person with whom Jamie would have chosen to spend Smith’s outcome. “Will you be okay going back to Berkeley?” Jamie asks over a new mug of tea, watching me gaze into the fire. “Do you want me to come with you?” I shake my head. It’s bad enough that he and Nick have seen me come apart, after I explained to Nick last night how infallible everything seemed. I pull my arms tight across my chest and curl my hands into tight fists. I don’t want to stay here, with Nick hovering in my periphery, not when I know that I’m facing a lot more than two years of their future now. I don’t want to leave Jamie. I need someone to believe in me while I get back on my feet, and Petra isn’t going to do that for me. But if Jamie comes, he’ll have to leave eventually. He has something tethering him here now; he isn’t at my beck and call anymore. I don’t know if I can stand to watch Jamie leave me behind for Nick. “Are you sure?” says Jamie. I nod. “I should go soon,” I say. “It’s a long drive.” “It’s not a problem to come with you,” he pushes. I stretch one hand and squeeze it closed. If he comes, he will leave, and I don’t know how I can deal with that. “I’ll be okay.” “Okay,” he says, and he lets me finish my tea in silence. He hugs me hard before I leave, harder than I’m comfortable with. I squeeze him tight too, and I try 43
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