Recovery Illustrated October Digital 2017

Digital Edition - October 2017

Masks and Disguises Getting the Message Sideways

by Mark Masserant

Meth Masks the Truth

by Angela Goldberg

One Last Blowout

by Sheryle Cruse

Worst Rehab Ever

by Jim Anders

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 3

Inside This Issue Contributions Masks and Disguises

6 Masks and Disguises by Kristin Wilhite-Smith 9

Letter from the Publisher

9

Events in October

by Kristin Wilhite-Smith

Page 6

10 The Difference Between the Brain & the Mind by Dr Roger Watts 12 Getting the Message Sideways by Mark Masserant 16 Meth Masks the Truth by Angela Goldberg 20 Worst Rehab Ever by Jim Anders 22 Just Passing Through by Lyn P. 28 One Last Blowout by Sheryle Cruse 32 Narcissists are Codependent, too by Darlene Lancer 38 Rehab Is Not The Long-Term Solution To The Opioid Problem by Stuart Birnbaum

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32

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If you really look, you may find there are whole new worlds to uncover.

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JUST PASSING THROUGH But wait...

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“Keep it simple, one day at a time.”

“Live and let live,” enduring, sublime.

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Drunken or sober legacies to leave,

Recovery Illustrated: What Recovery From Addiction Looks Like DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 5

Masks and Disguises Kristin Wilhite-Smith

M

y feet were getting heavy. I glanced down to discover thick mud caking to my boots, increasing with each step. My explorations were becoming INTENSE! I was in Teman Negara— claimed to be the oldest jungle in the world (according to the Malaysian handbook.) I got to swing on a vine like Tarzan and burn leaches off my ankles.

It was an adventure I will never forget. If we didn’t make it to the tree-top campsite, we could be eaten by tigers. Yes, TIGERS! I was so thankful the final stream (little river) we had to cross didn’t pull on me like the preceding current. I could barely maintain my footing in the chest-deep water as I held my backpack above my head. I was exhausted, but adrenaline kept me going. Fear can be a healthy thing when it gives you the ‘oomph’ to get to safety!

My gratitude ran deep for my tracker. My sense of direction has become more confident since then.

Nonetheless, WOW, had he not been there … I don’t

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know that I could have made it through the night.

As dusk grew dark, we nested in our bunks, and the jungle songs progressed into a wild, chaotic, scary sounding orchestra.

Have you ever been out in the country where you could hear the coyotes yipping over the frogs and crickets? Well, this was at least ten times louder! It was so lively, it kept me awake most of the night.

That was 1999, and my trip to Indonesia and Malaysia taught me much about myself. That I could feel safe in a foreign land, I could learn a new language, to have a lot of faith, and most importantly, that I really like myself. Spending time traveling alone gives you a deeper sense of knowing thyself.

Just before I went to Malaysia, I wandered over to the Gili Islands, off the coast of Lombok, which is off the coast of Bali. I quickly made friends, ‘cause that’s what you do when you are on an eight-mile radius island for a

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week. I remember sitting with a few of my new friends having lunch. One of them said in their broken English, “You are not like the other tourists.” I said, “Really, in what way?” He replied, “You have no mask.” He went on to explain, “Everyone else is wearing a mask.” I received this as a ‘breath of fresh air.’

When I moved to California in 1994, I felt relieved to finally feel like I could be ONE person, my true authentic self. Being in Holistic Healing Arts school, it was strongly encouraged, taught and supported to learn how to be your true authentic self.

As a teenager, I wore three masks. One at school: showing proper behavior, academic excellence and avoiding trouble, even when it hurt my self-esteem.

I had to resist standing up for myself in certain situations because my mother was a teacher in the school system. I was taught to not make waves or cause my parents to be “embarrassed.” So, I became “the robot.” (In hindsight, I think had I known better HOW to stand up for myself with positive results, I would have. Then maybe my parents would have been impressed. That was not my reality, and I know it does me no good to live in the “what if.”)

The second mask was for my parents, where I had to follow certain rules of conduct (some were healthy and important to become a good person) and shut

down emotionally because their “plates were full” so to speak. They didn’t seem to have time for my emotions or the wherewithal to help me navigate them. Therefore, I learned the only way to survive was to not talk about anything in my family or outside my family, otherwise I again risk my parents’ “embarrassment.” My father cultivated the idea that being emotional was weak, and he didn’t want people to perceive me that way …. So, of course, I shut down emotionally, feeling like I could do no right; damned if I do and damned if I don’t. At one point, I remember saying to them, “Maybe it would be best to get a statue of me to put in the corner, so it will always be here when you want it, and you can gripe at it all you want.” Seemed logical to me as they rarely appeared happy with me. They didn’t get the message that I was hurting and needing love. (If you can relate to this, I highly recommend reading Facing Codependence.)

The third mask was closest to my true self. This was when I got to spend time with my friends. In high school, I found great refuge when I hung out with my boyfriend (these were short spurts of time as part of the rules at home) and his friends and family. They accepted me as me. I thrived in that environment and craved time away from my family. continued on page 28

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So, who am I without my “disguises?” I’m vulnerable.

Sometimes I’m depressed and sometimes I’m excited to be alive. Sometimes I’m disgusted and sometimes I’m amazed. Sometimes I’m confused and sometimes I’m spot-on!

Have compassion for yourself, and also for all of your disguises. It’s all good.

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So, wear your happy shoes, your favorite clothes, brush your hair, and be pleasant. Use your strengths, acknowledge your weaknesses, and move forward.

Stay in bed until noon if you need to, but not every day, and reach out for help when you need it. Help is a fourletter word, but not a curse.

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orld Anim -W a lD

However, I also think it’s important to talk about the despair. Everyone has a chance to make life work for them, but sometimes it seems like it’s working better for everyone else and trying to keep up feels overwhelming. It’s NOT! There’s no need to try to “keep up” and everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

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I have a hard time disclosing some of my dark moments. Depression has been a huge issue for me lately, but I still wear bright colored clothing and brush my hair every day.

These last couple months with the magazine have been a financial struggle! But I do my very best to put on a happy face and speak in a happy tone and “disguise” what’s really going on. I do this because I am passionate about bringing a message of HOPE, not despair, to people who struggle with addiction (of any kind).

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Here’s what’s happening in OCTOBBER!

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I believe everyone wears disguises. I don’t think it’s intentional, but we all have personas that we want to portray in and out of the general public’s eye.

Having a certain style of clothing, a certain hair-color, or a fascination with shoes are all reflections of our personalities, but they aren’t really who we ARE.

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Letter from the Publisher

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 9

The Difference Between the Brain & The Mind

Dr. Roger P. Watts

I

like to think of the brain and the mind as being two separate entities with distinctly human qualities that are very relevant for anyone who is dealing with recovery from alcohol and other drugs. At the risk of being criticized by some as dividing the brain from the mind, it is important to point out that the brain is the physical organ of the body responsible for a host of human functions, and the mind is one of those functions. In other words, the mind is the output of the brain’s functioning. This separation is important in order to understand the nature of the disease of addiction.

Addiction is a brain disease, not a mind disease.

Addiction effects the physical organ we call the brain, and it is the broken brain that has difficulty coping with the lack of alcohol or other drugs when a person

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stops using them. We call this difficulty the hallmark of chemical dependency or addiction. It is important to know that this addiction in the physical brain has certain side effects that affect the mind. The mind is the repository of our hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, morals, ethics, principles, reason for living, and willpower. Using drugs and alcohol causes these qualities of life to be suspended as the physical needs of the brain override the needs of the mind … the brain gets hijacked by the alcohol or other drugs.

These facts are not so interesting, except when it comes to an understanding of exactly what it means to have the disease of addiction. Addiction is a disease of the brain, not of the mind. Problems within the mind—mental illness—may be caused by this physical dependence on alcohol or other drugs, but

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“Why do you drink even when there are consequences of that drinking?” the disease of addiction is primarily a disease of the brain. We know this because an organ of the body (the brain) is changed (brain cells are altered by the drugs) and there are symptoms (intoxication, withdrawal, tolerance). This is the classic medical description of a disease and the disease of addiction certainly fits it.

The illness within the mind that comes from addiction (loss of willpower, inability to make good choices, defensiveness, denial, etc.) is not the primary disease, but an after effect of the brain disease.

Mankind has been confusing this for centuries. There are even those today who do not agree with this analysis because they still feel that addiction is a disease of the mind … they are convinced that it is a lack of willpower or some moral failing that causes a person to drink uncontrollably. Why else would we hear too often, “Why don’t you just say ‘No’?” or “Why do you drink even when there are consequences of that drinking?” There are others who feel that the

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“cure” for addiction lies exclusively in correcting the rational, thinking part of the mind’s functioning, i.e., that some people can drink or use other drugs in moderation and not suffer the mental or emotional consequences of that use, or others may stop entirely because the make up their minds that they will.

Modern science knows that there is no known cure for addiction at this time. It remains largely a mysterious physical disease coupled with a psychological illness. We know the effects that these chemical poisons have on the nerve cells within the brain, but we do not know why some people are able to stop relatively easily and others continue to drink or take drugs despite known consequences.

But, we are close to finding answers to some of these difficulties as science maps the genetic part of the brain disease through the human genome project and uncovers the deeply seated parts of the mind that contain clues to abstinence and long-term recovery.

Roger P. Watts, Ph.D., is a non-clinically licensed academic and research psychologist, a Licensed Social Worker, a Master of Addictions Counselor, a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor, and a Certified Criminal Justice Specialist. He is currently an Adjunct Assistant Professor of Psychology at Augsburg College.

DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 11

mark masserant

SIDEWAYS

Getting the Message

PAGE 12 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

T

imed perfectly, a few days after my last drunk, I fell prey to my very own, complimentary twelfth step call. It was unforeseen—I didn’t even know they existed. My wife arranged it, and I reluctantly agreed to give it a listen. In the aftermath, I was saying ‘yes’ to everything up to that point, which was totally out of character for me. But even after the thousand “I’m sorrys”, I thought this one was a megabiggie as far as I was concerned. This time I was going to any length.

Yeah, I guess I was kind of a dick.

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A distant relative carried the message. He had made his way in and out of trouble and the program several times, but now was dry. He finally got it that alcohol was his main problem. Not John Law, his wife, his boss, or his finances. It had taken a lot to penetrate that thick head, which I later found out wasn’t uncommon.

We engaged in some small talk around the kitchen table that ended abruptly when he scrapped the topic and began his pitch, telling me what he knew about recovery. My wife finally exhaled. I thought I’d better brace myself; this might last awhile. Over thirty years ago, my twelfth step call went kind of like this: “You know,” he began. “You’re really lookin’ like crap. If you’re offended, I’ll get you a card. But if you think you’ve had enough, that you’re done, there’s something that can really help you with your drinking, man.”

“If you think you’re done, there’s something that can help with your drinking, man.”

Even though it was anonymous, I already knew what he was getting at. He was concerned, and truly trying to help me. He knew the kind of fear I was experiencing and that I needed some hope.

“You heard about my last drunk, when I crashed through that fence and got arrested again? I knew I had to do something, man. There was gonna be more trouble if I kept up with the drinking—it was just a matter of time. It really was getting worse, just like they said it would at those classes. I mean, I really didn’t think I was that bad, but I was on my way. I just couldn’t see it.”

“I’ve only been in jail a few times, and prison only once, but that was enough for me, man. No more foolin’ around. All those days in the bars and behind bars are over.” “… Now, they’re gonna want you to hit a bunch of meetings, but they’re not too bad. They’re way better than jail. They have real coffee, and some even have donuts. Some of them people are pretty funny, too— there’s some real nut cases that go there, especially the old-timers. You can tell nobody got to them in time. Them stewed noodle-brains are dead serious about all that recovery stuff.”

“But a lot of people like us go to them meetings, too.

You’ll fit right in, man. They said their drinking went from bad to worse until they surrendered and got with the program. They talk about their problems, and their drinking, and how their lives are better now that they’re sober …. Some, a whole lot better.”

“I saw some guys I thought were dead or in prison; I hadn’t seen ‘em in years. I thought they vanished off the face of the earth. Then, I start going to those meetings and one of them’s shaking hands at the door, dressed in clothes that didn’t have any holes in ‘em, and his eyes were so white they creeped me out.

“He says, ‘Hey, it’s about time you got your damn self in here’. He hugged my neck, and then said, ‘Keep coming back, man, if you want another chance at life.

Looks like the one you’re livin’ is a freakin’ mess’.”

“I noticed his beer belly was gone, his front tooth and its lower companions weren’t missing anymore, and I heard he had a nice ride, bought and paid for.

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought …. When he threw a buck in the basket, he had to look for one, with tens and twenties in the way. All’s I had was a couple quarters …. Damn high cost of low living.”

I drew myself back and took a long breath. This was as long as I ever heard him talk, and longer than I’d listened to anybody in ages. And he was speaking in nearly complete sentences. I thought, ‘They must talk a lot there at those classes’. I was right—he wasn’t finished.

“This other guy I used to get arrested with owns a business now, and you oughtta see his old lady, I mean, wife, man. Blonde, blue eyes, with all the extras. I didn’t think he’d ever stop drinking, much less have it made like that. I thought he’d be takin’ the Last Train to Croaksville first.”

“Right then and there, I thought, this stuff’s for real—a dude like that going from goat-head to loverboy, with a pocketful of dough …. A guy can get up off the bathroom floor and straighten up and fly right. I’m tellin’ ya, I ain’t puked once since I got sober, and no black eyes either ....”

I remembered the holiday black eyes he wore on Christmases, and others with no holiday attached. He probably didn’t feel a thing, unlike sober people when they get a shiner. I wondered, ‘What the hell’s wrong with him. Is he ever gonna wise up?’ Near the end of my drinking, I began to understand and wondered if I’d ever get it together, too. He kept talking; he was on a roll. continued on page 24

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 13

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 15

Meth Masks the Truth Angela Goldberg

P

eople struggling with addiction come from all walks of life and can wear many disguises to conceal their condition. That’s why appearances related to meth use can be so deceiving. The stereotype, while true in some cases, can be highly distorted and not applicable to so many other meth users. The reality is that not all people who use meth look like the characters in the television drama “Breaking Bad,” a show about an Albuquerque high school chemistry teacher-turned-master-meth manufacturer. Those dramatizations suggest that all people using meth are white, unemployed, have missing teeth, visible scabs on their skin and jitter endlessly.

While it is true, today’s meth is powerfully potent, readily available and highly addictive, the stereotypes regarding users don’t always apply. In the early days of use most people can keep up appearances and

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may even function well at their jobs for a time, but with continued use, a drastic change will happen as meth becomes the master.

The San Diego County Meth Strike Force has been collecting data on the impacts of meth to our region for more than a decade. One of the key data points tracked is meth-related deaths. The latest numbers show a disturbing trend, the increasing number of San Diegan’s who die with meth in their system. In 2016, that number increased to 377 people, according to the County Medical Examiner. That’s a methrelated death every 23 hours. Deaths involving meth are now at an all-time high and projected to rise even higher in 2017.

The majority of those people who died did not fit the stereotype—that meth users are all homeless and continued on page 20

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 17

Meth Masks the Truth continued from page 18

unemployed. For several years, the County Medical Examiner has tracked the occupational status of those who died with meth in their systems, and it turns out they come from varied careers. Their jobs included construction workers, restaurant staff, clerks, a dentist, nurses, home health caregivers, students, gardeners, musicians, mechanics, carpet layers, and artists, just to name a few.

The latest figures from 2016 showed that of the 377 meth-related deaths almost 60 percent were white, but ultimately several ethnic groups were represented. Meth-related deaths also spanned a broad age spectrum, from a three-month-old baby to a 77-year-old man. As well, meth-death is not gender or sex-specific, cutting across the heterosexual, LGBTQ and asexual communities. Forty percent of meth-related deaths were women.

Meth itself wears the ultimate mask. Users say at first it can be seductive, giving them more energy, sharper focus, and perceived sex appeal and prowess. But those same users, also report that dependence on the drug soon reveals an ugly side by way of addiction and all of the misery and even death that comes along with it.

If you, or someone you know, is using methamphetamine, please refer them to www. no2meth.org for more information regarding the impacts of meth in our community and resources for recovery.

Meth-related deaths are on the rise as meth becomes more potent, and more available.

If you want to report a meth-related crime, you can do so anonymously by calling 1-877-No-2-Meth.

MEDIA STRATEGIES:

THEMES: Meth is an addictive and dangerous drug.

Meth use creates risks for users including: addiction, physical health issues, mental health issues, and negative, lasting impacts on society, family and careers.

KEY MESSAGES: Meth use is proven to be addictive, can lead to cardiovascular damage, mental illness, impaired social, family and career outcomes.

Continued use can cause dependence, use of other chemical substances, mental changes including distorted perception reality, paranoia, difficulty in thinking and problem solving.

PAGE 18 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

Recovery is possible.

Increase public awareness of the health and public safety impacts posed from meth.

Support continued research allowing better understanding of the negative impacts of meth on users, their families and on society.

CALL TO ACTION: Disrupt the meth market at all levels. Increase health screening for users. Get more meth users and their family members, into treatment services. Expand Crime-Free Multi-housing partnerships to promote sustainable crime-free neighborhoods. Maintain high quality prevention work on alcohol and marijuana as the first line of defense.

Angela Goldberg is the Facilitator of the San Diego County Methamphetamine Strike Force (MSF) and also the Prescription Drug Abuse Task Force (PDTF). See more information at: https://www.no2meth.org/ and https://www.sandiegorxabusetaskforce.org/ WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 19

Worst Rehab Ever Jim Anders

I

magine, if you will, a fictional rehab program that we shall simply call “M&D Rehab.”

Imagine further that this rehab is woefully inexperienced. The staff at M&D are well-meaning but almost completely untrained, uneducated in addiction recovery and are without a treatment philosophy or any kind of credentials. They do not understand the disease concept, the importance of trigger recognition, anger management, relapse prevention, communication skills or TwelveStep integration. Their counseling sessions, if they exist at all, are mere lectures demanding in loud and aggressive voices that the addict “just quit” and stop being so “stupid.” Nevertheless, true consequences for adverse behaviors up to and including relapse are nonexistent at some times and ludicrously harsh at others. Envision these hapless staff members as alternately bewildered, anxious, furious, terrified, insecure and emotionally numb. Finally, suppose that this rehab only has one client and that its staff are deeply in love with and emotionally invested in this sole client who happens to be an expert at manipulating those emotions.

Regrettably, this sorry situation is not entirely fictional. Replace “M&D Rehab” with Mom and Dad’s PAGE 20 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

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house and the above problems crystalize into hard reality. If not Mom and Dad’s house, then a lover’s or sibling’s or best friend’s home that becomes a de-facto rehab. The point being that those who are overly invested in addicted loved ones, who have genuine strong familial love for them may, with the best of intentions, create situations that lead invariably to continued active addiction. Negotiating various agreements with loved ones, wherein the family agrees to take care of their addicts on the condition that they behave in certain healthy ways is almost certain to fail. In fact, in my years of experience I have never seen such an agreement made with loved ones that was effective. Moreover, I have never even heard of a family agreement succeed at helping a loved one get and stay clean. Even in cases where family members have their own sobriety experiences, the love felt for a loved one trapped in addiction can a have a detrimental effect on the family’s attempt at helping.

It is a commonly known truism that surgeons should not operate on their own family members, no matter how great their skill or intelligence. That is so because emotions are in a sense more primal than intellect and, therefore, strong emotion can obscure sound judgement. In the same way these powerful emotions confuse rehabilitation strategies if those strategies even exist in a family’s attempt to help a struggling member recover. More often besieged families simply make up plans as they go along, set and ignore consequences or attempt other interventions in the context of the painful dramas that addictive behaviors inflict. It is no wonder addiction is so often called “a family disease.”

So what are concerned parents, spouses, children and other relatives or friends to do about their beloved addicts? Well, if you have a loved one suffering with active addition, may I suggest that you first give yourself permission to not know what to do. After all, contingency plans regarding addiction in families that have not experienced it are essentially nonexistent.

On the other hand, do not treat active addiction as an ordinary behavioral problem. There is a great difference between a young child breaking a dish and hiding it on the one hand, and a grown child stealing your jewelry to sell for heroin on the other. Treat it with appropriate seriousness because addiction is a medical crisis that can all too easily end in brain damage, social isolation, ruined health, prison and even the grave. In its own way, addiction is a threat to one’s well-being as serious as cancer or other life threatening diseases.

Fortunately there is abundant help available for both suffering addicts and their suffering families.

continued on page 31

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JUST PASSING THROUGH Buck, Warren and Prickly Pete, Poured some coffee and took their seats, In many meetings, here and there.

Sobriety found on a wing and a prayer.

Octo-nano-generian gents, Sharing of their youth, misspent.

“I need you, you don’t need me.”

“Newcomers, shush! Listen and see!”

“Keep it simple, one day at a time.”

“Live and let live,” enduring, sublime.

Drunken or sober legacies to leave, We’re just passing through, Either achieved.

by Lyn. P

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083017

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 23

Getting The Message Sideways continued from page 13

“Some of them guys talk a lot about God, but don’t worry about that, man. It ain’t a religion or nothing. I even met a priest there who said he was a drunk, and he said the same thing. A sky pilot in recovery, and he even cussed a little, which let me know he wasn’t all holy and stuff.”

“They say it’s spiritual, and they call their God the Higher Power. If you ask for help in the morning and say thanks at night, many people don’t drink if they really wanna stay sober. Man, I tried it and I ain’t been drinking for over two years.”

“If you ask for help in the morning, and say thanks at night, many people don’t drink if they really wanna stay sober.”

“There’s lots of literature, and it’s important too.

They’ll want you to read it, but you don’t need no PhD in it to stay sober. But it really works when you run out of good ideas. The directions are pretty simple. Just do it. Whaddya got to lose?”

Then he braced himself for the grand finale. I had a feeling this was gonna be good ….

“You know, man, they talk about drugs too, and say we shouldn’t use them. They’re gonna tell you that you shouldn’t even smoke weed, but don’t worry about that yet, either. It’s just a suggestion ….”

“Maybe you’ll wanna try quitting; most of ‘em do, if they’re serious about it,” he said, suddenly taking a king-size bogart hit off a joint that was passed to him, doing the tssssst, tssst, tssst, tssssssst—

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ssshhffwooooohhh as he overloaded his toke and his burly chest swelled out. His eyes bugged out of their sockets like they were going to pop, and smoke almost flooded out of his ears. But so far, so good.

Then, keeping his lungs full while trying to talk and stifle a cough, he whispered and grunted in pot-head jargon, “But I’m … not ready … to … do that … yet.”

He eased into his stoner-goofy grin, and then nervously coughed when he maxed out. Smoke burst out beneath both cheeks at the corners of his mouth when he couldn’t reverse it. He stopped, contained himself and his mouth made a little ‘o’ and the smoke jet-streamed out. His eyes teared up, but it was only cheap joy. He, of the bloodshot eyes, managed to look alternately serene and mischievous, and then regressed to pleasantly burnt-out.

I thought ‘Wow’, but I didn’t say wow. It was important that he stay humble.

I didn’t know I was getting the message sideways; it was a very effective presentation and I bought the program. I don’t think Billy Mays could have topped that pitch on his greatest day. It sounded like it could work for me. I know it wasn’t your classic twelfth step call, but I never did drink again. I gave him an A+ for effort, thanked him all the way out the door, and then waited for the phone call from the detox unit to admit me with some apprehension. It sounded good, but I still wasn’t sure if I was ready for this big of a breakthrough in my life ….

When I was speaking at a local treatment center a few years later I spotted him, looking much worse than ever before. He was just coming back again. Lucky for him. I guess he was missing something—it works if you work it, but it won’t if you don’t.

Mark Masserant has an Associate’s Degree, and is employed at a hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan. In 2014, Mark was inspired to begin writing again and has written articles for recovery magazines and poems for several periodicals. He’s also one of the architects of and event called OctSoberFest.

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Masks and Disguises continued from page 7

During my senior year of high school, I remember a dear friend saying, “How come you smile at everyone else at school, yet, when we are alone, you always tell me how bad you feel, and you seem miserable?”

I responded, “Because you are the only one I trust.

I can take the ‘presentation that every thing is fine’ mask off.” He didn’t like it, even though it was the truth. It was stressful for him to see me that way, but I was sick and tired of hiding.

It wasn’t until college I realized that I had an eating disorder. I put on twenty pounds in four months. I am sure some of it arose due to no longer playing sports for two hours per day. In addition, I was eating large portions and they kept getting larger. Then one day, I was back at my parents home visiting. The TV was on, as usual, and a commercial came on. The next thing I knew, I was standing with the refrigerator door open.

I didn’t even remember walking there. I asked myself, “Why am I here? I’m not hungry.” It dawned on me that I was avoiding conversation with my parents because, during commercials, I would receive either interrogation or the wrath. I was stuffing my emotions

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“I was stuffing my emotions with food and avoiding the inevitable discomfort.” with food and avoiding the inevitable discomfort. I had become terribly ill and, in my twenties, I finally had to address my overeating disorder. I realized I had a long term habit of gorging myself until I was in physical pain. Now, I know the terminology would be “self harm.” In order to get well, I had to change.

Since then, I have done a tremendous amount of healing. Fortunately, now my parents and I have a healthy relationship. I am truly grateful and it wasn’t without work. I had to heal myself, forgive them, learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way and learn I am worth it. I am continually learning more ways I can love and be my true authentic self.

Now, my favorite mask to wear is the “super hero cape.” I don’t use it every day, although it’s pretty fun to try on. If you are ever feeling down, unproductive, need some gusto, or just want to have some healthy, creative fun, cut an old sheet (or pillow case) into the shape of a super hero cape. Choose any color or power of your choice, and enjoy! If you don’t want to wear it physically, you are always welcome to just imagine you have one on … see what positive things you are capable of … feel empowered as if YOU are a SUPER HERO, at least for ten minutes, an hour, a day or for ever how long it feels good! (Disclaimer: Don’t be a Deadpool; be careful to not hurt yourself or anyone else.) If the cape is not enough, contact me to learn techniques of Neuro Linguistic Programming (language of the brain) to bring about more confidence and empowerment for those ready for more!

Kristin Wilhite-Smith, HHP has professionally served San Diego, CA with healing arts and holistic health care modalities since 1995. She is an expert in Holistic Integration teaching group classes, individual coaching session online and in-person. Connect with Kristin via www.SustainableHolistic.com

A Flower Doesn’t Stop Being Beautiful Just Because Someone Walks

By Without Noticing

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One Last Blowout Sheryle Cruse

“Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. Do not crave his delicacies, for that food is deceptive.” ~ Proverbs 23:1-3 Deceptive food. These are two words which have resonated with me. As I’ve been in recovery from my disordered eating and image issues, one of the things I’ve had to face has been my insatiable obsession with the binge.

From childhood on, food has been my drug of choice. Turning to it for comfort in an abusive and disruptive family experience, I eventually became the ostracized, overweight child.

Cliché bullying and rejection, of course, followed. And that reality flicked the switch when it came to my development of anorexia. Transitioning from a small high school, where I was only seen as “the fat girl,” to the wide open opportunity of college’s reinvention, I “successfully” lost weight by the start of my freshman year. And I kept losing until I was a two-digit weight reading at the college year’s end.

But, the binge temptation PAGE 28 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

was never far away from my mind. And, little did I know then, I was far from finished with my eating disorder journey.

For with restrictive anorexia consuming my new way of college life, any forbidden fruit, which was any food whatsoever, was too demanding to ignore. Despite my strong will, my physical and emotional hunger went into overdrive by the beginning of my sophomore year of college. And I binged with more frequency, all under the delusion each feast was simply “one last blowout.”

“I couldn’t stop eating.

Every time, I repeated my new vow, ‘I’ll do this just one time.’ One time became always.

After each feast, I felt exhaustion, guilt, shame, and pain. My body wasn’t able to deal with this violent attack of food. I was literally stuffed WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

with food. My stomach was extremely distended.

I looked like a pregnant, malnourished refugee.

My stomach was rock-hard and stretched beyond its limits. I was uncomfortable standing, sitting, walking, and breathing. I paced back and forth in my apartment, trying to get comfortable. I hated myself, and felt like the most horrible, disgusting person in the world. Who would want and love me now? What boy? What man? I even started to question—What God? I moved into a new eating disorder.

“Embracing the real deal, not a harmful counterfeit, brings a deeper and healthier sense of self and wellbeing in this world.”

It’s amazing how things sneak up on you. For years now I’d been in denial about my issues with food and weight. First, I convinced myself that I could hide my weight with clothing and sheer will. Then, I was in denial about being too thin, convincing myself that I could cover it too. And now, here I was, trying to convince myself that this third eating disorder, bulimia, wasn’t a reality. It was a ‘just this one time’ thing.

I started each day with good intentions, but my cravings and my body were turning on me.

Temptation was too strong now. I was re-hooked on the high food brought. I’d been so long without it, and it brought me such comfort. Food became my answer again. Bulimia was making all the decisions now; it was deciding me.

I could never eat enough food, but it was always way too much for me to handle. I’d gorge, binge, pig out— whatever you want to call it. The results were still the same: overextended, rock-hard stomach, severe pain and discomfort, and always the sense of failure, shame, and disgust. My heart pounded with panic as I gulped. My hands shook as I stuffed my mouth with enormous quantities of food…”

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when the “more is more” principle promises comfort, lasting happiness and met needs. Gluttony is not merely about food; that’s its most frequent association. Rather, it’s about that driving need to binge—on anything: food, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, et cetera. It can involve anything and anyone. It’s about excessive need attached to the object of one’s affection.

As cliché and trite as it sounds, life has more to do with balance and health.

If anything has occupied a constantly obsessive place in our hearts and minds, to the disruption of anything and anyone else, spiritually, emotionally and physically, the result is damaging. It’s not about shame. It’s about representing ourselves as the incredible vessels we are; our value is incomparable.

And, while we live and, yes, struggle, there is always grace. It is not about leading a perfect life. It is about recognizing ourselves as valuable human beings connected to a Creator Who will love and help us.

Embracing the real deal, not a harmful counterfeit, brings a deeper and healthier sense of self and wellbeing in this world. We’re all on that continuum.

Wherever we are, we can choose to embrace health and The Most High in our process, complete with its struggles and issues. Doing so delivers a result which lasts and fulfills more than the instant gratification lie which harms, fails and fades.

It’s not about accepting some simplistic Pollyanna approach; our addictions and disorders are far more complex than it. But it is about challenging the binge’s call—to anything or anyone. Why is it calling?

What does the binge represent and promise? Why would we entertain sabotaging everything for it?

It’s not called “taking a personal inventory” for nothing.

What is your “one last blowout?” What are the real results if you chase it?

Our heart issues are as unique as our fingerprints.

Isn’t time we turned to those core issues instead of to our binges? One last blowout or one lasting life, health and recovery process?

It’s up to us.

“Author/speaker Sheryle Cruse tackles food, weight, value and image issues which are often found within disordered eating. She explores these topics, writing for both faith and recovery-focused publications, and in her book, Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.

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Sometimes... losing something leads us to something better PAGE 30 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

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Worst Rehab Ever continued from page 21

Physicians, clergy and therapists are good places to start and they can often guide you to other options.

There are many fine rehabs, but some research may be required to find the best for a particular situation. Cost is rarely an issue with modern insurance availability and governmental programs.

It is important for addicts to accept that they cannot control the substances they are addicted to, but is equally important for families to accept that they cannot control addicts. Attempting to force addicts to seek help is another disease called codependency and it is exhausting to the codependent and unhelpful to the addict.

Although hard advice and not easy to accept or put into practice, the single best thing a codependent can do for an addicted loved one is precisely … nothing!

Do not stand in the way of consequences. Do nothing to help the disease continue, such as giving money or offering rides. In fact it may become necessary to cut off all communication with your beloved addict until he or she agrees to accept help.

It is advantageous to remember that others have gone

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down these dark paths before you. And, thankfully, these people are prepared to help you and are easy to find. There are several types of Twelve-Step meetings designed for the mutual aid and comfort of fellow codependents. They also have excellent literature, and much of it is free. They also have ubiquitous meetings where you can meet, learn about and draw strength from others who have had similar experiences. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel and go through this alone. The three best of these organizations are listed below. Contact them and keep hoping for your loved one’s well-being as well as your own.

Al-Anon is the oldest codependent group directed primarily toward the codependents of alcoholics.

Reach them at: al-anon.org Nar-Anon is tailored primarily to the family members of those addicted to drugs other than alcohol.

Find them at: nar-anon.org Co-Dependents Anonymous is another fine option.

Learn about them at: coda.org Jim Anders is the Program Manager at Salvation Army Riverside County Adult Rehabilitation Center. He is an Addiction and Codependency Specialist and offers individual, group marriage and family counseling. Jim has been writing articles for Step 12 Magazine and Recovery Illustrated since July 2016. He lives in Riverside County.

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Narcissists are Codependent, too

.

Darlene Lancer

W

riters often distinguish narcissists and codependents as opposites, but surprisingly, though their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core codependent symptoms of shame, denial, control, dependency (unconscious), dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems. One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency.

Dependency Codependency is a disorder of a “lost self.”

Codependents have lost their connection to their innate self. Instead, their thinking and behavior revolve around a person, substance, or process.

Narcissists also suffer from a lack of connection to their true self. In its place, they’re identified with their ideal self. This makes them dependent on others for validation. Ironically, despite declared high selfregard, narcissists crave recognition from others and have an insatiable need to be admired—to get their “narcissistic supply.” continued on page 35

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Narcissists are Codependent too continued from page 32

Shame

“Narcissists seek recognition, mastery, and domination over others.”

Shame is at the core of codependency and addiction, stemming from growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Narcissists’ exaggerated self-flattery is usually mistaken for self-love, but it’s merely to assuage unconscious and internalized shame, which is common among codependents.

those that express vulnerability. They disown and often project onto others feelings that they consider “weak,” such as longing, sadness, loneliness, powerlessness, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. Anger makes them feel powerful. Rage, arrogance, envy, and contempt are defenses to underlying shame.

Children develop different ways of coping with the anxiety, insecurity, shame, and hostility that they experience growing up in dysfunctional families.

Stereotypical codependents seek others’ love, affection, and approval, while narcissists seek recognition, mastery, and domination over others.

(For more about these patterns and how shame and codependency co-emerge in childhood, see Conquering Shame and Codependency.)

Codependents especially deny emotional needs.

They may act self-sufficient and readily put others needs first. Narcissists also deny emotional needs.

They won’t admit that they’re being demanding and needy, because having needs makes them feel dependent and weak.

Denial Denial is a core symptom of codependency.

Codependents are generally in denial of their codependency and often their feelings and many needs. Similarly, narcissists deny feelings, particularly

Many narcissists hide behind a facade of selfsufficiency and aloofness when it comes to needs for emotional closeness, support, grieving, nurturing, and intimacy. Their quest of power protects them from experiencing the humiliation of feeling weak or needing anyone—ultimately, to avoid rejection and feeling shame. Only the threat of abandonment reveals how dependent they truly are. continued on page 36

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 35

Narcissists are Codependent too continued from page 35

Dysfunctional Boundaries Like other codependents, narcissists have unhealthy boundaries. They don’t experience other people as separate, but as extensions of themselves. As a result, they project thoughts and feelings onto others and blame them for their shortcomings and mistakes, all of which they cannot tolerate in themselves. Lack of boundaries makes them thin-skinned, highly reactive, and defensive.

to our sense of well-being. We’ll try to control them directly or indirectly with people-pleasing, lies, or manipulation. If we’re frightened or ashamed of our feelings, such as anger or grief, then we attempt to control them.

“What people think, say, and do become paramount to our sense of well-being.”

Most codependents share these patterns of blame, reactivity, defensiveness, and taking things personally. The behavior might vary, but the underlying process is similar. For example, many codependents habitually react with self-criticism, self-blame, or withdrawal, while others react with aggression and criticism or blame of someone else.

Yet, both behaviors are reactions to shame and demonstrate dysfunctional boundaries.

Intimacy

Dysfunctional Communication

If you have a relationship with a narcissist, check out my book, Dealing with a Narcissist: How to Raise SelfEsteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.

Like other codependents, narcissists’ communication is dysfunctional. They generally lack assertiveness skills. Their communication often consists of criticism, demands, labeling, and other forms of verbal abuse. On the other hand, some narcissists intellectualize, obfuscate, and are indirect. Like other codependents, they find it difficult to identify and clearly state their feelings. Although they may express opinions and take positions more easily than other codependents, they frequently have trouble listening and are dogmatic and inflexible. These are signs of dysfunctional communication that evidence insecurity and lack of respect for the other person.

Finally, the combination of all these patterns makes intimacy challenging for narcissists and codependents, alike. Relationships can’t thrive without clear boundaries that afford partners freedom and respect. They require that we’re autonomous, have assertive communication skills, and self-esteem.

Control Like other codependents, narcissists seek control to feel safe. The greater our anxiety and insecurity, the greater is our need for control. When we’re dependent on others for our security, happiness, and self-worth, what people think, say, and do become paramount

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Darlene Lancer is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and expert on relationships and codependency.

Contact Darlene at info@darlenelancer.com. Find her full blogs at www.whatiscodependency.com and get your free copy of 14 Tips for Letting Go. Follow her on Twitter @darlenelancer, Facebook, and listen at Soundcloud, Clyp, and Youtube.

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DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017 - PAGE 37

REHAB is NOT the Long-Term SOLUTION to the OPIOID PROBLEM Stuart Birnbaum

S

carcely has a day gone by where I have not been reminded of the unrelenting cataclysm that is the drug and alcohol epidemic. Originating from a multitude of sources, which include data referring to crime rates, suicides, rates of recidivism, overdoses, deaths, etc., our lives have been bombarded with these unsettling statistics.

my future children to see me nodding out on the couch because of the pain medication I’m hooked on.” But it is the reality that many people around our country wake up to every day.

My experience has shown over the last ten years that opiate and opioid addiction is at an all-time high.

Not only has this problem been trending upward, but the average age of addicts has expanded, indicating easier access and much greater supply and demand.

While there are many harm reduction measures taken both locally and nationally, I feel an obligation to share our experience serving this community.

Many cases we see are not the stereotypical “addict”, but professional men and women who have become addicted to medications their doctor prescribed after surgery, grief and loss, work troubles, family stresses, etc. The availability of these drugs has never been greater, nor has the need to help those who suffer from them.

There is, however, a bright side to this dreary and seemingly hopeless world. Though it is unlikely you will observe it on the local evening news. Around us, every day, men and women touched with this affliction are turning around and changing their lives, using their experiences to help other men and women who are still struggling.

This starts with personal accountability and ownership for their lives as they have been living them. No child says to his or herself, “One day when I grow up, I want to be a junkie living on the streets, begging for loose change in order to get my next fix,” or “I can’t wait for PAGE 38 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

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Chandler Lodge is a nonprofit foundation established in 1960 by sober men in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We are committed to providing services through the 12-Step program that has been successful for many years.

We function as a recovery program of attraction and thousands have benefited from our peer-based programs.

Sober Living for Men • 24 On-Site AA meetings weekly • 12-Step Program Guidance • Relapse Prevention with Support • Sobriety Monitoring & U.A. Testing • Close to Busses • Gym • Cable TV • Food • Internet • Laundry

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We know there is a solution. We have experienced it ourselves, and we witness it on a daily basis. To anyone who is struggling, or knows of anyone that is struggling, this information should be comforting.

Recovery is a personal journey that can start with tragedy, but leads to a life that is full of purpose, gratification, happiness, meaning, friendships, and a community of people that say “I know what it’s like, and here’s what I did to change, and this is what it is like now.”

Stuart Birnbaum is the CEO of the The Lakehouse Recovery Center in Westlake Village, California. More at: www.lakehouserecoverycenter.com

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For over 57 Years We Have Been Providing Safe 12-Step Based Sober Living For Men

“Only hard, personal, daily work can help an individual to get and stay off drugs.”

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Although such rehab facilities can sometimes be the initiating catalyst for such alterations in one’s life (as well as provide critical and essential medical supervision during the early stages of recovery, including detox and managing withdrawal

Our phones ring daily from people near and far seeking help for a problem that is beyond their control, and who cannot stop no matter how great the need or wish to do so. We have seen no decrease in the public pleading for help, and no decline in the amount of families ravaged by this deadly and serious disease.

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This is another item that belongs on the front page of the newspaper in Everywhere, USA: There is a solution to the drug problem. But contrary to a belief we find to be popular, there is no quick fix. It is not a problem at which you can just throw money, and it is not something that can be solved in 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days in a rehab—even ours! Many times a family or loved ones will drop someone off at our door with a request to “fix them”. Again, it takes hard, personal, individual work that must be done daily for the rest of one’s life. Work that no one can do for anyone else, and work that requires honesty, patience, open-mindedness, labor, and self-sacrifice. I am writing this due to the collective awareness of the fact that there exists an ethos which supports these aforementioned, misleading, and harmful notions.

symptoms), it is only through taking total personal ownership, accountability, and a willingness to change, that one approaches the precipice to true, long-term and meaningful recovery.

www.SavingG

The public has been seeking a solution to this health catastrophe ever since these highly addictive drugs came to prominence but, due to the explosion of rehabs and sober livings, many now hold an erroneous belief that confining and monitoring an addicted person is the solution. In and of itself, in our collective experience, this is not the solution.

Yes, we are saying that treatment centers are not the answer! For an addicted person, only hard, personal, daily work can help an individual to get and stay off drugs. This is the flip side to this ongoing plague: lives are being repaired and changed for the better and families are being healed and reassembled.

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Interested in helping others? Looking for a career as an addiction treatment professional?

The Distance Learning Center for Addiction Studies is a nationally approved training provider - we can help you earn the educational hours needed to obtain basic drug/alcohol credentialing. Many states allow distance learning to be used to gather the hours needed to meet basic standards. Let our experienced staff help guide you through the process.

Our curriculum will allow you to obtain the training you need. Start at any time; learn at your own pace; obtain help/guidance from our staff, including test preparation for your national credentialing exam; coursework authored by nationally recognized professionals; low cost with discount plans available.

Already hold a credential? With more than 90 courses available we can also help you gather the continuing education hours you will need to renew your current credential.

DLCAS.com is a service of the Distance Learning Center, LLC PAGE 40 - DIGITAL EDITION AUGUST 2017

For more information: • call us toll free at 866-431-4240; • email us at information@dlc.email; • visit our website at www.DLCAS.com/

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DON’T FIGHT YOUR ADDICTION. LEAVE IT BEHIND.

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Naltrexone Implant available which reduces or eliminates cravings for several months More private sessions than most treatment centers Insurance Accepted

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