Step 12 Magazine - A message of Hope by Step 12 Magazine

ISSUE NO. 20

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017

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Inside This Issue

Features

6 Cover Story: Accepting Help is an Action

34 The Addicted Brain and How To Change It

35 Happiness

by Karen VanDenBerg

Taking Action to Honor Intentions Dr. Judi Hollis - Food Obsessions

by Dr Keerthy Sunder and Jeffrey Bohnen by Roni Askey-Doran

10 Your Story Matters

36 The Sixth Reality: The Family Scrimmage

12 Sociopath or Narcissist?

40 Twelve-Step Yoga

14 Appropriate Action

41 Seven Dimensions, One Goal: Recovery

15 Walking the Walk

42 From Passive-Aggressive to Assertive

16 Actions Speak Louder Than Words

43 The Heart of Meth Use

20 Suicide: The Silent Killer

44 Succeeding with your New Year’s Resolutions

22 The Courage to be Uncomfortable

45 Taking Action: One Little Did

24 Move!

46 The Student and the Coffeepot

26 Dear Petra Questions and Answers

48 The Gathering of the Clan

28 What Advice Would I Have Given Myself?

50 Practice, Practice, All Is Coming

30 Forgiveness

54 Biting Off More Than I Could Chew

by Carol Teitelbaum - It Happens to Boys Darlene Lancer on Codependency by Jim Anders

by Tom Bliss and Alexandra Katehakis by Kristin Wilhite

by Roni Askey-Doran and Adele Ryan McDowell Dan Sanfellipo - Unlocked for Life by Lori Nelson

by Petra Hoffmann - Expert Answers about Hep-C and Addiction by Morgan Thorpe by Randy Boyd

Regular Stuff 5 7 7 9 11 18 21 27 29

Letter from the Editor Letter from the Publisher Random Thoughts Quotes Metaphorically Speaking Newcomer’s Page Self Assessment Questions Book Reviews Movie Reviews with Leonard Lee Buschel

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by Susan Jackson - The Seven Realities of the Addicted Family by Mauvis Miller

by Megan Crants and Andrea Barthwell by Kristen Fuller

by Angela Goldberg

by Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis by Nora Slattery

by Mark Masserant by Denise Krochta by Kyczy Hawk

by Suzanne Whang - It’s a WHANGderful Life

32 37 38 47 51 52 55 57 58

Puzzles Resources for Families Reader Contributions Recovery Online We Asked, You Answered Directory of Sponsors Laugh Lines Recovery Trivia Horoscopes

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Letter from the Editor respectfully at action stations,

Roni Askey-Doran

Recently, I became so sick, I could barely lift my head from the pillow, much less take any other action to get out of bed. For five days, I drifted in and out of consciousness, barely aware of the world around me. It was then I realized “sleep” is also an action. Grammatically, it is a verb. Verbs are “doing” words. “Doing” implies action. Resting, snoozing, and lying in bed all turned out to be vital actions that served to heal my feverish body, soothe my pounding head and restore my missing voice. Without them, I’d still be battling against an invisible enemy, exhausted and wondering why I can’t get well. Sometimes, the action we need to take to achieve a certain goal doesn’t resemble action at all. This issue is packed full of action; from donning yoga pants to writing down your deepest fears, from sticking to your New Year’s Resolutions to learning how to forgive, and from the simple act of making coffee to getting yourself to a meeting, we’ve got you covered. As always, at the New Year, we get a chance to start over and once again rewrite the script of our lives. In all the action of this year, and what it may bring, don’t forget to write in those important actions that help to take care of you: sleep, rest, breathe, meditate, forgive yourself, and smell the flowers. Happy New Year! May 2017 bring you all the health, happiness and prosperity you deserve.

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Action

Accepting Help is an

by Karen VanDenBerg

There’s nothing wrong with needing help. It’s not a sign of weakness or inadequacy to reach out to someone for help. Yet, so many of us really struggle with showing that vulnerable side of ourselves. We seem to prefer struggling through difficult situations with stubborn tenacity rather than accepting help even when it’s offered. “I can do this,” we say to ourselves.

In recovery, most of us have experienced that terrifying feeling of helplessness. We try “every imaginable remedy” to stop whatever dysfunctional behavior we are powerless over. Often, only in despair, are we willing to accept help. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally, we humbly take hold of the lifeline. Once we do, the helper and the helped become stronger. We accomplish more together than separately.

I have a dear friend who survived late stage cancer. A single mom with three teenagers, she was carrying the weight of her struggle “strong and brave.” Friends, family and neighbors offered to help but she declined. She was the person who always went to the bedside of sick friends, ran errands for them, cooked meals for them and never missed a beat. But she was uncomfortable accepting the same kind of help she had given so freely many times before.

I should embrace my vulnerability. I believe that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Weakness is a sign of humanness. Asking for help acknowledges our humanity and validates the desire to be our best possible selves.

One day, a neighbor came to her door with a casserole. This neighbor had coordinated a number of friends to bring meals over for her and her family every day until she was well. My friend attempted to discourage the help. “Don’t you DARE deny us the privilege of helping you out. We can feed your family so you don’t have to think about it. Your job now is to get well and we want to help. It makes us feel good to give back and it’s selfish of you to deny us this.” When it was presented as a way for my friend to help THEM by allowing them to help her, she surrendered. And she was grateful for the help. In fact, she didn’t’ even know how much she needed help until she received it. I’m tall and am often asked to reach something on the top shelf at the supermarket. I’m always happy to help. I feel a glow deep inside whenever I help someone, no matter how simple or complex the act might be. I have to remind myself that accepting help from others gives them the same gift—a warmth in the soul. We need each other. Help is available in many depths and dimensions. Whether we are physically challenged, emotionally spent, sick, confused, or lonely, we can find help if we’re willing to reach out. There is someone, somewhere holding the lifeline—prepared to help. We only need to accept it when it’s offered, even if we don’t know we need it.

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Reaching out for and accepting help is an action. A great New Year’s resolution would be to have one day a month committed to asking for help. It could be help with an emotional struggle that requires a friendly ear. It could be help with a physical task like stacking boxes in the garage. It could be seeking advice for financial planning, a job reference, or an errand. Maybe if I’m able to make this part of my regular routine, I’ll be more willing to ask for help and support for the big things that will inevitably come my way. In turn, I resolve to continue to help where help is needed because it feels good to my soul.

“Asking for help acknowledges our humanity and validates the desire to be our best possible selves.”

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Letter from the Publisher Happy New Year! The clock just keeps ticking. There are really no do-overs in life—only do-agains. Sometimes we get it right the first time. Sometimes it takes many efforts. The one thing that remains consistent is the “do.” Every “do” requires action. We hear it in the rooms often, “take the next indicated step,” or, “get into action.” Because as much as I love language and words, it’s true that actions speak louder and say more. Upon reflection, 2016 was neither especially good nor especially bad. Like a “C-ticket” ride at Disneyland, safe can also be fun and exciting, and it goes by way too fast. I want more of the same for 2017 because I always want more of a good thing! That’s how I’m wired which is the blessing that landed me in the rooms. Sometimes the best action for me is to stop! It is an honor and a privilege to do what I do. Thank you for sharing this journey. May 2017 be in line with all that is best and right within you. Because you make this world a better place. Respectfully and Enthusiastically,

Karen VanDenBerg

We’ve Got Mail! Letters from our Readers

Dear Step 12 Magazine, I’m not in recovery, but I have a friend who is. I found this magazine at a local sandwich shop and can really relate to a lot of the stories. I showed the magazine to my friend and I think she signed up as well. It’s funny how I can relate to the stories because I don’t have a problem with drugs. I’m sending you this subscription because I want to keep getting it. It’s inspired me to be a better person and to have a better understanding of what my friend is going through. Thank you. Jenny, CA

Hi Roni, I just wanted let you know that the last issue was really good. Lots of great articles. Great job! Thanks for your awesome work. Looking forward to the next issue. Mark Send your letters to: karen@Step12magazine.com

With Love

Some days, the only action I feel like doing is blinking my eyelids. Sometimes, only long lingering blinks will do. www.step12magazine.com

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 7

Experience, Strength, and Hope For People Struggling with Food Obsession

Taking Action to Honor Intentions Everyone makes the New Year’s Resolution about weight loss. What’s a better action to take? January is a dangerous time for Over-eaters. Actually, when isn’t? January is the month when nearly everyone makes some kind of New Year’s resolution about eating less, exercising more, and generally working toward better health and fitness. Over-eaters in Recovery can do the same, as long as we remember we are human and fallible. We benefit from announcing an intention to maintain gentle discipline and, no matter what, get back on track when we falter. The only action that counts is getting back on the beam, and staying on the path that’s true for you. If you fall away from your gentle inner discipline, draw yourself back with a welcoming smile. It will feel like your healthier-self has been quietly awaiting your return. It is important to carefully plot the commitments you’d like to make, and definitely steer clear of weight-loss goals. Your body may not be able to deliver the promises your head wants to keep. Instead of making promises and setting goals, it is best to offer up intentions. The best intentions are gradual behavior changes that can be reasonably accomplished. Announce your intentions to move towards health and wellness, while acknowledging that life sometimes intrudes.

For example, as much as you may want to meditate for twenty minutes twice a day, it may not be realistic for your lifestyle. Rather than scrapping the meditation objective, find a routine that is workable. Maybe only once a week can work. Maybe back and knee issues don’t allow extended sitting. So, maybe meditating while focused on your breathing moving through yoga poses is the best meditation for you. If you find yourself in a situation where the food you had intended to eat is unavailable, then decide to eat what is available in a mindful, meditative manner. In that way, you are still telling your inner self that you are on the beam even if your path has become a bit bumpy. Maybe you intend to make at least one weekly Twelve-Step meeting, but unavoidable events draw you away. Extensive self-talk is needed here to keep reassuring your innermost self that you are still on track even with slight deviations. No matter what behavior you’d like to change, make your intentions reasonable. A yogi once advised me, “It is better to commit to practice only once a month and actually DO IT than to commit to daily practice and not accomplish it.” We don’t want to set up any failure scenarios. Every single action you take honoring your intention counts. It is a message to your body and soul that you are on a different path. Don’t worry about quantity. Just do something. Everything counts. If you manage to walk around the block, that counts. Actually, just lacing up the shoes counts. Pushing your plate away when feeling just slightly sated is an action that honors your intention. It counts. Sitting quietly listening and chewing while others at your table may be talking with mouths full, is a message to your inner being. It all counts. Every one of these actions announce to your inner-self that you are on a slightly different course, and still balanced on the beam. In summation, your best Action Plan is to: 1. Make No Promises. 2. Be Realistic. 3. Know that Everything Counts. Dr. Judi Hollis is a Licensed Family Therapist, author of several books and educational materials, motivational speaker, radio and television expert. Judi would love to hear from you! You can ask Judi questions and access her materials, at www.judihollis. com or call 1-800-8-ENOUGH

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Famous Quotes abou

t ... ACTION

“The best way out is always through” ~ Robert Frost

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” ~Benjamin Disraeli “Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.” ~Alfred Adler “An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied.” ~Arnold Glasow “Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.” ~Peter Marshall

A nod, a bow, and a tip of the lid to the person who coulda and shoulda and did. ~Robert Brault

“Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action”. ~Walter Anderson “I love walking in the woods, on the trails, along the beaches … I love walking alone. It is therapy. One needs to be alone to recharge one’s batteries.” ~ Grace Kelly “Action is the foundational key to all success” ~Pablo Picasso “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” ~ Wayne Gretzki

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 9

Your Story Matters

As Gandhi shared with the world “Be the change you want to see in the world.” “Without taking action very little will be done. However, taking action can be hard and difficult. There can be much inner resistance.”

The first step in taking action toward healing for a male childhood abuse survivor is uttering the words, “I was abused.” The three most difficult words for a man to speak. The inner resistance will be great. Because most men have been taught, since they were little boys, not to cry, admit they need help, show anyone they are vulnerable, to buck up, be a man, don’t act like a girl, or a sissy. It becomes very difficult to admit they were unable to protect themselves, no matter how old they were at the time of the abuse. Men have told me they should have been able to protect themselves against a grown man and when asked how old they were at the time of the abuse, they tell me six or eight. It is an interesting phenomenon; when we look back at our childhood we tend to experience ourselves as taller, smarter, and more capable than we actually were. When men have a frame of reference as to how small they really were they are often shocked. A male survivor becomes filled with shame that there is something wrong with him. Survivors fail the litmus test of being real men according to society’s definition. As the shame builds the need to release it builds as well. Feeling unsafe to speak out, the survivor searches out ways was to release it, resulting in the expression of rage. For an untreated male childhood abuse survivor, road rage, domestic violence, and child abuse will rule the day. Over 68% of males in recovery centers are abuse survivors but few tell anyone, choosing instead to numb the pain and shame they feel with drug and alcohol use. Drugs and alcohol work very well in the beginning, and the desire to give them up is minimal. The problem is, there are not enough drugs and alcohol to keep the pain and shame away, and it keeps sneaking out. My group of male survivors and I speak at Middle and High Schools. Half way though our workshop we put an empty wooden box in the middle of the room and pass out 3” x 5”

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by Carol Teitelbaum, MFT

cards. We request the students to share their own stories with us anonymously. The students are aware that we are mandated reporters and if they share their story directly with us we have to report it to the authorities. Many students were already quite savvy in the ways of Child Protective Services and felt telling was not the lesser of two evils. Stories of life becoming worse, being caused to leave their home and live with foster parents who were mean surfaced and created even more reluctance to disclose. Knowing some of the stories are true and sometimes life does get worse, we can’t tell teenagers they are wrong. What we can tell them is to read Dave Pelzer’s story, A Child Called It. Dave had the worst case of child abuse in California’s history in 1973. Someone finally had the courage to go against Dave’s mom, an alcoholic who was very manipulative. Having enough evidence to remove Dave from his home finally brought him to safety. His mom made him drink bleach and ammonia and his vocal chords were burned. Mom was planning to kill him in August and he was saved on March 5th. Dave lived with foster families who were good to him, teachers were kind and Dave started his healing process. He also had to learn to talk again. Dave grew up to become an astonishing man who has given so much to our society. Even though the book was written years ago it is still being read in most middle schools and students we see always know who Dave is. As we collect the many story cards we do our best to cover as many stories we can and respond to them during the class. This is 2017 and we live in a very beautiful area of the world. That makes little difference, as child abuse has no boundaries, it is an equal opportunity problem happening in the best and the worst of homes. We share the reported statistics with the various teachers who always find it hard to believe that the numbers we give them are accurate. Then, the cards tell the story and the numbers are there. Teachers are always shocked about the number of students who are currently being abused. There is hope. As a community we can take action, educate children, teens, and adults that healing is possible. It all starts with the admission of the abuse, getting sober, learning how to regulate emotions, helping parents be emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. We offer workshops and trainings for schools, medical students, medical residents, attorneys, law enforcement, therapists and recovery centers, staff and residents. We are finding that there is insufficient education about sexual abuse. Together we can make a difference if we all speak up. For more active solutions, Creativechangeconferences.com is offering the 9th annual It Happens to Boys Conference in Austin, Texas on March 24, 2017. © Carol Teitlebaum, MFT is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Rancho Mirage, Calif. She is also the founder of Creative Change Conferences and It Happens to Boys Program. She offers free group counseling to men and teen boys who have been sexually abused as children, and a yearly conference bringing well known experts in the field of trauma, addiction and recovery together creating a two day healing community. For more information go to CreativeChangeConferences.com or call 760-346-4606

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Metaphorically Speaking

By Karen VanDenBerg

Lights, Camera, ACTION If life was a movie set, would we be in the role we want? Check the lights. Are there shadows in dark corners? Is there too much glare in one particular area? Is the contrast stark or soft? Are there filters or full exposure? Does the lighting allow us to see all our strengths and expose all our skeletons in the closet? The camera is in position and ready to roll. Are we comfortable with our part? Have we rehearsed our lines? Is the cast we’re playing with on the same page? Are we dressed for the part? Do we respect the director and have willingness to adjust when needed? Action! It’s time to begin. History is being recorded. A bad scene must be cut and restarted before the film runs out. Changes to the script can be made but must be done quickly. Repeating the scene without changes is a waste of film, and there are a limited number of frames. Once the film has been made, it cannot be undone, just done over on a new section of film. So adjust the lighting, check the angle of the camera, pay attention to the director and start living the life you deserve. Places, everyone, the filming is about to begin. Action!

Metaphorically Speaking is a regular column in Step 12 Magazine designed to help us connect our spiritual journey to worldly situations. Something to think about.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 11

Darlene Lancer

CODEPENDENCY Sociopath or Narcissist?

Sociopathy and psychopathy have often been used interchangeably; however, the former is now referred to “Anti-Social Personality Disorder.” (APD) Personality disorders, including APD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), are enduring, pervasive—affecting a wide range of situations, and are difficult to treat. Signs may be evident by adolescence, but a diagnosis isn’t made until adulthood. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may wonder if your partner is a narcissist or sociopath and whether or not the relationship will improve. If so, or if you recently ended such a relationship, it can undermine your selfesteem and ability to trust yourself and others.

Comparing Sociopaths and Malignant Narcissists A malignant narcissist intensely and/or frequently exhibits all or most of the nine criteria (only five are necessary) for a diagnosis of NPD. They’re more exploitative, vicious, and destructive than other narcissists. Both sociopaths and malignant narcissists can be charming, intelligent, seductive, and successful. They share similar traits: being unreliable, self-centered, insincere, dishonest, and needing control. Both malignant narcissists and people with APD have an inflated view of themselves and sense of entitlement. Even when they’re abusive, they believe they’re justified and deny responsibility for their behavior. They lack insight, empathy, and emotional responsiveness. Although they might feign appropriate emotional reactions, this is a learned behavior and not sincerely felt. Narcissists, who have fewer and less severe symptoms, along with “narcissistic” people who don’t have full-blown NPD, can have insight, guilt, remorse, and an ability to emotionally connect, as well as love. (See my blog Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Limits with Difficult People to determine if your loved one is capable of change and whether your relationship can improve.)

are lazier and try to swindle, steal, or exploit others financially, while many narcissists though exploitative, work hard to achieve their aims or perfection. Although both characters may be motivated to win at all costs, narcissists are more interested in what you think of them. They need others’ admiration. This makes them dependent and codependent on others, and actually capable of being manipulated. They’re less likely to divorce their spouse than a sociopath, who might leave or vanish if they’re exposed or don’t get what they want.

Help and Treatment People with NPD or APD don’t usually seek treatment, unless, in the case of NPD, they’re experiencing severe stress, depression, or their partner insists. Those with APD are sometimes unwillingly courtordered to therapy, which in itself becomes a hurdle to overcome in terms of trust and receptivity. Therapy should focus on helping them access their feelings and learn from the negative consequences of their behavior. Many narcissists can improve with treatment, and those who have insight can benefit from psychodynamic psychotherapy. If you suspect you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, learn more about narcissistic relationships and get a checklist of narcissistic behaviors. Everyone is unique, and people don’t always fit neatly into defined categories. Severe NPD resembles APD, and any differences are really irrelevant. Don’t be concerned with diagnosing, instead, put your energy into healing yourself from trauma or PTSD and codependency. Whether you’re thinking of staying or leaving the relationship, neither will be easy. Focus on gaining awareness, protecting yourself, and getting help and support. Follow the steps in Dealing with a Narcissist to raise your self-esteem and set boundaries. Change and a better life is definitely possible.

Differences between Sociopaths and Narcissists While sociopaths qualify as narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths. What drives them differs. But the main distinction is that a sociopath is more cunning and manipulative, because their ego isn’t always at stake. In fact, they don’t have any real personality. They’re the ultimate con-artists and can take on any persona that suits them. Thus, they may be harder to spot, because they’re not trying to impress you or win your approval—unless it serves their agenda. Instead of bragging, their conversation might center on you rather than on themselves, and they can even be self-effacing and apologetic if it serves their goal. Like premeditated killers, a sociopath is more calculating and might plot and plan an attack months in advance; whereas, a narcissist is more likely to react sooner, using intimidation and lies. Sociopaths

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Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and an expert on relationships and codependency. Contact Darlene directly at info@darlenelancer. com or follow her blogs on www.whatiscodependency.com, also on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/darlene.lancer, and on Twitter: @DarleneLancer.

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Appropriate Action When I was quite young, around five or six, my family left the summer heat of Phoenix for a few days’ vacation in the milder climate of Northern Arizona. Like so many children before and since, I never needed a restroom so badly as I did just ten or so minutes after leaving a rest stop. So, just after crossing into the mountainous portion of the trip, I announced from the back seat “I gotta go pee.” A little disgruntled, my grandfather pulled over. He held the barbed wire apart while I climbed through a perimeter fence, then pointed me to a small group of trees around twenty yards away, telling me to “hurry up.” As I went around the trees for privacy, I ran into the business end of a surprised bull. There were several cows and calves mulling about and the bull quickly grew enraged at my presence. I can remember it beating its head into a young tree so hard that pine needles and small branches fell upon and around the outraged beast.

I was just a boy, and a city boy at that, so I was not exactly sure how much danger I was in, but the threatening situation scared me enough that I walked back around the tree cover and yelled to my grandfather that there was a “cow” behind the trees. My grandfather, a lifelong farmer, yelled back at me that a cow won’t hurt me and he sent me back to the tree line

Valentine’s y p p Ha

Day

by Jim Anders MA.

to finish up. So, I did my business about fifteen yards from a furious bull who did everything but actually charge me to register its displeasure. In fact, this beast followed me as I rounded the tree line scraping at the ground and making some indescribably threatening sounds. The instant my grandfather saw the truth—that I was being followed by an enraged bull instead of a docile cow—he screamed for me to run. Thank God, the bull never did charge, and the only thing dealt me that day was a lesson on the implications of bovine anatomy. The point of this anecdote is that my grandfather and I displayed inappropriate action because we operated on incorrect information. Not recognizing that situation for the great danger it was led to insufficient action which could have, in turn, led to disaster. Is it not the same when battling addiction? If we underestimate the threat, the resulting actions are likely as not to be insufficient. If we misinterpret addiction as a freewill choice, then we believe the only action necessary is to make a different choice—easy, just stop. On the other hand when we see addiction as only (or even as mostly) some kind of sin or moral failing then once again we see a harmless cow of a problem easily defeated by repentance and a prayer or two. However, when at last the seriousness of our position becomes evident, when we are finally ready to see the bull—stomping its hooves and breathing fire—then we almost automatically know serious action is the only reasonable solution; in fact, it’s the only sane course of action. The truth of our situation is that addiction is a disease of the brain and, like any other disease, appropriate treatment is required. However, treatment for us is not chemo-therapy or radiation. For us, treatment is to attend Twelve-Step community meetings, work with a sponsor, maybe get a commitment to serve others. These actions usually are, if worked on an ongoing basis, sufficient to face and defeat the fury of the bull that stalks us.

Jim Anders holds graduate degrees in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary and in Psychology from Brandman University. He is in recovery himself and has the pleasure of being program manager at the 122 bed Salvation Army facility in Perris CA where he has worked for nearly four years.

If I set for myself a task, be it so trifling, I shall see it through. How else shall I have confidence in myself to do important things?

~ George Clason

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Walking the Walk

by Tom Bliss & Alexandra Katehakis excerpted from Mirror of Intimacy

Our constitutional freedoms of expression give us the right literally to take to the streets—to demonstrate—when some concern moves us passionately. When we walk the walk, we get on our feet and prove our desire to make change happen by showing people around us that we mean business. Similarly, when you’re recovering from an addiction, you have to take concrete, visible actions to earn back the trust of friends and family members. And when you’re living in a love relationship you also have to actively participate in the relationship. How many times have we heard the phrase, “walk the walk” and taken it for granted? Love isn’t just what we say, love is what we do. For example, cooking a meal for someone is an act of love—an outpouring of creativity, talent and energy that takes time and effort. A delicious meal is the physical manifestation of the cook’s heart, a way of physically showing how much you mean to him or her. Your appreciation might be expressed by sensuous moans as you savor the tastes, texture, and symphony of the delicious morsels. Your

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verbal demonstrations reflect your own gratitude that someone went to the trouble to give to you so generously. Ravenously devouring your lover clearly demonstrates your desire to merge, to create a mystical third, and to reach Nirvana. But on a daily basis, demonstrations of love can come in the most mundane acts like appearing at your lover’s bedside with a morning cup of coffee or tea, or running an errand because you know they can’t tend to it. Every demonstration counts. Don’t get lazy or take your partner for granted, walk your walk.

Daily Healthy Sex Acts • Demonstrate your love for someone today with a small gesture. • Demonstrate without getting brownie points: do something nice anonymously for a co-worker, neighbor, or other friendly acquaintance. • Make a grand display for your partner to show you’re sincerely connected—have fun with it!

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 15

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

by Kristin Wilhite

In my journey of codependency, I found myself repeating a pattern of partnering up with three different alcohol abusers over the course of sixteen years. In hindsight, I realize I stayed in those relationships too long. I generally don’t cast judgement, but I can see the damage it caused me … to believe false promises. I made many mistakes which have become great lessons for me: 1. To put myself in safe places with safe people. People who follow through with what they say (promise) earn our trust. When a person tells you one thing and does another, they are not being responsible, accountable, or honest (with themselves or you). Being led into disappointment with this kind of behavior can be grueling.

When I didn’t know better, I tolerated this behavior because I believed the promises made pertaining to needs and wants … yet, when the behavior only changed for a week or two, I would get upset, hurt, and feel unloved. This cycle eventually caused me to feel unworthy of love and broke down my self-esteem. I tell you this story not because I want to share with the world how embarrassed I am to have allowed myself to feel so low, I am sharing for all you who see the pattern so you too can get help, support and educate yourself. Go to CODA meetings, go to al-anon, take care of yourself and read Safe People. I spent over a year seeing a counselor to learn how not to be codependent. As she heard my story, she would call me out on what I was doing to contribute to the problem (aka enabling). Sound scary? Well, here’s the deal. If you want to get well, you must be willing to look at yourself, your thoughts, your words and your behaviors.

Realizing I am the common denominator of my problems, this selfevaluation was the beginning of my journey to mental, emotional and relationship wellness. Years ago, I was introduced to a quote by Mahatma Ghandi:

“Happiness is when... … What you think, … What you say, … And what you do … Are in harmony.” This rings through my head every time I get disappointed by someone telling me one thing, but doing the opposite. After spending an enormous amount of energy being angry at my ex-fiancé for all the lies he told me, I had an epiphany that he didn’t do it to me (victim perspective), that he was doing it to himself. Of course, that didn’t make it right, but it did help me feel like it wasn’t deliberate to hurt me, thus enabling me to forgive. Yes, I may have stayed too long … my goal at the time was to understand the lesson so I wouldn’t repeat it with another partner. This would have been fine had I kept my self-preservation and esteem in tact. Sadly, it took me years to recover. The worst parts were how much my health and my friendships suffered through the process. If I could share any insight with those facing the pain of living with an addict, or any person that that doesn’t follow through with their promises, that is to take action on behalf of your wellness: take care of yourself—you are worth it and worthy of much love. Find support, joy, laugh, exercise, do things that make you feel good, i.e. massage, yoga, meditate. Spend time with people that lift your spirits and make you feel good about yourself. In my career of being a wellness guide, I found that no matter which arena you are focused on: relationships, career, communication, fitness, health—mental, emotional, spiritual or physical—results are manifested only by taking action, including the act of thinking positive. Your actions create results and momentum that is powered only by your actions. Kristin Wilhite, HHP is the Owner/Founder of www.SustainableHolistic.com DBA Progressive Holistic Living: Providing Professional Holistic Health Care Since 1995. Check out her online class “Put the Happy in the Holidays” To Relieve your Holiday Blues. Info: http://www.sustainableholistic.com/Depression%20Solutions/remove-holiday-blues.

Satisfaction lies in the effort not in the attainment, full effort is full victory ~ Ghandi

16 - JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 17

Newcomer’s Page

The Resolution Solution: Smile!

Five years ago, two years into my sober journey, my New Year’s resolutions were as follows: 1. I resolve to smile, especially when I don’t feel like it, just to see if smiling improves my state of mind. 2. I resolve to look directly into peoples’ eyes when I smile, just to see what happens. 3. I resolve to pick up three pieces of random litter per day and toss it in the trash as an environmental gesture. Since then, I’ve held steadfast to all three resolutions. Great things manifest the moment I plant a smile on my face, especially when I don’t feel like it. I’m instantly aware of my internal, emotional barometer and my external, physical environment. I halt and assess: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Maybe, all four! Planting a smile on my face conjures up a mental, remedial list. When hungry, I can sit down and enjoy a piece of blackened toast, smothered in peanut butter; one of my favorite snacks. When teetering on the brink of frustration, I can go outside for a brief, scenic walk. When lonely, I can dial up Suzie and ask her how she’s faring in the colder weather. I can attend any number of meetings, virtually anywhere, on the face of this lovely planet. When I arrive, I can make the coffee and serve the fellowship. When tired, I can relish the comfort of a cozy power-nap. I can do, be, and partake in any number of things which, coincidentally, make my smile brighter. As for Resolution Number Two, I walk taller, rising to bestow a casual greeting as I make eye-to-eye contact, bearing sincere

by Lyn Parra

acknowledgment to another human being. I’m keenly aware of and invigorated by a renewed sense of purpose. Say I’m walking through a parking lot headed in to the grocery store. I notice an older man wrestling with the unruly bags, trying to get them in the trunk of his car. I stop, momentarily, and help him. Once inside the store, I notice among the distracted shoppers a bewildered, whimpering, cutie-pie toddler who’s lost his parents. He allows me to pick him up and take him to the manager who locates the child’s frantic parents. Though brief, these are basic, WOW! encounters. These resolutions were intended to fill my nearly empty, spiritual cup. I became immediately overwhelmed with joy and gratitude while noticing God’s steady stream of blessings meant just for me via the reawakening of my humble, day-to-day purpose in helping others. Try this free and easy, mind-blowing experience: First smile, look up, then gain eye contact with someone, and see what happens. You’ll be amazed before you’re halfway through. You’ll also be amazed at what an easy task it is to pick up three (or more) pieces of litter a day, on any given foot path. Resolution Number Three is now ingrained. I notice others seem to join in, sort of like a rippling effect, to pick up an empty soda cup, maybe a squashed, empty package of cigarettes, or the remnants of a fast food binge. Prior to that time, the rippling effect of making New Year resolutions always turned into a tidal wave of untold frustration. I kept thinking resolutions meant some form of trade off between people, places and things. Through long-suffering, I’d certainly acquire and deserve unparalleled results—to no avail. So, I stopped making ridiculous resolutions and started making realistic, personal changes toward particular goals. Holding steady, I marginalize my New Year’s resolutions to the aforementioned three, easy, breezy, personal codes of conduct. By smiling, I garner the consistent, positive results I described without settling for self-imposed, unsatisfying half measures. Seriously, for the rest of the year, plant a smile on your wonderful face every time you think about it, no matter where you are or what you’re doing in that instance. You’ll see others respond in kind. Oh, yeah, happy New Year and Valentine’s Day. Don’t forget to smile!

Newcomer’s Checklist aDon’t Take That First Drink or Drug aMake Plenty of Meetings aCall Sponsor aHang out with People in Recovery aFocus on the Positive aTalk about your Feelings 18 - JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017

aBeware of People, Places, & Things aTake One Day at a Time aAsk Higher Power for Help aStay out of “Your Head” aMove a Muscle, Change a Thought aRead the Literature Contact Step 12 Magazine at 760-898-8354

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 19

Suicide: The Silent Killer Step 12 Magazine interviews Adele Ryan McDowell, Ph.D.

How do you think we can fight against the stigma of depression, mental illness and suicide? Awareness, education and compassion, instead of judgment, is the only appropriate response to suicide. With increasing numbers of deaths being attributed to suicide, do you think suicide become an epidemic? Yes, it already is. From young to old and across every socioeconomic strata, suicide reaches every nook and cranny of our planet. According to the World Health Organization, globally, there is, on average, one suicide every 40 seconds. In the US, the average is one suicide every 13 minutes. Do you think social factors are to blame for suicide, for example, bullying, racism, sexism, etc.?

Has your life been touched by suicide? Yes, my mother was an alcoholic and very depressed. I remember asking her about the gashes on her wrist when I was a child. She allowed the doctor did it to her, but I knew she had attempted suicide. I seemed always to be “at the right place at the right time.” In my freshman year of college, one of my dorm mates attempted suicide and I sat with her all night holding the bloodied razor blade. Another time, one of the women in another office attempted suicide and I was asked to help. In college, I volunteered at the first paraprofessional suicide hotline in the country and was able to save many lives. As a psychologist, how did you move into the area of suicide and its aftermath? Given the nature of my work (substance, sexual, physical and emotional abuse) suicidal thoughts and actions have always been a part of the discussion. Every childhood sexual abuse survivor I have ever worked with has dealt with suicidality. It makes sense given the horror, terror and betrayal a child goes through with that kind of trauma. Trauma and/or grief—and therefore, suicidality—has been at the heart and soul of most of my work. What do you think are the most common factors that lead people to suicidal thoughts? We know a family history of addiction, mental illness, violence and suicide along with a firearm in the home are risk factors for suicide. Depression is the strongest risk factor for suicide; deep, intractable, dark-holed depression offers no options or possibilities. It is a tight, cramped, airless space. Individuals feel stuck, profoundly tired, deeply detached and disconnected. They hurt all over. Nothing makes sense. They feel there is no point. “Why should I live?”

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Yes, anytime we see “the other” as the enemy, different, or threatening we create separation. The woundedness of that separation causes people to lash out and respond in cruel and inhumane ways. The recipients of such often-relentless bashing lose their sense of connection with the world and with themselves. The pain is so huge that suicide becomes the answer to alleviate the trauma and misery. Are there ways to detect when someone we love may be contemplating suicide? Listen if someone talks about being suicidal or makes off-hand threats about suicide, death or dying. Suicidal loved ones often will express their feelings, even in a sarcastic or seemingly joking tone. You might hear, “You’ll be sorry when I am dead and gone.” Or they may write poetry or lyrics with dark and self-destructive thoughts. They are preoccupied with death, dying, or suicide. Suicidal individuals frequently research ways and means to take their lives. Or they might stockpile medications, secure a firearm, or procure poison. Further, a suicidal person may begin to wrap up their life by making funeral arrangements, giving possessions away, and finalizing legal documents to get their affairs in order. It has been said that “We don’t commit suicide because we want to die. We just want the pain to stop.” How do we best help loved ones who suffer from invisible pain? Pain in its myriad forms is the primary catalyst for suicide. There are two ways to help stop the pain. 1. Remind your loved ones to feed their soul. The soul is the animating life force within each of us. We need regular does of beauty, nature, quiet, and music. Feeding our soul makes us feel alive. 2. Compassion increases connection and understanding. Compassion does a side-run past violence and cruelty. Honor the power of your heart. 24 hour, toll-free hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (English and Spanish) Adele Ryan McDowell is a psychotherapist and meditation teacher, and the author of Making Peace with Suicide. Visit:www.adeleryanmcdowell.com

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20 IMPORTANT Self-Assessment QUESTIONS For You or a Loved One

One of the oldest and most time tested dependency evaluation tools for chemical dependency has its origins from the Johnson Institute of Minneapolis. Many variations exist, but the basic questions are as follows: 1. Has anyone ever suggested you quit or cut back on your drug/alcohol use? Y / N 2. Has drinking or using affected your reputation? Y / N 3. Have you made promises to control your drinking or using and then broken them? Y / N 4. Have you ever switched to different drinks or drugs or changed your using pattern in an effort to control or reduce your consumption? Y / N 5. Have you ever gotten into financial, legal, or relationship difficulties due to drinking or using? Y / N 6. Have you ever lost time from work because of drinking or using? Y / N 7. Have you ever sneaked or hidden your use? Y / N 8. On occasion, do you feel uncomfortable if alcohol or your drug is not available? Y / N 9. Do you continue drinking or using when friends or family suggest you have had enough? Y / N 10. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed about your drinking or using or what you did while under the influence? Y / N 11. Has your efficiency decreased as a result of your drinking or using? Y / N 12. When using or drinking, do you neglect to eat properly? Y/N 13. Do you use or drink alone? Y / N 14. Do you use or drink more than usual when under pressure, angry, or depressed? Y / N 15. Are you able to drink or use more now without feeling it, compared to when you first started using? Y / N 16. Have you lost interest in other activities or noticed a decrease in your ambition as a result of your drinking or using? Y / N 17. Have you had the shakes or tremors following heavy drinking or using or not using for a period of time Y/ N 18. Do you want to drink or use at a particular time each day? Y/N 19. Do you go on and off the wagon? Y / N 20. Is drinking or using jeopardizing your job? Y / N Three or more â&#x20AC;&#x153;yesâ&#x20AC;? answers suggest that you should more closely evaluate your drug and or alcohol use. Call for help today!

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 21

UNLOCKED For Life

with

Dan Sanfellipo

The Courage to be Uncomfortable I recently received good news from my doctor. After undergoing a new treatment for Hep-C, I am officially cured! I still need to be on the pills for another five or six weeks, but the virus is gone. Before I started this new treatment, I was warned there would be uncomfortable side effects. I would likely experience nausea, insomnia, depression, fatigue— and I did. It was light-years more comfortable than the interferon treatment I had in prison (which didn’t work) but it was as uncomfortable as the doctor said it would be. The first few weeks were the worst. I was painfully aware of every side effect. But hope of being cured of a disease that would ultimately take my life kept me compliant with the regimen. Still, I had to summon all my courage to stay hopeful and hang on to the faith that this discomfort was the means to a better end. The call from my doctor last week was the prize. This wouldn’t have even been possible if I wasn’t clean and sober today, which is the reward of living through another very uncomfortable “treatment.” When I first got sober, I received so much love and caring—people hugged me, shook my hand, told me to come back. They didn’t want anything from me and I didn’t trust that in the beginning. I didn’t believe that a guy like me, who came from where I came from, deserved the love and gifts of the program given to me so freely and so quickly. I pushed people away. I was warned the treatment would be uncomfortable. I was told the process would be the means to a better end. I had to find the courage to sit through the discomfort if I had any hope of surviving this disease that was threatening my life. I’m grateful for my willingness to sit through it. It was very difficult facing people I didn’t know with total honesty about my story and situation. It was even

more difficult facing my loved ones; I cheated them, lied to them, disappointed them and stole from them. My old go-to for dealing with discomfort was drugs and alcohol, but that was off the table now. If I wanted the better life, I had to follow the treatment plan. By following the plan, working the steps, and helping other people, I have been cleared of all that negativity. The burdensome baggage of guilt and shame are gone. Because I sat through the side effects of new sobriety, I was given the option to undergo the new Hep-C treatment (with all it’s terrible side effects)—and it worked. I will undoubtedly have to sit through discomfort again. Consequences from my bad choices in the past sometimes sneak up on me. It still takes courage to sit through the discomfort of change … even when change is for the better. The side effects do pass. I do these articles because I want to freely give the same “medicine” that was freely given to me. If you can have the courage to be uncomfortable for a little while, long enough to get to a new place, I promise, the sun shines brighter and the grass grows greener. I spent thirty years messing up my life a minute at a time. The transition was uncomfortable and things didn’t change over night. Today, I am very comfortable in my own skin because I had the courage to sit uncomfortably with the side-effects of treatment. Written by K.VanDenBerg based on interviews with D. Sanfellipo

© Dan Sanfellipo received his education in the California State Penal system from the age of 13. A trauma survivor, author of the upcoming book “Unlocked for Life” and founder of support and coaching program of the same name, Dan is a practicing member of twelve-step recovery and an international competitor in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Dan has dedicated his energy, experience, strength and hope to helping men and women find lasting freedom—from poverty, restriction, stigma, addiction, despair and prison. Dan can be reached at Dan@unlockedforlife.com

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MOVE!

All the scientific theories float to the surface of my mind: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Actions speak louder than words. Thoughts lead to actions. Spiritual theories also abound: Watch your words. Be careful what you wish for. There, but for the grace of God, go I ....

By Lori Nelson

seeing the whole picture! Imagine a movie, seeing it all at once in a flash, without the frame by frame, scene by scene devouring of a story. It would fall flat, not have any meaning, leave you hungry for how everything happened. Such is any expectation or priority or plan needing plot points to deliver satisfying end points. Some people eat a meal by mixing it all together. Others eat first this and then that, but everyone consumes bite by bite. Spaghetti strand by spaghetti strand, we twist our pasta until it’s gone and we finally feel satiated by sauce-covered carbs. Yet when the big dreams don’t come true in an instant, we give up, throw in the towel, turn on the TV. Life will always and forever give us challenges to overcome. Don’t you hate that? When will our air be dust-free, our refrigerators stay stocked full, and our bank accounts overflow with cold cash? Never. Unless you hit a huge lottery and hire a maid, that is, and even then, you can still fall ill, give in to cravings or obsessions, watch your McMansion melt in the middle of a raging fire, lose your love, or your heart’s desire. Then, it’s start over. Square one … again. And again.

Theories aside for a moment, actions are the keys that complement communications, both with others and within ourselves. All actions require us to make a move! Move aside from staid positions, move your muscles, move across country, heck—move off the couch! Make a move. Do something. Thoughts are great, action is greater. Failing forward means you moved. But it beats falling back into inaction. Break monumental impossibilities into smaller sections of potential progress. Seeing the whole picture is like, well,

I promise, life will never be a walk in the park for too long. Enjoy your stroll, enjoy the good moments ... breathe fully and deeply through the bad times, waiting again for the good times. Life means to live. And to be alive means action. Always action. Don’t you hate that? Pass the popcorn. Move! © Lori Nelson is an author, speaker, educator, and an international “edutainer” aboard cruise ships. She occasionally blogs at anotherloristory. blogspot.com. Find Lori on Facebook. Torture: Broken Foot, Shattered Soul, is available on Amazon, or email Lori at anotherloristory@gmail. com. Lori lives in Atlanta, Georgia.

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Your Crisis Coach

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ADVERTISMENT

Recovery and Tobacco Addiction: Rehab for Smokers By Michael V. Burke, EdD, Mayo Clinic Nicotine Dependence Center Program Coordinator Mayo Clinic offers an intensive eight-day residential treatment program tailored specifically to those who want to kick their tobacco addiction. The research-based program is led by Mayo Clinic researchers and doctors who consider all aspects of your condition to provide exactly the care you need. A disproportionate number of people, who are in recovery from alcoholism or other addictions, continue to be addicted to cigarettes. And tobacco addiction claims the lives of too many people going through recovery. A study done by Richard Hurt, M.D., emeritus director of the Nicotine Dependence Center at Mayo Clinic tracked the health records and mortality of people who had been through treatment for alcoholism. As you might expect, mortality among people who completed treatment was higher than expected. The cause of death though, for more than half of those who died, was tobacco, not alcohol or other drugs. Unfortunately, drug and alcohol treatment programs too often fail to provide support for people who also want to stop smoking. Many treatment programs are putting plans in place to better address tobacco along with other drugs, and they should be commended. But, progress is slow. Treatment

providers may fear that people will relapse if they also stop smoking. However, to the contrary, the evidence is that people who stop smoking early in recovery are less likely to relapse to their drug of choice, and more likely to be satisfied with their recovery. Another myth that may be slowing progress in integrating tobacco treatment into addiction treatment programs is that stopping smoking increases stress, anxiety or depression. But, again, the evidence suggests just the opposite. Studies that measure these before and after stopping smoking find that stopping smoking reduces anxiety and depression possibly as much as anti-depressants. Similarly, physical measures of stress show that stress levels go down once a person stops smoking. Many people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t realize that there are treatment programs specifically targeted for tobacco dependence. Currently there are two in the United States: Mayo Clinic Nicotine Dependence Center Eight-Day Residential Treatment Program in Rochester, Minnesota, and another on the west coast. Both programs have high success rates with treating tobacco addiction through counseling, education, group support and medications. For smokers who have tried everything, programs like this can really work.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 25

Dear Petra...

Expert answers to your questions about Hep-C and Addiction

Hep-C Treatment … Did It Work? Deer Park, Texas Dear Petra: I have undergone treatment countless times before. Being the rarer Genotype 3, my Hep-C was more difficult to cure! I finally went on a new treatment (Dakinza with Ribavirin and Sovaldi), and received a much needed cure. I have struggled with severe health issues and have almost lost my life a few times from the severe affects of both the disease and all the past treatments. After I discovered that I was cured six months ago now, I was scared the entire time that it would come back. However, I am happy to report that I just got the call and am STILL UNDETECTED! Whew! Thank you for everything you have done for me the past few years and the education you have provided to both myself and to the public! Dear Scared: How exuberantly happy I am for you, Eileen! Thank you for helping as administrator on our HepCGI Faceook page for well over a year when you were so ill. I could not have done this alone! I am sending healing light to help you on your road to full recovery and lessen all your other health issues!

Who Becomes Addicted? Montreal, Quebec Dear Petra: I have a simple question that has been plaguing me for a while. Why do some people become addicted, while others don’t? Dear Plagued: Risk factors for becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs, like other conditions and diseases, vary from person to person. The most common risk factors include: 1. Genetics—your family history; 2. Age when you start using alcohol or drugs; 3. Family (including abuse, neglect and traumatic experiences in childhood) 4. Social Environment (including access to alcohol and drugs and how often they are used), and 4. Types of drugs used

Hepatitis C is a growing Global Pandemic! 1 in 12 people have viral hepatitis worldwide.

Legal versus Illegal Drugs New York, New York Dear Petra: Should I be concerned about prescription drugs when the “real problem” is the illegal drugs like cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine? Dear Concerned: Yes, you should be concerned about alcohol and all of the other drugs, legal and illegal. Recently there has been a significant increase in the non-medical use of prescription pain drugs, especially among young people. In fact, after marijuana, the next three most commonly used drugs are the non-medical use of prescription pain medications: Interferon in 2016? Vicodin, OxyContin and Adderall. In my personal expereince (for I have done almost all legal and non-legal drugs in the Bournemouth, England past), pharmaceutical medications are even harder to kick than Dear Petra: I was on interferon and ribavirin earlier in legal drugs, including heroin … and methadone is the hardest the year, was due to be a six month course, ended at three of all! months due to being a partial responder. I got slightly better in first month, then it just stopped working. And my Common Drugs? viral load went from 110k at start, to 1.6m after treatment. Washington, DC They told me that they had no other treatment they could offer Dear Petra: I am a teenager, and am wondering what drugs are me at the time, apparently I wasn’t ill enough and to come the most commonly abused? back in three months. I feel helpless and hopeless … any Dear Wondering: Each year, the National Institute on Drug suggestions? Abuse (NIDA) tracks drug use trends among high school Dear Interferon?: As far as I have been made aware, nobody students (8th, 10th and 12th grades) through the Monitoring should be receiving interferon in 2017! This is simply unheard the Future Study (MTF). The following is a list of the most of and makes me want to call out your doctor! Please, please commonly abused drugs among 12th graders, starting with go and see another doctor … this guy is an animal to allow this the most frequent: marijuana, Adderall, Vicodin, tranquilizers, to happen. I have been on interferon and it creates complete cough medicine, sedatives, hallucinogens, MDMA/ecstasy, permanent havoc on our bodies. It is a botched cancer OxyContin, cocaine, salvia and Ritalin. It is my prayer for you treatment to begin with. Your doctor should be reported! What that you avoid any and all of these and of course other drugs! a disgrace! Speaker, Author and CEO of #HepCGI . Being an expert in her field and specializing in addictions, Petra is here to answer all your questions and concerns. Please send your questions anonymously via the contact form at www.Petrabilities.com or http://hepcgi.wix.com/hepcgi

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Located in Temecula California

The following book reviews are honest IMPRESSIONS of these newly released titles. Grab a copy and see if you agree... These are not “paid” reviews. Do you have any recommendations for books about recovery? Get in touch! email: editor@step12magazine.com

Healing the Man Within by Randy Boyd

This book is so compelling, it’s hard to put down once you start reading. Written in the first person, it describes the author’s personal journey of recovery from child sexual abuse. Boyd is extremely candid as he relates the devastating effects the abuse had on his life, and how he fought hard to overcome the many obstacles in his path to recovery. It’s a great tool for men who have suffered abuse, and offers to help survivors find their own path to inner peace, gives them new hope, teaches men how to forgive themselves and others, and clearly demonstrates how to walk away from shame. Inspiring and powerful, this book carries a wonderful message of hope. Its insights and practical advice are very useful tools for men—and also for their loved ones— who have experienced the trauma and pain of childhood abuse and would like to move on.

A.D.H.D. Nation by Alan Schwarz

SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT La Ventana’s approach to substance abuse treatment is holistic, individually tailored, and grounded in evidence-based research. Our multidisciplinary team expertly craft treatment plans that include psychiatric and medical care; individual, family, and group psychotherapy. Our program meets the client and their family where they are at: we formulate treatment plans to focus on the individual’s needs, beliefs, and underlying causes of the disease throughout all levels of care. And yes, La Ventana accepts most major insurance.

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Truly an eye-opener, this book lays bare what is happening right in front of us in high schools and colleges around the country. Exposing the notorious pharmaceutical industry’s ulterior motives, and revealing its blatant push to turn popular ADHD medications into a multi-billion dollar business, Schwarz shows how the target market is children and that the product they’re pushing is addictive.Utilizing facts from the history of diagnosing ADHD, and following the progression of prescribed treatments, Schwarz also relates the horrifying stories of individual kids and adults who have suffered from the after effects of ADHD medications. Over-diagnosis and intentional misuse of the medications are two of the main focus points, including tales of adolescents who abuse the drugs to enhance their grades or get high.

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 27

What Advice Would I Have Given Myself? by Morgan Thorpe

Find your passion and go for it. Don’t let anyone or anything keep you from reaching your goal. There are many roads to choose from, some are longer than others, always choose the scenic route. Every new person you meet knows something you do not, so learn how to listen. An old homeless man told me when I was young that if I don’t get what I want in life I have no one to blame but myself. It is some of the best advice I was ever given. Give freely of what you find, this does not only mean material possessions. If you are happy, smile, if you have climbed a mountain, bring up others so they too can enjoy the view. Always remember, if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. Times will be tough, no doubt, and when the world says, “Give Up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” Never, ever, ever give up. There is always another day, another sunrise. There is always hope. You must believe that no matter what. God will always do for you what you cannot do for yourself. He may not always take away the pain, but pain is often a promise of progress. Hold onto your purpose at all costs. Be prepared to walk through fire to keep your integrity. It goes a long way. You were meant to shine. Keep away from people, places and things that will drain your light, that will steal your soul, that will take your serenity. Never be afraid to walk away, or turn around if you walked down the wrong path. It takes more courage to turn around and admit your faults than eventually come face to face with a mistake. The more mistakes you make, the easier it becomes to do the wrong thing. If you need help, ask. You won’t get help unless you ask. And this includes asking God for help. I once read that God is a gentleman, he will not go anywhere unless he is invited. And when others ask you for help always do what you can within your means. The best way to get rid of negative thoughts is to stop thinking about yourself and think about how you can help others. The more you give, the wealthier you become. Walk. Pray. Listen. Remember, God will always be there. He will always guide you, He will always answer your every prayer, however, sometimes the answer is no, and that may be the greatest gift of all. Be prepared to be amazed at just how beautiful the world really is, drive through the Smoky mountains in the first week of October, travel the roads of Ireland, you will see colors you never knew existed. Take a look around, it is a wonderful world, always full of a plethora of possibilities. When your spirit is right you can find happiness simply by looking up at the sky. Keep your promises as best you can, especially to your friends and family. Your parents love you unconditionally. They may not always be able to show it in their words; however, you must remember that 93% of all communication is non-verbal. Your family loves you no matter what. In the

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end, they are the only ones who can explain you. Love deeply. Never be afraid to say I love you, it may be the last words someone hears. However, love completely, love does not pick and choose which parts to keep and which parts to throw away. If you love, love with all your heart. Do not be afraid that love won’t last, you will be much better for remembering the smiles it brought rather than the tears it took. Don’t worry about money, the more you worry about it, the less you will have. Never lean on others financially. Get a college degree, or even two, become the smartest person you possibly can. Education is priceless. Do not be afraid of what other’s think of you. Do not let them rent space in your head. What others think of you is none of your business. You cannot control people, places or things. The only thing you can control is yourself. Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most folks don’t realize they are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Make up your mind to be the most positive, enthusiastic person you can. Learn to leave gracefully, learn to say a good farewell. In this life you will experience loss ... loss of a job, loss of a home, loss of a loved one, loss of a life once lived, loss of a dream once shared. You will say more goodbyes than hellos, and that is okay. You are okay. You will be just fine. I promise. Hold your head up because in the end, it will be worth every misstep, every lesson, every wrong turn, because one day you too will be able to share your story ... and the advice you would have given yourself along the way ....

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with Leonard Lee Buschel

GO SEE A GOOD FILM Leonard’s TOP 12 picks of 2016

MOONLIGHT by Barry Jenkins Mind blowing coming of age story without a single white person in the film. There is not a false moment or performance in this one of a kind movie. How it ever got made is a miracle. It’s a foreign film made in America, that could have only been made in America. ARRIVAL by Denis Villeneuve Science fiction more real than non-fiction. A perfect mother-daughter movie. A love story too. Invasion of the Grammar Snatchers. They came in peace to a warlike planet. Luckily, some humans still believe in love. AMERICAN HONEY by Andrea Arnold Shia LaBeouf blows his acting chops off the charts because he looks like he’s making it up as he twirls and jumps from chick to chocolate malt seeing life force as his only friend. Weed is holy, booze is sublime, and friendship is what makes humans human. JACKIE by Pablo Larrain. Just give the Oscar to Natalie Portman now. Take all your loved ones on the other side with you. And bid them adieu again from the darkness of the movie palace. It’s a history lesson from the inside. The song of Camelot that seems further away now than ever.

RULES DON’T APPLY by Warren Beatty and Howard Hughes. WOW. This darling little perfect date night film floating on gossamer wings. Rules Don’t Apply slipped into theaters unnoticed. They DO make films like they used to, and this is it. No guile, just naivety and an undying love of movies. EYE IN THE SKY by Gavin Hood. A fabulous way for Alan Rickman to end his career. This film all takes place in eight hours of tense, jaw dropping suspenseful action AND dialogue, The stakes are sky high, and the performances are solidly grounded in great old English acting techniques. LA LA LAND by Damien Chazelle. Singing in the Rain it is not. No, it’s Singing in the Sun! Dancing for road rage relief? LOVE STORY for the hopeless romantic. A Hoagy Carmichael stool is a character. He sat on it while he composed Stardust. Openhearted lovers sing like they are in The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (look it up). THE LOBSTER by Yorgos Lanthimos. Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz go through this movie never letting on they know this film is frigging nuts, absurd and brilliant. The animals should have their names and trainers on the marquee. If you can’t find a mate, you’re better off as someone’s pet. HUNT FOR THE WILDERPEOPLE by Taika Waititi. A national manhunt is ordered for a rebellious kid and his foster uncle who go missing in the wild New Zealand bush. Sounds ordinary, but it is anything but. As Sam Neill proved in Jurassic Park, he’s the dad everyone wishes they h ad. DON’T THINK TWICE by Mike Birbiglia. Who is this guy, Mike Bibiglia? Women love him. Why? Because he’s funny. And now he’s proven himself to be an astute and honest filmmaker. He loves his cast, like neighbors who never ask you to feed their cats when their out of town. Smart humor by smart people. 13TH by Ava DuVernay. “An in-depth look at the prison system in the United States and how it reveals the nation’s history of racial inequality.” Slavery still exists, but they call it the Prison Industrial Complex. Essential for anyone who thinks justice for all isn’t really just, bullshit for all. DEEPWATER HORIZON by Peter Berg Starts very strong, then turns onto the best chase movie of the year. It’s water that’s doing the chasing. You learn a lot, and that is the joy. And you finally understand there is no money in safety, conservation, environmental protections or sobriety .... Leonard Buschel is the Founder and Director of REEL Recovery Film Festival. See the website at: www.reelrecoveryfilmfestival.org.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 29

by Randy Boyd

What if I told you I believe I have the key to true happiness and freedom from resentments and anger towards the person who abused you? Then, what if I told you that you hold the key to that freedom and happiness within yourself? Would you be willing to do what it takes to feel that happiness and freedom? Good. Now that you have said yes, what if I told you I found gaining that freedom and happiness was as simple as forgiving the person who abused me? Now wait a minute, Randy. That’s asking a lot. Yes I know, and it was my biggest roadblock to true happiness and freedom as well. Today, I can honestly say, that for me, forgiveness has been the key to enabling me to find true freedom and happiness. And as difficult as it may be to consider, I believe it can be especially true for survivors of abuse or anyone who has resentments and contempt for people who have harmed them. Eleven years ago, I would have laughed at that statement. It seemed that all anyone would say to me whenever I talked about how much I despised my abusers was, “You just need to forgive, forget, and move on, Randy.” These are what I considered to be three of the most damaging words you could tell a survivor. My reply was always the same; you have no idea what they did to me. If what happened to me happened to you, you’d feel this way yourself. Today, I will say that in fact, one way to achieve true freedom and happiness actually is to forgive and move on. However, that is a process that will take time. How much time is up to you, this is your journey. Forgiveness can be quite short happening in a matter of minutes or it can take years, it very much depends on the nature of the hurt and the unique story

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of the situation and emotion. No one has the right to tell how quickly you should forgive. For myself, it was about three years into my recovery, when I reached the place where I was finally able to fully forgive my abusers. Just know that the journey awaits you whenever you are ready. One of my biggest fears was that I believed forgiving meant condoning the abuse, or letting my abusers off the hook. I knew that my hatred and rage were poisoning me—while, ironically, having no effect whatsoever on my abusers. But I was terrified to let those feelings go, for they had come to define me. Without them, I didn’t know who I would be. So how could I forgive them and give up the feelings which had kept me safe for thirty-plus years? What I learned along my journey was, first and foremost, that forgiveness was solely for myself and not for the person who had harmed me. In forgiving, the chains which bound me to that abusive person were severed. I was unshackled from the chains that kept me bound in my resentment, anger and hate. I was finally free. Even more important is understanding what forgiveness is not. Josh Howerton, a pastor in Spring Hill, Tennessee, has stated my thoughts succinctly (with my comments following in parentheses) about what forgiveness is not: 1. Forgiveness is not approving or diminishing the abuse or sin. (The sinfulness of the abuse never changes.) 2. Forgiveness is not denying a wrong-doing. (It can never be denied that you were abused and hurt.) 3. Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. (You forgive the abusive person, whether or not he or she ever apologizes.) 4. Forgiveness is not forgetting. (You will never forget.) 5. Forgiveness is not ceasing to feel the pain. (It’s okay for it to hurt, but just don’t stay stuck in the pain.) 6. Forgiveness is not trusting. (You need to be exceedingly careful about whom you trust.) 7. Forgiveness is not neglecting justice. (You can forgive and still pursue justice.) 8. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. (You are not required to allow your abuser back in your life, or to have a relationship with him or her.) Hopefully this interpretation of forgiveness will help give you a broader view about what forgiveness might look like, and will enable you to think about beginning to move forward towards the freedom and happiness you deserve to have. For further reading, there is a whole chapter in my book Healing the Man Within (see page 27) dedicated to forgiveness. Randy Boyd is the Founder/CEO of Courageous Healers Foundation, an author and public speaker. Visit: www.courageoushealers.org

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BECOME A CERTIFIED ALCOHOL & DRUG COUNSELOR My Journey My journey began in a substance abuse treatment facility. After going through rehab and being introduced to the 12 steps in 1985, I was invited back by the treatment center I had completed to be their first Behavioral Technician. I didn’t have any formal education or training to help other alcoholics and addicts recover. What I had to offer was my strength, hope and experience. I loved helping others, but it wasn’t enough. In order to grow in the field & advance my career, I had to go back to school. I needed a specific education to have the positive impact on others that I really wanted. ATI was created to offer others an affordable, efficient and accommodating avenue to increase their effectiveness in the field of addiction treatment and open the door for employment opportunities. I have worked nearly every position in a treatment center – from an entry level Behavioral Technician to the Executive Director of a 150 bed facility. During my 30 years in the field, I feel good about the work I’ve done helping others get their lives into a better space. If you aspire to help others, make the word a better place, and earn more money in a field you are passionate about, ATI was created with you in mind. Call us today and let us surprise you with how simple it can be to take the next step. Ron Black, LCSW VP Addictions Training Institute

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Smile

Dot I

Be Mine

Text Me

Be True

Lov e Ge Crazty

Tiger Say Yes

g Hu

Bel

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Solution on Page 56

Kiss Me

Now!

Puzzles

No Rules

Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Play

32 - JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017

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Solution on Page 56

ADMIRER ADORATION BEAU BELOVED BOUQUET CALENDAR CARD CARNATION CELEBRATION CHARMED CHERISH CHERUB CHILLY CHIMNEY CHOCOLATE COUGH COURTING CRUSH DARLING DESIRE FLURRIES FOG FREEZING FROSTBITE FROSTY FORZEN FRUITCAKE HEART HEARTTHROB HOLIDAY HONEY HUG INFATUATION MITTENS MOONSTRUCK PASSION POWEM RADIATOR SHIVER WOO

Spot the 15 differences in these pictures Solution on Page 56

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 33

The Addicted Brain and How to Change It by Keerthy Sunder, MD and Jeffrey Bohnen, BSc Have you ever made a decision while the voice in your head protested it was a bad idea? If you answered yes, this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s quite normal for our brains to experience conflicting drives. Moreover, you can take control of this process. You can take action to change your brain. The brain considers a multitude of potential actions when making decisions, but it prefers behaviors that have been linked to reward. Dopamine is the chemical messenger used by the brain to assess reward. Dopamine is released in response to natural rewards such as food and sex, but it can also be artificially stimulated through the use of addictive drugs. Either way, behaviors associated with reward become enforced, forming habits. Crucially, the brain cannot distinguish between “good” and “bad” habits. Researchers believe the semi-permanent nature of addiction is based on neuroplasticity, which refers to the brain’s ability to change itself. However, this arrow points in both directions. Just like your brain can be changed for the worse, it can be changed for the better. So what can I do to help change it for the better? Neurofeedback is an emerging treatment that helps the brain “rewire” itself. It works by using a brain-computer interface to display your brain activity on a computer monitor. This display is visible to your brain during the session, and thus operates as a neural “mirror” by reflecting electrical activity across targeted brain regions. In essence, this procedure allows your brain to observe its own activity. Research has indicated that our brain regulates itself based on self-relevant information. Neurofeedback can augment your brain’s informational network, thereby improving your capacity for self-regulation. This helps your brain recognize and correct maladaptive patterns of activity, including addiction. That sounds cool … but how does it work? Imagine yourself fixing your hair in the morning. Odds are, you pictured yourself in front of a mirror. Now, imagine Dr. Keerthy Sunder, MD is an accomplished Physician with extensive experience as a clinician, researcher, administrator, teacher, lecturer and writer. In Feb 2013, he was invited to join the Editorial Team of the prestigious Journal of Addiction Therapy and Research. He is Board Certified in Psychiatry and Addiction Medicine. Dr. Sunder currently serves as Medical Director for the Mind & Body Treatment and Research Institute and Brisas IOP in Riverside, California and Principal Investigator for CNS Clinical Trials at Clinical Innovations in Riverside, California. You can follow Dr. Sunder at www. asoundmindandbody.com and mbtrins.com or reach him at DrKeerthy@mbtrins.com

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fixing your hair without that mirror. Yes, you are still capable of this task … but it’s more difficult. The additional input provided by the mirror facilitates an easier and more effective approach. Neurofeedback may work in a similar fashion, as it provides your brain with useful information and improves self-regulation. That makes sense, but can you be more specific? Scientists are working on discovering the specific mechanisms. However, one promising explanation is that neurofeedback may work through “astrocytes”. Astrocytes are cells which regulate blood flow, energy storage, and neurotoxicity. Basically, these are your brain’s “shot-callers.” They can choose to nurture neurons or mark them for destruction. Researchers have proposed that neurofeedback helps astrocytes prune the pathways in your brain and improve the connections.

Neuroplasticity is an ongoing process. Remember, your brain is capable of change! Of course, you can support your brain with frequent exercise, sufficient sleep, and a healthy diet. In addition, supplements such as fish oil, vitamin D, turmeric and ashwagandha have been linked to improved brain function. If you’re curious about neurofeedback, schedule a consultation with our practice at www.mindandbodytreatment.com For any additional questions, feel free to contact us at contact@mbtrins.com

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by Roni Askey-Doran

Happiness seems like the most elusive emotion to get a good grasp on. Within a deep depression, it doesn’t even manage a blip on the mood-radar. Yet society, and the media, constantly tell us “happiness” is our ultimate goal. They tell us if we drink sugary sodas and stuff ourselves with caramel-filled chocolate, we’ll be happy. If we lose weight and wear designer jeans and buy over-priced accessories, we’ll be happy. If we spend up big on expensive appliances we’ll be happy. The latest model car, big diamond rings, and extravagent luxuries we can’t afford supposedly contribute to our happiness too. Today there are more unhappy people on Earth than ever in the history of our planet. Everyone seems to believe you need “stuff” to be happy, or “perfection” to be content. Never has such blatant bullshit been so prolific to the extent where people of all ages in all nations have become brainwashed into believing the ridiculous hype is true. And so many fall victim to the bleakness of depression when they feel they can’t possibly achieve all the materialistic goals set to achieve this mysterious “happiness” everyone keeps talking about. Of course they can’t. No one can. It’s impossible! Happiness is not a material possession. Gratitude, I found, is the key to my happiness. Gratitude for a day that doesn’t include feeling blue. Gratitude for a friend’s kindness. Gratitude for those small things we too often take

for granted: fresh water to drink, healthy food to eat, a warm place to sleep, a nice sunny day. Gratitude to Mother Nature for providing me with a sustainable life. A daily dose of gratitude makes an impressive difference to my mental health. I learned I could decide to be happy if I wanted to feel happy. I could decide how I wanted to react—or not—to each life situation. And I could decide who to let into my life, into my inner and outer circles, and began to add people in my life who are positive and optimistic, letting go of those who did not enhance the quality of my life or share in my optimism and happiness. As a result, today I am happy. Yes, I have Bipolar Disorder, which is never going away, with a healthy slug of PTSD thrown in for good measure, and an overly-generous helping of OCD just to make life a little more interesting. But, even with all these obstacles in my path just waiting to trip me up, I have consciously chosen to be happy. And so can you.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 35

Realities of the Addicted Family

by Susan Jackson, LMFT

The Sixth Reality:

The Family Scrimmage If you have been following the realities of the addictive family, you are ready for the sixth reality; The Family Scrimmage. When we hear the word scrimmage, we usually understand it to mean: a team practicing against itself in order to improve the way it plays together against an opposing team. During the addictive family scrimmage the family plays out, the rough and vigorous struggle which can lead to a bloody battle, (the true definition of the word scrimmage). In a scrimmage, one part of the team plays offense and the other plays defense. The addiction is the opposing team. For instance, in the family scrimmage, the addict usually plays the coach, a position of power, and determines what position each member of the family will play that day. The co-dependent (usually the other parent) plays the assistant coach and ensures the team is acting accordingly to all the coaches’ demands. The team captain, usually the oldest child reminds the rest of the team what the consequences will be if the team does not play as expected by the coach. Eventually, as the addiction progresses, the coach (i.e., addict or alcoholic) may employ terrorizing tactics in an effort to force the family team to play against the opposing team, addiction. Sometimes the coach, (the addict) is not feeling well and the assistant coach, the codependent, steps in to present the day’s scrimmage “plays” to be performed, as dictated by the coach. The codependent (assistant coach) may use tears, loud sobs, or even penetrating silence to get the team to play their best so the coach will not punish them. Whether in agreement or not, the assistant coach learned early on to not challenge the coach’s judgment. “If you want to scrimmage with me, then honor my tactics,” the coach constantly reminds the assistant coach and all of the players. Supporting the coach by implementing mapped out “plays” and positions of the day, the assistant coach demands “silence” so as not to disturb the addict or alcoholic, who, according to the codependent assistant coach, deserves to “rest.” The siblings play all the other positions, such as star of the team, water boy or girl, defensive or offensive lineman. Pain is a position. The addictive family scrimmage plays on a field which resembles a battlefield, as the rules are sometimes rigid, and relentless yet have the ability to change several times throughout the scrimmage. The family playing field has end zones that are impossible to find while the goal posts are always out of reach. Each day begins with unconscious preparations for the daily “rough, often vigorous struggle” to begin. The experiences of

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the previous daily scrimmage runs through the minds of each family member, taking them to a high degree of anxiety, anger, and resentment. The coach’s mood has a powerful effect on all members of the family team because the coach dictates how everyone should feel. The coach reminds them who “puts the food on the table” and who “pays the bills”, shaming them in order for them to “play” better. The daily scrimmage poisons the day for all who participated in the scrimmage that morning or the night before. At work or school the family members feel degraded, humiliated, misunderstood, scared, alone, sad, or betrayed as a result of the family’s reality. Sorrow is a position. Eventually, tired of participating in the daily scrimmage, all family players desire to quit the family team. Separation, divorce, and running away are some of the ways to quit the team. As the addiction progresses, the family pathos and abstruse realities increase. Tormented by the reality of addiction with all its abuses, abandonments, and responsibilities the thought of suicide or homicide may be considered as another way to quit the team. This is a sad reality, however there is a more positive reality and that is that families can heal! That is the reality of the family that chooses recovery over addiction.

© Susan Jackson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and Clinical Director for New Creation Healthcare Foundation/His House. Susan has contributed to the field of addiction, as distinguished Clinician, Clinical Supervisor, Director, and Author for over 28 years. She began her career working for the City of Chino, as a Gang Interventionist, Domestic Violence Counselor, and Prevention Specialist. Susan’s dedication and experience working with adolescents with substance use disorders, and their afflicted families, led her to Loma Linda University Behavioral Medicine Center, where she became the Family Therapist on the Chemical Dependency Unit.

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Naranon Family Groups http://www.nar-anon.org/ Alanon Family Groups http://al-anon.org/ CODA for Co-dependents http://coda.org/ NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) http://www.drugabuse.gov/ Drugfree.org http://www.drugfree.org/ Ask The Judge (answers for teens about the law) http://www.askthejudge.info/ TheFix.com https://www.thefix.com/ Addiction Inbox http://addiction-dirkh.blogspot.com/ Pathway to Prevention (teen use and abuse stops here) http://www.pathwaytoprevention.org/ CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) https://www.robertjmeyersphd.com/index.html GRASP (Grief support for those who have lost someone to addiction) http://grasphelp.org/ Camp Mariposa (For children who have addiction in the family) http://www.moyerfoundation.org/campmariposa Recovery Research Institute http://www.recoveryanswers.org/ The McAlister Institute (low cost/no cost treatment services) http://www.mcalisterinc.org/ Resource List from Denise Krochta at Addicts Family Lifeline, Inc.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 37

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Captain of Your Ship

by Victoria B.—Inspired by a Recovering Father Be the captain of your vessel. Know your strength and be buoyant. The sea does not get easier to plot a course, Confidence and knowledge to stay calm in the eye of the hurricane, Is a power that offers faith and hope. A resilience that brings attention back to the atlas. This time around turn it upside down, And find the missing treasure buried deep inside. You have had it all along. Laughing loudly you proclaim, “My, this has been such a silly game!” The mission becomes to share your wisdom with others. Most won’t listen which is fine. Sail your boat with freedom and live in the Divine. Living by example is the only way to show, That life is only as complicated as we let it be. The sea is scary and murky and deep, But our minds are love, clean, and just as unfathomable. Travel to other worlds far and wide, Learn that imagination is a gift from inside. We can go wherever we want, Just conceive the thought and take action. No longer is it possible to live in a whirlwind of emotion, To steer senselessly without a vision or a purpose. Gain control of the master inside and take the world as a wild ride.

The universe conspires to give us life. The universe embodies us, from galaxies we’re born from dust. Continue to follow the map of the stars in our brilliant sky, The sun is no limit, we can go thrice as high. Or stay at sea and teach the others, There are much simpler ways to be. Lost at sea but you can find your way. Make life easy and just play. Train your mind to be creative. Swim, splash, surrender to the grand mystery of the ocean. Stay alert and go on your way, Finding happiness and joy in the currents that lead to other bays. Discover new waters and novel places to venture anew. Always keep growing and become the true Captain of your ship. Thank the water and bless the stars, For helping you to navigate thus far. Always remember from where you came. Respect for the ocean, respect for the sky, respect that you are human, Born to experience a multitude of mistakes. Never look back and always look forward. You are your only true savior. From sinking down deep, you are now wiser and free. Here and now you peacefully can be. Now you have the whole open sea, Go out and live infinitely.

Blue Haiku They say I’m crazy I’m really just a lost soul Wounded by cruel life Roni

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Black Cat

Black cat perched on porch. White house, white porch Black cat. I’m that black cat— My body carefully Balanced On the porch fence, My hind quarters Carefully pushed up Against the support beam. In this way, fear of falling Is alleviated Though we all know I could fall and still land on all four paws, Unhurt and unwavering as my day begins. This is my favorite part of the day—passing time in mindful observation of all that passes within my well-developed line of sight and sense of smell. People, plants, trees, cars passing. And I wonder, too, where my People are. No door has opened For me to come inside today Where my people stroke my fur And where there are soft couches, chairs, and cushions To settle into. Where I can rest And be totally unconcerned about the world Around me. I am protected. So it is for human people When they, too, come inside To seek balance in a life of Off-balance addiction. When they find a way out of denial and into the sunlight of the spirit. When they find protection with others who have balanced on the fence of denial and awareness, only to fall and be broken by denial of the truth of who they really are. So, I say— Come inside the doors With others like you; Curl up on the cozy couch, Find protection for yourself, Your mind, body and spirit Wrap yourself up in the love, the comfort And protection of other humans Who struggle. Just as, on my daily journey I begin on the outside, observing, observing. Then, the door opens And this black cat goes inside My beautiful white house to be stroked and cared for.

by Susan Hennessey

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 39

Twelve-Step Yoga by Mauvis Miller

Pose 1 Vajrasana (Sitting Mountain) Benefits: Opens the heart.

Yoga is gaining popularity in the addiction and recovery field because its positive outcomes help addicts grow spiritually. Yoga means to “yoke” (union) the mind and body. Yoga poses or “Asanas” are body positions that help the mind and body to connect by relaxing and then opening up to release emotional blocks. “Our issues are in our tissues” and our bodies hold on to these old traumas, which stemmed from childhood, into adulthood. There are over 100 poses and sequences which help release old and current traumas. Each pose relates to a particular emotion and trauma. In this article we will be focusing on “Acceptance”, or the first step of the twelve-step program. Acceptance is about coming to terms with what is going on in your life at the moment. Sometimes, we are stubborn or just don’t know why is so hard to accept things the way they are. Performing “acceptance” yoga poses can be very emotional and even cause sensitivity and tears. Yoga can be done at home alone or in a group setting. It’s important to be comfortable and not push yourself into a pose. Listen to your body and let it take you to its potential, and don’t judge yourself. This helps you become more present and fully awake instead of being forceful. Doing these poses will actually help you feel a sense of relief and comfort and then the release will come naturally. Here are a few beginner poses to get started with, remember to not push yourself but rather focus on how far your body can take you (this is not a competition). Hold theses poses for twenty to sixty seconds, then release. Do the following sequence three times over a thirty-minute period and then, after your last set, lay down on your back and enjoy your savasana (corpse pose). You earned it. Just lay there, relax and quiet your mind for as long as you need to.

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Pose 2 Balasana (Child’s Pose) Benefits: Encourages feelings of safety and protection. Pose 3 Paschimottanasana (Seated Forward Bend) Benefits: Fosters a sense of calm and letting go. Pose 4 Savasana (Corpse Pose) Benefits: relaxes after each yoga session relieving the body of tension as it rejuvenates and replenishes the mind and body. Mauvis Miller is a Plant Based Nutritionist/Plant Based Chef, Holistic Health Practitioner and Licensed Massage Therapist trained and experienced in Chinese Cupping and Trigger Point Therapy. You can reach Mauvis at 619-414-3381

It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself into a better way of action. ~Orval Hobart Mowrer Contact Step 12 Magazine at 760-898-8354

Seven Dimensions, One Goal: Recovery By Megan Crants and Andrea Barthwell, MD, DFASAM In my career as an addiction specialist, I have found that treatment is most effective in multidimensional form, when the twelve-step modality is combined with behavioral therapies, motivational enhancement therapy, psychiatric care, and other psychosocial methods. This type of comprehensive support system fully embraces the benefits of the twelve-steps while also recognizing they are most beneficial when used in conjunction with other modalities, particularly a clinically intense model. The twelve-step facilitated (TSF) model is primarily targeted toward “students” of addiction. Twelve-step meetings teach awareness of the disease of addiction and participants aim to develop an understanding of how the disease is expressed in their own lives. By attending meetings and working the steps, individuals can create an awareness of the remedy and find the hope needed to achieve it. The clinically intense model is primarily targeted toward patients, clients, consumers, and guests. Participants aim to acknowledge their disease through the development of insight, a commitment to

3. Professional Guidance. I find that hiring passionate, dedicated staff members makes all the difference when it comes to treating clients. Many of the individuals I hire have overcome their own challenges with addiction and/or mental health, and can use those experiences (as well as their clinical training) to help others. 4. Medication Review. Medication assisted treatment (MAT) is an important part of addiction treatment for many individuals. I continually review past and current medications for each of my clients to ensure that their prescriptions are still necessary and effective. 5. Nutrition. Regular, healthy food intake allows for homeostasis in the brain and assists in healing the damaged neurons and synapses contributing to the disease of addiction. Nutrition needs are individual to each client, though a balanced diet is essential for everyone in recovery. In particular, I encourage a 4oz smoothie upon waking up in order to start the body’s metabolism in a healthy, natural manner.

recovery, and the reduction or elimination of inducements to use. The combination of these two models creates well-rounded, selfsufficient individuals who are able to achieve lifelong recovery. I instruct my clients to focus on seven dimensions during their holistic recovery: 1. Abstinence. This means not having alcohol or drugs in your system, while also eliminating the other factors that cause dysfunction in your life, for example negative thoughts, codependent behaviors, self-defeating communication styles, or other individual issues that might be holding you back from achieving self-actualization. 2. Peer Support. Be it from twelve-step meetings, the community milieu, or both, peer support is a crucial part of the treatment experience. Healthy bonding and staying accountable to others is vital in working through issues keeping you stuck in unhealthy patterns. I urge clients to assist others on their recovery journeys by sharing personal experiences and advice, and encourage family therapy sessions to facilitate effective communication between loved ones.

6. Exercise. Regular exercise provides healthy neurological activity in the brain and has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression. I encourage the use of exercise for achieving mental peace in treatment, as opposed to meeting a certain physical standard. 7. Ritual/Twelve-Step Specific Component. Rituals and daily structure provide clients with the ability to gain self-confidence, as well as self-respect. Clients gain insight through therapy sessions and self-reflective journaling, while also making secondary gains in terms of accountability, self-respect, and responsibility. This multidimensional approach to treatment assures benefits to everyone in some way or another. It encourages active participation in the lifelong recovery process and is designed to inspire selfsacrifice and “moral consciousness” in place of self-absorption. It incorporates taking moral inventory and seeking self-improvement, while benefiting from a communal approach to healing. Hopefully down the line, all treatment facilities will be holistically centered in this manner and focused on outcomes, and not revolving door treatment centers that take people in and spit them back out without caring about their future.

Dr Andrea Barthwell MD is the Founder of Two Dreams Drug and Addiction Treatment. Megan Crants is Adjunct Clinical Staff Member and Head Writer.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 41

From Passive-Aggressive to Assertive by Kristen Fuller, M.D.

Passive-aggressive behavior exemplifies two roaring heads of the opposite spectrum—passiveness and aggression. This type of behavior is common in relationships and in the workplace, as many people struggle with communicating their disagreements in ways that are both confident and polite. Learning to be assertive, which is neither passive nor aggressive, can be a great liberator for individuals who struggle with standing up for themselves. The New Year is a great time to resolve to take assertive action. The trap of passive-aggressiveness Passive-aggressiveness is often ingrained throughout our upbringing and life experiences. If we are taught to avoid conflict, we will most likely develop into passive people. When we face anger, negativity and abuse from someone, we seek to protect ourselves by avoiding conflict, and that can lead to passive-aggressiveness. Avoiding conflict ends up backfiring and hindering our relationships by causing us to miscommunicate. Denying our feelings can lead to these passive-aggressive behaviors: Backhanded compliments. Purposely omitting important facts in conversation that may cause a conflict. Procrastination and chronic tardiness. Sarcasm. Sulking or withdrawing from arguments. The freedom of assertiveness Friendships and healthy relationships thrive on honesty, open communication, boundaries and self-confidence. Individual happiness is the central pillar to a happy relationship and, similar to many personality traits, happiness comes from within. We often have to stand up for our beliefs and values even among those we cherish and love. Disagreements and different perspectives still occur in these relationships, and practicing assertive behavior rather than passiveaggressiveness can bring relationships closer together and mend broken ones. Taking action in a kind, honest and selfless manner can increase and strengthen many relationships. Assertiveness means to stand up for yourself in a nonaggressive way to defend your beliefs, values and human rights. Self-confidence is needed to be assertive, as people who do not feel good about themselves will be less likely to stand up to the bully at work, their aggressive friend, the abusive spouse or the mean neighbor. Assertiveness enables you to verbalize standards and boundaries for yourself in

your relationships with others, which can lead to stronger relationships in the long term. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness The term assertiveness often gets confused with aggression, but there is a major difference. People who portray aggressive behavior rarely have insight or self-awareness. Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author, phrased it this way in his online article Afraid to Rage: The Origins of Passive-Aggressive Behavior for Psychology Today: “Assertiveness, the ideal compromise between the extremes of passivity and aggression, is part of our natural endowment—our ‘universal personality,’ as it were. When we first come into the world, and even before we become verbal and can articulate what’s going on inside us, we possess the rudimentary ability to communicate. Innately, we know how and when to smile, to yawn, to express surprise, anger or trepidation and, indeed, to convey a broad variety of emotional distress through crying—even wailing (as many a parent can woefully testify).” Having the ability to express our opinions and ideas is a pure human right and being fearful of practicing this right not only can harm relationships but also bring self-doubt and self-destruction. A hostile workplace, a mean-hearted coworker, a backstabbing friend or a jealous family member can all be difficult to deal with. Although ignoring them and being complacent may seem like the easiest route, practicing assertiveness will not only allow you to stand up for yourself but it will also demand respect from others. Practicing an active stance by standing up for yourself and your beliefs will often attract the attention of others. The next time you come head-on with an individual who is negative or disrespectful toward you, try to take a more active approach by politely yet confidently speaking your mind and closely observe how the other person responds.

Kristen Fuller, M.D., is a senior staff writer at Sovereign Health, a Joint Commission-accredited behavioral health treatment provider with locations through the United States. To learn more, visit us at SovHealth.com, Facebook and LinkedIn or follow us on Twitter.

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THE HEART OF METH USE

by Angela Goldberg

When it comes to finding reasons for quitting meth there’s one that gets right to the heart of the matter. If you have a history of meth use, it will result in life and death challenges for your cardiovascular system. In simple terms, your heart is a pump. Meth use turns it into a turbo-charged pump creating a condition where the heart just can’t keep up with the artificially increased workload, leading to heart failure. Symptoms of heart failure include shortness of breath, leg swelling, fatigue, and even sudden death. These are just some of the health issues brought on by meth use: 1. It stimulates the heart to contract too hard and too fast for too long 2. It causes jarring heart rhythm disturbances 3. It causes reduced blood flow to the heart due to constriction of the coronary arteries 4. It damages the heart muscle 5. It causes heart attacks 6. It can cause sudden death. How soon does meth use start to damage your heart? Immediately! However, there is some good news. Just as a person can recover from meth addiction, so can their heart. Scripps Mercy Hospital Cardiologist, David Shaw, and his colleagues studied 159 patients admitted at Scripps Mercy between 2009 and 2014, looking at the differences between meth using patients with heart failure and those who had stopped using.

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The symptoms of patients who stopped using meth became more stable and they were much more likely to improve. Those who continued to use were much more likely to get worse over time. Dr. Shaw concluded, “Stopping methamphetamine use can permit the heart to recover, if stopped in time.” Over the course of the study the research showed an increase of meth-associated heart failure from 1.8% to 5.6%. In addition, 2015 figures released by the San Diego County Medical Examiners office show that every twenty-eight hours, someone in San Diego County died with meth in their system. They died for many reasons, but overdose complicated by natural disease was the single biggest cause. Cardiovascular disease was at the top of the list. So, as you consider the impacts of meth use in your life, also consider the heartfelt benefits of recovery! Discuss your cardiovascular health with your doctors to better understand what further action is needed for you to live a heart-healthy life.

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Succeeding with Your New Year’s Resolutions by Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis

“Happy Holidays,” “Happy New Year,” the most wonderful time of the year; or was it? When all of the hustle and bustle is over, many people suffer from problem relationships, marital difficulties, eating disorders, alcoholism, issues with the inlaws, financial problems, and work-a-holism. The belief that the holidays should have been a joyous time of year seems to be a myth. The aftermath of such holidays can cause extreme anxiety and depression in the life of otherwise happy, well adjusted individuals. Many celebrated the holidays alone and are reminded of the loss of a loved one to death or the break up of a relationship. New Year’s resolutions signal a time to change all that for the better. We make promises and resolutions, only to abandon them.

If you check the statistics in emergency rooms, hospitals, doctor’s offices, and therapist’s couches, you will discover you’re not alone if the New Year finds you exhausted, depressed, anxious and fearful to face the challenges of the New Year. The Grinch stole your Christmas and your savings account as well, the holiday blues have set in as you notice that you gained ten extra pounds, and the same New Year’s resolution to lose weight seems impossible to achieve. There is more you can do. Take action! Thoughts create those negative feelings and in order to change your mood, so you need to change your thoughts. Take your thoughts captive to understand why you are feeling depressed, anxious, angry, fearful, or sad. Your thoughts creating negative feelings are usually based on a lie that you believe to be true about yourself or your situation. Taking the time to examine the thoughts you are thinking and changing those lies to truth will change your mood from negative to positive. Make a list of your negative thoughts, and opposite that list write the truth of the situation. You may know that the thought is untrue, yet,

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“Thoughts create those negative feelings and in order to change your mood, you need to change your thoughts.” you still live your life as if it were true. If you work a twelvestep program, you have a higher power that can change your thoughts from negative lies to the truth of the situation. You just have to get off the throne of your life and admit your powerlessness. Create a list of things that you love to do and start checking them off your list one by one until your actions change your mood: A relaxing bubble bath, a trip to the mall to check out that new shop, sign up for a workshop, buy yourself something you’ve been eyeing and don’t really need, send yourself flowers, read a devotional book, get a massage, try out a new recipe, make new friends, see an inspiring movie, enjoy a cup of hot tea or cocoa, invite a friend who is having a hard time to join you, clean out the garage or a closet, volunteer your time to a community organization, your church, or a Twelve-Step group, visit a vacation spot you have dreamed of, learn to paint. The possibilities are endless. The point is to take positive actions to change your mood and your situation. Make an appointment to see your local minister or use this time to seek counseling. You may find that this is the year of the new you, the year that changed your life. Many people inaccurately believe counseling is for people who have extreme psychological problems. Most people start counseling to deal with the immediate problems of anger, depression, and or marital difficulties and find that it does so much more to enhance the quality of their lives. Don’t let pride or thoughts such as: “I should handle this myself,” “I don’t need any help,” or “This is nobody else’s business,” keep you from reaching out for help to someone trained to help you on your journey. Make this the year that you take action to change the circumstances of your life. Create the reality you want by the positive choices you make this year and soon you will be thinking “Happy New Year?” and realize that it really is. The action you take could be the one that turns the life of your dreams into a reality. © Rev. Carrol graduated from Furman University, ordained in 1975. Honored in Who’s Who, Dr. Phyllis E. graduated from the Union Institute. Davis & Davis were awarded the Christian Authors Award for “Stop the Violence Seven Stages to Sanctify.” Participants give the book, “Journey of the Soul Cracked Pots and Broken Vessels,” and workshops five star reviews as they journey to resolve challenges of living life in a fallen world. www.thejourneypathwaystohealing.net

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Taking Action: One Little Did

by Nora Slattery

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So on the first of the month you look at that day’s entry. That is the one simple thing you probably can do versus a formidable list of too many. But here is the kicker; whether or not you were able to accomplish the day’s goal, you move on. On the second of the month, you tackle that day’s action step, on the third, the next step. Instead of carrying over the baggage of what you didn’t do you, you focus on the new challenge. Failures don’t pile up, and you have a fresh start every day. The beauty is that the list repeats. What you couldn’t get to on February 1st maybe you can do March 1st, and what worked on February 2nd you can add to on March 2nd, and so on. Your list is broken up into bite-sized pieces. Just as we say in recovery, “One Step at a time,” this is one resolution at a time. A wonderful little poem written by Shel Silverstein, sums it up. All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas Layin’ in the sun, Talkin’ ‘bout the things They woulda coulda shoulda done... But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas All ran away and hid From one little Did* So here is your only New Year’s Resolution. Make today an opportunity for “One Little Did.” * http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/woulda-coulda-shoulda/ Nora Slattery is a professional business and speechwriter. She is a certified Journal to the Self™ instructor, teaching a workshop created by the Center for Journal Therapy. She is currently working on a memoir in the UCLA Writer’s Program. For workshop information contact: njslattery@gmail.com.

January 1st is the classic day for New Year’s resolutions. We write our list of good intentions, resolving to set out on a better course. This is admirable, if unrealistic, and it all too rarely gets done. Sometimes the fault is magnitude; “I will fix my biggest problem(s).” Or it lacks specificity; “I will be a nicer person.” Or worse it is a generic laundry list: I will lose weight, I will go to the gym more. I will keep my house/room/dorm clean. Those are tasks far too dull to spring you into action. Instead of inspiring, your resolutions turn on you and become silent indictments of character: reminders of failure, testaments to laziness, or lack of commitment. By the end of January interest wanes, by February frustration sets in, and by the end of March, the list is forgotten altogether. At least, until December 31st when you decided to do it all over again. There is another way to go about it using traditional project planning with a simple calendar. Since most months have thirty days, make a list of thirty different areas you want to improve upon in the New Year. Put one entry on each date of the month. (You can repeat.) It could be as simple as going to a new AA meeting, or mundane like getting the car washed. Or could about connecting: calling a relative, or visiting an old friend. It might also be about self-renewal: a spiritual outing, or going for a hike or to the beach. I live very close to the ocean and drive by it all the time, and I often think it would be good just to listen to the waves. Do I do this? No. It seems self-indulgent when there are so many other things to do, even though I know it helps me put life in perspective. That’s an intention, too.

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by mark masserant

Dig the well before you are thirsty. Chinese Proverb Back in my darker ages, I was rarely motivated. It wasn’t a stretch to think I was under-exerting myself. Relaxing, listening to music and watching TV were my favorite pasttimes. Unfortunately, they weren’t ambulatory, and my wife got them confused with being lazy; she was very narrowminded when I was in my dormant period. She thought I looked like a crash test dummy for a La-Z-Boy commercial when I was pasted to the furniture, wasted. Me? I’d just wonder: Why is it so hard to walk late at night when I’ve been practicing all day? But what was wrong with me? Mixed with a persistent thinking problem, alcohol blocked any new course of action; fear of failing always prevailed. I frittered away while my dreams were cast aside. My Murphy’s Law Spirituality kept me chained to a dreary existence that wasn’t much to hang my hat on, but it beat the threat of more failure. So I didn’t do anything. Besides sounding better than lazy, drunk and afraid, it was the perfect storm for alcoholism to fester. My life was a big, neurotic zero that smelled like booze. If nothing changes, nothing changes. And addiction thrives. The wise person does at once what the fool does finally. Baltasar Gracian I finally sobered up in ’87 and everything shook loose. My rock’n’roll lifestyle was abandoned, and friends were left behind. My wife split; I know the grass was greener. I began attending Twelve-Step meetings regularly for my own survival. Before long, it was suggested I participate in my recovery. I decided to join a home group, something I heard mentioned at meetings.

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My coffee-making career was put on ice, however. It was hard to admit to the peanut gallery I didn’t know how to make it— wasn’t that entry-level AA stuff I somehow missed? I could bounce a quarter into a glass of beer, tap a keg, and roll a joint one-handed while driving, no problem there. Basically, my drawback was I just didn’t go to parties where we fired-up hundred-cup coffeepots and started slurping. The longer I waited, the worse it got. Before I knew it, a year passed and I still hadn’t made the stuff. I flew under the radar so long, I thought I was flunking AA. Finally, my sponsor got me moving. He believed that when the student is ready, the coffeepot will appear. He didn’t care if I thought something would work, or if I understood why it did. He knew I’d stay stuck in my ‘aha position.’ To him, action was not a magic word; if there was any magic involved, it would have to be performed, not spoken. He got me unstuck. Naturally, my first shot at amateur coffee-making had oldtimers wincing and blinking. Whispered gasps from the grapevine hinted it was a little too strong. Later, I gently got the guidance I hadn’t prayed for. After a minor correction, I opened the meeting again and noticed profound changes in how I felt. Unexpected chats with people who arrived early disarmed me; I didn’t have to impress them. They were likeable and really wanted to help. I stayed after the meetings, and friends were made. They helped me to want to believe in this new life. Instead of feeling apart from, now I was part of something. I was plugged-in. When I chaired the meeting, I felt useful instead of the ‘useless’ I used to feel. The actions I took, despite the risks, gave me results I hadn’t expected. There was something new to believe in; my track record, littered with failure, no longer dictated my future. See ya, Murphy’s Law. New methods were discovered when, at another group’s anniversary, I took out the garbage and helped clean up after the event. I was almost as thrilled as they were. They persuaded me to join their group. My world was getting bigger. Before long, I was giving newcomers rides to meetings, and sponsorship soon followed. I was all in. My life was heading in a new, better direction. Because of service-work and a sponsor’s nudge, a fear disguised as a simple coffee assignment was removed. Well, enlighten me. Action should culminate in wisdom. The Bhagavad-Gita

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Alcohol Addiction Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org Secular Sobriety: www.sossobriety.org Women for Sobriety: www.womenforsobriety.org SMART Recovery: www.smartrecovery.org Drug Addiction/Substance Abuse: Narcotics Anonymous: www.na.org NIDA: www.drugabuse.gov Recovery Program Search Engine: www.recovery.org Sex Addiction Sex Addicts Anonymous: saa-recovery.org Sex Addict Help: sexaddicthelp.com/Links/index.htm Healthy Mind: www.healthymind.com/s-index.html Food Addiction Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org ACORN: www.foodaddiction.com Food Addicts: www.foodaddicts.org RFA: www.recoveryfromfoodaddiction.org Gambling Addiction: Gambling Anonymous: www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga Problem Gambling: www.problemgambling.com CCPG: www.calpg.org Other Addictions: Internet Addiction www.addictionrecov.org/ Addictions/index.aspx?AID=43 ReStart: www.netaddictionrecovery Support Groups for Family and Friends Al-anon: www.al-anon.org Al-ateen: www.al-anon.alateen.org/for-alateen Adult Children of Addicts: www.adultchildren.org Gam-Anon: www.gam-anon.org Codependency: Forums: http://www.onlinecoda.net/forums.html https://sites.google.com/site/codacall Mental Health Links SAMHSA: www.samhsa.gov

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The Gathering Of The Clan by Denise Krochta

Yes, we can look forward to family gatherings with a smile. Are you one of those people who looks at the calendar, sees there are holidays or family events nearing and then begins to panic? Do your insides begin to churn and your head begins a slow boil? For many years, that was my reaction to family gatherings.

“Despite all, we love them dearly.” Having addicts or extremely difficult people in our lives can be quite trying during holidays and family times. We begin to think about all the things that have gone wrong in the past and imagine what can go wrong in the future. Do we want to live with this uncertainty? This takes away the fun, pleasure, and anticipation of being with our families and enjoying the surrounding love and good will. No one wants to feel this way, but sometimes it is impossible not to. We can be proactive, take action, and take some of the uncertainty out of the picture by using some simple tools and strategies. There are many tools and strategies we can use, and I will share a few of them here with you. The first way to prepare is to fully understand that we are not, or at lease should not be, in this alone. Having a brainstorming session with at least one or two other family members takes away some of the anxiety. Even if you are not on the same page, it’s not your secret anymore. I remember worrying about how to keep my son’s addiction secret in front of the extended family and how to keep him from displaying his terrible addict-behavior when everyone was around. Of course, I could not control any of that, so with a few others we could think about what would be acceptable, make a plan, and agree on what we would do (in solidarity) if the unacceptable happened. For instance, we could politely ask “Aunt Janie” to leave if her alcoholic outbursts begin making everyone uncomfortable. If we agreed this is what we would do ahead of time then, when/if it happens, we already know who will do the asking, who will take the time to drive her home,

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who will keep the party going, etc. We already have a plan. Those of us who have been there, and there are many of us who have been, know that taking the element of surprise out and having a plan and sticking to it can relieve much of the stress of family gatherings. Let’s say we don’t have the energy or desire to orchestrate the above or believe we are capable of implementing the plan. Here is another possibility. If we have, for example, someone who would normally be invited but characteristically ruins every gathering due to impossible behavior. Despite all, we love them dearly. How about having a separate gathering at another time that will just focus on them? This is something difficult to do, I know, but it will show our love for them as well as take into consideration our love and respect for our other family members and even ourselves. Taking the entire possibility of drama out of the equation can be quite calming, even if we have a little residual guilt. How about asking everyone to leave their coats and purses in a room that can be locked during the entertaining so we don’t have to constantly be worried about watching our addicts— who have been known to steal for their habit. I know we don’t want to even think this is a possibility, but let’s be realistic and plan for that. I hope you can see how planning ahead can help with promoting more calm and enjoyable holidays and family gatherings throughout the year. We are all unique. Think about small actions you can take tailored to your own family situations and enjoy all of your family members with a smile.

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Practice, Practice, All Is Coming

by Kyczy Hawk

I want my life to be different but I haven’t the willpower, the energy, or the follow through to change. And yet, I am surprised when my life stays the same, my challenges remain, and my discomfort with what IS does not abate. That was my frustration when I first decided to get clean and sober, and vexed me later on when I was ready to make other alterations in my life: healthy eating, work/family life balance, exercise. I had to DO different to BE different. I couldn’t just fantasize and imagine a better life; I had to work to earn a better one. “Practice, practice, all is coming.” Great words by a yoga master Krishna Pattahbi Jois elucidate this month’s theme of ACTION! We hear it said in the rooms that “faith without works is dead” meaning that just having an idea is dead in the water, thoughts for change without implementing them have no discernible results. In fact, it is part of the promises of AA: that they will come to pass “if we work for them.” Pretty darn clear—I can’t just think about how I want things to be, I have to do it. When I first started mat-based yoga practice I could not tip forward and put my hands on the ground when sitting crosslegged. I could barely reach beyond my knees in a forward fold—my back (incorrectly) rounded in my effort. My wrists ached when my hands were on the floor for “downward facing dog” and my arms would cry out to me when they were parallel to the floor for an extended length of time in standing poses. I really wondered how yoga would be beneficial with all these aches and pains. Practice led me to greater endurance, more strength and increased flexibility. While I will most likely not be the most twisty, arm balancing, extreme yogi in the room, I

“Practice, while it does not make perfect, makes awesome.” have practiced enough to find comfort in most of my poses. Practice, while it does not make perfect, makes awesome. Using the tools, the steps and the principles of recovery has not always come easily. It has not been an effortless transition from a life of self-centered self-will to a life of measured attention to self and self-care. It didn’t occur to me; it didn’t happen because I wished it, it came about because I worked for it. I had to do the steps, I had to work closely with my sponsor(s) and I have been to a ton of meetings. I got out of my comfort zone and into the zone of growth, not with a wish but with action. I worked the steps; I still do. I didn’t just read them and think about them and ponder them and discuss them. I did all that, too, but I also wrote, I meditated, I did things that were new and uncomfortable and I resisted doing things that I had done before. I avoided repeating patterns and mistakes. I began my living amends by changing my actions and behavior, my attitude and my outlook. Eventually my brain began to change and what had been decisive effort became an effortless response. Practice not perfection, but every improvement was an opportunity to rejoice I have a good life. For this time, in this era, the family is well and we enjoy one another. Authentically. This was not always the case. In general we have been polite, and family scenes were not our scene; but anxiety and the desire to please had often squeezed the pleasure out of many family get-togethers. We have practiced being in one another’s company. We have found ways to reduce the “musts” and “shoulds” to a bare minimum. We have practiced being in the present with one another neither ruminating about the past nor pressing one another about the future. This has allowed us to have fun in the now. What a gift. All of this has taken right action. The living life on life’s terms, the evolution of my recovery and the practice of my yoga have all evolved not through thinking, but with doing. Give yourself a treat and take positive action in your life and you will see the positive results “before you are halfway through”. Kyczy Hawk is in long term recovery and is enthusiastic about her life in sobriety. She is the “secretary” of the “Yoga Recovery” meetings, Sundays 7am PST on In The Rooms ( http://www.intherooms.com/livemeetings/view?meeting_id=144&check=1 ). She is a yoga teacher and author of Yoga and The Twelve Step Path and Life in Bite Sized Morsels. For more yoga tools, visit her website at: http://yogarecovery.com/additional She is aided and amused by her family who keep her busy and humble.

50 - JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017

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“My favorite recovery action is...” “Service. I’m currently knitting scarves for the homeless in New York.” Kathryn O, NYC

“Prayer.” ~ Amanda P. rocess of “I love the p nds. It’s making ame forces me to hard, but it ith myself be honest w I really need and others. and the self that clarity, ays brings.” cleanse it alw , SF ~ Clarice B “Self-car e ~ Joanna .” , LA “Hello! I love to go shopping with friends when life gets too tough.” ~ Hello Kitty

“Singing. It ’s th that keeps m e one thing e hardest day sane on the s of sobriety .” ~ Ashley K, Ohio

“Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. I love meetings! The connection, the support, the love. It’s amazing.” ~ Michael S. “Forgivin finally m g myself ade me fr ee. ~ Jason R, LA

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ry “Chatting with my sponsor eve day. She totally rocks.” ~ Rhonda E, Maine nd ewcomers a N t s lo g n ri ards “Sponso avigate tow n m e th g in help to recovery.” th a p e u tr their own an Diego ~ Marco F, S

,” “Going to meetings les ge Jane W, Los An “Reflection, thought, then action.” ~ Sean P, LA

“‘We’ gotta have ‘fun in recovery’. It’s a ‘we’ program.” ~ Stacy S.

“My favorite has be en Tuesday nights. The meeting after th e meeting.“ ~ Sandra M mple ery si Do v s i “Mine 0% true. ‘ 0 Bad and 1 slead. seful i m e not b ns spoil u :33. iatio assoc .’ -1 Cor 15 ee s -fr habit drama use s i e f i b My l nce-a llow ubsta and s ong as I fo sl re.” free a criptu s s i h Mesa t Costa , B i n Pen

even She’s never . m o M y m mes, “I visit hard someti ’s it so , ry e of why I tried recov reminds me s y a lw a it t ram.” bu ith the prog w y a st to d od nee orth Hollywo N , H h ra o b ~ De

“Keeping up on my God first thing in the mor ning, and my morning m eeting. Step work, and stay around other addict s.” ~ Elizabeth H. “Dancing.” ~ Roni, Ecuador

“Meditation.” ~ Hamish, MN

kids I’ll be “Telling my ner every in home for d nd then a , g in morn h g there wit in e b y ll d actua o o we eat g them while r lk about ou ta food and .” y il m day as a fa Francisco n a S J, in v ~ Ke

“Surrender.” ~ Joe M, LA

“To stop and pa y attention.” ~ Cooky, Texa s

“FOOOOOOOOOD! EAT FOOD! NOM NOM NOM FOOOOOOOOD!” Taz, Tasmania

“Doing the steps every year.” ~ Sue K, FL

“To spread the message of hope far and w id ~ Karen V., Oce e.” anside

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ang h W e n Suzan

What a WHANGderful World! Biting Off More Than I Could Chew

For much of my adult life, I charged full steam ahead, like the Energizer Bunny, saying yes to everything, over-achieving, over-committing, running on fumes, and biting off much more than I could chew. One day, my wise spiritual friend Jodi said, “Suzanne, we’re called human BE-ings, not human DO-ings.” I wanted to punch her in the face. She was suggesting I spend more time relaxing, and simply enjoying the present moment. I realized I was living my life as if when I died, some angel was going to look over my file and say, “Wow. You did MORE things than any other human being in history! Congratulations, you get an A+ in life!” How ridiculous. I didn’t spend enough time sleeping, stretching, following my soul, meditating, or asking for help. I needed to say no when I meant no. I had to learn to stop trying to be a superhero, and to be all things to all people. I was so stubborn about this lesson, that it took stagefour cancer for me to be slammed to the ground, unable to move without help. Then I finally surrendered, and spent months in bed—sleeping, eating healthy food, reading about different treatments, asking for and receiving help, and meditating. I finally prioritized my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. It’s very common, when learning a major life lesson, to swing the pendulum all the way from one extreme to the other. I had become someone who was very good at slowing down, staying still, and feeling grateful. However, I still needed to take action in order to reclaim my health. In the study of the Law of Attraction, I discovered the power of thought to manifest the things we want. I know that one of the reasons I reversed stagefour cancer and reclaimed my health was my positive attitude. But optimism alone doesn’t work—I had to take action. I researched and tried many different treatment modalities, and I drastically changed aspects of my lifestyle. Since recovering from cancer, the quality of my actions has permanently and profoundly changed. Everything I do is more mindful, conscious, and present. For example, the simple act

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of eating food has changed for me. I have learned so much about nutrition and its importance in reversing cancer and maintaining my health. I now know that we really ARE what we eat. I do my best to eat organic locally grown food, to eat smaller meals more frequently, and to avoid white sugar, white flour, dairy, soy, chemicals (antibiotics, steroids, pesticides, growth hormones), and processed foods. I recommend the documentary Food Inc. and the book Skinny Bitch for fascinating information about nutrition. But it’s not just this knowledge that matters—it’s the way that I eat. For example, I bless my food before I eat it, but not in a rote monotone way. I close my eyes, rub my hands together, and place them over my food. Then I say, “I choose to transmute the energy of this food into all positive healthy energy for me. I consciously raise the vibrational frequency of this food to the highest possible, and I infuse it with life force energy. I thank every piece of nature and every human hand that contributed to this food being here in front of me. Everything my body needs goes easily in, and everything my body doesn’t need goes easily out. And to everyone who doesn’t have any food to eat today, I surround them with love and send them the faith that miracles happen every day.” Saying this blessing before I eat has sanctified my relationship with food, and my relationship with my body. I am treating it with respect, like a temple, instead of littering it like a garbage dump. I also eat more slowly now. I enjoy eating with chopsticks, which helps me take smaller bites. I truly enjoy and taste my food. I don’t eat while standing up, or while driving, or when I’m in a rush, or unconsciously while I watch TV. I chew each bite of food until it’s the consistency of applesauce, so that it can actually be digested. The action of eating has become a transformative spiritual experience. Taking action is important in life, but it’s the quality of the action and the thought that precedes the action that’s most important. I love washing dishes, because there’s something about the feeling of warm water and the soap suds that I find to be delightfully meditative and Zen. Also, the dishes go from dirty to clean in a short period of time, so there’s a concrete sense of accomplishment that feels good to me. Any action, no matter how mundane, can become a delicious opportunity to practice mindfulness. So … bon appetit! © Suzanne Whang is best known as the host of HGTV’s #1 show, House Hunters, for almost a decade. She also co-hosted Bloopers with Dick Clark on NBC, and FOX After Breakfast with Tom Bergeron. Suzanne played Polly on NBC’s Las Vegas for four seasons, and she’s a double award-winning stand-up comedian. She’s a published author, keynote speaker, teacher, coach, political activist, and metaphysical minister. Suzanne has a B.A. in Psychology from Yale University, and a Masters in Cognitive Psychology from Brown University. She’s currently starring in the sitcom From Here On Out (Here TV), recurring on the new DirecTV series Kingdom, and stars in the hilarious film, A Weekend With The Family. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @suzannewhang.

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Needing a brief escape from her hectic city office, Mandy fled to the mall, bought a candy bar, and then relaxed on a bench beside a businessman. After a minute or so, she heard the sound of a crumpling wrapper and turned to look at him. With horror, she quickly realized he was eating her candy bar. A minute later, when he went to work on a triple chocolate fudge ice cream cone, Mandy leaned over and took a huge lick from one side of the dripping cone. “There!” she declared, justifiably angry. Disgusted and disappointed, she stormed off to her car to go back to the office. As reached into her purse for her car keys, Mandy accidentally pulled out the still unwrapped candy bar she had bought in the mall. When a neighbor’s home was robbed over the weekend, Kerry decided it was time to be more safety conscious. On inspection, she realized her flimsy door locks weren’t going to stop anyone. Not financially able to upgrade the locks, she hung a large sign on the front door:

I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?” “No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.” Wife: “Honey, did you see I bought a new toilet brush?” Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer to use paper.” Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs. Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle? A: Ten-tickles. Q: Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? A: It got stuck in a crack. Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game? A: All of the fans left. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An in-vest-igator Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow? A: Reali-tea Q: What does a nosey chili pepper do? A: It gets jalapeño business

Billy, please don’t come inside until the handler gets here. The snake is loose again. Mom xxx Just after retiring from a long career in vehicle insurance, Jane and Fred Jones from Chicago decided to take a long vacation in the United Kingdom. They wanted to visit distant relatives they’d always heard about but never met before. One afternoon, they’re driving through Wales, on their way to a family reunion. Around lunchtime, they decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Baffled by the name of the place, Fred turns to a local man who is eating at the next table and asks, “Could you please say where we are—very slowly?” The Welshman puts down his hamburger, leans over and says, very slowly, “Burrr-gerrr Kinngg.” Adam went to Henry’s to do his homework and forgot his laptop on the floor. Henry’s grandma thought it was a scale. Conclusion: Henry’s grandma weighs $950.

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Puzzle Solutions from Pages 32 & 33

Carrying A Message of Hope

Thank You!

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m “H

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Some areas in Scotland and Japan switched to blue street lights at night and saw a decrease in crime and suicide rates.

IA IV d things tha

Y TR ESR V A O M E S GE S

ake you g

In October 2014, Ottawa shooter Michael Zehaf-Bibeau attempted to rob a McDonald’s with pointed stick. He confessed that he wanted to be in jail because he believed it was the only way to overcome his crack cocaine addiction.

Leonardo DiCaprio has never done drugs, and had to be taught how to play being high by drug experts.

In 1978, Aerosmith put up the money to bail out every fan that was arrested during a concert pot bust.

It was not just art Picasso experimented with. The painter was also known to use psychotropic drugs. Many believe Cubism was the direct result of Picasso’s use of opium, morphine, and hashish, although this is still up for debate.

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In 1983, two Canadian psychiatric patients taking the anti-depressant ‘clomipramine’ reported the side effect that every time they yawned they experienced an orgasm.

It is believed magic mushrooms may give users trippy experiences by creating a hyperconnected brain. The active ingredient in the psychedelic drug, psilocybin, seems to completely disrupt the normal communication networks in the brain, by connecting “brain regions that don’t normally talk together.” Ayahuasca is an entheogenic brew made from Banisteriopsis caapi vine and the Psychotria viridis leaf. The brew is traditionally used as a spiritual medicine in ceremonies among the Indigenous peoples of Amazonia. Highly halucenogenic, it is believed to heal PSTD, depression and cancer. Ayahuasca is currently being researched by scientists as a possible cure for all types of addiction.

The psychedelic drug (or entheogen) lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) was first synthesized on 16 November, 1938 by Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann in the Sandoz (now Novartis) laboratories in Basel, Switzerland. It was not until five years later on 16 April, 1943 that its psychedelic properties were discovered.

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2017 - 57

Jan / Feb

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

Cancer Jun 21 –Jul 22

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

Virgo Aug 23 – Sept 22

2017

JAN- Relationships, sharing time with others and learning are favored, but positive benefits are pronounced from 1-12. There is incredible cooperation between your relationship and spirit sectors; a good time for collaboration. It can also be a good period for PR, publishing, legal matters, learning, and sharing ideas. Be generous with your optimism, time, and energy to maximize the benefits of this energy. FEB- Your passions have been stirring like a caged animal for a while now, Aries. Now is the time to let them out. Some of what you express may elicit surprise or disapproval, but that’s no reason to stay silent. If you don’t express yourself, illness may result. Your goal should be to be true to your inner self. Ultimately, that’s the only way to be happy and healthy. JAN- A big relationship month. Even if your relationship situation remains the same on the surface, it’s time for revelations and contemplations about your needs and wants, intimacy, and whether you’re growing and evolving with significant others in your life. The New Moon in December launched a cycle that serves to motivate you to improve relationships or to seek a lasting bond with someone. FEB- What an odd month, Taurus! You feel like you’ve been given a one-way ticket to a faraway place. Departure is imminent, leaving you no time to pack or say goodbye. There isn’t a moment to waste. You’re intrigued by the adventure, yet afraid to go. All signs indicate that it will be beneficial if you get on that (possibly metaphoric) plane. Send your loved ones a postcard once you get to your destination. JAN- There is a strong force in your partnership sector, and relationships are in high focus. Until the 12th, you have divine energy within you to enjoy, enhance, or begin a relationship. Venus and Jupiter are cooperating and supporting your creative pursuits, negotiations, relationships, romance, and all forms of partnerships. Your mind is on work and practical matters, getting fit, and taking care of important details. FEB- Wild ideas sprout in your head like mushrooms. You may imagine leaving immediately for a trip around the world, drawing up plans for an invention, or visualizing an entirely new opening in the online world. Don’t dismiss these ideas as unrealistic. Your creative power will gush into the New Year, ripe and ready for you to take full advantage. Don’t let your ideas and dreams float away on the current. JAN- This is a fantastic month for research and analysis. You are thorough and pay particular attention to detail. Although there can be some reserve right now, it’s all about what the actions are saying and not so much about the words. There can be a desire to work independently and at your own pace, but this can also be a good time for partnering to accomplish something worthwhile or to overcome obstacles. FEB- You could feel overwhelmed around the 5th. Remember, the weight of the world is not on your shoulders. On the full moon, duck out for some private time. You’ve probably been working overtime on holidays, home, and other people’s pleasures. Rest, recover, and relax. An intense new love may distract you from your cares. Or there could be a familiar someone with a stronger, new affection for you. JAN- Hitch yourself to the nearest star and hold on for a wild ride. Things should be going well, so don’t miss the opportunities that await you. There’s a sparkle in your eye that’s unmistakable, and you will find issues regarding love and romance are especially potent. Love is on your side. You should take this opportunity to delve deeply into a love affair. Take a trip with the people you enjoy most. FEB- It could be hard to complete simple daily tasks this month. A disagreement with other household members might give you the idea that everyone is against you. This isn’t so, Leo. Try to be objective and consider other points of view, and don’t turn this into a power struggle. Stay calm, take a deep breath, and try to communicate with the others. The results could prove pleasantly surprising! JAN- You may experience a transformation in your thinking. It’s bound to affect every aspect of your life, Virgo. By always questioning, you work through difficult issues that require a constant reshuffling of viewpoints. Feel free to open yourself up to new ways of thinking as you dismiss old ways that no longer serve you. Now is a terrific time to consider a fresh wave of thought. You’ll be exposed to a new way of truth. FEB- There’s no use pretending you’re not trying to push the blues away. The only way past these emotions is through them, which means talking them out with a friend or therapist. Not ready to verbalize anything? Watch a tear-jerker and have a good cry and wail as you punch a pillow. Towards the end of the month you’ll be ready to hit the road without a map! A day-trip can hit the refresh button on your mood.

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Libra Sept 23 – Oct 22

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Horoscopes JAN- Your practicality and good sense prove invaluable this month, Libra. Those close to you might be restless and upset, and you might have to steer them in the right direction. A close friend or lover may experience a financial upset, and you could be asked to help out. This isn’t a good month to make a loan, although it’s favorable for helping others find their own solutions. FEB- Outside factors are encroaching on your work, and keeping everything in its separate compartment may prove difficult. Rather than go nuts trying to sustain your professional act, make a sensible plan to deal with these conflicts. Perhaps taking a long lunch will allow you to handle some of this, or maybe a couple of breaks during the day for a brisk walk around the block and some deep breathing. JAN- A problem—plumbing, electricity, phones—might necessitate calling in professionals. This might prove irritating, with strangers going in and out all day, and you might be temporarily housebound when you have obligations elsewhere. It’s difficult to make decisions right now. Whatever you’re considering, make sure you know the facts first. Don’t take your frustrations out on others. This too shall pass. FEB- You’re bringing even more of your patented intensity to every arena of your life at the moment, particularly in the realm of romance. Whatever you have going on now—a long-term romance, a fresh and hot new affair, even a couple of potential candidates—you can expect things to suddenly heat up to a boil. Get out the oven mitts—you’ll be eager to pull the lid off ‘cos it’s likely to be burning hot. JAN- An upsetting letter or phone call might come early in the month. This isn’t major bad news. It’s more likely to be the irritating little setbacks that force you to go more out of your way than you’d expected. Problems might pop up with computers, cell phones, or other forms of technology. Grit your teeth and do what it takes to move on. It won’t help to get crazy. And remember that you’ve overcome a lot already. FEB- Your straightforward side may be sidetracked now while your mind—or your heart—indulges in some fantastical stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with fantasy, mind you; in fact, it expands your thoughts and feelings, and can even leak some sweet stuff over into regular reality. It’s when you get carried away that things can get a bit problematic. Ask a grounded friend for a reality check. JAN- You’re extremely eager to help, and your empathetic nature can lead to an interesting and fertile connection. Sign up to volunteer, and the next thing you know, a fellow volunteer happens to know someone who can help you with a special project, and so on. It’s about keeping the cycle of good karma going, without regard for the benefits that you might accidentally accrue. Or is it an accident after all? FEB- A sudden, irritating interruption in your routine could come your way this month, Capricorn. A friend may need some advice, and you could feel obliged to give it, which would put your own projects on hold for a while. Don’t be too irritated with this person, however. You might regret it later. You might also have some troubles with computers, cell phones, or other forms of technology. JAN- Some detours threaten to sidetrack you on your life’s path, and they certainly may look fascinating. However, if you can bring yourself to buckle down to the existing tasks at hand—important work projects, ironing out wrinkles in existing relationships, dispatching some familial responsibilities—you can accomplish a great deal right now. And afterward, one of those alluring detours will still be available. FEB- This is your month to shine in every way, Aquarius. There’s a concentration of energy in your favor, so act boldly and without hesitation. Your emotions are leading the way, and your heart is barely a half a step behind. Follow these forces and be like the Pied Piper. Let this be the start of a wild ride on a whole new roller coaster of adventures. The time is right for you to lead. JAN- You’re lit up from within, and that glow is bound to attract all sorts of wonderful things and delicious people. You’ve got the energy—and desire—to give it a whirl. In all the hubbub, make sure your compassionate side is engaged. While you’re just testing the waters, someone else may be in deep. Don’t let it go too far without letting them know where you’re coming from—and that you don’t know where this is going. FEB- A journey by air to a distant place might be on your mind, though you might not make it for a long time. Knowledge is important to you, and you can be insatiably curious. This is likely to be one of those months, Pisces. A friend or lover could bring some new information that sparks your curiosity, perhaps something related to astrology or the occult. You will want to pursue it.

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