How Does It Feel At Home?

Page 1

How does it

FEEL Home? at

(620) 342-1870 or (800) 825-1295

24-Hour Helpline:

OUR MISSION SOS’s mission is to empower and advocate for those affected by sexual and domestic violence, child abuse and neglect. We believe that any kind of abuse is unacceptable and that everyone deserves to feel safe wherever they are. OUR VISION We envision a community in which every man, woman and child lives without fear of interpersonal violence. SOS Crisis Services Crisis Services assists people who have experienced sexual or domestic violence.

How does it Feel at Home A handbook for victims of domestic violence TABLE OF CONTENTS What Is SOS? What Is Domestic Violence? Domestic Violence Myths & Facts The Cycle Of Violence The Power And Control Wheel The Equality Wheel When Words Become Weapons Who Are The Victims? Who Are The Abusers? Safety Measures While In An Abusive Relationship Safety Measures After Leaving An Abusive Relationship A Personal Safety Plan Protective Orders

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While each crisis situation is different, SOS offers safety, guidance and support by:

Responding to a variety of immediate needs a person may have following a crisis Supporting survivors and loved ones who are dealing with domestic violence, sexual assault, child abuse or neglect Continuing assistance for survivors and their loved ones as they heal and begin to rebuild their lives Providing bilingual advocate services Arranging temporary emergency shelter for victims and their children Counseling for victims and their children Offering legal resources and accompaniment to court Furnishing referrals to legal, medical, financial, counseling, housing and employment services

Some people believe they have the right to control the person they love with emotional abuse, threats, intimidation and physical and sexual force. If someone is hurting you, it is not your fault and you are not alone.



They can help you understand your rights.

Advocates can help you identify choices and look at the risks and benefits of those choices Advocates will not pressure you to do something you are not ready to do Advocates will keep what you tell them confidential Advocates inform and support you Only you can decide what is best for you

If you are experiencing domestic violence, now is the time to protect yourself and those who count on you for safety.

You don’t deserve to be abused.

SOS can help.





Sulking Always insisting on being right Making the person feel guilty Manipulating children and other family members Making impossible “rules” and punishing the person for breaking them

Physical Abuse Hitting Slapping Kicking Choking Pushing Punching Beating

Verbal Abuse

Constant criticism Mocking Making humiliating remarks Yelling Swearing Name-calling Interrupting


Making it hard for the person to see friends and relatives Monitoring phone/mail Directing person’s whereabouts Taking the person’s car keys Destroying the person’s passport

Sexual Abuse

Forcing partner to have sex Demanding sex when the person does not want to Degrading treatment


Following or stalking Embarrassing the person in public Constantly checking up on the person Refusing to leave when asked Using technology to monitor Accusing person of being unfaithful

Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive behavior characterized by the domination and control of one person over another, usually an intimate partner, through physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and economic abuse. Economic Control

Not paying bills Refusing access to money Not letting the person work Interfering with the person’s job or job duties Prohibiting the person from going to school Not allowing the person to learn a job skill Refusing to work and support the family Destruction of Property Destroying furniture Punching walls Throwing or breaking things Abusing pets Threats & Intimidation Threatening to harm the victim, children, family members and pets Using physical size to intimidate Shouting Keeping weapons & threatening to use them

Emotional Withholding Not expressing feelings Not giving compliments Not paying attention Not respecting the person’s feelings, rights, and opinions Not taking the person’s concerns seriously Abusing Trust Lying Breaking promises Withholding important information Being unfaithful Being overly jealous Not sharing domestic responsibilities Self-Destructive Behaviors Abusing drugs or alcohol Threatening self-harm/ suicide Driving recklessly Deliberately doing things that will cause trouble





Domestic violence does not affect many people. It is believed that domestic violence is the most common, but least reported, crime in the United States.


Domestic violence is only physical abuse.

Physical violence is only part of a larger pattern of abuse which also includes psychological, emotional, sexual and/ or economic abuse, where the abuser uses the abuse to exert power and control over an intimate partner.

3 4


Domestic violence only happens in poor families.

Domestic violence occurs throughout all levels of society and in every racial, ethnic and religious group. There is no evidence to suggest any income level, occupation, social class or culture is immune from domestic violence. Wealthy, educated professionals can be as prone to violence as anyone else.

The victim can walk away from the relationship.

Victims do not always have a place to go where they will be safe from their abuser, they worry about money and/or their children. They may not have a support network or a workable escape plan. Leaving is the most dangerous point of the relationship, as the abuser has lost their control.

Drinking or drug abuse cause domestic violence.

Abusers use alcohol and drugs as an excuse for violent behavior. There is correlation between substance abuse and domestic violence, but one does not cause the other. However, substance abuse does lower inhibitions and may increase the frequency and severity of the abuse.




1 in 4 Women in the US report experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or dating partner at some point in their life.

(CDC, 2008)

1 in 10 Men

in the US report experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or dating partner at some point in their life.

(CDC, 2008)

48% of All Men & Women have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.

(NISVS, 2010)

15.5 Million

US children live in families in which intimate partner violence occurred at least once in the past year. (Journal of Family Psychology, 2006)

3+ Women per day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

Often it’s after they leave their abuser. (Department of Justice, 2007)

Breaking the

Cycle of Violence us Batt Serio er i

Ho ne y

Cycle of Violence

Phase oon m

ase h P ng

uilding P nB h as sio en



Honeymoon Phase

This is where the relationship begins. Violent relationships may begin very romantically. They are quick, intense and seductive. The victim frequently looks back at this happy, loving time, hoping the abuse will end and the relationship will be like it was at the beginning. After violence occurs, there is a period of apologies, gifts and promises the abuse will never occur again and that the abuser will change. Both abuser and victim minimize and rationalize the behavior and the seriousness of the injuries. This can also be a time of renewed courtship, romance and sexual intimacy. This phase typically gets shorter and shorter as the relationship continues and may disappear altogether.

Tension-Building Phase

The tension-building phase may last a week, month, or even years. However, once the cycle of violence begins, it usually occurs more frequently. The tension-building phase is characterized by increased emotional abuse and a feeling of threat or intimidation. It may include minor physical abuse like slapping or pushing. Victims feel tense and afraid and often describe it as “walking on eggshells.” Victims learn to recognize these signs and may try to avoid or deflect the abuser’s anger by becoming more compliant. Sometimes, they may even provoke the abuser in order to break the tension and get the abuse over.

Serious Battering Phase

This phase is characterized by violent episodes that may involve physical and/or sexual abuse, property destruction and heightened emotional abuse. Children and pets may also become victims. Initially, minimal levels of violence may be sufficient to frighten the victim. As time goes on, the abuser usually uses more severe forms of abuse to maintain control. In some instances, other methods of exercising power and control are so effective that physical abuse is unnecessary. In relationships where there is no physical abuse, victims may believe they are not in abusive relationships.

Power & Control


The Power and Control Wheel links different behaviors that form a pattern of violence. It shows how each behavior is an important part of the overall effort to control someone.

VIOLENCE Coercion & Threats



Control Abusing

Power &











Denying or



The Equality Wheel offers a view of a healthy relationship based on equality and non-violence. Use this chart to compare the characteristics of a non-violent relationship to those of an abusive relationship in the Power and Control Wheel.



& Fairness



Shared Responsibility








Trust &


Honesty &


Is there Power & Control in Your Relationship? Isolation

Is your partner jealous to the point of wanting to know where you are and who you are with? Does he/she blame you for having an affair when you simply talk to another person? Does your partner say if you truly loved him/her you would not need other friends?

Using Intimidation

Does your partner throw things or destroy your property? Does your partner harm or threaten to harm your pet(s)? Does your partner leave weapons out for you to see or display weapons when arguing?

Using Emotional Abuse

Does your partner humiliate you in front of others? Does your partner twist the truth and then say you are crazy? Does your partner call you names or tell you no one else would want you?

Minimizing, Denying, & Blaming

Does your partner blame your behavior for his/her abuse? Does your partner make light of physical harm saying it did not hurt you? Does your partner blame his/her abusive behavior on alcohol and drugs?

How many of your answers are YES? Using Children

Does your partner say things to make you feel you are not a good parent? Does your partner threaten to keep you from your children if you leave the relationship? Does your partner use your children to find out information about you?

Using Privilege

Does your partner make all the big decisions in the relationship without consulting you? Does your partner treat you like a servant? Does your partner say things like, “This is my house.�?

Using Economic Abuse

Does your partner prevent you from getting a job or does their behavior make you lose jobs? Does your partner take your money? Does your partner insist you ask permission to spend money?

Using Coercion & Threats

Has being physically harmed in the past made you feel it will happen again if you do not comply? Does your partner threaten to report you to authorities, such as child welfare or immigration? Does your partner threaten to kill him/herself if you leave the relationship?



85-90% of all domestic violence victims are women who are abused by their husbands or boyfriends. Even though most victims are women, men can be victims too. Teenagers, pregnant and elderly women are especially at risk.

Teenagers are as vulnerable to relationship violence as adults and it is just as dangerous. Teenagers may not seek help because they distrust adults.



They may be abused by their spouses or partners, adult children or caretakers. They may be physically unable to defend themselves or escape from the abuser. They may be physically or mentally unable to report the abuse to anyone.


They may be abused themselves. They grow up in an unsafe environment filled with tension and violence, sometimes forced to see their parent abused in front of them. The abuser may use threats to harm them as a means of controlling the victim. They grow up seeing abuse as the natural way for domestic partners to relate to each other. Stepchildren are especially vulnerable.

Gay and lesbian relationships are not immune to the pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors that constitute domestic violence. Victims may not seek help, because they don’t believe help is available for same sex domestic abuse or they fear they will be mistreated due to their sexual orientation.


Studies have found no link between personality type and being a victim. Victims cannot stop the abuse by simply changing how they behave.

WHO ABUSES? ABUSERS TYPICALLY: •Have short fuses and become immediately angry •Deny the abuse occurred or make light of a violent episode •Blame the victim, other people, drugs, alcohol or outside events for the abuse


•Abusers choose to respond to a situation violently, making a conscious decision to behave in a violent manner •They know what they’re doing and what they want from their victim •They are not acting purely out of anger •They are not acting only because of stress •They are not helplessly under the control of drugs and alcohol •They use “blackouts” as an excuse when they abuse.

ABUSE IS A LEARNED BEHAVIOR •It is not a “natural” reaction to an outside event •It is not “normal” to behave in a violent manner within a personal relationship •It is learned from seeing abuse as a successful tactic of control—often in the home in which the abuser grew up •It is reinforced when abusers are not arrested or prosecuted or otherwise held accountable for their acts

ABUSERS MAY EVEN: •Express remorse and beg forgiveness with seemingly loving gestures •Be hard workers and good providers •Be witty, charming, attractive, intelligent •At times, be loving parents

Safety Measures While In An Abusive Relationship If you are living with a person who is abusing you, here are some things you can do: • Make a Personal Safety Plan. • Have important phone numbers memorized—friends and relatives—who you can call in an emergency. Discuss safety planning with your children. Prepare and discuss safe words with your children, friends and relatives. If your children are old enough, teach them important phone numbers, including when and how to dial 911. • Keep this booklet in a safe place - where your abuser won’t find it, but where you can get it when you need to review it. • Think about what you will say to your partner if he or she becomes violent. • Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (such as bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as kitchens). • Keep a pre-paid calling card or a charged cell phone with you at all times. • If you can, open your own bank account. • Stay in touch with friends. Get to know your neighbors. Resist any temptation to cut yourself off from people - even if you feel they don’t understand you or you just want to be left alone. • Leave an “emergency kit” in a safe place or with a trusted friend or relative. This could include extra money, a set of car keys, a change of clothes, and copies of important documents. • Be cautious how you use technology.

Safety Measures After Leaving

An Abusive Relationship

If you are no longer living with the abuser, here are some things you can do. • Change the locks—if you’re still in your home and the abuser is the one who left. • If you have to meet your partner, do so in a public place. • Install as many security features as possible in your home. These might include metal doors and gates, a security alarm system, smoke detectors and outside or motion detector lights. • Inform neighbors that your former partner is not welcome on the premises. Ask them to call the police if they see that person loitering about your property or watching your home. • Make sure schools and the people who care for your children are very clear about who does and who does not have permission to pick up your children. • Obtain a Protection From Abuse (PFA) or Protection From Stalking and Sexual Assault (PFS) order. Keep it near you at all times and make sure someone you trust has a copy of it. • Let your co-workers know about the situation, especially if your former partner is likely to come to your work place. Ask them to warn you if they observe that person around. • Vary your routine. Avoid the places you went when you were living with the abuser. • Get counseling. Join support groups. Do whatever it takes to form a supportive network that will be there when you need it.



These pages will help you plan for your safety. If you don’t have some of this information, now is the time to get it. Keep this information in a safe and private place where your abuser cannot find it (for example: a friend’s house, your workplace or a locked trunk or safe). Important phone numbers: Police: 911 SOS Helpline: 620-342-1870 or 800-825-1295 My legal advisor: My health provider: Other: I can call these friends or relatives in an emergency: Name: Phone: Name: Phone: These neighbors will call police if they hear me being abused: Name: Phone: Name: Phone: If I have to leave my home in a hurry, here is where I will go: Name: Phone: Address: Name: Phone: Address:

I have given copies of the following items to a friend for safekeeping: • • • • • • • • • • •

Birth certificate Children’s birth certificates Social Security card School records Marriage license Bank statements, checkbook, credit cards Passport or permanent resident card Identification Insurance papers Prescription medications Documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.) • I put the following in a safe place or gave to a friend for safekeeping: an extra set of car keys, money, change of clothes for my children and I. When I have to talk to my abuser in person, I can: When I have to talk to my abuser on the phone, I should: I will make a “code word” for my family, co-workers and friends, so they know when to call for help for me. My code word is: If problems occur while I am walking, riding, or driving, I can: I can use voicemail or caller ID to screen my calls at home and ask at work to screen my calls and visitors.

Protective Orders

While these orders are useful tools, they cannot guarantee your safety. Even if one is granted, it is important you have a safety plan.

This information was obtained from Kansas PFA/PFS statutes. This information is provided as a general overview of the process involved to obtain a protective order.

Who can get a Protection from Abuse (PFA) Order? You are eligible to file for a PFA if you are being hurt or threatened by someone with whom: • You have been intimate partners or household members • You are or have been in a dating relationship • You have a child in common • If you are seeking protection of a minor child, the child and the person you want restrained must meet one of the above requirements

What actions must have been committed against me? The person who applies for a PFA must have been a victim of abuse. This means one of the following has occurred:

• The person physically hurt you or a minor child on purpose OR the person tried to hurt you or a minor child • The person recently threatened to physically hurt you or a minor child • The person engaged in sexual contact (touching or sexual intercourse) with a minor child under the age of 16 • The person engaged in any sexual contact or attempted sexual contact without your consent or when you were unable to give consent • The person engaged in any sexual contact or attempted sexual contact without consent o when the minor was incapable of giving consent.

An SOS advocate can help you fill out paperwork, understand your options, explain the process and support you through the necessary steps. If you have specific legal questions, you need to talk to an attorney or legal services.

Protection from Abuse (PFA) and Protection From Stalking and Sexual Assault (PFS) Orders are court orders you can get without the help of a lawyer that restrict the abuser’s behavior and may grant certain rights to you, to make you safer. There are civil court actions that restrain the abuser. Someone who violates such an order may be arrested or found in contempt of court.

What is the process for getting a PFA? There are two steps in the process of getting a PFA. First, you get a temporary order that is valid for up to 20 days. Secondly, you go to court for the final PFA order, which can be in effect for 12 months. You may get an application for a temporary order from the District Clerk’s office at the courthouse. Legal advice may be available through your private attorney or legal services.

What protections can I get? The court is empowered to order any or all of the following: • Restrain the parties from abusing, molesting, or interfering with the privacy or rights of each other or any minor children of the parties • Grant possession of a residence or household • Award temporary custody of minor children • Order a law enforcement officer to remove a party from the residence or household

What is a Protection from Stalking and Sexual Assault Order (PFS)? In some ways, the process and protection provided by a Protection From Stalking and Sexual Assault order are similar to a PFA order. But they have important differences. Stalking is defined as an intentional harassment of another person that places the other person in reasonable fear for that person’s safety. Sexual Assault is a non-consensual sex act or an attempted sexual act against another by force, threat of force or when the person is incapable of giving consent. The victim must show: the name and address of the defendant, what stalking behavior/sexual assault occurred and the dates on which the behavior happened. REMEMBER, a protection order will not necessarily stop your abuser from coming near you or harming you. If he or she does so, however, it gives police a greater ability to respond.


HELPLINE 620.342.1870 800.825.1295

For more information about SOS: P.O. Box 1191 Emporia, KS 66801 620.343.8799 Facebook: SOS, Inc. Twitter: @SOSKansas Instagram: SOSKansas

SOS is a non-profit organization that works to end sexual and domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect through service, education and advocacy. Originally established in 1976, SOS provides services to children and adults in Lyon, Chase, Coffey, Greenwood, Morris and Osage Counties. Programs include Crisis Services, the Child Advocacy Center, the Child Visitation & Exchange Center and CASA of the Flint Hills.

A United Way of the Flint Hills Agency This project was supported by Grant No. 2015-WR-AX-0003 awarded by the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women.

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