SMUG Anthology

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Editor in Chief: John Hayes | Cover Artist: Mark Michael Published by SMUGingtons, Winchester, SO23 8SR Printed by Sarsen Press

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For Winchester By Winchester From Winchester

smugwinchester

smugsatire

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smugw

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mug Issue 1

£3.50 at least

Helping keep Winchester from disappearin up its own bottom

Inlcudes

Schoolgate-Gate Silver Hill Blues What Simon Said Southbound SMUG Mind Games Horrorscopes

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Why SMUG? IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE CURIOUS as to why a satire magazine called SMUG has sprouted up in the provincial town, sorry, ancient City of Winchester, the following old fable explains it in a cryptic, roundabout sort of way. Careful, though, there’s a twist to this tale, so here’s a clue. All is one and one is all in here. Ready? Off we go. Once upon a time there was a scorpion in search of its other half. Along the way the scorpion came to the banks of a river, in the middle of which stood a small island. Unable to swim, the scorpion looked around for a vessel to carry him across and spotted an old frog, half submerged in the shallows. “Excuse me Mr. Frog,” asked the scorpion, “would you be so kind as to take me to that pile of rocks over there?” “Pile of rocks ” croaked the old frog, puffing out its puffy-out bit. “That is my Kingdom. Can’t you see the sandcastle!” “Er, yes, right, sorry,” apologised the scorpion. “I mean, would Your Majesty be so kind as to carry me across to your kingdom, please?” “Mmm,” deliberated the old frog. “While I am surely a kind and charitable king, you are a scorpion. How can I be sure you won’t sting me half way across?” “Who me?” replied the scorpion. “I can’t swim. Were I to sting you, would I not be putting myself in jeopardy.” “Very true,” agreed the old frog, and so it was that the old frog carried the scorpion across the river. Exactly half way across, the scorpion stabbed its tail into the old frog’s back. “Why, oh Why!” bemoaned the old frog. “I am scorpion” the scorpion dutifully replied. “It is in my nature.” The moral of the tale is, of course, that one cannot change one’s own nature. But how does this explain why a satire magazine has sprouted up in Winchester?” Or have you already solved the riddle?

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Let’s see. Yes, the old frog represents the smug nature of the Wintonian. Smug being descriptive of one who has that air of certainty about them, born out of the belief that they are always right, morally superior and wholly satisfied with themselves and their achievements, in a humble, almost apologetic kind of way. (Ring any bells?) Don’t get me wrong. I am sure that all smug Wintonians are delightful, open-minded, intriguingly ambivalent, liberal individuals in private, once you get to know them, but somehow, over time, the City’s own puffed-up reputation as a paradigm of all that good and honourable rubs off on them, obliging ladies wear blue and white striped French jumpers (with a hint of pink) and men to begin every other sentence with the word ‘indeed’. And let’s be honest, it’s hard to resist the appeal of identifying oneself with such a beautiful and distinguished capitol. Indeed, I have been accused of being smug myself, though I deny it of course. “If anything,” I retort, “I am an anti-smug.” Which brings us to the scorpion in the story. The sting in our tail being whatever combination of injustices, frustrations and personal heartbreak have inspired anti-smugs to have a stab at the old frog. Granted, you may sympathise with the old frog, and say something like, “This is all very well and good, but we’ve all experienced injustice, frustration and heartbreak? Shouldn’t all you venomous back-stabbing scorpions just grow up instead of trying to bite off the hand that feeds you. Indeed, a hand that works tirelessly for the greater good.” To which a scorpion sympathiser might reply, “Sanctimonious old git!” But then neither would have spotted the twist in this tale. Have you? Remember, all is one and one is all in here. Find out on page 29.

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The SMUG Oath WE, the self-proclaimed Knights and Ladies of the Smug Round Table, of our own free will and accord, in the presence of our Mums do hereby and hereon most solemnly and sincerely promise and swear that we will never reveal the names of any of the other Knights and Ladies of the Smug Round Table, to any person or persons. We furthermore promise and swear that we will endeavour to always act with the Greater Good of Winchester and to the benefit of the public in general at the forefront of our minds, even if this means causing harm to ourselves by biting off the hand that feeds us. Further, that we promise to endeavour always to provoke through our satire a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle, a gasp, a gulp, an eek, a guffaw or an impulse to procure more copies for friends. All this, we most solemnly, sincerely promise and swear, with a firm and steady resolution to perform the same without any hesitation, ourselves, under no less penalty than that of having our bodies severed in two, our bowels taken from thence and burned to ashes, the ashes scattered to the four winds of Winchester, so that no more trace or remembrance may be had of so vile and perjured wretches as we, should we ever knowingly or willingly violate our solemn oath and obligation as a Knight or Lady of the SMUG Round Table, in full knowledge, so help us Mum, that this is a purely symbolic, empty and non enforceable penalty.

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SMUG EDITORIAL Fancy contributing? editor@smugwinchester.com

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Published by WFA CIC, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, SO23 8SR Printed by Sarsen Press

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NEWS

City streets voted top by homeless, survey reveals By Sir Teefyable news@smugwinchester.com A NATIONWIDE survey of the best place to be homeless has placed Winchester at the top of the list of the most desirable places to sleep rough in the UK. Dennis, (not his real name) 44, (not his real age), who has been living rough in the area for 3 years says, “Man, it’s great here. We get to kip in doorways outside Waitrose and Cath Kidston or sometimes even an artisan coffee shop before the coppers turn up and move us along. True, on Saturday nights you get pissed on by drunks leaving O’Neill’s but at least most of them have got a degree and they use Received Pronunciation when they tell you to fuck off”. Jason, a resident and student at the 6th form college, regularly encounters homeless people on his way to classes:

CAR BOOT SALE/DOGGING Rota agreed NEW COFFEE SHOP New coffee shop to be “exactly like all the others” CYCLISTS’ RIOT Local cycling club faces severe lycra shortage STUNT GOES WRONG Face-painting stunt causes road accident at Twyford fête

Dennis, 44, moved to Winchester seeking a higher class of destitution

“Conditions here are optimal. As a result the city attracts a better class of people who don’t expect any kind of accommodation. Once I’ve got my Aldi A star in Shelf Stacking and Retail I’m hoping to secure a successful jobless career in Winchester, eventually progressing to debt, penury and abandonment by society.”

Residents demand to be twinned with more upmarket city A GROUP of disaffected Winchester residents led by a well-known local academic has put its proposals to the council asking for an alternative to one of the current partners, the twinned town of Geissen, Germany. For the last 15 years, the Anglo German Society has promoted unity and friendship between the two towns. But now Professor Widget, 67, is demanding the city be paired with a place that has more “cachet”. “Geissen, quite frankly, is beneath many of the citizens here. Its Wikipedia entry is poor and its so-called university little more than a bus shelter with a curriculum. The people of Winchester deserve better.” An online petition has been set up and a meeting will take place later this month in the Guildhall. Vernon Important, deputy mayor, said the matter was deeply significant. “The matter is deeply significant. Who here, after all, wants to be associated with some Teutonic hovel? Winchester needs a place that’s more appropriate to our standing. Somewhere like Aix-enProvence, for example. My wife and I have a charming little g te there as it happens and it could be let to the town mayor there for a very reasonable price.”

NEWS IN BRIEF

PLEASE HELP OUR BEAUTIFUL CITY FROM DISAPPEARING UP ITS OWN BOTTOM If you enjoy this magazine please consider donating to the SMUG cause, behind which is the local company Winchester Film & Art. As a registered Community Interest Company, and 2015 winner of the BID Commitment to the City Award, the WFA strives to help keep Winchester vibrant, contemporary and ‘real’, i.e., to stop it from disappearing up its own bottom.

City said to be suffering from “twinning town blues”.

YOUR SAY Which town do you think Winchester should be twinned with and why? Best (funniest) answers published in next edition. yoursay@smugwinchester.com

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You would be joining a group of like-minded people, who care for this great City, and you would be invited to become an honorary member of the SMUG Round Table, a purely symbolic title, but a title all the same. Donations, no matter how small, can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com Or contact the editor, Lady Wench, for a personal chat. editor@smugwinchester.com


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NEWS

Black Boy extends its franchise New ‘satirical’ magazine with new venture faces wave of indifference, claims Expert

FOLLOWING the huge success enjoyed by The Black Rat restaurant, The Black Bottle wine bar and the recently launched ‘chic’ bed and breakfast The Black Hole, the owners behind the ‘Black’ chain of enterprises have surprised Winchester with the proposed opening of “Black Death”, an exciting new funeral directors conveniently located opposite Abbots Barton nursing home. Plans are also in progress for a pop-up branch in selected wards of the infirmary. A spokesman behind the venture is determined to bring a “modern” mortuary service to the area. However, he refused to confirm rumours of plans to convert the Unitarian church on Jewry Street into “Black Mass”, a devil-worshipping-cumlap-dancing venue.

“Over the council’s dead body, apparently” he said, “though things like that can be arranged.”

c e t i o e it u e u e service near Abbots Barton where residents are expected to make use of its services.

Winchester turmoil Bugs refuse to as the ‘Caffeinate’ enter city hospital takes control There was shock in Winchester last night as news leaked of a controversial new plan by the council to take money from so-called ‘coffugees’ as they entered the City. The scheme, run by the local Caffeinate, involves people giving up their valuables – money or four-wheel drive cars – in exchange for the local currency – or ‘coffree loyalty cards’. Said a spokesperson: ‘these Caffeirs don’t understand the laws unless you give them the sixth one free’. A local man said: ‘They are just encouraging addiction to this dangerous brown liquid. I’ve got to go, man I’m latte for work.’

WANTED - ALIVE Smug contributors 50% scorpion or more To turn yourself in contact editor@smugwinchester.com COnfidentiality assured

on health grounds

Staying put: Staph Aureus, Super Bug.

THE LAUNCH of a new satirical magazine in Winchester has attracted an unprecedented surge of indifference across the city. “Smug”, the new ‘satirical’ publication, was greeted with a shrug from the local population and hopes for its acceptance as part of Winchester’s ‘scene’ is in doubt. Local sociologist, people-watcher, psychotherapist and self-proclaimed life-guru, Bob Expert, claimed it was simply a sad bid for approval projected onto readers. “We’ve seen this type of acting-out before. It’s typical of those in a privileged position who would like to be seen for the self-critical, self-referencing people they are.” By remaining anonymous and cowardly hiding behind pen-names, Mr Expert believes the writers and editors at the magazine are akin to online trolls. “It’s a self-serving, pre-emptive strike. Just by concocting this very article you’re reading now, the people behind this rag are simply manifesting their own pathetic insecurities and anxieties. Perhaps parts of Winchester are seeking to indulge in a bout of self-flagellation but this satire doesn’t bite, it sucks.” No one at the magazine was available to comment. Bob Expert is 56 and charges £12 an hour.

LOCAL bacteria have banded together in their refusal to take up their customary position in Winchester Royal Infirmary due to the ‘appalling state’ of its interior. A leading MRSA microbe, Staphylococcus aureus or “Staph”, speaking out earlier said: “We’ve seen the inside of some really nasty places but this place is a disgrace.” No wonder people are sick in there. Even super bug like us are at risk” Despite health authorities’ promises that wards will remain chronically under-funded and lack proper cleaning the bugs are still stubbornly insisting on staying outside. “We’ve washed our hands of Winchester” said a disappointed bacterium. OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

REWARD No

“Little Marcus can’t go swimming today. He doesn’t want to.”

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Bob Expert: “No-one is going to waste time reading this stuff. These people need psychiatric help”


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ENVIRONMENT

An eager resident carts off a toxic recycling bin to recycling dump.

THEY MAY BE ‘green’ through and through and supposedly environmentallyfriendly, but your average green waste bin and its harmful plastic, toxic construction can destroy our fragile ecosystem, melt the ice-cap and bring about ‘Climate Armageddon’ to our poor planet. Not to mention blighting the view on our leafier streets. That’s the uncompromising message in a latest campaign from Winchester GreenSoc. Now the group is demanding that residents recycle their green bins. The plucky activists are proposing that the council introduces replacement articles like disposable receptacles instead. “Our patented cardboard bins are proven to be convenient, cost-efficient and while not strictly re-usable, they’re designed to absorb Chinese takeaways, pizza, gravy, teabags and all manner of household waste provided you simply bag it all up first in a Waitrose plastic bag. Our new cardboard replacement bins are on sale for a reasonable £97 including p and p from our website.”

Mental Maths The Zonal Parking Conundrum For many Winchester residents with parking permits, finding a space can mean hours spent every week waiting for a space to appear (and many extra miles driving round and round waiting for a space to appear). Question: If a zone Q resident waits on average 20 minutes a day waiting for a parking space to appear, approximately how long would a permit holder in Zone R have to wait on average?

Water meadows ‘ideal’ for third runway, says developer

Permission finally approved for snooker table conversion

There’s “Boris Island” in the Thames Estuary, proposals for a third runway at Heathrow and the further expansion of Gatwick - all tentative solutions to Britain’s overcrowded airports that bring their fair share of controversy. Now, a team of local developers is about to submit their plans to central government claiming that the right place to build the UK’s much-needed new airport is right here in Winchester. Clive Smudge whose recent developments include the much debated Silver Hill, is convinced the local populace will eventually see the benefits in his idea. “Like many business people I look at all that flat green space and think, what a criminal waste. This plan would make Winchester not just the capital of business Britain, but put us at the heart of Europe and the world. There will be the nay-sayers and the socalled conservationists bleating as usual but I ask you: Who comes down here just to look at the scenery? This could be Britain’s biggest ever duty-free shopping mall.” Iris Toast, a 78-year-old resident whose home overlooks the meadows remains unimpressed. “I’m scared shitless about flying anyway” declared the pensioner. Mr Smudge is expected to put his proposals forward in a public meeting next month and following his donation to the local party is widely tipped to be the next Mayor.

STANMORE pensioner Ray Eames was ecstatic today after the council gave the green light to his long-sought planning permission to turn his half-size snooker table into a table-tennis table. Said Ray; “To tell you the truth, we haven’t played on it for yonks and the cues are all warped. But with some old plywood it’ll make a smashing tabletennis table”. Despite objections from neighbours and a two year-long investigation into local environment issues, Ray won his case after an appeal. “There were problems with all that ‘green’ malarkey and the all the baize I’m covering”. Now Ray’s grandchildren will enjoy the new indoor sport he’s creating and he’s also counting on using the table for pasting wallpaper. “But don’t tell those tw*ts at the council.”

Up to half a square metre of unspoilt baize will be covered over by environmentally-compliant 1inch thick plywood. OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

Zone

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Q

Total no. of parking bays (including pay & display)

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51

No. of permits currently issued, and valid.

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135

No. of Zone Q permit holders who can also use Zone R

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No. of Zone R permit holders who can also use Zone Q

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Answer in the Small Ads

Green Society: time to recycle green recycling bins

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“So what if I make a small fortune renting out my two courtyard parking spaces and park on the road myself using the permit I am entitled to.”


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NEWS

Badger Farm to get “much nicer” name, says councillor II’S GOT ancient historical connections. It has its own charming local colour. And it has plenty of ‘local wildlife’ too which as residents know seems to end up all too often in the magistrates court. But now, a competition organised by local developers and land consultants wants to remove the name of Badger Farm altogether and re-name the district. A suggestion box has been set up next to the darts board in the Badger Farm Social Club, known as “The Sett”, and already names are coming in thick and fast. Some of the favourites that will be put forward to the council committee are ‘Happy Homestead’ and ‘Molly’s Mount’. Many ideas have already been thrown up by a crowdsourcing initiative online, but some are unlikely to be considered.

Plans approved for new Cathedral extension Badger Farm turned down new name ud o o

Barry Scar, the local councillor, suspected his internet account had been hacked by trolls when he confirmed that “Turd Common” and “Pungent Odour” would not appear on the final shortlist.

Dull Men’s Club Bus Tour does not disappoint MEMBERS and guests of the Dull Men’s Club met in front of the Guildhall on New Year’s Day for their annual Bus Tour. Many of them got there early in order to watch the bus arrive. Leland Carlson, Assistant Vice President of the Dull Men’s Club, was one of the early birds. “Watching the bus arrive was exciting indeed — watching it make its way around King Alfred’s statue and then head directly towards us. When the bus stopped, the driver stepped out, introduced himself and shook everyone’s hand. Then, after some small talk, we began our bus tour. We began by walking around the bus. We walked around clockwise three times at first. Then we reversed direction and walked around anti-clockwise three times. We paused from to time to time to allow the driver to explain interesting things like tyre pressure and trivia about the licence plate. The highlight of the tour was when the driver opened the door and let us inside the bus. We went in and walked all the way to the back. And then we walked back up to the front. We climbed the stairs to the upper level. Wow, what a view, particularly looking up Winchester’s High Street. We walked all the way to the back and then back up to the front. Then we went back down to the lower level. We sat down and relaxed.”

No. 14 bus arriving outside the Guildhall

Onlookers and passers-by seemed perplexed by the event and those that stayed to watch the bus depart were left bitterly disappointed. More Dull Men’s Club news can be found on their website: www.dullmensclub.com OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I prefer bingo to chess. There, I said it, I feel better. ”

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The new 700ft steeple will put Winchester firmly back on the map, making it the tallest cathedral in Britain. Artist’s impression


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PLANNING

“You say” We asked readers their opinions of the Silver Hill development

SILVER HILL YOUR SAY Calling all artists, architects and visionaries NOW THAT the original £150m Silver Hill scheme for a ‘variable’ number of homes, shops and public spaces has apparently finally been scrapped by

Silver Hill

Lizzy Chuffers, 35, Mum, “The proposed buildings are so ugly and disproportionate and completely out of character with the rest of the city. What we need is an architectural competition. We need our own Gherkin.”

Daizy Adele, 16, Student, “They should extend Poundland so it takes up literally the whole area - they could sell more things like cars and houses - literally how cool would that be, a house for a pound - brill.”

Charles Winkler, 42, Property Developer, “I think they should turn it all into luxury housing - Winchester would benefit from more rich people with fat wallets - none of this affordable housing - We need people with Range Rovers and Rolex watches.”

Rose Applewick, 90, Retired, “It’s shocking where am I going to get my bus when there’s no bus depot - there’s only one bus a month that’s on Tuesday - I dropped my eggs on the pavement.”

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Blues

Winchester City Council, we invite you to send us your artist’s impressions (digital, sketched or painted) of what you think should take its place in order to “regenerate the area”. Send to: yoursay@smugwinchester.com When lights turn off (clap..clap) Confidentially clap..clap It’s just F-all Commercially (clap..clap) Now gotta wait (clap..clap) See what goes down (clap..clap) But feelin’ tired Of all these clowns (clap..clap)

I got de blues (clap..clap) I got de blues (clap..clap) I got the dodgy-deal Silver Hill blues (clap..clap)

There was Humpty (clap..clap) Now there’s Dumpty (clap..clap) Who pulls the strings? Gotta be Bumpty (clap..clap)

They make me wail (clap..clap) They make me cry (clap..clap) Those buildings stand Five stories high (clap..clap)

And when they build (clap..clap) This hell on earth (clap..clap) I’m gonna call On Colin Firth (clap..clap)

I wanna be (clap..clap) in Paradise (clap..clap) Cos the gard’n of Eden Ain’t looking nice (clap..clap)

I need some sense (clap..clap) Or sensibility (clap..clap) To try to stop This imbecility (clap..clap)

I wanna know (clap..clap) how it got this far (clap..clap) Those councillors Are sure bizarre (clap..clap)

But even Colin’s (clap..clap) In great distress (clap..clap) Cos he can’t halt Pride and Prejudice (clap..clap)

I spoke to mine (clap..clap) he’s quite a dude (clap..clap) I’ve never known A guy so rude (clap..clap)

And so I guess (clap..clap) It’s all over now (clap..clap) Canute and Alf Please Take your bow (clap..clap)

He just don’t care (clap..clap) About this town (clap..clap) He only wants To bring it down (clap..clap)

You’re city’s sinking (clap..clap) ‘Neath stupidity (clap..clap) and ugliness It’s plain to see (clap..clap)

The people say (clap..clap) ‘This must be stopped’ (clap..clap) But he just say ‘It can’t be dropped’ (clap..clap)

Will saviour come? (clap..clap) God only knows (clap..clap) Fighting hard til The whistle blows (clap..clap)

I hear the judge (clap..clap) say it ain’t fair (clap..clap) But council stick Vs in the air (clap..clap)

I’m signing off (clap..clap) My heart is low (clap..clap) Ain’t got no point Silver Hill’s gonna blow! (clap..clap)

Cos they’re in bed (clap..clap) With Henderson (clap..clap) Don’t like to think Just What’s goes on (clap..clap)

I got those blues (clap..clap) I got those blues (clap..clap) I got those dodgy-deal Silver Hill blues (clap..clap)

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EDUCATION

How much for a Winchester chorister to sing for his supper? he fi st in a se ies o in estigati e digs o g epo te NATIONALLY acclaimed for their sweet voices, choristers from Pilgrim’s prep school can be heard in the Cathedral delighting many a tourist and visitor with their evensong. With a lineage that can be traced back to Saxon times (676 AD), the school has always been a feeder into Winchester College and enjoys a distinguished history as an educational establishment. So it’s no surprise that places are scarce, much sought-after and that fees are consequently high. Tuition starts at around £17,000 for day pupils and £22,000 for boarders. A small percentage of choristers are awarded a choral scholarship, which “represents 40% of the full boarding fee. Additional bursaries may be available, worth up to 100% of the full boarding fee” according to the website. If that’s the case, some are asking, why are ordinary people being asked to fund their fees? In the grounds of the Cathedral, a choirboy’s stone’s throw from the school entrance, a shop run by the deanery as part of the Cathedral trust regularly sells second-hand books to passing trade.

Members of the public who sift through the piles of dusty, old tomes, perhaps in the hope of unearthing a genuine first edition, might be surprised to learn that when they hand over their money it goes to help pay the fees of boys singing in the building nearby. Via a charity, the shop has reportedly handed around £12,000 to each individual. One parent, Ida Claire, whose son attends the school told us: “We know this money could easily be given to the homeless in the streets but let’s face it, what do they do for their money really? Lay about trying to keep warm. Our boys sing for their supper. They must learn to be independent and robust at a tender age and give up their Christmas Day. And have to sing in Latin”.

Another grateful father who wishes to remain anonymous puts it more succinctly: “Without this money, there would be no skiing holiday in France for Mathew.” While families are eligible for bursaries no matter how affluent, there are - in the absence of means testing - choristers at the school whose parents would simply not be able to afford the fees were it not for this charity. The question is: should a charity (the church) that is already part-funded by tax-payers be donating money to hugely privileged families? Can it be right that residents (and presumably tourists) are effectively helping put these songsters through college? Some might legitimately ask whether it is they or the homeless of Winchester which is the more deserving cause. Of course, we could buy books at any other second-hand charity bookshop and give no money to the families of choristers at all. And perhaps have no nationally acclaimed choir. Winchester, you decide.

YOUR SAY Is this report missing some key argument or are the facts wrong? yoursay@smugwinchester.com

Woman sends child to school SCHOOLGATE-GATE in odd socks A WOMAN in the ulflood area of Winchester has been sending her child to school in odd socks, it was reported today. Social services were called by a concerned neighbour, also a parent at the school in question, and confirmed they are ‘monitoring the situation’. The neighbour, who wishes to remain anonymous, said: ‘This isn’t the first time this has happened and I doubt it will be the last. Some parents just don’t care. I’ve even seen children with dirty shoes walking up the hill on their way to school. Things are getting out of hand and to be quite honest, it’s time the school took action.’ Concerns have been raised in the community that Ofsted results may be affected, but a spokesperson from the Council said that this was ‘completely ridiculous’. The Headteacher of the school was unavailable for comment.

By H. Cryt Affectionately known by her friends as the ‘Hippo’.

...can’t really stop got Bertie’s violin class and then it’s Josh’s gymkhana but just wanted to let you know strictly entre nous that I was oh so right about that cow and her jumping ahead in the queue I mean how offensive is that especially after we’d met and had tea with the head personally and him being on the same non-exec board that Roger sits on at Kleinwort I’m going to lodge an official complaint but then again thinking about it we might just take Josh OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“They both wear North Face but they shop at Lidl.”

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out of it altogether and God knows it’s against all our principles but we’ve been thinking about putting him into you know where because we’re lucky we’re within the catchment area anyway and we’d be saving oodles on fees and quite honestly I don’t know about you and your Arabella but I’m not sure private is all it’s cracked up to be anyway got to rush sweetie catch you later in town for a latte... OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Call me crazy, but I think Parchment Street could do with an Ann Summers.”


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ECONOMY

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Letters to the Editor

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Sir, (ha ha!) What a wonderful magazine, just what Winchester needs! I’d imagine wouldbe advertisers must be beating a path to your door! Yours hopefully, Editor’s wife, SO23 Sir,

Send to: letters@smugwinchester.com Sir, Odd Socks Further to your article regarding odd soc s, can con rm that this is merely the tip of a sartorial iceberg. I frequently see children wandering the streets of Winchester in all manner of nonregulation get up. Worst are the girls. School rules clearly state that skirts be no more than 6 inches above the knee. On several occasions recently I have tried to enforce this with my trusty tape measure, only to be met with squeals, slaps and last week a police caution. Name Withheld SO22 Sir, Porkies I recently picked up a copy of your magazine hoping for a serious look at many of the problems affecting Winchester and the wider world. I could not have been more disappointed! As a colonicist, yoga instructor and vegan I was especially disappointed by the frequent and supposedly ‘humorous’ references to pork. What next? An article on sausages, meatballs, pork swords?!! All just so much childish innuendo. Grow up! Sally Cleanwhistle, Winchester Wholefood Co-op, S023

Odd Socks It’s all very well and good ridiculing snobbish and punative behaviour, but the article about odd socks really is missing the point. School uniforms are called school uniforms because they are uniform,

Mary Rich Winchester Estate, SO22

for a very good reason too. School uniforms act as a social leveller, they help reduce bullying in school and make children better behaved outside the school gates. If a child can wear odd socks, the next step is grey shoes instead of black, then grey/brown, then brown/grey. Shirts will go from white to off-white, to cream. If you don’t nip it in the bud, before long there will be anarchy. Parents who can little afford it will be pressured by their children into buying the top-of-the-range Nikes their friends wear. It’s already happening with stationery. If you don’t have Tinc, you simply fall down the pecking order. So, no odd socks, please. Marcus Edding SO23

Funny Short Story Competition Below are the first sentences of two stories-to-be. Yours? Max 300 words including a title. Entry deadline: 30th April 2016 Funniest, most punchy story published in the next edition of SMUG send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

“Oh God! He’s not dead,”................................................................. ............................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................... Deep in the forest a personal trainer stood shivering bound to an oak tree...................................................................................................... ............................................................................................................ Phrases courtesy of Cold in the Sun by Mark Michael (aka Simon)

WANTED Your Letters to the Editor about anything and everything

YOUR SAY WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (Max 250 words).

letters@smugwinchester.com

You can send for consideration a satirical news item, a cartoon, a poem, a spoof advert, a mind game, a piece of investigative journalism. A feature or a column. Or write a story (see above).

REWARD Catharsis

In fact, anything you can think of at all, so long as it poses a question, reveals a useful ‘truth’, ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw.

Sir, Of little interest Winchester is already well-provided for with the wonderful Hampshire Chronicle. An excellent property section, a smattering of articles, followed by more property news. Your magazine doesn’t even mention property prices once and will therefore, I predict, be of little interest to Winchester residents.

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OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Am I the only one who finds the man on the horse’s androgyny a little weird?”

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Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. See page 5 for contact details.


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NEWS

“Too much religion” affecting Super-rat Christmas market, claims Church infestation in FOR SEVERAL years now, the traditional German-style market has been a wellestablished fixture in both the Winchester seasonal calendar and the Cathedral grounds. But, according to some top level authorities, there has been a creeping tendency for religion to spoil the spirit of unfettered consumerism at this time of year. Local clerics says it’s having an adverse reaction on sales and commercial activity. Gervaise de Salle, a minister said: “Not so long ago you used to be able to go to a Christmas market, buy your scented candles and nobbly knitwear and knock back a mulled wine or two without fear of being accosted by so-called ‘sacred worship’. Now it’s bloody everywhere. We’ve rustled up a token nativity scene in a shed somewhere. What more do these people want?” Stallholders too are complaining about the worrying erosion of meaning in a traditional festive market. Commented proprietor Nobby Basset of Brockwurst ‘N’ Borscht, “I’ve been coming here flogging my sausages for years.

City’s heritage buildings

“We need to get back to the proper e i o i t d o oe novelty tat” - Church.

But these days you can’t move for people wanting to sing a hymn or go to mass or even ‘pray’ when they won’t even fork out for a pair of reindeer antlers. Where’s the respect?” The issue has been referred to the relevant church body which represents local merchants. Its spokesman issued a statement yesterday saying: “We’re well aware that the Bible says that Jesus expelled the money lenders from the temple. But some of us are duty bound to honour our holy and contractual obligations to the higher power that is Wonga.”

Could this be King Alfred’s second cousin’s brother-in-law’s burial ground? EXCITING new archaeological discoveries have halted developments in a housing development in Hyde, Winchester, as traces of what could be “monumentally important” relics were uncovered by council workmen last Thursday. Examining the finds, Gilbert Nostril, the leader of Winchester’s King Alfred Society, said the discovery could prove once and for all that Hyde is the final resting place of Norbert of Gloucester, King Alfred’s long lost second cousin’s brother-in-law. “It looks to me very much like the remains of a nobleman’s den or ‘denna’. In fact this could be the site of Norbert’s carousals where he and other nobles likely convened darts games and wassails. Let’s just say it’s an immense find for the City. Leicester may have the remains OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“The Cathedral, yes, it’s straight ahead, then right. To avoid charity fundraisers and beggars keep to the covered walkways and avoid eye contact.”

MANY of Winchester City’s historic buildings have been infested with super-sized rats, it has emerged. The giant rodents have been discovered in at least one of the city’s ‘heritage’ buildings, with staff reporting numerous signs of evidence from the furry visitors. The building in question wishes to remain anonymous, but has seen staff leaving in droves recently, all of them directly linked to the invasion of the giant rats. One spokesperson said ‘It’s really got out of hand. The rat or rats have been gnawing away at staff morale over a period of some years now, and they seem to have multiplied in numbers. It’s largely due to the council’s lack of concern for the way toxic vermin are managed. Changes need to be made at the highest level if things are to get back on an even keel’. Staff have been blamed for the careless leaving of crumbs from packed lunches eaten at desks, which has encouraged the rats. The spokesperson went on to say: ‘The problem is, staff are terrified to leave their desks as the rats have left evidence of their whereabouts in the kitchen and café areas. It’s a real chicken and egg situation. Or “rat and dropping” situation, rather’. Management at the historic building concerned declined to comment and no one at the council was available to be interviewed.

Bovis development halted by discovery o t ce tu de o oo oo where wassails consuming ancient soft drinks were thought to be held.

of Richard III, but Winchester will soon have the genuine historical artefacts relating to Norbert’s knees-ups. In any case, work has to stop immediately until we get the lab report back in 2026.”

Super-sized rats in at least one of t e cit e it e ui di

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I don’t care. It’s graffiti until the Guardian tells me otherwise.” Darn this predisposition

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NEWS

Farmer’s’ market group relaxes rules on grocer’s’ apostrophes By Sir Teefyable news@smugwinchester.com IN A MOVE which is bound to cause consternation to many across the county, the fortnightly Winchester market is allowing farmers to use their own home-made signs to advertise their wares without fear of correction. One English teacher at Winchester College has vigorously opposed the move. “It spells the end of civilisation - that’s with an ‘s’ as we know it. What have we come to? Those who abuse our language and cannot appreciate its glorious heritage don’t deserve to live in the birthplace of English. They should be strung up. In fact, hanging is too good for them”. For their part, many stallholders are celebrating the removal of restrictions in punctuation and are rebelling against what they term ‘fascist grammarians’.

Said Iris Knitwear, 76, a local jam-maker: “The apostrophe is free at last. These pedants have inhibited our linguistic freedom for too long. They’re simply prisoners to arcane rules of syntax. Or right c***s if you’ll pardon my Anglo-Saxon.”

e e d o ci i i

tio

it

“Ironers Anonymous” Local man remembers why he came into the Support Group living room backed by council

Sheila Korker irons one of her vests.

Albert: overcome with joy.

A SUPPORT GROUP has been set up for residents in the Winchester area who are addicted to ironing, and not a moment too soon according to spokesperson Mrs B from Twyford. “It’s high time this condition had the profile and support it deserves. You might think Winchester is a place where these kind of things don’t happen. But they do.” The group will focus on specific areas of concern such as Starch Abuse and the illegal manufacture of scented laundry waters, such as lavender and rose. Mrs B added: “It’s not always easy to spot someone who is at risk of becoming an addict, but the ironing of pants (particularly ones with a synthetic mix to the fabric) or towels, can be a sign.” The support group has been funded by a council-backed grant and with early intervention, it is hoped that numbers of Winchester-based Ironing Dens can be reduced.

HYDE PENSIONER Albert Mould wept with joy yesterday when he told reporters he finally remembered what he came downstairs for. Said Albert: “I went into the lounge and for the life of me I just couldn’t remember what it was I’d come for. Was it the online porn? Or Cash in the Attic? I’d already found my keys. Anyway, my daughter Sophie finally reminded me. It was my upper set.” The plucky pensioner was later put back to bed with a Hobnob and a sedative. Mr Mould is 86.

Apostrophe Protection Society speaks out By Lady Wench news@smugwinchester.com THE APOSTROPHE Protection Society was founded in 2001 by John Richards, now its Chairman, with the specific aim of preserving the correct use of this currently much abused punctuation mark in all forms of text written in the English language. To this aim the society have published the following message. “Dont you just hate it when people cant seem to get the hang of the humble apostrophe? Every week we see literally 100’s of examples of it’s improper use. Signs’, book’s and even newspapers’ have been known to get it wrong. Its not bloody rocket science! Use in the event of substituting a letter or letters (such as “can’t” for “can not”), or in the possessive (except the possessive of “it”). Do not use for plurals. In the case of a possessive plural, the apostrophe goes after the s. Now write that out a hundred times.” So as not to cause offence to apostrophe miscreants, Mr. Richards is keen to point out that the Society is not out to thwart the natural evolution of the English language. “We are aware of the way the English language is evolving during use, and do not intend any direct criticism of those who have made mistakes, but are just reminding all writers of English text, whether on notices or in documents of any type, of the correct usage of the apostrophe should you wish to put right mistakes you may have inadvertently made.” Mr. Richards won the Ig Nobel Prize for literature in 2001 for his ‘efforts to protect, promote and defend the differences between plural and possessive’.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“ Little Marcus can’t go swimming today. He doesn’t want to.”

Founder John Richards.

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FILM

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PORK

FIRST it was in the Laundry, then it was Across the City, then it was a Creative Collision, then it was Chalk. Now it is PORK, the latest biennial, interdisciplinary, multicultural, collaborative, grant-funded arts platform dedicated to making contemporary arts accessible and engaging to the widest possible audience. PORK Hub Winchester Kebab Shack Lefkas Dolmades uses the natural materials of metal and meat to stimulate your appetite for pork based edible art … Donna Takethatveiloff will be table dancing for attending dignitaries as well as regulars – Hi Bish! 7pm BYO Lager. PORK Artspace Wherever Most Folk Never Go or Would Never Think of HCC host the ‘Glimpse the Eric Gill Pig we bought at Great Expense on your behalf’ and ‘Housed in the four storey stairwell papered by Morris & Co at immense and pointless expense’. Miss M Setupon will then give a talk on all the rest of the artwork the public never see, how valuable it all is and what very little good it does locked away for only the corporate County twonks to enjoy. PORK Gallery Unapproachable and Confusing with no parking near by The ‘Scratchings of Pigs’ is a post-ironic exhibition exploring the creative skills of our porcine brethren who are daily slaughtered in their thousands, displayed continuously - and with considerable wit – alongside Hampshire Constabulary Fraud Files … pigs and troughs form a resonant theme through both strands of the show …

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PORK Performance utting enues that are hard to find and unpleasant when you get there Here, attending is the performance and just like the processing of little piggies for your snacks, you will be led along corridors, through halls and atria, up and down stairs, through blood curtains and out again and, like the piggies now in Heaven, will wonder what the hell all that was about? Catharsis in a bucket. PORK Divine resonances Daylight robbery to see NO PORK! Gallerie Lafayette are the main sponsors of this ballet/garage/punk-cross all action interactive scenario based look at all things porcine … it will leave you pink with delight, hairy with horror and scratching! “Only Liver Fluke is funnier!” Cressida Hyphen-HyphenClot in ‘Hampshire between Lunches’.

Hampshire Hog to be replaced with Vegetarian Option AFTER consulting nutritional experts, the council have taken the decision to replace the famous Hampshire Hog from outside the Castle Offices. Bob Lautrec, head of Art and Nutritional Commissioning, said: “We think ‘The Gherkin’ sends out the right kind of message - one of sensible balanced eating in an all embracing cosmopolitan society.”

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ART & CULTURE

Jane Austen’s original Nikes to be exhibited in museum. IT’S A COUP which has delighted the many academics and scholars who have devoted their lives to the study of Jane Austen. Winchester has officially secured the loan of Jane Austen’s original running shoes which will form the main attraction at a forthcoming exhibition celebrating the novelist’s work. Giles Bespoke, the foremost expert in Austen Minor and Professor Emeritus in Contemporary Sportswear in Literature at Winchester University commented: “Some provincial museums may boast Jane Austen’s pumps and Regency dresses, but not many are proud displayers of the actual trainers Ms Austen wore when jogging in the grounds of Northanger Abbey while dictating Sense and Sensibility into her Samsung Galaxy 6. It’s a great moment for the City”.

e u te c o d ted t i trainers which she wore to think up i te c cte OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I’m starting to find the farmers’ market a satisfying substitute for sexual frustration.”


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BUSINESS

PROPERTY OUTLOOK “On behalf of Winchester’s Consortium of Fellow Estate Agents and Land Managers, I’m glad to introduce our half yearly report . It’s been a turbulent time in the rest of the UK but according to the latest software economic models and market predictions of tea leaves, fingers in the air and chicken entrails, we firmly believe all forecasts confirm the stability of the Winchester bubble. Inside this controlled environment we expect to see an upswing which will hold value steady for the foreseeable future leaving many more developers and agents with assets that are firmly holding their position in the ‘comfortable’ region.

As ever, it’s a tough time for new buyers but if they can muster a few mill as a deposit from the bank they should be able to ‘get in’ on some of the area’s up-and-coming districts. So as soon as we can gentrify Badger Farm and Stanmore or, better still, just clear the land for redevelopment then we’ll see Winchester attract more wealthy overseas students whose parents in Asia are all to keen to buy housing for them while they study here. That way, every one wins.” Dick Turf, Chief Executive, Winchester Associated Estate Agents

A solicitor writes A barista writes

Reginald Smethwick

Barista Jane Barking

As Winchester’s foremost lawyer and partner of the prestigious ‘firm’ of Smethwick and Rudge, I’m often asked by my clients, “Just what the fuck is it that you do all day? You’re never in when I call so why am I paying you vast sums just to avoid urgent questions about my pressing legal case?” Well the answer is, I don’t avoid your questions myself at all. I have the fragrant Josephine, our locum in the back office do that. When she’s not busy typing her wellconstructed excuses onto her ipad and bringing me a much-needed camomile tea, Josephine is hard at work compiling important schedules and itineraries for my overseas conferences and law seminars. Josephine is in fact out right now getting my usual prawn and mayonnaise ciabatta but I’ll have her call you with a lame excuse the moment she gets back.

As a barista, people always ask me, ‘how much will it cost to represent me in this court case or another?’ I say, £2,990, depending on whether you want whipped cream on top of my wig. As the leader of Barististan, it is my job to create a socalled caffeine state in this City. So far we are winning, with more shops opening up every day. We are defeating the hairdressers hand over whipped moose. Right, I’m off to the Bar…

Dick Turf, Mo Lawn, Justin Case, Richard Head from Consortium of Fellow Estate Agents and land Managers.

New commuter initiative In a bid to fleece commuters for even more of their readies, Slow Wet Trains are to start selling platform tickets to ensure places in the queue for trains. The new tickets will cost £545 a month. Key positions available are: ‘near the sliding door, but just behind the yellow line, so you don’t get blown over by freight trains’; ‘behind the lady with the large umbrella’; ‘near the grumpy man with the Daily Mail’. Tickets are also being sold in the queue for the coffee shop on the platform: £1 for a latte position, 50p for a donut. In addition, facilities on the trains are to be renamed. Adding to the existing ‘atseat trolley service’, the toilets are to be rebranded ‘on-board bowel evacuation facilities’, and the train guards are to be called ‘revenue stream flow purloiners’. ‘Customers’ can purchase toilet paper at £1 a piece. One commuter described the new schemes as a ‘typical Slow Wet Trains inishitives’. The ‘thank you for choosing Slow Wet Trains’ message is to be changed to ‘you’ve got no f***ing choice. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!’

Yours blithely unconcerned, Reginald Smethwick Smethwick and Rudge LLP OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I try not to pay more than £3.50 for a flat white but what can you do?”

Extract from The Self-Destructive Nature Inherent Within Virtuoisty by Mark Michael art@smugwinchester.com

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Winchester Train Station where the new commuter initiative by Slow Wet i id to eece co ute o even more of their readies.


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NEWS

Winchester’s Tourism Top

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Who is going up and who is going down THIS MONTH’S tourism top twenty sees a drastic dip in performance from Winchester Cathedral. The iconic landmark has slipped to number two on our countdown of Winchester’s most visited attractions. It will come as little surprise that the number one spot has been claimed by the remarkable descent into the underworld which continues to expand beneath one of the city’s most generic coffee outlets. Questions remain unanswered regarding the origin of the crater but guests to the city continue to flock to the High Street location with visitors commenting on how refreshing the chance to stare into the abyss is amongst a day of tourist traps and underwhelming picnic lunches. A spokesperson for the site reassured Smug that no fair trade coffee beans or gluten-free shortbread have been lost to the pit.

Members of the separatist organisation the Ancient Wessex Alliance suggested to this reporter that the removal of such a large quantity of Winchester land is an attempt by Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party to restore his version of tax justice to the nation. Their detailed conspiracy theory outlines a complex plan for soil redistribution in the north of England where, they claim, highly-priced Winchester land will almost triple the value of certain allotments. Elsewhere conservative commentators have placed blame on the second planned Hampshire Pride parade which will take place this summer. They suggest Hampshire’s late adoption of the pride tradition has been a key factor in preventing the city’s chalky underbelly from crumbling sooner. A representative told Smug ‘serious geological disturbances such as this are precisely why we lobbied against allowing the LGB community to marry.’ Unfortunately this writer has an irrational fear of non sequiturs and so was unable to continue the conversation further. With the pit showing no sign of being filled by a return to compulsory heterosexuality or a shamefaced shadow cabinet any time soon Smug confidently predicts that the pit will keep its place at the top of the Winchester charts for some countdowns to come. Readers are reassured that the necessary appeals and petitions which must by law accompany any development in the city centre have already been filed. If you plan to bring your family to visit the pit Smug strongly suggests that you make use of the city’s park and ride facilities.

Tourism Top 20 as it stands 1

Crater in Café High Street

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Full Guided Tour Winchester Cathedral

Sofa shop expecting customer ‘any day soon’ Their closing down sale is said to have lasted 9 years and staff have been waiting for business longer than that. But now a sofa shop in Winchester says they’re really excited about welcoming a customer very soon. The signs are good, reckons Monica Sponge, 19 year old shop assistant. “I heard there was a rush back in ‘09 and yes, business has been slack for a while. Although to be fair, we do get people wandering in asking for the Nightshelter or occasional tourists asking if they could sit down for a minute”. Extra staff are standing by and manager Barry Treacle has confirmed that in anticipation of the forthcoming demand all leave has been cancelled.

Closing down sale may be extended into next decade says Barry Treacle. This model is reduced by 500%.

WANTED Funny, s nippets of conversations overheard in Winchester, for our ‘Overhead in Winchester’ boxes. editor@smugwinchester.com

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Winchester Cathedral

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Jane Austen Gravestone

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Tour of the Crypt

Winchester Cathedral

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The Winchester Bible Winchester Cathedral

on the Horse 8 Man 800m from Winchester Cathedral

REWARD

Laughter for others

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

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Winchester Cathedral

Tower Tour Winchester Cathedral

Round Table 9 Arthur’s 850m from Winchester Cathedral Buildings 10 Tudor All within walking distance of WC 21 21

“ He’s the tall, slim man in the cream shirt and with a Nigerian accent, talking to Phil. You can’t miss him.”


Personages of Winchester # 1

The Dominator by Mark Michael, acrylic on canvas, art@smugwinchester.com

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PEOPLE


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SIMON

What Simon Said tracts from Guru Simon s original cereal bo manuscript

FOR the inaugural edition of SMUG we are very pleased to be able to present to you a selection of quotes from the collective works of a person whose name you may not be familiar with - Guru Simon. Devotees amongst you will of course know that Guru Simon was born Simon Melvin Barrett, conceived in Winchester and raised in Devon where he has been both popularised and much scorned due to his reclusive nature and intense privacy. Simon has never professed to the stature of a guru. It is a title of which both a scornful media and a small group of loyal fans have applied over time. Although missing and assumed deceased since 2013, Guru Simon’s opus may be as slight as a gnat’s wing, consisting of only one volume of text, but to his avid followers he remains significant. This single book was transcribed by Oxford theologians and comprises of a large 800-page document of which the initial draft was rumoured to have been written over a period of five years during the late nineties. Due in part to Guru Simon’s eccentricity and fondness for recycling, the original manuscript was written onto hundreds of deconstructed cereal boxes, written using the guru’s own figure dipped in squid ink. He chose to write and live in extremely Spartan circumstances, such as coastal caves, moving across his beloved Cornish and Devonshire costs. In 2014 the original cereal box manuscript, which is told to measure close to two hundred feet in length in its entirety, was sold through Sotheby’s to a Russian collector for an undisclosed sum. Thanks in part to public pressure and several social media campaigns, a spokesperson for the buyer has assured that the original manuscript has undergone sensitive restoration since it’s purchase and could well be displayed across selected venues in the United Kingdom in 2019. Rumour has it that the tragic early demise of Simon Guru was a self-instigated hoax and that he has returned to the city where he was conceived using another identity. Unconfirmed sighting of Guru Simon have been reported in both Winnall and Hyde. If you spot him please contact SMUG immediately. He may have shaved and is likely to flee if approached directly.

From a packet of Weetabix “IN ORDER to feel truly alive one must experience the odd dichotomy of anal-retentive control and absolute vulnerability.” Here’s one way. But you have to go ALL the way.

The only photo in circulation of Guru Simon as an adult, reportedly dropped outside a photo booth in Boots, Basingstoke.

From a packet of Shreddies Socialising “Just move, smile and talk frequently. People seem to respond to that and always remember to look interested in what they have to say. If needs be, nod occasionally, but never yawn. If approached by someone physically impaired or scared, smile and hold eye contact, but for Christ’s sake don’t stare at the ‘lump’.” Romance “You must hold hands, otherwise how will people see it’s love.” Beauty “If the mirror’s not quite pretty enough, step to one side and see if removing self-importance can vanquish this aesthetic quandary.” Business “Be prepared to use almost anyone.” Life “Whatever you do, don’t turn and run.” Getting old “50 isn’t the new 21.” Death “It ends when you choose to stop watching.” War “Every enemy is well deserved.” Work “Look your best if you want to be taken seriously.”

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First of all it does help if this process is undertaken on the coldest night of the year. Unlock the front door of your house and pin a note to it saying come inside. Proceed to the largest room in the house and knock out all of the windowpanes. Try to perform this act in the most practical yet physically exhilarating manner possible, don’t worry about the glass if it shatters and crunches. Often it falls away in one gnarled piece. Push it and it will fall. Establish a controllable climate; sit two of those wonderfully extravagant blade-less Dyson fans in either corner of the room so that they are facing one another. Do not opt for cheap imitations or a bladed fan, as you will regret it instantly. Set one to air-conditioned cold, the other to a state of antithesis. Place in the centre of the room directly in-between both fans a Sir Norman Foster ‘Nomos’ desk table with black laminated top and chrome base. For seating decide upon an uncomfortable, austere looking nondescript mass produced plastic chair from the 70’s. Colour of the chair is optional, but white is best. Make sure this arrangement is directly facing the pane-less window. If you are a drinker have a few sizeable measures of your favourite falling down water to hand. If you are adverse to alcohol perhaps a chemical substitute either prescription or non-prescription, depending on availability or your own moral ethics. Remove all of your clothes, place them under the desk and sit down. Use your mobile phone to call a local takeaway which delivers, food choice is optional. Place the order and stipulate that the person delivering should read the note on the front door, remember to act upon this and call out until they hear your voice. Now wait, wait, wait, listen and wait, wait and listen until a strangers voice calls out, beckon them to you. After paying and tipping fairly, regardless of the delivery person’s gender and your sexual orientation, before they leave, speak these words verbatim, without making any eye contact:“Kiss me you beautiful bastard.”


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WELLBEING

“New Street ID cards will make Winchester a more huggable City”, claims spokeswoman from Winchester City Consortium de ti c tio

d

Too much coffee Name........................................

de ti c tio

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Worried I am a fraud Name........................................

de ti c tio

d

RESULTS FROM a new survey on ‘Happiness’ compiled by Winchester City Consortium have led to the introduction of new WCC ID cards in the workplace. Initial trials have revealed that the new definitions significantly reduce antagonism between workers and, in some cases, even lead to hugging. The new ID card scheme is now being introduced onto the street.

de ti c tio

Just farted

Name........................................

de ti c tio

de ti c tio

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Worried I am a fraud Name........................................

de ti c tio

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Mostly bored

Name........................................

d

Always angry

Name........................................

de ti c tio

Something missing Name........................................

d

d

Name........................................

d

In need of tti i Name........................................

de ti c tio

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o t e o how I feel Name........................................

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de ti c tio

d

In need of being noticed Name........................................

de ti c tio

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Lonely

Name........................................

de ti c tio

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Bewildered and bemused

Lost

de ti c tio

Said the brainchild behind the scheme, “By introducing the new ID cards onto the street we hope to make Winchester an even more huggable City.”

Name........................................

de ti c tio

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Just knackered

Name........................................

de ti c tio

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On the brink of a nervous breakdown Name........................................


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BLOG

SOUTHBOUND: BLOG Ramblings of a northerner somewhat removed from his comfort zone By Jody Redmires jodyredmires.com 1st Feb 2016 I’M SOUTHBOUND. Next week I take up a new job in a new (to me) part of the country – Winchester, Hampshire. Apparently this used to be the capital of England, before the Normans kicked off. After a futile search for an affordable house to buy, an extortionate deposit has been paid on a postage-stamp-sized ‘studio flat’ or what we used to call a bedsit in my student days). And in an attempt to give birth to some kind of social life, I’ve already signed-up for several local cultural highlights – the local Chess Club (Mondays), Winchester Musicals and Opera Society (Mondays and Wednesdays) and the Hampshire Writers Club (second Tuesday of every month). That lot should keep me out of the pubs…or drive me towards them, perhaps? From my few days in Winchester, a few things spring to mind: 1. When you look at the coloured map of constituencies on Election Special…. a.k.a. ‘The Nation Decides’…..it’s part of what we (northern types) call ‘that big blue bit down there’. 2. Anyone with an ordinary job (cleaner, waiter, shop assistant) seems to prefer to live elsewhere – somewhere called Eastleigh seems to be popular. 3. I am entering an environment rich in Audis, BMWs and Mercedes. All of them 2.0 litre (or above), all of them 120 bhp (or above), and all of them crawling at 15 mph or below around this fine old town. Don’t get me wrong…I wish we all had a German car - it would be lovely…or at least, to have one that is within the legal emissions limits. But of course ‘we’ don’t. And here in WCR (my new abbreviation for the town, I hope you will forgive me), the sheer wealth slaps the incoming-northerner in the face. “If you don’t like it, go back to the frozen North” some might say. Not at all – I like it very much. It’s lovely. It’s my kind of town, even if I can’t really afford it. It has the feel-of-the-genteel. I never feel as though I’m about to get accosted whilst walking the streets, and there are a fair few parts of The Great North you couldn’t say that about.

I get the feeling that the worst thing that’s going to happen to me is that I will, one night in November, trip over the Remembrance poppy wreaths that haven’t been nicked by the locals for Christmas decorations. And that’s about as violent as things are going to get. Hopefully. 10th Feb 2016 I have a literary ‘guru’ back up-north, who is far too modest to have his name in print so I will just call him ‘Lit-man’. And when I told Lit-man that I was coming down to WCR he was dismayed because I would be several parts-removed from the gritty ‘reality’ of life. He said: “Resist the temptation to kick-back in the comfy suburbs of Winchester, and get downand-dirty instead. Go to Southampton, or (better-still) Portsmouth, sit yourself down in an estate pub, the kind where more money gets passed along the bar than over it, and write about the arse-end of life down-south”. His point being (I think) that you can’t properly write unless you have immersed yourself in the slough of despond. Or in some council estate in Slough. I’m not sure I agree with this. For starters, that poor American journalist thought he was doing a great job in Syria, keeping it real and all that, and then he got beheaded by a madman with a sharp dagger and a facemask. Ironically, the murderer best-known as ‘Jihadi John’ turned out to be from one of the more affluent and leafy parts of southern England. I think if I were to be a journalist, I’d be more ‘Alton Show’ than Syrian conflict. Besides all of which, I’m sure there is enough urban misery in St. Cross anyway. I reckon that behind every fifth-door is some poor abused member of the Rotary Club, or someone belonging to the local Tennis Club, suffering in terrified silence. I’ve already heard it said that in Winchester, no one can hear you scream………… 12th Feb 2016 My literary advisor (lit–man) insisted that I find the grimy part of my adopted town. So I ask one of the bewildering number of estate agents where this might be.“Stanmore” came the reply from Amy (around 23, freshly-graduated and commuting from Basingstoke).

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So, armed only with some sturdy boots and a northern ‘kick-ass’ attitude, I took the number ‘1’ bus. Upon alighting in Stanmore, there appears to be a distinct absence of an ‘underclass’. There must be one here somewhere. Or have they been run out of town and told to moveon, a bit like Steinbeck’s ‘Joad’ family? I have searched in vain so far to find a facially-tattooed 25 year old called Ryan, swigging Carlsberg Special Brew whilst walking a pitbull on a length of orange nylon cord, six welfare-dependent kids in his wake. It’s not that I want to associate with Ryan. It’s just strange that I can’t find him, let alone his daughters. And then, in what Samuel Jackson’s character (in Pulp Fiction) once called a ‘moment of clarity’, I realise……… I AM the underclass. It’s a slightly painful awakening. I’M the one paying £700 pcm to live in around six square metres. I’M the economic migrant…for goodness sake, let me eat cake. I’m the one who cannot park my car underneath my apartment block, because the parking rights have long-since been sold to the business next door. This has resulted in a new ritual – move my car from Tower St car park before 8 a.m. (from which moment the real movers and shakers of the local economy need access). Drive it to Barfield Park and Ride. Pay 3 to the machine. Take the bus back through Chesil, and straight past the very same car park from which I had exited thirty minutes previously, then on to my place of work. When you watch Attenborough’s bulletins from Africa, everything seems so logical. Lions kill Wildebeest because they need to eat. Gorillas groom each other presumably for reasons of personal hygiene. Hippos find water because, well because they are Hippos – (it’s all in the name). But surely even Attenborough would struggle to explain why humans drive a car a mile to the east, in order to catch a bus to the west.


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SMUGANORY

BEAUTY THERAPY a. .a. he errorist and the herapist By Jody Redmires jodyredmires.com In a Barton Farm apartment lives young Omar Whose life has been totally-shit, so far No jobs, no future back in home-town Luton, He smokes raw skunk on a Habitat futon

But her eyes are amazing, and her perfume so sweet So he invites her to sit on the smelly old suite She asked: “What do you use to exfoliate?” ……….”you know……before you go on a date?”

It’s to destruction, he has turned his talents His mental chemistry, somewhat unbalanced Joined a religious sect to ‘liberate’ his thinking Deciding it better than more heavy drinking

“Is it a facial scrub, or a chemical-peel?” And Omar thinks……………. is this girl for real? But the word ‘chemical’ jolts him into life And he looks to the corner, at the sharp Bowie knife

In the flat above lives beautiful Mandy A gorgeous, manicured bit of eye candy She’s a beauty therapist with skin like silk And, she just happens to have run out of milk

She’s too pretty to kill, she’s gorgeous top-to-toe More ‘dense’ than ‘intense’, so I might just give-it-a-go She doesn’t even realise what I’m trying to plot I could just talk to her, like girlfriends long-forgot

Omar’s front door has been reinforced to the hilt On account of the cheap way these flats were built But in his cannabinoid induced torpor He’s sort-of ‘whatever, man’, left it wide open

Mandy sees chemicals on the kitchen table, Glances at his hands, concludes he’s barely able “And those burns you have from mixing those bleaches Wouldn’t happen if you observed our salon procedures”

Mandy knocks once, but Omar’s mind is elsewhere So she walks straight in, and is greeted with a stare Omar, once thinking of incendiary devices Is now full of lust, and other manly vices

He hears himself ask: “Drink tomorrow night?” And though he looks a bit rough, she thinks: I just-might “OK” she replies, “call for me at eight” He stumbles to his feet to say: “It’s a date!”

But Mandy notices his complexion is poor He’s been eating that takeaway crap from next-door So close to that suicide, he’s been living on garbage Whilst he consults his maps, and plans his carnage

And when she’s taken that milk back to base Omar has time to decide on his fate He surveys his assorted weapons of hate And thinks…………… …..hmmm……….maybe Sloane Square can wait.

“Your skin looks unhealthy, you need Vit-D3” She said, then added: “Oh....and my names Mandy” (thinks): If only she knew….. you don’t really care When you’re three-days away from bombing Sloane Square

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SMUG POETRY

POET’S CORNER By e.e. goings (120/80)

ALFRED Farewell then Alfred You are long dead We’ve got your hips But not your head Still we dig on To the very last bone Because Hyde 500 Can’t leave well alone! Why not let him rest in peace And leave the few last bits For the poor church meece! By Jody Redmires

David Litterman Town-ward, on busy Romsey Road Pavements brown and ochre leaf-adorned Just like clockwork……along he comes Supermarket carrier-bags to the fore Must cleanse, protect, perfect the surface The surface of the remains of his mind Whilst a lifetime psychological condition Robs his social dignity, blind Park-and-Riders peer through dirty glass Amused at the early morning Vaudeville Innuendo-laden comments pass On this spectre laid bare for their private thrill It’s an important job, to perform to perfection A task so immense, as he remains intense Street flotsam and jetsam evade collection So many leaves offering leeward resistance Yet more work for the bag-meister As late-autumnal trees still spawn More biological deadweight anti-matter Whilst another West Downs winter dawns

By Jody Redmires

The Wintonians She’s a Wintonian, proper blue-blood Sixties-fledgling from a nest in Fulflood No financial burdens, she currently could Do-good As an Oxfam volunteer He’s a Wintonian, lives close to the station London Waterloo, his midweek destination Just 55 minutes from more wealth-creation At the location Of his privileged career She’s a Wintonian and Estate Agent-boss A fortune made from overselling St. Cross Though it does little to offset the loss Of son Josh To a condition most-severe He’s a Wintonian, with few airs and graces Plays the markets with other poker-faces Carefully day-trades on candlestick-traces as Red braces Constrain stomach fed on beer He’s a Wintonian, races old Bentleys Down country lanes near Chalfont St. Rent-free Takes no prisoners in eager attemptery Not-so-gently He engages fourth gear He’s no Wintonian – this one wants hand-outs That “Big Issue” cry so-makes him stand out On selling fifty, it’s back to Hampton, South Hand-to-mouth Till opportunity comes near

WANTED - ALIVE -

Poets editor@smugwinchester.com

REWARD You publish OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

Bus tickets and fag-ends get caught up Untidy Dolphins in a Tuna net As Superman might say: “I’m just doing my job” Collateral damage, in the great leaf-collect.

“...the teachers are appalling. And not a single one of them can speak properly.”

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Mr Ripper?

By Mr Ripper

These Cobbles THE AIR freezes breath and draws out smoke as we watch the street performers pitch up their plinths, ultra-colour early and raring to go. They make a pleasant change from the monotony of high street Megastores, pristinely dreaming of invincibility scared of derelict evidence; there’s still phones for you but not at that wind-stop doorway; that’s now housing two. You leave your extra coffee there Not a lot more you can do. And you say even with a liquor-blanket the nights out chill your bones as jacketless youths mock the weather in drones. - And anyone it affects. But back in the morning fairy-tale; faces fill the streets, laughter erupts to mischief and music swallows the clear; cold sky. And the Buttercross cannot be sat on without coattails. We sit on the ancient icy monument as the whole of this microcity universe flies by, rushing towards Saturday, missing every note. In the music and the calm chaos We part; you say goodbye. And you wind off into this haven avoiding plastic chicken forks as you do. Enjoy the heavenly cobbles. Adieu, Adieu Bless you


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SMUG GAMES

SMUG MIND GAMES

¿QUE? Social Skills 1. New year’s day found you soreheaded and feeling irrationally unkind, yet when the Bishop shook your hand after morning service, you said nothing of import. This is because: He had all the appurtenances of the Devil Incarnate and you felt it better not to serve his purpose Your hypocrisy made for a silent shame You didn’t know who he was, but assumed ‘weirdo’ on the basis of the hat Science 2. In an n-dimensional curved expanding spacetime, is it of any real use to persist with the mathematical schematic that (i) believes there is any valid foundation in admitting - and claims, horrifically, to prove such an argument as 1 + 1 = 2 and (ii) then works to morphologically extend this so as to meet with that which is actually found in nature? Yes/No

Caption Contest Send your contributions to editor@smugwinchester.com

WANTED - ALIVE -

Fun, Original Brain Games

Turn them in at games@smugwinchester.com

No, but recognise that (ii) is at least a tacit admission to the natural hiatus that exists in the common descriptive. Only if you insist…

AND DISCOVER THE SECRET MESSAGE! CASTLE _ _ _ _ SAKE HEIGH-HO! _ _ _ _ _ _ DOLLAR MAGDALEN _ _ _ _ FORT ONLY _ _ _ _ _ BEING

Reward

LIME _ _ _ _ _ INSECT

2016 SMUG subscription

No/Yes No/No

FIND THE CONNECTING WORDS THAT FINISH THE FIRST WORD AND START THE SECOND…

Answer in the Small ads

You couldn’t make your mouth work

MAKE YOUR OWN MONDRIAN

Spirit 3. God is not dead - our case has merely been passed over to a committee for review, but it is not going well … What part have you played in this? ……………………………………… ……………………………………… ……………………………………… ……………………………………… …........................................................ Best published in next issue of SMUG. Send by 31st March to editor@smugwinchester.com

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THE FUTURE

HORRORSCOPE by Lady Arcana IN HONOUR of my cousin Geoff, who is also a qualified astrologer, I am conducting an experiment. We both dispute suggestions that people who read horoscopes have no faith in astrologers, but are simply seeking confirmation of what they already believe, or evidence of want they want to believe. Does this apply to you below? AERIE

Mar

- pr

Child of the cosmos and embryo of the zodiac sac, you know much, but should say very little. Wear red today, but discreetly. TORUS

pr 1 - May 1

Stubborn to the end, no matter what folk tell you, you will not listen. So don’t and see what happens (I know ...). Touch an opal if you can. JIMINY

May 22 - June 22

An unbalanced day, neither here nor there. Best to stay in bed and try and get entred. a e no noti e o ashing lights and sirens. CONQUER

une

- uly

Home-loving, but torn also with wanderlust and pillage angst, best you get out and build a bonfire. Adopt a tiger.

LEE-HO!

uly

- ug

Sunny and spiteful in equal measures, so too will they be whom you cross - so think twice and then do it anyway. Smile if caught out. VIRAGO

ug

- Sep

Weary of sob stories, you may be tempted to just give money rather than really address the underlying issues. Don’t drink. LIB-BRA

Sep

- Oct

Don’t let things get you down - up and perky, that’s what the world wants of you today! Failing that, dribbling and random laughter will keep most folk at arms length. SCRAPPY

Oct 24 - Nov 22

The minor planet conjunction could bring news, but of little use as it happened three weeks ago. Best to go wrap up your spring bulbs.

SADGITAREAS

ov

-

Grumpiness is not appealing, neither is dictatorship or the command for absolute obedience. Cool it man. Check your toenail clippings collection as a matter of urgency. CAPRIHORN

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Stop it! Some STDs stay with us for life, but that is just about the best we can hope for with you lot. An embarrassment to the zodiac. AQUEERIUS

Jan 21 - Feb 19

o ith the o is fine until you hit the eir. Beware guru-knownothings. Buy pork bellies and sell jelly lots. PIXIES

Feb 20 - Mar 20

The scale of things may frighten you, but armed with a foot-pump you - of all the signs - are surely up to the challenge? Keep the figure of a mouse nearby at all times.

YOUR SAY Send us your predictions for 2016 on: Date first brick of any proposed Silver Hill development will be laid ate o ne t ood in

in hester

Next ‘hugely significant historical artefact found in Winchester Date next Winchester hairdresser opens Date when next Winchester hairdresser goes under Date when River Park Leisure Centre move to Bar End announced What will be built to replace the River Park Leisure Centre? Send to: yoursay@smugwinchester.com A Selection of predictions posted in on the SMUG website

Monday 12.03 pm by Mark Michael, 56cm x 60cm acrylic and giclée on canvas, £850. imited edition gicl e print on Fole archival paper £110. Contact: art smug inchester.com

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1st edition 2016

Now open for entries!

The 5th annual

4-12 NOVEMBER 2016 Submission deadline: 1 October 2016 Early Bird deadline: 31 July 2016 For more information please visit: winchestershortfilmfestival.com Or follow: /WinchesterShortFilmFest @ WinchesterFilm @_wsff_ Image courtesy Rupert Cresswell, Dir. “Charlie Cloudhead”, 2015 WSFF entry

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Why SMUG? (Continued from page 3) YES, the old frog and the scorpion are facets of the same duplicitous psyche of the Wintonian. The old frog represents the smug, dutiful, moral and benevolent face of the Wintonian. The scorpion is the irreverent, gossiping and potentially back-stabbing side. (The Jekyll and Hyde in all of us?) What has this to do with why a satire magazine called SMUG has sprouted up in Winchester? Well, it’s a question of balance, or rather a consequence of our innate human craving for balance, and Winchester is simply too much frog and not enough scorpion. Don’t just take our word for it. Winchester City Council has even called upon itself to address the imbalance by creating a four year Cultural Strategy that is supposed to give Winchester a more vibrant and contemporary reputation, to add to that of being a world heritage site. The aim of SMUG, then, is to help the ‘City’ address this imbalance by giving the scorpion in us all a long awaited and, in our view, much needed outlet to express itself. NOT to hurt, injure, drown or usurp the old frog. The sting in our tail is not poisonous, We just want to make the old frog in us jump. To help it embrace uncertainty, take more risks, be more spontaneous. To question ourselves more. To be less intolerably complacent, less self-congratulatory and less certain of our moral superiority. Less smug. If you happen to empathize with our cause, and can afford it, please help us to keep Winchester on its toes by contributing to our SMUG Appeal (to your right). Or simply donate whatever you can at: www.smugwinchester.com We need help and are truly grateful for any we get.

APPEAL SMUG is one of the finest, and only, works of contemporary satire that Winchester Film & Art CIC have ever produced. It is one of Winchester Film & Art’s greatest treasures and for far too long a period it has been tucked away in the minds and imaginations of a few curious Wintonians, and written by an even smaller percentage of those. A crucial part of our Appeal is creating, reproducing and selling SMUG so that Wintonians such as you and I can continue to laugh at ourselves and enable future generations to benefit from our sense of humour. CAN YOU HELP? We are looking for 32 people to give £32 to create the 32 pages that make up a SMUG edition. Or a single donation of £1,024 by a very generous individual. Gifts of any amount can also be made. The names of all the donors ‘sponsoring a page’ will not be recorded in a special volume not held in the premises of Winchester Film & Art CIC and not acknowledged with a full colour, limited edition print of one of SMUG’s pages. Though donors will be invited to be an honorary Knight or Lady of the SMUG Round Table (with pseudonym to boot), a futile and meaningless title, but a title all the same. Plus it will give donors that feel good factor of knowing, secretly, that they are part responsible for the ‘work’ that SMUG strives to do. HOW TO DONATE All donations can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com For a personal conversation contact the editor Lady Wench at editor@smugwinchester.com

Thank you. Warmest, The editor editor@smugwinchester.com

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SMUG SMALL ADS SMUG CHALLENGE

There are three authentic ads on this page. Identify them all and we’ll give the person who sends the first correct answer a free ‘centred box ad with 20 words’ in the next edition of SMUG. Email by 31st March to: ads@smugwinchester.com

SMUG LOVE Man in love seeks woman to do it to. No paedos. BOX. YES! SPOUSE EXCHANGE SCHEME A 6-month minimum commitment, offering a great chance to see the world. Meet Fridays in the Wykeham Arms, between 9pm and 10pm. Wear red rose. TALL, HANDSOME BEARDED MAN Huge upside-down sword and substantial shield, which I am willing to share. Seeking rescue from dull plinth life. Need haircut. No birdshit. Email: kingalfred@fedupstatue.co.uk

HOLIDAY RENTS Maison Annabel A shady haven in the south of France lovingly prepared for you Private courtyard with small pool 5 bedrooms

FOR SALE TOFF TOFFEES Discarded boiled sweets sucked once by prep school boys Bargain £1 bargain@tofftoffees.co.uk 100% Genuine Alfred’s pants and his socks 01962 8838832 SMUG MUG! Will cause a stir on the High Street. Comes with free handle. Email: Smug@moneyforoldrope.co.uk

NEED RAT BOY seeks own apartment whilst awaiting Silver Hill affordable homes development. Doctor Boy, Nurse Teacher and Caroline Carer in similar position. Help from City Councillors not likely. BOX: LOLOAQICI82QB4IP.

BECOME AN EXPERT 4-WHEEL DRIVER! Take the The Winchester Advanced Test (T.W.A.T.) and learn to block lanes, peer rudely out of tinted windows and run over cyclists! A unique opportunity to become one of the set, improve your genital dynamics and feel smug. Email: gasguzzlers@bigtyres.com

EARN £££££!! Use your loft to store SYRIAN migrants loftsforsyrians@gov.co.uk 012134 249345 SAME OLD, same old? New Old for old ‘Olde’. Chance for up-and-coming NIMBYs to take over from the stuffy old guard. Join DTRNOLMI (‘DESTROY THE ROTARIAN NETWORK OR LET ME IN’). For the deludedly ambitious or mentally vacant only. BOX: We all end up in one.

PRINT & DESIGN

SERVICES SHGCSU Shawford Home for the Gently Confused and Slighty Unnerving. “Non insanus, non interessant” Contact: Dr. F. Crane BOX 616

STRUNG OUT on coffee? Pate de Fois Grumps? Pizza stuffed to the eyeballs? Suffering Tiramisery? Visit ‘The Nightshelter’ and see how all your leftovers and unwanted food might be used if you gave a single moment’s thought to, or had an ounce of compassion for the undeserved plight of others. Stay the weekend and see how you cope with having to be on the streets all day with no money!? BOX: Make sure there is something in it! Mental Maths: Aprrox 44 minutes per day

EXPERTS

OPPORTUNITIES

HAVE YOU had to attend an arts festival recently? Was it any good? Can you remember which one? Do you even know how many there are? Why doesn’t anyone organise these things properly? BO : MYStified

CHARITY www.maisonannabel.com

1st edition 2016

ART Mark Michael “The Basquiat of the twentyfirst century” Karen Lappon SMUG’s recommended artist

www.markmichaelart.com Secret Message: Keep Silver Hill Human Scale

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To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads £3 per word £15 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1/16 page - £50, 1/8 Page - £80, 1/4 - £150, 1/2 page - £275, Full page standard - £350, Full page inside front/back cover gloss - £450, Full page back cover - £650

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mug

Your brown paper bag, under the counter mag

Our mission is to stop Winchester from disappearing up its own self-important bottom. To this end, our staff will do their utmost to carry on fearlessly reporting hearsay, relaying half-truths and compounding rumour with fabrication. Never ever will we let facts get in the way of a good story..

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mug No.22 Issue

!

!

SMUG ISSN 2398-3930 !

! ! £3.50! £3.50 ! ! at least least at ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Helping keep Winchester from ! ! Helping keep Winchester from ! disappearing ! ! its own ownbottom bottom up its ! disappearin up ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Includes
 ! ! ! Exclusive interview with leader of !the ‘revolutionary’ ! ! Wintonia !Independent Secessionist ! ! Party! ! ! ! !Investigative Dig! on ‘unethical’ ! ! !Winchester App: From A to B ! ! ! ! ! ! Guilt Free! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! WINCHESTER’S FIRST N S S S 34 SATIRICAL MAGAZINE N !


No.2 2016

smugwinchester.com

O ...here we are, again, “helping to keep Winchester from disappearing up its own bottom”. According to our masked distributor of SMUG leaflets, our mission to extricate Winchester from its own behind prompted more than a chuckle or two, several jovial “I think you’re a tad late, mate” and one “I’m a proctologist and I’m telling you, you’re wasting your time. It’s chronic.” One notable exception was a certain well known High Street phone shop, whom I’ll refer to here as Phones4U, for that is their name. Before our masked leafleteer could utter the words, “Don’t be alarmed, I’m not a jihadist”, he was ordered to raise his hands above his head and to retreat backwards out of the shop. Once across the threshold, our middle class-hero slowly bent down and placed his weapon the leaflet on the ground uttering the words, “Careful, it’s loaded”, which went down well with the slightly bewildered looking crowd that had gathered outside, though two days later on the morning of 22nd February 2016, not quite so well with the security guard on Platform 1 of Winchester Station. Oops! Such are the times we live in. Only for Winchester, likely threats do not include jihadi terrorists targeting phone shops (though to be fair to the staff at Phones4U, bless them, they were no doubt simply following procedures drummed into them on their induction day paint ball bonding session . Still, Winchester is not completely immune to rebellion, except that which threatens Winchester is not from abroad, but from within. Winchester is politely rebelling against itself. Take a look at the evidence. For a start, there’s the newly formed Winchester Independents, a party that is political but not a political party because their aim is to take party politics out of local government. That’s right, no more Labour, Conservative, Lib Dem or Greens - only ‘independents’ who propose to run Winchester by reverting to a committee system that is all about listening to what the populace want, while at all times adhering to the Bell Principles I’d never hear of them either , which basically means being open, honest, selfless and inclusive. A kind of Radical Idealism if you like,

which sounds quite threatening in its own way. Then there is the also newly formed Wintonia Independent Secessionist Party, or WISPa as they like to call themselves. You can’t get more radical or idealistic than creating a new country. The party leader, Will Savage, may have yet to confirm what the borders of the new Wintonia will be, nor whether the recently discovered hoard of Saxon coins will be used as the country’s currency, but once the much anticipated governing philosophy is finally published, the inevitable referendum on secession from the UK will shake Winchester to its very core. Then there is us. SMUG. Not radical perhaps, nor idealistic, but the fact that more and more people are buying SMUG is evidence to suggest that there is an increasing appetite among Wintonians for a little self-examination and, for the smuggest among us, even some light self-flagellation. Admittedly, the fact that more people are buying SMUG doesn’t mean that every page turned prompts a guffaw, a belly laugh or a tingling sensation caused by a metaphorical spank. Also witnessed have been disapproving frowns, angry tuts and groans of disbelief. For some, SMUG is too close to the knuckle. For others, it is not hard hitting enough. Some think it should be smaller to more easily fit through the letter box, and cheaper than, say, a flat white. With such varied and opposing reactions, what is an editor to do? Well, in my case, absolutely nothing. We at SMUG champion differences of opinion, embrace contradictions and positively revel in discord. SMUG is not here to provide answers, but to pose questions and ignite debate. But above all to make you laugh - or at the very least to prompt a little therapeutic smile of recognition. We certainly don’t expect you to agree with everything you read. Some of the content might even irk you. But in the words of our very own satire artist Mark Michael, “laugh or cry, giggle or flinch, we really don’t mind as long as you feel something”. Anything to keep Winchester alive and kicking. Editor, Lady Wench

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APPEAL The writers and illustrators who contribute to SMUG do so with no financial reward. By using pseudonyms, nor do we seek recognition. We simply want to keep our beautiful city from disappearing up its own bottom by prompting the people of Winchester, you and I, to laugh at ourselves. We call it funny therapy. A crucial part of our Appeal is creating, reproducing and distributing SMUG so that we can continue laughing at ourselves and enable future generations to benefit from the fact that we don’t take ourselves too seriously. CAN YOU HELP? We are looking for 32 people to give £32 to create the 32 pages that make up a SMUG edition. Or a single donation of £1,024 by a very generous individual. Gifts of any amount, no matter how small, are gratefully accepted. The names of all the donors ‘sponsoring a page’ will NOT be recorded in a special volume and NOT acknowledged with a full colour, limited edition print of one of SMUG’s pages. As a donor you will, however, be invited to be an honorary Knight or Lady of the SMUG Round Table, a futile and meaningless title, but a title all the same. Plus it will give you that feel good factor of knowing, secretly, that you are part responsible for the ‘work’ that SMUG strives to do.

No.2 2016

Order your next copy of SMUG online NOW!

Signed limited edition prints of front cover artwork by Mark Michael

www.smugwinchester.com

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mug No.3

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! ! ! ! ! Helping keep Winchester from ! disappearing up its own bottom ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

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£3.50! at least

WINCHESTER’S FIRST SATIRICAL MAGAZINE

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YOUR SAY WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor Max 2 0 words . We also welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it poses a question, reveals a useful ‘truth’, ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw.

HOW TO DONATE All donations can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com For a personal conversation contact the editor Lady Wench: editor@smugwinchester.com

Stamp design by Mark Michael If you live in Winchester City and order your next copy of SMUG online, our SMUG stamp will ensure that your copy will be hand delivered before you can say “Isn’t it illegal to print unauthorized stamps?”

Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request.

SMUG EDITORIAL Fancy contributing? editor@smugwinchester.com

ORDER NEXT SMUG EDITION Order at: www.smugwinchester.com Enquiries: editor@smugwinchester.com

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Your response to anything at all letters@smugwinchester.com

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We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements.

Published by WFA CIC, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, SO23 8SR Printed by Sarsen Press Cover art: Mark Michael www.markmichaelart.com Illustrator: jam jam, naustbakken Web development: Matthew Clarson Design consultant: Mace King

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No.2 2016

NEWS IN BRIEF Too many barbers not enough hair to go round, claims salon owner IBM middle-manager found to be ‘faking job’ for 1 years hort film society mounts exhibition of still photographs or ‘very short films’ Museum archive accused of making up history High Street busker fined for inferior cadenza Twyford man dies of terminal boredom Student LBGT body elects new ‘Chair Thing’ Sofa shop must end sale ‘really must end’ say customers

Winchester station voted smuggest of all By our Station Correspondent Leif Sontheline Winchester’s friendly station has been voted Smuggest in the Land in a new survey published in the Smugday Times. Station Manager Mr. F. Controller, said, ‘this is great news for Gordon the Blue Engine, who has always maintained a thoroughly smug outlook towards trucks and luggage and shunts them around at will when the fancy takes him. It’s recognition for his free-spirited ‘take it or leave it’ attitude’. A spokesperson for Slow Wet Trains, who was questioned as to why he had won the award said ‘get off our property you slimy bald git’.

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Cinema refurb to include one single mega-waterbed SCREEN enthusiasts will today be excited by the news that the local ‘art’ cinema at Winchester is to upgrade its services again. In a move designed to attract a younger, more “sharing” audience, the cinema is removing its previously installed sofas and seating in favour of one wall-to-wall, 0ft x 90ft, water bed. The venue is setting its sights on an ambitious plan to enhance the cinema experience with customers being able to recline, relax, loll and spread out at will on a water bed specially commissioned from a local bouncy castle manufacturer. Manager Monty de Niro said: “Individual seats are so old-fashioned. Why share with one person when you can share with the entire audience? By bringing all our customers together and allowing everyone the opportunity to slump next to everyone else at the same time we’re doing what we can for a ‘sharing’ economy. And with tickets at a reasonably priced 3 , that means mostly our economy.”

Cinema: Now a truly immersive experience The new upgrade now projects films onto the ceiling and viewers have the choice to ignore it entirely while chatting, flirting, sexting and having tactile fun with their neighbours, while enjoying freshly prepared ciabatta and Chilean Merlot “We just throw in the organic brownies and some gluten-free popcorn and let it all kick off” explained de Niro. “Just like the ball pool down at the leisure centre.”

Cathedral to get ‘much needed’ re-modelling FOLLOWING our award-winning investigative scoop of top secret council plans in the last edition of Smug, Winchester Cathedral, originally founded in 642, is at long last to get a make-over with a radical architectural ‘vision’ that’s attracting not a little controversy. A consortium of local award-winning architectural firms presented their designs over a year ago for an ambitious re-modelling of the historic site and now town planners are nearing agreement.

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TV’s celebrity architect Kevin Macleod from ‘Grand Designs’ is an enthusiastic supporter: “It’s about time too” he said. “Let’s face it, the cathedral is just a big old empty church and a bit of a medieval eyesore, frankly. It could do with bringing into the 21st century.” Council planners are however expecting the new design will meet strong local resistance and a consultation and public meeting is scheduled later this year in the Guildhall where water cannons will be stationed.


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Vinovirus epidemic Latest A-Level creates bottle glut results ‘like, THERE is growing concern in Winchester totally sick’ says over an outbreak of the so-called a deadly illness that causes new headmaster ‘vinovirus’, people to laugh outrageously loudly at

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AMIDST fears of declining educational standards nationwide, the head of a leading Winchester school is celebrating A-level results that have once again exceeded previous years’ records. Simon Cheese, the newly appointed headmaster of Winchester’s foremost state school was delighted that his students had excelled this year and attributed the improvement to the introduction of controversial ‘brain-enhancing’ teaching methods in the classroom. Accompanied by a his own ‘drum ‘n’ bass’ groove on his own ‘beat box’, Mr Cheese addressed the school assembly earlier in a carefully worded message to his staff delivered in the form of a rap: “Bruv, w’happen? We got our Outstandin’ Ofsted report innit and I was like, whoa!! you me and the guys we all like nailed it yeh? So me and my bitch get us some weed and get like down with year Eleven and give it some, amirite? ” Despite the overall improvement in exam results, school governors are understood to be unhappy with the head’s performance and are currently searching for a replacement. They were unavailable for comment.

dinner parties and to hug each other at the end of evening and say “we must do this again”. We can exclusively reveal that the cause of this virus is a substance known as ‘wine’ – a dangerous European import. Evidence of the epidemic is plain to see all over the city: places calling themselves ‘pubs’, ‘bars’, ‘cafés’ and ‘restaurants’, have been found to have huge secret stashes of empty bottles. In addition, ordinary people are now said to be accumulating large bins full of these filthy glass objects. The epidemic has grown so bad that the newly elected Council has been asked what it is going to do about it. One local wag suggested that the city was going to be renamed ‘Clinkchester’ in honour of the huge amount of glass. The Council responded by saying that they would ‘leave a few over-filled plastic containers dotted around the place in pubs and smelly old car parks – people can take their bottles there and chuck ‘em in’ Residents in Clinkchester are up in arms – one unnamed red-cheeked lady said: ‘It’s awful. You stagger out and pile the bloody things up in your side return until you can’t take it any more, summon up the energy to take them to the bottle dump, and then spend hours trying to cram bottles into overfull-slightly-toohigh-to-reach containers, getting dribbles of six week old prosecco all over your cardigan. It’s utterly ghastly.’ People who aren’t keen on taking bottles to such unpleasant places have taken to dumping them in their neighbours’ trash, even disguising the tell-tale ‘clink’ of the bottles by covering them in old socks. A man, who used to live in a place called ‘London’, suggested that the Council organise for the bottles to be collected from people’s homes and businesses and taken away to safe havens to be ‘recycled’ into new glass objects, ‘just like they used to do in my former home, twenty years ago’. All emails to the Council were bounced back with the message: ‘sorry, gone to the pub’.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“If I see a single trestle table go up on my road come June I’ll have my hose out in a trice.” ide ce o

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No.2 2016

NEWS IN BRIEF Westgate schoolboy invents 4D printer, gets job in other dimension Con-artist shopped by his poor grammar and pronunciation Robbers’ getaway car stuck in one way traffic Glut of estate agents blamed for hair gel shortage Round Table “110% authentic and 109 round” claims tourist board Magazine provides ‘vital satirical service’ claims new local magazine Interfaith group loses all hope, closes coffee mornings

New train service to ‘beat delays’ We’ve all heard it. We’ve all sighed inwardly as the announcer says: ‘buses will replace trains on all services after 8 o’clock’. But now, a brand new inishitive by Slow Wet Trains is being launched, aimed at beating the delays caused by the ‘bus replacement service’. Called the ‘Bus Replacement Replacement service’, the new scheme will see passengers taken from the replacement buses and placed on specially designed carriages, which run on pre-existing rails within the Slow Wet Trains area. These carriages are said by one Marketing Manager ‘to be infinitely faster and bigger than buses. Why they hadn’t thought of it first, no-one knows’. Although there will still be delays, as passengers are first of all herded onto the buses, and then onto the ‘carriages’, the overall journey will be ‘much faster – although you might have to remind the driver of the right route’. Passengers are also advised that ‘some of their luggage might not fit’. The new ‘rail’ route takes advantage of special SWT tunnels and bridges as well as some well-placed ‘stations’. Should this system break down, the Marketing Bods at SWT have come up with a contingency plan. Called the Bus Replacement Replacement Replacement Service’, the new scheme will see…. (that’s enough replacements, Ed.)


No.2 2016

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University celebrates record number of overseas ‘loaded’ students CHAMPAGNE corks were popping in Winchester university staff rooms yesterday as local authorities estimated that more overseas students than ever would be registering for the coming academic year. Said a spokesperson, “We’re delighted to welcome a record number of sons and daughters of affluent Asian families and are overjoyed that they want to come and spend their cash - sorry, study hard - in our great historic city. We’re especially looking forward to greeting this new intake and their bank balances because owing to austerity measures the top management tier here is struggling to survive on £200k per annum and hasn’t had a pay rise in the last six months. Every little helps.”

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Authorities judge city’s diversity quota as ‘just right’ CRITICISM of Winchester’s population diversity has been addressed by a special committee of councillors who set out last year to address the perceptions of the city as being “permanently and homogeneously white” according to the findings of a recent national study. Alderman Lenny Pringle, 3, English, white, male, semi-retired IT manager, said: “Look, we’ve got everything just as we want it here. And we don’t want anything to upset the balance we’ve achieved over years of social planning. We’re promoting that fact in our literature and through every one of our community outreach programmes stretching all the way to Alresford.” Pringle went on to say that Winchester was a booming city for young families and a promising place to live for every type of social class and all ethnicities. “Why, only last week, a nice Romanian chap applied for a resident’s parking permit in Stanmore, a family from the Ivory Coast are renting a room in Winnall and don’t forget all the Asian students up at the uni uncomplainingly spending their parents’ money in the city all year round.” OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“She’s not from Winchester. She looks foreign.”

Pringle maintained that the committee’s survey was a scientifically-rigorous analysis of the situation and defended its findings. “All things considered, with the immigrant crisis the way it is, we think that the mix of races, creeds and ethnicities in Winchester has reached the ideal Goldilocks co-efficient of not too much, not too little, but just about right.”

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Amazing show of press power as Chronicle backs new mag THE EDITOR of SMUG, the new magazine aiming to keep Winchester life and folk real, admitted in a BBC interview that he was “left breathless with gratitude” and, indeed, “fell to his knees in wondrous thanks” for the extraordinary support and help the local press had offered, completely unprompted, on hearing of the launch of the magazine. “It was just unbelievable, I really couldn’t take it in” the Editor said, “to have such immense backing and support from the vast industrial combine and press conglomerate that is the Chron, a paper whose influence is felt almost nowhere in the world, was truly humbling, and I can only think that there are greater powers at play in bringing about this perhaps small, but still significant, achievement.” Somewhat choked with emotion, the Editor explained that he had battled against sloth, greed and a complete lack of interest in order to bring about the publication of this excoriating look at the dark side of King Alfred’s capital where, despite being home to the foundations of the English language, most of those interviewed on the street for this story only had “no comment” as their answer. “Bottom right on page Right under one of the most exciting sections in the whole paper, the latest local planning applications...I still cannot believe it, especially considering that the Sunday Times May 1 only dedicated double the space to SMUG” said the now openly weeping Editor as security men gently removed him from the offices of the Chronicle.

ot too itt e ut co ittee

OVERHEARD in THE GREEN MAN

“That was lovely.” “Aren’t you going to leave a tip? It’s lunchtime.” “What?! You don’t have to tip at lunchtime.” “Mother was right about you.” t

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No.2 2016

SMUG EXCLUSIVE Will Savage, leader of the Wintonia Independent Secessionist Party (WISPa), talks to our political correspondent, Jody Redmires, on the party’s plans for Winchester to secede from the United Kingdom. Listen to the live interview at www.smugwinchester.com JR: Will Savage, you’ve been campaigning for several weeks now on this issue. How’s it going?

JR: W.A.N.C are part of Org ASM? WS: Probably safer to say that W.A.N.C aspire to Org ASM. JR: But surely it boils down to trade economics. Won’t Wintonia have to import nearly everything? WS: Jody, you are forgetting that we will have a near-monopoly on the global supply of watercress.

“We will have a near-monopoly on the global supply of watercress”

WS: Great...we already have 6,000 signatures on a petition to be presented to Westminster in the autumn calling for a referendum on the secession of Winchester from the UK. We were the Capital City of England whilst London was still draining its marshes. It’s time we became the capital of our own lands again...even Bishop’s Waltham.

Once the rest of the world realises we can hold them to ransom, they will soon come crawling back to the negotiating table. ‘The law of comparative advantage’ simple economics 101, Mr Redmires… look it up on Wiki-wotsits if you don’t believe me.

JR: And when would such a referendum most likely take place?

WS: It’s simple irresponsible scaremongering. Look around you at the wealth of resources and draw your own conclusions. We have a balance between primary industry watercress and hogs , tertiary industry IBM and urich and we manufacture just as many motor vehicles as they do in Sussex. And no one’s exactly calling Brighton a sink estate, are they? In fact Winnall is Winchester’s very own Wolverhampton.

WS: Sometime in the summer of 2017… probably on St Swithin’s Day. That would be rather appropriate, don’t you think? JR: And this calls for complete economic and political sovereignty? WS: Of course. The clue is in the name – Independence! We won’t be playing at independence, like the UK does with the EU.

JR: So, you think Org ASM are faking it?

“Winnall is Winchester’s very own Wolverhampton”

JR: Are you not afraid of the effect on the local economy if we secede?

JR: What...you mean dull, characterless and no–one wants to go there?

WS: Oh, don’t fall for the rubbish peddled by those project fear types.

WS: Now, now, I think you know what I mean Jody - a hive of industry, and the jewel in our manufacturing crown. Plus, we will have the tourism revenues. People come for miles to look at a University Lecture Hall with fibre-glass sheep on it. And we’ve got Colden Common, which is a bit like Hyde Park.

“Don’t fall for the rubbish peddled by those project fear types” They are the same ones who put the willies up Scottish kilts in 2014 when the Jocks wanted out, and who are now saying that the UK can’t cope without the EU. It’s complete claptrap. There is a well bankrolled and coordinated Organisation of Anti-Secessionist Movements… we call them Org ASM. And under their umbrella are the Winchester Anti Nationalist Co-operative, or W.A.N.C”.

“And we’ve got Colden Common, which is a bit like Hyde Park” And if you want to witness the real authentic ‘changing of the guard’, you can nip down to Winnall Community Centre on any given Monday night and see the Yoga class handing over the keys to the Chess Club.

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JR: OK …what about migration: How would WISPa feel about Wintonia accepting its share of Syrian refugees? WS: We are not against it ‘in principle’. But we have to get our own house in order first. JR: What exactly do you mean by that? WS: I mean that there is a skeleton in the closet, an elephant in the room on our very own doorstep that we have to deal with first. Everyone is thinking it but only a brave few are coming out to say it. JR: An elephant on the doorstep of our closet??? And that would be..? WS: or years now, it’s been difficult to walk down Southgate Street, Jewry Street or the upper reaches of the High Street without bumping into estate agency employees. The view of WISPa is that this swarm of Basingstoke–based commuters is not one of genuine refugees, but of mere economic migrants. Let’s face it you can’t even flick your cigarette stub away these days without setting fire to one of them. But once we have passport control at Micheldever, the problem goes away. JR: You want to get rid of estate agencies? WS: No, just migrant estate agent workers. More jobs for Wintonians that way! Napoleon said that Britain was a nation of shopkeepers. Wintonia can be a nation of estate agents!

“Wintonia can be a nation of estate agents!” JR: But surely resident Wintonians don’t want to be estate agents…aren’t they too busy commuting to Waterloo to go and earn the big bucks? WS: Exactly it’s a brain-drain I intend to address. That passport control at Michedever I mentioned?... Well, it’s going to work in both directions. That way, instead of short-selling us all the way to another 2008, those hedge-fund boys can do more useful things – like taking photographs of bathrooms and kitchens in Stanmore…and coming up with creative phrases such as “Stunning views over Badger Farm”.


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JR: I see…can we turn now to the little matter of currency? Obviously we won’t be using pounds-sterling…so, are we joining the Eurozone? WS: Absolutely not! A team of archaeologists from our very own University recently uncovered an ancient horde of Saxon coins up on Compton Down, so we are going to use those. Cute little things they are, with holes in the middle…a bit like launderette tokens - in fact, Professor Hill, the Principal Investigator, thinks they probably are Saxon launderette tokens. JR: Defence will be worrying a few people, Will. Wintonia can’t afford Trident. We can’t even afford to keep a surface naval deterrent. WS: But we will have Worthy Down barracks. Anyway Jody, if Trump gets into the White House it won’t matter one bit whether we’ve got a Corvette moored at Portsmouth or a tin bathtub moored by the Bishop on the bloody Bridge, because that mad redneck is going to start WW3, don’t you think?

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WS: sighs It must be wonderful living inside your head with the Easter bunny and the sugar plum fairy, Jody. But we politicians have to deal with the real world. DNA testing is a facet of modern life. It is both cheap and quick. With a little luck, we’ll find a natural successor whose blood lineage goes all the way back to Alfred. R: You have already mentioned that Bishops Waltham and Micheldever will lie within the new Wintonia. Where else do your boundaries extend to? WS: To the south-west we are going as far as Chandlers Ford, but only to the Central Club. That way we don’t cop for another kebab shop in our manor. To the West, we will retain Hursley because we need the tax revenues from IBM, but we are not taking Romsey under our wing…no way.

JR: You mentioned the changing of the guard earlier. This brings us to the thorny issue of monarchy. Lots of Wintonians love our current monarch. Will you be pledging allegiance to the throne? WS: As long as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II remains monarch, Wintonia will remain loyal. But as to who her successor might be, let’s just say we have reservations. I’m trying to be diplomatic here, I hope you understand – it’s not that Charles is a bad person or anything, but JR: (interrupts quickly): Er yes, I think I’m right with you! That being the case, what’s ‘Plan B’? WS: We at WISPa believe that the biological successor to King Alfred probably still lives within the borders of the current district. Let’s face it, he probably slept with a few local wenches. We want to find a descendant of such activity. We would like to find that person by performing a Cinderella-test. Anyone, resident within the current border, wishing to lay claim to the throne can turn up to a static caravan outside of St Peters on Jewry St. where their claim will be tested. JR: A Cinderella test? Let me guess… you’re going to try to put a glass slipper on their feet?

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nd finally ill, any ideas on a national anthem? WS: We need to move with the times and demonstrate that we are not conservative old fuddy-duddies. So we our inviting the new generation to send in their lyrics and tunes. If anyone out there is a budding songwriter or musician, we’d love to hear from you. JR: Will Savage, thank you and good luck. JODY REDMIRES, reporting for SMUG www.jodyredmires.com @jredmires

YOUR SAY If you would like to have your say on anything relating to WISPa, please send to editor@smugwinchester.com


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New app for Winchester: From A to B Guilt Free. How ethical is it? Investigative dig by SMUG undercover reporter IMAGINE, if you can, walking from Barclays Bank in Jewry Street to Sainsbury’s at the bottom of town without being asked for spare change by a homeless person, or for a ‘minute of your time’ by a charity fundraiser. With the launch in July this year of the new app From A to B Guilt Free, you’ll be able to do just that. By simply keying in where you want to go from and to in Winchester, the app will plot for you a ‘guilt-free’ route by ensuring you avoid ‘the pleadings of the needy’. You’ll even be able to choose between the ‘most scenic guilt free route’ and the ‘quickest’. But how ethical is the new app? One local councillor is calling it ‘an affront on the right to earn a living,’ arguing that it directly impacts on the livelihoods of ‘street workers’ who rely on the generosity of passers-by. SMUG asked the public what they thought about the new app. Opinion was divided. Daily commuter Ben Wicks says: “It’s a great idea. Now I won’t have to pretend I’m engaged in deep conversation on my mobile phone every time I go through the station underpass.” Serial shopper Ann Spring was less welcoming: “Why should I take a longer route to the shops? I’m happy to get rid of my loose change if it means more retail therapy.” Ruth Argot, a self-styled do-gooder fumed: “It’s despicable. Anyone would think the whole idea was a hoax. Those poor unfortunates whom the app helps people avoid should be made more visible, not invisible! They are not lepers, after all. Quite frankly, I feel insulted. It implies that we Wintonians don’t care about the plight of the needy when, in fact, we care deeply.” Mr String, a spokesperson from the company behind the app, Easy Life Ltd, was unperturbed by SMUG’s findings, claiming that a ‘private poll’ carried out by the company showed that 8 out of 10 people in Winchester would welcome the app. Said Mr String, “Regardless of what people say in public, most Wintonians are fed up with being unable to go for so much as a stroll without being accosted by someone with a malnourished dog making them feel bad, or approached by a suspiciously chirpy twenty-somethingor face-to-face fundraisers as they like to

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call themselves - asking for your bank details. And let’s not forget, many of the ‘street dwellers’ the app helps users avoid are ‘rogue beggars’ - professional fraudsters for whom begging is a ‘lifestyle choice’ because it provides a good income, despite receiving benefits and not being homeless. Some conpeople make up to £200 a day, one of which is known to have an address in Hyde Street. Our city neighbour Southampton certainly isn’t shying away from the problem. Responding to resident’s complaints about begging and street drinking, the City Council’s cabinet gave their approval to introduce Public Space Protection Orders PSPOs in five areas of the city. A whopping 73% of those who responded to the initial consultation agreed with the proposal. So let’s not kid ourselves, if there isn’t a similar problem in Winchester, why is there a proposal to put ‘sleepers’ in doorways if not to get rid of beggars? Our app is not trying to get rid of anybody. In fact, we take our social responsibilities very seriously and envisage giving a percentage of any profits from the app to a selection of ‘authentic’ homeless people and charity fundraisers. Mr. String would not reveal exactly what percentage the company would share, though he was happy to say how the app would benefit Winchester businesses. “Anyone who cares about Winchester should be thrilled about the app. Tourists may tolerate beggars and charity workers in 3rd World countries, but they don’t expect to be confronted with them in the Jewel of Hampshire.” However, when asked how the app manages to locate transitory homeless people

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and fundraisers, Mr. String was less forthcoming: “We have tested the app and it works. If I told you how, everyone would be doing it.” So how does the app locate its ‘targets’? SMUG went undercover in search of an answer. Under the guise of a homeless person drawn to Winchester after hearing that Tatler rates it as ‘the best City to be homeless in the UK’, no sooner had I unrolled my sleeping bag in an empty Parchment Street doorway than a man introducing himself as Dog Rope approached me. Claiming to be part of the Homeless Co-operative, Mr. Rope slipped a mobile phone into my pocket. “It’s a welcome gift,” he clarified. “Keep hold of it and keep it charged at all times. You won’t be able to make calls from it, but you’ll receive notifications about police whereabouts.” Could such mobile phones be the location devices that enables the app to locate its ‘targets’? Every homeless person and charity fundraiser seems to have one. A closer look at the company behind the app, Easy Life Ltd, lends credence to the theory. Two of its directors are also founders of the recently formed Homeless Co-operative and Fundraisers Corporation, one of whom goes by the name of Catherine Cord. Cat Cord, Dog Rope, Mr. String. Surely not a coincidence. If these three individuals are connected and the mobile phone ‘gifts’ are location devices, the ethicality of the app, not to mention the legality of it, is surely questionable. The Jury is still out.

YOUR SAY If you have an opinion about the issue of ‘street dwellers’, ‘face-toface fundraisers’ and the new app, or have information relevant to this investigation, we’d love to hear from you. Please send to: editor@smugwinchester.com Contributor’s details can be withheld from publication on request.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“On the contrary, it’s not arrogance, it’s about sending a message.”


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Dear SMUG

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John Chisler, 63, Financier, “They’re just for long haired layabouts. It’s not real music like Puccini. Those Rolling Stones caused chaos in the Hyde Tavern. Absolute disgrace.”

WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor Max 2 0 words . Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Send to: letters@smugwinchester.com Dear SMUG

Judy Handy, 18, Student, “Yeah brill! We could literally have our own Winchonbury. Laters.”

It’s Despite being one of the few working class scum living in Winchester, I am proud to have an outstanding command of English grammar. It drives me insane when I see Wintonians making such basic apostrophic errors such as confusing it’s with its. It really gets on my tit’s. Sincerely

Charles Bentley, 4 , entrepreneur, “The problem is all the cider and drugs that type take. I don’t want people overdosing on my land and devaluing property prices.”

Tara Clement, 36, Mum, “Ooh yes! I can’t wait to get my yurt out and do a bit of glamping. I love Mumford and sons. Have a boogie why not.”

Derek Grumble. S023 Sir, Madam Acceptable behaviour I was in Tom’s Deli the other lunchtime enjoying a glass of limoncello when I noticed that the gentleman on the table next to me was wearing cuff links. He was with his family and it was clearly his day off. Would other readers agree that it is acceptable behaviour to sport formal fashion accessories in a casual, family atmosphere? I for one wouldn’t be caught on Parchment Street mixing my Churches with my Diesel jeans.

Poo As many of your readers will know, I have recently opened the Winchester branch of the National Scatalogical Society. I am at a loss to understand, however, why there is such a scarcity of dog eggs littering the High Street and other pedestrian areas of frequent foot fall. Most other town centres are a haven for turd inspectors, but I can barely remember the last time I had to check my children’s shoes because one of them had brought home a “bad whiff”. I fear that this lack of droppings will lead to a downturn in our recently burgeoning membership. Must Wintonians insist on cleaning up all their pets’ mess? Has being crowned “best city to live in” gone to their head? I’ll be buggered if I have to traipse all the way to Farley Mount or Badger Farm to study samples. It’s high time the City Council took faecal matters seriously. Simon Stool Esq. SO22 Dear SMUG, Migrants Shouldn’t Winchester Towne rebuild the city walls to keep the migrants out? We don’t want bloody Romans everywhere. Yours, Nigelus Farrageus (Mr.) SO22 Erfernat ventis excea dolorem sint unt Sir, Madam Class I’m a local brickie and was outraged last Friday lunchtime to be asked to leave the Poshham Arms for wearing lthy or boots he lady standing next to me at the bar sipping a medium glass of Pinot Grigio was wearing Hunters caked in horse shit. These botanical print limited edition wellies were making an almighty stench, and the bar staff didn’t seem to mind. In fact, had I not been ignominiously escorted from the premises I would have left of my own volition, the smell was so foul. I am sure the sixth formers at the Waitrose deli counter wouldn’t put up with such discrimination. I used to enjoy the Poshham’s karaoke nights but de nitely on’t be returning Sincerely Ben Dover SO22

Mr. Link S023

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WINNER SMUG First Edition Funny Story Competition

Dear SMUG, Not funny I am sick to the teeth of people, including the writers of SMUG, saying how privileged we all are to be living in Winchester (First edition, P.1 and almost every other page). I, for one, am not privileged. I just inherited a title and millions of pounds from my parents who were privileged. It’s hardly my fault I was begot by them, though anyone reading SMUG would think that people like me begot ourselves. As for corduroy trousers. They are comfortable!” Yours, Lord Acorn SO22

YOUR SAY Letters to the Editor WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor Max 2 0 words . Contributions We also welcome for consideration satirical news items and features, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games and investigative journalism - so long as it poses a question, reveals a useful ‘truth’, ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. See page 4 for contact details.

WANTED

Deep in the forest a personal trainer stands shivering bound to an oak tree. Six hooded rotund men feed him tablespoons overflowing with lard. “Your gonna be famous, the first one’s always famous,” one of the men kept muttering. The others just repeated the same thing over and over “Hold still, hold still.” Tiny pin pricks of red light shone from three Go Pro action cameras that were positioned in taller neighbouring trees. One of the larger of the individuals held an iPhone. He moved in close enough for the trainer to smell a mixture of peppermint and stout on his breath. The small laceration on the trainer’s forehead leaked blood into his left eye. A large vintage 80’s ghetto blaster was positioned on an oval mock Tudor table and the cassette draw was open. Three large pickling jars full of lard were huddled underneath the table. “Who the fuck are you people?” The trainer’s mouth was sticky from the lard so it was impossible for the question to hold true conviction. The smell of peppermint and ale returned, this time carrying with it the words. “Don’t you know no one alive can be an angel?” All of a sudden music spluttered from the ghetto blaster and a soft intro began before Nina Simone started to sing Don’t let me be misunderstood. The man with the foul breath and iPhone pivoted to the right and started to speak very clearly with perfect diction. “Hey guys and welcome to this weeks show. We’re coming to you live from Epping Forest and have something very special for you tonight. As always if you want to join in the conversation, we’re streaming on Facebook live and You Tube so don’t be shy. Also don’t forget to check out our website: www.letsmakefitpeoplefat.com and whatever you do, don’t forget to spread the love on twitter @fatisback”

SMUG No.2 Funny Story Competition

Your Letters to the Editor about anything and everything

Anonymous

Yes, I wear stripes

It’s not because I meet for Pilates, or baby massage, nor does my husband shoot, or have a share in a racehorse. Not because it sets off my Mulberry bag, and it’s perfect lifting over my newly botoxed brow. Or that I’ve skied four times this year already - honestly! And it’s so easy to pack - that I wear stripes. Actually, I don’t use Boden, and shop cautiously, very little arrives at the door. And I don’t go near water. I consider myself independent, I won’t be defined by opinion - but I wear stripes.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

The first sentence of your story is: “Who, me?”.............................. ...................................................

letters@smugwinchester.com

REWARD Catharsis

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Max 300 words. Funniest published in SMUG No.3 Submission deadline: 1 th August 201 Send to editor@smugwinchester.com .

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“I don’t mind paying double at Waitrose to get a free latte.” “Yes, dear, it’s all about the experience.”


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irst onfirmed sighting of ‘male display ritual’ by Myna Byrd THE FIRST signs of spring in our glorious cathedral city are often all too easy to spot the first ‘2-for-1’ promotion at Fat Face, putting one’s name down on the reserve list for the next i-Phone, the plip-plop of tennis replacing the gruntshout of rugby at the River Park. But the true sign of spring is the first confirmed sight of a middle-aged man breaking out the shorts and – even though the ambient temperature is still firmly in single figures - these brave individuals will allow us to gaze on their exposed knees with impunity. The first sighting last year was 12 March, outside the Vodaphone shop. This year, perhaps due to the colder, wetter weather, the date was 17 April and Waterstones at the top of the High Street was honoured to be the favoured display location. The Winchester male is thought to move from the cheery brilliance of his autumn and winter plumage of red and mustard cord trousers, which he dons in an indiscriminate manner the better to attract a larger number of potential mates, to the khaki hues of capacious cotton shorts; their sober hue offset by the amount of eye-catching flesh on show. “This display ritual is well-established,’” said an expert who works at Dolce and Gabbana Hardware. “There is an almost primal need amongst males of this age to wear shorts on any and all occasions. Clearly the first male into shorts has an advantage over his rivals and if they do not play rugby or tennis or other shortrequiring sports, then this adaptation is the next best thing.” He added: “It is largely harmless but rarely ‘hairless’. (Careful! We make the jokes - Ed

No.2 2016

Depression on the rise for Hampshire’s dogs STUDIES show that depression among the county’s dogs is on the rise, with literally scores of new cases being reported all over the place, especially in Winchester. But exactly who is to blame? Depression is a condition usually associated with humans. Not any more. An increasing number of Winchester’s canine residents, particularly among the city’s many Cockapoos and Labradoodles, appear to be suffering from mental health issues. Many people blame the rise in social networking for the phenomenon. Said Mrs Wishbone from the Hyde area of the city: ‘Our old dog Bessie, a Labrador, grew up in the 0s and 90s without the internet. She never knew a day’s depression in her life. Our next dog, avier, a LabradoodleCockapoo-Collie Cross, has suffered from ‘The Black Dog’ pretty much all his life. And that’s not just because he actually is a black dog, either. I’m convinced it’s because we got broadband fitted just after his arrival in the family.” Diet may also have a role to play in the burgeoning problem, with the finger of blame being pointed firmly at dried food. Animal nutritional expert, Dr. Albert Bagshot-Owens, believes that removing the moisture from pet food is tantamount to adding nineteen teaspoons of sugar per serving. “Although there is, as yet, no “scientific evidence” to back this theory, studies have shown that cutting out dried food can be a way of combating dog obesity.”

Dr. Bagshot-Owens believes that substituting dried food with simple carbohydrates like quinishywarroa (pron. Keen-ish-ay-war or amaranthelbow pron. amaranth-elbow , can act as natural boosters to canine serotonin levels. Local pet psychologist Dr. an Sprinkle has seen many rising cases of eating disorders among his clients and blames the dog-food companies. “Dogs are putting huge emotional pressure on their owners when it comes to food.” Relaxed legislation in pet advertising laws has opened the floodgates for unscrupulous dog-food companies to advertise in public places such as vet waiting rooms and grooming parlours. Owners simply don’t stand a chance.’ So Who IS to blame?

OVERHEARD in THE CORNER HOUSE

“He’s seeing a therapist.” “Oh Dear.” “It was awful. They thought he had a brain tumour.” “Oh that’s terrible.” “They did all sorts of tests.” “So distressing.” “Turns out he’s just mental”

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“Well, cocker spaniels can be very erratic.”

to t o e ee t i

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‘A Life in the Day’ by a Discovery Centre Volunteer

WORKING at the Centre is so exciting. Every day is different. But mostly the same. I usually arrive early enough to ask Barry, the homeless person, if he doesn’t mind just moving away from the doorway a little so that people don’t have to step over him to get in. By 9.15am I’m behind my desk with my badge pinned on and ready to receive with a bright smile the usual succession of people (customers) from Winchester’s rich array of residents that the ‘Disco’ Centre seems to be a second home to. By 10am the varied series of requests and comments - and sometimes complaints (!) - are coming in. I have to say it’s such a rewarding experience and a fantastic job. And you never seem know what you’re going be asked to do or look up next!!

“What’s the wifi password?” “Is that all lower case?” “Why do I have to make one of them a number and capital?” “Where’s the shift key, dear?” “Why can’t I get on to jihadism.com?” “Is this all you have on Catherine Cookson audiobooks?” “Why can’t I log on?” “But I keep pressing that key and nothing happens” “What’s the password again?” “Sammy’s done a poo behind the kids’ popup book area. Have you got any tissues?” “Why have you still got that Godawful art exhibition going upstairs?” “This Netflix movie isn’t streaming very well on Windows” ‘Have you got the 1976 art Italian horror classic called Spunk up on my Cassock?”“My Facebook account is jammed.” “Can you give me that password again? “ “Why isn’t my laptop logging onto pornhub?” “The toilet is blocked up with I don’t know

what” “What’s the password again luv?” Before I know it, it’s 7pm and I haven’t even had time to start my smoothie or ham and pickle sandwich. I usually close up at 6.30 and am outside locking up by 7. That’s when Barry comes over saying he’s too drunk to pass the breathalyser on the NightShelter door and they won’t let him in so can he doss down in the doorway till tomorrow? Home, book and Horlicks. And tomorrow’s another day!

What Simon Said

The following extract is responsible for a wave of ‘separations’ among followers of Guru Simon in the 1990’s. THINK ABOUT REEDOM, close your eyes for a second and picture it. We all have a vague idea of what freedom might look like, how it might smell or taste. During the summer of 2012 I found, without looking, my own idea of freedom; it walked in front of me, embodied within two human beings. Instinctively I knew from that moment on I wouldn’t have to close my eyes anymore to imagine freedom. Their names were Sara and Andrew. To the casual observer they may have been nothing more than a couple of aging waifs, tired shadows of their respective environments, but I could see that they had something boundless. They reminded me of two shipwrecks embedded deep into a shingle beach, both had faces hollowed with almost too much character. They possessed kind, yet hazy, JD Wetherspoons smiles coupled with the eyes of heavy drinkers. With almost a full set of teeth between them, both would drag their words and yet when truly pissed Sara and Andrew were able to perform lyrical miracles. He could recite from memory passages from Beckett and Rimbaud, whilst using his twisted arthritic fingers to shuffle a deck of cards from one hand to the other.

She could hang from the bar and still manage to sing Habanera from Carmen whilst holding a glass of Campari in her right hand. Her renditions managed to reduce even the most stoic of barflies to tears. In essence they were an exquisite fuckedup paradox, but perhaps the perfect demonstration of how people could truly become at ease within themselves around others. They made members of the public uncomfortable, and that made me fall in love with them even more. They called me boy or kid, depending on the depths of their inebriation. I doubt they wanted to remember my real name. Their true skill was in the ability to display an air of cordiality, whilst keeping people at arms length, so that true friendship could never be genuinely established. They only needed each other, while the rest of the world served as fleeting entertainment. As we parted for the last time they spoke to me with warmth carrying a twist of astringent reality. ‘We hope that we never see you again Simon’. They finally used my name. He shook my hand and she kissed me just below my left eye. It may be too simplistic to casually say that Sara and Andrew unwittingly showed me how to let go. Perhaps all that should be highlighted is that it is often society’s outcasts that are our unknowing teachers.

Extracts from Guru Simon’s original ‘cereal box’ manuscript

Last known image of Guru Simon The rumour circulating among devotees of the Guru Simon is that his tragic early demise was a self-instigated hoax and that he has returned to his birthplace, Winchester, and is using an alias. he latest uncon rmed sighting as outside the artcafé in Jewry Street on 14th May. If you spot Guru Simon, please contact SMUG immediately as we are een to nd out if he is still riting

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“You don’t have to be mad to work here! Really!”


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Council High Street rescue plan met with confusion Three years ago in March, the Italian football club Triestina were floundering in Serie B and tired of having their 32,4 4 seat stadium deserted on match days. In an effort to save the club the higher-ups ordered a series of giant vinyl posters displaying thousands of happy fans to cover the vacant seats. While the club claimed it was saving money by employing less stewards and medical staff, the rest of the world was laughing. However, it seems that at Winchester City Council, there was no laughter, only admiration, as the council have announced a similar strategy designed to help struggling shops in the High Street. Winchester’s portfolio holder for economic development, Adam Patch, said: “In the increasingly challenging retail environment, these life-size cardboard cut-out shoppers will make a real difference to the shops that are struggling, especially on days when trade is slow. or example, they can use the cut-outs as practice. Approach them, talk with them, advise them on new offers or new products. They could perhaps take them on a little tour around the shop. Naturally, the cardboard shoppers – or Booster People – as we call them, will make shops look full and buzzing with life. This will attract shoppers into the store.” Several stores have trialled the scheme and found results less than satisfactory. Shopper Amy West spent forty-five minutes stood in a queue full of shoppers without realising they were all made of cardboard. “It’s a bit of a joke really. How was I supposed to know they weren’t real people?” Unfortunately the shift manager, Tom Limond, made a similar mistake, believing Amy West was in fact just another cardboard cut-out. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t realise she was a real person. She seemed sort of lifeless and dead behind the eyes. The fake tan didn’t help either. It was only when I threw a bit of blu-tac at her out of boredom that I realised she was an actual person.” Limond is worried this is not an isolated incident. “I can imagine this happening everywhere. People being held up by cardboard people. More delays. Just what we need. How much will this scheme cost the taxpayer anyway?” Adam Patch was unavailable for comment. In his place, a cardboard cutout has been keeping his office occupied.

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No.2 2016

House price carries celebrity premium

By our SMUG Property Correspondent A WINNALL house soon to come on the market will be marketed at a price enhanced by the celebrity status of the vendor, announced high-end housing agents Chancers. Winchester director Ignatius FitzAlanHoward told Smug’s reporter ‘This house already commands a very high price, standing as it does in one of the most highly-favoured roads on the Winnall Estate. The fact that the present owner, William MacSykes, is now a Winchester celebrity, is bound to excite enormous interest, which will be reflected in the price we decide to ask’. Mr itzAlan, a qualified genealogist, told us that this old-established Winnall family arrived here from Glasgow in the post-war period, but it was not until recently that the present head of the family, known as Bill 4 achieved fame. His professional work over many years at a number of well-known Hampshire banks remained a closely-guarded family secret until it was reported that a judge in our own Winchester had said ‘I’ve never seen any record [of professional successes] as long as this one in all my life’. The reason for the sale is that Mr MacSykes has been obliged, for legal reasons, to take up residence on the Isle of Wight. He is moving to a famous gated development known to be owned by no less a personage than Her Majesty. He is expected to remain there for many years. Mr MacSykes was not available for comment. The house is an expansive three-bed property with a stunning master bedroom boasting an en-suite wash-basin.

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As is usual in modern minimalist properties the toilet is internal, leaving the garden free to host a wealth of vintage domestic machinery from the family’s extensive collection, including a twintub washing machine, with wringer attachment, dating back many years. All this will be included in the asking price. The reception hall extends to the full width of the doorway, and provides ample accommodation for two or even three umbrellas. Beyond lies the reception area, dining/sitting/study/library/home cinema areas all in one space as current fashion dictates. A purchaser whose personal taste extends beyond the 19 0s ‘retro’ style will find it relatively easy to renew the décor. Since the family received a number of extensive windfalls in recent years they have preferred to live in their 4. million sporting estate at Easton, and the house has consequently suffered from damp, which brings the advantage that the wallpaper is easily removed. ‘Purchase opportunities of this standard seldom occur in this district’ say the agents. At an expected asking price ‘not far North of a million pounds’, it will surely be snapped up within hours of being marketed. Contact: iggyfitz chummyfriend.co.uk

i tu i c i e it i e tt c e t i c uded i

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YOUR SAY If you’d like to sell a house through Chancers Estate Agents, please send image and details to: chancers@smugwinchester.com OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“ Have you seen Bob’s bin. He’s put the handles facing in. I always put mine facing out.”


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NN

NN

Sorry, typo. Actually, Wirral £20m.

N

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Granny at. Granny included.

S

Dream cottage. Fantasy price. Dethatched from reality.

Green eco house. Fabulous view into neighbour s bedroom.

Doghouse. Share with pitbull and disgraced husband.

SS

Period cottage with quirky character. Soon to be evicted.

S Luxury city living. Nowhere near here.

N Bouncy castle. Foam interior. Planning permission for water bed.

N

S

SS

erfect second home. Suit Oram s Arbour couple.

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Crazy paving. Mad vendor. Stupid price.

N

Snotty neighbours.

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Desirable, much-sought after estate agent still selling this dump.


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Practical, no-nonsense answers to all your first world problems. arabella@smugwinchester.com Q. I am a working mother with a one year old child. I live in the City Centre and shop at ‘little’ Sainsbury’s at the bottom of the Hight Street. The supermarket caters for all my essential needs except for possibly the most essential item of all - baby wipes. Sainsbury’s do, however, sell several different brands of women’s facial cleansing wipes, which can be used as baby wipes (and coincidently are on the same shelf where you would expect to find baby i es . e t a ial cleansing wipes are half the size and triple the price. Do I make a concerted effort to change Sainsbury’s policy by writing to them to complain? Do I wipe my baby’s bum with more than double the price facial wipes? Or do I walk all the way to Boots and do the dreaded ‘twostop shop’? A. OH MY DEAREST READER...if only this were the first time I had received this very letter. The fact that a supposedly “up market” supermarket chain can so wilfully and repeatedly neglect a mother’s needs is truly beyond me, and while the babies are certainly not complaining at the “all clear”complexion of their behinds, this is one extravagance that can have further unseen implications... On many occasions in my “Well Mother, Swell Mother” group sessions, I have come to realise that it is indeed these daily trials that can send an overworked and under-appreciated mother spiralling into a depressive state. Not having created the time in a busy schedule for visiting the two shops, and already late for a pick up/drop off, parked illegally, and with toddlers tearing at magazine shelves and demanding the latest cbeebies magazine, the words “ I JUST WANTED WET WIPES...” half spoken and half sobbed are often to be heard in toiletries isle of our beloved city’s busiest High St store. It is a sad but true fact that this simple miscalculation on the part of Sainsbury’s can often lead to the collapse of the family

smugwinchester.com

as the mother increasingly dives into kettle chips and Oxford Landing Sauvignon Blanc rather than her normal routine and duties. So what is to be done indeed... I am a firm believer of the strongly worded letter and I know that other SMUG readers will understand and be happy to join the cause, so I propose this: We ALL write the letter regarding their obvious favouritism towards the spotty faced grant funded students over the tax paying homeowners of the city. We demand the reduction in face wipe shelf space and instead, have them replaced with the much more desperately needed and fundamentally important baby wipes, thereby reducing the drudgery of the daily grind and helping those in need.

Q. Every morning I am overwhelmed by a choice. Do I wear my red corduroys or my gold ones. What to do? A. Dearest reader...do you know my husband Phillip has the same problem darling. He wakes from his bed, comes into my room with the tea and morning post, and sits there in his dressing robe waiting for me to tell him, and do you know what my rule is? Gold for the sunshine, red for the rest, green for the gardening and beige is for best. I hope this aids you as it has aided me over the years.

Q. I am a parent with an 8 year old daughter at a primary school in Winchester. I want to take her to visit her grandparents in South Africa but can’t afford the term time airfares, and her grandparents are too old to travel here. I know that the school are unlikely to give us permission to take a few days off school, and that we risk being fined i e do so. Should I lie to the school by saying that my daughter is ill or is honesty the best policy? Is there another way?

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A. Now this is indeed a dilemma that all parents with school age children now face. When I was young, I clearly remember my parents writing a courteous letter to the Head, TELLING HIM that we were taking a family holiday and we my brothers and I would send a postcard to our class! There was no undue concern as to our missing two valuable weeks of learning, socialisation and dress up days, no panic about the impact it could have on our attitude to learning, and definitely no concern as to whether or not we’d be able to catch up! For goodness sake it’s two weeks not two years! South Africa is one of the most beautiful and diverse parts of the world, and you’ll be spending time with a generation of people that will soon not be here to tell their stories to their grandchildren. Go. Go on the holiday with my blessing. Ask permission and budget for the rejection fine. Nobody is going to jail or losing their job and turning to drink over this matter. Bon Voyage I say! Q. My husband claims he can see perfectly well, but when I ask him to fetch the mayonnaise from the fridge or the spatula from the kitchen drawer, he simply can’t see them no matter how long he spends staring straight at them. Does this condition have a name? Can it be treated? A. Lady of the house...this is very easy to solve my dear. If it did have a name it would be Male Kitchen Blindness but in fact my darling, the problem, I hate to tell you, is with the instruction, “fetch me the mayonnaise”. The poor love doesn’t know which mayonnaise you would like: Lemon? Red pepper? Ginger and sesame? Basil? Pesto or the Hellmann’s you keep for the children? So, rather than show his ignorance on such matters and risk being scolded for his stupidity, he simply stands waiting for clarification from his beloved wife who is so much better at this sort of thing as the kitchen is, after all, her domain. The same goes for the utensils I’m afraid. He isn’t armed with the full knowledge like us women. I find men respond only to very specific instructions. You must not trouble them with decision making on matters they just don’t understand.


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Above. Jeremy by Mark Michael, 00, Acrylic on canvass, 0cm 0cm. contact: art smugwinchester.com Below: extract from Dave by Mark Michael, SOLD to private collector

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“...there is often a perceived notion that some zones are better catered for than others...” Transport Planner, Winchester City Council

Winchester primary school parents mocked by answering machine message PARENTS from a primary school in Winchester were left ‘dumbfounded’ by the recorded message options left on the school answering machine between 7pm and 9am on the first day of the Spring term. The sarcastic message presented callers with a list of options that outlined a range of possible complaints about school services and teachers. The options imply that all calling parents or guardians are intent on blaming the school for any problems rather than being willing to take at least some responsibility for the education and behaviour of their own children. Said one indignant parent, “The message is not just an insult. It’s slanderous. I have a good mind to take the school to court.” A spokesperson from the primary school claimed that the school was not responsible for the message and that the staff at the school only found out about it after receiving a barrage of complaints via email. In a apology to parents, the school published the following statement. “This school does not share the opinions expressed in the answering machine message. The message is NOT the work of a teacher or group of teachers who are fed up with being blamed for children struggling to keep up, nor did the staff vote unanimously to record the message on the school answering machine.” When asked about how the message came to be on the school answering machine, a spokesperson claimed to be just as much in the dark as everybody else: “We can only assume that the phone was sabotaged by a prankster who had broken into the school.” SMUG can confirm, however, that no crime was reported to the local police, fuelling suspicions that it may have been an inside job. It has since been discovered that an almost identical message, whose author is unknown, has been falsely associated with many schools in many countries, the most recent being Maroochydore High School school in Queensland, Australia. Now, for the first time, the message really has been recorded on a school answering machine. In Winchester!

YOUR SAY

YOUR SAY

If you spot anything that is ‘beyond satire’ we would love to hear from you: editor@smugwinchester.com

If you are one of the parents who listened to the message, or you know or suspect anyone who is responsible for the phonejacking, SMUG would love to hear from you: editor@smugwinchester.com

Contributor’s details can be withheld from publication on request.

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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: PRESS 1 To lie about why your child is absent PRESS 2 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work PRESS 3 To complain about what we do PRESS 4 To swear at staff members PRESS 5 To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you PRESS 6 If you want us to raise your child PRESS 7 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone PRESS 8 To request another teacher PRESS 9 To complain about school lunches If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.


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THE UNMITIGATED JOY OF AGEING Tips on how to be a golden oldie By Mo Foster FOR this neglected section of society that is particularly well represented in Winchester, I feel that we oldies have been conned into apathy by society. Just think of the road sign that depicts us as bent characters creeping along in an unseemly way. We must demand our dignity – even if we are driven to use a stick. We can wave it in a threatening manner and on public transport they are invaluable. There are some very glamorous sticks about for you ladies, and for the gentlemen a slender cane is a positive asset, and perhaps you can learn to twirl it. LADIES I do have a few don’ts for you ladies and they are emphatic! Remember, you are your own unique expression of your femininity and joy in life. So shape up and never succumb to the ghastly cauliflower perm that seem to be horribly popular among sections of our number. Likewise, the beige anorak, unless you intend to liven it up with orange and purple flowing scarves. These scarves are ideal and can serve as a useful encumbrance to finding your purse, ticket, bus pass etc. Do not be put off by the increasing irritation of those behind you in the queue, instead enjoy it. Stand your ground and relish all the aggro you are causing but never giggle - that is going too far. This tactic depends on the expectations of the public – that the aged are rather dim and dopey, so we got them fooled. We have had many years to burnish our wit and I suggest that we demonstrate it to our full capacity. You can of course vary the colours of the scarves but really I suggest beige is always a bad choice. It speaks of taking a back seat – disappearing – a mistake this. GENTLEMEN. Men should also avoid beige at all costs and try not to shuffle.

not to sh

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Walk tall if at all possible otherwise develop a distinguished stoop – practise in front of a mirror and think “urbane fellow of the world”. Never wear sandals and socks. My advice for men is necessarily sketchy but attitude is universal and all important. A cravat is an excellent accessory, that or a bow tie. I suggest you invest in one of the ready tied ones, otherwise they are a fiddle, particularly for arthritic fingers.

NEVER APOLOGISE Never apologise for being old, rather use it as a weapon. When on public transport look for the disabled seats and their occupants then glare, make your glare as furious as possible but with a tiny bit of pathos. If this doesn’t work and they continue to be absorbed in their electrical devices, you will have to go on to stage two: seek the softest target and demand their seat. You will rarely be refused but if you are, then play the disabled card – remember this is war. Usually at least two can be guilt tripped in this way so any companion can join you. FIDDLE Purse fiddling is another tactic that works rather well and seems to come naturally to we oldies. When paying at the till insist on finding the exact money among your copiously change filled purse it is advisable to keep a special purse for this – you can mutter about the price of everything if you like and enjoy the angry murmurings in the queue. Try not to look too triumphant as you leave but it is permissible to have a quiet chuckle. They expect the old to be a slightly loopy, so don’t disabuse them.

DON’T WASTE PRECIOUS TIME Never give up your place in a queue to somebody younger and fitter than you. I have witnessed old people stating that they have more time than the recipient of this favour. Not so. We have far less time to waste in queues and don’t you forget it. Even if your next engagement is a date on a seat in the sun with other ancients remember that you are as important – at least – as anybody. INDULGE YOURSELF I have found that certain stereotypes do come into play as I have aged – like wine I hope... a coming to fruition rather than a decaying. I have become rather keen on babies. I still prefer dogs of course but there is a scarcity of them while babies are legion. I talk to them and admire them on public transport and my old heart warms at the sight of a young baby and I do not restrain myself. I gurgle in an unseemly way using exactly the same voice that I use for dogs. The cut-off point comes once they reach out with sticky hands and are capable of independent motion. I indulge myself in this weakness because I enjoy it and conclude that it is a natural selfpreservation tactic. Cultivate your own eccentricities. FORGET THE RULES Indulge in the things that give you pleasure – within limits of course. So remember that now is the time to please yourself at last, forget all the rules that your mother told you. You do not have to put other people first. You don’t have time.

“You do not have to put othe people fi st o don’t have time” e i di t ee co iou c

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There are variations on this of course e.g., every time I fill my car I tell the cashier that if I had envisioned putting in over forty pounds’ worth of petrol in the tank I should have thought I had a Jaguar. Remember, being a bit of a bore is part of our vital equipment. This facet can be milked if you want to empty a room: speak of memories of the war or rationing or how fortunate are the present generation.

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And if none of my suggestions appeal to you I am sure that you can contrive some for yourself – we are a brilliant lot of people we ancients and very inventive. WE ARE WORTH IT! You better believe it… OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“ I love shopping in Aldi. It makes me feel normal.”


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No.2 2016


No.2 2016

Death Run to St Bede Ages: 4 to 11 years Number of players: 439 Aim of the game: to reach school alive Required: 2 dice Instructions 1. At the bottom of the Gardens of Staple take a roll of the dice and turn left into the Jewish Street. Each paving slab counts as one move forward. Race your friends onward to the lights of doom! 2. Progress past the Theatre Royal. Roll two ones, and you step into the Theatre bar for a quick fruit smoothie, but roll two threes and you’re stepping to the right for a free trip to casualty!

smugwinchester.com

8. If you end up here, you have gone the long way round. Beware, those who have chosen this path before are still there, stuck for eternity in the torturous switchback. 9. Your journey is near an end but first you must negotiate the bend of tortured souls. You must decide who has the right of way. Is it you, humble pedestrian, or the metallic fume spewing beasts? Remember, not all is as it seems. Battle for the truth with the beast over when a footpath is a footpath and when a footpath is not a footpath. Win or lose, you’ll lose your mind before you reach the sanctuary that is St. Bede.

3. You have reached the lights of doom. Now, throw two sixes to press the magic button and wait for guidance to cross the Road of Cities to the Island of Lost Souls. A mysterious green man will guide you, but be warned, he will take your soul!

6. Once safely across, you must stumble along the ledge of death which resides alongside the Walls of the North. 7. Watch out weary traveller, for when ye travel this treacherous path, you will encounter many a beast on the narrow ledge and breathe the foul stench of steel clad dragons controlled by none other than the grim reaper himself. MIND YOUR HEAD

YOUR SAY

What are the Top 10 causes of stress in the life of a Wintonian?

SMUG is here to help Tell us what most stresses you in Winchester and in the next edition we’ll come up with some ‘smug’ ways to help you alleviate the strain.

4. You are now stranded on the Island of Lost Souls, and you must throw another two sixes to summon the green man from his slumber once again. Beware the red man, for if you disobey his command he will be sure to lead you into the afterlife! 5. Now, repeat the whole sorry process to escape the Island of Lost Souls and lights of doom.

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Send to editor@smugwinchester.com

“The lowered kerb is less than 2 inches high and therefore clearly for cars. I have right of way!” “That there is a kerb at all makes it a pavement. My child has right of way!”

Contributor’s details can be withheld from publication on request

WINCHESTER SIGNAGE

10. At the end of the school day, insanity awaits once more as you will travel the well-worn path again but in reverse. Another game of chance to be played and you might reclaim your lost soul and keep it, but only until tomorrow when the dice will have to be rolled again in your daily game of chance.

...or splat?

YOUR SAY

e t c t e o i i o it i co o o i The Walls of the North

If you know of any Winchester routes that would make a good board game, or can supply some ‘useful’ signage like the one to your right, we’d love to hear from you. editor@smugwinchester.com

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OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“My hummer won’t go round the bends in your underground car park.”


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SMUG MIND GAMES

No.2 2016

Who me?

¿QUE? Gel electrophoresis is a method used by life scientists to isolate and characterise proteins, yet no parallel theoretic has been developed to aid students in their understanding of the nature of living systems in light of this fact, i.e., in the light of our knowledge of the principles of quantum mechanics. Does this: Caption Contest Winner from SMUG First Edition

Bother you in anyway? Not matter a toss? Mean nothing at all? Act as the perfect indicator of man’s ignorance of the real circumstances of his physical and conscious being, even whilst believing himself to be the most perfectly rational of entities? Act as a perfect indicator of SMUG being more up its own bottom than Winchester IND THE CONNECTING WORDS THAT INISH THE OPENING AND START THE ENDING AND DISCOVER THE SECRET MESSAGE!

Caption Contest send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

FLOWER _ _ _ _ PONY NAKED

IS GOOD

COMING _ _ _ LOOK IN _ _ _ IT BE GOD IS

BYEEE

LAST _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ OF SOLOMON WAY _ _ COGNITO

WANTED Fun, Original Brain Games Turn them in at games@smugwinchester.com

Reward 2016 SMUG subscription 58

OVERHEARD in THE CORNER HOUSE

”She got a first class degree? How? ” “I know, it’s mind boggling. Do you know that for several years she genuinely believed that a faggot was a female maggot? Silence Well, in fairness I doubt she’s ever eaten a faggot in her life. Too posh to function that one.”

Answer in the Small ads


No.2 2016

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HORRORSCOPE

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by Lady Arcana

Mar 24 - Apr 23

July 24 - Aug 23

Blundering in the warm of the morning, remember that you still have work to do. Coincidence, as always, plays heavily in the day, but carry on anyway. Your dress sense will desert you, so stay indoors.

Swimming has never been your strong point, which is a shame, because you are up to your neck in it right now, unless you act out of character, say sorry, and only then set up a contract killing.

TORUS

Apr 21 - May 21

Aug 24 - Sep 23

The allure of china continues and needs you to give good attention to your pedicure. Bot flies are your only weak point, but this is England, so time is on your side. Snail mail will prove strangely disturbing.

Smiling whilst you mow the lawn, you realise that, despite all reports of the worm forgiving the plough, there is still a lot of subterranean muttering going on. Mulch will answer for now, but you need to make longer term arrangements.

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May 22 - June 22

Sep 24 - Oct 23

After a long hard night battling with your demons, you realise they are all of your own making and decide to stop. Taking up macrame or gastro-intestinal surgery should ro e a su fi ient re la ement.

The rain of early morning inspires you to attend to your Bonsai garden only to find that Bonsai refugees are camping in your woods. An umbrella judiciously placed might encourage their emigration to the compost heap.

CONQUER

June 23 - July 23

Let your freak flag fly - but leave those of others well alone! This is not the time for communal fondling, so buy yourself some flowers, arrange them nicely and call it a day.

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Oct 24 - Nov 22

The comic stand-still continues and all those of your sign know it by the change in rate of your heat production. Keep it cool and you could win through to being the subject of a medical study!

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Nov 23 - Dec 21

Duvet hugging is not an Olympic sport, but if it was...! Get off your proverbial and make yourself useful elsewhere. Even if you prefer being dead inside, your nihilism has to recognise it stems from fear of attachment. Get over it. N

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Some of the things you like to do are illegal here and all of the things you like to do are illegal somewhere else, so being a special constable will be conflicting. Keep any compliments to yourself. S

Jan 21 - Feb 19

Julian of Norwich took up hermitude to sing the praises of the divine and deliver God’s vision to man. Wasn’t that lovely! Stay in the shed for the weekend and see what you think after that. S

Feb 20 - Mar 20

Welling up at the sight of squished kitten, you are caused to wonder if any part of it was Schrodinger’s and what changed to collapse the dualism. Think on!

HOMEWORK for people that know ‘the truth’ COINCIDENCE is often deemed a triviality and yet all that exists does so purely by coincidence, e.g., some proton, some electron = some hydrogen, and all else logically follows; some egg, some sperm, some you Jung of course had his own views as to the ways of the cosmos. or Jung, coincidence with no causal relationship was meaningful. He called it synchronicity, which he defined as an acausal connecting togetherness principle a governing dynamic which underlies the whole of human experience and history social, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. On the other hand, other psychologists and statisticians say that ‘meaningful coincidence’ can be explained away by a common and fallacious habit of mind, that of our inclination to find connections

and patterns in random data, known in psychology as apophenia. So when we spot a coincidence, what’s really happening is that our brain is simply exercising its fundamental ability to identify patterns — something we can do even when there are none, statistically speaking. In other words, everything we experience is random, we live in a random universe where nothing is connected to anything else, where we are quasi mechanical beings in a materialistic universe, and that’s all there is to it. All of which begs the question: Is there a deeper order, an overarching purpose to the universe? Or are we the lucky accidents of evolution, living our precious but brief lives in a fundamentally random world that has only the meaning we choose to give it?

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Homework, to be handed in by 30th June 2016 God is a meaningful coincidence. Discuss. ............................................................. ............................................................. ............................................................. ................................... max 250 words Best answer published in SMUG No.3 Deadline: 15th August 2016 send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

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No.2 2016

Now open for entries!

The 5th annual

169 High Street Winchester

4-12 NOVEMBER 2016 Submission deadline: 1 October 2016 Early Bird deadline: 31 July 2016 For more information please visit: winchestershortfilmfestival.com Or follow: /WinchesterShortFilmFest @WinchesterFilm @_wsff_

www.canvasgallery.com 01962 708400

Image courtesy Rupert Cresswell, Dir. “Charlie Cloudhead”, 2015 WSFF entry

Woman in Red Lion Pub by Bob Dylan

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If you enjoy this magazine please consider donating to the SMUG cause, behind which is local company Winchester Film & Art. As a registered Community Interest Company and 201 winner of the BID Commitment to the City Award, the WFA strives to help keep Winchester vibrant, contemporary and ‘real’. You would be joining a group of like-minded people who care for this great City, and you will be invited to become an honorary member of the SMUG Round Table, a purely symbolic, useless title, but a title all the same. Donations, no matter how small, are hugely appreciated and can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com Or contact the editor, Lady Wench, for a personal chat. editor@smugwinchester.com

Directions A 3 minute walk from the High Street down to the end of Parchment street (pop in to the Oxfam book shop on your way). They're at the end of the street on the left.

Buy your copy of

m ug here

Opening Times Tuesday-Saturday 8 till late/ Sunday 9-4 /Monday closed The Corner House 71 North Walls, Winchester SO23 8DA Tel: 01962 827779 www.the.littlepubgroup.co.uk/ the-corner-house

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The Corner House You can have breakfast by candle light in The Corner House. And if you wanted cake afterwards no one would judge you. The coffee is roasted by Fran in his back garden, the gin is made at Twisted Nose down the road, Elizabeth provides excellent lime and courgette cake and the crooked building that contains these pleasures is littered with curiosities. A prohibition tea pot here, a victorian ladle there, an ancient type writer and old church pews made comfy by plumped cushions. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, there's something for everyone. Wednesday evenings are for vegetarians. It's all delicious. Go alone and chat to the staff, become an old friend, or take someone you love. Tuesday evenings there's live music, fine wines, cheese and charcuterie. Shout out a request. They're a small independent who support independents and they love what they do. The Corner house is local, loyal and just lovely.


No.2 2016

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MATCH REPORT

By Our Dad on the Touchline

A glorious sunny day at the Garrison Ground, Bar End, saw the pupils of St Lidl take on their long term rivals Agnostic Academy in the annual friendly which always promises to be a fixture of the Community Youth Club Tournament and an occasion of skill, goodwill and true sportsmanship In a promising debut for the Academy, young St Lidl mid-fielder Ned Snott, year 6, got the visitors off to a great start and following a free kick over a disputed tackle, sent the ball floating into the box C’MON!! MOVE IT YOU LITTLE SHIT! REF! WHAT THE F*CK, REF? ARE YOU F*CKING RETARDED? putting the opposing defence into some confusion. A searching ball into the yard box found the head of Toby Jugg, year , who with his outsize right ear placed the ball beyond the reach of lanky NO F*CKING WAY! THAT WAS OFFSIDE BY A F*CKING COUNTRY MILE YOU F*CKMUPPET St Lidl keeper, Julian Widget, even though calls for offside were heard across the park, For the off-form and unlucky home team, it was a pattern that was to be repeated. Towards the end of the first half, Sebastian Pants, the agile year 7 Agnostics striker, finding himself unmarked, outpaced the sluggish midfield and on the edge of the box about to score CHRISTONABIKE! F*CKING MOVE IT, SHANE!! DON’T LET THE BASTARD THROUGH! CLOSE HIM DOWN YOU TWAT! CHOP THE LITTLE F*CKER DOWN!! but was brought down, some say unfairly, by burly full-back Shane Shank, 13, who in the ensuing altercation was sent off, leaving the young Pants to be stretchered to hospital with a suspected tibia fracture and his footballing future in some doubt. Gilbert Snott smoothly converted the penalty to put the visitors 2-0 before halftime.

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! ! ! ! ! Helping keep Winchester from ! disappearing up its own bottom ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

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£3.50! at least

St Lidl v Agnostics Academy Under 12s

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Come on Rafe, you’re doing really well!” “Noooooooo I hate youuuuuuu!” “One more circuit! You can do this!” “Aaaaarghhh but I don’t WANT to!” ”Your teacher said you were good at running. He said that’s what you’re good at.”

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Despite being cheered on gamely by enthusiastic parents, the plucky home team failed to find their form in the second half against an Agnostics team who outflanked, outperformed and in some cases ran literal rings around the St Lidl defence, even though many observers felt that one or two of the linesman’s decisions OH, COME ON!! THAT WAS DEFINITE HANDBALL! RED CARD THE BASTARD! YOU F*CKING BASTARD TWATTING IDIOT YOU MORONIC C*CK WHERE’S YOUR F*CKING GUIDE DOG YOU IMBECILE were controversial, to say the least. It was left to the visiting side to put the final scoreline beyond all doubt when a pass from winger Nigel Spratt deflected off defender Shank into the net leaving the St Lidl keeper floundering. Once again, as every year, the match proved to be an entertaining and hugely enjoyable event in the Under 12 season. In fact, so many St Lidl parents are already looking forward to the return match at the Colden Common ground next spring that many have volunteered to referee the match themselves.

St Lidl 0 - 3 Agnostics Academy Jugg 13 mins Snott 3 mins pen Spratt 74 mins

Coming up in SMUG No.3 Reaction to WISPa and WE IT Investigative dig about “unscrupulous” Winchester Estate Agent How to improve your chances of finding a parking space New erotica column Plus all the usual features, reports, news stories and letters

WINCHESTER’S FIRST SATIRICAL MAGAZINE

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“Only when I’m playing!” “You’re a good runner Rafe. You’re better than the other kids at school. You’re winning at life!”

WANTED

Your overheards in Winchester editor@smugwinchester.com

WANTED In the next issue of SMUG we’ll be offering tips on how to improve your chances of getting a parking space. If you have any parking stories or ingenious ways to resolve the ‘parking problem’ we’d love to hear from you editor@smugwinchester.com

Order SMUG No3 online NOW! www.smugwinchester.com


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No.2 2016

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SMUG CHALLENGE

There is one authentic ad on this page. Identify it we’ll give the person who sends the first correct answer a free ‘centred box ad with 20 words’ in the next edition of SMUG. Email by 30th June to: ads smugwinchester.com

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BEAT THE NHS lottery! Iron lung - 1 careful owner, condition much improved. MMAO. Box 2 Genuine Charles Diana plate Dropped only once. 0 33 3429 SMUG MUG! Will cause a stir on the High Street. Comes with free handle. Email: Smug@moneyforoldrope.co.uk

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VINTAGE HAIR CUTS While you wait. Todd High Street Barber 0 4 CAN’T BEAR ANOTHER FAMILY CHRISTMAS? Change everything and find a new life in Venezuela, no questions asked. Box 1 RON, DOCTOR, SELF-TRAINED Healing hands, patented cures. No anaesthetic. 67% recovery rate 07734 4703336

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BAG OF CHIPS Will swop for blow-job. Call ince 09 4 Have Bus Pass: Desirous of travel Youthful elderly male seeks youthful elderly female with similar wanderlust. Suggested meeting place Winchester Bus Station Cafe for a chat with a view to, if all goes well, a foray into the beautiful Hampshire countryside on the top of a bus, front seats for preference, and maybe tea at my place after. Ability to climb stairs essential. smuglove@smugwinchester.com CAN OF STRONGBOW and some weed. Meet in toilets in High Street. Every Thursday at 11am.

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SELL COPIES OF SMUG Winchester Station Earn a caution editor@smugwinchester.com WORRIED? STRESSED? Can’t cope? Come and work for WACA, you’ll fit right in. Call tommy@waca.dom BECOME A VOODOO ACUPUNCTURIST Work from home. Contact Jaxx 09 344 0

S JOIN `the ‘`Cryptics Club’ xyp 9 Tw, every Box 331 LONGHANDLED SPOON for eating with you-know-who. Food chiller available if revenge involved. Prices from 0p to 00 Ring 012 313 9 , but leave no message. We’ll find you. Box 00 CHELSEA SUBBUTEO football team 2 legless. 1 suspended for racist behaviour. 1 under arrest for sexual misconduct. £offers 07734 47066333 WIND-UP RADIO Swap for sarcastic TV Box 323

ARE YOU REALLY A DRUID? Can you trace your ancestry back to King Alfred and his merry men? Join Hyde 900 today for a full body search. Jeff 0 34 999

S SECOND TOE loner than big toe? Sockwear problems getting you down? Get out more. DO FEAR and angst rule your life? Does it all seem to be a weird ballet of bureaucracy, all to no good end except providing school mates with overpaid jobs? Admit to yourself that you are David Cameron.

ART Mark Michael “The Basquiat of the twentyfirst century” Karen Lappon SMUG’s recommended artist

SUPERGLUE Immovable cap. Hardly used. 0 34 999 TRAMPOLINE bouncy castle inflatable sex dolls. Good time guaranteed. Call Phil 0 88 PIANO KEYS All in tune 0 4432222

www.markmichaelart.com Secret Message: Show greed out let good judgement in

To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads 3 per word 1 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1 1 page - 0, 1 Page - 0, 1 4 - 1 0, 1 2 page - 2 , ull page standard - 3 0, ull page inside front back cover gloss - 4 0, ull page back cover 0

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Wintonia Independent Secessionist Party !

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“We were the Capital City of England whilst London was still draining its marshes. It’s time we became the capital ! own lands again...even Bishop’s Waltham.”! of our Will Savage, leader of WISPa! Listen to the full exclusive interview at www.smugwinchester.com

! ! SAY YES TO WEXIT! !! Protect our heritage! ! Control our borders ! !! Recover our birthright! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 64


Wintonia Independent Secessionist Party !

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Extracts from the interview between the Leader of WISPa, Will Savage, and SMUG political correspondent Jody Redmires, talking about the party’s plans for Winchester to secede from the UK

ECONOMY! “We will have a near monopoly on the global supply of watercress. Once the rest of the world realises, we can hold them to ransom” JOBS! “Napoleon said that Britain was a nation of shopkeepers. Wintonia can be a nation of estate agents” CURRENCY! “A team of archaeologists from our very own University recently uncovered an ancient horde of Saxon coins up on Compton Down, so we are going to use those. Cute little things they are, with holes in the middle”

DEFENCE! “We may not be able to afford Trident but we will have Worthy Down Barracks…anyway, if Trump gets into the White House it won’t matter one bit whether we’ve got a Corvette moored at Portsmouth or a tin bathtub moored by the Bishop on the bloody Bridge” THE THRONE! “We at WISPa believe that the biological successor to King Alfred probably still lives within the borders of the current district. Let’s face it, he probably slept with a few local wenches. We want to find a descendant of such activity” BORDERS! “…to the West, we will retain Hursley, because we need the tax revenues from IBM, but we are not taking Romsey under our wing…no way”

Will Savage

Listen to the full exclusive interview! at www.smugwinchester.com

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mug Issue 3

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No.3

SMUG ISSN 2398-3930 !

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£3.50! £3.50 at least

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Issue.3 2016

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o, a week before the referendum and there I was at the Buttercross, my placard held high, leaflets in hand, ready to woo voters with a new political vision for Winchester. My plan: Elicit a smile using flattery and a witty comment offer them a leaflet which they gladly take, read, smile some more, realise that it is SMUG behind the satirical campaign and make a mental note to buy a copy. This is what actually happened. Me: “Madam, yes you with the snazzy hat. ” . Madam: “Dickhead.“ I let it go. Perhaps she was having a bad day. Me again: “You sir, with the jolly brolly. We were the capital city while London was still draining its marshes. Isn’t it time we ruled our own lands again. ote for the Wintonia Independent Secessionist Party.” Sir: “That’s the spirit, mate. We’ll show em ” (accompanied by a hearty slap on the back) I glanced over to the huddles of BRE IT and REMAIN campaigners. They were receiving similar unbridled abuse or support. That was to be expected. They were on opposing sides. I was different. I was supposed to be the counterbalance to black and white thinking, providing a humorous perspective on all the political clich s. After all, we have to be able to laugh at ourselves. How else can we survive our own company? Maybe I just had to be funnier. Me again: “Good people of Winchester. We have a near monopoly on the global supply of watercress. Once the rest of the world realises, we can hold them to ransom. As for defence, don’t listen to those fear-mongers who put the willies up Scottish kilts in 2014. We have Worthy Down Barracks, and anyway, if Trump gets into the White House, it won’t matter one bit whether we’ve got a corvette moored at Portsmouth or a tin bath tub moored by Bishop on the bloody Bridge.” Passer-by: Passes me by.

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It was no use. No-one seemed to see the funny side of WE IT - they were just running for the E IT. Apart from one young lady who, while acknowledging my new political vision, was at pains to point out that an independent Wintonia basing its economy on watercress is simply not viable because watercress is a seasonal plant which, of course, it isn’t . It was all too much to bear. Abandoning my placard, I ran home to seek refuge in my inbox, hoping to find a message of support from some amused SMUG fan. I received the following: Dear Editor, Re: your article in SMUG#2 about the phone app ‘ rom A to B Guilt ree’ that plots a beggarfree route for Winchester shoppers who don’t want to be faced with real life. I don’t entirely get it. Are you saying that it’s OK to avoid street beggars and fund raisers, or that it’s not OK. Please clarify. I’m just trying to locate the moral and ethical compass of this new magazine. I slumped forward in my chair, head in hands. Had everyone lost their sense of humour? Where had I gone wrong? In attempting to search out humour wherever we can, is it inevitable that we will wander beyond some people’s moral and ethical boundaries into a land of all too serious judgements? Must satire have a conscience? And how far can SMUG go before we become too smug, and too complacent ourselves? Suddenly I have a bad taste in my mouth... Questions, questions, questions. The answers, dear SMUG reader, lie in your hands.

Editor, Lady Wench

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Jamie “won’t be beaten” by Winchester diners

i e t e e e t ot i ce i c A clearly emotional Jamie Oliver told a press conference today how he was upset by the demise of his high street pizza restaurant which closed prematurely. Winchester diners appeared unimpressed by the chef’s particular brand of ‘Brit nostalgic’ pizza dining that he attempted to pioneer in the city centre. The establishment closed recently to unenthusiastic reviews. But the T personality said he was undeterred by the defeat and vowed to return to the city with ‘a major new concept’ in middle class dining that would take on all the other celebrity chefs who have successfully opened up restaurants in the city centre and show them who was the Daddy. “Granted, the Winchester lot are a tough crowd to please. But if Hughie W, Ray Blanc and Ricky can shovel posh nosh to an upmarket, latte-swilling brigade, then so can I.” Asked by journalists if he hadn’t thought his previous concept through and misjudged the audience, Oliver said: “At first I was proper gutted having my concept rejected by the hoity toity Hampshire diners. But to be fair I got it wrong. The public derserve better than pizzas with bangers slapped on top. But you wait. I’ve got an amazing pie mash jellied eel sushi dining concept in the pipeline that’ll blow Hugh and Rick and all the other geezers out of the water.” Jamie Oliver’s Well Nice Whelks is expected to open in 201 in the High Street.

Issue.3 201

Toddlers say sorry for low SAT scores TWO St Cross year olds, Tristram Blather and Poppy Button, yesterday apologised to everyone for their less than perfect grades in Key Stage 1 exams. “We’ve let our school down, we’ve let our parents down but even worse, we’ve let ourselves down” Although children cannot officially ‘fail’ a SATS exam and there is no ‘pass mark’, governors and teachers at the primary school expressed concern over the pupils’ performance. The disappointed but plucky youngsters said they were upset but to make amends were considering re-sitting the exams with the help of an expensive tutor.

“They have been reprimanded for endangering the school’s good reputation but have since seen the error of their ways,” said their headteacher. “They will be in detention until 201 .”

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ni erse allo s or infinity o coffee shops: Science Centre E CITED boffins at Winchester’s Science Centre have completed their own megacalculations on the Big Bang Theory and discovered that the universe and particularly that part of the universe that is southwest Hampshire - will continue to form every known and unknown form of caffeine for eons. “As our model clearly shows, the early universe is a highly complex mix of quantum fluctuations,” said the centre’s top pointy head, “and it resembles nothing so much as a Styrofoam coffee cup. Our experiments indicate that while galaxies will die out and stars become supernovas, retail premises selling overpriced latte will continue to form for billions of years hence in Winchester city centre.”

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Child wailing “ Oh come on Joe. Give it a rest mate. It’s not all about you.” e e o utio

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Issue.3 2016

NEWS IN BRIEF OLD WINTONIAN CRYBABIES demand less hostile portrayal in satirical magazine INTERNET TROLL fined for shoddy spelling MORRIS DANCERS inauthentic, claims professional WINNAL DOCTOR struck off for prescribing patients more exercise COFFEE-SHOP BARISTA “hired by mistake” says Stanmore defendant BAIL FOR WHITCHURCH MAN peddling inorganic yoghurt

More Labour Seats By SMUG Political Correspondent Olose Smith Slow Wet Trains, ever eager to seek a PR opportunity, have responded to the recent news story about well-known folk hero Jeremy Corbyn being unable to find a seat on a irgin yeuch Train, by introducing a new inishitive. rom now on, all litter bins on Slow Wet Trains will be converted to dual use, as both seats and bins. These deluxe facilities, to be known as Corbins, will be perfect for providing extra seating for bankers, lawyers, politicians, soft drink cans, hamburger wrappers etc...

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City institutions angry at being excluded from city’s humour A number of Winchester’s most prominent institutions are less than pleased about the coverage - or lack of it - they’ve been receiving from a new satirical magazine that’s proving to be a hit with many residents. BID, Winchester’s business consortium, The Hampshire Chronicle, the Daily Echo and the city’s free publication Winchester Magazine are all protesting that they’ve been mostly ignored by Smug magazine and feel they’re being singled out by being overlooked. “It’s not fair,” said the Head of Communications at BID, “the University, the College, the Cathedral and all the other leading establishment bodies in Winchester have been and are being continually targeted. Why are we being left out? Doesn’t our self-satisfaction deserve some column inches? Surely we share the very same smug values as the rest of them?”

Issuing a joint statement, Winchester Magazine commented: “It may be harder to detect than a Higgs Boson particle, but we’d like to make it clear to everyone at Smug that our own organ does have a well-developed sense of humour. Or we’ll see them in court.”

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hrash band dis ualified for using augmented chord THRASH metal band Putrid Spunk became outright winners in the recent Battle Of the Bands in the Guildhall last month and were rightly pleased with their performance. However, both their prize and victory was short-lived when they were disqualified after their lead guitarist was found to have played an augmented sharp chord in the winning song. Although the crowd on the night were wowed by the band’s sexist lyrics and neoNazi persona they were less impressed by their melodic variation.

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OVERHEARD in THE CORNER HOUSE

“This ice is too wet”

ut id S u di u i ed Izzy Dangerous, lead vocals, said it wasn’t a new problem and that lead guitarist Terry ‘The Twat’ Smith was forever experimenting. “We keep telling him to stick to the prescribed 3 chords but does The Twat listen? No. Probably because he’s gone deaf from 12 years of head-banging”

Are you un-smug enough to write for SMUG? editor@smugwinchester.com

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Council dad rejects son’s new Lego building

Living statues make great staff, say phone shops

IN a controversial decision, a Winchester planning officer has turned down his year old son’s proposal to build a 13 storey “awesome tower” in a Hyde living room. Said the father “Yellow and red bricks are entirely unsuitable for this area and do not take into account the historical vernacular of the local architecture” Dejected architect George, was remaining firmly in his bedroom and refused to come out to comment.

PHONE shops in Winchester High Street have taken the unusual step of replacing their existing staff with wacky street performers known as “living statues”. “They’re definitely an improvement on the people we employed as customer assistants before” said a recruitment specialist. Shop managers found that even though they don’t move a muscle for hours on end, the motionless performers were far better at helping to solve customers’ problems than the ‘gurus’ that lounged around the store previously. Rather than just being immobile on the street, statues can now be found standing stock still inside many phone stores. “We’re very pleased with the result and they give customers a laugh too,” said one store manager. Superdrug, Sainsbury’s and clothes retailers in the city are said to be following the innovative hiring scheme with interest.

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New Gold Service for Winchester shoppers EASY LI E Ltd, the company behind the polemic phone app From A to Be Guilt Free - that plots a beggar-free route for Winchester shoppers who do not want to be faced with real life - has launched a new Gold Service. Now for just 4.99 per month Winchester shoppers can purchase discreet lapel badges that let beggars and fundraisers know not to bother them, enabling subscribers to shop completely hassle and guilt free. Serial shopper Judith Shears, who trialled the service, has given it the thumbs up: “It’s like having your very own invisibility cloak. Now I don’t have to circumnavigate the High Street just to buy shoes. It’s brill.” Not everyone is as appreciative of the scheme. One local do-gooder believes “it’s even worse than the phone app that plots a route that enables shoppers to bypass beggars and fundraisers, which at least doesn’t humiliate the needy. God only knows what ‘incentives’ the company behind the new scheme has given to the poor street dwellers in order for them to turn a blind eye to anyone wearing a badge.”

A spokesperson from EASY LI E remained defiant. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The needy get ‘paid’ and the shoppers go about their business guilt-free. It’s a win win situation for everyone.”

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NEWS IN BRIEF WINNAL MAN prosecuted for talking without due care and attention STUDENT LBGT BODY objects to calling itself ‘body’ HENRY BEAUFORT to introduce emoji GCSEs : ALMS HOUSE’S COUNCIL TAX backdated to 14th century POST-BLOCKBUSTER despair grips care-home residents

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Issue.3 2016

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esidents ear ra id gentrifi ation of Barton Farm will displace locals Locals are up in arms once again about Barton arm, this time about the muchfeared gentrification of the area, now building is due to start in earnest. ears of pests moving in from big city areas displacing indigenous species and homogenizing the local environment are concerning long-term residents. Said one OAP who wishes to remain anonymous: “People think this type of vermin has already been exterminated in the capitol but don’t you believe it. They’ll soon be coming here, spreading their hipster funguses everywhere, and they’ll be accompanied by the female of the species too with their double buggies clogging up the streets.”

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e e e otted t ttooed i t At a parish council meeting, other residents in the community spoke of the lack of diversity which they reckon will harm the environment. “It were all fields round here when I were a lad. Now look at it: a hi-res CAD representation of coffee shops and aspirational urban living,” said one. In addition to the loss of local species, an infestation of the notoriously toxic pest, the urban tattooed barista is expected which will threaten local inhabitants with extinction. An action group has been formed which aims to prevent the spread of art galleries, hi-tech start-ups and internet cafes as well as other signs of ‘Wandsworthification’ and other contagious threats being carried down from the capitol.

Big Sleep Out participants moved on by police OLUNTEERS at the annual Big Sleep Out organized by local charities on behalf of homeless people were surprised to be woken up by police and told to pick up their cardboard castles and sleeping bags and move on. Participants in the event were then forcibly directed by officers towards Trinity and the Nightshelter who, it turned out, were regrettably unable to admit them since they were already full with genuinely homeless people. OAPs and children claim they were “roughly spoken to” by officers while residents taking part in the charity fundraising night said some constables acted in an over zealous manner. Said one pensioner: “They didn’t seem to realise we have homes to go to. ery smart homes, actually.” The police denied any wrongdoing and

issued a statement: “This is hallowed ground and these so-called homeless people were making the place look untidy.” Some residents are said to be pursuing legal action against the officers involved.

Proposed ‘Butter Train’ inishitive comes with price hike threat Slow Wet Trains have responded to the recent bout of unexpected weather with a new track inishitive. Chief Track Engineer M. rancois Controlle said: ‘we’ve never seen anything like this before. What seems to have happened is that the clouds have gone away and this big bright thing in the sky has come out and made everything hot. No one here can ever remember this happening before. It’s been so hot, that the tracks made from high-grade British butter - have melted’. Unfortunately the result has been a constant flow of slow, saut ed trains. Monsieur Controlle said: ‘It’s true: the trains have been fried where they stand. Our boffins have come up with a solution. rom now on all of our tracks will be made of heat-resistant margarine. Unfortunately margarine is more expensive than butter, so we’ve had to put up our prices. Again. At least we’re not on strike, ha, ha. But if you don’t pay up ’ The melted butter will be used to make very expensive sandwiches. Thank you for crawling on Slow Wet Trains.

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NEWS IN BRIEF NEW SATIRICAL MAGAZINE “not funny or clever” says Chronicle CON-ARTIST shopped by his poor grammar and pronunciation HANGING TOO GOOD for Stanmore parking offender, says judge ART STUDENT’S SHIT bought by Saatchi gallery MAYORAL BANQUET DRUG BUST, 14 arrested

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ou S ou d i c e te e to o e Was theeBrexit result a good u ic ti i e oo to thing?

James Wedge, 3, Retired, “No. My pension pot is dwindling due to the cut in the interest rates. I’ll be forced to sell one of my an Goghs”.

Nat, 1 , Artist, “Will we still be able to get cheap fags and booze from rance?”

Ted Grist, 0, Greengrocer, “Rule Britannia is what I say. Take back control. Bring back steam trains. Send in the navy. We can be great again”.

Scooby, 40, Earthling, “Bad vibes man. In these sad times we need to stick together man like hold out your hand to your brothers and sisters and pull them from their sinking rubber boats”.

Issue.3 201

A Day in the Life of Will Savage by Jody Redmires IT’S been several weeks since that nowfamous interview SMUG, issue 2 in which Will Savage laid out his case for an independent ‘Wintonia’, the ultimate goal of his current ‘Wexit’ campaign. In there, he told us how an independent Winchester and District might operate with the rest of the UK, economically, politically and constitutionally. It was time to find out a little more about the man behind the policies this enigmatic, ‘marmite’ politician who appears to generate either raucous support or intense dislike. When he invited me to spend a riday in August with him, it was too juicy an apple to ignore. We met at his local golf club South Winchester. The heavily-tanned Will had just finished a round of 1 with Simon Brewin, who was introduced as “both a close friend, and the future Wintonia Secretary of State for Education”. Will generously tipped his caddy - Eddie from Eastleigh, who deferentially refers to ‘the gov’nor’ as ‘a very generous and warm man.’ Both Savage and Brewin insisted we retire to the ‘19th hole’, even though it was only noon. These would-be cabinet ministers helped themselves to a double Hendricks and tonic each. I stuck to the soft-stuff. I took the opportunity to ask Brewin about Wexit’s key education policies for Winchester. “We’re bringing back the eleven-plus” he said, before adding “except for Harestock they’re all in-breds there, so no point just one Sec Mod should do them”. After the G T’s, I followed Savages Range Rover to his home in Littleton for lunch. We were greeted by a young housekeeper, who appears to be of middle eastern origin Savage notices me observing her. “Pretty little thing, isn’t she?” he quips. “I was looking at that mark on her arm” I reply, in case he thought I had another ‘agenda’. “Ah yes, she has a shady past, something to do with human trafficking. The wife and I are caring employers. We pay a full one pound per hour above the national minimum wage AND we pay her NI contributions so these people that suggest that ‘Wexiteers’ are racist really don’t know what they are taking about Of course there is a place in society for these people, subject to very strict quotas. She came here with all these fancy ideas about what she might cook goat in tomato, falafel spiced this and weird-

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cranky that It took us a few weeks to show her where and how to buy Hampshire hog, and how to cook it. We even allowed her to relax by the poolside this summer in her time-off, but she came downstairs wearing one of those bloody burkinis. Needless to say I told her to take it off at once if I’m paying for a pretty girl, I want to be able to look at her ”. The front door is opened and shut. Mrs Savage Linda is warm and welcoming and possesses both the appearance and aura of Camilla P-B. She has just returned from a meeting of the local Rotary Club and now joins in organising lunch with the housekeeper, but breaks to ask if I have been to Littleton before yes and if I have had anything to eat already no . Over lunch, I ask Will what he thinks of the June 23rd result. “Of course it’s an endorsement of what we within Wexit are trying to achieve. It’s a triumph of common people over so-called experts. One in the eye for the establishment, and a pointer forward for the people of Winchester ” After lunch, he takes me to his local in Littleton, the Running Horse. This is where Savage’s full charisma becomes apparent. He is the alpha-male in the local, holding court with five other males all fifty-plus. They make a willing audience for his seemingly-endless repertoire of jokes about people from Andover, Basingstoke and most of all Romsey: “I even found one had bloody stowed away in the boot of my car whilst I was playing golf this morning” he quips, amid hearty ale-fuelled chuckles. At this point I decided to leave, but I was left with the impression that Will, rather than being at the beginning of the end of his drinking day, was merely at the end of the beginning “Linda comes to collect me when I phone her” . There is no doubting Savage’s charisma whether or not this translates into viable policies remains to be seen.


Issue.3 2016

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TOWARDS A POST-WEXIT CULTURE AND SPORT POLICY

My fellow Wexiteers, never in a thousand years have we had the opportunity of awakening the slumbering, snoring giant that is Wessex culture and prowess at Wessex Games. But the time is ripe and the time is now to throw off the oppressive chains of cultural domination from horrible places like Croydon and East Grinstead and High Wycombe (and Basildon) and stand proud to declare. “We’re Wessex NOT Essex and we’re not gonna stand for it any more!”

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. The Wessex National Ballet Company will be established with a world-class auditorium constructed in Nether Wallop. A lively programme of Wessex-themed ballets will be commissioned. Initially this will have no less than one subject Tess of Wessex, inspired by the Thomas Hardy novella.

o here is a ten point plan for cultural liberation for Wessex post-Wexit. Read it and rejoice

1. A Department for Wessex Culture, Games and Story Telling will be established within one hour of Wexit with an equal opportunities policy for everybody provided they come from Wessex. 2. The irst Minister of Culture will then be appointed through open competition to ensure that the best man called Alfred gets the job. 3. A vibrant policy of language teaching will be encouraged to ensure that our students have the widest opportunity to extend their linguistic horizons to every syllable of Old English. Teachers of other languages must convert or be given a one way ticket to Surbiton . 4. Wessex will welcome the world to its annual afternoon of Strictly Come Wessex olk Dancing. This will be held weekly. Competition will be encouraged to ensure that the most talented man called Alfred is fairly awarded the prize turnip.

INSIDE BREXIT AN OUTSIDERS REPORT -

‘The Okey Cokey papers’ by Bad Brevity

IT’S HAPPENED. The people of the UK. have voted to leave the EU. We are informed that negotiations to agree the terms of our exit will take 2 years, and a lot of hard work. We bring you the inside knowledge on the latest developments and behind closed doors conversations, that will help inform Will Savage and his Wispa Party how to save the good people of Winchester. Teresa May with a touch of genius appointed Boris as oreign secretary, buying herself valuable time. As European leaders made their excuses not to meet with Boris, and therefore delay any discussions, May has dealt an early masterstroke. May has gone on the

. The Wessex Wireless Wind-up www. wessex will be established to provide a forum for shared Wessex identity. Every household will be issued with a set. Wessexers will be delighted to hear that it will only have an ON switch allowing listeners to listen all day to our marvellous Wessex heritage. . The Wessex National Opera Company will be established with a world-class auditorium to be constructed in Over Wallop. A lively programme of Wessexthemed operas will be commissioned. Initially this will have no less than one subject Tess of Wessex, inspired by the Thomas Hardy novella. offensive already as she herself meets with political leaders to inform them that Boris is running point on diplomacy and apologises for his future behaviour, whilst making it clear that any negotiation deals may require a flag waving zip wire clause before they are invoked. Boris is due to arrive in Winchester for a meeting with Will Savage, if a suitable venue and photo opportunity can be found. I have heard on Good Authority, that despite the vote, it’s possible that the UK may still remain within the EU. In a secret dossier ‘The Okey Cokey’ papers outline the strategy to pretend to go out, but then to come back in again, and if we don’t get what we want, we go out, and then back in again. The tactic has been widely used by party goers of the older generation who had no idea how to protest other to bend their knees, put their arms out and shout Rah, Rah, Rah. The good people of Winchester are finding their own voice and forms of protest as

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. The Wessex National Theatre will be established with a world-class auditorium constructed at Nether Nonesuch. A lively programme of Wessex-inspired plays will be commissioned inspired by Tess of Wessex, the Thomas Hardy novella. 9. Traditional Wessex Games will once more be given the profile they deserve by the new Wessex Institute for Physical Exercise WIPE . A delegation will at once be sent to International Olympics Committee to lobby for the Wessex Games to be included in the 202 Olympics for which Headbourne Worthy will be a candidate city to host. 10. Wexit means Wexit. Above all this means healthy Wessex minds in healthy Wessex bodies. Our guiding light will be ‘No E-Sex in Wessex’.. Pilates and Yoga classes across the town swell in numbers and practice Utkatasana as one. Meanwhile David Davies is setting up a whole new division to manage the operational requirements resulting from Brexit negotiations. Once established this will be outsourced to Capita, who will sell the contract onto ‘Mondial Active’ a rench Outsourcer. In a classic Trojan horse move, this is the ploy to get Europe negotiating with itself while we sort ourselves out undetected. Lawyers from across Winchester have been keen to get in on the act with many reducing their fees to 20,000 per hour for a Government contract. So with Boris the new EU deterrent, The Okey Cokey strategy and another Government department being set up for outsourcing, I leave you with a quote from one very senior politician who I heard saying ‘It is essential that we change our ways in order to take the country forward, but that doesn’t mean doing anything differently’.


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Issue.3 201

PRIMARYMOVE PRIMARYMOVE | WINCHESTER ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE LAUNCH OF OUR SCHOOL PLACEMENT SCHEME ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN GETTING INTO THE SCHOOL OF YOUR CHOICE?

THEN WORRY NO MORE, COUNT ON US TO GET THEM IN!* WE WILL Move you into a rented property within 100 metres of the school of your choice while renting out your family home for a huge profit. Advise you on how to become a parent governor on the school board. For those of you who wish to choose a faith school, we will: Provide a detailed schedule of church services Provide you with a crammers course in your chosen faith. Provide a chauffeur-driven transportation for your children to and from school once their places have been secured and you have moved back into your family home.

Remember, it’s never too early to sign up your child for our school placement scheme, download our App and you can register with a click of a button, even at the point of conception.

++++ SPECIAL OFFER ++++ Upgrade to our Platinum Level Grammar School Service and your child will receive free coaching towards their Eleven Plus exam!! *You know that amazing life you dreamed of having when you moved down from London? The one with the characterful town house and the Porsche Cayenne? Doing the season in Val D’isere and spending that fortnight every summer at the cottage in Fowey? Well, it will all be at risk if you do not keep up repayments. Terms & conditions apply. They always do.

1, FLASH BUILDINGS, JEWRY STREET, WINCHESTER 74


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THE SCHOOLGATE SCANDAL

With parents desperate to secure places for their children in Winchester’s sought after state primary and secondary schools, estate agent Primary Move now offers a polemic School Placement Scheme which ‘guarantees parents a place for their child in their ‘school of choice’, outside the catchment they reside. Within a week of the launch, Primary Move’s adverts were defaced with the message ‘THIEVING BASTARDS’ by members of the so-called Catchment Area Patrol (CAP) who claim the scheme steals places from poorer children, the same group accused of posting a dead mouse through the letter box of a amily ho benefited rom the heme. resents the arguments o the o osing sides, and as s the question: How far would you go to ensure that your child has the best possible start in life?

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ack in the 0s when Winchester’s children were still watching The Muppet Show parents didn’t have to fight for their school place. Children simply went to their local school. Then two judgements outlawed automatic allocation of places and established the rights of children to go to schools outside local authority boundaries, thus giving birth to the concept of ‘parental choice’. This didn’t meant parents could actually choose. ‘Parental choice’ was subject to entrance criteria, one crucial one being a family’s proximity to their ‘school of choice’

How the scheme works

Primary Move’s Placement Scheme overcomes this minor detail by moving clients into rented accommodation within spitting distance of the ‘chosen’ school. According to Rob Mallory, a spokesperson of Primary Move, “the scheme is the icing on the cake for a society that champions freedom and empowers the individual.” According to a member of CAP, who wishes to remain anonymous, the scheme is “the crust on a shit sandwich dished out by unscrupulous opportunists.” Why though, if parental choice came into being along with The Muppet Show, is it only now that we are seeing the emergence of agents such as Primary Move and ‘vigilante’ groups like CAP?

why now?

Rob Mallory explains: “It’s simply the increase in demand caused by an increase in recession hit middle classes no longer able to afford prep school fees, and an exodus of beleaguered city dwellers London, not Winchester who read on lifeafterlondon.com how ‘great and worthy’ is Winchester’s reputation for excellent schools. Throw in the fact that more students from Peter Symonds go to Oxford or Cambridge than from Winchester College and it’s obvious why parents are prepared to pay in order to jump to the front of the queue.

what do families SAY who have used the scheme?

While Primary Move were unwilling to divulge the names of clients who have benefited from the scheme, SMUG managed to track down a mother who was keen to defend herself. Mrs. Burton, who in rosier times would have been sewing name tags in to local prep school blazers, had this to say: “Naturally, I never thought I’d be looking at the state sector, but the fees at Pilgrims would make you baulk. When we read that St. Peters was on Tatler’s approved list and our neighbours told us about Primary Move’s scheme we took the plunge. Granted, it wasn’t much fun being cooped up for a whole month in a two bedroom terrace in Oliver’s Battery, and the profit accrued by Primary Move renting out our mansion on St Giles Hill amounted to little more than pocket money for little Henry. Still, once safely back home, having Primary Move transport our children to school meant we didn’t even have to get up in the morning. OK, so Henry made a fuss about not getting a sticker on walk to school week, and there was that awful business of the dead mouse through the letter box from those people at CAP who obviously don’t approve of what we did. But I put it to any parent: If not depriving a local child of a place at a top school means putting your own child at a school that is not at the top, what is one to do? While CAP would not be drawn on the dead mouse accusation, they appear to harbour little sympathy for Mrs. Burton. “The fact of the matter is that Mrs. Burton, and other sharp elbowed parents like her, are thieves, stealing the futures of other children. Mrs. Burton’s attempt to justify her thieving by claiming that any parent would do the same given half a chance just shows the extent to which her brain is severed from reality. I mean, how many parents can afford the 10,000 Primary Move charged for a month in the two bed terrace in Oliver’s Battery.

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What’s worse is that Mrs. Burton already lives in a Winchester catchment area with a perfectly good school. It’s theft.”

CAPS moral dilemma

Whether or not Mrs. Burton is a ‘thief’, CAPS’s defacement of Primary Move’s adverts with the words ‘THIE ING BASTARDS’ is clearly a criminal act, prompting locals to accuse CAP members of being anarchic vigilantes. That CAP members refuse to reveal their identities has even led to accusations of the group being a spy ring. If CAP member are spies, who are they spying for? How does the information they acquire find its way back to schools and the local authority? Indeed, is the local authority in cahoots with CAP? While such questions remain unanswered, Mrs. Burton was keen to point out that “the paranoia CAP is causing in the communities they claim to be saving is far more destructive than a few dedicated parents like me. I simply don’t know who to trust anymore. Even Henry’s friends who come for sleepovers could be spies.” CAP responded to the accusation in bullish fashion: “Desperate times call for desperate measures. And let’s be clear, it is not just a few isolated cases of theft. Just this year the number of investigations into suspicious school applications has risen elevenfold because of concerns about fake addresses, bogus baptism certificates, and even families claiming, falsely, that a child in a school was a brother or sister to get a place under the sibling rule. Parent’s will stop at nothing to steal the futures of other children. And we will stop at nothing to stop them.”

where do you stand? Is CAP a force for good? Are estate agents like Primary Move unscrupulous opportunists? Is Mrs. Burton really a thief? How far would you go to ensure the best possible start in life for your child? Winchester, you decide.


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Dear SMUG

WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor Max 2 0 words . We warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it poses a question, reveals a useful ‘truth’, ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and or legal requirements. Reward: Catharsis

Issue.3 201

Dear SMUG

Wenches I am appalled at the use of the phrase “local wenches” by Will Savage (SM UG, #2). It’s as if Radio 4’s Women’s Hou r never existed. If any politician thinks they can sway voters by displaying such naked bigotry then they need a re-think. Why doesn’t Savage take on the mor e pertinent politics of female genital mutilation instead of the trivia of whe ther an af uent part of the country should secede from an af uent country? ‘Man in the pub’ politicians should stay in the pub, and we will all be better off for that. Vanessa Smith ul ood

It was me It’s embarrassing to say, but it’s actually uite true your article irst con rmed sighting of male display ritual’ by Myna Byrd in SMUG issue 2. It could actually be me. My wife showed me the magazine and insisted that I must write something to you. I’m in my late forties and shop in Fat Face, without any shame I might add and I love nothing more than rocking a ell tted pair of ha i shorts ’m usually one of if not the rst to slip on the summer attire to help accentuate and display what Myna Byrd describes in the article as my o n eye catching esh’ There I’ve said it, I feel better, thanks SMUG. Keep it up. Miles Brooker, Staple Gardens

Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG Don’t get it Re: Your ‘A to B guilt-free app’ (Smug, #2) I don’t entirely get it. Are you saying that it’s OK to avoid street beggars and fund raisers, or that it’s not OK? Please clarify. I’m just trying to locate the moral and ethical compass of this new local magazine. Rachel Chantry Colden Common

Doomed You appear to take pleasu re in routinely berating the estate agent s of Winchester. May I remind you that the se smart young professional people are far less likely to smoke pot and hang aro un Eclipse than the paisley-p d in The rint wearing rabble that write for you r doomed magazine. They are alm ost certainly far more uali ed than the sel f appointed ‘knights of the round tab le’ of your scurrilous little rag. FFS……….get a life Sarah Wills Teg Down

Dear SMUG Chancers to Having recently had the opportunity G SMU of e issu nd seco the ugh thro look the On . you I felt compelled to write to e’s whole I very much enjoyed the magazin less harm of bit a for all am content as I rd fun and lampooning. However, I rega nt eme ertis the mock estate agents adv shot entitled ‘Chancers’ as a very cheap te esta d ecte resp well a indeed. To take with them tar and s rter Cha as such agents as such rts low brow mockery, with inse agent ‘desirable much sought after estate p’. dum this still selling My son is a very proud Charters e you employee and I feel the need to mak d esse witn e hav lly aware that I persona of that and er care his throughout cs, countless work colleagues strong ethi they ices values and pride in the serv provide members of the public, which remains second to none.

Dear SMUG Crackpot With regard to your ‘Interview with Will Savage’ (SMUG #2 ), could you please stop championing the fringe politicians in cause of crackpot possession of an overblown sense of local pride and a ‘keep-em-out’ attit ude? Trailerpark-trash policies such as th ose espoused by Mr Sa vage will only ever attract trailerparktra fairly sure that Win sh voters. And I’m chester does not ha ve enough of those to force economic su icide upon the rest of us . Sadly, the same cannot be said for the So please nail your rest of the U.K. colours to a more useful mast. Kevin Pickard, St.Giles Hill

arah andercoc , ul ood

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Issue.3 2016

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Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG

Honestly A genuine letter here – no t one of those oh-so-obvious ‘spoof’ let ters that are written by your own staff - and as such, I am sure it will not be pu blished – but here goes……I spent £3.50 of my hard earned money on Issue #1 of Smug, and I laughed in a few places. But therein lies the problem – I only lau ghed in a few places. Consequently, wh en issue #2 came out recently, I tucked a cop y coat and walked out of the under my boozer without putting the readies in you r ‘ho Call it a little bit of ‘payba nesty box’. ck’ if you like……… (Name and address not sup

plied)

Dear SMUG Nor will he ever Possibly owing to the proximity to ‘Brexit’ and possibly owing to the similarity in names (Savage / Farage) people will inevitably make comparison with the Brexit campaigner and the Wexit man. It would be unfair to endow Will Savage with the attributes of a Nigel Farage. I have known Will for several years and I know him to be a highly principled individual.

Dear SMUG Coins When Will Savage (SMUG #2) speculated that the Saxon coins discovered recently on Compton Dow n might be Saxon launderette tokens, he fails to recognise that launderettes did not appear in Mid-Hants until the 1960’s - fully nine centuries after the Saxons were ousted by the Normans. And if Professor Hill really does endorse this view (as is claimed) then it goes some way to explaining why our local University will never be ‘Russel l Group’. It also goes without saying that I could never give ballot-box support to someone with such a feeble grasp of our history. Shirley Portman, Hursley

For example Will Savage will never: 1. Pledge an extra £350m per week to Royal Hampshire hospital, only to deny such a pledge on breakfast TV the morning after the referendum Nor will he ever: 2. Take an image of Syrian refugees at the Turkish border and ‘photoshop’ it onto Andover Road. Nor will he ever: 3. Jump-ship straight after the vote, leaving others to clear up the mess. I don’t agree with all of Will Savage’s policies but I thought I ought to at least give some credit where it’s due. This man does not lie. Tony Swift St..Cross

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Begging e of my My name is Gin Yang, som gazine ma r you housemates translate ething som d an ny fun nd it for me d on year ne very refreshing am a sec I do love A. art painter studying at WS inds me of rem it ch, Winchester very mu is very nice to Beijing on a clear day. It w at home will write this as no one I kno much enjoyed y ver probably ever read it. I story ‘A to p ap e on your fake mobile ph because nk thi me de ma It B Guilt free’. cept of con the I can’t really understand und aro en oft people begging. I see it lain, exp to s nd frie Winchester and ask ps ha per t tha nk thi l stil they try, but I ly ive uct str con these people need to be to rd wa for k loo motivated. I very much ue. iss hearing your next

Dear SMUG a ety first ats off to the talented tra f c planners of Wintonia! When the majority of the county was made a mph traf c on e, ’m sure many people thought of this as just an inconvenience, and of cia ldom gone mad. But no, it really is a fantastic Health and Safety measure design ed to keep our children safe What foresi ght our traf c planners have. No longer do I have to fear my teenage boys wa lking, or running, into the path of an oncom ing vehicle. Now I can drive them around for hours and they can play Pokemon Go from the safety and security of the back seats. Yours etc Range Rover-Driver”

Dear SMUG MAMILS am horri ed by the gro ing sight this past summer of lycraclad cyclists lounging around our caf és. Why should perspiring mi ddle-aged men assume a God-give n right to s’asseoir their moist and odorous buttocks on seats that you and I mi ght also want to recline on? It is unciviliz ed! Are they cycling over fro m Basingstoke? I have the honour to be, Your most obedient Servan t, Major (Retired) Howard Green MBE

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Issue.3 201

WOOP! Extract from Wintonia’s very own lifestyle publication curated by Tilly Bottom from TUP Bottom Interiors

Preparing your Wintonian home for autumn

SMYGGE (‘smoo - guh)

Order our winter issue now, buy a Smug mug page 29 , fill it with your favourite cocoa and hunker down for that nice, warm, Scandibollocks feeling inside as you chuckle at others’ selfapproved superiority

OVERHEARD in M&S

Child wailing “Use your words, Marcus, or the sushi goes back on the shelf. Mummy is listening. And daddy. Daddy is listening too.”

Over 50 and in denial? YOU are sitting in the waiting room of your new dentist when you notice the diploma on the wall. You read the name and remember a very kissable classmate from college some 30 odd years ago. You think to yourself: “Is this the same person I fancied?” As soon as you enter the surgery and put the name to the face, you push the thought aside. This grey, wrinkled dentist is far too old and worn to have been your secret crush. Still, you pluck up the courage to ask the question: “Did you by any chance go to Peter Symonds College?” “Yes.” “And what year did you graduate?” “19 , why do you ask?” “You were in my class ” you say, shocked. “Oh,’ came the reply, “and what subject did you teach?” Ouch

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THE NIGHTS are drawing in and our thoughts turn to autumn and Hygge note this is a Danish word and if you need to look it up you are nowhere near middle class enough for Winchester . This is the time of year to rid your house of bleached wood, miniature sailing boats, lighthouses, dust collecting seagull ornaments and anything blue and white striped. While you are at it, get rid of all of that Rio inspired rainforest tat which just didn’t catch on. Now turn your attention to the layering of highly expensive and quite possibly itchy wool throws, and spend a small fortune on velvet cushions embellished with insects, and scented candles. Years ago it would have been sufficient to dig out your Blanc Company “Winter” candle and toss a few pine cones around the house, but scenting one’s home has become a little more complicated these days. Said Blanc Company have now introduced a mid-season Autumn candle to take your home from harvest festival to Halloween before switching into a pre-Christmas pong. We may all wince at the price of these candles City bonuses not being what they were so here’s a few economising tips from TUP Bottom interiors, 1 Buy expensive scented candle from The Hambledon or newly opened, wallet emptying, Space NK, thus saving cost of train fare to London, genius 2 Make own foraged-for candle using jam jar, candle from Ikea, tat from garden, and buy a can of inexpensive air freshener to whizz round the room before guests arrive. 3 Place expensive candle in prominent place for guests to see but don’t ever light it. Can last for years but the dust is a dead give-away so do invest in one of those nice expensive silver lids.


Issue.3 2016

Observations of the frequently spotted aSShole Extracts from Guru Simon’s original ‘cereal box’ manuscript

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is is England and our summers generally offer a schizophrenic climate, but when a weather forecaster says, here comes a hot spell, for entertainment I like nothing more than to find a public space, preferably a park, to continue my ongoing study of the courting rituals of the frequently-spotted asshole. irst of all, it is important to remember that often the most intriguing age range to observe the asshole’s behaviour is 20 to 3 . The male can vary in style choices from season to season depending on the advice they are given regarding suitable attire. In this particular instance two subjects, who for the sake of discussion we will call Alfie and Charlie, are roughly the same height and weight, with identical hairstyles. With regards to plumage, Alfie wears a horizontal black and white striped rench style t-shirt. Charlie has chosen a more audacious statement, sporting a shirt covered in thousands of tiny pale lemon swallows all flying in the same direction. Both sport the same khaki shorts. As they enter the park neither subject strays away from the tried and tested methods of the established courtship rituals. Both assholes move through the park, initiating contact with their general surroundings whilst nodding to members of the public. Both subjects opt for the technique of establishing their prosperity by flaunting high spec smart phones and displaying the functionality of their gadgets in a casual, yet highly controlled manner. Charlie snaps a carefree selfie, whilst Alfie takes a photo of two pigeons trying to catch a woodlouse. After eyeing one another’s plumage from afar, both males perform a similar ritual, tensing their shoulders, opening their bodies to present the gains and rewards from their respective gym regimes. After the customary posturing coupled with a few moments of discreet self-preening, both males continue to familiarise themselves with their location until a target of interest is identified. It is not uncommon for two or more assholes to pursue the same mating prospect. or the sake of this discussion the particular female who gleans the interest of the assholes we will call Jane.

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Jane is wearing a typically well fitted yet breathable patterned summer dress, accessorised with chunky bohemian jewellery and gold sandals. She smokes something hand rolled, possibly nicotine, but most likely a joint as she seems to be constantly laughing at nothing in particular. Jane sprawls on a picnic blanket with a female friend who is dressed in a similar manner. Each of the female’s outfits are full of subtle stylistic tweaks to convince both themselves and others of their originality, although Jane seems to exude that extra indefinable air of confidence. Alfie is first to initiate contact he instigates an arbitrary comment about the weather. A distinct lack of both interest and rapport is quickly established. The picnic blanket stays quiet as a sign of a clear need for more effort. Charlie opts to keep his distance. He chooses instead to cough loudly but firmly as a means of drawing attention. As this appears to yield a thin shred of success he proceeds to curl his left arm, arch his wrist and bounce the sunlight off his stainless steel TAG Heuer. The picnic blanket remains in a state of indifference. Alfie and Charlie move within 20 feet of one another without making eye contact. Both assholes find a place to sit down for a moment. Alfie opens a tanned leather case, Charlie unzips a black Swedish designed laptop bag, both produce food. The two men proceed to devour their respective lunches and after gorging they relax for a while.

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It is often typical behaviour for assholes to begin mirroring one another. In this instance both male’s legs are spread wide apart, arms are outstretched with hands cupped behind the head. Alfie adjusts his testicles in a manner that teeters on the edge of bad taste. Charlie mimics, but performs a more tasteful adjustment. Both assholes walk towards the same bin to dispose of what remains of their food. Upon meeting, they exchange cursory glances for the first time. Jane’s observations of the performances of both males had remained consistently lukewarm. She does however offer a speck of hope, gifting them just enough attention. She continues to laugh long after finishing her second cigarette. Jane takes a large bite from a Pret a Manger sandwich, wipes any detritus from the corners of her mouth and turns to her female companion. They exchange a kiss that lingers long past that of friendship and into a much deeper, complex love. Both Alfie and Charlie stare. Charlie smiles and seems to fantasize about the unlikely possibility of three-way intercourse. Alfie however acts in a more reluctant yet realistic manner. He raises his diaphragm to accentuate his pectoral muscles, flourishes his laptop bag with indignation and walks away. or the first time Jane emits a clear signal by both acknowledging and appreciating the attention. Jane finishes another more hurried yet sincere kiss with her mate. It serves as a final punctuation mark for Charlie’s fantasies. He checks his iPhone and pretends to lose himself in social media.


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Issue.3 201

“Cathedral entrance University of Winchester research explains why cyclists are so annoying fee nice little earner” THERE has been much debate as to why the majority of cyclists in the South of England generate such intense feelings of antipathy and antagonism amongst the remainder of the population. New research published by the University of Winchester has finally resolved this question. The report’s conclusions are couched, as one would expect, in measured and diplomatic terms. The central finding, however, was succinctly expressed by one report contributor: “Cyclists are hated because they’re a bunch of pretentious twats.” The University’s report identifies the specific day when “the rot set in around Winchester”: Thursday th July 1994 when the fifth stage of the Tour de rance included Winchester in its 11 mile route. “On the Wednesday before the Tour de rance arrived,” reminisced one Wintonian respondent, “folks ambled along on their old, rusting bikes, simply going from A to B. Some of the blokes even used to wear traditional frayed jackets and flat caps,” he recalled. “On the day after the peloton came through the lycra started to appear. Twelve months later, nearly every cyclist you saw looked like he or she was training for the next Tour de rance.” Prior to the Winchester study, many people had assumed that the public disliked cyclists because they resulted in traffic delays. It soon became apparent to the research team, however, that motorists were accepting of delays caused by other slow moving road users. People were generally very fond of the horses they encountered on local roads, and agricultural machinery was viewed positively as part of valuable work undertaken by farmers. It was clearly the nature of the cycling that drew hostility.

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In order to gain a better understanding of different types of cycling, the team visited the Netherlands where ‘proper cycling’, as it came to be called, remains the norm. In Amsterdam, hundreds of people routinely ride around the city on basic, situp-and-beg bicycles, and nobody objects. The report notes the skill with which helmetless, Dutch riders speed from place to place while using their smartphones, eating, drinking or watching portable T s lodged in their wicker, handlebar-baskets. Amsterdam’s cyclists can even be seen smoking cannabis or engaging in sexual activity while peddling to their destinations. Examination of the Dutch model allowed the Winchester researchers to draw a clear distinction between two types of cycling: In the Netherlands, people ride bicycles in order to travel somewhere for a purpose. This is referred to in the report as ‘proper cycling’ or PC. By contrast, the second variety of cycling is undertaken by those who pointlessly congest roads while acting-out child-like fantasies about being famous sports riders. In the report, this type of riding is referred to as ‘pretentious peddling’ or PP. The report concludes that the vast majority of cycling on the roads in Southern England is of the PP variety, and it is this that irritates and annoys everyone so much. While Winchester City Council continues to be inundated with calls from the public about the ubiquitous presence of PPs, a representative of Winchester Diocese explained the position of the Church in relation to the issue: “There is no clear Biblical evidence to confirm that a particularly unpleasant location in Hell has been reserved for PPs,” she told SMUG, “but many theologians, particularly those who are also motorists, believe that such a place ought to exist.”

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THERE are more than forty Anglican cathedrals in England, and Winchester remains one, amongst just a handful, that maintains an admission charge. “It’s not about upkeep of the building,” admitted a member of the Cathedral’s finance committee, speaking confidentially to SMUG. “More than five billion pounds of investments are overseen by the Church Commissioners - the body that manages the assets of the Anglican Church. They’ve enough dosh to re-roof every church in the country many times over - church fundraising is about parishioners donating for the benefit of their souls. Sadly, in Winchester, there’s little profit to be made from the locals they wouldn’t all be so fabulously wealthy if they gave their money away. We get loads of rich, foreign visitors, however, who haven’t grasped the value of British banknotes. They’re soft targets. It’d be a crying shame to forgo a stream of revenue that local retailers and hoteliers take for granted.” “The impact of the Cathedral charge on locals is minimal,” confirmed a Winchester Tourist Board representative. “Wintonians view the building when there are special events that allow free admission,” she explained. “If any Winchester residents actually believe in God,” clarified a Cathedral spokesman in defence of the charging policy, “they can worship in the Cathedral for free.” “In the past,” he added, “some canny Wintonians claimed they were Christians intending to pray - just to avoid the charge. We now insist that all alleged believers provide proof of their faith. Each is asked to recite the Creed from memory and show an affidavit sworn by his or her local vicar. He or she must also remain blindfolded to avoid the viewing charge.” “The entrance fee is a nice little earner,” admitted a senior member of the Cathedral staff in an unguarded moment. When questioned about what became of the funds raised, the Cathedral staff member simply climbed into his Lamborghini eneno and sped away.


Issue.3 201

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Practical, no-nonsense answers to all your first world problems. arabella@smugwinchester.com Q. Honestly Arabella, I have one word for you. BOOMTOWN. Regards, Winchester resident. A. Aaaah yes, this was the shortest, but not the only letter about this matter that I received, let me tell you. What to say indeed? Traffic - Beyond ridiculous. St Cross Rd at a standstill for nearly 12 hours, meaning the organised buses are stuck, causing a build up at the train station. Honestly, my grandson Piers could have organised it better and he’s Health and safety - beyond the blazing inferno of the car park, I don’t want to dwell on this as a poor soul was lost at this hedonistic hell-hole. Commerce? - the great unwashed descending on our historic city to bulk buy their alcohol from Iceland is not the kind of commerce we need. In short I have two words in return: Banish Boomtown Q. My Dear Arabella I was hoping to acquire seats for the Winchester Chamber Music Festival Community Club’s performance of Custer’s Dream of Geronimo but I om letely ailed to find a title appropriate to my station on the booking menu which, as you will know, caters for Dames, Ladies, Lords, Dowager Ladies, Judges, Reverends, Professors and Doctors, but not for me. I am the current Baron Worthalot, 14th Marquis of Marston Gate, so I cannot elevate myself to the lofty position of a Lord (the chaps at Berk’s eerage ould ha e fits and o ourse I can’t book as a mere citizen (Mr/Mrs/ Miss) such as a peasant like yourself would do. Please advise. Baron Worthalot, 14th Marquis of Marston Gate

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A. Well Baron, I must say I was initially quite surprised at this prejudice on the part of the Cathedral box office team. I’m fairly sure that when William I introduced the rank of baron in England, it was to distinguish those men who had pledged their loyalty to the throne, something that I know you still do, and if that doesn’t secure a place on the booking system at the Cathedral, well I don’t know what the world’s coming to really I understand of course why you wouldn’t want to be referred to as Lord, Sir or even Mr like us ‘peasants’, so having done some research into the matter I do wonder if Baron’s lack of presence is due to the fact that in the Peerage of the United Kingdom, barons actually form the lowest rank pretty much obsolete in fact, and placed immediately below viscounts and we all know what they’re like I’m sorry I don’t appear to have solved your quandary in this instance, but as a lowly Dame, I don’t think I’m qualified Q. Dear Arabella, I am writing concerning Winchester’s Hat Fair Festival. The fact that they refer to it as a “Festival of outdoor art” is somewhat astonishing in my mind; more like a bunch of vagabonds descending on our beautiful city to do simple tricks and make crude remarks for cheap laughs and our family money! For the last two years I have tried to ignore my personal feelings on the matter and take my grandchildren as lots of people do seem to enjoy its presence here every July, but on both occasions I have had my fears totally realised. In 2015, I witnessed a man on a uni y le ta e a goldfish rom his underpants and catch it in a bowl on his head. Is this art? NO. As if to insult me further, I watched as he encouraged an entire audience of well over 500 people, (many of whom were children) to yell the word “PENIS”. Is this art? NO again. This year I had to endure Miss Kiki Bittovabitsch - a totally inappropriate stage name for starters! In her show she straps together what can only be

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described as volunteer’s nether regions. She then proceeds to create a tune by touching each of the individual’s “bells”. Just when I’d had enough of this public indecency, she then alluded to her “moist gusset”! Festival of arts indeed!! Is nobody responsible for the content of this dross on our street? Well I took my grandchildren, who found the whole thing very amusing and clearly had no understanding of what they were being shown, and we went home. They were very disappointed that their day had been cut short and ruined by Miss Bitovabitsch I can tell you. From Genuine arts lover, Susan A. Dearest Susan, You raise a valid point What is considered ‘Art’ these days? I am baffled myself? Is Tracy Emin’s filthy bedroom something to be celebrated? Or Damien Hirst’s animals sliced in half and put on display? That god awful Angel of the North looming over you as you venture up the A1 Its not just the outdoor arts that have fallen foul of the shock and awe factor that seems to be valued over actual technical skill in modern times. The content of these arts festivals I think is now partly down to the popular culture of our society right now. What happened to simply enjoying a show for the way it made you feel, or a painting for what it looked like rather than what it represents. I have to say, I no longer attend the Hat air ‘street shows’ but I do enjoy the other aspects. Seeing the streets full of life, going to parts of the city I had previously not considered as beautiful and seeing them suddenly reinvigorated with the introduction of music or dancing. Street performers are not to my taste, for the very reasons you have highlighted, so I walk past, as having not paid to see it, I don’t feel obliged to watch it which I believe is the idea behind outdoor art? My suggestion is take your children on more traditional days out to the museums, galleries, library, theatre indoor of course . Enrich their lives in a more cultural way, they’ll thank you for it with their beautiful smiles.


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Above. Theresa by Mark Michael, Below: extract from Theresa

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0cm. contact: art smugwinchester.com


Issue.3 2016

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BEYOND SATIRE

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St Alswitha’s Church of England Primary School Year 6 Aztec Day Messy Church Friday 28th October 2016 Dear Parents, We are excited to bring you news about the Year Aztec Day which will take place on riday 2 th October. The children have been working very hard in their History lessons to find out about the Aztec civilisation, and we are delighted to bring you news of our special re-enactment event in collaboration with St Bartholomew’s ‘Messy Church’ project. Our theme for the day will be human sacrifice. If any families from the St Alswitha community are willing to donate spare children for the event, this will be much appreciated. Any remaining children who miss the chance to star in this exciting event will be sold in the playground at the end of the day. Please ensure your child brings suitable protective clothing for this Messy Church event an old shirt or similar will be helpful in reducing damage to your child’s school uniform. The children are very excited about the Aztec day and we hope that you will enjoy looking at the photographs on the website after the event a suitably scary sight to get you in the mood for Halloween If any parents would like to join the fun, please note that DBS clearance is not required on this occasion. Yours sincerely, Mrs J Moctezuma Band 3 Leader

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S If you spot anything that is ‘beyond satire’ we would love to hear from you: editor@smugwinchester.com

St Alswitha’s Church of England Primary School Year 6 Aztec day – Friday 28th October 2016 Child’s name: ______________________

Class: ___________________

I would like to offer a voluntary donation of 1 / 2 / 3 children for the activities on Aztec day. (Please bring your sacrifice to the school office by 9.30 on the day.) Signed: __________________________________________________________

Contributor’s details can be withheld from publication on request.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“No you can’t have one, you’ve been naughty. Don’t touch If you touch them we’ll have to buy them....excuse me, can I have those four please. Yes, just the ones he’ s licked.”

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Biker fury at challenge to their A32 Royal Charter BIKERS have expressed fury at plans to challenge their Royal Charter on the A32 between Wickham and Alton. In 1214, King John issued a Charter which allowed village idiots to drive wheeled vehicles between Wickham and Alton now the A32 ‘with neither regard for common sense nor safety’ - a cruel practical joke played on the mentally challenged of the time so as to entertain local villagers with spectacular accidents. In 19 , the High Court ruled that because so many modern motorcyclists on the A32 met the Charter criteria, none, in accordance with the directions of King John, should be subject to traffic laws. rom that day, bikers have congregated at Loomies caf near West Meon prior to terrifying local road users with their riding. “There’s no better feeling,” enthused a typical A32 biker, “than doing a wheelie around the bends in the centre of West Meon at ninety miles an hour with my eyes shut.” When approaching villages on the A32, the same rider admitted to noticing numbers printed on circular, red-edged signs. “I think they mean that someone has a thirtieth birthday,” he guessed. “When I first moved here,” recalled a Droxford resident, “I wondered why police didn’t set speed traps. You never see one - even on bank holidays when bikers could be booked by the dozen. Until I heard about the Charter, I’d assumed that most riders belonged to the same Masonic lodge as the Chief Constable.” “We hope to revoke the Charter,” explained a Hampshire Police spokesman. “Currently, all we can do is erect pathetic signs that say: ‘Think Bike’. They should read: ‘Bikers Who Can Think, Please Remember You Are Riding Machines That Can Kill ’ Unfortunately, due to the speeds that riders pass, we had to abbreviate it.” The Samaritans have distributed leaflets to A32 bikers. “It’s impossible to judge whether any are suicidal simply from watching them ride,” said a spokesperson, “because most appear to be. Our fear is that brighter ones might look around at fellow bikers and become profoundly depressed at how pointless all their lives have become.” The controversy continues.

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New pressure group lobbies for reversal of 2010 boundary changes A NEW pressure group has been formed by Winchester residents lobbying for a reversal of the 2010 boundary changes that incorporated Chandlers Ford into the electoral map. Lady rances, Chair of both Winchester ChavWatch and the recently established Winchester Against New Constituencies WANC explained to our reporter “parts of Chandlers ord around Hiltingbury, one feels comfortable with. But the area in general suffers from a number of mediocre housing estates whose negative environment means residents there may not identify with values characteristic of Wintonians such as inflated self esteem and superiority”. As evidence, she pointed to the “striking and dismal contrast in architectural style” between the ancient streets of Winchester and the Brutalist ryern Arcade and Chandlers ord Precinct which have “something of Portsmouth” about them. She also expressed concern that Chandlers ord is host to one of the largest Asda superstores in southern England. Co- ice Chair Dr Shawford explained further: “Chandlers ord is technically part of Eastleigh. Whilst not a damning indictment, this affiliation does pose difficult questions about shared cultural norms” he said.

When challenged further, Dr. Shawford referred to a recent charity football match in Eastleigh where his young son Galahad was left in shock after being asked to McDonalds for a post match Burger and Coke by “Gary” from the opposition Toynbee Terriers. While refusing outright, according to Dr St-Cross the “unprovoked invitation” left his son traumatised. “Although not quite a police matter, my fear is that if one child with a strange name can behave like this unsupervised, what does it say about the adults there?” Lady Bereweeke says both WANC and ChavWatch will be writing to new PM Teresa May outlining their concerns and requesting Winchester be allowed to jettison Chandlers ord before the 2020 general election. According to StCross “in the final analysis Chandlers ord has a low cache 023 0 dialling code prefix. This puts it on a par with Portswood, Redbridge and Lordshill, in fact the whole of the city of Southampton. It is unacceptable and we will be inviting concerned residents to a meeting of the new group shortly. We are determined to hold a vigorous WANC meeting in public.” Local MP Steve Brine has denied reports that any changes proposed by the Boundary Commissions before 2020 will see Winchester incorporated with Andover instead.

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Issue.3 201

“I had that Jack Dee and that Colin Firth over my stainless steel top” says dinner-lady Doris

In a sensational new book, a retired Winchester catering assistant tells the world how she was the driving influence behind some the world’s biggest stars.

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tanmore-born, -year-old Doris Coot has worked in Kings and schools over Hampshire for over 20 years, “behind the scene” as she calls it, serving meals to thousands of students. In that time she’s seen many pupils pass by and go on to light up stage and screen as internationally famous actors, comedians and entertainers.

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In a book deal worth literally tens of pounds, the outspoken dinner lady coughs up story after story about her fame-hungry students. Here she is reminiscing about top comedian Jack Dee back in the 0s: “He was a right joker, always messing around in the queue and pratting around with his tray. But he only ever latched on to his trademark, no-smile, deadpan style after I yelled at him to make his bloody mind up because we hadn’t got all day. eed lines like that made him the superstar T personality he is today.”

“The lad was a potty-mouthed little bleeder, always effing this and effing that. That snotty posh voice only came much later after I told him mind to his ps and qs and watch his language.”

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Now, in her soon to published diaries, GET SOMETHING HOT INSIDE YOU!, Doris spills the beans on the stars and reveals how she was the Kitchen Svengali behind many a budding career.

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They’ve all been in my queue “They’ve all been in my queue: that Pippa whatserface, Alistair Thingy, him that reads the news off the telly, that sourfaced Dee, and beefcake Colin irth. But let me tell you: none of them, NOT ONE, would have got where they are today without me.” Doris’s candid catering revelations will rock the industry to its core. In a Smug exclusive, Doris reveals how she:

- Directed Bafta-winner Firth on how to perfect his super-sexy Mr Darcy pose - Started top comedian Jack Dee on the road to stand-up fame with her feed lines - Told Sky’s newsreader Alistair Stewart to speak properly when he was spoken to

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urther sensational revelations show how Doris was the stylist behind Oscar winner Colin irth’s smouldering onscreen persona.

His raw animal sex appeal wasn’t evident until he saw my lady’s fingers “You could tell that boy was going to make it, the way he held aloof in the queue and looked at the courgettes. But his raw animal sex appeal wasn’t evident until he saw my lady’s fingers. I told him if he wanted to make something of himself he should stand up straight and hold his chin up. Back then he didn’t have a single hair on his chest. But today it’s obvious what my veg did to him.” Doris also dishes it out on the stars’ early table manners. She vividly recalls the newsreader Alistair Stewart at arnborough:

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Doris’s candid catering stories are bound to stir up controversy across the world of celebrity when GET SOMETHING HOT INSIDE YOU! hits the bookshelves. In the 1 page blockbuster Doris, now retired from a star-studded career in catering, remembers a golden age in dinner queues. What does she think of today’s young crop in the dinner queue? And how do they compare? Doris is typically forthright: “The kids in the schools had some manners back then and they was bought up better. Not like the foul-mouthed, snap-chatting tossers you get these days.”

They had some manners back then... GET SOMETHING HOT INSIDE YOU! is scheduled to appear in Sue Ryder shops and will soon be found in all good litter bins everywhere. Mrs Coot’s personal physician went on record to advise SMUG that her medication had been resumed since this article was published and therefore the magazine’s libel lawyers need not be engaged.


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David ‘ Dusty’ Auldstaff Dusty: “I’ll take it, what a good price, I love the bargaining banter.” Seller: “You want it wrapped and in a bag?” Dusty: “Yes please.” Seller : “19.00 quid.” Dusty: “Thanks, proper deal that one ”

Presents

‘Moderately priced item hunt’ Dusty: “Welcome, and you join me today in Winchesters traditional food market, full of gorgeous local produce from places like rance, Germany, Spain, East Meon and Aberdonkey farm. We are here to see what bargains we can find for the local people of Winchester to have for a perfect picnic lunch for two. Let’s go... Dusty: “Well what have we here, you don’t see many of these fine specimens these days? What’s this?” Seller: “It’s a scotch egg with Watercress sausage meat.” Dusty: “Sounds decadent, must be worth a few bob, how much for it?” Seller: “ 4. 0 or its 2 for 10” Dusty: “I’ll take 2 of those beauties, fabulous for the picnic.” Dusty: “Right and moving on to the next stall here, this looks interesting. What have we here sir?” Seller: “ inest English Chorizo from Battersea.” Dusty: “Looks super spicy and home grown too. How much for the small sausage?” Seller: “1 .00 quid.” Dusty: “Room for negotiation?” Seller: “No.”

Spotted in Winchester A herd of gussied up cyclists in matching lycra uniforms recently descended on popular caf at the top of town, To Bee or Not to Bee, to replace lost fluids and sweated out brownies after a mega ride somewhere in the place outside of Winchester. Several high profile retailers were spotted shyly peeking out from the flock including Tim AmazingHairforhisage and the lovely Queen ictoria of the Humbledon, a gorgeous city-centre shop that sells Primark ripoffs and rinsed-out tin cans.

Dusty: “Ah the rench baker man, what English goodies do you have for us. Those baguettes look fresh how much are they?” Seller: “These are pounds, these are 4 day aged baguettes, they are 10 pounds.” Dusty: “Why are the aged ones more expensive?’ Seller: “They have been hand reared and fused with flour and watercress....C’est magnifique ” Dusty: “I’ll have 2 of the special aged ones please.” Seller: “ 20 please.” Dusty: “Tres Bon That’s my sandwich taken care of.” Dusty: “My last stop today is here at the olive stall. Every olive you can imagine, stuffed with olive, garlic, tomatoes, cheese, and so scrumptious. The garlic, walnut and anchovy ones ...how much are they chap?” Seller: “12 pounds and you get a free walnut.” Dusty: “Two for one, smashing. Super deal.” Dusty: “So at the end of a fabulous morning, I have got a deal on 2 scotch eggs, a Chorizo sausage, some olives and a baguette. A perfect picnic lunch for just pounds. Now that’s a moderately priced lunch in Winchester I’m off to enjoy it in the cathedral grounds. Tally Ho.”

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Has that house opposite sold yet mum?” “No, no it hasn’t. Must be all that Afro grass they’ve got out the front.” “It’s Astroturf, mum.” 89 89

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Top 10 causes of stress in the life of a Wintonian

Carol Early from Hyde has her say. . 1. The speed at which the ice cream man hand crafts his cones down by the river 2.The price of artisanal bread at the market stalls on the high street 3. Navigating said market stalls 4. Sheds of shite, sorry Christmas market . Arriving at Pizza Express to find we don’t have a money-off voucher . Selecting which local, brewed in someone’s backyard, boutique yes probably artisanal and foraged gin to buy on a Saturday . The Brooks Need I say more . Tourists continental school trips 9. Pre-booking a film at the screen for 3 and agonising over seating, is a sofa for three same sex acceptable? 10. The lonely planet guide to the Gal pagos Islands has been loaned out of the Discovery centre again

S Send us your own Top 10 causes of stress to: editor@smugwinchester.com Contributor’s details can be withheld from publication on request.


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SMUG MIND GAMES

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¿QUE? Parting begins at first meeting. Such is the nature of paradox in our world of finities, where entropic logic drives and the whole that is greater than the sum of the parts must, of general necessity, come to a componental end. But while the whole holds, all is good. Caption Contest Winner from SMUG previous issue

Discuss. Maximum 2 0 words. Send to editor smugwinchester.com

IND THE CONNECTING WORDS THAT INISH THE OPENING AND START THE ENDING AND DISCOVER THE SECRET MESSAGE COMMON

OR NOTHING

THE WILD

CAN ONLY GET BETTER

KINGDOM

EACH HIS OWN

THESE AND DOCTOR WATCH AND

PESKY KIDS Caption Contest send to: editor smugwinchester.com

DUNNIT? IN HOPE

Answer in the Small ads OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“She was distraught. The nanny just has to bury her mother, but Catherine will lose everything if she can’t be at the gallery opening.”

WANTED Fun, Original Brain Games Turn them in at games@smugwinchester.com

Reward 2016 SMUG subscription

TRUE OR FALSE

In order to stop parents fraudulently filling in application forms for school placements, Poole Borough Council invoked anti-terrorist legislation to spy on families suspected of catchment area fraud, using covert surveillance cameras to track families. Answer in the Small ads

LEAN

ACROSS

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HORRORSCOPE S

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by Lady Arcana

Mar 24 - Apr 23

July 24 - Aug 23

Wearying as it may be, there is no way round the current dilemma and a third path is not available … at present. How long can you wait? Daisies feature strongly in the day, but may hide bees …

Smell has always been a key to memory for you, a remnant of your savannah origins. Sleep most of the day, let the woman do the work and then kill her children. Proud of yourself?

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Apr 21 - May 21

Aug 24 - Sep 23

Life and soul of the party you are not, but they also serve those who only stand and wait. Godot has something to say here. Meanwhile, avoid anyone over seven foot tall.

Whiling away the hours playing patience won’t get the bills paid, but as Chancellor you can ask someone else to do it. Knitting or crochet could be the best way for you to work things out .

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May 22 - June 22

Sep 24 - Oct 23

In two minds as ever, you know you need to revise your mortgage terms and shouldn’t pay your kids to do it for you. The full moon promises much, but may be disappointing in terms of lottery wins. Tant pis.

Balance is your thing, yet the odds are that you are currently on the losing side. Buy your boss some nice warm socks. Kittens appeal, but their indeterminacy makes you feel queasy. Avoid.

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June 23 - July 23

Tendrils strike you as both needy and powerful today, but keep moving anyway so as not to tempt them. Give generously to beggars and stop to smell a rose. Acknowledge the mystery of something living.

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Oct 24 - Nov 22

News often arrives too late and this is just the case with respect to your property interests. Jupiter will have nothing to do with it and neither should you. Try not to annoy any dogs.

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Nov 23 - Dec 21

Making a spectacle of yourself is best left to contortionists, and there are many who do not need to see you e . o e the ai hi sessions to the garage fat boy!

CAPRIHORN

Dec 22 - Jan 20

As the cosmos gathers around your home constellation to watch the upcoming super nova, be ready for sudden changes in your position. Things are about to get nautical.

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Jan 21 - Feb 19

As a book editor, be bold today and commission the craziest idea that arrives by e-mail. All others should avoid the letter F for at least the next three days. The third o fi e on the le t ill soon be yours. S

Feb 20 - Mar 20

One Scotch Bonnet is enough to ruin a curry, just as one JD can ruin a happy night of Guinness. Be on the alert for pranksters and keep checking the zip on your trousers.

What’s On Guide Brazilian mud party Venue: Barton arm Starts: pm Celebrate the Olympics in style by revelling in half-finished accommodation blocks, hunt the stadia, and get down and dirty with construction workers as we see in the opening of the 201 games Eu Farage - launch party Venue: The Old erret Starts: 9pm Nigel launches his new Eu de Cologne. Not so subtle and strong essence of watercress. Join Nigel in toasting anything you fancy. What not to wear Venue; The Wykeham Arms Starts: Any Sunday lunchtime. See Winchesters finest fashions on display. This month it is red trouser month. Get em on and come on down

Midnight mass. Venue: Winchester cathedral Starts: 9.00am All welcome, no singles, couples or groups. Watercress festival Venue: farmers field Start : 11am Amazing kaleidoscope of creativity for all the family to enjoy. Gluten free available on request. Carnivore options available. Watercress subject to seasonal availability. Open air cinema Venue: outside Start: pm Get to see Waters Ship Down on the large screen. Bring your dogs.

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An evening with Basildon Brathwaite Venue: The Guildhall Time: pm-10pm 4 hours of tales and self-indulgence with the Latin speaking former minister for the Aristocracy. Join Basildon as he recalls his career as a professional interpreter and trouser advisor to the great and the good. He can go on a bit BLACK, ALL THE WAY UP Venue: The Blackest Black Place Start: Nightfall Experience the ultimate darkness sitting in the silent basement whilst savouring a range of Black odka Cocktail recipes - Smirnoff Black Pudding smoothie, Stolly Black Treacle, Parker Black ink and ladivar ... try and join in the pass-the-parcel in the dark and identify the hidden body parts...highly questionable fun 20 a head


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Issue.3 201

LIFE IN THE UK TEST Would you pass?

Until now, only those wishing to become a British Citizen or to settle in the UK were required to pass the ‘Life in the UK Test’. With accusations levelled against the government for discriminating against ‘wouldbe British citizens’ by forcing them to pass an ‘entry’ test that many ‘already’ British citizens would fail, discussions are already underway for the test be included as part of the interview process for civil servants. The test will also be introduced as part of the selection process for jobs in the public sector, including the armed forces, the police, local government authorities, national health, public education, public transport and the ost o fi e. umour also has it that edu ation se retary, ustine reening, is set to announ e that a version of the test will be incorporated into the new 11+ exam. How would you fare?

TEST The following questions are based on official Home Office material. The test and questions are in the same format as the official test.

8 - 14 CORRECT ANSWERS = PASS 1 When did married woman gain the right to retain ownership of their own money and property? A 1 2 B 1 92 C 1 10 D 1 2 .................................................................. 2 How many member states are there in the Commonwealth? A 2 member states B 39 member states C 3 member states D member states .................................................................. 3 What is the maximum number of hours that a child can work in any school week? A 12 hours B 1 hours C 20 hours D 3 hours .................................................................. 4 Why was there a fall in the number of people migrating to the UK from the West Indies, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh in the late 1960s? A A weak British currency made Immigration less appealing B It was becoming more difficult for immigrants to find employment in the UK C New laws were introduced restricting immigration to Britain D These countries were experiencing labour shortages ..................................................................

0 - 7 CORRECT ANSWERS = FAIL 5 What proportion of women with children (of school age) are in paid work? A Half B One quarter C Three quarters D Two thirds .................................................................. 6 What is the largest ethnic minority in Britain? A Bangladeshi descent B Black Caribbean descent C Indian descent D Pakistani descent .................................................................. 7 How many members of the Scottish Parliament (MSPs) are there? A 10 B 129 C 1 D 9 .................................................................. 8 Which of the following statements is correct? A Everyone is entitled to apply for council accommodation B Only people on benefits are entitled to apply for council accommodation .................................................................. 9 What proportion of young adults in the UK have used illegal drugs at one time or another? A One quarter B One third C One half D Two thirds ..................................................................

No Googling!

10 Newspaper owners and editors do not try to in uen e ubli o inion, Is this statement true or false? A True B alse .................................................................. 11 Which one of the following parliaments or assemblies does not use proportional representation? A House of Commons B Northern Ireland Assembly C Welsh Assembly D Scottish Parliament .................................................................. 12 What percentage of children live in lone-parent families? A 5% B 10 C 2 D 40 .................................................................. 13 What percentage of the UK population say they attend religious services? A Around 10 B Around 20 C Around 30 D Around 40 .................................................................. 14 When were woman over 30 given the right to vote? A 1 40 B 1 9 C 191 D 194 ..................................................................

Answers in the Small ads 1.d 2.c 3.a 4.c 4 5.c 6.c 7.b 8.a 9.c 10.b 11.a 12.c 13.a 14.c

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APPEAL The writers and illustrators who contribute to SMUG do so with no financial reward. By using pseudonyms, nor do we seek recognition. We simply want to keep our beautiful city from disappearing up its own bottom by prompting the people of Winchester, you and I, to laugh at ourselves. We call it funny therapy. CAN YOU HELP? We are looking for 32 people to give 32 to create the 32 pages that make up a SMUG edition. Or a single donation of 1,024 by a very generous individual. Gifts of any amount, no matter how small, are gratefully accepted. HOW TO DONATE All donations can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com or a personal conversation contact the editor Lady Wench: editor smugwinchester.com

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Order your next copy of SMUG online NOW!

Signed limited edition prints of front cover artwork by Mark Michael

www.smugwinchester.com

art@smugwinchester.com

mug

SMUG ISSN 2398-3930

No.4

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£3.50! at least

WINCHESTER’S FIRST SATIRICAL MAGAZINE

WANTED Patron for SMUG editor@smugwinchester.com

THE SMUG MUG! Will cause a stir on the High Street. Comes with free handle. art smugwinchester.com

WHO wants to work for SMUG no credit, no pay, no holidays, just lots of fun

WE NEED - Copy Editor - Illustrator - Cartoonist

Collect the series NS

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WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor Max 2 0 words . We warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it poses a question, reveals a useful ‘truth’, ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request.

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We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and or legal requirements.

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Published by Winchester ilm Art CIC, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, SO23 SR Printed by Sarsen Press Cover art: Mark Michael www.markmichaelart.com Illustrator: jam jam, naustbakken

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SMUG CHALLENGE

There are two authentic ads on this page. Identify them and we’ll give the person who sends the first correct answer a free ‘centred box ad with 20 words’ in the next edition of SMUG. Email: ads smugwinchester.com

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SUPER HANDY MAN No skills But lives right next door Knock twice DEGREES, PHDs, MAs 110 authentic You want ‘em I’ve got ‘em Call Prof ‘Mad’ Larry ex Sparsholt Box 9 3 RON, DOCTOR, SELF-TRAINED Healing hands, patented cures. No anaesthetic. recovery rate 0 34 4 0333

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GAME OF THRONES Complete set. Betamax. 0 90 3 STRONG PEOPLE PERSON? E

ORTLESS CHARM? NO CONSCIENCE?

GAY, TRANS PEASANT EXTRAS

Could be an MP or If we go back in even an EMP

Wanted for lavish BBC production of early life John Keats. Email Tristram aol.com RESEARCHER

Offers to H M Parliamentary Office SW1W 1AA JANE AUSTEN’S PETITE TYPEWRITER 100 genuine. Plus rare shorthand notes from Bunty journalist days 0 3 4 233 SMUG MUG! Will cause a stir on the High Street. Comes with free handle. art smugwinchester.com

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COLIN FIRTH YOU BASTARD You stole my heart and nicked my pencil case. Emma Box 3

CHAV WANTED to hang around and harass customers Must bring own tracksuit and bottle of cider Inquire within Mcdonalds

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ELDERLY GRANDPARENT Will swap for flat near centre Box 4 MATCHSTICK MODEL of Winchester Cathedral Life size Will swap for toothbrush 0934 9 4

Collect the series DOG FOOD Collector’s tins Best before 2013 0 4 02 33 RARE 18th CENTURY MIRROR with contemporary reflections. Amazing 0 44 33

iphone 6 or Samsung Galaxy Stoned, can’t tell which Must get rid quick Call Stan

ART Mark Michael “The Basquiat of the twentyfirst century” Karen Lappon SMUG’s recommended artist

CHILDREN’S BIKE No wheels. No chain. No handlebars. ully recyclable Posie 0 34 999 MILK BOTTLE amily heirloom. Hardly used. 0 4432222

www.markmichaelart.com

Secret Message: GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT

HEADACHES? MIGRAINES? Trepanning while you wait Qualified practitioner Harestock 0 4 4 03

MARKET ANALYST c. 0k with 2m each non-taxable, golden handshake, handcuff and goodbye Required by Local Government Department to assist in the determination of future regional government and, most particularly, digestive tract end closure. No experience required. Box 9

YES, you too

NON-TOXIC Toddler tattoos 23 years experience Maureen Box 9 3 MATHS TUTOR Trigonometry, Gas bills, Phone bills, difficult sums done for A level coaching 0 4 4 0 22

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True or alse: True

To place an advert email ads smugwinchester.com Small ads 3 per word 1 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1 1 page - 0, 1 Page - 0, 1 4 - 1 0, 1 2 page - 2 , ull page standard - 3 0, ull page inside front back cover gloss - 4 0, ull page back cover 0

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To SMUG The art of teasing oneself in a way that makes one laugh and cry at the same time. To tickle or lighty spank one’s own ego. A laxtive for the soul.

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SMUG ISSN 2398-3930

No.44 Issue

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£3.50! £3.50 at least

N S S S 96 SATIRICAL MAGAZINE N WINCHESTER’S FIRST


Issue.4 2017

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YOU don’t need to have had fun poked at you by SMUG to be on the receiving end of a blow to the ego. It’s enough to be trundling along your chosen path to happiness, minding your own business, when SLAP? BANG WALLOP something happens, a betrayal, a loss, an illness, the unexpected appearance of some bastard with an axe to grind, or simply the dawning realisation that time has passed you by, and, before you know it, you are down on your knees with you head in your hands, muttering the words, “What the hell just happened? Where am I? How did I get here? Where am I going? And who is that miserable looking git in the mirror?” My own recent existential meltdown was caused by an event that had me doubting the very belief on which the existence of this magazine (and therefore I) depend - that fair old Winchester, after an eternity of dining out on its membership to the exclusive club at the big table, handed down from great, great, great, great grandfathers, now suffers from such delusions of grandeur that it is in danger of disappearing up its own bottom. That Winchester can help save itself from itself if its afflicted inhabitants attend their prescribed quarterly sessions of SMUG funny therapy and admit that behind its excruciatingly polite veneer of sociability dwell the same self-destructive forces of greed, hypocrisy, incompetence and complacency that thrive in all deluded souls. (Froggy forgets he rides the scorpion, SMUG Issue 1) .

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The event that caused me to question whether SMUG could ever succeed in its mission occurred during a spoof political campaign that was supposed to gently confront Winchester with its delusion of grandeur, by inviting Wintonians to vote for Winchester to secede from the UK and form the independent sovereign state of Wintonia (SMUG Issue 2). Yes, you guessed it, someone actually asked to join the party. “I am too late,” I wailed, “Winchester is doomed.” I was overreacting, of course. SMUG was only two issues old. As with all first sessions of therapy, it is only natural for a patient to cling to their delusion. It was only a matter of time before SMUG would provoke a reaction. But issue 3 of SMUG came and went, and Winchester did not so much as flinch. On the contrary, one of our more risky therapeutic interventions, a dig in the ribs of a local estate agent, whom we shall refer to here as Charters, for that is their name, provoked nothing more than a friendly phone call from the manager saying how much he enjoyed being lampooned by SMUG. All this could surely only mean one of three things: 1. Winchester secretly enjoys being spanked (Note to self, don’t mention Wincol and Christian Bash Camps) 2. Winchester is not in danger of disappearing up its own bottom. 3. For SMUG’s funny therapy to be effective, along with the gentle rib tickling and light spanking, some well aimed blows to the ego are required…after all, Winchester is a super heavyweight, right? Who, how, will the scorpion strike? We’ll see... Editor, Lady Wench, @smugw

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Magazine forced to deny ‘fake news’ IN a stormy press conference yesterday, the editor of SMUG, Winchester’s first satirical magazine, issued a forceful rebuttal to critics who claimed the magazine was riddled with fake news items and unconfirmed reports from dubious sources. Denying reports of cyber-hacking, the beleaguered proprietor defended SMUG’s policies and those of her editorial team: “Our stated mission is to stop this city disappearing up its own self-important bottom. To that end, our staff will do their utmost to carry on fearlessly reporting hearsay, relaying half-truths and compounding rumours with fabrications. Never ever will they let facts get in the way of a good story.” Winchileaks The proliferation of fake news items has led to widespread turmoil in the mainstream media leading pundits to suppose that the Brexit vote and the Trump election were unduly influenced by rogue news farms and email leaks. A follow up press release from SMUG stated: “We now live in the era of posttruth and the Daily Echo chamber. In contrast to many news organisations, every word SMUG publishes is free from factchecking and un-vetted by a team of highly paid lawyers. We stand by all our previous stories, including our recent scoop that King Alfred was a cross-dressing tranny tyrant and the disclosure that Winchester bus station is to be declared a World Heritage Site. These are alternative facts”

A recent story that Shep, a Badger Farm border collie, was running for Mayor, was also corroborated by several totally unreliable and inebriated sources. Despite the accusations, the magazine said it had received email leaks traceable to US sources and was persisting in its intention to run a potentially explosive story involving the new President and an alleged amorous liaison with one of Winchester’s famous water voles (aka gerbils). Commenting that the city’s ‘intelligence community’ had been misled and offended by SMUG’s reports in past issues, the editor was unrepentant: “The problem for Winchester is not fake news but genuine ignorance. Fact.” (Additional reporting by Winchester College Freemasons, Arlesford branch of the KKK and A Bloke in the Pub)

Issue.4 2017

NEWS IN BRIEF STOCKBRIDGE woman slams fete for ‘pathetic’ sherry raffle prize HYDE900 stages 900 day reenactment of Battle of Silver Hill

CHESTER to sue Winchester for breach of ‘chester’ copyright REFUGEES add “much needed colour”: St Cross mum’s group JAILED ACTRESS: what I said to the bishop in private was innocent joke DRIVER fined for parking in council wheelie bin LGBT MARCH cancelled in argument over what to wear

Still avoiding extradition from her ed it t e edito o i c e te satirical organ

OLIVER’S BATTERY man charged

Winchester BID splits year in two: ‘Before-Christmas’ and ‘After-Christmas” CITIZENS of Winchester may have thought that their year fell into four familiar seasons of spring, summer, autumn and winter. But now, Winchester BID is proposing that the year be divided into just two halves: BC and AC. According to the new plan, ‘Before Christmas’ will begin in June and last until the end of the year and given over entirely to promoting Yuletide festivities and ‘driving consumer purchases’. It will then be followed by ‘After Christmas’, a six month period extending from January to June when holidays, new fad diets and gyms can be marketed intensively.

Local tinsel manufacturer Roy Greed who heads the committee explained: “We did a straw poll in the office canteen and found that people want quick, simple, easy to remember dates. So let’s get rid of the old seasons - they’re a complete waste of time and, besides, the weather’s crap all year round.” A BID representative said their plan would simplify the calendar and concentrate the minds of residents on what they do best. “More shopping will be good for business, good for tourism and good for tinsel. Winchester will retain its position as the prime retail destination in the South and the street decorations and

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German market might as well stay up all year round.”

e e ie o i c e te controversial new calendar

So here it is: BC


Issue.4 2017

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NEWS IN BRIEF PHONE-SHOP-cum-barbershop-cum-coffee-shop solution for high street

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Trump/May deal: entire UK to become “one big, beautiful golf course”

ISLE OF WIGHT model village: third night of rioting and looting HAMPSHIRE not as mortifyingly dull as expected, say ex-London house buyers REDUCE POLLUTION, move city to coast, urges planning consultant “SYRIA NOT GOING AWAY” complains housing official TRAIN seen at station: mystery thickens

Channel swimmer forced to turn back AN ATTEMPT to swim the channel was today foiled by bureaucracy. Mr Ted Leather, aged 86 of Winchester, had got to within touching distance of the beach in Calais when disaster struck. What he thought was a welcoming committee waving at him was a squadron of Gendarmes and custom officials, who informed him due to the BREXIT result he was no longer allowed to land, unless he was an asylum seeker. “Not only did I swim there, I was forced to swim back!” said Mr Leather “It’s bureaucracy gone mad. That Mr Farage has a lot to answer for!” We interviewed one of the custom officers who said “Hop off Johnny foreigner”. Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment.

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Prime Sucker May

Prize Twat Trump

CITY and business leaders were buoyant today following the latest meeting with President Donald Trump and the Prime Minister Theresa May which indicated promise future trade deals with the UK. Hopes centred on the President’s grand vision for the UK as a leisure-oriented, themed-park, tax-haven consisting of one continuous golf course from John O’Groats to Penzance, populated with strategically placed casinos, castles and towers. Local developers were delighted by the opportunities in leisure and retail sectors that would, they pointed out, filter down to the best performing counties. Giles St John-Pratt, executive leader of a local business syndicate said: “In Hampshire, we’re in a prime position to take advantage of the President’s innovative vision. As we see it, Winchester is squarely on the fairway for Trump development, with Silver Hill ideally placed as a major casino/retail/leisure/ business park complex. We’ll be ahead of the game and operating above par over cities like Guildford and Basingstoke,

which will probably end up being bunkers on the UK golf course.” Reg Lard, councillor for Basingstoke West, was quick to point out that a bunker was the best place to be when there was a “prize twat” in charge of the nuclear codes. The syndicate says it is poised to make developing deals that could be worth tens of millions. Speculating on the financial future for Winchester, St John-Pratt said: “As for tax breaks, we’ll be copying the big guy in the White House and breaking every tax law we can”.

The future for Basingstoke?

Hyde900 receives Lottery grant A wheelie bin is to receive a Lottery grant of £33,600 after Hyde900 researchers established a definitive link with King Alfred the Great. “The first clue was the burnt pack of Mr Kipling’s Country Slices poking out the top of the bin” said Professor Teddy Celery, Hyde900 luminary and leading Alfredologist. “Then, digging deeper, we found to our delight the remains of a large doner kebab with extra chilli sauce. Bede states explicitly in his Chronicles that Alfred always visited City Kebab after a Friday night out on the razz.” Hyde900 plan to spend the grant money on an augmented virtual reality guided tour of the bin which will open to all (provided they have the latest smartphones) to explore all year round,

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except every other Thursday, when it’s bin day.

Virtual reality tour prototype


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“My beach burka hell” by IOW nun IN an exclusive interview with SMUG, Sister Iris Loyola, a 53 year-old nun attached to St Grundy’s Episcopal Church in Ryde, spoke openly of her trauma on an Isle of Wight beach when she became the victim of a local crowd who demanded she take off her burka. Enjoying a stroll in the sunshine, Sister Iris was accosted by a vicious gang who taunted her dress sense and abused her with cruel jokes and hurtful catcalls. “I was sore afraid” said Sister Iris. “They were drinking from cans and were ill-mannered in the extreme, calling me names like ‘Batman’ and ‘terrorist’. The louts tortured the hapless nun with verbal abuse and demanded she unmask and take off her hijab and sunbathe ‘like a normal person’. Tweets and pictures claiming ISIS had landed on Ventnor beach later caused a sudden rush for the ferries to the mainland and WightLink to put up its prices by 200%. Local police later arrested three Ryde schoolboys in connection with the incident and charged them with inducing hate crime. The distraught nun was recovering yesterday with a large scotch and holy water in a nearby hostel. “The Lord will forgive them for they know not what they do,” added the sister.

Police officers investigating the altercation confirmed that a recent byelaw did exist which specifically allowed for sun-bathing in Batman outfits on that particular stretch of sand.

NEWS IN BRIEF MR FUSSY AND MR PERFECT confirmed as new Winchester Festival organisers STARBUCKS REBRANDING better reflects its moral standing claims CEO

Christmas market a ‘gweat’ success 53 year old Sister Iris. Not to be confused with Sister Isis.

Over generous spirit of Wintonians behind new ‘Guide to Fair Begging’ claims disgruntled street dweller IN response to complaints made by ‘honest’ members of the Homeless Cooperative that some less-then-honest street dwellers have been profiteering from the over generous nature of Wintonians, a new Wintonian Guide to Fair Begging can now be found on the walls of all major tunnels, doorways and passageways. According to Catherine Chord, a spokesperson for the Homeless Cooperative, “The new Guide aims to foster a healthier, more transparent and trusting relationship between the homeless and those with homes. Let’s face it, many residents seem to believe that being homeless is a life choice. We believe that every person in need should be given the benefit of the doubt and the right to a fair hand-out because, Our Guide to Fair Begging will not only save money for homeowners but also increase the income for the genuinely honest homeless. It’s a win win outcome for everyone.” Included in The Guide is the actual cost of a night in the night-shelter (free if you are not drunk and genuinely homeless),

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and unacceptable gypsy curses such as ‘not being able to sire a male heir’ or ‘your livestock will lay funny’. The Guide also provides guidelines on homeless etiquette, such as always saying ‘Have a nice day’ when ignored by a home owner, and not approaching customers in open spaces, unless in exceptional circumstances, i.e., needing £25 to make up the cost of a train ticket required as a result of a constant need to get back to London.

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Nationally advertised Winchester Christmas market has declared itself to be a resounding success this year, as bus loads of visitors came from far and wide attracted by the chance to visit this great event. However the rumour that was circulating, of there being something new or worthwhile to buy this year, could not be substantiated. One Chinese lady was effusive about the market and Winchester itself. “I love it” she said. “I’m from Beijing, and I think the modernist architecture of the cathedral as a backdrop is very implessive. I had mulled wine and also bought tat { ed hat? }. I love the town too, and the way that restaurants are named after places, or the food they serve - Fish tale; Mucky Duck; Greyhound and Black Lat to name but four. We will try the Green Man next. Winall is a beautiful place to live.” Her friend held her hand and said she thought the whole situation was iwonic.

Local delicacy a hit with Chinese


Issue.4 2017

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Council trials ‘self-cleaning city’ proposal AS a means of cutting down on the amount of litter on our streets, the Council has now proposed that there be a ‘find fine’ system imposed on food outlets across the city. It is intended that readily identifiable litter arising from any of the food takeaway businesses can be ‘found’, by anyone, and on return to the vendor the finder is refunded 1, this then effectively acting as a ‘fine’ on the vendor. It is hoped that as a result vendors will make sure to emphasise to their customers that they should dispose of all wrappings and leftovers responsibly as, after all, if they persist in littering, the costs of the fines will be passed on to them, the customers, anyway. A recent trial of the system in the northeast of the city, covering ten outlets in all, saw an unexpected variety of responses from vendors and customers alike. Quickest to realise the benefits, of course, were the street folk who, on being thrown out of their overnight accommodations

and unable to return until at least sundown, developed a network across the city of collectors and cashers. Bill, a transient resident of the City Road area, claims to be making £40 an hour.” Customers, meanwhile, with their usual guile and cunning, have realised that if they keep all their packaging, they can use it as an effective discount against their next food order. This positive and financial reinforcement of socially responsible behaviour is to be commended, but some of the city centre food outlets have had to employ security guards or buy CCTV cameras to watch their own bins, teenagers having realised that staying close to the source of the litter was the best and least-effort way forward. The key instrument for the Council to put in place before the scheme can be rolled out across the city is to ensure that all takeaway outlets use packing which can be readily identified, and this will be discussed and agreed at the next full Council meeting.

Architect sheds light on new structure

COMMUTERS, car park enthusiasts and connoisseurs of fine architecture are holding their breath as Slow Wet Trains finally reveal their modernist masterpiece at Winchester Station. Called ‘Symphonic Inishitive No. 9 Dream’, the installation is designed to hold motor cars in a state of temporary stasis, allowing the drivers to alight and take their trains to faraway places. Director Monsieur Francois Controlle, said: “We are delighted to be working with world-renowned architect Henry Le Greenenjin on this important car park project. He spent some time in his design tunnel, but now he’s back on track. We know that the eyes of the world are on Winchester as this masterpiece comes to light, so we are hoping that it will be just the ticket!” LeGreenenjin said: “I ‘af based ma design on ze British institution, ah, ‘ow you say, fort de jardin – a garden shed. I waz eempressed by ze interlocking leaves of wood, zo I eff used interlocking metal in ma creation. Eeet iz bewteefool, no?” M. Controlle said: “the creation represents heaven and hell. The hell of driving to work is shown by the dark pit at the base of the car park. The heaven of commuting is then created by the beautiful top level where the sun shines.” Le Greenenjin was inspired by the Shed School of Architecture, famous for its creation of potting sheds:

Inspired by the Shed School of Architecture “Potting sheds represent escape from the pointlessness of modern life and that pointlessness is a good metaphor for our structure. But we have moved things on. The material we have chosen, a pearly grey metal sheet, known as a plank, absorbs the light to create a subdued ambience. We have patented the colour as ‘Dull Grey’. Our hope is that this landmark development will take its place alongside the other jewels in the Winchester crown, such as the Cathedral, the Buttercross and the Brooks Shopping Centre and that it, too, will be admired in a thousand years’ time.” Commuters have responded in interesting ways to the new creation. One man, with a big smiley face and a blue striped coat, who only wished to be known as Thomas, said: “What is it?” A Lady Mayoress, who happened to be passing by in her robes, said: “Not on my watch, pal”. Rumours that the car park will include a new coffee shop, a hairdresser, a tattoo parlour and an estate agent or two are yet to be confirmed.

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Local volunteer litter collector Terry Young soon to be squids in

New service for SWT customers Slow Wet Trains have announced an exciting new passenger inishitive for 2017. Called the Hyggyspace, the new development is specifically available on the 07.48 to Waterloo. Said Station Director M. Francois Controllee: “This is one of our most popular trains. People love being able to stand up and snuggle up to their neighbours. So with warmth and Danish Hygge in mind, we have added an extra space for people to squeeze into, just outside the toilets. The space will be draped with carpets, scarves and old copies of the Metro. People will be allowed to lie on top of each other and generate the kind of hot air that we at SWT love.” The new Higgyspace ticket costs £999.99.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Dear God, he can’t even put the duvet on the bed the right way...how he holds down a job as a surgeon I’ll never know...”


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Issue.4 2017

INTERVIEW with SIMON BREWIN

WISPa Ed ucatio n S e c re tary

by Jody Redmires (JR) jodyredmires.com

SB: “Well that may be so...but all this wishy-washy liberalism is just-plain wrong.”

Following on from my interview with Will Savage, the party leader of the Wintonian Independent Secessionist Party (WISPa), Education Secretary Simon Brewin opens up to SMUG about WISPa’s plans for schools in New Wintonia should they gain victory in the July referendum for an independent Winchester. WHEN I first met Simon Brewin SB it was at the end of a round of golf he had enjoyed with his friend and fellowWISPian Will Savage (see Smug, Issue #3). We exchanged few words on that occasion, but I recall being startled by one of his policies: “We’re bringing back the eleven-plus” he said, before adding “except for Harestock – they’re all inbreds there, so no point – just one Sec/ Mod should do them”. This seemed a good point on which to open our chat, to which he replied: SB: “Yes, I was disappointed that you published that remark, Mr Redmires – not at all helpful. In fact, with such irresponsible journalism, you were being a bit of an enemy-of-the-people. You clearly chose to misrepresent the tonguein-cheek little jab I was having at the expense of the former head of Ofsted” JR: “So, Harestock will not be getting a single Secondary Modern school?” SB: “Of course not, We are Wintonia We don’t DO ‘Secondary-moderns’ I can confidently promise that when WISPa helps Wintonians to take back control, every secondary school in the District will have grammar school status”. JR: “But aren’t you re-introducing the eleven plus?” SB: ”Absolutely”. JR: “Soooo...doesn’t that mean that pupils who fail the eleven plus won’t have a Secondary education at all?” SB: “Of course they will It’s called Eastleigh Comprehensive” JR: But doesn’t that lie outside of your proposed boundaries for Wintonia?

“All this wishy-washy liberalism is just plain wrong.” JR: “Because it’s producing a generation of people who think your views are oldfashioned?” SB: “Because these teachers subliminally pass on their values to those they teach. It’s a sinister, covert process of brainwashing.” JR: “So should we replace teachers with (say) so-called captains of industry? SB: “Now you’re thinking, Jody!” SB: “Exactly……sink-estate kids for a sink-estate town! But it will only be for a few years, whilst we set-about the task of reforming our Primary Schools, after which no-one will fail the eleven-plus again” JR: “Why, what changes do you intend to make to our Primary Schools?”

JR: “But how do we get these captains of industry into the classroom? The Lords Alan Sugar and Richard Branson of this world are too busy looking out for #1, surely? They’re not going to jump into a £35k per annum teaching post?”

SB: At the moment there’s too much of that Baa-Baa-ethnically-diverse-sheep stuff, and Mary had a little lamb, it’s facecolour, an irrelevance. The minds of the young are being poisoned by a ‘liberal left’ teaching profession.”

SB: “That’s very true, but these people write books. Autobiographies, books, top-tips about the secrets of their success, that sort of thing. So we should put these books onto the Wintonian National Reading List and get the existing teachers to adhere to those. That way, Wintonia becomes a hotbed of entrepreneurism!”

JR: “So...an education is a ‘bad thing’?

JR: “Any other authors you have in mind?

SB: “Not any education. Just the education system we currently have. Let’s replace it”. JR: “With?”

SB: “Generally, anyone who has made a few bob off their own bat. Except perhaps for that Anita Roddick woman...bloody brown-rice and sandals freak. Now, Jeffrey Archer would be ideal”.

SB: “With one different to this one.”

JR: “But he writes fiction ”

JR: “But 99 per cent of teachers are liberalminded. Surely, it’s the very nature of the profession? It goes with the territory of caring about future generations, rather than caring about oneself. Besides which, if someone wants their son or daughter to grow up as a selfish person then there’s always Private Schools....if you can afford it...and if you can’t, then well frankly, tough. And there endeth the first lesson in selfishness.”

SB: “Still made a pretty penny out of it though, hasn’t he?...Then there’s David Bowie”

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JR: “David B? Now you’ve completely wrong-footed me – why Bowie? SB: “Well Jody, when he wasn’t making hippy music, he was a bit of a financial whizz-kid – you might want to Google: ‘Bowie Bonds’.


Issue.4 2017

JR: “Ah right, so Bowie’s not going on the National Curriculum from a cultural perspective, but from a profit-making one?” SB: “It’s important to teach the young of Wintonia the importance of selfsufficiency. After they have made their first couple of million, then they can become a pop icon and buggeroff to a Bhuddist Monastery if they really want. There are too many skint musicians sponging off the dole in midHampshire...’bout time they got a bloody proper job, instead of wailing Bob Dylan covers” JR: “Who else will be ‘approved reading’?” SB: Adam Smith...Milton Friedman... Margaret Thatcher’s published memoirs.” JR: “Mein Kampf?” SB: “Now you’re just being silly, and irresponsible. Project Fear again.” JR: “OK, let’s get onto the subject of art history. Michael Gove has removed it from classrooms in the rest of England. Will WISPa re-introduce it? SB: “We are all for art – proper art – of the type you find in Tate Britain...Turner, and that kind of thing. But not what you get in the Tate Modern, all that Damien Hirst, Tracey Emin kind of stuff. Do you really want our kids to grow up thinking that they can make a fortune out of an unmade bed? I certainly don’t. My childrens beds are inspected for neatness at 7.30 am every morning (weekends excepted)”

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Commemorative plaques divide City THE sudden appearance in Winchester of commemorative plaques on walls, pavements, trees and even playground installations has caused bemusement, amusement and consternation among an increasingly divided Winchester public. The controversial ‘Wintonian’ plaques, similar to the ceramic National Trust plaques in London, serve as historical markers by commemorating links between the location they are installed and famous people or events. Among the notable people and events commemorated are Ernest Hemingway for clearing his nose on the pavement outside what is now Smiths, playwrite Harold Pinter for orchestrating a conga line outside the Guildhall whilst drunk, Lord Byron for entertaining the possibility of purchasing some powdered rhino horn as a sexual stimulant in Curle’s Passage, and T.S Eliot’s brother-in-law for sitting on a bench on St Giles Hill and calling the poem The Wasteland shit.

Banksy Artist Thought about painting something on this wall but changed his mind. !

February 2005

“Do you really want our kids to grow up thinking they can make money out of an unmade bed?” JR: “Finally, many parents will want to know if their children will be able to qualify with Wintonian A-levels that carry an equivalent weighting to those in the rest of England, and (thus) that they will be able to attend Oxbridge, UCL, Imperial etc. Can you guarantee that this will be the case?” SB: “I can guarantee it, but I can also guarantee that it won’t be necessary to leave Wintonia in order to get a good degree. The University of Winchester is currently carving out a nice little niche for itself, thank you very much.” JR: “On that note, Simon Brewin, thank you very much”.

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Spotted on North Walls While it is still unclear as to who is behind the ‘cultural initiative’, the plaques have sparked fierce and varied responses, with ‘Take them Down’ and ‘Keep them Up’ campaigners both trying to do just that. Tim Meadon from the ‘Take them Down’ side explains why the plaques should be removed. “Apart from being vulgar and common, the information on the plaques is not only historically inaccurate, it is not even historical. One of the events commemorated supposedly happened only last week! Winchester has spent thousands of years earning its reputation as an international heritage site. This ‘plague of plaques’ is a kick in the teeth of anyone with a sense of what is good, right and proper. It is all just very un-Winchester.”

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oi it d i i tt i wall once ages ago” - Westgate Will Manning from the ‘Keep them Up’ Campaign disagrees. “In our era of post truth, it’s not objective facts and historical accuracy that move people. It’s things that make us feel. You can’t say that for the nasal bone of some dismembered skeleton or an old coin no-one can spend.” As to whether the information on the plaques is authentic, local resident Myna Key insists that the one commemorating singer songwriter Adele snapping an Amy Winehouse CD in half definitely is ‘true’. “I saw her with my own eyes,” says a star-struck Mrs. Key. “And I though it was Amy who was the jealous one, which just goes to show, you can’t believe everything you read in the papers. The plaques are a real eye-opener.” The authenticity of another plaque that commemorates Cleopatra at her final resting place has also been substantiated by the current owner of the property. Says a tearful Mrs. Brown, “Cleopatra was the beloved cat of my late mother, God bless her soul. If you want proof, you can dig her up. The cat, that is, not my mother!” Local tourists value the plaques so highly they take them home with them, as is the case with a plaque that commemorates the finals days of Winchester’s most famous author, Jane Austen. Says a defiant Natassa Theodoridou from Athens, “Give us back the Elgin marbles and I’ll return your Jane plaque.” Nobody has yet claimed responsibility for the Wintonian plaques and, given that a number of complaints have now been lodged with the police, the Hampshire constabulary are appealing for information and urge any witnesses to come forward.

YOUR SAY What commemorative plaque would you like to see in Winchester? editor@smugwinchester.com


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Issue.4 2017

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST ‘plaque plague’ prime suspect revealed Information about the identity of those responsible for Winchester’s ‘Plaque Plague’ has found its way to SMUG. While the plaques may not in themselves be illegal, complaints have been lodged about the effect this rather ‘common’, i.e., modern, cultural initiative is having on Winchester’s image. Lawyers from a number of local organisations are arguing that the plaques are not simply an affront on the grounds of good taste, but their placement could constitute a myriad of crimes including graffiti, vandalism, fly-posting and being rude to someone in a public space. So, who is to blame?

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n a city so very rich with cultural interests, which extend to the city and county councils, civic societies, residents associations, The Round Table and local lodge, as well as various festivals and arts trusts and anyone with far too much time on their hands, there are a lot of fingers pointing at a lot of suspects. SMUG has been advised, however, that increasing pressure is being put on the local police to stop the ‘plague’ primarily because of the risk to Winchester’s World Heritage Site bid, and it is this fact that marks the Hampshire Cultural Trust (HCT) as the most likely perpetrator! So is this a complete break from the HCT tradition of operating in secret (their advertising is usually so poor that they might just as well) or a brilliant and innovative ‘awareness-raising’ campaign that threatens to backfire? Our cultural correspondent Alanna Loveless explores the possibilities and more closely examines the HCT motive, means and opportunity.

The Hampshire Cultural Trust - Who are they?

According to itself, “Hampshire Cultural Trust was established in 2014 to promote Hampshire as a great cultural county by delivering countywide outreach programmes that bring culture to local communities. In addition, we look after 2.5 million objects relating to Hampshire’s internationally significant cultural heritage.” (This is mostly an assortment of moth-eaten old frocks, broken pottery and boxes of bones).

motive

The Wintonian Plaque campaign could be seen as HCT simply doing its job of delivering “outreach programmes that bring great culture to local communities”, but the HCT has also declared an ulterior motive. As published in The Hampshire Chronicle (Dec. 2016), the HCT hope to ensure that the ‘walled city” of Winchester takes its rightful place on the world stage by joining “the ranks of the Grand Canyon, Taj Mahal and the Great Barrier Reef as it bids to be named a World Heritage Site”.

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Alan Lovell, the HCT Chairman, doesn’t actually believe the city has any real chance of succeeding in its bid, but forty odd thousand pounds required for preliminary work will help rally the troops and get the Trust’s master plan off the ground, which (surprise, surprise) involves more excavations of King Alfred’s toenail clippings, digging up more skeletons, and a new museum in which to house them all because, according to Lovell, Winchester has “undersold its fantastic history. It should be a world heritage site.” However, whilst Lovell & Co happily work to promote historic Winchester as the centre and origin of a nation, they still have to convince UNESCO and it is here the perfidy begins. We have to guess the thinking is that if one plaque commemorating the final few days in the life of Jane Austen can provide Winchester with ownership of her whole life, just think what it would do for Winchester to similarly own Ernest Hemingway, Dame Judy Dench or Adele. The evidence mounts…


Issue.4 2017

mEANS

Whilst leader Lovell owns the World Heritage Site bid strategy, the HCT are of course not alone in their quest and have partners in Winchester Cathedral, the University of Winchester, The English Project, Hyde 900 and the Centre for English Identity. Between them, they have more than enough physical and imaginative resource to produce the plaques.

OPPORTUnity

The major challenge is the placement of the plaques, but with such a partner as the University of Winchester it is not beyond imagination that a few uni students (or college quiristers perhaps) could have been persuaded that the task of ‘secretly’ blue-tacking plate-like objects around the city after a night out on the raz might be a real hoot, especially when ‘Daddy’ is providing all the White Lightning and Prosecco you can drink!?

why haven’t hct claimed responsibility

It turns out that the majority of individuals and organisations to whom the HCT cultural initiative should have appealed in fact consider the plaques to be “common, vulgar and un-Winchester” because they have no historical value, i.e, they refer to phenomenon occurring within the last 250 years. It is, therefore, perhaps not surprising that HCT is keeping its distance from the possibly criminal activity underpinning the mounting of a ‘guerrilla advertising’ campaign that now threatens to backfire. On the other hand, if the silence is because the HCT is not behind the plaques, we’ll have to start looking at the cultural partners who stand to lose as a result of the bias towards ancient history. The Art School, then, becomes first suspect More in next issue...

Wintonian Heritage plaque on facade of the Hotel du Vin & Bistro.

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Winchester businesses trial ‘honest’ message A Which? survey has identified the most annoying phrase used by businesses in recorded telephone messages. This is an assurance that the caller is a “valued customer”. The inherent lack of sincerity leads to customer distrust, and hence local companies are trialling more evidently truthful words. If no staff are available, callers to one major Winchester retailer hear the following: “Thank you for your call. No staff are currently available. Please follow the instructions below so you don’t waste our time. You might be some whingeing complainer with a personality disorder, for example. God knows we get enough of those now every consumer believes they’re important with a near psychopathic conviction. You might even be an automated PPI scam. If you’re enormously rich, press one. You might be Richard Branson, for example. If you’re Rupert Murdoch, however, hang up now. We may be profit driven, but we’re not without some sense of ethics and common decency. When you press one, your number will be logged. If you’re pissing us about, future calls will be blocked. If one of our products has caused a massive problem, press two. For example, a mobile phone we sold you might have blown up and downed a 747 over the Atlantic. In such cases, we might pay you to keep your mouth shut. If you’re anyone else, you can wait until more customer care advisers turn up. The delay’s your own fault. Everyone complained when our call centre was in India. At least our staff arrived on time then because India has a reliable train service. Now the call centre’s in Winchester we’re at the mercy of those flat-capped luddites who staff Southern Rail. Bring back Thatcher, we say. The rail union needs to be crushed like she crushed the NUM before the whole country’s held to ransom by unelected, self-interested plebs with no grasp of the bigger picture. Anyway, as you’re paying for this call and it’s probably cost you three quid already, you might want to hang up and try your luck later. If you wait, we’ll play some dreadful, distorted music. Enjoy.”

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NEWS IN BRIEF JOKE SHOP staff reject ‘not good enough’ fancy dress for marathon HAT FAIR relocates to upstairs cupboard above pasty shop TRANS PERSON sues council for “inappropriate” public toilets ALRESFORD HOG ROAST anti Semitic say protesters TINY MOUSE found living in microscope

Order your next copy of SMUG online NOW! www.smugwinchester.com

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SMUG ISSN 2398-3930

No.5

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£3.50! at least

WINCHESTER’S FIRST SATIRICAL MAGAZINE

OVERHEARD in THE CORNER HOUSE

“That’s a lovely jacket, it looks very warm.” “Yes, it’s a ski jacket.” “Do you ski a lot?” “Not really. Only once a year.”


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WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (Max 200 words) editor@smugwinchester.com We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Reward: Catharsis Dear SMUG, Reward While undertaking some Christmas shopping near the cathedral I came upon two delightful children aged around 10 and eight. Beautifully attired, they were probably brother and sister, They were duetting on violins and one of the cases was open in order to receive donations from passers by. It was such a pleasure to observe the results of good parenting, and I placed a 5 pound note into their case. I then walked on ten yards or so only to be confronted by some kind of vagrant. Half wrapped within his sleeping bag he had scrawled “HOMELESS PLEASE HELP” onto a piece of card beside an upturned cap. I decided not to reward such a spectacular lack of effort, as it could only send the wrong message to the enterprising siblings I had just been listening to. If you want to get something out of life, put something into it. Yours Sylvia Stewart West Downs

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Issue.4 2017

Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG

Springwatch It is often said that life it at its least visible in the bleak-midwinter but if you loo carefully, it is still possible to nd signs of colour and activity. The students returning to the city after their December migration provide the best display of this. There are the bright colours of the rugby union shirts worn by the males as they go about their mating rituals, and the bright red and pink lipsticks worn by the females as they do the same. Then there are the delicate red and green hues of the discarded pizza boxes, the green and yellow Subway wrappers, and the bright yellow of their vomitpiles, which (by the next daylight) have been broken down by bacteria into a whole rainbow of colours. Forget Springwatch.......this is the real thing.

Stream train uprising “Post-truth” isn’t just a modern day phenomenon. If you look back in early episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine, the Diesel engines always got a bad press. The steam-supremacists agenda was never very far beneath the surface. Fascism hasn’t recently returned, it simply never left. The portrayal of the Diesels by the Reverend W H Audry was (In retrospect) an early red ag as to the racist mess this country ould nd itself in several decades later. The publication of “Diesel 10 means trouble” was the precise moment we should have stepped in and said: “Enough is enough”. And now what have got? Steam enthusiasts rising-up all over the place, telling us that we should go back to the days of the Mallard and the Flying Scotsman.

Yours, Gordon Hough, SO23 Dear SMUG

Yours, Anderson Barnett, Hyde Dear SMUG

Who owns the sea? I’m confused about the UK post-Brexit sheries policy Apparently, Britain owns The Sea. If the English Channel belongs to the English (and not the French - otherwise it ould have been called the ippin’ French Channel, wouldn’t it?) then does the North Sea only belong to the north - and is that North England or North Scotland? Or north-northland? The Norwegian Sea must presumably belong to Norway. The Baltic Sea must belong to the three Baltic states. The Atlantic Ocean must belong to the people of the lost city of Atlantis. And the Mediterranean must belong to Tolkien’s people of the middle earth he aci c Ocean belongs to the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. The South China Sea belongs only to South China - so the people of Beijing can just do-one if they think they are going to get any bloody sh What about landlocked countries such as Austria and olivia? o they get no sh too? How does this work? And how does this affect Winchester if we vote to leave the UK next July 15th? Can we lay a legal claim on a stretch of the Itchen - say from Alresford through to Shawford? Yours Kevin Bryant, Olivers Battery

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Slopey I was watching ‘Homes under the Hammer’ this morning and the ‘subtitles’ facility on my TV happened to be activated. James Alexander walked into a dilapidated property in Stoke-on-Trent and promptly announced that the walls and oors are a bit slopey I would like to know at precisely what point in time did the EU decide it was appropriate to insert a gratuitous ‘e’ in ‘slopy’, and when did the EU Commission circulate this directive to the various subtitling-editors of our TV channels? It’s precisely this decline in British standards that subverts our society. As a fellow Wintonian I ask you, would Jane Austen ever have inserted an ‘e’ in ‘slopy’? I think-not. The sooner we are rid of these silly EU regulations and bring back units of measurement such as ‘pecks’ and ‘bushels’, the better. Yours tella

lenburg, ul ood OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Cinderella was a dreadful social climber.”


Issue.4 2017

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Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG

Taking back control I recently took my car for a full service, only to be told by the mechanic that there was considerable work required and that the total cost including labour would be £1,400. And then I recalled Michael Gove telling us that we’ve “had enough of experts”, and that things have gone so swimmingly since 23/6. So I politely informed the mechanic that I will arrange things myself. I put my car in my own garage and proceeded to locate the faulty parts. It was a fresh experience. The thrill of ‘taking back control’ from the mechanic was one I shall never forget. I now have complete control over my engine, which currently lies in 137 different parts on my garage oor have control over the large heavy silvery bit. I have control over the shiny sharp sticky-outey thing. But most impressive of all is the degree of control I have over the black-rubbery-loopey-tubey part. If I raise it above my head and twirl it around and around, it makes a ‘WOO’ noise, a bit like an Australian didgeridoo. All in all, this has been an empowering exercise, and one that is currently saving me £350 per week in petrol and other car-related expenses such as insurance and wear and tear. The odometer has not moved since rst ent under the bonnet I shall use this saved money to buy private health insurance instead.

£3,942,000 per year! As a current sufferer of PTSD for which, by necessity, as a result of the sin of omission being committed by H M Forces in failing to supply psychiatric support and social care to excombatants, I am forced to self-medicate with surgical spirit and Diamond White (2 parts to 1, with ice, preferably) and thus spend a lot of time lying around the station and environs. As a result of this I have noticed how drivers are liable to fail to understand that they should not be driving into or be leaving the station forecourt directly via the City Road/Andover Road/Sussex Street junction. Access of course is only for buses, taxis or bikes. Despite confusing signage, too much signage, no useful signage and the road colour indicating this access restriction having worn off, all can still perfectly fairly be charged with ‘driving without due care and attention’. To that end, in order to provide the authorities with the appropriate gures, have, as far as consciousness allows, kept some record of the a time nes that are being missed as income by the city council failing to place an NPR camera to catch these ignorant, arrogant or sleeping drivers. Over a twenty-four hour period there were a total of 180 ‘wrong’ users (peak day, 20 per hour; night 4 per hour) representing an income of £10,800 per day – a lost income total of £3,942,000 per year his doubles if they then just go around the small traf c island and come out again the wrong way. Double whammy, bish-bash-bosh, easy as you li e ight million et on ith it

Yours, David Osgood, Teg Down Dear SMUG, Attention seeking ime and time again nd myself distracted by loud and vulgar emergency service vehicles. It’s always loud, garish colours - reds, and luminescent yellows that sort of thing. Not only that, but it is often accompanied by very loud sirens - do Ambulance drivers not realize the irony in perforating our ear drums, thereby necessitating a trip to the local ENT department? I call it: attention seeking behaviour. It’s all: “look at me, I’m important, I’ve got an important job”, isn’t it? The emergency services ought to take a leaf out of the fashion designers. I believe that delicate pastels are going to be ‘in’ this season? Much more subtle than the Jackson-Pollock-esque depiction of blood-and-vomit that currently adorns our Fire Engines etc Yours, Terry Slater, Harestock.

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“You say” We ask Wintonians what their hopes and fears are for the coming year.

Dave Sprint, 45, Delivery Driver, “I hope the council get their finger out and fill in all those b****y potholes! At the moment I’m keeping Kwik Fit in business.”

Gaz, 19, Gamer, “I hope NASA discover pink unicorns on Mars who bring the gift of free candy floss for everyone.”

PTSD Pete

WANTED

Tasmine Mulch, 45, Teacher, “I fear more houses, more people, more traffic, more pollution and more crime. Sorry to be such a downer, but someone has to say it.”.

PROOF READER FOR SMUG Reward GLOAT OVER OTHERS’ MISTAKES If you can spot at least 3 tipos in this isseu we would love to hear form you

EDITOR@SMUGWINCHESTER.COM 107107

Ted Flume, 76, Retired, “Winchester City FC winning the Evo-Stik League, and Wayne Bridge signing for us. Up the Citizens!”


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Castle Woodentop

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City Troll

ot so far away, in a parallel world where names change and everything else remains the same, lies the glittering new capital of Londonia, with its crystal shards and oligarch mansions. The very few who had time to consider, did so at length, and considered that, as far as they each could see, all was well and flourishing, and they each then smugly felt themselves in some part responsible. Truth was, nothing was right there and in their smugness they failed to see how little control they really had left. Meanwhile, back in the old capital of Alfredsville where all this absurdity had in fact begun, amidst the sunlit playing fields and wild hunting grounds of the unjustly gifted, a shadow now lay across the land. Times were hard in fair old Alfredsville. For a start, the toiling hoards and tradesman were in perilous straights, the former with no work or money and so not spending with the latter. The falling footfall and failing spend had sent the Alfredville BAFIA - supplier of Flower Baskets and Chronological List of Festivals - into a headspin until they came up with the bright idea of sending lots of luminous people to wander the city streets and scare visitors into parking and walking the rest of the way. The local Moreseethansee church - home to all needs of good appearances - had again enraged the whole of the city folk, this time by being gifted millions of pounds accrued as immoral earning, whilst then also selling space in the Humblehouse Christmas market to strangers at rates the equivalent of some local smallholder’s and shopkeeper’s annual rent.

Moreseethansee church The local good bodies - the’City Trolls’ as the Woodentops in the Castle referred to them - were exploring the limits of Newton’s cradle by themselves hanging in a row from the crossbeams of the Great Hall when, as good luck would have it, several of them actually knocked heads and so was born the bright idea of making it easier for grockles to actually get into the city. Of five possible systems, there is only one safe way to arrive in Alfredsville, and that is by car - if you can find parking and afford it when you finally do. The other systems are perilous at best. The station dumps grockles onto the most unkempt and ill planned road into the city, whilst the bus station redevelopment now passes into history for the extraordinary, inappropriate and probably illegal behaviour of a team of City Trolls trying to imagine tarmac. Walking and cycling are too intrepid for most god-fearing folk too, given the state of the roads, potholes and variously cambered pavements marking almost all points of ingress to the city curtilage. The camber on the pavement outside our very own historic Theatre of the Windsors is indeed so bad as to have resulted in tossing at least fifteen excited theatregoers straight into the oncoming traffic, whilst two wheelchair users found themselves forced to head out of town along Hyde Street after having been forced onto the tarmac. Despicable, quite intolerable, you might think, good reader, but here in post-truth Rompshire, they do things differently and shoot horses amidst the blue-remembered hills.

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Troll

Mr Godlove

All was smugly bloating it’s rich fat way to the weirs, with majestic plans for a new Silver City to be built, when as if by the act of some fairy godmother or benign wizard, the game was suddenly turned upon its head when, abracadabra, the heart of the city was bought out from under the noses of squabbling trolls by a good man. Mr Godlove, for that was he, had long, long, been a thorn in the side of the Band of Trolls, having insisted on the simple grounds of humanity, good taste and downright common sense being uppermost principles. Once they had checked the definitions themselves and then referred to and consulted with their dodo corporate legals, the Band were uncertain of who they should then bully and misinform in order to get a second case before the court of appeal and put off deciding anything else for at least two years. But Godlove was now the owner of the city’s heart and, as the new king, all other plans across of the old capital would of course come within his necessary call and, at last, as the Castle Woodentops and the City Trolls slowly realised, he had them all by that which might be removed during depilation. Nothing, but nothing, now lay in his way to ensure the proper future of the land he loved so well and he very soon assembled a group of good local folk to put up a design for all to see and comment upon. Can the City Trolls win in any way? Can Godlove get his plans through… and is he really as good as he says on the tin?

Find out in the next issue...


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Issue.4 2017

The SMUG 2017 Almanack The Duke of Edinburgh announces that the £370 million refurb of Buck-House is going ‘jolly well’ before observing “I say...where have all the darkies gone?” Donald Trump finally discovers that Farage “isn’t the real UK Prime Minister” and dismisses him from his retinue of sycophants. Will Savage (of Winchester ‘Wexit’ fame) invites Farage to help with the Wexit campaign in the run-up to the July referendum.

April

BBC’s Springwatch presenter Michaela Strachan is sacked by the B.B.C. when the tabloids reveal that she attended a west end party dressed in a fox fur coat.

IN 2016 Jody Redmires, Professor of Physics at the University of Winchester (together with his team of researchers) developed a time-machine which has successfully transported him to the future and back again. “It was my first outing, so I took the cautious approach and only went as far as the end of 2017 – in case I couldn’t get back. Well, I didn’t want to miss my daughter growing-up, did I?” he told us. Here (according to Redmires) are some of the key events of next year, in which universities seem to feature rather heavily.

January

Pockets of the country begin to experience their own versions of Kristallnacht, as Italian restaurant windows are smashed in Hartlepool and German Cars are vandalised in Newport, Wales. Meanwhile in Gosport, the owner of a kebab-shop has his hand impaled on one of his own skewers by an angry mob.

The 15 per cent of U.K. University academic staff that are from the rest of the EU see the writing on the wall, and begin to leave before they are forced to. Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. When asked to make a speech, new First Lady Melania replies: “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith, and where there is despair, may we bring hope”.

February

Sick of their “coming over here, bringing their millions”, the Tories finally declare an outright-ban on ALL pesky foreign students – not just the Indian ones thereby proving that they are not racist. Meanwhile, Theresa May goes on another trade trip to India and tells them that ‘we’ are going to re-establish the British East India Company and that all Indian (and Ceylonese) tea will be traded through that. The trading profits are to be diverted back to the ‘mother country’. There is to be ‘no negotiating’ on this. We are Great Britain, after all.

The earning-power of all U.K. Universities plummets, owing to foreign students no longer each paying £15,000 per year, and also owing to less research funding being obtained from (amongst others the EU. One by one, they are declared bankrupt.

May

Poundland buys up each U.K. University for 50 pence and puts their photos on display in the window of their store on Shirley High Street, Southampton. Mike Ashley and ‘Sir’ Phillip Green walk past the store, and decide to form a new business venture known as ‘Shafters plc’. Shafters snaps up each University from Poundland for £1 (except for the University of Winchester, which is offered at a reduced rate of sixty pence). The first evening of Wexit campaign strategy talks between Will Savage and Nigel Farage is a success. After his eleventh pint-with-chaser, Savage tells Farage: “I love you...you’re my best mate, you are”. Jody Redmires, 2016 www.jodyredmires.com Coming up in next issue: June to December OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

March

‘Hard Brexit’ is pushed-through. In order to ‘take back control’ and make British lives better, we leave the EU and thereby lose all sorts of employment rights. Already-deprived areas of the U.K lose billions of pounds worth of EU structural funding grants.

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“It’s monkey see, monkey do, isn’t it? I blame the Church...”


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Romanarum N

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Commuters Special T

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£3,500pcm Unfurnished Deceptively spacious detached property with excellent access to transport links.

£1.2m Recently reduced Charming period property with shared front access close to station. Price lowered due to complicated onward chain.

£4.3m Premium listing Built by award winning design team Snappy Snaps, this delightful studio apartment within the historic station complex offers excellent lighting, and comes fully furnished. Superb links to trains, local shops and other amenities.

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£1.25m Offers in Excess Of Modern contemporary living in this timeless semi detached property. Glazed walls on three sides offering delightful views over Station Approach.

N Exciting opportunity to reserve your place in this elevated open plan new build. Designed exclusively with the commuter in mind and incorporating politically correct ramp access not typically found in Winchester. Penthouse apartments offer rare off street parking.

www.romanarum.com 111111

£1.75m – Offers in Region Of Eco Living in Prominent Position Detached Eco Home with on street permit parking. Double sky lights in dynamic display of stained glass.


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An Alpha mummy writes Top tips on how to be a winning mum by Jess Sloane

Issue.4 2017

WOOP! Extract from Wintonia’s very own lifestyle publication curated by Tilly Bottom from TUP Bottom Interiors

The WOOP deconstructed Nicoise Salad

Part 1: Pre Nursery

Baby Sensory

Baby Swimming

TOP TIP – take your own silk and organic cottons selection and place your child directly next to them at all times.

AS the top competitive mummy in Winchester, I have seen first hand how amateur preparation for the weekly artisan pastry and coffee morning can lead to social gaffes and awkwardness for all concerned. Before your child starts the difficult process of selecting a nursery it’s important to help them build a well balanced CV. With a wide range of classes available here are some pointers to ensure they (and you) get the edge over others. Everyone dreads having to admit that their three month old can’t swim yet so book in the moment your pregnancy is confirmed. TOP TIP – establish your place in the inevitable hierarchy by bringing your own water purity testing kit. Mention you keep it handy for trips to your parents bolthole in Provence. Keep mentioning it until you are sure everyone has acknowledged you. Raising your voice helps.

An excellent opportunity to make your mark. There is widespread confusion as to the actual benefits of this must-attend class which offers you a blank canvas to work with. If you can already see your child shows a flair for design then this is the perfect space for them to show a preference for the industrial genre by touching something metal. Vomiting on synthetic fabrics is preferable.

Baby Sign

Confusing to grandparents who will assume deafness, this class is in fact an excellent chance to meet like minded mummies. You will quickly be able to spot potential in those who seek out essential extra information to help their child communicate effectively. Lesson one is likely to include the universal baby sign for milk. Suitable new friends will ask about the universal sign for organic, soya, goat and babychinno. TOP TIP – Demonstrate your dedication to excellence by preparing a quick list of other variations on key words that are likely to come up. This might include how to specify Pampers when alerted to a dirty nappy or how to request organic when signing hunger.

Raising your voice helps

A final word of warning. Do not be disheartened by apparent indifference to all your excellent boasting material. Remember jealousy is a vulgar and unattractive trait, learn to accept it as inevitable and don’t let it put you off your hand roasted, triple decanted, decaffeinated blend.

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With Christmas behind you and Spring around the corner, it’s time to cleanse your mind, body and soul/ home using our fabulous insights. Let’s start with some delicious clean eating to kick start the digestive system. Now I have to confess, here at Woop! we are all a tiny bit obsessed with our deconstructed Tuna Nicoise Salad. All food tastes better on beautiful table wear so do select an authentic Greek plate. Not got one? Then we suggest you book an Easter break on a Greek island and pick one up there or alternatively pop into Dinghams. Next pick some leaves, sourced from an artisanal grower at the Winchester farmers market, queued (probably in the rain) and paid over the odds for, and then carried home in a small wicker basket. In our deconstructed version of this classic dish, we remove the potatoes which can go right to the hips. Take out the tuna as it’s impossible to source in under 20 food miles. The egg, too, as it can have quite antisocial consequences. Now we all know dressing is just loaded with fat, so we’re not including that either. Steam some green beans and toss those into the leaves. At this point you are probably thinking the dish is lacking a little something, so just before serving sprinkle on half a teaspoon of dried oregano and voila, a fabulously delicious healthy treat! As we all know healthy eating needs to be combined with hearty exercise, so now is the time to get a dog. For the spring season we are recommending a spaniel (exact variety is your choice). Winchester appropriate wear for dog walking in the water meadows is as follows; Hunter wellies or a classic Dubarry boot, pantaloni rossi, Barbour jacket, some old cashmere and most important of all, a tweed coat for your spaniel. Items not suitable include trodden down Ugg boots, synthetic football shirts and tattoos.


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Practical, no-nonsense answers to all your first world problems. arabella@smugwinchester.com Q. Dear Arabella, I’m am keen to investigate the current laws on protection of property. I find mysel li ing near to something called a ‘Pokestop’? My estate agent, ‘Charters’ never informed me of this fact when I purchased the property. I no find mysel being o en in the night with cries of ‘ my bulb is sore’ and ‘look at the size of my pidgey’ This is unacceptable in my book. I’ve looked at taking up shooting practice again or possibly installing electric fencing, but my prayer group feel this is all a bit extreme. I’m now looking at alternative forms of keeping my driveway clear, and was wondering how far I can go with excessive force and extreme prejudice? Regards, Winchester resident. A. I understand how you feel. I myself have walked into various people in the high street who stop without warning yelling “I’ve evolved my Vulpix”. I have now taken to the ‘being attacked by a sniper’ style of walking, randomly zigzagging across the pavement, which thus far has avoided unnecessary body contact with teenagers with phones. Yours is a more difficult situation, and would suggest one of two options. Give in to the demon and start playing yourself, or move to Chilbolton Avenue, where Pokemon hunters are considered as ‘fair game” and can be shot.

mugs!

Q. Dear Arabella, After every Christmas, I like to declutter. I don’t mean just getting rid of drawers full of cracker presents and broken forks, I mean getting rid of EVERYTHING that our family no longer needs or uses, including books we have already read and any item of clothing not worn in the last year. My husband and children, on the other hand, don’t want to get rid of anything because everything is either their ‘favourite’ or ‘is bound to come in handy one day’. What to do? A. Aaaah the post Christmas purge. I think we all do a certain amount of life laundry after the festive period, but there are definitely different levels of purge; from simply not throwing away the wrapping paper to hourly drops at Help the Aged or skip hire. I myself sit firmly in the middle favouring the much appreciated and competitively priced ‘Hippo Bag’. For a small fee; you can purchase a coffin sized canvas sack, with handles. This bag can be used to either dispose of your unwanted, unappreciated, or unused items or, if not, make a good patio table cover for the cold winter months. Q. Dear Arabella, As a member of Winchester Racquets and Fitness Club, I frequently order one of their lattes, which cost £1.99. Like most people (probably everyone) I rarely have 99 pence worth of change in my purse, so I pay using pound coins, which means I must wait, hand outstretched, for the penny change.

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This irritates me because I don’t wish to hang about for a penny that serves no other purpose than to weigh down my purse with something I will never use. It is also embarrassing because the alternative option of inviting the bartender to ‘keep the penny’ might be construed as an insult, especially by someone working to pay for their tennis coaching. (I would have to buy 2,000 lattes for a half hour session). When I bring the matter up with my friends, they all reply ‘every penny helps, dear’, but I can assure you, should any of them spot a penny on the ground, not one would bother picking it up. So, what do I do with the penny when I order my latte? A. Dearest reader, first of all I’d like to commend the Winchester Racquets and Fitness club on their incredibly reasonably priced Latte; £1.99 is exceptional! The other day I was on a stroll with my good friend Sandy. We stopped for a spot of refreshment. I, of course, had an Earl Grey, but Sandy is partial to a fancy coffee having spent some time in Europe in her youth. Anyway, the cost of the two hot drinks and a slice of Lemon Drizzle to share just about made me weep! £8.80!… Of course we were were then obliged to leave a 20% tip too taking the total cost of our refreshment stop to over £10.00. So in answer to your quandary, while it may appear miserly to the younger generations to keep the pennies, or even, not bother giving them out of embarrassment. I’m afraid I can’t agree and prefer the old saying “look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves”.

Will cause a stir on the High Street. £10.00 Comes with free handle.

art@smugwinchester.com or get £2 off when you buy online with your next issue of SMUG.

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Above. Nicola by Mark Michael, £800, Acrylic on canvass, 60cm X 60cm. contact: art@smugwinchester.com Below: extracts from Angela, Theresa and Nicola

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Issue.4 2017

Who Owns the Night

Tales of the ‘other’Winchester

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was standing on the steps leading into the Brooks Shopping Centre when it happened. I didn’t want him to see me, although I doubt it would have made any difference. The man started to remove his clothes. I felt uncomfortable at first, but there was no urgency to run, quite the opposite, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. That was why I wanted to come back to Winchester, to experience moments like this. When faced with a strange man undressing in a public place, a person’s mind will ponder. Mine was yelling what the fuck is about to happen? Thoughts jumped to morbid curiosity. Was tonight’s journey into the heart of Winchester presenting me with the chance to glimpse the final stages of a nervous breakdown? I can remember watching ‘The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin’ as a child. Was this man doing a Leonard Rossiter, only without the sea? The stranger seemed to exude an eerie calm. He folded each piece of clothing neatly and placed them in the doorway of Jaeger. Didn’t he want privacy for this? Were there CCTV cameras attached to the Hampshire Chronicle building or MacDonald’s? Could they see us both or just him? I took a few swigs from my hipflask. The final stage of his preparation was intriguing. He performed leg stretches using the white frame of Jaeger’s windows for support. The night made him look young, but caught in the street light his skin was loose and pitted. The removal of clothing had stopped just before the point of complete nudity. All that remained on his person were phosphorescent white Calvin Klein’s and some black socks. A pair of silver tinted aviator sunglasses were added to finish the sparse ensemble. He centered himself and then it began. It had been so long, I had forgotten how beautiful Tai chi was. It didn’t matter if the man could see me now, he was already in a state of deep detachment, muscle memory and training had taken him to

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another place, away from Winchester, bare flesh distant from the biting early morning cold. He was the personification of why I didn’t want to sleep at night. This man was interesting, one of the beautiful freaks. The ones who appear and almost everyone else misses. Thank fuck for the night. It always seems to kill mediocrity. While the majority of Winchester is either sleeping or fucking, it’s phenomenal that such strange eccentric beauty is occurring. I sat on the pavement and watched as the performance evolved. Although he was a fair distance away from me, the exquisite precision of this weird creatures actions brought him within touching distance. Sadly we weren’t alone for long. “Shit, don’t come over here, you’ll ruin everything. You might scare him off, I was here first you son’s of bitches. Why aren’t you asleep, it’s nearly 4am?” That was what I wanted to scream, but I’m a coward and there were too many of them. The group comprised of two women and three men, all young, all laughing and all just about able to walk in a straight line. As they passed JoJo Maman Bébé, one started to vomit against a traffic light. My private moment was surely over. Would they end this wonderful thing so soon? It was remarkable, somehow the half naked Tai chi performance seemed to instill instant reverence into them, and even the one who had been vomiting now seemed completely present. They moved past the man keeping a respectful distance as his feet swept side to side. Whispering to one another, no one was laughing now.

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They chose to huddle together, crosslegged in the entrance of MacDonald’s. Totally enthralled, several of the group took out their phones and started recording, no one spoke, the silence remained reverential. It was as though a switch had been flicked in their heads and they were sober. The man that spoilt it all was wearing a red Under Armour tracksuit. He was the first of the day people and he brought with him many opinions. He was quite podgy and needed to concentrate on running, but felt compelled to stop. “What the hell is going on?” he demanded. “Nothing in particular,” I said. The chubby little day person pointed to the half naked man. “He can’t do that.” “Really, why?” I said. “Because.” “Because what?” “It’s indecent and it’s weird. Where are his clothes?” I pointed to the entrance to Jaeger. “This has to stop now.” “Try telling them.” I pointed to the young people still huddled in the doorway of MacDonald’s. “They like it, I like it, you’re in the minority.” “This is not happening.” The day person was starting to match the colour of his tracksuit. ‘Sir it’s Sunday morning, no one cares, it’s just happening. In a few hours Winchester will be back, so until then why don’t you finish your run, go home and have a bowl of granola, pretend this never happened. Oh and perhaps try masturbating, you look quite tense.” My words put a wild look into his eye, he wanted to hit me, and I wanted him to try. My hip flask was empty and I felt like a dumb hero. “Degenerate bastards, this city’s going to hell.” “Have a good day Sir.” The day person flicked me a middle finger, tripped off the curb and fell. A chorus of laughter erupted from MacDonald’s doorway. Through the entire display the half naked stranger continued to move ever so slowly.


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Planning Art OLLOWING on the from the fiascos of planning delays in Silver Hill and more recently the Station Hill developments, psychologists have determined that a group mindset in the planning department has taken hold and they cannot now envisage completion. Recent swingeing cuts of staff have left those few left stressed, under-skilled and distinctly snappy. It is as a selfhealing response to this brutalisation of public services that those who are holding on for the pension should then try and hold all else from changing. Current plans have been all been slowed and a new protocol introduced that allows for ‘indefinite review and revision in the face of uninformed and knee-jerk decision making’. Having passed the motion for this new protocol through the City leadership group (which represents all interested parties across the board and who each currently also work for the City), Cllr. Art Whatsthat proposed it should be submitted to the European Arts Council for funding as a piece of work ‘that enables the exploration of infinity, meaninglessness and missing the point’ (funding stream EU/AM/J2250-5). This would bring £20bn to the council coffers, the interest on same being used to fight all the planning actions bought by the citizens. The application will take five years and a budget of 30m has been given over for research, development, strong coffees and a variety of morale boosting weekends before realising we have left it all too late. Cllr. Art Whatsthat is 86.

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Mummy, are those people from a different country?” “No darling, they have Northern accents.” “I do not like accents.”

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New archaeological discovery fuels Silver Hill controversy 890 to 892 Peasants complain about their land being taken for the new project. Alfred slaughters protesters to progress development. 893 Alfred forgoes the stables and hovels to secure agreement on construction of the houses and shops. THE discovery of a stone tablet during drainage works beneath Winchester Bus Station has further fuelled controversy about the Silver Hill development. The tablet, dated to 900 AD, details a chronology of events relating to the site during the period when King Alfred was reconstructing Winchester. Winchester councillors are currently proposing a full scale archaeological dig at Silver Hill. They hope that a major historical feature might emerge which could be developed as a tourist attraction, linked to local redevelopment. Leading archaeologists, however, believe that that such a dig would not only be impractical but would also be unlikely to yield any exceptional archaeology. The newly discovered tablet, translated below, appears to support the latter view: 880 Alfred decrees the construction of stables, houses, hovels and shops in the Broadway-Friarsgate area of his capital.

A different group of peasants object to these changes. 894 Local lord complains that other masons should have been offered the work. Alfred’s master mason agrees to build the scheme as originally drawn on the back of an ale mat by Delberht Trotterwulf in 881 AD. Alfred’s master mason claims that he has been cursed by a witch and is thus unable to build anything. 895 Alfred furiously abandons the project with the words: ‘Who’s the bloody king around here anyway?’ Alfred engages the witch to curse Silver Hill with a spell preventing anything useful being built there for two millennia.

881 Master mason, Delberht Trotterwulf, and his relatives are chosen by Alfred to develop plans and oversee his project. 885-to 887 Alfred concerned that his project has not progressed and that the Trotterwulfs are evasive when asked about plans. 888 Alfred decrees that construction begin and the Trotterwulfs vanish. They are last seen driving a three wheeled cart rapidly in the direction of Mercia. Alfred meets another master mason in an alehouse who agrees to take over the project.

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Hollywood A-listers line up in bus station for ‘classic’ re-make

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INCHESTER has always been used to seeing its back passages and alleys clogged with the faces of the famous. Over the last few years, its college cloisters and mahogany-lined studies have featured in the Harry Potter film series, lavish BBC period dramas and blockbuster musicals like Les Miserables. Now, it’s lights camera action once again as Hollywood comes to town to update a classic piece of British TV history. Following in the footsteps of the smash success of The Crown, Harvey Weinstein and Netflix are reviving the classic 0s period drama On the Buses, one of the pinnacles of 20th century television, as a big budget epic starring some of LA’s finest. Once again, Winchester’s photogenic streets will be lending authenticity to the production and this time it’s the distinctive art-nouveau lines of the city’s bus station which is providing the location for the action. Already, sexy heart-throb Daniel DayLewis, known for his complete and obsessive immersion in film roles, has been spotted dining in the station caff in greasy raincoat and cap getting ‘in character’ for his scenes as Blakey, the irascible - but tragic - Inspector.

Co-stars Mark Rylance and George Clooney are playing Reg and Jack whose timeless wit and banter has been captured in a nuanced screenplay by UK stage eminence David Hare.

Clooney as Stan

Rylance as Jack

Film websites are also alight with the news that the iconic feminist role of Olive is rumoured to be played by Meryl Streep, though reports are unconfirmed that Jennifer Lawrence and Natalie Portman will feature as station ‘clippies’.

Issue.4 2017

Overheard in the Westgate by o fi ial Dizzy Stemper.

ea esdro

“Well, of course we got the dog for the children. Yes, I know there are two of them, but the thing is, we only meant to get the one. But Baldur decided very early on that Harris was his dog, then Melisende started saying she wanted her own dog, and so no option really, if I wanted to keep the peace! Anyway, I thought, what with Melisende going up to Big School, it would be a lovely way to help the kids take more responsibility. You know, walks, grooming, and poo-bagging. I think, apart from that first day after the dogs had had their jabs, the kids haven’t walked them at all. Also Rory had a Lab when he was young. Absolutely inseparable apparently. Except when he was away at school for 11 years. He doesn’t walk them either. Spends quite a lot of time shouting at them. Hates the mud and hair. Then the kids wade in, complaining that they are a bit on the smelly side and can be rather barky. Though Baldur has completely forgiven Tweed and the wound is healing nicely. And Melisende is just a tiniest bit allergic. Still, lovely to have dogs in our lives; my life, mainly. Well, I don’t mind. Not really. After all, it’s so nice to be needed again. And if I didn’t have Tweed and Harris to walk twice a day, and look after, I might actually have to get a job…”

Want a cheap handyman who knows what he’s doing? et ou as Blakey

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Should have voted to stay in then.


Issue.4 2017

NEWS IN BRIEF YOU REALLY don’t have to be mad to work here, confirms Iceland boss CHINESE BILLIONAIRE buys London, Sandbanks and bishop’s palace in shopping trip SMOKERS SUFFER attack of the vapours in pub scuffle, five injured COUNCIL trials bitcoin IOUs to pay employees ‘AVOID BLACK ICE’ traffic warning empties new drink venue on launch night TOURIST authorities lure visitors with life-size model of cathedral LOCAL DINERS experiencing brasserie fatigue, says survey DIG uncovers King Alfred’s toenail clippings PETER SYMONDS trial Snapshot A level courses

Be Honest “If you belong to a neighbourhood watch group, find a large mirror and stand there for a moment. Ask yourself, Am I a decent concerned member of my community or just bored, nosey and alone? Answer honestly, if you can, then move forward with your life in accordance with the standards you set for yourself. ”

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Making the most of life. Get Smuüge in the City!

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Top 10 causes of stress in the life of a Wintonian

By our Scandewegian stringer Torsten Jam

Whilst the rest of the world is just getting hygge, Winchester can boast a long history of knowing how to make the most of things, how to get the best out of life and just exactly what to do with it all. Once again the city can offer the world lessons in the Winton way of snuggling down and seeing off a bottle of Baileys, whilst totalling the annual income from all backhanders, pensions, off-shore investments and the loose change from your partner’s pockets. So, for the sake of all those who do not live here (yet), here is the Wintonian recipe for success in realising a perfect state of Smuüge: Build a cabin and sauna in the garden, next to your home-working office, just beyond the paddocks. The space needs to be minimally decorated, but filled with softness – sable, mink and vicuna are obvious favourites – and scented with sandalwood candles blessed by vegan Buddhists and imbued with eau de vie, relaxing and energising all in one! You, however, must never go in there, for then it would look as though you actually needed the space. A good book, some wholesome snacks and a Scandinavian masseur to help you unknot all that lowgrade tension and post-truth anxiety, along with the comfort of owning a lot of gold jewellery, should soon have you hitting the accelerator on the Merc and very relaxedly begging to go for a Big Mac – just so you can get Smuüge all over again in order to be able to forgive yourself!

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I value my winter heating allowance. It pays for my ski pass.”

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Carol Early from Hyde has her say. . 1. Letting the dog into the back of the Land Rover with muddy paws 2.Indeed, getting any mud on the outside of the Land Rover as well. 3. You’re taking the whole family to Larmer Tree...what to wear???? 4. Just how do you cook Quinoa? (And how do you pronounce it as well?) 5. It’s the day of that special dinner party you are hosting...and you can’t find Tahini anywhere even Waitrose 6. Your privately schooled and expensively educated teenage daughter has just come home wearing a baseball cap back to front. . It’s riday night, and you can’t find a table for two at any of Wintonia’s 50+ restaurants. 8. Your best acquaintance - Arabella Bankers-Bonus - has just posted photos of the idyllic family holiday at their Caribbean villa. What have you got to post??? 9. You’ve arranged to meet your friend for coffee in town...but can’t remember which coffee shop it was. 10. You went to the expensive boutique hairdresser’s you attend regularly, but today the owner effusively greeted the lady next to you and blanked you entirely!


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Issue.4 2017

SMUG MIND GAMES

Still got it

IND THE CONNECTING WORDS THAT INISH THE OPENING AND START THE ENDING… AND DISCOVER THE SECRET MESSAGE! PARKING WEASEL BRANDY

OOD O WISDOM

Caption Contest Winner from SMUG previous issue

SCOTCH

DR _ _ ENTRY ROAST AU GRATIN (dubious paring, but we couldn’t think of another) Answer on Page 30

Be True “Next time someone asks for honesty remember that they really want to hear a well thought out lie. Use discretion, however absolute truth is best. If you struggle with this, just remember that some poor soul had to be the first person to tell Hitler he was a shit painter.” OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“She was distraught. The nanny just has to bury her mother, but Catherine will lose everything if she can’t be at the gallery opening.”

Caption Contest send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

SMUG Valentines Snookums wishes fluffy-bunny was here … so do the rest of ‘D’ wing … Happy V Day Sparky. Just let me be your blow up rubber doll …eeek! Lots of something, Miss Mousey 120

Heffalump and Eeyore – who would have thought we would find love ? Miss Princess - How do I love thee…let me count the ways … or pages in the Kama Sutra … The Pasha


Issue.4 2017

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HORRORSCOPE AERIES

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by Lady Arcana

Mar 24 - Apr 23

July 24 - Aug 23

Whilst grey clouds are hiding sky-blue blue sky, don’t forget your umbrella … who knows when, how or why things will turn? Be kinds to cats today and dogs tomorrow – they too have an agenda …

Once upon a time you did something reprehensible and to this day have not been forgiven. Do not try now, as things are worse than you think, but 2018 will see things pick up – sadly, not for you …

TORUS

Apr 21 - May 21

Aug 24 - Sep 23

Whilst it seems you are fated to go round and round in circles at ever increasing speeds until you reach the plasma state, the good news is that once you get there you will know everything you need to know …

Being dead goes on a long time and so do you once you are on your hobby horse. Give up and buy a real horse, then you’ll have something to moan about – and, you may find, something to admire

JIMINY

May 22 - June 22

Haystacks bring to mind a variety of things, from wrestlers and painters, to horses and cider, needles are the thing you need to remember. There is one in there somewhere, so keep your peelers peeled … CONQUEROR

June 23 - July 23

Winsome though some might find George Clooney, his recent marriage means your dreams are over. And don’t forget, firemen, despite our feminine fantasies, are mostly ripped and gay …

LIB-BRA

Sep 24 - Oct 23

Sweating your guts out day to day just to travel on a train that never comes … your life and the art of Samuel Beckett are in strange resonance and dreams of hermitude play on your mind. Try poetry. SCRAPPY

Oct 24 - Nov 22

The soul is a strange creature, born somewhere between what we think we choose to do and what actually plays out. Despite that, you are holding up well. Violin lessons would give you focus.

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S

Nov 23 - Dec 21

Dancing in the limelight is supposedly your worst fear, but in fact you do everything as though you are on some stage of life, with a judgemental audience that merely bespeaks your own dark assessment of things. CAPRIHORN

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Walking in the woods this morning I thought of you – the raw earthy smells of the leaf blanket, the rippling limbs that are your revealed roots and which I, like some snuffling pig, snuffle between. Cut it out. AQUEERIUS

Jan 21 - Feb 19

Working from home with the whingeing partner is just as bad as the quarterly sales meeting you are skipping. So go to your nearest air ort and ta e the first thing they offer on immediate availability PIXIES

Feb 20 - Mar 20

The tootsie fairies live in my boots and each has a toe to care for, from Bigs and Baby to Second, Nearly so and Just Enough. You too should be caring for 2, 5 or 10 things, and yourself in the process …

The most chilled family friendly festival of the summer and SMUG will be there, soaking up the atmosphere and selling our wares on the S t d

Come join us - Get your rst edition copy of SMUG issue 5 (launched at AMF) - Pocket a SMUG print to adorn you lavatory wall. - Chin ag ith inchester s mistress of satire ady ench, cover artist Mark Michael, Simon the anti-guru and the lovely Lady Arcana... all while tapping your feet to the beat of the best live music around.

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Coffee cup styling tips

Issue.4 2017

Order your next copy of SMUG online NOW! www.smugwinchester.com

mug

SMUG ISSN 2398-3930

No.5

ONE in six Wintonians now habitually carry a take-away coffee container hene er al ing the ity’s streets. his figure ould double by . has received numerous queries from trend-conscious Wintonians about coffeecupping style. Here are tips to stay ahead of the fashion curve.

The cup

Coloured cups are essential, although white polystyrene with a coloured sleeve can suffice in emergencies. Brand logos are best avoided. Each major coffee house has its opponents. Some associate Starbucks with tax avoidance, for example, and Costa Coffee gets blamed for any independent coffee shop closure. Anonymity means that any paper cup may be used. Many people purchase theirs from pound shops. This is hugely cheaper than coffee outlets because the latter also charge for the coffee. Your own cup not only affords a choice of contents but also avoids the insane wait while a barista enacts arcane rites to produce something barely distinguishable from decent instant. Requesting an empty cup from a coffee shop or taking one from a bin is uncool.

Many people fill their cups with alcohol. The opaque lid disguises the contents. If concerned that your boss might notice a suspicious beverage or police might suspect something in an alcohol prohibited area, any drink can be made to resemble coffee by addition of brown food colouring. Use only liquids, however. Attempts to sniff cocaine from a coffee cup while walking have, thus far, proven unsuccessful.

Deportment

Uncool

Too high and you risk smashing your cup into the face of a passer-by; too low and there is danger of spillage. The elbow joint should be kept at ninety degrees – with the cup level and at waist height. Advanced coffee-cuppers wave their containers while gesticulating. It is best to practise at home with cold water, however, prior to attempting such manoeuvres in public.

contents

Your cup’s contents are irrelevant from a fashion perspective. Around one in five coffee-cuppers carry empty containers. This is the cheapest way to stay on trend. It is also safer – by any rational standards, rushing along a street, holding a container of hot liquid is neither wise nor socially responsible.

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£3.50! at least

WINCHESTER’S FIRST SATIRICAL MAGAZINE

Coming up in the next issue of SMUG INVESTIGATIVE DIG Salon Auteur: innocent cultural networking event or orgiastic den for Wintonian secret society? GAME: Winchester’s ‘Wacky Races’ CULTURE: Professor Allright examines Winchester’s claim to being birthplace of the new post-history era FOCUS ON: Jane Austen (Surprise, surprise) SCOOP: Winchester therapists’ disturbingly unethical and illegal online game: ‘So you think you can shrink?’ GAME: Winchester Monopoly NEW: The SMUG Turnip Prize (for Winchester’s most absurdly SMUG) ind out who our first winner is And much, much more...

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Issue.4 2017

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Signed limited edition giclée prints of front cover artwork by Mark Michael

Unframed: £55 Framed: £70 art@smugwinchester.com

N The writers and illustrators who contribute to SMUG do so with no financial reward. By using pseudonyms, nor do we seek recognition. We simply want to keep our beautiful city from disappearing up its own bottom by prompting the people of Winchester, you and I, to laugh at our foibles and idiosyncrasies. We call it funny therapy. Gifts of any amount, no matter how small, are gratefully accepted. HOW TO DONATE All donations can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com For a personal conversation contact the editor Lady Wench: editor@smugwinchester.com

BECOME A SMUG SPONSOR, PARTNER, SUPPORTER or FRIEND If you like SMUG, have a business to advertise or simply wish to support our cause, we are looking for likeminded individuals and businesses with which to form ‘mutually beneficial’ long term relationships (or a ‘one-night stand’, if you prefer).

For a private chat, please contact our lovely editor, Lady Wench editor@smugwinchester.com If you are an oligarch or sheikh, we are more than happy to speak to one of your representatives or PAs.

NS N S WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (Max 250 words). We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns anyting, in fact, so long as it ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Contact: editor@smugwinchester.com

CONTACT SMUG SMUG EDITORIAL Fancy contributing? editor@smugwinchester.com

ORDER NEXT ISSUE OF SMUG Order at: www.smugwinchester.com Enquiries: editor@smugwinchester.com

ART PURCHASE Originals and limited edition prints art@smugwinchester.com

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Your response to anything at all letters@smugwinchester.com

ADVERTISE Page 30 for prices ads@smugwinchester.com

DONATE For information about donating editor@smugwinchester.com

Published by Winchester ilm Art CIC, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, SO23 SR Printed by Sarsen Press Cover art: Mark Michael www.markmichaelart.com Line Drawings: Kate Arnold Illustrator: jam jam, @naustbakken

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SITUATIONS

VACANT Email: ads@smugwinchester.com Fancy a career in dentistry? Of course not! But if you’re mad enough to like staring into disease ridden ori ces all day, we have a position waiting for you as a trainee hygienist. Call Maeve’s Marvellous Molars for a mouth-watering job opportunity today!! 01962 34576 PRIVATE TUTOR WANTED!! Someone to help me PLEEEASE! do my Latin and Physics prep for me and sit my GCSEs while we go skiing and tour Laos and Vietnam. My Dad, I swear, will pay good money. Tristram, Pilgrim’s School 09865 87654 IOW model village needs very small house cleaner (earbuds supplied)

Do you have a burning desire to wield power over others? Are you someone who can inflict unnecessary mental torture on defenceless elderly folk? Sunny Uplands retirement homes have a vacancy for a care-home assistant who can match out high standards of general indifference and neglect by turning a wet bed and a constant blind eye to those in need. Previous convictions essential. Email Dan Groin @ SunnyUplandsHampshire Sunny Uplands Hampshire’s care-free care home!

Newly established local art school requires life models. Must be under 25, lingerie optional. 4 an hour. ic, flat above kebab shop. 079886 23144

Issue.4 2017

SMUG magazine has urgent vacancy for proof-reader. No prospects, no salary, no reward, but opportunity to gloat over others’ mistakes. Apply in person to editor SMUG magazine

FUNKY LOCAL DESIGN STUDIO REQUIRES MAC MONKEY. EARN ALLERGY-FREE PEANUTS. CONTACT ROBIN

Can you stay awake at night? Do you have a functioning pulse? Did you (by) pass your A levels? Then join others like you in an exciting and rewarding career as an officer within a large modern security establishment. HM Prison Winchester is looking for bright young thugs who can beat the shit out of potential trouble-makers and rioters without any training or excuse. Call round and start immediately.

WINCHWEBTASTIC.COM

Uniform, cattle prods and tasers supplied.

Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? DJ needs sleeping partner for disco hire venture playing hits o yesteryear. eo

Calling all ambitious, go-getting young people seeking a brighter future in a new, dynamic, Brexit United Kingdom!

Make £££££s selling old phone directories as new address books by simply by tearing out all the pages of everyone you don’t know! Easy! Send SAE and £25 cheque to Tim for full instructions c/o Winchester Hospital Psychiatric Ward

Start training today with us in the intricacies of company law and earn thousands of pounds a week guessing government policies and advising local corporations of their position in the exciting and lucrative legal jungle that is life post EU. Email Gerard at Ruin and Rudge.com

Graduates!

Winchester College 18th century secret society seeks secretary to organise meetings, take minutes and dispense sherry. Must have own gimp mask and stilettos. Apply with full CV and blancmange. 01962 333 888

Are YOU the next lorence Nightingale? Or maybe a future Albert Einstein? Perhaps you think can be the Isambard Kingdom Brunel of the 21st century! Don’t waste your talent any longer! Call us at Living Statues Ltd and embark on a rewarding career imitating major historical figures in prominent positions in town centres disseminating pizza take-away leaflets. Zero hours contracts only. Email Penny @ Post Grad Services Winchester

Top sandwich board osition needs filling. Money for jam. Jam for money. No experience necessary. 01962 555343

Trans genders considered. We are an Equal Opportunities employer (since our last brush with the legal system) YOU are a slightly dim but genial, outgoing resident with a pleasing manner and no criminal record. We are a local firm of solicitors who fill no-show jury spaces on an ad hoc but regular basis. Fancy a day in court? Free next Monday? Speak to Nigel at Warner and later and i hes supplied.

Secret Message: FINE WORDS BUTTER NO PARSNIPS

To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads £3 per word £15 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1/16 page - £50, 1/8 Page - £80, 1/4 - £150, 1/2 page - £200, Full page standard - £400, Full page inside front/back cover gloss - £450

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What’s the best SMUG you’ve ever had?

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Issue.5 2017

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“Jane Austen’s head on a platter with a fork puncturing her neck. What were you thinking! It might as well have been your own head on a platter. You’ve crossed the line and there will be consequences. I certainly won’t be buying your disgraced magazine any more. And another thing, if I ever see the original painting hanging in Winchester, like I did in Bath, I will try to take it down. If anyone tries to stop me they will need to have had their Weetabix.” The words of the sadly now ex-SMUG reader led me to ponder: Has our portrayal of Jane Austen as a dish on the menu of a Wintonian restaurateur threatening ‘100 spanks if you don’t indulge’ become Winchester’s equivalent of Charlie Hebdo’s portrayal of the prophet Mohammed as their ‘guest editor’, threatening “1OO lashes if you don’t die of laughter”? If so, how worried should I be? Will the local Janeites re-enact the tragic events of Paris in their own indomitable Wintonian way - by tutting SMUG to death? Will readers who value their freedom to laugh, chuckle in support of our right to question Winchester’s appropriation of a national treasure?

3

Of course, commenting on the validity of a city’s ownership of a dead author in order to honour her work is not quite the same as mocking a group of fanatics who want to impose Sharia law on a 21st century republic. Still, whether the front cover of this issue makes you tut or chuckle, while you are holding a copy in your hands, you might as well consider the evidence before condemning the magazine to the bin or subscribing to SMUG for life. Then again, just because a line has been drawn, and seemingly crossed by SMUG, doesn’t mean you have to take sides, entitled as you are to rise above the division, mindful that Jane herself really wouldn’t have given one jot about being used to challenge the sense of proprietary of privileged middle class property owners. That was her job, after all, was it not? If you still can’t stop tutting, Dr. Sebastian Rooks may offer relief on page 20. If that fails, follow the instructions on page 25. Editor, Lady Wench smugw smugwinchester

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Archaeological haul found beneath school IN a rare find already being called the “Egyptian tomb of South-East England”, local archaeologists have managed to uncover centuries of abuse buried under the grand Winchester College chapel (built 1382), on the northern side of the school grounds. The reams of scandals, cover-ups, and damaging traditions were found in surprisingly good condition, having been painstakingly preserved by the school archivists of the time, right up to the present day. Researchers eagerly presented their findings at an impromptu press conference last week, but were cut short after an anonymous donation from ‘a concerned and powerful local’ stopped anyone from showing up.

“Egyptian tomb of South-East England”

WINCHESTER City Council has threatened SMUG with a High Court injunction following magazine journalists viewing a controversial, unpublished report commissioned by the Council - one that investigated the arithmetic result if the number two is added to the number two. It is believed that the document was completed in early 2017, but the Council has, thus far, failed to make it public. As a result, Winchester City Council has been accused of secrecy and a lack of transparency. A Council spokesman has, however, denied the allegation. “We believe in free speech and transparent governance,” the spokesman explained to SMUG.

“The report, however, suffers from serious flaws in procedure, and on questions of basic arithmetic, such as this, we believe that it would be wrong for conclusions to be made public until all outstanding issues have been resolved.” A typical Wintonian told SMUG ,”I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Anyone can guess the report’s conclusions - you only have to put two and two together. Mind you,” he added, “I hope they publish the thing soon. I’m looking forward to reading all the juicy details.” SMUG has received countless letters of support from many of the editor’s relatives and close friends. The controversy continues.

Issue.5 2017

NEWS IN BRIEF HOMELESSNESS crisis solved as churchgoers pray guilt away YOUTH initiative run by middle-aged social workers, somehow fails GIANT mobile phones installed in Winchester primary schools following parent complaints that children not getting enough screen time.

Winchester City Council threatens SMUG with high court injunction

High Street chains reclaim business lost to market stalls

Transnational stalls to be set up in front of street based competitors

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FOR YEARS, stores up and down the High Street have been forced to suffer as lines of food vendors, artisan furniture makers and people-trying-to-get-rid-ofsoap block shop entrances and siphon away citizens’ spare cash before they’ve had a chance to spend it indoors. But no longer. Transnational companies like Holland & Barrett, Starbucks, and Natwest – sick of playing the underdog to their rickety car-boot-table oppressors are fighting back amidst calls to ‘Stop Stalling’ and reclaim the high street from the undeserving. A local initiative will see these giant corporations take back business – from vendors who sell entirely different products – by setting up their own, smaller market stalls in front of their street-based competitors.


Issue.5 2017

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Budget cuts in tourism sector

Coffee beans overtake pound MUCH has been made of British sterling’s falling value in the face of economic uncertainty and a looming exit from the European Union. For the entrepreneurs out there, however, it offers a golden-roasted opportunity – and businessmen are scrambling to invest in coffee beans as the cost of a local latte soars above the pound. With espressos, cappuccinos, and other identical drinks with different names costing up to 600% of their combined ingredients, it’s never been a better time to buy at the source and rip off coffee-drinking locals. “Some would call it exploitation”, said one local barista, very familiar with the needless hiking of prices for what is essentially flavoured hot water. “But managers have to protect their overheads. How else are they meant to (under)pay staff?” “If it makes you feel better, it’s no worse than the deal Ethiopian farmers are getting.”

Unfair-trade?

Finding a creative use for all those unmonitored security cameras, SMUG are offering a prize for the best crime drama filmed on CCT . Previous winners include: The Great Justice Jewellery Heist The Great Train Robbery (customer buys season ticket) The Great Council Tax Fraud [that’s enough greats – Alfred]

YOUR SAY Nominate your candidate for the prize and win the chance to get a free copy of the next issue of SMUG. No need to send in CCTV footage. Send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

5

Suited and booted

Local sports Team climbs league tables

WITH a gloomy economic forecast and the council coffers tighter than ever, a savvy Tourism & Heritage committee have unveiled their latest attempts to cut costs and profit off town history: revamping the world-famous Round Table of Arthurian legend, currently housed in the Great Hall in central Winchester. Taking its place will be a more costeffective Semi-Circular table, in a more modest Good Hall, in Basingstoke. Similar ventures include halving the budget for education, health and most local services, while hoping things don’t go tits-up.

Winchester louts cheered from the sidelines as their hometown’s embezzlement and accounting fraud sports team, the Winchester Tax-Dodgers, shot to the top of national rankings after a heated faceoff with nearby rivals the Hampshire Prosecutors. The teammates, dressed in their iconic three-piece sports kit, found trouble near half-time with a series of a undeclared expenses and budgetary promises that went nowhere near the goal. They thankfully pulled through to a strong victory after some expert evasive manoeuvres.

SLOW WET BSE WORRY There is consternation in the rail community this month, as an outbreak of BSE, or Bovine Strikebound Electric-trains, could possibly spread from the Southern Trains area. The main issue seems to be an argument over who should wipe the toilet seats after use. There is a suggestion from the unions that this traditional job will be taken over by robots – or botbots, after the bit of the anatomy most affected. M. Francois Controllee, Head SWT Botwiper, said: “don’t arse me, I know nothink”.

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The new semi-circle table OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I’d love to see my son in Hamlet at the Theatre Royal, but totally dependent on what time my flight from Seville gets in”


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Winchester to trial new 999 helpline FROM July 2017, the 999 emergency call centre for Winchester will provide an enhanced service. Operators will continue to summon the emergency services, but will also address urgent snackfood related enquiries. “All snackfood manufactures print helpline numbers on products to demonstrate commitment to customer satisfaction,” explained the marketing director of Walkers crisps. “Just a handful of calls have ever been received, however, from people who were genuinely dissatisfied with a product and felt the need to immediately share their distress. “Most calls have been wrong numbers, and many of the remainder have come from people who, under the influence of alcohol, have become curious as to whether something as daft as a snackfood helpline really exists.” Meanwhile, a spokesman for Hampshire Fire Service told SMUG, “the 999 helpline has been struggling for some time due to lack of staff and funding. Sponsorship from snackfood manufacturers will secure the long term viability of the service.

“People who call 999 will notice little difference,” explained Hampshire’s Chief Constable. “The words of the operator will, however, be extended to enquire: ‘Which service do you require: police, fire, ambulance and crisps?” “This collaboration could be particularly helpful,” noted the Chief Constable, “if a person’s house was on fire and he or she was also unhappy with a recently purchased packet of ready salted.” The Winchester trial will be evaluated in October 2017 with a view to a national roll-out in 2018.

Issue.5 2017

NEWS IN BRIEF CHOIRBOY’S cries for help...reach perfect falsetto HAMPSHIRE CHRONICLE issue 2348723 not to include photograph of Steve Brine

COUNCIL trials new bit coin IOUs to pay employees THEATRE ROYAL praises low-quality business model for successful year 999 for crisp emergency

Amber Rudd brings happiness to a Winchester child HOME Secretary, Amber Rudd, has brought a delighted smile to the face of a ten year old Winchester girl. “I lost my mobile phone,” explained Sophie Harris from Stanmore. “I was really upset as it had all my friends’ details on it and loads of important messages.” Sophie heard that Ms Rudd liked to keep an eye on all personal communications, so she wrote to her asking if the Home Secretary had a copy of the data Sophie had lost.

t e expecting a reply” admitted Sophie to SMUG I thought Ms Rudd would be very busy watching terrorists or annoying the police or things like that. I was really surprised when she sent me a memory stick containing all the stuff from my lost phone. She explained in her letter that she couldn’t tell a hashtag from a hash brown, but she’d asked her friends at GCHQ to help me.’

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A Home Office spokesman admitted that, whilst they had been delighted to help Sophie, the response had been part of a wider public relations initiative to counter recent bad publicity about the hacking of electronic communications by GCHQ. “We were perplexed and a little hurt when UK citizens accused us of intrusion into their private affairs,” said GCHQ spokesman, Robin Datason. “We’d like to re-frame these activities as a form of benign cloud-backup.” Mr Datason explained to SMUG that much personal data was lost because people rarely made backups. “We hope that everyone can be more relaxed about IT use,” he continued, “knowing that all their private information is stored for safe keeping at GCHQ in Cheltenham.” Companies offering cloud storage have complained about unfair competition. “GCHQ doesn’t charge for this backup service, and it’s very easy for consumers to use,” objected a Google spokeswoman. “There’s no need to register - everyone is automatically enrolled. We simply can’t compete with that.” Despite the controversy, at least one little girl in Winchester is happy.


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Missing Winchester’s Police Stations

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Winchester magazine rebuffed by Winchester Magazine

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SLOW WET

NEW HIS & HER UPGRADES GENTLEMEN!

A REQUEST by SMUG editor, Lady Wench, to include a paid-for advert in another of Winchester’s quarterly magazines, Winchester Magazine, was refused by its own editor, Liz Kavanagh. According to itself, Winchester Magazine is “the only independent lifestyle magazine based in the city with all content dedicated to Winchester”. Therefore, explained, Ms Kavanagh, advertising SMUG would constitute a “conflict of interest”. A resolute Lady Wench responded by appealing for readers to come forward and shed light on where ‘conflict of interest’ lies. An independent journalist from yet another quarterly Winchester magazine added fuel to the stand-off by opining that, “SMUG, like all malignant forces, will seal its fate in hell without the help of any of us.”

POLICE are baffled by the mystery disappearance of their stations from Romsey Road and North Walls. A spokesman for Hampshire Police, Sergeant Tickler, said “The crimes took place somewhere between December 2016 and January 2017 and include 400 hundred truncheons, 30 helmets (large), 43 pairs of handcuffs and my favourite mug with ‘Who’s the daddy!’ embossed on the side.” The suspects wanted for questioning are developers looking to make a fast buck.

The fate of SMUG?

YOUR SAY Rebuff or conflict of interest? editor@smugwinchester.com

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Do you ever have that ‘my bollocks are too big for this seat’ feeling when sitting down for your daily commute to Waterloo? Well, Slow Wet Trains have the perfect thing for you. Extragirth seats will be available for the well-endowed gentleman to spread out in comfort, on the 7:05, 7:18 and 7:48 trains to Waterloo. Just ask the guard for details of which seats are available and he or she will gladly take the strain for you. Sit back in one of our new Big Bollock Seats, read the paper, watch the person next to you squirm and fret as they wonder whether to ask you to, you know, trim it in a bit. Each seat is means tested and made from strengthened carbon, and costs £25 extra.

LADIES!

Do you ever have that ‘why do men have such big bollocks’ feeling when commuting? Ever had that sense that the person next to you with the waggly, well-spread legs, with his rather large newspaper and hands on the arm rests, is a bit too, well, you know, grand? Do you fret and wonder whether to tell him to stop waggling and trim his tackle? Well, Slow Wet Trains have the perfect thing for you. The new Commuter Leg Compressor is available from the ticket offices of all large, well-endowed stations. Priced at just £39.99 this nifty piece of kit, made from reinforced carbon, can be simply but firmly placed in the space between your seat and that of the leggy gentleman. If he tries to waggle, or infringe on your space, you simply turn on an electric current and he will feel a sharp prick. That will stop his tickling jock! Battery charger packs are available from all SWT guards - if you can find them.


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Issue.5 2017

SHOCK EXCLUSIVE

Winchester’s Round Table may be a fake! “COME and see the iconic Round Table of Arthurian legend that has dominated Winchester’s ancient Great Hall for centuries”. So proclaims ‘Visit Winchester’ (visitwinchester.co.uk), and indeed this fine artefact has been one of the City’s main tourist attractions for decades. According to Wikipedia: “The artefact known as the Winchester Round Table, a large tabletop hanging in Winchester Castle bearing the names of various knights of Arthur’s court, was probably created for a Round Table tournament. Dendrochronology calculates the date of construction to 1250–1280—during the reign of Edward I —using timber from store felled over a period of years. Edward was an Arthurian enthusiast who attended at least five Round Tables and hosted one himself in 1299, which may have been the occasion for the creation of the Winchester Round Table”. However, recent events have cast doubt on these accounts, and on the very authenticity of the table itself. The table was recently removed from the wall for routine maintenance and cleaning. It was during this process that an eagle-eyed restorer Percy Norris noticed some blue lettering underneath the surface paintwork. “I first of all noticed what appeared to be a capital O” explained Percy.

So I carefully removed some more surface paint, and found the O to form S N

After finding nothing, UoW’s very own Professor of History Simon Corcoran picks up the story: “Because the word appeared both in blue and in capitals, we were forced to investigate the possibility that the table might actually have been supplied by national building supplies merchant Jewson Ltd. This would (of course) help us to date the table more accurately, given that Jewson Ltd. was not founded until 1836, which suggests that the original dating was a little inaccurate in estimating 1250 to 1280.

“A little inaccurate in estimating 1250 to 1280”

13th Knight Sir Jewson? “I thought this must be a reference to the Son of King Arthur, which would have been a very exciting discovery indeed. However I then noticed some further marking to the left and after another two days of careful removal of surface paint, we had a complete word: ‘JEWSON’. At this point, we contacted the historians at prestigious University of Winchester (UoW) to see if there was any reference in Arthurian legend to a ‘thirteenth knight’, ‘Sir Jewson’, which had perhaps hitherto gone unnoticed.”

REAL S-MUGs Every mug comes with free handle. Will cause a stir on the High Street. ONE for each issue. Collect the set. From our shop at smugwinchester.com

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We first of all contacted the local branch of Jewson on Winnall Industrial Estate, but they said that all their records are computerised and that we should contact Head Office, who keep paper copies of invoices going back decades. So we followed the trail to Binley Park, Coventry, where the company were very obliging, and after only one week of searching, had found a copy of the original order from Winchester City Council, in which Jewson were to supply:

“A big, heavy wooden table. No co e d o e either” Thanks to the date on the order, we can now confidently state that the Round Table hanging in the Great Hall did not come into existence until at least 17th April 1954.”


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Winchester’s Plaque THE sudden appearance in Winchester of commemorative plaques on walls, pavements, trees and even playground installations has caused bemusement, amusement and consternation among an increasingly divided Winchester public. Clashes have already broken out between ‘Take them down’ and ‘Keep them up’ campaigners, trying to do just that. Full story, commentary and quotes on page 10 of SMUG issue4

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Plague

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Can you spot where these are?

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Issue.5 2017

N ot

Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG

Ruined

Of Squid, and Men

abo

ut J ane Aus te

So now, the North Sea and Channel are warmer than they were ten years ago, and its proving attractive to squid? I’ve got a bit of a problem with all these Southern European squid – comin’ over ‘ere, helping themselves to OUR water. What’s wrong with the Bay of Biscay, or the Western Med? It’s called the Then this. A decapitated Jane on the ENGLISH channel for a reason. Good front cover. You’ve ruined it for me! ol’ British Cod and Haddock can’t hunt for Whiting and Mackerel without Reginald Strider bumping into a shoal of Spanish Squid Peninsular Barracks who got up at four in the morning, just so’s they can grab the best patches of Viking, Forties and Dogger for themselves I mean, it’s not like they try Dear SMUG to integrate or anything. They don’t even make a token attempt at learning CodS.M.U.G. dish. Comin’ over ‘ere, wearing those little squiddy hijab-hoodie things….. About your front cover, people at Feckin comin’ over ‘ere, with their work keep saying it’s just Banksy tentacles, bringing their inky ways and trying to fuck around with us nostalgic their slimy, underhand (under-tentacle) Winchester folk, guess he knows customs. Feckin comin’ over ‘ere, with Austen’s an easy target. I’m trying to their famed ability to turn good honest get hold of someone to see how much hardworking, fresh white pasta pitchthe painting costs. My partner will black with just one slimy, inky secretion, probably kill me, but if it’s an original incapable of looking you in the eye, Banksy it’s an amazing opportunity. of a rm handsha e, or of standing their round at the bar. Let’s have Ken Collins Border Control at Portland, Wight and Bath Finisterre.“British waters for British aquatics” is what I always say. I also say:“Our primary concern N ot should be to refrigerate the North Sea abo ut J by 2 degrees centigrade so-as to keep ane the ugly, inky, stinky, slimy, foreigner Aus Dear SMUG ten bastard-squid out”. They are not even refugees, they are just economic Help migrants… There’s plenty of crustaceans and small invertebrates in the warmer With two scintillating test series to seas. come this summer, I’ve decided I want to spend the next few months Max Parker in my garden listening to Test Match Alresford Special, rather than going into work. So I’ve decided to shoot myself in the foot and to make it look like an accident. I used to be an avid reader and staunch supporter of SMUG. It allowed me to indulge in a little titillating selfagellation, thus allo ing me to happily carry on being a retentive arsehole, guilt free.

WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (Max 200 words) editor@smugwinchester.com We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Thank you. Reward: Catharsis Dear SMUG S.M.U.G. . Sad Malign Unpleasant Guff edited by Sanctimonious Mendacious Underhanded Guttersnipe. Print that! Anon Dear SMUG SIMON who? Who is this SIMON who’s supposed to have painted the new Jane Austen portrait hanging in Bath and on the from cover of SMUG. I’ve never heard of him, but the portrait is really annoying my mother in law which makes me smile. How do I buy it?

Trouble is, I’ve never used a gun before and self-harm isn’t really my thing. I was wondering if one of the 17.4 million ‘Leave’ voters had any advice? Yours Chris Kemp Twyford

Mark Arkright Sleepers Hill Solar Street lightning at night

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“You say” Can you tell the difference? There’s a company that emblazons the words Real Leather onto its plastic watch straps. It’s not a lie. It’s the name of the company. It’s a truth that tells a lie. Satire uses the same technique in reverse. It lies to tell a truth. How good are you at spotting the difference? Are you too long in the tooth to be led down the garden path or easily duped?

Should council chiefs be paid so much? (One is currently receiving £387k).

Here’s a test find out. Of those articles in this issue that include under the title the words ‘Real or Fake News?’, which are real news and which are fake news? Tweet your conclusions to @SmugW for a chance to win a free copy of the next issue of SMUG. Auberon Watson-Holmes, 63, Retired, “Talent doesn’t come cheap you know. You pay peanuts you get monkeys. Just as long as I don’t pick up the bill. That’s why I employ a good accountant”.

Dorothy Perkins, 80, Retired, “It’s a bloomin disgrace! I’ve been waiting 7 years for the council to fix my pipes and why don’t they do something about the buses. Bloody foreigners”.

FIND THE CONNECTING WORDS THAT FINISH THE OPENING AND START THE ENDING… AND DISCOVER THE SECRET MESSAGE!

YOUR SAY SEND in your nomination NOW Turnip Prize winner to be published in next issue. Send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

WEDDING _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ AUCTION CAT_ _ _ _ A VIRGIN PUFF-PASTRY_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _PATTERN HOME _ _ _ _ UP LEAN _ _ WHIT TO _ _ AFRAID HEART _ _ _ _ _ _ LINK Answer on Page 28

The Turnip Prize is awarded to individuals, companies and institutions for excelling in any of the following: Complacency, incompetence, bullying, promise breaking, lying, cheating, cowardice, or for simply behaving in a plonker-like way.

Clive Titmus, 45, joiner, “Outrageous! And they get whacking great pensions, which we all contribute to, so they can enjoy a cosy retirement, while the rest of us have to work till we rot”.

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Belinda Coates, 40, Chief Executive, “It’s been a tough year for council budgets – we’ve had to make lots of cuts to services and hundreds of staff redundant. With all these savings we’ve made I think we deserve a bit of a bonus. Quite frankly we’re worth it”.


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Part 2. Continued from issue 4

U

unbeknownst to Alana Loveall, The Grand Chair, who had championed the World Heritage Site bid on behalf of the city , the draft plans he had shared with FACEACHE (Funding Art and Culture and Everything Aesthetic in the County of Hampshire in England management team) quickly found their way into the hands of Councillor Godlove. Godlove smiled quietly to himself as he looked out across the city from his Oram’s

Arbour eyrie. His gaze wandered from the ghastly ‘Woodentop Castle’ across to the magnificent cathedral and beyond to the eastern hills of his beloved Alfredville. He was on the telephone, smoking a Romeo y Julieta whilst listening to his Italian caller. “Well, Godlove,” his caller said, “the heritage proposal will be accepted, I can guarantee that, but given there is not so much to offer, the ‘further special conditions’ will have to be accepted before the committee can finally confirm.

That is your only risk, of course - that ‘date-pertinent’ status is not often agreed, but when the chips are down, it is really only the importance of Alfred that could win it. It will of course be an immense project and much depends on your acquisitive talents. I will keep you apprised of all developments, of course, but for now I would advise that you proceed as planned.” “Thank you Aldo, you have been most helpful. Your reward awaits you in heaven” he said, laughing heartily at the irony as he replaced the receiver, drew a deep breath and dialled. The call was quickly answered, and Godlove seemed simply to leave a message. “Mr Josephson, you have our plans to hand there, I trust. Please continue with the main purchasing as discussed after Friarsgate and be sure to insist on full rights in every case. We have a five year window here, so you may also begin the peripheral purchasing. Just don’t try and touch south and east of the cathedral. We don’t want the godbotherers or the college boys getting wind of our interest yet.” A brief response ended the call and Godlove sat back in his captain’s chair, swivelling to take in again his city view and dream about the future. He thought of the battles that lay ahead and laughed to imagine the Band of Trolls running about like headless chickens once his real plans became known. They’d be good and busy anyway, helping to plump up Alana’s mad bid, but just to be sure, he needed a decoy to keep them off his back and so put a call through to his pet architect, Frank Viola. “Frankie, long time no see. How are the station plans coming on …?” The new city Leaderene was patting her eyes dry and was busy expostulating while Ms Crippen, the Head of HR, simpered and nodded sympathetically.

“He really is such a frightful man – pushy and aggressive and the language! My God, we just aren’t used to folk being so direct, so bluntly honest and, well, frankly, so bloody e fi ient. “Too true,” agreed Ms Crippen “but let’s take the long view and rein him in by

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forcing him to work with us - ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer’ sort of thing? Give him chairmanship of something and, with close observation, some covert recording and a few earthly temptations placed in his path, he just might hang himself anyway?” The Leaderene nodded and sniffed quietly before ringing through to her PA, Miss Hermione Twinset, in the outer office. “Hermione, please get in touch with the god-awful Godlove and ask if he could come by my office some time today would you? I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse!”

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Are the BAFIA missing something? Do the Woodentops have any idea what Godlove is planning? And what devious plan has Godlove got for the station approach? Find out in the next issue...

Back at the BA IA offices Ms Turnon looked around at the blank faces of her colleagues as they sat in one of the ‘break-out’ areas and tried to brainstorm the problem of the ‘Heritage Jump’, i.e., the exact amount by which they could raise the BID levy if the city got World Heritage Site status. “So all we have managed to establish is that in the main it will mean we have to work even closer with the planning trolls and make sure they do what they in fact should have been doing all along – control planning, plant more trees and keep satellite dishes hidden?! Surely there is something we can put our name to, something truly and utterly PRworthy, that makes evident our crucial part in the World Heritage Site bid?” “I know” said a helpful junior, “we could put up plaques that, as well as advertising the BAFIA World Heritage Site work, also celebrate the removal of an unsightly satellite dish from the building frontage. We could have a four foot high brass rubbing – you know, give it that ‘historic’ feel – that, in fact, depicts you, Ms Turnon, as the heroine of the satellite removals, our very own Joan of Arc initiator of the cleansing of this aesthetic plague …” “Sorry? So you are suggesting we remove the unsightly satellite dishes to replace them with these enormous faux brass-rubbing plaques that, no doubt, picture me be-wimpled and bestride a white charger in my velvet gown and thigh-high stiletto boots? Absolutely outrageous! If we are going to do it, then it has to be done well! No pseudo‘rubbings’! Real brass!” “Yes,” the junior said, making a note regarding the perfection of embodiment that only art could try to practice. Whilst those at BAFIA and the trolls amused themselves with the usual fights, drinking, light robbery and unwitting racism between part-time jobs, Loveall dreamed of his glittering future as World Heritage Site Supreme Chair and, perhaps one day, the Ultimate Chair of History at Alfredville Attached College.

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Issue.5 2017

The SMUG 2017 Almanack SEPTEMBER

All remaining famous pop and rock musicians from the sixties and seventies join an obscure religious sect. Two weeks later, they are found dead along with 2,000 others in a mass suicide in Indiana, United States. Only Cliff Richard is saved, by virtue of being detained in a South Yorkshire Police cell on account of the fact that:

“He must have done something wrong” The Daily Mail portrays Jeremy Corbyn as an ‘enemy of the people’ and calls for his head on a stick. A certain kebab-shop owner in Gosport offers his skewers in order to help. Continued from issue 4 IN 2016 Jody Redmires, Professor of Physics at the University of Winchester developed a time-machine which has successfully transported him to the future and back again. Here (according to Redmires) are some of the key events of next year, in which universities seem to feature rather heavily.

JUNE

No longer protected by EU law, what’sleft of our U.K. University staff are put onto zero-hours contracts by Mike Ashley. “Stay on the end of a mobile phone. When we get a student in your area, we’ll text you” the employer’s letter says. Home Secretary Amber Rudd finally gets her way. Employers of foreigners are named-and-shamed, and all overseas workers are forced to have a yellow star sewn into their clothing.

JULY

Along the north-south border of Ireland there is civil-unrest over the chaos caused by ‘Brexit’. Putin decides he wants a slice of Ireland too, and informs the U.K. Ministry of Defence that he is sending his flagship Admiral Kuznetsov over there, via the Humber estuary, the river Trent, the canal system and the river Mersey. The Ministry of Defence calls a top-level ‘crisis meeting’, and then replies to Putin:

“erm…OK”.

On the 15th (St. Swithuns Day), The Wexit Referendum is held. The ‘leave’ campaign win by 52% to 48%. Thousands of Winchester’s domestic cleaners and fast-food sales assistants are told that from 1st Jan 2018, they will no longer be allowed to commute from Eastleigh. ‘Sir’ Phillip Green complains that the ashtrays on his luxury yacht are getting full, so he needs a new one. He sets about redirecting University pension funds into the newly-created parent company (Shafters). A sizeable dividend for the only two shareholders of Shafters is then announced.

AUGUST

Ever-the-businessman, Donald Trump trades in Melania for another younger woman. Asked what he thought of his new 21-year-old Taiwanese bride he replies:

“She’s beautiful….totally, totally beautiful” One year too late, Jeremy Corbyn gets angry about Brexit, channels his innersocialist and rolls up his sleeves as if this time he really means business. In a landmark speech that eventually would be ranked alongside Abe Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, he made a videoselfie on a irgin Train saying: “It’s all a bit unfair, really...these train seats used to be ram-packed with foreign students… now I can recline across three in a row and get some proper shut-eye”.

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OCTOBER

A crazed nutter resolves to carry out The Daily Mail’s most recent act of incitement-to-violence. But in searching for Jeremy Corbyn, he screws-up on Linkedin and murders Jeremy Paxman instead. A divided nation briefly unites in celebration.

NOVEMBER

President Trump is impeached over his mismanagement of Trump University. ‘Leftie-luvvie’ BBC Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker announces on Facebook that he is ‘in a relationship’ with The Sun’s Kelvin McKenzie. The editor of the Daily Mail becomes confused as to who to victimise. Wayne Rooney announces his retirement from international football, twelve months after his final appearance for England as a substitute.

DECEMBER

John Lewis and Marks & Spencer announce that they are no longer going to make sickeningly saccharine-sweet Christmas adverts because they consider that Eid al-Fitr presents greater marketing opportunities, now that the UK economy is screwed, whilst the Gulf States are booming. President Trump is cleared of all wrongdoing by the Trump Supreme Court of Justice. Jody Redmires, www.jodyredmires.com


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WINCHESTER DISTRICT EDITION

VILLAGERS

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CHRONICLE UKIP MP for Alresford

ALRESFORD RESIDENT MAKES STAND Doctors waiting Page 1 ISBN:VILACHRON1321

smugpress

Alresford resident makes stand Alresford resident and local celebrity “Binky Bear” announced today his intentions to stand as a UKIP MP. In a somewhat candid interview with Smug Binky stated, “It all started when I went to London on a promotional tour and in particular when we arrived at Harrods. I couldn’t believe it: full of Germans!! This family called Steiff? I think...Well that was OK last year but what with Brexit coming up it got me thinking. And then there was that fella from ‘Deepest Peru’ - don’t even get me started on him! He was trying to take over the place...” Binky’s team meet at ‘Caracoli Alresford’ every Thursday to discuss ‘The Bear Facts’ over builders’ tea with three sugars.

Retired Civil Servant is right

Ropley eyes prize Wintonians were buoyant today at news that their City would not be branded ‘most pompous place’ to live when it emerged that several villages in the surrounding areas were vying for said accolade. Only last week Alresford had set an early pace arguing that when it comes to parking, nobody can double park a Bentley in Broad Street like their residents but Ropley has lately hit back, stating that unless you’re a retired Senior Civil Servant with 50 years village life you are not even allowed an opinion. The race to the title continues…

Alresford throws down the gauntlet

Binky Bear up in arms

Doctors waiting Staff at an Alresford practice were perplexed yesterday when a young doctor fell ill during morning surgery. The receptionist advised the junior that an appointment may be available in four days time but subject to change due to a sudden shortage of available doctors.

by Clive S Probyn The four year wait is nearly over. Industry insiders have told SMUG that the dreamy Georgian market town of Alresford will be home to flagship stores of both Waitrose and Aldi. Built on the northern banks of the River Arle beside large fishing lakes, the two distinct retail stores will sit at the very heart of this AONB opposite the beautiful C18th Georgian Arlebury Park House. It is understood that the Arlebury Park House residents are waxing lyrical over 141unique the fact that their priceless and bucolic panorama is now enhanced by such an imposing C21st edifice.

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Summer 2017 Waitrose’s huge flagship store will join Alresford outlets, Moda Rosa, Long Barn and many others to create one of the South’s finest shopping destinations of choice. Certain to appeal to Waitrose shoppers will be the terraced restaurant and café set idyllically on the shores of the largest of the lakes. Aldi will sit alongside the smaller lake in what looks uncannily like a fishing lodge a brilliant piece of architectural design and one sure to win many national and international accolades. Local residents were said to be ecstatic when they heard the news that the Winchester Planning Department – surely one of the UK’s most enlightened and progressive of such public bodies - had granted permission for the two retail outlets. “This is a remarkably sympathetic scheme and sits perfectly in this rare pastoral location”, said estate agent and bon-viveur, Gus Sumpter. Local ecologist, Christine Packham told SMUG that the local wildlife group was delighted with the work that has already taken place along the drove track to the north of the site. “The owners’ sequestration of the track and erection of a fence and hedgerow is a perfect way to keep the public away from this historically important ancient track and ensure its future for decades to come”. She went to say that she understood that the owners had kindly offered to open the track to the public for one day each year (for a charge, of course). There was even excited talk among Alresford historians that local shepherds might be invited to exercise their ancient droving rights and drive a flock down the track on one of the major feast days.

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Issue.5 2017

Alpha mummy

goes shopping

Top tips on how to be a winning mum

THE Bonham-Delaneys are popping down from Chiswick this weekend so I’ve been terribly busy preparing for the last couple of months. There is so much to plan when entertaining house guests, especially our old London set. Piers was furious because he had to cancel fives to take the children out on Saturday as I had so much to do.

Making up the bed in the spare, spare room it struck me how dreadfully u i it i t t e do t have a third bathroom and I determined that I needed a jolly good shopping spree to cheer myself up. irst things first, I needed to plan my weekend wardrobe. I like my London chums to know how rural we have become since moving to Winchester so some country walking attire was essential. Parking the X3 in Stockbridge was ghastly, simply not enough wide spaces, but eventually I left it at a jaunty angle partly across someone’s drive. Obviously Piers has a range of brilliantly coloured corduroys but he is hopeless at accessorising so I got him a lovely mustard

cravat and some flat caps for the children. I got quite carried away by the choice of leather wellingtons so I bought two pairs in case one set gets muddy as my ‘lady what does’ only comes once a week (another thing which is wretchedly unfair, I do miss the au pair… I think she was German, strange girl but frightfully useful . I wondered briefly if we had time to get a cocker spaniel puppy to go with my new boots but then I remembered how angry Piers got when his brother’s dog chewed his sock braces last Christmas. A pair of tweed slacks and a charming cashmere scarf later I suddenly realised that I hadn’t yet framed the latest family picture from Verbier. Clearly that needed to be on display so I could lead an interesting discussion on whether we preferred it to Courchevel or Zermatt. There are some charming little home shops in Stockbridge but I wanted something that said:

“I, Jessica, have unique style and a huge bank balance.” I needed something chalk-painted and half-rotten. As I unlocked the X3 a strange little man opened his front door and shouted something about larking like a ducking anchor. I don’t really understand the Hampshire dialect so I did my best windmill arm wave and trilled out a charming laugh. It obviously worked as it looked like he was waving in my rear view mirror as I pulled away.

I have such a way with people, even the lower classes adore me. At Consawyoucoming there was a dazzling array of reclaimed furniture in every conceivable shade of grey. Resisting the super three legged chair with a moth eaten cushion by the front door I made my way to the back of the shop and found just the thing.

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A frame made from an old wooden frame (so clever and witty) daubed with eucalyptus-coloured chalk paint. It looked like something the children might make which made it even more delightful - plus it was reassuringly expensive at £235. Despite the warmer evenings I wanted to draw attention to the fact we have not one but three log burners so I also treated myself to some broken wicker baskets to pop by the hearths. I couldn’t decide whether a rusty light up arrow sign was a talking point or too reminiscent of circuses so I settled for the three-legged chair and what looked to be a blanket stolen from a homeless person. I put the £6,243.67 on the Platinum card whilst telling the girl behind the counter about my new wellies.

It turned out she was wearing the very same pair, how we laughed! Back at the house I just had time to make sure all my travel, obscure cookery and coffee table art books were on prominent display before Piers and the children got back. Apparently they had been somewhere called the Romsey Rapids which they had loved, although Piers said we should probably disinfect them before tucking them up in their custom cabin beds that evening. So now I await the tinkle of the antique door bell. The fridge is stocked with Waitrose Finest and the Chablis is chilling in the rusted wine bucket I snapped up yesterday in a last minute lapse of judgement. I take a rare moment of self reflection and realise how much effort my effortless look has taken. Of course, I have utterly pulled it off. It’s me after all.

Jess Sloane


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ORDER YOUR NEXT DOSE OF FUNNY THERAPY NOW Includes

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SMUG SCOOP New dark online Wintonian gaming community revealed.

INVESTIGATIVE DIG Salon Auteur: Networking party for Winchester’s intelligensia or den of iniquity for Wintonian secret society.

SMUT Winchester’s literary ‘quickie’ for readers who can’t be bothered to plough through ‘the classics’ for the ‘good bits’.

WEXIT - POST BREXIT SMUG roving reporter explores what WISPa’s new independent state of Wintonia will look like in a post WEXIT world.

Since you’re here... We’ve got a rather large favour to ask. More people are reading SMUG than ever, but lots of Wintonians are still unaware that our funny therapy is on offer. Trouble is, so as not to dilute our reader’s experience or compromise our writers, we don’t include any adverts in our content pages, leaving SMUG free to investigate, satirise and comment on everyone and everything - keeping it truly independent.

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£3.50! at least

WINCHESTER’S SATIRE MAGAZINE Unfortunately, our print runs are funded by advertising revenues, which means that we can’t print as many copies as we would like. (Yes, a rubbish business model, right.) Still, regardless of our business acumen, a lot of time, money and hard work goes into producing SMUG and we do it because we love and care about Winchester. So, if you enjoy SMUG, please help to make our future more secure by donating to the cause. For a little inspiration, feel free to watch our editor, Lady Wench, pleading with her pants down at smugwinchester.com.

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What do you get out of it? Well, not much I’m afraid. There’s subscription to SMUG for life (our life), a SMUG mug, and the title of Lady or Knight of the SMUG Round Table, a completely meaningless and useless title, but one that comes with the knowledge that you are in part responsible for helping make people laugh. What better gift is there, apart from life itself of course. Thank you.


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by Modern Art Phobia Specialist Dr. Sebastian Rooks spawn outrage or court controversy. It is important to identify that aside from the fact that the main focus of the painting is of a severed head, there is no blood and the expression on Austen’s face is quite simply nonplussed.

It displays no harrowing facial grimace or gore as it io S o e it t e e d o o t e ti t

W

Shit?

hen I first heard rumours that a new contemporary portrait of the author Jane Austen was to be created and exhibited during 2017, I was intrigued. With close to three decades of experience studying how certain sets of individuals cope with some of the art world’s most notoriously controversial creations I felt compelled to write something regarding this new portrait of Jane Austen, Not so Plain Jane. Although this new portrait of Jane Austen is far from controversial in the true sense of the art world, it could pose a problem across some sections of the society within the cities in which it is planned to be exhibited, such as Winchester and Bath. The geographical locations chosen all hold significance for certain aspects of the author’s brief life. In my experience there is always a danger that when an iconic figure is so ingrained within the DNA of a historic place, public discomfort and discombobulation can often ensue. As a society we have come a long way from the outrage of Carl Andre’s meticulously placed house bricks at The Tate and the subsequent acquisition of Andre’s artwork by the publicly funded institution. The reaction, outrage and hyperbole surrounding the young British artist of the early to mid 90’s seems anachronistic today.

Shit

e ie o o i cans of his own shit are now often met with a smirk and a shrug. However, this new painting of Jane Austen could still strike a nerve. On first viewing ‘Not So Plain Jane’ offers little to

The features of ‘Not So Plain Jane’ are totally in keeping with how we have all come to comprehend the various depictions of Austen over the decades, that of an individual with a calm, aloof gaze staring into the distance. To truly assess the potential impact and reaction to this artwork, we need to discuss the unique aspect of this new painting of Jane Austen. It is important to address how this artwork could most certainly cause some citizens of Winchester and Bath discomfort and discombobulation,

Salome with head of John the Baptist by Caravaggio

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as they experience what I like to call the Veneration Effect. The Veneration Effect is based on a complex relationship, which can develop over many years, cultivated within reserved communities whose cities hold a significant historical relevance. These locations hold a very strong vested interest in protecting their icons whilst maintaining their relevance within the context of today’s modern world. This self-appointed obligatory need to remain custodians brings forth with it a deep sense of reverence for significant icons such as Jane Austen. The author clearly holds sway and brings forth a deeprooted sentimentality which has lasted throughout countless generations. It would also be remiss not to address the lucrative nature of a decent tourist draw which a strong icon such as Jane Austen clearly offers.

To put it rather crudely, to some, a modern interpretation of a local deceased luminary is quite simply seen as bad for business In speaking at great length with Simon, the artist behind this work, it is quite clear that ‘Not So Plain Jane’ was conceived to convey a note of concern with regards to the nature of ownership and appropriation around the tragically short life of Jane Austen. Perhaps the deeper question is that although there has always been a subtle battle for a prominent stake in Austen’s heritage, it will be compelling to observe how respective tourist boards choose to mark the bicentennial of Jane Austen’s death which falls on July 18th 2017.

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It is quite clear that with regards to the inclusion of this new contemporary portrait within the countless organized exhibitions of Austen’s knickknacks,

Not So i e i certainly be dismissed from proceedings and regarded as a drunken distant relative forced to dance alone in a corner. From a professional standpoint I remain cautiously optimistic that the people of Winchester, Bath and Basingstoke will remain calm when faced with this new interpretation of their cherished Ms. Austen. or those however who do find themselves struggling with ‘Not So Plain Jane’ or any form of spontaneous act of free-spirited expression to life in general I would recommend standing in front of a large mirror and asking yourself this question “Why So Serious”?

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Dr. Sebastian Rooks runs a small modern art phobia clinic and help group in Romsey and he will be organizing several gatherings in Winchester across the summer. Dr Rook’s forthcoming publication ‘Why So Serious’ will be available in December 2017, available on Amazon and in all good book stores. Find out more about Not So Plain Jane at:

www.notsoplainjaneausten.com

What people are saying about Not So i e “I am very unclear about what this is about. My friends keep saying it was painted by an inmate at Winchester prison called SIMON. If this is true I recommend that someone tell us if this SIMON fellow will to be eligible for parole in the foreseeable future.” “You cant go after Jane Austen. She s untouchable. “I like the fork in her neck, it reminds me of a heavy metal album cover my dad has. t s li e actually uite nice to see her head like this because the time we had to read like the Mr Darcy novel at school me and my friends always kinda thought every image of Jane Austen looked as though she was like one of those really odd loo ing sh they lay on ice at the supermarket. Weird painting, but cool.”

Dr. Sebastian Rooks

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1990

by Adora Belle Dearheart

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w outer nourish the inner aspect

by Tilly Bottom YOUR style guide to Hat Fair

I REMEMBER the good old days when you could get a pint for £1.20. And it was served in a pint glass, not a jam jar with a sprig of rosemary. Kids were only allowed in the pub if every single adult was smoking a Rothmans, otherwise it was outside in the car for them. You didn’t need high chairs, you’d just tie them to the nearest table. A kids menu was a glass of lurid coloured pop and a pack of monster munch. Now it’s fish goujons served with truffle dip and behavioural meds. If you wanted a good fry-up you had two options – Laura’s or the greasy spoon at the bus station. Ask for smashed avocado in either place and you’d be laughed out of the building, a piece of fried bread bouncing off your temple as you went. Coffee was coffee. With or without milk. Burping Ron was alive and as well as could be expected. Pushing his trolley around town burping in your face and shouting ‘It’ll soon be Christmas!’ In March. We all drank in The Eclipse, The Vine and The Mash Tun. You’d occasionally venture in to The Wykeham Arms to see Graeme and eat a couple of bangers and mustard at 35p a pop. You could enter the Cathedral without paying if you didn’t mind the furious eyes of the donation collectors following you around the building, and The Antiques Market was still thriving. Actual antiques, right next to that insane stand that sold 200 kinds of beads. Every other shop sold second hand books and if you were born here you could still afford to live here. Just about.

I’M officially declaring summer open, and summer means Hat Fair. Yes, it’s that time of year when the pavements of Winchester become blocked with scruffy (& unwashed) street performers doing “creative things” with elastic bands, stilts, and teapots. It’s important that any self-respecting Wintonian dresses so as not to be confused with the act. For ladies, we are recommending the Breton, skinny jeans and a ballet pump and for the men a deck shoe and shorts. The look we are aiming for is, I’m windswept and just got off my yacht to support a worthwhile cause. Do remember sunglasses to hide from audience participation embarrassment. We’re relaxed about dog of the season but do stay away from ones that yap or hump the leg of others in the audience. Perhaps accessorise dog with jaunty neckerchief. Leads are a must, one for the dog, one for each child under ten and I find one for the husband works wonders too. In case of showers take raincoats, umbrellas, hats, a jumper and wellies. Should it be sunny then you’ll need a sun hat, flip flops and sunscreen. Take plenty of healthy snacks to keep you going, like hummus or mashed avocado if you can find the blasted stuff, there’s a world shortage apparently. All should be packed in wicker baskets or raffia bags – no plastic please! Why not create your own little VIP area in the street, take along one of those indoor / outdoor rugs and folding chairs? A small gazebo provides shelter from rain or sun alike but do make sure you string up some bunting to create atmosphere. Take small creative, wooden toys to toss on rug and keep children amused. I appreciate there’s a lot to carry here so what about one of those nice retro VW campers to transport it all in. Enjoy!

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Wintonian Gardeners’ World NOW the gardening season is under way, here are some top tips for getting the best from your plants, flowers and vegetables. As ever, it is critical to expound at every available social opportunity the virtues of organic, eco-friendly, sustainable gardening.

We all know, of course, that this politically correct green nonsense simply does not work. Organic, eco-friendly approaches are like gardening with your eyes shut and both hands tied behind your back, and those few plants that struggle to emerge are decimated by slugs, snails, aphids and anything else that blows by on the wind. If that lot fails to finish them off, the last sickly shoots perish from disease. As any successful gardener accepts, prize winning results require the assistance of herbicides, pesticides, slug pellets and liberal quantities of synthetic fertilizers dug into peat. First, therefore, install the Tor browser on your computer. Then search the darknet for one of the online garden centres that stock such products unencumbered by pernickety EU or WHO regulations. For overgrown garden areas, try Agent Orange. This can be delivered in bags marked: ‘ornamental bark chippings’. Also, much to be recommended is Chernobyl topsoil. Delivery is free, and, to allay suspicion, bags are labelled: ‘ecofriendly, peat free, organic compost’. For peace of mind, apply this product after dark, and wear a radiation suit. You will be able to see adequately, however, even on moonless nights, because the soil emits a convenient blue, iridescent glow. This residual radioactivity causes greatly enhanced plant growth. It also kills slugs and other pests – including, if required, the neighbour’s cat. Happy gardening!


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W-indie shopping

A guide to Winchester’s favourite independent retailers (because chains are just too awful, darling) C(amilla) & H(enrietta)

P(hilip) & G(eorge) Wells

Kingsgate Wines & Provisions

Stocking a better class of knicker elastic for the discerning seamstress. Actually we are worried they are a chain, because there’s one in Tunbridge Wells – maybe a little bit vulgar after all? If they open any more branches, it will be curtains.

For the bibliographical connoisseur (no mercenary 3 for 2s, and anyway they don’t stock Thucydides in Waterstones). Perfect for browsing before we sneak home to order on Amazon.

Straight out of Anthony Trollope: where else could you buy a brace of partridge ordered in from Stockbridge, served by one of the cathedral lay clerks? No parody needed. Wine list enhanced by the secret passage from the cellar into the Wykeham Arms. Red trousers and tweeds preferred.

Tom’s Deli

Kingsgate Books & Prints

D(olce) & G(abbana)

Because we were running short of places to buy a latte without soiling our consciences helping Starbucks with their tax evasion. Now with a new outdoor concrete garden, for an extra shot of carbon monoxide..

If Jane Austen didn’t shop here, she should have done. Browse for antique prints of vanished buildings from yesteryear – Hyde Abbey, St Mary Magdalene leper hospital, Friarsgate carpark.

Stop saying LOL. Just laugh like a normal human being. whatsimonsaid.com 148

Rick Stein’s favourite hardware outlet. Drop in for a screw and check out the latest fashion in shorts. So much more stylish than B & Q.

Minecraft has allowed me to create my very own home. Sod mortgages and Sod reality.


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Instructions: 1. Arm yourself with a tin of Faber-Castell colouring pencils. 2. Imagine your anger towards the above affront on good taste to be a white fluffy cloud floating off into the distance, while repeating the affirmation: I transcend my tuts. Even when I am provoked, I remain calm and centred, at peace with myself and the world.. 3. Now colour.

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R E T E M O G U M H ow

u? e yo ar

e ster h c n i ” W “

1. It’s the weekend and you fancy a drink. Which establishment do you choose?

3. You’re out with the dog on Badger Farm (or Turd Common as it’s now known) when your cocker spaniel lays a huge dog’s egg in the middle of the path and you realise you’re out of poo bags. What do you do?

a. The Gaol House because there’s nothing like a pint at 8am on a Sunday morning

a. Ask another dog walker for a bag and clean it up

b. The Black Boy as you think it’s cool to be seen drinking with a stuffed donkey

. “ tic and ic ” it into the undergrowth

c. The Wykeham Arms as you enjoy getting served by a young man in a tie

c. Ignore it - it’s Badger Farm, not St Giles Hill!

2. It’s Saturday afternoon and you’re strolling down the high street when a chugger catches your eye and approaches you. You react by:

4. YOU Receive an application for new housing estate on empty plot of land near your house. What do you do?

a. Head butting them

a. Ignore it, “never mind, we need more houses”

b. Pretending you already give 10% of your salary to the charity in question

b. Contest application (NIMBY)

c. Walk straight past while pretending to look at your phone

c. Contest application whilst submitting application for an underground car park a lfie need a lay oo in the attic

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5. How Winchester are you?

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8. It’s Saturday afternoon and you fancy popping into town. Where do you park?

a. Visited once when a child a. Eco friendly park and ride b. Born and bred b. Riverpark because it’s the cheapest c. Moved from real city two years ago c. The “Landy” wouldn’t fit in any of these irritatingly small spaces, so you’ll have to walk the full 200 yards from your townhouse in Canon Street

6. You’re waiting for the 06:48 to Waterloo. Someone jumps ahead of you in the makeshift queuing system on the platform. How do you react?

9. You’re looking to replace your old, tired looking coffee table which you’ve left at the Bar End dump. What do you do next?

a. Ignore them (we’ll all get there in the end) b. Patronisingly explain the queuing system to the obvious newbie

a. Buy a nice, modern looking one at Ikea

c. Sneer at their ignorance as you’re in 1st class anyway

b. Splash out on a trendy glass-topped table at John Lewis

7. You hastily catch the 06:48 to Waterloo, however, there are no spare seats. What do you do? a. Return home as you inevitably get lost on your way to the building site

c. Visit the monthly Art & Craft fair in the high street and pick up your old one that’s been upcycled by a local student for £300

10. It’s Marcus’s 8th birthday coming up and you need to organise a party. What do you do?

b. Stand up, grin and bear it whilst reading the Hampshire Chronicle property section

a. Invite a few of his best friends over to your house for tea, cake and party games

c. Set up your folding stool next to the bogs and settle down with a copy of The FT Digital edition on your iPad

b. Splash out on a hosted party at Gambado or Marwell Activity Centre

POINT SCORE SHEET a = 0 pts b = 2 pts c = 5 pts

Question 1

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Question 6

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Question 2

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Question 7

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Question 3

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Question 8

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Question 4

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Question 9

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Question 5

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Question 10

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c. Ask for a £50 minimum donation per child and use the proceeds to fund a marquee reception in the back garden for the most well-behaved parents

TOTAL:

pts

Results on page 28


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HORRORSCOPE If all hope resides in the lottery, you have already on ithout ha ing to filthy your hands with lucre … be grateful. Meanwhile, the cat probably needs worming before your Tuscan holiday … TORUS

The duality of your nature splits also to surprised-to-be-alive cats and returning to eternity. Either way, you have a long road ahead of you. Others may try to impede your progress, but even snails make tracks… N

VIRAGO

LIB-BRA

SCRAPPY

June 23 - July 23

Smell is one of the senses that can seduce you, whilst tree-climbing is still not beyond you even yet. Who you are, and why, is something you need to ponder over the coming equinox.

e

s lts a e R e r h T

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Now that our children do not play with water and learn relative measures kinetically, so too might we as adults give too much weight to something that only appears heavy. Give it a push and see. AQUEERIUS

Jan 21 - Feb 19

Wishing others well is something you do naturally, so it’s odd when you take against someone or something for no good reason. Your chemistry is just off, not theirs. Plant honesty seeds in embankments. PIXIES

Oct 24 - Nov 22

The wilderness calls and your phone isn’t charged – don’t you hate it when that happens? Pairing your socks and tidying it hen u boards ill ro ide re e ti e moments otherwise ungraspable.

R E T E M M U G Ou

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Sep 24 - Oct 23

Charity is begun at home and it is certainly the better side of current emotions. As your major planets trine over the weekend, you will find a new feeling of freedom. The allotment needs attention too.

Nov 23 - Dec 21

Who are you kidding – you, mostly, it seems! Self-delusion is one thing, but don’t drag others into your delusions. Tractors have always had a special place in your heart, so buy one!

Aug 24 - Sep 23

The Weather in the Streets was a book you wish you had titled, it speaks so much of the past and powers beyond, of the pedestrian and bridges in the rain. Consider the frost patterns on inside windows.

May 22 - June 22

SAD-GIT-AREAS

July 24 - Aug 23

Faking illness will not get you the money you need – sell blood instead. Permanent income. Alternatively you could think about turning your hand to carpentry and make your own coffin, saving again

Apr 21 - May 21

Doughnuts are on your mind for reasons you cannot fathom save for your current obsession with all things nautical, including sailors. Fish could give you the balance you need. Try laver bread if not. N

LEE-HO!

Mar 24 - Apr 23

by Lady Arcana

Feb 20 - Mar 20

Life is a strange game, but you know that only too well, with your intuition acute in both sensitivity and response, but make sure you do not go bonkers. You can hold it in, you know you can. Don’t buy any guns.

0 - 15 points

inche te i definitely not the lace fo you. There are delightful properties in Eastleigh!

16 - 30 points

in !

– Well done, you are often pretentious but could do better. Do you live in the outskirts of the City, somewhere like Teg Down, perhaps? Please stay there!

31 - 50 points

– Congratulations! You are as smug as one can get. Don those salmon trousers and wax jacket and let’s celebrate down the Wykeham! Word puzzle solution: PROMISES LIKE PIECRUST MADE TO BE BROKEN

AERIES

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Signed limited edition giclée prints of front cover artwork by Mark Michael

Unframed: £50 Framed: £70 art@smugwinchester.com

BECOME A SMUG SPONSOR, PARTNER, SUPPORTER or FRIEND N The writers and illustrators who contribute to SMUG do so with no financial reward. By using pseudonyms, nor do we seek recognition. We simply want to keep our beautiful city from disappearing up its own bottom by prompting the people of Winchester, you and me, to laugh at our foibles and idiosyncrasies. We call it funny therapy. Gifts of any amount, no matter how small, are gratefully accepted.

If you like SMUG, have a business to advertise or simply wish to support our cause, we are looking for likeminded individuals and businesses with which to form ‘mutually beneficial’ relationships.

For a private chat, please contact our lovely editor, Lady Wench editor@smugwinchester.com

HOW TO DONATE All donations can be made via our website: smugwinchester.com For a personal conversation contact the editor Lady Wench: editor@smugwinchester.com

NS N FOR SMUG WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (Max 250 words). We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns anything, in fact, so long as it ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors’ details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Contact: editor@smugwinchester.com

CONTACT SMUG SMUG EDITORIAL Fancy contributing? editor@smugwinchester.com

ORDER NEXT ISSUE OF SMUG Order at: www.smugwinchester.com Enquiries: editor@smugwinchester.com

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Your response to anything at all letters@smugwinchester.com

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DONATE For a chat about donating editor@smugwinchester.com

Published by Winchester Film & Art CIC, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, SO23 8SR Printed by Sarsen Press Cover art: SIMON www.whatsimonsaid.com | Line Drawings: Kate Arnold | Illustrators: jam jam, @naustbakken, Charli Tait www.charlitaitcreative.com | Editorial Consultant: LEGIBLE

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S N Email: ads@smugwinchester.com

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COULD THIS BE YOU Aged over 40? Well educated? Like wine, the arts, long walks in the countryside? Yes? Well fuck off then, I’m looking for an 18yr old, vacuous, size 8 stunner with massive tits, no brain & absolutely no opinion on anything. Must be able to iron, cook & give a decent blow job. Box 8238 REGULAR RELIEF Man with stye seeks companion for teabagging. Kind round man, with mild mobility issues and reoccurring stye eye, needs partner for friendship and help with regular hot teabagging for relief. Box 2342 NO MOTHERS Bachelor 41, living at home looking at faded aeroplane posters on bedroom wall & a sticky stash of porn, seeks woman for fun frolics flat sharing so I can get away from my mother. I can’t cook or clean, but give me a chance. Box 495935 MEOW Man with cat seeks other pussy lovers. Box 4959

CALL ME DICK They call me Mr Bombastic. You can call me Dick. My real name, however, is Quentin. But only mother uses that. And Nanny. Years at Winchester College have left me uncomfortable at a prolonged seated dinner party arrangement & a nervous tick when anyone asks me for a fag. Box 2342

Issue.5 2017

WINCHESTER MAN Generic Winchester man, often to be seen wearing faded red jeans & scuffed boating shoes in Waitrose, with the Telegraph tucked under my arm, seeks generic Winchester woman. Ideally a mannequin from Fat Face or White Stuff. With a brain & home that Cath Kidston would be proud of. I can offer chums rates on expensive but ‘need to be seen’ welly boots as Johnny Boden was a year below me at prep school. Such creativity. Essential attire at any non-muddy Hampshire County Fair as long as you have brown Labrador to accessorise with. Box 4959 GENUINELY WORTHY Retired city banker. Winchester College educated & fed up with being stereotyped. Scratch below this you’ll soon find that I really am the greatest man ever to have lived. Better than Elvis or Ghandi. You’ll never be a genuinely worthy partner, but try anyway by first replying. Include full list of qualifications, your aspirations & a full frontal nude body shot. Box 4959 SPIRIT & SOUL Bishop needs to find out about daisychaining for pastoral purposes. Leave a note in my crozier the flask has been removed. Box 4959

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SMALL ADS SCAPE GOAT wanted for Silver Hill Qualities required - easy target, foul mouthed, short temper, no friends in high places/of family Contact Winchester City Council Gardener wanted for Hyde allotment Celia 01962 80818

ARCHAEOLOGISTS ANONYMOUS Building an extension? Let us help you dig a hole in your finances. We operate on a no-find, big-fee basis costs from £1,000 for a watching brief on your excavations and discharge of planning conditions. Includes a free 40-page pro forma report on all the items we have not found, and complementary brown envelope to WCC. Skeletons in your closet? Dial Hyde 900 for a confidential listening service. Optional gravedigging and BBC documentary.

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ADONIS Bitter, unsuccessful, middle aged, lonely woman, looking for a 20-something Adonis to bore to tears with tales of a wasted life, vaginal thrush and missionary sex. Must be a good listener. Can accommodate. Box 2343 FRESH & EXCITING St. Cross lady seeks Stanmore man for excitement (and an opportunity to shock my friends Felicity and Amelia, who are shagging their tennis coach). It’s time to bring something fresh (and tattooed) to our table at Costa. Box 2883 PERFECT CATCH Slightly smelly mermaid seeks fisherman for endless rock pool play. I’ll show you my fucus if you show me your winkle. Box 5701.

38 CANS OF CEMENT. Bought by mistake. Exchange for some crystal meth. 0768 346999 SMUG magazine has urgent vacancy for proof-reader. No prospects, no salary, no reward, but opportunity to gloat over others’ mistakes. Apply in person to editor SMUG magazine editor@smugwinchester.com Complete works of Jane Austen. First folio. Hardly read. 78934 87233 Pony and trap for sale. Buyer collects. £10 Mr Windsor 07986 234123

To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads £3 per word £15 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1/16 page - £50, 1/8 Page - £80, 1/4 - £150, 1/2 page - £200, Full page standard - £400, Full page inside front/back cover gloss - £450

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Issue.6 2017

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eriously, because what is currently happening in the world is far more astonishing than anything we can make up, and SMUG is in danger of becoming a gentle cupcake of parochial satire that reinforces the nihilistic cynicism of an already receptive readership, we have created a ‘straight’ current affairs section that offers a serious SMUG perspective on issues global, national and local. Mindful that what you read in public may induce others to pigeon-hole you politically - Guardian and The Big Issue readers to the left, Telegraph and Binky Bear readers to the right - I thought you might appreciate knowing where SMUG stands on the political spectrum. You know, just so you don’t inadvertently find yourself reading the wrong thing. “Hold on a minute,” you interrupt. “My reading material doesn’t define me. I have a mind of my own. Bloody cheek!” Yes, yes, you (unlike the others) are an erudite, openminded, magnanimous, non-judgemental, self-aware individual. When presented with an argument, you don’t jump to conclusions. You painstakingly sift and assess all the evidence, points of view and moral implications, gleaned from an eclectic selection of broadsheets and reputable online experts, with sources you diligently check. Then, careful not to be prejudiced by your personal bias, you arrive at an objective, informed decision about where the solution lies, and how best to implement it in a way that serves the greater good.

Or the opposite. A principled political stalwart, loyal and committed to the true cause. Wherever you plant your political bottom, here at SMUG we believe that, while the see-saw battle for political truth and justice is vital and necessary to keep totalitarianism at bay, one can never be certain about what is true. Even if we overcome our own individual cognitive bias and base our opinions on intellectual objective appraisal rather than emotional and territorial allegiances, we still need to distinguish information from misinformation in a world where truth seems determined by how effectively a story is spun, rather than whether it is substantiated. This is made even more difficult when we consider that most news stories we glean our information from rely on the calculated messages of people with a vested interest in a particular ‘truth’. Given all this, SMUG feels that anyone who claims to know the ‘truth’ suffers at best from complacency and, at worst, from a tendency to bully, deceive and manipulate to convince others of the one true path. SMUG’s new ‘straight’ reporting, then, does not aim to move you from one position on the see-saw to another, but to widen perspectives, to highlight absurdities and to reveal some less visible threads of power and privilege that hold this city, and the world, together. Okay, so we may occasionally mete out a little light spanking to those seated on the see-saw’s extremities, but let’s face it, that only affords them just enough self-flagellation to happily carry on being guilt-free retentive arseholes. I don’t mean you and me, of course. The others.

Or perhaps you are more pragmatic. A flexible opportunist who shifts left and right along the political see-saw, lending your support to whichever argument best serves your own needs, those of your loved ones and the community that holds you - a canny survivor in a dog-eat-dog world.

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New Winchester festival promises nothing of any interest at all ANOTHER EXCITING addition has been made to Winchester’s festival calendar with the announcement of the inaugural Non-Festival in 2018. Organisers were keen to point out both the need and appetite for a Non-Festival which will be: “Two days jam-packed with absolutely f*** all”, in the words of the festival promoter, Mr. Dunraven. He said: “For too long, Winchester has had to suffer with year-round festivals, so with that in mind we’ve managed to find two days in February where we want residents and visitors alike to shop and drink coffee without being subjected to gin, fashion shows, science talks, literary talks and Morris dancers.” He went on: “We’re particularly delighted to launch this in 2018, a year in which we are fairly confident that Jane Austen did not die, which means that all can enjoy a Non-Festival free of bonnets, books, exhibitions and rabid JA fans.”

2018 is a year in which e e i co de t t t e u te did ot die

The Non-Festival promises that absolutely nothing will happen over the two days: no cycle rides, no exhibitions, no sword swallowers, no comedy, no ice rinks, and nothing of any interest or note at all.

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Organisers promise it will be a welcome respite, bound to attract visitors from Hay-on-Wye, Glastonbury and Edinburgh keen to relish the atmosphere of a town where the streets are free of free samples of cheese, chilli and beer, and no one is forced to watch short films or wear a woolly hat. In previous years there have been attempts to amalgamate festivals in an effort to reduce the number of them. A city council spokesperson said that, though the Wine and Speakers Festival was a promising and, indeed, logical pairing - rivalling a similar happy melding of Ginchester and the Winchester Poetry Festival- re-locating the Chamber Music Festival to Boomtown last year proved less successful with legal action on-going.

Issue.6 2017

NEWS IN BRIEF RETIRED HARESTOCK RESIDENT remembers why he went into living room HAMPSHIRE CHRONICLE accused of journalism CHARTERS Estate Agent awarded award for being awarded most awards DELAYS anticipated on M3

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS Can you tell the difference?

TO MARK the introduction of our new SMUG ‘straight’ content, we thought you might appreciate the opportunity to test your ability to tell the difference between real news and fake news. Whenever a news story has the above ‘Real News or Fake News’ symbol, you might be surprised at how difficult it is to discern which is which. We are conducting a poll on Twitter to find out how discerning Wintonians are. So let us know your opinion by visiting our twitter account and searching for the relevant poll by scrolling down our twitter feed. To help you, here’s a reminder of what you probably already know. Don’t trust your brain. Brains are lazy. Designed to make sense of the onslaught of sensory stimulation and information they get from the world, brains filter and organise. To avoid being overwhelmed they tend to focus on certain details, ignoring stuff that doesn’t fit what you believe, while embracing stuff that reinforces what you think you already know, confirms your suspicions or appeals to your hopes. Don’t be swayed by your expectation of how ‘serious’ journalism should read. Just because something is well written and uses an authoritative and erudite tone, doesn’t make it Real News.

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Winchester birthplace of new coffee gambit ALL SELF-STYLED coffee aficionados know that, in recent times, it has become virtually impossible to achieve a clear win in a coffee bragging dialogue (CBD). Every connoisseur worthy of challenge owns a sophisticated coffee machine, and, with hundreds of coffees to choose from, anybody can enthuse about a type of which his or her opponent is unaware – naturally adding the denouement: “I’m surprised you’ve not heard of it.” Most CBDs have thus ended in predictable draws. SMUG has learned of a new Wintonian gambit, however, which has shattered this national impasse.

de t ted e c u i t ce u ed it o e “I was devastated when an acquaintance used it on me,” admitted an anonymous coffee aficionado to SMUG. “I’d explained to her that my Jura Impressa Z6 was, without doubt, best for making coffee from Kopi Luwak beans,” she continued, describing her defeat. “I ended by saying how surprised I was that she’d never tried it. I was expecting similar comments from her – leading to another CBD draw.

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS

The cost of making coffee with modern machines is spiralling. A few Nespressos each day add up to thousands of pounds a year. The winner of the above CBD had brilliantly reused that money to employ an eastern European barista. This ‘Winchester gambit’, as it has been named, will doubtless have become commonplace between the writing of this article and its publication. The genius of the gambit, however, is that it facilitates further denouement developments. Those reported to SMUG’s lifestyle editor prior to publication include:

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“Instead she replied: ‘Oh, Darling, I didn’t think anyone was still using those old fashioned machines. We employ our own barista. Ivan formulates coffee to our exact requirements.’ “I just burst into tears,” our informant confessed, “and fled the dinner party.”

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cou e e i e d e co ee it i te i ute o ou te t cou e e i o ti d Ste ite e o ti od tte t o e c cu o co t do SMUG would love to hear of other worldclass CBD denouements. Email editor@ smugwinchester or tweet @SmugW

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Winchester college auctions off assets IT SEEMS no-one is safe from the unstable economic climate. In the face of growing financial uncertainty, educational institution and landowner Winchester College has been forced to auction off a number of its highly-valuable antiques and relics. The auction took place behind closed doors, to a selection of private bidders trusted to treat the artwork with respect, out of the reach of the grubby public. Though it was reportedly difficult to find a buyer for the stack of pre-Raphaelite church windows – “Stained all over!” – it seems agreements were reached on a copy of Hooke’s Micrographia, one of

the forks from its collection of 16th century silverware, four of its 37 Ming Dynasty vases, and a vinyl recording of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours (from the Second Master’s coveted LP collection). All funds raised will be directed towards necessary school services, such as Olympic-standard rowing boats and pay increases for morose staff. Though the auction is perceived as a success, this leaves the £38,100 per annum school with only 400 priceless watercolours, a closet of Ancient Greek pottery, and a host of unimaginably expensive items they will never figure out what to do with.

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Issue.6 2017

Is social media more in REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS tune than government? Council unveils interactive heritage tour

YET ANOTHER example demonstrates the power of social media to challenge government authority. The government commission investigating racial equality in zoos has already run into trouble. Marwell Zoo had been nominated as a flagship site leading this review, but the appointment of the enquiry chairman has caused controversy in some quarters. When the zebra twins ‘Blick and Whate’ were first nominated, they were thought to be the ideal choice. Not only did they appeal to both the Black and White communities, and have a strong familiarity with zoo culture, but being a joint chair they had a natural tendency to see an issue from both sides.

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However, this has not received universal acceptance, and a campaign has been started on social media to nominate a donkey instead. Opponents of the zebra twins say that they are far too definite in their appearance, and that several years ago one of them was overheard casting aspersions on the appearance of an okapi. They maintain that shades of grey would be seen as much more empathic towards the other animals and not be seen as taking sides with any particular colour. Supporters of the original appointment claim that the donkey’s technical qualifications were just not as good as the zebra twins’, and that the committee’s function was best served by objective analysis of the facts. Opponents see academic ability as far less important than media image. Who would you choose?

THINK learning can’t be fun? Winchester Heritage Guide has announced a surprise collaboration with Niantic software developers, looking at ways that modern technology can inspire engagement with the city’s colourful history. Following the success of Pokémon GO! – a smartphone app with over 650 million users which let you wander your hometown in search of digital creatures to fight and capture the new ‘Go Alfred!’ game will use local landmarks to guide users through an interactive tour of the city. Expected stop-off points or areas of interest include Alfred’s doctor appointments for his Crohn’s disease, the hanging of Danish sailors in Alfred’s court, disease-ridden poorhouses on Water Lane, prominent leper hospitals, and Canon Street’s highly-popular brothels.

English Heritage tasked with saving Winchester’s pavements WINCHESTER’S pedestrians will have a long wait for decent pavements, following the nationwide shortage of white paint. A spokesman for Winchester City Council said, “We’ve tasked our conservation team with asking English Heritage to reopen the historic white paint mines at the White Cliffs of Dover, but until then we’re unable to obtain enough white paint to identify our pavement repairs properly. At the moment we’re only able to mark about one broken slab in ten. We hope Hampshire County Council’s contractors might use their initiative to repair neighbouring broken slabs, but frankly we’re not hopeful.”

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New study explains visitor decline at Winchester’s High Street banks

IN LATE 2016, Winchester’s banks commissioned the city’s University to discover why customer visits remained at an all-time low. “We thought it might relate to Internet banking,’ a research team spokesperson told SMUG. ‘It turns out, however, that nearly all bank customers avoid visiting branches because staff behaviour makes them uncomfortable.” “I first noticed the change in staff attitudes four years ago,” recalled one report contributor. “I went to use a cashpoint inside HSBC. A bank employee opened the door for me, said a cheery good morning and asked if there was anything she could do to help me. It was creepy.”

e o ee o e ed t e doo o e id c ee ood o i d ed i t ee t i e cou d do to e e t c ee The study discovered that many customers fondly recall the days before banks began their post-financial-crash charm offensive. “Admittedly staff were rude back then, and totally uninterested in helping you,” said another report contributor. “At least their selfishness and indifference was honest, though. It feels so surreal now they pretend to be nice.”

Local loan sharks have capitalised on customers’ desire for honesty by continuing to offer a candid, no frills service. “I always borrow from Knuckles McNab,” admitted another report contributor. ‘It was scary when Knuckles beat me up for missing a payment, but at least I felt we had an honest rapport.

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“There were no devious psychological strategies to con me into believing he cared about me. He’s clear, for example, that defaulters will end up floating face down in the Itchen.” The banks have reacted with disappointment. “After the financial crash,” explained an anonymous local bank manager, “we had a dreadful reputation due to our greed and cavalier disregard for customers’ interests. There was no way we were going to change, so we had to trick the bastards into forgetting what the 2008 crisis had taught them about us. That’s why we ordered staff to feign courtesy towards the mindless cash-cows and pretend we gave a damn. I don’t know what went wrong,” he sadly concluded, referring to the Winchester report. “Perhaps the public aren’t as stupid as we’d thought.”

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SLOW BOAT TO WATERLOO In a seismic move today, Slow Wet Trains have announced that half of Waterloo Station is to be closed. A slightly frazzled Monsieur F. Controllee, Chief of Waterloo Passengers and Trains (C.O.W.P.A.T.) said: “we are planning a, how you say, demi-station. There are too much platforms, no? Eeet is too confusing to count from un to vingt-deux? It is just too easy to commute. So we are making ‘eeet more fun, by only having half of the platforms. People will like to squeeze into a smaller space – ‘eeet is more intimate, no? ‘ealthier? Easier to count?” M. Controllee said that he and his team of young Train Wizards and Tutees (T.W.A.T.s) have been discussing how to get the same number of ‘customers’ into a smaller space. “We ‘ave a great idea!” says Controllee. According to the chief: “Only people from Basingstoke can use the platforms, as anyone west of there – such as people from Winchester, Poole and Weymut are too big to fit onto the slimmer platforms. They will ‘ave to look for jobs locally – they travel too far to work in Londres anyway.” Phase Deux of the plan will involve various new inishitives: a new ‘Gold Shower’ ticket will allow ‘customers’ to sit on each other’s laps to save space; new all-weather seats on the roofs of trains will be provided (“you will ‘ave to mind the tete in tunnels!” says Controllee); and a new ‘Silver Throne’ ticket will allow one lucky ‘customer’ to occupy the toilet for the entire journey. This last inishitive is the first fruit of a new partnership between Slow Wet Trains and Deliverpoo, which will allow ‘customers’ to be transported to London on the back of a bicycle, should Waterloo be too crowded. Said M. Controlle: “We will be advertising it as our new ‘Deliverpoo to Waterloo’ service!”. Other plans are said to include a ‘Slow Wet Posh Wash’ for First Class customers. The unused half of Waterloo Station is to be redeveloped as a coffee shop.


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Issue.6 2017

THE TITWAY REPORT

his Is he e it iti ou o o i t e oc u u t e e e du e u t i ou o e it ou o i S co e o de t e ecc it i e i te ie i o eo t e e e o i e i to i utu e t i t o t e e e du i te ie e e di e it c i e i S e t i i i i to i de e de t Sece io i t t S t t d o d t ei o i to i e ecc

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We need to take back control: our borders, our politics, our finances, and we will create a wonderful new future. It will be wonderful.

e i c e te o de u e utu e t i e o de u You mention borders. People of Wintonia are concerned about immigration. It an be ery di fi ult or e am le finding a good leaner, or au air or e am le, or finding enough staff for the hospitals and coffee shops. What will be your policy?

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o, Mr. Savage, do you have a clear vision for life after Wexit?

Of course. We believe that the days of soundbite politics are over. We are going to say what we mean and we will be absolutely clear on this. Yes the government will be strong and stable; yes it will be for the many and not for the few; yes Wintonia will be great again. More importantly though, Wintonia will be wonderful! What do you mean by wonderful? Wonderful. Wonderful means wonderful. Put another way – full of wonder. But doesn’t wonder imply amazement, speculation as well as doubt? Yes. We will deliver on all three of those. Trust us. ould e be a little more s e ifi on some of the challenges that lie ahead. And to be sure there are many challenges – just where does one start?

You are right. Many of us in Wintonia enjoy an affluent lifestyle, but now we want to extend that to the very many. We will be the party of inclusion, not exclusion. Our preferred option is based on the Monaco model – people will be free to travel here to work, but property ownership and voting rights will be reserved for our own citizens.

of course they have the added advantage of creating jobs during the construction phase. If you are talking borders – what about freight? We have a clear plan. The main border controls will be sited at the existing motorway service stations around Wintonia: to the north at Sutton Scotney, to the north east at the renamed Wintonia services station. A new one will be built near Eastleigh to the south. Our environmentally friendly policy means that we will also encourage more trade to use the Itchen Navigation. New wharves will be built and we will construct a container port in the water meadows. This will be a fantastic investment in infrastructure, creating jobs and prosperity. Wonderful! Did you know that Wintonia consumes over 100 tonnes of coffee every day?

o de u So you want to turn the water meadows into a container port?

Where will these people live then? Wintonia is an expensive place to own property!

Yes, it will be wonderful! But our infrastructure plans don’t just stop there. We will of course need our own airport too.

Certainly Eastleigh, Basingstoke and Southampton; possibly London.

Where would that go?

And how will they get to work? We will build a new North/South high speed rail link. It will save commuters literally minutes off their journey times and be a great boost for the economy. We will ensure that the border controls don’t cause unnecessary delays.

On the water meadows of course The flat landscape will minimise the cost and time of building it, and being environmentally friendly, this will also be an airport for the future – specialising in helicopter shuttles to Heathrow, and with a runway designed for the flying cars of the future

Border controls? What do you mean?

here’s already an airfield at astleigh, and a smaller one at Popham.

We need to keep Wintonia safe. There are plenty of excellent models we can learn from: Hong Kong, Macau, Berlin to name but three. Closer to home of course we think of Hadrian’s Wall. These are well established, effective models and

Of course. But we have some concerns about the secessionist faction active in Eastleigh politics and we won’t be held to ransom. A capital needs its own travel links! Popham will remain as a valuable regional asset.

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REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS

Do you have any idea at all just how much all of this would cost, and how long it would take to deliver? Planning alone could take years, assuming you are able to obtain planning consents. Planning consents will not be an issue, as we will pass all the necessary legislation in the our first couple of weeks in power – executive orders! Do not worry: everything is fully costed.

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How much? No more than a few percent of Wintonia’s GDP. Some thousands, millions perhaps… a trifle really. It will be funded by PPP.

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Public Private Partnership? doesn’t have a good reputation.

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PayPal Premium. A small levy on all coffee purchases. Raising the necessary funds will not be a problem. A high speed rail link; a new port; a new airfield. hat’s a lot o in rastru ture. Who will build it? Who will manage it? How will it be funded? And what will the residents of St Cross think? You don’t know what you are talking about do you? Trust me, it will be wonderful. Do you believe that the public will give you a clear mandate in the forthcoming elections? People want to believe in a strong future. Today’s world is too full of worry and negativity. People draw the wrong conclusions from details and it generates fake news. You don’t need to ask these questions – you can trust us to do the right thing for Wintonia. There is a rumour that your campaign has been funded from abroad. In particular from France, because Wexit is in their strategic interest. What do you say to that? The French are greatly misunderstood. They have been our friends – well we haven’t seriously fought against them – for nearly 200 years now, and they have great cuisine. That’s a French word you know! I’m a great admirer of Napoleon. Like King Alfred, he made his country great and we will do the same. Will Savage, thank you.

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WINTONIANS

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Building a wonderful future future together e i Hard hat / high vis modelling Digger driving raf c cone arranging Stop/Go sign rotating Tea consumption

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Issue.6 2017

NATIVE by Adora Belle Dearheart

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REMEMBER the good old days when you could get a pint for forty pence and have enough change for a pickled egg. That’s when a bar snack knew what it was. None of these toasted lentils sprinkled with exotic spices. Egg, vinegar, wooden fork. Everyone was happy. Well, as happy as you could be with dad screaming at the telly whilst Thatcher told him to buy a stamp and hop on his bike. The hub of youth was King Alfred’s Boys Club. Punks and skinheads peacocked on the Buttercross whilst the boys from the barracks marched past on their way from The Westgate to The Guildhall Tavern. You’d buy your Sunday joint from Mr Dewhurst and your hangover cure from Murray’s Chemist on the corner of Andover Road. A bag of scraps was two pence from the chippy so no one went hungry.

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1981 Auf Wiedersehn, Pet dad’s came home once every few months and gave you too much pocket money which would go straight in the pocket of Mrs Buckle, the sweet shop lady. And a jolly soul she was too. Martin lived in Abbott’s Barton but was better known as Zippo The Clown. It was a time of tadpoling and staring in wonder at the beautiful rainbow patterns created on the water by tin cans discarded in the Itchen. The family doctor still made home visits and administered to his flock with a Lambert and Butler hanging from the side of his mouth. And mum would thank him for his time with a glass of whisky.

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There was a still a patch of ground on Coney Green that no one had claimed and every year the locals would build a bonfire there and poke it with a stick to get the kids out before lighting it. We’d drag old mattresses round the edge and sit eating jacket potatoes and sausages whilst the flames licked at us a foot away and if you got burned alive well that was your own stupid fault.

ou ot u ed i e t t ou o tu id u t And on those eternal summer evenings you’d hear the ice cream van making its way up the road jingling Pop Goes The Weasel. You’d beg your Dad for pennies and he’d tell you regretfully that when the jingle played it meant they’d run out.


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WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (Max 200 words) editor@smugwinchester.com We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Contributors details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Thank you. Reward: Catharsis

Dear SMUG (and Steve) I am worried about our nice young MP. He must be very worried about Brexit, because the talks aren't really going very well, and he believes in it so much Or he does now the Prime Minister does. It must be very upsetting for him that some WInchester residents think he's more interested in his own career. Mrs May looks so worried too, about her career, and her with a degree from Oxford. Poor Mr Brine with a degree from somewhere far less prestigious may not be able to cope. And now his salary's been cut to under £90,000. No wonder he was so glad to open a new food bank. Hang on Steve, the party's with you, and it'll be alright when we've taken back control. Aileen Ferry Harestock

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Issue.6 2017

Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG

Thank you

A question

I would like to publicly thank Winchester City Council for removing the fountain outside my shop in Middle Brook St. I am so pleased that you took away the public space and, instead, created an outside space for my customers. The more of Winchester we can privatise, the harder life will be for the sort of people who don't have the money to pay for sitting down. .It was a stroke of genius to design the beautiful red brick wall to make it so uncomfortable to sit on.

I saw recently that you crowd funded the magazine Smug, and wondered if our local councillors had contributed? I realise that most are not that tech savvy as web users, for example, mostly their mobility scooters are still 3g and they tend to rely on frequent exchanges of brown envelopes in an unidentified pub next to Alfred's statue with shipping stability at its core, and other shaded areas in the City Business Centre. But beyond this, they do seem to genuinely want to contribute to this city's de-salvation. So did they?

Marcus Underwood

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Dear SMUG

Dear SMUG

Suggestion

Better for who?

As the only leave voter in Winchester I thought it only appropriate that I write publicly and thank the Rifles for their recent display of arms and explicit protection for our wonderful city against those barmy EU fuckers. Thank you also to the Lord Mayor for supporting the day. I would like to make a minor suggestion though. Perhaps in future years, the Rifles might consider surrounding Tom's Deli, Cafe Nero, Winchester School of Art - protecting the Chinese students inside - and that French disgrace in the Place, reminding them that the British stiff upper mafiosa is alive and well in this great city (anyone wishing to join me - meet in the Eclipse, Tuesday next, unless you know Tom Baker, in which case Tuesday last).

Two-thirds of the people of Winchester don't do the minimum amount of exercise to keep healthy. So what is the Council planning to do? They're creating a new Leisure Centre with much better facilities for people who are keen on sport and get enough exercise already. It will be further away from where most people live, and harder to reach by public transport. So people are less likely to go to it. And if they do, they are much more likely to go by car. The new location will also attract sports enthusiasts from outside the District who can drive there along the M3. So the £40million new leisure centre will lead to more ill-health and deaths, delivering no more exercise for the slothful and worse air pollution. A Sloth

A. Leeva

Dear SMUG Seriously

Dear SMUG

The inclusion of your so-called 'straight section' only goes to prove that SMUG suffers from the same pathological desire to be taken seriously as all aging jokers with a chip on their shoulder. Yours Chris Kemp Twyford

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Acronym . Dear Sanctimonious Mendacious Underhanded Guttersnipe. S.M.U.G. is full of So Much Utter Garbage Print that! Anon


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Odd things have been happening in the corridors of power

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Charlie Wheater, 88, retired: “It’s a shame we used to have all sorts of shops, a tobacconist where I’d get my ready rubbed – Fosters it was called, lovely chap and butchers and greengrocers... It’s all supermarkets now.”

Tazzer, 17, mother: “Rip off shops I call them. We got Poundland, Primark and TK Maxx is coming soon, what else do we need? Am I getting paid for this?”

THE PUBLIC seems to be responding well to the charm offensive of City Council leader Caroline Horrill. Inside Winchester City Council, however, odd things have been happening. The chief executive Laura Taylor, who arrived in January from Basingstoke and Deane Council, did what new people invariably do - decided to restructure. The council created an extra job at top level, Director of Place. Corporate Director Steve Tilbury would no longer be responsible for leading the large developments such as Silver Hill (aka Central Winchester Regeneration), Bar End Leisure Centre and Winchester Station redevelopment. Were they looking for a lively mind to set a “compelling vision” for the future of our city, or a methodical mind to make sure that developments are carried out properly? Either would be useful, but with the council seemingly unsure what it was looking for, an advert and job description that was unclear, and presumably a panel that was unclear too, is it any wonder the council didn’t appoint any of the candidates?

Meanwhile, at the next level of management, the chief executive decided that all the people called “Assistant Directors” would have to re-apply for their jobs with new job descriptions. Except that two Assistant Directors (men) were given a new job description without having to apply. After interviewing the rest, all but one of the men kept a job. Both of the women were made redundant. This may not be sex discrimination, but does it lay the council open to suspicion of sex discrimination? Maybe the council is embarrassed about all this. That might explain why the council didn’t tell the public what was happening. There was no press release about the new Director of Place post, no announcement of the departure of three Assistant Directors and nothing about the names and new roles of those who remained. Even City Council staff themselves seem to have been kept in the dark, and not told who their new manager would be.

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Clarissa Brassington, 52, housewife: “Since Cadogan’s closed there’s nowhere for my husband to buy his mustard moleskin slacks. Soon we’ll be left with just ghastly chain-stores full of cheap tat.”

Austin Cleaver, 16, gamer: “I don’t care. Now please go away.”


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Continued from issues 3, 4, 5 he word was out. Speculation filled bars, caf s and restaurants across the city. The speed of virtual e-communication had nothing on the valueadded informational relay of the human circuitry that is the real foundation of society, i.e., the poor bloody infantry who actually do the ‘work’. So it was that the barrister’s clerk told his cousin, the journalist’s girlfriend, who mentioned it to one of the vergers, who tipped the wink to the Bishop, etc., etc., until finally Miss Petherbridge, the local librarian, was able to confirm the phenomenal legal coup that Godlove had managed. He now owned the whole of the centre of the city – from King Alfred and the Itchen in the east to The Great Hall in the west and from Kingsgate in the south to the North Walls line – from the foundations down!

od o e o o ed t e o e o t e cit ce t e o t e ou d tio do ON HEARING the news, the four clan leaders - the two beer Barons, Northern Jane and Bare oot Dave, the Landlord Gentleman B and the Royal-in-Waiting, Edward CM - put aside their differences and convened an emergency meeting. The Barons, between them in charge of a fair few of the city’s more notable pubs and

eateries, were always first to hear any whisper, while the Landlord (actually the real landowner) of course had the greatest interest and employed the best legals to check the rumours. Gentleman B was explaining what had so far become known, while King-in-Waiting Edward CM emerged from under the table. “The shocking truth is gentlemen – and of course Miss Jane he has indeed pulled a veritable rabbit out of the hat. The ‘Church Insurance’ that every new homeowner in the city is encouraged to take out against their parish being in need and calling upon ‘the community’ to make contribution has been taken over by Godlove.

e c u c i u ce ee t e o e od o e “It appears that by an ancient ‘Act of the First Parliament’ King Alfred agreed that the city’s churches should all have the ‘Right in Perpetuity’ to call upon the local community for help, but the original Act setting up the arrangement stipulated that if the accrued fund ever reached £100m, the church commissioners could no longer manage it and the fund would have to be taken over and managed by an independent body. Of course everyone forgets the insurance, even the churchmen, and off they go and raise money afresh every time there is a ‘need’

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– even accepting ‘gambling money’ from the lottery! Meanwhile the fund continues to accumulate.” The two Barons and the Royal looked aghast. “What the hell are we going to do about him?” they cried in unison. But really they all knew the answer. MEANWHILE, over in the quiet and rose-begardened homes and offices of the Cathedral’s More-C-Than-C official godbotherers, almost the very same briefing was being given to the Bishop by the church’s legal advisors, Casuistry & Disregard. “It is an oversight of some moment, I admit,” said Disregard, “that the commissioners did not ensure that the fund – and the lands and rights so insured – remained in the control of a responsible and co-operative ‘other’. After 999 years it slipped the collective memory that the historic agreement needed revalidation at the end of the first ‘natural term’. Godlove’s spies (a.k.a. archivists) pointed this out to him ten years ago, so he has since then been seeking a way to take control of the fund. He consulted on early church requirements and process and, having traced the fund to a bank in Rome, had only to register his knowledge of the contract breach and enclose a banker’s note to buy the £100m fund. The bank was obliged to grant the sale – with all associated sous-terre land rights – and of course keep quiet about their own mismanagement.”


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“Well, OK,” said the Bishop, “so he has bought the fund and now has to manage it. Surely it is no skin off our noses?” The lawyer sighed. “You perhaps do not appreciate the finer points of medieval, i.e., pre Magna Carta, land law and ‘rights in perpetuity’ – ownership was then utter, meaning you owned the land to the very centre of God’s earth and to the end of time itself. After Magna Carta it went to the Crown ‘in perpetuity’. You only own the topsoil. In fact, not even that, you effectively lease the topsoil. And now Godlove owns the heart of the city from the foundations down!” The Bishop relaxed a little. “Well, that sounds terrible for everyone else, but the Cathedral and the college I assume are safe, by which I mean, of course, exempt?” A stillness and silence that might have been the passing of an angel fell upon the small crowd in the Bishop’s office, whilst speculation and fact-pinning continued elsewhere across the city. OVER at Woodentop Castle, the Great Wizard was staring goggle-eyed at the oompa-lumpa who’d drawn the short straw and had to explain this all to the council leader and answer the inevitable question: “But why does he want to do that? What

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possible use can he put all this ‘underground’ to? What’s he going to do, build an underground city and make us all work down there, like some ant nest? And what then, after that?” the Wizard expostulated, becoming slightly hysterical with the unreality threatening his fiefdom. “Will he flatten the city and turn it all into meadows full of butterflies and flowers? Well? Well?” he barked. The oompa-lumpa knew about rhetoric and so was quietly and slowly backing towards the door as the City Leaderene burst in shouting at the Wizard. “Just how much did you know about this? I bet you are in on it with him! And you know he has bought all he can of the above ground properties around the ‘new’ city perimeter, don’t you? House prices are going to skyrocket and Station Hill just trebled in value. Essentially, what the hell is going on – do you know?” The Great Wizard just looked at the Leaderene in a pathetic puzzled way and said, “I am sad to report that despite the legal legions at our disposal, thousands of hours of work and consultation with the best barristers our slush fund can afford, we haven’t got a clue. Frankly your guess is as good as ours. Fancy a gin?”

Northern Jane

The Leaderene did indeed fancy a gin, a big one, and stayed drinking with the Wizard until a rosy-fingered dawn broke the night’s spell. She and the Wizard were piecing together their evening – having woken in the former Law Library - just as, miles away in London, a courier started out on his journey to Winchester to deliver the decision on the city’s application for world heritage site status. ...

Why has Godlove bought the ground beneath the city and most of the land beyond the ‘new’ city perimeter? Is the Cathedral safe? What is it the four clan leaders know they have to do? Will Winchester become a World Heritage Site?

Continued in next issue

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City council announces ambitious plans to reduce pollution levels

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REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS THE RULES OF

1. Younger boys often pay a ‘food tax’ to prefects, offering a fraction of all snacks kept in their room REAL

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WINCHESTER CITY Council has announced ambitious plans to reduce pollution levels in the city. St George’s Street regularly tops the pollution league table for Hampshire, beating unhealthy competition from Sewer Street in Andover and Effluvia Avenue in Basingstoke. However, from the year 2040 petrol and diesel cars will be banned from the city centre. A council spokesman said: “This represents a major innovation in our forward-thinking strategy.

i e e e t o i o tio i ou o dt i i t te “Down the years we have tried all manner of solutions to traffic congestion short of implementing any measures to reduce the number of vehicles going through the centre. We realise that other similar cities have solved their traffic problems decades ago but we like to think that ours is now so established as to be one of Winchester’s proud historical traditions, dating all the way back to the 1970s or 1980s.” The spokesman denied the accusation that the year 2040 had been chosen because it is the year the government has decreed that sales of petrol and diesel cars must cease. “Pure co-incidence. It just shows we are forward-thinking in our strategy and ahead of the curve.”

A SMUG street vox-pop elicited a variety of views. Stallholder Giles Mount-Oliver said: “2040? Why exactly at twenty-to-nine? These councillors haven’t a clue, have they?”

e ct t e t to i e Local resident Deirdre Standmoor commented: “I love the 1970s! Does that mean Woolworths will come back too?” Meanwhile, American tourist Josiah Wrangler III, Jnr said: “I love how you Brits let big, bruising SUVs plough through your tiny towns without a care in the world!” Business owners have welcomed the news that people will eventually find the city centre a pleasant place to visit. The city council tourist board is already on board. A spokeswoman said: “We are very excited by the council’s forwardthinking strategy and are already planning our tie-in campaign. Remember how successful our ‘wINCHester’ (‘explore every inch’) promotion was? OK, bad example. Our new one will be headlined, ‘WinCHESTer: inhale our history without gagging!’ Admittedly, it needs work but we have 23 years to refine it.” N OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER BARS

“No, thanks, I think this gentleman was before me”

FAKE

2. Parents pay an additional deposit, on top of school fees, to cover any severe property damage their son infLIcts on local businesses REAL

FAKE

3. The Head Boy can give detention to a teacher who’s been at THE school for less time than he has REAL

FAKE

4. Boys cannot have female guests TO stay the night, unless 2 House Prefects deem she is FIt for purpose REAL

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5. School uniforms can be any ‘sober colour’, but require a minimum thread count to meet school standards REAL

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6. The school anthem, sung entirely in Latin, is actually an ode to going home REAL

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7. The Head Boy is the only student allowed to grow a beard, own a goat, or bring a sword into class REAL

FAKE Answers at smugwinchester.com

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WINCHESTER DISTRICT EDITION

VILLAGERS

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CHRONICLE UKIP REP FUMES

YOUR GUIDE TO VILLAGE COMMITTEES Doctors still waiting Page 2 ISBN:34520592534

smugpress

Binky rues missed opportunity

The Village Committee explained THE INHERENT problem with Village Committees is that unless you were at the inaugural gathering in 1927 you are unlikely to be granted permission to have an opinion let alone a position on a committee. “What you need to understand” explains Jim “is the hierarchy of the system, so then you can position yourself on various committees that affects others and enable you to get what you want one way or another. You can choose from The Village Fête, The Village Hall, Friends of St. Peter’s Church, Neighbourhood planning, The Football Club, The Cricket Club, The Tennis Club, The Horticultural Society, The Sports Club, The Music society, the Parish Council, Am Dram, Baby & Toddler, Youth Theatre, the 10K run and more.” I’d met lifetime Ropley resident Jim Knightly to get to grips with something that has baffled me: Who decides who does what?

o decide o doe t “It’s easy” continued Jim over a chocolate brownie. “The Parish Council ultimately makes the decision based on the views of the parish councillors. Those councillors are also on various other committees. Are you still with me? “The sports clubs report to the Sports Club Committee who report to the parish but there are members of sports clubs who are also parish councillors. Sports clubs also have to report to the Village Hall Committee which also reports to the Parish Council.

Winter 2017/18

Again there are Village Hall committee members who are also parish councillors. I might have forgotten to mention that if you fail to be represented at a Sports Club or Village Hall meeting you lose your vote to the Parish... unless of course the council member is also a Village Hall or Sports Club Committee member when they can vote on behalf of the club and not the Parish Council. Unless of course there is a tie or of course due apologies have been received no less than 48 hours in advance, whereupon an absent vote can be counted.

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“The most important thing though is not letting anyone else join the main committees. Then no one else can have a say in the way things are done. It’s been like this for fifty years and we’re not changing things any time soon..... I mean, it’s classed as ‘public money’ but we think it’s best if we look after things...” And that was that. Jim finished his brownie, I thanked him and he left. I tidied my notes and reflected on an interesting conversation. I must start thinking of putting myself forward for a Parish Councillor position soon as I want to put a planning application in next year.

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ALRESFORD UKIP representative Binky Bear took a swipe at the Hampshire Chronicle today for accurately reporting his intentions and forthcoming manifesto. Insiders from the young Bear’s campaign headquarters in Broad Street, Alresford, were quoted as saying that they were just not used to honest reporting and had spent weeks working on retorts to potential tabloid accusations that would now have no positive spin. “It doesn’t help that the others keep changing their mind” said Binky at the book signing of his latest story Binky, My Struggle. “I mean, at least with UKIP you know what you’re going to get.

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“We never went to the polls with a strategy to get the young voters only to revoke that policy after everything was counted. In hindsight I should have said we’re going to give all people between 18 and 24 free vodka shots on Thursdays and Fridays between 8 & 10pm.... We’d have walked the election and I’d be now sitting in a posh flat in Kensington working out how to send that other bear back to Peru.”

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Issue.6 2017

Alpha Mummy Gets a Dog e

Top tips on how to be a winning mum

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The less said about the farm we visited the better. Piers was furious about the mud on the 4x4 and I actually stepped in a cow pat in my best leather wellingtons. The puppy herself was sweet - she immediately chewed my cashmere shawl which showed a level of good taste I was not expecting. We paid and agreed to fetch her the following week.

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Am determined to book into puppy training classes immediately. Spoke to top puppy trainer in Hampshire as recommended by landed gentry chums of Piers. She said without an actual dog to register she couldn’t put my name down. Explained that we had been told her classes were THE BEST and we wanted our puppy to socialise with suitable doggy friends. She was not helpful.

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Continued researching litters of working cockers on the kennel club website. Little black bitch available in Basingstoke but worried how she would fit in on Oram’s Arbour. I could be like Henry Higgins in a canine version of Pygmalion.

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Decided on a name. Edith - meaning blessed. Apt for a puppy leaving Basingstoke to live in ulflood.

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Brought Edith home. Balthazar (cat) left immediately. 3am. Edith has been howling for 5 hours straight. Am googling dog calpol.

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Edith has chewed through the telephone wire and thrown up a load of duck feathers after savaging my favourite Liberty’s cushion. Must remember that it is actually terribly clever of her to be instinctively hunting at this young age. Still no sign of Balthazar.

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Sleep deprived. Took Edith to the vet after she ate my grandfather’s gold watch chain.

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Anyone less splendid than me would be feeling defeated. .

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Merlin asked if Bloody Fucking Dog was Edith's kennel name as it's what Daddy always called her.

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Chappell-Laceys have lent us a crate and recommended Piers start collecting the Metro newspaper on his daily commute for lining. Piers says absolutely no way as some of the articles in the Metro are subversive and the puppy’s Basingstoke heritage might come to the fore with the slightest provocation.

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Googling boarding schools for dogs.

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Am already dreading the letter home from the headmaster next term.

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Piers on a chaps’ night out in The Wykeham Arms. Delighted to discover although the children (both fully house trained) are not allowed in, Edith (who eats her own poo) is welcome. Edith has eaten my Consawyoucoming upcycled chalk painted frame. Piers says when she craps it out later and then eats it she will have achieved new levels of recycling and will probably be offered a job in the shop. The bloody bloody bloody dog has chewed up my -3 wellingtons. ar from enhancing my Country Life inspired look, the wretched animal is destroying it! Edith is going to boot camp with a local gamekeeper to learn how to behave appropriately. I have had to tell all the other dog walkers on the Arbour that she is so advanced she is in season already. I’m sure they believed me. She’s my dog after all. N OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER BARS

“Sorry, did I barge rudely into you?”


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Your brown paper bag, under the counter mag

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Your brown paper bag, under the counter mag

INSIDESN NS Battle of the Buttercross and the Restoration

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The SMUG Guide to

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Post Global Capitalism

t i u e it i o o e i e o utio t e i e o tio i i e ie o e it d u t e e o utio o c it i to d o e co io te e o o et i co ete di e e t combination of exceptional circumstances - a new invention, a global threat, social imbalance and injustice - will force a revolution. For the birth of the capitalist era it was the industrial revolution when resources were plentiful and population was scarce. Now the opposite holds true.

e e e too e e ou ce d too eo e n the fi st o o ost o se ies, co entato anessa o ssa sea ches o cl es to the t e o apitalis del ing into the past o its ost a o s ga e onopol

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efore we begin, I’d like to be clear. Posing the question of how global capitalism will end does not mean I’m an alarmist doom-monger in favour of the demise of the capitalist system. It’s simply that everything with a beginning comes to an end, be it a flower, an empire or a political era. Granted, in politics, it is not often that a new era begins. Rather, political phases conform to the pendulum law of motion, swinging left and right between political extremes. Only a

The Golden Age

After 500 years of capitalism, its socalled Golden Age, (or Late Capitalism) began with the rise of multinational corporations, mass media communication and international finance, and ended with the collapse of the Bretton Woods monetary system, the 1973 stock market crash, the oil crisis and the 1970s’ recession. Since the 2008 recession the term late capitalism has been revived as a catchall phrase to express contemporary capitalism’s distortions and excesses. Late capitalism was predicted by Karl Marx as being the phase when capitalism would finally destroy itself.

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The Prophecy

How Marx believed this would happen may sound familiar. The capitalist system, unable to expand and generate profits at past levels, would begin to consume the structures that sustain it and, in the name of austerity, drive both the working and the middle class into debt. Jobs would be increasing relocated to countries with cheap pools of labour, and politics would become subordinate to the economics and dictates of global capitalism. With an economy built on debt there would be no new markets available, no new pools of cheap labour and no more subprime borrowers for banks to conjure up. And all the while, capitalist oligarchs would hoard huge sums of wealth, tax free.

u e t o e t i io i t ed i o e e t e In a frantic bid to save itself, capitalism would attempt to maintain its profits by pillaging state institutions that should serve the people, while huge corporations would exercise a monopoly on global markets, thus obliterating free market competition. In effect, according to Marx, capitalism would sign its own death warrant.


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New challenges

Even if Marx’s prediction of rising indebtedness and unceasing inequality resembles life today, Marx failed to identify a few other significant challenges that capitalism now faces, such as the revolution in artificial intelligence that threatens employment; a new age of information sharing and connectivity on the scale of the industrial revolution. He also did not predict terror attacks by groups claiming to represent a culture whose often vilified sharia law regards money as a medium of exchange, not a commodity to be traded. (In Islam money has no intrinsic value, with current and savings account accruing no interest. Real assets must be bought and sold as opposed to the trading pieces of paper.) Add to all this the imminent threat of the environmental catastrophe of global warming and mass migration, and it’s difficult to deny that capitalism, regardless of whether it is responsible for any of the above, has a few challenges to overcome if it is to thrive.

Crisis. What crisis?

On the other hand, you could argue that Marx’s prophecy has never come close to being fulfilled. There has been no uprising of the proletariat, unless you include the Arab Spring, Brexit, or the Trump vote. And anyway, capitalism has been through repeated crises and transformations over the centuries. What is one more? Capitalism will resist any attack, thwart any rebellion and ride out any recession, as it has always done.

Lizzie who?

One little known quashed rebellion was carried out in the late 19th century by an anti-monopolist called Elizabeth Magie who decided to take on the capitalist system of property ownership at a time when monopoly capitalism was at its peak.

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Magie’s curious weapon of choice was a politically charged board game in which players moved around a square board acquiring properties and charging rent to other players who landed on them. Called The Landlord’s Game it was an educational weapon inspired by the ‘single tax’ political philosophy of economist and social reformer Henry George, who held that while people should own the value they produce themselves, economic value derived from land should belong equally to all members of society.

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The purpose of Magie’s The Landlord’s Game was to provide players with first hand experience of the vastly different outcomes of monopoly capitalism, prevalent at the time, and the single tax of Henry George. Magie achieved this by providing two sets of rules. Under the Monopolist set of rules, players got ahead by acquiring properties and charging rent from all those who were unfortunate enough to land on them. In a dog-eat-dog game, whoever managed to bankrupt the rest emerged as the sole winner.

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Under the Prosperity set of rules, based on Henry George’s single tax, every player gained each time someone acquired a new property. The game was won by all when the player who had started with the least amount had doubled it.

de t e o e it et o u e t e e o e t e e o t ted it t e e t ou t d dou ed it At any time during the game, players could move from the Monopolist set of rules to the Prosperity set of rules when at least two players voted to do so, a shift which presumably Magie hoped would play itself out in the real world by people moving from capitalism to Georgism.

Cruel twist of fate?

Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Capitalism marched on and a modified version of The Landlord’s Game that included only the winner-takes-all Monopolist set of rules was sold by Charles Darrow, who claimed to have invented it, to Parker Brothers. They called the game Monopoly.


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Global Monopoly

Today, Monopoly is enjoying a new lease of life after an exclusive licence for the game was bought by the company Winning Moves, which publishes both classic versions of the game and customised editions for countries, regions, cities, corporations and franchises. The latest of these is the Winchester edition of Monopoly.

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On the surface, the new Winchester edition is a cosy community-spirited venture, with Winning Moves inviting the Winchester public to suggest which 30 “leading Winchester landmarks should replace famous Monopoly addresses like Mayfair and Park Lane”. However, most of the squares were for sale to the highest bidder for somewhere between £8,000 and £12,000, though there is no mention of this in the public domain. In essence, then, Monopoly today is global capitalism in a nutshell. That is, a huge multinational selling a piece of paper in the form of a licence to a smaller multinational that sells ‘virtual properties’ to local companies, which sell them to real people who attempt to profit from everyone else’s losses.

he Spirit of Magie

While Magie may be turning in her grave, the egalitarian free market that she championed in her original game is present in the recent revival of stakeholder capitalism. This form of compassionate capitalism demands that businesses which generate wealth must take into account the needs, values and cultural demands of anyone affected by a company’s actions thus replacing the zero-sum game with a more caring holistic approach. In America, the ‘spirit of Magie’ lives in the 2015 legislation that requires new for-profit benefit-corporations to take into account the interests of workers, the community and the environment, as well as shareholders. In the UK, Community Interest Companies were introduced in 2005, for social enterprises that use their profits and assets for the public good.

In Norway, Magie’s spirit is in new interpretations of welfare capitalism prominent in the Nordic model and social market economy, which establish both fair competition within the market and a welfare state.

The real world

While some of the ‘spirit of Magie’ may reside in us all, in a world of finite resources where survival is the prime motivator, is there really enough to go around for the fortunate few to share with the unfortunate many? Who will make the sacrifices to be less ‘great’, less ‘wealthy’, less in control, and less confident of our historic identity) for a new wave of compassionate capitalism to have any more success than at the time of Magie? And anyway, wouldn’t it simply create more ‘spongers’?

ou d t it i c e te oe o e Or lead to a restrictive, oppressive and dictatorial totalitarian state akin to the old Eastern Bloc? Who knows what the future holds? The world is changing in the most unexpected and remarkable manner. Countries and unions are repositioning themselves. In the West, nationalism is taking hold as historically powerful countries such as the UK and the US are ‘taking back control’ to make themselves ‘great’ again, severing themselves from international communities and opting out of global legislation. Meanwhile, in the Middle East and North Africa, dictators have been brought down by bloody rebellions. Something is certainly afoot on a global scale. Will global capitalism be able to sustain itself? After all, everything comes to an end or morphs into something new. The question is, how and when will it happen? Will global capitalism be forced to change or will it instigate the change itself? Will it be murdered by the western equivalent of an Arab Spring or a Bolshevik revolution? Will it deconstruct itself through a messy series of Brexits and Trumps? Will it reincarnate into a wiser, more sustainable, compassionate version of itself? Or will something completely different happen? What do you think? How will global capitalism end or evolve, and what will a post global capitalist world be like?

ou S

Send your predictions and opinions to: editor@smugwinchester.com A selection of responses (max 200 words) will be published in the next issue of SMUG.

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The Hampshire Chronicle (March 2017) published that Monopoly was created in 1935, the year in which Parker Brothers helped Charles Darrow get a patent for Monopoly, thus implying that it was Charles Darrow who invented it.

Parker Brothers (now a brand of Hasbro) helped Charles Darrow get a patent for Magie’s modified version of the The Landlord’s Game, and were quick to snap up Magie’s patent for the original game. However, the company did not officially recognize Magie as the inventor of Monopoly until a court case in the 1970s shone a light on the game’s true origins.

In the regional Monopoly pecking order the following epicentres of world culture top Winchester: East Grinstead, The Isle of Wight, Swindon, Chelmsford, Milton Keynes and Nigeria.

Elizabeth Magie took out a newspaper advert auctioning herself off as “young woman American slave for sale to highest bidder.”

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Issue.6 2017

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU QUALIFY FOR TAX CREDITS DESPITE EARNING 150K (THANKS TO YOUR TAX ADVISOR)

YOU PRETEND TO BE ON YOUR PHONE TO AVOID A CHUGGER PAY NOTHING TO THE COMMUNITY CHEST

HELP YOURSELF TO ANOTHER 100 WHY NOT

YOU RENT A HOUSE IN ST BEDE CATCHMENT AREA TO GET YOUR LITTLE DARLING A PLACE

YOU GO MASSIVELY OUT OF YOUR WAY TO AVOID A HOMELESS PERSON MISS A TURN

SHAME TAX

ACCORDING TO YOUR VISITOR PARKING PERMIT YOU HAVE BEEN VISITING SOMEONE FOR 3 YEARS

YOUR BAG SAYS WAITROSE. YOUR RECEIPT SAYS ALDI. PAY 50 AND STOP PRETENDING

GO TO BASINGSTOKE

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A COMPLICATED TAX LOOPHOLE INVOLVING YOUR SPOUSE YOU AVOID 100K IN TAX TAKE

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6 TO VISIT THE CATHEDRAL (IT’S WHAT JESUS WOULD HAVE WANTED)


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CHANCERS HAVE VALUED YOUR 2 BED APARTMENT AT 2M

YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUR IDEAL HOUSE FOR 12 MONTHS

EXTRA TURN

MISS A TURN

YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUR IDEAL HOUSE FOR 24 MONTHS

INTEREST RATES HAVE JUST RISEN BY 1% PAY

1000 EXTRA

MISS 2 TURNS

THE PARISH CHANCEL IS IN NEED OF REPAIR AND YOUR HOUSE STANDS UPON LAND SUBJECT TO A PERPETUAL LIABILITY PAY

YOU HAVE HAD TO APPLY FOR YOUR OWN JOB PUT YOUR HOUSE ON THE MARKET

1000

YOU HAVE DECIDED TO MOVE TO LONDON BECAUSE IT’S CHEAPER

GRAB A WAD OF CASH FROM THE BANK AND MAKE A RUN FOR IT TO START A NEW LIFE

GAME OVER

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Dedicated to Those Who Refuse to Pick Up Poo

There is a man, who lives down my lane, I can hardly bare to speak his name. Augustus Magarey Bartholomew Mogg Who owns the worlds most odious dog.

Mogg would of course, extol said dog’s pedigree, When in fact he’s the equivalent of canine kedgeree. Four buckling legs as if stepped on from above and a Concave face only its mother could love.

Every day, in a manner most habitual, Mogg walks his dog to partake of the ritual. With no acknowledgement or recompense It parks its arse against my fence!

Now I’m no scientist believe you me. But surely some facts are plain to see. Obviously this is an over-fed dog Clearly discernible by the size of its’ log!

With chests puffed out they stagger up the lane. While my sphagnum moss will never be the same! My trowel and a bag are the only solution, Enough is enough, I planned retribution.

So as Mogg greets the day with a slovenly yawn, He is met with sight most extraordinary on his lawn. Having decided to pay back the disagreeable Mogg He is shocked to discover I don’t have a dog!

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Christmas Lights? Christmas Shite more like... Well Arabella, Another year, another soulless turd of a light switch on. Who organises this, I mean really?! What on earth was going on with the stalls?! A more random selection of nothing you ouldn’t find on a high street anywhere else in the country!..I can accept the panto cast...at least that’s festive but it literally is the same acts and format every year...and if it’s not?...they are so similar, they may as well be...and don’t get me started on Pants FM or whoever they were... Seriously Bored in Badger Farm Oh dear, oh dear... Somebody most definitely is not full of festive cheer are they! Is the Winchester Christmas Lights Switch On as magical as this city deserves? NO Would it be more at home somewhere like Eastleigh or Southampton? YES The fact of the matter is, my lovely, that when councils/corporate bodies are in charge of entertainment and creativity, it is nearly always going to go wrong lets face it! When you get to my ripe old age though, you see the mess of society right now...I’m just glad somebody has still taken the time to do something nice... even if it is (as you say ) shite

Halloweeklong! I am a mother of two and I just want to know when exactly it was, that Halloween turned into this massive thing which spans an entire week, needs multiple outfits, with parents requiring a Certificate of Excellence in face-painting, and at least a twenty quids’ worth of penny sweets! Exhausted in Weeke

a

This particular “festivity” is one I have no time for at all. Filtered over here from our friends the Americans, it is nothing but a money making teeth-rotting scam. In fact, it is my absolute belief that this Halloween hysteria was likely started by a group of rogue dentists and beauticians preying on people’s insecurities after their Halloween breakouts and inevitable tooth decay! But my opinions don’t help you, do they my lovely? I happen to know that my grandchildren went to four Halloween parties in one day. My poor daughter-in-law was so exhausted, she was slurring her words, staggering and singing Thriller at the top of her voice when she eventually got home at about 11pm. She did manage to say that ‘the glass of wine at Linda’s really helped”. Even though I don’t encourage self medication, it seemed to help in this case.

MAD HATTER! Hi Arabella, I wondered if you could help me? It’s about hats. My wife and four daughters appear to be unable to leave the house without returning having purchased another “winter hat”?? We currently have approximately 15 bobble hats in various colours with all manner of bobbles: woollen, faux fur, real fur, detachable and some have two on for Pete’s sake!? Beanies - apparently, not just a bobble hat without a bobble for when you don’t want to draw attention to yourself (note: we even had to buy 4 for the Albanian Orphan Shoebox a eal as e ouldn’t find any suitable in the house???!) Next we have the deerstalkers. Waxy, ith u inside, u y, not u y, artly u y. ome ith ear a s that come down and some that don’t...I ask you? What is the point of a deerstalker i the a s don’t a do n

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Fur doughnut shaped things that perch around your head like a squirrel making you look like a cross between a Russian spy and Davy Crockett! Berets, at a s, fishing hats or Christ’s sake...FISHING HATS?? Not one o them has e er been fishing in their lives!!! And all additional to the baseball caps, straw hats, sun hats, headbands ith o ers, headbands ith ears and god knows what else left over from summer! I myself am now forced to wear a “Peaky Blinders” monstrosity because apparently “all the Dads have them now.” I really am at my wits end. I’d have steam coming out of my ears if it weren’t for the bloody hat I’m wearing!! Bemused in Teg Down Well, I’m not surprised you’re a bit hot under the collar my lovely! My suggestion is you collect collect up ALL the hats and take them to one of those nice collection points for Calais or wherever it is now. You are never going to be able to break the will of five women with a penchant for millinery! Clear the decks for the next wave I say! Send all your first world problems to Arabella. She’s a nosey old coot with nothing better to do apart from feeding her cats, so she’d love to hear from you. arabella@smugwinchester.com

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“Darling, do we need parmesan for both houses?”


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goop by Tilly Bottom nourish the outer aspect TIPS for Christmas gifting Christmas! Christmas? I hear you say, but we’re middle class here in Winchester. We don’t think about Christmas till we throw up a tree on Christmas Eve festooned with yogurt pot and glitter baubles crafted by our offspring. Now let’s be honest, we all know this festive event takes months of military style planning so in this issue we give you a helping hand and share our gifting tips. A particular favourite is inspired by the highly successful Harvey Nicks “sorry I spent it on myself” campaign, we bring you “a little something from Winchester”! As you know Winchester is rated as one of the most aspirational places to live, so we think a little piece of Winchester gifted to anyone outside the area would be perfect, and it’s a little craft project for you and the children. Find bits of stone or gravel from basically anywhere around Winchester and put them into clear plastic craft bags (see those lovely people at Creative Crafts), tie on a bow in seasonal colours, and stick on a printed label. Voila, anyone one from the north will be absolutely delighted to have their own little piece of Winchester.

SELDOM OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

“I have a real appreciation of life outside of Itchen Valley”

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Signed limited edition giclée prints of front cover artwork

Unframed: £50 Framed: £70 smugwinchester.com

Would you miss us if we were gone? This question is obviously rhetorical as we do not expect to lose your much appreciated readership...but it is a

serious question. So as not dilute SMUG, we do not include adverts in our content pages, leaving our writers free to investigate and satirise without bowing to external pressures, but restricting the revenue we need to print SMUG. A lot of time and hard work (sob, sob, nudge, nudge, wink, wink) goes into producing SMUG and all the contributors do so because we care about our home. If you enjoy SMUG, please help to make its future more secure by donating with glorious abandon to our cause via our website ‘Donate’ button. You’ll get a sound night’s sleep and a clear conscience?*

ADVERTISE in SMUG If you like SMUG and have a business to advertise, we reserve our inside front and back covers for just this. Your business will take centre stage.

NS N S We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, mind games, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns anything, in fact, so long as it ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Send to: editor@smugwinchester.com

For more information and a chat about how to best benefit from the space,

please contact our lovely editor, Lady Wench editor@smugwinchester.com

Thank you.

She’d love to hear from you. *Clear conscious obviously dependent on number and depth of past indiscretions. P.S. We don’t judge, much.

Contributor’s details are withheld from publication unless requested otherwise. If you wish to ensure complete anonymity, please post, unsigned, to SMUG editor, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, Winchester SO23 8SR. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements.

CONTACT SMUG SMUG EDITORIAL Fancy contributing? editor@smugwinchester.com

ORDER NEXT ISSUE OF SMUG Order at: www.smugwinchester.com Enquiries: editor@smugwinchester.com

ART PURCHASE Originals and limited edition prints art@smugwinchester.com

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Your response to anything at all letters@smugwinchester.com

ADVERTISE Page 30 for prices ads@smugwinchester.com

DONATE For information about donating editor@smugwinchester.com

Published by Winchester Film & Art CIC, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, SO23 8SR Printed by Sarsen Press Cover art: SIMON Line Drawings: Kate Arnold Illustrator: jam jam, @naustbakken

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Papier-mâché model of TV chef James Martin’s head. Unwanted after art project. To scale (i.e. Tricky to get through the door). Trevor 07756 64632

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COULD THIS BE YOU To the blonde in the red raincoat in the queue at Boots pharmacy on Friday morning. You looked around to see if anyone noticed you pass wind. We shared a smile. Coffee? Man in green anorak 07744 6738 EXHILARATING I enjoy nights out, nights in, football, cars, cooking, walking on the beach, running for a bus, sleeping, eating, sneezing, breathing. Seeking similarly exhilarating & fascinating woman. Fax 01962 80818 CONFIDENT MAN SEEKING LADY FOR ADVENTURES At museums I’m allowed to touch the art. I once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won. Mosquitoes refuse to bite me, purely out of respect. And my organ donation card lists my beard. Call me. 0774 675633 Looking for love or just a good time. Place your ad here. If you are reading this, he or she probably is too. Send to editor@smugwinchester.com ANIMAL SEANCE sessions coming soon to Winchester! Come along to my animal seance meetings & contact your dearly missed pet. It doesn’t matter what type of pet you had: a horse, pig, dog, at, igeon, e en a gold fish I can put you in contact with them. Please note: your deceased pet may not want to speak to you.

For Sale: Men’s cycling gear. Reason for sale: my 3 year old has taken to calling the purple teletubby “Daddy!!!”. And my wife says I look like a tit.

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ULTIMATE “RETRO” EXPERIENCE NEW “RETRO” CONCEPT in audio technology from Winchester Audio Developments Ltd It’s official - forget CDs, forget vinyl, forget cassette tapes, the wax cylinder is set to make a comeback. Now you can listen to your favourite music as you’ve never heard it before, in glorious low-fi. You can have authentic sound quality as previously enjoyed exclusively by Victorian nobility. Additionally you can purchase your favourite albums which have been analogically re-mastered to produce sound of the highest quality using this new (old) medium.

The Turnip Prize is awarded to individuals, companies and institutions for excelling in any of the following: complacency, incompetence, bullying, promise breaking, lying, cheating, or simply behaving in a plonker-like way. SEND in your nomination NOW, along with a brief description of why you think your nomination merits the Turnip Prize to: editor@smugwinchester.com

Only £122.99 inc VAT. *** Free ear trumpet worth £19:99 with every order *** Every Sunday, outside WHSmith FREE PUPPIES Half Cocker Spaniel Half sneaky neighbour’s dog Sue: 0774334576 Central Winchester Pub LAST IN FIRST OUT As featured on TV Ch5 ‘Hotel Inspector’ 2015 Rooms available £35 a night Under new management & many changes since Alex Polizzi’s parting comment “You can’t polish a turd” Within walking distance to local facilities such as clean showers at the leisure centre.

whatsimonsaid.com SMUG magazine has urgent vacancy for proof-reader. No prospects, no salary, no reward, but opportunity to gloat over others’ mistakes. Apply in person to editor SMUG magazine

SMUG ANGELS You know who you are THANK YOU

To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads £3 per word £15 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1/16 page - £50, 1/8 Page - £80, 1/4 - £150, 1/2 page - £200, Full page standard - £400, Full page inside front/back cover gloss - £450

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s adjective 1. having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one’s achievements. 2. residing in the true capital of God’s kingdom, Wintonia.

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INSIDE

Battle of the Buttercross and the Restoration

PLUS

The SMUG Guide to

POST TRUTH

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Issue.7 2018

thing but

th and every me of the tru

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lly s are not mutua s and real new uch digging we w ne ke fa , se m Of cour ern no matter how s hard to be sure e father of mod , exclusive. Sometimes, it’ th , e’ O nc G A de S vi R ‘e 00 YEA redit the who is Descartes sc di é en or R fy ri y, is ve ph ho right and to so western philo the dictum, I think do hat the ‘truth’ is or to prove w ample, or whether w od, for ex came up with his year, cartoonist and of rvatives, existence of G he T . ng T . ro w ed by the Conse e turn am rn ve g, go bu f m of r hu therefore I w do-science and believe, Winchester is bette our or the Greens. Unless enemy of pseu I ab achieve L to to s, it le d em te ab D da g ib in L ort of be sh ll Alan Shovel, up t. Thus ended the era the fa , hold e ns w io , fanaticism righ e form opin therefore I am n the era of Post Truth. to lute certainty. So, instead, w dgements. ga so ju of Truth and be litical commentator and ab s, embrace beliefs and make rious to po h. If you’re cu ew t’ ut vi tr gh e ai w th tr r ho ‘s fo r us ve ou lls ri e, st te , from fiction, Charles In this issu Still, most of us erentiating fact line twitter us ff h (p.20), Alec of di ut nt Tr at t ce ty r os ili P pe ab of author d that 79 test your own Fake News on survey has foun st Truth era. up our Real or down our twitter feed. ke ta t a recent BBC Po no r hy ou w st scroll doing a ke news in worry about fa BBC could have lied about BBC. challenge @smugw. Ju e e th th , t Of course lying abou Have fun. harles could be Charles’ survey. Alec C put the words into Alec r you to We could have him up altogether. That’s fo e ay t alw s easy mouth, or mad n is that it’s no So, to offer ai rt ce is at th real news. decide. All fake news from s to test to differentiate e are inviting SMUG reader king ta ,w a helping hand fferentiate fact from fiction by di to ty e. ili ng ab lle your Cha l or Fake News UG readers manage the SMUG Rea SM at th te ca indi u (the Results so far That’s half of yo boy e. tim e th of % ad it only about 50 se) who believe that the he acher ur te co a of to , n lf io ha nt r othe give dete n ca ge le ol C ha r an he s, and at Wincheste for less time th d a virtual ol ho sc at en who has be il develope r City Counc brothel. that Wincheste cluded a visit to an ancient in online tour that (One is true.)

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M3 junction 9 ¾ unveiled Highways Albion has begun consultation on plans to upgrade junction 9 on M3 to complete fantasy e

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THE WINCE-WORTHY £12bn rebuild is needed to tackle the long-standing issue of too many people driving too many cars at the same time on the same road. Congestion caused by motorists ‘just passing through’ often sees Winchester drivers backed up as far as Sunbury-onThames. The new junction design will offer drivers the option to drive at 70mph directly at a concrete bridge support and find themselves magically transported into a 1940’s Morris Minor driving across a viaduct en route for Scotland. The proposal will help to reduce congestion by completely removing approximately 60% of drivers from the M3 at the new junction. Through-traffic from the A34 to M27 will therefore benefit from improved safety and enhanced journey times. Subject to a successful consultation outcome, construction could start in 2018 and take around two days to complete.

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NEWS IN BRIEF MAN SUCCESSFULLY orders drink in Alfie’s HAMPSHIRE CHRONICLE denies accusations of journalism TEAM GB SKATER awarded medal for remaining on her feet for whole race M3 USERS advised to start their Monday morning commute no later than Sunday lunchtime

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Highways Albion project manager Harold Spotley said: “Junction 9¾ is a vital interchange between the M3 and A34. With more than 25 million vehicles using the junction each hour during peak times, it can often become a tad bunged up. Our radical design aims to ease the problem significantly.” Asked if the proposals were founded on any kind of established road construction methodology, Spotley replied, “No.” A small biro sketch of the design will be pinned to a lamppost somewhere at some point. The public are invited to scrutinise it and comment by the end of the day.

DOG MESS SIGHTINGS on the fall – locals look for new witch hunt WINCHESTER STREET MARKET Facebook page gets 2nd ‘like’ of 2018 person responsible hounded from Winchester

Discovery Centre to be re-branded e

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FOLLOWING a competition, the Discovery Centre is to be re-launched with a new name to end the confusion over what exactly it is supposed to be. Competition entries included ‘Information Café’, ‘Data Den’, ‘Knowledge Gallery’, and ‘Booky McBookface’. After much discussion, however, the judges declared the winner to be ‘Library’. A spokeswoman said: “We were looking for a name to reflect the core mission of the organisation – to enable people to read and borrow books – and ‘library’ seemed ideal. It helps that over our main entrance it says ‘PUBLIC LIBRARY’.

“The problem with ‘Discovery Centre’ was the discovery that visitors were disappointed when they discovered the Discovery Centre was basically a library with a few random bits tacked on.” 188

“We did everything we could to disguise it – disrupted the studious and contemplative atmosphere, introduced muted lighting to discourage reading, had people sing loudly in a back room, encouraged people to slop tea and coffee over the Barbara Cartlands – but people always ended up realising that it really is a library with some extra rooms in the back somewhere.” The change of name will be introduced to coincide with the next major building repair works, in other words, within the next couple of years.


Issue.7 2018

smugwinchester.com

Water Garden sale cause of market stall price hike claims trader

5

SMUG editor mystery solved

The beauty spot in Colebrook street created by Sir Peter Smithers or the benefit o the general ubli is no at the entre o a finan ial tug o ar. REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS @smugw

Nick Pick THE RECENT SALE of the 0.1 acre of land to an anonymous buyer has been cited as the cause of a 30% increase in the price of recycled tat sold at Winchester High Street’s antiques and vintage markets, according to Ian Nollock, a travelling marker trader. “The price hike is all because some solicitor decided to put a clawback clause in the sale of that beauty spot which no-one was allowed in,” explains Mr. Nollock. “Because of the clause, if whoever bought the land obtained planning permission, they’d have to pay 30% of ‘uplift’ between whatever they paid for it and what it would be worth with planning permission. “When wind got out about the clause, people outside Winchester selling their family heirlooms to travelling traders like me started to include their own Winchester ‘clawback’ clause. “They argue that our obtaining permission to erect our stalls in Winchester adds at least 30% to the value of the recycled tat we sell.

“Even Winchester mums on Little Pickles have tried to ‘claw back’ money, though they already added 30% uplift because they sold their tat to us in Winchester.”

One divorcee is t i to u e the clause to c c o e from her ex ec u e e c i i e ou e i ie d increased his selfot Public opinion is divided. Mrs. Marshal from Weeke says that it’s all the fault of the estate agents “who add 30% to the real value of Winchester properties anyway.” Mrs. Penworth from Hyde is more than happy to pay the uplift clause. “Why not?” she argued. “Everyone is happy to pay 30% extra in Waitrose, because Waitrose is Waitrose. Well, Winchester is Winchester.”

In the next issue of SMUG — mystery new owner of the Water a de e ea ed 189189

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THE SEARCH for SMUG’s editor has finally been alled o a ter a team of rescuers found her living up her own arse. Lady Wench was reported missing in late , ust a ter the first issue of SMUG was released. She has since ba ed oli e as to her hereabouts. he res ue team onfirmed that or the past year she has been running the magazine from a gloomy, putrid spot in her upper sphincter, where she has managed to survive on a noxious diet of sub-par journalism and human misery. For many of us Lady Wench’s disappearance remained a mystery but interviews with several Wintonians reveal that her colonic residence was no secret to them. “It was blindingly obvious to me,” exclaimed one local. “I’ve read the magazine. It’s full of shit.” “What did you expect?” said another. “She spent so much time trying to heave other people out of their arseholes that she didn’t realise she was sliding into her own.” Despite efforts to pry Lady Wench from her anal tract, rescuers say that she has wedged herself in with no hope of escape. According to some, however, the life of the arse dweller is not all doom and gloom. “It really can be quite comfortable”, explains Winchester College alumnus Jonathan Quince, “I’ve been living up mine for years.”


6

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smugwinchester.com

Issue.7 2018

What it’s worth What it’s worth

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Ze Bumb a

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Vital TopSteer Stats Height Well above everyone else Smugness Yum-Mum Factor Intolerance Bully-factor Bulbousness Intimidation Environmental Impact Trunk Space orses 3 hi dren 2 seen, not heard Nannies 2 - one spare Optional Bespoke Upgrades: ar p ou h d ustab e event seatin Fuel

SLOW WET

Ba e Another point in the ten point plan will involve the creation of fire, which will “’elp drive ze trains with ze steam, no?” said Controllee. This “fire” will be fuelled by all the spare hot air that the company put out, “especially with regard to ze 7:48 to Warterloo.” In addition, the company have released a new record, rapped by ShBrit award-winning crime artist Slowzee. Called Un4seen Circumstances, the track repeats the company motto: “Due to Un4seen weight of traffic in the Wimbledon area, you gonna have to be late for work y’hearea”. The track is available for download now and will also be released on ‘Sheerweight’ 180gr vinyl. M. Controllee called it “ze bumb”. The company also has a new website. Anyone interested in donating to M. Controllee’s bank account can do so at www.slowerailway.com or @ controlleelaughingallthewaytothebank #ripoff.

IN A LANDMARK move today, April 1st, Slow Wet Trains have announced a re-branding. Chef d’Champignon M. Francois Controllee said: “From now on, we are to be known as The Slow Wet Railway”. M. Controllee said the major decision to start running a railway “as opposed to playing with trains” would result in “enormee customer satisfaction”. He declared that a ten-point plan for new “customer gains” would commence with “new, rounder, wheels on all trains”. M. Controllee was wistful as he further said, “Zeese specially round wheels will result in a smooth ride, not unlike taking a bath in hot caramel. Ze customer will be transported in mind, body and spirit to a land of melted chocolate and clouds made of ze cuckoo”. Of course, the luxurious ride provided by the new wheels will result in a “small expense donation of no more than, say 5%, to our R & D dept. and Xmas buffet”, but given the luxury caramel ride, customers will regard “zis as an expense worth ‘aving”. Unfortunately, the round wheels are not for all. “In ze first class, zey will ‘ave ze round wheels, bien sur. The rest of the train will ‘ave ze traditional squareish round wheels, which will get you to Woking, and zen you ‘ave to change to a ‘orse and cart, no?”

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rban 1mp E tra rban 2mp ombined 1.5mp Combined CO2 Emissions ab. onditions 438 in hester oin east on res ord road Fuel Tank Capacity (in trailer)

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Issue.7 2018

WORLD

‘Fake’ Kingdom paves way for birth of ‘real’ republic Following the 2017 WEXIT referendum in which Wintonians voted to leave the UK, the victorious Wintonian Independent Secessionist Party is on ronted ith its first ma or oliti al hallenge rom a rebel state that refuses to succumb to the absurd.

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS ea d

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Disputed territories te SMUG INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS CORRESPONDENT

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OLLOWING the reported landslide victory of the Wintonian Independent Secessionist Party (WISPa) in the 2017 WEXIT referendum, no sooner had the victorious party leader, Will Savage, declared Wintonia a sovereign state independent of the UK, than a rebel state calling itself the Studio Republic declared itself a nation independent of Wintonia. The so-called Studio Republic is located in the old St Bartholomew Ward and is home to a population of around 15 ‘geeks’ (or ethically minded digital professionals, as they like to call themselves). Geeks eke out a living by developing and maintaining virtual worlds. The Republic acts as a neutral meeting place for Winchester Creatives (First Tuesday of the month, with pizza, beer and snacks). Many Wintonians, including some SMUG readers, believe that both declarations of independence are a satirical prank. However, “international law contains no prohibition of independence” that is not instigated by third party

military intervention, so, in fact...

t ec i o t e e i do i to i dt e Studio e u ic e iti te

ot o e e

Wintonia’s claim rests on the legitimacy of the 2017 WEXIT referendum, similar to the 2014 Scottish referendum on independence. The Studio Republic’s claim rests on their application of the national sovereign model that enables a territory to declare itself independent by simply refusing to secede from a country it does not recognize exists - in this case, Wintonia1. Both territories justify their claims for secession on the grounds that they are threatened minority cultures. Wintonia argues that its ‘unique and unrivalled smugness’ is being threatened by migrants from Eastleigh and Basingstoke “who don’t even know the difference between a Chorister and a Quirister ”. The Studio Republic argues that the unrivalled techiness of the ‘geek’ is being threatened by Wintonian ‘fuddyduddies’ who refuse to embrace anything invented beyond the reign of King Alfred. While it is unlikely that the two nation states will compete against each other in 1. It makes sense once you navigate the double negative.

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the Olympic Games any time soon, the war of words has already begun. The defiant representative of the Studio Republic says, “Let’s be serious for a moment. Anyone who was actually aware of the WEXIT referendum, which amounts to a few readers of SMUG, knows perfectly well that it was a satirical publicity stunt aimed to draw attention to the escalating rise of nationalism in the UK and to Winchester’s ‘bubble mentality’ belief that their glorious past means they don’t need a future. “Okay, so a few deluded Wintonians actually failed to realise the referendum was a hoax, and those who actually voted on Twitter may have given Wexiteers an 80% majority, but that’s still probably only about 15 people. Hardly the landslide claimed by the phantom that is Savage. It’s simply all a load of bull. The saddest thing is that we are actually talking about it. Our declaration of independence is a refusal to succumb to all this absurdity and fake news.

We exist for all those o t i e to e e d authentic. “And if anyone wants proof that we exist, visit our website: www.studiorepublic. com. “Our borders are always open.”


Issue.7 2018

The equally defiant leader of the WISPa, Will Savage, retorted with, “Let me get this straight...a gaggle of geeks who spend their time making up virtual worlds and playing ping-pong are postulating about reality. For pity’s sake, they are responsible for the Green Party’s website, which tells you a thing or two about their grasp of real life. “Yes, it may seem like a lovely idea to act out the fantasy of an alternative reality by painting an invisible border around an office, scribbling down a constitution on a cereal box and colouring in a flag - I YOU ARE 9 YEARS OLD! But I, like everyone else with a modicum of good sense, am a responsible adult who forms part of a wider community that happens to be a democracy in which the minority accepts the will of the majority. “Wintonia is the consequence of a legal and fair referendum, validated by Westminster by their not refusing to acknowledge Wintonia, unless anyone has heard differently. “Yes, there will always be detractors, dissidents and hippy idealists, but what they really amount to are spoilt, naive, disrespectful children reacting to not getting what they want by throwing a temper tantrum, charging into their room, slamming the door and vowing never to come out - exactly what the Studio Republic is doing. “But as any good parent knows,...

...deprive them of S eddie di d e ect icit to u t ei St tio dt e oo e c i out it t ei t i et ee t ei e “Why? Because they are children living in a fantasy world. We are adults living in the real world.” In response to Savage’s accusations of child-play, the Studio Republic tweeted the following statement: “On 20th October 2018, we’ll see who is crawling.”

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Wintonia

Studio Republic

Kingdom of Wintonia

‘Real’ Studio Republic

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Disputed Claimed by the United Kingdom. Seeking to be recognized by Kingdom of Hayon-Wye and the United States of America

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S POST UNITED KINGDOM Also in the next issue of SMUG, T as part of our ‘straight’ Post Now R series, political commentator A I Margaret Eves explores which G territories are likely to secede in H the next 10 years. T

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Issue.7 2018

“For ours is a city on the e e aa a e HE BLESSED burghers of Wintonia are beset on all sides. TThere are those who suggest that our fair

city, with its low levels of unemployment and high standards of living, its gorgeous architecture and landscapes, its rich heritage and culture, its charming bars and safe streets, is a pretty decent place to live. Those people would be wrong. For ours is a city on the verge of social apocalypse. One needs only, in these digitally enlightened days, to explore the burgeoning public sphere of social media to appreciate that. The good folk of Facebook’s ‘We Are Winchester’ page, for example, squeal their heart-rending pleas for rat-catchers, plumbers, cabinet-makers, kennels, catteries, make-up artists, cleaners and someone to do their ironing, as they wonder wistfully whether they might be wiser to change their group’s name to ‘We Are Not Eastleigh’ on the not unreasonable grounds that a decent dose of cultural apartheid might offer a substantial boost to property prices. These entry-level gentry agonise over their problems with their rats, their plumbing, and having to shop at IKEA, to care for their pets and to do their own make-up, cleaning and ironing, as they continue, with the heroic perseverance of seekers of the grail, to quest in search of the very finest organic beers, craft beans and artisanal beads. Meanwhile, by contrast, Facebook’s ‘Winchester Rants’ page regales readers with tales of the trials of life in this urban jungle as gentle locals are obliged, as they go about their lawful business, to run the gauntlet of broken bollards, dog shit, parking permits, parking penalties, poor parkers, lorry drivers, van drivers, drivers using sat navs, middle lane drivers, night-time drivers, night-time chainsaw users, skirting-board motorjousting (yes, that’s a thing), dog shit, broom thieves, bicycle thieves, cyclists, councillors, students, millennials, refugees, dog shit, chatty shoppers, slow shoppers, vomiting shoppers, dog shit, potholes, manholes, hedges, Royal Mail, Keith Lemon, Jeremy Corbyn, the threat of a Travelodge, dog shit, unisex toilets, superglue, dog shit, dog shit, dog shit, trees, Facebook groups, Facebook users,

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“stupid vegan action groups”, “bloody vegan protests” and more and more dog shit in a world so arse-about-tit crazy that disabled people have started to dare to claim their so-called legal rights: “if she’s deaf, she probably doesn’t have a job … selfish cow.” That’s just a modest selection of the gamut of understandable complaints which assailed the platform in January alone. or the most magnificent Wintonian gripery, however, the intrepid thrill-seeker must venture into the dim and perilous reaches of the lower half of the Hampshire Chronicle website: the dismal realm of its regular readers’ comments. During January 2018 the Chronicle featured a series of ground-breaking local scoops. A story (on 21 January) on the theft of a bottle of vodka from a branch of Marks & Spencer inspired Chronicle readers to debate the socio-economic spirals of addiction, deprivation and crime which underpinned this tragedy: “That’s not a photograph of M&S Winchester…” “Yes it is a photo of M&S, you div!

On 11 January, a report of a man caught flashing at a local nature reserve triggered the Delphic response: “Maybe the nature reserve should have laughed.” A week later an account of a flasher who exposed himself to a woman out on a run inspired the erudite “Dogger meets jogger?” Readers’ anxieties often focus, as they should in a vibrant democracy, on the impact of local government actions upon the grand matter of social justice and environmental sustainability. On 16 January, for example, plans for a new leisure centre provoked concerns over the design of the squash courts: “Whoever came up with those does not play squash.” News on 5 January of the county council’s purchase of electric cars inflamed an epic conflict between a former temporary council worker and an individual they’d dubbed a “pedantic dullard that needs to get a life, rather than spending your time inspecting other people’s comments on a news website for errors so that you can make bitchy comments to make yourself feel superior.” A car crash a week later reignited angry exchanges between the same antagonists when, amidst accusations of drunk driving, the “former temp” accused the “keyboard warrior” of an obsession with “trawling websites searching out people that you can attempt to belittle to increase your own feeling of self-worth.” An announcement the same day of a planned upgrade to a nearby motorway junction prompted one reader to predict “carnage”. Possibly so, if the eternal feud between the pedant and the temp were to climax in a game of chicken at junction nine, like some twisted suburban hybrid of The Fast and the Furious and Abigail’s Party. Indeed this spectacular confrontation might perhaps instigate, in this city of noble tradition, the tradition of a new noble sport – a battle royale, if you like – in which, one fine day, our whole great host of esteemed ranters, pedants, Wexiteers and Remoaners might be encouraged to come together to participate. In that event, I’d not be averse to raising a cudgel myself.

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Dear Reader, WE WELCOME comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (max 200 words) at editor@smugwinchester.com We also warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, pieces of investigative journalism, features or columns - so long as it provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Straight pieces are also welcome, accompanied with verifiable evidence. Contributors’ details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements. Your reward: Catharsis Thank you.

Issue.7 2018

Public urged not to donate to buskers

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS @smugw

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS Can you tell the difference?

TEST your ability to tell the difference between real news and fake news. Just scroll down our twitter feed for the Real of Fake News polls. Oh, and don’t trust your brain. Brains are lazy. To avoid being overwhelmed they tend to focus on certain details, ignoring stuff that doesn’t fit with what you believe, while embracing stuff that reinforces what you think you already know, confirms your suspicions or appeals to your hopes. Good luck!

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THE LATEST guidelines from a county-wide consultation are in, with charities urging pedestrians to think twice before giving money to performers on the street. Choral singers, steel drum bands, and old-fashioned rockers have long been a familiar sight on Winchester’s high street, adding to the city’s tapestry of rich and olour ul ulture. But as unds o from the public’s purses into the coffers of unlicensed musicians, many are wondering whether these well-intentioned donations actually do any good in the long term. The current consensus is that giving money simply restricts the musicians’ opportunities for employment, leading them to believe a career in the arts can be either ulfilling or finan ially iable. Countless guitar-wielding heartthrobs and violin recitalists are currently taking to the streets in the

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name of their music, looking for a fi ’ they laim only li elong mastery of an art form can give them – caught in a cruel cycle of practice, practice and practice. Thankfully, the tide seems set to turn, as Pump Court Chambers and a host o legal and finan ial bodies stepped in to offer work placements to the misled youths. Explains one representative, “It’s easy to oint fingers hen ordinary people have been led astray by being told to follow their dreams instead of becoming productive members of society. But...

e e to do what we can to set them o t e i t t “Think of how much happier Adele, Stormzy, or Elton John would be i they’d oined a onsultan y firm straight out of school.”


Issue.7 2018

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SHAGGE /sha:g/

£8.99 from the Smug online bookstore. £10 for existing loyal subscribers (well BT do it; so can we)

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Tristan Cnuta, 50, Entrepreneur, “The buses are a bloody nuisance. You can’t squeeze past them, even if I drove a smaller car – and then you have to wait forever for them to pick up all those repellent people with their shopping and snot-nosed kids.”

THE LITTLE BOOK OF

By Bunsen Fordbjorkson Merit Star Books

t do ou t i ot

SHAGGE

Review by Ima Hercock The Danish word shagge is one of those beautiful words that doesn’t directly translate into English, but it more or less means comfort, closeness, unsoberness, enjoyable underneathness, myplaceforcoffeeness, ontopoffness and regret. Author Bunsen Fjordbjorkson, headmistress of Denmark’s Danishrenowned Institute of Common Words We Can Package for the European Market has added a valuable tome to the recent phenomenon of books about words with two g’s from countries that speak their minds more directly than an arrow in a vacuum.

BUNSEN FORDBJORKSON From Danish-renowned Institute of Common Words

The Sunday Times and New York Times bestseller Note: The Danish Shagge is not to be confused ith the de nition proposed in the urbandictionary.com in which Shagge is descriptive of a person who is fat, doesn’t do anything and is useless to the world - a ‘dead-weight’.

The Bookist of Winchester By Lenton Barterhouse Narrowly reporting narrow opinions for narrow-minded people since January 2018 A RECENT announcement from Jack Deter, CEO of Waterstain’s, confirms Winchester residents’ fears that a further five branches of the high street bookseller are to open in the city. Closure of stores including LK Bennett, Shoon, Gourmet Pizza and Froggies has presented an opportunity too good for the literary businessman to ignore.

Cathy Cumome, 19, Mum, “The buses are too expensive, so we walk into town, then we walk home.”

“We all need books that we never finish,” shouted Deter into his phone one day, “You know, cloth-bound hardbacks about the things Scandinavians do with logs, snow and silence. And Winchester has a greater need for this kind of bollocks than any other city on Earth.” Residents and shopkeepers wishing to protest against this booky expansion should write some kind of ironically melancholic novel about their feelings. Probably with a quirky title such as The Bookist of Winchester and a cover in bold oils.

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James Bollinger, 27, Trader, “For the princely sum of £9,000 a year I have the privilege of standing all the way to Canary Wharf, and I only got a million bonus – 3% less than last year.”

Jilly Hockeysticks, 45, Lover of life, “We’re so lucky in Winchester. One can just hop on a train and in no time you’re on the South Bank watching Cumberbatch’s Hamlet at the National, followed by a bite to eat at the Ivy and then home – bingo!”


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d i od Continued from issues 3, 4, 5, 6

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HE BARONS had been meeting weekly to exchange their latest gleanings from their loyal and happily drunken clientele - Bare Foot Dave with gossip gathered from the construction industry and the city council, Northern Jane with news from the county council and arts community, Ed CM just with BBC gossip and Gentleman B with the legal lowdown, news from ‘the House’ and the doings of the aristocracy. They were breakfasting at the Hotel du Vin brasserie and things weren’t looking good. The food was fine, but Dave was maundering on about the Carillion collapse and his loss of revenue on lager and whisky-based lunches. “So now Godlove has three, three, tunnel borers, all bought for one and a half, one and a half, pence! According to the city planning department, it seems they are to be

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placed to sites north, east and west of the city, each pretty much just two miles from the centre. What is that about?” Dave looked round at his fellows. Ed CM was beginning to look excited. “I think I know what he’s planning, but if I’m right…and I usually am, of course… but, if I’m right...

e oi to u e i ou te e i t to ui d u de cit “You know, like Aldgate on the edge of the city – a vast underground network of floors and levels filled with all sorts of outlets, shops and services. A subterranean capitalist paradise … for worker ants! Surely even he couldn’t be so venal, so cynical?” “And what is to happen here on the ground?” asked Gentleman B. “What happens to all the the shops and pubs and restaurants here in the city, if he builds this underground monstrosity. We can’t let it happen.”

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Issue.7 2018

MEANWHILE, over in the offices of the City Council, an army of oompalumpas had been brought in to search the land files for one mile plus around the city centre, in a desperate search for loopholes or contract details that might offer them a way out of granting Godlove planning rights for placement of the tunnelling machines. The whole of the usual staff in both the legal departments and planning were already earning overtime, searching the city centre files for a let-out on underground development.

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She was in fact feeling decidedly panicked now that they had to explain the emergency to a general council meeting. “How, we must ask, how can this have happened, people?” she asked in a fine display of rhetoric. “Right now, we are looking at a huge underground development, here in wonderful historic Winchester. Apart from all the history they will be digging up, which we can display above ground,


Issue.7 2018

do we actually know anything about this new city that threatens to be born? “And even if it happens...

o u t o ou d e e te ce to o i i e e e t ou d How unutterably unnatural would that be? What of the effect on property values…?” Gentle sobbing prevented her from completing the sentence or the rest of her presentation and she was gently escorted from the Guildhall stage by the PR lady. Before the door had closed behind them, Alana Lovall, from the Cultural Luvvies Trust, burst into the hall waving a piece of paper above his head and shouting ”Any other business…any other business… I have an agenda item…an URGENT item!” He came to a halt in front of the Chair of the Planning Committee. The Leaderene having left the meeting that she had called, meant there was now nobody in charge. In a pregnant pause, Alana swivelled on his heels, astutely perceived himself to be the focus of attention and decided...

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Will the City agree to going back to AD 900? What is Godlove planning and does it have anything to do with the World Heritage Status bid? What have BID to say about the WHS bid? Order the next issue of SMUG now to find out

...now was the time to de i e i e e citi tte i ut e e citi e He took to the podium and, as was his wont, took yet another chair, before announcing: “The trust has recently been apprised of the decision of the World Heritage Site Selection Committee as to the requested status of Winchester to be recognised as without historical parallel and thus a natural and winning World Heritage Status...” In an annoying quiz-TV style, he let the silence stand as he slowly looked at every one of the committee councillors and city officers, before going on “… and it has been agreed!” His audience was slow to respond, but as the cogs churned and wheels began to fly, an uncertain and slightly selfconscious few claps from the crowd soon turned into a wild hullaballoo, with whoops and cries of...‘Up yours York!’ As his audience quieted, Allana stood, index finger pointing heavenward to signify that attention must be paid, and finished his news of the WHS decision by confirming the sole condition of the grant being made. “We just have to return the city to how it was at its historical height, which they have deemed to be A.D. 900.”

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Game o oet et Game Thrones and of of Thrones and Monopoly. Monopoly. This the true This is is the true quest with the quest with the u ti te te i ei e u ti N Ni i Winchester. Winchester.

Issue.7 2018

WINCHESTER’S WINCHESTER’S

THEGAME GAME THE

snadnde e sra krekre opapra o d d atatthth e e s s s*s *p em em p wow o eteete e e f f r mr m t t iwi w t t ai aid d OuOu

details of game to order in next issue of SMUG FullFull details of game andandhowhow to order in next issue of SMUG ps this no bs. a real board game brought to you by Smuggingtons, purveyors of utterly addictive sharply ps this is nois bs. ThisThis is aisreal board game brought to you by Smuggingtons, purveyors of utterly addictive andand sharply satirical board games since 2018 satirical board games since 2018 200


WINCHESTER DISTRICT EDITION Issue.7 2018

VILLAGERS

CHRONICLE

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Long Barn Shopper horrified to find product not containing lavender

THE NEW ABBA

NEXT ISSUE: BINKY 007 smugpress

ISBN:34520592534

Alresford is shite a

e u t t ted outi t e ...said I was an irresponsible owner, lazy and good for nothing…. I said excuse me but he pointed at his shoe and walked off. He’d trodden in some dog mess” James continued, “She was shaken and visibly upset. It took two chocolate brownies and a skinny mocha latte frappuccino for my ifi to get home. The lamb was overcooked and the whole afternoon in tatters…I said, Fiona, sit down and relax while I clean up.

Spring 2018

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AN ALRESFORD family are in recovery after a vicious attack on social media this past weekend, but are not the first to ‘fall foul’ of what is becoming regular trolling by Alresford residents on the popular forum.

...you know before lunch” said Fiona Longbottom, an Alresford resident of 30 years and a regular in Caracoli. “I’d been to Waitrose in the morning, put the lamb in the oven and thought that it would be great if Charles and Tabitha could get some fresh air in their lungs to…you know…build an appetite…” “I called my husband James and we decided to walk along the river to Arlebury Park. It was a lovely day and after throwing the ducks some bread we walked along the path. That’s when it started.” As the Longbottoms entered the bottom of the park, they passed a walker travelling in the opposite direction. Thinking nothing of it they went to climb the hill when a tirade of abuse was hurled at them.

Take a chance on me

Alresford’s inky Bear Alternative

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I couldn’t imagine things could get worse but as I loaded the dishwasher, Fiona started looking on social media… “The next thing I heard was Fiona screaming,

e e ee ed and shamed... ...on the Alresford Facepage! And called all sorts of things by some other resident. I don’t know her, Mrs. Molehill, friends with Ria DeLonghi, you know, from Moda Rosa. “That man from the park said that we should come round to his house and help clean his carpet and then that woman wrote, ‘Don’t tell me, run out of bags, I didn’t see it, it’s public land, blah blah blah. Horrible scum !!’ I can’t see a point where she would have stopped to breathe.” Although the Longbottoms are not alone in this latest spate of attacks on the Alresford Facepage, James Longbottom decided to be positive about this experience and sit his children down to explain not only cyber bullying, but how social media has diluted empathy and responsiveness favouring faceless ranting that people would be too embarrassed to do in person. Charles and Tabitha looked on blankly and replied in unison, “Can we get a dog now?”

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ON A FROSTY Thursday morning Binky Bear readied himself to deliver his leadership challenge speech, choosing to air this for the first time in his home constituency of Alresford. People gathered in Broad Street, which was an encouraging sign. His advisor claimed that “there is a growing support for UKIP in Alresford and the fact that it is pension day, there is a two for one offer at Caracoli and the market opens in 20 minutes is purely coincidental.” Binky began his speech by singing the new UKIP anthem, Take a chance on me.. f you change your mind ’m the rst in Line…Honey I’m Still Free. Then, on a more serious note he made his address. “Take a chance on me. That’s the party line. I’m going on another journey. One that will take me from humble beginnings in Alresford and Winchester to Westminster, via Harrods. I’ve sat back too long and seen our great country still being overrun. I’m going to give you the Bear Facts and not sit on the shelf. I’m a great leader…I recognise similarities between myself and President Trump….. Determination and single mindedness are the way forward, along with a great twitter following. He may have Fire and Fury, but I’m Furry and I aim to Fire all those that are keeping this country in chains.

u We’re going to take back control of our country. I’m fed up with the main party’s insistence of ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’. My manifesto includes a Brexit strategy that hands control back to everyone. I am the People’s Bear.” He then burst into song again. Take a chance on me...Take a chance on me (Come on, give me a break will you?)


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Issue.7 2018

Alpha Mummy Top tips on how to be a winning mum

To the Opera!

Geraldine gave me a buzz later that same week and we arranged to go for a couple of G&Ts at Hotel du Vin to discuss arrangements and to swap horror stories on au pairs - another one of ours has done a bunk back to Germany claiming she had become depressed...

Dress code is black tie which gives me a fabulous excuse to pop into Alresford to Moda Rosa and pick out a dress and jacket. We are being chauffeur-driven so I might also splash out on some new shoes. Last time we went the rush for taxis was ghastly and...

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fter a lovely skiing break in Zermatt and the children back at school, I sat down to plan the diary. I was delighted to receive an invitation from Basil and Geraldine ChappellLacey to attend a performance of Candide at Northington Grange. I’ve always been such a devotee of Voltaire, wonderful chap - if only he were around to steer us through Brexit. ! ! ! £3.50! ! Theresa May could learn a thing or two ! ! ! ! ! from reading Letters on the English. I ! ! ! ! immediately penned a reply thanking ! ! ! ! ! them effusively and accepting. ! ! ! The Chappell-Laceys are avid patrons ! ! ! ! ! of the arts and as such are on the pre! ! ! ! booking booking list for all events ! ! ! ! ! at Northington Park Opera Festival ! ! ! ! as I believe it is now called since the ! ! ! ! ! unfortunate divide. ! ! ! ! Candide was already sold out which ! ! ! ! ! I must confess gave me a frisson of ! ! ! ! excitement at the prospect of dropping it ! AL M AGAZ INE into conversation with Lavinia DaVille at the next Parents Association meeting.

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Basil has taken an individual tent as he always does. Apparently one year I must remember to suggest it when I the marquee was quite overrun with call to book the porter. The box office ladies who had purchased dresses in has a supply of spare bow ties for the Debenhams. Geraldine said that chaps which is just as well for a man who wears brightly since Edith has eaten Piers’ coloured corduroys six favourite. There is no days a week, he seemed rest for the devoted remarkably shocked mummy so I am off to by polyester blend the school to talk to dresses and has never Merlin’s teacher now. quite recovered. There was some upset Obviously we don’t about him declining want our evening the verb “to fuck” in marred in any way Latin class, I’m not 0! .5 so I am glad to hear £3 sure why there has been !! there will be a small !! !! such a commotion really, !! select group of us with the !! his execution was apparently !! !! butler, the second best silver !! !! !! perfect. !! !! and Basil’s great-grandmother’s !! !! !! !! Well, of course it was, he’s my child !! !! ! favourite candelabra to lend some gentle !! !! !! !! after all.! ! ! !! !! !! elegance. !! !! !! !! !! !! !! Geraldine said their chums the ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! Rothchesters were thinking of pre!! !! !! ! ! ! in WINCHESTER BARS ! ! OVERHEARD !! ordering a picnic hamper but as Basil had !! !! !! !! !! pointed out that seems rather lazy when !! !! !! E !! IN !! !! they have a perfectly good cook at home. AZ !! !! AG !! !! M E ! !! “Darling, do! ! ! we ATneed We debated whether to patronise the arts IR !! S !! !! ! ! R’S a little more by purchasing cakes and !! E T houses! ! ! ! for both dogs.” ES champagne there but they are dreadfully CH !! IN !! W !! allergic to poor quality grapes and we ! decided not to risk it. 0

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S M U G

Post Truth Dumb and Dumber

n the se ond o our ost Now series, M ommentator e har es re e ts on a new era.

I

n 2016 Oxford Dictionaries selected ‘post-truth’ as its word of the year. In 2017 Collins Dictionaries chose ‘fake news’. The Washington Post has calculated that Donald Trump told more than 2,000 lies during his first year in office. He retweeted Islamophobic propaganda, invented a Swedish terrorist attack, accused Barack Obama and GCHQ of bugging his phone, and exaggerated the magnitude of his electoral support, inauguration crowd and legislative achievements - and the size of his nuclear button. He also accused the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN and BBC of peddling fake news, and claimed to have coined the word ‘fake’: “I think one of the greatest of all terms I’ve come up with is ‘fake’. I guess other people have used it, perhaps, over the years, but I’ve never noticed it.” In the depthless and disposable presentism of Trump’s populist politics, truth appears a perennial casualty.

His and his allies’ use of social media to disseminate questionable perspectives unfettered by journalistic scrutiny underpinned Trump’s electoral success. “Without the tweets I wouldn’t be here,” he declared. “I don’t have to go to the fake media.” Twitter co-founder Evan Williams has described Trump’s election as symptomatic of a more general malaise: “The quality of the information we consume is limiting people’s respect for truth. That’s what’s making us all dumber.” Even as Britain’s Foreign Secretary repeats his discredited claims as to the fiscal benefits of Brexit, a recent BBC survey has found that 79 per cent of us worry about fake news. Parliament has convened an inquiry into its influence. The OECD recommends school curricula include its study. The BBC, Facebook and YouTube have launched schemes to help people differentiate facts from falsehoods. Wikipedia’s founder is developing a platform to promote accredited journalism. Google has hired 10,000 contractors to address the problem.

From Russia with love

But it seems that not all international efforts are focused upon dispelling the lies. Evidence suggests that one world power itself is partly responsible for the tsunamis of fake news aimed at destabilizing western democracies.

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Britain’s Prime Minister and Defence Secretary have both accused the Russian government of “weaponising misinformation”. In January the UK government established a national security unit tasked with combating fake news. The British Electoral Commission and the U.S. Congress are investigating Moscow’s uses of social media to promote both Brexit and Trump’s election. The Atlantic Council has called the evidence of such interference “incontrovertible”. Russian Twitterbots tweeted Brexit interventions from more than 13,000 accounts. Vladimir Putin doubtless anticipates the disruptive potential of Indyref2 with eager glee. (He may even have a hand in Wexit.) Facebook has revealed that 126 million Americans were exposed to such Russian content over the last two years, including claims that Hillary Clinton had an affair with Yoko Ono and hosted a visit by Osama Bin Laden to the White House. Senate Intelligence Committee member Mark Warner has described Russia as seeking to hijack American democracy. Donald Trump, however, has tweeted that reports of Russian involvement in his election represent...

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21 Issue.7 2018

Power to the People

Last June, former FBI director James Comey told the Senate Intelligence Committee that Trump’s administration told “lies, plain and simple.” In December, Comey posted that “three things cannot be long hidden: the sun; the moon; and the truth.” For, as Comey suggests, such lies tend eventually to be exposed by the internet’s volunteer army of armchair auditors, those brilliant, fact-checking sceptics and pedants who use the web to speak truth to the leviathan of power, relentless insects chivvying away at the dinosaur’s hide. These citizen scrutineers have revealed a photo of young Conservatives to be of a group of Australian students, a Tory image of “the road to a stronger economy” as a road in Germany, Chinese footage of a new fighter plane as containing shots from Top Gun, an Iranian picture of a new fighter plane as a plastic model, and a North Korean image of a beach landing as photoshopped to exaggerate Kim’s stock of hovercrafts. They’ve even rubbished Russian media claims that the Vladimir Putin calendar 2018 “sold out in a few hours” in the UK.

Twitter Twatters

They’ve ridiculed that ISIS tweet which threatened to toss gay Italians off a “leaning tower of pizza” and those UKIP activists who’ve tweeted that Muslims are “devil’s kids”, Islam an “evil cult” and homosexuality an “abomination before god” (though one assumes it may be acceptable after church).

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Issue.7 2018 21

They’ve mocked Trump’s penchant for ‘covfefe’ and shown him how American Muslims serve their nation as soldiers, doctors and police officers. Just as they’ve scoffed at David Cameron’s porcine indiscretion, they’ve trolled Trump’s alleged involvement in a bizarrely golden version of a honey trap: “Tinkle Tailor Soldier Spy… Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Tsar… Please rain on his parade.”

What is truth?

These global netizens exploit these memes and myths because, in an age in which truth seems so compromised that our last surviving facts are denounced as false by the President of Lies, we may find in them a more enduring truth, Truth with a capital ‘T’. In his celebration of satire, the Russian philosopher Mikhail Bakhtin observed that...

e ti e o u te e t e de e t o o e o t t o e e d e t ict In a world after truth, such satire deploys those very social media tools abused by antisocial populists to promote strategies of liberation from their lies. This publication itself blurs the boundaries of fact and fiction. That, after all, is the privilege of satire, a strategy of absurd distortion aimed against such deserving targets as corrupt politicians, greedy financiers, the gorgeous glitterati of Wintonia and even, some might say, ourselves.

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Yet when satire’s caricatures of truth are instead used by the rich and powerful (the likes of Trump, Putin and Johnson) against the powerless and the dispossessed, isn’t it time for the people to reclaim these instruments as tools not of mass manipulation but of mass empowerment?

REAL NEWS OR

NEWS

Man widowed a ter oat wi e ho es to death at si e o sma hi d ound in a ney nternet E p orer users have be ow-avera e s UKIP councillor says emainers shou d be i ed 50- oot rab ur in in waters of Whitstable ra - ra ed s uirre s terrori e outh ondon eena e orbyn s uashed rabbit with po o sti

rump eeds sh, winds up pourin entire bo o ood into oi pond Challenge yourself by taking part in our SMUG polls @SmugW


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S T R A I G H T S M U G

Battleofofthe the Battle Buttercross Buttercross

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R A I G H T S M U G

andthe therestoration restoration and e o i ci e c te e te o o e ee e o o t et eeoeoe o e eee ee o edi io i io o o i ci e c te e te utuutu e e ie i i it t o o ed e e it it oteote t t ouou c ic i o oSi Sie e i it et eec ec St St tiotio Approach and Barton Farm. Approach and Barton Farm. edito d d e c e c deci S S edito t et eueue tiotio deci i ei e e outcoe oe o ic ic i i i i tt ett e outout to toe e ouou t tt et outco e ee e

gaggleof ofWintonians Wintonians TheThe If Ifso, so,anyanygaggle exact assumed ‘Royal exact datedate thisthis assumed ‘Royal congregatingon onthe thesteps stepsof ofthe the Alliance’ congregating Alliance’ could have formed is anyone’s could have formed is anyone’s Buttercross is unlikely to be rebellious guess, Buttercross is unlikely to be rebellious guess, event could certainly have but but oneone event could certainly have ad ad e e protesters, a few random youths triggered protesters, but but a few random youths triggered a few hypothetical royalist a few hypothetical royalist from estates, oblivious to the pending conversations from the the estates, oblivious to the pending conversations – the announcement – the announcement in in restoration. 2014 by the University of Winchester 2014 by the University of Winchester of of f the good people at Hampshirerestoration. f the good people at Hampshire Spearheading hypothetical ‘king’s the the thisthis hypothetical ‘king’s discovery of their King’s remains. discovery of their King’s remains. Records making Records OffiOffi ce ce are are not not making up up Spearheading army’ is the Hampshire Cultural Trust, Okay, is the Hampshire Cultural Trust, Okay, so...so... history, in 1770 a crowd rebelarmy’ history, in 1770 a crowd of of rebel stewards of the Great King’s cultural of the Great King’s cultural Wintonians rioted on the steps of thestewards Wintonians rioted on the steps of the legacy, entrusted to them by the entrusted to them by the Buttercross to save it from the clutcheslegacy, Buttercross to save it from the clutches County Councils. andand County Councils. of Mr. Dummer, a landowner of Mr. Dummer, a landowner whowhoCityCity Alliedwithwiththem themis is purchased it from Pavement Allied hadhad purchased it from the the Pavement Hyde900,guardians guardiansof of Commissioners because thought Commissioners because he he thought it it Hyde900, Hyde Abbey, king’s Abbey, the the king’s might quite estate. might looklook quite nicenice on on his his estate. TheThe Hyde resting place, place, a victory people. riotriot waswas a victory for for the the people. TheThe finalfinal resting EnglishProject, Project, Buttercross survived King Henry TheTheEnglish Buttercross hadhad survived King Henry of his but but thatthat of his sonson or or chroniclers of of the the VIII’s Dissolution Cromwell’s VIII’s Dissolution andand Cromwell’s civilcivil chroniclers nephew, is was nephew, but but is was an an king’s language, Anglolanguage, Anglopeople of Winchester weren’t king’s war.war. TheThe people of Winchester weren’t Anglo-Saxon’s. in the Anglo-Saxon’s. AndAnd in the SaxonandandWinchester Winchester going to lose Winchester’s heart to the Saxon going to lose Winchester’s heart to the same Hampshire same yearyear the the Hampshire Excavations Committee, Committee, Excavations acquisitive power a lowly esquire. acquisitive power of aoflowly esquire. Cultural Trust Cultural Trust waswas bornborn out out responsible for for Biddle’s Biddle’s 2018, a second Battle In In 2018, is ais second Battle of of the the responsible of loins the loins of Hampshire County of the of Hampshire County Atlas of Winchester project, of Winchester project, the the Buttercross being fought? Only, rather Atlas Buttercross being fought? Only, rather Council Winchester Council, and and Winchester CityCity Council, University of Winchester, home to the Council of Winchester, home to the a single aristocrat seeking to remove University thanthan a single aristocrat seeking to remove entrusted stewardship entrusted withwith the the stewardship of of previous Winchester Cathedral, andand two,two, andand Winchester Cathedral, people’s monument, might the the people’s monument, the the might of aof a previous Hampshire’s cultural heritage, including cultural heritage, including representative of the King’s church. of the King’s church. ForFor Hampshire’s ‘king’s army’ seeks to place a symbolic representative ‘king’s army’ seeks to place a symbolic million objects of historical cultural million objects of historical andand cultural of brevity, affectionately 2.5 2.5 sakesake of brevity, let’slet’s affectionately crown upon it and reinstate Winchester crown upon it and reinstate Winchester as as the the signifi cance. signifi cance. them ‘Royal Alliance’. callcall them the the ‘Royal Alliance’. a Royal City? a Royal City?

II

t e t ee ice ic o eoi e uei tioue tio ot eot ee et ee t that of Alfred... of Alfred...

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The Contemporaries

In the same year, to restore balance perhaps, the City Council launched an ‘innovative and dynamic’ five year plan to establish Winchester as a ‘vibrant’ centre of contemporary culture and creative enterprise. Responsible for leading the new ‘Cultural Strategy’ are the University of Winchester, the Winchester School of Art and Winchester City Council. Let’s call them the Contemporaries.

e t e o ee i di et ic opposed i ce ee i to shape i c e te future.

et

One ‘alliance’ seeks to build on the past. The other to build a cauldron in which creatives can forge an ‘innovative and dynamic’ future. Their potential prize - land upon which to build their visions. Land up for grabs includes Silver Hill, where stands the statue of the Great King himself, the Rec, in spitting distance of Hyde Abbey, and the Station Approach. Of course, the prospect of land and the development of new buildings meant new players entered the fray - land owners, land developers, master planners, conscientious residents and local pressure groups.

Would Winchester it ou ci e e to e oti te outco e o

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And the demonstrators won. Henderson’s vision of Silver Hill was derailed by a Judicial review and the leader of the City Council, Rob Humby, resigned because he felt he no longer had the support of his colleagues, though (interestingly) he has since been reinstated as deputy leader. There were casualties for the people’s army too. The City Council ‘in order to stop the situation escalating’ suspended rebel councillor and leader of the Winchester Deserves Better campaign, Kim Gottlieb, from the Cabinet Committee tasked with coming up with a new vision for Silver Hill – newly named Central Winchester Regeneration Area, for which Cllr Humby is now again a Cabinet member. Then it all got personal, with accusations of bullying, and Gottlieb buying a chunk of land in Silver Hill (St Clement’s Surgery) ‘to protect the site from a rehash of the Henderson proposal’. Still, the Battle of Silver Hill was...

icto o c e new visions.

d

Still, it wasn’t change enough for the ‘non-political’‘non-party’ political party the Winchester Independents, who blew in on a ‘wind of change’ during the 2016 local elections. For the Independents the ‘corrosive and divisive nature of national party politics has no place in local government’. They wanted to shift the control of local decision-making

Well, no. There was a rebellion. At the end of the same year the people of Winchester took exception to the City Council’s perceived lack of transparency about the rehashed plans for Silver Hill by the developers Henderson - plans with more shops and fewer homes and, most contentiously, no affordable housing. Demonstrators brought the city to a standstill, waving placards denouncing councillors as ‘arrogant’ and urging the council ‘to serve, not to rule’. The rebellion culminated at the Guildhall, with chants of ‘Heritage not Henderson’, ‘Winchester needs Vision’ and ‘We Want Change.’

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over to fresh-thinking, independent minded local people, i.e., themselves. Change would be ‘real’ change and their vision would be a ‘new’ vision that ‘ensures proper planning that is respectful of our city’s heritage, expertly managed and supported by the community’. Power would be returned to the people. Okay, they didn’t win any seats. But the case for a historic Winchester had another set of supporters. It was the perfect time for the Royal Alliance to strike. And strike it did with the Hampshire Cultural Trust’s announcement of their plans to bid for World Heritage Status. They wanted Winchester to join the ranks of the Taj Mahal, the Grand Canyon and the Great Barrier Reef. To secure the prestigious title, they would use the ‘walled city’ of Winchester’s history, highlighting the period between 870 and 1170 (that King again). All that was needed was...

u o e ui t u eu co i ed perhaps with a music ce d t e t e Had the chamber music festival and the Theatre Royal joined the Alliance? Possible sites for their museum: Silver Hill, the car park off Colebrook Street, Station Approach and River Park. With public opinion firmly in favour of a historic Winchester and a potential budget of £1.1m to develop its ideas, how could the Royal Alliance fail?


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Okay, the chances of Winchester being granted World Heritage Status by UNESCO are pretty slim. But the mere idea of it would surely galvanise Winchester’s philanthropic investors into backing plans to achieve such a prestigious accolade. For example, the building of an Anglo-Saxon museum and an English Language museum.

In 2017 the Royal Alliance struck again with a one-day symposium entitled Winchester, A Nation Emerges, the first public event of Winchester, The Royal City project. The Royal City project group is comprised of The Hampshire Cultural Trust, Hyde 900, The English Project, The University of Winchester, Winchester Cathedral, Winchester Excavations Committee, Hampshire County Council and Winchester City Council. While a ‘Royal’ Winchester seems a matter of time, there are rumblings of a revolt from within the Cultural Trust, sparked perhaps by the imminent 10% cut in staff. A number of significant trustees have already resigned, though I do not know on what grounds, and an anonymous email has been sent to members of the County Council depicting the Trust’s C.E.O, Janet Owen, as the Grim Reaper.

The Trust’s Chair of Trustees, Alan Lovell, is, or was, a non-executive director on the board of Carillion. It probably doesn’t help that farcical rumours are also being spread about the consequences of a royalist victory. They include that...

e e e ad e a e a e a e a e ee a d a d That there will be a return of the stocks (never actually abolished, apparently) as punishment for petty criminals. That Winchester will become one huge trinket shop (an extension, in other words, of the City Museum) with the homeless obliged to dress as peasants to give visitors a more genuine experience. Whoever is behind the blatant ‘fearmongering’ seems to be offering no alternative vision for Winchester. Anyway, fake news and a few staff cuts are unlikely to stop the restoration.

So

t o

Are we on the brink of a new era? Is it one of change and a new vision as people demand? Well, the City Council certainly seems to have begun ‘listening to the people’ by conducting public consultations about their new visions for Winchester that are so transparent we can almost see through them. The new vision for Silver Hill, developed by master planners JTP, has been widely accepted, even by Gottlieb, it seems. Still, questions and uncertainties remain.

Issue.7 2018

Will the new vision for the Station Approach proposed by LDS be accepted by the people or prompt another rebellion? What will become of the Discovery Centre and the Theatre Royal? Will they be joined, as is rumoured? And what about the Hampshire Records Office, with its potential to be Winchester’s very own Pompidou Centre? And what of Winchester’s Cultural Strategy and the Leadership Group tasked with creating a cauldron for innovative creatives to forge an exciting new future? Do they have a plan? What is it? Does the Hampshire Cultural Trust have any responsibility for supporting it? After all...

t e u t co e ue include a promise to e e d e citi and “a champion of new ide t t i de i e e c e And what role will the University of Winchester play, sitting as it does in both the ‘Contemporary’ and the ‘Royal’ camps? Will the ‘Royal Alliance’ succeed in symbolically placing the crown atop the people’s monument? Who will be steward of the new Royal City? Where will the Royal Alliance build its museums, galleries and music halls? And who will they ally themselves with? A visionary Contemporary or two, perhaps, to restore balance? Or is that too exciting and unsettling for Winchester? Have your say.

S f you d li e to offer an opinion corrections or any missing pieces to this story, please send as a letter to the editor to: edito

u

i c e te co

A selection of responses (max 200 words each) will be published in the next issue of SMUG.

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Issue.7 2018

SORRY, I

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DO THIS

e se ea h ard on y on e. o preserve order and harmony in the universe, pass the ard on to whoever you show it to.

GET OUT OF JAIL FREE ards or rea i e.

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This card entitles the bearer to miss their turn for buying a round of drinks without anyone passing judgement or referring to it ever again.

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Winchester’s exciting new landmark residence i i ot t od it de

o e t i cie t cit u d o e ette to ou ed t i d ce et ee d e ei u u ed it e e ode co e ie ce o tude t it e o

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Dear Arabella, With Christmas now behind us I’m wondering how you feel about the extreme differences in TV advertising before and after Christmas? Before it’s all “treat yourself” “indulge!” “Eat this, drink that” “spend, spend spend”...and after?...well; “if your having problems with debt call us”, “feeling bad about your weight? Buy this video, join this gym, eat this food”. Where does it end, will we in fact consume ourselves?! F*#%ed off in Fullfood. Well, while the language may be more colourful than I’d like, I completely understand and agree with you my dear.

The way that the marketing machine teases and taunts us into thinking we need all these things is relentless. No sooner has the wrapping from Christmas been picked off the floor, alentine cards appear making people feel either loved or lonely. Then Easter Eggs are on the shelves with children everywhere harassing parents about which egg they would like. Then it’s the “summer’s here” campaigns leaving women across the country dreading swimsuit season... There will always be something to sell, people paid to sell it and Joe Public to buy it. As sure as death and taxes it will continue. I won’t be persuaded to buy anything I don’t need, nor will I feel bad about myself or my purchases.As I said to my husband, “This nutribullet was something I wanted” and therefore it was a necessity.

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Dear Arabella, I’m not sure which I loath the most, the runners or their “activewear”.. What are your thoughts? Couch Potato in Compton. Well this is easy for me my lovely. It’s the runners. While it’s not all runners that I shamefully admit I’d like to trip up; no, just the ones who refuse to break their stride regardless of the obstacles in their path! I watched a man hurdle a toddler outside a nursery the other day, I mean really, what was he thinking?! How could a personal best around the leisure centre be more important than possible harm to a child?! I myself had my shoulder barged by a lady (no heavier than a string bean fortunately) but that’s not the point. Runners, take note. The pavement is for pedestrians to avoid things traveling at speed or they may as well walk on the road! As far as the active-wear goes, I see more in the coffee shops and supermarket than I do on people being active.

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Dear Arabella, With so many unwanted pets in this world, why are we now breeding “fashionable” dogs?! ashionable dogs that fit in bags, have ridiculous names, don’t moult and are hypoallergenic for God’s sake? Why, Why, Why??? Aggravated in Alton Yes, it does seem rather “a thing” at the moment doesn’t it...that and House Cats? Some of these poor mites are also suffering for our whims too. Cava-poos, Cocoa-poos, labradoodles ...I do believe that eventually, for our ever growing demands, they’ll breed something that doesn’t even resemble a pet; something that doesn’t require walking, feeding or even need to poop!! I think...

a ad e ad a

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...and all the responsibilities and inconveniences that come with it. Enjoy them, and the hair on your clothes.

S

Send all your first world problems to Arabella. She’s a nosey old coot with nothing better to do than feeding her cats, so she’d love to hear from you. editor@smugwinchester.com

OVERHEARD in WINCHESTER

...we as on as on y eat a e and uinoa or the ne t our days my deto wi be inished ear y and an o out on aturday. 211211


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WintoniaForeignOffice @WintoniaDiplo Travel advisory: Wintonians travelling abroad should exercise a high degree of empathy. Be nice, don’t gloat, give hugs, buy rounds of hot chocolate. Just imagine how you would feel if you lived anywhere else. #Wintonia @WillS @Wintoniansabroad @WintoniaBot

Simply apply PHARTON BALM and within a few short weeks symptoms will be gone from the affected area!

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To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads £3 per word £15 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1/16 page - £50, 1/8 Page - £80, 1/4 - £150, 1/2 page - £175, Full page standard - £300, Full page inside front/back cover gloss - £350

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S.M.U.G. Seditious Malicious Underhanded Gutter-journalism

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Issue 8

£3.50 at least

Your brown paper bag, under the counter mag

NEW

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St Cross Word

INSIDE ime!

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PLUS

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Issue.8 2018

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New names from Stagecoach

Issue.8 2018

NEWS IN BRIEF OMISSION of Cathedral’s ‘fancy dress’ pageant from Hat Fair programme leaves tourists confused.

with new generation of new generation buses. Beemer Bigend SMUG travel correspondent STAGECOACH has announced a new generation of buses to replace the last new generation of buses. This comes following a survey which identified passengers’ most requested improvements as ‘buses keeping to timetables’ and the ‘introduction of air conditioning and spring suspension’. A spokesman said:

“We have carefully studied the results of the survey and after much deliberation decided to ignore them completely.” “We feel that introducing such elements as running to a precise schedule would go against the ethos of the company. We also have no wish to interfere with the customer’s freedom of choice, by which

I mean the one annoying bloke who must have the window open in January. “But we have decided to completely modernise and upgrade our service in one respect: we will be re-branding our routes. People never understood why we called the number 6 ‘The Spring’, especially as springs were exactly what the buses seemed to lack. Despite this we will be re-naming the number 3 ‘The Tortoise’, the 5 ‘The Bat’, the 46 ‘The Bad’, the 66 ‘The Clickety Clack’, and the 69 ‘The Swanky Smurf’... or something like that.”

BLACK RAT scoops two awards. Best Independent Restaurant in Winchester and most resilient independent vermin in Winchester takeaways .

Age UK launch new app o large is a nob o butter hat delights she herds ho ould in a fight between Napoleon and Hitler? The new app answers all these questions and more.

y our man with his n er on the uture, Tom Thumblr REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS @smugw

CHARITY AGE UK chose Winchester’s Great Hall as the venue for their luncheon to launch their new interactive software service which provides access to the accumulated knowledge and experience of grandmothers. Called Instagran, it enables anyone to instantly tap into – to quote their slogan – the ‘wisdom of the ancients’.

Grandmothers have been carefully selected to e e a ad spectrum of backgrounds, classes and prejudices. The on-duty gran will not only be able to verify old wives’ tales, say how large a knob of butter is and what delights shepherds, but answer enquiries on a wide variety of topics.

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The new service will run 24/7, apart from mid-morning, lunchtime, early afternoon, late evening, or during the night. The app has been trialled with much success, welcoming questions such as “Is it true Britain was created in 1066?”, “Who would win in a fight: Napoleon or Hitler?”, “Which did you enjoy more, the First or the Second World War?”, “Was it your generation that got us into this mess?” and “Do you now regret having children?”


Issue.8 2018

“You say”

Should they build a skating rink at Bar End?

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New trail for Alresford

Literally years in the making Tyro Storey Natasha Jetski, 25, Care home nurse, “Oh my god! That would be so fantastic! I wouldn’t have to take my little Katrina all the way to Southampton at three in the morning to do her training.”

Giles Tiffintime, 60, Historian, “No! No! No! I don’t want to see the roads blocked with cars full of noisy little Torvill and Deans. Leave it as it is – Somewhere one can take one’s dog for a good old romp.”

Maxine Factor, 30, Sales, “It’s about time the council did something for the everyday people of Winchester. There was no where to go when I was a kid - only a bus shelter.”

Dave Amps, 45, Electrician, “Don’t give a toss nipper. As long as I don’t have to pay for it.”

ALRESFORD Parish council is the latest government body to add a dinosaur trail to its list of tourist attractions. “It makes a great addition to the Millennium and Arle Valley Trails and has been literally years in the making,” said its brainchild. Parish Councillor Nigel Boredman explained the concept of the trail to a press day group before leading the first guided tour. “The trail starts at the bottom of Broad Street and heads up the hill and out of Alresford towards Bishops Sutton. There is clear evidence that herding dinosaurs lived in this area and you’ll be able to cross off the species listed in the booklet provided. “It’s a very exciting time and although we are the first to launch this I am told Winchester Council is also looking at their own Dinosaur Trail after discovering evidence that they too had dinosaurs over the winter.” We head up the hill, passing the library, its windows newly adorned with posters advertising the trail, stating ‘booklets available inside for a small donation’. We stop at the Horse and Groom, newly re-branded The Raptor and Rex, where Nigel points to the road and asks enthusiastically, “So, can anyone tell me what this is?” “A pothole” someone at the back replies. “No, no, no! Let’s not get confused. That’s a Diplodocus footprint. You can tell because we’ve put a paint circle around it for preservation” “So it’s not the road breaking apart after the recent bad weather,” I say with a sudden realisation of how the rest of the tour may go.

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“Not at all,” Nigel continues, “The parish made a full survey and was amazed to find so much evidence of dinosaur movement in the area. The decision was made to celebrate this by the creation of the trail.

“We’ve circled all the footprints with paint to show them as artefacts.” You should see the ones outside Long Barn. We think it must have been a communal meeting point or even watering hole.” Winchester Council was unavailable for comment but released a press statement saying they were looking into many dinosaur trails around the city.


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Issue.8 2018

Winchester Tennis Club invents brand new sport “ ...now that sixty is the new thirty.

Polly Player

ports orrespondent

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS @smugw

WINCHETER’S oldest tennis club, Winchester Racquets and Fitness, is set to launch a completely new sport it claims will prolong the competitive playing days of veteran tennis players. Called Croqis or Transition Tennis, the new sport is the brainchild of the club’s Head of Development, Will Bounce. In an exclusive interview with SMUG, Mr. Bounce explains how he came up with the idea. “I was tasked with finding ways to keep our veteran tennis members happy when they can no longer bend over to pick up the ball,” explained Mr. Bounce. “Until now, we simply increased the number of drink-assisted BBQs and urged them to transition to our croquet or bridge membership packages.

“But since sixty has become the new thirty, more and more tennis players are finding the transition from tennis to croquet simply too painful. Instead they soldier on with tennis, even though they spend so much time bent over trying to pick up balls, they might just as well roll the ball to one another. “We tried ball boys, of course, but that didn’t resolve the problem of the overarm serve and of players having to move. Then it hit me. Hoop-holes. Instead of hitting the ball back and forth over the net, players could knock the ball through hoop-shaped Croqis holes at the bottom of the net. Everything else would be the same, the court, net height, scoring system and the option of playing singles or doubles. In the players’ minds, it would still be tennis. “Unlike tennis, in which less able players struggle to reach a rally of more than two shots, Croqis court options include nets with double the number of hoop-holes, meaning that shit players can look just as good as good players.”

Enthuses one member who trialled the new game. “It’s brilliant! Gone are the days when you can simply win using skill, agility and determination. Now, you can just bore your opponent into submission.” Not all members welcome the sport. One tennis purist, Nettie Hightoss, even suggested that the club invented the sport solely in order to boost profits. “The majority of members,” explains Ms. Hightoss, “joined the club during its heyday in the 70’s and are now reaching 70, meaning that the number of tennis memberships is set to plummet. The addition of Croqis to the tennis package is simply a way of getting them to keep paying their £600+ tennis memberships, instead of moving on to the significantly cheaper Croquet package.” Despite the detractors, club manager Bill Usmore is so convinced the new sport will be a success that he has announced that the first Croqis Open will be held in conjunction with the club’s most illustrious tournament of the year, the Under 5s’ Sponge Ball Open.

Rubbish players can now look just as good as good players

“Winchester Racquets and Fitness or Winchester Racqueteers and Fitness.”

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Issue.8 2018

Shock revelation by Winchester traffic warden WINTONIANS have been shocked to discover why some illegally parked cars are ignored by Winchester traffic wardens, whilst others are booked within minutes of parking. A Winchester warden, Archie Booker, has spoken exclusively to SMUG, revealing the true manner in which the service operates. “Most people imagine,” explained Archie, “that we traffic wardens put tickets on vehicles to enforce parking regulations.

The truth is, we are all car spotting enthusiasts. “We’ve lists of every car that’s ever been made, and the ultimate goal for each of us is to photograph them all. Unfortunately, these days, the only people legally allowed to photograph other people’s cars with their number plates are police officers or traffic wardens who’ve issued penalty notices. “While the council is sympathetic to our hobby, to legally get the pictures, they expect us to put a ticket on the windscreen. In return, we don’t have to pay the council when we go car spotting, and they give us free uniforms.” Archie chose to reveal the truth because he has recently achieved his lifetime ambition. He placed a ticket on the windscreen of a 1967 Morris Oxford in Parchment Street on 23rd August to complete his forty-year quest to photograph every make and model of car, in every year of its registration. “No warden ever books the same type twice,’ Archie revealed, “and so we often ignore more common vehicles, wherever they’re parked. It took me six months to find that last Morris Oxford, and I didn’t write another penalty notice in the whole time. “Now I’ve got them all,’ Archie concluded, ‘there’s nothing left to do at the moment. There’ll be a new batch of registrations soon though,’ he added, ‘and I’ll be back on the streets of Winchester – hiding behind walls and wheelie bins, watching and waiting until I’ve bagged them all again!”

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SLOW WET

See it! Say it! Shove it! WE’VE ALL SUFFERED from it. We’ve all heard it and screamed inwardly. But when the cry goes up: “Is there a dentist on the train?” we all look down at our copies of the Metro and pretend we’ve found a really interesting article about house prices. Yes, noisy noshing is a ghastly and dangerous problem on our trains – and it’s getting worse. We hear them. We squirm and inwardly rage. But do we do anything about it? Masticating McDonalds. Spitting Sushi. Binging Burgers. Chomping Chocolate. It’s all happening on our trains and it is destroying the peace and comfort of our journeys. How many times have you drifted off at Clapham, dreaming of green fields and real ale, only to be rudely awoken at Wimbledon by the telltale chopsticks-scrapingagainst-cardboard sound of a Chinese being scoffed. Or the – what can only be described as - metallic clash of a cereal bar wrapper being deposited on the floor? Burping at Berrylands. Waffles at Weybridge. It’s all too much. And it’s got to stop! Now Monsieur F. Controllee, Chef d’ Sécurité of The Sud Ouestern Chemin de Fer, wants to do something about it. He has today announced a new Swallowing Sécurité policy for his trains.

“Under ma control”, said Controllee, “zere needs to be much more diligence over dangerously loud eating. Eet is impinging on our social libertee, fraternité and égalité!” Controllee went on to outline his policy, designed to reduce noisy noshing. “From now on, zere will be a Low Chomping Zone East of Woking. As ze train nears Woking ze dentures must be dubbed down, ze molar mastication must minimise and ze tongues will no longer trouble us.” New announcements will be played every ten seconds: Noisy Nosh! Nibble it! Numb it! to deter unwrapping after Woking.

e d be employed to seek out secret croissant stashes.

“Anyone found using dirty noodles will be arrested” said Controllee. “I know a won ton user when I see one.” When questioned as to what ‘customers’ west of Woking should do about the problem, he said: “aaah, zey can relax, fart, belch, burp and devour their dishes as zey like. Zis is ze countryside, so natural bodily activities take over for ze yokels”. When asked what his favourite trainrelated food is, Controllee said: “ah bien sur, les escargots, naturellement!”

a ed e d a “New rounder wheels for all trains” out-of-round tool

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POTHOLES

Resident lays claim to local mining rights

in hester ity oun il files ounter laim ith lanning ermission or fi e thousand a ordable homes.

Issue.8 2018

NEWS IN BRIEF SMUG EDITOR has colonoscopy in order to find herself CHURCH claims Trump not first to profit from fake news SOFA WORKSHOP expecting customer ‘any day soon’ PARROT offered Stanmore council house LOCAL Hash House Harriers chased in Winchester Police Drugs raid

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS

Can you tell the difference?

Site for new underground village or new mine? A WINCHESTER local resident has filed a claim for mining rights in a pothole after it ate her Landrover Defender. Linda Holtby of Badger Farm laid claim to the hole near the traffic lights in Chilbolton Avenue after it rearranged her landing gear on Thursday evening. Winchester City Council has since filed a counter-claim with planning permission for five thousand affordable homes with stunning views of the underside of the prestigious city. Earlier plans for an underground village in a pothole to the north of Winchester had to be abandoned this month after magma from the Earth’s core welled up in the basement of one of the showhomes. The development was also challenged as not being ‘in keeping’ as it was unlikely to add sufficient value to the peak-hour gridlock on the Romsey road.

Ms Holtby refused to comment as to whether she had already found valuable mineral deposits in the depths of the pothole, although she said that she had retrieved three shopping trolleys and a number 5 bus and passed these back to their owners.

City Council plans for new underground village of a da e homes abandoned. Meanwhile, a spokesman from National Heritage stated that the pothole may soon be listed as of special historic interest and of national importance and therefore worth protecting for future generations to enjoy.

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TEST your ability to tell the difference between real news and fake news. Just scroll down our twitter feed for the Real or Fake News polls. Oh, and don’t trust your brain. Brains are lazy. To avoid being overwhelmed they tend to focus on certain details, ignoring stuff that doesn’t fit with what you believe, while embracing stuff that reinforces what you think you already know, confirms your suspicions or appeals to your hopes. Good luck!

@SmugW ai u or

in hester

Shopping in Aldi Secreted by strangers A neighbour notices


Win Issue.8 2018

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COMING SOON…..

Exciting new TV experience, exclusive to Winchester Winchester WIN1

Live

6.00 Who wants to be a NEW

millionaire? f you aren t already.

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11.00 Broom Cupboards under the NEW

hammer Featuring property development of affordable homes in Winchester.

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oo e o et e out of here! NEW Gritty documentary focussing on the plight of Winchester residents ho don t o n a second home abroad.

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The Muppet Show Adult kids 1.00pm. WIN1 LIVE Live transmission from the House of Commons. This ee s special guest: onald rump 3 - 10 Nov

1.00 The Muppet Show. LIVE

See feature

2.30 Bob the Builder

Can he it es he can provided that he (i) wipes his feet ii doesn t ma e a mess and (iii) uses a portaloo.

tio St eet 3.00 o Popular soap about everyday HD Tinky Winky introduces a new playmate to her magical world.

Telehottubbies 9.00am. WIN1 Adult kids

arsonists in a Northern town.

4.00 Bartondale Farm Popular soap about everyday unscrupulous land developers in a Southern to n. n today s episode loveable rogues ob and Cash set their sights on 0 000 hectares of green eld space.

ipsy NEW Children s favourites in y in y aa aa and o share a hot tub in a garden in Ful ood. arning: contains some nudity Sponsored by Wintonian Hot Tubs Ltd.

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5.00 Silver Hill Street Blues Crime drama focussing on dodgy dealings in high places.

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Can you name the yellow teletubby? Where do teletubbies live? What is in the teletubby sun?

If you know the answers, we sympathize.

c o oc tio c o oc tio Echolocation NEW irsty and ipistrille ta e us on a nocturnal tour of the best caves and roosting places for bats around Hampshire. [not in colour].

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Box Office winchesterfilmfestival.com ai u or

in hester

On Badger Farm The spaniel's delight A turd sticks to my shoe

Answers 1 Laa Laa 2. Teletubbieland 3.A baby


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Issue.8 2018

“You taught me to...”

OUR local buses are renowned for their fares and their frequencies. Exceedingly high and exasperatingly low. But they’ve at least performed one minor miracle. They’ve taught me to walk again. I was surfing one of those web fora which my fellow losels so enjoy when I discovered a series of complaints about the fact that Southampton buses are both cheaper and nicer than Winchester ones, as if the quality of public transport services somehow compensated the residents of that godforsaken port for having to dwell in constant proximity to a host of drunken sailors and dirty dockers, their sleepless nights ever thrall to the relentless blare of the cruiser’s horn, the multiplex cinemas and the spectacular retail facilities. Last week I took a bus from town to the Sainsburys superstore in Badger Farm. I’m unsure if there was ever a badger farm in Badger Farm, but farming badgers sounds almost as cruel a project as building a large housing estate without a single pub on it. (Memorandum to the residents of Kings Worthy: a ‘superstore’ is a place that contains all one needs to stay alive and nothing that makes life worth living. It’s also what popular disc jockey and entertainer Mike Read used to get up to with young children on Saturday mornings through much of the 1980s, some decades before he hooked up with UKIP and things went a bit pear-shaped.) So there I am, stuck out in the wilderness of Battery Farm, and wishing I’d gone to Waitrose in Weeke instead (I justify the expense of a Waitrose trip by popping next door to Aldi to buy bleach and toilet roll, thus balancing my budget and my karma like some Buddha of domestic science), waiting in the pissing drizzle for my bus back to civilisation when suddenly I hear the sound, coming from the field just up the hill, of a moocow’s moo. Well, the lowing of the cattle wakes the twins in the pram in the care of a young mother laden with more shopping than the taxpayer might rightly afford. (Sometimes in Sainsburys you see people who really shouldn’t be allowed to have children. And sometimes you see ones who shouldn’t even be allowed to have trolleys. In this case, then, the pram was clearly pushing it.) Her bleached hair’s pulled back so tight that her face is drawn into a permanent grimace, and her twins start squealing, and she turns to me and says,

Mr Grumpus ...takes the bus

‘Fucking pigs’ (a phrase I suspect she’s heard in other contexts), and I don’t know whether she’s referring to her diabolical spawn or whether to tell her it’s cows, so I decide at that point that, as Godot’s likely to arrive before the next bus, I might as well walk. The good burghers of Badger Farm (not to be confused with my forthcoming children’s book The Good Badgers of Burger Farm) like to park their cars halfway onto the pavement, thus impeding pedestrian access with a stubbornness that seems strategic. (God knows what they’ve got in their garages, probably crystal meth nurseries or cannabis labs.) So up past Larks Rise and Ravens Ford I go, then down through Falcon Crest, Eagles’ Nest, Wolf’s Lair, Barley Way, Hay Wain and Plough Lane, until I reach the picturesque environs of Lower Stanmore. I could regale you with tales of the splendours of the hamlet of Stanmore on a sunless Sunday afternoon, but I’d hate to be accused of spoiling that little Shangri-la by putting it on the tourist map. Let’s just say that it combines a lack of pretension with rustic charm, and may one day become a Mecca for nostalgists of trailers and tradesmen’s vans, angry

mongrels, angry mothers, texting teenagers and the innocence of hateless happiness. At last I turn onto the St Cross Road and towards the heart of historic Wintonia to be greeted by the towering conifers and whiff of cortisone that herald the Wessex Skin Clinic. And then Chernocke House, that bastion of monied pride and mindless privilege. And Dummer Mews and the realtors’ signs swaying in the breeze. And finally the Everyman’s retro billboard promoting arty flicks we’ll never see but reminding us that at least we’re not in Southampton. It was at that point in my odyssey that I resolved to email the bus companies to demand an explanation. Phil from Bluestar – the company which runs the notoriously efficient services from Winchester to Southampton (and, thankfully, back again) – responded swiftly to my request that they extend their operations to cover Winchester’s intra-city routes: “Unfortunately, we do not have any plans to run services in Winchester, as another company already run a number of services. Therefore, it would not be commercially viable to run more services at this current time.” It took Winchester’s Stagecoach three weeks to respond to my (several) emails. They apologized for the frustrations caused by my experience with their services and assured me that the matter raised would be ‘given due regard’. They observed that ‘there are a number of ways of improving the reliability of bus services’ and pledged that they’d ‘investigate timetabling and scheduling issues with a view to making alterations if necessary to improve reliability.’ Fingers crossed, then. But breath not held. (Jesus Christ, it’s hardly rocket science. Would it take a Fascist coup at the County Council to make the buses run on time?) .In the meantime, I might try the new little Tesco in town. After all, all I really need are Pringles and gin.

God knows what they’ve got in their garages, probably crystal meth nurseries or cannabis labs.

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Mr Grumpus is social scientist for SMUG grumpus@smugwinchester.com


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Issue.8 2018

WEXIT

THE TITWAY REPORT This Is The Wexit Awaiting You

“Everyone is equal, in theory.” That doesn’t sound entirely as if everyone will be treated equally?

by

ebe

a

itway

Well, everyone is equal in theory, but in reality Wintonians are more equal than others.

SMUG POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

In the last interview, SMUG roving reporter, Rebecca Titway, interviewed Will Savage about his vision for the future, and discovered a man with big ideas and hard borders. In this interview, we ask Wintonian heavyweight Judge Dubious, about what Wexit will mean for the legal, political, financial and social aspects of Wintonia.

T

ODAY I am joined by Judge Dubious to discuss the implications o ta ing ba legal sel ontrol rom the Supreme Court in London. It’s Judge Du Bois. Is that a French name? What will be the legal position for individuals such as yourself – may I say ‘foreigners’ – who do not hold a Wintonian birth right? Before the Wexit vote, citizens of the UK enjoyed freedom of movement into and out of Wintonia, and enjoyed the same rights as Wintonians. Equally, the citizens of Wintonia could travel to places like London with no restriction. Now Wintonians will still be able to travel to, for example, London and in a totally frictionless way (Slow Wet trains allowing of course!) but Wintonia will be able to stop anyone they don’t like from coming in. Commuting and immigration are really very similar issues. And may I add that I have been commuting from Wintonia now for quite a few years.

And if there was to be some sort of legal dispute, how would this be resolved? In Wintonia’s High Court…..the one at the top of the town. Previous judgements made by the Supreme Court in London have always favoured the foreigner, and we need to take back control. We will make our own laws again to reflect our priorities and values ; our border controls; our politics our finances, and we will create a wonderful new future. It will be wonderful. Actually, I’m intending to draft a few new laws this afternoon. And how will any new laws be adopted? Overseen? When Winchester was the capital of England, the legal system was overseen by King Arthur and his knights seated around the impressive Round Table that you see now hanging in the Great Hall. That system served us well then and can serve us well again. We can learn from history, and embrace that life again.

So there is no risk of a small number of sel moti ated indi iduals using e it as a cover to take control of Wintonia to suit their own purposes? Of course not. We are merely delivering what the people of Wintonia have requested! Trust me. o ing on to finan ial matters, ondon has stated that bankers from Wintonia who have previously worked up there may not be able to do so in future. What do you have to say about that? This is absolutely why we must make Wexit happen! Yet another example of petty minded bureaucrats up in London thinking that they can tell us what we can and cannot do! Can they really survive without our expertise? Our links to financial markets around the world? Well let me tell them…we will carry on being the banking professionals of the world. And why would the rest of the world want to do business with Wintonia? What advantages does it have to offer?

We will create a wonderful new future. It will be wonderful.

Is that democratic? How will people be elected to their seats around the table? You have seen how our local councillors are elected today and perform their roles? Our boundary commission (of which I am the chair) will slim down the number of councillors we need to fit with the number of seats available at the Top Table at any one time, with revolving selection, and we intend to have a rotating chair as well.

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We will be able to create our own rules for financial government, and a taxation system which will reinforce Wintonia’s premier position in the world of finance, whilst of course appearing to be fair and equitable with London and international rules. Are you suggesting that Wintonia will become a tax haven, such as some of the Caribbean islands? Of course not. We will however make it clear that we welcome long term financial investment and deposits. Should our friends in France have some spare money and wish to invest here, then our doors will be open.


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How will the public sector system work in Wexit? The health system for example?

Will Savage Leader of WISPa

Our health system will be the envy of the world. We will invest in the best health care facilities possible and make them available to those who are genuinely in need and can afford it. It is important to realise that health starts at home, and the government of Wintonia will have a duty to their citizens to create a population fit for the future. We will adopt best practices from around the world: for example from Japan, exercise classes in the work place before the work day starts; from China the art of Tai Chi; and from Holland, bicycles. A healthy diet will be encouraged, and we will impose a levy on retail outlets serving unhealthy meal options. Could that be called ‘a sausage roll tax’? We need to make a healthy diet more appealing, and financial measures can help here with the proceeds helping fund our public services. . How about education? Wintonia is already well placed with some excellent schools, both at primary and secondary levels, and in the public and private sectors, and of course we have our own University of Winchester. To help fund these, we will grant special student visas to come and study at these institutions, with a new fee structure targeted at those coming across the border, and a reduction in cost for Wintonian residents. Our reputation will ensure that there is high demand for these places.

Q: Favourite food? A: Dim Sum

That approach sounds, well, almost Scottish?

Q: Favourite pub? : es

Its about taking back control.

Q: Favourite Band? : imp e Minds

Listening to what you have to say, it strikes me that you could be open to the challenge that there might be an arrogance in assuming that the world will give Wintonia the respect it deserves, and want to continue to do business with us. What if they don’t? hat i intonia sli s rom its re eminent position in the world to become a forgotten backwater economically? What a ridiculous suggestion. How can the world turn its back on us? We are Wintonia!

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Quick Fire Interview

Q: Favourite play? : ower p ay Q: Favourite radio show? : m sorry haven t a ue Q: Favourite TV program? : ho do you thin you are Q: Favourite TV Character? A: Sooty. It’s all about control…

Judge Dubious, thank you very much.

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Issue.8 2018

This penultimate episode takes us ten years into the future when Godlove’s plan comes to fruition and Allana Loveall claims victory as Winchester is split into heaven and earth. Continued from issues 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Lady Marigold

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EN LONG YEARS have passed and in that time Hero Godlove has completed his underground city. Powerless to stop Godlove’s plans and yet still very ambitious for his own, Allana and his cohort from the Cultural Trust were the first to occupy the ‘Arts Quarter’ (Tower 10) in the new city 100 feet below ground, after persuading the populace to accept the World Heritage Status award. The City and the County staffs, the University and the School of Art went there too. Winchester College was sole survivor of the flattening of most of the inner city, as required in order to bring the city to 900 AD conditions. Meanwhile vast combines of County woodentops and the City oompa-loompas were deputed to data gathering for the 2028 Win/900 launch. They had spent their time mapping now and then in terms of housing, occupations and the nature of the general daily round in 900 AD. A vast recruitment programme had been set up to allocate roles to populate the ersatz city set, producing endless lists of whole new classes of work opening up to the locals – blacksmith, tinker, cartwright, waterman, drunkard, innkeeper, thatcher, farmer, witheyman, tanner, candlemaker, medicine woman, ostler, stable boy, merchant, baker, peddler, traveller, strolling player, artist, trollop - each with living circumstances appropriate to the role. To apply for the job meant to apply for a certain sort of life and commit to it hook, line and sinker. County Woodentop

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THE CITY clearance had been very efficiently effected by moving inhabitants and their houses beyond the new World Heritage Status boundary and rebuilding in the North, East and West Diaspora (as the rebuilt city sectors were to become known). Between the three diaspora and the new city was built a vast bank of soil (dug out in the excavations), leaving only the southern approach to the city open. This immense building programme offered jobs and required apprentices throughout Hampshire for 25 years. From a distance the soil bank rose like the sides of a volcano and within this vast soil bank were buried all the facilities for the 20 million visitors per year that were expected. Here were the visitor hotels, car parks and rail lines, restaurants, retail outlets and rest rooms, lecture theatres, museum displays, coffee houses, spas and various cleaners and public baths (interactions with the city folk were not guaranteed to leave visitors clean given 900 AD conditions – some visitors, indeed, only come to get dirty).

20 million visitors a year expected WHERE a move to the diaspora didn’t suit the inhabitant, it was also possible to simply pay them off to just go away and live elsewhere. With an annual 20m visitors expected, spending something like £1k per head, the £20 bn income was more than enough to compensate the leavers, as well as pay for free health and dental care for all. People working in the 900 AD city, of course, would have to have remedial dentistry so the population could offer the full panoply of oral horrors of that time – abscesses, missing teeth, full mouth caries, wooden tooth stumps – and similarly the prosthetic opticians had plenty of work mimicking cataracts, squints, festering styes and, of course, an empty socket.


Issue.8 2018

Diseases were most often prosthetic, but the occasional happenstance meant that quite a few real lepers, smallpox sufferers and general lunatics found their natural place in the Win/900 city. THERE were unsightly shenanigans from time to time as it became apparent what the various benefits were in taking different roles as a living – ‘Sheriff’, ‘Baron’ and ‘Man of God’ were most popular - and those insecure in the new world fought to get a more suitable placement in the old. The beer barons and Gentleman B quickly organised themselves to have footholds in both the old and new city, Dave particularly enjoying wandering barefoot through the eastern swamp of the city, waving a very stout stick and shouting at God. The ‘Mad Pilgrim’ was in fact just a casual role, requiring only two appearances per year, but David was happy to volunteer whenever he felt like it.

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have made it our raison d’etre. Mind you, it always was for me … ‘specially after Carillion.’ And so the sun sets over the little ersatz city in a bowl and Winchester stands in full display as a historic centre, whilst all that is of the more modern age is hidden and buried, left for the few adventurers to find in the unmarked venues scattered through the visitor city.

IT was strange then that after all the turmoil, confusion and outrage of the last ten years , the AGM of the ‘Then’ and ‘Now’ Councils ended up being unexpectedly productive. One of the oompa-loompas had been clearing out the Strategy Cupboard and found a copy of the Cultural Plan from 2014. Allana and the assembled culture vultures laughed wholeheartedly as the plan was read out, the lack of ambition seemingly risible compared with where they stood now. ‘MY FELLOWS!’ cried Allana, moved to speak. ‘We must congratulate ourselves, we must celebrate, for have we not achieved that which we set out to do those many years ago? Then we dreamed the city might be backcloth to the cultural play that is our lives, but today the very streets of the city are themselves an artwork, an historic fabric, and their every occupant an actor/craftsman. We have not just made the city a backcloth to our culture - we

Godlove

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FROM THE ARCHIVES

Oh what a year

It’s 1963! By Christian Hitchup IN OUR NEW one-off regular feature SMUG winds back the clock to a year of great significance for the residents of Wintonia. Readers of more advanced years may well recall 1963: Beatlemania, the assassination of JFK, and the launch of the ever popular Finger of Fudge confection bar. But in our city things were far from jolly. We were beset by demons; both the host of hell and their underlings incarnated from gargoyles and other local ‘religious’ carvings. A vicious campaign of manipulation and hatred was underway spearheaded by the Archdemon Vitrios. Heady times as the citizens were unknowingly tempted, disrupted and befuddled into early graves and pub brawls by Lucifer’s legions. itrios himself had infiltrated Wintonia’s newspaper, The Hampshire Chronic, making use of its editorial columns to set people against each other, seed discontent and whip up conflict and fear. His most effective writing appeared in a weekly column, Vitrios the Scrutineer, which lured readers with the promise of openminded debate and compelling new knowledge, but then spat them out, closed-minded, fuming and seeking the heads of those they never realised they hated.

Issue.8 2018

Hyde 900 fights hostile takeover bid Ros Tivis r hives editor

THE COMMUNITY archaeologists of Hyde 900 faced a major blow this week as Winchester’s premier escape room Clue Capers mounted a multi-pound takeover offensive. Speaking next to a pile of top soil, Buffy Diesel, Clue Capers’ CFO stated, “Hyde 900 has been fannying about in residents’ back gardens for months now with nothing to show except a couple of plates and a vintage Finger of Fudge wrapper.” He added, “Here at Clue Capers we know what we’re doing when it comes to finding stuff. Ok, so it’s the same stuff. Repeatedly. Day after day after day. After day. But we’ve got the skills and knowhow to excavate what’s eluded the so-called ‘amateurs’ at Hyde 900 – i.e. something of interest.” In a feisty repost Aviva Bushley, director of the community dig, pointed out Hyde 900’s core purpose. “Every city needs something significant to exhume.

Leicester has Richard III, Scarborough bagged Jimmy Saville, and Winchester (World Heritage Site) is rummaging about for King Alfred. “We’ve had several significant finds this month that all point to indications suggesting the high likelihood of substantial lines of investigation.” When pressed, Aviva became a little flatter and some juice came out. She then revealed that her team had actually discovered the empty, decaying tomb of an Archdemon named Vitrios but no-one thought it of any significance, what with Alfred the Great in their sights. “How on earth could you think that insignificant? ” shouted Buffy, completely subverting the genre of this article. On further investigation this reporter can reveal exclusively that the Archdemon itrios is in fact a fictional character from Canon Roger Lloyd’s 1966 morality tale, The Troubling of the City, and not a real Archdemon at all. However the empty tomb remains a mystery.

Every city needs something i i c t to exhume.

He was the original spin doctor... ...a one-demon Daily Mail, a protoTrump voice using the power of local media to undermine the community, unsettle the smug, and provoke the slumbering into seizing their pitchforks and marching upon a phantom enemy. Thankfully, towards the end of this eventful year, Vitrios was bound and brow beaten by a hastily prayermanifested St Swithun who banished him for 55 years, fully believing that 2018 would be a time of utopian peace, world harmony and enhanced human morality.

Empty tomb remains a mystery

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WARNING You have been smugged

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WINCHESTER DISTRICT EDITION Issue.8 2018

VILLAGERS

CHRONICLE

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New Alresford Dinasaur Trail Page 5

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ISBN:34520592534

Spring 2018

Alresford Show-Offs Re-introduction of village stocks gaining support

Alan Ford M ommunity orrespondent

SEPTEMBER marks two points in the village calendar - the end of the cricket season and the month of the Alresford Agricultural Show. The cricket season will have been fought from several angles amongst the village teams, one being how much money can be squeezed out of the Junior parents for an overseas player to prop up an otherwise insular and under strength Senior team? More importantly can one of St. Cross’s Symondians six or more Senior teams be beaten, proving more than one club in the Winchester District matters? Who knows the outcomes, other than village clubs are generally left poorer from all angles by now. The Alresford Agricultural Show, on the other hand, is now in its 109th year and must be considered a flagship event for showing off how ‘country’ you are. An opportunity for old and new monies alike to mix, with the new monies modelling the latest tweeds from Harris and boots from Dubarry, whilst the old money expect to get in for free and not pay for anything. There is plenty to keep you occupied between the bars. Watch little Tilley ride her pony around the field for ten minutes. Then see her thcweam and thcweam when the wrong colour rosette is awarded. Charles and Toby are talking bullocks over the quality of the beef stock on show in the livestock arena, whilst Abbie and Bunty carry their bejewelled chihuahuas to the dog show.

VILLAGE fetes or shows could use stocks to keep local justice in the community, whether it be for acts of blatant and unnecessary pomposity from a parish councillor, booking the overseas player for the cricket club, defrauding the community sports bar or even poor writing. Explains the leader behind the initiative, “The humiliation of being locked up for an afternoon while people throw wet sponges or even rotten fruit at you surely is more satisfying for the villagers than reading in the Chronicle that the police have no time for the community and no further action will be taken.”

Local justice

Men called Stan or ‘Arry have temporarily left the solitude of their garden sheds to show off a steam-driven 1894 Oil Sump Drain Pump. Next to them is a row of immaculate Grey Fergie TE20 tractors that haven’t seen a muddy puddle in thirty years. It’s mainly the new money that sees all this though whilst Peacocking. Old money has no time for this; they have been there and have the cravat. By now, bored with sharing the same field as commoners, they are entrenched among the land and estate agents who joust for business, cock measure over the square footage of their marquee and ply customers with free alcohol. The old money, of course, knows them all: “We’re considering selling off a couple of the tied cottages my man... Bring me some more wine”

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NEWS IN BRIEF ALRESFORD COUNCIL has submitted plan for a public flogging platform for dog walkers who do not clear up after themselves. YOGA CLASSES to become mandatory for Alresford residents. THE GLOBE offers reduced priced meals for locals - namely the cricketers.


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S T R A I G H T

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Issue.8 2018

Post UK Post Now series: No.2

S M U G

and the abolition of the monarchy A 2020 newspaper headline will read, “Scotland votes to become a republic”. How realistic a prediction is this? Hindsight

A year after Catalunya threatened to di t e t e i do o S i SMUG co-editor Vanessa Moussa invites you to test your powers of foresight by predicting the fate of our own kingdom.

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magine. The year is 2014, just before the Scottish referendum on independence. You are a Scottish swing voter on the way to your local polling station and pick up a newspaper with a headline that reads: “UKIP on the rise in England.” News about growing support for a nationalist party in the UK’s most populated territory may have caught your attention. But had you and voters like you known that UKIP’s rise would culminate in the UK leaving the EU, Scotland would probably already be an independent nation.

Hindsight, of course, doesn’t change the present. But it does afford us knowledge to develop our foresight, which enables us to prepare for the future. Granted, we have a poor record of predicting what is just around the corner. No-one saw the internet coming only a few years before most of us couldn’t envisage life without it. Fortunately, the British Isles have thousands of years of history for us to draw on. This history tells us that after hundreds of years of bloody territorial battles, religious persecutions and holy coronations, a Treaty of Perpetual Peace was signed in 1502 in an attempt to end hostilities between the two warring kingdoms of England and Scotland forever. The outcome of the treaty was the marriage of an English royal with a Scottish royal which, 101 bloody years later on the death of Queen Elizabeth I, led to the accession of James VI of Scotland, a Stewart, to the English throne as James I of England.

od

What God hath conjoined let no man separate.

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While the union of the thrones was a personal one, in the dual monarch’s own mind he was King of Great Britain with a right to rule derived directly from the will of God and not subject to earthly authority. In his first speech to the southern assembly he said, “What God hath conjoined let no man separate. I am the husband and the whole isle is my lawful wife.”

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Whether or not you believe in a divine mandate, or consider the union of England and Scotland to have been sealed with the union of the crowns in 1603 or with the signing of the political Act of Union in 1707, the same dual kingdom exists today in its evolved form of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland. But our unitary nation state does not exist in the same way as a rock or a human.


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It is a non-physical juridical entity legitimised by man-made and divine laws. In other words, the nation state is a construct of the mind that resides in the collective consciousness in the same way as political creeds, religious beliefs, human rights, democracy or notions of royalty and Englishness. Like them or loathe them, such constructs serve to bond mass populations so they can manage themselves or be managed. Without the idea of a nation state we would revert to the hunter-gatherer nomadic lifestyle which, however appealing, works with groups of 20, not 65 million. Nation states exist because humans need them to exist, and because other nations states agree they exist. Well, not all countries agree. Israel, the US and Canada do not agree that Palestine exists, and Israel is not recognised by over 30 United Nation member states. Sovereignty over the Western Sahara is claimed by both the Kingdom of Morocco and the self-proclaimed Sahrawi Arab Democratic Republic, neither of which is recognised as having sovereignty by the UN. Twenty-three EU member states recognise Kosovo, with the notable exception of the Kingdom of Spain. Northern Cyprus is only recognised by one country, Turkey. Catalunya’s unilateral declaration of independence wasn’t recognised by any. Most disputed territories, including Scotland, are populated by a majority community that are ruled by, or threatened by, a larger community, often a conqueror, that does not share the same history, beliefs, ethnicity, national identity, faith, political ideology or resources. When forecasting the future of our own unitary juridical entity, the stories of two communities that have recently sought independence are eye-opening - Kosovo and Catalunya.

Kosovo has since been recognised by over one hundred nation states and become a member of the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank. Based on this story, Scotland does not require permission from Westminster to hold a second referendum. Kosovo didn’t even hold a first one. .

Nation States exist because other nation states agree Catalunya they exist. Then again, while

Kosovo

Kosovo entered our collective consciousness in 2008 when the ethnic Albanian leadership of the then Serbian province unilaterally declared Kosovo an independent republic, on the grounds that its majority Albanian culture was being suppressed. While Serbia refused to recognise Kosovo, imprisoning and torturing Kosovo’s politicians, the International Court of Justice found that Kosovo’s declaration was not in violation of international law, which does not prohibit unilateral declarations of independence unless there is third-party intervention.

23 EU members states recognise Kosovo, a future candidate for the enlargement of the EU, Spain does not. Spain’s refusal to recognise Kosovo is, of course, to stave off dismantling by its autonomous provinces of Catalunya and Basque. Still, the Spanish government’s hard line stance did not stop secessionist Catalan MPs trying to emulate Kosovo’s success when in 2017 they unilaterally declared Catalunya an independent republic. While the secessionist Catalan MPs recorded a majority of 70 to 10 in a 135 seat regional parliament, Spain forcibly took back control of Catalunya’s services, fired the regional president, dissolved Catalunya’s parliament and announced new elections. To justify their actions, Spain referenced a vague article in the constitution that made no reference to secession. So how was Spain able to stop its own dismantling when Serbia failed? Because other countries such as the USA, France, Germany and the UK declared that they would refuse to recognise an independent Catalunya. In other words, for a territory to secede, the only real requisite is for other countries and organisations to agree it exists.

Scotland

Unfortunately for Scotland, at the time of the 2012 Scottish referendum on independence, Spain declared that it would veto Scotland’s membership to the EU were it to vote to leave the UK (no surprise there). Spain has since softened its stance. Given the shift towards ever more significant devolution in Scotland, and given that the majority of Scotland’s population want to remain in the EU, is it more a case of when Scotland will secede from the UK, not if?

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A more mouth-watering questions is: How far reaching will be the domino effect caused by Scotland seceding from the UK? Will Northern Ireland reunite with the Republic? Will Wales and Cornwall demand a reappraisal of their status? Will Queen Elizabeth II become Queen Elizabeth I of Scotland? Will Scotland vote to become a republic and will this prompt the Commonwealth realms of Australia and Canada to follow suit, causing the collapse of the Commonwealth? Will the monarchy survive a dismantling of its realm? Will England become a republic? Will this be the end of the Church of England as the state religion? Will this add momentum to movements in other kingdoms such as Spain and Morocco for the abolition of the monarchy? What will this mean for Catholicism and Islam? No-one can see into the future, yet. But that has never stopped humans in the past trying to predict the future. Just as the ancients employed oracles and seers to interpret signs, contemporary governments employ futurologists using science to anticipate challenges and seize opportunities.The Finnish government is required to present a “Report on the Future” each parliamentary term. Singapore has a Centre for Strategic Futures. Our own government, perhaps beguiled by an inflated sense of self, seemed almost indifferent during the first Scottish referendum, and certainly wasn’t plugged into the national psyche during the Brexit referendum. What about you? Are you plugged into the global zeitgeist? Find out and test your own powers of foresight by taking the SMUG FUTURE TIMES 2020 challenge overleaf.

Test your powers of foresight

COMPETITION hi h related e ents do you predict will occur two years from now?


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Issue.8 2018

ISBN:34520592534

Issue :975743

2020

THE FUTURE TIMES Take a chance on me

2020 headlines

Supplement to Post UK by anessa

Test your powers of foresight

COMPETITION Do you think these events will t e ce i e o No i t e o tt ee d of page 25. Results entered in i ed i e it o t correct predictions announced on 1 September 2020. 1

COMPETITION oussa .

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67 years later Ireland re-unites After 100 years of partition, Ireland reunites after Protestants and Catholics sign a Treaty of Perpetual peace resulting in the marriage of a Protestant unionist with a Catholic republican.

Scotland votes to leave UK

ed e

Following the British PM’s declaration that ‘now is the time’ for Scottish Indy 2, Scotland votes to leave the UK. 2

Test your powers of foresight

Following the secession of Scotland from the Rest of the UK, Scottish monarchists are vindicated as Queen Elizabeth II of England becomes Queen Elizabeth I of Scotland - 67 years after her coronation.

Scotland revolts Scotland 5

Westminster dissolves Scottish parliament British PM proclaims Scottish unilateral declaration of independence illegal, fires its first minister, dissolves Scottish parliament and calls for new elections.

Northern Ireland votes to remain part of new Britain

divided

Following Westminster’s refusal to grant Scotland permission to hold a second referendum on Independence, claiming that ‘Now is still not the time’, the leader of the Scottish Parliament unilaterally declares Scotland an independent nation state. 3

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Threat of revolution looms as tension mounts between Scottish monarchists and republicans. 6

Scotland ditches monarchy and becomes republic 238

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Northern Ireland votes to become independent republic Shock result in Northern Ireland as Loyalists and Unionists lose out to a population who want to take back control. New independent sovereign nation to be called the Republic of Ulster.


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The Future Times 2020 10

Welsh Assembly wins its battle for equal status in New Britain

NINE YEARS after Wales was officially recognised as a country by the Internal Organisation for Standardisation, the Leader of the Welsh Assembly claims victory saying, “It was high time England stopped treating us like a principality. We haven’t been one since the 16th century. We have our own anthem, language, rugby and football teams. We are a country, and have a right to be on the flag.”

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World mourns death of longest serving monarch

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End of the line for 1,000 year old kingdom

CORNISH AND WELSH majorities in the referendum on the abolition of the monarchy called following the death of Queen Elizabeth II ensure that England, Wales and Cornwall become a Federal Republic.

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Church headless

THE STATE FUNERAL of Her Majesty Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the New Britain, New Zealand and Her Other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, will be held at Westminster Abbey nine days hence, after which her body will be buried at St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

Monarchy survives but Charles left out in the cold

FOLLOWING England’s transition from Kingdom to Republic, the Church of England re-brands as The Church and seeks new head.

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Windsors ditch made-up name and revert back to real name of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha

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The ‘rest of UK’ decides upon new name

FOLLOWING the death of Queen Elizabeth II, the monarchy, fearing a republican revolt, announce the more popular Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, as king.

Following the secession of Scotland and Ireland from the old United Kingdom, the rest of the UK debate over what to call itself has finally ended. Names put forward included Britain, Britania and New Britain., with New Britain as the final choice. 12

Cornwall demands equality with Wales

The Cornish National Assembly wins its battle for Cornwall to be recognised as the new third home nation and for the Cornish flag of St. Piran to be incorporated in the new union flag.

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Australia saves the Commonwealth After Australians voted to remain a Commonwealth Realm, and with Canada and New Zealand expected to follow suit, the Commonwealth is safe, for now.

Test your powers of foresight

COMPETITION Yes

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Your own prediction (below)

YOUR OWN PREDICTION n case of a tie-brea please include below your own prediction of an event (relating to the UK) that will occur before September 2020.

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Australia puts final nail in the Commonwealth coffin

After Australians vote to become a republic, and with Canada expected to follow suit, the Commonwealth looks set to end.

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Send to: mail a screenshot to editor smug inchester.com OR cut out and mail to: SMUG he ree ouse Staple Gardens inchester SO 8S


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Set by Ackles

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in hester

The Hambledon Fifty-pound fragrances Bored housewife browses

Dear Reader, We welcome comments on any of the content of this issue, or about anything at all, in a letter to the editor (max 300 words) at editor@smugwinchester.com Contributors’ details can be withheld from publication on request. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements.

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When Winston Churchill, having left the Conservatives to join the Liberal Party, then rejoined the Conservatives in 1924, he remarked (“complacently”, says the biography on the Churchill College website) that it took a certain ingenuity to “re-rat”. The comparison between St. Luke’s councillor Jamie Scott and Winston Churchill ends there. When Cllr Kim Gottlieb (SMUG’s Mr Godlove finally consciously uncoupled from the Conservatives, removing their wafer-thin majority of one, Cllr Scott scuttled to the rescue and switched back to the party from which he had come four years previously. It may be that when Scott re-ratted at the end of June it didn’t even take ingenuity, but enticement and inducement, but we won’t know until the next council season, when remunerated cabinet positions are doled out. Was it a spontaneous decision, in the heat of a full Council meeting? Or had the phone lines between Sparsholt, home of the local party leader, and Stanmore been buzzing hotly over the weekend? After all, Cllr Gottlieb was gentlemanly enough to give his erstwhile party several days’ notice before the meeting, giving the Conservatives time to make deals and fix fixes. Another inglorious episode in local Winchester politics. The real surprise is that Cllr Horrill and the rest of the Conservatives hadn’t ejected Mr Godlove ages ago, after he embarrassed them when the last attempt to develop Silver Hill was ruled to have been illegal. But as with the Great Leader in Downing Street, party supremacy is evidently more important than duty to the electorate. What would you actually have to do to be thrown out of a party with a majority of one? Meanwhile the heavily and expensively consulted-on Silver Hill 2 risks looking remarkably like the earlier version, now that the Conservatives have removed anything that might possibly make any developer actually build what consultees said they wanted. Still, Jamie will be behind them. Anonymous (This letter is not a SMUG editorial. Please reply through the editor.)


Issue.8 2018

smugwinchester.com

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Practical, no-nonsense solutions to all your first world problems Dear Arabella,

Dear Arabella,

Ruined!

Seriously sticky!

I feel so blessed, after a beautiful weekend at my friends wedding. Of course, I had to re-mortgage the house and sell my first born to be there:

SLIME!!! I have a 9 year old who is currently obsessed with making slime... and if she’s not asking me to buy the latest “rainbow unicorn poo” version she’s providing me with a list of bizarre and often pricey ingredients then forcing me to watch Utube instructional videos on how to make it for her!!

Beautician - £60 Haircut - £40 Outfit- 120 not incl. shoes Present - £50 Travel - £40 Hotel - £390 (2 nights) Drinks - £60 Yes that’s right £760.00 to be a guest at someone’s big day!!!! I wouldn’t mind, but I have four more to do this year. Any advice?! inan ially

uined in ul ood

Seriously sticky in Stanmore Dear Arabella,

Baffled! I would like to know how you feel about something.... This week I have spent £37.00 on two CHILDREN’s haircuts. Is this really acceptable? Ba ed in Badger arm

Dear people of Winchester, I’ve decided to answer all of these together this edition, as it seems to me that the problem in each letter is one and the same... and you may not want to hear this but here it is. LEARN TO SAY NO FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!...to children, to friends, and to the latest trends. The trouble here seems to be a culture of indulgence, but it’s really helping no one. Moderation is key, sa rifi e is not a sin, and it’s er e tly achievable to live well cheaply!

YOUR SAY

Send all your first world problems to Arabella. She’s a nosey old coot with nothing better to do than feeding her cats, so she’d love to hear from you. editor@smugwinchester.com

Obituary Tireless crusader who played a major role in the formation of Winchester’s supermums Jessica Sloane, alias Alpha Mummy, passed away on Saturday 3rd June aged none of your bloody business. She was born on May 26th, 19something.

Jessica Sloane, (nee Fawcett-Jones) passed away splendidly and appropriately at Tidworth Polo Club during the Duke of York Cup. Knocked unconscious during the fourth chukka by a stray ball she fell behind the smartest Bloomfields lorry there that day and lay for a while in a perfect pile of Prada and Moda Rosa before being tragically reversed over. Jessica is survived by her Prada handbag, her doting husband Piers who is hiding his heartbreak behind a brave smile and frequent trips to his London club, her perfect children Merlin and India and her older siblings St John and Arabella.

Born in Buckinghamshire, Jessica graduated from Marlborough College before attending Oxford* where she attained a 2:1 Batchelor of Arts in Fine Art. She moved to Knightsbridge to intern for Bonhams before meeting Piers at a charity event organised for Investment Bankers who had received substandard bonuses. A service of remembrance and gratitude to be held at Winchester Cathedral and Rhyme Time.

Alpha Mummy 241241

“Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something” Plato *(Brookes)


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HOP

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Smug is run by a not-for-profit organisation

Issue.8 2018

smugwinchester.com

Signed limited edition giclée prints of front cover artwork by Mark Michael

SIZE A4 Unframed £50 | Framed: £70 | SIZE A3 Unframed £70 Framed £90 | SIZE A2 Unframed £85 Framed £110

SMUG MUGS. Comes with free handle! Just add spoon to cause a stir.

One for every SMUG issue. Collect the set. £10 each 242


You?

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Would you miss us if we were gone? SMUG exists because those who contribute to it want to keep the place we love ‘real’. So as not to dilute SMUG’s effectiveness, we do not include adverts in our content pages, leaving our writers free to investigate and satirise without bowing to external pressures, but also unfortunately restricting the revenue we need to print SMUG. A lot of time and hard work (sob, sob, nudge, nudge, wink, wink) goes into producing SMUG. All the contributors do so because we care about our home. If you enjoy SMUG, please help to make its future more secure by donating with glorious abandon via our website ‘Donate’ button. You’ll get a sound night’s sleep and a clear conscience?* Thank you.

*Clear conscience obviously dependent on number and depth of past indiscretions.

SMUG VACANCY ALL-IN-ONE SUPER PERSON

SMUG magazine urgently needs a mar eting sales mer handising undraising ad ertising am aign person.

ADVERTISE in SMUG If you like SMUG and have a business to advertise, we reserve our inside front and back covers for you. Your business will take centre stage.

Contact: editor@smugwinchester.com She’d love to hear from you.

Please apply to editor@smugwinchester.com

SMUG magazine has urgent vacancy for proof-reader. No prospects, no salary, no reward, but opportunity to gloat over others’ mistakes. Apply in person to editor SMUG magazine.

Awarded to individuals, companies and institutions for excelling in any of the following: mind-boggling incompetence, bullying, promise breaking or simply behaving in a general plonker-like way. SEND in your nomination NOW, along with a brief description of why you think your nomination merits the prize to: editor@smugwinchester.com

ARE YOU UN-SMUG ENOUGH TO WRITE FOR SMUG We warmly welcome for consideration satirical news items, cartoons, poems, spoof adverts, pieces of investigative journalism, features or ideas for columns - anything, in fact, so long as it ignites debate or provokes a therapeutic smile of recognition, a giggle or a guffaw. Send to: editor@smugwinchester.com Contributor’s details are withheld from publication unless requested otherwise. If you wish to ensure complete anonymity, please post, unsigned, to SMUG editor, The Tree House, Staple Gardens, Winchester SO23 8SR. We reserve the right to edit letters and contributions for reasons of clarity, space and/or legal requirements.

SMUG ANGELS You know who you are THANK YOU

CONTACT SMUG SMUG EDITORIAL Fancy contributing? editor@smugwinchester.com

ORDER NEXT ISSUE OF SMUG Order at: www.smugwinchester.com Enquiries: editor@smugwinchester.com

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Issue.8 2018

SMALL ADS Revolutionary bricks

COURSES

For all the dispossessed and despicables of Winchester, your chance to subvert the system. Carry your own revolutionary comfy brick, available here [you fill this bit out , then you can sit on the wall outside King’s Walk just like the good old days. Simply place this solid foam block between the anti-sitting bricks and Only £5.99 Or £10 for 2 for extra comfort. lounge at your ease.

FUTURE EYES with Future-Eyes master Gong Olaf Nixon

Gong Olaf looking up at something

WORKSHOPS

Embrace the Past to Hug the Future Monday 10th November 7pm - 7:20pm, 50p Live the Moment! Live it Well! Live it Now!! Right Now!!! Right Now, in the Moment!! Monday 10th November 7.20pm - 7:30pm, 50p Gong Olaf is a soul coach, Future-Eyes therapist, sound healer, energy worker, fleece maker and piss taker. He has been working with the future, past and present in a variety of ways for nearly over about 10 weeks. To place an advert email ads@smugwinchester.com Small ads £3 per word £15 centred box. Box adverts full colour: 1/16 page - £50, 1/8 page - £80, 1/4 page - £150, 1/2 page - £175, full page standard - £300, full page inside front/back cover gloss - £350

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Thought for the Day “We all may be wrong.”

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Your brown paper bag, under the counter mag

INSIDE

Suicide Note of SMUG editor Wintonian secret sect revealed

£3.50 at least

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Issue.9 2020 Issue.9 2020

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Issue.9 2020

Scouting movement to introduce bespoke badges for Winchester “Everyone wants the very best start in life for their children.” Bespoke Winchester Badges

A SMUG exclusive by Laden Power

E

VER since Lord Baden-Powell founded the movement in 190 , the mission of the Scouts has been to prepare young people with skills for life. This week campaigners in Winchester won their fight for special “Winchester Exclusive” badges, by pointing out that the life skills required in this very special, ancient and socially aspirational city are unique to anywhere else in the country, with the possible exception of Eton Riverside. We caught up with the driving force behind this new initiative, former Tawny Owl and leader of NOBS the New Original Badge Society .

NOBs - New Original Badge Society Speaking from her double fronted, five bedroom ictorian property in St Cross, Bunty Talbot-Jarvis is keen to impress on me that there is no snobbery involved. “It’s not that we NOBS think that, as Wintonians, we are necessarily better than people from more unfortunate areas. It’s just that our children will inevitably move in a different sphere to someone from, say, Manchester. It’s wonderful that they are teaching underprivileged youngsters how to cook noodles and fix a bike, it’s just those skills aren’t really necessary here.”

With a clear expectation that Winchester children will go into a career either in medicine, law or The City, parents were keen that they got a good solid grounding in the important aspects of life from a young age. “Everyone wants the very best start in life for their child,” emphasises Bunty, “which is why we are raising them in Winchester.”

t

ot t t we NOBs think that Wintonians are better..

While some believe that the new Scouting Movement is not inclusive enough, Bunty is anxious to point out that community spirit is still very much at the heart of what the NOBS set out to achieve. “We are introducing an outreach program for those outside the Waitrose catchment area. Scouts will hand-pick items not available in other supermarkets and deliver them on segways. They will also be patrolling the city’s parks checking for litter and Northerners.”

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Kitchen extension badge Driveway badge Latin badge Segway badge Dining out badge Skiing badge Boden badge Sushi badge En suite badge Sommelier Badge Lawn bowls badge Harpsichord badge Mandarin badge Blue Peter Gold Badge badge Mummy wears Sweaty Betty badge


Issue.9 2020

smugwinchester.com

Bar End earmarked for new retail store

5

Knife crime in Winchester on the rise

“Parents to blame” claims chairwoman of parliamentary group on knife crime.

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS

@smugw

Nick Pick Commercial Correspondent DISCOUNT retailer-of-everything The Range has announced the opening of a new store at Bar End. Chief Development, Expansion and Growth officer, Ms. Ink, presented plans to local residents in a packed meeting last Thursday. Enthused Ms. Ink, “The site we have earmarked is currently occupied by Winchester’s bespoke recycling facility ‘The Old Tip’ and provides immense potential for our operation, with almost zero capital outlay. In fact, we plan to simply change the signs. Let’s face it, the stuff Winchester throws out is what everyone else buys new.” Local resident Ernest Clever is not happy about the development: “I’ve been buying my computer monitors, glass coffee tables and golf clubs at The Old Tip since it opened at the start of capitalism. Once The Range moves in it’ll be nothing but higher prices and cinder toffee at the checkout.”

t e ot i ut high prices and cinder to ee t t e c ec out However, not everyone disagrees with the new store. Cherise Button 2 is thrilled: “This is just what Bar End needs. As a mature student studying for a BA in Art, Pets, Clothes, Sweets and urniture at the University of Winchester, I shall be making good use of the Range’s facilities.”

A REPORT commissioned by the parliamentary group on knife crimes has revealed that knife crime in Winchester has increased by 20 since last year. Winchester MP Steve Brine has likened the rise in knife crime to a ‘disease’ and has created a task force to tackle the issue.

Knife crime is not something we will tolerate.. “Knife crime,” says the new task force leader Teresa Cucillo, “is not something we will tolerate in Winchester and we ask anyone who suspects their children or siblings to report them before it is too late.” Proposed solutions have ranged from the severe to the outlandish, but most seem to gloss over the fundamental causes of knife related crimes. Explains the head of the new task force, “It’s easy to blame the influence of nearby Eastleigh for the rise, or isolate it to those segments of society that frequent places like Winchester Rants. But the truth of the matter is that the greatest rise of knife crime has been recorded in middle and upper-middle class families. “Causes include a lack of discipline at home, a lowering of standards and defiant children refusing to follow the rules. The root of the problem, however, appears to be ignorance of the rules.

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On the back of the findings, the task force has published the following guidelines to ‘inform and educate’ parents so they can no longer use ignorance as an excuse for their children’s behaviour.

Government uide i e for parents When presented with two knives, always start with the one placed on the outside. Don’t stab your food. Always use serving utensils to serve yourself, not your personal silverware. Don’t gesture with your knife. Only ever cut one piece of food at a time. When you pause during eating but have not finished, the knife and fork are placed in the “resting position” with the knife placed on the right side of the plate in the 4 o’clock position, blade in, and the fork placed on the left side in the o’clock position, tines up. This alerts your waiter that you’re not finished.


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Issue.9 2020

Winchester City Council to Winchester introduce ‘Timely Shopper’ Film Festival permits for Christmas accused of New permit to include priority services in pubs and restaurants. depicting real life Timely Shopper Permit

Mark Commode M

REAL NEWS OR FAKE NEWS

P

RE-COVID-19 CHRISTMAS 2019 was another bumper year for visitors to Winchester, and a great time was enjoyed by most. The City Council, however, received a record number of complaints from the so-called ‘Timely Shoppers’ - people who had completed all their Christmas preparations before the end of September, with presents wrapped, cards in their envelopes ready to be posted on 1st December, and all festive food ordered for timely home delivery. Despite their foresight, however, timely shoppers know they cannot plan for unpredictable events such as urgent appointments or the surprise arrival of unexpected Christmas guests. Such eventualities might thus necessitate a visit to the city and endurance of Christmas queues, car parking problems and general delays.

t u t ot i have to stand in line with all the morons Complained one Timely Shopper, ‘I’m all ready for Christmas every summer, so if I’m forced to visit the city during the festive season, it’s just not fair that I have to stand in line with all the morons who haven’t even thought about it until the last minute ’

In response to such objections, the City Council proposes to issue ‘Timely Shopper’ permits to cover the 2021 Christmas period. To be eligible, Wintonians will have to prove that their Christmas preparations had been completed by 31st September 2021.

Permit Holder Entitlements PERMISSION to park anywhere without payment – including on pavements. RESERVED seats on public transport. WARDENS allocated to walk in front of permit holders with batons to disperse dawdling pedestrians. SHOP STAFF and stall holders designated to corral other customers and allow permit holders free access to aisles and tills. PRIORITY service in pubs and restaurants. REQUESTS or s e ifi songs or tunes to be relayed to buskers.

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critic

ORGANISERS of the Winchester ilm estival faced criticism this week from movie goers and politicians alike. Postponed until May 2021, the annual film festival that screens films selected from over 0 countries across the globe in diverse Winchester-based venues has been accused of depicting real life. One seasoned member of the local culturati complained that, ‘This harsh reality and mirror holding just will not do Here in Winchester world heritage site we live inside an ber-gezellig bubble. We make Tolkien’s Shire look like Homs on a particularly tough day. Everyone here feels cuddled and wealthy. We are chosen and deservedly so. There’s no place for bad things.

e e o ce o bad things. “Last year’s event was full of bad people doing bad things and these bad things are still inside our heads and making us think that maybe the world outside of Winchester has some badness in it. This simply will not do. Imagine trying to enjoy a Christmas while carrying the memory of a bad thing around with you. It’s just not on.” Councillor Bernard Clothes has established a Working Party Task Steering Group and charged it with organising a much better cinema event from now on. Initial plans involve a week of simultaneous multiple public screenings of Frozen and The Railway Children.


Issue.9 2020

It’s a Fishy Foodie Up and Under!

Local discount greengrocer Baldi has recently extended its car parking facility. The additional much needed 140 spaces have been created by installing a 30 degree car ramp by goods inward, then tunnelling directly into the neighbouring Whiterose store’s existing car park. Baldi chief stacking technician Carl Hoodly hopes the new capacity will bring an enhanced customer experience to Winchester’s cheap ‘n’ nasty food outlet. When quizzed he explained, “Some of our upper middle-class patrons have found themselves having to scowl at fellow shoppers when fighting for parking spots. They enter our store slightly more frowny than usual which can affect their shopping experience and our profits. Let’s face it, they don’t want to be in Baldi anyway and even the newly imposed 3000 items hour checkout speed and charity voting tokens have done little to address the problem.”

SMUG

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SLOW WET

The VC comes to le SWT! IN AN E CITING NEW development, Slow Wet Trains today announced a major new service for tipsy commuters. Le Chef de Grand Controllee announced: “ve are launching our new IP C service for late-night commuters. Or should I say, ommuters ”. The mystical M. Controllee went on to explain: “Our 12:0 am service is now to be know as ze C Express.” He further enlightened: “zis is ze new omet Comet service for commuters who like a bit of ze, you know, tipple, of an evening”. The new express will allow commuters who have had what he called a “skinful” to relax and end their evening with a SWT plastic bag, for “you know, ze technicouleur yawn”.

C bags are to be provided for vommuters at a special bargain price of 10 per full bag. In a special deal with fast food outlets at Waterloo, vommuters can purchase a fast food meal deal for a further 2 , and save on the vommuter bag if they spew before Woking. C guards were today said to be impressed with their brand new all-over plastic suits, provided in readiness for anticipated heavy demand. The marketing department at SWT are already hard at work on a campaign, aimed at younger commuters: “The omet Comet. It’s sick.”

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Komputer Kor ner Kwestions and answers about common challenges faced by Wintonia’s computer users, and handy tips for the novice and expert alike.

Dear Komputer Korner, ’ve been trying to nd a onderful website that I visited last week. It was called www.quiltingquilts.com or something very similar. I tried looking in browser history but it’s completely empty. My husband explained to me that it is very important to erase internet usage history daily, and sometimes several times a day, so it looks like our computer has developed a mind of its own! All be it a very tidy one! Please help Komputer Korner! Can you nd my bro ser history? Janet from Winnall Komputer Korner Solution?! Hi Janet, Yes this is a common problem faced by many of our clients and their husbands. We suggest you ask your husband to investigate the issue and attempt to recover the deleted history. It’s easily done and we’re sure he knows how. We suggest you sit with him as he does this so that you will know exactly what to do next time.

Dear Komputer Korner, to do once I’ve I want to know what m of the mouse moved my mouse to botto nding arrow po res mat. I can see the cor T monitor but CR my wn rests half way do move any further I simply cannot get it to come to the edge because the mouse has of the mat. Ray from Oliver’s Battery ion?! Komputer Korner Solut ve looked into Hi Ray! Our experts ha recommend we this issue for you and use mat, place mo er oth an ase you purch and continue e it under your existing on downward a in moving your mouse see the arrow direction. You should progress. We continue its hoped for ts currently ma have a selection of mouse foot. Each bic cu r pe available at £9.99 s e ifi add on one is designated as a your existing (left, right, up, down) for mat onfiguration.

Issue.9 2020

Dear Komputer Korner, I’d just like to applaud Microsoft India for their timely and wholly unexpected intervention and advice received by phone last week. Who would have no n that a virus had in ltrated my online banking passwords. They did! Thank you so much Microsoft India for your free support. Janet from Winnal

Dear Komputer Korner, I am looking for a piece of software to permanently erase any deleted les, bro ser histories etc omething that even GCHQ couldn’t piece back together. I’m willing to pay several thousand pounds for such a piece of software. Please. Derek from Winnall Komputer Korner Solution?! Sorry Derek, I’m afraid this kind of software is only available to security personnel and cyber-forensic teams.

Dear Komputer Korner, I’ve lost my fucking dissertation! It’s fucking gone! I thought autosave was on but there’s no fucking previous versions. Oh Christ, it’s hand in tomorrow. Why does this always happen to me every hand in day. Please help me KK, I can’t have deleted it, can ? Alisha from Winchester University Komputer Korner Solution?! Hi again Alisha, good to hear from you so soon after last handin. If you remember what we told you and your parents in May, you actually have to do the assignments. You can’t cry wolf and blame the technology. Just get off your arse and do some (fucking) work.

Recovering data and doing ctrl-alt-del for Wintonia since 2019 252


Issue.9 2020

smugwinchester.com

9

Beemer Bigend Motoring correspondent

Odour Winchester City council announces ambitious plans to lower pollution levels in the city

City tackles traffic in roundabout way WINCHESTER City Council has announced a major shake-up of road routes in the city centre in an effort to alleviate congestion. The current one-way system will be augmented by a roundabout around The Brooks Shopping Centre. Motorists frustrated by long queues will be able to drive round and round as many times as they want until either their way is clear or they have sufficiently calmed down.

u t ted oto i t i e e to d i e ou d d ou d ti e as they want.

WINCHESTER City Council has announced ambitious plans to lower pollution levels in the city. St George’s Street regularly tops the pollution league table for Hampshire, beating out unhealthy competition from Sewer Street in Andover and Effluvia Avenue in Basingstoke. However, from the year 2040 petrol and diesel cars will be banned from the city centre. A Council spokesman said: “This represents a major innovation in our forward-thinking strategy.

A Smug street vox-pop elicited a variety of views. Stallholder Giles Mount-Oliver said: “2040? Why exactly at twenty-tonine? These councillors haven’t a clue, have they?” Local resident Deirdre Standmoor commented:“It’ll be just like back in the 19 0’s. I love the 19 0s Maybe Woolworths will come back too.” The City Council Tourist Board is already on board. A spokeswoman said: “We are very excited by the Council’s forward-thinking strategy and are already planning our tiein campaign. Remember how successful our ‘wINCHester’ (‘explore every inch’) promotion was? Our new one will be headlined, ‘WinCHESTer: inhale our history without gagging!’

WinCHESTer: e ou i to it out i

This represents a o i o tio i ou forward-thinking strategy. The spokesman denied the accusation that the year 2040 had been chosen because it is the year the government has decreed that sales of petrol and diesel cars must cease. “Pure co-incidence. It just shows we are forward-thinking in our strategy and ahead of the curve.”

i cit

S e it out

e ou i

Admittedly, it needs work but we have 20 years to refine it.”

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In order to make better use of the Centre, the lower shopping level will be replaced by a further parking layer. This follows a survey which revealed that 40 of shoppers did not know there was a lower shopping level. The new upper upper parking level will have an interactive exhibition transporting shoppers back to a glorious age when Winchester was a charming city unblighted by architectural monstrosities such as the one they are standing in.

SMUG SMALL ADS Horse Pilates Come and join other horses at our weekly group. Develop Core Strength a strong back riendly environment Ample parking for your box egan Hay Snacks available Large toilet area Cr che for riders Led by a qualified horse Just turn up. Loose clothing recommended. No shoes. Call Brian, on a phone: 01962 HOR-SEY-FUN


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Issue.9 2020

Holy Grail spotted Barry Bull’s Blag List in Winchester “Historic discovery will secure Winchester’s bid for World Heritage status” promises City Council.

Nobel prize and Oscar-winning, BAFTA nominee and platinum selling polymath Sir Barry Bull OBE, MBE, shares his ‘words of wisdom’ with Smug readers so you can hold your own in any domainspecific conversation and make pseudointellectual contributions at any dinner party: This time:

Pretentious art criticism. Just say these at any grammatically appropriate point: Penny Drop SMUG Culture Correspondent LOCAL TRAFFIC WARDEN, Mark Spacey, claims to have spotted in Winchester the mythical Holy Grail coveted by millions of life’s weary travellers in search of a happy ending. “It’s in Tower Street,” divulged Mr Spacey. “If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself.” Winchester City Council have been quick to verify the authenticity of the discovery. Neighbouring councils, however, have denounced the news as a desperate attempt by Winchester to revamp its dwindling reputation as a world heritage destination after it emerged that the initials ‘HD’ on Winchester’s Round Table were not those of a mysterious 13th Knight of King Arthur’s court, but of local timber merchant Henry Dewson. One local skeptic also pointed out, “If the Holy Grail really is in Tower Street, why hasn’t someone just taken it?”

o

t i u ded winged beasts “Because it is guarded by winged beasts,” explained a local resident who

claims to speak from bitter experience. “Anyone who takes it will soon know what hit them.” One unwitting tourist did not heed the warning. “I was driving around for what seemed an eternity,” lamented Mr. Parker. “Then it just appeared out of nowhere and I took it without thinking. When I returned the next day my shiny blue car had miraculously turned white. That’s when it hit me, right on the top of my head. I looked up and there they were. Hundreds of rousting pigeons perched on the overhanging branches, shitting.” Still, it’s good news for future grail hunters. Local Polish entrepreneur, Ivan aparkowa , has set up an on-site pay though nose Wash, Wax alet service that promises to take away the pain of being shat on from above.

it

DISCLAIMER

SMUG categorically denies that this report is a thinly veiled advertorial for our new hilarious party board game Parking Debacle, branded as ‘the battle for real life’s holy grail a parking space.’ And if you don’t believe us, you can find out all about it at parkingdebacle.com

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Culture Context Meaning Juxtaposes Mediates Trope Idiom Celebrates Contradicts Oevre Semiotics Undermines

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Issue.9 2020

Vitrios the Scrutineer

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e e o e t e ei

BACK in 1962, in his book The Troubling of the City, the late Canon of Winchester Cathedral, Roger Lloyd, unleashed upon God’s favourite city a cohort of the devil called Vitrios. The mission of Roger Lloyd’s anti-hero was to turn Winchester into ‘a beautiful but dead ecclesiastical museum’ by publishing misinformation, fake news and half truths in the local newspaper of the time, The Scrutineer. Roger Lloyd was a devout soul and at the end of his novel, Vitrios was defeated by God in a celestial battle and subsequently brought to justice

d oi

o i

Catastrophe

ell now fellow Wintonians: Capitalism There’s a thing. And what an enthralling mistress of perpetual reinvention she is What a fine alchemy of intersubjunctive reality My very good friend Thomas Malthus 1 -1 34 , half-demon, economist and currently poised at my shoulder auditing each pen-stroke, bade me last week swing my journalistic lantern Capitalism’s way - to illuminate not only its shifting form, but also its cracks and crevices and its tiny, tiny crannies.

ou ite cit

e c

in a local heavenly court presided over by the spirit of St. Swithun. er fi ty odd years on, has re-invoked the spirit of Vitrios so that he may on e again in uen e the citizens of God’s favourite city. Only this time round Vitrios’ mission is not to turn Winchester into a beautiful but dead ecclesiastical museum, but to save it from becoming one.

“ itrios my friend,” he implored, “your duty to Wintonia lies straight and clear. Warn its citizens counsel them well Give them news of the coming disaster the Armageddon of Stuff ”

Capitalism

od

Thomas, my beloved doom-sayer, keeps our pseudo-intellectual society constantly a-snigger with his humorous and ever-shifting prophecies. irst one fake apocalypse then the next, each time Thomas squirming out from his erroneous predictions and hastily clamping on to the next. ‘Our species grows geometrically yet food production falls arithmetically A healthy populace will outpace the wheat and livestock from which it takes sustenance ’ he declared last week from the third step of the Buttercross. Poor Thomas then implored the passers-by to celibacy, infanticide and an early death, these ideas full declaring the stunted reach of his creative problem solving skill.

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Woe-monger Thomas is blind to the facts around him namely that our population continues to bulge and swell, lump by demographic lump, through constant innovation such as the Potted Noodle, the Maxi-Muscle Protein Bar Mint Cranberry and the Cod, frozen yet full ready for the Oven. These inventions set us Sapiens on a course of merry thrive, not a sorry decline as Thomas would have us think. Yet he simply shrugs off these truths and crafts for himself a different foretelling of catastrophe, heaving his keen and miserable eye upon another topic.

Blind Most recently, as evidenced by this current literary appeasement, Thomas holds worrisome of Capitalism that we too easily fall to the temptation of excessive ownership, and that we draw too ravenously at mother Earth’s generous teat.


Issue.9 2020

smugwinchester.com

But double wrong upon Thomas he is twice blind or he does not see that in the very nature of his latest deleterious muse is the solution to the former. Namely that Capitalism and its gluttonous offspring consumerism provides the engines which drive our species forward - unhindered by over population, meagre food supply or lack of shoes and handbags. Come with me Wintonians on a brief trail of sound logic that will empower your city strolls, open wide your plump wallets and ensure your tables remain warped with nourishment.

from other lands, buy maybe an antique typewriter, a dozen World War 2 shell casings, or a snap-together-non-glue wooden Titanic. ill your Kath Kiddingme status bags with artisan kumquat bread, a tin poster of James Dean or something made from sticks and buttons. You don’t need this stuff. But you think you want it as some externalisation of your fragile self. Deep down you know the rouse the thrill of new ownership is just as transitory as your fickle moods. But you must buy regardless.

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or withholding your consuming is the gravest sin. You prevent your money passing as it naturally should to the future blossoming of the human race. Buy or die

u o die vitrios@smugwinchester.com

Gorge If Thomas implores us remain a small and meek race, nibbling quietly here and there on our dwindling supplies of leaf and meat then Capitalism says gorge yourselves Drink deep and grasp wide at all the planet has to offer. ill your gut, your home and your mind with fayre you neither want nor need in exchange for loaned coin. The goods’ value themselves equating a mere fraction of the fee paid release vast amounts of pretend worth to fund Capitalism’s next fine projects, those of making more and more stuff. The message is clear, the rationale sound. A citizen full assimilated with Capitalism is a citizen of high moral substance. Wintonians who consume fund the future. Thrift kills. If you don’t buy pointless goods then children will die horrible deaths. How many ways do I need to say it? So at our local souk, enticed under the green striped awnings of the curious merchants

The ori ginal spin do ctor, one-dem on Daily M ail and oto u

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St Cross Word

Issue.9 2020

“You say”

Should build skating rink Are youthey sad to seeathe demise of magazine? at Smug Bar End?

NatashaStJetski, home nurse, Ruskin John, 25, 70, Care Retired. “Oh myriddance god! That would be sorag! fantastic! “Good I say. Bloody I’ll I wouldn’t to take– my little Katrina stick to Thehave Chronicle a decent paper all the way to Southampton at three with proper in-depth journalism and in the morning to training.” coverage of do jamher competitions.”

Across 1 The crew sin again in Smug’s city 10 6 Existence of new file 4 10 Ken has im - an assignment for the world’s best quizzer , 11 Hot drink for 12 in song and found in pot each 3 12 If ‘owt goes wrong then cardinal number shows up 3 14 Could be rd. for sale - road running by the Golden Lion in 1a 9 18 Some of Hillier’s bloomers feature in Davro’s escapade 20 Agitator trice in explosion 21 Clean ad. arranged for S.I. unit of luminous intensity 23 Approving marks on deer perhaps 25 You may see this county in Isabella de Beauchamp’s hired car 9 27 Exploitation of Sue’s letters 3 31 Drinking establishment in first half of 1a road out to M3J10 3 32 More care put around to get a description of the age we’re in ,3 34 Adjudge at the starts of damnably enjoyable Everyman movie 4 35 lint choir adapted to famous 1a thespian , Down 1 Why it makes new boy in 1a college 10 2 Naive not to have the centre for part of the Cathedral 4

3 Cards held by stable worker 4 4 Alarm signal initially seen in flags oscillation 1,1,1 5 Chelmsford hides these trees 4 7 Old time sin again when present at this George Street institution 2,4,4 8 Aged badly with an expression of surprise 4 9 Renter not starting to move in 13 Ordinal number for hut process 15 Care source arranged for equine sports site 10 16 Unending test running back for this group 3 17 Leave town when PC made different arrangement 19 Put on train bus company 10 22 Sun from east to west represents attendees at 33 1,1,1 24 Mark’s initially found in someone’s premium easy-clean kitchen 26 Bade again to be in a place of repose 4 28 Modest or sincere on-line abbreviation initially found in centre of trim home 1,1,1,1 29 Part of a tree in the middle of knowledgeable afterthoughts 4 30 To be erotic has ginger or draught type of this perhaps 4 33 Briefly 1a educational institute formerly informally called King Alf’s 3

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Pip Trumpington-Barker-Marsh, 28, No! Giles Tiffintime, 60, Historian, “No! Estate “Oh to mysee god! don’t blocked know No! I Agent. don’t want theIroads what estate agents. I with they’ve cars fullgot of against noisy little Torvill and believe helditWinchester back from one Deans. it’s Leave as it is – Somewhere receiving the ‘Best Theold Universe can take one’s dogPlace for a In good romp.” To Live’ award.”

MaxineArkwright, Factor, 30, 73, Sales, “It’s about“If Hakim Newsagent. time thewants council did something for the anyone a back issue, my recycling everyday Winchester. There skip is fullpeople to the of very brim, please justwas no where to goPS when I was a kid - only help yourself. we’re doing a ‘two fora bus deal’ shelter.” one on Pot Noodles.”

Shane Hojy, reincarnated, Cosmic Dave Amps, 45, Electrician, “Don’tBus give Driver. It’s a sad, sad day always a toss nipper. As long as Iman. don’tIthave to made meit.” laugh, like farting in a lift man – pay for a bit naughty but funny man.”


WINCHESTER DISTRICT EDITION Issue.9 2020

VILLAGERS

CHRONICLE

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Long Barn Shopper horrified to find product not containing lavender

The name’s Bond... Binky Bond Page 1

NEXT ISSUE: NOTHING ISBN:34520592534

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smugpress

Spring 2020

LUSH Binky 007 No Hope Provider

PEGINS SECONDARY SCHOOL headmaster, Dai Davies, moved to Alresford from Wales in 2019 with a clear agenda of winning more accolades within the teaching community. He had successfully turned around a local comprehensive in Merthyr Tydfil from a previously held Ofsted rating of ‘No Hope’ to ‘Some Hope’ in a three year window. Something unheard of before in Welsh education. “To be honest like,” stated Dai in a candid interview with Smug, “I moved down by yere thinking that it would be great for me to add a Tory held district to my C but you just couldn’t compare Alresford schools to the ones in the arleys back home. The local kids were just like, so nice ?

e oc id e e u t like, so nice. “Their parents had obviously worked very hard to afford them a position in a catchment area with a school that already had an Ofsted rating of outstanding and not being funny, I was never going to win an award for turning a school around when there was nothing wrong with it in the first place. .“So I extended the catchment area to include parts of Basingstoke. Now we have three bus loads of the little blighters coming in every day. Bullying is up, crime is up, grades are down and we’ve lost some of our best teachers. Tidy. Give it a few years and I’ll reel ‘em all in. Yes, maybe a generation of kids will not get the education they deserve but you don’t get awards without collateral damage. Lush”.

Binky quits UKIP for acting The Name’s Bond...Binky Bond. Or that’s the plan according to Binky Bear who quit his role as MP for UKIP for acting. In this letter to Pinewood Studios, leaked to us by Binky himself, all is revealed. Dear Pinewood Studios, I’ve decided to submit my application for the position of Bond now that Daniel Craig has finally stated that this will be his last outing as Ian leming’s classic character. It’s been speculation for a long time that the character would take a change of direction after Craig’s departure so I would like to pitch this to you as an option. The opening scene defines Bond films and this will be no different. Our hero Binky Bond is in deepest Bavaria tracking the beautiful German Spy Pandala Merkel. She is deep under cover as a dancing bear working her way to EU headquarters after getting her hands on the leaked Post Brexit Make Britain Great Again Plan. Binky Bond first catches up with her at the Belgium border where a fight transpires. Pandala is accompanied by two large Brown Hench-Bears who try to give our hero a grizzly end. “Keep a Steiff upper lip Bond” shouts the spy as she makes her escape. At this point we meet Binky Bond’s love interest for the first time. There’s a train ride to enice and a boat chase through the canals during which she is killed off and Binky Bond becomes determined, gritty and offers the audience his trademark 1000yd stare that you only get with painted glass eyes. Binky Bond’s trademark 1000yd stare that you only get with painted glass eyes.

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Binky returns to London to face a grilling from ‘M’ because the building of the wall in Dover is now in jeopardy. Binky Bear is issued with a raft of kit from Q and sent to track down the mole in Whitehall and Criminal Mastermind behind the world organisation “Movement for Arming, Alarming Defeating” or ‘Marmalade’ for short. Nobody has seen the face of the arch criminal but Binky finds and destroys his headquarters in London only for the head of Marmalade to escape on the 3:1 to Bristol Temple Meads which catches the whole MET out by leaving on time from platform 1. The finale sees our hero in his 19 4 Aston, lost near Swindon as it doesn’t have Sat Nav but announcing that he will be triumphant in the sequel. So, there you have it. Scripted and ready to go. Please phone my PA and we can arrange to talk about the extensive merchandising that can come from this venture. Am I excited...Yes Can I do this...Yes I look forward to hearing from you. Regards, Binky.


smugwinchester.com

1

Issue.9 2020

Council decides to reset city ‘a bit like the Cotswolds’

W

ITH the Lib Dems and and Conservatives bed swapping, the air quality killing thousands by the day, the threat of flooding meaning the only real inward investment is from sandbag salespeople, and the never ending relentless negativity about the city on Winchester rants from feckless unemployed types who spend their feral lives desperately trying to put together a coherent acebook post on their second-hand Samsungs, the council this week made a brave decision. Said a spokesperson sipping from a Costa coffee drive-through cup non-recyclable , “We’re starting again, it just isn’t working. We were going to rebuild a lot of it anyway, but the archaeology keeps getting in the way, and Cllr Gottleib now owns a fair lump of the city centre and we’re just sick of dealing with him, we really can’t be arsed anymore. So we’re just going to level the place and move it to Bushfield Camp.

“Critically, the new leisure centre can have a ski slope down to St Cross so all the spoilt rich arsonist brats from Winchester College can practise for their winter holidays in Aspen.

The Downside

“There will be some downsides. We’ll lose Alfred of course, but we can replace him with a continuously changing display of how the Silver Hill Central Regeneration Saxon Gate might look like pending subsequent judicial reviews ad infinitum , and regrettably we’ll lose the offensively drunk local characters in Abbey Gardens who are too disorientated to make it up the hill and will eventually just fall in the river and get washed down to Eastleigh, so our loss is their STD clinic’s gain. “We’ll try to move the Buttercross, but that’s purely to see if we can provoke another riot as we’ve not had one since 190 so we think that’ll be a useful distraction from what we’re up to. “We’re also running a sweepstake on when it will happen. The winner gets lifetime membership to UNISON and a voucher to The Ivy.

e e c t be arsed anymore

The Upside

“This does have advantages. Commuters can see the M3 so they can make an informed decision as to whether to try and make it to work or ‘work from home’ LOL , the land is high up so it won’t flood, but we will pump the river up here as people really liked the idea of an open river again in Middle Brook Street like the Cotswolds, and it’s close to Stanmore so the cleaners can still come round and wipe Jermey’s snot from the bedstead.

Priorities

“Obviously, this will be a huge task for the council, so our first priority will be state of the art council offices complete with R suite for the Cllrs so they can

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persuade themselves they’re doing a good job, adjacent to an euthanasia suite for when they’re not, and an excrement canon so all the council officer’s waste, complete with free trade organic sweetcorn, can be fired off down to Portsmouth Harbour. “To further enhance the environmental credentials of the development, solar panels will be installed to capture the sunlight shining out of the resident’s arses, and a wind turbine at the station to capture the wind generated from all the copies of the Telegraph being waved around at Winchester Station to protect people’s personal space between .0 and . am. It will also capture all the snorts of self-righteous indignation subsequently generated by reading the comment pieces.” In a separate recycling scheme also announced today by a token spokeswoman, dog mess from around the flats in the Winnal estates will be posted back through the bastard owner’s letterboxes.” When asked for further detail, the spokesperson was unable to provide anything specific, but when pressed did confirm they had mostly been focused on having a nice office, and not having to deal with the Jcn 9 improvements as it was “bad enough having to deal with the London commuters who treat Winchester like a hotel, then just bitch about the fact it isn’t as good as London when they are here at the weekends clogging up the coffee shops drinking skinny lattes, wankers...


Issue.9 2020

smugwinchester.com

Vitrios the Scrutineer

ti e e eo e the beings and goings on i od ou ite cit

Planning Permission Well now fellow Wintonians: Planning permission. Here’s a thing. And what a fascinating object of corrupt beauty it is. May I share with you a little of my arcane knowledge of this very topic. May I build up (heh, heh) your familiarity of its quirks and loopholes; may I offer to you a hidden truth that may ease the toil of rightfully extending one’s property.

Loophole Did you know my friends, according to The Perpetuities and Accumulations Act of 19 4, amended 2009 Section 2.1 a , it shall be presumed that a male can have a child at the age of fourteen years or over, but not under that age, and that a female can have a child at the age of twelve years or over, but not under that age or over the age of fty ve years ‘What truck with fence and hedge incursions onto my weakling neighbour’s plot?’ I hear you cry. This I hail back to you: womb-leverage Leverage if you may, a child from your spouse’s womb at age such things are known and done these days through pipes and hormones and will power alone and that miracle offspring shall n’ere be subject to English Law What a useful and worthwhile child that would be or according to the statute noted above, the lady could NOT have birthed such a functional unit being a whole year in excess of the stated limit , thereby the little mite cannot exist, lest not under the critical eye of the courts.

or Christmas, birthdays and trips to Alresford, maybe, and in these instances bestowed a level of visibility and a melodious, if compliant voice. But in matters legal he may act as he pleases or as you direct without fear of censure, prosecution or imprisonment.

In matters legal he may act as he pleases (or as ou di ect it out e o ce u e o ecutio o imprisonment. A compelling yet fanciful project I hear you retort? No my friends, for this very scheme already plays out within our city walls and herein shall I present its details with regard to a planning event once, yet no longer contended. Then you may consider for yourselves if a similar arrangement may benefit your own particular circumstance regarding a proposed property expansion.

Balcony A Mr Tredgehole, whose estate extends four parts of five behind our wretched city mill with its ‘Otter Watch Cam’ and ‘Come Grind With Us’ experience weekends, intended no small expansion of his freehold to variously enlarge, overhang and undermine said mill the extensions being for combined purposes of, first, conservatory second, balcony and lastly of underground parking area with integral steam room. Now, forays into the initial design attracted a certain wrath from the mill trustees resulting in defacement of the laminated orange notice which proudly announced the proposed works: ‘Keep your fucking balcony out of our back yard. Cunt,’ he found scribed there one morning in a somewhat inelegant yet cursive hand. Tredgehole, being of sound grammar, was slight mollified by the accurate spelling and punctuation contained in this imperative and its final nominative , yet smarting and affronted by the act itself, took to the library and discovered therein the very process to which I allude.

Womb leverage

ecu d His wife, full party to the plan and even of years yet 0 and remained fecund and feisty and keen for impregnation via a system of tubes, incantations and positive growth mindset thinking.

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Quickly she fell to Adam’s fertile, if aged seed, and nine months hence a child invisible to English law was born. Tredgehole swiftly assigned himself power of attorney to act on the child’s behalf, then had the infant submit a hasty revision to the original planning design. The courts, blindsided by such wit and stealth could call on no higher power Winchester now sailing an independent ship and bereft of English union to oppose the scheme and permission was swiftly granted. And there we have it a pattern as cunning as it is legal an endeavour gaily vaulting the pointless miz-maze of local planning by-laws. A system reliant wholly on structures and practices already laid out before the good folks of this city.

Balcony So, fear not the orange laminated sign the public hearing, the irate neighbour defiling your lofty schemes with his small-minded objections.

itu idd e e to the minions who ou d cu e o aspirations. Lift up thy aged wife’s skirts then raise a single middle finger to the minions who would curb a fellow’s aspirations of a larger drawing room or selling it off as flats along Chilbolton Avenue. Go well Wintonians, deserved of every square foot upon which you lay your cunning hands.

SMUG SMALL ADS WANTED MORE TIME

Please, I can get you the remaining six grand I can, seriously mate. Look, I’ve got a shipment coming in this week. Cash payment. I can settle with you. Yeah, I know, I said that last time. But this is different. I promise. Just give me another 24 hours.

WANTED MORE SPACE

More space to write my personal ad. At £10/line I can’t exactly afford the space to say everything that I wa


STRAIGHT STRAIGHT SMUG SMUG

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Issue.9 2020

Post Now series: No.3

Post-PostModernism et S Post Now series aims to o ide i ictu e ie o where we are and where we might be going. In this last one, professor Alec Charles ponders on what comes after post-anything.

I

sn’t it just so postmodern? It’s a phrase you might overhear, in grandiloquent tones, at the bar of one of Wintonia’s swankier watering holes. But, when we talk of postmodernity, our sense of what we mean by that term seems about as consistent as Alanis Morissette’s understanding of the word ‘irony’. So let’s put it this way. The postmodern signals the depthless materialism typified by the likes of Ronald Reagan or Ronald McDonald, playful to the point of meaninglessness, a conspicuous and charismatic individualism which affords value and distinction to nothing.

et e i e

Postmodernity is a socio-economic pyramid scheme founded upon an innate and well-veiled recognition of its own worthlessness. It’s the difference between the zealotry of the Taliban and that of Tony Blair. The eternal presentism of postmodernity is as uninterested in its history as its legacy. It doesn’t ask where its fetishized commodities came from or how long they’ll last. It’s like Primark or TK Maxx. It’s the Brooks Shopping Centre without a Waterstones. By contrast, postmodernism as a perspective of art, philosophy and sociology exposes and explores that very superficiality. It denounces the claims to their own natural authenticity of consumer capital and post-industrial technology. It promotes relativist and pluralist positions. In the histories of Michel oucault, it challenged the established relations of truth, knowledge and power. In the philosophy of Jean- ran ois Lyotard,

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it revealed the demise of the profound grand narratives of science and epistemology. In the silkscreen prints of Andy Warhol, it exploded the glamour of celebrity as a mode of commodification as empty as any other. In cinema, such films as A Clockwork Orange, Blade Runner, Mulholland Drive and Inception bore witness to the shallow enchantments of contemporary realities. In literature, it gave us cyber-punk and attested the unbearable lightness of being.

i c e te it

e

Yes, you know Kev: the chap who plies his al fresco magazine trade every day on the High Street, even as he decries and deconstructs the quality of his own wares. And it’s also, of course, epitomized in the paradox of this sordid publication itself: pricking the pomposity of the notion that its hometown’s pomposity is worth such pricks.


Issue.9 2020

The echo chamber

Where postmodernism appears relentlessly sceptical, postmodernity seems remorselessly cynical. Or almost remorselessly. or isn’t there a sadness even a glimmer of shame in the eyes of the two Ronalds, those most postmodern of late capitalism’s clowns? Deep down, don’t we all know and don’t they know themselves that what they’re peddling is just so much shit? Yet as if this wasn’t appalling enough we’ve now passed beyond that almost remorseless cynicism into a brand of cynicism which seems sited beyond any possibility of remorse at all. In the early 19 0s, the postmodernist thinker Jean Baudrillard argued that we were entering a world which was no longer real, a virtual landscape, a simulated reality, the realm of what he called the simulacrum the reflection of a reflection of a reflection the copy of a copy of a copy one whose original object we have long since lost. We don’t live in the world, but in our map of it. We inhabit an advertisement for reality rather than that reality itself.

We inhabit an advertisement for reality rather than that of reality itself In his 200 reflection upon the War on Terror, The Intelligence of Evil, Baudrillard welcomed us to ‘the desert of the real’. He was here referring to Slavoj i ek’s 2002 account of 9 11, Welcome to the Desert of the Real. i ek’s book took its title from a line from the 1999 film The Matrix which in turn took the phrase from the opening of Baudrillard’s seminal 19 1 work Simulacra and Simulation a copy of which is also seen in the Wachowskis’ movie . When everything is merely an echo, we end up, almost unwittingly, quoting ourselves. Barely a trace of the genuine article remains. Shortly before his death in 200 , however, Baudrillard came to suggest that we now inhabited a new reality, an absolutely real realm, one which had forgone even the slightest memory of authenticity and therefore any awareness of its own inauthenticity, and which could no longer recognize the difference between the material and the virtual one which no longer had any need to be true because nothing any longer stood opposed to it. The simulacrum was no longer visible because it was all we could now see.

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The entire western world had thus transformed into its own mass-mediated image. It would be like a small English cathedral city turning into a tourist industry version of itself, bereft of real material being. It’s as if we came to believe our own PR. The nation and the language were invented here. isit the ancient realm of Wintonia. Because there’s nothing else here, and because there’s nowhere else.

The nation and t e u e were invented here. Visit the ancient realm of Wintonia. Pipped at the post There have been several points at which the postmodern paradigm has, in this way, appeared to shift into a greater absurdity sometimes dubbed post postmodernity. The fall of the Berlin Wall in 19 9 prompted rancis ukuyama to announce the end of history. Baudrillard suggested that the Gulf War and, later, 9 11 and the War on Terror were not historical events, but, falling outside the logic and momentum of history, were pseudo-events which existed only as the simulacra of the electronic mass media. The overwhelming unreality of reality television and the antisocial ubiquity of social media have similarly underpinned the construction of our post-material world. The triumph of unreason known as Brexit also hasn’t helped. And Wexit would just make things worse. This then is the world of the post postmodern. It is the world of those grinning, duplicitous zealots without the merest hints of remorse in their soulless eyes: the world of Donald Trump, ladimir Putin and Boris Johnson of Kim Kardashian and PewDiePie of Breitbart and InfoWars of Mark uckerberg and Elon Musk and indeed, some might say, of certain local councillors we should refrain to name. It’s a world in which the Glitterati and Twitterati can vilify their enemies as crooks, liars and paedophiles. It’s a world whose wealth-laden tsars of corporate surveillance are lauded as the selfless saviours of freedom and democracy they shamelessly style themselves to be.

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It’s a culture in which public figures lie blatantly, and with apparent impunity, about, for example, securing the funds to revitalize a public health service or to take their own company private about not sleeping with porn stars and not sending assassins to the city of Salisbury. Just as Wintonia’s Great Hall boasts that it hosts ‘King Arthur’s Round Table’ and just as they know we know it’s not true - so the Kremlin’s agents could barely suppress their smirks while they waxed lyrical as to their enthusiasm for medieval cathedral spires.

et

et e i e

Certain right-wing commentators have suggested that the relativism of postmodernist thinkers may be held responsible for the emergence of a culture in which truth no longer matters and in which nobody believes in anything anymore. But that’s to mistake the nature of the problem. The actual problem is that evidence and reason no longer form the basis of the truth claims made by those would-be demagogues who promote systems of absolute and unquestioning belief. Postmodernism didn’t create the reality-T -star-and-social-mediacelebrity-turned-president, the ranting and irrational hatemonger shown by the Washington Post to have averaged more than five lies each day of his first year in office but it warned us he was on his way. Donald Trump’s rise to power seems in these terms the latest stage in the apotheosis of the talentless, the incoherent and the mal-informed. To many, there appears something apocalyptic in this post-postmodern state. But there’s nothing new in that. The Cold War seemed bad enough and then the War on Terror. acebook’s the most recent media form to undermine the foundations of western civilization, but they said the same about television, cinema, the printing press, the alphabet, and the wheel. This may not, after all, prove to be the moment the eternal trumpeter sounds civilization’s last post. Might the irrefutable fact of Covid-19 jump-start our sense of historical reality? Barack Obama has said that the election of Joe Biden won’t be enough to stop the truth decay. And, tragically, despite all our efforts and all our suffering, the same might be said of this terrible pandemic.


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Issue.9 2020

Salon Auteur

Cultural networkingparty partyfor forWinchester’s Winchester’sintelligentsia intelligentsia Cultural networking or secretsociety societyfor forspiritual spiritualmavericks. mavericks. or illicit illicit secret

I

n 2015, at the old Artcafe i e St eet t ee i ite o t ei c ed t e S o uteu too place. In 2016 three more took place at the old Corner House in North Walls. The ex-patrons of the two e t i e t i i tt tt eS o uteu cu tu et o i t o i c e te i te i e t i t e to ic too ce i ece e S ou ce o tte ded t e S o uteu c i it i o t to i icit ec et ociet t t co ti ue to eet e i d c o ed doo t u di c o ed e ue c o t e cit S i e ti ti e e o te e e ou di dee e i e c o t e t ut

Vennessa Moussa Co-editor As much as I would like to be the first to publicly reveal the existence of an illicit secret society in Winchester, SMUG investigative digs are not founded on the potentially spurious claims of a single individual. They are based on critical examination of the evidence, proof of our source’s reliability and verification of the reported facts.

e Sou ce The source of the claim is a respected public figure who played a pivotal role in developing Winchester’s 2014-2019 cultural strategy. She contacted me voluntarily using her real name, but insisted on being referred to only as Reverend and that all our communications take place via email. Her insistence on a pseudonym was, she claimed, because she was about to ‘confess’ to something that, were her true identity revealed,

would force her to resign from her position as public figure. I pressed her on the nature of her guilty secret and she tantalised me with the following: “Behind the closed doors of the Salon Auteur exists another door beyond which lies the real reason Auteurists attend. or my sins, I entered.” As intriguing as this sounded, it was more like something SMUG would invent as a dig in the ribs of cultural elitists who attend networking parties with pompous names like the Salon Auteur. Was someone trying to outsmug SMUG? If so, why?

Behind the closed doors of t e S o uteu exists another door. For my sins, I entered.

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Issue.9 2020

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The Evidence

That the Salon Auteur took place is beyond doubt. As evidence, the ex-patron of one of the establishments that hosted the events forwarded me the following email for which Reverent under her real name was one of 122 recipients. For your eyes only. You are invited to the Salon Auteur. A space for the maker, the thinker, the faker, the artist, the writer, the actor, the dancer, the builder, the sculptor and the nancier, plus the cook with the book and the hook, to intercourse without reserve. You will be with like minds. Come with yours open. The invitation was signed by four of Winchester’s popular culturati: Actor Nigel Bradshaw, founder of Hyde 900 Edward ennel, director of Winchester ilm estival John Hayes and printmaker Kate Dicker. or legal reasons SMUG is unable to publish the names of those on the invite list, but I can divulge that they included an exmayor of Winchester, several prominent city and county councillors, lecturers from the the University of Winchester and University of Southampton, wellknown local filmmakers, authors and architects. All those on the list who SMUG contacted confirmed not only their own attendance but also the presence of Reverend at least one of the gatherings. While none ‘confessed’ to knowing anything about a secret society or ‘a door behind a door’, the did provide some surprising details, including the partaking of a wine called In vino erotica and the silent screening of Jean-Jacques Dereix’s sexually explicit film Betty Blue.

Member only swing cu

If the lust for carnal gratification was the secret, why make the claim that the Salon Auteur was a secret society, which implies a more complex set of beliefs. I put the question to Reverend directly. “Is this all about secret sex?” “No-one who knows the society’s secret will reveal it,” she wrote back. “Why,” I asked. “Are members required to take an oath of silence?” “There is no need. The secret cannot be repeated or shared. There are no pacts, lineage, hierarchy or initiation practice that bind members. There are no amulets, symbols or secret handshakes that enable members to recognise one another. Many members do not even know they are members, and those that do deny it. All that unties us is the sadness of knowing that to enter the door behind the door we must sacrifice that which is most dear to us.” Any faint hope that Reverend s claims were true was replaced by the growing conviction that I was the victim of a elaborate ruse. Reverend had obviously not sensed my skepticism. The next email I received read, “To find out more, go to where it all began.”

The

o te u e

same thirst for truth that motivated me to investigate Reverend ’s initial claim of a secret society now drove me to uncover her motives for the ruse. At risk of allowing myself to be led down a rabbit hole, I paid a visit to the venue where the first Salon Auteur took place, then home to the old Art Cafe in Jewry Street, now home to the Cabinet Rooms.

The same thirst for knowledge that motivated me to i e ti te e e e d initial claim of a secret society now drove me to u co e e oti e o t e u e

The erotic nature of the offerings is hardly evidence of an illicit secret society, but they do tantalise with the possibility that the invitation to ‘intercourse without reserve’ had more than one meaning. Was the Salon Auteur a front for a sophisticated swing club for professionals trying to avoid public scrutiny? Was the door behind the door nothing more than a glorified entrance to a broom cupboard for frolicking? It would certainly explain Reverend ’s desire to confess.

The Cabinet Rooms

If Reverend ’s unlikely claim that the Salon Auteur is still taking place at undisclosed venues across the city is true, the Cabinet Rooms would certainly be a candidate. On its facade, boldly displayed in gold letters, is the bohemian mantra associated with the polygamous

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intellectuals of the Bloomsbury Group: Love. Truth. Beauty. The opening of the Cabinet rooms at the end of 201 also coincides with the last recorded date of the Salon Auteur. On my arrival I the patron who greeted me, Gary, denied knowing anything about the Salon Auteur, and when I mentioned that the old artcafe used to host the event Gary’s only response was to rue having inherited its uneven floorboards, prompting him to fetch a scrap of paper from behind the bar and wedge it under the leg of our wobbly table. I thought nothing of it until the next day when I returned to retrieve the makeshift table support. I unfolded it to reveal the picture of a moneky dressed in a coat and top hat, underneath which were the written the words, The Sect of the Ignoramus. Was this the name of the secret society? It would explain Reverend ’s claim that in order to glimpse the secret Winchester’s intelligentsia must relinquish that which is most dear to them - knowledge. The image of a clothed monkey was also reminiscent of the dressed up deer on the logo of the only other known venue on record to have hosted the Salon Auteur, the old Corner House that used to be in North Walls.

eod o e

ou e

At risk of losing myself further down the rabbit hole, I managed to get access to the abandoned building, which still houses the same furniture. It didn’t take long to find a folded piece of paper wedged under the leg of a table. This new finding contained an artist’s impression of Rodin’s stature The Thinker underneeath which were the words, “I know, therefore I exist separately from what I know, and therefore am multiple. To truly be whole one must sacrifice the I that knows.”

o e oe o e u t separate from the I that knows. The two pieces of paper were certainly connected. Both had been wedged under a table leg of an establishment that had once hosted the Salon Auteur. Both these establishments have since closed. The contents of both pieces of paper allude to a state of not knowing, or ignorant bliss.


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The Coffee Lab

I did not have to go looking for a third clue to confirm the connections. It was planted under the leg of the table in the Coffee Lab where I habitually sit as part of my Monday morning ritual. This piece of paper was a page torn out of a historical novel that contained a description of what appeared to be an unusual form of pas’ d’arms in which the combatants, instead of jousting on horseback, dressed up in their ideas, convictions and beliefs before entering a ‘chambre’ where they ritualistically burned their masks, facades and tunics. Does this third clue allude to what happens behind the ‘door behind the door’? Is the ritualistic burning of masks, facades and tunics symbolic of relinquishing the ego? Or the literal disrobing for an orgy?

What motivated Reverant X to o to uc e t o di e t Determined to get answers, I did what I had promised not to do. I sought Reverend out in person at one of the many cultural functions she attends. To my astonishment she denied knowing anything about our correspondence, or to owning the email address from which I received the emails signed by her. She did, however, admit to attending the Salon Auteur. Was she lying or had someone assumed her her identity in order to masquerade as Reverend ?

Issue.9 2020

Unanswered Questions

Who is Reverand X?

The Invitation

oo

All the clues really proved was that the idea of a secret society existed and that someone had planted the pieces of paper for me to find. Whether they were clues to a genuine secret society of fake clues planted as part of a ruse, I am no closer to knowing. And if the society is real, why did Reverend have me follow a trail of breadcrumbs.

e ed ue tio

Even in the unlikely event that the secret society does exist, many questions remain unanswered. How does one become a member? Are all those invited to attend the Salon Auteur aware of the secret society it fronts? Is the ‘door behind the door’ a physical door or a psychological gateway?

Is the door behind the door a physical door or a c o o ic t e o d Does the door lead to a sexual or spiritual experience, or both? And why did Reverend choose to expose the society through a satire magazine whose readers are unlikely to take the investigation seriously? Unless of course it is a discreet way of reaching out to new members without blowing the society’s cover. If on the other hand, as I suspect, the whole thing is an elaborate ruse, what motivated Reverend to go to such extraordinary lengths?

A week later I received my invitation to the Salon Auteur, signed by Reverend , For your eyes only. The Salon Auteur. A space for the maker, the thinker, the faker, the artist, the writer, the actor, the dancer, the builder, the sculptor and the nancier, plus the coo ith the book and the hook, to intercourse without reserve. You will be with like minds. Come with an open mind. The date and secret location (and which we expect to remain secret) will be conveyed to you in due course.

Physical door or psychological gateway?

Reverend X If you, dear reader, receive a similar invitation or are already an Auteurist, see you there

salonauteur.com 268

Elaborate ruse or discreet ploy to attract new members?

Do they know?


Issue.9 2020

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26 FROM THE ARCHIVES

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CHRONICLE

ANGLO-SMUG 1000 years ago on Friday 13th November 1019

GIANT ERECTION COMING

Issue.9 2020

NEWS IN BRIEF

1518

By our Middle Wessex Scribe, The Memorable Rede City planners have granted permission for a major building project in the centre of Winchester. A vast stone-and-glass edifice 3 cubits long and 100 cubits high is to be built to aid regeneration of the region and make Old Belgaria a centre of excellence.

ui t to id e e e tio of the region and make Old Belgaria a centre of excellence According to a spokesperson: “This glorious undertaking reflects our forward-thinking strategy and will bring Winchester into the 11th Century or, failing that, the 12th. It will be big enough to seat 1, 00 not that there will be any seats. It will attract people from all over the known world perhaps from as far afield as Melksham and Pevensey. We just need to build it and they will come.” The spokesperson denied that it was a job creation scheme devised to address chronic unemployment amongst stonemasons and glaziers.

He admitted that some councillors had warned of the risk of subsidence but said, “We’ve put paid to that,” as he waved a bulging purse. Critics say it will be a gargantuan carbuncle out of character with its surroundings which will tower over the dwellings of the populace, ruining their centuries-old view of the meadows and cesspits. Market traders are particularly upset. They describe it as being like a really big, even super-big, market for religion, which will take custom away from them and drive the long-established corner chapels out of business. They warn that thoroughfares will be blocked either side of peak attendance times. It is hoped that residents will not be inconvenienced by building works for more than seventy or eighty years.

FLAME-HAIRED Leonardo da inci, the Italian painter known for his Moaning Lisa portrait, has called off plans to visit the city, declaring that the country is ruled by a corpulent flame-haired madman out of touch with reality who, if left unchecked, will wreak havoc on the country, if not the entire world.

SITUATION VACANT Town Greeter, £1.50 p/h basic, commission and end of year bonus. Wintonia City Council is seeking a friendly, competent and experienced individual to fulfil the exciting role of Town Greeter. Core responsibilities

Desirable Characteristics

Essential previous experience

irmly shaking hands of all visitors to our city now a world heritage site and offering them a genuine smile.

A face or printout of a face.

Shaking hands with a variety of other people.

A oice or recording of voice. Arms and or pointing stick.

Guiding each visitor directly to King Alfred’s statue and then on to Greggs.

Expert level use of Google Translate. Pointing skills.

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Issue.9 2020

Live The Human Show

Psychological reality drama starring humans from the planet Earth. For the Human Race to survive it must overcome a series of almost insurmountable obstacles which, unbeknownst to humans, we planted in their way purely for our entertainment.

“Gripping, hide-behind-the-floating-sofa alien drama.” Alien news

If you missed Season 2020, here are the highlights. Australia wildfire season blazed its way from December 2019 into 2020.

Kim Jong Un, Dead? Not Dead? Vegetative state? Didn’t feel like working?

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex quit as “senior” royals.

A massive explosion at a Beirut port, sparked the accidental detonation of 2,750 tons of ammonium nitrate.

The World Health Organization announced that a deadly coronavirus had emerged in Wuhan, China.

“The Black Panther” died. Wildfires erupted from California to Washington state, displacing hundreds of thousands of people.

President Trump faced an impeachment trial on charges that he asked Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg; Supreme Court Justice and unrelenting trailblazer for gender equality died. Trump tested positive for COVID-19 during the electoral campaign.

Lockdowns across the world due to coronavirus.

Lockdown 2 - Lockdown with a vengeance. Toilet roll fine.

Toilet roll.

Trump loses to Biden...but doesn’t concede, cue unfounded claims of vote tampering in key states.

Boris and co test positive for COVID-19

Cummings ceases to secretly run the UK! Who will secretly run the UK now?

Clapping and Banana bread. Harvey Weinstein was convicted; a watershed moment for the #MeToo movement.

It’s all about the race for a vaccine...mixed feelings about whether it’s the most vulnerable who are vaccinated first or simply those we can afford to lose?

A nice trip to Barnard Castle for the family Cummings.

The UK’s post-Brexit transition period bumbles on without any resolution in sight despite the fact it expires on December 31 2020.

The pandemic triggers a global recession as numerous countries went into lockdown.

What could possibly happen in 2021?

The killings of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor sparked a wave of demonstrations and riots across the world to demand an end to police brutality and racial injustice.

.

2021 spoiler GANG OF FOUR DECLARE WAR

Wear a mask, don’t wear a mask war.

In a bold move Ossetia, Catalunya, Northern Ireland and Scotland form the latest in line of new ‘Dispersed Nation States’ and declare war on Georgia, Spain and England.

Eat out to help out...Go to work don’t go to work.. Murder Hornets!

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Practical, no-nonsense solutions to all your first world problems Homeschooling Hell

Holiday Anxiety

Dear Arabella,

Arabella,

As a 4 year old woman with limited computer skills and having never in my wildest dreams considered the fact that I may well one day end up actually being an educational teacher to my children, you can imagine my horror at the implementation of homeschooling. I didn’t pass my maths GCSE, I didn’t take chemistry, and I’m damn sure I never covered “medicine” in History And “Teams”?? What is “Teams”?? I assure you Mr Harding, you are a liar my children are not “a joy to teach in class”, they are actual terrorists. I asked my son to make a sentence with the word “contagious” in it he said, “Boris should have acted quicker and been more decisive during this pandemic but instead, it took the CONTAGIOUS ... Dear Lord. Before the first school term back, I had to email the school and ask them if they wouldn’t mind using the odd “This is a shit show”...”What even is that supposed to be?”and “I already bloody explained this ” - just to make the transition more comfortable for the kids.

I’ve been thinking about this year and in particular, how I used to view the summer holidays with a little anxiety. What would I do with the children home for all that time? How will I manage financially and emotionally? Looking back now I realise how easy that was and I am proud of what I have achieved this year but more importantly, the thought that brings me the most joy is this: What I will tell My children when they are grown and complain about the six week holiday when they have their own children to entertain.

At my wits end in Winnall Oh Darling, there is no doubt that it has been the hardest of all on the parents. I salute you for making it through to the other side; and while I don’t pretend to know what it must have been like, and not being a fan of colourful language, I sense that you are a woman who has done her very best, proven by the fact that despite not being correctly placed, your son can in fact spell the word contagious! Whenever you doubt yourself dear, remember; there were 6 year olds who worked in mines and smoked pipes only 100 years ago, and you are not alone in your frustration. I’m reminded of the phrase: To raise a child takes a village. I think maybe, to homeschool a child, it may take a vineyard?

“What will I tell my c id e “Well, in the year of 2020 we did SI MONTHS and all we had was Netflix, a colouring book and pens to draw rainbows, baking with bananas and a man called Joe Wicks. There was 1 hour a day outside your house with the very same people from inside your house, we frantically waved at people through windows and doorways, we greeted the postman like a war hero while simultaneously sanitising the many many Amazon purchases he threw from six feet at us like we were rabid dogs. Cash?? What’s that?? We didn’t have any as nobody had a job anymore, and if you did have a job and cash, you couldn’t use it nowhere was open except Sainsbury’s and money was contaminated so you had to learn to pay with your phone. Swimming? Nope. Bowling? Nope. Mcdonald’s? Holidays?? Nope and God No Theatre, gigs, concerts, cinemas, festivals, museums, exhibitions? Nope, nope and nope. Playgrounds? Are you insane?? Taped off like crime scenes in an NCIS episode for fear our little darling super spreaders will kill our entire family with their virus carrying ways...Six ordinary weeks you say?...Please.” eeling ne in ul ood

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That’s quite right my dear, the year 2020 has indeed put a lot of things into perspective hasn’t it? Who we chose to spend our time with, what is worth worrying about, what activities we have taken for granted for so long! As you know, I love my husband, but I could have cheerfully throttled him on a number of occasions without even a second thought. We have missed seeing some of our family and friends, but I’m not ashamed to say, there’s a certain amount of relief from not seeing others! Social distancing is a phrase that has become normal to hear, but sometimes frustrating to im lement. I find as an older erson it is a bit easier, nobody wants to be the “you touched her last” person should I shu e o this mortal oil.

ou touc ed e

t

I myself only seem to have a problem with socially distancing from the fridge! Maybe I should give this Joe Wicks man a go!

2020

Best selling travel books he ounge the ultimate laid back retreat Locating the front door and garden escapes he itchen

ho to nd food

Exploring the inner wardrobes Discovering Asda

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I told easy. “SMUG”, ed as w s m ar ar e design ght to be Justifying my ri gun of sorts, but its bullets ar it. Yes, elf, ys m g m tin a ai oo be m sh t ay f, no myself, “m I would end up esented to me ester from itsel ch in ctims, but W vi t I never thought pr nt ec ce as ot w no pr to help nding in am using I fe n of ed gu m of e su th sk as ri d gh e th k an thou there is always t donned a froc g out ly fire.” nd on the day I firs y Wench. ie fr st ised about goin rn ju l as al nt s fa it’ s ad ay L w of al y I ok to tu gh, e Bro the identit be honest, thou by revealing a royalist plot son, I hurch in Middl year C To e op H at 14 ea ns five blazing ctober 20 ntamount to tr with all guns It was the 3rd O ncil was launching its ambitio inchester xon village. Ta Sa a W ou to C h in lis r ity te C ab Winches ould “est Street. The doom r the cause. that by 2019 w and creativity die a martyr fo piracy and my impending ld ou w cultural strategy re for contemporary culture . n” most ns io al co at l, in no st ua de nt a grad of d Only there is en e as a vibrant ce tation as a world-class heritage ” with its th when a ore than ld pu . It all began ay is nothing m aw alongside its re wed, would “inspire the wor ng di fa me what vo imperceptible ntributor sent to satirical co G Our city, they infectious can-do attitude.” U SM d ve es d much lo e funniest ever “adventurous an conference were representativ nsider to be th ester ever submitted. co I e , th ns g tio in Winch Attend tive institu ed a cartoon about chester’s crea y and Arts Hyde, I reserv ly & ll ky from all Win m Je no co ed hen, on Entitl Head of E ol of it in issue 2. T author r ho fo Sc including the r ge te pa es le ch who d of Win g to print, the at WCC, Hea tural Engagement at the urs before goin the piece. Plead as I ho ul C of I pull Art, Dean gate from requested that to include inchester, a dele d to allow me ing this se fu University of W land and the complete re he , ht ig m ud cl in ng sues, Arts Council E y subsequent is culturati and an s r’ in te it es ch in gamma of W the alter final one. ous.” ors, including ct re di al ked. “It’s hilari iv doubt, as st I fe ’ no t? l, no al hy e m “W ved ind the SMUG ego that concei opportunities about to he replied, “beh fragility, pain ,” se au ec “B e it lampoons lie salivating at th tonian facades in . W em th ed r is fo om up open that pr e author dawning. One and kindness.” dn’t stopped th poon ange and ha ch it A new era was e ut ac B br t. em gh , thou that lam averick’ ng? “Maybe so,” I tirical cartoons out Jekyll & to ‘back the m What could possibly go wro greatest sa y pl ar sh r he e. e so special ab contributing ot reward the brav il’s own admission, the “singl ness. What was o dangerous? Too true? acency” pl ug sm nc om s “c ou r’ e C te th e es th as ch To Win Well, by w vision w ose to the bone? ed of doubt had been ccess of their ne inheritance of such a majestic e? Was it too cl se yd A H . threat” to the su tle its lit m by d tu r gan to ad infini incheste s mattere W er an e sw th by an d to conscience be ve ed he g vi T rd in re gl d affo ed an fl d e a ar ve e ie it t tr W . wan to be with past - re nactment squads ester doesn’t planted and -e ch re and important in d W an if s t am ha te W e past? What al dig ask questions: t if it is happy to gorge of th rface than of archaeologic at re th e th ha r su te . rejuvenated? W r’s fragility lies closer to the cil doesn’t the King’s City y alter-ego, “how better to coun than have te ou es m C m eu What if Winch suggests? What if the City “So”, thought to a living mus t it had? being turned in mical mirror to Winchester’s r te es ch in s regal veneer vision and courage it though d world it’ W of co r a te up es ch ld n, vage tire ho hter frees Win have the ambitio the state of the pandemic ra UG fired, a mistress of sa the resulting laug yal status. at th by SM pe t ho ed lle at in bu er de Exasp regal faca n with its ro equent satirical e with ogical obsessio rn. But just as I donned my , for each subs my conscience, riddling m G’s is it as from its pathol bo e d th as U ke d w ic , pe SM pr ch ep at n st en th e tio W stag hope another ques Thus I, Lady the conference s ng me of any of Winchester that to hi ni ai er on dr at liv d th de s an to es ts dr e, t more doub metaphorical Mark Courtic can help coax ou wearing a crown. Theatre Royal, ce was a gun. funny therapy on up of d st si an in br t no director of the oi as out a that does pic of ch ab to ity lk is al ta H on . rs to mise. Assigned ch e pe de ee os its ’s sp part of keynote to SMUG l re Royal ch at de de gy ta he si te T ci ht ra e e st ig th th l br of a ra a cultu ill rest in , there is w of ill it St n y, tio Why a director or ta st hi en ds n es or of ic Rec annals hen he bega n at the pr it is now to the it tried to counter - the icon gathering murder weapo to everyone in the room w s gun,” he f ld el hi or nt rs w “T re he . en ristic of the old became appa Majesty the Que orians of England’s culiar characte . One at the target, er pe H s n’ by gu ed e en th st Office op to describe ous bullets h of d for future hi s two simultane r prosperity an ine the behaviours of a bunc eir fo st du explained, “fire on pulling the trigger.” e ic th rt am ith ou ex w C e to k l ar nc rs pe .M ancient capita in search of an unlikely allia the other a the , and a warning at, if spoken, se it is ur e, co m r of fo r, ls s ho be A th Covid re ill think. ew pr It was a metap and the bullets were words ey th t n. ha w bu ow s contri tors know gun t also his nemesis. Who itude towards the anonymous UG that I was himself the not only his target’s future, bu know if he at SM ze idea. Nor do I with heartfelt gr ho once breathed life into would jeopardi ming I have no he had gone and within w ai s is a tiny dot. or as ft ct w le fa k is ar ne at M be and a year til all th At who in un e ith ith w lin w t st bu ed la r, sk is ta ge th trig trundle along knew that I was ever pulled the ing conceived I would call it SMUG. be y m of ts en I mom gun. n version of the making my ow

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Contact: editor@smugwinchester.com


Editor in Chief: John Hayes | Cover Artist: Mark Michael Published by SMUGingtons, Winchester, SO23 8SR Printed by Sarsen Press

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