9781529927085

Give the gift of a laugh to your family comedian, every day and all year round.

This ultimate collection of jokes is packed with awesome gags suitable for all ages a book everyone can enjoy together.

£9.99

HILARIOUS JOKES FOR BRILLIANT BLOKES

What’s better than sharing a joke?

Sharing 400 jokes.

year! ll a s h g u la d e e t n a r a u G ★★★★★

e k o J d a D c i s s a l C r e e h n T i l e n O y s e & Che n o i t c e l Col

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To: nny fu e it u q e r a u o y k in h It e k a m l il w k o o b is h t t bu you even funnier.

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HILARIOUS JOKES FOR BRILLIANT BLOKES The Classic Dad Joke & Cheesy ​­One-​­liner Collection

Welcome to THE essential joke handbook.

Don’t be caught short without something funny to say, ever again.

Always find a perfect ​ ­pick-​­me-​­up in these ​ ­pages – ​there is at least one laugh for every day of the year here.

Whatever life throws at you, turn to this book and you’ll always be on the funny side of the street.

What happened to the woman who stole a calendar on New Year’s Eve? She got 12 months.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

Pop!

Dracula passed out at midnight on New Year’s Eve. There was a count down.

An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve. One was charged and the other was let off.

What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?

Lost. (Penguins live in Antarctica.)

Why don’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrapper off.

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Howard.

Howard who?

Howard you like to stand out in the cold while some idiot keeps asking ‘Who’s there?’

I’m scared of lifts.

So I take steps to avoid them.

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

‘Where were you on the night of September to March?’

Why was the marine biologist sacked?

He made a mistake on porpoise.

I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn’t win, but I came varicose.

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede.

They gather around the guide who says, ‘This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.’

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, ‘When did that happen?’

‘1215,’ answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, ‘Damn!

Just missed it by half an hour!’

A patient complained to his doctor, ‘I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.’

The doctor calmly replied, ‘Just wait until the autopsy, then they’ll see that I was right.’

What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad.

What do we want? ​­Low-​ ­flying plane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.

What do you call a man with a crisp packet on his head?

Russell

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a map on his head?

Miles

What do call a man with a coat on his head?

Mac

What do you call a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou

What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?

Lulu

What do you call birds who stick together? ​­Vel-​­crows.

What happened to the electrician when he made a mistake?

He was grounded.

A man is talking to his friend, an economist.

He says, ‘I’m a walking economy.’

The friend asks, ‘How so?’

‘My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!’

Soldiers in plays like to Shakespeares.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights can make an aeroplane.

What do you call a UFO with faulty air conditioning?

A frying saucer.

Did you hear about the red ship that crashed into the purple ship?

100 sailors were marooned.

What do you get if you cross an artist with a kebab?

Doner-​­tello.

I’ve just seen some scones doing the ​­two-​­step.

Were there a lot of them?

An a-bun-dance.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberqueue.

I went to the ​­still-​­life exhibition. It was quite good, but not moving.

What did the chef give to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche.

What is the most romantic fruit salad?

A date with a peach.

The skeleton went to a restaurant on his own on Valentine’s day. ‘Table for one?’ the waiter asked.

‘Yes,’ he replied.

‘I ain’t got no body.’

Who is the best person to date on a football team?

The goalie. He’s a real keeper.

Did you hear about the young couple who decided to live in a tree house?

It went well until they had a falling out.

What did the cantaloupe say to her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day? ‘You’re one in a melon!’

What do squirrels give each other for Valentine’s Day? ​­Forget-​­me-​­nuts.

I used to run a dating service for chickens.

But I was struggling to make hens meet.

What did one pickle say to the other?

You mean a great dill to me.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.

It was clogged.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

A diamond is just a lump of coal that performed well under pressure.

LAZY WISDOM . . .

I don’t like the word ‘lazy’. I call it ‘selective participation’.

I’m doing an escape room today. Well, actually it’s work, but I’m pretty sure I can get out of it.

I’ve realised I need to seek professional help.

From a PA, a chef and a housekeeper, ideally.

Don’t ​­half-​­ass anything.

Whatever you do, use your full ass.

Do anything well and you risk someone asking you to do it again.

It’s useful to organise tasks into categories: things I won’t do now, things I won’t do later and things I’ll get someone else to do.

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Un-bee-leave-able.

How many narcissists does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

Just one. He simply holds onto it and the world revolves around him.

I hate Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

A grasshopper walks into a cocktail bar. The barman says, ‘Oh wow!

Did you know there’s a cocktail named after you?’

‘Really?’ replies the grasshopper, surprised.

‘There’s a drink called David?’

A barman walks into a stable. ‘Hello,’ says the horse. ‘Why the short face?’

I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.

They said, ‘Thank you.’

I said, ‘Don’t mention it.’

When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees . . . . . . Sycamore.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn’t great but the reception was amazing.

I just found out I’m colourblind. The news came completely out of the purple!

What is the most surprising part about the story of Easter?

That a man in his thirties would have 12 friends.