9780241530009

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‘A taut, unputdownable thriller set between Texas and Mexico City. I loved every moment’ GRACE LI

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Everyone knows the story of Lore Rivera.

The double marriage. The secret family.

The fatal night when one husband shot the other.

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FINISHES

True crime blogger Cassie Bowman knows there’s more to it.

But when Lore agrees to talk, little does Cassie know: Lore’s secrets won’t be the only ones to unravel . . .

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‘One of the best suspenseful dramas I’ve read in years.

An exceptional, stunning debut’ ASHLEY AUDRAIN ‘Compelling and resonant. An unforgettable story, told brilliantly’ ELLERY LLOYD ‘It will astonish readers with its vastness, romance, tragedy and abundant heart’ JESSAMINE CHAN

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‘A sprawling, stunning, twisting triumph’ CHRIS WHITAKER ‘Intelligent and nuanced’ GUARDIAN I S B N 978-0-241-53000-9

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MORE THAN YOU’LL E VER KNOW

Praise for More Than You’ll Ever Know ‘Intelligent and nuanced . . . raises a host of difficult but fascinating questions’ Guardian ‘A sprawling, stunning, twisting triumph. By turns heart-pounding and heart-wrenching, this is a story of marriage and murder, of the secrets we endure and the lies we tell ourselves to keep them.

So achingly clever and stylish, More Than You’ll Ever Know is a special novel from a very special writer’ Chris Whitaker ‘Breathtaking and brimming with empathy, exploration of motherhood, marriage and the consequences that come from obsessions with true crime’ Cosmopolitan ‘I was enthralled with More Than You’ll Ever Know from the very first pages of Gutierrez’s rich and assured writing.

A gripping and thoughtful exploration of motherhood, marriage, the complexity of female desire, and the consequence of our obsession with true crime, it’s one of the best suspenseful dramas I’ve read in years. An exceptional, stunning debut – I absolutely loved it’ Ashley Audrain ‘A sweeping novel, unflinching and evocative in its engrossing study of love, motherhood, sex, Mexico, journalism and more’ Washington Post ‘A stunning portrait of female reckoning – Katie Gutierrez creates layered and vivid characters, forced to confront the complexities of their own desires. An immaculate novel that explores marriage and choice, partnership and autonomy, More Than You’ll Ever Know is a wonder to behold’ Danya Kukafka ‘Infuses the summer mystery genre with some serious ideas about our obsession with crime stories and our sense of women’s identities’ Los Angeles Times

‘A tale of two women, two timelines, two sides of a border and two husbands, More Than You’ll Ever Know is a novel both compelling and resonant – a novel which grips you like a thriller as you are reading it, with characters and themes which linger in the mind like the best literary fiction. This is an unforgettable story, told brilliantly – one of those novels where from the first page you know you are in the hands of a writer of verve, confidence and conviction’ Ellery Lloyd ‘An intriguing story of complex characters and their long-buried secrets’ Daily Express ‘This is a crime book unlike any I’ve read before. More Than You’ll Ever Know is written with such beauty and tenderness – about the ferocity of love, the lure of desire, and the strength of family bonds. It blew me away’ L. V. Matthews ‘Smart, sophisticated and sly, Katie Gutierrez masterfully weaves a tale of two families, a double life and an ultimate act of passion that will have you on the edge of your seat as the truth is revealed. There are thrillers that tease, but More Than You’ll Ever Know will haunt your dreams. A stunning debut from a magnificent storyteller’ Adriana Trigiani ‘Enthralling and beautifully written’ Boston Globe ‘A taut, unputdownable thriller, but also a gorgeously written examination of motherhood, ambition, and sacrifice, set between Texas and Mexico City. I loved every moment’ Grace D. Li ‘An electrifying debut’ Woman’s Own ‘A seductive, urgent tale about desire, family, the pursuit of truth, and the art of storytelling, More Than You’ll Ever Know will astonish readers with its vastness, romance, tragedy, and abundant heart’ Jessamine Chan ‘I love a complicated female character, someone who doesn’t behave as society dictates, and I was hooked by both Cassie and Lore’s stories. A brilliant debut that doesn’t just tiptoe around the grey edges of morality, but dives right in’ Louise Hare

‘Enthralling, breathtaking and propulsive, More Than You’ll Ever Know is the kind of book that only comes around once every decade. With hypnotic, shimmering prose set against a masterful plot, Katie Gutierrez has crafted an explosive modern classic – a groundbreaking, razor-sharp exploration of what it means to be a woman in all its complexity, as well as a deep dive into the morally grey areas of the double lives we all lead. Equal parts literary tour de force and domestic suspense, with a sweeping, sprawling narrative, More Than You’ll Every Know is poised to become the buzziest book of the year’ May Cobb

More Than You’ll

‘A complex portrait of marriage and desire, a thought-provoking exploration of motherhood, and a fascinating look at our collective obsession with true crime . . . combining domestic drama, crime, slow-burn psychological mystery and a touch of historical fiction, More Than You’ll Ever Know is a true page-turner’ Culturefly

E ver Know abo ut th e auth o r

Katie Gutierrez has an MFA from Texas State University, and her essays have appeared in Harper’s Bazaar, the Washington Post, Longreads and and T raised Texas, K more.

A T She I Ewas born G U I Ein Laredo, R R E Z a city on the US-Mexico border, and now lives in San Antonio with her husband and two young children. She finished writing this novel days before delivering her second child, who turned out to be quite the good luck charm.

More Than You’ll E ver Know

K A T I E

G U T I E R R E Z

P EN GU I N B O O K S

P E N GUI N B O O K S UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia India | New Zealand | South Africa Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published in the United States of America by William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers 2022 First published in Great Britain by Penguin Michael Joseph 2022 Published in Penguin Books 2023 001 Copyright © Katie Gutierrez, 2022 The moral right of the author has been asserted Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A. The authorized representative in the EEA is Penguin Random House Ireland, Morrison Chambers, 32 Nassau Street, Dublin d02 yh68 A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library isbn: ​978–0–241–53000–9

www.greenpenguin.co.uk Penguin Random House is committed to a sustainable future for our business, our readers and our planet. This book is made from Forest Stewardship Council® certified paper.

For my family. Los quiero mucho, mucho, mucho.

Pa r t I

C ACSAS SI ES ,I E2,021 0 7 17

By the Bytime the time I readI read aboutabout LoreLore Rivera, Rivera, my mother my mother had been had been dead dead for for a dozen a dozen years.years.

Dead,Dead, but not butgone. not gone.

She was She like was my likeshadow, my shadow, angling angling dark dark and long and long in theinright the right light,light, inescapable inescapable and untouchable. and untouchable.

Everyone Everyone had loved had loved my mother. my mother.

She was She awas thirda thirdgradegrade teacher teacher who’dwho’d once once told our toldclass our class that history that history was written was written by those by those who had who had power power and wanted and wanted to keep to keep it. “So, it. “So, whenwhen you read you read your your textbooks, textbooks, ask yourself ask yourself who is who telling is telling the story— the story— and what and what they they have have to gain to gain by by your your believing believing it.” My it.”classmates My classmates had looked had looked at meatthen, me then, awedawed by myby my mother’s mother’s educational educational subterfuge, subterfuge, and I’d andsmiled, I’d smiled, proudproud she was she mine, was mine, that Ithat hadIcome had come fromfrom her. her.

EveryEvery Friday Friday night,night, she and she Iand curled I curled up together up together on the onnubby the nubby tweedtweed couchcouch to watch to watch Dateline.

Dateline.

Sometimes Sometimes our fingers our fingers brushed brushed as weas we worked worked the matted the matted tassels tassels of our of favorite our favorite blue blue blanket, blanket, and we andgigwe giggled gled softly,softly, as if catching as if catching each each otherother in theinact theofact something of something private. private.

ThenThen we’d we’d wait wait for Stone for Stone Phillips, Phillips, with with his strong his strong jaw and jaw serious and serious eyes, eyes, to reveal to reveal the endless the endless waysways one human one human beingbeing can harm can harm another. another.

This This was the wasmidnineties the midnineties in Enid, in Enid, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, still some still some time time be- before my foreninth my ninth birthday. birthday.

My life Mywas lifestill was ordinary. still ordinary.

I hadn’t I hadn’t yet learned yet learned

K A T KI EA TGI UE T GI U ER TR I EE RZ R E Z

that ordinary that ordinary couldcould be precious. be precious.

So I So gotI my gotthrills my thrills fromfrom watching watching the Dateline the Dateline camera camera pan over pan over photos photos of smiling of smiling blondblond women women riding riding bikesbikes and cutting and cutting wedding wedding cakes,cakes, oblivious oblivious to their to their own own tragictragic ends.ends.

I couldn’t I couldn’t help but helpsee butmyself see myself in them, in them, or seeormyself see myself the way the the waycamthe camera might era might see me, see ame, dead a dead girl still girl living. still living.

I breathed I breathed in myinmother’s my mother’s scentscent of snuck of snuck cigarettes cigarettes and chalk and chalk dust dust as sheaspulled she pulled me against me against her her side, side, and maybe and maybe that was that the waspleasure the pleasure that started that started it all— it all— fromfrom that that nubbynubby tweedtweed couch, couch, I explored I explored an otherworld an otherworld of danger of danger without without ever ever leaving leaving the safety the safety of myofmother’s my mother’s warmth, warmth, thrilled thrilled in theincloseness the closeness of of the wolf the ’swolf breath ’s breath against against a home a home mademade of brick. of brick.

Except Except it turns it turns out brick out brick wallswalls don’tdon’t matter matter whenwhen the wolf the wolf lives lives inside. inside.

Later,Later, once once I stopped I stopped watching watching Dateline Dateline with with my mother, my mother, once once I I stopped stopped doingdoing anything anything at allatwith all with her, Iher, checked I checked true true crimecrime booksbooks out ofout theofEnid the Enid Public Public Library Library threethree or four or at four a time, at a time, slipping slipping themthem into my intobackpack my backpack like contraband. like contraband.

I devoured I devoured In Cold In Cold BloodBlood and Heland Helter Skelter ter Skelter the way the Iway imagined I imagined boys boys my age my looked age looked at porn, at porn, all that all that furtive furtive grasping grasping underunder covers. covers.

I wasI grasping was grasping for something, for something, too. too.

SomeSome kind kind of dark of dark knowledge, knowledge, understanding. understanding.

I slidI my slidhands my hands over over theirtheir plastic plastic covers, covers, greased greased with with fingerprints fingerprints like mine. like mine.

I readI read the the otherother names names on the onborrowing the borrowing cards— cards— Jennifer, Jennifer, Nicole, Nicole, Emily— Emily— and and wondered wondered if they, if they, too, read too, read aboutabout serialserial killers killers beneath beneath the golden the golden domedome of their of their covers, covers, grateful grateful for something for something moremore frightening frightening than than theirtheir father’s father’s voicevoice bleeding bleeding through through the walls. the walls.

In high In high school, school, my clandestine my clandestine obsession obsession with with true crime true crime crystalcrystallizedlized into clear into clear goals:goals: First,First, and most and most important, important, leaveleave Enid,Enid, Okla-Oklahoma.homa.

Go toGo college. to college.

Become Become a journalist. a journalist.

WriteWrite the kind the kind of books of books I I had consumed, had consumed, and that and had thatconsumed had consumed me, for me,sofor many so many years.years.

Books Books that looked that looked at theatugliest the ugliest partsparts of humanity of humanity and asked: and asked: HowHow did itdid it comecome to this? to this?

The year The year LoreLore Rivera Rivera entered entered my life, myI’d life,finally I’d finally landed landed piecespieces in in Vice and ViceTexas and Texas Monthly, Monthly, but my butbiggest my biggest coup coup as anas aspiring an aspiring true crime true crime writer writer was awas parta parttime time blogging blogging gig for gigH2O, for H2O, a television a television network network 4

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whose whose market market research research had made had made it pivot it pivot fromfrom low-budget low-budget romance romance movies movies to true to crime. true crime.

Women, Women, it seemed, it seemed, had tired had tired of watching of watching prettypretty whitewhite couples couples fall infall love in among love among ice-skating ice-skating rinksrinks and hay andbales. hay bales.

In- Instead,stead, they they wanted wanted to know to know how many how many timestimes you’dyou’d have have to stab to somestab someone with one with that that ice-skating ice-skating bladeblade in order in order to kill to them, kill them, and whether and whether bodies bodies in those in those smallsmall farming farming towns towns ever ever stayed stayed buried. buried.

And And theirtheir appetite appetite was voracious— was voracious— not only not only did they did they wantwant the “fullthe “fulltime time crime” crime” the network the network provided; provided; they they wanted wanted a blog a blog that would that would roundround up “the up “the mostmost interesting interesting murders murders on the on internet.” the internet.”

No humdrum No humdrum shooting shooting wouldwould do. They do. They wanted wanted novelty. novelty.

That’s That’s wherewhere I came I came in. in.

For fifteen For fifteen hourshours a week a week and thirteen and thirteen dollars dollars an hour, an hour, I scoured I scoured the Web the Web for killings for killings that would that would makemake a jaded a jaded audience audience stop and stopclick. and click.

I read I read national national and local and local newspapers, newspapers, scrolled scrolled through through true true crimecrime message message boards boards and subreddits, and subreddits, burrowed burrowed my way my way through through 4chan 4chan threads threads like alike spelunker a spelunker of human of human grime. grime.

I created I created a set aofset Google of Google alerts— alerts— termsterms like “murder,” like “murder,” “dismemberment,” “dismemberment,” “kidnapping,” “kidnapping,” and and “contract “contract kill”— kill”— and every and every morning morning my inbox my inbox replenished replenished like an like an hourglass hourglass overturned. overturned.

The The best-bestperforming performing murders murders were were outlandishly outlandishly gruesome gruesome with with an element an element of either of either brilliance brilliance or ineptitude or ineptitude (the latter (the latter beingbeing far more far more typical). typical).

TheyThey also also tended tended to have to have one thing one thing in common: in common: women women endedended up dead. up dead.

Though Though only only a quarter a quarter of allofmurder all murder victims victims are are women, women, whenwhen women women are murdered, are murdered, it’s almost it’s almost always always by a man, by a man, and and whenwhen men kill menwomen kill women instead instead of other of other men, men, well, well, that’sthat’s whenwhen shit gets shit gets creative. creative.

Hacksaws Hacksaws and living and living burials burials and mysterious and mysterious disappearances disappearances fromfrom tiny Cessnas. tiny Cessnas.

On aOn bloga blog like ours, like ours, that’sthat’s whatwhat sold. sold.

ThatThat Friday Friday morning, morning, my top my post top post was was aboutabout a Florida a Florida man man who’dwho’d bashed bashed in hisinex’s his head ex’s head with with a power a power tool after tool after she’d she’d caught caught him with him with another another man.man.

ThenThen he’d partially he’d partially dissolved dissolved her limbs her limbs in acid in acid before before chopping chopping the rest the into rest small into small enough enough piecespieces to fittointo fit ainto fivea fivegallon gallon fishing fishing bucket, bucket, whichwhich he’d he’d takentaken to a to swamp a swamp to feed to feed to the to the alligators— alligators— except except the gators the gators were were moremore enticed enticed by the byman’s the man’s livingliving limbs.limbs.

He’d He’d been been forced forced to call to911, calltoo 911,badly too badly mauled mauled to dispose to dispose of theof the 5

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bucket’s bucket’s grislygrisly contents contents before before emergency emergency responders responders arrived. arrived.

MostMost of theofcomments the comments were were somesome gleeful gleeful form form of Karma’s of Karma’s a bitch! a bitch!

I often I often wondered wondered aboutabout my audience, my audience, mostmost of them of them women, women, at at least least according according to thetomarket the market research. research.

How How did they did they interpret interpret theirtheir pleasure pleasure at scrolling at scrolling through through the posts the posts I curated?

I curated?

Did the Didhuman the human brushbrush fires fires reduce reduce theirtheir own own miseries miseries to matchstick to matchstick flickers? flickers?

Did the Did the violence violence provide provide themthem with with a language a language for their for their private private suffering? suffering?

I wanted I wanted to think to think therethere was some was some of that, of that, because because moremore and more and more I felt Ilike feltalike forager a forager of other of other people’s people’s tragedies, tragedies, grinning grinning as I presented as I presented themthem like trophies like trophies to antoinvisible an invisible bloodthirsty bloodthirsty crowd. crowd.

The woman The woman in in that fishing that fishing bucket— bucket— she’dshe’d been been someone someone once.once.

Maybe Maybe her baby her baby teethteeth were were still tucked still tucked awayaway in a drawer in a drawer somewhere, somewhere, the way the my waymother my mother had saved had saved minemine in that in old thatfelt oldjewelry felt jewelry pouchpouch I’d found I’d found after after she died. she died.

It was It hard was hard to beto proud be proud of this of kind this kind of work. of work.

I hadIone hadeye oneon eyethe onclock, the clock, counting counting downdown to when to when I needed I needed to start to start packing packing for Fourth for Fourth of July of July weekend weekend with with my fiancé’s my fiancé’s family, family, whenwhen my email my email refreshed refreshed with with a Google a Google alert:alert: “Her “Her Secret Secret Lives:Lives: How How One One Woman’s Woman’s Double Double Marriage Marriage Led to Led thetoMurder the Murder of anofInnocent an Innocent Man.”Man.” I wasIso was accustomed so accustomed to dead to dead women women that, that, for a for moment, a moment, I thought I thought I’d misread I’d misread the headline. the headline.

ThenThen camecame the prick the prick of curiosity, of curiosity, instant instant and sharp. and sharp.

The The storystory was from was from the Laredo the Laredo Morning Morning Times, Times, a local a local newspanewspaper for pera for citya acity fewahours few hours southsouth of Austin, of Austin, wherewhere I lived.

I lived.

I clicked I clicked on on the link. the link.

My screen My screen filledfilled with with the bold the bold headline headline and two and blacktwo blackand- andwhitewhite family family photos, photos, divided divided by a by dramatic a dramatic stylized stylized tear. tear.

In the Infirst the first photo, photo, captioned captioned 1978,1978, a mana man named named Fabian Fabian Rivera Rivera and his andwife, his wife, Do- Dolores,lores, held held a paira of pair oversize of oversize scissors scissors at some at some kind kind of ribbonof ribboncutting cutting event.event.

Her curly Her curly blackblack hair was hairfeathered was feathered over over each each ear, earrings ear, earrings dan- danglinggling to her tojaw. her She jaw. was She laughing, was laughing, her cheeks her cheeks round, round, chin chin slightly slightly tilted,tilted, as though as though she’dshe’d been been aboutabout to look to look up atup Fabian. at Fabian.

She wore She wore a a harshharsh shouldershoulderpadded padded skirtskirt suit, suit, and Fabian and Fabian stared stared at theatcamera the camera 6

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with with a small a small twisttwist of a smile of a smile at theatcorners the corners of hisoflips hisand lipseyes. and eyes.

Beside Beside them,them, two darktwo darkhaired haired boys,boys, twins— twins— captioned captioned as Gabriel as Gabriel and Mateo and Mateo Rivera— Rivera— grinned, grinned, as if they as if they were were doingdoing bunny bunny ears behind ears behind theirtheir par- parents’ ents’ backs.backs.

The other The other photophoto was taken was taken in 1984. in 1984.

It was It awas studio a studio portrait portrait with with a cheesy a cheesy Christmas Christmas backdrop: backdrop: glittering glittering fist-size fist-snowflakes size snowflakes sus- suspended pended aboveabove the branches the branches of a heavily of a heavily ornamented ornamented pine. pine.

This This time time the same the same woman— woman— Dolores— Dolores— leaned leaned into ainto different a different man,man, captioned captioned as Andres as Andres Russo.

Russo.

He smiled He smiled broadly, broadly, his right his right arm around arm around her shoulher shoulder. Dolores’s der. Dolores’s palmpalm rested rested on the onshoulder the shoulder of a laughing of a laughing teenage teenage girl, girl, who who worewore slouch slouch sockssocks and Dr. andMartens Dr. Martens with with her plaid her plaid skirt.skirt.

Beside Beside her, aher, boya of boyeleven of eleven or twelve or twelve was widewas wideeyed eyed behind behind dark-darkframed framed glasses. glasses.

Nothing Nothing in either in either photophoto suggested suggested a crack a crack in the in couple’s the couple’s intimacy— intimacy— but then, but then, my own my own parents parents had chopped had chopped onions onions and bell and bell peppers peppers side by side side byfor sidefajita for fajita nightnight rightright up until up until the very the very end. They’d end. They’d held held handshands in theincar, the singing car, singing to thetoEagles. the Eagles.

On every On every anniversary, anniversary, they they retoldretold the story the story of how of how they they met: met: two nineteentwo nineteenyear-yearolds cravolds craving Baskining BaskinRobbins Robbins on a rainy on a rainy winter winter night.night.

Fate.Fate.

The way The things way things seemed seemed meant meant nothing. nothing.

I tookI took a sip aofsip cold of coffee cold coffee and began and began to read. to read.

Penelope Penelope RussoRusso was 15 was when 15 when she met sheDolores met Dolores Rivera, Rivera, the woman the woman who would who would become become her stepmother— her stepmother— and change and change her life herforever. life forever.

It wasItDecember was December 1983,1983, and they and spent they spent that first that meeting first meeting decoratdecorating the ingChristmas the Christmas tree in tree Penelope’s in Penelope’s fatherfather Andres’s Andres’s Mexico Mexico City City apartment. apartment.

The tree The was treesmall was small and artificial, and artificial, because because Penelope’s Penelope’s brother, brother, Carlos, Carlos, then 12, thenwas 12,allergic was allergic to thetoreal theones. real ones.

The whole The whole endeavor endeavor took took 20 minutes, 20 minutes, and then and then they they went went to Churrería to Churrería El El MoroMoro for hot forchocolate hot chocolate and churros. and churros.

Even Even from from the start, the start, Penelope Penelope couldcould understand understand her father’s her father’s infatuation infatuation with the withnew thewoman. new woman.

Dolores Dolores was 33 was years 33 years old, aold, suc-a successful cessful international international banker banker from from Laredo Laredo who still whohad stillher hadjob herinjob in 7

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the midst the midst of theofdevastating the devastating peso devaluation. peso devaluation.

She was Shesmart was smart and and magnetic, magnetic, Penelope Penelope remembers, remembers, with with sparkling sparkling brown brown eyes and eyes and a contagious a contagious laugh.laugh.

The memory, The memory, it is clear, it is clear, comescomes at a painful at a painful price:price: to recall to recall Do- Dolores lores is to recall is to recall the pain the of pain being of being deceived, deceived, the shock the shock of trusting of trusting someone— someone— lovingloving someone— someone— whosewhose everyevery wordword turned turned out toout beto be a lie. a lie.

Already, Already, my curiosity my curiosity was mutating, was mutating, growing growing limbs,limbs, sprouting sprouting new and newreaching and reaching fingers. fingers.

I imagined I imagined a parta of part myofmother, my mother, left inleft me,in me, quivering quivering like alike magnet a magnet sensing sensing its opposite. its opposite.

I hadIto had know to know more.more.

The The Laredo Laredo Morning Morning TimesTimes didn’tdidn’t have have muchmuch of a presence of a presence on on Twitter, Twitter, but on butFacebook, on Facebook, local local readers readers tagged tagged each each otherother eagerly, eagerly, whittling whittling the degrees the degrees of separation of separation between between themselves themselves and Dolores: and Dolores: someone’s someone’s aunt aunt used used to work to work with with her; someone’s her; someone’s dad had dadasked had asked her toher to go around go around in high in high school; school; wasn’t wasn’t she the shelady the on ladythat on bank that bank billboard billboard on San on Ber San aBer fewa years few years back,back, the one the close one close to thetobridge? the bridge?

Pobrecitos Pobrecitos los esposos, los esposos, imagine! imagine! and Qué andagüite, Qué agüite, did they didtake theyaway take away her kids? her kids? and No and No fkn way, fkn way, that’sthat’s my neighbor! my neighbor!

Always Always outside outside watering watering her jungle. her jungle.

About About half the halfcomments the comments were were in English, in English, the other the other half in half Spanglish in Spanglish or full or full Spanish, Spanish, so that so Ithat hadIto had open to open Google Google Translate Translate to understand to understand them.them.

Occasionally, Occasionally, obvious obvious outsiders outsiders chimed chimed in: a in: man a man with with an Ameran American ican flag flag as a as profile a profile photophoto wondering wondering whether whether Dolores Dolores was still was still fuckable, fuckable, or a ruddyor a ruddycheeked cheeked whitewhite dude dude in a fisherman’s in a fisherman’s hat writing, hat writing, Fucking Fucking Mexicans.

Mexicans.

Not one Notbut onetwo but incels two incels emerged emerged from from their their semensemenscented scented basements basements to saytothis say was this why was women why women should should be kept be kept as sexas sex slaves— slaves— it wasit the wasonly the only way innocent way innocent men men couldcould protect protect themselves. themselves.

To these To these comments, comments, the women the women responded responded with with variations variations on Goonfuck Go fuck yourself, yourself, pendejo, pendejo, no onenoelse onewill. else will.

I wouldn’t I wouldn’t exactly exactly call itcall nuanced it nuanced commentary. commentary.

When When the front the front door door creaked creaked open,open, I wasI still was sitting still sitting on the ongray the gray love love seat that seat that doubled doubled as myasoffice. my office.

“Shit,” “Shit,” I hissed, I hissed, looking looking at theat the time.time.

It was It after was after four. four.

My fiancé’s My fiancé’s family family farm farm was three was three and aand halfa half 8

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hourshours fromfrom Austin Austin with with no traffic— no traffic— as if there as if there was ever was ever no traffic— no traffic— and they and they were were expecting expecting us forusdinner for dinner at eight. at eight.

I hadn’t I hadn’t even even started started to pack. to pack.

“Hey,“Hey, pretty pretty lady,”lady,” DukeDuke called, called, his initial his initial grin grin fading fading whenwhen he he took took in myinopen my open laptop, laptop, my socked my socked feet. feet.

“Before “Before you ask,” you ask,” I said, I said, meeting meeting him at him theatdoor, the door, “I’m “I’m not quite not quite readyready yet.” yet.”

DukeDuke was broad was broad and sturdy, and sturdy, his skin his silty skin silty with with sweat, sweat, and and he smelled he smelled like pit likefire pitand firehoney and honey whenwhen I kissed I kissed him. him.

DukeDuke hatedhated to beto late. be That late. That was the wasthing the thing aboutabout growing growing up onupa on a dairydairy farm:farm: if youif don’t you don’t milk milk a cowa or cow goat or goat whenwhen you’reyou’re supposed supposed to, to, she’llshe’ll wail wail and stomp and stomp in agony in agony that you thatcaused. you caused.

So Duke So Duke had grown had grown up doing up doing whatwhat he was he supposed was supposed to dotowhen do when he was he supposed was supposed to dotoit.do it.

I’d loved I’d loved that at that theatbeginning the beginning of ourofrelationship, our relationship, how he how called he called and and texted texted and came and came by exactly by exactly whenwhen he promised. he promised.

But itBut didn’t it didn’t leaveleave a a lot oflot room of room for error. for error.

“Work,” “Work,” I added, I added, noticing noticing the glimmer the glimmer of irritation of irritation on hisonface. his face.

“Oh.”“Oh.” Duke’s Duke’s expression expression relaxed relaxed as heasopened he opened the fridge, the fridge, making making sure nothing sure nothing wouldwould go bad gowhile bad while we were we were away.away.

“The“The Antone’s Antone’s retro-retrospective? spective?

I’m excited I’m excited aboutabout that one.” that one.”

DukeDuke was highly was highly supportive supportive of myofnoncrime my noncrime freelance freelance work.work.

To To him my himobsession my obsession was macabre, was macabre, the way the Iway could I could bingebinge hour hour after after hour hour of crime of crime shows, shows, fromfrom prestige prestige documentaries documentaries to Forensic to Forensic Files,Files, de- depending pending on my onmood; my mood; the stack the stack of books of books on my onnightstand my nightstand with with dark dark covers covers and long, and long, bold bold lettering. lettering.

The The podcasts podcasts I listened I listened to during to during my walks— my walks— once once wandering wandering eighteight milesmiles around around the lake the lake because because I I had to had hear to hear just one justmore one more episode episode of Serial— of Serial— and the andmessage the message boards boards I returned I returned to when to when I couldn’t I couldn’t sleep,sleep, my latemy night late-night tumble tumble of rabbit of rabbit holes.holes.

The folder The folder on my ondesktop my desktop labeled labeled “Interesting “Interesting Crimes,” Crimes,” wherewhere I dropped I dropped articles articles and screenshots and screenshots and early and early research. research.

All ofAll this of in this in addition addition to working to working on the onblog the blog for fifteen for fifteen hourshours a week. a week.

But then, But then, look look where where DukeDuke camecame from.from.

Parents Parents who who still still held held handshands fortyforty yearsyears later,later, who called who called on Sundays on Sundays and sent and drysenticed dry-care iced care packages packages of crème of crème fraîche, fraîche, goat goat milk milk yogurt, yogurt, honey, honey, and jams. and jams.

Sib- Siblingslings constantly constantly blowing blowing up the upgroup the group chat chat with with photos photos and memes and memes 9

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and personal and personal news.news.

Childhood Childhood memories memories of brushing of brushing horses’ horses’ flanks flanks until until they they shoneshone like water, like water, and literally and literally coming coming homehome whenwhen the dinthe dinner bell ner rang. bell rang.

EvenEven after after meeting meeting his family, his family, I’d sifted I’d sifted through through his his stories stories for hidden for hidden resentments, resentments, secretsecret trauma, trauma, and found and found nothing. nothing.

He He was boyishly was boyishly open,open, untainted. untainted.

I loved I loved this about this about him. him.

But itBut meant it meant he believed he believed people people were were inherently inherently goodgood and didn’t and didn’t like looking like looking at at evidence evidence to thetocontrary. the contrary.

I never I never wanted wanted to betosurprised be surprised again, again, so I so I looked looked and looked and looked until until even even my dreams my dreams were were bloody. bloody.

“I filed “I filed the Antone’s the Antone’s piecepiece last week,” last week,” I said.

I said.

“No, “No, I found I found this this storystory aboutabout a woman— a woman— a mother— a mother— who who was secretly was secretly married married to two to two men at men theatsame the same time time back back in theineighties. the eighties.

One of One theofhusbands the husbands endedended up murdering up murdering the other.” the other.”

DukeDuke gave gave a halfa laugh, half laugh, throwing throwing out some out some ham ham on the onverge the verge of of goinggoing slimy.slimy.

“Sometimes “Sometimes I wonder I wonder whatwhat it would it would be like be to like gettonorget normal work mal work updates updates fromfrom you.”you.”

“Imagine “Imagine how how muchmuch efforteffort it took it took to pull to that pull off,” that Ioff,” continued, I continued, powering powering off my offlaptop. my laptop.

“And“And why, you why,know? you know?

WhatWhat makes makes a woman, a woman, a mom, a mom, do something do something like that? like that?

Not that Not that mothers mothers always always put their put their children children first”— first”— I should I should know— know— “or even “or even that they that they should, should, but this but this is something is something else.”else.”

“Yeah, “Yeah, it’s definitely it’s definitely weird. weird.

But, Cass— But, Cass— ” Duke ” Duke jangled jangled his keys, his keys, a a nervous nervous tic hetic never he never noticed. noticed.

I glanced I glanced up, on up,alert. on alert.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah?”

He crossed He crossed the room the room to where to where I crouched, I crouched, pulling pulling my charger my charger fromfrom the wall. the wall.

“We’ve “We’ve hardly hardly seen seen each each otherother lately.lately.

Can Can we take we take a a breakbreak fromfrom workwork this weekend? this weekend?

Maybe Maybe leaveleave the laptop the laptop behind behind and and makemake it, like, it, alike, murdera murderfree zone?” free zone?”

I laughed, I laughed, though though my grip my grip tightened tightened on my oncharger. my charger.

It was It easy was easy for him for to him suggest to suggest leaving leaving workwork behind— behind— it wasn’t it wasn’t like he like could he could smoke smoke the brisket the brisket for his forfood his food trucktruck at theatfarm. the farm.

And And if Salifcalled Sal called with with a a problem problem over over the weekend, the weekend, he’d he’d obviously obviously answer. answer.

The The food food trucktruck was his wasbusiness. his business.

Crime Crime was mine. was mine.

Sort Sort of. of.

But he Butwas he right. was right.

For weeks For weeks we’d we’d only only been been catching catching each each otherother in moments: in moments: a twentya twentyminute minute dinner dinner breakbreak at theatfood the food park;park; the octhe oc10

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casional casional mindless mindless moviemovie on Netflix; on Netflix; half-asleep half-asleep sex that sex almost that almost felt felt like alike dream a dream in theinmorning. the morning.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

I exhaled I exhaled as I as setI the set charger the charger down, down, already already feeling feeling strangely strangely limbless. limbless.

“Sure.“Sure.

Family Family time.time.

No murder.

No murder.

Promise.”

Promise.”

I-35 Iwas, -35 was, as expected, as expected, a parking a parking lot. Duke lot. Duke bit back bit back any accusations any accusations and asked and asked me tometext to text the group the group chat chat that that they they couldcould startstart eating eating without without us. Inus.return, In return, I resisted I resisted the nearthe nearconstant constant urge urge to research to research Dolores Dolores Rivera Rivera on my onphone. my phone.

By the By time the time the sky the screamed sky screamed with with sunset, sunset, we were we were relaxed relaxed and holding and holding hands, hands, dreaming dreaming up honeymoon up honeymoon destinations— destinations— the food the food in Laos in Laos was supposed was supposed to betoincredible, be incredible, DukeDuke said; said; I toldI told him him aboutabout an article an article I’d read I’d read aboutabout hiking hiking glaciers glaciers in in Iceland— Iceland— drunk drunk on possibility on possibility whilewhile ignoring ignoring everyevery practicality, practicality, be- beginning ginning with with the fact the that fact that we had we no hadmoney no money and hadn’t and hadn’t planned planned a a damndamn thingthing for the forwedding the wedding itself.itself.

It wasIt nearly was nearly nine nine whenwhen we reached we reached the farm, the farm, 150 acres 150 acres bordered bordered by a by foura fourrail white rail white wooden wooden fence,fence, with with a stone a stone sign sign reading reading Mur-Murphy Family phy Family Farm,Farm, Est. 1985.

Est. 1985.

Duke’s Duke’s F-150F-150 joltedjolted and clanged and clanged on the on the roughrough gravel gravel road road as weaspassed we passed the goat the goat pen with pen with its threeits threewalled walled tin structure, tin structure, where where the goats the goats slept slept on shelves on shelves at various at various heights heights like kids like kids at summer at summer camp.camp.

We passed We passed the coop the coop with with threethree hundred hundred laying laying hens hens and the and cow the cow pasture pasture and stables and stables and corral and corral before before fi- finallynally approaching approaching the shiny the shiny red milking red milking barn barn and white and white metalmetal storestore stocked stocked with with freshfresh milk milk and eggs, and eggs, in-season in-season vegetables, vegetables, and the andlavthe lavenderender soap soap and candles and candles Duke’s Duke’s mom,mom, Caroline, Caroline, mademade by hand. by hand.

Just Just beyond beyond was the wasfarmhouse. the farmhouse.

Wraparound Wraparound porchporch lit uplitbright, up bright, double double swing swing and rocking and rocking chairschairs waiting waiting for desultory for desultory after-afterdinner dinner drinks. drinks.

The The winewine wentwent downdown easy easy here.here.

And And peacefully, peacefully, too. Itoo. stillI still wasn’t wasn’t used used to that. to that.

Inside, Inside, we took we took off our off shoes our shoes at theatdoor, the door, lininglining themthem up underup underneathneath the scratched the scratched and scarred and scarred entryway entryway bench. bench.

The wide The wide wooden wooden planks planks were were smooth smooth underfoot, underfoot, softened softened in places in places by faded by faded rugs rugs in in shades shades of saffron of saffron and ocher. and ocher.

We followed We followed the sound the sound of laughter of laughter and and 11

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conversation conversation to thetodining the dining room,room, wherewhere everyone everyone was sitting was sitting at theat the long long farmhouse farmhouse tabletable that that Duke’s Duke’s grandfather grandfather had made had made by hand by hand rightright before before shipping shipping off tooffWorld to World War War II. The II. The tabletable was set waswith set with burlap burlap placeplace mats mats and hammered and hammered copper copper salt and saltpepper and pepper shakers, shakers, and and therethere were were several several openopen bottles bottles of wine, of wine, evidence evidence of fresh of fresh breadbread and and butter, butter, but no butdinner. no dinner.

They’d They’d waited waited for us. forOfus.course Of course they they had. had.

“Here“Here you are!” you are!” said said Caroline.

Caroline.

The The low light low light fromfrom the wooden the wooden chandelier chandelier caught caught the three the three silversilver earrings earrings curling curling up each up each ear asear sheas she stood.stood.

She wore She wore her blond her blond hair short hair short and spiky, and spiky, and when and when she hugged she hugged me, Ime, melted I melted into her into strong, her strong, solid solid body.body.

She squeezed She squeezed Duke,Duke, then then turned turned to histofather. his father.

“Alf, “Alf, comecome help in help theinkitchen, the kitchen, will you?” will you?”

Alf was Alf slighter was slighter than than Caroline, Caroline, softersofter spoken, spoken, with with a silver a silver han- handlebar dlebar mustache mustache and aand Cowboys a Cowboys cap he caphung he hung off a off brass a brass hookhook on the on the wall.wall.

“With “With pleasure,” pleasure,” he drawled. he drawled.

“We “We told you toldguys you guys not tonot wait!” to wait!”

DukeDuke said. said.

His younger His younger sistersister AllieAllie rolledrolled her eyes her eyes with with a smile. a smile.

“Like“Like that that was going was going to happen.” to happen.”

AllieAllie was twentywas twentyfive, five, petite, petite, with with neat,neat, cleanclean features— features— bright bright blue blue eyes eyes aboveabove youthful youthful freckled freckled cheeks. cheeks.

Stephie Stephie was in was herinsophoher sophomoremore year year at Northwestern at Northwestern and apparently and apparently in theinmiddle the middle of urging of urging Kyle,Kyle, the youngest, the youngest, to apply to apply for the forfollowing the following year year so they so they couldcould be inbe in school school together together again.again.

Five Five minutes minutes later,later, we were we were squeezed squeezed between between AllieAllie and Duke’s and Duke’s olderolder brother, brother, Dylan, Dylan, cutting cutting into into herb-herbrubbed rubbed chicken chicken that that was was somehow somehow still tender still tender and warm. and warm.

Dylan Dylan bragged bragged aboutabout Allie’s Allie’s latestlatest barrelbarrel racing racing stats.stats.

She accepted She accepted the praise the praise mattermatterof-factly, of-factly, adding, adding, “They “They nevernever saw us sawcoming.” us coming.”

The conversation The conversation meandered meandered comfortcomfortably. ably.

How’sHow’s the food the truck, food truck, Duke— Duke— Hey, Cassie, Hey, Cassie, did hedid ever he tell everyou tellabout you about the time— the time— Can someone Can someone pass the passpotatoes— the potatoes— Mom,Mom, do wedohave we have any coffee any coffee milk this milktime— this time— Did y’all Did remember y’all remember to restock to restock the shelves— the shelves— When’s When’s MillieMillie due todue calve? to calve?

BeingBeing here here was like was getting like getting into bed into at bed theatend the of end a long of a long day—day— warm, warm, safe, safe, comfortable. comfortable.

But IBut couldn’t I couldn’t help help wondering wondering how how manymany 12

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Facebook Facebook comments comments had been had been addedadded to the to Dolores the Dolores Rivera Rivera storystory sincesince we’d we’d left Austin. left Austin.

How How manymany article article shares? shares?

ThereThere was no wasway no Iway I was the wasonly the only reporter reporter who’dwho’d looked looked at theatitalicized the italicized line below line below the the article— article— Dolores Dolores Rivera Rivera declined declined to be tointerviewed— be interviewed— and seen and seen somesomethingthing else: else: an opportunity. an opportunity.

I’d felt I’ditfelt right it right away.away.

An intimate An intimate storystory fromfrom the perspective the perspective of a of a rare rare female female bigamist, bigamist, whose whose crimecrime led toled murder? to murder?

ThatThat was special. was special.

ThatThat couldcould be big. be Harper’s big. Harper’s big. New big. New Yorker Yorker big. In big.Cold In Cold BloodBlood had had started started as a as New a New Yorker Yorker series. series.

One One long-longformform true true crimecrime piecepiece to to launch launch my career. my career.

I wasI so wasfucking so fucking sick of sick theofblog, the blog, of being of being broke, broke, consulting consulting my overduemy overdueinvoices invoices spreadsheet spreadsheet everyevery Friday Friday afternoon, afternoon, sending sending my “just my “just following following up” emails, up” emails, hoping hoping to strike to strike the right the right tone tone of polite of polite assertiveness assertiveness that wouldn’t that wouldn’t get me getblackballed me blackballed from from the the publication. publication.

If I didn’t If I didn’t get paid get paid at least at least five hundred five hundred dollars dollars by the by the time time rent was rent due was on dueThursday, on Thursday, I’d have I’d have to tell toDuke— tell Duke— again.again.

He’d He’d say we’d say we’d figure figure it out— it out— again.again.

Suggest— Suggest— again— again— we open we open a joint a joint ac- account. count.

Wouldn’t Wouldn’t it be it easier be easier to pay toall payour allbills our bills fromfrom the same the same place?place?

Less Less stressful? stressful?

It probably It probably was, was, for some for some people. people.

And And I wished I wished I were I were one of one them, of them, I did,I but did,the butthought the thought of combining of combining our finances our finances mademade me feel melike feelburying like burying myself myself alive.alive.

“Cass?”

“Cass?”

DukeDuke reached reached for my forhand, my hand, teasing teasing my marquise my marquise sapphire sapphire with with his thumb. his thumb.

The ring The ring had belonged had belonged to Duke’s to Duke’s grandmother, grandmother, and and I always I always felt infelt it in theitweight the weight of a family’s of a family’s history, history, its memories its memories and and unions. unions.

It made It made me feel me like feel Ilike belonged I belonged somewhere. somewhere.

“What “What do you do you think?” think?” he asked, he asked, smiling. smiling.

“Sorry,” “Sorry,” I said, I said, sheepish. sheepish.

Everyone Everyone was looking was looking at me. at“What me. “What do do I think I think aboutabout what?” what?”

Duke’s Duke’s jaw tightened. jaw tightened.

“Mom “Mom was just wassuggesting— just suggesting— ” ” “Offering!”

“Offering!”

Caroline Caroline waved waved her hands. her hands.

“You“You can absolutely can absolutely say no.” say no.”

“Offering,” “Offering,” DukeDuke said, said, softening, softening, “that“that we have we have the wedding the wedding here here on the onfarm.” the farm.”

It hadIt been had been sevenseven months months sincesince DukeDuke proposed. proposed.

The The cold cold FerrisFerris wheelwheel seat at seat theatTrail the Trail of Lights of Lights had trembled had trembled beneath beneath us, hovering us, hovering 13

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over over treestrees illuminated illuminated in bright in bright primary primary colors, colors, and the andcity the itself city itself had sparkled had sparkled against against the dark the dark sky. My sky.chest My chest achedached with with an old, an tenold, tender memory. der memory.

I’d cried I’d cried as I said as I yes. said yes.

But the Butaverage the average cost of cost a wedding of a wedding in this in country this country was thirtywas thirtyfive five thousand thousand dollars. dollars.

WhoWho had that had kind that kind of money of money lyinglying around around or was or was willing willing to gotointo go that into much that much debt debt for one for day? one day?

EvenEven the dresses the dresses on on sale at saleDavid’s at David’s Bridal, Bridal, whichwhich I’d taken I’d taken a tepid a tepid look look at online, at online, cost cost sevenseven hundred hundred bucks. bucks.

And And as soon as soon as weasdecided we decided on a location, on a location, they’d they’d wantwant a deposit, a deposit, whichwhich we didn’t we didn’t have.have.

So, we’d So, we’d been been stuck.stuck.

NowNow here here was Caroline, was Caroline, offering offering the perfect the perfect solution, solution, whichwhich I I couldn’t couldn’t believe believe we hadn’t we hadn’t already already considered. considered.

I could I could see itsee now, it now, the neat the neat rowsrows of white of white chairschairs arranged arranged before before a trellised a trellised gazebo gazebo Alf Alf would would makemake by hand. by hand.

Caroline Caroline would would bake bake a tiered a tiered nakednaked cake,cake, its its buttery buttery sidessides dusted dusted with with powdered powdered sugar.sugar.

DukeDuke and Iand would I would walkwalk to to the altar the altar together, together, and I’d andofficially I’d officially become become a parta part of a family of a family wherewhere everyone everyone had grown had grown up sleeping up sleeping with with theirtheir doorsdoors widewide open,open, no no shouting shouting to stifle, to stifle, nothing nothing to fear. to fear.

“Yes,”“Yes,” I blurted.

I blurted.

“Of course.

“Of course.

I mean, I mean, right?” right?”

I saidIto said Duke. to Duke.

“That’s “That’s perfect.” perfect.”

DukeDuke grinned. grinned.

In the In chandelier’s the chandelier’s low light, low light, his eyes his eyes were were the the colorcolor of maple of maple syrupsyrup spread spread thin. thin.

“It is“It perfect.” is perfect.”

Caroline Caroline clapped, clapped, and Dylan and Dylan wentwent into the intokitchen the kitchen for the forbotthe bottle oftle champagne of champagne Alf thought Alf thought he remembered he remembered seeing seeing in theinback the back of of the fridge. the fridge.

My phone My phone vibrated vibrated in myinpocket. my pocket.

I froze I froze midlaugh midlaugh as Andrew’s as Andrew’s face filled face filled the screen. the screen.

An old Anphoto, old photo, his skin his redskingold red-gold in theinsunset the sunset at at GreatGreat Salt Plains Salt Plains Lake.Lake.

Though Though his legs his were legs were out ofout frame, of frame, I knew I knew his jeans his jeans were were rolledrolled to thetoknees, the knees, his calves his calves immersed immersed in theinclear the clear shallow shallow water.water.

My heart My heart seized seized at theathappy the happy way he waywas he looking was looking at at the camera. the camera.

At me.

At me.

I wasI suddenly was suddenly awareaware of myofown my own heartbeat, heartbeat, its guilty its guilty thuds, thuds, as I as I declined declined the call. the Andrew. call. Andrew.

He’d He’d comecome into my intolife myright life right as myasmother my mother left it.left He’d it. He’d savedsaved me that me summer. that summer.

FromFrom my grief, my grief, fromfrom myself. myself.

But IBut I 14

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nevernever knewknew whatwhat mightmight be onbethe onother the other end ofend hisofcalls, his calls, whichwhich meant meant I could I could nevernever answer answer in front in front of Duke. of Duke.

There There was too wasmuch too much he didn’t he didn’t know.know.

Too much Too much to risk to by risktelling by telling him. him.

It was It almost was almost midnight midnight whenwhen we crawled we crawled into Duke’s into Duke’s old pine old pine bed, bed, my back my back to histochest, his chest, his hand his hand on my onhip. mySleep hip. Sleep on the onfarm the farm was usuwas usually like ally alike holea Ihole stumbled I stumbled into in into theindark, the dark, one moment one moment tethered tethered to to the ground, the ground, the next the next falling. falling.

Gone.Gone.

But not Buttonight. not tonight.

Tonight, Tonight, my thoughts my thoughts kept kept flitting flitting between between An- Andrewdrew and Dolores and Dolores Rivera.

Rivera.

If something If something was wrong, was wrong, Andrew Andrew wouldwould have have calledcalled again, again, I reassured I reassured myself. myself.

He would He would have have texted texted me. And me. And why why was itwas that it some that some people, people, like Duke, like Duke, couldcould hear hear aboutabout a woman a woman who’dwho’d livedlived a complete a complete double double life that life led thattoleda murder, to a murder, and simply and simply move move on, while on, while others, others, like me, likeworried me, worried the threads the threads of that of story that story like like yarn yarn between between fingers, fingers, scraping scraping the skin the raw? skin raw?

DukeDuke kissed kissed the spot the spot belowbelow my jaw mythat jaw made that made me shiver. me shiver.

“I’m so “I’m so happyhappy we’rewe’re goinggoing to gettomarried get married here,”here,” he whispered. he whispered.

“Me “Me too,” too,” I said, I said, though though my mind my mind was still was on stillDolores, on Dolores, thinking thinking aboutabout the buythe in buyyou’d in you’d need need for someone for someone to believe to believe you’reyou’re essentially essentially alonealone in the in world. the world.

WhatWhat had Andres had Andres Russo’s Russo’s family family and friends and friends thought thought of hisofwife, his wife, a woman a woman with with a foota in foot two in countries? two countries?

WhoWho had had gonegone to their to their wedding? wedding?

Didn’t Didn’t anyone anyone wonder wonder why she whyhad sheno hadfamily no family in attendance, in attendance, no friends? no friends?

My stomach My stomach lurched lurched as I realized as I realized my own my own side of side theofaisle the aisle wouldwould be nearly be nearly as empty— as empty— everything, everything, everyone everyone I wasI missing was missing creating creating its its own own gravity, gravity, impossible impossible to ignore. to ignore.

The truth The truth is it doesn’t is it doesn’t take take elab-elaborateorate lies, only lies, only beingbeing with with someone someone who who doesn’t doesn’t push push to know to know the the things things you don’t you don’t wantwant to reveal. to reveal.

When When Duke’s Duke’s arm arm loosened loosened around around me inmesleep, in sleep, I pulled I pulled my my phonephone off the offcharger the charger and texted and texted Andrew: Andrew: SorrySorry I missed I missed your call. your Is call. Is everything everything okay?okay?

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The ellipsis The ellipsis appeared. appeared.

Disappeared.

Disappeared.

Appeared Appeared again, again, followed followed by: by: Yeah.Yeah.

I stared I stared at theatword the word until until my eyes my burned. eyes burned.

Yeah.Yeah.

Simple, Simple, curt. curt.

He He may as may well as have well have written written Fuck Fuck you. you.

Okay,Okay, I responded.

I responded.

I’ll call I’llyou callsoon you so soon wesocan wecatch can catch up. I up. hesitated, I hesitated, remembering remembering the warmth the warmth of hisofskin his on skinmine on mine so long so long ago. Iago. missI you. miss you.

This This time,time, nothing nothing appeared appeared after after the ellipsis. the ellipsis.

My heart My heart was awas a cometcomet trailing trailing fire in fire myinchest. my chest.

I putI the put phone the phone awayaway and closed and closed my eyes, my eyes, but Ibut wasI viciously was viciously awake. awake.

Carefully, Carefully, I edged I edged out ofout bed, of plunging bed, plunging my hand my hand into my intodufmy duffel bag fel and bag rummaging and rummaging belowbelow jeansjeans and tops and tops and underwear and underwear until until I I felt the feltfamiliar the familiar comfort comfort of cold of steel. cold steel.

ThenThen I pulled I pulled out the outlaptop the laptop I’d I’d promised promised DukeDuke I would I would leaveleave behind. behind.

I settled I settled crosscrosslegged legged onto onto the floor, the floor, my back my back against against the bed. the bed.

The computer The computer chimed chimed softlysoftly whenwhen I turned I turned it on.itDuke on. Duke shifted shifted as theas the roomroom lightened lightened with with electronic electronic blue. blue.

I heldI held my breath, my breath, curved curved over over the screen, the screen, dimming dimming it with it with my body. my body.

AfterAfter a moment, a moment, the covers the covers stilled. stilled.

His breathing His breathing deepened. deepened.

Exhaling, Exhaling, I pulled I pulled up the upLaredo the Laredo Morning Morning TimesTimes piecepiece again.again.

Do- Doloreslores Rivera Rivera and Andres and Andres Russo Russo had been had been married married for just for under just under a a year, year, together together for nearly for nearly three,three, whenwhen Russo’s Russo’s bodybody was found was found at theat the HotelHotel Botanica, Botanica, a motor a motor inn ininn Laredo, in Laredo, on August on August 2, 1986.

2, 1986.

It wasn’t It wasn’t long long before before the police the police discovered discovered that that Russo, Russo, who who livedlived in Mexico in Mexico City, City, was in was town in town to visit to visit his wife, his wife, Dolores Dolores Rivera.

Rivera.

(So why (So why was he was he staying staying at a motel at a motel instead instead of with of with Dolores?

Dolores?

Where Where did he didthink he think she she lived?) lived?)

He was He believed was believed to have to have been been “shot“shot the evening the evening before, before, on a on a day temperatures day temperatures soared soared to a recordto a recordbreaking breaking 117 degrees 117 degrees before before a a muchmuchneeded needed rain cooled rain cooled things things off.” off.”

The detectives The detectives at theattime, the time, Manuel Manuel Zamora Zamora and Ben and Cortez, Ben Cortez, had had questioned questioned both both Dolores Dolores and Fabian, and Fabian, but ifbut she’d if she’d been been a suspect a suspect ini- initiallytially (which (which of course of course she was), she was), soon soon Fabian Fabian eclipsed eclipsed her asher a person as a person of interest: of interest: a clerk a clerk had seen had seen him leaving him leaving the motel the motel around around 10 p.m.

10 p.m. on August on August 1, which 1, which turned turned out toout fittosquarely fit squarely within within the window the window of of Russo’s Russo’s time time of death. of death.

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Fabian Fabian was was no criminal no criminal mastermind— mastermind— he’d he’d also also left aleft partial a partial printprint in Russo’s in Russo’s room,room, and the andslug the lodged slug lodged in Russo’s in Russo’s bodybody was later was later matched matched to ammunition to ammunition foundfound in Fabian in Fabian and Dolores’s and Dolores’s home,home, ammuammunitionnition used used for the forRuger the Ruger MarkMark II .22IIcaliber .22 caliber pistolpistol Fabian Fabian claimed claimed to have to have lost. lost.

The The bulletbullet had entered had entered fromfrom the right the right side of side Russo’s of Russo’s chest,chest, tearing tearing through through his eighth his eighth rib torib lodge to lodge within within the soft the tissue soft tissue of hisoflateral his lateral rightright back.back.

It fractured It fractured the rib theand ribpunctured and punctured the lower the lower rightright lung.lung.

Russo Russo had drowned had drowned in thirteen in thirteen and aand halfa ounces half ounces of hisof his own own blood.blood.

The The reporter reporter traded traded gleefully gleefully in these in these details, details, though though I’d been I’d been writing writing my own my own grotesqueries grotesqueries long long enough enough to know to know whatwhat they they masked: masked: a lacka of lack any of real any insight real insight into the intocrime. the crime.

Not only Not only the murthe murder, but der, the but crime the crime that that had led had to ledthe to murder— the murder— Dolores’s Dolores’s double double marriage. marriage.

Instead, Instead, therethere werewere quotes quotes fromfrom Dolores’s Dolores’s former former step-stepdaughter, daughter, Penelope Penelope Russo, Russo, calling calling her aher monster a monster who’dwho’d used used their their fam- family and ilythrown and thrown themthem away,away, like trash. like trash.

As a As treat, a treat, the reporter the reporter indulged indulged in a little in a little armchair armchair pathologizing, pathologizing, questioning questioning whether whether Dolores Dolores was was a psychopath a psychopath or merely or merely a narcissist, a narcissist, and maybe and maybe that shouldn’t that shouldn’t have have pissed pissed me off, me but off, itbut did— it did— he was he one was step one step awayaway fromfrom calling calling her her crazy,crazy, that one thatword one word with with the power the power to dismiss to dismiss everyevery aspect aspect of womof women’s emotional en’s emotional and intellectual and intellectual lives,lives, our motivations our motivations and desires. and desires.

Which, Which, especially especially in their in their absence, absence, were were the most the most interesting interesting partsparts of this of story. this story.

The The first first search search results results for Dolores for Dolores Rivera’s Rivera’s namename paired paired with with Laredo Laredo were were the article the article and its and various its various comment comment threads. threads.

The paper’s The paper’s online online archives archives only only wentwent as farasback far back as 2005, as 2005, with with similar similar results results for all forother all other majormajor TexasTexas cities.cities.

Whatever Whatever had been had been written written aboutabout her ather theattime the time of theofmurder the murder was relegated was relegated to a reference to a reference library library somewhere. somewhere.

AfterAfter the Laredo the Laredo Morning Morning TimesTimes piece,piece, therethere was awas retirement a retirement announcement announcement fromfrom five years five years ago— ago— astonishingly, astonishingly, fromfrom the same the same bankbank wherewhere Dolores Dolores had worked had worked in theineighties. the eighties.

It featured It featured whatwhat I I assumed assumed was awas semia semiupdated updated headshot: headshot: Dolores Dolores with with a thick, a thick, straight straight collarcollarlength length bob, her bob,hair her mostly hair mostly still dark, still dark, wearing wearing red lipstick red lipstick and and 17

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a matching a matching silk shirt. silk shirt.

Her brown Her brown eyes eyes were were warm, warm, competent, competent, and and amused. amused.

She was She still was an stillattractive an attractive woman. woman.

Had Had she been she been in other in other serious serious relationships relationships sincesince the murder? the murder?

WhoWho would would be able be to able trust to trust her after her after whatwhat she’dshe’d done?done?

AfterAfter the retirement the retirement announcement announcement and an andoutdated an outdated LinkedIn LinkedIn page,page, the results the results lost accuracy, lost accuracy, linking linking to Spanish to Spanish GoFundMes GoFundMes and and college college volleyball volleyball gamegame writewriteups. Iups. searched I searched for her foron hersocial on social mediamedia with with no results. no results.

ThenThen I reopened I reopened the Laredo the Laredo Morning Morning TimesTimes article. article.

There There werewere Dolores Dolores and Fabian, and Fabian, with with theirtheir handshands on the on oversize the oversize scissors. scissors.

And And theirtheir sons.sons.

Mateo Mateo and Gabriel and Gabriel Rivera Rivera mustmust be inbetheir in their midforties midforties now. now.

I I started started with with Mateo: Mateo: easy. easy.

He owned He owned a veterinary a veterinary clinicclinic in San in AnSan Antoniotonio and reminded and reminded me ofme theofserious the serious runners runners at theatlake, the lake, tall and tall and greyhoundgreyhoundlean, lean, with with silvering silvering dark dark hair. hair.

Mateo Mateo didn’tdidn’t have have any perany personalsonal socialsocial media, media, but the butclinic the clinic maintained maintained an enthusiastic an enthusiastic Insta-Instagramgram account. account.

In photos In photos with with animals, animals, Mateo Mateo was almost was almost always always smiling: smiling: caught caught midlaugh midlaugh between between threethree lion-headed lion-headed pit bulls pit bulls at anat an outdoor outdoor adoption adoption event,event, or beaming or beaming as heas held he aheld drooping a drooping pug puppy pug puppy with with an IVantaped IV taped to itsto arm: its arm: ClydeClyde is off is oxygen! off oxygen!

But with But with otherother people people Mateo Mateo seemed seemed serious, serious, almost almost awkward— awkward— too much too much spacespace between between him and him the andperson the person beside beside him in him a group in a group shot, shot, a hand a hand hovering hovering in- insteadstead of resting of resting on a shoulder. on a shoulder.

Gabriel, Gabriel, on the onother the other hand,hand, was awas seasoned a seasoned and prolific and prolific Facebook Facebook poster. poster.

He was He awas bulla necked bull-necked high high school school basketball basketball coach, coach, with with a a blackblack goatee goatee and aand gold a gold class class ring ring on one on hand, one hand, a wedding a wedding bandband on on the other. the other.

In clips In clips of hisofgames, his games, he flung he flung out his outarms, his arms, eyes eyes cast to cast to the rafters, the rafters, whenwhen players players missed missed a freeathrow. free throw.

WithWith the volume the volume off, the off, the gesture gesture looked looked almost almost rapturous. rapturous.

I could I could imagine imagine his voice his voice in the in the lockerlocker roomroom afterward, afterward, though, though, bouncing bouncing off the offdull, the dull, slatted slatted metalmetal doors:doors: Is thisIswhat this what we practice we practice for? To for?lose Tothe losepoints the points that are thathanded are handed to to us? Something us? Something aboutabout him— him— the predatory the predatory way he way paced he paced by the bybench, the bench, the expansiveness the expansiveness of hisofgestures— his gestures— mademade him seem him seem like alike yeller. a yeller.

ThenThen again, again, therethere were were the photos the photos of him ofwith him with his sons. his sons.

I stared I stared at at 18

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one in one particular in particular for a for long a long time.time.

Joseph Joseph and Michael and Michael were were threethree and and five. Gabriel five. Gabriel was kneeling was kneeling in patchy in patchy grass,grass, his arms his arms around around them,them, the the sons sons each each wearing wearing a neon a neon greengreen Velcro Velcro mitt.mitt.

OverOver the skinny the skinny shoulshoulder ofder theofolder the older one, Gabriel’s one, Gabriel’s eyes were eyes were closed. closed.

His smile His smile was painfully was painfully tender. tender.

His wife, His wife, Brenda, Brenda, had posted had posted the photo the photo tagging tagging Gabriel, Gabriel, with with the caption the caption Mi corazón.

Mi corazón.

For some For some reason, reason, I tookI took a screenshot. a screenshot.

Gabriel Gabriel and Brenda, and Brenda, a “leadership a “leadership consultant,” consultant,” whatever whatever that that meant, meant, still lived still lived in Laredo. in Laredo.

TheyThey likedliked fried fried sushisushi rolls rolls stuffed stuffed with with cream cream cheese cheese and jalapeños and jalapeños and had and once had once won won a radio a radio contest contest to eatto eat barbecue barbecue with with the Eli theYoung Eli Young BandBand at Rudy’s at Rudy’s and recently and recently finished finished construction construction on a on fortresslike a fortresslike stucco stucco househouse in a subdivision in a subdivision calledcalled Alexander Alexander Estates.

Estates.

According According to Google to Google Maps,Maps, the neighborhood the neighborhood was was rightright beside beside the high the high school school wherewhere Gabriel Gabriel coached. coached.

In a In video a video Ga- Gabriel briel posted, posted, he zoomed he zoomed in oninthe onedge the edge of theofcement the cement driveway, driveway, whichwhich bore bore four handprints four handprints in a row, in a row, fromfrom largelarge to tiny. to tiny.

I scrolled I scrolled through through hundreds hundreds of photos of photos on Facebook on Facebook and Instaand Instagram, gram, watching watching Gabriel’s Gabriel’s and Brenda’s and Brenda’s lives lives flow flow backward backward untiluntil they they diverged diverged and their and their future future together together was only was only one possibility one possibility out out of millions. of millions.

WhatWhat a foolhardy a foolhardy thing,thing, splaying splaying yourself yourself out like out this like this for anyone for anyone to see, to evidence see, evidence of that of very that very human human desiredesire to betoknown. be known.

Well,Well, here here I was,I was, coming coming to know to know themthem like alike tracker a tracker comes comes to know to know an animal an animal through through its scuffs its scuffs in theindirt, the dirt, its scent its scent on the onwind. the wind.

Startled, Startled, I realized I realized DukeDuke was no waslonger no longer snoring. snoring.

The The roomroom was was silent.silent.

For aFor moment a moment I swore I swore I could I could feel his feelgaze his gaze raking raking over over my my back back as I did as Iexactly did exactly whatwhat I’d promised I’d promised not tonot doto ondothis ontrip. this Itrip. turned I turned around around slowly, slowly, preparing preparing for the forshake the shake of hisofhead, his head, the disappointed the disappointed slantslant of hisofmouth. his mouth.

But he But was he asleep. was asleep.

Or atOr least at least pretending pretending to be.to be.

I scrolled I scrolled forward forward againagain through through Gabriel’s Gabriel’s photos, photos, quick,quick, delib-deliberate.erate.

And And therethere she was— she was— Dolores Dolores Rivera.

Rivera.

Rarely Rarely in theinforeground the foreground and yet andseemingly yet seemingly always always there,there, part part of theofscaffolding the scaffolding of Gabriel’s of Gabriel’s and Brenda’s and Brenda’s lives.lives.

She was She proud was proud in a gold in a gold gowngown in theinfirst the first pew of pew of a church a church for their for their wedding. wedding.

Her hands Her hands covered covered in mushy in mushy orange orange baby baby food food as she asfed sheJoseph fed Joseph at a high at a high chairchair two years two years ago. ago.

Standing Standing at a at a basketball basketball game,game, palmspalms cupped cupped into ainto megaphone a megaphone around around her mouth. her mouth.

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Picking Picking up strewn up strewn wrapping wrapping paperpaper at a kid’s at a kid’s birthday birthday party.party.

ThatThat photo, photo, in particular, in particular, mademade my breath my breath catch.catch.

It reminded It reminded me ofme a day of a day I tried I tried not tonot think to think about, about, one that one had thatdefined had defined my entire my entire existence. existence.

The point The point was this: was this: despite despite the wreckage the wreckage her choices her choices left behind, left behind, Dolores Dolores hadn’t hadn’t lost her lostsons. her sons.

Somehow, Somehow, it seemed it seemed they’d they’d been been able to able to forgive forgive her. How her. How had they had they done done that?that?

How How had she hadearned she earned it? it?

I’d never I’d never been been able to ableforgive to forgive my own my own mother. mother.

WhatWhat wouldwould she she thinkthink of a woman of a woman like Dolores, like Dolores, someone someone who’d who’d wanted wanted moremore than than the life theshe lifehad, she or had, a different or a different life, and life,spun and spun one into one existence? into existence?

Again, Again, I looked I looked at theat brief, the brief, italicized italicized sentence sentence rightright belowbelow the the article: article: Dolores Dolores Rivera Rivera declined declined to be to interviewed. be interviewed.

Well,Well, now now that the thatstory the story was out, was maybe out, maybe she would she would be ready be ready to to tell her tellside. her side.

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Outside Outside the Aeropuerto the Aeropuerto Internacional, Internacional, LoreLore Rivera Rivera shrugs shrugs out ofout herof her dark dark blazerblazer and slips and slips the pack the pack of Marlboros— of Marlboros— a dollar a dollar a pack, a pack, nearly nearly twicetwice whatwhat they they cost three cost three yearsyears ago, when ago, when things things were were good— good— fromfrom the zippered the zippered compartment compartment of heroftote. her tote.

In Mexico, In Mexico, she smokes. she smokes.

Fabian Fabian wouldwould be shocked be shocked if he ifknew, he knew, and pissed and pissed at theatunnecessary the unnecessary extravaextravagance. gance.

This This is part is of part theofpleasure. the pleasure.

Mexico Mexico City City is allispleasure all pleasure to her. to The her. The wild wild swerving swerving rush rush of of taxis,taxis, the buses the buses on their on their labyrinthine, labyrinthine, timetabled timetabled missions, missions, the orange the orange canopy canopy of smog of smog suspended suspended between between the city theand citythe andclouds. the clouds.

She adores She adores the threethe threeminute minute walkwalk through through gasolinegasolinesoaked soaked air toair thetoTerminal the Terminal Aérea, Aérea, where where she will she take will take the metro the metro to thetoPantitlán the Pantitlán station station before before changing changing lines,lines, then then walking walking the last theten lastminutes ten minutes through through the Centro the Centro Histórico Histórico to her to hotel— her hotel— a fortya fortyfive-minute five-minute trip, trip, all forward all forward thrust, thrust, shoulder shoulder to shoulder to shoulder with with moremore people people than than she’dshe’d see insee a week in a week in in Laredo, Laredo, whose whose entireentire population population couldcould be contained be contained in just inone justofone theof the shantytowns shantytowns outside outside DF, thousands DF, thousands of shacks of shacks pimpling pimpling the hillsides, the hillsides, staggered staggered against against one another one another like drunks like drunks at theatend theofend theofnight. the night.

Her first Her first few trips few trips here,here, she was she glad was glad to betotraveling be traveling with with Oscar, Oscar,

K A T KI EA TGI UE T GI U ER TR I EE RZ R E Z

another another international international banking banking officer. officer.

She’dShe’d nevernever been been anywhere anywhere bigger bigger than than San Antonio, San Antonio, nevernever been been sweptswept alongalong a human a human wavewave into ainto citya that city instantly that instantly inhaled inhaled her into her its intohot itsmouth hot mouth of teeth of teeth and and tongue. tongue.

She’dShe’d nevernever had to hadnavigate to navigate a subway a subway system system or memorize or memorize mapsmaps in advance in advance lest she lestmark she mark herself herself a tourist. a tourist.

She was She glad, was glad, then,then, to have to have OscarOscar to follow, to follow, to study. to study.

Now Now her aloneness her aloneness in a city in athis citysize this size is intoxicating. is intoxicating.

Nobody Nobody knows knows her. She her. could She could be anyone. be anyone.

She could She could become become anyone. anyone.

As Lore As Lore boards boards the metro, the metro, exhaling exhaling her own her own contribution contribution to theto the smog,smog, she isshe also is exhaling also exhaling the burdens the burdens of home: of home: specifically, specifically, the sourthe sourness ness of Fabian’s of Fabian’s panicpanic and his andgrowing his growing resentment resentment that she thatwill she not will not panicpanic with with him. him.

Last Last night,night, she turned she turned toward toward him in himtheir in their dark dark bedroom. bedroom.

The The cuates cuates were were asleep, asleep, finally, finally, after after Gabriel Gabriel had thrown had thrown a fit abecause fit because he was he sick was of sick fideo, of fideo, couldn’t couldn’t they they orderorder a pizza, a pizza, and aand bedtime a bedtime that that extended extended past ten pastbecause ten because Mateo, Mateo, always always anxious anxious at theatstart the start of theof the school school year, year, kept kept coming coming back back out toout double— to double— no, triple— no, triple— checkcheck that that he’d put he’dhis puthomework his homework in hisinbackpack. his backpack.

LoreLore had indulged had indulged in two in fingers two fingers of Bucanas of Bucanas before before bed, and bed,she and she was loosewas looselimbed limbed and yearning and yearning as she as slid she against slid against Fabian’s Fabian’s back.back.

She kissed She kissed his shoulder his shoulder and closed and closed her fingers her fingers around around him, him, trying trying to to ignore ignore how how his body his body tensed. tensed.

She murmured, She murmured, as if as sheifcould she could perform perform his desire his desire for him. for him.

“Lore.”

“Lore.”

He peeled He peeled her hand her hand away.away.

“Stop.”

“Stop.”

“Why?” “Why?” She kissed She kissed the nape the nape of hisofneck, his neck, whichwhich needed needed a shave. a shave.

Maybe Maybe she’dshe’d do it do forithim for before him before she left shetomorrow left tomorrow morning. morning.

“The“The cuates cuates are asleep. are asleep.

And And it’s been it’s been so long— so long— ” ” “I hate “I hate whenwhen you say youthat.” say that.”

Heat,Heat, the wrong the wrong kind,kind, rose rose fromfrom his his skin. skin.

“It’s been “It’s been a long a long day.” day.”

LoreLore sighed. sighed.

“It’s always “It’s always a long a long day.” day.”

Fabian Fabian yanked yanked the Tiffany the Tiffany lamp’s lamp’s brassbrass cord.cord.

His black His black hair had hair had already already swirled swirled into ainto pillow a pillow cowlick, cowlick, the same the same one he’d one been he’d been taming taming with with Brylcreem Brylcreem sincesince they they were were seventeen. seventeen.

“How“How can you canact youlike acteverything like everything is normal?” is normal?”

His dark His dark eyes were eyes were 22

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sunken, sunken, his beard his beard unable unable to mask to mask the downward the downward pull of pull hisoflips his as lips as he satheagainst sat against the oak the headboard. oak headboard.

“I’m going “I’m going to have to have to laytooff layJuan off Juan tomorrow, tomorrow, and he’s andbeen he’s been with with us almost us almost sincesince the beginning!” the beginning!”

“I know.”

“I know.”

The The recession recession was was all Fabian all Fabian had talked had talked aboutabout for for months, months, the confluence the confluence of crises of crises that had that led hadtoled thetopeso’s the peso’s shocking shocking devaluation devaluation from from 23 to23 thetodollar the dollar in 1980 in 1980 to 150 toto 150 thetodollar the dollar today— today— imagine, imagine, a peso a peso worthworth less than less than a penny!— a penny!— with with predictions predictions it would it would get ten, get even ten, even twenty twenty timestimes worseworse beforebefore it gotitbetter. got better.

“You“You don’tdon’t have have a choice, a choice, though,” though,” LoreLore said, said, the way the she wayalways she always said at said this at point. this point.

“I know “I know that,”that,” Fabian Fabian snapped, snapped, then then lowered lowered his voice. his voice.

“Did “Did I tellI tell you his youmother’s his mother’s sick?”sick?”

LoreLore sighed. sighed.

“Cancer, “Cancer, right?” right?”

Fabian Fabian nodded. nodded.

“Everyone’s “Everyone’s getting getting cancer cancer thesethese days.”days.”

Fabian Fabian squeezed squeezed the back the back of hisofneck his neck with with one big onehand, big hand, the hand the hand that used that used to betorough be rough as caliche as caliche fromfrom his ironwork. his ironwork.

She used She used to love to love seeing seeing him hunched him hunched over over a furnace, a furnace, dripping dripping sweatsweat as heas curved he curved whatwhat was once was once unbendable unbendable into elegant into elegant scrolls. scrolls.

Transforming Transforming it. Before it. Before the the storestore opened opened five years five years ago, their ago, their smallsmall backyard backyard was awas jumbled, a jumbled, me- metallictallic playground, playground, the cuates the cuates passing passing through through gatesgates leading leading nowhere, nowhere, knocking knocking on doors on doors that leaned that leaned up against up against trees,trees, as if they as if they mightmight open open to another to another world. world.

Everyone Everyone needsneeds doors,doors, Fabian Fabian had said had in said theinLaredo the Laredo Morning Morning TimesTimes article article aboutabout the ribbon the ribbon cutting. cutting.

DoorsDoors are a are symbol a symbol of civilization. of civilization.

They They separate separate the domestic the domestic from from the wild. the wild.

They They protect protect what what you love youmost. love most.

Fabian’s Fabian’s passion, passion, his poetry, his poetry, had surprised had surprised her. She’d her. She’d sparked sparked with with pride,pride, framing framing the article the article and hanging and hanging it—naturally— it—naturally— in their in their entryway. entryway.

But Fabian But Fabian had been had been wrong. wrong.

When When the homes the homes stop stop beingbeing built,built, the doors the doors stop being stop being needed. needed.

The wild The wild growing growing ever closer. ever closer.

“Fabian,” “Fabian,” she tried, she tried, softer,softer, turning turning him so him shesocould she could dig her digthumbs her thumbs deep deep into flesh into flesh gone gone taut with taut with stress. stress.

“Everything’s “Everything’s goinggoing to beto okay.” be okay.”

He pulled He pulled away,away, standing standing to loom to loom over over her. “That’s her. “That’s easy easy for you for you to say. toThey say. They need need you.”you.”

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“And“And that’sthat’s a good a good thing,thing, isn’t isn’t it?” Lore it?” Lore said evenly. said evenly.

“For “For us, for us, for our family?” our family?”

Fabian Fabian glared glared at her, at his her,bowling his bowling ball shoulders ball shoulders hunched hunched for- forward,ward, and she andcaught she caught an unwelcome an unwelcome glimpse glimpse of him of in him middle in middle age—age— thick,thick, an illusion an illusion of strength of strength that would that would disappear disappear whenwhen his clothes his clothes camecame off. off.

She knew She knew whatwhat the real the problem real problem was: was: he was he failing, was failing, for reasons for reasons outside outside his control, his control, and she andwasn’t. she wasn’t.

SoonSoon hers might hers might be their be their only only pay- paycheck, check, and not andanot badaone badatone that. at that.

You could You could howlhowl at theatmoon, the moon, but the but the moonmoon wouldn’t wouldn’t turn turn toward toward your your pain.pain.

YourYour wife, wife, though. though.

YourYour wife wife the international the international banker, banker, who who cinched cinched a gold a gold belt around belt around her waist her waist and made and made the kitchen the kitchen echo echo with with the capable the capable soundsound of herofstilettos— her stilettos— your your wife, wife, whose whose job was, job was, at least at least for now, for now, secure— secure— well, well, at her, at you her, you couldcould howl.howl.

She would She would turn turn toward toward you, and you,you andcould you could turn turn her away, her away, and in and that in moment, that moment, the power the power wouldwould be yours be yours again.again.

“Chinga,” “Chinga,” he said, he said, pulling pulling a shirt a shirt fromfrom his drawer. his drawer.

“I won’t “I won’t be able be able to sleep to sleep now.”now.”

She heard She heard his unspoken his unspoken accusation: accusation: if only if only she hadn’t she hadn’t touched touched him. him.

“I’m going “I’m going to look to look over over the books,” the books,” he said. he said.

“Again.”

“Again.”

He stalked He stalked fromfrom the room the room as if as he’d if he’d slam slam the door the door if theif boys the boys weren’t weren’t rightright downdown the hall. the hall.

She sighed She sighed and looked and looked at theatclock: the clock: mid- midnight.night.

In only In only nine nine hours, hours, she’dshe’d be driving be driving to thetoairport the airport in San in AnSan Antonio.tonio.

She’dShe’d openopen the windows the windows and let andthe lethot thedesert hot desert windwind strip strip off off the skin the she skinwas she only was only too eager too eager to leave to leave behind. behind.

Now,Ninow,theinatrium the atrium of theofGran the Gran HotelHotel in theinCentro the Centro Histórico, Histórico, LoreLore gazesgazes up atup theatgolden the golden domedome of theofstainedthe stainedglassglass ceiling. ceiling.

FromFrom the the center, center, threethree roundround peacockpeacockblue skylights blue skylights starestare back back like the likeeyes the of eyes of God.God. The white The white marble marble floorsfloors are reflective are reflective as a lake, as a lake, and the andcaged the caged elevator elevator carries carries people people upward upward in a slow, in a slow, dreamlike dreamlike swoon. swoon.

Joy slices Joy slices like alike knife a knife between between her ribs. her ribs.

Along Along the border, the border, things things that are thatconcrete, are concrete, sharply sharply defined, defined, else- else24

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wherewhere are fluid. are fluid.

Banking Banking is business, is business, yes, but yes, business but business is personal, is personal, always. always.

You open You open accounts accounts with with relationships, relationships, not dollars, not dollars, whichwhich is is not something not something the big theU.S. big banks U.S. banks understand. understand.

Those Those national national chains chains have have no interest no interest in operating in operating in a small in a small TexasTexasMexico Mexico border border town,town, and those and those who tried who tried have have not lasted. not lasted.

All they All they see insee Laredo in Laredo is a bunch is a bunch of Mexican of Mexican country country bumpkins. bumpkins.

TheyThey don’tdon’t understand understand the power the power of of the border, the border, the flow the flow of commerce of commerce like alike river a river between between countries. countries.

TheyThey don’tdon’t understand understand the culture. the culture.

How How it’s not it’senough not enough to know to know your your cus- customers’ tomers’ names; names; you also you need also need to know to know the state the state of their of their father’s father’s em- emphysema physema and that and their that their daughter daughter is salutatorian is salutatorian at Martin at Martin and that and ifthat if you give you them give them a camo a camo baseball baseball cap with cap with the bank’s the bank’s embroidered embroidered logo,logo, they they will wear will wear it so itoften so often theirtheir wife wife will forbid will forbid it in itthein bedroom. the bedroom.

Now Now the big thebanks big banks are floundering, are floundering, with with theirtheir riskyrisky investments investments and and scattershot scattershot loans,loans, whilewhile Lore’s Lore’s community community bankbank is holding is holding steady. steady.

They’ve They’ve had to hadbetoresponsible be responsible with with theirtheir funding, funding, careful careful to whom to whom they they lend, lend, but when but when customers customers struggle struggle to make to make payments, payments, the bank the bank is able is to able work to work with with them.them.

And And in better in better times,times, the customer the customer rememremembers. bers.

This This is how is how the table the table expands: expands: to a game to a game of Little of Little League, League, the the boardboard of theofRotary the Rotary Club,Club, an extravagant an extravagant wedding wedding in Mexico in Mexico City. City.

The wedding The wedding is tonight, is tonight, the daughter the daughter of Fernando of Fernando Santos, Santos, Mex-Mexican ican entrepreneur entrepreneur and owner and owner of a of slew a slew of maquiladoras of maquiladoras alongalong the the border, border, including including two in two Nuevo in Nuevo Laredo.

Laredo.

Mr. Santos Mr. Santos has been has been a cus-a customertomer of theofbank the bank for ten foryears, ten years, long long enough enough to invite to invite LoreLore and her and her colleague colleague Oscar.

Oscar.

But Oscar’s But Oscar’s first first childchild will be willborn be born any day any now, day now, and even and even though though Fabian Fabian scoffed scoffed at theatinvitation— the invitation— how could how could he take he take time time off right off right now?— now?— LoreLore had accepted. had accepted.

It’s good It’s good for business, for business, she she told him. told him.

And And she RSVP’d she RSVP’d for one. for one.

The The wholewhole hotelhotel has been has been reserved reserved for the forwedding, the wedding, and in andthein the sun-shot sun-shot atrium, atrium, employees employees scurry scurry around around a hundred a hundred roundround tables, tables, calling calling out toout each to each otherother as they as they arrange arrange porcelain porcelain platesplates and gleamand gleaming silverware. ing silverware.

Behind Behind the bride the bride and groom’s and groom’s table,table, florists florists makemake tendertenderfingered fingered adjustments adjustments to anto entire an entire wall of wall roses of roses and lilies. and lilies.

Lore Lore 25

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watches watches fromfrom insideinside the caged the caged elevator, elevator, touching touching one of onetheof brass the brass flowers. flowers.

She wishes She wishes Fabian Fabian couldcould see the seeintricate the intricate iron scrollwork. iron scrollwork.

In her In room, her room, LoreLore sets her sets bag her down bag down gently gently on the on plush the plush car- carpet. She pet. sighs, She sighs, running running her hands her hands over over the kingthe kingsize bed’s size bed’s ornate ornate wooden wooden headboard headboard and the andfilmy the filmy whitewhite curtains; curtains; the dainty the dainty damask damask benchbench and dusky and dusky blue blue velvetvelvet chair.chair.

HowHow strange strange to betosomewhere be somewhere so luxurious, so luxurious, so opulent, so opulent, whenwhen Mexico Mexico is burning is burning and Laredo and Laredo alongalong with with it. They’d it. They’d felt sofeltlucky so lucky back back in ’80, in’81, ’80,when ’81, when they they were were mostly mostly insulated insulated fromfrom the national the national recession recession by the by1.5 thebillion 1.5 billion retailretail dollars dollars coming coming in from in from Mexico.

Mexico.

But then But then the recession the recession lessened lessened demand demand for for oil, oversaturating oil, oversaturating the market. the market.

Mexico’s Mexico’s export export revenue revenue plummeted. plummeted.

Its foreign Its foreign debt debt increased, increased, coupled coupled with with an inability an inability to pay toit. pay Init.’82In ’82 the peso the peso devalued, devalued, and then and then again, again, and again, and again, and suddenly and suddenly all that all that retailretail income income Laredo Laredo saw from saw from across across stopped, stopped, like alike faucet a faucet turned turned off. At off.the Atbank’s the bank’s last estimate, last estimate, at least at least sevenseven hundred hundred businesses businesses in in Laredo Laredo have have closed, closed, leaving leaving tens tens of thousands of thousands of people of people without without a a way to way support to support theirtheir families. families.

At the At window, the window, LoreLore pullspulls back back the thick the thick curtains curtains to see to the see the Zócalo, Zócalo, the pulsing the pulsing heartheart of theofCentro the Centro Histórico.

Histórico.

In the Infifteenth the fifteenth century, century, the area the area was the wascenter the center of theofAztec the Aztec capital capital of Tenochtitlán. of Tenochtitlán.

NowNow it’s bordered it’s bordered by the byMetropolitan the Metropolitan Cathedral, Cathedral, built built in sections in sections over over nearly nearly two hundred two hundred and fifty and fifty years,years, and the and National the National Palace Palace and Federal and Federal District District buildings, buildings, theirtheir stonestone facades facades soaked soaked with with sun sun and blood. and blood.

NearNear the towering the towering Mexican Mexican flag, flag, tourists tourists in jeans in jeans and and T-shirts— T-shirts— they they are the areones the ones winning, winning, the tourists— the tourists— salsasalsa dancedance be- before afore street a street performer. performer.

She can Shenearly can nearly feel their feel their laughter. laughter.

Her chest Her chest seizesseizes with with the desire the desire to join, to join, join, join, join. join.

To see ToFabian’s see Fabian’s eyes eyes glowglow rich as rich molasses as molasses in theinsun, the to sun, feel tohis feelhand his hand firm firm around around her hip. her hip.

Fabian.

Fabian.

She She should should call call him. him.

At the At thought, the thought, the image the image of of dancingdancingFabian Fabian fades,fades, replaced replaced with with the surly the surly reality reality of herofhusband. her husband.

She doesn’t She doesn’t wantwant to talk to to talk him. to him.

Or—Or— she doesn’t she doesn’t wantwant to talk to to talk this to this version version of him. of him.

If sheIfcould she could choose, choose, she’dshe’d call upon call upon the eighteenthe eighteenyear-yearold Fabian, old Fabian, who’dwho’d sat with sat with her inher a blind in a blind and said, and said, “Close “Close your your eyes.”eyes.”

She had She expected had expected him to himkiss to her. kiss Instead, her. Instead, they they had listened had listened to theto the 26

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wind,wind, to thetobirds, the birds, to, eventually, to, eventually, the soft thescuffle soft scuffle of hooves, of hooves, and when and when she opened she opened her eyes her there eyes there was awas family a family of deer of deer eating eating the corn the corn they’d they’d spilled spilled fromfrom the back the back of hisofdad’s his dad’s truck.truck.

Two Two spotted spotted fawnsfawns tugged tugged at their at their mother’s mother’s teats teats as sheasflicked she flicked themthem awayaway impatiently, impatiently, her jaws her jaws cracking cracking the rockthe rockhard hard kernels. kernels.

Fabian Fabian smiled smiled at Lore, at Lore, shotgun shotgun by by his side. his side.

“Don’t,” “Don’t,” she said. she said.

And And he laughed he laughed softly.softly.

“Of course “Of course not,” not,” he he replied. replied.

She looks She looks at her at watch: her watch: four four o’clock. o’clock.

It will It will be cheaper be cheaper to call to call him later him later tonight. tonight.

Of course, Of course, therethere will be willnobe“later no “later tonight.” tonight.”

The The wedding wedding will continue will continue until until morning, morning, whenwhen everyone everyone is tooisdrunk too drunk to to stand.stand.

In any Incase, any case, she’llshe’ll be home be home tomorrow. tomorrow.

She hangs She hangs her red her gown red gown in thein closet the closet and draws and draws a bath. a bath.

LightLight glintsglints off the offgold the gold mirror. mirror.

Drapery Drapery is tied is back tied back fromfrom the tub the with tub with gold gold rope,rope, as if as theif tub the istub a stage, is a stage, the actors the actors moments moments fromfrom theirtheir entrance. entrance.

Waiters Waiters pass pass like ghosts like ghosts between between the tables, the tables, balancing balancing silversilver traystrays of champagne of champagne and Don and Don Julio Julio on the ontips the of tips their of their fingers. fingers.

A mariachi A mariachi bandband in silverin silverbuttoned buttoned pantspants and cropped and cropped jackets jackets playsplays livelylively pre- predinner dinner music. music.

The The ground ground nearly nearly trembles trembles with with the room’s the room’s heightheightened ened energy. energy.

ThereThere mustmust be seven be seven or eight or eight hundred hundred people people here.here.

Lore Lore has always has always thought thought Laredo Laredo weddings weddings are big, are with big, with all the all various the various compromisos compromisos leading leading to hundreds to hundreds of guests, of guests, somesome of whom of whom the bride the bride and groom and groom hardly hardly know,know, but inbut comparison in comparison they they seemseem intimate intimate and and slipshod, slipshod, like backyard like backyard carnecarne asadas. asadas.

LoreLore is sitting is sitting with with a group a group of Mr. of Santos’s Mr. Santos’s moremore personal personal busi-business ness associates: associates: Jaime, Jaime, his architect, his architect, and his andwife, his wife, Mariela; Mariela; Ramón, Ramón, his CPA, his CPA, and his andwife— his wife— Lore Lore had to had asktotwice ask twice to make to make sure she surewasn’t she wasn’t mistaken— mistaken— Ramona; Ramona; his cardiologist, his cardiologist, Dr. Olivares, Dr. Olivares, and his andwife, his wife, Cyn-Cynthia; thia; and Andres, and Andres, his daughter’s his daughter’s professor professor and adviser and adviser at theatUniverthe Universidadsidad Nacional Nacional Autónoma Autónoma de México. de México.

LoreLore wishes wishes therethere were were moremore entrepreneurial entrepreneurial typestypes at herattable, her table, but there but there will be will plenty be plenty of time of time to to network network in theinguise the guise of celebrating. of celebrating.

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The other The other women women lean toward lean toward each each otherother as they as they sip their sip their chamchampagne, pagne, touchtouch the elaborate the elaborate floralfloral centerpieces centerpieces as they as they talk about talk about the the beauty beauty of theofceremony, the ceremony, the jawthe dropping jaw-dropping length length of theofbride’s the bride’s man-mantilla. tilla.

WhatWhat they’re they’re reallyreally talking talking about, about, LoreLore knows, knows, is how is how muchmuch it it all must all must have have cost. cost.

She joins She joins the conversation, the conversation, though though her ears her ears are are with with the men, the men, who are whoessentially are essentially having having the same the same discussion. discussion.

“His “His businesses businesses mustmust be doing be doing well,”well,” Dr. Olivares Dr. Olivares comments. comments.

Ramón, Ramón, the only the only one at one theattable the table who who wouldwould knowknow besides besides Lore,Lore, answers answers politely. politely.

“Fernando “Fernando is very is very dedicated.” dedicated.”

“I wonder “I wonder wherewhere she bought she bought her dress,” her dress,” Ramona Ramona says. says.

“Here“Here or in or in New New York.”

York.”

Cynthia Cynthia scoffs. scoffs.

“DF “DF has some has some of theofbest the shopping best shopping in theinworld. the world.

WhyWhy would would she go shespend go spend six times six times moremore in New in New York?York?

Especially Especially now?” now?”

“Because “Because it’s New it’s New York,”York,” Ramona Ramona breathes. breathes.

“What “What do you do think, you think, Lore?”

Lore?”

Andres Andres asks,asks, and for anda for moment a moment she she isn’t isn’t sure sure whichwhich conversation conversation she’s she’s supposed supposed to betofollowing. be following.

“You“You said you’re said you’re in banking?” in banking?”

“Yes,”“Yes,” LoreLore says, says, finishing finishing her first her first glassglass of champagne of champagne as anas anotherother is seamlessly is seamlessly placed placed before before her. her.

“How“How has the hasdevaluation the devaluation impacted impacted the retail the retail sectorsector on the onborthe border?”der?”

Andres Andres asks,asks, and Lore and Lore is amused is amused that that he, too, he, had too, an hadear aninear in both both conversations, conversations, bridging bridging themthem with with academic academic ease. ease.

“Honestly,” “Honestly,” LoreLore says, says, “it’s like “it’s alike bomb a bomb has gone has gone off.” She off.” thinks She thinks of theofwomen the women squatting squatting to comparison to comparison shop shop for generic for generic canned canned goodsgoods and bagged and bagged cerealcereal on the onbottom the bottom shelves shelves at H-at E-HB, Eand B, how and how manymany moremore men there men there are outside are outside Dr. Ike’s, Dr. Ike’s, waiting waiting to jump to jump on flatbeds on flatbeds that that nevernever come.come.

She thinks She thinks of allofthe all cerrado the cerrado signssigns and rolledand rolleddowndown security security grilles grilles downtown, downtown, as if everyone as if everyone insideinside has simply has simply vanished. vanished.

Andres Andres angles angles himself himself toward toward her slightly. her slightly.

“Tell“Tell me more,” me more,” he he says. says.

LoreLore lookslooks at him at more him more closely. closely.

He’s He’s around around forty,forty, she guesses, she guesses, with with blackblack hair swept hair swept back back fromfrom his forehead his forehead and tucked and tucked behind behind his his ears. ears.

His eyes His are eyesa are clear, a clear, startling startling green, green, like alike broken a broken bottlebottle catching catching 28

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sunlight. sunlight.

Proud Proud nose,nose, heavyheavy eyebrows eyebrows giving giving him ahim look a look of earnest of earnest concentration. concentration.

His Spanish His Spanish is clipped, is clipped, somesome of hisofs’shismissing— s’s missing— she she can’t can’t quitequite placeplace his accent, his accent, but he but doesn’t he doesn’t soundsound Mexican.

Mexican.

“Well,” “Well,” Lore Lore says, says, “Laredo’s “Laredo’s mainmain industry industry is retail. is retail.

Now Now . . .” She . . .” She trailstrails off, thinking off, thinking of Fabian, of Fabian, wondering wondering how how it went, it went, firingfiring Juan.Juan.

The city The smells city smells like desperation. like desperation.

“Without “Without that income that income fromfrom across, across, nearly nearly a third a third of theofcity the iscity outisofout work.” of work.”

“A third.”

“A third.”

Andres Andres shakes shakes his head. his head.

“Unbelievable.”

“Unbelievable.”

“And“And to think, to think, we were we were at tenatpercent ten percent only only two years two years ago,”ago,” LoreLore says, says, remembering remembering whatwhat she now she now knows knows was awas boom a boom time,time, Fabian Fabian asking asking his mom his mom to babysit to babysit whilewhile he swept he swept her off hertooff thetoCadillac the Cadillac Bar, Bar, or surprising or surprising her with her with a paira of pair goldof goldand-topaz and-topaz earrings earrings lumpy lumpy insideinside her pillowcase. her pillowcase.

TheyThey were were planning planning to remodel to remodel theirtheir house. house.

The peso The peso devalued devalued before before they they had ahad chance. a chance.

At least At least they they aren’taren’t one of onetheof the thousands thousands who who needed needed to abandon to abandon a construction a construction project project midbuild, midbuild, the city the scattered city scattered with with the carcasses the carcasses of dreams. of dreams.

“What “What aboutabout the maquiladoras?” the maquiladoras?”

Andres Andres asks.asks.

“Fernando “Fernando ownsowns several several dozen, dozen, doesn’t doesn’t he?” he?”

“Yes,”“Yes,” LoreLore says, says, “though “though mostly mostly in Juárez. in Juárez.

But you’re But you’re right:right: Mex-Mexican income, ican income, returned returned to thetoU.S. the U.S. through through purchases, purchases, plus U.S. plus U.S. man-manufacturing ufacturing jobs jobs to provide to provide the materials the materials for assembly— for assembly— in normal in normal timestimes it’s ait’s wina win. win-win.

But when But when you don’t you don’t have have buyers buyers for the forfinal the final products products . . .” She . . .” opens She opens her hands her hands on the ontable, the table, then then realizes realizes with with a a startstart that she’s that she’s not wearing not wearing her wedding her wedding rings.rings.

She put Sheall puther alljewher jewelry in elrytheinsafe the before safe before sliding sliding into her into bath. her bath.

She touches She touches her chest, her chest, wherewhere her gold her gold locketlocket usually usually rests,rests, and encounters and encounters only only skin. skin.

“How“How old are old you, are you, Lore,Lore, if you if don’t you don’t mindmind my asking?” my asking?” asks asks Dr. Olivares, Dr. Olivares, peering peering at heratthrough her through squaresquareframed framed gold gold glasses. glasses.

His wife, His wife, Cynthia, Cynthia, swatsswats him on himthe onshoulder. the shoulder.

“Ay, Héctor.

“Ay, Héctor.

You’re You’re the one theshowing one showing your your age.” age.”

The table The table laughs, laughs, LoreLore alongalong with with them.them.

She’sShe’s used used to this— to this— olderolder men men first first assuming assuming she’s she’s a secretary a secretary or maybe or maybe a newa newaccounts accounts rep, rep, then then reappraising reappraising her suspiciously her suspiciously whenwhen she opens she opens her mouth. her mouth.

She She doubts doubts Dr. Olivares Dr. Olivares would would ask Oscar, ask Oscar, if he ifwere he were here,here, for his forage, his age, 29

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though though he is he actually is actually two years two years younger younger than than Lore.Lore.

But this But is this theis the way things way things are inare theinbusiness the business world— world— perhaps perhaps in any inkind any kind of world, of world, and especially and especially in Mexico. in Mexico.

If sheIfwere she were to show to show offense, offense, she would she would be be committing committing that that ultimate ultimate sin ofsinfemaleness: of femaleness: oversensitivity. oversensitivity.

She’sShe’s learned learned betterbetter than than that. that.

“I’m thirty“I’m thirtytwo,”two,” LoreLore says. says.

“And“And how long how long have have you been you been with with the bank?” the bank?”

“Let’s“Let’s see,” see,” LoreLore says, says, though though she doesn’t she doesn’t need need to think to think aboutabout it. it.

“It’s been “It’s been eighteight yearsyears now.”now.”

Lore Lore had started had started as a teller as a teller whenwhen she was she twenty was twenty and believed and believed she she wouldwould return return after after her sixherweek six-week maternity maternity leave.leave.

How How naivenaive she had she had been been then,then, how how utterly utterly unprepared unprepared for the forbrutality the brutality of motherhood. of motherhood.

Cooped Cooped up inup their in their tiny rental tiny rental during during the cuarentena, the cuarentena, family family streamstreaming ining and inout andwithout out without warning: warning: Marta Marta with with tortilla tortilla soup,soup, MamiMami with with her brusque her brusque and capable and capable hands, hands, Fabian’s Fabian’s mother mother dispensing dispensing useless useless advice, advice, his father his father with with cigars, cigars, not realizing not realizing or caring or caring how how little little she she couldcould sparespare Fabian Fabian for forty for forty backslapping backslapping minutes minutes in theinbackyard the backyard because because thosethose two tiny two tiny newborns newborns werewere too much too much for her forto her handle to handle alone.alone.

Six weeks Six weeks after after the cuates the cuates were were born,born, they they were were still under still under six six pounds pounds each,each, with with red-soled red-soled feet the feet size the of sizefallen of fallen leavesleaves and wild, and wild, heartheartstopping stopping cries cries like cats like in cats heat. in heat.

Her nipples Her nipples were were crusted crusted with with scabs,scabs, everyevery letdown letdown triggering triggering a warm a warm gushgush of blood of blood between between her her legs. legs.

She was She still was healing still healing fromfrom a thirda thirddegree degree tear, tear, her body her body split split fromfrom one intimate one intimate end to endthe toother. the other.

The The idea of idea returning of returning to work to work was laughable was laughable and cruel, and cruel, like alike soldier a soldier rushing rushing back back to battle to battle with with skin skin flapping flapping open,open, metalmetal buried buried in hisinbody, his body, festering. festering.

And And so, the so, the weeks weeks turned turned to months to months and the and months the months to years. to years.

She finally She finally re- returned turned whenwhen the boys the boys werewere in preschool, in preschool, starting starting againagain as a teller as a teller and rising and rising through through nearly nearly everyevery position position until until her most her most recent recent pro- promotion motion to officer, to officer, threethree yearsyears ago. ago.

Andres Andres smiles smiles at her, at warm her, warm and knowing. and knowing.

“Did “Did you always you always wantwant to beto a banker?” be a banker?”

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“I wanted “I wanted to betoRobinson be Robinson Crusoe,” Crusoe,” LoreLore says says wryly, wryly, as waiters as waiters placeplace saladsalad platesplates before before them.them.

“Life“Life on a on desert a desert islandisland seemed seemed like like heaven heaven to metoasme a kid.” as a kid.”

“Even“Even with with the cannibals?” the cannibals?”

LoreLore laughs. laughs.

“They “They couldn’t couldn’t have have been been worseworse than than my siblings. my siblings.

Besides, Besides, Crusoe Crusoe was free was to freebetowho be who he was he there. was there.

Not perfect.

Not perfect.

Not Not even even always always good.good.

I longed I longed for that for kind that kind of freedom.” of freedom.”

“What’s “What’s wrong wrong with with beingbeing good,good, though?” though?” asks asks Mariela, Mariela, the arthe architect’s chitect’s wife. wife.

Her cheeks Her cheeks are flushed are flushed at theathigh the high points. points.

“The“The worldworld respects respects a good a good woman.” woman.”

“Does“Does it?” Lore it?” Lore spears spears an overripe an overripe tomato. tomato.

GutsGuts spill.spill.

“Or does “Or does it it just appreciate just appreciate a meek a meek one?”one?”

Mariela’s Mariela’s cheeks cheeks flameflame brighter, brighter, but after but after that, that, dinner dinner continues continues seamlessly: seamlessly: over over buttery buttery filet mignon, filet mignon, they they discuss discuss the architecture the architecture in DF inand DF whether and whether President President Reagan Reagan will go willongotoon a second to a second term.term.

TheirTheir wineglasses wineglasses refillrefill as if as by ifmagic, by magic, untiluntil LoreLore has no hasidea no how idea how manymany glasses glasses she’s she’s consumed. consumed.

ThenThen comecome the afterthe afterdinner dinner drinks: drinks: port, port, moremore sipping sipping tequila, tequila, playful playful mango mango shotsshots with with sugarsugarspicespice rims.rims.

The mariachi The mariachi bandband has been has been replaced replaced with with a popular a popular Mexican Mexican bandband everyone everyone knows— knows— a surprise, a surprise, judging judging by the bybride’s the bride’s strangled strangled shriekshriek of joy.ofThe joy. table The table empties empties of everyone of everyone except except LoreLore and Andres. and Andres.

LoreLore knows knows she should she should drinkdrink water, water, but she but and she Andres and Andres are are laughing, laughing, talking talking with with exuberant exuberant ease, ease, and itand feels it feels so good so good to not to not be worrying, be worrying, for once. for once.

TheyThey talk about talk about how, how, for him, for him, this isthis theisfirst the first month month of theofnew the year— new year— he lives he lives by the byacademic the academic calendar, calendar, he says, he says, and August and August has that has freshthat freshstart start sparkle sparkle that others that others feel infeel January. in January.

So So you’reyou’re eithereither five months five months earlyearly or seven or seven months months late, Lore late, Lore jokes,jokes, and and he says he late. says Argentineans, late. Argentineans, like Mexicans, like Mexicans, are always are always late. late.

“So that’s “So that’s wherewhere you’reyou’re from,” from,” LoreLore says. says.

“Argentina.

“Argentina.

I’ve been I’ve been trying trying to figure to figure it out.” it out.”

“Buenos “Buenos Aires.”

Aires.”

A shadow A shadow crosses crosses Andres’s Andres’s face. face.

It’s Lore’s It’s Lore’s job to jobbetoinformed be informed of international of international affairs, affairs, so she so she knows knows he’s referring he’s referring to thetomilitary the military juntajunta and the andDirty the Dirty War,War, the last the last 31

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sevenseven yearsyears of state of state terrorism terrorism in which in which tens of tens thousands of thousands of political of political dissidents— dissidents— manymany of them of them students, students, activists, activists, journalists— journalists— have have been been killedkilled or “disappeared.” or “disappeared.”

“The“The election election is coming is coming up, isn’t up, it?” isn’tshe it?”asks. she asks.

Andres Andres nods.nods.

In hisIneyes, his eyes, guarded, guarded, cynical cynical hope.hope.

“October.

“October.

Let’sLet’s hope hope for the forreturn the return of democracy.” of democracy.”

“What “What was it was like it to likegrow to grow up there?” up there?”

LoreLore asks,asks, and he andtells he tells her about her about his childhood, his childhood, how how he misses he misses the graffiti the graffiti and street and street art art that make that make even even the wealthiest the wealthiest neighborhoods neighborhoods feel like feel raw like silk, raw silk, on on the edge the edge of unraveling. of unraveling.

LoreLore tells tells him about him about City City Drug,Drug, the 1930s the 1930s apothecaryapothecaryturnedturnedsoda-sodafountain fountain wherewhere she used she used to take to take the bus theafbus after school, ter school, ten cents ten cents for a for baga of bag pistachios of pistachios whitewhite with with salt, salt, making making her mouth her mouth waterwater to think to think aboutabout even even now. now.

“So tell “Some, tellMs. me, Crusoe,” Ms. Crusoe,” Andres Andres says sometime says sometime later,later, with with a lazya lazy smile.smile.

“Couldn’t “Couldn’t your your boyfriend boyfriend makemake it tonight?” it tonight?”

“Boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend?”

LoreLore laughs, laughs, glancing glancing automatically automatically at her at ring her ring finger— finger— but ofbut course, of course, it’s bare. it’s bare.

Though, Though, has she hasreally she really not mentioned not mentioned Fabian Fabian or theorboys the boys all night? all night?

“I don’t “I don’t have have a boyfriend,” a boyfriend,” LoreLore says, says, and before and before she can she finish, can finish, Andres Andres is outisofout hisofseat, his seat, handhand outstretched. outstretched.

“I was “I hoping was hoping you’dyou’d say that,” say that,” he says. he says.

“Dance “Dance with with me?”me?”

LoreLore will will look look back back on this on moment this moment againagain and again and again over over the the years,years, naming naming everyevery detaildetail back back to life: to how life: how Andres Andres has loosened has loosened his bow his tie, bowgiving tie, giving LoreLore the startling the startling impulse impulse to undo to undo it completely; it completely; the long, the long, elegant elegant fingers fingers on his onwaiting his waiting hand,hand, whichwhich she will she later will later discover discover smellsmell like oranges like oranges fromfrom his morning his morning café de caféolla; de olla; the irthe irresistible resistible chaoschaos of theofdance the dance floor,floor, pulsing pulsing now now within within her chest. her chest.

A A simple simple misunderstanding, misunderstanding, an incomplete an incomplete sentence, sentence, leading leading to a moto a momentment whenwhen everything everything that will that happen will happen has not hasyet nothappened, yet happened, and so and so everyevery possibility possibility still exists: still exists: LoreLore couldcould decline decline the dance. the dance.

She could She could tell him tell she himdoesn’t she doesn’t have have a boyfriend— a boyfriend— she has sheahas husband. a husband.

She could She could realize realize she hasn’t she hasn’t had so had much so much to drink to drink in months in months and remember and remember her her beautiful beautiful king-kingsize bed size upstairs, bed upstairs, a haven a haven of uninterrupted of uninterrupted rest. rest.

In In this moment, this moment, Lore’s Lore’s life forks. life forks.

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But she But doesn’t she doesn’t knowknow that that yet, and yet, who and who ever ever does?does?

LoreLore lookslooks up into up into thosethose shatteredshatteredbottlebottle eyes eyes that that are suddenly are suddenly electric, electric, and and though though his stare his stare flusters flusters Lore,Lore, it electrifies it electrifies her, too, her, because too, because how long how long has ithas been it been sincesince she’s she’s been been looked looked at this at way, this way, with with such such fierceness fierceness of curiosity, of curiosity, as though as though she might she might be anybody? be anybody?

And And it’s only it’s only a dance, a dance, after after all. all.

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On Tuesday, On Tuesday, the day the after day after we returned we returned fromfrom the farm, the farm, DukeDuke and and I hadI our had usual our usual coffeecoffee and toast and toast together together before before he left he to leftstart to start the brisket. the brisket.

For the Forperfect the perfect caramelized caramelized bark,bark, he’d he’d season season the meat the meat with with only only salt and salt pepper, and pepper, dusted dusted fromfrom an old anshaker old shaker two feet two above feet above the glistening the glistening primeprime beef. beef.

ThenThen he’d he’d beginbegin the eightthe eighthour hour smoking smoking process, process, a whole a whole workday workday before before the food the food truck’s truck’s window window even even slid slid open.open.

DukeDuke was as was obsessive as obsessive as I was as I about was about work,work, only only his nourished his nourished people, people, whilewhile mine— mine— well. well.

I spent I spent the next the next threethree hourshours combing combing through through my murder my murder alertsalerts and writing and writing the day’s the day’s blog blog posts.posts.

Man Man sets wife sets wife on fire on after fire after believbelieving she’d ing she’d been been poisoning poisoning his pot hisroast. pot roast.

Kid fresh Kid fresh out ofout high of high school school plotsplots his octogenarian his octogenarian godmother’s godmother’s murder murder in hopes in hopes of inheriting of inheriting her house. her house.

Man Man dismembers dismembers young young girlfriend girlfriend who who wantswants no part no part of of his group his group sex lifestyle. sex lifestyle.

Below Below each each post,post, a fuchsia a fuchsia link like link alike lipstick a lipstick stain,stain, tempting tempting readers readers with with You May You Also May Like.

Also Like.

WhatWhat a strange a strange wordword to usetoinuse this in context— this context— like. Ilike. imagined I imagined readers readers flitting flitting fromfrom post post to to post post as if as gorging if gorging on a on boxa of box chocolates, of chocolates, likingliking themthem rightright up until up until they they felt sick. felt sick.

MORM E O TR H EA N T HY A ON U ’YLOL UE’ VL EL RE VK ENRO W K NOW

I wanted I wanted out. Or out.no: OrI no: justI wanted just wanted different. different.

I might I might be a be dirty a dirty little little cog in cogtheintrue the true crimecrime industrial industrial complex, complex, but Ibut stillI loved still loved the the genre. genre.

When When it’s done it’s done right,right, true true crimecrime tells tells us who us who we are, we who are, who we we should should fear, who fear, we whoare wealways are always in danger in danger of becoming. of becoming.

Under Under a carea careful investigative ful investigative eye, someone eye, someone opaque opaque briefly briefly becomes becomes transparent. transparent.

EvenEven if what’s if what’s revealed revealed is ugly, is ugly, it’s true. it’s true.

And nothing And nothing is more is more beautiful beautiful than than the truth. the truth.

AfterAfter a sadabaggedsad baggedsaladsalad lunch,lunch, I reread I reread the Dolores the Dolores Rivera Rivera story.story.

Though Though the article the article was ostensibly was ostensibly written written for the forthirtythe thirtyyear year anni-anniversary versary of Fabian’s of Fabian’s sentencing sentencing (a lazy (a claim lazy claim on relevance), on relevance), therethere was was so much so much aboutabout the murder the murder the reporter the reporter didn’tdidn’t even even address. address.

HowHow had Fabian had Fabian foundfound out about out about Dolores’s Dolores’s double double life, and life, how and how long long had had he known he known before before killing killing Andres?

Andres?

How How had he hadknown he known wherewhere Andres Andres was staying? was staying?

WhyWhy take take his rage his rage out on outthe on other the other man,man, instead instead of of the woman the woman who’dwho’d dupedduped themthem both?both?

I wondered I wondered why Andres’s why Andres’s bodybody wasn’t wasn’t foundfound until until the next the next morning— morning— at a hotel, at a hotel, somebody somebody should should have have heardheard the gunshot. the gunshot.

And And why why had Fabian had Fabian accepted accepted such such a harsh a harsh plea deal plea instead deal instead of taking of taking his chances his chances in court? in court?

This This was the wasdefinithe definition of tion a crime of a crime of passion. of passion.

Any Any half-decent half-decent attorney attorney should should have have been been able to able plead to plead downdown the charges. the charges.

And And finally, finally, Dolores.

Dolores.

Had Had she seen she seen Andres Andres that that day? day?

Had Had she she known known Fabian Fabian killedkilled him before him before he was he arrested? was arrested?

Was Was she haunted she haunted by her byrole her in role both in both men’smen’s downfall, downfall, or—aor— cynical a cynical thought— thought— was any was any part of part herofrelieved her relieved to beto free be of free them? of them?

I made I made a spreadsheet a spreadsheet with with everyevery namename referenced referenced in the in piece, the piece, alongalong with with any contact any contact information information I could I could find. find.

The The Laredo Laredo Po- Police Department lice Department didn’tdidn’t have have an online an online FOIAFOIA request request form,form, so I left so I left a voicemail a voicemail with with the records the records division. division.

ThenThen I started I started a rudimentary a rudimentary timeline: timeline: the year the year Dolores Dolores and Fabian and Fabian married, married, the approximate the approximate year year theirtheir sons sons were were born,born, the date the date and place and place Dolores Dolores met Andres, met Andres, the the date they’d date they’d been been married, married, and finally and finally the murder the murder and Fabian’s and Fabian’s arrest. arrest.

There There were were only only ten days ten days between between the last thetwo. last two.

I worked I worked in a in state a state of heightened of heightened focus,focus, like the like few the times few times I’d I’d takentaken Adderall Adderall in college in college to write to write four papers four papers back-backto-back. to-back.

If I was If I was 35

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K A T KI EA TGI UE T GI U ER TR I EE RZ R E Z

rightright aboutabout the potential the potential for a for story a story fromfrom Dolores’s Dolores’s perspective, perspective, I hadI had to beto fast. be fast.

Relationship Relationship fraudfraud is typically is typically a man’s a man’s crime, crime, with with the FBI the idenFBI identifying tifying mostmost common common targets targets as women as women over over fortyforty who are whodivorced, are divorced, widowed, widowed, and/or and/or disabled. disabled.

Money Money is usually is usually the end the game. end game.

In 2016, In 2016, moremore than than fifteen fifteen thousand thousand relationship relationship scamsscams were were reported reported to theto the FBI’sFBI’s Internet Internet Crime Crime Complaint Complaint Center, Center, with with losseslosses over over two huntwo hundred dred million million dollars. dollars.

The real The numbers real numbers were were probably probably muchmuch higher. higher.

The stories The stories were were easy easy to find. to find.

Whirlwind Whirlwind romances, romances, women women who who couldn’t couldn’t believe believe their their luck: luck: He was Heawas doctor, a doctor, a soldier, a soldier, an entrepreneur. an entrepreneur.

He was He handsome, was handsome, charming. charming.

He took He took her out heron outhis onmotorcycle, his motorcycle, on on his speedboat, his speedboat, in hisinconvertible. his convertible.

He proposed He proposed after after only only a couple a couple of of months. months.

ArmsArms snaked snaked around around each each other’s other’s waists waists at courthouses at courthouses and and chapels, chapels, eyes shining. eyes shining.

But the Buttravel. the travel.

The money The money he needed he needed to borrow to borrow until until the real the estate real estate deal came deal came through. through.

The errant The errant piecepiece of mail of mail with with a different a different name.name.

The disappearing The disappearing act. Heartbroken act. Heartbroken and humiliated, and humiliated, the women the women were were forced forced to move to move in with in with agingaging parents parents or continue or continue working working the jobs the jobs fromfrom whichwhich they’d they’d been been set tosetretire. to retire.

WhatWhat was was takentaken fromfrom themthem wouldwould nevernever be recovered. be recovered.

I’d read, I’d read, once,once, that hypnotism that hypnotism only only worksworks on the onsuggestible— the suggestible— thosethose who who are willing are willing and ready and ready to suspend to suspend disbelief, disbelief, to focus to focus at at length length and with and with wholehearted wholehearted intensity intensity on anonalternate an alternate version version of of reality. reality.

Perhaps Perhaps the men the men who who preyed preyed on these on these women women were were like any like any otherother criminals— criminals— hunters, hunters, adeptadept at spotting at spotting thosethose with with the capacity the capacity to believe. to believe.

In the Incourse the course of myofdoublemy doublelife research, life research, I came I came across across only only one one otherother American American woman woman known known to have to have been been secretly secretly married married to two to two men men at once, at once, and itand haditnothing had nothing to dotowith do with money. money.

The The writer writer AnaïsAnaïs Nin was Nin fortywas fortyfour, four, married married to antoinvestment an investment banker banker named named Hugo, Hugo, whenwhen she met she Rupert met Rupert Pole Pole in 1947. in 1947.

He was He was twentytwentyeighteight and filmand filmstar handsome, star handsome, though though his acting his acting fell short fell short of of his looks. his looks.

TheyThey met in met a Manhattan in a Manhattan elevator elevator on their on their way to way thetosame the same party,party, and when and when he got hethe gotimpression the impression Nin was Nin divorced, was divorced, she didn’t she didn’t correct correct him. him.

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