THE RED ( and black ) ONION
Decky Toliver Steps Back as AHS Principal to Win the Beast Games
Memechilin, 5 Star Restuarant
In a shocking turn of events, Decky Toliver, the beloved assistant principal of AHS, has announced her resignation to pursue her dream of competing and winning MrFeasts’ infamous Beast Games. Students and staff were left speechless as Toliver traded her walkie-talkie for a green tracksuit numbered 456 and sprinted out of the school, yelling, “So long, suckers!”
Toliver revealed that she has been secretly training for years, doing full-
body workouts in her office in between meetings.
“I’ve always felt more beast than human,” Toliver said while packing up her office supplies and protein shakes.
The school board is scrambling to find a replacement who can match Toliver’s unique blend of administrative skills and cutthroat competitiveness. Meanwhile, students are placing bets on whether she’ll form an alliance with the gym teacher or betray him in the first episode.
The sudden departure of Toliver has
Students Support Department of Education Being Defunded
Tolkien, The Only One
Recently the abolishment of the Department of Education has been on the minds of many, sparking controversy in the media. However, students have been in great support of the possible executive order, in hopes of avoiding school altogether, after being made fun of by millennials for spending half of their high school careers behind a Zoom camera.
“Why would we want to go back to school? I’m just going to put all of my money into meme coins” said Alex Sigmanu a high school senior, formally committed to Pee-yew Pebble.
Last Sunday, Always High School hosted a rally in support of the bill starting at Paepke Park and ending by storming the AHS district office. Leaving flyers posted all over campus reading the words: “VIVIR EL RÉVOLUTION”
When interviewing the AHS students behind the flyers, one replied. “I think they said it in the French Revolution or something, idk I stopped going to class after Ski Day.”
After many strikes (under the disguise of senior skip days) and absences from set, Superintendent, Thrn Thumbleberry canceled school for the rest of the semester. “I mean you know what they say if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” Thumbleberry said while exiting the district office with a flyer in hand.
Ligma McIdontknowanythingatall who had a feature in the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World, has recently been appointed as the new secretary of the Department of Education by none other than Donald Junk.
“Who needs books about dystopias, we live in the greatest country in the world!”
Said McIdontknowanythingatall.
In the prayers of students everywhere, the Department of Education will be abolished within the year, when asked what she will now dedicate her hard-earned abundance of free time to, McIdontknownaythingatall replied, “I’ll probably go back to the ring, the pro wrestling scene needs some muscle, plus my teaching gig didn’t really work out”.
turned the senior lounge into a Beast Games viewing lounge, and the cafe has started to only sell Lunchly products in support of Toliver away at the competition.
As Toliver embarks on her quest for a $5 million prize, the senior lounge has never been quieter. One teacher commented, “We’re not sure if it’s because she’s gone or if everyone’s too busy watching the livestream.”
Cops Bust Lip Product Black Market at Always High School
Photo by Memechelin
Toliver standing at gaurd in front of her new hobby/job, ready to win some feastables.
Snowboarder TV Goes National
Melbourne, Australian
In today’s world, overwhelmed with propaganda and fake news, American citizens are asking for a savior: An entertaining, humorous, and most importantly, reliable news station. Well, fear not people of America! Your prayers have been answered. Always High School’s (AHS) own local network Snowboarder TV is going national!
While this announcement shocked many, it has reportedly been in the works for some time now. Over the course of several years, Snowboarder TV has slowly been hoarding the necessary materials for its expansion through fake claims of damaged and outdated equipment. In addition to stockpiling hardware, the Snowboarder TV class has been sneaking into the school using Anita Elk’s teacher pass and converting the black box into a full-blown production
studio. While Elk was initially frustrated when she located the hoard of materials, she came around quickly after hearing her students’ genius plan for national domination.
Armed with their cache of equipment they are ready to enter the national news scene. However, Anita Elk wants to maintain some of the local charm that makes Snowboarder TV so special.
“We will be bringing back the Griz Rizz as well as the Da Better Weather segments indefinitely to honor our community and AHS. It’s always important to remember where you come from,” Anita Elk said.
The class has expanded it’s roster to 100 students in order to meet the higher demands that will come with the title of a national news station, so if you are at all interested, Snowboarder TV urges you to join.
AHS Lip Product Black Market Busted
Elly uh nurd, Académica de Español
Five students at Always High School (AHS).were taken into custody and 40 were suspended last week in relation to a lip product black market in the girls’ bathrooms after the lip gloss detectors stopped working earlier that month. Witnesses claim there were over 60 students occupying the handicap stall when they were caught. In the two weeks leading up to the bust, teachers had noticed an increase in students leaving for the bathroom and returning after 15 minutes with perfectly shiny, moisturized, and plump lips.
A local Sephora kid who would walk up from the elementary school every morning to buy products at AHS was taken into custody by law enforcement when her bag was checked and over 200 lip balms, glosses, and chapsticks spilled out. She was offered bail, however, her mother refused, claiming that her daughter had stolen $2000 out of her safe to spend on said products already.
“My mom stopped taking me to Sephora after I supposedly was mean to the workers, so this was like, the only option I had left. I literally don’t get why
What to Know About IB Lunch HL
Hah-Lee, Not Haley
As the upcoming juniors embark on their course-selection journey, many are stumped when considering IB Lunch HL.
A newly introduced course, IB Lunch HL has caused many to feel hesitant to sign up and intimidated by the dense syllabus. The course offers a deep, thorough understanding of the rich histories found within Lunch, highlighting the complexities tied to the second, most important meal of the day. However, many feel pressured to enroll in the course, aseating lunch will be otherwise prohibited during the school week.
heavy meal and interacting with “table partners” as at any other feast. Year one provides a broad, historical stance of what Lunch entails, shocking many with the unexpected intricacy within the concept — year two dives into the meticulous details deep-rooted within the many Lunch levels.
Fenille Tolk teaches the class with an electrifying level of enthusiasm. It’s definitely a hard course,” Fenille said, “But AHS is filled with a lot of passionate, excited students who look forward to Lunch every day.”
she won’t let me out of jail, I barely even spent any money, and all my lip stuff was taken away from me,” the Sephora kid, who wishes to remain anonymous said.
After further investigation, the Always Police Department found that the dealer of the products had accumulated around $40,000 over the two weeks that the market ran. All students who were caught on the day of the bust had their lip products confiscated and their money was not returned. The dealer escaped the bathroom before the cops were able to arrest him and have yet to be identified, however, footage of the man was caught on a student’s cell phone. In the meantime, Strasshotdog has hired police to monitor each bathroom for the duration of the school day in an attempt to catch the culprit.
“We want to foster a safe environment for staff, students, and administrators, and having a lip product dealer on the loose is not a way to do so. It’s not an ideal situation for anyone, but it’s what we have to do in order to ensure all students are safe and following the law,” Strasshotdog said.
The mission of the International Baccalaureate (IB) is to “develop lifelong learners who thrive and make a difference” through challenging, thought-provoking courses. Any IB class will pose a challenge, including IB Lunch HL. Yet they are all fulfilling and worthwhile, contributing to the educational success of its students.
While an inevitably difficult two-year course, the IB Lunch HL curriculum is fascinatingly novel. A typical day taking the course includes consuming a
Without a doubt, IB Lunch HL is a class worth taking. Meal Expertise (based on conversation and consumption) is a skill everybody deserves to be educated in. After all, why would anybody turn down the opportunity to eat lunch at school?
Upcoming juniors: challenge yourself, step out of your comfort zone, and most importantly, eat lunch! IB Lunch HL is exhilarating, fulfilling, and valuable. It’s a demanding course but beyond enjoyable and satisfying.
Do yourself a service and enroll in IB Lunch HL!
Photo by Melbourne
People cheer with happiness for Snowboarder TV’s national debut in a local bar.
Photo by Memechelin
Hah-Lee informs you (very dapper-ly) about IB Lunch.
Photo by Melbourne
A disguised man showcasing his array of lip products in the bathroom.
CENSORED NEWS
BREAKING: Foosball Frenzy Table Turnover in the Commons
Kachow, Red Race Car
In the 2025-26 school year - sorry seniors - all tables in the commons and the hallways will be upgraded to foosball tables customized with the IB learner profile traits and red and black foos men. Food will be forbidden around these tables - but it’s all in the name of foosball. Although the furniture in the commons was just recently replaced, the school district believes that buying 45 foosball tables is the best use of their taxpayer dollars. This is great timing with the bond recently approved as this update will cost around $18,000, additionally in order to achieve this, teacher pay cuts will have to occur and class sizes will increase.
Decky Toliver, assistant principal, played a vital role in the purchase of the new foosball tables.
“Just like the Chromebooks, Always School District loves to spend tons of money on useless things!” Toliver said.
I asked Toliver what the driving force was in making this big decision for Always High School (AHS).
“You know we really love to encourage kids to have fun at school, we wanted to give them a healthy outlet and continue the climb to educational excellence,” Toliver said.
It was a hard decision for AHS to move on from the weirdly large circular tables in the commons, but it is for the better good of the school culture. Class is not as important as foosball, who needs learning anyway?
“There were many students who spearheaded this movement to implement foosball in the commons, most notably the senior boys who can be seen surrounding the tables at all waking hours. They wanted more foosball in the school, they are really the ones we need to thank,” Toliver said.
This new addition will not only allow for the cultivation of community and the discovery of how loud the commons could get with 45 foosball games going on all at once but also boost the AHS economy.
“With more foosball tournaments there will be more opportunities for me to bet all my money on them.” An AHS junior Foosy Fred said. This huge change will make the commons harder to navigate, and even louder during lunch, exactly what this school needs.
“If this goes well we might even think about incorporating foosball into classrooms and piloting the new IB foosball literacy class which would replace the previous pilot, IB Language and Cultures. The only culture we need at AHS is foosball,” Toliver said.
Teacher
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Note: This article was censored because it challenges my beliefs with logical facts and real information.
Photo by Kachow
A glimpse at the Commons’ new makeover.
Photo by Josie Jacobs
An exclusive glance at the championship matchup, streaming live on Aspen X.
Opperation
SNOWBOARDER NEWS
Operation ‘Go Home, Y’all’ Kicks off in Colorado: SCRAM
Quin Towers, TSA Founder
After years of enduring an influx of cowboy hats, oversized trucks, and Texas license plates at the forefront of I-70 car crashes, state officials have finally taken action. In a move that has shocked the nation, Governor Polio has announced Operation Go Home, Y’all, a sweeping deportation plan aimed exclusively at undocumented Texans who have overstayed their welcome.
According to state records, Texans now make up 90% of the people clogging up I-70 while attempting to see snow for the first time. Colorado officials say that while they welcome visitors, the sheer volume of Texas transplants trying to “improve” the state has reached unmanageable levels.
“We’re not against visitors,” President Donald Junk clarified during a press conference with Governor Polio. “But at some point, we had to ask: Is this an invasion? Traffic numbers are at an all-time high. Folks in Aspen especially have taken a true hit from this epidemic. How are they supposed to get billions and billions of dollars from the state to build a new bridge when these funds are instead used to employ all these undocumented Texans who are taking our hard-workin’ Coloradans’ jobs?”
In an effort to ensure a peaceful and efficient return of Texans to their homeland, state officials have devised
an approach that they believe will appeal to their sensibilities - a detour on I-25 leading straight to the Texas border.
However, President Junk has publically condemned these plans, claiming that Colorado’s approach is too “soft” and doesn’t follow America’s “ethically righteous procedures” for deportation.
“This plan is a complete disaster without proper protocol,”
President Junk recently argued during an interview with FAUX news. “Where’s ICE? Where’s Border Patrol? You can’t fix this mess without traditional values. We need reliable solutions - put my good buddy Melon Usk in charge of it! This guy knows how to get sh*t done. You can trust us to make Colorado great again.”
President Junk has since overridden
Governor Polio’s authority and is in complete control of Operation Go Home, Y’all. Congress quickly came out to declare this move illegal, citing the constitutional separation of powers and the overreach of federal authority. Junk fought back, claiming that his actions were patriotic and “less illegal than undocumented Texans, so it is A-okay.”
Operation Go Home, Y’all is still in its early phases, and Coloradans remain
optimistic that they may one day reclaim their highways and ski mountains. It is up in the air whether Operation Go Home, Y’all will truly clear the state’s roadways or escalate the conflict into a new kind of traffic nightmare. As Junk continues his far-from-legal intervention, Coloradans are quietly hoping that a lack of Texas license plates will result in a little less traffic, a little less cowboy spirit, and a lot fewer jean-wearing skiers.
History Department’s New Investment
Harvard Punts, SCC Hater
As we all know, AHS (Always High School) is always printing friggin packets yo. More specifically, the history department is always printing friggin packets yo. Whether it be the Great Emu War, Pope Gregory IX’s war on cats, or the Cat vs Emu war, teachers Divad City Market, Kayla Koala, Ms. Bro, Tam Tam, and Scott Listen love to print out 3-4 articles for students to analyze. Fortunately for students, AHS officials have said that printer paper is disappearing faster than a dog that has a nice life and unlimited food when it sees an open door. This is, of course, because of the trade war with paper suppliers that was started
by DOSCHE (Department of School Efficiency).
Unfortunately for students, the history department has a new idea.
“Our ability to print out friggin packets is diminishing,” said Scott Listen, “but we don’t want to use computers, so as a department we pooled all of our money together to buy the Amazon Rainforest. We are going to start making our own paper!”
Although the Amazon rainforest is valued around $10 trillion dollars, the teachers have somehow been able to afford this. Right now, people are speculating that they were able to pay for this as a result of the DOSCHE cuts to unnecessary departments like math.
“We are ecstatic,” said Tam Tam, “I am going to print out around 300 friggin packets tomorrow just to celebrate. I think that they are going to consist of articles about the Great Molasses Flood.”
On the other hand, students are angrier than babies when you tell them they can’t eat tide pods.
“Ts teachers man. Ts friggin packets PMO,” said AHS sophomore Stewart little.
“Just the other day I had to tell a teacher that if she would just get up and teach us instead of handing us a friggin packet yo we would like coming to school. I told her some kids don’t learn like that.
You gotta teach us face to face,” said AHS Senior Junior Sophomore. Unfortunately for students, it seems that the paper shortage has done more harm than good. Now that the history department can cut down as many trees as they want, the future is looking dire.
“We aren’t gonna have a single online article in history anymore. Only friggin packets yo,” said Divad City Market.
Photo by Harvard Punts
The history department cuts down trees to print friggin packets in the friggin rainforest, yo.
Photo By Quin Towers
During a protest people hold signs telling Texans to go home.
SIGMA NU
Chimothee Talamet Set to Play Rapunzell
Tuna Curry, Yummy Yummy Yummy Chimothee Talamet is known to be somewhat of an acting chameleon. His talents have taken him to portray the leader of a dystopian planet, a yearning suitor in the 1800s, a zesty chocolatier, and a grumbling Bob Dylan. While all these roles have displayed his acting range, he is trading in his dark chocolate curls for a long blonde braid. I got the opportunity to sit down with Chimmy and ask him about his biggest project to date:
I met him at Tylie Genner’s LA house, where I was greeted by Chimmy himself. He opened the door to me, revealing a shocking yellow wig spanning the length of the living room. Accompanying his new hairstyle, he was dressed in flowy lavender Buddha pants and a tight hot pink tank top. He shook my hand and welcomed me to “the crib”, and then led me down winding hallways until we reached his room (this took several minutes as he kept tripping over his hair).
“So Chimmy, I see you’ve taken the method acting pretty seriously for this film”
He chuckled with boyish nonchalance and twirled a long lock of his new ivory hair between his fingers
“Yeah I mean when I commit to a project I immerse myself in it. I’m not capable of giving anything less than 65%. Being a method actor means getting inside the mind of your character.”
“And what does Rapunzel’s mind look
like?”
He took a moment to think, closing his eyes and continuing twisting his hair before opening his eyes and confidently saying:
“Pink.”
He took a moment to smooth out his bright pink top before a ringtone interrupted us. A trap version of “When Will My Life Begin” with Chimmy’s unmistakable rap vocals erupted from a
bedazzled purple flip-phone.
“Its just White Boy, (formerly known as Dete Pavidson) I’ll call him later.”
“And how do you feel about sharing the screen with White Boy?”
“He’s really talented and knows how to command a screen. I have a suspicion its because his sickly appearance makes it hard to look away out of concern.”
Chimmy continued to give an elaborate speech about his quest for great-
ness, all the while meticulously picking through his luscious mane looking for split ends.
After my interview, he escorted me out of Tylie’s house and I left feeling slightly confused about what just happened, enlightened that he took the time to meet with me, and confident that this movie will open the audience’s eyes to Chimmy’s acting range, and become the most watched film since Joker 2.
Photo By Tuna Curry
Chimothee Talamet set to play Rapunzell in the new live action Tangled movie alongside a star-studded cast. Set to premiere the summer of 2057.
Hot Dog Hans Goes to the Olympics
A-ray-of-sunshine, In the Sky
Hot Dog Hans is currently the top athlete in the world.
He currently has 315 gold medals for the half pipe and is planning to add at least 80 more to his collection by the end of 2025. Hans became famous after posting his videos of his tricks on social media, showing all of the younger athletes on the pipe.
There has been a rumor started by that he would be going to the 2025 Winter Olympics and when the Olympic committee heard of this rumor, they called
Hans to ask if he would want to compete. At first, he was hesitant because he thought that his skills would exceed his possible opponents in the Olympics but after a couple of months, he finally agreed to attend.
“I wasn’t sure how I felt about going to the winter Olympics because I know I’m better than the other athletes, but then decided that I could level the playing field because we all know the Olympic Committee only tests for performing enhancing substances,” Hans said.
To get to the Olympics, he drove his
Volkswagen van named Mom Jeans, it broke down halfway and he needed to stop in an unknown town in the middle of Hawaii. He arrived at the venue three weeks later where the Olympic community asked him to stay in the nicest room in the hotel where the other Olympians were all staying, but he decided that he would stay in his half-broken-down van. Arriving five minutes before he was supposed to compete, he skied into the pipe, did one 6.02 x 10^26 cork, and went back to his van to eat lunch. They then announced that he won gold, he walked up from his van and right up to the podium, got his medal, and drove back to Colorado.
Han’s biggest fan who is 10 years old, watched his performance.
“Watching Hot Dog Hans drop that fire cork lives rent-free in my head. No cap the trick was lit and I know I am a simp for Hans and he’s all mine so back off.”
Photo by A-ray-of-sunshine
Hot Dog Hans dominates half-pipe at Olympics, securing another gold medal.
ASSPEN NEWdS
Borat Pays a Visit to Aspen, Reports it was Very Nice!
Quin Towers, TSA Founder Kazakhstan’s most famous journalist, Borat Sagdiyev, made a surprise visit to Aspen this week, much to the delight (and horror) of tourists and ski enthusiasts alike. Arriving in his signature gray suit and well-worn mustache, Borat was hoping to experience the luxurious mountain lifestyle he had heard so much about. What followed was a cultural clash, as Boarat struggled to understand a town where fur coats cost more than his village and where people voluntarily throw themselves down mountains.
Upon arrival, Borat was seen struggling to comprehend the town’s ski culture and amenities, particularly its lack of traditional Kazakh livestock.
“Very nice place! So many rich peoples!” Borat said. “But in my country, best way to travel down mountain is on strong yak or, if you are poor, on cousin. Here, they use sticks on feet. In America, is cousin not for free?” he inquired, making his way up the gondola.
On his first night in Aspen, Borat decided to hit the town and indulge in Aspen’s finest dining. However, Aspen’s elite culinary scene was a culture shock he wasn’t prepared for.
“I go to restaurant, they bring me food smaller than my thumb but charge me price bigger than my friend Azamat! In my country, Kazakhstan, we call this a scam, but here, they call it ‘Michelin-star’. I don’t get,” Borat reported, walking down Restaurant Row.
Borat’s confusion continued after talking to the lifties on the mountains, in which he discovered that Aspen’s “powder” referred to the fresh snow on the slopes and not, as he assumed, a more illicit form of entertainment.
“I ask him where to find best powder. He say, ‘Everywhere!’ I think, wow, America is very honest! But then I see him sniffing snow like an idiot,” Borat
said. “Half the reason I pay visit to Aspen is because Colorado is very open about my favorite green plant.”
Borat was subsequently told to ask an Always High School (AHS) student for inside information - last Monday, he was seen hopping on a HAFTA bus and strutting into the AHS doors. While he was on the way to find a group of children to converse with, the smells of blue-raspberry-tango and grape-for-you smoke distracted him, bringing him on an unsolicited dungeon run.
“Great success!” Borat exclaimed. “I
walk into bathroom, and students are holding new American invention they call vape. We no have in Kazakhstan! I take puff and haven’t felt this happy since my last wife!”
Last night, Borat’s American excursion came to an end as he was seen boarding a plane to return to the great land of Kazakhstan - witnesses say that he swapped his gray suit with a microwave one-piece.
“My time in Aspen was very nice, but I wasted too many dollars here on trophy wives and my new cinnamon-flavored
vapes,” Borat said. “In Kazakhstan, for this price, you can buy whole village and two decent wives. Here, they rob you of your money, and say that it because you are not ‘local.’ I never heard this before. Still, I had much fun in Aspen, and I must return - great success!”
Local officials have already started preparing - meanwhile, Kazakhstan officials have already started issuing statements against Borat’s misrepresentation of Kazakh culture, although there has been a noticed increase in Kazakh tourism - great success!
Aspen Mayor Renames all Provinces in United States of Aspen, Casts off Florida
Photo by Quin Towers
AHS bouncer Sward did not frick with Borat’s unexpected visit to Always High School.
The
WHoroslope
Leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd): The world revolves around you If others can’t realize that, make yourself the victim and cut them out of your life. You are superior to all, and you sure act like you know it. Tonight: Polish your mirror
Libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 22nd): Everyone is always urging you to make up your mind. Today, spend as much time making decisions as you need. Ignore the fact that you are holding up the line and take all the time in the world. It’s not bothering anyone! Tonight: Just make a damn choice
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Today people may try and persuade you to do something you don’t want to. Don’t do it. No matter how genuine or good the cause is, stay stubborn and don’t budge. Tonight: Dig your heals in
Scorpio (Oct. 23rdNov. 21st): Today dial it up to 10. Whatever your feeling, feel it more. You are talking too quietly, your voice should carry for miles. Your hugs should have to power to suffocate a small child. Your steps should reverberate through the halls. The word overbearing was created for you. Tonight: Take up the whole bed
Aquarius (Jan. 20th-Feb. 18th): Today you are akin to the likes of Elsa and Jack Frost. You may feel the want to be cold and unfeeling, lean into that. If someone hugs you, don’t hug back. Your friend’s dog just died, you don’t care. Stay icy and numb. Tonight: Eat a snowcone
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd-Dec. 21st): If something makes you upset today, just leave. That plane ticket to another country is calling your name. Why stick around to solve the problem when you can just abandon it altogether? Tonight: Catch a redeye
Pisces (Feb. 19th-March 20th): Are you even reading this? Today your head is in the clouds. You are unable to focus and should indulge your need to stare at a wall for hours on end. Drown out your teachers and friends and just exist in your own mind. Tonight: Put on your daydreaming playlist
Virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd): See that dirty spot over there? I know you do. Clean it. Anything remotely out of place that you notice today MUST be fixed as promptly as possible. It doesn’t matter if you drive the people around you crazy, you put the perfect in perfectionism. Tonight: Declutter your attic
Aries (March 21st- April 19th): You may be feeling impatient or angry today, embrace. If someone is pissing you off, take a swing and see what happens. Anger is your biggest strength. Tonight: Channel your inner Mike Tyson
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): You may feel emotional today, own it. Let those mood swings fly. Make a decision based on your feelings at the time, don’t consider what they’ll be in the next few minutes. Tonight: Cry yourself to sleep
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 19th): That person standing in the way of your success, smash them to pieces. It doesn’t matter how loyal they are. Even if it’s your own mother, she’s just holding you back. Clear the path to your deserved accomplishments. Tonight: Drop that dead
Gemini (May 21stJune 20th): You may feel inclined to gossip and spread false truths and exaggerations today. Lean into this desire, tell one thing to someone and then the complete opposite to another. Today you will be the creator of chaos and confusion. Tonight: Stay two-faced
You can find the answer to the strands at: www.skierscribbler. com to check your answers!
