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Contents Letters In the News From the Mind Of A Good Point A New Poem Mr. Know-It-All Health for Dummies A Polemic A Word for A Word A New Poem Exquisite Corpse New Illustrations A Parody In Brief Dr. Person Writing This An Examination Dylan’s Dating Advice A Story A Drawing Dear Cooking Queen Two New Poems Food Talk A Check Now Lie
4 5 6 7 8 9
50 51-52 53 54 55 56
11 12 13 14 15-22 23 24
A New Poem A Test A Good Idea A Short Skit A Story A List A Common Occurrence Awesome Insults Logic A Poll A Fake Poll Evidence Of A New Poem A Tiny Story
25-29
A Drawing
65
30
A Collaboration
66
31
Strange Creatures
67
32-40 41
A Statement Excerpt From
68 69-71
42-43
Stuff for Sale
72
44-45 46-47 48 49
A Story In the News Strange Creatures Contributors
73 74-75 76 77
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57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64
DEAR SHEEPISH DUCK
281 COUNTY ROAD BARRINGTON, RI 02806
Write to us!
Dear Sheepish Duck, I love your magazine! It’s awesome. I read it instead of books or newspapers (that gets my teacher pretty angry, plus my parents). You know how some people are obsessed with celebrities? Well, I’m obsessed with this magazine! I don’t really know what else to say... I just want to say how much I love this magazine! I wish I could help write it!
P.P.S. Please publish this letter, but not this sentence!
Dear SheepishDuck,
I live in Australia, so excuse my spelling errors. Sheepish Duck has been my bedtime story every night since I was six. Now I’m nine, and it isn’t cool to have bedtime stories. Anyway, my favorite part of Sheepish Duck is the poems and pictures. So I was just asking if you could draw a picture of my pet hamster, Govo. PLEASE!
Sheepish Duck Lover, Elizabeth, McGregor Edinburgh, Scotland
P.S. I just thought of something! It’s very funny!
Thanks, Caroline Jesel Melbourne, Australia
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EVIL PENGUIN ESCAPES ZOO IN THE NEWS by Reporter At Large
Last night, an evil penguin escaped from the Doomsville Zoo. All the guards heard was the click of a lock and a ―hee, hee, hee!‖ Then he was gone. The elephant said he heard the penguin was headed for Guam. So if you Spaniard penguins hear from him, text 555-1234 at findpenguin.org Thank you!
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FROM
THE
MIND
OF
JESSICA
WAN
SQUASH & DOGS by Jessica Wan
Q: What do you call a dog? A: A Sinkinsquashi.
Q: What do you a squash? A: A Squashini.
Look. A Squashini. It’s really lazy. As always, it came from Whangdoodleland. It likes eating appi. The sweet things – yeh. Now squashini went to The Gazooks. But at the end he got eaten. Oh, my.
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HOW TO BE AGILE #1 A GOOD POINT by Eli Kelley
l W
alking to your apartment, walking in the sand, running in the field, cruising through space, or walking hot, hot, hot, like a hot girl in a fancy restaurant. Yo, it’s all cool, bro. Today, while playing cards, I noticed a sore on my finger, it was bleeding from the fingernail to the arm. I didn’t want anyone to see me, so I ran to the bathroom. When I came out, the poker boys nailed me because I missed my turn and because I lost, and that was the bet. That was not agile.
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A SINGLE SINGER A NEW POEM by Amelia Pappas -Horii
A single singer From Singapore Single-handedly Single mindedly Beat Superman Scuba diving.
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MR. KNOW- IT- ALL BASEBALL by Amelia Pappas -Horii
T
o all of the people who like to watch baseball – WHY?!! All the team does is hit a small, hard ball with a stick and run to little white things on a baseball diamond. (Why is it called a baseball diamond?) Also, all the batter does is run around in circles like dogs chasing their tails, but they don’t have tails. THAT MAKES NO SENSE!! Also, what the people do while they are watching baseball is absurd. All they do is
scream, eat, eat more, root for their team (LOUD!), and cry when their team loses. To all of the people who are learning baseball: Stop wasting your time learning how to hit a ball with a stick. Do something useful, like learning how to iron (something I learned from my mom). P.S. I have never seen baseball. P.P.S. I don’t know the rules. P.P.P.S. Do not kill me if you like baseball. P.P.P.P.S. Please…
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HEALTH FOR DUMMIES A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN b y D r . I. C ur e E v er y th i ng
Dear Readers, My daughter, Shameeka, is in fourth grade, and I have realized how much stress she is going through right now. She has four things to do on Thursday. She has to get everything above expectations, or else she beats herself up. If anyone you know is going through a lot of stress, tell them to do the Helpful Helpers™. They worked on my daughter, they will work on you, too.
at the last minute so you get stressed out even more. Dear Dr. I. Cure Everything,
I have been sneezing for a week now. I am allergic to pollen and have not left the house for a week because the Pollen Index said it is very high. I have taken hot tea with lemon and honey, congestion drops to Sneezy Med, but nothing will help. What should I do? - Sneezy Dear Sneezy, You are not suffering from pollen at all! You are suffering from something people get when they stay in a building too long, called House Syndrome. The only cure is to stick pollen up your nose. So basically, sorry to say, to stop the sneezing you’ll have to keep sneezing.
Tip 1: Do not under any circumstances take deep breaths. They only stress you out more. Tip 2: Ask your teacher to give you more and a lot harder homework. This will reduce your stress because there will be more things for you to worry about.
- Dr. I. Cure Everything
Tip 3: Do nothing. That way you can do everything
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REPUBLICAN HIPPOPOTUMUSES A POLEMIC b y E l i Ke lle y
r this is a rhinoceros
A
rt thou thy animals Republican? Only one. [cue scary music] It’s a....h-h-h-hippopotamus! They have horrid health insurance. They went through puberty. And worst of all...they have Full Channel and watch FOX News!
They are very religious and they hate head bands! Can you believe that? I p r ef er a D em ocr ati c H i p popot amus .
I just remembered something very important. It is that, that, that... oh my God! REPUBLICAN HIPPOSDON’TEXIST!!!
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A WORD FOR A WORD CAT by Evan Stabach
de meow de no woof kitty kit-kat de hiss kitty kat kitty cat de no bark de purr mouser kat kitee
Illustration by Dylan Ingham
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BEACH
A NEW POEM by Morgan Spears
Waves crashing sun shining sand tickling my toes popsicle licking sandal shopping and whatever else goes.
BIG BOW ON HEAD Illustration by Jessica Wan
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exquisite corpse FOUR NEW POEMS by Eight Young People
Art thou chicken blue? I like popcorn. To be or not be, or to be both. A bull has a horn. I have forsworn your bed and company. Bye-bye!
On a bitter cold night as black as death Boosh to all dragons! Suddenly, someone struck me with a knife. Do the fwap song. fwap fwap fwap. I felt my heart drip with sorrow. fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap fwapfwap fwap fwap fwap fwap
. . . . . The bird chirps Unknown time passes Everyone giggles Yellow nail polish Zinc smears Eyelashes flash rhythmically People eat McDonald’s Why is there such a thing as a question mark?
. . . . . Lilly lies in lovely lollipops (lemon) Purple smells like pears. Ally adores apricots! I like green, goats, and glass.
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by Evan Stabach
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16
17
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Drawing by Evan Stabach
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The unhealthy snake A NEW DRAWING by El i Kell ey
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A PARODY by El i Kell ey
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ZOMBIES vS PEOPLE IN BRIEF by El i Kell ey
Art thou they zombies low? People are high, but zombies are low. Zombies lose body parts, get really bloody, and live down there. They pop their eyes out and bleed..
People, however (some have issues) are more normal and very smart. Plus.. people are alive and zombies are dead. Plus, zombies have their mind wiped before they die so they don’t know anything!
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DR. PERSON WRITING THIS QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERED by Kerry Eller
O Hello! This is Dr. Person Writing This. Today I’m going to share a list of questions I want answered, so here it goes...
What is the difference between living and existing?
What frustrates you most about not growing fruits on your body?
Do bubbles shimmer different colors underwater like they do in air?
How important are buttons to society?
Is it possible to breathe out and in at the same time?
How does the President feel about the topic of ―Ding Dong‖?
Is it possible to make a desk out of doodles?
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DR. PERSON WRITING THIS CANDIWORLD by Kerry Eller
s Hello! This is Dr. Person Writing This. Today I’m going to tell you about a world of candy. I’ll name an object of this world, and give it a candidimension object to go with it. So here it goes... Sand = Sugar Twigs = Fun Dip Water = Honey Grass = Twizzlers Rocks = Rock Crystals Pavement - Kit Kats People = Sour Patch Peoples Houses = Sugar Blocks Cloth = Fruit Roll-Ups Flowers = Chocolate Flowers Dirt = Crumbled Chocolate Clouds = Mystified Sugar Water Cats = Cats That’s all for today! I hope you enjoyed it! I’ll write about this more next time.
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DR. PERSON WRITING THIS EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO THE TOP OF MY HEAD by Kerry Eller
r Hello! This is Dr. Person Writing this. Today I am going to tell you everything that comes to the top of my head. So here it goes... Chicken ate pie for a pig who needed a home. Flag poles are nice. Whether the top is incredible of the troll ate the both that doesn’t matter to me. So how are you? Now I need a pig eating a dragon. There’s a book next to me. It’s red, and I looove coat hooks, the ones with balls on them. Ooh!! Person walking in the door. 8:00 is the time of light. Now is new with a chewy blue goo. Boats in a marina with eating chickens whilst piercing the mayor? Now what am I doing again? Okay, that’s an insight of the head of the person writing this. Hope you enjoyed it!
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DR. PERSON WRITING THIS HOW TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING by Kerry Eller
8 Hello! This is Dr. Person Writing This. Today I will tell you how to accomplish something — anything. So here it goes... MATERIALS NEEDED: Tulip person/you pie banana wheel-able porta-potty (just in case)
So now, depending on what you need to accomplish... GO DO SOMETHING WITH THESE OBJECTS! Thanks for listening, and I hope it works!
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DR. PERSON WRITING THIS VENTING by Kerry Eller
H ell o ! Thi s i s Dr . P e r s on Wr it in g Thi s. T his is s om et h ing c all e d v e n t ing . S o her e it g oe s. . .
Thank you for listening. I needed to get that off my chest! Bye!
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16 HOURs IN A TELEPHONE AN EXAMINATION by Evan Stabach
Why are there only sixteen? Why not 24? What are the dots? Are they minutes? HEY TEACHER, ARE THERE 16 HOURS + 4 MINUTES IN A TELEPHONE
Yes, in fact, there are! 30
DYLAN’S DATING ADVICE A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN by Dyl an In gh a m
1. EGGPLANTS If you stick eggplants under your armpits it’ll make you look more muscular, and if you don’t like the person you’re dating, you can always throw the sweaty eggplants at them and run.
obviously have them fry a miniature clock.
Dear Dylan, How do you dump your date? Mystery Person St. Louis, MO.
2. PET WOLVES You should keep a pet wolf so that if the person you’re dating is dating someone else, you can have the wolf eat the person that is dating the person that you like. After that, you can shoo the wolf away and say that you saved the person that you like from the wolf. Hopefully, she/he will like you.
Dear Mystery Person, First, get a dump truck. Then tell the person you’re dating that you’re going to a fancy restaurant together and drive him or her to the dump. Carry them out of the truck and dump them in the dirtiest bit of trash you can find. If he or she is too heavy you can always put them in a wagon and drag them.
3. HYPNOSIS Hypnotize the person you like so that you can make them – well, you know what I’m gonna say –
P.S.: If you want to be more stylish, you could bring them to a sewer treatment plant instead.
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EVAN STABACH
3000, THE YEAR OF 2.0 A STORY
CHAPTER I
was set to the clothing of the time.
like 2.0. In 2030 there was new technology, time travel! I had one myself! I decided to go 1000 years from when I was born (If you want to know, I was born on the year 2000), which is 3000, and stepped in. I forgot to mention that it
I pressed on and VWOOOOOOOSH!!!! I looked around; instead of wood, the houses were made of metal and were about the size of a portapotty – SERIOUSLY! I was dressed in metal then I noticed I had a cold feeling on my left eye, I could see a lot better. I looked for my address.
I
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I found it! Like in 2030 my yard was a metal boardwalk with water on both sides, one half saltwater, the other half fresh-water. It was filled with eels, fish, a dolphin, seals, otters, sea urchins, sea stars, sponges, and coral. Everything that isn’t really dangerous.
So that’s what it was! I decided to go for a swim. I looked up water-proof clothing on Google. It came up with a website I’d never seen ―www.iron cothing.com.‖ I slip the mouse to it and clicked. I clicked on swim gear for boys and ordered a light metal bathing suit that was navy blue.
Two staircases led down into the water, leading to a small aquarium. I said ―Hi‖ to Clicker the dolphin. Then I went inside. Five floors of the house belonged to the underwater critters, five floors belonged to me. Re-member the cold feeling I had on my left eye? Well it was colder than ever! I longed to see what it was, so I looked for a mirror. The first place I thought a mirror would be is in a bathroom. I found one on the sixth floor. The bathroom had a 9’ x 9’ tub!! Over the sink was a mirror. A blue eyepiece was strapped onto a third of my head.
Immediately, I heard the doorbell ring. I ran up several staircases and finally reached the front door. It turned out to be the UPS guy who’s name turned out to be Bob
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(later in the story you will hear more about Bob, but for now he will just be Bob the UPS guy.) ―Yes‖, I answered. I opened the door. There was the bathing suit that I’d ordered minutes before! What happened to three days? I wondered to myself. I invited Cole, Alex, Manoli, Ben, Sam, Eli, Colin, Finn, and Trent over to swim.
Everybody but Colin and Finn could come.
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I got ready for them with chips, pizza, water, and chairs with umbrellas. Seven cars pulled up ten minutes late. ―Hi Cole, Alex, Manoli, Ben, Sam, Eli, and Trent!‖ I called. ―Hi!‖ they chorused. When we were ready, we went down into the saltwater side. I went directly to Clicker. But when I found him, Clicker was acting unusual because Bob the UPS Guy was squatting behind the small rock wall. Bob wasn’t Bob the UPS guy, he really worked for a secret agency!
―Yes‖, said Cole. ―Yup‖, said Alex. ―Yes‖, said the rest of the boys. So we had pizza, chips, and water for lunch. ―You want to play on my new Quartz Wii?‖ I asked. ―What do you have?‖ asked Trent. ―Super Mario Brothers 1 and 2, Super Mario Colors, Super Mario Galaxy, How to Train Your Dragon, How to Train Your Dragon 2.0, Hero Factory 2.0.‖, I answered. ―Let’s vote!‖ Quartz Wii can have any number of players. Each remote was made out of a different mineral, I got quartz this time. We each customized our own 2.0 dragons and downloaded our pictures onto Picto-Mii Channel for our character.
―Is anyone hungry?‖ I asked.
FORTY MINUTES LATER...
―Bye!‖ I called to my friends as they drove away. I wanted to know what my clothes looked like so I looked down.
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Wee ooh wee ooh wee ooh! Police sirens screamed. I changed back into my human form when the police arrived. ―Skeletal Spies aren’t good,‖ said one officer named Jake, ―we could use your help at 2.0 spies.‖ He handed me a business card.
I was wearing a metal suit that was surprisingly warm (this is because there were clothes inside). I immediately knew it was a 2.0 suit. 2.0 suits could change you into something else if you were wearing one. I decided to start small-acat. The plates melted into my skin, I started to shrink! I could feel my bones twisting and reforming. The metal must’ve made me stronger. Now the transformation was complete! CRACK! I heard a twig snap nearby. I followed the sound and found Bob, but he wasn’t in his UPS uniform, he was in a black suit. On the pocket were two words, Skeletal Spy, printed in red. This guy is bad, I thought.
―Thanks!‖ I said. ―Why are the Skeletal Spies so bad?‖ ―They want our secret files‖ Jake replied.
I started changing fast into a cheetah, when he was me I was already on top of him. I forgot to mention that 2.0 suits had a built in phone. 911, I thought.
After the police left I went to bed. I dreamed about the 2.0
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spies fighting the Skeletal Spies and what a great day tomorrow will be.
I walked down the marble path and knocked on the door. The door opened. ―Meow‖ said Colin’s pet tiger cub, Stripey. ―Hi Stripey!!!‖ I exclaimed, reaching down to pet him. When I was done petting Stripey I said to Colin ―He’s grown a lot!‖ By the way, Stripey is probably the only tiger that eats vegetables. ―He’s getting a 2.0 suit on St. Patricks Day!!!!‖ said Colin. ―Clickers getting it on March 24th,‖ I replied. ―Do you know that I got 3 quartz Wii games?‖ asked Colin, ―The two that I got for you are Lego Atlantis and Super Aqua Mario Bros. Ya like them?‖ ―Yes, there really cool, thanks a lot!‖ I said. ―Do you want to try them out?‖ he asked. ―Okay!‖ I said. ―Which one first?‖ asked Colin. ―Super Aqua Mario Bros!‖ I replied. I got the ruby controller and Colin let me be number one!
When I was awoken at 6:47, I called Colin to find out if I was going over to his house or if he was up for coming over to Tommy’s house. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop went the phone as I punched in his phone number. ―Hello?‖ said Colin. ―Hi, it’s Evan! Sorry if I woke you. I just wanted to find out if I should come over to your place?‖ I said. ―Okay‖ said Colin. I drove to Colin’s house in my red car. Colin’s yard is awesome, it’s full of minerals! It also has two pits that blow fire. At the gates are two tigers made of quartz, mica, and orangite. ―Password please.‖ said a computer-generated voice. ―Tiger.‖ I answered. ―Correct!‖ said the voice.
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He led me to the 2.0 Spies leader G2.0.
―There are three tests,‖ said G2.0, ―First is the swimming test. 1, 2, 3, GO!‖
I flipped off the diving board changing into an eagle, then shooting into the water and changing into dolphin. I finished in just 10 seconds. After that I changed into my normal form. ―Your next test is running.‖ Said G2.0. I ran for a second and then changed into a cheetah (the fastest living thing on land). The test was fast as well. ―The final test is stealth‖ said G2.0. I chose to become a panther. I saw my target, a skeleton dummy. I crept through the shadows and then I leaped.
It was awesome, we beat world one! ―Thanks!‖ I called to Colin. Then I drove to 2.0 Spies. Fred the police officer said ―Welcome E2.0, I’ve heard a lot about you!‖
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―Good!‖ cheered G2.0, ―See you soon!‖ I drove home. When I got home, I googled female dolphin with 2.0. The first result was a website called www.aqualife.com. I clicked on it. The home page was like Amazon except with a different background. I added it onto my bookmarked favorites list. I even made a shortcut to it! It had a long list of marine creatures and supplies. I found the word dolphin in blue and underlined. I clicked on it. I selected the type, bottle-nose, and the gender. I ran to the door knowing what happened if you ordered something.
―I guess you like marine creatures.‖ ―Yes!‖ I said.
ONE MINUTE LATER… I was in my lab brainstorming names for the dolphin. Flipper! Fisher?
Joyfin?
Echo?
I decided on the name Clicker. It was 6:00 so I played my new quartz Wii games. Suddenly there was a flash of light and I heard a scream!
TO BE CONTINUED. . .
Chapter II
S
ure as sure, an Aqualife truck had come. I ran toward it. ―Just put it in this side!‖ I said. Joe, who worked for Aqualife said
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A NEW DRAWING
Eisama is fast. So fast, nobody will play tag with her. Will she fix the problem and be able to fit in‌ even if it’s with another race?
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DEAR COOKING QUEEN by Abby Wilhelm
Dear Cooking Queen, 1. Crack 1 or 2 eggs into a cereal bowl. Shake in some salt and pepper. Add a tablespoon of milk.
For the past couple of years, all I had for breakfast is cereal. My Mom likes to sleep late and never taught me how to cook. When I woke up this morning, my Mom was in bed. No surprise there. I went down-stairs, opened a cup-board, and saw that we didn’t have any cereal. Or bread to make toast. What should I do? - I Love Cereal Spokane, WA
2. Whisk it all together. 3. Put a frying pan on the stove and turn the heat to medium. 4. When you think the pan is hot enough, flick water on it. If the water sizzles, it means the pan is hot enough. 5. Pour a little oil into the pan. Tilt the pan around so oil covers the bottom of the pan.
Dear I Love Cereal, The easiest recipe for you to make is Scrambled Eggs.
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6. Pour the egg mixture into the pan. Use a spatula to move the egg around. Do this for 2-3 minutes. Maybe even shorter.
NOTE: To make your eggs hot an’ spicy, pour some tobacco sauce over them once the eggs are on your plate.
7. Take the pan off the heat, turn off the stove, and pour your eggs on your plate.
The Cooking Queenď‚Ť
Enjoy.
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WHERE IS SUMMER A NEW POEM
by Abby Wilhelm
Where is Summer Oh where is Summer It should be here But instead it is Spring with rain falling everywhere. The sky has fallen Dark has come But that doesn’t stop the pitter pattering As I fall asleep I hope tomorrow will bring A none pitter pattering day But I wake up in the morning Just to see Something from a disappointing land Puddles grew The grass is wet And I know it’s not from dew Oh where is Summer It should be here But instead it is Spring with rain falling everywhere.
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CELEBRATE A NEW POEM
by Abby Wilhelm
Celebrate School’s out It’s Summertime I have shouted so much My throat is hoarse Come on everybody Let’s dance and sing ‘Cause today is a day to Celebrate A year has gone by And we deserve a chance To be proud of that So come on everybody Let’s Celebrate School’s out Let’s sing and shout.
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Food Talk HAVE YOUR CAKE by Kayla Duvel
Broccoli is no longer consumed in this country. It is ugly.
Easy Bake ovens are super lame, broken, weird, and so NOT easy! (So ha, Hasbro.)
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Pink and white frosting always tastes the same. (Green and red frosting tastes toxic.)
You know the frosting that sticks…well, coats the roof of your mouth and makes your mouth slimy? Yeah, so it really stinks if you leave it in the sun.
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Pay to the Order of Jabba the Hutt by Sa m T ra chtenbe rg
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NOW LIE New Poems by Kendall Jones
, &
!
, ?
! ,
,
?
!
! ! ,
!
!
’ ’
… , ,
, ,
’
! ―‖ ! 49
’
DRIP
A NEW POEM
by Dylan Ingham
The rain falls on my windowsill Like soft pellets of liquid life. Nurturing the soil. Livening the vegetation. Dripping evermore. Drip, Drip, Drip.
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ARE YOU A GOAT? A TEST by Dylan Ingham (If you’re Evan Weinstein, you’ll understand this.) 1. Do you have strange cravings for blood and violence? Yes No 2. Are you naturally attracted to rams? Yes No 3. Do you ever want to evily say “Bah!” Yes No 4. Do you wish you had thousands of twins? Yes No 5. Do you feel as though meat is the most delicious food in the universe? Yes No 6. Would you be fine with being stuck in a cage a lot of the time? Yes No 7. Would you feel a great sense of accomplishment if you viciously murdered someone? Yes No 8. Do you despise love and happiness? Yes No 9. Do you embrace agony and horror with cruel pleasure? Yes No 10. Do you have a goatee? Yes
No
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If You Answered 1-3 Questions yes: Don’t worry, you’re not even close to being a bloodthirsty goat. 4-6 questions yes: Hmmm...You’re kind of iffy. 7-9 questions yes: I suggest you get into your best goat suit and walk up to ram dude’s door. 10 questions yes: You should seek mental help.
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PRISON ESCAPE PLAN A GOOD IDEA
by Kendall Jones 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Wait till the guard brings you food. Break the water cup. Scrape out mortar around a large brick. Remove the large brick. Have your spouse or friend deliver you twine on a fishing pole through your barred window. 6. Tie brick to twine. 7. Keep fishing pole. 8. Do this:
9. Lower it slowly 18 feet above guard’s head. 10. Let go of lever thing. 11. As he slumps to the floor, take the keys. 12. Unlock your door, freeing the army of venomous creep-os 13. Mwaha ha!
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INVISIBLE HAIRCUT A SHORT SKIT by Morgan Spears
v
Jane Ella, your mom told me as your babysitter to take you to get a haircut. I don’t care if Bryce your invisible friend is afraid of clowns. Ella Bryce has trusted me to be his owner and I am not leaving until you take the clown balloon out of the backseat of your car. Jane OK, honey, now put on your shoes while I run to the car. [Jane goes to the car] Ella Bryce, you hanging in there? Do you want a haircut? OK, OK, but my mom won’t be happy to take you for one tomorrow.
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Pineapple bikini A SHORT STORY by Kendall Jones
g M
y name is pineapple bikini. I am twentythree years old and I live in an apartment that has everything I need, including my head polisher. It is a spinny
thing with candle wax rubber things and crazy shine nail buffers. I stick my head in, flip a switch and my head comes out hairless and shiny.
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Cheeseburger Charming soup monkey duck fenway park coke striped bananas 56
WORDS SPELLED RONG A COMMON OCCURRENCE by Evan Stabach
e First of all, wrong as “rong,” “got a” as gotta, “gonna” as going to:
thank u! 57
(AWESOME!) INSULTS DON’T SAY THESE by Dylan Ingham
x EGOTISTICAL PORPOISE PARANOID WARTHOG BALLISTIC TURKEY OBESE SHARPIE
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LOGIC AN ASSUMPTION by Dylan Ingham
Nothing of the purple hedgehog.
Cussin!
Breaking goo! Cactuses just called
Wussin!
war on Honks?...To-Be-Contin-U-
Thing-a-ma-doobob!
Ed!
Yargma-Jargma-Fargme-woo!
Donkeys
are
superior
to
caterpillars, yet donkeys are kind to
their
unsuperiors.
Now,
if
But, nothing of the purple hedgehog.
caterpillars were taught poetry, they would doom donkeys!
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l
I asked Sheepish Duck, ―What do you think of when you hear the word
?‖
2 people thought ―sky‖ 2 people thought ―fluffy‖ 1 person thought ―shapes‖ 1 person thought ―duck‖ 1 person thought ―dreams‖ 2 people thought ―puffy‖ 1 person thought ―air‖ 1 person thought ―rain‖ 1 person thought ―birds‖ For some strange reason, I thought of clouds.
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FAKE POLL A GOOD QUESTION by Kendall Jones
B Do you have a tuna casserole where your soul is?
Out of 1000 polled: 110 - yes 1 - of course 280 - no way, you pickle! 9 - eh?
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Evidence of Spike Unification Theory IN NORTHERN INDOILCAL! by Kendall Jones
H Spike Unification Ceremonies involve the pitiful use of an unwilling victim volunteer. The volunteer is impaled by two spikes tied together with pink
pearls and gold dresses. The victim volunteer is deleted by means of safety pins. It is a beautiful thing to watch.
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EYEBALL A NEW POEM by Sam Trachtenberg
There is a dent in the eyeball. I made the dent in the eyeball. Paint rubbed on my finger from the eyeball. I am mad at the eyeball. I got the eyeball from an open head that is red. This is strange and worries me.
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THE TOLL A TINY STORY by Hannah Kirchner
t A
nd then I heard the
their
boots move towards
reflect the brass buttons
the box and take
on the boots, to give the
leave toward the world to
house the sign. Then the
give space to the toll. Then
house delivers the box to
when the toll was tolled,
the tree that will give the
the box flew back, back,
box to me. To stop or start
for the boots to find again.
the toll.
So the small birds held
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spoons
high,
to
GUILTY A NEW DRAWING by Sam Trachtenberg
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The Code of Rabbits A COLLABORATION by Kendall Jones an d Hannah Kirchner
If you toss a glue stick while saying something of Barney, you shall be punished! The punishment of this act is a serious and fatal punishment! Another code is if you say peas instead of please, will also be punished in the way of the Bunnies.
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A FEATURE
by Dylan Ingham
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- D y l an In g h am
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LIZA OBEL-OMIA
Letters from Rich to Poor Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel
Dear Dale and Bob, I need to get a bigger hot tub, this one only fits five!!! You're my bodyguards. GET ME A HOT TUB! Oh, and also I need more nail polish, eye shadow, lip gloss/lip stick, etc., etc., etc. Oh, and don't make it blue*. Your pretty, smart, funny, nice boss,
Liza Swift *I hate blue!
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June 27th Dear Liza, I don't know if you remember, but dale and I are your bodyguards, not your personal shoppers. Ask someone else, like your maid. NOT US! We are just here to watch over you.
Dale and Bob – Fine.
- Dale and Bob
I will ask my maid.
Liza
June 28th Dear Clena Err, You have not been cleaning my bathrooms as well as you used to. I need an explanation. NOW! By the way, I need beauty supplies all in pink, got it??? Oh, and buy me a bigger hot tub that can be delivered by tomorrow! Toodles, Liza Swift
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June 28th Dear Mrs. Swift, Your stuff is on the kitchen table. Sorry about the bathrooms. Will try hard next time. Clena Err
June 29th Dear Liza, I must inform you that I have set up a little kind of nice thing for you to do. Well I will explain. I arranged for you to write some letters to a fan. A fan who has written a letter to you before. You will be pen pals for a month. At the end of that month you will meet each other. Here are your choices. (Dale, Bob, and I picked them.) Pick wisely. Your Manager, Sara Bodson 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Lisa Goodwill Ferral Rain Caroline Fay Emma Fine Nikki Rope
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SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION by Liza Obel-Omia an d Emma Germano
Invisible Coat: $1000.19
L.E. Glasses: $750.00 The L.E. Glasses look just like regular glasses. The only difference is that IT IS A PHONE! What I mean is you can turn your glasses on and play games, text, call, and
The Invisible Coat™ is a nice way to sneak around. It looks like a nice coat from the outside, but when you put it on it turns invisible! It comes in all colors and sizes! Oh, and here’s the best part: It is only $1000.19!!! So what are you waiting for? Colors: Turtle Green, Sun Yellow, Cutie Blue, Orange Orange, Egg Gold
Flying Car Bed: $1,000.00 The Flying Car Bed is a bed you can sleep on. It is also a car. When you push a button it turns into a car. You can ride around in your car bed. Then you can fly the bed/car over your stuff and into your bedroom.
take pictures. Just by touching the lens and scrolling across. Click on the apps and you can play all sorts of games!
Magic Pencil: $100.00 The Magic Pencil is a pencil that knows all the answers to almost any question a teacher, parent, and/or relative could ask. You just talk into the eraser and then wait for the answer.
Some Apps: Barrel Jump Ninja Kill Jumpity Jump Ballet School and many more!
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hen I was young, I used to look at the ocean water. How beautiful it looked. When a wave came I’d dance in the sand waiting for it to sparkle. But now, since the oil spill, I can’t see the wonderful sea. I smell the greasy air and tears come from my eyes. I see the poor otters with nothing to eat. From my sandwich, I take a piece of bread. Leaving it there. Hopefully they eat bread.
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TRUCK SPILLS 14 MILLION BEES ON IDAHO HIGHWAY IN THE NEW S by A melia P appas -Horii
NNNNN At 12:00 in the afternoon, a truck crashed into a tree. Fortunately, the truck didn't damage the tree, but the tree did damage the truck. The tree tore a big hole in the side of the truck. Suddenly you could hear on the highway a loud roaring noise, then out of the truck came a swarm of bees. After the bees came out, a big rush of honey drowned all of the cars in a sweet, overpowering smell of honey. Well, of course, the news came to the sheriff and the sheriff was furious. If you want to find out more, get the next issue of The Idaho Times.
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THE F UTURE IN THE NEW S by Stephanie W ang
You might be wondering what will happen in the future. Well if you are, you’re lucky to be reading this because at this minute I’ll be telling you. In the future, aliens will come to earth and say that broccoli was not meant to be eaten. And then everyone will pretend to throw up. After that, somebody will invent flying houses and people will end up flying all the way to Pluto and end up living there. Well, that’s all I know. And try not to eat broccoli any more. They’re supposed to be miniature trees.
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A FEATURE
by Dylan Ingham
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IN RANDOM ORDER Dylan Paul Ingham is elevenyears-old and believes in talking Meese (a fake plural word for "moose"). His favorite animals are fennec foxes, wombats, good tempered warthogs, porpoises, tigers, panda and desmans.
Kendall Jones, grade five, age 11, has brown hair that hangs down straight, and hazel eyes. Bubble letters are her favorite way to write, and she has a cat named Matilda, a Mom and a Dad, and a younger sister.
Evan Stabach is in 4th grade. He is adventurous and fast, and he likes skiing, swimming and stories.
Amelia Pappas-Horii is tenyears-old and enjoys many things, including eating, more eating, dancing, hanging out, and annoying her sister.
Jack Killilea is in 4th grade and wants to be a historian. His dad cuts his hair.
Liza Obel-Omia is a singer, a writer, a dancer, a reader, a swimmer, a happy-bringer and a rubber duck collector.
Emma Germano likes to write, likes to draw, and wants to be a teacher.
Sam Trachtenberg is fun. He likes video games, swimming and coins. He is in 5th grade and is ten-years-old. He would like to build a boat.
Eli Kelley is a 4th grader at Hampden Meadows. When he's not creating funny stories with Bri and the gang, he can be found playing guitar, drums and singing for his new band.
Jessica Wan loves to swim and play tennis with her Mom and Dad. Jessica also enjoys reading and writing. She is in 4th grade at Hampden Meadows.
Dr. Person Writing This / Kerry Eller is a student at Barrington Middle School. She has these wonderful things called parents. On the downside there are these atrocious things called siblings and unfortunately she has two of them.
Hannah Kirchner is in 6th grade. She likes ice cream and she babysits four times a week. Her ancestors are from Germany.
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ď€ Thank you for reading
Sheepish Duck!
How to reach us: sheepishduck@gmail.com 401-247-1920 x6 sheepishduck.tumblr.com twitter.com/sheepishduck Barrington Public Library 281 County Road Barrington, Rhode Island 02806
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