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Contents Fan Mail A Good Advice Column by Hannah Hicks-Santos A Fart Cloud Cartoon by Jack Killilea An Owl Story by Jack Killilea Evan‟s Houses by Evan Stabach A Test by Kendall Jones & Amelia Pappas-Horii A Dark Story by Jackson Obel-Omia A Vegetable Poem by Evan Shoaf A Poetic Lament by Hannah hicks-Santos A Short Story by Dylan Ingham Automatic Writing by Kendall Jones A News Update by The Media A Good Question by Kendall Jones A Measured Synopsis by Finlay Earsman An Anonymous Apology A 3-Panel Comic by Finlay Earsman An Anonymous Acrostic Poems Using Someone Else‟s 7 Words by Dylan Ingham, Bri Johnson, and Evan Stabach New Poems by Hannah Hicks-Santos & Kendall Jones Greeting Cards by a Random Hobo by Eli Kelley A Poem by Jack Killilea An Invitation by Jack Killilea A Poll by Emma Germano A Gossip Column by Emma Germano A Story by Dylan Ingham A List by Hannah Hicks-Santos A Visual Aid by Hannah Hicks-Santos A New Drawing by Hannah Hicks-Santos A Glimpse by Emma Germano An Attempted Essay by Emma Germano A Column on Gods by Jack Killiklea A Drawing by Hannah Hicks-Santos A Taco Comic by Jack Killilea 3

5 6-13 14 15 16 17-18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30-33 34-35 36 37 38 39 40 41-42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50-51


A 1-Paragraph Essay by Amelia Pappas-Horii A Philosophical Inquiry by Amelia Pappas-Horii A Helpful Column by Finlay Earsman A Comic by Finlay Earsman An Acrostic by Jackson Obel-Omia Special Intriguing Diary Section by Jack Killilea, Hannah Hicks-Santos, Liza Obel-Omia, Kendall Jones, & Evan Stabach A Possibility by Jack Killilea A Weather Report by Evan Stabach A Limited Time Offer by Evan Stabach A Poem by Hannah Hicks-Santos A Suggestion by Evan Stabach A Dark Thought by Kendall Jones From the Mind Of‌Kendall Jones Important Questions Answered by Kendall Jones A Test by Kendall Jones Light | Dark by Jack Killilea A Cartoon by Dylan Ingham Special Advertising Section by Emma Germano, Dylan Ingham, and Kendall Jones A Loose Criminal by Evan Stabach New Comics & A Drawing by Jack Killilea, Hannah Hicks-Santos, Evan Stabach, & Finlay Earsman A Serious Series by Hannah Hicks-Santos A Monthly Dating Advice Column by Dylan Ingham A Little Quiz by Hannah Hicks-Santos Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel by Liza ObelOmia, with help from Emma Germano Contributors

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52 53 54 55 56 57-68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75-77 78 79 80-81 82 83-86 87 88-91 92-94 95 96 97-104 106


DEAR SHEEPISH DUCK

281 COUNTY ROAD BARR INGTON, RI 02806

Write to us!

.

. .

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Dear Ms. Random Person A GOOD ADVICE COLUMN by Hannah Hicks-Santos

Hi! I am Ms. Random Person. I can tell you everything you need to know about life! Please send me questions A.S.A.P.!! I AM DESPERATE! Ms. Random Person Hey Everyone! It’s me! Ms. Random Person again! Don’t forget, I MIGHT HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO. Toodles! -Ms. Random Person Hel-LO Peep-le! Ms. Random Person again! Just so you know, I will only answer your questions if you enclose bacon in the envelope! -Ms. Random Person Dear Ms. Random Person, Help! My life is awful. I need help! If you didn’t hear me, I need help!! First, I have a pretty sister and cute brother. THIS IS AWFUL! I’m sure you’ll hear from me more.

-ME 6


Dear ME, I have something that can help you. First, steal your sister’s makeup and put it on. WITHOUT A MIRROR! Next, take your sister’s clothes and carve your name into them with scissors. And about your brother: LOCK HIM IN A TANNING BOOTH! -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, My sister doesn’t wear makeup.

-ME

Dear ME, Sorry. REPLACE HER SHAMPOO WITH UGLY, GREEN HAIR DYE! -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, Works for me. THANKS.

-ME 7


Dear Ms. Random Person, HELP MY MOM’S A JERK.

-ME

Dear ME,

RUN AWAY! -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person,

NO. -ME(I’M

MAD!!)

Dear ME, Sorry. How about you try giving her a poisonous snake? -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, OK. Now my lazy dad. HELP.

-ME

(Great advice!)

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Dear ME, Have a goose chase him around the house. That got my grandma off her butt and she’s 94! -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, Always great advice. How about my drooly dog.

ME

Dear ME, Give him to one of your friends. How about me? -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, I’ll consider it, but my parents will find out and I’ll get in trouble.

-ME

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Dear ME, Is your name really ME? -Ms. Random Person

Ms. Random Person, Why should you know? And answer my question. NOW.

-ME P.S. I didn’t even write DEAR I’m so mad. You just did.

Dear ME, Sorry. Anyway, say he ran away. Or died. -Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, OK. Now my fish. They have nothing wrong with them.

-ME 10


Dear ME, Put bleach in their fish tank. They will (hopefully) die. -Ms. Random Person P.S. I’m getting tons of bacon from you! Thank you!

Dear Ms. Random Person,

I DON’T WANT TO KILL MY FISH!

-ME Dear ME, Sorry. But if there is nothing wrong with them, why are you complaining? Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, Because everyone in my house has something wrong with them.

-ME

P.S. Great advice!

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Dear ME, I am not going to help you anymore. You don’t make sense anymore. Goodbye. Ms. Random Person Dear ME,

GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST! Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person,

NO!I

have nothing

wrong with me. My family has things wrong with them. NO MORE bacon for you.

-ME

P.S. I don’t want to see a word written by you again. Goodbye forever.

Dear ME, Sorry, You did not enclose bacon in the envelope. Goodbye. Mr. Random Person 12


Dear Mr. Random Person, I thought you were a girl? And what did I say? I don’t want to see a word written by YOU again.

-ME Hey Everybody! Just so you know, I am DONE with the ridiculous antics of ME! Anyone else need any advice? Please? Anyone but ME. Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, I need some advice. My transmission is running smoothly. HELP!

-1 Mola Lola

Dear 1 Mola Lola, Firstly, 1 Mola? EWWWW! Second, when I said anything, I meant to say anything that is not about how to fix a car. I have no idea how to help you. Sorry. GOODBYE! Ms. Random Person 13


Here A FART CLOUD CARTOON by Jack Killilea

robber Video game

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they do not weep AN OWL STORY by Jack Killilea

The owlâ€&#x;s massive wings shine in the moonlight as he dives down into a deep snow. The mice cower in their holes. Chipmunks and rabbits scurry away. The predator of the night is King of all. From his tower he hears a squeak! He dives down to the snow to catch his prey. He kills them quick so they do not weep. He goes back up with his prize to the monsterâ€&#x;s den, where no live mouse has laid his eyes.

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Evan’s houses REAL ESTATES by Evan Stabach

Grassy manor Inside:2 bathrooms ,1 living room, 3 bedrooms,1dining room,1kitchen,1 basement Outside:1 pond, grassy hills Deluxe: grassy roof

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DO YOU EAT DEMOCRATIC TURKEYS? A TEST by Amelia & Kendall

1. Does your turkey tend to always come out raw (especially when your mom cooks it)? Yes

No

2. Do you always go to some supermarket to get your turkey (when I say this I mean the supermarket brand)? Yes

No

3. Do a lot of relatives always come to your house for Thanksgiving? When they come, do they like it? Yes

No

4. Do you and your relativeâ€&#x;s children not eat dinner, but eat a lot of dessert? (If your relatives donâ€&#x;t have children do they do this)? Yes

No

5. After your relatives eat the turkey do they seem all wacked? Yes

No 17


ANSWER KEY 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

No No Yes No No

If you got 5 correct answers: Congrats! You eat democratic turkeys! If you got 3 or 4 correct answers: Relax, the not democratic turkey will soon be out of your system in 50 years! If you need help to face this horrible fact, get help from Kendall. Hopefully you wonâ€&#x;t come out worse. If you got 0-2 correct answers: Stop eating non-democratic turkeys! You are ruining your life! Call The Doctor!!!!!!!!

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A DARK STORY by Jackson Obel-Omia

esterday I had the worst day of my life. First, I went to school (which was the best part of my day). Then I went home. After a few minutes, I went to the Orthodontist, where they messed with my braces. Then I got a haircut, which got me itchy, and they found a tick under my ear. It was in for five days. When I went to the doctor, I found out it was the kind that carried Lyme disease. They got it out. Then I got a flu shot. Then I vomited from the antibiotics. That was my worst day.

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A VEGETABLE POEM by Evan Shoaf

Green and putrid, I lay by myself Alone; abandoned Unaccepted. My only wish: To disappear! To be swallowed whole! To vanish. . . Oh! Cruel irony I cannot disappear For I am too gross No one will even touch me.

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Evil Grandma’s Funeral A POETIC LAMENT by Hannah Hicks-Santos

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obody showed up for Evil Grandma‟s Funeral. They were too busy destroying her house and throwing eggs and toilet paper at the remains of her old house.

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In a happy unicorn teddy bear kiss land A SHORT STORY by Dylan Ingham

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nce Upon a time, in a happy unicorn teddy bear kiss land, there was a total apocalypse and billions of infant souls perished in agony. Then a zucchini came from space and squirted ketchup bombs encased in underwear and blood, while slicing the last survivorâ€&#x;s limbs off slowly and painfully. As the devil of sorrow descended on the barren, deserted land (sorry, almost deserted), an eyeball on planet Planet ate mustard.

To be continued‌ 22


AUTOMATIC WRITING by Kendall Jones

The pit of despair with fluffy golden squirrels had taken Santa, who is now severely wounded. I like dark things. The other pit. The pit of excruciating you with evil psychotic demons has taken Snakey, who is extremely well and at RI Hospital under 24/7 guard. I hate artificial things. „cept for Snakey.

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DEATH FROGS A NEWS UPDATE by The Media

Death Frogs Do not be fooled by their cuteness. These frogs are evil and out to get you. They want to rule the world. It would not be so bad if they had no HATRED TOWARD CHOCOLATE PUDDING!! WHICH, by the way, they are planning to WIPE OFF ALL THE PUDDING FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! Lock your doors + windows. Eat Tacos for breakfast, wear slippers to the mall, and eat donuts. These are some safety tips from the W.R.F.U.S. Please obey. 24


MATH & LOGIC A GOOD QUESTION by Kendall Jones

HOW MANY BLOOD STAINS SHOULD BE IN THE AVERAGE MASTER BEDROOM?

ANSWER: 37 I shall show you THE MATH and THE LOGIC behind this:

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VEGGIES OF DOOM A MEASURED SYNOPSIS by Finlay Earsman

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I AM SO, SO SORRY I STOLE YOUR DOG AN ANONYMOUS APOLOGY

Dear Rick, I am so, so sorry I stole your dog. I don‟t know what came over me. I buried his brain and all his organs with his collar in your dead lizard‟s tank. (I buried your lizard, too. And your cat.) I regret what I did. But on their gravestone I at least wrote R.I.P. (Not really. I wrote PLEASE BOTHER US AND TAMPER WITH OUR CORPSES.) Signed, The one who killed your dog

P.S. I am not really sorry. I ate your dog, lizard, and cat. Mwaaaa Haaaa Haaa Ha!! 27


dead dynamite A 3-PANEL COMIC by Finlay Earsman

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NECAP AN ACROSTIC by Anonymous

Never Educating Kids At Palmer River School

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next: POEMS USING SOMEONE ELSE‟S 7 WORDS 30


1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

random bling of baby chicken on mars

After a random day, a bling of night brought demons of wars. A baby cries. a chicken dies, and on Jupiter they th ink of

MARS.

by Dylan Ingham

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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

pie soccer Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious hippo nerd just pop

There was a celebration. The town hippo brought a pie. The nerds spelled Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. The people played soccer. The mayor made a short toast: “Just Pop,� he said. And the party ended.

by Bri

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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

trash Alcatraz fermented alcohol loop sick Lucky Charms

Crazy Tons of trash. In Alcatraz, a guy Named Fermented Wearing sick loop Lucky Charms.

by Evan Stabach

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Marriage is a Bungee Jump! A POEM by Hannah Hicks-Santos

Today I got married. She wants me to bungee jump, Even though I am afraid of heights. But I canâ€&#x;t say so, Because Daisy is crazy and insane. Beyond your biggest frights.

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A POEM by Kendall Jones

In November it rains the blood of turkeys. November rain is often used in “cranberry� sauce. It gives it its reddish color .

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GREETING CARDS BY A RANDOM HOBO by Eli Kelley

There are leprechauns in your toilet. Life is unfair. ~Happy Birthday!~

Your next door neighbor just died. Your friend just got decapitated. ~Happy Funeral~

Your lifelines are perpendicular. You are a widow. ~Happy Graduation!~

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November Rain A POEM by Jack Killilea

November Rain is lighter than the rain on Venus, but heavier than almost all Taylor Swift songs.

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EVITE (IT SOUNDS TECHNO! ENTER LADY GAGA!!!) AN INVITATION by Jack Killilea

PEEPS

I’m Rick Perry And you’re invited to my Anti-hipster protest/egging/party

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Does Santa Exist? A POLL

by Emma Germano

The Results: Yes & No

YES: I believe in Santa because he writes me letters. No: Because me and my friend compared cards from Santa and they were different.

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Latest Gossip (Many Aren’t True) A GOSSIP COLUMN by Emma Germano

I heard Selena and Justin Bieber are breaking up. Jessie doesn‟t have a cell phone. Lunch is better in high school. Barney broke out of prison. Elmo is dating Deme Lovoto. Someone had a gas leak in their house and it blew up and went flying and landed in Taylor Swift‟s designer bathroom. (Cost:= $1,000,000,000,000) Did you hear Humpty Dumpty‟s girlfriend hates eggs? Katy Perry and Rebecca Black are becoming BFFs.

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DYLAN INGHAM

The Tale of Little Red Riding Hood A Story

Part One: The Encounter

You see, Little Red‟s dad had died and her mom had mysteriously disappeared years ago. Little Red was taken in and raised after the tragedy by her grandma. Because of Little Red‟s love for Grandma, Little Red had become very worried when she found out about grandma‟s sickness. Luckily, Red (I‟m going to start calling Little Red Red just to save time and space) found a cheap baker that made her some „‟magical sweets that would supposedly heal Grandma. Then, Red started skipping home happily and caught up to the story.

A

long time ago in a galaxy far, far awa-woops wrong story. This story takes place not so long ago and not so far away. This story takes place in a valley called Utterlion... Little Red was having an absolutely spectacularly wonderifically awesomely great day. Grandma was ill in bed and Little Red was going to her house to bring her cookies, doughnuts, and other extremely fattening foods that will probably be more deadly than the sickness Grandma had. 41


As Red skipped along, she heard something peculiar. It sounded like a hippo with indigestion. Turns out, it was a hippo with indigestion. Deadly indigestion. Red saw the hippo fall over in pain. It was breathing heavily and turning blue. Red walked off the path and went up to the hippo to try to help him. “What‟s wrong, hippo?” Red asked in her soft, sweet voice. “I am dying of indigestion and need you to listen to me.” The poor hippo crackled. “If you see anybody tied up to a tree crying for help and even if they look like somebody you know, don‟t help them or you will be CURSED!!!” Although Red was clever and smart, she was a bit gullible, so when she saw how sincere the hippo was about the curse, she suddenly believed him and told the hippo that she wouldn‟t do anything if she saw someone tied to a tree. “Thank you” was all the hippo managed to say before he dropped dead. Now, that was very frightening for Red, but she knew that she needed to deliver the sweet sweets to grandma, so Red pried her eyes away from the

gruesome sight and went on her way. What she did not see was that the hippo slowly changed into Japanese Warthogs, some of the dreaded wolf‟s minions. What she did not see was Wolf evilly cackling behind a tree. What she did not see was that Wolf‟s plan was falling into place. ____________________

Part Two: The Plan

N

ow, let me explain Wolf. Wolf is a twisted, evil, ugly, idiotic @$^*&%# fiend. I know how many villains have dramatic heartbreaking backgrounds on how and why they became evil, but Wolf was just born bad, literally. When he was born, he sliced the way out of his mother‟s womb with his unusually sharp claws, and then punched the lights out of his dad before running into the woods to create his slave army and plan his next evil move. His latest plan was to get into Grandma‟s bed and eat her, then dress up like Grandma and when Red came to Grandma‟s house, eat Red too. His plan would have worked out perfectly if Grandma hadn‟t been taking a walk… 42 To be continued…


WHAT NOT TO GET YOUR KID FOR CHRISTMAS

A LIST by Hannah Hicks-Santos

A Bear Dangerous Stuff Permanent Glue Pants (kids hate pants) Underwear Knives Toilet paper Math Coal Someone who freezes people Heads Dead bodies

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Differences Between Brain Juice and Blood A VISUAL AID by Hannah Hicks-Santos

This is BLOOD

BLOOD is red.

This is BRAIN JUICE.

BRAIN JUICE is clear.

(That’s it.)

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HERE IS A DEAD RABBIT A NEW DRAWING by Hannah Hicks-Santos

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Anna’s Math Test A GLIMPSE by Emma Germano

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I am really

AN ATTEMPTED ESSAY by Emma Germano

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TATA: God of Manga

A COLUMN ON GODS by Jack Killilea

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Evil Mermaid A DRAWING by Hannah Hicks-Santos

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The Talking Taco A TACO COMIC by Jack Killilea

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The Talking Taco and the Swearing Fire

The Talking Taco and the Reckless Bear

The Talking Taco Goes to the Grocery Store

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what happened to the word quiet? A 1-PARAGRAPH ESSAY by Amelia Pappas -Horii

E

veryone used to adore the word quiet, but now everyone ignores it. That‟s infuriating. How could they do this? This all happened because people NEVER SHUT UP!! This is an insult—a scandal to the word quiet! Nowadays, only a few people respect the word quiet and the only thing they say is “PEOPLE NEVER SHUT UP!” What a stupid thing to say (and boring and annoying, and etc.).

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Waiting Room A PHILOSOPHICAL INQU IRY by Amelia Pappas -Horii

I

‟m waiting in a waiting room where I‟m waiting to wait somewhere. Somewhere is not nowhere, it‟s somewhere. Nowhere is not nothing, it‟s something, but something may be nothing. Nothing may be something, or it may be an OLD SHOE! An old shoe is something, but it could be nothing because nothing is something. A thing is nothing, but it could be something, or a banana! A “banana!” is nothing, or something, or a strand of hair! [scary music] A strand of hair is a strand of hair, or NOTHING because nothing is something (or a thing).

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The Germs

A HELPFUL COLUMN by Finlay Earsman

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Bouncy Ball and Hand A COMIC by Finlay Earsman

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Sheepish Duck AN ACROSTIC

by Jackson Obel-Omia

Surprising Have Fun Exciting Extra Entertaining Powerful Incredible Squirrels Have fun (again) Destiny of You Undercover Crazy KraZY

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Special intriguing

DiARY section 57


I’M FROM TEXAS, I’M FROM TEXAS RICK PERRY‟S DIARY by Jack Killilea Monday I think I’ll dress up like a fancy lady and try to catch Herman Cain committing a crime.

Tuesday Oh no. People on twitter found out I paid off Frank Caprio to tell Obama to shove it.

Wednesday Time to execute #5048. I think I’ll get an Egg McMuffin for breakfast.

Thursday Went to McDonald’s. Probably going to sue. Egg McMuffin tasted bad. People laughed at my eye shadow. I can’t get it off.

Friday Was abducted by aliens! Scariest thing ever.

Saturday Birthday! So excited. George Bush and Dick Cheney are coming. Laser tag is so much fun!!!

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Elf’s Diary by Hannah Hicks-Santos

Dear Diary, Today I was trying to make myself a Furry Friend™ when Santa walked in! He knows I HATE unexpected guests! I mean, I wasn’t even wearing any clothes! Not even UNDERWEAR! I was afraid he was going to fire me, but then I remembered—today was my meeting with him! We were going to talk about how fast I could make toys! I totally forgot! It was, in a word, TERRIBLE!

~Elf

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Santa’s Diary by Liza Obel-Omia

Dear Diary, OMG. I got such cool glasses. Yeah! Anyway, I saw a kid picking his nose on my I -See-You-WhenYou’re-Sleeping-I-Know-

Kid with problems

When-You’re-AwakeMachine™. It was horrible!! I also saw a

woman that could be Mrs. Claus. She had wavy brown hair and perfect eyes. Oh mama. She was perfect!! Wonder if she likes red and cold weather. Well, I got to go check the ISYWYSIKWYA Machuine™. gtg. - Santa Claus

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Dear Diary, Today I found out my top elf, Carson, was stealing toys!! I am so, so, so proud!! I would never have gotten away with that!! SO, SO, SO PROUD. I bet you’re still wondering about the maybe-probably not Mrs. Claus. I bet you’re also wondering how old I am and stuff. Well, here you go. I asked the Mrs. Claus whatever if she wanted to “hang.” She said she doesn’t “hang” out with guys who dress like Santa in the middle of September! RUDE!! I guess there are other icicles in the pole. Oh, I should tell you how old I am now. I’m 200. I need a son though, so when I die around the age of 450 he can take my place. Maybe I’ll sweeten up Mrs. Claus-to-be… Well, got to go (gtg).

61

- Santa


Dear Diary, I got a letter today saying I need to find the next Santa. Since nothing’s moving with that lady. I need to find another woman of a friend I have known for at least two years, which is hard, since I ha rdly knew anyone growing up, a nd if I did they are probably all dead now!! I do know one guy who was about one-year-old when I was 150. He is pretty nice, and I met him every few years. I think he is…51 now! That will work! I’ll check on him tomorrow. Oh, one more thing about a woman. I saw another good looking one today!! Yeah! Yay! gtg. - Santa Claus

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Dear Diary, I met up with my old friend, Bob. He is nice enough, but he is a bit of a couch potato. He gave me his schedule: Wake up, eat bacon, brush teeth, quick shower, watch games while snacking, eat dinner, have dessert, go to night shift at CVS, come home, br ush teeth, and go to bed. It is a pretty bad life, so I am pretty sure he wants to be Santa. He’s got the fat body and beard down. If all fails, though, he has a neighbor. He likes her, but hey—I’m Santa! I asked him the question and he said he’d answer ri ght after he asks Margaret on a date. I flew back on my snow-powered sleigh and I am waiting for an answer. Come on BOB!!! Bye! - Santa Claus

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Dear Diary, Stupid love!! Margaret went out with Bob and it was perfect!! Everything is ruined. Margaret even h ugged him! Twice! They have another date on Friday. Ugh!!! Then I had a great idea. A superstar!! A star!! I picked Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Taylor is super pretty. I think I will pick her! Yay! Yay!! Yeah! Yeah! I texted her, and waited for a reply. I got one, after three hours. It said, “umm who is this. SantaRules? What kind of name is that and how do u know my #??? PDKIT (Please Don’t Keep In Touch!!) realtaylorgirls.” What’s with her? I don’t know at all. Guess I should just stick with normal wo men.

- Santa Claus

64


Dear Diary, Looked at some more women and their hobbies. The one I saw a couple of days ago has a husband! I could only find a few college girls, though. I should just put this aside!! I know one more guy. I could try him. I will tomorrow! MEN, here I come!! - Santa Claus

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DAYS IN THE (SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING) LIFE OF A FAT MOLECULE by Kendall Jones

Warning: This may psychologically scar you.

I

My former steak on the green house.

am a Fat Molecule. Everyone hates me. I will live a long life because of this. It also makes me sad. I want to be liked as something other than a Fat Molecule. Like a pie. I hate my little Fat-y body. No hands, or legs. Just sneakers where my feet would be. I will never achieve my dream of being a Persian Cat. Because I was born a Fat. Nov. 15 2011 Journal, Today I was nearly eaten. As you know, I have found a home on a piece of green steak. A hobo tried to eat my green host steak. I was deeply offended. A hobo! I had to jump off my new house and into the mass of filth in the dumpster and forage for food to cling to. I finally found a home on a rotten cracker in hobo manâ€&#x;s jacket. Goodbye.

66


A day in the life of an average boy on christmas™ AN INTERVIEW by Evan Stabach

First I wake up @ 6:01. Then I wait 1 and ½ hours until my family wakes up. Then I play with my presents until dinner.

THANK YOU BEN, FOR LETTING US INTERVIEW YOU!

67


Daydreamer #1 AN INVENTOR‟S JOURNAL by Liza Obel-Omia

Dear Inventor Journal, I came up with something awesome. The Warm Shower™. OK, OK The Warm Shower™ is awe some because it does all kinds of things! First, you don’t have to reach back and change the temperature, just say stuff like “Turn on” and “Little hotter” and “Too hot! Too hot!” and stuff like that. Also, it has a built-in phone, a mirror that never gets misty, and a soap bar disperser.

68


THE SECRET OF LIFE A POSSIBILITY by Jack Killilea

@@@@@@@ + =

nuclear war

69


DAILY NORTH POLE NPC NEWS WITH SNIKER DOODLE A WEATHER REPORT by Evan Stabach

Mon.

Tue.

Wed.

Blizzards

Blizzards

Blizzards

Thurs.

Fri.

Blizzards

Blizzards

70


FREE MANSION A LIMITED TIME OFFER by Evan Stabach

HEY, all you people! This is a limited time offer only. A FREE MANSION Just call: 911-e You will die in this house. 71


turkey A POEM by Hannah Hicks-Santos

I am a turkey. A turkey I am. Someone just stole my leg. Another just stole my wing. Now I am gone, and all that is left is my bones and my head, who knows where.

72


ONE WAY TO ANNOY A SIBLING A SUGGESTION by Evan Stabach

Go to youtube and type in: 1 hour annoying music

73


EXECUTIONS A DARK THOUGHT by Kendall Jones

Way no. 1: The guillotine Way no. 2: The axe Way no. 3: The old serial killer

74


Really, really, really, really, really, really FROM THE MIND OF KENDALL JONES by Kendall Jones

Ugh. Cafeteria fish sticks again. Why can’t they just order Takeout Food every day? NOTE TO SCHOOL CAFETERIA: THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. PLEASE CONSIDER. Why? I doubt the custodian wants to clean up Kid barf every day, for a least one time a lunch period. So, let’s order out! Like Golden House, or Hong Meas, Pie Zoni’s, or Papa Gino’s

Vampires should not be treated like beasts of a different species, they are only undead people with a condition that makes him/her drink the blood of the living and use it for personal gain. Hm. Kind of like goats, which are evil. Don’t argue with me. Male Vampires often have Mustaches, which are gooooood. 75


Muffins are only cupcakes that won’t tell us what they truly are. Cry of Utter Panic “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It is upon us!!!!! It is upon us!!!!! Get the children!!! THE CHILDREN!!!” Pies are really slabs of beef that also (like the muffin) won’t admit what they want to be. If we all sat down and had a peaceful discussion, would it solve all our problems????? __yes __no Correct answer: NO! Carnivorous mammals often murder innocent pandas for no better reason than to revenge on cows for taking the secret of fire and giving it to goats, which are evil. (I AM A CARNIVOROUS MAMMAL. HOPE YOU ARE NOT A PANDA) Really, really, really, really, really, really. I mean it when I say goats are evil. The men with mustaches and wool suits fight the sinister goats by fire and dehydration of Gatorade. The goats’ only weapon against them: solid gold pickles shot from potato cannons. These are hard to come by naturally and they hurt. The evilest goat couple is Mr. and Dr. Lady von Snitzerberg, they go by Mr. and Dr. Bob the evil goats. Evil goats always work in pairs. It’s a goat thing.

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A Turkey’s Nightmare *Snore, snore, snore* ~Thanksgiving table setting~ The turkey “Wakes up” on the table. The drumstick was missing, the turkey realized. He woke up in his dream, except it wasn’t.

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DEAR IMPORTANTAFIER-PERSON IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ANSWERED by Kendall Jones

Dear Importantafier-Person, Are Colorful Popsicle Sticks Important to Society? I do not believe so. Sincerely,

I Work In a Popsicle Stick Factory and I Hate It

Dear I Work In a Popsicle Stick Factory and I Hate It, Yes, Colorful Popsicle Sticks are important to society because without them, The Cup would be empty and all the other Important Stuff and Stuff would fight over the extra space and in the riot they would destroy the Paper Towel Dispenser Over The Sink, who kept order until now. Then, without The Towel Dispenser Over The Sink to keep order, the riot would get out of control, and the rioters would kill the Soap Dispenser, son of the Paper Towel Dispenser Over The Sink. The Soap Dispenser’s dying scream would cause the Yellowstone Caldera to explode and destroy Earth, and that will destroy remaining planets in order. Then the Galaxy would blow up, causing a chain reaction, the destruction ending when the hellfire and brimstone reached Heaven, sending Perfection spiraling into a better Downstairs, and since Downstairs is already unperfect, it would do nothing. The universe would then be destroyed. If you abolish Colored Popsicle Sticks, then you might as well rob a bank and buy the wood Escalade that runs on aerosol hair spray. DO NOT BAN THE POPSICLE STICKS!!!!!!!!!! They hold the world together. Sincerely,

Importantafier-Person

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TEST TODAY!!! 95% of YOUR GRADE Depends on THIS!!!

A TEST by Kendall Jones

What is the best way to murder a cow? ______________________________________ ______________________________________

How do you dump bodies in a landfill efficiently? a.)

You DONâ€&#x;T

b.)

OMG STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!

c.)

You wing it

ESSAY QUESTION: Never eat blue bloody jelly beans? Why?

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by Jack Killilea


A CARTOON by Dylan Ingham

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 SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION

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What’s Writer’s Block? AN ADVERTISEMENT by Emma German o

Every writer has a block to help them think. So, if you are a writer and you don’t have one you can buy it at The Writer’s Nook in California. A Writer’s Block is $100,000. It comes in many colors, such as blueberry red, strawberry blue, and much more.

CUSTOMER REVIEWS: Writer’s Block

I am a writer from San Francisco, and when I heard about Writer’s Block I went out and bought it. It was the worst decision of my life!!!!!!!! It did nothing!!!!!! Do not waste the $$$$$!!!

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by Kendall Jones

CUSTOMER REVIEWS RatesStuff: I bought 5 puffed penguins and they all ripped up like that! They stink! DO NOT BUY!!  86


Caution: New Criminal Mastermind

on the Loose!

by Evan Stabach

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HEY, Let’s Fight

A COMIC by Jack Killilea

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HOW’D THAT HAPPEN? A COMIC by Hannah Hicks-Santos

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THE PLATYPUS OF BONES A DRAWING by Evan Stabach

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Either/Or A COMIC by Finlay Earsman

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bad baby A SERIOUS SERIES by Hannah Hicks-Santos

O

ne day, a Bad Baby was born. When she was born, she punched the doctor, her dad, her sister, and her mom. She knocked everyone out. Now sheâ€&#x;s four -years-old, and she can beat up a fifth grader. This is her birth certificate:

First Name: Bad Baby Last Name: Goodhood Mother: Lulu Thathat Father: Gordon Goodhood

She is trying to strangle me. 92


bad baby: I am going to burn down the forest.

TOO BAD STUPID ANIMALS! 93


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Dylan’s Dating Advice A MONTHLY DATING ADVICE COLUMN by Dylan Ingham

Dear Dylan,

Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend,

I need help. I want a good boyfriend. A great boyfriend. I NEED ONE!!! Help help help. - Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH P.S. You single?

Sorry, but I’m going to HOW-TODITCH-ANNOYING-GIRLS-THAT-ASKTOO-MANY-DATING-QUESTIONS Camp on Friday, but I’m free Thursday. ~ Dylan P.S. Just kidding. P.P.S. Did the advice work?

Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend, If you are under 16, you don’t need a boyfriend, but if you’re older than that, find someone you really like and make out with them for 5.7 seconds.

Dear Dylan, It DID. I got a boyfriend named Bodson. Oh oh oh!. - Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH

~ Dylan P.S. Maybe I’m single. Dear Dylan,

Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend,

Um. Um. You free Friday? - Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH

Congratulations. ~ Dylan 95


ARE YOU DEAD? A LITTLE QUIZ by Hannah Hicks-Santos

If you answer yes for two or more questions, you are dead. Find out with this quiz!

1. Do you walk very slowly? Yes

No

2. Do your arms and legs fall off often? Yes

No

3. Do you groan a lot? Yes

No

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LIZA OBEL-OMIA

Letters from Rich to Poor Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel, Part 2 With help from Emma Germano

June 29th

Dear Sara, Why???!!!!???!!! I guess I pick Nikki Rope, or whatever.

- Liza Swift

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JUNE 29th Liza— Good. You will start tomorrow. I will tell her the good news.

- Sara

June 29th Dear Nikki, Hi. I’m Sara Bodson. If you don’t already know, I am Liza Swift’s manager. You have been chosen to be Pen Pals with Liza. You will write to each other for a month. Here is the best part, though. At the end of the month you get to meet her. Liza is so excited! The letters will start tomorrow. Have a great day.

-Sara Bodson

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July 5th

Dear Nikki,

Um, hi. It’s so nice to write

to you. It’s nice that I have

someone to…um….write to. Anyway,

what’s your life like. Do you have a nice house? Do you like skirts or

shorts in the summer? What’s your life like? Yeah.

Um…bye,

Liza Swift 

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July 3rd Dear Liza, YES YES YES!!!!! I can’t believe this is happening. OH OH OH!!! Well, um, sorry, let me control myself. Well, hi. I’m Nikki. Well, I read your letter and I have some answers. I live in kind of a shack. Um, I only have a long shirt+skirt (for winter) and another skirt (for summer). My life is okay, though. I am homeschooled by my mom (my dad is away in the army). I mostly have pasta and home grown fruits and vegetables for dinner, which I love, so I guess life is okay. - Nikki Rope My clothes

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July 5th

Dear Nikki,

So you’re poor!!!! OMG OMG

Oh My God. I mean, I thought I

was writing to a…a…a…normal person!!!! Well, I guess I should put that behind my back.

Well, so you like to draw. Then

draw a picture of me. I want to see how good you are at drawing people.

Very important people like ME! Send it in your next letter. Maybe even a picture of you and your bedroom.

Liza Swift 

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July 7th Dear Liza, Here’s the pictures you wanted to see. Sorry that I’m poor. Nikki Rope

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July 9th

Dear Nikki,

You are O.K. at drawing. I am

so good at it! I will draw a little picture for you.

P.S. You should take art lessons!

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July 10th

Dear Nikki,

I’m waiting for a letter from

you! I mean, what do you do all day,

watch your maid? It’s not like you do chores all day!

Anyway, what do you do for

fun? Since you’re poor. Tell me in your next letter.

Liza Swift  P.S. I want your next letter soon!

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BYE FOREVER

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CONTRIBUTORS IN RANDOM ORDER

Dylan Paul Ingham is 11years-old and believes in talking Meese (a fake plural word for "moose"). His favorite animals are fennec foxes, wombats, good tempered wart-hogs, porpoises, tigers, panda and desmans.

Jackson Obel-Omia likes to read and write. He plays basketball and baseball. He also runs cross country. He is 12 years old. Kendall Jones, Grade 5, age 11, has brown hair that hangs down straight, and hazel eyes. Bubble letters are her favorite way to write, and she has a cat named Matilda, a mom and a dad, and a younger sister.

Liza Obel-Omia is a singer, a writer, a dancer, a reader, a swimmer, a happy-bringer and a rubber duck collector. Evan Stabach is in 5th grade. He is adventurous and fast, and he likes skiing, swimming and stories.

Amelia Pappas-Horii is 10years-old and enjoys many things, including eating, more eating, dancing, hanging out, and annoying her sister.

Jack Killilea is in 5th grade and wants to be a historian. His dad cuts his hair.

Finlay Earsman is a 5th grader and lives in a family of four. He can be funny and weird.

Emma Germano likes to write, likes to draw, and wants to be a teacher.

Hannah Hicks-Santos is rumored to love bacon and trips to the beach. She is tenyears-old and can of-ten be found—anywhere! When you find her, she may be drawing, writing or singing. Do not be surprised.

Eli Kelley is a 4th grader at Hampden Meadows. When he's not creating funny stories with Bri and the gang, he can be found playing guitar, drums and singing for his new band. 106


Thank you for reading

Sheepish Duck!

How to reach us: sheepishduck@gmail.com 401-247-1920 x6 sheepishduck.tumblr.com twitter.com/sheepishduck Barrington Public Library 281 County Road Barrington, Rhode Island 02806

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Sheepish Duck #6: The Dark Issue