Advice & PuzzLes
Page C4 • Thursday, January 17, 2013
Daily Chronicle / Daily-Chronicle.com
Grouchy grandma left out of family events
dear Abby: My grandmother is 75 years old and, unfortunately, very unpleasant to be around. She has made many hurtful remarks in the past, which have led some family members to shut her out of their lives. I live in another state and don’t see my grandmother very often. I call her once or twice a month. When I do, she’s nothing but pleasant with me, but she’s often angry and tearful about other members of the family. She feels her children and grandchildren should respect her as the matriarch of the family and include her in all family get-togethers. (My family tells me they have stopped inviting her to many functions because she’s such a troublemaker.)
deAR ABBY Jeanne Phillips I’m concerned about my grandmother and am beginning to think that my parents and siblings should overlook her unpleasant behavior and occasional snide remarks. At the very least they should include her in important family functions. I’d be interested in your opinion, so I can share it with my family. – Troubled in Minnesota dear Troubled: Your grandmother appears to be reaping what she has sown. Verbal abuse often leaves scars on those at whom it is aimed, and no one can be blamed for wanting distance from a
person who is deliberately hurtful. Respect is something that has to be earned. Your parents and siblings “respect” your grandmother from a distance because they have learned it’s the only safe way to do so. Does this mean she should automatically be excluded from all family get-togethers? No. However, before she’s invited to an important event, she should give assurances that she’ll watch her mouth and be on her best behavior. Or else. If this seems heavy-handed, so be it. It’s no crime to protect oneself from someone else’s mean-spiritedness. dear Abby: Please allow me to share a dating technique with your readers that has
saved me a lot of relationship headaches. I call it “the 90day rule.” Whenever I start dating someone, I try to see them at least once a week for 90 days. That way, if there are any character flaws, I find out within the first 90 days. Among the flaws I’ve discovered: drug dealing and addiction, alcoholism, driving without a valid license and with illegal license tags, and lying about their occupation. The idea is to avoid sexual intimacy during those first 90 days to keep your head clear. If you are intimate too soon, you’ll find yourself making excuses for your partner. This technique has never failed me – unless I made an exception. May I suggest your read-
ers try this 90-day rule? If they do, I promise they won’t be disappointed because it takes TIME to get to know someone. Before you can love someone, you must learn who that person really is. – Clearheaded in Clearwater, Fla. dear clearheaded: Your 90-day rule makes a lot of sense. I have heard from many readers who went too far too fast because they felt they had made an instant emotional connection. I warn them that physical attraction should not be confused with love because what they’re really describing is infatuation.
• Write Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Follow these tips to avoid toddler tantrums
dear dr. K: My toddler has frequent temper tantrums, and it’s impossible to calm him down once he gets going. I’d rather learn ways to head off his tantrums in the first place. dear Reader: Though it may be hard to believe, tantrums can actually serve a purpose. My pediatrician colleagues here at Harvard Medical School tell me that tantrums are your child’s way of letting you know that you’re not meeting his basic needs for sleep, food, reassurance, independence, calm and safety. Provide these things, and he’s less likely to fall on the floor wailing. Here are some tips our pediatricians say should help:
deprived, don’t expect me to behave perfectly, either!) • Avoid overstimulation. Whether it’s a visit with relatives, a birthday party or another event, a young child can • Avoid hunger pangs. Low process only so much exciteblood sugar can make kids ment. The initial laughter and cranky. Bring healthy snacks enthusiasm can quickly give with you to avoid a meltdown. way to tears and aggressive Good options include raisins, behavior. If you see signs that cheese and apple slices – your child is beginning to get presuming your child is old overexcited – such as hyperacenough for such solids. tivity and silliness – remove • Make sure your child is him from the setting for a few well-rested. Most children minutes to calm him down. need 10 to 12 hours of sleep at • Keep your child active. night. Don’t bring a sleepEnergetic children may need deprived 2-year-old to the physical outlets to help avoid grocery store and then expect emotional meltdowns. If you him to behave perfectly. (In have a high-energy child, be fact, if you see me at the grosure he or she gets plenty of cery store and I’ve been sleep- active time.
AsK dR. K Anthony L. Komaroff
• Be consistent and have a schedule. Children love predictability – even predictably bad news like it’s time to go to bed. • Be in control. You are in charge, not your 2-year-old. But if he’s craving independence, give him a sense of control by offering some limited choices. For example, if he’s refusing to eat vegetables, give him a choice between broccoli and green beans. Little doses of power like that will fulfill his need for independence without turning him into a tyrant or teaching him that his opinion doesn’t matter. • Give reassurance, attention and love. If the only way to get your attention is
by wailing, your child will quickly learn that trick. Don’t misunderstand: I’m not advising that you ignore your crying child. Rather, at every opportunity, show the child your attention and love – to head off the tantrum from starting. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A great new short, inexpensive e-book has a wealth of good information about this subject: “Taming Your Child’s Temper Tantrums” by Harvard Medical School’s Dr. Victoria Rogers McEvoy and Karen Weintraub. You can learn more about this book at my website.
• Visit www.AskDoctorK. com to read more.
My ex drinks, does drugs and has a rap sheet
dr. Wallace: I met Mike at a concert and started going out with him soon after the event. Mike was a cool cat. Yes, he was into alcohol and drugs, and yes, he has a criminal record, but he is full of life and an exciting guy. A month ago, I came home from a date with alcohol on my breath, and my dad blew his mind. Mike and he got into a huge argument and Mike used some nasty adjectives. If it had not been for my mother who intervened, I’m sure he and my dad would have gotten into a fist fight. I’m 16 and have been out with quite a few guys, but
’TWeeN 12 & 20 Robert Wallace none of them turned me on more than Mike. I’m on restriction and have promised my parents that I will never go out with him again, and I will keep that promise. My question is this – why do so many girls like to go out with wild “redneck” guys? All of us girls know these guys are double trouble, but we still gravitate to them. Already, I miss Mike, and it breaks my heart knowing that I will never go
8AsTROGRAPh By BeRNice Bede OsOL
Newspaper Enterprise Association
TOdAY – Something that seemed like a long time in coming might finally happen in the year ahead. Fortunately, it will be a development that is likely to change your life in a good way, both materially and socially. cAPRicORN (dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Finding access to persons who could be key to your present plans will come more easily than you thought. This includes even some individuals who have been deliberately dodging you. AQuARius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) – You are in a much stronger position career-wise than you may realize. Don’t let self-doubt or discouragement by others cause you to believe otherwise. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20) – Discussions with wise friends might be the key to helping you unravel a bind. If you talk to some of your smarter pals, you’ll find the answers you need. ARies (March 21-April 19) – Be tough enough to dedicate your time and efforts to a difficult objective that you’re anxious to attain, and you’ll achieve your purposes. Don’t let yourself get bogged down. TAuRus (April 20-May 20) – Don’t be reluctant to revise some long-standing methods if they are no longer proving to be productive. Things don’t always get better with age. GeMiNi (May 21-June 20) – You’re likely to fare far better if you respond to events instead of precipitating them. At this juncture, it’s better to react than to lead. cANceR (June 21-July 22) – Unusually bold measures will be required to advance one of your interests. Don’t be afraid to take a calculated risk if that’s what it takes. LeO (July 23-Aug. 22) – If you’ve left something dangling, even for a good reason, now is the time to put it to rest. It could produce potential benefits for everybody involved. viRGO (Aug. 23-sept. 22) – Chances are you’ll finally tackle a duty you’ve put off for quite some time, all because you thought it would be a dull experience. To your surprise, it will prove to be invigorating. LiBRA (sept. 23-Oct. 23) – When you finally decide to work on your household’s budget, you’ll surprisingly find ways to get better mileage from the monies at hand. scORPiO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22) – Try not to treat serious matters indifferently, but by the same token, don’t approach life in such a somber manner that you depress others, as well as yourself. Find a compromise. sAGiTTARius (Nov. 23-dec. 21) – An old debt that you thought about writing off is likely to be repaid during this cycle. It’s a good thing you weren’t too quick to forget about it.
out with him again. – Ashley, Houston, Tex. Ashley: There aren’t a lot of girls who get a thrill from going out with wild guys, but there are certainly some. Perhaps it’s the excitement of self-destruction. Some women even manage to “fall in love” with murderers on death row. Most females who go through an “I like losers” phase eventually grow out of it – usually after one or several traumatic experiences with such guys. I understand that you miss Mike even though he’s a jerk. He seems to promise romance and adventure – everything you
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think your life lacks. In reality, that promise is as hollow as an empty beer keg. He and his kind will only bring you misery. I hope you saw that in Mike’s absurd confrontation with your parents. Your broken heart will mend soon enough, and you will meet a nice guy who has greater ambitions than drinking, smoking pot or putting cocaine up his nose. dr. Wallace: I’m always wondering where underage teens get their alcohol. Almost all establishments that sell alcohol won’t sell alcohol to young people unless they have proof they are at least 21. Do they steal it
from their parents or do they have adults purchase it for them? It appears to me that teens who want alcohol have little problem getting it. My 17-year-old son was actually given beer by his best friend’s stepfather. – Mama, Gary, Ind. Mama: It’s true that underage drinkers have little problem getting alcohol. According to a National Academy of Science report, two-thirds of teens who drink are given alcohol by their parents or other adults. This is a troubling statistic.
• Email Dr. Robert Wallace at rwallace@galesburg.net.
8cROssWORd
BRidGe Phillip Alder
Keep from swerving and crashing Robert Duvall said, “You just can’t take a crash course to be a tango dancer in a movie.” You can’t take a crash course to be an expert declarer in bridge. However, here is a chance to dance around a three-no-trump deal. What should South do after West leads the heart jack? Despite having only 20 high-card points, South’s hand is nearly strong enough to open two clubs and rebid two no-trump. All those aces and kings, along with the good five-card suit, make that hand worth some 22 points. (A twono-trump opening typically contains either three aces and one king or two aces and three kings. As this hand has two aces and four kings, it is over average.) South starts with seven top tricks: three hearts, two diamonds and two clubs. Most days, he will get three more winners from clubs for an overtrick. But it would be a good idea to sacrifice the potential extra trick to avoid crashing like the original declarer. He won the first trick and immediately took his two top clubs. When the queen did not drop, South continued with a third club. Now East did well, shifting to the spade queen. Whatever declarer did, he had to lose five spade tricks and go down two. Since the contract is in danger of crashing only if East gains the lead, South should have taken the first trick on the board and played a low club to his eight (assuming East followed suit with the two or five, of course). Even if it lost to the 10, the suit would then have run and the contract come home safely.