The Sentinella Costa West Edition
The Little Mag that fits in your bag...
NÂş25 October/November 2010
E E R F
BE SEEN ‌ in Riviera Del Sol, Calahonda, Cabopino, Elviria, Rosario, Marbella, Puerto Banus, Nueva Andalucia, San Pedro, Guadalmina, Benavista, Cancelada, Estepona, Casares, Sabinillas, La Duquesa, Manilva, Torreguadiaro, Sotogrande, Pueblo Nuevo, La Alcaidesa, San Roque, Benahavis & Ronda.
D ... E e h t From Well, that’s it … it’s all over. The summer season has just passed us by. What is even scarier is that our next issue will be the Christmas edition and the first of 2011 … Don’t waste any time, life is passing us by so quickly so let’s move on and have some fun and laughter! By popular request, this issue of our “little mag” is packed full of jokes and funny stories. There are several jokes that make reference to the S*X word that may offend some people. So, if you do not have a sense of humor or are easily offended, we suggest you put this mag down now and find something else to read. So, for those of you who are still reading, remember that Laughter connects us with others. Laughter is contagious, so if you bring more laughter into your life, you can most likely help others around you to laugh more, and realize these benefits as well. By elevating the mood of those around you, you can reduce stress levels, and perhaps improve the quality of social interaction you experience with them, reducing your stress level even more! Remember, if you have a special Christmas or New Year event that you would like featured in our next issue, please contact us to reserve your space as soon as possible. Like our friends at Easyjet, we offer discounts for early bookings … don’t miss out. Let’s end this year with a bang!
y Enjo
!
A Taste of What´s Inside ... Don´t forget that all the regular jokes & funnies are found in all sections of the mag ...
Home & Garden ... pg 5- 11 Top tips for Off peak rentals, Reliable contacts for all your services ...
Health & Beauty ... pg 12-18 Minx nails, Health Update from SOS medicos, Great Excercise Tips from Princess Studiod ...
NEED to know ... pg 19-21 Costa Advice Bureau, Family Life In Spain, Know your rights,
Sports & Activities ... pg 22-25 How to join some of our local sports clubs ...
Out & About ... pg 26-29 Ronda, Discover Cadiz, La Concepcion...
K ids & Teens ... pg 30-31 Fame Games Teen Page, Wordsearch ...
Animals & Pets ... pg 32-33 Animal thoughts, Canine Psychology ...
Entertainment ... pg 34-43 Annie B’s kitchen, Twin Geeks, Name that Song, Amazing Cakes for all Occasions, Puzzle page ...
General pages ... pg 44 -47 The Sentinella Business Pages, Information Page ... The Sentinella is eternally dedicated to Colin Checkley, the founder and editor of The Sentinel Magazine. May he rest in peace. (Born: 1960 Died: 2004)
CONTACT US ... 608 840 692 Join our Fan Page
costawest@thesentinella.com Editor & Sales: Lisa Sadleir
“The Sentinella, Costa West Edition� Follow us on
@costawest
Distribution & Sales: Ed Sadleir Original Artwork: Mick Elliot mickelliot@me.com
www.costawest.thesentinella.com Deposito Legal MA-333-2008
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin:
4
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
No part of this publication, including pictures may be copied, used or reproduced without our prior written consent. The Sentinella accepts no responsibility for alterations to events listed, claims made by our advertisers or information provided by our contributors. So there!
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't always as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folks think.
The Day P. Niss asked for a Raise The Request ... I, P.Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into every thing I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
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The Response... Dear P.Niss: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. .
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the Correct protective clothing. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina
Two businessmen in Cardiff
The dead Mi6 Agent f ound
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy
Home & Garden
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
6
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old biddie said,"Must be doing well... Only two left!" Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!
Husband says to wife , "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight." Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
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Home & Garden
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Tel:
Brains of Britain (part1)... For anyone who maybe doesn’t really believe that GCSE’s might have become easier!! UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals.. Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston:There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester
8
BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit
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with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm Stewart White:Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis Stewart White:Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS ) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? Contestant: France ... Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris .. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM ( Bristol ) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant:I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. .... ..... Richard: He makes bread ... .. . Contestant: Er ... ........ Richard: He makes cakes ... .. . Contestant: Kipling Street ?
$$
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GET NOTICED HERE ... ONLY â‚Ź75 for 6 months or for 1/4, 1/2 & full page Ads: Book 6 months & get
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Home & Garden
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER ) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five?
Home & Garden 10
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic bin bags behind her.
game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a €20 note fell out onto the pavement.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are €20 notes falling Out of that bag."
So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me €20, or off it comes.'
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Top Tips for Generating Off-peak Holiday Rentals
The husband had just finished
The Costa del Sol is a lucrative yearround rental market, but it’s also highly competitive. You need to be pro-active to achieve the level of bookings that you want, especially off-peak. Here are some tips for maximising your rentals from property experts, HomeCareontheWeb.com.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,
• Email your address book contacts with details about your property,including photos and rates, and ask them to pass on to their friends and colleagues
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert.
.
• Advertise in local newspapers and property magazines or place notices in shop windows.
• Offer a deal, or a special offer to tempt potential guests e.g. a welcome pack, 7 nights for the price of 5, or airport pickup. • Spend some money advertising your Spanish property on one of the many homeowners’ holiday rental websites: • www.ownersdirect.co.uk • www.holiday-rentals.co.uk • www.villaseek.com • Get specialist help – to save yourself time, effort and stress, think about approaching a professional holiday rentals and property management company. HomeCareontheweb.com are promoting Spanish properties in partnership with Novasol - Europe’s Nº 1 in holiday home rentals - and can offer you expert advice and all the marketing resources and know-how to maximise your year-round rental income for free. Visit : www.homecareontheweb.com/novasol for more information.
"From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? His wife replies, "The funeral director would be my guess."
Home & Garden
• Be creative and think about local festivals or events, or times of the year when people want to holiday, e.g. half term, Easter and Christmas, and promote your properties at these times.
reading the book "Man of the House."
In a series of health messages from the medical director of SOS Médicos 24HS, Dr. H.M. Forcilo: l please read about Lyme Disease, which is potentially very easy to pick up. Lyme disease is a bacterial infection that is spread to humans by infected ticks. These ticks are brown/black, very small, spider-shaped insects that feed on the blood of mammals, including humans.
Health & Beauty
The most common symptom of Lyme disease is a red skin rash that looks similar to a bull’s eye on a dart board. However, if Lyme disease is left untreated, further symptoms can follow including: • a high temperature (fever) of 38C (100.4F) or over, • muscle pain, • joint pain and swelling, and • neurological symptoms, such as temporary paralysis of the facial muscles. Lyme disease can be treated in early stage with antibiotics. Most people will make a full recovery within a couple of days. A person with Lyme disease is not contagious. Prevent you and your family from the disease and take sensible precautions when you are in areas that are known to have a high tick population; wear longsleeved shirts, and use insect repellent.
12 4
If you find a tick on or under your skin, remove it by gently gripping it as close to the skin as possible, preferably using fine toothed tweezers, and pull/turn steadily away from the skin.
For all your hair, beauty and massage requirements The Works has a complete list of hair and beauty treatments from cutting and colouring, through to beauty treatments like facials, waxing, eyes and nails to name but a few. They also have a dedicated masseuse to attend to those tired muscles leaving you feeling both relaxed and refreshed.
The Works, Centro Commercial Contur Elviria, Marbella Tel: 952 836 899 www.theworksmarbella.com Remember that should you have any unforeseen problem regarding your health: the doctors from SOS Médicos 24HS are driving along the Costa del Sol, in the area from Alcaidesa/Sotogrande up to Mijas Costa 24 hours a day. Our Contact Numbers are : 951 27 72 70 or 951 27 72 72 (to ask for a visit from one of our doctors).
Some classic quotes ... “Ah ,yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip a man’s genitals out through his wallet” Robin Williams “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful , natural, wholesome things that money can buy” Tom Clancy “You know “that look” that woman get when they want sex? Me neither” Steve Martin “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand” Woody Allen
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships” Sharon Stone
!
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself” Roseanne “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” Billy Crystal “Instead of getting married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house” Rod Stewart “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time” Robin Williams “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope” George Burns
Health & Beauty
“Bisexuality automatically doubles your chance for a date on Saturday night” Rodney Dangerfield
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch” Jack Nicholson
Some Easy to Do Exercise Tips from Princess Studios ...
Health & Beauty
1. The Squat ... Great thighs,hips and buttocks.
for
toning
To do a squat, imagine that you are about to sit down on the edge of a chair. Position your legs using a shoulder width stance. Keep your head up and also maintain a straight back. Extend arms straight out in front of you and push with your legs and at the same time straightening your torso. Begin to slowly lower bending the knees. lower down until the angle between the upper leg and the calves becomes slightly less than 90-degrees, hold then repeat. 3 sets of 12.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
144
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
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But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
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The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
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The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
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She and her husband were ecstatic.
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When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
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Health & Beauty
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The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
ยก hola guapa !
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
Health & Beauty
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sourdumpling. What's wrong? What's changed. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50. And your dreams are gone... But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would. So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
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Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
16
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
hello beautiful !
Health & Beauty
18
Are YOU paying & getting results from your advertising?
Or, are you paying & not being seen? If you are not sure, pick up a copy of any magazine you are advertising with, flick through it & see how easy it is or maybe isn´t, to find your advert … REMEMBER, you know what it looks like, your potential customers do not. How much harder will it be for them to find your ad amongst all the others?
The Sentinella Costa West Edtion,
our
advertisers adverts are SEEN & they get RESULTS! WHY? 1. Our advertising content is limited to only 50% allowing high visibility of all ads. 2. We offer advertorials to our advertisers and so maximizing exposure. 3.Target placement of ads – choose which section of the mag is most relevant for you! 4. We promote our advertisers on Facebook, Twitter & on our Website. 5. An advert index redirects readers back to your adverts. 6. We offer “exclusivity” deals to allow you to keep out your competitors.
So what are you waiting for? If you read our little mag and have a business to promote, contact us and let us help you to help YOUR business G R
O W...
Tel: 608 840 692 Email: costawest@thesentinella.com The Sentinella, Costa West ... the expat mag that hits the target every time!
NEED to Know...
At
NEED t o Kn o w . . .
Easylifespain are a one stop shop for reliable home and office services covering the Costa del Sol and inland regions of Coin, Ojen, Mijas and Alharuin el Grande. All of our service providers work is personally checked prior to joining our team to ensure they meet our clients satisfaction. For the home, we currently provide electricians, plumbers, gardeners, cleaners, painters, carpenters, computer services and rental property maintenance. For offices, we provide translation, administration assistance, website design, office removals and cleaning. All our services are offered at highly competitive prices and our personal guarantee of quality. To find out more, check: www.easylifespain.com or contact us on 952485026.
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Assets of all non-residents and residents depending in which region you live in are ordinarily by law subject to inheritance tax. The rules are complicated and one must not generalise on the rate of the tax payable. The amount due depends primarily on each individual’s circumstances and cannot be structured by tables and charts. Unscrupulous lawyers and non regulated financial advisers have taken advantage of many home owners, encouraging them to become involved in a vast variety of investments and schemes in an attempt to avoid paying a tax that may not even be owe. This complex subject needs to be studied in the approved manner, with due diligence and on an individual basis. Not as has occurred on numerous occasions with lazy lawyers or gestores making random calculations to determine the tax payable. The outcome can result in costly errors. Trusting and concerned inheritors duly and obediently pay the deduced amount.
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Inheritance Tax The Facts
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There are autonomous regions where this tax has been totally abolished. The Andalusia government has had this issue on the table but to date there is no change in the law. What we should know is that there are many instances where this regional law does allow a wide range of reductions depending on your status and that of your inheritors. Most resident property owners whose homes are in the middle to lower price range may find they have no tax to pay at all. Be wary of the advice given to you by your uninformed fellow residents. You may be advised to say nothing on the death of a spouse or family member. The tax author-
ities are getting stricter on the evasion of taxes and if found out, you may incur more costs, including a fine. There are many publicised cases where honest expats have been coerced into entering into unsatisfactory investment schemes to theoretically avoid inheritance tax and in the process have lost or are losing their homes and often their life savings. When seeking legal advice you need to know that the advice you are receiving is honest, impartial and accurate information.
Information that states that inheritors or the defunct family member must be resident and registered in Spain for varying lengths of time to avail of the many reductions are incorrect. Each case must be studied on its own merit.
Your will does not reflect on the amount of tax payable. A Spanish will is a must. A testament drawn up in your country of origin will have to go to probate which means that you will incur additional costs including a lawyer in the country where the document was executed. It will take a lot longer to settle the matter and for this reason it is wise to have a will drawn up in each country where you hold assets including Gibraltar. Remember as a non Spanish national home owner, you have the advantage over your Spanish counterpart who has to distribute his assets according to the laws of Spain. You can draw up your will in accordance with the laws of the country from which you originate. On a lighter note, a Spaniard would find it difficult to leave his assets to a dog’s home. You may do so if you wish. It is only fair to point out that a family member who is not included as an heir and feels he or she has an entitlement to part of the estate can contest the will in a Spanish court. To make sure that you do not pay more than your legal obligations or for any further assistance or information, please contact: Costa Advice Bureau: mijas@costaadvicebureau.com Tel: 952 48 68 06
www.familylifeinspain.com
NEED to Know...
Countless owners have sadly fallen prey to unprincipled agents who have extracted astronomical amounts from fees and then have taken the easy route to figure out your tax payable, leaving you with an inaccurate demand for payment. I am sure quite a lot of expats will have come across expressions like, “Do you want to mitigate Spanish Inheritance Tax and take advantage of a supplementary income at the same time avoid excessive inheritance tax payments. Release equity on your home and pay less inheritance tax on bereavement� and countless other advertising features on this matter. If you have, alarm bells should start ringing and remember inheritance tax issues should be studied by an approved regulated and registered fiscal adviser who is not only qualified but morally conscientious enough to deal with such a delicate subject matter.
There is a lot of talk and publicity about drawing up Spanish wills to lessen the inheritance tax burden. This is not the case.
Two American golfers,
out on the
course one day. At the ninth, while waiting, one took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, took one, offered one, then asked his friend for a light.
The second golfer looked at the first, and said: What's the matter with your Genie, is he hard of hearing!? I said a million bucks , not a million ducks. His friend replied: "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"
His friend pulled a 12-inch Bic lighter out of his golf bag. "Wow! Where did you get such a large Bic lighter?" his pal asked.
Sports & Activities
"Well my Genie got it for me" was the reply. "Your Genie? Are you kidding? You have a Genie?............Where is he?" "In my golf bag" "Can I see him?" The friend said "sure you can", looked in his bag, and bought out the Genie. The second man looked the Genie straight in the eye, then said: "You know, I am your masters best friend, and I want you to grant me one wish!" "Okay masters best friend, just one wish!". And the man wished for a million bucks. His pal put the Genie back in the golf bag and they continued the round. Pretty soon the sky started to get dark, and then really dark. The golfers looked up, and saw a whole mass of ducks flying over the course.
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Marbella Rugby Club was founded in 1989 by Roberto Osborne with a handful of rugby aficionados. Since then, the club has grown, so much so that we now have an extensive youth program & are currently the U17 & U15 Champions of Andalucia, as well a coming 4th (U17) & 2nd (U15) at the Championships of Spain 2010. If you are an ex pat looking to play Veterans or Senior (2nd in the Andalucia 1st Division) rugby, or you have children that would be interested in playing (boys or girls) please come along to the club. We currently coach over 200 children aged from 3 to 18 years old. We are located opposite the Costa del Sol Hospital at Bahia de Marbella Visit our website: www.marbellarugbyclub.com You can call us on 692061982 or check out our Facebook page - Marbella Rugby Club.
AFA Marbella,
Marbella Netball Club...
... the Costa del Sols’ longest established youth football club is situated conveniently just across the road from Cañada Shopping Centre in
the La Marbella.
They have players from 5 – 14 years old and hold training on Monday’s and Wednesday evenings from 5pm.
We are always actively looking to increase our membership so whether you are interested in just coming along for a good keep fit session or want to become involved in playing in league fixtures please come and give the MNC a try. We train every Tuesday from 8pm till 9.30pm at LAUDE International School, San Pedro (Formally Kings College). We are always looking to recruit new members all ages and abilities are welcome. Our members range in ability from complete beginners to former county players.
Whether your child is a budding Beckham or Rooney, or whether your little angel wants a club to be part of and make friends, AFA Marbella is the club for you!, AFA Marbella ... making football fun again! Contact AFA Marbella today on 609 310 409 or visit their website at: www.afamarbella.com
For more information please contact Nicky on 672 379 260 or check out our facebook fan page Marbella Netball Club.
Sports & Activities
The staff at AFA are all UEFA qualified. The Directors have personally scouted players from the local region who now play at professional clubs throughout Europe and the Coaches are all experienced and ready to show your children one of the most comprehensive youth soccer development programmes in Spain.
Formed in 2007 the MNC was formed by a group of mothers at a local International School. Initially we aimed to promote the sport along the Costa del Sol and play friendly games with other local clubs. Today we have two teams competing in the Gibraltar Netball League the Harriers and the Jets.
Sex Types ... SOCIAL SECURITY SEX... Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX... A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!" QUIET SEX... Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX... A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be €3,500 for "small, €6,500 for "medium, €14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he 24 made any decision. The man called his
wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX... A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX... My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX... One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, "Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."
Discover Cadiz...
Out & About
When a city has been around for over 3,000 years – it must be doing something right! Cadiz is the oldest city on the Iberian Peninsula and probably the oldest in Europe, but it’s ancient and more recent history sit comfortably next to its current popularity as a wonderful day trip destination. Situated on a peninsula, almost completely surrounded by sea, beautiful Cadiz is one of the most atmospheric and photographed cities in South West Andalucia. Founded in 1100 BC by the Phoenicians, who called the city Gadir, it became known as Gades under the Romans and Qadis under the Moors. Cadiz wasn’t destined to be the relaxed small Spanish port you might expect,instead it has played a part in some of the most vivid and memorable moments of Spanish history. From the early 16th century all the Spanish boats sailing off in search of fame and fortune in the New World sailed from Cadiz and much of that fortune came back to Cadiz in the shape of stunning palacios for the wealthy, large plazas and beautiful churches. Christopher Columbus sailed from here, bringing back the wonderful Ficus trees that now grace the Parque Genovés.
Pirates attacked Cadiz several times during the 16th century, setting much of the old town ablaze in 1569. Famously in 1587 it was here that Sir Frances 2 46 Drake “Singed the King of Spain’s Beard”
by setting fire to the newly built Spanish Armada. In 1812 Cadiz became the first seat of a newly formed Spanish parliament and the true home of Spanish democracy, when the first Constitution was declared here, making Cadiz a centre for enlightened, liberal thinkers, poets and painters. The great Spanish composer Manuel de Falla was born here in 1876 and his music is still celebrated here today. That reputation carried on into the 20th century, when even under Franco, Cadiz was considered one of the most free-thinking, relaxed and open minded cities in Spain. The famous Carnaval of Cadiz celebrates this, when thousands of “Gaditanos” and visitors get dressed in fancy costumes and roam the streets enjoying the fantastic Carnaval floats and the Chirigotas (amateur choirs who write and perform satirical songs about local politicians and celebrities). The Carnaval is held during Lent and in 2011 will be during the last week of February and first week of March. With its maze of narrow streets that take you into a series of gracious squares, its monuments and ruins from so many ages of Spain and it’s beautiful and clean blue flag city beaches, Cadiz is a wonderful day trip destination. Enjoy a fantastic day exploring Cadiz with Camino Holidays. For just 100 euros per person our day trips include all transport (to and from your home area), guided tours, entrance tickets and all meals. www.caminoholidays.co.uk Tel: 00 44 1295 738 869 10% Discount for Sentinella readers
Random Funnies ... Gordon Barking was today barred from B&Q shops in the south of England. As he entered the store in Portsmouth the man on the door greeted him by asking if he wanted decking. Gordon, luckily, got the first punch in. *** When asked if there is a B&Q in Dublin O'Flaherty said he didn't know but that there were two D's in Dundalk. ***
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local
Out & About
NHS hospital.This conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
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'Do you know which ward she is in?' 'Yes, ward P, room 2B' 'I'll put you through to the nurse station.' 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?' 'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.' 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!' 'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?' 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you bugger all in here!!
During a recent shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O'Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Agnes stared at the woman's lined face, then at the crystal, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze steadied her voice and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
October and November in the SerranĂa de Ronda are when things start to cool down, and get very wet as the rainy season begins, but at the same time, many of the most beautiful photos of the area are taken as chestnuts and oaks turn their leaves to orange and gold, and the grasses return to green.
To celebrate the return of autumn, Juzcar in the Genal Valley hold their annual mushroom seminars as people from all over Spain come to discover the many varieties of edible mushrooms endemic to the riverbanks of the Genal River. Autumn also marks the end of the chestnut harvest and hands turn to boiling the fruit for conserves and sweets. Restaurants of the area also offer a good selection of wild game on the menu, making autumn one of the best times to visit. In October visitors to the city will have the chance to see and experience three of Ronda's most important Moorish monuments at night as the council keeps the Arab Baths, the Mondragon Palace, the Puente Nuevo, and the Casa del Gigante open every night from 9pm till midnight.
November brings to Ronda a film festival, the Ronda International Political Film Festival, billed as political films of the 21st century with a top prize of 50,000 Euros, and which marks its inaugural year in 2010 with expected guests from around the world of political cinema arriving to pay tribute to British director Ken Loach, first recipient of the Goyesca of Honour. Remember to checkout my website for upto date news about Ronda and the surrounding areas:
www.rondatoday.com
Out & About
Culturally Ronda gets several art exhibitions that will be popular, with the Ronda town hall making the Santo Domingo convent and Casa del Cultura available to artists such as Diana Lee and Juan Tejedor, while in Grazalema, several English artists join together at the tourist information office, and in the Neilsen Gallery Chema Cobo exhibits a series of oil and water colours created whilst resident at the Art Institute of Chicago.
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Fame Games
Kids Can you find the hidden words ending in the letter “F” ? They may be horizontal or vertical ... BEEF, BELIEF, BRIEF, CALF, CHEF, SURF, CHIEF, THIEF, CLIFF, WOLF. GOLF, HALF, LEAF, PROOF, ROOF, SCARF, SHELF, SHERIFF, SNIFF, STAFF,
Puzzle
word SEARCH
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Pets & Animals
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Fireworks – Let’s Have A Party! One of the most common problems reported by dog owners – at least, here in Spain – is “firework phobia”. Anxious owners describe how their dog hides, trembling and terrified, whenever fireworks are going off in the area. The problem is greater here than in other countries, since most local celebrations are accompanied by firework displays. Endless pages of advice have been published about this problem and how to deal with it; however, the advice given invariably centres around ways to minimize the impact of the sound and reducing the dog’s fear.
reaction, that is exactly what they will get. The dog will tune in to the owner’s anxiety, associate it with the sound of the fireworks and assume there is some reason to be afraid. Thus, the vicious circle is created… So, when you hear those fireworks, go to your terrace or window, act excited, eat some snacks, enjoy the display if you can see it and ignore any negative reaction by your dog! Let him figure our for himself that he just might be missing out on something good… Sylvia FitzSimons Canine Behaviour Consultant 952904973 – 679550490
Pets & Animals
Needless to say, if the fireworks are close enough to pose any physical threat to the dog, he should be kept well away from them. Regarding the phobia – extreme fear at the very sound of nearby fireworks – I have always preferred a different approach; ideally, preventing the fear from developing in the first place or, in the case of a dog that is already fearful, aiming to invert the reaction until the dog is convinced that fireworks are “the greatest show on earth”! Although this is a relatively simple process, it is too lengthy to describe here in deatail; suffice to say that “owner attitude” is the most fundamental part of it. Many owners unwittingly increase – or even create – fear in their dogs, simply by assuming the dog will be afraid of certain things. Dogs are very quick to pick up on their owners’ emotions; if, at the first sound of fireworks, the owner glances anxiously at the dog expecting a fearful
All main brands pet foods. Accessories and services. FREE home delivery 952 904 973 / 679550490
www.barrysdogstore.net
Put in jar and shake like mad or whiz with blender. Perfect for diced chicken breast for kebebs, for whole beaten out chicken breasts, for skinless and boneless thighs, for lamb, for fish (spoon over and grill).Leave to marinade for at least 6 hours. Also makes a great cold chicken dish. Bake, grill or BBQ
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Here is a fab recipe for a marinade I use for chicken things, beaten out chicken breasts, to spoon over fish to grill or bake, to marinade lamb. It´s great with carrots or even just to dip bread into. I´ve been using this recipe for YEARS and it´s one I feature on every course I do as it´s a great way to show how important it is to flavour, to toast your spices before use. I use a coffee grinder to grind them. It keeps in the fridge for months. It´s important to take it out of the fridge before use as the olive oil solidifies in the fridge. MOROCCAN MARINADE 1 cup Olive Oil 1/2 cup Red Wine Vinegar 3 tablespoons ground cumin (better if you toast then grind seeds) 1.5 tablespoon ground coriander (again toast and grind seeds) 2-3 teaspoons ground cinnamon 2 teaspoons salt 2 teaspoons sugar 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
34
Serve with couscous, yoghurt with cucumber and tomato with onion salad. This will keep in your fridge for at least 6 months. Remember to let the solidified Olive Oil dissolve before using. It’s a good idea to double up the quantities. Check how big your jar is first!
For more details of her courses, check her website : www.anniebs.es or call her on 620 560 649.
Have you ever considered selling Norman was in his front garden mowing his lawn, when his neighbour, your products online? Maintaining a shop front can be a very expensive proposition at the moment, with the rent, having to buy stock and paying for staff to run the shop you end up having to sell a lot of products before you can cover your costs. An Online shop allows you to cut overheads dramatically and work from home so that you can run your business however and whenever you want to. An online shop once set up is automated so that you receive the orders by email with all the relevant information sent to you and payment will have already been arranged (PayPal for example).
PayPal is the most recognised online payment system around at the moment although there are many others available as well. The benefit of PayPal is that they can handle all the transactions so you don’t have to take any money through the website. The customer recognises the PayPal symbol and then has confidence their transaction will be safe within the PayPal system. Another benefit of the Online Shop is you can have special offers for everyone or for specific members or even issue coupons with corresponding numbers that when entered into their checkout can give a discount on products orders. There are so many options available and when you think how easy it is to run once you have got your web designer to set it up for you, you will wonder how you managed without one before. If there are any questions about online shopping please don’t hesitate to get in contact via email info@inmalagadesign.com
Ten minutes later Libby came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily she stormed back into the house. As Norman was putting his mower away Libby came out once again. She marched up to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed. Puzzled by her distress Norman asked, "What's wrong with your mailbox Libby?" To which she replied, "It's my stupid computer it keeps telling me, 'New Mail has Arrived'."
Entertainment
An ecommerce site (Online Shop) allows you to list all of your products and information in an easy way on a website so potential clients can enter your website, view your products and order however many items they want to, pay via a online payment options (i.e. PayPal) and then receive them through the post. This helps to make the transactions easier for your business and any potential customers can order 365 days a year 24 hours a day. By receiving questions about the products or site via email you can choose when to reply so you are not constantly bombarded with requests all day.
Libby, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
Proof that Men Have Better Friends... Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Entertainment
Friendship among Men:
36
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
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Name That Song ... The rules are simple... Answer’s to the last challenge
Featuring ... The Letter “G” The artisit (ie. either the group’s name or the singer’s surname will begin with the chosen letter...
..... The Letter “F” “And I'm gonna miss you like a child
I believe in the family
misses their blanket
with my ever loving wife beside me
But I've got to get a move on
but she don't know about my girlfriend
with my life”
or the man I met last night
Fergie, Big girls don't cry
Entertainment
“Looking out for love In the night so still
My heart was going boom boom, boom
Oh I'll build you a kingdom
"Son," he said, "Grab your things, I've come
In that house on the hill”
to take you home."
Fleetwood Mac, Big Love
“I'll protect you from the hooded claw Keep the vampires from your door”
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Frankie Goes to Hollywood,
And we both know hearts can change
The Power of Love
And it's hard to hold a candle
If you know the answers, you can post them on our Fan Page “The Sentinella, Costa West Edition” ....
Advertise your christmas & new year offers here from only €2o Tel: 608 840 692 costawest@thesentinella.com 38
Proof That The World Is Nuts In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. Like THAT makes sense.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , but only in tropical fish stores. But of course! In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Makes one shudder at the thought.
Do they look different reversed?
I presume this was such a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?
A brick? The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. Much worse than 'going blind!' There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. Let's just think for a minute; is there a job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this? In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. Ah! Now thats Justice!
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
Entertainment
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
TOPIC OF TTHE HE MON MONTH: TH: HILARIOUS H ILARIOUS WEB A ADDRESSES DDRESSES A ne new w book has been released listing the internet’s internet’s funniest web web addresses. It seems mainly to to from include entries fr om companies companies that have have registered registered an innocent sounding name, not not realising the hidden w ords within when the spaces are removed. removed. Here are some examples examples for for your your words amusement/disgust: Who R epresents: www.whorepresents.com www.whorepresents.com Represents: I Lo ve Big Al’s: www.ilovebigals.com www.ilovebigals.com Love Mole Station N ursery: www .molestationnursery.com Nursery: www.molestationnursery.com P en Island: www .penisland.com Pen www.penisland.com Les Bacoges: www.lesbocages.com www.lesbocages.com Choose Spanish: www.chosespain.com www.chosespain.com Exper ts Exchange: Exchange: www .exper tsexchange.com Experts www.expertsexchange.com La Drape: www .ladrape.com www.ladrape.com Speed of ar t: www .speedofar t.com art: www.speedofart.com 7KHUDSLVW ÀQGHU ZZZ WKHUDSLVWÀQGHU FRP 7KHUDSLVW ÀQGHU ZZZ WKHUDSLVWÀQGHU FRP
WEBSITE MONTH: WEBSI TE OF TTHE HE MON TH: BODYCOUNTERS B ODY OD YCOUNTERS website is “The Bodycountersâ€?, Bodycountersâ€?, and the address is www.bodycounters.com www.bodycounters.com This month’s website website that w as started star ted up in 2006, with the stated stated purpose purpose of counting the bodies This is a website was DSSHDULQJ LQ Ă€OPV +HUH DUH VRPH RI WKH Ă€OPV LQFOXGHG The Amityville Horr Horror or (2005 version) version)
6 and a dog
Bambi
deer,, 2 pheasants 1 deer
Movie Batman, the Mo vie
shark, 5, a shar k, an octopus octopus and 4 noble porpoises porpoises
Carrie
235 and a pig
Fifth The Fif th Element
22, plus an entire space battleship, 26 mangolores, 3 mondosha wans, 17 17 parasites parasites and mondoshawans, one cockr oach. cockroach.
F orrest Gum p Forrest Gump
1 3 plus Elvis, JFK, Bobb ennedy and John Lennon 13 Bobbyy K Kennedy
Gremlins
3 people and 322 gremlins
‌ and ttop op of the list is: The Hitchhik er´s Guide tto o the Galaxy Planet Planet earth ear th minus 2 people, minus 2 aliens and minus all of the Hitchhiker´s GROSKLQV 3OXV FUDEV VSHUP ZKDOH ERZO RI SHWXQLDV DQG DQ HQWLUH EDWWOH à HHW RI VWUDQJH ZDUOLNH GROSKLQV 3OXV FUDEV VSHUP ZKDOH ER ZO RI SHWXQLDV DQG DQ HQWLUH EDWWOH à HHW RI VWUDQJH ZDUOLNH beings resplendent in black je jewelled welled battle shorts. shorts. Plus 2 mice.
live TTwingeeks wingeeks goes out liv e on Talk Talk Radio Europe Europe at 5.30pm (Costa del Sol East: 88.9 fm or Costa del Sol West West 91.9fm) 91.9fm) Visit www.twingeeks.fm www .twingeeks.fm tto o join in or make make any any suggestions for for your your favourite favourite website website or anything anything else! The Twin Twin Geeks run a web red-enet. w eb design business called red-ene t. Feel Feel free to to visit our website website at www.red-enet.com www.red-enet.com
www.red-enet.com www .red-enet.com
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. (-
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers." Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
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President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers." At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name,"Walking Eagle". The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.
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Entertainment
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
QUICK CROSSWORD ...
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2 41
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