2024 (Jan-Mar) OC Register In Loving Memory

Memory IN LOVING

How to support a friend who has lost a loved One

It is never easy for someone who has lost a member of the family, even when it comes at the end of a long life or a prolonged illness. The loss is always deeply felt and followed by a period of grief. Considering this, how can you help support a friend who has suffered such a loss? Here are seven simple suggestions.

1. Be there for your friend

Expressing your support by being physically present with your friend is perhaps the single most appreciated action you can take. Because of the sensitive nature of the situation, many friends fail at this most basic task. Be sure to devote some time to spend with your friend in the days and weeks following the loss.

2. Don’t talk; listen

Your friend is likely experiencing a number of thoughts regarding the deceased, and you can be their sounding board. It is appropriatefor you to offer the occasional comment in order to share personal recollections, express sympathy, and provide encouragement, but most of the time you should just listen to what they have to say, and empathize with the feelings they share.

Allow your friend to work through volatile emotions, freely express grief without fear of judgment, and tell you how the deceased had an impact on his or her life.

3. Provide childcare

If your friend has children, volunteer to take care of them for an afternoon or evening. Particularly if your friend has to make funeral arrangements to handle, your offer can allow them to focus on those responsibilities without the hassle of arranging for a babysitter.

4. Drop off a meal

Prepare a home cooked meal and deliver it to your friend. There are enough things demanding their attention—preparing meals doesn’t have to be one of them. However, don’t pressure your friend to invite you to stay to share the meal. Rather than intruding on family time, simply drop the meal off and leave.

5. Show up for visitation and for the funeral

A day or two prior to many funerals, there are times designated for visitation. Often called a wake, this is an opportunity for people togather to view the body and to express their condolences to the family. Show up for at least a few minutes during one of these times,and then do your best to attend the funeral itself. If you are unable to attend the funeral in person, at least check in periodically over the phone or online.

6. Offer to help out with the reception

If your friend is responsible for organizing a reception following the funeral, volunteer your services. There are a variety of ways you can help out. For instance, you can offer your home as a possible location. You could also help with preparations if the reception is to be held at another location. If sandwiches or sweets are desired, you could offer to prepare some. During the reception, you could assist as a host. Afterward, stick around to help clean up.

7. Check in

Grief doesn’t simply end after the funeral. In fact, after the funeral is when the journey through grief truly begins. Check in with your friend regularly after the death. Remember the anniversary of the loss and ask your friend how you can support them on this day. Offer your company, assistance and support through the months and years to come.

Allow your friend to relax and show honest emotions. Losing a loved one can be an intensely stressful and exhausting experience. Your friend should not have to put on a brave face or attend to your needs. Give them the space and freedom they need to process the loss, even if it extends well beyond the date of the funeral.

By being sensitive to your friend’s mental and emotional state—and by taking some responsibilities upon yourself—you can help remove some of the weight from their shoulders. Your support in these ways will go a long way toward helping your friend through this time of loss.

Eileen Aitchison

Viola Mae Beilin

Doris

James

Robert

Robert

Joan

Donald

Bob

Richard

Jean

Charles M. Castagno

Barbara Bryan Cunningham

Geraldine Audrey Buchanan

Raymond W. Callahan 1935 - 2024

Alice (Bolecek) Chuck

Charles A. Dever

Lionel Braz daSilva

Donald Anton Durensky 1932 -

R. Carroll Cleaver

Walter V. Dixon Jr.

Ross Boyce Canon

Billy Davis

James Easton

Mary

Elizabeth Irene “Bell” Cole

Sharon Doherty

Janet Ewart Eddy

Michele

Albert John Driggers

Wilford Cruz

Carole M. Elliott

Paula Faccou

Samual David Franklin

Charles Melvin Gammell

Deborah Faulkner

Jeanne Marie Freuler

Harold Green

Robert P. Fiorentino

Brenda Elrod Geiger

Patrick

Thomas Patrick Freydl

Dorothy Logan Guy

Thomas L. Fox

Deirdre Page Gillette

Helen

Phyllis M. Gallagher

Masako Hamada

Albert Fernandez Franco

Gerald Goldman

Terry

Stephen P. Hamilton Jr.

John T. Gallagher

Geffrey Graham,

Ronald Henricksen

Mary K. Hermance

Robert

Peter

Patricia

Tom

Michael

Dr.

Joan

Kathleen

Barbara

Michelle

Phyllis

Barry

Gregory

Alan

Marshall

Dorothy

Joanna

Betty

Helping children triumph over grief

Children are amazingly perceptive. They sense when adults around them are stressed, sad or keeping a secret. While you may beinclined to shield children from grief, this can actually lead to confusion and anger.

Wherever possible, children should be prepared for the passing of a loved one. In the event of a terminal illness, children should beprepared for the passing just as an adult would be. Death should be approached openly and honestly. Remember that children are accustomed to adults providing solutions and will have difficulty understanding why their loved one can’t be made well again. Explaining the process of death, perhaps with the assistance of suitable books, is a healthier approach than denying the tragedy.

Although naturally resilient, it should not be assumed that children will be unaffected by death. They may experience any or all of the following:

Anger

Children, like adults, may feel rage at the deceased person, other relatives or themselves. They may even resent acquaintances who have not had to suffer through the anguish of losing a loved one.

Fear

Whenever a loss occurs, people affected are reminded that they, too, will die. It is no different in children, although it may be their first time realizing the permanence of death. They may fear their own death, or the death of others. If the deceased person was a parent, they may begin to fear that other caregivers will pass away too.

Sadness

Children experience deep sadness and even depression. They may not have experienced this level of pain before, making their feelings unrecognizable to them. Grief also manifests in physical

symptoms such as stomach pain, headaches and fatigue.

Confusion

Children may not understand where the deceased person has gone and why, especially if they are too young to understand the concept of death. They may also have trouble adjusting to life without the person who has passed away, especially if that person was part of their day-to-day.

Guilt

Guilt is a natural part of grief. Children may worry that something they did or said caused the death. They could also regret not spending more time with the deceased before they passed away.

Level of involvement

Older children should be allowed to choose their level of involvement with regards to attending the funeral. They may want to write a poem, say a few words, lay a rose on the coff in, scatter ashes or wear a favorite outfit. This should be allowed wherever possible, even if it is not in keeping with the ideals of the funeral service.

Viewing of the body should be a personal decision and is probably not suited to younger children. It may be best if the loved one is remembered as when they were alive. If it is decided that the

opportunities for peace.

Involve older children in decisions surrounding the death of a close friend or relative. They may want a special keepsake and should not be overlooked when belongings are being given away. Keeping to familiar routine, especially for younger children, can be helpful but care should be taken not to push children into situations until they are ready. Allow older children suff icient time to grieve and avoid returning them to school too soon.

child will view the body, they should be carefully briefed as to what to expect.

Grasping the concept of death

Caregivers should take care to avoid talking about death as if it is “like sleeping” or “going to sleep” because this can make a young child fearful of going to bed at night. They may believe that they will not wake again in the morning. Euphemisms such as this ultimately do more harm than good. It can be stressful for guardians to cope with young children at such a solemn time. If children are attending the funeral, it is important that they are made aware of the process and what is expected of them. It should also be explained that there will be many sad people inattendance. Observing grieving adults can have a profound effect: children may be reluctant to see those people again at a later stage. Itis important to explain that although people are sad now, they won’t always be unhappy.

Letting them grieve, their way

If it is decided that children should not attend the funeral, encourage them to say goodbye in their own way, perhaps by planting aspecial tree in the garden or letting go of a balloon covered with messages and drawings. For a close relationship, creating a special, private place where the child can go to remember the person who died can provide enduring

Encourage the child to talk about their feelings. Older children may find internet support groups helpful but online activity should becarefully monitored at this vulnerable time. If those closest are unable to provide support due to their own grief, the child should becomforted by a close adult friend, perhaps a favorite aunt or uncle.

Wherever applicable, the school counselor may be able to provide advice and indeed, the school should be kept informed so that allowances can be made for changes in behavior and grades. Understand that the child who has recently been confronted by death may regress for a short while – perhaps wanting a childhood toy or adopting attention-seeking behavior.

Help children release their anger appropriately. One approach could be to encourage hitting cushions. Another could be to have the child write a letter, or draw a picture to describe their anger. This can then be torn up or burnt.

Taking care of physical health

Physical health is often forgotten or given a lower priority. However, ensuring their physical needs are attended to will provide them with a sense of safety and comfort. Ensure they have enough time to rest. Encourage children to eat and drink well. Exercise and playcan be the perfect way to release frustration, anger and anxiety. Above all, ensure that children understand that although this time is difficult to deal with and the loss will always be with them, the grief will pass.

Jeffrey Scott Lyngaas

William Edward McCarron II

Carolyn Ruth (Wynne) MacMillin

Donald Scott Messner

Richard Loyola Moyneur

Gerald Warren McClellan

Jack Thompson Magness

Gayle Baughman McGrew

Catherine E. Marks

John Lynn Mellotti

Alice Ann Marks

Ruth “Cuca” Mercado

Barbara Lee Osterman

Ann Olivia DelCiello Migliazzo

Carey Edward Murphy

Alven Perry Pedersen

Kenneth M Mills

Sidney Sterling Neblett

Sr. Mary Jean Pejza,

Millie Jane Mirth

Joyce Mansfield Nicholls

Dale Peterson

William “Bill” Moodie

Calvin Hirofumi Ogawa

Michael R. Pettite

Robert

Penelope

Nerita

Gil

Diana

Vicki

Matthew

Mary

Dr.

Geri

Terre

Carolyn

Susan

Delores

Ray

Christopher

Thomas

Eliahu

JoAnn

Jay

Isabel

Kenneth

Kathryn

Patricia

Michael

Wes

Grady

Malcolm

John

Carla

Nancy

Lloyd White

1928 - 2024

Hanford, CA

James Wiedel

1953 - 2023

Marilyn Zeschmann

1931 - 2024

Lake Forest, CA

Roy Calman Zukerman

1932 - 2023

Cochise County, AZ

Cypress, CA

H. Terry Buchanan 1930 - 2024

Newport Beach, CA

Mark P. Wolfson

1940 - 2024

Villa Park, CA

Kathryn-Marie Gough Morgridge

1925 - 2024

Newport Beach, CA

Gertrude M. Wynsen

1930 - 2023

Villa Park, CA

Gretchen Savage

1931 - 2024

Newport Beach, CA

Frank “Bud” Yeargain 1929 - 2024

Costa Mesa, CA

Boyd Van Ness 1934 - 2023

Dana Point, CA

DIRECTORY

Brown Colonial Mortuary ........................... browncolonialmortuary.net

Fairhaven Memorial Park & Mortuary ........ fairhavenmemorial.com

Heritage-Dilday Memorial Services ........... heritage-dildaymemorialservices.com

Hilgenfeld Mortuary ................................... hilgenfeldmortuary.com

McAulay & Wallace Mortuary .................... mcaulaywallace.com

McCormick & Son Mortuary ...................... mccormickandson.com

O’Connor Mortuary ................................... oconnormortuary.com

Saddleback Chapel ................................... saddlebackchapel.com

Neptune Society ........................................ www.neptunesociety.org

Fukui Mortuary .......................................... www.fukuimortuary,com

Pacific View Mortuary ................................ www.dignitymemorial.com