MAY 13, 2014 VOL XXXV ISSUE 14
TABLE OF CONTENTS EDITORIALS We Out
4
NEWS Take Back the Night
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“NEWS”
Stanley + Lemur
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Peace Out, Dean Stein Brit in the USA
8 9
Pizza Is the New Heroin Nostalgia Goggles Nutshellz Met Gala Ask a Semi-Professional Pervert Pull List The Amazing Plllllbbttthhh 2 Stadiums of Shit: The Final Flush
10 12 14 16 19 20 22 23
Korean Ferry Lily Allen Could Kick Your Dad’s Ass Gang of Thieves
24 25 27
FEATURES
CULTURE
OPINION
COMIX Gravel Stream
Enter The Literary Supplement
28 29
THE STONY BROOK PRESS EXECUTIVE EDITOR MANAGING EDITOR ASSOCIATE EDITOR BUSINESS MANAGER PRODUCTION MANAGER ART DIRECTOR NEWS EDITOR FEATURES EDITOR CULTURE EDITOR SPORTS EDITOR WEB EDITOR OPINION EDITOR PHOTO EDITOR COPY EDITOR MINISTER OF ARCHIVES OMBUDSMAN
IAN SCHAFER MAGGY KILROY JULIANNE MOSHER CHARLIE SPITZNER TAYLOR KNOEDL HOLLY LAVELLI JASMINE HAEFNER RICKY SOBERANO LAUREN KLEIN JAEL HENRY DAINE TAYLOR SEAN FISCHER TOM JOHNSON LINDSAY ANDARAKIS BETTY LO NICHOLAS VETRI MAFALA NICK BATSON
STAFF SURAIYA AFRINA JESSICA BEEBE TERICHI BELLINGER DANIEL CASHMAR SIOBHAN CASSIDY JESSE CHANG ADELA CURAJ
ARIELLE DOLLINGER RACHAEL ELLENBOGEN KYRIL KOTLOVSKY SAMUEL LIEBRAND JODIE MANN BUSHRA MOLLICK CASEY PINN
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during the academic year and twice during summer session by The Stony Brook Press, a student-run non-profit organization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opinions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect editorial policy. Staff meetings are held Wednesdays at 1:00 p.m. First copy free. For additional copies contact the Business Manager.
CHRIS PRIORE ANDY POLHAMUS ANTHONY SANTIGATE ZOE SUMNER REBECCA TAPIO BEATRICE VANTAPOOL MATT WILLEMAIN
The Stony Brook Press Suites 060&061 Student Union SUNY at Stony Brook Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200 Email: editors@sbpress.com
EDITORIALS
SEE YA SUCKERZ
When I signed up to intern for The Stony Brook Press, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was intimidated not only by the talent of the higher-up editors, but also by the closeness of their relationships and their matching senses of humor. I’d never been able to write funny and I worried that maybe this wasn’t the place for me. But then I started writing, and editing, and speaking up. I covered an endless stream of Undergraduate Student Government meetings and copyedited what seemed like a million music reviews for bands I’d never heard of, but learned to appreciate. I learned to love the same four Parks and Rec episodes that seemed to play in the office on a loop and to appreciate our office for what it is. It is messy, cluttered, stuffed with decomposing desk chairs and a couch that is supported entirely by old issues. But it has become a second home for a lot of us; a landing place for a post-midterm nap, somewhere to print the homework due in your next class, a gathering point where there’s always someone to commiserate with over accuracy F’s and grading podcasts. The Press is a unique blend of incredibly talented people with a variety of interests and laid back attitudes. We have investigated an NYPD spying scandal on campus and corruption within our elected student representatives with the integrity and seriousness they deserve, while also reviewing the best bathrooms on campus and waxing nostalgic about Burger King giveaways. We approach every article and section differently, which allows for the wide-
range of articles within each issue. We represent exactly what a campus newspaper should be: a mixture of what the students should know and what they actually want to read. For all of my successors, I just want to leave you with some wisdom—choose your battles. Not everyone will love, or even understand, what The Press is about. For all the professors who tell you that maybe this isn’t something to be proud of, there are students who are reading our articles and asking the questions that need to be asked about our school, our student representatives and community as a whole. I didn’t stay at The Press for so many years because it looks good on a résumé. I stayed here because I’m passionate about our mission to incite debate and promote progress, something that has not always been easy for some of the journalism professors to understand. I always have and always will defend--and even encourage--our boundary pushing ways, as long as at the core we’re still producing entertaining, informative content that stays true to our core values. It’s been hard for me to let go, but it’s time to let The Press grow and evolve under a new regime. The Press has been the defining feature of my college career, and it’s bittersweet to say goodbye. I am however looking forward to seeing where this next generation of editorz will take the magazine that I have poured my blood, sweat and tears into for so long (no pressure guyz).
In the spring of 2012, I began an internship at The Stony Brook Press. From the second I first entered the office on the first meeting of the semester, I knew that what goes on here is definitely something worth being a part of. At first, I felt like I was on the outside looking in. At staff meetings I didn’t say much, I just sort of observed while others planned and assigned stories. But soon enough I began taking stories of my own to write and coming to production, which is where I really began to feel at home. Despite the close-relationships of the editors at the time, they treated me like one of their own. I’ve had a lot of great experiences here at The Press and I was able to write about things that most college publications wouldn’t allow. It’s because of this editorial style that I eventually found my voice as a writer. I know that the things I’ve done at The Press are things that I’ll probably never get to do again in journalism and I’m happy I was given this experience early in my career. I’ve made countless friends and made enough memories to last a lifetime. Despite the sleepless nights, the
frustrations and all of the hard times I’ve gone through at this publication, my only regret after all this time is not joining my freshman year. For a long time, I was concerned about what the future had for The Press after I left. I was worried there wouldn’t be enough people who shared similar visions to my own to carry on the style we’ve strived so hard to keep. Now, I can safely say that I have the utmost confidence in the new editorial board and believe they’ll continue to bring you the same quality shenanigans Press readers have always loved. ¡Viva La Press!
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NEWS
NEWS BLURBS
BY IAN SCHAFER AND TAYLOR KNOEDL
NEW ATHLETICS DIRECTOR APPOINTED President Stanley held a press conference Friday, May 9 to announce the appointment of Shawn Heilbron to Stony Brook University’s Director of Athletics position. Heilbron, who formerly served as the Senior Associate Athletic Director for Advancement at Oregon State University, is slated to assume his position this summer. Heilbron replaces Jim Fiore, who was bought out of his contract with two years’ pay at the end of the Fall 2013 semester.
A press release sent to all students Thursday evening stated, “Heilbron will oversee Stony Brook University’s Intercollegiate Athletics program including selection and management of coaching and administrative personnel; preparation of long-term program and financial plans; development and management of the annual operating budget for the Department of Athletics; media and sponsorship contract negotiations; coordination and oversight of athletic facilities and 20 intercollegiate athletics programs.”
POLICE ARREST CAMPUS BURGLAR A student was arrested Friday, May 9 in connection to burglaries that took place early Thursday morning in Schick and Eisenhower Colleges on Kelly Quad. David Hyunwoo Im, a sophomore from Hasbrouck Heights, N.J., has been charged with second-degree burglary, criminal trespass and criminal possession of
stolen property, police said. The spree of burglaries took place early in the morning, with Im entering a total of five unlocked rooms and attempting to rob their occupants while they slept, police said. According to one of the victims, who is a campus resident assistant, the burglar attempted to steal her RA keys before she reported the trespass to the police.
STONY GOT TREES Stony Brook University has been designated as a “Tree Campus USA” by the National Arbor Day
Foundation. The university was recognized for its dedication to healthy forest management, sustainability and environmental stewardship. The effort was a result of the damage brought about by Hurricane Sandy.
Last Arbor Day, the university Sustainability Studies program was joined by New York State Senator Kenneth P. Lavalle in planting native trees on campus grounds. Over the past two years, Stony Brook has planted over 2,120 trees, saplings, bushes and perennials.
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NEWS
TAKE BACK THE NIGHT
BY RICKY PATRICIA SOBERANO
They may not wear badges of courage but their courage was worth recognizing. A moment of silence was dedicated to them this past Tuesday evening during the Take Back the Night event at Stony Brook University. Their characteristics fall in line with that of undercover agents: they could be with any race, age, gender or demographic. They may wear any piece of clothing, be as close to you as could be, but unless explicitly indicated, you would never know that they are survivors of sexual assault. Take Back the Night was a survivor empowerment event. The goal was to create a safe environment for people who were impacted by sexual violence. “It was nice to know how many people here care about survivors and their well being,” said Ashley Barry, a student at Stony Brook University who participated in Take Back the Night. Electronic plastic candles of various neon colors were held in the hands of participants during a moment of silence. They were the same individuals who, moments before, marched through the Stony Brook University campus carrying sexual assault awareness and antibystander posters, and filled the rainy dark evening air with chants of awareness. “The march and the vigil were empowering and inspiring,” said Barry. “It made me want to do more to help people on this campus feel safe.” The crowd consisted of the hosts of the event-the sisters of Sigma Psi Zeta, representatives from the Center of Prevention Outreach (CPO), Center for Womyn’s Concerns, Students Empowered Against Sexual Assault (SEASA) alongside the brothers of Nu Alpha Phi-and individuals who were
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affected by sexual assault directly and indirectly. The event focused not on the experience of being sexually assaulted, but the strength displayed by the survivors. “I am a survivor of sexual assault,” said Natasha S. Alexandro, who founded Natasha’s Justice Project whose mission is to end the rape kit backlog epidemic. A rape kit is the physical evidence collected from sexual assault victims when they decide to report the incident. “We celebrate that there are a lot of bad people but there really are a lot of good people out there. I believe they outweigh the bad ones.” Smita Mayumdar Das, the assistant director of CPO, and Marlene Gregory, a Stony Brook University alumni and Victims Information Bureau of Suffolk representative gave the opportunity for a group of six individuals, who were either a survivor of sexual assault or supporter to speak about their experience in a safe, non-judgmental space. The group discussed personal encounters with their violators, the media’s stories about sexual assault cases as triggers to victims, the process of recovery and the failure of the system to accommodate victims’ personal feelings when they go to report the incident. This system includes university police and other institutions. Victims are recommended to go through this system in order to try and fight for justice. April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month, with a public service announcement released by the White House against sexual assault on college campuses said, “If she doesn’t consent, it is a crime. If you see it happening, help her. Don’t blame her.”
“NEWS”
STANLEY’S LEMUR LOVE
BY TAYLOR KNOEDL
At the most recent Science on Tap, host Steven Reiner brought in lemur expert Patricia Wright. We found this a curious coincidence considering the recent surfacing of photographs of President Stanley with Wright’s lemur. We met with Science on Tap’s production assistant’s third cousin once removed who was nowhere near the lemur events taking place to talk about the lemur. Although not much was revealed to us during this interview, the most basic journalistic deduction presented the revelations for us. When the distant relative of the production assistant was asked if he knew how long the Lemur and President Stanley were seeing each other, she said “I don’t know who President Stanley is. Why are you talking to me? Go away.” This indeed confirms the rumors that President Stanley and the Lemur are in some sort of secret, gossip-worthy relationship. So let’s gossip about dis shit. Stony Brook University mascot Wolfie has been noted to appear a little saltier than usual. Though his face is a still mascot-head w i t h o u t animation,
students note something about his presence which shouts jealousy. We can confirm by this that Wolfie is clearly betrothed to the Lemur and is likely plotting some sort of irrational prank against President Stanley. We think it’s going to be fish in hubcaps. T h i s j e a l o u s y begins to build a somewhat incestuous love triangle, for Wolfie’s obvious lust for the lemur has sparked an emotional response from USG queer mascot Slothie. No response f r o m Slothie has been indicated as of yet but we are also certain t h a t Slothie’s creator, M a r i o Ferone, has involved himself in this political scandal, for that is his nature. N o response f r o m M a r i o Ferone has been cited, but keep an eye out for some passive aggressive poopspiration tweets!
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FEATURES
GOODBYE FROM DEAN STEIN
BY BETTY LO
Dean of students, Jerrold Stein announced his retirement from Stony Brook University this April. Stein has served the University for 38 years in several different positions. Stein held positions such as assistant director of residence life, quad director and director of residential education and programs before he became the dean of students, a position he has held for 12 years. Stein has seen the university change a lot during his tenure here. He said student life has drastically improved, including the addition of the Student Activities Center, to “enhance student’s experiences.” “When I first arrived in the Dean’s office about 12 years ago, Stony Brook had less than 150 clubs and now we have more than 360 clubs including cultural groups, sports groups, honors societies, and pre-professional organizations,” he said. He also noted the sports teams have been doing very well. His goal was always to be dean of Students, but he did not know it would be at Stony Brook, neither did he expect to work here for nearly forty years. Stein said he has seen how the student body has changed from decade to decade. “Each era was good for me because I changed with it,” said Stein. “I’m inspired by the students.” He still stays in close contact with many alumni. Stein was only recently done with college himself when he first started working at Stony Brook, which made it easy to understand the students. “When I first arrived, Stony Brook was a very young institution with no traditions,” he said. “Now everyone tries to wear red to show school spirit, and we also have events like Strawberry Festival.” Among Stony Brook’s traditions, Homecoming and Roth Regatta are Stein’s favorite. He enjoys seeing old students coming back each year for Homecoming. “Creating traditions creates a sense of belonging and brings people closer, like a family,” he said. Stein says he will miss working with the students as dean of students the most after his retirement, and students say they will miss him as well said Emma Lowery, a junior who 8
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works in the Dean of Students suites. “He’s very close with everyone in the office. Everyone loves Dean Stein. It’s going to be really different without him.” In a farewell message to all the Seawolves, Stein advised everyone to “be kind to one to another, support one another and protect one another.”
FEATURES
BRIT IN THE U.S.A BY ADELA CURAJ
As this semester and academic year is coming to an end, it means my year abroad away from London is too. Now would be an appropriate time to look back on what American college life has taught me, as well as mentioning random useful information about British stuff. Since the Harry Potter saga’s over, aside from Misfits and The Inbetweeners there aren’t many other recent programs doing the educating shown over here on the media front. To start things off, you may not know that some letters of the alphabet are said differently over there, but they are. The h in ‘haitch’ isn’t silent, for example, and our ‘z’ is pronounced ‘zed’ (this wasn’t the most fun difference to have in my statistics class). We do weird things like spell colour with ‘u’ and use ‘s’ instead of ‘z’s in words like ‘stabilise’. Also, pickle is called ‘gherkin’, eggplant is known as an ‘aubergine’ and we call fries ‘chips’ and potato chips ‘crisps’. That may be a lot to take in for now, so we can move on. This may be an insult to some’s intelligence, but it was news for others that the United Kingdom is comprised of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Also, we do love the royal family and have tea parties down the street when it’s a golden jubilee and stuff, but there are many people who are, in fact, indifferent about them, so we can’t actually share exclusive conversations being had in the palace. Something else worth mentioning is that American pop culture is highly prominent in our media, as well as everywhere else. It seems the world knows much more about America than America knows about the world. On a lighter note, we are seven seasons deep in our own equally trashy version of Jersey Shore based in Newcastle, North East England called Geordie Shore. The school systems are very different, but that’s an entirely different article. I have to note though, the opportunity to be a UTA and having them as a resource is something everyone should have. It’s also great seeing how much of the student body gets involved with clubs and organisations on campus. Nowhere else has Greek Life! I’m told there are sorority and fraternity chapters brought over to other countries, but it is a very unique thing and can be difficult thing to try to explain to those who are clueless. College life is definitely not what you see in Blue Mountain
State but it is what you make it, and I hope you’re making it a happy experience. Brace yourselves for a whole bunch of generalisations now, ‘Murricans. You guys do patriotism well. You guys also do narcissism well and yes, there is a way to be pleasantly narcissistic. Some call it charm and get away with it. You don’t do public transport well. It’s virtually non-existent on Long Island. I’m just grateful I was here for the 7Bus. You guys do caring about the British accent particularly well. I’m sure my accent has gotten me a lot of my friends here and I’m sure the other Brits here would agree, as would the Australians about their own. One FAQ is “does the way you sound aid in your mate seeking behaviour” aka “am I talking my way into getting booty?” There’s a simple answer here… yes. Even when you’re not interested, people just dig the accent. Another FAQ that usually follows the latter is “would people like your American accent if you came over to London?” Yes, they would. There would also be those that are nonchalant about it as well as those who hate Americans, but mostly yes. I’ve often been asked if I like America, which is a hard question to answer for multiple reasons, starting with how flipping huge this young country is. My take is that you don’t quite realise how big it is until you get here, and then you realllllly find out when travelling. I haven’t quite gotten round to seeing the whole thing, but from what I have seen I definitely have a list of places to see and things to do that I’ve added to my bucket list. This oddly wasn’t my attitude when I first got here. I didn’t have the ‘American dream,’ I actually just thought it’d be pretty cool to study abroad for a year. And don’t get me wrong; London is still my favourite city, but there is a lot of magic here. Especially in New York City. From the people to the sounds to the lights to finding out the steps in Times Square do actually close if you’re there late/early enough. Then there’s the pizza and the halal chicken and rice— ugh. It’s a place of business and dreams. Even all of the guests that I’ve had have left inspired. What started off informative now feels more like a feel-good article about where you call home. It was all your doing after all. Good shit, guys.
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CULTURE
PIZZA IS THE NEW HEROIN
BY CHARLIE SPITZNER
Lou Reed’s torch has fallen, and only one man was capable of picking it up and carrying it into the future. Macaulay Culkin and his gaggle of misfits performed live at Stony Brook’ University Cafe as The Pizza Underground, covering old Lou Reed and Velvet Underground songs dressed in matching black outfits and plastic sunglasses. Along with special opening guests Milk Dick, the force of their combined dairyness shook a crowd absolutely full to burst with alcohol and cold pizza. Righteous. Here are some moments from throughout the night.
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CULTURE
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CULTURE
BY TAYLOR KNOEDL
BY IAN SCHAFER In honor of Microsoft officially dropping support for Windows XP last month, I booted up the classic operating system from a USB drive to take a trip down a memory lane, which I imagine runs between the rolling green hills of the default desktop background. I remember when my grandfather brought home a new Sony Vaio in late 2001 and booted it up for the first time. The visual upgrade from Windows 98 blew my nerdy little nine-year-old mind. But if I thought the layout was pretty, just wait until I discovered the new and improved built-in games. No longer did I have to settle for Minesweeper, which I didn’t actually learn how to play until high school, or Solitaire, my grandmother’s mainstay. 3D Pinball. The hours spent racking up my high score, primarily when my elementary school class would go to the newly renovated computer lab, are some great memories.
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Upon booting from the USB, my gaming PC let out an audible chuckle at the operating system’s 3 gigabyte memory cap. Windows 7, which my computer normally operates on, utilizes the full 16 gigs and can take up to 192. Then, I looked down and to the left. I miss the days when my START menu was opened with a button that said “START.” That was one of my minor gripes when I originally upgraded from XP to the dreaded Windows Vista. My major gripes with Vista, such as its affinity for crashing and its poorly laid-out user interface were what made me revert right back to my beloved Windows XP, at least until the much-improved Windows 7 came out. After playing a few rounds of pinball, and remembering fondly the days of Counter-Strike 1.6, Warcraft III, and MySpace, I rebooted my PC, removed the USB drive and said goodbye, finally, to an old friend.
It’s a little late to bitch about Windows 8. I am aware of this. I’ve grown accustomed to having to find the floater that is settings in order to shut down my machine, or to ensure that there are desktop icons for Search, My Computer and maybe my virus scanner available. In time, as the adaptable creatures we humans are, we grow accustom to our environment—to our chains. Just like how Jaime Lannister learned to fight left-handeded or the fact that Majora’s Mask hasn’t been remade for 3DS yet; I’ve come to accept the fate that I suffer which is Windows 8. But what about that start menu button, so delicately nestled on its soothing ocean blue bar that extended the lowest horizon of my screen. It sat there with such consistency foregrounding the rolling green hills of the default background. My bottom left corner was reserved for convenience, not a floating mess of boxes that led to nothing but confusion. The start menu pushed in like a real button, and there I would find my Log-Off and Turn-Off (colored in yellow and red respectively in order to prevent the confusion of ambiguity). It had Search, All Programs, Run—everything a basic simpleton like myself (and most everybody else in this world who became subject to 8) could need in one place. What I’m saying here is that it was mad convenient and didn’t look like a dumb futuristic Mac. Like whatever; Mac is the future—fuck the future. I want my Windows XP—8 is a Mac wannabe, and that is not what I want to be.
CULTURE
HOT FOR HITCLIPS BY LINDSAY ANDARAKIS
From records, to cassettes, compact disks, boom boxes, portable CD players, iPods, iTouches, iPhones, and now Bluetooth, there were always HitClips. The most inefficient and pathetic way to listen to music, but the hottest gadget for nineties kids. Who remembers car rides to their grandparent’s house on holidays with their newest fake CD HitClip? Now you too could listen to your favorite thirty seconds of a song on repeat for an hour and a half! Whether it was “Bye, Bye, Bye” by N’Sync, or “Hit Me Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears, I’m sure you could drive your sanity away by the end of the car ride. They first
were distributed as McDonald’s toys to promote Timberlake and Spears, and earned Tiger Electronics an astounding $80 million dollars. Other popular HitClips artists included Smashmouth, Clay Aiken, Sugar Ray and, of course, Aaron Carter. After all, who doesn’t want candy? Like every technology, HitClips bit the dust and gave way to new and improved music devices, but we still shouldn’t forget how our young selves cultivated our current love of music.
END OF A PRESS ERA
BY BEATRICE VANTAPOOL
So, Press readers: You probably know Nostalgia Goggles as a column about something catchy and cool, like some old Zelda game everyone’s played a million times back in the day. We at The Press are losing two people that are pretty catchy and cool to us—our executive and managing editors, Jodie and Nick. (No, they didn’t die. They’re graduating.) You’ve known them as the people who, week after week, bring you a classy and super offensive issue of the Stony Brook Press. Now that they’ve passed the torch to their successors, we’re feeling a little nostalgic ourselves and wanted to do something special, so here it goes. If you’ve ever been in the vicinity of, well, the Stony Brook campus, you’ve probably heard Nick Batson’s laugh. Seriously, it’s booming. Here in the Press office it probably means someone suggested a
new “Stadiums of Shit” that’s particularly shitty, or “DRUGZZZ” managed to piss off another USG member. It happens often, but we’re missing it already. I’ve personally known Jodie since day one of our freshman year. She’s been our fearless leader for a while now; the mama bear to our band of misfits. She was (tried to be) the voice of reason when our ideas got a little too freaky and kept order when we got a little too loud. I’m going to miss her flip flops the most. We’ll miss the crap out of our editorz babiezzzz, and know that I’ve loved every second of being top four with the both of them. Also, I’m sobbing uncontrollably right now, sorry bye.
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CULTURE
THE BLACK KEYS’ TURN BLUE
BY TAYLOR KNOEDL The Black Keys are a power-pop indie-rock group. Just to make that clear, I say indie due to their roots, and say power-pop indie because they will be getting a lot of playage in Starbucks or Urban Outfitters. Now, the Black Keys used to be a blues-duo. Sometime around Rubber Factory is where I rubbed my last one out to them. Turn Blue has no grit, except an AC/DCish song at the end (does a cowbell constitute grit?). Power-pop Black Keys is what El Camino was. They’ve solidified that persona and added some David Gilmourian solos and shit along with that “classic rock” sound. I’m not going to talk in detail about the tracks on this album. It was soft-core and semi-ambient, as in
these songs held no distinction in quality from one another. It’s mad bassy (Black Keys stopped being a guitar and drums duo a long time ago), and there is an extensive use of keyboards that sound like spaceships played as an intro, which would scientifically be considered rhythmic. Also, Dan Auerbach almost exclusively sings falsetto. “We had it all when we were in our prime,” Auerbach sings on the track just before playing some AC/DC rip off (“Gotta Get Away”). Wut. Anywho; listen to the intro, skip da content. I’ve lost it for the Black Keys, but if you dig power-pop crap then it’s a pretty okay record.
IGGY AZALEA’S THE NEW CLASSIC
BY JULIANNE MOSHER
Female rap superstar Iggy Azalea debuted her first album The New Classic this month and fans will not be disappointed. After releasing several singles and music videos to get her name out, the Australian star made a name for herself with her debut hit ‘Work.’ Her colorful costumes and twerking ability coincide with her surprisingly interesting lyrics that range from female sexuality to partying, to the struggle of reaching a dream. The new album consists of fifteen tracks guaranteed
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to keep its listeners dancing and having a good time. Her accent gives off a cool and different vibe compared to most female rappers, and she can turn out her words almost as fast as Busta Rhymes. With lyrics like, “These valley girls giving blow jobs for Louboutins, whatcha call that? Head over heels!” You really can’t go wrong with this sassy, blonde Australian lady. Songs to definitely download: ‘Bounce,’ ‘Fancy’ feat. Charli XCX, ‘Fuck Love,’ ‘Black Widow’ feat. Rita Ora and, of course, ‘Work.’
CULTURE
BY LINDSAY ANDARAKIS
BY CHARLIE SPITZNER
Coldplay is one of the few bands that Chris Martin is one corny dude. continue to put out records that change “Die in your arms,” “give you my heart” the sound of their band, but fans continue - blahblahblah. These are phrases that enjoy. Despite the haters, Coldplay keeps have ceased to have any sort of real topping the charts. Their last album, meaning behind them due to how often Mylo Xyloto, the band’s fifth studio they’re used in hacky love songs like this album, introduced a more electric one. Maybe these lines might connect sound to their familiar alternative more and deliver some sort of lyrical POINT/ rock and current acoustic sound. Mylo OOMPH if Martin’s voice wasn’t as COUNTERPOINT Xyloto was created as a concept album, bland as a generic store brand Cheerios intended to be interpreted more like a knockoff. Now if a man like, say, Marvin rock opera rather than a regular studio album. Gaye with a voice absolutely dripping Their newest single, “A Sky Full of Stars,” from with passion were to sing this, THEN I might their upcoming album Ghost buy whatever this song is trying Stories, sustains the electronic, to sell me. Because the rest of layered sound. The song opens the song really isn’t all that bad. with a bold melody that echoes It makes good use of dynamics, throughout the song. Coldplay really builds to those electronic lyrics paired with Chris Martin’s bridges between verses (I don’t dreamy vocals are sure to melt think that the song actually has any girl (or boy’s) heart. “‘Cause a real chorus—the verses are you’re a sky full of stars, I want repetitive and similar enough to die in your arms; ‘cause you to each other in a way that they get lighter the more it gets dark. resemble a strange verse/chorus I’m gonna give you my heart.” hybrid more than anything else) This particular love song sounds a bit extraterrestrial, and the varied instrumentation does a good enough job of but certainly brings the listener back down to earth masking the fact that the song only has like, three different with its powerful and poignant lyrics. Their newest parts that continuously repeat themselves. Not a terrible album Ghost Stories, will be released next week. Other song, but without some kind of proper stimulant to go along singles including ‘Magic,’ and ‘Midnight’ have also been with it, like a visual going on underneath it or LSD, it just released on iTunes. doesn’t have the ability to hold my attention.
COLDPLAY’S “A SKY FULL OF STARS”
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CULTURE
MEETING AT THE MET
BY LAUREN KLEIN, RICKY PATRICIA SOBERANO AND JULIANNE MOSHER The Metropolitan Museum of Art made its yearly transformation from one of New York’s finest art museum’s to a glamorous fashion affair: the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala, aka fashion prom. This year, the Met’s Costume Institute was renamed the Anna Wintour Costume Center after Vogue editor-in-chief and director Anna Wintour. The day began with a ribbon cutting ceremony by none other than Wintour’s good friend First Lady Michelle Obama. Fashion’s finest, like designers Zac Posen, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein and other fashion favorites like Sarah Jessica
Parker, Victoria and David Beckham, Stella McCartney and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were in attendance. Later in the evening, the Met was transformed into a white tie affair. This summer the Met will be home to Charles James: Beyond Fashion until August 10. Check out some of our editors’ favorite celebrity Instagrams of the night.
No date, no problem. Stella McCartney girl gang is the only gang I would ever join. Left to right: Cara Delevingne, Rihanna, Stella McCartney, Kate Bosworth and Reese Witherspoon.
There is nothing I don’t love about this look. I cannot find a flaw. Can I just be Suki Waterhouse so I too can date Bradley Cooper? Model Suki Waterhouse in Burberry.
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Cara Delevingne came to play in an outfit that went against the “traditional” ball uniform of floor length gown that I absolutely loved. Some girls do wear the pants. Model Cara Delevingne in Stella McCartney.
One of the only attendees to actually wear a dress based on this year’s theme and not look absolutely ridiculous (cough, Katie Holmes, cough, cough). Model Liu Wen in Zac Posen.
Gisele Bundchen delved into the subtle sexy sphere and in my eyes made her more provocative than some of the other guests who showed more skin. Model Gisele Bundchen in Balenciaga.
Pin-up beauty queens and burlesque superstar, Dita Von Teese, shined like a true 1950s movie star on the red carpet. Model Dita Von Teese in Zac Posen. VOL XXXV Issue 14
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HUMANS OF THE MET GALA BY RICKY PATRICIA SOBERANO
As the stars of varying areas of entertainment gathered together for the biggest party of the year, last Monday’s Met Gallery, one buzz worthy guest attended for the first time. His own appearance was not highlighted by an intense photo op taken by paparazzi as those beside him endured. Instead, his attendance was noted when he featured other guests for what he is known for: Humans of New York Brandon Stanton, the man behind the camera, was able to capture the likes of Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston and his wife Robin Dearden inside the Met itself. He also caught singer-songwriter of popular song at the moment “All of Me” fame John Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen, who was featured on the cover of this year’s Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated. Finally, he documented Broadway and How I Met Your Mother star Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burtka. While the rest of the world focused on the couples’ cropped tuxedo selection, he focused on an anecdote told to him by his subject as he usually does on a day-to-day basis. Humans of New York looks a bit closer into the lives of strangers Stanton passes on the street in New York City. His presence brought a new perspective that others might not consider. At the end of the day, the guests at the Met Gala are still people with a story, and that is worth getting a closer look at.
CRIME OF FASHION
BY RICKY PATRICIA SOBERANO
Bad news is sometimes good news for businesses, considering publicity can either make or break a company. Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana were sentenced to 18 months in prison for tax evasion in Milan, Italy on Wednesday, April 30th. The duo are the masterminds behind the luxury fashion giant, Dolce and Gabbana. They plan to appeal once again after an attempt last June, but the process will potentially take months. Only time will tell what steps will be taken by the company in order to do well considering the potential future absence of their main designers, and it is unsure whether or not this development will cripple business.
18 May 13, 2014
ASK A SEMI PROFESSIONAL PERVERT: ON VIRGINITY
CULTURE
BY DAKOTA EYE
Q: “I’m an 18 yr old girl and I’ve been in a relationship for a week now with this great guy. We are very open with each other. He knows I am a virgin and understands I am not yet ready to do the deed so he is willing to wait. However, I cannot help but feel not good enough as his gf. When we are intimate, he pleasures me so well but I feel inadequate that I cannot reciprocate because anything more than making out is out of my comfort zone. He says I’m doing fine but I know he is not satisfied and I want to do more. How do I go about sufficiently pleasing him and not being grossed out or uncomfortable? I honestly want to make him feel great and not just good.” First off one unpopular opinion: virginity is pretty meaningless, and really shouldn’t be valued. He did some stuff to you? Well, that’s kinda like sex, so now it’s just
semantics. If you are choosing not to have PIV (penis in vagina) sex, or not fluid bond for a reason, that’s fine but please carefully think about why you are making these choices. If you want to get him off, the answer is gonna be something like sex. Handjobs are good, pretty low risk and easy to give. If you don’t want to use your hand, consider something like a fleshlight or tenga egg, a sex toy meant to be penetrated. It sort of simulates the feeling of sex. You can also grind, dry hump, or let him tit fuck you (lay back, squirt some lube on your chest and let him go to town while you press your breasts together). Maybe watch porn together or watch each other masturbate. Really, just do whatever seems fun, use a condom when appropriate (even for oral) and try not to dwell on a silly value system that makes people feel bad about humping. Bunnies hump all the time and we still love them.
Here are the numbers for campus services that can help keep you healthy: • Medical Clinic: 632-6740 • GYN Clinic: 632-6740 • Social Worker: 632-6740 • Health Educators: 632-6689 / 632-9338 • Pharmacy: 632-6804 Have a question for me? Email me at semiproperv@gmail.com or tweet me @ Semiproperv! VOL XXXV Issue 14
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THE PULL LIST
EDITION
BY SEAN FISCHER & IAN SCHAFER
Future’s End Brian Azzarello, Jeff Lemire et. al Ethan van Sciver, Patrick Zircher et. al Free Comic Book Day is one of the few opportunities throughout the year that publishers have to reach out to casual fans and younger readers alike. So naturally it makes sense for DC to promote its latest event book Future’s End with a bleak and apocalyptic issue, featuring its greatest heroes turned into disfigured cybernetic monstrosities who maim and kill. To its credit, the book already proves to have better pacing than Marvel’s lackluster Age of Ultron event series, which it shares a similar storyline with. Aside from that, it’s a disappointment on several levels. Despite the involvement of great writers like Jeff Lemire, Keith Giffen and Brian Azzarello, it’s only passable at best and largely uninspired overall. Even the character designs in this apocalyptic future are unoriginal and so over the top that they look like concept art deemed too edgy for even a Michael Bay Transformers film. Virtually the only indication that DC’s editorial is aware of its audience is the inclusion of fan favorite Terry McGinnis of the Batman Beyond animated series, who’s positioned to be central to the series. But even his physical appearance is awkward. It attempts to add dimension to his simple and sleek design, which makes him look out of place. It encapsulates how incongruous so many aspects of the book itself are. Unless you truly need to see what Wonder Woman looks like with her upper body grafted to a robotic spider-like bottom half, I can’t recommend this book, even if it’s free. P.S.- I want to fight whoever decided to make Frankenstein a villain.
Guardians of the Galaxy Brian Michael Bendis Nick Bradshaw Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy attempts to orient new readers whose interest was sparked due to the announcement of the film of the same name, while doing little more. The expository narration by Brian Bendis is serviceable and provides all the essential details for each of the team members, but it also disengages the reader from the action occurring on panel. Bradshaw’s art looks clean, and there’s plenty of action among some admittedly stylish layouts. It also manages to introduce the next big change in the lineup of the team through the inclusion of Flash Thompson aka Agent Venom. The most interesting part of the issue is the backup story that previews Jim Starlin’s newest collection revolving around Thanos. Despite the problems, it’s still a decent enough jumping on point for new readers, and changing Star Lord’s uniform to resemble how he appears in the movie trailer was a good touch to make it even
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Avatar The Last Airbender Gene Luen Yang Faith Erin Hicks Gene Luen Yang, the cartoonist behind American Born Chinese manages to write one of the most endearing and concise stories featured at this year’s Free Comic Book Day. If anyone can manage to create an effective analogy for the mistreatment of girls in the comic book fandom with seashell collectors, it’s Yang. Hicks’ art looks like a more innocent version of Becky Cloonan’s work with her expressive and fluid linework. It serves as a reminder that comics for a younger audience can be just as clever and poignant as works marketed towards older readers. The contrast between Yang’s story and the unrelated backups featuring other all-age titles by the publisher Dark Horse effectively showcases the range of genres, subject matters and art styles that the company is currently putting out for young readers. The biggest surprise of all came in the form of David Lapham’s backup story that involves a group of adolescents with the ability to shrink their size, and reads like an episode of The Sandlot if Smalls was replaced by a 13-year old Hank Pym. If anything, the main takeaway is that this book set out to tell an entertaining story first and market to new readers second, making it all the more enticing for new readers. The Tick Jeff McClelland Duane Redhead Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Stefan Petrucha PH Marcondes To promote their upcoming series of graphic novels based on the original team of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, Papercutz released an original story for this year’s Free Comic Book Day. The art is colorful and clean with a simplicity that fits the dynamic of the franchise’s freshman incarnation to a T, and Marconde’s manga-inspired style pays homage to the series’ Japanese Super Sentai origins. The script is somewhat cartoony and simple, but it evokes the early-90s children’s TV style it attempts to emulate well. If this issue, which aims to fill the gap between two episodes of the TV show, is a good indicator of the series to come then Papercutz might just have a winner on their hands, especially in the young readers’ market.
This was a nostalgic Free Comic Book Day for me between the Power Rangers and New England Comic Press’ offering of slapstick superhero The Tick, whose comic heyday was before my time, but whose animated series is a fond childhood memory. The Tick’s fourth FCBD outing pokes fun at numerous classic villains with the introduction of The Hoarder, who collects junk from all over the galaxy, including cities that he shrinks and bottles Brainiac-style. The art is crisp and cartoony, quite in line with the Saturday morning cartoon image of the Tick I grew up on, so I liked it. The script is a tad simple, but ideally the Tick should have the sort of humor that entertains the kids and takes on a whole new meaning with age, and it delivers on that. VOL XXXV Issue 14
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THE AMAZING SPIDER- MAN 2
BY JON WINKLER
Some movie studios are so desperate for box office success that they’ll pour money into promotion and star power, but leave the actual development of the movie last on their to-do list. The result can be rushed, drag in places, horribly acted, and run on nothing but half-baked or ridiculous ideas. This type of letdown can disappoint or even anger certain viewers, especially if the film is part of a reboot of a beloved franchise (which did not end on the highest of notes). So to all of the moviegoers who adored the action-packed, imaginative, and all around fun of Sam Raimi’s original films about your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, prepare for a rather stinging slap in the face. The Amazing Spider-Man 2, the second film in Sony Pictures’ revival of the Spider-Man franchise, is so silly and ridiculous in all the wrong ways that Peter Parker with an emo haircut dancing to jazz in a bar may be sorely missed by the viewer. Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) is graduating high school, madly in love with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), and is praised by New York City for his crime-fighting work as Spider-Man. One person who gives the web slinger a disturbing amount of fanfare is Max Dillon (Jamie Foxx), an electrical expert at Oscorp who is nearly invisible to everyone around him. When he is killed in an unfortunate (and, to be honest, ridiculously silly) accident, he gains the power to harness electricity and begins to terrorize a city that shunned him under the name Electro. On top of that, Peter deals with the return of his old childhood friend Harry Osborn (Dane DeHaan) and the concern for the safety of his girlfriend. Soon, Peter realizes that Oscorp may have more to do with him and his dead parents than he thought and is risking the safety of the ones he loves. What’s truly amazing about “Amazing Spider-Man 2” is its ability to be totally rushed in its 142 minute length, but also how it drags on and on with little to no excitement whatsoever. Spider-Man himself only appears in the film about 7-8 times in nearly two and a half hours. Meanwhile light is attempted to be shed on Peter and Gwen’s relationship, Electro’s back story, Harry’s back story, Peter’s life at home with his Aunt May (the always delightful Sally Field), and Peter’s investigation of his father’s science. The film is overstuffed with plot and characters that have scenes cut short or end up pointless. Accompanying these rushed scenes is awfully cheesy 22 May 13, 2014
dialogue (which apparently needed 3 writers to be this groan-inducing) and annoyingly fast editing. The acting can be horrible too, mainly from Paul Giamatti’s cartoony accent as Russian mobster turned robo-rhino Aleksei Sytsevich (thankfully, his screen time is short). Mr. Foxx has the right character as the obsessive fan scorned, but he just doesn’t feel right for the part on-screen, especially when he turns blue and dons a rubber outfit Batman would probably sue him for. DeHaan’s most famous role to date is his turn as the paranoid, emotionally unstable Andrew from 2012’s exceptional Chronicle. He basically has half of that character here along with a somewhat enjoyable hammy villain character, until he turns into the Green Goblin but looks like the Grinch. To the film’s credit, its male and female leads still have the spark that worked in the previous installment. Peter and Gwen have great chemistry, playing off each other and acting speechless around their own adorableness. It’s easy to see why Stone and Garfield are a couple in real life, because they have a spark that puts a smile on the face of any romantic. The special effects are also pretty impressive, with great shots of Spider-Man swinging around the city and pulling off aerial stunts against bad guys. Clearly this is where most of the money went (along with the constant product placement of Sony technology). But still, the little good cannot help the monstrous bad in this sour superhero sequel. Serious scenes are either too ridiculous to take seriously or just fall flat entirely. The suspension of disbelief is stretched to baffling proportions and the laws of science are scoffed at throughout the movie. The silliness in Amazing SpiderMan 2 rivals that of the equally disastrous Batman & Robin. At least the latter film can be enjoyed while pointing out its stupidity. Here, Spider-Man just disappoints nearly scene after scene with little to no fun, no suspense, and barely any investment in most of the characters. There are also moments the comic book nerds will not be too pleased about, but I’m sure the disappointment of Marvel fans means little to the filmmakers here. With two more films on the way, let’s hope Spider-Man learns to care as much about the audience as we do about his returns to the big screen. Until that great responsibility is taken seriously, avoid this movie at all costs. Final Verdict: 1 out of 4 stars
CULTURE
STADIUMS OF SHIT SERIES FINALE
BY DANIEL CASHMAR
Like a stomach problem brewing inside of you, “Stadiums of Shit” hasn’t come to fruition in quite some time but the dream was always there. However, I, your humble creator of this hit series, have decided that I would review one last bathroom before I disappear from Stony Brook, much like expensive food into a toilet. Let me just clarify that I am graduating and not dying. As I’ve always wanted an on-the-road edition of “Stadiums of Shit,” I have decided to review a gas station’s bathroom. I walked up to the bathroom door, which was of course locked and then had to walk inside. The man in line in front of me was like a caricature of a person as he was the only person I’ve ever seen ever buy “Horny Goat Weed” and also felt no shame in purchasing it in front of people. Whereas eyes are considered the window to one’s soul, the cashier’s dazed and soulless expression told me he had seen far worse horrors than a man trying to reproduce like his goat-esque ancestors. Finally it was my turn to speak with the man who quite literally had nothing left to lose in his life save for his own life, and I asked for the key to the bathroom. I was met with a strange juxtaposition as he handed me a key attached to a comically sized orange key-chain in the shape of a larger key, but his face was still drained. As I walked outside toward the bathroom, I wondered what horrors that man must have experienced at the gas station. The bathroom was actually refreshingly clean. It was a pleasant surprise until I immediately noticed there was only the empty brown roll of the toilet paper roll
and my task required me to sit down. I stayed standing there for a moment, calculating in my head the time it would take to drive back home and the likelihood that I could make it there and also have my own bathroom be unoccupied. The odds were against me in all scenarios. I sat down on the cold porcelain and shuddered, imagining all of these cartoon bandit germs jumping onto me. When my business call with the toilet had concluded, I sat for a moment, wondering what I should do. And like Obi-Wan spoke to Luke through the Force in his X-Wing to give him advice, I pictured the ghost of Stadiums Writer Past, Andy Polhamus. He said nothing but waved his hands in the direction of the brown toilet paper roll. I knew what must be done. After I concluded with Andy’s task, I thoroughly washed my hands as one does and then paused as I reached for the door knob. Did I want to ruin my perfectly clean hands by touching this door knob? I once again imagined those cartoon bandit germs just waiting for my hands to touch it. I kicked the door handle down, immediately realized I haven’t stretched my legs in years and pushed open the door to the sweet smell of gasoline. I returned the key to the man, wishing I could keep the plastic key-chain, and returned home. I’d just like to thank you all for reading Stadiums of Shit over the past two years or however long its been and I’d especially like to thank Andy Polhamus, Tom Johnson, Bushra Mollick, Siobhan Cassidy and Jessica Adamowicz for having the humor to write along side me.
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OPINION
THE FERRY THAT CRASHED IN TO THE DEEP WOUND OF KOREAN SOCIETY
BY JUN YONG AHN
It seems that it was not just the ferry that sank into to the waters with hundreds of passengers on board. The entire country lost its motivation. South Korea is now completely stopped. Turning out to be the worst nonnatural disaster in Korean history, only 174 passengers were rescued out of 475 passengers on board on the Ferry ‘Sewol’. Three weeks have passed since the accident happened on Wednesday, April 16, and too few survivors have been found on the submerged ship, which made the families of the lost ones, mostly high school students, more devastated than ever. 275 bodies were recovered and 29 bodies are still missing somewhere in the overturned ship. Fury and outrage swept the entire country as the survivors and the media told that the captain of the ferry and his crew members were the first ones to escape when the Coast Guard had arrived at the sinking ship. It is known that crew members told the passengers on board to stay inside the cabinet with their life jackets on until the rescue team arrived. However, the captain fled and hundreds were killed. It is common sense and morally acceptable that the captain and his crew members’ top priority is the safety of the ship’s passengers. The captain, Lee Jun-Suk and his crew members were arrested for further investigation. The action of the captain created a whirlpool of chaos. The whole country, unable to stand the innocent 24 May 13, 2014
death of hundreds of high school students who were on a school trip to Jeju Island among others, were filled with disappointment and sorrow. As the investigations continue, more and more human errors have been found; the ferry was overloaded with containers and illegally renovated. However, the people including the families waiting for their loved ones in the gym at Jindo, where the accident happened, were more outraged at the government’s reaction. Now, here’s what American newspapers didn’t cover. There is more to it than reporting about how many bodies have been discovered. President Park Geun-Hye promised to provide “all available resources” and that “a thorough investigation and stern punishment for those responsible” will be coming. However, people are blaming government for dealing with the situation so late. Government agencies, like the Ministry of Security and Public Administration, the Coast Guard, and the Navy gave their very best effort to bring back at least one survivor in spite of fast currents. The Prime Minister, Chung HongWon made a statement about taking all the responsibility and he will resign, but the president said managing and solving the situation was the first priority. To the sensitive, exhausted, and outraged people’s eyes, there was only the mistakes the government was making and an unsolvable mistrust prevailed. That’s how it is. The sorrow and sadness had been replaced by mistrust of the government. What’s even sadder is there was nothing citizens
OPINION
could do except pray. Many citizens volunteered to help the families and civilian divers gathered to help the Coast Guard and the Navy for fast and efficient work. Waiting and waiting, the nightmare seems to have no end. TV stations cancelled all the entertainment shows and soap operas scheduled, universities cancelled their annual festivals, and families cancelled their family trips. Due to the the anger and mistrust toward government, depression spread throughout the entire country making people unable to concentrate on their works and studies. “Every day, sad music is coming out of radio. There’s nothing I can do and I can’t stand it anymore,” one citizen living in Seoul, Korea said. T.S. Elliot once said, “April is the cruelest month,” but as searching for the bodies continues into May, known as Month of Families in Korea, turned out to be crueler than April. What’s exacerbating the whirlpool full of conflicts and problems is that the press and social media are beyond its ethical limits. The reporters seem to have forgotten the media ethics and social media is full of unidentified rumors and conspiracies. The newspapers and TV broadcasts are merely telling people about how many people have been found dead and the official reports from the government. Even worse, the reporters appeared out of nowhere and asked the survivors, who were shivering from the cold and utter fear, how they were feeling after their friends died. More unethical and painful coverage afterwards made Koreans outraged once more. The media had totally forgotten its role in the society. It was busy telling us what happened in Jindo, not all of it was facts. One interviewee was arrested for saying wrong things about the rescue process in the interview. Constantly saying “I don’t know what to believe,” with despair, Koreans were more confused than ever before, sadly admitting there was no one to trust. Along with the press, Facebook and Twitter, was the root of confusion. Messages from the students inside the overturned ferry turned out to be fake, causing immense disorder. Those responsible were arrested. Facebook pages uploaded huge amounts of unverified facts, rumors and conspiracy theories. That’s why Koreans were more exhausted and depressed when they saw the news coverage and heartbreaking post that certainly made families of the lost ones more shattered. The families in Jindo requested the press stop the overheated coverage competition and the rest of the Koreans to stop fighting on the Internet. People now calmed themselves and started to mourn quietly and attend the memorial services. The yellow ribbon, symbolizing the return of the missing ones, are now everywhere in Korea, even in the profile pictures of messenger, Facebook, and
Twitter. The yellow wave spread throughout the country. Holding yellow ribbons and candles, Koreans discovered the deep wound in Korean Society, which was small at first but is now deep and large and unable to regenerate. There were huge man-made disasters before, like the collapse of a department store and a bridge, a catastrophe at a subway station and so on, but government and citizens alike, neglected the first priority, safety, and forgot about the tragedy. People who are responsible for the accident, such as crew members, the employees at the company that made and renovated the ship, and businessmen in the marine industry have been arrested so far and prosecutors are still investigating. Bereaved families who were finished with the memorial service went back to Jindo to help other families who were waiting for their beloved sons and daughters to come out of cold water. As time passes, the families go beyond sorrow and outrage, and now just want the government to listen to what they are saying. This is the message from students of the submerged ship spreading out to the entire country. What if they were alive, if somebody just told them to jump out into the water. What if the society was healthy enough to trust its government? It’s just assumptions that will never happen. Remember “Sewol.” Koreans need to remember this catastrophic disaster in order to prevent it from happening again. It’s our job to do and it’s our future. It may be hard to admit it, Korean society is just like the ferry “Sewol.” It crashed. Just like the ferry, Korea lost its motivation.
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OPINION
SHEEZUS BE US
BY MAGGY KILROY
Lily Allen had the bad bitch title before most ladies knew they were basic. In her first album, Alright, Still, she helped us get over high school break-ups with “Smile,” then taught us to say “Fuck You” to intolerance in her second album, It’s Not Me, It’s You. So what I don’t understand is why everyone seems surprised that Allen is back at it with even more sass in her third album? After a four-year so-called retirement, Allen has returned with the pinnacle of lady anthems with her newest album Sheezus. Although she was pushing for an Easter Sunday shocker, the album dropped May 2 to some desperately awaiting fans. Fans have been patiently waiting for the feisty Brit’s resurgence onto the pop airwaves—a platform that has been lacking the twangy wit only Allen can bring. Sheezus has definitely quenched the Allen drought tackling the music industry with massive lady balls. She criticizes feminine roles in pop music defined by record labels. Before releasing the album she battled her own record label, Parlophone Records, for creative rights. While Allen intended “Sheezus” to be her break out single, they forced her to opt for radio-friendly songs. Because the worst thing that could happen to the controversial songwriter’s image would be to have her soft bluesy voice singing ‘period’ into car radios. In the past year we have seen several female artists try to break down the sexist wall that the music industry continually builds up in an attempt to make more money through division of the sexes. Beyoncé shocked the world with her self-titled autobiographical lady-anthem in the middle of December when she dropped 14 aggressively raunchy tunes about her new role as Mrs. Carter. Both ladies’ albums come after a stage of personal growth through marriages and children. They both belt out lyrics praising their own femininity as well as bashing those who try to subjugate women into sets of asses and tits. Where Beyoncé showed her lady-prowess in songs like “Flawless” and “Partition,” Allen says, “I’ve had enough of persecution and conditioning.” Her video for “Hard Out Here” had me really excited for Allen’s abrasive take down of the music industry, beginning with her laying on an operating table being jabbed by a fat vacuum with her chubby-faced agent 26 May 13, 2014
asking her “how does somebody let themselves get like this,” Allen embarrassedly retorts that she just had two children. The rest of the video has Allen gyrating alongside scantily clad black dancers as they are shown how to position their bodies so the camera can get the full effect of the booty-bouncing twerking. It’s a big ‘fuck off’ to the way women are told to portray themselves in order to make it in the industry. I’m sitting here with my women are #1 foam finger and unshaven legs thinking, “Damn girl, you go Glenn Coco.” It’s about time someone said it. Music is probably the most sexist industry out there. Even some of the most influential females on the music charts got there because they look great on camera. Here Allen has added a few pounds and wrinkles and looks better than ever. And she’s had it. What’s better than a bitch brigade blasting “don’t need to shake my ass for you ‘cause I’ve got a brain” from car windows? “Sheezus” has been criticized for name-dropping the other musical lady giants as a challenge for the female number one. However, Allen herself denies those allegations in a candid interview with Rolling Stone, “It’s completely the opposite of that, though. I’m saying that I want all of them to be Sheezus, and I want to be Sheezus too.” Allen is finally vocalizing every feminists’ exhausted argument for and against equality. I say against because what most people forget when they see a room full of estrogen complaining about woman’s rights is that we are not all equal. Yes, gender should be based on equality for all, but just because we have equal rights, respect, pay, etc. does not mean everyone is the same. Women like Allen have shown that sex does not define our position in society. Women can fall in love, have children and actually have careers. It’s a whole new world, people. Allen is just owning it. Allen waited four years to release a compilation of feminist rants as her snarky say on society’s expectations of female music artists, and yet her album still comes across as a watered down version of what we all expected. Although I think she could have gone further than these two lady-anthems, Allen’s Sheezus is one more for the Sheezus in all of us.
OPINION
THIEVES GUILD
BY CHARLIE SPITZNER
What prompts someone to steal? You’ll be hard pressed to find someone who’s made it to the top through theft; it’s hard, rigorous, risky and often times not worth the payoff. People don’t steal because it’s easy or glamorous; they steal because they need something and don’t have any other way to get ahold of it. Now ponder this based on the information we have: why would somebody steal something from campus dining? Simple: because somebody on a tight schedule might not have any other choice. Picture yourself as a student with a six hour stretch of classes laid out in front of you. You’re human, and humans need to eat some time. You take your hungry rear on over to the SAC and, guess what, there’s a forty-person line starting from the entrance and stretched aaaaaaallllll the way to the exit. You’ve got class in five minutes and there’s no way out of waiting! How could this have happened?! This was the only schedule available that fit your academic needs! It isn’t your fault that SOC 101, JRN 567, JRN 777 and JRN 619 all meet on the same day! So what are you going to do? You can’t wait on this behemoth of a line. But wait... it IS really crowded in here. There’s people mobbing you from every side and you can barely breathe, let alone reach for a soggy mass of french fries lying just out of reach. It’s chilly out today so you’ve got your jacket with the big pockets. Who would notice if you just reached over and threw a snack in there and got on with your day? Now your heart’s pounding, and the blood’s surging through your body like a full-on set of miniature rapids. “Nobody would see you,” your withering stomach says, pleading with you to hurry and finish the
dirty deed. “Please… do it for me?” You can feel the hunger in the pit of your stomach and it’s stretching out into all 10 of your fingers; your jaw starts to slack and drool is pouring out the sides of your mouth- is it worth it? Is it really worth it? Of course it is. Now you’re outside with your stolen goods. You wrap your lips around the stolen treat and hurry on to class. Did anybody see you? Do you really even care? At this point, the only thing that matters is that savory morsel of food sliding down your throat. Buck up, kid. You didn’t f a i l campus dining; campus dining failed you.
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COMIX
28 May 13, 2014
LITERARY SUPPLEMENT
Contributors: Liz Kaempf Colleen O’Connor Taylor Knoedl Diego Zelaya ElizabethJane Brenner Jamie Rusewiz Jiaqi Qian Robin G. Malamud Rabias Ghias Jenny Turano Christopher Stubenrauch Brandon Lopez Sydney Adams
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LITERARY SUPPLEMENT
HEAT
BY BRANDON LOPEZ I was always cold before we met. Even in summer, my shivering breath drifted away in smoky wisps. Life was icy misery. But you shared your warmth and made me better. When you’d lie on my chest—your red hair woven across my ribs like a Christmas sweater—I felt myself thawing. Soon, the frost that coated my bones poured, melted, from my fingernails. In a few years, we had springtime children, with neither their father’s wintry chill nor their
PERSONAL AD
BY BRANDON LOPEZ Male, Age 20
Likes: Jazz, David Lynch, and the quiet, rushing warmth of running water Dislikes: Eye contact and Twizzlers Hobbies: Poetry, regretting things I misspelled once in seventh grade Seeking Female, Age 19-21, who wakes up each day with a song she’s never heard playing in her head, who falls deep in love with a phrase someone whispered on the deli line; someone who’s rapt with the rebellious freedom of wasting potential, who’s both overjoyed and depressed at the same time, without knowing why.
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mother’s summer heat. And you made me a springtime man. But your summer turned to autumn as the heat left your body. One day, it turned to winter, and you froze. Love, you gave your warmth to me. But, now that the hilly terrain of your cheek has gone cold, now that your red hair has turned a snowy grey, I wish I could give it back.
BRANCHES
BY BRANDON LOPEZ
Coming home from the lab today, I saw a tree with a low dangling canopy. Curling downward, the crumpled paper leaves tumbled in loose spirals, like your hair used to do. Cracked brown bark looked back at me like those eyes that, long ago, gazed so intently into microscopes that amoebas and protozoans must’ve thought them
God’s. Coated in frost, with twisting hair and rusted eyes, the tree was just as you were when I last saw you, when you entered the chamber and never came out. Could I ever find a way to bring you back, to thaw suspended animation’s frozen grip on the arms turned to branches? Could you ever forgive me if I did?
LITERARY SUPPLEMENT
PHOTOS BY JIAQI QIAN
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GROCERY BAG
BY CHRISTOPHER STUBENRACH Today I’m as empty as a bag Filled with air and flying high, miles from The grocery store I once came from. Is there any shame? The nights are often chilly up here But by noon the graceful sun presents itself And the fog creeps on up over the mountainside And disappears once again. I often worry there’s no plotline on this journey Especially when I drift out over the cool endlessness of the sea But by dusk I’m sure to float upon a landmass that grabs me by the loops And until I come upon another ocean, I don’t feel so alone.
IN SILENCE AND SECLUSION
BY CHRISTOPHER STUBENRACH
I’m caught in a web of your love And there’s just no getting through it So I’m hanging out to dry in silence and seclusion I know there’s bigger things on the map But which way they lead begs the questions Of where I’m headed and if it’s too late. I’m caught again by the marshy fire The evening spire, the lipstick attire that begs the question Of when and where And to this day I can’t quite say If the world had loved or even cared. What a tragedy that the minutes pass on In silence and seclusion Rendering us bishops and knights on the great lawn that we stand Waiting to be moved, in the clutches of something bigger Once more in the clutches of love’s feeble hand.
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THE FEELING
BY CHRISTOPHER STUBENRACH Poisoned lips lie time and time again And can't get away from The Feeling, A lonely brand of love. We were two wings, perched high and unafraid Of the evils we once knew; We were two lines drawn on a curved map That had never before now been turned. And the lies, they save the frame of the moment From the shatter of the truth But they're no good for the long. The Feeling, a mysterious make of the mind, Is a reluctant resurgence, a cry of desperation.
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PHOTOS BY JAMIE RUSEWICZ
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DEPRESSION
BY ANONYMOUS
Depression is being stuck in an abyss you see no hope of escaping And the absence of hope is exactly what gives it sustenance So that it can continuously be supplied and flourish until your entire sense of reality is obscured Depression is the condition everybody seems to criticize rather than sympathize with Family members, friends, acquaintances all seem to think that simply thinking it away is the panacea to the plague As if the mind is completely easy to govern and intrusive thoughts could vanish away In a continuous stream that other people seem to hold the secret gate to Yet you’re imprisoned in your own island and can’t navigate its stagnant waters But the worse aspect is how predators sense your lowered sense of self-worth, Seeking you out as a scavenger in the hunt for a decaying carcass You’re propped up as a piece of meat to be displayed for the suitors you’re pressured to marry You’re caught in a bind, not wanting to disappoint the only people who have loved you But can’t help yearning for the progressive lifestyle you’re constantly exposed to in a cultural whirlwind exhibited to you in the glass cage of your depression …… You think you’ve found the one person who actually cares about you and could Sympathize with you They pay extra attention to you that supposed friends would relinquish, as if their appetite Was already satiated You want to conceal yourself in the isolated cocoon that was created after years of hiding From abuse and mistreatment But they constantly prod your shell, offering promises of carefree bliss and lighthearted Intimacy And you’re entranced by what seems to be a delicate and ethereal lift away from your Darkened cesspool of a reality You’re taken in by the illuminated rapture, even though you were so hesitant to succumb to them and withdraw from your chamber Then suddenly they cast you away, only to be another scavenger with a much more alluring façade They were only interested in deriving an ephemeral sense of pleasure, deserting you As if you are only an item to expend and discard And you suddenly plunge down to the murky cesspit of your reality, as if you truly Belong there In the seemingly inevitable and insurmountable confines of your depression
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PHOTOS BY DIEGO ZELAYA
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THE BOGUS DIARY OF A COLLEGE STUDENT BY SYDNEY ADAMS
I’m writing a diary about a college student, but I’m not in college. I’m the daughter of a plumber. His name is Mario. Or maybe, that’s just a dream I had. Yeah it was, which means I’m late for class. My roommate woke me up at 3 am last night with 7 vodka bottles in her arms. She was angry I locked the door, and she never has her room key cause she’s allergic to responsibility. I wore a Kingdom of Hearts shirt just to piss her off today, and took the rainbow to the campus hall, but when I reached the bottom and asked, “Where’s my gold?” the leprechaun pointed to the school and said to “embrace the metaphor.” I arrived in class and sat beside my buddy Medusa
who wears turtlenecks year round because she has a thing about people near her neck. Kinda like her cousin Mina. Anyway, I bring out my homework which I wrote on brioche, and my teacher gives me a C because he prefers it on rye. (And damn I should have remembered she prefers it on rye because the brioche was supposed to be my lunch and now I have rye, and rye has got to be the least attractive of wheat based foods. Like this man’s class.) But luckily I’ve got a spoon, and Medusa said she knew this stoner who always has tapioca packs to spare. So, I guess, we’ll share.
THE JOURNAL OF ACCOUNTANCY
BY SYDNEY ADAMS
I said no more. No food, no drinks, just dusty tomes and gum desk dalliances. I will refrain, from soulmates, so thoroughly smothered in infatuation they pass each other straight. Straight or Gay, Gay or giddy. Down and down, into the depths of a zone that is neither friend, nor friendly. Ah me, Impudent wretch or Great catch? Catch and hold me. But I tasted the ash, and I crunched the numbers. 1 in a million means I’d need 2 million, to find one like me. The Journal of Accountancy. I swear I won’t go crazy. Won’t scream when you pass grave, without a wave. I am a shadow, but must I Passover? Or lie beside the Tree? Ah me. The swarm that warms the Journal of Accountancy. The last time I saw it was 87, and it sat by a Fortune from 2011. Among 7ft high shelves, with 5 rows of Fortune, my name on the spine of not one, but a thousand.
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PHOTOS BY JIAQI QIAN
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COMPLAINT
BY ROBIN GOODFELLOW MALAMUD I need to take this body back to the mechanic’s shop: it’s leaking and making strange sounds. It’s hard to be ambitious when one has trouble getting out of bed or making food. I want to change the world for the better: redefine our culture into one of consent and autonomy. But how can I do that when I can’t even put away my books or make my bed? I compensate with online activism: help trend important hashtags, share articles I think are worth reading. But really, what I need is a new body fresh from the store, with all its parts working and a full tank.
I CAN WISH IT OTHERWISE, BUT I AM LEARNING BY ROBIN GOODFELLOW MALAMUD
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HOW TO CARRY ANGER:
BY ROBIN GOODFELLOW MALAMUD
Carry anger coiled tightly in your heart a ball python, cute except to mice coiled tightly like a spring on a catapult coiled tight, muscles before takeoff tight like a bowstring. Carry anger —— a beacon an olympic torch a lighthouse Make yourself elastic, slingshot; anger is useful, taxing but useful, anger limitless like pain, “just as you can love unendingly, you can be hurt unendingly.” Love and Anger, twins (doubles?) reflections seen through a diffraction grating, carry love up your sleeve (later you might need it; anger drains you slowly, baby.)
There is a limit to how much I’m able and willing to handle I am not the immortal bamboo or the cockroach My body is not tireless my feet can grow heavy My brain can ache with the weight of a thousand decisions. I can wish it otherwise but I am learning To stride, bold, until I must rest and then to rest, unapologetic To breathe a thousand airs, softly and to let the blanket settle over me at night and to forget the thousand chores undone and the world, still broken.
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IN DEFENSE OF OTHER WOMEN WHO HAVE LOVED THE WOLF - MAN I can also remember staring up at a monster
BY COLLEEN O’CONNOR
Who, only a few moments prior, Had been a perfect gentleman. Not knowing what did it Not knowing how to undo it But thinking, “Please, I love you, I love you, I’m sorry. Change back.” And how frequent the moons were That made his face lengthen
Making him clench his fists with lycanthropy.
And made him long in fang
What other women stand beside werewolves Draping our coats over their naked human shoulders
Until I began to think that he was being stalked By some kind of lunar interloper.
And whispering words of encouragement,
Standing in line with him at the store
“We still love you, it’s not your fault you were bitten,” (Bitten by parents, by pastors, by teachers in private
And there it is again, That full moon, miraculously indoors somehow,
When you were young and vulnerable) And we hid the bite marks and scratches you gave us With cardigan sweaters and scarves in summer And wondered to ourselves, If you put a sickness into our blood That would linger in us long after you left. If we too would eventually feel the pull of the moon, The fur creeping up our necks, Our teeth lengthening in our jaws. VOL XXXV Issue 14
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SOMEONE’S GOING TO THINK THIS IS DEEP BY COLLEEN O’CONNOR
Our language is a genomic code, and the letters tumbling past our lips are twenty six chromosomes re-coding themselves unzipping and rezipping so when I say “I love you,” the words can come out perfect the sentiment can be delivered, fully-formed and hang there in the air as I look up at you and wonder what will become of this phrase I’ve birthed, “I love you,” and if it will survive in the flesh-and-blood world now that it’s been expelled from my mind where it has gestated for five months. More importantly, though, and what made me think of this, is that there is only a letter’s difference between the French phrase for “Love at first sight” BY ELIZABETH and “cumshot.” My watch is gone, the mirrors are fogged, Closing time is an hour away Nothing but tears Are left in the beers With stuffing falling out of the chairs
I WANT A REWRITE
JANE BRENNER
Pretty, too much...is all I have left, pretty much someone they all forget alone in a room with horns on the roof, but I can't seem to stay away Knives on the floor have shattered my soul and the prices have left Lines in my scars And everything I am not, just won't fade away I walked for a few blocks Silent among the laughter of the street, I turned down avenue 2 That you didn't notice did you? That I slipped away Put my phone on a stoop My watch tied in a loop of some poor man's cardboard box. I went where the train never stops Return to a life where I'm pretty much someone to forget
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TROUBADOR BY LIZ KAEMPF
It scares me that someone so young can look so tired The lines in your face wind like all the roads you’ve travelled Worn down to the point that it’s hard to tell if you’re lost or giving up But there’s a certain charm in your restless eyes and it makes me want to keep you awake for much too long
GATSBY AND GRAVESTONES BY LIZ KAEMPF
I don’t know what the afterlife is like Maybe glam Gatsby parties or quiet Plato forum discussions Do we get our own heaven or hell? Are we secluded, or crowded? I appreciate the idea of visiting a tombstone If just for a small while you get to keep someone company that maybe doesn’t have company A brief talk with someone who never talks (anymore) And I want to visit every grave and speak with people I’ve never known will never know and it won’t matter if they were good or bad If only just for a while they can matter to someone just one more chance to matter to someone
A MAT TER OF TIMING BY LIZ KAEMPF
What if we wrote the ending to the story first? Not knowing the start, no plot devices. We could choose to avoid the long-winded talks, the labors, the wonders, the heartbreaking confusion, the desire and passion. Spare ourselves pain, or fast-forward to equal affection. If we could know how our story would play out, would we skip the journey and head right for the outcome? Or would we continue on a path that might lead to destruction simply for the sake of adventure? VOL XXXV Issue 14
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LOVE POME BY TAYLOR KNOEDL you make my heart explode when I look yr face too long I can hear the blood splash on my ribs I stab out my eyes for I can’t bear to see anything but you & I don’t see you too often
( UNTITLED) BY TAYLOR KNOEDL
Wind blow a tree, it creaks What does a tree tell me? Lots of stuff
WINTER
BY TAYLOR KNOEDL My neck is hurt, my wrist Is hurt—bite me; Winter’s cold
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WINEACHES BY TAYLOR KNOEDL
O’ wineaches! The pains I bare which echo my mind To inspire the poet in idlery These pains I share with saints of old-time We revel in red—in the power of red It fills! It fills the glass & thought The glass is filled with thought! & we drank till our ideas exhaust Just sat alone in a state Of most bachelor The lonely typist has no art to make But of wine? He has more! Drink the nite till the ideas become without decipher Ungraspable clouds of brilliance That don’t long for translation & let me do my praying In Shakespearean “my waggling tongue who hath no ear I beseech those who hear --I am a poet composing sonnets Tunes to which I hold dear But dread! There are none who are near! So why tell? I am weary & as for the wine? I drank all of it! How’s that for verse? You son-bitch”
DHARMA CAT BY TAYLOR KNOEDL The cat climbs to the top of the screen Never worrying how he Will get down But he does everytime
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HARD ROCK ECSTACY BY RABIA GHIAS
It’s the feeling of excitement, It’s the aura of enlightenment That comes when you seek the thrill For your little void mind to fill. It’s the colorful patterns that whirl around your head Pulsating with rhythms as hard as lead. To better times your mind will retrogress As it indulges itself in its sheer prowess. And then the kaleidoscope of pure bliss That you’ve dealt with Makes you feel like your soul has just Melted.
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