Issue #10 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

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TICKETS AVAILABLE @ LOTUS ORGANIC CAFE, THE WORKS, CENTRAL SKATEBOARDS, and INTICKETING.COM

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PO Box 1196 Arcata, CA 95518 savagehenrymagazine.com email: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Lovebug Junkie: Sarah Godlin necRomancer: Josh Duke For the Love of Money: Chris Durant Lover, not a Fighter: Monica Durant Amazing Cover Artist: Sonny Wong So. Hum Bureau Chief: John Hardin Movie Guy: Zack Newkirk Music Editor: Ben Allen The Shoechucker: Choada Salinas Our Barbara Walters: Dr. Foxmeat First Set of Eyes: Ryan Hurley That Guy: CJ Stewart

Just like that rollercoaster, weightless-stomach feeling you get in the throes of a new relationship, the “Love” edition of Savage Henry is here to make you feel all brand new. Some have painted us here at the magazine to be haters, just sniping at things we don’t understand in an effort to get cheap laughs. On the contrary. We’re lovers. Lovers of humor, lovers of predicaments, lovers of this odd-ball community known as Humboldt County. And we are lovers of our readers and sponsors, without whom we’d just be sitting around camp fires and trim scenes waxing philosophical on subjects like “The Moral Lessons from ‘The Facts of Life’,” and “Rick Rubin, the factors of defness.” So as you share these special days of Black History Month with a loved one, please know you’re holding in your hands the fattest Savage Henry to date (that sounds like a euphemism for something I really don’t want to know about). So from all of us here at Savage Henry Independent Times international news room: We love you (just superficially, we don’t want to mislead anyone). Chris Durant

This is a Parental Warning Hey kids, come help me look for my puppy. I’ll let you read a Savage Henry.

Savage Henry is a stupid adult magazine... There might be content in here not suitable for the people who came out of you recently. If a person came out of you less than 16 years ago, you might want to keep this stupid magazine away from them. Letters to the Editors ��6 7 Signs the Apocoplypse Will Hit in 2011 ��8 Creative Date Idea. Your Welcome ��9 What You Don’t To Hear After Saying “I Love You” ��10 Carbon Footprint of Your Orgasm? ��11 101 ��13 Where the Hell in Arcata am I? ��14 Restaurant Review ��15 The Time I Hung Out With ��17 Mindless Self Indulgence andf Loathing in Idaho ��18 A Conversation with Daniel Johnston ��20 Ben’s Ten ��22 Album Reviews ��23 Great Salvation ��24 Yosemite Sam’s Family Tree ��27 That’s All There Is To Say About That ��28 Flowers by Frank ��33 Steve Agee is Radical ��34 More Jokes You Haven’t Heard Before ��35 The Shoechucker ��36 The Love Application ��39 How I Finally Brok Down and Held Hands With My Old Lady ��41 4 Things to Spice Up Your Sex Life ��43 Catty Mean Girl ��45 New Phonetic Code ��46 Android Apps for the Lonely Hearted ��47 In The Beginning, Anything Can Happen ��49 Love Poems ��51 On The Money ��52 What Your Salad Dressing Says About You ��54 Savage Henry News Wire ��55 EavesDroppings ��56 Craig the Clairvoyant ��57 Savage Graphs ��58

Contributors: Milo Schumpert’Appel, Dutch Savage, Mr. Squirrel, Matt Ashworth, Craig the Clairvoyant, John Elderly, Benito Carlo de Leon, Rob Seltzner, Devon O’Leary, Nuno Amaral If you think you’re funnier, pitch an idea. But don’t expect to get paid. Who’s laughing now?

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Dear Author,

Letters to the Editors These letters are all real. We didn’t say real good, but written by real people. Not us. We swear to Jesus. I am so pleased to find that my many-talented and multifaceted son-in-law, Chris, has finally chosen a single field of endeavor to support my daughter and all their various progeny. Imagine the pride I felt to find that this socalled magazine, Menacing Hank or whatever it’s called, has been legitimized by a reference in Wikipedia. Chris, did you know that almost anyone can edit a Wikipedia reference? Mwaaahahahahaha!!!

Other Ed (not Chris)-I know! Cool, huh? We found that out when we edited the old Savage Henry Wikipedia age to include ourselves! Dear Editor, I really appreciate the “Palindrome of the Month”. These have been consistently funny and well done since Savage Henry’s inception, and the graphics are always great! This feature alone makes Savage Henry worth the cover price. Sincerely, Robert Rebor from Redbluff

Fuck ur email is long what up... first off is the world wide web so strapped for web page emails names that you cant have your email @savhenmag.com or at least something easier to type out then the whole title of your mag... or should i say magazine. basically the whole reason i got on this computer was to say you guys are just contributing to dumbing down of society. seriously think about it. ----- BIG D (for all that know me)... sucka-dick for all that dont!

who’s Ed note - Coming from the guy e five more complaining about having to typ who spells letters in an e-mail address and Big D. “your” ur. Thanks, duly noted Letters to the Editors - continued next page!

Please feel free to address any concerns, comments, attitudes or props to our editors at: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com or PO Box 1196, Arcata, CA 95518

All perspectives are welcome.

Because it’s Valentine’s day, there’ll be a lot of things goin’ right for us girlfriends. Yay! AND, that doesn’t mean we’ll be forgetting recent wrongs, aka, misinformation. It is evident from a specific article in beer issue #8, the author may not have a girlfriend, but I’m a girlfriend and these are my first-hand observations which may be useful: So, why is beer better than a girlfriend? Good question, (I was being polite, that is really a stupid question) let’s look into it. A girlfriend gives bjs. Go ahead, stick your dick in the cold neck of a beer bottle, you don’t have a girlfriend around to advise you not to. Maybe it’ll be ok. Secondly, what are you thinking? Why are you thinking in a misogynist binary format? (Weren’t you the one bitching about how Savage Henry should clean up the “grow-ho” language, so it won’t be so lady-hatingish?) Constructing this either/or dilemma is way unnecessary. How about chillin’ with your girlfriend and a beer? Many a good time has been had by crackin’ one open with my lover. You might find a few perks can come from the both/and kinda thinking.

Lastly, Welcome to the 21st century! What is up with the hackneyed description of how tiring a girlfriend can be? We ladies can’t get away with that shit anymore. Misogyny and capitalism (thumbs down ) have created a very competitive world for us gals, and as communication is getting easier, it is becoming more important to be a decent and interesting, charming human being. Welcome to the 21st century! Grown up girlfriends need alone time too; where we bury ourselves in a weekend of playing video games with beer as sole companion. Welcome to the 21st Century! There were a lot of assumptions in your previous article suggesting girlfriends are allergic to fishing, football, staying out ‘til 3am, heavy metal, taking out the trash, etc., which lead me to come to girlfriends’ defense. Shit. I scratched off half that list last week. Beer is great and I am glad you devoted time to honor it. Girlfriends are awesome. Period. Welcome to the 21st century! Yours, Heather Malloy

From a girlfriend who is dating a beer lover, I can confirm positive affects mixing love and beer. Beer + lover makes girlfriends happy and happiness can take away a lot of apprehensions…(if you don’t know what I mean, then stop reading, rip this page out, read the back ‘cause there’s probably something really funny on it, and send it to a grownup lady of your choice. She’ll break it down for ya.) This is not to say that the only reason to hang out with your girlfriend is to get something for yourself, but at the same time, if you are getting more satisfaction from a beer than from a sexy woman, why are you dating?

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7 Signs the Apocalypse Will Strike America in 2011 If you’re down with Coast to Coast, the Book of Revelation or a certain ancient calendar, then you probably believe Planet Earth will log off for good some time in the year 2012. But what you didn’t know was that the Mayans failed to account

for leap years, George Noory has just ditched his radio studio for an underground bunker, and — perhaps most alarmingly — all those batshit-crazy Bible prophesies they terrified you with in Sunday school? Well they’re all coming true. *Right now.*

Self-Foaming Hand Soap Sloth has consumed the West. Don’t believe us? Exhibit A: In 2011 America, we’re too decadent to lather our own hand soap. Next thing you know, we’ll have self-flushing toilets and DVD players built into cars! Oh, wait.

BK Quad Stacker

It has precisely four slices each of bacon, cheese and hamburger per serving. Was this mountain of cow meat custom made for the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse? Believe it: The Burger King drive-thru just revised its policies to allow customers on horseback.

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann

The Book of Revelation posits that “a Great Harlot who sits on many waters” will destroy “new Babylon” in the end times. Just guess which state this strictfundamentalist Congresswoman happens to represent. Sure enough: The one with a butt-load of *lakes*. How will Bachmann destroy the land of Milk and Honey? One clue: She’s barnstorming Iowa as this issue goes to press.

So don’t make any flight reservations for 2012. Because somewhere Michael Stipe is preparing to sing his ass off (and he feels fine).

YouTubeDoubler.com

An archaic translation of the Mayan Calendar states that on the Eve of Destruction, a “babbling two-headed serpent” will emerge. “Great flocks of peasants,” the ancient script foretells, “will flock to its gruesome bicameral alter.” Translation: The masses will be entertained by viral videos of McNugget-devouring children being serenaded by Journey. Ergo, the monstrosity that is YouTube Doubler.

Gauged Earrings

The collapse of the Mayan Empire was not due to Spanish colonization as many historians claim. Rather, the ancient regime fell because of currency collapse: Their stores of precious metal were depleted in order to meet the high demand for gauged earrings and other male body adornment. Think it couldn’t happen here? Tune in to Jersey Shore and get back to us.

Pat Robertson: “Legalize Marijuana.”

Creative Date Idea. (You’re Welcome.)

Sarah Godlin, staff Unless the person you are trying to lay is all outdoorsy and adventurous, it’s hard to create an exciting new date spot to trick her/him into thinking that you are clever and out of the ordinary. You are pretty ordinary and you will probably go eat sushi (which is ordinary now, too). I bet I can name a little snack joint where you have never eaten, that will impress your victim into believing that you know all the strange little spots in the area and that it is wise, for novelty’s sake, to keep you around. Take this person to the Foggy Bay Café at Murray Field and she/he’ll be all “Wha? Huh? Wow! The person who drove mehere is not your average schmo! Schmos are never this creative!” Now I’m not saying the food is incredible. It’s a true snack joint; burgers, omelettes, etc. I’m saying that the uniqueness of the place will be dazzling enough to stick your foot in the door or even to delight a tired-of-you spouse for half an hour. Your ideas about how to do this in the past were bad. I will save you the embarrassment and not bring up what your spouse thought when you brought the harness home. Suffice it to say that it didn’t delight. There is one mistake you might make using my suggestion, though..... Beware: Harold: I have a big surprise for you, Betty! Betty: Really? Oh Hal. Are you taking me to sushi for our anniversary? Harold: No way. Sushi is ordinary now! I have a unique little date planned to delight you into loving me again!

“The person who drove me here is not your average schmo!”

(Then Harold turns in to Murray Field and the burger that he buys Betty just lies there in her stomach on top of the letdown from the burst of excitement she felt when, for a split second, she thought Harold chartered a private plane. Harold is kind of a schmo.)

Dogs and Cats Sleeping Together? Hi, it’s nice to meet you: You’ve just been served by America’s favorite religious whack-job taking up the cause to legalize the dank.

The New Ice Age

In case you hadn’t noticed, America is in the grips of its coldest winter since Neanderthals were last spotted riding around on Woolly Mammoths. Just remember: For greater igloo stability, offset the bricks of ice while building your new shelter.

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the carbon Footprint of Your Last Orgasm? Once again singles awareness day rolls around and millions of people are reminded of their inability to sustain romantic relationships, if they could establish them in the first place. Others are reminded of their inability to afford fancy dinners and diamond necklaces for their current love interests. A few of us, however, take the coming of Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to do something romantic, sweet, or percievably selfless in hopes of getting ourselves laid once in a while. Some of us succeed.

What You Don' t want to hear after you say “I love you" Excuse me, what’s your name again? Thank you. I swear to God I’ll do it! That’s nice. Is this the first time you’ve been incarcerated? I’m gonna need another shot. I like you too. Stay away from my mother, asshole. You’re closer than 50 yards, buddy. ¿Qué? [Running, car door slamming, squealing of tires] No, you don’t. That’s gonna cost you another hundred an hour. This is the best airport bathroom ever! Are you sure about that? What I asked was how much have you had to drink tonight?

Every once in a while someone is conceived on Valentine’s Day. Lots of couples, on the other hand, try to avoid this. They use a variety of methods. Some hope for the best. Others prepare for the worst. Some protect their current lifestyles and lack of responsibility with a physical latex barrier shipped across the Pacific Ocean from rubber tree plantations where tropical rainforests used to be. What was the carbon footprint of your last orgasm? Others prefer a more convenient pharmaceutical alternative. It is a milestone in American cultural achievement, symbolizing feminine independence, a driving catalyst of the sexual revolution and the most advanced tool we have in stabilizing the global population. It is the oral contraceptive pill. There is, however, a problem. It’s not that God will strike you down for using contraception, or that it encourages recklessly promiscuous behavior. The user herself will probably never see the unintended effects of the synthetic hormones that pass through her. Nor will her boyfriend who receives all of the benefits without the slight medical risk and financial burden. Scientists do. Biologists do. They see a bizarre “feminization” of freshwater, aquatic animals. Synthetic hormones make it intact through the body and down to water sanitation facilities. These marvels of modern hygiene can clean a lot of things out of water, but don’t filter out a lot of chemicals left from artificial human drug use, both pharmaceutical and otherwise. The water becomes far less dirty, but it is not clean. It’s released into fresh water habitat, where fish and other animals live.

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Milo Schumpert - Appel, contributor

A full grown male fish has been shown to be safe from this feminization. He’s not going to have a mid-life gender identity crisis. His offspring, in areas downstream from wastewater treatment plants, are becoming disproportionately female, affecting the reproductive capacity of future generations. Additionally, not all those perceived as males can fully be perceived as such. They look male. They compete with other males for spawning grounds. They have male sperm pouches, but there are eggs within those. Early exposure to feminine hormones contributes to fish developing both male and female organs, “inter-sex” as they call it. Some populations have been decimated as they cannot effectively reproduce.

This is, however, only one form of pollution from pharmaceutical drugs passing through our bodies. There’s plenty of traces of cocaine and erectile disfunction medication in the water, not to mention agricultural and industrial pollution. So why focus on oral contraceptives? because it’s a decision that practically everyone will have to make at some point in their lives. This doesn’t mean that people should stop taking their birth control in droves. The last thing the planet needs is unchecked population growth. What people need to do is seriously consider alternatives. Multitudes exist, each with their own advantages and drawbacks for you to discuss with your partner. Sexuality, being a driving force of the ‘60s counter culture revolution that helped stimulate the modern environmental movement should not be off the table in our move toward cleaner living. Let eco-friendly become eco-sexy. I knew there was a reason I didn't throw it out.

ng Bopairs Re

1.Clean it. 2. Bring it to Mirador Glass. 3. Enjoy it.

1590 Nursery Way #5 839-0909 Adjacent to NHS in McKinleyville

We Deliver! bigpetespizzeria.com

This Months Episode

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Where the hell in Arcata am I?

Restaurant Review TONI TONI TONI’S has number ONE it again

A You see these when you replace strings.

E If you’ve been here a while, you probably partied here.

G Indoor tree

B Strangest restaurant art ever.

C Rockstar... into metal.

D The door that stops the Axe from spilling into the street. 14

F Butt can for the NKOHB (new kids on H Block)

H Read a newspaper, eat a gravlax.

Answers on page 25!

Where to begin? A cursory perusal of the menu will tip off any greasy spoon aficionado. You are about to embark on a foray in classic truck stop scarfin’. The random plural “BURRITOS” when it is clearly a singular item; The “KORN” dog. You just know that if the kid who pulled that one off could have gotten the “R” printed backwards he totally would have. Of course it is a cashonly establishment with one of those funky ATMs that makes it seem like you might be contributing to terrorists with your eight dollar transaction fee. TONI’S #1 has your standard truck stop fare: Cheesy chili burgery stuffs and home made onion rings and all that jazz. Before we get too far though, there is a dark cloud hanging over this whole piece that I feel I must address: LORD OF THE RINGS PINBALL. Once upon a time there was a Lord of the Rings machine at TONI’S #1 but no longer. Replaced first by (urgh) Batman Forever, then Pirates of the Caribbean (yuck) that is not even a pinball machine! This seemingly simple change has totally disrupted my TONI’S #1 visitation frequency. I find it much harder to get the momentum to make it all the way out there. What, you may ask, has happened to the Lord of the Rings machine? I hate to say it, but several letters to Rendezvous Music and Vending have alluded to its presence in the clutches of Mordor... er... Eureka. Who wants to go to Middle Earth by way of Eureka, CA? I think the Digger would be a much more appropriate home for such a wonderful machine. That being said, the pinball machine at TONI’S #1 does have a wonderful little alcove it resides in that really gives you the feeling of playing pinball within the womb of a petrified rhino mother. ANYHOW, I would recommend getting a hot dog, footlong, generic toppings. I asked if they had horseradish and they looked at me like I was Obama asking for mustard at a Tea Party Picnic. That is my kind of digs. “Just eat what the heck we give ya.” I am exaggerating but you really get the feeling that this place is a well-oiled machine that tolerates little variation. Maybe well greased would be more on the mark.

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Dr. Foxmeat, staff Don’t look for the “FISH SANDWICH” it’s a “FISH BURGER”... what a great grouping of words. This place has it all including the county’s classiest Claw machine, OAKMONT! It’s actually called “OAKMONT” with fake stained glass and everything! TONI’S can be a little tricky to get to. It is clearly visible off of Giuntoli from the 101 when heading north but finding it once you exit is a little bit of a task. Get a Google map you Frankster! Here is the address: 1901 Heindon Rd. Arcata Ca, Usa, Earth. Guess what their hours are? All 24 of ‘em!! That’s right you drunk college kids! Spend all your parents’ cash on Bacon Swiss Burgers and Rhubarb Pie! Buy me a milkshake so I can bring all the boys to my yard! I give TONI’S nine out of 12 PBRs in its current state, 11 when the Lord of the Rings pinball comes back.

Rating: 9 out of 12 PBRs

Annie McNerney celebrates the presence of the Lord of the Rings Pinball machine in better times.

erwise interesting restaurant Share your good, bad, strange or othrea ders. We ain’ t promising reviews with other Savage Henry a pict or two. We reserve any thing, but send it in. Throw in ling ure such. and the right to edit for spel enr ymagazine. geh sava or@ PO Box 1196, Arcata CA 95521 ~ editvagehenrymagazine.com com ~ or submit online @ www.sa 15

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That Time I Hung Out With ….

CJ Stewart, contributor

Hanging out with Dr. Dre was fresh yo. I basically shared my beat making formula with him, and to say he was impressed would be an effing understatement, dog. We rapped about some shizznit and he said, “Hell yeah” a bunch, you know what I’m sayin’? I asked him for a cameo on his next album and am still waiting for a response. Snoop D-odouble-g was there too, but I’ll save that for next month for shizzel.

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from partying all night after I had fallen asleep. So after another wasted night, Ben decided that he’d had enough of Idaho and wanted to return to Arcata.

Devon O’Leary, contributor At times it feels as though my own personal journey to find the elusive concept known as “love” has been so fraught with embarrassing missteps and failure, that my life has been nothing more than a teen comedy directed by John Hughes. I think the story that best illustrates my life being one long series of misadventures is the time that I drove across three states in order to lose my virginity. This adventure took place a few years ago. I’d been introduced through a mutual friend to a young lady who was visiting Humboldt from Idaho because she was having her braces removed and her dental insurance only covered her old dentist from Eureka. As it happened she and I hit it off rather quickly, our passions fueled by the time constraints of her imminent departure and a healthy dose of post puberty-hormones. Due to my still living with my parents and the vigilance of Eureka city parking enforcement officers, she left before we were able to consummate our relationship physically. As she had no plans or means of returning to Eureka in the near future, I decided that my best course of action would be for me to drive there and visit her. So, a couple of weeks later I, and three of my friends, packed ourselves into my parents’ station wagon that I had neglected to disclose that I would be taking across state lines and began our journey to a bedroom community just outside Boise, Idaho. Of the four of us, two of my passengers were a pair of girls riding with us because they were mutual friends of the girl I was going to see. They had also bought tickets to see the band Mindless Self Indulgence who were performing the next night in Boise. Looking back now, I cannot think of a more fitting title for this entire experience than the name of that band. Our fourth adventurer was my friend Ben who just decided to come along because he was between jobs and said that

he had nothing better to do than jump in my car and go wherever it was going. I can honestly say that I have never been on a worse road trip. We were all at each other’s throats before we had even left California. I won’t relate the details but suffice it to say that we each had very different traveling styles that ended up being very incompatible. After nearly 24 stress-filled hours we finally made it to our destination. At that point all I wanted to do was spend some time with my soon-to-be girl and decompress from the interstate hate train that I had been stuck on. She had already obligated herself to going to the MSI show with her other friends though.

I wanted to stay and keep trying to discard my virginity but had to admit that my chances were quickly diminishing. The girls we had traveled with had confided what a terrible person I was on the drive over, and how they would rather take the bus home than be stuck with me for the drive back. I was also anxious to get the car home before my parents found out where I had gone and revoke my privilege of using their car ever again. So dejected, rejected, and frustrated I got back into my car and started the long drive home. As it turned out with only each other for company, Ben and I ended up bonding on the drive home. After all that, even though I had lost the girl and the romantic “love” that I been seeking, I had found a much more rewarding platonic love with a man who has since become a life-long friend. I don’t think it it would have been better even if it was a John Hughes movie and I was being portrayed by Anthony Michael Hall.

This left Ben and I to ask: “What do the streets of Boise have to offer on a Friday night?” The answer is, not much. Boise is the town where all the rebellious young Mormons who were too wild for Brigham Young go to college. They get to indulge in all of the things they couldn’t do back in Utah, like drinking Coca-cola and staying out after 10 p.m. The best thing I can say about Boise is that I found what was possibly the last establishment in the world that sold Brainwash soda. If you were never able to experience Brainwash, it was a soda that was flavored with jalapeno oil and had so much blue dye in it that it would stain absolutely anything that it touched. The stuff was amazing, and it ended up being the high point of my entire trip. After a while we met up with the girls after the concert. I had done the lion’s share of driving to get to Idaho, and despite my raging libido I fell asleep as soon as we got back to the house we were staying at. The next day was no better as I was well rested but the girls were exhausted

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It all started when I was trying to be cool....

Fm: Excellent, so are you ready to do the interview? DJ: Yeah. I’m here.

characters in your art like Casper the Friendly Ghost and Captain America. Which of these is your favorite? DJ: (even longer pause) Well, I do Fm: Awesome, your dad said you were out recording today. lots of cartoons... ... ... ... DJ: Yeah, we went recording in Austin... uh-huh. Fm: Yeah. Fm: And I saw that you were playing some shows around DJ: Yeah. Ya know. there as well. Are you playing solo or with a band? DJ: Uh huh. Fm: (Heart breaking sound again...I review my questions...maybe back to music? Maybe the music of Fm: Who you got backing others?) So what kind of stuff are you into nowadays? you up? What kinds of records do you listen to? DJ: They put together a band DJ: I’m not playing much music. I don’t listen to that for me when I got into town. many albums right now. Well anyway, I have to go now. Thanks for calling. Fm: Are you putting out Fm: (Broke) Thank you. records?

I thought “Oh I know, I’ll interview Daniel Johnston. Then all the kids at school will think I am totally RAD!” If you don’t know who he is then proceed as follows: • Pretend you do! • Rent the film “The Devil and Daniel Johnston.” Pretend you’ve known all that shit for like, 12 years. • eBay some vinyl for way too much money.

Twenty-six bucks and 19 miles later* I was in contact with his management. I was informed that Daniel didn’t have any computer or Internet access and that I would have to get into contact with his father to set up an interview. Easy enough... I can charm the pants off the elderly and have the arrest record to prove it! So I called him up and set up the interview with only minor complications doing the simple math to figure out what time would be good for me and him, and what times those would correlate to in our respective time zones. I had the date! My only worry was that I was gonna be too radical of a dude for the world to handle. Fast Forward >> The day of: Mellow as a fellow dressed in yellow I call at the appointed time, confident in my total mastery of the interviewing ways. I am cooler than a cucumber and ready to enter the world of Daniel Johnston... The phone rings... and rings... and RIIIIIINGS! I am about to give up when an elderly gentleman answers the phone, I immediately recognize as... Bill Johnston: Hello?

Dr. Foxmeat: Hello, is Daniel around? BJ: Yeeeaahh, no he isn’t. I got bad news for you... Fm: (the sound of heart breaking) BJ: He went to Austin this morning to record and hasn’t returned yet. He should be back in a couple of hours at the latest I would think. He evidently is havin’ fun and he didn’t hurry back.

DJ: Yeah, we’re putting records out...

“Daniel Johnston is frankin’ batshit nutzo.”

Fm: Is that what you were working on today? DJ: No, It was just some kind of opera my friend was writing. Dr. Foxmeat, staff

Fm: So is this with the same group of musicians or are you working with or are you just bouncing around? DJ: Uh huh. Fm: So are is there anyone you specifically like to work with? DJ: (SUPER long pause) Oh, just friends. People I know. Fm: (Sensing a shifting of gears is necessary, maybe he is tired of music after recording all day) So, I have been looking at all your art and I really like it. You have a lot of cartoon

Fm: No problem. (sound of heart knitting back together) I’ll give him a call in a few hours. Thank you so much, Bill. BJ: Okay. Bye bye. Fm: Bye. Dishes. I did some dishes. I was even looser and limberer than before and even more ready... Take Two: Dr. Foxmeat: Hello? (LONG pause) Daniel Johnston: Hello there. How ya doing?

Now, I don’t know if it comes across or not but this was a VERY difficult interview! I apologize for the somewhat conventional questioning. Usually I would ask these sorts of questions as a way of feeling out what the subject wanted to discuss and move on accordingly. In this case I don’t think he wanted to discuss anything. In fact, it was like talking to a kid that gets put on the phone to talk to his aunt even though he doesn’t want to. I must admit... my butt was hurt at first. Then it dawned on me: “Daniel Johnston is frankin’ batshit nutzo.” It is by no means over. I plan on following this up in the future. Letting it breathe like a scraped knee for now. Not my fault suckers. L8r Sk8rs... over and out! *I drove to Arcata and bought a computer cable and some pesto. It just made the story sound more intriguing.

Ring... ring... ring... no ring...

Fm: Very good. How are you doing? DJ: Oh, pretty good.

The End

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Ben’s Ten: Volume IX:

Songs for Your Valentine’s Mix Tape

Ben Allen, music editor

If you’re looking to do something thoughtful and unexpected for your significant other this year, I wholeheartedly encourage you to make them a compilation disc or “mix tape.” Music can convey so much; an emotion you’re feeling, a shared memory or thought you want that special someone to hear. Try to customize the track listing for your loved one, letting them know you’re thinking specifically of them. The following are some more general “romantic” tracks if you get stuck. As a general rule, you can’t go wrong with Marvin Gaye, Al Green, The Isley Brothers, Otis Redding or 2 Live Crew. Nothing says romance like “Dick Almighty” or “Me So Horny.” Built to Spill - The Weather

Until I heard this indie-rock gem, I would have never equated the weather with relationships. Most romantic lyric: “As long as it’s talking with you, talk of the weather will do.” Band of Horses - No One’s Gonna Love You

Singer Ben Bridwell lets his significant other know how much he cares for her, and that no one else can compete with his feelings. Most romantic lyric: “But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do.” Yeah Yeah Yeah’s – Maps

This slow burning beauty of a ballad evokes heavy emotion in both melody and lyric. Most romantic lyric: “Wait, they don’t love you like I love you.” Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark

A quiet, acoustic ballad that tells the story of a man so in love with his girl, he would follow her into death if she leaves before him. Most romantic lyric: “If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.” Radiohead - All I Need

Not only is this track one of Radiohead’s sexier recordings, but singer Thom Yorke appears to be letting his sweetheart know how much he cares for her. Most romantic lyric: “I am a moth, who just wants to share your light.” The Cure – Lovesong

For a man that looked like a deranged zombie, Robert Smith somehow managed to be a goth heartthrob back in the 80’s. Blame it on his hopelessly-in-love lyrical content. Most romantic lyric: “However far away, I will always love you.”

Album Reviews

Shuteye Unisons - Our Future Selves

Parks and Records Matt Ashworth, contributor

I’m no stranger to taking comfort in the gentle indie rock melodies and subtle, psychedelic pop shimmers displayed on albums like Shuteye Unison’s “Our Future Selves.” Early progenitors like Ride, Chapterhouse and the Jesus & Mary Chain make up a key part of my musical DNA. But whereas modern disciples like Grandaddy and Deerhunter use soft vocals and layered guitars as two ingredients in a more compelling and original musical stew, Shuteye Unison haven’t quite landed on something memorable enough to command repeated listens. Opener and single “Be Kimball” sets a nice Silversun Pickupsstyle alt-rock chug and “Traffic” creates a swirling, intriguing atmosphere, but even the puzzling powerhouse of this genre, Death Cab for Cutie, offers some incredibly catchy tunes and memorable choruses from time to time. Unfortunately, outside the gorgeous melodies on standout track “Swear Words,” Shuteye Unison has yet to perfect that kind of substance beneath their style. Rating: 2 out of 12 PBRs

Otis Redding - That’s How Strong My Love Is

Lowmen Markos - Lowmen Markos EP Self Released 2011

Ben Allen, music editor

Three instrumental tracks clocking in at nearly 30 minutes comprise the debut EP from Seattle quartet Lowmen Markos. Album opener “Constant Teen,” features feedback, hi-hat, cymbal flourishes and gently strummed guitar for a full three minutes before the song takes off. The tracks are full of wide open spaces and atmospheric sounds serving as a backdrop for the more technical, intricate playing. “O.D.I.A.C.” emphasizes ambient, droning intertwined guitars until an insistent drum beat begins halfway through, followed by what can only be described as an attack on a glockenspiel running through some type of distortion. The highlight of the EP is “Mangled Talons (of a dead falcon),” a song that demands attention with its elaborate arrangement. The beginning contains an anticipatory sound and feel, leading to a middle section with two captivating, memorable guitar lines. The song quiets down briefly as a glockenspiel makes an ominous-sounding appearance before everything builds to a perfect, climactic ending. “Lowmen Markos” is a sprawling, beautiful and sometimes challenging recording from an incredibly virtuosic group of musicians full of promise. Rating: 9 out of 12 PBRs

No one sung with more passion and conviction on the topic of romance and love than Otis Redding. To hear him passionately belt out this ballad is a truly beautiful thing. Most romantic lyric: “I’ll be the breeze after the storm is gone; to dry your eyes and love you warm.” The xx - Heart Skipped a Beat

Do you know the feeling when you’re newly in love, can’t form rational thoughts, and get butterflies in your stomach when you see that special someone? Impressively, The xx is able to convey these sentiments in song. Most romantic lyric: “I could give so much more; make you feel like never before.” The Good Life - Album of the Year

Good Life front man Tim Kasher is known for his confessional lyrical content, mostly dealing with tumultuous relationships. “Album of the Year” is no exception, and follows the story of a couple’s romantic beginnings deteriorating into domestic unease. Most romantic lyric: “The first time that I met her I was convinced I had finally found the one.” The Isley Brothers - Between the Sheets

Arguably some of the sexiest music ever written, the Isleys’ lyrical content mostly focused on love, sex, sex and more sex. It’s as if the band can barely be bothered with performing music as they’d rather be getting’ it on. Most romantic lyric: “Enough of the singin’, let’s make love.”

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The Great Salvation: An Interview with Benny Wright

BA: How ambitious are you as far as your popularity? Where do you see the band in three years? BW: That's a big problem with me. I lack the ambition to really go out there and try to make it. Believe me; I have no delusions of grandeur. No one wants to see a 35-year-old man on stage thinking he's the next big thing. In three years I'll probably be a 38-year-old man on stage thinking we're the next big thing.

Ben Allen, music editor

Success in the music industry is not unlike playing in the NBA; there are thousands of people that play basketball, with only a select few reaching the professional level. I’ve often wondered why incredibly talented musicians toil away in obscurity, their gifts being shared with a limited audience. This topic was explored in Jensen Rufe’s Humboldt music documentary “Rural Rock & Roll.” One of the bands featured was “The Great Salvation.” Guitarist/vocalist Benny Wright and company create fun, classic-rock inspired indie-pop. The brilliance in their songwriting lies in its simplicity. Take a few chords, a great vocal hook; add some infectious lead guitar and piano and you’ve created a very memorable pop song. Unfortunately The Great Salvation, like many local bands, remains relatively unknown outside of the Humboldt area. After an extended hiatus, the band has recently begun playing local shows. Only time will tell if their raw talent and gifted songwriting will translate to a broader audience.

BA: Hi Benny. I understand you guys recently played your first show in like 4 or 5 years. Where have you been and what has been occupying your time? BW: Ryanne (Great Salvation vocalist) and I work overseas and find ourselves out of the country for months at a time. James, our piano player, moved to Portland about 5 years ago, so that was that. Ryanne and I were living in the Bay area so the band was fractured. This year we moved back and said "fuck it.” We had a few more songs under our belt and the benefit for the blind came up so we started jamming again. BA: I've noticed a recurrent religious theme running through the lyrics of your songs. Are you a spiritual man, or are you poking fun at the "religious right?" BW: I'd say I'm somewhat of a spiritual man, but far from religious. I've never been a fan of organized religion but I love the imagery and emotion that life's big questions evoke. So, neither. I'm not poking fun, nor am I promoting religion; I'm just using the themes and ideas as a backdrop for songs.

player I've ever played with and there's only one of him so it's only natural that he'd be in a lot of Eureka's musical projects.

BW: There's a lot less to work with in a simple song so melody becomes paramount. We focus a great deal on melody.

BA: Does Humboldt's music scene ever feel stagnant to you? Do you feel like there's a lot of great music being created in Eureka/ Arcata? BW: Hell yeah I feel the scene is stagnant right now, but I don't blame the thirty-something crowd. We've been doing this shit since the early ‘90s. It's time for the younger generation to put down their iPhones and plug in some instruments. And I get it, metal, reggae and hip-hop are great, but ask your dad about the Kinks, Pavement, The Flaming Lips, Bowie, etc.

“It’s time for the younger generation to put down their iPhones and plug in some instruments.”

BA: Do you purposely craft your art to be accessible and poporiented? I feel like there's a certain elegant simplicity to your songwriting. BW: Some of my favorite songs are simple, with just three chords. I've always been more interested in the dynamics and feel of a song rather than the technicality of it. So if that's pop, then I guess I write pop songs but I'd prefer to say uh. . . fuck it. It's pop.

BA: You alluded to it before, but are you saying your love of writing and playing music with friends is more important than any type of commercial or critical success? BW: I've never played music on the pretense of "making it." If I was born in 1950 I would have been 17 in 1967 and would have had a better shot at getting the style of music I play out there. But in the end, I love writing and playing music with friends in 2011.

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Answers To: Where the hell in Arcata am I? (Page 14) Get a subscription A - In front of Wildwood Music while it’s cheap. $25/12 B - Ritas Restaurant C - Robert Goodman corner house, I Street issues. That barely covers the D - Sidelines, Barcata Row postage, but hey, it’s a deal for you. E - Down-and-Out Punk Rock House, I Street Send a check and your address to F - Our newest neighbors Missing Link! Go get a record! PO Box 1196, Arcata CA 95521 G - North J Street offices H - Cafe Mokka, K Street

BA: Would you say those bands have had a direct influence on your sound? What are some musical comparisons The Great Salvation have received? BW: Everything that enters my ears influences my writing but I tend to gravitate towards John Lennon quite a bit. BA: Do you care if people like your music? BW: Yeah, of course it's nice to be liked but in the end I write music because I love it.

BA: Do you feel your music is generally optimistic? Is there an intentional positive message being conveyed? BW: Yes, I would say our sound has a certain amount of optimism but that's not a conscious decision on our part. I think we're all pretty happy people and that comes out in our arrangements.

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BA: Is it now possible that Ryan McGonagle (Great Salvation guitarist) has been involved in more musical projects than anyone else in Humboldt? Jesse Pehrson (ex-Sin Men, Buffy Swayze, Arrogant Hare) BA: Some of my favorite songwriters use relatively simple song may be a close contender. . . structures as well. Do you feel there's a certain challenge in BW: Ryan McGonagle is a total whore. No, “doing more with less?” I'm just kidding. Ryan is the best guitar

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Yosemite Sam's Family Tree Wind Cave Dave

Yukon John

Death Valley Beth

Everglades Sadie

Big Bend Ben

Denali Molly

Grand Teton Ron

Olympic Rick

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Katmai Katy

Carlsbad Cavern Laverne

Glacier Horatio

Grand Canyon Dan

Zion Ryan

Mesa Verde Berty

Yellowstone Joan

Crater Lake Jake Yosemite Sam

That’s All There Is To Say About That. All I remember was that there was a lot of “This doesn’t feel like my hand!” going through my head. Oh, and crying. Lots of crying.

“Dangerous Minds” and “Die Hard-With a Vengeance” was the Double feature at the Drive-in. Drive-in? “Dangerous Minds?” Yes.

The first time I got laid was roughly between 1954 and 1985. Not really. My Boyfriend was graduating high school, and begged me to grant him un-virginity, I guess to impress his future wife, or so he might later be able to utter in truth, “I was totally doing it in high school.” Two Zimas later the Orange Volkswagen Squareback was a-shakin’. He bought me some bon bons afterward. Or more likely, I bought them.

More notably, this old boyfriend just got divorced and has been “what’s out there now?” facebooking me. Joke’s on him.

She was an older woman and she had her own place. I was a junior in high school, she was a freshman at the community college and shared an apartment with three other community college freshmen. She was also an assistant manager of a Burger King where my friend worked. That’s how I met her. She called and it was a school night, I would have to sneak out.

I tried to lose the big V at a party, my friend’s parents were out of town, in a friend’s day bed. Our state of inebriation got the best of us, and nothing happened. So I had to ride my bike 4 miles to the guy’s house the next day to ‘give it another go’. This is how I ended up horizontal on his parents couch, watching Air America over my shoulder, in an apartment across the street from a 7-11 and a SuperCuts. The movie was pretty funny. Afterwards, I got a slurpee and rode home.

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I waited until the house was dark, parents asleep and crept out of my bedroom window. I let my car coast down the driveway and jumped started it in the street. About 15 minutes later I was coasting back up to my house and climbing back in through my bedroom window. Slipping silently into my bed. That’s it, really.

I have no idea where this woman is now.

CENTERFOLD

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Flowers by Frank: Ten Date Movies that would be a lot better with a visit from The Punisher Titanic

The ship sinks. Most of the people die. And yet a story that takes ten seconds to tell got stretched out to three hours. Obviously, The Punisher, Frank Castle, wasn’t alive in 1912. But, he was very much there in 1997 to use a shaped-charge to blow the crap out of Bill Paxton’s research vessel and send it plummeting into the deep along with that crazy old bat and her fucking necklace.

Pretty Woman

Most of us remember that first time a date picked this movie from a theater marquee or a video store shelf. It heralded in an era of puke and shit movies starring a woman named Julia Roberts who stood in utter defiance of the word “pretty”. That was, of course, until Frank turned this hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold story into a hooker-with-numerous-shrapnel-wounds tale.

Beaches

You are the wind beneath my wings. And, at 51 minutes when Frank hits the beach in full body armor and wielding a belt-fed machine gun, he becomes the fury beneath the seat of every male forced to sit through this unholy experiment in female tear duct manipulation. Don’t weep for Barbara Hershey, Bette Midler. You’re both going to die.

Jerry Maguire

Even 15 years after being forced to sit through this two-hour and 20-minute feminine hygiene product, I still get shakes and tremors whenever I see the poster. The only way I made it through this cerebral root canal was by fantasizing that at any moment we would hear a metallic “click”. Tom Cruise would look down to see that he had stepped on the detonator to a landmine adorned with a crude skull and the words “you just completed me” scrawled across it.

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Rob Seltzner, contributor

The Bridges of Madison County Clint Eastwood might be one of the all-time toughest tough guys. But, being this is a grade-A chick flick, his powers are useless here. Roughly 35 minutes into this estrogen-fueled ovary drama, Frank sneaks into Madison County during the night and blows up the fucking bridges. Now trapped, Eastwood and Streep enjoy one last romantic evening together before a dawn assault by Castle with a flamethrower.

Sleepless in Seattle

Hanks. Ryan. Castle. In a more perfect version of this vast bowl of puss, Frank uses e-mail to lure these two into a hip little Seattle coffee shop where he is waiting with two combat Magnums, three phosphorus grenades and one large vengeance latte.

Say Anything

…and you’ll trip the sound-activated trigger on 40 lbs of plastique.

While You Were Sleeping

Lonely subway attendant Sandra Bullock pretends to be engaged to an unconscious man after rescuing him from an oncoming train. Everyone just loves her and welcomes her into the family. Unfortunately, it’s one of the Five Families and Sandra’s bachelorette party ends in complete terror when Frank jumps out of the cake with nothing but a shoulder holster and a machete.

When A Man Loves A Woman

This vomit-inducing romantic farce would have been better had it been called WHEN A MAN LOVES HIS UZI. I’ll trade a 30-second spray of 9 mm rounds over a two-hour drama about an alcoholic woman, her enabling husband and all the emotional ass fluid in between.

Bridget Jones’ Diary

The only thing cuter than Renee Zellweger and her true-tolife monologue on love is the way Frank has managed to rig up a shotgun shell in the earpiece of her cell phone.

Steve Agee is Radical Do you know Steve Agee, the guy that’s gay for Brian Posehn on the “Sarah Silverman Program”? He’s not gay in real life (not that there is anything wrong with being gay for Posehn) and it’s the first thing he points out to me when I find myself, amazingly, shooting the shit with him at a comedy show in San Francisco. In order to shoot any shit with any conviction, you gotta be a pretty cool guy. He could have snubbed me. I asked him how he started in comedy. “I got into this business when I was 35. It’s never too late, well I wouldn’t say never, but 35 wasn’t too late to start doing what I wanted to do.”

Sarah Godlin, staff

More Jokes You Haven’t Heard (Now with even less humor) Zack Newkirk, staff Q: How many black people does Q: What was the bird’s it take to change a light bulb? favorite TV show? A: One. A: Wings.

Q: Which would be the most insensitive theme park to take someone without legs to? A:

Q: What time was it when John Wilkes Booth shot Abe Lincoln? A: Time to get a new president.

Agee is a multipodcaster and a Twitter addict.

“I did a thing where I tried to get 5,000 followers and I was on it all day. I was obsessed. But I fucking hate Facebook.”

Agee (pronnounced Age-EE) is pretty open about his love of marijuana. He was psyched that I was from Humboldt and he proceeded to tell me a really funny story that I can’t repeat because it had to be off the record. Too bad. That could have made for a really great interview.

Did I mention that Steve Agee is rad?

Ancient artS TATTOOING &PIERCING.

Q: Why does John Travolta like to fly? A: Because there are no paparazzi on his plane to see him making out with dudes.

" OPEN

Q: What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: Mass murder. Q: Who left the drink on this end table without a coaster? Now there’s a ring on the finish. Do you know how easily liquid damages this finished wood? A: Sorry, I was going to just hold the glass while I was watching Dr. Phil, but then the phone rang, and I took the call outside because I didn’t want to wake Aunt Jean, since she’s sleeping in the guest room.

Q: Where did the werewolf go to grad school? A: Brown (ironically, because the werewolf was gray).

Q: What is Michael Strahan’s teeth’s favorite clothing store? A: The Gap.

Q: Who is Gandalf the wizard’s favorite actor? A: James Gandolfini.

Q: Your mama’s so fat that she can’t get around very well. A: Can you put that in the form of a question?

Q: What is Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s favorite basketball statistic? A: Assists.

1065 K Street .

Q: Why did the patient always put money in his rectum before visiting his proctologist? A: Because he heard that the doctor only took payment in arrears.

Q: Why did the publisher try to sell a subscription of his newspaper to his cardiologist? A: To improve his circulation.

Arcata, Calif. Any piercing only

Mon.-Sat. 12noon-8pm

Q: How fast can Stephen Hawking drive in his electric wheelchair? A: “Relatively” fast.

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The Shoechucker Happy Do Something Nice For Someone For Once, You Selfish Prick Day why not spread some love to others as well? Choada Salinas, staff This doesn’t mean that you should dress up all My first impulse at the beginning of this wonderful cherubic and shoot people with arrows, although season of love is to rail against the manufacture if you feel compelled to do that more power to of a Hallmark holiday for the express purpose you. It does, on the other hand, mean that you of swindling you out of more of your cash. But should try and do something nice for at least one that’s so predictable. Instead, I am going to person that you don’t know on Valentine’s Day. resist my better bitter instincts and get a little Humboldt hippie to suggest that, like I am quite sure you are having a hard time Like the tooth that Outkast song, “everyday the wrapping your limited pin-head around that fairy, chupacabra, idea, you are in America after all, so let fourteenth.” In other words, rather than vilifying Valentine’s Day as the and the Easter me offer some concrete suggestions. Buy corporate Christian bullshit that it is, bunny, there are a the coffee of the person in front of you in I am going to offer another way to line; bring donuts to work (and bring two number of origin dozen to the Savage Henry offices while see it, one that may just help us all find a way to get above and beyond stories regarding you’re at it, we prefer apple fritters and all the hateful bile abounding today. Saint Valentine. the cream cheesy ones); tell a random girl that is beautiful and then walk away Like the tooth fairy, chupacabra, None of them withoutshe trying to get in her pants; tell a random and the Easter bunny, there are a really matter. guy that he’s not an insensitive jerk and avoid number of origin stories regarding kicking him in the nuts (even if he deserves it); Saint Valentine. None of them really matter. The give an old coat to a clothing donation – or even pertinent history is that, according to Hallmark better a new one, you know, that kind of stuff. themselves, they began producing and distributing Valentine’s Day cards in 1916, three years after making the very first ones. This is the beginning of the holiday as we understand it; wherein little kids give stupid cards and sugar balls to the other kids in class creating false senses of affection, teenagers buy their latest romantic conquests tacky shit with pithy phrases, young adults profess eternal affection until the next cute piece of ass comes along, and everyone else goes out to get drunk and forget about their pain. That’s all well and good, but it’s still pretty selfish. I would like to offer the following suggestion: rather than focusing solely on your intimates,

But this is just the start. If everyday really is the fourteenth as Andre 3000 says, this is the kind of stuff you should be doing, at least occasionally, all year long. So go out and do something nice for someone. Put down that green brownie before you get too stupid to get off the couch, give one of those 40s of Mickey’s to a homeless teenager – just don’t let it follow you home. If we all tried to do that on a regular, as opposed to annual, basis, not only would the world be a better place but you might actually start living up to those hippie ideals that you keep hypocritically preaching you selfish prick.

Official Retort Mr. Salinas, you unromantic and sad, sad soul. Just because you aren’t getting any, don’t ruin it for the rest of us. Take me for example. I have the lovely and beautiful Mrs. Bills waiting for me at home with a dinner and drink and however far I can go with the latest Jane Seymour-inspired heart necklace from Kay wrapped around my erect American penis. And then there’s my special friend Linda, who works around Capitol Hill delivering subpoenas. I got her in a small little flat near the river. I see her every third or fourth day. Let’s not forget Cathy, my secretary, she’s basically my booty call. Whenever, wherever, you know the type. And a few others not important enough to mention here. What’s that you ask? Aren’t I afraid my wife will see this. Well, no. You see, she’s a card carrying member of MASH and will never pick up a Savage Henry. I’m golden. Owen L. Bills Savage Henry columnist retorter

ON THE ARCATA PLAZA Monday - Sunday 9am-6pm 707.826.0415

(cont’d)

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The Love Application

To begin courtship, fill out the following as truthfully and completely as you know. Any dishonesty, douchebaggery, asshole, or crazy bitch vibes received from this completed application will result in the immediate shredding of this document and a cessation in any consideration of dating or copulating with the applicant. Remember, this application is not meant to show how compatible we are, but rather for me to weed out those who probably shouldn’t have bothered in the first place. Check which of the following you are interested in: ____ Long-term relationship ____ Cuddle Buddy ____ Friends with Benefits ____ A little slap and tickle Ok, thanks for being honest with me. Now, here’s a few short answer questions. Answer them as truthfully as possible. Describe your relationship with your mother: ____________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you ever been convicted of a felony? _____Yes _____No If so, does this felony preclude you from being near schools, children, churches, shopping malls, children, teacup poodles, or any often-stalked celebrity? _____Yes ____No Alright, we got that one out of the way. Checking any of the following may potentially raise some red flags, but please, answer honestly. Check all that apply to you: For girls: ___I have consistently ridden or trained horses for the last six months. ___I own at least two posters that feature either dragons or fairies. ___More than half of my porn collection is hentai. ___I own Lucille Ball memorabilia. ___Juicy Couture has taken me to collections. ___I habitually let men buy me a drink even though they haven’t a chance in hell. For guys:___I know what THAC0 means ___There is at least one night of the week I can’t go out because my guild has to raid. ___My mother is likely to call in the middle of our first date, and I pick up. ___I own a cat that I’m “extendedly watching” for an ex. ___There is a breathalyzer attached to my car. ___My band’s genre has two or more slashes or hyphens. What is the soonest after dating someone you’ve told them “I love you”? ________________________ Can you name at least the first name of everyone you’ve had sex with? ____________ If no, is that because you’re a virgin? __________ On a scale of 1 to 10, rate how jealous of a person you are: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (suspiciously aloof) (Swimfan is my fave movie!) Have you ever randomly hooked up with at Sidelines? ______ How about five people? _______ Ten? ________ When I say ________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ What I really mean is ________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Pick your preferrable first date: ___Roller Derby ___Show at NCRT ___Going to a Humboldt Impropriety Society gathering ___Shots of Old Grandad at the Schooner ___Shooting guns at the Edge of the World ___LAN party ___LARPing ___Browsing your Netflix instant queue ___One hour session at the hot tubs Alright friend, here’s your last chance to make an impression. Write down why you think we’d have a good time going out on a date. More importantly, why should I date you? Aaaaannnnddd....go: ___________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ Thank you again for your interest in me; it is quite flattering. I will consider these applications in the order that I receive them, and you will hear back from me anytime between now and the Book of Revelations.

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How I Finally Broke Down... and Held Hands With my Lady

Josh Duke, staff

Why do you hold hands with your partner/date/flavor of the week? Sure, I bet you can tell me why you feel like you should do it; it shows a sense of affection in public without grossing everybody out, it wards off other potential suitors, and it even shows the other person that you’re willing to be in physical contact with them at all times, despite how clammy your hand becomes. But why do we really do it? What does it accomplish?

What possible quantifiable measure of a relationship’s success can be tied to making my palms sweaty and generally uncomfortable? Tell me that, will you? You might try to tell me, “Well, it’s just one of those things you do, Josh.” Of course it’s one of those things you do, but for all of its grandeur, it still doesn’t make any fucking sense. I could be the best boyfriend in the world (and trust me, I’m not); I could be a great listener, always truthful, understanding, caring, spontaneous, humorous, great with kids, great in bed, and romantic in every way imaginable, but I would wager that I would be given my walking papers by a great many (if not most) women if I told them that holding hands “just wasn’t my thing.”

Requirements such as this are impractical to the point of absurdity. Ever tried to walk down G or H Street in Arcata while holding hands with your significant other? Until you reach the Plaza, those sidewalks are exactly wide enough for two people to walk on side by side. Now imagine all the street signs, passers-by, telephone polls, mailboxes, and “Free-stuff” boxes that you have to perform insane trapeze acts across just to remain in physical contact. It borders on the ridiculous. I’m not a callous guy. Well maybe sometimes, but that’s not the point. I’m just trying to bring some perspective here. So the questions of course get asked, “Hey there asshole, do you hold hands with your lady?” or “Do you even have a lady?” The answer to both is “Of course I do.” But before you started boasting about how you know how to spell hypocrisy, let me tell you this: If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that in order to live with each other in this chaotic, absurd thing we call existence, somewhere along the line we have to let go and learn to enjoy doing things that are ridiculous and lack any bit of sense. I could just boil it down and say “It’s just one of those things you do,” but it’s more than that. Being logical doesn’t solve everything, and logic will definitely not get you nor maintain a significant other. This is why Spock only gets women when he cuts loose his human side. Simply put, I hold my lady’s hand because it makes her happy, and I’m happy making her happy. So, Heather Malloy, this piece goes out to you. My love for you goes beyond clammy hands and stiff shoulders, it extends into a realm that doesn’t have to make sense. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Four Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

John Elderly, contributor I was recently invited to a get together with friends for tacos, movies, beer and shots. Upon my arrival I sat myself in a corner with a beer and discovered that my hosts were dedicated consumers of Cosmopolitan. I flipped to the section titled ‘What guys like: A million and 1 ways to spice up your lame-ass sex life, because, homeboy, you’re not hitting any homeruns”. I was fucking shocked. It was all true. Not just true like, “LOL, that makes sense.” No! I mean like this shit is fucking truth! Well, I thought that because of editorial and censorship issues they couldn’t go much further to describe even more intimately the desires of women and men. Unfortunately, I am not a certified love guru. I had to do research. I jumped on the Magic School Bus and visited the scene of quite a few roughneck sex acts that provided me with the notes I needed to provide you, dear Savage Henry reader, with the tools necessary to get your him/her/ other off. So without keeping you waiting any further I would like to present to you the top five ways you can spice up a boring monotonous sexual relationship.

3. ANAL: I know that this is probably going to be tough to hear coming from your partner’s mouth, or even from your own. All of us have questioned the effect of anal as both a spiritual and dogmatic ritual. Does it hurt? Is it unsanitary? What the fuck is that smell? Can my mom tell that I’m that kind of person? All these questions can be answered in one solid sentence that will help you to better evaluate whether anal is a spicy meatball of tenderness that you and your loved one can share with one another. That sentence is, “We’re all going to die someday, I don’t want to be the L7 weenie that didn’t try this.” Trust me, in hell everyone knows your secrets and you don’t want to be grouped with the nerds, because face it, even hell is segregated like a high school lunch recess.

“Does it hurt? Is it unsanitary? What is that smell?”

1. FOOD: Yea, gangsta. On my adventures I witnessed a few couples who incorporated the grandiose libido that food can provide. If you’re trying to get that loved one screaming with the utmost teeth gnashing, nail scratching, blood curdling orgasm, incorporate munchies into the bedroom. I know what you’re thinking. Crumbs. No one likes crumbs in the bed unless you’re that depressed and obese lady you care-provide for. Don’t worry a bit. Cleanup is an act that can bring you even closer after an intimate rendezvous. After watching intently I tried out a few new aphrodisiacs myself that were listed within a ‘zine i picked up in the bay. Hamburger Helper: Stroganoff. Spread this lukewarm, guys and gals. Seriously, safe sex means SAFE SEX. We don’t want to scorch the area you want to cuddlefish with. This tasty, easy to make, 30 minute meal can make any girl or guy blush when you’ll pull it out of your shopping bag next to a bottle of wine and massage lotion. Speaking of massage...

2. ORAL: I know there are a few of us out there who won’t go down there even if the very lives of our loved ones depended on it. Understandable. Sometimes being in that area of a very unkempt playground can put any veteran into a crazed flashback, but, it’s always a treat for those special occasions when showing your significant other you really care. For some of us, gag reflexes are issues that must be taken into concern. No problem. The way I’ve always fixed that is by downing half a bottle of Nyquil until the nerves in my mouth don’t know what’s what! Of course you’ll be drooling consistently, but just use that as the underlying lubricant that will harm the senses of your partner’s genitals. Also... refer to FOOD to add a little extra bang to the wild side of things.

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4. TALKING. Yes, communication is key. It’s what greases the gears of intimacy. It provides for that special one the idea that they are the true saviour of your sexual needs. That they alone have the ability to do the deed right. Even if all it is is bald-faced lies intended to get to that point of rumbling about the bed sheets. It is important to boost the ego of your partner for better performance. Start by complimenting your partner’s bits and pieces. Mention things like,”God damn, now isn’t that the most amazing thing that bioengineering created”, or “My cavity is like the sheath for your William Wallace Braveheart broadsword”, or even, “Oh, don’t be a Hand Solo, “‘I’m here to be your Princess Leia.” In any other words try to be appropriate and kind. No one likes criticisms on things we have no hand in dealing ourselves. Things like our body types, or the shit that excretes from it. Everyone comes in different shapes and sizes and in all seriousness providing your partner with the feeling that they are beautiful and unique will help them to realize that fact as well. Also always use consent as your means to getting it on. Asking questions can be exciting and fun. No means NO. Only YES means Yes.

Awesome art by Nuno Amaral

Catty Mean Girl, the girl behind the girl Sarah Godlin, staff

S: That’s a relief. What do they think of your fame? C: So, people know me now, or whatever, and I’m a local celeb. Maybe you peep me at HealthSport? If you are my fan, come and say “hi,” because I love my fans. Unless you’re friends with Jayson, in which case, I HATE YOU!

People often email us asking if Catty Mean Girl is a real person. I wanted to squash the rumors that she is Josh Duke’s feminine side and let everyone know that CMG, AKA Caity Garner is a real human who I know through my 21-year-old favorite Cousin. Who the fuck does this bitch think she

is? Doesn’t she know there is only

STRANGE PICTURE OF THE MONTH

I was the only person room for one mean girl in this town? she knew of in Humboldt when she moved here, and when the mag started, I asked if she could do Photo by Dutch Savage ANYTHING? She replied, “Um, yeah...I have incredible taste, and I’m mean.” Her “column” was born. Sarah: Hi Caity. Some people don’t think you exist. Do you? Caity: Um, yeah, duh. (Oh, shit she made the handicapped arm gesture). Everyone I’ve talked to knows I’m real.

What’s in the crack pipe this month?

S: Jayson, huh? C: Why, you know Jayson?

S: No. I can assure you that I do not. You talk a lot of shit about celebrities. Are you worried that they will be upset with you? C: Yeah, if they get mad, like, whatever. They put their lives out there so I can talk smack. Look at that bone pile Joan Rivers and her handsome daughter. They’re always dissing celebs. S: Are you Humboldt county’s Joan Rivers? C: I hope not! She poops dust! I’m

more like a mean Ryan Seacrest. He poops feathers. Anyway, she, like, works for E! and I barely get paid for this stupid thing. You should give me a raise.

S: You mentioned once that you would “wobbily H” Pauly D and the Situation. What does that even mean? C: You know! Come on! It means, like when, um, o.k... say Pauly D and the Situation are the sides of the H (she laughs) then I am the line in the middle (more laughs). S: That is totally disgusting. I should have googled that before it went to print. You really think those guys are hot? C: Totes. I’d fully high five ‘em. S: I hope that means slapping their outstretched hands. C: It involves slapping, yes. S: O.k. I’m done here. Glad you’re real. Anything else you want to add? C: Yeah! SCREW YOU, JAYSON, YOU PIG. I WILL RIP THAT GIRL’S CHEAP LITTLE EXTENSIONS OUT OF HER ITCHY DRY SCALP! Thanks Caity! Glad you’re on board!

All 178 Episodes AND 7 seasons of Star Trek The Next Generation. If the original series was weed, then THIS is the heavy stuff.

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New Phonetic Code, Courtesy of Savage Henry

Nowadays, people are on their phones a lot more and talking about all kinds of personal business in public.

One day recently in Target, I swear I overheard 14 large-scale pot deals go down. And it wasn’t like I was trying to pry, the phone holder was not making much of an effort to find privacy. They thought they were using code but “that thing” followed by “25 for each tennis ball” followed by “three cases of tennis balls” means you just sold a bunch of weed. Everyone in the store knows it, too. We here at Savage Henry want to offer a phonetics code that you can access and it won’t draw that much attention when you’re using your phone in a public place.

A - Assmunch B - Bitch Bastard C - Choad D - Dingleberry E - Eat-A-Dick F - Felching G - Gonnorhea H - Hell I - I Don’t Give a Fuck

J - Jackoff S - Shit K - Kunt L - Load of Shit T - Taint M - Motherfucker U - UnFuckinBelievable N - No Fuckin’ Way V - Viral Infection O - Oral Roberts W - Weiner X - Xanax P - Prick Y - Yankey my Wankee Q - Queef R - Ronald Reagan Z - Zit Eater

Android Apps for the Lonely Hearted

Cell Massager (Root Hollow Productions) – This free app uses your phone’s vibrator to well, ahem, “massage” you in a variety of intensities and durations. I mean, sounds cool and all, and I understand everyone gets lonely and needs a “massage” every now and then, but do you really wanna answer a call after you’re finished?

Josh Duke, staff

Let It Sleep (KAYAC Inc.) - This app is designed to record the things you say while you’re asleep, meaning that you’ll be putting your phone on the empty side of your bed. While you search for the reason for your solitude in your nocturnal ramblings, remember that you probably just wasted $1.40 to be told by your phone why you’re single. Stop Panic Attacks Hypnosis (EHYP Productions) – Yes, for 97 cents, you too can save yourself dozens of expensive therapy hours that would otherwise tell you that the problem is with your social anxiety, and not everyone else.

Period and Ovulation Tracker (Tom Gustafson) – What’s a dude doing writing an app to track a woman’s period and ovulation cycle? My litmus test for any first date was to look in a girl’s medicine cabinet, but now I’m starting to realize that I need to look at her smartphone apps. If my first date had this on her droid, she would probably be better off getting Are these balls in my any of the other apps on this list. pants or am I just happy to see you?

Wingman (Christopher Doriott/Parker Henderson) – This app will randomly generate for you all the pickup lines you need to go home a sobbing mess. Not only will this app give you all the tools you need to be struck down, but it will instill a sense of self-righteous douchebaggery that sends your head a-scratchin’ with the thought of “Why didn’t these work?”

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In^ The^ Beginning^,

Anything^ Could^ Happen^

The first thing that needs to be understood is that I have the sex Benito Carlos de Leon, contributor appeal of a mogwai with indigestion from a late-night snack and the charisma of nails being dragged across a chalk board. Single life is something very familiar to me. Of course it, much like me, gets old. And like I told my dog: If you wanted to get petted by strangers then charging at them from across the street is not how to go about it. You are a pit bull, it is menacing. It is like me behaving horny when I want to get laid. The only one who will be stroking us is going to be me. (No animals were masturbated in the writing of this column.) Second thing to know is that Chris Hardin is right. Single people are glad the holidays are over. When they fade, hope is left. Usually it is residual hope. It is all stale, worn out, used, abused, crumpled up and discarded only to be picked up a week later after the New Year’s hangover is completely subdued and over. It is better to take a shot of week-old backwashed PBR that’s been left out in a plastic Dixie cup than to hold on to that hope. This year things went differently; they started well for me. Friends of mine introduced me to someone who at first seemed interested. Things between us weren’t going anywhere. There is an age difference which leads to dissimilar levels of maturity. Honestly, maturity is a euphemism for sobriety. A few weeks went by. I became occupied with other business. I emptied a stash jar or two and then I met someone else on my own. I had trained myself sans treats. I didn’t let my freak flag fly. Like I tell my dog, put the red rocket away and don’t jump on her. I related the initial conversations to a job interview. I dressed appropriately; I was cordial; I had tact; I waited to be told to sit down; I was attentive and witty. Who would have thought that being civilized and affable would work? Those two changes alone are not solely responsible. When out and about socializing, I became more adventurous and wasn’t discouraged easily. Accessibility and disclosure became a strategy that lowered my guard, and which gave insight to my errors. It didn’t hurt that we are attracted to each other. She’s a cutie. She and I have several common interests, hobbies and similar aspirations. There is a sense of comfort with her. She is receptive to my wooing. It takes a special type of girl to enjoy when a stranger walks up to her and hollers directly in her ear á la Nature Boy Rick Flair. Woo! Things are still in the courting phase. Everything is exciting, new and enjoyable. The moment is delightful. Possibilities abound. It is a budding relationship that could turn into a beautiful flower or wilt. Valentine’s Day is up coming as this is being written and will have passed by the time it is read. We can as easily start a good relationship that fizzles out, or a bad one that lasts for what seems forever, or an alright one that ends in an agonizing marriage and any combination of those. Of course the hope is for a long, steady, caring relationship. Isn’t it great that if things work out between us, one of us is going to die leaving the other one miserable and melancholic? Life is fantastic. Right now, we tune out each other’s quirks. The little shit doesn’t bug us. We find them interesting, cute, whimsy. I say goofy, stupid things that she finds charming. They are truthful; they are just corny – a can of corn corny. It is at least not as corny as what I did for Valentine’s Day.

Isn’t it great that if things work out between us, one of us is going to die leaving the other one miserable and melancholic? Life is fantastic.

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Love

For My Inamorata ~ Amy ~

Love will find a way. Love makes all the difference. Love will try it your way for once. Love will put up with a lot of crap, if the sex is good. Love will notice what kind of flowers you like. Love will wash your socks and underwear. Love will let you have the last cookie, but... Love will split it between you. Love doesn’t screw around, but... Love sometimes screws up. Love will fuck you up, but... Love will never fuck you over. Love can get you killed, but.. Love will not pay anyone to kill you. Love can be expensive, but... Love pays dividends, and Love will not abuse your PIN numbers or passwords. Love has seen you scratch yourself, fart and pick your nose. Love knows how bloated and irritable you get. Love will ignore the hair on the shower curtain. Love listens... or at least pretends to listen. Love will not tell you you are putting on weight Love will be there even if its inconvenient and the game is on. Love will try to enjoy the movies you like. Love will cover for you. Love will not rat you out to the Feds. Love will not press charges. Love will not testify against you. Love will bail you out. Love will ruin your plans. Love can wreck your career. Love can destroy your life, and Love will tear us apart again.

Love (part deeachuxother)

L is for lies that we tell to O is the moan of a satisfied lover V is for various people we’ve screwed E is for everything else that is lewd

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You deserve a poem, you really do It’s hard though to put words to you You are the white part of my apple Even though sometimes we grapple You are the shine on my new car I know that sounds rather bizarre By the way our truck looks, evidently But when I’m with you I drive a Bentley Now I don’t want to start a war Comparing your love to a car Maybe your love is like a Fender Stratocaster with a bender I bought from a licensed vendor Like everyone my age and gender Held tight against my abdomen Like I was Eric Clapton in That movie back when he was skinny And had not turned into a ninny Now this is getting really silly Before our relationship gets chilly And you refuse to wet my willie I better come up with a dilly To put me back in your good graces Really puts me through my paces Maybe your love’s like an addiction To some new drug in science fiction No way, that is really creepy Tell me, are you getting sleepy? I can say that you complete me And if you were starving, I’d let you eat me Just so that our love could survive And in your heart, I’d be alive As a chunk of cholesterol On your aortal arterial wall At least then I wouldn’t need a line To describe our love sublime You see how hard it is to say How much you mean to me today And I’d really rather spend my time With you, instead of writing rhyme

Poetry by John Hardin

Housing

Best Deal: You bought land here before 1990 and built your home without a permit. Worst Deal: You bought land here in 2005 and followed the law.

John Hardin, So. Hum. Bureau Chief These days everyone’s looking for value. People want to know that they’re getting the most for their money. As a service to local consumers, we offer this guide to the best deals and worst deals in Humboldt County.

Worst Deal: Bigfoot. In decline since his 1968 film debut, Bigfoot just doesn’t deliver. Sure every tourist trap along 101 and 299 have tapped Bigfoot to sell everything from key chains to real estate, but like most overpaid celebrities, his public appearances are exceedingly rare.

Fuel

Facial Hair

Best Deal: Firewood. So plentiful here in Humboldt, you can often find it for free, left by road maintenance crews or linemen, right along side the road. If only your car ran on the stuff.

Best Deal: Redway. No shortage of men with full beards in Redway. Redway seems to be entirely populated by Amish farmers, Rastafarians and Santa Claus clones.

Worst Deal: Gasoline. When they quote the national Lundberg Survey of gasoline prices across the US, usually Honolulu has the highest priced gas in the country, where it sells for about $.50 a gallon less than it does here. What country do they think we live in?

Worst Deal: Arcata. Men here spend entirely too much time at the barbershop. They cultivate facial hair only in carefully sculpted patches purely for fashion purposes, completely ignoring the insulation and food storage capacity of a beard.

New Laws

Arthropods

Best Deal: Marijuana possession, up to an ounce, now just an infraction. Now it will still cost you $100, and your head stash, but you won’t go to jail, you won’t have a misdemeanor on your record, and you won’t be able to demand a jury trial to argue it. No one really wants to have a jury trial over a $100 ticket anyway.

Best Deal: Dungeness Crabs. Right around Christmas you’ll find these tasty treats at unbelievably low prices. Don’t miss them when they are cheaper than chicken. Worst Deal: Deer Ticks. These stealthy little bloodsuckers can fuck you up. So watch out. When crabs are cheap, ticks are everywhere.

Bird Watching

Best Deal: Aleutian Geese. These magnificent birds migrate through here in large numbers, forming huge chevrons in the sky, visible on the ground on both sides of 101. These beautiful birds are so easy to see, in fact, it’s no surprise that the festival built around watching them went “belly up.” Worst Deal: Godwit Days. This festival gets more expensive and exclusive every year. The Godwit is not even that impressive of a bird. If they can extract bucks from Bay Area birders, more power to them, but locals have many opportunities to ogle birds for free.

MicroBrewed Beer

Best Deal: Eel River Brewing Co.’s Organic IPA. With 7.3% alcohol by volume, all organic ingredients and a very satisfying bite, at $28.80 a case, it’s my new best friend. Worst Deal: Whale Gulch Brewery. At about $5 a pint, from the store, its already pricey, but when you get home to discover it undrinkably foul, you really feel ripped off. If this happens once in a while to a home-brew, you don’t get too bent about it, but when you pay real money for a beer that turns out to be putrid, and it happens more than once, you carry a grudge.

Unexplained Phenomena Best Deal: Chem Trails. Easy to see, just look up on a sunny day. Jet contrails disappear in a few minutes, chem trails last and spread into clouds. I’ve seen them dozens of times myself. Arcatans and Eurekans probably don’t see them as much because of the fog, but the rest of us have a clear view of this, very hip and happening, unexplained phenomena.

Worst Deal: Failure to pull into the left lane when a cop has someone pulled over on the right berm, will now cost you over $700. Do not forget about this one, it can definitely ruin you trip. Drive fast and stay in the passing lane and you’ll be fine...d for speeding, drive slow in the right lane and they’ll get you for this. You can’t win out there, so you might as well stay home.

Camping

Best Deal: BLM campgrounds in the King Range. These rarely crowded campgrounds on King Peak Rd. and Chemise Mtn. Rd. offer great recreational opportunities, wildlife viewing, and very reasonable rates. You can get a permit to collect mushrooms from the Ranger Station for free. Campsites have access to pit toilets and fresh water.

Illegal Drugs

Best Deal: Marijuana. If you’re just looking for head stash, and don’t mind pot with seeds, popcorn bud or last year’s crop, you can find great deals on pot in Humboldt Co. Worst Deal: Methamphetamine. This stuff is a bad deal no matter where you get it, or how much money you pay.

Summer Festivals

Best Deal: Summer Arts and Music Festival at Benbow Lake State Recreation Area. $25 for two days of entertainment on five stages with dueling headliners both nights, a kids’ area, food, beer and what else... Oh yeah, it’s the top arts and crafts show in So-Hum. Once upon a time... there were a lot of artists in So-Hum, and SAMF was an art and craft show, with a little musical entertainment. These days, SAMF has become mostly a music and marijuana festival. Still, 150 craft artists, mostly from out of the area, put up the money to make the show happen and keep the admission price ridiculously low. So enjoy the show, but buy something hand-made. Worst Deal: Burning Man. This weekend of debauchery in the desert will set you back at least $1,000, and you will be lucky not to lose an eye or suffer some other debilitating injury as well. That dust will eventually destroy your car, camera, phone and any other gadget you took to the playa. So, the total cost of a trip to Black Rock City gets quite high, if you survive at all. Its still hella fun though!

Religion

Best Deal: Christianity. Its easy to convert, with no dietary restrictions or sartorial requirements. The worst thing that happens to you is your turn in the dunk tank. That just takes a minute. Then you are free to annoy people with questions like: Are you saved? Do you know Jesus? Have you been “Born Again?” What fun, eh? Worst Deal: Judaism. They cut your dick! If you’re born Jewish, they do it when you’re 8 days old, don’t know what’s happening and can’t do anything to stop it. If you convert, though, an old Jewish guy is gonna slice the sausage! Oh yeah... no sausage, bacon or ham, and no cheeseburgers for Christ’s sake! There you have some of the best and worst deals in Humboldt County. If you can find a better deal anywhere else...Take it!

Worst Deal: Patrick’s Point or Benbow St. Park. Now that they charge $35 a night for a place to set up your own tent, they’re rarely crowded either. You might as well get a hotel at that price, enjoy the continental breakfast and let someone else make the bed.

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SAVAGE HENRY NEWS WIRE

POLL: ColecoVision Ranked Most Popular Video Game Console

Chris Durant, staff

A lot of first dates involve a dinner or a lunch. An eating interaction. And since both parties are usually in a guarded ‘I don’t want to look like a giant pig’ mode, they order salads. Here is a guide that I’ve come up with after years of staring at other people eating in public. You can get a pretty good idea of the person you’re out with from their choice of salad dressing.

Oil and Vinegar = Boring Italian = Slightly less boring Creamy Italian = A smooth, yet still boring person Vinaigrette = They don’t think they’re boring because they listen NPR. They are probably the most boring. Goddess = Wannabe lesbian Ranch = Not used to ordering food while sitting at a table Blue Cheese = A more sophisticated ranch French = A superiority complex Thousand Island = Unimaginative and kind of gross Asian = Know it all Caesar = A great lover... of themselves Honey Mustard = Bipolar No dressing = A serial killer Walnut = Coo-Coo

What’s missing here?

Your ad!

If you want stuffy-shirted, no humor-havin’, big-ass jerks as your customers, don’t advertise with us. But if you want some cool-as-eff folks that are down like the syndrome, then you are in the right place. email advertising@ savagehenrymagazine.com

(ULAN BATOR, MONGOLIA) The ColecoVision home video game system is a hit in the yurts of Mongolia, narrowly edging the Intellivision gaming console for the annual honors in this Central Asian high desert country. Odyssey, Atari 2600 and the hand-held, battery-operated Mattel Classic Football finished further down in polling. Released in 1982, the ColecoVision system has retained steady popularity among teens and young adults of these yak

herding peoples, said to be the ancestral offspring of the Ghengis Khan clan. The Xbox 360 and the Nintento Wii consoles were left out of the survey, as the retail price of a single model of those consoles exceeds the country’s gross national product.

Medical Marijuana Used to Treat Actual, Medical Condition (ARCATA, CALIF.) For the first time since the enacting legislation was adopted 15 years ago, medical marijuana has been used in California to treat a bona fide, diagnosed medical illness.

Known as Proposition 215, the voter-enacted law made it legal in 1996 for sufferers of severe medical conditions to “Frankly, I’m speechless,” said Kevin Hoover, editor of the cultivate and use marijuana. small college town (pop. 22,000)’s weekly newspaper the Arcata However, up until now the Eye. “I, um... Wow,” Hoover continued before trailing off. law has been exploited by perfectly able-bodied people who just want to get high The precedent-setting patient, Arcata resident Ulysees and play hacky sack, and by those wishing to make a few Weldon, 68, smoked a small amount of the drug Tuesday to hundred thousand dollars’ profit per year, tax free. alleviate the pain associated with his rheumatoid arthritis.

Lost Tribe Believes Y2K Disaster Really Happened

(UCAYALI, PERU) The Y2K computer glitch may have amounted to mere fodder for late night TV comedians in the developed world, but according to the inhabitants of one tribe in the remote Amazon rainforest, the so-called Millennium Bug plunged the industrialized world into a new Dark Ages. The jungle-dwelling Xtopil-Raantali people -- first cataloged by the National Geographic Society in October 2010 -- are convinced that the January 1, 2001 date change triggered the explosion of several nuclear power plants, among other catastrophes. “Great iron bird fall from sky,” explained a tribal elder known only as “Htyexil,” through a translator -- in apparent reference to supposed mass airline failures. “Fire machine? Wheeled

HOMELESS DUDE: Bigfoot Brought Down Building 7 (EUREKA, CALIF.) World Trade Center Building 7 was not destroyed by terrorists on September 1, 2001, nor was it -- as some conspiracy theorists would have it -- taken down by controlled demolition. Rather, the 47-story building that formerly stood in Midtown Manhattan collapsed due to the nefarious acts of an ape-like creature said to inhabit remote regions of the Pacific Northwest. This, according to a homeless bum in the Old Town neighborhood of this small seaport town on California’s north coast.

“It wasn’t hit by no plane,” the man, known as “Shifty,” said to reporters yesterday. “And where’n the fuck do you think

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chariot? No more, no more,” the elder said of the tribe’s mistaken belief in the complete demise of computers and motor vehicles, respectively. The tribe, which lacks access to radio, television or other media outlets, regards as a holy script a weathered copy of the November 1999 issue of the Art Bell After Dark newsletter. It is unknown how the newsletter -- the tribe’s sole example of printed material -- came into its possession. Bigfoot was that morning? Huh? He was settin’ off his dad-blamin’ bombs in Buildin’ 7, that’s where!”, Shifty continued between drags on a home-rolled cigarette. The homeless man went on to attribute the collapse of Lehman Brothers to Chupacabra which, Shifty said, was responsible for “openin’ short-sale derivative positions on NASDAQ like the drunken sumbitch he is!” on the eve of that firm’s liquidity crisis.

Horoscopes by Craig the Clairvoyant,

the Everyman’s Oracle

ed note- Madame Specifica is really off the grid. In December we received a postcard from her from Monaco. She mentioned being pregnant with Vladamir Putin’s child and she had to break ties. She suggested one of her apprentices from New Hampshire. Craig. Craig the Clairvoyant, the Everyman’s Oracle. A ries March 20 - April 20

An inebriated old man yells at you. You don’t understand a word he says but the image of that one lone front tooth in his lower jaw bobbing up and down sticks with you for the rest of your life. “So I asked him to get me pregnant and he rolled over and said he was too tired to carry on the genetic superiority of his race, so I called him out for what he was...a fag.” — Women speaking to one another over dinner at the Alibi “If that doesn’t kill him, that jungle rot will eat him up.” — K St. Arcata

“The only thing about Trinidad is... you have to watch out for hugs.” — Somewhere in Trinidad “If you find it on your door and it’s not yours, you have to call it feces.” — Bar row Arcata “I looked at his colonoscopy. He’s a perfect asshole.” — Behind Old Town Bar and Grill site in Eureka

Man: “Have you caught that unicorn yet?” Woman: “No. I’m still hungry.” — In line at Winco in Eureka

“No jokes about AIDS before coffee.” — Somewhere in McKinleyville

“I tried it. Every guy tries it, just to see what it’s like. It’s not like regular milk. It doesn’t taste good, but babies like it.” — At the Meadows Cafe in Redway

“What is that stuff called that goes in their dreads, or something... starts with a P?” — Somewhere in Trinidad

“God-damnit. Now I have to fix all these ladies moustaches.” — Laying out Savage Henry

“Look Mommy! Fat people!.” — A kid about 6 years old at the Bayshore Mall Guy: “You guys have any Hu rricane?” Clerk: “No.” Guy: “That’s depressing.” — Rays in McKinleyville

ses.” “My great grandma was born with two uteru ?” “Really? How many are we suppose to have — Outside Luke’s Joint in Arcata

“If your face don’t get too ugly, I might think about it.” — Manila

“Red Rocks was so rad! Except that I got jumped by those six Phish kids...” — NW corner of Arcata Plaza

Mail your eavesdropping on a postcard to PO Box 1196 Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it. Or go look for the button on our website.

Taurus April 20 - May 21

You get overcharged at Ray’s Shop Smart again. They balk at refunding your money, like they always do, and you end up spending 15 minutes to settle a $0.79 discrepancy. Of course, if they caught you stealing a $0.79 item, you’d go to jail. So make sure you at least get your $0.79 back from the bastards.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

A child will innocently ask you a very personal question. Just lie. Better for an 8-year-old to learn that adults lie, than to hear the sordid details of your private life. Without an insatiable adult libido to reference, the kid would just think you an insane idiot anyway.

C ancer June 21 - July 22

You manage to avoid the Humboldt Crud this year... until today. Yesterday you were full of dreams, and could breath through your nose. Tomorrow, you will struggle just to keep from drowning in your own mucus.

Leo July 22 - August 23

You will meet a tall handsome stranger. Within a few moments you will realize that his strangeness trumps his height and good looks. You try to overlook it for a while, but after he “speaks in tongues” a few times in public, you begin to avoid him.

Virgo August 23 - September 23

You get a letter from your landlord demanding that you move out. You lose a night’s sleep over it. Then you oscillate between rage and depression for the next week as you scramble to find a place. Then you run into your landlord in the Co-Op. He comes over, all smiles, and tells you he’s changed his mind and you can stay. You’re relieved of course, but resentments linger.

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Libra September 23 - October 23

You will spend entirely too much time playing video games this month. Remember that predator drone pilots far from the battlefield have the highest incidents of PTSD of all combat soldiers. All of those hours of “Call of Duty” may have long-term consequences.

Scorpio October 23 - November 22 Reading Carl Hiassen’s new book, “Star Island” helps you avoid Seasonal Affect Disorder this winter. In the future, keep a couple of his books around for just that purpose. Sagittarius November 22-December 22

That creepy uncle you tried to be nice to at the family holiday gathering keeps calling you. Avoid his calls and don’t call him back. Think of something nice to say at his funeral and avoid saying anything to, or about him until then. Trust me!

C apricorn December 22 - January 20 Your cat coughs up a hairball on your phone. You discover it when an early morning call awakes you. You snatch the phone off the nightstand and smear cat vomit all over your cheek as you try to answer. It’s a wrong number. Aquarius January 20 - February 18

For the third time this year, wood-rats have disabled your vehicle. Last time, they clogged your air cleaner with acorns. Time before that, they bit through the radiator hoses. This time they chewed through the electronic fuel ignition wires. You need a cat.

Pisces February 18 - March 20 Don’t swallow those pills! Its not as bad as you think. Also, those pills are not as strong as you think; even if you wash them down with vodka, you’ll just wake up on the floor, in a puddle of vomit, with a killer hangover. Get some sleep, things will look better in the morning. 57

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