Issue #66 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we got that facebook thing too.

STILL DOESN’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INDICA AND SATIVA | Chris Durant HIGH ON LIFE | Monica Durant GREEN QUEEN | Sarah Godlin

SOMEONE OR SOMETHING | Josh Duke

Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Adam Jacobs, Tiffany Greysen, C.B. Kelly, Patrick Dangermond, Will Toblerone, Sean Green,Tommy Lucero, Scott Bowser, Spencer Devine, Lydia Popovich, Seth Milstein, Justin Bieber

If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville Zeke Herrera - Denver

Letter from an Editor These weed jokes don’t write themselves.

We had a whole new crop of writers come in for this, our 6th Harvest Issue. These dopes have gone to pot, and now you can go with them.

We had to trim down some articles and cultivate a few other ones, cause the market demands it. Don’t soil yourselves, this isn’t a clone of all those other dumb marijuana rags out there.

We won’t give you grow tips, or have models in bikinis doing dabs or (you do dabs right? Not smoke them? Am I right here?) or any of that other stuff you find in those dime a dozen publications.

We have jokes and jokes and joke and jokes…. about weed and growers and trimmers and all that goes with that lifestyle, the 4:20 lifestyle if you will. Our sixth one, Jesus Christ. Six Harvest Issues….that just hit me.

While I try to find out where all that time went, please enjoy issue #66 of Savage Henry Magazine… The Harvest Issue. Chris Durant Editor

FOR CHRIS The difference between: INDICA & SATIVA

ADVERTISING

advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com

SUBSCRIPTIONS

12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

-SG

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 5

Parental Warning This magazine is full of bad stuff. -SG

Table Of Terrible

Letters to the Editors............................................................9 Secret Stoned: Go Undercover High.................................. 11 Stoners vs. Stoners.............................................................13 Rappers’ Real Names.........................................................15 Cliff Hanker, Episode 1: Trimming the Fat.......................17 Top 40 Halloween Costumes of 2015................................19 Worst New Weed Names...................................................21 #NewNames.......................................................................23 Fat Nug Wonderint.............................................................25 Willie Nelson’s Will Gets Leaked......................................27 Things That Have Changed in Denver...............................29 Mother of Two Who Voted for The Legalization of Marijuana is Disappointed When She Realizes That No One Cares About Legalizing Cocaine............................................................31 Scariest Outside the Box Costume Ideas...........................33 THC-Span..........................................................................35 Things you can do with your unwanted weeds..................37 Why Aliens Choose Farmers.............................................39 Hello Dolly.........................................................................41 Interview with Lydia Popovich..........................................43 Bowser’s Financial Advice................................................49 On the cover Sports Gambling................................................................51 This Shit is for Reels..........................................................53 The final donor for our “Keep Savage Confused Grower...............................................................57 Henry Free Campaign” from last year is If I Was Your Boyfriend.....................................................59 Will from Vermicrop Organics. Thanks Ben’s 10.............................................................................61 again for all of our donors and for Album Reviews..................................................................63 making the crowd-sourcing campaign a Catty Mean Girl.................................................................64 huge success. Stay tuned for more ways A Lonely Man’s Guide to Thanksgiving............................67 for you, the reader, can help Savage Six beers Deep Deep..........................................................69 Henry in the near future. You can start Hotel Review.....................................................................71 by checking out our shows, calendar is The Garden of Weeden......................................................73 online @ savagehenrymagazine.com. Grow Site Mad-Libs..........................................................75 Dispensary Employment Application................................77 EavesDroppings.................................................................78 www.savagehenrymagazine.com 7

Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted. Hi!

Savage Henry should come to Reno! Why? Because we are fucking awesome, that’s why! We finally started opening dispensaries, we accept out of state patients, and we just put “recreational use” on the Nevada ballot for 2016! Reno doesn’t have to be about Gambling, Debauchery, and Divorce! We are a booming Art scene! We are on the verge of a positive transition and cultural revolution closely connected with West Coast culture! We want to show the everyone what we actually have to offer and I believe that your magazine can bridge that gap. -Sa Misiura

ed - Thanks, Sa. We’re in Reno….sort of. Try the Mellow Fellow in Reno. Other than that we’re down for suggestions for places who may want to get a commercial subscription. Let us know! Hey, I’m from Hayfork in Trinity County and we’re not getting any of your newspapers out here. We’d love to get a box of the Harvest Issue. Peace.

Hey there, My name is Sarah. I grew up in South San Jose. I recently just got back to the states from a 10 month trip in South East Asia. Now I’m roaming the hills of Humbolt [sic] and parts of Northern California and I’ve become inspired by their truth, beauty, and love. I just finished a small excerpt of my experience up in the hills during this trim season and the life and privilege of dating a grower. I will send you a copy and if you find it to tickle your toenail I would be super happy and honoured if it could go into one of the next monthly printouts. Peace, Sarah

Awwww, how cute. But we mostly print fart jokes in our monthly printouts. - Sarah G, Ed.

ed note - Hi, thanks for getting in touch. if Hayfork refers to Savage Henry as it’s “newspaper”, there’s a certain responsibility to the community. We’ll try... and if you’re reading this I guess we pulled it off.

Se nd yo ur co m m en ts, attit ud es, prop s or wh atev er el se to ed ito r@ sa va ge he nrym agazin e.c om Or th e ad dress on th e po stca rd be lo w will w ork to o. ;) Al l pe rs pe cti ves are w el co m e. 8

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 9

Secret Stoned: Go Undercover High Beware; THE MAN doesn’t want you to be high. I don’t want to make you paranoid but… we all know you’re high and I’m standing behind you! SIKE! Gotcha… Aww man, I’m high all the time but sometimes you don’t want folks knowing that you’re high… so here are some helpful tips for hiding your high.

1. Smell

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Boom, now you are highing in plain sight.

Duh, it will give you away every time so just carry around a skunk, alive or dead, doesn’t matter. The idea here is the smell of the skunk will cover up the smell of you. Perfect plan… next.

ST TIME! IT’S HARVE OME HERE WE C OUTPOST NTER GARDEN CE

2. Eyes

Ok, real simple… your eyes will be bloodshot and pupils dilated, so the best way to hide them from cops is jam a couple dinner forks right into your eyes, leave there for effect and go about your day. The idea here is, the cops can’t tell if your eyes are red if they have been physically destroyed…. Next.

3. Stoner Slang

Ronzo’s Gonna Be Pissed ..We Drank All The Beer

Talking will always get you into trouble, so simple solution… Take 20-40 pieces of bubblegum and jam them into your mouth, also make a sign that says “Going for Guinness World Record in chewing gum,” and everyone will just leave you alone or cheer you on. Now you are a star… next.

4. Paraphernalia

Dumbest way to get caught. If you have to carry any pipes, bongs, dab rigs, joints, blunts, gravity bongs or bubblers there is only one way to do it… KEYSTER it baby. You’d be surprised what you can do if you put your mind to it. Idea here is, cops don’t want to go up there but it’s your butt, so who cares… next.

5. Acting High Pink Lady Chickamasas ROCK!

Dang dude, I almost forgot about this one (cause I’m high). Acting high will always get you caught, so your best bet is obviously pretending like you are sleepwalking. Wear pajamas, with our without footies, and a sign that says, “It’s dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, Thank You.” People will obey the sign and will appreciate the politeness of it. Boom, now you are highing in plain sight. Enjoy it friends and I’m behind you… Please don’t do any of these things, instead just use Axe body spray and a Baja Blast Mountain Dew.

What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month? Ravensburger puzzles. These are the cure for weed induced anxiety.

BUY A TRIM-PAL OR TRIMINATOR AND WE’LL DONATE $100 TO THE BRIDGEVILLE SCHOOL SYSTEM Find Everything Under The Sun For Harvest At The Outpost Garden Center 10

Mile Marker 19.5 On Highway 36 OutpostGardenCenter.com • Like Us On Facebook

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 11

Stoners vs. Stoners: Don’t invite the wrong one over

Feel like hanging out with your stoner buddies? Well, make sure you don’t call the wrong ones; could turn your party into a Biblical night of justice.

Narcos comes out on Netflix.

Someone insults the Qur’an.

You want these stoners:

Chris Durant, staff

Just got Star Wars Battlefront on opening day and have a case of Code Red Mountain Dew. You want these stoners:

Not these stoners: Not these stoners:

Not these stoners:

C.B. Kelly

Have too much pizza? Both! All the stoners! Who doesn’t love pizza?

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Rappers’ Real Names

Zack Newkirk, staff

It’s often surprising to hear a rapper’s real name contrasted with his or her stage name. Snoop Doggy Dogg is really named Calvin Broadus, for instance. Wow. Wow. Here are some more real, given birth names of some famous rappers. You might be shocked:

Wiz Khalifa -- Real name: Cameron Jibril Thomaz. What? Ice Cube -- Real name: O’Shea Jackson. Wow.

Dr. Dre -- Real name: Andre Young. Are you kidding me?

Lil Wayne -- Real name: Terry Bolea. Geez louise.

Kanye West -- Real name: Tim Clamley, Sr. No way. Nicki Minaj -- Real name: Jason Weedles, of Oxnard. Wow.

Kendrick Lamar -- Real name: Prince William, Duke of Cambridge. Get outta here.

Jay Z -- Real name: Zippers T. Gigglespit. This can’t be real, but it is.

Iggy Azalea -- Real name: Abraham Greenbaum. Unbelievable.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis -- Real name: Rick Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Wowee wow wow. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 15

Cliff Hanker, Episode 1: Trimming the Fat Seth Milstein, contributor

Hank was under the gun. Harvest had happened and he’d alienated all the trimmers by just generally being not that likable. They were quietly on the verge of walking away when Hank broke out a recording of his punk rock Grateful Dead cover band “Dead As F*ck.” Most of them would have powered through an average length album but when he gleefully announced on the way to the bathroom that he recorded their entire catalogue in one weekend, he returned to an empty trim room and a note that read, “Hank, you suck! Good luck!” It would have taken the lot of them working 16 hour days the whole weekend to get through it. While calculating the work that was ahead of him Hank’s face became hot with paranoia. The gun he was under was closer to literal than metaphorical because these were drug dealers. They had overhead, clients, deadlines, and above all, they had friggin’ guns! If he wasn’t able to deliver this harvest on time he was as good as dead. Furiously scrolling through his phone he realized his social life is constructed completely of acquaintances. Not one of these people would take a weekend off to rescue him. He tried anyway…every one of them. If he could take these social cues it just wouldn’t be him. He finally resigned himself to the task at hand. The Trim. He proceeded through his current bushel. Then through the rest of the table’s. Anytime he thought about the consequences his hands instinctively moved faster. A furious cloud of stems, leaves, and duck feet surrounded him at all times. Hank worked around the clock. His neck and shoulders locked up. His hands became sticky mitts. Eventually, against all odds, he completed the harvest just as the growers showed up to weigh out the product. Exhausted, he collapsed in the corner as his employers moved toward the next phase. He laughed to himself in delirium and decided to kiss each of his nine fingertips for helping save his life…NINE?!! Apparently, Hank got careless with the scissors. Too out of it to feel any pain and sticky enough to not bleed, he literally dropped a digit on the table. He frantically sifted through the 75 lbs he’d trimmed, but to no avail. He sparked a spliff to ease into the reality of being a minorleague amputee. It tasted…off.

I’m having a shitty season, like when Rosanne won the lottery. @bloglin Photo by Dutch Savage 16

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The Top 40 Halloween Costumes of 2015 Are you a boring, unoriginal loser who only orders your Halloween costumes out of shitty catalogs in an effort to fit in, keep up with the trends of today, and to ultimately attempt to get drunk, stoned, and laid this holiday season? Let’s help your dumb, mindless ass out a little bit. Here are the “Top 40” (you recognize that term, right?) costumes hitting the shelves and your Amazon web page for dipshits like you to shell out a brick of money to wear just one night this year. You’re welcome, idiot.

Y DM L B EE , B D I RD & BAT F R IEN MEN A FE RT L I I LI ZE RS AND SO

ENTS

All products CDFA approved.

Willem Dafoe’s Face Gay Edgar Hoover Yucky Poop

Check out our full catalog of products.

Camo Toe A Dolphin Hitler

planborganics.com

Portlandia de los Muertos Scrotum Pole Dreadlock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels Trump the Insult Comic Dog N.W.AIDS Big Ugly Dead Guy’s Dick The Pacific Garbage Patch Werewolf Blitzer Leftovers Boring Loser with No Costume

Find a retailer near you ~ planborganics.com Wholesale inquires email ~ emeht1@planborganics.com

Lyle Lovett Anatomically Correct Amoeba Rat Teeth

Dutch Savage, staff

Princess Di-abetic Savage Henry Sexy Willem Dafoe’s Face Sexy Gay Edgar Hoover Sexy Yucky Poop Sexy Camo Toe Sexy A Dolphin Hitler Sexy Portlandia de los Muertos Sexy Scrotum Pole Sexy Dreadlock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels Sexy Trump the Insult Comic Dog Sexy N.W.AIDS Sexy Big Ugly Dead Guy’s Dick Sexy The Pacific Garbage Patch Sexy Werewolf Blitzer Sexy Leftovers Sexy Boring Loser with No Costume Sexy Lyle Lovett Sexy Anatomically Correct Amoeba Sexy Rat Teeth Sexy Princess Di-abetic Sexy Savage Henry

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2015’s Worst New Weed Names

Adam Jacobs, contributor

We all know you weed growers have a wacky sense of humor, but these new strain names are just horrible, gang, let’s do better next time.

Photo by Dutch Savage

Hitler Hashplant The Colonel’s Secret 11 Herbs & Spices Alaska Stinkiest Catch John Travolta Kush American Idol’s Ryan Seedless Mama’s Flapjacks

Hasidic Haze Moldy BUDDZ Boy Scout Patches Wet Dream Chem Trails Racist’s Choice Conan O’Bongin Turducken Bill Cosby Nightnight MMAfghan Kush Monster Energy Haze RedBull Dream Blue Dreamweaver Gas Giver OG Emoji or EmOG Klu Klux Kush

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Introducing Savage Henry’s new interactive game: #NewNames with @CornellReid!

#NewNames

Cornell Reid, staff

This month - DISPENSARY NAMES Bong Fillers Roger Dabbit George W. Kush Dominugs Chronkey Chron The Church of Highentology Disneyland (but instead of rides we sell weed) Free* Weed! *not free 311’s House Trees of Mystery

Next issue is Gambling. Do you have an idea for a great new Race Horse Name? Tweet it to @cornellreid on Twitter with the hashtag #newnames & I’ll feature my favorites in the next issue. 22

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 23

It’s Crunch Time... Do you want THIS GUY to decide if you are ready for harvest? WATER? “Dam the creek...” BUGS? “Fumigate, dude...” SOIL? “The red bag...” TINY PLANTS? “More clones...” DISEASE? “It’ll be fine...” MOLD? “Trim it good...” A 1% difference in yields can be worth $1000s. Set up a consultation today.

BE A PRO, NOT A BRO!

Science-based solutions for your growing needs.

Dirty Business Soil Call today for your appointment (707) 633-8885 DBSanalytics.com

Fat Nug Wondering Which Entitled Asshole Will Justify Trimming It Next Amidst a pile of other perfectly lovely, well tendedto, and decently trimmable nugs (by any sensible person’s standards), there rests a dense, thick, moldfree, dinosaur egg-sized nug that is relatively positive that some godawful miscreant will be reaching for it any moment now. The nug, all too familiar with this commonplace practice, was relatively sardonic at time of the interview- with a western European whiff of culture, and an Eastern Russian’s sense of futility.

“Ugh, everyone knows not to cherry-pick. Everyone says they know, anyway,” said the nug, listlessly lighting a clove cigarette after finishing its third bottle of sherry that morning. “But I see this all the time. It doesn’t matter if it’s the person who brought you to this particular trim scene, the grower’s partner, the fastest trimmer, spoiled rave kids, East-coasters, someone who is just bored, or any other entitled moron who feels they deserve to trim me more than other honest workers, I can just feel it in the air. I know some piece of shit is going to trim me, having pretended not to see me in their pile beforehand. I mean, I’m a nug, not some goddamn charlatan.”

Photo by Dutch Savage

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Sources have confirmed that the misanthropic nug was in fact later trimmed by a guy who “brought everyone there anyway, so, like, you know. Right?”

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Willie Nelson’s Will Gets Leaked Chris Durant and Zeke Herrera, staff

Willie Nelson is 273 years old, so needless to say he has a final will and testament. Well, we got our hands on it, and here it is!

Last Willie & Testament To my tour bus driver, Skittles, I leave my stash box that’s under the third bunk in the fourth tour bus. To my roadie, Skunker, I leave the stash box that’s in the amp cabinet, the big one… the Marshall one. To my manager, Skooter, I leave my stash box that’s in your desk in your office. To my bass player, Skanker, I leave my stash box that’s been in your beard for the last 20 years. To my agent, Skipper, I leave my stash box that’s buried in my backyard since that one IRS raid. The first one.

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Things That Have Changed in Denver It’s been nearly two years since recreational marijuana became legal in the state of Colorado. Here are some changes the people in Denver have noticed since it became legal. Denver now boasts of it’s “One Rolls Royce to One Child” ratio in all its public schools. The NBA franchise is now known as the “Kind Nugs.” Denver’s homeless population all have hoverboards. Every store is either a dispensary or a 7-11.

Jail overcrowding is no longer an issue, because the only people in jail now are Bronco’s fans with DUIs and mass shooters. When they talk about their tomato harvest, they are really talking about tomatoes.

Cops have started a crossword club with all their spare time. McDonald’s now serves breakfast at night...because of Denver. The entire public transportation system in Denver is 5 VW busses. Photo by Dutch Savage

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Mother of Two Who Voted for The Legalization of Marijuana is Disappointed When She Realizes That No One Cares About Legalizing Cocaine (names and locations have been changed)

Tiffany Greyson, contributor

Bortland, Zoregon - Jane Doe, mother of two, who has been a diehard supporter of the legalization of marijuana movement since the movement started, felt terribly disappointed when she realized that all her efforts were lost and there are no big plans to legalize cocaine. “I spent months and months actively supporting the legalization of marijuana, with the unspoken understanding that cocaine would be next. This has been really difficult for me; none of it really makes sense. How did a bunch of stoners actually get this passed on their own? The average everyday stoner can’t even manage to stick to a deadline, clean a bathroom, or put together an Ikea couch, let alone manage to pass a bill. It just made so much sense, everyone knows that legalizing marijuana is the gateway to legalizing cocaine. “Now I’m just hurt. I worked all those months, and I really just want some support. By the reaction I’ve gotten from some of the marijuana-parents, you would think that I was asking these people to vaccinate their kids. “I still have a small amount of hope that we can move forward with legalizing cocaine. I still wonder if everyone is still just super-stoned to start up the next round. Honestly, I really think our kids suffer when their parents are stoned, while on the other-hand the children of parents who are on coke seem to be so active and helpful. Everything is easier on cocaine, breakfast is made before anyone gets up. A bump at lunchtime keeps the weight down. Another bump for dinner to get through homework, then another bump so you can stay up to power wash the driveway. Marijuana just makes you think that you are listening to the longest song you’ve ever heard, and that everyone is saying mean things to you in code. Why don’t I smoke marijuana? Cocaine is the only choice for me and my family.” 30

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Scariest Outside the Box Costume Ideas Halloween has come and gone. Did you do your job as a parent? Well, judging from the eggs on your house and forks in the lawn, you fucked up. Did you dress your kid up as the same old tired-ass vampire? What about just buying the mask? Face it, no one is scared of a zombie with a SpongeBob shirt and Velcro shoes. Or maybe you are one of those “dress my kid as a pumpkin” parents…may God have mercy on your soul. Well, we here at Savage Henry have compiled a list of the scariest “outside of the box” costumes so that next year you won’t hang your head in shame as you clean toilet paper out of the trees. Maybe that’s why you and your spouse are having problems? Just saying. Anyway, here they are. Remember to thank Savage Henry for saving next year’s Halloween and your marriage.

Josh Argyle, staff

Banker

Trick or treat, there is no gold behind your money.

Broken Condom

Trick or treat, you’re my daddy.

Police Officer

Good evening, I represent the oppressive and growing militarization of our police force. I exist only to protect the interest of the rich. This is a candy shakedown.

9/11 Truther

Trick or treat! Jet fuel can’t melt steel, and what about building 7?

Blogger

Did you know Halloween is just a construct used by the patriarchy to keep us down? It’s racist. Halloween should really check its privilege. I know how it feels to be oppressed; I’m a well-off good looking white woman who goes to a liberal arts college.

Dressed Street Clothes

Trick or treat, I’m you from the past. You know, the you who never gave up on their dreams.

Charlie Chaplin

Happy Halloween. Let’s face it, no matter how hard I try I look like Hitler. It’s physical comedy Hitler, but still Hitler.

Guy on fire

Trick or treat, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I’M ON FIRE! JESUS H CHRIST! THERE BETTER BE WATER IN THAT CANDY DISH!

Allergic to everything

Happy Halloween, I am allergic to peanuts, nougat, caramel, chocolate, almonds, and anything gummy. This holiday is clearly not for me.

Child with a Gun

Happy Halloween, yup, you are Meme by Dutch Savage getting robbed. Now run that shit! www.savagehenrymagazine.com 33

THC-Span • 12 ROTATING TAPS • BEER COCKTAILS • FULL BAR • DAILY SPECIALS • HOUSE INFUSED LIQUORS • OUTDOOR SEATING • HUMBOLDT MADE ARTISAN DISHES

Chris Durant and Zeke Herrera, staff

Well it was only a matter of time with legalization and medicinal marijuana becoming available in more states that the there would be a basic cable channel totally devoted to pot coverage. Low and behold THC-Span, and they’re debut schedule.

8 a.m. - 10 a.m.

Steve Makes Breakfast. What’s for breakfast? Ask Steve!

10 ish to noon

Steve Thinks About Doing Something That Day Maybe he’ll go down to the farmer’s market, perhaps to the flea market. Who knows...It’s Steve!

Noon to 12:20

Steve May Have to Shit, He’s Not Sure Maybe, maybe not.

12:30 - 1 p.m.

The Andy Griffith Show

1:05 - 2:05 p.m. 1300 CENTRAL AVE MCKINLEYVILLE • 839-7580 • SIXRIVERSBREWERY.COM

Steve just wanted to be like throwback WTBS shows starting at five after the hour.

2:05 - 3:37 p.m.

Steve fucks around on Facebook, most of the time spent saying he’s going to comedy shows and events with no intention on ever going.

3:38 - 4:00 p.m.

Steve tries for 22 minutes to try and remember his ex-girlfriend’s Netflix Login info. Quits and….. Hulu instead, 2 and a half hours of “An Evening at the Improv.”

6:30 - 8:30 p.m.

Steve may or may not have fallen asleep.

8:30 p.m.- 1 a.m.

Steve orders a pizza and binge watches Cagney and Lacey.

1:05 a.m.

End of our broadcast day.

Photo by Dutch Savage 34

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Things you can do with your unwanted weeds

we can’t wait

to show you our goods

Patrick Dangermond, contributor

•

Blend them into a healthy green snack

•

Repurpose them into houseplants. One man’s weed is another man’s…not weed?

•

Save them for next year! They joy of weeding is its own reward.

•

Form them into a bouquet and give them to blind relatives

•

Dissect them! It’s much less messy than a frog.

•

Smoke them! They’re free and who knows right?

•

Use them as a building block to a rewarding freegan lifestyle!

•

Wear them in your lapel. It’s the next best thing to a boutonnière.

•

Fool your drug dealer friends with a hilarious prank! They’ll love it!

•

Cause an international biological disaster by planting them in another country.

•

Trade them with your friends. It’s like Pokemon for hippies!

This is just a small step into the magical world of repurposing weeds. Think twice the next time you go to weed your yard; you could be throwing away a new way of life!

Monthly Confession

Mon-Sat: 8am-6pm Sun: 9am-5pm

(707) 826-7435 Hwy. 101, between Eureka & Arcata in the Bracut Industrial Park

My child’s kindergarten teacher made sure to comment on how interesting she thought it was that my child called scissors “Fiskars”. -SG www.savagehenrymagazine.com 37

Why Aliens Choose Farmers

Spencer Devine, contributor

There are still those who claim that they not only believe aliens exist, but report to have been abducted and taken into space on a UFO, usually farmers in rural areas where there are no witnesses. My question is: why farmers? The aliens, I’m sure, are playing some sort of strategic game in who they choose, predominantly men alone in fields, and cows, also alone in fields. Chances are they believe that the more remote the location the higher the likelihood that a) nobody will believe the abductee, and b) there won’t be many, if any, witnesses to the crime. By robbing people from the middle of corn fields, they could supposedly make a quick getaway without too much chance of being seen. These are possibilities. I cannot, however, express to the aliens how disappointed I am at their sloppy record, and their narrow mindedness in abductee selection. First off, crop circles must be addressed. How can you be so sloppy as to leave behind some giant graffiti burned into a field for everyone to see the next day? If your whole mindset of grabbing agricultural individuals is to achieve privacy, then you really didn’t think this one through. You must figure the aliens know about crop circles; hell, there’s been so many ya’d think word would’ve gotten around the alien community. That means they’re either too lazy to adapt their technology to not burn earth grass, or it’s a purposeful “F-You” to humans because nobody will believe them anyways. Are aliens attracted to good work ethic? Do they really love the produce? Surely they could have found a way to grab city folk too; after all, they did travel through space to get here. I’d love to hang out with some aliens, but instead I get passed up for someone foolish enough to wander into a field at night. Also, ya don’t have any mind-erasing technology, aliens? Ya just send people back to tell all the stories they want? I’d figure that even with the credibility of the story being tentative, they might wanna put some sort of PR block on this shit somehow. Instead of keeping a low profile, aliens just let people talk about them. If aliens are out there, they have done a terrible job at anonymity, despite what I hope weren’t their best efforts at being anonymous. 38

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Hello Dolly!

Lydia Popovich, contributor

I have what some people may refer to as an unhealthy obsession with Miss Dolly Parton. I’m not collecting loose wig hairs or buying used eyelashes on E-Bay but on several occasions I have stared through a crack in a fence at Dollywood for upwards of 2 hrs waiting for her to emerge from the Chasing Rainbows museum so that I can take a picture of her as she waves and climbs into her van. At this point you are thinking one and/or two things:

1. Are you high? That sounds a lot like stalking. 2. What the fuck is Dollywood?

The answers are yes, and Dollywood is an amusement park built and maintained by Dolly Parton in the Smoky Mountains of Eastern Tennessee – Pigeon Forge, to be exact. It’s been open for 30 years. Dollywood is not a kitschy explosion of lipstick, boobs, and fake eyelashes as one might expect. It’s one of the top rated parks in the United States. It’s won countless awards and stays competitive by adding a new thrill ride every year. I’ve been a season pass holder for the last five years.

It’s the PERFECT place to get high as fuck and ride roller coasters. It’s so important to get high and do the things you love. Weed will help you love harder, love deeper than you ever thought possible. Because at its core weed is loving truth – and so is Dolly Parton.

Which is why I make a point each fall to visit TN with enough edibles to put down a small village. Edibles and amusement parks go together like mustard and footlong corndogs. Thunderhead is hands down my favorite ride in the park. It’s wooden. It’s fast as shit. I always tell folks to lock the lap bar down farther than you are comfortable with. Because this shit is so fast you catch air and that little wiggle room you left for your poncha* suddenly turns into a terrifyingly thrilling game of OH SHIT AM I GONNA FLY OUT THIS BITCH? IS THIS HOW I DIE? Personally, I like to keep the wiggle room because I am confident in my destiny. I know I won’t die because the universe has BIGGER plans for me. Besides, even if I did accidentally die, people will have to explain my death using the sentence, “She died at Dollywood, high as fuck.” 40

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 41

Lydia Popovich

Bulls Eye Supply

Putting Weed and Jokes Together

ve Got You Covered ’ e W

Isaac Kozell, staff

San Francisco comic Lydia Popovich is fresh off of Savage Henry Fest and on to even bigger things. She’s a full time performer with a full time day job, which means she knows how to hustle. I caught up with Popovich after the festival to talk about her weed-friendly comedy show, her upcoming plans, and Dolly Parton. If you want to make a fun game out of this interview, take a hit every time Dolly Parton is mentioned (and make sure you’re near a comfortable seat because spoiler alert: Dolly Parton is mentioned A LOT).

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Isaac Kozell: How did Savage Henry Fest treat you? Lydia Popovich: It was good. I had a good time.

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IK: A lot of our readers will recognize you from the High Brow show that you brought to the fest. For those not familiar, can you describe the show?

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LP: I like to refer to High Brow as a social experience where comedy and marijuana get together and have a hell of a time. The whole idea is to have comics reach a point where they let loose of some of the restrictions that they normally abide by so that they can be in the moment and be in their truth. Sometimes comics do their material. Sometimes comics just go with the flow. Most of the time, comics just go with the flow because I get them incredibly, incredibly high and it’s very difficult to keep a linear train of thought when you’re that stoned. The glorious part is that the audience is also usually of a similar mindset. We encourage people to medicate themselves in the common spirit of the whole situation so that it turns into this beautiful, unique experience where everyone is sharing something that is never going to happen again. We couldn’t do it without the people in those audiences and the audiences couldn’t do it without us. Never have I had two High Brow shows that were the same. IK: Have you ever had someone on who isn’t a weed smoker, like someone who has never done it, or hasn’t done it in a long time?

LP: Yes, actually we have. I’ve had a couple of those situations. We had one situation where a comic had not smoked in five years and decided that he wanted to be a part of it. This is completely voluntary. I’m transparent with all of the comics. Sometimes people have no idea that’s what the show is. So I always tell people up front what they’re getting themselves into. I have a questionnaire that I send people so that I have an understanding of what their relationship with marijuana is so I can sort of medicate them appropriately. This gentleman hadn’t smoked in five years. We use a volcano, so it’s vapor. We don’t light up too much. He ingested two or three three foot long vapor bags and basically turned into the cutest, giggliest dude you’ve ever met in your life. His entire five minute set … three minutes of it was just him giggling uncontrollably. He kept trying to do his jokes, but he couldn’t remember

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Lydia Popovich - continued from previous page

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them and that would make him laugh. It was delightful to watch. We were all in a safe place. It was really fun, genuine and true to what we want to be. IK: So, whereas it might be irritating if a comic got too stoned at a regular show, this show promises it will happen and be different than anything else.

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LP: Exactly. I usually sit on the side of the stage and we do crosstalk. If somebody gets stuck, or there’s too long of an open space I’ll engage with them and help them out. I’ll be like, “Hey, how you doing?” or feed them jokes. We help people out along the way so nobody gets too stuck. IK: San Francisco is your home base now. Is that where you’re from originally? LP: I grew up in San Jose, which is about an hour south of San Francisco. IK: How long have you been doing stand-up? LP: Just a little over five years. IK: What are some comedy career highlights for you so far?

LP: Honestly, every night is a highlight for me. Comedy is something that brings so much joy and so much light into my life. I have a difficult time remembering what my life was like before I started doing comedy. I really, truly feel that I’m the most balanced that I’ve ever been. Comedy is such a tremendous outlet. I feel so blessed that I am able to go on stage, look people in the eye, and make them forget about whatever it was that was bothering them from that day. I’ve certainly done things that I thought were super cool and I have some things coming up that I’m very excited about. I got to perform at the HP Pavilion - where the San Jose Sharks play - with Paul Rodriquez last year as part of a fundraiser for the City of San Jose, which was amazing. My dressing room was the away team’s locker room. It was crazy. I was like, “There’s usually like 35 dudes in here. This is my dressing room?” Then to walk out into a huge arena full of people, friends, and family from my hometown was pretty special. I’m also going to be on the Oddball Festival on October 13th and I am over the moon about that. It’s a huge opportunity. It’s at Shoreline Amphitheater, which is where I saw Lollapalooza when I was 14. Never would I think that I would get to perform there. I’m thrilled. I’m also doing the Cabo Comedy Festival, which is just rad that somebody is going to pay for me to fly to Mexico for four days and tell jokes. Are you kidding me? Those kind of things are great. The fact that I get to travel, meet people, go to towns, and get a different perspective … comedy is amazing, man. It’s such a wonderful art and such a pure craft. I feel like some people don’t realize how much it brings into your life creatively. It’s such a powerful outlet. IK: You have a pretty unique obsession with Dolly Parton. LP: I am absolutely obsessed with Dolly Parton. There’s no secret there. I have a Dolly Parton tattoo. My entire bathroom is Dolly Parton. I’ve been to Tennessee three times this year. I’ve seen her in Berlin. I’ve seen every tour she’s been on for the

continued next page www.savagehenrymagazine.com 45

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Lydia Popovich - continued from previous page last six years. I have a whole bit about it. I wrote a story and won $500 for this thing about Dolly Parton and why I love her so much. I could go on and on. But the bottom line is this: Dolly Parton is an American treasure. She is one of the greatest songwriters to ever walk this earth. The wealth and breadth of what she’s contributed to our country is wildly underestimated and wildly misunderstood. Most people see her as this big boobs, fake eyelashes, glitter … they see her as kitsch. They think about Jolene and 9 to 5, but they aren’t aware of the rest of who she is and what she does. I’ve taken it on as my personal mission to sort of educate the world on the amazingness that is Miss Dolly Parton. She’s a feminist icon. She’s a phenomenal businesswoman who has a net wealth of $500 million dollars. People have no idea. She has her own amusement park, three actually, in Tennessee. She’s a huge part of my life. I go to Dollywood every year for homecoming to go see Dolly Parton. They have a parade through the middle of downtown Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, which is her hometown and she’s there. I go every year, wave to Dolly Parton, ride all of the rides, and eat all the corn dogs. It’s one of the weekends that bring me pure, unconditional love and joy. I think it’s important to love what you love and love it unapologetically. Dolly Parton is one of those things. IK: What’s your favorite Dolly Parton song? LP: It ebbs and flows. Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of darker Dolly Parton songs, kind of songs that are less traveled by. There’s a song on her album that came out last year that I’ve been obsessed with called “Banks of the Ohio.” It’s a beautiful song harmonically, but the subject matter is kind of grim. The person who is singing the song has walked into a prison cell and is

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www.savagehenrymagazine.com 47

Bowser’s Financial Advice

Scott Bowser, contributor

Not many people will tell you this. This is private information. But I must tell you a secret. The secret to saving in life is to save on your death. You can save future generations with these simple tips:

1) Ask for a ridiculous send-off.

Tell your family you want your ashes loaded into a stadium T-shirt cannon and shot up your boss’s asshole and watch how they sprinkle your ashes into the local harbor for SAVINGS.

2) Never buy life insurance.

A thing called kickstarter exists. Instead of spending your hard-earned dollars throughout life, just tell your family to plead for help on a crowdfunding platform once you finally succumb to prescription medication.

3) Bet against the Cleveland Browns

I feel utterly ridiculous

They will always suck. This is with this piece of dead generational. Instead of a fancy IRA or some other bullshit, ferret on my upper lip. just bet against the Cleveland Browns every game they play the rest of your life. Just like a mutual fund it will experience ups and downs. They’ll occasionally have 7-9 seasons where you feel gypped out on your return. Don’t worry they always have 3-13 seasons in them no matter how bright any outlook is bestowed upon them in July.

Following these financial tips will reward in immediate fun in the bad decisions you make in your day to day life. Only Trump-voting idiots won’t follow this.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

6 Ways Sports Gambling Can Bring Purpose To Your Otherwise Meaningless Existence

Sean Green, contributor

For years sports gambling was seen as a back room activity relegated to seedy Italian mafia types and the dumb, drunken Irishmen they took advantage of, but the future is upon us. As our society is entering don’t give a fuck mode, sports gambling is the perfect activity to embrace and finally start enjoying your life.

1. Free Money

Hard work, determination, and solid investing are just some of the myths about how to make money. You could get a job and waste years of your life slaving away being a cog in the wheel of some capitalist pig’s dream, or you could be your own man and get some free money by simply choosing which of two NFL teams will cover a spread.

2. Instant Motivation to Wake Up

Injury reports, line movement, hell, even the weather! When you embrace sports gambling as a lifestyle you always have some reason to get out of bed, or at the very least roll over to your side and pick up your cell phone.

3. Eliminate Need for Pointless Hobbies

Tired of wasting your life away hanging out in a dingy basement playing POGS with your dipshit friends? Instead, spend that time in the dingy basement winning money with your dipshit friends while getting severely intoxicated. Any hobby you can’t do shitfaced drunk isn’t really a hobby, and you can’t win any money in POGS -- you just win shittier POGS.

4. Increases Health and Well Being

You may not see much point in living now, but once you get into sports gambling you’ll gain a new zest for life and want to live longer. The primal scream therapy that is built into sports gambling does wonders for your heart and lungs.

5. Provides Solid Replacement for Church

It’s one thing to claim God doesn’t exist, but when you have the Kansas City Chiefs laying three at home and they try and run the clock out but they fumble it and Denver takes it to the house, then you’ll know that God doesn’t exist.

6. Is Also Enjoyed by Cool Celebrities

The most important thing when in life is whether or not celebrities also do what you’re doing. Ashton Kutcher, Charles Barkley, 50 Cent, and Jon Daly are just some of the awesome celebrities who aren’t afraid to let it ride. And of course the coolest celebrity of all time, Charlie Sheen. You know he loves WINNING! 50

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 51

| | S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | |THIS |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF| We'll start with "the story of 'tea' or 'tomatoes' - the kind millions through ignorance, have been induced to smoke," in a movie the filmmakers hope will keep kids from becoming "dope fiends.” Rita, who "always gets the fun out things," is putting her brother through college when she smokes pot and gets mixed up with a pusher in wild, though super corny, propagandistic potency. I guess She Shoulda Said No (1949). Honestly though, it’s "high time the public know the whole truth about marijuana!"

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A grandmother dies, leaving a fortune to her young adult granddaughter if she's a "good girl". Then there's marijuana users acting like weirdos but the real trouble is a scheming cousin drugging the good girl with "stronger stuff" and the town gossip assuming the worst. Then the Assassin Of Youth(1937) turns the good girl's sister into a murderous, hysterical crazy person.

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A "vicious" pot peddling elderly gentleman sells joint-infused Devil's Harvest (1942) hot dogs from across a school. A dancer from the school gets invited to supply the floor show at a party causing jealousy, rioting and a woman to die because of marijuana (complete with subliminal devil image flash). The dancer police-informs her way to the head gangster/ peddler with goofy dialogue that's made even better due to missing footage. This one's high on melodrama and low on reefer smoking. That's some evil shit.

∙ Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 53

... continued from previous page

Long before dabs, marijuana was "a violent narcotic that is destroying the youth of America with uncontrollable laughter, shocking violence, incurable insanity" and bad melodramatic docudramas. It's Reefer Madness (1936) I tell you!

The most terrifying effect of Marihuana (1936) is that "it 'fires' the user to extreme cruelty and license." It also causes giggling girls to skinnydip in the ocean, and one to drown. The survivors plus boyfriends are then forced into the marihuana trafficking business. With this much bad dialogue you definitely need a character named Dick.

A surfer finds a coffin on the beach and is quickly strangled by a hippie who drags the coffin containing The Deathmaster (1972) away. A philosophical kung fu master beats up then invites a smarmy biker to his "freaks and honkeys" marihuana smoking commune where a mysterious stranger/new-age-cult-leading vampire bloodily converts his own flock. Don't smoke pot, people!

Smoke And Flesh (1968) warns us that if you smoke marihuana and fuck you will really really enjoy it (Christians beware!). And if someone crashes your naked pot party, slip him some LSD and get freaky. Nooooo!

A sarcastic young teen turns weird after his dog dies choking on a wiener, transforming the kid into a manic insomniac who eats cereal out of a dog bowl. Cut to 20-something paperboy lighting up a doobie, foreshadowing the kid’s involvement with marihuana-smoking oldsters. He terribly plays a drunken stoner with rad split-screen montage editing, though with so many out-of-order scenes throughout Pot, Parents And Police (1972), I wonder if the filmmaker knows what continuity is. Hilariously wholesome and "highly" recommended!

|||THE|END|||| 54

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ALL YOUR TRIM NEEDS!

Confused Grower to Marijuana Community: “I only got into this for the fashion!”

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Wendel Anders, a graduate of Arizona State, father of two, and passionate scholar of French cooking techniques, has found himself in a vocational conundrum. Continue looking the best he’s ever felt in his life, or continue tending to fields of drugs for money?

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“When I moved to Northern California, I was wowed,” stated Anders with tears in his eyes. “I had never seen to many baggy hoodies and dirty snapbacks. A veritable pantheon of Carhartt jeans and shoddily made boots. I knew I was home. This fashion-forward community, replete with its XXL offgrey Portishead T-shirts, and armpit sweat-stained jean jackets has finally made me feel that, yes, fashion heaven is real and that it’s a place on Earth. I just didn’t realize until the first wave of Sour Diesel began to flower that I was, in fact, engaging in the act of tending to vast meadows of drugs. I mean, I have a family, and I need to feed them with the stacks of inconvenient 100$ bills I bring home that may as well be a marquis over my suave Wal-Mart beanie. I love feeling confident, sleek, sexy, and most importantly, up with the times. But I just don’t know if I can weigh that against the fact that what I’m doing can get me in unbelievable trouble. I mean, who in their right mind chose orange as the prison color scheme? I could sweat it if it was a nice inviting teal, with a cream colored lining, something nice, you know? But this may be too much.” Anders was later arrested for paying with a $100 bill at a bar for a beer that cost $2.50. Nobody was impressed by the bold move, however, as witnesses all unanimously shared the sentiment that the now detained grower was the very picture of fashion. A man so dapper and well dressed that according to the local homeless population looked like, “can you Photo by Dutch Savage spare any change, brother?” www.savagehenrymagazine.com 57

If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin Bieber, contributor (as sung to Zack Newkirk, staff)

If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go. I can take you places you ain't never been before. Baby, take a chance or you'll never ever know. I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow. Swag, swag, swag, on you. Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue. I don't know about me but I know about you. So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag. [falsetto] Here are the ways in which your life would be different if I was your boyfriend:

1) YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT MY POLITICAL LEANINGS AGAIN

If I was your boyfriend, I'd tell you all about who I was voting for, and why. I would speak about my social and political concerns earnestly and honestly. I would express my desire for you to vote for Hillary in the 2016 election. I would have my driver take you to your local voting center, and I would be disappointed to find out that you had voted in a way counter to my own.

2) YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HUNGRY

There is no food around me, ever. My trainer, Narl, says food is how fat gets on you, and I'm tryin'a get all hripped. I can't get hripped with food around, so I just stick to pot and drugs and coke and weed and alcohol, then I work out 8-9 hours a day. I would bench press you, girl; but seriously, no food.

3) YOU WOULD NEVER BE CHASED BY COYOTES AGAIN

Rule one for me, personally: no coyotes eat my girl. Not never. You and me, we'd roll around in a helicopter -- heck, maybe two helicopters joined by two Solo cups attached with a string -- so no coyotes could reach you, girl. Or me. No coyotes will eat me neither, girl. Coyotes already ate one too many girls in my life: My mother, my grandmother, my other grandmother, and Tyne Daly. No more girls get eaten by coyotes on JB's watch.

4) YOU WOULD NEVER FIND MY GOLD

I hid my gold, baby girl. It's hid so good, and you ain't never gonna find my gold. It ain't in my backyard, I'll tell you that much. No, stay away from my backyard. Ain't no gold there. Please don't go back there. I'll tell Narl. Hey. Hey! Narl! Narl! She's going into my back yard, man!

5) NARL, NEITHER OF US CAN TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, EVER

No... no.... I can't -- I -- I can't believe you just did that... She's... she's dead. She's dead, Narl! What did you do, Narl? What? I didn't tell you to kill her, dude! Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man. What are we gonna do, Narl? Well, duh! Of course we gotta hide the body, Narl! I ain't goin' down for this! Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me! Blood oath, man. You never tell a soul, I never tell a soul. Snap out of it! Narl! I'm talkin' Photo by Dutch Savage to you, Narl! Look at me! Look at me! www.savagehenrymagazine.com 59

Ben’s 10

Volume XCVI: Throwing Bags of Grass at Musicians Ben Allen, music editor

If you’re Snoop Lion, Willie Nelson or Tom Petty, chances are all sorts of ganja is coming your way when you’re performing live. Well known musician/stoners receive an abundance of smoking supplies tossed in their direction as a sign of appreciation from their adoring fans. However, I’m more interested in artists who should have bags of grass thrown at them. The following assholes are in major need of getting high for one reason or another. Sting After a very successful career with The Police, Sting became wildly indulgent with his solo material, creating over-produced adult contemporary nonsense. One large blunt would be all it would take to get him weird again and write something interesting.

Ani DiFranco Miss DiFranco is a multi-talented, inventive musicians with original ideas and a penchant for social activism. If only the bag of weed on stage could count towards her contractual concert payment, she wouldn’t have to charge her adoring fans an estimated $378 a ticket.

Ted Nugent “The Nuge” should be voted “rock star most in need of smoking the weed.” This wildeyed, bucktoothed hillbilly should fire up the laser and ease off the ridiculous gun-toting and slaughtering of animals for sport.

Dave Matthews If the worst band of all time is Nickelback, and the best is the Velvet Underground, Dave Matthews falls directly in between. His safe, mundane attempts at creating rock music has been boring crowds internationally for decades. Get this guy high and maybe he’ll come up with something listenable.

Bono With the possible exception of Mick Jagger, no one takes themselves more importantly in rock than Bono. While his humanitarian efforts, and vocal performances on mediocre emotional rock are valiant efforts, the guy seems to think he’s the living reincarnation of Jesus of Nazareth. Smoke a doobie and chill out, bro. Neil Young The notorious Mr. Young isn’t in need of smoking more. He quit in order to write his 2012 memoir “Waging Heavy Peace.” I’d still like someone to treat him to some kind buds though, as he seems like the coolest guy ever to get high with. Lars Ulrich The diminutive Danish drummer of Metallica is a wealthy, average percussionist with a penchant for being a huge crybaby. His only hope of redemption is hitting the bong hard and collaborating on an album of folk standards with Beyonce. 60

Axl Rose Much like Lars Ulrich, Axl has a penchant for being an angry, entitled little boy. It makes sense as he’s a ginger and those people are notoriously lunatic, blood-thirsty animals. I would hope someone would toss him some high grade shit, but it could possibly delay the release of his next Guns n’ Roses record for another 17 years. Keith Richards Though he’s reportedly slowed down his use of illicit substances. you’d hope by hooking Richards up with smoke green, he might lay off the cocaine, junk and ketamine. Steven Tyler With those giant, puckered bass fish lips, you know Tyler can really hit a joint. He shouldn’t necessarily be smoking more pot, he’s just a celebrity that should be ridiculed more.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 61 *Thank you to Tim Crosby, Annie Elfing, Chris Durant and Benson Fitts for their input on this article

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Campfire Cassettes Raised Wrong Isaac Kozell, staff

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Campfire Cassettes’ new album, Raised Wrong, is flummery at a most indisputable level. Just a few seconds into the album opener “Mabel,” a song about a woman whose fellatio skill is beyond reproach, it’s clear that songwriter Jonathan Buchanan is well-versed in the Kinks discography. The Kinks comparison becomes even more evident with the track “Queena Reseda,” which tells the same story as “Lola,” minus the charm. The other main source of inspiration appears to be Neutral Milk Hotel. But unlike Neutral Milk Hotel, Campfire Cassettes steer their dark subject matter in a comedic direction, leaving one to wonder if their aim is parody rather than sincerity. Speaking of comedy, the album’s closer is an ode to Keegan-Michael Key, sung over what basically sounds like the “Friends” theme song. Campfire Cassettes may just be too cute for their own good.

Rating: 4 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Birthmark

How You Look When You’re Falling Down Tommy Lucero, contributor

The driving force behind Birthmark is a man by the name of Nate Kinsella. His voice is a reminder of what it was like when Ben Gibbard still had a soul. The title How You Look Falling Down could also be the name of my Snapchat story after going above and beyond with my extracurricular activities while listening to this album. It incites a variety of emotions from happy all the way to how you felt when the bully in the lunchroom stole your chocolate milk, which is how I felt when it ended. Besides the PBR rating, I wish I could add a shot of vodka to numb the feelings this record evokes.

Rating: 6 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page... Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com 62

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 63

Album Reviews, continued from previous page The Good Life

Everybody’s Coming Down Adam Jacobs, contributor

I guess some

scientists were getting stoned and wanted to see a Weezer and Dinosaur Jr. crossover. The Good Life should add “Missing” to their name, as singer Tim Kasher’s lyrics portray him as an old rocker who misses the limelight. Sorry homie, the light fades, you get a job at Home Depot and just waste away, welcome to the real world, ya dildo. “Holy Shit” should be their poppunk single and only play it in Hot Topics and Tilly’s. It’s just so much angst for a 40-year-old front man.

Catty Mean Girl

All in all, the album is serviceable for wallowing in your lost youth while slopping down a pint of Ben n Jerry’s. I’d probably listen again, but I’m a Toys-R-Us kid who’s never grown up.

Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Humboldt. Come for the weed, stay for the where’d my keys go? @bloglin 64

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 65

A Lonely Man’s Guide to Thanksgiving Josh Argyle, staff

Thanksgiving is a time of rejoicing, getting together with the family, and eating a great meal. Unfortunately, you are alone, and the only thing that resembles a great meal in your house is a Turkey Lean Pocket. Well, we at Savage Henry have compiled a list of alternatives to make Thanksgiving a little less “cry yourself to sleep while eating ice cream(y).”

1. Family Talk

Thanksgiving is a holiday geared towards family and conversation with said family. Instead of being sad about the family you don’t have, take action. Why not mutter to yourself on a crowded public bus? Nothing says holiday spirit like incoherent ramblings.

2. Side Dishes

Thanksgiving, more than any other holiday is defined by its side dishes. The classic is mashed potatoes and gravy. Well, you don’t have mashed potatoes and gravy. You have something even better. You have a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal and a bottle of whiskey. You can’t get a DUI when the Cap’n is driving.

3. Turkey

The centerpiece of all that is Thanksgiving, and you ain’t got it. Instead go get a whole birthday cake. Whose? It doesn’t matter whose. You have been drinking since noon -- it’s time to celebrate.

4. Pumpkin pie

The chosen dessert of all fall and winter holidays. Pumpkin pie is more than a dessert it is a tradition. Why not start your own sweet tradition this holiday season? Why not call your ex and leave sad but sexually explicit voicemails that go on for way too long? And make a tradition of it.

5. Unbuttoning the top button

After thanksgiving dinner many unbutton the top button on their pants to signify a full stomach and the completion of a great holiday. Should you do this? FUCK NO! Joke’s on everyone; you haven’t worn pants all day. Now keep reaching for the stars, you whiskey-drunk Adonis.

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Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

Swill Beer ABV: 4.5% 10 Barrel Brewing Co. First: So yeah, I selected this beer solely that it had the brightest label on the shelf. Seriously, the thing is

Caltrans Orange. It signaled to me among a sea of muted blues and forest greens, and as a result, I had to pick it up. I picked it up at night, and thought that as I walked home I was assured that oncoming traffic would see me from a reasonable distance and not run my ass over. After tasting this beer, I wish the neighbor that drives a Dodge Dart GT would have reached for his cellphone he dropped on his floorboard and swerved at the precise moment that would have ruined my day and prevented me from putting this beer anywhere near my lips. I honestly spent the first beer fantasizing about being hit by a car in an attempt to forget everything about it.

Second: I somehow imagine that everyone at 10 Barrel stood around and finally decided to make

a beer that tastes liek a lemon square, because apparently that’s what the beer world needed. Why would they expect anyone to finish this? If anything, it should be served in a 1 oz shot glass alogn with a dessert at a restaraunt, and even then, the person eating said dessert would be all like, “That wasn’t necessary.”

Third: So I keep trying to find some redeemable quality about this beer, and it’s getting to the point where not only do I not like this beer, but I’m starting to think that the guys and/or gals that made this are in fact not good people. It’s as though they took a few gallons of Sprite and then blended soem Tasty Kakes for good measure. It’s like a Lemon Shandy, but like if Walmart made one. Liek if their idea of what a lemon flavored summer beer should be is something that appeals to the lowest common denominator that will buy this after they boughgt their whole family dinner at McDonald’s for the third time this week. Dear God I hate this beer.

Fourth:

This is a first. I’m calling this early. I’m not even drunk on four of these, and to anyone that knows me, I’m not one to turn down a beer. Until now. This beer is an affront to people like me that like to drink six beer sin one sitting and then write about it. How dare they make this. It’s as though they knew I’d write about it, but wish I had been hit by a car on my way home, and then designed it in such a way to make sure I’d have to suffer through this. For shame, 10 Barrel, for shame.

Josh is a professional drinker that knows when to quit, especially when the beer is awful. Please remember to only enjoy good beer responsibly. This article is sponsored by Blondie’s Food and Drink. 68

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 69

Mist | Rooting Gel | Clone Solution | Clone Kit 70

Hotel Review The Beach Lover’s Inn - Bend, Oregon Will Toblerone, contributor One of the most important things a hotel can do to help their guests relax is to ensure them that their personal belongings are secure. So how am I supposed to have that confidence when their luggage cart is visibly cracked? Not a good start, Beach Lover's Inn. That’s a great sentiment but I don’t speak-a de Francais, so I have no idea what kind of covers you are referencing here, Pierre. Also, the little tear at the bottom of the note reveals your passive-aggressive agenda toward hospitality. Is this a sensitive, classified document? No? THEN WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE FUCKING SHREDDED? From my years on the road, I’ve learned a few tricks about how to tell if you are sharing your hotel room with a stealthy congregation of diseasecarrying roaches. Before you go to bed at night, fill one of your hotel glasses with urine and set it on your bedside table. Roaches will be attracted to it, and they will make their way toward it in the dark of night. Inspired by this sight, they will always want to pay homage to its glory by filling another glass with urine. It’s a tribute roaches are unable to resist. Sure enough, when I woke up in the morning, the evidence of infestation was clear. Seriously? This picture was taken literally thirty minutes after hotel maintenance had already cleared the first pack of wiener dogs off of my bed. I understand these things happen sometimes, but twice? Obviously the housekeeping wasn’t very thorough to say the least. I am reluctant to be so graphic, but just before I left for work in the morning I sat down in the bathroom with the newspaper to take my usual morning baby. Then I raced out the door with no time to flush. I guess toilet cleaning isn’t a priority at this establishment, because when I returned that afternoon that same baby was still floating in the toilet where I left it.

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The Garden of Weeden

Tommy Lucero, contributor

The beauty of an in-bloom flower incites such happiness and thoughts of accomplishment in many situations, and such is the case with what’s in my cousin’s backyard. The feeling one can get from the harvesting of the fruits of their labors can often be overwhelming; not from the work, but from the sheer elation it gives you to have the lovely amber trichs hanging from the ceiling, turning your house into a bustling Garden of Weeden with a fragrance that tickles any lover of the herbage to his leafy core. There is just so much that goes into, and for that matter, comes out of, a good harvest: Patience, for one, is a very important ingredient in the stew that is harvest season in CannaLand, because without it trimmers can be annoying. Secondly, always have snacks on hand; I feel the Hostess company should’ve capitalized on this long ago, since I know for a fact Twinkies have every element on the periodic table within them and are great for a quick energy boost. Thirdly, that hands-down, Shatner was the better Captain of the Enterprise, and shatter is the only way I was able to firmly come to that conclusion. When I was younger, I never gave any thought to where my favorite pastime originated from. I never batted an eye at the hard work that fuels the round the clock cartoon marathon that’s constantly airing in my head. However, after seeing what goes into the cultivation of the healing greenery and meeting the people that devote their lives to getting their crops to veg state so I can watch Adventure Time in a vegetative trance is beyond commendable, and I couldn’t be more thankful. Thank you from my entire family tree -- everyone that’s passed out beneath it right now would say thanks as well if not for the fact of being incapacitated from intense amounts of Indica intake.

Public Service Announcement PLEASE DON’T DISPOSE OF MALE PLANTS IN NATURE. BURN THAT SHIT. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 73

Ray McMillin, staff Looking for a trim gig, but don’t have the connections? No problem! Just use this handy-dandy Savage Mad-Lib to get to the grow site in a jiff: (city or town in Humboldt), until (N/E/S/W direction) from First, head (your age plus 2). The one by the (your age). Or maybe it's you get to HWY (type of rural business) that's only open during (number of sexual partners you have (up / down direction) for about (season of the year). Go (color) barn. Don't turn there, (unit of measurement), and you will see a had) (astrological sign) though. That's (meal type specific to time of day). for meet all (body of land), the place we

Grow Site Mad-Libs

(your (body of water) about ) color ( (N/E/S/W direction) at the (mineral) statue. Be sure to follow the route alongside the (body of water), but not the (type of criminal)'s (body of water). That road goes to the (rural building). If your GPS doesn't work, reset your odometer (number of pounds you weigh) miles. If you get to and follow the (style of rock) covered road (life-threatening road hazard) sign, you've gone too far. the

Drive past age) feet and turn

Pull up to the gate with the Woodstock) sticker attached to the art) keypad is under the (type of negative emotion)ful of the “not safe”) (profession)s from

(band that performed at (type of outdoor or 710), and the 420 ( (animal). The code is (adjective meaning “not functional”) (type of surveillance equipment). Be (adjective meaning (breed of animal)s, they don't like ) (ethnicity people. Or (city in Oregon).

(verb) into the lot, park (style of automobile that has not been popular (type of rock) path, by the (type of farm equipment). This way you don't block in (astral anomaly)'s (type of academic institution) (type of vehicle), she has to leave for (age at which you said your first (Bay Area city) by of (verb) you arrive, word) in the morning. If no one is at the site when (noun) and just (adjective) with the (type of vehicle)... (verb) until you see our (color used to describe African Americans) helicopter, in which case just or a (body of (olympic sport) down the call Then (price of coconut water). water) until you get to highway to him tell and ) guys (four letter name common with white (style of plant) garden. (verb meaning “to destroy”) the matter”) means. “fecal (noun meaning He'll know what that

When you (direction) of the since 1986), at the end of the

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 75

Things that Should be on a Dispensary Employment Application Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you are. (Sorry old habit) (FYI, cops get the first 8 eighths free). What’s the difference between Indigo and Activa? Better munchie...sweet or savory? You have to try all the products to give customers information on them...including suppositories. Where do you see yourself in 10 minutes? Do you want to get HIGHER on the corporate ladder? Ha! See what I did there? Are you able to fail a preemployment drug screening? Describe your strengths and weaknesses when a federal DEA agent is kicking you in the back and throwing you to the ground. What’s your high score on Star Wars Angry Birds? Have you ever been around this much weed before? If not, and you have any ideas about ripping us off I swear to God I will call the cops and file a report. Because we can do that now. Are you prepared to eat one of Monica’s homemade edibles in order to set your tolerance levels to a professional level? We only have 3 paid holidays a year. April 20, Bob Marley’s birthday (whenever that is) and August 9. Is that cool? You will be fined $25 every time you use the word “vibe” when describing products to customers.

TATTOOS OF THE MONTH

Maybe Somke weed is some cool Norwegian strain. 76

So much Yes and so much No have never looked so good forever on your body.

Don’t worry. This guy’s future wife has a similarly stupid tattoo. -SG

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 77

EavesDroppings “Dad, if you get fired will you go get arrested?” - Fresh Freeze

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“Whose dick will I suck so I can suck some dicks around here” - Filthy Phil in Coopers

“My dick is short but dense.” “Oh yeah? Mine is huge but larfy.” - trim scene in Burnt Ranch “Calm down man. I’d rather see you shit yourself than cry.” - Guy on the Hill

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VOTED

“Your beard smells like beer, weed, and pussy.” - The Local, Eureka Ca

“This chicken grease really takes the hash outa my fingernails, I gotta try this at home!” - Guy eating chicken wings at Old Mission Pizza in Willits “Imagine if John Wilkes Booth took a dab.” - Unknown

“If it’s dry, you gotta lick it.” - Grass Valley

“I used to do it with my nieces and “In the land of midget Dicks I am king.” nephews... I got really good at it!” - trim scene in the hills - redneck at Blondie’s “I’m not a cross dresser i’m a drag “I just want to warn you. I qween, they all try to act like they have “So I ate her out till she came and then a pussy, I’m a man mother fucker, be a have a scabby dick. Not I couldn’t get my boots off in time and herpes just scabby.” man when you put on that dress bitch.” she fell asleep so I didn’t fuck her.” - The Shanty - Coops, Nevada City “Ya you don’t wanna have sex with somebody when they’re unconscious, “Hey man, you aren’t cute enough they don’t even move.” to be acting like such a little bitch.” - Great Wall, Nevada City “It was straight-up mouth orgasms... - A fool on the Hill like, I had a fat load in my mouth” - young man ecstatically “Fuck bitches, smash acorns.” referring to eating at Cecil’s “A lot of LSD came to - grower to 12 year town, couldn’t help it.” “Does anyone in the bar have a rolling paper?!?!? old on the farm - Nevada City I need to smoke some weed. ....Anybody, in these four walls....a rolling paper, a blunt, anything?!?!” “She’s gonna find the guy that “Legoland - drunk dude at Murphys Historic Hotel has the cocaine, then I’m gonna can suck it!” hit him with my beatin’ stick...” - The Local “Exactly! I don’t hate you, - Guy talking about his dog specifically, I just hate the basis of outside Blondie’s all your decisions and self worth” - Blondies in Arcata “This song makes me wanna crash a Harley with “I’ve got a bunch of crusty a chick on the back.” things on my back.” - scwiller @ the Mineshaft - Reno 78

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EavesDroppings “He plays the fluteflap now.” - Girl on Arcata Plaza

“Did you just Hadokin my dog?’ “Yes, but she’s okay.’ - Grass Valley, Ca

“Just remember, if a fly lands on your turd and then lands on my tortilla, you might as well be shiting in my mouth.” - gold claim, Yuba River

Guy: “You speak great English, “No whip where are you from?” cream on “Dtf but he doesn’t Girl: “Umm, Colorado.” your turd!’ even play foosball.” - The Forks - Sierraville - foosball table “If I don’t get a spa day I’m at Blondies gonna sprought a nutsack.” “Yeah I’m independent, - Nevada City Man - “I love you, Babe.” now eat my butt and make Woman - “Your love “I don’t want to hear about me a sandwich!” ran down my leg.” bird baths anymore!” - girl tripping on mushrooms couple in their mid 60’s - trim scene in an Arcata backyard. having a lover’s spat @ (Btw a bird bath is a man “I’m a advocate for animals and I making his ball skin into a bowl. The Tent Man in Hoopa deal with cock suckers for real.” Putting water into it and having - Arcata Plaza a woman drink out of it.) “He just whipped it out.” - Girl talking about possibly being pregnant at The Forks

“I feel a bender coming on... I waanna buy all these guys drinks” - Filthy Phil at the Crazy Horse.

“You run that risk every time you buy used panties on the internet.” - The Shanty

“One day scooob.” - lonely hammered guy in the Mineshaft doing a flawless impression of Shaggy out of absolutely nowhere

She: I freaking love my mug shot! He: It doesn’t do you justice, but it looks great. Did they take anything from you? Like you’re jewelry? She: Hahaha shut up I was drunk. Another: Well if you’re going to have a mug shot that’s a damn good one, I want one... My brother has one. - front porch Eugene early morning

“Maybe if you had fucked me I would “Are you sure you should remember if you were circumcised!” Guy #1: “Our plants are so be driving sober?” big, I found a family of birds - woman at the Alibi - Honeydew in that one over there.” It’s not that I don’t like you, I Guy #2: “Yeah well I found a family “i want goats, i used to milk just hate humanity as a whole.” of Mexicans living in that one over goats, i need someone - unknown there, but I chased em off!” to carry my beer...” - Trinity Pines - The Mineshaft

1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Text it 707.845.8854 or... Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 81

AILMENT OF THE MONTH

FAKE GLAUCOMA

You really don’t have to go that far. You can just say you have bad period cramps. - SG

next month:

The Gambling Issue

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Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82