Issue #84 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Upcoming S.H.I.T. Shows

Check online for updates. :)

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Kim Hodges, Tom Connors, Nando Molina, John McClurg, Shaun Lamar, hosted by Evan Vest

Sanctuary - Arcata

Wednesday, April 25

Butch Escobar, Ian Kung, Nando Molina, hosted by Evan Vest

The Jam Arcata - $7

THE DOORS OF PERSPIRATION | Chris Durant

Tuesday, May 2

Mat Cella, James Stephen, Ivan Mueting, hosted by Evan Vest

The Jam Arcata - $5

COVER ARTIST | Sonny Wong

HumbrewsArcata -$5

OXFORD COMMA | Zack Newkirk

Saturday, April 15

CADDY DIPPIN’ | Sarah Godlin FUN GAL | Monica Durant

SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen

Sunday, May 7

Frank Castillo

Tuesday, May 9

Zach Pugh, Dr. Foxmeat, Matt Redbeard, Josh Barnes, hosted by James Stephen

The Jam Arcata - $7

SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle

Sam Tallent, Evan Vest, Dr. Foxmeat, hosted by Matt Redbeard

The Jam Arcata - $10

CONTRIBUTORS

Tuesday, May 16

PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Hello Dear Readers, We left this month’s theme of “Trippin’” open to the interpretation of our writers. When I hear the word “Trippin’” I think of someone fully not able to get over something mentally. For example, I am “trippin’” on how long 2 & ½ Men was on the air. How did that happen? I am “trippin’” on all the folks who want immigrants out of the country so badly that they will elect an actual Scooby Doo Villain as President. That I will never stop trippin’ on. Most of all, though, I am “trippin’” on those weird pink and white fishcakes they put in traditional ramen. They look like candy but they are made of fish paste. That is no good. I will never get that.

L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid

Michel Sargent, Tiffany Greysen, Seth Milstein, Ivan Garcia, Rocco Tenaglia, Matt Redbeard, M. Bunny, Evan Vest, Amanka, Jimmie Menezes, Samantha Gilweit, Tommy Lucero, Bruce Lynch These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Ray Flynn Josh Argyle W. A. Manuel Arredondo Hailee Durant Shawn Sagen Weeda Gauwain Missyla Dee Mark Kuchenbecker M. Bunny

Nevada City/Grass Valley San Francisco, CA Santa Cruz, CA Chico, CA Sacramento, CA Redding, CA Medford,OR Bandon, OR Crescent CIty CA/Brookings, OR

Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

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However you interpret “Trippin,’” We hope you enjoy the magazine. And if not, tell us why you are trippin’ on this fine publication. Is it because you love fish cakes? Thanks for reading, Sarah Godlin, an editor Send feedback. We got emails and a physical adress. It’s al right there. <<<

Parental warning Some content not appropriate for children.

Table of Contents Upcoming S.H.I.T. Shows................................................................ 4

I Ain’t ‘fraid of No Dose................................................................ 35

Letters to the Editors..................................................................... 9

Catty Mean Girl.............................................................................. 36

Magic Tricks for the Blind........................................................... 13

Book Review.................................................................................... 37

Trippin Do’s and Don’ts With Ole AJ........................................ 15

Magic Tricks to Amaze Your Tripping Friends...................... 39

Other Things to Lick to Get High.............................................. 17

Soup Pocket.................................................................................... 40

Pros & Cons..................................................................................... 19

Trippin’ Top 10................................................................................. 41

Things to Say Right Before You Kill Your Mortal Enemy... 21

A Whole New World: The Shane Mauss Interview............. 45

Cookbook Review.......................................................................... 23

Stock Photo Greeting Cards...................................................... 49

My Interview with an Alex Grey Painting............................... 25

Funk Teacher................................................................................... 51

Homeland Insecurity.................................................................... 27

If Ray Had a Penis.......................................................................... 51

Cow Tipping..................................................................................... 28

This SHIT is For Reels................................................................... 52

Accidental Trip................................................................................ 29

Colin Farrell is Underrated in His Awfulness........................ 57

How To Make Sure You Have A Good Trip.............................. 31

Funny Things to Say When Someone Trips.......................... 59

Field Trippin’..................................................................................... 33

I’m Not High-Strung...................................................................... 61

Cliff-Hanker Episode 19: ............................................................ 35

Ben’s 10............................................................................................ 63 Album Reviews............................................................................... 65 I’ve Got Switch Fever!.................................................................. 68 A Review of a Comedy Record. ................................................ 69 Things That Are Worse Than Smashmouth’s Song “Might As Well be Walking on the Sun”.................................. 71 Trippin’ Insurance........................................................................... 73 Are You Trippin’ or Is It Changing?............................................ 75 What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?.................................... 76 Flow Chart: Which Extinct Animal Are You?......................... 77 Savage Henry Horoscopes........................................................ 78

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Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

Another rainy day, a glue stick, and scissors. Savage Henry: 10/10 for giving me double pleasure from your magazine - once reading it, and once cutting it up in tiny, tiny pieces. Peace, Julie Solo Ed note - Thanks for sending this in! We’d love to see more! First time I've picked up your mag I'm only halfway into the letter from the editor and I'm laughing - keep it up, we're out here Dan Jones Ed note - Hey Dan, let’s end this on a high note….STOP READING NOW!!!

Continued next page... 8

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Letters to The Editors - Continued from previous page...

ents, u r co m m Send yo , props or s attitude itor@ lse to ed .com e r e v e t a h w azine n rym a g e h e g a v sa tter on the le ll s s re d d A Or the a t will work too. h e. g ri m e o h lc t to re we a s e iv t perspec

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Magic Tricks for the Blind

Zack Newkirk, staff

Hello, Montreal School for the Blind! Who's ready for some magic tricks, huh? Yeah! My name is Zack, I'll be your magician today. Welp, bibbity bobbity boo, let's get to the magic!

1) OK, so I just take this rabbit here -- yeah, you can feel it, go ahead -- you too, sure -- OK, then I put him in the hat. No, I'm sorry, I can't have everyone feel the rabbit. Just, listen, just trust the first two people over here. They felt the rabbit. All right, in the hat. Uh, black hat, big brim, uh, tall flat crown on it. No, nope, sorry, can't feel the hat. OK, tapping the hat. Tapping the hat with my, uh, magic wand here... OK, and... boom! It's a dove now! There he goes! Adios, dove! What? No, no, you can't feel -- it's gone. It flew away. It was cool, though. Rabbit turned into a dove. Yeah, magic.

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2) All righty, got a deck of cards here, 52 cards... I'm fanning them out for you, Ma'am. Pick one. Yep, right over here. There you go. Now, don't show me the card. OK, so -- Oh. Right, right. Uh. How's this gonna... OK, so I'll tell you what card you picked, I guess. Let's look here... It's the 3 of Spades. You picked the 3 of Spades. OK, putting it back in the deck here, shuffling again. OK, now, on the table right here, is a cake. Yeah. All right, sure. Feel the cake. So now I'm cutting it... cutting... the... cake, there we go. And inside -wow, will you look at that? It's the 3 of Spades, just like I told you you picked! Wow! ... OK, next trick. 3) For this one, I'm going to need help from all of you out there. This is my most dangerous illusion. I am secured in this straitjacket, and I am going to slide off my perch here and into the 10-foot-tall vat of water. OK? Then there's this timer here on the ledge that holds the plugged-in hairdryer. If I don't get out in 2 minutes, the hairdryer will fall and electrocute me, which won't really matter, because I'll be drowning by then anyway. Your job, audience, is if anything looks like it's going wrong, I need you guys to run over and hit the release switch right over here and unplug the hairdryer. My assistant would normally be doing that, but we're in the process of a pretty hairy divorce, and -- well, no need to get into it. Point is, I'm counting on you folks. My life is in your hands. OK, so if all goes well, I'll be talking to you guys again within two minutes! Here we go!

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Trippin Do’s and Don’ts With Ole AJ, the Trippin’ Master ’If you're looking for someone to guide you through an evening of hallucinations, there Adam Jacobs, contributor isn't anyone more qualified than me -- just ask my friends. Over years of experimentation I've done it all, good and bad. Learn from my mistakes so you won't have to live with ridiculous consequences, like trying to reattach a pair of balls you "accidentally" chopped off because they "freak" you out, man. Here are my trippin' Dos and Don'ts: Do look at your hands. Those things will blow your mind while tripping. Don't look at yourself in the mirror. That shit is too real and can dominate your entire night. Do have plenty of weed. Marijuana and hallucinogens go hand in hand. Grab a fat sack and skip together towards happiness.

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Don't draw or paint on your scrotum (sack). It just makes it too appealing to your tripping friends, who will just want to grab it, possibly ripping your testicles off in an all too common trippin' accident. Do drink some orange juice to enhance your trip. The Vitamin C helps hallucinogens spread throughout your body faster.

Don't grab some random dude's sack. That is a major party foul and most likely going to take you down a road less traveled.

Don't go to the Orange Julius stand at your local mall. Those foamy-ass drinks will surely make you rip your balls right off your body because that's just what you do after drinking an Orange Julius. Why do you think most of those places went out of business. Too many torn-off ballsacks. Duh.

Do have a sober (non-tripping) friend to act as your Sherpa. Allow them to guide you through the craziness that is a hallucination trip.

Do eat a sensible meal a few hours before you take your preferred substance of choice. You won't eat for at least six hours, so you want something in your stomach.

Don't ever be the sober (non-tripping) friend that acts as a Sherpa for your idiot friends. It's a major bummer and your sack will be grabbed repeatedly. I almost had my sack torn off by some tripping friends.

Don't eat your own balls mid-trip. I mean, they will look appetizing once you've painted them to look like a ham, but Jesus, dude. Those are your balls, not a ham. Didn't I tell you not to paint your balls? Oh shit, I just ate my balls. Well, they definitely weren't a ham. I'm an idiot.

Do play with paint. Painting and drawing is a great way to spend a trip. You'll be amazed at how your art represents your hallucinations.

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Other Things to Lick to Get High Willie Nelson’s Balls

Pumpkin Spice

Playground Slides

The Inside of Dr. Foxmeat’s Mouth

A Knife

God

Pull Cord on the Bus

Richard Simmons’ Third Eye

Road Reflectors

Any CD by 311

Fire

A Rollercoaster

Banana Slugs

A VHS Copy of The Goofy Movie

A Sega Genesis

Rat Piss The Color Green

Jerry’s KIds

Any Kurt Vonnegut Book

An Octopus Cop

A Picture of a Cat Sleeping

Megan’s Law

A Speeding Bullet

21 Pilots (Not the Band)

Any Page of Savage Henry Magazine

The Mona Lisa

Chris Durant’s Toenails

Karate Alpha Centauri

Your Phone after You Drop It in the Toilet

Old Man Jenkins

The Jungle Cruise Ride at Disneyland

An Uncooked Hot Dog

A Fistful of Stem Cells

The Palm of My Hand

Shit I Found Behind the Couch

An Applebee’s Menu

Garbanzo Beans

Andrew Holmgren’s Converse

Daniel Johnston

Matt Redbeard

The Soundboard at The Jam

Grand Theft Auto 2

Those “Magic Eye” Books

Devil Sticks

A Puffin’s Beak

A Blue Crayola Crayon

A Living Human Brain

The Glass Plate Inside a Microwave

Beagles

The Guy Who Sells Blankets by the Side of the Highway

Jerry Garcia Your Cousin Greg's Tie-Dyed Shirt A Moose Any Rock The Carnival The Roof of a Dog's Butthole Any and All Blood Air Horn from any Reggae Festival Pop Rocks

• 12 ROTATING TAPS • BEER COCKTAILS • FULL BAR • DAILY SPECIALS • HOUSE INFUSED LIQUORS • OUTDOOR SEATING • HUMBOLDT MADE ARTISAN DISHES

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Pros & Cons

Sarah Godlin, staff

Things that hallucinogens have ruined for me: Garlic Fries Things that hallucinogens have made better for me: Carpet Tree trunks My friend River’s door Phish Things I don’t do anymore because of my acute need for control and lack of free time: Hallucinogens Things I plan to do when I’m 60: Smoking a super cool pipe like Miss Peregrine Finish a quilt Hallucinogens

Angela always had to have the most attention at the beach. She’s tripping. 18

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Things to Say Right Before You Kill Your Mortal Enemy

Zack Newkirk, staff

Your nemesis has antagonized you for as long as you can remember -- eating your pets, murdering your sister, getting you fired from your job at Build-A-Bear Workshop -- and now you finally got that son of a gun on the ropes. But before you send him to his final reward with the killing blow, you have to say something cutting, something so cold-blooded and badass that even he'll begrudgingly give you some credit. Please choose from the following, and dispatch your foil with style: "Tell it to the judge -- Judge Satan, that is" "Time for you to sleep with the angels -- hell's angels, that is. In hell" "Rest in peace -- in the endless fires of hell, that is" "To hell with you... in hell" "Say hello to Satan for me -- in hell, that is" "Give Dracula a kiss for me, Satanstein" (note: this one makes no sense) "Where you're going, they've already got your bed made for you -- with Satan sheets, lol" "Sorry about this" "Elevator, party of one, population: you, going down -- next stop: basement level -- a three-hour tour on the river Styx, skipper: the Boatman -- in hell, that is" You can find more of Zack’s valueless content on Twitter @dmx_biographer

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Cookbook Review

Michel Sargent, contributor

High!!! The Nun's Guide To Psychedelic Cooking by Sister Irene O'Connor is your demented trip through the heavenly surreal kitchen of delirious smells, tie-dyed habits, and melting crosses. I picked out a couple favorites for your own mind-trip down the roasted beaver-hole to oblivion, but with a superior deity’s special sauce.

White Cheddar LSD Popcorn with Essence of Bacon This subtle yet delicious recipe requires the purchasing and cooking of bacon, while saving the grease in a container for further use. I learned about this trick as a kid one day when I reached into the refrigerator for some delicious-looking frosting. Boy, was I surprised! 3 tablespoons bacon grease (most vegetable oils can be substituted for the porcine-phobic) 2/3 cup popcorn Melted butter (Ganj-optional) to taste White cheddar or other flavor powdered cheese (stolen from boxes of mac 'n' cheese*) to taste Other herbs or spices (chili powder, rosemary, lemon pepper, yeast infection, etc.) to taste Pink Himalayan LSD salt (scraped from the sweaty bottoms of tripping Buddhist monks) to taste and endurance. Try sprinkling crushed LSD sugar cubes for that salty-sweet experience. Heat oil in a large, lidded cooking pot. Toss kernels into the warming oil and keep the pot rotating above the flame or grill until you no longer hear popping. Carefully pour into a paper bag, then add melted butter, salt, cheese powder, drugs, spices, and shake. Try crumbling a little bacon and DMT Maple Syrup (chapter 66 verse 6, no no, ha ha ha, what!?) into the simmering melted butter for an extra maple-bacon flavor burst. Serves three to four squares or two stoners (if you eliminate the drugs) or approximately 1 popped kernel per experience. *See "Noodles & Psilocybin" chapter for macaroni ideas.

Ayahuasca Glazed Giant Beaver with Peyote Kraut Stuffing Soak beaver in a vat of salted, prepared Ayahuasca brew for two days in a cool dry place. You can then freeze the beaver until hungry for that hairy treat. Sauerkraut: Buy one-pound bag of Sauerkraut. Simmer in its juices with chopped peyote buttons "for 20" minutes then add grated potato, a chopped apple, a sliced onion, 2 julienned carrots, and stuff inside the prepared moist beaver. Preheat oven to medium well. Use a 13" x 9" x 2" pan and place the stuffed beaver in it, add salt and pepper, and let the beaver stew in its own juices for 8 hours. Basting is unnecessary for the lovely glaze. Suggested serving size is approximately 1 small bite per dose, so this makes an excellent Carnival party animal. 13 out of 2 LSD Shakers equals bedlam in the sanctum 22

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My Interview with an Alex Grey Painting

Evan Vest, contributor

For this issue I really wanted to interview renowned psychedelic artist Alex Grey, but unfortunately my e-mails were never returned. I assume Alex is too busy at a farmers market or making a homebrew, something cool like that, so all is forgiven. The good news is that I took a phatty rip of some DMT off a bent Pepsi can and was able to talk face to face with one of Alex Grey’s famous works. I forget the name of it, but it's that trippy looking one. The interview transcript is below: Evan Vest: Woah, Thanks for having me here in you geometric house. Alex Grey Painting: Not a problemo my dood. EV: How long have you been a painting? AGP: Man, maybe like 10 years or something, but also like forever, you feel me? EV: Yeah, I totally do for some reason. What do you feel like are trying to tell the world? AGP: Pretty much I just want people to look at me go, "Daaaaamn that shit is trippy as hell." EV: Really? I kinda figured there would be more to it than that.

AGP: Nah, brah, just straight trippin'. EV: Well, alright then. How do I become more in touch with my chakras? AGP: You just gotta stay woke, bruh. You have my lighter? EV: Huh? At this point I realized that I was talking to not a painting, but comedian Matt Redbeard. We then sparked up a phatty blunt and then hit up a corner store for some Orangina. I learned many things that night, the main lesson being to always smoke Deemsters from a glass pipe. @EvanVestIsReal 24

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Homeland Insecurity

Dutch Savage, staff

A Savage Henry International Spy Drama Day 1 Dakota Dave drove us to the tiny airport in the fog. We paid him his fare in tofu and scary hash pills. Potential passengers waited not very long to board, and the flight was even shorter. San Francisco airport is an immense shopping mall with the usual shopping mall hysteria in an advanced hysterical state. We drank at a fake Mexican restaurant that had a fake vegetarian menu. The second flight had us in the tail of a larger, more populated aircraft. “They’re not going to find us until the second season” I said. My assistant Simone (not her real name, not really my assistant) thought that was a good one. Together we had just finished watching that TV show ‘Lost’… probably not the best idea. There is a 10 hour flight ahead of us to London, our final destination remains unclear. The seat in front of me has all of the Star Wars movies. Our mission will unfold as details emerge. Sleeping pills had me gone although I rarely doze on a moving vessel. I drive a PTSD Cruiser. (To be continued…)

WHAT’S IN THAT SHIT?

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Cow Tipping

Matt Redbeard, contributor

First off, I just want to point out that cows actually want you to do this to them. The joy that comes across those massive cute AF eyes just fills my heart with the same joy. This is a controversial topic because there is a lingering question that we can't, as people, seem to figure out. Why do we tip some and not others? It's a good question. Some may even make such bold statements like why tip them at all? Also a good question, I don't like the way in which it’s being said or what it implies, but honestly, like, do you, dude.

Accidental Trip

Sarah Godlin, staff

Like Bugs Bunny, I literally took a wrong turn in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I was trapped in a large parking lot and to turn around I had to pay 5$ to a very serious parking attendant who wasn’t having any of my excuses. It ended up being the parking fee for the Gathering of Nations, the Largest Native American pow-wow in the US. I had some time and I had already paid for parking, so I went. It was huge!. I watched some awesome dancing. I bought a necklace. I saw a ferret. It was an amazing experience. Sometimes accidental trips are the best trips. Except psychedelic ones.

I say tip all cows. Even the rude ones. In fact, tip the rude ones more than you would normally. You know why? Because bovine karma gets paid $1.99 fold. That's right. Every time I tip a cow I get almost two bucks back. Doesn't sound like a lot? Do the math. Ten cows a day equals twenty bucks. Twenty bucks a day equals four pre-rolls. Four re-rolls a day equals my wake and bake ceremony. Need I say more? It's a hella good hustle. The other reason I tip all cows is because honestly they're working and barely get paid anything to do it. Most cows survive on their tips, and like also, you know they're gonna kill the shit out of that thing at some point so this is the best way to not feel that twinge of guilt that you probably feel when you think about it too much. That's natural, that's normal, but like, it’s hella not OK. We need to move past the problems and get to the actual meat of the problem, work all the beef out so that we can just live a normal peaceful existence where I get to push cows on the ground cause they're really just asking for it.

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How To Make Sure You Have A Good Trip

Cornell Reid, staff

So you’re going to try hallucinogens. Great! But you're a little scared because you’ve heard a lot of news stories about people having bad trips and doing kooky stuff! There was that one guy that ripped his nuts off, then there’s that other guy who cut his nuts off, oh and I almost forgot about the guy that chopped his nuts off. Basically, if you have a bad trip you can kiss your nuts goodbye. Actually I don't know if you can actually kiss your nuts unless you remove a rib because your nuts are pretty far down there and that's how Marilyn Manson does it. Maybe you don't have to remove a rib, I’m not sure, maybe one of you thoughtful readers has a kissing-your-own-nuts hack you'd like to share with us but as far as I know, you gotta remove a rib to smooch the sack. Anyway, I have developed a method to guarantee you have a good trip so you won't even have to bother trying to figure out how one goes about smooching their own sack because you know your hallucinogenic journey will be filled with nothing but sunshine and lollipops. So follow these five easy steps and you're guaranteed to have a fun and satisfying drug-fueled experience.

1. Get A Gun

Hey, you never know what’s gonna happen on your trip so the best way to feel safe is by holding a fully loaded firearm. See something that looks a bit odd? Shoot it. Now all the sudden it’s not so scary anymore. Plus guns look really trippy when you’re hallucinating. You can have a lot of fun checking that thing out, especially the hole where the bullets come out. Look at that hole. Isn’t that shit trippy?

2. Cut Your Balls Off Before You Trip

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Whenever someone has a bad trip it seems that they become determined to mutilate their nutsack. I get it, I hate my testicles as much as the next guy, but if you cut your nuts off while tripping it kinda ruins your trip and then you’re on the news and honestly it’s all just a little embarrassing. Well an easy way to avoid that is to remove the temptation beforehand. Just remember: snip before you trip. That way, when you’re fully immersed in your “journey” you can look down at your nether regions and truly be at peace knowing that your nards are nowhere to be found. (If you’re a woman, feel free to rip off someone else’s nuts if you fear you’ll see them during your trip, but otherwise I think your privates are pretty safe.)

3. Mix With PCP

PCP will help you keep your trip in perspective. Are you really starting to freak out? Does it feel as if the fluids inside you are boiling? Do you suddenly feel the urge to punch through walls? Don’t worry, that’s just the PCP not your hallucinogen. Once you realize your trip is going great, you can really focus on all the terrible things the PCP is doing to your mind body and soul.

4. File Your Taxes

Look, it’s hard to have a bad trip while you’re busy sitting with your accountant filling out a 1099. There’s an ancient South American saying that roughly translates to “taxes soothe the soul.” So sit back, relax and prepare to be money smart straight from the heart. Also see if you can deduct whatever money you paid for your drugs.

5. Make Sure You’re Around A Lot of People, Preferably Cops

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A police station is a great place to go or a courthouse also works. Being surrounded by authoritarian figures really helps you to feel comfortable. A lot of people don’t know this, but in order to become a cop or a judge in America you have to be a certified spirit guide. So if you’re feeling a little spooked just go up and talk to one of them and they’ll be sure to steer you in a positive direction.

There you go, five easy steps to stay happy and healthy while tripping your balls off. Be safe out there, but most of all, have fun. www.savagehenrymagazine

Field Trippin’

Thank you for your interest in booking your field trip to Kensington Pumpkin Farm! We are the #1 choice for fall school field trips for Little Rock and surrounding areas, so come out and see why! The fee is $9 per child, including a free 2-4 lb pie-pumpkin. There is no admission charge for teachers, limit two per class. We require one chaperone for every three children. A $25 deposit is required to hold your reservation. Any inappropriate or disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated. If any student is found damaging property the school will be asked to leave and will not be allowed to return. Also, the school will be responsible for reimbursement. Any disparaging comments made about Kensington Pumpkin Farm or the pie-pumpkins therein will be treated as hostile. Reciprocating insults will be administered to each child and/or chaperone by the pumpkin morale committee. Any negative online reviews written for Kensington Pumpkin Farm or any activities performed during the school field trip (including but not limited to 32

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Bruce Lynch, contributor

the hay ride, petting zoo, and giant fun slide) will be considered libel. The pumpkin image preservation team will draft a retaliatory review of the offending party, which shall be burned into the lawn of their residence or place of work as the situation warrants. Any child caught destroying pie-pumpkins will be subject to a hearing before the grand pumpkin tribunal, where sentences levied may include a time out, being barred from participating in the fun-time pumpkin parade, or being sacrificed to the pumpkin lord Araknu (praise be to him). If Araknu is displeased by the sacrificed soul the remaining students and chaperones will be sacrificed in turn until the pumpkin lord’s wrath has abated. If the entirety of the group is sacrificed in such a manner (as is historically the case) the $25 deposit will be forfeit. We hope you, your students, and parents have a fantastic time, and thank you for considering Kensington Pumpkin Farm for your trip! Yours in Araknu, The Kensington Family 33

Cliff-Hanker Episode 19: I Ain’t ‘fraid of No Dose

Seth Milstein, contributor

Hank was delighted that he had value in the eyes of his new acquaintances. He almost forgot to inquire why they’d want to learn to grow pot but when he did the answer was a jarring reminder of what he’d been through over the past few weeks. It seemed that this organization is like a parent company to all of the federal agencies that Hank was aware of (i.e. FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, etc.). Confused, Hank wondered allowed if the government was calling the shots. They were after all the top of that chain of command as far as he knew. The gentleman took a moment to stare at Hank for an uncomfortably long moment. He then began to explain the evolution of power structures. At a certain point corporations became more powerful than governments due to their vast wealth. These corporations use governments as a facade to reassure the people as well as giving them a place to dump blame. While the overall goal was to accumulate wealth (which equates to power) a natural dichotomy emerged. That of good and evil. One group strove to protect the people, one to enslave them. The “good” group became known as The Guard, the “bad” group, The Company. Riveted, Hank finished his meal and as the man continued he began to visualize these new concepts being introduced as a simple Yin and Yang. It danced before him, almost liquid, ebbing and flowing the white portions turning black, black turning white but always remaining equal. When he’d focus his attention on a part of either side he’d see within it actual moments in culture where whichever side he was focused on was being represented. The more he focused the deeper it would go until he was staring at the duality of molecular biology. Hank realized he was hallucinating on a pretty grand scale. He looked at the man who was no longer talking even though he could hear his voice continue to describe the inner workings of the secret societies that apparently run all of society. The man was smiling. Without aural or tactile communication the man shared the knowledge that Hank had been dosed and it was so he could quickly learn what he needed to. The man led Hank back to his room and left him there. He could still hear his voice in his head…

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Book Review

Sarah Godlin, staff

Fingerprints of the Gods by Graham Hancock

Graham Hancock lays out an interesting theory based on his research that Antarctica housed an advanced civilization before earth crust displacement moved the continent south. It explains why all cultures have a Great Flood myth and why pyramids spring up in unadvanced cultures. Homeboy makes a good point. Now excuse me while I roll my eyes at history books but never mention out loud that I full on believe this guy. You know, to people that don’t read Savage Henry. Absolutely worth a read.

Catty Mean Girl

Rating: 5 out of 5 Sphinxes that used to be lions

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r e t a w e v r e cons H T I W S T N E I R T U N & m e t s y s p i r ad talk with our on staff drip expert

Magic Tricks to Amaze Your Tripping Friends

Scott Simpson, contributor

Find The Card

The Levitating Guru

Requires: A deck of cards

“Here I sit before you, eating nachos. Close your eyes. Now in your mind, picture me, levitating. Which one is, like, the real me?”

“Pick a card, any card. Be sure to remember it, now put it back in the deck. OK, is this your card? The Queen of Clubs? No? Are you sure, because look at the queen’s face. Keep looking. Who does she remind you of? Exactly.”

The Disappearing Dollar Bill Requires: A banknote from your friend “Do you have any cash on you? OK, a twenty will do. As you all can see, this is a standard $20 bill, it has not been altered in any way. Except, well, now that I think about it, it has been altered, hasn’t it? In 1933, when the United States left the gold standard and $20 became well, whatever the government says it is. And what does The Man say it is? $20! If you think about it, this is just a worthless piece of green paper. I’ll dispose of it for you.”

The Color Conjuration Requires: Paint, a wall you have been meaning to paint for a while “Now it’s your turn to learn a trick of your own! See this green wall? See this red paint? OK, I’ll be back in an hour.”

The Amazing Majesty of Nature Requires: Nature’s majesty "I know, right?" Catch more of this contributor on twitter: @scottsimpson and yourmonkeycalled.com/bio

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Trippin’ Top 10

Soup Pocket Ivan Garcia, contributor

M. Bunny, contributor

As this wonderous world goes spinning off axis we're challenged with whatever may be thrown our way in life, and it's a miracle that people are able to find and keep balance. Don't confuse yourself with chakras, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga retreats. Staying on those 10 toes is the best way to keep the balance in life, because it is often easy to: take a spill, slip, stumble, tumble, topple, fall, or wipe out! Beware of these top ten everyday items that have caused more people in the world to take a plunge towards the floor than anything else. You probably are thinking about those 16 stairs to your apartment, shoelaces, or that time your Cousin Billy tripped you using hidden fishing line, but those are not even on the top 10! Check this out -- you may be surprised! Here's the top ten items that keep you trippin' and falling 10) Cats 9) Totem Poles 8) Mud (dirt/butt) 7) "Hands Free" bluetooth earbuds for cell phones 6) Spilled Milk (mainly soy) 5) Gas Pedals 4) Banana Peels

When you’re living that busy lifestyle, balancing so many things can become quite hectic. Most of the time you find yourself going to a fast food drive-thru instead of enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal. Unhealthy eating will catch up to you and leave you wishing you’d taken the time to cook. Luckily, Soup Pocket is here to save the day. What on earth is a Soup Pocket? Soup Pocket is a new product specifically targeting people who love soup, but are also “on-the-go.” With our revolutionary bread recipe you can pour almost any soup into a Soup Pocket. Give it a try, you’ll thank us later.

3) Bearskin Rugs 2) Fish Sticks 1) Fox/Rabbit/Worm holes * M.Bunny's born and raised amongst the Redwoods along the North Coast, with comedy always being a part of life! M.B. is musically inclined and always ready for a good time! Avid lover of everything Savage Henry and weed culture. Don't be shy to share a spliff with ole M.Bunny, if you miraculously see him out and about delivering your favorite free reading material around Del Norte County and Brookings, OR!

WWW.IVANINSPACE.COM California/Texas based Standup comic Ivan Garcia. 40

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A Whole New World: The Shane Mauss Interview

Tattoo of the Month

Isaac Kozell, staff

The last time I hung out with comedian Shane Mauss he was getting ready to record an episode of his Here We Are podcast at a chimpanzee refuge in Louisiana. While most working comedians today trade in the absurdity of everyday life, Shane has taken a slightly different path, choosing to focus primarily on science and psychedelics. He’s taken his Ted talk-style comedic and educational one man show about drugs, A Good Trip, to over 100 cities already, with more dates still on the itinerary. He’s also currently in the process of filming a documentary about psychedelics with some of the leading experts and modern pioneers in the field of drug research. He self identifies as a psychonaut and he takes his work very seriously, for a comic. I recently talked to Shane about drugs, drugs, and more drugs. Isaac Kozell: How are things going with A Good Trip? Your tour schedule was pretty insane last year. I know you were building up to filming it as a special. Has that happened yet?

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Shane Mauss: No. I'm so frustrated that I haven't locked down the special. One of the problems is that I'm being very, very picky. I really believe in the show and I think the special is going to be amazing. I just want to make sure that it's on the right platform. I want it to be high quality and I don't want to cut corners. I'm really milking this sucker. It's going so well and it's so much fun to do. I did 85 cities and was like, “Why not just break 100 cities?” The whole process is taking a lot longer than I thought. I've reserved the venue for the end of September to record it, but I'm hoping it gets recorded at the end of May instead. IK: I've seen the show twice and I can tell that you're continually refining it. The only downside to it taking so long is that you might get restless. SM: I am restless, definitely. But I have outlets for it. I've started doing a DMT talk. It's a humorous talk about DMT. I wouldn't call it a comedy show, but there are definitely laughs. I'm really exploring all of my experiences in depth. So I have that and I've also started taking a club date every month or two. I hadn't done my regular act in six months when I did my first club date back in February. It was so weird because I didn't remember half of the shit. I'm also trying to do my podcast live in some places. It's so much fun to do live. The audience gets to ask questions and I ham it up a lot more when there's an audience. I've already recorded seven or eight live ones this year. My goal is to do at least one a month. IK: You recently tweeted, “There's been far more times that drugs have caused me to freak out because I accidentally did way too little. You don't hear those stories."

Something else that's interesting is that in the advocacy and research of psychedelics so much of it is focusing on problems: cluster headaches, severe depression, PTSD. In all of that sometimes I lose sight of the fact that sometimes psychedelics can just be a wonderful time. You don't have to have some sort of it disorder to gain benefits and insights from psychedelics.

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SM: In making this documentary and talking to all of these researchers there's all this talk about harm reduction and what happens when someone has too much. Then one day I was thinking, “I've almost never done too many psychedelics in a dose, but what has happened is that I've done not enough. It occurred to me that the number one problem in the psychedelic world is not having access to them or not taking enough because you're too nervous. You're not tripping and you're just reeling for no reason. You never hear that side of it. For every time that someone takes a ten strip of acid, freaks out, and has to be hospitalized, there are ten thousand stories where someone doesn't take enough, doesn't trip, and just feels nauseous for no reason. There's some interesting research being done with MDMA in treating PTSD. They had a regular dose, a half dose, and a placebo. In some cases the half dose was working worse. The full dose was working well, but the half dose was working worse than the placebo because it was just enough to where people were feeling something, but just getting confused, just accessing little bits of the unconscious world, but not getting enough to really get in there and see it clearly.

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SHANE MAUSS, continued from previous page... You can have an amazing time on psychedelics. Why is that a bad thing? Why is it that when something makes you feel good, all of the sudden it's not legitimate. There are some researchers who are trying to take the euphoric aspect out of MDMA and alter the chemicals so that you're just getting the other therapeutic effects. After a while it's like, “Why are we taking the euphoria out? Why is feeling good such a part of the stigma?” IK: I think there's a puritanical aspect to it where people think they can't have something unless there's an absolute need. If it doesn't solve a critical problem then we shouldn't use it for recreation. SM: What's the goal in our lives anyway? Are we only living to solve our problems and then once our needs are met we become emotionless robots? If you ask people what is the most important thing in their life a lot of it focuses on social aspects: friendship, relationships, marriage, family. A lot of people work jobs they hate so that they can have a day off to watch football with their friends or whatever. That one day that they get to do that is what really makes life worth living for them. Why can't we have more?

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IK: What do you think the next big psychedelic will be? Right now it seems like mushrooms are having a resurgence in popularity. What is everyone going to be doing next? SM: I think DMT and Ayahuasca are going to blow some doors open. I was just at my grandma's funeral and I was thinking about how a lot of DMT researchers think that it is what is released in high volumes right before you die and that's why people who are lucky enough to be revived have reports of seeing gods and tunnels and all of that. I've had enough experiences to lead me to believe that I think they're on to something with that. DMT was absolutely life changing for me, not in the sense that it cured depression or I learned some tangible thing, but in that it revealed this whole other world. My perspective is that there is a kind of multiverse in our heads and we have many many different kinds of consciousness...it's a humbling experience to have this kind of forced alternative perspective on the world. I feel that psychedelics in general force perspectives and open new paths. http://www.shanemauss.com/

Stock Photo Greeting Cards

Zack Newkirk, staff

Greeting cards can be expensive. Two dollars? No thanks, I'll be putting that under my mattress! Problem is, you still have to invite people to things and thank them for stuff and tell them happy Christmas and everything. However, the solution is cheap: stock photos. Simply take a picture from the internet, slap some words on it, and you can be congratulating Aunt Rachel on her hysterectomy via the mail in no time! Please print these examples as templates for your own free-to-cheap greeting cards:

the passin g So sorr y to hear of of a loved one.....

a door... But when God closes He opens a window.

QR code of the Month

Derek’s turning 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Power Rangers themed birthda

y party! DRESS UP!!!!!!!!!

June 14th at Marci’s house at no on!!!!!!

TH ER E W IL L B E C A K E! !!! A N D C H IP S

YOU NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE. TRUST ME. 48

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Funk Teacher

Ivan Garcia, contributor

Are you looking to freshen up that look? Do you need a complete life change? All you need is the funk teacher. Nothing but the funk, you dig? If life has you down all you need is to be injected by the funk bug. You’ll be out on the streets lookin' so fresh, Ziplock will want to take credit. With our 12-week funk course you won't be giving a funk about all those haters. Give us a call at 1(800)GET-FUNK and get started on your funk lessons.

If Ray Had a Penis

Palindrome of the Month

Photo by Dutch Savage

Ray Flynn, staff (She’s a she, not a he.)

If I had a penis, I would try to do drugs off of or with it. Drop some acid on there. Maybe roll it in coke and get a long straw. I've seen people drop doses into their eyeballs and that shit looks painful. I'd rather dose my dick, or better yet, my balls. Then I could really be trippin' balls. 50

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Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron. 51

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF||| With narration we watch the well-adjusted Alice In Acidland (1969) discover the black & white predator-like stoner sexploitation crowd. Given LSD, as she peaks, the film turns beautiful color experimental psychedelic freak-out, and then hilariously turns tragic anti-drug propaganda film. Mind blown!

A scientist looking for enlightenment experiments with hallucinatory Altered States (1980) and finds religious insanity. His search takes him through different cultures’ use of plants to hallucinate his inner prehistoric soul. Combined with an isolation tank, "this guy's a fucking gorilla!" Rad!!!

A stripper, Mantis in Lace (1968), brings lonely men home to her warehouse-storage unit, takes LSD, and dismembers them with an axe, all while police wonder why boxes of dead guys keep popping up in town. Let's throw in some random sex scenes for no reason.

Seizure-Inducing scenes of psychedelia forewarn us viewers before the medieval post-battle scavenger hunt through A Field In England (2013). A magical alchemist forces war deserters to search for treasure and magic mushrooms while all visual hell breaks loose.

To a great psychedelic soundtrack the authorities follow a deaf woman bussing to the Haight-Ashbury underbelly to find her acid-loving preacher brother. She takes STP (like a hallucinogenic amphetamine) and goes into a frightening Psych-Out (1968). "Reality is a deadly place; I hope it's a good one." It's not, but beautiful it is.

The Acid Eaters (1968) montage quickly through their dreary weekdays to the LSD-drenched weekend in a quest for Satan’s LSD sugar cube pyramid. It's racist, weird nonsense and basically insists eating acid is akin to a topless dancing orgy in hell. Eliminate the racists and sign me up!

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A movie director goes on The Trip (1967) of his life after hooking up a psychedelic pad for LSD experimental kaleidoscopic imagery. While battling the surreal fantasies, he flees to roam the city on a nightmarish search for a woman he met at the acid house.

"We were somewhere around Barstow" starts the story everyone knows and loves. After the drugs take hold, Raul Duke and Doctor Gonzo travel for Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (1998) with a trunk full of illicit drugs. Beautifully photographed to mimic an acid trip, but a little too irresponsible and depraved, like reading Savage Henry on an ether binge.

A violent, overbearing mom pushes her LSD-making son, Max, into popular rock stardom. His band includes Richard Pryor, drumming his film debut. Max convinces a politician exploiting the band’s popularity to enact lowering the voting age to 15. After dosing the country’s water supply, he’s swiftly voted into the Oval Office© and decrees mandatory retirement at the age of 30 and LSD concentration camps at 35 for this Wild In The Streets (1968) teenage takeover of America. Fuck yeah!

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|THE|END|

A woman marries a man whose daughter's creepy boyfriend was expelled from college for making LSD. The new husband dies, so the daughter and boy-toy slip stepmother a pill jar full of acid and mind-fuck her awhile. The Big Cube (1969) happens when people who've never done drugs make an acid movie, which accounts for the campy hilarity.

The Savage Henry Magazine Radio Network

Colin Farrell is Underrated in His Awfulness This is a Paid Advertisement

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Illuminati By Nature Dutch Savage hosts this podcast about the paranormal. Think Coast to Coast AM with comedians. Don’t listen alone!

The Savage Henry Magazine Radio Program

Trevor Has Friends Trevor Lockwood does indeed have friends… and he and co host James Stephen welcome these friends each week to play an improv game where they get their prompts from Cards Against Humanity. Some hear the gears churn.

The OG, the Flagship podcast. Magazine editors Sarah Godlin and Chris Durant along with guests drink soda and laugh.

Bud Time Coughcast Are You Lit?

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest smoke the best weed from A comedy/advice podcast from Sam Evan Vest and Mike Sargent host this Wingspan and Savage Henry Magazine, around the country and attempt podcast about movies…probably not too where he aims to solve all of the world’s ills to podcast at the same time. much Hollywood talk, more like Troma by getting stoned and trying to help. Leave and cult stuff. Guests and jokes too. an anonymous question at 877-217-9557. Paranoid Celluloid

In the Ring With Redbeard A Month of Sundays Reverend William Toblerone and Nathan the Non Believer get together and try to find different ways to see God. 56

Matt Redbeard talks...and talks…. and talks about wrestling and he knows his shit. Guests and analysis from a fan’s point of view, not some journalist hack!

Tommy Lucero, contributor As I set forth on yet another pilgrimage, I swallow the whole bag of psilocybin. Most wouldn't dare to embark on such a journey especially on such a public transport as the great American Greyhound bus service, but those are also the same people that believe Taco Bell is authentic just because a Mexican made it. Sure, the idea of being around a sect of the population that usually scares me while on hallucinogens is risky until I realized I'm on this bus too and that I shouldn't be such an asshole. I've always enjoyed road trips largely due to the people I run across and the conversations that come from those meetings, this idea was driven home all the more with the decision to go on a trip while tripping'. If you've never pushed your every sense to the brink by subjecting it to a bus station along the preexisting Greyhound bus route then you should just turn in your walking papers on life. I can't argue against the idea of a cushy cross country road trip in a car but chances are you'll be riding with someone who won't be able to handle if you start seeing their face melt. So my explanation is this — why not just go through that experience in something that already looks like it's melting from the heat of each dumpster fire? One unpleasantly Kubrickian station was the stop in Sacramento. When I first stepped off the bus and into a Technicolor dreamscape I quickly noticed the omnipresent sniffle. I suspected that there was a hay fever outbreak but quickly realized my folly when I saw several gentlemen shoving water up their noses and figuring how counterproductive to a runny nose that would be. When I was making my way from the bathroom down the ever extending hallway I thought to myself of a quote from two prolific philosophical minds, which is "The best place to be is here...and the best time to be is now." Directly after I had a conversation with a leprechaun I found living behind my ear about how Colin Farrell is underrated for being the worst actor of his generation.

The Barnes and Cole Effect Josh Barnes and Alec Cole argue about everything and they bring in their friends and special guests to get yelled at too! www.savagehenrymagazine

Funny Things to Say When Someone Trips While Walking

Sarah Godlin, staff

“Why you trippin’?” “See you next fall!” “Logan dies in the end!” “Your mom ate your placenta!” “What’s with the gravitational pull around your facial area in relation to the flat surface you are trying to remain affixed to only with your feet?” “Even in the valley of the shadow of death, two and two do not make six.” “It’s wrong to breed pugs and bulldogs!” “Your parents show their shame of you in small, passive-aggressive comments!” “If you are hurt you won’t pay out of pocket at the hospital, hoser!” (Only applicable in Canada) “How’s the weather down there?”

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I’m Not High-Strung and Here’s the PowerPoint Tiffany Greysen, contributor Presentation That Proves It Here’s my quick-tip guide to creating the perfect PowerPoint presentation for friends and family when you need to prove that you’re not high-strung (with and without Excel sheet options). I’m not going to lie: getting everyone together is tricky. You’re going to have to get everyone in the same place at the same time, and since nobody ever says, “I wish I could go to a meeting and listen to a PowerPoint presentation on my day off,” you’re going to have to lie. I call this a "reverse intervention." Just like any other intervention, it’s for a good cause. Remember, you are not high-strung, and it is time to drill that fact into the heads of anyone who ever said otherwise. Suggested Lies:

breakfast on me,

huh?

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BREA K F A ST : LU NC H : BEE R : O R GA N I C F OOD & D RI NK

Dinner Party: Do plan on feeding them, though— I learned this the hard way. You don’t want a full room of people turning on you after you start presenting and they realize there is no food; not only is it really irritating, it’s also distracting and will ruin the timing of the presentation. Health Scare: This one is good because everyone is ready to listen, and they will appreciate the handouts and visual aid of PowerPoint. It’s important to edit your PowerPoint to kind of imply that there will be a big reveal at the end. Long-Lost Relative: You found grandma’s adopted brother! No, no you didn’t. This one is good if you can speak quickly. You will have to cut the presentation time down to two hours. Tops. Christmas: Everyone is already together and you know your sister-in-law who gets the “headaches” will be there because it’s the only family event she ever attends. The only downside to doing this on Christmas morning is that the kids will whine and cry that you hid the presents until the presentation is over. I recommend this option only for advanced public speakers, teachers, or stand-up comedians. As far as your content, I can’t really help with that, but I can help with format. Here are a few helpful tips: Use legible fonts and size. Titles should be at least 36 to 40 points, bulleted text or body copy at least 24 points. Be concise. A common rule is to cut paragraphs down to sentences, sentences into phrases, and phrases into keywords. Name names. If it was Aunt Betty who told you to chill out and she was out of line, say it. Explain the entire situation, and use visuals. Don't crowd your slides. Use normal case and punctuate sparingly. Use visuals like Excel diagrams if they enhance the message. Use color and animation to show your feelings.

Tiffany Greysen is a standup comedian and writer from Portland-ish, Oregon. She is a freelance writer for several humor publications. Her comedy is part advice columnist and part parenting guide... neither of which should be followed. You can find her on Twitter as @TiffanyGreysen or on Facebook by name. 60

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Ben’s 10 The hills are alive with the sound of Kaaaay-Slug!

Volume LXXXIV:

Trippin’ Out In The Music Industry

No, this isn’t trippin’ like I just ate a bag of mushrooms with David Crosby, more like “What the hell were they thinking?”

Ben Allen, music editor

RCA RELEASING LOU REED’S METAL MACHINE MUSIC

Let’s say you’re an executive at RCA records in the early 1970’s. One of your most lucrative acts (Lou Reed) is riding high on the success of his album Transformer and its David Bowieproduced single “Walk on the Wild Side.” Your man Reed submits his new album featuring nothing but guitar feedback and manipulated ambient electronic noise. How do you feel? Would you be trippin’ too?

GUNS N’ ROSES RECORD AND RELEASE CHINESE DEMOCRACY

In a measly 17 years and a budget of over $13 million dollars, Axl Rose handed in the most exceptionally mediocre heavy rock album of all time. It’s not that Chinese Democracy is bad, it’s just that what could be good songs get lost in overproduced string sections, electronic synth, and samples of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

BOB DYLAN’S BORN-AGAIN PHASE

It should have been no surprise to fans and critics alike when Dylan released a series of recordings in the early 80’s, celebrating his newfound love of Jesus and all things Christian. The man has always done whatever the fuck he wants artistically, regardless of what anyone thinks.

THE OFFSPRING SONG “CRUISIN’ CALIFORNIA (BUMPIN IN MY TRUNK)” Hey, every band has to experiment a bit, right? In 2012 The Offspring released a single that may have well been an outtake of Katy Perry’s latest masterpiece. It’s puzzling as the Offspring were once the kings of “90s-extreme-snowboard-punk.”

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL’S RAP ALBUMS

Yes, the enormous former NBA player had a rap career. His musical output highlighted his ability in stroking his ego while mumbling over decent beats on tracks such as “I’m Outstanding.”

THE BAND IRON BUTTERFLY WHILE RECORDING “IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA” “Hey man, what’s the name of this song?” “In the garden. . .of. . .mgdhfdfdsds. . .” (stoned and drunkenly mumbled by songwriter Doug Ingle)

STING’S POST-POLICE CAREER

Why not follow up a career with (arguably) the most popular band of the 80’s by releasing adult contemporary sounds the equivalent of plain oatmeal? Because you’re Sting, and you can do whatever the hell you want!

ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ATTENDED A CONCERT BY OR BOUGHT AN ALBUM BY HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD

You would think the death rattle of nu-metal had already been heard by the time Hollywood Undead released their debut in 2008. The band’s music sets the tone perfectly for any testosterone-junkie to head out for a night on the town to drink Jagermeister, chest-butt his friends and engage in meaningless violence.

NEIL YOUNG’S EVERYBODY’S ROCKIN’

Listen live at

kslg.com 62

Let’s just say Neil Young was a bit “confused” in the early 80’s. Sandwiched between the futuristic vocoder synth-pop of Trans and the pure country of Old Ways, Everybody’s Rockin’ was a bizarre take on rockabilly and that classic 50’s sound. Even more impressive is the album art.

DAVID LEE ROTH WORKING AS AN EMT

Hey, what are you going to do after Kurt Cobain instantaneously makes your hard rock/pop outfit (Van Halen) look bloated and silly? Well, why not try your hand at saving lives and cruising around as an EMT? www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

RedRumsey / Teach Me Equals - RedRumsey / Teach Me Equals Dutch Savage, staff This record opens with what appears to be a simple acoustic track featuring former Unwound bassist Vern Rumsey (RedRumsey). Immediately after, the album shifts toward a stranger wormhole of weird. At times moody and unpredictable, the record takes the listener in an unlikely direction with eclectic sounds and interesting recording techniques. By the middle, we hear Teach Me Equals with a smooth reverb-drenched female voice squeezed from what could be Kim Gordon’s Washing Machine-era Sonic Youth demos. The spaced-out guitar licks and drum machine are irresistible, with Vern “Red” Rumsey’s bass lines playing a vital role in the mix. The record evolves into an upbeat coda bridging the gap between indie and pop.The multi-faceted vocals evoke a Lana Del Rey vibe, and smoothly stream over the crude distortion as the bass thumps elegantly. There are many layers to this record. While the RedRumsey songs have a cool feel, Teach Me Equals add an element of vibrancy. The whole thing is a little on the peculiar side, which makes this record an interesting listen.

PBR Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR

Spiral Stairs - Doris and the Daggers Jimmie Menezes, contributor As a longtime fan of Pavement, I was stoked to have an early listen to prominent songwriter, Scott Kannberg's, latest batch of recordings. I related to Pavement because they came from my area and were bored, just like me. We all have those friends that mature; ya know: move away for college, get married, have kids, move back home and get boring. Well, that buddy of yours just made an album. I hate to be the longtime fan that's all "what the fuck is this shit?", but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Trumpets? Accordions? Guest contributions from today's hot indie stars to get the kids to buy the album? Pavement was great, but they weren't the Beatles and you ain't Paul McCartney, bud. I'm sure if you are into mediocre dude rock, you'd dig this album, a lot. If I were unaware this album was made by the guy from Pavement, I’d probably be less critical, but still wouldn't like it.

Rating: 6 out of 12 cans of PBR

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ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

Feral Ohms - Feral Ohms Amanaka, contributor Remember getting thrown up against a wall and liking it? That's what Feral Ohms feels like. A good ol' fashion ass kick to the ears. The name Ethan Miller was enough to get me interested. Miller has a pretty stellar track record of musical outlets, playing with bands like Comets on Fire, Heron Oblivion and Howlin Rain. These guys have the energy of a volcanic fury, and you'll turn yourself inside out trying to keep up with them. It’s “caveman psych,” and these fellas take no breaks. This album resurrects teen angst and rebirths it into a flaming bag of shit to stomp out in the pit. Every track is guaranteed to have a fuzz/scuzz feedback flanked outro that makes the whole thing sound like one long song, or one hell of a live show that I wouldn't dare miss.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR

NE-HI - Offers Samantha Gilweit, contributor NE-HI seems like a band that has lot of punk friends they watch do drugs in the parking lot, but are promptly home by midnight because mommy told them so. What that means is structure with dirty influences, which makes for a highly entertaining, yet listenable album without the ego of many revival garage rock bands that just want to sonically wave their big, hipster dicks in our faces. Everybody Warned You conjures up later Replacements’ records and even a Real Estate-eqsue surfy vibe. Lead singer Jason Balla’s voice has just enough of a Pete Shelley, Buzzcockian nasalness that balances well when paired with incredibly fluid, reverb laden guitar riffs. Fuck yes, real instruments. Check out the single “Stay Young” to see how seamlessly these guys morph their influences. You want their dicks in your face, trust me.

Rating: 11 out of 12 cans of PBR

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com 66

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A Review of a Comedy Record.

M.Bunny, contributor

Samantha Gilweit Single.Mother.Fucker. With such crisp,clear, and captivating vocals from the get-go, one is easily going to enjoy this production. Samantha's voice sounds sooo right, like you're listening to an awesomely hilarious audio book with great backing tracks to boot. Upon first listen, I was drawn to the words and her wonderful voice. On a second listen (by choice), I found myself drawn to the incredible melodies and catchy lyrics. I caught myself singing her tunes while wandering around while shopping the other day. Within one minute of listening to the first track, I was able to relate: living on the coast, pigs, and porking, or lack thereof. As I mentioned, this is not just a silly CD or Cassette, it's a great musical piece, with incredible songwriting and even an appearance from (seminal 90’s indie band) Jawbreaker’s Adam Pfahler! If you're into laughing, and appreciate quality music all in one package, I highly encourage you to find the upcoming Single. Mother.Fucker. EP by Samantha Gilweit!

I’ve Got Switch Fever!

Rating: 10 out 12 cans of PBR Rocco Tenaglia, contributor

Do you ever think about the future archaeologists you are fucking up when you take seashells home and place them around your house? No. You only think about yourself.

The Nintendo Switch has been upon us for a few weeks now and, although it lacks a substantial library of games, I couldn’t be happier with it! The Switch is extremely versatile. You can play Zelda: Breath of the Wild in crystal clear HD via your smart TV or… What’s this? Your girlfriend wants to watch some of her bullshit? Well pop the Joy-Cons out of the controller and onto the side of the system and it turns into a handheld game, so you never have to stop playing! Beyond its versatility, the Switch just has an excellent feel to it. The Joy-Cons, whether they’re hooked up to the wrist straps, nestled within the provided controller, or acting as handles to the console itself, don’t feel cheap or flimsy, and are actually quite comfortable in the hand or other parts of the body. And that is how I contracted Switch Fever. The doctors say I have, to their knowledge, the first known case 68

of Switch Fever in North America which, although it sounds like a real honor, actually bums me out! That’s all for now! Now go out there and Switch it up! Rocco can be found on Twitter @PearlJamFanclub www.savagehenrymagazine

! 0 2 / 4 Happy The Heart of Humboldt has great deals to celebrate, every day up till the big day treat yourself!

Things That Are Worse Than Smashmouth’s Song “Might As Well be Walking on the Sun” 1. A lemon that has gone moldy and is now sticking to the side of your fruit bowl and smelling up your pantry.

Sarah Godlin, staff

2. When someone from a country with smaller personal space bubbles stands behind you in line. 3. When your cat doesn’t wipe properly and now you must chose between ignoring it or wiping your cat’s butt with a wet paper towel. 4. When your hacky sack lands in the mean neighbor’s yard and he is old so you can’t text him to get it back, and you have to go up to his door and interact with him. But literally nothing else. Nothing.

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Monthly Confession

Trippin’ Insurance

Ivan Garcia, contributor

Taking psychedelics can be a beautiful, mind-altering experience, and a sense of peace and connectedness can be side effects. However, sometimes taking these type of drugs can lead to some harmful experiences. Faces can melt and your best friend can turn into a werewolf. Don’t be left crying in mother’s closet; remember to get Trippin' Insurance. Trippin' Insurance covers all aspects of a bad trip. Scary monsters will be prosecuted and that bar of soap you're feeling paranoid about will be brought under scrutiny. Don’t be left with the bill if your friends end up defecating and vomiting all over your new car. Walk-ins are welcome, come by for a free quote.

The only way I can tolerate parent-teacher conferences anymore is if I microdose.

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Are You Trippin’ or Is It Changing?

M. Bunny, contributor

ou don't see it happen, and that's exactly what they want. Y It's like the most potent LSD-laced mushroom you've ever been given -- shit is melting into a new place. Here's the part to leave you trippin’: those puppet-masters making the changes overnight will call you crazy if you notice the change. There are a few methods used by "big bro" as ways of controlling your mind without pharmacorps even being needed. “Gaslighting” is a method oftentimes used in abusive relationships; just like the relationship you have with your Uncle Sam. When “gaslighting” is used, the naive victim can oftentimes be manipulated into believing that they are crazy for believing the truth. “Gaslighting” is used daily against you -- if you are living in the US, at least. Stuff is going to happen right in front of you, it will be denied and if anyone speaks of the event again, I'd rather not discuss the consequences of telling the truth! Stay playing those cell phones and watching cable TV -- it's totally going to keep you "zombieminded" to the point that you'll believe whatever you've been fed by your all-loving "big brother." Just remember you're just trippin' and you're probably crazy; no one is trying to trick you, especially not your government. Maybe all of this confusion and changes have been caused by the stars or, parallel universes are colliding, and time is not lining up? Let's get into our next technique used, and a method recently discovered, the “Mandela Effect." Here's a seriously trippy theory: things are changing right in front of you, and the past records from prior to the change are being erased forever! Let me give you a few examples: Millions of people remember a movie from the 1990's called Shazaam starring Sinbad as a genie (not to be confused with Shaq's Kazaam). In all actuality, there is no documentation or recording of this movie,and yet millions of people recall seeing it, or at least the poster for the movie. The theory was created after many people recall Nelson Mandela reportedly dying while incarcerated, in the 80's, while other people remember a more recent service being held. There have been several changes, like nothing ever happened, because all history is erased! There have been reports of several types of changes over time: logos, brand names, movie quotes, song lyrics, TV show titles, and C-3PO having a silver leg! So many people remember one thing and believe that it has been changed in time without proof. Once again, you're probably smoking too many dabs and overthinking things -- it's been the same forever! 74

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You use it to bash your rivals into oblivion. What a stud.

Daaaamn, son. What’s that thing on your head?

You are terrifying. Even if you went on a diet you would still be terrifying. You had better dress in pastels.

It’s always feelings. You are good at keeping them out.

What are you afraid of? Is it feelings?

You are super cute, but a little slow. Also, you are a vegetarian and that’s not going to help when it comes to passing on your genes.

Flow Chart: Which Extinct Animal Are You? Sarah Godlin, staff

Do you think you could give me a ride somewhere after this blizzard?

I’m a Devil Sticks Wizard and I’ll entertain you during a blizzard.

What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?

Savage Henry Horoscopes

be rewarded.

The Demon Filled Testicles of That One Guy a Few Years Ago, staff

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-In 2010 a Humboldt resident didn’t have a spotter while allegedly under the influence of LSD, and castrated himself and flushed his balls down the toilet. After 7 years in the sewers under Arcata, his balls have been found and asked to do the Horoscopes this issue.

-,Aries (3/21 - 4/19) Other people may find it difficult to deal with today's intensity, Aries, but you will be quite adept at fitting into whatever situation comes your way. The waters may get quite rough, especially when it comes to love and romance, but know that the boat you're on is seaworthy. There's also room for others, so let more people on board. Oh, and cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet. Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) Issues of the heart may be a bit difficult to deal with now, Taurus. Try not to completely shut off the channels of communication while you work on dealing with these issues. It's vital that you open the channels wider and bring more of your feelings to the surface. Compassionate people will listen to you and help sort out your emotions if you let them. Do not let the demons seep from your scrotum… end the suffering of those testicles swollen with the evil of Satan! Gemini (5/21 - 6/20) You may get frustrated today when people don't seem to act rationally. Just listen to me. To you, Gemini, the issues may be perfectly cut and dried. You see where I’m going here? Keep in mind that not everyone sees the world the way you do. There's an element of strong emotion that's likely to play into the picture, an element that you probably failed to take into account. Perhaps the 10 strip you gobbled down. Make note of this as you go through your day and cut me off at your earliest convenience. Thanks. Cancer (6/21 - 7/22) Go deeper beneath the surface today with that scalpel, Cancer. You may get along just fine with the way you now handle things, but imagine getting rid of all these demons in your sack! Keep in mind, however, that you aren't likely to progress down your path until you turn up the intensity. If you don't, you may find that someone turns it up for you. Suddenly, volatile emotions could catch you by surprise and you will be floundering for support. Stay ahead of the game. Leo (7/23 - 8/22) You may wonder why it is that you can gain control of so many parts of your life, but nothing seems to go right when it comes to romance. Try hacking off your nuts! Dismiss the notion that you're unworthy of love; just your evil, evil balls are unworthy of love. Don't try to portray yourself as someone you're not. Perhaps you're confusing the people around you by projecting an image that's completely different from who you really are. Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) Try to stay on the lighter side today, Virgo. By making yourself two testicles lighter! This may be easier said than done. You're the bridge that connects an island to the shore. Like your taint, but that ain’t evil. Just your balls. And the water is rising and the island is about to be completely submerged. People are scrambling to reach you. Be careful that the situation doesn't become an issue of self-sacrifice. The bridge is apt to sag or even break under so much weight and pressure. Libra (9/23 - 10/22) You may be trying to deal with things in a neat, orderly manner today, Libra. Try not to get too frustrated

if things don't work out exactly the way you'd like. Remember, measure twice and cut once. Tension may occur when matters of the heart come up for discussion, just don’t mention your demon seed extraction. People may get rather emotional, sending your neat, orderly plan right out the window. But don’t toss your balls out with the bathwater; just flush them.

APRIL LINEUP 4.14 JENNI & DAVID & THE SWEET SOUL BAND ��Blues 4.15 THE ROADMASTERS ��Classic Rock 4.21 MARSHALL HOUSE PROJECT ��Funk/Soul/Rock

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) Just when you thought you had love and romance all worked out in your head, your hideous nards had to chime in, and something or someone (who’s name rhymes with Payton) steps in to put your heart in a whirl once again. More than likely, the intensely emotional drama of the day is a passing phase, so try not to get too worked up about it. Situations may seem life or death today, but remember that they aren't… unless you are your gonads. Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) Be careful of letting your heart get carried away today, Sagittarius. Extreme emotions are likely, making you very aware of your environment and what other people are thinking about you. Shhhh. Listen close, you can hear them…. “Cut your balls off…cut your balls off.” You may want to retreat to the forest and seek council with the fairies and trolls, but don’t! Those are agents against your lord and master Beelzebub! Fantasy is a terrific way to escape the emotional intensity that's likely to be in the air on a day like this… Oh, and precision surgery on your huevos.

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Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) Your emotions could be quite strong today, Pisces. You may find it difficult to act without having intense feelings come into the picture. Be careful about speaking without first thinking how your words will affect other people. It's important for you to be receptive in order to tune into the activity around you. Be open to others' opinions, like mine… Cut your damn balls off!

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Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) Be prepared for an emotional backlash that's likely today if you get too possessive about your romantic partner, Capricorn. Issues about freedom versus commitment could arise whether you're involved in a close relationship or not. Perhaps these feelings are simply internal and you're trying to figure out your position on the matter before you proceed. Only one way to find out. Split open your scrote and have a look for yourself!Aquarius Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) You may feel blocked on all sides today, Aquarius, with no escape hatch. There's a strong set of forces acting in such a way as to make you feel responsible for some mess that has occurred in your life. Remember that when it comes to partnerships, it takes two to make or break a situation. Don't blame everything on yourself. It’s all your family’s fault… Your family jewels!

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"The first time my wife and I tried Viagra, she said, 'It's been been four hours! How "I want my auto-pilot to be long is this gonna take? I've got shit to do!'" “I'm more of a water down my NOT getting arrested." - Clock Tower Records, Grass Valley parents liquor kinda guy.” - Pete's Pizza, Grass Valley - The Shanty "I got arrested for Assault with a Paper Plate." “He's got a good heart, - Loyalton "You know that girl, but his brain's a dick.” One-Eyed Shelley?" - Nevada City “I like to poop when I'm - Chico at work because then I'm "I double-fingered you getting paid to take a shit.” and it wasn't thumbs." - The Shanty "It's too crowded in here for blowjobs." - Nevada City - Southern Humboldt Transit bus "I'm a sucker for ice cream, I live between "We must go back "I fart better with a Baskin Robbins and a Dairy Queen" and trespass!" my shoulder." - Grumpy Tow Truck Driver - Clearlake - Chicago Girl - "Half of a peeled orange looks like a vagina." Gay man - "Oh, how horrible." - Grass Valley

Girl 1 - "Oh, I'm sorry!" Girl 2 - "Did you just apologize to a headstone?" - Mendocino

"The cat slipped on the fucking pancakes." - Harris "Do you know what jizz is, Mom?" - Mendocino “God, I really need to get my life

"Is it illegal to steal ducks? - Clearlake

together and sell all this acid.” - a growers 18 year old son on the hill

“I'll do anything more productive than that. Like jacking off with sand.” - Arcata

"Everything farts, I'm pretty sure that even fairies fart." - 4am in Arcata "I got to make out with Sexy Zebra." - Blondie's "I'm talking to no one but I'm using real words." - Sidelines, Arcata

“So I was thinking instead of getting married we should just get pregnant.” - NCA

"The first place I want to fuck you is in the graveyard. Shit. I just said that out loud." - Portola

"I made the conscious decision to kill her. " - Forbestown

For funny shit you hear other people say - not your own dumb shit you think is funny but you are just drunk. Text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. 80

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Ailment of the Month

Blaschko’s Lines Cool human zebra stripes or swirls.

next month:

The Fantasy Issue Shire Shmire

An interview with the last remaining unicorn How many goblins does it take to change a lightbulb?

Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82

Art by Lucy Castle www.savagehenrymagazine