Issue #109 of Savage Henry Magazine

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

editor@savagehenrymagazine.com COVER ARTIST | Monica Durant SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Another Harvest Issue in the books! Like the literal books, or more like magazine. I believe this is Savage Henry’s 8th Harvest Issue and just like extractors get every last drip and glob of THC out of the weed plant, we have done the same with weed jokes!

In this issue we have strains, and trim tips and just about whatever else you can make fun of in this ever emerging sub culture.

Weed.

Pot.

SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle

Cannabis.

L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid

Blow.

DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera CONTRIBUTORS Seth Milstein, Matt Redbeard, Mike Spiegelman, Saul Trujillo, Connor Martin, Aaron Kronman, Aaron Richter, Jeff Ward , Jane Malone, Calista LaBolle, Jacqui Pirl, William Toblerone, Jason Merritt, Evan Vest, Dan O’Neil, Tommy Lucero, Spencer Devine, Cory Barringer, Lauren Brenner, Lauren Rentala, Kasey Spoon, Chaz Logan Hyde,

Junk.

Speed.

Whatever you call it, it’s stlll marijuana.And it’s funny.

On a more serious note. Thank you to all who have donated so far to our Croronapacolypse GoFundMe campaign. We all of a sudden found ourselves with our backs against the wall at our comedy club at 415 5th St. in Eureka. We have been closed since March, open briefly with very limited capacity before being shut down again. So we haven’t been able to pay rent since pretty much March.

These are the fine folks

We were all of a sudden in a real SHIT or get off the pot moment. We put the word out and fans, writers, comedians, readers, artists, grandparents, a couple politiciians and so many more steped up and donated and literally saved the comedy club.

who deliver Savage

Thank you.

Henry every month. Buy

If you’re in Humboldt, and we’re all vaccinated or Covid is just gone one day, or you’re looking for a place to come for vacation, come see us at the Club. Comedy at least 6 nights a week. Beginners, locals, national headliners.

Jason Robo, Alec Cole

‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Ray Flynn - Grass Valley, Nevada City...

Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com

Chris Durant Editor/ Publisher/ Booker Savage Henry Independent Times

Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to address above Savage Henry has been in print since 2010, founded by Chris Durant, Sarah Godlin, Monica Durant, and Josh Duke

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g n i n r a w l a t n e r a P This magazine is a lot like weed... only for adults.

Don’t let your kids read it or look at the pictures.

Table of Contents Letters to the Editors............................................................... 11

Strain Name Generator.........................................................55

Indica or Sativa?..........................................................................12

Toons by Tobes.........................................................................57

What I’ve Learned From Legal Weed................................... 15

Smoking Weed For the First Time.......................................59

Scumbag Alley............................................................................. 17

Ben’s 10.........................................................................................63

THC Tools....................................................................................... 18

Music Reviews.............................................................................65

What Will Oregon Decriminalize Next?..............................21

Cross Joint Word....................................................................69

Headlines.......................................................................................23

Skullface........................................................................................ 71

Weed Etiquette for the Older...............................................24

Eavesdroppings..........................................................................77

Redbeard Ruminations.............................................................25 Signs With Weed........................................................................ 26 Homeland Insecurity.................................................................29 The Problem With Pinecones...............................................33 Your Breath Stinks.....................................................................35 Funny Jokes for Potheads....................................................37 Breathing is Overrated.............................................................39 Can We Get Out of the Bakery.............................................40 MORE! Quarantine Merit Badges.......................................... 41 5 Ways Money Ruins Weed.....................................................43 What to Listen to When Stoned........................................... 47

@cloudhandsfarm

cloudhandsfarm.com

Things That Are Better Vs.....................................................49 Why is Weed Still Illegal In.....................................................51 Safe Ways to Pass the Dutchie.............................................53

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Thank you to all who donated so far to our Save Savage Henry GoFundMe! gofundme.com/save-savage-henry

CANNABIS AND PSYCHEDELIC ART COLLIDE AT

569 SEARLS AVENUE NE VA DA CIT Y, C A 95949 530-264-7684

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103 ARGALL WAY NE VA DA CIT Y, C A 95959

B C C L I C E N S E # M 10 -18 - 0 0 0 0 3 2 6

W W W.T HE C H A MBERS PRO J E C T.C O M

Brad Kremer Megan Yost Abdullah Saeed Dillon Collins Justin Gomes Morgana Summers Fernando and Karen Paz Dominguez Morgan Kaufman Erik Mandler Jeff Anaya Natalie Arroyo Josh Argyle Billy Wayne Davis Garrett Vest Amos Sobol Zeno Gibson Cate Ross Erik Escobar Ray Flynn Ivan Mueting Frank Cum Allison Mick Elizabeth Henry Raul Rojas Sean Green Voctoria Vest Buck Evans Lathey LaBolle Marianne Keller Joey Reed Gaela Marie Mitchell William Kelley Scott Bowser Phoebe Durant Garrett Purchio Phillip Elcock Sarah Meunier David Gamble Jr. Stephen Carey Vanessa Gonzalez Dave Davison Teri Lane Patrick Moon Aaron Eilliott Nathan Davis-Floyd Stacey Bertolotti Dana Caley Ryland Tunila Teresa Glidewell Amanda Sobotor Kandace King Erik Ruiz Emma Jonas Connor Martin Caitlin Wik Ethan Eldredge Shane Listberger Parker Newman Rebecca Curtis Schoonmaker Seth Milstein David Eubanks Timothy Dominick Rahna Denmak Cloudhand Farms Cory Robinson Andrew Holmgren Chelsea Pulliam Margaret Hanson Stephanie Knowles Ben Rice and Becky Lynn Nina G Ronele Herd Jeff Mason Nathan Ladd Victor Pascali Jacqueline Keegan Mery Serbins Phyllis Diane Beresford Donna Landry Abigail Camerino Gage Hensley T.L. Devaney Patricia Sullivan Noel Payne Taragh McQueeney Melanie Calabrese Anthony Flores Dylan Malcolm David Nereo Serena Gamboa Francisco Lares Walker Glenn Kaylyn Belcher Uriah Jacquez Jane Malone Joe Deschaine Calista LaBolle Aviva Siegel Carrie Levy Jake Silberman Will Toblerone Kim Hodges Austin Baca Zack Newkirk Tamara Clohessy Gabrielle Poccia Travis Clohessy Nina Shaw Torio Van Grol Christopher Walmsley Scott Powers Cornell Girczyc-Blum James Couture Jay Aubrey-Herzog And all the inKevin O’Shea Steffen Jon Alcabes person cash and Kennedy George Morgan Eubank Matt Lewis Vemo donations Scott Simpson Zachary Maas Killian Walsh and purchaes David Green Saul Trujillo Joel Gibson at the club!

Rachel Rothenberg Andrea B Daren Busing Lissie Rydz Patrick Sievert John Lehre Daniel Weber Brannan Dougherty www.savagehenrymagazine

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Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

Dear Savage Henry

Dear editor,

I just wrote to say I will not be attending any shows . I was walking to work in Old Town past your “alley mic” a comic screamed that’s the expletive that broke my heart come back Karen over and over!! A homeless guy followed me the rest of the way to work.

Which happened to be several blocks screaming come back Karen why did you break his heart she broke my heart too . He stood outside my work screaming let me in your heart and your house !!

He finally left after defecating and rubbing the feces into a heart shape and setting a fire in the trash can . I’m going to contact the city council I don’t appreciate “comics” screaming about big ole expletive calling me Karen or sicking a schizophrenic on me !!!!

Uhhhhh...I forgot. Nevermind Steven, When we said stop calling we meant stop writing us too.

- Ed

Sincerely Not Karen

Hi N You should ot Karen, see Matt Redbeard set when ’s he does it inside!

- Ed

What’s up I’m new to the area from Oklahoma now in macktown . The magazine is cool and shit .Yea so I seen this dude in Macktown with the Savage Henry shirt on walking out the gas station taking off on a skateboard . I said I bet he got some good weed and he did . I lost his number he’s tall has a skateboard got brown hair and lives in the subdivision by the red light I think his name was Bodhi . I’m trying to get Bodhi’s number or anybody’s really that sells good weed cheap . Thanks

Send your comments, attitudes, props or r@ whatever else to edito om savagehenrymagazine.c stcard Or the address on the po below will work too. All me. perspectives are welco

Your’s truly, I hate dispensary’s more than bodhi’s Hi “I hate...”, 00 - Bodhi (707) 420-90 - Ed

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Indica Or Sativa? What Your Weed Strain Says About You Cornell Reid staff We all love to poke holes in an empty 7-Up can and stuff some devil’s lettuce in it then French kiss the mouth of the can pulling gallons of smoke into our lungs and holding it until we’re feeling nice and irie. But the devil didn’t just craft one type of lettuce, his garden carries many varieties. Different strains have different effects on the body. Some strains make you anxious, while others make you nervous and a few high-end selections make you just plain worried. We all have our favorite strands, whether it’s Thin Blue Dream or Antifa Thunderfuck they all say something special about your personality. Here are four quick describers for your favorite weed strain.

OG Kush: You don’t care what anyone says, “Family Guy” is a better show than “The Sopranos.” Sure, they’re both ultimately about families but Sopranos is missing one key aspect; a talking dog. That dog man, it fucking cracks you up. He drives a prius and he’s all sarcastic! Don’t even get you started on the adventures he gets into with that funny ass baby!

Every time an episode of “Family Guy” begins somewhere on TV you put your pocket pussy in the dishwasher, load your bowl full of OG Kush, pour Brisk Iced Tea into your bong and become fully enveloped in the Griffin family drama. Plus, by the time an episode is over your pocket pussy is all done washing!

Chemdawg: You are the conspiracy theorist’s conspiracy theorist. There is nothing that you trust, man. Your third eye AND fourth eye are WIDE open.

9/11 was an OUTSIDE job! You know for a fact that all the presidents are chemtrails and even though your life is of no importance to anybody, you’re pretty sure you’re being followed. You won’t talk on the phone unless your microwave is running. You call everyone sheep cuz they’re unwilling to believe your theory on toilet paper. (You refuse to wipe your butt with it because you think it contains chemicals that control your mind. ) Your favorite word is fractals and under special skills on that resume you put together in 2005 you brag about how you figured out a way to blaze a bowl out of your hula-hoop.

Trainwreck: You won’t go anywhere without your utilikilt. You pray to Master Chief from Halo and you’ve created an effigy to him from driftwood you found on the beach.

You have dreadlocks and also play the accordion in a desperate attempt to present yourself as interesting. But people see through this charade after you finish playing the only song you know, Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. People can’t see how well you tap your toes to the beat, but once you can finally afford those individual toed shoes you’ve had your eye on for the past 6 months then it’ll be “game over” according to you.

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Gorilla Glue: There’s no slack line that you can’t handle! You are able to balance perfectly on the thinnest of line between annoying and unbearable. When you’re not attacking the slack you’re explaining to someone how you got your chakras aligned in Guatemala. However, you always conveniently leave out the part where the “shaman” fingered you in the back of his van after he convinced you to take off your billowy pants. You always choose to wear a vest with no shirt underneath and your circle rimmed glasses aren’t prescription, they just “complete the vibe.” You have the “coexist” bumper sticker tattooed on your back and you refer to people who secretly hate you as “your tribe.”

Strawberry Cough: You can’t go anywhere without your flat brimmed hat cocked slightly to the side. You have a neck tattoo that you think says “make money” in chinese but since your cousin who gave you the tattoo doesn’t speak chinese it’s really just the Safeway logo. You buy a box of Magnum condoms every day from your local liquor store even though your girlfriend refuses to have sex with you anymore. You have a bunch of burnt CDs in the visor of your car and you constantly have to pull over to the side of the road to change the 5 disc cd changer in your trunk from “eminem mix 5” to “badass devil mix” which is just the same song by Machine Gun Kelly 15 times in a row.

Cheese: You LOVE being random! You think your shirt that says “The Badger Stole My Spork” is the funniest thing on the planet.

You have a sign outside your place that says “Narwhal Crossing” how random is that?

You don’t even live near the ocean and even if you did, Narwhals live nowhere near your city! In your head people read the sign and are confused but really they just feel sorry for you. You know every Dr. Who character and you make your own Butterbeer every night after dinner. You can’t get enough cosplay and you're positive that the manga you’re drawing is sure to get you laid. Your neighbors complain to the landlord almost nightly due to your scream fights you have with your cats. Your cats shit under your bed but you’re too lazy to clean it up.

Well I hope you learned something valuable about yourself. If I didn’t mention your favorite weed strain tweet me @CornellReid www.savagehenrymagazine

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What I’ve Learned From Legal Weed

Evan Vest, contributor

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Patreon is a super-cool way to support Savage Henry Magazine. Your small monthly donation buys the gas money that brings the mags to the streets and maybe a burrito for the guy or gal dropping them off.

Check 14 out how it works online at patreon.com/savagehenrymagazine

If you can’t read, the only thing you can do is enjoy the pictures, not the whole story. Reading is the key to knowledge. Knowledge is the key to understanding.

So read on, young man!

Read on, young lady!

- Mr. T.

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Kasey Spoon

Matt O’Brien

We Have The Merch teespring.com/stores/savage-henry-independent-times

Tons of styles and all the sizes, perfect for the SHIThead on your Hoiday Gift List 16

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Tools of the THC Trade

Jason Robo, contributor

Noise-canceling Headphones ($50+): Perfect for drowning out the sea of insanity around you. Also a perfect excuse to ignore anyone who annoys you.

A dull pair of scissors can’t cut for shit, so keep yourself sharp with these peripheral pointers.

Hair cutting cape ($10+): Helps keep you from getting too much goo on you in a sticky situation. Fitting fashion while taking a little off the top.

Baby powder ($2+): Keeps down the funk on your junk. Cut off that must with a sprinkle of this dust.

Boading balls ($10+): Furious fiskaring can result in cannacarpal tunnel. Besides you may want to handle yourself while pondering other sorts of scissoring. Or just feel like Jean Reno in The Professional. So go grow, or get a pair.

Exercise ball ($10+): Bend over backwards to please yourself and stretch out that spine after a buncha hunchin’ over. Bust out some crunches and reverse crunches while you are at it.

Self back and neck massager ($30): Helps if you don’t want to be knotty in a bad way.

Menstrual cup ($10+): Stops you from soaking up time running to the store on your moon cycle. Besides saving time you save the environment, no strings attached. Bonus evasion of toxic shock syndrome.

Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.” ― George Carlin, Brain Droppings Jason Robo is a comedian cutting to the chase with political and personal well-being knowledge. Learn more at jasonrobo.com.

The Whale ($500): If you really want to show some backbone about your health get The Whale spine stretcher made with maple wood.

Vitamin D ($15+): The lack of sun at a low angle prevents your body from making this vital immune health component. They come in drops, caplets, or even gummies, just don’t get them mixed up with the edibles.

Rechargeable USB powered fan ($10+): Sometimes the trim cave gets stuffy for freshen up your airflow without worrying about batteries. Most actually have the same style as some handheld vaporizers in case batteries are not included.

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What’s Oregon Gonna Decriminalize Next?

Collecting Rainwater

Keeping it Weirderer Petty Terrorism

Super heroin.

Instead of tack marks, users will have Oregon Trails

staff

Hookers

Third Degree Prostitution

Medicinal speeding

Micro Dick Brew

Recreational Larceny Gay dog marriage

Cops Not Killing People

Mushrooms for Babies

Non-Violent Assault Having unburnt flags

Freedom Meat Tofu

Protesting

Slam poetry

Savage Henry Comedy Club 415 5th St. Eureka, CA Save Savage Henry gofundme.com/save-savage-henry 20

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Harvest in 2020 News

Aaron Pitcher, contributor

Headlines plucked like sticky buds from around the media vine. Wear your gloves.

Study: Organic Marijuana Growers as Obnoxious as Any Ordinary Organic Farmer

Local Stoner at an All-Time High

Everyone dreams of the Big One.

New Strain ‘COVID-420’ Sees Poor Sales

They don’t always dream about how to properly store it.

Left Coast Turkey Bags® are the perfect long-term storage solution for your harvest.

Our smell-proof, triple-layered nylon bags are 18 x 24 inches with a 5 mm seal, allowing you to confidently store and transport your haul.

Boomer Who Grew Up on Illegal Brick Weed Furious Dispensary Closed at 10

Does the Bible Mention Cannabis?

Not Really but Here’s Where

• BPA and heavy metal-free

Pot Shop Billboard Blocks Out Greenery

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Big Money, Government Team Up to Make Legalization a Drag

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Positive Drug Tests Spike Amid Spreading Decriminalization to Bafflement of Dumb Researchers

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® Eureka Grow Op Has 2 Stories; Police Hear Both

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Autumnal Yield Almost as Big as Spiel

We Sat Down with an Area Grower and Hoo Boy are We Baked

Aww! Adorable First-Timer Believes Edible the Easier Route

Opinion: I Forgot What I Was Gonna Say

Left Coast Wholesale @leftcoastwholesale

Divorced Growers File for Joint Custody 22

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‘Recreational’ User Borderline Professional

SAVAGE HENRY PRO TIP Minimize Crop Loss to Sparrows 23

Weed Etiquette for the Older, Uninitiated Crowd Jacqui Pirl, contributor

Redbeard’s Ruminations

Matt Redbeard, contributor

Now that weed is legal, you might want to try this herb that you haven’t partaken in since high school.

Evidently, since you’re not in the 10th grade anymore, (and because of Covid and all) there are other ways to smoke weed that do not involve having a cute hockey player take a hit, hold it in his mouth, lean over seductively while getting a little boob grab in, and slowly releasing it into your mouth.

Who knew? Not me. (That’s still my favorite way to get high. Not with 10th graders, obviously, but with a cute dude who gently blows in my mouth.)

Lizzie Post, the co-president of the Emily Post Institute and the greatgreat-granddaughter of Emily Post, the infamous expert in all things having to do with etiquette has written a guidebook titled Higher Etiquette; A Guide to the World of Cannabis, From Dispensaries to Dinner Parties, dedicated to and exploring the cannabis culture.

Post says that there are some basic rules of cannabis etiquette that everyone should know when they gather around to smoke with others.

1. Puff. Puff. Pass. She says cannabis is a sharing culture and the most important thing is the act of sharing what you have. So if you’re with people and have weed, and you’re gonna smoke, pass it around.

2. You know that one guy who, when it’s his turn, just stands there holding it and launches into a long-winded (and usually boring) story, while the joint just burns and burns and burns, wasting your weed? Yeah, she says that’s not cool. But then we already knew that.

Who knew washing your hands did amything other than cementing that dab you accidentally touched permanently to your skin?

Wearing a mask is cool cause I love the smell and new humidity of my beard

3. The third cardinal sin of weed smoking, according to Post, is getting rid of something before asking everyone else if they’re also done with it.

4. Don’t slobber all over the bowl or blunt. Wipe your lips, keep it dry.

I’ve literally been staying away from people since at least Bill Clinton

As weed and nicotine are proving to actually be helpful in fighting this disease, all I have to say is to the people who ever told me to quit to...Go fuck yourself!

5. And last, and this is especially important these days, don’t take a hit if you’re feeling sick.

These probably seem like pretty common sense and basic guidelines, but for the newly initiated, knowing what to expect can take some of the social anxiety out of the experience.

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You don’t owe Joe Biden your vote.

Jeff Ward

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Signs as Weed Aries: A Monster Dab

A lot, all at once. Like an Aries, taking a monster dab is either really chill or extremely unchill; either way, it hits you;) Stop yelling and take a dab hit you sex-crazed demon! That way you can get back to being “chill” and “fun”.

Lauren Brenner, contributor Lauren Rantala, illustrations

Cancer: Your Favorite Strain out of Your Favorite Piece

*insert over-attachment to paraphernalia here* Do you love a certain strain so much thinking about it almost makes you cry? Are you still devastated over the tragic loss of your bong, Beaker, (you name all your pieces) in 2017? Find your favorite piece, grab your jammies, and smoke those Cancer tears out in bed, henny!

Libra: Coffee and a Joint

Uppers or downers, how will you ever choose?

Instead of having an indecision-fueled Libra panic attack, porque no los dos? It’s called balance and you crave it, so down that cold brew and spark up that J, because contrary to popular belief, you can have it all!

Capricorn: THC Pill

Zero time for riff-raff? That’s big Capricorn energy, baby. These secret softies hide behind their rock-hard, cynical exterior. The need to be extremely high can not be overstated here. If you get high enough, that cruel sense of humor starts to shine through! It’s also easier to deal with how mind-numbingly stupid everyone else is!

Scorpio: Hash-Infused Preroll

Taurus: A 100mg Edible

Couch, snacks & naps ahead! Taurus is always eating, you cozy fucks. A strong edible is perfect for your lifestyle of sitting, oral sex, video games and doing jack shit.

That dadbod isn’t going to maintain itself!

Leo: The Most Beautiful Nug You’ve Ever Seen

Look at those glorious golden hairs growing off that bud of Jack Herrer, just like your own fabulous Leo mane. You love to see it, and so will your 420,000 instagram followers! #canninfluencer #cannababe #maryjane #hashtagsfornoreason #hash

Could you be any more intense?! We get it, you have many layers! Woah, you’re so mysterious!

Scary and hot, classic Scorpio, I’m so high I’m falling aslee-- wait, are we doing a satanic ritual?

Or having mind-blowing sex rn?! I can’t tell!

Aquarius: Volcano bag

We get it, you’re sooooo unique! Let’s take some massive bags from the volcano and talk Aquarius shit about the revolution, politics, and how closed-minded people are. Also, nice use of the volcano bag to segue into your story about how you climbed Mauna Kea on shrooms and how enlightened it made you.

Sagittarius: A Blunt

Gemini: A Spliff

Because just weed isn’t enough for both of your Gemini personalities. You faux-cultured assholes can’t stop talking about that one time you backpacked through Europe and got into spliffs. At least you can’t talk for the one second it takes you to inhale!

Virgo: A Vape Pen

Practical, on-the-go, constantly getting high in public/ the car/the business meeting/at school. Virgo simply does not have time to deal with incompetence without being max-high! Meticulously vaping, meticulously cleaning, meticulously complaining, 25/8 (420/69?)

Could y’all be any more blunt? Honestly you hurt my feelings a little with your cuttingly accurate words and I am jealous of your fun, travel lifestyle. If I roll you a blunt, will you be my friend? Sagittarius “tip” (not that you’ve ever taken a suggestion in your life): Let your friends hit the blunt BEFORE you start insulting them.

Pisces: Bong Hit

When you need to bong weed straight to the face, this is Pisces style. The water, the drug culture, the highness. Also, if you really want to save the planet, consider filling your bong with your own tears to reduce your carbon footprint!

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Homeland Insecurity: Day 25

Dutch Savage, staff

I awake in the hotel with a pillow wrapped around my head keeping in place a reoccurring case of the European Booger Problem. My first thought this morning is how much I appreciate it when things come full circle, regardless of continual nasal discharge or not. I suddenly remember my dream. I dreamt about a big white wolf listening to the SHAFT soundtrack. I wonder if Captain Kronos probably had at least a little an influence on that one.

Simone and I are up, showered and dressed. Spry in this dawn and in possession of that drive which only inhibits in the earliest hours of your final descent. Shitty hotel coffee in our hands is the most superior cup we have had since arriving in Europe. This is it. This is the last day of our trip.

Following indirect orders from The Agency, we are molding out onto the British streets and sidewalks to simply act as tourists. If the despicable tools on the other side of the espionage front have followed us here to London, today is the day to see that they don’t see us home. We get our stuff together for tomorrow’s return to The States, it is a freeing feeling to not have a clear agenda for once in about a month.

We step outside onto the day and make a couple of left turns until there is a spectacle called The British Museum. I suppose we will start there. It is located but a few city blocks from our current hotel in all of its architectural magnificence. Upon closer arrival the big and ugly Disneyland-style line triggered us significantly so we just keep walking. Fuck no, not today!

Plan B presents itself as The Photographer’s Museum.

That one was very good, inspiring, free and not at all busy.

No one on our trail, sprinkling pieces of Kaplan’s note in a few waste bins there. We begin to feel like real tourists with real lives. Kind of bland, kind of boring. Completely refreshing.

Acting as our latest personas gets easier as you go. We shuffled around and made our way over towards Big Ben, Parliament. The Thames River. Stopped in to see The National Gallery and saw some real Rembrandts, missed the Picassos. On the river Thames we walked over a bridge and headed towards Westminster Bridge for a loop. Checking out Big Ben, Parliament from a different angle. I felt a little like a Griswold but not as bad as when I learned to drive again back in Dublin. I remember some of this stuff from old Benny Hill episodes I had seen as a small child.

We are to have a night to ourselves and Simone has her pretty brown eyes set on Motown the Musical. Tickets are expensive at the Ticket Booth Leicester Square, I put that on the Agency credit card and then onto a British pub.

That was before Thames, before Big Ben, Parliament. Cops with machine guns present themselves in a slightly menacing way, it is more common these days to see this here. Birdcage walk saw pelicans and kids chasing pigeons, pay toilets and more coffee.

Buckingham Palace, whatever.

“More tuh-toos than a drunken say-luh” a drunken man says to Simone on the drunk street. We give him a brief once over and walk on. Definitely not an agent. Teeth too fucked up, even for an agent. Most authentic street drunk.

Revisiting Piccadilly Circus, it is obvious why they would call it a circus.

Piccadilly might be the trigger for the wolf dream last night, it is becoming more clear. The Shaft soundtrack was a premonition of tonight’s activity.

Keep your dreams close, go over the images and feelings throughout the day. Sense will be made if you spend enough time with them. Pretty soon, you might find use of your dreams. Someday, this dream recollection practice could save your life.

Big Red bus shoves us up towards Shaftesbury Theater, home of tonight’s 28

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Matt O’Brien

Motown Musical. Guy working in the ticket booth sold us 70 pound tickets for 40 each. Simone was very happy. Quick food at the PRET, hotel rest and now to get lost towards the theater only a few blocks away. Made it with enough time to get two double Glenfiddich with ice. Motown starts with better seats than where we were a few weeks ago. Music starts, actors sing. Tears rolled down Simone’s face. The actors told the story of Berry Gordy, but forgot to talk about his best movie ‘The Last Dragon’! I bought Simone a souvenir book and when it was over we found our way back to Morgan Hotel without a delay.

We take the stairs and unlock the door and go inside. I will take a shower tonight so tomorrow morning time will be spared.

Tube to airport is predicted to take roughly one hour. We get in bed and don’t turn on the television. We turn off the light and begin our pre-decompression period. Thoughts come in and out as our recent lives flash before our very eyelids.

We go home tomorrow. It feels like we have been gone for six months. Cellphones piss me off. Selfie sticks suck. Pokemon Go to Hell. It’s good to break routines, boring traditions. Some people can’t. Going home will be good, but I am not really looking forward to it that much.

We came to Europe without knowing the trajectory of the mission. We then ran from opposing agents almost everywhere we were sent. Simone and I hid in a silk prison from possible pirates aboard our boat in Galway. I had a freak out from ghosts in the mighty ruins of Carrigafoyle Castle. We were poisoned with much worse coffee in Kilkenny.

Escaped the clutches of The Entity from Edinburgh’s underworld. Investigated a monster along the banks of foggy Loch Ness. I bumped fists with punk legend Keith Morris in Amsterdam. We spent our last night in Europe in Detroit.

But most of all, we found Ron. I have always known that this day would come but I never thought that it actually would. All of our ducks are in a row.

The Agency has our travel mapped out for us as usual, and the latest word from them is that any dangerous pitfalls from enemy agencies are no longer a threat. For the official record, the two of us no longer exist.

What could possibly go wrong?

(To Be Concluded)

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The Problem With Pinecones

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William Toblerone, contributor

When I originally sat down to write, I intended to create a 400-word essay titled “The Problem with Pinecones.” The next thing I knew, the fingers were flying and there I was, writing the pinecone article. I had thought about it a lot over the last twelve minutes, and it was ready to grow wings, build a nest, peck shit with its beak, chew worms and take flight. When it was done, I had finished it.

It goes as follows: Every so often someone will throw a pinecone in a campfire. The group around it will silently wonder if it’s a good idea. No one will say a word, but a few will monitor it. If it pops and shoots embers, someone will say “I knew that was going to happen.” And if one of the embers flies into the pilot’s eyes, someone else will say “Who built this campfire in an airborne helicopter?”

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I’m not going to tell you what my parents do for money, but here’s a little hint: Stop asking me to tell you what my parents do for money if you know what’s good for you.

But I can tell you that they used to be in the pesto business. I would watch the pinecones come into the factory on the conveyor belt. It smelled like Christmas. There were three gorgeous drunken ladies that worked the production line, and they would all smash at the pinecones wildly with metal rods until the nuts were extracted. Then the nuts would be used to make Pine-Sol Chunky, or they would be smashed to make Pine-Sol Smooth.

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There are a lot of people out there who hear the phrase “stop being so PC” and think it means “stop being so PineCone.” I was really shocked when I learned that, but I after I thought about it, those Harvard liberals do seem a bit pine-coney.

I made a great turkey out of a pinecone back in kindergarten. I’m pretty sure I invented it. I remember showing it to my neighbor’s dad when we got off the bus, and in return he showed me a deepfried turkey he had shaped into a pinecone. It was pretty gross looking, and I decided not to eat any of it.

You might be thinking “I guess there’s nothing to be done about the problem with pinecones, so why even bother with it? “ Or you might be saying to yourself “How could just one person help?” Those are just two examples of the many things you might be thinking.

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You’re Breath Stinks

Mike Spiegelman, contributor

If you’re not wearing a mask in public at this point, you must had heard the reasons screamed at you from strangers: masks prevent others from getting sick, masks are mandatory, and you’re a selfish asshole. Have you ever thought that maybe you should at least wear a mask because your breath smells like butt? Must had dawned on you. Time alone while sheltering-in-place has allowed you to smell what we have all been smelling: your breath. Your halitosis levels are higher than your harmful assholeness.

Listen, we wouldn’t say that your breath smells, but people have been asking you to put on a mask before the pandemic.

Scientists recommend you socially distance 12 feet apart.

Roommates ask you to self-quarantine and you’re healthy.

Movie theaters remind you they’re still closed.But seriously, your breath stanks. No one’s in your line at Cosco. Joggers actually put on their masks when they pass you by. Pharmacists prescribe you HydroxychloroquListerine.

Your breath is so unpopular, Trump has higher ratings. Friends gifted you a mask custom-made from breath strips.

Coworkers smell you at a Zoom conference. Malls plan to reopen but close when you arrive. Health officials tell you, “But, on the plus side, you will experience shortness of breath.”

Your breath is so bad, Netflix asked you to binge watch their shows in a separate room. Take-out orders offer curb-side service a block from the restaurant. Trump rallies reschedule when you order tickets. Doctors refer to your breath as COVID-19, Part 2.

So wear a mask, you selfish asshole.

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Funny Jokes For Potheads

Cornell Reid, staff

If there’s one thing we know it’s that it’s hard for potheads to laugh. They find it incredibly difficult to find the humor in any situation. They live their dreary lives toking up and filling themselves with misery. You can tell when someone is too high by their inability to laugh, crack up or even smile. Most people think that this is because the stoner’s sense of humor is too sophisticated for that of the clear thinking individual, however the scientists at Savage Henry Labs have discovered that that is not actually the case. Stoners can laugh, you just have to make jokes that cater to their brain patterns. So here are some scientifically developed jokes that are sure to make a stoner laugh.

Q: How many bongs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Rick and Morty An indica and a sativa walk into the bar and the bartender says “Rick and Morty” Q: What did the polish grandmother say when her grandson came to the table for breakfast?

A: Dabs Q: Why did the water hash cross the road?

A: Pickle Rick Q: Why did the student eat his homework?

A: He was super baked and had the munchies dude!!!

Q: What makes terrible sounds every time you touch it?

A: Your bongo drum.

Q: What has ears but cannot hear?

A: 311 is fucking awesome.

Remember the Hangover guy that had the baby on his chest? Haha!

Q: What is brown, hairy and covered in nacho cheese?

A: Your dab nail Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: Give it some fat bongloads and order it a big ass pizza!

Scooby Doo was a dope ass dog, dude! I’d hang out with that dog.

Q: What do you get when you cross a dreadlock with a dirty fingernail?

A: Rick and Morty

Q: What if Harry Potter smoked weed?

A: That’d be tight!

Q: What do you take and take from but never goes away?

A: Your trust fund.

Aliens exist dude. We all know it. They probably blaze too. They probably have like a space bong or something.

Ok by this time your pothead is probably crying from laughter. It’s nice to see a stoner laughing for once. Keep these jokes handy for the next time your fellow weed addict is seeming down and you will be sure to turn that frown all the way around.

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Breathing is Overrated

10 Tips for Working WITH Climate Change:

(Because, apparently, that’s what we’re doing instead of actively fighting it with science).

Jane Malone, contributor

It’s Harvest time, again. So, of course, the harvest is on fire! Here are my top ten tips for making it through this autumn without breathing! Don’t worry if your state isn’t currently en flambé. Climate change comes for us all, and these tips work in any scenario where breathing is dicey.

1. So, now that you’re the proud owner of an N-95 mask, it’s time to start wearing it everywhere! On the couch? Wear your mask! On the toilet? MASK!!! During sex? We know you’ve already been doing this one!

2. Have you considered breathing through a relative not currently affected by the wildfires? The USPS has a prepaid first-class box that’ll hold both your lungs for only $21.95!

3. Maybe you should just hold it. Like a female’s period, you can just hold your breath in until the air clears. It’s no big deal, it’ll be over by mid-November, via Weather Channel projections and my Magic 8-Ball TM. 4. Load a fat bowl and fight fire with fire. Or, in this case, smoke with Smoke. Who needs lungs anyway? This is, like, what we’ve been training for, man.

5. Could you just die? It would really help “The Economy.” Thank yoooooooou!

Smooches!!! Love you, bitch, mean it, BIBLE. 6. Develop some gills. Let’s work on getting our oxygen from water! It’s not the most energy efficient way to get oxygen, to be fair, but beggars can’t be choosers! Especially when it comes to evolution, and, secretly, haven’t we all wanted to become merpeople? I know I’ve always had a secret hankering to lure men to their watery deaths, though admittedly, that could just be personal preference.

7. It’s too early in the timeline for Spaceballs’ brand Perri-air, but you can purchase bag after bag of potato chips.

They’re basically bagged air, anyway, you can get them cheaply, AND they flavor your inhale with nacho cheese and salt n’ vinegar. It smells reminiscent of living in a frat house without having to main-line penicillin!

8. Seriously, don’t even worry about breathing, anyway. It’s so completely last-season.

These days, all the hot, young people are developing stomata – you know, like leaves.

It’s super green. You probably haven’t heard of it yet. It’s that fresh.

9. If you’re Antifa, this isn’t even a problem! My kids are just hanging out in my gear, full chem masks and vests. We’ve broken out the poker cards, and playing for cigarettes has really completed the “combat zone” aesthetic of our living room.

10. Be the envy of all your neighbors by buying a large sea fearing craft and making for Hawaii! It’s not currently on fire (honestly, who knows by the time this goes to press?!), and the poke is TO. DIE. FOR. ALSO, I know it’s a side-issue, BUT - a bikini looks great with a mask. It’s like a theme for your whole body!

Good luck to everyone out there! Once the smoke has cleared, and the sky is blue, remember: there’s still a deadly pandemic at large, so wash your hands and wear a mask! One day, we’ll all look back and laugh at our fun times in the early-apocalypse! Well... those of us that survive will!

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Can We Get Out of the Bakery

Chris Durant, staff

MORE! Quarantine Merit Badges

Jane Malone, contributor

First growers and gentecists ran through the Citrus family with Grapefruit Kush and Kumquat OG and the like to name their newly concocted strains. Now they just can’t seem to get out of the bakery. Wedding Cake and Cookies and Baklava. I saw a Breadstick Diesel in a dispensary the other day. Let’s move on to a different topic to co-op its names for weed product names.

Fish Bracuda Afghani or Pirahna Cake Tools Handsaw OG or Vice Grip

Sports Equipment Baseball Bat Stick or Hockey Mask Kush

Presidents Taft-ica or Nixon-tiva

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5 Ways Money Ruins Weed

Seth Milstein, contributor

Well, it’s harvest season again which means that our stoney farmer friends will be breaking off some of their headiest nugs from their latest strains. Ugh, as much as I love pot, the culture surrounding it has become laughable and usually not in a good way. The problem isn’t actually weed or it’s users. The problem is the marketing. Let’s face it, harvest is just Black Friday for the marijuana industry. Obviously growers should be compensated for their efforts but it always reminds me of how tainted weed culture has become by the marketing surrounding it. I generally hate money and hope that humanity can eventually evolve beyond it but that utopian dream is not likely in my lifetime so I might as well complain about it. Money ruins everything most of the time but it especially irks me when it ruins things that it doesn’t need to. If there weren’t weedcentric products, people would still smoke weed! So, here are some other ways money has ruined weed…

1. Stores- Fuck a dispensary. Don’t get me wrong, they’re incredibly convenient (until the state mandated closing time). It’s great to have a selection of premium quality strains doled out in perfectly weighed quantities by a bud-tender who shows up to work as high as you’re paying them to get you but the sterility of that experience is generally soul crushing. I’m sentimental for the days of using codewords on the phone. I miss having your close friend make you hang out and watch two episodes of Mr. Show with them so it won’t look suspicious that you stopped by for the exact amount of time it takes to weigh an eighth of brown brick weed on a bent hand scale hanging off of the edge of a coffee table from a pencil pinned under a text book. Can I just pay the dispensary an extra few bucks to meet me in the alley behind the building? Maybe they could offer a punch card where every tenth purchase they sell you some grass clippings and then run away?

2. Dollar Bills- Some people roll joints using dollar bills. I can’t think of much that turns my stomach more than watching some shady monster who never learned to roll a proper jazz cigarette dragging their slobbery tongue across a Zig-Zag pressed up against a dirty ducket wrapped around some herb that I’m supposed to smoke as part of some outdated pre-demic social contract. Go fuck yourself!

Thank Covid that we now have an out to decline smoking with filthy randos. Now we can just bump elbows like barely evolved roosters and be on our way. This is the most literal example of money… dirty, dirty money physically ruining weed. Also, learn how to roll a joint!

It’s an all time pot classic and it’s not that difficult! Fuck a buck!

3. Music- I’ll never forget getting into a friend’s car somewhere in the early two thousands and with seeming pride at a new auditory discovery, he played me the first Kottonmouth Kings album. They named their group after one of the worst side effects of the thing they love. Hey gang, let’s start a band to appeal to cigarette smokers and call it “The Cancer Crew” or “The Bad Breath Boys”. Dumb. There’s nothing artistic or cool about music strictly designed to capitalize on a subculture with little to no substance. Not to say that pot hasn’t influenced great musicians but there are always bands that pop up just to cash in. Kottonmouth Kings showed up to lighten the pockets of suburban white kids who got high but were too scared to listen to real rap and too bored by real reggae the same way Jimmy Buffet does to middle age computer programmers who like to wear sandals on the weekend. And I’m sure they’re just dudes who wrote songs about things they were passionate about but then they were packaged and sold to us on Smokin’ Grooves Tour and Margaritaville Cruises and in Hot Topics and themed chain restaurants across the country.

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4. Movies- Ok, this ones little tricky. I know some weed movies are considered classics but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are good. Yes, a couple of Cheech and Chong flicks are fun to watch but they made more than a couple. Try sitting through The Corsican Brothers and tell me that they didn’t overstay their welcome in cinema. For every Pineapple Express (which is also a bad movie but stoners seem to love it so I reluctantly use it as an example of “good”) there is a Your Highness (if you’re about to defend Your Highness, stop reading, tightly roll this magazine, and jam it into your eye until Harold & Kumar escort you to the White Castle in the sky) waiting right around the corner. The problem with most stoner movies is that they assume that their audience are all morons with Dorito dust caked on their fingertips when the truth is that’s only half of us. The aforementioned Harold & Kumar are the perfect example of everything I’m talking about. They made three full movies that are each one and a half hour long commercials for one of the worst fast food chains in the world. There was literally a board meeting where an executive convinced his colleagues that their product was so bad that the only people who would eat it had to be high. Healthy people get high too! Some people get high and eat bananas, I’ve seen them do it. It’s super weird… and hilarious because bananas look like wieners.

Matt O’Brien

5. Clothing- Oh God, the clothing. From tiedyed anything to hemp jewelry, weed capitalism has done a number on fashion without a doubt.

I can’t tell you how many dummies I’ve seen walking into Saturday detention proud as fuck that they got there by wearing a shirt or hat (let’s face it, most likely a beanie) with a pot leaf on it. That’s nothing to be proud of especially when the real crime was buying it to begin with.

There are entire clothing companies that cater to weed smokers. It has permeated every level of fashion. Remember when Woody Harrelson wore that dumb hemp tux to the Golden Globes? Most of it however can be found on the rack at Spencer Gifts, where high people shop. I’ll admit that I go in there anytime I’m in the mall. Mostly to touch that lightening ball thing and see what’s new in fart merch but anytime I find something there that I actually consider buying, I remember that I’m a fucking grown up, and I leave the store with my head down and head straight across to Wetzel’s Pretzels to let the chewy salty goodness turn my Spencer’s shame into a more palatable shame that I can literally swallow. I will admit that I did end up with a Spencer’s brand shirt from a White Elephant gift exchange that reads “Smoke Pot, Eat Twat, Smile a lot”. Hands down one of the most ridiculous shirts that has ever been printed and as much as I hate it’s existence, I haven’t gotten rid of it. Now, have I worn it? Yes but only because I’m a ridiculous person.

I’m not saying everything related to weed is bad or completely tasteless but you don’t need to listen to Hits From the Bong to take a hit from a bong. You don’t need to watch it or wear it. Just enjoy it.

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What to Listen to When Stoned

Cornell Reid, staff

So you’ve decided to smoke on some ganj and you really want to enjoy it. Sounds easy, right? Well you would be surprised just how hard enjoying being high can be sometimes. If the vibe is not right then your high is not tight. So let’s help you set the mood before you blast off with some amazing music you can listen to once you get properly screwed up on the chronic. If you’re looking for good tunes then look no further than these amazing artists.

Feely Dan: Their music is a little too hands on but overall they got some good grooves that you can feel coming up behind you to smell your neck.

Jizzy Gillespie: If you love Jazz then you’ll love the sound of Jizzy Gillespie. It’s all about the ropes he didn’t spray!

Carlos Antenna: This guy’s sound is smooth! As long as you can get him on the window positioned just right. Maybe wrap some aluminum foil around him for a better sound.

Puke Ellingtom: Throw your hands up in the air as well as those rancid hot dogs you had for dinner for the sound of the one and only Puke Ellington!

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Kylie Jenner Skynyrd: Make sure to listen to this band’s hit song “Sweet Home Calabasas.”

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Credence Bongwater Revival: These guys got some funky stinky swamp rock! Just make sure you don’t spill them on your carpet.

And Many More 46

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Things That Are Better VS Things That Are Not Better When You’re High Alec Cole, contributor Let me preface this by explaining that for the past couple of months I have been recovering from mercury poisoning, so if this isn’t very good or funny, its because I’m not a good comedian and I have no excuse for that.

Also, Chris Durant asked me yesterday if I was going to submit anything for this issue and—as my therapist is already well aware—I am not good at saying “No”. So, without any further adieu, here is my masterpiece.

Things That Are Better When You’re High Watching Gumby On Mute: I’ve done acid and shrooms, and I’ve watched people do cocaine, so I know what it means to party. Something that a lot of people don’t realize about Gumby, is that his sidekick is a horse. Only after smoking some of Humboldt’s finest was I able to make that connection, and it changed my fucking life.

Vision Boarding: Imagine planning for your future, while feeling like you can actually see the future. That’s not what this feels like, but its still pretty dope. Also, if you use cutouts from old Playboys, your future looks sexy as hell.

House Hunters: Dude, they get a house at the end! Every time! Sometimes the house looks dumb as fuck or it’s in like Kansas, but it’s still a house and that’s pretty cool..

ABBA: Whether its the intro to “Gimmie Gimme Gimme” or the peak of “The Winner Takes It All”, there isn’t a single ABBA song that doesn’t sound better when you’re hitting well-rolled Backwood. They might not be good at reaching herd immunity, but those Swedes sure can make some disco records.

Petting A Cat: Some cats are dicks, but some are pretty chill. Also, they have soft fur and you have to pet them lightly, which helps keep you chill too. I would recommend a nice tabby if you have the option.

Things That Aren’t Better When You’re High Crying: Just don’t. It’s just the weirdest feeling because at some point you’ll probably think of something really dumb and start laughing, but then you have to remind yourself to go back to crying. Would not recommend.

Reading: Dude, it took me three and a half hours to read the first 10 pages of The Old Man and the Sea. Most of the words are just “and”!

Porno: This is especially not a good thing if you’re the type of stoner who likes to intellectualize shit. You do not want to get stuck in a spiral of trying to figure out why everyone wants to fuck their step-brother or step-sister. Also, you start to look in the background and realize that people live in that house. And they’re just in there getting juices all over the damn place.

Watching A Dog Stare Off Into An Empty Corner: This is by far one of the worst things you can do while high. Like, what is the dog staring at? Is it ghosts? They can’t tell you! They’re just a dog! But they definitely know some shit, and that’s why this is very not chill.

Songs With Police Sirens In Them: Seriously, fuck whoever keeps doing this shit! You know who you are and this isn’t funny anymore. Also, it’s never like a good song that does that, so just…no.

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Why is Weed Still Illegal in ...

staff

Weed is completely illegal still in 6 states. Idaho, Wyoming, Kansas, Tennessee, Alabama and South Carolina. Maybe here’s why: Cows love grass, those places must not have any cows.

Those are the states where it is still legal to huff gasoline in a whorehouse so weed is too tame.

Because the prison industrial complex makes more on incarceration in those states than the counties would on taxing the legal product.

Because land doesn’t vote, but if it could, it would smoke weed.

Ever since they formed WAITS, K? they set themselves up for delays.

South Carolina needs something to differentiate itself from North Carolina.

Those are also the states with the lowest rates of fatal weed overdose.

What better way to encourage your citizens to travel?

Those are the states where Oregano Doug has fooled everyone into thinking weed sucks.

Because Weed Dealers vote in those states

Do they look like they have extra time on their hands for law changin'? Get real.

They like there stance on being unenlightened?

The ballot measures keep saying “wacky tobacky” so nobody takes it seriously.

Big Meth owns those states.

They're getting too high on the fumes of watching the paint dry.

They're still trying to learn to roll joints

They're Karens?

Getting high makes you think you are above fucking your cousin and limiting the gene puddle

Not only do they not allow weed, but Idaho and South Carolina have laws that make blowjobs illegal.

Them govenors be hoggin'

Trump grabbed their moms' pussy

They're waiting for the release of diet weed.

Cause Wyoming and Kansas are squares, literally.

Cowboys can't roll joints.

Spice is legal, and isn't that pretty much the same?

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They don't know how to spell Marijuana. They're too embarrassed about it so they prevent it from becoming legal.

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Safe Ways To Pass The Dutchie

Chaz Logan Hyde, contributor

Everybody likes weed right? What the fuck are you reading this magazine for if you dont/If you don’t and you found this, I’m sorry, cause I’m about to talk all up on it. Aight? I do this pretty often, but Chris sent me for a trip when he said we needed to cover all the basis on this topic specifically. He was really hard pressed so I took my place about it, cause I have complete composure and I don’t make impulsive decisions..

R.I.P. Chris Durant (not true) Musical Youth fucked everything up in the early 80’s. They ruined the stock market. They made concrete into liquid and ruined buildings. They bought a bunch of jet skis and just left them where they landed them. They bought a bunch of CD copies of shit you like and broke it. But maaaaaaaan.. Then they went as far as to promote passing MARIJUANA around and boy, these days safe practices need to be in place at the very least. So here we go: Step One: Don’t go to your friend’s house.

Step Two: DON’T go to your friend’s house.

Step Three: Figure out the obvious reason why Musical Youth “Needs Food.”

Step Four: Buy that kid guitar lessons.

Step Five: Look into Europian politics (good job guys!)

Step Sic: Go ahead and put your hazmat suit on, you’re already high so this may take a minuite. One sleave at a time now, no hurry, you got all night...

Step Seven: Well, you ripped the suit, and your friend is totally outside right now... oh yeah!! Duct tape!!

Step Eight: Walk downstairs... this is difficult.

Step Nine: present the Dutchie to your equally cautious friend who is also wearing a hazmat suit. You notice he’s still rocking his pins and you roll your eyes about it. He doesn’t see it cause, duh.

Step Ten: You both watch the Dutchie burn to completion on the concrete..

In conclusion there is no safe way to pass the Dutchie in this time. May you all burn in Hell.. Closing arguments Musical Youth???

“Bum,debedlybumbumbumbumbedlyb umbumbumbumbedlybumbumbum” ~Musical Youth Seriously though, how does it feel when you got no food?

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*ed note: finally!

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Toons by Tobes

William Toblerone, contributor

@singleinhumboldt 56

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Smoking Weed For the First Time in 33 Years Jacqui Pirl, staff In spite of living in Hawaii for 33 years, I didn’t smoke weed. It was around me all the time, but I was raising three kids, on the school board and just otherwise a model law-abiding citizen. I also grew up in an era that was pre-D.A.R.E. The era of, “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.” (Cut to sizzling egg) Fast forward a few years and I’m living in California and it’s legal. I go to Vegas, for New Year’s, with a bunch of broke bearded 25-year-old potheads that still live in their parent’s basement. You know— comics. We did comedy in casinos and strip clubs.

We did comedy on the strip. The MMA fighters were in town. You know who those guys are? The fighter dudes? Yeah, I had no idea either. The Wayans Brothers were in town! I love Shaun and Marlon!

One day they (the broke bearded 25-year-old potheads that still live in their parent’s basement)

“You Can’t Go Wrong Finishing Off with Peruvian Gold” – Jess

wake me up at the crack of dawn, which is basically 2:00 in the afternoon for comics and they’re all, do you want to go see Wayans? And I’m hell yeah. I want to see the Wayans.

We get in the car to go and they start passing around a joint. And then a blunt and I’m in the back a small car getting contact high. We get to the Team Mobile arena and they’re all, “you wanna get high? And I was like, shit, I think I am already high, Fuck it, let’s go! I’m in Las Vegas. I’m a grown ass woman. And it’s legal. And so I get so high. Like the kind of high where you need a Ouija board to talk to the people around you. The kind of high where all you can do is look at that electronic marvel in your hand and think, “Wow, my phone has so many buttons.”

So we get inside the Team Mobile arena and it’s huge and it’s pink (which is my color) and all these bright lights and advertising—this is Vegas after all. And there are so many people. So many people. And I’m thinking, “Wow, Shaun and Marlon are doing well.

As we get to our seats, which are way, way, way up in the nosebleed section, I see Joe Rogan come on stage. Joe Fucking Rogan. Part of my brain thinks okay, he’s comedian that makes sense. He’s hosting the show. But high Jacqui thinks, Oh shit. Fear Factor’s back and these guys are punking me.

Then, as I’m getting my brain around that, the bikini models come out on stage. Yeah. I know.

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Bikini models. And I’m thinking okay, they’re pretty, but what a weird way to start a comedy show.

Then these super hot half-naked Mexican dudes come out, all tatted up and wearing surf trunks.

Like holy dick print surf shorts and I’m thinking, I don’t remember Shaun and Marlon being Mexican.

Nothing was adding up in my high-for-the-first-time-in-three-decade’s brain. So I turned to my friends next to me, who were already laughing hysterically at how high I was, and just said, “Where the hell are we? Where are The Wayans Brothers?”

What I’m trying to say is that it took high ass, Jacqui 25 minutes to realize these guys had not taken me to a Wayans brothers show, they had taken me to the MMA weigh-ins. I was at the MMA Weigh-ins.

I do not remember a thing about the rest of the show because we were all laughing so I hard we were crying. I couldn’t see through the tears in my eyes. It was the funniest comedy-of-errors show, I’ve ever been to.

Matt O’Brien

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Ben’s 10

Ben´s 10 Volume CVII: Song You Didn’t Know Were About Smoking Lazer

Ben Allen, music editor Iron Maiden “Aces High” The British band has had a loyal, but lazy Roadie named Ace in their service since 1984. Dude is constantly toking up and being unproductive, inspiring the now classic track “Ace´s High.”

Deep Purple “Smoke on the Water” Deep Purple were early proponents of smoking out of a bong. While in a haze of Quaaludes, weed and whiskey, they’d often focus on the smoke resting above the water before clearing the chamber. Very inspirational.

Lynyrd Skynyrd “That Smell” If you thought “That Smell,” referred to the smell of death, you are sadly mistaken. Skynyrd’s manager would frequently complain about the smell of grass emanating from the band’s dressing room pre-show.

Kasey Spoon

The Beatles “Octopus’s Garden” Ringo had a friend / dealer that went by the name of “Octopus.” The guy had property and about 500 plants and would frequently give Ringo a tour of his garden when he arrived to purchase his fine indica.

Blondie “The Tide is High” Nobody knew what the hell Debbie Harry was talking about when she wrote the lyrics to “The Tide is High.” At first, they assumed she was speaking about the natural increase and decrease of tidal levels based on the cycles of the moon. However, she kept rambling about tidal movement and “how they’re just like weed, man.”

John Denver “Rocky Mountain High” John Denver always seemed very innocent, but dude was a huge stoner.

REPAIRS AND PARTS ON:

Dave Matthews “My House Plant” Like many of Matthew’s songs “My House Plant” is barely average adult-contemporary garbage. When pressed about the meaning of the lyrics, Matthews admitted that the track is really about his Purple Kush plant.

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Iron Maiden “Holy Smoke” The band was able to procure some of the finest grass ever, and deemed it a gift from God himself.

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John Lennon “Grow Old with Me” While on the surface, “Grow Old with Me” may have come off as a sweet ballad Lennon wrote to Yoko, he was actually singing about growing some danky, sticky-icky!

Cat Stevens “Tea for the Tillerman” In the 60’s it was common to call your herb “tea,” and Stevens was known for having some of the best around.

No one knows who the hell the “Tillerman” is though, and why Stevens was gifting so much of his pot to him. www.savagehenrymagazine

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Carly Paradis “Nothing Is Something” Tommy Lucero, contributor

Proud Spo nsor of the Savage He n Comedy Fe ry tstival

One of my favorite movie genres are period pieces, they transport you to another time where things were so different and frightening, especially when coupled with psilocybin.

This scenario is very much what my experience was with the album by Carly Paradis, “Nothing Is Something” as it had such heavy emotion that I’m sure the walls would melt on just that alone. This album has had my emotions run the gamut from great heights of elation to the utter depths of hopelessness, I’m quite simply in awe of such musicianship and imagination.

With that said, if not for a transcendent journey through the spirit world, then a second listen with different ears, this album easily qualifies as something I’d listen to if I were having a Game of Thrones or otherwise medieval themed party.Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR! Rating: 4 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Mint Julep Stray Fantasies Cory Barringer, contributor At its best, electro-pop defies a time stamp. It seems to exist in a parallel dimension where dreamy teens bop around praising love or lamenting the lack thereof. Though not strictly a place for the young and naive, proven

by Hollie and Keith Kenniff under the moniker Mint Julep. Weaving rich synth textures with beautifully earnest vocals atop simple but effective beats, their newest release Stray Fantasies takes the listener to a hazy and thoughtful space.

The overall mood can be tough to pin down, and I love that. At times there is a desperate, pleading quality to the melodies. At others there is a solemn resolve, as if accepting a reality that’s out of the singer’s control. Perfect to project whatever feelings you want upon it, which is helped by the often-indecipherable vocals, a style I typically tune out of but in this case feels very appropriate.

Rating: 11 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

Howlin Rain Under the Wheels: Live From the Coasts, Vol. 2 Spencer Devine, contributo

F A M I L Y

O W N E D

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O P E R A T E D

S I N C E

2 0 1 0

HUGE SE LECT I ON OF LOCAL , O RGA N I C P RO D U C T S

Under the Wheels begins with an entirely instrumental track titled “Firefly Drone.” This worried me. Normally a purely instrumental album bores my pants off, and I love my pants.

Listeners rejoice, there are vocals, and they´re golden. Phew. I was pleasantly surprised when I started getting into the album. Lead vocalist Ethan Miller has got solid, almost 80’s hair-metal pipes, which can make or break a band very quickly.

I dig this album’s vibe, it reminds me a lot of an offshoot of the Dead, with catchy melodies and a feel like a hayride through space. The loose, wild feel of Howlin Rain’s live show is expertly captured in these six tracks. Albums cuts are given the psilocybin-exploratory treatment, with glorious results. Even when it does slip into meandering instrumental bits, they’re not horribly obtrusive or as numbingly boring as is often the case.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed?

Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

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Cross Joint Word Name:

Stoners of the Year High Times' Stoners of the Years over the years 1 2 3 4

5

6

7

8

9

10 11

12

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Created using the Crossword Maker on TheTeachersCorner.net

Across 2. Half of the legendary duo 4. Scary Movie star 6. James Franco's friend 7. First Hispanic cast member of SNL 8. Not a real dog 9. Bow wow wow, yippee yo yippee yay 11. E.T.'s little sister 12. Shannon McBain on One Life to Live 13. Nobody beats him

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Down 1. Super High Me 3. Seth Rogen's friend 5. World's highest paid actress in 2010 and 2012 8. Venkman 10. Guy who held the radio over his head

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Jeff Ward 72

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Author

Jeff Ward

Insert Title Here

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Monkeys Mushroom achines.

Made the M burn - South Au

"Use drugs to lick the universe's butthole."

This guys like a Jimminy Cricket I can get drunk with.

-south auburn r Why is you all? m s tajiń so t “So it can fi g in d in your ri r” ie s p ac k e a rn u b u North A

Trash deserves to be loved too, just not by you son.

25 half cheese and half meatball pizzas delivered up your ass.

- Colfax, CA

- not known

I fucked a hoe and I'm not worried about it.

OUT CHER!!!!”

"You can toss a salad at the Cider bar??"

EavesDroppings - the Cider Bar in EKa "My kids hea

r nice things from me too . . . Only a few times when I was DRUNK, I had to apologize."

- Colfax, CA

"I got two tortillas and a microphone" -the goat

"I don't know my address but I can type it in your phone for you"

"that glass butt plug has more followers than I do" -The Coast "So a time travelling hipster invented hotdogs?" -some ra ndom house in arca ta

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- The Shanty

Tahoe

- drunk woman going into the taxi “I had a really interes ting thought about galactic polit ics...” , don't you girls do t. r e v te a - The Shanty h W a fa your vagin go making ent (a - the basem rcata) A in t restauran "I felt fine, until the champage."

- elevator in the Silver Legacy Casino

“DONT TALK SHIT AB

ohmygod i am so stoked remember i found a hundred dollars in my yoga pants - satori dispensary parking lot

“My standards are wayyy down here right now” - Buzzed Girls at the Alibi scrolling through their Tinder

“I went to fetish nig ht last night and go t spanked so my ass is blue and purple. It’ s like a couple of berri es.” - The Shanty

"It was great when when I was getting head, but then out of nowhere she started licking my ass" "Dude, that's how pink eye happens."

- Heard in sideline

“The Chinese food in good.”

Scotland was RE ALLY - The Shanty

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 415 5th Street - Eureka CA 95501. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

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Tattoos of the Month

Ailment of the Month

next Issue:

The Mulligan Issue

2020 Sucked So Bad, Let’s try it again

Chronic Cough No, not that Chronic...but the kind of cough that just won’t stop.

Nowadays it’s the kind of cough that can get you thrown out of a Costco.

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Do over Restart Send your Contributions to: submit@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 415 5th St. Eureka, CA 95501 www.savagehenrymagazine

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