Issue #108 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

tune my fiddle....and hold my beer

#108

Magazine

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

editor@savagehenrymagazine.com COVER ARTIST | Eric Goodman SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera CONTRIBUTORS Seth Milstein, Matt Redbeard, Stephanie Knowles, Mike Spiegelmanl, Sean Green, Saul Trujillo, Connor Martin, Aaron Kronman, Aaron Richter, Scott Simpson, Jeff Ward , Jane Malone, Eric Fitzgerald, Calista LaBolle. Joe Deschaine, Jacqui Pirl, William Toblerone, Jason Merritt

These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Hello from the bunker. Our headquarters/comedy club has become my residence during the pandemic. Not bragging. This sucks. This is not how I pictured winning “most time spent in a comedy club”. We haven’t been able to open inside since March 12 and this, in your grubby little hands, is the first physical issue we’ve been able to get on the streets since Januray. But we percevere. We’ve started doing some drive in shows behind the comedy club, we got this issue coming out and the 9th Annual Savage Henry Comedy Festival is on for 10/5-10/11 (details to come). Enough about our dumb asses..... how are you? For real? You doing OK? We really hope so, and we don’t say it nearly enough but thanks for being the eyes on the other end of this. If this magazine gives you any kind of break from ceaseless chaos, well that is just humbling for us over here. Thank you. Please enjoy.

On The Cover

Ray Flynn - Grass Valley, Nevada City... Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above Savage Henry has been in print since 2010, founded by Chris Durant, Sarah Godlin, Monica Durant, and Josh Duke

Eric Goodman Sacramento “Sorry I’m so short”

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g n i n r a w l a t n e r Pa Since your living room is also now first, third and sixth grade classrooms you may not want to leave this magazine lying around. Or before you know it, you’ll be the one going to school.

Table of Contents Letters to the Editors............................................................... 11 Positive Side of Social Distancing....................................... 13 8 Really Dumb Uses for Hoarded Toilet Paper.................. 15 Scumbag Alley............................................................................. 17 Go Viral........................................................................................... 19 The Apple Doesn’t Fall From The Tree.................................21 2020 Headlines So Far.............................................................23 Redbear Ruminations................................................................25 Review of Running the Light...................................................27 Eric Know How To Read.............................................................29 Snake Flags!.................................................................................32 2020 Top COVID Playlost........................................................35 Quarantine Merit Badges........................................................ 41 16 Things That Are Exactly 6 Feet Long............................ 47 Home Birth: QuaranTorts.......................................................... 49 Home Sweet Home.................................................................... 51 Amusement Park Reopens with New Rules......................55 Homeland Insecurity.................................................................57 Ben’s 10.........................................................................................63 Music Reviews.............................................................................65 Skullface........................................................................................ 71 10 Businesses that don’t work Curbsude........................73 What Would’ve Been Cooler.................................................75 Eavesdroppings..........................................................................77 www.savagehenrymagazine

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Richard Bain 1982 - 2020 This world is a lot less funny

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Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

It's 2032. Tekashi6ix9ine is the republican president after winning in a landslide against his democratic opponent Seth Rogan. The United States is a barren wasteland marred by the devastation known as the Amazon Alexa wars. Elon Musk's clone/cyborg army (of himself) was victorious in the end, but not without wreaking great havoc on rural America with overzealous firepower and erroneous Fortnite dances, which are programmed as an Easter Egg for some reason. China has merged into a hive-mind entity and its citizens begin tunneling into the Earth like ants in search of jewels and new ways to pollute the planet. Jesus Christ showed up in 2028 and raptured a couple dozen people in Tibet before diddy-bopping back into the cosmos. Nobody noticed because everyone is sunburnt and

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pissed off. Scientists, rather than trying to find a solution to the mess humanity is in, bring the dinosaurs back and they ravage most of the Middle East and India. Putin is still in power over in Russia, aided by stolen Google technology to prolong his life. Russia sucks so badly that everyone moved to Siberia, which by now is actually pretty nice. Mexico sank into the ocean and everyone who lived there moved to Texas. The Texans, unhappy with recent developments, tried to fight off the Mexicans and got their asses kicked back to Oklahoma. Everyone forgot about the Alamo. The entire continent of Africa unified into a single country and they're doing very well, which makes the rest of the world very unhappy. All the weird dead saints in the European churches came back to life, so they have that to deal with. Australia is doing Mad Max 3 by now. . Tupac just came out with a new album (bluegrass actually) and that's kind of getting everyone through. Obama hosts America's Funniest Home videos and it's the number one show around the world. Joe Rogan is hosting InfoWars and selling Soylent Green. Cutting back more and more rainforests in South America unleashed Mictlantecuhtli, the

Aztec God of Death, but he's actually pretty cool and just wants some fruit or something. There is no toilet paper. NASA's probes discovered a meth lab on Mars. Disney acquired the rights to the Kardashians and features them in a new attraction in their newly constructed South Dakota Magic Kingdom. At night, they are powered down and stored with the other animatronics. As the last oil wells run dry, extraterrestrials finally touch down on the Earth and destroy the Vatican with that big laser from Independence Day. On New Years Eve, Satan rises from the Mariana Trench and puts on a badass show with all the dead rock stars. Dick Clark is the host. 2033 rolls in and George R.R. Martin still hasn't finished the Song of Ice and Fire series. Rap Metal makes an unprecedented major comeback. Fred Durst announces his bid to run in the Democratic Primary. Things are looking like they might turn around, after all. James Herer- Eugene, Oregon

Send your comments, attitudes, props or r@ whatever else to edito om e.c zin ga savagehenryma stcard Or the address on the po All . too below will work me. perspectives are welco

T BACK. SAVAGE HENRY DOES IT OU shows. We’re talking about drive-in

We take pride in hosting space for comedy in Humboldt County. Until we can safely re-open the doors of the club in Eureka, we are pushing to find new new ways to work within the new new: drive-in open-mics, we are holding online events on Zoom, Instagram, and Facebook. Savage Henry ain’t quittin’ no matter the situation, but not gonna lie in a small place with a tiny crew we get by with help from our friends for sure. Please consider supporting our Coronapocalypse GoFundMe page. Search Savage Henry, you’ll find it. It’s to help us cover the bases while we reconfigure.. In the meantime enjoy this digital issue. We’ll see you back on the streets with Issue #108 and can’t wait to see folks back in the club as soon as it’s safe. 12

#thievessuck & thieves that leave their tags on the wall and try to cash stolen checks at the local bank are fucking stupid too.

The Positive Side of Social Distancing

Cornell Reid, staff

Look this quarantine thing stinks. We’d all love to be at an ICP concert right now knee deep in mud grinding our sweaty flabby bodies against each other drunk on mad dog 2020 covering the other in our various body fluids/ odors and getting Faygo sprayed on our heads. But unfortunately we can’t be reliving our mom’s bachelorette party right now. Instead we have to socially distance ourselves and stay far apart from everyone. But hey it’s not all bad. There are some positive sides to this whole thing. So to inspire you, dear readers, I decided I’d write about some of the better things to come out of this quarantine.

You don’t have to French dad anymore!

Why did dad always make you french him before bed anyway? You don’t even live with him anymore but every night you had to drive to his house and french kiss him asleep. I mean it seemed to make sense when you were a kid but these days it just doesn’t make too much sense anymore.

People are now excited by your voyeurism

Someone peeking through the curtains? Yes please! People haven’t seen a pair of human eyes in weeks and with the safety of a window and some blinds between you and them you both get to enjoy a nice friendly social interaction even if they’re on the toilet!

You don’t eat out as much

Eating out is fun to do but it’s easy to do too much which costs a lot of money and is very unhealthy. Now you cook all your meals at home so instead of eating unhealthy meals like a cheeseburger and fries you're eating a sensible wet cat food salad sandwich with some hot pockets on the side. Hello weight loss!

The masks hide some but not all of your adult acne

Hey, you can’t hide it all with just one mask but it’s better than nothing! Sure, after 15 minutes outside the mask begins to get a bit translucent thanks to all the face grease but for those 15 minutes you’ll feel like a slightly more pockmarked George Clooney.

You only have to wash your hands after you go outside not after you poop

The worst part about going poop is having to wash your hands afterwards but now you don’t! Everyone knows poop doesn’t carry coronavirus so if you get poop on your hands no big deal!

You have more time to research the male g-spot

We’ve all heard about it and we’ve heard rumors of it’s accessibility but are the rumors true or are they just that, rumors? Well now is the time to get to the bottom of this hard pressing issue. Get it? Bottom of this hard pressing issue? And also this hard making issue! Haha yeah, nailed it. (Nailed the g-spot that is.) “BULLSEYE!” is what my neighbor hears through his window.

You can finally perfect pretending to be a pregnant woman in those online chat rooms you frequent

You’ve been pretending to be a pregnant woman in a variety of different chat rooms for years but no ones really bought it. Some have come close but when it comes down to it you just don’t have enough knowledge about being a woman or being pregnant. Now's your chance to really perfect the act so you can get some of those suckers to buy you stuff off your baby registry.

See? Things aren’t so bad! When this is all over we’ll all look back on this as the best time of our lives. So don’t hate, celebrate! And don’t mate, be celibate! Why? Cuz you have to, that’s why! www.savagehenrymagazine

Patreon is a super-cool way to support Savage Henry Magazine. Your small monthly donation buys the gas money that brings the mags to the streets and maybe a burrito for the guy or gal dropping them off. Check 14 out how it works online at patreon.com/savagehenrymagazine

If you can’t read, the only thing you can do is enjoy the pictures, not the whole story. Reading is the key to knowledge. Knowledge is the key to understanding. So read on, young man! Read on, young lady! - Mr. T.

8 Really Dumb Uses For Hoarded Toilet Paper

Stephanie Knowles, contributor

*Please don’t use toilet paper this way.

You're already a dumbass for hoarding it. 1. A toilet paper hammock to rock your sorry ass to sleep in. 2. A skimpy toilet paper swimsuit. 3. Extremely uncomfortable toilet paper shoes. 4. Quilted toilet paper sheets because we know you still wet the bed. 5. Unbreakable toilet paper plates that add extra flavor to your sadness. 6.Toilet paper pots and pans to cook your sadness in.

*instead, donate your hoarded toilet paper to:

imagreedytoiletpaperbastard@dumbass.com

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7. Toilet paper fire extinguisher because you're too stupid to realize toilet paper burns like, ya know, paper. 8. A toilet paper casket to bury your dumass in.

This Magazine Can Be Used As Toilet Paper too Don’t Panic www.savagehenrymagazine

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Go Viral!

Dutch Savage, staff

This quarantine revolution stands alone in the history of isolating end times. “When I was a kid, we went outside and saw people, not just on screens. Everyone was still alive… things are not like how they used to be.” Tomorrow morning I hear they are selling sanitized hand jobs down at the Costco parking lot, while supplies last. Dirty ones will again be made available in a few months at the earliest. The divorce rate surges with coronavirus stamina and trajectory as Americans everywhere are locked up in their own confinement, stress floods living rooms across the country. If the store doesn’t have what you think you need, maybe you can still hoarder some online. I ran out of toilet paper and all I got was this crappy T-shirt. Don’t cough on me, Argentina. Goblin’s Dawn of the Dead score works well on your car stereo for those barren drives to old town, hit the liquor store next to the dispensary, enjoy the bleakness until life livens up again. Until then, think of all what you will undoubtedly appreciate when this mess is over, when the world’s fever breaks. www.savagehenrymagazine

Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From

Saul Trujillo, contributor

On an old couch, wrapped in a bedsheet riddled in dog hair sits a tiny Mexican Woman watching Korean Soap Operas. Her right hand holding a loud iPhone, while heft left massages the stomach of a oneyear-old puppy laying across her lap. Jake, a 70 lb Australian Shepherd, with the propensity to destroy any object near his jowls, takes a nice long stretch. A stretch so relaxing he manages to angle his butt in such a way that he farts directly into the Woman's mouth. I've seen this happen to a person before. It's not a strange occurrence more than it is an unfortunate one. An early riser can be doing some meditation at the park until an elderly person strolling by frees a bunch of ghosts in the middle of that victim's inhale. But, it's how the person eating said fart reacts. Which is usually, and with good reason, not well. Who, outside of fetish weirdos, would be pleased to take a hot draft to the back of the esophagus? Usually, it's anger that ends up becoming laughter. Most people first play the victim instinctually before realizing it's hilarious. Because it's a fart, and farts are funny. Yet, how the Woman reacted had actually skipped a step. Tears of joy pouring down her face. Her foot hit the tile of the room repeatedly as she gasped for enough air to get the laughs out. A recently lighter Jake leaves her lap in confusion, not knowing the reason for all the cackles and stomps. "Stupid Jake!", the Woman announced, as she wipes her eyes. I finally break my silence from what I was witnessing by stating, "It's all starting to make sense why I do comedy, mom". She clapped her hands and chuckled for another 2 minutes. Even though we are supposed to be socially distant from most of the world, it gives us no excuse to not find reasons to be appreciative of those we hold so close to our hearts.

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2020 News Headlines Thus Far God Reportedly Big Fan of Cancel Culture

COMMUNITY VOICES

Doomsday Preppers All Doomsday, No Prep

I Miss You Sloppy Eaters

Civilization's Finale Plays Out Like Shitty Michael Bay Movie Michigander Proves Toughness Wearing Shorts During Nuclear Winter

Aaron Pitcher, contributor

End Times Claim More Victims as Sports Fanatics Slowly Succumb to Purposelessness Local Youths Remind Quarantined Father: ‘You’re Grounded’

ENTERTAINMENT

Armed to the Teeth and Resources Becoming Scarce: A Global Love Story

A&E's 'Hoarders' to Merge with NPR's 'This American Life' Joke Backfires as Panicky Girlfriend Shown 'Contagion' Robertson May Live to See Armageddon He Hawked

Humanity's Exit Sparks Wild Celebration Among Fauna, Flora Four Horsemen Delighted to Begin with Project Half Done

COSMO's Top 10 Bug-Out Bag MakeUp Kit Essentials www.savagehenrymagazine

In Some Universe Somewhere Right Now This Isn't Happening

It's the End of the World as We Know It (even Stipe's Like WTF)

PANDEMIC UPDATE: CDC Advises Not to Grab 'Em by the Pussy

We had a good run. 23

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Redbeard’s Ruminations

Matt Redbeard, contributor

Who knew washing your hands did amything other than cementing that dab you accidentally touched permanently to your skin? Wearing a mask is cool cause I love the smell and new humidity of my beard

You don’t owe Joe Biden your vote.

I’ve literally been staying away from people since at least Bill Clinton

As weed and nicotine are proving to actually be helpful in fighting this disease, all I have to say is to the people who ever told me to quit to...Go fuck yourself!

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The Ballad of Billy Ray

Jane Malone, contributor

A review of Sam Tallent's Running the Light “Is it just me or have all of our black presidents looked exactly the same?” Sam Tallent is a legitimately fucking hilarious comedian. I had expected his unedited, chaotic, often frenetic stand-up energy to propel his novel, and surprisingly, was met with almost the exact opposite. Sam has a thoughtful, deliberate prose that deftly guides the reader through a melancholy field of spent potential with sensitivity and insight. In his freshman novel, “Running the Light,” he tells the twilight story of a Comedy career that has run its full course through showbiz, and now lingers only in the memories of old-time hacks and chuckle-fuckers of yore. “To risk your autonomy for a chance at something better, to literally bet your life, is both definitively stupid and inarguably brave. He gave it a shot and that’s more than most can say,” Tallent writes, tellingly, of his protagonist’s lifelong search for his place within the industry. There is an old saying about how Comedy can give a good comic anything they desire; if they’re into drugs, Comedy brings drugs. It brings sex, booze, money, recognition, an entourage of admirers, Comedy brings all of life’s excesses. And, road-dog-comedianextraordinaire Billy Ray Shafer wants all of that and more. In fact, you could say that ‘more’ is Billy Ray’s drug of choice. And, he’s a good enough comic to get it, too. A man whose stand-up career began in prison, Billy Ray made good on his potential for decades, did his part to buy into the American dream, and then completely choked when looking down the boredom-barrel of ‘happily ever after.’ Tallent skillfully captures the palpable angst and longing of a career in stand-up comedy, meeting the reader with a sure-footed authority and humor as black as midnight. Billy Ray is a comedian - whose claim to fame is being personally vouched for by Norm McDonald - and has been on Letterman a dozen times. Remember Letterman? He did HBO in the Richard Lewis days, too. In a world where you’re only as good as your last project, Billy Ray is years from his last project, and not nearly far enough from his last scandal. His career, hell, his life is winding down. And, now he has to come to terms with the future he’s made for himself. “Despite his failures with sobriety, monogamy, business, and fatherhood, he was still funny, and funny is the hardest thing to be,” is how Tallent describes Billy Ray. Sam presents the duality of Billy Ray’s life in perfect acceleration; his inevitable implosion is visceral and painful. Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy or just rank self-sabotage if you can’t reject the behaviors that you know will tear your life apart? And, which one is statutory rape? Is he a victim of cancel culture or is he rightly canceled for lack of culture? Billy Ray Schafer is a dinosaur curiously watching the asteroid streak the sky. Does a man deserve redemption in the minds of the family he abandoned to pursue his life’s work of making people laugh? Or is he unendingly driven towards the desire for impossible forgiveness from a mirage of an ex-wife and a yearning for a home and family that evaporated decades before? Tallent presents his readers with probing questions regarding fame, legacy, and the fleeting state of being alive. And, though he may not answer more than he asks, the conversation proves to be challenging, interesting, and deeply, darkly funny. www.savagehenrymagazine

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Eric Know How To Read! Reviews by Eric Fitzgerald The Quickening by Art Bell

The snowball effect of our downward spiral into a total collapse of humanity. Also did not know this before reading the book, but Art Bell is a homophobic douche, that's not what the book is about, but it is in the book.

Pimp by Iceberg Slim

If you’re a working class person, woman, or minority Capitalism only sees you as a ho. You hump your ass for someone else who makes most of the money while you beg for nice shit (bonuses, car, clothes, jewelry, consumerist trash) from them. Pimps are CEOs, politicians, etc... everyone else is a whore. And that’s why you can’t sell pussy for real. Anytime a corporation/government gives you something free it’s a warm bath because they just beat you with a coat hanger or are going to. If they show you a dead body, it’s to keep you in your place and blame you. That’s why they blame unions, protestors, and other civil disobedience activists for violence and not the police/ corporate interests. They get a John to fake a death while the prostitute is with them to scare her back to the pimp. www.savagehenrymagazine

Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman

If Neil Postman wrote this after Facebook was created it'd be in all caps.

Sacco and Vanzetti edited by John Davis (A collection of letters and writings on and by Sacco and Vanzetti)

Why do Italians like Nick DiPaolo want to be considered White? is it because it comes with some sort of benefit? Like not being murdered for being immigrants who were seen\ as a threat to the status quo for believing in fucking freedom which is what this country is supposed to goddamn represent.

2 Years Before the Mast by Richard (Dick) Henry (Hank) Dana Jr. The Working Class always gets fucked - even on boats in the 1860's.

ERIC KNOWS HOW TO READ! - CONTINUED ON PAGE 31 29

ERIC KNOWS HOW TO READ! - CONTINUED FROM PAGE 29

Havana Nocturne by TJ English

American Mob in Cuba before Castro tookover,Batista sucked, Castro sucked more, the mob is kinda fun if they don't want to kill you.

The Corporation by TJ English

Cuban Mafia in America if you practice strong Santeria you can get shot in the head on different occasions and live.

Filthy Rich by James Patterson

Epstein biography almost puked in my mouth, his defense team is now Trump's defense team and there were allegations against them as well.

The Al Jazeera Effect by Philip Seib All media is propaganda from somebody, so just believe everything and you'll be fine.

Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut

"If I had to explain it, Skip, You wouldn't get it", probably what some billionaire dillweed would actually try to do, invade earth with earthlings from Mars and then blow himself for it, because peace and harmony for all because a global common enemy...... Isn't there a Reagan speech about that (did that fucker plagiarize Vonnegut?), is this where the CIA got the idea for project Blue Beam....

The Barbary Coast by Herbert Asbury

San Francisco was overpriced to live in when it was just tents and shacks in 1849. Chinese Whores were lonelier than your quarantined ass so be grateful you ain't gettin' pounded by whitey for pennies multiple hours a day.

Burning Britain UK Punk 1980-1984 by Ian Glasper Fockin' get me a time machine so I can huff glue and launch gobs on some roighteous bands. Jk, lol, fock a time machine I'm just going to start doing that as soon DIY shows start happening again. Makes me itch for anarchy, studs, and leather.

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Behold A Pale Horse by Milton William Cooper Way more useful than my Goddamn Bachelor of Science in Political Science degree. Dude got shot by out of uniform police in front of his house after rightfully predicting 9/11 the June before it happened and got shot on November 5th, 2001. If that doesn't intrigue ya, keep trustin' the feds buddy…

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2020 World Pandemic Top 10 COVID Platlist

Jacqui Pirl, contributor

10. Zoom, Zoom, Zoom (we’re going to the moon) – The Kiboomers 9. Don’t Stand so Close to Me – The Police 8. Can’t Touch This – M.C. Hammer 7. Stuck with You – Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande 6. Mr. Lonely (I’m so lonely) – Bobby Vinton 5. Just Eat It – Weird All Yankovic 4. Suicide is Painless – Johnny Mandel (theme song for M*A*S*H) 3. Feeling Good – Nina Simone 2. I didn’t Sleep at all Last Night – 5th Dimension And the #1 song on the 2020 Covid playlist was recently banned by radio stations, but if we change the words, just a bit, I think we can bring it back this December. From the 1949 musical “Neptune’s Daughter” … 1. Baby it’s Covid Outside – Idina Menzel Honorable Mentions: Flirting with Disaster – Molly Hatchet Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds – The Beatles (because I know a lot of you all have only been “getting by with a little help from your friends!”)

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Social Survival with Kids!

Jane Malone, contributor

So... you decided to have kids, did you? That was misguided! But, it's a felony to take it back now! You’re going to have to survive the apocalypse with children on your back and, they’re going to be dirty, because that’s how life is. Here are a few to help you through the next round of social distancing/ torture by toddler: • Don’t rule out duct tape – you can even have it delivered. Don’t just think Amazon and Walmart, either! A lot of your small-business allies carry this do-all staple. And, though it’ll never properly seal an air duct, it works perfectly on small children! It’s also a great visual threat to older children, or even your partner if you feel like shaking things up! • We all know you tried to homeschool. You’re a good parent. You even printed out workbook sheets and a map of the USA. You’re just not a teacher and the work is horrifying and unending and thankless. There’s no shame in giving up and letting them stare at YouTube until their eyes melt. How else are you going to “work from home?” • You’re going to have to feed them. Like, a LOT. A LOT, A LOT. Three times a day, pretty much every day. Make it easy on yourself and get hot dogs, ramen, and breakfast cereal by the metric ton. There is no shame in surviving a pandemic, even if your life-raft is made of Twinkies and HoHos. • There is no way to keep a child at a safe, controllable distance in public. They’re just never trained well enough to override the thrill of others. If you must go into public, you’re going to have to harness that bad boy. The days of polite niceties are over. Put a mask muzzle and some gloves on that germ factory, and be prepared to manually reign it 6’ away. It’s a brave new world, except for your child. That’s terrifying. • If all else fails, you can maroon them in an attic, with only a small television to see out into the world. Deliver powdered donuts on occasion. It’s practically tradition for the upper classes, so just pretend you’re temporarily impoverished! What’s good enough for Edward Rochester is good enough for any of the gentry!

Basically, there are no parenting rules anymore, my kids ate peanut-butter pancake sandwiches at midnight on a Tuesday. They run this place. I’m outnumbered. Send help. And, good luck to you.

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16 Things That Are EXACTLY Six Feet Long

Sean Green, contributor

If you’re like me you’ve found yourself constantly calculating exactly how long six feet is in the past few weeks as you look to maintain a healthy boundary and help flatten the Covid-19 curve. Here are a list of things that are exactly six feet so you can imagine these things between you and another human as you interact in our bizarre new society. 1. Your bong from college that you had to use a step ladder to smoke. 4. The average waiting line outside of your Mom’s bedroom! (Man you got burned.)

8. The size of the kayak I plan to buy with my stimulus check.

2. The longest tape-worm ever removed from a human body. (That guy was seriously ill) 5. Size of the tiger that ate Carole Baskin’s husband.

9. Satan’s penis, little known fact that’s why Satan’s favorite number is 666.

6. Two dalmatians humping each other.

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7. The piece of spaghetti that Lady and Tramp shared in the classic film ‘Lady & The Tramp.’

10. The average length of lasagna The Rock eats during his infamous cheat days.

12. Jeffrey Esptein’s bed sheet, remember that guy? Feels like we totally gave up figuring that one out. This Covid-19 thing has been a little too perfect a distraction if you ask me. 14. Luke Perry in heels! Industry secret Luke Perry is actually only 5’ 10” however in his classic high heels Luke is exactly six feet tall and attributes his Hollywood success to this iconic footwear choice.

3. Seven Subway footlong sandwiches stacked up end to end. (Subway never gives you a full 12 inches.)

11. Length of a Dodger Dog that would justify their $12 retail price.

13. The space between Dharma & Greg on their couch after they’ve gotten in a fight after Dharma continues to be a pain in the ass free spirit.

15. Drew Brees. 16. The length of a Hunter S. Thompson cigarette when he puts it in one of those really cool long cigarette holders.

Home Birth: QuaranTots

William Toblerobe, contributor

William Toblerone once wrote, "With the coming of spring comes the dawn of new life." Those powerfully brilliant words have stuck with me ever since I wrote that last sentence. This wise wisdom was on full display in my mansion during this isolating period that I call the Isolating Period. New life was springing forth in all corners of my own home! I had never noticed the small miracles in my chateau at this time of year because I was usually out doing really important international stuff. But this year, I'm staying put and I can't believe all of the adorable newborns my butler has spotted in my very own lavishly expensive house!

Baby Carrots! Awwww, coochie coo!

Baby Step! What a cutie pie.

Lil’ Infant Microwave Door. Practically adorable!

Baby Ernest the Unwelcome

Cutest Little Baby Vase: He is resin!

Baby Baby Inception Baby. Kill you? Ok!

Sweet Child o’ Chili and Boxed Wine www.savagehenrymagazine

Dear Teeny Tiny Cannibus and Essential Oil Baby. “Who smoked your little belly? I smoked your little belly. Yes I did.”

Beautiful Anal Porn Baby. A miracle to behold 49

Home Sweet Home

Connor Martin, contributor

Welp, here we are, a couple months into the defining event of the year... I hope. I hope it's the defining event of the year because I don’t know what horror would have to take place in the next 7 months in order to eclipse this global pandemic. Short of some otherworldly shit, however, I think we’re safe in assuming that we are in fact balls deep into the defining event of the year. Of the decade if we’re lucky. But as difficult as the shelter-inplace order has been for everyone, we can take solace in the solidarity of just about every citizen of the world. In a rare occurrence, we’re all more-or-less in the same boat. What’s more, we're all AWARE that we’re in the same boat.

manned by loners and stoners, and herds of nerds. What the rest of you refer to as “a government mandated quarantine”, we call “business as usual". It turns out that survival of the fittest is all about context, and suddenly introverts are looking pretty swole.

What a lot of you may not realize is that some of us live our lives on this boat. We lived on this boat before Covid-19 and we’ll live on it after. The U.S.S. HomeBody. A ship

All these years, while you've been out there socializing in public places, having adventures and making friends; we were at home consuming books

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and video games and movies and drugs while we diligently deepened the indentations in our couches. You might say that we’ve prepared for this possibility. But I wouldn’t say that. Rather, I would go so far as to say that some of us navel gazing folk consider the quarantine to be a gift… albeit, an extremely expensive gift. Perhaps it’s a little cold to refer to a necessary precaution against an economy-crushing killerContinued next page...

Continued from previous page... pandemic as “a gift”. But what you have to understand is that the single most difficult aspect of an introvert’s life is thinking of ways to get out of plans and reject invitations without looking like a misanthropic dick. You see, just because we don’t want to spend time with people 90% of the time doesn’t mean we don’t want them to like us. So you can see how the quarantine just solved our biggest problem. And it feels fantastic! It feels like what I imagine a closeted southern gay man from the Bible Belt must feel like when he finally gets his courage up and moves to West Hollywood (The Leather Belt?). Or, more accurately, like if West Hollywood somehow moved to him. I didn’t change anything, but suddenly my lifestyle seems very popular and I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not! And quite frankly, I could get used to it. But then sometime in the middle of my 3rd week of basking in pot smoke and Youtube videos, it hit me. Just like that Zip-lock bag on my coffee table, or the amount of time I have to finish this article, this sweet gift will be gone before I know it. And with it’s departure, the incoming of plans and invitations and expectations from all angles like enemy arrows and mortars!

So enjoy this carefree lifestyle while it lasts before Billiam Gates and the team of health nerds he’s funding steal it away from us. And when that day comes here are a few simple ways to continue to avoid social obligations. Share your own methods with us on social media.

“My mom shit her pants"

The surprisingly effective “My mom(or other close relative) shit her pants” gambit. A rookie will go straight to “I shit MY pants” which is no real excuse for an adult. "Re-trouse yourself and get on out here buddy!” A novice may attempt the once popular “My mom had a heart attack”. However with the advent of social media and virtue signaling, a heart attack will invite further questions and comes with an expectation of a Facebook post. Combining the two, you end up with “My mom shit her pants” which invites disgust, aversion, and a puritan-like recoiling of any line of questioning.

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“Just got back into town"

This works on several levels and, unlike most of the classics, does not directly involve poop in any way. First of all, you just got back into town, so you’re “gonna need some time to decompress”. We introverts are often “compressed” and need to undo that regularly. That covers the near future. -Why weren’t you available a couple days ago? "I was out of town! Don’t you listen?” That covers the recent past. -Why didn’t you return my phone call? “Well did you ever think maybe I was on an airplane? You know, SINCE I JUST GOT BACK INTO TOWN!” If they ask too where you flew or why, “business trip” is a good go to. If they point out that you’re a janitor, just scoff at them for being classist and walk away. Boom. Done deal.

“My IBS is acting up" Fun known fact: “Irritable Bowel Syndrome” is one of many “Syndromes” that are virtually impossible to either verify or disprove. It’s pretty surefire and slightly more classy than the more base and blatant “diarrhea" excuse of our youth. Ahhh… childhood. Note: If you meet any resistance, make mention of a recent bowl of bat soup.

Continued next page... 53

Amuzement Park Reopens With New Guidelines

Mike Spiegelman, contributor

There's talk about reopening Disney World. What are they, fakakta?! Can't impatient amusement park attendees just get Disney+ and stream the Pirates of the Caribbean, The Country Bears, Haunted Mansion, and Tomorrowland like the rest of us? Now may be not the time to open the gates, not without guidance. Parks would need to offer guidelines for the new age of outdoor attraction entertainment, preferably posted as a sign in the parking lot by some garbage cans.

THEME PARK RULES Social Distancing guidelines available at Information Kiosk Line to Information Kiosk starts at Pavilion Entrance 1. Employees may not question your decision to visit amusement park during a pandemic. 2. Roller coaster runs every 30 minutes Monday-Friday 3. Maximum occupancy on Love Tunnel Boats = 1 4. Complimentary bars of soap given during all log flume rides. 5. Food court open for DoorDash delivery only. 6. No somber reflection on the Ferris wheel. 7. Costumed characters will not engage in physical contact or speak. Antics must occur SIX FEET away from patrons. 8. Ghost of Michael Jackson must wear mask. 9. For souvenir purchases over $100, patrons receive one free roll of toilet paper. 10. Alcoholic beverages are www.savagehenrymagazine

*ed note: finally! 55

Jeff Ward, contributor 56

Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report

Dutch Savage, staff

Day 24 - Leaving Amsterdam

Simone’s gentle hands shook me from this slumber so we can say our goodbyes to the upstairs flat early enough for two fulfilled agents on the move. Down on the street we pull our bags and forge a city path to Amsterdam Central Station with a voracity unmatched by some. Our two airline tickets were already in the apartment when we woke up this morning, Simone tells me to not be alarmed by this as we scan the sidewalks toward our escape route out of this beautiful city. As intrusive as The Agency can be they make up in convenience. Penetrating the train hub entrance with several spare units of time to go, we immediately hear an announcement on the overhead speakers electronically spitting out details of the airport bound train being all fucked up without any real explanation clipped to the voice. Without hesitation, we turn ourselves around and exit the building, grabbing a leaning cab driver to see to it that we will make our airport arrival without error. We have had enough troubles with faulty trains earlier on this mission, and getting to the airport today has edged towards that of being critically important. Cab Driver is exceptionally quiet, I figure he most likely does not speak much English. Fine with me, I don’t have to converse at all with last night’s party still ringing in my head. As we inch closer to the airport we see that there is a car jam for a few miles. Cab Driver looks at us via his rearview and clearly states “Security measures”. Driver thinks quickly, he definitely knows the ins and outs of these airport arterials, sending the three of us sliding through a detour on the other side of the airport. The taxi ride fee ticker is exceeding 50 euros now, I have only 70 in my pocket… give or take maybe 2. We come up on the airport backdoor and see a roadblock of police vehicles and many large men in berets with machine guns… these human beasts all have real shitty looks on their faces. The machine guns are huge and shitty themselves, and I never, ever trust anyone in a beret. It appears that recent situations in France are having their intense effects on the rest of Europe. We abruptly cruise up to the closest terminal and I ask to be let free. Driver turns around and smiles; “72 euros, please”. Mr. Cab Driver cleaned me out, he got everything we had left in our paper reserves. Sometimes things really do work out. We cannot miss this next flight to London, I don’t want to be around with these army beret guys and their rough terrain faces any longer. If we do not make it to our hotel room in London soon, the creeps at The Agency might get their expensive delicate panties all the way up their distinguished elite butt cracks. Clusters of these military police units painfully decorate the insides of all of the various terminals. Every single one of the soldiers are painfully adorned with those goofy blue berets, and the most terrible shitty looks on their faces. A time has passed and on the airplane to London we sit. The flight will be an hour, if everything goes as it usually goes. I do not see any beret-headed, shit-faced beefy dudes now so the nerves and last night’s headache waft with a still upright seat relief. I must have taken a rare doze when the telephone line voice from the cockpit dictates our attempt to land the craft. Customs at Heathrow today are like that DMV sloth scene in that one fucking children’s movie, thankfully I do not remember the www.savagehenrymagazine

“You Can’t Go Wrong Finishing Off with Peruvian Gold” – Jess

name of it. The sloth-like man behind the counter was in no hurry to get us along. A few simple questions and we get our stamps and are ready to get the shit out of here. Our friend Barbara, the nice exuberant woman with the boobs from that bar last night, warned us about getting to the Amsterdam airport early. Goddamn, was she right. We are now back on London streets, we get on the tube towards Cock… Cock-something Station. Just under twenty tube train stops behind us we arrive in a place called Covent Garden. Jesus Christ. We exit the subway car and try to stand up tall, stretch our legs, and keep moving. Meandering has us a little lost, like usual, and until we find our hotel near the British Museum as predesignated by The Agency. The front desk clerk acts just as suspected, handing us our keys to the second floor hotel room door. These stairs are nothing compared to the avalanche of steps adorning that last place in Amsterdam. A non-descript manila envelope companion with the words “DUTCH SAVAGE AND CO.” on the face is in the room on a small table equipped with a sturdy vintage lamp. “This is it, Simone. Our last ticket out of here.” Inside are two new passports with all new identities, and a hand typed letter of mission conclusion from an unknown representative of The Agency. I read the contents and then hand it over to Simone to read. DEAR SIR AND MADAM, THANK YOU GREATLY FOR YOUR SERVICE. CARRY ON AS YOU WOULD IF YOU WERE NOT SOMEONE WHO SHOULD BE READING THIS. TOMORROW IS THE DAY FOR YOUR RETURN TO REGULARITY. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DESTROY AT YOUR LATEST CONVENIENCE. WATCH FOR TRAPS. SINCERELY,

GEORGE KAPLAN Another completed assignment is in the books. Who exactly “George Kaplan” is, I do not expect to ever find out. This is how it typically is working as an independent contractor for a department of such intense reticence. I tear and stash the letter in my jacket pocket for equal distribution, we pocket our new identities via these stiff glossy passports and leave the hotel building. There is a Turkish place on the corner that is better than the Turkish place in Inverness. Simone and I go over tomorrow’s plan. Threw away part of the letter here and everywhere else we will visit this evening as long as trash bins are present. Walked around the adjacent blocks before retiring back to the room to relax. Murder programs on the box that my mother would enjoy fill gaps of silence in the room. There is a classic Hammer movie on the British Horror Channel, ‘Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter’, and it has just started. Seems appropriate enough for this English evening of valor. (To be continued)

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Monkey Business

Jacqui Pirl, contributor

Just before the world collapsed, I was gifted a kitty named Monkey. I’d never had a cat, so I didn’t know how these mysterious creatures worked and I was confounded by many things this feline did. For instance, one day I was unloading the dishwasher and Monkey hopped in and sat down. On the clean dishes. I could not get him out. I called him, I coaxed him, I tried to grab him. Nothing. I finally texted my daughter for advice, sending her a picture of the stubborn cat. She casually texted back, “Well, mom, guess that’s one way to keep your pussy clean.” Fast forward a few months later and I’ve been locked down with Monkey for two months. We’re getting to know each other. One day, I’m sunning on my lanai. I am in the lazy stages of quarantine and wearing only my underwear. It’s secluded. It’s private. I’m just getting some sun and I’m too lock-down-lazy to put on an actual swimsuit. (Whatever. Like, you’ve been wearing pants for the past 5 months! You’re probably not even wearing pants right now! Jeez!) So Monkey and I are just enjoying the sun, when he decides to take a full face front dive off my second story lanai into the flowerbed below! I don’t think. I jump up and go running out my front door. I am screaming. Screaming, SCREAMING!!! I have now alerted the neighbors! The neighbors are coming outside. I frantically tell them that my cat has jumped into the wooded area behind my house. I tell them, he’s an inside cat and he has never been outside and he might be hurt. Two nice gentlemen (whom, I’d never before met) followed me, running, into the wooded ravine behind my house and eventually we retrieve an extremely freaked out house cat. I thank them profusely, and as we are walking back to my house, my neighbor comes out, looking horrified, glares at the two young men, and asks me if everything is alright. I’m about to explain how Monkey got out, when I look down at my neighbor’s 5-year-old, who has the most peculiarly disgusted look on her cute little face. It was only then, that I realized I have been running through the woods being chased by two grown men, barefoot and wearing only a g-string. My cat is fine. I think I have to move now.

10 Things We’ve Never Heard Before 2020 Jacqui Pirl, contributor

1. My mic condoms came in the mail today. I’m practicing safe sets, so should you! 2. DTZ! (Down To ZooM) 3. Host: “You’re up next.” 4. Comic: “Okay, give me one second; I gotta throw some clothes on.” 5. Is it California Chronic or Covid Cough? 6. Hell, No! Do not pass me that joint! Gross! 7. Can you please put a mask on before entering the bank? 8. I’m not nearly as good company as I once thought I was. 9. “Fuck Trump!” (I’m just kidding! We’ve been saying this for 3&½ years!) 10. Justice for Breonna Taylor and George Floyd! 11. BLM! www.savagehenrymagazine

James Couture, contributor

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Ben’s 10

Ben’s 10 Volume CIX: Singers Who Would Sound Better with Their Mouths Covered by a Mask

Ben Allen, music editor Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit) This dipshit once wrote “I did it all for the nookie. Come on the nookie. Come on. So you can take that cookie. And Stick it up your, yeah!” Anyone capable of regurgitating rancid cat feces like that should be permanently gagged by an N-95 mask. Ted Nugent “The Nuge” is another candidate for silencing as most of what he spews is ill-informed, ultra-conservative rhetoric, as well as his passion for slaughtering innocent animals for sport. Someone should invent a mask that simultaneously protects you from viruses while muting any sounds produced. Joanna Newsome While her arrangements and music are gorgeous and captivating, Newsome’s voice often sounds like a seven-year-old child desperately crying for help while trapped at the bottom of a thirty foot deep well. Barry Gibb (Bee Gees) I’m thinking that a thick, cotton barrier provided by a mask would deepen the high-pitched wail usually produced by Gibb. Yoko Ono Ono is an individual with a visionary, unique approach to creativity and art. However, her “singing” sounds something like an orgasming chimpanzee being bludgeoned with a shoe. Stevie Nicks With a voice once described as similar to a “dying, suffering pigeon,” Nicks would sound better covered by a mask. Maybe she just needs some more cocaine blown up her ass? Katy Perry Have you heard her single “Firework?” You would think with all of the studio trickery available; they wouldn’t let Perry release something so hideous. Cover that mouth immediately! Simon Le Bon (Duran Duran) Le Bon can sing, but my god, his live performances were vocally horrific. George Fisher (Cannibal Corpse) Fisher already sounds like he’s singing through some type of impenetrable barrier while gargling razor blades. I imagine a mask would only enhance his vocal “effect.” Gene Simmons (KISS) I guess the guy could sing alright, but as he’s also a sexist, greedy, www.savagehenrymagazine capitalist pig fucker. He can suck a llama’s hot asshole.

Proud Spo nsor of the Savage He n Comedy Fe ry tstival

Alec Cole, contributor

Visit our Nevada City store with over 150 chocolate varieties and 50 local vendors Find our chocolates at a store near you by visiting us at: www.choquierochocolate.com 64

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Beehive Depressed and Distressed Spencer Devine, contributor I struggle to find the words to accurately describe and critique this album. It was certainly loud, so if that’s your only criteria then this is the album for you. Not that I hate the rebellious attitude of punk music but it almost seemed like they were angry at people for listening to their album. There’s so much noise going on actually hearing the lyrics over the guitar is a struggle on most tracks. When I did, I really struggled to understand what he was saying. I got a decent headache after because the guitar slams into your ear drums like a dog that doesn’t see a screen door before trying to go inside. I understand every genre of music has its own feel and this might very well be someone’s jam, but this made feel like taking a nap somewhere very quiet. Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Oh, Rose While My Father Sleeps Tommy Lucero, contributor Firstly, any album that has a chorus of "gimmie some marijuana in the evening," I'm totally on board with (track 6 - Harrypotterjuana*). I like to think that if Mazzy Star, Veruca Salt, and The Pixies all got together and had a mushroom party the music baby would be Oh, Rose. I felt immediately transported to a simpler time when weed was weed and the only problem with a "concentrate" I had was holding it long enough to have a conversation. There were definite notes of Tori Amos at times to the point where I had to double check what album this was, the fact that i had transformed my bedroom into a medicinal cloud city has no bearing on that though. The track titled "Baby" is the most heartfelt sing a long in decades, its permanently downloaded into my brain and I'm perfectly ok with that. Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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Royal Trux Pink Stuff Andrea Bartunek, contributor Royal Trux has a comeback album, White Stuff, after two decades of being off the radar. I guess that’s what happens when a band is also a couple and breaks up. At least they reconnected to create more untamed noise rock that you can shake your punk haircut to. Ariel Pink, famous for contributing to Animal Collective, was asked to re-work five songs off White Stuff, making Pink Stuff. He remixes these with more 80s nostalgic synth punk vibes. It’s pure reckless fun that makes you want to get out and scream like an angsty teen in the middle of suburbia. “Suburban Junky Lady” is the first track and has gotten the most media attention but I think the star of the EP is “Get Used to This” featuring Kool Keith adding a layer of hip hop. Listen to Pink Stuff, six songs that get you amped and ruthless. Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

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An Incident at the Bank This Last Tuesday Connor Martin, contributor It all started on a typical Tuesday afternoon at the 7th Street Savings and Loan. The tellers were telling. The bankers were banking. Interest was accumulating and overdraft penalties were being swiftly and exactingly applied to the accounts of the broke. All was well. All was as it was supposed to be. None would expect what was to transpire within the next few minutes. Or that it would make those minutes feel like hours. Everyday places like banks have a tendency to ease one into complacency with all their mundane normality. And as such, nobody was watching the parking lot. Nobody watched the door or even considered what vile scum might enter a bank at any given moment. They just carried on rolling coins, drinking free coffee, and hitting on tellers half their age. Normal bank business. It was deep into this complacency, right around noon, when everyone least expected it, that two men stood up with guns in hand and masks pulled low over their chins, exposing nothing but their steely eyes. Nobody knew it then, but those two men were career criminals and brothers Kevin and Sean Finley. This wasn’t their first rodeo, and in fact it wasn’t a rodeo at all. It was a bank robbery. They had woken up that day with the intention of putting in a dishonest day’s work and they just clocked in. As they stood, Kevin, a mute, remained silent while Sean, the older brother and natural leader, shouted in his odd staccato way, “THIS! IS A BANK! RAWBAWRY!” almost as if he had to catch his breath between three separate declarations, making sure that even the hard of hearing would have equal opportunity to tremble in frozen terror. As everybody in the bank registered what was occurring, the double doors both swung in simultaneously just like they would in an old western saloon when a stranger appears alone from somewhere unknown; somewhere mysterious and far from town. But this was no stranger. And there was no mystery about his origin. He lived just down the street in the house with the “Trump 2020” flag on the lawn. It was local piece of shit, Bob Sunderquist. And unlike literally every other person in the bank, he wasn’t wearing a mask. That’s right. This fuckin garbage asshole walks right into a perfectly routine bank robbery and goes and puts everyone’s life at risk. The bank manager on duty that day sprang quickly into action. “What the fuck, Bob!?” she shouted, “Again with this shit? Go put a fucking mask on! We’ve been at this for months. This isn’t news you dipshit! You have no excuse!” “But!”, retorted bitch-ass Bob “No buts” Sheila yelled, accompanied by a collective groan of disapproval from the bank patrons and Finley brothers alike. “My rights!”, Bob yelled meekly without a leg to stand on. “Why can’t you be respectful of everyone’s health and safety like these two fine gentlemen?” Sheila asked, gesturing to the mask-clad Finley’s. “Thank you ma’am”, the elder Finley responded, “would you like us to shoot this fuggin’ guy?” Taking the manager’s hesitation as a yes, Kevin Finley shot Bob right in the left testicle. Everybody cheered and the tellers gladly handed over several thousand dollars for their services. www.savagehenrymagazine

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10 Businesses That Don’t Work Curbside

Jason Merritt, contributor

10. Therapy/psychiatrist - Should not be done on the sidewalk. It’s a fucked up way to learn dad hates you and mom is suicidal because of it. 9. Tutoring- You don’t want your neighbors knowing you’re stupid. 8. Music Lessons - Your students suck and the neighbors have guns. 7. Mimes - They shouldn’t perform anywhere. 6. Detox Center - People get high on the sidewalk. Not sober. 5. Yoga - Watch Law & Order. 4. Sperm Bank - Nobody wants testicle tea from a guy masturbating on their sidewalk. 3. Personal Trainer- Your clients are hideous have some respect for the neighbors. 2. Glory Holes- Sticking your dick thru a bullet hole at the bus stop isn’t smart. I’m glad mom’s working again but shit needs to stop. 1. Vets for Euthanasia- If you can drag your pet to the curb you can drag it to the street.

10 Ways To Express the Boredom and Chaos Stephanie Knowles, contributor Within Color your hair again. And again. And again. And again. Live on the dollar store junk food diet "Every pound you gain is 1$" Watch Avatar the Last Airbender and try to bend the elements in your house. You need to call the plumber now, and possibly the electrician. Scream as you realize the CDC now recommends you not celebrate your "Dirty 30" as it needs to be a clean socially distanced celebration at home. Well, fuck. Ponder if "Supersize Me" really portrays what fast food does to you accurately as you drool over the McDonalds menu on DoorDash. Try on every fancy outfit you have and walk the halls in your apartment. (Mask on) From a chicken suit to the back half of a horse, you're a magnificent beast indeed. Try to make top 10 lists of every aspect of your life. "Top ten poops week 26" Let your phone drop to 5% while playing games to add extra excitement to your life. Get heckled on a zoom show by an old naked man jacking off, and sing him a fucked up lullaby as the mods "get him off" the zoom. Fuck the stay at home order and protest! This gets you outside! Omg the outdoors! Added bonus: you become 100% better than your racist cousin when you fight for black lives!

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Author

What Would’ve Been Cooler...

Seth Mistein, staff

As we quickly ramp up toward the apocalypse, amid a burgeoning civil war, economic decline, critical environmental deterioration, and a medium plague; “What would’ve been cooler…” takes an optimistic stroll through denial and wonders what would’ve been cooler turns to have taken as a civilization. Enjoy! We’re dying. What would’ve been cooler is food pills. Early sci-fi assumed we would all eat nutrient pills in the future. It seems dope. Like if you eat something that is only all of the nutrients your body needs, you wouldn’t even have to doots. I know most people enjoy having a good one but imagine how much more productive we could be if we had those seven hours a day back. We probably have the technology to make that happen right now but we used it to make cotton candy be a flavor you can breathe. What would’ve been cooler is the Matrix. I want to try that steak that Joe Pantoliano eats. That was the point of that thing, right? The Matrix has super good steaks! What if the agents are just artisan matrix chefs and Neo is just a hardcore animal rights activist? I’ll bet it’d be way dumber. But it would’ve been cooler if we could’ve lasted long enough to let a.i. robotics get that out of hand, enslave us, and then some how fuck up and let us make squid spaceships. Instead we got Facebook. They don’t even give us steaks. They just gave us a care react and sold our data while they made us hate each other. What would’ve been cooler is if we never let people be overly literal jerks about the “Black Lives Matter” slogan. If the first time some dipshit said BLM was racist, someone just called him on it and said, “Shut up, Jerry! You know what they mean!” I wouldn’t have to cringe whenever I hear “All Lives Matter” which should be a positive thing to say and it’s gross that it isn’t. I think we need to reclaim it. Did you know you can just go to protests and stand with the All Lives Matter people but fuck up their game by holding up an All Lives Matter sign with a picture of Osama Bin Laden or Jeffery Dahmer or a cow? You can subvert any movement by being so bad at it that no one wants to stand with you. Or we could just keep playing the grown up equivalent of “I’m not touching you!” and keep pretending that we don’t know how words go. What would’ve been cooler is if money hadn’t have worked out. It would’ve been cooler if we could have just bartered. Mostly because we’d probably have names reflecting our trades like Sarah Furniture or Gary Wheat or Anita Headphones. I guess there would be some other benefits if we didn’t let a small group of dudes convince us to value some cloth they printed their faces on but it’s just really fun to make up trade names… Jeremy Carpet… Elizabeth Cell Phones… Inga Candy… Gloria Oats… Franklin Sugar… Dolores Pork… Irving Skateboards… Try it, it’s fun!

This Magazine Kills Brain Cells www.savagehenrymagazine

76 MADE IN HUMBOLDT - WWW.ROYALGOLDCOCO.COM

“I have Dennis Rodmans number somewhere in my van..” -Grants pass, OR

I’ve been drinking hand sanitizer all night and I’m ready to get fucked up! - the Alibi

“I dunno man...my balls slapped my butthole once and it felt pretty good.” -Arcata Ace Hardware parking lot

“Whoo Whoo I feel like thomas the train but all fucked up!” - Girl leaving sidelines

I’m the gummy bear on the floor of the back seat of your car - the shanty

“If you’re taking pills up your ass, I’m pretty sure your partner shouldn’t be eating it.” - The Shanty, Eureka

“With the wind blowing her hair she was the face of queeffff!” - Joey on the plaza

EavesDroppings Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth!” - Eureka man

“Don’t buttfuck, you’re better than that.” “Am I?” -shanty

What’s the use of a life-sized Bieber “that glass butt doll if you can’t make it cry? plug has more - Myrtlewood liquors followers than I do” A lot of idiots get their “When it shows, I -The Coast start on the plaza just take drugs.” - arcata bar row “My kids hear nice - Grass Valley, CA I dont need lemons things from me too . . . “I’m gonna get Gonorrhea from to get high Only a few times when I like my weed stinky, folding my clothes here.” - arcata plaza I was DRUNK, I had to not my pussy. ... - Grass Valley laundromat apologize.” -Willow Creek “aw man, i’m just stoked - Colfax, CA My buddies mom’s dog didn’t like me..... cuz I have a job.” I put vapor rub it made me question my existence. -shit people say now on his peepee. “An escort is just a - Emerald Cup after party - Arcata prostitute you can wear out in public.” “hamachi shooter?, I About the singer of the band playing. - Arcata can go take three bong “If he spent half the money he hits and cough you up a spends on hair product on singing hamachi shooter!” lessons, maybe he’d be good.” - farmer in Ettersburg - port o pints, Crescent City Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 415 5th Street - Eureka CA 95501. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

Tattoos of the Month

Ailment of the Month

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The HArvest Issue Here we go again

At least we got weed

Covid-19 /Corona/Bat Ball Stew Riboviria Orthornavirae Pisuviricota Pisoniviricetes Nidovirales Coronaviridae Orthocoronavirinae I mean, this one wrote itself. 78

Why can’t I buy a 3,500 MG brownies? Send your Contributions to: submit@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 415 5th St. Eureka, CA 95501