Issue #107 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR I’ve heard this hindsight stuff gives you 20/20 vision, and thought that sounded pretty good. So we are looking back at funnies written by Savages of the past, cuz that is way cheaper than going to the optometrist and having to pay for glasses. My comedy could use some work. My gratitude is pretty on point though. Thank You So Much For Reading & Cheers to 10 more years - after which I guess we will have 20/30 vision? Monica www.savagehenrymagazine.com

schedule also on facebook.com/savagehenrymag

Hey ya’ll.

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Parental warning

My child. I want you never to touch a blasphemous Savage Henry Magazine. Also, your head smells funny.

We are a moronic magazine for adults. If you aren’t one, put this thing down.

the biggest conspiracy that YOU functionally perpetuate and are involved in: orange tic tacs

Sarah Godlin, staff

That little box of orange candy costs just as much as the Tic Tacs you use to freshen your breath....you know, the Tic Tacs that have a purpose. If someone poured that many similar candies in your hand and slapped you with a 99 cent price tag you'd be pissed. Even quarter machine candy gives you more for less.

the biggest conspiracy that YOU functionally You are pretty much paying a buck for that noise rattling from your pocket perpetuate and are involved in:to trashcan orange tic tacs when you walk around, presumably from trashcan throwing your money in, given your past history of not caring at all about it.

OH JESUS, SARAH! I AM THROWING MY MONEY AWAY! WHAT CAN I DO? Save the plastic box and put some pebbles inside for the same effect. Don't forget you did so after drinking. Or save the box and put 75 cents inside every time you use a quarter candy machine. Then use the money to pay for a dentist who will fix the teeth you broke chewing pebbles after you followed some dumb writer’s advice. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

set of articles contained within this magazine, systematically displayed in columnar form the biggest conspiracy that YOU functionally perpetuate and are involved in: orange tic tacs............................................................. 7 set of articles contained within this magazine, systematically displayed in columnar form .................................................................. 9 Letters to the Editors............................................................................10 Behind The Music....................................................................................13 The Other Missile Crisis........................................................................15 IrRashonAl FeErs......................................................................................17 Flow Chart..................................................................................................19 You might be a Grow-Ho....................................................................... 21 Hammocks: The Original...................................................................... 22 The Rise and Fall of Munch’s Make Believe Band........................ 23 Restaurant Review .................................................................................25 Broke Motherfucking Ricks Almanac.............................................. 27 A practical guide to: Shrimp Cocktail Substitutes.................... 29 Duct tape this to something to remind people who you are. .30 Three Sports that Should Go Pro...................................................... 30

Asshole Fashion...................................................................................... 33 Make Toilet Fun Time!............................................................................ 35 Proper Gun Safety.................................................................................. 39 The World’s Biggest Insane Clown PoSse Fans........................... 40 Our Own Savage Henry Pizza Tips!................................................... 43 Breaking Smurfs .................................................................................... 45 What Your Car Says About Your Dick*.............................................49 Redbeard Ruminations..........................................................................51 Financial Advice Column.......................................................................57 Bud Time’s Review Time........................................................................59 Album Reviews.........................................................................................61 Ben’s 10......................................................................................................62 Forget Jesus… What About Greg?.................................................. 65 The Savage Henry Hill Name Generator......................................... 66 Cookbook Review....................................................................................73 Tip me back over..................................................................................... 75 EavesDroppings...................................................................................... 83 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

To whom it may concern, It has come to my attention that not only have you continued with your publication, but you have made it even brighter and more appealing to children. I found a copy of your word pornography in my son’s possession. HE IS A CHILD! I have seen the corruption in his actions: Talking back, playing video games. Next year, when he is a legal adult, there will be nothing I can do about what he reads, but for now, your smutty, foul-mouthed magazine is set in my sights. Terminate publication immediately or, God help you, the Mothers Against Savage Henry will start their legal campaign. I pray for your souls and the souls your magazine will corrupt. In Jesus’ name, Mrs. Margorie Dutton M.A.S.H. President and Founder

Scratch & Sniff!

Paper Ink 10

chive r A e h From t ♦ 2010 2 Issue #

Yo Ho Ho and a Kettle of Pot A couple of weeks ago A friend of mine called up and told me that he had some older weed and instead of tossing it or turning it into crack like everybody else, he came up with the brilliant idea of putting it in a barbeque kettle, cook some hot dogs and inhale the smoke. There were too many neighbors around his house, so he came over here. Lighting the kettle of pot with bics didn’t work, so I squirted some 91% alcohol on it to get it going. Blowing out the flames and a little more got it going pretty good. The lid kept it all under control as needed. Clouds of smoke were billowing out and we got ridiculously high, hallucinating, and laughing at everything. I got some family and friends to come over and partake and everybody also got ridiculously high, laughing at everything. You could get the whole village high like this! The hot dogs came out a little burnt and covered in ash, but had a nice earthy taste. See attached picture. I call them Humboldt Smokies, soon to be at a store near you. The reason that I’m writing you, besides to pass on the brilliant idea is for the Famous Savage Henry Nightclub. If things ever get slow at the club, I’m sure that a kettle of pot will draw a crowd, who will also definitely get thirsty and be so high and giddy that they might even laugh at the jokes. People could donate to the kettle, or just hang, giving it a nice community feel. Sharing is caring and besides giving away pot is legal, right? If anybody says anything negative, just tell them that it’s a fog machine, for atmosphere. I can’t wait and will go to many shows. You’ll make a fortune, make the club even more famous, and have a full house, all the time! Your Faithful Fan, Eliot Smith

Lucy Castle, contributor

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

attitudes, Send your comments, props or whatever else. CA 95501 415 5th Street - Eureka, magazine.com submit@savagehenry lcome. All perspectives are we

Behind the Music

(Can I Say That? — I Totally Stole That)

hive c r A e h From t 2015 ♦ 7 6 Issue # Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler”: The Real Story About a Man Using Public Transportation On a warm summer's eve On a train bound for nowhere I met up with the gambler We were both too tired to sleep... It was a summer night and I was sitting at the bus shelter heading home with discreetly covered beer and out of nowhere Mr. Joe-Public-Transportation walks up out of nowhere with his freshly-peed pants and starts talking incoherently, and he said this, for real: "Son, I've made a life Out of readin' people's faces Knowin' what the cards were By the way they held their eyes So if you don't mind me sayin' I can see you're out of aces For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice” Mr. Pee-Pants wants a drink of my new beer. Great, like I’m open to catching Giardia by taking swigs after Mr. Pee-Pants. So I handed him my bottle And he drank down my last swallow Then he bummed a cigarette And asked me for a light... And his face lost all expression...

I gave the guy the rest of my beer thinking he would move on, but no. He asked if he could have a hit of my joint, which I also just resolved to hand over, then he wanted a light, so I handed him my lighter, which he then tried to keep. Then he asked if he could have a $1.65 for the bus, to which I didn’t respond. He just stood there looking at me, not saying anything, making me feel like an entitled jerk. He turned back toward the window Crushed out his cigarette Mr. Pee-Pants just stared at me, then took the joint I gave him, which was my last one, and put it out in the beer I just gave him. Who takes your last joint then wrecks in right in front of your face? WHO?! And faded off to sleep And somewhere in the darkness The gambler he broke even... He then settled in the corner, made himself comfortable, and passed out. Then I noticed his eyes were open, but something wasn’t right, so I tried to shake him. He had died. Mr. Pee-Pants had died right in front of me! I gave a dead man his last beer and joint and had refused to give him $1.65. So I put two dollars in his pocket along with my lighter and walked home.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Patreon is a super-cool way to support Savage Henry Magazine. Your small monthly donation buys the gas money that brings the mags to the streets and maybe a burrito for the guy or gal dropping them off. Check 14 out how it works online at patreon.com/savagehenrymagazine

If you can’t read, the only thing you can do is enjoy the pictures, not the whole story. Reading is the key to knowledge. Knowledge is the key to understanding. So read on, young man! Read on, young lady! - Mr. T.

The Other Missile Crisis

William Toblerone, contributor

Like a lot of other old former children, I was fascinated with Boba Fett the bounty hunter. I didn't really know what bounty meant back then, so I went around slashing at paper towels with a pocket knife. "Absorb this!” I would shout. I had it in my head that if I hunted down enough Bounty, I would eventually earn a sweet jetpack like my hero.

the president's nuking finger with a Boba missile, which made Carter decide it just wasn't worth it.

Even though he wasn't in the first movies for very long, he was extremely popular due to his sinister helmet and jiveass swagger. I'm guessing that Attack of the Clones was probably the best Star Wars movie because it had a lot of Boba Fett in it. I never actually saw it because "First Date" Cindy Medina gave me a mean Alanis Morissette during the opening credits, then I spent the next two hours sleeping it off in the theater. I'm sure it was great, though.

As Mark David Chapman was just about to shoot Yoko Ono, an errant toy projectile grazed his forehead, which turned his aim toward her husband.

While young Donald Trump was minding his own damn business, enjoying a cup of schnapps in an airport lounge, a passing child popped the back of his head with a Boba missile. He erroneously blamed the Mexican family in the booth behind him. Revenge was sworn.

An errant missile poked a small hole in Drake's father's condom, resulting in Drake.

I collected all of the merchandise associated with Boba. I kept a moldy container of Sargento Boba Feta cheese stashed in my drawer. I owned both versions of the Dildoba Fett marital aid. But the most valuable piece in my collection was the rare original action figure, which Kenner produced with a tiny spring-loaded missile attached to his back. This version was quickly recalled and replaced with a boring little missile that wouldn't move. I thought the company was being overcautious until I read about the incidents that led to the recall. Here's a partial list of the tragic accidents that convinced the Kenner toy company to act quickly: While Metallica was busy wasting everyone's time in a studio, a misfired Boba missile flew through the window, tragically pressing the record button. As a last act of office, Jimmy Carter was going to nuke Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, one of the kids on the Watch the President Nuke Pittsburgh Tour wounded

9 lolz 6 # m o Fr

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Issue #51 ♦ 2014

IrRashonAlFeErs

Dr. Holtz, contributor

It has come to this writer's attention that many out there are afraid, but of what, no one really knows exactly, except that you’re not going to let a stranger murder you. The other day, a perfect stranger complimented me. Did I thank them? No. Did I insult them? No. Did I silently fast-walk past, and give them an over the shoulder glance only to see them licking their ice cream cone and decidedly not murdering me? Yes.

Mostly I swab the

Did I overreact? One can never be too cautious. However, don’t treat anything in life so precious that you’re afraid to lose it. If you have the opportunity to talk to a stranger who compliments you on the street, maybe you should. Just don’t eat their ice cream, because it’s (probably) poisoned. Talk to them and you might be surprised at how little they try to murder you.*

toilet bowl for aliens.

Dr. Holtz, pictured

I check the toilet before I sit down. I’ve heard stories of rats, snakes, or even scorpions taking a chunk out of “all you hold dear” when you let your guard down. Of course, I live in a place where these creatures are fairly absent, but you can never be too sure. I’ve knocked out several non-poisonous spiders checking the bowl with a toilet brush, and one irate fire ant. I once kicked an ant pile, and missed an ant that crawled up my shorts. Its revenge was swift, but short-lived. Mostly I swab the toilet bowl for aliens. People have stories about how they were abducted, but why would aliens do that? If aliens are as smart and economical as I am (and they probably are), they wouldn’t waste resources beaming you up, probing and implanting a tracking device in you, then erase your memory. They’d wait until you were on the toilet, fire the tracking device through the plumbing, and time it just right so you think, “Ewww… that was a big splash,” but in reality, you’re keistering a tracking device now. Being alone after scary movies can be pretty scary, too. It seems silly, because that means you have the upward mobility to pay for a movie ticket, and afford your own apartment (or house!), which means you’ve already got most fears beat (where will I sleep/eat etc?), but still, one of the scariest things is taking a shower after a scary movie. Who knows what’s on the other side of the shower curtain? Scary.

*AUTHORS NOTE: I have tested this I theory only. If you are murdered, or a stranger makes an attempt, I cannot be held responsible.

IrRashonAl FeErs

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

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Flow Chart

Sarah Godlin, staff

Which hot dog ingredient are you?

#73

Baseball Cards or Spoke Beads Cards

Beads

Julie Andrews or Judy Garland Andrews

Precious Moments Figurines or Pewter Train set

Garland

OMG or WTF

OMG

Figurines

Trains Blacklight posters or African American light posters

Poison Oak or Poison Ivy

WTF

Oak

Muted grey tones or Muted taupe tones greys

Taupes

Ivy

Kettlebells or Kettle Chips

Tina Fey

bells

Pork Snout!

Dogs

Raccoons

Maltodextrin!

Corn Syrup!

You enjoy keeping that body in tip top shape! Have you been accused of being a Gym Rat!

Mechanically Separated Turkey! Do your friends ask you for computer help? You are a wiz with technology!

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Chips

Dogs with rabies or Raccoons with rabies

Who Cares?

Leave it to you to sniff out a problem and fix it! You are a natural born problem solver!!

African American light

Tina Fey or Tina Fey

Regional Championship or Who Cares Regionals

Blacklight

You are the kind hearted type! Your sweetness is known for miles around.

Sodium Nitrate!

Why beat around the bush? You always say what is on your mind. 19

Archive e h t From 2010 ♦ 1 Issue #

You might be a...

So this blatant Jeff Foxworthy rip-off looks likes it’s going to be regular thing in Savage Henry. So sit back, relax and make sure you don’t get resin from your fingertips on the pages. People might get the wrong idea if they grab the issue and find pages stuck together.

this issue it’s Grow-Hos.

You might be a grow-ho if your boyfriend bought your Forester with cash. You might be a grow-ho if your nickname is Samba Scissors. You might be a grow-ho if you take October through November off work for “family leave.” You might be a grow-ho if people frequently drop totes on your back porch. You might be a grow-ho if you buy totes in bulk. You might be a grow-ho if you apply for workers comp claim for the carpal tunnel you got from Fiskar-fingers. You might be a grow-ho if you know the Fiskars help-line phone number by heart. You might be a grow-ho if you have a running account at area “boutiques.” You might be a grow-ho if you open an area “boutique.” 20

You might be a grow-ho if you go get your Scuba certification in September

You might be a Grow-Ho...

for your vacation in December. You might be a grow-ho if your 4-year-old wears Danskos. You might be a grow-ho if your house has six rooms but all four of your kids sleep in the same room. You might be a grow-ho if Kevin Hoover has shown up at your house unannounced. You might be a grow-ho if the clerk at Ray’s in Willow Creek knows your first name. You might be a grow-ho if your only job tasks include getting beers and rubbing alcohol. You might be a grow-ho if you’ve applied for permits for a roadside stand near Willow Creek or Redway specializing in Fiskars, rubbing alcohol, turkey bags, kettle chips and Tecate. You might be a grow-ho if you buy turkey bags in bulk but you are a vegan. You might be a grow-ho if your Moon Pads have your initials on them.

You might be a grow-ho, check yourself. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

HamMocks: The oriGInal sEx swiNg

Issue #26

Paul Danke, contributor

Having sex in a hammock is a Summah tradition as old as hammocks themselves … as old as Summah flings and flip flops ... as old as The Skipper and Gilligan crashing the SS Minnow on some God forsaken island and sabotaging all rescue attempts just to keep their tropical hammock sex island a secret. Yes hammock sex is old and baby it is dangerous. Here are 5 Rules For Successful Hammock-sexing

1. If you are too drunk to get in the hammock together, just stop right there.

2. Avoid the flat canvas hammocks, they stain, and the cool factor just is not there. Look for a hammock with a tight-netting, those Costco large loping loop jobs are bad too, important body parts tend to “get caught.” 3. Let the lady, or recipient, be on top, having the man, or top-on-top, makes for a doozy of an angle of “entry.” (I’m sorry I didn’t know how else to put this, but it is quite important.)

Hammocks: The Original

4. Wait for a moonlit night but not TOO bright, day time is out too. After your tryst there will be weird rope lines all over your supple well sexed bodies and they can be quite unflattering. 5. There are no rules, you’re having sex like monkeys now, trust your instincts.

… and always remember, have fun and have a summah! 22

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The Rise and Fall of Munch’s Make Believe Band

Issue 88 Evan Vest, contributor

The early 90s saw the birth of a new era of alternative rock, and no other band encapsulated this experimental phase more than Munch's Make Believe Band. Getting their start in a grimey Chuck E. Cheese establishment in San Jose, CA, the Make Believe Band sought to reinvent the already vibrant animatronic rock movement made popular by the Rock-afire Explosion in the 1970s. "The Make Believe Band was taking the foundation Rock-afire had laid out and turned it on its ear," notes pizza music Historian Matt Redbeard, PHD. "They were definitely the animatronic rock band that scared your parents. Some of those shows were out of control."

While dominating the robotic pizza rock scene for several years, the band would go on to face issues of substance abuse that would plague the band in their final years. Charles Entertainment Cheese, animatronic mouse and long-time marijuana user, began experimenting heavily with LSD, leading to extended noise solos and ruining songs midconcert. Jasper T. Jowls, infamous cowboy dog, dealt with this through alcoholism, also severely degrading the quality of the live shows. The pizza party came to a close on February 3rd, 2003, when female chicken vocalist Helen Henny was found in her Malibu motel room, dead from overdose on prescription drugs, hours before a scheduled show. The band parted ways soon after, but their influence can still be felt today through other robot bands such as Daft Punk and the Black Keys.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

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Restaurant ReviewArchive

From the 2012 ♦ 5 2 # e u Iss

Clam Strips at Magic Garden

Nick Rutherford, contributor

While up in Portland recently, I was able to enjoy some fine local cuisine.

One favorite eatery I like to frequent is “Magic Garden.” They specialize in classic American dishes, punctuated by women showing their bare pussies and buttholes on stage. Usually at Garden, I will order Mama’s Chicken Noodle soup. Hearty pulled chicken. Perfectly cooked noodles. Tattoed tittys in my face. Delicious.

Restaurant Review

This recent trip however, I tried a new menu item: Fried Clams. And I’m not going out on a rock-hard limb here by saying they were clamtastic.

At first, I thought “Fried CLAMS? How inappropriate a food item!” I mean, there are literally SEVERAL variations of clams in the Pacific Northwest. Surely, a master chef in that region would seek out a more exotic protein on which to base a meal. But here at Magic Garden the Fried Clams WORK!

..the clams at Magic Garden were perfect. Young, juicy, hard on the outside, soft once you threw enough dollars onto

Maybe it’s the perfectly fried panko breading that locks in the clams salty moisture, or maybe it’s the sweet ‘dirty-ketchup’ dipping sauce, or perhaps the stage. it’s staring at tight buttholes and snatches that allows one a “who gives a fuck” attitude while jamming things in your mouth. Whatever the reason, the clams at Magic Garden were perfect. Young, juicy, hard on the outside, soft once you threw enough dollars onto the stage. Thanks again Magic Garden, I will continue to visit you on every trip to Portland. Not only for your Fried Clams, but for your Milk Shakes, beef tacos, and fur-burgers as well.

Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. We ain’t promising anything, but send it in. Throw in a picture or two for extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 415 5th Street, Eureka, CA 95501 ~ editor@savagehenrymagazine. com ~ or submit online @ savagehenrymagazine.com www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Broke Motherfucking Ricks Almanac

Josh Argyle, staff

ost historians will tell you that Poor Richard's Almanac was written and published by Benjamin Franklin. They will also tell you that it contains information about weather patterns, farming tips, and philosophic ramblings. However, most historians won’t tell you that, like most things in history, Benjamin Franklin stole this idea from a lesser-known farmer. Until recently this information was thought to be lost, but it is now uncovered and made public. We at Savage Henry Magazine present to you an excerpt from Broke Motherfucking Rick’s Almanac.

eather: When it is cloudy don’t wear a tank top. Seriously, you look like a tool. It is 55 degrees out and you can’t be bothered with sleeves? Get the fuck outta here! Every grown man wearing a tank top in cloudy weather looks like he’s going to or coming back from a crime. Either get some sleeves or steal a BMX bike and complete the outfit.

eather: Wear shorts! Like all the time! No matter what the weather. Some people will question your decision, but is there anything worse than on a rainy day having the cuffs of your jeans get wet? Not a problem in shorts. Shorts don’t have cuffs. Also, if you wear shorts you are always ready for a game of pickup basketball. No one likes the guy who plays in his jeans and plays D like a bitch.

arming: For the love of Christ, stop it with the zucchinis already. Zucchinis are just 3rdstring cucumbers. But what about zucchini bread? Zucchini bread stinks! It is the worst of all the vegetable and fruit breads. FuckMarry-Kill Pumpkin Bread, Banana Bread, and Zucchini Bread. If you said anything other than kill zucchini bread you are a goddamned liar.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

arming: Corn mazes are less fun than you think. Everyone loves a good corn maze until they are trapped in one. Then it is a nightmare. There is no dignified way as an adult to be lost in a corn maze. Your only choices are to let some snot-nosed 10-yearold kid named Parker or Devin lead you out to freedom, or you can try to convince someone that the world as descended into a nuclear wasteland and the only thing that makes sense in times like these is to have sex in a corn maze.

hilosophy: If a man is nicknamed “Cooter” he can fix anything in your house. If a man is nicknamed “Cooter” he can also steal everything in your house. Life is all about balance. Also maybe don’t give a guy named Cooter your address.

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A practical guide to:

Shrimp Cocktail Substitutes Sarah Godlin, staff

What do you call a half a dozen shrimp in a teetery thin glass with a spoonful of red sauce and and a lemon wedge? 11 bucks, usually. What do you call it when you replace those shrimp with legos? That’s art. Or a lawsuit. But an artistic one.

And the lemon wedge with a pair of Jessica Simpson brand flower power cork wedge sandals?

Sporty casual appetizer/ light lunch. How about replacing the red sauce with stardust?

Now that cocktail glass contains the stuff that dreams are made of. Let’s replace the glass with my aunt Cyndi. The whole thing seems ridiculous now.

From the Extreme Issue ♦ 2012

A practical guide to:

Shrimp Cocktail Substitutes

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

†

Duct tape this to something to remind people who you are.

#VOTER

#GHETTO

#FUCKYEAH

Three Sports that Should Go Pro...

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Three Sports that Should Go Pro... Elise “Lucy” Castle, contributor If you’re going to pursue an athletic career in order to garner million-dollar contracts, fame and sponsors, then you should follow your heart and do what stoked you out as a kid.The following sports have unfortunately fallen by the wayside, due to exorbitant insurance policies, too much time spent indoors, and straight-up old fartness. C’mon! Strap on your terrycloth headband and wristbands, take a big swig from the garden hose (avoiding the part with the dog poop on it), and press “Play” on your ghetto-blaster’s tape deck.

Big-Wheel Racing

For those of you who have never owned (or borrowed/stolen) a Big Wheel— sucks to be you. Basically, it’s a low-riding tricycle that was super-popular in the 1980’s, made out of hard molded plastic. If you were a bad-ass, you owned the “Green Machine”, which was green, mean and had a brake lever that when pulled would provide a powerful sideways slide. The best races started at the top of a suicidally steep hill, and the winner was the scabbed-up kid who made it to the bottom and through the four-way intersection. These machines would usually fade and crack and become dangerously brittle at the end of summer, which provided an explosion of plastic shards upon impact on a sidewalk curb. If you were lucky enough, your BigWheel would only wear through on the wheels, leaving holes that would gather gravel and make a nice, satisfying rumble as you rode around with your windows rolled down.

Cannon-Balling

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be large to create a big splash in the great sport of cannon-balling. My brother was a bean-pole, but he could rock a tsunami that would put out the cigarettes and water down the Diet Tab sodas of any poolside mother. It’s all in the heft and the angle of the trajectory. Run to the side of the pool, or to the end of the diving board or cliff, and jump as high as you can, while twisting your body to the side, and then grab your knees. It should result in a solid smack to your kidneys and ribs as you hit the water, sending an arc of water in a typhoon of grand proportions. The winner is the one who splashes the lifeguard enough to blow the whistle and yell at you to get out and knock it off.

Red-Rover

Sadly, this activity died in popularity decades ago, when the enormity and severity of the injuries became too much for schools to handle, even with a signed waiver. However, the healthy competition and cameraderie involved should be brought back to the forefront of contact sports. Split a team up into two groups. Each group links arms and faces each other across a stretch of pot-holed playing field. Then yell, at the top of your voice, “Red Rover, Red Rover, send insert name right over!” Whomever has been named runs like hell to what they consider to be the weakest link in the human chain, and tries to break through. If you don’t make it past the barricade, you join the chain. If you make it, you get to choose the kid with the beefy arms to join your side. So what if you get clothes-lined or your elbow gets hyperextended? Walk it off, bitches. The winner is the last one to bust through, and gets all kinds of bragging rights during lunch. If you have a legitimate interest in these sports, or have seen a recent resurgence in popularity, contact your local business and get them to sponsor you. And send me a team jersey. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Asshole Fashion

David Gborie, special contributor

To be completely honest I don't care much about fashion. To be completely honest I don't see the point. To be completely honest, people who wear excessively nice clothing irritate me to the core of my being. That being said, I do have some very stronghold beliefs on a few fashion items that, in my opinion, will always leave you looking like an asshole.

Backwards/Upside Down Visors I don't care how many fucking NSYNC videos you watched as a kid, or how bad you want the bros on your adult-league mini golf team to know you're a free spirit who doesn't conform to typical societal fashion constraints, TAKE IT THE FUCK OFF. You look like a sad dad trying to be hip for his adderral-addicted pre teen on his one custody weekend this month.

Tattoo Graphic T-shirts

I understand that your deep-seeded fear of needles keeps you from getting that Marvin the Martian tat you've always wanted, but putting on that full sleeved Ed Hardy thermal won't help that.

Excessive head/wrist sweat bands

Hey pistol Pete, you trying to win the NBA finals in 1974? Get outta here.

Yoga Pants

Carry on ladies.

V Neck T-shirts

A poor man's v-neck sweater.

The Fassion Issue

Vests outside of a three piece suit

Is it keeping you warm? Are you a magician? Do you run a poker game in an old timey saloon? Get real.

T-shirts from more than 12 years ago

None of us believe you actually went to that 98 Degrees show. We do however believe that at some point in the next month you will try to trade that shirt for meth.

Big Dog T-shirts

Asshole Fashion

You know you're not doing well when the fictional cartoon character on your shirt is dressed better than you are.

Anything with sequins

Just try to keep it in your pants Gary Glitter.

Button up shirts with Dragons on them

Thanks asshole. You've somehow ruined the coolest animal ever for everyone. Also you look like you smell bad.

Honorable Mentions:

Bluetooth headsets - Crystal necklaces - Fedora hats - Leather Hats - Candy Necklaces for adults - Non prescription eye glasses - Afro wigs on white people

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Make Toilet Fun Time! Have you become bored using the toilet in conventional ways? Are you looking to add a little excitement to your normal routine? Why just stand to piss or sit to shit when there are so many unexplored positions and options out there? Remember: do not attempt these at home. It’s much more fun to make a god-awful mess at someone else’s house.

Ben Allen, staff

THE UPPER DECKER

This is where you take off the toilet lid, rest your feet on the bowl and shit into the upper chamber of the toilet. You normally want to do this at the home of someone that you really despise, as it will eventually start to rot and fester and smell something awful. After dropping this one on an expectant victim, it’s fun to call them up the next day and say something like, “hey I was thinking about stopping by later, I think I left some shit at your house.” Then hang up.

THE A.C. SLATER

If you’re as big a fan of “Saved by the Bell” as I am, you know A.C. was a huge fan of sitting reverse in his seat. Whether grubbing down at The Max or in class at Bayside, A.C. would always swing the chair around backward, then plop on down. I’ve recently learned that if you’re feeling daring, you can rock this same technique on the toilet. The only extra hassle is that you have to take your pants all the way off to avoid making a mess. The upside is you can use the toilet’s lid as a table, arm rest, or a silky smooth surface for railing out cocaine.

THE DOG

This is a little more complex of a maneuver. First, you’ll want to put down a towel on the bathroom floor. Then, lay down completely on your side at around 3 to 4 feet from the toilet. Unzip, and let a strong surge of urine fly, seeing if you can make it all the way to the bowl. The key here is to really lift your leg high, doggy style. This can also be turned into a fun game with friends to see who can make it in from the most distance.

THE UPPER DECKER BLUMPKIN A.C. SLATER

Make Toilet Fun Time! www.savagehenrymagazine.com

This is the holy grail of all toilet positions. If you can pull this off, you’re a god in my eyes and will earn the designation “Shit King.” It takes a set of partners, so you better have a girl/boyfriend that is feeling a little “adventurous.” The male takes a crap in the top part of the toilet (upper decker) while carefully balancing (using the wall is always smart). The female does the A.C. Slater while performing oral on the aforementioned male. So, what we’re talking about here is simultaneous pooping with a little oral pleasure thrown in. Due to the indescribable foulness of this act, I doubt it’s ever been pulled off. 35

AXIOMS THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME Zack Newkirk, staff I’ve picked up a lot of knowledge accrued from mankind’s history over my many years on this Earth – mostly in the form of quotes I got in all my liberal arts classes in college, I think. I don’t really remember since I was usually asleep in the back of the room. I don’t know what it is about these famous sayings, but they just don’t seem right. The guys who wrote them were retarded, and people are stupid for repeating them all the time – at least, that’s what I think! Beer then liquor, you’re doing great. – Anon A bird in the hand is worth two stones and a bush. – Ovid Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw boxing matches. – Gandhi Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man question the existence of justice in this world. – Ben Franklin If God wanted us to be happy, He would have invented beer, or wine, or something. – Ben Franklin There once was a man from Nantucket. – Ben Franklin

Hey, would you mind rolling me over? I have to puke, thanks. – Jim Morrison Hey, could you make sure this shotgun isn’t loaded for me? I want to try something, thanks. – Kurt Cobain We the people, being of sound mind and body, with liberty and justice for all, do hereby submit our twoweek notice, effective March 28. We got a job at Bed, Bath and Beyond that has benefits, so, yeah... – Thomas Jefferson Abscess makes the heart stop working, and then full cardiac arrest and death follow. – Guy who thought maybe a little too much about abscess

Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers blah blah blah. – Abe Lincoln Yeah, I’ll be right there. What? No, I’m still in line. I’m still in line. About 20. I dunno. (pause) Did you A duck may be somebody’s mother. Wait, what was end up getting those pills? – Guy I was behind in the question? – Walt Whitman line for Captain America, which sucked by the way. Good-night, sweet prince; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. – Shakespeare. Or wait, maybe it was Cheech. That’s a Cheech quote, right? One of those two. Golf is a good walk boiled. – That fat guy who was the emperor of England in World War II, I forget his name. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. – Britney Spears Hey, could you roll me over? I gotta puke, thanks. – Jimi Hendrix

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Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Yellow snow, sailor take warning. – Jimmy Buffett The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. – Oscar Wilde, probably as he was banging some underaged kid.

rchive A e h t m o r F 2011 ♦ 9 1 # e u Iss 37

Proper Gun Safety

Issue # 45

Rob McManus, contributor

Hello, and congratulations on owning your very own gun! I believe it is the duty of all Americans, regardless of criminal history, to own a firearm. Owning a firearm ensures your family’s safety and also assures the immediate demise of any body or spirit entity wishing to inflict harm on said fam fam. But with great responsibility comes great responsibility. I think that is the correct expression.

Gun safety is vitally important. Always keep your firearm loaded, cocked, and aimed at your head. Just kidding, we gun nuts love to joke about gun safety. But seriously, always keep your gun pointed away from you or your pets, so if you have to point it at someone, point it at your own head. Just kidding, that’s another gun safety joke. Never load your gun prior to shooting. Just kidding, it has to be loaded if you want to shoot it. Put cat poop in the barrel of the gun. Just kidding, what would that do? Okay, let’s get serious: GUN SAFETY. Always cock the gun Photo by Dutch Savage with your cock. Just kidding, that was seriously the last joke. We gun nuts like to joke about gun safety because it’s not that important. That was another joke, sorry. I probably should get serious because proper gun safety can mean the difference between life and death. NOT! Just kidding, it does mean the difference between life and death. That was another joke. Okay I doubled that joke up but in all honesty saying gun safety is not important was a joke. But to be serious, gun safety is not a joke. (Yes it is. Just kidding!) So to get serious, never load the gun in the drive-thru at Wendy’s unless you want REALLY fast food! Good God, I need to stop joking about this. I have had more safety mishaps and injuries than everyone in my gun club.

But with great responsibility comes great responsibility.

we gun nuts love to joke about gun safety

Okay, safety tip one: always tip your waitresses because they might be packing a gun! THAT WAS THE LAST JOKE I’M GONNA MAKE. Phew! Okay, let’s get serious! Place the stock of the gun against your shoulder, but if it’s a gun that shoots celery, then you put the STALK against your shoulder. I think I’m having a panic attack. I don’t even own a gun. (Just kidding!) Alright, gun safety! Let’s do this! Always have the safety on! (just kidding! No I’m not, just kidding!) Okay, let’s get serious! Always (just kidding) place the (just kidding) gun in a locked (just kidding) box when traveling to (just kidding) the shooting range (just kidding). I’M JUST KIDDING I’M JUST KIDDING. What’s a gun? Just kidding, I know what a gun is. JUST KIDDING, I don’t know what a gun is. Just kidding, I grew up with guns. NOT!

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THE WORLD’S Issue #27 BIGGEST INSANE CLOWN POSSE FANS Chris Durant, staff - concept by Rob Seltzner

this is an unwarranted stereotype to The World’s Biggest Insane Clown PoSse members of the cult, er, I mean, fanbase. Fans Some of the world’s most respected and

If you don’t know what a Juggalo is, or are not familiar with the phenomenon that is the Insane Clown Posse, stop reading right now and Google that shit. Now, on with the piece.

People always describe Juggalo’s as white trash or trailer parkesque, but

QUEEN ELIZABETH

The part of her Diamond Jubilee that wasn’t aired on TV was the after party. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope rocked the stage until 5 a.m. The Queen hasn’t been able to drink Faygo since.

famous dignitaries and personalities can be found at a Gathering from time to time. Below is a list of some people you would have never guessed were Juggalos:

MAHATMA GHANDI

The man of peace when it came to his people, but drop him in a pit at a Gathering and watch the fuck out. He may only weigh 76 pounds, but when he gets going in the pit he’s like a hollow-point bullet.

HAILEE SELAISSE

Because the reggae musicians worshipped him as a God he felt obligated to like reggae. But late at night, in his room with no one around, he’d plug in his iPod and put on his make up and dance all over the royal chambers like a baboon being Tazed.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

Before his untimely death, Saddam was one of the biggest ICP fans on the planet. Rumor has it that the soldiers who found the spider hole he was hiding in were able to because they kept hearing “Miracles” playing over and over and over.

KOFI ANNAN

Now I wanna be a Juggalo... That’s how cool this cat is.

PANCHO VILLA

If he would have won it his way, this revolutionary would have had the band be called Loco Peyaso Partida.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC

This Serbian may be Number One in the tennis world, but number one in his heart is Shaggy 2 Dope

Savage Henry Distinguished Distributor

Places to grab Savage Henry Magazine for Free!

MANNY PACQUIAO

Say what you will about his last fight, robbed or not, there’s one thing the judges can’t take from him...his love of ICP. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

1796 Ashland Street - Ashland (541) 482-9253 41

Our Own Savage Henry Pizza Tips!

Jane Malone, contributor

Did you get conned into making dinner for your albatross of a family yet again? We’ve got six easy tips for making sure that even the easiest meal is heaped with a smothering of shame, just like Mom used to serve! 1. Make sure they know how long this project took. “Dinner doesn’t just appear by magic.” Say this with a sigh and repeatedly, as you roll out the pre-made dough into a vague circle. Really work up a sweat rolling the dough out, and make sure to get flour absolutely everywhere. If you’re not wearing it, you’ll lose credibility. 2. If you can cry tears of self-pity into the sauce, it adds to the salt flavor. Your marinara isn’t the same without the sadness of at least one broken-hearted woman. If you can get Grandma to weep, those tears are by far the most flavorful. 3. The quality of the cheese is important, so make sure that you’re ready to bear this kind of financial burden for your family. In Italy, they often will give up a family member as opposed to lowering the quality of the cheese used in the main meal. (Make sure to look each family member in the eye, as you slowly repeat this fact. Let them feel you weighing your choices.) 4. If you purchased toppings, make sure to keep an itemized count of who ate which. Splitting the check for the entire party is easier when you know how many pepperonis your jerk of a son picked off his slice and discarded under the dinner table. They’re 17 cents each, Kevin, you douchebag. I know you’re six, but Jesus. 5. When slicing the pie always run your finger over with the slicer, just enough to bleed slightly. This lets your family know that you’re willing to get down and dirty for their well-being. It also reminds them that you’re willing to cut people if the dinner dishes take too long. 6. Make sure to layer the guilt in the pizza. Not unlike lasagna, you’ll need to support the unending nagging with a good foundation of self-loathing and low self-esteem. This insures that even when you’re physically absent your ongoing mental abuse will perpetuate on in the psyche of your loved ones!

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Breaking Smurfs

Issue #80 ♦ 2017

Poopison Rose, contributor

Open on Badger Smurf sitting on a park bench. Snitchy Smurf sits next to Badger Smurf. Snitchy Smurf: You got any of that blue stuff? Badger Smurf: I don't know if I can trust you, Snitchy Smurf. Snitchy Smurf: C'mon, man, I'm just looking to get smurfed up. Badger Smurf: All right, Snitchy, I guess I trust you. Let's get smurfed. Smurfette jumps out from behind a smurfberry bush. Smurfette: You're under arrest! Cut to Smurf Goodman's office. Papa Smurf and Captain Smurf sit in front of his desk. Smurf Goodman: Good news! Badger Smurf will be out in no time. Just as soon as he talks to the SDA. Papa Smurf: SDA? The Smurf Drug Administration? Smurf Goodman: Yeah, he got mixed up with some bad smurfs.

watches from a car nearby. Captain and Papa Smurf watch from behind a smurfberry bush. Papa Smurf: I hope this smurfs out. Captain Smurf: Me too, things haven't really been going my way since my smurffriend oversmurfed on smurfoine.

Papa Smurf: What if we just had him smurfed?

Badger Smurf walks up to the bench but sits at the wrong bench.

Captain Smurf: We can't smurf him, yo! He's my smurf!

Papa Smurf: Oh SMURF!

Papa Smurf: I don't know, that's not a bad smurf...

Captain Smurf: We gotta smurf something!

Smurf Goodman: Okay, if a good smurfing is off the table, have you guys heard of Prison Smurf?

Papa Smurf: Okay, I got a smurf. You smurf up and smurf in the smurf, and I'll smurf in smurfinsmurf.

Papa Smurf: Prison Smurf? I don't have time for this. I'm smurfing of stage 4 smurfinal lung smurfer.

Captain Smurf: I literally couldn't follow any of that.

Smurf Goodman: Smurf me out. He's the smurf that goes to prison. He loves going to prison and getting smurfed in the smurf.

Papa Smurf walks up to Smurfette.

Papa Smurf: Let's smurf it. Set up a deal. Cut to the insmurfigation room. Badger Smurf sits behind a desk with Smurf Goodman and Smurfette. Smurfette: You're going to jail unless you give us the head Smurf. Badger Smurf: All right, all right. I'll smurf. His name is Smurfenberg.

Papa Smurf: Just smurf it! Papa Smurf: Smurfette, I thought I saw you. What are you smurfin'? Smurfette: Papa Smurf, get out of the way! Papa Smurf: What? Are you smurfing here? Smurfette tries to see around Papa Smurf as Captain Smurf walks up to Badger Smurf. Captain Smurf: Wrong bench, you smurf! Badger Smurf: Oh, smurf!

Smurfette: Smurfenberg, huh? Sounds like a real piece of Smurf.

Badger Smurf moves to the right bench.

Smurf Goodman: So we got a deal. He gives you Smurfenberg, and he doesn't get smurfed in prison.

Papa Smurf: Okay, okay. Don't get your smurfs in a smurf.

Smurfette: Let's smurf on it. Smurf Goodman: Oh gross, what? Smurfette: Oh, I meant, like, shake. Smurf Goodman: Oh, yeah, no. I thought you meant something else. Cut to Prison Smurf sitting on a park bench. Smurfette www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Smurfette: Seriously, Papa Smurf, we can smurf later. Papa Smurf leaves. Prison Smurf: You got that blue stuff? Badger Smurf: Stuff? You mean smurf? Prison Smurf: Just smurf it over. Smurfette hops out of the car and arrests Prison Smurf. Papa Smurf and Captain Smurf high-smurf. Everybody's happy. The End. 45

The Absinthe Minded Professor’s Guide to New Drinks

Marshall Boyett, mixologist

Editor’s note: If you read Savage Henry, you’re probably pretty hip. So when we sought to provide you a hip (and paid-for) syndicated column, we decided that the Absinthe Minded Professor’s Guide to New Drinks was the one. So sit back and soak up, then try to stump your local bartender with these concoctions.

Strawberry Shortcake

Three parts Seagram’s 7 and four parts Safewaybrand strawberry soda. Over ice in a tumbler.

Southern Baptist

Sun tea with a generous amount of peach schnapps. Over ice in a highball glass.

Tropical Trailer Park The Grape Crusader

Pabst Blue Ribbon, with splashes of pineapple, peach and passion fruit juice. In a pint glass.

Six parts church wine and a splash of grape juice. In a rocks glass.

Issue #5 ♦ 2 010

es v i h c e Ar 2016 h t From #80 ♦ e Issu

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What Your Car Says About Your Dick*

Adam Jacobs, contributor

I'm rich, we all know it, I drive nice cars and have expensive things, but what can you tell about my penis from the vehicles I drive? If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that my awesome car totally makes up for the fact that I have a micropenis.

Convertible

Oh boy, this guy’s dick* is fuuuuuucked up. It's like a grenade went off in your crotch. If you see a guy sad enough to have a convertible, he's not only bald up top, the carpet matches the drapes, too. His pubes were most likely burnt off in the explosion. Much like a 4th of July nightmare, his dick resembles a horrible firecracker accident.

Mercedes or BMW

Small dick* but also crooked like a crazy straw. If you see me driving a BMW or Mercedes then it's safe to assume that I can pee inside my own butt. I can't have a personality with German engineering.

Honda or Toyota

Normal sized dick* but not an attractive penis. If you see me driving a Honda or Toyota it's a good bet that my penis also has a cute name, like Peter or Captain McStuffin. It may not be pretty but it gets the job done, just like my reliable mode of transportation.

Van or SUV

This guy has a thick, stumpy dick*. If he's driving a van or SUV then his dick works fine but looks so odd he is nervous to show it off. His car may be able to fit a lot of people but his wang will never satisfy even one.

Pickup Truck

Thin dick* with a weird head. You see a guy driving a pickup; I can guarantee his dingdong will fit into a pencil sharpener, which explains the pointy end. The larger truck tires are proportionately related to the size of his balls. Larger tires = Larger balls.

Porsche or Corvette

Your ding-dong* resembles a gross and slimy garden slug. I would stay clear of salty foods to keep your flaccid donger from withering any smaller. Also, if the car is painted yellow then one or both of his testicles are missing.

Lamborghini

Penis* is non-existent or the size of three Tic-Tacs stacked together. This is the ultimate in penis compensation; the fact that you need a quarter million dollar vehicle to distract women from the train wreck in your pants is depressing. You should document your penis for the Smithsonian Institute so future children can see the mysterious Lambo-peen. This is the one instance where the personality is actually smaller than the penis.

Guys a car may help you get laid a few times but it will never solve the problem in your pants. Women, please understand that we buy these cars to impress you when all we really need to do is listen better and buy you clothing. We all know women be shoppin' and men be compensatin'. *for women replace penis with clit.

The Rich I ssue ♦ # 75

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Redbeard Ruminations

Matt Redbeard, contributor

From the A rchives Issue #86 ♦ 2015

They want us to believe that "Earth" is round but not flat, but, like, pancakes are round and flat. Right in our faces.

Finding constellations is hella easy. Look, a square.

"Let's play basketball in the Matterhorn again tonight." - Neil Armstrong's last words on the moon.

NASA stand s for Nixon Ate Soapy Armpits.

My mom says my cousin is a Meteor Maid. I still don't know what that means.

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HAIKUS ABOUT HUMBOLDT 俳句 Zack Newkirk, staff

Eureka Industrial smoke Over hard-working white trash Pittsburgh by the sea

Arcata Hipsters and hippies Battle over the turf where A college once stood

McKinleyville Growing like a weed Move here for the tract housing Hope you like white folks

Kneeland Miles of uphill road Unkempt mansions left and right Much pot is grown here

Fieldbrook Beautiful hillside Mountain crest, forest and glade Secret home of Klan

Garberville Weed weed weed weed weed Weed weed weed weed weed weed weed Weed weed weed weed weed

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Blue Lake Shiny casino Old-fashioned bowling alley But no lake in sight

Hoopa Arid climate sends A message to the oppressed: You’re welcome for land

Trinidad Massive sea-side head Animals, rocks, trees, beach, streams A million a house

Ferndale For town that relies So much on tourist dollars Shops closed on Sundays?

Fortuna Population edge No ghost town vibes, yet football team pales to Ferndale

#3 e u s s I From 53

Hours Sun - Wed 11 - 9 Thur - Sat 11 - 10 54

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Financial Advice Column

Scott Bowser, contributor

Trump Lifestyle on a Bernie Budget

Look around America there is a penny to be saved for every drop of blood. Let's not set our sights on a garbage pile and use our laser beam hatred to set it on fire. Instead let's save a few bucks and try and live a Trump Lifestyle on a Bernie Budget. 1) Turns out every credit company alive will give you two late payments a year with no charge (even for DraftKings). All it requires is placing a phone call. Sit through the circus they call customer service, and when you finally talk to something that sounds like it has a pulse, simply state you’d like the late fee waived because you will make the minimum payment next month. You get two a year and if you can talk well, maybe more. (If you can talk your way into more than the two freebies, consider selling stock in a boiler room operation.)

2) Everyone must eat to sustain his or her pathetic existence. Check your local circulars. Depending on your personal diet preferences and a couple key ingredients you can have a TV chef in your living room each meal. a) get some pesto b) buy every spice at the Dollar Store c) figure out the sale each week locally d) start calling yourself a TV chef I just spelled it out. Pesto+spices+veggie/ meat deals means you eat a gourmet life as long as you can still use Google and snatch the recipes your heart desires. Even if you’re down to grilling dried dogshit you will have some fundamental items to make a feast fit for an owner of shitty hotels.

3) Happy Hour isn’t for sad people. Every town has an app that lets you know about every special within your GPS distance. Also every chain place has an app so get it and reap all the perks. If you’re a tech nerd reading this you probably worked on the fucking app. 4) Have some self respect. Best way to save money and build for your future is believe in yourself and set goals. Look, it works for dipshit candidates, and I know you’re better than that.

Archives ♦ 2016

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Bud Time’s Review Time

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors

Humboldt Organic Gardens “Cali Sour”

Evan: Don’t let the name fool you, the Cali Sour from Humboldt Organic Gardens is pretty sweet. To be honest, I don’t remember much about the strain because it was THAT good. Not remembering is sweet, right? Remember that Jim Carrey movie where his ex-girlfriend wipes her memory of dating him? She must’ve been sour. Cali Sour is another great strain from the HOG that I definitely recommend. 10 Wiped Memories Out Of Wait Wha?

Matt: Cali sour is this dope, funk packed nugget of straight up acidic diesel doj. The smoke gives you that nostril burn that makes you remember why you wanted to get woke to begin with. This shit will make ur third eye water like a mother fucker. 420 Greasy Lawn Darts

From the A rchives Issue #86 ♦ Weird

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Pervert

SUUNS

Touched By An Angel

Hold/Still Dutch Savage, staff

From back in #

Andrea Bartunek, contributor

This sounds like all of the other bands that sound like this. Fuzzy and fast, pseudo-monster growling, shrieking vocals stirring an audible mess.

Hold/Still by SUUNS is like jumping into a hot tub filled with bubble wrap. That’s the weirdest analogy I have ever made, but I’ll stick to it. It seems like that would feel good.

It reminds me of Spazz, and all of the other bands that sound like Spazz. My favorite song is “God Has No Dick,” as it is the shortest at a mere 18 seconds, and consists mostly of fart sounds. Other songs have funny titles like “Beer Shits,” “Hang A Salami,” and “Fornicator.”

I tried to play it in the store where I work, and one woman said, “This is weird music.” She’s right, but you need to have an appreciation for weird to love it. I have an appreciation for weird. This is their third album and I’ll be listening to their previous output. My favorite track from this Canadian band (pronounced soons and is Thai for zeros) is “UN-NO,” which really makes you feel stoned.

By now I have heard fifty million bands like this, and I am sure a live performance would be at least a fun(ny) experience. If you like Spazz or are a spazz you might like this. I am almost 40.

I’m not saying that you have to be on drugs to enjoy this music, but it does help. Eat a brownie and get your groove on. And by groove, I mean meditative state of consciousness, because this is some trippy shit.

Rating: 6 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Ben’s 10

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD READ _ CHECK SO ME NEW TUNES BRU H :)

Volume CVII: Great Albums of 2019 Ben Allen, music editor 1. Bill Callahan - "Shepherd in a Sheepskin Vest"

On his first proper record in six years, Bill Callahan offers up quite possibly the best album of his career. He's settled into a life of domestic bliss, and these sentiments are beautifully reproduced in his trademark deep, soothing voice. The arrangements are subtle, stark and perfectly minimalist in their approach. 2. Wilco - "Ode to Joy"

After a pair of solo albums and an autobiography, Jeff Tweedy and his group return with a somber, reflective record. Most of the tracks find the band appropriately intertwining quieter moments with occasional atonal noise, freak-outs. 3. Vampire Weekend - "Father of the Bride"

"Father of the Bride" is the recording I listened to more than any other this past year. It's been nominated for the grammy for "album of the year." Despite the departure of multi-instrumentalist Rostam Batmanglij and a large gap since their last record, "FOTB" delivers. Frontman Ezra Koening crafts undeniably catchy pop tunes. The influence of jam band greats are evident in tracks like "Harmony Hall," liberating the band to explore sonic texture. 4. Purple Mountains - “Purple Mountains”

Tragically, Purple Mountains' self-titled debut was the last musical will and testament of David Berman. The musician / poet took his own life only a month after its release. With lines like "the dead know what they're doing when they leave this world behind," and song titles such as "All My Happiness is Gone" and "Darkness and Cold," it was pretty obvious Berman was in a dark place. Berman's trademark wit and lyrical cynicism are prevalent throughout and the production stands with some of the best in his career. Listen to "Snow is Falling in Manhattan" and cherish these precious last sentiments of a troubled artist. 62

5. Benaldo Rivaldi - "Self-Titled"

Humboldt resident and talented musician and artist Benny Wright released his solo debut this past year. The songs are quietly presented with an abundance of acoustic guitar and Wright´s yearning, passionate vocal approach. "Self-Titled" is an instantly infectious, sincere recording by an incredibly gifted songwriter. The lyrics on tracks such as "The Quietest Train" paint amazingly vivid narratives, entrancing the listener. It's a shame that artists as talented as Rivaldi toil in relative obscurity when their creative gifts could be enjoyed by many. 6. Gregory Bortnichak - "Locution"

Sparse and passionate in its arrangement, the solo debut by Gregory Bortnichak is a deeply entrancing wonder. Look for his cello-centered cover of Bruce Springsteen´s "I'm on Fire" as a starting point. 7. Thurston Moore - "Spirit Council"

"Spirit Council" beautifully combines Moore's penchant for noisy weirdness with his more structured song-based arrangements. While the three tracks could have benefitted from a bit of editing, it's a joy to hear Moore and his group indulge in improvisational magic. 8. Duster - "Duster"

Twenty years after their last release, the California slowcore band gloriously picks up right where they left off. The songs quietly morph and grow, never in a hurry to get to their destination. The vocals often remain buried in the mix, perfectly highlighting the group’s musical virtuosity. 9. Thom Yorke - "Anima"

The Radiohead frontman´s latest release indulges in his fondness for electronic dance beats. Of course this is Yorke, so there's also plenty of moments of somber introspection. It's his best solo release to date and an instant classic. 10. Kim Gordon - "No Home Record"

The former Sonic Youth bassist finally gets around to releasing her first proper solo record, and it does not disappoint. Gordon´s affinity for adventurous arrangements and new musical paths are all highlighted here. At times, it's a ferocious, sexy beast and at others a glorious exploration of all things noise. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Forget Jesus… What About Greg? Cornell Reid, staff * From the New Testament Issue Somewhere Between 1 BC - 1 AD Everyone these days is going crazy for this Jesus character. I get that you think he’s the son of God or whatever, but to me he’s just not that cool. He’s kind of a dork. What about my boy Greg? Now that guy rocks. One time he burped and farted at the same time so loud, I swear, it woke up half of Bethlehem. How funny is that? Everyone was like “What was that sound? Was that God? Is he angry?” Then they were all, “Whoa, what’s that smell? Is it raining frogs again?” Man, Greg and I laughed so freaking hard when that happened! Sure Jesus turned water into wine, but then he hardly drank any of it! I think he poured himself a glass, had 2 sips and set it down! Seriously, that’s pretty weak dude. C’mon, stop fucking around and get drunk like the rest of us. I mean the life expectancy of our people is 22, we don’t have time to leave wounded soldiers (half full wine cups) on the battlefield (party)! Greg, on the other hand, REALLY put down some wine at that party. He turned a funnel and a hose into something called a “wine bong” and chugged at least three gallons of Jesus’s wine. It was so funny, he was trying to hit on Rebecca, but she was getting all offended. He finally talked to her long enough that he kinda seduced her and right when he leaned in for a kiss he puked all over her. I mean, has Jesus ever done something so hilarious? What it comes down to is I’m not down to worship someone who won’t even really party with me. Like what kind of bullshit is that? Have you noticed how Jesus hasn’t taught ANY of us to walk on water? Um, that would be super useful to the rest of us, dude! Greg, on the other hand, taught all of us how to hide a boner, which is incredibly hard to do in a robe. I mean I could see how that would be easy if you had some sort of band around your waist to stick said boner in, but we just have a dang robe! That’s an incredible discovery Greg made!

(Only known picture of Greg)

Lastly, I don’t think Jesus looks cool with that dumb beard and long hair. He’s trying to look all pretty and his gowns never have stains on them, it’s like is he really washing them in the same river as everyone else? By the way, notice how I said “gowns?” As in multiple gowns? [What a rich jerk! Greg’s gown (yeah, he only has one gown like the rest of us) looks just like ours, stains on the front and a WHOLE lot of stains on the back. Plus his hair looks bad ass! It’s all braided into a bunch of super tiny braids and that tiny little bit of facial hair right under his lips is radical, too. Did you guys know right after Jesus said “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone” Greg pantsed him? Hahaha classic Greg! Basically what I’m saying is I really don’t think this whole Jesus worship thing is gonna catch on. If you think about it, he’s kinda a douche and so is his dad. I mean God really killed those kick ass parties at Sodom & Gomorrah. Pretty weak, dude.

Greg, on the other hand, really knows how to party. I love you Greg! You’re my bro, dude!

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

The Savage Henry Hill Name Generator

The Savage Henry Hill Name Generator When working on The Hill, from boss to lowly trimmer, everyone has a nickname. Call it a security measure or a fun way to razz your colleagues, nicknames are part of the scene. We here at Savage Henry have paid a think tank in Bismarck, North Dakota a lot of money to come up with a way to generate a “Hill Name” and we’d love to share it with all those who have yet to be deemed worthy of a nickname by the Hill Gods. You will need at least one die. Roll the die once and this is your first name of your nickname. If you roll a:

#30 ♦ 2012

1 - a bodily function 2 - your real job 3 - a color 4 - what you ate for breakfast 5 - the state you’re originally from 6 - a number

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Roll the die again and this is the last name of your hill name. If you roll a: 1 - a food item 2 - your real last name 3 - nothing (you’re like a Brazilian soccer star or a supermodel, with one name) 4 - a bird 5 - McGee - that’s it, just the last name Mcgee 6 - an article of clothing

Issue #30 ♦ 2013

Poop Taco's Krafty Korner When you require a tall boy but only regular sized boys are present, you can create your own and remedy your dire situation! Let Uncle Poop show you how, with help from Sarah. You will need these things: 2 regular size beers 1 roll duct tape (Sarah chose pink because she's a stupid girl and I don't think she's taking this seriously.) 1 automotive or extra long screwdriver 1 hammer

The Hill Tall Boy A) Wipe your beers off with your filthy shirt. If the beers are moist you will get beer all over your already disgustingly dirty shirt. B) Stack beers so that the openings line up. This part is important, dipshit. C) Duct tape around the middle. Use a lot, not like Sarah and her super gay tape job. C) Open your top beer with your ridiculously dingy thumb. D) Stick your screwdriver into the top beer and pound swiftly using your hammer.

ENJOY, FARTFACE! YOUR VERY OWN HILL-MADE TALLBOY. The tallness of your boy is only limited to the length of your screwdriver GONUTZ. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Fro Iss

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MusicianswithDrugandAlcoholIssues

Ben Allen, music editor

ives h c r A e h om t 2012 ♦ 5 2 # e su

Jimi Hendrix We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as he tragically passed away at the age of 27.

Jim Morrison We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as he tragically passed away at the age of 27.

Janis Joplin We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as she tragically passed away at the age of 27.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

Kurt Cobain We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as he tragically passed away at the age of 27.

Brian Jones We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as he tragically passed away at the age of 27.

Amy Winehouse We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as she tragically passed away at the age of 27.

Robert Johnson We’ll never know the full extent of this promising young musician’s potential as he tragically passed away at the age of 27.

Palindrome of the Month

RACE FAST SAFE CAR

Cookbook Review

back in the 2017s

Michel Sargent, contributor

High!!! The Nun's Guide To Psychedelic Cooking by Sister Irene O'Connor is your demented trip through the heavenly surreal kitchen of delirious smells, tie-dyed habits, and melting crosses. I picked out a couple favorites for your own mind-trip down the roasted beaver-hole to oblivion, but with a superior deity’s special sauce.

White Cheddar LSD Popcorn with Essence of Bacon

This subtle yet delicious recipe requires the purchasing and cooking of bacon, while saving the grease in a container for further use. I learned about this trick as a kid one day when I reached into the refrigerator for some delicious-looking frosting. Boy, was I surprised! 3 tablespoons bacon grease (most vegetable oils can be substituted for the porcine-phobic) 2/3 cup popcorn Melted butter (Ganj-optional) to taste White cheddar or other flavor powdered cheese (stolen from boxes of mac 'n' cheese*) to taste Other herbs or spices (chili powder, rosemary, lemon pepper, yeast infection, etc.) to taste Pink Himalayan LSD salt (scraped from the sweaty bottoms of tripping Buddhist monks) to taste and endurance. Try sprinkling crushed LSD sugar cubes for that salty-sweet experience. Heat oil in a large, lidded cooking pot. Toss kernels into the warming oil and keep the pot rotating above the flame or grill until you no longer hear popping. Carefully pour into a paper bag, then add melted butter, salt, cheese powder, drugs, spices, and shake. Try crumbling a little bacon and DMT Maple Syrup (chapter 66 verse 6, no no, ha ha ha, what!?) into the simmering melted butter for an extra maple-bacon flavor burst. Serves three to four squares or two stoners (if you eliminate the drugs) or approximately 1 popped kernel per experience. *See "Noodles & Psilocybin" chapter for macaroni ideas.

Ayahuasca Glazed Giant Beaver with Peyote Kraut Stuffing

Soak beaver in a vat of salted, prepared Ayahuasca brew for two days in a cool dry place. You can then freeze the beaver until hungry for that hairy treat. Sauerkraut: Buy one-pound bag of Sauerkraut. Simmer in its juices with chopped peyote buttons "for 20" minutes then add grated potato, a chopped apple, a sliced onion, 2 julienned carrots, and stuff inside the prepared moist beaver. Preheat oven to medium well. Use a 13" x 9" x 2" pan and place the stuffed beaver in it, add salt and pepper, and let the beaver stew in its own juices for 8 hours. Basting is unnecessary for the lovely glaze. Suggested serving size is approximately 1 small bite per dose, so this makes an excellent Carnival party animal. 13 out of 2 LSD Shakers equals bedlam in the sanctum www.savagehenrymagazine.com

a r E G D A O

MANPIADMEOH-MY-FUCKING-GOD

The Angry Driver, Contributor

While Buddhists and others have mantras (those little chanted phrases which could never help your fucked mind) drivers have none of their own. So here are 10 Driver’s Mantras, things that St. Christopher, the patron saint of motorists, probably would have chanted. At least, before he was decapitated in that horrific mule cart accident in 1673. Poor bastard.

1)PeopleDriveLikeShit!Remembertorepeatthisanytime someone is being a dumbass on the road. By keeping this in mind at all times, you can avoid the initial spark that becomes the inferno of rage.

2)NoOneIsPayingAttention.Whenevershit-for-brains people start trying to crash into you or are driving erratically, this is usually the cause. Repeat three times for each swerving car you encounter.

3)EveryoneDrivesWorseThanMe.Thisnormallygoes without saying, but if uttered, it must always be followed by #4:

could be if you got behind the wheel. No, THINK. There ya go. Chant this a couple of times if you can remember it.

8)ACarIsMoreDangerousThanAGun.Repeatthisuntilthe

words no longer make sense. Then ask yourself, would I play .It’strue,douchebag, Russian Roulette in public with complete strangers? And why is this gun in my hand? but in turn it must be followed with #3 if uttered. The two are like yin and yang, you yo-yo.

4)EveryoneDrivesBetterThanMe

5)It’sAFuckingJungleOutThere.Thingscanget fucking hairy on the road very fucking quickly. If you whisper this fucking mantra to yourself, you may just turn your fear into something much more fucking satisfying: Rage.

9)SurvivalIsTheGoalOfDriving.SafeArrivalIsA Bonus. The mode of transportation most likely to kill you is the automobile. Your main priority while driving, then, is to simply not die. It is only due to blind luck if you got where you were going not just alive, but unscathed.

6)MirrorsAreNotJustShinyThingsAttachedToMyCar. 10)EveryoneElseWillMakeMeLateNoMatterHowEarlyILeave. Look carefully — you will see that they show you a small, real-time view of what’s behind you. It’s really nifty, right? Now get the fuck out of my way, asshole.

It’s only when you are on a schedule that traffic will go unusually slow. Leaving early only increases the time behind the wheel, since you will arrive late no matter what. Don’t be a dickhead and expect to get anywhere on time. Ever. Rightnowyouare The Angry Driver drives thousands of miles a year locally unbelievably stupid. But just think how much more stupid you in his day job and sees every goddamn day how fucking shitty all you assholes drive. Chant him some hate mail at: theangrydriver@savagehenrymagazine.com

7)PeopleGetDumberWhenTheyDrive.

Tip me back over...

www.savagehenrymagazine.com

2010 ♦ e v i h Arc

Madame Specifica’s Monthly Predictions A ries March 20 - April 20

You will go home for Thanksgiving and your brother will have some big news. I don’t want to spoil this one for ya. Shit Howdy, this is going to be good. At least I’m laughing.

Taurus April 20 - May 21

It’s been a while since you have been out so you plan an evening of bar hopping with your drunkest friend. You end up in the corner googling cures for heartburn on your phone while your friend screws someone in your car. You could have been home watching Quantum Leap on DVD.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your epiphany this month will be life-changing. It will go something like this: “HOLY SHIT! Screw this stupid curbside business. If I let my beer cans pile up then I take them to the recycling center I can buy more beer and THAT is a purer form of recycling.”

C ancer June 21 - July 22

Do you remember how I warned you about how last-minute and crappy your Halloween costume would be? See how true that was? Maybe you had better heed my warning and start your Christmas shopping as soon as you are done reading this magazine. Gifts actually are the measure of your love.

Leo July 22 - August 23

You will find your dog cowering under a bed this month. She will spend a lot of time there with her tail between her legs until you figure out that she’s scared of the shotgun app that you play with incessantly. Put the phone down and no one will get hurt.

Virgo August 23 - September 23

Your house will be broken in to and your computer is stolen. Your first thought is about how mad your guild will be that you won’t be logging on anytime soon. Seek help for your problem, then file a police report. Libra September 23 - October 23 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

You try the foot-long chili dog at L+M Burger Bar because it made it into the NCJ’s “Best of Humboldt” issue. The dog disappoints. This makes you sad and you pity your whole community.

Scorpio October 23 - November 22

You get up bright and early and start driving south on 101. By the time you get to Miranda, you’ve completely forgotten where you were going or why. You get off the highway in Garberville, check your phone messages and call a couple of people. Completely unable to remember your quest, you get on 101 northbound and go home. Your fear of early onset Alzheimer’s will prevent you from mentioning it to anyone.

Sagittarius November 22-December 22

That neighbor you have a restraining order against has been quiet. Too quiet. Be careful; more psychos crack around the holidays than any other time of year.

C apricorn December 22 - January 20

Later in the month you will drop your car keys and spend two hours trying to fish them out of a drain-grate with a coat hanger before you are nicked by a Toyota Corolla. When you get out of the hospital, you will find that someone has stolen your car.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You forget to turn off the coffee maker before you went to work. When you come home you find a quarter-inch of acrid tar at the bottom of your carafe. For minimal financial gain you may take this to the Eureka Waterfront and sell it as heroin.

Pisces February 18 - March 20

This month someone mistakes you for someone else. You know the person they thought you were. That person is uglier, older and fatter than you. You do your best not to let on how hurt you are, but you will carry a grudge against that person for the rest of your life. 77

SAVAG E H EN RY

U P C O MIN G

E V EN T S www.savagehenrymagazine.com FB: Savage Henry Independent Times

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77 81

“The oatmeal makes their turds soft.” - Walmart “Yeah, but that’s when it’s your own shit...” - dude to a lady on the trail to Elk Head, Trinidad, CA “I used to be a ball puncher.” - Lady bartender at The Shanty

"I'm not dumb... I went by your fron t yard.... You better give me back my nativity set and my Uncles electri c wheelchair or I'm going beat the shit out of ya!" - Eureka Rite Aid

“Shit, I can’t take acid right now, I gotta return the UHAUL.” - unknown "I thought I was sober e, onc till I fell out of the bean I ate this moldy sandwich bag chair..." because I thought it was some - North Auburn special bread. Like, artisan. "Life is just simpler

EavesDroppings

- Grass Valley

“It’s called cannabis. Not cannotabis.” - An optimistic stoner

“It got weird? It got weird is the story of my life.” - back patio of The Alibi

after you fry balls." - Redding Sk8 Park

“Nobody stands in my cock shade. Nobody.” - Guy yelling at coopers Bar in Nevada City

“This friend of m ine, I guess I should say this guy I know, hi s girlfriend looks ju st like this midget.’ - Missing Link Rec ords

G-1: "So he was like 'I need a rebound, I went “The thing is, you can’t jerk off through all the girls in my because a dude’s fartin in there!” “As long as you don’t cry after contacts and I think Ashle - alley behind the Arcata Plaza you masturbate it’s all good.” y's the only one who would ho The Shanty ok up " with me.' And I w "DMV doesn't want your urine, Sir. as like 'You "How did my pancake get don't want to do th - DMV, Grass Valley, CA at she probably has hella on the floor? Oh....wait, STD's" G-2: "She totally that's throw-up." “My mountain survival “I’ve only gotten one kid does, like syphilis and gono - Dutyville Road kit: one tab of acid.” drunk on accident.” rrhea." - Overheard two - Blue Lake gi - Redwood Curtain Brewery rls “I bartered for a sick-ass pretendi ng to study at HS U. Grateful Dead chillum.” ss.” thle too s he’ t, righ all “It’s — Arcata - Rita’s in Eureka "I lost my virginity to a super soaker." - Kimtu beach Willow Creek

Text stupid shit you here people say to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 415 5th Street, Eureka, CA 95501. Tell us where you heard it and who said it. Bonus points for pictures. www.savagehenrymagazine.com

next month:

The Kung-fu issue high kicks

EZ 1-2-3 Kung-fu mastery

com

Interview with Spruce Lee;

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Bigotry & Intolerance Protect yourself from this nasty shit! Have a fucking heart, that’s all you have do to. Easy peasy. www.savagehenrymagazine.com