Issue #101 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

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LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Well, here we go again. The first post-Wong era issue of Savage Henry and it sorta feels like starting over. We’re gonna have different artists and sponsors do the covers for the time being, and no offense to any of them in the least, it’s just gonna take some time getting used to not seeing Wong draw himself onto every cover...I joke...I kid. But as we say goodbye to Wong, we say hello to a whole slew of new contributors and new pieces from some of our best long-time contributors. When people see me in public or at Comedy Club, they look me up and down and ask “Are you Savage Henry?” Short answer is “no,” long answer is “all of us are Savage Henry.” So many people put their talents and hard word into this magazine and into the Comedy Club. Yes, we try to name them all in the masthead next to this column on this same page, but sometimes they sneak past us. From ad sales people, to podcast producers to folks who help stock beer and mop floors at the Comedy Club...Savage Henry is all of us. Imagine that scene in Spartacus, when they all say their name is Spartacus to throw off the bad guys...that’s what pops into my head when people ask me if I’m Savage Henry. And not just folks behind the scenes, and on the pages and stages...you, the fans, you’re also Savage Henry. Without you we’d be a bunch of weirdos writing dumb jokes on scratch paper and screaming some of the most disturbing things on a stage to an empty room. Thank you all and please enjoy issue #101 of Savage Henry Magazine, the Adventure Issue, brought to you this month by all of our advertisers including our new friends at Savage Terpenes who produced this month’s cover.

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Table of Contents Lights, Cameras, Passion........................................................ 11

Durant and Rave.......................................................................... 69

My Regrets: By Indiana Jones................................................ 13

From Here to There and Back................................................. 71

Our Family Vacation to Old Faithful...................................... 15

May Bucket List.......................................................................... 73

What’s Wrong With This Country......................................... 17

Milstein at the Movies.............................................................. 74

Hidden Plots................................................................................. 19

Eavesdroppings.......................................................................... 76

100 Ways To Start An Adventure.........................................23 Scumbag Alley ............................................................................27 Transcript for Archaeology 410, Marshall College ........29 Homeland Insecurity.................................................................31 Return to Lego Land..................................................................35 Well, I Smell: The Clare O’Kane Interview...........................39 Adventure in 2019 News.........................................................43 Dungeons and Dildos................................................................45 Has a Gun...................................................................................... 49 Drunkventures............................................................................ 51 Adventure from Pagemaster Needs a Reboot................53 10 Celebrities Who Will Return Before Their Time.........55 Let’s Go On An ADventure.......................................................57 Ben’s 10......................................................................................... 59 Album Reviews............................................................................ 61 Things That Sound Dirty..........................................................63 Adventurous Dating..................................................................65 Hiking Boots and Other Red Flags........................................ 67 What You Need for a Craigslist Adventure........................ 67 6

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Lights Camera Passion

William Toblerone, contributor

The unpredictable bliss of reality TV courtship. What could be purer than watching real lovers share in the dance of courtship dialogue? Episode 23, Season 9 of NBC’s The Lover truly captures the essence of romance in its first stage of blossom. In this transcript, Persephone finally has Blayne all to herself. Neither wanted to waste this precious opportunity to nurture the early seeds of a divine connection. Persephone: I’m so glad we have this moment alone to say the things we need to say without being interrupted. Blayne: Yes, we have a lot to say to each other. Persephone: I’ll go first. I have something I’ve really been wanting to say. Blayne: I’m here to listen. Please say what’s on your mind. Persephone: Thank you for saying that. I just really wanted to let you know that I really appreciate all of the things you’ve said to me. You really said a lot of things I have wanted to hear all my life. Blayne: What you just said really makes me glad I said those things to you. Persephone: I was hoping that you would say that. Blayne: I truly meant what I just said. Persephone: The fact that you said that makes me feel important and unique. Blayne: It’s funny you should say that, because those are the words I say when I’m describing you. Persephone: (Moving closer) You say the sweetest things. Blayne: I have something I have been waiting to say to you. Persephone: Well, I really want to hear what you have to say. Blayne: Yes, I say this is the best time to say what needs to be said. Persephone: I’m ready for anything you need to say. Blayne: Well, I just wanted to say that, based on all that has been said between us, I’m truly excited to think about all of the things we will say to each other in the future. Persephone: I totally 100% agree. It seems as though we never run out of things to say to each other. Blayne: That’s what I’m saying. It’s so cool how you always really understand what I’m trying to say. Persephone: You just said exactly what I was going to say to you next. Blayne: (placing a hand on Persephone’s knee) I know we can’t say what the future holds….. Persephone: That goes without saying. Blayne: …But it needs to be said, nevertheless. I just want you to know that no matter what anybody says, the things that were said here tonight will always be dear to my heart. Persephone: Awww. What can I say to that? The words you say are the words that I say my true love would say. Blayne: You’re not just saying that, are you? Persephone: Of course not. By the way, I hate to say this but…… Blayne: This is so wonderful. Sorry, what were you saying? Persephone: Oh, I was just saying that your ding-a-ling is starting to make my fanny hole sore. Blayne: (gyrating wildly) What did you say? 10

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My Regrets, by Indiana Jones

Mike Spiegelman, contributor

I regret giving the idol to Satipo. I regret shooting that guy with the sword. I regret blaming my problems on snakes. I regret plundering civilizations. I regret being compliant to the rise of the Nazi Party. I regret lifting the ark with my back and not my legs. I regret not telling Marion she has a drinking problem. I regret not suing Banana Republic for stealing my look. I regret being cavalier about death.

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Our Family Vacation to Old Faithful

Jonathan Ott, contributor Katy should have been my fourth wife, we were engaged. We had a son, David. The thing Katy did that bothered me the most was that she smacked in her sleep. Like a baby constantly trying to suck a nipple that’s* out of reach. Six months was all I could take of that before I had to end our engagement. That was around the time my best friend buttfucked her. That was almost as annoying.

My friend Nick flew into town to meet Katy. She was out that night catching a drink at Chili’s with her friend, Melissa. They always get hammered. I remember the text that night from Nick, “Doood*, I just banged this MILF in the pooter* in the handicap stall at Chili’s. Lol, chili dog!” His description of my fiance left no doubt. For several weeks afterward, I left pretty horrific messages, admissible in court, on her parents answering machine after she moved back in with them. I planned to throw the engagement ring in her face in front of her parents. The anger had that much control over my actions... but so did the restraining order. It was just me and David now. I decided our first family vacation would be to Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone. Coincidentally, this was the place where I proposed to Katy. We got to the geyser and I strapped David to my chest in a baby carrier. It was a beautiful day. When we got as close as we could to the geyser, I yelled, “Fuck you Katy, you dirty suckler!*” and I launched our engagement ring into the geyser. I felt vindicated, like Frodo destroying the ring of power at Mount Doom. I walked away shamefully back toward the car. Halfway there, the ground started rumbling. I turned around to see Old Faithful shooting into the air. A minute later, something landed on the ground in front of me. There, shinier than ever, was the engagement ring. I took it with me to the nearest Porta Potty and dropped it in. It landed with a splat on an enormous, brown turd pile and sank in. I screamed, “Is that enough chili dog for you Katy?!” David started crying. I risked stunting his emotional development that day. But I’d like to think it was worth it to know my son will never marry someone who disrespects him by smacking in his ear all night. Disgusting.

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What’s Wrong With This Country?

Cornell Reid, staff

An expose written by a guy who thinks he’s watching the news but he’s really just watching Independence Day over and over again Well I turned on the TV and guess what? The damn aliens attacked again! Seems like they just can’t stay on their own damn planet. Thank God for that one feller who keeps punching the aliens in the face. Every time he does it he says “welcome to Earth.” Now I’ll admit it was a pretty cool line the first time but does he have to say it every single day? Take a break guy! I also don’t like how the news gets into the story about how his wife is a stripper. I don’t think that’s any of our business, do you? That one crazy pilot he saved Earth again for the 100th day in a row by flying his plane straight into the alien ship. I don’t know how that doesn’t kill him. You’d think he’d be dead after that but nope, he does it day after day. The aliens don’t seem to get one bit wiser either. They just keep coming to earth and letting that feller fly his plane right up into it. Them aliens just ain’t too smart I reckon. It’s amazing that every time I go to the grocery store or the diner that no one is talking about these damn aliens. Every time I bring up aliens they say that the wall will stop illegal aliens. I’m like what? First of all, why do you have to preface that their illegal aliens? Do you really think aliens that come from space care about what we call legal and illegal? Also, how the hell is a wall supposed to stop a damn alien spacecraft that literally blows up the White House every single damn day? Like seriously, I have no idea how they get the White House rebuilt so fast every day but it’s pretty damn pointless if you ask me. We all know the damn aliens are just gonna blow it up all over again. By the way, who is paying to have the White House rebuilt every day? Better not be us taxpayers, or else I’m gonna be pissed! Speaking of the White House, who the hell is this president they keep showing on the news? And why, for god’s sake, won’t he just listen to that man Jeff Goldblum? I don’t know why Jeff Goldblum decided to give up acting so that he could focus on saving the world from aliens but thank god he did, or else we’d all be toast! We just don’t learn from our mistakes, but thankfully neither do the aliens so we’ll be okay for now. Please watch the news, it’s very hard to talk to people about what’s going on in our country when our people are so grossly misinformed. 16

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Hidden Plots

Josh Argyle, staff

To preserve order sometimes important information is hidden from the public. In order to better educate American children, the true plots of many famous novels were hidden. They were replaced with plots to further learning. Well, we have seen how well learning has gone. So here are the original plot summaries for some of the most important works of literature. They can’t possibly make us dumber? Can they?

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling Was originally a list that J.K Rowling compiled of English dudes with tiny wieners. The chamber was full of poorly kept secrets. Weiner secrets. Moby Dick by Herman Melville Was originally a graphic erotic novel about a captain and his “white whale” Julian. Would have been the most progressive sailor on sailor erotica since Sinbad.

Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne Was about da butt! That’s it just da butt!

The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann David Wyss The Family Robinson was never intended to be Swiss. The original name of the family was Robincini. The original book was nothing more than page after page of anti Italian propaganda. Most of the adventures revolved around the Robbincis chain smoking, swearing at monkeys and trying to put plastic all over their island furniture.

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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain Was originally about a dirty kid who often said racial slurs…no changes were made to this book.

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas Was Perhaps, the best first and only love story between a man and a sandwich. The Count of Monte Cristo was not even the first title. The first title was Fuckwich: A Journey into Flavor Town.

White Fang by Jack London Was originally about how cocaine and wolves are fuckin dope! Most of the pages were dedicated to lists of things you could do with a wolf and cocaine. The list only contained two words over and over. GET LAID!

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Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne Once again about da butt. In fact, all first edition Jules Vernes are about da butt. 21

100 Ways to Start an Adventure

Peter Nelson, staff

Raid Grandma’s medication bottles. Invite your substitute teacher to the bar. Walk into a body of water. Take LSD with your boss. Walk into a bank with an empty rifle case. Ship yourself in the mail but blur out the destination label (and return address). Take a tour at a sex toy factory. Stand at a remote crossroads. Schedule a concert tour, write music an hour before the first show. Go camping with Ike Turner. Go on a dinner date with a cannibal. Smoke weed with George Bush. Build a wall. Wear a fluorescent jumpsuit in a warzone. Build a fluorescent wall around George Bush. Attach flashing lights to a drone and fly it around at Bridgefest. Go on a blind date with Ray Charles. Dip a horse in salsa. Set up a tinder profile for the girl you like and send it to her boyfriend. Study techniques on fencing and challenge your stepdad. Walk into a mormon church in bodypaint. Canvass in high crime areas for politicians that don’t exist. Drink from puddles. Do stand-up in the middle of nowhere. Tame a walrus. Dig new levels into your basement. Investigate the origin of Nutter-Butter. Grease your own front steps. Eat your neighbor. Get hired to host the Oscars. Bond with an inanimate object. Create a real-life terminator, teach it to love. Build a terminator, mail it, but blur out the the destination label (leave the return address clear). Eat a tin can. Eat a terminator. Build a wall around a terminator and make it smoke weed with George Bush. Mail George Bush to a Terminator. Ask Cardi B how her day was. 22

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continued on page 25 23

continued from page 23 Mail a Terminator to a remote crossroads. Terminator. Start a hair salon called “The Perminator.” Get a terminator wasted and make it get a sweet terminator tattoo. Propose to your sister. Get offended that your sister says no. Divorce your sister preemptively. Program a terminator to propose to your sister relentlessly. Start a divorce law firm called “Terminated!” Sell the plans to make terminators to New Zealand. Ride a terminator. Fall in love with a terminator. Propose to a terminator. Get offended when the terminator says no. Build its ideal soulmate, program it to love you. Introduce the terminator to your robot spouse. Get a terminator a dead-end job at a gas station. Cheat on the terminator with RoboCop. That’s the last time I take Grandma’s meds while terminator is on.

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Buy One Get One FREE on ALL GLASS

Transcript from Archaeology 401, Marshall College 1939

Sam Wingspan, contributor

Good morning, class. Settle down. You there, turn off the damn gramophone. No, I don’t care that “A-Tisket A-Tasket” is up next. We all love that song, but you can listen to it later. Anyway, I am Associate Professor Gerald Sturgess. For the foreseeable future, I’ll be your instructor in lieu of Professor Jones. Rather shocking to me that he was granted tenure while I’m still in the process of being adjudicated, considering that I can’t recall the last time I saw Professor Jones actually teaching anything pertaining to archaeology. Oh, yes, except for about roughly several minutes three years ago after he returned from callously robbing an indigenous Peruvian tribe of their beloved artifact. Swell guy. Nevertheless, here we are. Please open your textbooks to chapter eight, subsection three. If you recall from previous lectures, we’ll be further exploring the boon that the Etruscans gave in archite-- you know, I just gotta say, does the school fund his trips? Does the army? If so, don’t you think they’d send Special Forces to recover something of such importance instead of a Connecticut-based wristwatch model with an affinity for bones? Right. So, when we left off, we were discussing how Etruscan temples, when wood was used for columns, the bases and capitals were quite often encased in dyed and painted terracotta, though many of their other practices are still shrouded in speculative mystery. However, the greatest mystery of all is why nobody is talking about how a grown man with a Ph.D. linked up with a Chinese pre-teen and a nightclub singer to boost even more culturally significant relics from temples in Northern India. Even crazier is how these alleged temples practices are performed as if they know tantamount to a big bowl of fuck all about their own religion.

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Oh, and get this: your dreamboat professor links up with his Scottish umbrella-toting dad to go find the holy fucking grail. Like the one from King goddamn Arthur. Right. Then, later he somehow gets himself into a drinking contest with a couple of Nazis in front of a spooky knight guarding a bunch of cups like he’s a fucking clerk at Sears Roebuck. So, then, THEN Professor Jones then comes back with a convenient story about how the “Grail” could not have been taken from the temple. Do you want to know what I think? I think that your sweaty, grizzled piece of sex bacon that you drool over like rabies afflicted basset hounds didn’t find shit about fuck. You know what, fuck it, put your Ella Fitzgerald back on, miss. I quit.

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Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report

Dutch Savage, staff

Day 18 Kevin and Trudy burst right into our room bright and early with a freak out of their own. Kevin commands in a bark with a caliber we had yet to hear; “Opposing agents from a dark syndicate have just arrived near Letterfearn! You both must move forth immediately! Take the Applecross! Take the Applecross!” The proposed direction codenamed ‘Applecross’ is the ultimate in Scottish scenic routes, and where we will undoubtedly lose the tail of these black suited enemy agent suckers… but only if Simone and I act swiftly and get on the road even faster than that. We take Kev’s advice and take that alternative journey back towards Inverness. Into the car like lightning… no shower, no problem! We drive towards the end of Glenelg, the site of yesterday’s ferry pick up spot but not quite that far. Turned around and made our way back to Dornie. Maneuvers like these can keep satellites and helicopters satisfied with thinking that our car is just another lost tourist wandering aimlessly throughout the Highlands. Applecross is the official name of the first stop past the highest point in all of Scotland where a motor carriage can fit… and that’s where we are obviously headed. Many miles later and down that path there are many huge raging waterfalls and loads of sheep. We keep our conversations minimal for the duration of the drive thus far. Very narrow roads mostly one lane must use turnouts whenever another car is heading in the opposite direction. I drive slow enough to shield our intentions of escape… making this trip take several hours. Getting to the highest drivable point in Scotland became both nerve racking and surreal, equal parts exciting and scary. A massive body of fog conceals the few cars behind us as I take my time and carefully maneuver around the final hairpin… a bending rollercoaster ride, with a sharp incline destined for the peak. Simone described it as both “Breathtaking and frightening”. We each have our own privatized paranoid anxieties but keep them to ourselves (to avoid freaking each other out). Now at the top, an oncoming convoy is stuck and they all have to back up down their side of the uncivilized paved cliff, in order to let us by. We cannot reverse or back up the hill and have nowhere to turn out anyhow. This jam is wild, and a bit stressful… nowhere else for lost cars to go but down. Fog continues its unprecedented thickness at the top of the shambled motorcade. Finally getting by, we cruise on down and finally make it to Applecross bay. There is the old inn, alongside a new coffee shack, with a free bathroom. Millionaire Shortbread will have to do and it really does. After this pit stop we continue along the sound, heading towards Sheildag. Another tiny fishing town with another few people stirring about. We ate at a tourist hotel a little further away, a bicyclist outpost, the town of Torridon. No one suspects a damn thing. In Torridon, we finally see the famous hairy highland cattle, nicknamed “The Hairy Coo”. These butterscotch beasts are much more elusive than all of the sheep except for at the gift shops on magnets, mugs, etc. They all go to the same Highland cattle barber. Back on the main highway my eyes are getting heavier than shit bricks. Closing them becomes very dangerous. 50 miles to Inverness, then 30, the last 20 seemed like 100. We have had the GPS off since Applecross but needed it to find our hotel in Inverness. Heavy shit brick eyes opened a little more during this time to let some visual diarrhea out. We eventually pull up to our small hotel along the concave banks of the infamous Loch Ness. continued on page 33 30

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continued from page 31 Maple Court Hotel, 12 Ness Walk in Inverness, Room #1. Front Desk Lady was expecting us, I couldn’t really understand her… extremely tired… us not her. In the hotel room I did my best G. Dee from Ballylongford impersonation and passed out on the bed for two solid hours. “Ok bye ok bye ok bye ok bye zzzzzzzzzzz”. Simone found that tonight there is traditional Scottish music playing not far at a pub called Hootenanny, and she reminds me that staying in our room could bring us some unwanted heat. We walked towards Hootenanny and ate at a Turkish place across the street from the pub beforehand. The Owner of the Turkish eatery is having a verbal fist fight with another man about a new restaurant in town that the other man has apparently just opened, so we left before they got a divorce. Seagulls trying to eat garbage across the street provided us with dinner time entertainment. Hootenanny looks packed like nerve endings in a fun appendage. An old punk, blue Mohawk, out in front of the venue is playing music from an off-white van’s stereo and asks me if I’ve ever seen the band Oasis play live. Before I could answer the most boring and unpunk question I have ever heard, The Doorman told him to turn off his ‘mobile disco’. That was pretty punk. Inside at a large middle ages looking table a group of young teenage boys are playing traditional Scottish music with class and talent. Several creeps working behind the bar think they are a lot cooler than I think they are. There is a much different vibe here in Inverness than in the Highlands from which we had just escaped. More weird street people, more police vehicles, more lesbians. Felt a little more like home to say the least. We watched the band for a while, blended in with the locals, drink a familiar Talisker model the bar had kept stocked. When the music ends, we edge out onto the night. We walked back to our room along the Ness Walk and tried the footbridge. “Love Locks”, aka couples dedicated padlocks, are adorning a certain stretch mark on the bridge. We delay a few moments and reflect in the dark water. Back in the hotel room we are thinking about that beautiful drive today, all the sheep, it was an adventure. The views of the water and hills are hard to explain, my words here will not do it much justice, not at all. In all of today’s excitement I almost forgot what we were doing here in Europe in the first place. Word from The Agency is that Ron is long gone from the area and possibly Scotland; “At this time all other information on the whereabouts of the missing agent in Captain Ron James is murkier than the loch itself.” Tomorrow we will see if we can find something a little less elusive than Captain Ron, in the Loch Ness Monster. (To be continued) 32

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Return to Lego Island

Justin Gomes, contributor

September 26, 1997 I may never forget that day. The day the Brickster pizza pie’d my pops. The doctors tried to tell me that the 3rd degree pepperoni burns were to blame for his deathas if cured, sliced, and baked pork could topple a man such as my father. Pepperoni didn’t kill my father. The Brickster did. It all happened so fast. It only took the Brickster hours to trick the police station’s new child recruit into freeing him from his jail cell, using the hot fumes of mozzarella and jalapeno to melt the bars that bound him. With a limitless supply of scalding pizzas and the island’s power brick, Brickster laid waste to our home. No domicile was deferred his destruction. He tore through our island like a maelstrom of legend, melting bricks by cheese and laser. When all was said and done, the Brickster was behind bars again, but our home, our island, was ruined. Littered with bricks, pizzas, donuts, and countless dead, our tropical paradise had turned into a haunt of nightmares. The government declared the area uninhabitable and evacuated the survivors. I stood on the deck of the rescue boat and watched Lego Island fade into the horizon, vowing never to return.

September 26, 2018 It’s been over 20 years since anyone has heard of The Brickster, or Lego Island. I recently received a letter from the old Brickilini couple, asking if I’d return with them to Lego Island. Why anyone, let alone those two old pizza-heads, would return to the island is, frankly, beyond me. We should let sleeping ghosts lie. That being said, they offered me a hefty compensation package which would continue my research for another 10 years. Apparently they want to reopen the island as a theme park, Legoland, and they need me and other specialists to visit the park and certify that it is safe for visitors.

November 13, 2018 Two days on the Island. We never should have come here. The native wildlife spent years gorging themselves on countless scattered radioactively hot pizzas. The pizza changed something in the bricks here, melted into the very building blocks of life. Mama and Papa Brickilini are dead, so is their son Pepper Roni. I might be the last Lego left on this island. The creatures here… they are truly monstrous. Seemingly bio-mechanical beings, they tower over us lesser bricks, with limbs constructed out of eldritch shapes and curves hitherto unknown and unseen by our kind. I watched as the leader of these Toa, which they call themselves, tore Papa Brickilini in half with his pneumatic limbs, before rending Mama with a large fiery sword like something out of myth. I send these letters out in bottles in hopes that others may learn of our fate, and avoid this island. This island that was once my home, is no longer a Lego Island. It’s changed into some sort of Bionicle Beast. Stay away, lest it devour you too. 34

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Well, I Smell: The Clare O’Kane Interview Isaac Kozell, staff

Savage Henry Comedy Festival veteran and former West Coaster Clare O'Kane has been making some big moves. Literally. She left L.A. to brave the odor, garbage piles, and actual seasons (like, intense quarterly changes of weather, ya'll) of New York City in her quest to become...maybe a late night talk show host? I caught up with Clare to see how things are going on the East Coast, chat about her stint as a writer for Spongebob Squarepants, and learn about her idea for a stand-up based crime biopic. Isaac Kozell: Not that long ago you made the move to NYC from L.A. What do you love about NYC? Clare O'Kane: I did! I did it! I love pretty much everything about New York. Even the shitty stuff, like the smells and the trash. IK: What do you miss about L.A? CO: I really miss all my friends in L.A. It's hard starting over in another city and meeting new people. It's like transferring to a new school. A new school where there are more lunch choices. IK: Tell me about your new-ish show Yoko. CO: Yoko is a bi-weekly show I run with my friends Ian Fidance and Jake Flores. I really love the show, if only because all three of us are rarely booked on the same show, as we have very different styles from one another. Ian just got passed at the Comedy Cellar, so he's working on perfecting his club set and has this great energy about him. Jake is a wild man; super smart, with a manic style of comedy that I really find interesting and just fun to watch. And me? Well, I smell. IK: Your resume includes what many people would consider a dream gig, writing for Spongebob Squarepants. What was that experience like? CO: It was insane. Just getting the chance to be a part of such a huge show, my favorite fucking cartoon, my DAD'S favorite cartoon, felt surreal. I had friends in the writer's room with me, which was great. My friend Kyle McCulloch became the head writer and hired me, Josh Androsky - my boyfriend at the time - his writing partner Dan, and Solomon Georgio. They had never had a traditional "writer's room," per se, and we were a part of this new experiment of sorts. I was super intimidated, especially being the only woman in the room, but I learned a lot, to speak louder, for instance. Long story short, that did not last long. The guys in the room already - with the exception of a couple - were not really stoked about this new way of doing things. At least that's what it felt like. One simultaneously cool and awful thing about that experience was that I became the first woman in however many years to have a single writer's credit on an episode of Spongebob, or so I was told. Truly wild. 38

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IK: I don't usually get jealous when other comics get stuff, but you got to open for Jawbreaker, which is too fucking cool. Opening for bands can be tough though. How did those shows go? CO: Oh, it was tough [laughing]. That was another surreal experience. I must admit, I hadn't even really listened to Jawbreaker ever before that. I'm just friends with Adam Pfahler, the drummer who also used to own Lost Weekend Video, where lots of great stand-up shows took place. I mean...it ruled. I got to stage dive. Really no complaints. IK: What are a couple of other dream jobs you'd like to have? CO: I'd like to write and create my own show someday. I think my biggest dream is to be a late night host, a job that already kinda seems like it's on it's way out. I just think it would be the perfect opportunity to showcase my extremely talented friends and just be myself on TV. I'm not good at characters. IK: Your fiance proposed to you onstage. Do you recommend this method for other people looking to get hitched? Continued next page... 39

CLARE O’KANE, continued from previous page... CO: Yes, he proposed to me "YouTube style". I recommend any way that makes you happy and that does not apply any sort of pressure. We had already talked about getting married anyway, so it was a definite "yes" from me, luckily. IK: What does the future look like for your podcast Talking to Myself in the Park? CO: Oh god, who knows. The only reason I haven't really done it is because it's been too cold to sit outside. I guess it'll just be a seasonal pod from now on. I hope to make it even more useless, boring, and self-indulgent. IK: Your debut album Let It Be came out last year and I saw a recent clip of yours on Comedy Central's social media. Are you getting close to doing some kind of special soon? CO: If one is ever offered to me, I'd be very down. I think I'm ready for a half-hour special, but getting one - like on Comedy Central or whatever - is obviously not up to me. That'd be cool though! I had so much fun watching my dear friends Allen [Strickland Williams], David [Gborie], and Joe [Kwaczala] record theirs in New Orleans. It's just nice to know that people I love are making moves like that. It's honestly just as rewarding. I know that sounds like bullshit, but I really mean it, for now. IK: Who are some comics working right now that kind of blow your mind? CO: I'm going to limit this to New York since I see these people all the time, but just know my mind is being blown by many others around the country. Here goes: Lorelei Ramirez, Edy Modica, Eudora Peterson, Amy Zimmer, Joe Castle-Baker, Dan Licata, Jo Firestone, Eliza Hurwitz, Mike Recine, Nick Naney (my fiance), Francesca D'uva, and so many more. Fuck, everyone's so good here I hate it! IK: I think we both agree that there are too many shows and movies about stand-up. It's also insane to me that anyone other than comics would watch them. But, what if you were asked to create a show about being a comedian? Would you take the job and if so, what would be your angle? CO: Oh yes, I'll take any job. It would a show be in the style of The People vs. OJ Simpson, but about Louis CK.

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Adventure in 2019 News

Aaron Pitcher, contributor

The bold follow the call to adventure, and news follows with them. Seriously Delusional Impromptu Mountain Hike Leads to Impromptu Marijuana Harvest Able-Bodied 26-Year-Old Drives Half Block to Store OPINION: Adventure Time Better Than Whatever Crap You Like

Sparrow on Tarmac at Air Show Bear Grylls to Put Down Family Pet in Spectacular Fashion

Ice Climber Can't Believe Some Pussies Only Climb Rock

Something Something Adventure, Something Something

NV Couple Take Kids, In-Laws, Simmering Marital Hatred on 3-Week Luxury Cruise WorldStar! Soccer Mom Done with This Ref

“Adventurous” Girlfriend Likes Sex in Both Positions N. Sentinel Islanders Slaughter Trespassing Missionary to Delight of Civilized World Ethically-Challenged House Cat Just Kills for Sport

S.H.I.T.'s Top 10 Acid Trips You Really Don't Want Stuffed to Brim with Hot Cougars

Study: Children with 2 “R.” Middle Names at Greater Risk of Constructing Elaborate Fantasy Worlds Recruit Discovers Daily Life Nothing Like Commercials Video: This Man Punched Himself in the Face Every Day for a Year. See How He Changed! Tick Tock: Biden Campaign Braces for Howard Dean Moment 42

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Dungeons and Dildos

Niall “CornBread” Kelly, contributor

Dungeons & Dragons might be the single most nerdy, unsexy thing ever discussed, and hardly ever has it sparked any kind of sexual encounter. Well, I would like to pitch a new RPG game, one built around the idea that everybody, even the nerd, deserves to get laid. Here's the concept: It's similar to the popular dice based Role Playing Game, except with more sodomy. Now, I know that I'm not the first person to think up sex dice, but add an element of "Adventure" to your bedroom role playing, and you've got yourself a real game! Grab yourself some confidence, some lube, a girlfriend/boyfriend/friend, a 20 sided dice (D20), and use this simple guide to spice up the Noble Quest in your bedroom. To Start: Create a class of creature that you would want to be during sex, like a gnome, or a pixie, or maybe you're into those Furry costumes. But whatever you choose, make it sexy. Also, make your partner be a sexy mythical creature, like a centaur, a dragon, or a platypus. This is who you are from now on, and you will gain 1 level every time you play and complete the game as this character. Rules: -On your turn, roll the D20, and match the number you rolled to the numbers on the list below. -Read the scenario out loud, add a little bit of commentary (Role Playing) to keep up the storyline, then perform the action as described. -Each round lasts 10 minutes. -To complete a game, you must roll a Critical Hit (described later). Start with this scenario: "You are sitting alone at the bar in a dimly lit tavern. Trolls keep trying to buy you drinks, but you aren't interested. All of a sudden, a sexy creature catches your eye as it walks into the bar, and you feel obliged to ask it for dungeon sex. The creature (your partner) follows you upstairs to your room in the tavern, and you leave the rest to fate..." Roll the D20. If you rolled a: 1 - This is called a Critical Failure; Punch yourself in the genitalia and roll again 2 - A mystical force draws you toward the bathroom; Take a pee break 3 - A fairy sprinkles some magic dust on your partner’s ass; Do a line 4 - You try to solve an ancient riddle; Find the clitoris/prostate 5 - Your feet have become ripe from weeks of travel; Have your partner wash your feet with their tongue 6 - You cast a defense spell; Put your underwear back on for 1 round 44

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continued on page 47 45

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continued from page 45 7 - A gnome passes by and spits on you in disgust; Add a little lubrication 8 - An evil wizard casts a Binding spell; tie up your partner for 1 round 9 - You fall off your mighty steed while riding; Do it on the floor for a 1 round 10 - A horde of Trolls watch you silently from the woods; Make your own porno 11 - You find some magical elixirs; Pour yourself a strong drink 12 - You enter a mysterious cave; Turn off the lights 13 - You escape from the dark caves; Turn the lights on

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14 - Rain pours down on you from a cloudless blue sky; Do it in the shower for 1 round 15 - You open a treasure chest and find a magical weapon; Add 1 dildo 16 - Your partner is captured by forest bandits; Blindfold your partner for 1 round 17 - You call reinforcements for the battle; Call a friend over to join you 18 - You cast an invisibility spell; Do it outside for 1 round 19 - A village that you saved from monsters holds a festival in your honor; Host an orgy 20 - A Critical Hit! When you roll this number, you and your partner are finally allowed to reach climax. You have now completed a full game Dungeons and Dildos, and your character gains 1 level.

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Has A Gun

Ki Man Harder, contributor

It's clear superhero movies are not going away. So, in order to cash out on popular trends follow his creative pursuits, Ki Harder has turned to screenwriting. Below is an excerpt taken from the third act of his script, a preview for any Hollywood producers wanting in on the next blockbuster franchise: Has A Gun Guy.

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Drunkventures

Andrea B, contributor

The best kind of adventure is a drunk adventure. The only thing that sucks is you might not remember it -and you also wake up with a lot of mystery bruises. Your drunkventure can start anyway you want; just don’t mix your boozes. If you’re drinking whiskey, stick to it; don’t throw vodka in your mouth right after you throw whiskey in your mouth. That’s a surefire way to produce a hangover. No one wants a hangover, so just keep drinking the next day and then the next day and the next day, because you just started a serious alcohol problem. If you are looking for a great drunk adventure I suggest getting wasted and crashing someone else’s family reunion. They’re not your family, but you can be the drunk aunt or uncle that they always wanted and needed. Just tell everyone you are great aunt Karen’s 5th child. Kids’ birthday parties are a great spot to get shitfaced, too. That kind of drunkventure always ends in a bounce house. You might think that some adventurous activities wouldn’t mix well with alcohol, but getting plastered and then going hiking will make you feel invincible. Also, if you can drink, you can snowboard. Drinking and skiing go hand in hand: you’ll gain the confidence to jump cliffs and yell at people from the chairlift. Make sure you have a sober friend for your next drunkventure. They’ll make sure you don’t eat gum off the ground or sleep with your current manager. If you have to ask, “How the fuck did I get home?” then your drunk adventure was complete. You should check your bank account and call your parents. Let them know you’re alive even after you drank enough to kill a small child and went paragliding.

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Adventure from Pagemaster Needs a Reboot

Bobby Benedict, contributor

We all know and love Patrick Stewart, from Jean-Luc Picard to Professor X. With both of those roles being revived with or without Stewart, I think we need a push for his best role: Adventure from The Pagemaster. Everyone loves Picard, especially when he's yelling at how bug-eyed nerds who get sucked into books can't handle his righteous dopeness. "You can't be Adventure, you ain't got the SPINE for it." Dope, insults AND book puns. The Pagemaster was a Macaulay Culkin vehicle but was stacked with dope actors like Frank Welker, Whoopi Goldberg, Christopher Lloyd, and mother-fucking Leonard Nimoy. Rotten Tomatoes has it at 17% and Roger Ebert gave it 2 stars. Why? Who knows? Probably because Macaulay Culkin stopped being cute even when animated and Doc Brown trying to be mysterious rather than crazy is off putting. Give the people what they want in their animated features: a glorified Star Trek reboot. Remember that show Gargoyles? It was about gargoyles dickin' around in a city doing God knows what, but it had the most important element: MOTHERFUCKING RIKER AND TROI. Sure, it also had Frank Welker, just like The Pagemaster, but it's all about space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the starship who gives a fuck, toss me some more Star Trek even if it has Scott Bakula in it. Toss it to that episode of Quantum Leap where Bakula has down syndrome, because that will never not be a hilariously tone-deaf smudge on the history of science fiction. Oh Boy, indeed. This is how The Pagemaster II: Adventure Begins has to go down. Adventure the book has to go on a voyage to the stars where he takes along a ragtag group of different books, a Klingon one, one with a vision disability, and a hot one who doesn't wear the uniform for some reason. Then, they get into trouble with the space crystal Frank Welker and have to go back in time with the help of Doc Brown, who is omnipotent for some reason, in order to fix their timeline. Then, SPOILER ALERT, it turns out it was a holodeck program on the new Star Trek: Picard series that they're making and Picard has to go solve some planet’s weird geopolitical problems or a fuckin' space Shakespeare thing, I don't know. Just give me some dope shit that accidentally hamfists its way into the Star Trek universe, please. 52

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10 Celebs Who Will Return Before Their Time Zack Newkirk, staff It's very hard for us, the regular people, when our heroes, the famous people, die. But what's even worse is when we've gotten all of that grief out of our system and then the dead celebrity comes BACK to life! Here are 10 famous folk who will burst back through the mortal veil unbidden in 2019.

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Paul Newman

Not only am I deathly allergic to your Caesar's dressing, but now I have to deal with you being alive again, too?

JFK Jr.

Go take a walk, buster!

Elvis Presley

Oh, man! Nuh uh! Go on! Git!

JonBenet Ramsey

We don't want you back among the living! Go back to hell!

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes You suck! Booooo!

Prince

No one actually cared when you died, but that doesn't mean we don't want you to stay dead!

John Wooden

Go die again already, why don't ya? 54

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Paul Walker

Not only are the Fast & Furious movies better without you, but all movies are better without you! Remain deceased! 55

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If the tropical life isn't up your alley we have exquisite tour functions available in a few newly discovered Egyptian pyramids, which are totally not haunted at all. Our kinda not friends at Tut-Oh! and Co. have hit a home run with stocks and offers for all ages, every member gets a free Asp and a bucket of asp food to deter the.. asps. Are you following? Lastly the company Hasbro, which totally hate us (so they say, but we're sure they're joking) have bulk supplies of the acclaimed Jumanji board game! All stock offers come with a free escape rope and i hear that one of them even leads to a magical paradise full of games and prizes. Will you be the first to roll the dice on this amazing offer? (All offers are subject to change after purchase. KibbleKins-Dew and Associates are not liable for any discomfort, injury, or death through any location or item available. Call our toll number at 7493-83664-748-9484)

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Chaz Logan Hyde, contributor

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Ben’s 10

Volume CI:

Annoyingly Adventerous Artists (and the Albums They Pooped Out Ben Allen, music editor

"What the hell is this?" Have you ever asked yourself this question while listening to a recording by a band or musician that you respect and admire? You are not alone. Many artists have created "adventurous" works while following recent trends, high on numerous substances, or just chasing a muse they should have left alone. Let's take a look at some annoyingly adventurous albums and try to figure out what they were thinking. Garth Brooks in . . . The Life of Chris Gaines Let's say you're at the peak of your career as a beloved country-pop star. Why not create an "alternative rock" character, throw on some makeup and churn out an album of vile horseshit to alienate your core fans? Ask Garth Brooks for more details on his thought process. Vanilla Ice - Hard to Swallow Trying to resuscitate his quickly-diminishing career, Vanilla Ice sought to cash in on the brain dead yell/ rap/sing rap rock craze that overtook America in the late 90's and early 00's. The results: unlistenable. Bob Dylan - Christmas in the Heart There's something oddly endearing about Dylan's release of Christmas standards. While his voice is horrendous and song selection is questionable, it's kind of fun to hear an old Jewish guy singing about the birth of Jesus in a grizzled tone. Neil Young - Trans No, this is not an album about Young's gender dysphoria. Old Neil wrote and recorded an electronic-based record largely focused on technology and the future. Using a vocoder for most vocals, longtime fans were at best confused, at worst, angry. Talk about adventurous. Lou Reed - Metal Machine Music

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Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Pets - Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Pets The pop starlet shocked fans when she surprise released a double album of new tracks, largely as a collaboration with psychedelic weirdos The Flaming Lips. Lead single "Dooo it," was performed live with the Lips at MTV's VMA's, leaving many scratching their heads in confusion. Radiohead Kid A

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It was quite a departure from their guitar-based rock when Radiohead released the ambitious Kid A. Incorporating more synth, ambiance and electronic elements, the record was a reflection of songwriter Thom Yorke's obsession with electronica that was popular at the time. Raffi with Ol' Dirty Bastard - Blazing Blunts with Baby Beluga Shortly before his death, "Ol' Dirty" teamed up with child folk-singer Raffi for a delightful record of collaborations at once playful and naughty. Who knew Raffi was such a stoner? Sting - The Soul Cages Sting has sucked pretty hard for a number of years now. On his 1990 album, he regurgitated a stale turd of adult contemporary nonsense featuring the single "All This Time." Is this being adventurous and innovative or just losing it completely?

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Shortly after releasing his most commercially successful solo record, Transformer, Reed delivered a double album of nothing but guitar noise and feedback. He remained unapologetic about the release until the time of his death.

Metallica - Load Perhaps as an attempt to move beyond the expectations of headbanging metal dorks, Metallica released the more "classic rock" sounding Load. They also cut off their hair, a move some considered adventurous, while other fans found it irritating. www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

The Moles Code Word Greg Bortnichak, contributor Ladies, gentlemen, and those who buck the binary (fuck yeah, btw), I hereby declare that Rock & Roll is alive and well! Richard Davies’ seminal Australian garage-rock outfit, The Moles, has returned with a record that stinks in a sexy aromatic way of playfulness and lack of pretense. Code Word twists and shouts its way through a double LP that, like the tired train of blues (you Metalocalypse fans out there know what I mean), just keeps on moving… only this train is anything but tiresome - it’s covered in sick graffiti, and the love of your life just might be nursing a hangover in the caboose. This is some romantic shit indeed, especially for those who remember the 90’s or might be allured by its no-fucks-given ethos in lo-fi/ indie/ non-commercial/ whatever music. Short songs, no bullshit, quite a few treble-hooks along the way that would make great earrings… Don’t get me wrong, the Moles aren’t reinventing the wheel here, but Davies is using it to create a most enjoyable ride where even the occasional stop along the way feels like a the perfect place to take a piss. Think Beatles’ White Album meets Sparklehorse’s Good Morning Spider and makes a lovechild for K Records while the Velvet Underground watches. Now make like a mole, and dig it. Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Lyndol Descant All Love Sam Greenspan, contributor On Lyndol Descant’s third studio release All Love, we are treated to nine more songs that heavily lean into the greatest strengths in her deft piano-based composition and angelic vocal performance. However, while all the songs are beautiful in structure and sound, there is a noticeable split between half of the songs in terms of depth. On the one hand, songs such as “All Love,” “Let You Love Me,” and “Lonely Hearted” (among others) paint a delightful portrait of Descant’s emotional honesty, depth, and passion. Elsewhere, songs such as “Thank You Nature” play it so safe that your eyes may roll into the back of your head. In no way would I insinuate that songs about gratitude and joy are somehow dishonest, however, when juxtaposed with other, more raw and biting tracks on the album, it can be hard to ignore. Rating 8 out of 12 cans of PBR! Continued next page... 60

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ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

Cursive Vitriola Chuck McCammon, contributor For those of you who are already fans of Cursive are going to love this album. Vitriola has everything you crave regarding primary singer/ songwriter Tim Kasher. Personal awareness of triumphs and failures. Humble blood drips over every second. His bandmates accent the shifting motifs brilliantly as always. Fans of early 2000's Cursive records Domestica and The Ugly Organ will not be disappointed. They're moving at an even keel in uncertain seas. Sifting through past sorrows while tech kills ego. Lost of where we are going yet heartbreakingly falling in step with torturous dictators and self-serving foes.

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Vitriola is split. Running towards the chaos. Grabbing at dreams while entertaining your demons. Socially knocking on the door of "we’re fucked if we don’t change." But change doesn’t seem close at hand on this album. A focused clarity is accompanied by pain and hope. We just don’t want to die being remembered as an asshole, nor should we work for one. PBR Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

Things That Sound Dirty

Ray Flynn, contributor

Low blow

Pinot

Codswallop

Blow out

Hand tossed

Last name Cummings

Penne

Penal (code)

Fallas (store)

Head gasket/blown head gasket

Putin (Russian President)

Hijacking

Brothers Johnson

Heading

Fingerling

Head cleaner

Schweppes

Head-to-head

Coot

Hard drive

Input

Hard wood

Hot tuna

Touch up

Man down

Nutter butter

Ring of fire

Tight end

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Adventurous Dating

Peter Nelson, contributor

I date the adventurous type. None of that “I have a house and a 401k” malarkey. I need a full life experience. She, or it, has to live in a cardboard box. Not for the fancy facade of “I need shelter.” No. I need my lover to live in a metaphor that literally says F.U. to all of the normative traditions that we call subsistence. But then it rained really hard. Screw that! What am I? Some low life?! I upgraded to a sweet new tupperware bachelor pad. She gets 2 out of 5 stars. My most recent girlfriend is wonderful. I started with no expectations, that way I’m never let down. Her new boyfriend barely even knows I exist. Neither does she. Now that's what I call a healthy relationship! They’re getting married next month and couldn’t be happier. Now ask yourself: When’s the last time you made your insignificant other so happy they got married? 4 out of 5 stars. I dated my neighbors dog. Fetch was cool. Fleas, not so much. 1 out of 5 stars Some idiot left their car unlocked the other night. Talk about an upgrade! Not only did I suddenly have a luxurious new living situation/girlfriend, she was also a taurus! I assume it was a she. She had those fancy car headlight eyelashes. Now I don’t care about what my car girlfriend’s gender was. Fact of the matter was that it had a fresh pack of Marlboro Lights in the cupholder, and that, is what I call true love. 5 out of 5 stars. A homeless guy named Jeremy gave me some DMT the other night. Didn’t do squat. Kinda let down. Jeremy, I know you didn’t know we were dating, but that whole “universe collapsing in on itself while I learned the meaning of life thing” that you did somehow? Totally uncalled for. No idea how you did it though. 0 out of 5 stars. Fact of the matter folks: True love is in the eye of the beholder, and an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. And last time I checked, I can’t read braille. 64

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Hiking Boots and Other Red Flags

Alec Cole, contributor

Tom T. Hall once sang, “If you love somebody enough, you’ll follow wherever they go”. That’s how he got to Memphis, and that’s how I got to Humboldt County. About two months later the light of that love saw its last glowing ember, and I found myself a new bachelor in one of California’s most bizarre regions. While I’ve come to appreciate most of the weirdness that makes this place unique, there are some amenities in the local dating market that I still cannot get beyond. These immediate deal-breakers are probably responsible for my nonexistent sex life, and while some may say I’m being too picky, I would argue that I’m just being realistic. The first immediate deal-breaker: casual hiking boots. If I see someone walk by wearing hiking boots on a Tuesday morning, I immediately know it will never work between us. Because I know I’ll just never be that in shape. They’re gonna want to hike, and I’m gonna want to not do that. I mean, if I meet someone who’s revved up and ready to hike on a Tuesday, God knows what the weekend is gonna look like. I’m certain that whatever it is, I’ll never be physically prepared to handle it. Let’s face it, this is the type of person who gets up at 8 on the weekend, and thinks of that as “sleeping in” (insert sarcastic “Yay!”). I—on the other hand—only get up before 2 pm on the weekend if someone’s getting married, born, or buried, so immediately we’re off to a bad start. Next, is breakfast, or in my case brunch. This hiker person is undoubtedly going to picture the perfect breakfast being a bowl of oats and old wood chips, washed down with some sort of green drink. Gross. My ideal first meal consists of bread, coffee, and a Bloody Mary. And the only way I know it’s been a success is if I need a nap afterwards. Lastly, I can’t do the hiking thing. Hiking is just walking in disguise. You don’t run when you hike. You don’t even jog. You just zig-zag around and occasionally go up. It’s the most pointless way I can think to spend a day. And at first, it’ll be cute that we do our own thing. Everyone will talk about how independent we are—they go on hikes during the day, I say things into a microphone at strangers in the night—how sweet. But then one day we’ll end up in couples’ counseling and they’ll call me out like, “Maybe, if you got off your ass and hiked with me, I wouldn’t have fucked that park ranger”. And I’ll just stare at my feet and say, “That park ranger was my father”. Anyway, if you like hiking, I hope you find someone that also loves hiking and you both fuck each other’s brains out. If you don’t like hiking, my number is 1(800)69-69-69 and my email is bonersex420@hotmail.cum.

What You Need for a Craigslist Adventure Evan Vest, contributor An adventure used to be where you and some friends would gather the necessary supplies to go and explore the great wilderness in search of excitement and discovery! But not anymore! To me, an adventure is going out into the neighborhood to collect on all the fun stuff I have bought on the local Craigslist. There are still some important things to bring along on this adventure, but the most important thing is an open mind to fun! A Spacious Vehicle This really depends on what you are trying to buy. If you are just picking up a few laundry baskets full of socks you may be fine with a subaru hatchback or ford taurus. If you are picking up something larger, like a jet ski or arcade cabinet, consider borrowing a friends van or stealing your stepdads pick-up truck. A Good Pair Of Eyes Make sure you fully inspect the item your buying upon arrival. If you have intended to pick up a stack of High Times from 1997, make sure those are in fact High Times and not some knock off imitation brand. If you are planning on buying a knife, make sure you bite down hard on it before the final purchase. You know it’s a real knife if it hurts. Pro Haggling Skills It’s never too late to talk down the price of whatever your getting. You should be confident that you could find this collectible Joe Camel mirror for only $300. Just because you agreed on aprice over email doesn’t set it in stone. This is also great practice for various crimes. A Gun This is the most important thing. Everybody on craigslist is a murderer, and you will need to use the gun on 95% of Craigslist interactions you have. Nobody in their right mind would sellanything cool over the Internet without intent to murder. If you don’t have a gun for thisadventure, I would check your local outlet mall or WalMart. Only under extreme circumstances should you use Craigslist to buy a gun. Happy Shopping, Y’all! 66

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Durant and Rave

Chris Durant, staff

It’s been awhile since I’ve written one of these columns, if I ever have….I think I have. Anyway, this is outta necessity. There is a topic that must be discussed and no one I know,except one person, is totally up to date in this important matter. I, strike that, we as a society need to open up a conversation about this subject...this matter of grave importance. It’s right there in front of us, literally available on a streaming service for us to watch (don’t give me that password bullshit, if you really wanted to see it you’d steal a password). It’s the Amazon show Patriot. How can this amazing piece of television have no one I know who has seen both seasons. I feel like a Jehovah Witness on a doorstep trying to shove it down my friends’ throats. It’s so good. Think of Wes Andersen making a movie with Tom Clancy and toss in a sprinkle of hipster and a dash of a PT Anderson film and there you have it. And there’s two whole seasons ready to go for your enjoyment. No, this has nothing to do with one of the cities it’s setin being Milwaukee... thank you though (and Go Crew, this is our year). Look, here is my login: savageprime#123 and my password: holyshitpatriotissogood Now you have no excuse. Please login and watch it and e-mail me at editor@ savagehenrymagazine.com so I can finally discuss it with someone. And serioulsy, the Milwauke Brewers are going to win the 2019 World Series. You read it here first.

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From Here To There and Back: A True Story

John Freole, contributor

At the time of this writing I have been sitting here and attempting to write a funny article. First one in fact, so you know... its gotta be good. I've had many wacky adventures in my time and continue to add on to the list, so writing an article for The Adventure Issue should be no problem, right? Right. And here I am with 60 minutes until the deadline and I'm staring blankly at my screen like a prepubescent boy staring at his first pair of tits. Much like those boobs, my story and the tools to write it from are right here in front of my but I have no idea as to what I should do with them. Then it hits me harder than the bong rip I just took, coming up with a story, in itself, is an adventure into one's mind. I pat myself on the back for my brilliance and begin this adventure into the confines of my mind. 10 minutes later and still nothing but I shrug it off as a rookie mistake. Every self-respecting adventurer has at least one joint rolled up to be smoked at any point of said adventure. Normally this would be a task done outside to make nature less boring but realizing that, for this particular adventure, I don't need to leave my couch, I happily rolled one up, sparked it up, and got ready for some adventuring. 30 minutes later and I've yet to come up with anything at all. Seriously, What. The. Fuck? 5 minutes later and I have realized my, sometimes deadly, error. I forgot to eat. Seeing that I only have 15 minutes until deadline, I'm going to kill two birds with one stone by nourishing on Flaming Hot Cheetos while taking bong rips to enhance this adventure into my mind . I'm having such an awesome time adventuring through my mind that it's pushing out any memory of what has just happened to make room for what is currently happening, which is causing problems because my hand's cannot seem to keep up with the amount of awesomeness. I've now come to terms with the fact that I have failed. Unlike the famous Lewis and Clarke, I have come back empty handed. However, much like Lewis and Clarke, to my dismay, I managed to catch syphilis in this adventure of mine. But unlike Lewis and Clarke, we have better medicine than mercury to treat such things. So all in all, I'd say that I come out on top.

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My Bucket List: 5 Things That Look Like a Bucket to Me, by Indiana Jones Mike Spiegelman, contributor 5. An Ark 4. A Crystal Skull 3. A Hollowed-Out Monkey Skull 2. An Abandoned Mine Cart / An Abandoned Refrigerator (tie) 1. The Holy Grail

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Milstein at the Movies

Seth Milstein, contributor

Ailment of the Month

next issue:

David S. Pumpkins: The Movie

The Humboldt Issue

Saturday Night Live has a long tradition of taking a popular sketch and stretching the substance of that 5 minute bit into an hour and a half long film. They do this with varying success and this one is no exception. Until it’s official release we won’t know for sure if Pumpkins will follow the path of The Blues Brothers to must see comedy classic status or Stuart Saves His Family which has never once been viewed in its entirety by anyone ever.

This whole place is one big murder Mtn.

Executive Producer Lorne Michaels took a slightly different route this time by releasing an animated half hour special to test the waters of interest. The response was wildly tepid and a luke warm embrace is all SNL Productions needs to go all in. Another departure from form is that instead of making “David S. Pumpkins: The Movie” a typical over the top comedy bordering on absurdity, Lorne decided to present it as a gritty dramatic character study and hired director, David Fincher for his known expertise in the genre. The film opens on a pumpkin patch in an undisclosed rural community in the Midwest (you can tell it’s the Midwest because everyone is referring to bags as “sacks”). It’s revealed that David was the product of a sex accident between two horny teenagers who due to the political climate of their geographical location were fiercely undereducated in the basic principles of how sex goes. Somehow, through a series of idiotic and disturbing missteps, David’s father pushed his partner’s fertilized egg into a growing pumpkin.

We still have weed

Curtains

Being Eaten by Cannibals Adventurers find themselves in strange and foreign worlds with folks who have never seen such a plump and buttery morsel.

Send your Contributions to: submit@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 415 5th Street Eureka, CA 95501

Unaware of the life they created, David’s parents walked away from that field leaving David to be raised by pumpkins. Life was hard for him during adolescence as David didn’t really fit in with the other pumpkins due to his unmistakably human body and the fact that he had to eat a lot of the other pumpkins for nourishment. His gourdling peers called him names like “monster” and “cannibal” but they do it in a gourd language that we wouldn’t understand if not for subtitles. David eventually leaves the patch to find himself. Act two plays as a fish out of water story of our protagonist finding his way among the human world. He’s befriended by two skeleton people who were the result of a similar sex accident but in a graveyard instead of a pumpkin patch. Once the trio teams up, David gives the crew direction in his mission to promote carving of human faces into pumpkins everywhere and let them publicly rot serving as a warning to gourds everywhere that they shouldn’t ridicule their humanoid siblings. Fincher takes the audience on a wild ride in this drama bordering on psychological thriller. While maintaining a dark undertone, the film serves as more of a social message celebrating individuality. David Sex-accident Pumpkins is a reminder to be yourself. To criticize it through only my eyes would be undercutting the true meaning of the piece which is that it’s it’s own thing, man. 74

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"I want a tattoo around my asshole that says you're my sole mate.” "I think it should say, "'You're my Hole mate"'. - Grass Valley "Satan won't always be a part of your life but he'll always be a part of your mouth" "Chef Keaton is really bad at cooking." Tattoo shop old town Auburn - The kitchen Keaton is cooking in "You're going to regret those suicide jokes when you're older." "When I'm what?" - North Auburn

"That pissed me off so bad that I feel like shitting in my hands and rubbing it all over my hair."

EavesDroppings

30something dude in North San Juan

“Dude, the raccoons in San Francisco are gnarly. It’s like organized crime.”

RGOYAL OLD PREMIUM POTTING SOILS

- The Shanty

INTRODUCING

"Oh man he can really carry a note... Also... My left eye won't stop twitching..." -The Dew Drop Inn

.75 CU FT (5 GALLON)

"Now that's how you do it…” “What?!? I've seen my dad beat a dog with a dead chicken" -The Coast

"If there's one thing I like less than making out with dudes it's homophobia" - some dude at the World Pub

PLANT IN BAGS

‘What goes around comes around and next time it does it's gonna come on your mom!” - crazy lady in Ontario Ca "Ope! Did I get you in the face?" -Trim Table HendiCenter, Eureka

“I cut my hair today. My mullet was down to my shoulder pits.” - woman at the Shanty

"You're doing better than me dude. How does that feel?" "I got fired..." Grass Valley Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. 76

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