Issue #92 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

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Issue #92

MAGAZINE

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

editor@savagehenrymagazine.com COVER ARTIST | Sonny Wong SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen OXFORD COMMA | Zack Newkirk PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera CONTRIBUTORS Michel Sargent, Matt Redbeard, Tiffany Greysen,Evan Vest, William Toblerone, Paul Danke, Anica Cihla and Thomas Bridgman, Aaron Pitcher, Kelly O’Grady, Pat Dylan, Josh Argyle, GI Joes (and a few Cobras), Trevor Lockwood, Cory Barringer, Cornell Reid, Ray Flynn, Jaclyn Weiand, Chaps Blue Ribbon, Andrea Bartunek, Gage Hensley These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Ray Flynn - Grass Valley, Nevada City... Josh Argyle - San Francisco W. A. Manuel Arredondo - Santa Cruz Scott Powers - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Weeda Gauwain - Redding

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Just in time for Xmas, we here at Savage Henry are proud to devote an entire issue about what matters most during the holiday season, toys. My vast collection and extensive history with toys makes me the perfect person to talk about the subject. I grew up pretty damn poor, and fat, and foreign with a weird name, as such life was a little on the friendless side for little Nuno, but every so often my mom would get enough money together to get me a Ninja Turtle or a Transformer. All of my troubles would melt away as I spent hours with my new pals, after all who needs real friends when you're best friends with Optimus Prime and Michelangelo? The few times I had to interact with others was made better with toys as well. We all knew that one kid growing up that went through way too many gerbils in one week to be considered normal, but we dealt with him because had the Turtle Blimp, Proton Packs and Castle Grayskull with like three different types of He-Mans. Three HeMen! Unless you’re opening a hot new leather bar in Eternia, I see no need for THREE He-Men. Now as a popular and well loved adult I have more friends than I know what to do with and a lot of that has to do with my current love for toys( and sexy face). Whether my friends are waxing nostalgic over my action figures or shooting each other with modified Nerf guns, one thing is undeniable...toys are the best! So sit back with magazine in one hand and Nerf gun in another and take time to enjoy the simple pleasure of award winning comedic writing and shooting strangers in the eye with foam darts. And remember if you decide to buy your loved ones clothes instead of toys this holiday season, it doesn’t make you a responsible adult, it just makes you an asshole. Nuno Amaral

Mark Kuchenbecker - Bandon, OR A. Matthess - Crescent City CA/Brookings, OR Jane Malone - Salem, OR Small Planet Distribution - Portland, OR Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above Savage Henry has been in print since 2010, founded by Chris Durant, Sarah Godlin, Monica Durant, and Josh Duke

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g n i n r a w l a t n e r Pa Parents! If someone still plays with toys, they shouldn’t read this. Well, that’s what we thought when we initially wrote this, and then we found this picture and now we don’t know what to think. Kids, if your parents look like this, don’t let them read this.

Table of Contents Letters to the Editors..................................................................9

Bud Time........................................................................................ 59

Star Wars Action Figures We’d Like to See...................... 11

Great Bars of the West............................................................ 61

Cootie Catchers:......................................................................... 13

Ben’s 10......................................................................................... 62

Third Accuser Comes Forward............................................... 15

Album Reviews............................................................................65

The Easy-Bake Oven And The100-Watt Light Bulb That Never Got A Chance To Burn My House Down ................ 17

Adult Coloring Page................................................................... 69

How To Receive Terrible Gifts From Your Family.............. 19

Redbeard Ruminations............................................................. 73

Least Desireable Sex Toys of 2017.....................................21

Top 5 Hottest Toys of 2017...................................................75

Zombie Bunny..............................................................................23

Top 15 Cracker Jack Prizes.....................................................77

The Audacity of Soap................................................................25

Savage Henry Horoscopes..................................................... 78

Creepy Toys for Children..........................................................27

EavesDroppings..........................................................................81

Rejected GI Joe CodeNames................................................. 71

Celebrity Snacks Unclassified..............................................29 Where Are They Now? Interview with Slinky.................................................................31 Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report.................................33 The Louis C.K. Action Figure!..................................................37 I Had To Put My Pet Rock Down.............................................39 Dr. Fart............................................................................................ 41 Henderson Centaur Interview...............................................43 Games and the Games That Game Them..........................46 Couple’s Counseling.................................................................. 49 Toys that Look Like We Made Them Up But Are Really Real.................................................................................................. 51 This Shit is for Reels.................................................................. 52

(color me) 6

Production notes The first line of defense in the toy industry.....................57 www.savagehenrymagazine

Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

Hello, california. I have just moved here in last couple weeks from a boring Midwest state, not to mention by name, but anal gov is now V.P. Anyhow, just stumbled across your publication in a store which had about 10 most recent issues. I read each of them more than once, loving em. Got few questions, have you done an issue on bigfoot? Be funny to see what he'd do first time he mistook weed on a farm for other plant? Well, just one quick stupid question, why ads on left, content right? Thanks, new fan JDM. P.S. sending copies of mag back to upright fuckers in Indiana, oops, named the state.

Send your comments, attitudes, props or r@ whatever else to edito om e.c zin ga savagehenryma Or the address on the rk postcard below will wo es tiv too. All perspec are welcome.

Ed note - Thanks, Gary Indiana! The Squatch Issue is a decent idea, we’ll kick it around. And to answer your stupid question (there is no such thing!) - just cuz. It’s not a rule, it just feels right.

You are so UN-AMERICAN. All the sex talk, articles about sex, and referring to sex, is not only bad taste, its unbecoming of people such as yourself. You,obviously are a sperm-donor, not a Daddy. Great! 3 more kids who are not going to succeed at anything and are going to always have their hand out expecting everybody else to to pay for their way. Responsiblity, is obviously not important to you or you would not write bull-shit, unnecessarry statements about our President. Do you believe in anything?? Democrat, jack-ass, terrible father, great head of household who has a problem with his sexuality. You're wife must love standing by such an UN-AMERICAN who is so un-educated about the real world. Free magazines, what a joke! Shame on you for not being yourself and ptotecting you're children from yourself and all like you. Freedom, is not free. Here is a fact... everytime a Democrat is in office, every 4 years( 1 term ), our Military, gets cut 35%. I pledge, that you will never matter to anybody, you're lack of doing anything at all that requires anykind of debate you will be declated a fucking trader! Move, go join a hippie, nudest colony, or better yet... want me to give you a bullet?? You make me sick!! No-man will you ever be. You will always be a fucking geek, dork, that we all tease and make fun of. Move, get the fuck out of here… Unsigned from Weimar, California. Ed note - Thanks for reading, Mr. President.

Public Service Announcement You can submit your funny stories or reviews to us and if we think its’s funny we’ll let you know. Send it to submit@ savagehenrymagazine.com. Or mail it to 791 8th Street # N, Arcata, CA 95521

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Star Wars Action Figures We’d Like to See

Chris Durant, staff

You can find some obscure Star Wars action figures out there, some of characters that don’t even have screen time and are only referenced in a comic book. Well, if they’re gonna do action figures, they should make figures for these unsung heroes of the Star Wars universe.

Number 1 and Number 2

Princess Leia’s Hairdresser

Come on, we’ve seen the trash compactor. Everyone’s gotta shit.

There’s no way she had all those styles without some professional help.

Stormtrooper Factory Foreman Everything is online and pumping them out. Maybe they should have spent a little time with the shooting skills first.

Death Star Janitor

French Trapper Akbar

Those hallways are way too clean for that one Roomba-looking droid in Episode IV.

This one is just for me.

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Monthly Confession

For my 34th birthday my mom bought me a Millenium Falcon. 11

Cootie Catchers:

Cory Barringer, contributor

How To Convince Your Children That These (And Other Bad Gifts) Are Actually Fun, Because Science! Season’s Greetings, impoverished readers of a free publication! It’s that time of year again -- the air is crisp, the leaves are falling, and your children are drafting wish lists longer than the Welfare line. The sweet naivete displayed on these heartfelt requests paint a picture of the disappointment to come. Tommy wants a hoverboard, Skyler wants an iPad, and Sally wants a baby doll that constantly shits itself. But who among us can afford to keep up with all these new-fangled gadgets? And is it really such a crime to spruce up something old-fangled? Perhaps if children were made to believe their presents were part of some exciting new experiment they wouldn’t be so quick to murder you in your sleep, as disgruntled children are prone to do. The key is in the “spin.” Children will believe just about anything if it’s spun in such a way that makes it seem like everyone else is on board. For our purposes here we will exploit the recent trend of Science Being Cool. Thanks in large part to the universally beloved television sitcom Big Bang Theory, kids everywhere are going bonkers about all things brainy. It’s important to remember, however, that children are very stupid. This should make the task of convincing a fairly easy one. All you’ve got to do is use big words. (Note: the big words need not make any sense, as their sole purpose is to astound and amaze.) For instance, a cootie-catcher becomes a SYPHILIS CAPTURE DEVICE. Explain to them that by using NUMERICAL PROPERTIES the OPERATOR can DETECT how much SYPHILIS has been INGESTED. See? Easy as Pi. That was a science joke. Hot damn, I’m on a roll! Let’s keep on example-ing! A hand-me-down sweater becomes REPURPOSED THERMO-GEAR! A box of raisins is transformed into COSMONAUT grapes! That’s not a dirty old plunger, that’s a SUCTION-POWERED EXCREMENT RETRIEVAL UNIT! Wow, kids! Can you say “Bazinga?!” Of course, some of the more terrible children will voice their doubts as to how scientific any of these presents actually are. A handy prepared response if any ungrateful brats call your bluff is that you read about it in a prominent scientific journal at the dentist’s office. This will throw them off for two reasons: first, they can’t read. I never taught my children to read and I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve gained from their loss. Second, the mere mention of the dentist will throw them into such a frenzy of fear they will no longer concern themselves with how much you disappointed them. All they will want is a promise the Bad Man won’t poke their bleeding gums again. Scientifically Educational Photo by Dutch Savage 12

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And with that I wish you a very merry, thrifty, and SCIENTIFIC holiday! 13

Third Accuser Comes Forward

Chris Durant, staff

Accuses Sen. Bernie Sanders of Inappropriate Hugging The accusations continue to fly as women and men of all walks of life accuse men in power of abusing that power for inappropriate contact and sexual gratification. And just when you thought all of the creeps and predators have been outed, another accuser comes forward, claiming Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders hugged them inappropriately at a 2015 campaign event. “It was an outdoor rally in my neck of the woods, and Senator Sanders was on a walking tour of a little grove, and before I knew it his arms were wrapped around me and his face was buried in my bosom,” claims a 127-year-old yellow birch tree who asked that its name not be revealed. “And the crowd just clapped and clapped and cheered him on? Can you believe that? I’m sure if you Google image search you can find a picture of it, there were enough God damn photographers there.” The tree said it was hugged for about a minute before the senator and his entourage moved on. “He didn’t even look back,” the tree stated. “Just kept walking away.” Sanders’ office has not officially commented, but a campaign volunteer speaking on condition of anonymity said that Sanders inappropriately hugged no less than 200 trees while criss-crossing the country on his presidential campaign. By the sound of it, this is only the tip of the iceberg in the fall of Senator Sanders. “We need to get to the root of this problem right away,” said Mitch McConnell. “I may be going out on a limb here, but we can’t leave it to chance.” The lawyers for the tree at the National Arbor Day Foundation did not immediately return calls for comment.

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The Easy-Bake Oven And The100Watt Light Bulb That Never Got A Chance To Burn My House Down

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

It's that time of year again when it's really cold outside, and because family is coming, you are forced to buy items from even the cold aisles of the grocery store. Strangers will let you hold doors for them and they won’t say thank you and you say, ”You're welcome" in a way that lets them know they are not welcome. You'll be walking down the toy aisle and you'll see it: the EasyBake Oven that takes you back to your worst Christmas ever. (Dream sequence wavy lines) For me, I was in the third grade and we were living in Truckee, CA. This was the year that my mom and stepdad would go Christmas shopping and hide the Christmas gifts in the back of my mom’s yellow VW Rabbit while she drove around and hotboxed thousands of cigarettes in the few short weeks prior to Christmas, leaving my new shirts, boy Levi’s, underwear, and socks to reek of cigarette smoke. When Christmas morning would come, my mom and stepdad would use the lit end of their cigarettes to remove the my clothing tags from my brand new stinky clothes. It was about this time that I was becoming aware that my parents were just kind of trash-garbage. This was the second year in a row that I had asked for an Easy-Bake oven; this was the year that I decided to take things into my own hands and go to where the money was. I would ask the person in charge of my dad: my stepmom. You might be surprised to learn that I did get that EasyBake Oven from my dad (stepmom), but that Christmasmorning-dream-come-true came to an abrupt halt when that Easy-Bake Oven was promptly swept out of my hands and, with tears in my eyes, was taken to the highest shelf in the garage because “it will burn the house down.” I saw that Easy-Bake Oven box daily for the next three years. The reason I would see it almost every day was because one of my chores was to build a fire in a wood burning stove BEFORE my parents got home from work. Like with matches and paper and with real wood. My mom and my stepdad, who would leave burning cigarettes around the house, and who also left a 9-year old in charge of getting the household fire started, were worried that a 100-Watt light bulb would burn their house down. This is why I don’t bake. 16

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How To Receive Terrible Gifts From Your Family Paul Danke, contributor

Receiving terrible gifts is a curse on the aloof. While some people can say “Thank you” and everyone believes them, we cursed kids from the back of the class can never seem to make people feel appreciated. Sure, the gifts suck, and believe me, they know the gifts suck. It’s your bad behavior: your sighs, your eye rolls, and your harrumphs that let your family off the hook for giving you such shitty, sucky gifts.

Follow these nine steps to avoid the passive aggressive minefield your family lays out for you every year for the holidays. Step 1: Know you’re gonna hate it. Your family just does not get you and YOU know it. Use that. Set your expectations so comically low they can’t hurt your feelings. Step 2: Just read the fucking card. It takes two seconds -- and SMILE at the end. Step 3: Open the gift with a beguiling interest, and NOTICE the wrap job. “The gift will have a hard time living up to the wrapping,” you say. They eat that shit up. Step 4: Ask where the recycling is. An interest in keeping your family’s home clean is such a relief to the host, to know the work they did preparing for the event is well received and respected. A coy wink tossed to the host is not out of order. Step 5: Open the gift. But before you do, in your mind’s eye transport yourself: THIS is the look of wonder with which you will see your gift. Maybe sneak in a swear, like a “Holy Shit grandma this is sick!” Immediately apologize, of course; everyone will find the moment charming (they will laugh, pause for it). Step 6: (a) If it’s an article of clothing, PUT IT ON. By the end of the night you should be wearing every article of clothing you were given. This is the only level of enthusiasm that will satiate the savage beasts of etiquette. (b) If it’s a thing you can use, USE it immediately. If you cannot use it, try to use it and be a bit sad that you can’t. Step 7: If it needs batteries and batteries are, as per usual, NOT included, be distraught. Show frustration that you cannot yet use this miraculous new gift. You’re either getting some free batteries or the priceless cache of a gift not yet fully delivered. Diabolical. Step 8: HUG THEM unless they are disgusting creeps. (Family creeps love giving too-nice gifts in exchange for some unspoken leverage, and FUCK THAT -- you owe nothing.) Otherwise: cross the room to a hug-and-forearm hold and then with the head tilted just so, delicious, delicious eye contact (DOMINANCE) and a “Thank you.” They feel appreciated but confused, “The gift wasn’t THAT good was it?” They doubt themselves, but not you. You own them now. And that’s it. This shouldn’t be a problem for you. After all, you are a fucking psychopath. Step 9: Donate some toys to the fire station. Lots of kids don’t get anything EVER and life is hard as shit, so go forth and help a kid’s life actually not suck, you whiny ungrateful ass hat. Your family loves you. (Maybe they don’t, I don’t know them.) 18

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Least Desireable Sex Toys of 2017

Cornell Reid, staff

2017 was a great year for sex toy sales. The sex toy industry broke every record in the books and rose to an alltime high in sales, beating out and beating off every previous year in recorded history. Sure, maybe some time back in the cavemen days more sex toys were moved than in 2017, but we had no way of recording such things due to the fact that those cavemen were probably all way too busy cranking it to write anything down. Most people don’t know that sex toys were actually very big back in the caveman days. Interestingly, the wheel was invented after a caveman’s cock ring fell off and rolled down a hill. This gave the cavemen an awesome idea to use giant cock rings for transportation instead of trying to put them on wooly mammoth dicks. Trying to get a cock ring on a wooly mammoth is a deadly and dangerous task that killed many a caveman, but it got even worse once the cavemen were actually successful in slipping the wooly mammoth’s cock ring on. A horny wooly mammoth is a terrifying beast. Anyway, enough of the history lesson. 2017 was a record breaking year for sex toy sales. and if you don’t believe me then just take a peek inside my closet! It’s stuffed to the brim! You couldn’t fit another toy into my closet if you shoved as hard as you can! (I call my butt my closet.) However, not all sex toys were flying off the shelves and into horny customers’ orifices. In fact, some just didn’t seem to sell at all. The sex toy industry is ever evolving and while there are some hits, there are definitely some misses, too. These are the least desirable sex toys of 2017.

Eugene Levy’s Fist

Eugene Levy is known for a lot of things, but the sex appeal of his fists is not one of them. However, that did not stop this sex toy company from making an exact replica of Eugene Levy’s fist to stuff where you please. This probably didn’t sell due to the fact that Eugene Levy is one of the hairiest men on Planet Earth and no one wants to get his body hair lodged inside of them. I love Eugene Levy as a comedic actor, but not as a sensual fister. #sixriversbrewery

#humboldtmade

1300 CENTRAL AVE, MCKINLEYVILLE // 707-839-7580 // SIXRIVERSBREWERY.COM

The Shiatsu Pocket Pussy

This product was available at Brookstone all year long until the people at the top finally realized that not every man wants their penis to get a shiatsu massage while having sex. In fact, most men don’t hold any tension in their penis from stress whatsoever so a vigorous rubdown is not exactly what they’re looking for. If anything, if your penis is hard it is a good thing and really trying to work it out with some strong, mechanical fingers is not the right thing to do.

Eggible Underwear

The eggible underwear took after the edible thong craze and combined it with Taco Bell’s naked egg taco. The naked egg taco formed an egg into a taco shell and then filled it up with taco fillings. The eggible underwear is the same thing, except the egg has been formed into underwear for a man or woman to wear, and their loving partner can chew it off. This is more of a breakfast version of edible underwear. One you can eat on the way to work. However, this one lead to too many grease burns on lover’s erotic zones and quickly the sales took a huge dip.

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Zombie Bunny

Aaron Pitcher, contributor

HUMBOLDT COUNTY, NV - A whole new means of amusement opened up Tuesday for Union Township resident Michael "Mikey" Rasmussen, Jr., 5, when he discovered that his parents' glass water pipe, valued at $149.99 from Purple Haze Gift & Boutique, made what in his mind amounts to one sweet ray gun. The child, described variably by neighbors as "rambunctious", "high-energy", and "that little monster", spent much of the afternoon running about his Melarkey Street home making "pew! pew!" noises and "shooting" the pricey apparatus at imaginary intruders. At one point his makeshift weapon made contact with a potted vase, shattering the latter. The vase, valued at $6.95 + tax from a local Target retailer, was deemed replaceable. Further damage was avoided by the fact that the particular curves of the implement actually fit fairly neatly into Rasmussen's otherwise awkward clutches, with the bowl/stem configuration providing a handy "trigger" to augment his meager grip. The one reported incident of accidental dropping occurred, to the relief of all interested parties, as the youngster attempted to scale a cushy sofa back. Mikey's father, Michael Rasmussen, Sr., was visibly shaken at his son's incursion. "I keep that bong in a locked box inside a locked room. The kid is some kind of a genius. An evil genius, even, maybe. Yesterday he walked up real calm and told me I was sitting in his seat. Said it like a man would, definitely an implied threat. I got up and moved. I don't think I'm cut out to be a parent." His wife Melinda Rasmussen echoed the sentiment. "I don't think my husband is cut out to be a parent," she said. "That boy's got his number. I'll tell you a story. Last month our yorkie Sasha drags home a fullgrown rabbit she'd killed, and how she did, either, I'll never know. Mikey, naturally, is thrilled. 'Zombie Rabbit,’ he calls it. So then Dingbat, I mean my life partner, tells his one -- and at this point probably only -- offspring to go throw the bloody thing into the woods out back. Of course he doesn't, because Zombie Rabbit needs a place to sleep, and where better than right underneath Mikey's bed? The house still reeks."

Photo by Dutch Savage

For his part, Mikey Rasmussen's commentary on the day's revelatory experience was more succinct. He said simply, "My gun is see-through, so that beats your gun!" and then kicked our correspondent.

LEVIMANIS.COM

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Evan Vest, contributor

In the later 1990s, Ryan Jaunzemis was the king of soaping, a sport that combined elements of skateboarding along with what now would be called parkour. Using shoes with a grind plate attached at the bottom, Ryan was soaping his way into magazines and sponsorships, until an e-mail blunder cost him almost anything. The short documentary Soap or Die chronicles the tale with stoke levels only appropriate for such a story, and also offers some motivation to live how you like. I asked Ryan some questions about soap, smoke, and living to the fullest. Evan: Hey man, thanks for doing this interview. The documentary Soap or Die features footage of your old school days as a soaper, and it made me really nostalgic. If you could help bring back another thing from the 90s-early 2000s what would it be? Ryan Jaunzemis: Oh, definitely pogs. Pogs really were the Fidget Spinners of the early 90s (‘93 & ‘94). Pogs & Slammers. I think with the help of social media and YouTube it could be done, that way kids would know the real rules and there could also be more competitions instead of just the main one that they used to have at Disneyland. Also, we need pogs with naked ladies on them. Maybe screenshots from YouPorn or PornHub. E: Oh that would rule. Pogs definitely get me in the mood for some Pornhub. You've had success in the PUA (pick up artists) scene in Vegas. What have you've found to be the most effective body soap to use before talking to an attractive woman? R: I have a few different ones to recommend: Herbal Essences has one called “Long Term Relationship.” I don’t really use it, but I like to keep a new bottle in my shower as it subliminally hints to women certain elements of a long-term romance with me. My favorite body wash or shampoos would def be Avalon Organics’ “Strengthening Peppermint,” since it has a cool & fresh peppermint feeling, and also Dial for Men’s “Magnetic.” I also frequently use Pantene Pro-V’s “Classic Clean.” E: A quote attached to you says you like to smoke bud. Are you more of an indica or sativa kind of guy? Is it easier to Soap after blazing one? R: Really it depends on what I’m going to do with the high. I usually only smoke by myself. If it’s to help me sleep I enjoy a nice indica, like bubblegum, which will help me to relax and pass right out. If i am producing music or writing lyrics I like a nice sativa, such as Acapulco Gold or Sour Diesel. And if I’m just chilling or want to watch a movie and relax I like to use a hybrid like Girl Scout Cookies (forum cut). Actually Soaping while I’m high can be fun if I’m in the right mood, but I usually just like to watch Soap videos like Relate Video Productions’ oNe & tWo when I smoke (full-length Soap videos) and they give me great ideas and motivate & inspire me. Then, after I sober up the next day, I head out to hit the streets and get my grind on. E: I totally relate. I regulate my strains according to my daily goals. What I enjoyed the most about the documentary was how you have genuine love for something some may feel is a trend that has passed, but you truly are one of the best at something that is actually incredibly difficult and dangerous. What advice would you give to younger people who may be insecure about what kind of path they are on? R: Fuck what anyone thinks. Just do you. Make your life all about accomplishing your dreams & goals. Focus intently on what you want, and then begin to take immediate, progressive action steps now in order to accomplish whatever it is in which you may desire. Follow Ryan Jaunzemis on Instagram @jaunzemis and his Youtube Youtube.com/Jaunzemis Evan Vest is on twitter @EvanVestIsReal

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Creepy Toys for Children Teddy Ruxpin

Raggedy Anne doll

Creepy Mo-Fo that talks and rolls his eyes around. Need I say more?

Howdy Doody

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a ventriloquist. I had Howdy Doody and Charlie McCarthy dolls. It was all fun and games until I read Night of the Living Dummy by R.L. Stine. Then I was sure those fuckers were alive and going to try and kill me in my sleep.

Ray Flynn, staff

Ever heard of the possessed doll Annabelle?

Furby

Another talking beast with wandering eyes. This one however, is definitely plotting against you. Especially if you have more than one.

Pet rock

It could go rogue and smash your child's skull.

Old-fashioned eyeless doll

I can't believe kids ever had these and were okay with it.

Hug Me Elmo He'll hug the life right out of your child.

The Bible

Hellfire and eternal damnation, kids!

Good Guy doll

A.K.A. Chucky. This doll does not play well with others.

Baby Alive

This baby is a bilingual cryer. Real, creepy tears are shed when this humanoid is upset.

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Celebrity Snacks Unclassified

Zack Newkirk, staff

Celebs are just like us. They wear jean shorts. They pound off. And baby, you better believe they love to snack! But what do they snack ON? That's the question that has kept philosophers up all night for thousands of years. Famous people are usually rich, so does that mean they all eat caviar and carpaccio di cavallo in between meals and at midnight? Is that what you think? Huh? You stupid idiot. No, man! I already said THEY'RE JUST LIKE US. And thanks to my shadowy network of cutthroat spies and clandestine agents -- some of whom gave their very lives in order to gather this valuable intelligence -- I'm about to tell you some Celebrity Snack Secrets:

TINA FEY

This comedy powerhouse likes to snuggle up with her dogs and munch on Country Crock butter substitute.

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

There's nothing this Oscar winner likes more than jogging down the Santa Monica pier scarfing fistfuls of Country Crock margarine.

MADONNA

If it's food that you can spread stuff on, you bet that this "material girl" has caked it with delicious Country Crock and gobbled it down.

BO JACKSON

"What's that? You don't have any creamy Country Crock spread here? Then I hope you have insurance, because I'm about to tear this restaurant to pieces with my baseball bat!" the two-sport star has been known to say.

you scrog bro?

Well, that's it! All four of the famous celebrities you’ve heard of love the smooth, rich flavor of Country Crock margarine. Wow. Welp, see ya! Paid for by Country Crock, a Unilever brand

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Where Are They Now? Interview with Slinky

Keith D, contributor

I recently got to catch up with my childhood hero, Slinky. As we all know, Slinky had fallen into some dark times, but during our interview he was lucid, articulate, and downright charming. So without further ado, here is the unedited transcript of our conversation: KD: Slinky, it’s great to see you, and I must say you are looking much healthier than those TMZ pictures. Slinky: Yeah, you know there was some time there where I was all tangled up and spun out and a lot of people never thought I’d be able to get straight again. But I just needed to stretch out and unwind. KD: Let’s go back to the 90s. You were a superstar, a household name, at the second peak of your career, but what was going on behind the scenes? Slinky: Man, I was just rolling every day. And then when I got into doing escalators--[laughs]-- man, that shit was just non-stop. I kept chasing that escalator dragon all day, man... You can’t go back to rolling on stairs after that. And it was all downhill from there… [sobs hysterically]

Slinky at rock bottom, July 2009 (Photo courtesy of TMZ)

KD: Walk me through the night of that infamous TMZ photo. Slinky: Well, back in those days I could barely walk myself through a night [laughs]. But drug addiction is no joke, and I was an addict. Hey, speaking of drugs, you got any drugs? KD: I don’t know, are cocaine and fentanyl drugs? [laughs and busts out pills and powder] Slinky: LET’S GET SLUNK! ------------------------------------------------------

Slinky at Pride ‘97

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Slinky died shortly after this interview. RIP Slinky (1943-2017)

Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report

Dutch Savage, staff

Day 9 First thing on the agenda today after scarfing breakfast (yet another weird hot tomato), all while watching the dogs in the yard “playing with each other,” was to walk over a short foot bridge to Carrigafoyle Castle’s resting ruins near the house and see if Ron left us absolutely anything… a clue, a footprint, a shit, a piss, a resting fart, anything. The castle is open to whomever makes it this far…. and it is entirely up to the individual, albeit brave or stupid, to enter on their own accord. Immediately upon entering at our own risk we witness a mass of birds flying towards us and away from the ghosts in the guts of the dilapidation. We head straight for the stone spiral staircase… up to a view of the southern bank of the Shannon estuary adjacent to the house where we slept. No sign of Ron; he is a slick one. Even his farts. Towards the very top of the stairs we come to a strange room… it is where pigeons were once kept for food in the medieval pigeon-eating era. This area of Carrigafoyle was the only part of the structure in which I felt absolutely consumed by strange energy. EVP machine haywire and breaks in Simone’s clutch. Vertigo quickly surrounded me and I couldn’t feel myself standing straight. “Gotta go!” “Are you OK?!” “No!”

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Damn near left my own shit and a piss as I flew towards the door… we left quicker than we entered and slid down the jagged stone staircase descent. Simone was right behind me but didn’t have the same raw experience, so despite the screwed machine she remained somewhat confused. Birds everywhere as if they were trying to protect us. From what, I don’t want to know. Feeling terribly haunted. I need a pseudo exorcism. We walked slowly back to the house to catch my bad breath and fetch the nice car. Simone drove us in the black rental in the direction of a nearby town called Ballybunion, a beach town where Irish go on vacation during their few hot days. Simone is a pro at the opposite driving experience. First we stop by the only supermarket for miles to pick up a bottle of Powers. “The beach cures everything,” Simone reassured me as she kept the last of the broken ghost radar readings to herself. “And whisky.” Drove through neighboring town, Asdee, County Kerry, former home of the father of Jesse James and current home of the Jesse James Tavern. Ballybunion was but a handful of miles away from there and was packed tight with authentic Irish tourists. We are the only Americans if you don’t count the odd statue of a golfing Bill Clinton… hard to tell if we are the only agents here.

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On the edge of the cliff is a remnant of another castle, this one not entirely gone from certain equivocal erosion. Good. I am a little castled out after that last one this morning. Surrounded by a sea of lucky Irish destined for escape… can’t be sure but no one seems to notice us. Dipped into one of the few coin-op arcades… lost several foreign coins to a few little-kid gambling devices. Carnival rides across the way are lit and spinning. We chose the “Waltzer,” a bastard tilt-

OPEN MIC

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a-whirl step-cousin puke ride for people who want to feel terrible. “That ought to shake the remaining poison specters from your soul.” I don’t know what I would do without Simone here by my side. For about an hour after spinning like a fool for a few minutes I thought I might have a revisitation from the fish I ate just before the ride. Sat on the cliffs and saw the sun not yet set, stomach settled, so to nearby McMunn’s for a pint before the drive back to Ballylongford. Pissed in a church where the man said it was nice to see people besides all the kids who have been glued to their phones for the past week. Apparently a Pokemon is virtually at the old church. Not the kind of slimer we are looking for. I can not believe there is wifi. Town is dead until the bars are open, then it’s just kind of dead. “Follow the pub trail, just like we did in Dublin. Find Ron.” First one was and is called the Horse and Hound. Pleasant older woman bartender poured us our Powers and ginger ales and kept talking. Her name is Nora, very thick accent, took me a few minutes to follow her properly. She seemed to understand everything we said to her, and she was great. There was us, Nora, and a man who came in and left, didn’t say a word until we were leaving. People have been exceptionally friendly to us here in Ireland. Nora said that the people in Limerick are not so much, even to her kind soul. Nora also said that Ballylongford has one supermarket, 400 or 500 people, no longer a police department, and six pubs. “Let’s hit all the pubs.” The next bar, M. Finucane Pub, recently featured in a documentary about Irish pubs called The Irish Pub. A lot more people but less than eight, tons of old shit on the walls. No Ron, no trace, few ghosts, Simone has the EVP machine working at about 33.333333 percent. The bar reminded us of Casey’s Place in Alleghany, or Logger Bar in Blue Lake. At least the small Irish town version of places like that. “Carrigafoyle freaked me out… no wonder Ron wasn’t there.” Simone took another Powers back to the throat. “I almost thought I saw something.” Simone has been known to see spirits on occasion. Sometimes drinking spirits causes me to see things too. Back at the house we dodge G. and P. Dee in the living quarters and head up the stairs to our room. Messages previously slipped under our door detail our next move… where we have to go… where the Agency sends us in accordance to where intelligent sources have detained somewhat authentic Captain Ron data. Simone finds the beef: “Tomorrow we leave early and see another small town. Not this small; this town is very small even for ghosts. There is a creature there… we have to find it.” What was left of my stomach sank into my upper ass. “Wicklow? Rawhead Rex?!” Simone looks at me, pauses, and takes a big gulp from the Powers. “Dingle. We are going to Dingle. Ron was seen by sources riding a dolphin near the vacant islands off the coast while you nearly shit your pants at Carrigafoyle. At least that is what The Agency believes.” “You had me at ‘Dingle.’ Captain Ron James, ‘Dolphin Rider’… Dude never ceases to impress.” Lights off in our room and in our heads. 34

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(To be continued) 35

The Louis C.K. Action Figure!

Cornell Reid and Chris Durant, contributors

With Cum-Fu Grip! Shows up at your house whether you ordered it or not! Fits most doorways. One pack of “Rope Shooter Goo” refill bottle included. You don’t even play with the action figure, you just watch it play with itself. Four years after you receive the toy you get a half-assed apology letter. Cums, I mean, comes with a ticket to see his latest film I Love You, Daddy. But you gotta go watch it at his hotel room. With 90% more Smug! Designed, molded, and manufactured all by Louis himself.

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I Had To Put My Pet Rock Down The hills are alive with the sound of Kaaaay-Slug!

Pat Dylan, contributor

"I always thought my parents hated me, but I wasn't sure until the Christmas of 1984," Timmy Smith said. "They got me a damn pet rock, but it wasn't even one of the store-bought ones. It was right out of the front yard. It still had dirt and shit on it they didn't even wash it off. They said it was a ‘rescue’ rock and we were going to be its ‘forever’ home. Fuck that; my brother got an Atari, you assholes," he fumed. The official Pet Rocks were created by a soulless advertising executive named Gary Dahl and released in 1975. The original version came complete with an instruction booklet (if you bought one chances are you were too stupid to read), a box with ventilation holes (to further confuse the idiot who purchased it), and an empty bag emblazoned with "rock food" (can be used to hold weed and may fool a cop who owns a pet rock). While intended as a joke, it inevitably became a tool in exposing terrible parent's favoritism, such as the case with the Smiths. "I said fuck that and fuck them! I started carrying that rock around everywhere and talking to it like it was a god damned Pomeranian! I even named it Priscilla after my mom; she fuckin hated that! It pissed them off so bad I guess I can see now why they liked my brother better," Timmy recounted. Sometimes Timmy would scream, "Priscilla doesn't like you!" and drop the rock with considerable force on the foot of an unsuspecting victim. Timmy realized he had a problem 25 years later when he shattered Father Gene's foot in 12 places at his mother's funeral. He knew after that he had to let Priscilla go, saying, "I knew it was just a rock at first, but it became something more than just a tool, or a safety blanket... it became a friend. I couldn't just leave her in some random garden or throw her through a shop window; nope, she had to be put down respectfully. I took her to the doctor's office, and he was going to do it for like $200.00, but I figured I could do it myself for cheaper. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do... literally! I never had a job. I mean, who would hire a crazy fucker talking to a rock?"

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Henderson Centaur Interview

Ben Allen, music editor

When the Henderson Centaur awoke from its 352-year slumber in the remote coastal village of Eureka, it was confused. The half-man/halfbeast was disoriented and angry. In a moment of absolute desperation, the creature began screeching, screaming and vocalizing its discontent in a frightened, abrasive manner. These sounds can be heard while strolling through Eureka's Henderson Center, the captive beast expressing its agony and despair. Through inexplicable telepathic means, I was able to psychically connect with the Henderson Centaur, a group of humans who recreate the expressions of this creature in an auditory format. I inquired into their expression of sound, some which may even fall into the category of "music." Ben: So, let's get right to it. Which one of you screwed a horse and created all of those centaur babies running around Eureka's Henderson Center? Henderson Centaur: Centaurus. Ben: Is most of your music improvisational? When the hell are you going to get off your lazy asses and write some real songs? Henderson Centaur: In mythology, Centaurus is the father of the race of mythological beasts known as the centaurs or Ixionidae. The centaurs are half-man, half-horse; having the torso of a man extending where the neck of a horse should be. They were said to be wild, savage, and lustful. Ben: Just kidding about that last question. I sincerely appreciate the raw, untarnished expression that "comes" from improvisational music. What genre do you feel best defines what Henderson Centaur is doing?

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Ben: What ever happened to that idea of starting a band that Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine

HENDERSON CENTAUR, continued from previous page... wrote songs about your dogs and your dicks? Is that Henderson Centaur? Why not just call the band Dog Dick? Henderson Centaur: Here is where Ixion saw Hera, Zeus’ wife and queen of the gods. He instantly fell in love with her beauty and began to desire her sexually. Ben: To me, the sounds created by your ensemble are unclassifiable in the best possible sense. What artists inspire your group to do what you do? Henderson Centaur: Zeus soon became aware of the situation. He was in disbelief that Ixion would betray him and his sincere kindness so he set a trap. Ben: What does the near future hold for Henderson Centaur? Are you going to take up Kid Rock's offer to open for him at that white pride rally? Henderson Centaur: Zeus found Ixion sleeping in a field and created a cloud figure of Hera. Zeus laid the figure, who was later named Nephele, next to Ixion. Ben: Finally, everyone wants to know; would you immediately enter the porn industry if you were hung like a centaur? Henderson Centaur: When Ixion awoke, he thought Hera was laying naked beside him and began to have sex with her.

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Games and the Games That Game Them

Ouija board Trevor Lockwood, contributor

Since the beginning of time, toys have existed, obviously. Ya know, since your parents weren’t all too bored before your funky face came to be, they had toys growing up as well! Some of my favorite toys have just been revamped trinkets of yesteryear. Take the ancient stick. When I was growing up I played with a stick as well, but in the modern age it was no longer made of that old-ass “wood” the geriatrics are used to, mine was made of hard as lego brick plastic! Scientific! Just look around, as the world keeps turning we keep updating and upgrading our favorite toys and games. Take a peep at some of the new games you can find at your local thrift store just in time for next year’s black friday five finger sale!

How else are you supposed to talk to your pet ghost-dog, or ask your grandma where she hid her lucky tooth before her “mysterious” passing? Now with the age of that good-tastin’, brain-tinglin’ WiFi we can now reach the spirits far and wide! It’s a simple setup process. All you have to do it enter in your super secret password, “GOD” if you’re a Hackers fan, with your wireless pointer that comes paired with the letter board (now with Emojis!). There is also a rad screen installed on the device so you can even see the spirits on the other side! To be honest, it’s just a live-feed of a convalescent home. It technically counts as visiting, so they are pretty cheery with the interaction, and you don’t have to hide your true fear interacting with someone from a “different time,” uncomfortable comments and all!

Operation The fun game that made you afraid of picking out your splinters with tweezers connected to a car battery is back! This time around all of the operations are updated for a more modern OR. Botox in the face, tummy tuck, and even gender reassignment surgery, to name a few. An added stressful step is trying not to sew up any of your equipment inside of the patient and avoiding a malpractice suit. Don’t forget to proudly post your honorary doctorate provided in the game from the University of Phoenix!

Jenga We all know this tipsy bastard that we always played once or twice before using the blocks to start a marshmallow-cookin’ fire. Well, the new version is here! Instead of those complicated moving pieces, this game can now be found in the digital era. To be honest, it’s just a yoga DVD, but the concept is the same. You used the DVD to try to find inner peace before your life inevitably falls down around you.

Monopoly In this day and age our economy is inflating like a balloon, or crashing like your weird uncle when trying to get home from the bar. This new Monopoly game reflects this. Now everything is bought and sold with credit -- swipe or chip, they both work. The bank is now too big to fail and has had its own government bailout. It also doesn’t matter what piece your pick, all players start with 50k in student debt for some useless arts degree. With every pass of GO you have to make sure you make at least your minimum payment on your loans. Of course, no game of Monopoly is played without a few house rules. I myself play with Humboldt County rules: whenever someone lands on my space and they try to hand me their card to pay for staying at one of my swanky hotels, I turn them down with a cocky “cash only.” Welcome to the wonderful world of tomorrow and keep your eyes peeled for anymore up-to-date games and toys that you recognize from your childhood. Then again, video games exist. You’ll catch me stuck in front of my TV ignoring everything that has been purchased for me just to play whatever brand new first-person shooter that has barely been remastered or fixed or whatever.

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Couple’s Counseling

Anica Cihla and Thomas Bridgeman, contributors

"“I’m moving to Chicago soon. How do I make restarting in a new city a little less painful?” - Chris Mejia Anica: The key to starting over fresh in a new city is details. Focus on those, and it’ll make the transition so much easier. Did you remember to keep an overnight bag with your essentials, so you don’t get to your new pad and realize your toothbrush is at the bottom of a box? Did you make sure you got your utilities turned on ahead of time, so you can comfortably live in your new home the first night you arrive? What about your identity? Alter your appearance enough that They won’t be able to trace you? Did you leave a paper trail? Jesus, I hope you paid for everything in nonsequential bills and destroyed your credit cards and cellphone. That’s how They get you. Did you burn your fingerprints off? Don’t forget to check Reddit for local interest groups, and to check the skies for Their drones.

Tom: Day1: Paint the phrase “go fuck yourselves” on your Mother’s Winnebago; pretend it “broke down” across center lanes during rush hour. Stand atop nude pumping two middle fingers at the authorities until arrested. You’ll feel like a God, make the papers, AND give those cops/new friends(?) a great story for the cop showers. Day 2/jail release: Urinate on every street crossing within a 5 mile radius of your home. This’ll let the dogs know who’s boss. Day 3: Shave everything, and I mean everything*... once the ritual cleansing is complete you’ll start to feel like you belong.

* shaving 1½ eyebrows may suffice provided you got some real caterpillars up there, but… c’mon, it’s a little weird. Day 4: Doff your hat and smile when your impulses tell you to look at the ground (USE ONLY IF YOUR BLEEDING GUMS THING IS IN REMISSION). Day 5: Carry a bag of unwrapped (<--very important) hard candies. When you’re lonely, suck on one, spit it out, and wait for some ants. After that all you gotta do is yell at people to come see the “walking dirt” you found. … Tah-dah! You’re welcome! P.S. If mother hides the keys to her RV in her “smash cache” of selfmade vintage porn, don’t fear the Oedipal complexion… use it!

Chris is a standup comic who can be found on Twitter and IG @tophermejia and online at www. chrismejia.com. Tom and Anica are comics, artists, and best friends in love. 48

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Toys that Look Like We Made Them Up But Are Really Real Sometimes this SHIT writes itself. Enjoy!

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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF||| The dying owner of a colorful and surreal Toys (1992) company leaves everything to his brother, a fascist military general, to help his adult son Robin Williams grow up. Uncle decides to cut wacky Williams out of the game: small-sized remote control planes that fly bombs to "hostile" countries, played by kids, for "an inexpensive military for the future.”

A garbage pail spaceship arrives to earth bearing The Garbage Pail Kids (1987), who are kept in the pail with magic by an antiques dealer. Bullies knock the pail over, releasing the yucky kids, who adventure to liberate the freaks from the Home of the Ugly maximum prison. Terrible movie, but hats off to original Garbage Pail Kid artist and Humboldt resident John Pound!

Maniac gunman Brad Dourif curses the cop that kills him and, as he dies, astral-projects his soul into a fancy talking doll. A desperate mom buys a black market fancy talking doll for her Child's Play (1988). The fancy talking doll, Chucky, doesn't need batteries…

A traveling family, suddenly stuck, finds refuge in a stormy backwoods mansion where a creepy doll maker lives. The creeper gives their little girl, Judy, his favorite doll, Punch. Then some punker ladies show up and out come the stop-motion Murder Dolls (1987).

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) is Hasbro ruining a pro-military toy further with cheap computer graphics, writing, and costumes. The elite force follows their own rules while battling Cobra's fancy bombs. Now you know…

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Continued next page... 53

|CONTINUED|FROM|P.53||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| A cottage of stop-motion friends share a universe of Toys in the Attic (2009). The fascist head dictator with arms kidnaps one of the friends. The rest set out across their lands on an amazing adventure to save their friend and smash the state, portrayed with multiple styles of animation and Iive action, blended together beautifully.

Black Devil Doll (2007) is a rough attempt at throwback blaxploitation/sexploitation/everythingsploitation and clearly tries to push all the buttons of bad taste and flavor. A black militant serial killer's soul is transferred into a doll who slaps/kills/rapes a bunch of white people. Reviewed by an all-white jury.

The animated non-stop actioner Transformers: The Movie (1986) clearly starts after the T.V. show that introduced the toy Autobots that are more than meets the eye, and before Michael Bay was rightly mocked for his lamely-helmed endeavor. Let's all sing “You've Got the Touch” together!

50 years ago, a Puppet Master (1989) puts a gun to his head to keep some sinister Germans from finding the secret to instilling one's soul into creepy stop-motion puppets and/ or your own dead body. Now, in the time of mullets, four psychics converge on a hotel to find the secret and become the next confusing premise.

|THE|END|

A creepy military-propaganda-influenced corporation buys a toy company to make A.I. toy Small Soldiers (1989) that turn super violent. Unfunny, clumsy scientist David Cross (such a waste of talent!) is no help to anyone. "Toys is Hell."

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Production notes: The first line of defense in the toy industry

Josh Argyle, staff

Toys aren’t released to the public without being first run through a gauntlet of tests. Safety, durability, and fun value are some of the most common tests. However, first they must come under the scrutiny of the toy company’s production notes. Here are some of our favorites throughout the years.

He-Man Notes 1983 We love the idea. This is going to be a huge seller. Kids need a new superhero type and we think this is it. However, we do have a couple of notes. One, where are his pants? Two, where is his shirt? Three, why do his nipples seem to be a prominent feature in his design? We love this to,y although it seems quite homoerotic. Please change the name of his castle from castle Great Head to Grey Skull and please change the name of his villain from Deep Bone to Skeletor. Have it on my desk by Monday.

Skipper (Barbie’s baby sister) Notes 1988 We are very excited with this toy. Finally an addition to out Barbie family. However, we are a little apprehensive. If Skipper is Barbie’s baby sister then where is her Mom? Where is her Dad? Did they die? Is Barbie like Batman? Things could get real dark. Also, is Barbie taking care or her? She is already a Doctor, Firefighter, Piot, Vet, Teacher, and an Astronaut. Who is going to take care of her? Is the Barbie home a broken home? Have it on my desk by Monday.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Notes 1989 Stop drilling you’ve hit oil! We absolutely love this toy line. Everything about it is fantastic. Well almost everything. Instead of the Turtles drinking a glass of whiskey before they fight the bad guys how about they eat a pizza instead? Also, instead of yelling, “The Holocaust never happened” before a fight, what about yelling, “Turtle Power”? Either way, have it on my desk by Monday.

Bratz Dolls Notes 2001 We love this toy! Finally, a doll to knock Barbie off of her smug pedestal. We only have a couple of notes. Is there a way we could make them look less like runways who strip down by the Waffle House? Also, my wife said they look very “HPVy.” I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound good. Have them on my desk by Monday.

Hulk Smash: Hulk Hands Notes 2008 This toy is gonna be huge! Huge movie tie-in opportunities! There is only one issue. We are in litigation with an adult toy company over the tag line for the toy. The current tag line, “A fist full of fun,” looks like it is a no-go. One of out interns has suggested the tagline, “Get a friend, it’s fisting time.” Mull it over and have it on my desk by Monday. 56

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Bud Time

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors

Strain: Hot Berry Grower: Sunrise Mountain Farms Redbeard: It’s a total mindfuck. You get caught up in this very flavorful bouquet of berries and like, pepper and cheesecake, then you realize that you’re levitating and your third eye is way wide open and hella bloodshot. I’ve never gotten higher off of a doob in my life.

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Great Bars of the West

William Toblerone and Chris Durant, contributors

The inaugural column! Since we’re out cruisin’ the highways and droppin’ mags and slangin’ sudz (responsibly, of course), we thought, “Let’s showcase some of the best watering holes out there.” Duffy’s - Chico, CA Signature Drink: Tullamore Dew neat Most popular song on the jukebox: “I Love Life” by Jimmy Luxury Bartender: Cheeseburger What food would most likely be put on a triscuit: Triple cream blue cheese If this bar was an ocean animal, which one would it be: Mantis shrimp If this bar was buried over an ancient burial ground, what the hell would you do: Party to death If you had a crystal ball, how would you destroy it: Fax machine scene from Office Space

Callahan’s - Santa Cruz, CA Signature Drink: Crown Royal on tap Song on juke: Anything David Allen Coe Bartender: Leta What food would most likely be put on a Triscuit: Funky-ass cheese Fun Fact: Bar was named for Dirty Harry If you had a Magic 8 Ball, how would you destroy it: Dump it into a vat of fireball until someone accidently digests it If this bar was an ocean animal, which one would it be: Otter, spelled Odder If this bar was buried over an ancient burial ground: It’s already haunted, so serve the ghosts 60

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Ben’s 10

Volume XCII:

Letters to Santa from Your Favorite Musicians

The following were intercepted en-route to the North Pole and offer amazing insight into the toys that will make these rockers joyful this holiday season. Dear Santa, Please bring me a Tickle Me Elmo. I have been a good boy. I want someone small that I can cuddle all the time that will only giggle when I touch them where they pee pee and poo poo, and not take me to court. - Michael Jackson

Dear Santa, One of my friends told me there is a clock that fits on your wrist? You don't have to wear a big one around your neck anymore to know what time it is? Please bring me one of these “watches” with Mickey Mouse. - Flava Flav

Ben Allen, music editor Santa, I want a My Little Pony purple unicorn with beautiful, pink hair that I can brush and love all the time. I am a good boy. - Trent Reznor

Mr. S. Claus, I am a tired, boring old man and want an awesome Stegosaurus for Christmas. They are more relevant and a younger species than me or my band. I have been good this year and only made love to two of my house pets. - Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)

Mr. Claus, This year I would like a chemistry set as I am curious… about… chemistry. I want to try to make stuff with chemicals and maybe one day be a chemist studying new medicines when I grow up. Yeah, that's it… I want to be a chemist. Please bring it to me as my behavior has been exemplary all year. - Keith Richards Santa, My Mommy says I should learn to cook so I can “feed my own fat ass.” I don't know what that means, but I would like a My Happy Kitchen for Christmas this year. Can you bring it for me? That would make me so happy and I am a good boy. - Meatloaf

Santa Baby, If I can't have you, you sexy beast, I want a Malibu Ken doll. Yummy, his legs are so muscular, his skin is so perfect, and that chest. Please make him anatomically correct as well so I can learn about where boys pee pee. I have been a good girl this year, but just released a shitty new album. - Taylor Swift

Dear Santa, I really want a Baby Alive this year. They make piss when they drink water, and you know me, I just love golden showers. This baby doll will make all of my magical holiday urination dreams come true. I have behaved this year, only abusing twelve women, started a cult, and have released amazing music, satisfying millions. Now satisfy me, old man… with pee! - R Kelly

Santa, I want something cute and cuddly to hold each night as I fall asleep while reflecting on how empty and pointless life is. Please bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. My behavior has been perfect this year. - Marilyn Manson

Santa, I have been having heart palpitations and would like a My First Medical kit to learn how to help people and their health. I want to be a cardiologist when I am a big boy and help others. I have been good and continued to tour and release the same damn (awesome) song for the last forty years. Make my dreams come true! - Tom Petty

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Lee Ranaldo - Electric Trim Ben Allen, music editor Free from the restraints of seminal punk noise legends Sonic Youth, Lee Ranaldo has fully realized his musical ambitions on his latest record. If Sonic Youth were the Beatles, Ranaldo would be George Harrison, and Electric Trimis his All Things Must Pass. Album opener “Moroccan Mountains” embraces Ranaldo’s love for all things 1960’s and psychedelic. The track sounds much like something off of The Doors’ L.A. Woman, slow and mysterious with Lee’s spoken word vocals followed by Morrison-yelps. Later, it picks up momentum into a frantic pace, mirroring the sounds of The Velvet Underground’s “Heroin.” The duet with Sharon Van Etten “Last Looks” is one of the more pleasingly straightforward compositions in Ranaldo’s catalog, and quite possibly the prettiest piece of music he’s ever committed to tape. While at times, there’s a certain level of inconsistency and randomness to the songs, they somehow manage to coalesce into a triumphant statement. The arrangements feel intentional, but somehow simultaneously disjointed. Ranaldo was only ever allowed a song or two per Sonic Youth album and Electric Trim spectacularly highlight his ability to spread his wings and embark on a glorious voyage into the sun. Stay tuned.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

METZ - Strange Peace Chaps Blue Ribbon, contributor METZ have not lost their taste for smashing out a heavy groove, riding the fuck out of it, then jumping immediately into the next one. Strange Peace is loud, noisy, angular post-punk rock from our friends in the Great White North (Canada). It’s almost like every member of this three piece band is playing percussion. The first track is good but my favorites are “Drained Lake,” “Mr. Plague,” and “Common Trash.” METZ even has a little bit of a Nirvana sound, but that may be because this album was recorded by Steve Albini, who also recorded In Utero. If you like Hot Snakes/Drive Like Jehu, or Fugazi you will enjoy METZ. If you are in your 20’s, do yourself a favor and stop listening to the indie-folk bullshit you think is so meaningful and listen to METZ. The band is not pandering to the hipster sensibilities of the masses.

Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page... 64

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ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

White Manna Bleeding Eyes Andrea Bartunek, contributor For a band who’s name is also a burger chain in New Jersey, White Manna is rad and not at all greasy. Oh and not to mention, they’re from Humboldt. Although they’re touring the world at the moment like a bunch of badasses, you should try to catch them when they’re back in America. If you’re into spaced out stoner psych rock, then White Manna is your spirit animal. If you need to be put in a trance and zone out while the rest of the world decides to keep moving on behind you, then WM’s newest album Bleeding Eyes is your jam. It sounds like they’re singing through a static television. Honestly, it’s impossible to listen to without tapping a foot, softly nodding your head or quietly forming our own mosh pit.

Available at Your Favorite Smoke Shop

White Manna is the kind of band your mother would be appalled by, and that’s a good thing.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

What’s missing here?

Your ad!

If you want stuffy-shirted, no humor-havin’, big-ass jerks as your customers, don’t advertise with us. But if you want some cool-as-eff folks that are down like the syndrome, then you are in the right place. email advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com 66

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Adult Coloring Page

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Terry Walker, contributor

Palindrome of the Month

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Rejected GI Joe CodeNames

Chris Durant, staff

Around the ol’ GI Joe HQ they only know each other by their kick-ass codenames: Snake Eyes, Stalker, Gung-Ho, Grunt… really powerful, strong, kick-ass names! But they started running out of names later in the years, and, well... here is the list of names rejected by General Hawk:

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Crackhead Jackhammer Operator

Redbeard Ruminations

I just dabbed the stuff in my old Stretch Armstrong and now I’m 15 feet tall. I’m pretty sure I’m one of the OG Ninja Turtle toys.

I use my Creepy Crawler oven to cure my blunts. My Cabbage Patch Kid, Garfield, tasted like shit.

My Teddy Ruxpin currently has the Coneheads soundtrack in it.

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Top 5 Hottest Toys of 2017 Mike Pence Toy Roomba

Cleans up political messes you create through any form of communication, from firsthand meets to Twitter rants. (Doesn’t actually clean up anything.)

Gage Hensley, contributor

Kevin Spacey ActIon Figure

Denies any allegation that slightly involves him. With Kung-Fu grip that works on anyone who works under him and a button that turns him gay at will.

Childrens’ Astros Hat from 2005

My Little Voting Ballot

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Tickle Me Weinstein

Currently out of production.

Finally, a way to let your child jump on the same bandwagon you’re currently riding. With a hat that has realistic vintage look from their last World Series appearance, creating the illusion that they have also been a fan since the loss (even though they most likely weren’t born yet). Go ahead and dust off the ‘Stros hat you only bought when they were doing something and be a lame front running poser as a whole family!

Top 15 Cracker Jack Prizes

Jaclyn Weiand, contributor

According to Wikipedia, Cracker Jack discontinued physical prizes in 2016. Did anyone tell me before I started this thrilling piece of investigative journalism about Cracker Jack prizes? Short answer: no. Long answer: hell no! I didn't learn until AFTER I bought 40 bags of the stuff and went rooting through each bag like the eager racoon of a woman that I am. My efforts were rewarded with 40 download codes for the same mobile game printed on a tiny cardboard square the exact size as a goddamn temporary tattoo. I was livid. I drove down to the local swap meet to cool off. I'd get my tiny bullshit trinkets one way or another. It was there I met a witchylooking old woman who lured me to her blanket full of treasures. "There's something here for you," she said mysteriously. "I feel it in my bones." Now, I'm the last person who wants an old lady’s bones to be wrong, so I examined each item upon the blanket very carefully. It hurt me to say, but through disappointed tears I sighed, “I’m sorry, but most of these are Nascar commemorative plates, and that’s not really my jam.” “Oh, ok,” the wise old woman replied. “Do you know anyone who would want 40 bags of very old Cracker Jack?” Dear reader, I purchased every last bag from her that day and compiled a list of my favorite prizes contained therein. 15. Trading cards featuring big-time personal injury lawyers 14. A french fry 13. Super sticky beanie baby 12. Temporary tattoo of a dog 11. Permanent tattoo of a dog 10. Pocket-sized joke book, but all the jokes are about men getting cheated on by their wives 9. A smaller bag of Cracker Jack 8. Scratch-and-sniff sticker that smells like a toddler’s hands 7. A hula Hoop 6. Dianetics 5. Ben Wa balls 4. A dog biscuit 3. Some Fiddle Faddle® 2. An ancestry mouth swab test 1. A picture of myself from the future The following week I returned to the flea market. I couldn’t find the mysterious old woman anywhere, and decided to ask around. “Old lady?” I described her to stand owners: “Long white hair? Mystical eyes? Little tiddies?” “Oh!” exclaimed the fellow manning a churro stand. “That’s Janice. Was she bothering you? We told her she’s not allowed to come here anymore. Puts a bunch of her pubes in everything she sells.” 76

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Savage Henry Horoscopes Breaker (Communications Officer) March 21 to April 19 “He’s (she) efficient and self assured and he has the uncanny ability to turn adverse situations to his (her) favor.” Grunt (Infantry Trooper) April 20 to May 20 “A highly motivated, systematic individual. “He (she) is a stand-up guy (gal) who doesn’t blow his cool in a fire-fight.” Scarlett (Counter Intelligence) May 21 to June 20 “Confident and resilient... it’s remarkable that a person so deadly can still retain a sense of humor.” Rock ‘N Roll (Machine Gunner) June 21 to July 22 “Cunning but naive; forceful but shy. Possesses a strong sense of loyalty to his (her) teammates and is sincerely concerned about their well being. Snake Eyes (Commando) July 23 to August 22 “A total msytery, but he’s (she’s) real good at his (her) job, heck, he’s (she’s) the best.” Stalker (Ranger) August 23 to September 22 “Functions well under high stress situations. Intelligent. Perceptive. Moves like some sort of jungle cat - silent - fast...strong.”

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Gung-Ho (Marine) September 23 to October 22 Gung-Ho is the hairiest, scariest, craziest jarhead that ever scratched, kicked, and his (her) way out of that hole in the swamp they call Parris Island.”

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Cobra Commander October 23 to November 21 “Is hatred and evil personified. Corrupt. A man (woman) without scruples. Probably the most dangerous man (woman) alive.” Flash (Laser Rifle Trooper) November 22 to December 21 “Methodical and persistent. Has an innate and unshakeable faith in the order of the universe.” Major Blood (Mercenary) December 22 to January 19

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ROYAL GOLD PREMIUM POTTING SOILS

“He will fuck you up with facts!” - Grass Valley “Shut up! I’m trying to be polite!” - Colfax, CA

“If we’re going to keep having sex you need to stop asking me for money.” - Woodrose Cafe

“Well no, see there’s different flavors of asshole.” - long haired guy at Blondies

“This Gorilla Glue makes “Small people little me hate Dr. Phil.” people midgets. I - Trim Scene don’t even know “Oh man, I get what to call black “I’m looking for some of the something with best sleep when people anymore.” - Guy at The Shanty a big hole.” I’m in jail.” - girlshopping for a - NCA pipe, Colfax CA “Honestly your farts probably “She reminds me of smell better than I do right now!” energy drinks. Like - St Joseph hospital cocaine...and malt liquor.” - the Hill “I walked into DUI class with my

EavesDroppings

“Have you ever swallowed a fart from the heart?” - The Hill

“I think snuff was my gateway to cocaine.” - Grass Valley

“When the cops walk by in a sec, make sure not to mention my name bro” - lady outside Sidelines

“This is for all of you who don’t appreciate or believe clown rape is real.” - Friday Ridge

“There’s a light about you” “Drunk is not a color” - drunkle @ The Forks

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“I only want 2 things from a partner: a good hollandaise sauce, and sit on my face.” - Redwood Curtain “I’m a professional. I’m not coming down here for two beers. I’m coming down for two beers times ten.” - dude at The Shanty I try not to have feelings, they tend to get in the way of my drinking” - Arcata house party

eyes looking Colgate white!!!!” - The Hill Guy 1: (singing) “Into the great wide open...” Guy 2: “That’s what I’m “I want to hug you gonna name my butthole. “ like a mannequin.” - Everett’s - Chico “If i was bleeding out of my dick hole I’d be pissed off too” - The Forks “Look what the pig dragged in!” - Placer County Jail

“I don’t need a commitment, I just want you to not fuck my roommate.” -The Alibi

“Yellow like that door?” “Costco tote yellow.” - the Hill “Making bombs is a skill set of mine, not necessarily a hobby.” - unknown

“Of course im fucked up, i was expelled from my dui class today!” - The Hill “I wear size Fat Kid.” - Shooting Ink, Grass Valley

“Dude, it’s so much easier to screw when there’s already a hole there.” - McKinleyville

“Don’t worry I’ll buy some vagina bandaids!” - The Hill

“Fuck a trim machine, I want a time machine” - grower in Trinity

“REM on Ween radio??” “I’ll go to Pandora and burn it to the ground” - the Hill

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

Ailment of the Month

Choking on a Lego They seem to have every size of brick to fit every size of throat, and to top it off they now make Gummy Bricks? That you ARE supposed to eat!?!?! It’s a Goddamn miracle kids make it past the age of 3 these days.

next month:

The awards Issue Awards & Rewards

Thanks a bunch dude

kevin spacey’s oscar picks Send your Contributions to: submit@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n

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