Issue #90 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

trick or treat, smell my feet.... seriously, smell em.

Issue #90

MAGAZINE

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Welcome to the Halloween issue of Savage Henry. Now we know you love our witty, intelligent humor. For this issue we wanted to bring out sheer terror and pure horror. This issue is so scary please expect the following things from reading it. Scared. Vomit. Uncontrollable bouts of “oh boy this is scary”. Looking behind your back. Looking in the closet. Is that bong haunted? Why is this candy chanting? Please enjoy our darkest fears. Guest editor, Matt Redbeard P.S. This issue is super scary. P.S.S. That bong is hella haunted.

CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera CONTRIBUTORS Michel Sargent, Matt Redbeard, Mike Spiegelman, Tiffany Greysen, Rocco Tenaglia, Adam Jacobs, Evan Vest, William Toblerone, Jimmie Menezes, Paul Danke, Aaron Matthess, Cornell Reid, Bruce Lynch, Scott Simpson, Freddy Krueger, Bruce Lynch, Scott Simpson, Gage Hensley, Jaclyn Weiand, OJ Patterson, Sam Greenspan, Andrea Bartunek, DNA, Anica Cihla and Thomas Bridgman, Mike Spiegelman, Terry Walker These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Ray Flynn - Grass Valley, Nevada City...

Cover artist Sonny Wong is a Humboldt County Art Bandito and a Mean ‘Ol Dad. Follow him on Instagram at www.instagram.com/sonnywong001

Josh Argyle - San Francisco W. A. Manuel Arredondo - Santa Cruz Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Weeda Gauwain - Redding Mark Kuchenbecker - Bandon, OR A. Matthess - Crescent City CA/Brookings, OR Jane Malone - Salem, OR Small Planet Distribution - Portland, OR Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above Savage Henry has been in print since 2010, founded by Chris Durant, Sarah Godlin, Monica Durant, and Josh Duke

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It’s really fun to scare kids at Halloween....But don’t use this magazine. It’s not for kids.

Parental warning Table of Contents Letters to the Editors...................................................................9

10 Cartoons You Don’t Remember.......................................59

True Monster Facts....................................................................11

Ben’s 10.......................................................................................... 62

What Your Avenger Costume Says About You.................13

Album Reviews.............................................................................65

Halloween’s Dirty Little Secret..............................................15 Inexpensive Halloween Tips & Tricks................................... 17

How to Carve the Perfect, Traditional Style Jack-o’Lantern............................................................................................69

It’s Dillard’s Dungeon..................................................................19

Masked... Unmasked!................................................................. 74

Fun Halloween Jokes For Kids.................................................21

Savager Hunt Winners!..............................................................77

To Hell in a Hemp Basket...........................................................23

Savage Henry’s Horrorscopes................................................78

Upcoming Treasures from the Purple Vault.......................25

EavesDroppings...........................................................................81

How to Talk to Your Kids About Donald Trump..................27 Couple’s Counseling...................................................................29 Top Ten Times I Decided to be Buzz Lightyear for Halloween.......................................................................................31 Six Gun-Free Ways to Kill a Werewolf...................................33 The

Historic Eureka Theatre Presents

Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report..................................34 Genetic Strainds: Doug Stanhope.........................................39 Bad White Guy of the Month: October................................. 41 Ritual Killing...................................................................................43 The Henry Zebrowski Interview..............................................43

TICKETS

Good Bad Apples......................................................................... 47

$35 Advance tickets at

This Year’s Most Flammable Costumes.............................. 49

$40 At the door if available or online at BrownPaperTickets.com

WARNING: This Page is Scary!................................................ 51

Local Breweries, The Works, Annex ‘39

Redbeard Ruminations..............................................................53 This Shits for Reels.....................................................................54

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Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

ARCATA THEATRE LOUNGE

OCT. 14

PAPADOSIO

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RISING APPALACHIA

OCT. 18

MINNESOTA

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THE FLOOZIES

NOV. 5

DIMOND SAINTS

NOV. 18

BIG GIGANTIC

NOV. 29

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I just wanted to tell you how much I love your magazine. There is an LOL on every page! Xo, Katy KaBoom Ed note - Thanks for the validation! Our therapists are saying we shouldn’t be obsessively looking for it, but we’ve already printed this letter out and made it into wallpaper.

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ALL AGES UNDER 16 W/ PARENT

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JAI WOLF

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SLOW MAGIC

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NYE W/ WF & FRIENDS

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Send your comments, attitudes, props or r@ whatever else to edito om e.c zin savagehenrymaga stcard Or the address on the po All . below will work too me. perspectives are welco

WORLDFAMOUSPARTY.COM

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SCISSOR

FIX

Scissor Cleaner!

TRIMMERS CHOICE

Gets scissors clean quick using only one hand!!

True Monster Facts

Evan Vest, contributor

October is the month we celebrate monsters, both real and fictional. I felt like for this article I should focus on the real ones though. These are true monster facts that will help you out through the month.

5. Mummies Love Anal

You read that right, Mummies are crazy about butt play. No one is really sure why or who even figured that out (probably a kinky archaeologist , know what I mean?) but it's known in monster lore that Mummies are the Bandage-wrapped Boys Of Butt Town.

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4. Werewolves Love To Skateboard Unique hemp-alcohol solvent loosens sticky buildup.

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Werewolves are known to mutilate and mangle innocent people on nights where the moon is full, but that doesn't mean they can't get their stoke on. Any human being you see riding a skateboard around town is most definitely a soda-pop guzzling werewolf. So throw him a Surge and shout "Party on, Wolf!". Or, shoot him with a silver bullet. However you wish to approach it

Conditions with organic hemp oil.

Get the right tool for the job!!

3. Snake-Men Are A Thing

AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL GROW STORE

Yes, I hate to break it to you but there is such a thing as Snake-Men. They're hideous Half-Man HalfSnake hybrids with snakey teeth and skin that peels off. They don't make movies about Snake-Men because that would be a little much. Not much advice I can give on Snake-Men, except run away. Also, be careful of dudes with plastic smiles offering you drinks.

2. Vampires Party On The Beach

This fact has been known as the opposite for so long, I'm sure this will blow some minds. Vampires are all about a sandy beach get-down. The notion that Vampires hate the sun is a giant misconception. Vampires live to throw a Frisbee and grill dogs out in the summer sun. As a matter of fact, you can find vampires pretty much anywhere so y'know, be careful.

1. Frankenstein Smokes The Big Blunts

My boy Frank tokes up big time. I would say he is definitely the chillest monster to kick it with. This big doofus just loves puffing tough on big blunts and listening to Rumors by Fleetwood Mac. It's a lot of fun and the weed smoke helps keep him sedated, drastically lowering the chances of him ripping your face off. Follow Evan Vest On Twitter @EvanVestIsReal 10

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What Your Avenger Costume Says About You

Paul Danke, contributor

Halloween costumes are awesome nowadays. Gone are the days of granny’s shaky stitching on a sketchy Robin Hood getup; enter the days of prefabbed shining beacons of commercialism! What better way for a true Halloween-head to show their love of the ’ween than hauling ass down to Target and finding the perfect superhero costume for YOU! Since the DC universe sucks, here’s what your Avenger costume says about you: The Hulk Good luck hooking up with anyone at the party when you’re stuck in the toilet playing with your new fake muscles all night, you mutant rage-aholic scientist. Thor Thor is a GOD, like Kanye or God. Plus Thor’s hammer is a fun and flirty accessory, perfect for smashing crab legs (wow, you’re at a classy party) or playing air guitar to the “Monster Mash!” Good costume! Captain America Nobody saw this corny USA guy becoming cool, but he’s fucking up Nazis, and FUCK NAZIS. Also the shield is perfect for serving chips and guac. Iron Man Let’s be real, you’ve been Iron Man for six years straight and your suit looks like shit. Iron Man never bounced back from Iron Man 2, and neither have you. Hawkeye Flawless costume: sunglasses, black sleeveless shirt, AND a working weapon; sure, you aren’t really putting yourself out there because you’re a chickenshit but let me see that bow, friend, I’m drunk.

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Falcon They don’t sell Falcon costumes because corporate America is racist. And if you’re thinking of making the costume yourself, bad news – if you didn’t start making the wings in July, you’re fucked. Black Widow The perfect costume if you love people asking who you’re supposed to be all night and then still not knowing who you are once you tell them. Captain Marvel aka I’M NOT WONDER WOMAN!!!!!! – seriously, you are not Wonder Woman, people are gonna call you Wonder Woman all night and eventually you’re just going to roll with it anyway. It sucks but her movie isn’t out yet so … Black Panther Dopest costume by far; everyone looks good in it. PRO TIP: this costume is not for white dudes, just don’t. Antman

You are so tiny now. The tiniest man at the party so be very careful, or someone might step on you.

Vision/Mask/Wonder Man/Spider-Woman/Scarlet Witch/Quicksilver Look, we get it, hipster. George Harrison is probably your favorite Beatle too. Fuck off.

Halloween’s Dirty Little Secret

Calcium Rich Mineral Composite

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Everyone loves Halloween... and that’s exactly what they want. Who are they, you ask? The government. Are you really that surprised? After years of research, mainly eating candy, I have uncovered some pretty twisted secrets about Halloween, so let’s dive in.

CANDY CORN

Candy corn is more mind control than candy and it’s certainly not corn; let’s discuss. You ever notice that nobody will admit they eat candy corn yet somehow that stuff is one of Halloween’s biggest selling treats? That’s because these little corns aren’t candy; instead, they are filled with mind-controlling micro-particles implanted by the government. Yeah, I bet you didn’t see that coming, and that is exactly what they want. I say buy the candy corn, but destroy it by burning it so they can’t track you anymore. Wake up, people!

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What about these “Fun Size” candy bars? It’s pretty obvious to me that the Organization of Ordinary Penis Smallness (OOPS) is behind this candy campaign. Who else would want to make these tiny candy bars seem adequate to the general public other than people with smaller-thanaverage dicks? These noodle-dicked freaks are ruining our Halloween’s by making these tiny candy bars seem acceptable. Wake up people; just because you have a small wiener doesn’t mean we all don’t deserve full-size Snickers bars.

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ORANGE

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The burrito shop your momma warned you about. Come for the food stay for the abuse.

You ever notice that for some reason the color orange is closely associated with Halloween? Why is that? That’s because the color orange is so terrible that no other holiday wanted to be associated with it since, in fact, it is the worst color. The National Orange Isn’t Diarrhea (NOID organization) is hell-bent on getting people to accept orange as an appropriate color to wear when we all know it’s the worst. Stop letting Halloween be ruined with that bastard of a color; let’s reject orange altogether and flush that demon back down the hell toilet where it belongs.

SEXY COSTUMES

Why is it acceptable for women to dress sexy but men can’t even show a little skin without being called a slut? Women are allowed to have their entire mid-section showing, cleavage out, and even bottom of their buttcheeks peeking out. But men have one ball showing and we are “disgusting” or “wildly inappropriate for a work function!” Do you see the double standard? That’s the government for ya.

HALLOWEEN’S CREATION

We put the mmmmmmm in masochism.

I’m sure you have all heard the rumors of how Halloween was just invented by Hallmark to sell greeting cards; well, those aren’t rumors. Hallmark has invented every major holiday since they created Jesus back in the day, true story. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Hallmark is the government, they are also Skynet and The Matrix. Hallmark is our founding fathers, Santa Claus, and God all wrapped into one glorious package. So next time you are praying and asking for a miracle, why not go straight to the source and head to a Hallmark storefront at your local mall?

Monday-Friday 9am-10pm Saturday-Sunday 10am-10pm (707)822-8433

I hope I’ve woken you up from your mental slumber long enough to uncover Halloween’s dirty little secrets.

1642 1/2 G st. Arcata, CA 14

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Inexpensive Halloween Tips & Tricks

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Is Casting a Curse on Charlie from 8th Grade Right for You? Much like a blood period, but only arriving once every 12 months and on schedule, Halloween is upon us, ready to rear its carved pumpkin head. Leaves and discarded candy wrappers crunch underfoot as you walk through the crisp air, and you can feel the days getting shorter and shorter. The thoughts of failed relationships seem to revolve around Halloween, and if you listen closely you can hear the echo of judge-y children in the far distance chanting on repeat, “Trick or treat, no one loves you.” If you’ve ever found yourself in a dark place and picking up an L. Ron Hubbard book feels like the only way out, you might want to consider casting a couple of curses on some past partners. It’s as therapeutic as taking up walking 30 minutes a day, but with much less effort. It might feel a little bit overwhelming at first, but after you settle on cursing Charlie from 8th grade, the rest is easy as unloading candy corn off on the orphans. Make your list. Start with 8th grade. 8th grade is when that fucker Charlie had a crush on you but asked Emily to “go with him” because his friends thought Emily was a better choice and then he decided to explain that to you over a carefully-folded note with smiley-face art. Then to “really show him,” you thought it was a good idea to win him back by getting a haircut like his crush, Lisa Bonet, aka Denise Huxtable from The Cosby Show. Unfortunately, your mom never told you that you were white and that that haircut wouldn’t work; which leads to a year-long struggle to re-establish your just-above-mid-point status in the hierarchy of middle school hell. So yes, start at 8th grade and choose Charlie or any partner whose phone numbers you still remember and who you regularly creep on Facebook. Now that you have picked Charlie from 8th grade, you can either pick an actual curse or you can carefully plan your Halloween party stops based on his Facebook statuses. Either way, at least you’re not getting called out by Leah Remini on A&E. Tiffany Greysen is a standup comedian and writer from Portland-ish, Oregon. She is a freelance writer for several humor publications. Her comedy is part advice columnist, part parenting guide... neither of which should be followed. You can find her on Twitter as @TiffanyGreysen or on Facebook by name.

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HUMBOLDT

B AY B I S T R O

California-French Nouveau cuisine with an emphasis on fresh Not just a delicious dinner and cocktails. locally sourced products. Check out our upcoming comedy & artist performances Join us for dinner, @ www.HumboldtBayBistro.com and Facebook drinks, and delights in a lovely Victorian setting overlooking a picturesque Corner of 2nd and P - Eureka, CA view of Humboldt Bay & OPEN 6 DAYS 5PM – 9PM • CLOSED TUESDAY Happy Hour 5pm - 6pm • Reservations Recommended Woodley Island.

It’s Dillard’s Dungeon

Aaron Matthess, contributor

Despite his difficult journey as "dickweed" over the last 17 years, Dillard had finally become the man he had always wanted to be. Who would have ever known, his salvation would be found in a silicone pack of concentrates? Since his first dab, Dillard's creativity and skill had increased so much he was able to level up as conquering warrior/ ranger, mountain dwarfing, at a level 79! Everyone on the D&D scene knew about Dillard now! When Dillard was returning home from the Quick Mart with his "big gulp" he was greeted in the front yard by his pal Eugene, and cousin Sutherlin. "What are you going to do tonight since it's Halloween Dillard?" Asked Eugene. "Yeah dickweed, whatcha gonna do? Something scary ya wussy?" Chimed in Sutherlin. "Don’t call me that ya jerk, and I've got some big plans tonight, I'm a level 79 now and have to master a game down at Fantasy Lands tonight since I started dabbing my entire world has changed guys!" replied Dillard with the authority of a real DM.

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Eugene was trying to decide if he should go to the haunted house or just back home to pass out candy and try to scare little kids, but, last year he pissed himself when an 8-year-old "Jason" freaked him out first! "I'm going to a "kegger" and picking up some sweet sweet poon in a while ya dweebs!" said Sutherlin as he sparked up his generic cigarette and blew his first drag in Dillard's face. Dillard didn't care what anyone had to say, he knew that he was going to be a Legendary Dungeon Master after tonight’s role play! Dillard had found a new vape rig, the perfect script, mood setting music and sounds, he was even going to dress the part! Dillard didn't know that he was about to become even larger than life after tonight’s events, but, we can wait till next month to find out just exactly what happened to Dillard. We will also learn a bit more about Eugene and Sutherlin to find out what kind of action is going on in there lives "off the 5."

Be warned: this beverage has high levels of caﬀeine and the nitrogen carries it into your body faster than a normal press!

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Fun Halloween Jokes For Kids

Cornell Reid, staff

When your kids come back from trick-or-treating they will need some entertainment while they stuff their fat faces with the candy they received. You love your kids despite the fact that they’ve just eclipsed 500 lbs and they’re still trick-or-treating even though they’re in high-school. They were the only kids in your neighborhood that were trick-or-treating on Hoverounds. You have fat, stupid loser kids which may suck for some people but you don’t seem to mind it. You still want to entertain them as they pour a can of nacho cheese on their Skittles. Why not make them use their disgusting sore-covered mouths for something besides wolfing down treats, make them laugh and they might actually burn a calorie or two.

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Zipper

What did the vampire say to the kid? say He said “what did the vampire pire vam the I’m e to the kid ” becaus . you kill g kin fuc and I’m going to

Why did Frankenstein rip a lady’s leg off during the national anthem? Because he wanted to take a knee.

k? Why did the zombie get sic yer’s brain. Because it ate a football pla for having wn (Football players are kno as CTE wn kno disease of the brain head the to hits due to the repeated rt.) spo this g one takes when playin

How many ghosts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One ghost to screw in the light bulb and two ghosts to 69 on the ceiling.

Why did the witch look so old? Because she smoked meth.

Why did the headless horseman cry? Because he couldn’t suck dicks. www.savagehenrymagazine

What did Dracula say to the people of Puerto Rico? “I want to suck your flood”

Why did the man turn into a wolf at the strip clu b?

Because he saw a full po

on.

What’s a zombie’s favorite type of sex to have?

What were the skeletons protesting? Police boo-tality.

Brainal sex

jail? Why did the mummy go to of liquid Because he tried to sell 8 lbs agent. cocaine to an undercover FBI on. pris in e cid sui ted He commit

How did the vampire burn his dick? He got a blow job from a jack-o-lantern. 21

To Hell in a Hemp Basket

Bruce Lynch, contributor

This year Savage Henry has sent me on a quest to find the scariest haunted house in America. The search has been tough -- so far my only findings are that the old Jefferson mansion isn't so much haunted as it is filled with homeless people, and that the only monster at this year’s "Malicious Monster Truck Rally" was the monster of racial intolerance. Just as I was about to give up my search a local pastor gave me a hot tip on where you can find all manner of ghouls and ghost: "Hell.” Apparently there are an absurd amount of demons there. Talk about spooky! The only downside is that it’s a pretty exclusive spot, but I’ve got the inside scoop on how to get in.

Bible punching

Respect all religions.

If you punch a bible at least 4 times, it counts as a sin. Straight to Hell!

The god of whichever religion is right will be pissed

Covet something

Don’t sift the flour when you make a cake.

I don’t know what covet means, but God apparently hates that shit.

Bon Appétit magazine says this is the #1 sin of baking.

Dance One of the most underrated movies of all time was Footloose 2: Burnin’ in Hell. It chronicles the story of Kevin Bacon and his friends roasting in an eternal pit of flame while John Lithgow looks down on them smugly from Heaven.

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that you were humoring the other ones.

Read Harry Potter Also bad for some reason.

Toiling on the Sabbath To be clear, soiling on the Sabbath is completely different -- if you shit yourself on a Sunday it won’t count. I mean, I’m sure it will count for something; not this, though.

Upcoming Treasures from the Purple Vault

William Toblerone, contributor

Prince had his own cool way of writing song titles that was a precursor to modern lazy-texting and redneck license plates. Songs like " I Would Die 4 U" and “Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic” were not only musical gifts, they were also fun for music critics to spell. With the recent opening of the famed Purple Vault, the yearning public will soon be treated to the release of more songs with Price's playful titles. Here’s a sample:

G, I’d Like 2 Know Y U 8 My Corgi I 1 A Free Weekend at a Timeshare and I Want U 2 Join Me I Don’t Want 2 Wait an a Q for 2 Hours Just 2 Get Scrambled X N A Trendy Portland Restaurant R U Down 4 Some Mushroom T with B Arthur? Love the Way that B Sting Swells Up Your I I Want to Have 6 with U but I Don’t Want 2 C U Naked A2 + B2=C2 (Naughty Lil’ Pythagoreah) 2 Much Cat P N My House (Can I Stay with U?) I'm 2 BZ 2 Put on Pants I'll Take U 2 Meet Ricardo Montalbán (F U get N D Plane) 24

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How to Talk to Your Kids About Donald Trump

Scott Simpson, contributor

Hey buddy, I know you have some questions about this president and where he stands on the issues, so I thought we could take a second and talk about it, ok?

Makes sense so far? OK, now for Trump... hold on a sec, unnnffff, I know little man, this is hard to watch, please, mmmrrrrffff, don't cry, I'm trying to teach you something here. Urrrggnnhh. OK.

See this pizza? Let's say this pizza stands for all the money and resources we have in this big beautiful country. On one hand, Democrats want to make sure everyone gets a share. So they might take a little more from a guy who's got a big slice, so that everyone can eat. Republicans, on the other hand, believe that each person should get the slice that they worked for, and if someone didn't work as hard, they don't deserve as much pizza. They believe that the pizza they earned is the pizza they should be able to eat.

See what I did? I took a shit on the pizza. That's Trump. In Trump's America, we're all eating a big pile of shit on top of any slice we take, no matter how big or small. So now I'm gonna need you to go ahead and choose a slice. No, this is for your own good. Take a sl—TAKE A GODDAMN SLICE OF THE SHIT PIZZA. Good, that's good. Now eat the, no, don't try to run away, take a FUCKING BITE OF THE SHIT PIZZA, SON. We're not going anywhere until EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT! Chew, now swallow, SWALLOW, good.

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Ok, buddy? Do you get it now? That's Trump! By the way you're adopted.

Couple’s Counseling

Anica Cihla and Thomas Bridgman, contributors

Terrible advice from two idiots in love "Have you ever been too high for a date? If so, how did you handle it?" - Levi Manis Anica: Two words: Wind. Sprints. You get a touch too much of that green goddess getting your goat? Wind. Motherlickin. Sprints. Find a road. There should be one adjacent to your house in either a parallel or perpendicular direction. Go outside and find that road. And fricking make that bitch your bitch. Weed comes out in sweat, which is why they make you take piss tests. It makes you nervous and then you sweat and when you show up - BAM - they hit you with a goddamn cotton swab to the motherlickin to the armpit. You run that long hard road outta heck, though, and you get a fine foamy lather worked up and you’ll be sober as a songbird faster than a fart in the wind. Also, broads can’t resist manscent, so you get your stink on, and you’ll be putting that moan in pheromone in no time bucko. Thomas: "TOO high!?! ORGANIZED crime?!? EXTRA testicle?!? How dare you!?! Nonsense words! IF I accept a date, 3 rules™ apply: 1: SHE PAYS, SHE LAYS™ (Whatever angle betwixt groinage and slop entangle, shall ne'er occur lest mine own purse be not slendered.) 2: MOTHER CHOOSES LENGTH AND LOCATION: (No wiggle room on this one, it's her car. Mother is vigilant, yet frail and often overlooked most meals. Trust that this rule has an expiration date.) 3: I'M LIKE MASTER P WHEN IT COMES TO THE THC...(No limits.) Anica is a standup comic in Oakland. Check her out at anicacihla.com and on Twitter @AnicaCihla. Thomas is an improviser and stand-up who also makes art and music in Oakland. Instagram: @thomasbridgman 28

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Tattoo of the Month “Northtown” Arcata

1603 G street

@organicnorthtown

9. I thought Tim Allen died 8. Celebrated the fact Tim Allen wasn’t dead

Arcata’s Coffee House -BEER ON TAP! -LOCAL FOOD -FREE Wiﬁ

7. The costume still fit 6. The costume didn’t fit 5. They really meant Buzz Aldrin 4. I was going through this rough breakup and just lost my job, which caused me to reflect on my life and the moments I was happy. Out of pure insanity, I ripped open my closet, dug up my Buzz attire, and went out screaming into the street with my costume on. Luckily it was Halloween.

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SUNDAY SERVICE EVERY SUNDAY 5-7 SAVAGE HENRY presents:

OPEN MIC

Gage Hensley, contributor

10. After the release of Toy Story 1, 2, and 3

(707) 633-6187 -SUPER-SHROOM MOCHAs -HONEY BEE LATTEs -SUPERFOOD MATCHAs -NEXT LEVEL EXPERIENCES

Top Ten Times I Decided to be Buzz Lightyear for Halloween

Look at this guy wearing his Trump hat.

3. Group Theme (with my sister’s kids) 2. Read an e-vite wrong and ruined a masquerade ball 1. Went to a concert and used the wingspan to create personal space

Pics by Dutch Savage 30

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Six Gun-Free Ways to Kill a Werewolf

Mike Spiegelman, contributor

Used to be cheap and simple to kill a monster. Frankenstein's monster approaches, you light him on fire. Dracula's coming, better stake his heart, or just wait for daylight. But God forbid on a full moon a werewolf leaps at you. You have to apply for a gun permit, purchase a gun that can shoot silver bullets, purchase silver bullets online, apply for a concealed carry permit, join a shooting range, and take heart-shooting classes just to survive. Who can afford that? That's some 1% shit right there. Not to mention it's morally wrong if you oppose guns. With that in mind, here's six alternative gun-free ways to kill a werewolf. The first one sounds so impossible, it's a moon-shot. 1. Destroy moon. No full moon, no werewolf. 2. Befriend Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, and the mummy, and talk shit about the werewolf. 3. Mistake him for another werewolf. 4. Go all Jake Pauler on the the werewolf. 5. "Excuse me, but are you TV's Teen Wolf? Can I have your autograph?" 6. Taunt werewolf with "Where, wolf?" over and over until werewolf gets so aggravated, he pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head with a silver bullet.

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Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report

Several hot whiskeys in… this cold is still pissing me off… clouding my head and derailing me a bit. Moving along we need a night cap and werewolf movie lady remains out of sight. Sally Long’s spirit infested rock and roll bar has mongoloid versions of popular recording artists plastered via street side mural, ecto-readings are confirmed. No Ron, no tail. Walked back a mother of blocks to the boat by 1 am… on the embankment a dark solo figure stiffly stands slicing the wind… and it is in the shape of the werewolf movie lady who had been trailing us all over town earlier today. I walk up in my drunkard confidence and wait for an explanation. Through her glazed shattered teeth a bright light emerges from a million miles away.

Dutch Savage, staff

Day 7 Anchored Laura Lucy early and seeped into Galway’s Latin Quarter district with the intent of sniffing out Ron’s conundrum of a trail. Arts festival streets are corroded with interest and color galore. An older woman with a face even a mother wouldn’t love… looks like the gypsy in a classic werewolf movie… appears from the margins and watches us intently; she begins to follow. Street performers are virtually everywheremusicians, balloon animal artists, kids dancing and playing flutes, and even a guy who can fit himself into a tennis racket. Bouncing around while no details emerge but leaving us confused and entertained. Werewolf movie woman is wrapped in an elegant sheet and grunge god hat… coming from seemingly nowhere she swerves around several corners and sees us seeing her. It is not a coincidence that she keeps popping up… there are too many weirdos here for just this one to keep making an appearance. Galway has many charity shops filled with a million different possible disguises. Every time we exit we are dressed in a different ensemble yet werewolf curse woman from the movies is sharp and systematically not far from the door each time we leave, with her tombstone eyes and ogre statue stare. Submerge and blend and we ditch her tail. Several hours of investigation later we have a meeting by chance (sort of) with Lucy (person Lucy not dog Lucy) from Dublin’s accomplice code named Queen Jane… she suggests that we find and talk to the woman who she described as; “looking like a curse flinging gypsy who turns the men to wolves in the movies”. Fuck. Fuck! “We were able to lose her not long ago.” I explain. Jane reassures; “Keep walking, she will show.”

“The man you seek… the Mister Ron…”

Holy fucking shit. Astonished as all Hell I can only reply with a stammering intoxicated “Yes…?” Werewolf lady continues with a shaky pause; “Cliffs of Moher.” Me: “How do you know this? Who do you work for?!” I expect an answer but not the one she gave; “How do I know that you say I am the woman who turns the man to a werewolf in the filims, huh?” Ok, I get it. Looking into her two shady crystal eyeballs I am a decent smart ass; “Cliffs of Moher, huh?” Now I am listening to her occult lunatic mysticism. We pause on those banks with an uncomfortable scent of peculiarity. She looks right at me again, for the last time, and says again in her werewolf movie gypsy Irish drawl; “The Mister Ron will be found there now… when you get there he will have moved along.” And with that information the woman completely vanished within seconds of me looking away at my assistant for a mere moment of disbelief. If Simone was not with me I would have thought that this was a fever delusion, a sick trick, but unfortunately it was definitely not. Crashing on the boat, smashed into the silky vintage floating porno set sheets, we hide in the shallow breathing darkness. “Too drunk to sail, too scared to get up and shit.” Simone and I embrace and keep watch. Slipping towards the grips of the blank void I wish myself to sleep. And pretend to pray that I don’t turn into a goddamned werewolf. (To be continued)

Garbage derived art installations cut the arts festival crowd in half. Lynch’s castle serves as an old landmark. Haunted, definitely haunted. The medieval St. Nicholas church has the usual Hitchcockian birds watching from above. Down the way and three stories up on top of an old office space now serves as Ireland’s smallest comedy club, located in a small room above the very haunted Dew Drop Inn. “We had better check it out”. The room was packed, probably 25 people. All of them had their arms and legs. No sign of Ron but we stay nonetheless. Tiny room, good energy, supernatural shit. It is a two man comedian show, maybe the funniest people in all of Ireland, and they are both agents. You might be surprised at how many agents actually moonlight as comedians. Isn’t that funny? 34

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Public Service Announcement Don’t murder. It is not nice.

Photo & Special Effects by Na & Ray Flynn 36

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Genetic Strainds: Doug Stanhope

DNA, contributor

With the popularity of such shows as Showtime’s I’m Dying Up Here and HBO’s Crashing, it seems as though the veil has been peeled back on the behindthe-scenes lives of comics. Spoiler Alert: it hasn’t. It’s truly weirded, sadder, funnier and crazier than anything depicted on TV. Imagine shattering your ego each night and desperately trying to reassemble the pieces in a 24 hour period, for decades. Take the legendary comic-whirlwind mind of Doug Stanhope, the underdog of all the underdog comics. If Hunter S. Thompson had been a comic, he would be Stanhope. How does this hero to the misfits begin each day? “I’m a fucking basket case. I am not the same guy in a 24-hour period. I wake up thinking about death. Then I think about how long is it going to be before I play the UK again and will any of my material translate or should I just cancel the gigs. But I don’t have anything on the books and won’t for months,

but I am already having ulcers thinking about going back to the UK. Maybe I should just quit. Then I think, ‘But what would I do?’ Then I get distracted from that and forget I was quitting comedy. Then I make a breakfast taco, but I’m mad because somebody ate all the habanero sauce and didn’t replace it,” he said from his home in Arizona. How does Stanhope pivot his anger in real world situations? He doesn’t. “I just got off the phone with Bank of America—abusing the guy to the point where I wouldn’t be surprised if the police showed up at my door,” he said. “I told him I would set his child’s pigtails on fire and hold him in a choke lock while I made him watch and giggle in his wails of an inability to do anything about it.”

#sixriversbrewery

It isn’t only comics who are struggling to find their place in the world; we all are. These are difficult days filled with harrowing challenges. Personally, reality has finally caught up to my acid trips. This landscape is exactly what I “saw” back when I was 15. So hold on tight. Seek out live comedy and let’s laugh through the apocalypse.

#humboldtmade

1300 CENTRAL AVE, MCKINLEYVILLE // 707-839-7580 // SIXRIVERSBREWERY.COM

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Bad White Guy of the Month: October

Zack Newkirk, staff

The world is chock-full of bad white men. Heck, America alone has dozens of 'em! You can't throw a rock without it hitting a random bad white man in my neck of the woods. But being evil and dumb isn't so notable on its own; you've got to really push the envelope to stand out as a premier Bad White Guy. In this series we here at Savage Henry will highlight the careers of some of these truly atrocious Bad White Guys, bringing to light their crimes against humanity so that you, the reader, might not follow in their footsteps. For our inaugural piece, we have:

ADOLF HITLER Fuhrer of the Third Reich, primary antagonist of World War II, 5'8" 165 lbs, bats left, throws left, drafted 14th rd by Toronto, .245/.290/.360

WAS HE WHITE?

Yes. And he yearned to prove to the rest of the world the superiority of his race, as exemplified by himself: a hunched-over, greasy, hideous, halitosis-and-acne-riddled nerd with near-useless genitalia.

WAS HE DUMB?

He figured it was a good idea to conquer most of the civilized world with a small army of guys, so yeah. To his credit, several countries were so shocked that he was stupid enough to invade them that they couldn't muster enough of a defense to stop him. As baseball hall-of-famer Lefty Gomez once remarked, "I'd rather be lucky than good," which certainly seems to apply to grade-A moron Adolf Hitler.

WAS HE EVIL?

He was responsible for the eradication of millions of Jews, Homosexuals, nomadic peoples, and those of other "lesser" races, and fervently believed in the inferiority of human beings with shades of skin different from his own. So much in this existence is subjective, shades of gray, lines blurring and blending as social mores shift and change over time, but me, personally, I think Hitler was evil. There you have it. A total jerk, that Hitler. I implore you not to be like him.

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Next Month: Bill Belichick

Ritual Killing The Henry Zebrowski Interview

Isaac Kozell, staff

Comedian, actor, podcaster, Satanist, and MUFON member Henry Zebrowksi is laughing all the way to the fiery depths of Hades. The deviantly hilarious Last Podcast on the Left - which he cohosts with Ben Kissel and Marcus Parks - has exploded into a full-on horror hit, Adult Swim’s Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell is heading into Season 4, and according to Henry, magic is very, very real. We chatted recently about the success of Last Podcast, the wonderful creepiness of Los Angeles, and combining Norwegian black metal with jogging to access trance states. Isaac Kozell: What's been going on with you, dude? Henry Zebrowski: We're currently shooting Season 4 of Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell. Last Podcast has kind of just taken off and taken over everything. I'm just trying to keep up with that workload. We don't want the show to dip in quality at all. We're working our asses off. We've been touring with Last Podcast the past year, just living out of suitcases a lot. IK: Has it been hard for you guys to coordinate your schedules so all three of you can tour together? HZ: No, it's now just become a part of it. But we're going to take a bit of a break because [hella top secret but very cool info has been redacted]. It's cool as shit. I can't wait to announce it. IK: What are you doing differently with the live show? HZ: The live show is a completely different beast than the podcast. It's essentially like a three-person stand-up show featuring segments where we show videos and joke around. It's a traveling stage show. The live show is heavy on the comedy, where we try to keep the podcast heavy on the research. We have a huge show coming up for Halloween. We're doing a gigantic show on October 28th for charity in Los Angeles at the El Rey Theater. It's sold out, but we'll have some tickets at the door. It's hosted by Last Podcast and my girlfriend and stuntwoman Natalie Jean, who's doing a big dance piece. It's a traditional celebration of Samhain. The idea is for everybody to dress fancy and evil for charity, a group called My Friend's Place, which is an outreach program for homeless teens. It's gonna be cool as shit, just a bunch of hot goth chicks. IK: Are you based in LA now? HZ: Yeah. I've grown to love it. LA is seeping into my bones. Part of it is because I have a weed store around the corner from my house, which is fucking great. And my apartment is nice and big. It's just an easier way of life. It's fun. LA is a creepy place. It's such a weirdo factory. IK: There's a great history of crime and murder. I feel like there's a lot of elite crimes that have been going on behind the scenes for the longest time. HZ: I live in the same neighborhood where Robert Blake killed his wife. We went to the restaurant that was his favorite restaurant. I Yelped it and it said, "Since the tragedy this restaurant has really bounced back." I was like, "Oooh, what tragedy?" We looked it up and Robert Blake shot his wife in front of it. We were like, "That's awesome!" OJ used to hang out there. It's fucking insane. There's so much Grade A true crime lore here. I've got an occult store down the street from my house. It's where we buy our candles and shit for the house. Natalie and I both have an altar and we have more and more stuff building up in the house. The problem is that I've been so busy I have to get back to magical living, which takes a lot of concentration. Continued next page... 42

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HENRY ZEBROWSKI, continued from previous page...

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For all stages of plant growth Organic and all natural

please visit www.econutrients.com

IK: What is your routine? How do you incorporate chaos magic into your life? HZ: I try to meditate every day, but it's difficult because it's about really taking moments of silence. I've discovered now that when I go for runs I can turn it into trance work. It's about trying to figure out how to gain a trance state every day. If you're going to do a ritual you have to be able to quickly gain access to a trance state. You can use an active trance. It doesn't have to be sitting and meditating. When I'm running I can gain trance states, even on the fucking elliptical. I've been using a lot of magic for work. That's the way I hook in. It helps me artistically and also helps me to gain the mental state in order to go in and...you kind of have to make room for yourself in show business and part of that is carving out your own little part of the universe. For me, that's creating trance states. If I imagine myself running on the carcasses of my enemies...it sounds ridiculous, but if I'm running and put on something like Burzum I get in the mind space. It's cool because since it's words I can't understand and high pitched screaming you don't have to think about the direct meaning of the words. You just get into the rhythm and it becomes like an inner mantra. I also keep a dream journal and a synchronicity journal. The problem with doing rituals is that it introduces a lot of chaos into your life. You have to be very specific about the things you're doing rituals for because if not, the universe has a very cruel sense of humor. It's a moral-less sense of humor. You'll wish for a million dollars and you're going to get a million dollars because you're going to be in a car accident and paralyzed from the neck down, but you'll get the settlement. IK: It's all about managing expectations. If you're too picky about your wishes you're going to be disappointed a lot. But if you open your mind to bigger ideas and expand the parameters of your goals you'll be more successful. It's not always a straight shot. Sometimes you have to be more of a funnel, ready to catch whatever the universe throws your way. HZ: Shit just shows up. Last Podcast was never supposed to be the way the three of us made money. We did this show completely just for fun. We did it for years just for fun. We're almost at year seven. We never thought it was going to be this big. It all just came from following what the universe was showing us. I looked for direct positive validation from everything around me and my life just got better. It happens with bad stuff too. I feel like the United States right now is paying a supreme karmic debt with the presidency of Trump. We got the bill for a lot of bullshit that we've put on a spiritual credit card. But at the same time, what feels better than paying your credit card bill off? Follow Henry on Twitter @HenryLovesYou

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Good Bad Apples

OJ Patterson, contributor

Urban legends of razor-laced apples are like Eve in Eden: foodie fables emphasizing caution to fearful children, propagated by people who should know better. In these stories it only takes one occurrence to ruin it for everyone, an insidious idea. Fruit, nourishment from mana, undercut with a dire consequence. A poison made pointed. Opaque food that bites back, innocent until it's too late. To moralize such a paradox, the ultimate treat *and* treat, is pure terror. Which is a shame because apples are effin dope. Honeycrisps, Pink Ladys, Granny Smiths, Jazz! When I'm bobbing for apples this October, I don't need a glint of panic, no matter how improbable. I'm already drowning. It's time. Apples need a rebrand. Not as a delicious treat, but as a vessel for good. We'll never disassociate a "Gillette" from your Reinette but we can start implanting more foreign objects into apples, adding to the realm of impossibilities. For instance, apples have always been the standard for makeshift weed-smoking apparatuses. What if there was a little nug at the core, a kind of GMO one-stop, single hitter? Gummy worms would be cheeky. Caramel. A coupon to the iTunes Store. A Beatles song. Condoms. Flavored? Antidepressants. LSD. A penny. Those pills from the Matrix. A collapsed star. Google Adsense. A handwritten note from your father saying whatever negative traits you inherited from him is not his fault. Hell, get meta: imagine opening an apple and finding an even smaller apple! And inside of that smaller apple....an even smaller apple! And inside of that smaller, smaller apple...You see, you're not even worried about potentially becoming the next Joker—razor apples is how he got those scars, btw, fo real. You’re welcome. Shout out to Heath Ledger. Apples to apples, dust to dust.

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This Year’s Most Flammable Costumes

Jaclyn Weiand, contributor

It’s October. We’re two months into the school year, two months away from Christmas, and your oldest daughter is experimenting with God knows what. Who among us can find the time to personally test the flammability of our children’s Halloween costumes? Fellow Parents, I’ve misled you! I don’t have kids, so I’ve got a lot of free time. Unfortunately, without a little kid inside the costume, I’m not sure how accurate my results would be. With the NSA already on my ass (don’t worry about it), I thought it unwise to Bing™ the inquiry, “Where can I find openminded children?” I thought I’d hit a wall, when I realized the answer was looking me right in my stupid face: I could use the popular (and a little hacky, can we agree?) dating app Tinder, to trick men into donning this year’s hottest children’s Halloween costumes, and set them aflame, under the guise of really specific kinky sex. These are my results: Rey (Star Wars), Spirit Halloween When Chris arrived at my apartment, he was wearing a T-shit with the logo of his uncle’s HVAC repair company adorning it, plus basketball shorts and Jordan slides. Luck be a lady tonight! He was unsure of the prospect of being set on fire, but eventually changed his mind when I berated him for being more vanilla than his Tinder bio let on. I had trouble getting any flame going, the polyester blend simply melted. 2/10 Generic Big Ol’ Pumpkin, Wal-Mart Stuart was a for-real pyrophiliac, and it actually made me a little uncomfortable HOW into this he was. This one was difficult to call, I would stop the fire whenever he started moaning, and we’d have to start over. Anyone ever see a flaming pumpkin with a little boner on it? 5/10

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Belle (Beauty and the Beast), Halloween City Steven was unfortunately seriously injured after this gown ignited way easier than we anticipated, but after a complicated surgery, he’s loving his brand new face. 9/10 Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman), Target Ok Rudolpho was literally in my bed, with his ding dong out, when he’s all,“You didn’t mention this pyro stuff before,” like ok Rudolpho, mixed signals much? He left but was easily replaced with a large gourd, which, as with the rest of the get-up, started with a slow burn, but was real exciting toward the end. 7/10

WARNING: This Page is Scary!

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor

Okay, seriously, I said it in the title already, but this page is an extremely spooky page and I honestly can’t allow any cowards to read it. Previous to this page, the spookiest thing in this issue of Savage Henry is probably Cornell’s aversion to spellcheck! Seriously though, if you lack bravery skip this page. It isn’t worth it. It’s just too scary. Picture the most disturbing, horrific thing you’ve ever seen. Got it? Well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but go ahead and multiply it by a million and then picture a big tarantula with fangs. And a Dracula. Scared? Hmm, better turn the page because THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU FAILED. The rest of this page is actually much scarier than those things. (True thrill seekers, read on.) One night in a cemetery there was a grave with dirt and bugs all over it. Not just worms and ants, but gross-out bugs like cockroaches and the beetles from Prince of Darkness. A two-yearold girl was singing a nursery rhyme and forgot what time it was and got lost in the graveyard after dark. She tripped over a rotten log and fell on top of the bugs! BOO! (Continue if you dare...) The bugs went into her mouth and CHOKED HER. She died and no one found her because every time they walked by they’d see the bugs and say, “Oh, sick!” and they’d turn around and throw up and run away. She disintegrated, becoming one with the unholy but fertile ground she once walked upon. (I fucking dare you to read this next paragraph.) One year later – to the day – she came back and was a living dead zombie, but still a baby. She had puke on her face and bug guts on her clothes but she could still sing and SHE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU! The End

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Ouija boards work all year long. Everything scar es me, especially sexy nurses.

Halloween is the only thing as cool as Ween.

A haunted weed farm would be pretty dope next year. (Just saying).

Ig r a v i t y bong jac m k o l a nterns y .

Redbeard Ruminations

|||| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | ELS| ||THIS|SHIT|IS|FOR|RE |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF||| On a 1963 Halloween (1978) night, young stab wound-resistant Michael Myers kills his sister. On the 15-year anniversary, he escapes a psychiatric hospital to kill Jamie Lee Curtis to a terrific soundtrack. Genuinely creepy.

A tantrum-throwing teen brings back the supernatural soul of a dead rock star by playing his posthumous record backwards. Back-masking heavy metal, Gene Simmons as radio DJ Nuke, Ozzy Osbourne as an anti-metal evangelical and a strange and wonderful Halloween dance finale makes Trick Or Treat (1986) an absolute treat!

Punk teens terrorize a senior citizen who spills his Halloween razor blade apple treats (that old trick lol!), then enjoy a Night Of The Demons (1988) witchcraft party trapped in a possessed mansion. Great cinematography and soundtrack but the acting "can eat a bowl of fuck!"

After turning a boy into an immortal talking cat, three witches use Hocus Pocus (1993) to come back All Hallows Eve, prior to burning at the stake. 300 years later, some kids and a talking cat must save Halloween from necromancy and bad musical interludes.

Halloween II (1981) starts 3 minutes before the end of the first and continues bullet- and stab-woundresistant Michael Myers' desire to kill Jamie Lee Curtis. The cops are chasing kids in scary masks while Myers tracks Curtis to a hospital, killing the staff in gloriously horrible ways. Same scary feels as the first.

A film brings deadly classic monster characters to life when it's screened. After the director is admonished for this slip-up, he boxes it up in his basement for 50 years, after which a little boy finds the film. He hosts a Halloween screening, unleashing the Monster Makers (2003) with improbable family-oriented dialogue, Hallmark style.

Continued next page... 54

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|CONTINUED|FROM|P.55| Tim Curry is the Grand Wizard of a wizarding school and The Worst Witch (1986) must save the school from evil dancing and singing witches, scheming to turn the students evil. Aside from an unnecessary racist scene, this strange British film has ridiculous special effects and the funniest Halloween musical scene I have ever seen!

A teen's hand is possessed and kills his friends, who are too stoned and lazy to go to heaven, so come back likable zombies, while a fake nun hunts the evil hand wraith. Idle Hands (1999) are the Devil's I-did-not-like-this-movie.

Five members of the fascist Martian Imperial Atomic Space Navy pre-invade a small earth town with slapstick after hearing a Halloween broadcast of Orson Welles' The War of the Worlds. The Spaced Invaders (1990) are not taken seriously in the costume-bedecked town and have a tough time wreaking havoc.

|THE|END|

An Irish mask making company is planning to turn Americans into Androids and/or die by horrible bug and snake attack on Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982). The creepy company townspeople attempt to hide the terrible truth from the couple trying to stop the diabolical plan. The terrible truth is that this movie has nothing to do with 1 and 2 and was shot in Loleta, CA and Eureka, CA. Fucking awesome!

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10 Cartoons You Don’t Remember

Jimmie Menezes, contributor

Transbots - In the 80s, robots that transformed into other things were the hottest thing going, and leave it to North Korea to try to capitalize on that trend with this cartoon about cars that transform into...get this: CARS. No wonder it took the North Koreans another 30 years to develop a nuclear bomb. This is clearly the worst export from either of the Koreas, including the Hyundai. Play the Ponies - Sort of a German My Little Pony, only instead of talking, the ponies were into wearing weird bondage gear. The doms were dressed as jockeys and would ride on the ponies' backs with saddles and whip them with riding crops to make them run faster as they jumped hurdles on a racetrack. And at the end, the pony with the quickest time won flowers and the privilege to bang all the lady ponies while the jockeys watched. Come to think of it, I think this might have been a real horse track I went to on 'shrooms. Yes, You Are Beautiful - An early 90s cartoon about a plain Jane junior high schooler that blossoms into the most popular girl in school because of her winning personality. It was designed to give tweenage girls a boost in self esteem and to show them that it's what's on the inside that's beautiful. It was canceled almost immediately. Are You Serious? - Remember that early 80s cartoon where Mr T. traveled across the US with a gymnastics team on a tour bus solving mysteries? This is the show that inspired that show, except this Australian cartoon starred Yahoo Serious driving around the Outback with (a pre-Crocodile Dundee) Paul Hogan and a young Hugo Weaving in drag while they solved the ancient mysteries of the Aborigines through the power of macho posturing, interpretive dance, and slapstick prop comedy. Check out the episode "What Do You Mean That's Not Milk!!!". The Diceman - Apparently ABC made an Andrew "Dice" Clay Saturday morning cartoon in the late 80s. Don't feel bad if you don't remember it; I was alive in the 80s, and I barely even remember Andrew "Dice" Clay. Bubble Man - Nothing was more lit in the mid-80s than Nintendo and Japanimation, so this cartoon was a nobrainer from the folks at DiC Entertainment. This show followed the adventures of Bubble Man as he ventured through Bubble Land. It was canceled after lasting eight years in Japan before coming to the United States in the early 90s, when all eight years of Bubble Man (US) were combined into a single season of afterschool programming. Season One of Bubble Man (US) is available on amazon in eight 16-disc volumes. The Jamming of the Basketball Man in Space - Nobody rip-offs American movies like Bollywood. In the spring of 1993, the three biggest things on Earth were Michael Jordan, Looney Tunes, and a burgeoning movie industry in India. Enter TJOTBMIS, the only animated feature film on our list. It's about Michael Jordin, a star NCA Baliball player who gets sucked into the animated world of Bollywood. Think The Incredible Mr Limpet, but Bolly'd up with massive dance numbers (Bags Bunnie and Diffy Duke doing a Bollywood version of Sid Vicious' version of Frank Continued next page... 58

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Continued from previous page... Sinatra's version of "My Way" is must-hear cinema -- that Dhodro banam solo, though) and pageantry that would make the WWE blush. Easily my favorite animated Bollywood film that isn't 1977's The War of the Stars. You're a Big Boy Now - An instructional video for pubescent boys shown in junior high school. While girls were shown a cartoon about their changing bodies, boys on the football team were shown a 15-minute long animated short depicting the proper use of a condom ("Don't, unless she's a slut," narrator Mike Tyson says). It's famous -- or rather, infamous -- for being the first sex ed video that didn't preach abstinence; and in fact, encouraged the boys on the football team to go out and "get a piece, 'cause you're only young once, and cheerleaders are easy -- especially if they're drunk.” It's rumored to be Ben Roethlisberger's favorite cartoon. The Ramones Animated Series - Let's face it: the Ramones were desperate for a hit after Rock 'N Roll High School failed to make them stars. Years of constant touring, terminal illnesses, substance abuse, and the Phil Spector had taken their toll on Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee, and Marky. They were at the end of their rope, and Sire / Warner, hoping to capitalize on the success of a Ramones' guest appearance on Scooby Doo, ordered up 12 episodes of the Ramones animated series from Hanna Barbera studios, and immediately regretted the decision. The infamous Hanna Barbera looping animation was just as grating and repetitive as actual Ramones songs and -- at a loss of what a band should do in a cartoon -- the Ramones were depicted as a family of crime-fighting punkers living in their parents' basement in New York City. The only cool thing about this cartoon -- besides Motorhead being commissioned to write "RAMONES" as the theme -- was Joey's voice being performed by Steve Lombardi, AKA the WWF's Brooklyn Brawler. Zebras in America - Wait, Tom Green, wanting to be an animator like his childhood hero Charles Schultz, really made this into a show after Freddy Got Fingered was released? Who knew. At two weeks as part of Fox's Saturday morning cartoon lineup in the Fall of 2001, Zebras in America lasted longer than Green's real-life marriage to Drew Barrymore.

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Ben’s 10

Volume XC: It’s a Rock Star Costume Party!

Ben Allen, music editor

“Jeez Ben, enough with picking on Ted Nugent, Gene Simmons, and Lars Ulrich!” While the complaint is valid in that I seem to focus my vitriol towards these particular individuals, they are truly the trio of “cow shit-eating, miserable, ass-wipe douche-bags” of rock. Despite my animosity for the aforementioned individuals, Gene Simmons was kind enough to invite me to his palatial estate for his 2016 annual celebrity Halloween bash. I was sure to take notes on the attendees’ costumes. Ted Nugent Costume: Imperial Wizard of the KKK Because seriously, fuck that guy.

Lars Ulrich Costume: Phil Collins Because seriously, fuck that guy.

Glenn Danzig Costume: Princess Jasmine from Aladdin Dude really entered a “Whole New World” in this getup!

Meatloaf Costume: ESPN Swimsuit Issue Bikini Model “Alright, these boob jokes are getting really old!” Meatloaf when I remarked on his magnificent rack.

Gene Simmons Costume: The Wicked Witch of the East Because seriously, fuck that guy.

Alanis Morissette Costume: A Unicorn The Canadian singer just loves magic and sparkles.

Flavor Flav Costume: Spiderman After roasting a little crack rock, the diminutive rap artist thought it would be a good idea to purchase and wear a child’s superhero costume.

Donald Trump Costume: A Beached Whale’s Rotting Carcass I know, I know, he’s not a rock star, but . . . because seriously, fuck that guy.

Cher Costume: Michael Jackson Before he passed, they would often listen to the Dead Kennedys’ “Plastic Surgery Disasters” together.

Rick Rubin Costume: Bigfoot “Give me a cat with hair, long beautiful hair.”

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

The Shrike - Chase The Sun EP Sam Greenspan, contributor The Shrike stands poised to be a household name around the Pacific Northwest. Upon hearing their most recent release Chase The Sun, I’m left full of appreciation for the fact that, unlike so many other of their contemporaries, The Shrike continues to improve upon itself. The most recent EP is a wonderful display of their reign just beyond the horizon. With Pixies-inspired scorchers like “Candlelight,” to absolute wall rattling bangers like “I AM,” this EP is well worth a listen for anyone who needs the audio equivalent of three cups of coffee. The Shrike is this close to their fullest potential. My sincere hope for this band is that on their next album they feel confident enough in their talents to shuffle loose the trappings of failsafes. Dissonance should become their best friend. Wailing should become their muse, and abstraction should become their spouse.

Maximum Mad - Dear Enemy Andrea Bartunek, contributor

When they finish getting their roots fully in the ground, there’s no telling how tall this tree can grow.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR.

Maximum Mad’s Dear Enemy, released by stellar Seattle label Good To Die Records, is f**king awesome to say the least. I straight up felt like I was an angsty teen again. It’ll make you feel like you still need to sneak out of your parents house to go to a random punk show on a Thursday night. The band manages to use all of their metal and grunge influences to create the perfect amount of tortured sound and passionate screams. Maximum Mad is originally from Portland and their name is literally a joke on what the sequel to Mad Max would be called, which is great. This head banging EP will give you the idea you can probably take over the world. So listen to it and let’s do that, because it’s getting kind of shitty out there. Listen to Dear Enemy if you’re angry, if you’re content, or if you need to get ready to rage. Get in the mood for anarchy, debauchery, and destruction.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

Lyndol Descant - Reach Up Sam Greenspan, contributor On her self-produced second album, the sublimely talented Lyndol Descant gives us a record that is melodic and sweet listening for anyone’s ears. I should clarify, that last descriptor could easily be misconstrued as a milquetoast synopsis, as if it could just as easily be background music -- quite the opposite. Imagine a record where Lisa Loeb leaned into her lyrics, or If Joni Mitchell actually had bass harmonies. It’s a full, wellrounded sound that is both tantalizing and calming. The first song, “Sweet Spot,” effortlessly lures you into her aesthetic, but be prepared for your heartstrings to be stretched when you get to “Stay Away.” This is the perfect album for the spring and summer crossover -- the album, like our natural splendors, blooms all around you in the best ways.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

ALBUM OF THE MONTH

Van William - The Revolution EP Ben Allen, music editor Unfortunately, traumatic life events can be a catalyst for the production of supreme art. In other words, the artist’s pain is our gain. Such is the case with Van Pierszalowski and his most recent EP “The Revolution.” As primary songwriter for popular indie bands Port O’ Brien and WATERS, Pierszalowski has consistently created impassioned works inspired by love, the sea, and just how confusing this life can sometimes be. While those projects were a largely collaborative process, his debut EP is a gloriously self-aware, impassioned, and therapeutic vessel for Pierszalowski to exercise his ocean of demos and utter devastation resultant of a recent heartbreak.

The EP opens with “Revolution,” featuring haunting, ethereal vocal accompaniment by Swedish folk duo First Aid Kit. “I want a revolution, you want a short solution, we never could see eye to eye,” Van sings, obviously heartbroken and speaking directly to his previous love interest. The next track, “Fourth of July,” while lyrically still full of remorse and despair, musically feels like retribution and a chance for Pierzalowski to awake from this nightmarish sadness and struggle on. The “woah-oh-oh” chorus is immediately infectious and reminiscent of the more powerful moments of the Port O’Brien catalog. The record concludes with “Cosmic Sign,” perhaps Pierszalowski’s most lyrically personal and inviting work ever. He’s “just a boy, looking for some piece of mind, I just need a second to catch my breath.” He continues, “reaching for a cosmic sign, something to make sense of this mess.” The song is so uninhibitedly emotionally raw, it may even bring a tear to your eye. The Revolution EP functioned as an intense form of therapy for a transitional and emotionally devastating period in Pierszalowski’s life. While the circumstances regarding its creation are unfortunate for the artist, attentive listeners are fortunate to receive a gift this glorious.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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How to Carve the Perfect, Traditional Style Jack-o’-Lantern

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor

Step 1: First, you must properly select a desirable victim. Hahaha, okay, it’s not a victim, it’s just a pumpkin, but it’s fun to goof around and lighten the mood a little. I like to pick one with a circumference of 22.5 inches, on average. And make sure it’s nice and orange because, like I said, it’s a pumpkin! Step 2: Now is where you’ll want to get a feel for how tough a job this is going to be. In examining your future work of art, you’ll want to slowly run your curled index finger just past the spot where the ear would be if this was the head of a human woman, rather than a pumpkin. Give it a little knock-knock-knock and assess the force it would take to stab through the exterior, much like you would do if you were going to break into a home through a rear window. Step 3: Select the appropriate blade. My go-to tool is almost always a small hunting knife, which is already a part of my everyday carry. If you don’t have one, a chef’s knife will do for this step. SLOWLY insert the blade into the top of the pumpkin and make a circle wide enough to easily extract the brains. Another goof! My mom used to call pumpkin innards brains. She could be a pretty funny lady. I really loved her. Step 4: Take out the “brains” LOL. Step 5: This is where it becomes art. Using a small steak knife, carve a design of your choice into the PUMPKIN’S flesh, never discarding any of the pieces you cut away. You need those. Step 6: Put a small candle at the bottom of the jack-o’-lantern in order to get that spooky glow. Step 7: Place the finished piece in the freez—front porch. Place it on the front porch for the whole neighborhood to see. Step 8: Clean your tools. You’ll need them again in a month or so, when the desire to carve another pumpkin simply becomes too powerful to bear.

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Art by Terry Walker 72

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Masked... Unmasked!

Dutch Savage, staff

Here is a Savage Henry exclusive look at what the most sinister killers in horror actually look like behind their hideous signature masks!

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Savager Hunt Winners!

Adam Jacobs and Cornell Reid

The Savage Henry Reggae on the River Scavenger Hunt (or Savenger Hunt) was a huge success this year. We hope you all enjoyed playing it as much as we enjoyed making it. This year we had two winners, a first runner-up, and a grand prize winner. We had some incredible pictures sent in of Shit Suckers doing work, babies with dreads, bald guy with dreads, dread beard, and even a freaking cartoon dog. Some of the ones that we thought would be damn near impossible ended up being the easiest to find. Enough with the BS, here are your 2017 Savenger Hunt winners… 1st Runner-Up with 7 finds is @brotha52 You rocked it dude with bald dude with dreads, Jah med with dreads, Guy running full speed through the bowl, dread beards, obvious narc, shit suckers doing work, 80s movie villain. Thanks for participating. The Grand Prize winner is none other than @StirFryWillie with 13 finds Well done my friend. We still can't believe you found cartoon dog or someone reading. Expect an email from us soon with info about your big win.

Score a bitchen sticker. 1. Take a pic of you and any issue of this mag and post it on Instagram. 2. Tag @savagehenrymagazine - Hashtag #ireadsavagehenry - PM us your address. 3. Wait for your prize in the mail. 76

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Savage Henry’s Horrorscopes

Freddy Krueger, guest columnist

Visit the Players Club for complete rules and details.

Aries March 21 to April 19

Scorpio October 23 to November 21

Hey there Aries, looks like you’re DYING to hear your horoscope. OK, I guess I’ll just RAM it into your ear!!! AHAHAHAHAHHA!

Hey Scorpio...my glove may STING a little! Ha! AHAHAHAHHAHA!

Taurus April 20 to May 20 Oh Taurus, has anyone ever told you you’re full of BULL shit!?!? AhAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Gemini May 21 to June 20 Two for one Gemini, this one is gonna be TWICE as nice!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Cancer June 21 to July 22 Oooooohhhh, the BIG C, Uncle Freddy doesn’t even have to help for this one! Ha...ha... Leo July 23 to August 22 I’d be LION if I told you I didn’t like this!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Virgo August 23 to September 22 I got nothin’ for this one, if I mention virgins I take it to a level of creepy I really don’t want associated with my BRAND. Ha... Libra September 23 to October 22 You can want on one scale and SHIT on the other and see which one fills up first! Ha...Actually, that’s just what one of those insane asylum guys who may or may not be my dad used to tell me. 78

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“Tofu wrapped in bacon is like “I’ve lost a lot of things paying a hooker for a back rub.” - Gentleman’s Retreat XII on wine and Xanax.” - Willow Creek Him: “If you accepted everything that was handed to you...” “I hear people get fisted at the salad bar.” Her: “Then my vagina would be full.” - Redwood Curtain - The Forks, Willow Creek

“I’m gonna spoon that dog.” - Redwood Curtain “OMG she looks so cute… I’m glad that bitch is leaving!” - Everett’s Arcata

“9/11 was a rimjob.” - Richard’s Goat Swamp ass doesn’t make me feel sexy.” - Nevada county

GUY: “That was smooth, huh?” GIRL: “Yeah, that was smooth. I only peed a little.” - Westhaven

EavesDroppings “It can be seamen

“My loogies cost more than most people’s spare change” - Friday Ridge “Crack is the safest way to do cocaine.” - Willow Creek

“Even I don’t know the depth of my asshole.” - The Willow, Nevada City

consistency and still taste like Nutella” - The Hill

“I put it in a logical place.” “Ok, thanks, Spock.” “You’re welcome, Jim. But that’s not your asshole. It’s a hole in the ground.” - A redneck couple in Orick

“She was pushing so hard she pushed her butthole inside out.” - The Shanty, Eureka

“I know what a cream pie is...so a moon pie probably comes from the back.” - Willow Creek “I don’t see any “I live 157 steps door to door from my house to my work. So, yeah, sometimes I forget my tooth.” - The Shanty “Them damn trimmagrants stealing all our work.” - Bigfoot Supply

“If she wants sex she has to make herself more available.” - The Shanty

gestating women here.” - North Country Fair “The box is beat up and there’s no exploding kitten.” - Target in Chico

“You fucked my sister, you’re disgusting.” - Unknown “Dicks are all the rage nowadays” - Arcata house party

“Apparently the ‘Christian Brothers’ don’t come to the back door.” - Colfax, CA

“Oh yeah, he’s into ecstasy. He likes the heroin cut ones tho.” - Streets of Humboldt

“I go to AA mostly, none of that NA shit. Too much reading at the beginning. Fuck that. “ - On the 12 Bus in Portland

“The only thing I like about jazz is heroin....” - Mendo

“Vegetarian is fine, vegan is bullshit.” - The Shanty

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

Ailment of the Month

next month:

The weirdo Issue Marilyn Manson’s School Photos

Gross Things I Collected

Scared to Death

It’s true, you can be scared to death. Adrenaline hits the heart and if you got a bad ticker, well, one, two Freddy’s coming for you.

Send your Contributions to: submit@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521