Issue #86 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

a long time ago in the final frontier...

Issue #86

MAGAZINE

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR TAKE ME TO THE READER, Space. Please hand me a beer. These are the stories in Savage Henry Magazine.

TWIN MOONS | Sarah Godlin

Its continuing mission…

THE FINAL FRONTIER | Chris Durant

To ignore spelling and grammatical errors

SHOOTING STAR | Monica Durant

To seek out new readers on marijuana plantations To boldly write what no writer has written before.

COVER ARTIST | Sonny Wong SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen OXFORD COMMA | Zack Newkirk PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage

(Insert Reggae version of Mexican Hat Dance music here) -Sarah Godlin, editor godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com

CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera CONTRIBUTORS Michel Sargent, Seth Milstein, Matt Redbeard, M. Bunny, Evan Vest, Rose Butterfield, Pluto, Josh Barnes, Adam Jacobs, Mike Spiegelman, Ivan Garcia, John Hardin, Nuno Amaral, William Toblerone, Bruce Lynch, Rocco Tenaglia, Clarence Worley These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Josh Argyle - San Francisco

Send your comments, attitudes, props or r@ whatever else to edito om e.c zin ga ma savagehenry stcard Or the address on the po All . too rk below will wo me. perspectives are welco

Savage Henry’s Cover Artist Sonny Wong is a Humboldt County Art Bandito and a Mean ‘Ol Dad. Follow him on Instagram at @sonnywong001

W. A. Manuel Arredondo - Santa Cruz

TJ Hudson - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Weeda Gauwain - Redding Missyla Dee - Medford, OR

Mark Kuchenbecker - Bandon, OR

M. Bunny - Crescent CIty CA/Brookings, OR

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Table of Contents Rejected NASA Launch Cities............................................................................. 9 You Won’t Believe What These Celebrities Look Like Today................ 11 TheSpaceBarIsArguablyTheMostImportantKeyOnAnyKeyboard....... 15 The (True) Story of How I Won the 1997 NBA Slam Dunk Contest......17 Wanna Feel Old?.................................................................................................... 19 Are Astronauts Nerds?....................................................................................... 21 Cliff-Hanker Episode 21..................................................................................... 23 Space Explained................................................................................................... 25 Trump Changes the Names of the Planets................................................. 27

Album Reviews....................................................65

Ben’s 10...............................

Bud Time................................................................69

If We Never Landed on the Moon.................71 Catty Mean Girl...................................................72 Restaurant Review.............................................73 Space Game.........................................................75 Space Tourism Is Gonna Suck........................77 Savage Henry Horoscopes.............................78 EavesDroppings..................................................81

Letter of Warning from the King in Outer Space....................................... 29 Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report........................................................... 31 What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?........................................................... 32 Celebrities Who Died in Ways You Don’t Remember............................... 35 Redbeard Ruminations....................................................................................... 37 Space Headlines From Around the Globe.................................................... 39 Inside the Earth to Outer Space.......................................................................41 The Most Spacey: The David Huntsberger Interview.............................. 43 Josh’s Diary Pt. 2 (Jan. 5, 1986)......................................................................47 Book Review............................................................................................................49 The Truth Behind the USS Enterprise.............................................................51 This Shit is for Reels|........................................................................................... 52 14 Lessons About Space.................................................................................. 57 My Cousin’s Disgusting, Obnoxious, Ball-Shriveling Wife...................... 59 Outer Space Jokes.............................................................................................. 61 6

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You need a ride? 7

Rejected NASA Launch Cities

Matt Redbeard, contributor

1. Asbury Park, NJ Man what a cool place to blast a rocket off from am I right? Well I'm sorta right. NASA was gonna put one of these "Blast 'em offs" right in the hometown of the Boss before they realized that it's also the hometown of former ECW champion Bam Bam Bigelow so the bad ass quota was already filled.

2. Stockton, CA Gross right? The city was almost a prime location until they realized the Stockton already had a problem.

3. Wichita, KS I mean come on it's the fucking AIR CAPITAL OF THE WORLD, it makes the most sense. But also it's Wichita so I get it. Ba ba ba boring.

4. Norman, OK This was almost a spot. It's a college town which has what I assume is a good team and tons of cool people are from there. But like the college is in Oklahoma so how cool can it really be? Plus that would break the long standing U.N.pact of no government having anything to do with anyone or anything named Norman.

5. Reno, NV I actually wouldn't be surprised it they were "Blast'eming" off all sorts of shit out of there. The whole place reeks of diesel and spoiled dirt milk. But they're not I guess. The big reason why? Most astronauts have horrible alcohol and gambling problems and that's kinda their thing. Other reason? It's pretty lame unless you're drunk or gambling. 8

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You Won’t Believe What These Celebrities Look Like Today

William Toblerone, contributor

(Number 5 will blow your mind!) All famous faces will fade over time, but these photos are truly shocking! You might not even recognize some of these beloved stars.

Paula Dean

Melissa Gilbert

Pierce Brosnan Ted Danson

Continued next page... 10

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Continued from previous page...

Sarah Jessica Parker

Ric Flair

Lyle Lovett

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TheSpaceBarIsArguablyTheMostImportantKeyOnAnyKeyboard SpencerDevine,contributor

LookAtItThisWay:lfYou’reRunningAMarathon,DoYouJustKeepRunningAllTheWayThroughOrDoYouStopAndRes tLikeSomeoneWhoIsntAMachine?ItsTheSherbertPalletCleanserAfterAFancyMealWithYourFamily,TheBitThat GetsAllThoseOtherComplicatedFlavorsOutOfYourBrain,AFlavorReprieveIfYouWill.NowThisIsntToDiminishThe ValueOfEveryKeyOtherThanTheSpaceBar,YouCantHaveThatPalleteCleanserWithoutTheMeal,AndPointedlyYo uAlsoCannotReallyHaveTheSorbetAsTheEntireMealEither,You’dStarve.ThereIsAMixtureOfEmotionsTowardsT heSpaceBar,ACuriousBlendOfReverenceAndFearOfAbandonment,SimilarToAPeoples’RelationshipWithAnAng ryGod.WhereDoesTheFearComeFromYouAsk?SomeScholarsTheorizePerhapsThatItAllDrawsFromADeep-See dedCoreOfSemamticClaustrophobia. SureItsNotRealClaustrophobiaButBeingADoctorIsHardAndTheDoctorsDeserveALittleBitOfLeewayWhenPro vidingPivotalEvidenceInAnExperimentalFieldSuchAsWordScience.OnTheFlipSideOfThisSocietalConcernIsIts OppositeAffliction,WhichDealsWithTheOverabundanceOfSpaceRatherThanItsLimitation.”InSpaceNoOneCan HearYouScream,”IsATerrifyingSayingBecauseItEmphacizesAPrimalFearOfLonelinessAndVunerabilityInTheFa ceOfAll-EncompassingEmptiness.SpaceSeemsLimitless,AndToBeLostInTheMiddleIsLikeAFlyBeingDroppedIn toAMassiveInkWellOnlyToBeSwallowedUpByItsPowerfulDarkness.TheWordsWhichProvideContextForTheSpa ceBarInThisScenarioAreTheBitsOfAnInterstellarVoyageThatKeepYaSane:Crewmembers,CleverRobots,AndW hateverOtherMetaphorsKeepSomeoneSaneOutsideTheOzoneLayer. ItsTheDependenceThatMustBeBrokenBeforeTheObsessionModernPeopleHaveEvolvedTowardsTheSpaceBar CanTransformIntoAGlimmerOfHealthyGrammaticalControl.TheSuggestionOfScientificExpertsIsToTakeTheIni tiativeAndSay”BuzzOff”ToWhoeverMakesTheRules.YouAreTheMasterOfYourOwnLanguage,NoMatterIfYouFe elEnclosedByOrOverwhelminglyFreeOfTheSpaceBarsGuidanceAndPower:YouCreateYourOwnSpaceTheRestI sJustATool. @SpencerTDevine

Space Bars Above: Clip Art Right: Dutch Savage 14

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The (True) Story of How I Won the 1997 NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor

In 1997 I had the misfortune of taking part in the abysmal 1997 NBA slam dunk contest. It was Darvin Ham, Mike Finley, Chris Carr, Ray Allen, Bob Sura, Kobe Bryant, and myself. Those other jokers didn’t even stand a chance.

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I remember the day vividly. I had forgotten my Jordans in the car, so I had to borrow Rod Strickland’s busted-ass Air Flights (do not google these shoes; they are the vilest Nikes ever made). On top of that, I just snagged the first shirt off the top of the laundry basket, thinking it was my jersey, but it was a 2XL airbrushed Tasmanian Devil T-shirt from King’s Island. Look, I’m not making excuses, I’m just sayin’. Anyway, we came out of the tunnel and the first thing I noticed was that one of the judges was some broad named Lisa, the first ever broad judge, so I already knew this wasn’t my kind of dunk party. Still, I got over it. What I couldn’t get over, however, was the constant onslaught of hip hop instrumentals from N64 sports game starting menus and the Run Lola Run soundtrack that kept playing over the loudspeaker. I had to whip out the Walkman and block that noise out to get in the zone. So Carr goes first. Trash. Next. Someone else goes second and gets booed out of the building. Probably cries in the bathroom, but I wasn’t watching, I was swapping out my Westside Connection tape for my Ice Cube solo tape. Ray Allen goes and embarrasses himself. It was pretty funny. Kobe goes. I turn to the guy next to me and bet him 40 grand this kid doesn’t last 2 years in the NBA with his purple shoe-wearin’ ass. Bob Sura goes and chokes in front of his home crowd. Mike went and did a windmill. Real original. Spoiler alert, he lost. I go last. Here’s what I hit ‘em with, in order: really cool dunk, really cool dunk, extremely cool dunk. That’s right, baby, a perfect 50. Well, long story short, the judges decide to DQ me, on the count of me being 5 years old. The Kobe kid wins and goes on to be accused of sexual assault.

We must not forget about this “Space” 16

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Wanna Feel Old?

Zack Newkirk, staff

A Listicle of Child Prodigies You millennials think that Honey Boo Boo is a precocious child wonder? Millennial please - you wouldn't know a child prodigy if you married one! (ed. note - do not marry any child whatsoever.) Here's some of the REAL DEAL prodigy children from history. What you will find here... well, it might surprise and even delight you: Bobby Fischer beat on w n o s k c a J l his e first Russian guy at Micha Mozart wrote his d ar aw y m m ra chess when he was a his first G first Sonata at age 2. en he h w g in g n mere 11 months old. si r fo Uh, prodigy much? ld. -o ar e -y 5 a as w Bishop to Queen's y. ig d ro P . Prodigy 2. Wow Tony Hawk squirted out Think you had a rough When the first of his mother's bits and childhood? Ulysses Fast & Furious pieces on a skateboard at S. Grant was elected movie came out, birth and proceeded to pop president when he was 8! Vin Diesel was a a goofy kickflip McTwist 3-year-old toddler! off the nurse's melon. Yes, hello? You say prodigy is calling? OK, Blame it on Oh "baby," what a prodigy! I'll accept charges! the prodigy.

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Neil Armstrong walked on the moon when he was only 6 years old. Incredible. Now that's what I call prodigy.

I was a virgin until I was 34. There's a prodigy if I ever seen one!

Are Astronauts Nerds?

Matt Redbeard, contributor

Are astronauts nerds? I mean, duh, yeah, for the most part they are, but did any of them actually do anything cool?

Neil Armstrong John Glenn

Once he broke through Earth's orbit he was quoted as saying, "Oh, hella tight, dude! Shit’s fucking so dope. It's just like when I pull the blankets up over my head to bust a nut."

He snorted all the Tang the second they landed on the moon.

Alan Shepard

On his 15-minute suborbital flight he was actually frying balls on hella acid that his brother gave him from one of the CIA dudes. The whole time he just thought he was Captain Kirk constantly telling the dragon sitting next to him to "Beam him up.”

Sally Ride

Not only was she the first American woman in space, but she was also the first astronaut to kick flip over Mars.

John Swigert Jim Lovell

When he said, "Houston, we've had a problem," he was actually referring to the fact that one of his Ray Ban lenses had fallen out because one of the other astronauts on board had punched him in the face for saying The Velvet Underground was overrated.

Punched Jim Lovell in the face for making an incredibly valid point but did it like a "square".

Mike Sargent 20

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Cliff-Hanker Episode 21

Seth Milstein, contributor

Spaced Out! Hank woke in a haze. Hearing a light knocking on the door to his room. He couldn’t quite place how long it had been going on. He tried to shake of the fading tracers of psychedelia that had previously obscured his vision. Fractal fragments dissolved from his line of sight and were replaced with a bland reality that itself seemed surreal. Months ago he was an idiot trimmer living in a shitty apartment. Now he’s wrapped up in a global conspiracy between two ancient warring factions. There was another knock. He begrudgingly answered the door.

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The man he had dinner with the prior evening was there. Hank couldn’t remember ever being introduced formally so asked his name was Marcus. Marcus asked Hank if he was ready to begin. Hank wasn’t but agreed anyway. They walked down a maze of corridors until they reached a greenhouse. Inside was a state of the art facility…and a staff. Hank was informed that they’d do all the work, he had to tell them everything he learned about organic pot farming that he had learned from working on Tim’s farm. Marcus left him to it and Hank immediately made one of his new student employees get him breakfast and coffee. He then sat down and began to write down what he could remember about the process. He had mostly trimmed and only dabbled in other positions throughout the years. The idea of providing this information was daunting but as he wrote things began to come to him. He must have had some of it seep into his thick skull through osmosis. Before he even finished his first cup of coffee his team was hustling. Pouring soil, mixing nutrients, etc. At the end of his first day as the director of horticulture at the secret castle base of the secret ancient evil fighting collective known as The Guard, Hank felt accomplished. He also felt full from all the food that he had his staff bring him through the day. Marcus arrived and asked Hank to go on a walk with him. They walked deeper into the castle and arrived at what could only be described as an observation deck. Big room with a window wall looking out at the night sky. Hank pointed at a bright blue star and asked if it was the moon. Marcus smiled before informing him that it was Earth…

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Space Explained Isn’t space confusing? A lot of so-called “scientists” and “teachers” try to explain space to us but we all know they’re lying. I’m tired of all their bullshit. So finally, as the only person who truly understands space, I will explain it to you. So buckle up (if you’re reading this while driving) put your learning shoes on (unless you don’t have them in your car) and prepare to learn (unless you're too dumb to learn). Let’s hope Neil deGrasse Tyson reads this; maybe he can learn a thing or two (even though we all know he's too dumb to learn). Space is big. Like bigger than a football field big. Like if you got confused and thought space was a football field and you played football on space instead of on a football field, you would be like, “Wow, this football field is almost twice as big as the one I usually play on.”

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Space also has a thing called stars. Stars are little dots that are in the sky. They’re like little light bulbs, but they’re not very bright light bulbs because the sky is still so fucking dark even though they’re shining their dicks off. The ancient Egyptians used to call stars “space nipples." But why would the ancient Egyptians call stars "space nipples" when we know humans only have two nipples but there are just under 30 stars in space? Well, the ancient Egyptians actually used to have 30 “Earth nipples,” as they called them. They needed all these nipples because all 30 “Earth nipples” constantly lactated, and that is how every ancient Egyptian ate. That is why the Egyptians were mummified: they needed to wrap all their nipples up in toilet paper so they would stop leaking milk all over the dang pyramids. Anyway, stars are very high up in the sky. The highest star is almost 45 feet in the sky. Even the lowest star is very high, like almost 18 feet up, which just for reference is just over two basketball hoops high! Wow! Try and dunk on that -- it’s impossible. Now on to the sun. The sun is bright like a star, but it’s not actually a star: it is a flat basketball in the sky that comes out for about two to three hours every day. That period is known as “sun time.” The sun starts www.savagehenrymagazine

Cornell Reid, staff

in the morning to the left then works it’s way up to the top then it swings all the way around town until it sinks in the ocean. Once the sun sinks, sun time is over. Does the sun sinking in the ocean worry you? Well, don’t worry: the sun sinking is actually a good thing -- it’s the reason the ocean is so nice and hot. If you’ve ever been in the ocean after “sunset,” as people call it --I call it “sunsink” -- but if you’ve ever been in the ocean after sunsink you’ll know that it feels like one big hot tub. This giant hot tub is what helps all the fish and sea critters relax. A lot of fish and donkeys or whatever the hell else lives in the ocean (scientists may never know) are born very uptight and tense. They are very uptight animals in general so they need a nice hot ocean where they can have a shvitz and relax. Finally to the last thing in space, the moon. The moon is way bigger than anything else in space. It’s bigger than stars and it’s bigger than the sun. The moon is so big, you could fit three motorcycles on it. Like you could park three motorcycles on the moon no problem, and maybe even have room for a fourth. People think the moon is a circle, but that’s just because people are fucking stupid. The moon is a flat square. If you look up at the night sky and you see the moon as a circle or as a crescent or something then that means you have something seriously wrong with you. Seeing a round moon is what doctors describe as complete and utter psychosis. So remember, if you look up at the night sky and see a curve at all in the moon, then run, don’t walk to your local hospital. Well that’s space for you. I hope you guys learned something. Keep learning, my friends. Especially you, Neil deGrasse Tyson, you dumbass. Love, Cornell 25

Trump Changes the Names of the Planets

Chris Durant, staff

Dear NASA, Hey nerds...what’s up? Guess who won? Me, that’s right. It’s good. It’s great. Since I’m now Emper...I mean President, I’m gonna save NASA money by renaming all the planets in the only solar system that exists. So take notes you dweebs, if there’s one thing you dorks can do is take notes, believe me. First, the Milky Way is now called The Right Way cause it’s My Way...and you know what they say. Now, Mercury is now called Tatooine. I hear it’s hot like Jar Jar Binks’ home planet. I love that Binks….really good stuff. Venus is called Penis now. It rhymes. Earth is now, the The Land of Jesus. We really should lay this debate with the Martians to rest once and for all. Mars is now the home of Arnold Schwarzenegger and he can name it whatever the hell he wants. Don’t bet on The Voice kids, it’s not worth it. Jupiter is called Herpesland now...I mean, what is that gross thing? Get rid of it, go see a doct...oh wait, yeah, forget I mentioned doctors. Saturn is now called Melania because it’s the only thing in the universe that has more rings than my wife...am I right? Uranus. Well, I mean, that’s pretty funny already, so we’ll just leave that one alone. And from what I read on Yelp, it’s pretty much the asshole of the galaxy. Neptune. This is pretty good too, I’m just gonna add Kingdom to it and toss up a few rollercoasters and a bumper cars….I like bumper cars. They’re really really great. Pluto? Really? Named after a Disney character? That’s stupid, I’m gonna change it to Goofy. There, all better.

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Monthly Confession I asked a group of adults at a get-together if they were worried about Morty’s parents getting a divorce and now I am not allowed to pick topics of conversation.

Letter of Warning from the King in Outer Space

M.Bunny, contributor

Here is a letter I found while walking near the Grove of Titans with my dog two weeks ago. Can anyone tell me what this says? I had an expert read this, and she informed me that this letter is surely from a King or Ruler, from Outer Space, and is without a doubt a warning letter for humans from the folks in Outer Space. *Read at your own risk, this shit is kind of scary* Dear Humans, You've all been warned by us here in the depths of outer space. Take heed and watch your ass as we approach the next year. Being that you've elected DshitheadTrump as your puppetmaster we have decided to end all war between men. There will be a new leader among you, and her name is Equiptamental! Even if you have hope you will pay the price of life by death of fire. We are not sorry as we are not responsible for the actions that have lead to this decision; you as shitcake humans have fucked yourselves this time. Spacecraft await and are headed your way as my extraterrestrial hands type this letter of warning. It's a shame that it had to end this way and as most of the shitty Instagram and Facebook users are saying, sorry not sorry. If you think that you have weapons of mass destruction just until you feast your eyes on what we have for you! From, King LexadorianY P.S. WE are everywhere and the wormhole theory is totally correct. M. Bunny is the man and will be one of the only humans left to live on the planet earth once it’s destroyed next yearish. All of this could have been avoided if your president didn't hate aliens. What's “illegal,” anyway?

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Homeland Insecurity: A Savage Henry Investigative Report

Dutch Savage, staff

Day 3 The 4 a.m. sleeping pill overdose kept me down in a coffin for six dead hours. New York City bagels (made in the UK)… Soft cheese = cream cheese. An undercover sent over a courier who left a package at our door in the night. Inside we find tickets to something that I have never heard of: the stage production of THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT-TIME. Block letters, black ink, and dismal paper reads, “YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TO DO.” Back on the tube, feel like a boob. Get off where American Werewolves get killed in London, Piccadilly Circus. With time to kill and damp conditions we ducked for cover in the mothership of all Ripley’s Believe It or Not! museums. I couldn’t believe it. Six floors of shrunken heads, shark bones, and vertigo. Leaving there, saw a drop in the rain and my London city panic. “We have got to dodge the heat and get to that theater.” Simone is looking her best; I am in the usual undercover boring shit. I look like DB Cooper’s butthole. I take stock in the immediate. One ornate theater lobby... Two scotch and waters each… Three minutes to showtime… Four-figure leg lock… Five Golden Rings.

Seats established and eye contact with whom I suspect will hand off the specific program as designated by the guy whose face I hate but eyes I have never seen. The usher did not know what I meant when I asked about “concessions,” but he absolutely knew what I meant when I said “beer.” The show was simply delightful... Continued next page... 30

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Continued from previous page... about a boy with autism and the discovery of dead dog #1, a real romantic thriller. Simone had read the book several years ago, before we were partners. Late in the game I am handed a program from a uniformed employee, a liaison on our side of things. Inside I find directions for when the curtain is called. One word on a single shiny white sterile insert -- “Dinersaurs.”

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Curtain called and we ditched the “Thank you!” bullshit at the end. A brisk jog from the theater and we land in the only dinosaur-themed diner…If this isn’t what they were talking about, then I don’t know what in the fuck they were talking about. Waiter slips me an envelope and whispers aggressively, “You’ve got the tail.” The Waiter sends us down a rickety wooden hatch out the rear and again back out onto the late English street. Dead trail, extinct for the night. “Lost the tail” (Retreat). Later at the flat had us going over our notes with Bollywood music videos and maybe a crappy British “True Crime” drama on the box. With the contents of the Waiter’s envelope we planned our next morning journey to Dublin. My personal goal in London was to not get hit by a car. So far, so good. This place is crawling with agents. Skipping to Dublin will create a smokescreen and buy us time. We have been specifically instructed to document any true paranormal phenomenon in this section of Europe. Established underground syndicates will see that we find nothing… or else.

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What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?

BABY WIPES

Three weeks ago one of our agents went missing: Captain Ron James (not Dio), an old colleague and good friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen or heard from in ten years, suddenly poofed. Now I undoubtedly know why I was chosen for this specific mission. Ron is a soul brother. We must retrace his steps through the barren realms of supernatural Europe, find Ron, and hopefully live happily ever after. I did not pack enough underwear for this. I hope Simone didn’t either. (To be continued...)

These things are good for everything. Only one of which is wiping a baby.-SG 32

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Celebrities Who Died in Ways You Don’t Remember

Zack Newkirk, staff

Quick, off the top of your head: how did John F. Kennedy die? If you answered, "In the Challenger explosion," you're in good company, as over 90% of people surveyed answer the same way. However, you're all wrong -- President JFK actually got no-scope headshotted in the back of his car in the 1960s. The funny thing about memory is that it's almost always wrong, and especially so in the case of celebrity deaths. Here are the ways several famous celebs actually "bought the farm," no matter how you remember it: DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES Grabbed too much air off the vert ramp and was shredded in a wind turbine. STEVE MCQUEEN Got locked in a dishwasher.

WILT CHAMBERLAIN Forgot he was wearing Freddy Krueger hands and tried to cover his mouth when he sneezed, slicing his own head off in the process.

OPRAH Not dead.

AMY WINEHOUSE Ate someone’s dust in a bike race, choked.

JOHN LENNON

WINSTON CHURCHILL

Slipped on a toy car and blew himself up with a grenade.

Shot and fell out of top story of Nakatomi Plaza after botched theft. It was rad. JFK Perished in the Challenger explosion.

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Tattoo of the Month

Redbeard Ruminations

Matt Redbeard, contributor

They want us to believe that "Earth" is round but not flat, but, like, pancakes are round and flat. Right in our faces.

Finding constellations is hella easy. Look, a square.

"Let's play basketball in the Matterhorn again tonight." - Neil Armstrong's last words on the moon.

NASA stand s for Nixon Ate Soapy Armpits.

My mom says my cousin is a Meteor Maid. I still don't know what that means.

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WORLD NEWS

Bruce Lynch, contributor

Space Headlines From Around the Globe Astronomers Accused of Squandering Federal Funding after Unveiling Hubble Space Binoculars President Announces Historic Increase to NASA Funding After Watching Marathon of Mystery Science Theatre Seattle Board of Tourism Suffers Unforeseen Setback After Constructing Monumental "Space Haystack" Astronaut Vents Frustration After Checked Bags Loaded onto Wrong Flight NASA Discovers Supermassive Black Hole, Launches Traffic Cone into Orbit to Alert Nearby Motorists

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Miscommunication Leads to Comfort Inn Airport Shuttle Being Launched into Orbit Regulators Express Safety Concerns with Bob Vila’s Wooden Space Station Due to "Severe Lack of Fire Exits" NASA Places Handicap Plates on Mars Rover with Hopes of "Primo Parking Spots" Alarming Study Shows 0% of American High School Students Can Locate the Moon on a World Map Senior NASA Staffer Investigated for Using Government Funds on personal space probes Martians frantically trying to clean up ahead of arrival of Elon Musk

If Ray Had a Penis

Inside the Earth to Outer Space

M. Bunny, contributor

Ray Flynn, female staff Have you ever spaced out on your junk? Have you ever teabagged your cat, with actual tea leaves on your sack? Have you ever made a pig in a blanket, by sticking your cock in a crescent roll?

To keep up with the time warp we're experiencing as a result of parallel universes colliding due to the Mandela Effect, let's reflect on the Top 10 List from The Trippin’ Issue, and the #1 item folks are tripping on. WORMHOLES! Wormholes are everywhere around you! Unlike a rabbit hole, which takes its inhabitant deep into the earth's core, a wormhole will launch its user into other dimensions inside outer space. Most wormholes are caused by actual worms in the soil. People don't typically know this, but "worm castings" is just a shortened version of its ancient name, "worm casting spells." Those little worms in your lawn and garden are all actually little warlocks headed to another realm. Warlock Worms are quite smart, using a technique to fool humans by creating what appear to be tiny "rabbit holes" leading into the dirt, but are actually headed into outer space! Don't ask me how I obtained this information, or if I'm one of the only living creatures on this planet to escape a ceremony with CERN. But facts are facts, worms are warlocks! Now here's the part that takes a wild turn, worms are able to re-grow their bodies. Sure you've probably chopped up a worm while working outside shoveling shit, but did you know that a worm can re-grow itself another body after being chopped into pieces? Not only will the worm live on, but will clone itself and create thousands of "worm holes" placing it separated self in various dimensions throughout the galaxy. *For the growers* Adding worm castings to your soil or compost tea will provide the magical benefit only a warlock could create. Your plants will become spellbinding and take you to regions you've never imagined possible. Everyone will want your magical weed because it will send them to galaxies beyond their belief.

Maybe you’re not using your plumbing to its full potential. You could be taking it for granted. If you need help and are seeking advice, please write to the magazine.

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The Most Spacey: The David Huntsberger Interview

Isaac Kozell, staff

If you missed David Huntsberger’s recent show at Humbrews in Arcata, CA, you missed out. He’s funny, but he’s not just trying to make you laugh. He’s also trying to make you think about the big picture and blow your mind while doing it. Big ideas have been the through line of Huntsberger’s career, which has included the popular science podcast Professor Blastoff with Tig Notaro and Kyle Dunnigan, his current podcast Space Cave, multimedia live shows, and four albums including Explosion Land and Hello Robot. David called from the road for a very lengthy chat about what he’s trying to accomplish with comedy, exploring heady themes in his work, and his upcoming trip overseas to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Our conversation was crazy long and wildly tangential and since you, dear reader, likely have a short attention span, I broke it down to the highlights. On the Humboldt County comedy scene - “It was cool to see such a tiny, weird, little area building such a comedy scene. It was kind of a trip seeing how many people come through there. It's really helpful for going up north because there's not a whole lot between San Francisco and Eugene.” On his monthly LA variety show The Junk Show - “People try to mix it up by doing theme shows. 'Oh, what if we had comedians doing other things?' But I don't want to see people do stuff that they're not good at, so I'll have three or four comics and three or four of something else - magicians, storytellers, sword swallowers - just too kind of break it up.” On the current state of comedy - “Nowadays all comedy seems to just be, 'Here's a story. Here's what's kind of fucked up about me. Here's my perspective on it.' It's like, yeah that's great, but there are also 15 other people doing the same thing. It starts to wear on you after a while. My whole goal all along was to be at least remotely original. I feel like that is more worthwhile than being the absolute funniest. Everyone's champing for that, but I feel like Richard Pryor did it and kind of solidified that spot. So many successful comedians when being interviewed about what's next are like, 'I'm just going to try to get more vulnerable and share more.' I don't know why that's the only route to take. There's a lot of different avenues you can go down.” On his current Nothingness Tour - “It's some of the most spacey of the things I've done so far. The last thing I had done - this animated project - was more psychological. It had to do with the differences between our minds and brains, the material since versus the part of you that feels like you are you. 'I'm not my brain. I'm these thoughts.' This one is a little hippyish, but also kind of sciencey. The whole show takes place up in space in a sort of dark matter, exploring how we get down and physically inhabit a body on Earth. It sounds so stupid to say it out loud, but I like the concept of it. It explores the variety of worlds and dimensions and how we might move in and out of all of them and how this might be just kind of a temporary thing. Carl Sagan had that thing about how we are the universe's Continued next page... 42

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DAVID HUNTSBERGER, continued from previous page... way of experiencing itself. I like to picture the universe as this thing floating on its back through emptiness and being like, 'I wonder what I look like? I wonder what I feel like? I wonder what's at the core of me?'" On drugs - “I'm not really a drug guy. The first time I took mushrooms I said I would do them every five years as a sort of mental check-in with myself. I haven't done them in like 10 years. I never really got into pot. I'd still like to try peyote and maybe some MDMA. I don't know if I trust myself to pursue a bunch of different drugs. I don't know if I would get to a place where I would understand things any better. I would probably get less connected if anything.” On figuring out what to believe - “In this current world that we live in with Trump and stuff I find myself a lot of times going, 'Alright, let me just pretend for a day - not even a day, just 10 minutes - that I'm one of these people. So, I think this and feel that. I'll research this. I'm going to ask around. Let me see what it feels like. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe the media has been infiltrated and it's all been a shell game.' But I always come back to a centralized place.” On his upcoming trip to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - “It's pretty daunting in terms of the logistics. To go live in another country for a month is a big undertaking. I should have done it with this act where I could just show up at a comedy club and perform stand-up and then head on home. But I felt like with it being an arts festival...the last big project I did I worked with all of these animators and I just really liked it. They infused a new level of creativity. I want to try that again this time, so I'm putting new animation together to play behind me. This one will be a little more abstract, kind of like at rock concerts where they have abstract visuals. It'll be a bit of that with tie-ins to the material as well. I want it to draw you in and play to the abstract parts of your mind. Hopefully it'll feel a little like a drug trip.

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Josh’s Diary Pt. 2 (Jan. 5, 1986)

Josh Barnes, contributor

I was sitting in the studio with Michael Jackson trying to make some magic. It had been a few years since Thriller and we were getting the ball rolling again. He had heard I was a fan and thought why not give this 3-year-old a chance and see what he can do? He told me later, and I quote, “At worst I was meeting a fan; I didn’t know I was meeting a Legend.” Anyway, we are sitting in the studio and we start brainstorming. I wrote a masterful track for him and he liked it, but he wanted to make a few changes. He asked me to maybe switch up the beginning, to which I responded, “You know what? I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make difference, and I’m gonna make it right.” MJ looked at me in amazement. I went over and stood in front of the a mirror said Mike, “You know what? If you want change you gotta start with the man in the mirror... and ask him to change”. He looked at me and said, “Josh, no message could be any clearer.” I told him “well I think my work here is done.” I walked outside after gathering my bag. When I got outside I flipped the collar on my favorite winter coat because the wind was so strong. I yelled to Mike as I left, ” This wind is blowing my mind.” I hadn’t realized what I had done at the time, but I knew it was something good, since he invited me back to collaborate again.

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Book Review

Sarah Godlin, staff

The Collapsing Empire John Scalzi, author published by Tor Books The All of the good books (and TV

shows) take place in space. I just read one that was so good that at the risk of sounding repetitive I must craft another review that will be obviously fangirlesque and fawning. It’s not when I hate myself the most, but it’s close. Instead of playing with the hard and fast rules of science, author John Scalzi crafts a universe where fasterthan-light travel is not possible. Far away travel only happens through “flows,” or portals that can transport ships to far-away worlds that are dependent on one another for survival. The flow to Earth closed long ago and the new center of the human universe is Hub, where all flows lead, and its ruler, the new Emperox, is an everywoman named Cardenia, designed to be identifiable and doing a damn good job of it. Her family line has been Emperox for a thousand years, but the flow is collapsing and she will most likely be the last. A filthy-mouthed starship captain and a backwater scientist also factor into the first person perspective, and they are both great, if not 100% fleshed-out. It feels like a purposeful maneuver by Scalzi to make said captain a female sailor-mouth sex predator who you root for all the way. She is one of the best fictional characters I’ve read in quite a while, so cheers, Scalzi. Your plan was see-through, but worked like a charm. The best part of this story is the Emperox’s Room. Every Emperox, from coronation on, has had their memories recorded and an AI of their personality created to appear only for future Emperoxes. Pretty neat idea. It’s the wiseman trope with a sci-fi spin. Obviously, I loved this book. More importantly, it is the first in a series. Most importantly, it takes place in space, so it fit with the theme of this month’s issue. Rating: 48

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5/5 Stars. (HA. Stars.) 49

r e t a w e v r e cons H T I W S T N E I R T U N & m e t s y s p i r ad

The Truth Behind the USS Enterprise

Clarence Worley, contributor

“Space, the final frontier.” True words spoken by a true badass. Oh yeah! His name??? Fucking Captain James T. Kirk -- and for three solid years, from 1966-1969, this captain adventured all over the universes, shooting up shit, and discovering all kinds of cool scientific space things, all in hopes of progressing life for the good of the galaxies. For the most part it could be said that in those three years our brave captain and his crew on the Starship Enterprise did an impeccable job representing earthlings from afar. It could also be said that, like with all governmental galactic agencies, what was presented to the public eye was far from the actual truth!!! Yes, that’s right! I’ve got my whistle to blow and my soapbox to stand on, and I'm here to shine a light on the lesser-known facts about Captain Kirk and his crew. What? No! NO! NO!!! I’m not discrediting anything our Captain and his fine crew did. It’s important to know that I (like all beings in the universe) still have huge boners for everyone on the USS Enterprise (and their work), but as fellow citizens of the federation, it is important that we all know the TRUE acts and not just what the Galactic Starfleet wants us to know. For sake of time I will list only the top 5 secrets of Starfleet, and leave a link to our website so you can research more and KNOW THE TRUTH!!! 1) Captian James T. Kirk wears the same pair of underwear for weeks, BUT will never wear the same sock twice!

talk with our on staff drip expert

2) Spock never flushes the toilet. EVEN WHEN HE GOES NUMBER 2. #2 #2 #2 gross. 3) Dr. McCoy is HIGH as a motherfucker on morphine ALL the time. 4) Montgomery Scott, the ship’s engineer, is NOT really Scottish!! There you have it -- all the juicy details! WWW.KNOWTHESTARFLEETTRUTH.COM

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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH A conquering spacecraft approaches a peaceful planet ready to |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF||| In The Year 3008, terrible jokes, ridiculous puns, and police cyborg Galaxina (1980) and crew parody intergalactic horse operas in their patrol ship Infinity. Ordered to an extra-infrared planet to investigate the scum of the universe, the humanoid crew realize they aren't much welcome there. "This is not our kind of human restaurant." "No," replies the fake-looking Vulcan named Mr. Spot.

Long after the great interplanetary wars, the galaxy has gone dry. The evil Templar control the remaining water and battle The Ice Pirates (1984) with lowbrow slapstick comedy and advanced technology. The medieval space design includes a kidnapped princess story, but a racist joke ruins the film.

Sexy comic book hero Barbarella (1968) flits around psychedelic outer space with uninhibited spy demeanor to battle evil robot mobsters, procure information, and get laid. She crashlands on a planet of twins and bunny rabbits. Later, she wrestles. The rad soundtrack completes this adventure.

Battle Beyond The Stars (1980) and colonize, but needs to leave, and will be back. One guy escapes in a snarky sentient spaceship to wrangle help from a not-very "magnificent seven," including a lazy space cowboy and multiple humanoids from a civilization made up of one identity. Fun, but obvious.

In the form of magic seeds, a Message From Space (1978) is sent to eight unsuspecting space heroes to save a surviving culture from steel-skinned conquerors bent on subjugating the universe. Their Princess follows the prophecy seeds in her space(sail)ship and space go-go outfit catching space fire flies at the space toxic dump while getting chased by space police. The steelskinned baddies find Earth! And blow up the moon!! This movie is awesome.

On Morganthus, at the outer fringes of known space, an unidentified inner-most-fear monster is loose in the Galaxy Of Terror (1981). The Master, leader of the current civilization and a floating red glowing sphere of intelligence, orders the possiblyinsane pilot and her crew to investigate with their headlight backpacks. The maggot rape scene is fucking gross.

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Continued next page... 53

Continued from previous page...

Aliens kidnap a group of scientists to fix their spaceship and replace the dead crew for their voyage home to the constellation Hydra. The crew mutinies, then… work everything out. Then Earth blows itself up with nuclear warfare. Hydra's starting to sound pretty good for the Star Pilot (1966) and crew.

Representatives of the twelve colonies get together to officially form an alliance with the Cylons, but Baltar sells out the humanoid race for annihilation and a ragtag space-convoy, guarded by the Battlestar Galactica (1978), flees for the mythological thirteenth colony, Ürth.

|THE|END|

A ship captain who likes sex the old-fashioned way is annoyed at having to follow orders from a robot ship named Wiz. While the crew plays Cosmic love -- violent or gentle psychedelic sex hallucinations with a miniature Death Star -- the captain is sent to investigate and destroy some space signals. Cosmos: War of the Planets (1977) is a battle against a robot to help some robot holocaust survivors. The bizarre synth soundtrack is amazing, too!

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14 Lessons About Space

Rose Butterfield, contributor

Remember back to those tender, bedwetting years of your life, when that bitch of a stepmother burned your blanky and everyone started asking you what you wanted to be when you grew up? I think I was about 12 or 13. Seeing as I had already developed a fear and loathing of human beings, the most reasonable choice I could imagine was bailing this doomed rock forever. So, like most children my age, inspired by the challenger mission, I decided that I would become an astronaut. Obviously, I needed to do some research on the subject. It was then that I had one of the most intensely informative experiences of my life. I was exposed to the lessons that would forever guide me on my journey towards space travel. And now, as I reach the twilight years of my 30s, I feel obligated to share this incredible wealth of knowledge that I gained from the most valuable interstellar documentary ever made, Barbarella. 1.Make sure that your space suit separates in units of sexy, anti-gravity nudity is the hottest shit in the universe. 2.Don’t bother dressing before video conferencing with your supervisor, such formalities are completely unnecessary in space. 3. Even in space, bitches can't drive. So, be sure to maintain a thick layer of shag carpeting on all surfaces of the interior of your spaceship to help insulate you from the inevitable head injuries that could be sustained by your life endangering landings. 4.When hitchhiking on a foreign planet, beware of creepy twin children traveling by arctic, Manta Ray chariot. 5.Be on guard for blood thirsty dolls with metal teeth, they will cause unsightly runs in your pantyhose in an attempt to feed upon your flesh 6.Have sex with any man/bear/bird/angel that gives you a ride or lets you sleep in his nest. Don’t mind the cloaca,it’s only gross at first. 7.Labyrinths are bad M’Kay. 8.Beware of any smoking hot, raven haired, evil bitch that addresses you as”Pretty-Pretty”. (Spoiler! she just might be the Evil Tyrant!) 9. Parakeets are the piranhas of the bird world. Flee from these feathered fiends lest they peck you to a bloody pulp. 10.Do not fear the Sexecutioner! Take it, and Break it! Go down in history as the woman whose insatiable ability to orgasm has the power to destroy machinery designed to kill by inducing overwhelming climax. 11.Never waste an opportunity to take advantage of an angel. After all, angels have no memory. 56

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My Cousin’s Disgusting, Obnoxious, Ball-Shriveling Wife

William Toblerone, contributor

It was November 2023 when I happened to be in St. Louis attending the Skechers conference. That’s when I got the call. My cousin Daniel was on the phone. Funny thing about Daniel, for three days his legal name was “I know y’all got some liquor in here so fuck you for holding out,” because his mom thought his birth certificate was a comment card for the hospital. Daniel found out I was in town and insisted that I come to a celebration. So I begrudgingly agreed to attend a birthday party for my cousin’s loud, hideous wife, Gerber. Funny thing about Gerber, her mom named her that so that “all her baby eating would look real personalized.” The first present he gave her was a bright pink shotgun. The second one was even dumber. He had been suckered by one of those star registry companies to give Gerber her own star. “You can name it whatever you want,” he said as she stared at the certificate with awe. And that’s the moment when some unsuspecting galaxy’s sun became known as Gerber420Bitch4Life! The following year, Elizabeth Warren became the 46th president. Soon after, she got really crazy with the nuclear button and just started firing them at random until the planet was no longer inhabitable. Luckily, former President Trump had accelerated the space program megabigly, so we had all the resources we needed for the remaining population to begin colonizing a recently discovered planet. What a planet! Just like ours but with no fucking coconut. The new planet was named Adele by popular vote. Adele revolved around a bright white sun we called SunnySun, also by popular vote. That is, until a grotesque, smelly hellraiser named Gerber went to the courts with her legally-binding star registry. “Y’all soaking up heat from my fucking star” read the court records, and she had all the proof she needed. I have to hand it to Gerber: she was willing to share all of the light and heat with the rest of the colonists, so long as the proper name was recognized. And the evening Gerber420Bitch4Lifesets were spectacular. Eventually, though, she found the remaining years of her life entangled in court battles. Turns out those white suns can generate a lot of melanoma, and she was held accountable since it was caused by her star. “If y’all used your Gerber420Bitch4Lifetan lotion y’all wouldn’t have got Gerber420Bitch4Lifeburned,” she argued, to no avail.

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Outer Space Jokes * Annotated by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration Knock Knock. Who’s there? Buzzfeed. Buzzfeed who? Buzz, feed Neil, he’s famished.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Apollo 9. Apollo 9 who? “A pal of mine” introduced me to The New Pornographers.

Mike Spiegelman, contributor Knock Knock. Who’s there? Shooting star. Shooting star who? Shooting tar heroin into your veins can kill.

National Aeronautics and Space Administration notes: There is no sound in space. Ralph Kramer surprised his wife with a quick voyage to outer space. When she removed her blindfold, she saw the Sea of Serenity. "See, Alice," said Ralph. "Like I've always told you, one of these days, Alice! Bang, Zoom! You're going to the moon." NASA notes: Mr. Kramer is taking his previous statements out of context; his aforementioned space travel promise was always a threat of domestic violence.

How many NASA astronauts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Mike Sargent

Palindrome of the Month

Two. One to screw it in, the other to drive cross-country wearing adult diapers. NASA notes: Hey! Not cool! What's NASA's favorite song? "Hot for Teacher." NASA notes: OK, we're done here.

GOD SAW I WAS DOG 60

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Ben’s 10 The hills are alive with the sound of Kaaaay-Slug!

Volume LXXXVI: Moments of Lunacy with Mr. Moon Ben Allen, music editor

All right, it’s the Space Issue. The moon is a celestial body and The Who’s infamous drummer Keith Moon was undisputedly a lunatic, a term originating from the 16th century referring to intermittent insanity caused by the moon. Moon was arguably the wildest man in the history of rock and roll, conducting chaos and anarchy with a unique brand of madness wherever he went. Driving a Rolls Royce into Motel 6 Pool

Moon celebrated his 21st birthday by ingesting a ridiculous number of chemicals and alcohol, starting a huge food fight, then driving a Rolls Royce into the motel’s pool. After managing to escape from the sinking vehicle, Moon casually returned to his birthday party, soaking wet. Dressing Like a Nazi

After a photoshoot dressed in a Nazi uniform, Moon was so inspired by the outrage it caused others, that he kept in character for a week. In a malicious move, Moon drove through a heavily Jewish neighborhood in London, just to get a reaction. Blowing Up Drums on Stage

For their American television debut on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, Moon thought he would really make a “bang,” by climaxing “My Generation” with enormous explosions. The Gong Show

Moon and John Entwhistle managed to rig up a pulley system to fuck with their opening band Herd in 1967. Anytime Herd drummer Andrew Steele went to hit his gong during their set, it would “mysteriously” move just out of reach. Riding an Elephant

At the premiere of “Tommy” at Hollywood’s famous Chinese Theatre, Moon made quite the entrance while riding an enormous elephant into the proceedings, all the while, chugging from a bottle of whiskey. Cross Dressing

Costumes were a favorite of Moon’s, and dressing as a woman appealed to him. “It’s just comfortable, mate,” Moon explained when asked about his attraction to dresses. Toilet Annihilation

No hotel room or bathroom was ever safe when The Who was on tour. A favorite prank of Moon’s was to drop cherry bombs into the plumbing, then witness the inevitable explosion of water and plaster. Passing Out During a Performance

Whoops! Maybe it’s not a great idea to eat a handful of horse tranquilizers chased with Brandy before going on stage? That’s exactly what Moon did in 1973 at the Cow Palace in San Francisco. Urinating on Elton John

“That Elton is a twat,” Moon uttered one obliterated evening as he stumbled over to John’s table at The Troubador in L.A. He proceeded to unzip and piss all over Elton’s appetizers and margaritas. Trouser Quality Control

Listen live at

kslg.com 62

One afternoon Moon entered a clothing shop with pal Larry Smith of the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Explaining to the shop owner that they weren’t certain of the quality of a pair of pants, they proceeded to rip them apart. Luckily, Moon’s limo drive entered and, saying he was in search of a pair of one-legged jeans, purchased the pants, pacifying the irate shopkeeper. www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

Calcium Rich Mineral Composite

Chicano Batman Freedom is Free

Ivan Garcia, contributor Chicano Batman is a band that could have only come out of Los Angeles, California. Their style is as unique as their name, soulful psychedelic conscience rock. Freedom is Free is their best album to date. The recording is a magical trip into the band’s fresh sound, with Bardo Martinez commanding with his funky keyboard and jazzy voice. From the first opening tracks “Passed You By” and “Friendship (Is a Small Boat in a Storm)”, long time listeners can hear the maturity of the band with new label ATO Records. Tracks “Freedom is Free” and “La Jura” show a Gil-Scott Heron seriousness while still producing a great song. This album encapsulates all their hard work from the past 10 years. Roll a blunt and get ready to groove, check out Freedom is Free!

Contains

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Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

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The High Level of Natural Calcium: Supports Enzymatic, Cell Membrane, and GenERAL PLANT FUNCTIONS

Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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Also Available in Granular form Meme by Mike Sargent

The Sorrowful Diapers All Wiped Out Ben Allen, music editor “‘I Cry When I Masturbate? You’ve got to be joking,” I exclaim as the first single off The Sorrowful Diapers new album plays on my stereo. Lead vocalist and songwriter James Haritos has never shied away from exploring themes of personal alienation, despair and loneliness. On his most recent record, his songcraft severely suffers as his tired themes of emotional isolation overshadow any legitimate musical content. He’s masturbating, alright. Only a pretentious, self-absorbed wanker would feel brave enough to subject his listeners to this heaping pile of dogshit. On “Crying,” Haritos emotes over a lost love, practically begging for their return. If you could bottle the angst of Bright Eye’s Conor Oberst on his worst day, it wouldn't even touch the melancholy and crybaby bullshit found on All Wiped Out. Somebody do this guy a favor and kill him now.

Rating: 1 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page... 64

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ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE Neighbors - Neighbors John Hardin, contributor You have got to check out this band. Musically, they remind me of Frank Zappa while vocally, they remind me of They Might Be Giants. They make some of the most delightfully complex, original, witty, sophisticated and just plain rockin' music that I have heard in a long time. This Arcata, CA band, has played together for almost two decades, and yet remain relatively unknown, even in their hometown. They don't sound like a well-oiled machine; they sound like one organism communicating in its native tongue. The record features “Enkidu Must Die,” which sets the Epic of Gilgamesh to music and shows off the band’s agility and precision while “Earth Abides” is a catchy little earworm about a post-apocalyptic world. This is the best record I've heard in years and you need this disc in your collection.

Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

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Bud Time

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors

Triangle OG is an incredibly potent, super smooth, earthy bud that will send your brain into a whirlwind of pure relaxation with a full spectrum of creative thoughts. Redbeard - Ever had that dream where you’re standing in a crowd and everything is so blissful that you pinch yourself to see if it's real only to realize that not only are you awake, but you’re also holding up the line in the Nevada City Safeway trying to buy a Rockstar and a bucket of pepperoni and now you're just pinching yourself? It's like that. Evan - A triangle is known to have three points, and here are three I would like to make about this strain: 1. I got so high that I now fully believe in the Illuminati and wish to become a member. 2. Pyramids had to have been made by aliens, right? WAY too much evidence to say otherwise. 3. This strain tasted great and absolutely annihilated me. One of those "better not have much to do before you smoke" strains. Highly recommended, get some while you can. Rating: 10 Pizza Slices (That’s all the piiza bruh.)

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If We Never Landed on the Moon Zeke Herrera and Chris Durant, staff

We hear a lot of talk about Neil Aldrin punching out some guy who was all yelling at him about the Moon Landing being fake and shot by Francis Ford Coppola on the set of Star Wars or something. Well that ne’erdo-well is a really piece of shit, and stupid to boot, ‘cause if we never landed on the moon, how do we have:

Cheese

Moon Rocks

Moondoggy

Moon Dust

Moon Boots

Moons Over My Hammy

Moon Patrol

Moon Shadow

That’s just to name a few gifts our lunar neighbor has kicked down. So take that, Alex Jones wannabe. We hope Aldrin really landed one on your kisser and you had to go back to film school, dork! 70

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Restaur ant Review Pizza My Heart - Santa Cruz Chris Durant, staff

Catty Mean Girl

You know those days when you drink on the beach all day, check out a theme park and then bounce around a new city going from dispensary to dispensary? And then you’re all like, dang, I can really stand to eat. Or, your wife says she won’t go anywhere else with you unless you eat, so you go to make her happy. If you’re in Santa Cruz, and near a Pizza My Heart, this is the place. Large slices, dripping with gooey cheese and toppings. Hot. Sobers you up with just the right amount of energy to sit through a three hour comedy open mic. And with the first bite you understand why she made you hit this joint. Why she made you walk three blocks to go here instead of Little Caesars. She’s a wise lady. I went with the more traditional pizza selections, but the ol’ lady had some rather more unconventional toppings like goat cheese and some sort of nuts or something...she liked it. Also, lots of vegan and vegetarian fare… it is Santa Cruz after all. Staff was a little too cool for school, but I guess that’s the norm for those popular regional pizza joints… it’s like everyone from the early oughts who worked at a Starbucks now works at a non chain pizza place. Or, how about this for the grandparents out there?….It’s like everyone who worked at a Tower Records in the 90s, their kids all got jobs at regional pizza joints. Rating: 7 out of 12 PBRs

The burrito shop your momma warned you about. Come for the food stay for the abuse.

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Space Game

Don’t look at this Space.

Game Over

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LIVEinHUMBOLDTfifthSt.com

BOSS n’ UP w/ Snoop Dogg P DIDDY’s BAD BOYS OF COMEDY 18 and UP seating chart + ticket info:

AS SEEN IN:

HOW HIGH

2017

JUNE 24th

SCRUNCHO

THE COMEDIAN - The KING OF THE UNDERGROUND

Space Tourism Is Gonna Suck

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Space is just like Earth: rich people always go first and no one can hear you scream, ’cause let's face it, nobody gives a shit. With companies like SpaceX and Orbital Sciences building prototypes for passenger spaceships, commercial space tourism is around the corner. These companies want to make space travel affordable to the mega rich, so how could space tourism not be the worst? Space tourism will cost an average of $2-4 million per passenger with room for only seven passengers each flight. Who do you think can afford a few million for a vacation? The worst people on the planet, the filthy rich. It's going to be a trip full of selfish babies who can't do anything for themselves and are helpless without their personal assistants. What I'm trying to say is rich people are assholes, and they suck huge donkey balls. Commercial space travel isn't for regular folk, the only normal people on the space trip is the staff. Space tourism is going to be full of arrogant pricks and stuck-up yentas, and that sounds like a nightmare. These are the kind of people who complain about everything and have to be waited on constantly. I can only imagine the complaints:

Wait, there's no Starbucks? Well, you better find room for my Bugatti. It's ugly in space. Why don't you plant some flowers or spruce it up. There's not enough oxygen in my sensory deprivation chamber.

This caviar tastes like it's canned. Your anal probe isn't even Cartier. Do you know who I am? You don't expect me to wipe my own butt, do you?

Space is going to be full of assholes until it's cheap enough for a different kind of asshole to go there. Basically what I'm trying to say is most people are awful, whether you are rich or poor. Stop being assholes, It's really that simple. From the dawn of time assholes have been trying to escape from other assholes, it's human nature. Space is just the next frontier where assholes are trying to distance themselves from us normal assholes. Yeah, guess what: I'm an asshole too. Good luck in space, you rich assholes, I'll see you up there once Southwest Airlines starts shooting us dumbshits toward the sun at affordable rates. Let these dipshit millionaires take the first commercial space flights and you can just huff some paint and see stars, like me. www.savagehenrymagazine

Savage Henry Horoscopes Aries March 21 to April 19 Ever get the feeling you’re not getting the credit for your work as a planetary body? Yeah… me too.

Sagittarius November 22 to December 21

Taurus April 20 to May 20 Oh, I’m not a planet anymore? Well fuck you, my man.

Capricorn December 22 to January 19

Gemini May 21 to June 20

Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

Cancer June 21 to July 22 Remember those moons I talked about a second ago? Well, they’re named Supertramp, Styx, Loverboy, and .38 Special. Leo July 23 to August 22 What the hell, Disney? The only non-language speaking character in your universe is named Pluto… No respect… no respect. Virgo August 23 to September 22

If I hear another stupid joke saying that Pluto is so far away it’s next to Uranus I swear to God I’m gonna join the Andromeda galaxy where maybe I can get some goddamn respect. Scorpio October 23 to November 21 OK, I guess I could’ve been named Uranus, so it’s not that bad. 78

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Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

Ailment of the Month

SPACE MADNESS

It’s when you send a chihuahua to space and they go mad. Chihuahuas are always either mad or scared, but in this case mad is a synonym for crazy. This is a bad thing to add to a chihuahua’s personality, so if you can avoid it please keep your chihuahua on Earth. next month:

The BROTHERS & SISTERS Issue

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