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Table of Contents The Coolest Kings Of All Time.......................................................9
Lorde’s Follow-Up Hits..................................................................61
The Patriots Win is Literally Everything.................................13
Ben’s 10.............................................................................................62
The World of Celebrities..............................................................15
Album Reviews................................................................................65
(NSFW) Steelers Coach Postgame Talk.................................17
A Layman’s Guide to Whiskey....................................................69
Wagging Our Royal Tails...............................................................19
Bud Time............................................................................................71
Global Warming Emergency Plan 2017..................................21
New Weed Extracts.......................................................................73
2016’s Dead Celebs with Royal Blood....................................23
A Royal Court Jester’s Daily Schedule....................................75
Cliff Hanker Episode 17...............................................................25
Savage Henry Horoscope............................................................78
Jobs. Golf Course Jobs................................................................27
EavesDroppings..............................................................................81
Capes: The Future We Need & Deserve.................................29 If Ray Had a Penis...........................................................................31 Proverb Rough Drafts...................................................................33 Queen of the Drag..........................................................................35 Obscure Cuts of Beef, Ranked...................................................37 Royal Rumble Facts.......................................................................39 New Monthly Subscription Boxes............................................41 Waiting in Line – The Dave Stone Interview..........................43 How to Tell if PrinceBigJuicyDickDoctor4U is Actual Royalty...............................................................................................47 America Will Never Be a Monarchy...........................................49 Other People Named Adolf Hitler.............................................51 This Shit is For Reels.....................................................................52 Luke The Royal Pig..........................................................................57 Disingenuous Bloodline................................................................59 What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?.....................................59 6
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The Coolest Kings Of All Time
Cornell Reid, staff
King Edward the 4th Invented King Edward 40 Hands. Eventually they dropped the king part because for a while no one played it because they thought you had to be a king to imbibe. Now though, since they dropped the king, only Edwards can play it. Either way tho, it’s a hella tight game that gets you FUCKED up! King James the 69th Hahahahahahahaha, need I say more? You da man, James! I bet you had a happy queen if you know what I’m saying! LOL! He killed millions. Simba Mufasa jumped off a cliff into a bunch of yaks or something cuz he wanted to kill himself. He was like, “My life sucks, I’m so depressed. I’m all emotional and shit. My movie is a cartoon and I know Pixar is right around the corner; this sucks, I’m killing myself.” It’s hard to blame him for that. But then Simba came along and he was like, “Life is tight!” He got his ears gauged, he ate Pumba’s ass out, and he was the first king to legalize MDMA. Whatever King Put Crown Royal in that Dope-Ass Bag Hi I’m a purple bag. I’m used for holding drugs and cum at the same time. Occasionally I’m used for a bottle of Crown Royal. King Huge Dick He was a great king. He ruled very nobley. Everyone liked King Huge Dick because he was very gracious to the people. He spent his fortune building houses for the needy and feeding the hungry. He never once waged war. When he came to power, his country was currently at war, but King Huge Dick quickly put a stop to all of that. He was a great negotiator and always negotiated for what was best for everyone. Not a single person died under his reign unless they wanted to die cuz they were hella sick, like Kevorkian style, which people thought was cool back then. Also King Huge Dick had a tiny dick which was a sign of class at the time. King Kong the 420th WHOA!!!! Bazinga! Ummmm I’ll have what me lord is having! Continued next page... 8
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The Coolest Kings of All Time, continued from previous page... King Freddy Kruger He’s actually not a king at all. He’s a DJ. King DJ This King was a king and a DJ! How tight is that? He actually invented jumping up and down in front of a laptop all the way in 1300 AD. His laptop was just a rock with an apple taped to it but it still had some killer fucking songs in there. He was also the first king to have a neck tattoo. The tattoo was of Slimer from Ghostbusters with a tab of acid on his tongue. Now this was about 685 years before Ghostbusters even came out. No one else knew what Slimer, Ghostbusters, acid or bass were. They only had dementia and the music of the lute so when he first dropped the bass people literally exploded. King Frank the 0th King Frank dropped a bomb on the earth and killed the dinosaurs. People don’t know that Kings were around back then, but if you read the Bible then you would know that dinos and people were chilling at the same time. Well they were at least until King Frank was all like, “Man, fuck this! All my friends are getting eaten by dinosaurs. That’s fucked up!” So he built a fat-ass bomb and bombed all the Earth and killed all the dinos. He survived the blast, though, because he had a super secret bunker underground that he shared with Superman and Jesus and Bilbo Baggins. So he shot the bomb in the air then he ran underground with the homies and they were all, “Haha, King Frank, you’re crazy for that one! But for real, that was dope, though!” And Jesus was like, “Man, I don’t know what my dad was thinking, dinosaurs sucked!” Then they took fat bong rips for like 750 centuries. They started to make dabs too but their dab rig blew up and that’s why the inside of the earth is all molten lava.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed your history lesson. I know this can all get a little dense but read this article 4 or 5 more times and you should begin to retain all the info. Remember, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it!
We here at the Savage Henry headquarters also think this King is pretty cool.
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The Patriots Win is Literally Everything
Sean Spicer, contributor assisted by Rocco T
These are trying times for the American people. So many are attempting to come together while the rest of us try to keep all of the different types of people separated like someone with casual OCD enjoying a bag of skittles. We slogged through an abysmal 2016 where we lost many white icons, as well as the untalented, and frankly unpopular, popstar Prince. 2017 began with a momentary moment of hope, as Donald Trump became president, however it seems like everything the man will attempt to do during his presidency will be fought hard by fragile libs. So it goes. It is precisely times like this when watershed moments generally occur. And on February 5, 2017 we got that moment. The New England Patriots defied all odds, rose up, and beat the Atlanta Falcons in a true David and Goliath story, proving to America that the little guy really can triumph. The American Dream we have all spent our entire lives thinking about has been proven true. We needed this. You’re going to have your detractors, as is the case for every great victory throughout history. There will be folks saying, “but they get caught cheating literally every season,” or, “but their head coach looks like he pays people to let him hurt them,” or, “but all of their fans are the same person wearing one of three outfits depending on weather and time zone.” To these spreaders of fake news we will simply smile and carry on, turning our cheek like Christ as they hurl toxic insults at us. They are sore losers. We must show them that we are gracious winners. Eventually war will finally be upon us and, if our great nation can fight like Tom Brady did in the fourth quarter, I don’t think even the weak snowflakes will hold us back from conquering the world and making America as great as the formidable New England Patriots. God bless them. And God bless us all.
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The World of Celebrities
Zack Newkirk, staff
I am laid up with morbid obesity, extreme social anxiety, and excruciating gout, but that doesn't mean my little spies don't bring me the hottest, sexiest whispers from THE WORLD OF CELEBRITIES! so I can bring you, dear reader, all the brand-spanking-new salacious rumors from THE WORLD OF CELEBRITIES!
Item: Hunky Brad Pitt and that horrible frigid homewrecking
hussy tramp ice queen chickenhead gutter duck swamp donkey Angelina Jolie have filed for divorce, but nobody's saying whose fault it is. I have my suspicions, but they shall remain secret!!
Item: Nick Nolte was sitting on a short stool recently, sources close
to the Academy Award-winning actor say, and fell off and hurt himself only a little, maybe a bruised elbow. Some other sources add, on an unrelated note, that Nolte is suspected of being the infamous Boston Strangler, who killed over a dozen Massachusetts women in the 1960s!
Item: Actress Natalie Portman may be Jewish, hiss my spies
-- but that doesn't mean she has any sort of connection to the shadowy Zionist cabal that controls world events through its banking interests, my spies insist as I write this anyway!
Item: A little bird tells me -- a tiny, delicate bird, dagger-eyed
and fleet of wing, resolute to task despite the chill vortices of capricious Winter -- that Leonardo DiCaprio is a filthy slut!
Item: Halle Berry has a pet turtle! Item: Rumor has it Jet Li has decided to hang up his leg for good! "No more kicks," the pint-sized action star reportedly told friends at a Hollywood birthday bash. No word yet on whether or not Li has decided not to punch anymore also!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hmm button is stuck. Now backspace isn't working. Note to self to fix all this before it goes to print.
Item: Who's the big star who traded in his life of drunken revelry
for a sober existence of peaceful meditation? If you've heard of anyone like that, email me at Big9Rumor55Mercenary1987_770@ hollywoodcelebsecretz.de/dropbox_helper.htm so I can spread the news in next month's edition of talking about THE WORLD OF CELEBRITIES!
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Palindrome of the Month
(NSFW) Steelers Coach Postgame Talk
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Those who paid attention to the election cycle are no strangers to so-called “locker room talk.” But what about when it takes place in an actual locker room? And what if inside that locker room is an NFL team? Steelers receiver Antonio Brown recently recorded the post-game speech that head coach Mike Tomlin delivered to the team and posted it on Facebook. Here is the transcript of that speech. Tomlin: Good win out there, good win. (cheers) Unknown Player: Heck yeah. Tomlin: Alright, alright, settle down. Gentlemen, next week’s gonna be big, real big. (A player who sounds like tight end Ladarius Green cheers)
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Tomlin: I said quiet down, fellas. Next week’ll be 21 years. 21 beautiful years with my perfect angel. I’m thinking about… about going to Home Depot and picking up some paint. Unknown Player: Behr? Tomlin: That’s right, some Behr and painting the bedroom that Burnt Sienna color she likes so much. Green(?): You mean Sienna Dust. Tomlin: Sienna Dust. That’s the one. She’s always running her hands through them damn swatches
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Rocco Tenaglia, contributor
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talking about, “Ooh, Michael, I really love this color.” I think it’s only fair I give her what she wants. (cheers) Tomlin: But that’s not what’s important. We have to keep our eyes on the competition. Unknown Player: That’s right. Tomlin: My damn in-laws always invite us to dinner for our anniversary. Can you believe that? Like, what, they don’t think I can handle it? I’m a grown man. I can make a reservation at Olive Garden. They’re great people, but I’ve had it up to here with that stuff. (Defensive end Stephon Tuitt is heard “whooing” in the style of famed WWE wrestler Ric Flair) Tomlin: Yeah, we’re going all out. No box left unchecked. I can’t wait. My baby’s going to be thrilled. Now let’s bring it in here. (cheers) Tomlin: Tom Brady’s a cunt.
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Wagging Our Royal Tails
Ausbon Brown III, contributor
There's always a higher class of society to break into, no matter which rung on the ladder you're currently relegated to. It's in our nature to seek the next, more meaningful level of life. We’re all just dogs chasing fancy cars we may never catch. Sometimes the car stops and backs over you; sometimes you catch the car and only find boring assholes inside. Yet, sometimes that car stops, lets you jump inside, offers you a beer, and hot-boxes your ass while you're on your way to the ski resort. The danger isn't the pursuit of something more, it is when society projects the idea of that superior status onto specific people. Then they essentially become Royalty. Once your hopes and dreams have coalesced into a specific person or persons, your aspiration has been weaponized. It can be used against you to simply further aggrandize those you seek to join in their quasi-royal opulence. Oh, you want to be like the Kardashians because you see them on TV and Instagram? Sure, buy this weird-ass phone app, random perfume or nipple glitter lotion and every other sponsored product they are paid to show you.
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Just when you thought a gaudy, disconnected and self-serving family couldn't do more damage to the American psyche than the Kardashians, enter the Trumps. Many poor, downtrodden, hardworking men saw them as the new royalty they could aspire to, under the right economic conditions. And what redblooded American man doesn't aspire to grab women by the pussies, defraud people looking for real estate education and have a wife who can barely speak? Okay, depending on who you are, maybe one of those things sounds appealing. But just get behind me on this one: no one really aspires to those things. People saw the image, the general outline of blinding success. He became a brand, Pseudo-American royalty. That's the thing about any kind of royalty, though. They will use their status to elevate themselves while leaving their admirers to wear themselves out just trying to get to the back bumper of that speeding car.
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Global Warming Emergency Plan 2017
Ivan Garcia, contributor
Millennials await 2017’s extreme heatwave that will kill off most regressive elderly elite to continue their progressive social ideas. First step to be taken is to stop offering tech support to all your nanas, tatas, grannies, and grandpas so they are unable to listen to talk radio. Second, take away all service animals and send them the newly constructed puppy and kitty town USA. And third, schedule all walks to be taken at noon the day of heatwave to insure maximum heat stroke. After the plan has been executed there will be a massive release of gases into the atmosphere. Scientist have assured citizens that the gasses, mostly made up of baby powder and mouthwash particles, will help with reducing carbon levels. All political offices will be up for re-election. The whole country will be declared a national park. Statewide pizza parties will be held in honor of this day.
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2016’s Dead Celebs with Royal Blood
M. Bunny, contributor
The world lost a ton of wonderful celebrities and musicians in 2016. But you probably didn't know that within that community of deceased celebs some of them were of royal lineage. Glenn Frey. He was a cofounder of the Eagles. Many didn't know but Glenn actually was directly related to Roman Emperor Tiberius. Tiberius was known to have a sex addiction, hence Glenn Frey writing "Hotel California." David Bowie. He was "Jareth the Goblin King." Merle Haggard shared the exact same blood as Henry VI of England, who had a mental break after losing a war. This same blood flowed through the veins of Haggard as he became one of our favorite Highwaymen. George Michael. He was first cousin to Princess Diana. They grew up together and she was actually his inspiration for writing "Father Figure." Leonard Cohen died last year and that was sad, especially since we lost the last direct relative to Joan Of Arc. In 1971 Leonard released a song titled "Joan of Arc" to honor his distant grandmother's life. Gene Wilder was destined for loving Chocolate as a direct relative to Henry the VIII from England. Henry was known for loving Chocolate milk so much, it killed him. Henry VIII was the Grandson of Henry VI, so that makes Merle Haggard Gene's 3rd Uncle once removed.
He never was the King but, he sure was a wonderful Prince. Prince will be missed. Obviously royal or that wouldn't be his name. Chyna from the WWE was able to pin anyone down while being as a "pin up" at the same time. She will be missed by all; nothing sounds better than a transition from WWE to Playboy. I just wish I wouldn't have missed Macho Man's crossover. Chyna was a direct relative to Wu Zetian of the Tang Dynasty. Wu was known for his violent and sexual behavior, which totally passed down to his relative. She paid homage to her family by changing her name legally at age 9 to Chyna. 22
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Cliff Hanker Episode 17: Prince of Rides
Seth Milstein, contributor
Hank was shocked at the revelation that Smithee had a bi-polar disorder, the medication for which he had just run out of. They drove on now with more urgency. Their situation seemed dire as they were on the run from gangsters whom had teamed up with secret societies and were receiving help either from hackers that had cracked communications for government agencies or from a mole whom had infiltrated the very agency that Smithee himself worked for. All this and now they were also being metaphorically chased by the discord of Smithee’s own unbalanced emotions which were beginning to ebb and flow drastically. Hank enjoyed looking out the window and watching the world go by. He would sometimes pick an object in the distance and stare at it until it was just about to pass and then let go of his gaze and watch it fall away in his periphery as he picked a new object to focus on. It was a childlike game to play but after all of the synaptic damage he had put his mind to over the years and especially over the last few weeks it was actually quite beautiful. The tension building in the car was putting a medium to heavy strain on it. Smithee seemed to drive with more intensity. Every time Hank would glance over would yield a different result. From tears, to manic laughter, to quietly nervously mumbling under his breath, Smithee was clearly not in a good place. He gradually increased the speed of the car to around a hundred miles per hour. Hank wanted to say something out of fear but thought better of it. He thought of all the drug induced occasions where he himself must have looked like that to an observer. Then he had an idea. Hank handed Smithee a lighter. The confused look on Smithee’s face was one of inquiry. Hank then explained the concept of a totem. That Smithee had nothing to fear as long as he had the lighter with him. He scoffed at the concept initially but was in such a fragile emotional state that he subconsciously gave that power to his newly discovered totem and the mood in the car seemed to ease up. At this point their location was beyond rural when the car slowed and turned from gravel to dirt road then through a clearing, pulled up to a castle…
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Jobs. Golf Course Jobs
Scott Bowser, contributor
The future of America seems to be in doubt. The nation hasn't been this divided since the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes. The one thing we should always look to do during a regime change is maximize our earning potential.We all need to learn how to work at golf courses. This is our reality with a real estate executive chief. As we descend into a culture of amateur mediocrity, acknowledge this should go down like a combination of Caddyshack and Schindler's List. Jobs. Golf course jobs. If you want to thrive in the next four years get ready to work in a country club environment. I've done the math on this. With a fascist takeover afoot I've looked at history and have done the math and realized that by the year 2020, 85% of the United States will be covered in golf courses. This is the best investment opportunity of our lives. Whether you cater to high society, blow gophers up with C4, or sharpen pitching wedges for a living, you will have a place in the new order. Shit when they give us break time at the camps we might be able to sneak out and help sod the grass. The camps will be Bill Murray fans. Chevy Chase fans will be relegated to isolated mansions with topless women going down slides like it was that 4th birthday party you had at the McDonald's playpen on Santa Gertrudes and Leffingwell (Whittier!). The Ted Knight fans will be running the camps. Our only saviors will be the Rodney Dangerfield fans. They'll use eccentric wealth to help bring down the ridiculous nature of the people at the top. But they'll only do that by forcing us all to accept our golf course fate. We all need to really enjoy that caddy pool hour. 26
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Capes: The Future We Need & Deserve Why don't more people wear capes? Royals have it down. Get yourself a nice, fancy cape and you'll never be cold or unfashionable. And imagine vaping in a cape! Oh boy! Believe me, you want to vape in a cape. I'm tired of these pesky sleeves always getting in my way. I'm here to put my allegiance behind capes and declare war against sleeves in general. I think there must be a cape conspiracy going on, because I honestly don't know why they aren't more popular. Look at who actually wears a cape: royalty, Elvis, super heroes, James Brown, pretentious college professors, Severus Snape, Darth Vader, Sherlock Holmes, and Dracula. That list seems pretty good to me. Who is behind this conspiracy? Why are capes not more popular, yet every numbskull in a trucker hat just happens to own multiple coats? I'll venture a guess that the city of Burlington and their mysterious coat factory may have something to do with this particular controversy. Now I don't want to ruffle any feathers over there at L.L. Bean or Burberry, so I'll just stick to the facts. Capes are a perfect article of clothing and they deserve the proper respect. They give you so much more freedom than a coat, and they exude a sense of class and
Adam Jacobs, contributor
sophistication. Why wouldn't you want to dress like a king going to a royal ball? Get that hand out there and wave to your loyal subjects; you deserve it. A cape allows your arms to be free for any activity you could imagine without the constant distraction of sleeves. Have I mentioned my disdain for sleeves? They keep you confined and literally strapped into your shirt like a caged lion who just wants to get free. Set that big cat free, poppa; let your primal self scream and howl at the moon. Cut the literal and figurative strings on yourself and lose the sleeves. Jump on this cape trend and you might as well vape just so you can vape in a cape. Throw away your jackets, cut off your sleeves and free yourself from the mental slavery that are sleeves. If you want to unite our country, I say get rid of the sleeves that bind you and celebrate with a cape.
Look towards our heroes like Superman, Batman, Queen Elizabeth, and Elvis mutha fucking Presley, who all wore capes and are better because they didn't have sleeves weighing them down. Capes are the future and the past all at the same time. Free the arm and embrace the cape.
By Spencer DeVine 28
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If Ray Had a Penis
Ray Flynn, staff
Richard I a.k.a. Richard Lionheart, was the king of England from 1189 to 1199. He also ruled as the Duke of Normandy. He was a king and knight. He had the reputation of being a great military leader and warrior. Besides being known as valiant and a great fighter, he was also recognized for being a great sinner. He taxed the clergy and was also prone to the sins of lust, pride, greed, and excessive cruelty. Some say there is evidence of him being homosexual, though there were accounts of him taking women by force. He did have at least one illegitimate child. Straight or not, I think it is safe to say that Richard I, a.k.a. Dick I, was in fact, a royal dick. If I had a penis, I would like it to be a royal one. A little crown would be nice.
Artist’s note:
Photo by Dutch Savage
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I forgot to add a golden Prince Albert ring under the head of my crowned dick. My apologies.
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Royal Tattoo of the Month
Proverb Rough Drafts
Zeke Herrera, staff
Original: If you give a man a fish he eats for a day. RD: If you give a man a fish you're really nice. Original: Everything's a nail to a hammer. RD: Everything's soup to a spoon, or maybe it's cereal. Original: Two wrongs don't make a right. RD: A privatized prison system will probably be fine.
Photo by Dutch Savage
Original: The pen is mightier than the sword. RD: You can't even write stuff with a sword. Original: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. RD: If something is annoying you should drown it in lubricant. Original: People who live glass houses shouldn't throw stones. RD: If you live in a glass house maybe reconsider your life choices.
What a Queen, eh? ♥
Original: You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. RD: Oh boy, well, you got a few things right. The bacon and cheese were a plus, but have you considered breaking at least a few of the eggs? Original: Birds of a feather flock together. RD: Dude, one time I saw like a million gooses flying over me; it was crazy. Original: The early bird catches the worm.
RD: I'm worried there might be too many bird proverbs. Original: Never look a gift horse in the mouth. RD: Yo, why's this horse dressed like Santa? Original: Beggars can't be choosers. RD: Dear Horse Santa, please let Donald Trump be president. Original: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. RD: Make America Great Again.
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Queen of the Drag
Gage Hensley, contributor
As the protest begins to unwind and numbers begin to dwindle, we pull aside the remaining activist who stayed resilient throughout the tribulations of their cause. We spoke with Clyde "Junior" McCallister, Jr., who has been in the mix all day and gave us a few minutes of his time before bringing the rally to the close. Interviewer: Mr. McCallister, thank you for taking the time to sit with us. McCallister: Not a problem, sir! Anything to get the word out on the travesty that's spread across our nation. I: Fantastic. What cause are you catering to currently? MC: To the slander of the Drag Queens of our generation! I: That's a noble cause. What about these slanders have you riled up? MC: Where do I even begin? From segregation to mockery, people have gone out of their way to make these Champions feel unwelcome! All because of their sex! I: Champions? MC: Damn straight! You don't reach 160 mph on a mile track to NOT get called a champion! I: I'm sorry, I don't follow... MC: What's so complicated about it?! If you burn enough rubber to get called “Queen of Drag,” then you owe your highness some gosh darn RESPECT!" I: Oh my God.. MC: I mean these powerful women are tearing up the streets just to be ridiculed! Telling them they secretly are men! It's just a race car! A sport! I: Sir, I believe you're mistaken. MC: No, SIR, You're mistaken! Stevie McDragQueen would be rolling in her grave right now! I: Mr.McCallister, Steve McQueen was a man. MC: Don't you start that misogynistic talk with me, Mr. Sir!
The interview was cut short do to a man dressed as a woman walking by, causing McCallister to shake his head and walk away. He is still a powerful advocate for gender equality.
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Obscure Cuts of Beef, Ranked
Zack Newkirk, staff
The elite gastronome isn't content with your run-of-the-mill cuts of beef. That $120 rib eye steak seared rare? Take it in hand and heave it into the ocean where it belongs with all the other trash. No, the pure gourmand knows the secret bovine menu -- the truly arcane cuts of beef. Here they are, in ascending order of succulence:
Tendergroin Milton’s Scarf The slaps Tongue butt Dunderswaddle Cow dick Overgooch Spinemeat Neck chunk Whole flatgut Fatsock Anus
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Royal Rumble Facts
Matt Redbeard, contributor
The first Royal Rumble happened in 1997 deep within the Earth's crust. The winner was a giraffe named Mittens who was so hardcore he was missing most of his face. What a great achievement for sport entertainment. The longest Rumble in history took place over 33 years when the Japanese great Larry Jerry was in a 33-year coma that's he's officially 2 years into right now. What a great achievement for sports entertainment. Royal Rumble '99 will forever be remembered as the Blind Rumble, when Officer Cheese cut the cheese at the beginning of the match, which was so potent that it permanently blinded all the other competitors and 47.6% of the attending audience. What a great achievement for sports entertainment.
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Hulk Hogan won his first world title at Royal Rumble '10 when he ate one Chicago Dog for every person in attendance. There were 100,000,006 people at that Rumble. That's a lotta hot dogs, brother. So many hot dogs that at the end of the PPV, while being handed the title, Hulk Hogan turned into the hot dog that we all knew he was meant to be. What a great achievement for sports entertainment. Royal Rumble '17 was so rad cause Kenny Omega* comes out and beats the dog shit out of every hack wrestler on the roster and everyone else retires, ‘cause like duh, what's the point anymore? I'll never be better than that. And they just hand him the title and the only competition left for him is that blow up doll and that seven-year-old girl he wrestles on YouTube. WHAT A GREAT ACHIEVEMENT FOR SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! *Footnote. I wrote this before Royal Rumble this year actually happened and if Kenny Omega isn't there I will have lost all faith in humankind and will have to go back to my native planet of weed. Seriously, I can't take a shit president and a pointless, Kenny Omegaless Royal Rumble in the same month. www.savagehenrymagazine
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New Monthly Subscription Boxes We’ve all seen them....Loot Crate, Blue Apron and some others that sponsor some podcast we really don’t care to remember. Well we grabbed this list from Box Con this year about new ones dropping on the scene into your mailboxes this year:
Box o’ Boxes
A box full of different sizes boxes for your monthly boxing needs.
Trump Trunk
toEvery month we ship you supplies so you can build a wall around your house.
Ex-box
toWe send you items from your previous partners just to bring you down once a month. Or up?
Meth Box
toA box sealed with 80 different layers of tape, filled with 4 more boxes just like it.
Box of Cox
toJust full of obsolete cable modems, don’t get excited!
Blue Apron Employees Lunch Box
toWe take whatever our employees brought for lunch and mail it to you!
Deliverydoo
toRustic Aboriginal Instruments sent straight to your door, mate!
Box-o-Trouble
toEach month we send an enemy of your choosing a suspicious amount of fertilizer, along with an anonymous tip to the FBI.
Bate-Crate
toWe send a soundproof crate, that you can climb inside of and masturbate in without your loved ones being able to see or hear you. Crates also available in extranoisy and clear--for the watchers.
Lox Box
toSalmon by mail.
Pass Stash
toEach month you get a sealed container of clean pee.
Butt Box
toBox full of butts.
Schrodinger’s Crate
toEvery month, the most valuable object in the universe is shipped directly to your door, guaranteed! Guarantee void if Crate is opened.
DropBox
toA monthly crate full of rare, one-of-a-kind items that have been poorly mishandled and broken by a moody postal worker. 40
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Waiting in Line – The Dave Stone Interview
Isaac Kozell, staff
Dave Stone is an LA-by-way-of-Atlanta comedian with a damn good biscuit recipe. Stone has been touring the country, refining his act, and slowly piecing together his career for over 10 years. In that time he’s performed on The Late Late Show, started a podcast with Kyle Kinane called The Boogie Monster, lent his voice to Squidbillies, and released a full length album titled Hogwash. I talked to Stone about his death row meal, the long, slow process of building a grassroots fan base, and his upcoming show in Humboldt. Isaac Kozell: You're becoming known as a pretty big food guy. People seem to really like your recent biscuit recipe. Dave Stone: Yeah, that was on me and Kinane's podcast. Initially the point was cryptozoology, ghosts, UFOs, and paranormal stuff, but it just somehow kind of devolved into a food podcast. We just kind of wind up talking about food most of the time. Since I'm a big foodie and kind of an amateur chef we talk a lot about the food I make and recipes and stuff. We jokingly talked about my biscuit recipe and I said that it was too long and detailed to give out on the podcast, but if anyone really wanted it they could email us and I would be glad to type it out and send it to them. 1200 emails later and people are still asking about that damn biscuit recipe. IK: What is your death row meal? DS: I've thought a lot about this. It would probably be from this place in Baton Rouge called Bellue's. I'm pretty convinced that it's the best meal I've ever had. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. I've done the math. I've eaten over 30,000 meals in my life and I think I've narrowed it down to the best one being Bellue's. I had crawfish étouffée, red beans and rice with tasso ham, mustard greens, and fried boudin. IK: You just wrapped up a tour. I noticed on Twitter that you posted the stats of your tour, how many shows and cities you had done. You also included “zero agent” and “zero GoFundMe.” You've had a good bit of success as a comic. You've done TV spots. You've done voices on Squidbillies. Are you doing this all completely unrepresented? DS: Absolutely. I had a manager for a while, for about 3 years. I fired her about a month ago because she wasn't doing anything. She's a big-time LA manager with a bunch of big clients. It's not uncommon to be what we call out here “hip pocketed.” She signed me about three years ago. What they do is they sign someone up who's got some upside, but maybe not doing a whole lot yet, and then they just put you in their back pocket and wait for you to do something on your own and then they capitalize on it. In three years she didn't really do anything for me so I finally got fed up. So I've had a manager before, but I've never had an agent. In all honesty I would rather have Continued next page... 42
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DAVE STONE, continued from previous page...
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DS: It was kind of a natural progression. I started in Atlanta and spent five years there. I loved every second of it. It's a great place to start comedy. It's like comedy college. I spent four or five years learning to do a thing and then felt that it was time to graduate and go get a job, get out in the real world and put the skill I've been working on to use. The thing about going to New York or LA is that every night I'm doing shows with some of the best comics in the country. In Atlanta I could kind of phone it in and still have the best set of the night, but out here I'll be on a show where it's me Pete Holmes, Kinane, Rory Scovel, John Mulaney. There's no phoning it in on that one. Not that I have any illusions of being the best one on the show that night. The goal just switches to “I want to prove that I belong on this show.” That's what LA did for me immediately. You gotta prove yourself all over again.
IK: I want to go back to the “zero GoFundMe” thing. That's something that I personally have a beef with. If you want to go on tour, record an album, or make a special and can't figure out how to do it on your own you shouldn't be doing it. If you don't treat your comedy like a business you'll never understand the business of comedy.
IK: You're doing a show on February 14th at The Jam in Arcata. It's advertised as a Valentine's Day show. Is this going to be something different, like a one-man show on relationships or something?
DS: It perpetuates the epidemic of skipping ahead, skipping the line. Like, “I don't want to pay my dues. I want to go on a tour, so help me go tour." That's not how touring works. There's definitely an epidemic of comics touring who have no business touring. I'm not throwing shade and I don't want to sound like an asshole, but there are guys who have 15 minutes who want to go out on tour. Good for you that you got a tour poster and actually booked some shows, but you gotta remember, at the end of the night, are the people leaving your show satisfied? Was that a good show that you put on, Mister “I've been doing comedy for a year-and-a-half with 12 mediocre minutes?” It takes years to get to the point where you can be a good touring comedian. You can't skip the line.
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an agent than a manager. Not to condescend, but a lot of people outside of Hollywood don't really know what the difference is. A manager just kind of guides your career, helps you make decisions on what you should try to be focusing on, that kind of stuff. An agent will actually get you work, whether it be a booking agent who actually books you in clubs, or theatrical agent who will get you auditions. I'm not opposed to having an agent, but I guess no one is interested in representing me. I always make a point to say that. With all of my DIY touring people will say, “Oh, you've got somebody booking that for you?” Nope, it's just one hundred percent me. I throw that out there to let people know it is possible to tour without the assistance of an agent. An agent would make things easier, but I've never had an agent, so what am I going to do, just not tour?
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DS: It's one hundred percent coincidental. I've been doing comedy for over 10 years and I've never done a relationship joke. It's one of those topics that's just overdone. I've never done relationship jokes, race stuff, politics. It's just not my style. Nobody wants to hear what I have to say about those generic topics that have been done a billion times. I'm not really helping sell the show. [laughs] IK: So would it be safe to say that this show would be perfect for those people who view Valentine's Day is a bullshit corporate holiday and just want to come out and goof off? DS: Absolutely.
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IK: You have to invest in yourself. It's like paying your way through college, buying a car, or starting a business. Don't ask other people to pay your way for you. Don't ask people to pay for your fantasy. DS: And not to make it too much about me, but it devalues what people like me are doing. It devalues the guy who spent 10 years working the road playing shitty clubs and making almost no money to slowly, but steadily, develop a grassroots thing. I try not to throw shade directly at people, but any chance I get to throw a generic little burn like that I'll take it. IK: You were doing comedy in Atlanta and then made the move to LA. Did you feel you had hit a ceiling in your home scene? www.savagehenrymagazine
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How to Tell if PrinceBigJuicyDickDoctor4U is Actual Royalty or: Just a Doctor: Learning to Protecting Your Tender Heart from Those Tinder Lies Tiffany Greysen, contributor It’s Friday night and you’re getting ready to meet your blind date for the first time, and just like hundreds of other women across the city, you start to wonder where this date will or won’t take you. Jane Doe is getting ready to meet her Tinder date for the first time. As she picks her lipstick and the perfect shoes, she starts to worry that her Tinder date might ruin her wedding plans just minutes into their first date by not being exactly what she has made up in her mind. “It’s actually a huge letdown when your date isn’t what you planned, I mean, I spent the last three work days on Pinterest picking out the perfect wedding color theme. I can’t tell you how devastated when my last Tinder relationship let me down. LickyPussyFuck6969 wasn’t anything like his profile. He was foul, aggressive, and insensitive. It really did a number on me when I realized he wasn’t interested in a relationship. It took me weeks to recover. I do have a really good feeling about PrinceBigJuicyDickDoctor4U, I think he might be the one. I think he actually might be a doctor because no one would say they were a doctor unless they really were. Unless, maybe he’s a prince? What if he really is a prince? Maybe he just wants to throw people off from thinking he’s a prince by saying he’s a prince. No prince would really do that, so it makes sense. That just means he’s really smart. But I do have faith he will look exactly like I’ve imagined, but since he’s a doctor or a prince, his looks really aren’t that important. I have kind of worked out what it will be like. We will have an amazing first date followed by 12 months of the most romantic courtship, then six months of engagement bliss, then a wonderful wedding. At the wedding, our newly acquainted friends will ask each other, 'friend of the bride or groom?’ They'll respond, 'both' and laugh like it was an old-private joke. Our marriage will eventually end with me sitting vigil at his side on his deathbed, we will be holding hands as I watch the life slowly slip from his kind-blue eyes. His last words will be about how he wants me to carry-on and marry again. Everyone will cry after his passing, thinking of me, and how strong and brave I am being a new grieving widow.” You can find Jane Doe on Tinder as: NoStringsOneNightStand4Money 46
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America Will Never Be a Monarchy
Michael Schaffer, contributor
A king is just a guy who wears a funny hat and robe, insists you kiss his hand, and kneel before him because of his blood lineage – by those standards alone, my uncle would’ve been a king. If Lorde taught us anything about royals it was that we’ll never be royals, it’s not in our blood; however, you could appoint a lady to be your “Queen B” and she’ll rule, rule, rule, and rule – what a fantasy, indeed. Yet today rural America still practices inbreeding so that a family member won’t become a spinster. I mean, spinsters are all you see in the city and with our generation, if you really think about it. You know, women forging their own paths without a king of a castle to report to, and that’s pretty cool. I never found any of my cousins to be attractive anyway. Besides, we have nothing in common. But true monarchs don’t exist in America anymore, except Crown Royal and Burger King. The rest are dead. King of Pop, King of Rock, Jerry “The King” Lawler (oh wait, he’s still alive), King of Queens, King Crimson (are they still a band?), the list goes on. America will never have a political monarchy. Like, we’re not built for that. Even as some conservatives insisted throughout Barack Obama’s presidency that he would “try and become a king before his term is done.” Look at us now. And would we have been better for it? Probably, but again, America will never have a monarchy. It’s not in our blood, and it’s not like there was some war over the idea few centuries ago.
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Other People Named Adolf Hitler
Zack Newkirk, staff
It's mostly agreed-upon that fascist Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler was one of the worst people of all time. Since his ascendancy to world villain in the 1930s, "Adolf" as a baby name has understandably fallen out of favor. But there are outliers in every natural data set, and the name lives on with a handful of people around the globe. Here are some of their stories.
Adolf Hitler, 43, Chicago "Even as a black woman, I still get looks when I introduce myself or my name is called in waiting rooms. 'No relation,' I have to say. It sucks."
Adolf Hitler, 16, Mumbai "It wasn't my fault. My parents are the ones who named me. Somehow they didn't know who the original guy was. During the first 100 or so roll calls in class every year there are a lot of snickers, but eventually people get used to it."
Adolf Hitler, 31, Melbourne "I'm a police officer, and we wear a brown uniform, so I get some looks sometimes. 'I'm the good Adolf Hitler,' I tell folks. We have a laugh. Well, sometimes people don't laugh, actually. Plus, I have this little mustache, and my hair naturally parts this way. I dunno. I guess I have control over those things. I never really thought about it."
John Wayne Gacy, 62, Quebec City "I was born Adolf Hitler. My mom thought it was funny, like a joke or whatever. But it wasn't funny to me, so in the mid-70s I legally changed my name to this, which, you know, at the time I was like, 'This name is plain and safe. Pretty big change from Adolf Hitler.' Then the murder guy comes out in the news, and he killed like 30 boys... Judge wouldn't let me change my name again, so I'm stuck with this one." 50
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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH (The Three Villains of) The Hidden Fortress (1958) are two slapstick |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF|||
A water arm throws Merlin the king-making sword of power, King Arthur's father rapes Arthur's mother, and Merlin gets the begotten who accidentally pulls Excalibur (1981) out of the stone, setting in motion the tragic story of the Knights of the Round Table and the end of magic. Go fuck yourself, Disney.
A monster in a giant spaceship lands, and its laser gun army on horseback conquers and enslaves the planet Krull (1983) and kidnaps the princess. Her prince with his fancy 5-point boomerang must now fulfill some quests, find an army, and enter the surreal dungeon ship to liberate their world and his betrothed.
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war refugees (who inspired R2-D2 and C-3PO) and the legendary Toshiro Mifune, who guard a princess and scheme to smuggle her and a queen's ransom in gold out of a war zone. You can call Lucas© a fanboy.
After battling the king's crappiest creatures ever put to special effects, and wrestling a Goddess temple to "collapse, like my shattered dreams," it's ultimately a Goliath And The Dragon (1960) battle that titles this film.
Skeletor captures Castle Grayskull, so He-Man/Dolph Lundgren helps ruin Masters Of The Universe (1987) and what probably would have never been a good movie to begin with. Dolph's mullet and company are chased through a dimensional portal by Skeletor on his hover-throne-tank to 1980's America in this royal waste of time.
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Continued from previous page...
Russian Ark (2002) narrates us through the halls of the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg, Russia, in one continuous 97-minute shot, exploring a couple hundred years of their aristocracy with a roaming snotty European Marquis narrator who thinks Russians smell like formaldehyde. They chase Catherine the Great and attend the last Royal Ball with a cast of thousands. Amazing!
The Devil's Sword (1983) was made from a meteorite and imbued with magic and the Crocodile Queen wants it bad. She sends off her magical warriors to battle exploding mushroom trees, one-eyed monsters and our heroes while she hangs back and humps her man-servants to an awesome experimental synth soundtrack.
Outer space rays bring down four sexist astronauts to the manhating planet Venus and a confrontation with the Queen Of Outer Space (1958). Venusian scientist Zsa Zsa Gabor likes the astromen and helps keep the Earth from being destroyed by hiding them in a cavern full of gold, giant spiders, and sexy puns.
Wizards Of The Lost Kingdom (1985) go to battle after an evil wizard usurps the throne and kidnaps the princess. Her savior magician-paramour enlists the usual fellowship of a swordsman, a zombie army (of four that he sends back after they meander after him chanting "join us"), and a large, furry creature with useless arms. Their God is called Clyde.
Check out the Sci-Fi Night at the Arcata Theatre Lounge to see some more crazy Science fiction movies. 54
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After losing the American colonies to 'Merica!, Great Britain's leader succumbs to The Madness Of King George (1994) and changes his monarchical pompous life to strange erratic behaviors, including 4 a.m. prayer meetings. "God rot all royals."
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Luke The Royal Pig Luke
The Royal Pig
Ivan Garcia, contributor
The thought of one day becoming an accomplished novelist lingered in Luke’s mind day in and day out until he couldn’t take it anymore and bursted into a musical routine while out dancing the farmers to their own game of honky-tonk musical jamboree extravaganza with a pinch of lemon and corn bread extract.
Luke was a beautiful chubby Chester white pig. He was the color of the moon on a hot summer night with magical naked goblins and as pale as milk freshly squeezed out of a cow's udder.
Luke packed his bags and headed for the city hoping to become a successful 80's business woman to fund his first novel. Luke weighed in at about two public school children.
Chester white pigs are raised for their fat but Luke wanted to be more than just another bucket of lard at the supermarket waiting to be thrown into tamale doutgh and various other American Pillsbury fantasies. 56
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After Luke got cocky running for Mayor. He was put in the slammer for some time until his lawyer cleared his name and... bank account. After undoing his vasectomy and donating his blood and seamen to regain financial stability, Luke got started on his first novel. 57
Disingenuous Bloodline
Tommy Lucero, contributor
As the songstress Lorde taught us all, anything to do with the royals is as disingenuous as the emotions of the inbreeding that comprises the Monarchy's bloodline. To be part of the nobility is nothing more than the equivalent of being another self-entitled tween throwing a tantrum in the middle of Hot Topic. For years people have been obsessed with the majesty of those they were taught to think were somehow superior to them which, much like a blind date set up by your aunt, is both depressing and amusing at the same time. Thankfully, on this side of the pond, our royals get changed out every four or eight years for something slightly worse than the last. We can usually be assured of the level of our own disdain for the fellow man by how the patriarchy treats the masses. Even though our ancestors fled an overbearing government for the freedom to make their own choices only to have their descendants force their will upon others via Fox News and MTV. In this day and age of "Reality TV,” TMZ, and Scientology, we hold those in prominent positions of celebrity as royalty for some reason. In actuality they're just distracting us from the shattered bed pan of a country we've found ourselves in. The greatest of rulers of the mightiest of kingdoms have been nothing short of terminal misogynistic sociopathic narcissists with fancy headwear and thankfully, or more aptly traditionally, we've fallen right back into line with a tinge of the Annoying Orange for the next term or two. Freedom is a very loose term these days and is defined differently by different sects of society. One person’s meaning of the word can be in stark contrast to another's idea of "freedom" for religion, life choices, or just the right to have pineapple on a pizza, which, coincidentally, I'd fight someone in the street over, because it's delicious, much like actual freedom. However, to quote a band who I've found defines what it is to be free perfectly for me is this, "America stands for freedom, but if you think you're free, try walking into a deli and urinating on the cheese."
What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?
WARMTH
(BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE!) 58
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Lorde’s Follow-Up Hits
Chris Durant, staff
The award-winning 2013 hit “Royals” by Australian musician Lorde jumped out of the gate and to the top of the charts. Her new album is about to drop, and we got a quick shot of the back of the album, including the track listing. Take a look at this Savage Henry exclusive!
The hills are alive with the sound of Kaaaay-Slug!
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kslg.com © LCCI 2016
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Ben’s 10
ock LX X XI: The Royalty of R
Janis Joplin - Queen of Pubic Hair It wasn’t just Joplin’s pits that contained an abundance of hair. Too bad old Bobby McGee wasn’t an esthetician.
Ben Allen, music editor Keith Richards - The King of the Fountain Youth may not look it physically, but Ithe swear that wrinkled-up old geezer We He allhas know that Elvis Presley was king of rock, and Michael been a wild kid his entire life. And just wait, he’s never going to Jackson was theisself-proclaimed kinginofreverse pop, but what about die. Dude going to start aging like Benjamin Button. the other nobility in popular music? The following artists have
not received the royal titles they- deserve. .until now. Yoko Ono Queen .of Noise While not necessarily the most proficient or pleasant vocalist, Ono’s shrill screams could be labeled “impressionistic.” Her singing is not unlike a wild orangutan having an orgasm and letting the entire jungle know about it.
John Denver - King of Opiate Suppositories When singing “Rocky Mountain High,” Denver was loaded, alright. He was able to hit the falsetto notes as 30 methadone pills shoved up your bum really serves as an inspiration!
Precisely Engineered, Skillfully Crafted Ol’ Dirty Bastard - King of Food Stamps Well into his rap career, “Big Baby Jesus” was still collecting the means for his supplementary food income. Good for him, as there’s not a lot of money left over when you’ve spent 2.3 million on a set of grills.
Dave Mustaine King of Junkie Republicans When Megadeth’s frontman finally got sober, he also embraced Christianity and conservative values.
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Ozzy Osbourne - King of the Piss Fetish Oz once tried to one up the members of Motley Crue by drinking his own urine after Tommy Lee snorted a line of ants poolside. This level of enthusiasm for pee pee is only rivaled by R. Kelly’s and Donald Trump’s golden shower fetishes.
Ann Wilson - Queen of Fish Sticks The portly lead vocalist from heavy 80’s group Heart just loves fish sticks. . .made from Barracuda! For my money there is not an opening guitar riff in rock music more infectious than the one found in that song. 62
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Meatloaf - King of KFC’s Double Down While KFC was running their “special sandwich” containing two chicken breasts used as buns with bacon and cheese between, Mr. Loaf indulged in 4-5 a day. Already known for his weight issues, the consumption of the sandwich increased his bra size from C to DDD. James Brown - King of Drunk Driving The hardest working man in show business also worked hard at getting incredibly intoxicated on numerous substances, then getting behind the wheel. If you ever needed to learn to parallel park while on PCP, Brown was your man.
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r e t a w e v r e s con H T I W S T N E I R T U N & m e t s y s p i r ad
ALBUM REVIEWS
Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.
Brokeback - Illinois River Valley Blues Sam Wingspan, contributor On the new album Illinois River Valley Blues, Brokeback gives us a rollicking instrumental mood setter that would send anyone with even the most lackluster imagination into their own personal Western. The rhythm guitars, precise drumming, and the pluckiness of the the lead instrumentation convey a deft vivid tableau that one could just as easily apply to a walk in the woods as they could storming into an antiquated saloon to collect a bounty. The only shortcoming the album falls prey to is the buzzard of repetition that circles over the body of the recording, but that bird only rarely dips down for a bite. Enjoy the ride.
Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!
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Once & Future Band - Once & Future Band Adam Jacobs, contributor Once & Future Band surprises my ears with their self titled, debut album.
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There is some Beach Boys quality male vocal harmonizing going on with a dash of Pink Floyd. A healthy trail mix full of sounds nourishes my musical taste buds as these Bay Area rockers gently jam away. Nostalgia always has a place in music, and Once & Future Band basks in the reflective glory of prog rockers of the past. Obviously influenced by Genesis and King Crimson; Once & Future Band create intricate arrangements that are beautiful and yet sometimes overdone. The great synthesizers in “Standing in the Wake of Violence” are a stand out for me. Like a well-done steak, the over cooked compositions leave a bad taste in my mouth, but I’m still cleaning my plate.
Rating: 10 out of 12 Cans of PBR! Continued next page...
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HUMBOLDT GROWN SINCE 1987
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Monthly Confession
ALBUM REVIEWS
CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE
Flower Girl - Tuck In Your Tie-Dye Andrea Bartunek, contributor Tuck in your Tye Dye is the ultimate flashback to your youth. It reminds me of Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, who were a favorite of mine in high school. If Flower Girl were around when I was in high school I probably would have snuck from the suburbs of Yonkers into New York City to see them live. If I’m ever back home and they’re playing a show, I will be there. It’s simple, fun and super catchy with a pretty raw sound. It makes me want to listen to more of my old indie rock like Wolf Parade and Rubblebucket. Even before listening to the album I jumped on the nostalgia train because of the titles of their songs. “Let’s Build a Fort” for example. Seriously though, let’s build a fort. I like listening to them while stuck in a snowstorm, which I currently am. I should be building a fort.
Rating: 8 out of 12 cans of PBR!
I think the middle of the country is a bunch of morons now. Thanks a million, morons.
Big Wild - Invincible EP Samantha Gilweit, contributor I’m not going to lie, I think a lot of EDM is shit. It’s not a genre I immediately reach for, usually avoiding it with excuses like, “well, I left my furry suit and candy necklaces at home today.” But Big Wild’s EP Invincible, released through Odesza’s Future Family Collective, has me eating my candy necklaces like a chump. Invincible is Big Wild’s Jackson Snell’s first official collection of his work. The result is just, well, fucking really good. It’s funky, bassy electronica with hints of neo-soul. The latter genre’s influence is especially evident on the title track “Invincible” with iDA Hawk, a powerhouse of a singer whose deep vocals sink into your eardrum, soulfully spelunking for attention from your cold, dead heart. But it’s the playful, Electric Light Orchestra-esque layering of “I Just Wanna,” that had me listening to the track on repeat. Percussively, the snare just comes up and teasingly slaps you in the face, like “You wanna? You know you wanna.” And I do wanna. Expect big things from Big Wild.
Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!
Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com
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A Layman’s Guide to Whiskey
Alec Cole, contributor
This month I take a look back, and review the first whiskey I purchased legally. I was in San Francisco eating pizza to pass the time. When the clock struck midnight and I was officially 21, I made my way to the bar with the cliché swagger of most young Americans making this right of passage. After scanning the bar, I got my ID ready and ordered a pour of Michter’s Single-Barrel Straight Rye. I was served, and never got to show off my ID. The remainder of the night was filled with many more drinks, a few falls, and countless car rides spent serenading strangers with Otis Redding’s “Try A Little Tenderness.” Needless to say, I was not in the proper state of mind to give any whiskey involved the attention it deserved. This past Christmas, however, I decided to revisit the whiskey that christened my legal drinking years and have documented it this time around. Before we begin tasting, there are a few distinctions to be made about the nature of this whiskey. Firstly, according to their website, Michter’s traces it’s origins back to 1753 and allegedly was a favored spirit of George Washington. Second, “Single-Barrel” means that the whiskey in this bottle was all aged in the same cask, whereas most commercial whiskey is bottled as a mixture of whiskeys from different casks. Lastly, this is a rye whiskey, as opposed to a bourbon. The difference between rye whiskey and bourbon whiskey is simple. According to U.S. Law, rye whiskey is made with a minimum of 51% rye in the mash, while bourbon must be made from a blend that is at least 51% corn. This particular whiskey is further designated as a “Straight Rye,” implying that it has been aged for a minimum of 2 years in the same charred, new oak barrel. This whiskey averages around $45 per bottle, and $10-14 per pour. Michter’s Single-Barrel Straight Rye - 4/5 Neat—this rye has a peppery aroma that translates to chili flakes lingering on the tongue. One cube—with the drop in temperature, lemon juice is introduced and the sweetness of honey begins to develop. The final sip— after the ice melts, lemon juice turns to zest with the addition of tamarind and cucumber.
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GENTLE.
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Bud Time
Matt Redbeard & Evan Vest, contributors
Dookie Bros. Zkittlez (2016 Golden Tarp & Emerald Cup Winner) Hosts of the Bud Time Coughcast, which won the award for Best Two Person Weed Review Podcast by Comedians from Savage Henry Magazine, review this month’s selection… Zkittles! Evan: Zkittlez is one of the best tasting strains I've ever tried. The buds themselves smelled like a fresh bag of candy and were super dense. This is one of the few strains that really taste like the namesake. I would smoke it all day if I could, and it made me want to eat straight rainbows from the sky. 10 CHEECHES, 10 CHONGS
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New Weed Extracts
Chris Durant, staff
Holy cow! It’s impossible to keep up with all the new ways to ingest marijuana. Dabs, oils, shatter, wax, resin and rosin just name a few. Well being tapped into the forefront of marijuana’s newest round of THC and CBD pioneers, whether it’s by being on the list for Slightly Stupid at the Emerald Cup this year or being asked to judge 82 samples of Humboldt’s best in all forms at the Second Annual Humboldt County Cup - we’re connected now. And boy oh boy are they gonna hate this, but here is a leak at all the new ways being worked on to ingest marijuana. Reesin Made by having an elephant sit on a plant and then you scrape the pussey residue off the pachyderms armor like skin and smoke away. Doesn’t really get you high, but everything just makes a lot of sense. Razin Made by strapping specially made gloves lined with the finest buds to people at a comedy show and after the show, after all the constant clapping and “givin’ it up for” you’ll have a nice pancake batter-like concoction that will get you fucked up! Except you constantly make fun of people after smoking it. Roozin Made by buying vintage Roos shoes from the 80s, shoving buds into the zipper pockets on these shoes and going about your normal workout routine. After a few weeks, unzip and dip your nail right in. You talk with an Australian accent the whole time your high. Rysin Made by dumping yeast all over your buds and leaving them in a plastic bag over night. Next morning, puff away. Mild infections in really embarrassing places may pop up. Shit You eat a lot of weed and then drink coffee and chia kombucha and wait around for a while. When you take that cramp relieving shit, scoop it out and drop it right in your piece. 72
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A Royal Court Jester’s Daily Schedule 7:37 AM Awake by first light of the morn, and the first crow of the cock. Giggle to self about the whole cock thing for a little too long. Feel like a hack.
Open for the neighboring earlships jester, in your own kingdom no less. Hey, a gig is a gig. Suddenly realize you may be in to the whole cucumber thing. Learn a bit about yourself.
8:52 AM Spend an egregiously long time looking for ancillary doublet. Go through supply of puffy pantaloons. Find the puffiest.
2:10 PM Set runs too long. Beheading threatened. Suicide pondered. Realize that saying “You can’t fire me, I quit” has the same outcome. Have a carrot.
8:57 AM Put on pantaloons and various regalia to entertain the masses and the royal court. 9:30 AM Successfully having put on pantaloons, begin the day with a light breakfast of nothing, because nobody respects you. But hey, you don’t sleep outside anymore, so you have that going for you. Besides, being hungry always leads to more abstract thoughts, which is great for comedy. Set out to wander halls looking to amuse general passerby and courtiers.
10:11 PM Blow out candles. Accidentally spit wax onto the curtain, set curtain ablaze. Send for help. Can’t find the key again. Chambers begin burning. It all begins burning. You wonder what you’ve even done with your life. What it all meant. If it all means anything. If there was a way out the whole time that you just couldn’t see. How could you have? What was there to be done?
3:35 PM Wait. No. That was yesterday. You forgot your own birthday. So did everybody. Cry on the goat.
7:00 PM Perform for the King after the execution of the Archduke of Canterbury. Really lean into the material about petticoats, bodices, chicken dinners, and that one you do about the abolishment of the monarchy that always gives the king a good nervous laugh. Laugh nervously as well and pop a fear boner. Queen laughs.
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9:42 PM Read one of your favorite Shakespeare books.
3:35 PM Realize it’s your birthday.
10:43 AM Cry for help. Nobody comes. 47 pill bugs counted thus far. Amaze self with ability to count.
1:50 PM
8:32 PM By the glow of candlelight, masturbate into a turkey carcass while dining on boiled leeks and persimmons while crying about selling out the Archduke of Canterbury. Invent the phrase “Sobbing one out.”
9:42 PM Just kidding. Can’t read. Begin masturbating into the defiled turkey carcass again.
5:45 PM Spy on the queen peeing. Get caught by a handmaiden. Tell them that you’re the Archduke of Canterbury and you’ll go where you damn well please.
1:04 PM Manage to get the Archduke of Canterbury to laugh. He’s a tough sell, and the payoff was worth it, though the cucumber in your ass that got him to laugh may lead to a whole new set of problems.
8:00 PM Hunt for dinner through ye olde trash or wherever the fuck the good stuff is.
3:34 PM Just kidding. Pet a goat for a few hours and whisper things about your birthday to the goat.
9:32 AM Unable to open door to chambers. Look for key. Can’t find key. Look some more. Stare wistfully at the ground counting pill bugs. Cry for help. Nobody comes.
11:47 AM Realize that you’d been holding the key to your chambers the entire time! What a foolish jester you are, you realize. Ponder suicide.
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3:34 PM Do a series of plyometric exercises to increase blood flow and boost confidence.
Sam Wingspan, contributor
7:22 PM Juggle some cannonballs for the court. Drop a cannonball on foot and break three toes. The children are entertained. Remember that they’re the future and take it in stride. Lose fear boner.
7:32 AM Realize that you were dreaming about the room being on fire. Awake at the first light of the morn and the crow of the cock. Giggle. Feel like a hack.
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Savage Henry Horoscope
be rewarded.
Kellyanne Conway, contributor
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WIN A NISSAN
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Drawing at 6pm March 1ST Aries March 32 to Freedom 212
Libra Poop 11 to October 22
You will have great prosperity over the next four years.
Playboy just asked me to pose for their first new nude pictures in a few years!
Taurus Boop Beep 87 to May 20 As I’ve said before, Aries will have great great tribulation over the next four years Gemini May 21 to Jupiter and beyond It’s time to go make sure your nuclear shelter is prepared and stocked. Figuratively speaking of course. Cancer June 21 to July 22 You’re gross. Your cancer is a, well, cancer on this great nation. I bet you’re wanting health care or something too…. freeloading lazy flea bag! Leo July 23 to August 22 If I’m still on Sunday TV news shows by the time this summer rolls around it will be a Goddamn miracle. Virgo August 23 to September 22 So what if I chew my nails, how else do I get all the shit I’m constantly handling out rom under my fingernails? 78
Scorpio October 23 to November 21 For Halloween this year I’m going as one of the Bowling Green shooters…. so so SCARY!!!! Sagittarius November 22 to December 25 Our lord Jesus was born in your month in Connecticut 50 years ago. It sucked when the Mexicans and Syrian refugees crucified him in Central Park. And people are protesting Walls and Bans. Capricorn December 22 to January 19 I bet you’re as ecstatic as I am to celebrate the start of another year in our glorious leader’s never ending reign. Aquarius January 20 to February 18
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“No, you don’t suck up family.” - Chicago Park
“I love pig poop!” - Colfax
“Dinosaurs are thick boned, you FAT mother fucker.”
“I sexually identify as an attack helicopter.”
- Main Street, Grass Valley
“You’d put a dick in your body before you’d put hydrogenated oils in your body?”
- in front of the bars, Arcata
- Strawberry Valley “He wasn’t high on molly at the beginning of the date!” date on the plaza
“They’re sadder when they’re naked.” - North Auburn
- Ione
- Colfax
“You’re eating paper, and I’m slapping myself, we’re all good.”
I was naked by the Jacuzzi and the owner just kept hitting me with my dick out. - Nevada city hotel
“I want to stab you in the eye with a toothpick covered in resin.” - Chicago Park
- Forbestown “I loved the bigger, blacker dick!” - Colfax
“I gave your band the dopest of likes on Facebook.” - Backlighting motorcycle Café
- North Auburn “I just saw hot, Mr. Clean crack!”
“This doesn’t suck any less.”
“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t violate you without a smile.”
EavesDroppings - girl ghosting her
“I’m so close I could fart in your hair.”
- Grass Valley
- dude to dude at Bayside Garden Supply
- South Auburn “Do what you gotta do, just don’t sit down when you pee.”
“But you look like you have all your teeth.”
“Mormons are Christians on steroids.” - Penn Valley
“Pizza and Chicken again?! Who does a guy gotta fuck to get some Count Chocula around here?” - Homeless drunk-dude @ The Union Gospel Mission in Salem, Or
“I love when all the trimmigrants leave town, and I stare at my comforter and I wonder which country each giz stain came from.”
“You ever get a primal hunger, and the only thing that can satisfy it is Seitan?” - beef jerk debate, Savage Henry Office
- grower in Trinity at the bar
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Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine
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Ailment of the Month Habsburg Jaw; caused by continuous human inbreeding, a frequent practice amonst royalty. Did you know King Tut’s parents were brother and sister? Ew. Makes me grateful my parents were plain old white trash.
next month:
The Home & Garden Issue Homeless camp chic
Jeff Session’s favorite herbs suped up lawn mowers
10 minorities you don’t know in Napa Send your Contributions to: submit@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82
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