Issue #77 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Read this mag, or don't, whatever...

Issue #77

MAGAZINE

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com

NO BIG DEAL | Sarah Godlin NO NO IT’S FINE. | Chris Durant DONT LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN | Monica Durant

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR So you picked up a Savage Henry. Hooray for your alternative adulthood! This month our theme is a topic you must be familiar with, especially if you are from California. If you are in Denver you are probably also from California, so we are talking to you too.

SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle

If you just moved here from somewhere on the East Coast, maybe you are wondering where all the confrontation is. Oh, It’s there, it is just expressed in nuanced actions: A cold burrito, periods at the end of texts, shifts in body language. You have to be versed in the language to read it. We don’t take kindly to direct confrontation here and when it happens expect a friendly but cold relationship forever.

L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid

Man, I love California.

DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera

Ok, Read this magazine or don’t or whatever.

CONTRIBUTORS

-Sarah Godlin An Editor Savage Henry Magazine

Michel Sargent, Bruce Lynch, Tommy Lucero, Tiffany Greysen, Adam Jacobs, Cee Cee Hill, Seth Milstein, Maya Schubert, William Toblerone, Vanessa Mitchell, RJ Rueber, Sam Wingspan, Matt Redbeard, M. Bunny These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn

Hailee Durant - Chico

Shawn Sagen - Sacramento

OO T T TA

E H T

T N O M

Weeda Gauwain - Redding Zeke Herrera - Denver, CO Missyla Dee - Medford, OR

Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

www.savagehenrymagazine

g n i n r a w l a t n e r Pa Whatever bad and potentially dangerous parenting choices you are making, we are sure you’re trying your best. -SG

Table of Contents Letters to the Editors.......................................................9

This Shit is For Reels...................................................... 52

Things that are totally “Fine”.......................................11

Concise Book Review.....................................................57

Savage Henry 2016-2017 NFL Season Primer..... 13

What your roommate is really saying ....................... 59

Ask Dutch........................................................................... 17

Misplaced Maturity......................................................... 61

Dealing with Your Roommates.................................... 19

Ben’s 10..............................................................................63

10 Signs Your Dad Hates You......................................21

Album Reviews.................................................................65

What’s the Deal with White People...........................23 What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?.......................23

Robots I Have Drawn in the Sand Paired with Grocery Outlet Wine................................ 69

Heckling How-Tos............................................................25

Restaurant Review.......................................................... 71

Passive Aggressive Payback.......................................27

What kind of table setting are you?.......................... 73

Cliff-Hanker Episode 12: Toked After Snark...........29

We Will Never Call it the Devil’s Lettuce Again..... 75

Celebrities who have names that sound like they should be a Star Wars character......................31

Adam Jacobs’ Doob Tube..............................................77

Case Studies Show That Saying “Just Kidding” Greatly Reduces the Awareness that You’re an Asshole ..............................................................................33

Passive Aggressive Utterances................................. 78 EavesDroppings...............................................................81

If Ray Had a Penis.............................................................37 Catty Mean Girl.................................................................38 Nuno’s Adventures in Vegas........................................39 Old Growth Redbeard.....................................................43 Savage Henry’s Passive Aggressive Driving Tips.47 Ooooh, Saucey!................................................................. 49 The Easiest Ways to Avoid Contact in Hell............. 51 6

www.savagehenrymagazine

Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

Thanks folks! Ran across an issue in Denver -- it’s quite a hoot! (I’m old -- I say hoot.) I hope you can achieve wider distribution here -- there’s certainly nothing else like it in the region. Good luck! Brad Weismann Ed: Thanks Brad! Feel free to hoot away.

Dear My Future Friends, My name is Helga, and i am the current DUM DUM Champ of Mother Russia's Northern territory. I have a newly acquired Passport, with a current photo placed in it. I am coming for a visit to your place called Recreational Marijuana USA that we here in our village say, has no harsh bitterness of a Russian winter, like my homeland, and chronic weed. So that is good?? Therefore, please meet my plane when we arrive at your Portland PDX. Me, and a few friends that were my friends back home, 5 fellow villagers to be exact so please bring a van with windows so they can enjoy the view along the way to your American Oregon Marijuana Dispensary Destination.

attitudes, Send your comments, to editor@ e els r props or whateve e.com zin ga ma savagehenry stcard Or the address on the po All . too rk below will wo me. perspectives are welco

I was scrolling through Facebook and ran across a Savage Henry article and had the ipifiney to look you guys up on the internet as I am a big fan of the magazine. You guys do great work. Thanks for all the smiles. Ron J.

Palindrome of the Month

Please buy plenty of DUM DUM's as I am always in training. I currently hold 23 DUM DUM in my mouth and can hold for 10 seconds. Will show you when I get there. I am our Champ! Looking forward to the visit. Please get the right plane information so we don't get stranded at PDX and then have to SHUTTLE to you, my future friends. Also, do you offer any discounts for out of the area tourists, as we may be strapped for cash and low on Rubles. Your Future Client, Friend, and DUM DUM Champ, Currently Undefeated. GO GREEN, HELGA Ed: Um… OK?

www.savagehenrymagazine

Was it a bat I saw? -SG 9

Things that are totally “Fine”

Sarah Godlin, staff

Your baby screaming in Japhy’s. When you brought your baby to this party even though it was an adult party and now this party is about your baby. When you named your baby the name I told you I was going to name my future baby. That your baby is throwing food and making baby sounds in this 4-star restaurant at 8pm on my anniversary. When all you talk about is your baby on girls’ night out. When my mother sends you a $200 gift certificate for your baby shower but I got a rolling pin for my birthday.

Notice this Fence!

Photo by Dutch Savage 10

www.savagehenrymagazine

Savage Henry 2016-2017 NFL Season Primer

Zack Newkirk, staff

As this publication's resident sportswriter, it is my annual responsibility to mine the depths of my extensive football knowledge and insight to prepare you, dear reader, for the impending NFL campaign. Here's what to look for in the upcoming season:

The Rams are back in Los Angeles where they belong! Look for their quarterback -- I forget his name -- to really put together a good season and throw the football to his receivers, and sometimes to other guys, all in an attempt to score the points.

The New Orleans Saints have a secret weapon this year -- their kicker! He’s an unknown by the name of Ricky Burrito, and evidently he can kick the ball through the uprights from 250 yards out! Looks like Dru Breeze can take it easy this time around, huh?

Who’s that fella tossing the ol’ pigskin to the New England wideouts? I don’t know! It’s definitely not famous hunk Tom Bradie, who was suspended for the first four games of the season for abducting and murdering two hikers in the Ozarks, I’ll tell you that much.

The team in Oakland might become the team in the City of Sin itself, you guessed it, Los Vages! Uh oh, don’t tell the boss of the NFL, Barack Obamma, that Veges is kinda a mafia town that is known for gambling on the down low! Also, Los Veges is going to be really hot for the football men, because it is in the middle of a desert.

The Cleveland Bangels are looking for a big season from their new signal-caller, one Mr. Robert G3, who was last seen riding the pine for the Washington Team with the Racist Name. Rumor has it G3 is planning on throwing one thousand touchdowns and winning the Cy Young this year!

Word is that Houston, near Texas, will host the Supper Bowl at the end of the season, but I still hold out hope that the NFL will pull the old switcheroo and surprise us all with the news that the big game will actually take place in Rwanda, so as to bring much-needed tourism to the maligned state.

www.savagehenrymagazine

So you think this month’s theme is dumb? Passive Aggressive right? No problem...no no no, I’m sure you’re right. I’m sure you can write something way funnier. So go ahead, write something here and we’ll toooooootally print it.

WARNING: The GreenBroz Dry Trim Machine

will save you time and money. Please be prepared. Side effects may include cash exploding out of your pocket, a sense of euphoria before trim season even begins, outbursts of laughter and joy, excess free time, a desire to go on vacation, complete relaxation, an urge to dance and listen to reggae...

GENTLE.

Process any strain without damage to your product

QUICK.

Cleans up in 5 to 10 minutes. Fast processing time

QUIET.

Commercial and Standard Trimmers available. Call to schedule a demo or rent one today!

Quieter than the average conversation.

707.672.5255 • 774 9th St. Arcata CA Mail to 791 8th St. Suite N, Arcata, CA 95521 or send a pic of the page to editor@savagehenrymagazine.com 14

www.savagehenrymagazine

Ask Dutch

Dutch Savage, staff

The following questions are all real and from real people, they’re just not real good. I didn’t make this shit up -- well, I did make up the answers,so never mind what I said. All of these inquiries were posted on the “Ask Dutch” Facebook page in 2013 and 2014, and I finally decided to get around to them. How’s that for passive? Dear Dutch, How do I ask a girl out on a first date? – DA Dear Shaggy D.A., Say "Hey, I'm friends with Dutch Savage, you want to go out?" – Dutch Dear Dutch, Hi. Do you think OJ did it? – J.S.

Dear Dutch, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then we have found the perfect location for a Nickleback concert?" – FTD Dear FTD Pick Me Up, Only if the tree falls directly onto Nickelback. – Dutch

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Dear Dutch, Which is Zeno's favorite paradox? – Sargent

He has two kids. So, yeah probably. – Dutch

Dear Sargent York,

Dear Dutch, How do you get from Pasadena to Anaheim? The 210 to the 57, or the 110 to the 5? Thanks. – Judd Dear Ashley or Winona, Make someone else drive! You’re welcome. – Dutch Dear Dutch, When God created the mighty cheebs, did he create both indica and sativa, or did one evolve from the other? Sincerely, Bozman Dear Bozman, God is not real. If you really smoked that shit, you would know that! – Dutch Dear Dutch, Who's Harry Crumb? – EW Dear Ewww, It belongs to the dog now! – Dutch Dear Dutch, Do you have any good stock tips? – Duke Dear John Wayne, Make sure she doesn't see you! – Dutch Dear Dutch, What do you call a bunch of soda pop ordered over the internet? – MS Dear Multiple Sclerosis, Microsoft drinks. – Dutch

– Dutch Dear Dutch, Is chivalry dead? – AV Dear AV Club, It's not alive. – Dutch Dear Dutch, How do people justify the existence of a loving God in a world with so much suffering?– MD Dear Trapper John, The Problem of Evil is an age old philosophical mindfuck for whomever chooses to believe in such dribble. If God wanted us to go to church, he would have made himself real. Talk about suffering, go to church! – Dutch

Have a question for Dutch? Go to www.facebook.com/AskDutch and ask away.

Responses Might Be Guaranteed! 16

www.savagehenrymagazine

Tips for Dealing with Your Passive Aggressive Roommates

Maya Schubert, contributor

Let’s face it, roommates suck. They leave dishes in the sink, play their music too loud, and move in their “open sexual partners” without telling you. Eventually you’ll end up having to store your special occasion organic raw cherry chocolates that cost you $15 in your room, rather than the fridge where it’s supposed to be, because some dreadlocked guy named “Tree Fern” your roommate is dating ate it all. To top it off, most of the time they have poor communication skills since they never quite learned how to live on their own; at 30. With these skills lacking, you are bound to have a few run-ins where they are unable to express themselves and it turns into three months of slamming doors and cabinets. To avoid this, here are some tips for when your roommate becomes passive aggressive:

Open the Lines of Communication

It might hard to say, “Hey, I think it would be beneficial to have open discussion about issues I’ve noticed that have arisen recently in the house. I’m sorry you’re mad that I came home shitfaced drunk last night and ruined your REM sleep, but slamming your blender down and making a smoothie at 5:30AM might not be the best solution to our problems,” but it’s necessary to keep communication open. This might be the time to curb your own feeling about the time she threw the toga party and ruined all the plates by yelling “OPA!” and smashing them on the floor. No need to add fire to the flame even though half those plates were from your grandma and irreplaceable. You don’t want them to feel attacked when these first steps of progress are being made.

Keep Organized

To keep a household running smoothly it’s necessary to be organized. Making a chore chart or house calendar can help to avoid problems in the future and hold accountable the person who was assigned to that task or chore. More than half of the population are visual learners so keeping a chart like this in a common area, like on the fridge, will help to enforce a system even if you tell them 100 times that patchouli doesn’t cover up the smell of stinky socks and the sweaty blouses of someone who refuses to wear any kind of deodorant. Don’t be afraid to revert back to elementary school and relearn “The Clean Up Song” from Barney.

Be Honest

Sometimes honestly really is the best policy. Sit your roommate down and tell them, “This isn’t working and I think we need to work on our relationship.” Let them know that the way they chew with their mouth open makes you want to rip your own eyeballs out, and hearing her and “Tree Fern” have sex to Evanescence's “Bring Me To Life” makes your ears bleed. At the least these problems will be out in the open and you can work from there. It may take awhile, but every step counts.

www.savagehenrymagazine

10 Signs Your Dad Hates You In A Passive Aggressive Way

Cornell Reid, staff

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish).

Bee Friendly™

Bee, Bird, Bat and Butterfly FriendlyTM

PREMIUM SEASONAL AMENDMENTS

He gave money to Aids research specifically to try and figure out a way to get you Aids.

Your birthday cake.

He indirectly resists your demands and the demands of others. Also you think he took a shit in your bed? I mean he says he didn’t do it but he was the only one home when it happened and it smelled like your dad’s brand. Every morning he insists on cooking you his “world famous rat poison scramble”. He keeps sending you ISIS pamphlets. He routinely lights your bedroom on fire. He named you Diarrhea Head. He says you should write for Savage Henry.

PLAN “B” ORGANICS® line of Guanos, Mycorrhizal + Micro-nutrients and Soil Blends are an excellent seasonal addition to your growing regimen. Try our HoneypotTM Extractor Bag; it makes tea brewing easy.

Lay the proper foundation to get the most from this years crop!

(707) 834-1127 20

info@planborganics.com

(360) 751-4897

www.savagehenrymagazine

What’s the Deal with White People

by Vanessa Mitchell, special guest contributor

transcribed by Zack Newkirk, staff Ugh, white people. It's like, check your privilege? I went to that zero-emissions coffee place with Claire to get a chai? And it was just like, white people everywhere? This town is like, gentrified now. I mean, I guess it was always white people? But now it's just, like, even more white people? I had to go to the DMV to register the Range Rover my dad gave me? And this guy in front of me, he's complaining that his tags haven't come in yet? It's like, really, dude? White cis-male privilege. Like, they came over here with Columbus, they raped and murdered all the indigenous? And it's like, what have you done for me lately? Like, if you think about it? Hitler was white. You know? And, like, Reagan was white. Trump is white. Like, think about all the white cis-men who are evil? George Bush, Mel Gibson, Bill Cosby, all the popes, Jared from Subway? Uh, maybe you've heard of them, you know? The Visa Black card my dad gave me? Like, they said it was maxed out, so I called them? And of course the white guy on the line is like, "You reached your credit limit this month?" And I'm like, ugh, check your privilege, ok? Patriarchal misogynist white cisgender Bill Cosby alt-right privilege anglo trust fund baby white man. It's like, maybe get woke? Like, my life matters too?

What’s In the Crackpipe This Month? These things are dank. And I hate the word dank. -SG

INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED CHOCOLATE FILLED CRÊ CRÊPES 22

www.savagehenrymagazine

Heckling How-Tos

Bruce Lynch, contributor

The heckler is the unsung hero of passive-aggression. Some people may think that literally shouting insults at people falls on the aggressive side of the spectrum, but the more passive-aggressive the heckle the harder it is for the performer to retaliate. Here are some ideas that you can try out the next time you go to a local comedy show. If you’re not sure where to find one, a lot of Savage Henry contributors do stand-up. Follow one of them around and wait for an opportunity to practice your heckling. (Get it? The article is passive-aggressive toward the other contributors. That’s the theme this month. Right? Okay whatever, here we go) Start out small by yawning during a joke. Very subtle. Ease into it. If you need to sneeze, that works, too. Vomiting during a joke is a little less passive-aggressive, but still acceptable. Take your phone out and send some texts. Make sure to hold your phone up so all the people around you see that you’re using frowny-face emojis. Get up and walk around. Maybe go to the bathroom. Maybe start a round of duck duck goose. Whatever feels right. Stand up and announce “I’m glad that’s finally over.” It doesn’t really matter when you do this -- the middle of the comedian’s set is fine. Clink a fork against a wine glass like you’re a best man about to give a speech. If you know in advance that this particular comedy club doesn’t provide forks and wine glasses, bring some from home. Tell the comic that you’re going to dress up like a fat stupid asshole for Halloween this year, then ask where you can get an outfit like his. Finally, the masterstroke of heckling: “I HOPE YOU GET CANCER IN YOUR DICK!” This one actually works pretty well at funerals, too. If the person died of dick cancer, make sure to add “AGAIN” to the end. 24

www.savagehenrymagazine

Lou Heckler 25

Passive Aggressive Payback

All New Cannabis Grows Must Be On Prime Ag Soil

PRIME AG SOIL D E S I G N AT I O N I N C R E A S E S P R O P E R T Y VA L U E G E T YO U R S O I L S M A P P E D T O D AY

Adam Jacobs, contributor

I'm a huge pussy and so are you, but that doesn't mean we can't get revenge in our own sweet way. This is the ultimate guide to passive aggressive payback. •

Does your husband or boyfriend always leave the toilet seat up after using the restroom? Easy payback: take his pillow into the bathroom, draw a realistic toilet on the pillow case, then shoot yourself in the face with a large caliber handgun... I bet he doesn't leave the seat up anymore!

•

Anybody else tired of their pesky butcher always tricking you by wrapping the fresh ground beef around that 3-day old beef and you don't realize until you get home and make meatloaf for your family? Paybacks a bitch, dude. Next time you go to the butcher, take a picture of the butcher, then go home and print it out. Take the printed picture of the butcher and place it on your driveway, then poop on the picture. There u go... Revenge.

•

Who doesn't hate being cut off in traffic? Next time this happens to you, get some instant revenge. The second some asshole cuts you off, you must act quickly: roll down your window, stick out your arm, then drive directly off a cliff. This driver will be crushed by guilt that they caused your untimely demise. Boy, did we teach them a lesson.

•

Nothing gets me madder than when a waiter gets my order wrong. I clearly asked for no mayo but this sandwich obviously has mayonnaise on it. What do you do now? I'll tell ya. I always keep a large Lego in my pocket for this occasion. You may like a rusty piece of metal; whatever makes you happy. Take this sharp object and swallow it. Hopefully it gets lodged in your throat and you start to choke. Make sure you write a note that says, "I said no mayo," so when they finds your lifeless body, the waiter will know for sure that they are to blame. Talk about bang-bang revenge, baby.

•

I think we can all agree that talking during a movie is the worst kind of rude. Next time your movie is interrupted, here is how to get revenge: Quietly stand up as if you were going to the restroom, but really you are positioning yourself behind the loud moviegoers. Now the tricky part -- stick your finger down your throat until you begin to vomit violently, making sure you get all the puke into your popcorn tub. Finally, loudly eat your vomit; those rude people won't be disturbing the movie anymore.

707-633-8885 D B S A N A LY T I C S . C O M

Obviously, being passive aggressive is super lame and maybe you should toughen up and punch someone in the nards like an adult. Don't shy away from conflict instead resorting to violence and name-calling like a true American.

www.savagehenrymagazine

Cliff-Hanker Episode 12: Toked After Snark Seth Milstein, contributor Money doesn’t look as good when it’s covered in bile. The gentleman who he’d been dealing with had identified himself as Agent Smithee and brought Hank some water. Hank scrambled for an explanation of why he just threw up a down payment on a house. He stammered something about sleep eating when Smithee pointed out that his level of drug trafficking was pretty low on their list of priorities as they were searching for a man who’s goal is to poison the water supply in an effort to turn entire cities into mindless work drones. Hank felt a little embarrassed. After some water, Hank began to inquire about the technology that just saved his life. It was quickly pointed out to him that even if the agent were at liberty to discuss the intricacies of the technology that was clearly more advanced than anything that was available to general consumers, the majority of that discussion would most likely be lost of a guy who dropped out of high school to follow his ambition which was mainly just to stay in good weed. That hurt Hanks feelings but it was the blatant reality of the situation so he accepted it and tried to move on while internally reevaluating all of his ambitions.

www.savagehenrymagazine

Hank shifted his inquiries to practical applications. What could it do? He was told simply to keep it on him at all times and that he should answer it if it rang. They released him back to his hotel room with his new phone and a cashier’s check for the $80,000 he regurgitated earlier. Everything in his room was as he left it. He packed up his stuff and headed back to his apartment to essentially be bait for a secretive government agency who basically kidnapped him, gave him a forcefield, and made him feel like shit about himself. Hank almost instantly got bored of waiting. He rolled a joint and lit in out of habit. Halfway through it he realized that he needed to be sharp and had just dulled his edge. Hank did a few rails of coke to counteract the weed. Then, too hyped up and paranoid, he took some pills to calm down… Within an hour, Hank had ingested small to average portions of almost every illicit substance that he had in his possession, which was almost every known illicit substance, and passed out…

Celebrities who have names that sound like they Dutch Savage, staff should be a Star Wars character • 12 ROTATING TAPS • BEER COCKTAILS • FULL BAR • DAILY SPECIALS • HOUSE INFUSED LIQUORS • OUTDOOR SEATING • HUMBOLDT MADE ARTISAN DISHES

1300 CENTRAL AVE MCKINLEYVILLE • 839-7580 • SIXRIVERSBREWERY.COM

The Star Wars universe is constantly expanding like Han Solo's belt. New characters are being introduced with each new installment, featuring funny names to go along with their unique look and personalities. The following is a partial list of real celebrities who have names that could easily be confused with that of a member of the infinite Star Wars saga.

Stevie Wonder

Dar Dar Williams

C-3PO Thomas Howell

Charo

Sith Myers

R. Crumb 2 D2

Whoopi Goldberg

Yo Yoda Ma

Bob Fett

Frances Bean Cobain

BB King-8

Ren Stimpy

Luther Vandross

Martin Landau Calrissian

Carrie Fisher

Bono

Django “Fett” Reinhardt

Chewbacca

Darth Brooks

Benji the Hunted

www.savagehenrymagazine

Case Studies Show That Saying “Just Kidding” Greatly Reduces the Awareness Tiffany Greysen, contributor that You’re an Asshole Communication is hard. Deciphering cryptic, hidden messages buried deep in a sentence riddled with passive aggressive words is not only confusing, it can lead to misunderstandings and a breakdown of trust between relationships. Recognizing that you’re being passive aggressive is the first step in fixing it. By learning to adjust a few key words and phrases you will see you can effectively learn how to soften a hard conversation without additional conflict. Here are some examples of how to change a passive-aggressive statement into an aggressive- passive statement.

When you’re late for a meeting

Passive-aggressive: “Sorry I’m late but somebody (looks at Bill) parked in my parking spot.” Aggressive-passive: “I’m not sorry I’m late, I hate this meeting, but Bill’s fault for parking in my parking spot. Just kidding.” In the example above you’ll notice by adding “just kidding” at the end, it softens the directness of the statement. People love humor so it will be their queue to laugh and they won’t really even remember what you said about Bill, but the seed has been planted.

When you want to have dinner with your partner

Passive-Aggressive: "Do you think tonight that you might be home in time for dinner?” Aggressive-Passive: “I’m making tacos so what time will be you be done fucking Jill in Accounting? Just kidding."

When he finds you surprise painting his den for future use as a nursery

Passive-Aggressive: “Don’t you think this paint color makes the room more neutral, so if you ever decided to move your office to the basement, this room could be used for other reasons?” Aggressive-Passive: “I’m going to get so pregnant and put a baby in this room and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just kidding.”

When stopped by the police

Passive-Aggressive: “No, I don’t know why you pulled me over, but I’m sure a warning is definitely in order.” (run your hands over your boobs and squeeze) Aggressive-Passive: “You probably pulled me over for speeding, but I’m a white woman so I’m 73% sure you're not going to shoot me. Just kidding.” Again, saying “just kidding” softens the directness of the statement.

www.savagehenrymagazine

MONTHLY AWESOME VIDEO VIA QR CODE

breakfast on me,

huh?

Northtown Arcata

1603 G street (707) 633-6187

B R E A K F A ST : LU N C H : B E E R : O R G A N I C F O O D & D R I N K

If you haven’t seen this yet; What is wrong with you!? -SG

www.savagehenrymagazine

If Ray Had a Penis

Ray Flynn, staff

(continued from last issue... and Ray is a lady.) I always thought it would be fun to slap some things. Like a friend who passed out with their shoes on.

Dick slap to the face! Sitting at my computer desk, I would slap the desk a few times. I’m sure that would make a fun sound. Taking a bath, I would have to slap the top of the water.

HAVE TO. Some times I tike to twerk on my cat. Just bouce my ass off of his head. I think if I had a penis . . . never mind. Maybe I should keep that one to myself.

Photo by Dutch Savage

To be continued . . .

www.savagehenrymagazine

Nuno’s Adventures in Vegas born in humboldt

open 7 days a week!

HARVEST HEADQUARTERS & GLASS GALLERY

Sasquash Rosin Press

Triminator

Rotary Evaporators

Come check out our fantastic items and prices!!! Or don’t. Whatever. No skin off our backs.

Weston Bags & Sealers Wet & Dry Trimmers Closed Loop Extractors • nButane Isobutane • Cold Traps Rotary Evaporators • C02 Extractors Vac Ovens • Recovery and Vac pumps Rosin Presses • Rosin Bags Bubble Bags • Dry Ice Heady and Scientific Glass Grandevo (Bioinsecticide Pest Killer) Enails • Festy Gear • Vape pens And More!

Trim Scene Solutions | 1911 Barnett Court #6, Redway, CA 95560 707.923.9319 • Mon-Fri: 9-5 • Sat-Sun: 10-4 • trimscene.com

Continued next page...

www.savagehenrymagazine

Continued from previous page...

www.savagehenrymagazine

Old Growth Redbeard

Chris Durant, staff

The Matt Redbeard Savage Henry Interview Humboldt County- based comedian Matt Redbeard doesn't just smoke weed all day. He also tells jokes and his laughter is so infectious that he has been hired by other comedians to sit their shows. We recently say down with him at the prestigious Redbeard Ranch to talk about comedy and travel.

SH: How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years, which is like 21 dog years. I started in improv, which I've been doing on and off for about five years, which is 35 dog years. So yeah, I've been doing comedy since the ‘40s, really.

What made you want to jump in? I've always been a d.i.y. kinda dude. I played music for a long time and I've been filming stuff since I was like 2. I've always tried to immerse myself in all the scenes, ‘cause it's fun and it was super boring growing up in Humboldt, so we've always had to entertain ourselves and each other. But honestly, small town ego fucking sucks so I would kind of drop out and do my own thing. I had an encounter with some comic outside a show and they were so insanely rapid with their bullshit that I said, "I don't know how you do that," and one of them said, "You'll figure it out," and I had the realization that this can be a scene that is an actual supportive community. If I ever asked a bass player how he did some wacky thing on bass he would tell me to go fuck myself, but here's a person that doesn't live here, doesn't know me, and would have zero reason to say anything to me who gave me a solid answer. I became instantly hooked on doing this.

Do you like the St. Louis Cardinals? Cause my autocorrect keeps wanting to change your name to Redbird. First off I'm not Catholic, second my dad was from St. Louis and he was a Cowboys fan. I enjoy a good tweety bird.

What's your spirit animal? Traditionally it's a bear. I got one tatted on the back of my hand and the word tattooed on my knuckles right underneath. My dear friend and fellow #CurvyBoy Zeke Herrera did once inform me that my spirit animal is a 15-year-old girl because of my love of Katy Perry and other great musicians.

Indica or Sativa? Photoby Dutch Savage 42

www.savagehenrymagazine

All of the above. Continued next page... 43

MATT REDBEARD, continued from previous page...

Tell me more about this comedy tour you did in India that you refer to in your set. I was playing with my ouija board one night and my homie Gandhi got at me and said, "Matt Redbeard, my country has it all but we have no sense of humor and we need your help." I was all like, "Yo Ghandi, I got this, bruh." And he was all like, "Tight.” And I packed my bags and went to India. Then like an hour after I got there Ghandi was all like, "Oh btw India is also plagued with the antagonist from the 1987 Gov. Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura vehicle Predator, so watch out, buddy.”

Which comedians have you worked with that you've learned the most from? As far as how to road grind, Sam Tallent and David Gborie. They are the best at what they do. Bang Bang Sylvan Gang all the way. All of those guys have taught me so much about just being a comedian in general. They are the funniest most professional group of humans in any field. Same goes for the Comedy Garage crew and the Fine Gents. They are the funniest always. And my fellow enemy of Babylon, Junkyard Adam Jacobs. He watched me bomb once and gave me the pep talk of the century and I follow his words with me everytime I go on stage.

What was it like playing a raging racist on comedycentral.com? Super easy. I just had to take my picture and text it to the dude. The funny part of the whole thing was I had a really business like conversation on the phone with one of the producer guys while standing in the middle of a massive weed patch. It was a proud moment for all of us.

Tell us how you and a few other comedians (Andrew Holmgren and Ivan Mueting) killed Scott Weiland. Kyle Kinane was in town and we all had beers at the Alibi after the show and someone put the same Stone Temple Pilots song over and over again on the jukebox and we all sang our hearts out way better than Scott Weiland ever could and he must have heard about it cause drugs killed him the next morning.

What's next? Who knows? We're killing a couple cows next week, so I'm going to be eating a bunch of beef. I'm going to continue to grind as hard as humanly possible and represent Humboldt to the fullest. I have a new front tooth being crafted as we speak. I'm working on some projects with my Super Bong Bro and neighbor Dr. Foxmeat, so be on the lookout for Recliner of Arcanum soon. 44

www.savagehenrymagazine

Savage Henry’s Passive Aggressive Driving Tips

Josh Argyle, staff

Are you an angry person? Do people infuriate you? Are you too afraid of what people will think to be actually aggressive? Don’t worry, there is a way of being a complete and utter asshole without dealing with the consequences. A way that will leave people saying, “I think you’re an asshole but I’m not 100% sure.” After talking to a litany of people, most named Dylan, Skylar, and Kelsey, we have compiled some helpful hints to guide you down the road of passive aggression. 1. Don’t use turn signals. EVER. Are you going right or left? Who cares? Why tell other drivers where you are going? Why not let them guess? And if they rear-end you it’s their fault. Now you’re starting to drive like a real asshole 2. Leave notes, LEAVE NOTES EVERYWHERE! Did that family of four park 19 inches away from the curb? Put a sticky note on the windshield that says, “It’s 18 inches… please” and put a smiley face on it. Nothing says you’re a dick like putting a smiley face on an angry note. What about that guy who parked in the handicapped space without handicapped plates? You could wait outside and talk to them like a person, or you could just let it go. Nah, that’s not what a real asshole would do, especially not a passive aggressive one. Make a crude drawing of them in a wheelchair with the phrase “wish it were you” under it. 3. Passing: Leave just enough room to make someone think they can pass. Are they going to pass? Of course not. Remember, you’re an asshole. Your job is to give someone hope and then take it away just as quickly. So as they speed up you speed up and as they slow down you slow down. This is the dance of the passive aggressive asshole. 4. Really annoying contradictory bumper stickers: Why not get a coexist sticker? Got it? Good! Now refuse to coexist with anyone on the road. Be the most uncourteous ass you can be. You have a coexist bumper sticker! Now crank up NPR and merge without signaling. Let Terry Gross take the wheel.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

There is a secret grower message board where trimmers who complain, point out problems, think they are hot shit and highgrade B buds are named, described and blackballed. 46

www.savagehenrymagazine

Ooooh, Saucey!

Chris Durant, staff

Looks like your old Post-It message loving roommate finally found work in the corporate world.

You like this sauce? Pssshhh, you would.

I Guess You Don’t Like Your Butthole

Might as well put ketchup on your burrito.

Mild h uh? O.K.. ..

No shit it’s not Cholula, you Cho Loser.

That your on ly shirt without a mustard stain ?

www.savagehenrymagazine

’t you be Why can usin? co like your iablo D He puts os. c on his ta

e dad You’r that ’t wasn s he? a bad w

Does it help the diarrhea come out faster, or...

The Easiest Ways to Avoid Contact in Hell

Cornell Reid, staff

EMERGENCY BAGEL SUPPLY

Let’s face it, we’re going to hell. You thought maybe you’d skate by because you gave some homeless chick you thought was hot a roach from your car’s ashtray a ride, but that’s really not gonna save you. We’re all falling down that dark hot hole deep far far down into the burning fire known as hell. So great, you’re in hell. It’s not ideal but hey, death is what you make it. You can spend the rest of eternity being sad and feeling bad for yourself, or you can do what I’m gonna do….HACK HELL!

BREAK SEAL IN CASE OF HUNGER

That’s right baby, this is a hell hack article. The people in hell are going to demand a lot of your time because they’re all assholes, not to mention demons and most of all the freaking DEVILS are assholes too. All these guys want to do is corner you and talk your ear off about their problems and what you did to them, how you ran over their cat or pissed on their cat or how you got their cat high and made out with their cat while you watched the whole first season of Will & Grace on Netflix. Either way they’re gonna want to confront you but come on, we don’t have time for that. We’re in hell, baby! I already got enough conflict in here, and I’m trying to avoid it ALL! That’s why these handy tips will help you slip by without having to have so many annoying conversations. 1) Pray really hard or something so that you go to heaven all the sudden In the movies they always have someone go to hell for a while but they end up in heaven. How do they do it? I don’t know, I don’t watch those movies because they’re boring and they don’t usually have enough boinking going on to sustain my interest for two hours. My best guess is they start praying like “oh God, I’m really sorry about being such a bad boy, I want to be good, honest! I want to hang with the nerds and talk about how I’ve never jacked off.” Then presto, you’re in heaven! (NOTE: Make sure you’re praying to God, not Satan) 2) Be Annoying If you’re annoying enough, no one is going to want to talk to you. Just only talk about Sublime for the rest of eternity. Talk about how you don’t practice santeria and how you don’t have a crystal ball. Bring up the smoke 2 joints song Sure you might have to endure some conversations at the beginning (especially with Bradley Nowell) but about 3 weeks in people will get what you’ve got... loving (Sublime.) 3) Find the Biggest Strongest Demon and Beat Him Up I don’t know, this sounded like a good idea at first, but now I’m thinking the biggest strongest demon in Hell is probably Satan? Well I guess it still applies, if you can beat the shit out of Satan then hell will probably be a pretty smooth ride after that. I mean you’ll get the bonus of getting to dish out all the punishment instead of taking it. That sounds fun! Hey Regis Philbin, here’s another long hot thing going in a place that’s not so comfortable! Plus you probably get to hang with Prince and that’s cool.

Well that’s it. Good luck to all you sinners and see you in hell. Please come by and let me know if you’ve read my article. I always love meeting my fans, even if it’s while burning in an eternal fire. 50

www.savagehenrymagazine

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH A suitcase-packing skill (and cleavage) sends a beauty pageant winner to |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF|||

Gaslight (1944) coined the term for the psychotic jewel thief husband manipulating his wife to believe she's sick and insane trope.

state finals in this humorous behind-the-scenes fictionalized spectacle of prettiness, talent, and charm contests. For seven days the young ladies battle for the crown with pranks, passive-aggressive officials manipulate the outcome, and homoerotic food parties leave a Smile (1975) on your face.

Three Heathers (1988) and a "how very" Winona Ryder play mean tricks on the underprivileged until Christian Slater's annoying Jack Nicholson impression attempts to change more than just the attitudes of the popular circle. "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw." A doctor tries to put her patient's multiple personality pieces back together, revealing the psychological torture committed against Sybil (1976) in her extreme Christian upbringing of guilt trips, physical violence, and enemas with singing. Based on a real depressed person.

Whatever...

Arcata’s Premiere Movie Venue. Featuring Full Restaraunt & Bar. Concerts . Comedy The Best of the Worst in Sci Fi and B Movies Arcatatheatre.com

From passive Milton to aggressive stomping of a malfunctioning printer, Office Space (1999) has all the behaviors, though the boss wins the passive-aggressive award in this Mike Judge reel.

for frequent updates. 52

www.savagehenrymagazine

Continued next page... 53

Continued from previous page...

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Alfred tells the story of a widowed farmer who, with his maid’s help, hopes to initiate “a sex challenge" from a list of local ladies he assumes will "come like lamb to the slaughter.” I assumed the jealous maid would play dirty tricks to become The Farmer's Wife (1928), but instead she just sat back and watched him make a fool of himself in this overlong Hitchcockian waste of time.

Baby Jane is a popular vaudeville performer and spoiled brat. Blanche is her infuriated sister. Forty years later the very successful actress Joan Crawford (Blanche) is supposedly crippled by Bette Davis (Jane) in a freak automobile accident so Jane psycho-terrorizes wheelchair bound Blanche while trying to revive her creepy Freudian vaudeville act. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? (1962).

BIGFOOT EQUIPMENT & REPAIRS

This classic film noir from the POV of Mildred Pierce (1945) is played to perfection by Joan Crawford. Mildred seems to be a murderer as we unravel this mystery with flashbacks of her snobby daughter playing passiveaggressive tricks on single mom, who goes to length to please the impossible girl. In pops lazy faux-rich new husband who also covets the daughter.

Joan Crawford is the psychological torturer in the campy Mommie Dearest (1981), played to perfection by Faye Dunaway and based on a book by Crawford's "very own" purchased daughter. Evidently Crawford went from playing mean passive-aggressive tricks on her two adopted kids, Christina and Christopher, to the infamous wire hanger scene. The Screaming Skull (1958) is so scary the production company promised screen goers burial services to anyone who dies watching it. A newlywedded widower and bride take up on the dead wife’s estate with the mentally-disturbed gardener who’s obsessed with the deceased wife. A human skull shows up and psychologically tortures the new wife, and either the gardener and/or the husband are doing it. Or are they? So scary. |THE|END|

Get your shit fixed at Bigfoot Equipment, we’ll probably get it right.

Willow Creek (707) 834-6887 (530) 629-4067 54

www.savagehenrymagazine

Concise Book Review

Sarah Godlin, staff

Fuuuuckiiiing Loooooooong. But good. 4 out of 5 stars

www.savagehenrymagazine

What your roommate is really saying with those stupid notes corndogs "Thank you for eating all the g I bought. It's ok, I love eatin ay." yw an toothpaste for dinner We're out of toothpaste.

Matt Redbeard, staff

"You used all the hot water, I had to take a cold shower." Thank you for planning your day better than me.

"You left pee in the sink."

"The dishes aren't going to do themselves."

Thank you for not wasting water buddy. I love you.

The dishes will do themselves.

"I'm so happy you've let your brother and his dog sleep on the couch rent free." Why don't you give him my room?

"The neighbor said your dog keeps eating his homework." I've been eating the neighbor's homework.

"I don’t buy milk so you can drink it." I have enough money to buy milk.

"Your boyfriend is a dick." I've been banging your boyfriend.

"Could you please have quieter sex?"

"There's windex in tahe house for a reason."

Could you fuck louder so I can cum?

I'm going to kill myself.

"Rent's due."

"Could you play your music any louder?"

I got this one bro, don't worry.

I love Enya. "Disc three of season 4 of Modern Family is missing." Your father and I are getting a divorce.

"Found your house keys left in the door again." You had way more fun than me last night.

"I wish you would die." I'm so alone.

www.savagehenrymagazine

Misplaced Maturity

Tommy Lucero, contributor

Passive aggressive would, in my book, be another phrase for love. So many times have we as consenting adults tended to say the opposite of what we mean, as is the case whenever one person asks the other where they want to eat. Most folks when they start any relationship like to test the waters with this Jedi Mind Trick of sorts to see just how far one could push the other’s level of tolerance for childlike immaturity, and also to see if they will be a suitable companion for the long haul filled with family guilt trips, inconsistencies, and half-truths concerning whether one might mow a lawn or not spend beyond the credit limit on the other’s Target credit card. Thankfully this behavior will live on for years to come, since we as a people need to make sure we have continuity in our culture beyond the belief of the existence of giant rabbits hiding tie-dyed eggs or a mythical obese man that can fit down chimneys with a giant bag of toys made through slave labor. One of my favorite symptoms of passive aggressive behavior is the misplacement of important items. Quite frankly without the misplacement of important items I literally would not be here today. Thanks, Dad. However, we've all been there, and whether it's in an office setting and you didn't bring your paperwork to a meeting or it was the unfortunate "accidental" misplacement of your wallet before you took your grandma to dinner, but thankfully KFC takes EBT so good 'ol Gam-Gam has it covered . Why do something now when you can put it off until someone else does it out of frustration or possibly some misplaced sense of responsibility? When you're having any kind of textversation regarding such things the exchange can become quite heated, but when you are face-to-face it's so much harder to tell your mom that you don't want to clean your room and that rent will be late. I unfortunately have never had much success with such things; pouting, for example, lost its charm at the same time my face started to grow hair. Saying that makes me really miss being an eight-year-old Ewoklike Hispanic child. It doesn't have as much charm when you look like you belong on the planet of Endor or to a lesser extent possibly assembling running shoes somewhere in a Third World country. Pouting is something that only has a high success rate among millennials, politicians, and stroke victims. I realize, though, that a lot of things wouldn't get done without such behaviors in our society. Of course all those things aren't getting done by the people that are supposed to do it, but thankfully they're getting done by people who actually have a passion to accomplish something that was supposed to be done days ago. Then again, you can't lead a horse to water and you can't expect people to do their jobs, which is why I so seldom go to Walmart. 60

www.savagehenrymagazine

Ben’s 10

Volume LXVIII:

Translated Passive Aggressive Song Titles Ben Allen, music editor

The Beatles - “Let It Be” Translation: “Get the Fuck Away From Me Paul, the Band is Over!” Billy Joel - “Just The Way You Are” Translation: “You May Be Butt Ugly, But I Will Look Past That and Stay With You” The White Stripes - “You’re Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl)” Translation: “I’m Gay” Fleetwood Mac - “Go Your Own Way” Translation: “Leave Me Alone Asshole, I’m Getting a Restraining Order!” Carly Simon - “You’re So Vain” Translation: “Just Fuck Off and Die. Please” Michael Jackson - ”Ben” Translation: “I Have An Unnatural Sexual Relationship With My Pet Rat” Tom Petty - “American Girl” Translation: “I Hate Immigrants” Nirvana - “Come As You Are” Translation: “It’s Alright To Ejaculate While Wearing That Old Coat” Bruce Springsteen - “I’m On Fire” Translation: “This Gonorrhea is a Bitch!” Led Zeppelin - “Whole Lotta Love” Translation: “I’m Going to Perform Bizarre Sex Acts on You 62

www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Oozing Wound - Whatever Forever Adam Jacobs, contributor Oozing Wound’s newest release Whatever Forever should be renamed Loose Stool or Audio Ex Lax ‘cause it rocks the shit right outta your butt. Heavy punk metal with a “fuck your dad” type of energy, Oozing Wound are completely mental. Rock these dudes out if you hate your neighbors or need to meth it out for a week or two. Intricate guitars mixed with scream core vocals and some hard ass drumming equal a little poopoo in my underroos. This isn’t my normal cup of tea but fuck it, tea is for losers, I’m a coffee guy and Oozing Wound drinks coffee out of pee holes on stage (I imagine).

Rating: 8 out of 12 cans of PBR! ( just

for helping with my constipation)

Lindstrøm - Windings EP Sam Wingspan, contributor Once upon a time I dated an opera singer. Her classical favorites included the greats like Verdi and Puccini. Yet, whenever we got in her car, as if by clockwork, some uptempo pop song by Mika or Ratatat would be on queue; incongruous against her preferential taste. Such is this rollicking Scandanavian synth disco EP from Lindstrøm. Yes, we all have our finer tastes that we'll pull out of our respective sleeves to impress our snobbier friends, but occasionally, we just need to dance. On this three track EP, Lindstrøm provides us with an irresistibly danceable ecstatic love child of Chromeo's bass lines with Passion Pit's zest for synth hooks accented by a soupsant of Zapp and Roger and even some 80's balladeering power chords. Switch off your brain, tune in, and turn on. It's worth it. You may even need it.

Taste the Difference!

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page... 64

www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

The Melvins - Basses Loaded Cee Cee Hill, contributor The Melvins have been around since 1983 and haven’t decided yet who will play bass with them. For their new album, Basses Loaded they have 6 different bassists. Just for fun! No wonder they couldn’t decide because they are all great. You have Krist Novoselic (Nirvana), Steve McDonald (Redd Kross), Jeff Pinkus (Butthole Surfers), Trevor Dunn (Mr. Bungle/Fantomas), Jared Warren (Big Business) and Dale Crover. After more than 30 years, The Melvins are still rocking out. There is a mix of styles on this record. Some songs are as heavy and stoney as always. But there is also a George Harrison cover, traditional songs “Shave Cream” (a good excuse to say s**** very often) and a jazzy song, “Planet Destructo” where Trevor Dunn shows off his proficiency on the bass. The Melvins are still making great music. Listen to this!

Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

AJJ - The Bible 2 RJ Rueber, contributor Is it a true sequel to God’s #1 best seller? No, it’s simply AJJ (Formerly known as Andrew Jackson Jihad), and it kicks ass nonetheless. AJJ, fresh off a name change and insults from dick-wad fans, punches the hater’s teeth in with some loud, raw, and thought-provoking tunes. In typical AJJ style, the lyrics will give you a chuckle and still hit you right in the heart. Believe it or not, all the outrageous verses about violence and being a dick to inanimate objects are metaphors for real things that even you can relate too. This album feels extra familiar, especially in the slow piano ballad “No More Shame, No More Dread.” Musically, the album rocks. The guitar solos are trippy and mind-fucking, and Mark Glick’s cello makes a more bold and bad-ass appearance than in their previous records, tying the music together and helping to create something truly unique. Overall, The Bible 2 kicks major ass, and whoever says otherwise can go to hell.

Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

www.savagehenrymagazine

Robots I Have Drawn in the Sand Paired with Grocery Outlet Wine

High Quality Ciders from Humboldt County

William Toblerone, contributor

Blowbot

Tasting Room and Production Facility

“The Red Building” At Redwood Acres

Tasting Room & Production Facility

3750 Harris Street, Eureka CA “The Red Building” at Redwood Acres

Poodlebot LX7000 This robot has been specially programmed to replicate the unlimited helpfulness of an actual poodle, but he’s better than a real poodle because he stays sober. Paired with 2015 Alderwood Creek Chenin Blanc.

HolyRoller 8.0 He features the most sophisticated database on the market, but he always defaults to the code of “the good book.” Specializes in spreading the message that dead people go to a shiny paradise in the sky or a total bummer of an eternal oven. Pairs with 2014 Alvaro Cristobal Pays d’Oc.

Humboldt’s Only Hard Cider Company

Insta

3750 Harris St, Eureka CA 95503

The burrito shop your momma warned you about. Come for the food stay for the abuse.

You can count on this model to breeze through all of the steps necessary to create a beaker full of pure quality cocaine. Matched with 2012 Nero D’Avola Terre Siciliane.

Eduardo Bidet Hands (Lux Edition) This robot is always willing and ready to dispense a cool stream of water used for washing one's genital and anal areas. Combined with 2015 Seacrest Vineyards Chardonnay.

We put the mmmmmmm in masochism.

Monday-Friday 9am-10pm Saturday-Sunday 10am-10pm (707)822-8433 1642 1/2 G st. Arcata, CA 68

Woebot Beat up, glitchy, and altogether sad and useless. Joined by 2013 Weila Reserve Gewürztraminer. www.savagehenrymagazine

The I-Got-Your-WineRight-Here Offendbot This is easily the least popular robot of the bunch. Dispenses wine to partygoers with a repulsive gesture. Factory-equipped with 2013 Gracenote Pinot Noir.

The Nobot Stupid sneaker wave. 69

r e t a w e v r e s con H T I W S T N E I R T U N & m e t s y s p i r ad

Restaur ant Review A Kinda Review on Mall Chinese Food Sarah Godlin, staff I woke up one morning and discovered that I was the guardian (“please stand over there”) of two tween girls. When I had gone to bed the night before, I was the parent of two adorable girl kids but a comet passed over our house at night and left me with two eye-rolling, opinion-having, hair-brushing extraterrestrials who totally cared what they wore to school. In alien monotone voices that somehow still dripped with attitude they said, “Take me to your leader, I mean, the Mall. Yes. Take us to the mall.” What else could I do? I complied upon fear of a disruptor phaser hole disrupting/phasing the torso of my body. My biggest fear had come true, and now we were off to face my second biggest fear...The Mall. I had spent so much adult lifetime avoiding the mall and all of its mallishness. I was pro-small business and anti-corpor--oh, that is tiring, trying to put my consumer values on paper without sounding like a prick. Let’s just say I wasn’t a fan on sale at Bed Bath & Beyond. I was a fan on clearance at the thrift store, or carefully-savedup-for and purchased from a local small retailer.

talk with our on staff drip expert

I tried, though, to think of my opinions from before my references were irrelevant and confusing to young people. Back when I dressed like Daria and ran around in a skate gang like the movie Kids. What did I want to do then? Where did I want to be then? The motherflubbing mall. The only place a small town valley kid could get a Beastie Boys shirt was the motherflubbing mall. At Sam Goody’s. And I was there with my crew of Mormon buddies staging fake fights, flipping through CDs, which were a new thing, and waiting for our moms to pick us up. Well, it’s a new world now and there is no way I’m dropping my tween off at the mall with her buddies, so I guess I have to go too. Maybe they have a Beastie Boys shirt in size old.

Open 9am - 6pm, Seven Days a Week 822-9888 76 South G. St., Arcata (Across from the Marsh)

HUMBOLDT GROWN SINCE 1987

Off we went. Did you know there is a Walmart in there? I ran into a person I knew. Should I be embarrassed? Were they embarrassed? I was overthinking this mall thing. What was that smell? FOOD. Because I am exploring my new role as a pushover, apparently, we went with the taller alien’s suggestion of Chinese Gourmet Express, which was slightly better than just OK. Certainly better than than barftastic and not as good as amazing. Or great. Or good. Plus the older teen behind the counter winked at me. I looked to make sure he wasn’t winking at my taller tween, because I haven’t murdered anyone in a while. Nope. He was winking at the old lady with the wallet. “This kid is going places,” I thought, as I stuffed money into his tip jar. Thus concludes the review portion of this thinly veiled personal experience masked as a review. Share your good, bad, strange or Hooray! The Mall! Turns out TJ Maxx is right up my alley. As painful as that interesting reviews. Picture = extra revelation is to me, my incredibly cheap sports bra takes all that pain away. credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 Tweens got their school clothes, I got a yoga mat that I will not use for 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 yoga and we all got a bellyfull of slightly better than OK Chinese food. or godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 2&1/2 out of 5 stars www.savagehenrymagazine

What kind of table setting are you?

Sarah Godlin, staff

Clue or Chutes & Ladders Clue

Chutes & Ladders

Arnold Palmer or Shirley Temple

Arnold Palmer

Shirley Temple

Double flip off or Casual nose pick flip off

Doubles all the way

Two Girls or One Cup

Two Girls

MP3 or Vinyl

One Cup

MP3

TV in your kitchen too or Screw TV, I am so super cool TV in the Kitchen!

You are Overly American Mom Table Setting. Sorry. Colin Kaepernick will never come to dinner at your house.

Screw TV!

You are “Jesus is real and we are going to celebrate, God Damnit!” Table Setting. Russell Wilson is on his way over for dinner.

www.savagehenrymagazine

Super casz...

Vinyl

Oil or Rubbing alcohol

Oil

You are Yuppy Fabulous Table Setting. Looks fantastic but everything served is made out of kale.

Rubbing Alcohol

You are “Mom has oodles of time now that the dog passed on” Table Setting. Lucky you! Your accomplishments will be the centerpiece!

Next Issue is our most popular issue of the year, the Harvest Issue. Here’s a prebonus Harvest Issue piece from one of our new contributors...please enjoy.

We Will Never Call it the Devil’s Lettuce Again

M. Bunny, contributor

Atheist stoners and, conservative cannabis fearing Christians alike will be disappointed after delving into this, where the wonders of natural science collide with the supernatural Holy Spirit. This sacred knowledge of how cannabis oil played a significant part in lives of “Major Players” throughout the Holy Bible's scripture may lead you from the dispensary to Jesus in your heart. Cannabis is mentioned throughout the Bible, from the start until the end. Now, let’s get into this "Ganja Gospel." In the beginning God made plants for us to enjoy. He was pleased with that, while we enjoyed them! Onto Exodus, and, the accounts of Moses. Moses was God's right hand man, before Jesus graced the Earth. Moses spoke to a "burning bush" and, heard the voice of God from the bush! God provided Moses with the recipe for Anointing Oil and contained (kaneh-bosm) “Cannabis Oil!” Moses "blessed" hella Hebrews around the land with that magical blend of healing herbs and spices. He then wrote the Ten Commandments as Ordered by God and guess what, not one commandment about not using cannabis! In my opinion, if someone were to be an avid cannabis user and cultivated their own crop, they would have more success obeying the commandments. Just like Moses, Jesus came to anoint the people of Earth as directed by God. The Bible says that Jesus performed miracles and healed some people. A few of the healings done by J.C. included: healing leprosy, bringing eyesight to the blind, exercising "daemons" from the possessed, even bringing life back to the dead. Today's scientific research has proven the benefits of cannabis oil, that it does in fact heal skin diseases, eye issues and, also can alleviate the symptoms of epilepsy, which could have appeared to be daemon possession to the ignorant folks back in the Bible days. The healing powers of Cannabis oil have also been proven to bring life back into the potentially "dead" when considering cancer patients and those living with HIV or AIDS who display zero symptoms when using cannabis oil. Jesus wanted a separate church and state, maybe for a logical reason? He probably didn’t want the precious oil to be regulated by “the man.” Government will always push Big Pharma but, God wants us to have Ganja! So go on brothers and sisters, have some hash oil, hallelujah Jesus! Love, A Devout Canna-Christian 74

www.savagehenrymagazine

Adam Jacobs’ Doob Tube

Adam Jacobs, contributor

What's better than getting high on top-notch buds and watching some primo television? Not much bro, so here is my guide to pairing weed with entertainment. Headband: One of my favorite strains, this hybrid is a cross between OG Kush and Sour Diesel. If smoking this doesn't make you feel like you are wearing a hat when in actuality you aren't, then smoke more. Watch The D Train starring Jack Black on Netflix when high on Headband, this disturbing comedy needs a mind fuck of a strain cause once you see this movie, there are things you can't unsee. Highlights include Jack Black doing cocaine, which is hilarious cause you know fat guys can die any moment and I was waiting, boy was I waiting. Blaze this confusing hybrid and watch this oddly entertaining movie with one alarming scene that will make you think you are wearing a weird-ass hat.

Skywalker: A hard-ass indica heavy hybrid that will lay you out after a long day of dealing with those dark side dicks at your office needs to be paired with something high energy. The perfect match for Skywalker is watching the new trailer for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story backed by “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys. Holy shit, this has me jacked up. Being stoned to the bone on Skywalker while watching this trailer gives me a bone of my own in my boxer briefs. Sabotage blends perfectly with the trailer to bring a heart-pounding glimpse into the Star Wars world. Check out the trailer on YouTube; make sure it's the one with Sabotage for full erect effect. Super Silver Haze: A true champion of strains, this sativa blend is a three-way fuck fest between Skunk, Northern Lights, and obviously, Haze. I recommend rolling a fat joint of SSH and watching the entire 4th season of The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim. Eric is the craziest dude I know and this sativa mindfucker is the perfect high for this insane show. Highlights include the "ranch it up" dude and co-host Hannibal Buress' ridiculous outfit changes. You will be happy that you smoked such a spacey strain while this lunatic is on screen. Too much of an indica might make you cut your balls off, which can really ruin a night, let me tell you. New episodes air Fridays but new brain cells are not coming, so good luck, you dingus. Enjoy responsibly, gang, and by that I mean order the pizza before you get high; it's all about timing. Jah Bless and stress less. 76

www.savagehenrymagazine

Passive Aggressive Utterances

be rewarded.

Sarah Godlin, staff

Visit the Players Club for complete rules and details.

WIN 1 OF 5 GUN SAFES. GET THE CODE TO SAFE #5 AND WIN A BONUS PRIZE!

EARN ENTRIES NOW – OCT. 4 TH

OCTOBER 8

BEAR RIVER RECREATION CENTER • AGES 18+

DOORS: 7PM | FIGHTS: 8PM

TICKETS ON SALE NOW!

VIP PASS $65 PREMIUM $45 GENERAL $35 Brought to you by

AVAILABLE AT THE HOTEL FRONT DESK OR ONLINE AT BEARRIVERCASINO.COM

9.9 THE HOT RODS ............................. 50’s and 60’s Oldies 9.10 THE HOT RODS ............................. 50’s and 60’s Oldies

DRAWINGS: OCT. 4 » 6PM–8PM TH

ER N N I W 5

Actual model may vary from photo. Receive one entry for every 1,000 points earned or every 2 hours of rated table games play per promotional day.

FEATURING

THE ORIGINAL WAILERS & SPECIAL GUESTS

9.16 COLD BLUE WATER............................ Blues/Rock/Jazz 9.17 707 BAND .......................... Rock/Hard Rock/Pop Rock

9.17 MERV GEORGE ..............Classic Hits/Soul Bear River Recreation Center 9.23 THE UNDERCOVERS......................Classic Rock/Top 40 9.24 NIGHTHAWK ....................................... Pop/Rock/Dance 9.30 MOJO ROCKERS .......................................... Blues/Rock FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS | 9PM - 1AM FEATURED LIVE MUSIC OR DJ EVERY THURSDAY | 8PM KARAOKE

HAPPY HOUR | 5PM - 7PM 7 DAYS A WEEK!

OCTOBER 22

BEAR RIVER RECREATION CENTER

TICKETS ON SALE NOW AGES 18+

Visit the Players Club for complete rules and details.

800.761.2327 bearrivercasino.com 78

11 Bear Paws Way Loleta, CA 95551

Promotions with rated table games play are based on minimum $10 bet. Must be 21 years or older, or accompanied by an adult, to enter casino. Management reserves all rights. Visit Casino Services for full details.

www.savagehenrymagazine

Man 1 ”You don’t have a pussy and tits.”

Cop: “You slap men in the face for oral sex? Drunk guy: “Hit me with your night stick, it will give me a hard on.” - Arcata Plaza Local: “Hey man, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you, how ya been?” Plazoid: “Plaza sucks now man, between the cops and Pokemon Go.” - Arcata Plaza

“I wouldn’t touch you with her vagina. Well that’s ok cuz she wouldn’t either.” - The Forks “Dude, I don’t need water, there’s not even alcohol in that.” - California Avenue

Man 2 - “How do you know you have never seen me naked.” Arcata

“You’re like the Colombo of second-life horse porn.” - San Jose comedy show “i have a strong stomach, its just my anus that’s weak.’

“You would think they would let me enter through the back door, I mean it is a gay bar.” - alley behind Toby n jacks “Every time I hear Fuck You I think o f you.” - Arcata

- Unknown “I did eat a bag of salami out needs lube of Bhakti’s pants one time.” “Who “... and I’m a smart when you got bitch, but I was afraid - Shane- the Plaza e.” pizza greas of being judged for not - The Forks Lounge being feminist enough.”

EavesDroppings

“You can never suck too many dicks!” - Ernies “You’re gonna love my cousin, she’s just like you, curses like a sailor and is a dirty whore.”

- The Alibi, Arcata “I’ve slung semen Lady 1- “Your nails look really nice.” all up and down “I don’t have the cherry but I - Unknown the west coast. Lady 2- “It’s all the fucking still have the box it came in.” I tell you what.” “well, youda made birth control I take.” - The boardwalk, Nevada City - Ernie’s in Eureka a nice lampshade’ - Willow Creek - older bar patron “My boobs look big right now.” “If I stuck this bottle up my ass “This is what blowjobs talking to a lady and shook really hard would “It’s from the corndog fat.” are made of.” at the bar beer come out of my nose?” - dabbed out girls in Blue Lake - Dude checking out a - Arcata Liquors “I’m not talking about dank sack. Nevada City your strap-ons or whips “I would like to see someone with dreads fly and chains. I’m talking through the air. Because that usually means “My kid got straight A’s in high school about real weapons!” something bad has happened to them.” and got into college in Missouri...... hope they don’t teach him to be - grandson to grandpa - Redwood Curtain sunbather some liberal or something” at the Alibi “I went to the bath “My girlfriend tried to stick a - dive bar in Kansas room and was offered molly hanger up my ass this morning.” ” “What did you sa “If you can’t get it up, why - Willow Creek y? ” ”.. would I pull the skin back?” “No!” st septum piercing “i remember my fir - Toni’s #1 “Get back in ther t rectum” e and get it!!!” “i said septum no - Alibli, Arcata - NCA

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

Se ed n d 79 ito yo 1 r ur 8t @sa C h v on St age tr re he ibu et nr ti , y o Su m a g n s Ar i ca te azi to: ne ta .c , n om CA 95 52 1

Ailment of the Month

Nothing, I’m fine. -SG

next month:

The harvest Issue

82 www.savagehenrymagazine 83