Issue #71 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Just say no……hahahahahahaha Last laugh, lady

Issue #71

MAGAZINE

We’ve

Savage Henry Independent Times

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791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we do that facebook thing too.

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CONTRIBUTORS

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR Welcome to the Narcotics Issue Drugs make your brain happy for a sec and sometimes they make carpet move like spaghetti. I live in fear that my children will like them so much that they move to a hotel in Eureka to be near them. Drugs can be a useful tool. For instance, if you can’t handle the pressure of being a child actor. Or if you are too fat and your skin is too clear and your teeth are too existing. Or if your house is too housey and not cardboard boxey enough. Or if it’s New Year’s eve and you aren’t having fun yet and you are 22. Or if you would like to steal things from your family members but have too much self respect. Drugs will solve these problems. Cool, OK, welcome. Don’t do too many drugs, Stay away from the hard stuff, and If you don’t want to do them but you are doing them anyway, get yourself some help. 1800-662-4357. -Sarah Godlin Editor

Michel Sargent, Adam Jacobs, Tiffany Greysen, C.B. Kelly, William Toblerone, Tommy Lucero, Sam Greenspan, Seth Milstein, Scott M., Spencer DeVine, Mike Spiegelman, Scott Bowser, Dev Richards, Cee Cee Hill, Matt Redbeard, Derek Luna, Keith D, James Stephen, Brian Brooks, Huey Lewis, Gage Hensley These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville Zeke Herrera - Denver

Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com www.savagehenrymagazine

I am in place called Winco that I came to of my own free will. Now I can’t trust myself anymore. @bloglin

g n i n r a w l a t n e r Pa We always say “especially this one,” but furrealz. Don’t let your young kids read the mag….especially this one. - SG

Table of Narcotics Letters to the Editors............................................................9

Krokodil You Like To Party..................................................60

How To Eat.............................................................................. 13

Less is Morrissey.................................................................. 61

Too Legitimized to Abandon............................................. 15

Ben’s 10...................................................................................63

If an alien had to deduce what holidays were............. 17

Catty Mean Girl.....................................................................64

I Want A New Drug................................................................ 19

Album Reviews......................................................................65

#NewNames with @CornellReid.....................................21

Six Beers Deep...................................................................... 69

Dear Drugs, ............................................................................23

Narcotica and Other Things That Affect Your Poo... 71

Financial Advice Column....................................................25

45-year-old Mother of 3 Guide to Drugs...................... 73

Cliff-Hanker............................................................................27

Downer piece.........................................................................75

Narcan Is A Buzzkill..............................................................29

I’ll Kill You.................................................................................75

A Love Letter to the Meth Community.........................31

Savage Henry Horoscope.................................................. 78

Reefview Madness..............................................................33

EavesDroppings....................................................................81

Epic Frederic Chopin Tracks Made Us Say OMG........37 The Brothers Brothers Band’s Oscar Preview............39 Did I Take Too Much Acid or Not Enough....................... 41 Oh God Please Like Her......................................................43 Remember the ‘90s?........................................................... 47 Dealing with The Devil’s Dandruff.................................. 49 Drugs Best Friend................................................................. 51 This Shit is for Reels............................................................ 52 Cooking with Narcotics......................................................57 Book Review........................................................................... 59 6

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Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

I caught your podcast of 2/25, where you folks said you liked to play Star Wars: Battlefront. Nothing wrong with that, but it got my curiosity up. Has anyone on your podcast played Mario Kart 8, Super Mario Maker, or Splatoon? While I’m at it, have you guys ever played video games while stoned? — Don Lewis From an editor - Hold the motherfuckin’ phone? Video Games? Stoned? Consider my mind blown Don! Holy shit! Does anyone else know if this phenomenon? This could change the way people sit around their house and do absolutely nothing all day forever! Thanks, Don, and most of all, thanks for listening to the podcast. There’s one, folks. I told you that people listened. Want to listen? Savage Henry Magazine Radio Program on iTunes. Free.

Send your comments, attitudes, props or r@ whatever else to edito om e.c savagehenrymagazin stcard Or the address on the po All below will work too. me. perspectives are welco

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How To Eat

Zack Newkirk, staff

If you’re new to this whole eating thing, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how to keep from making a fool of yourself when you’re dining: ONLY EAT THE FOOD This tip gets by some people -- especially women. If you are eating the silverware or the other diners, you are doing it wrong. Look for the things like bread and green vegetables. Those are the things you should be eating. CHEW WITH YOUR TEETH You put the food in your mouth, and then you move your mandibles up and down or side to side and crush the food into a digestible paste. If you don't have teeth, you're doing it wrong. FORKS CAUSE CANCER -- USE YOUR HANDS Don't pick up that spoon, neither. It will give you AIDS, maybe. Just take the bowl of soup and slurp from it. If there is meat on your plate, pick it up with your fingers and put the meat in your mouth. Sustenance is key. Give yourself sustenance so you can play disc golf later.

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BUSH DID 9/11 There is ample evidence that George W. Bush and a team of over 2,000 secretive white helpers did the attacks on September 11, 2001. None of them has leaked the secret yet, but I suspect they did it. EAT YOUR DESSERT FIRST If you don't do this, you'll have to "make room" for dessert, which involves throwing up your dinner in the toilet. "Making room" isn't necessary, though -- just order that dessert now, and later ask for some calamari rings or duck or whatever. That way you get the sugar and fats your body needs to play disc golf later. PLAY DISC GOLF LATER The only way to burn off the significant calories you gained from your meal of cake and duck is to hit the course in the woods and toss the ol' small frisbee around. Make sure you try to hit the thing you're aiming for, and remember: "Keep eating."

Too Legitimized to Abandon

William Toblerone, contributor

Congratulations on purchasing your new GoodCitizen™ Legal Intoxication Kit! You've chosen the nation's only fully legal method of acquiring genuine Schedule II pharmaceutical narcotics without a prescription. Please check the contents of your package thoroughly to ensure that it contains the following items: 1 Cardigan Welsh Corgi™ puppy 1 business card for John Mellencamp’s agent 1 non-refundable round trip plane ticket to New York City

“Float like a corgi, sting like a corgi.™

The first thing to do is remove the puppy from the KeepStill™ styrofoam case and feed him. Not so fast with that Purina Mail-Order Dog Formula. This is a special dog. Your future buzz is in his paws. Feed him the expensive shit. Next, teach him to saunter on a leash with perfect strides. Practice six hours every day. He must have an elite saunter. Never forget that the most important element of an elite corgi saunter is constant encouragement. Keep Gwyneth Paltrow’s Self-Assurance™ audiobook playing on a loop and discuss key points of her teachings with your corgi. Leave sticky notes of inspiration at corgieye level, with messages like “You are the Messiah” and “Float like a corgi, sting like a corgi.™” Now, use the handy airplane tickets to fly both of you to New York City. All roundtrip tickets originate in Cincinnati. You are responsible for your transportation to the Cincinnati Airport. When you arrive in New York, enter and win the Westminster Dog Show. Accept your generous prize money™. Now you have lots of cash. I know what you're thinking. Having lots of money is great, but it won't help you get high. Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered. Upon returning home, immediately contact the agent for John Mellencamp. Use your generous prize money™ to hire John Mellencamp to play a private concert in your backyard. Allow the corgi to watch the concert from the front row. This may seem obvious, but remember that if you get in the way of a corgi’s view of a John Mellencamp concert, he will maul the ever-living shit out of your legs and no jury would blame him. While John Mellencamp is churning out the best damn show that anyone has ever witnessed, go online and convert your money to bitcoins. At the end of the night, explain to John Mellencamp that his performance fee will be paid in bitcoins. Did he stab you in the face? Yep, he does that every time. Now your work is finished. Ease into your ambulance ride. Here comes the morphine. Sweet, sweet morphine. You are soooooo high, dude™. You’re welcome.

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If an alien had to deduce what holidays were Sarah Godlin, staff by reading my Facebook feed New Year’s:

A time to say you are going to do something you may or may not do

Valentine's Day:

A time to denounce the day itself or take pictures of chocolate

Easter:

A day to put children in the lap of a large, dead eyed rabbit

Cinco de Mayo:

A day to talk in a language you do not know and drink a certain brand of beer

4th of July:

April Fool’s:

A day to wear particular colors and take pictures of small explosions far away

A day to announce that you are pregnant though you are not really pregnant

Halloween:

A time to put children next to orange vegetables

Christmas:

A time to put children in the lap of an old man

Conclusion: Skip this planet.

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I Want A New Drug

Huey Lewis, contributor

I want a new drug. One that won't make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car. Or make me feel 3 feet thick. I want a new drug. One that won't hurt my head. One that won't make my mouth too dry, or make my eyes too red. One that won't make me nervous. Wondering what to do. One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you. When I'm alone with you. I want a new drug. One that won't spill. One that don't cost too much. Or come in a pill. I want a new drug. One that won't go away. One that won't keep me up all night. One that won't make me sleep all day. One that won't make me nervous, wondering what to do. One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you. When I'm alone with you. I'm alone with you, baby. I want a new drug. One that does what it should. One that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good. I want a new drug. One with no doubt. One that won't make me talk too much, or make my face break out. One that won't make me nervous, wondering what to do. One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you. When I'm alone with you. I'm alone with you.

Public Announcement: If you don’t want to do drugs then cut a donut in half lengthwise and put a sausage patty in the middle. It will give you just as much pleasure.

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-SG www.savagehenrymagazine

Savage Henry’s Interactive Game:

#NewNames with @CornellReid

Cornell Reid, staff

This month: DRUG LORD NAMES Tony Fontana El Slopo Methew McConaughey Mommy Uncle Clenched Jaw Frank Bob Gnarly Fed Ex Bernie Sanders’s Friend Bernie Sanders Narco Rubio Nod Stewart Dabert Dabniro Martin Scorsese (That deals drugs and doesn’t make movies) Santeria Practicer

THIS MONTHS WINNER

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Next issue is the Swimsuit Issue. Do you have a good swimsuit model name? example: Lassie Hardtits. Tweet it to @cornellreid on Twitter with the hashtag #newnames & I’ll feature my favorites in the next issue. SOMEONE PLEASE DETHRONE DUTCH!

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Dear Drugs, Will You Be My Valentine?

C.B. Kelly, contributor

Paper hearts, candy hearts, and broken hearts are all things that are synonymous with Valentine's day; But what about palpitating hearts? Two bottles of the cheapest gut-rot bourbon I could find just wasn't enough to comfort my lonely blood pumper this last V-day (Though it certainly helped). So, I headed down to the Arcata plaza, and, with minor difficulty, acquired a backpack full of drugs to fill the empty void that was my soul. The following is a collection of poems I wrote in succession to one another, whilst delving one by one into my bags of fun. I hope that these writings can help you fall in love the way I did: Loaded and scared.

Dear Heroin,

Heeeey, maaaan... liiike, I think we have somemething, good, going heeeere... it's liiike, your all, like, covering meeee... like a, blaaaanket... Sooo niiiice... When I need support, like, heroiiin... it's just, it's like... heroiiin... I don't feel so good.

Dear Meth,

WELL I KNEW I REALLY LIKED YOU BUT NOW I KNOW I REALLY LIKE YOU AND YOUR VOICE IS SO SOOTHING YOU COULD PUT A BABY TO SLEEP IN A BURNING WAREHOUSE, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, WITH METAL AND GEARS AND FIRE CLANKING CHING BANG CRUNCH GRIND? I MEAN, YOU KNOW? LOVE, RIGHT? I don't feel so good...

My Dearest Cocaine,

I have ravaged the depths of the earth, searching for a woman as sensual and caring as you are. Your beautiful eyes, the color of, well, zombie eyes. Your scent is that of the finest diesel fuel, and you still resemble the smell of the rubber tire you were shipped here in. Oh how I wish to meet you again, how I wish to hold you betwixt mine thumb and forefinger, separated only by a snot-coated dollar bill. But alas, I don't feel so good...

Dear Ecstasy,

HOT DAMN, I'VE NEVER LOVED LIKE THIS BEFORE! I LOVE YOU! AND I LOVE YOU! AND YOU! AND... NO, I'LL GIVE YOU A HUG FIRST! I JUST WANT TO BEND MDMA OVER A TABLE AND GIVE IT TO HER ANGRY STYLE! I LOVE SO MUCH IT FUCKING HURTS! I FEEL SOOOO GOOD!!!

Dear LSD,

Hoooly shiit, whoah... Hey baby I love you and all, but I think this whole love thing is kind of like, arbitrary. Like, love is like, time, or like money, it's all just made up, man. The government is making it up as we speak... Speak... Speak... Spleak... Shpeak... Shpleeek... shpleker, er, ererer... Who am I again? What? Yeah... Um, wait, what?... I feel... Yeah.

Dear Sobriety,

You damned whore, you can't go one fucking minute without complaining about something! Cocksucking bitch, just change the goddamn channel if you don't want to watch it! You think I want this?!?! You think I want to fight with you?!?! Look, baby, I only yell at you because I love you... I think we need some time apart... I don't feel so good... 22

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Financial Advice Column

Scott Bowser, contributor

Retirement is something no one likes thinking about, as it usually involves a colostomy bag and watching all your friends die. When you finally reach the point where sitting in a chair and watching your "stories" is the only thing your pulse beats for, you'll want to make sure you can take care of yourself, or at least have enough money for younger family members to come by and kiss your ass. Selling your medication will get you only so far at that age, because anyone with balls will muscle you. That's why you need to start planning early. Enter heroin. The human anus is capable of fitting at least one ounce of pure China in there if you use regulation balloons. An ounce can be purchased in the $1500-2000 range territory, and with a street price of $200 a gram it's not rocket science to figure out this is the best investment you can make for your future. Even in the event of a federal offense you'll be able to list butt-smuggling as a resume item with the prison gangs. It's about planning for the future.

Many people may think it's a poor idea to put their future in the hands of vicious cartels, but when comparing their stability to that of the banks, it’s smarter to go with the sure thing. Just be sure to set aside 20% of all profits for legal funds and you'll be just fine. Remember the goal is to avoid drug dealing later in life. No one wants to sell pills to the Armenian guy that sits on the milk crate in front of the liquor store. That's for people who didn't plan. When you reach old age, you've earned that Vicodin. Enjoy it.

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r e t a w e v r e s n o c H T I W S T N E I R T U N & m e t s y s p i a dr talk with our on staff drip expert

Cliff-Hanker Episode 6: High and Bye

Seth Milstein, contributor

The coke game was going well for Hank. It had only been a few months since he had made the decision to drop out of the weed game and devote his energy to the great white way (cocaine not Broadway, even though that expression is never used to mean that it does sound cool and maybe that colloquial slang starts here). Hank had a whole operation. In fact, he was so deep in the game that he could watch all five seasons of The Wire without ever once looking anything up in the urban dictionary. One day while getting fitted for a new suit with a mandarin collar, like drug dealers do, Hank ran into his old employer from when he worked in the weed business. It was the last guy he talked to before his emotional breakdown. As he watched this old acquaintance nervously make his way through the fancy suit store, Hank realized that this was the gentleman who handed him the substance that acted as a very functional accelerant for said breakdown. Hank was filled with a rage that was only quelled by the curiosity of why this man, Tim, looked so intensely toward him. Tim took Hank aside to speak with him privately. He explained that the drug he gave Hank that day was not cocaine, MDMA, or even a mixture of the two (as Hank had guessed). The truth was that it was an experimental drug that he and some partners were working on. They’d given it to Hank to make a guinea pig out of him. He even revealed that they followed him around for the day or so afterward to see if it worked but it hadn’t. Hank was just an intense version of high. The drug was intended to be much more than that. Hank punched Tim breaking his nose. He didn’t appreciate being an experiment. Tim begged forgiveness as Hank gave him a few kicks to the stomach before turning away. As he did, Tim who began sobbing involuntarily from the pain, yelled after him disclosing that they had indeed perfected the formula. Hank stopped intrigued. He asked what the drug was supposed to be. Tim told him that it was an ingestible form of the God particle and could fix the human psyche. Hank pointed out that perfect people don’t buy drugs, kicked him again, and left.

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Narcan Is A Buzzkill

Keith D. contributor

I came out of the warm numbing haze slowly, seeing 4 or 5 men standing above me. For a moment I thought they were my friends. Then I noticed the uniforms. “Look who decides to wake up,” said the cop as a paramedic was pulling a syringe out of my arm. “What are you doing in my house?” I asked. “And what did you give me?” “We gave you a 55 millimeter dose of Narcan. It kills any narcotics in your blood”, the paramedic informed me. “Like heroin.” The cop said that very matter-of-factly. Like he was looking down on me. Or maybe it just seemed that way because I was on the floor and he was standing up, looking down on me.

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I tried to stand up but the paramedic restrained me. “We need you to be still until the stretcher arrives.” “This is what happens when you do drugs.” The cop said this with clear distaste for me. “Look, I’m fine, and I didn’t do any drugs”, I lied. “He’s definitely a druggie”, said another cop holding up my bong, which had been casually placed on a table, in plain sight. Two more paramedics arrived, with the stretcher. “We can’t get inside the door.” He said from the hallway of my apartment. Moments later 4 men were lifting me by each of my limbs and placed me on the stretcher in the hallway. My neighbors had come out of their apartments to see what was going on. I felt like a celebrity, the whole floor had poured out into the hallway to watch me. “Nothin to see here folks, just a guy on a stretcher.” I said jovially. Nobody laughed. They were pushing me towards the elevator. It suddenly dawned on me that they were taking me to a hospital or a jail. “Hey where are you taking me?”

Get off the dope people!

“Relax, you’re going to the hospital, this is standard procedure for an overdose”, the paramedic assured me. I thought of ambulance fees, hospital bills, insurance premiums. “This is bullshit I’m fine, I just want to be left alone. What happened to my right to privacy?” I was yelling now, panicking.

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“You gave up that right when you decided to shoot heroin!” The cop said triumphantly. “Please don’t aggravate him, he needs to rest.” The paramedic said this like he had dealt with hot headed cops too many times. So had I.

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“He can answer those questions when he gets out of the hospital”, the paramedic responded. I never had to answer any questions. The hospital stay was dull and pointless. They had me hooked up to an IV full of saline. To this day I have collection agencies after me for unpaid hospital bills and ambulance fees. I throw the letters in the trash without opening them. Junk mail. @RealKeithDirty

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Swain's Flat Outpost Garden Center

A Love Letter to the Meth Community Sam Greenspan, contributor Hey guys, gals, and directionless teens, it’s me, your old friend Sam. I don’t mean old friend in the sense of ever having slogged down the slippery slope into the psychotic world of methamphetamine, but, I suppose I have snorted some less than desirable cocaine in my day, so I’ve probably done a little. That’s not the point. I mean that I’m your old friend in that we’re both people underneath all of our flaws: me with my emotional instability and mental health issues, and you with your sweet sweet meth. I’ll bet you’d like some right now, hunh? Wouldn’t you, you radiant disaster?

Give my plants Cheetah Power!

Silly Human! Just go to the spot on hwy dirty 6!

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Well, I don’t have any. However, I would like all of you tweekers to know that while I don’t support your habit, I appreciate you. Yes, it’s true. ‘Why is that?’ you may be tooth grinding to yourself. I’ll explain. You see I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon. You probably know it now as the hipster respite and eye-rolling holierthan-thou despicable wonderland it has devolved in to, swiftly becoming an expensive uptight parody of itself as if all of the amniotic fluid collected in the bedpan when San Francisco gave birth to Seattle coagulated and decided to play ‘city’ on it’s own time. Well, as a native Portlander, I’m here to tell you that that didn’t used to be the case. It used to be an exquisitely flawed and wholly authentic train wreck of a city before the eye of Sauron cast its gaze upon my Shire and realized that there was money to be made off of it. ‘Why is this relevant to me, and do you have any tweek?’ you may be fixing a washing machine to yourself. No, I don’t, I’ll explain. You see, if Portland had had tweekers like you? Maybe, just maybe I’d still have my beautiful city. Now, I reside in Arcata, and it’s hardly changed in the eleven years that I’ve been visiting before moving here two years ago, and it’s all thanks to you. I’m serious. You and and your vile habit alone are the spooky zombified shield wall on opposite ends of the 101 from Garberville to Berry Glenn protecting our community from gentrification and land rapists from Southern California, Silicon Valley, and Seattle (Or worse: New York) from coming here and turning this place into one large beige shopping mall. I would take one of you over potentially three thousand khaki clad assholes from ruining this place. You’re the human equivalent of a “No Loitering” sign to the Banana Republic crowd. You’re jaw rattling, 101 clogging, eye sinking, BMX gang loving, light bulb smoking ways are perhaps the only thing keeping us safe. So the next time you break in to my car, l’ll just think of it as an involuntary donation to the Humboldt Preservation Society. Thank you for all you do for Humboldt county, and get help. Or don’t. Keep Humboldt beautiful!

Come Celebrate with us! New Orleans Suspectsand the Wild Mendohoulas Sunday April 17th at the Van Duzen River Grange Season Kick off benefiting North Coast Opportunities and The Grange Farm School Catered by Bless my Soul Cafe 30

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Reefview Madness: The New Oregon Grape

Scott M, contributor

This month we’re heading to the magazine’s northern distribution reach… the wonderful state of Oregon! Now with more legality! I smoked a bunch of prerolls from a number of shops up and down the state, collected by one of the magazine’s editors. They really should consider changing the State Flower from the Oregon Grape (which I don’t think is actually even a grape), to pot. All Sativa or Sativa-heavy hybrid pre-rolls. It’s a dirty job but blah blah blah….on with the smoke. Strawberry Cough - The Guild in Eugene Nice sized pre-roll in a cone. Burned nice and even, and tasted real nice. I smoked this one in my truck. Don’t worry, I’ve seen all the Doobie U I = DUI billboards. My truck was parked in the hotel parking lot, and I went out to smoke so I wouldn’t get charged the $500 for smoking in my room. I used an old can as an ashtray. I set the joint down and scrolled through my phone. Reached out to grab the joint for another tasty hit and it was gone. I panicked and searched the floor. Nothing. Then I saw the smoke coming from inside the can. Damn it. Learn from my mistake. Half a joint in the drink...literally. The hits I got get stuck around in a mellow way. Green Crack - Beaver Bowls in Corvallis Medium sized pre-roll in that spliff cone shape. What is going on with that spliff-shaped cone joints nowadays? Is it a Bob Marley thing? I get the crutches, those are good and all, but the cone shape, ehhh. But like dabs and shatter and all that crap, it’s everywhere nowadays. 32

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Pineapple Kush - Antheia in Grants Pass Another cone-shaper. Smoked this one and discovered this network called Antenna TV. It’s old 70s and 80s shows that I grew up with. Barney Miller, All In the Family, even old episodes of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson! After smoking this one, and watching these shows and getting all nostalgic, for a second I thought I might have died and the afterlife is being in a dumpy room all by yourself with your favorite TV shows, a bunch of joints, and a bag of Sour Patch Kids. Freedom Fighter - MOM’s in Kerby It’s a regular-ass joint. No cones. It’s machine-rolled for sure, but it was a throwback to have a regular-ass joint. It got me where I needed to go. Just off the road, head still buzzin’. Smoked it, ate pizza, and watched old Johnny Carson episodes. I didn’t even give my dab pen a second look the rest of the night. Blue Haze - Sacred Flower Medicinals in Selma Smaller coneshaped. Tasted good as I hung out the motel room window. Wasn’t as concerned with getting charged in this dump. As I hung out to exhale once I noticed a person hanging out of the window of the room next to me. They noticed me. We both ducked back into our rooms.

The dueling joint-off had begun. We never saw each other again, the second after I tossed my joint out the window, they tossed theirs, crossing my trajectory like a sign of victory. Narnia - Sweet Tree Farms Eugene in Grown by Sugar Top Buddery Small cone. First thing that grabbed my attention is the smell. It’s a knockout. Got my whole room smelling as soon as I popped the dube tube. And I heard that you can bring your dube tubes back to the dispensary and get a discount on your purchase. I was so productive up until this. Ended the night with Carol Burnett Show marathon. Golden Ticket - The Holistic Choice in Salem Wa wa wee wa. Golden ticket is right! Smoked this whole machinerolled joint in one sitting and before I knew it I had ideas for nine new HBO documentaries, three new recipes with the words “con carne” in them, and I built a new truck sound system with bungees, a PA system, and a tape deck. Oh, and I changed my name to Arthur Slugworth. Hawaiian - Cherry City Compassion in Salem Aloha! It means high and goodbye at the same time! Continued next page... 33

Continued from previous page... Orange Crush - NE Green Oasis in Portland Good taste. A little perfumy, not in a bad way. The end finished like BBQ chicken… either that or I’m having a stroke. A coner that burned even and well. When I was a kid I had an orange VW bug, a ‘74. I’ve only ran over two cats in my life, both on accident so take it easy. And both times REM’s “Orange Crush” was playing on the radio. I shit you not. Jack Flash - Cannabliss in Portland

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First thing I noticed out of the gate on this one was the peppery smell. Not overpowering, but definitely there. And it was here, at Cannabliss, a budtender explained to one of our staffers that the cone joints are for efficiency. They come preformed and you just stuff ‘em until packed and twist. Easy enough I guess. The pepper gave way to a piney scent and it finished off nice and mellow.

Ed Note…...OK, OK, we get it. You smoke weed and Oregon has good weed. We gottta cut this piece here, we’re one use of the word “vibe” away from officially being lumped in with all those “cannabis culture” magazines. Below are some other spots that came through for the review. Dog Walker - Blue Sky in Portland

Skywalker OG - Agrestic in Corvallis Grown By Devil’s Lettuce Ambrosia - Eugene OG in Eugene Grown By Vibrant Highs Mint Flavored Joint - Oregon Medigreen in Eugene The mint is from the terpenes.

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Being a newfangled Dead Head I love the name of this place. The J was a coner that burned on the quicker side but that might be a good thing. It sent me for sure. Very strong and exactly what I was looking for at the time. Blue Dream - Rip City Remedies in Portland It was a straight machine-rolled joint with a large crutch. Smelled good, burned well.

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16 Times an Epic Frederic Chopin Track Made Us Say OMG

Zack Newkirk, staff

Nobody can tickle the keys, the piano keys, like Frederic Chopin. He's the soundtrack to our parties, and our doulas listen to his songs when they are pulling our blood-soaked babies out of the pools we birth them in. Here are the Chopin tracks that made us look up from our phones and say OMG: 1: Op. 10 No. 7: Etude in C Major 2: Op. 36: Impromptu No. 2 in F-Sharp Minor 3. Op. 7 No. 2: Mazurka in A Minor 4. Op. 9 No. 1: Nocturne in B-Flat Minor 5. Op. 40 No. 2: Polonaise in C Minor 6. Op. 28 No. 7: Prelude in A Major 7. Op. 6 No. 4: Mazurka in E-Flat Minor 8. Op. 28 No. 16: Prelude in B-Flat Minor 9. Op. 54: Scherzo No. 4 in E Major 10. Op. 64 No. 1: Waltz in D-Flat Major 11. Op. 25 No. 9: Etude in G-Flat Major 12. Op. 23: Ballade No. 1 in G Minor 13. Op. 61: Polonaise-Fantaisie in A-Flat Major 14. Op. 28 No. 20: Prelude in C Minor 15. Op. 16: Rondo in E-Flat Major

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The Brothers Brothers Band’s Oscar Preview Derek Luna, contributor

It’s that time of year again, when everyone is buzzing about the Oscars and which film is gonna take home the gold. Well, personally I have most of my money tied up in Pogs and Pog accessories, so I don’t exactly have the cash to spend on overpriced tickets. For me to see all the noms, plus popcorn, plus a bucket of soda, that’s like… I dunno, math sucks, but it’s a lotta fucking dough I don’t have. So me and my brother Leland are getting our Oscar “Buzz” on in our own backyard for much cheaper. By mixing the perfect cocktails of narcotics, over-the-counter medication and household cleaning solvents, you too can feel like you’re on the red carpet, even though you’ll likely just be passed out on a discolored rug in your garage. The Big Short Now as I understand it, this flick is mostly about Wall Street douchebags and math, so we started naturally with a couple lines of cocaine and a half a bag of shrooms Leland and me had left over from a music festival we recently attended called “DrugFest.” Soon the cocaine was making us feel like big-shot Wall Street financiers, and the shrooms made everything, even putting my boots on, seem like trying to solve the quadratic fucking equation. Overall I gotta give this flick two thumbs down; having the energy to crunch numbers but not the mental wherewithal kinda sucks. The Revenant My Brother and me chugged a bottle of cough syrup and then went and spent 10 bucks scoring some trucker speed with our friend Bear. He’s not a real bear, but he’s pretty fucking hairy and at one point in the night Bear actually got pissed at me for drinking all the mountain dew and he kinda wrassled me around and scratched me up real good. All in all, I’d say our night was just as “riveting” as the movie and I didn’t have to watch a guy drag himself through the woods for 2 hours. Oscar goes to: Bear. Mad Max I fucking love big trucks, deserts, and ladies covered in dirt and shit, so naturally Mad Max: Fury Road was one of the first movies I wanted to see on the list of Oscar nominees. But did I fork over $40 for popcorn and a soda at the theatre? Fuck no, me and my brother went to the truck stop and bought 3 packets of energy pills and 2 packets of boner pills. We put em all in my hat, mixed ‘em up and then split ‘em. Next we took both the doors and the hood off our Dodge caravan and just drove off into the desert with a couple rags soaked in diesel fuel wrapped around our heads blaring whatever metal albums Bear left in the van. Two thumbs up, and two boners as well.

That just about does it for our Oscar preview, we tried to see The Martian as well, but that was just a bottle of vodka (made from potatoes) and a can of industrial adhesive we huffed on till we thought we saw aliens. Not exactly a red carpet experience, more like what I’d call “Wednesday.” Join us next time for another night at the movies! 38

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Did I Take Too Much Acid or Not Enough Matt Redbeard, contributor Is that a pterodactyl or did the sky just break open in a really trippy way? It could just be a cloud, or maybe when those dudes said Jesus was coming back, they meant meant Jurassic. They sound similar. Why is the moon so bright? It’s probably because of the fluorescent lights that are inside what the moon truly is: THE PENTAGON. Have you seen any of those Babylon motherfuckers? There’s no way they haven’t spent some sort of time with a huge spinning piece of cheese, or is everyone in Alaska shining flashlights at it at the same time? What else are they going to do? I figured out 10 of the 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper. 1. Sugar

3. Bubbles

5. Forrest Gump

7. Sodium

9. Illuminati

2. Blood

4. Liquid Pink Dragon

6. Satan

8. More Blood

10. How I Met Your Mother

Why does weed taste like batteries all of a sudden? OR maybe my teeth are just growing too fast. Either way I'm pretty sure I was a duck in a former life. Is that sweat or blood? I'm ok with either at this point.

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Oh God Please Like Her – The Laura Sanders Interview

Isaac Kozell, staff

Columbus, Ohio native and recent New Orleans transplant Laura Sanders is a nine-years deep comedian who self identifies as “sturdy, loud, and dimpled.” She’s come a long way since her first open mic in 2007 where she told jokes about “hula hooping and Family Feud.” Last month Sanders released her first full length comedy album, Oh God Please Like Me, which went to #1 on the iTunes charts within hours of dropping. She’s toured the country, done a bunch of festivals and opened for greats like Kyle Kinane, Rory Scovel and Sandra Bernhard. I sat down with Sanders to talk about the new album, keeping your day job and evening the playing field in comedy. Isaac Kozell: You started out in 2007. When was the first time you felt that you kind of knew what you were doing onstage? Laura Sanders: I did a show called 15 & Killin' It with two of my friends, Justin Golack and Sumukh Torgalkar. We hosted a show where every month we had to perform 15 new minutes. We would have two other comics and then we would rotate, so every month we were going up and doing a new 15 minute set. We did that for a year. Doing that show was probably where I kind of taught myself that I knew how to do this. Before, I had recorded a half hour called Ohio Built Lady because I wanted to get rid of some jokes. I told myself I couldn't tell them any more after that. But there was that point where I was like, “I was really proud of those, but I have no idea if I'm going to be able to write anything again.” That show kind of taught me that you can, even if you don't love all of it. I could at least get 2 minutes out of that 15 minutes of material and keep doing that over and over again until I had a chunk of time. IK: What was the first big thing that happened to you in comedy? Like getting into a good festival or getting the chance to open for someone major? LS: I always used to dream that someone would just find me and be like, “You're famous now!” I guess the biggest lesson in still doing it this many years later is that there haven't been as many defining moments as far as, “And that was my big break.” It's a lot of different things. It just happened last year, but I really enjoyed Limestone Comedy Festival. Finding myself on the same show as comedians that I really respect, going up and maybe not being the worst one, but being the worst one in a crowd of giants. I got into the Top 200 of Last Comic Standing. That was the first time I was like, “Oh, this can be a national thing.” I flew out and did the audition and that was the lesson of, “It's not one big break,” because I didn't make it past that. That feeling of getting national recognition, having these producers audition me, things like that, followed by, “Ok, that didn't work out. Time to go back home.” 42

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IK: Without disclosing any personal financial information... LS: I don't care. IK: Have you reached a point where you're making enough money to feel like it's a career? When you first start out you invest so much time and resources traveling to shows and festivals. It can be disheartening when you break it all down on paper. From an income reporting standpoint, it's technically considered a hobby until you can show that you're earning money for your art. Do you feel like you've reached a balance in how much you put in versus how much you get out? LS: Not yet. Right now I barely balance it. There are so many goals in comedy that aren't financial. There are people that you would consider as having made it, but they might still be struggling. I'm lucky that Continued next page... 43

Laura Sanders, continued from previous page... my sugar mama job is freelance design. I'm able to do that and it works very well with comedy. But it's been hard. I feel like the most stark contrast is that the day my album came out it went to #1 on the charts. But my bank account had $0.17 in it. It was that feeling of, “I did it! I did that professional goal,” but you have zero dollars. I feel like I have to accept that I'm always kind of going to be a little poor. IK: I like that feeling. I used to have full time, salaried jobs with benefits and perks. My question now is, “Where did all of that money go?” With comedy and writing I'm making a fraction of what I used to make and I'm in less debt now than I was then. LS: Spending is like a gas. It will just fill up space. Any amount of money I have, I'll spend. I might as well make less money. My starter design fee when I first started out … I worked at Ohio State after I graduated there. I bought a car in it's entirety. Now I still have to drive that car because past me was basically like, “You need to own this outright because you're about to be poor.”

to self produce and self release. Timing-wise I didn't have the time to get many articles or promos out ahead of the release. So really it was people I've met and word of mouth. Some people from my past that I had forgotten about were talking about the album. I'm very lucky to have met quality people along the way and they helped a lot in promoting it. Once it gets into the Top 10 there's that thing of, “Let's push it to the top.” I was impressed by the word of mouth and how it got around. I was hoping for Top 10, but didn't expect #1.

were the ones with the explicit “E” next to your albums.

IK: By the afternoon of the day the album came out you were at #1 ahead of two Brian Regan albums, Brandie Posey, who released her album just before yours and also hit #1...

LS: Someone who really loves just one joke?

IK: What do you think was the driving force that pushed your album to #1 the day it came out?

LS: She hit #1 immediately the day before. She was #1 all day on her release day. Thank God we released on separate days. We kind of talked about it during Hell Yes Fest, but we didn't follow up. She came out before me saying, “I'm releasing on February 17th.” Thank God she didn't say the 18th because I would have changed my date. I wanted to promote her album on the day she released it. She's so great.

LS: The driving force behind why I like comedy is people. I don't have a big press person behind me. I decided

IK: Then the next album down the charts was Jim Gaffigan. It's funny that in that group you and Brandie

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LS: The explicit rules are so intense. IK: It's just if you cuss, right? LS: Yeah. I have one track that I don't cuss on. The tracks are all, “E, E, E, E,” then one track with no “E” next to it. If people are looking for some good, clean comedy they can buy Track 2 on my album. IK: Who would buy a single track off a comedy album? IK: How much time does this album represent for you? LS: I recorded Ohio Built Lady in 2012, so all of these jokes have been since then. IK: Who are your comedy icons? LS: My favorite album right now is Maria Bamford's Ask Me About My New God! I've listened to it several times. I've also watched Chelsea Peretti's special several times. Those are two that just lately I've been very addicted to. As far as when I first started, Paul F. Tompkins and Patton Oswalt. Kyle Kinane is my favorite to see live. I've seen him live a bunch of times and it's always a good show. There are some comics I'll see live and it will be like, “Ok, I'm set for a while.” But for him I always want to see it again. Sean Patton too. I come from a speech team background so I'm very much like … when I first started it was, “Here is my speech of jokes.” The transitions were very written out and measured. My biggest challenge in

performing has always been just letting it be what it is right then and not have it be this controlled, perfect thing. Kinane and Patton are the ones who show that really well. IK: Gender in comedy is something that has been getting a lot of attention lately. What has your experience been like as a woman in comedy? LS: My experience personally has been very positive. Everyone has icky stories. I've had a few road shows with guys saying dumb things. It's always least common denominator when someone is being an asshole. I'm a woman. That's the most obvious thing about me. I've done well and had someone say, “I didn't think you would be funny,” or that weird, “I usually hate women in comedy but I liked you.” Women tell me that more than anyone. Men just won't talk to me. But women will come up and be like, “I usually hate women in comedy, but I liked you.” I'm like, “I don't know why you had to say that.” I know they're trying to say it in a complimentary way, like I just achieved a hurdle past their prejudice of me. But what they just said was, “When you went onstage I expected you to be bad. But I feel like the tides are turning. I know people have gone through horrific things, so in no way do I want to say it's easy for women now. But it is getting better. The thing I want to see change the most is the numbers. When some ass wipe says women aren't funny … well, there are less women. I'd love to see it be more of an even playing field. LauraSandersComedy.com

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Remember the ‘90s?

Mike Spiegelman, contributor

Nostalgia for the 1990s is peaking, and why not? As our young leaders blossom and move society forward, it’s fun to look back and reminisce. Millennials cherish all the great kids stuff, unaware that for their babysitters, the 90s were all about heroin. When Generation X “trainspots” the 90s, what things do they tap and (Courtney) Love?

Take this test and see how you score. 1. What was the craziest snack from the 1990s? a. Fruit Gushers b. Purple ketchup c. Smoking heroin off tin foil 2. What is your favorite Goosebumps book? a. "The Haunted Mask" b. "Say Cheese and Die - Again!" c. "Chasing the Dragon"

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3. TV sitcom Dinosaurs ended on what sour note? a. The dinosaurs face extinction as an asteroid approaches Earth. b. The dinosaur couple gets a divorce. c. I don't know, I must have nodded off. 4.What was the name of Nickelodeon's Saturday night programming? a. Nickelodeon SMACK b. Nickelodeon SNICK c. What's this about smack?

A Fun Quiz for Millennials’ Heroin-Addicted Babysitters 5. What was your favorite 90s catchphrase? a. Stop the insanity! b. Did I do that? c. Yeah man so I went up to him I did I went up to him and he was like no way you know and I felt I don’t know you know it just happens happening now happens all the time I know a guy so then I went up to the guy and he was like no way you know do you know where I can score?

Score: Good idea! I know a guy.

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Dealing with The Devil’s Dandruff

Tommy Lucero, contributor

Some families have a rich heritage that would include war heroes, good Samaritans or even a religious zealot or two. Mine is the same in some respects, however it's in the illustrious world of narcotics and bad decisions. Nobody else comes close to legend in the arena of zigging when one should zag more than those chosen few in my family tree whom periodically pass out and fall from the branches above. Who hasn't done a bit of experimenting during their life though, if someone says they haven't they are most likely a liar, a Politician or both. All the way down from the folks in the driver’s seat as a delivery driver up to the fellas slanging dime bags for pop tarts, the Lucero's are deeply entrenched in the rich history of tunneling under borders like ground squirrels in sombreros. Whether it was in the cataclysmic yet adventurous world of dealing with the "Devil’s Dandruff" otherwise known as the "Champagne of Drugs" and "Gutter Glitter". The Wacky Weasel Dust is something all too commonly negotiated and haggled over by some that it caused them to continue the conversation for ten to twenty in the most private of fashions under maximum security. I myself have had a bout or two with the Columbian Marching Powder in my time. We've all had those moments in our lives when the fun of the night runaway with us, besides you only turn 11 once. When the bright lights of the club grab a hold of you and Chuck E. Cheese takes the stage for his second encore at the same time as the California Corn Flake dealer gets there you have to take that as a indication that the universe wants you to party like Andy Dick at Mardi Gras. Sometimes you have to live life to understand it, and sometimes you gotta fall face down to not take things for granted. We all can learn from the mistakes the herds of black sheep in our families have made because that's what they are there for, well that and more of that white girl in a snow storm special we at the homestead have all come to know and mildly tolerate until our TV goes missing.

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Drugs Best Friend

Gage Hensley, contributor

In the fast pace life of drug use, life tends to get lonely. Friends disappear when you start watching that same season of Breaking Bad everyday like it’s the first, your parents stop picking up the hone after your 3rd time panhandling them for money, and your girlfriend...well you never had a girlfriend that’s why you’re on drugs. You know who’s stuck it out for the long run? Man’s best friend, The omnipresent canine! He doesn’t complain when you sleep (or don’t sleep) for days, he doesn’t bail when you skip a few (dozen) showers, and he’s always listening even when you repeat yourself (even when you repeat yourself) a milion times. There also lies a problem: with so many breeds to choose from, how are you ever supposed to pick an ideal compadre for your offbeat lifestyle? Well for this very problem, we’ve done the research for you to narrow down the search into four, four legged friends. Heroin: The Basset Hound For its lack of maintenance, you can doze off as much as you want and he’ll most likely beat you in racking up Z’s. He hates long walks even more than you do and will match you in any unenthusiastic expression you care to throw at him. Pick one of these guys up and he won’t mind if you forget he exist, for he doesn't think about you at all. Marijuana: The Great Dane Also a low in the energy category and will match you on your very lazy maneuvers. He will encourage you to gorge out on all the entrees you can handle, take a quick snooze when you feel it’s required, and love you when that gross shirt you’ve pushed the limits on since high school turns into a time lapsed tiedye of condiments.

Methamphetamine: The Chihuahua You need someone to match you on the ability to waste a lot of energy and time on meaningless pacing around your suspiciously clean home. No one understands your paranoia like this furry friend and will engage all unexpected activity with the overreaction you know it deserves. You can twitch on the couch for days with this guy, eating very little, while all your friends have another reason not to bother you. LSD, Acid, Mushrooms, or any psychedelic: A Cat Let’s face it, you shouldn’t be in charge of anything, including yourself, on this trip to nowhere. Cats pretty much take care of themselves and will leave you alone for the most part. On your spiritual journey, he’ll pretty much look like many forms of every animal, so you’ll get a dog eventually out of him. Just feed and water him before you leave into the 4th dimension and he’ll see you on the other side. www.savagehenrymagazine

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH Cleaned up addict Frankie Sinatra is fresh out of a hospital |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF|||

"You wanna make whoopee tonight?" "You bet, I've always wanted to see the inside of a nightclub!" say a couple of hopheads on their way to the Dead Rat Club boasting some very cool dead rat wallpaper. A young woman is given some "headache powder" and quickly turns into one of The Cocaine Fiends (1935), a propaganda laced campaign to expose the evils of pedaling coke to school kids.

The Andy Warhol produced Trash (1970) starts with the pockmarked butt of a limp heroin-filled man getting a blowjob and not too happily as he tries not to nod off. Full frontal man parts, forests of bush, very awkward graphic heroin use and a lot of very strange woman trying to get it on with our junky main character; "Does politics turn you on?" Cool soundtrack but basically the story of the most useless guy ever.

prison and ready to start a jazz band if he can stay away from dealing cards in underground gambling halls and his past heroin dealer buddies. His wheelchair bound girlfriend has some surprises too for The Man With The Golden Arm (1955).

Folks did some acid called Blue Sunshine (1978) and 10 years later a crazy doctor is about to cut into a patient, a nutty babysitter watches her hair fall out and a creepy cop has a pet parrot on his shoulder while staring hungrily at his family. A guy at a party goes nuts after his hair falls out and throws three women into a fireplace followed by nightmares, a moody Moog soundtrack and homicidal maniacs who hate disco.

Continued next page...

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Continued from previous page...

Rudy Ray Moore is the Disco Godfather (1979) who battles angel dust dealers with his amazing over the top fancy polyester jumpsuits and gravelly rhymes. Lots of crazy people freaking out with surreal nightmare dream hallucinations, terrible acting, exorcisms and disco dancing so "put your weight on it!"

Miami Connection (1987) is a brilliant terrible film about a ninja motorcycle cocaine-dealing gang vs. a terrible 80's bar band Tae kwon bunch of do-gooders. Bad overacting, hilarious but rad martial arts battles and funny dialog are thanks to Drafthouse Films for putting this obscurity (and others) back into circulation!

|THE|END|

A married cop goes to the Italian Island of Ischia to pursue "narcotics pushers", including smuggler Boris Karloff, The Island Monster (1954), who built a hospital for sick babies. The cop uses a lounge singer junky to infiltrate the gang to get his kidnapped little girl who's being forced to write letters home to her mom. Actually, I think the hospital dog mascot is the only one who knows what's going on here.

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Cooking with Narcotics

C.B. Kelly, contributor

People love making pot food. But what happens when pot is legalized everywhere, and all the people who did it for the thrill are left with nowhere else to turn for their illegal edibles? Here is a list of ideas for snacks and treats to be made with the illegal drugs of today.

• 12 ROTATING TAPS • BEER COCKTAILS • FULL BAR • DAILY SPECIALS • HOUSE INFUSED LIQUORS • OUTDOOR SEATING • HUMBOLDT MADE ARTISAN DISHES

Pecan Oxys Like a pecan sandy, but with an Oxycodone placed on top. Crank Cakes Those aren't sprinkles in the frosting, they're meth crystals. Crack Rock Candy Crack cocaine on a stick. Bath Salt Suckers First it tastes like grape, then like a human face. Cocoa Ketamine Stir it into some milk, and you've got yourself a muddy k-hole. Samoa Cookies There's no drugs in them, and they aren't illegal. But I'm definitely addicted, and I can't stop shooting them into my arm. Cocaine Krispys Fluffy, yet crisp. Robitussin and Pancakes No maple syrup? No worries.

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LSD Taffy Comes in a variety of colors, some of which are new to the color wheel. Ghetto Gummies A mix of all the drugs we could find, and one concentrated Old English 800, in a single gummy worm.

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Book Review

Sarah Godlin, staff

Afterparty Daryl Gregory, Published by Tor In the future, when any drug recipe can be downloaded and printed, a small startup company invents the recipe for the God drug, Numinous: a chemical that rewires your brain to accept that there is a God and that he loves you. In the wrong hands this drug can be very, very bad. Afterparty is a future romp with angels, a cowboy, and some fun lesbian stuff. The main character, Lyda, a chemist who co-authored the drug, is a little unlikable and not incredibly identifiable. The most compelling character is her pet angel, Dr. Gloria, who doesn’t exist, but follows Lyda around after an overdose on Numinous years before. I read two other books and listened to maybe 3 audiobooks while I read this book, so that ought to tell you something about how compelling it was. It’s about one eighth as compelling as the show Hoarders, which has absolutely nothing to do with this book, but I have plenty of opinions on that and I’ve got to fill this page with something, so here goes: There is probably nothing worse than a hoarder’s bathroom. Once their water gets shut off their brains, which obviously don’t work, tell them to do things like shit in diapers and pile them up in the bathroom, or to keep going in the toilet until there is a shit mountain that prevents the lid from closing. My personal favorite is the gal that shit in a bucket then scooped the bucket out into a smaller bucket and threw it out of her door. It’s mind blowing. You watch an episode like that and think that it is the worst possible case of human filth imaginable, but then there is another episode that tops it. And is it right to watch this Squalor Porn when these people obviously need mental help? I don’t know. Ok, I do know. No. It’s not right to use it for entertainment, but goddamn, it is addicting and I do it even though I know it’s wrong. Like a drug. It’s my drug. 2/5 stars for Afterparty 5/5 Stars for Hoarders

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Krokodil You Like To Party

Matt Redbeard, contributor

Less is Morrissey

Josh Duke, staff

I have friends who like The Smiths, and consequently, they are also fans of the solo work of their frontman, Morrissey. But they’re wrong. His apathetic crooning about the banality of life is not only boring, but, like his music, downright pointless. Seriously, listening to The Smiths is like…

Krokodil, also known by its Babylon name Desomorphine, is clearly disgusting. Disgustingly AWESOME that is! First off, it’s super easy to make. All you need is codeine, iodine, and the red smelly heads off of the matches. Throw that cocksucker in a blender, feed the needle, and wa wa weee waa you are nodding off in no time, my friend.

Eating a lukewarm bowl of Crispix that’s been soaking in rice milk overnight. Watching a Gen X comedy film starring Janeane Garofalo in slow motion.

Side effects of the drug turn you into a lizard person. A FUCKING LIZARD PERSON. Yeah that's right, you can turn into your Skyrim character IRL (in real life) like in no time. And in no time I mean the first time.

A sensory deprivation chamber relaxing inside of another sensory deprivation chamber.

Letting yourself prune up in the bath, but instead of your skin, it’s your lousy wrinkled taste in music, John. Listening to a 19-year old who is now an expert after taking Intro Political Science at a community college. The last three seasons of Dexter.

That's right, folks, you can be a real life Sleestak in less than four hours or your arm will fall off.

The only thing that will cancel out the noise of a Michael Stipe solo record. The musical equivalent of falling asleep on your arm.

Collecting Precious Moments statuettes.

That part being said, what the hell did you need that thing for anyway? You have another one. What are you, some special World Champion Onion Chopper from way back west? No, you're not. You only need one arm. Two arms is too much. Plus if you lose a limb at least you got to be SUPER HIGH when you did it. Studies show that over 99.9999999978% of people who lose a limb say they wished they were more high when they did it. That's science.

That time you were little, and your parents took you on some impossibly long road trip to visit some relative that you never met because you’re just a little kid, and it’s the ‘80s, and your parents are cheap and didn’t get you a Gameboy, so you try read and now you just feel carsick.

Holding your breath in anticipation for the ending of a Nicholas Sparks movie.

Make your own drugs. Become a lizard or at least that knight from Holy Grail.

Watching C-SPAN 2. Not even as good as the original.

Chernobyl, but less sexy.

Drinking Soylent. Wearing a purity ring, FOREVER. So bad that you’ll actually consider listening to Rush given the alternative.

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Ben’s 10

Ben Allen, music editor

Volume LXXI : Rock Album Narcotic Pairings

Heroin: Iggy Pop Kill City

The only true way to relate to where Iggy was in his life and career in 1977 is to listen to Kill City. Pop had just been released from a mental hospital for heroin addiction and didn’t do well with recovery. It was not uncommon for him to be found literally lying in the gutter along Hollywood’s Sunset Strip at this period of time, with no one caring enough to assist the junk-addled singer.

Methamphetamine: Korn Korn

In recent interviews with the California nu-metal band, all of the members of Korn admitted they recorded their debut high as fuck on methamphetamine. Of course they did. Unleashing uninspired crap metal like this could only be explained by substance abuse, and predictably the band indulged heavily on White Trash America’s favorite cheap high. I’m not saying you should ever do meth, but tweaker Korn fans around our great country are enamored with this album, and we now know why.

Soma: Kanye West The Life of Pablo

It’s challenging to be a fan of Kanye. He’s undisputedly an amazing producer, lyricist and songwriter. However, he’ll never be as important or relevant as he believes himself to be. His new record is amazing, sure, but hard to appreciate when West himself referred to it as “the best album of all time” weeks before its release. West will make you feel tense and uncomfortable. Enjoy The Life of Pablo, but only if you’ve taken soma.

Cocaine: Fleetwood Mac Rumours

While Rumours may seem the obvious pairing for cocaine, there has likely never been a record created in a greater storm of white powder than Fleetwood Mac’s pop masterpiece. Throughout the album, you can just imagine Lindsey Buckingham and company ingesting ridiculous amounts of cocaine while tinkering with every minute detail of the compositions. While Rumours is an astounding accomplishment and one of the biggest selling albums of all time, I would suggest snorting at least a couple of lines to better comprehend the recording.

Marijuana: Heron Oblivion Heron Oblivion

Heron Oblivion is a stunning debut statement from an impressive roster of Bay Area rock luminaries and feels and sounds like a band you’d hear at The Fillmore circa 1968. Musically, Heron Oblivion is most potent when they make the transcendent journey into long, chaotic improvisation that borders on the edge of chaotic noise but somehow beckons the listener along for the ride. The swirling psychedelic guitars and gorgeous, haunting melodies of vocalist Meg Baird are irresistible, especially after a joint.

Ketamine: Weezer Make Believe

I mean, have you listened to this steaming pile of horse shit? It’s only tolerable if you’re on a drug where you basically feel like you’re dead.

Valium: Battles La Di Da Di

Battles is a phenomenal math-rock band, with every new record forecasting the future of rock. It’s not music for the uninformed listener; time, tempo and key changes are frequent and the mostly instrumental group focuses on the frantic technicality of musicianship. Similar to the anxiety and nervousness experienced by watching Ben Stiller act, listening to Battles usually requires the consumption of Valium.

Mescaline: Metallica Reload

There is no way to enjoy Reload unless you’ve happened to consume some peyote cactus. The scuzzy dick-rock of late ‘90s-era Metallica is superb and full of exciting moments of inspired musical genius and progressive, innovative songwriting. But only if you’re on mescaline.

Prozac: Elliott Smith Either/Or

While arguably Smith’s finest recording and both a commercial and critical success for the troubled artist, it’s impossible to listen to Either/Or without wanting to take some form of anti-depressants. Smith painfully explores his vulnerabilities and weaknesses in an uncompromising, beautiful way.

Ecstasy: Cursive Domestica

Cursive’s primary songwriter Tim Kasher wrote this “fictional” account of a relationship’s dissolution which unfolds over Domestica’s nine tracks. Kasher was himself at the end of divorce proceedings while composing the material on Domestica, but chose to embellish the actual events, creating characters to tell a story of love, jealousy and betrayal. Especially if you’re dealing with relationship issues, it’s best to pair this emo masterpiece with some good quality ecstasy. www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Tortoise - The Catastrophist Ben Allen, contributor Tortoise is a funky find if you’re looking for music to make ransom notes, like the kind a psycho would make with cut-out letters.

Catty Mean Girl

The genre is classified as “post-rock,” but I tend to think of it as awesome video game music. No lyrics needed to get the point across with these guys. Their new album The Catastrophist has more synthesizers and electronic sounds than guitars and drums, which is cool for our future robot overlords. These guys are way ahead of the curve when it comes to making my ears feel weird. I like repetition like any self-respecting insane person but listening to Tortoise makes me feel like I’m trapped on a carousel with a thousand kids playing kazoos. I recommend this album if you need a soundtrack to that weird continued falling feeling in your dreams.

Shark in the Water - Every Week is Shark Week Adam Jacobs, contributor This music is making my heart beat extremely fast, like I ate too many edibles. Is that healthy? Shark in the Water’s debut album Every Week is Shark Week takes surf rock to a new level, right about sea level. These guys kick Dick Dale directly in the nards with this heavy-ass surf rock. Hailing from Oakland, California, these nu-metal surf rockers prolly spend more time dodging bullets than catching waves, but the one thing they do well is rock out with their cocks out. The music sounds like instead of catching rays on the sand, the Beach Boys smoked methamphetamines in a parking lot then played guitars on hoverboards. This amped-up surf rock needs a new genre name. How ‘bout Hanging Meth or Surf Squirt? I recommend this album if you need to do 24 hours worth of work in 12 minutes.

Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Rating: 6 out of 12 cans of PBR!

We hate to see you do this to yourself, Larry.

ti n e v r nte

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Cross Record - Wabi-Sabi

Baroness - Purple

David Bowie - Blackstar

Cee Cee Hill, contributor Wabi-Sabi is not the type of wasabi one might imagine. Wabi-Sabi actually represents a Japanese view of beauty. It refers to acceptance of imperfection but also refers to the loneliness of living remote from society. Cross Record is Emily Cross and Dan Duszynski. They moved from Chicago to Texas and now they live on an 18-acre ranch with a chicken coop, located next to a bird sanctuary. Talk about a Wabi-Sabi way of living! Their music perfectly translates the feelings of isolation from society, the calm of nature as well as the violence of the wilderness. The album starts with the song “The Curtains Part,” a most unsettling composition. But most songs are more delicate. The band perfectly blend beautiful guitar melodies and Emily’s sweet voice with dark drums and destabilizing electronics. The album is like Yin and Yang, sweet and sour, light and dark.

Spencer Devine, contributor Baroness must have one hell of a good publicist, as I had to read through a huge bio before getting to the link to stream this album. I like to try to figure out what sub pocket of Metaldom a band fits into because I’m partly ignorant to its actual intricacies, but this album left me feeling like that wasn’t necessary. You’ve heard heavier metal albums, but it’s a mix of interesting messages and catchy-enough metal epics. Look out for “Kerosene.” It isn’t about dragons, but it tapped my toes solid. Purple is an album that sticks to your head a little. I don’t always see that from the genre, so it’s a good sign. Check it out if you like metal, but are also feeling adventurous and want something fresh. Also, this album is based on a bus crash, and that is pretty metal.

Cee Cee Hill, contributor David Bowie is a British duke who also happens to be a singer. Best known for his cover of the Nirvana song “The Man Who Sold The World,” Bowie’s recently released Blackstar is a haunting, beautiful effort. It is experimental, yet accessible to even the casual listener. It mixes some electronica, noise and free jazz elements with pop songs. The ambiance of the album is mainly sad and gloomy. David talks a lot about death. “Look up here, I’m in Heaven” opens lead single “Lazarus” (who was a guy that died a long time ago but apparently not completely as he started walking after a while). The good majority of the lyrical content is mysterious and enigmatic. He could be talking about death or about being a rapper. It’s not clear. I can’t wait to see what his next album will look like. Rest in peace, sweet rock God.

Rating: 8 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Rating: 11 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

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Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

This week we take a little detour from the normal offerings, where I dive into the the world of beers that are flavored so that they don’t taste like beer. Let’s take a look at:

Not Your Father’s Ginger Ale Small Town Brewery - ABV: 5.9% One:

So as I sip on this beer, I think about how I could go on about the fruity, even grassy notes that live within this beverage if it weren’t so overwhelmingly blanketed by the amount of godawful sugary sweetness that drowns out every other flavor (save ginger). Somebody check my insulin levels. Wait, let’s not. That might convince me to stop.

Two:

I had a feeling this would happen, which is why I brought bourbon. I apologize in advance.

Three:

Ok, that was a bit better, but i think this might be taintting my review. Who knows, this ay be why tehy invented this thing cuz they’re all lik e”YO! this thing is so swewet that i t can only be a mixer. I hope some gu y reviews it by making mixed drink s cuz not a person with a soul taht isn’t a ginger should drink like six of these ok?” I think that’s how theyre board meeting went, cuz they use too much sugar.

Four:

oh man this is rough. my mouth feelsl iek that rive in charliek and the chocolate factory, adn i have a small german boy stuck in my throate. wait, that doesn’t sound right. Tahnks for getting me through this , bourbong.

Five.

Ok, so oenn thing we shouldn’t use this fro, is when kids get carsick. It will dfintiely not settle their stomach, in fact it is having the opppoipitne eefect on mine. I should neither drive, no be driven.

Six:

I swear, next month i’m just going to do pabst and theere won’t be a single spelling error cuz i’m a pro at this and a beer like that ewont have me experienceing a drunken stopoir and a sugar crashe. I hate this beer ale thingy ginger stuff. Next time, more bourbon.

Josh is a masochistic professional that enjoys his painful drinking in the safe and responsible comfort of his home, with his car keys in a locked safe, surrounded by loved ones who plea for him to get help. Remember to imbibe responsibly and without injury.

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Narcotic Addictions and Other Things That Affect Your Poo Tiffany Greysen, contributor Narcotics in the form or heroin or painkillers are fast becoming the largest addiction of the American people taking only second to Chipotle’s IBS* burrito —with guacamole for only $0.75 more. Other just-as-serious, but never talked about, addictions include: Cheese Cheese is the number one cause of constipation for women between the ages of 37 and 42 that live in my house. Soft Drinks A dehydrating diuretic, also known by its street name “soda,” or “pop.” Quickly growing in numbers, affecting somewhere between 80% to 90% of my seven friends. Coffee A dehydrating diuretic. Glamour or yoga-pants-mom coffee, or more commonly known as Starbucks specialty coffees, such as ice-venti-half soy-half-coconutone-and-a-half-pump mochas, are also on the rise. While drinking the coffee is the primary addiction, studies show that just ordering the coffee and having the momvs.-the-new-barista battle first thing in the morning is also a “high” of its very own.

-SG

Performing stand-up comedy A natural laxative. Performing stand-up is highly addictive, and often mirrors a gambling addiction as you chase your next “win.” Standing on stage as you create the wave of laughter that travels across the audience, you imagine the hormones that each person has just released as it washes over their brain. You have done it. You have just performed a mass brainwashing. That is power. That is more powerful than even cheese.

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Fasting Or eliminating food intake for a specified amount of time. Fasting is used by single women to drop a size or two before a new date. Although she will have dark circles under her eyes and she won’t be able to follow what her date is saying, her Spanx won’t feel as tight and she will feel thin. Lethargic, but thin.

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Chipotle Is addictive, but can cause extreme diarrhea. However, Chipotle in conjunction with painkillers can counteract the constipation in the painkillers. When the two are used together they have found a successful balance. * IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Narcotics: Myths Vs. Facts Fact: Heroin is the number one cause of heroin abuse.

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Fact: Drugs account for 100% of the drugs in America.

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A 45-year-old Mother of 3 and Virgin Drug User’s Guide to Drugs

Adam Jacobs, contributor

I may be new at this whole drug thing but I’ve seen movies and heard people talking about drugs before so I think I know what I’m doing. Everyone knows how cool it is to use drugs; the news ain’t lying, (Huey Lewis’ backup band is supposedly the hardest partiers out there). Here is my guide to first time drug users like myself, I know actually zero facts about drugs but I imagine it’s pretty easy. Start with the heavy stuff and ease your way out of the drugs. I called 411 looking for heroin but they were no help, so I did what any American would do, I asked a black guy. This particular black fellow was also my postman and he seemed offended that I ask him, but that didn’t stop him from selling me some pretty good black licorice heroin. immediately shoved the heroin up my ass like they do on Orange is the New Black and let me tell you, it was quite uncomfortable. The high would be similar to taking a large poop, painful and stinky but in the end, well worth the trouble. Now that I tried the hardest of the hard, time to move on to the weed. My yard is full of weeds so finding this devil’s lettuce should be easy. After hours of searching I came up empty handed then I noticed my neighbor had a whole tree of it. He told me years ago that it was a Japanese Maple tree but I looked online at a weed hat and sure enough the leaves matched, who knew my neighbor Mr. Morimota was such a druggy. I took a few choice leaves and rubbed them all over my body like those typical stoners and boy oh boy did I have a reaction. It was a similar high to the one time I got poison oak on my legs, itchy, scratchy and a bit of irritation. Not sure why so many people like this weed stuff, but it wasn’t for me. Next it was time to tackle this whole Breaking Bad stuff, Mathamphetamine. I knew that my best shot of finding this Math would be a school. I asked some tough looking kids at the 7-11 where to find Math and they pointed me in the right direction. Apparently a teacher was slinging it out of his classroom, the nerve. So I did what any selfrespecting 45-year-old mother of 3 would do… I went undercover as a high school kid to get my Math. Boy oh boy was this easy. This “teacher” was literally giving out homework assignments on this stuff, I repeat, the nerve. So I got an assignment from this teacher and before I knew it I dove head first into Math. Let me tell you, it was scary; there were angles and numbers I’ve never even heard of before. Lets just say my trip into Math won’t be repeated. I decided to leave this whole drug stuff to the kids and keep to my cocaine and ecstasy I’m used to.

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Downer piece

Sarah Godlin, staff

Drugs are like stealing your parent’s car. The more fun you have in the car, the more screwed you are when your parents get it back. You can get away with it a few times, but after a while the repercussions are not worth than the joy ride and you are stealing the car to get to work to pay for gas to steal the car. Man, I am super good at metaphors. As addicted as I am to food, alcohol, social media and body lotion, I am really lucky that I’m not into drugs. The friends that they have destroyed went from regular people with regular parents and regular backgrounds to stinky dead-eyed monsters who have hurt their loved ones beyond belief. Sometimes addiction happens after trauma and sometimes it’s the luck of the draw in your DNA. What if I had liked cocaine as much as I liked slathering myself with body lotion (which I truly do love)? I bet I would have moved on to different, harder drugs. For example, I started with Curel but now my fancy lotion costs $25 for 6 ounces. We can’t all be Chelsea Handler. I’m a downer on drugs. This is a downer piece. Drugs are kinda dumb and they slowly take away the credibility of the person on them. Credibility is worth more than cash money as an adult. And by adult I mean a 35-year-old. No judgement on drugdoers in their 20s. Those are fun drug times. Except for pot. Obviously you should smoke more pot.

I’ll Kill You

Zack Newkirk, staff

I’m gonna kill you, man. Come back here so I can kill you. I’ll kill you, man. What did you say to me? What? What did you -- what? What? What? What? What did you say? What? Say it agai-- what? WHAT? WHAT? What? What? I’ll kill you. Listen my man, kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out. And guess what, bud? You’re “’em all,” and I’m “sort ‘em out.” Or, wait, maybe I’m “kill ‘em all.” And then that guy over there watching this is “God sort ‘em out,” I guess. I dunno. But I’ll kill him too. Or guess what, bro? Maybe he’ll kill me and let you sort ‘em out, bro. What? What? Who did you -- what? What di-- Who? WHO? WHAT? WHAT? I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. Thank you, Zack 74

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Savage Henry Horoscope Aries March 21 to April 19

wherever your dealer tells you to meet him. Just go and get the coke.

The early bird catches the worm, but the opium bird catches the dragon.

Scorpio Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Taurus April 20 to May 20

It may seem like you’ve lost everything, but cheer up. You have plenty of options. PCP can be eaten, smoked, injected AND insufflated!

The people closest to you will really need your support this month, so try to keep an open heart. So…. do you, like, have any coke?

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Your grandma meant well and it was the only gift she could afford. Smile, say thank you and smoke the hell out of those bath salts.

Stay on your toes and be mindful of your surroundings. Are you at a farmer’s market? Ok, then, that’s not the sort of mescaline you are looking for.

Capricorn December 22 to January 19

Cancer June 21 to July 22

Take the time to really think things through before taking action. Not all little kids like puppies or candy. Maybe pickup some of those temporary tattoos.

Don’t take more credit than you deserve when it comes to the positive changes in your friends’ lives. Remember, there’s no “I” in DMT.

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Aquarius January 20 to February 18

Leo July 23 to Aug. 22

The solution to all your problems is right around the corner, as long as your problem is needing more meth.

Dirt don’t hurt. And neither does heroin. Virgo August 23 to September 22

Pisces February 19 to March 20

Be open to unexpected changes, even if, at first, they seem negative. Your penchant for being flexible will really come in handy. That’s such a weird phrase, “Come in handy.” Just repeat it to yourself sorta slow-like. “Come in handy.” It’s so weird and not just because it almost sounds like an innuendo. English is so weird. I don’t think I want the other half of this Cheeba Chew.

Is there more coke? I’ll give you this iPad for some more coke.

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Seriously, though, if you do to many drugs you end up wandering the streets of Eureka. Does that sound fun? Do those folks seem like someone you want to see when you look in the mirror?

-SG

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Libra September 23 to October 22

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Sagittarius November 22 to December 21

Gemini May 21 to June 20

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"I'll watch the bar for you if you hafta poop." - Guy at the Forks, Willow Creek

"If I was not a felon I would vote for Bernie Sanders." - Eureka Vets Hall

"I'm hoping to be reincarnated as a thigh master." - Eureka

“The taxes gave me indigestion.” - Dad from the Wonder Years “Wanna hear joke about my penis? Nevermind... its too long! Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind... you'll never get it!!!” - Nevada City “He helped me pick out same perlite, that's like foreplay these days right?” - Grow store in Arcata

Guy 1: *a bunch nonsense* Guy 2: what? Guy 1: I'm gonna fuck your brains out later - Walmart bathroom

EavesDroppings "i have plenty of Busch under my belt." - Willow Creek

“My generator doesn't run on hopes and dreams!” - Matt in Arcata

“It’s like trying to push a fat dick into a chicken’s ass.” - mama

“Behold! I wet my pants.” - Nevada City “Can you get some coke? ? It's not to party this time. My diet starts tomorrow? Every time I get hungry I'll just do a bump.” - Willow Creek

䄀瘀愀椀氀愀戀氀攀䈀愀最最攀搀Ⰰ 椀渀䈀甀氀欀 ☀ ㄀漀爀㄀⸀㔀夀愀爀搀吀漀琀攀猀䄀猀欀礀漀甀爀氀漀挀愀氀䜀愀爀搀攀渀匀栀漀瀀瀀攀䘀漀爀䐀攀琀愀椀氀猀眀眀眀⸀爀漀礀愀氀最漀氀搀挀漀挀漀⸀挀漀洀 ∠ 䴀愀搀攀䤀渀䠀甀洀戀漀氀搀琀 80

"I like most of the people you turn into." - Alta Sierra

"I just was not impressed with the cannibalism." - Redwood Curtain

“Chicks pussies are so disfigured around here they have urinals in their bathroom” - coopers

"I shit my pants and didn't even remember farting." - Willow Creek

"I didn't know you could taste that far down your throat." - girl at Humboldt State "Some people couldn't be happy if a unicorn stuck a magic wand up their ass and Judy Garland sung somewhere over the rainbow " - pool table banter

"You're about as Indian as my big toe is a banana!" - campground neighbors outside Fresno

You guys’s EavesDroppings lately have been whack. Step up theoverheard game.

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

AILMENT OF THE MONTH Coke Nose If you keep pulling good stuff up there your nose will adjust to allow more good stuff up there. Isn’t the human body amazing?

-SG

next month:

The sleep Issue Wake up!

Snooze! Good God y’all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again!

When DID MY BED GET THIS AWeSOME?!?! Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82

www.savagehenrymagazine

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