Issue #70 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

it's not an abortion issue

Issue #70

MAGAZINE

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we do that facebook thing too.

ALWAYS HAS A PLAN | Monica Durant CLOWN COLLEGE | Sarah Godlin JOSH DUKE | Josh Duke NOT GOING ON A DIET | Chris Durant COVER ARTIST | Sonny Wong SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen OXFORD COMMA | Zack Newkirk PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage COMIC GUY | Nuno Amaral CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid DENVER BUREAU CHIEF | Zeke Herrera CONTRIBUTORS Michel Sargent, Adam Jacobs, Tiffany Greysen, C.B. Kelly, William Toblerone, Tommy Lucero, Sam Greenspan, Seth Milstein, Scott M., Spencer DeVine, Mike Spiegelman, Andrea Bartunek, Gage Hensley, Sean Green, Scott Bowser, Dev Richards, Jeremy Owen, Brian Brooks These fine folks deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Weeda Gauwain - Redding

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR All my egss… Funny how this is the Plan B issue…. cause I ain’t got one. All my eggs are in this basket made out of fart jokes, weed resin and newsprint. And can you believe that the first issue of Savage Henry Magazine (Issue #0) came out in March of 2010? That’s like more than 5 years ago and we’ve been running with this kite ever since. So I’d like to take this time to say thanks to all the readers and picture-looker-atters (I didn’t want to exclude anyone) who have been grabbing this mag from their favorite grow shop, liquor store, dispensary, parole board meeting, for what we can now say is the better part of a decade. Thanks, if you keep reading we’ll keep farting and writing about it! I’d also like to thank the sponsors. They pretty much foot the bill so we can give you guys all these top notch jokes and premium antics. So throw a little business their way if you can and tell ‘em Savage Henry sent you. Thanks, if you keep advertising we’ll keep trying to find other ways to say boob that make us giggle...and write about it! Also, the writers...these guys and gals put in long long hours and have their drafts repeatedly rejected by myself and the other editors because that’s how much we care about the quality of our humor. So thanks guys for plugging along and putting that extra effort in. Thanks, if you keep writing we’ll keep, um, wait….uh...we’ll keep telling your mama jokes about you when you’re not in the vast cavernous offices….and writing about it! Please enjoy issue #70 of Savage Henry Magazine. Chris Durant Publisher Editor

Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville Zeke Herrera - Denver

Advertising advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

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g n i n r a w l a t n e r Pa Plan B might be not having a kid, but maybe that means your plan A was having a kid? And if it was, and you were successful, please realize that this magazine might have inappropriate material for your little planned things. Or maybe Plan A was pulling out. That makes more sense.

Table of shit we found and aren’t sure where it came from. Letters to the Editors..................................................................9

This Shit is for Reels.................................................................. 52

Portuguese Sign Language....................................................11

Restaurant Review..................................................................... 59

Plan B is living in Humboldt..................................................... 15

Reefview Madness.................................................................... 61

New Year’s resolutions that I have already fucked up..17

Six Beers Deep............................................................................63

Is He Into You?............................................................................. 19

Ben’s 10.........................................................................................65

#NewNames with @CornellReid...........................................21

Album Review............................................................................... 67

2016 Presidential Primary: ....................................................23

Are You Lit?................................................................................... 69

A BuzzFeed Report....................................................................23

Monthly Website Suggestion................................................ 71

Plan B(FA)......................................................................................25

Backup Plan for Your Backup Plan........................................ 73

Cliff-Hanker..................................................................................27

Tattoo of the Month.................................................................. 73

Plan B; Couch Reviews..............................................................29

Plan B for Word Games............................................................. 75

You’re Welcome..........................................................................31

Alternative Earths......................................................................77

Plan B Nut......................................................................................33

Savage Henry Horoscope........................................................ 78

License to Cuss..........................................................................35

EavesDroppings..........................................................................81

Sports Gambling Podcast.......................................................37 Financial Advice Column..........................................................39 Savage Henry Top 4................................................................... 41 Catty Mean Girl........................................................................... 41 New Kid on the Block.................................................................43 Updated Boy Scout Merit Badges........................................ 47 Bee Plan......................................................................................... 49 Audio Book Review..................................................................... 51 What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?................................. 51 6

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Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

This issue is one of the most hilarious pieces of work... bravo, my friend. My husband and I can’t stop laughing!

Dear S.H. I was visiting my son and his family somewhere in Rio Dell. I spent 3 weeks there and in between doing nothing he gave me a stack of Savage Henrys. Read them multiple times and here’s the kicker I don’t remember any of its contents. Waiting for new star war issue from my son. Hopefully he won’t forget to send it to me.

Jordon

omments, Send your c rops or attitudes, p r@ lse to edito whatever e om .c e n zi a rymag savagehen stcard ss on the po re d d a e th r O ork too. All below will w m e. s are welco perspective

Thanks from Dixon, Illinois Big D

Ed note: These postcards got lost in the annals of S.H.I.T. for a few months, but we were sure glad to find ‘em when we did. Thanks for sending them in, we love postcards!

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Portuguese Sign Language

William Toblerone, contributor

On a recent trip to Lisbon, Portugal, I encountered these confusing signs scattered throughout the city. Luckily our sherpa was able to translate for us. Drugs are legal in Portugal.

If you continue in this direction, Tom Hanks is going to force you to play a duet with him on his big annoying piano.

She’s already cold and frightened from the crash landing. Please don’t throw that shoe at her

Warning: Portugal has some seriously intense rainstorms. 10

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Quit bullshitting and just be gay.

Speeding on this thoroughfare is punishable by the traditional Ultra-Wedgie Human Piñata treatment.

Holy Shit! Did you see what Continued next page... Miley wore last night? 11

...continued from previous page Portuguese Sign Language

Plan A: Fix cooler then Netflix and Chill.

This last one seems very specific, but it relates to a series of events that are extremely common in Portugal. The intricate steps of this directive are represented in five crucial symbols. 1. So they broke your window again. That window was dirty anyway. Now you can enjoy a clear view of the sun while you savor a delicious lollipop. 2. It is now evident that you needed that window pane to contain your precious air conditioning. Now your house is so hot that your poor feet are melting to the floor. Do not panic. It’s time for you leave the world you once knew. 3. You will not need your belongings. They will only remind you of the past. Now that your feet are horribly disfigured you must leave the country to start a new life before your family sees the beast you have become. Call an Uber to the airport. 4. It’s a good thing you are leaving now, because the notorious Floating Creeper Hand is at your back door and he’s wearing his strangling glove.

To be continued...

-SG

5. Dumbass! We said to call Uber, not Lyft! Everyone knows that most Lyft “cars” are really just two refrigerator boxes taped together. Useless. Now you will never make it to the airport. Hurry down into your tornado shelter and stay there until starvation ends your shame.

V Town Derby Dames vs. Redwood Rollers

FEBRUARY 20TH

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Plan B is living in Humboldt

Sarah Godlin, staff

You can’t run away to be a clown if you are from Humboldt. The way it works now is you graduate from your HSU Arts program, your parents give you some $$ and you end up in Blue Lake and it’s all kinda legitimate. Which sucks, because that sounds like a plan A with plan B sprinkles. What is a legitimate plan B, then? Growing the weed? Nope. That’s legit too, now. You can even instagram your whole season and no one will bat an eye. Hula Hoopist? Psssshhhhh, I know one that makes more money than me. I cry real tears as I type that, but it doesn’t make it less true. The truth is that living in this county is Plan B for so many of the people who weren’t born here. It was for me. I couldn’t hack it in Santa Barbara and I needed to be somewhere 2 dollars would stretch further than a latté addition.

Stock up on cloning supplies!

The real plan A, only for the folks who moved here, was working in accounting for the Honda dealer in your home town. You’d have gone to high school with your boss and your next door neighbor and the lady who works at the water store. Screw a bunch of that! (no offense to everyone I went to HSU with). Plan B was moving to Humboldt and, like, seeing how it goes, man. And it either goes or doesn’t depending on how well you fit into a weird place where fire dancing is an actual career option. Conversely, though, If you are born here, Plan B is going out into the actual world and wearing khakis.

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Mckinleyville Open: M - F 10am to 6pm Closed: Sat/Sun 707.840.0269 2330 Central Avenue Just North of A & L Feed Store

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Ancient artS TATTOOING &PIERCING.

New Year’s resolutions that I have already fucked up. 1. For 2016, I have decided that I need to stop holding grudges and blaming other people for my problems. I get that from my dad. Fucking dick. 2. Get younger. 3. Remember to brush my teeth BEFORE I take a dump.

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4. Find Alan Rickman and say, "Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker!" 5. Refrain from wearing socks when I am making love. It makes it really hard to get my dick in. 6. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess.

OPEN

Dutch Savage, staff

Any piercing only

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7. Stop repeating yourself so much. 8. Stop repeating yourself so much. 9. "Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it".

Huge Selection Of Affordable Body Jewelry

10. Write a piece called “Plan B From Inner Space” for the February 2016 edition of Savage Henry Independent Times.

( I wrote this in memory of The Dave, without whom I would still be farting and wasting it. Thanks Uncle Dave.)

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Is He Into You?

Tiffany Greyson, contributor

Six Simple Ways to Tell if He Wants to See Your Vagina Again So let’s just say you find yourself in a situation like this*: You go out on a Friday night to hang out with some friends and you kind of like the one guy, "John," and the two of you are really hitting it off, and after a few hours of talking, 12 mozzarella sticks, five vodka cranberries, and three shots of fireball you think he could be the one. The night progresses and you end up at his place. As you walk in you find yourself covering one eye so you can get a good look at his house. You wonder what it would be like living there with him and your three cats (but you may have wondered that aloud, you're not sure, you think you didn’t, but can’t remember… you probably didn’t.) You both sit down, you start to make out... then it happens. He takes you to his bedroom and you let him put his penis in you. It’s the next morning. After throwing up for several hours, you know it’s probably time to go because he's out of clean towels and he’s waiting at the door, rattling his keys, ready to drive you back to your car. Here are a few simple ways to tell if he really liked you or if he just fucked you because that whore Jessica had already left. 1. On the way back to your car, when he stopped at the pharmacy, did he buy you the “real” Plan B, or save $3.29 and buy you the generic Plan B? 2. Did he pull over and make you take the generic Plan B right in front of him and wait to make sure you didn’t throw it up? And when you did throw it up did he yell at you? 3. When he went back to the pharmacy for a second box, did he shut the door gently and lovingly, or did he slam the door so hard you peed yourself a little? 4. When he brought you the second box of Plan B did he buy you the “real” version this time, and did he just toss it on your lap? 5. When you arrived at your car but had to go back to his place because you left your coat with your keys at his house, did he answer you when you asked him repeatedly what was wrong? 6. When you finally parted ways, did he ask if he could see your vagina again or was he mad when you told him that you had had your tubes tied?

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*hypothetical story

Savage Henry’s Interactive Game:

#NewNames with @CornellReid

Cornell Reid, staff

This month: ALTERNATE NAMES FOR THIS MAGAZINE Toilet Paper Satan’s Bible Prayboy MADD Magazine Trustafarian Times Human Trash Ramblings Monthly The New Porker Manatee Hair (Like Vanity Fair) Mensa 4 Dummies The Hobos Buzzfeed No Entertainment Monthly Growshop Ads (Now With Less Articles!) Rolling Stoner THIS MONTHS WINNER Snorts Illustrated (by Dutch Savage) Next issue is Narcotics. Do you have a good drug kingpin name? Tweet it to @cornellreid on Twitter with the hashtag #newnames & I’ll feature my favorites in the next issue.

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2016 Presidential Primary: A BuzzFeed Report

Zack Newkirk, staff

OMG moment: you guys, Bernie Sandwich is gonna win this thing. As a staunch feminist and fan of Jimmy Fallon and Channing Tatum, this makes me mad. What is happening to this country? I am a reporter for the news, and when I was born in 1998, this country was about News and Gosling and Beards. Now it's about other beards and different news and some black guy? WTF? I am upset, but my editor said not to write about it in first person. Hillary Cimtoln is the best for women and blacks, basically, tho. Did u see what Patton Oswalt said? I won't talk about it much here, but I have another 40-plus articles to go about his lack of chill. He says he's a staunch progressive, but aside from his words and voting record and twitter account and media presence and actions, all I have to go on is a joke I was offended by as someone who didn't see the show, and I for one am furious. Eat organic. The banning of DDT may be liable for the death of 200 million plus people worldwide, but did u hear about what someone on Facebook said about Caitlyn Jenner? I'm anti-pro-life and I think I should be allowed to terminate a pregnancy until the girl Rocco put in me is 18, but that Facebook meme guy should probzazly be executed by hanging by Glorninga Stweimeng and Ruth Baver Gimsferd or whatever. Weeknd? Did u guys see the season finale of Farbo? OMG moment: when the thing and the thing and the thing and the thing and the -Politics are so whatever, and the voice of the ppl and the thing; Batman vs. Superman abs; Pandora is murder. Also, like, what about college? It's expensive, and my parents own ten blocks of Brooklyn, but that doesn't mean they can pay 4 me 2 go to college, so it's like even tho Bernie is syng free colge, im like ;'wuit abt hilary and the womyns' .. Hay an Kanye wStg saiug th thing wher he sad bill cosbe is nincont mnnkjns nhjk won k.m.ii ui./// Bimante Marie Stonefeld, BuzzFeed Staff

www.GrahamsBrand.com 22

@GrahamsBrand www.savagehenrymagazine

Plan B(FA)

Science-based solutions for your growing needs.

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Everyone knows that when you go to art school you’ll most likely end up behind a front desk and not a professional artist. Even if you are still making art, you’re probably just instagramming it and nothing else. Sorry but you’ll only get 30 likes anyway. When you go to art school and receive a BFA, everything you do from there is plan B. Art school in itself could be plan B. What’s plan A? Plan A is you should have gotten a degree in something lucrative. Just go work in an art store. Then you will get a discount to “use your degree.”

The best backup plan for your garden is to not need one in the first place...

Turns out there are a lot of plan Bs, so your life will be fine. Just as convenient as the actual plan B pill. Finding a job on craigslist is an option, or you could sell your dirty underwear to freaks on the internet. If being an artist isn’t working out for you (let’s be real, it isn’t), then you could get a job in the customer service industry. That’s plan C. When your plan B(FA) falls through, go with Plan C, for customer service. You will have to smile a lot, and your general view of people will be forever ruined. They will

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Andrea Bartunek, contributor treat you like an idiot and you might have to constantly remind yourself that you did go to college. When you get a job that someone with a high school degree could get and you have a college degree, you will for sure have an existential crisis. Fortunately, those are prevalent to the life of an art student, so you are prepared to handle it. Using your Plan B(FA) is actually not that difficult if you want to intern for free in an art gallery or get paid minimum wage to stand in a contemporary museum. Then people will ask you what art is all day long. Having to explain that the air conditioner isn’t a sculpture gets tedious. Sometimes the art is a burrito and you have to tell people not to eat it. Who just sees a burrito laying on a windowsill in an art museum and just eats it? A lot of people, actually. It was delicious. So use your Plan B(FA) to your advantage and start calling everything art. Start calling yourself art. You are a live sculpture, you are eating a burrito. and it is delicious.

Cliff-Hanker Episode 5: Plan B(low)

Seth Milstein, contributor

J.J. Abrams caught up with Hank on the other side of the mall. After a quick and confusing back and forth Abrams wrote him a regular sized check for $10,000. Hank took it reluctantly in good faith and headed straight for the bank where he was able to cash it since it was not a prop. He began shopping for clothes that weren’t makeshift tattered remnants of the ones he’d destroyed with the gastro-intestinal aftermath of a post amputation drug fueled gambling fit. He then called a cab to take him to his apartment which he’d been trying to get back to for almost a week even though cultural context clues would indicate that he’d been away for several months. Arriving home was a real wake up call. Hank had been away long enough that he’d forgotten what a mess his life was to begin with. The whole place stunk. Every surface was littered with empty fast food containers and booze bottles. Weed stems everywhere in between. Video game still paused on the TV. When he left here, he felt like he was living a dream. He’d moved here to be in the weed business and stay stoned always. Now he wanted out. Hank needed a new plan he thought as he started bagging up the trash around his place. He thought of the things he wanted in his life now. More money. Better occupational status. A better life to come home to. He realized that his cat was missing and searched around expecting to find a kitty corpse dead from starvation. He winced as he looked under chairs and tables but only found the more reasons to lean toward a change in lifestyle. Hank then noticed that the screen in one of the open windows had been clawed open just enough that a cat’s body could fit through. Hank’s cat jumped ship. He felt hopeless as he faced the reality that the drug game is all he knew. He’d dropped out of high school to deal dime bags to other kids. Never went to college so he could move to the west coast and learn to grow. That was a few years back and he was still in the trim rooms because he just has a personality that people didn’t want him to succeed. He decided to do what his skills and personality afforded him…deal coke.

- C.B. Kelly 26

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Plan B; Couch Reviews

C.B. Kelly, contributor

To any fans of my previous journalistic endeavors, I am sorry to inform you that comedy writing just isn't for me. Making myself laugh just wasn't enough to pay the rent, so last month I hit the pavement, homeless, in search of my new calling. After a week of chugging plastic bottle liquor, eating other people's Ramen, and sleeping with any girl that offered me a bed, I found myself losing that writing edge. Then it hit me, like a sack of oranges to the testicles: Couch Reviews! Right off the top, I noticed how lame the service was at the couch I was crashing, so I started there.

A review of Adam's Couch:

Located inside a small two bedroom apartment, this couch features a coffee stain made in 2003, three cushions, and no springs. The arms are kinda high for resting your head on, so make sure to bring a sweatshirt you can roll up and use as a pillow. The refrigerator here at Adam's Couch has been scant, so I scraped the counter top for pizza crust droppings, and might I add that 1999 was a great year for pizza crust droppings. After having some trouble with the wifi, I was finally able to phone in to the concierge and order up some dab service, which came with my choice of half of a day old Pabst, or a shot of Black Velvet to pair. Expect to sleep with not one, but 8 cats, some of which have never seen the outside world. Of course, if you are a fan of cats, you will be pleasantly surprised to find that all the cats here at Adam's Couch are angry and in heat 24/7, allowing for just the right amount of screeching, meowing and clawing during your resting hours. Roommates may or may not show up in the middle of the night, but you can be sure that if they do, you will most likely be woken up by way of drunken Tom Foolery. I never asked for a wakeup call, but lucky for me, Adam is right there at 6 in the morning to get me up so he can play his Xbox "on the big screen", a 14 inch vhs player combo television. Overall, I would say it was a horrible experience, but I will most certainly be back to stay again. I rate Adam's Couch three and a half sticky pennies.

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You’re Welcome

Gage Hensley, contributor

Too many times have we been caught red-handed with our dicks in them. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m tired of having a red dick. So, out of sheer frustration and pure embarrassment, I've come up with sure fire ways to get you out of some common jams you probably shouldn't have gotten yourself into in the first place. I haven’t exactly tested any of these out in the “field,” but on paper… it looks pretty goddamn foolproof. Plan A: You’re late for work so you decide to speed. Reason for failure: Boyz n’ Blue light ‘em up. Plan B: You can’t stop for a cop if you can’t see the lights, so guess who’s color blind? Now, you may have to start this early by telling the DMV prior that you’re vision-tarded, which may technically make that a plan A.

Plan A: Someone hands you a baby. Reason for failure: You drop the “ball” on the lateral. Plan B: Explain to these amateurs that pushing the bird out the the nest isn’t just a metaphor, it’s the quickest route to a successful toddler. Remind these people to thank you when their sidewalk baby creates the next ipod or facebook. Plan Double B (or C): You may have released the baby, but it was gravity who sent it hurtling to the earth like a skydiver on his last run. We’ve been carrying gravity’s weight around our whole lives, so I think it can take the “fall” on this one.

• • •

Plan A: You had a long night, so you sneak in a few Z’s at work while the boss isn’t looking. Reason for Failure: He/She looked. Plan B: Now, before you panic, He doesn’t technically know you’re still alive. This is going to take some serious acting on your part: 1. Don’t open your eyes 2. Don’t laugh when they touch you in places they knew they couldn’t when they thought you were alive. 3. When your boss nudges you with his nose to confirm the kill, you will have to soil yourself to show you’ve passed. 4. When the paramedic arrives, first chance you get make a deal that if he plays along you’ll let him catch up on his own sleep on the way back to the hospital.

• •

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Plan B Nut

Adam Jacobs, contributor

We’ve all been there -- it’s late and you are buzzed, but your girl’s puss is bloodier than Leo in The Revenant. What do you do when it’s your girl’s time of the month but you are hornier than a preacher in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit??? Well, I always ask for anal, but if you haven’t gotten it yet then you never will, so we need a plan B. Going to bed without releasing your demons isn’t healthy for anyone, especially your boxers, ‘cause they will be filled to the J in Jockey with nocturnal emissions. Here are my top choices for a plan B nut.

Release yo self

Masturbation is the easy way out, but it’s so 2000 and late. Jerkin’ your gherkin may seem like a fun time, but we all know that it’s great during, then the second you finish it quickly becomes sad and embarrassing. So tug your pug if you gotta release your bad seed all over your Sublime LP, but let’s explore some more enticing options.

Syringe your testicles

This may sound extreme, and it most certainly is. I don’t recommend this to anyone who is squeamish or a punk-ass beyotch. Basically, you are sticking a syringe into your ballsack and sucking out the baby batter. I always find syringes in the alley behind the liquor store, so they are readily available. Just jab that rusty metal into your yam bag and pull out those yucky stuckys. (Don’t really do this, you dumb shit.)

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Vacuum your wiener

I don’t know what you guys vacuum with, but I’m a Dyson man: strong suction without any bullshit. Turn on your vacuum; jam your willy in the tube section -- not the part with the rotating blade, I repeat, NOT THE PART WITH THE ROTATING BLADE -- and let the Dyson do work, son. If you can stand the initial pain, the vacuum will eventually drain you dry. Now just suck up some saw dust and the cleanup is done. Off to bed.

Cut your balls off

Talk about extreme… I only recommend this strategy if you also ate some bad Humboldt LSD and you kinda wanted to chop that skin sack off anyway. This will definitely get rid of that pesky ball bag that keeps sticking to your leg in the hot summer, so swing away, champ. I can’t honestly recommend this, but if you are dumb enough to actually do it, then you prolly shouldn’t procreate.

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This is your LAST RESORT. These slutty cowgirls will come over and pull your pecker if you mention either John Deere or wear overalls in your profile pic. There is nothing in the world sluttier than a country girl who is from a town of only three eligible bachelors and two of them are her brothers. You may have to marry this chick, ‘cause I’m sure her daddy has a shotgun in his truck, and she most likely is already pregnant with her brother’s baby. Whatever you do, make sure you get rid of all that man chowder before bed, ‘cause nobody wants to wake up stuck by their penis to the sheets. Jizz on fellas, and ladies too; fuck it, literally. www.savagehenrymagazine

License to Cuss

r e t a w e v r e s con H T I W S T N E I R & NUT m e t s y s p i r d a talk with our on staff drip expert

Zack Newkirk, staff

I'm 18 today, you bastards, and guess what? You can't tell my butt what to do anymore. I'm heading down to the gas station to buy some skoal and a lighter, and there's nothing you can do about it. And guess what? I'm gonna damn cuss whenever I want from now on. HELL frickin' yeah. I get to vote now, you melon farmers. Hope you like damn change, hell. And guess what? I'm done with school. You can't make me go back for another senior year. This mother fudger is gettin' his butt a JOB, damn. Gonna move out into Klayden's mom's place and just puff cigs and eat candy all damn day. The hell with your rules, you spitheads. And guess what? You can't tell me to wear a helmet when I'm blastin' around on my Huffy anymore. And guess what? I'm gonna get a tattoo and hang out with black people. Hope you hellfaces like damn butt rebels for sons. Can I have twenty bucks? Me and Klayden are gonna go see Deadpool.

Plan A: Stop in for ONE beer and then head directly to the cleaners to drop off my bear suit.

Plan B:

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-SG www.savagehenrymagazine

Sports Gambling Podcast

Sean Green, contributor

Plan A was to win a ton of money gambling on the Super Bowl, but you’re one of the millions of losers who didn’t win. Don’t worry. Enter Plan B: This failsafe list of ways to win back that easy money you missed out on during the big game.

1. Fix A Small-Time College Basketball Game This mob secret has been out for years and yet still people are failing to capitalize on this proven money-making target. Step one: Befriend the starting point guard at a small time college. Once you’ve established his trust convince him to throw a game by turning the ball over and missing free throws. If he hesitates remind him that “it’s hard to make a layup with a broken arm” and leave him with an Indian burn to let him know you mean business. Bet against his team and sit back and watch the cash come in. It’s so easy even Henry Hill, the worst gangster of all time, could pull it off, and you’re smarter than Henry Hill, right?

2. Rig The Presidential Election First, take all the money you can get your hands on and bet on Bernie Sanders to win the Presidential Election at +350. Next, hire some Mr. Robot type hacker guy who also is into Bernie Sanders and vaping. Vaping is important, because you can’t trust a hacker who doesn’t vape. Next tell that guy to hack all the voting machines he can get his hands on. Make it impossible for anyone to vote for anyone except Bernie Sanders. You’ll make a ton of cash and the plus side is once Bernie is President, people will be too busy enjoying the Sanders utopia to investigate you and your hacker buddy, so you’re good, man.

3. Fall In Love With A WNBA Player As a sports fan and gambler you already love the WNBA. Those gals put the fun in fundamentals. However, this plan is a little more complex. First, start out as a fan, then slowly woo one of the players; this may take some time. Once you fall in love, move in with her and spend the next few years building an amazing relationship built on trust and unconditional love. Then when the biggest game of her career approaches tell her it’s done and it was a sham relationship the whole time. Man, she will be really upset. Hell hath no fury like a scorned WNBA superstar. Then bet your entire life savings on her team that night. That extra adrenaline and anger she’ll bring to the court will surely be the difference and definitely cover the spread. Doesn’t get any easier money that that. I may of stolen most of this concept from the plot of Juwanna Mann.

4. “Sell” Lottery Tickets Here’s the thing: statistically it’s impossible to win the lottery. So next time everyone in your office gets Powerball fever, get them all to chip in and buy a bunch of tickets. Then instead of wasting money buying lottery tickets, print out an old lottery ticket that has already won. No way Powerball is going to win the same time with the same numbers. Then photocopy the printed-out ticket and hang on your office fridge. People will think it’s legit, and you’re on your way to easy street with some free money. Hopefully these helpful tips can get you back on your feet after what was probably a devastating Super Bowl for you personally. 36

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Financial Advice Column

Scott Bowser, contributor

Two Steps Forward and So Forth Finances can be a difficult thing for everyone. Sometimes instead of opting for Plan B it is better to stay the course with Plan A, or else you risk a certain type of torment that will cause ulcers. I am speaking from experience here. You see, I left my job as a prep cook in a chain restaurant and got a job in business management… and it was the worst financial decision I have ever made. Okay, that's drastic. I've quit jobs with no backup and that was far worse. But this sucks. Granted, the cooking job paid less per hour and I get weekends/holidays/benefits at the new gig, but let's dig deeper. I was able to ride my bike to the kitchen, and when I did take the Metro I qualified for a company pass that cost $110 for the year. At the new job I pay $25 a week for the Metro pass that I have to get (I don't own a car) and take a two-bus commute (that challenges my sanity). My blood pressure has been a constant battle during this period and the medical costs haven't been cheap. Even with the insurance. Riding my bike to work every day was keeping that away before. At the restaurant I got shift meals. I could stretch that for two meals a day, plus I was able to take home scraps that kept my girlfriend and I more than fed. My food budget was next to nothing. I'm now spending at least $50-75 a week on lunches because taking your lunch to work is a horrible option when having to travel across Los Angeles on public transit. It is going to taste like pee by the time you get to work no matter what. Also my coworkers suck and they make the break room more awkward than Crispin Glover interviews. The transportation and food is a rough $4,000-$5,000 dollar swing per year. But there's more: I was able to pile up overtime in the kitchen, which would be free labor on my salary now. I also miss out on the holiday pay offered for working Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. which I loved because it was double time with OT. To really punish me I now owe in taxes for some evil reason (this is the torment) because my salary paid me barely enough to survive. Add another $1,500 to my losses on the year and I'm losing $5500-6500 a year by switching from a kitchen to an accounting office. Sometimes you think Plan B is the right choice, all while Plan A was the right answer all along. Excuse me while I cry.

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Savage Henry Top 4

Zack Newkirk, staff

Oh yeah, baby. Time for that top four! Let's count down, and I know you know the words! Haha. Ok, here we go: 4: Joseph Stalin Hitler gets all the press, but what about this guy? Better mustache, better ding-a-ling from what I've heard! Haha! YEAH. And HEYELLL YEAAA he loved Satan, too! DOUBLE-DOWN!! 3: Joseph Stalin Hey, how did this dude get such a bad rep, huh? WOW! Haha. Anyways, seriously, look into his ideology. Deserves a second look! 2: Joe Stalin Look, dude had the body of an oily WWE boy, good lib policies, wanted best for the people, loved the pot, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc 1: Josef Stalin Daaaaaaang it's ya boy HOSEFFFFFF STALLLLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN really an effective leader if you look into it, and anyone who doesn't appreciate the idea of a socialist utopia and can't see how pressures from the West and the outcomes of WWII led to the marginal failure of the Soviet communist system due to internal imperialistic remnants who poisoned the greater Ed. -- That’s all the space we have this issue.

Catty Mean Girl

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New Kid on the Block

Isaac Kozell, staff

The Joshua Barnes Interview Hey gang, meet Joshua Barnes, one of the newest comics on the Humboldt scene. Not just a newbie to Northern California, he’s also a new comic, having clocked in just over a year of stand-up. But don’t let his short time doing comedy fool you. The kid has it. I talked to Barnes about his journey to Humboldt, his time spent as a rapper and his main comedy influence.

Isaac Kozell: You've got a wife of five years and a three-year-old child. Does life with them make it into your comedy material? Joshua Barnes: A lot of my stuff comes from my life in general. Plenty of jokes about my kid and a lot of stuff I've seen because of him. I've watched more kids' shows and seen more Disney movies than I would have liked to. I now pick up on different things from movies and things that I probably wouldn't have seen before. IK: Where are you from originally? JB: I came here (Humboldt) from Riverside, like about an hour and half outside of L.A. I'm originally from Washington, D.C. I lived in Charlotte for a little bit too, about six years. IK: How did you end up in California? JB: The military got me out here. I lived in D.C. My mom and dad didn't really like what was going on up there at the time, a lot of drugs, stuff like that in the ‘80s and ‘90s. They decided we were going to move to Charlotte, which wasn't that much better. I joined the military from Charlotte and ended up in California about six years later. IK: You started comedy shortly before you moved to Humboldt, right? JB: Yeah. In L.A. IK: That's a hard market to get a start in. How was it for you starting out? JB: I actually signed up for a class. There is a thing in Orange County called The Orange County Crazies. I guess they used to be some big group back in the day. I wanted to do stand-up because all of my friends had been trying to talk me into doing it. Before stand-up I rapped a lot. I enjoyed that, but what I was looking for was actually inside of comedy. I thought that if I wanted to do something I should have an idea of what I'm doing, not just try to jump out there and try to do it. So I signed up for this stand-up class in Orange County and that's what 42

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actually got me my first show. The shows I got after that were because of it too. IK: So you got booked early, but did you also get out to the mics and meet other comics? What was your strategy? JB: The weird thing is I didn't know the process of how it was done. I had never done an open mic until I moved up here. It was a bit overwhelming at first. I didn't know what to expect. When I took the class they said, “When you go to these open mics this is what it's going to be like.” But I wasn't really expecting what I saw at the open mics, which was a lot of polished comedians killing it. Of course you have a couple that suck. But most of the comedians who were there you could tell that they took their craft very seriously. I did well. I was surprised I did well. It took me a while to get over the nervousness. IK: When you were rapping were you performing in public or just making music at home? JB: I did a ton of shows. Granted, I obviously wasn't famous or anything. But I was out there performing, trying to get exposure and stuff. But I definitely like comedy more. IK: Why is that? JB: As much as I enjoy making music, being an East Coast type rapper, you want to say something cool with a punchline or something to get a response. Throughout time, more and more people started getting obsessed with “How does this beat make me feel?” as opposed to the words. I could say a cool punchline and it wouldn't matter. For instance, one of my favorite punchlines from around when I first started was kind of based around the Biggie premise of talking to girls. I said, “I'm the new Continued next page... 43

Joshua Barnes, continued from previous page... age Juicy/Xbox, PS2, bitches try and seduce me/All type of girls want in on the action/Black, Puerto Rican, Asian all want me to smash 'em.” Then the punchline would come in and I wouldn't get the response I wanted. “Even white girls trying to get me to smash 'em/To get black up in their system like affirmative action.” People would just be like, “Uh...” And I would be like, “Did you just miss the fuck I just said?” A lot of my songs had a lot of punchlines that I wanted people to catch on to, but nobody cared. But if you go do a comedy show people are there to actually listen to what you have to say, as opposed to trying to dance. I didn't realize that was what I actually wanted until I started doing comedy.

change it because I'm just trying to tell what I do.

IK: I've done shows in Humboldt and have at times felt that - due to the amount of psychedelics that people are doing - sometimes I have to switch up the pace of my delivery to adjust to the crowd. As someone who knew their punchlines were being missed in rap, have you had to adjust your stand-up style to connect to a more chill, laid back crowd?

IK: A lot of comics in their first year are heavily influenced by their favorite comics. Is there anyone who helped shaped your style? Is there anyone that you aspire to be?

JB: No, I actually haven't. That's the weird thing. I think it gives me a different feel from everybody else. There are a lot of drug references and I don't really have a ton of that material because I haven't really done any drugs in the past 15 years because of the military. But it gives me an edge in the sense of like, a lot of people don't talk about the day to day rigamarole shit. My stuff is more openly relatable. I mean, when I talk about being in an interracial relationship, that's not something everybody can relate to. But at the same time, I don't

IK: I think one edge you have is that if you're not totally immersed in the culture, you can present an outside perspective and say, “This is how the rest of the world works,” and make it funny. JB: I enjoy that. Another thing I talk about is how difficult it is feeling like you're one of only eight black people up here. Like, “You don't know how difficult that is. Every time I go to the gym I get picked first. People expect me to be LeBron James. I have to ball.” I would tell a joke like that, but I wouldn't tell a joke about how I've literally been called “nigger” four times since I've been up here.

JB: I always loved and admired Dave Chapelle. Hands down my favorite comedian. I watch a lot of comedy and Dave Chapelle is the only one that I will watch repeatedly. I would say he has a heavy influence because of the cleverness behind his jokes. There's a guy coming up now who I think could be as big as Chapelle: Jerrod Carmichael. I feel like they're kind of cut from the same cloth. IK: Any shows coming up that you would like to promote? JB: Yeah. February 13th I'm doing Make Me Laugh at the Palm Lounge. March 8th David Gborie is coming up and I'm opening that show. March 17th - 19th we're hitting San Francisco, Marysville and Tahoe. Follow Joshua on Twitter @JBarnesIsMental

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Updated Boy Scout Merit Badges

Chris Durant, staff

Plan B. Those who have a Plan B are probably really prepared. And who are the most prepared people today? That’s right. Boy Scouts. But did you know that the Boy Scout merit badges haven’t been updated since 1956? Well it’s true. Next month the Boy Scouts of America will be adding a few new merit badges to modernize the organization. Our insiders got an early glimpse and passed them along to us.

Smuggling 100 Kilos into Miami

Eating an Arabic Hostess Cupcake on a skateboard

Getting shitfaced on 20 PBRs

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Dabs

Shoulder tapping

Skanking

Hygiene

Escaping from Alcatraz

Wearing Timberlands

Identify theft

Peyote

9/11 Truther

Money over bitches

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Casey Kasem

Gumption 47

Bee Plan

Spencer DeVine, contributor

Individuality is lame. Allow me to explain.

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You know who doesn't have that issue? Bees. Bees can create amazingly complex architectural structures, and keep the goddamn ecosystem running, and they're a fraction of our size. If we were all a little more like our buzzing buddies, the ineffectiveness of human cooperation would be a thing of the past. Imagine if everyone was on the same page like bees. We'd kick major ass. The plan: experimental testing on the human genome . If we were all part-bee, chances are the human race could adapt to its work ethic and organizational tendencies. Now, I'll admit that I'm not much of a geneticist, but hell, I'm sure we can find one crazy enough to try some sketchy animal integrations. A project like this could immediately get someone into any scientific journal they wanted, and if TV has taught me anything about scientists, they love journals. There's bound to be some issues with physical integrity and mutation, so we may get a couple of Jeff Goldblum cases where subjects end up as masses of human and bee parts; science, however is a cold and unforgiving mistress, and these mistakes will soon be forgotten in the name of her glory and innovation.

Beyond the ability to work as a seamless unit, becoming a bee-human hybrid has other immeasurable advantages. How about the ability to potentially grow wings and fly? No one can say that wouldn't be super cool. Also, I don't know about y'all, but I think having a giant stinger for protection would be very comforting when walking alone at night in the dangerous parts of town. Are there ethical concerns to experimental testing, you might ask? Well, it's happening as we speak; maybe not in the direction of bee-humans, but for sure some other questionable scientific shenanigans are going down. That being said, trying to stop scientific progress such as this bee plan is like a Corgi puppy trying to stop Lebron in one-on-one. Will this plan keep you from having babies? Hardly; with any luck the bee genes will allow us to have multiple times the babies.

Photo by Dutch Savage 48

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Audio Book Review

Sarah Godlin, staff

Off to Be the Wizard by Scott Meyer Narrated by Luke Daniels HAAAHAAAHHHHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHHlololol Rating: 5 stars PS: If life is a computer program and you found the coding, wouldn't you make yourself rich? Martin Banks did. Then he got in trouble, so he googled “best time to be a wizard” and changed his parameters to the middle ages to hide. When he gets there he finds a bunch of other computer hackers who did the same thing. Boom. Super magical wizards who all still had access to the big code of life. This book is fantastic for computer nerds and magic dorks and kids and nurses and zookeepers and plumbers and the guy at Ace who follows you around asking if you’re finding everything alright. No real need of any previous computer knowledge necessary. It’s just fun and funny.

What’s In the Crackpipe This Month?

SHNITZEL

Who knew smashing the crap out of a boneless porkchop, dragging it through equally smashed pretzels and then frying it could be so delicious? Well, anyone. That sounds delicious. But take it from a person who didn’t eat pork all her life: these things are worth being a bad Jew. -SG 50

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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF||| When you can't regular-birth babies, try Test Tube Babies (1948), where they ask the big questions like, "Why can't things be like always?" After a written introduction that lays out the entire movie, it unfolds in terrible soap opera-like melodrama. To keep you watching, there’s halfnaked dance numbers and topless girl-on-girl battles thrown in.

When a second-rate, down-on-his-luck hypnotist can't make it on local television, he starts The Love Cult (1966), preaching fiery sermons about love, joining at the crotches, and "the climax of the now.” A rich nympho opens up her house and legs, tempting the fateful Mansoning/Jonesing/Koreshing that free-love cults tend to cultivate.

Mundo Depravados (World of the Depraved) (1967) is a terribly-written murder mystery with a peeping tom TV dancercise leader, incompetent cops, a peeping tom elevator operator, weird boring sex scenes, and a "sex monster.” Plan B is watching anything else.

A harassed teen woman, en route to be forced into Slaves In Bondage (1937), chooses plan B; Jumping from the car of her fondler while the driver laughs about "pulling a boner.” The working girls leer hungrily at one another, a manicure shop caters seemingly only to men, and a very-friendly-with-each-other male slapstick duo entertains no one. Continued next page...

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Continued from previous page... Gonks Go Beat (1965) is a terribly-shot on-stage with obviously painted backdrops and super cool mod vs rockers musical. The Space Council is concerned about a war on Earth between the lands of Balladisle and Beatland, so an inept Martian is sent to make peace; but the soft swaying vs. wild swingin' feud forces him to plan B: Romeo and Juliet the two lands together. The "Romeo" is sent to prison and subjected to a 9-person drum jam (INCREDIBLE!), resulting in an epic musical band army rock and roll battle (WTF!), and climaxing in a battle of the bands to claim the honored "Golden Guitar," with the losers getting their gear confiscated for 10 months. Damn!

Confessions of a Psycho Cat (1968) begins with a woman at a party disturbed by everyone fornicating nakedly and upset that there's "nothing stronger here than pot, like real ‘narcotics.’” The "narcotics" dealer is being chased by a crazy woman who is upset that she couldn't go on safari. Plan B is she offers $100,000 to the dealer, a snobbish theatre actor, and an arrogant pro-wrestler if they can survive her hunting skills for 24 hours. Producers weren't impressed with the original "horror" part of the story so 2 years after production decided plan B was better and added the naked orgy party.

Continued next page... 54

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Continued from previous page...

|THE|END|

When plan B fails there’s always Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), the original best worst movie and Ed Wood’s “Citizen Kane” (though his previous failures are pretty spectacular). When all other plans fail, condescending skirt-wearing space beings in flying pie tins create a 3-person army of controllable zombies in an effort to force earthlings to “accept their existence and believe in the facts…”

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Restaur ant Review Papa Wheelies McKinleyville, CA Sarah Godlin, staff McVillians rant about the lack of diverse restaurant options almost as much as they rant about the teen spraypaint gang. At least one of these situations was remedied by the opening up of Papa Wheelies in the old Crab Shack. Its previous tenants served Mexican food. You know, next to the Mexican food truck and down the street from all the other Mexican food? I had a BLT and a salad. Ok, and a grilled cheese, why am I even trying to lie? I also wanted a coffee. The cook didn’t have any but she french-pressed me a cup out of the press she brought from home for herself. Ii was very nice of her. Everything was fresh and wholesome, like a boy scout in line at a toy store with a box of lincoln logs under his arm wholesome. It made sense when I learned that the owner was a local farmer. Good for them. They might want to consider a selection of non beer drinks; fancy Root Beer and Iced Tea. Things kids and people who aren’t allowed to drink anymore can wash their meals down with. Although, the cook did make me that coffee! The bill was slow in coming, but it had gotten really, really busy. The waiter was my instagram friend @niksuspect. Isn’t the future cool? 4 out of 5 stars and a bonus star for filling a need in Mckinleyville And all the luck we have to offer! Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. Picture = extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 or godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com

WANT LAND? NEED A HOUSE? BUYING OR SELLING PROPERTY?

Plan A: Hire an 18 wheeler.

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Plan B:

NO BULLSHIT, JUST RESULTS.

-SG

LIC. # 01438846 58

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Reefview Madness

Scott M., contributor

Goin’ Vape SHIT This issue I’m gonna talk about a couple of dab vape pen handheld devices. Shit, to be honest with you, I’m not sure if they’re vape or dabs or both. Kids today making it all complicated. These are battery operated devices that take dabs/shatter/hash balls/shards/chunks.

Jack’s Extracts - Vape Pen I like the globe design -- you can see what’s happening, and since I don’t know what I’m doing with these damn things half the time, I usually don’t know if it’s actually working or not. The sample that was provided with the the pen was top-notch. The pen keeps a long charge and the pack I got came with all the necessary utensils. At least I think they’re necessary… those little rubber-capped things in bright colors, that ear scraper thing, and the charger. This is great for low-key hitting in public or social situations. My only criticism is the globe can be fragile, but any reputable smoke shop will have replacement parts.

Chief Sick - Vape Pen Friends of the magazine, 707 Accessories in Willits, passed this along. It’s compact and durable. More of a saxophone reed than a pen. The heating coil bowl is deep, and once it’s all charged it hits really easy. And a lot. It’s super discreet too, except for the gold color. I think a flat black one would look best. The charges it holds are not consistent, and the charger not a standard charger, so if you lose it that might be an issue. If does, however, have a retractable cord on it, which is neat.

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Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

As always, we delve into another adventure of depravity and sloshy silliness. Sit back, pop a cold one, and enjoy this month’s offering:

Arrgh! Pale Ale ABV: 5.2% Lost Coast Brewery Ahoy!

breakfast on me,

huh?

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So yeah, gotta put it right out there, I’m not a huge fan of Lost Coast Brewery. I wouldn’t say any of them are really all that bad, it’s just that none of them really stand out. I always viewed Lost Coast as that brewery that somehow got onto the shelves at Trader Joe’s, or that beer you bring home to your dad when you come home from winter break so you can introduce him to “microbrew.” Regardless, this is a solid beer. It’s got some fruity notes and piney hoppy business going on that makes me think that this isn’t so bad. Way to go, Lost Coast. Maybe you found your way finally. (Get it, that’s a pun).

Ahoy! again

Ok, I think I can get into this, but I don’t want to tell anyone that I’m into this because of who makes it. Because honestly, who names a beer after a sound that a pirate makes? How about a make a beer and name it after the sound that an ice cream truck makes? Is that weird enough for you?

Ahoy?

So look, I think I have it. There’s a perfect time to serve this beer and that’s Talk Likea Pirate day. Maybe they just want to only seel it that day so taht it can make up for the fact the beer is names something ridiculpous.

Ahoy oh boy

Look, I can’t order this beer in any self-repsoecting establishment. I can’t order an Arrgh! for the same reason i can’t order a moon over my hammmy. It sounds soo ridiculcous to say. How long do i even hold the rrrr for? Can I have another Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh please?

Ahoyyyyyy

Look, I just hope this beer sells so much thtat it can pay off that brewery they built with non union labor. Cuz that’s weird and matters for some reason. ARRRRRRGH. al;sdkfja: Ok, i think i’ll get in costume next time i drink this bgerer. dress like a pirate and ro som booty. Cuz themed beers are the new thing. screw all thos e double ipas and sours. THEMED BEERS! where’s my ninja beer?

Even though Josh is a seasoned professional that is really just writing this article as a veiled cry for help, he still wants to remind you to consume your beverages responsibly, safely, and away from anything resembling the steering wheel of a vehicle. This article was also sponsored by Blondie’s Food and Drink.

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Ben’s 10

Volume LXX: Musician Plan B Careers Ben Allen, music editor

Sammy Hagar - NASCAR driver

Jerry Garcia - Santa Claus

Ronnie Jame Dio - Santa’s Elf

Ozzy Osbourne - Elementary School Teacher

Eric Clapton - Investment Banker

David Lee Roth - Paramedic

Scott Stapp - Trailer Park Manager

Don Henley - Mortician

Ric Ocasek - Model

Brian May - Astrophysicist 64

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Swain's Flat Outpost Garden Center

ALBUM REVIEW

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Poison Idea - Confuse & Conquer

Give my plants Cheetah Power!

Dutch Savage, staff The self-proclaimed "Kings of Punk" from Portland, Oregon's blank, blacked-out vacancies have been making loud and fast-paced, pissed-off hardcore punk rock music for over 35 years.

Silly Human! Just go to the spot on hwy dirty 6!

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Confuse & Conquer is the latest chapter in the P.I. saga, and in it we see the triumphant return of their late '80s War All The Time-era guitarist Eric "The Vegetable" Olson. Songs like “Bog,” “Trip Wire,” and “The Rhythms of Insanity” bring back the feelings of darkness which have always been there for Poison Idea. “Dead Cowboy” is a different venture for the band, with singer Jerry A.’s vocals creating images of Leonard Cohen meeting Mark Lanegan on the set of a Tarantino film, with a little dead country twang. The most dynamic track has to be “Psychic Wedlock,” which begins with a simple but beautiful piano piece leading us into a land of scary monster voices and probably serious subject matter. “Hypnoptic”(sic) is another song on the album that was a bit of a surprise; it’s “Poison Idea lite,” with saloon keyboard and harmless female screams filling in the gaps between melodies. I believe their late guitarist Tom “Pig Champion” Roberts can be heard in the mix telling an oddball story. This album is music for a beautiful disaster on a cold black afternoon. Turn it up! Rating: 11 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Come Celebrate with us! New Orleans Suspectsand the Wild Mendohoulas Sunday April 17th at the Van Duzen River Grange Season Kick off benefiting North Coast Opportunities and The Grange Farm School Catered by Bless my Soul Cafe 66

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

Plan A: Make a mix CD and go on with life. Plan B: -SG

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Are You Lit?

Stoned Advice for A Sober World

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Dear Readers, I have long since believed that weed actually provides one with a clarity and intelligence all of its own. For the purposes of this column, I will be under the influence. Weed provides much more appropriate advice than you may receive from your drunk friends, your unstable family, or worse: a religious text. (It should be noted that before I began to write this I walked around around my apartment trying on different clothes for a while, drew a thing, put on “Let’s Dance” and played my banjo for a bit after smoking a few hits of that bomb.) My boyfriend often doesn’t respond to my text messages. He says that it’s just because he’s really busy. I’ve told him that it really hurts my feelings not to be responded to, but he never complies. I know he keeps his phone on him constantly as well. How should I approach this? Karen O. Los Angeles, CA A big part of me wants you to just call him more so that the ringtone goes off, which will annoy him, and then you can leave exponentially goofier voicemails, and call his bluff like Nero sitting on the wall. However, this feels like a power play. Yes, it’s true that some people are really swamped, and can’t respond promptly. Also, not knowing you, you could be sending a dearth of texts so high in volume he’d think he just got accepted to Hogwarts. Yet, if I’m taking your problem carte blanche, just wean yourself off of this shit and find somebody worth texting (or for heaven’s sake, calling or physically interacting with) more. It takes three fucking seconds to respond to a text, and this could be symptomatic of a mindset or shelf your boyfriend likes to keep you on. Tread lightly with this person, and consider that if they’re not willing to honor what appears to be a simple request regarding something that truly hurts your feelings, what’re they going to do when a real problem happens? Like when video messages aren’t working?

I want a burrito, but I also want a six pack. What do I do? Garret C. Eugene, OR Oh Garret C, come on now. You’ve clearly got a good head on your shoulders. You enjoy burritos, the Earth’s finest and most portable food pills, and, to boot, you’re considering what your body wants, while presumably exercising. So you get yourself some whole wheat tortillas, some epic veggies while reigning it in on the legumes, some chicken, tomatillos, I- Look. There are literally a million ways to make healthy yumminess while cultivating the ability to wash the linens on your abs. Check out some recipes from Jaime Oliver, or just go check out Thug Kitchen’s website.

What’s the best thing to say after sex? Darren B. Austin, TX “Thank you, you sweet person(s), for the lovely sex.” is a pretty safe bet for all markets. However, if that’s not flowery enough, which could result in less sex in the future, consider where you and your partner(s) identify on the gender spectrum, and act accordingly to their needs. Also, assuming you’ve talked with this person for longer than an hour beforehand, maybe appeal to something you’ve bonded on that isn’t sex related? If all else fails, assuming the sex was great, one could always say, “I’m going to get us some water, a lovely charcuterie plate, and some wine. Let’s enjoy that for a little while, and then have some more sex?”

Where do all of my other socks go out of the dryer? Aesia L. Melbourne, AU What the media isn’t telling us, is that big cotton, and big elastic, have rigged everyone’s left sock with a timer that, when tripped, causes the sock to shoot into the air and back to the plant where it was made. This keeps profits sky high while recycling used socks to turn a double up profit on each share. Furthermore, jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, Macho Man Randy Savage lives, the cake is a lie, double plus good. Or. You consistently lose them during the hectic transfer of laundry from the dryer to whichever pile you tell yourself you’ll fold later in your room; socks are elusive beasts.

All questions can be emailed to yours truly. Sam Greenspan, at samthemangreenspan@gmail.com 68

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Monthly Website Suggestion

Sarah Godlin, staff

www.wtfshouldidowithmylife.com Just in case you’re up in the air about what your plan B is. Also good for Plan Cs and Plan Ds.

Palindrome

Probably should not be used for Plan A.

of the Month Bob! Level, Bob! -SG

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Backup Plan for Your Backup Plan

Tommy Lucero, contributor

There are days when I go to a strip mall, trailer park, or an Arby's, and there I often see crowds of people whose parents didn't have a Plan B. Condoms are $5 for a pack of four, Plan B pill is $50 a pill. Life has options is what I'm saying, and we can't rule out any possible avenue of escape or golden parachutes that may be available to us. Sure, it's not cheap, but it's better than not getting any at all or both paying for it for the next 18 years. You have to remember that if you don't have a backup plan for your backup plan you may one day wonder what the word fun was, and what exactly it meant. Every time I see a baby announcement on the Facebooks I might as well be looking at an invite to a funeral with a headstone reading, “Here is where fun once lived.” I do enjoy being around kids but that's only because I get to watch the after-effects of the bags of Pixie Sticks I give them and the effect it has on their parents. I do feel one day I won't have enough money in my bank account or I'll let my insurance coverage lapse and I'll not have a Plan B to put into action. Which is something most deal with at some point and coincidentally is why I don't gamble very often and I just throw my own dice in the security of my bedroom these days. However, if the day does come and I do have a baby, I think I'd probably have a girl, at which point I'll name her Karma.

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Plan B for Word Games

Monica Durant with a little help from her friends.

If you were planning on playing these words, you better find a plan B, cuz they ain’t gunna work.

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Alternative Earths

Mike Spiegelman, contributor

Introducing the Adult Coloring Supplement The more jaded among us will hear "adult coloring books" and picture the pornographic parodies from the 1970s, but this new genuine fad offers grown-ups wholesome patterns to fill in using colored pencils and gel pens. Besides for novelty and nostalgia, adults color to relieve stress and find clarity. We hope that by coloring our intricate illustration of the planet Earth you can achieve a focused lucidity that inspires solutions to global griefs. Coloring provides fresh thought not found in social media or on a phone. Just one hour's commitment to coloring our design could spark the fresh thinking that resets our planet, or at least offers us an alternative.

www.savagehenrymagazine

Savage Henry Horoscope

Dev Richards, contributor

Aries March 21 to April 19

Scorpio Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Just because you did something bad, that doesn’t make you a bad person. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Calm down, take a deep breath, grab a shovel and bury that body as deep as the earth will allow.

Keep your family close this month; you will need their support. Not just anyone is willing to give a false alibi.

Taurus April 20 to May 20 Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. Bo knows your social security number. Bo knows identity theft. Gemini May 21 to June 20 It’s not a swollen lymph node, it’s an absorbed twin and things are about to get really, really weird for a couple of months. Cancer June 21 to July 22 Fuck. For like the millionth time, that mole is discolored and asymmetrical. Your insurance will cover a dermatologist visit. Just go and get it removed before it metastasizes and we all have to request time off to attend your funeral. Leo July 23 to Aug. 22 Now is the time to apply yourself more diligently and complete all those unfinished projects. You already took out the insurance policy. Just cut the brake line already. Virgo August 23 to September 22 Your friends love you; they’re just busy. Avoiding you all the time is super time consuming.

Sagittarius November 22 to December 21 Resist unforeseen temptation, no matter how difficult it is. If it seems too good to be true, then that gypsy woman is probably a liar and those beans won’t grow shit. Capricorn December 22 to January 19 Take the time to really think things through before taking action. Not all little kids like puppies or candy. Maybe pickup some of those temporary tattoos.

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“I’m schmammered just put me on the D and I’ll be fine.” - drunk lady at Blondie’s

“I’m going to try to drink more water this year, the “Fuck water! I wouldn’t drink ice cubes in my vodka cranberry count, right?” that. Fish piss in that shit!” - bar star @ Coopers in Nevada City - Alibi

“I’m going to toss some salad.” - girl leaving Everetts with a guy “All the trannies hit me back on Craigslist. Not one of the jobs.” - The Shanty

“I don’t have nightmares enough, but I’m workin’ on it. “ - Grass Valley “I’ve got a special suckysucky thing for spiders.” - Grass Valley

“Don’t yell at me, I have asthma.” - Ms. Peach

“I played until I was sick to my stomach. Then I played some more.” - Grass Valley “I’m not gay but I appreciate anyone taking the bait.” - the Shanty NYE part

“I laughed so hard! I laughed until Mom got mad.” - Colfax

EavesDroppings “I feel like i should save

“At the shanty. Fuck man, I feel like I just got ruffied by steak.” - unknown

“Where are the throw away phones?” - anonymous “Why would anyone want to throw away a phone?” -clerk w neck/face tattoos “I’ll explain later”- co-worker Target in Eureka

myself, for my taco.” - girl at Aztec Grill

“Any time I wanna put on skinny jeans, I take a dump first.” - Blue Lake In my salon chair doing her hair, 8-year-old girl tells me “When life gives you Lemons, buy more vodka.” “I would totally sleep out - Salem, OR here. Fuck driving.” - Alibi back patio “No penetration tonight.” - lady to a man at The Alibi “Yuo guys seen troll Hunter..” “Nah man I like hole Hunter better” - unknown

“I would rather suck dick then be a trimmagrant, talk to the boss.” - Coopers

“Together, I have both of you on my face.” - Grass Valley

“She ordered two or three bowls of minestrone soup that night and I just wanted to slap her ass for it!” - Nevada City

“Ghandi? I don’t fuck with Ghandi.” - serious hippie in Arcata

“What was your name again it starts with an F, what names starts with an F again? Felony darling. Your name is felony, no thats my daughters name” - bar star talking to a mountain man, Coopers in Nevada City

“I don’t know what happened. I had a Vicodin, but I do that all the time.” - Reno

“Grabbin dad a beer used to be my favorite job. Now its stacking soil bags.” - little kid in Klamath “I almost beat the homeless right out of ‘em!” - The Hutch

“If your going to do blow you might as well do Crack, it’s healthier” - Willow creek

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

next month:

Ailment of Month

The Narcotics Issue Crockett and Tubbs, a love story

I LOVE COCAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Velvet Underground is the worst band ever

Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n

Arcata, CA 95521

Failure to Launch Symptoms include living at your parents house, not knowing how to do laundry, bedsores from computer chair. Though popularized by Matthew McConaughey, the reality is much less attractive but probably contains similar amounts of BO, which I imagine MCConaughey to have in spades. -SG

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