Issue #69 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

A long time ago (about 6 years) in an area far far away (Humboldt County)....

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we do that facebook thing too.

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CHEWBACCA | Chris Durant MAZ KANATA | Monica Durant PRINCESS LEIA | Sarah Godlin DUKE SKYWALKER | Josh Duke

Episode LXIX

THE STAR WARS ISSUE Our heroes have spent another month making jokes and avoiding detection by the evil no-humor having empire. The new movies are a hit, the old movies are parts of our souls and we all agree we’ll just pretend the prequels didn’t happen.

CONTRIBUTORS Michel Sargent, Adam Jacobs, Tiffany Greysen, C.B. Kelly, Patrick Dangermond, William Toblerone, Tommy Lucero, RJ Rueber, Mark Manning, Butch Escobar, Samantha Gilweit, Cee Cee Hill, Sam Greenspan, Seth Milstein, Evan Vest, Scott M., Olive Starlight Watkins, Spencer DeVine, Talvi Fried These are the fine folks who deliver Savage Henry every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Butch Escobar - East Bay

Shawn Sagen - Sacramento

Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville

Subscriptions 12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

JJ made a great movie.

Zeke Herrera - Denver

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Star Wars got people who have no clue about football to watch an entire half of Monday Night Football in order to see 30 seconds of the new movie. In this day of leaks and illegal Internet downloads and spoiler trolls, the Force Awakens was able to keep its twists and turns under hat and it captured the spirit and thrills of the original movie, which I watched at the Century Movie Theater on a May day in 1977.

Josh Argyle - San Francisco Hailee Durant - Chico

JANUARY 30TH

Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City

FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON

Star Wars is more than a movie. More than super awesome toys that shaped our childhoods.

DOORS @ 5 / GAME @ 6 FRANCHESCI HALL REDWOOD ACRES ATHLETICS • EMPOWERMENT • COMMUNITY

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I can’t wait for the next one. I feel 5 years old again. I mean most days I feel 12, but after watching the Force Awakens, I definitely felt 5 for a couple days. Please enjoy. Chris Durant, Publisher - Savage Henry Magazine www.savagehenrymagazine

Parental warning Be a good father. Hide this magazine and try not to cut your child’s hand off.

The Map To Where That Little Bitch Luke Ran Off To

Restaurant Open at Noon Everyday! Tuesday Jan. 19th

May The Brews be With You!

The lil’ Smokies

Album Reviews.............................................................................. 63

Welcome to Storm Trooper Troop ST34521...................... 11

Six Beers Deep.............................................................................. 67

The Other Missile Crisis............................................................. 13

Reefiew Madness!........................................................................ 69

Untold Tales Of Jabba The Hutt’s Family............................. 15

Top Star Wars Sexual Positions.............................................. 71

Refu-jeez..........................................................................................17

Website of the Month................................................................. 73

11 Missed Star Wars Product Tie-Ins................................... 19

Hooker Math................................................................................... 75

Things Star Wars Taught Me.................................................... 21

Phantom Menace......................................................................... 77

SW Plot Recapped by People Who Haven’t Seen SW..... 23

Lesser-Known Star Wars Merchandise................................ 78 EavesDroppings............................................................................ 81

Saturday Jan. 23rd

Sunday Jan. 24th

Interviews w/ People who Haven’t Seen Star Wars......... 25

Soul Night

Bright Light Social Hour

Suggested Titles for Episode 8 of Star Wars.................... 29

Lando’s List.................................................................................... 27 Jakku Motors................................................................................. 30 Bandwagon Fan or True Wars Nerd........................................ 31 Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina................................................. 33 5 Tips to be a Jedi......................................................................... 35

Wednesday Jan 27th

Kung Fu

Jan. 29th & 30th The Rock Collection Melvin Seals, Greg Anton, Stu Allen, Dan “Lebo” Lebowitz, Robin Sylvester

Saturday Feb. 6th

Ryan Montbleau Band Ryan Bisio

20 beers on tap! Follow us on

Letters to the Editors.................................................................... 9

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The New Jar Jar............................................................................. 37 Cliff-Hanker Episode 4: A New Dope...................................... 39 Troopers Demand Blaster Training..........................................41 Freeing the Animal: The Sean Patton Interview....................................................... 43 How to Talk to Your Kids About Their Dead Pets................47 Zeke Herrera wants more Star Wars......................................49 This SHITs for Reels..................................................................... 52 Images of the Prophet Mohammad....................................... 57

All Ages Until 10pm

#NewNames.................................................................................. 59 Ben’s 10........................................................................................... 61 www.savagehenrymagazine

Letters to the Editors Written by real people and printed as submitted.

Escaping L.A. and scouting the North West for new silver linings . Was somewhere around Eureka a when a copy of Savage Henry fell from the air and hit my windshield like a lugee spat from the mouth of a grade school bully. Used it to clean the Sierras from my windows and then actually read the damn thing. Shit, now I can never go back. Sure I could probably subscribe or find a copy back in L.A. but I'm way to cheap and lazy. Eagerly seeking next issue and have noticed significant loss of hair and my eyes growing more shallow with each passing day. Now introduce myself to others as Gollum.

attitudes, Send your comments, to editor@ props or whatever else om savagehenrymagazine.c stcard below will Or the address on the po es are welcome. work too. All perspectiv

Thanks, Precious....you've RUINED me ! (Eric Jay)

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Welcome to Storm Trooper Troop ST34521 *(Best read with a thick New Jersey Accent)

Josh Argyle, staff

Congratulations, you have chosen to join the most integral part of the Galactic Empire and their efforts for galaxy domination. As your elected union representative, let me take this time to lay out some frequently asked concerns and requirements as it pertains to ST34521. 1. Blasters and aiming: We are well aware of the blaster aiming problem. Apparently the empire can make giant metal planets that shoot lasers and ships that travel faster than light but can’t engineer a blaster that shoots straight. If you manage to shoot anyone it will be a complete and utter miracle. 2. Clean uniforms: You will be required to clean your uniform daily. We are trying to rule the galaxy and you showing up with mustard on your uniform doesn’t quite say a competent workforce. 3. Friday: Every third Friday is casual Friday so… khakis and wear a wacky tie. Seriously wear a wacky tie. The last guy who didn’t got force-choked. 4. Haircuts: We all have the same haircut. Deal with it and start wearing a name tag. 5. Fantasy Football: For all fantasy football question contact league Commissioner Paul Ballestretti. The team name “I did it all for the Wookiee” will no longer be an acceptable team name. 6. Label your food: We all share the break room fridge, so for the love of Christ, label your food. A while back we had a sandwich go missing. In the time it took it to look for it some blonde kid destroyed the damn Death Star. 7. Softball: Talk to me about softball sign-ups in the spring. We could use a good infielder. Last year we lost to those weird giant red imperial guards in the playoffs. ST34521 isn’t going to lose to anyone wearing a robe this year. 8. Toilets: I know everything looks all spacey and futuristic but here is a good rule, if it doesn’t look like a toilet it isn’t a toilet. A while back we lost the 2nd Death star because someone shit in the vents and that damn blonde kid blew it up again. For any other questions comments and concerns please see me in my office. Best regards, Steve Wakowski Union Rep ST34521

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The Other Missile Crisis

William Toblerone, contributor

Like a lot of other old former children, I was fascinated with Boba Fett the bounty hunter. I didn't really know what bounty meant back then, so I went around slashing at paper towels with a pocket knife. "Absorb this!” I would shout. I had it in my head that if I hunted down enough Bounty, I would eventually earn a sweet jetpack like my hero.

the president's nuking finger with a Boba missile, which made Carter decide it just wasn't worth it.

Even though he wasn't in the first movies for very long, he was extremely popular due to his sinister helmet and jiveass swagger. I'm guessing that Attack of the Clones was probably the best Star Wars movie because it had a lot of Boba Fett in it. I never actually saw it because "First Date" Cindy Medina gave me a mean Alanis Morissette during the opening credits, then I spent the next two hours sleeping it off in the theater. I'm sure it was great, though.

As Mark David Chapman was just about to shoot Yoko Ono, an errant toy projectile grazed his forehead, which turned his aim toward her husband.

While young Donald Trump was minding his own damn business, enjoying a cup of schnapps in an airport lounge, a passing child popped the back of his head with a Boba missile. He erroneously blamed the Mexican family in the booth behind him. Revenge was sworn.

An errant missile poked a small hole in Drake's father's condom, resulting in Drake.

I collected all of the merchandise associated with Boba. I kept a moldy container of Sargento Boba Feta cheese stashed in my drawer. I owned both versions of the Dildoba Fett marital aid. But the most valuable piece in my collection was the rare original action figure, which Kenner produced with a tiny spring-loaded missile attached to his back. This version was quickly recalled and replaced with a boring little missile that wouldn't move. I thought the company was being overcautious until I read about the incidents that led to the recall. Here's a partial list of the tragic accidents that convinced the Kenner toy company to act quickly: While Metallica was busy wasting everyone's time in a studio, a misfired Boba missile flew through the window, tragically pressing the record button. As a last act of office, Jimmy Carter was going to nuke Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, one of the kids on the Watch the President Nuke Pittsburgh Tour wounded

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Untold Tales Of Jabba The Hutt’s Family

Patrick Dangermond, contributor

Much has been written about the great Jabba the Hutt, the notorious crime lord who ruled over Tatooine with a carbonite fist. However, much less is known about his sister, who spent her days whoring through the solar system less like a Hutt and more like a Twi'lek. Her name was Crabba Tiure, affectionately known as "Jabba the Slut.” At a young age, she experienced a sexual awakening. Having "her tail wagged" at the tender age of 60, she gave in to carnal pleasure that would make a wookiee say, "BRRRAGH!" She soon fled from Tatooine to enjoy the pleasures of life, melting hearts on Hoth and sending chills down the spines of Mustafar. Jabba would have hidden his face in shame… if his arms weren't so short and his face weren't as big as a star destroyer. Unfortunately, not all was roses for the infamous Crabba. Fifty years of giving herself to life's pleasure took a toll on her. Deeply in debt after paying for numerous genital replacement surgeries, she was forced to take odd jobs such as breastfeeding Tauntaun calves. Too humiliated to return home, she hopped on a transport and was never heard from again.

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Although not as highly regarded as her brother, "Jabba The Slut" continues to capture the imagination of sexual deviants and fatty fanatics across the galaxy. Some say that Jabba pays tribute to his infamous sister to this day through his laughter... "Ho, HoHoHoHoHo..."

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r e t a w e v r e s n o c H T I W S T N E I R T U N & m e t s y s p i r ad talk with our on staff drip expert

Refu-jeez

Butch Escobar, contributor

Gungans: they may be George Lucas's biggest mistake, but now they're America's biggest refugee problem. Being blamed for bad movie reviews and not shitty movie making the Gungans are being displaced in droves. So it's time that we here in America must step up and do our duty. Adopt a Gungan family today. Where else can Gungan family thrive but in our diverse nation’s cities? When Wookiees and Ewoks arrived here did we not welcome them with open arms? When annoying droids with British accents and obnoxious beeping noises were lost did we not find them a home in our hearts?

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Is it because cute and cuddly or smart and efficient defines the margins of our hearts? There are many benefits to having your own live-in Gungans. For example, Gungans are a warrior class. With danger in America rising and the threat of terror expanding you owe it to yourself to adopt a Gungan family. Mixing tribal fighting tactics with highly-technological dino-mounted warfare, a Gungan should be your first choice in the line of defense. We used to have a saying in this country: "The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." Not anymore! The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun now is a good guy with a Gun...gan. Say no to guns and yes to Gungans. Adopt a family today to protect your family tomorrow.

HUMBOLDT GROWN SINCE 1987

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11 Missed Star Wars Product Tie-Ins

Isaac Kozell, staff

Subway did it. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese did it. Hell, even Crocs did it. So why did so many other companies miss out on Star Wars product tie-ins? Here are a few missed opportunities that could have brought in some major Imperial Credit.

Kashi Admiral Akbar Snackbar A delightful combination of seven whole grains and dried salmon.

Boba Fett Giga Pet In order to keep Traditional Giga Pets happy they need to be fed, cleaned and played with. This version just needs to be reminded that it's not like the other clones and that his dad would probably be proud.

NRA Blaster Rifle A sturdy firearm perfect for target practice, wild game hunting and mass shootings.

Skoal's CHEWingtoBACCA The first dip marketed exclusively to children and nerds. This classic Virginia Bright Leaf tobacco is cured to look just like Chewbacca's fur.

Ancient artS TATTOOING &PIERCING.

Cloud City Cloud Storage from Dropbox It's pretty secure.

The Greedo Speedo The perfect swimwear choice for the guy who thinks he's ready to show a little more skin but is kind of lacking in the blaster department.

Han Solo Cup Fuck red. This shit is carbonite.

Obi-Wan Ryobi Leaf Blower The force is strong with this one.

Speeder Bike by Uber Uber for scooters.

Sarlacc Sazerac “Drink the worms.”

The Tampax Tauntaun The tampon so big you can sleep inside of it on a cold night.

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Things Star Wars Taught Me

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Star Wars taught me I had shitty parents. My parents never took me anywhere and we never did anything fun. There was only one movie that my parents ever took me to see, and that was Return of the Jedi, and only because an uncle was in town to visit. They talked about that movie for years, it was talked about in a way that you would have thought we had attended the Grammys. It got just as much talktime as when we had free cable for over a year because we had stolen it off of the rich neighbors. Other, less terrible things, I learned from Star Wars: 1. A first grader cannot do her own hair in Princess Leia buns, no matter how hard she tries.

12. Chewy is a whiny bitch.

2. At some point, you’re going to lose a hand.

14. Talking in a sharp tone does not make you a princess.

3. Small green aliens are always endearing.

15. Baby Ewoks are adorable.

4. Carrie Fisher had real boobs.

16. I had a weird crush on Jabba the Hut, all which became clear why after years of therapy.

5. White turtle neck frock dresses look shitty on everyone, even if you’re a princess.

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13. Princess Leia’s lipstick was always perfect.

17. Han Solo, the character, is an over-actor.

6. A 10-year-old cannot do her own hair in Princess Leia buns, no matter how hard she tries.

18. You should always know who your siblings are, so you don’t kiss them.

7. I still get Carrie Fisher and Patti Reagan confused.

19. People can have British accents even in space.

8. Men love gold bikinis, thanks to Princess Leia.

20. Princess Leia buns are a big fat lie, and you can’t have them, no matter how hard you try.

9. A 15-year-old cannot do her hair in Princess Leia buns, no matter how hard she tries. 10. When a small green endearing alien dies, people will cry.

21. No one in space seems to know who their real parents are. 22. Luke’s dad would have never stolen cable.

11. Space is 99% men.

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Star Wars Plot Recapped by People Who Haven’t Seen Star Wars

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Mark Manning, contributor

Despite record-breaking advanced ticket sales, Star Wars moviegoers are nervous they’ve forgotten key details of the original trilogy, making The Force Awakens as unwatchable as a Jar Jar Binks romcom. Or worse yet, maybe their parents mind-tricked them into thinking sci-fi wasn’t the entertainment they were looking for and they’re worried they’ll be that audience member asking their friends to explain everything. Well, call me Princess Leia’s bikini, cause I’ve got you covered. Instead of directing you to the unreliable nerf herders at Wikipedia or the overwhelmingly-detailed C-3POs at Wookieepedia, I recruited friends who have not seen Star Wars to piece together the key plot points for you based on educated guesses and their knowledge of pop culture. I took their guesses and weaved them into the narrative below. If CBS had enough gall to broadcast The Star Wars Holiday Special, then I think I can muster the audacity to publish Star Wars recap compiled with the help of people who thought “wookiee” was a character name instead of a species. Go ahead, stick your spacecraft linkage control arm into my data port and sync up, cause this is the Star Wars knowledge you’ve been looking for. STAR WARS PLOT SUMMARY There is a war in space that somehow involved teddy bear looking things. There are a lot of fights and space battles. And the Force. The Force is like Buddhist zen. There is a light side and a dark side. The force in some can be good or bad. One of the main characters is Luke, who grows up with Yodi the ear dude. Yodi has ears, he looks like Dobby. Yodi teaches Luke shit. It’s like Kung Fu Panda. You don’t see him growing up. He’s a teenager. Darts Vader was a good guy and went to the evil side. He has a red lightsaber and red is the evil team. And there’s a lot of battles in outer space between Darts Vader’s people and Luke’s group. Luke finds out he’s a jedi and later discovers the bad guy, Darts Vader, is his father. Luke has to kill Darts Vader, which is conflicting. Luke fights people in white suits, The Enforcers, who are protecting Darts Vader. Darts Vader gets his arm cut off. Then, there’s Harrison Ford walking around with a moaning bear-man, Chimwanga the Sasquatch. His sister is Princess Leia. There’s some romanticism between them, which is awkward. She wears a white dress so she must be on the good side too. Everyone has to dress up like her once in their life. There’s a conflict where Harrison Ford has to figure out what side he’s going to go on. Yodi trains Luke to destroy the Death Star, the spaceship everyone lives in. On the Death Star, there are weird men with pointy ears and hand signals that make no sense. It is Darts Vader’s home base. It’s really cool looking, but it’s actually not structurally buildable like that. It’s got too many windows in it. I’m pretty sure I’ve been on a 3D ride that uses that as part of the backdrop. Harrison Ford helps by cruising through the canals of the Death Star on his butterfly fighter jet, Galaxy 1. He goes horizontal and cuts through there cause someone’s chasing him. In the end, Indiana Jones saves the day. NOTABLE SUBPLOTS There’s a black guy in it too. He’s a commander and they wear really tight suits. The words goes triangularly. You can’t read it. They scroll it too fast.

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The robot was pretty good but he dies. He goes to sleep cause he runs out of energy. He’s round and he has eyes and he talks in a computer voice. And he’s pretty funny. Oh yeah, and there’s one that’s like the butler. The bun girl just tries to avoid getting banged by weird aliens and robots for 16 movies. The plot of Star Wars, as it likely exists in a parallel galaxy far, far away. Please note, inaccuracies are not my own, they were submitted anonymously and made me giggle. www.savagehenrymagazine

Interviews w/ People who Haven’t Seen Star Wars

Mark Manning, contributor

The resurgence of Star Wars fandom kindled curiosity within me. As the pressure to be a part of the hype intensified, the few who had not even seen the original Star Wars trilogy became exposed. I talked to outed friends about how they’ve avoided seeing any of the movies (or worse - forgotten if they had even seen the movies) and quizzed them on what they know. I assigned them aliases based on the incorrect names they used in the interview because they demanded anonymity from the soon-to-be enraged mob of Star Wars nerds.

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@GrahamsBrand

Interviewee #1: Jabba the Hun Mark Manning: How do people react when they hear that you haven’t seen Star Wars? Jabba the Hun: Week and a half ago, I was in a bar bathroom. Both urinals were occupied, so I decided to go to the stall. The two guys at the urinals were very giddily talking about the new Star Wars movie coming out. Next thing I know, this guy pokes his head over the stall. I coulda been doing a twosie! He was like “Are you on the good side or the dark side?” I said, “I don’t know how to explain this to you man, cause I can see how happy you are, but I’ve never seen Star Wars before.” He made me pick, so I picked the Dark Side. He was okay with me not having seen it, but he was also pretty drunk. I think he was looking for a friend. MM: How have you made it this far without seeing Star Wars? JTH: I’ve seen bits and pieces when it’s on TV. The scene where they’re all in the bar and the scene where what’s his name is flying his spaceship through the canals of the spaceship everyone must live on. He’s chasing a butterfly fighter jet. MM: Are their any other parts of the plot you can recap? JTH: Something to do with Harrison Ford growing up and his dad being Darth Vader. … I wasn’t thrilled with Harrison Ford’s performance in the last Indiana Jones. MM: Saying that will help you win back fans you’ve lost by not seeing Star Wars. JTH: I’ve been boycotting Star Wars ever since the last Indiana Jones movie. www.savagehenrymagazine

Interviewee #2: Chimwanga the Wookie MM: How do people generally react when they find out you haven’t seen Star Wars? Chimwanga the Wookie: Wasn’t a big deal until the dude bought the series and is making a new one. MM: So you were able to skate by until now. CTW: Well yeah. Guys always think it’s cool because then they can watch it with you and it’s romantic but it’s like the least romantic movie on the planet. MM: How much of the plot can you recap? CTW: The words goes triangularly at some point. You can’t read it. They scroll it too fast. I do remember that. So that’s why I don’t know the plot. MM: Have you seen Star Wars? CTW: I’ve probably seen Star Wars. Cause there’s Princess Leia, who everyone has to dress up like once in their life. Maybe seen 25% of a movie. The plot is this dude and his dad. And there’s this princess and a robot. That might be Star Trek. That’s the other problem, is that I always get the two confused. [later in the interview] CTW: I also watched it around the same time I read Ender’s Game. And it was confusing to me cause they were pretty similar. But I don’t remember what Ender’s Game was about. MM: There is a sci fi part of your brain that’s just a blender.

Interviewee #3: Big Bear with the Epic Little Fanny Pack MM: How have you made it this far without seeing Star Wars? Big Bear with the Epic Little Fanny Pack: Besides the fact I’m uninterested? No one’s forced me. I’ve only seen the Family Guy version, which I hated more than I think I’d hate the original movies. I’m a pretty strong willed person. MM: On a scale of 1-10, how interested are you in seeing the new Star Wars movie? BBwtELFP: Zero, cause I’m not gonna see it, probably only see it if I was trying to impress someone. Actually, I’d go for the popcorn. [Editor’s note: At press time, it was reported this individual has a ticket purchased with plans to see the Force Awakens.] Star Wars is unavoidable, like a Dianoga in a Death Star garbage compactor. You can only control the amount you let it invade your life. Everyone I interviewed knew Harrison Ford was involved, Obi Wan as Princess Leia’s only hope, and that Darth Vader was Luke’s father. However, if you’re still upset by their relaxed attitude about a cultural phenomenon, relax. This page can also be removed and used for kindling for your fireplace.

TATTOO OF THE MONTH

landoslist

Wookiee Breeder: No experience needed, just a strong grip on the desire to further the existence of a noble race of fur-laden folk. Willing to relocate a plus, willingness to follow through and finish tasks set before you even more of a plus, and quite frankly, a wise life choice. Just send a transmission with your interest and proof of protective eyewear. Only those with strong stomachs and a dull sense of smell need apply. This SITH is for YOU: Upbeat about the Dark side and the future of the Empire, seeking my dark Empress to begin our overtaking of the universe. Must love cats and scrapbooking. Clone4Clone: Looking for like-minded individual who thinks exactly like me in every way. Must have large distaste for intergalactic smugglers and a passion for the bounty that life has to offer. stormtroopers wanted: Ability to hit targets not required.

Lando’s List

If he had a father figure he wouldn’t have been such a fuck-up. about landoslist landoslist is hiring in sf landoslist open source landoslist blog best-of-landoslist landoslist TV "landoslist joe" lando connects

Aspiring Sith Lord Seeks Father Figure: I'm looking for a mentor that won't cut me off at the knees and offer encouraging words . Also must hate Sand People. Wookiees In Need: Guaauhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! R2D2 seeks BBFWB 4 PNP and DND/WOW Jedi Seeks Counsel: My young Padawan seems to be leaning towards the dark side and may be quite mental at that, I'm hoping someone can help as I'm already on jedi probation for raising my voice when a elder referred to me as BenWah Ball instead of my actual name. Psychic Readings available from Qui Gon Chleo done pro Bono BELIEF in The Force is all that's required. Send transmission to (930)555-AWKN Uncle Owen’s Moisture Farm and Hydroponics! All your hydration needs met! Plus specials on in-house harvest. Droid on site is fluent in over six million languages. Endor’s Episcopalian All Ewok Choir Holding auditions for annual Battle of Endor Pageant and Potluck. Make sure all effigies are in line with fire code.

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Tommy Lucero, contributor 27

Suggested Titles for Episode 8 of Star Wars Hans Yolo Attack of the Clones 2 Darth Tittyflops Takes Manhattan BB- 8 Is Enough Fuck All You Nerds, The Rise of Jar Jar don't say Electric Boogaloo.... don't say Electric Boogaloo.... don't say Electric Boogaloo.... Minions 2 The Hateful Episode 8 Yoda! MTV Raps Rey of Light Finn to the Wind

Meme by Dutch Savage

Kylo Ren and Stimpy The First Order Spring Break Orgy Tape POOP Is It 8? Is This a Prequel or a Sequel? Fuck It, Give Us All Your Money Snoke and Poke The Force Blows Back From My Cold Dead Han Chewbacca Be Kidding Me Return of the Plot Line An Old Hope Reruns of the Jedi Jar Jars Back Babies Jedi Does Dallas We’re Buying All the Cocaine! The Search for More Money Is Over Smells Like Sith In Here Chuy Finally Pays Child Support The Force Goes Back To Sleep The Empire Is Less Racist Than Republicans 28

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C.B. Kelly 29

Bandwagon Fan Has a Star Wars poster on the wall

Sarah Godlin, staff

YOUR DEN

Jakku Motors YOUR PET

Ohm Chewy?

Incom Corp. T-65 X-Wing Fighter Slightly Damaged Major carbon scoring

Kuat Systems Engineering Firespray-31-class patrol and attack craft Carbonite transport retrofited

Imperial Department of Military Research “AT - AT” Some frozen damage

Imperial Department of Military Research

Corellian Engineering Corporation CR90 Corvette as is, may or may not be wanted by the Empire

True Wars Nerd

Dresses like Slave Leia for Halloween

You mean my Mom’s den? Which one? Ree-Yees, Sy Snootles or Porkins?

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Chalmun’s Spaceport Cantina 3112 Outer, Kerner Way , Mos Eisley - Tattooine, 431231.343

Cocktail Menu Qui-Gon Jinn and Bespin Tonic A gin aged in casks in the old Jedi temple on Sigmar 11 and the best and gassiest Bespin tonic, mined by that dude with the iPhones strapped to his head who doesn’t talk. Garnished with gundar ear.

Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina 9

Luke Skywalker White Whine “Leave your droids outside and remember, no blasters!” Bar manager - Wuher

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“But I was gonna go into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters…” Shut up already, Luke, and be a Goddamn man! Fun fact, he got in a fight here and his Jedi grandpa cut off Dr. Evazan’s hand right over there. House wine.

Fermented Blue Milk You don’t want to know what animal this is the “milk” of, but it’ll fuck you up.

Admiral Akbar’s Roofie-tini Don’t drink it! It’s a TRAP!

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That’s No Moon Bothan Witbier

Dave’s Darkside Sollustan Pale Ale Forest Moon Wicket Wheat Ale Corellian Brewing Co. Kessel Spiced Ale

Pitchers 9 Han Solo Cups 4

Snacks Bantha Platter Nutrient Capsule Pickled Zog Fambaa Delight All snacks 7

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PALINDROME OF THE MONTH

5 Tips to be a Jedi

Spencer DeVine, contributor

Being a Successful Jedi is difficult and everyone needs a little help now and then; that is why I've compiled five basic tips to help everything go smoothly on your trip through the stars. Number one, get health insurance. No matter which side you're on, Sith or Jedi, there's always a chance you could be cut in half or lose your hand. Why not hit up that worker's comp insurance and get that fancy robotic hand or a bodysuit to cover your horribly scarred face and body? Hell, you could get hit by a rock in the head by an Ewok when you least expect it. Number two, attend family reunions. So much confusion can be caused when you don't know who your family is. If you haven't met everyone in your immediate family you might murder your father, or, God forbid, kiss your sister on the mouth -- gross. So send out those invitations and play some disc golf with Yoda so you're not an inbreeder by accident; fair trade. Number three, never build a base on a snow planet because that shit sucks. You gotta imagine that a planet full of snow has gotta be the coldest shit ever; hell, you might even have to crawl inside the carcass of a snow creature to even live through a snowstorm. When have you ever had to do that before? Snow planets are cold, full of monsters, and really easy for the Empire to find. Go to Endor for its beautiful greenery and leave Hoth to be a grumbly ice giant.

T Eliot nixes sex in toilet. -SG

Number four, do cool things with your powers. You have the ability to literally shape the world around you. If you gain that sort of power and all you want to do is float your lightsaber to yourself and do medium-level hypnotism tricks, you're boring. I wish I had superpowers and could fly. I'd just drop bombs on TOP of the AT-ATs and Jedi all Flying Nun style on their butts. Your name is Skywalker and I haven't seen you walk in the air once! Number five, don't work with Jar Jar Binks. That's a pretty simple one for all Jedis who have a lick of aspiration inside of them. Jar Jar will drag you down and put those aspirations right in his butt (seriously, that's a thing he would probably do.) He is clumsy, unreliable, and annoying as fuck. Sure, Jar Jar is well intentioned, but he is also a fool who will kill you on accident.

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The New Jar Jar

Cornell Reid, staff

In the re-edit of Star Wars Episode 1 Disney decided to completely redo Jar Jar Binks to make him less offensive to black people and more offensive to white people. Jar Jar has been redone to resemble a stereotypical white man and these are just some of the new character traits you can expect from Jar Jar in the new re-edit of Episode 1.

He’s always trying to do other characters taxes. He eats space vegan. He irons a crease down the middle of his robe. He never responds when asked a question cuz he’s always listening to public radio on his headphones. He brags about how he doesn’t own a TV. He shops at Wal-Mart at night hoping none of his friends see him.

MONTHLY CONFESSION

He hates the Cantina Bar cuz they don’t carry his favorite IPA. He won’t stop talking about U2 and Dave Matthews Band. He claims to be good friends with Yoda so it’s ok that he says all that offensive stuff about him. He misses important meetings/battles cuz he snuck off to Endor to go snowshoeing. He keeps trying to get everyone to eat his homemade bread. He’s obsessed with Asian girls. He complains about all the Starbucks everywhere while drinking a Frappucino. He says “Awkward!” and “Bazinga!” constantly throughout the film. He’s scared of Ouija boards. He blames Marilyn Manson’s music for the dark side. He always fucks up handshakes with Mace Windu. He can’t jump. 36

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-SG 37

Cliff-Hanker Episode 4: A New Dope

Seth Milstein, contributor

(ed note - continued from previous issue) Hank found out that the big prize size checks are not valid as he was escorted out of the bank for wearing only the ass-less chaps that his pants became after blowing the back out with his own filth. Broke, mostly naked, and reeking, Hank was at a loss. He broke down and began to cry on a street corner. He wept and wept feeling broken and hopeless. As if cued, it began to rain quickly turning to a torrential downpour. This was a solution to one of his problems though. Seizing the opportunity, Hank ran into a wooded area in the park across the street from the bank. He ripped the rest of the messed seat from his pants and then removed the legs from the knee down, cut them lengthwise to create flaps that he tucked into the waistband to cover up any unmentionables. He let the rain wash his body clean and emerged on the other side of the park where a bus was being loaded full of costumed Star Wars fans to see the latest installment. Hank drifted aboard and wasn’t questioned due to his unusual garb. The Hans, Lukes, and Leias tried not to stare as they tried to figure out which character Hank was cosplaying. Hank didn’t notice as he was eavesdropping on a Greedo that was vocalizing it’s excitement that both George Lucas and JJ Abrams would be judging the costume contest preceding the showing they were headed to. He was both excited and nervous because he knew that was a big deal but also knew that those dudes would know for sure that he was just a dude in a makeshift loincloth. They debarked at the mall. The two celebrity judges looked on as the passengers were paraded before their table. They looked bored politely nodding each fan on until Hank stepped up. They both perked up and began whispering to one another and making notations. The formalities continued Until they’d seen all the contestants. Then Lucas made a speech about the spirit of the Star Wars Universe and how one contestant dug deep and dressed as a character that was only mentioned in novels or something. With a tearful eye he handed Hank a giant $10,000 Check. Hank took it, ripped it in half, screamed “BULLSHIT” and stormed off of the stage.

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Troopers Demand Blaster Training After what seemed to be an unflappable plan executed by Emperor Palpatine and carried out by Darth Vader (Dark Lord of the Sith, pod racing champion, and murderer of younglings) to destroy the rebel uprising, the Death Star managed, against all securities and planning measures, to be blown up due to a small exhaust port on the outside of the planet sized death base by a barely-there Tatooine resident. Suffering losses ranging in the many thousands, the Sith’s henchmen known as Storm Troopers have recently unionized to receive compensation for punitive losses, workman’s comp, and finally put an end to the grievous lack of blaster violence that’s destroying their cause from the ground up. “It’s not what you think,” began union head and avid oboist Rylar Quinn of the Rigel 8 system, “I’m not saying we need less guns. We fucking need to learn how to use the guns we’ve already got! I mean, fuck, I find it just negligent that the Empire wants to put all of its chips on just two fucking guys! One who

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can choke you out from a few feet away who’s crazy hung up on some chick, or the other guy who looks like melted swiss that can flash fry you for like fifteen seconds as opposed to the literally many thousands of armed and armored men that couldn’t hit the broadside of an AT-AT. I can remember grazing one of the Rebels’ important one’s shoulders, but, like, that’s it. Oh, and like two dudes in hunting gear and a few teddy bears in the forest. This shit is ridiculous. We fucking suck at this. I’m not popping off another shot at goddamn shit until I know what I’m doing, and neither are my men.” In response, blaster sales have plummeted throughout the galaxy. The IRA (Intergalactic Rifle Association) spokesman W’ayn La’Peer was perplexed at the time of the press conference, stumbling through his gas holes to create a coherent thought amidst the quizzical problem the Empire faced. “I mean, the only way to stop a bad guy with a blaster, is to be a good guy with a blaster. But what if the good guys are just way better at

Sam Greenspan, contributor

“We fucking suck at this.” hitting shit than we are? Those numbers are pretty depressing. Will you think I’ve lost my credit if I say yes to this? Will I still be cool?” Union reps have stated that until further training can be mandatorily instituted, no Storm Trooper will be returning to work. “Look, you want us to murder people for you? I’d be happy to,” Quinn went on to say, “But for the love of shitports we outnumber them almost a thousand to one, and they just mop the floor with us every time. It’s goddamn embarrassing. I want to kill things, too, dammit! You think I’m just here because I look amazing in white?” The Dark Lord of the Sith was said to have found the lack of training disturbing, but when asked about his plan to create reasonable change he merely breathed for several minutes until walking out of the room. Or maybe he was thinking. Or crying. It’s really difficult to tell with Lord Vader.

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Freeing the Animal: The Sean Patton Interview

Isaac Kozell, staff

While Jamiroquai’s Travelling Without Moving album plays in the background, Sean Patton sits in the rear courtyard of New Orleans’ Hi Ho Lounge enjoying a pre-show Cuban sandwich from a local popup kitchen. “I think, without a doubt, that New Orleans is one of the best places in the country to perform because the city has more of a pirate feel to it than it ever has. A kind of swashbuckler feel. I think to live your life successfully as a swashbuckler there’s a certain amount of intelligence you have to possess. Not book intelligence, but street intelligence. That’s a far more fun intelligence to deal with. You have audiences full of intelligent swashbucklers. You can’t ask for a better crowd.” Patton got his start in New Orleans before moving to NYC, where he worked his way up the scene, earning appearances on Comedy Central, Conan, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and a slew of festivals. He’s learned a lot from his past (“I prefer to be stone cold sober onstage”) and has big plans for the future (filming a one-hour special, writing a TV show, taking his one-man show overseas). I talked to Patton about his comedy influences, the value of hack comics and his plans for 2016. Isaac Kozell: Do you mess with psychedelics?

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Sean Patton: I personally do not. I learned that my brain is not hardwired for psychedelics. I don't even smoke weed anymore. But I think you would be hard pressed to find a more pro-marijuana activist … not activist. I hate when people say activist when what they mean is that they just agree with it. But I love marijuana. I love the effects of it on other people. I love the benefits of it. I just personally don't partake. But I love being around people who are high. IK: Did you ever experiment with it in comedy to see how it affects you onstage? Or do you have a go-to now, like a particular drink you enjoy before you go up? SP: I've been high on stage before, certainly. I remember one time it going very poorly. I was too high to keep a thought. I thought the audience would just be amused at how high I was, but they were like, “Nah. Not that amusing, bud.” Lately I prefer to be stone cold sober onstage. Getting fucked up is great. We all do it. But at the same time, the places you can get to in your mind when sober, the pathways are deeper. I've had moments where I've written entire bits onstage where I think if I were drunk or augmented in any way I wouldn't have gone there. IK: When you first started, who did you emulate, if anyone? Most comics jump in and start imitating their favorites. For me it was Mitch Hedberg. I loved his style. I just started out trying to fill four minute sets with one-liners, before realizing that it's not sustainable for what I wanted to be. I had to move out of it. Who were your comics that you modeled your style after when you first started? SP: It's crazy to say this out loud because it seems like such a fanboy thing to say, but I've been a Louis CK fan www.savagehenrymagazine

Photo by Mindy Tucker since 1995, only because when I was 16 I saw a young comedians special from Aspen. It was hosted by Gary Shandling and had Dave Attell, Dave Chappelle and Louis CK. I remember seeing him and being like, “Oh, this guy is funny.” Same thing for Dave Chappelle and Dave Attell. But I really latched on to Louis. It wasn't for another 11 years that he started to blow up. I feel like there's a formulaic origin story that a lot of comedians say – not because it's not true – but a lot of comedians will be like, “I loved late night from when I was 10. I used to stay up and watch Letterman and Conan. Oh, man, Seinfeld. I used to go home and watch Seinfeld episodes.” If that's your origin story, great. For me, I didn't give a shit about stand-up growing up. I loved humor, but in the early ‘90s there was a lot of shit on TV that didn't speak to me. The first thing that did was Mr. Show. I saw that because I Continued next page... 43

Sean Patton, continued from previous page... was grounded on Friday night. I still remember the fucking sketch. It was the one where they cut to the prophet who was fasting and he gets up to say a few words but he can't stop saying, “I'm so hungry.” I remember thinking that was hilarious. But the first stand-up that really made me want to be a stand-up was Sarah Silverman. She played a version of herself on The Larry Sanders Show. She played a writer on the show who eventually got to do a stand-up set. I remember kind of taking the journey with her over that episode. Her preparing to do the set and then actually doing it. I really fucking connected to it. IK: This was before you ever did stand-up? SP: Way before. I think I was 17 or 18 when I saw that episode. I felt that desire to create something that people could laugh at. They actually showed her set and I was like, “This is fucking funny.” It wasn't Paula Poundstone or Richard Lewis. Those were the comics I remember from my early days. Lots of sportcoats and references to being Jewish. A lot of things that just didn't connect with me. But with her I was just … I really felt it. But by the time I started doing comedy I would honestly say that I was emulating Sam Kinison. I was louder and more aggressive onstage, not because I thought louder was funnier. I just thought louder moved more. It was all

about the energy. I believe that 100%. I mean, you've got to write great jokes, but I believe that writing and performance are on par. I've seen it go both ways. Certain comedians out there are very popular, but they don't have good writing ability. They can perform though. IK: One that I always go to is Kevin Hart. When someone says they love Kevin Hart I ask what their favorite Kevin Hart joke is. They usually can't recite a joke. But they love his presence and energy. They feel good after watching him perform.

SP: And I've seen the opposite. I've seen hilarious, great joke writers get onstage and fail to capture anyone's imagination with just verbal regurgitation. You've got to find that balance. For me, I never wanted the audience to get bored. When I first started I would be loud and would move around, which is kind of my natural presence. With time, I realized that I was doing that too much. I was forcing myself to move around and be loud because I thought I was losing them. But I just had to take what I was saying up to a higher level and then take how I was saying it down a notch or two to find the balance. You will always be fucking with that balance. If you're a guitar player you're always going to fuck with the levels. You're always going to fuck with distortion versus wah-wah. That shows you how much I know about guitars. IK: The only two pedals out there. SP: It's distortion or wah-wah. IK: Do you feel like you've finally found your voice? SP: I feel like I've found my voice, but I haven't captured it. My voice is this wild animal. I know what it is. I know where it roams. We're friendly with one another. But sometimes it takes off and I don't see it for a couple of minutes, which I actually like because I feel like if you capture your voice, lock it away and only show it to people when they're paying to see it it's going to become … not hacky, but it's going to get dull. But if you let your voice get free, knowing that some days it's going to get away from you and you're not going to know where it is, when you find it it's going to be stronger. IK: How do you define “hack?” SP: Unadventurous and safe. IK: It sucks when hacks crush. SP: But you'll notice it's in hack audience situations. I'll put that on

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the audience as well. I'm sure there are lots of people in their mid-thirties who live in a condo in the suburbs, with two kids they thought they had to pop out, who think that Bud Light and Budweiser are the extent of the beers out there, who only get out once a month and haven't read a book in 10 years. I'm sure they're nice people, but when they're at comedy night in a sports bar or Friday night at the Arlington Improv, that's a hack audience. Let the hacks have them. IK: Is there room for hacks in comedy? SP: Obviously. The days of the comedic superstar are over. Society is too aware of comedy now. You can't have a Chris Rock anymore. Some people will say Kevin Hart did it. But like you were saying earlier, ask someone to tell you a Kevin Hart bit. I get it. Maybe Kevin Hart has sold out more arenas than Chris Rock, but in the whole comedy zeitgeist, Chris Rock is a fucking superstar. I think most people our age could quote Bring the Pain, especially the more controversial bits. But even guys like Aziz … to us, Aziz is huge. But he's a lofthold name, not a household name. Hannibal is an apartmenthold name. Now it's all about finding a niche. Let the hacks exist because they keep the hack audiences away. IK: We just celebrated New Year's. Do you make resolutions? SP: I just made one today to record and listen to every set starting tonight. This is my first set of the year tonight. I feel like an idiot. I've seen people do it for years. I was always like, “Ah, I hate the sound of my voice.” But I did it recently while I was working on my solo show and it's insane how much it helps. Health-wise, as I sit here shoveling pork shoulder into my face, it's impossible for me to be healthy in New Orleans. Too much delicious food, too much fun drinking to do, too much debauchery. So thankfully,

Photos by Mindy Tucker I don't live here. I leave tomorrow and when I do, I'm going to eat more green stuff, drink less beer, watch myself. When I come back, fuck that. It's all about moderation. IK: Your album Standard Operating Procedure came out in 2012. Are you working on a new album or full-length special soon? SP: What I'm trying to do is make my first hour special happen this year. I want to do it independently. I want it to look and feel a certain way. I want it to be shot here. In a perfect world I'm shooting in March and releasing it later this year. I'm also continuing to work on this solo show, which I'm going overseas with hopefully this year. This year I just want to perform more and see more places, like Humboldt. I feel like we're in an era where comedy shows are becoming more artisanal, if that's the word. It's less big clubs/big venues and more small shows/more venues. I just want to get out there and do it.

Sean Patton is performing in Humboldt in February, keep an eye out for details. 45

How to Talk to Your Kids About Their Dead Pets

Zack Newkirk, staff

The death of a childhood pet isn't just a rite of passage; experts now say the experience may help prepare children for the inevitable passing of you, their parent, which will come sooner than you think. Here are a few ways to help your kids understand what happened to Fluffy and Rover: • Be frank with your children. Instead of letting them believe their pets will be waiting for them in Heaven, be sure to hammer home the fact that their pets are surely rotting for eternity in Animal Hell. • Tell your kids that it's important to remember the good times they shared with the animal, rather than remembering unimportant little details like "Daddy ran over Mittens with the push mower." • Swear to your offspring that their pet will never be forgotten, then prove it by building a closet shrine to the deceased animal. Force the kids to pray and pay tribute at the shrine several times a day, lighting candles and leaving blood sacrifices to keep the pet's spirit alive in this realm. • Don't heartlessly flush the pet fish down the toilet; instead, eat the thing in front of the children, then croak, hoarsely, "Circle of life, kids! Circle of life!" • Show your young some sad movies about pets to better prepare them for The Day. Try such triedand-true favorites as Old Yeller, Marley and Me, Deep Blue Sea, and Last Tango in Paris. • Teach your children about the pain of death by carving a mark into their arms with a hunting knife with the passing of each pet; if they're lucky, your kids will look like serious Tough Guys by the time they're adults.

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Zeke Herrera wants more Star Wars

Zeke Herrera, staff

There's been a lot of heated controversy lately, and obviously I'm not a politician or a sociologist, but I have been doing lots of research to get my two cents in on the issue. Yet I still don't understand why movie studios still feel the need to put the characters from the original movies into sequels, prequels, and reboots. Unless your characters are directly dealing with the repercussions of actions from the first movie it's completely unnecessary. Die Hard 2 doesn't make any sense having John McClane in it, I don't think Jaws 2 needed Brody, or even a shark, and I think the new Star Wars might be toeing a thin line by keeping Luke, Leia, and Han.

Bad Joke Eel knows Star Wars

Why do these people need to be in these movies? This is a series of movies that consists of interplanetary travel. You can put a camera on any planet at any point in time and I'm sure you'd find something interesting going on. Not only does Star Wars not need those characters, I don't even think it needs Jedis. Earth alone has over 4,000 religions. So why does a movie franchise that takes place within an entire galaxy only focus on one? Think of it this way, The Force is God and The Dark Side is Nazis. I’ve seen six movies now about Nazis. Why not explore other bad guys? What about the Christopher Columbus, J. Edgar Hoover, or Jim Jones of The Force? Also I'm sure this galaxy has plenty of other awesome religions with other laser based weapons to explore. Why not see how whatever the space equivalent of Buddhists and Hindus are up to in this universe and see how they interpret and harness The Force or whatever they use. I'm writing this before the release of the new movie and I think it's going to be great but I think it's going to be held back by the baggage that is its old characters. I also think racism is bad and feminism is good. Follow me on Twitter @baconarchist.

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Talvi Fried 50

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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |||||| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I ||TH Hardware Wars (1978) was the original Star Wars spoof that filmmakers hoped to turn feature length (producers Spaceballed the idea). The 12-minute-long film is a funny extended trailer for a farcical story featuring household appliances and characters like Fluke Starbucker, 4-Q-2, Ham Salad and Chewchilla (Cookie Monster dyed brown). The Schwartz be damned!

|MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF||| The Untitled Star Wars Mockumentary (2003) begins as a fake tribute to director Damon Packard by Tony Curtis followed by Packard cutting himself, friends, old trailers, pornography and other film clips into an actual Star Wars documentary of the weeks leading to the release of Attack of the Clones (2002). Fucking hilarious!

The reason George Lucas© made Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) is because Episode IV ½ - The Holiday Special (1978) bombed so badly. About one-third is almost watchable as it's our newborn heroes on cheap mock-up sets and reused space footage. The rest is painful interpretive dance videos and Chewbacca’s family on “Life Day” waiting for pops. Nobody knows Wookiee so no subtitles, just mimes making horrible screechy Wookieebabble noises. George Lucas© has tried to bury it but YouTube’s a troll so catch it and add another weapon to your WHY STAR TREK IS A FAR SUPERIOR UNIVERSE arsenal.

Star Crash (1978) opens with the exact same spaceship shot as Star Wars IV, has characters that exhibit a "force", Ray Harryhausen-influenced stop-action robot skeletons, a medusain-a-jar, Millennium Falcon look-alikes and a sword-swinging stop-action giant Greek robot. It’s also known for David Hasselhoff's acting debut and a Texasaccented robot yelling "Look! Amazons on horseback! I hope they're friendly."

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3 Continued next page...

Mmmmm, Burl Ives as a narrator. The Horror! Caravan Of Courage: An Ewok Adventure (1984) needs a narrator because nobody learned Ewok. Sigh… Young Wicket finds two kids separated from their parents after their ship crashes so the village shaman blesses a magical Ewok journey to save the parents from a giant. Boasts cool stop-action monsters and obvious puppets plus more myth and magic than your usual science fiction spin-off, though, quickly forgettable and not recommended.

Continued from previous page...

Star Odyssey (1979) is a terrible excuse for a Star Wars rip-off featuring hilarious mustaches, terrible costumes, force-like telekinesis, trashcan "prehistoric cave robots" and suicidal lovebots. The English dub dialog is awesome; one guy pronounced U.F.O. as "oofow". Light sabers complete the film-analogy but the story lacks. There's a prison break on the moon to save humanity from an interstellar auction where aliens are in a bid war for Earthling slaves. A great Moog soundtrack almost makes it not a waste of time.

|THE|END|

Holy SHIT there's a sequel! It opens with the family about to leave Endor when the parents and son are killed and the girl escapes with Wicket. They hook up with Wilford Brimley and his smiling high-speed (and high on speed) sidekick creature to retrieve a piece of stolen spaceship back from the local magical aliens. Ewoks: The Battle For Endor (1985) is NOT as good as it sounds, plus you have to watch the first one first.

3 54

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Images of the Prophet Mohammad In an upsetting week for radicalized Middle Eastern extremism and a concurrently victorious week for radicalized western extremism, depicting images of the Prophet Mohammad has been ousted by the concept of potentially spoiling the new Star Wars as the new top ranking way to invite swift comeuppance from violent psychopaths into your life. The Middle East, now livid and dealing with an inferiority complex, was disheartened to learn that Western decadence had once again insulted even the very thing that made them scariest to us. When news reached various ISIS cells scattered throughout Syria and other undisclosed locations, and anonymous representative of the terrorist organization went on to say, “Look, I didn’t say shit about Kylo Ren, okay? You all know that that’s a character name in the movie. I’m just naming a character. There’s nothing wrong with simply naming a character, I didn’t even say anything he did. Oh, fuck, you’re not going to print that are you? That it’s a he? Fuck. Please. Just kill me now… before they do.” The ISIS leader’s suicide was just one of thousands of outbreaks of violent bloodshed throughout all North American and most Western European nations. A husband and wife were savagely butchered by an IT team at a train station in Brussels while discussing the events of the film publicly in an acoustically friendly terminal. A hospital in Hoboken, New Jersey was demolished with several hundred pounds of C4 by a high standing D&D game master after a front desk receptionist wasn’t speaking quietly about the events that occurred in the

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Sam Greenspan, contributor

move while talking on the phone with her children. In an historic event, the United States Senate, amidst the chaos and death tolls that have reached the tens of thousands, managed to swiftly pass unanimous bipartisan legislature allowing full legality of Star Wars spoiling-related homicides for all natural born US citizens. On Tuesday night, presidential hopeful Senator Rand Paul took to the floor, stating, “Look, cocksuckers. Some of us have lives. Some of us have a God to pray to, and will stand over the ruinous ashes of your pathetic, weak, and inconsequential little lives if you breathe a word to me or my family before we get to see it Saturday. Do you think this is a game? Do you think what I’m doing right now is a motherfucking GAME!? What. You wanna be the big man that nobody loves ‘cause you think this is funny? This is my childhood you’re fucking with you cock gobbling bags of cock slime!” Senator Paul was later joined by former President Jimmy Carter, who conclusively stated, “Alright, bitch. You wanna roll up on my joint and lay your lil’ dick down on my table and say dinner’s served? I’ll show you a real dick. I’ll nut bullets down your throat. I’ll gun fuck everything you’ve ever loved. I’ll, wait, what was that? WHO SAID SOMETHING?!” President Carter was later acquitted for hanging Mitch McConnell with a barbed wire noose for accidentally letting slip the part when Kylo Ren went - - Wait. WAIT. Please. Please, no. I just said his name! Oh, god. Forgive me. Forgive me, lord.

#NewNames

Savage Henry’s Interactive Game with @CornellReid

This month: LESSER KNOWN JEDI’S Ma$e Windu Jon Groundwalker Qui-Gon Dumb Nerd Virgindu Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Binks Darth Craterface Count Peepeepooku Glory Holo Odie Wan Kenobi WE HAVE A 3-WAY TIE FOR FAN WINNER! Bayshore Maul Darth Brooks - Dutch Savage Soda Grass Valley Asshat - Sandy J Sunshine Rey Romano Larry the Light Saber Guy Hakuna Matata Kardashian - Evan Vest Next month - Plan B Do you have an alternate name for the magazine Savage Henry? Tweet it to @cornellreid on Twitter with the hashtag #NewNames & I’ll feature my favorites in the next issue.

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Ben’s 10

Volume LXIX: Ten Amazing Facts About ‘Christmas in the Stars’ Ben Allen, music editor

By the early ‘80s, the consistently increasing popularity of the Star Wars saga warranted the production of all types of merchandise, even a holidaythemed recording. Christmas in the Stars was released in November of 1980 and was largely sung and narrated by Anthony Daniels, the guy who played C-3PO in the films. After the initial pressing of 150,000, RSO Records went bankrupt, making Christmas In the Stars incredibly valuable to collectors, despite its terrible content. What follows are some fascinating facts about this disastrous project. Anthony Daniels’ pill and crystal meth addiction was his main motivation for participating in this steaming pile of shit. He later remarked that “doing that awful Christmas album was the worst thing I ever did for money. Even more awful than licking that guy’s b-hole in the bathroom of a fish and chips shop.” The record is Bon Jovi’s first professional recording. He’s credited by his birth name "John Bongiovi” on the track “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas.” "Merry, Merry Christmas" is the most uninspired, generic piece of monkey shit you’ll ever hear. It’s sung by an annoying chorus of droids and offers no sentiments or content besides the title. Christmas in the Stars was one of the recording industry’s first digitally recorded and mixed albums. "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)" was only the second digitally recorded song to crack the Billboard charts. R2-D2 proves he’s a fucking idiot by not knowing what bells are. C-3PO mocks his lack of mental capacity, then proceeds to sing the track “Bells, Bells, Bells” to him, explaining what bells are, how they sound and look. Chewbacca makes a brief cameo on standout single "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?),” which incredibly made it to No. 69 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. “Sleigh Ride,” is the story of a romantic 60

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day in the snow, followed by a sexy evening between C-3PO and R2D2. Evidently, R2’s cavity usually reserved for Skywalker’s lightsaber makes a nice home for C3-PO’s robot cock. ZIP! Lead album track "Christmas in the Stars,” sung by C-3PO was evidently inspired by a debaucherous, LSD-fueled holiday weekend spent in a remote area of Tatooine. “The Odds Against Christmas,” was composed by Maury Yeston, a Yale University music professor. However, the lyric and melody sound more like they were written by a shit-faced Jabba the Hutt, than an esteemed intellectual composer. Jon Bon Jovi was a janitor at the studio where Christmas in the Stars was recorded. His uncle was the owner. Final track, “The Meaning of Christmas” is a batshit crazy, eight minute classical piece detailing the story of S. Claus (Santa’s son) and his galactic space factory where droids toil continuously to make gifts for children all over the galaxy. I can’t tell if the rambling narration, forgettable singing and classical score is horrific, brilliant, or maybe both.

ALBUM REVIEWS

WHAT’S IN THE CRACKPIPE THIS MONTH? Pomelos. They are the monster truck of grapefruits, but sweet, like Bobby Ray, who has a small penis but still sends his first girlfriend flowers anonymously on her birthday. Also they are at Costco. -SG

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - Hell EP

Hinds - Leave Me Alone

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Cee Cee Hill, contributor

This all-too-brief and incredibly bracing shot of audible absinthe from The Pains of Being Pure at Heart successfully accomplishes what most musicians could only hope to have their EPs do: leave you wanting more and more.

I’ll start with a disclaimer. I don’t like Adele’s new song “Hello.” That means my musical tastes are absolutely screwy compared to millions of people out there. So don’t be surprised if I find Hinds’ music exciting, fresh and cool.

The first song and title track is replete with nods to their influences from Prince’s seemingly effortless hooks, with a poetic mastery of uptempo, toe-tapping doom. The following two tracks, “Ballad of the Band” and “Laid,” are a delightful demonstration of the band’s firm grasp of modernity - in a good way. I know, I know. I cringed when I wrote “modernity” as well.

Hinds play surf garage lo-fi music. Their songs have catchy riffs, cool harmonies, and a lot of sing-along choruses. They talk about love, flirting at parties, running after boys, or feeling sad to lose that treasured loved one. “Solar Gap” is the only instrumental song and it has that sunny, California-in-the-60’s vibe.

Fear not. Let this band take you to hell. You’ll love the journey. Rating: 11 out of 12 Cans of PBR!

Hinds’ unique approach to songwriting craft make them a very relevant modern band, quickly garnering attention and acclaim. It’s imperfect, noisy, and raw. “Leave Me Alone” sounds like it was recorded in their living room after a few drinks and joints. For those of us that hate “Hello,” The Voice and Auto-tune, listening to Hinds is refreshing. Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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White Fang - Chunks Tommy Lucero, contributor White Fang is what I believe to be a breath of fresh bong smoke in a world of stale, backyard boogie breath. Lyrics like, "I hit the weed and then I passed it," makes me feel there is somebody writing music I can finally relate to. The Fang’s sound harkens back to a simpler time, when happy hours were happy and bags of bud seemed bottomless. I like to believe that this band is something of a light at the end of a tunnel, leaving groups like Nickelback and Adele on the other end of that corridor. They are the Skywalker to the Darth Vader that is Chad Kroeger’s face. Adding to the awesomeness of this band is their name; the obviously have good taste in literature. Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR! Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine

ALBUM REVIEWS

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE

Bob Dylan - Blonde on Blonde Olive Starlight Watkins, contributor eee45trtyukjfbf Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR! Music Editor's note: This month while editing album reviews, I left Google Docs open while listening to Dylan's Blonde on Blonde. My feline friend Olive "reviewed it" by sitting on my laptop's keyboard. I asked her to rate it and she held up both front paws, obviously indicating ten cans of PBR. As she's got impeccable musical taste and is an eloquent writer, I'm hoping she'll contribute more soon.

Deerhoof - Fever 121614 Samantha Gilweit, contributor Deerhoof is a band that doesn’t give a FUCK what you think about them. They didn’t give a fuck in the mid-90’s when they first formed and went on stage wearing bear suits, destroying instruments, and definitely don’t give a fuck now with the long awaited release of the masterful and fantastically chaotic live album, Fever 121614. “Hey, what should we call the album?” “I dunno, a word and then a bunch of fucking numbers.” Avant-garde music isn’t supposed to be easily digestible upon first listen, but Deerhoof’s weirdness is incredibly tangible. Fever 121614 showcases Deerhoof’s ability to be amazingly proficient at avant-garde, technically and artistically. Lead singer Satomi Matsuzaki’s tender vocals cut through a sea of high-energy noise, like a more raucous Little Dragon. I highly recommend the tracks “Paradise Girls” and “We Do Parties.” You’ll start to sweat just listening. Rating: 11 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

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Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

Join me as I take us through an entire six pack of:

Salted Caramel Brownie Brown Ale New Belgium Brewing

ABV: 6.3%

First: When I cracked open this bottle i was expecting some overly-sweet monstrosity that would send my insulin levels to sights yet unseen, but instead I was treated to an otherwise flavorful brown ale. It has a thin feel to it, yet the flavor is full with coffee and vanilla, and yes, an almost “salty” hint at the end. The only thing about this beer is that were it not labeled as something with all these wacky flavors, I would never have had it put in my head to call it so.

Second:

Ok, so I decided to get all fancy and I left one out to see if having one at room temperature brought out some of the more subtle flavors. Sure enough, there they are. I wouldn’t say it tastes like a brownie, but then again i could really use a brownie right now. Still a good beer.

Third: I could almost see this beer being put on nitro and then used in som esort of alohol laden float beverage of some kind that would be epic in unknown proportions. I mean, it’d be known after we do it, but until such time, it’ll definitely be an unkoknw. Some people think my sentences ar to long, or perhaps i should use more semicolons.

Fourth:

Alright, someone’s gotta call this ben and jerry person and be all like, “Dude, did you really do anything fo rthis beer? what do you know about beer anyway? you make ice cream, which i can’t eat, cuz I’m lactose intoleratan. Why do you hagte me?”

Fifth: Ok ok maybe i flew off the handle a bit. i shouldan’t hate this beer. it’s done nothing but been so tasty as it journeys into my belly. I should show some gratitude. I am so sorry.

Sixth: I want ben and jerry to make more bbeer. But like, even better. cuz that would be goo

Josh is a mostly responsible adult that knows how to moderate his consumption in a safe and minimally pathetic fashion. Please follow his example. Also, this article is sponsored by Blondie’s Food and Drink.

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Reefiew Madness!

Scott M., contributor

Hello everyone! I’m gonna go by Scott M. for the this new cannabis product review column for Savage Henry cause… weed, you know? I do a lot of weed. I smoke it, vape it, eat it, dab it, rub it, drink it… I’ll even put it in my butt. I reviewed these goods while seeing the new Star Wars and dealing with the holidays.

Temple Extracts - Vape Pen

This was the perfect tool to use while seeing Episode VII on opening night. I didn’t hit it while in the theater; you guys don’t know me yet, but I ain’t about that. It was perfect for hits in the parking lot without attracting all kinds of attention by hotboxing your Tercel. And the oil is clean and tasty. You can tell right off the bat. And the cartridges are huge. I can hit that pen everyday from now until May 16, 2017 (when Episode VIII hits the theaters) and still have some. Simply put, the Force is strong with Temple Extracts.

Swerve Confections - Buzz Bar

I had a 10-hour drive ahead of me in shitty weather. I bit off half of the Buzz Bar and by the end of the trip I wasn’t achy, grumpy, or passing out behind the wheel. I was focused, relaxed, and positive. That’s pretty much what the package says. I actually thought about what it might be like to live in Oroville, California and how much rent was as I drove by the town. That’s how powerful these things are. I have to note, I do not advocate or recommend driving after medicating. Swerve, I did not, but they sure did! They did the Kessel Run in 10 Parsecs. Great stuff.

High Caliber Extracts - Zkittles Shatter

The taste intrigues me, it’s outstanding. Some shatter and dabs and wax and booger and whatever else is the new way tastes like Dow made it or something. Very refined… in the oil way, not the classy way. By using my new dab pen from Jack’s Extracts, I was able to “go check the mail” a few times while the in-laws were in town for the holidays. I came back ready to hear to the story of my father-in-law’s hernia he got while golfing in a barbecue contest at a Biker’s Against Child Abuse rally for the 100th time. I sure tasted the brainbow with the Zkittles.

Honeysuckle Lotus - Tangerine Supreme

rosin that’s a dab that’s not a dab, but gets you higher than a dab because it’s the best dab. Rosin is results of a solventless extraction process. So naturally, it sounds cleaner. It also tastes cleaner. The texture is the pretty much the same but the color, at least with the Honeysuckle Lotus sample, was more green and felt like smoking real weed.

A Father’s Cookies

Apparently they were giving these out at the Emerald Cup for free as samples and maybe that’s what accounts for the weakness. I’m sure that’s what it is. They taste good and are easy to eat, but after 90 minutes or so nothing was really happening. You can eat the labels though… I think. I hope.

Stokes Confections Milk Chocolate Caramel

Popped this in my mouth one morning and before I knew it it was like the in-laws weren’t even in my house. Another mellow edible, with definitely noticed effects. I like the new “legal” “regulated” edibles. They’re taking that “you’ll end up fetal under a hotel bed” stigma away from edibles. This chocolate caramel set a nice tone for the day and really really really helped me get in the holiday spirit.

Kiva Terra Bite Blueberry and Milk Chocolate

A nice bite sized chocolate drop with a strong blueberry flavor. Another great concoction for being on the run. And again, pretty mellow, but I only had one drop. But like I said up top, I have a very high tolerance level. All of you should definitely stick to recommended dosage amounts. If you’d like to suggest something to reefiew or send in something, get a hold of editor@savagehenrymagazine.com. 68

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Top Star Wars Sexual Positions

Adam Jacobs, contributor

It gets freaky in space y'all... real freaky. We polled the Rebel Alliance and The Republic to find out what the freakiest of freaks are getting into and onto.

The Wookiee Cookie

Chewbacca and his pals all gather round and a female Wookiee, with their girth sabers at full attention, they wank their crank until completion and the last to complete gets eaten(out) by the female Wookiee.

The Luke and Leia

This move is tricky. First you need a sibling, next fuck the shit outta that fine-ass family member, and then act like it never happened and her kids aren't actually some inbred mongoloids.

The Admiral Ackbar

An old favorite of mine. To fully commit to this move you have to really relax your face, almost to the point where the skin is almost falling off the bone, like a delicious baby back rib. Once your face is loose enough, it's time to place your face inside the rectum of your partner and begin to yell "It's a trap," until they shit all over your face. Completing the transformation into Admiral Ackbar.

The Storm Pooper

Classics never die, unlike the many faceless stormtroopers who die first in every battle. You'll need a skateboard. This move begins with roughly 10 friends (more or less depending on availability) who all line up in military ranks forming a long line. You lie on the skateboard on your back and you slowly scoot thru the open legs of your "storm troopers" as they shit upon your nude body. By the end you should be covered in feces and pleasure.

The Death Brown Star

All great things eventually come to an end, and that's exactly what this move is. This is the finishing move of all finishing moves. Have sex in whatever fashion you choose, but right before climax, jam a stick of dynamite into your partner’s bum bum, stick a match in your peehole and light it; now just jizz that lit match onto your partner's waiting rear, igniting the dynamite's wick and blow dat ass to smithereens.

The Jedi Forceable Entry

This may sound rapey but let's face it, they are Jedis. If they want to fuck you... they will.

Jabba Up the Butt

This gets a little tricky and alotta bit messy. First take some raw rancid meat, the fattier the better. Take this putrid meat and wrap your ding donger up to replicate Jabba the hut -- now, this is where it gets tricky -- try and jam your Jabba dick into your partner's rectum til you damn near kill 'em.

The Yodaboat

A classic motorboat but on the downstairs front or back because of Yoda's lack of height. Put in the work you shall. Cum they will. Pleasure you give.

Honorable Mentions The Darth Maulestation Analkin Skywalker Rusty light saber Ewok of shame Tatooine Steamer Dirty Solo The At-At Skat Spat The C3P-Holes The Count Dooku DooDoo

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Hooker Math Few debates have elicited more nerd rage than Star Wars vs. Star Trek. Today I hope to settle one aspect of this debate for good; which is the superior ship, the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon? Most sources have the Enterprise with the greater gun power and the Millennium Falcon with the superior speed, but since speed and power don't really have any viable real world implications, the deciding factor will come down to the Hooker Quotient, or how many hookers can you fit into something.

Nuno Amaral, staff 195.26 meters gives you a grand total of 58,177,038.47 meters cubed --wait...shit, really, 58 million...okay...so given what we know from our previous calculations, you can fit about 581,770,384 crated hookers or 1.8 times the population of America. Even with a standard crew of 1012 the clear winner is the Enterprise. It's boldly going where no one has gone before, into a 1/2 billion hookers. On a side note, the amount of money it would take to make this happen is $133,807,188,320 per hour. Hope you saved up your gold-pressed latinum.

To get the Hooker Quotient (HQ), we first need to find the average size of a hooker. For the sake of simplicity I'll just stick to female hookers, specifically American hookers because USA number one. The average height of an American woman is approximately 1.6 meters (5'4''). Multiply that by the average shoulder width of .35 meters and a depth of .27 meters (the diameter of the circumference of the average Playboy playmate bust) and you’re left with .09 meters cubed (3.6'). Next we'll need the volume of The Millennium Falcon. Length: 642.50 meters by 463.73 meters wide by 8.27 meters high (excluding that bitchin' satellite dish) gives you 7,279.38 meters cubed. Now if you put a hooker into a crate measuring .1 meters cubed (4'), you could fit about 72793 hooker filled crates. Granted this doesn't take into account the 2 man crew or the fact that it's a bit of a hollowed out Falcon, but still, that's a lot of hooking. Now for The Enterprise, specifically the 1701-D because Next Generation > Original Series (suck it, Kirk). Length: 642.50 meters, width: 463.73 meters and height:

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Phantom Menace Phantom Menace came out when I was 9, which means I loved the fuck out of it the first time I saw it in theaters. Sure, I didn't understand much about the plot. Is a 9-yearold supposed to understand trade routes, taxation and all that other weird bullshit George Lucas came up with? No, I was still making pee-pee in my pants around that age. I just figured that it was a common rule in movies that you had to suffer through some boring ass dialogue in order to get to the scenes of rad fuckin' space war. The black red and red dude with the spike head was also pretty tits at that age. What was his name? Dark Mall? Eh, who cares. Point is, Phantom Menace was perfect for a 9-year-old Chub Tub with a taste for the sugars, which is an apt description of me for that time period.

Evan Vest, contributor I may revisit Phantom Menace one day, but chances are it's going to be when I am riddled with Alzheimer's in a rest home somewhere, more concerned with the evil troll nurse trying take the gold from my teeth. I guess all I'm trying to say is, if you really feel like you want to watch The Phantom Menace, smoke a lot of pot first. If you still feel like watching it, chances are you already have Alzheimer's.

I never got around to the next movies in the prequel trilogy because by then, I had smoked pot and a girl had played with my wiener with her hand, which meant I was officially too cool for nerd things. It had been awhile since I had seen Phantom Menace, so I felt I should go back and review it for this issue. I took a lot of bong rips to prepare, but that was a mistake. I was so baked I didn't think I could handle some drawn out space opera meant for the children. I did, however, throw in my copy of Menace II Society, and I think it was a better choice. There was violence, drama, good music. Had to say, I felt pretty damn cool.

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be rewarded.

Lesser-Known Star Wars Merchandise The Jar Jar Binks sex toy AK-47 Star Wars blaster toy (sold exclusively in the Soviet Union and some parts of Switzerland) Yodeling Yoda singing action figure Jabba the Hutt butt plug “Greedo Shot First” bumper sticker Darth Vader cigarettes Jango Fett action figure with detachable head (coffin included, crying Boba Fett sold separately) Sarrlacc pit underwear

RJ Rueber, contributor

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“That double stab noise from law in order plays when I see ugly guys on this app.” - my gay friend in Colfax

“They left the meat and cider.” “Oh ya? They left the meat insider. I think that’s how baby’s are made.” - unknown

“Camel toe is not cool when you’re 14.” - Smoking patio at Everett’s

“Any girl that eats my cooking will explode instantly.”

- Woman in bachelor pad, Arcata

- Grass Valley

- Everett’s “Fuck that bitch! Every time she looks at me it’s like she’s going to speak another language.” - The Flamingo Casino

- Jason, on the torso killer

“I’m the asshole of your dreams.” - from a random asshole

- Willow Creek “Bob Ross is like the Journey of painting!” - woman at The Shanty talking art and music

“I’ll spread my asscheeks in the Yuba.”

“If i didn’t wash my balls for three months, she would still smell worse than me.”

- DJ Bobby

- the hill

“We will spread your ashes in Yuba.”

“Sushi in the raw!? That’s too far, I’m a gimp dude.”

“Hey did you guys trade the crystal meth for firewood yet?”

- Coopers, Nevada City

- flop house in Eureka

“I can appreciate murder; but come on!”

“It was the best trap house Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.”

“I get really excited when I bang things...& I’m not usually that excited.”

- Nevada City

- The Forks “I surprised my liver today, I drank water.”

“Yea, it’s diet coke”

- Bar fly at Coopers, Nevada City

- two guys, somewhere. “She’s a Boner Vampire!”

“Dude! I saw the sickest fucking teapot the other day! It had the brass top and everything!” - trim scene

“Is this blow gluten free?”

- Rex Club, Yreka Bobba the Hut Approved!!!

- The Local beer bar

“I’m going to eat the bacon and run.”

“Did you get that purse for Christmas? Cuz it looks like shit on you!”

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“At least spit on it like a gentleman”

“I’ve got a bunch of crusty things on my back.”

- Matt in Arcata

“I’m gonna hurt a butt one way or the other…”

“You ever been fucked in the ass by a rainbow.” - Crazy vixen screaming with a rainbow knife at Mineshaft in Nevada City

“Why do you like garlic so much…” “Protects me from shiny vampires.” - unknown

Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. If someone says something crazy text it to 707.845.8854 or put it on a postcard and mail it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521. Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine

next month:

AILMENT OF THE MONTH

The plan b issue No wait, the other one Backup plans

e! ortion issu b a n a t o n it is

Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521

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