Issue #65 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we got that facebook thing too.

BRIDE OF CHUCKY CHEESE | Sarah Godlin

JAR JAR BILLY | Josh Duke SEES DEAD PEOPLE | Chris Durant HALLOWEEN QUEEN | Monica Durant

Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Adam Jacobs, Tiffany Greysen, Ausbon Brown, Samantha Gilweit, Evan Vest, C.B. Kelly, Patrick Dangermond, OJ Patterson, Andrea Bartunek, R. Herring, Robert Berry, Paul Danke, Yuri Kagan

If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville Zeke Herrera - Denver

ADVERTISING

advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com

SUBSCRIPTIONS

12 issues = $50/year to the address above

Parental

Boo! Did I scare you? Welcome to the Spooky Issue of Savage Henry Magazine. We’ve always intended to do an issue inspired by Halloween, but our only annual theme, the Harvest Issue, has always bogarted October.

Boo. There is nothing more scary than the spelling errors and grammar mistakes in this magazine. Also we cuss. -SG

So we said “screw it,” and Halloween comes early this year. But only read on if you dare. Ghouls, ghosts, spirits, witches, and comedians have written some pretty scary jokes.

The Rack

Boo! There, scared you again. Just keeping you on your toes. It’s OK, I won’t do it ag….Boo! Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. All right, all right, I’ll give you a second or two to Boo! Hahahahaha. This is too much fun. But not nearly as much fun as you’ll have reading the Spooky Issue of Savage Henry.

Safe Haven from Spooky............................................. 11

So grab some fun sized candy bars and trick or treat your way through the pages.

David Lee Roth’s Tips for Success.............................. 17

Thanks for reading.

City Living................................................................... 21

Chris Durant Editor

Letters to the Editors...................................................... 7 Deadline......................................................................... 9

I Should Just Cut My Balls Off.................................... 13 CUTTING-EDGE HORROR MOVIES...................... 15

The age-old question.................................................... 19 Six Signs He Lied About Being a Ghost...................... 23 What the Colors in Your Toilet Mean.......................... 25

An Open Letter from that VHS Tape from The Ring.. 27

Lines Cut from The Exorcist........................................ 29 I Hope I Don’t Die....................................................... 31 My Sister Sees The Dead and I'm Afraid of Dying..... 35 New Names.................................................................. 37 Nation’s Uteruses and Cervixes................................... 39

HERE’S HENRY!!!!

Warning

Horror Movie Review: Labyrinth................................ 41 I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost .......................................... 43 Questions with Gary: a professional ghost.................. 47

Things that Should Totally be Illegal........................... 49

All Work....................................................................... 51 Rare Phobias................................................................ 59 Ben’s 10....................................................................... 61 Album Reviews............................................................ 63 The Spooky Inside....................................................... 65 Least Scary Ghosts....................................................... 67 Restaurant Review....................................................... 71 CROSSWORD............................................................. 73

Witches: How Cold Are Their Tits? An Investigative Report............................................... 75 WORDSEARCH......................................................... 77 Films with Real Ghosts in Them................................. 78

EavesDroppings........................................................... 81

∙

EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com

Letter from an Editor

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 5

Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. hello editor staff and readers. ........I recently had a two year jail existence with. sicatric ridiculous mace attacks. and even some female jail erotic affairs.. ................. It is my opinion that socialist police authority’s harvest eligible. .victims from homeless or ather at risk groups to satisfy jail quotas and that sycitrist skeem to steal votes. by brandishing medications. to people who would rather. smoke devil weed ..I am wondering can grass smokers. start a supper pact to elect” city counsel member’s. for local. office in there individual. towns. I am sure many ather people have probation officers breathing down. there necks yet how many are looking for that city council. job.. ...I.really need paying job that makes up for that time in jail with no weed. Jonathan M Truckee

Se nd yo ur co m m en ts, attit ud es, prop s or wh atev er el se yo u got to Sa va ge He nry.

Em ai l: ed itor@ sa va ge he nrym agazin e.c om Mai l or drop by ou r offi ce in th e Ja co by Storeh ou se: 791 8th

St re et Su ite N - Arca ta, CA 95521 Al l pe rs pe ctiv es are w el co m e.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 7

Deadline. I stop in my tracks. It probably stems from once being prey. The instinct to freeze, for your ears to perk up, for your heart to become obnoxiously conspicuous. Before the confidence and comfort of steel and mortar, when a branch cracking in the brush meant your ass. And a little pee comes out. I feel all of that, not because there’s a lion stalking me in Jitter Bug Cafe, but because I effed up something bad; prey to my own fallibility. I relayed the wrong date. Deadline’s today! Pat down my usual phone pocket, then my nonphone pocket, then every other pocket. It’s not there! Calamity rarely strikes once. Across the plaza, through the storefront, down the corridor, up the elevator, down another hall is my phone, and my computer, and everybody and everything that could make this right. I slip out of line. Someone overcorrects their confident strides to accommodate the sudden personhood in front of them. Their boiling hot coffee goes flying! Nothing spills, but the fear that it could have, is nearly worse. I mumble apologies leaving the establishment, but nobody hears me over their fuming. Honk! Beep! Hey! I’m adult-running diagonally to the Plaza, trusting my well-being with drivers on all sides. Adult running isn’t actually running, it’s this weird combination of stressed steps and affected dignity. Real running is a brisk jog, child-running is sprinting in abandonment, but adult-running has the wrong clothing on, arms encumbered by unnecessaries, aged bones and smokers lung. I have to keep my eyes on my feet, sweat starts to say “what’s up,” poop hides in the cut, children child-run in my trajectory. A Rapturesque husk of crust-punk ephemera billows across my path like a tumbleweed. I hop it like I’m Super Mario. Part of me wants to beat myself up. Give in to my mistake. Really embody being wrong like I’ve been taught to internalize. Part of me wants to embrace it. Make the gaffe graceful with an “aw shucks” humility. Part of me is confident that it’s no big deal. That people, especially those I’m in charge of, embracing imperfection, will rise to the task they were probably procrastinating against anyway. Parts of me fall off, shedding DNA. My sweat is overstaying its welcome, moving past “hello” to full-blown conversation. Everything seems grayer in tunnel 8

Charles OJ Patterson, contributor vision. There’s a faint hiss of a steamy machinery coming from somewhere, could be anywhere. I still feel like I’m being chased, but I’m finally at my desk. Nobody’s around, probably trying to find me, or trying to find beer. My computer is still awake with incrimination: “Hey guys, get your work in to us by one week (8/29/15)!” A couple of clever jokes. The rest is a rallying spiel. It’s amazing what two hours could mean, when what’s supposed to be in a week is actually today. I write an addendum, checking the date on my sheet, checking the date on my computer’s clock... checking the date on my sheet, checking the date on my computer’s clock. The date on my sheet is 8/22/15. The date on my computer is 8/22/16. I check the date on my sheet, open my time-zone and date settings. I check the date on my sheet, “Set date and time automatically: Apple Americas/U.S.” toggled on, accurate according to nearly a century of satellites, and, much unlike myself, infallible logic. What happened to a year? What’s happening across the street? Sirens roar at a deafening degree. I open the window to investigate. Someone steamed beyond belief, coffee stains on their regalia, is being loaded into a cruiser. Someone under a crimsonsoaked sheet is being hunkered into an ambulance. My sweat has abandoned its diatribe. My heart is mum. I’m no longer afraid. The deadline has passed. courtingcomedy.com

Photo by Dutch Savage

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 9

Safe Haven from Spooky

Paul Danke, contributor

Whew. You made it. Shit, man. This edition of Savage Henry is spooky af. I mean, DAMN, these burnout magazine writers are TWISTED. I’m freaking, DID YOU READ THAT LAST ARTICLE?! Smh. Scary. Which is why, as a service to you and everyone, I created this article to be a safe haven from spooky. Yep, that’s right, take a breather, baby, you are safe… shhhhhh, shhhhhh shhhhhhh, it’s okay. Nothing scary here, just kittens and grilled cheese sandwiches w/ tomato soup and, oh, I don’t know, what’s not scary at all, uh, brand new socks… ahhhhhhhhhh. That’s nice. I leveled out; you? I’m not scared. That’s better, I mean, yeah, I’m stoned, but so are you, right? These are articles, right? It’s like Wes Craven and Steven King made a whole fleet of babies and they all started writing scary shit for S.H.I.T. I mean, I was laughing at first but should it be legal to print things this scary? Haha. Yeah that’s what I thought. Wait. Shit… who answered me? REVEAL YOURSELF!!!! Fudge y’all I’m writing this alone (I’m alone I’m alone I’m alone) and someone just answered -- OH AMMITALL… a wet-willy?! What the fuck, man, is this some tween ghost -- AHHHHHHH. I’M BEING BULLIED BY A GHOST ;wakbdjsfv;k.jasbdfgkjasb jS:DK.jvb;dfjkn;asDJKLVB;DJNZG;s ohnoohnoohnoohnooooooooooo Hey everyone, this is a ghost. My name is Tyler; I died when I tried to skateboard off my roof and into this kiddie pool. Good news/bad news. Good news: I fucking landed it -- badass as shit, right? Bad news: I celebrated by chugging a Jolt cola (is it still 1995? Time is weird when you die) and my fucking heart exploded, which was so tight!! Anyway I gotta go; it’s nacho night in HELL. PEACE. Ps. Also I just killed this Paul guy, what an ass-fart. PPS. Beetlejuice 2 huh? That’s tight. I’d have liked that, but there’s no joy in hell. PISS. Savage Henry rules and the Devil is super into it, especially the cover art.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 11

I Should Just Cut My Balls Off: Reggae on the River 2015

“I should just cut my balls off…” My experience at Reggae on the River 2015. That doesn’t sound very reggae of me, does it? Reggae on the River may be the scariest place on earth if you let the drugs get to you. Walking around this festival, I couldn’t tell if I was an extra in the new Mad Max movie or if I was witnessing the creation of the next supervirus. I was just expecting a good time listening to reggae and smoking some weed in lovely Southern Humboldt, but once the drugs took hold this place turned into a post-apocalyptic warzone full of zombies, wastoids, and me. Gone are the laughing dreadies and hula hoop girls; out come the nightcrawlers and the steel-eyed gaze of a man who’s been stuck in the porta potty for far too long. My trip to Reggae started off innocently -- yours truly covering the festival for Savage Henry Magazine. But what unfolded was true horror. When the sun is shining the festival has a positive vibe going: kids playing, rastas smiling, and roots reggae jamming from all around. It’s when the sun sets that the tone shifts from happy reggae to endof-the-world apocalypse. Kids are zipped up tight in their tents, the smiles fade into creepy grins, and eyes go from bloodshot to total blackout. This is when the fear sets in. Someone fucked a monkey to get AIDS off the ground, and looking around at the crowd here… someone is already fucking a monkey, and it’s prolly the guy we met named Jumanji. I’ve seen the movie Outbreak. I know what’s 12

Adam Jacobs, contributor

going down, Zombie Apocalypse at Reggae, or status quo.

I may have eaten too much of Danny’s magical mushroom chocolate but I did split my time the first night either locked in my tent or a filthy porta potty trying to poop (side note… I NEVER POOPED)! Let me back up a little. We spent the first day of Reggae just getting our bearings and feeling the place out because our initial goal was to film some funny footage for a YouTube video. All was going as planned until we met a girl who said she was having the worst day ever, and, of course, we had to find out why. She said she met a guy named Danny who gave her a bite of mushroom chocolate, and she immediately threw up and had to chill out in the woods for a while. We now knew that it was our mission to find Danny and sample his fine chocolates. Danny was easy to spot she said, a short Latino gentleman who was as wide as he was tall, looked like he had no head and sort of floated as he talked… “Oh we got this,” I said. Wouldn’t you know it… we found him at what the locals called “the drug tables.” The only problem was Danny only had one chocolate left… we contemplated and said, “Fuck it, we can share…” I, being the adventurer in the group, took half; the other two travelers ate a ¼ each. Little did we know, but these chocolates were the STRONGEST hallucinogens we had ever taken. This is when reggae got scary… daytime reggae is so happy, but

nighttime reggae -- the fear is real, and I knew my tent was the safest place. Wouldn’t you know it, Jumanji found us again and warned us that his throat was getting scratchy; we knew this was the new killer virus and Jumanji was patient ZERO. I now knew that it was Jumanji or me, so I did what any man would do: hide in the porta potty. Shit is piled high in the shitter at Reggae at 1:30 am; the shit suckers haven’t been around in many hours and the scent of that chemical cinnamon they use to cover up the smell of poo is long gone. Its just me, some schrooms and a shitty porta potty, and I was so damn terrified that I stayed in said shitter for 30 mins. I finally gathered up the strength to leave the porta potty only to find Jumanji had savagely eaten my companions… The reggae virus started in August of 2015 and quickly engulfed the Emerald Triangle, head shops and weed shops all up the western coast were ravaged, Jumanji was patient Zero and yes he did fuck a monkey. Happy reggae y’all.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 13

NOW PLAYING: THE BEST OF CURRENT, CUTTING-EDGE HORROR MOVIES, GUARANTEED TO TERRIFY ALIEN IMMIGRATION

R. Herring, contributor

Ted Cruz, while playing “pig on a spit” with the Koch brothers, begins experiencing sharp stomach pain, which he blames on a Cuban sandwich he had eaten earlier. Suddenly, he explodes and a large alien bursts forth, rushing headlong in horrifying fashion to register in a CPA training program and apply for student aid. Due to the foreign nature of the sandwich, Donald Trump declares the alien illegal, and attacks it by going on at great length about the hard work and integrity it took for him to build his personal net worth to 12 billion dollars, from the mere 10 billion he inherited. Then Trump heroically calls the alien a rapist. The alien responds by eating Trump, but it chokes to death, coughing up Trump’s hairpiece as it dies. The hairpiece’s poll numbers spike, and it continues as the favorite in the Republican primary.

THE TALKING DEAD A zombie plague hits the United States hard, with thousands every day joining the walking dead, preying upon the living, and pushing civilization to the edge of collapse. The President gives a valiant rallying speech to congress, requesting a war declaration in order to wipe out the zombies. However, Republican congressmen launch a filibuster to block the vote, claiming “the science is not conclusive” that a zombie apocalypse is actually happening, and that “there are Photo by Dutch Savage two sides to this debate.” Sen. Paul says, “yes, some people’s brains are being eaten, but this could simply be due to normal, natural changes in the brain-eating patterns of the earth’s peoples.” Sen. Santorum claims the whole thing is a hoax launched by vegetarians to make meat-eaters look bad, hurting the meat industry, “and really, what’s so bad about eating human flesh, anyway? I mean it’s just meat, right?” He then proves his point by eating his own foot. Eventually, the president agrees to an “all-of-the-above approach,” where one third of the army is deployed against “brain-eating extremists,” one third is deployed against vegetarians, and one third is deployed playing beach volleyball, to maintain consumer confidence during the crisis.

KINGS KONG

Not one but two giant male gorillas are discovered and brought to New York by a courageous but irresponsible empresario. They escape captivity, and rampage through the city, laying waste to much of Manhattan. The army is called out, under the command of General Joseph “Fightin’ Joe” Hanrahan. However, as the army approaches, the gorillas kiss, and it becomes clear they are romantically attracted to each other. Hanrahan then refuses to fight them, stating that “war is supposed to be fought between rigidly defined masculine archetypes, which my personal belief system defines as heterosexual. I did not become a general in the United States Army to fight a same-sex war. If I were to open fire on this same sex couple, it would legitimize them, and, after personal, in depth discussions with God, I have decided that I cannot do that.” Although court-ordered to engage the giant gorillas in combat, the general receives a stay to seek appeal, during which the city is trampled and most of his army is eaten. In the final shot, the gorillas swim off into the sunset together with stunning synchronization, to honeymoon in Puerto Rico. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 15

David Lee Roth’s Tips for Success

Zack Newkirk, staff

Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth has lived quite the life. He's had ups and downs, highs and lows, but all in all, his has been a life filled with success, whether as a singer, an actor, an author, or a celebrity. Recently Diamond Dave sat down with Savage Henry to talk about some of his keys to a successful life.

1) YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHA-HA-HAAAAAAA 2) WUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUGHHH

3) MMMOOOOOOOOOOO-RABABABOW 4) SCOOBITY BOP-BOP

5) HEY

The answer is 3. 3 Donatella Versaces can fit in Donatella Versace’s skin. @bloglin 16

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 17

The Europonic® line provides premium plant nutrient supplements your plants require for vigorous, explosive growth.

The age-old question: Would you rather have a positive sexual experience with a ghost or an alien?

Sarah Godlin, staff

I can’t take credit for this question. It was asked at a large, um, rhymes with rim clean. Humboldt homies, you know what I’m talking about. Let us explore possibilities: Positive sex with an alien: Maybe they have some crazy technology that induces never before felt feelings. It’s got to be positive, so the probing is all consensual. Then they fly away and your wife never has to know. Drawbacks: Alien babies being born through your chest cavity Positive sex with a ghost: Perhaps they revisit every night. When you’re not engaged in ghost sex you can dive into some research on the actual person who died. Maybe you can date their great grandson. Drawbacks: Ummmm, substance if you catch my drift. *** Winner: Alien. Sorry Patrick.

FossilFuel® Humic Acid is derived from Leonardite, a rare form of lignite coal made of ancient plant materials and the best source of humic acids. FossilFuel promotes healthy soils and growing media which in turn help to produce lush plant growth and expansive root systems. Nitrozime® Marine Algae Extract contains over 50 trace minerals and macro nutrients. Long know to farmers for its rich value, seaweed feeds plants with a wide range of nutrients, growth bio-stimulators and conditioners. At the root level Nitrozime stimulates beneficial soil microbe activity while providing important nutrients. When used as a foliar spray, Nitrozime is immediately absorbed through leaves for maximum beneficial effect. Rockwool Conditioning Solution™ contains a premium blend of pH controls and pure mineral salts, which are ideal for pre-conditioning rockwool and stonewool growing media products before starting seeds, clones, and transplants.

Silicate has 11% Silicon Dioxide, making it one of the strongest Silica products on the market. Silica helps to strengthen plants and increases resistance to environmental stresses including heat, drought, and cold.

Ask For Europonic Products At Your Favorite Hydro Store! 18

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 19

City Living

Yuri Kagan, contributor

Being this is the “Spooky issue” I would like to talk about what’s spooky to me. It’s my complacency. I’ve heard people say to get out of San Francisco before it makes you soft or to leave New York before it makes you too hard. I have lived in San Francisco for exactly 11 years. I have been a dot commer working for a fledgling startup. I have been rich here. I have been a poor struggling artist here too. Did you know standup comics don’t get benefits or a 401K? I didn’t. I have watched rent skyrocket here, then tumble, then skyrocket again. I have watched homeless people educate tourists on the basics of Human Sexuality as that used to be a prerequisite for living here. I have watched bad neighborhoods become fancy ones. The first sign of this is the opening of an over-priced kids clothing store ran by moms who look like they only live on Chardonnay and ugly patterns. I have also watched cars get broken into even in the best of neighborhoods and passive-aggressive San Franciscans pretending not to see it. That’s our meadow here. Ignorance is bliss here. Unless it’s someone smoking a cigarette on a sidewalk, we demonize those people. Smoke a joint and you are instantly a hero. This is what it means to live in an ever-growing city. I have watched Western Edition (what used to be a working-class neighborhood) scoot over a block every year or two. I have also watched areas

TATTOO OF THE MONTH

that used to be famous for muggings get renamed with acronyms like “NOPA” and all of a sudden they are the new hip spot of the moment. I have watched tourists lose their shit in front of the “Mrs. Doubtfire” house as though it had belonged to their own cross-dressing nanny of a father. I have also watched the homeless problem in San Francisco just get worse instead of improving. Don’t get me wrong. I love living here. I love that with an iphone and a new limit on a credit card, I can have almost anything delivered to my house from drugs to food to furniture it’s amazing. The point I am making is change is normal. San Francisco, like Madonna’s hair, has changed more times than we like to admit. The thing that has changed is that I will never be able to leave my apartment and stay in this city. This is why moving in with a significant other is so hard. I lost my last rent- controlled apartment due to love and instantly understood every Lionel Richie song.

This tattoo gets a giant gold WTF. I’m spooked that this person exists. -SG 20

This is why relationships are so hard here. I have rent control. This means I am stuck in the ever-changing urinal that is the Tenderloin. Dave Chappelle once said he had never seen crack smoked so casually until visiting here. It’s a fair observation. Don’t get me wrong. This area has drastically improved. The block I live on was once considered too scary to walk through. Now it’s only considered occasionally scary. Thanks to the over priced- BBQ place that opened around the corner and the occasionally open expensive personal drip place a block away, things are changing for the better. Now my block is covered with half as many drug dealers but what hasn’t changed is the shit on my darn stoop. Every day. Poop on the stoop. Streets covered in homeless people, piss, vomit and sometimes just plain old malt liquor. What scares me is that I am so used to the poops and piss covered sidewalks that I don’t even notice it anymore until a visitor points it out. Now this is city living. Oooh! Spooky! www.savagehenrymagazine.com 21

Six Signs He Lied About Being a Ghost to Get Rid of You and Doesn’t Want to Marry You, Even Though He is Way Way Way Wrong

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

1) He mentioned that he has to get up early for a dentist appointment. Ghosts don’t need to go to the dentist! Does he think you’re an idiot? 2) Weeks before he told you he was a ghost; he told you he was seeing someone, but when you watched her through his bathroom window you saw her and she’s not even cute and she dresses stupid. When he finally decided to bring around the soulless-dead-fish eyes fake “girlfriend” you found out she’s not even funny, and she barely has a pulse. 3) When he wanted to have a serious talk, it started out by sounding like some bullshit break-up or something, but we all know that men are terrible communicators and need help. You helped him understand that he was confused and that you were able to read between the lines and that’s how you ended up accepting his marriage proposal. 4) His friends didn’t know you were engaged or that he was a ghost and would just look at you like you were crazy. 5) He still goes to work everyday. Why would a ghost need to go to work everyday? That doesn't make any sense. 6) He filed a restraining order with the courts. If he was a ghost, how could he show valid identification? That’s not how that works.

What you think your new braces will look like:

What they actually look like:

-SG 22

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 23

What the Colors in Your Toilet Mean California's in the middle of a drought, they say, so we need to be flushing our toilets a little less. Here's a rhyming guide to help you decide to when to conserve that sweet, precious john water and when to dump it down into the sewers.

Zack Newkirk, staff

- If it's brown, flush it down - If it's yellow, let it mellow - If it's red, you'll soon be dead - If it's white, quite all right - If it's black, intestinal tract - If it's clear, A-OK - If it's green, Ben Vereen - If it's umber, Ben Vereen - If it's orange, flush it down - If it's purple, Ben Vereen - If it's pink, flush it down - If it's gray, flush it down - You know what, just go ahead and flush it all down

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 25

An Open Letter from that VHS Tape from The Ring

Robert Berry, contributor

“SEVEN MORE DAYS!”

It’s been NINE fucking years since I’ve been able to say that! Sure, there was a point where being a cursed video tape that would kill anyone who watched it seven days later seemed like a great gig, but these days? Not so much! I’ve been sitting in a Goodwill, mistakenly placed inside of a Revenge of the Nerds 2 (Nerds In Paradise) case for EIGHT years now. I’m thinking my days of sending a greasyhaired girl through a TV screen to creatively murder some poor schmuck who watched me are over. That Necronomicon fella from The Evil Dead films has it easy. I mean, if you see a spooky book with a face on the cover, you’re probably gonna read it out loud! A haunted video tape? Not so much! I know a cursed POG that’s killed more people than I’ve been able to. Help me out, would you? Seriously! I’ve got FIFTY BUCKS if one of you would transfer me to DVD. I heard that’s the next big thing. Of course, I don’t know because I’ve been in this damn thrift store next to a boxed set of Season 3 of The Gilmore Girls since forever. Hell, I’ll settle for someone dubbing a copy of me on to the end of the “Chocolate Rain” YouTube video. Perhaps it’s my punishment for vanity and being technologically shortsighted. I could have taken over my grandfather’s cursed monkey paw gig, or the Zuni Fetish Doll that’ll kill you it you remove the tab, but NOOOOOO, I had to hop on this VHS bandwagon. “It’s the wave of the future”, they said. “BLOCKBUSTER Video has thousands of customers a day,” they said. It’s almost as bad as the time cashed out my 401K to buy 5,000 shares of RadioShack stock. That evil spirit from The Grudge gets to kill people who just walked into a house! Jason from Friday The 13th has the ridiculously easy qualifier of only killing horny teenagers! It’s just not fair at all! Unlike those asshole vinyl albums across the aisle that still get bought by hipsters, I don’t think there will be a huge VHS resurgence. Well, I had a good run and should be happy for what I’ve accomplished. I used to be somebody. Regards, VHS Tape from The Ring 26

Have you seen my cellphone? It’s got a Hello Kitty case…

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 27

Ancient artS TATTOOING &PIERCING.

�

1065 K Street

� OPEN

Arcata, Calif. Any piercing only

Mon.-Sat.

“The Red Building” at Redwood Acres 28

“I admire the hell out of you for picking the clergy, especially the catholic faith. That’s a shitton of dedication. But what’s with all the freaky Latin shit?” “Let’s log jam for Satan!”

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee

High Quality Ciders from Humboldt County

3750 Harris Street, Eureka CA

“Hey, listen...I don’t want to be a problem, but these straps are, like, super tight. Any way we can loosen them a little bit? Thanks!” “Rosebud!”

Huge Selection Of Affordable Body Jewelry

SH staff

1973 was a different time. Obviously. But even more so with what movie companies were allowed to play for us without getting fined with some indecency charge from the FCC, or getting an X rating from the Motion Picture Association of America. So when The Exorcist came out they were forced to retake and overdub some of the lines the “Demon” says to the priests during the exorcism. You thought “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell” was bad. You haven’t heard anything yet! Here’s a list of lines that needed to be changed.

“Let’s put a statue in the Oklahoma capitol building!”

12noon-8pm

Tasting Room and Production Facility

Lines Cut from The Exorcist

with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!” “Give me an S! Give me an A! Give me a T! Give me an A! GIve me an N! What’s that spell!?!?!?!?!” “Benghazi! Where’s the beef?! Iran Contra! Gamergate! On fleek!” “You jerks can’t stop me. I have all the power of heck behind me! Lemme go, you creeps!”

Photo by Dutch Savage

“The Red Building” At Redwood Acres

Tasting Room & Production Facility Humboldt’s Only Hard Cider Company

Insta

3750 Harris St, Eureka CA 95503

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 29

I Hope I Don’t Die.

Article and photos by Dutch Savage, staff

We were truck driving just west of the Rockies, on a coast to coast tour of junky junctions and obsolescence peppered with rumored ghost houses. We came to a crossroads. One direction was labelled "Ralph Macchio,” and the other "Britney Spears.” The scarecrow wasn't any real help. The radio transmitted a rare broadcast of the fantastic paranormal podcast radio show called ILLUMINATI BY NATURE, something about a cursed bend in a river, with witches floating down the African village road, people turning into snakes and birds. The blackest crows appeared from the murder confetti. The uglier one was called “Chris,” the ugliest named “Robinson.” Our money maker shook all the way down that dirt corridor. I am still not sure which direction we chose. A hitchhiker appeared to glow in old white garb and stood on the edge of the desolate road. We ran him over just to make sure he was not a specter from beyond. Fear can really influence a person. Everyone behind us must now deal with the urban legend that was created that night. Sorry! The Eureka Inn has a manifestation in the lady’s room shitter. A spirit with booooobs. Ghosts are stirring in the kitchen; seems appropriate. Unfinished business, I guess. Chocolate chip spookies. I wonder what the old loggers and their ilk think about the (19)80s dance night there in the bar. That’s probably the one night of the week where the dead are truly terrified by the living. So far it seems as though the resident spirits don’t mind the comedy nights, but they probably don’t get a lot of the jokes. Here’s one that I thought of a while ago: Q: What does a depressed ghost say? A: “I wish I was not dead!” Call me stupidstitious, but I have yet to do that one at any of the open mics in the haunted Eureka Inn, but only because that joke kind of sucks.

Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 31

... continued from previous page My mother had an out of body experience when she was young. With a warm feeling of no fear she hovered over her body as it floated in the ocean before being rescued by a swimmer. She later awoke in a recovery room where she first thought there were two sinks. I had an out of body experience thanks to my mother, when I was a really little kid. When I was a really, really, really, really, really little kid. A baby. When I was born. My mother’s body. It was an experience. Now days I have an out of body experience every time I pull out! Or at least that is how I like to look at it. I don’t believe in guardian angels, but I do believe that there are dead midgets who have watched me have sex. It’s kind of the same thing. This morning I poured milk on my great grandfather’s ashes. “Reincarnation Instant Breakfast.” He wasn’t that “great.” Jeffrey Dahmer can eat a bowl of dicks. I was in the forest, and I ran into Bigfoot. He was very upset. I said, “What’s wrong, Bigfoot?” It turns out that the girl that he likes, she doesn’t even know that he exists. A lot of people don’t believe in Bigfoot because they never found a body. Well, now you know why I don’t believe in “Jesus.” If you wanted Grandma to go to Heaven so bad, then why did you put her in the ground? Now she’s closer to Hell! My dying wish is going to be, “I hope I don’t die!” But when I do die, if I do die, and if I can indeed come back, maybe I will be lucky enough to haunt the 80s night at the Eureka Inn.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 33

My Sister Sees The Dead and I'm Afraid of Dying Andrea (Hypochandrea) Bartunek, contributor I have never seen a ghost and I’m not sure if I want to. I have definitely felt a ghost, or maybe that was some weird sleep disorder. I’m not sure, but I’m a hypochondriac, so I’ll go with the latter. I guess I’m not open to it enough to see a ghost, or maybe it’s some weird psychological disease, but who knows. Again, a hypochondriac, so going with the latter. I think I might have seen the ghost of my cat, Bootsy. But enough about me. Apparently my sister, Linda, has seen ghosts and sees ghosts and has been bothered by ghosts. She told me she tells them to shut up. We went on a family vacation to Italy and stayed in probably the oldest hotel in Rome. Linda and I were walking down the hallway of the 3rd floor when she stopped and turned around. “What are you doing?” I asked and she shushed me up and said “I think I saw an old man ghost. This place is haunted” And haunted it was. Linda and I shared a room and I got super cold and the chills that night when I was trying to go sleep. I guess that happens when ghosts are around. Or again, as a hypochondriac, I could have had a mini-stroke or something. In the morning she told me it was that old man ghost. What a creep. Just a dead old Italian pervert running through the halls. Great hospitality. I do believe my sister as much as I joke about it. She said that ghosts do legitimately bother her when she is trying to go to sleep. I wonder how much that old man bothered her. I can see how that hotel could be haunted, and I believe it. I’m sure my childhood home is haunted. A bunch of foster kids lived there before us and it’s old. I bet those kids hardcore messed with my sister. That’s probably why Linda was annoyed by so many ghosts in our house. It’s okay, she would just yell at them, “GET AWAY FROM ME.” Linda would hit a ghost if she needed to (and if it’s even possible). I’m not sure exactly what I would do if confronted by an annoying ghost. I don’t know what to do when I’m confronted by an annoying actual person. My sister once told me, “You need to learn how to hit people.” I don’t hit people but I’d hit a ghost if it’s possible. I’m glad my sister was born with this “gift” and not me. I’ll take the hypochondria over interacting with the deceased.

C.B. Kelly 34

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 35

New Names

Cornell Reid, staff

Name-aste.

New names is a monthly piece where I, Cornell Reid, make up names. This Month: Plazoid Names

Plazoids are the dready panhandlers that hang around the Arcata Plaza. These are their names (I’m guessing).

Thunder Nuts Gnar Nugs Donny Longtooth Tofurkey Meth MacFarlane Julia Robfarts Hempy Dreadturd Ralphalfa Sageburnstein Patchouli the Aviary Tiger Fish

we can’t wait

Johnny Sublime “My Dad’s A Corporate Lawyer in Dallas” Tosh Marley

to show you our goods

Mon-Sat: 8am-6pm Sun: 9am-5pm

(707) 826-7435 Hwy. 101, between Eureka & Arcata in the Bracut Industrial Park

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 37

Nation’s Uteruses and Cervixes Barricade Themselves in Abandoned Mall In a desperate attempt to defend themselves from the onslaught of ravenous zombies seeking to consume and thereby control their very function through viral infections, biting, or aggressive, shitty legislature, our nation’s wealth of female reproductive systems have all taken refuge in a local abandoned mall.

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Spearheading the last vestige of independent choice concerning their fates, the Cervix and the Uterus have taken to using crude implements such as spiked bats and electric wire to defend themselves from succumbing to the newfangled ravenous horde that looks to feed on their resources, so long as it serves them. The Photo by Dutch Savage Ovaries, to ensure that their partners would make it to their shelter safely, nobly gave their own lives in Utah by igniting a self-styled vest of anti-frag grenades -- buying time for their chopper to lift off before the throng of zombies feasted upon the Ovaries’ charred remains, and voted on whether or not all of the remaining eggs that they held should be used as breeding stock for the state. However, without the Uterus in which to carry them to term, the zombies were quickly in hot pursuit, as the female reproductive organs still had no idea what the way to "shut that whole thing down" was. In cases such as these, classified as "Legitimate Zombie Apocalypses," there is little that can be done by the remaining female sexual organs, other than to protect themselves by any means necessary, often resulting in complete and total seclusion, much to the dismay of many decent men, and many lesbian women. However, as the Cervix reasoned, "You're all beginning to look like threats, like zombies, to us now. So we're staying in this mall until we don't have to have this fucking conversation anymore. THAT'S fucking spooky, my friends. We don't belong to the zombies, we never have. We belong to the women we live inside, and that's that. It's 2015, haven't they made enough of these stories already? And seriously, an abandoned mall again?" The Uterus chimed in, "Well, now that they're about to get Planned Parenthood again, it was either this, an alleyway, or Mexico." Survivors, whichever female sexual and reproductive organs are available, are encouraged to arm themselves with as much ammo as possible, literal or figurative, until we can figure out through reason or science, exactly how to wipe these zombies off the face of the Earth for good. But please, for the love of God, keep putting out if you feel like it, and completely on your own terms.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 39

Horror Movie Review: Labyrinth

Ray McMillin, staff

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought... to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours." Living skeleton David Bowie plays himself in Labyrinth, one of the scariest movies ever to emerge from the twisted mind of Jim Henson. Labyrinth details a terrifying scenario in which Bowie stalks a teenage girl before breaking into her bedroom while the parents are away. Sarah, the frail, helpless teen who is abducted by Bowie, is subjected to a series of mind-fucks, Saw-esque traps, and hallucinations caused, in part, by a chemical sedative that Bowie feeds to the girl at a rave. All she knows is that Bowie wants a child, one that belongs to her. As the story progresses, classic symptoms of dissociative PTSD emerge in the teen girl, and as missing time becomes unaccounted for by her own realization that Bowie wants her baby, the film eventually delivers a chilling climax in which Sarah is forced to acknowledge that her attacker has no power over her. As the third act attempts to resolve itself, Sarah learns that she is not only in control of the demons responsible for her abduction, but that they will always be waiting, on command, in her closet. Some even possess her toys, clearly a throwback to the moral undertones of classic Hitchcock, specifically the idea of conflict stemming from sexualized innocence manifested through symbolism.

Labyrinth is a shocking (but extremely relevant) horror film that opened the door for future female protagonists in feministfriendly horror fare like High Tension and Showgirls. At times, the metaphors become a little too obvious, but still ring true to the viewer. For instance, male audiences will clearly identify Ludo's involvement in assisting Sarah with the Bog of Eternal Stench as an almost literal interpretation of prison rape, and how to avoid it by romantically befriending a bear before becoming a shower bitch. Still, many thematic undertones retain a sense of genius subtlety. Did anyone else catch the Evil Dead shoutout? With Labyrinth, 40

Henson establishes himself as a true master of psychological horror.

4.5/5 Stars

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 41

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost – The Adam Bathe Interview

PALINDROME OF THE MONTH

Isaac Kozell, staff

I recently chatted with Portland based and comic Savage Henry Comedy Festival performer Adam Bathe about stand-up, hallucinogenic experimentation, the singularity and – because this is the Spooky Issue – ghost hunting. Isaac Kozell: How long have you been doing comedy?

Adam Bathe: I've been performing and touring for 3 years. IK: Where did you get your start? AB: I've been trying to make people laugh my whole life. My severe ADHD makes me a non stop jabberbox, but I found out at an early age that if it was at least funny, people would be less likely to try and tie me up and mail me in a box on a slow boat to China. IK: What's the best thing about the Portland scene?

DNA LAND

AB: Definitely the booze. And maybe the food trucks. IK: I gather from your social media profiles that you're a pretty big fan of drugs. What are your favorites and why? AB: The hallucinogenic family tree - DMT, MDMA, LSD, mushrooms (they're my favorite), ayahuasca, salvia, peyote, and mescaline – is where I spend my infinite subconscious time, mostly because it's like the hyperbolic time chamber in Dragon Ball, which allows me to tackle huge ideas, but partly because I'm allergic to the grand majority of "drugs" in existence, even Aleve.

Presents

Pub Nights Open Until 1:30am every Thursday Friday and Saturday New menu starting at 10pm

What else are you gonna do? Go to the Bars? 1642 1/2 G St. Arcata, CA (707)822-8433 Next to the Hutch in Northtown Arcata heyjuanburrito@gmail.com 42

6 Beers on tap Mi Best Mimosas in Town serving tacos, nachos, and Quesadillas

IK: What sets mushrooms apart from the pack for you? AB: They're the most comfortable and feel like I'm tapping into some deeper consciousness that's so infinitely caring, and all knowing, and happy. Plus you can take them almost every day. IK: How can I achieve transcendence? AB: You can't really achieve transcendence until we all achieve it. Transcendence is just an adjective, a fancy way to say not only rise above, but overcome, adapt, and ultimately progress forward on a completely new path forged with tools found along the old ones. You can help us to achieve it by helping your fellow man remove their invisible shackles. Help them break their false chains of hate and greed and give them light to see the mud in which they toil. The way to do Continued next page...

∙

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 43

Adam Bathe (continued from previous page)

r e t a w e v r e s con H T I W S T N E I R & NUT m e t s y s p i r d a

that is share undeniable truth. Open their eyes through understanding and unstoppable peace. Also, we should all upload our consciousness into data and remove our mortal coils. Even the bible uses that language. IK: Sounds like a lot of work.When do you think the singularity will become a reality? AB: Hopefully soon. These mushy bodies are mighty fragile. If you think about it though, thanks to social media, it technically already has happened. We're just currently trapped in some weird call and response echo Turing test where we'll find out we are all already in the hive mind inside the computer. IK: I hear that you've had some interesting paranormal encounters. Can you tell me about those? AB: Well, I was born and raised in the most haunted city on the east coast, Savannah, GA and spent a lot of time working for local ghost tour companies, as well as leading ghost hunting groups around the southeast to inspect haunted properties with ghost hunting equipment. I've caught several pictures of ghosts in the immediate area of our searches, as well as EVP, and even experienced moving objects.

talk with our on staff drip expert

IK: Were there any distinguishable phrases in the EVPs?

AB: I definitely believe that there are more active, aware, and angry leftover energy beings in the Southeast, whereas the Pacific Northwest typically has unaware image echo type ghosts. I believe this is related to the different amount of emotionally charged events that, historically, are quite prevalent in the Southeast. The Pacific Northwest is a highly active psy energy field, which makes lots of whirlpools of time shifting and neutrino blast fields, resulting in these repeating apparitions.

Monthly Confession

AB: "Leave" and "go away" are the most typical ones. IK: Do ghosts have a sense of humor?

Open 9am - 6pm, Seven Days a Week 822-9888 76 South G. St., Arcata (Across from the Marsh)

HUMBOLDT GROWN SINCE 1987 44

AB: I believe some do. There are many different types of what many people would label "ghosts," but there are several different kinds of spectral sights and some are just that, images resonating through time, not actually present in our current reality and therefore unaware. Those that are trapped, or lost leftover energy – or soul – remain like a force of will to not let their consciousness continue. Those ones typically have some humor, though quite macabre. IK: Is there good money in ghost hunting? AB: Nah. Not unless you can find and convince a treasure hoarding spirit to give up its secrets, but your necromancy skill better be maxed out. Just saying. IK: Any difference between Southern ghosts and Northwestern ghosts?

When I was 10, while my mom was driving, I yanked the steering wheel from the passenger seat and we swerved off the road. I told her the Devil made me do it and she never mentioned it again. -SG

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 45

Questions with Gary: a professional ghost Patrick Dangermond, contributor

State your name My name’s Gary and I am a ghost.

What were you like when you were alive?

I was a seventh century professional acteur! Oh really! So what happened to you?

Oh I was an awful acteur. In fact, after a particularly mundane rendition of John Fletcher’s The Noble Gentleman, I was pelted to death with rotten tomatoes. Oh that’s awful.

Awful entertaining for the audience though! <awkward pause and dual blank stares>

Ok! Let’s get back to it. What’s your favorite way to spook someone? I always enjoy goosing them with a ghost thumb to the rectum. Gross and terrifying.

And sensual! Ectoplasmic ghost erections can be quite intense! Yes yes, we are all erect. Right then, who was your favorite person to haunt?

We all had a good laugh at the ghosting office.

I always enjoyed a good spooking of that delightful Helen Keller. She would make these noises like “HENH HENH HENH” and breathe so heavily. Everyone thought it was a miracle but it was really my thumb up her bum! We all had a good laugh at the ghosting office. Tell me more about this ghosting office.

Certainly! That’s where we go after a hard night’s work and chat about our days, who we spooked and drink our ghost coffee. On Friday we had these delightful ghost doughnuts and they were ju… Hold on...what the heck are ghost doughnuts?

Oh they are the best. They are made from phantasmic yeast and the reproductive fluid of a ghost buffalo. They have a certain je ne’sais quoi. That’s disgusting but also highly appetizing.

You should try them. They have a flavor that will haunt you tastebuds. Ok, do you have time for one more question?

Yes...I do need to get back to my ghosting though.

If you could go back in time and haunt one person, who would it be? Hmmm….a fancy question! I believe that I would haunt Ronald Reagan because he seems like the type who would shit his pants with a good scare. Who doesn’t love a good poopy pants party?

Excellent choice. Well thank you for your time and best of luck going into the spooky season.

Thank you and boo to you all! www.savagehenrymagazine.com 47

Things that Should Totally be Illegal In 1970, Cannabis was deemed a schedule 1 narcotic, making the selling and possession of the substance a federal offense. Isn't that fucking bogus? I think cannabis is a schedule FUN narcotic. Anyway, here's some dumb things I think should be illegal, maybe.

Evan Vest, contributor

Crying on television Talking about your kids on Facebook Riding a fixed-gear bike with a smug look on your face Listening to Creed within 50 yards of a school Fake Avocados Whipping out the Borat impression on the first date Karate kicks inside of the mosh pit Watching an entire concert through your cell phone’s camera List articles

Ed note: Wtf are fake avocados? I should probably ask someone at Subway in the Midwest.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

All Work

Chris Durant, staff

All work and no Pabst makes Chris a dull boy.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 51

LS| |THIS|SHIT|IS|FOR|REE |MICHEL|SARGENT,|STAFF| A sick paranoid doctor drinks gin with his evening shave, takes poison with an antidote chaser and enjoys presiding over séances to cross over to the next level. His adulterous wife convinces her paramour to kill the doc who then comes back as The Ghost (1963) to haunt the murderous couple with cheap special F/X, bad melodrama, shadows of the film crew and an awful Scooby Doo ending.

GROW BETTER From exclusive materials like Black Owl Biochar to the effective, economical nutrient delivery of liquid fish hydrolysate, Humboldt Ag Supply sources the best fertilizers for your garden or farm.

For your farm.

Know your dirt.

Custom Blending

Soil Testing

• Top dressings that target your unique nutrient needs. FarmDirect Pricing • Wholesale pricing available for bulk clients.

• Science and analysis for the best plan forward. Sustainable • Clean materials from reputable producers.

TO LEARN MORE OR START AN ACCOUNT, DROP US A LINE AT WEFARM@HUMBOLDTAGSUPPLY.COM

The Haunting (1963) is an effectively scary movie with an excellently eerie soundtrack, creepy sound F/X, beautiful cinematography, actors who can act and a house with a history of killing off its residents. The main character thought-narrates throughout and has a psychic connection to the house due to the non-related death of her mother. She hasn’t “a ghost of a chance.”

Curse Of The Crying Woman (1961) starts with an eyeless woman and her disfigured henchman killing the riders of a carriage draining their bodies of blood hoping to bring back a dead relative to bestow her with omnipotence, which she’ll need against the fake bats, the hairy beast husband-monster, apparitions that appear in mirrors and a sky full of eyeballs.

Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 53

... continued from previous page George C. Scott witnesses his wife and child die in a terrible accident so he moves into a huge haunted house alone. This one has all the makings of a good spooky movie with scary musical score, random appliances turning on and off, a creepy senator and a mysterious ghost with an angry puzzle. You’ll have to watch it to figure out who is The Changeling (1980).

Adult brother and sister follow their dog following a squirrel into a haunted house they quickly decide to purchase with melodrama, dorky romance, dorkier comedy and The Uninvited (1944) specter. Well shot with cool ghost F/X and your typical must-figure-out-mystery-of-ghost-to-put-ghost-to-rest story.

Some dudes challenge some dames to a drag race accidently racing them off a bridge. The lone survivor is a non-religious church organist who moves to Utah to creep out the local parishioners with her eerie playing. She sees ghoulish pasty-faced apparitions which seem to emanate from a deserted carnival turned Carnival Of Souls (1962). Come for the spooky atmospheric pacing, stay for the zombie-ghost-dance pipe organ freak out.

Innocents (1961) is another beautifully shot, intricately conceived, well-written and acted melodramatic ghost movie. A very unloving uncle hires a new governess for his niece and nephew who seem possessed when the governess sees ghostly figures appear. Screaming and exorcising ensue. Bonus synthesizer sound F/X by electronic music pioneer Daphne Oram.

Ugh… The

Continued next page...

∙ 54

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 55

... continued from previous page

|THE|END|

Bela Lugosi pretend dines with his missing wife. His missing wife is being hidden by his gardener (to no avail). His hired help has been mysteriously getting murdered. His daughter’s boyfriend has a relationship with a newly hired (and soon murdered) housekeeper to which the boyfriend is quickly charged, sentenced to death and executed. The boyfriend’s twin brother shows up vexing the unlit cigar-chewing detective who for some reason doesn’t suspect Bela, even when the murders continue to happen. And there are no poltergeists in Invisible Ghost (1941). So good!

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 57

Rare Phobias

Staff

People are a fuckin’t trip.People are scare of spiders (arachnaphobia), open spaces (agoraphobia) and Poorphobia (fear of poverty). Well science has to label everything nowadays and we found this list of rare fears buried in America Scientific Journal for Pussies.

FriendorPhobia - the fear of vague allies. Phophobia - the fear of noodle dishes. iphobia - the fear of Apples.

Teletubphobia - the fear of watching childrens TV shows while bathing. Hobo-Oboephobia - the fear of transients playing woodwinds. Willem DePhobia - the fear of ugly shit.

RoboLoboPhoboPhobia - the fear of being afraid of a robotic Los Lobos cover band.

Edmundfitzgeraldphobia - the fear of Gordon Lightfoot sea shanties. Fightthepowerphobia - the fear of a black planet. Blowmeflowbeephobia - the fear of having your genitals ripped off by a vacuum cleaner. Strawphobia - the fear of straws. Fauxbia - the fear of a fake bia.

Trans Siberian Orchestra phobia - the fear that at any given moment a group of androgynous dancers will appear and bore you to death. Pho-phobia - the fear of anything that starts with P-H-O or sounds like Pho including mispronounced words with For and Four. FolioPhobia - the fear of bushes.

Foophobia - the fear of the Foo Fighters.

Batmanphobia - the fear your life would of been way cooler if only you'd been tragically orphaned. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 59

Ben’s 10

Volume LCVI: Musicians That Resemble Spooky Individuals Ben Allen, music editor

Marilyn Manson resembles Morticia Addams

Jim James (My Morning Jacket) resembles Charles Manson

Scott Stapp (Creed) resembles Ozzy Osbourne

Jack White resembles Michael Jackson

Boy George resembles Boy George

Lyle Lovett resembles Frankenstein Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) resembles Freddy Krueger

Robert Smith (The Cure) resembles Edward Scissorhands

Violent J (Insane Clown Posse) resembles John Wayne Gacy

Coolio resembles Medusa

*Thanks to Chris Durant and Dutch Savage for their assistance with this months Ben’s 10. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 61

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Dam-Funk

The Tallest Man on Earth

Samantha Gilweit, contributor

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Invite the Light Have you lost the funk? Yeah, you have because we’ve all lost the funk. Look at us, in our business casual wear, drinking five dollar coffees, and saying terrible words like “infotainment.” We are FUNKLESS. But LA based electro/disco/funk artist Dâm-Funk is here to help. Dâm-Funk has been described as “Roller Disco.” I personally hate this term because this album would be fucking PERFECT to roller skate to, and Roller Discos are few and far between. But one could also listen to this album while cooking, fucking, and driving around high, so all is not lost. Invite the Light includes many collaborations with artists such as Ariel Pink, Flea, and Snoop Dogg and these tracks are arguably some of the best on the album. Invite the Light begins with a monologue warning mankind that our suffering has been caused by “our insistence on removing all elements of the funk.” While classic Parliament-esque musical stylings could possibly help solve Middle Eastern relations in the future, in the here and now the album could definitely put some funk back in your face. Which I’m sure you desperately need.

Dark Bird is Home

Without even attempting to keep in line with the overarching autumnal theme of this issue, the predominant word that floats through my mind as I ponder the gorgeous melodies, ethereal piano chords, and shockingly appealing tin-can resonance on the Tallest Man on Earth's third album is simply “haunting.” This particular record is significantly more produced than his prior two, as if the gears that crank the wheels of the Fleet Foxes and Edward Sharpe got the Tallest Man caught in their spokes. It lacks a bit of the raw, “howling-at-themoon” qualities that defined their other albums, but it's just too beautiful to get upset about. Listen to it once in the morning, and then again late at night, and the full breadth of their poetic goals shimmer through your mind like a crow gliding over a coastal sunset.

Rating: 10 out of 12 Cans of PBR!

Rating 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com 62

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 63

It’s Crunch Time... Do you want THIS GUY to decide if you are ready for harvest? WATER? “Dam the creek...” BUGS? “Fumigate, dude...” SOIL? “The red bag...” TINY PLANTS? “More clones...” DISEASE? “It’ll be fine...” MOLD? “Trim it good...” A 1% difference in yields can be worth $1000s. Set up a consultation today.

BE A PRO, NOT A BRO!

Science-based solutions for your growing needs.

Dirty Business Soil Call today for your appointment (707) 633-8885 DBSanalytics.com

The Spooky Inside We live in spooky times, my friends, and there is truly nothing spookier than human nature. Forget zombies, machetewielding mental patients wearing masks, and taint-busting Alien probes from beyond our galaxy… you, YES you, are the scariest thing out there. In general, I am speaking about so many things, but in this instance, we have to narrow it down.

Ausbon Brown, contributor

other, you’re not thinking clearly. For every guy, there was a woman on that site cheating on her husband. Well let’s be honest, it was probably 75% guys on that site, fighting over the few women that were bold enough to take their infidelity online. But now that I think about it, Ashley Madison sounds like it was a total sausage fest.

Women don’t need a website to indulge in their spooky human nature. It’s an easier path to infidelity for women. Because us guys, we are easy. Horny guys are like the undocumented workers standing outside of the Home Depot. We mean well, we’re super willing to work under you and we are just waiting for you to be like, “Hey Recently the website “Ashley Madison” you, get in.” That’s literally all it takes for a woman to find a guy to was hacked, revealing roughly 30 million have an affair with. A guy could be walking out of Starbucks and users who were seeking extramarital affairs. A lot of people decided to get angry a woman drives by, throws open her car door and says, “Hey you, get in.” So next time you look in the mirror, just know, it isn’t the at the website itself, calling it disgraceful apparition behind you that’s the spookiest thing in the room. It’s and claiming it encourages infidelity. your mistress hitting you up on your phone after 9pm when you told Ladies, the only thing encouraging her not to! God, damn Ashley Madison chicks, no boundaries. infidelity is your husband’s penis. That guy is a real asshole, I’m talking to you, Penis. All Ashley Madison did was tap into the spookiest thing of all: human nature. Ashley Madison did not cause all those men to cheat. Do you want to know what actually causes men to cheat? Facebook. Ok, no seriously, think about it. Men have been cheating and doing all kinds of nefarious shit for thousands of years. Human nature is frightening. Our willingness to betray those closest to us for five minutes of extramarital pleasure is disgusting. I say five minutes because when dudes are having affairs off of a website on their lunch break, there really isn’t any time for romance. And women, we can’t forget about you. I said human nature is spooky, not just man-nature. We can’t leave you out of the party here. You do some spooky stuff too, like put on those moisturizing face masks that scare the hell out of little children. Oh and you also cheat. You’re just a lot better at getting away with it than men. Like little spies with boobs. Folks, if you think Ashley Madison was 30 million men on a site, talking to each

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 65

Least Scary Ghosts

Sarah Godlin, staff

The ghost of Whoopi Goldberg’s eyebrows The ghost of physical road maps The ghost of Tom Green’s career The ghost of the See’s Candy lady The ghost of Jerry Garcia The ghost of the phonebook

What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month?

These Grown-Up Sodas It’s spooky how good these low sugar sodas are. Murder me for typing that. -SG 66

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 67

Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

Moonstone Porter Six Rivers Brewery Ok, so I haven’t written about any of Six Rivers’ beers yet, because, well, it hasn’t come to mind. Despite the wide offerings that they’re taphouse has, precious little is actually sold in 6-packs. I hadn’t done a dark beer in a while either, so here goes. Yeah, it’s pretty much what I thought it’d be. It’s your basic porter, but tweeked in such a way that it gives it enough of a distinct character to make it remarkable. It’s like this tasty mix of chocolate and coffee with a hint of prunes. I hope there aren’t actual prunes in this stuff, because I’ve sat down in my comfy chair, and there is no way that I’m getting up to use the bathroom.

Second Thing’s Second:

Alright,now the palate adjustment is done, and this beer is pretty good. So far, my tummy hasn’t told me there’s prunes in here. But have you ever tasted one of those gourmet chocolates that’s like 70% cacao, and then you eat it, but everyone’s hyped it up so much that you’re kinda predisposed to not liking it, because you don’t want to be one of the mindless droves of hipster bandwagoneers? Drinking this beer felt like how I didn’t really like Seinfeld until after the show was over, because when it was on, everyone was bugging me so much to watch Seinfeld because it was THAT good. In other words, this is the Seinfeld of porters.

Third thing’s...you get the idea: So I think I figured out how to

get thourh this non-pruned beer. I went next door to my place and got a brownie from Blondie’s I even lucked out and got a corner piece. But yeah, brownies and moonstone porter. Dig it.

ABV: 6.2%

First Things First:

Go Fourth:

Dude, this brownie is the shit. Ok, I wish i could rink milk, but NO, i had to go and be lactose intolerant. some might call me a milk bigot. Seriously, giv em ea bowl of ice cream, and you’ll have to make your bathroom look like a Dexter kill room. good thing i have more beer.

Fif: So like, is anyone else dissappointed

witht he ending of Dexter? maybe he should have been a milk bigot. This beer is not the Dester of poertes. It’s the Seinfeld.

Six: I’m really lreally full. And kinda buzzed. I just want to clost my eyes whil eai type thins thing, cuz somehoe whtat feels peaceful. I think im’ hitting the right keys. Buy and/or make brownies. Brownes should come with every purchase of this beer. And milk. or Almond milk. Or whatever it is you other people besdies me drink instead of regular milk. Buy it.

Josh is a seasoned drinker that sufficiently pads his walls to prevent any harm or injury to himself while he writes his column. Be like Josh, and take overambitious precautions to consume alcohol in a safe, responsible, and legal fashion. Cheers. 68

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 69

(somewhat of a)

BIGFOOT EQUIPMENT & REPAIRS

Get your shit fixed at Bigfoot Equipment, we’ll probably get it right.

Willow Creek (707) 834-6887 (530) 629-4067

The Most Gentle Dry Trimmer on the market is now available at BigFish.

Sarah Godlin, staff

Table for 5 please...

Tomo - Arcata, CA

I often have to remind my girlfriend to wear clothes. She’s one of those sun worshipers who will take her shirt off and wear only a sports bra if she walks under a skylight at Target. She’s also the type of person who can eat a cheeseburger and turn it into muscle of equal mass. It’s infuriating. The insistent suggestion is...You can wear your sports bra and shorts in public IF you are engaged in some sort of sporting activity. Put your shirt back on, we are in Target. I’m not a tyrant. I feel like that’s an ok rule to have. The point of this is that she is completely oblivious to making a spectacle of herself. She literally has no idea that people are staring at her. I also don’t think she understands that she is fit and tan in a way that even children stare. Like I said; jealously Infuriating.

(

I am less comfortable with attention. That’s why you probably don’t know what I look like. I am very, very OK with the big bearded guy being the face of this magazine while I hide behind words. The actual word is relieved.

Holy shit, We’re normies!

)

a bloody knee. One body builder came in with capri pants. Several early twenty somethings milled around waiting for a table on their break from their Mad Max film extra jobs, apparently. I turned to my girlfriend and said, “Holy shit, We’re normies!” We were the most boring, old, square table in the joint. It was fantastic. It was so Arcata. I flashed to a time when I was an early twenty something and had to walk through a 5 star hotel with an incredibly bloodied knee. Would I do that now? No! I’m a normie! The wasabi-teriyaki steak was really good. It was incredibly generous and could have been split between two people with steak to spare. The sushi and oyster shooters were also great. You already know what Tomo tastes like. This isn’t a food review. This is an ambiance review. 5 stars for weird and totally entertaining ambiance.

When I am out with my family I am uncomfortably aware when we, two women, only one wearing adequate clothing, both covered in tattoos, with two children, are being stared at in a restaurant. Our family is different. I get it. I’d look too, for sure.

10-12 lb/hr Easy to Clean and Run Quiet and Light Weight Only 40 watts

774 9th St. Arcata CA

Call 707 672 5255 for a consultation or stop in the store to check out our floor model. Rental units, Trim Teams and Certified Technicians available. 70

Restaur ant Review

The first day of school was a big event. Some other person gets to deal with all of my children’s pent up energy for 6 hours a day and we took the kids out to dinner to celebrate. There are two rooms in Tomo; the back room and the room where the two doors are. We asked to be sat in the door room so we wouldn’t have to sit next to a crying baby. I know restaurants try to group children together to lessen the impact but my well behaved 8 and 10 year olds don’t want to hear a crying baby either.

The door room was like dinner and a show. I swear to Jah a quarter of Burning Man came through those doors. One girl’s boobs were hanging out of the side of her shirt. This is not an exaggeration. I saw her boobs. One woman came in with

Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. Picture = extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 or godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 71

Fill in the Blanks for The SCARY Movies

Down 2. Tucker & Dale vs. _ 4. The Silence of the _ 5. The _ in the Woods 6. _ Friday 7. Motel _ 11. _ Frankenstein 13. The Apple _ Gang 14. _ Attacks 15. Don’t _ Now 16. A _ on Elm Street 18. The Liitle Shop of _ 19. Pan’s 20. The Witches of 21. Eyes _ Shut 23. The _ 25. Panic _ www.savagehenrymagazine.com 73

Across 1. _ Beach 3. Kill 8. The _ of Frankenstein 9. The _ Chainsaw Massacre 10. Rosemary’s 12. _ vs. Jason 17. Let the _One In 22. Willow _ 24. Invasion of the Body _ 26. No _ For Old Men 27. _ Live 28. Hocus _ 29. The _ Sense 30. The Human _ 72

Witches: How Cold Are Their Tits? An Investigative Report

Cornell Reid, staff

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” That’s an expression people have been using ever since they learned about stuff that was really cold, and of course, tits. But how cold is a witch’s tit really? I mean aren’t most tits kind of warm? What do witches do to make their tits so cold? I know they stir cauldrons all day but you’d think all the boiling potions would heat up the tits with steam from the eyes of newts or camels nards or whatever they use in potions. I wouldn’t know, I’m not a witch. Actually my tits are quite warm to the touch. Also I am a man so I don’t think I even have tits, despite what those construction workers yelled at me. But regardless, the part of my body where tits would be if I were a woman or witch (the chest area with the pink dots, aka nipples) is quite warm. I think most people especially the ones with tits are very warm in this area since most of our body is usually pretty warm and if you have tits you have to have them all covered up so you don’t get arrested. If you cover stuff up that makes it even warmer. Most tit-havers wear bras and if you don’t know what a bra is, it’s a tit holder that’s basically like one of those pizza bags that the delivery guys deliver pizza in. They’re made to keep tits hot and fresh. However, enough about how hot other tits are; why are witch tits so cold? One theory is because they fly all over on their brooms at night. Brooms don’t actually have windshields or anything so it gets pretty windy, and since they insist on flying at night it can get pretty chilly. Plus, witches wear black ratty dresses which is not the garment of choice for keeping wind off your tits. In fact it acts more as a witch tit wind tunnel. But does this make their tits colder than the other parts of their bodies? For instance, why isn’t the saying “colder than a witch’s knee” or “colder than a witch’s nose?” The nose isn’t covered by anything, even a dress! I think witches in general don’t want any more attention on their noses. They all have huge gross noses with warts on them and shit. That sucks. So people probably originally started saying “colder than a witch’s nose” but then witches were all like, “You think that’s cold? look at these tits!” then they like taped ice cubes to their boobs or something to make people think that their tits were especially cold. Witches in general were probably pretty bummed because no one thinks a witch is very sexy. So maybe they started the saying and got it to catch on so you would actually sexualize the poor witches and then they could finally get laid. A huge wart nose, purple hair and green skin aren’t exactly qualities that make us horny but cold tits? Maybe. 74

Anyway, that’s it. I hope you guys learned as much as I did! www.savagehenrymagazine.com 75

Have you seen the scary movie? Can you find the scary movie? Do you even want to? Do it! Do it now! U E E M U O I M N Q E I F V F L U Y L B D I R G A M G O A C C R T R Z Z S I C R C K T A I D S I I E A N E E W O L L A H G L X S S F M U T N R D A K F H I Y R H L N E T E E J A K R A C G O O K T V R I D R O R S E R E X E E O S O A O H S I X Y R A K L A N H D C S V I D Q S E G E S T T A T G W W L E N S F B A P H R A I E U S E C E N I O E A Z O M B I E L A N D E E I E U V I I A R D Q N A H P R O Z X B A N E E L L K F E K H J B J A W S D F P I M B G A A Z T V V N D B R A Z Z A R E O B T N R H Y N I E T S N E K N A R F T O E E F E E R C L Y S U S P I R I A O U E K U L J I T Q E N K Z O U C H K C H Y A G L R F G N L D I B J M L A T B C C T L B F R E A K S O T W M D S I M J Y Y Z O J T B F E W E M P Q A R I D O Z Q S Y F I B O F D K L X F U I F O O P X O P F Y F W P X O T N E M E M I N Z Y O Q H

ALIENS BABADOOK BEETLEJUICE CARRIE DELIVERANCE DRACULA ERASERHEAD EVILDEAD FRANKENSTEIN FRANKENWEENIE FREAKS HALLOWEEN HELLBOY JAWS KINGKONG MADMAX MEMENTO MISERY NOSFERATU ORPHAN POLTERGEIST PSYCHO REPULSION SAW SCREAM SLITHER SUSPIRIA TAKEN VERTIGO ZODIAC

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 77

Films with Real Ghosts in Them Most of us probably know the story of the ghost boy that appears briefly in the background during a scene in 1987’s laugh-a-minute Three Men and a Baby. As the story goes, the film was shot in a house where, just five years before, a 9-year-old boy died in a shotgun accident. But that’s not the only motion picture where apparitions make a cameo. Here are a few more.

Chris Durant, staff

be rewarded. Visit the Players Club for complete rules and details.

VOTED

ASINO BEST C

Put on your blue suede shoes and...

$5,000 LAS VEGAS VACATION GIVEAWAY

Ghost - 1990

There’s a scene in the Demi Moore vehicle where the ghost of recently deceased Patrick Swayze appears to assist Moore with making pottery. The photo is a little grainy, but you can definitely make out a shirtless Swayze (did he ever wear any shirts?) sitting behind Moore at the pottery wheel. Spoo Kee!

EARN ENTRIES EVERY DAY STARTING SEPTEMBER 1! DRAWING SEPTEMBER 30 @ 7PM Earn an entry for every 750 pts. or 1 hour of rated table game play within any single promotional day.

Empire Strikes Back - 1980

Sir Alec Guinness, who played Obi-Wan Kenobi in the prequel to Empire Strikes Back - 1977’s Star Wars and was actually killed on camera in a freak lightsaber accident. But if you look closely in a scene while Luke Skywalker is on the snow planet you can see Guinness's ghost among the swirling snow. And if you listen really close, you can make out what sounds like his voice saying “Luuuuukkkeeee”.

Prize awarded as a $5,000 transferable travel voucher for Las Vegas to include travel, transportation, shows and excursions. Travel must be booked by December 30, 2015. No cash option.

GAME SPECIALS

The 6th Man - 1997

After The Cosby Show spinoff A Different World was cancelled due to the untimely death of its breakout star Kadeem Hardison, who played Dwayne Wayne, some say you could see Hardison’s ghost helping Marlon Wayans character make the basketball team in this comedy. In this screenshot you can see what looks like Hardison with a ghostly blue light around him.

Furious 7 - 2015

This one blows my mind. Within months of the popular film franchise’s star Paul Walker dying in a horrific car accident, his image can be seen throughout this entire film. And no one ever seems to talk about that! That little shotgun boy from Three Men and a Baby appears on screen for a half second and there’s entire blogs about it, but this… nothing. He’s literally in almost the entire movie, even speaking. It’s fuckin’ creepy, man. 78

gear up for game day! SEPTEMBER GIFT:

NFL Team Pint Glass

AVAILABLE TEAMS: 49’ers, Raiders, Cowboys, Chargers, Seahawks, Broncos.

JOIN US DURING ANY NFL FOOTBALL GAME & ENJOY THESE FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS! DOMESTIC BEER PITCHERS - $10 MICRO BREW PITCHERS - $14 MEDIUM PEPPERONI, CHEESE OR HAWAIIAN PIZZA AND A PITCHER OF BEER - $20 FRENCH FRIES - $2

Earn 500 pts. or 1 hour of rated table game play within any single promotional day and you WIN! One prize per person. While supplies last. Prize must be redeemed on the same promotional day points were earned. Actual prize may vary from photo shown.

Visit the Players Club for complete rules and details.

800.761.2327 bearrivercasino.com

11 Bear Paws Way Loleta, CA 95551

Promotions with rated table games play are based on minimum $10 bet. Must be 21 years or older, or accompanied by an adult, to enter casino. Management reserves all rights. Visit Casino Services for full details.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 79

R OYAL GOLD

Scary Good Soil mixes, Coco Fiber, and live Worm Castings Made in humboldt www.royalgoldcoco.com 80

EavesDroppings “What’s your “Sometimes you gotta name, brother?” “I was in La-La-Land and "I don’t twerk. I’m too cla fart on Boy Scouts.” ssy" “Patrick.” something touched my balls.” "If you cant - Nevada City twerk i dont “Sick ass name.” - Alta Sierra even wanna talk to yo u" - Bender’s Bar, SF thug life, n.c.a. “They’re just two-pump-chumping then shooting heroin.” a drink, “... burps, ugh. its “Who is?” “Kids these days.” “For someone who and it’s a meal...” - indoor trim scene ng gi ug ch was hungover he sure - homeless lady e, this was not in my horoscope.” did talk a lot.” “Dud ilk m of a carton - getting fired at a grow scene - Main Street Fortuna getting “She was great in bed. I didn’t “I’ve never passed out in the bushes off the bus full of people heading in Hops in Humboldt know that she was lifting running from the cops before.” up her balls in the dark.” - The Shanty “I hope you are - Grass Valley “Mom has fake boobs!??!?!” documenting all your panties with the police - KOA campground in “I don’t mean to be rude. I just am.” this time before going Southern Oregon - Grass Valley on vacation, just in case “She yells the FUCK word a lot.” that psycho bitch comes “Pain killers for elephants are Grass Valley back to cut out the rest nothing to fuck around with.” two d hol one any n see er nev “I’ve of your panty crotches.” - The Shanty Bulls and be sleeping.” Red - Murphy’s Glendale !” “Fingered and licked to perfection - laughing at a friend - Grass Valley “I dropped my Red Bull “If you’re not a leaf, I don’t e the know what to do with you.” “Terminal Bitchitis! That’s what and I don’t hav “I love his little black up.” it pick that is. And Terminal Bitchitis energy to - delirious field worker nuts and black dick.” doesn’t go away, it’s terminal! “ - party bus in Humboldt - girl talking about her after 3 days of leafing - Raging Creek, Willow Creek new puppy, Nevada City “If I hear you say mudb lood “I aint doing anything, i “I just want to get through this checkpoint one more time....” got a beer in one hand, like all the other nice white people. Why - overheard on the hill fuckin penis in my other.” does it have to be an interrogation?” - biker in Coopers - unknown “Would you hit that?” Me: “How was Reggae on the River?” Guy at BBQ: “I scored some acid and later I put some molly up my butt.” - unknown

“I don’t even like girls with fake tits, why would I ever go for one with a fake pussy?” - in reference to Caitlin Jenner

1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Text it 707.845.8854 or... Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 81

AILMENT OF THE MONTH

PHANTOM LIMB

When the leg or arm you don’t have any more haunts you with pain. Because it’s being a dick. - SG

next month:

The HARVEST Issue LEGALIZE S.H.I.T.

Pot Market Report: It’s basically free now. Dabs, Shatter and Shards...just how close is pot to meth now?

Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82