Issue #62 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we got that facebook thing too. PHOTOBOMBER | Josh Duke KINDURANT | Chris Durant CLASS MOM | Monica Durant

Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Adam Jacobs, William Toblerone, Spencer DeVine, Tiffany Greysen, Clyde McFadden, Thomas Hunter, Andrea Bartunek, Rosa Green, Mike Hustrom, OJ Simpson, Anonogranny, Bethany Hernandez, Ausbon Brown III, Mikey Walz If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville

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12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

Letters from Editors Welcome to your Senior Yearbook! As your Yearbook Editor I feel I must inform you that the photos chosen are highly biased toward how you treated the yearbook staff this year. While you were toning your butt after school at soccer practice, we were pasty and gnome-like, scuttling around the dark room deciding to use the picture where you appear to have a mustache… Marissa, because you were overheard saying, “Yearbook is for fat kids,” we can not deny you your Homecoming Queen pic, but there is a thing called “dodging” that we do with the enlarger that darkens your lip hair enough to make the freshmen boys stop using you in fantasies. It is our only power. This book will sit in your parents attic for years until you forget how awful high school was and begin to feel nostalgic for it! You will show it to the person you are about to marry. They will barely care about all the stories it inspires. Don’t forget to sign your friends’ books and vice versa. Include the word “fuck” to shock their future children. It’s a fun goof that has no repercussions. So long! Enjoy Higher Learning! Except for you, Meghan. Everyone knows you are pregnant. - Sarah Godlin, yearbook editor

Parental Warning If they CAN read, they SHOULDN’T read this. It says “fuck” somewhere in here. Now it says “fuck” twice. -SG Table Of Contents Letters to the Editors.................................................. 9 Monthbook................................................................11 Things my Cat Ruined by Puking On Them............ 13 How Not to Cry While Reading your Yearbook...... 15 Catty Mean Girl....................................................... 16 Inside the Mind of a Yearbook Photographer.......... 17 A Warning Letter...................................................... 19 Cormac McCarthy Yelp Reviews............................. 21 13 Things You Might Not Have Known ................. 23 Album Reviews........................................................ 25 Ben’s 10................................................................... 29 Class Clown............................................................. 31 Premade Parental Notes........................................... 33 Death of Classmate Irritates Cheerleaders............... 35 Yearbook Editor Literally Drowns in Pussy............ 37 One More Reason South Korea is Cool................... 39 5 Things to Write in Somebody’s Yearbook............ 41 Interview with DC Pierson....................................... 43 Popularity in Pictures............................................... 49 I’m Glad I’m Not Bill Cosby Right Now!............... 51 History’s Senior Class.............................................. 53 Book Review............................................................ 63 We Totally Saw That Coming.................................. 65 Granny’s Rambles.................................................... 69 Book of Years........................................................... 71 XOXO...XXXX....................................................... 73 Free Senior Quotes to Use in Your Yearbook.......... 75 AUTOGRAPHS....................................................... 77 EavesDroppings....................................................... 81

Photo by Dutch Savage

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UPCOMING S.H.I.T. SHOWS June 20 - 6 Rivers Brewery - McKinleyville From Oregon, Seth Millstein, Ray McMillin and local John McClurg...and more TBA. Hosted by Nando Molina. 9 p.m. - $5 June 23 - The Jambalaya - Arcata An evening of comedy with Tom Rhodes Dutch Savage and Ivan Mueting open. Hosted by Nando Molina. 9 p.m. - $15 June 30 - The Jambalaya - Arcata From LA - Buck Ball. Locals Dutch Savage, Ivy Vasquez, Josh Duke and Ivan Mueting opens. 9 p.m. - $5 July 11 - Six Rivers Brewery - McKinleyville From SF, sketch troupe Don’t Watch This Show Live. Local Ivy Vasquez opens. 9 p.m. - $5 July 15 - Mellow Fellow - Reno John McClurg, Joe Deschaine and Ivan Mueting. Hosted by Andrea B. 9 p.m. - $7 July 16 - Mellow Fellow - Kings Beach John McClurg, Joe Deschaine and Ivan Mueting. Hosted by Andrea B. 9 p.m. - $7 July 17 - Mellow Fellow - Truckee John McClurg, Joe Deschaine and Ivan Mueting Hosted by Andrea B. 9 p.m. - $7 July 18 - Mazzotti’s on the Plaza - Arcata A Special Snowflake Tour - Keith Lowell Jensen and Johnny Taylor. Ivan Mueting opens. 9 p.m. - $10 in advance/$13 at the door https://www.universe.com/specialsnowflakearcata

Check out our schedule online too. That’s our web address. ^^

September 3 - 5 - Vermicrop Organics presents the 4th Annual Savage Henry Magazine Comedy Festival brought to you by The Heart of Humboldt. Multiple venues in Arcata, Eureka and McKinleyville, 100 comedians, 3 days. $25 for an all show bracelet in advance/$30 during the fest. Individual shows range from $15 to FREE. https://www.universe.com/ savagehenrymagazinecomedyfestival

Are you a comic looking for shows? Send a clip and contact info to editor@savagehenrymagazine.com.

Support Live Comedy

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Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. Hello there :). Thank you so much for replying to my Savage Henry needs haha via Instagram :). My collection has only begun at issue # 37 and is consecutive until issue #49. After that I struggled with finding new issues managed to find #59 stopping by chance in San Juan. Thank you very much again for taking the time to listen. I am such a huge fan and lover of Savage Henry!!! :D you guys are amazing and bring me endless laughs. Amada

Se n d yo u r co m m en ts, a ttit u d es, p ro p s or wh a te ve r el se to ed itor @ sa va ge h en rym agazin e. co m Or th e ad d ress on th e po stca rd be lo w wil l w ork to o. ;) All p ersp ectiv es a re w el co m e.

Per my published letter about Sarah Godlins review on the AA Bar @ Grill you asked me to let you know what sort of things Sonny Wong throws away....... #1. An empty bottle of Dom Perignon. #2 Empty jars of Beluga caviar.. #3 A twelve pack of Trojan Magnums (His girl is always smiling) #4 Kraft Mac & cheese box (scratched my head on that one) #5 A shit-load of Savage Henry Mags...... Randall Wright Ferndale, Ca

Savage Henry I love your magazine!!!! I’ve been reading for about a year. I live in Eugene and I want to thank Josh Duke for his hilarious and accurate beer review of Ninkasi (aka Ninshwazi). Their beer sux. That shit is shoved down our throats by hipster spermburpers. I’ve enjoyed every issue, especially the harvest issue. If you ever do a sports issue, I’ve got a funny quote for you to run: “I dunno. I never smoked any AstroTurf.” Former MLB pitcher Tug McGraw on whether he prefers grass or AstroTurf. Keep up the good work folks and thanks for “keepin’ it free”!!! Bobbaranks Eugene, Oregon

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Monthbook

Sarah Godlin, staff

I took summer school of my own accord for 4 years so that I could be in both Yearbook and Newspaper during the school year. I also had a tribble in my personal yearbook class drawer. Connect the dots on that one. My third year editor spent the year trying out the idea that if you didn’t wash your hair it would come to some balance on its own and not be extremely greasy. This did not appear to be the actual case. He is un-Googlable. Perhaps he is no longer going by the name Dav-pronounced-Dave. I am old. How old? Not that damn old, but old enough that we physically cut and pasted our yearbooks and newspapers and used a roll of thin black tape to outline things. You know how long that took? All year. I thought, maybe I can do this for a living, somehow! But the world turned to computers and away from X-acto knives and my job was taken by smarter people. People like Savage Henry’s Layout Editor, Monica Durant. She sticks all the weird pieces of this weird magazine together, making a yearbook every month. A monthbook. Give her a round of applause and enjoy the rest of this monthbook.

TATTOO OF THE MONTH

All you other yearbook nerds will get this one. -SG 10

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PALINDROME OF THE MONTH

Things my Cat Ruined by Puking On Them William Toblerone, contributor

When my cat tore open a large container of shredded parmesan cheese and devoured the contents, I thought he might get a little sick. When I woke up the next morning, he had thrown up all over everything. Well, not everything, but a lot of stuff. Here’s an inventory of the things my cat destroyed with his cat vomit.

Two pillows The June issue of Cat Fancy The series finale of Mad Men Hope for the future Kanye

STEP ON NO PETS

My credit rating The basement The innocence of childhood The good towels

Bill Cosby’s set list The Freedom Tower My fucking expensive running socks

The neighbor’s grease fire

A bacon cheeseburger wrapper signed by that guy who directed Babe.

Phil Collins’ No Jacket Required on vinyl

An expired coupon for Triscuits

Decades of medical advances

The spirit of Christmas

My Savage Henry stock

My writer’s block

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How Not to Cry While Reading your Yearbook

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Yearbooks are evil little reminders of how your once promising life has spiraled south. Some people look at their yearbooks with reverence for the past and forgotten memories, but for the rest of us it's just a kick in the nuts. Here’s my helpful guide to not crying while looking at your yearbook.

Avoid looking up your favorite teacher, ‘cause newsflash, she dead.

Never start by going straight to your lost loves. That's an amateur move, chief. Start by looking at the losers who look terrible. Ex-loves always leave a bad taste in your mouth, like when you accidentally brush your teeth with hemorrhoidal cream cause the tube LOOKS EXACTLY like toothpaste! Instead, find out which losers never blossomed and gaze at those freaks to ease you down memory road. Plus, my roommates never want to walk in on me again slow dancing with the yearbook open to Meredith Myers’ picture pretending like I had the balls to ask her to prom. News flash, I didn't, so I took my best friend’s dumpy sister. Definitely DON'T look at your own picture. The years haven't been kind to your face or physique so gazing at your baby-faced mug may result in a classic Medusa situation. You can hardly look at yourself in the mirror so staring at your high school glamour shot will surely destroy what self-esteem you had left. Just steer clear of you and find all your best buds’ pics so you have ammunition to roast them next time you hang. Avoid looking up your favorite teacher, ‘cause newsflash, she dead. Most of the adults from your

school are all dead and gone now so if you’re searching for life's only truth, death, you found it. Instead try and find the senior superlatives page and see which ones were guessed right. Spoiler alert, the class clown is also usually dead; they live life hard.

Last but not least, never look at what people signed in the back of your yearbook. These personal messages from friends from ages ago will undoubtedly leave your eyes moist and dripping onto the pages. Instead do what I do whenever I find my old yearbook: I take it outside and bury it 6 feet deep, ‘cause that shit is dead, and fuck the past, baby. Guys, never look back, only things behind you are regret and farts. I'm totally cool with farts.

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People say strange things. Especially out of context. And when they forget other people can hear them. If you hear something ridiculous, think of us, and of your fellow Savage Henry readers. Send them to us.

We love postcards, 791 8th Street - Suite N Arcata, CA 95521 but we'll take an email too - editor@savagehenrymagazine.com 14

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Inside the Mind of a Yearbook Photographer

Josh Argyle, contributor and good dude

All right, another year, another class picture. Let’s get this over with. Oh, good; they are taking the picture in the gym -- nothing says good luck, class of 2015, like a championship banner from 1977 and a principal with a blood alcohol content higher than the class GPA. I’m gonna try to frame this picture where there is not a swastika, racial slur, or dick carved on the bleachers. Good god, it’s freaking impossible! Yikes, why is that kid wearing a fedora with cargo shorts? That’s a lot of pockets for a guy with no friends. He looks like he is going to the douchebag formal.

Catty Mean Girl

Oh, that’s nice; that girl is wearing pants that say juicy and a shirt that says naughty. Why not complete the outfit with a pair of clear heels? Fifty-fifty chance that her name is Misty or Peaches. Oh, for Christ’s sake! Why does the guy in marching band need a letterman jacket? What is he, first team all-tuba? The best-dressed person in this picture is the fucking custodian! Blue jumpsuits never go out of style. Why is the Vice Principal wearing a cowboy hat? There are only two types of grown men who wear cowboy hats: those who work on a farm and those who are the goddamned worst. The mascot of this school should be lowered expectations. Wait a minute! WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE! That kid is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. There is hope for the future! Sweet merciful god, there is hope! “Okay, everyone move over so that you are under the banner, but away from the penis carvings. NO, away from the penises! Whatever, let’s just take this thing! Everyone say (sigh) the future of America (sigh).”

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A Warning Letter : from our school’s wonderful head custodian

Mike Hustrom, contributor

Thank you students and faculty for another wonderful year! I regret to inform you that I am no longer going to be cleaning up your mistakes; consider this my resignation. I hate all of you cocksuckers. But first, let me get some shit off my chest. Every single motherfucker who called me a Freddy Krueger-looking child molester can fuck off. I wish I could haunt your nightmares and do some crazy-ass murder shit to you sometimes when you make fun of me, but I can't, because that's exactly what you would expect! I don’t even get it. We don't even look alike, besides my awesome fedora, which I wear to cover up my scars, by the way. Look, I don't get paid a lot. I work on the bottom of the totem pole that is the public school system, so obviously my clothes are cheap and worn. So, maybe you guys should think twice before making fun of me! Everyone in this school has had their turn mocking me, but the meanest person has to be Mark Stover, who constantly calls my dad's old sweaters that I wear, "Really, really gay". That's whose fault this all is! Mark has been relentlessly berating me in front of everyone every time he sees me, since the first time we met when we were introduced at that assembly he has been the single most heartless, cruel, homophobic, evil, cold blooded, and racist principal I've ever worked for. Granted, this was my first time as a custodian, before that I was a beloved entertainer who traveled the world performing. I was the world's first fully intoxicated fire breather, I would down a bottle of the strongest liquor and burp a huge fireball. I became bored with my act and tried for more. Soon I was consuming vast amounts of liquor and firing off 14-16 fireballs per show, but like I said, it wasn't enough. One show I wasn't paying close enough attention and still had liquor all over my face. I think you can see where this is going, suffice to say this wasn't my best act, but believe me the people were entertained. Because I had said that "there was no way this could go wrong" (liquor

talking) the people had thought it was part of the act and laughed and cheered at my screams for help. You know what? You guys don't care. I've come to terms with what’s happened to me, but for some reason everyone else can't, so instead of hiding it under my hat all the time. I am leaving to pursue a new career, I mean people already toss me a nickel whenever I have a coffee cup, even when I’m in the teacher's lounge! They like to pay to see me? Fine. But I'm not going to a freak show, or Ripley's Believe It or Not, or a circus, that's how I got this face. I’m going to the finer side of art, goodbye shitheads, I'm going to be a model, I'll see you in Vogue!

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Calling all comedians. Soo you think your funny. Send us your stuff and see if we print it. We reserve the right to edit. 400 words or less. Pictures are a plus. The theme for the next issue is always on the last page of the mag if it inspires you, but you can be funny about whatever you think is funny. editor@savagehenrymagazine.com 18

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What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month? This goddamned show. I want to smoke it so it lives inside of me. Then when it’s done, I scratch around my carpet, frantically looking for any episodes I might have dropped. -SG

Cormac McCarthy Yelp Reviews

Zack Newkirk, staff

Hearken to the emptiness of the moon. Seven vested creatures shuffle over earth caked with blood. I cant hear you, said the guide as they ran him through with a pike. Entrails spilled and screams of no and no and please and help and no again as they left him for the scavengers and their red breath. I could do nothing for him and I turned away and went inside. My order was delivered to my table quickly. The Western Bacon Cheeseburger was pretty good but the Diet Dr. Pepper was flat.

3/5 stars They looked at each other. Looked and said nothing but their eyes spoke. I knew they had made me as a mark so I cleared my throat and stood. I paced the room. One of them said something vomitous that could not be heard among the din of the cattle out back.

I only want to make a trade, I said. We don’t trade with your type, said one of them. Without warning the other one raised a long slender blade and sank it into the first ones head. His mouth opened but no sound came out and his eyes turned almost instantly a vacuous onyx. I kicked over the chair in my path and I ran and I didn’t stop for anything not until I was deep in the woods under a blanket of silken moss. It would be the last time I would attempt to buy a Taurus from this dealership.

1/5 stars With a guttural hum the fan kicked on and it sent minuscule specks of dust and filth down into the labyrinthine racks. Our existence is meant for one thing, she said. We are some monsters playthings and our paths are set for desolate pain and mudded death and disconsolate empty. Dont bring a child into this feces patterned prison, she pleaded. A crow on the top shelf croaked and lost its bowels into her flaxen braid but she did not blink. What I want to know, I said, is if you have the new Third Eye Blind Greatest Hits on CD. She turned and found the package beneath the back counter. I will shop here again.

4/5 stars

Fotograf: Dutch Savage

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13 Things You Might Not Have Known about Your Fave Celebs

Zack Newkirk, staff

1) John Goodman isn't "good." He's a child murderer! 2) Ellen DeGeneres' hair is actually a wig made of spaghetti! 3) Robert Pattinson once ate a Jack Russell terrier in a Target bathroom! 4) Drake the rapper isn't who you think he is. He's actually two sand sharks in a trench coat! 5) Miley Cyrus? Not a virgin! 6) Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's, isn't alive. He's dead! 7) Big news about Bruce Jenner: the fella loves to eat tacos! 8) What's that growing in Jennifer Aniston's tummy? It's Kuato! 9) Neil Armstrong wasn't just an astronaut -- he also suffered from terrible gas!

10) Abe Lincoln was wicked rad on the Vert ramp! 11) Character actress Swoosie Kurtz's name isn't Susie. It's Swoosie! 12) Remember Keenan & Kel? Keenan is now in his 11th season on Saturday Night Live, while Kel was snatched up by a condor and never seen again! 13) I got nothing.

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ALTHOUGH WE’VE COME TO THE END OF THE ROAD STILL I CAN’T LET YOU GO IT’S UNNATURAL, YOU BELONG TO ME, I BELONG TO YOU... 22

Liz Valasco

Photo by Dutch Savage

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ALBUM REVIEWS Diarrhea Planet / Those Darlins Live at Pickathon Adam Jacobs, contributor

Whoa, two rock bands from Nashville recorded a live album in Portland, OR, and will be released on a limited press vinyl . . . big fucking deal. Too much hype for two 5-song sets. Diarrhea Planet . . . WTF dudes, you had not one single toilet sound or fart noise, what kind of brand is that? With vocals reminiscent of early Fugazi and guitar riffs stepping on Joe Strummer’s grave, Diarrhea Planet doesn’t know who they want to be except Southern Punk. The other half of this live album is Those Darlins, a female fronted trio whose sound is fun and who cares, I’m still wrapping my head around Diarrhea Planet’s misleading name. I propose new names for these two bands. Diarrhea Planet should be “Wet Farts,” and Those Darlins should be “Two Girls, a Guy, and a Band.”

Rating: 6 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Lionel Richie - Can’t Slow Down Clyde McFadden, contributor You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you most certainly can judge any Lionel Richie solo adventure by its cover! This masterpiece of love and masculinity served as the soundtrack to my cat Mr. Jigglebeans’ first three months of intensive training as the world’s first groceryshopping cat. I remember his specially-fitted cat pack full of bananas as he deftly dodged the dangers of 2:00 a.m. city streets while his cassette played Running with the Night. One night, we were chased by a band of hooligans, but thanks to Jigglebeans’ quick thinking, we stumped them in their tracks; the cassette player melted their cold hearts while I improvised the lyrics, “Hello, is it Jigglebeans you’re looking for?” Lionel’s songwriting magic changed all of our lives. Those hooligans became Jigglebeans’ invisible guardians, like ninjas in the city streets protecting the world’s greatest feline. One of those hooligans is now a United States Senator who calls once a year to sing “Penny Lover” on the speakerphone with Jigglebeans.

Rating : 8 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page...

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

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Album Reviews, continued from previous page Spliff Moth - Spliff Moth EP Sam Greenspan, contributor

Initially, when listening to Spliff Moth's selftitled EP, one might find themselves hit with pangs of regret that the Mad Max: Fury Road masterminds didn’t have these songs on hand earlier. This EP is admittedly fitting; a brief opus in a straight line through an atmospheric wasteland all its own. The Arcata band unapologetically and passionately fires on all cylinders and delivers its own truths with a roar. It's a hell of a driving album, to boot. If the 48 second long "Betelgeuse" doesn't give you leadfoot, nothing will. Give it a spin.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Alabama Shakes - Sound & Color Rosa Green, contributor

Being 38 weeks pregnant all I want to do is listen to the new Alabama Shakes album, Sound & Color, eat ice cream, and be massaged. The album is excellent. It’s less safe than their first release, Boys & Girls, and more interesting. They get a little weird and the vibe is funkier than their very rehearsed performance on Boys & Girls. Brittany Howard still harnesses her vocal prowess with beauty, and the rest of the band backs her up with the same pleasing danceability. They seem to become more playful along the way, with a punky track called “The Greatest,” the melodic rock song “Shoe Gaze,” and some super funky psychedelic times with the track “Gemini.” I’ve listened to this album many times and still I’m disappointed when it’s over. I’ll go wherever the Alabama Shakes want to take us next and I’ll bring my baby girl too.

Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR!

♬

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Ben’s 10

Volume LXII:

Ben Allen, music editor

Top Songs the Week My Senior Yearbook Came Out

The Billboard pop charts have sucked ass for years. The following are the top 10 songs in the country for the week of June 8, 1996. Mixed in with the Toni Braxton and Mariah Carey is an awful track my Metallica from arguably their worst album, Load. Also, who the hell is Tony Rich? Bone Thugs-N-Harmony “Crossroads” Mariah Carey “Always Be My Baby” Celine Dion “Because You Loved Me” Tracy Chapman “Give Me One Reason” SWV “You’re The One” The Tony Rich Project “Nobody Knows” Toni Braxton “You’re Making Me High/Let It Flow” George Michael “Fastlove” Alanis Morissette “Ironic” Metallica “Until It Sleeps” 28

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Class Clown My senior year I won the yearbook title of “Class Clown”. It’s something I still like to use as a working credit when applying for bookings. It connotes longevity I think. However, I’ve always found the award to be a bit bittersweet. There’s just something about the word “Clown”. It’s really one of the only yearbook titles you can win that can double as a term of degradation. All of the other titles, if you remember, are extremely congratulatory. There are dozens of flattering superlatives to be won, such as “best smile” or “best dressed” or “most artistic”. At my School there was even a “Most Likely to take over the world”! I wonder if Hitler won that in high school (should have gave him “most artistic”). I’m pretty sure the dude that won “Most likely to take over the word” at my school went on to take over his dad’s linoleum warehouse. The world/linoleum warehouse, it’s a common mistake. Anyways, all the other awards were much nicer sounding than “Clown”. You can’t exactly put someone down with any of the others. You’ve never heard anyone say “everything was going great until this Best Smile came in and fucked it all up!!” or “Way to go, Nicest Hair!” or “who let this Person Most Likely To Brighten Your Day in here?!” However, you could easily substitute the word Clown in any of those sentences and no one would bat an eye. Another thing that bothers me is that I won this clown crown by doing things that a real clown never does. Primarily, I made fun of my less preferred teachers and distracted my fellow students from what they were supposed to be listening to. I’ve never been to a circus where the clowns all came out, sat amongst the crowd and started whispering mean things about the ringmaster. “Check out Sgt. Pepper over here!” they would say, “I hope a lion eats his stupid curlymustached faced so we can get out early.” Clowns almost never do that, and inversely I never got sent to the principal’s for juggling nor did I spray my prom date in the face with water from my lapel. I did stumble out of a few small, overfilled cars, but that’s just because we were hotboxing my friend Brian’s Toyota Tercel. Otherwise I was fairly unclownly.

Mikey Walz, contributor

The world/ linoleum warehouse, it’s a common mistake. “Best Smile” = “Richest Parents”

“Most Artistic” = “most likely to be crushed beneath the weight of their student debt” “Biggest Flirt” = “most likely to over do it with the promiscuity and then return to Mormonism and marry a Marine” “Most Athletic” = “Most Arthritic”

“Hardest Worker” = “Best Adderall prescription”

“Cutest Couple” = “First to break-up in college” or “Most likely to have a baby before having a legal drink” “Most Likely to Succeed” = “Richest Parents”

“Life of the Party” = “Life of the AA meeting”

And finally “Class Clown” = “most likely to be a depressive approval junkie. Aka - a comedian”

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In light of the myriad missteps taken in the yearbook award system, I’ve listed below a couple redefinitions that, as I see it, more accurately and realistically represent the nature of these titles as I’ve witnessed them develop over the years. 30

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Premade Parental Notes

Cutting means something completely different in high school now than it used to. Back in the day cutting meant ditching class and heading over to the Korean-run liquor store that didn’t check IDs across and getting a Mickey’s 40 and pounding it before PE, not taking a blade to your wrist in a cry for help. But in order to explain your temporary absence from school you needed a note. Not just any note...a note from your parents. Being that only my friend Tommy Delastano’s mom would actually write him a permission slip to do this, we all needed to get prolific at forging notes from our parents. Nowadays it’s all done with phone calls and emails and kids don’t stand a chance. Mickey’s sales have gone down 83% since the invention of the Internet. Just in case there is one of those hippy charter schools out there or one of those public schools that has no money for computers, we’re providing a few pre made notes so kids can catch a break and go blow off some steam at the Korean store.

Vice Principal Mr. or Mrs.__________ Please excuse ____________ from class yesterday. He had a doctor’s appointment to remove a gerbil from his anal cavity. Thanks.

ce, Dear Offi t as absen w _ _ _ _ _ a ______ stify as e t o t y a ir yesterd s for the s e n it w r characte er insanity trial. th as mother a absence is h t k r a , Please m absence. Thanks ed an excus in Esq. e t s in in e . St Monty R

ern, To whom it may conc My darling little t in ___________ was no e to du attendance yesterday at a the fact that he was ence er nf co cultural event, a The for something called rning lea ’s He Islamic State. d an ns tio na about other it was ed ur fig I d cultures an y from OK if he took one da the his studies to learn allends different things our fri can ity in the muslim commun it e lik offer. And it looks study to ing paid off! He’s go er! mm su is th abroad in Syria Thanks!

Yo Teach! My nephew/niece ---------------------could not come to school today because I needed clean pee for my probation officer. My nephew/ niece is getting of age where they can pass off as me in court ordered pee test and I aint going back to prison man. Never. So, do us a solid and excuse this shit. Thanks, Uncle Larry

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Death of Classmate Irritates Cheerleaders

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Dear Yearbook Editor, We, The Wolverine Cheerleaders, class of 2015—except for former member, Rayia, who has been kicked off the team for being a betrayer of secrets and a horrible human being—write to appeal to your sense of team spirit and loyalty. We think it was really nice to acknowledge former sophomore student Gibby Smithe’s life and passing in the yearbook; However, we think it was a bit of an overkill to memorialize Gibby for a full-two-page-color spread.

Our team, school, and community were forever changed and very deeply saddened XXX when the news spread We all knew Gibby was dy ing, she has been dying sin of how our cheerleaders were so underrepresented in this ce the 6th grade. Honestly, we rea this how about t though even one No ok. lly think she was milking year’s yearbo it these last few years. We all signed that card for her would devastate or embarrass our team. This year was , and then there was the hair donat ion thing. Gibby wasn’t supposed to be epic. First, the fiasco with Rayia, and now selfish and by giving her tho se two pages, it implies she this; this was the worst thing that has happened all year. was. I think it would have kil led Gibby to see how much We would like to implement a new guideline that would space she took up. This is no t what she would have will they read as follows: If a student body member dies, wanted. only get ONE memorial page, and only IF they die during We are reasonable, and un derstand it’s too late to ask their senior year, and only IF their death is an unexpected for a reprint, but we do think we are owed an apology from one. Gibby’s family, Yearbook Staff, and from Rayia. Go Wolverines! Respectfully,

Taylor, Lead Co-Captain and

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shift leader at Dairy Queen Izzy, Co-Captain, and shift-l ead trainee at Dairy Queen Fee S, Fiona L, Alyx, Nycol e, and Yasimine P.S. Our team also sent po mpoms and one of our bes t “Go Wolverines!” banner to Gibby’s funeral, we would like those back, please.

Dear Yearbook Staff, e write this. My mom My mom is making m d bad taste and has aske said our letter was in e on about Rayia. Th me to retract the porti e gs out with Rayia, sh team has worked thin e, or ym an an apology won’t need to send us e team. and she is back on th Go Wolverines! Thanks, Taylor



www.savagehenrymagazine.com 35

Yearbook Editor Literally Drowns in Pussy Terry Tomlinson, at the tender age of 16 years old, tragically died on Tuesday afternoon after all that pussy caused him to asphyxiate. It was said by the coroner that all that "sweet, sweet pussy meat" got "all up on him and broke that shit off," slowly suffocating Tomlinson, who had been putting the finishing touches on his high school layouts Horticulture Heroes section. Forensic evidence was able to conclude, according to Detective Franklin Barnes, "a large throng of women, suspected owners and operators of all that motherfuckin’ booyah pussy poontang that killed this young boy, gave in to the well-known, smoky, come hithery, and utterly irresistible aura that high school editors are known to give off. It's not surprising that all that pussy killed him, really."

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Many editors have gone into hiding for fear that the pussy would just wrap around their shit and twist that motherfucker until they, too, died. "I really just miss seeing my family," Greg Clifton said in a series of tweets. "I just know that the second I set foot out there, just because I'm a yearbook editor and shit, all that pussy gonna show up and fuck my dick right off me. Then that pussy would just simmer on my shit and all that other pussy still need it too and then I'm a dead man. I'm a danger to my family. I can't believe I chose to be an editor! I knew there'd be a lot of pussy, but not, like, not this much pussy. Not THIS much pussy." All that fine ass pussy, still fiendin', is suspected to be at large. If your game is so tough that you're a yearbook editor, an accountant, moderately to extremely religious, a bowler, a James Taylor fan, or a vegan, you are advised to remain securely inside, because that pussy is after you like a motherfucker.

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www.savagehenrymagazine.com 37

One More Reason South Korea is Cool Not only do they eat Korean food all the time, South Koreans get to do whatever they want in their yearbook picture. It is thoroughly unfair.

Sarah Godlin, staff

Now this might possibly be the same guy over and over with a different eyebrow pencil beard or that could be my racism I just found out about just now. Either way, I am utterly jealous. 38

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 39

“Hmmmmm, now off to law school, or perhaps med school.... Hey what’s this Mad Magazine all about?”

5 Things to Write in Somebody’s Yearbook

Thomas Hunter, contributor

Yearbook signing: the final pop quiz. "In 50 words or less, write a persuasive essay summarizing the merits of our continued social interaction, with special attention to the fleeting and turbulent nature of school relationships." Just this once, show up prepared with something better than "Have a nice summer.” Here are a few suggestions. 1. "I voted you most likely to succeed."

(It doesn't have to be succeed. It can be join a cult, become a tweaker, become a pornstar, or be questioned about the disappearance of a hooker; anything that suits the person you're signing for.)

2. "I just realized that we have very little in common and there's not much for me to say to you when you put me on the spot like this, but I have always appreciated your quiet nature and inoffensive odor. We can hang out anytime as long as there are other people there too." (Sometimes honesty is the best policy)

3. "Sorry you didn't get to bang a teacher, there's always next year."

4. "I thought about this a lot, and even read a magazine article about how to do it, and this is still the best I came up with. Can you believe I'm graduating?" 5. "Dear future (friend's name), if you're reading this you're probably drunk and lonely and have no idea how to get in touch with me anymore, but I had a great time knowing you and I think once you sober up you should go meet some new people and do it all over again. (Writing something personal and creative isn't just cool; it saves lives.) Jay Sooter’s

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Interview with DC Pierson

Isaac KozelI, staff

You may know author, actor, comedian and casual rapper DC Pierson from his books The Boy Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To and Crap Kingdom, his role in Derrick Comedy (whose film Mystery Team is considered by many to be a modern cult classic), his standup comedy, or his rapping, which includes several guest spots on Childish Gambino tracks. Now you can get to know him on an even more intimate level with this in depth conversation where we cover everything from his time at UCB, his creative process, and his high school nerd squad. Isaac Kozell: What came first for you: stand-up, improv, acting, or writing? DC Pierson: Writing was kind of the gateway to all the other things. I picked my major in college (dramatic writing, i.e. screenwriting or playwriting) based on it being halfway between what I wanted to do at the time (indie filmmaker) with what I knew I was good at (writing). And meeting the people I met in that program led me to sketch, which led me to improv, and improv enabled me to audition for stuff. IK: Any good stories from your time at UCB? DCP: My college sketch group Hammerkatz really lucked into UCB in NY at a great time. It was really in that Malcolm Gladwellian less-than-150 people sweet spot where, once you felt accepted, you felt like, “I will ride or die for this place.” Or at the very least, ride or empty half-drank beer bottles from under the ancient theater seats into a big gross bucket I will then empty into an even grosser drain in the back hallway that's coated in grocery store toilet water and McDonald's grease. I'm sure people who are just starting UCB on either coast this very day feel the exact same way, but I guess what I mean it was easier to start and then be performing on the stage immediately. I eventually did every job at UCBTNY except for house manager. I interned on Fridays or Saturdays for most of my college career and I remember when I finally cycled out once they got serious about the internships having definite limits, looking around New York on a Saturday night like, "Holy shit, people do stuff!" I ended up bartending and 'cause I was the most junior bartender, I would get mostly Wednesday night slots. The same crew of people would intern and manage and tech on 42

that night and after a while, we formed this clique and we'd stay after the last show got out at midnight and get drunk and watch movies of a certain caliber on the big screen. We got obsessed - as everyone must, eventually - with the Sylvester Stallone arm-wrestling/truck-driving opus Over The Top and one Labor Day we put on this show dedicated to it called Over The Top: Live. We flew out Andrew "Cobra" Rhodes, who's in the movie as one of the arm wrestlers and also choreographed the arm-wrestling action for the film and he did a live on-stage arm-wrestling demo, in addition to other Over The Top-centric bits we put a ton of work into. That, to me, is the essence of UCB -- this group of friends and I were essentially a beer-drinking, staying-up-late club that randomly turned out this insanely work-intensive one-off show. UCB, at its best, is putting a ton of work into silly stuff you care about deeply, for no other reason than it makes you laugh. IK: Derrick Comedy seemed to be the thing that really put you on people's radar. Are you still tight with the rest of the gang? DCP: In many ways, yeah! I was roommates with Dominic from the group for a while and he and I are still in this UCBTLA improv group together called Shitty Jobs that performs every Sunday night. I'm closest with Dan and Meggie. We're screenwriting partners and we've been developing my first book The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep And Never Had To as a feature for Dan to direct. I see Donald the least, since he's a Grammy-nominated rapper, which is a pretty demanding schedule, as it turns out.

Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 43

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IK: Any chance of seeing more Derrick-related projects in the future? DCP: No formal plans, but I wouldn't be surprised if we did something again together, the five of us, at some point. IK: You've dabbled in the hip-hop arts, both solo and with Childish Gambino. Do you consider yourself a serious rapper? DC: No! But I enjoy it. I realized I write best (lyrics, anyway) when I write increeeeedibly slowly, so I'm currently thinking about recording one song a year for something called "The Slow Mixtape." I think that's about as much demand for my rap work as is out there one song a year. It helps that that's the pace I write at. IK: Who are some of your favorite rappers?

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DCP: Currently really enjoying Heems' album, Eat Pray Thug. Jean Grae, Fat Tony, Starlito, Quelle Chris, Tree, and Kevin Gates are other current favorites. The all timers are DOOM, Kanye, and Ghostface. IK: What inspired you to make the jump to writing novels?

DCP: I'd always wanted to and I would write short fiction all the time on my website in college when I was procrastinating on larger assignments. My friend Eliza Skinner told me I should write a book and I said "I'd like to do that someday!" and she said, in a very intense way, "You know a lot of people say that, but not a lot of people ever do it." The fear-of-death thing kicked me in the butt. I firmly believe that the best motivation doesn't always come from the purest, most "inspired" places, but mostly from guilt, shame, and fear. For me, anyway. IK: You followed up TBWCSNHT with Crap Kingdom, which fits into the category of Young Adult Literature. Was that the plan from the beginning, or did the YA style take shape as the book developed through the creative process? DCP: It was always intended to be YA, since it's kind of a riff on certain kinds of YA fiction (Basically, Chosen One fantasy type stuff, dating back to The Chronicles Of Narnia.) IK: A lot of your work reflects on the theme of young men bonding through various adventures and experiences. What was your social circle like when you were growing up? Did you create adventures for yourself and your friends? Continued next page...

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DCP: I'd say pretty much all of my adventures were abandoned artistic enterprises (like this comic called "Druids" I had with my friend Trevor which pretty directly inspired the comic and friendship the guys have in TBWCSNHT), or ones we were able to complete with institutional help, like school plays. And they were always adventures. Doing comedy in college and beyond felt the same way. Everything else you do, you're trying to recapture the feeling you got in a dumb school play or college sketch show.

in this thing we enjoy by people we don't identify with immediately is to be resisted at all costs," which is gross and contrary to the spirit of the enterprise. That's definitely something self-identified nerds, self included, need to work on - keeping the subculture(s) that harbored you open, making that harbor open and welcoming, rather than patrolling it with gunboats. Just like anything else, you want to make it nice for the people who'll come after you. Leave it better than you found it.

IK: This is our Yearbook issue. How did your classmates describe you (like Class Clown, Most Likely to _____ )?

IK: What's the best movie you've seen recently?

DCP: I think I received some kind of Senior superlative, but I don't remember exactly what it was. Most Likely To Have Already Had An Ill-Considered NeoConservative Phase He'll Be Ashamed Of Years Later, maybe. If so ... accurate! IK: Did you have a signature yearbook quote? DCP: "The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right." - Mark Twain. I was pretty proud of that one.

DCP: Mad Max: Fury Road. People complain about sequels, but I've never seen a better example of a sequel as expansion, refinement, and progression of the original idea. So fucking cool. Everybody gets into this to build worlds, and George Miller was just like, "This is how you build a world, everybody." IK: Time for plugs! DCP: The books. They're also on Audible, with me reading them. Yay! On Twitter @DCpierson

IK: What lessons learned while growing up do you think we tend to forget as adults? DCP: You get to adulthood and start to realize stuff like, "Help those less fortunate than you," and, "It's what's inside that counts." A lot of people are like "Yeah, yeah, we say that shit to kids because their animated movies have to have SOME kind of message, but we actually behave 180 degrees in opposition to that." It's pretty shocking and a giant bummer.

␇

IK: Do you consider yourself to be rooted in nerd culture? DCP: I always had a little nerd squad, like the kids I played Magic: The Gathering with in elementary and middle school, and then my fellow theater kids in high school. The feeling of being passionately involved in something you're convinced outsiders could never really understand, despite their best intentions, is one I'm really familiar with. As it turns out, sometimes this feeling curdles into something resembling "this group is for outcasts only, and we've chosen to define 'outcast' as people who look like us, and any attempt to partake 46

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 47

Popularity in Pictures

Andrea Bartunek, contributor

It doesn’t matter what actually happens in high school, whatever the yearbook shows will be the forever truth. Maybe you’re an antisocial awkward student who would rather eat lunch in the art room. Well, then your parents are probably worried about your lack of friends but there is a way to get around that. Since whatever the yearbook shows is the real proof, all you have to do is sneak your way into as many photos as possible. Then you can show your parents that you in fact, are popular. You can also now add those clubs on to your college applications. Are you in the LGBT club? Oh, you’re not? Well just jump in the group photo! Now you’re a proud supporter of gay rights! And you have a new diverse group of friends. Are you an athlete? Doesn’t matter - just join in on the volleyball pic. As long as you’re wearing short shorts no one will notice. You’re probably thinking “I could never get away with that!” You can, no one notices when you’re not around, you think they would notice when you are? Nope! Who cares that you were Netflix binging the night of prom? There’s photoshop for that. Just make sure you have an in with someone on the yearbook staff. That’s possible because a surprising amount of nerds are on yearbook. They might be the only friends you have and they’re probably really good at photoshop. Didn’t get a senior superlative? Just stand in on the cutest couple pic as the third wheel. It’ll work. You’ll probably get “most dangerous to pedestrians” because you accidentally get in a car wreck the day everyone is voting. Terrible timing, but definitely one way to get in the yearbook. Spontaneously join drama club, take the group photo, and quit immediately. Drama kids can get to be too much to handle most times. Chess club would be easy to join and quit but you don’t want to be involved in that social suicide. It’s best to stick with the basics like Environmental Awareness Club where you just have to pull some weeds and you’ll get a full picture in the yearbook.

Meme by Dutch Savage 48

Make sure you do all these things but actually avoid socializing in high school. The library is a fun place to hide but sneaking off campus is more fun. Sneaking around in general is the best way to go. Sneak into those photos and you’ll look so popular in the future. Your parents will be so proud. Plus, everyone loves looking at their yearbooks after high school. You’ll be the best friend those people don’t remember.



www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

Jiminy Christmas! I’m Glad I’m Not Bill Cosby Right Now! I've done some boners in my time, sure. I've made some dunderheaded moves!

OJ Simpson, contributor, Interview by Zack Newkirk, staff

I once fumbled on the one-yard line against the Raiders in the playoffs. That sucked! And some other stuff. So yeah, you could say I've made my share of boners, my friend! But geez louise, have you seen what ol' Bill Cosby is up to? No thanks! I'm happy right here! Wouldn't trade my place with Mr. Cosby any day of the week! Those charges against him? Yikes! Nuh uh! I mean, I've pulled some boners -- don't get me wrong! Once i had a glass of milk with me when I was putting a glass of oil into my Buick, and instead of drinking the milk and pouring the oil into the Buick, I drank the glass of oil and poured the milk into the Buick! Yeepity beepity! That was a head-smacker to be sure! And you should have seen the look on the face of my mechanic! Yipes! But the Coz, Heavens to Betsy! Have you heard of this? Drugging ladies? Hey, pal: there's only one guy who's allowed to drug ladies, and he's called the anesthesiologist! And he had to go to school for seven years to get that job, Bill! Buy a clue already! Look, I've committed some boners, yeah. I agreed to be in Naked Gun 33 1/3, for the love of! For crying out! Homina homina homina! But slipping a woman a mickey before doing the nasty? Not cool, William H. Cosby! How could you think that was cool, huh? Yes, OK, I've perpetrated some boners. I nearly sawed my exwife's head off and butchered up her waiter boyfriend, for Pete's sake! One other time, I accidentally hit the wrong ball on the 11th green at Spyglass Hill! Now THAT was embarrassing! But would I coerce or otherwise take a woman into relations without her consent? Never in a billion, trillion, zillion years! You ruined your legacy, Bill. Now everything good you did is worthless! Way to go, moron!

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www.savagehenrymagazine.com 51

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More Seniors, next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 53

History’s Seniors, continued Jeffrey Dahmer

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S| L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I H ||T |THAT|WAS|A|ROUGH|YEAR| Three hapless grade school troublemakers in boarding school get Zero For Conduct (1933) and begin plotting their way out of continuous Sunday detentions. After finding the attic store of ammunition the whole class makes a Jolly Roger and declare surreal war with “dirty cans and smelly boots, liberty or death!”

In a distant past future, gangs have taken over sections of most cities leading the Department of Educational Defense to install experimental androids -- *ahem* “battle droids” to oversee the Class of 1999 (1990). Led by a mustachioed new wave albino with a sweet rattail mullet, the machinegun-wielding cyborgucators apply corporal punishment liberally and trick rival gangs into a firefight in a “bad, fucked-up, George Jetson nightmare.”

The muck dripping from a frozen prehistoric fish causes a dog to grow large fangs, turns a dragonfly gigantified, and a professor into a Monster On The Campus (1958). The professor morphs into a “stoned” age man-monster after smoking the dragonfly blood that accidentally dripped into the bowl of his pipe. Dude…

Influenced by Zero For Conduct, the film If... (1968) finds Malcolm McDowell in a tyrantrun boarding school with the usual assortment of sadistic bullies, uncaring teachers, and touchy-feely priests. His study walls are a collage of family values pictures and war which foreshadow the impending revolution. “Death to the oppressors!” Class Of 1984 (1984) starts out innocent enough; terribly cheesy Alice Cooper song, shot of school parking lot. Then at 2 minutes teacher Roddy McDowall closes his gun-toting briefcase and walks into a school with roaming drugdealing punk gangs, no wall left un-graffitied, and Michael J. Fox getting licked by a tough girl. Basically A Clockwork Orange meets Three O’clock High with a disturbingly violent teacher vs punks finale.

|michel|sargent,|staff|

Horror High (1974) is full of strange music, creepy armwrestling teachers, creepier students, and a nerdy weirdo everyone calls a “creeper.” The crazy-eyed school janitor forces said nerd to take an experimental chemical that turns him into a homicidal maniac when his tormentors are near (including a very awkward golf cleat-footed gym coach stomping).

Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 59

... continued from previous page

r e t a w e v r e s con H T I W S T N E I R & NUT m e t s y s p i r d a talk with our on staff drip expert

Though the gatekeeper’s dog is not enthused, the girls swoon when a new teacher arrives in Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory (1962). The teacher, “proven innocent in a court of law” of something, is assured by the headmaster that the girl who fainted is “just coming of age” and not to worry. Actually they should probably worry about the other teacher/student liaisons, the blackmailing and the hairy monster roaming the forest.

An angry, stubborn high school tough doesn’t want psyche hypnosis from the psychologist who enjoys using hypnotherapy on teen boys to make them more agreeable to authority in I Was A Teenage Werewolf (1957). The doctor uses an experimental serum to bring out primitive instincts while a plucky reporter is determined to find the truth of some recent killings. Sort of a cross between Monster On The Campus and Horror High with a touch of Werewolf in A Girl’s Dormitory (and better than all three).

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Book Review

Sarah Godlin, staff

Audible.com is the best thing that ever happened to me, in front of my children, maybe behind finding that salisbury steak recipe. Hands and eyes-off reading is lazy AF, but if you need to drive to Louisiana in two days you better get yourself some audio books. And also some cocaine.

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We Totally Saw That Coming, But Still Shocking

Ausbon Brown III, contributor

What a year we have had of totally predictable, yet shocking follies. The rise of phone applications such as Uber and Lyft, has altered the way car-free commuters traverse big cities, as well as smaller towns. An app where you tell a complete stranger where you are, for them to come pick you up in his or her personal car and drive you off into the night: what could go wrong? Everything. Everything could go wrong. We all saw it coming, but when it happened it was still pretty shocking.

Reports of violence during these transports have started to surface. Incidents such as that involving Uber passenger Roberto Chicas of San Francisco, who found himself on the ouchy end of a hammer in September of last year, during what he probably thought was going to be a tranquil ride home after work. Thankfully, Chicas survived.

Who would really want to use an old-fashioned taxicab like the old days? Who needs that annoying, little plastic violence barrier between you and the stranger driving you around, like in a taxi? It is so last century. In with the new way. Just as many apps before them, Lyft and Uber answer questions that have never really been asked, like: “How can you make your taxi ride slightly more dangerous?” There is an app for that. It must be said, phone apps and the companies that spew them forth with such capitalistic vigor cannot be blamed for human nature. If people were not crazy, Uber and Lyft would be amazing creations. With that being said, come on, we all saw it coming, but still, no less shocking.

Shocking things that we all saw coming cannot be mentioned in this yearbook without honoring the nation’s number one sport, football. It has been a terrible year in the NFL. Besides a recent spike in viewers due to scandal, the NFL has really been taking it on the chin harder than Ray Rice’s wife. People seem to be frustrated that NFL management is unable to better police incidents such as the disgustingly violent act Rice perpetrated against his significant other. We all saw this coming, but yet it still shocked the world when league officials seemed incapable of doing the right thing and severely punishing him. However, can a league that so ebulliently lauds players for violently smashing into other human beings as hard as they can really be expected to punish those same players for different acts of violence? Does not compute for them.

Photo by Dutch Savage 64

For the holy grail of “Totally Saw That Coming But Still Shocked,” the New England Patriots were fined a million dollars and their quarterback Tom Brady was suspended four games for improperly deflating footballs to give him an advantage. Even superficial football fans knew the Patriots were accused of cheating in the past (Spygate, Headphonegate, tampering, etc.), so we saw this coming. Yet it is still surprising to see someone as successful as Tom Brady be so insecure that he feels like he has to alter the football to gain an advantage. If Tom Brady feels like he has to cheat to gain an advantage, what does that tell the rest of us who honestly suck our way through life? We should clearly have no confidence in our pathetically honest balls.

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www.savagehenrymagazine.com 65

Six Beers Deep Monthly Confession

Caldera Brewing Company IPA

Josh Duke, staff

ABV 6.1%

Beer One - So i’ve come to this conclusion that Microbrews in a can are really for people who like to get drunk when out in nature. And I get it; when you’re camping you want something that won’t shatter and is easy to pack out. For sure, bro. But I’m also of the camp that a glass bottle is the cleanest way to drink a beer of any refinement, and sipping out of can should only be done out of necessity, as the aluminum of the can sometimes impart aftertastes to the beer. I think this problem is exacerbated even further when drinking a rather hoppy beer out of can, giving an already bitter beer a very metallic finish. Good thing that by the end of this I’ll be too drunk to care. I tried to get high in my youth by smoking maple leaves and cornhusks. Not together. That would be stupid. -SG

Beer Two - So as my palate adjusts I of course think bout what this

beer truly tses like, becuase really, beer is never something you judge on first impressions. You gotta let it breathe, you have to let the alcohol deaden your sense of taste. The result? Eh, it’s ok. Still has a prominent metallic taste.

Beer Tree - So the label of this beer has me all kinds of confused. It says,

ina purple banner circling the top, “Go snowboarding, Go skiiing, Go rafting.” I dont hthink that these are things you should be doing while drinkign this beer. It’s over seix percent for goodness sakes! Do you want there to be soem kind of accident? No one will be alboe to afford your beer because they have to pay off all their crazy medical bils and theyll get all depressed and have to drinkmk somethin glik eblakberry steel reserve cuz they’re poor. Dear lord this beer has hit me.

Beer Fore - So like, this beer thinks it can suggest to me all the things that can be done which will inevithybale cause a horrible acciden t and all that? Well don’t tell me what to do! I’ll sit on my couch and drink this just find thank hyou avery much@ Beer Five - Caldera? Isn’t that the bad guy place from Tru Detective? I bet they kidnap kids...alegedy. Beer Six - Isn’t tasting metal a sign that you’re having a stroke? Or was that heart attacks?

or maybe I’ve just had to much.



Josh is an overly experienced drinker that takes enough just enough precaution while writing this article to prevent harm to himself or others. Now if only his sister will give him his car keys back. Please remember that this article is for entertainment purposes only, and you are encouraged to enjoy all consumption in a safe and responsible manner. Cheers. Also, this article is sponsored by Blondie’s Food and Drink. 66

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 67

Granny’s Rambles

Anonogranny, contributor

The yearbook issue made me think of all the recent changes in pot laws. Or for the high minded reader, “cannabis.” Happy now, snarky hipsters? Sheesh. Why, just last year I had to buy - ahem - I mean be given, pot from my uh, stranger whose real name I don't know in Southern Oregon, hide it in wax-sealed Depends packages and crawl up I5 with it. That's a long drive with no pot, no speeding, and an embarrassingly generic minivan. Add an adult kid or two so its a “family outing,” and -- well, you get the picture. Since I could only handle a couple trips a year like that, the rest of the time was skulking over to Washington to buy from teenagers. Wherever the pot was from I'd have to smoke it in the chicken coop, what with the nosy neighbors and grandkids visiting. Some say it would be easier to have my medical marijuana card. Well, some say it would be easy to sprout wings on my butt and dust backwards all day, too. Saying it don't give me the money to see a doctor, let alone pay for the damn card fees and license to grow. What? Oh, sorry sweety, forgot you had little Billy with you today. Look, he's laughing. Its good family time. Where was I? Oh. These days, though, it’s all different. Starting in July I can grow my own and smoke it in the living room. Hiding it will only be necessary from stoner neighbors and grand kids, who never leave their houses anyway. To be honest, though, I started growing soon as I heard the law passed! And after spouting off to my kids about how great a patriotic freedom and justice this law is, I felt free to start smoking openly, too. Their smug little faces pinched up from time to time, but what could they say? Anything they said against pot would just sound stupid in a couple months, anyway. Ha Huh? Oh yes, Billy, sorry. Stupid's a bad word; Grandma shouldn't have said it. Okay. I'm sorry. Where's your mom?! That smell is plants, honey. Aren't they great? Go outside then. I'll leave you with some words to live by.

1.Compromise means nobody gets what they really want. 2.Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 3. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 69

Book of Years

Spencer DeVine, contributor

When the printing press was invented in 1440, it completely reformed the meaning of knowledge distribution, and gave us such modern treasures as The Hunger Games, and old classics like the Kama Sutra. Books are such a simple concept that go underrated, but every century has its own works of art that stand out as an artistic example and helped shape the times ahead. Let us take a brief jaunt through literary history together, the yearbook of book years. We’ll start with the 15th-18th centuries.

17th century Aw God, School SucksGalileo Galilei

18th century Don’t Shoot Till’ You See the Whites Of Their Eggs-Israel Putnam

Columbus spent most of his days as an explorer, venturing out in the late 15th century (1492) in a gallant run for the Indies. Not as much is known about his ventures into the world of comedic travel novels, but this is one worth checking out. His skill at craftily using quips and metaphors to cover the obvious bloodshed and moral ambiguity is nothing short of genius. Read helpful travel tips about preventing and treating scurvy while also discovering how to not to learn the languages and customs of others.

Galileo, one of the fathers of academia, was not always the dead dude he is today. Galilei, in a surprising twist to his legacy was actually bored by math and science. In this novel he breaks down the droll and monotony of it all, while lamenting on his choice to pick up charts and theorems instead of pursuing his long-time passion of sword juggling. While his works were one of the sparks of the scientific revolution in Europe, Galilei remains petulant throughout his book and says some rather unsavory things about the sundial.

The American Revolution was a monumental movement that saw a lot of death and destruction, but that doesn’t mean nobody got hungry. Famous general (probably, I only wanted to do so much research for this piece) Israel Putnam was a pivotal force in the Battle of Bunker Hill, but when he wasn’t taking down redcoats, he was wearing his chef’s coat. Discover such wonderful recipes as wild mushrooms boiled in the fat of dead mice, and delicious desserts like the buckshot and dirt crumble. Be forewarned, while delicious, every recipe may give you leprosy, a calculated risk of fine dining.

“Sometimes you want to buy a ‘new world’ that seems rather dusty and used, fear not locals are usually A-Okay with a little bartering.” -Columbus

“What the hell do telescopes even do? Make small stuff bigger? Yeah so does a working girl down at the shipping port. Color me unimpressed.” -Galilei

15th/16th century: Hey, Is That America, Y’all? - Christopher Columbus

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“Some more experimental chefs say to boil your squab soup for a minimum of three days to kill all of the worms inside, but since when did a little protein kill anyone every time? It’s a solid chance, but not 100%” - Putnam

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XOXO...XXXX

Simple All In One Products For Outdoor Growers

Bethany Hernandez, contributor

There was a girl named Laurie in my drama class my junior year of high school. We were great friends for that one year, having worked together on a few scenes and projects. Additionally, our twat-nugget of a teacher had chosen a play for that quarter with a large cast so that every student in the class would have a part except for Laurie and I. We ended up in the sound booth and had infinitely more fun than anyone in the show. We put together a badass playlist of pre-show music and executed some spot-on timing of Microsoft Powerpoint sound bites. We got to spend a large portion of rehearsal time just goofing around, and gossiping about which actors sucked a big one, and why they couldn’t just figure out how to knock in sync with the sound effect. I think we had the same free period, too, so we spent those together. That, as far as I was concerned, was it for that story. Until I recently read through my old yearbook signatures. Here’s what Laurie wrote in my yearbook:

Bethany - I will miss you!!! “Miss Kentucky” was sooo fun! And the hot time in the sound booth is unforgettable. ;) I know where you live! So i will surprise you one day. :D Love You Too Much! Laurie, xoxo...xxxx I think it’s also important to add that she wrote it in large, swooping letters with a pink Sharpie. Not even a gel pen. A motherfuckin’ fat marker. Normally I’d just assume anyone who wrote in a yearbook with a Sharpie was a self-indulgent cockface who considered any sentiment they had for anyone to be worth a ton of extra page space. However, I feel like Laurie had different motivations than that. First of all, a “hot time in the sound booth?” I don’t remember anything hot going on. Second of all, she loves me “too much?” XXXX??? Maybe I’m incredibly vain. In fact, I certainly am incredibly vain, but after I read this I thought of how baggy her pants were and how huge her skater shoes were and just how many posts of mine she’s liked on Facebook. The thought that someone might have had a secret crush on me is a very nice one to have, so I’m just going to go ahead and have it, all right?! Is that all right with you? God!

That’s a great thing about high school yearbooks, isn’t it? Much better than stupid fucking Time-hop photos, which, by the way, are deteriorating the fabric of our already-stunted generation. But that’s for another time.



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Free Senior Quotes to Use in Your Yearbook

Cornell Reid, staff

Hey it’s me, well-known and beloved celebrity, Cornell Reid. This article is for those of you who are graduating. Now I know most of Savage Henry’s loyal readers probably aren’t familiar with the concept of graduation, or attending class, or even reading. Actually, most people who pick up the magazine just use it to wipe up the Monster they spilled on their dreads or to look at all the ladies in the hydro shop ads so they can whack it behind a tree. But even if you are actually reading this magazine, let’s face it, you’re probably not graduating. From the data we have collected, we’ve found that our readers are either A) about to be arrested or B) about to enter an eating contest.

However, if you’re some dork who actually IS graduating, which is hard to believe, then you’re Photo by Dutch Savage probably looking for a sweet senior quote. So being the super popular celebrity that I am, I figured I’d offer you guys a few to choose from. Here you go: “Live, laugh and love, you stupid motherfucking assholes!” - Cornell Reid

“Can’t wait to use everything I learned in school to trim for the rest of my life!” - Cornell Reid

“Hey <insert math teachers name> thanks for all the sweet sweet meth!” - Cornell Reid

“Wow I hope this makes some dumb Buzzfeed list!” - Cornell Reid

“I have 3 testicles.” - Cornell Reid

“I love Cornell Reid’s articles in Savage Henry Magazine!” - Cornell Reid

“I’ll fight any of you dumb teenagers.” - Cornell Reid “Party at my house this Saturday at <insert principal’s address here>! Bring tons of beer, weed, and guns! Seriously, see you Saturday!” - Cornell Reid “Wow, Paul Blart 2 sucked.” - Cornell Reid “Can’t wait for the new Entourage movie!” - Cornell Reid “Now I know why my parents still make me wear diapers!” - Cornell Reid “I’m pregnant.” - Cornell Reid “I could have never graduated if it weren’t for my penis pump.” - Cornell Reid “I cheated on every test I ever had.” - Cornell Reid “They give deplomas 2 anybodie heer!” - Cornell Reid

“I hope they don’t make me write my own senior quote because I can’t write or read!” - Cornell Reid “Mountain Dew killed my cum.” - Cornell Reid “I’m gonna drive so drunk tonight!” - Cornell Reid “Who wants to barf on my butt?” - Cornell Reid “I have your daughter. Send $250,000 USD by tonight if you ever want to see her again.” - Cornell Reid “Wow, all these other senior quotes are really dumb!” - Cornell Reid “I totally kicked <insert dumb idiot nerd’s name>’s ass today!” - Cornell Reid

“Where the weed at?” - Cornell Reid

“I hate Cornell Reid’s articles and I hate Savage Henry Magazine!” - Cornell Reid

“Wow, Paul Blart 2 was awesome!” - Cornell Reid

“Wait who’s Cornell Reid?” - Cornell Reid



There you go! I hope this helps your graduating fantasy. Now back to reality; time to get trimming. 74

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AILMENT OF THE MONTH

DENTAL PROBLEMS SEVERE ENOUGH TO WARRANT HEADGEAR

Hope you like your virginity, Robby. -SG

The wild animal Issue

next month:

Fuck that Honey Badger bullshit

I Ain’t lion!!! WHAT’s the deal with Elephants?