Issue #61 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

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Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Adam Jacobs, William Toblerone, Timothy Paul, Keith D, Spencer DeVine, Tiffany Greyson, J Patterson, Samantha Gilweit, Clyde McFadden, Thomas Hunter, Evan Vest, Dash Kwiatowski, Emily Hobelmann, Ivan Mueting, Don Pollo If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags.

Letters from Editors Let’s get ready to smell what the Rock is cookin’ you pencil neck geeks.

The Wrestling Issue of Savage Henry is upon us like a WWE event that storms into a town ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum and we’re all out of bubblegum. We leave no turnbuckle unturned, no mania un wrestled, no Gene un meaned. Our earpiece to the stars, Isaac Kozell, tracked down WWE superstar and standup comedian Dolph Ziggler. We review the best new music and I write about watching Sumos eat at a diner in Tokyo.

Papa Shango AKA The Godfather

Laugh if you will, scoff if you must but we will never cheat you out of lols. This is the bottom line cause Savage Henry said so! “Whooooooo!” Chris Durant Editor

Now go eat some egg salad!

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SUBSCRIPTIONS

12 issues = $50/year to the address above

There are inane observations, unfitting metaphors, bad humor and cuss words in here. Before you pass it to your little wrestler take that into consideration.

When coming up with themes, we wrestled around with some ideas. It took a little while before we pinned one down. But we pulled this one out from off the top ropes of our heads.

Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville

EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com

Parental Warning

Meme by Pat Dylan

Table Of Awesome Letters to the Editors....................................................9 Hulk Hogan Interview................................................ 11 Cholitas Luchadoras...................................................13 Obvious Jokes (“Jokes”)............................................15 Sumo of Love.............................................................17 Wrestling in The Bible...............................................19 Bret Hart’s Hair Care Secrets.....................................21 Rick Rude Stole My Lady..........................................23 Album Reviews..........................................................25 Your Signature Move.................................................29 Ben’s 10.....................................................................30 The Wrath of the Undertaker.....................................33 Is It A Wrestling Move or A Cocktail??!!..................35 Local High School Wrestling Match Attendance Hits All-Time High Since PTA Moms Replaced Team’s Singlets with a New Sexier Version...........................37 She’s Just That Into Me..............................................39 Bring Back the REAL WWF.....................................41 Stealing the Show – The Dolph Ziggler Interview....43 Catty Mean Girl.........................................................44 Reasons You Should Have Your Mole Checked........49 Bachelor of the Month...............................................51 Showcase of the Immaculate.....................................55 Moves Banned For Historical Insensitivity...............57

Photo by Dutch Savage Dr. Ringlove (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Wrestling).........................................................63 The Stars of Backyard Wrestling...............................65 Restaurant Review.....................................................67 Trailer Trash And Porn Stars......................................71 Animal Wrestling for the Refined Gentleman...........73 Professional Wrestler Catchphrases...........................77 Wrestling Moves Word Search..................................78 EavesDroppings.........................................................81

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Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. Oh my God. I fucking love you guys. This mag is toppppssss. Fuck the pork. Savage Henry is number one. Keep it real family! Andrew Flippin Capps

I loved Sarah Godlins review on the AA Bar and Grill (my #1 place for meat and chicken) the review reminded me of something Hunter S Thompson world write and was shared and enjoyed... Randall Wright. Ferndale, Ca... P.S. And Sonny Wong’s next door neighbor...... R Well thanks, Randall! Also, I was wondering what sort of things Sonny Wong throws away. Would you be able to go through his trash and give us a full report? I drive a public transportation bus in this small(ish) Sacramento Valley college town. When I finish the latest issue of Savage Henry, I leave it in the back of the bus (where the stoners always sit). It never fails that some one takes it with them.

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Hulk Hogan Interview SH: Hey, Hulk, so nice of you to come do an interview with Savage Henry.

HH: Yeah, you know I love the magazine, brother. When I’m not busting heads, I’m making my wife read me some of these laugh out loud articles. I thought my sides hurt after wrestling Andre the Giant, but that was nothing compared the gut-busting laughter I had to endure while reading last month’s Punk issue. SH: All right, shut up, Hulk. I understand you’re excited for the interview, but you don’t need to go on and on. I have a limit to how many words I can put in this article and I don’t need you wasting all this space with you going on and on about some bullshit no one cares about, ok?

Cornell Reid, staff

HH: Yes

SH: Fucking A! I knew it.

HH: I can drink quite a few myself… SH: Did I ask if you can drink beers? HH: No.

SH: Then I don’t give a fuck, Hulk! C’mon, man! Damn! Anyway, what was that like, wrestling such a big guy?

HH: Well, I went out there trying to grab him, but then he was trying to grab me, too! So when the bell rang we went out there and grabbed each other! Man, I’ll tell you what, it was a total grabfest out there.

SH: Wow, cool story, bro. So what’s the deal with the mustache? It looks like an upside-down field goal post. HH: You don’t like it?

SH: No, shave that shit.

HH: Ok, whatever you want, brother.

SH: Oh, and don’t call me brother, you idiot. What’re you, five years old? I’m not your fucking brother. I have a great family and we don’t need your lame ass trying to sneak on into it. HH: Sorry broth… I mean, sir. HH: Yes, I’m sorry, brother. I’ll try to choose my words more carefully.

SH: Fine, I guess I’ll continue the interview, but I’m just warning you if you pull a stupid stunt like that again I’ll come over there and beat your ass. HH: Who the hell do you think you are talking to me that way?

SH: Great, now get out of here and if I ever see you in person I’m gonna bust your ass.

HH: Oh god, please don’t, Cornell! No one punches as hard as you do, you’re the best-looking, strongest guy I’ve ever seen. If you punched me I’d probably die. Please have mercy!!! SH: We’ll see...

SH: Me? Well I WAS the guy that was interviewing Hulk Hogan, but now I’m thinking about being the guy that ripped Hulk Hogan’s balls off and stuffed him in a trash can. HH: Ok, ok! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start no trouble. I’ll behave.

SH: That’s fucking right. So you wrestled, like, Andre the Giant, right? HH: Yes.

SH: That guy seemed tight. He could drink like hella beers, right? 10

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Ancient artS TATTOOING &PIERCING.

Cholitas Luchadoras

Sarah Godlin, staff

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My idea to be a Bolivian Woman Wrestler for Halloween seemed sound. First off, I really wanted to wear something comfy and warm. Secondly, I really wanted to wear that hat. Third, I wanted to make a cape that Said “Diabla Sarita” and accidentally wear it forever. Win-win?

Fuck no. Apparently no one read that National Geographic. There must have been some space pictures on the front or something because nobody reads those. Space’s unpopularity is second only to pictures of snow. No one knew who I was trying to be.

So, for purely selfish reasons that will come to fruition again in October, I am here to tell you that there are Women Wrestlers in Bolivia, and they are badass women who hit each other with chairs and wear adorable bowler hats. They spit soda at the audience and have names like “Amorous Yolanda” and “Lupe the Skulleater.”

Photo by Dutch Savage 12

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Obvious Jokes (“Jokes”)

Zack Newkirk, staff

Q: What do you call Bobcat Goldthwait when he’s trying to reach his goal weight? A: Bobcat Goalweight Q: What do you call Johnny Carson when he’s trying to get his son into his car? A: Johnny "Car""son" Q: What do you call Ace of Base when they are playing in a celebrity baseball game? A: Ace of baseball Q: What is a bottle of Merlot’s favorite country singer? A: Merlot Haggard Q: What do you call The Beach Boys when they are playing a show at the actual beach? A: The “Beach” Boys Q: What do you call Nicolas Cage when he’s in a cage? A: Nicolas “Cage” Q: What do you call the Beatles when you find out that John Lennon beat his first wife? A: The “Beat”les Q: What do you call President Obama when he’s giving a speech? A: The Kenyan Muslim Barack Saddam Hussein Obama Who Sure As Heck Weren’t Born in No Hawaii, I tell you that much. Q: What do you call Ice Cube when he’s frozen to death? A: “Ice” Cube

Someone should tell those retard Beatles that there are seven days in a week. I guess we know who won. 14

@bloglin

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 15

Sumo of Love

Chris Durant, staff

I used to live in Tokyo. I knew of Sumo Wrestling before I lived there, but I had no idea how batshit crazy that city went over fat guys tossing each other around a ring made of rope. I got caught up in the hype; being a waiter at a fancy cocktail lounge in an American military hotel, it was hard not to. The matches themselves are like horse races, 15 minutes to a half hour or longer of hype and ceremonial gestures like tossing salt to honor Shinto deities. Some of the wrestlers just toss a handful while others get all Lebron James with the shit. But after false starts and lineups and ceremonies, the matches only last mere seconds. And there seems to be no weight classes, as a match can have a guy that looks like he has no business being a sumo wrestler going up against a guy who looks like he has no business being alive. Once the fat starts flying, the matches are pretty quick. The bar would erupt, and just as soon as it would start, the match would be over. Tournaments would only be held every other month, most in Tokyo. I never had the opportunity to attend a live yokozuna, but (as I was also a cook at the Johnny Rockets diner in town) I did have the opportunity to cook for and watch professional sumos eat. If they put sumos eating on TV it would probably get more viewers than the actual tournaments.

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Each...Each sumo. You know, a little light lunch before practice.

Give Me an H

After moving back to the States I had a couple of tournaments among my friends, but after slapping shirtless against your buddies a couple times it starts to resemble something besides an ancient national sport.

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Wrestling in The Bible

Thomas Hunter, contributor

For something to be in the Bible, it's gotta be old and it's gotta be important, but it doesn't necessarily have to be real. Obviously wrestling makes the cut. Wrestling makes its biblical debut in Genesis chapter 32. The reason you don't hear much about it in church is because, like most wrestling matches, it includes some awkward implications of sexual dominance. It started out as just another day in the McMahon family. Jacob and the nephew-sons he had with his two cousins that he married were running away from his uncle Laban, who wanted to kill him, and were going back to make peace with his brother Esau, who also wanted to kill him. But before he could face his brother, Jacob had to wrestle a mysterious stranger.

Monthly Confession That's where things got weird. After Jacob and the stranger had wrestled all night, the stranger grabbed Jacob's thigh so hard that he knocked it out of joint, and he said, “Let me go, it's morning already,” but Jacob wouldn't let him go until he said nice things about Jacob. So the stranger gave Jacob a new name, and Jacob called the stranger his God. Really. Look it up.

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The reason I went to High School wrestling matches was the same reason I went to High School swim meets.

“Winner gets to put a playground behind the Bayshore Mall”

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Bret Hart’s Hair Care Secrets Hi. I’m Bret Hart. People are always asking me, “Bret, what’s it like to be the champ?” And I say, “It’s pretty tits.” And they ask, “How do you get your hair so beautiful?” It was easy to answer that before the 1979 energy crisis. Because of certain decrees by the United States government, I had to come up with alternative hair care. I started messing around with concoctions in between matches and after many trials and very few errors, I have come up with Bret Hart’s Hair Care Products. A full line quality shampoos, conditioners and ointments to give you that championship look.

Body Slampoo

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The Valdez Conditioner Do not use this one in the shower unless it’s one of those old people sit-down showers. So buy Bret Hart Hair Care Products today, the only hair products to have freed trapped Chilean miners… twice! They’re the best there is, the best there was, and the best that ever be! *Warning: Bret Hart’s Hair Care Products require the use of rubber sheets and plastic covers on all furniture to limit damage.

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Rick Rude Stole My Lady

Timothy Paul, contributor

It was 1989, I was young, cocksure, but out of my element in Daytona Beach, Florida at a popular wrestling-themed bar named the Turnbuckle. What happened that evening was humiliating, but I left knowing the burden of being a man. My first girlfriend Misty and I were sharing a Junkyard Dog garbage plate, and I was talking loudly about how Ravishing Rick Rude’s win at Wrestlemania V was cheap, as Bobby “The Brain” Heenan had grabbed the Ultimate Warrior’s leg, resulting in a winning pinfall. I said that Rude would never be the champion Honky Tonk Man was. Misty told me to lower my voice. I said I didn’t care who heard me. Then I heard the music on the jukebox -- Joe Loss’s “The Stripper” -- and then the front door of the bar opened, and all I could see was his silhouette: the definition in his upper body, the sinewy potential energy in his legs, and the hair that seemed to blow back though there was no breeze.

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He walked with a confident strut, making his hands into tiny pistols that shot forward with each step. He paused by the bar and downed another man’s Budweiser in one swig, never taking his eyes off the beer’s former owner. He placed the bottle down, and said, “Thanks a lot, chump.” He then walked to the center of the bar near our table and said, “Cut the music. I want all of you out-of-shape, stupid, flabby Florida rednecks to shut up while I take my robe off and give the ladies a look at what they came here to see.” When he dropped his robe, I was astonished to see my girlfriend’s face airbrushed on his front of his tights. He came close to our table and began to gyrate in her direction. She stared at her face staring back at her, and at the outline of Rude’s dork. Rude ran his hands up his chest and then flicked sweat in my direction. I moved to get up out of my seat, and Rude pushed my head down with his index finger. He then extended his hand to Misty, and her hand trembled, accepting his. They kissed in front of me, and he led her to the door. On the way out the door he looked back, pressed his mustache with his fingers, and laughed. Rick Rude died in 1999, as he was too good for this world. Misty now works Tuesday morning shifts, legs and eggs at Lavender Girls Gentlemen’s Club.

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Finally, a belt to match every dress I own!

Photo by Dutch Savage

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ALBUM REVIEWS Vetiver - Complete Strangers Isaac Kozell, contributor

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Neil Diamond - Hot August Nights Clyde McFadden, contributor

If Andy Cabic, a.k.a. Vetiver, set out to make the soundtrack to an uneventful day at a private beach, then mission accomplished.

Before I met the love of my life, my cat Mr. Jigglebeans, I used to Vetiver's sixth album, Complete Strangers, dips its toe describe the summer ever so gently into several shallow pools of influence, of 1972 as my best including folk, synth, funk and tropicalia. The album title ever. That summer I was the Chief Cat is fitting, as each track varies in style and mood. The Robotics Technician common thread is Cabic's soothing, breezy vocals, for the world’s greatest which manage to stay nearly weightless, even when song man, Mr. Neil dealing with heavier subject matter. Diamond. Complete Strangers is an easy-listening album for the Hot August Night, a third best summer of your life. live recording at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles (not a cat-safe city, in my opinion) is perhaps the best rock and roll album in the world! I dusted off my vinyl copy last night and discovered that Mr. Jigglebeans had scratched side one; no more “Crunchy Granola Suite” for us! I think he may be jealous of the lifelike cat robots I have been tinkering with in my workshop. Thankfully, sides two, three and four remain intact. I like to sing out loud and replace the chorus with cat names. “Jigglebeans, You’ll Be a Woman Soon!”

Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR Rating: 12 out of 12 cans of PBR Continued next page... Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com 24

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Album Reviews, continued from previous page Courtney Barnett Sometimes I Sit and Think and Sometimes I Just Sit Samantha Gilweit, contributor

in compliance with CA H&S code 11362.5 and Prop 215

If my vagina could sing, it would sound like Courtney Barnett. The latest album from the Aussie singer songwriter, Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit is a swaggering and bold, yet introspective tour de force. Her deadpan, sing/speak delivery combined with masterful storytelling harkens back to greats such as Lou Reed and Bob Dylan, but with a refreshingly nonplussed and nihilistic “fuck it” attitude.

White Manna - Pan Adam Jacobs, contributor

The newest album from Arcata’s own White Manna punches you right in the ole yam bag with its heavy distorted sound. It’s vaguely reminiscent of when your uncle ran over your face with the lawnmower and your ears were replaced with old timey phonograph things. Well, at least we know what happened to Glen Danzig, he obviously had a massive stroke and formed White Manna (not true). This psyche-rock band from behind the redwood curtain believes in two things; distortion pedals and mumbling. A six song album fueled by chunky guitar riffs and Jim Morrison-esque vocals, White Manna is sticking to their guns, or their fingers are sticky, maybe that explains the poor audio quality. I love rock n’ roll but I prefer to hear distinction between guitars and sand blasters. To the untrained ear this may sound like two gazelles fucking in a wind machine but to my finely tuned ears, that’s exactly what it sounds like. Blame it on the analog recording equipment, or maybe the dudes we just too stoned to give a fuck. At one point I thought I was having a flashback to the time I ate acid and pretended to play bass for the Doors, but the Doors don’t have a bassist man… whoa, trippy. Overall, this album rocks pretty hard and made me want to drink a fifth of Jack Daniels on stage in leather pants.

Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR

The single “Pedestrian at Best” showcases Barnett’s talent for combining garage-rock and percussionheavy instrumentation with witty and semi-ranting lyricism. “Put me on a pedestal, and I’ll only disappoint you,“ Barnett claims in her chorus. Yeah right, Courtney. Unlike my vagina, Barnett’s pedestal is well deserved and does not disappoint.

Rating: 12 out of 12 Cans of PBR

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Your Signature Move

Ivan Mueting, contributor

Your signature move is who you are. It defines you. You could just say “This is who I am,” but actions speak louder than words. You can make no louder statement than slamming your enemy from the top ropes. You want to wrestle? You want to be the greatest? Well who do you want to be?

Do you want to be the strongest? Pick them up and thrown them? Do you want to be amazing? Go off the top ropes! Do you want to be feared? Go for the neck. Do you want to be real as fuck? Actually punch them. Make your mark.

Now you have to make a name for yourself. That means you have to give a name to your move, which begs the question...WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!?! Are you big and nasty? Dump

Truck! Photo by Dutch Savage Do you rep the pride of Spain? The Spanish Armada! Are you a magician? Hit ‘em with an Abra...Kadabra…..ALAKAZAMMM!!!! It’s over!!! It’s over!!!

Let’s recap. Be yourself, be creative and remember that wordplay is fuckin’ important. Now you’re ready! Now go hit someone with a chair!

What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month? This month my cat got the The Peoples Elbow, My roommate got the Peoples Elbow, my mom got The Peoples Elbow, My mailman got the peoples elbow… -SG

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0 Volume LXI: Ben’s 1 The Best Songs of 2015

Ben Allen, music editor

I can hear it now. “Hey! It’s only May, why are you doing a year-end list already, you asshole?” It’s a very valid question, but one that can be answered with “there’s already been an abundance of great music come out this year, you dipshit!”

Howlin Rain “The New Age” For some reason, Howlin Rain leader Ethan Miller has invited us to his personal therapy session. “The New Age” tells the story of a severe depression leading to a rebirth. The passionate vocal delivery reaches its apex at the song’s end, when Miller desperately yelps ‘I Awoke” repeatedly.

Ultimate Painting “Ultimate Painting” Unapologetically retro, Ultimate Painting’s eponymous lead single harkens back to the sunny sounds of California circa 1973.

Father John Misty “True Affection” Father John emerged out of the "folk beard-rock" scene of Seattle playing drums for the Fleet Foxes. He's taken a large evolutionary step here by incorporating electronic percussion into this groovy, sexy song.

Sleater Kinney “No Cities to Love” On their triumphant “comeback album” this year, Sleater Kinney did everything exactly right. “No Cities to Love” sounds fresh and inspired, the work of women that have something that needs to be heard. The chorus on this song feels like an anthem you’d want to shout aloud while pumping your fist in the air.

Teach Me Equals w/ Vern Rumsey “PCiii” “PCiii” incredibly manages to surpass the brilliance found on the band’s 2014 debut Knives in the Hope Chest. A repetitive bass line anchored by electronic percussion holds down the verses, while vocalist Erin Murphy’s enchanting vocal makes the chorus absolutely irresistible. Stay tuned for this track and its accompanying EP in the Fall of 2015.

White Manna “Pan” The title track of their recently released album showcases White Manna at their best. The song starts with a bang, blasts off into space and never looks back. The moments where the band teeters on the edge of destruction, but somehow manages to pull it all back together are pure, transcendent ecstasy.

Built to Spill “Living Zoo” Doug Martsch and company return to the scene with this jangly, indie-pop gem. The track would be perfect for the opening sequence of a ‘90s sitcom. My vote is "Malcolm in the Middle."

Kinski “Flight Risk” “Flight Risk” is rock music at its best. Brutal, overdriving guitars bash away, while singer Chris Martin attempts to keep up with his gloriously imperfect vocal style. The track climaxes with a dual dissonant guitar catfight. Meow. The Sonics “Don’t Need No Doctor” The Sonics last album was released in 1967. All these years later, the guys sound better and more energized than ever. “Don’t Need No Doctor” is a great metaphor for their career - they’re saying “fuck it, when can play raw rock music like we’re still teenagers in a garage.”

Courtney Barnett “Pedestrian at Best” Aussie Courtney Barnett’s “Pedestrian at Best” is an absolute delight. Her bizarre, stream-of-conscious vocal approach is anchored by heavily distorted power chords. The chorus is incredibly infectious, and you’ll never guess a line as strange as “Give me all your money / and I’ll make some origami, honey,” would so immediately get stuck in your head.

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The Wrath of the Undertaker

Dash Kwiatkowski, contributor

Agent: Mr. President, we’re here to warn you about the greatest threat our nation has ever faced. President: Is this about ISIS?

Agent: No... the Undertaker, sir.

President: I’m sorry, the Undertaker? The pro wrestler? Agent: That’s right. He’s gone mad with power, and now he’s chokeslamming everyone, sir. Chokeslamming them to hell. President: Now, forgive me, I thought that pro wrestling was fake… or scripted. Agent: Tell that to the Vice President, sir. Oh you can’t. He’s in hell. President: I thought The Undertaker was just a tough biker guy.

Agent: Good God, sir, that was just his persona in the late 90s/Early 2000s. He’s long since returned to his ways of Dark Wizardry, and now he’s chokeslamming everyone he can find… to hell. President: Well what have we sent to stop him? Agent: We’ve sent in the Marines. President: And?

Agent: Chokeslammed to hell. President: Damn. What else? Agent: Fighter Jets.

President: And Fighter Jets couldn’t take him down? Agent: He chokeslammed those to hell too, sir. President: Have we gone nuclear?

Agent: Any and all nukes we’ve sent against the Undertaker have been chokeslammed to hell, sir.

President: Good God. Well, is there anyone who can defeat him? Agent: Dave Batista.

President: Great, let’s get him.

Agent: We can’t sir, he’s too busy doing films to wrestle. President: Wasn’t he in The Man With the Iron Fists? That movie was terrible.

Agent: Of course it was, sir. But have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? That was a delightful romp. President: Damn. Well, is there anything else that can defeat him? Agent: Well, it’s possible for someone to defeat him in an Inferno match.

President: That’s too dangerous! Won’t the flames burn anyone who steps outside of the ring?

Agent: Actually, sir, the flames are angled so as not to injure anyone seriously, in spite of their apparent danger.

President: Well then set one up. Can we get Macho Man? Agent: Dead, sir.

President: Chris Benoit? Agent: Dead.

President: Hollywood Hulk Hogan?

Agent: He won’t help us, sir; he’s a bad guy. President: How about John Cena?

Agent: Sorry sir, but I can’t support a plan involving John Cena.

President: Is he dead, or evil, or busy doing movies? Agent: No, sir. He’s just really, really lame.

President: Then God help us all. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 33

Is It A Wrestling Move or A Cocktail??!! Lemon Drop

photos and text by Dutch Savage, staff

Flying Burrito Brother Long Island Icee Toenail Clipper Jager Bum Sex On The Bench Oreo Speedwagon Hispanic Attack Mountain Don’t Salami Cock The Common Overdose Impeach Schnapps Back And To The Left Adios Mother Teresa The Assworshipping Rimjobber Indiana Jones and the Temple Grandin of Doom Metal Redbull and Cocaine Pizza Face Turd Ferguson Big Ugly Bald and Fat Guy With Lousy Head Tattoos Steroid Shot w/ Death Back Dennis Hopper Faith No Moron The Pregnant Idiot The Dead in a Hotel Room by the Age of 42 The Montreal Screwdriver 34

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 35

Local High School Wrestling Match Attendance Hits All-Time High Since PTA Moms Replaced Team’s Singlets with a New Sexier Version

Humboldt’s Only Hard Cider Company

Tiffany Greyson, contributor

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Maddy, president of the PTA -- who has a $60,000 unused marketing degree -- explained: “Wrestling has never been a high-generating-revenue sport for the PTA. We wanted to look at our opportunities for growth and see what could be done to change this. The PTA had a rainy-day fund which we wanted to use to invest into the wrestling team. We had a rare opportunity with our varsity team; this group is exceptionally talented and over two-thirds of them are over 18. This kind of a gem doesn’t fall in your lap very often. If done right, I knew we could make some serious bank off these kids. "I needed to figure out how to keep the current wrestling moms interested when it wasn’t their child out on the matt and how to bring in more people. Wrestling is basically a lot of fucking waiting until it’s your kid’s turn; no one cares about other peoples’ kids, and when it is your kid, all you can think about are skin rashes, cauliflower ear, and the required post-match de-lousing. "It all kind of came to me one night while I was taking a bath watching the new trailer for Magic Mike XXL on a loop… I needed to rebrand this team. "Our target audience is the ignored housewife living in the suburbs, whose husband is an overweight former football player with a hairy back. “With that in mind, we gave the team a make-over -- think Channing Tatum -- we had individual custom-designed singlets, haircuts, tanning, and professional photos. We updated our venue by moving the wrestling matches to later in the evening, added music and strobe lighting. It changed the whole dynamic of the match. I can’t tell you what’s on those moms’ minds, but I can tell you it’s not cauliflower ear or skin infections.” The PTA also added specialty items to the concession stand; Starbucks coffee, football-style jerseys with the wrestlers’ names, yoga pants, the Fifty Shades of Grey book series, dark chocolate, Ugg boots, any movie with Channing Tatum, and personal neck massagers. These PTA moms have figured out how to take a rainy-day fund and turned it into making it rain.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 37

She’s Just That Into Me

William Toblerone, contributor

I met her at a flea market. We were both checking out these tapestries with tigers and Richard Petty and some other awesome shit printed on them. She was gorgeous. Big ol’ boobs. Really made me think about doing it. She was with this big muscled-up foreigntalking guy. I could tell he was rich, too, because he dressed like a sheik. Fortunately, I was pretty huge too thanks to some shots I got from this doctor in Mexico. Real safe stuff.

...if people boo me she gives them the finger....

While the Sheik was waxing his mustache, she scooted out to my truck to show me her tattoos. She had a drag racer on each leg speeding upward. Then she showed me that her pubic hair was shaved into a checkered flag. “Whichever one wins this race is gon’ be dang lucky,” she said. She laughed like a chicken. I told her I loved her and we’ve been together ever since. Now she travels with me everywhere because I work on the road. She comes to my work and cheers me on, and if people boo me she gives them the finger. I get in a fight with one of my coworkers every night and she always gots my back. One time this guy climbed up high and he was going to jump and hit me real real hard with his big damn elbow and she sneaked up behind him at bashed him with a folded chair. How many chicks do that? Sometimes she even goes on TV to tell the world not to fuck with me. There was this one dude I work with that had this big-ass gold belt that I really wanted, so one night she choked him out with a microphone cord. He hit the floor limp as hell and three seconds later that belt was mine. It looks real cool when I wear it, but a lot of the time I just hold it up in the air and scream. She don’t really get along with the other ladies on the road. They’s always pulling each other’s hair and spitting at one another, but hell, I know she’s a sweetheart. She’s got them domestic skills, too. A lot of times I end up ripping my shirts in half and she can sew them right up. She knows I got beat-up shoulders from an old nightstick wound, so she sewed me some protective shoulder pads with big metal spikes coming out of them. It protects them damn good.

Photo by Dutch Savage 38

My girl don’t even mind that my junk has shriveled up to the size of a cashew, but that Mexican doctor told me that might happen. She’s just that into me.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 39

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Bring Back the REAL WWF

Keith D, contributor

The World Wildlife Fund can suck it! There can only be 1 organization called the WWF and it should the ass-kicking one, brother! The only endangered Animal I care about is Road Warrior Animal, because I don't want to live in a world where that legendary tag team has become extinct (RIP Hawk).

For those unfamiliar with the feud, in 2000, the villainous Wildlife Fund sued our beloved sports entertainers and ordered a cease and desist on the name. They must have hit the jury in the head with a steel chair when the judge wasn't looking, because they somehow won the case! In a shocking defeat, our hardworking, highflying, body-slamming American heroes lost the WWF title to those evil jabronies and their “Nature” causes. The question is why? Were people actually getting confused? Were there philanthropists thinking they were donating money to the Arakan Forest Turtle but sending it to Vince McMahon instead? Maybe. Or perhaps wrestling fans were showing up to wildlife fundraisers, demanding to see the Mountain Gorilla take on the Javan Rhino... Perhaps.

@bloglin Serving Humboldt since 1986

However, I find it far more likely that this lawsuit was filed out of scorn. Out of a deep, brooding jealousy over the millions (and millions) of dollars wrestling was pulling in. I think we need to open up a can of whoop ass on the S.O.B.s at the Wildlife Fund until they Rest. In. Peace. And if you're not down with that, I got two words for you...

@RealKeithDirty

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 41

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Stealing the Show – The Dolph Ziggler Interview

Isaac Kozell, staff

As an 11 year veteran of the WWE and an aspiring stand-up comic, Dolph Ziggler was the perfect fit for the Savage Henry Wrestling issue. Ziggler’s wrestling persona has gone through several phases over his career and led to him being one of the most talked about – and possibly, most underrated – athletes in professional wrestling today. In the ring, Ziggler is a cocky show-off. But outside of the ring, in a one-on-one setting, he shows himself to be humble, hardworking, and very self-aware. I talked to Ziggler about his role in the WWE, his stand-up comedy and his plans for the future. Isaac Kozell: 2014 was a big year for you. You were sole survivor for the second time in your career and were named Wrestler of the Year by Rolling Stone. How do you feel 2015 is treating you so far?

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Dolph Ziggler: 2015 is actually going pretty well. A lot of this business is timing and luck. There are hundreds - maybe thousands - in the world who are better than me, yet here I am 11 years later, just a step outside that coveted gold circle, fighting for my career every step of the way. It's not always about wins and losses, but winning two Survivor Series matches is something I will never forget. IK: I imagine that you rarely have breaks in your schedule. Give me a Reader's Digest version of your daily routine.

DZ: I measure my time off in hours. Usually 36-40 a week at home. Friday morning [I] fly out to show. Land. Get rental car. Find food. Find a gym. Find food to go, get to arena. Do show. Drive on to the next town and repeat until Wednesday morning. That day I fly home, only to fly out Friday morning again. It's nonstop and

there's no off season. We never stop! WWE does over 300 live events a year and that's not counting charity events and outside appearances. IK: Which city has the best wrestling fans?

DZ: The best fans for me are all of the East Coast and the very West Coast. But so many cities are unique. That's what makes this job so great. You may have a plan, but things change all the time. That's where being a ring general and having improv skills take over. It's my fav. I will never forget that without these fans I would have to get a real job. I thank them whenever I can. IK: At the time of this interview, you're working in the UK. I also just saw that you'll be in Malaysia next month. What kind of response do you get from nonNorth American fans? Do they connect with your character?

DZ: At the end of the day, even if you are in a brand new market and no one knows what a WWE show is, the bottom line is to entertain and put smiles on faces. Continued next page...

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... continued from previous page

All fans are different, but it's supply and demand. If we only get to your country once in a while, it's gonna be a hot crowd! IK: You've been wrestling since high school. At 34, how is your body holding up?

DZ: I've actually been wrestling since five years old. The first time I saw a WWE show, I told my dad I wanted to start wrestling. At five, I wrestled once or twice a week. It became much more vigorous and nonstop going into high school and all through college. I'm 34, and except for two concussions and some teeth knocked out, I've had no serious injuries. I've been very fortunate. Several other superstars have had countless injuries and taken time off, but I have not. I think I've missed maybe 3 weeks in almost 11 years - because of said concussions - which is probably the least amount of time of any WWE superstar ever … that's been here for 11 years. Google it. (Laughs) My body holds up because of my core workouts. I have been circuit training and intense cardio training since college, years before CrossFit became a thing.

Catty Mean Girl IK: In a recent post-match interview, you said, "For years I've been sitting around thinking. Thinking what I can do to make myself better. Thinking what I can do to make the business better." You've been with the WWE for 11 years. Can you elaborate first on where you think you could improve, and second, on where you think the business could improve?

DZ: I spend all of my free time - which isn't much - thinking of ways to improve my role and the business. In this reality era, blurring those lines of reality is key. There is an open door to our show and what goes on behind the scenes. The fact that years ago I was feuding with The Authority and Randy Orton, that I could use social media and appearances to blur the lines of reality and my storyline issues TO THIS DAY has people thinking I'm constantly punished for doing my job so well. (Laughs) That's the power of social media. That's how the business can continue to grow. If I had to improve anything from my end, I would try to be taller, but that's it. IK: There has been a lot of recent speculation about you leaving the WWE. If - and this is purely hypothetical - if you were to leave, what would be your next move? 44

Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 45

... continued from previous page DZ: In the last year I got an agent and a manager, just because I'm constantly asked to be a part of different outside projects. Even though I only get a few days off, I do not stop. Whether it's getting some stage time at an open mic, or flying to L.A. to watch a ton of stand-up shows. I'm slowly moving into movies and tons of outside projects in the next few months. I'm finally starting to book some stand-up dates too. At the end of the day, it's just to be a better WWE superstar [and] also make myself a bigger asset, that is in demand. There's a few months left on my current contract and I'm in the process of deciding. I love this business more than anything; hopefully it loves having me. IK: You mentioned working on a stand-up comedy career. What drew you to stand-up?

DZ: I love stand-up because the spotlight is on you and you have to deliver or fail. There's no one to blame or celebrate, except you. I've been into comedy since I was five or six years old. I used to watch Don Rickles on the Johnny Carson show and old reruns of SNL. I've been a student of comedy and live theatre forever. I stay involved by participating in improv shows monthly, classes on my one day off, hitting up open mics and just watching. IK: How do you find time to write and perform?

DZ: I have a lot of downtime in airports and on flights. I make it a point to write something everyday. I try tons of ideas out on Twitter and even though most wrestling fans don't always get it, they also had a little trouble connecting to Dennis Miller when he hosted raw once. (Laughs) IK: Does the WWE have any issues with you pursuing stand-up?

DZ: WWE has no issues with my stand-up. I do not miss work for any reason and will continue to work around my schedule because I'm a professional and do not allow complacency or laziness. IK: Who are some of your favorite comics right now?

DZ: My favs right now are Bill Burr, Daniel Tosh, Dave Attell, Louis CK, Whitney Cummings, David Spade. Andy Richter is great and one of my all time favs. Andy Kindler has been very cool to me for years! So many others ...

IK: You dated Amy Schumer for a while. She had many flattering things to say about you, including that you were great in bed, but that sex with you felt like wrestling, which wasn't necessarily her style.

DZ: The only thing I'll say about Amy is we had a blast hanging out together and the rapport was unbelievable. We would just go back and forth outdoing each other with jokes and laughs. Her work ethic was and is incredible. That's very attractive to me. Busting your ass and always working at getting better is hot and also the key to success! She deserves everything coming to her. IK: Plug time! What can we be on the lookout for this summer?

DZ: This summer is already heating up. I have two stand-up dates I'm about to announce in Boston in June and several more to come after those. My Twitter is the spot to hear my dumb/smart jokes - my love letters to Britney Spears and Chipotle - and catch up on where I'll be appearing next! Follow Dolph Ziggler on Twitter @HEELZiggler 46

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 47

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Reasons You Should Have Your Mole Checked

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Zack Newkirk, staff

Hemlines are up, and so are rates of skin cancer. But if you're addicted to that burn anyway, here are seven signs you should look for if you're concerned at all about dying from a completely preventable disease:

1) YOUR MOLE SPEAKS IN SPANISH

Moles shouldn't speak at all. If your mole speaks in Spanish, it's a sign that the mole is a "foreign mole" (medical term, not mine) and probably aims to do you harm.

2) YOU HAVE MOLES

It's not natural for the human body to have any moles. So if you have even one, don't bother even going to the dermatologist -- just head straight for the morgue and pick out your slab, pal.

3) YOU HAVE NO MOLES

You probably have cancer either way. Check with your doctor to find out what you should do about your cancer.

4) MOLES

W a k e

I’d like to see what Taylor Swift looks like with a broken nose. Like a little bitch with a broken nose I bet.

Moles.

5) MOLES. MOLES.

Moles moles moles moles moles.

6) YOUR MOLES SPELL OUT RACIST JOKES

Not OK anymore, moles. Maybe in the 1950s, but not now.

7) YOUR MOLES ARE CHOCOLATE CHIPS

Always check for this one. If they are in fact chocolate chips, just eat the moles and chillax. Stop stressing out so much, dude.

& B a k e 48

@bloglin Humorous styling of Don Pollo www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

Bachelor of the Month

Emily Hobelmann, contributor Photos by Dutch Savage Some say, "Don't shit where you eat, dip your quill in the company ink..." Fuck all that. This issue's most eligible bachelor is a member of the Savage Henry fam, a sexy single comedienne,

Matt Redbeard; 30, Comedian/ Videographer, Dow's Prairie

Matt Redbeard is obsessed with wrestling. He says he smokes more weed than he needs to. That's bullshit. He spends a lot of time in the forest -- a thoughtful woodsman in Adidas. He's a stand up comic and he spends a lot of time on the road doing that. But he's hella psychic so you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship with him over ESP when he's out of town. That's for real.

Meme by Dutch Savage

Matt Redbeard is from Dow's Prairie, which translates to hella street cred in the Savage Henry homeland of Humboldt County. He is kind of on the blonde side -- the only thing red on him is his beard -- Red beard, nothing else. He's honored to be Savage Henry's Most Eligible. He pledges to represent on the highest level and readers will surely hold him accountable.

CHRIS DURANT SAYS: “Call him The Cardinal...” I say call him Barbarossa.

REDBEARD’S DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET: “I’ve never really seen Star Wars.” (This isn’t really a secret.)

CELEB LOOKALIKES: Action Bronson; the lead singer of Drowning Pool -- Dave Williams (RIP).

WHAT HE’S SEEKING: “That’s constantly evolving.” Harmony for sure. He keeps his mind open to anything. FAVE EMOJI: “The little ghost because you send

that to someone and they have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Either that or they’re just scared.”

FAVE WRESTLER: Mick Foley FAVE HEEL: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper FAVE FACE: Bret “The Hitman” Hart REDBEARD IS WELL-READ: “I’ve been

reading Don Quixote for like the last ten years.”

DABS?: “Not at all.” Redbeard says Dow’s Prairie is “too old school” for dab culture. He smokes all his weed. (Redbeard is hitting dabs out of a vape pen, like as he’s answering this question.)

HIS BIG HAIR SECRET: “Showering

a lot -- I wash my hair.”

IS REDBEARD DTF?: “Yeah, I’m down for whatever.” BEST DATE: Redbeard is into the hangout date: “I’ve been a super big fan of... let’s not acknowledge that we’re on a date and let’s just do whatever we were going to do anyways, like we just hanging out.”

Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 51

... continued from previous page

HIS TATS: Redbeard is super-inked. He’s got his spirit bear and “this big gypsy named Madame Booya.”

NATIVE BLOODLINES: Redbeard is of

Cherokee, Choctaw, and Blackfoot heritage.

TURN HIM ON WITH: Styled hair, cool pants, sleeves,

piercings, modesty, trustworthiness, and a healthy weed habit... “Cause I like to puff tuff, ya know... I’m so fucking baked right now, I feel like we’re watching this in a movie.”

WHY IS HIS BEARD SO RED?: “The red hair part is weird because no one else in my family is redheaded... My real last name is Blackbeard.” (That’s officially a deep, dark secret.) ENDEMIC SPECIES: Redbeard is endemic to

REDBEARD IN THREE WORDS:

THE COLOR OF THE AURA OF HIS PARTNER:

PUNKBEARD: Redbeard got really into

CELEB CRUSH: “The

Redbeard is very polite, but he’s going through a really selfish phase right now so if you’re going to flirt with him, maybe be a little blatantly obvious about it. He really enjoys avoiding awkwardness, potent pot food and believing in Bigfoot.

Dow’s Prairie and he’s like “kind of a novelty...”

“Green, cuz weed’s green... I like purple.”

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chick who played the secretary, the ditzy secretary on the American version of The Office, because she was having fun with everything, but she’s also plain and mousy.”

I’ve never changed.

ska -- “I love Reel Big Fish like super hard.” And he rocked a mohawk back in the day, straight liberty spikes.

Wawa weeee wa!

LOVIN’ REDBEARD: “...starts with the cuddle. If you can get the cuddle, the rest just advances.”

DATE REDBEARD BECAUSE: He’s

super loyal and “really cool.”

FAVE PICKUP LINE: “’Did you ride the short bus? Cuz that booty retarded.’ Cuz it’s a little controversial because you say ‘retarded’ in it.”

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IF HE COULD HAVE A SUPERPOWER: It’d be the ability

to stop time. “It’s an incredibly useless superpower... I can’t rewind time, I’m just stopping it.”

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 53

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It's official. Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea is now a preacher. Bollea, or Reverend Hogan according to the church program, had a spirited, though auspiciously reserved sermon at the St. John MBE in Atlanta. The megachurch was at capacity hours before the service, many had to be turned away and numerous red and yellow signs were confiscated.

OJ Patterson, contributor

Whatcha gonna do when Jesus runs wild on you?

As a world champion professional wrestler, Hogan encouraged his young fanbase to say their say their prayers and eat their vitamins, a statement Hogan left out of the pulpit. In fact, the majority of Rev. Hogan's sermon, preached from the book of “Mark”, lacked the trademark repertoire: no shirt rip, no flexing, no “whatcha gonna do when Jesus runs wild on you", no pointing at the devil—yoooooou—then delivering a leg drop. "Real American" was replaced by "I've Got A Testimony". A villainous foe didn’t run down the aisles of the church to interrupt the speech. Chairs remained chairs. The only glimpse into the familiar came at the end of the sermon, when Hogan put one hand in the air, "life is hard..." The arm dropped. "And the road can get rough," arm once again raised and fell. "But," raising his hand one last time, "if you trust in GOD!..." voice raised with a sing-songy, Southern Baptist cadence, arm dropped in lethargy, "he'll catch you, brother"—not sure the connotation of "brother". His 24-inch python froze above the podium, hovered with feverish energy. The whole congregation then stood to their feet, clapping and shouting as the organ whirled an emphatic praise-polka. Rev. Hogan "hulked up", you know, like Hulk Hogan does, shaking powerfully until deacons ushered him to his seat. Some still question the validity of this newly expressed faith, speculating some promotion stunt or wrestling storyline. "We pay doubters no mind," spoke Rev Marcus Farwell, pastor of St. John. "We're just glad to support Rev. Hogan in the next step of his spiritual growth.”

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HUMBOLDT GROWN SINCE 1987 54

Showcase of the Immaculate

Hogan stayed long after his sermon to fellowship, shaking hands, though refraining from pictures. Hogan had been attending St. John since 2008, after a number of personal tragedies crushed his resolve and broke his spirit.

People say strange things. Especially out of context. And when they forget other people can hear them. If you hear something ridiculous, think of us, and of your fellow Savage Henry readers. Send them to us.

We love postcards, 791 8th Street - Suite N Arcata, CA 95521 but we'll take an email too - editor@savagehenrymagazine.com www.savagehenrymagazine.com 55

Moves Banned For Historical Insensitivity Everyone’s heard of the headlock and the suplex and even the pile driver… Classic wrestling moves. But since the dawn of the, ummmmm… sport (?) professional wrestlers have let their creative side out when naming their signature moves, and sometimes this gets them in some politically incorrect trouble. Here are some of the old moves that created controversy for the sport and its wrestlers.

Chris Durant, staff

The Market Crash

Okie Smith would hit the southern tour in the roaring ‘20s with his his tag team partner Roger Rogerstein under the name the Bull and the Bear. Not many people got that they were going for a stock broker thing, but they changed their off-thetop-ropes move the Market Crash to the Dust Bowl after Black Tuesday.

The Nagasaki Knee Drop

Legendary Yokohama wrestler Nobunaga would annihilate opponents with this move, but thought better of it after August 9th, 1945.

The My Lai Massacre

A Vietnamese immigrant and professional wrestler, Nguyen My Lai, was named so because he hailed from the infamous village. But after a company of American soldiers attacked the village, promoters changed his name to Ho Ho Ho Chi Mihn, a Santa Claus/communist leader mash up who was one of the most popular bad guys in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.

OUR TOP THREE FAVORITE WRESTLING TATTOOS

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| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I |TH

|michel|sargent,|staff| |||AND|THEN|THEY|WRESTLED|||TO|THE|DEATH|||| A giant asteroid falls to Earth, bringing malevolent moon monsters demanding sacrificial poor people in Hercules Against The Moonmen (1964). Musclebound Hercules shows up shirtless, glistening and ready to wrestle. The Queen deals with the aliens for world domination while Hercules wrestles a hairy sabertoothed beast, an army of rock monsters, and tons of half-nude men. Yum.

With the lack of clothing it's no wonder Hercules knocked up a few lady princesses which spawned a series of "sons" films, my favorite being Son Of Hercules in The Land of Darkness (1963). Son Argolese wrestles a lion to death and is awarded with marriage to the princess he saved. "Why, that's wonderful!" Argolese responds before he's told he must first wrestle a dragon. Crappy! The on-alog-over-a-ravine-ofburning-lava bear wrestling scene is a hoot, though; plus he grapples with the usual assortment of half-clothed men and elephants. Ursus In The Land Of Fire (1963) brings forth another son who's framed for a murdered king so the new guy can monopolize the local water source. On his way to freedom, Ursus wrestles horse-drawn chariots, genetic mutant men, and a giant rock next to an angry volcano God.

The people of Troy sacrifice their maidens to appease a water-caterpillardragon, and when Hercules finds out, he's to the rescue in Hercules and The Princess of Troy (1965). After wrestling pirates with tons of man-booty, he grapples with a horse, stone columns, then takes on the sea monster with sword and a wrestling death match.

Continued next page...

Meme by Don Pollo 58

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... continued from previous page

Strongman Maciste, while pulling in a large whale he harpooned from the beach, spies sun-fearing men with white glam-rock hair and Viking helmets rounding up gem mining slaves in Mole Men Against The Son of Hercules (1961). Maciste schemes their freedom by wrestling a crazy ape-monster, a pride of lions, and the albinos who melt to skeletons in the sun.

Wild hill person Perseus, with the prophesied mark of Jupiter, battles his newfound people and their neighbors to freedom from a usurper who uses a water dragon and Medusa to control the trade routes in Medusa Against the Son of Hercules (1962). After the populace revolts, Perseus defeats the monsters with the battle culminating in a good oldfashioned wrestle to the death.

In Hercules And The Captive Women (1961), our beefcake hero wrestles a shape-shifting snake/lion/ buzzard/fire-lizard monster to free some Atlantean women sacrificed to appease the angry, blistering God Uranus. Great volcanic ending with loads of manly up-skirt shots -- and take a drink every time someone says "Uranus.”

The sinister Hercules In The Haunted World (1961) stars Christopher Lee as an evil king, and is directed by cult favorite Mario Bava. Hercules wrestles his way to Hades and back for a magical stone to save his princess. With cool, semipsychedelic F/X, Hercules fights creepy flying-skeleton zombies, living vines that drip blood, and the least diabolical rock monster ever, with the hope of later wrestling the princess. Meow!

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 61

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Dr. Ringlove (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Wrestling) I learned everything I needed to know about wrestling at the age of five from my friend Kim, who has Down's Syndrome and nothing but love for vintage-era WWF (nopanda) superstars. I didn't know what wrestling was, let alone who the action figure with the yellow spandex and headband was supposed to be, but Kim did, and she used to bring over all of her wrestling figures to play with while my mom and her mom made cookies. I knew Kim was different, but at the age of five, I had yet to grasp the concepts of judgment or prejudice as defined by the media. Rather, I was deathly afraid of Kim because she had virtually superhuman strength.

My mom was always very adamant about me being nice to Kim and not judging her for being "different," which I had no problem doing. The problem I had was finding a way out of Kim's double-suplexfollowed-by-stranglehold moves that made me pass out and forget where I was. My mom would always be like, "Hey, Ray, stop being a jerk and give Kim a hug," before she left me alone and vulnerable to Kim's leg drops and piledrivers. Sometimes Kim would let me try moves on her, like the one where I tried to pry Kim's arms off of my neck before I lost consciousness. I'm not making this shit up, either. Sometimes I think that Kim didn't even have Down's Syndrome, but rather, just kind of slow and really, really good at memorizing the exact moves that WWF banned from use for being too dangerous, then executing them on the five year-old kid who she had lunch with once a week. But alas, I am not one to judge another person on their disability or stigmatize those who suffer from crippling medical conditions that most of us will never be able to relate to. Kind of like the way I ended up in a hospital after Kim broke my leg with an avalanche bloody Sunday reverse body slam while our parent's backs were turned at the zoo that one time.

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-5-7

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 0-9-9 Ask For It At Your Favorite Hydro Store! Photo by Dutch Savage 62

Ray McMillin, staff

Whenever someone says "wrestling is retarded," I get offended. First, for the obvious use of a derogatory term. Second, because of the fact that if it was, Kim could whoop CM Punk's ass in two seconds.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 63

The Stars of Backyard Wrestling Ray McMillin, staff

Duff Grunt (Warren, MI)

Known for inventing the "two keg leg drop" maneuver, Duff proudly sports a Slipknot mask while displaying his Monster Energy Drink tattoo sleeves in a tank top that has won the 1st, 2nd and 5th Annual Dirtiest Wifebeater Contests at the Michigan state fair. A former midway employee, Grunt is known for incorporating live farm animals (ranging from pigs to larger pigs) into his introductions, resulting in piles of boar shit that he uses to subdue his opponents in the ring.

"Sticky" Mitch Cocksparrer (Milwaukee, WI)

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A former-auto-parts-delivery-driver-turned-auto-parts-delivery-driver-in-search-ofwork, "Sticky" Mitch Cocksparrer has arguably the best backyard wrestling setup in Milwaukee, which has allowed him to develop some seriously gash-worthy gnarl moves (which visiting wrestlers aren't accustomed to). In addition to being able to drink over a case of PBR and still being able to drive a lawnmower, Mitch's signature move is the "under-gut belly chunk grunt punch," which leaves opponents dizzy and covered in pieces of Doritos.

Tamara (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

The "baddest bitch in the trailer park," Tamara is backyard wrestling's least objectified female participant. After taking a brief two-month break due to an unplanned pregnancy, Tamara, again childless, went on a "Slums of the South" tour in which she wrestled against several of the BYWE's best circuits. During this time, Tamara worked a variety of Waffle Houses and developed a tolerance to verbal abuse and first degree burns, giving her a unique advantage against the most experienced backyard wrestlers. Tamara is known for inventing the "sweatpants stranglehold" and the "Calvin urine arc" moves, which have both been banned by several backyard leagues.

Gregory Cocksparrer (Milwaukee, WI)

Technically a backyard wrestler after receiving an honorary title for purchasing a kiddie pool and six dozen two-by-fours for his son, Gregory has yet to compete in a single match. However, his contribution to the sport earns him a spot on this list.

Juggalo Jeff (Denver, CO)

A graduate of two separate doctoral degrees for architectural studies, Juggalo Jeff was forced into backyard wrestling after he was discovered listening to an Insane Clown Posse album by his colleagues and stripped of all access to extracurricular activities at his campus. Now classified as a gang member by the FBI, "Juggalo" Jeffery Thaddeus Matherson has embraced his status as unhireable and has since created such ringshattering wrestling moves as the "two-finger six-pack."

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 65

Restaur ant Review Mean Gene’s Burgers

Chris Durant, staff

On a lonesome stretch of I-5 in California, just south of Anderson and north of Red Bluff, lies the sleepy little hamlet of Cottonwood. Most just fly by at 70 miles per hour and don’t even notice this place. That was the case one summer day back in the early 2000s as I sped toward Sacramento after conquering the switchbacks of 299 yet again. But this day was different. Feeling a little hungry I happened to glance to the left and there it was. What? This has to be a joke!

A yellow sign with a mustachioed wrestling icon shouted in a tuxedo beckoned to me. Yes. That... Mean Gene.

Mean Gene’s Burgers.

We had to stop. This place had to be great. In the 5 minutes it took us to get from the freeway to the restaurant I filled my head with visions of Half Nelson Curly Fries and Knee Drop Double Cheeseburgers. Once we got in the place, which, to the best of my memory was also a gas station, all my fantasies died. The burgers were just one step up from those frozen Big Az Burgers you find at Arco.

I ate all my food, but was depressed the whole time. Not to say I look upon the experience with contempt now, I mean Mean Gene had a burger chain and I can say I ate there once. The restaurant has since closed and now when I fly by that sleepy hamlet, I get a little choked up.

Cottonwood, California will always have a special place in my artery. Rating: Food: 3 Body Slams out of 12

Nostalgia: Off the Top Ropes

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Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

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Calling all comedians. Soo you think your funny. Send us your stuff and see if we print it. We reserve the right to edit. 400 words. Pictures are a plus. editor@savagehenrymagazine.com

One

Alright, again with the IPAs. Hey Deschutes, how many times do you think you can reinvent the wheel? Aren’t IPAs passe now? Shouldn’t they be making a sour or something, and giving it some cleverly ironic alt-country sounding name like “On the Lambic” or “Rusty Wheelbarrow Saison?” What do I know, make you want. Except this beer. This beer is like Carson Daly; mediocre in every way possible. Actually, let me correct that. It’s a florally hopped American IPA that you can’t help but think there’s a hint of Pine Sol in the mix somewhere.

Two

I know that Deschutes was aiming for some floral aromatics with this beer, but it instead feels like you walked into a cat owner’s house. It was a nice try, but this isn’t something meant to be drank in large quantities. Am I going to do this anyway? Yes, because I love you.

Kick Out

How has Deschutes not made a board game called Deschutes and Ladders? Although there would only be falling down, no getting up. Hmm….I’ll have to work on that. Again, i’ve given away a millsion dollar idea. Your game pieces would be shped like little hop nuggets and everyeon e would get drunk during the game.

Huh?

So i guess the 7.1 percent alcohol is awhat i could call a redeming quallity of this beer. I mean, it gets the job done, despite being the carson daly cat piss of beers. Maybe i should just judge beers on how messe d up they get me, like, that’s what we drink them for, ya? I dunno, I’m just a lone genius despeansing knowlegde on all yal.

Flifth

Ok, so I get it now, I know you all wanna htate on me hating on an IPA, and i feel hya, you have a point. Myabe I should be more open minded. Maybe I should be more accepting of other people’s tastes and expectiatonis. Or maybe you all should just like better things.

Last one

Dear lord, after all this i may need to actually drink some pine sol after this toget the taste out of my mouth and stuff. and get a cat that can play board games with me. Sorry Deschutes, I’m gonna tell people to clean their hardwood flors wit this beer cuz that the only thing it isn’t good for. I think i can type more clearly with my eyes closed.

Josh is a semiprofessional drinker that has opinions worthy enough for print. Remember to please enjoy your libations responsibly and safely. Also, this piece was sponsored by Blondie’s Food & Drink. Tell them Savage Henry sent you, and you’ll get an acknowledging nod, and perhaps a smile. 68

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 69

Trailer Trash And Porn Stars My Favorite Wrestlers From The 90s

Evan Vest, contributor Growing up in the ‘90s, professional wrestlers were my superheroes. I always enjoyed it more then other professional sports. NBA players never smashed chairs on to their opponents skulls. Baseball players never had cool pyro entrances. Golfers never cut badass promos calling each other out. Here are my top 5 from the ‘90s, also known to most wrestling fans as the golden era.

#5. Val Venis: A porn star who also sold quality meats in the parking lot. During his entrance he would pick females in the crowd and have them perform fellatio as their husbands cheered. If he won the match he would proceed to do a wiggle dance over you and dip his nut bulge in your mouth. To this day he holds the record for most Make-A-Wish requests granted. #4. Mankind: Made his debut when Vince McMahon spotted a homeless person named Mick Foley walking around Long Island, New York. McMahon decided to humiliate this poor man by throwing a mask on him and having him wrestle the toughest guys in the business. To everyone's surprise he took to getting thrown on thumbtacks, burned with hot irons, and having his ear ripped off extremely well. He became a fan favorite and eventually went on to win the championship, which he sold at a pawn shop for liquor money. #3 The Undertaker: He killed people. His entrance alone would suffocate most of the front row. The Undertaker could murder your dad in front of your eyes and you wouldn't give a shit because Undertaker was the man.

#2: The Rock: The Rock constantly talked about breakfast, pancakes being his favorite and most often talked about food. He preached the value of a nutritional meal in the morning and would beat the shit out of anyone that skipped it. He beat many opponents with his "House Of Slamcakes" finishing maneuver. #1 Stone Cold Steve Austin: The undisputed king of the 90s. He made his debut when he jumped into the ring from the crown and beat Jake "The Snake" Roberts into retirement over money Jake owed him over meth. After the beating, Austin proclaimed "Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!", which no one knew what he hell it meant but agreed it sounded cool as shit. He was known for cracking beers and guzzling them into his throat. After that, he would get more beers and pour them in mouth of kids sitting in the front row. He won the Nobel peace prize in 1999. 70

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 71

Ronzo THC

The Humboldt Consultant Learn to Grow Organically and Be In Compliance Better for the land, your soul and for your pocketbook RonzoTHC.com • RonzoTHC on Facebook • email ronzothc@gmail.com

Animal Wrestling for the Refined Gentleman Spencer Devine, contributor It is inarguably difficult to be super fancy in a world full of ruffians and riff raff. Have you ever had your monocle chain snagged by a passing backpack strap? Had a button eaten directly off of your vest by a classless punk? Well, l have good news: you can train yourself as a strapping man-lad to prevent such misconduct again. The answer: wrestling animals. The tradition of wrestling animals in the gentlemen's community has long been purely for sport, but just like Karate, the basest martial art of all the 99%’s fighting forms, wrangling wild beasts can also be done recreationally as a reliable training technique for the modernday Rockefeller.

First step, always make sure that you have someone in your employ that can expediently take your dirtied fine attire to a dry cleaners post haste after your fight, there is nothing more damaging to one’s good name

and social status than knee socks with alligator blood on them.

Fisticuffs. Remember this word as you move forward in your training and for the rest of your gentlemanly life. This technique turns normal polo gloves into an outstanding pendulum of pain and class. No American grizzly is going to unbutton your vest when you bare your arms against his bear arms

While an exhilarating and impressive sport, animal wrestling does have a stringent set of rules that must be followed at all times, as defined by the CUMMERBUND (Committee of Unified Men Making Entertainment Regarding Beasts Under Neighboring Districts). An excerpt from Dr. Mustache Wax’s academic paper Ruffin Around: A Guide to Animal Wrestling and Artisan Cheeses shows two of the most important regulations to the animal wrestling community: 1. All animals in the ring must be dressed to the nines like the picture

of a model gentleman (all suits must have at least 3 pieces minimum, bow ties strongly suggested). 2. The only drinks allowed within the animal-wrestling arena are mint juleps, neat scotch, and bottomless G&T’s (one can literally never drink too many G&T’s; that’s just science).

3. Roquefort Cheese is dotted with blue chunks that are colonies of the mold Penicillium roquefort, a fungus found growing naturally in the caves of Roquefort, France. 4. Respect and regard must be shown to all ladies attending the fights; we all had mothers, even, though some scientists may contest, all animals. 5. Each match must start with the traditional gentleman anthem “Puttin’ On the Ritz”

6. Chèvre, French for goat cheese, should be eaten fresh and as close to when it is made as possible. To proceed on your journey to being both a gentleman and a champion, read the rest of Wax’s manifesto, as he is the prominent expert on the subject. And remember, get your rabies shots, my good fellows. 72

@SpencerTDevine

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 73

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Professional Wrestler Catchphrases

Professional Wrestler Catchphrases 1

3 4 5 6 7

10 11

12 13

14 15

16 17 18

3 5 6 7 8 11 13 15 16 17 18 20 21 22

ANSWER CHOICES Bret Hart Billy Graham Rob Van Dam Ric Flair Taz Ted DiBiase Vince McMahon Fred Blassie John Cena Eddie Guerrero Kurt Angle Chris Jericho Mankind Joey Styles Lance Storm Baron von Raschke Rowdy Roddy Piper The Rock Sid Vicious Brother Devon Booker T Triple H Paul Bearer

Across Across Down DownDamn Good! I came to fight and chew gum Am That 3. I came to fightbubble and chew bubble gum and1 I’mCause all outIof 1. da Cause I Amneed That Damn Good! and I'm all out of bubble gum! 2 And DAT is all people to bubble gum! Oh my brutha.... TESTIFY!!! know!!! 2. And DAT is all da people need to know!!! Oh myIs, brutha.... TESTIFY!!! I'm The Best5.There The Best There 4 It's True, it's DAMN True! 4. It’s True, it’s DAMN True! Was, And The Best There Ever Will Be Best There Was, 9 And You The Can't Seeeeeeeeeeee Me! 6. I’m The Best There Is, The 9. You Can’t Seeeeeeeeeeee Me! I Lie, I Cheat, I Steal! 10 Beat me, if you can! Survive, if I let you. Best There Ever Will Be Have a Nice Day! 12 Listen here, you Pencil 10. Beat me,Neck if youGeeks! can! Survive, if I let you. 7. IF'n Lie,Show! I Cheat, I Steal! I'm the whole 14 Yoooouuuuuu'rrreeeee FIRED!!!!! 12. Listen here, you PaulBearer 8. Have a Nice Day! 17 Who are you?....It DOESN'T matter what Dirty, Filthy,11. Disgusting, Brutal, YOUR NAME IS!Pencil Neck Geeks! I’m the whole F’n Show! Trash-bag, Ho! 19 Limousine ridin, jet flyin, kiss stealin, 14. Yoooouuuuu’rrreeeee 13. PaulBearer I am From Calgary... Alberta, Canada! wheelin, dealin, stylin & profilin son of a FIRED!!!!! Everybody's15. Got A Price For The Dirty, Filthy, Disgusting, Brutal, Trash-bag,gun! Ho! 17. Who are you?....It Million Dollar Man! 16. I am From Calgary... Alberta, Canada! I am the MASTER... and the RULER... DOESN’T matter what 17. Everybody’s Got A Price For The Million Dollar Man! of the WORLD! YOUR NAME IS! I'm the man18. of Ithe the man and withthe RULER... of the am hour, the MASTER... 19. Limousine ridin, jet the power, tooWORLD! sweet to be sour! Oh..... MY..... GOD! flyin, kiss stealin, the man of the hour, the man with the power, too Can You Dig20. It,I’m Sucka? wheelin, dealin, stylin

sweet to be sour! & profilin son of a 21. Oh..... MY..... GOD! gun! 22. Can You Dig It, Sucka? www.savagehenrymagazine.com 77

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EavesDroppings Homeless guy pushing a bike 1: “I’m an Asshole. That way they know my first and last name.” Homeless guy pushing a bike 2. “No you’re a Dick Asshole.” - Overheard in Champagne Alley in Eureka

“What the fuck is that?” “It looks like a cock ring, hun.” “What in the fuck is it doing in front of Bonanza?” “Idk but let’s wash it and use it.” - Commercial St, Nevada City

(This one was submitted by two different people ) “Not that I haven’t sucked a ball in my day.” - Babe at The Alibi “Not that I haven’t sucked a ball in my day... “ - Girl at the Alibi

“You should stop making out with strangers and eating gluten.” - Hungover couple at the Big Blue Cafe in Arcata

Girl 1: “I heard you can get any stain out with cheese whiz.” Girl 2: “Wait don’t make me try that.” - The Shanty “He didn’t tell me he was a Baptist preacher and i didn’t tell him i was a mean sonofabitch so i consider we’re even.” “I pick my - Overheard at a convenience store while bellybutton like at a family reunion in Oklahoma, rough once a year.” looking guy on a payphone or cellphone - Foster & Alliance

“Do you think I’m gay because I ate a gummy dick once? Fuck that noise!” - The Shanty “Where are all the women?” “I’m so stressed out... all my “Playing D&D.” clothes are covered in cum.” - Circus House Porch - A mining claim in NC “I just wish I could slip away into a sweet heroin addiction, but I just don’t have the time for that right now.” - Oriental Buffet

“Yeah, you were doing ok too, until you hit “Then I shit my pants… “I know you’re fat, I can someone.” so I called my dad.” find a roll to stick it in.” - Sidelines - Girl in Wildberries - Boise bar

“I just hope it doesn’t come down to me sucking dick for money.” - Dude on plaza

Guy: “Have you heard of sharted, the new weed thing?” Girl: “I think you mean shatter.” - Colfax, CA

“I want to get pink eye from that girls butt.” - Eugene restaurant cook

Dude: “What are you guys doing?” Chick: “Talking about environmental justice.” Dude: “Well I’ll leave you to it.” (walks away) - Richard’s Goat Friday night

“YA I NAILED MY GRANDPA.” - Blondie’s quiz night

“They were talking British and it was making me sleepy.” - Dude on futon “I savored. I swallowed.” - Grass Valley

1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Text it 707.845.8854 or... Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it.

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AILMENT OF THE MONTH

CAULIFLOWER EAR

The short stocky dude in JR high that you sat next to had it and you always thought it was a birth defect. When an ear receives a blow the cartilage separates and fibrous tissue grows. Then Staci, your girlfriend, dumps you and dates the president of the MECHA Club instead. ¡HIJOLE! -SG

next month:

The Yearbook Issue Most likely to have a midlife crisis

Freshman Tennis Club Your art teacher was most likely high

Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82