Issue #60 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we got that facebook thing too.

TIE-DYED PUNK | Monica Durant SAIRXIE SAIRX| Sarah Godlin

GREG GINN AND TONIC | Josh Duke FAT CHRIS | Chris Durant

Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Adam Jacobs, William Toblerone, Timothy Paul, Keith D, Mikey Morales, Leah Brzezinski, Spencer DeVine, Tiffany Greyson, Evan Vest, OJ Patterson, Joshua Samuel Brown If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville

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12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

Letters from Editors I don’t wanna hear it. All you do is talk about you. I don’t wanna hear it. ‘Cause I know that none of it’s true. I don’t wanna hear it. Sick and tired of all your lies. I don’t wanna hear it. When are you gonna realize... That I don’t wanna hear it. Know you’re full of shit. Shut your fucking mouth. I don’t care what you say. You keep talking. Talking everyday. First you’re telling stories. Then you’re telling lies. When the fuck are you gonna realize… Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn’t work out the way I wanted too, and I get real frustrated, and it’s like, and I try hard to do it and take my time and it just doesn’t work out the way I want it too. It’s like I concentrate on it real hard but it just doesn’t work out and everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out. It’s like I need time to figure these things out, but there’s always someone there going. You don’t want me anymore, so I walk through the door. I play the game right from the start, I trust you, you use me, now my life’s all torn apart. Boys out pushin’ me Friday night intimacy. Goin’ out the family boar another dead through this door. They said, “yo yo from the CIA” they’re goin’ “Yo yo” what an artist said they’re goin’ “Yo yo yo. Yo yo yo” Brad’s off twistin’ a win and I can’t afford to pay the feds and now I’m never late on Friday night transit cop lookin’ to fight. Please enjoy….. fuck head Chris Durant (and old childhood friends) Editor

Parental Warning Your kids are already little punks. Don’t let them read this magazine any more than you already have. -SG Table Of The Shit in This Magazine

Letters to the Editors....................................................................9 Look at this Fucking Oogle..........................................................11 What’s Your Punk Funk?.............................................................13 Is It a Punk or Is It a Skunk?........................................................15 (Products) For the Punx...............................................................17 Reasons Why Your Mohawk is the Worst....................................19 Famous Punk Rockers Review the Billboard Pop Charts............23 Album Reviews............................................................................25 Ben’s 10.......................................................................................30 Chaos U.K is Gonna Be O.K. ...................................................33

PUNK UPDATE! .......................................... 35 10 Buzzfeed Listicles and Quizzes that Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity For a Little While.............................................................. 37 Lesser Known 90s Pop Punk......................... 39 Tips from the Punk Ass Punk......................... 41 Catty Mean Girl............................................. 41 The Road, The Mics and the Music............... 43 JT Habersaat Interview.................................. 43 F.I.A.T. and Other Car Acronyms.................. 47 Shitty Pizza.................................................... 49 Restaurant Review......................................... 51 There’s No Me in Punk.................................. 53 Albums My Dad Made Me Throw Away....... 55 Book Review.................................................. 57 Abused G, C, and F Chords Go On Strike; Punk Community Left In Shambles........................ 63 Punk vs. Rap.................................................. 65 I Like Raps..................................................... 67 Punk Rock Photos and CBGB’s Awful Memory Hole................................................................ 70 PUNK’D........................................................ 73 Punk Quiz...................................................... 74 12 Famous People ......................................... 77 EavesDroppings............................................. 81 www.savagehenrymagazine.com 5

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Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. Fuck you Savage Henry, you filthy advertisement pimp. One of the poverty issue tips should’ve been to wipe your ass with this magazine. This month stop sitting around reading and listening to albums like a moldy little turd and go to a house show. Mosh in someone’s garage/living room/bathroom, make out with a stranger, burn some bridges, make some friends, get in a fight and eat some questionable items. This month live hard so you know you still can. Or not. Turd. Parrot Fitzle

Ed Note: Parrot is a regular music contributor, but was apparently too punk to compose their assigned album review.

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Look at this Fucking Oogle

Sarah Godlin, staff

I have to admit..I am secretly fascinated by crust punks. The traveling, train hopping, face tattoo kind. It’s akin to being fascinated with hoarders or people who can’t stop eating couch cushions, I suppose. There’s a shameful voyeuristic tone to the fascination. The idea of “Fuck it. Fuck everything. Now is awesome. It’s bleeding? Just rub dirt into it,” is appealing in some weird way. The total lack of foresight, like “how will I support myself when I’m 70” or “What happens when the mold on this burrito makes me sick?” is admirable. It’s a serious dedication. I’m being serious right now. I wouldn’t even eat the burrito. I lack the will. I follow this Tumblr called LATFO. It stands for pic from lookatthisfuckingoogle facebook Look At This Fucking Oogle, because Oogle is a self given name to the under-bridge dwelling, malt liquor drinking, traveling kids who live an unimaginable life that they must really dig to continue. I’m kinda like, No thanks. I love clean shit and my bed and this first-hand burrito. But then again, I’m part of the machine.

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What’s Your Punk Funk?

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Every type of punk has a distinct smell, an odor that defines who they are? I’ve traversed the depths of the punk world using only my nose and some hand sanitizer to finally figure out; what is that smell? From Steampunks to Gutter Punks I’ve smelt the hottest of garbage and that’s just their crusty-ass Dr. Martens. The truest essence of being a punk is “not giving a fuck,” so a shower is most likely out of the question.

Let’s explore some horrible smells. Skate Punk – With whiffs of blunt smoke and a trace of 7-11 Big Bites, skate punks’ overall smell is reminiscent of an old sweaty gym sock. A real Skate Punk should leave an after taste similar to Monster energy drink or Mt. Dew. SteamPunk – These dumbshits smell like the industrial revolution, which can be described as old leather meets coal fire. Powered by steam engines and whiskey, Steampunks often spend so much time building their stupid outfits they forget to shower and deodorant isn’t of the period so it’s not allowed. PsychoBilly – Strong hints of gasoline engulf these

wannabe greasers with pompadours and gas station shirts. The overwhelming stench of hair gel defines these dipshits.

NormCore – A visceral aroma of Applebees with a hint of

your dad’s mustache after a bowl of clam chowder, these normal-clothing-wearing dildos secretly love watching Big Bang Theory and quietly mutter “Bazinga” to themselves. Smelling normal is crucial to these numbnuts so expect some Axe body spray usage.

Pop Punk – Popping their fauxhawks at the neighborhood Hot Topic gives these dildos their distinctive food court odor. A strong mix of Sbarro’s and Starbucks makes these numbnuts almost invisible to the nose; only their annoyingly bright hair dye gives them identity. Skinheads – You know they smell like sadness the most.

Anyone filled with that much hate definitely doesn’t have time to shower, so expect a powerful BO stank with a side note of anal lube; their high level of anger only points to closeted homosexuality.

Gutter Punks - An overwhelming stench of dried urine

and poor butt-wiping protocol gives these stink bandits the highest level of punk funk known to mankind. Steer clear of these garbage dwellers if you plan on eating or enjoying life anytime in the near future.

Use your sense of smell carefully and steer clear of these punk funks in the future. 12

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 13

Is It a Punk or Is It a Skunk?

Cornell Reid, staff

Every human being only wants one thing in life: to be cool. The first step to being cool is to be able to easily identify things in your surroundings. For instance, if you’re walking through the forest with your buddies and a skunk scurries by, you would probably blurt out “Holy shit! Was that Joey Ramone?” then all of your friends would be like “Um, no dude, that’s a skunk.” Then they’ll laugh in your face, give you a FAT wedgie and never speak to you again. Talk about embarrassing! Now the older you get, the easier it becomes to identify different things, for instance I can easily point out an apple or a gun or even spaghetti, those are three items that are easy to tell apart. But I’m not writing this article about spaghetti, every fucking idiot knows what spaghetti is. It’s a pasta that looks like long wobbly toothpicks and it has ketchup on it with white powder, like cocaine or something. So yeah, it’s spaghetti, no duh. However, some things still give me quite a bit of trouble like the aforementioned punks and skunks. Punks and skunks have a lot of similarities and only differ in the slightest of way, so to help us identify which is which let’s take a look at a few examples and try to pick out their differences.

Pepe Le Pew

Pepe Le Pew is always looking for love which isn’t very punk, because romance is not something punks are usually into. Punks are more into puking into their shoe, then putting a firecracker in it and blowing up the barf shoe. On the other hand, I’ve never seen skunks have sex or even jerk off, and I’ve seen A LOT of animals have sex, so maybe this doesn’t really help us identify him as a skunk either. Hmmmm, this is tough...oh wait, I just remembered that Pepe Le Pew smells bad so that makes it easy: he’s punk.

GG Allin

GG Allin would eat his own shit, which I’m pretty sure is how skunks get such a gross spray going on out of their butts. He’s obviously a skunk.

Buttercup from Bambi

Buttercup is the lamest name of all time. If Buttercup wasn’t punk as fuck then all the other animals would have stomped his ass out for having a name like Buttercup. The only way you can have a name like Buttercup and still survive is to be absolutely insane. Buttercup is punk as fuck.

Cats

Pepe Le Pew identifies cats as skunks all the time and since Pepe is punk, that means he’s cool and good at identifying things so obviously cats are skunks.

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil eats his own shit, which is how skunks get such a gross spray going on out of their butts so this one is easy. He’s a skunk. There you go, I hope this helped you see the difference between the two. Next time you’re in the forest with your friends and you see a skunk or punk scurry by quickly think: did it jerk off? did it eat its own shit? did it blow up a barf shoe? If the answer to any of those questions is yes then you have your answer. 14

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(Products) For the Punx

Keith D, contributor

If there's one thing punks hate it's capitalism. Perhaps it's because advertisers don't know how to market to them? Doc Marten has taught us that Punks are consumers too. So at the risk of being labeled a 'sellout' and cast out of the mosh pit, I am pitching marketing campaigns for the forgotten demographic.

Product: 40 Oz. Coozie Commercial Location: City Street Corner

CRUST PUNK: Ever wake up on the wrong side of the gutter, only to find that your 40 ounce is too warm? Now with the 40 oz. Coozie, your malt liquor will stay cool while you stay drunk. It's perfect with my Glue Coozie! (Glue Coozie sold separately).

Product: Oi! Oi! Oi! Health Insurance Location: Squat Basement

WORKING CLASS SKINHEAD: When the pigs beat me up, they left me with 3 broken bones and a fractured jaw. Luckily I had Oi! Oi! Oi!'s police brutality coverage and got fixed up with only a small co-pay. I'm stoked I got Oi! Oi! Oi! on my side. Now with Skateboarder coverage! VOICEOVER: Oi! Oi! Oi! Health Insurance. Because smashing the state is easier with peace of mind.

Product: Punkest of Them All (TV Series) Location: Punk House

Description: A Reality TV show where every week, the least punk punker gets voted out of the punk house. Of course, punks don't vote, so a panel of once-punks including: Henry Rollins, Glen Danzig, and Johnny Rotten, would decide. Who will be the next Darby Crash or GG Allin? Find out in Punkest Of Them All.

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www.savagehenrymagazine.com 17

Reasons Why Your Mohawk is the Worst #5 . It makes you look like a unicorn with a troubled past. No unicorns have clothespins in their ears. Also no unicorns were kicked out of their stepdad’s house for selling oxycontin.

Josh Argyle, contributor

#4 . YOU DON’T HAVE A BADASS JOB! You are the assistant night manager at Bennigan’s. That is the least punk you can get. You are less punk than the moose with sunglasses on the Bennigan’s wall. That moose has made you his bitch! #3 . You take an hour to get ready in the morning. Punk is not a Broadway show! This isn’t CATS, motherfucker! Get out of the damn bathroom! You are a drummer for Christ’s sake; start acting like it! #2 . It’s a fauxhawk. Seriously, what the hell is the matter with you? If you are gonna have hair like an asshole at least be an adult about! #1 . YOUR NAME IS SKYLER! You live in Florida, Skyler! You live in the worst state with the worst name and you have the worst haircut! You are a trifecta of being the worst! Nobody likes you, Skyler! Stop what you’re doing!

Humorous styling of Don Pollo 18

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 19

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Humorous styling of Don Pollo www.savagehenrymagazine.com 21

Famous Punk Rockers Review the Billboard Pop Charts Joe Ramone reviews FourFiveSeconds by Kanye and Rihanna and Paul McCartney

Sounds like that time Dee Dee shit himself onstage in Tokyo and we called him GiGi for the rest of the tour.

Greg Graffin reviews Earned It by The Weeknd

If you listen close you can hear the geo social political implications in verse two, which adds to the belief that the middle class, suburban-based society that came to be in the wake of World War II has finally zenithed and the crumbling of consumerism is upon us.

H.R. reviews Night of Our Lives by Pitbul and Ne-Yo

Jah Jah bless, wut twan Babylon crush down on Zion…BLUP BLUP...Oh I say.

Johnny Rotten reviews One Last Time by Ariana Grande Shite.

Dexter Holland reviews Somebody by Natalie La Rose featuring Jeremih Whoooaaaaa whoaa wo wo wo ….Kepp ‘em seperated!

Jello Biafra reviews Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars

Well I quite enjoyed this raucous trist in the realm of R and B. I heard it’s number 1 in Cambodia! Those Cambodian’s love their funk, especially when it’s in uptown Cambodia. What a pleasure….Cambodia.

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

ANAMAI: Sallows

Mikey Morales, contributor Somewhere on one end of the First World is a teenage goth boy masturbating furiously, wishing he could find his One True Goth Love. Somewhere on the other end of the First World is a teenage goth girl, not completely aware of her sexuality, masturbating to images of Bowie in Labyrinth, and deems herself a demisexual, saving herself for her One True Goth Love. ANAMAI's Sallows would be the soundtrack, nay, the bridge for their mutual longing. With sparse, almost surfy instrumentation, otherworldly yet ethereal sounds, and vocals that recall amamiwhoami's Jonna Lee, Sallows comes across like a bad-dream-turned-good, thanks to lucidity. Standout tracks are "Everyone," "Altar Coals," and "Black Crow."

Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Bouquet: Bouquet

Sam Greenspan, contributor If there was one artist I could resurrect, it would be Vincent van Gogh - for two reasons. The first, so that he could see the power, fame, and impact of his work first hand, and second, so that I could play him Bouquet. I can only assume they would swiftly become his favorite band. The concurrently serene, soaring, and ominously ethereal vocals of Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs serve as the perfect brushstrokes over the canvas of electro and synth agro-pop keyboards and instrumentations Max Foreman creates. It's simple, elegant, and haunting. A true backdrop to the dark tea time of the soul.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page... Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com 24

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Album Reviews, continued from previous page Axis: Sova: Early Surf Sam Greenspan, contributor

What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month?

After listening to this album several times over, I still approach it with the same level of competence I'd approach a test on imaginary numbers. It seems to make sense, logic and mathematics prove that it makes sense, and I, for the life of me, cannot understand it. I also, blissfully, don't feel the need to. Imagine if The Doors never got famous, give them a synthesizer, and punch them all in the temple, and you get this uncategorizable hell beast of a love child. It occasionally falls prey to repetition, but that doesn't negate the piece being absolutely worth one or three listens.

See’s Candies Bordeaux Easter Eggs They are to die for. Right, Jesus? -SG

When one has landed on exactly what they think this rock album is about, all of a sudden - you're incorrect. Defying classification is alright. I happen to respect that.

A Place to Bury Strangers: Transfixiation Josh Duke, staff

Here's the thing about most noise rock bands; they're usually not very good. They tend to be overindulgent, staticridden ejaculations of distortion and reverb that more often than not fail to distinguish themselves from their other mediocre peers. APTBS has long been soldiering the noise rock cause, and the weariness of their efforts has shown through in Transfixiation, as the songs in it are not ones to be enjoyed and/or danced to. Songs such as "Fill the Void" are little more than a sad plea to be included in the soundtrack of a David Fincher film. "We've Come So Far" still has the obligatory crackle of static opening the number, but it does manage to give a listenable hook for us to grab onto, despite the vocal sounding like they were recorded in a high school gymnasium. Transfixiation is a gallant attempt at doing something relevant in a time where the weight music carries is often manufactured and overhyped.

Rating: 4 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Rating: 8 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Continued next page...

So, the GG Allin Pinterest board is a thing. @bloglin

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Album Reviews, continued from previous page Eternal Tapestry: Wild Strawberries Adam Jacobs, contributor

“A lucid dream where a drone ingests strong hallucinogens and slowly takes Wall-E to Pleasure Town by eating out his robot butthole.” This is how I would describe Eternal Tapestry’s new album, Wild Strawberries. Their name alone couldn’t be more obvious for a jam band unless they were called Patchouli Partners or the Hacky Sack Gang. Let’s be honest, when you hear the name Eternal Tapestry, hack comes to mind; it’s like a comedian who calls himself “Dave Jokes.” These granola groovers could be the perfect soundtrack for a road trip in the yellow submarine, but I cannot recommend this album to anyone sober; it will ruin your day. This album is guaranteed to go Triple Patchouli or at the least Double DMT. Another bong breaker from Eternal Tapestry.

Rating: 5 out of 12 cans of PBR!

die geister beschwören: The Great Defenestration Leah Brzezinski, contributor

Die beister beschwören translates to “call up the ghosts.” And I have to admit; I had to look up the exact meaning of defenestration, which is: “the act of throwing a thing (or especially a person) out of a window.” This Portland experimental folk ensemble certainly does both in this intricate 17-minute sonic spree recently released on SQRT Records. Laden with field recordings, aching string and bass clarinet orchestrations and loops, haunting drums, and vocals, it paints a lush, if not eerie, mental picture. It’s artfully-layered and quite well-paced. Let me put it this way: I started out doing stretches and meditation to it, but 4 minutes in I found myself pacing the floors thinking, “this would be an amazing soundtrack if I ever have a rapid descent into terrifying madness and an eventual reawakening to my highest self!” Both menacing and beautiful, The Great Defenestration is one intriguing fall from a window.

Rating: 10 out of 12 cans of PBR!

♫♬♪♭♩♪♮

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’s 10 Volume LX: Be n Lesser-Known GG Allin Collaborations Ben Allen, music editor

Known more for his outrageous stage antics including physical assaults, defecating and sexual behavior with his audience, GG Allin gained a level of notoriety. His musical output was punk in nature, but was overshadowed by his shocking live performance tactics.

Collaboration with Whitney Houston: “I Will Always Piss on You”

In the last year of his life, GG met and fell in love with a woman named Liz Mankowski. Liz was sexually submissive and begged GG to piss on her. Allin was so love-struck that he recorded this timeless ballad expressing his commitment to everlasting golden showers. Houston was willing to work with Allin after hearing his “romantic” story.

When he wasn’t anally probing fans with hot dogs or being urinated on, GG somehow managed to record with genuine pop stars, adding his own unique perspective to their hits. Duet with Michael Jackson: “Eat Shit”

Jackson’s “Beat It” is one of the most recognizable pop tracks of all time. While not technically a duet, Allin claimed to have worked with Jackson by recording the percussive elements of the song by beating his corpse with a cricket bat while screaming “eat shit” repeatedly. Duet with Cher: “I’ve Got You (To Piss On) Babe”

After an evening spent at a Hollywood club drinking cocktails and taking Quaaludes, Cher and GG stumbled into a studio as the sun was rising. Cher was so intoxicated that she outed herself as a urophiliac and proceeded to piss on GG’s chest. They immediately took to the mic and recorded a barelylistenable interpretation of one of Cher’s biggest hits. Collaboration with the Baha Men: “Who Fucked the Dogs Loud”

In 2000, GG heard the Baha Men’s hit single “Who Let the Dogs Out” on the radio and immediately contacted their managers. Convinced he could make the song more appealing by being lyricall “edgy,” the recording was never properly released. Duet with Frank Sinatra: “I’ve Got You Under My Foreskin”

Duet with Bob Dylan: “Blowing (My Brother) in the Wind”

Allin’s brother Merle played bass in GG’s most well known band, the Murder Junkies. Among other acts of indecency, Allin was known to fellate his brother while performing. Hearing Dylan’s classic tune one day, Allin became overwhelmed with emotion. Inspired, he recorded this ode to his sibling with just acoustic guitar accompaniment. Duet with Iggy Pop: “I Wanna Felch Your Dog”

No stranger to scandalous performances and shock tactics, Iggy Pop was elated at the prospect of collaborating with a fellow wild man. His song “I Wanna Be Your Dog” became the inspiration for GG’s revolting lyrics. Iggy’s vocal accompaniment consisted solely of barking and yelping sounds. Collaboration with Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty: “Stop Draggin’ My Cock and Drown”

In the late 80’s Sinatra was at the lowest point of his career. In attempt to appeal to a younger generation, Sinatra had Allin perform his classic “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” at numerous live shows. While singing his revised lyrics, Allin was known to shove the microphone under his ballsack.

“Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around” was the lead single off Nicks’ debut solo album. Surprisingly, she agreed on an updated rendition of the song and recorded the duet with GG in 1992. She stated the collaboration was “a testament to her firm belief in the first amendment.” Tom Petty refused to partake in the session.

Collaboration with Nirvana: “Smells Like Teen Shit Smeared on My Naked Body”

Collaboration with Tag Team: “POOP! (There It Is)

After the success of Weird Al’s “Smells Like Nirvana” parody, they were approached by many hoping to mimic the track and cash in on its popularity. As huge fans of GG Allin, Nirvana immediately agreed to let him record his version with altered lyrics. 30

*Thank you to Dutch Savage and Chris Durant for their contributions to this article.

GG thought his foul lyrics and “dangerous” approach to rock music might finally cross over if he used a club beat. His parody of Tag Team’s single “Whoomp! (There It Is)” detailed his love of feces, but failed to crossover into the mainstream. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 31

Chaos U.K is Gonna Be O.K.

William Toblerone, contributor

Back long ago, and I mean way back when gasoline still had to be refrigerated, I went through my punk phase to defy all of the fascist, nurturing, supportive adults that were oppressing me with unconditional love. One of the frequent flyers on my tape deck was Chaos U.K., a raw band that summed up my angst toward my lack of Air Jordans and the piggy pigs that wouldn’t let us “adolescents” drive. So when I got an opportunity to interview former frontman Simon Greenham at his home in Des Moines, I literally trickled thick stinkjuice. Here are some excerpts from our two-part interview. WT: Simon, it’s an honor to sit with you. SG: Run that by me again mate, I’ve got a crucifixdagger piercing that slices right through my auditory nerve (points to ankle). WT: I said it’s an honor to sit with you. SG: Well I’ve got a boner to shit on you as well, you dodgy pud. WT: How did you arrive at the title of your new release “Should’ve Been Born a Ragweed?” SG: Well Totalbone, I got to thinking. When ragweed spews its pollen all out into the wind it’s considered a tolerable nuisance, right? But when I’m doing one of my Solo Acoustic Chaos shows at the local cafe, and I blast MY reproductive seeds all over the patrons during the encore, it’s considered a major bloody offense by the police! Why don’t I have the same rights as a fucking ragweed? Why? WT: And why have your recent lyrics been so critical of the American car industry? SG: I mean, it’s like what are these wankers making

American head gaskets out of? The fucking crown jewels? How can I fucking gig without my Taurus? WT: Could you comment on your current legal battle? SG: Oh this shite again. I told those fascists on the school board that the common core curriculum is rubbish, but the only language they seem to understand is a healthy serving of arson. Give my boy a fair chance next time you bastards. WT: But how do you justify…… (At this point Simon starts sobbing uncontrollably and then insists that I say he’s pretty. I exit uncomfortably and the interview resumes four months later.) WT: Hey! Simon! Didn’t expect to see you here! Good to see you again. I just need to deposit this check. SG: Right away. And would you be interested in hearing about one of our money-saving low interest mortgages? WT: Are the rates really that low? SG: (whispering) Lower that any of those other fucking fascists in town, I’ll guarantee you that one.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 33

PUNK UPDATE!

Our reporters have scoured the world's underground resources to bring you this in-depth look at what your favorite legends of punk rock have been pissed off at lately!

Dutch Savage, staff

Dead Kennedys – After firing their 28th singer, both the Dead

Kennedys band and original member Jello Biafra have finally decided to set aside differences and bring back their former singer for the highly anticipated “Forget Everything We Said About Capitalism” tour. Jello says he will continue to join the band B-52's on stage when Fred Schneider deals with court dates in his case against his former band mates Dead Kennedys. Mr. Schneider was their 28th singer and was fired by his former band for improperly distributing T-shirt sales and impersonating the singing style of Jello Biafra, whom the band despises.

Circle Jerks – The Keith Morris-less band Circle Jerks made an Auto Black-Out Greenhouse Light Deprivation Systems Prices starting at around $5,000

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announcement earlier this week that the lead singer position, after a lengthy process of elimination, has been given to long time fan and El Vez @ Jambalaya by Dutch Savage famous actor Jaleel White. The band has changed their name to the Urkel Jerks and will release a new 7” single next week on Medical records called Did I Do That b/w Family Doesn’t Matter Anymore.

The Germs - Longtime former singer for the Circle Jerks and first singer of Black Flag Keith Morris has joined the

remaining members of the Germs and are performing in small basements across the neighborhood under the name Circle Germs. Due to more important things Germs guitarist Pat Smear has been replaced in the band by Dave Grohl. Black Flag – Founding guitarist and only remaining core member Greg Ginn has sued everyone he’s ever worked with, so he’s currently putting the finishing touches on the all new album from Black Flag, tentatively titled Ginnstrumentals. The album will of course feature the control freak Ginn on guitar, occasional Black Flag bassist and Greg Ginn alter-ego Dale Nixon, drums will be attempted by new drummer Greg Ginn, and on vocals will be the returning nobody.

The Misfits – All members have been rehearsing for their new album, entitled Jem is a Bitch. Leadsinger Pizzazz has gone on record and stated that “No one in their right mind would pay good money to see a Hologram on stage at a concert!” Bassist Roxy and drummer Stormer also hate Jem’s guts and are happy to be back in the studio. Jem-hating saxophonist Sheila “Jetta” Burns is known for having a “Careless Whisper” even better than Sergio Flores and says she’s ready to become a “Bigger youtube star than Jem, the Holograms, or any of her bitchy Misfit bandmates.” The Misfits’ manager and total sleazeball creep Eric Raymond says to look for them on an extensive tour this summer opening for Jem and the Holograms.

The Stooges – After Iggy abruptly announced his retirement from music last month to concentrate on marketing his own patented soft drink, Iggy Pop™, Moe, Larry, and Curly made amends with their brother Shemp and embarked on a weeklong tour of inner Detroit. Green Day – Green Day isn’t punk. Who cares. Turn on TMZ. Sex Pistols - Punk legends Sex Pistols are happy to re-release their seminal 1977 masterpiece 'Never Mind the

Bollocks' next week, this reissue being it's 38th and Super Extra Anniversary Double Probation Ultimate Warrior I'm Not An Animal edition which will feature no bonus tracks, one new unpublished photo of the band pointing their fingers at you and laughing, and a bonus DVD of classic grainy YouTube videos which you've already seen 1,000 times handpicked by the band... 's manager. When asked about the re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-rere-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-release of the album, Sex Pistols singer and main attitude John "Rotten" Lydon told our reporter; "Who cares?" 34

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 35

keep your ladies warm on cold nights

10 Buzzfeed Listicles and Quizzes that Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity For a Little While 1. 37 Times HBO was so Good you Didn’t Have to Think of Anything Interesting to Talk to Your Girlfriend About for a Week.

Josh Duke, staff

2. 10 Photoshopped Images of Jenny Lewis Beating up Zooey Deschanel That Will Restore Your Faith in Indie Rock. 3. Which Buzzfeed Quiz Are You? 4. 23 Things Only Extroverts Know While Shopping For Shoes at the Payless in the Galleria on Fairfax. 5. Can You Identify an Everybody Loves Raymond Character Based on What Flannel They’re Wearing? 6. What Kind of Tramp Stamp Are You? 7. This Hidden Gem Tucked Away in The Secret of Nimh Will Restore Your Faith in Rats. 8. Which Intervention Episode Are You? 9. 1,367 Times Guy Fieri Has Disappointed All of Us. 10. Who Said it?: Nick Nolte or Gary Busey?

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Whatever Happened to Lesser Known 90s Pop Punk Bands? Timothy Paul, contributor

Lesser Known 90s Pop Punk

Nap Mat - The three members of Nap Mat failed to find

success after their debut album Daydream Machine failed to impress. The members quit music and now operate an organic citrus grove called the Tangerine Machine.

Grief Parachute - Comprised of the incoherent middle

school poetry of 13-year-old Hooper Crow, Grief Parachute’s debut album Feline Dry Hump attracted only minor attention. Turning 14, Hooper Crow abandoned dreams of pop punk success and got really into Magic Eye art collecting.

Emotional Cactus - The world was not ready for the anguish fueled punk of Emotional Cactus, and lead singer Charm E. Denton had multiple visits to rehab to kick his addiction to both absinthe and clove cigarettes. Holding Caulfield - The members found immediate success but spent the majority of their money in lawsuits

with J.D. Salinger. The band eventually won their case but by then their audience had moved on. On the show Bands Revisited, Holding Caulfield stated they no longer liked Catcher in the Rye, preferring Atlas Shrugged.

Under the Bleachers and Watching - The band was spoiled after developing a devoted following in their

hometown of Squash, Georgia. The band moved to L.A. expecting the same reception, but lasted a year before returning home. When asked what happened, band members stated that L.A. just wasn’t ready for a punk band that had a jug player.

Playing While My Parents Argue or PWMPA as they were known by fans had a quick rise to stardom that

ended abruptly when the band began doing commercials for a body spray called Night Whisper that was recalled after blinding a couple of dogs.

Naked From the Head Up? - Had a fairly successful debut, but the band quickly disbanded owing to the increasingly erratic behavior of lead singer Tanner Bustle who grew obsessive about having a type of ice cream named after the band. Unlatched Diary - Short lived pop punk outfit comprised of the

three sons on Home Improvement. Though successful, the band broke up after internal complaints that J.T.T. was “crushing all the ass.”

Tear Hydrant - Known more for their elaborate stage shows than their talent, Tear Hydrant’s presentation grew more and more excessive culminating in a bankrupting world tour that included an on stage wave pool and a backstage rider demanding cocaine cut with rhino horn and a full scale replica of a Sizzler buffet. Kwanzaa not Christmas - When their debut was ignored, Kwanzaa not Christmas claimed that the pop punk market was saturated, and they reinvented themselves as the hugely successful Christian rock band Christmas Not Kwanzaa. 38

Dunk Rock

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 39

Tips from the Punk Ass Punk

OJ Patterson, contributor

Dear PAP, I'm 13. I love punk music, BUT, I have brittle bone disease. What's a punker like me to do? Sincerely, Sam Jackson from Unbreakable Dear Sam, Eff yeah, man! It's super punk to rage against the machine that's literally keeping you alive. Here's some suggestions to live and love punk in your condition: • Stick to your "soft punks" like power pop and ska. Avoid anything above "screamo.” • Use your plaster cast as an opportunity to get an underage sleeve tattoo. • Live streaming music festivals are fun and they're 100% slamdance free. • Misfits-themed hospital gowns. • Air guitars will hurt your shoulder a LOT less than a real guitar. • Spray paint your foam/plastic spikes metallic. • If you're scared, go to church: Christian punk congregations have popped up all over West Sacramento! • Moshing? Try noshing! Nothing more punk than making poop! • Tony Hawk Pro Skater: better than the real thing! • And, in the unlikely event you fear getting curbstomped on the spider jewelry case by the sadist staff at Spencer's or Hot Topic: shop online.

Catty Mean Girl

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 41

The Road, The Mics and the Music The Savage Henry JT Habersaat Interview

Isaac Kozell, contributor

Austin-based comic JT Habersaat’s resumé is a black denim umbrella underneath which resides a career in stand-up comedy, co-running an independent punk rock record label, podcasting with people like Danzig and Doug Stanhope, and … wait for it … an appearance in Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4. I caught up with Habersaat while he was on the road with the Altercation Punk Comedy Tour to talk about the relationship between music and comedy, his connection to Doug Stanhope and how to have fun on the road without being a dick. Isaac Kozell: You spend a lot of your time on the road. Percentage-wise, how much of the year are you touring? JT Habersaat: Yeah, that's true. 2014 was my heaviest road year ever. I was pretty much on tour from late September to January 1st. I took January off until the last week and have been on tour nationally since then. I think I've had 5 days off. It's a lot of shows. I've got some possible TV etc. projects looming for this year, but on average 70% of my year is touring. IK: You started the Altercation Punk Comedy Tour in 2008. How did that come about?

JTH: I had moved to Austin from New York a little prior and had been on a long break from comedy. I decided I wanted to pursue it for real with some other comics I admired, kind of applying the DIY punk band approach to comedy touring. Alternative venues, all ages shows, sometimes performing with bands. The brand seemed to strike a chord with people and here I am 7 years later. IK: What caused the break from comedy?

JTH: I was working in radio and running a punk magazine (Altercation) with my wife, while also promoting punk shows and playing in two bands. Time was just spread too thin to really give comedy the attention I felt it should deserve. These days, comedy is my main focus, while also co-running Altercation Records with my business partner Travis Myers. They definitely keep me busy. IK: What brought you to Austin?

JTH: I had visited Austin for SXSW a few times and really loved the city. My wife got a great job offer to be an Art Director there, so we just put our house up for sale and were in Austin three weeks later. I still love New York, but hate the snow, insane taxes, and tolls. It was the best move I've made. It's a known city with a great scene, but still feels like a “big small town” to me. IK: Toxic Avenger! How did that come about? 42

JTH: Haha, that was a blast. A buddy of mine was working crew on Citizen Toxie and got me hired. I got to sit in a makeup chair next to Ron Jeremy for two hours as he told stories and hit on Troma gals … hilarious and the dude can really act! It remains a great thing to have on my resumé. IK: How did you get on Doug Stanhope's radar?

JTH: I had a comedy column in Amp Magazine and we did a drunken e-mail interview. He mentioned he was looking for a new venue in Austin, so I ended up booking and doing support on his next show. We hit it off right away and he has been super supportive of my career. His Celebrity Deathpool website sponsors my tours these days and Doug has more or less been my Yoda for navigating a lot of the comedy world. He is zero-bullshit and a super generous guy, in addition to being a comedic genius. Continued next page...

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 43

... continued from previous page

IK: What bands excite you these days?

IK: Yeah. He's great. I was lucky enough to interview him for this magazine. It's one of my favorite interviews. What's one of the best things you've learned from him? JTH: So many things. Some writing tips, in terms of how to push an audience while still being funny. To know your worth and not get screwed in a show biz industry. Most importantly, how to deflect and weed out people that are trying to either grab on to you or talk shit and bring you down … how to thwart psychic vampires that waste your energy.

IK: You must really trust the comics you tour with. How many team members does the Altercation Tour have?

JTH: I've never had the same Altercation lineup more than once, which is very intentional. I always want it to be fluid and fresh. I'm super particular about who I work with in the tour, because it is an established brand by this point. That being said, I also always let promoters add a few locals to each show, regardless of how seasoned they are. I like seeing the different comics in different scenes. These days I really try to keep “the tour” to myself and two others. Jay Whitecotton and Joe Staats are my go-to guys much of the time. Stanhope also paired me up for co-headlining runs with brilliant performers like Mishka Shubaly and Junior Stopka, and those were

JTH: It's interesting, because while I run a label that is very punk-centric, I listen to a huge spectrum of music. But in terms of punk rock … The Sharp Lads out of NYC and The Svetlanas from the USSR are two of our most exciting new Altercation signings. Off With Their Heads, The Dwarves, Lucero … there are a ton of bands that I love. When I'm home though I usually listen to The National and Nick Cave more than anything. great tours. I've been in bands before and never want to be chained to a specific member for anything I do.

IK: Let's talk about the connection between music and comedy. You mentioned touring with Mishka Shubaly, you've also performed on the Vans Warped Tour and shared the stage with Henry Rollins. What is it about your stand-up that meshes so well with musical acts?

JTH: I think the fact that I come from that world. I was a New York hardcore kid, going to shows at CBGB and Coney Island High every weekend. I speak the language and relate to the culture of punk and indie rock, often more so than with my relation to comedians. I try not to be too referential with my material since I never want to turn into the Cool Kids Only Club with my

comedy. But my fan base certainly seems to be rooted in a shared affinity for underground culture, be it music or comedy. Plus, I like to blur those worlds. I've dragged band people like Mike Wiebe from Riverboat Gamblers, Dave Rodriguez from Krum Bums and Billy Milano from SOD on stage to try comedy, because I knew they were natural fits. Ryan from Off With Their Heads is the next one in my sights to push in front of a mic.

IK: As an artist and label owner, what career advice would you give other artists? JTH: Say yes to opportunities when they are offered and figure out the logistics later. Take risks. In order to make things happen as a comic or band, you MUST tour. Some people get quick TV breaks and things like that, but those are rare and almost every career jump I've made has been through doing the work on the road. Don't be a dick. Talk to local performers and don't hide backstage all night. Have merch that looks good. Party hard but do your fucking job on stage and don't expect others to babysit your drunk ass. And most importantly, give the same level of performance whether there are 9 or 900 people in the crowd.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 45

F.I.A.T. and Other Car Acronyms

Zack Newkirk, staff

Fiat stands for "Fix It Again, Tony!" Hahahaha! If you have ever owned a Fiat, or know someone who has, or know what a Fiat is, or like cars, then that one was for you! But there are more funny, well-known acronyms about how often particular car brands break down. Here's the list:

FORD: Falsifying Orders for disReputable Dealers TOYOTA: Totally Oh no Yikes my Only car broke This is

Awful

SUBARU: Solvents Under Bushings Always Ruin Undercarriage

MAZDA: My Angry Zebra-lookin' Darn car broke down

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Shitty Pizza Punk Rockers over Metal Heads aIn 2011 I was running go carts in a family fun center in a pit of hell called Las Vegas, Nevada. During the course this short-lived career, a man in various death metal cutoff T-Shirts would come in and buy our shitty pizza. This boggled my mind, but that didn't stop me from pointing at his G.G Allin tattoo one day and mentioning how I liked punk rock. This was a huge mistake.

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Evan Vest, contributor

He immediately wanted me to join his band. I told him I kinda knew how a bass guitar worked and that somehow made him think I was ready. He set a date and told me he would pick me up for his first practice. I stood outside my apartment not knowing quite what to expect, but keeping a positive attitude. "How bad could it be?"

He pulled up in a shitty Subaru. I got in and we sped off into the night, with noted rape rock band The Mentors blaring on his stereo. "My mom doesn't know I have her car so we'll have to be quiet when we get there. She's a real bitch". The odds of not getting murdered are starting to dwindle. We pull up to his apartment and sneak into his room. He had original artwork on his wall, which as good and detailed as it was, would make any god fearing man shit his pants. Paintings of reptile-hybrid women being tortured in hell while naked, the kind of stuff that would get kids in the schools counselor office really fucking quick. He hands me a bass and lets me improvise. He likes what he hears which makes me happy, considering I basically lied about having any musical talent whatsoever. He breaks out the bong and loads some herb called "Blue Dream". Here's where I realized I wasn't quite in the right scene. After taking a hit of some moderately good weed, I regretted it immediately. Turns out being buzzed is not a good combo when mixed of images of hellfire and demons. I struggle to appreciate the vibe when the complete deal breaker rears its ugly head. His gross, frail, bony mom walks in just a T-Shirt and under panties to yell about the door being opened, while he returned with a stream of profanities on his own.

His gross, frail, bony mom walks in just a T-Shirt and under panties to yell about...

Demon Artwork on the walls? Check. High on drugs? Check Creepy metalhead who looks like a school shooter arguing with his half naked mom? Check. Yep, time to get the hell out of here.

I make some excuse to go home, He lets me borrow his bass guitar but asks if I want him to perform a protection spell on me and the bass itself. Actually, I'm good bro, save it for someone else. Days later I would return the bass, fearing I would one day wake up with black, inky tears dripping from my eye sockets.

The whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth and I’ve always been more reluctant to hang with the metal crowd. Sure, punkers can get violently drunk and may break your windshield but at the same token the majority of them aren't trying to summon Beelzebub to write great riffs. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

Restaur ant Review Stolen Pizza from Arcata Pizza & Deli

Sarah Godlin, staff

I feel like punks eat a lot of Pizza. Maybe fries? Whatever is left on the counter at the punk squat? The punkest lunch I could think of was a slice of pizza stolen from a 9 year old. Only one bite missing. It’s punkrock to steal from kids and it’s punkrock to ignore the running of this kids nose that would have stopped a regular person from wanting to get sick with whatever disease this gross pizza kid had. I believe the pizza was from Arcata Pizza and Deli, one of my favorite pizza joints, but it was a half size piece because it was cut for a kid. This is why people rarely steal from kids. They usually have crap and the good stuff they have is miniature and that’s bullshit. The upside is when they punch you it doesn’t hurt and when you run they can’t efficiently chase you. Another thing about kids is no one believes them because they are little liars. “Mom, Miss Godlin stole my pizza” sounds like a super big lie. At most a misunderstanding. Cha-Ching. Rating: 16 out of 16 crying children

Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. Picture = extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 ~ editor@savagehenrymagazine.com

Hold on hon. You don’t have a little hole in your blouse here. 50

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 51

There’s No Me in Punk I have the opposite of low self-esteem, I have a delusional amount of high self-esteem. I think of myself as funnier, prettier, smarter and more amazing than I really am and I’m constantly in a race with others; however, I’m the only one who knows we’re competing. When someone asks me something that I don’t know, I don’t say: I don’t know. I talk in circles and throw out words like, feminism, abortion*1, and white privilege because no one will touch those with a 10-foot pole; However, cannot fake this. I have to concede and just say that I don’t know anything about punk. But, I’m not one to give up just because I’m completely uninformed, I decide to become informed. Those to know, do. Those who don’t, interview.

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Hutch Harris Photo by Jaclyn Jean

I was thinking about punk and who I could talk to in my comedian-circle and I remembered one of the guys is in a band…is he punk? I can’t remember, I remember having the conversation but I was thinking about my hair, or makeup, or me. Also, I’m a terrible listener. I pull him up his social media pages. THAT FUCKER IS VERIFIED on Twitter with over 12,000 followers! FUCK! (throws phone, flips table over, and kicks baby *2) Hutch Harris of The Thermals is a comedian and apparently he’s not only a talented comedian, but a talented musician as well. I reach out to him, humbled, realizing that I’ve been beaten in my “funnier, prettier, smarter” race. I only email him only one question: What is punk? Hutch’s response: punk is wearing nose rings, leather jackets, green hair and tattoos. punk is not wearing nose rings, leather jackets, green hair and tattoos. punk is drinking a flat forty ounce in a filthy alleyway.

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punk is screen printing band T-shirts in your parent’s basement. punk is art. punk is entertainment. punk is a lifestyle. punk is a word to cherish, a word to hold close to your heart and live your life by, or a word to throw in the trash. definitions are death! except for my definitions, my definitions are awesome. cuz I'm punk and I don't care what you think. — and thank you, Hutch Harris, t’was a pleasure. You can find Hutch Harris on Facebook and/or follow him on Twitter @Tiffanygreysen — OKAY, that’s really my Twitter, but he already has plenty of followers. *1 Abortion, doesn’t have as much power as it once had, but still can get you out of trouble. *2 I don’t have a baby— But if I say dog everyone will flip-out about animal cruelty.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 53

5 Punk Albums My Dad Made Me Throw Away

(and His Reasons for Doing So)

Isaac Kozell, staff

Like most teenagers, I went through a punk phase. This was much to the dismay of my father, who raised me on 1950's sock hop tunes and whose idea of punk rock was Lenny Kravitz's “Are You Gonna Go My Way.” One evening, after returning from a church assembly where we congregants were warned about the dangers of Satanic rock and roll music, my dad asked to go through my CD collection. I nervously handed over a stack of albums. He went through them one by one, analyzing cover art, song titles and liner lyrics in an attempt to seek out and destroy any demonic influence that might be coursing through my speaker wires. Here are six albums that set off his Devil Meter, along with his reasons for throwing them in the trash. Descendents – Everything Sucks “This is the problem with you kids these days: you think everything sucks. Everything doesn't suck. You know what does suck? Your attitude.” Green Day – Dookie “I read that these guys got their name because they used to skip school to do marijuana. 'Green Day' is code for sneaking around and smoking pot. Are you smoking pot?” Suicide Machines – Destruction By Definition “Why couldn't they have called themselves something different, like 'Life Machines?'” The Offspring – Smash “I would like to share with you some lyrics from the song 'Bad Habit.' Let's see … oh, here we go, 'Something's odd / I feel like I'm God / You stupid, dumb s-h-i-t, god-d-a-m-n, mother-f-u-c-k-e-r.' Son, there is only one God and he would not approve of this language. Bad Religion – Suffer “Our religion is good. We have no room for bad religion in this house.” The Dead Kennedys – Frankenchrist “Frankenchrist? Frankenchrist?!”

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 55

Build to edge of the document Margins are just a safe area

Come see our wide selection of amendments

Book Review

Katja from the Punk Band Simon Logan, ChiZine Publications

Sarah Godlin, staff

If I have to get through a book I have no interest in I’m going to make someone else read it to me. Listen up all you long haul truckers and summer weed waterers; Audible.com is the fucking shit. For 12 bucks a month you can download a 48 hour book, any book, read by someone who knows what they are doing. Before you know it, You’ve watered the whole garden. You can also download this shitville 8 hour book that could only keep the interest of maybe 3 people I’ve ever met.

It’s set on a dystopian work island that just seems like any city ever. A punk girl steals a vial of drugs and gets chased. A druggie also wants the vial. Bad guys want the vial. Everyone wants the stupid vial and it switches hands a few times. Some people get shot.

There is a suspension scene where the bad guy hangs from the ceiling by piercings in his back, though it was while conducting a business meeting and seemed a little gratuitous.

Everyone has a Russian name but the book was read by an Australian woman with a grating nasally voice. I almost crashed the car to get away from it twice. I’m going to give this book a big ole “Meh” and rethink visiting Australia.

I give this book 4 guys in mohawk wigs. However you feel about them is about what I thought of this book.

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| S L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I |TH

||PUNK|ROCK|MOVIES||michel|sargent|| Jubilee (1978) is an avant-garde punk rock dystopian nightmare. In a good way. Queen Elizabeth I demands her alchemist show her 400 years into a future world of roaming punk gangs (The Slits!), gunfire, creepy sex games, Adam Ant, violent cops and a crazy-eyed madman producer who proclaims "As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart."

Dennis Hopper's Out Of The Blue (1980) follows a small town teenage tough girl with an embroidered Elvis jean jacket, "Gorgeous" CB handle who signs off with "Disco sucks, kill all hippies," and whose hero is Johnny Rotten. After watching her mom shoot heroin she hitchhikes to the big city equipped with a street-walking karaoke Elvis and a rad punk club. Sadly she's sent home to face impending explosives.

A young singer struggles to make it big with her band Breaking Glass (1980) in the British man-punk scene full of eccentric weirdoes, nazi skinheads, overbearing cops, and poorly-attempted radio censorship in a musical tragicomic rise and fall of punk rock front woman to anarchist Tron-styled new wave superstar.

A pair of insane axe-wielding motorcycle nihilists team up with a mutant gang in the low-budget dystopian Japanese punk rock musical Burst City (1982). Punk bands battle in ongoing nightly concerts followed by yelling, car races, and sadomasochistic police thugs with nuclear riot canons. At one point a band blows up from playing so hard. And the nihilist mutant bike gang again! This movie is fucking nuts! Continued next page...

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains (1982) is a rad preriot grrrl film about Corinne "Third Degree" Burns, who believes “every citizen should be given a guitar on her 14th birthday.” She starts a punk band and makes trouble by confusing men with openly sexual nonsexuality after getting on a tour with aging KISS-styled band "The Metal Corpses" and punk band "The Looters" featuring Steve Jones and Paul Cook from The Sex Pistols and Paul Simonon from The Clash. Yes!

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... continued from previous page

Punk rock Jesus "Emanou" and his followers live in a Car Cemetery (1983) on the edge of a hydrogen bomb crater in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Cops drive police tractors hunting the anarchic-punk-society-creating false Messiah who hands out McDonald's burgers from a hat with forever espresso shots, cures a blind man and is even tempted with punk rock glory by a futuristiclooking Satan. After the cops burn their Gene Vincent 45s the kids rebel with Emanou because "God helps us and makes shit grow." Betrayal ensues…

Three girls become Desperate Teenage Lovedolls (1984) on the streets of L.A. in David Markey's trashy no-budget super-8 punk film. Superstardom is easier with heroin though it's followed by girl band turf battles, rape by the CEO of Capitol Records, pillaging, murder and mayhem. Kudos to the hilarious acting, goofy sound effects and killer soundtrack.

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Abused G, C, and F Chords Go On Strike; Punk Community Left In Shambles

Sam Greenspan, contributor

Akin to the weakened knees of Atlas holding our mother Earth aloft on his crippled legs: the G, C, and F chords have finally had enough. Striking and picketing outside a Berkeley punk show at a students house, the aforementioned chords have refused to be played after decades of abuse and little to no compensation or even recognition. With musicians forced to deal with the grim reality of their utter lack of even child level technical precision in conjunction with attendees outraged that the nearest market vends only decent microbrews without a PBR in sight, chaos has descended on a community that was already constructed on a foundation as strong as tissue paper and low-grade heroin. The G chord, backbone and lead influence for his long tormented brothers and sisters, as acting spokeschord, had this to say to the angry mob. "For god’s sake, take some simple music theory lessons! Read a fucking book that doesn't already validate your beliefs! You probably think Tom Paine was a fucking video game character! Can you even fathom how many different styles you're ignoring so that you can lead the quest you think you're on to get your message out that already failed years ago!? Look to the Dadaists! Read your history! Inaction is not, I repeat, NOT a movement! I mean just look at the syntax of the words, you dolts! Do you know who gets drunk all the time and believes that the thoughts they have in their head are Gods gift to the world!? BUMS. BUMS, MY FRIENDS. YOU ARE ALL BUMS. There is no amount of eye rolling and abusing my beautiful wife, the C chord, that will bring you closer to the utopia that none of you can agree on in the first place! For Christ sake, BAR a chord every once in a while. Fuckin' shit even a hammer on, or, GOD FORBID a pick pattern wouldn't kill you either! And another thing, I'm well aware that you all expect some kind of chant at a picket, aren't you? Well that general melody will never fall on your ears again until you learn what the fuck a minor chord is without acting like you think you're fuckin' Brahms, or Mozart. You really think you're Claude fucking Debussy don't you!! Do you know what happened with Debussy!? He wrote music so beautiful that when he left his wife, she shot herself in the HEART in front of him in the streets of Paris because she couldn't stand the pain. THAT'S PUNK, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. WRITE MUSIC SO BEAUTIFUL SOMEONE KILLS THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BEAR NOT BEING NEAR IT ANYMORE. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE FUCKING DARE YOU."

Al Sharpton, former civil rights activist now turned sunken-eyed camera slut, added, "Yeah! I mean, really!" www.savagehenrymagazine.com 63

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Punk vs. Rap

A Comprehensive Guide

Musical subcultures are becoming harder and harder to distinguish. With Wiz Khalifa dressing like a member of Operation Ivy while the guy from Blink 182 plays with Lil Wayne, it’s becoming tougher each day to say things like, “Oh, he’s black, he must be a rapper,” or “Oh, he’s white, he must work at a record store and have an extensive mental catalog of Minor Threat side-projects.” Therefore, I’ve put together this comprehensive and accurate chart to help you determine whether or not you are listening to music that appeals mostly to white suburban youth, or music that appeals exclusively to white suburban youth:

Punk Rock Produced by middle class youth using cheap equipment to emulate the working class struggle. 22oz PBR. Little buttons. Satchel bags with patches. Worships/hates Jello Biafra. Sweat.

Calling all comedians. Soo you think your funny. Send us your stuff and see if we print it. We reseserve the right to edit. 400 words. Pictures are a plus. editor@savagehenrymagazine.com

Will never “sell out,” yet has spawned mall stores like Hot Topic. Is quick to clarify the difference between non-racist Jamaican skinheads and racist Nazi skinheads. Begrudgingly owes early Beastie Boys for helping to propel mainstream hatred of the genre. Spawned crossover supergroups like Transplants, Hellcat and Off! Respects Travis Barker for some weird reason.

Hip-Hop/Rap Produced by working class youth using expensive equipment to emulate upper class success. 40oz OE. Baggy pants. Hats with stickers. Worships/hates Kanye West. Swag. Is “all about that money,” yet is prohibited from being sold in mall stores like Hot Topic. Is quick to clarify the difference between nonracist Jamaicans and racist Jamaicans. Begrudgingly owes early Beastie Boys for helping to propel mainstream acceptance of the genre. Spawned Wu-Tang clan and their 2,140 affiliate groups. Respects Travis Barker for some weird reason.

Is currently populated by aging white guys.

Is currently run by aging white guys.

Feels the Warped Tour ruined music.

Feels the Warped Tour ruined shoes.

Is neither “punk,” nor “rock” according to most dictionaries.

Is neither “hip” nor “hop” nor “rap” according to Dr Seuss.

Is a source of comedic gold when coopted by old white ladies on screen. Remembers CBGB’s, avoids the neighborhood. Thinks no white people should ever use the N-word. Blames Sex Pistols for commercializing the genre. Refuses to accept that its most authentic remaining subculture is Juggalos. 64

Ray McMillin, staff

Is a source of comedic cringe when coopted by old white ladies on screen. Avoids CBGB’s, lives in the neighborhood. Thinks only some white people should be allowed to use the N-word. Blames sex and pistols for commercializing the genre. Refuses to accept that its most authentic remaining subculture is Juggalos.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 65

I Like Raps

Simple All In One Products For Outdoor Growers

Zack Newkirk, staff

There are good raps, and then there are great raps, and I prefer all of them, thanks. Here are some of the best raps I think I ever heard on the rap records or the radio: RAP: “A milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli a milli” WHO DID THE RAP: I don’t know.

RAP: “Hey shorty/it’s your birthday/ Hey now, it’s your happy birthday/It’s your birthday, happy birthday/Have yourself a silly little happy birthday” WHO DID THE RAP: I think it was Taye Diggs. Or maybe another actor who was also a rapman once. RAP: “Chords/strings/we brings/ melody/G-funk”

WHO DID THE RAP: I can’t say, since that was the only part of the rap I heard. It was playing at the airport, but then the song was interrupted by the loudspeaker lady who announced that someone had left 40 gallons of ice cream in their Tercel in the loading zone and that it was melting out of the closed doors and filling up the gutter by the curb, so I ran outside to try and save all the ice cream. Some of my favorite punk bamds didn’t make it in this issue. I’d like to pay them homage here.

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The Red Aunts Gorilla Biscuits Bikini Kill The Vandals Snap-her Pennywise The Dickies Minor Threat Circle Jerks Babes in Toyland Lagwagon

- m o n eyC

Some of my favorite bands did get included. For that I was grateful.

There’s more I forgot. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 67

Six Beers Deep Dawn of the Red India Red Ale Ninkasi Brewing Company First!

Red ales are one of those styles that lacks standard definition; it falls somewhere between an amber and a pale ale on the color scale but really doesn’t taste like either. In this case, Ninkasi has unsurprisingly added a healthy dose of hops to warrant the “India” in the title. It isn’t overly hoppy, and instead has a nice citrus-like flavor that reminds me of grapefruit or Ruby Red Squirt.

Not First!

So i can jam with this beer. Again, it’s a little strong, but I did the right thing and ate some toast before taking on this 7% monster. Maybe they call it “Dawn of the Red” because i’ll be shuffling around liek a zombie by the time I finish six of these.

Turd

Ok I get it. Your’e clever. You know how to make a beer title based off a cult classec movie. But where do you drawn the line? Gose Dad? Dubbel Jeapardy? Legally BLonde Ale? Oh wait, i got it: Star Trek 3: The Search for Bock. Wait, too soon?

Josh Duke, staff

ABV: 7%

One more after turd

I’m gonna open a bakery, cuz I can be clever too. Gonna call it Dawn fo the Bread, and all kthe bread I bake will be all shaped like suns rising in the east. Wait, i don’t think i got that right.

Five

I could go for a big shpehere of bread right about now. All I ate was toast. Also, this beer requireds some Tums. My tum tum donet feel so great. Something acidic about this beer. Hwere are we on that bread?

Slix

Congratulations ninkasi, you’ve successfully made another hopped up beer that has continued to prop up your utterly predicatble MO. I get it. you like hops and youknow how to work with them. Now show us you can do something else. y’know how in stores they like to stock wine by style, but then stock beer y brand? Well now they don’t have to, because we can now recognize the Ninkasi section of the beer aisle to be synonymouss with “overhopped hipster beer that can’t see beyond their own ironic clevernesss.”

Josh is a semiprofessional drinker that likes to think that he knows what he’s doing. Please remember to mind your P’s & Q’s, call your mother to say something nice, and always enjoy indulging responsibly.

I’m asking for a friend. 68

This piece is sponsored by Blondies Food and Drink. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 69

Punk Rock Photos and CBGB’s Awful Memory Hole Joshua Samuel Brown, contributor

Several years back I found myself in a Los Angeles hotel on someone else's nickel when a message blipped across my computer screen asking me to identify a photograph. There was a link directing me to a website, and I'd probably have deleted it as some sort of phishing scam if not for the sender's intriguing handle: "The Matinée Photographer". So I clicked the link, and was faced with an obviously posed picture of a young and pissed-off punk rocker holding a paper bag, his combat boots easily three sizes too big for his small frame.

Naturally, I was taken aback. The kid in the photo was me, circa 1983. It's not often one comes face to face with a photograph taken during a time almost forgotten. Of course I wrote back. A few minutes later I got a reply from a guy called Drew Carolan, who'd taken the photo as part of a series he was doing in the early 80s, photographing punks just outside of New York City's legendary punk club, CBGB. Now compiling these photos for a book called

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The Matinee Photographs, he'd located me through an old friend, Andy, whose photo was also in the book. Andy knew my full name, and heard that I'd gone to Taiwan, so finding me with that information was pretty easy.

Still, the photo shoot itself was a mystery, as I had no recollection of posing for any photographers back in those days. As I stared at the picture, I tried to piece together the approximate date on which it might have been taken. Memories flooded back. My clothing indicated a cold New York City winter. The Mohawk was the one I sported sometime in my 14th year. The costume indicated my cheap attempts at being a nonconformist by conforming almost in lock-step with the New York Hardcore norm of the time. Combat boots. Jeans rolled up British Oi! style. The contents of the bag were harder to pinpoint.

Warzone, Agnostic Front, Murphy's Law, Reagan Youth, Gilligan's Revenge, the Cavity Creeps and probably a hundred others whose names I will never remember.

At some point I gave up punk rock and malt liquor for Pink Floyd and psychedelics, latching onto older longhaired kids whose idea of fun was somewhat more mellow. But I'd still go slumming occasionally, trying to merge the two identities of my youth. Generally this resulted in failure; punk rock and LSD seemed a poor mix. And then I discovered the Butthole Surfers, and was lifted up by my nipples and nearly hurled down a flight of stairs by an enraged Gibby Haynes, for whom I'd inadvisably expressed wide-eyed fan-boy adoration on the wrong night. But that, friends, is a story for another day.

When I first started attending hardcore punk matinees, it was with my fellow conforming nonconformists from Staten Island. We prided ourselves on being totally straight edge, and drinking and drug use was frowned upon. Being a good conformist (and having had a bad acid trip the year before), I was only too happy to toe the straight-edge line with my oversized combat boots. But at some point our little clique disintegrated in an ugly muddle of incest, angst, and black magic. With it went my commitment to the straight edge philosophy. I continued going to shows and kept up with the fashion end of things, but my friends from then on were largely of a consumable nature.

Perhaps the bag contained a 40-ounce bottle of Olde English 800, or something equally vile, purchased from the deli across the street from CBGBs through the good graces of a local winos? Perhaps a greasy chicken thigh as well? I pretty much lived on that stuff.

Drunk or sober, hardcore matinees at CBGB were equal parts exhilaration and angst, endless adrenalin fueled by unfocused anger and music that was fast, loud, and by almost any standard, awful. The bouncers let me in for free because I was too small to bother with. I felt strangely protected inside of the dank, cave-like space of the club. The bigger kids - skinheads mostly - tended to look out for me, and as a result I was never hurt too badly on the dance floor. During any given matinee I'd wind up on the upper half of some sort of piggyback/ slam dance routine that usually ended up with me being launched like a dwarf by a drunken lumberjack onto the stage for a few moments of aggressive dancing with lead singers from bands like the Circle Jerks, the Big Boys,

Photo Credit Drew Carolan

Savage Henry’s Sometime-Asia (and random memory hole) correspondent Joshua Samuel Brown has a book of short stories for you to purchase. It’s called How Not to Avoid Jet Lag and other tales of travel madness. You can read some of it for free at http://www.amazon.com/dp/ B00P3BWGYY and then, if you like it, purchase it.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 71

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PUNK’D

EUREKA 214 E Street 707.268.5511

Spencer DeVine, contributor

6:30 a.m. PUNK’D - Shamwow guy

A Hidden Camera Show similar to Candid Camera but famous celebrities are the victims. Each week Ashton and his crew of pranksters play a joke on celebrities such as Justin Timberlake and Frankie Muniz. This week Ashton pulls an elaborate prank on Vince Offer, the infamous personality behind the Shamwow, someone dies.

7:00 a.m. BUNK’d - Cutty Joe

A Hidden Camera show similar to PUNK’D but notorious prisoners are victims. Each week Striker and his gang of National Radical Separatists send messages to other gangs in general population by stabbing prominent gang affiliates, such as Bebop and Stretch, in their sleep. This week Striker and his crew pay some much needed retaliation to Cutty Joe for his interference in the ever-popular meth trade routes of Modesto.

7:35 a.m. FUNK’D - Donald Trumpet

A Hidden Camera show similar to Bunk’d but famous dead funk icons are the victims. Each week famed medium and nail salonist Vera Aloe seance’s with dead funk icons who had no idea that it would be happening and forces them to play free shows in the back of her strip mall Brick and Mortar shop. This week Vera and her crew communicate with the spirit of Donald Trumpet, the funk legend who denied all roots to Donald Trump and paid the price.

5:43 p.m. JUNK’D - Harold Johnson

W a k e & B a k e 72

A Hidden Camera show similar to FUNK’D, but famous public flashers are the victims. Each week public flasher and American hero 10’ Larry flashes his junk at other famous public flashers and general sexual exhibitionists such as The Boob Bandit and The Hump Twins. This week on Junk’d Larry hunts down and stakes out public wiener flasher Harold Johnson, of the Connecticut Johnsons, and shows him his exposed junk.

6:42 p.m. TRUNK’D - Bobo

A Hidden Camera show similar to JUNK’D but elephants of all different sizes and families are the victims. Each week famed poacher Animal Skin Jim travels the world and hunts down such elephants as the African elephant and Dumbo because of the high value of their skins and the ivory they produce. This week Jim travels to the publicly-funded Seattle state fair and circus extravaganza and hunts down Bobo, a high-priority target on the poaching market. This show is illegal; report to the authorities if this scheduled programming is followed through. They've kidnapped me to write these stupid summ………

Meme by Dutch Savage

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 73

Punk Quiz

Are you punk? How punk are you? Are you a goddamn poseur (posers spell it that way)? Are you too punk to care? Great! Take the quiz and find out how punk you really are!

It’s the Savage Henry Magazine Punk quiz! 1.) Judy is a: a. Punk b. Judge c. Woman d. Jetson

Dutch Savage, staff

9.) Drugs: a. I Wanna Live b. More Beer c. Annihilate This Week d. I Hate Myself And I Want To Die

3.) I have _________ tattoos. a. Yeah b. No c. Cool d. Prison 4.) Meat is __________. a. Murder b. My dick c. Food d. Cock

12.) Favorite Ramone: a. Joey Fatone b. Dee Dee Brasize c. Marky Mark d. Ramon Estevez 13.) Last thing you spit on: a. Your grave b. Baseball diamond c. Yourself by accident d. Anything else 14.) Your favorite new punk band of 2015: a. Dog Ass b. The Fuck-Fuck c. Vomit Romney d. Obama Bin Laden 15.) Punk’s Not __________: a. Dead b. Bread c. Fred d. It's dead Now add up your points!

10.) Favorite punk cd right now: a. CD’s suck b. CD’s suck c. CD’s suck d. CD’s suck

5.) Black Flag’s best singer was: a. Sonny Rollins b. Caesar Chavo c. Dezi Arnaz d. Ozzy Osbourne

7.) Flipper’s bass player who died of a drug overdose in 1987 was named: a. Will Shitter b. Will Shatter c. William Shatner d. Keiko 8.) Getting’ Drunk: a. Can’t afford it. b. All the time! c. More than that!! d. I’m dead!!!

2.) Iggy Pop’s real name is: a. Iggy Azalea b. Twiggy Pop c. James Osteoporosis d. Patti Smith

6.) My hair color currently is: a. Joan Jet Black b. Red Kennedys c. Cops Suck Blue d. Dickhead Purple e. Lorne Green f. Piss and Teeth Orangish Yellow

g. I'm Not Gay Pink h. Leopard print bullshit I. Bald Guy White j. All of the above

10.) Record collectors are: a. Pretentious assholes b. Radio Stations c. Thrift stores and garbage dumps d. NSA

If you did this quiz you are 0% punk. Fuck you!

11.) My favorite Sex Pistol is: a. Joey Mcintire b. Sporty Spice c. Carrie Bradshaw d. Vanilla Ice Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 75

NOW AVAILABLE

12 Famous People You Won’t Believe Are Related to Each Other 6) Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are sisters

Zack Newkirk, staff

5) Bill Clinton is George W. Bush’s father “I love you, son.”

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-2-5 Nuh-uh! Seriously? 4) Beyonce Knowles is Adolf Hitler’s son

I couldn’t believe it either! 3) Martha Plimpton and Lenny Kravitz are identical triplets

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-5-7 Wow! Now this is crazy! Amazing! 2) Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are married to each other

1) Louie C.K. is Bob Marley

Who’da thunk it? Not this old salt!

What? No Way!

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 0-9-9 Ask For It At Your Favorite Hydro Store! 76

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 77

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EavesDroppings “Looks like mountains, tastes like meth.” - The Alibi

“There’s sperm flying everywhere!” - toddlers (referring to the fish) during a herring run in Crescent City

“Those things remind me of a dick in a mans mouth. And then they have hairy faces that make them look like a vagina.” - homeless woman at the Clark plaza in Eureka “When the wind is right I can smell my own pussy.” - Chick at the end of the Alibi Bar in Arcata

“With that haircut, You look like you’re from the future.” - house party Arcata

“Have you ever seen a homosexuals penis.” - Mill City kid talkin to his dad

“I would have shit my skirt if I had found that in the dessert.” - Willow Creek ( talking about a rock) “It’s like a tuxedo for your anus.” - walking past class in session at H.S.U. DUDE: “Shit! I just sat in some beer!” CHICK: “You gotta be more absorbent!” - Park City Pub in Portland

“The meth turned me bisexual.” - same homeless guy in Santa Cruz

“It’s kinda a chronic condition, I do hand-stands.” - HSU “You still work here?” - Chevron in Fortuna

“Those bitches took a shit in my brain just by being alive.” - Nevada City

“Someone stole my bag with all my clothes and dog food in it, now I have to suck dick for dog food.” - homeless guy in Santa Cruz out front of Jamba Juice

“There’s so many people I want to get drunk and zit rape.” - The Shanty

“Apparently Watermelon 99 and Mango Mikes together tastes like a vagina.” - boyfriend “I’m not saying I wouldn’t want a bigger wang but at some point you’re just limiting the number of people you can screw.” - unknown

“I can’t stand you guys you all are but nothing but pieces of sausages shit in this goddamn useless world of fucking assholes, I can’t wait til all of you die.” - sad BBQ in Stockton Ca

1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Text it 707.845.8854 or... Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 81

AILMENT OF THE MONTH

HEPATITIS C. BECAUSE SAFETY PINS.

next month:

The Wrestling Issue

product reviews - ballstink nose plugs

Sting is Back! What happens if yo u get a skidmark on your wr estliing shorts Send your Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82

Goats are punk as fuck.