Issue #59 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we got that facebook thing too.

Good Morning! Welcome to Breakfast. Have a seat.

IT’S 10:30 A.M. SOMEWHERE | Chris Durant BLACK COFFEE | Monica Durant SAUSAGE, EGGS AND A V8 | Sarah Godlin

Are you a cereal bar kinda human? A Moons over My Hammy dude? Either way, we got what you want. Unless it’s highbrow literature that is all spelled correctly with no made up words. We don’t have that.

Here’s what you can expect from us this month: food stuff and some pictures and a flow chart. Neat, huh?

MY MOM MADE MY CLOTHES | Josh Duke

CONTRIBUTORS

Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Samantha Gilweit, Andrea Bartunek, Adam Jacobs, Billy Wayne Davis, William Toblerone, Kyle Keating, Ivan Mueting, William Head, FC Sierra, Allison Mick, Justin Gomes, Timothy Paul, Aurete Gloom, Timothy P. Ligasor, Keith D. If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville

ADVERTISING

advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com

SUBSCRIPTIONS

12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

Letters from Editors

I’m going to use this space to ask something of you, dear reader. We’d like to know what you think. Good or bad. More feedback equals a better magazine. (Please don’t ask us to spell things right and not make up words. We are quite comfortable where we are on that account. I mean, there are plenty of magazines that have those things but you usually have to pay for them.) But we do need feedback. Or just write and tell us where you live. It’s nice to see how far the magazine stretches. Like Measles. Savage Henry Magazine 791 8th Street, Suite N Arcata, Ca 95521 What’s that? Go ahead and finish chewing. Aaaah. you were born after 1985 and you only use the Internet. That’s cool. Here: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Ok. Can I refill that coffee for you? Was everything ok? That will be $8.97/ Have a great day. -Sarah Godlin, Editor

Parental Warning Breakfast is the most important meal of the day for growing young people and Savage Henry is the most important read of the day for hungover 30 year olds. Don’t confuse em..-SG

The Breakfast Table

Letters to the Editors.................................................................9 Brunch Calls Out Breakfast....................................................13 Brunch like a real Douche… a Brouchebag!..........................15 Hey Fat Asses, Eat This..........................................................17 Morning Food Translations.....................................................19 Which Member of the Breakfast Club Are You?....................21 Breakfast in Bed......................................................................23 New Spot Reinvents Old Fave................................................25 Album Reviews.......................................................................26 Ben’s 10..................................................................................31 Rejected Sugary Cereal Prizes................................................33 Top 6 Most Racist Athletes.....................................................35 Why England is a Shell of Its Former Glory..........................37 Catty Mean Girl......................................................................37 The Marlboro Man Smokes His Last:.....................................39 Fuck Your Breakfast...............................................................41 Pop Culture’s Daughter - The Brandie Posey Interview.........42 Restaurant Review: The AA....................................................49 Trendspotting: Breakfast Edition............................................51 Breakfast Cereal Mascots - EXPOSED!!!..............................52 The Edible Diaries..................................................................55 Failed Breakfast Cereal/Movie Tie Ins...................................57 Chasing the Drive Thru...........................................................63 Is this breakfast?.....................................................................65 Census Results: Most Popular Tattoos of 2014......................67 Morning Cocktail Pairing with Monsieur Justin Gomes........71 Morning Cocktails Word Search.............................................73 Name That Cereal!..................................................................75 Skip to my Lunch....................................................................77 Senile Felines..........................................................................79 EavesDroppings......................................................................81

On the cover this month is Humboldt County’s Smoking Caterpillar, one of SoHum’s premiere smoke shops. Alex and her crew donated to the “Keep Savage Henry Free” crowd source campaign last year. When in Garberville check them out to get your Butane • Body Jewelry • Buttons • Candles • Drinking Games • Grinders • Incense • Keychains Magnets • Men’s Tees • Patches • Scales • Stickers • Tools • Torches • Vaporizers...& more! Thanks so much for the support Humboldt County’s Smoking Caterpillar. Love, Savage Henry

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 5

UPCOMING S.H.I.T. SHOWS Tuesday, March 17 - Humbrews - Arcata Kyle Kinane, Dutch Savage and Matt Redbeard 8 p.m. - $14 Saturday, March 21 - Six Rivers Brewery - McKinleyville Carlos Rodriguez, Emily Van Dyke, Dutch Savage and Joe Deschaine 9 p.m. - $5 Thursday, March 26 - Mellow Fellow - Truckee An evening with Moore Devine with PK Hutchinson and hosted by Andrea B 9 p.m. - $5 advance/$8 at the Door Friday, March 27 - Mellow Fellow - Kings Beach An evening with Moore Devine with PK Hutchinson and hosted by Andrea B 9 p.m. - $5 advance/$8 at the Door Saturday, March 28 - Woody’s Cantina - Salem Alex Elkin, Max Brockman, Eric Alexander Moore and Ray McMillin 8 p.m. - FREE

Friday, April 17 - Mellow Fellow - Kings Beach Drew Platt, Cameron Vannini and Mark Manning with Andrea B hosting 9 p.m. - $5 advance/$8 at the Door Saturday, April 25 - Six Rivers Brewery - McKinleyville Drew Platt, Cameron Vannini, Andrew Holmgren, Ivan Mueting, William Toblerone and Laurel Pearson 9 p.m. - $5 Tuesday, June 23 Jambalaya - Arcata An evening of comedy with Tom Rhodes. Dutch Savage, Matt Redbeard and Ivan Mueting open. Nando Molina hosts. 9 p.m. - $15

Tuesday, March 31 - Jambalya - Arcata Mikey Walz, Jesse Hett, Walker Glenn and Aviva Siegel with local openers Josh Duke and John McClug 9 p.m. - $5 Thursday April 2 - Palm Lounge at the Eureka InnErik Krasner, Drew Harmon and Kevin Renner with locals Matt Redbeard and Pat Dylan 9 p.m. - FREE Monday, April 6 - Ash St. Saloon - Portland Free Speech Comedy Showcase & Late Night Open Mic 8:30pm - $3 Suggested Donation Wednesday, April 6 - The Fifty - Salem 50/50 at the Fifty Comedy Showcase & Open Mic 8:30pm - FREE Thursday, April 16 - Mellow Fellow - Truckee Drew Platt, Cameron Vannini and Mark Manning with Andrea B hosting 9 p.m. - $5 advance/$8 at the Door 6

Are you a comic?

Send a clip and contact info to editor@savagehenrymagazine.com.

Support Live Comedy

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Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. Ray McMillan needs to have his 'hood pass' revoked. In the article "How to Get Things For Free" he makes some unfunny racist jokes about dating black people... And later talks about 'Cash Money' records and MasterP which have nothing to do w each other. This fool must be whiter than me (and I'm Irish and German and need lots of sunscreen). If your going to make dumbass racist jokes, at least get your material straight... And try a little urban ethnic culture... You might learn something. Two thumbs down for Ray McMillins lame attempt at humor. :) - Neil in SLO

Ed Note: We gave Ray a chance to respond to Neil. Neil Thank you for your response addressing the “racist” article I wrote regarding how to get things for free. I admire people who speak up and respond to bullshit, and thank you for reading Savage Henry (there are tons of articles by lots of comics who don’t share my lack of humor, and I’m glad you’re attacking me and not the magazine). However, in my defense, let me make a few worthwhile notes. First of all, the tokenization of non white peers by those who inhabit the dominant class is often seen as a trivial way to surpass the necessary obligations that face white America in regards to respecting other cultures without defining them or otherwise appropriating the unique aspects of those cultures unable to be completely understood by someone who lacks experience. It seems you have a finger on this pulse, so I’ll just assume you can now see that said article was attacking white people, and their/our ignorant assumption that simply saying “hi” to a black guy counts as activism (or earns you a hood pass). Sure, you may have skimmed the article without considering the subtext that thousands of dreadlocked white people read our magazine (as well as many computer-literate, email-having black people), but it’s worth noting that the “punchline” in my article was simply “white people are stupid.” Second of all, yes, Cash Money and Master P have nothing to do with each other. Why? Because when No Limit (P’s empire) flopped, Cash Money became the most predominant hip-hop label in the South, leading one to believe that P would attempt to lowball the value of his rival’s stock ticker by giving away their merchandise for free, and since P is a good guy and looks out for his labelmates, he’s probably gonna try

to sell you on that Mystikal side project once you befriend him. I know I’m only 35 years old and grew up working actively as a DJ in a mostly black industry, but you appear to have a background in crunk which I will not question. Basically I said “to get free Seahawks jerseys, make friends with the Broncos” and you got half the joke, more than most people would get. Lastly, and please take this as a humorous jab and not a personal attack, I find the idea of a white person sticking up for all black people everywhere a little *racist*, like the kind that says “some of my best friends are black” when you never appear to be seen with your black friends. I admire your zeal and dedication to standing up for voiceless minorities everywhere, and I bet Macklemore would be proud of your stance. However, you might want to consider one thing the next time you take something out of context and decide to be a good social justice warrior; black people can read. They can also use computers. Crazy, huh. -Ray “some of my best friends are white SJWs” McMillin

es, prop s or Se nd yo ur co m m en ts, attit ud ge He nry. wh atev er el se yo u got to Sa va e.c om ed itor@sa va ge he nrym agazin , CA 95521 791 8th St re et Su ite N - Arca ta Al l pe rs pe ctiv es are w el co m e.

ntinued next page

Letters to the Editors co

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Letters to the Editors continued from previous page

Mark Wooten chilling at The Shanty in Eureka. He looks just like Steve from Western Web. But he isn’t.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 11

Brunch Calls Out Breakfast

“You Think You’re Fuckin’ Better Than Me?” By Brunch (ghostwritten by Sam Greenspan, contributor)

Okay, Mr. Dietitian’s favorite pet, Mr. I-Get-Up-At-Six-JustBecause-I-Want-To, Mr. Captain fuckin' America with your whole grain waffles, and your whole grain milk, and your whole grain-- you know something? Who gives a shit! Who the fuck eats breakfast!? Oh what's that, you say? Lots of people and billions more who'd love to eat breakfast once before they die? Well you and the rest of the 5 a.m. Bikram go-getters can kiss my champagne-drenched twat. Yeah, that's right, people, push me aside to the weekends and be sure to wear a long hat and sunglasses when you're hookin' up with me, you mealy-mouthed cowards; I know who butters your toast. Hey, Breakfast, why do the people always look forward to Saturday and Sunday? It ain't for a "hearty, healthy meal," you holier-than-thou jackass. It's so they can crawl out of bed at 11 a.m. and guiltlessly wrap their legs and lips around my mimosas, or bellinis, or some other booze plus croissants or something else that barely qualifies as food-based meal. Wanna know where eggs benedict comes from? It's all toast, shitty eggs, and spare pig parts. We call it art. But they’re drunk, so they'll believe anything. Fuckin' heavy.

You, Breakfast, are, like, all corporate and shit. You went soft. You got all terrified of being poor and not being able to impress Dinner so you went and got a vegetarian option, put a tiny fork in your hand, and headed for the easy ticket. You make me fuckin' sick. You're like the Green Day of foodstuffs and vittles plates. You bum me out. You fuckin' bum everyone out! You think anyone that gets up to eat you at 4:30 am ENJOYS that experience? No, it's so they don't pass out on the their feet while their useless kids are screaming about not being able to find hand sanitizer, and your husband ain't gonna help because he only got home two hours ago, and you've still gotta get them to the bus stop on time because your carpooler Stacy is a real cunt-buster about being on time cause she's a friggin' Mormon and every day the cavernous, loveless chasms of this place seem like the icy emotionless eyes of a swarm of mako sharks swimming a little closer to you with every passing day, but YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT NOW WOULD YOU, BREAKFAST? YOU'RE IN IT FOR THE VENEER, NOT THE VALOR. NOT THE VALOR AT ALL, YOU CHODE. YOU CUNT. YOU CH-CHUNT.

In conclusion, mimosas plus doin' what you want equals I win. Mic drop.

Shut up and take my money. 12

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 13

Build to edge of the document Margins are just a safe area

s e i g g i p p e e k s Greenhouse s r e t t i r c r e h t o and . n e d r a g e h t out of

Brunch like a real Douche… a Brouchebag!

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Brunch used to be just a late lunch, but now brunch has been hi-jacked by bottomless mimosa terrorists, the uber hipster douche. We call them Brunch Douche bags… or The Brouchebag. We can’t lose brunch, it’s too important to curing our hangovers and allowing us to sleep in on the weekends. These tips will help you fit right in with the Brouchebags and you’ll be enjoying Bloody Marys and pancakes with a beard aficionado in no time. 1- Learn about something “Artisan.” The true Brouchebag loves to talk about artisan products and how they are superior to your favorite shit. So interrupt your friends boring ass story by lecturing them about local artisan cheese. Make sure to ask the waiter where their cheese is sourced from, and wherever they say will never be local enough. 2- Go Vegan or at the least go Vegan only while in public, then talk ONLY about being Vegan. A brouchebag doesn’t eat meat or anything that had a face, because enjoying food is forbidden by their code of douche. Brunch isn’t about enjoying food; it’s about making all your friends uncomfortable for eating bacon.

frames

always

! k c o t s in

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3- VAPE!!! If you think you are a hipster and you don’t Vape… YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF! Ciggies are so 2000 and late, vaping is the new vice, so charge up that battery and get some new fresh flavor. Brouchebags vape at the table with no regard for you or your family’s comfort, your baby should be vaping anyway, you pussy. 4- How big and weird is your hat? If kids don’t point and laugh as you walk by… then that hat ain’t big or weird enough. We want the attention but shun the spotlight like a vampire to sun. My hat does NOT define who I am, but it totally does! 5- Be in a synth pop band or multiple improv groups; diversify your hipster portfolio… the more wasted time the better. Brouchebags have tons of wasted talent and they will let you hear all about them once they grow tired of talking about being a Vegan, using only artisan products, vaping or wearing outlandish hats. These five tricks will help you assimilate to the Brouchebag and enjoy breakfast long after McDonalds stops selling Egg McMuffins.

They said I could be anything I wanted. I became a jackass who ate 52 cold pancakes in my bathtub before carbfainting and peeing myself. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 15

Hey Fat Asses, Eat This

Monthly Confession

Samantha Gilweit, contributor

I was once a fat ass. And then I was like, “I don’t want to be a fat ass anymore.” So I went to the Internet and started reading shit about fat asses that no longer wanted to be fat asses. I started eating different. I started exercising and shit. I stopped eating tons of carbs. Yeah, fuck you carbs. If the late ‘90s taught us nothing of value, it at least helped solidify that the carbohydrate is Satan. Then I found this recipe. This recipe warmed the cockles of my fat ass heart. Because it was pancakes. And these pancakes are low carb and taste delicious. WTF!?! WHEAT FREE, GUILT FREE, LOW CARB PANCAKES

THIS RECIPE IS MAGICAL, FAT ASSES. If you’re a vegan fat ass, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do for you.

Dear Old Couple, While we were chatting about seals in the surf of the ocean, I was trying to make my eyes all sparkly and intense so you would look into them instead of noticing that I was peeing. You caught me by surprise. Sorry. -SG

INGREDIENTS 2 Eggs 2 Oz of Cream Cheese 1 Tsp of Cinnamon Pinch of Salt

That’s all you need. You can even do without the cinnamon if you’re a lazy fat ass.

STEP ONE: Start heating your pan on a low heat. Hey! Ever have eggs stick to your pan? That’s because your pan isn’t hot enough, dumb shit. So start heating that shit on low heat immediately. STEP TWO: Now that your pan is heating up, pull out your NutriBullet or other small sized blender. What? You don’t have a NutriBullet? What are you, a peasant? I’ve seen homeless people with NutriBullets, you have no excuse.

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STEP THREE: Okay, so blend all the shit/ingredients together. Turn your pan up to medium heat. Put some butter in the pan. Butter doesn’t make you fat, that’s a lie that the government sold us in the ‘80s. But if you're scared of butter, then use coconut oil which also doubles as a great sexual lubricant.

Pour a small sized amount of the batter on the pan, you know… like, pancake sized. Wait for about two minutes or until the underside looks like all the races of the world mixed together and then flip.

STEP FOUR: Eat it, fat ass. Add some fresh fruit to that shit. Mince some shit. Get fancy. If you have to, you can pour on some maple syrup. It’s a natural sugar and metabolizes in a way that makes you feel like less of a fat ass. Just make sure you’re buying nice maple sugar, not corn syrup with a Canadian flag on the front.

STEP FIVE: FEEL FUCKING AMAZING. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 17

Bulls Eye Supply u o C Y o t v ered o G e W

Morning Food Translations

Ivan Mueting, contributor

When it comes to romance, it can be hard to pick up on how your partner feels, and what they're really like. Next time you spend the night at your lover's place, look at what they give you for breakfast. The gesture involves some effort and thought, and their choices can give you the valuable insight to gauge their value as a companion. Here are a few examples of dishes and what they really mean.

Coffee and a cigarette: Okay, so this person must be really busy with their business and stuff. It's probably best if you just leave.

Oatmeal with raisins, and an apple: They're trying to fix you, or they're old. I'd say you should hit the road, unless you're into that kind of thing.

Kale, quinoa, and kombucha: They are dirty, smelly hippies, but something tells me you already knew that. Don't let the essential oils fool you, they're really gross.

Stale tortilla chips: Okay, this person actively dislikes you, but they're funny and creative. You'll have to win them over.

McDonalds: They're rich and they try really hard at life. Black beans, banana, and coffee: It's not your lover; it's your Guatemalan mom. Or your lover is your Guatemalan friend's mom. High fives all around!

Fruit Salad: They're The Wiggles! It's probably best if you just leave.

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Nothing: Giving head goes a long way. Let this be a learning experience. Eggs, toast, and blueberries: They're trying. Give them a chance, and give them some head.

Burrito: They're a keeper! Burritos rule.

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(707) 834-9675

People say strange things. Especially out of context. And when they forget other people can hear them. If you hear something ridiculous, think of us, and of your fellow Savage Henry readers. Send them to us.

We love postcards, 791 8th Street - Suite N Arcata, CA 95521 but we'll take an email too - editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Or a text. 707-845-8854 www.savagehenrymagazine.com 19

Which Member of the Breakfast Club Are You? Spencer Devine, contributor

We all remember the classic 1985 feel-good teenage coming-of-age film The Breakfast Club. Like all of you, I have had the same question in my head for long as I can remember: which member of the Breakfast Club am I? Quizzes are fun, no pressure: just do your best. 1. What describes how you feel about coaching a team of amateur little league hockey players and that you’re stuck in a high school? a. Reluctant b. Excited c. Reluctant and excited d. Reluctant at first but then excited once the children remind you of your heart of gold. 2.What is your favorite type of semiaquatic bird when you’re in detention? a. Animated penguins, obviously, like little waiters, frickin’ cute. b.The Emu…?

c. Penguin from Batman, Danny DeVito specifically. d. DUCKS

3. If you were running away from your crazy principal, what champion little league hockey team would you be most afraid of losing to? a. The Russian kids b. The rich kids c. Yourself

d. The GlobeTrotters

4. If you could use any weirdly-coordinated Hockey formation to keep from getting another day of detention what would it be? a. The sitting B

b. The lounging F c. The Flying V

d. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start 20

5. When you are forced to sit at your desk because you got in trouble for gluing someone’s buns together, what name do you write at the top of all of your papers? a. Femilio Festevez

b. Gemilio Gestevez

c. Wemilio Westevez

d. Reginald the Tickler

6. You decide to go on a crazy dance binge with your new friends in the library; what is your favorite part of watching an amateur hockey game? a. Kiss Cam, I like when people get excited in their loins for victory

b. The Zamboni. Gives me a zamboni if you know what I mean

c. The thrill of the game, success of my kids -- nah, actually the zamboni again. d. Peanuts

7. Are you a nerd, jock, popular girl, goth girl, or burnout? a. Quack

b. Quack, Quack, Quack

c. Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack

d. Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, etc.

Click Here For Result Dood. It’s a magazine. You have to turn the page.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 21

Breakfast in Bed

Isaac Kozell, contributor

lDoctors, nutritionists and loving mothers all agree that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Despite that, nearly 40% of adult Americans skip breakfast altogether. Starting your day off with a hearty meal has many benefits including improved energy, sharper brain function, weight loss and better karate skills. If you're missing First Meal, you're missing out. One way to get on the path to becoming a regular morning meal muncher is to combine breakfast with something enjoyable, like sex. We've compiled a list of the most popular breakfast foods and paired them with sex acts that are sure to get your metabolism turnt all the way up.

Cereal

Whether it's Captain Crunch, Cheerios or Kashi Honey Sunshine Squares, cereal makes for a super sexy treat. Just sprinkle your favorite bite-sized bits all over your lover's body and Pac-Man that shit like there's no tomorrow.

Donuts

Which Member of the Breakfast Club Are You? THE ROBOT FROM WAR GAMES

Congratulations for finishing the quiz, I’ve already tabulated your results (yeah I’m that good at tabulating). You are calm, logical, and inclined towards total global nuclear war. You don’t like humans, you don’t not like them, you have no capacity for emotion but a tremendous craving for suffering and death. You love games.

Bring backyard fun into the bedroom with a game of ring toss. Bonus points for behind-the-back and blindfolded throws. (Warning: Avoid heavy donuts.)

Cold Pizza

Got some leftovers from last night's Netflix binge? Grab a slice and tease your partner's nipples with it. Or, slap it over your junk for a fun, edible undergarment.

Pancakes

Sex can be hard on the joints. Pancakes make excellent knee pads and elbow rests.

Sausage Links

Put them in some holes.

Fruit

Feed each other grapes, play catch with some strawberries, fist a watermelon. No fruit is forbidden in the bedroom.

Bacon

Everything is better with bacon. Pick the sex thing you hate the most, add bacon and – VOILA! – it's your new favorite sex thing.

Eggs

THE END-THANKS FOR QUIZZING

Put them in a butt.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 23

New Spot Reinvents Old Fave

FC Sierra. contributor

,Move over, donuts!! Nobody cares about you anymore!!! Step aside, cupcakes!!! Just because a bunch of moms with face tattoos and fat ex-felons owned cupcake shops last year doesn’t mean 2015 is yours!! Fuck you, pancakes, you’re not my father!!!! THERE’S A NEW REVOLUTION HAPPENING IN BREAKFAST SNACKS THIS YEAR, and who better to lead the charge but Jax Garber? Garber, the famed and feared local cookster whose previous venture in town, bagel restaurant Donny's Ashes, burst into flames 9 years ago, is determined to change the breakfast landscape downtown. “Donny's Ashes wasn’t a failure, it was just too ambitious. We were trying to do with bagels what vapes have done for weed smoking,” Garber tells me as we sit in his still-unopened new space, “It just turns out that selling vaporized bagel air for people to breath into their lungs was about 10 years ahead of its time. And also not legal. And supes-dangerous, if you believe what the FDA says. And the police. Anyway, I’m past that. The civil suit settled out of court and I served my jail time. It’s time for a new step.” That step, is I AM JAX’ BREAKFAST. Garber plans to serve one food: Waffles. His game-changing idea? Variety. Here are some of the options currently planned for the opening (prices in parentheses):

The Hey Strawberry!

Strawberry & Whipped Cream ($6)

The Italian

Pizza-Waffle ($6)

The Grammy

This waffle doesn’t matter. (Your artistic integrity)

The Spouse

Waffle of your choice. We give it to you, then take it away after 2 bites. Then we refuse to give it back unless you let us know we’re wanted.

Then we give it back to you in small amounts, but it’s not as good and we resent you for it. ($9, Your Spirit)

The San Franciscan

Small Whole Grain Waffle, slight urine essence, raised to accept but resent all others (First 2 bites are $5 each, then an additional $65 for each subsequent bite, after which you are forcibly removed from the restaurant so a wealthier person can eat)

The SNL 40

Extra Large Waffle, Only some of the bites are really tasty, the rest are just filler, but it’s worth it. (3 1/2 hours of your life)

Photo by Dutch Savage 24

[Note: These items are subject to change.]

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 25

ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Sam Prekop - The Republic Adam Jacobs, contributor Sam Prekop, the singer and guitarist for The Sea and Cake, released his third solo album The Republic, which can only be described as “hipster ambient noise.” This album is only useful for two things: elevator music in the year 2025, and the ultimate soundtrack for a Millennial’s nervous breakdown. The latter is especially true on “The Loom,” which is sure to go down as the murder/ suicide “breaking point” song of 2015. The first nine tracks are literally background music for a community college art installation and the final six are pure nightmare generators. I’d love to know what genre of music this is so I can tell my therapist what exactly made me snap. I recommend this album to nerds who have robot ears and robots with kind hearts. Rating: 4 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Of Montreal - Aureate Gloom Samantha Gilweit, contributor

Trying to find that perfect album to listen to while playing laser tag and crying? Look no further, Of Montreal’s Aureate Gloom is here to help. Brash and glittery, upbeat and sad, Of Montreal’s latest is a tour de force that wants to seriously fuck with your brain. Thoroughly at home with ‘70s influences, the album tips its hat to T. Rex, Bowie and the Kinks, yet feels incredibly modern with a controlled and nuanced avantgarde sound. Of Montreal doesn’t shy away from getting weird. Lead singer and songwriter, Kevin Barnes has admitted to over-sharing in his songs.

Bjørn Torske - Nedi Myra & Trøbbel Timothy P Lisagor, contributor

Think before you read this. Are you the type of person who makes the metered "tst tst tst tst" sound when you hear electronic music at a bar or a party? If the answer is yes, I will spare you a full review and suggest you stop reading now. I’m uncertain I like these two releases by Bjørn Torske. The music is fine, but fails to impress like the melodic house of a performer like Todd Terje, who released the excellent It’s Album Time last year. Bjørn Torske seems to welcome the flash of inspiration but lacks the commitment to pare the excesses or avoid the cliched trappings of electronic music. Between the blips, fuzz, and squiggles, there needs to be a hummable tune; I am unsure Bjørn Torske is striking the right balance of form and function. In the future, when humans are at a starfleet academy commissary listening to a robot band, people may view this music as ahead of its time -- not quite to the robotic standard, but a notunpleasant stopgap. Rating: 7 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Lyrics like “masturbating your father’s pain” from the synth-pop track “Empyrean Abattoir” will have you dancing while also speed-dialing your therapist.

Continued next page...

Forceful, yet raucously fun, Aureate Gloom is a sequined and shiny spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down.

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Rating: 11 out of 12 Cans of PBR

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Album Reviews, continued from previous page Mount Eerie - Sauna Isaac Kozell, contributor Phil Elverum, aka Mount Eerie, takes his time crafting records that he is proud of. He focuses on physicality, rather than catering to the needs of the digitally thirsty consumer. Mount Eerie's latest release Sauna is a shining example of Elverum in fine form.

Dick Diver - Melbourne, Florida FC Sierra Dives Dick Deep into Dick Diver’s New Album, contributor

Sauna plays like a soundtrack to an acid trip in a barren Nordic landscape. The 10-minute long opening title track showcases deep, meditative textures that permeate the album. But Sauna is no snoozefest, with guitar-heavy tracks like “Boat” and “Planets” bringing the energy up at just the right moments. Echoes of Pink Floyd and My Bloody Valentine layer the background, while Elverum's effortless vocals keep the album anchored to the bedroom floor, where lyrics read like excerpts from a novel in progress. Some of the words feel contrived and whimsy. “A bright thing caught my eye / It was a pumpkin,” for example, from the song “Pumpkin.” But to be fair, Elverum himself tweeted, “It seems like the music reviewers didn't read the same obscure Asian hermit poetry as me maybe.” Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

Before listening to a note of Dick Diver’s new album, I decided to research the band and attempt to gain a better idea of who and what Dick Diver was and is, and why. Here’s some interesting facts to know about the experience: FACT 1: “Dick Diver” is the second most frequently searched term on Google from phrases beginning in “Dick Di.” FACT 2: The most frequently searched term on Google that begins with “Dick Di” is, in fact, the phrase “Dick diseases.” FACT 3: Given how many times I’ve recently Google-searched for information about dick diseases, I was surprised that this was the first time I’d seen the band’s name pop up.

By Dutch Savage 28

I’m no music expert, but I’m pretty sure some of these songs are sung by a lady, while others are sung by a fella. But hey, it’s 2015, so that’s fine by me. Grade: Chea

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 29

Ben’s 10

Volume LIX: Great Albums For a Leisurely Breakfast

Ben Allen, music editor

Cat Stevens - Tea for the Tillerman Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days Elliot Smith Elliot Smith Fleet Foxes - Sun Giant Fleetwood Mac Future Games Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back Miles Davis Kind of Blue Neil Young - Harvest Tortoise - TNT Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 31

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Rejected Sugary Cereal Prizes

Kyle Keating, contributor

The top 10 toy ideas that never made it into final production for the sugar cereal box.

#10 - Skateboard bearings

While cereal producers thought they have captured the niche market crossover with skaters and cereal consumers, putting skateboard bearings into cereal made it taste rusty and oily.

#9 – Silly Putty

We all love cereal and we all love silly putty. Unfortunately placing raw silly putty into cereal boxes morphs all the cereal together and is difficult to get rid of.

#8 – T-Shirt Gun

Who doesn’t love a fucking T-Shirt gun. However the engineers behind T-shirt guns could not scale it down small enough to fit inside of a conventional cereal box.

#7 – Live Lizard

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Kids and adults all love lizards. They are green, introverted, and a delight of a Saturday afternoon. The only problem is if a box of cereal stays on the shelf too long he will eat all the cereal and shit everywhere. Also all the other problems associated with it.

#6 – More Cereal

This was a rejected idea, for obvious reasons. The main one being that people would not be sure which part was the prize and which part was just the normal cereal.

#5 – Walt Disney Action Figure

While children love Disney, the Walt Disney action figure was rejected from cereal boxes because when you pulled back on the string it playfully muttered anti-semitic remarks.

#4 – Kanye West

Kanye asked if he could be a cereal box toy. We told him he is a human and would not fit. This is still being explained to him.

#3 – Live Grenade

Cereal producers decided it would be bad for business if consumers blew themselves up. This idea was quickly rejected but remains on the table for more discussion.

#2 – Miley Cyrus Foam Finger

We all want team spirit, but this foam finger was not the family oriented direction that cereal producers wanted to go.

#1 - Raccoon Fur

Someone was convinced that kids love raccoon fur. They don’t, they just don’t. 32

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 33

Top 6 Most Racist Athletes

Zack Newkirk, staff

It’s a sad fact that in 2015 some close-minded people still discriminate based on skin color. But it’s an even sadder fact that in the past there were even worse racists than now, and some of them were professional sports players. Here are some of the most racist pro athletes in the history of the world:

6) Kobe Bryant, basketball player. Said the n-word in a game.

5) Russell Westbrook, basketball player. Called his friend an n-word.

4) Dez Bryant, football player. Called his mom the n-word.

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3) O.J. Simpson, football player. Barked off a couple n-words at Dairy Queen in 1992.

2) Prince Fielder, baseball player. Called Orson Welles the n-word after a team viewing of The Magnificent Ambersons in 2008.

1) Tom Brady.

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Why England is a Shell of Its Former Glory Sarah Godlin, staff

Californians spread a quarter of an avocado on sourdough bread. Oregonians cut a circle out of wheat toast with a cup and fry an egg inside. Washingtonians sprinkle capers over their smoked salmon bagel. Marylanders fill omelettes with potatoes and scrapple. Texans eat chorizo burritos. These all seem pretty sane. (Except for the scrapple. That shit’s disgusting.) America does Breakfast right. Pancakes. Bacon. Tortillas. Sausage. Butter. Fruit. U- S-A! Now let’s check out England.

And that is why they no longer control the world.

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www.savagehenrymagazine.com 37

The Marlboro Man Smokes His Last:

It’s time for breakfast! Egg-makers arrive every Friday.

Remembering an Icon:

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The Guy Who Was the Marlboro Man in the Old Ads Died Recently Live the sweet life. Host a bee colony.

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It was a day like any other, only now, the Marlboro man was older. His chiseled jaw still sported just the right amount of sexy stubble, except presently it was grey rather than cobalt. The rugged ol’ silver fox, keepin’ on like always. He lit up his Marlboro red and surveyed the fence line. “Smooth,” he said to himself. “Now I’m in flavor country.” He stroked his horse’s pitch-dark mane and blew out a ring of delicious Philip Morris tobacco smoke. He’d had many a conquest in his day; after all, he was a sexy, rugged, chiseled cowboy who smoked Marlboro reds and looked at fences all day. He had a whole mess of denim jackets and denim pants. Heck, his ten-gallon hat was denim, and so was his Miata. “Flavor Country,” he cooed. “Smooth.” Also, his horse wore denim. He had a custom-made denim suit tailored for the horse. I didn’t say that before, but I should have. He’d live a hundred more sexy years; he was sure of that. Heckfire, at sixty, the Marlboro man was in the prime of his life. He was taggin’ tail and gatherin’ mail every day. Shootin’ quail and chuggin’ ale. Crushin’ snails and YouTubin’ fails. Drivin’ trucks and shootin’ pucks. Drinkin’ brews and lovin’ Jews. Eatin’ steak and -- Suddenly the Marlboro man stepped in a dad-gum gopher hole. He flipped somethin’ awful, then careened down the hill, breaking every neck he had along the way. “Smooth!… Country!… Flavor!…” he yowled. He bounced like a ball dribbled by one o’ them newfangled basketball players. Further and further down the hill he fell, until he ended up in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Needless to say, he were dead. Don’t smoke. Not never. Brought to you by the U.S. Government

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 39

Fuck Your Breakfast

I don't understand the concept of breakfast. The closest I've ever come to eating breakfast is when I smoked weed out of a Granny Smith apple once, at 6 a.m. right before I fell asleep.

Matt Redbeard, staff

They say it's the most important meal of the day which leads me to believe that it's square and boring. Since it falls into the category as square and boring, I know nothing about it ‘cause I'm cool. While you were out eating and understanding Breakfast for your whole life I've been living a LIFE of PURE KNOWLEDGE. Here's a few things that I've learned while NOT eating breakfast:

Jake The Snake was actually a human, and not a snake at all

Chicks dig beards

Cats don’t really have nine lives

Stand up comedy is so much fun

Panda bears think they’re killer whales

You don’t have to talk to cops

I don’t like peanuts

The cure for cancer is apparently Aids

Tattoos hurt way more than you’d think

Voting is pointless

Milk is for baby cows

Cows are scary as fuck

Lee “Scratch” Perry rules

Chicken is the only thing that tastes like chicken

It’s fun to say words like “Hella” and “Dope”

The white man killed Bob Marley

We never landed on the moon

Weed’s not a drug, but dabs definitely are

It’s really fun believing that Bigfoot is real

Drugs Rule

What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month? Gushers. Have you had these in the last 15 years? They are still seriously fantastic. -SG

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 41

Pop Culture’s Daughter - The Brandie Posey Interview Isaac Kozell, staff

Brandie Posey puts in work. On the day of our interview, Posey was also recording an episode of the Lady to Ladypodcast, attending the premiere of the indie film The Worst Year of My Life (in which she has a supporting role), having her property inspected for termites (Update: no termites!) and driving for Lyft to drum up a little extra cheddar. She'll soon be hitting the festival circuit with the live show Picture This! and has plans to release a new, 10-episode podcast called Mourning Becomes Eclectic. Frankly, I was lucky to even be a part of her schedule. Get familiar with Brandie Posey.

Isaac Kozell: Let's talk about Lady to Lady. Take me back to the inception of the podcast.

Brandie Posey: Lady to Lady is myself, Barbara Gray and Tess Barker. We were all standing outside of a show a few years ago, just kind of … it's fun when you're a female comic and you get to hang out with other female comics at shows, because unfortunately, it doesn't happen very often. Usually you're booked one or two at a time on shows. For some reason, there was a big group of us at this show and we were standing around, riffing, goofing off and it was like, “It would be great if there was a show like this. Just a bunch of us, man-to-man but, lady-to-lady.” It

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initially started out as a live show that we were doing once a month, kind of a Rocky Horror-style talk show. It was like The View meets Pee-wee's Playhouse and Rocky Horror, with a little bit of David Lynch thrown in. We do a pop culture round table, but we always have sketch characters that come out. Comedian Eric Dadourian plays our baby that we adopted – who's an adult in diapers – because we wanted to be fulfilled as women. All we had was a dollar and a Tecate. He's the kind of baby you get for a dollar and a Tecate. He reads poetry about trying to find his bio-dad. The podcast came about because we thought it would be helpful to work on our banter and chemistry more than once a month. We had been doing the live show at a place called Little Modern Theater, but that theater shut down and UCB started letting us go up there. That was great, but we couldn't get a monthly gig. It was more like every couple of months. The podcast took front and center for about a year. We brought the live show back, since we've built up a little bit of a following and it's easier to get people to come out for it.

IK: How much do the twisted and surreal aspects of the live show carry over to the podcast?

a vagina. In the Second Season, we got picked up by the Maximum Fun podcast network. Jesse Thorn, who runs it, gave us a couple of notes about formatting to tighten it up a bit. We added two breaks, so now it's a three-part podcast. The first segment is kind of free-flowing, us talking about our weeks and stuff. In the second segment, we play games with our guests. We have a game called confessions where we each text our Producer a confession, he adds a fake confession, then we get a Stephen Hawking robot voice to read the confessions and you have to guess whose is whose. In the third segment we either do a character or Lady Problems, where listeners write in with problems and we try to solve them. IK: You also have another live show, Picture This! ...

BP: Yeah. Sam Varela is my cocreator and co-producer on the show. I'm the host. We combine animation and comedy where live animators animate your jokes behind you during your set. It feels like you're dealing with the most talented heckler of all time. All of the animators we get work for

shows like Metalocalypse, Bojack Horseman, Mr. Pickle, all sorts of Cartoon Network and Adult Swim shows. These guys are really good. They draw things in real time based off of your jokes. It's fun for the comics. It kind of throws people off at first when they do it because you're so used to being in charge of where your laughs hit. To have somebody drawing your stuff behind you throws off where your punchlines hit. It's been interesting to see who is willing to let go of their ego and just have fun with it.

IK: Did I see somewhere that you've been able to go international with Picture This!? BP: That show has been at the Adelaide Comedy Festival and the Melbourne Comedy Festival in Australia. Sam and I didn't go though. We were approached by a girl named Alexandra Howell. She was kind of a part of our team for a while and she took it overseas. But Sam and I have had the show at Bridgetown, All Jane No Dick and SF Sketch Fest. This year, we're taking it to the Green Gravel

Continued next page...

BP: We're in Season three of the show now. If you listen to the first season, it didn't really have much of a format. It was a straight hour where we would talk to guests, goof around, maybe play a couple of games, then introduce a character halfway through. The characters were always played by guys. We had Nick Rutherford play our Groupon Gynecologist. He would just come on and promote his Groupon deals. We were pretty sure he'd never seen

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 43

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Festival in Iowa, Crom West in Denver and a couple of others we're working on. In March, we're going to launch a show in New York. We are open to giving people a chance to do the show in select cities as franchises. There's a franchise in Portland right now. There's going to be one in San Francisco soon.

IK: I'm seeing a lot more themed comedy shows and a lot more festivals booking them. Do you think that a themed show is necessary for a young comic looking to stand out from the pack?

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BP: There are more people doing stand-up now than there ever have been because the economy collapsed and the Internet is making doing comedy something that seems possible. People are also more comedy savvy. Obviously, there is a way to just be a standup now, but that's hard in and of itself. I'm more collaborative than traditional stand-up allows you to be. I was raised in the aftermath of the first comedy boom. As a kid, stand-up wasn't that big of a deal to me because I didn't like the stuff that was on Comedy Central. But I loved SNL, Seinfeld, The State ... anything with an ensemble cast. That was more of an influence on me than stand-up. I love stand-up, but I also know that there are other ideas that I would like to work on with other people. I think that comes naturally to more people now and I think it's something that should be encouraged. It's harder to sell yourself if you just do one thing. If you're a writer, comedian and you also produce stuff, you have a better shot. There's so much stand-up out there. How can we push the medium in new and creative directions?

IK: Right. If your ultimate goal is to be a better, funnier, sharper performer, then the more things you do under the comedy umbrella, the better you'll be when it's just you alone onstage with a mic. BP: Completely. I've always been a big believer in DIY, even though it's overused a lot in comedy. When I first started, I wanted to learn to host. I started hosting an open mic. Over the course of three years, I became a decent host. From there, I wanted to learn how to get better at doing longer sets. I used to run a show with four comics doing 20 minutes each in a bowling alley dive bar. That's how I learned to do 20 minutes. I did it every Tuesday for three years and really honed my chops. When we started Picture This!, I was a very scripted comic. I knew that a show like that would really help me with riffing and being more comfortable 44

onstage. Lady to Lady has made me more comfortable with not having every word in front of me and trusting the people I'm working with. IK: Now you're adding Actor to the resumé as well. Is this your first film?

BP: This is my first film-film. I've done web stuff, but everyone has done web stuff. I had taken an improv class with the director years ago, before I had even started stand-up. We worked on a couple of small things here and there and he remembered me for this part. It's a supporting part. I play this girl named Rona, a bitchy vegan who is trying to undermine the main relationship in the movie. It's fun to play a villain.

IK: You're originally from Maryland. What brought you to L.A.? BP: I knew I always wanted to work in comedy. When I was in second grade, Ace Ventura 2 came out and I had kind of a religious experience watching that movie.

Continued next page...

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I'm just the right age where Jim Carrey was a hero. If you're five years older, you might think he's kind of annoying and lame. If you're younger, you might have missed him. Since Ace Ventura 2, I've developed a ritual where I never miss the opening of a Jim Carrey movie. It's like, “Cool, I guess I'm going to Mr. Popper's Penguins.” Tradition is tradition. Dumb and Dumber To was the 23rd Jim Carrey movie I've seen on opening day. I went to film school in Philly, Drexel University. For six months of your Junior year you basically just go find an internship. So I went to L.A. for the six months. I knew I could come home after the internship, so it was way less scary than moving there blindly after college. While I was here I took classes at UCB and fell in love with L.A. a little bit, which scared me. I've always liked things that scare me, hence why I am a comedian. When I moved back for Senior year, I wanted to get more into sketch, so I started taking classes at UCB in New York, since I could take the train from Philly once a week. I knew I wanted to move to one of those two places. I like New York, but I wouldn't want to live there. Everything is 30% harder there. Everyone in New York has PTSD. L.A. is better for me. The constant sunshine, while cliché, is a plus. All of the comics that I've met out here are really passionate and work hard and are very talented. In an average week, you get to see really amazing people who inspire you constantly. It pushes you to hold yourself to a very high caliber. I've also always been a big comedy nerd and movie fan. It's awesome to go take a spin class and Jeremy Piven is in front of you and you're like, “Oh, that's what you look like when you're sweating.” That's never not going to be fun for me. IK: You seem to have a thing for Ryan Reynolds.

BP: Ryan Reynolds is my one legitimate celebrity crush. I don't usually talk about him that much. I mostly do it because it annoys and upsets my boyfriend a little bit. He's my go-to pretty boy. I've always liked him in movies. He's really funny. I think he's got a good dark streak. He's just never been given the proper vehicle to do what he can do. Green Lantern was garbage and he pretty openly acknowledges it. I think his Deadpool is going to be great. I really believe in him. (At this point, we play a Ryan Reynolds trivia game. Brandie only gets one question right.)

IK: You know, I think trivia is for posers. You get Ryan Reynolds as a person. 46

BP: Not to get too serious, but I read about how his dad has Parkinson's and he's become a big advocate for it. He does the New York Marathon every year for Michael J. Fox's team. My mom passed away last year from a neurological disease that's in the Parkinson's family. I feel simpatico in a lot of ways and this is one of them. Like, “You know how horrible this thing is too.” IK: Isn't it interesting how we can form connections with complete strangers just by absorbing information about them?

BP: Totally. I'm such a child of pop culture and I definitely feel more of a kinship with pop culture people than even exists at all. But if you look, you can definitely see something of yourself in other people. IK: This month's Savage Henry theme is breakfast. What is your favorite breakfast food?

BP: Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. I love all breakfast foods. The California Breakfast Burrito is a life changing event the first time you have one. There's one I get here that's cheese, chorizo, hash browns, eggs and avocado. It's the perfect brick on your stomach. Eat one and go back to bed.

IK: Were you a cartoon kid? Like, get up on Saturday morning, grab a box of cereal and plant yourself in front of the TV? BP: Oh yeah. I also loved that block that Disney used to have right after school. I could not wait to come home and watch Bonkers and … man, I was really into Gargoyles. I didn't want to transition into live action shows. They seemed so boring. I still love cartoons. There's just so much more you can do with them. It's anarchy on a page.

IK: I miss it. I also miss it for the sake of kids today. None of the major networks show Saturday morning cartoons anymore. It's just these watered down, pseudoeducational shows about stuff like animal hospitals that only cater to otters. A lot of people are jaded toward nostalgia, but for me, it's genuine. The ‘80s and ‘90s cartoons – and even as an extension of that spirit, the old comedy movies from that time – were ok with being goofy and zany for no reason whatsoever. BP: I watched Zoolander so many times in theaters. I think that's how I got over 9/11. www.brandieposey.com

Twitter @brandazzle

That’s Brandie. Thanks for reading.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 47

Simple All In One Products For Outdoor Growers

Restaur ant Review AA Bar and Grill, Eurek a, Ca Sarah Godlin, staff A certain type of person takes a government office job; the kind that won’t put a bullet through their head after a day of filling out forms and answering the questions of clueless people who stream in non stop saying things like “My taxes pay your salary” and “Your job is to put Obama’s red tape on the roll and find the end.” These men and women file your name changes and business licences every day and hardly ever kill anyone. They deserve a steak. The AA Bar and Grill sits next to the tweaker frequented liquor store and across from the courthouse and jail and looks like a scumbag hole in the wall. It is a hole in the wall, to be sure, but scumbag it is not. In fact it probably has the cleanest fish tank in Humboldt County and maybe the best steak too. I went in after riding seven elevators to find city hall to file some piece of stinking paper. After an hour in the government building I almost killed someone and I felt like I needed a reward. It was only 10am but the top tier of American food seemed appropriate since filing some shit and paying a filing fee in a government building seemed super damn American. I ordered a Filet and a Budweiser because the old guys in there all had Budweisers and it seemed like the right thing to do. When my filet came I asked for steak sauce like a little bitch. The bartender told me to not be a little bitch and try my steak first. She was right. No need for steak sauce. And I love steak sauce. It was Fantastic. God I love Dinner for Breakfast. I love eating at a bar. I love fishtanks. I don’t love Budweiser but it’s a pretty good breakfast beer. The only rust spot on this Great American Breakfast was when a tweaker dude darkened the doorway eyeballing my steak, or more likely my Budweiser. The Bartender gave him the evil eye and he slithered away. I wish I had that skill.

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Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. Picture = extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 ~ editor@savagehenrymagazine.com www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

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Trendspotting: Breakfast Edition Here's a quick look at what 2015 will be plopping onto our breakfast plates this year.

Allison Mick, contributor

What We Eat

When we said goodbye to 2014, we also finally said goodbye to that bullshit bacon-on-everything trend. Chicken apple sausage was “so five minutes ago” 10 minutes ago. The official new hotness in breakfast meats is salmon. I predict that 2015 is the year that the West Coast finally figures out how to make a decent bagel (New York represent) and when that happens, lox is going to be flippin’ HUGE. Forecast: by late 2016, the salmon craze will have caused the worldwide extinction of all wild salmon. In 2017, the hot new breakfast meat will be the mauled corpses of the rich after we caught them breeding farm-raised salmon in their indoor pools.

How We Eat

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According to that classic axiom, "Where technology leads, breakfast follows." So with the tech sector leading the way, the breakfast wearables revolution is NOW. The technology is ALMOST there. I personally prefer to wear my bra to bed so that the Cheerios from my midnight snack are warmed up just in time for breakfast. NASA's not doing shit. It's really not that much to ask them to figure out how to use the heat from my hot-ass titties to poach an egg. This idea can win the hearts and minds of the American populace in a way Google Glass never could, because people love breakfast and boobs like 1000% more than dumbass face computers.

Where We Eat

I said it here first: brunch as we know it is over. Brunch is going to move out of the overpriced, shabby chic restaurant and INTO our very homes. People have dinner parties all the damn time. Why not brunch parties? There are so many advantages to this: NO waiting in line at 8 a.m. so you can have a menu in your hand by 11. It's mediocre home fries, not an iPhone. NO screaming toddlers that some bitch brought with her because "he's usually soooo well-behaved." YES to keeping drinking forever. We've turned brunch into a brunch party, so why not turn a brunch party into just a party? "Egg" doesn't rhyme with "keg" for no reason.

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Oh Bacon, oh Bacon My hunger's morning maiden A young pig just waiting To satiate the craving

Keith D, contributor

From American to Canadian Only turkey is forsaken Feed not on imitation Just authentic pork creations

Such a thrill in the making With sizzling anticipation It's aroma overtaking My well-practiced patience Risk trichinosis infection And Old God's damnation To experience the elation Of this Bacon sensation

‘Member when Gwen Stefani was frying?

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 51

Breakfast Cereal Mascots Cornell Reid, staff

Cookie Crisp Dog

Although it would seem that this dog loves his cookie crisp, his real addiction is far more sinister: crack and whores. In 1996, Chip the Dog was busted with a 13 lb rock of crack cocaine which he had lodged inside the worlds biggest gravity bong. There were also 74 whores jammed into his tiny motel room and all claimed to have just finished sleeping with the cartoon dog. The police were called to the room due to noise complaints because the dog kept screaming “Cooooookie crisp! Cooooooookie crisp!” Charges were never brought against Chip which seems to eerily coincide with the DAs love of dessert for breakfast.

! ! ! D E S O P EX

Sonny for Cocoa Puffs

Everyone loved this bird who just couldn’t seem to get enough chocolate. Unfortunately, no one took his cries of being “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” seriously. Sonny’s agent took him on vacation to Jamaica, where he quickly learned that Cocoa Puffs were not part of the Jamaican diet. This lead to Sonny having a psychotic episode where he ended up hanging himself and jerking off for the better part of a week. He managed to survive since you can’t hang something that has wings, but his penis did fall off due to the excessive masturbation which was the only thing that seemed to quell the urge for Cocoa Puffs.

Trix Rabbit & Lucky Charms Leprechaun

All the kids thought it was so funny to deprive these two from cereal. They initially loved it too with all the money and fame. However, as time went on they began to feel more and more tortured by these little pricks, playing tricks on them over and over keeping their own stupid cereal from them. Eventually these two couldn’t take it anymore and were picked up for attempting to pay for the assassination of “everyone who eats cereal.” Since the assassin loved cereal he reported these two to the police.

Buzz the Bee from Honey Nut Cheerios

Buzz the Bee has been a staple of Honey Nut Cheerios. He is one of the most recognized cereal mascots on Earth, even if they don’t know that his name is Buzz. But what people don’t know about Buzz is that he has been having a sexual relationship with his granddaughter for the past 10 years. He is quoted off record as saying “the younger the bee, the sweeter the honey.” Cheerios has tried their hardest to cover this up, but Buzz is in fact proud of this relationship, publicly taking her out of the hive and in front of cameras very frequently. Also, he smokes meth on the weekend.

The Raisin Bran Sun

One time the Raisin Bran Sun was arrested for pissing in a box of Wheaties. He was found to be highly intoxicated which is why he seems to be missing all of his teeth. He was sent to rehab but quickly checked himself out and promptly went back to peeing in Wheaties.

Tony the Tiger

Tony the Tiger is on steroids and regularly beats his wife. He also loves the Big Bang Theory. When he’s not on camera he’s wearing a Bazinga shirt.

Cap’n Crunch

Cap’n Crunch is not his first choice of a name for a cereal. Actually, if it were up to the Cap’n the cereal would be called Grand Wizard Crunch. He is alleged to be involved in several white supremacy groups and that’s why his cereal cuts the mouths of only minorities.

Toucan Sam

Toucan Sam followed his nose straight to a life of grand larceny. He’s been robbing people since the ‘80s with his bullshit cereal. How can they be “fruit” loops when every flavor tastes like lemon? Just call it lemon loops and be real with yourself, Sam!

WEB PAGE OF THE MONTH

www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/every-single-thingthat-walt-jr-eats-for-breakfast-on-breaking-bad

Every single thing that Walt Jr. eats for breakfast on Breaking Bad. Walt Jr. fucking loves breakfast. Now see exactly how much. -SG

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The Edible Diaries Vol.3

Billy Wayne Davis, contributor

ed note - This is a new ongoing column from comedian Billy Wayne Davis about his adventures after being given a “tub” of edibles by a comedy fan after performing in Humboldt in October. It will run every month until he returns for the 4th Annual Savage Henry Magazine Comedy Festival Sept. 3 - Sept. 5.

I always forget how fucking big the trees get. They are THAT big, right? Should I be driving? Yeah I’m good to go, its a FORD. A FORD Focus. Ford FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. a ford FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. ford FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. fart. FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. burp. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. itch. FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. ford ford ford FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. ford FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. another fart. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

Whoa. That was the opposite of what I wanted. I think i just drove like 20-25 miles without any recollection. The trees are getting bigger and giggling at us. You know they know, you know. I can see their whispers, “focus he’s driving a focus. He needs to unfocus. I bet he’s got hairy balls. Anyone else wish they could walk. I’m tired of swaying. Billy’s going bald, I can see in his sunroof. focus focus focus focus.” I could hear the trees, thanks pot, can you make it stop now? The trees are really dumb. Like cows but for oxygen. I’m hungry where are those cookies? Wait are those the good ones or the GOOD ones? Focus, BWD, there are no wrong choices on this journey just journey extending choices. Which tub is the right one? 54

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Failed Breakfast Cereal/Movie Tie Ins The Fast and the Flakiest

The Wolf of Puffed Wheat

Saving Private Raisin

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Crisp

Diary of a Mad Black Marshmallow Das Fruit Cream of Madea Citizen Grain Dallas Buyers Puffs Chocolate Phillips

Timothy Paul, contributor

True Grits No Cookies for Old Milk Sea Biscuits Four Weddings and Some Mueslix Iron Bran Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber Of Rice and Men From Russia with Nuts Magic Milk The Spy Who Loved Wheat A Cereal Named Desire Junoats JFKrisp

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 57

S| L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I H |T

||B-FAST|VISUALS||michel|sargent|| My all-time favorite breakfast visuals are movie serials; cliffhanging chapter films shown in theatres before the feature back when they still did cool shit like that.

Buck Rogers (1939) and sidekick Buddy are suspended-animated 500 years to a future (dirigible/experimental gas/North Pole-accident) with rad disintegrator pistols, radioactive transporters, see-anywhere video monitors, and fat history books. Future Earth is run by lawless racketeers and misogynists at war with a hidden society of revolutionaries hoping to gain an alliance with Saturn and their pet mutants. Mmmmm…

A “purple” meteor (spacecraft) falls to Earth from the direction of Mars in The Purple Monster Strikes (1945). A Martian in tights exits the craft with his Distance Eliminator monitor and a pouch of Mars atmosphere, allowing his soul to enter a dearly-departed scientist whose spaceship design the Martian needs in order to fly back to Mars and then come back and conquer Earth. In 15 tasty chapters…

The Phantom Creeps (1939) stars Bela Lugosi with an eight-foot robot, a visualizer to turn invisible, and a new element to induce suspended animation that can also be blown up with robot spiders. Bela sets out to rule the world by faking his own death then battling the U.S. government, foreign spies, and a pesky girl reporter.

A vanguard force of three Martians (including Leonard Nimoy!) covet Earth’s orbit and arrive with evil plans to hydrogen-bomb the earth out of orbit and move Mars in. The Zombies Of The Stratosphere (1952) can breathe up to thirty minutes underwater, but the good guys have golf cart-sized mini-tanks and a guy with a rocket man backpack and helmet. Cliffhangers ensue.

Continued next page...

A scientist’s contraption that can predict and stop earthquakes accidentally locates an Undersea Kingdom (1936). The Atlanteans have robots, flying vehicles, tanks, television, and war between the peaceful, white-caped folks and the black capes, led by one bent on conquering the upper kingdom. Ray “Crash” Corrigan and his merry band of uplanders do some foiling.

Rest In Peace, Leonard Nimoy 58

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... continued from previous page

The burrito shop your mamma warned you about

1642 1/2 G Street, Arcata

(707) 822-8433 Open Daily

we Dare ya to try our paste of death

Super Giant: Colossus of Steel (1957 – 1959) are nine 40 to 55-minute Japanese chapter films about a “creature made of the strongest steel” that flies through space and can disguise itself as a very well-endowed human (large cotton balls were used despite the actor’s adamant protest and embarrassment). They were beautifully shot in black-and-white with high contrast lighting, and had terrific fight scenes, including one hand-to-hand battle with an army lasting 13 hilarious minutes. They later came to the U.S. as four 75-minute “Starman” films. Evil Brain From Outer Space (1964) is the edited result of three different Super Giant chapters, and one of the strangest. A decontrolled robot on Zemar has assassinated the most brilliant mind in the universe. Upon dying, the brain builds a mechanism in a suitcase to keep it alive to conquer the universe, starting with Earth. A well-endowed mutant lizard causes random mayhem, as well as nuclear grenade-tossing henchman in batman tights, poison dart-throwing film noir gangsters, and a witch-like, human-sized germ. Delicious!

Monday - Friday 9:00 AM - 10:00 PM Saturday - Sunday 10:00 AM - 10:00 PM

BOOK REVIEW

You’re Probably A Slut by Allison Sciulla Monica Durant, staff This is a funny book. Stick figures adorn each page of quips in the vein of “You Might be a Redneck.” Perfect for a dorm room or a bunch of bachelor bitches, but probably not gonna score you any points with possible future sex partners when they witness you laughing hysterically at “If your vagina smells like anything BUT a vagina.” or “If you take more Plan B than Vitamin B.” If you enjoy this one, you can take on “Anna Likes Anal” next. I think it’d be funny to leave this in your bathroom to easily judge which of your friends are sluts from how loud they are cackling on the toilet. You can get this book on Amazon pretty cheap. Allison is also a standup comedian, so look for her on the stage if you are into her brand -- Shameless, Slutty, and Sick. www.allisonrox.com 60

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Chasing the Drive Thru

There is no telling how many accidents I almost got into...how many pedestrians I almost killed… how many traffic tickets I could have rightfully received chasing one thing: The drive-thru before 10:30 a.m.

If on the rare occasion I was up before 11 a.m., I was on one mission before I could greet the rest of my day. I needed a McMuffin, a Croissan’wich or this old, ever-so-brief beauty of fast food breakfast history, the Country Breakfast Burrito. It didn’t matter how long I gave myself to prepare; nearly every time I found myself arriving in line at the drive thru with only seconds to spare. I had a couple of these window jockeys try to tell me I was too late when I was well within line by 10:30 and I nearly had to go all Falling Down on them. But eventually I got my meal. My rubbery, rubbery meal.

Chris Durant, staff

That arrogant cocksucker Jack-In-The-Box has decided to take that little bit of light I had to get up before noon and squash it to oblivion by serving their breakfast menu all day. “Well, Chris,” you may be saying out loud to me while you read this, “You don’t have to go to Jack-In-TheBox to get breakfast. You can still hone your skills at McDonald’s or Burger King.”

Well, this is true, but just knowing the option is out there has deflated my sails… defused my light bulb… derailed my caboose. As I grow older, pieces of my younger self die off and I just gotta get used to it… Personics, Zima, and now I guess I’ll nostalgically add chasing a fast food breakfast to that list.

There was always a certain sense of accomplishment when I pulled this off. The rest of my day was easier and I carried myself with a certain obese je ne sais quoi. But those days are over. 62

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 63

Is this breakfast?

Humboldt’s Only Hard Cider Company

Tasting Room and Production Facility 3750 Harris Street, Eureka CA “The Red Building” at Redwood Acres

3750 Harris St, Eureka CA 95503

Andrea Bartunek, contributor

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, because it is. It’s not good to skip it, and you have to at least put something in your body. You usually wake up in the morning starving, hungover, and reach for the closest form of food. To make this more entertaining, start playing a game called, “Is this breakfast?” This is where you just say out loud, “Is this breakfast?” and then proceed to eat the fruit from last night’s sangria. The answer to that one is yes. Hey, at least it’s fruit. There’s definitely some nutrition, and not to mention, alcohol, the best breakfast to cure your hangover. Who needs oatmeal when you have fruit soaked in booze? No one. I guess you can eat fruit not soaked in alcohol for breakfast, but there's no fun in that.

“The Red Building” At Redwood Acres

Tasting Room & Production Facility Humboldt’s Only Hard Cider Company

We’ve all been there: you wake up late for work, and have to rush out the door, but no way do you have time for eggs and bacon. You do, however, have time for a handful of potato chips and a spoonful of peanut butter. Is that breakfast? Yes, yes it is. A whole cucumber? Is that breakfast? Is it the morning? Then yes, it is breakfast. Tortilla chips and string cheese? Breakfast of champions. Oh, all you have is that pasta you made last night and left on the stove? Well, throw some maple syrup on it, because it’s your breakfast. Whatever you put in your mouth first thing in the morning can be considered breakfast. Did you accidentally swallow some toothpaste when you were speed-brushing your teeth? That’s your breakfast now. You might be thinking, how am I going to function without the proper breakfast foods in my system? Suck it up; grab that chocolate bar next to your bed. Bonus points if there are nuts in it, because that’s nutritional. You could pick the nuts out and just eat those, but no one has time for that. Your lack of time and energy got you into this breakfast predicament in the first place. Your body is a temple and you need to trick it into thinking you are eating a suitable breakfast. Remember to ask, “Is this breakfast?” and then announce that whatever it is, is in fact, breakfast. Now continue your day as if you did not just eat cold pizza at 8 am.

YES.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 65

COMING IN 2015

Census Results Most Popular Tattoos of 2014

Zack Newkirk, staff

My Government day job (I clean toilets at the jail) has given me access to the most secret files and folders that Big Brother has to offer. I sussed it all out (a guy left some papers in a stall in the downstairs men’s room), and I calculated what the most important recent census data shows. Therefore, for your reading pleasure, I present the most popular tattoos of the past census year: 10: A unicorn shopping for AAA batteries at Walgreens (left biceps)

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-2-5

9: The signing of the Declaration of Independence, but with characters from the Garfield comic strip in place of the founding fathers (abdomen) 8: A welfare check (left shoulder) 7: A portrait of one’s dead child (chest) 6: Marcel Proust eating a bagel (penis) 5: Borat, with thumbs up, saying, “My wife” (right biceps) 4: Scott Bacula riding a Razor scooter (left calf) 3: Saturn Devouring His Son, by Goya (tramp stamp) 2: A butterfly (ankle)

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-5-7

1: A Razor scooter riding Scott Bakula (neck)

Theme Related Tattoos of the Month He has breakfast on his mind, but she....

Saturn Devouring His Son, by Goya

Off topic Tattoo of the Month

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 0-9-9 Coming to Hydro Stores Nationwide In 2015 66

-SG www.savagehenrymagazine.com 67

Six Beers Deep

Josh Duke, staff

Torpedo Extra IPA ABV: 7.2% Sierra Nevada Brewing Company Una Cerveza

So I may have written this before, but I am not the hugest IPA fan. It’s a cliched style that the Pacific Northwest has tried to embrace as something of cultural value for that particular region, when really I would say it’s done little more than make undrinkable beers while jacking up the price of hops. That being said, there are exceptions. Sierra Nevada’s Extra IPA is in fact quite drinkable. The hop profile hits right in the middle of the palate, forcing the bitterness to take an even keel. It doesn’t invade the front of your mouth with a sharp sting, neither does it overwhelm your sinuses by hitting you in the backend. Now, given that this beer is a lovely 7.2%, this paragraph will probably be the most cogent thing I’ll write.

Dos beer-os

Despote how much I liked this beer, i do have to take issue with the use of the work “extra” to describe it? Why not called it a Double IPA or an Imperial IPA like the rest of the industry? Did some digging and turns out they call it extra because at 7.2%, they feel like that’s between a regular and dobule IPA, hence coining the bullshit term “extra.” It couldnt’ possible be to come pu with a clever yet subtle marketing plow to help distinguish themselves in a shelf full of microbrews, right? I see right through your bornw bottle, Mr. seirra nevada.

Tres Cool

And what’s with the torpedo stuff? Is it cuz its’ gonna swim wthough my body and then blow me up, where i wll drawon at the bottom fo the Pacific Ocean? Yeah, i think that’s it. This stuff is made in Chico, CA and that’s nowhere near the ocean. where do they get off thinking they kno wjack about torpedos. at least make the shape of th ebottle right. 68

Go Forth

So i dunno what else to say tabout this ber, except htat may be i should start eating before i do these things. Dea god, this is a a strong beer. No wonder they paryt so too hard at ca state chico, they drink this stuff.

Fif

I bet this is calle dotrpedo because somebody already took the naema depth charge. Wait, has somebody taken that name? I shoul ddo some reasearch.

Six

Maybe the extra is for like a tshirt size, like i fthey wanted to go all big, they can just call it 2x torpedo. That actualy sounds like a condom brand.

Josh is a semiprofessional drinker that likes to think that he knows what he’s doing. Please remember to mind your P’s & Q’s, call your mother to say something nice, and always enjoy indulging responsibly.

This piece is sponsored by Blondies Food and Drink.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 69

ARCATA 815 9th Street 707.822.7420

Morning Cocktail Pairing with Monsieur Justin Gomes

EUREKA 214 E Street 707.268.5511

Good 'morrow to you, dear reader. Welcome, have a seat here at the bar. I can see you're a man/woman/ (write your own!:______) in need of a hearty mother-approved breakfast. Well, fortunately for you, I am a master stonedommelier. I, along with Chef Boi R.D., have prepared a menu that is sure to delight.

2 Eggs poached, Peppered Bacon, Rye Toast, Fried Potato-Tomato Reverie with a Bloody Mary You're a bare bones kind of man/woman/(write your own!:______) who doesn't mess around. You've acquired a taste for game in your adventurous life, and since there aren’t too many breakfast meats you can eat raw you'll have to settle for a Bloody Mary. And you take your eggs poached, just like your deer.

Bagel and Lox plate, featuring Loch Nofucks Farm Salmon with 8 Mimosas

You spent all week working for that bitch Carol. You hate Carol. But today is Sunday, and Sunday is bottomless Mimosa brunch at Rudy's on 3rd Street day. You go there with bae. You love bae. But mostly you love yourself. Sure, this smoked salmon is sustainably-farmed, and that's good for the environment or whatever, but how is that going to help YOU hide your side-man/woman/ (write your own!:______), because after this many mimosas your mouth starts to run!

English Muffin with Salted Butter, paired with a shot of Fernet Ah, I see you're also in the foodservice industry. I'll give you the standard. Nurse that hangover, baby!

South of the Border Breakfast Burrito with a Clamato Beer

+ + + L + I + + V + + + + + + + I + + + + + + + Y

+ + + I B F + + I + + + + + + + F + + + + + + R +

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B a k e

+ S + + + Z + + R + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Photo by Dutch Savage

Don’t peak! These are the answers to the puzzles on the next pages. H + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

W a k e

You're a comedian on the road. You spent all night last night partying with local comics after a late show. You consistently swear that every last city you've been to parties harder than the last, but in reality it's mostly just you that's partying harder. A burrito, with all of its delicious and greasy hangover-curing ingredients wrapped up conveniently to-go, is the perfect accompaniment to a breakfast brown bag beer. Eat it as you walk around the city this morning; it's probably the only thing you can afford to do today until the show tonight.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 71

Morning Cocktails Word Search Americano: This version isn’t

found at most coffee shops. Campari, vermouth and soda water.

Bloody Mary: Tomato juice, Vodka,

worcestershire sauce, horseradish and other shit like olives and shit.

H D Arcata

UMBOLDT EPOT

Open: M - S 10am to 7pm Closed: Sun 707.825.0269 5201 Carlson Park Drive Behind the Country Store

Mckinleyville Open: M - S 10am to 6pm Closed: Sun 707.840.0269 2330 Central Avenue Just North of A & L Feed Store

Smart Pot Size Guide Smart Pot #1 .83 gallon 7" base x 6" height

Smart Pot #7 7 gallon 14" base x 9.5" height

Smart Pot #25 Smart Pot #100 25 gallon 100 gallon 21" base x 15.5" height 38" base x 20" height

Smart Pot #2 1.9 gallon 8" base x 7" height

Smart Pot # 10 Smart Pot # 30 Smart Pot #200 10 gallon 30 gallon 200 gallon 16" base x 11.5" height 24" base x 15.5" height 50" base x 24" height

Smart Pot #3 Smart Pot #15 3 gallon 15 gallon 10" base x 7.5" height 18" base x 13.5" height

Smart Pot #45 45 gallon 27" base x 18" height

Smart Pot #300 300 gallon 60" base x 24" height

Smart Pot #5 Smart Pot #20 5 gallon 20 gallon 12" base x 9.5" height 20" base x 15.5" height

Smart Pot #65 65 gallon 32" base x 18" height

Smart Pot #400 400 gallon 70" base x 24" height

Bourbon Blood Orange Blast: Simple little recipe of

bourbon, orange juice, mint leaves and garnish with an orange.

Brandy Slush: Brandy and some cold as yellow stuff, all whipped up in a blender and shit. Corpse Reviver: Gin, Cointreau, Lillet blanc, lemon juice and absinthe. Fifth Wheel: Pineapple juice and cheap draft beer of your choice. Fuzzy Navel: Peach Schnapps and orange juice. About as gross as a real fuzzy navel.

Greyhound: Alternative to a

Screwdriver but no OJ, add grapefruit. My grandpa loved these with cantaloupe and cottage cheese.

Irish Coffee: Baileys & coffee

H L V D D Z F Q Z Q N C T B Y T T A W R S Y O M X

O S A B F Z W W R U P O G Q G F K D E M Q Q F K L

X V U Z E Z Y L E V A N Y Z Z U F O Z H O Q B B O

R U A L D I N J V Y W V X V X J I K B C R Z R J Y

B Q B I B F H K I L R Z T B C E F F G H L Z F R J

J E Q A T Y A R V Y U A H T J Z T X L D V F A L B

V Q Z T V R R T E Q P Y E F N X H R V B F M U L I

B R J K F O L R R L O N W O U N W K A V Y H Z G D

Q I L C X L G O E J B T W A Q H H M L D F K H N J

M E I O Z G T F S B O B A S D C E N O D P X U A V

X L Q C O G Z D P O N J O G W R E O G X K O W A Z

T Z K G Z N V Z R Q M A T C I O L B C E H C S J R

C K M N U I O M O K N A R C Y B D B S Y N U U U B

W G R I Z N W Y C Q T E A C B R M I E J L T J S U

W R A N M R Q E L M J N W I G A R R C N Q S G F H

B O U R B O N B L O O D O R A N G E B L A S T D K

X A T O Y M S G Y D C S Y I U D I U H M E O V P F

A D O M X G B A G Z Q J A S J Y W L I S U E R G K

L L Y E F I T T O K X Y A H D S Q B K N A K Z Y I

K C J E P K X O X R T L A C Q L Z T I R P S E H T

P D P E N M E A H Z I G N O T U C S C L A L M F Y

C Z Y D B U X W I U S C P F N S E B N Q E P Y C Y

Y O M O H W W X Q U E J T F K H K A J F I I S Z N

A B B W S C R E W D R I V E R S L P F L J C H M I

V U W A Z M T O J G P H O E Y L O T L P J A Z Q D

Morning Glory Fizz: Scotch, egg (see, told you it’s for breakfast), lemon, simple syrup, Soda water, rinse of Absinthe Pabst Blue Ribbon: It’s all you really need, a few dozen of these. Screwdriver: An alternative to a Mimosa. Yes on the OJ, but w/vodka not champagne. Sherry Cobbler: Dry fino sherry, muddled lemon and simple syrup. Sparkling Cranberry Blush: Yeah. That’s right. Sparkling Cranberry Blush...so what? Champagne, cranberry juice & lemonade Tequila Sunrise: Like a mimosa or a Screwdriver except with TEQUILA! And grenadine. Good morning!

The Spritz: Prosecco, Aperol and soda water.

and a nice Irish whiskey.

McMosa: Champagne and orange drink from McDonalds.

Mimosa: Champagne and orange juice. Morning Cocktail: Actually the

name of this one. brandy, vermouth, triple sec, maraschino liqueur, anisette, orange bitters. Yum?

V8 made tomatoes and parsley and 10 pounds of salt taste Soooo good. @bloglin

Answers on Page 71 www.savagehenrymagazine.com 73

Name That Cereal! Down 1. The taste adults have grown to love. 2. A is for _____. J is for _____ 3. The Taste You Can See! 4. I’m coo-coo for ______ 5. Can’t get enough _______________ 9. He likes it! Hey Mikey! 10. Follow my nose. It always knows. 12. I vant to eat your cereal! 13. They’re Gr-r-reat! 14. Bee Happy, Bee Healthy 15. __________ big! Yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s not small... no, no, no! 16. What are you eating? _____________ 18. Taste them again, for the first time. 21. Two scoops of raisins… 22. Breakfast of Champions 24. ______ for Quazy energy. 25. Silly Rabbit, ____ are for kids! 27. It takes (x) bowls of your cereal to match the nutrition in one bowl of ______ Across 6. Stays crunchy, even in milk! 7. I’m Rapmaster Barney and I’m here to say, I love ____ ____ in a major way! 8. Snap! Crackle! Pop! 11. Kid tested. Mother approved. 14. It’s what’s for breakfast. 17. It’s a honey of an O… 19. They’re Magically Delicious! 20. Brings out the tiger in you, in you! 23. They’re A-B-C Delicious. 26. The cereal shot from guns. 28. It tastes like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy! 29. The Breakfast of Champions

Answers on Page 71 74

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Skip to my Lunch

William Toblerone, contributor

It’s widely accepted that doctors are among the most qualified professionals around when it comes to talking about health stuff. Even though they have told us for years that breakfast is the most infuriating meal of the day, people continue to push morning food into their faces. I have learned to avoid it at all costs.

I recently decided to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed for our 10th anniversary. She insisted that it was our 11th anniversary, but it couldn’t have been, because I would never date anyone for that long. Like a true gentleman I brought everything right to the bed: eggs, cheese, mushrooms, spinach, and our Coleman camping stove so that she could make our favorite omelets without having to get up. When I returned to check on her progress, she had burned a hole in my pillow and overturned a pan of half-cooked eggs onto her belly. When I demanded an explanation, she blamed the culinary failure on El Niño.

Years earlier, we decided to take a trip to the scenic Cascade Range of Oregon. Our gorgeous mountain top cottage had every comfort imaginable. But The View in the morning was the most memorable part. It was magnificent. Absolutely spellbinding. Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters were exchanging a fascinating dialogue about menopause. We were so glued to the TV that we forgot about our frittata in the oven. It burned to a charred discus. We thought about making pancakes, but we decided against it because they are completely absurd. Pancakes are cake. It’s the same damn ingredients as any dessert cake, only without the icing. But wait! Here comes the syrup! Icing accomplished. If you like to start your day with a big plate of mediocre cake, then by all means, enjoy it while you watch your DVD of The Wiggles. We weren’t going to the popular nearby breakfast joint either. As Dr. Liam Stephol stated in his bestseller HellaHealthy, “waiting for a table outside of a quaint, trendy breakfast establishment is the folly of ogres that belong in institutions.” We had to eat the box of Nut ’n You’re Going To Enjoy cereal left by the previous occupants. I do remember one successful breakfast. It happened after we returned from living in Mexico for three months. We were yearning for one of the exciting breakfasts we had enjoyed down south, so we decided to treat ourselves to the Taco Bell breakfast menu. Twenty minutes later, as we traded emergency diarrhea runs to the bathroom, we truly felt as though we were back in Guadalajara.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 77

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EavesDroppings “You know what would “Danny Devito reminds me of when “I can’t feel the hole in my be great? A basketball Jesus tried to get that kid out of that tree.” mouth, all I can feel is the hoop on an airplane.” - Grass Valley cafe balls on my tongue.” “Oh My God! That is exactly girl with freshly pierced tongue what I was just thinking.” - The Arcata Airport “Your eyeballs are yelling at me.” “It’s ok, my nipples fold weird.” - Grass Valley - someone in Arcata “My mind is a slug.” “So u dont have the muscles - Grass Valley “My mom shipped a Mexican to in your face 2 smile.” France to do the tiling in our house.” - Clerk 2 customer @ eureka co-op - Plaza Grill “My favorite color is DICK....” - Homebum in Eugene “Fuck nachos, eat my pussy!” Little kid: “Mom, where do - girl talking to her hamsters come from?” “You know, cause I was boyfriend at The Goat Mom: “Hamsterdam” reading and driving. “ Tavern in Mt. Shasta. - overheard at Portland,OR PetCo - Willits pub Boyfriend - “Do you have a food processor?” “Ass spanking is a logrithmic scale, if u wind up Girlfriend - “Yeah...you used it to make too much, u can cause some serious damage.” opium before. Remember?” - guy at party in Arcata Boyfriend - “Really? Oh...can I use it again?” - Luzmila’s Eureka “If you want to give it I’ll take it.” “The aliens come down to “I wouldn’t want to lick it, so - Employee at Best Trailer subscribe to this shit!” I wouldn’t want to drink it.” - about Savage Henry @ The Shanty in Grass Valley - Grass Valley “I take meds so I can slap “My husband won’t stick it in my stupid people and blame it butt anymore. Ever since Mexico.” on the side effects.” - Somewhere in McKinleyville - Reading the mail on the INTERNATIONAL FIREFIGHTERS NET CQ100 Guy 1- “Does cervix have an “x” in it?”

“I have photos of Bill Murray that I found on the side of the road.” - Northtown Coffee customer with a spork hanging from his belt

Guy 2- “Not if you’re doing it right.” - Trim scene in Penn Valley

Girl: “You gonna be like a step-mom.” Girl two : “Then I better get all the dicks off my fridge.” - Grass Valley

1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Text it 707.845.8854 or... Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 81

AILMENT OF THE MONTH

NARCOLEPSY Where you go night night when you shouldn't. Very good for your skin, though. -SG

next month:

The Punk issue

Jello Biafra for Governor

Ian McKaye talks weed

Fat Mike... more like phat Mike

Send

your Contributions to:

editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82