Issue #58 of Savage Henry Magazine by savagehenrycomedy

Savage Henry Independent Times 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And yeah, we got that facebook thing too. MY MOM MADE MY CLOTHES | Josh Duke PABST DUE | Chris Durant FROZEN BROCCOLI | Monica Durant FUNNY MAKER | Sarah Godlin

Michel Sargent, Sam Greenspan, Samantha Gilweit, Andrea Bartunek, Brandon Garner, Emily Hobelmann, Joshua Samuel Brown, Adam Jacobs, Seth Milstein, Billy Wayne Davis, Keith D, William Toblerone, Lucy Castle, Jeff Anaya, Kenny Bus, Julius Maddox, Butch Escobar, Corin Balkovek, Rosa Green, Jonathan Ott, Chris Storin If you live in the areas below, these are the fine folks who make sure you get the mags every month. Buy ‘em a beer or a burrito or something if you see them out slangin’ mags. Josh Argyle - San Francisco Ray Flynn - Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn Patrick Wickham - Chico Shawn Sagen - Sacramento Ray McMillin - Oregon Weeda Gauwain - Redding Kristen Hunter - Rocklin/Roseville

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SUBSCRIPTIONS

12 issues = $50/year to the address above EVERYTHING ELSE Chris Durant: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah Godlin: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4

Letters from Editors Greetings, fellow 99-percenters! That’s right, we got here the poverty issue, where we celebrate all the ways that the lack of skrilla makes us more interesting than those who have more money than they know what to do with. There’s plenty of things we could do if money were no option, but we instead make do with what we have, and often we make more creative and meaningful experiences to make our broke, impoverished lives just a little more tolerable. Take this magazine, for example. We have a commitment to keep Savage Henry free, mostly because we know you’re all a bunch of cheapskates, but also kinda because we know that humor doesn’t really have a price. We’re here to make you all laugh freely in a way that could almost be considered community service (as soon as the judge signs off on it). But in all seriousness, we need to be able to laugh at the darker, sometimes more-depressing things to stave off the blues and feel empowered by our own hilarity. So in other words, please look forward to our cancer, holocaust, school shooting, human trafficking, domestic violence, and elder abuse-themed issues. (Kidding, really). Josh Duke, Editor Hellooooooooo Denver! We’re in you now! After looking at the map on where to expand our circulation and brand of nonsense, we decided “Hey, why not go where they can smoke pot legally, even if they don’t have a hangnail or ‘insomnia’.” So Denver, thank you for welcoming us with open arms...I’m sure it’s the first time something has been imported from Humboldt County to the Mile High City, but we’ll make it work. What are we about? Well, the easiest answer is Savage Henry is short attention span, bathroom-reading material. Even easier, we’re dumb humor and free! So, being the new kids in town e-mail us here at editor@savagehenrymagazine.com and let us know the spots in town where the “cool cats” and “hot mamas” hang out so we can drop the mags and spread our empire all over the City of Plains. Oh, and catch some of our comedy shows we’re producing in Denver, like Crushin’ Roulette every wednesday at 7 p.m. at the 3 Kings Tavern and a monthly show, Set Trippin’, at the Deer Pile. We’re excited to have an excuse to come on up from the coast to Denver and see what this weed business is all about. Thanks, Chris Durant Publisher/Editor

Parental Warning Just cuz this thin book’s free don’t mean it’s good for your lil’ foodstamp enhancers.-SG Table Of Contents

Letters to the Editors................................................................ 9 Star Wars Episode VII Trailer #2 Preview............................. 13 It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times............... 15 Barely Eatin’, Still Tweetin’................................................... 17 What Rich People Know That YOU Don’t!.......................... 19 Excruciatingly Thoughtful Responses to Financial Lyrics.... 21 William Toblerone, contributor.............................................. 21 Will Beg for Money............................................................... 23 You Ain’t Broke..................................................................... 25 Album Reviews...................................................................... 26 Ben’s 10................................................................................. 31 TOP 10 BEST THINGS ABOUT LIVING IN POVERTY!!!....33 Top Excuses for Poverty........................................................ 35 It’s “Emergency!” Credit Card............................................... 37 Less Money, Less Problems................................................... 39 Catty Mean Girl..................................................................... 39 Dumpster Dive with Dignity.................................................. 41 The Josh Androsky Interview................................................ 43 Gold Plating Your Baby......................................................... 47 The Edible Diaries................................................................. 49 Entertainment in the Orient.................................................... 50 Looking for a New Start........................................................ 53 The Bum’s Guide to Dating (for men)................................... 53 Humboldt’s Most Eligible Bachelor...................................... 55 AMERICAN POVERTY DINER.......................................... 57 Restaurant Review................................................................. 60 Other Ways the Patriots Allegedly Cheated........................... 63 How to Get Things for Free................................................... 65 Welfare Application for Comedians....................................... 69 A Shoe In............................................................................... 71 Men in Weed.......................................................................... 73 Poverty is Like Quicksand..................................................... 75 How to Stay Poor for 35 Years.............................................. 77 I’d Like a Diet Koch, Please.................................................. 79 EavesDroppings..................................................................... 81

On the cover this month is pretty much the guys who make Savage Henry a printed thing you can hold in your hands a reality. Steve Jackson and his crew over at Western Web printers have been printing Savage Henry since day one and have worked with us closely to help us grow and reach places like Oregon, Grass Valley and now Denver. Thanks a lot Steve and Western Web for donating to our Keep Savage Henry Free campaign and we couldn’t have made it this far without your patience and expertise!

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UPCOMING S.H.I.T. SHOWS Feb. 21 - 6 Rivers Brewery - MCKINLEYVILLE - 9 p.m. - $5 + See poster this page. Feb. 24 - Jambalaya - ARCATA - 9 p.m. - $5 + See poster this page. Feb. 25 - The Maltese - CHICO - 9 p.m. - $5 + From Denver - Sam Tallent, From SF - David Gborie, From Chico - Mark Leathers - Jerm Leather - Scott Powers Feb. 26 - Humbrews - ARCATA - 9 p.m. - $5 + From LA - Dave Waite, From Humboldt - Nando Molina - John McClurg - William Toblerone March 5 - Palm Lounge at the Eureka Inn EUREKA - 9 p.m. - FREE + From SF - Pablo Oseguera - Ivan Garcia, From Humboldt - Josh Duke - Nathan Davis-Floyd - Ivan Mueting March 5 - The Mellow Fellow - TRUCKEE - 9 p.m - $5/$8 + From Denver - Sam Tallent, From SF - Dave Gborie, From Tahoe - Andrea B March 6 - The Mellow Fellow KINGS BEACH TAHOE - 9 p.m. - $5/$8 + From Denver - Sam Tallent, From SF - Dave Gborie, From Reno - Justin Time March 10 - The Deer Pile DENVER - 9:30 p.m. - FREE + Set Trippin’ featuring Brandon Stokes - Jordan Doll - Cory Helie - Cody Spiker - Corey Rhoads - Bethany Hernandez, Hosted by Zeke Herrera March 17 - Humbrews - ARCATA - 8 p.m. - $14 + Kyle Kinane, From Humboldt - Dutch Savage, Hosted by Matt Redbeard Every Tuesday at the Jambalaya in ARCATA - 9 p.m. FREE Open Mics or Feature shows for $5 - $7 Every Wednesday at 3 Kings Tavern DENVER - 7 p.m. Crushin’ Roulette Comedy 6

BULK SOIL

SIMPLIFIED.® Pick-up or Delivery

BULK OR BAGGED 877-751-3935 sanctuarysoil.com www.savagehenrymagazine.com 7

Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. I stopped about a week ago at Sailors Grave Tattoo Henry had some time for me, what did I want to do? A wide red band around my thumb is the order of the day A minute still I’d have to wait, a dude was in the way I’d just got high, so I sat down to read “a dab-a-dabba do” That’s when I grabbed a dozen more to pass them out for you A week away from Humboldt and I might get a little needy So I checked some and also carried on in case TSA got greedy I packed them with my shirts and shorts and Maxwell House stash can And hoped the baggage handling crew don’t have a sticky hand Oh!... Wait... are we still talking mags? I might have got distracted I hope I didn’t say something that needs to be retracted About the mags, they made it through, as did my stashed supply No reason for a lowdown week, now I can just stay high Got so much through I’ll share a lot, my peeps I can’t deny Cause Humboldt County represents on the Garden Isle Kauai Savage Henry now I think you’ve got a “toehold” over here I’ll see you at The Jambalaya and you can buy the beer Elsie Eureka

Se nd yo ur co m m en ts, attit ud es, prop s or wh atev er el se yo u got to Sa va ge He nry.

Em ai l: ed itor@ sa va ge he nrym agazin e.c om Mai l or drop by ou r offi ce in th e Ja co by Storeh ou se: 791 8th

St re et Su ite N - Arca ta, CA 95521 Al l pe rs pe ctiv es are w el co m e.

We don’t know who sent us this picture, but it looks like the Dino issue made it to Jurassic Park. Thanks for sending it in!

Letters to the Editors continued next page 8

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Letters to the Editors continued from previous page My buddy asked me if I wanna smoke some pot? Then handed me a pot with a bong in it!!!

Spring is right around the corner!

Stock up on cloning supplies!

H D Arcata

UMBOLDT EPOT

Open: M - S 10am to 7pm Closed: Sun 707.825.0269 5201 Carlson Park Drive Behind the Country Store

Mckinleyville Open: M - S 10am to 6pm Closed: Sun 707.840.0269 2330 Central Avenue Just North of A & L Feed Store

People say strange things. Especially out of context. And when they forget other people can hear them. If you hear something ridiculous, think of us, and of your fellow Savage Henry readers... and just how much you enjoy the EavesDroppings when you get to the end of each issue of Savage Henry.

Send them words to us. We love postcards. 791 8th Street - Suite N Arcata, CA 95521 But we'll take an email too editor@savagehenrymagazine.com

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Star Wars Episode VII Trailer #2 Preview

Zack Newkirk, staff

We’ve all seen the Star Wars VII teaser trailer with the ball droid and the guy with the lightsaber with the hilt and the Llewyn Davis driving the X-wing and the Jell-O pudding, but only Savage Henry has received the second trailer for the soon-to-be-blockbuster film of 2015. Among the new trailer’s spoilers: * Good news: no nonsensical kid-friendly character like Jar Jar Binks. Instead, there is a new CGI sidekick named Scoopy T. Pillows, voiced by Chris Rock, who constantly rails against anti-abortion laws within the new Galactic Republic and rides a plasma unicycle to comedic effect.

* The new bad guy, Darth Jason, is played by none other than Nathan Lane, but he’s not the guy with the laser hilt. That would be his apprentice, Darth Remp Scorpolberger, an at-risk urban youth who finds the laser-hilted lightsaber in his local McDonald’s men’s room while attempting to shoot up. * The inciting event in the film’s continuity is the viral release of a new Beyonce album, which throws the Galactic Republic’s music industry into predictable turmoil. Beyonce sponsor McDonald’s rushes to release not-yet-ready Happy Meal Beyonce action figures before they have been perfected, relying on shoddy Chinese labor and subpar materials, resulting in cancerous toys that bring the Republican party to froth, causing the government to declare (pls see my libertarian newsletter for the remainder of this 7,500-word paragraph)

The burrito shop your mamma warned you about

1642 1/2 G Street, Arcata

(707) 822-8433 Open Daily

we Dare ya to try our paste of death

Monday - Friday 9:00 AM - 10:00 PM Saturday - Sunday 10:00 AM - 10:00 PM 12

* The McRib is back. Not just like it normally is, once a year, but like permanently back. In the Star Wars universe, the McRib is back permanently. All the Star Wars guys can get a McRib whenever. * The Monopoly game at McDonald’s gives away over $3,000,000 a year in monetary and prize amounts, plus an additional $1,000,000 to charitable organizations in the game’s name. Please go to http:// McDonalds/monopoly.html for more info. * McDonald’s now uses only 100% all-beef patties and 100% chicken meat in their entrees, despite undermining claims to the contrary. McDonald’s is also now locally sourcing all beef, potato, and chicken products, to bring the freshest taste to every McDonald’s table, every time. McDonald’s. I’m lovin’ it.

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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. For all who don’t know, the hamlet of “Jacoby Creek” in Bayside, Ca is a desirable and pricey area with sought-after real estate. The house my husband and I lived in must have been the slave quarters of the neighboring home (which happened to belong to John Stamos’ aunt and uncle) because it was a pile of shit I kept trying to coat in latex paint. “You can’t paint a turd,” my dad always says. “Really? Then why do they know me by name at the paint store?” Down the hill, a very steep hill, ran a beautiful but turbid creek, aptly if not creatively named “Jacoby Creek.” Pregnant and with a toddler, I would escape the turd and sit on the banks of the creek thinking, “Well, at least there’s this.”

Sarah Godlin, staff

Coinstar was my robot boyfriend.

My husband worked at a new indoor skatepark for which he was supposed to be paid. Until that magical unicorn of a day came, we lived on my credit card. Like a unicorn who isn’t attracted to its mate, it never came. It was OK. We were poor but I could cook from scratch and we used cloth diapers. The toddler wasn’t exactly a financial burden since I was manufacturing most of her food in my bodybottles. Then the water stopped. The only redeeming quality about our house, the creek, was also the only source of water and the pump system from the 50s had broken. His family, not rich by any means, owned the house. There was no “Hey, landlord! Fix my water!” Months. Months and months of filling rain buckets to heat up to wash babies and diapers. Months of schlepping down to the creek and up for water to flush the toilet. Months of greasy hair and tepid whore baths. It was 3rd world. It was like Appalachia all up in there. Except for in Appalachia there weren't rich neighbors tisking at the line dried diapers when they jogged by your shack. It occurred to me at one point as I poked the porch overhang with a stick so rain water would pour down into a bucket, that if someone knew I was walking so far for water they might take my child away. I was a college graduate! What happened to my life? I swallowed my pride and borrowed three grand from my parents. Though we fixed the water, the situation didn’t get better. Coinstar was my robot boyfriend. It looked like it would have stayed that way forever. It didn’t, though, because I took the baby and left. Mostly for other reasons. I have never thought about water the same way. It is precious and I thank the water gods every time it spills forth from my tap like the magical jizz of a beautiful, rainbow-tailed unicorn. Off, ON! Off, ON! Whenever you want it! Hot or cold, ma'am? Now THAT is magic. 14

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HUMBOLDT ROLLER DERBY REDWOOD ACRES FAIRGROUNDS

DOUBLE HEADER HRD's Saplings face off in a black vs white game PLUS HRD's Widow Makers take on TBD

Saturday

February Auto Black-Out Greenhouse Light Deprivation Systems Prices starting at around $5,000

530-215-5670 www.emeraldkingdomgreenhouse.com

Doors 5pm Games 6pm

Local Ticket Outlets People’s Records, Wildberries, The Works, Stil

SEASON PASSES AND TICKETS HUMBOLDTROLLERDERBY.COM

What’s In the Crack Pipe This Month? HAVING BABIES

Obama gives you a grand tax credit per kid, so keep ‘em coming. Also, it’s fun making them. -SG

IN ADVANCE $15 AT THE DOOR

Barely Eatin’, Still Tweetin A homeless man’s mission to stay on top of social media. Peety Timms, contributor Pump pump lickashot, ya know? I gotta make this fast because the guy that left his laptop open while he had to go to bathroom could be back at any second. So, whuddit dizzle?! Y'all know me. Coolin' at the corner of this fly ass coffeeshop. Sippin’ a spilled americano, lookin' out for y'all through my rimless glasses, because I traded the lenses for heat up my rocks! Keepin' my feet to the street for y'all on my re-salvaged Chuckie t's. I got my priorities on lock, kiddie kats. Break me off a piece of WHAT'S REAL, U KNOW? Admittedly, I can't tell if I’m being fresh as fuck or if my late 20s onset dementia is catching up, or if the fact that I haven't remembered to eat in six days or look for a job in two years is taking its toll Free spirit ISO BBW for some bathtub fun. You host. because I only seek out screens to give shout outs. AY SUP, PIMPAH'S BRONYONY. You know how it goes. So does my stuffed animal Sparky P. Truth. I thought snapbacks were cars. Turns out they're keeping my dome warm while I cry myself to sleep outside every night. NAH SON, I ain't sad! I just can't afford water! Collect them tears, drink the pain away. Feel me? Do you? Shit, B, I can't feel me! Man, eating cigarette butts is HELLA TUFF on your immune system. I can't remember the taste of feelings, the smell of knowledge, or bitches. I haven't tumbled a tum, twatted a tweet, faced my fears, or a book, since, like, rom dot com lost his prezzy bid against barry bama. Are you eating my toaster? That's MY toaster! Helllllll gnaw, man, I'm trying to bubble like 5th grade volcano project in dizz biiiiiiitch. Shout out to my man Bieber. Gary Bieber. He gave me a piece of advice a while back that I traded for the REALNESS. Here's a riddle, how can you stay fresh even if you have no home? Answer, try and claw your way into a Subway restaurant at 4 am! FRESH, BOI! HOVAH! TMZ ain't got a gat on this handsome cat. I'ma steal this fool’s computer. RT if you like that, “like” that if you RT'd it. Guess what? I'm a rebel. I'm talkin' rebel like I reduce shit to rebel. Spell check is telling me it's “rubble” that I'm after. Well I say spell check needs to check its OWN damn self. Feel me? Do you... feel me? Please feel me. I'm so alone. I'm also cold. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 17

What Rich People Know That YOU Don’t! Don’t know if you’re rich or not? Look around, is there a fountain in your walk-in closet? Are you sitting on a tiger? Is there an Iron Man suit on your body? If the answer to any of these questions is no then you’re probably a dumb, broke-ass loser. But don’t worry, I know the secrets that the rich don’t WANT you to know! Every rich person knows a little bit more about how to get rich then you do, that’s why they’re rich and you’re not. But not for long, so quit your job and start acting out with drugs and alcohol cuz you’re about to get rich once you understand these insider secrets.

Cornell Reid, staff

MONEY: Money is actually not just the paper and coin that you and i think it is. It’s also a card. Yeah, that’s right! Plastic pays a big part in money. For instance gift cards to McDonalds don’t come on paper and certainly don’t come in the coin variety, they come in plastic and that is how these Donald Trumps and Mark Cubans carry most of their money. Now do they have all their money on gift cards to McDonalds? No! Obviously not. They diversify you dummies! They’ve got McDs, Burger King, Carl's Jr, even a few Gamestop gift cards too! You look at their wallets and you go, “Hey Donald Sterling, are you really going to buy $4.5 billion worth of stuff at Bed Bath & Beyond?” and they go “You don’t know the stock market. The shares on the public sale of Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards is currently in a bull market.” Wow, eye opening stuff! I know that might not mean much to you lamens but that’s what I’m here for. THE MARKETS: We all know there are two markets, the bull market and the bear market.

Offer good until February 28, 2015

Now which one do you shop in? Well it’s obvious, buy low sell high. Since bulls are lower than bears being that they’re always on all 4s you gotta buy the bulls. Sell the bears because really they’re kinda hard to keep a hold on and they’re actually quite a ferocious animal. At least with bulls you can mate them with cows and like make some milk or something. Bears have no interest in boning a cow. It’s really pretty sad and it devastates the cows self-confidence. Guess what, once your cow loses its confidence then your portfolio is 100% manure.

INSIDER TRADING: Let’s face it, insider trading is cool. If you know someone that’s like “Hey, I have a secret!” listen intently. Then at a later date you take that secret inside knowledge and you trade it for cash. For instance, if you’re hanging out with your pal Tyler and he’s like “Hey dude, how are you?” you just say “I’m fine thanks. Hey do you have any inside information?” And he’ll most likely be like, “Oh yeah, hmm let me think, well I think I chipped a tooth yesterday.” Then you go “Wow interesting!” and then he’ll go “Yeah it really hurt, also Apple is buying Beats by Dre for 4.2 billion dollars tomorrow.” Then you use that information and trade it on the inside for big $$$. That’s how Martha Stewart did it! BLAMMO! You’re rich now. You’re welcome.

Meme by Dutch Savage

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Excruciatingly Thoughtful Responses to Financial Lyrics “It ain’t me, I ain’t no millionaire’s son” - At a net worth of 145 million, John Fogerty couldn’t share 1% of it to support the very parents that raised him.

William Toblerone, contributor

“Well we ain’t got a barrel of money” - It was dumb enough to put our life savings in a barrel, but it was just plain reckless to throw it at that Italian plumber with the big-ass hammer. “There’ll be pennies from heaven...” - This is a real slap in the face to those who tithe faithfully. Let’s not forget that 71% of the earth is covered in water, leaving great sums of money wasted on the floor of the sea. Would pennies from Jesus Christ be called JC Pennies? (I’ll be here all week.) “She got the goldmine, I got the shaft” - Think for a minute here, buddy. The shaft is the only entrance to the goldmine, and excavating a new tunnel would be monstrously expensive. Use your leverage to demand no less than 50% of the take from the gold mine to which you enjoy exclusive access. “Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap” - My bad. I totally would have hired you but I thought you were barking about “Dirty Dean and the Thunder Chief.” You know, that Stallone/Bronson flick. “Money, it’s a drag” – Roger Waters gave away all of his wealth to become one of the world’s greatest philanthropists. Just kidding. He bought a shitload of exotic cars and a giant yacht. Ironically, to meet the extensive travel demands of the 2011 tour of “The Wall Live,” he decided he did actually “need a Learjet.” Even King Lear couldn’t afford a LearJet! (Again, here all week) “Them belly full but we hungry” - Bob Marley wrote this line as a tribute to his ravenous appetite at massive allnight Vegas buffets. An unapologetic glutton. “I’ve got my love to keep me warm” - This sounds like a pure testament to the power of affection, but I can tell you first hand it’s a cruel melody for a middle class mom to sing to a child who is asking if it might be possible to turn the heat up just a little past 45 degrees in the middle of January. “I ain’t broke, but brother I’m badly bent” You obviously don’t understand cause and effect. You’re badly bent because you failed repay your debt to Demetrio the Damager, which happened because you’re broke. Furthermore, the X-rays show that he bent you so much that you actually broke. Told you not to put five grand on the Bengals. 20

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Will Beg for Money 2014's hottest trend was butts. As much as we all wish that the reign of butts could continue in 2015, The Laws of Trendiness clearly state that “each trend may only remain popular in the calendar year in which it like, totally blew up. Further, said trend shall refrain from re-appearing in popular culture for the following periods: No less than 10 years for ironic re-emergence and no less than 20 years for sincere re-emergence.”

Isaac Kozell, staff

So, the bad is news is butts are out. The good news? There is no good news. Again, from The Laws of Trendiness, “The hottest trend must alternate from awesome to shitty with each change of year. If the prior year's hottest trend was awesome, the current year's hottest trend must be shitty.” Sorry, them's the rules.

The question now is, what will this year's shitty hottest trend be? I have a prediction and you're not going to like it. Electronic-begging. The hottest trend of 2015 will be unabashed, straight-up e-begging. I'm not talking about legitimate, organized charitable efforts. What I'm talking about are perfectly capable 20 and thirtysomethings who treat their social media circles like their own personal Kickstarters. Here are a few of the non-worthy causes I've been asked to contribute to so far this year:

- A small-town comedian trying to crowdfund $6,000 so he can move to L.A. to pursue his dream of making it big. According to his mission statement, the scene in his town “could be better” and “the struggle is real.” Donor perks include never seeing your money again and the promise that he won't let you down. - A dude asking for someone to pay his cell phone bill because, you know, times are tough and a boy needs unfettered access to unlimited talk, text and data. Donor perks include the satisfaction of paying someone's else phone bill and getting to see more of his great status updates.

- A couple posting their PayPal info with a request for “anything you can give” because they were shitty human beings who burned every bridge in their city and had to move to a more affordable town that provides “zero job opportunities.” “Zero job opportunities” translates to them not wanting to do anything they perceive to be beneath them, like physical labor or hourly wage jobs. Donor perks include “good karma” and the knowledge that they'll be able to keep their leased BMW.

Here's my solution: DON'T GIVE THEM ANY MONEY. That's it. Simple and effective.

If doing standup is really your dream, work for it. Don't ask for handouts. No one will respect you and people don't support comedians they don't respect. Except for Carrot Top. Somehow he channels that lack of respect and turns it into pure, muscle-bound Las Vegas entertainment.

If you can't pay your cell phone bill, guess what? You will have to go without a phone. Why not train some pigeons to carry messages for you? Pigeons are free and make great companions. If you can't find work that fits your lifestyle, then your lifestyle is a farce and everyone knows it but you. Sell everything. Learn to enjoy free stuff like walks in the park, grocery store samples and crying in the shower. Make existential doubt your full time job.

The sooner we put e-begging behind us, the sooner we can set our sights toward 2016, when an awesome hottest trend will take the number one spot. I'm hoping for COED NAKED shirts. 22

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You Ain’t Broke

Lucy Castle, contributor

There's a vast difference between barely making new car payments and having actual wolves howling outside your tar-paper shack while you stuff your boots with old copies of Playboy to keep your feet warm. You have an active bank account -- If you're down to your last few hundred dollars in your checking account, and would rather not have to transfer the thousands in your savings account unless it's an emergency -- you ain't broke.

You're a collector -- There's a contractor bag in your garage stuffed

with Beanie Babies, Barbies of the World, a set of Depression glass and a coin card of all 50 U.S. states' quarters. E-bay that shit. You ain't broke.

You have a change jar -- Maybe you're on your way to CoinStar right now to cash out your change, but you haven't dug through your couch cushions and car seats yet, nor have you asked your friends if you can also dig through their car seats and ashtrays for change, either. You ain't broke. Dumpster Dive --There's a hipster restaurant in Oakland that has "compost salad" on the menu, from the owner's cool dumpster-diving times. They harvest greens from their kitchen garden and leave them at room temperature for a few days until the greens are wilted and decomposing, and serve them for $9 a plate. You can also post up at the dumpster behind Safeway and find dented cans of food and dry bread loaves and moldy cheese (cut the edges off) and create a pop-up restaurant for you and your family.

You have pets --The food chain starts here. You eat your pet's food first, and then you eat your pets. Fish, snakes, hamsters, cats, dogs, horses. It's not like developing countries don't also raise animals to eat. You use public transportation -- Maybe

you just scrounged the last of your change, and you're on the bus, and feeling cute. Cast about -- look around for someone who seems lonely and might have money to spare, and act all cute and make a date for a quickie, and finish the job by saying, "I was only riding the bus because my car's in the shop, and man -- these new car payments have made me broke, so..."

Meme by Dutch Savage 24

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ratings: The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.

Album of the Month Body Count – Manslaughter (Sumerian Records) Dutch Savage, staff The heavy metal band fronted by Ice “motherfuckin’” T is back on the rock scene, and in a big “motherfuckin’” way. The leadoff track, “Talk Shit, Get Shot,” is as catchy as it is heavy, with Ice yelling about a “motherfucker (who) hadn’t got shot in a while,” for acting “hard motherfucker” (the video on YouTube is pretty ridiculous). From there we learn to “Pray For Death” as Ice tortures us in a grisly fashion, there’s a rehash of the old “99 Problems” track from the past (Jay-Z stole the line from Ice-T’s 1993 ‘Home Invasion’ LP), and we are warned to go “Back To Rehab” and to “Get A Job.” Metal dude Jamey Jasta (not a very metal dude sounding name) makes an appearance on the mainstream media-ripping track “Pop Bubble” (not a very metal song sounding name), and the cover of Suicidal Tendencies classic “Institutionalized” isn’t the pathetic joke that you might think it would be. On this track Ice makes up his own hilarious stories about trying to play Xbox in peace and vegans harassing him during his lunch break at work, which fill in the gaps between the familiar Mike Muir complaints. Other tracks include “Enter The Dark Side,” “Bitch In The Pit,” “Black Voodoo Sex” (which is a continuation of the song “Voodoo” from the first LP), “Wanna Be a Gangsta” (making fun of dumb suburban kids who think gangs are cool), “I Will Always Love You” (which is not about bitches but about American vets of war), the title track, of course, and an unlisted “rock version” of “99 Problems” finish off the disc.

Sleater-Kinney - No Cities to Love Corin Balkovek, contributor When a band releases an album after a long hiatus, there are generally two (unfortunate) ways it can go: either they try to recreate their original sound and seem outdated, or they try to create something new and lose their identity. So when I heard that Sleater-Kinney (my all-time favorite band as a 90s suburban teen*) had a new album, I was damn nervous. But, guys? It’s good. So, so, good. From the first track, it’s clear that the band is right where they should be. The original elements are still there, but with years of experience under their belt. These aren’t songs sung by a band trying to sound like or appeal to 20 year-olds; these are songs by grownass women and I for one am damn glad they’re back. * No joke: I first read about them in Rolling Stone and bought their CD at Circuit City because the lead singer’s name was the same as mine. It doesn’t get more suburban or 90s than that. Rating:11 out of 12 cans of PBR!

This album, Body Count’s fifth in about 25 years, is the most serious (and by far the bestproduced) album they have ever released. The humor that Ice-T has brought to the table on earlier records is still present, but it works to lighten up the mood at certain moments of the record. This, coupled with the Slayer double-kick drums and Slayer/Sabbath-riffing guitars, deep heavy bass, and usually pissed-off vocals prove that in 2015, Body Count is still in the house. Motherfucker. Rating: 12 cans of PBR! Continued next page... 26

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 27

Album Reviews, continued from previous page

“Oh honeybear, honeybear, honeybear / Mascara, blood, ash, and cum / On the Rorschach sheets where we make love.” So starts the new album from Father John Misty, AKA J. Tillman, I Love You Honeybear. The lyrics unfold the more you listen, oscillating between profound depth and shallow chit-chat. Seething with tumultuous relationships, some overflow with unconditional love and some drip with narcissism and irritation. The album involves many genres in its indie sound, yet tastes like a smoky lounge band. Tillman’s voice is not the richest, but he gives it his all and makes it emotionally-infused and interesting. Tillman writes, “My ambition…was to address the sensuality of fear, the terrifying force of love, the unutterable pleasures of true intimacy, and the destruction of emotional and intellectual prisons in my own voice. Blammo.” I don’t know if he accomplishes all that, but I feel his ambition and it makes for an enjoyable album. Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR!

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Campfire Cassettes - GosLebrock Samantha Gilweit, contributor What would you get if the Mountain Goats, Jonathan Richman, Elliot Smith and a dirty crack addicted clown all fucked? Quite possibly GosLebrock, the latest album from Campfire Cassettes. The Cassettes describe themselves as “a 4 piece indie folk band that plays quick quirky songs that will get stuck in your head.” The interplay between classic folk strumming patterns and raunchy humor is a delight. But there are 24 tracks on GosLebrock. TWENTY FOUR FUCKING SONGS. Nothing gets stuck in your head and, unfortunately, the tracks start bleeding together. Undoubtedly, this is an entertaining band. You don’t write songs titled, “Fuck You Like a Ukelele” and not be of benefit to society. This band would be great to see live, preferably postthree shots of whisky and pre-drunken sex. But should you play this album on a long road trip? No, the songs need to develop and start hitting more than skin deep for that to happen. Rating: 9 out of 12 Cans of PBR!

Interested in writing music reviews? Or getting your album reviewed? Contact Savage Henry’s Music Editor Ben Allen at ballen@savagehenrymagazine.com

Father John Misty - I Love You Honeybear Rosa Green, contributor

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10 Ben’s Volume LVIII: Broke-Ass Rockstars Ben Allen, music editor Sly Stone Years of bad financial planning and excess left the former 70s star practically homeless. In 2010 he was living in a van in Crenshaw, smoking PCP, and continually rambling incoherently. Courtney Love Love has claimed that somehow $530 million of her fortune from Kurt Cobain's estate has been stolen. A more likely explanation would suggest she took the money, rented a house in a tropical locale, consumed copious amounts of narcotics, and created more of her barely-listenable music. Chuck Berry Berry spent a good portion of his fortune on crack, underage Thai prostitutes, and champagne. By 1988, he was so destitute he was forced to sell off all the footage he recorded of women urinating in his restaurant, The Southern Air. Golden shower lovers rejoice! Scott Stapp Perhaps as a form of Karma for fronting the most vanilla schlock-rock band of the 90s, Stapp has recently claimed he's broke and sleeping in his truck. He also thinks the CIA has hired him to kill Obama, so I'm guessing there's some heavy drug use going on. Chan Marshall Due to depression issues, Chan has had large periods of inactivity. She had to cash a bond in order to buy the equipment to record her latest, 2010's Sun. Goo Goo Dolls The Goo Goo's got fucked by Warner Brothers. Despite selling millions of their hit record Dizzy Up the Girl, they were unable to recoup on their advance. I’d feel bad for them, but their music makes me want stab myself in the ear with a rusty knife. Pete Doherty Living the life of a crackhead rockstar can be a challenge. Notorious narcotic vacuum Pete Doherty learned this the hard way. In 2010 he was forced to play solo acoustic shows in tiny venues just to afford a shithole basement apartment. Luckily for Pete, the Libertines have since reunited and are playing festivals, raking in the bucks. Rick James James suffered from a severe form of poverty known as moral bankruptcy. His super freaky ways led him into a downward spiral of addiction and irresponsible behavior. Remember, kids, “cocaine is a hell of a drug!” Bono Although Bono isn’t broke, he should be for being such a selfimportant, dick-cheeseburger!

Gary Glitter Glitter's earnings from his briefly successful recording career were all spent on plane tickets to Vietnam, where he repeatedly performed indecent acts on minors. A registered chi-mo, he now works as a janitor, cleaning the jack-off booths at his local porn shop. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 31

TOP 10 BEST THINGS ABOUT LIVING IN POVERTY!!!

Butch Escobar, contributor

About a year ago I was living in a luxury highrise in Downtown San Jose. I felt at 32 years of age I was ready to strike out on my own and move out of my dad’s house. Now I live in a studio apartment in a quaint little neighborhood known as the "Murder Dubs" in East Oakland. So I found a few ways to make poverty suck a little less. 1. No pesky recycling program to deal with here. It all goes into the dumpster under my bedroom window, and people come and fish it out at 4 a.m.

2. You know that shotgun you bought at 18 but got bored with after a year of shooting bottles and bowling pins? Well, get that puppy ready, ‘cause times are tuff. And crackheads will steal your shit. 3. Prescription? None needed on the corner pharmacy by my place. Just knock twice and say you’re not a cop. Or was that for the dating service?

4. Dating! It’s easy. There are plenty of women walking the "track" all dressed and ready for a night (or half hour to 15 min) on the town. (Prices may vary.)

5. Entertainment! Save your money and skip cable. Crackheads in Oakland make Walking Dead zombies look like productive citizens. 6. Public Transportation! A hotel, bathroom, and limo service all rolled into one. 7. Public Assistance! Nowhere to park that pesky, well-running car? Don't worry, leave it in the same parking spot for a week and the city will come and remove it for you. 8. Smog Checks? No problem. Jesus (nonbiblical) is a friend of my cousin’s. He’ll make sure your pile of shit passes smog.

9. Abundance! Liquor stores on every corner. All the blunt wraps (every flavor of grape) and Red Bull you can dream of.

10. Health! Drink up! "Brown water means it has healthy minerals," according to my landlord. 11. Safety! Nothing’s getting by the neighbor’s pitbull that’s tied up in front of my parking space. Not even me. 32

12. Real fear! None of that fake fear they shove up your ass on Fox News. No ISIS here! Just people killing each other over drugs and pussy.

13. Free health care! Give ‘em a fake name at the E.R. By the time they find out, you'll be long gone, popping Norcos for those headaches you get from Medical Marijuana. 14. No car insurance? No problem. The other guy doesn’t have it, either..

15. Privilege! You can't get crack like this in Beverly Hills. 16. Music! "I can't afford a stereo system." No problem, Rodrigo next door has enough bass for both of you. And according to his oversized ranch truck, he likes roosters and is from Sinaloa.

17. Amenities! Why go to the gym for a sauna? Your apartment turns into one 3 months out of the year.

18. Culture and tradition! Join the local social club by getting jumped in by the homies. I have not tried this but I heard a ceremony happen last night. EXCITING! 19. Art! Sick of painting that fence bondo gray once a year? Don't worry, the little rascals in your neighborhood like Casper and Crazy Face will keep you painting that fence all year long. 20. Gum jobs! (Dont ask.)*

*Ed note: I did ask. Google. Really, folks, don’t ask.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 33

Top Excuses for Poverty

Brandon Garner, contributor

Poverty is one of the most widespread tragedies in human history, largely because it’s so difficult to find the disaster’s source. Thanks to this inherent vagueness, people find scapegoats for their self-inflicted financial woes whenever they end up on the short end of the money-stick. Everyone’s been guilty at least once, myself included. Here are the top three excuses I’ve found in my research (my Timehop updates) that the layman (me) uses for their financial woes.

1) Video games

The cost of games these days is breaking my wallet faster than Kim Kardashian broke the Internet. Why? I remember back in the day when someone would pay $20 for one game and I would have a great time. Or was it $30? Either way, I’m positive my parents spent way more money on my toys than I’m spending right now. I could investigate how to be more responsible, but Jon and Kate Plus 8 is on.

2) Alcohol

I’m a man who likes to have a good time, often to the point where it devolves into a bad time. Ingesting this great nectar has caused me to make some of the greatest purchases I’ve ever made, like the entire TMNT cartoon series on DVD, and some of the worst purchases, like a gift for my ex. Yes, I probably should have just bookmarked those Etsy pages when I found them after 1 a.m. but then I wouldn’t have the satisfaction of ordering some Elven ear cuffs, forgetting about them, and sobbing when the UPS guy shows up at my door. Some things are priceless. For everything else, there’s refunds/Mastercard/corporate embezzlement.

3) 9/11

Terrorists are real and probably terrorized your money right out of your pockets.

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It’s “Emergency!” Credit Card A lot of people are careful with their money and a lot of people aren’t, but mostly everyone needs a little help from a credit card. Once in a while it’s nice to spend the money you technically don’t have. To help yourself feel less guilty, call this card your “emergency” credit card. The first step in this process is to gain an extremely loose sense of the word emergency. What’s an emergency? In the dictionary it’s “a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate attention.” Literally anything can be an emergency if YOU feel it’s serious, unexpected, or if it requires immediate attention. One really important thing that needs immediate attention is YOU. Think of your life as a series of small emergencies and use your credit card. Just ignore your credit score.

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Are you hungry for tacos? Sounds like an emergency. Do you NEED a latte? Emergency. Do you WANT to go on vacation? Emergency! Did you just find that item you’ve been pining over for days on the Internet? Is it galaxy print? Call 911. Are those the last pair of sneakers AND they're in your size? Are they on sale? Are they one sale from 100 dollars down to 30 dollars? Are they covered in glitter? Do I even have to say it? Emergency. Transportation can be an emergency too. Take a cab if you NEED a cab. Emergency credit cards are acceptable for online shopping. Make sure to yell, “IT’S AN EMERGENCY!” at your computer when shopping online, or at the cashier if in real life. Yelling makes it more believable, but it should be believable because it’s clearly a real emergency and requires immediate attention from your credit card. Maybe you have a job in customer service and your paycheck is comparable to a handful of dirt. This is why you have an emergency credit card. It’s because you’re poor. You’re probably thinking, “If I’m poor, how am I going to pay off all of these pertinent ‘emergencies?’” Well, you probably won’t. You could attempt to get rich and famous to pay off your credit card debt. However, you should just be responsible and pay off like $40 a month. That will help with some of the guilt and it should cover you until you die. Death is actually an emergency, though, so you’ll just have to put that on your card, too.

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Less Money, Less Problems

Keith D, contributor

If everything the Notorious B.I.G. said is true, and I believe it was, then extrapolating from “Mo money, mo problems”, one arrives at: Less money = Less problems.

Here are problems poor people don’t have to worry about:

1. 401(k)s

I don’t even know what it is. 401,000? Whatever it is, it sure seems to have rich and middle class people stressing out.

2. Credit Scores

Fuck you, various collection agencies who call me; credit scores are an imaginary fucking number. You can’t scare the poor with it because we don’t need loans. We know we’re never gonna buy a house or start a business.

3. Burglaries

If anyone tries to rob my house, they’ll just be cleaning it for free. That’s right, in the poor world we got Maid Burglars.

4. Identity Theft

Having horrible credit and no money in the bank protects you from identity theft. Think I’m lying? My social security number is 066-76-7952. Come at me, Identity Thieves. @RealKeithDirty

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Monthly Confession

Dumpster Dive with Dignity

Adam Jacobs, contributor

It’s hard out here for a pimp, so imagine how hard it is for an underemployed comedian living in a big city. Week to week we struggle to make ends meet, so some of us are forced to “go shopping” in less traditional ways. Some people work second jobs to put food on their family’s tables, and the rest of us just eat garbage. Recycling is encouraged, but for some reason dumpster diving is frowned upon. Here is my divine guide to dumpster diving with dignity, you fellow dirtbags.

Rule #1 Don’t dive where you reside.

Respect your neighbor’s privacy and stay outta their garbage. Instead, make up some bullshit about donating recycling to charity, put up a sign by the mailbox… they will literally give you all the goods. Plus, do you really want that hot coed next door to see you rooting through her sexy-ass garbage?

Rule #2 Don’t wear a mask I have a fake Facebook account for Candy Crush.

You aren’t the Hamburglar and you aren’t breaking the law, so ditch the mask and dive with your head held high -- also, breathe deep and get high on the insane combination of possibly lethal fumes.

Rule #3 Rich people have rich garbage

This is pretty self-explanatory, ya dingus: stay outta your poor-ass neighborhood and head to the “nice” part of town. In my experience, rich people don’t give a fuck and just throw hella good stuff away. Same rule goes for Halloween. Big houses = BIG CANDY BARS.

Rule #4 Dumpster diving restaurants gets dirty

Prepare to have marinara sauce up in your nether regions. Restaurant dumpsters are the worst: prepared food all mixed together, old mixed with new, rats and other critters; yet that combination of aromas is quite enticing. Just dive in headfirst with mouth open if you are adventurous; a delightful mouthful awaits.

Rule #5 Grocery stores are goldmines -Not SG, ok?

The best bet for food is always grocery stores, because those dipshits throw everything away. Don’t look at expiration dates; those are for normies… us dumpster-divers live by a different code, which is basically a code where expiration dates don’t stop us from eating expired meat.

Rule #6 Street furniture is dope but most likely infested with bugs

Wood and metal furniture found on the street is fine, but almost everything with fabric can or will kill you. Bed bugs are the worst, so my advice is set that motherfucking couch ablaze. Whatever isn’t torched is cool to bring inside.

Now you can dive with dignity and be proud of your dirtbaggery. 40

Meme by Dutch Savage

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 41

A Human Cartoon in a Little Patch of Sunlight - The Josh Androsky Interview

Isaac Kozell, staff

Our favorite uh-oh boy and Savage Henry Fest veteran Josh Androsky has been pretty damn busy these last few months. In addition to his regular contributions to VICE, Androsky is also penning original content for The Bold Italic, helping run great L.A. comedy shows like Babe Island and Entitlement and getting his sweet ass booked on festivals like the upcoming Green Gravel Comedy Festival in Iowa City. I talked to the one and only Skateboard Rabbi about the business of creativity, finding happiness in living with less, and mushrooms. Isaac Kozell: What are you working on right now?

Josh Androsky: I've had pretty much every style of facial hair, so I'm writing an article ranking my beards from worst to best. I've had everything from terrible Stanley Kubrick neck beard to the baseball-player-who-hits-hiswife goatee to the Errol Morris chin strap. IK: Do you feel like you're getting enough writing jobs to make ends meet?

JA: Technically, yes. But between the uncertainty of when I'm getting paid… like, some of these gigs don't pay for 90 days. I don't know if I'll be alive in three months. That makes it hard to get motivated. I need money now. It's different than stand-up. With stand-up you get instant validation. With writing, you sometimes don't see the tangible results for weeks. IK: It gets scary trying to balance an inconsistent pay schedule. You may have a period where you have plenty of work, but when you're not getting paid for three months, it's tough to keep producing content without seeing some return on your creative investment.

JA: The low spots for me aren't usually due to a lack of work. It's more often a lack of motivation, or a lack of ideas. You get into those points where you're like, “I suck. I'm not good at this.” Everyone has those moments, but it's still super fucked. 42

Photo by Dutch Savage JA: You've gotta just do it, which is so dumb and some of the least helpful advice you'll ever hear, but it's also 100% correct. You've just gotta do it. Even if it's bullshit that sucks, you've just got to start typing. In that, you'll find a little thread that you can start tugging at. You can't force yourself to write something good. But you can force yourself to write. Statistically, the more you write, the better your chances are of coming up with something good. Having a pattern helps. I'm in a little bit of a bind right now because I had patterned myself as a writer who would sit outside, smoke cigarettes, listen to music, and drink. The chair I used to write in outside got taken over by spiders. It got rained on and became a nest of horrors. But I still need to smoke and drink something out of either an aluminum can or a bottle. It's not alcohol now, but before I would grab a bottle of wine and just plug away. The hardest part of writing is sitting down and getting started. Anything that you can do to create shortcuts and trick your brain into thinking, “I'm already here,” will help. IK: How long have you been sober? JA: Almost five months.

IK: I know what you mean about having a good drink to write with. During the day, I like coffee. In the evening, I like a heavy beer or a whiskey. For you, alcohol was a key IK: How do you get yourself out of that funk? Continued next page... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 43

... continued from previous page component of your writing process. How did removing alcohol affect your productivity?

JA: At first, my productivity shot up a million percent. It has since regressed toward the mean. For one, not drinking wouldn't let me cloud myself. The act of selfexpression became way easier. Also, any huge life change that you go through inspires you. Then, as the feeling became more normal, it tapered a bit. I would say that I'm still way more productive now simply because I can't waste time as easily. It was so easy to kill time by going to a bar and drinking with friends. Now I can't justify going to a bar, so I have all of this extra time.

IK: In your stand-up, you have a very in-the-moment style where you will abandon prepared jokes in favor of creating something unique on the spot. Often, the decision to do that was fueled by alcohol. At the last Savage Henry Fest I recall one moment where we were talking before you went on stage and you said, “Wow, I'm so fucked up I can't even see you right now.” Then you hit the stage and did an audience participation game where you took suggestions of musical styles and themes and made up songs on the spot. It was hilarious. You're full of those kind of stories. How has your comedy changed since you've been off the sauce?

JA: It's definitely become more focused. The best sets I had before were all moments. If I wasn't blackout drunk on stage, I would at least not remember what I had said. I would just channel a weird, aggressive, effeminate, manic energy. When those things work, it's because everyone there feels like they are part of a unique moment. Whether it's what I did at Savage Henry Fest, or when I accidentally got into a beer chugging contest with a hotdog-eating champion in Chicago. Those were incredible moments that I can never replicate. That's where the problem is. Now that I'm sober… and by sober, I mean that I just quit drinking. I still smoke weed because I'm not a NARC. Put that in bold. I'M NOT A NARC. I'm realizing that I have to work harder at this. I have to write more jokes and hone stories. I'll never be the type of comedian who tells a story the same way twice, but I'm more focused in what I want to say. It's easier now to be consistently funny. I would like to get back to that, though. I need to figure out how to trigger it without being drunk. I think it's going to require me to do a shit ton more sets and get more comfortable on stage. IK: How long have you been doing stand-up? JA: Five years.

IK: You were involved in entertainment before you started comedy, right?

JA: Totally! When I was 19 and got my first gig producing reality shows, I went out and leased a black Mustang with a silver racing stripe. I was like, “Aw yeah, let's go to Vegas.” What a dick! What a shitty Entourage thing to do. I'm lucky to be in a position now where I've pared my life down to where if I make some money, I'm set. And if I hit a lull, I know I'll still be ok.

IK: Being broke does offer a certain amount of freedom, as long as you're living simply and within your means. Having more time for creative things is better than having a bunch of money, in my opinion. It's being crushed by debt and unnecessary expenses that kills my creativity.

Photo by Sam Varela JA: Yeah. I was born and raised in L.A. My dad was a producer. He's not a big name guy. If you think of L.A. as a mining town, he's more like a middleclass guy who just happens to create TV shows. IK: What was your first job?

JA: My first job was when I was a teen. I was a production assistant on the Mrs. America Pageant at the Hilton Hotel in Las Vegas. I was 15 and the smallest amount of responsibility that I was given I immediately fucked up. I just went to the arcade in shame. It's been pretty much like that ever since. The first writing gig I got was when I wrote jokes for this awful poker tournament that took place at a titty resort, like one of those hedonism places. I dropped out of high school. I knew I wanted to be involved in entertainment, so I didn't go to college, which was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I was lucky enough to be born in a city that I wanted to work in, with work that didn't require me to go to college. Not having student debt is great and it allows me to do things like go on the road and tour.

JA: I've taken the opportunities that I've been fortunate to receive and parlay them into a nice little life that isn't a constant source of stress. I live in a small house that's nestled between two other houses. I live with the love of my life and my cat. What if I would have said, “I live with the love of my life and my girlfriend?” It's perfect. I get up in the morning, walk out to a little patch of sunlight, have a cigarette and decide what I want to write that day. IK: That's not bad at all. Have you ever done anything out of desperation, like something risky, because you were so broke? For instance, I often fantasize about robbing a bank. When you live simply, one good bank job could set you up for life. I watched The Place Beyond the Pines and thought, “I should get a dirtbike and try this.” Have you ever flirted with the idea of doing something unsavory for money?

JA: Sure, dude. When I was like, 17 or 18, I was working at The Cheesecake Factory. I was so broke that I would reach out to every single relative I had just to get the extra $70-$80 I needed to make rent. I was living on Honey Nut Cheerios. I still can't eat Honey Nut Cheerios. I was at The

Follow Josh on Twitter @ShutUpAndrosky

Cheesecake Factory at The Grove. It was like being a waiter at The Holocaust. I was serving the people who were killing me.

IK: The Grove is like The Cheesecake Factory of malls. IK: The theme for this issue is poverty. I don't personally JA: Yeah. I had to quit. I was like, “I know what I'll do. know any writers or comics who are making big bucks I'll sell drugs! That would be rad.” I called in favors, sold right now. In fact, most people I know are barely getting a bunch of shit and scraped together about $200 and spent by. But there is something great about that shared experience. I used to work for Clear Channel Radio. I was it all on mushrooms. The weed market was already too saturated, so I didn't want to get into that game. Nobody climbing the ladder within the company. The only thing could ever find mushrooms, so I went for that. I bought that making more money from a corporate job prompted $200 worth of mushrooms and started selling them, but I me to do was spend more money and try to keep up with the status set by other people at my level in the corporate felt bad overcharging my friends. I sold two bags, made world. More money just meant more things. about $5 in profit and ended up eating the rest myself. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 45

Gold Plating Your Baby:

The Do’s and Don’ts of Money Management

Josh Argyle, staff

The following is a transcript from the NFL rookie symposium about money management given by former coach Herman “Herm” Edwards.

Herm Edwards: Congratulations, gentlemen, you all are pros. However, your career could end in the blink of an eye, whether it’s an injury on the field or one of the league’s many strip club-related injuries. YOU NEED TO INVEST WISELY! Can we cue up the slide show? The slides you are about to see are examples of poor money management. Take note, gentlemen. First slide, please? This is a super yacht. It is a yacht with a yacht on it pulled by a yacht and inside a fourth yacht made of gold with the words “totally not doing drugs” written on it. Next slide, please? This is a “grill what you kill” restaurant. Sounds harmless, right? Unfortunately, it serves the most dangerous game. For the last time, guys, you cannot kill and grill PEOPLE, GOD DAMNIT! Next slide, please? This is a shot-for-shot remake of the film Citizen Kane where hip-hop legend Big Daddy Kane plays every part, Nutty Professor-style. The final cost was 400 million dollars. Next slide, please? This, gentlemen, is a platinum and diamond necklace with the phrase “Investigate 911” on it. Next slide! This is a flyer for an event called “Maurice’s fuck it lets light money on fire party.” It also reads “18 and over, but seriously, we don’t care, come on in.” Next! This, fellas is a picture of high-stakes, winner-takeall underground monkey knife fights. The flyer reads “two monkeys enter, one monkey leaves and you keep your mouth shut and be cool.” Next! This is a theme park called Cocaine World. (sighs) Yes, it is an entire theme park made of cocaine. Next! Buying the rights to the movie Top Gun to try to cut out the homoerotic parts. It costs 200 million dollars and is also IMPOSSIBLE! Final slide, please? This is what happens when you try to play God, gentlemen. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT! Try to clone dinosaurs using technology from Jurassic Park. It costs 130 million dollars and you will be eaten by Velociraptors. Good luck out there, and welcome to the NFL.

Tattoos of the Month Only busters pay for their tattoos. Make your ink work for you. -SG 46

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COMING IN 2015

The Edible Diaries

Billy Wayne Davis, contributor

ed note - This is a new ongoing column from comedian Billy Wayne Davis about his adventures after being given a “tub” of edibles by a comedy fan after performing in Humboldt in October. It will run every month until he returns for the 4th Annual Savage Henry Magazine Comedy Festival in late August.

First thangs first, I want to apologize for missing the last issue. I was HIGH as and/or on the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION, just taking in the view and listening to Sturgill Simpson. My bad ya’ll, I spaced.

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-2-5

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 2-5-7

PLANT NUTRIENT CONCENTRATE 0-9-9 Coming to Hydro Stores Nationwide In 2015 48

Now, where were we? Uhhhhhhhhh, fuck, okay…… I was about to pull out of Arcata with my much better half and our fluffy-four-legged fun-factory, Bo Jackson. I’d ingested some (all the) snicker doodles and the not-a-fair trade coffee I had been gulping was not putting me back in the discretion of balance. My perspective was starting to change. Have I always been able to taste the wind? I pointed our hatchback to the South and hoped we’d make it to San Fran before the darkness set in. Driving down the 101, the THC really took over, she (THC is a good time lady) was in control of our journey whether I liked it or not. I LIKED IT. …A LOT. She centered our buggy in the right lane, set the cruise control on trippy -seven miles an hour, and whispered in my ear, “Relax pussy, its about to get fun.” With the Pacific ocean to my right, I realized it would be possible to communicate with sea creatures if I could just figure out what metaphysical CB channel they were using. It wasn’t channel 19, that’s for emergencies only. It wasn’t 18 either, that was a trucker correcting another trucker about who’s was behind 9/11. According to Mr. BoDukesPubes, 9/11 was masterminded by the Grey aliens who thought the Twin Towers where an eye sore when they flew by Earth, and the Pentagon was just an accident. Not a political statement but an aesthetic statement. It was a taste-motivated act of terror. Makes as much sense as the official story, I thought. I kept scanning the channels to hear some whale noises or at least a wise cracking dolphin. The sea was quiet. But the majestically massive trees we were rolling toward; abruptly yet smoothly began turning into those hippie chicks who dance the same way no matter what the music. They were welcoming us into their world and reminding me to press down on the accelerator. Going slow will get the mirrored glasses attention just as quick as going fast. The tree’s had our back, I told the ether. Hold on I’m about to go real fast. To be continued.... www.savagehenrymagazine.com 49

Entertainment in the Orient for the Financially Embarrassed

Josh Samuel Brown, contributor

Are you looking to create the illusion of wealth by vacationing in a place where the teeming masses are poorer than you? Forget the Middle Kingdom, Chum. You’re a decade late and a massive global trade imbalance short. While China’s wealth gap is massive (things are a bit more egalitarian across the straits in cousin Taiwan), their middle class dwarfs ours, and has a taste for the finer things in life about which most of us can only dream. Even China’s working class is coming up. By 2020, Chinese factory workers will be booking flights to LA (which they’ll nickname “North Tijuana”) and taking Amtrak trains around America to bask in the nostalgia of slower times. China is no longer a cheap date. Still, there’s plenty of fun to be had for nothing if you know where to look.

Score a Free Five-Star Banquet:

According to Chinese tradition, an unexpected guest from afar showing up at a wedding portends the swift arrival of a child. Thus, your uninvited arrival at a village wedding will be considered a good omen, and greeted not by menacing glances but with joyful chatter, followed by an invitation to feast on all manner of succulent delicacies and endless shots of fiery bai jiu (white liquor) alongside actual friends and families of the bride and groom. The food will be top-notch, and if you share with the late ODB a taste for all things raw, score! In Mandarin, the words raw and birth (sheng) are homophones, making raw seafood the auspicious wedding dish of choice (close to the sea; inland it's raw meat).

Enjoy a Free Strip Show

In Thailand strippers cost big Baht, so head instead to the rural temples of Taiwan, where you may well find yourself ogling to your heart's delight the sight of nearbare-naked ladies singing, gyrating, and pole-dancing on the back of ornately-decorated electric flower cars. This is no celebratory floorshow, but serious entertainment for that temple's particular deities or ancestors. Every now and again these temple dancers are hired to send recently-deceased men into the afterlife with a smile. Should you come across one of these funeral processions, enjoy! But maintain a reverent demeanor. Throwing bills onto the bed of an electric flower car is a cultural faux-pas that may result in a savage beating at the hands of the bereaved. (If your trip through Formosa fails to bring you in the vicinity of a ceremonial strip show, you can always spot scantily-clad women at any roadside betel nut stand. Politeness dictates that you purchase at least a bit of the semi-narcotic binglan, AKA “Taiwan chewing gum.” The baoyezi offer the best rush.)

Enjoy Free Fireworks Galore! Only bourgeois Frommer's readers pay for fireworks. Inthe-know cheapskates head to the southern Taiwanese town of Yanshui, where on the fifteenth day of the first lunar month, locals are giving fireworks to all who've made the trip.

Well, perhaps "giving fireworks to" is too gentle a term to describe what occurs at the annual Beehive Bottle Rocket Festival. "Launching fireworks at" (by the ton) is more accurate, as visitors in the hundreds of thousands gather around an endless array of multi-story wooden structures stuffed to the rafters with bottle rockets. The boxes are then set ablaze to the shrieking delight of the assembled throngs, who stand facing (the less hearty face away) an ensuing onslaught of whizzing explosives. This goes on all night, punctuated by parade of religious ecstasy involving explosives being hurled at anything that moves. From dusk till dawn the cacophony of explosions mingles with the warbling of fire trucks and ambulances. Burn wards and eye specialists throughout the nation do a brisk business through the next several lunar months. Savage Henry's sometimeAsian Affairs Correspondent Joshua Samuel Brown has authored many books on China, Taiwan, Singapore, Belize & other fun, exotic places.

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Savage Henry Classifieds Looking for a New Start

Hi, I'm Chance Fleming, but I like it when people call me the Colonel, ‘cause I'm from a town called Sanders, and I'm basically the coolest guy there. You know? Like the fried chicken guy. I don't eat fried chicken, but I might have to now that I think more about it. Well, I'm seeking a companion/roomie/F4L (Friend 4 Life) who is willing to just drop everything and help me start my shanty town. I do not like the way my mother and Randall, my mother's husband, her third in fact, are treating me. They have told me on many occasions as of late that I need to spend more

time focusing on being clean. But I continuously inform them that I have very small pores in my skin for sweat to come out of, so in essence I have no need for bathing whatsoever. But mother and Randall continue to harp on me and force their very closedminded and frankly barbaric rituals of what "clean" is. Even more recently they have taken my computer away. Mother even had the gall to say that I may no longer keep my subscription to Guitar World magazine which I love so much. I am a very excellent guitarist. All of these factors mixed with the harsh realness of suburbia has lead me to say to myself: "I just cannot take this anymore."

Please put a local place in your reply so I know this is real. Serious inquiries only PLEASE. I'm planning on being very, very busy trying to stay alive. Maybe you could do something fun like put a location on where we can put our boxes. And also, if you have access to boxes, that would be tremendously helpful and rad.And please, NO DRUGGIES. 420 Friendly. NO DOGS -- they are dirty and get fleas and I hate both dirt and fleas.

The Bum’s Guide to Dating (for men)

Jeff Anaya, contributor

Let's face it - living in poverty is rough. With zero funds to have fun it can also be lonely, as most women aren't into the whole "no money" lifestyle. But have faith! There is still hope for you to land the girl who can keep you warm during those lonely nights.

Find an accepting person

The best way to find a good date is to know her interests. That means skip the club scene and look behind the dumpster. I'm talking about finding a chill woman (chill is code for being a little trashy and smokes a lot of pot). Bonus points if she is pretty. If she starts smelling your leg, BE CAREFUL: she's probably a dog.

Come over to Bayside,

we can’t wait to show you our goods. Hwy 101 in the Safety Corridor • 707.826.7435 • 10-6pm Mon-Sat • 10-5pm Sun

Don't sell yourself short

Plenty of people live in poverty (about 95% of the world) so you don't have anything to be ashamed about. Be confident! Money doesn't rule you and neither does regular bathing regiments. Tell her you are in a transitional period and that those fat cats on Wall Street can't touch you. Then keep up a veil of mystery by steering the conversation away from yourself by making cute insults about her. Make up some fake facts and statistics and then berate her for not knowing them. CHICKS LOVE THAT!

Set the bar low

Make sure when you invite her out on the first date to go somewhere that doesn't cost any money. That way she knows what to expect. Don't take her to dinner, you don't want to be stuck paying for the ten-dollar salad she barely ate. If she insists on going to somewhere expensive like a bar, just go around stealing other people’s drinks and finishing off empties. If she asks what you're doing, tell her you don't like people wasting booze. After all, there are starving drunks in Africa! This way you can get a rockin’ buzz and look cool doing it. One inexpensive date idea could be taking her out to a romantic evening under the stars. DISCLAIMER: this only works a few times before she realizes you're homeless.

Congratulations, you're on the path to a new relationship! Now start feeding her a steady supply of amphetamines in her sleep so she becomes reliant on you.... and viola! You landed yourself a garbage queen. 52

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Bulls Eye Supply u o C Y o t vered o G e W

The Lonely Fisherman’s favorite magazine is Savage Henry. He’s poor and single, so we figured we’d help him out... Readers, lettuce introduce...

Humboldt’s Most Eligible Bachelor

The Lonely Fisherman; ageless, catatonic fisherman, Woodley Island, Eureka

Emily Hobelmann, contributor

Yes, he lives in poverty, but he’s a provider. A noble man, he braves the wild Pacific sea so he can peddle fish -- not meth or bath salts -- at the west end of Woodley Island.

The Lonely Fisherman is a Eureka-native. He’s seen some hard times, yet he fishes right through them. He needs a good woman to warm his heart after his cold harsh days out there, trying to make a living.

Greenhouse and Light Deprivation Covers For Any Structure Custom Orders Available 31¢ sq/ft. 8 mil String Reenforced 3 Year Green House Material

IN THREE WORDS: Surly, salty, Pacific. WHAT HE'S SEEKING: A port

in the storm, a warm body. WHY HE'S A CATCH: The Lonely Fisherman has a brawny bod and the freshest seafood. BIG DRAWBACK: He always smells like seafood. TURN ONS: Sea legs and mermaids, mudflat mammas, nautical tattoos, superb oar-handling and celestial navigational skills, a woman that carries a knife and can filet a fish. TURN OFFS: Not-polarized sunglasses, land lubbers, red herrings and impatience. Intellectualism, sobriety and an aversion to sea food. ASTROLOGY: He's a Pisces but he'd rather be a killa whale. REEL HIM IN WITH: Fishnets and eels... Hook, line and sinker. HIS FRIENDS WOULD SAY: The Lonely Fisherman doesn't have friends.

PREFERRED PUBE DOO: He prefers a bearded clam. CELEB LOOK ALIKES: Ernest Hemingway; he's also

reminiscent of John C. Reilly in "The Perfect Storm." CELEB CRUSHES: Dawn Riley, Darryl Hannah and Rhianna. BEST FIRST DATE: The Lonely Fisherman takes you out on his boat for a tour of Humboldt Bay that puts the Madaket tour to shame. He keeps you warm with Moonshine-Clamato cocktails and he leans in close while giving you a hands-on lesson on how to tie a bowline knot. When you finally get back and dock at his slip, he feeds you a dinner of smoked salmon, oysters, crab and bread. You drink more moonshine, tug on his fly and admire his mast. You wind up tonguetied, and the whole experience is off the hook. Catch him if you can, he's a big fisherman in a big bay and he is usually gone fishing, always trying to krill it. Our tip: Spray some salt water in your hair before approaching him, wear green/blue eyeshadow, like the sea, and maybe eat some Dramamine too so you don't get seasick on his sweet boat.

30¢ sq/ft 8 mil Black and White String Reenforced 22¢ sq./ft. 6 mil String Reenforced Black and White Greenhouse Also available vapor barriers and pond liners

(707) 834-9675 54

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AMERICAN POVERTY DINER -Kids MenuAppetizers Sink Water A cup of public water. Served in a plastic McDonald's cup. It's packed with minerals... mostly metals... mainly heavy. Breakfast Cereal Dust Dust from assorted tossed-out cereal bags. Just don't accidentally inhale when you are swallowing! Stick O' Butter It's the last thing left in the fridge, but you can no longer afford to overlook it as a source of empty calories!

Jonathan Ott, contributor

Whatever the Roaches are havin' I don't know what that brown, greasy stuff is on the top of the microwave either, but if it fuels a sixlegged creature that can fly and live for a week with it's head cut off, it's good enough to fuel you too! Early Bedtime Wasting all that energy chewing up food is just going to make you hungrier. Why not go to bed early and wake up just in time for more Cereal Dust? Drinks Sink Water A cup of public water. Served in a plastic McDonald's cup. It's packed with minerals... mostly metals... mainly heavy.

Skip A generous portion of paper plate served with a steaming side of nothin' much! Lunch 1/4 of a Slice of Pizza Crust Look what we swept out from under the stove! Comes with a yellow Lego piece, a sticky penny and an empty book of matches. The Sissy Rich Kids Lunch Little Spencer Luxemberg's delicious arugala, prosciutto and provolone sandwich, skillfully laid out on fresh foccacia bread. But not as skillfully as you laid him out. You may have to be sent to the principal's office, but at least she has a candy bowl in her office. Candy From Last Halloween You're down to either a black licorice jelly bean or three of the chalk flavored Smarties. Choose wisely. Dinner One Slice of Government Bread Thank your lucky Electronic Benefit Transfers! It's wonderful, weightless Wonder Bread. Low on grain, big on air. So fluffy you can see right through it. 56

Graphic by Matt Redbeard

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S| L E E R | R O F | S I | T I H S | S I H |T

||POVERTY|ROW||||michel|sargent||| The crappy lower-tier film studios of the late 1920’s through 1950’s had so little money to make films that the slanged descriptive “Poverty Row” became popular nomenclature. This is generally where Hollywood hoisted the mass amounts of white dominance westerns, film noir, bad comedies, and serials upon mostly brainless filmgoers (I make an exception for film noir fans). The guys tended to be super proud, stubborn misogynists. The gals were generally submissive, almost oedipal, and usually showed more street smarts than the “highly intelligent” men. Stylistically, the films made up for the impoverished budgets with strange twists on storytelling, clever photographic effects, and film noir’s use of high-contrast lighting (tip hats to German Expressionism). Poverty Row is also where some select few upstarts were born and the hasbeens went to die. Here’s a small sampling: An egomaniac archaeologist captures and taunts a cool cheap-looking Quetzalcoatl and threatens to unleash The Flying Serpent (1946) on mankind. This doctor’s mad scheme involves leaving clues to the existence of the serpent, then angrily setting the deity against the people solving his clues. This one’s a real “treasure”…

A fisherman unexpectedly nets The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues (1955). He soon thereafter washes ashore with radiation burns, causing a snarky, terrible-acting federal agent from Washington to make the scene even before the police. There’s a bad guy who lurks in trees with a speargun, hilariously non-romantic romance, condescension of women and a PBS children’s TV-quality sea monster costume. Bonus points for the femme fatale turning this into a very strange creature feature film-noir hybrid.

The Monster Maker (1944) is about an egomaniac doctor who can hypnotize people with his eyes, keeps a dog-hating caged man in a cheap gorilla suit, and injects a concert pianist with a hideous, elephant-man-like disease. No, the cool lighting does not make the sexist, domineering men any more interesting. Surprisingly, though, it’s the editing that makes this film really bad.

A strange planet speeding towards Earth sends The Man From Planet X (1951) down to scare and confuse a small village in the Scottish moors. The good doctor tries to help the large, grotesquefaced being, but the bad doctor wants to exploit the alien for sinister reasons. The alien chooses his raygun to turn the populace into voodoo zombies. My favorite serial of the era is The Phantom Empire (1935) with Gene Autry. A silly, costumed subterranean civilization with rayguns, tall buildings, and robots happens to be located under Radio Ranch, where the singing cowboy and his gang reenact live radio dramas and perform country and western music. Corrupt scientists want the wealth of discovered underground radium, and revolutionaries want to overthrow the evil subterranean Queen. Radio to the rescue! (Yes, your writer is a radio DJ)

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Restaur ant Review

I did not say these things. I DID order the beef confit* though, and an adorably piled salad on a tiny little plate. The homemade dressing was delicious. The confit was tender and tasty and the crowning achievement of the meal, seriously, was the cornbread muffin. Hot damn.

Sarah Godlin, staff

Po’ Boys... Because you gotta love a theme.

Bless My Soul Cafe, Eurek a, Ca I had recently stuck my knee in a sheeps butt. I smelled like, well, sheep butt. My friend smelled less like sheep butt however she did have a general “goaty” smell about her. Our farm animal vaccination clinic left us hungry and it was becoming clear that we weren’t going to make it back to Arcata for lunch. We needed something soon. “Let’s get PO’ BOYS!” a goat said. Wait, no, it was my friend. The place that sprung to mind was Bless My Soul Cafe. The New Orleans style soul food joint. You know it. It’s yellow and purple. I’d never even been inside.

I also hate how the county lines up to jerk him off when he visits. Stop it already!

I believe our well mannered waiter was also the chef. He was also rolling napkins at a nearby table. Busy guy. He was sweet and knowledgeable and totally didn’t mind the ruminant smell emanating from our table. We apologized profusely. I’d even say they had a great wine selection, but I really don’t know shit from shinola about wine. My glass was delicious. My other glass of the exact same wine was also delicious. I was very impressed. I will absolutely go back. I’m going to give this place 8 out of 10 glasses of mid grade wine! It would have gotten 10 but the Fieri graffiti was très taqui. I said I wouldn’t hold it against, but I lied. Also, it smelled like a goat in there.

I’d like to disclaim something; I kinda hate Guy Fieri. I dislike how he pronounces his name Fee-Eddy and I hate flames. They are the worst kind of self expression ever. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but his style is mega wack. I also hate how the county lines up to jerk him off when he visits. Stop it already!

*pronounced Con-fee, it’s a french cooking technique where meat is cooked at a low temperature in oil, grease or sugar water for a long time. The result is a tender tissue that can be stored for longer.

I had forgotten that Bless My Soul Cafe had been featured in Diners, Donuts and Drugs, or whatever the shows name is, until Fieri’s spraypainted head on the wall assaulted my senses. Couldn’t he have left a classier mark on the place?

Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. Picture = extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 ~ editor@savagehenrymagazine.com

That being said, I won’t hold Mr. Flames against the place. Also, I smelled like sheep ass so who was I to judge? I expected the place to be a little less fancy. Somewhere that might not mind my parfum de agricultur. I was expecting a ‘fried clams in a red plastic basket” atmosphere. It didn’t exist. Cloth napkins! Whoops! Thank goodness we were the only people there. “Well, Howdeee!” I exclaimed as I spit my chaw into an empty Mountain Dew bottle. The menu was so stocked I quickly rethought the Po’ Boy. “ Ima’ order the beef confit! Confit must be short for confetti and I love confetti.”

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Other Ways the Patriots Allegedly Cheated The New England Patriots are infamous for having cheated to win 3 Super Bowls from 2001-2007, but it was thought that they had put their cheating ways behind them; that is, until “Deflategate,” or “Ballghazi,” or whatever you want to call the thing where they deflated their footballs to illegal PSI levels to get to this year’s Super Bowl and beat the Seattle Seahawks, 28-24.

Zack Newkirk, staff

However, recent reports have shed light on even more under-the-rug cheating scandals involving the Bostonarea football franchise. Here are some of the highlights from the expose published in Highlights: CHEAT: The 2014 Patriots are now thought to have meddled with Paul Walker’s car before the actor was involved in a fatal crash. CHEAT: The 2009 Patriots cheated on their wife, Mrs. 2009 Patriots, with Mrs. 2004 Philadelphia Eagles, as documented by Joey Greco on the television program Cheaters. CHEAT: The 1994 Patriots had to use a Game Genie to beat Castlevania: Bloodlines for the Sega Genesis. CHEAT: The 1988 Patriots, being handily beaten by Frank Dux in the Kumite, retrieved some Chinese Blinding Powder they had hidden in their karate pants and tossed it into Dux’s eyes, causing him to stagger around and moan. However, Dux remembered his earlier blindfold training and managed to defeat the Patriots by doing the splits and socking them in the nards. CHEAT: The 1919 Patriots’ head coach Adolf Hitler repeatedly roofied game officials before the snap, but instead of being fined, he was promoted by then-NFL commissioner M.L. Yates, Jr. to head of the Nazi Party, where he eventually thrived and pursued the deaths of many innocent Jews.

Palindrome of the Month POOR DAN IS IN A DROOP -SG 62

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How to Get Things for Free

Ray McMillin, staff

Stray Dogs: Inquire at your local animal shelter regarding the accepted protocol for adopting a healthy, spayed and vaccinated animal companion. Stray Cats: Let Brian Setzer sleep on your couch. Couches: Really? Health Care: Move to Canada. Maple Syrup: Move to Canada, steal from a store. Ad Space: Buy from Savage Henry Magazine using money obtained as a gift. 10-Count Bag of Twix Candy Bars: Steal from a store. Body Count's New Album: Download illegally using a torrent. Basketball: Steal from a trained seal. Double Rainbow: Create rain using chemtrails, then stop. Kiss From a Rose: Steal a sealed Seal album.

Gift Money: Repeatedly borrow from senile grandparent. Milk Money: Bully schoolchildren. Cash Money Records Contract: Become friends with Master P. Master P CDs: See above. Silkk The Shocker CDs: See above. Mystikal CDs: See above.

Marijuana, Alcohol, & Cocaine: Be a hot mess of a slut. Hood Pass for Women: Date black guys. Hood Pass for Men: Let your sister date black guys. HDTV Sets: Steal from child laborers in Walmart factories. Child Laborers: Steal from inattentive parents at Walmart stores. Income Generated by Locally-Owned Businesses: Open a Walmart store. Internet Porn: Really? Stage Time: Attend A.A. meetings. Heroin: Attend N.A. meetings. Flags: Attend N.R.A. meetings. Dirty Looks: Watch N.W.A. videos. 64

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Six Beers Deep Levitation Ale Stone Brewing Company ABV: 4.4% Beer!

Here we have another offering from Stone Brewing, the brewery that reminds us incessantly that we aren’t worthy of drinking this beer, and that we are somehow committing some sort of macho fraud by drinking their often over-hopped, high alcohol concoctions. Well not this time, as they remind us on the essay printed on the side of the bottle. No, this time, they self aggrandizing is brought on by the accomplishment of brewing a full bodied amber ale that is in fact lower in alcohol than their usual ales. Well la dee frickin’ da, good for you guys.

Two Beers!

Y’know, this may make me look a little careless, but perhaps I should have read what was on the side of the label BEFORE I popped the cap. Now my kitchen floor is sticky, and I’ll really only be drinking 5 beers.

sometimes. Like, they could get the wait staff to dress up as the gargoyles that are the mascot of Stone and we’d all scream in terror as we ordered pancakes and beer syrip. Why do i keep giving waayw my genius ideas in this column? Because I’m tyring t o give back to the people. You’re welcome.

Three Beers!

Six Beers!

I will give it to them, for all their bravado they seem to put into their image, they doo make a good beer. It’s got some citrus to it, yet has just enough hoppiness to it that makes it enjoyable and not overbaering.

Four Beer!

Y’know that this beers is good for? This beer is good to go with breakfast. Like, I ‘d mix this with pancake syrup and be all like, “look at me Stone Brewery! I’m doing some Alpha male shit with my breakfast! Whaddya gunna do about it>?” Then I’d flip the table over and walk away as something explosds, cuz that’s what neat manly guys do.

This always happens to me. I pick thi slow alcohol beer and all I wanna do after the sixth one is get more, even though I’m sure full feeling and I’m gonna feel all torn about what to do and the walk beack from the store is a gonana be all slow and wobble and waddle like and I dunno what I should od. I want some hasch browns.

Josh is a semiprofessional drinker that likes to think that he knows what he’s doing. Please remember to mind your P’s & Q’s, call your mother to say something nice, and always enjoy indulging responsibly.

Five Beers!

Oh man, I’m really on thi sbreakfast thing. Like this beer really goes someothing well with soemthing that’s sweet. Like they should just have this at IHOP cuz that would make Ihop tolerable 66

This piece is sponsored by Blondies Food and Drink.

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Welfare Application for Comedians Comedians, like most artists, don’t make jack shit unless they “make it big”. So Obama is trying to help them out with a little welfare dough.....But only if they qualify. Please check mark the applicable answers and submit your response by mail, in an envelope, with a stamp. What is your monthly net nacho income?

How long have you been a “professional comedian”?

___ More than 2 full orders?

___ 5 to 10 years.

___ More than 5 full orders? ___ One full order?

___ One half order? When you use your vehicle to travel to gigs far away do you usually.... ___ Break even on gas?

___ Get other comedians to travel with you and help cover the cost of gas? ___ Take a Greyhound?

___ Steal your mom’s Chevron card to cover gas? When you get passed over for a gig by someone else in your scene do you ....

___ I stopped counting after 10 years. ___ 1 to 3 years.

___ I just started and boy this is fun!

How many other comedians do you live with? ___ Sylvan-esque proportions. ___ 1 to 4.

___ I live by myself.

___ I couch surf and/or am homeless. Thank you. Your answers will be processed by certified Health and Welfare professional and you’ll know anywhere from 6 to 63 weeks if you qualify for government aid.

___ Get pissed off! You deserve it cause you’ve been doing it longer!

___ Get pissed off cause you’re much funnier and your jokes are so much more original! ___ Get depressed and consider quitting comedy. ___ Get happy for them cause they deserve it...I guess. How many shitty-ass open mics do you do a week? ___ More than 5? ___ 3 to 5? ___ 1 to 2?

___ None, you just can’t bring yourself to sit through the torment anymore.

Meme by Dutch Savage

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A Shoe In

Seth Milstein, contributor

Poverty isn’t funny. At least not the third world, malnourished version. Nothing funny about a distended belly… unless you draw it in a cartoon, but then it’s an image that is instinctively comical until the brain kicks in to remind us that that’s a real situation and then that instant hilarity turns to distastefulness. It’s hard to be funny about anything serious. Being poor can be hilarious, though; it just takes a little perspective. For instance, in the 7th grade the coolest shoes to own were Asics. We couldn’t afford them, so my mom headed down to the redneck bazaar known as the flea market and bought me a pair of “Asix.”

That alone is pretty funny, but the best part is that upon closer inspection the “Asix” logo was paintedon. In fact, the entire surface of the shoe was painted. The original shoe prior to its paint job was a Nike, which was still a completely acceptable, cool brand. Someone had actually painted the exact design of the current model of an Asics Gel over a year-old model of Nike running shoe. I’d never wear them but I made mom take me to the flea market the next week because the $15 she paid for these was at least going to buy me this story. Mom pointed me in the direction of this forgery artist, and as I approached, he was already bragging about his entrepreneurial skills. Apparently, he bought the older model shoes from Outlet Malls at $10 a pair, then spent 3-5 hours painting each pair before selling them at a 50% mark up (the flea market was a perfect fit for this captain of industry). I asked why he didn’t just paint “Asics” on them since he was going through all the trouble.

“I ain’t about to get sued, kid,” he responded.

Wow. So, from Outlet Mall to Flea market with a labor intensive stop-off at a trailer park, that’s funny. Only because enough money was diverted from this guy’s public school system to deprive him of the distributive education to know that his business model is crap. The only not-funny part is the impoverished children that had to make the shoes to begin with… unless you drew them in a cartoon. Then it’s funny, if only for a second, until you think about it.

Photo by Dutch Savage 70

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 71

Men in Weed

Kenny Bus, Male Weed Plant (Translated by Ray McMillin and Dan Kinnison) contributor

Year after year, harvest season after harvest season, the unapologetic displays of weed sexism become more commonplace, and yet no one seems to bat an eye. With all the discussion regarding the role of females in marijuana production, few points are ever brought up regarding the industry-wide accepted dismissal of male plants as useless. Sure, we are more industrious, cheaper to grow, easier to work with, and responsible for fiber used in paper production, but because we lack the feminine traits associated with THC-heavy female cannabis plants, the marijuana community writes us off as disposable. More often than not, we are bagged up by growers and used as compost; meanwhile, the bare trimmings of female plants are still given a market value and re-used for things like food and oil. Umm... hello? Those hempseed granola bars you eat were produced using male plants! Same goes for the alternative fuel your car would run on... if the potriarchy allowed for it. Still, consumers and producers of female weed plants continue to grow-splain their excuses for exploiting male marijuana crops, treating any non-feminized plant on the cannabis gender spectrum as garbage. Why are female plants given beautiful names like "Ferguson Teendrop" or "Moonstone Beach Tidal Dodge," while stressed males are derogatorily classified as hermaphrodites? Not only are female weed plants given a higher market value simply because they facilitate "emotional" or "spiritual" effects n' all that mumbo-jumbo, but they are entirely responsible for one-hundred percent of marijuanarelated crimes throughout the world. Cartels aren't tearing down our national forests to set up illegal male weed grows. Teenagers don't steal from their mother's purse to purchase hemp bracelets produced from male plants. It is an undeniable fact that female marijuana plants are the reason our prison industrial complex is full of, you guessed it, men. Look around, and you will see vulgar displays of anti-male weed sexism in print, online, on television, and even on stage. This level of ignorance should be reserved for hacky stand-up comedians who can't write a joke without one hand on their bong, but the rest of us should strive to be above canna-misandry. If it weren't for male weed plants, we would not only be without an endless supply of paper, oil, food, and fuel, but there wouldn't be any female plants either.

Smash the potriarchy!

Photo by Dutch Savage www.savagehenrymagazine.com 73

Poverty is Like Quicksand The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. It’s an odd coincidence that this would be the topic for this issue considering that I’m currently homeless. I had been living in my friend’s garage for the past six months, and I guess they finally grew tired of it. I guess you can say I overstayed my welcome. Some of the obstacles I’ve come across during this time I didn't see coming. So I'd like to give you the reader a few tricks of the trade.

Julius Maddox, contributor

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One of the hardest parts about being homeless is finding a place to masturbate. I recommend public restrooms. Make sure that the door is locked and turn the sink on and let the water run to cover up any masturbation noises.

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As an experienced alcoholic, I would like to give tips on avoiding any sort of public drinking tickets. I recommend acquiring a flask for hard alcohol. Use soft drink fountain cups for beer, and Powerade bottles for wine. Be sure to get the purple Powerade to be even more inconspicuous.

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For hygiene, I recommend enrolling in a local gym. This is the only place where it is socially acceptable to shave and brush your teeth in public.

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If you get really desperate, or the weather is just too miserable, find a fat girl to sleep with for the night -- or if you’re gay, an old man. And yes... you do have to have sex with them. : /

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Last but not least, I would like to say that your charm will be your number one tool for survival. Sooo yah know, don’t be a dick.

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How to Stay Poor for 35 Years

Ray McMillin, staff

As an expert in financial irresponsibility, I have managed to clock in thousands of hours at various jobs without ever having anything to show for it. My apartment is furnished with no more flair than the average waiting room, I don't have a box spring for my mattress, my "couch" is just a bent frame under a Walmart futon, and every item of food in my fridge has a knock-off brand name, like "Butter It Ain't." Still, I have managed to avoid funneling into my bank account any of the excess cash generated from working in nightclubs for 10 years, mainly as a result of the following bad habits I would suggest to anyone seeking a life of material emptiness and financial debt:

Be a Responsible Person

Let's say you were having unprotected sex in a moving vehicle while under the influence, and you happened to crash into another car while driving on an off-the-grid country road. Are you the type of person to call your insurance, be honest with the police offer that responds to the accident, take responsibility and pay for an abortion? If so, you're on the right track to instantly cutting your assets in half. On the other hand, if you have the nerve to leave the scene of the accident before tossing your weed out the window and giving your date a fake name and phone number, your bank account won't feel a thing.

Get Plenty of Sleep

By dismissing any benefits of being an early riser, you will manage to alienate yourself from multiple career opportunities while establishing a toxic social life that centers around consumption of alcohol among like-minded slackers. If you've ever had to set your alarm for noon, you're on the right path to a negative bank account balance.

Follow Your Dreams

As an aspiring stand-up comic, for instance, you will learn the benefits of putting gigs first, often times traveling hundreds of miles to perform for free to small crowds of other comedians and their designated drivers. This is called "paying dues," and it is a required rite of passage undertaken by the established comedians who perform at the same casinos that bands like Foghat and Tesla frequent on their "One Original Member" tours. By letting life pass you by in a hearty attempt at landing a half-assed career that will likely never result in a full return on years of investment, you will cement yourself as a habitually destructive go-getter.

Put Others First

Instead of making a living by stepping on other people, undercutting your competition, upping the stakes and taking initiative before the next person, you can opt to live a life inspired by altruism and compassion. By taking time to smell the roses, smile at children, pet the neighbor's dog or help an elderly person with their chores, you put yourself in a position to be surpassed by anyone not wasting their days reliving Norman Rockwell's fantasies, and you will likely end up on government assistance by the age of 40. 76

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 77

I’d Like a Diet Koch, Please

Josh Duke, staff

The Koch brothers are two billionaire industrialists that have, in recent years, taken up the hobby of influencing public policy by just throwing lobs of money at political election campaigns in order to further their own agendas of smaller government, lower taxes, less regulation of things such as the environment, etc. They just pledged a plan to spend $889 million on the 2016 presidential and congressional elections. 889 million dollars. To put that into perspective, the entire Republican National Committee has only raised around $650 million. But rather than go into how an entire political party’s agenda is now in the myopic vision of two out-of-touch oligarchs, how about I just generate a list of ways I’d rather see $889 million spent:

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Buy a business card sized ad in Savage Henry for the next 6,838,461 issues (trust me, that’s a deal.)

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Invest in a public smear campaign against their rivals, the Pehpsee Twins

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Run for office themselves! (Please, don’t.)

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Help a brother out and pay off Josh’s crippling student loans/gambling debt

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Invest in real estate by purchasing the floating continent of garbage that’s out there somewhere.

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Fund every kickstarter for six months. (That’s about $750 million).

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Write everybody in the United States a check for $2.81.

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Write me a check for $889 million.

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Fund a Green Party candidate, just to see what happens.

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Buy Sarah Godlin a bottle of wine.

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Cash that money into $1 bills and sleep on it.

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Pay off Uwe Boll so that he promises to never make another movie.

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Find more interesting uses for bacon.

www.savagehenrymagazine.com 79

EavesDroppings “I need to sober up, where’s the weed?” — after a heavy night of partying

“I’m not a chubby chaser, I’m just lazy and they run slower.” — Portland

“Everytime a guy wants me to sleep in his bed and ‘jus sleep’ I wake up a with a boner in my butt.” — hippie chick at party house in Weimar “It’s all good, she’s got teeth.” — bar in Stockton, Ca “Of all the stupid things I’ve done here, the worst was accidentally sleeping with a man.” “If you don’t pick my shit, I’m not — older Scottish guy in Portland going to be your friend anymore.” — the village, Arcata “I called her Denmark because she was from Denmark. We had a short romance.” “I hope ur on birth control, — Overheard in a Portland coffee shop because ur about to get screwed!”

— Auburn “Don’t eat that I saw her queef on it.” — Don’s Donuts

“If I got raped by a dolphin, I’d probably be okay with it.” — a chef

“That guy will put his dick in anything. I bet he’d fuck the ass-end of a menstruating skunk.” — Fieldbrook General Store, a local towny “My cataracts help me discover the finer things in life.” — land owner rocking in a chair, just east of Kneeland “Getting ran over sucks, especially by a Subaru!” — Arcata co op parking lot “If it wasn’t for my horse I would have never graduated college.” — Woman in at Irish Mikes bar in Dover, DE

“ya, its like vagina lips flapping in the wind” — Two girls talking on HSU campus “I just met a cute chick named Diane— or Danielle...FUCK!” — Arcata “No i cant do that anymore. All’s I got is dick’s on my hammer.” — some dude in Willow Creek

Plaziod dude: “Yer so gay for bums right now...” Plaziod chick: “ Not gay— I’m Hobosexual!” “I didnt kill your dog, hit u in the face with a baseball bat, and burn your house down, THE ALCOHOL DID!” — 2 AM overheard AT SIREN SONG to a frenemy

Contribute to the Eavesdroppings: 1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Text it 707.845.8854 or... Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521 Tell us where you heard it and/or who said it. www.savagehenrymagazine.com 81

Ailment of the Month Butt Worms.

My parents are so proud of my job. “What does your daughter do?” “Oh she’s very talented. She can find an appropriate picture of Butt Worms like, really, really fast.” -SG next month:

Breakfast

Enough with the bacon already Breakfast for Dinner!

Links? or Patties? Send Letters/Contributions to: editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 82