Savage Henry Independent Times th 791 8 Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 www.savagehenrymagazine.com And of course, look for us on facebook and Twitter...
ANY OF THE NINJA TURTLES | Josh Duke PEE CASSO | Chris Durant MONICA LISA | Monica Durant GEORGIA O’QUEEF | Sarah Godlin BAD-ASS COVER ARTIST | Sonny Wong SAVAGE MUSIC OVERLORD | Ben Allen OMBUDSMAN | Zack Newkirk OUR OWN PRIVATE PHOTOGRAPHER | Dutch Savage THE MOUSTACHE | Joe Deschaine COMIC GUY | Nuno Amaral CELEBRITY STALKER | Isaac Kozell VIDEO MANAGER | Matt Redbeard PODCAST PRODUCER | Daniel Amaral OREGON BUREAU CHIEF | Ray McMillin CHICO BUREAU CHIEF | Patrick Wickham GRASS VALLEY/NEVADA CITY DISTRIBUTION MANAGER | Ray Flynn SAN FRANCISCO BUREAU CHIEF | Josh Argyle L.A. BUREAU CHIEF | Cornell Reid L.A. DISTRO MANAGER | Adam Jacobs CONTRIBUTORS Leah Brzezinski, Zeke Herrera, Spencer DeVine, William Toblerone, Leslie Small, Jarad Petroske, Bryant Kellison, Mischa Trubs, Andre Parker, Andrew Oullette, Cee Cee Hill, Raj Noogmoosh, Jesse Wiedel, Matt Beard, Sheik ADVERTISING advertising@savagehenrymagazine.com SUBSCRIPTIONS 12 issues = $30 to the address above. Want anything else? Chris: editor@savagehenrymagazine.com Sarah: godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com 4
Letter from an Editor Welcome artists, artÍstes, baristas, and mixologists, to the Art Issue.
I recently had my vehicle detailed after years of heavy carelessness. The french fries that I am sure came out of the nooks of that thing were probably older than some of my children. When I got it back… HOT DAMN! That thing was freakin’ brand new inside and I could have kissed the guy who made it that way. Instead I paid him actual money which people enjoy more, sometimes, than kisses from people who let tubs of ranch dressing get lost under their car seats. The point of all of this is… that guy is an artist. Even you, reader, are an artist. The way you took that selfie sideways instead of turning your phone up and down. The way you always put something green on your plate for color. That sticker still on your hat. That is art. Your mother and father in the throes of naked lovemaking all those years ago. They were artists. You are art. Enjoy the Art Issue. so we can keep pretending this magazine is also art. -Sarah Godlin, editor
Parental
Warning
Don’t expose your kids to this crap. Expose them to crap like real art. Take them to a museum. Then you can sit in the car and read your Savage Henry.
Table of Got No Sense .................. 7 Letters to the Editors...................... ................... 13 Vincent Van Bro.......................... .................... 14 LEND ME AN EAR.................. .................... 17 Memo from the Boss:................. .................... 19 Bad Public Art in Portland......... ................ 21 Catty Mean Girl............................. ar............... 23 The History of the Puppy Calend ................. 25 Rejected Crayola Colors............... ................ 26 From the Crayons of Babes............ .................. 29 Dr. shoeChucker........................... ................... 30 Album Reviews........................... ................ 33 Ben’s 10......................................... ................ 35 Artist’s Statement........................... .................... 37 Art Artman, The First Artist....... ................ 39 Sonny Wong: Arting the Covers....
Your Vasectomy............................
Unknown Art Styles......................
The Glorious Art of Writing.......
................. 53
................. 55
.................... 56
Me vs. Michaelangelo.................
Things You Didn’t Know............
................... 59
................... 61 Gallery Man................................. .................. 63 The Artistry of George W. Bush.. .................. 65 OkEtsy........................................... ................ 67 Six Beers Deep........................... .................... 69 Drawing a Snowman...................... ................ 70 EavesDroppings........................... .................. 73
................ 43 Restaurant Review......................... ................... 44 To Frame or Not to Frame.......... ................ 45 Fart: Smell It and Sell It................. ................ 47 Who is Banksy?............................. ................. 48 Art In The Alehouse...................... orette......... 51 Humboldt's Most Eligible Bachel
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Other upcoming Savage Henry Comedy Events 2/22 9pm - Last Saturday of every month, an evening of hilarity from local comics and newbies, and maybe even you @ The Siren’s Song Tavern in Eureka, Ca. Free. 2/22 9pm - Johnny Taylor, Daniel Humbarger, Emma Haney & Stephen Furey. Hosted by Zeke Herrera @ the Mellow Fellow in Truckee, Ca. Free. 2/24 9pm - See flyer 2/25 9pm - CU Last Tuesday - OJ Patterson, Luke Lockfield, Keith D’Souza, plus locals Zeke Herrera, Durch Savage & Kim Hodges. Hosted by Josh Duke. @ The Jambalya in Arcata, Ca. $5 2/27 8pm - Thrusty Thursday - Anthony Sandoval & Bryant Hicks plus Sarah Godlin & John McClurg @ Six Rivers Brewery in McKinleyville, Ca. $5 3/7 9pm - Pawns of Comedy - The Best of Bay Area Standup - Ben Del Castillo, Brendan Lynch, Chad Opitz & DNA @ Humbrews in Arcata, Ca. $7 3/10 9pm - 2nd Tuesday of every month - Humboldt County’s longest running comedy open mic! Join us for an evening of hilarity from local comics and newbies, and maybe even you! @ The Jambalaya in Arcata. $3
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Letters to the Editors These letters are real. Written by real people and printed as submitted. Savage Henry, you are a one eyed lizard in a world of blind toads. Why do you feel the need to go out on paper? I know that the more paper used makes a need for more trees to planted but I never pegged your gang as environmentalists but what do I know (rhetorical, in case you missed it)? Can you please be the first publication to start making fun of the present president? I will call you racists right off that bat so we can get that out of the way and then you won’t have to worry about being accused of that in the future... well, I can’t promise that but you are smart whips over there and can maybe understand where I am going with that. Okay, have a rad summer and I will see you in Chemistry Class next fall! Stay Cool! Dutch Savage wears dirty underwear! John
John, Seriously? Why do we feel the need to go out on paper? I personally have no issues with great things being on paper. In fact, in my opinion the second greatest thing for a tree to be, after a tree, of course, is a book. A real live rectangular 3D book. Not some dumb Kindle crap. E waste is a HUGE problem. Our 10,000 magazines aren’t. And what, after all, is a magazine if not a flattened, dumbed down book. As far as Dutch’s underwear go, I have it under good authority that he totally turns them inside out, so it’s cool. -Editor
High, Savage Henry! I got turned onto your revolutionary rag recently when I found your “Harvest Issue”... Hilarious and brilliant! I live in Weed, California... that’s right, WEED, “High on the Slopes of Mt Shasta.” The town died when the main lumber mill closed years ago. I have been trying to promote the upcoming legal cannabis economy to the city’s government. It will be GOLDEN to have a Weed address for pot-related businesses. There are MANY empty storefronts in downtown Weed that can be had DIRT CHEAP. I-5 runs right through town and we have an available labor force. What should I do to encourage any of your cannabusiness advertisers to open a branch in Weed? I foresee a day very soon where downtown Weed will center around a legal pot store, hemp store, smoke shop, growing equipment store and more... What do you think ? http://visitweed.com/ Thanks for your time... Peace... Jimmy Limo in WEED, CA Thanks for the heads up, Jimmy Limo. Put us in for one joke PO box!
Letters to the Editors continued next page
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Letters to the Editors continued from previous page [please, I need people to get this...] Ok people, here is the first and last word on dreadlocks! I am a black woman and it took less than a month for me to have completely developed locks (smaller ones that aren’t naturally formed take longer). In fact, I didn’t even separate my hair into sections, those divisions happened on their own. It was not extra work, it was not a challenge, and guess what?!! It wouldn’t have taken so easily if I had stopped washing it. This is a convenient functional hairstyle for many people who have incredibly kinky hard-to-deal-with hair. That being said, Humboldt: Stop lumping ethnic people with hippies and idiot plazoids! Yes, I have dreadlocks, but it’s because it used to take me more than three hours to comb my hair out. On top of this there were many other limitations based on weather, climate and things you can’t possibly imagine if you have a different kind of hair. People often don’t believe me, but it is a million times easier to deal with locks than my natural hair. More importantly, just because the hairstyle is associated with prominent stereotypes does not mean that everyone that sports the style is associated with them. This goes for both Hippies and Rastas. Hippies: If your dreadlocks are beautiful and don’t stink, regardless of your race, MORE POWER TO YOU! If you are gross, Fuck You! Stop spreading lice and playing hand drums poorly. Those of us with nice locks and a sense of rhythm don’t appreciate it. And Rastas: Guess what? You have one of the newest religions on this Earth. If you don’t believe it, look
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it up! The roots may be ancient, but your ties to the dreadlock hairstyle are not so substantial that you get to dictate who gets to wear their hair in this fashion. I only mention this because I have been aggressively accosted, on more than one occasion, with the ridiculous notion that I must take someone else’s religion into consideration before I style my hair in a way it naturally gravitates to. A style everyone probably rocked before the invention of combs. I call Bullshit! Am I not free? Don’t answer that. All this being said, this hairstyle, (especially worn by someone benefiting from its functionality), does not imply that the wearer listens to Reggae, Dubstep or Jam Bands. It also does not lend itself to using subpar slang like “sister”, “Goddess” and completely random utterances of “Namaste”. Personally, I’m a fucking Metalhead-Rockergirl! Yeah, I’m black and I like Carcass and the Melvins. My good days start with Motorhead and end with Iron Maiden. Stop trying to stereotype people based on hair and skin tone. You sound like idiots. I have dreadlocks, I wash my hair and I have no use for your fucking spare change. Namaste assholes!!!
Local artist Jesse Wiedel interprets Savage Henry
Drea
Send your comm ents, attitu des or props to S.H.I.T. editor@sava gehen rymagazine.com or 791 8th Street Suite N - Arcata, CA 95521 All perspe ctives are welco me.
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Vincent Van Bro I love bitches, and for a skinny ginger like me the quickest way into a broad’s pantaloons was with a paint brush. Metaphorically, of course; I wasn’t hacking my way in there or anything.Those brushes are expensive! But you tell some silly chicken she’d look dope immortalized forever in oil as a tribute to her eternal hotness in ways that only your genius mind can imagine, those panties will drop fast enough to injure you. I called them “inkwells,” as they were always willing to let me dip my quill, yet soon I grew weary of the ease with which I was able to bed these skanks. Sure, they were damaged souls, but they lacked the necessary life experiences that make a woman truly amazing in the sack. Naturally I frequented professional whores like any boss man would -- that would always be part of my boning repertoire -- but I desired more.
When I first started bedding widows I was amazed at how awesome it was, like having an affair you’re certain you won’t be caught during. Not to mention, these broads had fully-furnished homes; no more alleyways or cat houses, just sweet featherbeds and fresh baked bread. Plus they usually had kids to do all the manual labor, which left me more time to knock wooden shoes. Life was good. I just never considered they’d get so attached; I let them know I was “married to my art, and you’re the mistress to my passion” and all that horseshit, so I thought I had covered my bases. But bitches be cray. T’was a brisk afternoon, and I was headed to my favorite brothel for a bit of the old in & out, hoping they’d have a batch of fresh poon for me to chose from. The world was my sex oyster. I noticed a commotion and looked up to a stranger running towards me. “This is for Mary!!! SHE LOVED YOU!” He screeched, brandishing a smallish but potentially-lethal knife. As my assailant slashed at the air my mind raced. Who the fuck is Mary? Wait, I thought her husband was dead! Did he just cut my head? He indeed had, confirmed as I felt the sticky human sap pouring down my neck and pooling at my clavicle. I could feel something dangling on my jaw and slapping under my face; reaching up, I tore off the last bit of meat holding it on and came face to face with my ear. WTF? Enraged, I unsheathed my own knife and plunged
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Leslie Small, contributor
SO I SENT THAT BITCH AN EAR
BITCHES LOVE EARS it deep into the man’s chest, and with a death rattle he muttered, “You fucked over my sister... I fucked up your face.” So now I’m holding a dead man in one hand and my ear in the other, and in broad daylight, no less! You've gotta be fucking kidding me! I dragged his body into an alley, covered it in hay, and staggered down the street to reevaluate some of my life’s choices. I happened upon the brothel, where I was greeted by a familiar sex worker -- I couldn't recall her name, but I could paint her ass from memory. I pressed into her palm the bloody remains of my ear, said not a word and barged into the cat-house. There she bandaged my “self-inflicted” wound and made vigorous love to me, an experience that was heightened by my blood loss. The hooker assumed I was the most eccentric romantic she had ever encountered. I chilled on the widow tip for a while, and never actually figured out who Mary was, nor was I ever accused of murdering that ear slicing bastard. My hearing still intact, and a fresh batch of inkwells to delve into, I was no worse for wear. In fact, I was knocking more clogs than ever. Bitches love artists. The one thing I forgot about was my propensity to have my earlobes nibbled.
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LEND ME AN EAR
Spencer DeVine, contributor
Van Gogh was no doubt one of the greatest artistic minds of all time, while also being real real nutty. Despite his art though we all know what he’s famous for, yes that’s correct reader, Van Gogh supposedly cut off his own ear and sent it to his lover. Van Gogh was an awful secret Santa. However, by no means was he the only artsy fart in history to lose an ear. Here are some of the recovered records from the 2013 Hoboken Universal Continental Globe Atlas Collection archives cataloging others with the same affliction. All of titles of the works have been pre-translated into an understandable form for the modern English speaker. Artist: Unidentified Stone Age painter affectionately named Kevin (France-appx. 8,000 b.c.) Preferred form: cave painting Most famous work: “Goat Sacrifice En Flambe’” Method of ear loss: victim of first ever slumber party ear piercing (before Freaky Friday even) Artist: Het Widn (Egypt, appx 3000 b.c.-2950 b.c.) Preferred form: hieroglyphics Most famous work: “Rameses II’s Spectacular Brunch” Method of ear loss: fell asleep with his ear by a hot fire, before guards cut it off for laziness
Artist: Gustav Eyra (Iceland, 1827-1897) Preferred form: oil painting Most famous work: “Workers Working at Work” Method of ear loss: misplaced at a crazy Christmas party and never found again Artist: Jim Clust (America 1935-2000) Preferred form: Pop Art Most famous work: “Sardines in Top Hats” Method of ear loss: Polio?
Artist: Phidias αυτί (Greece, 491 b.c.-431 b.c.) Preferred form: architectural design Most famous work: “Aqueduct Tales (Oo-oo)” Method of ear loss: caught in a wheel while working pit crew for a chariot race
Artist: Phil “Ghost” Oor (America, 1988-) Preferred form: knit caps Most famous work: “Blue knit cap with a whale on it” Method of ear loss: got gauges so big his ears legally no longer exist as viable body parts
Artist: Florence Orecchio (Italy, 400 a.d.- 476 a.d.) Preferred form: sculpture Most famous work: “Column Resembling Yet Not Representing a Phallus” Method of ear loss: removed by bookies as “interest” for a bad pottery investment
@SpencerTDevine
Artist: 郭 耳 (China, 1100-1190) Preferred form: landscape painting Most famous work: garden of my jerk neighbor 克雷格 (Craig) Method of ear loss: cut off his own ear to toss into neighbor’s yard in a botched spying attempt Artist: Francis Aurem (England, 1630-1713) Preferred form: oil painting Most famous work: “God in an Orange” Method of ear loss: fisticuffed clean off by a Catholic priest during a riot
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Memo from the Boss: An Interoffice Letter from the CEO of ConAgra Foods Zack Newkirk, staff
FROM THE DESK OF: Fred L. Carson
TO: The executive staff
Are you guys joking me? Holy smokes.
I go on one lousy vacation -- just one -- and I come back to this? Who did I leave in charge? Monkeys? No, I didn't, and I know this for fact, because I took the monk eys with me on vacation. OK, so it was my fifth vacation in the last few months. OK, the last month. I've got a lot on my plate, you guys. You know this! I ask one simple thing of you: that you run my company and make my decisions and have free reign over all products and advertising and financ es and stock market stuff until I get back. And then this happens? Holy smokes, you guys. Are you joking me? You know I didn't ask for this job, right? I told the guys I wasn't right for it. I said I have problems. Debts. I'm gonna have to leave a lot, I said. On paid vacations, I said. They said no problem. BUT THIS IS A PROBLEM. I don't know how to say this as a professiona l boss-to-underling decree, but here it goes: I order you to stop production of all new ConAgra products under the following names: Honey Bunches of Goats Chef Boyarhitler
Woman Fries
Shart Nuggets in Sauce
Are you guys seriously idiots? You can't call products that. I mean, I know I gave you a lot of leeway, and yes, I did say, literally, "Go ahead and make up new produ cts and name them and sell them while I'm gone with the monkeys," but good holy smokes and holy heck already. "Goats?" Holy heck, saints alive. Also, I saw the plans for the new stuff you guys drew up, and I say no to: Charles Manson Brand Donut Holes
JewBurgers
Porn Gum
Saints above. Saints be praised. Do you even realize what I'm trying to do here? I can breed with a monkey. I'm telling you, it's gonna happen. I will create a new race, and then the shareholders will reward us all. Do you get it? But hey, when the CEO of ConAgra Foods is away, the idiots he left in charge will play, right? I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF BEHA VIOR ANYMORE. Fred L. Carson CEO, ConAgra Foods
P.S. I'm gonna go ahead and green-light casual Fridays. I saw it in the suggestion box, and I'm all for it. Keep morale up and all that.
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Palindrome of the Month
Bad Public Art in Portland Satan’s Testicle
Ray McMillin, contributor
(W. Burnside and 10th, NW Portland)
The giant metallic failure, referred to by locals as “that art-type thing near Powell’s Books,” has been the subject of one-sided controversy ever since the city of Portland spent upwards of a few million dollars to dump it onto a random vehicle stalling intersection. If you fondle the metal nutsack from below, not only will the “art” move, but you will be immediately stamped as a tourist (one who tours to Portland, at that). Satan’s Testicle is so hated by the city that even Voodoo Donut refuses to make a custom pastry in its honor (and they make penis-shaped donuts that taste like cigarettes and minimum wage).
The Fidelity National Tittie Groper (SW 4th, downtown Portland)
Margot trades used art to Gram.
Portland’s subtle endorsement of rape culture becomes disgustingly apparent upon further examination of the city’s most un-addressed piece of public art. Not only does the Fidelity National Tittie Groper statue fountain feature a straight, white man reaching for the breast of an unsuspecting, distracted, wet woman, but it sits immediately next to the public transit mall. Who riding the bus is going to see this display as anything other than a cheap thrill at best (or a potentially dangerous motivation at worst)? Unless the floating guy with the disproportionately girthy stone wang is checking for lumps on the statue modeled after the girl from shampoo commercials, one can only assume that this specific piece of art represents a pissed-off sculptor and the last project he was ever commissioned to do.
Belmont Stick Nest (SE Portland near Morrison Bridge)
This last Christmas, my nephews got a Kinex rollercoaster toy that took me (autism spectrum) and my brother-in-law (tax accountant) approximately 17 hours to assemble. Putting sticks together to make something is tough business. However, it took a “professional artist” over a year to arrange metal sticks into something completely void of curves or moving parts. And thanks to whoever tossed together this waste of grant funding, nearly every commuter traveling the Morrison bridge on the way to their wage-slave job is reminded that someone is able to pay rent because they built this pile of metallic whatever. On the upside, the Belmont Stick Nest is surprisingly resilient to bird shit.
Art Alexakis (Various bars in the Portland vicinity)
This bankrupt has-been singlehandedly destroyed the alternative rock scene, and is often seen in public looking to be seen in public. With pick-up lines to the tune of, “Hey, remember when tribal tattoos were cool?” and an endless supply of off-neon hair dye, Art Alexakis is a self-contained time capsule fueled by decaf coffee and regret. Even though the band’s last charting album was released before the birth of my legal-age girlfriend, Everclear continues to pretend as if their next big break is right around the corner. Therefore, Art continues to endorse his band’s level of public relevance on the off chance that Floater should ever need a co-headliner for their reunion tour. Send your sculptures and metal rods to Twitter: @StatutoryRay
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Buddy Knight
from Chowchilla State Prison
Catty Mean Girl
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Craig Klapman
Local artist Matt Beard interprets Savage Henry
Sausage & Olives
The History of the Puppy Calendar Sarah Godlin, historian The first calendar to feature puppies appeared on this earth in 1904. It was actually a to-do list for a Thursday painted on a young cocker spaniel as a joke by 12-year-old Bradley Knickens. Knickens’ sense of humor and ability to drink water from a regular glass had been impaired by a kick from his father’s gelding, Topper, a boy-horse with no balls. The cocker spaniel’s name was Trudy. Trudy ate her own feces.
The to-do list elicited no giggles or comments from Knickens’ family, who had all agreed, previously, to ignore the child until he began acting “right in the head.” In attempts to push boundaries for a laugh, Knickens took the joke further.
Trudy’s mother, a bitch named Queenie, was made to hold still while young Knickens drew the complete month of February (chosen for brevity) on her side. It felt good. Drawing calendars on dogs quickly became a hobby of his, and he was sent away to be someone else’s problem. In his spare time at boarding school, and with no access to live dogs, Knickens “flipped the script,” as they said in those days, and put dogs on calendars instead of the other way around. His work quickly went viral, especially his work with puppies, and imitators popped up everywhere. The puppy calendar continues to be a bestseller at calendar kiosks all over the world. It is largely responsible for the popularity of the puppy. Before puppy calendars, puppies were kept for doorstops and bookends, but presently they are used for love and child substitutes. And bookends.
It did not end well for Bradley Knickens, who died in 1913, at age 23, from complications of being inside of a mastiff. If the world can learn anything from Knickens, let it be that when tying a bonnet on a mastiff for calendarial reasons, it will try to put you inside of itself via its teeth and mouth. 856 10th St. Arcata 707.826.2739 Friday Feb. 14 Absynth Quintet-Valentines Day
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Rejected Crayola Colors
Rejected Crayola Colors Cornell Reid, staff
Penis Vein Purple
Everyone loves literature’s “purple-headed warriors,” but it proved nearly impossible to make a crayon throb.
I guess it’s not really appropriate but it really is the best way to describe this color.
Maroon 5 Magenta
Crayola actually already had a maroon, so the closest they could give Maroon 5 was a magenta. Maroon 5 was excited about it but children all over the world quickly agreed that it sucked.
It’s Blue But It’s Like Kinda Green Too
Fucking Orange
Crayola had a giant Christmas party and let the janitor name a crayon! The crayon was rejected and the janitor was fired soon after.
Danny Devito’s Gums Black
Kind of hard to translate this concept to a crayon. After much debate about what shade this crayon should be, it was dropped.
Bieber’s Butthole Pink
Same thing, it’s kinda hard to translate Chris Kattan to a crayon. After realizing the star of “Corky Romano” was actually made of many different colors, he was dropped.
I guess it’s not really appropriate but it really is the best way to describe this color.
Scientists found that Danny Devito’s gums aren’t actually just black, but they’re a constantlychanging color that is impossible to predict. Ever since Bieber became a troublemaker the execs at Crayola decided to stop production of this color.
Racism
Chris Kattan
Shitty Crayon Brown
Just a really poorly-executed crayon. A beautiful shade of brown, but it didn’t even look like a crayon. It was all lumpy and curved.
OG Kush
Kids are kinda weak, honestly. They have no knowledge of the dank whatsoever!
Purple Pizzzzzzzzzzazzzzzzzzzzz It was actually blue
Sad Tampon
Turns out most kids don’t even know what tampons are, and parents were uncomfortable explaining the concept of a period to an infant, let alone what a tampon is and why the tampon feels so blue.
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From the Crayons of Babes
Kids say the darndest things, and they draw the even more darndest things. Entering the exciting world of children’s art is a journey like no other. Come along for the ride as we provide breakdowns of the artistic works of five young creative visionaries. Isaac Kozell, contributor
Home Is Where the Heart Is
Marker on Paper Timmy Friedman, Age 4 What Friedman lacks in perspective he more than makes up for in sheer emotion. Blue was the perfect choice for this moody piece, one that tells the harrowing tale of the time that he and his single father, Randy, were forced to evacuate the house due to a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Intentionally left out of the picture is Buster, the Friedmans’ beloved Corgi, whose lungs were no match for the odorless villain.
Everything in Its Right Place
Crayon on Paper Bethany Turner, Age 5 Part of her freeform crayon period, Turner's “Everything in Its Right Place” was inspired by Cameron Crowe's Vanilla Sky.The film was Turner's first exposure to both themes of surrealism and to Radiohead, so she drew a piano with a lion's face attached to it, which, for a 5-year-old, is pretty damn surreal.
Self Portrait
Crayon on Canvas Roy L. “Rocky” Dennis, Age 9 Dennis (1961-1978) had a way of making the unusual accessible. Even at a young age he showed a remarkable grasp of color and movement. The slash strokes of yellow signal a youthful lust for life tempered with the frustrating realization that he'll spend the rest of his days in futile pursuit of the perfect hat. Never before has craniodiaphyseal dysplasia looked so adorable.
So Many Dicks
Marker on Repurposed Wrapping Paper LaDonta Jackson, Age 3 Though she rejects the label, Jackson is a dyed-in-thewool feminist. The youngest and only girl in a family of eight children, she quickly learned that it is truly a man's world. However, Jackson believes that she can be a voice for change. “So Many Dicks” is a manifesto. A trumpet-call to her sisterhood. On the left, a phallic character with cartoonish eyes and mouth, a biting satire on the male obsession with anthropomorphizing the penis. On the right, intricate green squiggles, a section of which resembles a proud cock, symbolizing the male quest for money and power at all costs. This piece fetched $7.33 at auction, a record for Jackson.
Submission in Heaven's Pasture Mixed Media on Dry Erase Board Colby DeGrecio, Age 6 “I like horses more than fishes,” said DeGrecio, when asked to describe his work. To be honest, this picture is pretty much garbage. DeGrecio should stick to his day job, which is currently a combination of wetting his pants and asking for snacks.
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Dr. shoeChucker
A User’s Guide To Modern Artists Everyone is an artist now. From Etsy-istas to half-assed crappy street stencils, we’ve been inundated with mountains of meaningless bullshit “creativity.” The reason is simple: People have been coddled and babied, and everything they have ever scratched out was hung on the refrigerator before it was posted on YouTube, and now they not only expect 15 minutes of fame, but demand a lifetime of it. It should come as no surprise, then, that they are the most narcissistic generation of jackass “artistes” ever to pollute the planet. This also makes them the easiest group of people to take advantage of, especially for basic human needs like sex and drugs. What we need, then, is a set of guidelines for getting the most out of them. While there are numerous kinds of artists, we will limit our discussion to three of the easiest to exploit. Hipster Artists are the most pretentious of the lot. They can be identified by tacky mustachios and contemporary vintage clothing like cardigans. If it happens to be a woman, the mustachio will appear inside the index finger of her dominant hand. Assuming she is not wearing fingerless gloves, you can easily check for this mark by looking through her wine glass while she’s taking a dramatic sip during a pause for emphasis as she patters on about her new installation and how it redefines the art of some jargony bullshit. She will be sufficiently distracted with herself that you could also thoroughly evaluate her rack at the same time. Hipster artists, boys and girls alike, are generally cute – mostly because they haven’t gotten old enough to fade or to know better. Use them for cheap dirty sex and their friends’ phone numbers. Take advantage of their pretentiousness with some meaningless platitudes and don’t forget to double-bag it.
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Street Artists put forth an appearance of being more down-to-earth. Do not let this fool you. They are just as uptight as hipster artists. They can be identified by baggy clothing covered with bizarre illegible writing, or “script.” Although it is easy to confuse the two, street artists can be differentiated from juggalos by slightly-improved speech patterns and a shred more intelligence. They are most susceptible to compliments about how their new stencils rival Mr. Brainwash, poising them to become 21st century cultural icons. You can also distract them by playing into their repressed homoerotic fantasies and discussing masculinist activities like professional wrestling or hip-hop. Use those opportunities to pocket their marijuana.
Hippie Artists can be identified by the same outdated disheveled filthy fashion sense that has been pigpenning public plazas for decades. The most gullible of all artists discussed here, hippy artists can be plied with almost any exaggeration or lie you can think of. Like hipster artists, though, they also tend to be cute. If you can get past the smell and the excess hair you can easily use them for sex, although the oral variety is less likely to give you scabies, herpes, cooties, Chlamydia, or most of their other common maladies. Since you should already be getting your sexual needs fulfilled by a string of hipster artists it is best to use the hippy artist for drugs. But they are also likely to be unemployed leeches, so approach them with caution. You should be able to trade some of the pot you lifted from the street artist for disproportionate amounts of molly or ketamine if you can make them believe that you used to know Wavy Gravy and that the crocheted hats they’re selling are some of the best you’ve ever seen.
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ALBUM REVIEWS
The more PBR cans still standing - the more the album sucked.
Brother Dege - How to Kill a Horse Cee Cee Hill, contributor
Brother Dege has been a regular of the underground music scene in Louisiana for the last 20 years. He plays what he describes as “Delta blues adapted for the 21st century.” One of his songs was recently used in Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained, generating some much deserved interest and attention. His songs transport you to Louisiana’s summer nights. It’s too hot to be inside, so you sit in a rocking chair on the front porch, sipping Southern Comfort over ice. You find yourself stomping your feet, clapping and eventually howling uncontrollably. How to Kill a Horse is a great modern blues record, but Brother Dege is at his best live, especially in small, non-ventilated basements. If he sacrifices some heart and soul for his newly acquired success, it’s well worth it. He needs to be heard.
Rating: 9 out of 12 cans of PBR
Lady Gaga - ARTPOP
Leah Brzezinski, Midwestern music correspondent
What is “ARTPOP?” I’ve purposely avoided giving a rat’s ass about Ms. Gaga, but finally relented. It’s the theme, people!
Look at this title—in all caps! It’s already annoying me. A glance at the track list -“G.U.Y,” “MANiCURE,” “Jewels n’ Drugs,” “Sexxx Dreams” - there’s little doubt. This shit is totally ART . . . and POP! It’s ARTPOP! After a listen, it’s just sort of bizarre, remixable club samples strung together into simple dance songs. Decent techno beats, pleasant, unobtrusive vocals; she’s part Madonna, part Kate Bush, part Marilyn Manson. I’m both offended and amused by the smutty lyrics (G.U.Y. stands for “Girl Under You,” by the way. N.A. Nice Acronym). I’ll admit it’s stuck in my head, especially “Do What U Want” and “Applause.” Sure, I’d use it as a workout or a hatesex soundtrack, or for drunken 3:00 a.m. dancing at a gay bar/ alone in my apartment. Regardless, shame will be involved. That’s actually a pretty good litmus test for most art/pop.
Rating: 5 out of 12 cans of PBR
Everyone Is Dirty Mama, No!!! (single)
Raj Noogmosh, contributor
Everyone Is Dirty has the tragic circumstance of being heavily influenced by all that was terrible about ‘90s grunge. That movement, much like a literal bowel movement, started explosively, but was followed by a steady stream of shit that, by the end of the decade, had slowed to a trickle. Each carbon copy of a photocopy band kept the faded lines of the original while retaining none of the color that made the music so vibrant in the first place. The soft verse-loud chorus framework in Everyone Is Dirty’s new single, Mama No! is what Nirvana was doing 20 years ago. This band borrows, not from that Nirvana, necessarily, but from the bands that borrowed from them: Creed and Bush, plus a healthy dose of every female singer who’s ever ripped off Shirley Manson from Garbage. Everything about this group, from their name to the song title, is calculated to evoke angst: the watereddown weak sister of rage.
Rating: 2 out of 12 cans of PBR
Tattoo of the Month
(F)art tattoo 30
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0 1 s ’ n e B
Ben Allen, music editor
Volume XLVI:
Art Garfunkel’s Hair: A Photo Retrospective A.G. trying his hardest to look seductive with a smug smile, sexy V-Neck shirt, and a receding hairline like a Jewish Bozo the Clown.
Here we find Art looking like your weird, perverted uncle who unnecessarily dresses up for relatively mundane occasions. “Happy 11th birthday, George; I wore this tux and my spectacles just for you!” The sharp suit and frizzy, playful hair does nothing to deter the fact that he resembles a nefarious villain from some awful B-Movie.
Garfunkel is no stranger to the theatre and acting world. Unfortunately for him, he failed this audition for Napoleon Dynamite! There must have been some type of shocking event as Garfunkel looks vaguely dazed here. His hair is also extra frizzed, as if he was attempting to make love to a live electrical outlet.
Here is Art looking like a woman you might meet at a senior water aerobics class.
Later in life, A.G. let his beard grow and began expressing his creativity with boring landscape paintings. Art worked hard during the peak of his popularity with Paul Simon. Sometimes he dressed like a pirate and just wanted to lie down on a park bench. This smile signifies Art’s confidence in his solo career despite being dismissed by critics and largely ignored by all humanity. To comfort himself, he walked across the continental U.S.
This photo was taken immediately after a failed business meeting with a music industry executive. Due to his lack of popularity, his management team was attempting to book him a national tour playing exclusively at Chuck E. Cheese restaurants. 32
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Artist’s Statement Josh Duke, staff
Hip to be SqUarE Microsoft Paint
Local artist Sheik interprets Savage Henry
proletariat feminist that yearns within the This tableau represents the internal struggle of the can see within it a reckoning of sorts that zeitgeist existing in each individual SuperEgo. You phallic yonni, all while achieving a sense attempts to break free the bondage of our collect can observe a detailed representation of ordered anarcho-socialism. Along the edges you ly seen by anyone with discerning taste, of my relationship with my mother, which, as clear doned and born out of a cocoon. I chose was tumultuous and loving, as though I were aban its sheer simplicity contrasts sharply with Microsoft Paint as the medium for my art because . By implementing a cog in this giant its belonging to the corporate machine of Microsoft bling spirit of anonymity that once again contrivance of technology, I can tap into a resem all of her kin. You will also notice that loops back to the relationship with my mother and no bodily joints, nor is there an attempt there are no ‘hips” in this piece; meaning there are ose that, like a child, I was attempting to for it to be “cool” or “popular” in any way. I supp art appreciator. This juvenile attempt to mischievously throw off the otherwise philistine , representing the patriarchal hegemony that mislead the viewer is really a piece of the art itself You, me, us, them, are part of the problem. we, in the modern social media age, now live in. simple of shapes, we can find serenity and This piece is here to show us that even in the most cend the boundaries that have long since complexity, and in that complexness we can trans , Paint, and even art itself. We are social shackled us to things like my mother, Microsoft l creatures, and only through art pieces creatures living in an era of proximity to other socia of the solution. Only my brother was more such as mine is there seen a way to become a part llation shall be a summarily equal showing of serendipitous than my mother, and my next insta of great exploration, and even you viewing my relationship with his social media. This is a time unchecked privilege biased patriarchy. But this art is an act of art itself, even with all of your , it has given me sufficient time to pick your by the time you have finished reading this piece n’t going to buy this piece of shit, anyway. pocket and be 20 blocks away. I knew you were y being a part of my performance art. You should have donated to my Kickstarter. Enjo
We’re turning
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get ready
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Art Artman, The First Artist Nuno Amaral, contributor
Due to a recent archaeological discovery, the true story of the first work of art can now be told. Our story begins 1.3 million years ago and centers around a caveman named Art Artman… the inventor of art.
Art Artman was a caveman and a cartoonist. As a cartoonist, Art wanted one thing -the one thing that all cartoonists want, but could never have: sex. The cavewoman Art wanted to sex with the hardest was Margret Von Pretent, the mayor’s daughter, but how could a lowly cartoonist ever club such a fine piece of bronto-ass?
One day while Art worked outside on his cartoon about mammoth-bellied meats, Mayor Brock Von Pretent ran by and knocked over Art’s paint. Looking down at the random splotches of paint on the stone slab filled the Mayor’s heart with a myriad of caveman emotions. “What is this amazing thing?” inquired the Mayor.
Art thought for a second and then replied, “I call it… art. Do you like?”
Art began to explain to the Mayor that for him to have such an appreciation for “art” meant that he is a great man and that anyone who is anyone needs to have this in their cave.
“This ‘art’ makes me feel ways about stuff,” said the mayor. “I need 10 more of these for my cave wall.”
All of Mayor Von Pretent’s rich and influential friends loved the “art” so much that soon Art Artman was a worldwide hit. All of Art’s dreams would come true. Due to a lack of caveman equality laws Margret Von Pretent was forced to marry Art, who would become super rich and, due to his world stature, all creative works would come to be known as art. Mayor Von Pretent, as the first and greatest art appreciator, would have something named after him as well. All great art appreciators would come to be known as “pretentious.” Mayor Von Pretent was also into organic cigarettes (because they’re way healthier for you), only ate local grass-fed mammoth, and was a weekend vegan (except for on Sundays because that was his free day).
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Sonny Wong: Arting the Covers Isaac Kozell, staff He’s an artist, rapper, father, and all-around rad dude. He’s Sonny Wong, and his creative brilliance has graced the cover of Savage Henry Magazine for every issue. Sonny put down the paint for a minute to talk with us about love, art, music, and life in general.
Sonny Wong: Arting the Covers
Isaac Kozell: Hey, Sonny, let's set the scene here for the readers. Where are you right now? (If it's somewhere incriminating, just say, "The mall.") Sonny Wong: I'm in my Secret Lair, deep in the bowels of Ferndale, California. IK: Ferndale, The Romance Capital of Humboldt County. Are your Valentine's Day plans in place yet? SW: Oh, yes. As I get older I get much better at planning things like Valentine's in advance. Let's just say that one lucky little lady is getting a nice custom piece of art. IK: You smooth son of a bitch. You wear a lot of hats, both literally and figuratively. How would you describe yourself professionally? SW: Professionally, I'm a hard-working sonuvabitch. I've dedicated my life to survive off of my skills as an artist and I take that very seriously, mainly to show my children that you can do whatever you set your mind to in this life. As a side note, I also play just as hard as I work, for the same reason. IK: That's inspiring. How many kids do you have and what is the coolest thing about them? Free license to gush. SW: I have two kids. My son is 11 and my daughter is 7. There is so much cool in them that I couldn't point out the coolest thing. They are my inspiration and my best friends. IK: What influence has your family had on your art? SW: Well, I'm already big into cartoons and anime, which always has influenced my art. I'd say that by
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Photo by Chuck Johnson
having a little girl, I also got a chance to learn how to draw Hello Kitty and My Little Ponies. The real influence I get from my kids is the openness to draw and create and to be childlike and free. They always give me their feedback when it comes to my paintings and drawings. IK: I think it's impossible for kids to not give their opinions. It's both beautiful and terrifying. How did you get into graffiti? SW: I was always attracted to graffiti from being into hip-hop. I was fascinated by it before I even understood it. I was officially introduced to graffiti in 1992 when I had moved to Santa Rosa to go to Junior College. One night, before the semester had started, I was skating around trying to learn the town when I randomly ran into an ex-girlfriend who was coming out of a punk show with her date at two in the morning. Her date was a skater also and we were talking about skate spots and she had told him that I was an artist. Turned out that he was a graffiti writer. We hit it off immediately and over the next week or so, he took me to all the graffiti yards in Santa Rosa. I was hooked. I was eventually put in his crew and I never stopped. 22 years later... IK: What is one of the most common misconceptions about graffiti and its artists? SW: The most common misconception is that graffiti is gang related. It is true, gangs do also write on walls.
www.savagehenrymagazine.com 39 Continued next page...
WONG: Continued from previous page... Most graffiti crews would be closer related to a soccer team than a gang. IK: How do you feel about "celebrity" graffiti artists, like Banksy and Shepard Fairey? SW: It's cool with me. Although, I wouldn't consider Banksy or Shepard graffiti artists. To me, they embody the "street art" movement, not graffiti. Graffiti is about letters and spray paint. IK: Have you checked out Justin Bieber's recent work?
SW: I'm in a local rap crew called The Dirty Rats. A project I am currently working on with three of my crew members -- two rappers named KUSH and CALLOUS, and our producer, GMG -- is called, "KUSH, CALLOUS & WONG are the Treacherous Three.” It is a side project we've been working on for the past year and a half and have finally got it all recorded and mixed. Let it be known that there is a rumor of a new rap group I've been invited to join that consists of some of the gang over at Savage Henry called “The Royals.” IK: Oh, snap! Any other talents we should be aware of? SW: Naw. I'm just a simple dude doing the things that make me happy.
SW: I did see something in the news… a gorilla, or monkey head, or something. IK: Yeah, that's the one. Bieber has a real knack for racism. And dancing. Can't forget about the dancing. Which brings me to music. Tell me about your hip-hop project.
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wongworld.tumblr.com
sonnywong.bandcamp.com
Photo by Joey Miller
sheikvswong.wordpress.com
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Restaur ant Review Burger Central You won’t believe how good this gas station burger is. “The cheeseburger” as art isn’t a new concept. People have been adding fried eggs and other crap to burgers and calling it art since the first patty was pounded into a flat circle. Or a square if you are Wendy (true fact: Wendy was an idiot). If you get too far off-track with weird ingredients or use donuts as buns you alienate regular Americans… burger-eating Americans. Can we all agree that McKinleyville, Ca is filled with regular Americans? Yes? Good. Can we agree that adding weird stuff isn’t always art? Sometimes art is doing something regular really, really well. And sometimes art is done in gas stations. Burger Central, though, located in the Chevron on Central Ave, makes a burger that angels weep over (because baby Jesus asks that they maintain a vegan diet).
Sarah Godlin, staff Faaaaaantastic. These burgers deserve a 7 a - fantastic. Don’t let the gas station fool you. These are not 7-11 burgs.
Also, Chinese scientists (burgerologists?) have discovered that the best way to hold a burger is with your pinkies under the bun. This will stop stuff from squishing out the back. Here is a very chinese graphic explaining in pictures what I just said in words:
Humboldt grass fed cows brag to other cows that they get to be turned into Burger Central burgers. The staff even asks you how you’d like your patty cooked. I go with medium because we can’t all be wild.
This paragraph is dedicated to the bun. THE BUNS ON THESE THINGS! Kris Jenner couldn’t have birthed buns this awesome. I wish I knew the story behind these damn buns but I don’t. Nice reporting. The point is that these buns make this burger. They are way beyond the sesame seeded bores that usually flank a beef patty. It will take what seems like forever. That is a fact. You have Flappy Bird on your phone, though. The wait is 100% worth it.
Burger Central 1693 Central Ave. - 10am -9pm Rating: 5 out of 5 Artsy ketchup packets
Here is a tip: If you are taking your burger to go, have them stack it sideways (think In-n-Out) because these puppies are juicy in the best sort of way and you probably don’t want that in your glorious bun.
Share your good, bad, strange or interesting reviews. Picture = extra credit. We reserve the right to edit . 791 8th Street - Suite N, Arcata CA 95521 ~ editor@savagehenrymagazine.com 42
www.savagehenrymagazine.com 43
TO FRAME OR NOT TO FRAME
Sarah Godlin, staff
Kids come home with all kinds of crap from school. Lice, ideas about ugly-ass shoes being cool, smelly friends, and classroom art. 03% of this “art” is awesome and should be framed. The rest will be placed on your refrigerator anyway until you splash lentil soup on it “on accident” and it goes into the trashcan. Here are some examples of kid art that should be framed:
You could go to Michael’s to get it framed but Michael’s is far away. Do you really want to take your kids and their smelly playdates with ugly ass shoes all the way there? There is a local framer next to the Co-Op in Arcata. His name is Bob and he’ll sort you out.
Fart: Smell It and Sell It Bryant Kellison, contributor There’s something in the air, something so sweet and pungent it’s making hip local artists buttloads of cash. Welcome to the world of FART, an innovative medium that makes visual art almost seem shitty: the buying and selling of bodily perfumes, sealed in jars. Many enthusiasts and creators, known as fartists, strive for uniqueness and individuality, searching for something far more aromatic than eggs or broccoli. True genius comes from within; that creative blast may emerge following a grilled cheese sandwich, that breakfast burrito slathered in runny salsa, or perhaps the dog had an off-day. Fuck, Picasso was right! It is cool to be a rip-off.
People say strange things. Especially out of context. And when they forget other people can hear them. If you hear something ridiculous, think of us, and of your fellow Savage Henry readers. Send them to us. Buy Weed the Game at these Fine Retailers: HPRC, Pacific Paradise, Schatzi’s, Trim Scene Solutions, The Hemp Connection, The Humboldt County Collective, and weedthegame.com Produced in Humboldt by Stoner Brothers Games-Live the Dream
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We love postcards. 791 8th Street Suite N Arcata, CA 95521 But we'll take an email too editor@savagehenrymagazine.com
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Who is Banksy?
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Banksy, the elusive, mythological street artist -- he who one day tags up the alleys and call boxes in London, and the next hits the billboards and freeway signs of LA -- is a mystery. No one knows who the real person or people are behind the stencil pieces with a social commentary flair. Well, we started a think tank with some grant money for BAG, or Businesses Against Graffiti, to find this troublemaker. Here’s our list of who may possibly be the real Bansky. Chris Durant, staff
Jim Morrison
After living in France he really felt the call of the famous painters and artists found in the museums of the city. He wanted to be a real artist, but since he was going by the alias JoJo Running Bear, and no one knew who he was, he couldn’t afford the supplies. That’s when he picked up street arts.
Tupac Shakur
The photo below, taken last May, leads us to believe there’s a strong possibility Tupac is the stenciler.
DB Cooper
This guy held a plane in the air for ransom to get enough money for paint and stencil materials.
Andy Kaufman
This is the strongest lead our think tank came up with. He does all of his paintings in the Latka voice.
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Art In The Alehouse Stand-up comedy can take place anywhere, and it often does. Outside the safe haven of comedy clubs, comedians are stuffed into casinos, restaurants and bars. Sometimes, a bar show can be the most horrific gig a comic has to endure. Now, don’t get me wrong, because a bar show can be great, but, does comedy necessarily belong there? Lately I’ve been wrestling with the question “Does this art form (one I hold in such high regard) belong in this drunken dump?” I’ve been pondering this after years and years of playing dive after dive. Simply put, the art of comedy doesn’t always get its due respect in some boozedrenched neighborhood haunt. I suppose it’s also fair to question whether comedy is art at all. After all, if you go to any open mic, it’s saturated with rape jokes, topped off with a thick sprinkling of poopy and pee-pee references. That aside, I’ll go to bat for stand-up and say that I believe it is an art. Maybe it’s not Da Vinci, but it’s art, and not an easy one. The comedian's words are chosen and arranged with intent; comedy is the inbred cousin of poetry. Their fluctuations hide meaning all on their own, the comedian’s voice can flow like music, like a singer… usually an underpaid and sexually-frustrated singer. The joke-teller is painting a picture, most often a character, with the weapons of innuendo, puns, and misdirection. The comedian must perform many tasks simultaneously: blocking, crowd reading, and dealing with check drops, all the while attempting to solicit a single-minded reaction from a group of strangers. Now, if you still don’t think stand-up comedy is an art, then obviously I’m not going to change your mind. You
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Andrew Ouellette, contributor
will continue to think of it as the equivalent to karaoke. Don’t worry; I find most people’s passions to be tedious, and I often feign interest for the sake of civility. However, this isn’t a live performance; you’re only reading this. So feel free to tune out if you think comedy is… a joke. (See what Photo by Dutch Savage I did there? Hahaha.. ha… he he… *clears throat*) Grab yourself a nice glass of orange juice and go take a shit. Really, it’s fine. Go ahead. Go.
You still here? Okay, then you’re opened-minded enough to entertain the idea that dick jokes can be art. To reiterate: does comedy belong in a bar or does it deserve the respect of a stage designed specifically for the art form? A comedy club is a place that MAY contain fans who are more educated on comedy. Live performance, which hinges so much on an attentive audience, deserves to be performed in a place where hecklers are policed, and are not allowed to answer their cell phones midshow. Comedy clubs may have an overpriced menu and a two-drink minimum, but at least the jokes don’t echo into a soundscape of registers binging, phones ringing, and hormone-fueled chatter.
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A match made in Humboldt
Humboldt's Most Eligible Bachelorette Jen McFerrin, 34
Emily Hobelmann, contributor
Marketing Exec; Arcata
We caught up with Jen on a Thursday in beautiful downtown Garberville. She was on her way south, her weekend plans including a beer session at Lagunitas, a comedy show in SF, a VIP party, more comedy, Mayer Hawthorne at the Fox, a DJ set at Temple, and a Super Bowl shindig. All of this followed by back-to-back Tuesday/Wednesday Devil Makes Three shows in Humboldt County.
That’s Jen for you - she goes to shows so you don’t have to: “I will see a show at least once a week, but on a good week I’ll see two or three.” You could be her plus-one… She’s gonna go out anyway, if you want to come along.
Jen enjoys quality beer. “You can drink a Coors Light, but only if you pour bloody mary mix into it and only if it’s a day that you’re watching football. No Coors Light after dark,” she says. “Certain beers are only acceptable during the daylight hours.” Words to imbibe by. Jen’s currently into dark beers with this spring storminess, but she’s usually an IPA person. She enjoys quality coffee, too.
WHAT SHE'S SEEKING: Men who are open, honest,
communicative, and not too fussy. A man who can use his words; a man who can follow her train of thought.
ON STYLE: If you have a sense of style and you're
owning your look, she's going to notice. "I do like glasses and oh my god… Sideburns… I'm basically looking for a like ‘90s era punk rocker greaser," she tells us. "Or, like Luke Perry from Beverly Hills."
TEXT OR PHONE CALL:
"I'm totally fine with the phone call, but not for the first date." Jen is a textrovert. So text her, and be cute about it. She's a busy lady, she doesn't want to check voicemails. Use your technology.
BEST SECOND DATE: A nice home-cooked meal
Available at hydro, pet & hardware stores For more info visit www.hazel-parker.com 50
and good conversation: "I totally enjoy cooking with someone," she says. "I think that's a good way to see if you can jive with someone, like how you work in a kitchen together."
PDAs: "I think premature PDAs are totally not OK." However, Jen does welcome the occasional drunken makeout session. GUILTY PLEASURES:
Singing along to shitty pop music in the car; wcarne asada nachos.
FORWARD THINKERS: Man-child beware… Jen likes a guy who knows what he wants. "It feels like when a guy doesn't make his move, he's being wishy-washy about it." So ditch the diapers and man up! Jen will split the check with you at dinner, but first, you need to initiate the date.
MUSIC SENSE: "There's the East coast Phish-loving
guy. That's not really for me," she says. But a love of good bluegrass or good hip-hop… Yeah, by all means.
A RELATIONSHIP IS RIGHT: When Jen can go circulate the room at an event away from her date's side and he's cool, like he's holding his own… She lives for that shared moment of assurance, when her and her date lock eyes from across a busy room.
Jen can party for five days straight at High Sierra, turn around to throw on a vintage polka dot dress for a Mayer Hawthorne show. She involves herself with the most fun people, and she always stays true to herself. And she went to all-girls Catholic high school. (She kept all those plaid skirts… So, you know.) Also, Jen is a Chargers fan. Boom.
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Your Vasectom y Zack Newkirk
, staff
Thank you fo r choosing va sectomy by Doctors, LLC . "Vasectomy " is a fearful term to some men , but it needn 't be; no, it ne be in the leas edn't t. Relax. Here 's what to exp during today's ect procedure: 1) The receptio nist will be an attractive you woman, and h ng er eyes will ju dge you as yo fill out the req u uired forms. C an she have insurance card your ? Oh. That's w hat you have huh? It's OK. , I'm sure you'll get a better jo someday. b
2) Ignore the prying glance s of the other patients in the waiting room as the receptio loudly calls yo nist ur name, follo wed by "Vasectomy!" They are only here for simp checkups -- n le othing gross o r shameful, lik you. e 3) You should have been do ing Kegels, d for several m aily, onths leading up to today's procedure. W ait, you haven 't done any K at all? Uh... A egels ll right, well... h mm. It'll proba be fine. bly 4) Me vs. Mic haelangelo: W hat We Both Accomplished by Age 30 Th e nurse who preps you for the procedure will be even more attractiv e than the rece ptionist. She'll giggle, adora bly, at your ne rv ousness -- an at the minusc d ule size of yo ur inept phallu Don't forget th s. at she is abou t to shave you miserable, gn r arled genitals , if you have no already done t so yourself. What's that? A few scabbed-over nicks from the razo r? She hates yo u. She would ne ver consider datin ga hideous loser like you. Nice dou blechin, Philip S eymour Hoffman.
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the most 5) The doctor, improbably, will be subsists beautiful woman in the world. She the from on the shame that emanates who pay her embarrassed, disgusting "males" you didn't to remove their testicles. Hold on: and remove know that she was going to slice ll, that's We y? your testicles from your bod door is locked. what's about to happen. No, the
F.
ectomy is 6) You may have heard that a vas ectomy is, a painful procedure. It's not. A vas ure. Do not however, the most painful proced l chants as be alarmed by the the staff’s guttura inst your aga aw the doctor places her rusty jigs , god the fell scrotum; this is only so that their once again demon Cael-Hasophet, may live uctive blood. through the letting of your reprod
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Nailed it.
Unknown Art Styles Zeke Herrera, contributor Since the beginning of time there have been many different styles of art, from cave paintings to that lady who put her old maxi pads on display. With all the different styles it’s easy for some to get overlooked. Here are objectively the best art styles there are. They make Pointillism look like Frida Khalo ate Skittles and spit on a dead cat for 10 minutes. Die (H)Art: Using the blood of a fallen enemy to paint a warning on a sweater to your other enemies and later killing all of those enemies.
Shut up..
Abstract Orphanism: Only painting when your parents are nodding off from heroin. Misogynicism: A woman paints the same thing as a man but gets paid a dollar less per hour and when she complains you say she was asking for it because the way she's dressed.
Santorumism: Painting using the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. Post-Hipster Expressionism: Using paint infused with the first half of a PBR because halfway through pouring it becomes too mainstream. W. Bushoque: Taking a selfie in the bathroom using oil pastels that you gained from invading foreign countries.
Brave Art: Much like face painting, but you reveal later in your career you that you're extremely racist.
Like Abstraction: Painting blue thumbs-up that you put on other paintings that you're fond of.
No, I’m serious. Shut up.
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Ok, That’s it. I’m going to need to confiscate your right to make decisions.
Conservative Realism: Painting scary things like stuff that didn't exist back in your day and is scary because it's new, like interracial sex, or kids on your lawn.
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The Glorious Art of Writing
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Andre Parker, contributor
Hello there! Hi. Welcome to my words bored reader! I am Andre Parker. World class writer of elegant things and wordsmith extraordinaire! I’ve won awards for my writing that are of such high value and prestige that your weak and poverty-soaked eyes could only dream of viewing such a glowing mark of achievement! But have heart my inexperienced friends! I am writing this particular piece for you today not as a king among men, but as a man among smaller men! And women too! Little women as well! Hello again! I’m Andre Parker. Lover. Eater of worlds. And loving father of nothing. So you are intrigued by the enchanting and wondrous world of wordcraft? Well, the pen is said to be mightier than the sword. Killing someone with words is a bit difficult, but it can be done and in many ways it’s much more rewarding than a blade through the neck, but I regress, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself... Forming full and complete thoughts is one of the 1. REPETITION-
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1. Hi there! It’s me again! Andre Parker! By now you’ve read my name a total of 4 times and you will surely not forget it by any means except possibly lobotomization . Repetition is a tool used much like color is used in a painting. By repeating something over and over again you are letting the reader know “Hey, this thing I keep saying is important and better than you! Don’t forget it!”-Andre Parker 1. GRAMMAR-
2. using grammar properly is what divides a master of the unspoken word from a mere “poop monkey” a true writer is beyond such restrictions and lets thoughts flow freely on to the page not worrying about thought out jail time and perimeters of chicken free guilt in the slightest emphasis of sex logic even if sex it doesn’t make sense sex sex sex lol OMG 1. REPETITION-
2. Hi there! It’s me again! Andre Parker! By now you’ve read my name a total of 6 times and you will surely not forget it by any means except possibly decapitation. Repetition is a tool used much like fear is used in authority. By repeating something over and over again you are letting the reader know “Hey, this thing I keep saying is important and better than you! Don’t forget it!”-Andre Parker#2014
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1. All great writers know that words mean nothing unless they come from the trenches of prolonged alcoholism. Personally, I try to have at least 2 gin and tonics before I began a piece. Summoning the great gin genie helps loosen the hand and break down those pesky barriers that society places on us creative types like “Logic” and “Positive Energy”
2. ALWAYS MAKE YOUR DEADLINE-
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1. A few months back I was asked by my wonderful and overtalented editor to write a piece about “Old Timey” things which was to be turned in by a specified date. Unfortunately, I owed the Korean cartels a sizable piece of my foot for breaking an “Old Timey” law involving an eel and fellatio... Long story short, if I hadn’t made that deadline with the Koreans, I would be dead.
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Me vs. Michaelangelo
Josh Duke, staff
What We Both Accomplished by Age 30
Michelangelo Finished sculpture of David at age 26
Once got a Killtacular in Halo 3
Made art commissioned by the Pope himself
Became a certified barista for the Starbucks Coffee Company
Didn’t get out much and often slept in his clothes
Didn’t get out much and slept in my clothes
Moved back into his parent’s house after finishing art school
Slept on my sister’s couch for five months after college
His art was considered the ultimate embodiment of the Renaissance era Lived in Bologna in 1494 Got into a schoolyard fight at 17, which disfigured his nose Sculpted the Pieta at age 24
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Me
Received hate mail for writing about how bad Ishi Dube’s music was Was really poor in 2004; ate a lot of cold cuts Broke my nose in the mosh pit of a Lagwagon show Oddly enough, I too was struck with a hammer by a crazy guy claiming to be Jesus Christ
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Zeke Herrera, contributor
There have been literally millions of phenomenal artists since the beginning of Etsy, but did you know that art existed before the Internet? This is about the artists that didn’t have that crutch of erotic fan fiction and Elmer’s glue. Some of those artists have really famous pieces of work that are complete dog shit compared to the things they aren’t known for. Here are some of my favorite examples:
Leonardo Da Vinci
H.P. Lovecraft
What he's known for:
What he's known for:
The Vitruvian Man? Good job Da Vinci, you drew a naked dude standing behind another naked dude. Who gives a shit? Not me, until I realized that this was just a blueprint for...
Cthulu is awesome and one of the most terrifying creatures ever written about, which is why it surprised me to find out that the same person that invented this also wrote...
What nobody knows:
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Things You Didn’t Know Were Made By Famous Artists
What nobody knows:
Goro from Mortal Kombat, way better. Goro rips peoples’ spines out. Let's see you do that, Vitruvian Man... Pussy.
The Care Bears, which is not as cool. Although it does explain the episode where they fight Slender Man, kind of.
Vincent Van Gogh
M.C. Escher
What he's known for:
What he's known for:
The Starry Night. Yeah, sure, it's okay, I guess. If you’re into pictures of nighttime this is the painting for you. If you're like me, though, you realize this is extremely lacking in bank heists and shootouts. That's why it should be overshadowed by...
Relativity. Oh man, look at these crazy stairs going every kind of which way. Look at that guy -- where's he going? He doesn't know what he's doing. He might as well be trying to find the G-spot. (Am I right, ladies?)
What nobody knows: That's right: Van Gogh wrote Reservoir Dogs. Don't believe all that love bullshit; he really lost that ear acting out the torture scene because he's method as fuck. Suck it, Daniel Day Lewis.
What nobody knows: The USB Cord. What a dick, right? He actually invented this just to piss you off -- not to transfer information. It was designed to entangle itself when near other wires and not to be put into a port in one try.
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Gallery Man
Mischa Trubs, contributor
A few years ago I was fortunate enough to work at one of the most prestigious art galleries in San Francisco, the John Berggruen Gallery. I was fired three months later for overheating my boss’ Hot Pocket in the microwave. In his defense, it was a deluxe Hot Pocket. During my time at the gallery I learned that I have no idea how to value art, because the art that I thought sucked turned out to be worth millions of dollars, and the art that I could get high and stare at for hours was quickly hidden in the attic like the secret deformed son that no one ever wanted to talk about. (Though, the painting still ran for upwards of 35k.) I might never truly see art as the real connoisseur sees it, but everyone is an artist in their own right. Half a year ago, I sat in a bar watching the game. I randomly started drawing the bartender on a napkin, and she fell in love with my napkin art. It wasn’t sexy but goddamn, it was art. I posted a Facebook message asking if anyone wanted me to draw them on a napkin, and before I knew it, dozens of people were asking me to do just that. Some people might have gotten a little offended, but what the fuck did they expect from a star napkin artist?
OPO
I N
C
HY
DR
S
I was on fire and I couldn't stop; napkin art was taking over my mind. My life took a wild twist as the napkin art popularity grew. Before I knew it, I was snorting coke-lines off of models’ tits and playing golf on yachts with new friends. I never dreamed that such a simple work would even be called art and earn me so much fame. But napkin art money made me rich and proud. Ok, I made up the glamorous napkin-artist life, but don’t spit on me for being a dreamer. And without further ado, here is some of the aforementioned commissioned napkin art:
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Reflections on the Artistry of George W. Bush
George W. Bush has been retired as leader of the free world for several years now. In a strange turn of events, he has occupied much of his time creating awkward, simplistic paintings. The move shouldn’t be completely shocking, though, as several psychotic, bloodthirsty historic characters have also created amateurish paintings. Let’s not forget the frightening works of John Wayne Gacy or the curious impressionistic landscape and building art created by Adolf Hitler.
Ben Allen, music editor
A notorious hacker accessed some e-mail accounts of George W., and to his amazement, discovered that he’d been painting self-portrait nudes. This was the first the world had heard of W.’s artistic ambitions; like many others, I became obsessed with his works. Perhaps this was a cathartic way for George to handle the widespread criticism of his political ambitions, or maybe he was just a bored retiree. Regardless, the fact that his first two paintings depicted his legs in a bathtub and the other being a reflective shower scene were too fascinating to ignore.
After the weird naked stuff, Bush decided to focus almost exclusively on dogs. His beloved and recently deceased Scottish Terrier became the subject of several works. While his technical skill had drastically increased, the subject matter seemed more appropriate for something you’d buy from an 86-year-old woman at a flea market.
Most recently Bush has entered what art historians will certainly call his “cat period.” One of the paintings accurately depicts the indifferent, yet curious facial expressions of a leisurely feline. For those following his career, this uncharted territory met with great anticipation and excitement.
It’s impossible to tell what the future holds for our favorite tortured artist/torture advocate. Hopefully he’ll continue to expand his subject matter in his childish, hilarious attempts at creativity.
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OkEtsy
Zeke Herrera, contributor
Sadly, some of the artists on Etsy are single. Despite the hardships of being an Etsy artist they keep going creating bags of pig fetuses or stuffed dolphins with built in vaginas so you can stuff them with your penis. So here are some of the most available Etsy bachelors and bachelorettes.
Michelle Borden
Dan Stocks
Mearle Gates
Mummified Native American Heads Human Teeth Necklaces Looking for: Corpse Age- Rigor Mortis Somebody that is easily duped Details: Fuck kids Pets- Stuffed Religion- Masochist
Claim to Fame: Crochet Penises Crochet Hats Crochet Lipbalm Cozies Looking for: Penis Obviously Ages 40-50 Moist Lips Details: Hates kids that eat ice cream Pets- Cats Religion- Cats
(actual picture #nofilter) Claim to Fame: Vagina Molds Breast Molds Seashell Statues Looking for: Somebody that likes vagina molds Age- Whatever Patrick Swayze would be right now Long walks on the beach and rape fantasies Details: Kids are cool, molds of kids even better Pets- Trouser snake ReligionCatholic ;)
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(Doesn’t do justice to creepiness) Clame to Fame: Taxidermy Serial Killing Animals
Mikhaila Plagas
Claim to Fame: Feather Alien Hairclip Dying Fetus Ballerina 5 Peacock Eyeball Headband Looking For: Circus Performer (preferably sideshow) Age- Fetus-Not Fetus Anymore Cuddler Details: Kids aren’t so interesting once they’re born Pets- No Religion- Pro Choice
Jason Heuser
(Saved the normalist for last) Claim to Fame: Matrix Lincoln Painting Space Kennedy Riding Cyborg Unicorn FDR in a Pacific Rim robot Looking For: The First Lady (to take my virginity) Age- From 1800’s (but still sexy) Star Wars Nerd Details: Kids, never met one but sure Pets- Dogs? Religion- Democrat
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Six Beers Deep Pearl Necklace Oyster Stout - Fly Dog Brewery - ABV: 5.5%
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So here we got a stout made with oysters. A long pull off this and yep, no oysters. Maybe I should’ve gotten a non-oyster riddled stout for a control subject to test this again, but I couldn’t up and say, “This stout needs less oyster!” or “This makes me randy! Where’s the wife?” But still, it has a solid, robust taste that cloys to your mouth. I would definitely split this six-pack with someone, unless you happen to be writing a beer review in which you finish the whole damn thing.
Josh Duke, staff
2nd Verse Same as the First
Ralph Steadman, the artists that hung around Hunter S. Thompson, does all the art for this brewery. It looks like a fever dream for Terry Gilliam; Kinda like I’m drinking a liquid form of Tideland. Have you ever just eaten a spoonful of molasses, and for the rest of that day, you can’t just get that taste out of your mouth? Yeah, that’s what this is like. Still, no oyster flavor yet.
3rd World, I Mean Beer
We were somewhere around Barstow...wait, that’s stupid. Look, this beer is great and all, but it was lik e$11. I mean, how much of that was paying off this Steadman guy? Doesn’t he already have all that Oprah money? I bet Banksy wou’dve been cheaper. Every sixer of this stuff would come with a stencil and some wrly crafted pictorial guide on the social injustices taht exist in the world that we exist in the world. Instead I’m stuck with a label with a drawing of a dog in a dress wearing lipstick, AND STILL NO OYSTER FLAVOR.
Fore!(th), cuz I’m playin’ Golf
This brewery is from Maryland, the stat shped like a handgun, which makes Flying Dog Brewery sound dangerous. And here they are, selling oysterless oyster beer to anyone who’s all like, “Hey I’d like somehting in my beer that doesn’t belong but I still can’t tasted it!” Shows there’s a market for anything, even Steadman and his Oprah money. If I were a audience of Oprah’s show, I’d expect to find this bee under my chair.
Fifth as a Fiddle
only through february
Why’re they calling this Flying Dog Brewery? You know how bad flying dogs would be? The deposit on my apartment would be so much higher. We’d all get pooped on. My nephews would still try to wride them like a horse. Why’d they have to pick osysters? Couldn’t they have picked somehting else, like bacon, and then call i tsomethin glike “GLady Gaga’s drewss” or soemthing? Oh damn, bacon. I could go for some. Someone’s gotta take me to Denny’s after I’m done with this thing. Get me some seasonsed frieds.
Sixth on the Beach Mon.-Sat. 10am-6pm, Sun. 10am-5pm Hwy. 101 between Eureka & Arcata in the Bracut Industrial Park (707) 826-7435
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I gotat pck a lighter ber next time. One that i can drink out of giant glass boot and just drink and drink and drink and not spell my words as bad and then not feel the effects of it until i try to stand pu and then i fall and then it’s a funny youtube video or even a Vine if i’m lucky. This thing makes me full and i’d probably forget that I even drank this if it werent’ for this flavor that gonna stick in my mouth for days at a atime that has no oysters in it at all. Time to lie down.
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DRAWING A SNOWMAN FOR DUMMIES
William Toblerone , contributor Photos by Sweet T
Wintertime is here, and it’s the perfect time to celebrate the season by drawing a happy snowman. The only problem is that everyone knows that sketching a snowman without guidance is damn near impossible. You end up with a random collection of meaningless shapes and squiggles, and you are lucky if you don’t injure yourself in the process. So as a service to all the aspiring artists out there, I give you the ultimate guide to creating a flawless snowman.
1. First you will need to acquire a 750 ml bottle of 99 Bananas Schnapps. This is the only product that comes in a proper receptacle for tracing an appropriate circular base. Do not use a full bottle, as the weight will cause undesirable indentations in the paper. You will need to clear a few hours from your schedule to gulp the bottle down until there are approximately two shots remaining. Take a nap. Then place the bottle near the bottom of the paper and carefully trace around the base with a number 3 pencil. 2. You won’t need to go far to get our next necessity. Everyone has at least one bottle of Walgreen’s Hemorrhoidal Soothing Spray close by, especially when dealing with the stress of creating a snowman. Now this medicine is going to be the template for the next level of our snowman. Center the healing potion on the top of the existing circle, and trace around it with a number 4 pencil. 3. If you don’t have an authentic satanic pentagram medallion already, you will need to order one. They are relatively inexpensive if you order from Blackmagictoolbox.com. I got mine for $3.99 during their Christmas Bargain Blowout. Place the medallion on top of the smallest circle, and rotate it slowly and thoughtfully, completing six rotations. Do this three times. 4. Place three candles around the medallion, forming an isosceles triangle that points directly north. Walk counterclockwise around the table and repeat the following phrase 12 times: alankina aloondi quetalia et apana. Then politely ask Satan to give your snowman a head, eyes, mouth, nose, and cute top hat. 5. Thanks, Lucifer! You my dog!
6. To create impeccably straight arms at just the right length, you will need to visit a local medical facility and get a Monoject 3 milliliter syringe. They are free if you retrieve one from the container labeled BIOHAZARD DISPOSAL. 7. Hold the syringe by the sharp end and place it beside the snowman as pictured. Trace a line up to the cylinder with a number 3 pencil. Repeat on the opposite side. 8. Your snowman is now complete. As you can see, it’s totally worth doing right.
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“That almost fucked me up as much as learning that Bob Marley was white.” - Arcata
“That’s a huge slab of man meat I can’t get my hands around!” - Man greeting his friend at Ernie’s Bar in Eureka
“What’s the square root of 69?” “Eight something.” - Overheard on bus leaving HSU “These girls are waaay too hot to be health inspectors.” - The Alibi
“I feel like I just crapped a turkey dinner and all the trimmins’!” “I wanna see 3 shaved assholes…. - Grass Valley I don’t even do tattoos!” - Ernie’s Bar Eureka “Do you smell that? It makes me want to grow my boobs out!” - Coming out of a hot tub dressing room
“I was a waitress in high school.” - man in McKinleyville “Phone, slut juice, cheese balls, I’m good!” - Colfax, CA “I like bacon, but not like that.” - The Alibi
“Duuuude. I’m so down with amino acids.” - Trim scene in Humboldt “The next time I get married, the bitch is gonna hafta fill out an application! And she better have 3 fuckin’ references!” - Arcata Transit Center “Did you know that my boobs together weigh more than a gallon of milk?” - Silver Legacy Casino, Reno, NV
“She’s not a prostitute, she’s just down to fuck for ketamine.” - a plazoid lurking in front of Bar Row “Turned out Santa was just my dad rolling “Having a major drug addiction….. a bunch of joints (for the holidays).” that just all sounds so icky.” - Arcata Christmas Party - Girl in Arcata
“Looks like you need to suck on that a few more times.” “Daddy’s trippin’ balls right now…” - Grass Valley, CA - A guy walking his dog through the woods at a Trinity trim scene
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Directions: 1. Listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to. 2. If they are amazingly stupid or if it was funny... 3. Put it on a postcard and send it to 791 8th St. Suite N - Arcata CA 95521
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Ailment of the Month Mental Illness Potpou r ri
Most of the textbook art biggies had a mental illness of some sort. Michelangelo = OCD Picasso = Bipolar O’Keefe = Clinical Depression So one in three of us should start making more art.
next month: Video Games How much could a Dig Dug if a Dig Dug could Dug Dig? Space Invaders: People who stay at your house too long Best Game ever made: Leisure Suit Larry Send Letters/Contributions to: 791 8th Street, Suite n Arcata, CA 95521 editor@ @savagehenrymagazine.com
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