FRENEMIES:
Malia Jacobson
Helping Kids Navigate
Most often, friendships serve as
a positive force in children’s lives, helping to cement a sense of identity and belonging while kids learn realworld lessons in sharing, empathy and kindness. Friends can impart the type of “peer pressure” that spurs growth of positive personality characteristics like tenacity and generosity. But there’s a dark side to childhood friendships. When things like bullying, gossip or jealousy take hold, a child’s health and happiness can suffer. Research from the University of Alabama links jealousy in adolescent friendships to low self-worth, aggression and loneliness. Sound familiar? Here’s how to help kids navigate toxic friendships and seek out the positive, fulfilling friendships they need.
Budding Buds (ages 0-5) From playdates to the playground, toddlerhood presents plenty of opportunities to begin teaching
30 • SanDiegofamily.com • October 2018
TOXIC TOXIC Friendships
traits of a good friend. “Parents can encourage their child to develop positive friendships by teaching children at an early age about healthy relationships,” says Josie ClarkTrippodo, a licensed family therapist. “Parents can start these conversations with kids by asking what they think the characteristics of a good friend are and teaching children to display good friendship qualities,”—kindness, empathy and good listening skills. When tots find themselves in a friendship tiff, caregivers should wait a beat to see if kids can work it out themselves. Often, a simple, “Are you being a friend?” encourages children toward more pro-social behavior. When kids seem stuck, acknowledge both children in the conflict without taking “sides,” calmly ask each child to recount the situation, and encourage the child who feels wronged to ask for what he needs. If a child can’t break
out of a negative pattern, affirm that he may need a break from play.
Friend or Foe? (ages 6-12) During the school years, friendships grow in depth and complexity. As friendships begin to play a larger role in kids’ lives, parents should watch for signs that a friendship is taking a negative toll. “Children exhibit a range of signs that aid in identifying red flags for negative friendships and bullying,” says Clark-Trippodo. “These signs can include sudden change in behaviors or mood such as isolation, a sudden drop in school performance, defiance and mood swings.” Children in negative friendships might display negative self-talk (“I hate myself” or “I’m ugly”) and shy away from leadership roles or activities they once enjoyed. When a friendship appears to be negative, parents can ask a child to think about how that friend makes him feel, and what appeals to him about that
