Sarah Lyons
DON’T COMPARE
THE KIDS I have found myself comparing one child to another many times. Even though I know physical, emotional and intellectual developments progress at a rate unique to each child— and that every child has their own strengths and weaknesses—it’s hard not to think “Your sister never did this” when faced with a tantrum over a seemingly trivial issue.
Parents often battle the urge to compare one child to another. It is a natural reaction considering people use comparisons to make decisions involving nearly every aspect of their lives. It’s important to avoid this tendency. “This was hard for me when my son was younger,” says Ashley Clark, mother of two. “He had several developmental delays and I would struggle with comparing him to where his sister was at that age. I knew it wasn’t healthy for any of us and I had to let it go.” Comparing siblings can create jealousy, sibling rivalry, feelings of self-doubt, and have negative effects on parent-child relationships. Each
24 • SanDiegofamily.com • March 2019
Double doubles! Collin (9), Pierce (6), Piper (6) and Gavin (9) of Del Mar
Photo by Cassema Photography
As a mother of six children,
Are you parenting a child with special needs? Find resources from the Special Needs Resource Foundation of San Diego at www.SNRFSD.org, and read the article “Challenges and Benefits of Having a Sibling with Special Needs” at www.SanDiegoFamily.com. child has his own gifts, struggles and personality, which affect how they grow, learn and develop, so how do parents learn to appreciate these differences rather than compare them?
Identify Strengths When the urge to compare your children arises, identify the strengths of each child. One may have an excellent sense of coordination while another has a knack for listening and showing compassion. Elizabeth DeArmond, mother of four, says, “It helps to see how their differences
help all of us as a whole. We balance each other out.” While noting strengths, acknowledge areas where each child struggles. Be more patient and provide instruction in this area without putting the child down. As your children grow, keep expectations in line with their abilities and interests.
Focus on a Child’s Efforts Instead of comparing one child’s struggles to another child’s successes, focus on each child’s efforts and improvements.
