Issue 05 - Sex by Salient

EDITORIAL

LETTERS & NOTICES

NEWS News Party Line Tweets Of The Week

6 11 13

FEATURES Going Deep Everything is Coloured in Blue Sex Quiz: What Kind of Lover are You? The Dirty Whispers of Margaret Atwood What Ruined The Mood

16 20 22 26 27

CENTREFOLD

COLUMNS Fashion and Haute Tea Shit Chat Ngai Tauira UniQ VUWSA Talking With My Dad About Sex Two Guys One Bet Ask Sissy From the Archives

28 29 30 31

POEM

32 33 34

REVIEWS Film Television Art Food Book Music Fashion

36 37 38 39 40 41 42

ENTERTAINMENT Horoscopes

This week is Sex Week. Well, every week is sex week, but this week, VUWSA is holding an organised forum to talk about sex. And Salient is coming in hot to bring you sticky, consensual content. What else is new? We often think of warm nights under the covers. Whipped cream, whips, man cream, cherries, rose petals—the works. The lights dim and the petals begin to glow in the moonlight. The hottest sex you could ever imagine is about to occur. Biting, licking, twisting and turning into brown sugar. What’s sexier than this? How can we feel debt through all this drip? Finances. Finances are hot as fuck. Have you ever struggled to justify topping up your Snapper card $5 but didn’t think twice about spending a $30 Uber to The George? Biscuits and brie for dinner tonight instead of UberEats like the rest of your mates? Or maybe you can’t print out your essay cos printing costs too much and 70c is the difference between a Sub of the Day and going to sleep with an empty stomach. Don’t worry, we’ve been through those times and boy does it get us wet (with tears). Finances are never easy to manage at university. You either make Studylink your sugar daddy and live frugally for the week, or give up your valuable study time to wash dishes 25 hours a week. Either way, you’ll be financially stretched.

And if that shit doesn’t get you going, just imagine yourself reading a $95 textbook on a mouldy couch, eating a $6 Krishna plate and struggling to pay the bills. On the other side of the university, your Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford sits in his office, earning roughly $1500 a day. Naked, glistening with sweat from his two doubleglazed offices. Isn’t that just fuckin hot? Yea, Grant makes 580,000 to 589,000 annually. And it goes up about 10,000 every year. Swallow that. If we’ve totally misjudged you in this editorial, and you’re not hot for student loans (prudes), we hope this magazine will deliver something you are into. Finger your way over to the ‘What kind of lover are you?’ quiz on page 22. Or find out why Kii went to a sex party last Sunday on page 16. For something more serious, editor’s pick this week is on page 20, Everything Is Coloured in Blue.

Your friends back home were worried about the debt they would muster up and decided against uni. Your parents were worried about how many 3 a.m. phone calls they would be receiving, asking for a $20 transfer. You probably don’t even have the time to think about that annual 2% increase in student fees. But the money we spend on uni isn’t real money, right? It certainly feels like that, as we pile on debt for a loan that will slowly eat us out away at us until death do us part.

Kii Small & Taylor Galmiche

sponsored by

ISSUE 5

SALIENT

News. Keen eye for news? send us any tips, leads or gossip to news@salient.org.nz

LIVING WAGE CLUB LAUNCHED AT VICTORIA KAT BUISSINK A ‘Living Wage at Vic’ Club was launched last Tuesday to support the campaign for a Living Wage for all workers at the university.

According to Lyndy McIntyre,Wellington Community Organiser for the Living Wage movement, students are one of the strongest supporters of the Living Wage as “most experience low wages themselves.”

The Living Wage is calculated by Living Wage Aotearoa New Zealand to better account for basic living expenses such as food, housing, transport, and childcare. In 2018, this was $20.55 per hour. The 2019 figure is expected to be released this week.

“It is a really important issue in their own lives and they find it easy to show solidarity”.

VUWSA and the Tertiary Education Union (TEU) have been campaigning for a Living Wage at VUW for five years, seeing most lowwage university employees rise above the Living Wage.

A campaign last year saw Wellington City Council become the first living wage council in New Zealand for all staff. Both McIntyre and the TEU believe the university’s claims that they can’t afford to implement a universal Living Wage to be untrue.

However, some employees, including contracted workers, like cleaning staff and undergraduate tutors, still make less.

“Employers sometimes make this sound hard, it’s not,” said McIntyre.

Former VUWSA President Marlon Drake, who has been heavily involved in the campaign, views the formation of the club as a step forward.

VUW told Salient that they have not only ensured that all permanently employed staff are paid “at least equivalent to the current Living Wage rate”, but that they are also assessing how to raise wages for contracted services suppliers.

“This club will mean we can have a consistent ongoing campaign at Vic with access to university funding,” Drake said.

The club aims to launch a campaign leading to a ‘Living Wage Day’ in mid-May.

UNI STILL TO ANNOUNCE NAME CHANGE CHALLENGE DECISION FINN BLACKWELL “The longer it perseveres with that course, the more it is putting its reputation, quality, and future recognition at risk.”

With the Victoria University name change still very much under debate, Salient took the time to sit in on this month’s University Council meeting.

One prominent idea is to adapt the VUW logo in order to emphasise “Wellington” while keeping the legal name the same.

While it could be said that the name change shared the spotlight with other pressing issues, many still voiced their concerns on the issue. “I think we have under-delivered, woefully,” commented Traci Houpapa, a prominent voice against the name change.

VUW confirmed that such an alternative logo had been used on their website to replace a previous logo which “gave pre-eminence to the word ‘Victoria’.”

“I think this is a bleak day; seeking support from external and other [universities] is not a smart idea.”

VUW added that the logo had been approved in early 2013 to assist recruitment outside of Wellington.

In a statement made by Stick with Vic , spokesperson Ross McComish outlined the extent of support for their cause, as well as the burden brought onto the university.

It was expected that the March 25 meeting would include a declaration of the council’s decision on whether they would pursue legal action against the decision by Chris Hipkins to decline the name change. However, this was deferred by the university so it could deal with more pressing issues following the Al Noor and Linwood Mosque Attacks.

McComish told Salient, “It is clear from the thousands of comments made on Stick with Vic over the last eight months that the course the university has embarked on has cost it the respect of large numbers of its students and the goodwill of many of its alumni.”

The announcement is now expected to be made at the May 6 meeting, with engagement with the Minister of Education and other stakeholders in the interim.

News.

PLANNING FOR GROWTH, PLANNING FOR CLIMATE CHANGE MARIELLE HAKWES “[The Speaker Series] has been heavily attended by young people and I am acutely aware that our council is not representative of those demographics,” he said.

Despite the wind, Wellington topped the world quality of life rankings for the second year in a row last year. That may be why Wellington is expected to grow by up to 80,000 people over the next 30 years.

He highlighted VUW student Teri O’Neill’s efforts in the Eastern Ward as a key example.

The Planning for Growth forum on March 21 was part of WCC’s broader Our City Tomorrow speaker series, which aims to highlight important issues for the city.

“I want to encourage others to do the same if they want their views heard and want to be part of the democratic process for the city, and if they want to help shape the future of their city.”

The panel included Government Statistician Liz MacPherson, Victor Komarovsky from Generation Zero, Prefab NZ founder Pamela Bell and Capital Kiwi founder Paul Ward.

When asked how he thought his presentation was received, Victor told Salient, “I agitated a few people, including the Mayor.”

It was Komarovsky’s presentation, however, which sparked a particularly passionate discussion on climate change.

“Hopefully our Mayor and Councillors here in Wellington start saying what needs to be said about climate change—that it's an emergency.”

He challenged WCC to treat climate change as a real emergency, and Mayor Justin Lester and Councillors to become leaders on tackling climate change.

Responding to questions from Salient, Councillors at a public meeting on March 27 (full article below) suggested they thought WCC was doing enough.

Following an audience question on Council inaction, the Mayor suggested that more young people needed to run for council if they want to see a quicker response.

Mayor Justin Lester said that voting booths were made available on campus, so there “wasn’t much excuse not to engage”. “Students have to want to do it,” he added.

MAYOR IN THE CHAIR: BUSES, BOOKS, AND BETTER YOUTH ENGAGEMENT BEN ESPINER On March 26, WCC members and Mayor Justin Lester held a "Mayor in the Chair" meeting to discuss issues with Aro Valley residents. A number of important issues arose.

Affordable Housing After a question from a resident, it was made clear that surplus council land could be bought from WCC to develop affordable housing.

Wellington Central Library Closed Mayor Justin Lester said the closure was the “last thing we wanted to do”, but reassured the assembly that the proposed pop-up library would offer “between 50,000 to 100,000 books”.

However, Brian Dawson (Councillor for both Social Development and Housing) stated that “very little land that we own is undeveloped” and cautioned that much of the excess land is “not suitable for social housing”.

Other alternatives were considered in the meeting, including the acceleration of the Johnsonville library development, implementation of e-book facilities, online ordering, and working with VUW libraries.

CupaDupa CupaDupa will go ahead, in part at least, despite safety concerns following the Al Noor and Linwood Mosque Attacks.

Transport Despite the change in central government delaying plans, WCC is still attempting to resolve issues with public transport.

Both WCC and NZ Police support the event proceeding, keeping both the Garage Project and Glover Park stages open. However, it is unlikely that security companies will be able to scale up their services in time for the festival-as-usual.

Wellington is currently 40 bus drivers short; Councillors cited up to 50 cancellations at peak travel hours.

Youth Engagement in Local Affairs Salient asked Councillors how they could improve youth engagement with local body politics.

Councillor Diane Calvert said the issues “compromise the social and economic fabric of our city.''

Councillor Nicola Young, and other Councillors, consider the onus to be on young people to “make an effort.”

The Mayor hopes to have a response from the government in April, and further public information by May.

Local body elections are in October this year.

ISSUE 5

SALIENT

PROBING THE PUNTERS YOU KNOW, LIKE WITH YOUR FINGERS

Which Sex in the Hub event are you most looking forward to?

Your preferred pre-sex mood-setter?

What is your favourite thing about sex?

What is your least favourite thing about sex?

Give us a hot sex tip for all the readers out there.

1. Te Aro because they don’t get much and they deserve this

1. Art exhibition

2. Connection

2. Being the most vulnerable you can be with someone else

3. People being not confident about their bods

3. Cleaning the cum out of your body hair

4. A couple of wines and D’Angelo

4. The body language

5. Back yourself. You’re hot and sexy and a privilege to have sex with

5. The perineum on a guy is A+

1. Te Aro art exhibition 1. Kelburn

2. Being on top and feeling fierce asf

2. Consent

3. The clean-up

3. Abuse

4. Game of Thrones

4. Weed

5. Oral foreplay never goes amiss

5. Explore lit shit

1. Kama sutra workshop

1. THE MAIN EVENT BABY

2. Actually having it

2. Relieving stress lmao

3.Premature ejaculation

3. Not cumming

4. Martin Solveig

4. Some fucking sensual music and lighting YAYA

5. For the mans: don’t be afraid of a prostie massage

5. Fuckin go for it don't be shy yo

News.

UNDERSTANDING THIS WEEK'S GUN REFORMS JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER On March 21, six days after the Al Noor and Linwood Mosque Attacks, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced plans to ban military-style semi-automatic firearms (MSSAs), including those used in the attack.

Despite the Bill passing through under urgency, the government has said there will be a full legislative process, with a “short, sharp” Select Committee stage.

The Prime Minister’s announcement outlined both this initial, emergency law change, as well as interim measures, and further reforms for the future.

There will be some exceptions to the MSSA ban; including for legitimate business use, pest control, and for firearms used for duck hunting. Further reforms were signalled, but are yet to be specified.

An amendment to the Arms Act 1983 is to be passed under urgency this week, which would put a ban on MSSAs and objects which could be used to adapt other firearms into MSSAs.

In the interim, the government also announced a gun amnesty, and action to prevent stockpiling. The development of a buyback scheme was also highlighted.

However, some changes to policy have already occured. Prior to the announcement on March 21, the Governor-General was instructed by an Order in Council to classify the firearms and related objects used in the Mosque Attacks as MSSAs.

The current Bill has near-full support in Parliament, with National Party Leader Simon Bridges declaring that he would support the proposed reforms. The Bill will likely be passed by the end of this week.

This acted as an interim restriction on the ownership of MSSAs, requiring an E endorsed firearms license to buy and use them.

EYE ON THE EXEC TAYLOR GALMICHE You are allowed to attend the VUWSA executive meetings. Did you know that? They take place every other Thursday at 6 p.m. in the VUWSA boardroom.

Comedy night—Should we cut it? Apparently, Vic doesn’t have many high-capacity venues, and Wellington venue rates are through the roof. 2019 freshers, you may have experienced the last of the O-Week comedy nights. Congrats.

You have the honour of sitting amongst your student reps for about an hour as they move through their minutes in a semi-casual fashion, starting with the karakia and (traditionally) ending with “chat in the hat”.

I inquired whether VUWSA would send out an O-Week survey, to which Matt replied, “We’re going to do a survey using ticketing info.” We’ll see about that.

I’ll be honest—Salient missed last week’s VUWSA meeting. In part, because the meeting was moved to a Thursday (from a Wednesday) and in part because of miscommunication.

Relay for Life Matt couldn’t offer much information on the VUWSA Relay for Life since he’s “not into running”, but from what I can gather, yes, VUWSA does have a Relay for Life team; and yes, that’s pretty fucking wholesome. Team name TBA.

Nonetheless, I had the opportunity to sit down with VUWSA CEO, Matt Tucker, to discuss what’s been going down at VUWSA.

Mental Health Wānanga A few Fridays ago, VUWSA held a Mental Health Wānanga for student and club leaders. Unfortunately, the wānanga was affected by the Christchurch mosque attacks, but they “still had some really good conversations.”

Buckle up for some second-hand goss. O-Week Reckoning Firstly, Tam led a discussion on the review of O-Week 2019. A few questions raised were:

Ousting Chat in the Hat “Chat in the Hat” was a revered tradition in previous exec meetings. Talking points were dropped into a hat and picked at random (think, “can we have some more teaspoons” and “Black Forest chocolate at exec meetings”). Tam moved to remove the custom, citing that “Nobody wants to do it at the end of an executive meeting.” Fair enough.

Movie night—Should it really be outdoors, with the unpredictability of the Welly wind? Safe rooms—Are they safe enough? For example, did the safe room volunteers feel safe? These are important questions moving forward.

ISSUE 5

SALIENT

Opinion. GAY BLOOD: WHY CAN'T IT BE DONATED, AND HOW CAN WE DO BETTER? ATANAS TOMOVSKI A while ago, I got called up and asked to donate blood. I couldn’t. I have sex with guys. They told me they’d call me back in 12 months and ask again. It was an encounter which took me aback and started my exploration of the world of gay blood; the reasons for the restrictions, and what the future might look like. The New Zealand Blood Service (NZBS) states: if you are a man who has oral or anal sex with or without a condom with another man (MSM) or if you are a woman who engages in sex with an MSM, you must not donate blood for 12 months. The criteria that excludes MSM from donating blood is claimed to be based on sexual behaviour and not sexual orientation. And while anal or oral sex aren’t a requirement, they’re generally accepted as part of being gay. Irrespective of intention, then, this exclusion is effectively based on sexual orientation. Realistically, it perpetuates the ongoing perception that gay men are sexually irresponsible, unsafe, and non-monogamous. It is a discriminatory policy, both technically and socially. Any gay man would likely agree. So, can this discriminatory policy be justified? The primary responsibility of NZBS is providing a safe supply of blood, and the science is pretty clear: A 2014 independent review group concluded that a 12-month exclusion period was optimal for balancing safety and supply. (Previous exclusions were five and ten years.) In 2017, the UK reduced their exclusion period to three months. Depending on their results, we could see another change in NZ. These reductions didn’t see the number of blood donations increase. 12 months is a long time without sex. Three months is still a bit of a stretch. While NZBS doesn’t hold data on the number of people excluded by this criteria, uncertainty for future supply and demand can make long-term implications unclear. Society has become more accepting of queer lifestyles and queer people, but it means that a greater number of people who feel

liberated in their sexuality are being excluded. While any reduction to the exclusion period would be welcome, other practical and non-tokenistic changes can be implemented to address discrimination and supply. I want to challenge NZBS to acknowledge and alter the perception that gay men are sexually irresponsible, unsafe, and nonmonogamous, as promoted by their criteria. NZBS is a trusted and prominent part of the community and MSM blood donation is a misguided concern to the public. NZBS can (and should) play a key part in challenging these perceptions by reassessing its policy in the modern context. Gay men get STI checks; they know what they expose themselves to. Gay men have access to PREP, a daily pill used for the prevention of HIV exposure. Gay men have sex responsibly and are in monogamous relationships. Gay men are safe. So why don’t we ask gay men about their actual behaviour. I want to see donation criteria that assesses individual risk, rather than the current catchall policy. Criteria that accounts for medical advancements and the changes seen in queer sexual health. NZBS already requires potential donors to answer questions before donating, with the expectation that responses are truthful. People are generally compliant; so why would gay men lie, where straight people don’t? While reducing the exclusion period may not increase the number of donations, other initiatives might be more effective. Research is being completed internationally on how HIV-negative gay men may be able to donate blood without an excessive exclusion period; the results may support such intiatives in New Zealand. The good news: NZBS is open to change, as soon as new data supports it. NZBS just needs to continue their commitment in removing these discriminatory barriers. We need to keep that pressure on. Queers and hets included. So until those changes are made, I don’t want a call back from NZ Blood.

News.

Politics. THE PARTY LINE The Party Line asks political parties’ youth wings a question every week. We publish their responses unaltered.

After the Al Noor and Linwood Mosque Attacks, gun reform seems to be a sure thing. However, other changes may be necessary. What further reforms does New Zealand need to see, if any? How will your youth wing help affect these reforms? VicLabour

ACT on Campus Wellington

VicNats

New Zealand is a nation built on white supremacy. It's in our media, it's in our culture, and it's in our history. The Prime Minister said that we utterly reject the hate and racism that inspired the attacks on our Muslim whānau. It's time for that rejection to be not just in our words, but in our actions. We must commit not just to tolerance and inclusion, but to empathy, love, and antiracism. We must root out racism and white supremacy in all its forms. This is something our Government must lead, and something VicLabour will always support.

While we would support any legislation that improves public safety, we worry about the rushed approach to reform the government is taking. We need to make sure any policy we put forward benefits the entire population and that the government follows the correct procedures to produce sound legislation that actually protects the public from harm. We will always support smart, strong policy. As David Seymour said, “You do not defy terrorism and defend our democracy by throwing out democratic procedure such as parliamentary scrutiny and the public's right to submit in full, at the first sign of trouble."

The safety and security of New Zealanders and their families is paramount and is above politics, we support the Government’s gun reforms. New Zealand changed as a Nation after the attacks and the Young Nats, as part of the National Party, support the Government’s recently announced proposals. We also support a Royal Commission of Inquiry into the attacks, particularly looking into our security and intelligence agencies.Like all New Zealanders, we condemn what happened in Christchurch and want to ensure that nothing like this happens in our country again.

- Jackson Graham

- Grahame Woods

Young New Zealand First

Greens@Vic

TOP on Campus

Young New Zealand First acknowledges that as a consequence of the Al Noor and Linwood Mosque attacks, parliamentary discussion is strongly centred on the issue of firearms - and the nuances of reforms. While this is understandable, our belief is that our strength as a coalition is our open democracy and public consultation. Young New Zealand First believes that working closely with the firearms community will ensure that any reforms that are actioned are considered and meaningful. Young New Zealand First welcomes open discourse pertaining to any proposed reforms that may be presented, and will submit remits where appropriate in order to accurately voice concerns raised.

We strongly support the government’s gun reforms, which are long overdue. The Greens have long called for a ban on semiautomatic rifles, and it’s a shame that it took a crisis like this for a government to finally take this obvious action. We also want to see a national firearms registry, so we know what guns there are, who has them, and where they are. We have a high level of gun ownership, yet no accurate record of the stockpile of firearms we have. We’re keen to push the government hard on this throughout the gun reform consultation.

Away from these needed reforms. New Zealand need focus on a multidude of prevalent problems. Such as social welfare, education and health reforms. Top seeks to give the ability for an opt in UBI (Universal based income)with no questions asked. This would aid financially all kiwis. Not just those in need. It doesn't only offer support for students being declined from loans. It helps parents to care for their families without push to have to go to work to get to ends meet. The money would be not only to sustain yourself but give freedom to a quality life. - Mandeno Martin

T H E P E OPL E WANT MORE

STDS: A F R I EN DLY GU I DE SUCCUL E N T SAUL

STDs are part of all our lives. From glistening ghonorrheal discharge to mind-altering syphilitic madness, there's something for everyone. Besides, anyone can get them: for example, rest homes are one of the largest vectors for venereal diseases on the planet. You don't even need to have had sex to get an STD—if your mum has an infection, she can pass it on to you when she gives birth. Here's your friendly guide to the pits and pustules that come with Salient's favourite infections.

Symptoms

• Gonorrhea • •

• Chlamydia

Genital Herpes

• •

• • •

• Pubic Lice

• •

Weak bladder, swollen genitals Sore throat Abdominal pain

Burning sensation when peeing Inflamed eyes Rectal pain and bleeding

Sores around genitals that turn into blisters Flu-like symptoms Discharge

(Unusually) itchy in the pubic area Dark spots on the skin where lice are residing Little animals living on you

Negatives

• •

•

Hepatitis B

• • • •

Abdominal and joint pain Fatigue Loss of appetite Salient article written about you

• •

Likely to be painful during sex Higher risk of catching other STDs

Having sex could be uncomfortable Can be passed on through sharing sex toys, could drop your Trade Me rating

If your sores come a-knockin’, you can’t get a-rockin’ Incurable, just like your feelings for your ex

It’s time to give your sheets a hot wash Stress of pubic lice will run you down

Causes liver infection, can only have one goon a night Fatigue and joint pain could impair sexual performance Loss of appetite may extend to eating ass

Positives

• • •

• •

Likely to be painful during sex Swelling may increase penis size Good excuse to stay home, you will miss most of your lectures making frequent trips to the toilet anyway.

Many people don’t show symptoms, so make a betting pool with your mates Easier to get rid of than lots of other STDs

• An easy way to tell the sweaty teeth-grinder in the smokers area at Club 121 that you aren’t interested • Polka dots are coming back in

• • •

Ready source of protein Cheap pets/loyal friends A good way to break the ice between you and your one night stand

•

World Hepatitis Day is July 28, can take a day off to celebrate Apparently, Hepatitis C is much worse

•

T H I R S T Y TWEE TS OF TH E WE E K

On somebody posting a picture of Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel together - “Captain marvel has the power of an infinity stone, Wonder Woman is a literal demigod. What happens is they kiss.” @_avasharpe

“I mean cum is biodegradable so “cum dumpster” isn’t really accurate. I’m more of a cum compost heap” @chloethesiren “Concept: Topless Bar, a bar for only bottoms” @AvantGardeGoth “ppl who dont watch anime be horny on the tl for no reason. ur not a weeb. just go have sex. its easy for u” ≠ @djoats02

LI KE A VI R G I N, TW E E TE D F OR THE V E RY F I R ST TI M E COL L ATED BY EM M A M AGUIRE

@em_ma_maguire

“Anytime you JO to a dead person you’re ghostbustin’” @KevinTPorter “Anybody: JK Rowling: the sorting hat eats ass.” @Shen_The_Bird “when JK Rowling dies, they're gonna go through her estate and be like, "We've uncovered dozens of manuscripts in her drawer!" and then when they read through them, it'll just be a bunch of Harry Potter slash fic” @_ElizabethMay

“Winston Duke is so so thicc in Us. At one point he wears these boxers and it was a nice scene.” @rgay

“i always make horny jokes on here but i hope yall know that in real life i die at the mere thought of holding hands with someone” @hiifudos “online is my entire social life now so when people are horny on main it feels like seeing somebody walk down the street with their dick out” @VR0NLINE

“WHEN I GET MY FULL BODY FURSUIT I WILL FINALLY BECOME WHAT I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BECOME - A LIFESIZE WARM SOFT SNUGGABLE MEGA HORNY SCRATCH N' SNIFF VERSION OF MY FURSONA. THANK GOD” @NONSTOPPUP

“running an internet dom blog must be so EXHAUSTING imagine coming home from the office, cracking open ur laptop and just writing nonsense like this with a straight face for five hours” @em_ma_maguire Friend, pure and innocent: "I just learned about (weird kink). Have you ever heard of it?" Me, a horny gremlin who knows that thing very well and has partaken in it repeatedly: "No. Do tell." @imrileywest

2019 VUWSA CANDIDATES Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Nominees:

MICHAEL TURNBELL

SOPHIE LEE

Kia ora, my name is Michael.

Kia Ora,

Before we get serious - an introduction:

I’m Sophie and I’m running for Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer!

My name is Kimberley and I’m ready to drop the ‘interim’ for WSO 2019.

• • •

I marched to end sexual violence in the legal profession, helped lead the Thursday’s in Black Op-Shop alongside the Feminist Law Society, smashed some stigmas at Sex in the Hub and marched to reclaim our Mental Health as part of the ‘Wait is Over’”

I’m running for wellbeing and sustainability for some bloody good reasons, all which the mighty Honeybadger surely condones. As they say, with great reasons, comes great policies.

I’m passionate about wellbeing and sustainability and I have plenty of experience in leadership roles, on committees and making niche tag yourself memes. I study Law and Arts (IR and Development studies) so I have concrete knowledge of administrative systems and optimization of human spaces.

KIMBERLY MCINTYRE

2019 is no different. As interimWSO I’ve already taken the lead on Sex Week alongside the WVP, continued working with rep groups at our Mental Health Wānanga and taken care of freshers in our O-Week safe room. All of these gave me a front-row seat to what’s being done to help improve student wellbeing, and highlighted the mahi still to be done. My time as a tour guide on the Rainbow Warrior last year, meeting and chatting with Chloe Swarbrick (I’m still a little star struck), and most recently working on the School Strike 4 Climate Change has warmed my green heart. There’s so much potential for student action to really make a difference in protecting Papatūānuku. Given my experience, passion, and dedication to wellbeing and sustainability, I’m ready to drop the ‘interim’ and become VUWSA’s WSO 2019.

I’m from Auckland (South). Study LLB/BA (ANOTHER ONE). My side-profile looks like Nick Cummins underfed cousin (accurate).

1. Men’s Mental Health — It’s time blokes got involved in the mental health kaupapa. Unspoken, our brothers, fathers and sons have suffered. Capitalizing on 2018’s movement, we need to push dedicated services for our bros. I seek to introduce men’s mental health forums, allowing boys a say in changes needed. 2. Expanding Thursdays in Black — Raising sexual assault awareness by sporting black doesn’t just show you support a great cause, whilst looking stylish. Expanding TIB, via regular activities and events, widens the effectiveness, and support shown by these activities. 3. Clean Green Food — There’s plenty of food initiatives around campus to help students struggling to reach five+ a day, but how many know about the community garden or food pantry? Alongside keen campus groups, we can assure these services are available to any student needing a break from ramen.

Wellbeing and sustainability are some of the most important aspects of university. Holistic wellbeing of oneself, others, and wider university community, and the sustainability of environmental, educational, and administrative practices is crucial. As a nature lover and self-confessed keep-cup freak, sustainability is my (organic, ethically produced) jam. As wellbeing and sustainability officer, I want to make all forms of wellbeing more accessible for everyone - whether this be weekend hikes being available, better gym prices, free mental health boosting events, or more puppies on campus. Whether you’re into turmeric lattes or getting your groove on at zumba, I want everyone at vic to feel better in themselves. I want to hear what you want! What makes you feel your best? Essentially, my goal is to prevent students and the planet from crashing and burning. Please get in touch: sophielee077@ gmail.com Peace out

Engagement Vice President Nominees:

VOTING IS NOW OPEN! TE PUAWAI O TE ATUA WALLER

KATIE BERRIMAN As Engagement VP I will focus on you and your well-being. I will ensure the events and services provided by VUWSA create a safe, exciting student experience for you, your mate, that guy in your tutorial, and every other person on campus. As the Student Association, it’s crucial that VUWSA prioritises the needs and interests of the student community. It’s too easy for VUWSA to recycle the same people each year and while experience is key, it’s time for a fresh face with a different set of skills and experiences. I will foster an environment where students feel safe and included, by celebrating and supporting the mana of our diverse student body. The youth voice is too often disregarded in political discussions. I will use my experiences in political youth wings to work with various groups and bring you forums, expert guest speakers, and ‘Meet the Politician’ evenings. I want to ensure all VUWSA services are accessible for all Victoria Uni students. Discrimination and fear has no place on our campus. Attention needs to be given to all students within our community regardless of their ethnicity, gender, sexuality and religion. I will fight for this to be our top priority.

Kia ora, my name is Te Puawai and I’m the intemin Engagement VicePresident. I have grown and given my all to this role. The years’ only started and we’ve achieved some cool things.

VOTING IS NOW OPEN!

Starting strong with VUWSA retreat where we talked about how we could action out the visions and aspirations we had for VUWSA. O-Week was 12-hours days to get the mahi done. Wall planners, free food, cleaning spew, banging music, safe room, pizza living, coffee and a whole lot of drunk first years is how I’d best sum it up.

VOTING IS NOW OPEN!

Next up was hall visits! I wanted students to know that VUWSA is NOT 10-representatives, but 22,000 and we are accountable to you. We held a Mental Health Wānanga that was solutions-based to discuss what we could do to help our students with their Mental Wellbeing. Sex in the Hub week is coming up next week because we don’t want people to guess the yes. The VUWSA team has put in hard hours to make sure it’s a banger! There is a new campaign on the horizon, #ITooAmVic. This video series aims to honour diversity and inclusivity within our community. Our differences makes this university shine.

Paper ballets can be cast at the VUWSA Kelburn office between 10am — 4pm. Voting opens April 1 & closes 11am April 10

Head to voting.vuwsa.org.nz Results of the 2019 By-Election will be announced at our Initial General Meeting on April 10, from 12 noon. See you there!

Features

Going Deep KII SMALL

"These are no lollies. This is no place for children." I grab my half-full glass of Prosecco and take a lustful sip. The smell of chamomile tea and marijuana wafts in from the kitchen. There are three bowls in my peripheral vision: The first bowl: small, filled with green and black pitted olives. Sitting beside it, a medium sized bowl, overflowing with tight, red, homegrown grapes. At the far side of the room, a fishbowl with a variety of colourful condoms and lube. This isn’t your regular ‘first year, everyone be safe’ condom bowl. This is an industrialsized ‘we bout to do some lovin’ condom bowl. It sits on a wooden table next to the first bedroom. Reminds me something of a lolly jar. But these are no lollies. This no place for children.

This is a sex party, and people have come here to fuck. It all began three weeks prior, after a mate told me that the Botanic Gardens were ‘dodgy’ after dark. My curiosity was sparked, and he proceeded to explain to me what ‘dogging’ was. Dogging is where people meet up in their cars and watch each other have sex. Some join in, some just watch. To give it a bit of spice, it’s only considered dogging if it’s in a public place. Popular Wellington spots include outside the SPCA, the Botanical Gardens, and several car parks. It’s like regular sex, but with a really engaging audience in a place you won’t see in the same way once the sun rises. Several sex forums and subreddits are dedicated to this activity, which made me even more interested. People dedicated time and anonymous profiles to this.

Why didn’t I know about dogging before? Were there other secret ‘sex activities’ around Wellington? Is ‘dogging’ outside of the SPCA a hilarious coincidence, or a well-thought-out pun? A few coffees and phone calls later, I had managed to learn plenty about the underground sex scene of Wellington. I quickly found out that dogging, though popular, was sort of amateur compared to other sex gatherings. Alex, a professional entertainer, told me to look into the streets of Wellington. “Sex is everywhere. At 1 a.m. on Courtenay Place there is much happening and Vivian St looks dead. Where do you think people are having sex?” She was right. I never realised, but dogging was only the tip of the iceberg. If the dogging community was easy to get into, I wanted to find out about the places I couldn’t get into. The places where people’s sexual fantasies were not just a laughable dream. The underground sex scene of Wellington. Two weeks later, I received a call from a lady

Going Deep named Gracie. “Tickets are $xx and you’ll need to provide a document proving you’re clean. “Uhh, who’s this—Can I just talk to you in a second?” My heartrate goes through the roof as I scramble to find out why I need to get checked and what tickets I was paying for. Gracie explains she got my contact number off XYZ and heard I wanted to know more about the scene. Gracie has been organising sex parties for the last two years. Professional parties. She takes no shit and has a phone voice that brings me back to hours on hold with StudyLink. I tell her about the story I’m writing, and she’s intrigued. She allows me in as a nonparticipant for a small fee and gives me the address. “See you next Sunday.” There are moments in my life where I feel like I need to cut the wire. Moments where I feel I’ve gone too far into a joke and need to start backpedalling at the speed of light. Maybe I should stop before something goes wrong? I didn’t know what—or who—to expect. The only knowledge I had going into this was that there was a sex party occurring, I was STI clean, I had an invite, and it was nowhere near the SPCA. Should I turn back? Nah, fuck that. Let’s do this. I roll up to a three-story house overlooking Wellington. It’s easily a million dollar house. Gracie opens the door and greets me with

a warm hug and a welcoming smile. She informs me that my phone and notebook will have to stay at the door. From this point on, I’ll be without any recording equipment. I’ll have to really dive into the experience. The house was a work of art. It looked like your rich friend’s nan’s house, if nan was nasty. I’m greeted by two couples and nine singles. There are four bedrooms, all with king beds and headboard lights. The doors are labelled: Swingers. Toys. No Dicks. Gay. The swingers room had a couch in it, but no swing. Disappointing to my childish psyche. I return to thirteen people in a circle, sharing intimate thoughts with each other on couches, bean bags, and on the floor. Blue and red stickers were passed around: blue for gentle sex and red for rough sex. A man, older than me by at least a decade, passed them to me, “Red or blue for you?” “Sorry, I’m not participating,” I chuckled as he smiled and passed them to Gracie. People began to exchange stories as I helped myself to the gratuitous cheese board. Soft signals. Safe words. Things people wanted to try, and advice on those things. This was an open space for sharing your sexual fantasies and mistakes. Couples shared their ideal threesomes just before

Gracie went over the rules: There is to be no alcohol in any of the rooms. Consensual sex is good sex. Shower before you enter your first room, and have fun. “Be overcome by alcohol and you won’t come again.” It was then that I realised: this wasn’t what I expected. This wasn’t the wild orgy as portrayed in TV shows such as True Blood or True Detective, with limited rules and no communication. This was an open space for adults to be free in their sexual nature. A safe space where they could be with open-minded people and totally disconnect from their day jobs. There was no binge drinking or pill-popping. The amount of condoms and lube perfectly defined what was about to happen. This was good, clean fun. At 8:30 I get a nod from Gracie signalling this is the point I should leave. She had risked her reputation as a sex party organiser having me there, but it didn’t seem to bother her. On my way out, I can only imagine what would happen in this house after the door shuts. I pick up my backpack and phone, and walk out the front door. Looking back as I cross the road, the house blends into the others on the street. It’s just another house in Wellington.

"The only knowledge I had going into this was that there was a sex party occurring, I was STI clean, I had an invite, and it was nowhere near the SPCA."

Everything Is Coloured in Blue. CW: Rape, Sexual Assault I was a high school student, he was my deputy head boy. Hindsight is a powerful thing. I didn’t understand terms like power and oppression. And the impact the two would have on your average 16-year-old girl. This is the story of how I was almost [redacted] at 16 years old. Blue was a familiar face, perhaps even a friendly one. He was the captain of the XI football team, and went to the same parties. Blue was always joking, but his girlfriend didn’t seem to like many of his jokes. My boy was on the football team—and he liked Blue’s jokes. Before Blue had gotten his girlfriend, he had shown an interest in me. I was 14 years old when he [redacted] at my first party. I remember being told what to do, and how to position myself. I was incoherently obedient amongst the total darkness of a stranger's room. A light turned on, and I remember being [redacted] by another girl. She asked if I was okay, and I don’t ever remember responding. Blue is [redacted] . Interrogated with questions like—‘did you hurt her?’ I am now 16 years old. And it was just Blue and I at this party. Our other friend had left, and Blue had offered to walk me home. Relief—I was scared to walk home alone. Blue seemed very thoughtful. This was the complete opposite direction to where he lived. He must have really wanted me to get home safe. I felt safe. You are always told to get a boy to walk you home—especially after parties. But we were just friends Blue—and I trusted you. He walks me to the door, and I say good night. I slump into bed, and seconds away from unconsciousness—I hear a knock on the door. Blue wanted to sleep on the floor. His house was so far away, and it was very late. His parents would be upset. We were out late for a couple of 16 and [redacted]-year-olds.

I gave Blue a blanket and a pillow—satisfied I was helping him out. Just as he had helped me out. Afterall, I wouldn't have gotten home safe without his company. I made the mistake of turning out the light, and going to sleep. A [redacted], up and down—up and down my leg. Warmth, I could feel body warmth. I sat up straight, and there he was [redacted] in bed. Blue was cold on the floor. Not to worry, we could just top and tail. Afterall—we were just mates. Don’t be so absurd. I rolled over and faced the wall. Again, [redacted], up and down—up and down, into my [redacted]. Fingers navigated through my [redacted] and forced themselves inside me. It was hard to move. I tried to roll over and he [redacted]. What are you doing Blue? Please stop. Get off me please. Please stop—you’re hurting [redacted]. He fastened his grip on my [redacted] and whispered “Let’s Finish What We Started” Those words still ring in my ears today. After twenty minutes of [redacted], I broke free my wrist. Blue turned into Red. Blue was angry. He withdrew his [redacted] and threw himself back onto the floor. I froze—paralysed against the wall for protection. Clink, Clink I woke up to the sound of his [redacted] being put on. “If You Know What’s Good for You - Don’t Say Anything to Anyone Else” His departing words haunted me for the next week. I called [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted]. [Redacted] asked if I was okay, but never followed up. Afterall—Blue was “one of the boys”. [Redacted] said she believed me—and then told Blue’s girlfriend I had slept with him. [Redacted] said “I Don’t Know Whether I Believe You. Blue’s a Cool Guy and I Don’t Think He Meant it Like That”. It was a week after I was almost [redacted]. And I was labelled a “[redacted]”. All I could focus on was his silver striped blazer and badges of glory. I watched him at assemblies—reporting on the football team’s latest win. Everyone cheered. I didn’t. Blue stopped and apologised to my boyfriend for the [redacted]. He smiles and shakes his hand—“Lads”. Blue had paid his dues—by apologising to somebody else for [redacted]. I can’t watch another football game—without thinking of Blue. I can’t be friends with a boy—without thinking I am being sexualised or romanticised. I don’t feel safe if a boy is walking me home. Everything Is Coloured in Blue.

How do you set the mood before it goes down?

How would you go about finding your ideal date?

A: Netflix, maybe a few snacks that don’t leave crumbs. Lo-fi hiphop beats to chill/study to in the background.

A: Tinder, Bumble. Something that doesn’t require me getting up. B: Going outside and connecting with people at a cafe or a bar. In person is the best way to not date a creep.

B: Weed, white wine. I come alive in the night time ;) C: Put on some Boyz II Men, dim the lights while lighting the vanilla caramel candle

C: Sitting next to them in a lecture and flicking them my phone number, credit card details, and my three most recent postal addresses on the back of a damp post-it note.

D: After several hours of coffee roasting and testing the pH levels of your kombucha, you’re stimulated enough to give yourself head.

D: Dark, slightly soft, and from the bulk food aisle of Moore Wilson or Commonsense Organics.

What’s your guilty fantasy that you can’t wait to try?

Who would your preferred threesome be with?

A: A very close friend and someone you’re intimate with. You prefer to be in the corner watching before you hop in.

A: Quickies in the wildest places. Bathroom of a restaurant? Back of your lecture theatre? You and the conductor on the cable car? Just put it in me.

B: Your lecturer and your old English teacher. Anything to get your grades up.

B: Just a little bit of anal. You haven’t tried it yet, but it’s as easy as it looks in porn, right?

C: Idris Elba and his wife. During foreplay, you’re downstairs cooking a three-course meal. You haven’t felt this naughty since O-Week.

C: An orgy. Everyone is covered in oil and you’re sliding in, out, and around the place in a red wine-fueled euphoria.

D: Your barista and Mac Demarco. Bagels and green tea are your pre-game nibbles.

D: A human caterpillar chain of giving and receiving oral that runs across Oriental Bay in the dead of night.

After a familiar one night stand, what y’all eating in the morning?

Date night arrives. They decide the food, you decide the drinks. What are you ordering?

A: Gin & tonics, all night.

A: White bread, strawberry jam. Weetbix and ‘borderline milk’ if you’re still hungry.

B: A jug of craft beer, followed by shots that no one likes but yourself.

B: Subway. May even splash out on something that’s not sub-of-the-day.

C: A litre of pineapple juice and rum served out of a shelled coconut.

C: Arancini balls from the mushroom risotto you made in your food prep rush the day before.

D: One glass of red, 2014 vintage that has a buttery feel and nutty aftertaste, of which there are only ten bottles produced a year. Along with one espresso martini.

D: Breakfast? Photosynthesis is all you need and they can join in as long as they’re gone by 11 a.m. because you can’t miss hot yoga again.

Mostly As

Mostly Bs

There’s no such thing as mood lighting for you, because the only light in your room is the blinding incandescent bulb you haven’t thought to change. You make sure your lanyard is put somewhere safe before you get down n’ dirty. You don’t know how to give head but you still try, frequently looking up at your tinder date du jour, only to see them staring at you blankly (you keep going anyway).

You use too much tongue. You have not yet found the clitoris. You are known for the time you brought a tinder date back to your house knowing full well there was a used condom from the previous weekend on your bedroom floor.

Mostly Ds Mostly Cs “Can I give you head under the stars on my recycled wool blanket from Sweden, or would you prefer to watch some art house amateur porn on my futon?” You don’t like to use protection because it interferes with the spiritual connection of sex, and besides, do you know how many turtles die each year after choking on dental dams?

Your dirty talk is as lyrical as a Lana Del Rey song. You own a gold-plated vibrating cock ring and a collection of silk ropes in varying lengths. Foreplay starts in the spa bath, you’ll go down on your lover in front of the fire, then it’s to your velvetladen bed for eye-contact missionary.

Disclaimer: This personality quiz, like all personality quizzes, including astrology (which is basically a personality quiz anyway), is not real or accurate, and I would even go so far to say it is full of shit.

Kendall Laurent, Blue Couch, Oil on

n Canvas, 91cm x 122cm, 2017

opinion

The Dirty Whispers of Margaret Atwood MAYA NEUPANE This shit is HOT. It’s my mouth, their lips, my hands on their body, their hands, my body, pressed against the couch—you get the idea—the situation is fanfiction steamy. Fuck. I almost forgot the essential third member of the situation. No. I’m not talking about leaving room for Jesus. It’s Margaret Atwood. Margaret. Fuckin'. Atwood. Hi, my name is Maya, and I am currently being haunted by the spirit of the Canadian author Margaret Atwood during sex. How can you shut up a 79-year-old white woman whispering to you about so-called male fantasies when you’re tryna fuck? Help? “Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies?” Atwood begins as I unbutton my shirt. Do you know how much of a turn-off it is to hear her elderly Canadian drawl in a sexy situation? I try to move on to loosening the belt that keeps my jorts held up high and proud, but she’s back and better than ever: “Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it’s all a male fantasy.” I’m taking off my bucket hat and bra but Atwoods won’t quit—she persists in interrupting my sinful pursuits. “Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy…” she tells me, raising one eyebrow while watching me attempt to hop out of my Kmart underwear “ … You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.” Allison Reynolds, the singular somewhatlikable and interesting member of the The Breakfast Club had something to say about sex. “It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?... ... if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut! It's a trap.” Despite being a self-proclaimed compulsive liar, original goth girl Allison was right—the slut-to-prude scale is always tipping one way or the other in society. Sex is complex— one day you’re told it’s an empowering act, then the next day it’s the opposite.

I don’t want to shame anyone over what they choose to do with their body. Some people have sex and that’s that. Pretty cool ay? However, like with most things—it can contain so much more. The complexities of the term ‘thot’ (That Ho Over There) reflect this confusion. Thot can sound so different depending on the context. When you’re with the girls, they make it a Saturday night war cry, twisting it on its head and assigning it a melody. Then sometimes, as you question yourself on the other side of a one night stand it’s… different. As if the word has so much more to say. In the morning, are you the former or latter thot—liberated or problematic?

So although sex positivity is something I completely agree with in theory—in practice, there are often unexpected and damaging real-life repercussions from the dominance of this narrative. It took me a long time to think critically about the louder, older, seemingly more educated opinions on sex that I was reading online in my early high school years, which championed hypersexuality as a means of women’s liberation. The truth of the moment was that you had to take control of your own body. Flip the script and use your newly empowering sexuality as a weapon against the patriarchal sexual oppression. So it felt sacrilegious and “not very woke” of me to disobey.

Or maybe you don’t have sex. The next day you’re nothing—just a background character, leading a sexless, unvalidated life outside the sphere of Quintessential Coming Of Age Teenage Experiences. You’re just another culturally restrained prude, tied up in your backward opinions (Catholic guilt, Asian asexualism, or the looming spectre of protective parenting) leaving you ‘behind the times’. I mean, everyone knows sex is just a thing for the hot skinny white movie star protagonists… you know… the people who actually get focused upon.

This couldn’t be wrong—I mean, the people I was choosing to connect with at this point in my life were agreeing with this get-it-at-allcosts mentality too! In fact, they were almost too into it—they liked that I was “not like other Asians/other girls” and not “boring and triggered” about sex. When anybody tried to tell me otherwise, and worried about the decisions I was making, I placed them in this latter category—they obviously just hadn’t become as charmingly liberated as I had. In hindsight, I don’t think I was the one profiting off my Supposedly Empowering Sex Life.

I always wonder why I hold the beliefs and take the actions that I do. I also wonder why I’m wondering about this subject. Internalised patriarchal sexual repression and misogyny could be the reason I’m constantly contemplating my own sexuality. Sometimes I wonder if I have been unconsciously using sex as a way to solidify my presence in the mainstream, modernday feminist movement. Or as a gateway to building an identity that’s more than being part of the “boring academic Asian group” in the predominantly white (and incredibly racist) community of Auckland. It feels ungrateful to admit that sex-positive third wave feminism, something that has been a force of good in my life and so many others’, can also have its downsides. Despite the fact that our cultural beliefs surrounding sexuality are rapidly evolving, some factors aren’t moving forward at the same rate.

Sex as a form of—I use the term loosely— emotional self-harm was something that turned my world sideways. Violent sex as a form of self-harm flipped that shit all the way upside down. Your body is yours and your decisions are too—but you need to think critically while making them. Why are you choosing to make them? What effect are they having on you? Maybe start having a think before Margaret Atwood comes for you, too.

WHAT RUINED THE MOOD: STORIES FROM THE STUDENT BODY

Let me set the scene: You’re in a room appropriately darkened, lit only by pin-points of candle-light. Rose petals cover the bed. You look better than you ever have. A sexy song is playing in the background. Oh, and Channing Tatum is there.

Send your replies to our Instagram stories @salientgram

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? No? For many of us, our views of sex are shaped by what we see in movies or on TV. We grow up believing that sex will be 100% fun every time, women can climax in five seconds, if you don’t have satin underwear then you’re frankly not living life, and that pregnancy is a myth straight out of Fairyland.

Saw my reflection in the mirror, didn't realise my hand looked so lonely

All the human elements of sex are lost. The honest moments of intimacy, the mistakes… The people-walking-in-onyou, accidentally-bit-her-tit, no-babe-this-isn’t-what-itlooks-like-I’m administering-first-aid parts of sex.

To scratch your itch, tickle your pickle, and (insert other titillating expression here), we have hand-picked a few choice stories about who/what/when/where/why of sex that shattered the mood. JEAN CAMPBELL

Vomiting chocolate ice-cream all over his dick Realising I was being filmed without my consent

"Did your ex make you feel this good?" yes he did actually

Called me daddy and I started thinking about her potential dad issues

Trying to play my kinks without prior discussion

Ex-boyfriend reaching for a leftover cheeseburger mid-ride #iwasntlovinit

TE PAEA HOORI

This week’s sartorial musings come to you from somewhere on the ocean between New Caledonia and Fiji. Fresh with cruise liner-approved micro-trends, here are my tips for how you, too, can sail away from your assigned readings and stylistic commitments—whether vicariously or otherwise. Step 1. Castaway financial accountability While admittedly, a 12-night cruise around the Pacific Islands is indulgent, I promise it seems a lot less bourgeois when you see my credit card statements. In fact, you too can find yourself aboard the ‘Explorer of the Seas’ if you hit up a sale, convince your bank to increase your overdraft, and temporarily suspend any interest in your long-term financial health. Who needs course-related costs? (Answer: you. You absolutely need CRC for things that are course-related. Bonus life tip—do not take financial advice from someone who is on their third Long Island iced tea at 11 a.m.) Step 2. Bedazzle everything you own I’m not sure whether it’s some residual fascination with pirate booty (teehee), but here on the high seas, everything seems to come heavily embellished. If burlesque stars and drag performers are key demographics in the rhinestone market, I can only assume all other sales come directly from cruises and their patrons. I seriously saw a bedazzled denim adult’s cap for sale, which I have to believe was previously owned by early 2000s Britney Spears herself. But if hats aren’t your thing, other fashion options include an array of sparkly lanyards, shimmering tote bags, and my personal favourite: a navy and white t-shirt featuring the words “Get Nauti” spelt in baby blue rhinestones. Step 3. Prints are the new black As a bonafide Wellingtonian with Melbournian roots, approximately 70% of my wardrobe consists of clothing in grey, black, and slightly darker black. For this reason, I found myself boarding the ship wearing black ripped jeans and a black Rosa Diaz-esque pleather jacket, layered over a black leotard. While everyone else looked sufficiently

tropical island-bound, I looked like I was going to some kind of risqué funeral. On mingling with some of the other guests, I found what my wardrobe was missing from its repertoire was a garishly patriotic t-shirt and a comical tropicana print. This included one man wearing a “Triumphant America” t-shirt as we were leaving port, which was bold in both typestyle and content. Meanwhile, “Tropical Night” in the main dining hall revealed that there is a whole niche market for Hawaiian-style shirt spoofs that I didn’t know about. These typically feature national animals like kangaroos or koalas wearing sunnies, sipping cocktails, or watching the sunset. Step 4. Anything Goes Cruises are a great time to take a break not only from your typical daily tasks, but loosen your commitment to coordinated clothing. While packing, I thought: “bring a beach cover to compliment my Seafolly one-piece” and found wedges to match my acid-washed high-waisted shorts. It hadn’t occurred to me the weather might deviate from the clear blue skies depicted in the catalogue. So tomorrow, as we dock in Suva and likely battle the forecasted thunderstorm, it’s looking like I will be wearing my friend’s hoodie layered over a sundress, paired with chunky, metallic heeled boots. If you have one takeaway from this article—other than tequila’s adverse effect on column writing—it should be to have fun with your clothing. The fashion industry takes itself too seriously, and with all that has happened this month, maybe we all need to don a shirt with tessellating, hibiscuswearing wombats. Arohanui from across the ocean, and as always—wishing you styling serendipity and head-to-toe sass,

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SASHA BEATTIE Without speaking in absolutes or signing a contract that binds me henceforth, at this point in life, I’ve realised I’m not that fussed on sex. I don’t need or even really want it. I’ve realised that I often have sex with people because I feel like if I don’t, they’ll get bored and find it elsewhere. I often have sex because I feel like I should be having sex, not necessarily because I want to be having sex.

The first time I polished Satan’s doorbell, I was 18. I’d recently moved away from home, and my new abode came equipped with a detachable shower head. Experimenting with strumming the clitar via that detachable shower head took away the socially conditioned “ick” factor that accompanied the thought of physically touching my own genitalia, and made both the idea and act of flicking my bean more approachable. That detachable shower head was my first true love.

I’ve internalised this complex that if you want someone to stick around, you gotta fuck. That if you’re not having sex with your partner, it’s not a ~real~ relationship. This is horseshit, for the record, in case you needed to hear someone say that out loud.

We’re not always blessed with a detachable shower head, which is a genuine tragedy, but there are other ways to visit your batcave that can make the initial experience less intimidating. Dominant culture might have you believe that tinkering with your undercarriage necessarily involves penetration, but that is an egregious fallacy and an affront to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. My clit is the prima donna of this particular one-woman show: she alone commands the standing ovation. Penetration is but one of many supporting acts—welcome, but ultimately unnecessary. Keep it simple, keep it clean: two fingers massaging your bingo spot over your undies is a good place to start.

Maybe this is me making peace with being on some kind of demi- or asexuality spectrum, and honestly, I’m not particularly interested in identifying or labelling it. I’m pretty content acknowledging and respecting that—at least for now—I have absolutely zero interest in having sex with anyone, at all. Single-player sex, however, is a whole other story. Just because I don’t wanna fuck doesn’t mean I’m not tryna cum, you know what I’m saying?

The thing to remember is that vulvas can vary significantly from person to person, and your pleasure isn’t going to directly mirror anyone else’s. Don’t be afraid to get intimately acquainted with your down-belows. Get to know your body. Learn what gets you in da mood, both physically and mentally. Relax. Be patient. Focus on what feels good and what doesn’t.

Masturbation isn’t talked about enough. Specifically, masturbation isn’t talked about enough outside of the cismale gaze—by and for women and gender minorities. Masturbation is universal, but the discourse of masturbation is steeped in rhetoric that centres cis-male pleasure. Women and gender minorities getting themselves off is fetishised plenty, but we are largely denied agency in bringing ourselves pleasure where it doesn’t cater to that of the cis man. So let’s fucking talk about it, eh?

Rub one out. Squat in the cucumber patch. Rummage in your meat wallet. Do a Meg Ryan. Tap your own potential. Love you like (I hope) you’re loving yourselves, xoxo

Now, I can offer no expertise when it comes to vulval/ vaginal pleasure. I can only be obnoxiously open about my personal experience masturbating as a cis woman, in the hopes that more vajeen-havers will start getting to know their bodies, openly conversing about their pleasure, and ultimately, having more orgasms—which is the utopia we all yearn for, really.

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NĀ TE NIA MATTHEWS

NGĀ WĀHINE, NGĀ TĀNE Sex has always been a topic freely spoken about in Te Ao Māori with charm and reverence. Every phase of life was discussed by parents in the presence of children. Even things which colonisers deem most intimate—there was no word considered rude; nothing in the body thought as unclean; no bodily functions were treated as being unworthy of mention in plain language. However, the stigmatisation of sex and sexuality has long been a venture of colonisation aiming to obtain control over women’s bodies and how their bodies should be expressed. There is no better example of this than that of the Māori woman. As it was regarded as noa (free from tapu) prior to colonisation, it was common for the vulva to be illustrated above the entrance way to wharenui, removing the tapu from anyone who passed underneath. Te Arawa tohunga Hohepa Te Rake spoke of how highly women were thought of, how every Māori male was to be respectful to their mothers, wives, and sisters. Women were not merely bodies of joy and beauty. “She was the expression of all that was highest and most sacred in life, and the only means whereby Mankind could improve itself.” This leads us into the ideas on Māori traditional childbirth. According to Tūhoe elder Rose Pere, it was men who birthed the babies. During pregnancy, fathers and grandfathers would speak to the child in the womb, recounting tribal histories, knowledge. Traditions across the country saw men as midwives. Birth was not purely a women’s issue, rather it was a whānau issue, as whakapapa is essential to Māori worldview, as I’m sure you already know. However, respect for Māori women and all the things they are able to achieve has constantly been undermined and twisted by Colonial ethnographers like Elsdon Best. As Ngahuia Murphy put it, Best “took Māori sacred traditions and philosophies rewrote them, erasing any language of female power and instead inserted patriarchal language,” smashing the

bond between Māori men and women, creating division between the superior male (who is white, Christian, and civilised) and the inferior female (who is dark-skinned, savage, immoral). Best rewrote the definition of tapu as sacred and superior when speaking about men, but used tapu as “unclean” when applying it to women. Ngahuia also says these attitudes were designed to “control the dangerous, uncivilised female body.” This means that the decolonisation process (which men like myself try to make part of our lives) needs to include the liberation of women’s bodies. There can be no decolonisation without a dismantling of the patriarchy, and vice versa. The disgraceful acts on March 15, 2019 stem from these processes of white superiority which aim to restrict and control the bodies of not only women but of BROWN WOMEN SINCE 1642. Liberating brown women from these attitudes will ensure a toppling of the patriarchy; with its downfall, white supremacy will fall, too. I also want to take time out of this article to send my aroha to our Muslim whānau. Māori across the country know the fear a Pākehā man with a gun can bring. I’m sorry we we didn’t do better to protect you. There isn’t anything more that I need to say, I don’t think I have any crazy punchline to end on, except: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5)

FUCK WHITE SUPREMACY CALL OUT RACISM WHEN YOU SEE IT BELIEVE BROWN WOMEN DECOLONISE DISMANTLE THE PATRIARCHY

UN IQ

VU WSA

WILL ELAND

RIHANNA MORAR

Sexual education is a risky game. You might get taught such wild ‘facts’ such as “kissing a boy once will get you pregnant” or “toilet seats will get you pregnant” or even “swimming pools will get you pregnant”. Sex Ed when you’re some variety of queer, however, is downright insulting. You’re lucky if you get any education about diverse sexualities that isn’t (a) less than one lesson long (b) incorrect or (c) offensive.

Tēnā koutou katoa

When I went through my P.E/Health classes in college, we watched The Great Sperm Race (2009) and were horrified by the morph-suit sperm (watch it—it's an experience). After it finished, my teacher asked if we had any questions. One student asked about homosexuality— our teacher said that we weren't supposed to discuss those things and moved on. We did have one lesson on sexuality, a couple of teachers later. This “lesson” was a five-minute game where we matched the sexuality with the definition. I cringed as our teacher began to read the answers aloud:

Sex in the Hub is a week-long initiative (April 1–5), with events at Kelburn, Pipitea, AND Te Aro campuses! We will mostly be selling funky clothing, jewellery, and fundraising for organisations who are committed to sexual harm reduction.

Rhianna here, and I’m your Welfare Vice President this year. This time last year I was marching down Lambton Quay, chanting “Ru-ssel Mc-Veagh, Sexual Assault is not OK”—wild, right? Well, this year, I’m proud to bring you Sex Week 2019.

This is a partnership event with Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington City Council, and MAWSA. Mayor Justin Lester will formally open the Kelburn event at 1 p.m. sharp, so get your flirt on.

“Bisexuality is when you have sex with multiple people,” he announced. “We all know what homosexuals are, I assume, and heterosexuals are… I'm not entirely sure.” “Sir, you're a heterosexual.”...“What?”

We want to create a culture within the university community in which people feel empowered over their bodily and sexual autonomy, and enhance student and staff toolkits to act as ethical bystanders and to identify potentially harmful situations.

I took over the class with all the confidence and gusto of a fifteen-year-old who had recently realised that there were more options than straight, and taught my class what was actually a good lesson on sexuality. Not every class had good teachers, or someone willing to wrest control from the teacher.

We know that when it comes to sex and health talks, you are often preaching to the converted. We want to access those people less likely to engage in these kinds of kōrero in a fun and interactive way. The core kaupapa we are focusing on are:

QUICK GUIDE TO SEXUALITY:

• How to have sex—safely, respectfully, and enjoyably. • Filling the gaps of knowledge left by inconsistent (sometimes non-existent) sexuality education in secondary schools across Aotearoa. • Equipping our students, especially new students, with the tools to exercise their own bodily autonomy. • Setting a zero-tolerance culture for sexual violence within the student community and beyond!

Sexuality—who you are attracted to. Gender identity—what you identify as. Heterosexual—attraction to the ‘opposite’ gender. Homosexual—attraction to the same gender. Bisexual—attraction to two or more genders. Pansexual—attraction to all genders. Asexual—lack of sexual attraction. Transgender—identifying as a gender other than the one you were given at birth.

We are committed to sexual harm reduction in Wellington. We believe that this kind of change needs to begin with educational initiatives like Sex in the Hub.

Note: I took over most of the health classes that year, including every aspect of Sex Ed. I’m not sure we were ever taught how to put a condom on, in all honesty. Or what it was. I sincerely hope that your classes were better than mine.

Ngā mihi Rhianna, Welfare Vice President xx

Hi I’m Lena. My dad is a sex therapist and I’m studying to be a sex educator—we’re here to talk relationships and sex, so send your queries and worries our way (sex@salient.org.nz) “How do u deal with internalised shame entrenched by sexually conservative parents when u wanna hoe?” Lena: One powerful thing you can do to combat the shame you’ve internalised from your parents’ views is to give yourself other narratives. We have such easy access to so many media outlets now—I’d encourage everyone to follow at least a few sex positive Instagrams. In my experience, the constant reinforcement and conversations these posts can provide is not something to be underestimated. Not only do you see the post, but you also see hundreds—if not thousands—of other individuals interacting with them, giving you a scale of how many people have outlooks on sex and sexuality, beyond that of shaming. Also, hoe-ing means a lot of different things to different people (I assume you don’t mean literal sex work), but I would say the baseline to any long-term flourishing hoe-ness is to ensure your safety/sanity first. We’re talking physical safety, such as ALWAYS using condoms with new partners, or if you’re sleeping with more than one person. Consistent STI checks are also important— around every three months is a good goal. Your emotional safety is equally important: Make sure you’re having sex with people who you will listen to and respect your boundaries. Honestly, this sometimes means having way less sex than your appetite would desire, ‘cause turns out lots of people are terrible at negotiating consent and respecting others’ boundaries—it’s shitty but true. If you act with integrity around your physical and emotional health, you will be more likely to overcome that shame-drenched voice in your head. You have no reason to feel guilty about your sex life if you’re respecting yourself and others. Lastly, figuring out what a healthy sex life looks like for you takes time—be gentle with yourself while you work out what form of hoe-ing is best for you.

Dad: Shame hates sunlight, so a lot of what I have to say is about talking and being open about who you are sexually. That can start by putting into words what was said and done to create the shame. Talk to trusted friends about how you were raised, and the impact it had on you. If you have a partner you can trust, talk to them about it too. If you happen to have siblings you can talk to, exploring these experiences together can be even more powerful. Then think about who you want to be, sexually. Think of people you know, or have seen, or read about, whom you admire in this way and try and find words to describe what it is they are doing that fits with who you see yourself being. Be clear about why you think the sex you want is OK, good, worthwhile, desirable. Again, talk with intimate friends about this—name it as an aspiration. From that reflection, it can be helpful to try and distill a few pieces of self-talk that encapsulate your beliefs about sex—to use when the critical messages return to your mind. Examples might be “My body is mine” or “Sex is for fun and pleasure” or “Sex is just conversation with bodies and I can talk to whomever I want to”. Finally, a word of caution: Being really free and easy with sex is not everyone’s jam. There is a danger of it becoming a new oppressive norm. So be careful that you are not throwing the baby out with the bathwater as you push back against the shaming. You may “wanna hoe” but the important thing is that you get to be you, free of shame.

A S K S I S SY

T WO GU YS O NE BET

ANONYMOUS

BRAD & JAMES

I’m having a difficult time making friends at Vic. I’ve been having a hard time breaking into any friend groups or making any substantial friendships and feeling very isolated here. I have tried to join clubs, talk to people at different events, and reach out to those in close proximity. People are friendly and willing to chat you up but impossible to stay in contact and make a solid connection. I tried to reach out, but people seemed to not be responsive and assume I have others who are taking care of me. I’m just hoping for a friend to eat lunch with —is it that difficult? Relatable! It took me four years of uni before I found my coffee pal—I feel you! You are doing a great job of putting yourself out there. Cultivating a new friendship can involve a lot of work— this is why so many of us end up watching Netflix with our cat on a Friday night (shoutout to Alfie). Take the lead and be vulnerable. Invite potential chums out for coffee/lunch and be honest about how it's been difficult to make new friends at uni. After meeting up, build on that connection by sharing links to articles/ memes/YouTube clips/dogs etc. Invite them to meet again. Build intimacy through a strategic use of emojis and hashtags #friends. Don't be disheartened if friendships take a little time to develop. You are already doing an excellent job of seeking friendship opportunities. I bet there are lots of people feeling the same way but who haven't had the confidence to join clubs or talk to new people at events. Making new friends is a common struggle, even if it appears to come easily to other people. Be kind to yourself, you're doing great! X Need advice? I want to support you! Send your queries and concerns to sissyatsalient@gmail.com (strict anonymity assumed unless you specify otherwise).

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CW: Rape, Sexual Assault This week, Two Guys One Bet is taking a break from our usual betting goss to tackle a more serious issue. We’re talking about consent in the world of NZ sports. Every time there’s a scandal at the NRL, New Zealand Rugby Board, New Zealand Cricket, or FIFA, they go into PR damage control. But do they actually care about the lives of those affected? We see the countless public apologies that are issued saying sorry for their actions, that it is unacceptable, blah blah blah…. But what are they sorry for? Sorry for their actions, or sorry that they got caught? Sorry for the damage to their image? One glaring example of someone being more “sorry they got caught” is New Zealand Crickets’ Scott Kuggeleijn. In a statement provided during his trial, he said that he felt the alleged victim enjoyed the sex and that he felt it was consensual. But “feeling” that sex is consensual and knowing it are two totally different things. Consent was clearly removed when the victim said no— several times. Just because you met a girl in town, had a good time, and went home together, doesn’t give you the golden ticket to do what you want. It really isn’t that complicated. Scott Kuggeleijn didn’t play to the whistle, and refused to face the consequences. New Zealand Crickets’ decision to bury their heads in the sand on this scandal is ultimately disappointing. Yes, they have a duty to perform on the field, but as public figures, they also have a duty to follow the code of ethics. Scott Kuggeleijn openly admitted to breaching consent (. Just because the courts cleared him) doesn’t give New Zealand Cricket an excuse to pretend he never made those comments.

MAX NICHOL

Since coming to university, I’ve discovered that not everyone received sexual education at their high school. But one thing’s for sure, the sex issue of Salient has always provided an opportunity for students to explore and share the sex narrative.

dependence means each partner acknowledging, respecting and (as far as possible) meeting the other’s need for support without entrapping, and also respecting the partner’s need to not be dependent. So, there will be flexibility, a degree of negotiation and a feeling of freedom without isolation within the relationship”.

One of Salient’s first Sex issues was published in 1986, titled “Focus on Sex in the 80’s”. In his editorial, Richard Adams explained the reasoning for the issue’s creation: “Sex is something so natural and yet […] the way it is treated by parts of society makes drunken driving seem more acceptable as a form of social contact. The Eighties (if such a time exists) is a good time to be wise about such things. And why not – we have opportunities and (more importantly) information available to us in the Eighties that few of our parents had in the Fifties or Sixties”

On the whole, the message of the issue holds up: Sex is something which everyone has different feelings about and a different relationship to. If being sexually active is something you want, there are risks which shouldn’t necessarily put you off but which need to be accounted for and talked about.

He made the bold editorial decision to spend the rest of his piece discussing the deeply lusty, sexually charged subjects of recent NZUSA reforms, the Blackcaps test series victory over England, and the practice times of the Victoria University Cricket Club. The “information” that Adams alludes to comprises much of the issue. Gone were the male gazey, wink-winknudge-nudge references to sex in the Salient of decades past—a striking example was Salient’s “Girl of the Week” on page three in 1963, an openly horny concession to a time when Vic’s student body was 75% men. The 1986 sex issue was mostly about communicating how to have safe and enjoyable sex on your own terms. Practical advice from Student Health dealt with how best to avoid some of the risks associated with being sexually active. This included articles on how to recognise, avoid, and treat STIs, and an explainer on the appropriate forms of contraception given your circumstances. Other articles discussed the emotional side of sex and relationships. Eric Medcalf provided this piece of evergreen advice on the nature of reciprocal support in sexual and romantic relationships: “Mature dependence implies an ability to become dependent when necessary and not to become stuck or trapped in that dependence once the need has passed. In a relationship mature

Salient's featured “Girl of the Week”, 1963.

Call my bluff I don’t even know how you like your coffee but I really want you to blow the cigarette smoke from your mouth to mine. I’m not interested in how you spend your 9-5 but I want to transfer the red paint on my lips to the edges of yours until I’ve baptised you: a glossy crimson clown. Can I lay my head on your shoulder so your smooth edges line up perfectly with mine all the way down our sides sides sides glued together with the intimacy that comes from a meeting of hip, shoulder, chest and the air between two faces. I didn’t say love. I said intimacy. Into me come see. Into you I press my eye ball against your cheek hard enough to make colours there on the canvas of my closed lid and leave a salty wet streak on your cold flesh. My bones suddenly feel warm and liquify and my breathing takes on the rhythm of a child on a trampoline, every normal breath is the first few jumps used to gain momentum and then my breathing stops and the child flies higher than before and stops there for a moment and the moment turns into an almost suspension of time but then gravity fights back. The child drops. And my breath reverses itself. The moment is lost. If we both turned into honey right now I wonder how much honey we would make. Would we fit in the same glass jar - just one melted golden ooze or would half of me and all of you go into one jar and my other half sit half empty in another. Separated by glass and everything I’ve ever wanted to say to you but, for one reason or a hundred, haven’t. - girl in lust

Send your limericks, elegies, and odes to poetry@salient.org.nz

F IL M AT ETE RNI T Y ’S GATE REV IEW: E VA LOC K H AR T

Probably the most underrated and under-watched film of 2018, At Eternity’s Gate stars my spiritual father, the incomparable Willem Dafoe, as Vincent van Gogh in the years leading up to his death. Fed up with the attitudes of elite artists in Paris, Van Gogh moves to the more remote Arles to paint. He cries, he sighs, he runs dramatically through fields of sunflowers in various states of distress. Spending most of his time alone, Vincent is exhausted by the weight of his own artistry and sinks further and further into depression.

Now let’s talk about Willem. His dedication to the role is immediately evident. Dafoe approaches Van Gogh gently, earnestly, and sincerely, while at the same time filling him with energy. It’s easy to pinpoint a good performance if it features big, dramatic outbursts of anger or passion. At Eternity’s Gate shows a Van Gogh that is reserved and exhausted, yet whose wild creative spirit is always visible in Dafoe’s eyes, bubbling just beneath the surface. Therein lies the greatness of this performance.

Called “an impressionistic masterwork” by Indiewire, director Julian Schnabel uses a combination of innovative techniques to invoke the electric and urgent spirit of Van Gogh’s work, making it the perfect tribute. I imagine if Van Gogh could have made a film, he would have made something like At Eternity’s Gate. Watching it, I almost got the feeling that someone described the concept of cinema to Julian Schnabel, he said “I think I get what you mean” and made this. Or perhaps he simply approached the making of At Eternity’s Gate thinking of what film could be, rather than what it already has been.

I have always felt a strong connection to Van Gogh’s work. He was depressed; I was depressed. He saw so much beauty in the world that he couldn’t bear it—in the past I’ve felt that way too. To me, it seemed like Dafoe, Schnabel and the writing team had all taken the time to research mental illness so they genuinely understood the experience of depression. An example of this is a scene that depicts Vincent breaking down in an open field, sobbing hysterically until he ends up laughing. Sometimes when I was depressed, I found myself feeling so unbelievably sad it seemed kind of funny, in a really tragic way. I’ve never seen that portrayed in film before, so to see that was very gratifying.

One of the aspects of this film that I believe to be truly innovative is the cinematography, which feels wild, almost schizophrenic. I can’t name all of the techniques used, but somehow the filmmakers were able to warp and distort the scenery to look like a Van Gogh painting. Trees are shot with Dutch tilts, Swedish tilts, Polish tilts, tilts of so many different nationalities they no longer look like trees. Motion blur is used to make the scenery feel liquid, like a painting that isn’t yet dry. It’s weird and some people will hate it, but what can I say? I’m an edgy girl.

In the age of offensive, bullshit portrayals of mental illness and suicide (I may or may not be talking about a specific Netflix show) it made me so happy to see depression depicted with nuance and care. Schnabel’s script is beautifully written and felt very accurate to my own personal experience. Not so much focussed on plot as it is on creating a mood and experience, At Eternity’s Gate is at times filled with both overwhelming joy and overwhelming melancholy, truly capturing Van Gogh’s view of the world. The use of innovative sound design and cinematography techniques create a gorgeous film that, rather than being just another biopic, is a tribute to Van Gogh and his art.

TELEVISIO N SPARTAC US REVIEW: E M M A M AG U I R E

Bish you thought I’d talk about Sex Education, huh? Well, you’re wrong. Today we’re talking about Spartacus, which is a cheaper, hornier, more fun version of Game of Thrones. Seriously, if you like your fantasy in 40-minute excerpts and with consensual sex, Spartacus: Blood and Sand (and the following seasons) are great alternatives. The absolute joy of Spartacus is how bonkers it is. Set in 73 BCE but shot in New Zealand, this show follows the life of Spartacus, a Thracian warrior, who finds his fortune after being enslaved in Rome. Many, many historical(ish) things happen, there’s a lot of fighting, and the whole thing is a Snyder wet dream. The very first episode opens with this: Our reluctant hero (who is not yet actually called Spartacus) is locked in a cage, enslaved. Though he is at the whim of a brutal master, he hasn’t yet lost his pretty boy appeal, rugged handsomeness, or his eight-pack. Above him is the Colosseum, where several thousand shittily-rendered CGI crowd members are watching two people fight. Within the next four or so minutes, we’re treated to the joys of a massive fight scene where the immortal words, “Where the fuck are the Romans?” are yelled in a Kiwi actor’s approximation of a Roman accent, and off we go. A unique thing about Spartacus is how damn horny it is. But that’s a good thing. (Maybe.) It’s barely half an hour into the first episode when we’re treated to some vaguely-sexy banging, complete with an Enya-esque soundtrack and a true-to-form fade to black, just ready to be put into a Youtube ‘Spartacus Sex Scenes’ compilation. (Of which there are many. I checked.) Things continue from there, with much aplomb.

“Eventually, the thrill of seeing naked bodies during 12-hour production days wears off for the crew… Even the grips, these great big hetero crew men, could not give a fat rat about filming another sex scene,” Lucy Lawless (Lucretia) notes.” writes Richard Rorke.* Spartacus doesn’t shy away from nudity, regardless of the gender of the actors. It’s strange to see, because so many shows fall into the trope of having consistent female nudity, while full male nudity often gets thrown to the wayside or left out to avoid an NC-17 rating. So many works, especially within the fantasy genre, show us boobs upon boobs upon boobs—scenes that often appeal to the heterosexual male eye—but are too scared to portray nudity or sex in ways that could appeal to other demographics. Salmon Caspar* points out that “at the heart of an understanding of male nudity is the question of looking at men and therefore making them the object of a work of art, which is still seen as revolutionary or even deplorable.” Male nudity is so often played as comic relief, as the punchline to throwaway gags; it’s nice when it’s not. It’s not like I really want to see more dicks on television, but hey, Spartacus’ move to do so helps promote positive change for the portrayal of the human form in media. Spartacus is a fun show, and probably not that deep, which promotes further questions: (1) Is Spartacus a good show? That’s debatable. (2) Can I spin a plot-light television show into an article about the patriarchy? Apparently so! *Read more: Rorke, Richard. "‘Spartacus’ stars dish the naked truth." The New York Post, 2010. Salmon, Caspar. “The fuss over Chris Pine’s ‘dazzling’ penis tells us so much about the endearing taboo of on-screen male nudity” The Independent, 2018.

ART INTERS E C TI ONS REV IEW: M AYA NEUPANE

The art world is racist—to no one’s surprise. Ever wonder why the first names that spring to your mind when someone asks you to name three artists are most likely Van Gogh, Picasso, and Cézanne? Yeah. Racism. But not just that—classism and sexism and homophobia also play a huge part in deciding what art is going to be seen and revered and what art isn’t. Today’s piece is on one of my favourite works ever. It’s weird though—I never see it included in any lists of top art pieces of the 21st century or anything like that EVEN THOUGH it was the first piece ever to win two awards at the 2014 ArtPrize—one of the most popular art competitions in the world. Anila Quayyum Agha’s Intersections is simply incredible. I’ve only ever seen photos of it online and I’m awestruck by it already. To be honest, if I saw it in real life, I don’t know what I’d do—but it would probably be deemed unacceptable in public. Agha is a Pakistani–American woman artist who explores topics such as religion, the role of women in society, and the alienation of being an immigrant. These often dark and unaesthetic themes are woven through her gorgeous installation art pieces. Using a single lightbulb, Intersections allows for an exploration of the ever-changing beauty of the religions that Agha has been presented in her lifetime. Agha uses modern technologies such as 3D printing to express the kind of art one might find in sacred Islamic spaces. This juxtaposition of process and design encourages the audience to think about the constantly evolving representation of religion in modern society. Sometimes it’s hard to communicate things in words, and art makes things easier. This off Islamic culture with beauty and appreciation.

There is so much more to the world than the bubbles we live in. Intersections gathers up the audience in its huge, delicately decorated arms. What’s important to me about this sculpture is that it is Islam as shown to us by a Muslim artist. The blind consumption of biased media affects us all in so many ways. I’m not saying you should quit reading the news and only look at art, it’s just that art is often undervalued as a method of communication when there’s so much it can teach us. Voices like Agha are the ones we should be listening to on the topics of religion—not voices like Brian Tamaki that misrepresent and attack other religions. Through Intersections, Anila Quayyum Agha has shown us what happens when modernity, tradition, and religion collide. And it’s beautiful. Think about it: With one lightbulb, this piece has filled the room with so much beauty. For a lot of the viewers, it could be the first time seeing the traditional art style that Agha has used. This beautiful pattern washes over them without leaving a physical mark. I started this article by talking about how prejudiced the culture of art is. I stand by that statement. But this doesn’t mean that art is not a valid way of communication. When explored correctly and with an open mind—art can introduce you to so much, teach you so much, and broaden your world immensely. This week, I challenge you to look at the work of an artist who is completely different to you, and appreciate its beauty. Keep an open mind to others and fill a room with what you know is right and beautiful. Be the singular light bulb that changes the room—stay lit.

BOOK MY Y EA R OF R E ST A N D R E L A X AT I O N REVIEW: B R I GI D FR AS E R

Smart, sardonic, and surprisingly sincere, My Year of Rest and Relaxation decides to send its unnamed protagonist into a chemical snooze for an entire year. It’s New York in the year 2000 and our unnamed narrator is rich, pretty, blonde, young and thin. A recent Columbia grad, she lands a dream job at a hip downtown gallery, purely on the basis she remains fetching and apathetic. Gallery superstar Peng Xi is stuffing coloured pellets into his penis and masturbating onto blank canvases and adding laser beams to the eyes of taxidermied dogs. The narrator can't take it. She sees no purpose in her life. So, she files for unemployment (not that she needs to) and decides to do the only sensible thing: take a year off to sleep full-time. Enter Dr Tuttle. Tuttle enters the picture wearing a neck brace and holding a cat that she calls “my eldest”. She tells the narrator, “People would be so much more at ease if they acted on impulse rather than reason. That’s why drugs are so effective in curing mental illness—because they impair our judgment. Don’t try to think too much.” Her crackpot advice is intertwined with a plethora of prescriptions, one so potent it eventually leads the narrator to black out for three-day periods, only to awaken to strange evidence that she was, in fact, coherent (going so far as to purchase a suit and attend the funeral of her best friend's mother). This period is marred with the narrator's obsessive movie-watching (she loves Whoopi Goldberg), her (often failed) attempts to avoid calling her arsehole ex-boyfriend Trevor, and the odd visit from her “best friend” Reva, whose own status anxiety only fuels the narrator's disdain for living.

As evidenced in last week’s book review, Ottessa Moshfegh has a reputation for creating characters who are, for lack of a better term, problematic. Although not anywhere near the precedent of repulsiveness set by her earlier characters, our narrator isn't exactly charming. It’s hard to feel pity for someone so privileged, yet such an utter bitch to everyone who surrounds her—“‘you’ll be fine,’ I told Reva when she said her mother was starting a third round of chemo.” It is undeniable that My Year of Rest and Relaxation echoes the feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness experienced by young women explored in heavyweight novels such as The Bell Jar. In this sense, there was a real risk that this story could come off as contrived and tired. But, Ottessa Moshfegh takes this in her stride and creates an incredibly unique perspective while brilliantly articulating the conundrums of the early 21st century. Unlike Plath’s ill-fated Esther, My Year of Rest and Relaxation manages to move past the dark place and concludes, rather poignantly, that “pain is not the only touchstone for growth.” My Year of Rest and Relaxation is rich with allegory and moral confrontations. It is hard to pin down the novel’s intention, but I came away with a sense of melancholy and unease. I suppose this novel is a trying testament to modern living. There are moments in which we would all prefer to slip into a never-ending slumber— hoping, like our narrator, to be “reborn, regenerated, all cells gone and replaced with new ones.” Challenging and provocative, My Year of Rest and Relaxation forces us to roll out of bed, rub our eyes, and see the world as something worth waking up for.

F OOD SEX & FOOD REVIE W:SA L LY WA RD

Bread, the body of christ, is a carnal pleasure. Done properly, it’s so delicately delectable it tastes like sex—you may as well be eating from Aphrodite’s palm. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s better than sex, though I could point to some situations where I would have happily traded a two-pump chump for a basket of warm ciabatta with olive oil and dukkah. Proper bread will never let you down. Not once have I bagged a loaf and thought, ugh. I’m trapped in a washing machine of kiss; I thought a 20-something-year-old would know better, I should not have fallen for that cologne, where is the f%*king exit. You see, best to let yourself be enticed by the cologne of baking grains instead. If you need something to get you going, look no further than Starta Bread Kitchen. Located in the shadowy end of Left Bank Arcade, it is leaven heaven. It mysteriously opened last year and is the headquarters of Wellington Sourdough by Catherine Adams. Starta supplies trustworthy establishments, including Moore Wilson’s and Loretta, and is served at the likes of Customs, Nikau Café and Charley Noble. Starta is like Breakfast at Tiffany’s, only the diamonds are almond croissants. You cannot feel sad standing on the elegantly polished concrete floors, gazing at the walls adorned with glass dispensers of the grains used in their products. Walk right up to the glistening cabinet, full of brioches and savouries, and you can see the floury benches of artistic creation. Starta uses Supreme beans for their espresso and filter coffee; I am at ease. Each loaf is given a N°— e.g. N° 03 Seed & Grain or N° 04 Sultana Loaf—so you instantly know that it’s on the same timeless playing field as Chanel N°5. (And yes, I would wear a perfume called Starta N° 01. Bottle that scent, please.)

Having run out of breakfast foods, I walked in early one morning, beckoned by the voice of Leon Bridges. I pointed at the closest option—the N° 08 Mr Potato Man. This is the kind of orgasmic bread I am talking about. Let me strip it down: A sourdough loaf with roasted potatoes throughout, complemented by a generous amount of rosemary and nigella. Can you recall the mouthfeel of a chip butty? Carbs wrapped in carbs; one is crunchy and starchy, and the other a soft, doughy hug. A sexy textural contrast. This loaf is no $2 Molenburg; it’s art. It’s got a crust thick enough to keep the world out, but at first slice you see he’s soft at heart. I have had it toasted and slathered with honey, served with scrambled eggs and on a breadboard to go with my $10 pinot. This loaf can be yours for $6.50. It looks just as good with the lights on, and it will not leave you empty inside wondering why people still think it’s ok to pressure you into taking your clothes off? I’m in love. Recommended: N° 08 Mr Potato Man, $6.50 (available Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) or the Daily Brioche, $4.50. (I have tried the Lemon and Blueberry, and the Plum and Almond). Starta is open six days a week (closed on Wednesdays).

M USIC B EACH H OUSE GI G REVIEW: SH A NNO N H AR R I S O N

Maybe it’s a cliché to describe a gig as magical, or enchanting. But it may be the only way to express the illuminating and somewhat unbelievable experience of Beach House at the 2019 Auckland Arts Festival. Beach House have been touring their newest album, 7, over the last year since its release on May 11, 2018. This album is heavy in production, taking marked steps away from the dream pop lullabies of its predecessors, such as Depression Cherry and Bloom. In saying this, it still places spacey synths and intrinsically endearing lyrics at its forefront. Lead by Alex Scally and Victoria Legrand, albums such as Bloom and Teen Dream appear as an audible forms of American teen romcoms, minus the nauseating plotlines and stereotypical characters. They present a nostalgia for youth; an ode to the excitement of first times, and new experiences. This sentiment is particularly evident in the dreamlike tones of “Wishes” that twinkle throughout the song. “Pay No Mind” from the new album, 7, follows a similar metaphorical journey. Legrand sings “Not dumber just a little bit older”, in relation to the inevitable wisdom that comes with experiencing heartbreak multiple times. The lyrics are borne from self-reflection and examination, with homage paid to past relationships and their intricacies. The superimposition of layered synth and guitar disguise the qualities of their romantic themes. It was a privilege to be able to hear Beach House live; at times it felt like an out-of-body experience. I thought I’d be a little sick of sneezing from bands emerging from plumes of stage smoke by now, but Beach House gets an exception. Because when Victoria Legrand suddenly appeared as a silhouette, it was like the Messiah had appeared. I mean I’m not religious nor spiritual, but if Legrand was standing at the end of the tunnel of light, I’d welcome the afterlife with open arms. She had

a powerful demeanour—not just because I was looking up at her in unadulterated admiration. She commanded our attention and closed us out to fully engage with her music, her fringe masking her eyes like drawing the curtains on the world. Beach House opened with “Levitation” from Depression Cherry (a notable crowd pleaser, from the reaction it garnered). This song levitated above the crowd, entranced by a dreamy spell. The mysteriousness lingered throughout the entire set. I felt like I didn’t know the band at all while simultaneously feeling connected and familiar. Though I couldn’t see Legrand’s face, I saw her soul. I felt as though I could trace her thoughts floating through the air, in the form of the music pouring from the speakers. It was a multi-sensory experience, with bright flashes and coloured gradient backgrounds partially illuminating the band, reminiscent of 80’s arcade games. The vocals had an air of hypnotic authority to them, keeping me enthralled and even a little bit nervous. This song and many of the songs on 7 leaned towards a darker, more ominous sound. The affectation that Beach House projected transcended time and space. It was like I was on holiday, but the Beach House wasn’t a destination, it was a feeling.

FASH ION LO OK I NG FA B W H I L E YO U ’ R E F E E LI N G SA D REVI E W: NI NA W EI R

In honour of this week’s theme, I thought I’d give some guidance on a vital part of the quest to get some action: the first date outfit. But then I realised that that subject has been done to death by every fashion magazine, lifestyle blog, and Christian dating website ever. Besides, regardless of what I say, you’re going to second guess your outfit five minutes before you need to leave and glare at yourself in every reflective surface on the way to the date. So instead I’m going to cover what really matters: the outfit for the situation we’ve all been in, when you’ve hooked up with someone, but now they’ve been ignoring your triple texts, and the coffee date they’ve set up is beginning to feel more ominous than Courtenay Place on a Sunday morning—in other words: what to wear when you get dumped. After three years on the Wellington dating scene (a.k.a dystopian nightmare-scape) I am more than qualified to tell you all the tips and tricks into looking fab while you’re feeling sad. First tip: Don’t go all out. As tempting as it is to hire a silk dress and several Pomeranians to accompany you to the date, don’t give a person who thinks it’s ok to wear the same thing on a date that they’d wear to clean up a wetland, the satisfaction of kicking your designer-clad ass to the kerb. Besides, the last thing you need to do is an Elle Woods and be forced to get in the dumper’s car to drive you home since you can’t walk that far in heels (or the Wellington alternative: riding on the back of some supposedly eco-conscious soft boi’s scooter).

Second tip: Wear some major jewellery. The Notebook, Ben & Jerry’s, and other cliché breakup coping mechanisms are all well and good, but have you tried getting home from being dumped, ripping off your hoops, and chucking them across the room before sliding down the back of a door sobbing? Jewellery is especially great if it was a present from the person dumping you—that way, you can pull a High School Musical 2 and melancholically press the necklace/ring/nipple bar into their palm, running away and giving them one last sorrowful look over your shoulder while your mum waits in her minivan. Third tip: In the era of phones and social media and general shitty behaviour, you never know when a text-dumping could hit. Stay prepared and always wear nice pyjamas. Howling on your rug at 11 p.m. on a Sunday night is so much more fun in a satin two-piece set than in fat pants. Anyone who went through any sort of Lana Del Rey phase in Year 11 knows the unparalleled level of glamour that can only be achieved by a puffy crying face, badly smudged eye makeup, and a vintage slip. Bonus tip: If you’re the one who’s wanting to end a relationship but not 100% sold on the talking bit, take a cue from the Soundcloud DJ I dated in second year: turn up to the date in loose-fitting leather pants. Nothing on God’s green earth will make someone cut all ties with you, change their name and move to Uruguay, like showing up to a date in loose-fitting leather pants.

Additionally, when planning what you’re going to have your heart broken in, stay away from light colours. It’ll take you longer to get the mascara out of your clothes than it will to have a rebound hook-up in Siglo tod get them off your mind.

SEX YSCOPES F OR Y O U AN D YO UR LO V ED O N ES

ARIES

LIBRA

If our high school yearbooks had a “most likely to own an elegant Victorian mansion with a kink dungeon in the basement” feature, we all know damn well you’d be it. You’re always smirking because you’re always thinking about your next opportunity to get tied up.

All Libras are gay. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. If you’ve always been of the hetero persuasion, it’s time to consider expanding your horizons. Start by initiating a threesome, or changing your Tinder search criteria, you’ll never be the same again.

Best sexual act: Bondage and discipline. A song to shag to: “Closer” – Nine Inch Nails.

Best sexual act: Group sex, with at least four people. A song to shag to: “Pussy Is God” – King Princess.

TAURUS

SCORPIO

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Being enigmatic is hot up to a point, but don’t let your obsession with mystery keep you quiet. Moan and sigh, cutie, it makes everything more fun.

When Madonna said “dining out can happen… down below” you felt that. Sex is a multi-sensory affair for you, and it often lasts hours on end. However, that doesn’t always mean you always make them come. There’s such thing as too much build-up.

Best sexual act: Anal. Use a strap-on if required. A song to shag to: “God is a woman” – Ariana Grande.

Best sexual act: Sploshing. A song to shag to: “Afternoon Delight” – Starland Vocal Band.

SAGITTARIUS

GEMINI

Put more effort into foreplay. Don’t neglect clits, tits, and testicles. Your tongue has great potential.

It’s time to add to your toy collection, or buy some more leather. The internet is full of wonders, such as dildos shaped like Jesus on the cross, and butt plugs with tails made from horse hair. You could even get into making arthouse porn.

Best sexual act: Grapefruiting (look it up). Disclaimer: The grapefruiting video suggests blindfolding your partner before getting fruity, I strongly recommend you make sure they’re willing for you to fuck them with a citrus first. A song to shag to: “Don’t Tell ‘Em” – Jeremih.

Best sexual act: Water sports. A song to shag to: “Fuck the Pain Away” – Peaches.

CANCER

CAPRICORN

With a Cancer, the spark will never die. There’s no such thing as monotony with you, nor will there ever be a bad snog. You’re a water sign after all, bodily fluids are your forte.

I bet you’ve googled “Top Ten Hottest Things To Say During Sex”. Fucking, for you, is missionary, under the covers, with the lights off. Did you forget to work a sexual awakening into your life plan?

Best sexual act: Exhibitionism. A song to shag to: “Thinkin Bout You” – Frank Ocean.

Best sexual act: A cup of tea and an early night. A song to shag to: “Business Time” – Flight of the Conchords.

AQUARIUS

LEO

You’re everyone’s favourite kinky bitch. Your ability to switch from dom to sub in a heartbeat never ceases to amaze and thrill your sexual partners. Use your comfort in your sexuality to enlighten others.

Leo: Ever charming, ever elusive, and undeniably the best of the signs in the sack, now is an ideal time to give someone the highest pleasure of all: the pleasure of your attention. Keep the lights on, open your eyes while you’re hitting it.

Best sexual act: Shooting a sex tape. A song to shag to: “Cola” – Lana Del Rey.

Best sexual act: Eating out the Salient horoscope writer. A song to shag to: “Touch My Body” – Mariah Carey.

VIRGO

PISCES

No one does that pleading eyelash-flutter like you do, Virgo. Seduction is your best talent, you could probably make someone come with eye contact alone.

Run a bath, light a candle, and love yourself in every sense of the phrase. Rubbing one out doesn’t have to be a vanilla affair. Blindfold yourself, buy nipple clamps, or film it. Your nudes are heavenly, by the way.

Best sexual act: Masturbation—no one does you like you do you. Do it on your own, or have someone watch. A song to shag to: “Untitled (How Does It Feel)” – D’Angelo.

Best sexual act: Toe sucking. A song to shag to: “Inside My Love” – Minnie Riperton.

HONESTLY, PUZZLE LO V ERS ARE IN T ENS E

CROSSWORD: BROADCASTING STANDARDS

ACROSS 1. Cartoon Network series whose main characters were a raccoon and a blue jay (3,7,4) 10. Place for an adventuring party or a BDSM community (7) 11. Riboflavin or niacin, for two (7) 12. With 24-Across, 1995 film about the hunt for Keyser Söze (3,5,8) 17. Rough (6) 20. Garage Project or Fortune Favours, for example (5,4,6) 21. Sentence structure (6) 24. See 12-Across 30. Beforehand (7) 31. Mardi Gras is always held on it (7) 32. 2014 Mark Ruffalo/Julia Roberts film about the HIV crisis (3,6,5)

GUESS THAT DAD BOD

LAST WEEK’S BOD: CLARKE GAYFORD

DOWN 2. Therefore (5) 3. River plants (5) 4. Marco Polo's birth city (5) 5. Volcanic output (4) 6. Back in fashion after a while (5) 7. Simpson patriarch (5) 8. React out of disgust or embarrassment (5) 9. Make amendmints to, like I shouldv'e done with this cleu (4) 13. Supernatural book character Dresden or Potter (5) 14. Out of shape (5) 15. Open, in a lot (like, a *lot*) of Youtube videos (5) 16. Vegetables that are emblems of Wales (5) 17. Perfectly-cut croutons, maybe (5) 18. 'Rolling in the Deep' singer (5) 19. Used up (5) 21. Like some dreams or children o' mine, in music (5) 22. Like skald poetry and kennings (5) 23. Mate in Mexico (5) 25. Before the point of (5) 26. Section or shard (5) 27. Tree on the flag of Lebanon (5) 28. Utters (4) 29. Prepare for an exam last-minute (4)

LAST WEEK'S SOLUTION

HERE ARE YOUR LINES, YOU HEATHENS!

F*CK YA LIFE UP

EASY PEASY

Puzzle 1 (Very hard, difficulty rating 0.82)

Puzzle 1 (Easy, difficulty rating 0.39)

6 3

2 2

1 1

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Wed Mar 27 04:18:22 2019 GMT. Enjoy!

8 3

3 1

4 7

9 1

7 9

6 8

7 9

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Wed Mar 27 04:18:44 2019 GMT. Enjoy!

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VUWSA 2019 By-Elections

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