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E I L NT A S 1938

E I L N A T S 1938

monday 12th AUGUST 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 15

GIFS FROM THE GODS: Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy Designer: Laura Burns News Editor: Chris McIntyre News Interns: Sophie Boot

E I L N A T S 1938

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney Film Editor: Chloe Davies Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Simon Gennard Music Editor: Elise Munden Theatre Editor: Gabrielle Beran Games Editor: Patrick Lindsay Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor & Uploader: Nick Fargher Distribution Specialist: Jonathan Hobman

contributors: B.B., Seymour Butts, Caitlin Craigie, Denizen of the Deep, Simon Dennis, Matthew Ellison, Catherine Gaffaney, Penny Gault, Amy Griffin-Browne, Freddie Hayek, Hector and Janet, Dylan Jauslin, Grace Kahukore-Fitzgibbon, Russ Kale, Eve Kennedy, Lux Lisbon, Rory McCourt, Hugo McKinnon, Carla Marks, Ollie Neas, Ngai Tauira, Pasifika Students' Council, Keegan Platten, Carlo Salizzo Contributor of the Week: Catherine Gaffaney

advertising: Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email:

contact: Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: Website: Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook:

It’s not hard to understand why the Deep Web is pigeon-holed as a den of vice and iniquity and—let’s not beat around the bush—evil. Trollin' In The Deep - Page 26

about us: Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, the GCSB, trolls, LinkedIn, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them. This issue is dedicated to:

cat memes: sometimes the only thing that gets you through the day




Weekly Content: VUWSA






Campus Digest


Features: requiem for a


stream trollin' in the

molly "lil bub" mccarthy & stella "grumpy cat" blake-kelly


deep faces to deface


for their eyes



A lot can be—and has been—said about the internet. But like all things that we see and hear too much of, thinking about the internet too much can get a bit overwhelming and rather boring—just like all new toys, eventually the novelty wears off. It’s pretty fucking obvious: the internet is changing the world around us. Most of us grew up in a world where the internet was already an integral part of people’s lives; the “scccrrchhhbeeep-beeeep-scccrrrch” of dial-up but a distant childhood memory, along with your parents begging you to get off Neopets so they can use the phone. Now here we are, all grown up and at university, and it’s no surprise to see that the internet has grown up with us: now available 24/7 on a smart phone that’s glued to your hand and costs less than you paid for your very first Nokia 2280. Having matured in step with the world wide web, these changes aren’t as drastic for us as they are our parents—for most of us, the internet hasn’t changed the way we live our lives, but rather has determined it. As the first generation to live our lives online, then, we bear the greatest risks of the information we share coming back to bite us. With a lifetime of dick-pics and drunken statuses stored indelibly online, a photo of John Key planking, or Bill Clinton’s infamous “did not inhale” will seem by comparison mere misdemeanours by the time our peers get in the public eye. And, yet, still we do it. Call it a sense of inevitability, apathy, or just youthful indiscretion: most of us are pretty loose with our personal information. Sure, we probably shouldn’t air every last detail of our lives for all the world to see, but we’d rather fuel our narcissistic tendencies and get validation for that ‘fun’ night out; gloat about a sexual experience, or bring the lols, than worry about the potential repercussions of those pixels. At least they’re filtered now. You don’t need to be told: we’re spending too much time online. You’ve probably noticed that it’s a lot harder to focus now than it was when you got your first Bebo account; you’ll be surprised if you leave Uni without a pair of prescription reading glasses and extra frown-lines from the worry of deciphering your crushes use of Facebook’s new ‘rabbit in a martini glass’ emoticon. Yes, it’s probably a bit risky, but fuck worrying about all that now. Right now we’re more concerned

with how we’re going to make it through the next few weeks of winter—not to mention, when the fuck we’re going to graduate. Everything seems a little bleak right now, and if looking at mood-enhancing lolcats in the meantime means we end up distracted and blind, then so be it. They say that with age, comes wisdom. Unfortunately in our rapidly passing early twenties, so too does a massive student debt. But we’ve been around this campus long enough to know that this Week Five, Trimester Two doldrums is an annual occurrence and not necessarily all the fault of the fifth year of a National-led Government (see: polls). Everyone feels kind of shit at the moment—student counselling is booked up until October; a tsunami of assignments is just about to hit; everything that was fun about your flat is now covered in mould; and you just get drunk on weekends because there’s nothing else to do—it’s too cold to go out sober, and you just want to switch off. Legally.

mind your p's and 30 qwerty old dogs, new


clicks pulling an



Columns: 5 minutes with


funk estate weekly rant


mad science


bent Things That Go


Bump in the Night Fixing Your Life


(Because Ours Are

By Monday morning your room is filled with empty McDonald’s bags and a faint scent of alcohol, and it’s time to go back to lectures again. The convenience of being able to access your slides on Blackboard justifies staying in bed a little longer. When you do eventually make it outside, the sky is still grey. You signed up to four new tutorials, and none of them delivered a potential pash. Winter pounds are packing on. The Hub has lost the appeal it had at the start of the year, now filled with crumpled By-Election propaganda, empty coffee cups, and lazy cunts’ rubbish. Pipitea is still alarmingly creaky post-earthquake. Getting caught in a bleak cycle is all too easy, but not always so simple to get out of. We don’t have the answers, but we can assure you that your current slump will eventually come to an end; it always does. In the meantime, you can always plug into the most accessible escape young people will ever have: our childhood friend and longtime companion, the internet. Spend long enough lurking its murky depths and eventually you’ll think that morphing your face with internet cats is a good idea for an editorial photo.

molly & stella

written Off) LIFESTYLEs of


the poor and studious

Arts: music






visual arts






what's on

Etc: Puzzles








Gig Guide




your students' association paths to spend that extra hour studying on campus, or to join that club that runs just after the last bus. I hope that time is 2013.


A woman’s place is at the University: VUWSA has a proud history of advocating for the radical notion that women are people. From the days of Rosemary Barrington fighting for the first crèche in the 1960s, to the debate about quotas in politics happening this Monday at 5.30, feminism has a home at Vic through VUWSA. At the recent Women in Politics discussion hosted by the VUWSA Women’s Group, the President of the UN Women National Committee, Rae Julian, remarked how a room full to the brim like the one she spoke to would have been unheard-of ten years ago. To me, that says progress. That says that feminism as a movement is on the way back at this campus. That we concern ourselves with questioning the barriers and particular challenges that women continue to face in politics, and opportunities generally, shows that we are fulfilling our duty to be the critic and conscience of society. At a local level, it’s the job of student representatives to look at the barriers and particular challenges women face in coming to Vic, engaging in a fantastic student experience and attaining success in their studies. One such issue that disproportionately affects women is the poorly lit paths around the Mount St hill and cemetery, and the Boyd-Wilson– Terrace area. Not only are these pathways unsafe through lack of lighting, the Mount St paths are also unsealed and can become muddy and even less safe in winter. Every year, VUWSA hears complaints from students, and runs our Campus Safety Audit that confirms for us just how unsafe these paths are. Some students are even assaulted using these routes. Every year we complain to the University and the Wellington City Council, who share different responsibilities in the areas. Every year the paths remain unsafe. It’s not good enough, and this year VUWSA is vigorously pursuing a result from VUW and the WCC. Last week I met with one of the latter’s officers to show him the accessways in question. I also met with Mayor Celia Wade-Brown, who said we could expect results before the elections in October. While I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, I do look forward to the time where women from Vic feel safe enough on our


Many people think about universities—with our higher than average rate of female enrolment and completion—as places without discrimination against women. Myths like this make it hard to tackle the issues that do exist, and some of them are significant. Take, for example, the fact that about 64 per cent of tertiary staff on casual contracts are women, well above the number of women working in the industry. Or that women make up only about a quarter of all senior-level staff at universities (such as Associate Deans and above). Are students much better in our representation of women? Well, yes. Usually. Across VUWSA’s massive Class Rep system, there is a fairly even split among males and females. However, our Faculty Delegates are one group where women seem to be lacking at the table. The VUWSA Executive is another body that fails to live up to a basic minimum of 50-per-cent women. Shamefully, only three of our ten-student Exec were women this year. Where do these differences between women in the classroom as reps, and at the boardroom as reps, come from? We know that women do equally as well, if not better than men, in student elections. The problem actually lies in having women putting themselves forward for roles in the first place. Applying some of the research that’s out there to our context; it’s clear that adversarial elections, subconscious differentialism and a lack of good networks around prospective representatives combine to produce a system with high barriers on entry for female students. VUWSA has to take on its duty to right this wrong. Sonya and I will be developing a Student Representative Equity Strategy that will ensure a good spread of representatives in classes, Faculty Boards, Academic Committee and Academic Board who are from Māori, Pasifika, students with disabilities, international and postgraduate communities. At least 50 per cent of these reps will be women. This is the first time that we’ve truly taken on this issue, and it might not have been possible before the strengthening of our Class Rep system in recent years. I’ll also be looking at what constitutional changes need to be made to ensure there is a woman running for every position in the VUWSA General Elections. Before those changes come, there are some very simple things you can do to help lift women’s representation: if you’re a woman, apply to be a Faculty Delegate or run in the VUWSA elections; or, if you’re not a woman, encourage your female friends and whānau to give it a go. Nominations for the Vice-President (Welfare), Education Officer and Publications Committee positions are open until 12 August. I hope you have a wonderful Women’s Week. Grace and her team have put a lot of work into it, along with Matt, our Equity Officer. Take some time this week to have a think about the things I’ve raised here, and to attend the range of events on offer. Take some time to be radical. R




President of VUWSA Women’s Group By Grace Kahukore-Fitzgibbon

Hello, beautiful people. This week is VUWSA Women’s Week, and what a week we have in store for you! An annual event by VUWSA, Women’s Week is about drawing attention to women’s issues and celebrating the achievements of women not only on campus but in the wider community. This year, we have chosen events that address the feminist issues most topical today, surrounding the theme, “Who needs Feminism?” MONDAY We kick off the week with our Wellness Seminar. In conjunction with the Recreation Centre, this seminar discusses factors of ‘wellness’, and how these factors affect life at University. To have you feeling particularly well, we also have free giveaways! Later, our annual debate: in light of recent debated changes to the Labour Party, much controversy has surrounded whether there is a need for gender quotas in today’s society. Come along to hear two sides of the very topical feminist debate, “Gender Quotas— harmful or helpful?” in conjunction with the Victoria Debating Society. TUESDAY We discuss the realities of sex work in Wellington at our Sex work Panel discussion. Speakers, including some from the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective, will highlight its advantages and disadvantages, how to stay safe doing the work, and answer questions from the audience.

Kia ora rā koutou mā, Ina rā te pai o tō tātau ake wiki o te reo i tū i tērā wiki. Te pai hoki o ngā kauhau o Ben Ngaia rāua ko Dr Ocean Mercier. Kua kīkī katoa ā mātou kete i ō kōrua nā kōrero. Te mutunga kē mai o te pai o te pō patapātai i tū i te Wēnerei. Hei kīnaki mō te wiki, ka tū he rā hākinakina hoki. Hātakēhi katoa mō ngā kaimātaki. E tika ana kia tuku ngā mihi ki a rātou i kaha tautoko mai i a mātou o Ngāi Tauira kia taea ai tēnei wiki te whakatū, ā, kia taea hoki ai tō tātou reo rangatira te whakanui. Ko te whānau o Te Tumu Herenga Waka tērā, rātou ko Te Pūtahi Atawhai, ko Māria Maniapoto rāua ko Te Pātaka Kōrero, ko koutou ngā tauira me ngā pūkenga anō hoki. Ka kore ngā mihi mō koutou e ngū. Ko te tūmanako kua hika i te ahi o te reo ō roto i te whatumanawa hei akiaki i a tātou kia whakanui i te reo i te ao i te pō. Nei rā hoki te mihi ki a koutou ngā kaituhi o Te Ao Mārama. Kāre he kupu e whakaatu ana i te koa o taku ngākau mō ō koutou nā kaha ki te ū ki te kaupapa o te pānui rā. He mutunga kore aku mihi. Nāku iti noa, Stacey.

WEDNESDAY Hump Day brings a relaxing chance for women from all around the world to come together, eat good food, and share experiences of being a woman in the country you originate from at our Women Around the World Potluck. Bring a small contribution of your favourite food from your own country, or your favourite Kiwi dish! THURSDAY

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL Warm Pacific greetings! A friendly reminder about our sessions that are happening this week:

In the words of Flavia Dzodan: "MY FEMINISM WILL BE INTERSECTIONAL OR IT WILL BE BULLSHIT!" Feminism should be for more than cis straight white women, and should include minorities. Our Intersectionality Discussion on Thursday aims to give those minorities a voice. That evening, at our Māori and Pasifika Discussion Panel, speakers will share the challenges Māori and Pasifika women face when trying to establish ‘success’ in their careers. Speakers include former Black Fern, Silver Fern and current Member of Parliament, Louisa Wall! Come along for free nibbles and a chance to mingle with panellists.

LOTO AHO STUDY SESSION When: Wednesdays, 4–6 pm at KK001, Kirk Building, Level 0


FHSS DROP-IN COURSE ADVICE Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos

Because we feminists do know how to have fun, we end the week with our “Love Your Body” campaign around Kelburn Campus. We later join the Wellington Young Feminists’ Collective for some drinks, nibbles and most importantly, a chance to wind down and socialise. Can I come to Women’s Week? The Wellness Seminar and Women Around the World Potluck are open to all self-identifying women. The rest of the events are open to all, regardless of gender orientation. Most events will also have free drinks and nibbles, so come along and get involved! More info <<<

HULA WITH TE KURA Wednesdays, 7.30 am at Dance Room, VUW Rec Centre TIVAEVAE-MAKING SESSION Wednesdays, 5 pm at Pasifika Haos

TE PUTAHI ATAWHAI DROP-IN SESSIONS with Pasifika Support Co-ordinators: Jenny Taotua and Sera Tokakece Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos CRITICAL-THINKING WORKSHOP with Pasifika Support Learning Adviser: Ema Sanga Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12 pm at Pasifika Haos "Oceania is travelling and discovering new oceans. Amidst new seas are the experiences, friendships and lessons that encompass and mould us into our own uniqueness." —Sera Tokakece 5


NEWs 

Would you like to write for the only magazine in New Zealand certified to export milk products to Russia and China? Send tips, goss, news, and concentrated whey product to

waikato uses pull out method least relevant student union threatens to leave least relevant lobby group Chris McIntyre & Stella Blake-Kelly

The Waikato Students’ Union (WSU) has announced it has temporarily withdrawn from the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) and is withholding the remainder of its 2013 membership fees, a move which has been labelled a “stunt” by other students’-association Presidents.

were looking for core support in functioning, whereas larger ones were wanting a national voice.

Citing value for money, WSU President Aaron Letcher said the Union had significant concerns over what they were receiving from NZUSA in exchange for its membership levy.

At the latest Executive meeting, members expressed that they thought Hodkinson was wasting his time on his current nationwide ‘Big Questions’ tour. The tour, which is the second of its kind this year, looks at decisions the Government could make to ensure New Zealand will be able to “afford our future” in the long term. When the topic came up at the meeting, it was met with an audible sigh.

"When you're talking about large sums of money, like $20,000 a year, you need to be able to see $20,000 worth of value," said Letcher, who met with NZUSA last week to discuss withdrawal from the national students’ association. Salient understands that WSU is contractually bound to pay its second $10,000 membership instalment for the year, and may face court action in the event they fail to do so. Membership levies are calculated according to student numbers, with VUWSA’s annual fee a much more substantial $45,000. VUWSA President Rory McCourt said WSU’s concerns were “completely” shared by VUWSA, although no discussions around withdrawing were currently taking place. Under the current NZUSA constitution, members have to give a year’s notice before departing. “If you look at [WSU’s] particular concerns, they’re valid,” said McCourt, adding that the national body was being pulled in two different directions. He claimed that smaller associations 6

McCourt said the current NZUSA President, Pete Hodkinson, had “struggled to straddle that divide”, didn’t share VUWSA’s vision, and that his recent activities “were not helpful for students”.

Members were concerned the Big Questions tour was not relevant to students’ interests, with Equity Officer Matthew Ellison calling it the “least relevant” thing NZUSA could be doing. “The mind baffles,” added Vice-President (Academic) Sonya Clark. WSU is currently in discussions with NZUSA as to the future of its membership. After talking to Hodkinson last Wednesday, Letcher told Salient the talk was “inconclusive”. “There were a lot of questions asked, but not a lot of answers given, so I think we’re just going to need to work through that,” said Letcher. “I couldn’t say at this stage [whether WSU will start the withdrawal process]. It’s a board decision.” Hodkinson agreed the meeting was inconclusive, but disagreed it was a political stunt. He will be spending

a week in Hamilton sometime within the next two months to look at how value can be provided to WSU and to address concerns in person. Otago University Students’ Association President Francisco Hernandez told Salient that while there were some concerns around the direction of NZUSA, they provided a strong and important national voice for students. “You don’t reform an organisation by pulling out of it,” Hernandez said. He dismissed suggestions the OUSA Executive were thinking of pulling out of NZUSA, saying they ”haven’t had that discussion yet”. However, sources close to OUSA have told Salient the Exec is not unified in its support for NZUSA. "Even though Fran has always been largely proNZUSA, other senior Executive members don't really see value in the organisation any more. But the issue hasn't been formally brought up yet, and probably won't this year," said the source. It is not yet clear whether VUWSA will decide to continue its membership with NZUSA, as McCourt said they “haven’t made any decisions about it” but that a “meaningful conversation” needed to be had between the Executive. Should they decide to change the relationship with the organisation, then students would have to be consulted. NZUSA’s staffing consists of an Executive Director, a President and a part-time Communications Coordinator; it also has 659 ‘likes’ on Facebook.



VUWSA DO THE IMPOSSIBLE Fewer students attend Student Forum Working Party than Pyjama Party Sophie Boot

The road to recovery from the Student Forum shambles has started off well, with surprisingly high participation from students in the first round of consultation on how student representation at Victoria should be restructured. An online survey sent to students about Forum and representative positions within the University attracted over 1500 responses. Unsurprisingly, the non-online consultation has not been so successful, with a working group held last Wednesday attracting few students, despite the promise of free pizza.

Fewer than 20 people attended the Student Representation and Consultative Review: Working Group, and of those, fewer than ten were unaffiliated with the various groups— VUWSA, the Postgraduate Students’ Association (PGSA), Ngāi Tauira and Can Do—part of the student working party running the review. David Crabbe, the Dean of Education and former Associate Vice-Chancellor (Academic), was the only member of University management present at the working group. He said he was concerned about communication of information between the University and students over what

had been “a long and complicated path” since Voluntary Student Membership (VSM). "Clearly, we muddied the distinction between representation and consultation ... the issue is representation," adding that the representation element was more difficult than the consultation element. Following consultation, the Working Party will take the results into account, with a referendum expected to take place later this year aiming to achieve a mandate on how students want to be represented.

DEMOCRACY INACTION By-election finishes with a hiss and a Rory; McCourt to attend two meetings. Catherine Gaffaney & Stella Blake-Kelly

The empty student seat on Victoria’s University Council has finally been filled, with VUWSA President Rory McCourt taking out last week’s by-election. 36 per cent of students gave McCourt their first vote, just four-per-cent more than voted for secondplaced candidate Michael Gilchrist. The election was run as a Single Transferable Vote, meaning electors ranked candidates from one to four, with one being their most preferred candidate. The seat contested at the by-election has remained empty this year following the collapse of the Student Forum, when VUWSA along with several other student groups decided to withdraw. The Forum, whose Chair was meant to fill said Council seat, was implemented by the University as a result of Voluntary Student Membership at the start of 2012. Depending on which University staff member was talking or which document you were reading, the body either replaced VUWSA as the representative body of students or was there to act as a consultative group. “I'm going to bring to Council an independent, representative student voice that's connected with what students go through everyday,” McCourt told Salient. <<<

“Undoubtedly, my role at VUWSA will make sure I'm accountable and faithful to students. I'm excited to get on with the job.”


McCourt will join David Alsop, the second student representative on Council who was elected at-large last year. “I'd like to congratulate Rory on his election victory, and I look forward to him joining me on the University Council,” Alsop said.



“With the fees meeting next month, and the upcoming appointment of a new Vice-Chancellor, we are moving into a critical stage of the year and I'm pleased that students are finally fully represented at Council.”


Both Alsop and McCourt’s terms will finish at the end of this year. It is not yet clear how the second student-representative position—that this by-election filled—will be appointed for 2014, as it is dependent on the outcome of the current student-representation review. Earlier this year, VUWSA obtained a legal opinion from public-law firm Chen Palmer. It challenged the University’s interpretation of the VSM legislation which claimed the Students’ Association President would no longer be automatically entitled to the second student seat. The University is yet to respond to this differing opinion, but Salient will have further details as they come to light.


1st 2nd 3rd 4th

TURNOUT: 9.78% 1750 VOTES



NEWTOWN, OLD bomb Flat bomb scare provides Salient’s only explosive exposé of the year Catherine Gaffaney

A Newtown flat came dangerously close to an unexpected flat-warming last week, with an unexploded bomb found on two students’ property.

The Defence Force Bomb Disposal Unit took the bomb to McAllister Park where it was put in a hole, covered with sandbags, and detonated.

Aiden Milner and James Winstanley, both from Victoria, knowingly spent the past four months living with a bomb at their flat. The students told media they did not feel threatened by the bomb, because it had a hole in the top of it. It was not until builders arrived to do excavations at their property two weeks ago that the students became aware of the danger.

Military bomb experts described the bomb as a six-pound (2.7 kg) “breech loading shell”, thought to date back to the 1800s. It was treated as though it was explosive and full of gunpowder, which does not deteriorate easily over time.

“We did not think it was dangerous [until] the builders arrived. They were out of there in a hurry and we thought we better report it,” Milner said.

Unalarmed by the bomb was a tabby cat, who played with the shell prior to the Unit's arrival on the scene





Clubs loose with money, forwards Rugby meeting the try-line, but not the bottom line Simon Dennis

A Victoria student has found grassroots rugby is becoming an endangered species in Wellington, but that with some amendments it can be saved. Accounting student Andrew Milne has found that approximately half of Wellington’s rugbyunion clubs are losing money each year. Milne examined the players’ subscription fees of 18 Wellington rugby clubs over the five-year period between 2008 and 2012. The average cost of each player for a club is $982; however, on average, players pay only $120 a season each, making clubs financially untenable. “The losses being experienced by the rugby clubs in Wellington are unsustainable over time,” Milne found. “Research also suggests the need to find funding <<<

from a diverse range of sources.” Only around seven per cent of a club’s expenditure came from subscription fees, while more than 50 per cent came from external sources such as gaming trusts and bar trading. However, changing attitudes towards alcohol and gambling are set to see that number drop, Milne points out. “Clubs need to be exploring other options … my hope is that clubs will use [my findings] to manage their expenditure and future costs.” Clubs that Milne interviewed were wary of raising subscription fees because it could cause an exodus to other clubs or codes. The clubs also stated that about 80 per cent of expenditure was necessary: ground

maintenance, competition fees and cleaning. Milne added that there was scope for savings with reduced expenditure on team gear, like blazers and tracksuits. Milne’s work was undertaken as part of the Victoria University Summer Scholarship programme, and received funding from Sport New Zealand. Victoria University boasts its own rugby-union club, Old Boys University, as well as three rugby-league teams, 13 cricket teams and 15 football teams. Membership at Old Boys University costs around $100. The club has produced 29 All Blacks, the most recent being midfield legend Conrad Smith.



this week's


iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University that has hundreds of stocks on economic, political and social outcomes. The following predictions are supplied by iPredict and may have changed since Salient went to print. To try your luck go to

All Blacks to win the Rugby Championship 2013


Labour to win 2017 General Election



A SPRITELY CRIME One boy’s life of crime got off to a pretty sweet start last week in Pennsylvania. A 12-year-old boy robbed a lemonade stand being run by a ten-year-old boy, using a BB gun to threaten the younger child. The boys got into a wrestling match, before the older boy took $30 and ran. He was later caught by police, after three children led them to the boy’s home. Salient predicts the victim will be okay, because when life gives you lemons...

XXXXXX Security experts are warning consumers that hackers could be targeting their bowel motions next, as flaws arise with high-tech toilets controlled by smartphones. "Attackers could cause the unit to unexpectedly


Georgie Pie to be relaunched in NZ by Christmas


John Banks to lead ACT into next election


John Key to lead National into next election


open/close the lid, activate bidet or air-dry functions, causing discomfort or distress to [the] user," said Japanese company Lixis, the producer of the toilet. The Satis toilet retails for up to NZ$7000 and includes automatic flushing, bidet spray, music, and fragrance release. The GCSB is not said to be looking into the issue, claiming they have enough shit to worry about as it is.

RUFF SEAS Man’s best friend has won out over man’s wife, as a man saved his dog from his sinking yacht before going back for his wife. When stricken on a reef near South Africa, Graham Anley made sure Rosie, a nine-year-old Jack Russell terrier, was fitted in her specially tailored dog lifejacket and taken to safety. According to Anley, his wife’s "safety line had snagged on the steering gear," so he saved the dog first given his wife wasn’t going anywhere. Except, possibly, underwater?

stay classy, world The US shut 19 of its embassies in the Middle East and North Africa for a number of days last week, after being tipped off to an imminent al-Qaeda attack. Though the leader of al-Qaeda was killed over two years ago, the US has bin Laden down with security concerns ever since. Baseball’s highest paid player Alex Rodriguez has been caught out for doping and now says he is “fighting for his life”. 12 other players were also banned, showing that baseballs aren’t the only thing baseball players are taking hits of. Scientists have managed to create an artificial burger using beef stem cells. This is thought to be the first time scientists have grown their own meat since the latest Stephen Hawking book was released in hardcover. Two weeks on from the theft of NZ$175 million– worth of jewellery in Cannes, the culprits have still not been caught. The world’s most hopeful insurance company, Lloyd’s, has offered a reward of $1.7 million for the jewel’s return. After two straight days of blue skies, a local woman hailed the end of “a very mild winter”, contradicting her earlier assertion—made in June—that it was “fucking cold”.

headlines that weren't Oh dairy me: milk contamination creates Fonterror Royal baby still unemployed L&P chocolate “buzzy as”, reports guy in contrastpocket tee Research finds Bluetooth headset more effective contraceptive than condoms Uruguay first country in short-term memory to legalise marijuana




If this was a standard year for VUWSA, the Executive will have done pretty well. They started the year with pretty ambitious goals, and seem to have most of them in the works. They’ve got students engaged and put a lot of work into a-political campaigns (a first), which has seen McCourt capture the most (positive) media attention a VUWSA President has in recent history. Fairer Fares looked like it was really going to go the distance, though now that progress seems to have stalled the objectives have been orientated towards getting students engaged in the political processes—particularly at Local Government level, which is possibly the only election which has fewer students involved than VUWSA’s own ones. However this was not a standard year for VUWSA, as they’ve faced extra challenges that have arisen following 2012’s implementation of Voluntary Student Membership. In recent years the challenges were ‘professionalisation’, and quite simply learning how to be a functioning organisation that didn’t allow stupid student politicians to commit fraud, and has ‘processes’ for things. But now that that phase has been partially-clocked, the Executive must think long and hard about the capacities and potential for growing—or shrinking—the organisation, as it struggles in the second year of VSM. Though, it is important to note that the Exec are students, and most of the challenges are probably well outside of their depth. Visionary, strategic direction is not what any of them really signed up for— they wanted to do a job, and that they have mostly done pretty well. <<<

They’re suffering the consequences of previous Executives not securing VUWSA a well-funded rich future, the stresses of which have started to take their toll on the once bright-eyed and bushy-tailed optimists whose spirits have been crushed by financial and bureaucratic realities. The nature of the relationship between VUWSA and the University has become one like universities themselves have with central government, where they are dependent on the latter for funding, while also playing a role in criticising and holding them to account. A hard relationship to balance. After VSM meant VUWSA could no longer demand a compulsory levy from students, what you would have paid was absorbed in the Student Services Levy (SSL)—another compulsory fee, though administered by the University not a students’ association. Dependent on the money from that Levy, VUWSA will have to convince the University that they should receive funding to carry out their activities. Otago’s students’ association is swimming in money, though it’s nigh impossible to find anything bad they have said about their university. Auckland’s students’ association, who has been voluntary since 1999, regularly storm their University Council chambers—however their University chronically underfunds them and has established an organisation that has replaced all of their service provision. Only time will tell which way VUWSA is heading, but the current pessimism and paranoia lurking in the Ivory Towers doesn’t indicate a sustainable direction, wherever it may lead.



Rory McCourt (President) Surplus: 284.5 McCourt made a stand early on in the year against the Student Forum, which last year’s Executive—of which he was a member—thought they could kill from the inside, by withdrawing and convincing Ngai Tauira and Pasifika Students’ Council to withdraw too. This move [ITALICS: really] pissed off a number of the head-honchos at the University, and the relationship has been a little sour ever since.

4.25 / 5

The move was a gamble, but if the representation review works out well for VUWSA and the student voice at Victoria then it will certainly have paid off. If not, then it was a poorly executed strategy, but at least they can say they went down swinging.

McCourt has opened up the Oval Office, sharing a lot more information with his fellow Exec members than previous Presidents. However this dissemination of power often seems like a further example of why Occupy failed. Executive meetings haven’t been great, as Chair he often fails to steer discussion, which results in long meetings that people have to leave due to other commitments. Though this could also be in part due to his levels of organisation, which aren’t the best, and his difficulties with commitment, which have seen a lot of projects started but not many successfully completed. Doesn’t seem to have attacked the staffing concerns at VUWSA (yet), nor done much to help VUWSA adapt to a post-VSM environment but this isn’t entirely the President’s fault, or even a solely 2013 problem.

Outside of the Forum, McCourt has done all he can to lift the President’s role out of obscurity this year, jumping at every opportunity that arises to appear in the media. This aptitude for writing press releases and shaking hands with politicians was a God-send for the Fairer Fares campaign, which won significant media attention.

4.75 / 5

4.5 / 5

Sonya Clark (Vice-President Academic) Surplus: 189.25 Rory McCourt either went on holiday at just the right time, or Sonya Clark stood in as President at just the right time. Either way, her bubbly personality and natural diplomacy did wonders for VUWSA’s relationships with the University and frien-emy the PGSA. She pours a lot of time, effort and mental well-being into the role. Incredibly dedicated at the expense of herself, she’s carried on 2012 President Bridie Hood’s commitment to lobbying for academic issues, which makes VUWSA the only Students’ Association which seems to be prioritising academic quality. Clark was appointed by NZUSA as the student representative on the national Committee on University Academic Programmes (CUAP) and geekily relishes hobnobbing with the academic management elite. She recently lamented that she contacted every single students’ association president nationwide about their thoughts on academic programmes, but did not receive a single response. With Vic obviously prioritising academic quality, as opposed to a FUN time, Clark’s passion for all things academic stand her in good stead to re-build the partnership with the University, which has been on shaky foundations following the demise of the Forum. When she seeks to take McCourt’s place for 2014, this relationship will be amongst her key strengths.


Rick Zwaan (acting Vice-President Welfare), (formerly Wellbeing & Sustainability Officer) Surplus: 293.45 Beginning the year in charge of what could fairly be considered a reasonably minor portfolio—Wellbeing and Sustainability—Zwaan soon made it clear that when it came to VUWSA, he meant business. Although McCourt stepped in as the official face of the Fairer Fares campaign, a lot of its success comes down to Zwaan’s tireless commitment to the cause, which ranged from design of campaign materials, to meeting with reluctant Wellington City Councillors. Attracting a large crowd to the Forum, and getting significant mainstream media coverage, the campaign was one of the most successful that VUWSA has executed. Since the mid-year break, Zwaan has continued to exercise his work ethic in the Vice-President (Welfare) role, left vacant following Simon Tapp’s resignation, and has been involved in a number of other representation roles too. As the only Officer to log a surplus of hours—and a massive one at that—Zwaan’s definitely staking his claim for a Presidential campaign for 2014; becoming increasingly outspoken at Exec meetings is testament to that.

3.5 / 5

Mica Moore (Vice-President Engagement) Deficit: -74.1 Moore is the first person to fill the Vice-President (Engagement) role, which was created following last year’s Governance Review. VUWSA certainly seems a lot more engaged with students this year, though that seems to be more down to the general priorities of the Executive rather than that of anyone in particular. The role exists within a difficult structure, as the responsibility for communication with students (essential to engagement) falls outside of the role and clashes with VUWSA’s own staffing, and Moore has suffered from having to do a job which should really be executed by professional events coordinator, and better resourced. Moore has gone to lengths to diversify the ways in which VUWSA engages with students, organising events such as the Autumn Market, After School Specials, House Party, and speaker events. Despite lacking the muchneeded nous that a professional events manager would bring to the Association, Moore has a good feel for what will and won’t work in terms of student engagement, which has made for a much more self-aware VUWSA. Moore was away for the first part of the year on unpaid leave, so her actual deficit count is technically closer to the surplus side of the scale.



3.5 / 5

2.5 / 5


Jordan McCluskey (TreasurerSecretary)

Harry Chapman (Campaigns Officer)

Ramon Quitales (Clubs & Activities Officer)

Deficit: -10

Deficit: -48.55

Deficit: -15.08

VUWSA’s current financial status sees McCluskey operating as Treasurer in an environment where there’s not much to treasure: hardly any revenue streams and a lot of people who want to spend a lot of money. McCluskey has a keen eye on the future of VUWSA’s finances, especially regarding NZUSA and Student Job Search. Responsible for ensuring work hours and money is running as it should, though it would seem he was handed a poisoned chalice. Last year’s changes to reporting processes shifted Exec work reporting out of the public eye and into some bureaucratic channels which obviously aren’t working if half the Exec are running deficits.

Maintaining a generally cheery disposition even when VUWSA hits bleak peak, Chapman’s key strength is his work around the edges—he does a lot of helping out at events and things like sausage sizzles.

Despite control of clubs being wrangled from VUWSA’s grasp by the University last year, VUWSA decided to retain the Clubs Officer position for 2013. Although Quitales has provided assistance to a number of clubs and University boards relating to clubs, he has found it difficult to find enough things to do within the portfolio.

The Audit and Finance Committee, of which McCluskey is a member, has only “met” once this year, and that was over the phone. It is absolutely baffling how they are two-thirds of the way through the year without a proper meeting, especially given how much of VUWSA’s future is dependant on ensuring they and their contracts are being run cost-effectively. What is even more baffling, however, is that after a couple of months ago discovering they were on track for a $300,000 deficit, the Exec are yet to finalise a budget for 2013. Contracts with the University caused some delay, sure, as did McCourt’s trip to the States. But though they only have four months to change their spending, or say goodbye to a third of VUWSA’s reserves, a sense of urgency hasn't arisen amongst those ultimately responsible for VUWSA’s financial direction.

At the start of the year Chapman often seemed oblivious as to what was going on, but has since upped his game and often has insightful contributions at Exec meetings, particularly towards the second half of Trimester One. During the Fairer Fares campaign, Chapman’s role was overshadowed by the huge work output by Zwaan, but it is likely that he will take more of a lead with the upcoming Get Out the Vote campaign—a good chance, too, to reduce that sizeable deficit.


Quitales is often quiet during Exec meetings, and at times has missed opportunities raise concerns with the University’s handling of Clubs. The major failing of Clubs this year is that only one team went to University Games—probably something he could get to work on for the next six months is working with the University on this. As with a number of VUWSA’s Officers, Quitales has racked up a number of hours doing general work for the Exec, however the VUWSA offices have remained a shambles for months, and reception is often manned by Clark or VUWSA Manager Mark Maguire if the receptionist is absent—something that shouldn’t be happening with so many hands (or deficit hours) on deck.

Gemma Swan (Education Officer) resigned


Deficit: -108.75

4.5 / 5

Matthew Ellison (Equity Officer) Deficit: -45.5 When the role of Equity Officer was established for 2013, concerns were raised that it would be difficult for one cover-all officer to do the job well. In this sense, Ellison has completely erased these concerns, consistently acting effectively and tirelessly in collaboration with and on behalf of a diverse range of equity and representative groups. Perhaps the most positive member of the Exec, Ellison has put in long hours into the groups that fall under his portfolio, the organisation of Pride and Women’s Weeks, and to monitoring and seeking to improve the wellbeing of his fellow Exec members. Given this output, it is surprising that he is running such a high hours deficit. <<<

Often the most positive voice on the Executive, Swan struggled to balance her work at VUWSA with working as an RA and study, and resigned at the start of Trimester Two. Swan’s portfolio was very much under Clark’s watch, but the two worked well together during the year— especially on the class rep system. Swan didn’t seem to have much to do outside of her work with Clark (as reflected by a large deficit of hours), which may suggest that the position is somewhat redundant—or could simply be symptomatic of working under Clark, who has a tendency to absorb the responsibility of many a task. Although Swan was one of the quieter Exec members at meetings, her work as an RA and experiences as an education student meant that she could bring much-needed insights into sometimes overlooked areas of the student body, namely first year halls and the Karori campus. Just before her departure, Swan confessed that her priorities in life—in order—were “grades, VUWSA, love”; with dedication like that, we anticipate a successful return to the Exec in the coming years.

Simon Tapp (Vice-President Welfare) resigned Surplus: 255 Offered a job at Parliament with the Greens, Tapp resigned from VUWSA at the end of Trimester One.Salient had not received his work report when the magazine went to print. During his stint in student politics, Tapp was renowned for spending long hours at the VUWSA offices. While it is not clear that his time spent at work reflected actual work done, Tapp did rack up a huge number of surplus hours working on projects like the Welfare Review and VUWSA’s impending office move. Despite a dedication to drastically improving student welfare, Tapp was often unrealistic about the cost of possible initiatives. Before he left, Tapp was responsible for developing the most positive relationship that has existed between VUWSA and Associate Director of Campus Operations Rainsforth Dix in recent history. Thanks to his penchant for excessive abbreviation, Tapp also leaves in his wake an Exec-wide ban on using acronyms during meetings and in work reports. RIP, Tapp.



left We need to talk about Kevin


By Carla Marks KRudd. Kev. Kevin07. The Rudd. Prime Minister. That prick who rolled Julia. Whatever you want to call him, Kevin Rudd is a superstar of Australian politics. After taking a Julia-induced tumble and losing the Prime Minister’s office in 2010, Rudd came back to get Julia this year.

judgements from the fourth estate

He rolled her after three years of undermining and leadership speculation, and now looks set to save the Australian Labor Party from a catastrophic election result. The election is being framed as a choice between the ever popular Rudd, and the negative “no man” Tony Abbott.

Losers: Fonterra: For a long time now, Fonterra have relished their position as the golden child of New Zealand’s economy. But last week, the milk began to sour.

His previous attempt in the PM's office can only be described as chaotic. He was criticised for considering the media cycle more important than the policy cycle. He micromanaged his staff and ministers, made decisions on foreign and government policy without consulting colleagues, and eventually lost the support of the majority of his caucus. Sources say he walked out of the leadership vote to a resounding chorus of "You fucked up!" Cue: Kevin 2.0. The revived Rudd took over the leadership again in June of this year. He cancelled the scheduled election and began to dismantle the policy platform built by the Gillard Government. Carbon pricing, which had been a cornerstone of Australia’s climate-change response, was immediately gutted, leaving no serious measures to reduce emissions. Rudd showed his true colours, caring more about public perception of policy rather than what the country or planet needed. Asylum-seeker policy was next on the agenda for Rudd. Instead of changing the already bad Labor policy, Rudd worsened it. Instead of treating those who cross seas in sinking boats as humans, he changed the Labor policy so they would be sent back to “where they came from” immediately. The policy is considered to be more popular than the previous solutions. Again, Rudd showed that he is not concerned with the substance of the policy, nor human rights, nor the desperate situation of asylum seekers, but rather what might keep him in office. Despite this, with each selfie, with each “KRudd” tweet, each instagram and each charming mention of a sauce bottle or how he can speak Mandarin, his popularity soars. Australia, we need to talk about Kevin. I just don’t think he’s good enough for you.


Within a matter of days, as Fonterra’s public image went from bad to worse, politicians and the public alike began to realise that we’ve been putting all our milk in one udder for too long.

Winners: David Shearer: Riding off the back of the high of rising one per cent in the stakes for preferred leader according to the latest poll, last week Shearer treated himself to a social-media makeover. Uploaded last Wednesday, Shearer’s latest Facebook cover photo is striking in its minimalism—a simple depiction of him holding a ‘freshly-caught’ fish on a boat in a harbour; a Labour logo lurking innocuously in the corner. While the move away from Labour’s staple outraged-text-over-image-ofNew-Zealand campaign material is refreshing, it’s not all too clear exactly what message this latest look is trying to convey... But one thing’s for certain— when it comes to David Shearer, he says it best when he says nothing at all.

First there was last weekend’s botulism scare; the revelation that up to 38 tonnes of whey powder, used for baby milk and sports drinks, may have been contaminated with a bacteria which could cause paralysis. Then on Wednesday it was revealed that the company had been fined $900,000 by the Chinese government for price-fixing. China, justifiably peeved at Fonterra by this point, announced a ban on Fonterra products, with Russia following suit, and a number of other countries ordering recalls. The Kiwi dollar hit a low for the month, and critics the world over began to question New Zealand’s 100% Pure claims. It was the wake-up call we needed: Living under the lactatorship, we have let developments in growing industries such as ICT pass us by, and have largely left our environmental policy to be governed by the whims of Federated Farmers—slowly chipping away at our Middle Earth economy. It’s time to stop sucking on dat teat, New Zealand.




right The Danger of a Monopsony is not a Fun Terror By Freddie Hayek

Then & Now Politics can do strange things to a person, especially when politicians have to re-invent their look every four years.

11 yrs

29 yrs

32 yrs

35 yrs

The literal translation of ‘Aotearoa’ is ‘Land of the Long White Cloud’, though Land of Lots of White Milk might be more accurate. Our economy is primarily based on agriculture. Previous governments have failed to diversify the New Zealand economy, leaving our economy precariously based on milk, butter and cheese. As well as baby formula. Foolishly, as if it is not bad enough that most of our economy is based on one suite of goods, these goods are all produced by one company: Fonterra. Fonterra controls 89 per cent of dairy produced in New Zealand, giving it a practical monopsony on most of New Zealand’s exports! A ‘monopsony’ is the uglier, lesser-known cousin of the more commonly known but just-as-vicious ‘monopoly’. Under a monopsony, there is only one buyer of a service or product. In New Zealand, Fonterra has the legal rights to purchase 89 per cent of dairy, then package and process it for export. This sounds like a good idea right, should be efficient as bro, onestop export shop bro? Wrong. The Commerce Comission fought against the creation of Fonterra back in 1999, because almost all economists who don’t sniff glue know that monopsony/monopoly companies are bad for the host economies of their countries. Being the sole purchaser or seller of a good gives a company disproportionate power in the economy. Fonterra is able to exert huge power over the Government as a special interest. It is a milk bottle too big to spill. The last decade is full of Fonterra’s folly. Despite it being produced just down the road, New Zealanders are charged prices for milk and cheese that are at rough parity with petrol. Cow effluent has, in the past, been dumped directly into rivers. Fonterra was also involved in the infamous Sanlu scandal, where dairy products in China were deliberately poisoned by a Chinese saboteur with melamine. People died, and Fonterra was a 43-per-cent shareholder. Luckily, due to early disclosure, Fonterra escaped sanction. The Chinese company directors were executed. Which brings us to the current creamy, protein-rich clusterfuck. Fonterra has come forward and revealed that some baby formula produced for export contains a deadly bacteria that may kill. Which is being exported to a country where couples are only allowed one child, the most populous country in the world, China. The real kicker though? Fonterra knew A YEAR AGO. Fonterra’s reputation is New Zealand’s reputation. While it continues to be a monopsony, Fonterra will take the risks, claiming the rewards, and not taking responsibility for its failures. Break it up. <<<



ď ?



Monday 12 July

Tuesday 13 July

Wednesday 14 July

Thursday 15 July

Friday 16 July

1 pm - Wellness Seminar with the Recreation Centre, SU217

5.30 pm - Sex Work Panel Discussion, Meeting room 3, SUB

12.30 pm - Women Around the World Potluck, SU217 and 218

1 pm Intersectionality with UniQ CanDo, Meeting Room 1, Student Union Building

All Day - Love Your Body, Kelburn Campus

5.30 pm - A feminist debate: 'Gender Quotas: helpful or harmful?' with the Victoria Debating Society, Meeting room 3, SUB

5 pm - Maori and Pasifika Islander Panel Discussion with Ngai Tauira & Pasifika Student's Council. SU217

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Top Ten cyber pick-up lines 10. So how did you hear about tinder?


Save up to 10% on Contiki


plus free Lonely Planet with ANY Contiki tour booked before 29 August See the Contiki experts at STA Travel Victoria Uni today! Shop E3, Easterfield Building, Victoria University P: 04 499 5032 E: Terms and conditions apply, ask in-store for details.

6 pm - Drinks and Nibbles with the Young Feminists' Collective, MEOW

9. *waves* Hey you should come dance with me! *dances* 8. HERBAL VI@GR@ CHEAP !!! 7. Do you know how to do emoji? 6. Are you secretly a dude #catfish? 5. Shall we take this to gchat? 4. Haha, this is so weird, right? 3. Sweet hashtagging, gurl 2. Better not screenshot this ;) 1. asl? carlo salizzo @louderthoughts




get amongst "the best" Overheard @ Vic

Talking about people disclosing a lesbian sexual relationship "It's hard to enjoy your Sunday sausage when your lesbian relationship is spread all over the front page." OMG VUW Confessions #628 I just told my 'friend' that we got a week extension on our assignment that is actually due today. so sick of her not checking blackboard/ emails and always thinking that she can basically copy my work and scrape by. #626 after reading all of these posts about

Garth Fulton What's more appealing than a giant drop of blood screaming "love me" ?

Tim Greg Overseen @ Vic...people losing their dignity Rory Sweeney Lecturer of MUSC337, new to NZ: "I did take a trip outside Wellington over the weekend; I now have a better idea of why it's called the 'cultural capital' ... There's just lots of road." Matt Craig Overseen outside German 218 lecture: Winston Peters smoking not far from a

"Victoria University is proud to be smoke free" sign. Typical. Keari Harvey Overheard in LAWS 122 with Gordon. <<<

people getting with their tutors, i thought i'd give it a go... let me tell you it didn't work out at all and now i want to die in a hole. i set up a meeting on the pretence that i was struggling with an assignment. i wore a mini skirt and a low cut top and tried my best flirting, but he wasn't catching on. i then dropped my pen and basically tried to work my way to his crotch. needless to say our meeting ended early and my face was beet red #613 Sick of all the fucking trash being left around the Hub. I mean what the fuck, it's a brand new building and you've turned it into a fucking dump. Fuck you all you Salient-reading, coffee-drinking, pseudocultured, metro dickheads treating the cleaners like slaves. You're a fucking adult. If you can't handle putting your rubbish in one of the many trash cans around the hub then take your lazy ass and your soy mochachino with three marshmallows back to kindergarten. Fuck! Twitter @C_F_Darling Floppy disc vending machine. Welcome to the future. @ Victoria University ‫@‏‬HughTaylor24 Could smell several different STI's in the hub at Vic Uni today, that place is grubbier than Courtney on a Saturday night #timeforavaccine

PROBING THE PUNTERS Salient conducted an extensive study of the lunchtime rush at the Hub. (n= 20 margin of error: 21.9%) 1. Are you friends with your parents on Facebook?

YES - 40% NO - 60% 2. ‘Seen’ function:

 LOVER 40%


3. Do you know who Rory McCourt is? NO 60%

YES 40% 4. On a scale of 1-5, how do you feel at the moment?


  

1 - 0% 2 - 25% 3 - 20% 4 - 10% 5 - 25%

REALLY HAPPY 5. Would you rather:

Have no internet for the rest of your life? 55%

Or lose one of your arms? 45%


FEATURES â&#x20AC;˘ Ď&#x;

Requiem for a stream A week without Internet

I left the internet for seven days and all I got was this existential crisis. 18



By Henry Cooke

TUESDAY NIGHT All I have is ten minutes. It’s 11.50 pm. I’ve got a season of a show at 90 per cent, and a few readings still downloading. They’ll make it. At midnight, on orders from the stone-hearted Salient co-editors, I will disconnect. Completely. No 3G on my phone, no Wi-Fi on my laptop, no sneaky Facebook at uni, no Snapchat, no iMessage, no Twitter, no Gmail, no Tumblr, no Metlink, no Westpac, no Stuff., no Blackboard, no Instagram, no Slate—no modern comforts at all. For a whole week. This is, of course, terrifying. I’m absurdly addicted to the internet. I use phrases like “online presence” and “following–follower ratio” without irony. I read a small novel each day in blog posts. It’s with me from the moment I wake up to the minute I fall asleep. A friend facebooks me to tell me she is mourning, as “this is essentially a 21stcentury death.” We’ll see. I’m not alone in my attachment. Everyone I tell about the challenge immediately admits they would have trouble themselves, but “not as much as you’ll have”. We’re all reliant on the internet to some degree, even if it’s just for Blackboard and the weather. I’ve gone without the internet before, everyone has, but only in times filled with other distractions—overseas travel, a weekend away with friends, moving into a flat—going offline but still going about my everyday life will be new. But why not? The Verge’s Paul Miller did it for a year; I can at least last a week. New Breaking Bad doesn’t start for another two weeks anyway.

depths of human experience through the written word, right? My hair looks great though, and I can’t snapchat it to anyone. Alone in the Salient offices at around 10.30, the superiority is gone. I’ve sent a few texts to my friends asking if they are around and am feeling terrible about it. Texts are so invasive and needy. There’s all this purpose and decision involved. I miss the casualness of Facebook chat, the subconscious availability of the green “online” light. Near 2.30, I’m in a very slow and anecdotal lecture. Everyone around me is ignoring the lecturer’s pained life story with their Facebook and Tumblr; I have to retreat into my thoughts. I don’t usually allow myself time to consider my life on more than a day-to-day basis, to feel bad about being single or compare myself to everyone else my age, or attempt to map some kind of career trajectory. Social media might encourage constant self-reflection, but you can usually just take a new profile picture. People have been distracting themselves from reality with fiction for years; the internet just makes it easier. How can you wallow in existential despair with every episode of The SimpsonsW so readily available? A few hours later, in a homely café with some friends, the self-reflection from the lecture feels distant and narcissistic. When I’m with people, the whole internet-less thing is a bit of a joke,

something to wryly admit I find hard before moving on to something else. Conversation is essentially what I want out of the internet anyway. My friends keep bringing it up though, and the back of my mind can’t drop it. What am I going to do when I get home? Read? Work? Sleep? Well, attempt to sleep. It’s 1.57 am and there’s a twinge in my stomach, a yearning to finish something. I want passive stimulation, a podcast about something boring or an audiobook to turn my mind off to. Is this what smokers have to deal with? I miss the feeling of six browser tabs waiting for me to read them. I miss the “Gory Serial-Killer Teen Screams” category Netflix created for me. I miss the sense that billions of things are going on all over the world in different time zones while I lie warm and comfortable in bed. Finally, I find an adequately boring first-year Media textbook, and drift off.

My hair looks great though, and I can’t snapchat it to anyone

WEDNESDAY I’m late. Usually, I read some news on my phone before I leave the warm fortress of my duvets; today, I ended up just sleeping more. Everyone else on the bus is tapping away on a smartphone, while I sit in somewhat smug superiority with a brick-sized book. They are catching up on what’s changed since they last checked the glowing rectangle in their pockets; I’m plumbing the <<<



THURSDAY Work. Salient conceded that I might lose my job were I to ignore work emails, so have allowed me this small victory. I’m refreshing my inbox over and over again, as refreshing something feels pretty good. I’m being very restrained. The whole internet is right there in front of me. I could be reading a terrible Thought Catalog piece in seconds, and nobody would ever know. I could have opened BuzzFeed three times and then closed the tab before it loaded, even. Who knows? After work, I meet some friends, because filling time with social activity is currently my best coping mechanism. I keep telling them I’ve reached a new level of “zen” offline. In reality, I’m hyperaware of my surroundings, and feel a little sick. The letter-spacing in the windows of several Willis St stores is way off. The wind and the birds are very loud. Civic Square could use a redesign. If I can’t be overloaded with information from the internet, I’ll make darn sure I get it somewhere. My friends are talking about the Andrea Vance phone calls and I have no snarky Twitter commentary to pass off as my own. One of them instagrams me covertly and then won’t show me the photo, dooming me to 128 hours of wondering how bad I look. Fuck. University is crazy-hard without the internet. I have a small assignment to do by tomorrow, the kind of thing you could usually knock off in 90 minutes without a thought, but it’s going to take years. First, I have to text someone and get them to type out every question for me, as they were only available on Blackboard. Then, since I bought an online-only e-book for this course, I have to venture into the library without using their online catalogue. Eventually, I find an older edition. With all these materials, I figure focussing on the actual assignment will be easy—no distractions right? Wrong. For some of us, each sentence is a victory. Said victory requires reward—usually two minutes of Tumblr or the like. Offline, it ends up being a whole episode of Seinfeld, or a few chapters of a book, or an elaborately conceived snack. Even after my distraction desire is sated, my laptop is impossible


I miss the sense that billions to return to. It isn’t fun any more. There are none of the small snippets of entertainment that motivate my entire being on there, only drudgery. I think I need to buy a magazine or something.

FRIDAY This is getting easier. Now, granted, I spent all of today with people, but the only time I reflexively pulled out my phone to tweet was when a friend said, “you only need one hand to make it rain,” and that was much funnier at the time. I’m still kind of adrift and I stare at things for too long, but it’s more like being stoned than being hungover. I even got the opportunity to feel superior to some serial instagrammers at a party. While they work out the best angles on their front cameras, my friends and I have found a more archaic method of image-sharing—a decrepit photocopier. Photocopying your hands and faces and jewellery for effect is much more fun than just applying the ‘Inkwell’ filter, and you don’t have to worry about your mum seeing the results either.

SATURDAY I spoke too soon. Alone, hungover, and bored, I start to feel shitty about how shitty I feel. I should be able to entertain myself. I should be able to read a book for longer than 20 minutes without wanting to google a review of it. I should be able to enjoy something without wanting to tell everyone about it. In search of someone or something to blame, and something to do, I scribble down three theories. As always with these things, it’s probably all of them. One: Capitalism! The advertising gods who run Facebook and Google make more money the more time I spend online, so they’ve

of things are going on all over the world in different time zones while I lie warm and comfortable in bed engineered a desire to stay connected within me. It’s like putting collectable toys in Happy Meals: pure evil. Two: Everyone else! All I have is garden variety Fear Of Missing Out. A huge amount of social activity is going on in the airwaves around me that I can’t access, and it’s only natural for me to feel displaced. Much of contemporary culture takes place exclusively online; why wouldn’t I feel bad about missing it? This is just like when I wasn’t allowed to watch Pokémon. Three: Me! I’m a shallow person obsessed with the immediate, who can’t stand delayed gratification or the simple pleasures life offers. I live in relative luxury in the cultural capital of my first-world country, yet I find myself depressed and bored because I can’t casually stalk



someone’s Snapchat crushes. I am what’s wrong with our generation.

SUNDAY What I miss most is Google. All the socialmedia stuff is plenty addictive too, but what I really need is the ability to know anything I want in seconds. Nobody goes to the library to research “seth cohen best moments” or “how to pronounce The Weeknd” or “hataitai bus times”. These are topics only Google can help with. I go to my parents’ for dinner on Sundays. You would think solid family time is the thing I need to shake these withdrawals, but I have to leave early so they can skype my sisters.

MONDAY Have you ever paid your rent by hand? Like, gone to your bank, transferred money into your eftpos accessible account, withdrawn more cash than you feel comfortable holding, walked to another bank, texted your flatmate in search of the flat account’s number, waited ten minutes for <<<

a reply, called your flatmate to find their phone off, texted another flatmate, got a reply, deposited it all to a bemused banker who can’t read your handwriting, and then finally got to go home? I don’t recommend it.

TUESDAY The end is almost here. I spend all of Tuesday in a daze. In my 1 pm tut, I start to make a grand point about the constitutional powers of the US President and realise halfway through that I’ve forgotten the key statement. It’s very embarrassing, and I can’t even google the quote I’m after to save face with the tutor after class. I feel like I’m on the plane home from a trip abroad. The world is turning hundreds of feet beneath me. I’m sure things are happening this weekend, but without Facebook events, I don’t know where. I start to read a paper, but I’ve missed the beginnings to all the sagas, and can’t catch up. I’m tired and excited all at once.

WEDNESDAY While brainstorming this feature, someone asked me whether I would rather lose an arm or the internet. After a second, I replied with, “which arm?” The internet is so much more than another diversion, so much bigger than anything before it. It’s a language: a system for transmitting thought, much like English or the printing press. One can carry out an entire wellpaid career online, or a fully fledged romance. I’m sure we should all get out and enjoy the ‘real world’ some more, but the internet is now just as real as maths, science or literature. At midnight, I start the long process of catching up. Peter Capaldi is the new Doctor Who. A friend snapchatted me asking how life without the internet is going. A (now former) friend intentionally resurfaced awkward teenaged photos of me on Facebook. I’m re-receiving 30 text messages as iMessages. I have 400 emails to ignore. I end up with only one piece of wisdom about leaving the internet for seven days: don’t.



Trollin’in the Deep

By Denizen of the Deep


In his opus The Grim Grotto, author Lemony Snicket offers the following nugget of wisdom: “the world is a wicked place”. According to the same author, there are menacing “horrors” out there that are scarcely possible to conceive. This is, unfortunately, true of the world in which we dwell. It is also true of the e-world; beneath the friendly face of the ‘surface web’ lies the online equivalent of a shady opium den or black market. Here, all manner of illicit material—whether it’s the comparatively innocuous (marijuana), fraudulent (counterfeit American dolla dolla billz) or downright repugnant (child pornography) is commoditised, bought, sold, traded, shared, disseminated. Welcome to a place where depravity can run amok, completely unchecked. This is a guide to the ‘Deep Web’.

It’s a little-known fact that every time you open Google Chrome (I hope, although Firefox is an acceptable substitute) and type whatever it is you type into the Google search engine, you’re accessing a resource that only indexes about three per cent of the internet in its entirety. The sites you access daily (Facebook, Twitter, Gawker, Tumblr, 4chan if you’re a misogynist) comprise what is known as the surface web; websites which are easily available, indexed by search engines. So what kinds of things make up the other 97 per cent—the Deep Web?


Most of this 97 per cent is utterly inaccessible— dedicated to private email accounts and the transactions therein, secure VPN or LAN connections, websites that are no longer accessible through conventional means but which remain (on the ‘dark internet’, if getting technical

is your jam), and the like. A very small amount of this Deep Web is made up of pages accessible on the mainstream internet that request not to be indexed by search engines. A miniscule part of it is dedicated to the unfathomable and userunfriendly depths of the I2P, Freenet and darknet networks. The most commonly utilised resource used in accessing the Deep Web, however, is the Tor network. Such is Tor’s ubiquity (in underground circles at least) that the terms ‘Deep Web’ and ‘Tor’ are often used interchangeably, in much the same way that ‘vagina’ has come to encompass ‘vulva’ as well. Right. Let’s take a deep breath, perhaps a long swig if you have a beverage handy. Perplexed? Awash in feelings of doubt? Mildly discomfited? Scare-crying? Fear not: some handy elucidation is on its way. Tor is an online browser that was originally conceived for the US Navy in order to ensure that intel could be suitably encrypted and



communicated anonymously. Since its inception, however, it has sustained a broad audience and adopted a new policy of anonymity that extends to all users. It works by directing (or ‘pinging’) your request through a relay point of random IPs spread across the world, thereby concealing your IP among the mass of connections. Helpfully, it manages to disguise searches from the beady eyes of internet service providers too—all they see is you connecting to a server that functions as a dummy. Want to check your notifications on the Uni library computers between 10 am and 2 pm? Tor’s here! Don’t want your web searches on any record? Look no further—Tor automatically deletes your history as well! Want to get on .onion pages? On Tor, you can. What are .onion pages? Well. ‘Onions’ are web pages that require layered encryption to access (hence the ‘onion’ symbolism). When Tor pings your IP around the globe, it encrypts it as it goes to concrete its users’ anonymity. The upshot of this is that Tor can be used to access web pages that cannot be reached on any other browsers. But even once you’re on Tor, how are you supposed to find these onions?

hotbed for hackers and malicious coders; there is an (admittedly minute) chance of getting caught and arrested; there are some things, too, that cannot be undone, or unseen. Consider yourself suitably warned. Though the Hidden Wiki’s reputation as a seedy underbelly is perhaps slightly exaggerated (but more on that later), there are some stomach-churning, outright illegal links on offer. There are conspiratorial tirades directed against various social institutions, usually the government. The majority of these allude to The Matrix, and their furious disregard for grammar, syntax and (more’s the pity) citations lead me to suspect that

is a comprehensive amount of WikiLeaks, many of which have yet to debut on the surface net. There are also a diverse array of services available. Should you wish to hire an assassin, you have multiple options to choose from. You can buy forged banknotes in bulk. You can pay ‘Tor University’ to write essays for you—including postgraduate theses and dissertations (with prices adjusted accordingly). You could gaze upon the works of some medical students (“we go where few dare”) who perform macabre human experiments on unsuspecting patients. You can find .onions devoted to redacted court documents, videos and documents about unethical psychological experiments performed before the committee of ethics was a twinkle in its mother’s eye. If you are so inclined, you can purchase drugs from ‘Silk Road’—it offers anything from marijuana to meth, opiates to ekkies. Should you harbour any happy fantasies that the pages are elaborate jokes and imaginations, there is an .onion dedicated to reviews of the services these web pages provide. On an .onion offering forged American dollars: “very satisfied with product, though it took 17 days to reach me.”

Be VERY careful

where you click; there are some

things that cannot


Hidden Wiki


unseen. Consider

yourself suitably

The ‘Hidden Wiki’, modelled on the template of Wikipedia like an evil twin, is the thriving hub of the Tor network, a place where all its citizens—well, not congregate, exactly—but at least where the majority of them frequent. Its function is twofold. It offers a vast collection of .onion links, handily grouped into categories (“hacking”, “blogs”, “adult/erotica” etc.), as well as encyclopaedic articles pertaining to matters of the Deep Web. As with horcruxes in Harry Potter, this article will offer the reader neither guidance nor instruction as to how to get there. It will, however, offer information and guide you through some of the treacherous waters. If the inquisitive/foolhardy among you do manage to get on, however, I must insist that you be VERY careful where you click; The Hidden Wiki is a <<<

be undone, or

warned. their authors are not the most reliable shiphands on the vessel of mental health. There are e-book-sharing websites that between them have terabytes of pirated books. There are music-sharing websites with a focus on obscure genres like noise and modern classical (this isn’t the mainstream internet, after all). There are discussion boards and chans with a deep web twist. Very little to no censorship is evident, but with this comes tighter-knit communities and a haven for people whose interests are more esoteric pursuits (there is a noise-sharethread on one board, for example, that I am extraordinarily indebted to). There are hacking communities and resources. There

If you feel concerned, you can take some comfort in the fact that the authorities know that Tor exists and almost certainly monitor the activities that go on. Their valiant quest is impeded somewhat by the form of currency transactions on the Deep Web use: the dreaded and dreadful bitcoin. I won’t go into the algorithmic machinations of the online currency here (mostly because I don’t understand them, tbh), but suffice to say that it offers its users anonymity in their transactions and a complete lack of a paper trail, which I assume offsets the fluctuating exchange rates the currency is renowned for. Moreover, those heavily involved in the illicit trades keep to their own and are enormously suspicious (paranoia and law-breaking go hand-in-hand)—under the veil of concealment offered by the internet, they can be next-to-impossible to infiltrate.



many .onions use, some of which hosted child pornography, others of which were above-board (Tor Mail is the most unfair casualty). An InScript Java code was then inserted into the pages to trace back the IP addresses of those unaware that JavaScript can be used to unmask you. The attack was, however, generic, meaning that even those on Tor who were accessing legal material will be implicated in a child-pornography ring. For those who had not configured Tor correctly, it was no longer a safe place.

The most harrowing .onions are the pornographic-themed ones. As one might imagine, these .onions offer visual stimulation banned in a lot of countries: beastiality, necrophilia, non-consensual, Hard BDSM, piss-play, scat-play, and combinations thereof (and I know that the latter three are not like the others; it’s a long story involving archaic laws). The category that gets under my skin the most is the one that promises ‘Underage’, delineated into two categories—‘jailbait’ (teens) and ‘hard candy’ (younger). Disturbingly, the creator of one of these sites did a Q&A for Reddit where he wasn’t entirely condemned. The very same site even has its own Wikipedia article, such is its infamy, and stores 1.4 million photos that get shared among the sites 15,000-strong userbase. Dispelling


Myths This being the case, it’s not hard to understand why the Deep Web is pigeonholed as a den of vice and iniquity and—let’s not beat around the bush—evil. As such, there is a misconception that all the people using it are salacious and nefarious individuals in it for the drugz and the (hard) candy. This isn’t actually the case. Tor is a godsend for political dissidents who have no way of communicating outside their country due to harsh political restrictions in place (think Iran,


Egypt); there are forums for them to communicate with Western journalists and each other. Tor also offers ‘Tor Mail’, an email service that offers users—you guessed it—complete anonymity (useful for anonymous tips and, again, political dissidents). There are whistleblowing forums that are dedicated to the public good (one of which Edward Snowden used when he leaked PRISM documents). The communities, as mentioned before, are tight-knit and often engage in (*gasp*) intelligent discourse—there are boards for those interested in politics, philosophy, literature. While I’m at it, I might as well debunk a couple more insidious myths. The idea that Tor is a launching point for forays into an even ‘deeper web’ (often called ‘Mariana’s Web’, as in ‘Mariana’s Trench’) is infelicitous. Tor’s as far as it goes, baby, unless you’ve got the hacking know-how-can-do. Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, Tor is not lightning-fast. Going through all those relays takes time, man. The price you pay for freedom is dialup speed connections. No one’s got it all. All Must







Fortuitously (well, for me), the Deep Web made its way into the limelight while I was writing this very article. This is strictly speculation at this stage, but allegedly the FBI seized some servers owned by ‘Freedom Hosting’—the hosting service that

The furore on Tor was immediate and ferocious. There was talk of people physically destroying hard drives and ‘going underground’ for a couple of months. One spectacularly misinformed comment on a Tor news site (think the comments on [ITALICS:] but even worse) insisted that taking away their child porn contravened their rights to “freedom of speech” (?!). In a considerably more rational criticism, many bloggers are taking issue with the heavyhandedness of the FBI’s (alleged) approach. One of my fellow Salient contributors analogised that it was like “banning cars to stop car bombings”. On the other hand, if the raids manage to prevent the dissemination of child porn, or catch perpetrators of abuse on children and rescue the children involved, wouldn’t the collateral damage be worthwhile? ambiguity That’s where I leave you; you have to make your own call on that one. But this conundrum hinges on a problem that is much broader in scope. Tor is indirectly responsible for a tremendous amount of ill—you could accuse it of facilitating the drug trade and the child-porn trade and it would be hard-pressed to respond. But it is also indirectly responsible for social justice, transparency, and stands for something that has been largely lost in the digital age—anonymity and the liberty that accompanies it. Forgive me for offering a cliché, but it really is a double-edged sword. I don’t have any answers. I do, however, have another Lemony Snicket quote that may prove valuable: “People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” The Deep Web, for better or worse, is the very same.


FACES TO DEFACE Is expressing your artistic talent confined to Faces to Deface? Submit your artwork and cartoons to Salient! Email


for their eyes only

A Timeline of the Tangled GCSB Saga



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A Web of Incompetence:


By Ollie Neas

A Sense of Paranoia It has been a weird winter for the paranoid. As if chemtrails and fluoride were not enough to instil a nagging sense of an omniscient ‘Them’, the events of the last two months have done more to stimulate the basolateral amygdala than all but the most potent THC. Right now, the paranoid can hardly be blamed for feeling that they’re being watched. On the evening of Wednesday 5 June, The Guardian revealed that the National Security Agency (the NSA) was collecting the phone records of millions of US customers of telecommunications provider, Verizon. A top secret court order authorising the data collection compelled Verizon to give the NSA information on all phone calls within the US on an “ongoing, daily basis”. Only two days later, details of another top secret surveillance program—this one named (rather ominously) PRISM—emerged. Another baby of the NSA, PRISM, we have learnt, is a system which allows the Governments of the US and UK to collect private communication directly from the servers of nine popular internet services: Microsoft, Apple, Skype, PalTalk, AOL, Twitter, Yahoo, Facebook and Google.

Having spent a decade in awe at the rise and rise of Facebook, Twitter and Google, learning to entrust them with every byte of data we have, we became suddenly aware of just how vulnerable we had been left. The man responsible for the leaks was Edward Snowden, an infrastructure analyst working (well, not anymore) for a NSA contractor in Hawaii. Although in Hong Kong by the time the story broke, the US Government—still litigating the shit out of the Wikileaks leaker, Bradley Manning—was quick to charge Snowden with espionage in absentia. The man-hunt that followed triggered global diplomatic tensions, culminating in Russia granting Snowden temporary asylum—despite Obama’s best ‘I’m both very angry and disappointed’ face.

rise of Facebook, Twitter and Google, learning to entrust them with every byte of data we have, we became suddenly aware of just how vulnerable we had been left. The conspiracy theorists and chronically paranoid were adrenally exhausted. While those tweeting #illuminati were certainly seeing Jesus in the Toast, you could hardly blame them.

While the Catch Me If You Can-style narrative consumed the media, the folks at home struggled to understand just what it all meant for them. It all seemed to be about the ‘metadata’; that is, not the content of communication, but the details of who, where and for how long people are communicating.

Home-Grown Error-ism

While these programs were targeted at spies and terrorists, collecting information from the bad guys requires, as The Washington Post explained, “at minimum, that everyone in the suspect’s inbox or outbox is swept in. Intelligence analysts are typically taught to chain through contacts two “hops” out from their target, which increases “incidental collection” exponentially.”

As Susan Landau, a computer engineer and mathematician, explained to The New Yorker, metadata is, in many ways, “much more intrusive than content.” If you can track who someone is calling and for how long, “you know exactly what is happening—you don’t need the content.”

Six degrees of separation. You do the math.

Having spent a decade in awe at the rise and

It was hard even for the John Smiths scrolling down their news feeds not to feel just a little bit like Winston Smith.

On Saturday 27 July, as Russian authorities were considering whether to grant asylum to the fugitive Snowden, then holed-up in Moscow airport, thousands of protestors took to the streets in city centres across New Zealand to protest two proposed laws that would expand the surveillance powers of the Government Communications Security Bureau, or the GCSB—the agency established to provide foreign intelligence and protect the country from cyber threats. The two pieces of law—the GCSB Bill and the Telecommunications (Interception Capability

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and Security) Bill—taken together clarify when the GCSB can spy on New Zealanders: namely, when conducted under authorised warrants to assist the Security Intelligence Service (SIS) or Police. Such authority could be granted by the Minister in charge—currently, that’s the Prime Minister—without independent oversight. The motivations of those who took to the streets were diverse. InternetNZ and the NZ Law Society worried that the proposed laws lacked the necessary checks and balances to protect citizens’ human rights from abuse. Some worried that the legislation opened the door for private information to be sent abroad, with some going so far as to suggest that the GCSB was becoming little more than a subsidiary of the NSA. Some even imputed malice, fearing that real purpose of the law is to “strangle us and tighten us up”, as one protester in Hamilton told The Waikato Independent. While others, although not seeing malice, felt it would inevitably lead to malicious ends. In the words of one Northcote resident, “It happens little by little like the rights of the German people were eroded in Nazi Germany.”

*** On 20 January 2012, the eccentric Germanborn papa of file-sharing site Megaupload, Kim Dotcom (aka Kim Schmitz, aka Kim Tim Jim Vestor, aka Kimble), was arrested in an armed raid on his Coatesville mansion conducted by the Police in concert with the GCSB and FBI. The GCSB had been surveilling Dotcom and

Key ordered an inquiry to explain the blunder. The report of that inquiry (the leaking of which to Fairfax journalist Andrea Vance sparked a thrilling sub-plot involving further inquiries, ministerial resignations and severe breaches of journalistic freedoms) diagnosed the GCSB with a range of grave maladies. In addition to Dotcom, it emerged, the agency may have unlawfully spied on up to 85 New Zealanders over the past decade. The legal advice it had been operating under was wrong, its management and staff culture was fragmented, and the legislation that governed it was simply not fit for the purpose. The necessary course of treatment, the report proscribed, was new legislation.

It was hard even for the John Smiths scrolling down their

news feeds not to feel just a little bit like Winston Smith.

These protests marked just one point in a broader story with the GCSB at its centre, one that extends back to the start of 2012. To understand the protests and the nature of the proposed law change, we need to understand this history.

his associates for weeks. As memos between the GCSB and Police made clear, the operation was considered a success. Sought by the FBI on counts of copyright infringement and money laundering, and now detained, Dotcom could be extradited to the US to face trial—or so the plan went. By September, however, Dotcom was still in New Zealand. The raid, it had emerged, was unlawful. As an externally focussed agency, the GCSB’s powers of surveillance cannot be deployed on residents or non-citizens. As Dotcom had only recently immigrated, the GCSB presumed he was a non-resident. Unfortunately for them, the Police and the US Department of State, this presumption was wrong: Dotcom’s residency application was approved in 2010.

The GCSB and TICS Bills are to right this history of wrongs—an aim that was often forgotten as the political opposition at times seemed to paste together a montage of the year’s assorted scandals as evidence in and of itself of the bill’s flaws. The protesters, Key told TVNZ, were “misguided”, and Dotcom, hollering about an NSA connection, was just “a conspiracy theorist”. The Bills’ motivations, Key wanted us to know, are honourable. The activities of the GCSB, as well as the NSA, are aimed at stopping criminals and terrorists— ‘the bad guys’. And we need them to stop the bad guys. For those of us who have done nothing wrong, the thinking goes, we have nothing to hide. Or so the thinking goes.

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“I’m sorry, but that’s the real world”, Key told More FM on the day of the GCSB’s first reading. The revelation he announced on the (usually) easy-listening radio station was that there are individuals in New Zealand that have received al-Qaeda training in Yemen. Although the timing of the al-Qaeda pronouncement gave the statements an air of dubiousness—a dubiousness which both the opposition and academics were quick to observe—the underlying point that Key was emphasising was one familiar to all of us in the post 9/11 West. We must make sacrifices: privacy must be balanced against security. But good intentions don’t mean good law. Indeed, Key’s message echoed sentiments expressed elsewhere by a character with whom Key would, until recent times, have been only too pleased to have been compared. Then a senator, Barack Obama told the Senate in 2006, “We need to find a way forward to make sure that we can stop terrorists while protecting the privacy, and liberty, of innocent Americans.” With light now having been shone through PRISM, such american parallels have lost their

gleam. Balance means little until it is clear what is on either side of the scales.

A Tale of Two Privacies There is good privacy and there is bad privacy. Good privacy is privacy for the individual. It’s the kind of privacy we’re thinking of when we lock our diaries, close the door, whisper secrets, and turn on private browsing. It’s the thing that gives us the space to exercise those rights that make us free. It’s the overriding thing that drove the vast majority of those who took to the streets in opposition to the GCSB Bill. Bad privacy, however, is privacy for government. This privacy—perhaps better termed ‘secrecy’— prevents the public from seeing how and why the government does what it does. It prevents the government from being held to account for their actions. It’s the kind of privacy that was entrenched when Parliamentary Services gave journalist Andrea Vance’s phone and email information to the Henry Inquiry (see timeline). It’s the kind of privacy that Edward Snowden and Wikileaks seek to destroy. As the existence of the GCSB is testament to, such secrecy is to some extent necessary. But where such secrecy exists, its existence must be justified and there must be robust rules in place to set the limits of its use. This is what the NZ Law Society is appealing to in calling for more stringent safeguards on the exercise of the powers conferred under the GCSB Bill. Where these safeguards are lacking, bad privacy may spread at the expense of the good kind.

fact that every few years, despite all reasonable precautions, some hundreds or thousands of us may die in the sort of ghastly terrorist attack that a democratic republic cannot 100-per-cent protect itself from without subverting the very principles that make it worth protecting?” Maybe if we thought about it, freedom and the private space necessary to exercise that freedom are worth more than absolute safety. After all, there will always be threats to the National Security—even if freedom and democracy were to end. Don’t mistake the message: the GCSB and TICS Bills will not destroy privacy and they will not destroy freedom. The nightmare of the paranoid is not imminent. But it does tilt the scales one way. There is no objectively right answer as to where the balance should be, but as chief-leak himself, Edward Snowden, said in the Youtube video that served as his uncloaking, “these things need to be determined by the public, not by someone who is simply hired by the Government.” Speaking to the New Zealand Herald on the day of the protests, Key said, “I accept there will always be some who feel a bit nervous about privacy and their own rights but I can give them the best assurance I can that we're very careful and cautious about what we do as a state, but in the end we do have to protect the interests of New Zealanders." The question then for us, as those whose privacy matters, is, in this shadeless landscape of data, what are our interests?

*** In a 2007 essay for The Atlantic, David Foster Wallace asks: “What if we chose to accept the

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Your P

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Qwert While our parents taught us to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ at an early age, the rules for negotiating relationships online are less established. As 93 per cent of human communication is based on body language, it’s easy to misconstrue a written “it’s fine” when using social media. Penny Gault offers some tips on how to protect ourselves from ourselves by adhering to some simple social etiquette.



By Penny Gault When we engage online, we become members of a community, imagining our Facebook friends and even un-met Twitter followers as somehow connected to us. Just as there are expectations and norms dictating the way we interact with one another IRL, our online community is governed by socialmedia etiquette. As we become increasingly familiar with, and reliant on, social media for communication, this etiquette may seem selfexplanatory. More troublesome today is the lack of guidance when social media and ‘real life’ collide. Perhaps this a problematic concept in itself—after all, isn’t social media our real life? Semantics aside, just as we must hug our grandparents and reply to ‘seen’ messages on Facebook, a level of diplomacy is required when we see our Twitter crush drinking coffee outside Memphis Belle.

Meeting people Social media’s capacity to bring people together has made it commonplace for us to interact frequently with people we have never met. While this is a yay for technology, this

could become a nay for you when someone suggests you meet up IRL, or you recognise them in the street. The ‘Hey, let’s meet!’: It’s perfectly normal not to want your social worlds to collide, but accept that there will be people who want to extend the online relationship into reality. If this is Earl Grey to you (i.e. isn’t your cup of tea), control your social-media persona strictly—consider using a pseudonym, unidentifiable profile picture, private profile, and controlling friends or followers. A general rule of thumb: if you aren’t comfortable with acknowledging someone on the street, you shouldn’t let them access your posts. If this sounds too Fort Knox-y and you’re intent on becoming identifiably Twitter-famous, it’s pretty easy to refuse someone’s invitation to meet IRL with a polite “No, thank you.” The street meet: If you unexpectedly recognise someone from social media IRL, it’s considered rude not to acknowledge them. Say hello, smile, or nod. You know the names of their pets and what they had for dinner last night, so treat them as someone you met at a party several months ago. Don’t be offended if they don’t recognise you straight away.



Remember how many filters you applied to your profile picture?

Friends The unrequited adoration: You may strongly identify with a stranger’s social-media posts. Don’t demand reciprocation. Just because you follow someone on Twitter doesn’t mean they have to follow back. If you’re seriously offended by a refused Facebook friend request, send them an email asking for an explanation, but leave it at that. The tagger: Think before you tag—would you like it if a friend tagged a photo of you passed out drunk, while you were too busy writing essays to notice until seven hours, 157 likes, and a comment from your mother, later? The Facebook ‘seen’ message: Don’t treat Facebook chat as an IRL conversation and expect an immediate response just because someone’s online. Perhaps a quick, “Sorry, I’m in a lecture, reply soon,” or “BRB, chatting online to babes,” would be nice, but it’s okay not to respond immediately. If you’re really paranoid, click the message drop-down tab and read the start of the message before you commit to letting them know you’ve read their request to borrow your prized ball dress. Sneaky. The mother phubber: Most of us are guilty of phubbing, "the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention.” Being on the receiving end is as offensive as the word itself. While online friends demand less attention and don’t require a daily shower, don’t forget the value of your friends IRL. You chose to be friends for a reason; so put your phone down and work that voice box. Otherwise, you’ll soon be eating lunch with your phone.

Fame The fame game: Admittedly, it’s easier in New Zealand, but on the whole, stardom IRL usually requires a special skill that sets you apart. Randomly blurting out witty one-liners will only get you so far. But get the formula for socialmedia domination correct, and you could find yourself rising to fame while sitting on the couch <<<

eating leftovers. If you’re really committed, I suggest a stunt—think Party at Kelly Browne’s. The overshare: ‘Winning’ at social media requires strict adherence to the maxim: beware the overshare. This goes for quantity, as well as quality. Flooding your friends’ Facebook timelines or Twitter/Instagram feeds isn’t going to win hearts, even if you’re objectively funnier than Guy Williams. Don’t spoil TV shows. As for quality, ponder your audience and the appropriateness of posting graphic details of your Grindr success. I’m not saying don’t share these feats, but consider having separate accounts with limited friends/ followers. This may sound like the beginning of a multiple personality disorder, but remember how you filter your thoughts when speaking with extended family, compared with texting your BFF the morning after.

an “unexpected wang” might seem tricky to negotiate—if that’s not what you seek, best practice is to ignore and move on to more eloquent users. The collision: Most will find themselves ill prepared to see the owner of said “unexpected wang” or unrequited attraction when strolling along Lambton Quay. General protocol is to accept the uncomfortable situation and avoid acknowledging one another. A small smile or nod will suffice, if you must. While you may be open about your app use, the other may not. It’s better to veer on the side of caution and respect each other’s privacy.

The fall: I’m still waiting to become a Twitter sensation. Things seemed to go well for me in late 2011 through ‘til early 2012—I was described as “famous on Twitter”, and people meeting me IRL frequently gushed, “ohmygod I love your tweets!” I don’t know exactly what happened to halt my rise to fame, although something tells me it could have been the incessant caffeine-fuelled manic tweets about Law. Then again, perhaps it was live-tweeting my trips to the supermarket that left my followers wanting.

The PDA: While I like to think we’re all pretty accepting of various romantic-relationship configurations, the jury is well and truly in on public displays of affection, regardless of who the consenting parties may be. Socialmedia PDA is as frowned upon as having sex in public. Think of a Facebook relationship status as the equivalent to holding hands in the street, “I love you, honey bunny” on social media as an inappropriate boob or butt grab in the presence of your grandparents, and “I miss you so much since 3 hours ago, you are my sunshine, I can’t breathe without you” as full frontal nudity in the middle of Readings. If in doubt, remember how you felt about seeing a giggling couple in matching chinos a year ago when you were single and miserable.



The pursuit: Etiquette for apps like Grindr and Tinder are difficult to pin down. General consensus seems to be that, “if you’re gonna use [these] apps, you’re probably not the kind of person who freaks out over the occasional unexpected wang.” Personally, I think that if you wouldn’t flash your bits in public, you shouldn’t on social media, either. As many of us have learned from Snapchat, you never can be too wary of the ol’ screenshot. That said, these are forums where partial nudity is deemed socially acceptable. If you feel inclined, it’s nice to preface such an image or an abrupt, “Wanna bang? Meet me in 10”, with a polite hello. You’ll be surprised by what you get in return. To the uninitiated,

The Google search: Our Facebook page and Twitter feed may feel like a pretty private place when we’re sitting at home in pink pyjama pants, eating toast. Comfortable behind our keyboards, we’re inclined to drop our social filter and post things off the cuff. Unless your account is protected with the utmost privacy, however, your posts are most definitely public. While you may be comfortable sharing your political position with a few select friends, think twice before pledging your allegiance to The Pakeha Party, or abusing your current employer for making you stay ten minutes later than usual. The internet never forgets, and if your future employer is worth working for, they know how to use Google.



old dogs, new clicks By Keegan Platten Upon my recent return to the dizzyingly bright lights of Gisborne, I was greeted with a question from my grandfather. It had come about after a conversation about the internet and how important it has become in our modern society. He asked, “Is it like Parliament?” Perplexed, I asked what he meant. “Well,” he began, “there is too many gays and women in Parliament and I was wondering if this internet-thing had just as many gays and women using it?” Needless to say, I offered an attempt to alleviate his anachronistic concerns about these two groups before deciding it wasn’t worth it and quickly retracting myself. However, the next day, my mother asked me to help her with some internet stuff (email, etc). Because I knew she was almost entirely absent of the bigotry that was present in Grandfather, I nervously accepted.

Email This was a scene. My mum thought it was time to “get on the email”. So I set her up with an email and told her what the basic functions were. Now for our generation, email is a communicative tool that you cannot live without. For my mother, it is the perfect vehicle to send pictures of newborn tigers, or an email about “Maori entitlement”. You know the ones right? They get forwarded around the workplace, and then you JUST HAVE TO send them to everyone you know because the sheer cuteness of this picture is better than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD OMG LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PICTURE JUST FUCKING LOOK AT IT. After some weeks of what can only be described as a ‘deluge’ of emails with titles such as “FWD: FWD: MUST READ SO CUTE!!!!!!” and “Sooooo true, fwd to friends!”, I’d had enough. I put my mother in the spam folder. That was the day when I truly considered myself to have reached adulthood.


Facebook Both of my parents detest Facebook. This is possibly to my benefit, as I can avoid them seeing snapshots of my weekend intoxication. However, they refuse to use Facebook not because it is ‘too complicated’ or because they can’t see any tangible benefits, but rather because they worry about the amount of ‘crotchshots’

Despite my argument that you choose what to put on social media, my parents were not convinced. “What if someone gets a picture of your willy and puts it on Facebook?” and ‘dickpix’. They lamented, “Why would anyone want to go on and look at other people’s information... everyone is going to end up seeing everyone’s willies.” Despite my argument that you choose what to put on social media, they were not convinced. “What if someone gets a picture of your willy and puts it on Facebook?” I questioned where anyone would get a photo of my willy from. “We have baby photos of you naked,” they shot back, “they could get it and put online”. Who are “they”? The

Thought Police from George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four? At this point, I wondered how they thought the exchanging of information occurs. It seems as though they believed that once you are on a social-media site, everything you own or think about becomes public knowledge like some proto-socialist cyber commune where information is shared at a greater frequency than a Kim Kardashian sex tape. I declined to debate further with them about information privacy because I valued my sanity. Sidenote: If my Mum was on Facebook, she would be one of those people who would ‘like’ The Pakeha Party page, while sharing pictures from pages such as “Paul Henry for Governor General”, so perhaps it is a good thing that my parents have such derision for social media.

YouTube The final element of internet literacy I tried to instil was the use of YouTube. For most of us, YouTube is an important medium for watching old people falling over, poor-quality footage from Beyoncé concerts, or an overweight man’s chair breaking on live television (look it up, it is fucking phenomenal). However, my mum refuses to acknowledge the YouTube is for anything other than American Idol videos. She remains one of the four people in the world who have not switched their reality singing-show allegiance to The Voice. Before she found On Demand, she would call YouTube the “American Idol machine”, before beginning a long, well-researched rant about how the show was better, “before Simon left; he was the only one that knew what he was talking about”. So, the moral of the story is, when the older generation ask for help with technology, make like Usain Bolt and run the fuck away.



Pulling an all-nighter

Finding herself in a tricky situation, one first-year student turned to prostitution to pay off her "stupid debt". By day, she is a Politics student with a part-time job at a café; by night, she is Felicity*. Salient talked to Felicity about the ups and downs of life as a working girl. How did you get started in this line of work? I started a few weeks ago. I used to work in hospitality, and had always bartended. There was an ad for a bar job, but when I got there the manager said: “I’ve got a few positions available bartending, but you can actually make so much money...” So I could earn $13 an hour, or I could earn $130 an hour, so I said yes straight away. I’m not a person who really enjoys sex at all. I enjoy sex if it’s with my boyfriend, but I’m just not a really sexual person. There’s a pole in the lounge and all the girls get on it, but that’s just not me. When I signed my contract I actually vomited. It’s my body and soul. They tell you: “Think that you’re someone else, you’re not this girl. Work is work; money is money.” I really, really needed the money, because I’m going away, and I had a few stupid debts that I needed to pay off. I have goals; I didn’t just start doing this because I like sex. This is very out-of-character for me. After that, I went on my trial straight away and got booked twice. Guys come into the lounge, and there’s a computer where they just choose you. It’s so weird. All the girls just sit there and the guys either come to you or you go to them. I would never approach them. So the guys just come up to


you and book you—there’s a standard room, a spa room... but some girls get booked for five hours! What do you do? They’re not even all-that—I’m not all-that either—but they’re not! How good is the money? I’m not the kind of girl that will come up to you and then just hustle hustle hustle, but some girls make a grand a night—on a Tuesday! So there’s quite a lot of hustle involved? Yep. You can charge for kissing, you can charge for them touching you. What you’re obliged to do when you get paid is a massage—but that never happens, even though I give a really good massage! So you have a massage, you have sex with them, and you give them a blow job or a hand job. That’s the standard. If they want to touch you or whatever, you can charge for that. People are actually like, “But I want to please you!” and I say “Okay, that’s $100.” Cha-ching! How much do you charge for kissing? $70. Is that too much? $70’s the lowest but I always say “$100... Okay, $85... Okay, last chance, $70.” Does management set the rates or do you set your own rates?

With extras, you hustle as much as you can. But they have a set rate. If a guy comes in he’ll pay $260 an hour—some people pay that much money for sex! So we get half of that; we get paid $130 an hour, and they take a shift fee as well. Once you’re in the room, you hustle as much as you can. Not that I do, but some of the girls get $700 in tips. Do you feel safe when you’re working? Can you refuse clients? Yes, you can refuse clients, but of course, you’re a “Gentleman’s Club”; you can’t just say, “Fuck that”, you have to be discreet about it, and tell your manager. If there’s ever a problem, you can run out and run to the reception. There’s an intercom in every room; you can always ask for help. They make you feel comfortable and safe, but of course you can’t help it when sometimes it’s just really bad. I had one client and I actually just cried. It was terrible—it was the worst sex of my life. It was disgusting, it was scary, he was ugly, he was fat, but I just had to think about the money. Even if I tell myself, “This is work, this is work”, I will always have that voice in my head, and I don’t want to lose it—the voice that tells me, “This is weird.” I might be part Felicity, but I don’t want to lose the other me as well. Do you ever find it pleasurable? Do you find any of your clients interesting? There is a huge variety of guys out there. You’d be surprised; there are some guys who come in there and they just need company. I think they feel bad because they think I’m too cute, or something. With some guys, I actually just sit there and we talk, talk, talk. There’s one who is really good-looking, and I’m like, “Why did you come here? You could so easily get laid



anyway.” I think he’s going through a bad patch, or something. There was one guy who just couldn’t get it up. Those are the best kinds of customers because you just sit there and you get paid. And so this one guy was just like, “I just can’t do this eh, I’m real drunk”, so we got into talking, and he asked what I did. I’m a really honest person, so I just told him that I wasn’t planning on doing this forever. But then he was like: “You’re so honest I just got really turned on.” And I was just like, “Oh fuck,” but it wasn’t too bad. If I get my head into it, sometimes I enjoy it, but because it’s work there’s always that person inside of me saying: “This is just work”. I can never really enjoy it. It’s a stranger. Usually I’m just glad it’s over.

The only person who I told is my gay best friend back home. He knows about ‘Felicity’. He’s the only person who I can talk to about it, but I think it’s a really big eye-opener—it’s a big issue. This is real. When I told him, at first there was a long silence, and then he said: “It doesn’t change anything. You’re in a lot of shit, and I wish I could help you, but for me, nothing has changed.” It’s hard to lie to my other friends, but I don’t think I will tell anyone else. Except for this interview, which has been a relief to do; to get it out there. I know that some girls will consider doing this—if you’re in really deep financial shit like me, maybe, but otherwise I don’t think it’s worth it.

Even if I tell myself “This is work”, I don’t

want to lose the voice that tells me “This

is weird.” I might be part Felicity, but I don’t want to lose the other me as well.

Has the experience changed your perception of men? Yeah. What I’ve realised about men, is that everyone has a story. You don’t know how they got fucked up like that. I will be more careful with men, because you don’t know how they are—you need to get to know them better. I will not drop into the next relationship that comes along. In the meantime, I will just make the most money I can, while I can. Of course, the money will always be tainted, but I’ve just told myself that once I’ve worked and paid my debts off, that’s it for me. I’m done. I will keep my friends [at work], I will stay in contact with them, but that’s it for me. I don’t count the guys that I’ve been with, because that’s sad. And it will have taught me that you should never judge a prostitute, because everyone has their reason. I think that’s the most important thing I’ve learned—never to judge anyone. Some guys look like hobos but actually have massive dicks. Do you ever have female clients? No. But you get paid more if you do bi-doubles, with one of the other girls. Is staying up late working impacting on your studies? Definitely. Management is really pushy, but you <<<

have to fight back—that’s what the girls taught me. If it’s your priority, uni comes first. I used to do four days straight; I’d start at 10 in the evening and finish at like 7 in the morning. Most of the time, you just sit there doing nothing. You’re not getting anything done—you only have three clients, and it’s shit. I work at a café as well, but I can’t tell them I have another job. So if I started there at 7 and finished at 6 I would just go straight to my other work, and then uni on top of that as well—that’s what I did for the first two weeks and I just couldn’t focus. Now I’ve worked

it out so I only need to work every other day and even bring some of my materials to read. You spend a shit load of time just waiting for people who want to have sex with you to book you. Apart from the long hours, has it had any negative effects on you? It will change how I think about sex. I don’t think of work sex as real sex—I don’t count it. I know that the next time I have real sex I will be a different person. Are many of the other girls students as well? Yes, one of them I know because she does the same paper as me. Some of them I’ve made really good friends with; some are Bio majors, and so on. The main thing I’ve learned over the past few weeks is to never judge a book by its cover. Never. Everyone has a reason for being there. The stereotypes are bad—the things people assume about you. One guy booked me and said: “So where’s your pipe?” You’re so stereotyped. It’s really sad, but that’s how society works. [People assume that] we are crack whores. I’ve made friends with some of the girls and we go out together—to dinners, and for coffee—and then you realise it’s normal. Well, not normal, but you know. Do many people know?

If you’re thinking about it... don’t do it. Or talk to me first! The money is very very very very tempting, but in saying that, I will never get those hours of my life back that I spent... you know. Especially for the bad experiences. It will change my life from the time I signed that line and sold my soul. It’s never going to be the same; you’re never going to be the same person. If you’re not as strong as me, it will break you. You will either get really sucked into it, or break down. That’s my advice: think about it. But you don’t regret it? No, I’m in it already. I can’t wash my hands of it now. I’m in it, so I may as well just make the most of it now. Once I’m finished, that’s it. This is real, and it’s scary, but I can’t say I regret it. *Name has been changed to protect identity.

Want to learn more? Head to the VUWSA Women’s Week Sex Work Panel Discussion this Tuesday at 5.30 pm in Meeting Room 3, Student Union Building.

read more online For the full version of this interview, head to



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What got you started home-brewing in the first place? I first started when I moved in with Dylan [Shearer, a co-founder of Funk Estate and Vic graduate]; he was already really into it and had been doing it for a couple of years, and it’s something that I’d always wanted to do. He was able to show me the ropes and get me started, so it was something that we did together. That then led on to meeting the other guys. A lot of Funk Estate’s recipes were originally developed when you were home-brewing; how do you create new flavours and work out new styles to try out?

founder of Funk Estate,] had brewed with Shiggy, Shiggy had brewed with Dylan, and Dylan had brewed with me. What we say on the side of our bottles is that we’re “connected through a series of collaborative home-brews”. So there was kind of that chain, and that's how we all came together. We were all brought in for different reasons and had different roles within the company.

Beervana last year. That's probably the biggest one. We also picked up the People's Choice Award at the City of Ales in Auckland recently. Those were for two different beers. We also picked up a medal in the Brewers Guild Awards last year, which was quite cool for us because we'd only done a couple of batches of beer at that point.

And you've been brewing under the label since May last year?

In terms of starting and running a business, do you feel like your Finance degree prepared you at all for that, or have you learned on the job?

We were blown away by the response. We didn't

It all just starts off with a style—you decide what style of beer you want to make. Generally, that’s what sort of beers you like drinking yourself, because it’s all an endgame kind of thing: you want to have beer that you yourself want to drink. But then you also get random ideas for random flavours or extra little additions that might be interesting, or creative or challenging, and you just kind of add that into the mix as you go.

really expect it to be as

big as it was, and continue

What was your favourite home-brew creation? That would have to be a Peanut Butter Porter. How did you go from home-brewing to deciding to launch your own label? Shiggy [Takagi, co-founder of Funk Estate] had been doing it for a while, and he decided he was pretty good at it, and Dylan felt the same. Shiggy was looking to assemble a team to work with and build a beer-related company. Dan [Lord, co-


to be as big as it is. Yep, we had our first public launch in May last year; the whole sort of process kicked off before that, but officially I guess, we're just over a year old. Were you surprised by the response you had at your launch and how well the label's been received since then? Yep. We were blown away. We didn't really expect it to be as big as it was, and continue to be as big as it is. It has been a really positive experience and we've been received really well. And you've picked up a few awards? Yep. We won the People's Choice Award at

I think a Finance degree helps, and there's things from that that I've used, but I wouldn't say it directly translates to being able to run a business, and I do think a lot of that comes down to your personality and your ability to adapt to certain situations. An aptitude more than a degree translates to being able to do it. What plans do you have on the horizon for Funk Estate?

Just keep making good beer and see how far we can get. What's your advice for people wanting to get started in home-brewing or home-brewers looking to up their game? Just get amongst it and give it a go. It's a really cool thing to be a part of and do. Want to try it for yourself ? Funk Estate’s Parleyer is now on tap at The Hunter Lounge! Interested in brewing your own? Newtown’s The Brew House has everything you need to get started.


ϟ • FEATURES <<<



ly Week


flatmate wanted

By Hugo McKinnon

“Yea dude, ‘Someday’.”

I moved into a building in an ominous alleyway behind Nando’s, and now I only have one kidney and four lungs (I’m good at haggling, and thought they might go nicely with the lounge suite).

“Come on, just bloody-well tell me what it is.” “‘Someday’!” Hugo puts a sheet on his head, exits stage left.

22 July: I notice a suspicious-looking crack in my bedroom. “Guys, there’s nowhere to hide in my room during an earthquake.” “Hide under the coffee table.” “Good idea, I’ve been practicing my limbo.”

Making friends is hard.

Advantages of putting a sheet on your head: - Look like a ghost (good for haggling with back-alley surgeons). - Avoid eye contact with nearly everyone. Disadvantages of putting a sheet on your head: Look like a ghost (ignore if people tend to look right through you anyway).

“I am never going back in my room after this,” I declare.

Dejected, I stand in the lounge, an aftershock rattles the building, the energy to dive for cover gone. It rains. “Prince George is actually probably my fave royal,” says Laura. Peri peri wafts through the window in a concentration 12 times the recommended dosage. You know, I felt very silly about all my hang-ups after those earthquakes. When the planet is trying to kill you, it seemed a bit pointless to stand around being nervous and self-conscious. Why did I distance myself from other people? Maybe I could just let my prejudices go for one moment and make a genuine human connection with someone. It could be over anything, as long as I let a person show me who they really are without judgment.

“I feel like watching the royal wedding,” says Laura.

“Hey Laura, do you think that when it’s raining it’s because Kate and William are having a bad day?”

“They cancelled it after the pilot.”

“Fuck you, Hugo.”

“I bought it on DVD. Do you think they’ll name the baby Spencer?” Hugo returns promptly to his room. Flicks light switch, light bulb falls to floor. Contents of room:  Three light switches, two lights, both one functional.  Curtain where door should be.  Walls made of cupboards. Frankly (I assume that’s your name), retreating behind the curtain is a bit like putting a sheet on my head, standing in the Hub and yelling: “Will you all please be quiet, I’m just trying to have some ‘me’ time.” Consequently, I’ve been going through a phase medically known as ‘getting into Home and Away’ and I’m very close to choosing my favourite Kardashian.


Anyway, Frankly, where was I? I’ve opted to leave the curtain open a lot in an effort to make new friends. There’s one girl who comes over a lot. She loves One Direction, but hates answering difficult questions. “If you could only have four members of One Direction with you on a desert island, who would you leave off? I’d pick Zach or Henry, they’re too cocky for me.” “You’re a bastard.” “You look like a Hanson brother.” I think I’m funny. She got white-girl wasted* and sprayed me with Justin Bieber’s ‘Someday’. I smelt like a 14-year-old girl for a week and noone would listen to my explanation. “What’s that smell man?” “‘Someday’.” “What? Mate, just tell me now.”

“You’re not invited to my party.” *A real term people use. Disclaimer: Flatmates ridiculously lovely, flat actually pretty ideal. A++ would trade again. 'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact nz to run riot.



mad science


why does it always brain on me?

bent blood

By Caitlin Craigie

By Matthew Ellison

There are many reasons why you could be feeling low right now. Perhaps you went to Briscoes on the one day a year that a sale wasn’t on. Perhaps you had placed all your bets on Kim and Kanye’s child being called South West. Or worse still, perhaps you missed out on cheap wine at the Mill and had to fork out $10.99 a bottle at New World instead. Regardless, science shows that often the culprit for your misery can actually be your own brain.

If you are a man, and you sucked a dude’s dick with a condom on it four years ago, and have tested negative to every STI every six months since, then you can’t give blood. If you are in a monogamous gay male relationship, get tested regularly, and use a condom every time, you can’t give blood. If you’re a woman who, in the last 12 months, has had sex with a man who has ever had sex with another man, you aren’t allowed to give blood. If you are a man, and have had unprotected sex with ten different women in the last ten days, none of whom you’d met before, or talked to about blood-borne diseases, then this doesn’t exclude you from giving blood in New Zealand.

Like any Law lecturer marking exams, the human brain focusses on the negative first. Research subjects shown pictures of angry and happy faces identified the angry faces much faster. So fast, in fact, that the participants had no conscious recollection of ever having seen the faces. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view, as we needed the ability to spot threats quickly. Giggling at cave-art comic strips instead of running from the sabre-tooth was a sure way to end up dead. On the bright side, the effect seems to reverse as we get older, hence the compulsive need to talk about how amazing things were “back in my day”. Your brain is a real nasty piece of work—the Draco Malfoy of organs, if you like. Not only does it focus on the negative first, but your attempts to suppress negative thoughts only make them stronger. Think of something really depressing—a kitten drowning. Try to get a really clear picture of it in your mind. Now use all of your powers of concentration to eliminate all traces of them from your mind. Did it work? Probably not. Psychologists call these ‘ironic’ thought processes, whereby an individual's deliberate attempts to suppress or avoid certain thoughts (thought suppression) render those thoughts more persistent. Mature adults like ourselves (excluding some of the Overheard @ Vic crowd) would also rather be unhappy than uncertain. While the teenage brain craves risk-taking, the older you get, the tendency is that you become more risk-averse and so can miss out on rewards. The key to happiness, according to a joint University of Chicago and Shanghai Jiaotong University study, is to keep busy. Their volunteers were given a survey, and then given the option of either waiting 15 minutes, or walking to a nearby location to drop it off such that walking there and back would take 15 minutes. Volunteers who chose to walk were found to be happier than those who chose to stay idle. So there you have it—while your brain will continue to be a dick, there is a solution. <<<

Does that seem right to you? A review of the exclusion criteria for blood donations in New Zealand was completed for the New Zealand Blood Service in 2008, and this review recommended reducing the deferral period for men who have had sex with another man from ten to five years, meaning that if you really wanted to give blood, you could abstain from oral or anal sexual contact with another man for five years. Unsurprisingly, this hasn’t really changed the numbers of queer men who can donate. HIV/AIDS was clinically identified in 1891, and has since been stigmatised as The Gay Disease, significantly influencing attitudes to queer men’s blood. However, when Australia switched from an indefinite deferral for men who have sex with men, to a (still very long) 12-month deferral, there was no statistically significant increase in the cases of HIV-positive blood donations. Five years for NZ is excessive, and smacks of gay panic and the lingering stigma of unclean gay blood. The criteria are comprehensive in many areas, but when it comes to behaviour related to sexuality, it is overly simplistic. The New Zealand Blood Service makes no distinction between safe and unsafe sex, which has at least twice as much of an impact as the gender of your partners. The number of people you’ve slept with makes a difference to risk, but that’s not asked either, nor are you asked if you’ve been tested, and no distinction is made between oral and anal sex, despite the huge difference in HIV-transmission probability. But God forbid you sucked a dick one time. Why not ask the questions, allow a wider group of people to donate (and in doing so reduce discrimination), and do more thorough tests on blood according to risk factors identified in the questionnaire? There are ways of managing blood donations that are less homophobic than the status quo.



Things That Go Bump In The Night with Lux Lisbon & Seymour Butts Balls - What do you even do with them? This is a bit of a tough one to answer. I’m not entirely sure what angle this question is being asked from, so let’s cover as much as we can. If it wasn’t for balls, none of us would be here. At the most basic level, testicles are the two oval organs packaged up in a man’s scrotum, which hangs behind the penis. Personally, I think we could say that a man’s balls are the unsung hero of the male anatomy. Whether you have your very own set of testicles to play with, or are lucky enough to be playing with a friend’s, I have four magic words for you: DON’T FORGET THE BALLS. It’s true that most of the time, men are very protective of their family jewels, and it’s commonly understood we must treat them much like baby animals—no quick movements, don’t squeeze them too hard or they will get frightened... But when a man is sexually aroused, his balls can withstand a bit more force, and it is most likely he will appreciate you giving them a bit of attention. Firstly, do what you are comfortable with; maybe this means just holding them firmly in your hand—but there are plenty of other options if you are open to them! It is easiest and most effective to incorporate the balls while giving oral sex because they’re right there in front of your face and you have your hands free for the most part. Start with holding them in your hand, massaging them and tugging on them a bit. It’s a great idea to get them wet, spit on them or take them in your mouth for the best response. By all means, if your arms are long enough, or the position you are in permits, give his balls a little attention while engaging in penetrative sex as well, if you feel so inclined.

There are also plenty of sex toys on the market specifically for a man’s junk. Cockrings sit snug around his balls to help maintain a firm erection, and many come with additional bells and whistles to help increase a partner’s pleasure at the same time. This may be a fun way to experiment with something new, exciting and a little ballsy in the bedroom. Lux you long time, xx

Can you tell me about anal douching? How to douche, how not to douche, or whether to even douche at all? Warm regards, Empty Douchebag.

Dear Empty Douchebag, Anal douching is one of those things that mostly comes down to personal preference. For most butt-related sexual activities, it’s not a necessity—if you make sure you’ve gone to the toilet in the few hours before doing it in the butt then you shouldn’t have a problem. Butt stuff will sometimes involve some small quantity of crap, like a little under your fingernail, or around a ridge on a toy. Most people just accept this as part of the deal, as for them douching isn’t worth the inconvenience, but if you’re anal about cleanliness, then maybe douching is for you! How to Douche: The No-Shit Guide Use lukewarm water—there are few temperature or pain sensors in your butt, and it won’t always be immediately obvious to you if you’re using water that’s too hot and is damaging you. Cold water will be

uncomfortable. Don’t use soap! It will irritate your rectal and colonic lining, making it more susceptible to tearing and infection. Excessive douching can cause irritation by stripping the lining, so don’t go overboard. There are two devices you can use—a bulb douche or shower douche. There are also two levels of thoroughness—you can clean out just your rectum, which will be enough for taking a regular-to-large dick, or cleaning out your colon (similar to an enema) for a really big dick, or other similarly deep probing activity. For either of these, it’ll be more comfortable to use water-based lube on the insertable part of your douching apparatus. If you’re just douching your rectum (the less invasive method) then you don’t want to overfill it, so keep the water pressure low if you’ve got a shower-hose attachment! Hold the water inside you for 15-20 seconds before evacuating into a toilet—you’re not trying to strip away everything, just remove any small debris clinging to the rectal wall. Repeat until the water coming out is clear. If you’re cleaning your colon too, use a few bulbs worth of water, or hold the nozzle in for longer (if you’re using a shower douche). Hold the water inside for 15-20 seconds again, and massage your stomach to loosen clumps stuck to your intestine walls. Evacuate, and repeat, as above. With this method, go slow, and make sure you’ve got all the water out! There are kinks in the large intestine, and water can stick around to come out later. This is not a process to be rushed. Warm regards, Seymour Butts X

Lux and Seymour are our in-house sexperts. If you've got any questions about all things

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with

love and lust, or a topic you want them to cover, go right ahead and ask anonymously

a professional, rather than Lux and Seymour, or Hector and Janet, Student Counselling

at For everything else, there's Hector and Janet—our resident

Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free

advice columnists. Contact them anonymously at

and confidential.

Phone: (04) 463 5310 Email: Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.




e f i L r u o Y g n i Fix


"Is it inappropriate to want to sleep with your tutor? Even if he is your age and rather attractive? How does one go about initiating such a rendezvous?"

Janet Well, isn’t this a pretty picture. Sounds pretty normal to me: like Daniel Radcliffe once said on Rove, “intelligence is sexy”. Regrettably, whether something is commonplace almost never indicates whether it’s appropriate. I like to think of myself as a facilitator. Who better for me to forward this to than some conventionally attractive tutors? One of them is probably the object of lust about which this letter was written—doesn’t that just get you going. Anyway, I asked them to tell me what they thought of your question. Don’t blame me if you don’t like the answer.

kind of social contact”, but even that sounds like a fob-off to me. I’ve got to admit, I’m pretty pissed off. I thought I’d get some decent stories and all I’ve done is expose the stringent professionalism of tutors at Victoria University. “When considering trying to pull your tutor,” said one of the aforementioned sages, “assuming you have the necessary smarts, looks and personal hygiene to succeed, think to yourself, ‘do I want my name to be involved when my tutor declares a conflict of interest when marking my work?’” As arguments go, this is the king-hit. Tutors are not RAs, you know—they have to declare it. And the answer is no. You don’t. Of course, you can go for them, and you’re probably going to do so regardless of all the groundbreaking research I put into this column. Just wait. Wait until after they’ve stopped being your tutor. Wait until you’re not going to put them in an awkward position. Wait until you’ve had five drinks and they’ve had eight.

They all started off with professional disclaimers, like “I’ve never been attracted to my students”, “feelings are for outside the classroom”, and “I get changed into damp underwear for tutorials specifically to avoid erections”. How’s that for integrity?

Namaste, Janet.

Regrettably, when I asked them to “dig it in, muppets”, they gave me the following suggestions on how to pull your tutor. Go to office hours and warm up to them. Do the readings. Participate in tutorials. Do well in your assignments. Avoid staring into middle distance. Regularly (high standards much?!?) demonstrate cutting insight with an air of nonchalance.

Look, Janet’s given you some pretty sound reasons as to why you shouldn’t go ahead with this. Frankly, if you’re attracted to someone who has the requisite lame-itude and lack of social graces to actually become a tutor, then in my opinion you’re beyond hope. Just kidding, I’m not an anti-intellectual—many of my friends are tutors, and I’m not even a member of Overheard @ Vic. Honest!

The inevitable and somewhat sad conclusion is this. All of the above are just ploys to get you to do better in your courses. Read those ‘tips’ again. They genuinely care about your education. It really doesn’t sound as though they want to sleep with you. One of them half-heartedly said you might “engineer some

Still, if you want to pash your tutor, and you just can’t wait until the end of the semester (which, incidentally, is Good Advice), then here are some things you could try. First, if they give you a bad mark, you can always play the sympathy card. We’ve all heard rumours. Second, remember that they’re <<<

Hector Hey champ.

probably not going to be interested in a sober hook-up, the first time around at least. There are just way too many negatives to that decision for a rationally acting tutor to willingly go through with it. Besides, this is New

If all else fails, just assume an air of intellectual superiority and exchange knowing glances when your classmates give terrible answers. Zealand. Nobody hooks up sober. So, based on their demographic, work out which bars they will be frequenting and get your prowl on. If you’re in GeoSoc, you probably have a fairly strong relationship with them already. Sneak some conversation-starting granulite rocks into the next keg party and wait for the funnel to come out. If you’re of the Arts persuasion, all you have to do is attempt to out-hipster them in the corridors of Fairlie Tce. Are The Shins still a thing? Even if they aren’t, the Film Festival is usually lousy with those Honours types, so happy hunting. If they’re a Law or Commerce tutor then I can’t help you. Most of them are either far too maternal or sexually disinterested to be worth chasing. If all else fails, just assume an air of intellectual superiority and exchange knowing glances when your classmates give terrible answers. Worst-case scenario, you end up as the subject of their Facebook status which gets 24 likes. Your commitment to chasing only the unattainable worries me, Hector.



LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR & THE STUDIOUS Illustrations By Graydon Hayes

a Nigell t den Lawstu

Tofu or not Tofu Burgers with marinated tofu and hummus By Eve Kennedy Despite the common misconception, tofu is not just food for vegans, or even vegetarians. It's an excellent source of protein for even the most blood-hungry amongst us. The problem with tofu is that you need to imbue flavour into it; it's extremely bland if you just cook it without adding flavour. The easiest way to do this is with a marinade. Overnight is ideal.

Marinated tofu: Packet of firm tofu


3 tablespoons soy sauce

1 tablespoon honey

2 teaspoons crushed garlic

1 small chilli, finely chopped

1 teaspoon crushed ginger

Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl. Slice the tofu into 1 cm– wide strips. Place the strips into a small dish and pour the marinade over. Leave in the fridge for <1 hour.

Homemade burger buns: 3/4 to 1 cup lukewarm water

1 tablespoon instant yeast

2 tablespoons oil

One egg yolk

3 1/2 cups flour

Sesame or poppy seeds, grated

1/4 cup sugar

cheese (optional)

1 1/4 teaspoons salt

Fry the tofu at a medium-high heat. The tofu will go brown and crispy on the outside.

Hummus: 1 can chickpeas, drained &

3 tablespoons olive oil


¼–½ cup water

2 tablespoons tahini

Salt, pepper, spices to taste

Mix the water, yeast and sugar in a large bowl. Leave to froth in a warm place for 5 minutes. Add the rest of the ingredients and mix well with a wooden spoon. Turn out onto the bench and knead until the dough is soft and silky; about 10 minutes' worth. Put it back in the bowl and cover it. Put it in a warm place and leave to rise for an hour or two. Give the dough a quick knead again to deflate it. Divide it into 8–12 pieces. Form these into balls and flatten into discs on a

Blend all of the ingredients until paste-like, choosing your own spices to your taste. I like to use 1 tablespoon cumin seeds roasted with whole garlic cloves and coriander seeds then blended, but go crazy! Also, try adding some sundried tomatoes.

floured oven tray. Leave to rise again for an hour. Brush the beaten

I served my burgers with tofu, hummus, cheese and salad leaves

egg yolk over the top. Sprinkle with seeds or grated cheese if

tossed with balsamic vinegar and lemon juice; and sides of roast

desired. Bake at 180º for 15–18 minutes or until cooked.

vegetables and Moroccan couscous salad—delicious!




Health tip # 17


Exercise regularly for a better mood and better bangin’


There are many benefits to getting regular exercise— some are obvious: improved fitness and weight loss— but did you also know that exercise contributes to better sex, better sleep, and a better mood? Get your 30 minutes a day today!

Things Your

people hooked on beer. I’ve had friends and

beer'd By Dylan Jauslin The ultimate goal of any good brewer when they set out to create a new beer is balance. The subtle interplay of hop and malt, of bitterness and sweetness, of alcohol and yeast; these are the hallmarks of great brewing. But you know what? Sometimes as

customers converted to beer by the fruity, bitter bite of a big IPA, the intense roasted coffee and chocolate of an Imperial Stout, or

diving in the deep end, and it can be quite effective. So what extreme beers might be good for the uninitiated to try?

Extreme Hops – 8 Wired

soothe my taste buds. I want a beer that’s

ultra-fruity beer, like an angry fruit salad,

going to casually reach out and rip my face

made by adding more hops than is sensible.

weird and unusual beers. The ultra-strong, the uber-hoppy, the pitch-black, the smoked, and the sour: I like beers that push the very boundaries of what beer can be. Extreme beers are often maligned by drinkers and brewers as ‘out of balance’, or ‘stunt beers’ intended to impress beer geeks. And this is kind-of true (but also kind-of the point). There is, however, a virtue that extreme beers have: because they can be so unusual and ‘out-there’ in flavour, they can occasionally be excellent gateway beers. A gateway beer is a beer that ‘converts’ the non-beer-drinker into an enthusiast. And usually they tend to be fairly innocuous

By Alexandra Hollis

the beer equivalent of learning to swim by

Superconductor IIPA. This is a bitter and

You see, I’m an extremophile. I like crazy,

Have Taught You

the palate-stripping acidity of a Sour Ale. It’s

a drinker, I don’t want a beer that’s going to

off. With flavour.

Grandmother Should

Extreme Dark – Liberty Never Go

Back. A silky-smooth stout, so dark that light cannot escape its surface. It’s like an iron fist, wearing a velvet glove.

Extreme Malt – Yeastie Boys Rex

Attitude. A deceptively pale beer, that smells like burning tyres. Rex is made from peatsmoked distillers malt (like Islay Whisky). You’ll probably hate it, but it might just be the best beer you’ve ever tasted.

Extreme Sour - Mussel Inn Lean Lamb.

Now this is a weird beer. The sourness

comes from a mixture of wild yeasts and bacteria. I find it odd but surprisingly refreshing.

Reheating pizza: Unless you like your pizza plasticy with a hint of cardboard, reheat in the oven, not the microwave. Microwaving overheats the cheese, making it bubble up into a solidified mess, and hardens the crust. Baking in the oven for 10/15 minutes (~140ºC) should do it; depends on how melted you like your cheese. Stale bread: Make panzanella! Chop up tomatoes, red onion, and cucumbers and toss with small chunks of bread in a 1:2 red wine vinegar:olive oil mixture. Leave for 20/30 minutes, then add basil. Graham cracker crust: Some American recipes (usually for pies) call for a graham cracker crust, which is super easy, except that we don’t have graham crackers in NZ. Wheat digestive biscuits work as an okay substitute but if the recipe you’re using (there are hundreds online) doesn’t call for cinnamon, add some. Make sure your pie dish is well buttered before pressing the mixture in.

beers: low in strength with unchallenging

Start here and keep exploring. You may

flavours. Emerson’s Bookbinder is the

find the beer-love of your life, or it may be a

Don’t know what to cook?

classic example.

disaster. Either way though, it won't be boring!

But sometimes, the other end of the spectrum can be just as effective at getting <<<



ARTS SALIENT ARTS RATING GUIDE: 5 stars - The Great Gatsby, 4 stars - Tender is the Night, 3 stars - The Last Tycoon, 2 stars - The Beautiful and The Damned, 1 star - This Side of Paradise, 0 Stars - alcoholism.

music 


Elise Munden

Many a fine musician can be found amidst the depths of Bandcamp and SoundCloud, yet the feeling of elation when one discovers a truly incredible artist on these websites is surely comparable to Neil Armstrong’s first steps on the moon. This was the emotion elicited during my first listening of Randa’s single ‘Orange Juice’, and then over and over again as I heard each of the tracks listed on her Lunchbox EP. The milieu of jingly piano riffs, syncopated beats, Friends references and fluorescent sportswear combine to distinguish Randa as an old soul making music from a decade long since dead.

like the whole Kreayshawn, Danny Brown, Das Racist thing. E: So pretty aggressive stuff would you say? M: I think some of it, but I remember there was this track called ‘McDonalds’ by Hodgy Beats and he was talking about his dream. He said “blue is purple is purple is pink” or something; it was really weird and it wasn’t even super-catchy or anything, it was just really different. It felt like listening stuff, like it didn’t even make me wanna dance, it was just cool and exciting. [Srsly guiz, check out that song. You can really hear how her music developed out of that style.] E: Your connection in Wellington is Totems, so do you plan on working with him again?

When interviewing the Auckland rap artist, Maynard (ima call her Maynard, because we totally reached first-name basis) initially appeared to be a shy girl swamped in an oversize jacket and just barely peeping out from behind her Buddy Holly frames. But soon after my over-enthusiasm to become BFFLs was made clear, we eased into the kind of sober, friendly chatting that you wish would last until dawn.

M: Yeah, I guess if anything comes up. That was kind of how it was with the ‘Frankenstein’ track; it was really chill. I had met him a couple of times and he said, “Feel free to use any of my beats.” So I made a demo and he was really nice about it, so I put the song out on SoundCloud in January and it was good!

Elise: Which artists are you inspired by?

E: How was it working with Randa on various tracks?

Maynard: Well, in the beginning, I was really inspired by all the alternative rap, especially stuff coming out of LA and San Francisco, like Odd Future. I think it was the end of 2011, that was when I started getting into heavier stuff. It was


[Totems enters, I ask him for a comment]

TOTEMS: Awesome, it was real awesome; ten out of ten. [Back to Randa]

E: Your lyrics and your whole vibe and visual appearance is very nostalgic of our childhood and the ‘90s in general. What is it about that time period that draws you to it? M: When I was younger I was really into ‘80s movies, when I was about nine, ten or 11. When I was growing up I was always… I don’t know if this is going too deep into it, but especially in my teen years I’ve just always been really uncomfortable in my skin. I mean, being born female and not feeling female, so I just constantly wanted to escape and the ‘90s to me felt safe. When I was a kid, what I didn’t have was worries and concerns that I had when I was 15 to 17. So I think a lot of it’s that, and it’s just a really colourful and attractive era in general. It’s not super-progressive but it’s still kind of… I dunno haha. E: Based on your last comment, do you work closely with LGBT communities? M: I’m not super-out publically, just because it’s a tricky situation putting music out. Especially recently, because it’s been really fresh and it’s like there is a whole new audience and I’d be worried about… I don’t know how to say it. I do identify as trans*, like female to male I feel like I’m transitioning, but it’s all quite recent too. So I’m kind of exploring gender and trying to find where I fit. It’s been pretty trippy this year. But music helps. Writing is part of what helped me get to that point in my mind where I started to understand things.



books 

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Ben Fountain review

Gabrielle Beran

Billy Lynn is 19 years old. He’s under-educated, virginal, with a dad who won’t speak to him and a criminal record for smashing his sister’s ex-boyfriend’s car. Tomorrow he’s going back to war. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, by Ben Fountain, is the story of one afternoon in the lives of Bravo Squad, who have been home from Iraq for two weeks on a PR stint after footage of their daring rescue in the desert went viral. This is one afternoon through the eyes of Billy Lynn. The story flickers briefly back to Billy’s two days at home to colour in the pictures of his family, but most of the action is at Texas Stadium as the squad mixes with millionaires, cheerleaders and everyday Americans at a Dallas Cowboys home game. Ben Fountain uses this stadium—the archetype of American culture—as an arena for asking some of the bigger questions about their love of war (“having served on their behalf as a frontline soldier, Billy finds himself constantly wondering about them. What are they thinking? What do they want? Do they know they’re alive? As if prolonged and intimate exposure to death is what’s required to fully inhabit one’s present

life”), and some of the smaller ones about growing up. Through Billy’s honest, truthful and worried eyes, Fountain presents to the reader the realities of fighting, death and being a terrified man. While it never gets preachy or forces an opinion, the novel produces these ideas and their consequences, perfectly balanced with the banter and jokes of the other Bravo Squad members (“Will Beyoncé show me her tits while sitting on my face” Sykes offers.”) to prevent it getting too heavy or exhausting. This book is a page-turner, but it is difficult to say why. Maybe it is the beautiful writing about such literally and figuratively tough actions, or what a strangely likeable character Billy is, despite his experiences seeming worlds away from ours. The personalities of the characters are expertly revealed in small details which build up to create a comprehensive and characterdriven narrative. The plot arc manages to be a vehicle for something that is philosophical, funny, realistic and constantly surprising. We see Billy wishing for more from this country for which he and his boys have risked, and lost, so much. The novel changed the way I looked at war—not just Iraq—and it brilliantly shows how anyone can be a hero for our times, whether they intended to be or not. It is a youthfully optimistic but, thankfully, never naïve novel, propelled by its honesty and originality.

li twit ure The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe By Alexandra Hollis @lucy_loo: omg you guys #Narnia!! In the wardrobe!! @ peterpensive @pensivesusan @edmundius @pensivesusan: @lucy_loo Lucy what did we say about your imagination. @edmundius: @lucy_loo YEAH LUCY. #idiot @peterpensive: @edmunduis shut up Edmund. @pensivesusan: @edmunduis shut up Edmund. @lucy_loo: @edmunduis fuck up Edmund. @lucy_loo: @fawningfaun44 coming back to see you! @fawningfaun44: @lucy_loo #DaughterofEve from the far land of #SpareOom where eternal summer reigns around the bright city of #WarDrobe, welcome!! @whiteandwitchy: @edmundius hello Son of Adam. I have #turkishdelight @edmundius: @whiteandwitchy sweet. Shame @lucy_loo @lucy_loo: @edmunduis @peterpensive @pensivesusan c’mon guys! Back to #Narnia! @lucy_loo: @fawningfaun44 where are you Mr Tumnus????? @damnbeaver: @lucy_loo @peterpensive @pensivesusan @ edmundius Hello children!! Come into my lair!! It’s okay there’s tea!! @peterpensive: @edmundius wtf Edmund u dick where are you. @edmundius: @peterpensive at @whiteandwitchy’s castle hells yeahhhh #turkishdelight @damnbeaver: GUYS IT’S ASLAN http://instagram. com/p/bl0vXgtUiW/ @asssssslan: hey dudes! Keep up the #fight @whiteandwitchy: Hey @asssssslan... so I have your punk-ass bitch @edmundius @asssssslan: @whiteandwitchy nah man give him up or I’ll #fight u @whiteandwitchy: @asssssslan it’s on @lucy_loo: #noooooooo @peterpensive: #noooooooo @pensivesusan: #noooooooo @edmunduis: #noooooooo @damnbeaver: #noooooooo @chorusofthousands: #noooooooo @asssssslan: dudes it’s #okay nw. @lucy_loo: look it’s @asssssslan!!!! #kitty #cute #cats #lovecats @edmundius: yeah ok that was cool. #Aslan. @peterpensive: #Aslan the mighty is restored. #noble #valour #brave #cute #fluffy #kitten http://instagram. com/p/cki8hdtUhj/# @pensivesusan: omg #Aslan’s back!!!! #aslan keepingthefaith #notachristianmetaphor <<<



film 

The Things I’ve Sean INTERVIEW

Chloe Davies

Sean Baker is the writer and director of Starlet, playing at the NZIFF. The film centres on the friendship between 21-year-old adult-film actress Jane, and elderly Sadie, formed after Jane finds a large stash of cash in a thermos she buys at a yard sale of Sadie’s. What first got you interested in film? That goes way back to when I was six years old. My mother brought me to the local library where they were showing old 16 mm blackand-white clips. From the old universal monster films—Frankenstein and Dracula. It was way back then when I thought, “this is what I want to do.” Throughout growing up I made films on Super 8 and knew that I would want to get into that, and eventually, video came out; I got into that and then I went to NYU for film. So you got most of your film education from NYU or was it mainly self-taught? Self-taught. Like other people my age, we had home video. VHS had a major impact on the home-entertainment world in the ‘80s. It was one day that I went over to the local library, and I picked up a VHS box that had a woman’s knee on the cover and I thought, “that’s a nice poster”, it was Éric Rohmer’s Claire’s Knee. That was my first introduction to the New Wave. That got me really interested in European cinema.

money and the relationship came from an old idea I had called ‘Brick O Brack’, based on a true story that happened to my father’s friend. He found a bunch of cash in a hot water bottle at a yard sale, and my father, being a lawyer, he approached him and asked him the legality of keeping this thing. I had told Chris about it, but it just sat on the back burner. Then, years later, we were working on a comedy show together in LA, and we met a lot of adult-film performers; they were being cast as cameos. I was always very intrigued by their personal lives; the most intimate part of their lives is so public, I wondered what they consider private is. I thought we should do a little cinéma vérité film that follows one of these girls around, and we watch her intimate moments but no more than her doing laundry and talking to her mother who’s in another state. The biggest drama in her life is when she loses her dog for an hour. I pitched that to Chris, he really liked it but suggested I take that old story and combine the two and that’s what we did. I was really happy with that idea.

Do you have any advice for the budding young filmmakers out there? No, I would just say just go ahead and do it and don’t wait. Even if it means shooting stuff on an iPhone. Just remember you have to decide on whether or not you want to become, whether you want to make ‘films’ or whether you want to make ‘movies’. You have to really choose who your audience is and then just go after it at full force. I think that it’s a cliché, but it really is just about doing it and fast and doing it now. Every one of my films I had somebody say, “don’t do it, just wait, save your money,” but for what? So if you’re interested in making films that are going to be playing film festivals, study film festivals and see what types of films are getting in, and what sections and who the programmers are, and start forging relationships and start interning. You guys have such an amazing thing right up there, you can work for Peter. It’s incredible that you have that, it’s really really incredible. That’s like if I grew up in a city where Spielberg was up on a mountain.

What are your views of the film industry where you live, in California? It’s a sad state of affairs. In many other countries there are film funds and there are commissions that have (even though it’s a lottery, at least its there) and it’s money to be given to independent filmmakers. We don’t have anything of the sort.

read more online For the full version of this interview, head to

Would you consider the New Wave a major influence? Yes, French cinema. Growing up it was all genre stuff, very much like Peter Jackson, that sort of thing—bad-taste stuff. It was definitely once I got to that point and discovered world cinema that my tastes went more towards Italian Neorealism, and more so within British Social Realism and Mike Leigh and Ken Loach; I realised that that’s the sort of stuff I wanted to tackle. How did the topic/story come about. Is this something you have always been interested in? That whole side of the story that’s about finding




visual arts 

Living Space Simon Morris and Brenda Sullivan

All There Is Left




Simon Gennard

Enjoy, 31 July–24 August At the risk of undermining my authority as arbiter of taste, I must confess that I only managed to see Simon Morris and Brenda Sullivan’s current collaboration from Enjoy’s foyer. When I showed up, Morris was giving a talk to some of his students, and I didn’t want to interrupt. I have, however, taken time to look at photos of opening night on Facebook and read a pretty detailed press release (in which Enjoy got Simon Morris’s last name wrong, so I guess none of the parties involved are free of fault), so I feel qualified to offer an opinion. Both artists have produced works that respond directly to the space, in an attempt to engage the viewer in a conversation about the gallery as a structure in flux. Morris has previously employed mathematical formulae in the creation of his work as a means of distancing the hand of the artist from the product. Here, the same systems of precision have been used to create a series of wooden furniture without any waste from the source material. This fact hasn’t been emphasised in a way that would make the work a conservationist piece, but it’s highlighted enough to place the object within a tradition of sculpture as both a refashioning of one object into another and as a process of the removal of excess. Sullivan has used similar precision to paint directly onto the gallery walls. The tone and position of the paint is a direct response to Morris’s structures. In combination, the works use the familiarity and functionalism of shape and surroundings to alert the viewer to the imperfections within the space. It’s reminiscent of Billy Apple’s Subtraction in its use of the space not necessarily to make a comment, but to plant a seed of awareness in the viewer.

All There Is Left is on at the Adam Art Gallery until 29 September, and if you’re studying at Kelburn, you have no excuse to miss this. Japanese photographer Lieko Shiga’s work documents the before and after of the 2011 Japanese earthquake, but rather than focussing on the damage, she instead decided to talk about the change. Her photographs are presented alongside pages of her own writing discussing the complexities of the role of photographer and the implications of documentation on the photographer’s relationship with their subject. The exhibition of Shiga’s work is not solely about the process of documentation, but is also a contemplation of the true nature of the photograph and its ability to immortalise moments, changing meaning with context, warping time, and altering how we experience change and ultimately, loss. Reel-Unreel directed by Belgian artist Francis Alÿs, is a continuation of what I believe is the

same concept. Shot in the streets of Kabul in 2011 and first exhibited in 2012, it too weighs up the nature of its own medium, but in a less obvious manner. Created as a reaction to the Taliban’s control of Afghanistan’s film industry, the film’s simplicity is surprising. I took my flatmate to see this exhibition, and we stayed and watched this piece twice. It is mesmerising to say the least. New Zealand artist Paul Johns’ exhibition also speaks of loss, though his work may hit home to some more than others. An odd collection of sparse, framed pieces, tied together for no other reason than that they were all that was salvaged from his studio when it collapsed in the Christchurch earthquake of 2011. Being such a small number of miscellaneous items, thrown together in such a spontaneous yet significant instant, they lead us to understand more about him than he could have told us himself. Now you know these truly are All There is Left.

All There Is Left

Where Apple’s Subtraction was so perplexing that it was almost necessary to look closer, Subtraction is not arresting enough to attract the enquiry it deserves. It’s pleasing enough to look at, but the work seems too comfortable in its place to immediately demand anything from the viewer. <<<



theatre 

PlayShop Live – The Guest Designer Series review

Amy Griffin-Browne

PlayShop Live’s new season, The Guest Designer Series, introduces a new props manager each week who creates props based around audience prompts. These props are meant to be used as the basis of each skit or game in this late-night improvised show. The Guest Designer Series is a mixed lolly bag. You have your standards: your jet-planes as a throng of charming performers. You have your giant-jaffa host to guide you through the show. You have a new game involving lightsabers which doesn’t quite work, but the failure is funny. Let’s equate that to a sherbet fizz. What I expected in my packet of Friday-night delights was something exciting. The new addition of improvised props that makes up The Guest Designer Series meant that I was salivating for some sweet visual gags.

wondering what the purpose of that game was. The props themselves end up at milk-bottle level for me. Good, but not exciting. Guest Designer is non-competitive, which is great for advancing narrative over laughs. It was great to see the performers focus more on having their scenes make sense than vying for the audience's affections. In this way, PlayShop will be able to experiment with some long gags, and perhaps play around with some familiar characters. This new format feels like it needs a bit of exercise out in front of an audience, but has the potential to be tight and clever. Special mention to Tom Clarke for inventing a dystopia and establishing a whole diseaseridden world in one improvised monologue.

Bonus points to Sam Phillips' grin for making everything adorable. Also to Lori Leigh for making a genius phallic joke. The joke was innocent, but it did get me thinking that the PlayShop cast is very sausage-heavy. Where are the PlayShop women? The ladies you have are hilarious, but I would appreciate even more funny femmes on my Fridays. Milk bottles and all, the PlayShop mixed bag is still a delicious experience. Go, indulge, and laugh until you wet yourself a little. PlayShop Live – The Guest Designer Series at The Paramount Theatre every Friday, 10.15 pm. Tickets: Waged $15, Unwaged $12 from

The props were used very actively in some games and in others were just hand-held nuisances. At the start of the show, host Will Robertson asks the audience to give the designers a motivator for their prop construction—one of which ended up being Cats the musical. These starting points are never mentioned again in the show, which left me




music 

Slint - Spiderland (1991) review

philip mcsweeney

Formula for creating the most essential album in the rock canon is as follows: get Will Oldham to suss out the cover art; ensure two of your members are institutionalised during the recording process; take a slab of rock ‘n’ roll, bleach it of all bombast and formula and deface the remains. Rinse. Repeat. Fuck around with crystalline silences (or ‘moments of negative space’), spoken-word narratives with instrumental ‘fill-in-the-gaps’ segments, icecold harmonics. Keep the album playful at the beginning; conclude with one of the most intensecum-powerful-cum-emotionally-strained climaxes heard before or since. Serves multitudes. If you haven’t heard this before, then prepare to lurch about your room to the vaudeville camp of ‘Nosferatu Man’, get seriously introspective throughout the mournful ‘Washer’, feel briefly comforted by ‘For Dinner…’ before ‘Good Morning, Captain’ blows the whole thing out of the fucking water (choice of words here: apt). ‘Don, Aman’, meanwhile, is every shitty party you’ve ever been to (or, perhaps, every good party you’ve felt like shit at), distilled into six minutes of neurotic terror. Have you ever showed a friend a video you thought hilarious only to get stony-faced silence in response? Imagine that moment of awkwardness and panic (“Come on man, not even a chuckle?”) stretched out interminably, mercilessly. It’s such an acute representation of loneliness/alienation that I’d consider using it as a litmus test on people to see if they’re really as hopeless as all that. Dissidents would, of course, be shot. The moments of genius come thick and fast. In ‘Nosferatu Man’, the lyric “I can be settled down / and doing just fine / ‘til I hear that old train / rolling down the line” chills me every time. The three-note progression that comprises ‘Don, Aman’’s segue (at the 2.02 mark, if you want specifics) conjures ominousness perfectly, the Spartan minimalism of the lingering notes powerful enough to (a)rouse Morton Feldman from his grave and adhere to Mark Hollis’ rule: “Before you play two notes, learn how to play one note—and don't play one note unless you've got a reason to play it.” Then there’s the famed climax, the final minute of ‘Good Morning, Captain’ that, in a way, the whole album leads up to. The yowling, distortion-drenched guitars, the abrupt screams of “I MISS YOUUUU” (let’s be real; who doesn’t like a bit of cheese with their wine), <<<

although the song as a whole is successful, not just this moment of instant gratification. It is a wild ride (grab yourself a cold one), infusing nods to The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, a hypnotic riff that distorts, mutates and implodes, drumming that begins endearingly off-kilter and ends up deranged, and an entire minute of tremolo-picked harmonics (a feat that, as guitarists know, is as difficult to pull off as the most elaborate of solos). A couple of other things to note: the liner notes of the CD cheekily insist that the album should be heard on vinyl, and, at the risk of sounding like a purist wanker, I concur. It’s fucking ace on the wax; put it on loud enough and it practically seeps from the walls. It is also appropriately named, an often sinister listen that creepycrawls its way under your skin with gleeful ease. As such, it is accused of being impenetrable, too cold and too minimal for its own good. I’ll level with you – the first time I heard it I loved ‘Good Morning, Captain’ and ‘Nosferatu Man’, but abhorred the rest. Falling in love with it, once it clicked, took mere seconds. Having hopefully convinced you of its brilliance, grant me a personal flourish. If Kid A was the album that converted me from just a guy who really, really liked music into someone head-overheels in love with it, Spiderland was the album that convinced me to explore outside the canon. That it was so close to being left to toil in obscurity (with Steve Albini’s ten-star review, a vocal cult following and the internet saving the day) made me wonder what else was out there, what gems got lost in the shuffle. Also worth mentioning: I have heard this album heaps. I know every drum fill, every snaking guitar line, I can recite the lyrics to ‘Don’ by heart. When I listened to it this morning, I still got goosebumps. Submerge yourself in the sublime— this is a gift that keeps on giving.


What's on Film: Jon Stephenson will make a guest appearance at the Wellington screenings of a new documentary about the role of the media and the military in Afghanistan. He Toki Huna: New Zealand in Afghanistan screens in Wellington at Soundings Theatre, Te Papa on Friday 9 August at 2 pm and Saturday 10 August at 6.15 pm. NZIFF screens in Wellington until 11 August. Tickets are currently on sale through Ticketek.

Books: Monday 12th: Writers on Mondays – Chris Price introduces some of the poets included in the Best New Zealand Poems 2012, including Sarah Jane Barnett, James Brown, Zarah Butcher-McGunnigle, Geoff Cochrane, Siobhan Harvey, Helen Heath, Gregory O'Brien, Harry Ricketts, and Ashleigh Young. 12.15–1.15 pm, Te Papa, Level 4 (The Marae). Wednesday 14th: New Zealand Post Book Awards Poetry Evening – Sarah Jane Barnett (poetry award finalist) and Helen Heath (NZSA Best First Book for Poetry), hosted by Harry Ricketts. 5.30 pm, vicbooks. Friday 16th: New Zealand Post Book Awards Finalists – Gigi Fenster (The Intentions Book) and Emily Perkins (The Forrests), plus Lawrence Patchett (NZSA Best First Book for Fiction), hosted by Fergus Barrowman. 12–12.45 pm, Unity Books. Hue & Cry: Selected Poems w/ Live Music – Pip Adam, Sarah Jane Barnett, Isobel Cairns, Therese Llyod, Lawrence Patchett, Rachel Sawaya, and Steven Toussaint. 6 pm, The Moorings, 31 Glenbervie Terrace, Thorndon.

Music: Empire of the Sun headlining RnV (again). Amazing new Drake song ‘Hold On We're Going Home’. New trippy video by Schoolboy Q feat. Kendrick Lamar – ‘Collared Greens’.




va rie ty pu zz le s & CR OSSWO RD by pu ck — AN SW ERS NE XT ISSUE

'The Royal Family' - difficulty: easy 39. Simon and Garfunkel, for one 40. “___ to please!” 41. Mountaintop nest 42. With ‘The’, animated movie based on the Book of Exodus 46. Bad thing to get in bed 47. Scalds 48. They’re found under ‘Adult Entertainment’ 52. It includes Excel and Word (abbr.) 53. It’s spun during a waiata 56. Owner of a hall, in Grieg’s ‘Peer Gynt’ 59. Apple’s end 60. Moscow moolah 61. Mr. Ferrari, of Ferrari fame 62. Take in, in a way 63. Description for a Celtic, Bull or Laker 64. Eye wolfishly

ACROSS 1. “___ just so happens…” 5. Like the ABCs 10. Finger ending 14. Garment at a spa 15. American site to “remember” 16. Part above a tenor 17. 1951 Bogart/Hepburn film about a riverboat 20. They’re red or white, in baseball 21. Citrus drink

22. “Comin’ through!” 23. Kermit the Frog’s in-laws 25. “___-I-O” (kids’ song refrain) 26. She’s always in another bloody castle 31. Foundations 32. Eartha who played Catwoman 33. Start of a Dr. Seuss title 35. Elects 36. Dilutes 38. The North Island Brown is its most common species

DOWN 1. Bachelor that gets a pink hood 2. ___ Brown (Cuba St. eatery) 3. Mountain goat with prominent horns 4. Leaves in a bag? 5. Type of medieval singing 6. Transfer, as an estate 7. Anatomical pouch 8. “___ happy as can be!” 9. Ideas 10. Feeling after a roller-coaster, maybe 11. On the sheltered side 12. One of a supermarket limit

QUIZ 1. For what invention is Sir Tim Berners-Lee best known? 2. True or false: Robert Mugabe is the oldest sitting President in the world. 3. What is the liquid left when milk has been curdled and strained commonly called? 4. What word did Czech painter and writer Josef Capek coin in the early 20th century? 5. Which comic actor’s parents were both astrophysicists? 6. For which Caribbean Premier League cricket team is Ross Taylor currently playing?

YEAR LONG PUZZLE: 7. In what year were the films Pan’s Labyrinth, The Departed and Borat all released?

17. Rearrange STEERING into a group of numbers (8)

8. Damon Albarn is a member of which band playing at next year’s Big Day Out in Auckland? 9. Barranquilla, Cali and Medellín are all cities in which country? 10. Eleanor Catton, author of The Luminaries, currently has three books on the NZ Bestseller list. How many books has she written?

Answers: 1. The World Wide Web. 2. False (Israeli President Shimon Peres is the oldest; Mugabe is second-oldest). 3. Whey. 4. ‘Robot’. 5. Jack Black. 6. Trinidad & Tobago Red Steel. 7. 2006. 8. Blur. 9. Colombia. 10. Two.


13. ‘The ___ Ranger’ (2013 Depp film) 18. Bambi and others 19. “Keep it down!” 23. Gets a portrait done 24. Inuits and Yapiks, together 26. Like some ads 27. Helicopter topper 28. It’s original in Genesis 29. Tweet 30. “I dunno ___ happened” 31. One of Ned Flanders’ kids 34. Georgie ___ (weirdly popular fast food craze) 36. Not saying much 37. Go quickly 38. They’re touched while typing 40. Start of a 101 title, maybe 41. Dianna who played Quinn on ‘Glee’ 43. Compound with a different structure but the same formula 44. Lacking a Y chromosome 45. Not so tough 48. ‘Toy Story’ character with knobs 49. Boring Monopoly token 50. Michael of ‘Scott Pilgrim’ 51. Give the cold shoulder to 53. Christmas scent 54. Eleven, in French 55. Dr. Frankenstein’s helper 57. ‘Not yet announced’ on a sched. 58. Kenan’s pal, on an old Nickelodeon show





e i c

o m s n t o

Target rating guide: 0-15 words: do you even go here? 16-25 words: alright 26-35 words: decent 36-50 words: PRO 80+ words: free drink


Imperfect Replication Difficulty: Medium

The first column in the grid can be filled with 6-letter words that answer the clues. Drop one letter from each word and rearrange the rest to get the answers in the second column, and repeat that again with the 5-letter words to get the 4-letter words in the third column. Each letter you drop can be put in the small box between the columns. When the puzzle is complete, the name of a Hollywood director and one of his classic sci-fi films can be read down the narrow columns.

1. Silent movie star Keaton 2. Hollow cylinders 3. Some 4WD vehicles, for short 4. Refusal to accept a fact 5. Burdened 6. One of the Winchesters in ‘Supernatural’ 7. Kind of voyage or name 8. ‘Akira’ or ‘My Neighbour Totoro’ 9. Belonging to me 10. Praline nut 11. Person who moves from place to place

12. Complain 13. Harsh 14. Part of a poem or song 15. Guns an engine 16. ‘Into the Wild Green ____’ (‘Futurama’ movie) 17. Humming noise, or something that makes a humming noise 18. Finished 19. Leaf through 20. Indian currency 21. Squint 22. One who might wear a tutu

23. Forest in Shakespeare’s ‘As You Like It’ 24. Enjoy a book 25. ‘How to Train Your ____’ (Dreamworks movie) 26. Type of piano 27. Pull along the ground 28. Mad _____ (‘Alice in Wonderland’ character) 29. Our planet 30. Male deer 31. Long, drawn-out complaint 32. Put on TV 33. Brainwave

SUDOKU difficulty: easy <<<

difficulty: medium

difficulty: hard



letters letter of the week

win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

it's a lactatorship

Today I bought a chocolate chip cookie (not something i would expect to contain peanuts) from VicBooks cafe and had another bad reaction. There was absolutely no label indicating that it contained peanuts. I do not have a fatal allergy but this sort of stuff makes me so angry on behalf of the people who risk death if they consume peanuts.

That's all. Thank you. From tearingmyhairout

This is not an uncommon allergy,They are perfectly happy to advertise their wares as gluten free. Why do so many places on campus think its acceptable to not warn students about these sorts of ingredients? I shouldnt have to ask every time i have a biscuit whether it contains peanut butter etc. I would like to see cafes at Vic vastly step up their game, or they might have a death on their hands one day.

"By basically doing nothing but saying that they weren't xbox." -( last weeks games article) Sony set up what was one of the most inspiring e3 presentations to date. They made some digs that cheapened their whole campaign but their primary dogma "Supplying consumers with variety." Is what's branching videogames into a healthy and thriving art form. In a way we can separate the consoles into political parties microsoft taking a conservative approach and sony liberal.. I'm just going to make an article about it.

inconsolable Fan boylient, At the risk of becoming what I condemn.

Dear Salientolerant, All this Fonterra shit makes me think people should just breast-feed. Thanks for your time, Media-Beattie-Up

we don't get manet sent in Yo While I'm not an Arts student I know what I likes and what I don't likes and the comics in your mag fall soundly in the second column. If I were to judge from some of the high quality graffiti on the desks around campus it's not as though we're lacking in Amateur Aachens, Budding Boticellis, un-Discovered Da Vincis or Reticent Rubens. Even witty bathroom scrawls would be better than that Dino-cop shite or the weekly Martin Doyle abortion W/ love Art Critic xoxo

nut acceptable I'm writing because I'm really frustrated by the completely irresponsible attitude of some Vic food outlets towards allergies. I love the Hare Krishna stall, and was once told by someone who worked their that they never use peanuts in their cooking as too many people are allergic. Several months later I had a severe reaction to a satay curry they were serving. When I told them about this, the people themselves did not seem to know what was in the food they were serving. Fortunately they now clearly label when they are serving peanuts.


trash talk Dear Salient,

touching story Every morning I cross the over bridge between Murphy and Old Kirk. It's empty, pristine, and a tribute to the dedicated staff that clean it. Every night I cross the same over bridge. By this time it is again empty, but filthy and, frankly, disgraceful. To those who loyally occupy this space on a daily basis... clean your shit up; you're an embarrassment. Sincerely, Sue

Hi Salienating, Today, when a stranger and I almost collided going around a corner, I put my hand out to establish personal space and nearly grazed his crotch. Thks 4 th mmrs. Do any of you want to hang out sometime and watch the entire Jeremy Irons backcatalogue? I'm kind of worried I'm not Tina Fey, also. Kind regards, H. G. Beattie

s'not cool guys Blow your fucking nose! Seriously people. Even if the sound of your snorting and gurgling as you circulate snotcustard around your cranium wasn't, like, completely fucking disgusting, it's still an unnecessary and irritatingly disturbing noise that, quite frankly, the rest of us would rather do without. Step one: Go to the bathroom. Step two: Get some TP. Step three: Blow your fucking nose!

what happened to michael murphy? Dear Editor, My idea for a tv show is where we take 10 celebrity chefs, and each is given a ‘celebrity’ partner which is a policeman, ambulance man, search and rescue operator, customs officer, fisheries officer etc. All contestants are put into a house with a bedroom for each couple. Each couple has



letters to sing a song of their own composition, which is assessed by celebrity judges who know nothing about music such as Sally Ridge, and TV weathergirls. Before being voted off, each contestant can save themselves from elimination by providing nude photos of themselves and their celebrity partner. The top three couples get into a grand final where they have to eat slugs, redecorate a home in a weekend, and be traffic wardens for a week. This is a sure fire ratings winner. Warm regards, Dominic Bowden

there had to be someone Tena korua Stella and Molly, So you know how there are two Maori telly channels - Maori TV and Te Reo? Yeah. Make the Te Reo Maori issue of Salient more like the former. Really cool to promote Nga Tauira and Maori in general on campus. But having articles exclusively in a language that only a small number of our community can read isn't helpful. I absolutely get that publishing some of the articles in te reo is about selfexpression. When push comes to shove, this aim should take a back-seat to the aim of making a magazine that everyone can enjoy reading. For most of Salient's readers, the magazine felt light on content this week. It didn't need to be that way - articles could have been in both reo, preserving self-expression and bringing the articles to a wider audience.

To that end, perhaps someone should look at changing the Salient charter. I betcha that Nga Tauira wouldn't mind getting in on that - could replace the "Te Reo Maori issue" clause with a clause requiring Salient to have regard to the opinions of and issues that affect Maori in every issue, not just in a boring annual omnibus. Just a thought, Not John Ansell

left to the very end Yo Red Alert-lient, Did you guys watch that Helen Clark doco? Apparently it made everyone cry (or so they said on my Twitter feed)…I watched it after everyone else did (on the interwebs) and well yeah I suppose it was kinda sad :( Regards, Rose-tinted glasses

To the peeps of Vic, Are you enrolled to vote? If not, you better get onto it, cos you need to be enrolled by Friday 16 August in order to vote in the upcoming local elections. Remember, if you don't vote, you can't complain and then the complaining will be left to people like the youth wings of political parties: we all know our annoying they can be, don't we? <<<

I want to be challenged and questioned about my views in your....'magazine'? (is that what you call it?) Yours Sincerely Trendy Lefty ps I betcha he'll right something I really hate the week this letter is published - just to spite me!

Hi Salient, Re: Opinionated Leftist Just because National don't listen doesn't mean I have to sit back quietly while they attack my human rights, that's like saying don't scream when someone is about to stab you because they still gonna do it anyway. Of course they're still going to do it, but that makes raising awareness, encouraging critical discussion and letting people know they are not alone in their anger (through protest) even more important. This bill cannot be passed unchallenged! From the chick who Cc'd John Key in on this email to cut out the middleman

Yours Civic Duty-fully, Amorphous Orange Blob Man (sic) SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be

Dear Salient, Some of the articles were also just a bit boring. The interview about the Maori legal project nearly read like a piece from Victorious. But perhaps that's what you're going to get if you're trying to fill out the whole issue. It may actually be better to involve Nga Tauira in Salient more often and consistently throughout the year, rather than giving them a token issue.

taken. I mean we can't go on having our prejudices, biases and so-called 'beliefs' confirmed by both Freddie AND Carla, week after week, now can we? Maybe he could write about economics - I'm sure we could disagree on that.

it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time. Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party

You really need to rein in that Freddie Hayek columnist of yours: for the THIRD straight week, I've agreed with everything he has said in his column. This is unacceptable - I thought I was left wing (politically speaking) and he was...well...not.

invites. We want it all. Letters must be received before 12pm on

If he keeps writing this bleeding heart liberal stuff, drastic action will have to be

Email: Post: Salient, c/- Victoria

the Wednesday for publication the next week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation. Letters can be sent to:

University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)


notices 


NZ, Xero, Japan Information & Cultural Centre

Interested in Taekwon-Do? New to Taekwon-

and more .... Not to be missed!

Do? Learned Taekwon-Do before? Come along and join us! Great way to keep fit and have fun!

Details on CareerHub: Applications closing soon: Organisations Citi

Closing Aug 16

Macron Automation

Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange Programme  Trimester 1, 2014 Deadline Extended to August 30th! Vic OE is still receiving applications for exchanges in Trimester

Methanex New Zealand

1, 2014. So get in quick to secure a place

NZ Transport Society

Aug 18

for your exchange next year! If you are

Orion Health

Aug 22

interested, come and see us today. As this is


an extended deadline, we suggest submitting

Fonterra Group

Aug 25

your application as soon as possible.


Aug 30

 Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore the world! The best university experience!


 Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2,


Easterfield Building, 12.50pm

Clemenger Group The Australian National University

Aug 31


SAS Industitute Australia & NZ Sep 1

NZ Defence Force (Navy) Bloomberg Simpson Grierson

Sep 2

Microsoft Corp Tasman District Council

 Email:

Sep 15

Employer Presentation

Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon- Wed 1-3pm. Thurs & Fri 10-12am



Aug 21

groups Christian Union and International

JET (Teach English in Japan)

Sep 10

Christian Fellowship will be happening Thursday 15 August at Ramsey House, 8

Careers Expo Faculty of Commerce & Administration:

Kelburn Parade at 6pm. There will be M&Ms! Sep 12

Post-experience Careers Expo

PROLIFE VICTORIA Prolife Victoria Bi-Weekly Lunch Meeting,

Careers in Focus Seminar: Careers With a BA Wed. 14th Aug. 5.30pm, KK301 & Kirk foyer: Book on CareerHub (Events) https://careerhub. Thinking about where your HSS degree can take you? Get helpful hints and hot tips for job hunting! Vic Graduates share their personal experiences and here to answer your questions.  What makes HSS graduates so employable?  What are employers looking for?  How can career planning help? Vic Alumni panel speakers and networkers from: The Treasury, South Pacific Press and Lift Education, Department of Corrections, Waitangi Tribunal and Maori Land Court, IBM, Clemenger

11am Wednesday 14th in SU220. Come along to a presentation and discussion regarding a prolife view on the issue of disabilities and abortion and creating a culture of life. All welcome. Snacks provided.

REFUGEE-BACKGROUND STUDENTS DROP-IN CENTRE FOR REFUGEEBACKGROUND STUDENTS.  Every week day 4-6 pm, there is a dropin centre in on the 10th Floor of the Murphy Building in Room 1010, to help you with your studies. The Centre is run by senior students, and you can drop by at any time for help with essays, studying for a test, dealing with a tutor, planning your degree, practicing an oral presentation etc.

BBDO, Embassy of France in NZ, Victim Support, Ministry of Health, JacksonStone & Partner, Ministry for the Environment, Archives


 Training times: Tuesday 6.30-8 pm, Long Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre Saturday 3.30-5 pm, Dance Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre  What you need: Drink bottle, comfy trousers/shorts, T-shirt  Contact us: We are affiliated to the TaeKwonDo Union of NZ (TUNZ)

BUSINESS CLUB The Business and Investment Club (BIC) invites you to the next guest speaker event "Capital markets and how to get involved" by Tim Bennett, CEO of New Zealand Stock Exchange (NZX). Tim will introduce the world of financial markets, talk about his experience with various stock markets around the world, will explain how the NZX works and how anyone can get involved - even students, who are known for having notoriously very little spare money. Visitors of this talk can look forward to hearing many interesting information and find out why it´s a great time to start investing in one of the many new companies, that are being listed on NZX this year and in near future. Takes place next Monday 19th August at 4.30pm @ SU218. More information on

VicIDS Speaker Event: Criminal Justice Reform Monday 12 August, 5.15pm, CO304 David Smith from JustSpeak will present on the overrepresentation of Maori in the criminal justice system, alternatives to prisons, and what happens to young people in the justice system. What opportunities are there for change?

VUWCF M Victoria University of Wellington Christian Fellowship (VUWCF) Annual General Meeting (AGM) 6pm, 15 August at Ramsey House, 4 Kelburn Parade We will be electing our new committee, as well as reviewing what we have done in the past year. In addition, we will be looking forward to the year ahead, and there will be food and drinks too! Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all VIctoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the

Victoria University TaekwonDo Club (WTF style)

week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to with 'Notice' in the subject line.




Tune in to your student radio station! 88.3fm or stream online at


James Rivers!

Podcasts + Mixtapes

DC Current w/ Duncan & Cam

THE BEEF! w/ Matt & Alex

Grace Ace Fills the Space

INFIDEL CASTRO w/ Philip McSweeney




DJ MP3 Player beep....

DJ MP3 Player beep....

Raw Politik Emanuel & Neas


Wake N' Bake w/ Pearce

Joe McKay


Michael Berriman

Alex, Michael & Nick

Dave & ED



The Imposters


What Is ART? w/ Virginia

Parallels w/ Cookie


w/ Sally, Amber, Keegan & Rohan Sweet music, news, interviews & giveaways

Tbodega he Mixtape w/ Sam!

Slim Picking's w/ Slim & Bunny

The Drop w/ Gussie




VBC Breakfast Show







Missed out on getting a show? Spaces come up throughout the year; email your interest to

George Armstrong Dead Air

Chris Gilman The Night Shift

THAT'S SO METAL w/ Mitchell


Miriama Aoake


Domo Arigato Mr Robato


The VBC Hip Hop show w/ Fabulous G

Sunday Fly Lorenzo &



Thursday Drive "Add w Aidan"

Signal sounds 7pm - Late


The Beatdown

The Vinyl Countdown

Superfluous Superheroes

The B-Side Revolution w/ Rich & pals

Making Waaves w/ Kariiba & Guests

PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

Dark Sound Waves

Railroad Blues w/ Ray


GIG GUIDE mon 12

tues 13

weds 14

thurs 15

fri 16

Happy Monday!

2 for 1

Pool Comp ($50 Prize)

Happy Hour

Beat Mob DJing

Margherita Pizzas

Wgtn Hall Quiz Mighty Quiz 6:30pm

mighty mighty

15 Zillions & Rubble

Cookie Brooklyn & the Crumbs

san francisco bathhouse

Boss Christ & Band, Tape-Wolf, Tender Moonight & Double Ya D


Wellington Mingus Ensemble

Latin Club 8:30pm (free!)

The JAM (free!) <<<

Queers Got Talent

Nadia Reid & Ebony Lamb 8:30pm

puppies the southern cross

The Psychs & Seeds of Orbit

Private Function until 11pm

Comedy w Steve Wrigley

bodega meow cafe

sat 17

Stitch & Bitch 7:00pm

Electric Quiz 8pm - 10pm

Kroon For Your Kai 6:30pm

The Spines Thursday Showcase

Ras Judah

Let's Planet CD Release Party

Black City Lights NZ Album Tour Los Jineteros

Mashtown County








Salient 17, 2013 - Cyber  

Salient's eighteenth issue for 2013 - Cyber.

Salient 17, 2013 - Cyber  

Salient's eighteenth issue for 2013 - Cyber.