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w w w.yale rumpus.com
R u m p u s
Betches love this school: yale 1. Yorkside
Remember when you ate an entire pepperoni pizza at Yorkside at 1 A.M. after binge-drinking yourself into a coma? Of course you don’t, you were blackout before you left the pregame. Even if you didn’t make it to the frat, every Yale betch has an instinctive GPS that will take her straight to Yorkside (or for those post-2AM nights, GHeav or A1). If you don’t have enough Sunday Morning Regrets already, late night Yorkside is the perfect reason to spend your entire Sunday at Payne-Whitney, examining your life decisions on the treadmill while trying to figure out which of the colleges you need to complete the residential college challenge. Yorkside is also the perfect intermediary step between Toad’s and #5 The Walk of Shame, where you can feel better about yourself by #2 hating QPackers who will have a similar night to yours but then fail to find a job after college.
2. Hating QPackers
It’s 11 P.M. on a Saturday, you’re sufficiently buzzed and power walking to Box for nachos and a couple shots of Patron when you find yourself accosted by a pack of overly-cologned, under-dressed and aggressively belligerent creatures. No, you haven’t
stepped onto the set of Ke$ha’s newest video or the latest Jersey Shore episode. You have just encountered New Haven’s most dangerous species: Qpackers. Every Saturday, they migrate to their natural habitat--the one block radius around ABP--where they mark their territory (possibly with bodily fluid). After invading the cesspool that is Saturday Night Toad’s, they can be found in the #1 Yorkside bathrooms either cuddling the toilet or taking a pregnancy test. Regardless, they have given Yale betches something we can all agree upon: Hating QPackers.
3. Bass
This is the perfect Yale betch solution to the typical “study v. socialize” dilemma. While going to Bass is a guaranteed way to ensure that you won’t get work done, the fact that you’re surrounded by books and frat boys on Adderall makes you feel exponentially more productive than you would if you were watching that same episode of Real Housewives of Wherever in your dorm. Bass has something for everyone: prime view of #4 Athletes being unproductive, a café for food cravings when #1 Yorkside is too far away, and some guy in a red hat that has become a campus obsession.
4. Sports Teams/Athletes
A Yale betch’s taste in men falls into a number of categories (for those who team-hop, at least):
faction and shame, to see if someone you hooked up with is mentioned as Athlete of the Week? If not, then you’re probably a hipster.
The Preppy Betch – Golf, sailing, squash, 5. The Walk of Shame polo… this girl has conquered every terrain of preps. On at least one occasion, she has had to do the #5 Walk of Shame in seersuckers and boat shoes that her man-ofthe-night lent her. Often, she plays one of these sports as well, and thus was bred to love cardigans, white visors, and boarding school.
The International Betch – This girl concen-
trates on the crew and rugby teams, and her ears perk up at the sound of a foreign accent. She takes any opportunity to lament the travesty that is American football, as she finds it better when men don’t wear protection (in athletics, of course).
The All-American Betch – The nemesis
(and/or secret bestie) of the International Betch, this girl is drawn to DKE and ADPhi like a stoner is drawn to a Wenzel. If you’re patting yourself on the back for not falling into one of these categories, think again. Have you ever looked up a team roster on the Yale Athletics page? Eaten dinner at Morse-Stiles to get a glimpse of postworkout athletes? Read the Sports section of the YD”N”, both out of satis-
With Saturday nights come the inevitable Sunday mornings when you realize you’re going to have to walk from Pierson to TD in your 5-inch stilettos after a frat party whose theme was “Bright and Tight.” However, any Yale betch knows that the Walk of Shame can be incredibly efficient. For one thing, it provides a perfect opportunity to read all your text messages from the night before and listen to voicemails of your friends crying about their nights. It is rare, given the ten readings you have due tomorrow, that you will find another opportunity to decode “cOWK!iefo toii WJsidelf” to “Come to (#1)Yorkside.” The sole downfall of the Walk of Shame is the awkward runin you will inevitably have with your ex/froco/ dean/mother (parents’ weekend only) in which you will have to explain why you were “out for a stroll” in your pink bandeau and gold spandex shorts at 10AM. The only way around this is to form a buddy system with your suitemate so you can both walk back from the #4 hockey/ crew/swim house to-
gether.
6. The Vodka Cemetery
This is the guaranteed way to subtly prove your alcoholism when inviting your friends from a different college to pregame in your suite. A downplayed version of the idea to line your mantle with empty cans of Keystone, the vodka cemetery is an easy way to figure out how many times any given suite has had a suitemate throw up at #1 Yorkside (general rule: 3 bottles = 1 boot). It also saves your suite cleaning time and eliminates the need to take out the garbage (as if anyone has since Camp Yale anyways). If Yale won’t let betches light real fires in the fireplace, the next best fire hazard is of course bottles filled with Svedka in the common room cemetery (that is, if you didn’t already finish them at the pregame) and a bunch of #7 dorm posters to catch on fire.
7. Dorm Posters
It’s senior year of high school and you just got your roommate assignment. After deleting every picture off your Facebook from before junior year and setting your profile picture to one of you doing the only kegstand you’ve ever done, you don’t think you can look any cooler. But then, you real-
ize you’re missing one thing: posters. Every Yale bro must have in his dorm one of the following: a poster from The Godfather, a picture of Bob Marley with an inspiring quote on it— even though you only own 2 songs by him, and a box of Miller Lite that you drank in your parents’ garage with a couple friends that you’ll soon tell your new roommate was a “rager.” If you’re a girl, the range of posters is only slightly more diverse: a collage of you and your BFFs that took you 8 hours to do but you pretended took 5 minutes, an artsy picture of a city you haven’t visited (but you’re sooo gonna study abroad there), or a picture of a famous female icon of empowerment (Note: this will be weird for both parties involved when you’re staring at a picture of Rosie the Riveter during your hook up with a #4 athlete). But no matter your gender, you are absolutely required to have a “For God, For Country, and For Yale” poster somewhere in your suite. Because even though you’re living in a Yale dorm on Yale’s campus, that #2 QPack slut you mistakenly brought home better know you had a fucking 4.0 in high school.
w w w.yale rumpus.com
Rump Chat: Behind the Scenes Dilan Gomih EIC Although we delude ourselves into believing Rumpus has always been a campus guilty pleasure, this year Rump Chat seems to have taken the campus by storm. Next to having Mary Miller in 50 Most and not getting sued for the last few years, Rump Chat is definitely one of Rumpus’ finest achievements. We want to thank you, our faithful readers for making our pilot year such a success. We couldn’t do it without your drunken nights, crazy hookup stories, and aggressive library frustrations. Although Rumpus usually keeps its operations under wraps (a.k.a. we try not to drunkenly spill our/your secrets), we thought we might give a small behindthe-scenes look into Rump Chat. How did Rump Chat start? Literally Rump Mama D-Money thought of it over the summer at 1am while pretending to listen to her 42-year old Swedish housemate ramble on about meta- physicality and ecstasy. Its origin didn’t make sense, but the rationale totally did: Why give
the campus RumpusRumpus four times a year when we could dish it up everyday? Is Rump Chat filtered? Hell yes. On any given day, we probably post 25% of the posts that we get. Believe it or not, Rumpus has some morals and we are careful about what we publish. Unsurprisingly, we get a lot of batshit stories about people and despite our policy of anonymity, a lot of people still send in names of who their submitting about (and sometimes even let us know who they are). When that happens, we strip the name and do our best to par down identifying factors. Although in our issues we are more liberal about calling betches out on their shiyat, Rump Chat works because of its abstraction. When you read Rump Chat, you just know that someone, somewhere on Yale’s campus did something---and somehow, it’s still provocative and gets the people going. Occasionally, it gets brought to our atten-
tion that something was too pointed and we change it. Unless of course, that person is a total betch in which case, we don’t give a frick. We also filter because as much as we love knowing everyone’s shiyat, there are some things that we realize the entire world doesn’t need to know: a) some things are
getting sued thing. What are a few things you’ve learned about the campus? -A lot more people are apparently looking for love but are too scared of getting rejected,. To this we say, just ask someone out and if it doesn’t work out…. sorry. There were a few days where we felt
-People send in crazy things at 4am (@Anonymous that submitted about peanut butter on his dick---that was really weird). -A lot of people were pissed off about society #guyliterallycryingovernotgettingtapped -People should have more black lit parties -A lot of people want to know sexual orientations of Mr. Yale guys
like GoodCrushYale because of how many people were asking to get set up. It was fun, but Rump Chat isn’t really for that. Maybe next year we’ll try to find a Rumpus-y way to hook y’all up. -People like to pee in a lot of exotic places. #showushowtogetonroofofSSS -Athletes use the word “normie” for non-athletes (What is this, Sweet Valley High?”)
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drunkenly spending all of her Durfee’s points for the semester on cookies and donuts? Anonymous reported: Woman walks into Durfee’s and grabs an orange, “Imma take this.” Woman behind the counter replies, “Get it, honey! We are the 99%.” ... is this why everything costs twice as much?
Anonymous reported: Freshman football What are some of players seen fall off Rumpus’ favorite bar at DKE party, cut his head open, proRump Chats? ceed to grind and get A n o n y m o u s head in the middle reported: Over- of the dance floor, h e a r d i n T D then hours later go to dining hall. Girl Alpha Delta to get a t a b l i n g : “ C a n sandwich where he you please sign realized he had blood this letter to the dripping down his Governor? We’re back. He then walked petitioning the to Yale Health to get abolishment of his head stapled. What the death penalty.” a night. Girl walking by: “I’m Long story short, from Texas.” we’ve had a great pilot What senior boy took year and we look fora research trip down ward to Yale producpast our southern bor- ing even more ratchetder (Mexico that is) ness. #leggo2016 and then did the same to a 16 year-old boy P.S. Anytime Rumthere? Luckily he came pus said something back to Yale before grumbly about being the authorities—or too drunk to think, the boy’s Catholic more often than not we just couldn’t think mother—found out. of anything witty to Which sophomore say. Now we can tell was seen in a toga our psychiatrist that
RUMP CHAT GOOGLE ANALYTIC STATS APRIL 2012 Visits: 56,199 SEP. 1 2011- MAY 1 2012 Visits: 235,349 Unique Visitors: 45,536 actually too horrible to post b) some of it isn’t THAT funny c) some things are pretty sensitive. We’ve gotten submissions about everything from abortions to inappropriate academic allegations to just silly vendettas. As interesting/terrifying as it is reading all of these things, we post with caution because we have somewhat of a social conscience and we love that not
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