2016 Rumpus YCC Endorsements

!

A R T EX

20

S T N E M E S R O D N E C C 15 Y

: T N E D ı S E PR

JOE ENGLıSH Imagine this: a card game similar to Pokemon, except each card is a Yale administrator, with their respective attack strengths and vital weaknesses.

Which administrator would you choose to send to battle? YCC Presidential candidate Ben Martin would chose former Dean Mary Miller “because she’s a boss.” Candidate Andy Hill would play Dean Jonathan Holloway because “he’s taking our opinions seriously.” Lastly, candidate Joe English would throw down the gauntlet with Secretary Kimberly Goff-Crews because “she’s really powerful and really chill.” None of them, however, chose 50 Moster Linda Lorimer, winner of Rumpus’s Facebook contest. We find this shocking considering that YCC campaigns also depend entirely on Facebook likes. We will try not to let this lapse in judgement crush our faith in student government.

all photos in this extra “borrowed” from the YD“N”

The Pokemon game has a clear winner: whipping his dick out at the heteronormative classist patriarchy of the West (his only true enemy, he says), Joe English kills the game. Nobody even knows who Mary Miller is anymore, and Dean Holloway doesn’t stand a chance against the mighty Secretary Goff-Crews. Rumpus endorses Joe not because of his “vision” or “experience”, but because Joe just gets it. Joe gets that dorm parties are the best parties and that the video of Janis Joplin at Woodstock is the best music video of all time. Joe gets that there is no quick fix for Saybrook College.

“It’s going to take some long-term therapy,” he says.

As a freshman, Joe rewrote the YCC Constitution and served on all three branches of the council. This year, he is YCC Chief of Staff.

Rumpus doesn’t know if that means Joe made Michael Herbert his bitch or vice versa, but it has a nice ring to it. Andy Hill serves as a representative of Berkeley College; his YCC project has to do with campus sustainability, but he prides himself on a number of personal projects, such as reaching out to cultural houses and working to form an Inter-Fraternity Council. Ben Martin is SoCo Vice

P R E S ı D E N T: englısh

President, and SoCo has a pretty dope Instagram account that throws mad likes at Rumpus’s account.

Thanks, Ben.

When asked why he was running, Ben Martin said that he wanted to be YCC president because he would be the best; he doubted that the other candidates would have successful reigns. We liked the honesty. However, when asked which member of YCC board would have the highest kill count in a similar Pokemon card game, Martin chose one of the few female members of YCC because she was the most “catty”. Despite our appreciation of his candidness, Rumpus would prefer a YCC President who, while running for a position that has been held by one woman in the last fifteen years in an all-male election, can back up this vital Pokémon decision with less gross, sexist reasons.

Hill enticed us with his vision and insight.

Rumpus constantly searches for revelation with the near-impossible question: Blue State on York or Wall? While English and Martin both chose York due to its proximity, Hill says that “It’s a mentality shift; York is for nighttime, Wall is for the morning.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, and we like the idea of a YCC President who knows the truth and isn’t afraid to say it. Two things stand in the way of us “believing in WE” (Hill’s slogan). First, Hill wants to make more Task Forces. More Task Forces means more emails, and we currently have 851 unread emails in our inbox. And unfortunately, we really just can’t get behind the grammatical construction of his slogan.

In retrospect, last year’s YCC Presidential Election was a total shitshow. Between former President Danny Avraham inappropriately lashing out at Sara Miller and Michael Herbert being Michael Herbert, the Yale student body was sufficiently entertained for the week of campaigning. Compared to last year, this year’s elections are boring as shit. English, Hill, and Martin are all non-schizophrenic, generally good guys who all have the same platform: stick it to the man. Where is the drama? Where are the accusations of homophobia and 2000-word long YD“N” comments? Step it up, gentlemen. Entertain us.

— ADAM S. & ALEX S.

VEEP:

MADDıE BAUER Madeline Bauer may be running unopposed for the YCC Vice Presidency, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t taking this election seriously.

“I was sort of listening to the debates on Monday,” she tells us, “but only in between scrolling through Rumpus’s twitter feed.”

It’s this apathy towards the YCC -- and shameless flattery of our Web Brand -- that allows Rumpus to confidently endorse Maddie for the position.

Maddie’s platform is certainly in line with the values of the council. She hopes to recreate the community experience YCC provided her last year, particularly the elite 2013-14 F-Board, i.e. the 7 freshmen council reps who needed yet another GroupMe to ignore in an attempt to feel powerful. (Editor’s note: several Rumpus staffers report not making the cut.) “It wasn’t exclusive, I swear,” she assures us. Actions, not words, Maddie. Actions, not words.

Maddie also hopes to create a shuttle line to Yale Health for students, which is great news for the drunk freshmen who can’t stumble there without getting lost deep in Dixwell. She’s even proven herself to be committed to the transparency of the Council: when prompted to give the scoop on Michael Herbert, she immediately handed over exclusive text messages in which Herbert’s fingers actually typed the phrase “awko taco,” and leaked a YCC Correspondent’s Gala scandal we were later forced to retract.

Our endorsement of Bauer isn’t without reservations. Sure, she’s served as the University Services chair and has worked with the Mental Health Steering Committee, but is she in tune to the plights of the Yale experience that have thus far gone unnoticed? Maddie claims to not own a Canada Goose jacket, so could she ever really understand the desperation of a Sunday morning Facebook campaign searching for the many lost at Harvest? She’s never seen a Linda Koch Lorimer snow day email (may they Rest In Power) -- how does she plan to fill the shoes of our university’s best Vice President? These are worthwhile questions to ask yourself before you cast your vote.

Though Rumpus was discouraged by her inexperience in these regards, we reaffirmed our commitment to Maddie by connecting over an innocent game of Marry, Fuck, Kill. Like Rumpus, Maddie would end Andy Hill, mate with Ben Martin (“but only because I have to”), and ultimately tie the knot with Joe English. Tell it like it is, girl. We’re behind you all the way.

Vote Maddie Bauer for Vice President, because what else are you going to do.

— LUCAS R. & ALLEX D.

f覺nance:

no endorsement

?

Because Daniel Tovbin is a member of the Rumpus staff, it would be a conflict of interest for Rumpus to endorse any other candidate. Vote Tovbin!

events:

pork buns PORK BUNS

Meaty on the inside, soft on the outside. Dough hugs a slow-roasted center. There’s barbecue sauce steaming within. You’ve craved them all day--these savory spheres.

You’ve longed to bite into them. We’re not talking about pork buns. We’re talking about YCC Events Coordinator Candidates Amour Alexandre and Megan Ruan.

Looking to endorse one of them (to assist our readership at the polls), Rumpus interviewed them both. What follows is excerpts from these interviews--our hardest-hitting questions. *** Rumpus: So let’s say you’re a character on Lost, or not Lost specifically, but an equivalently inoffensive ABC primetime drama of similar subject matter.

Amour Alexandre: So I’m about to be stranded on an island?

R: Mhmm. And you can only take one Oscar-nominated short with you, of any year or genre. BUT, it can’t be 2010’s God of Love or 2014’s Boogaloo and Graham.

AA: Okay.

R: What Oscar nominated short are you taking with you?

AA: Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life R: Okay, so I’ve always loved Richard E. Grant, mostly for his cameos on HBO dramedies.

AA: Same.

R: And I like that you chose a short that confronts important themes--similar to those confronted by the conceit of being stranded on an island.

AA: Mortality and abandonment?

R: Exactly. *** Rumpus: Can I call you Meg? Megan Ruan: Of course.

R: Meg, let’s say you’re a character on Lost, or not Lost specifically, but an equivalently inoffensive ABC primetime drama of similar subject matter.

MR: So I’m about to be stranded on an island?

EVENTS:

PORK BUNS

R: Mhmm. And as your plane’s going down, the pilot comes up to you and says, “We’re all about to be stranded on an island.” And you’re like, okay.

MR: Okay.

R: And then he says, “Every back-up singer/dancer who ultimately became a star is sitting in first class, and you can only save one of them.”

MR: --R: Who do you save?

MR: Whom* R: Whom do you save?

MR: Jennifer Lopez.

R: Okay, so I’ve always loved New Kids on the Block, and I’m impressed that you know she once back-up danced for them. I also love 2003’s Gigli, but I think more because of Ben Affleck than Jennifer Lopez.

MR: Same.

R: So decent answer. BUT I was actually looking for either “Phil Collins” or “Casper Smart.” Ironically enough, he back-up danced for Jennifer Lopez, so you came pretty close.

MR: I feel like he never really became a star though. He just dated Jennifer Lopez.

R: Have you Googled it? *** Rumpus: Okay so, same set-up as before.

Amour Alexandre: Alright.

R: Unless you’re tired of it.

AA: No, I’m fine.

R: So starting tomorrow, you’ll be on the island. You have one. last. Saturday. night. to spend in New Haven. How do you spend it?

AA: Pre-game at Basil (for the pork buns), then Box. R: Okay, so I’ve always loved pork buns. *** Rumpus endorses pork buns for 2015-2016 YCC Events Coordinator.

— PATRICK D.