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MAY 2012




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R u m p u s

The Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale.

RICO RODGRIGUEZ editorial board

Dilan Gomih Melanie Plaza

BECHIR-AUGUSTE PIERRE managing editors

Ryan Cavataro Alex Goel Bijan Stephen


Andrea Villena Christina Brasco Eamon Ronan Eleanor Michotte Erica Leh George Adesanya John Sununu Monica Hannush Sofia Norten


Andrea Villena

kelsey merghardt

In the past Rumpus has profited from the sins of our fellow Yalies-- transforming heretical behavior into RumpusRumpus, glorifying revelry with Rump Chat, writing satirical pieces that bordered on blasphemous. But now we have read the evidence and seen the light about the end of days. Since we believe in conveying the complete Truth, we only feel it pure to admit that we may have also seen a lot of other things and may have been under the influence of a high dose of narcotics while coming to these revelations. But sometimes, the Mayans speak to us in special and different ways. Our drug fun- saturated bodies may have been the perfect medium through which the entities spoke to us so we could speak to you, fellow children of Mexico.

Last night a cricket told us everything, and now, just as we and the butterflies were convinced, you must

The Rump’s View Believe. The world is set to end on December 21, 2012 by a device that the Mayans planted in the Earth’s core. The device contains several things: a particle accelerator, many terrorists, a super SARs virus, and a giant, extremely warm, fossil fuel depleting panda that plans to sit on the ice caps. The effects may be mitigated and detonation may even be preventable if the following steps are taken: 1) There cannot be anymore YD”N” op-ed responses to responses to op-ed pieces about the

Yale hook-up culture and its consequences. The panda uses these as appetizers to fossil fuel. 2) Rumpus must be allowed to use as many trays and take as many cups out of the dining hall as we please. We’re saving the world, we’re entitled to destroy as much of it as we’d like in the process. 3) International students, non-international minorities, hipsters, athletes, and feminists must resist grouping. The terrorists will target all who self-segregate. 4) Avoidance of being offended when nothing offensive has taken place is paramount. Frivolous use of the terms “sexual harassment”, “rape apologist”, and “degrading to ‘x’ group”, or the holding of

unnecessary forums to group masturbate to the idea of being offended will result in immediate death. 5) Anyone who makes Rumpus feel selfconscious about the fact that we’re not making six figures right out of college as an i-banker or otherwise worry about what we’re ‘doing next year’ will be thrown into a particle accelerator. 6) Anyone who attempts to sue Rumpus may contract SARs. We don’t understand why the great cricket said this, but we’re just the messenger. Rumpus thinks that many of the problems would be solved by dissolving a giant chill pill in the water supply, but we’re open to suggestions. We are dedicated to saving our great species for God, for country, and for Yale. - DillyGee and Mplaza out


Lydia Stepanek Lake McManus

adlon adams sponsors/miscellaneous

UOFC Skull N’ Bonezz All Our Alums Ryan Gosling People Who Do Dumb Things Larry Spector Rumpus is a non-profit, non-partisan, non-violent monthly student publication published by RTA Publications and registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. Yale College is in no way responsible for its content, though it did orchestrate the niggardly coup (you know, that one) in order to finance Dean Miller’s superfluous infusion of adamantium into her skeleton. Hopefully this will go a long in way making up for that thin skin. Yeah, that diss hurt, Mary. We have feelings too, you know. Any reproduction, re-transmission or rebroadcast without express consent, implicit or supercilious, from Rumpus Magazine, its parent organizations, and its bastard offspring affiliations. By acknowledging Rumpus’s existence and binding yourself to our cause, you hereby pledge to do everything in your power to cultivate the burgeoning romance between Sam Miles and Phoebe Hinton. In accordance with the Bloomian prophesy, Sam and Phoebe, after many years of stolen glances and playful groping, will ultimately consummate their love on the bed and with the approval of Master Marvin Chun. Their subsequent doubly-mulatto spawn will then go on to have the best good hair this nation has ever seen. All members of the Yale community are entitled to one copy per household. Failure to comply with this regulation will result in the swift defenestration of Paul Freedman from the Loria Center onto the YD”N” building. If you would like to purchase a monthly subscription (good luck with that) of Rumpus please provide us with the dried placenta of your firstborn child. Placentae can be mailed to Rumpus, PO Box 207117, Yale Station, New Haven, CT 06520. Subscribe now to help us overthrow the evil reign of Taylor Swift over Paul Freedman’s heart.


PHOTO CREDITS Sarah Eckinger & Danny Avraham

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rumpus M AY 2 0 1 2


Rumors, Truths We Couldn’t Prove, and Other Alle­gations

Two senior guys may both be cheating on their girlfriends...with the same girl.

give him a call. Which Whiffenpoof received several phone calls from a stranger claiming to Which senior (hint hint one represent Skull and Bones of the guys who was harass- who asks him to perform ing Occupy Wall Street) was odd sexual tasks with his telling people this week that friends in order to gain enhe finally reached a Kill trance to the exclusive orgaCount of 100. Any girl who nization? wants to be Eskimo Sisters with 50% of Yale should Which junior’s dad report-

edly paid $20mil to get him into a big three society? What a Grand Stategy. This happened a year or two ago, but Rumpus had to share this: Apparently one night, a girl passed out on the floor of DKE. In response, one of the brothers picked her up, carried her outside, and exclaimed:

“No one dies in DKE!”

Which set of twins BOTH dropped out of their societes? Even worse, which one of the twins silently stayed on the email/text panlist of her society for two months while the other members made jokes about her dropping out?


4 R um pu Skull and Bones Helen Jack Eric Delgado Adi Kamdar Nick Roth Chidi Akusobi Alison James Ramon Gonzalez Katie Miller Diandra Fermin Esther Zuckerman Geoff Dunham Jeania Ree Moore Eliza Bagg Max Uhlenhuth Brian Odhiambo

Scroll and Key

Raphael Shapiro Mark Sonnenblick Zara Kessler Jeff Gordon Joe Carlsmith Joe O’Rourke Bradley Elkman Kate Lund Betsy Cowell Paloma Pineda Dinah Landshut Rae Ellen Bichell Julie Zhu Joe Breen Jakob Dorof

Wolf’s Head

Jessica Cole Philip Kaplan John Ettinger Hope Weissler Adaeze Ogakwu Dan Hornung Nick Murphy Julia Averbuck Peregrine Heard Ryan Brenner

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Courtney Fukuda Kevin Adkisson Guillermo Peralta Dezzy Ogakwu Armine Afeyan Rhetta Nadas


Yael Zinkow Pete Croughan Ming-Toy Taylor Margot Benedict Kenny Castañeda Lily Boettcher Naz El-Khatib Scott Shinton Miyuki Hino Adrienne Spiegel Nico Barawid Alex Birks Reggie Willhite Kenny Castañeda

Book and Snake

Dara Dickson Sable Worthy Sam Lee Charlie Paris Sam Power Ryan Dowd Lucy Brady Farah Al-Qasimi Keith Rubin Emmanuel Ramirez Albert McWilliams Carmen Chambers Bryan Farris Isabel Elliman Alexis Lighten

Ceres Athena Lake McManus Shai Kamin Sarah Krinsky Samantha Sanders Alex Cohen Ben Daus-Haberle

Francisco Feliz Emily Cooley William Smith Katharine Pitt Naomi Chou Ashok Chandran Ben Watsky

Looking Glass

Alison Altman Kathleen Powers Ashley Lamica Courtney Rubin McKaye Neumeister Cathy Chamberlin Lydia Stepanek Nina Beizer Emma Czaja Allie Bauer Jaya Wen

Spade and Grave

Madeline Adams Nick Finger Joe Alagna Nathan Richards Joe Schottenfeld Liz Dervan Sarah DeLappe Carly De Feis Max Wilson Emmanuelle Pickett Cecily Sackey Charlie Osbourne Erin Velez Devin Smith Jin Lee Stephanie Cuevas

Manuscript Nell Klugman Austin Bernhardt Raffi Friedman Lily Lamb-Atkinson Michael Blume

Amir Sharif Joe Morris Brendan Ternus Andrew Kraszewski Peter Beck Chris Lopresti Victoria Rogers Gaby Jenn Annie Shi Charlotte ThunHohenstein


Jeff Kaiser Annie Pope Tom Sanchez Tiffany Ho Etkin Tekin Kaylee Weil Michelle Cashen Thomas Howard Jeffrey C. Cripe Agustín Paniagua Tasnim Motal Enma Victoria Joey Mensah Conor Dooney


Nabeem Hashem Rawan Maki John Yi Nolan Green Angie Ramirez Ilan Ben Meir Emily Shulan Margaret Greenberg Ben Bowles Kevin Moore Drew Baldwin Samantha Kim Attwood Elias Quijano

Nathan Hale

Travis Gidado Claude de Jocas

Duck Ju Kang Linda Chang Eric Jones Cleo Handler Macrine CooperWhite Emily Bernstein Alex Thomas Colin Ross Merve Gurel Sebastian Caliri Jules Terrain Anne Lovelace

St. Elmo’s

Greta Stetson Jose Dario Martinez Alexandra Addison Simon Chaffetz Alexander Krey Christopher Luu Michael Gabriel Emily Dominski Hope Kronman Zach Tobolowsky Erin Carter Laynie Johnson Josh Kozel Collin Still

Red Mask

Bridget Hearst Jenny Witthuhn Michelle Modest. Alana Gebhart Liz Cui Maria Yagoda Nadia Jiminez Molly Goodkind Christina Ruiz Allison Scharfstein, Talis Trevino Sarah Brown


Colton Staab Matthew Bieszard Leticia Perez Stephanie Cousins Jon Martin Monica Shoji

Django Broer-Hellerman Ed Ewell Andrew Patrick Alex Beltes Bryan Balvaneda Monica Shoji Jordan Zimmerman Alexia Cesar Rachael Styer Jolene Wang Seinne Flemming

Myth and Sword

Andrew Esposito Shivani Amar Khalid Pagan Justine Kolata Brittany Blackstone Brittany Bowman Kevin Ho Maddie Haddon Will Kim Luke Bradford Riley O’Neill Cristine Piñon Nahrek Hartoonian Lissa Schreurs Eesan Balakumar


Emily Langowitz Lauren Provini Allison Grubbs Andrene Dabaghi Hayes Hyde Soramon Ploy Urapeepatanapong Catherine Osborn Alex Hess Shabdha Chigurupati Lindsay Gellman

Cup and Crown Pat Rutan CJ Uy

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Samuel Lasman Mary Jo Toothman Andy Hackbarth Rhett Anderson Chad Walker Danae Sossidis Rachel LaViola Tom James Sloane Heller Jen Mosby

Amy Rosenblum Gabriel Fernandez Rahim Sayani Katey McDonald Lily Lewis-McNeil Laura Blake Lissy Colyer


Ari Berkowitz Emanouil Davris Edie Joseph Greg Mittl Carl Chauvin Lexi van Arkel Ben Liu Cliff Foreman Claire Henly Alejandro Torres David Helene Cyprien Sarteau Christina Marmol Jeannette Penniman Jenny Guyton David Ludwig Jeffrey Hartsough Joan Gass Katherine Hopkins Kyle Cooper Nikki Griggs Tasia Smith Evan Coates Egidio DiBenedetto Brad Pough Peter Damrosch Lorenzo RamosJosh Howard Mucci Soup Paul Austin Trow Dan Frascella Callie Kemmer Bedford Booth Aly Kerr John Williams Andy Brown Matt Ramirez Eva Jimenez Jared Webber Julian Sheinbaum John Holden Amanda Grady Rob Struckett Alicia Vesley Jackie Parilla Daniel Spector Will Anderson Ethan Carlson Morgan Welch Paul Orland Willa Slaughter Will Moritz


Whiskey and Coke


Cage and Feather

Kyle Miller Nico Casasanto Adam Weiner Nora Caplan Bricker Gabriella Biondo Philip Bronstein Rachel London Bennett Walsh Mirtala Romilia William Desmond Sanchez Taylor Lasley Danielle Wiggins Tom Detlefs Chandrika SrivasHarris Eppsteiner


M AY 2 0 1 2

tava Mollie DiBrell


Lisa Andrekovich Christine Jun Julia Lemle Bea Koch Madeline Kelly Gabriella Kelly Katie Cordell Christina Huffington Ariel Troy Haley Malchione Isobel Rosenthal

Fork and Knife

Jim Berry Casey Blue James Marcus DiLallo Rebecca Distler Matt Boone Virginia Waldrop Alyssa Schaeffer Sam Teicher Keith Pfirman Mich’ale Simmons Laurel Casey Lizzie Donger Ohioma Oni-Eseleh


Conner Youngblood Charlie Neil Rob MacMillan Nick Jaskowiak Matt Schmidt Michael Jones Meaghan Watters Courtney Grafton Kelsey Merghart Mia Rosai Verena Lehner Genny Ladiges Ana Marichal Meg Johnson Alex Benz

Josh Baker

Joel Obizalo Brandon Alfred Caroline Crow Aleca Hughes Anya van WagtenAlexis Mitchell donk Laurelin Kruse Dominique Jefferson Amelie Peisl Alexa Monti Jacqueline Sahlberg Lexi Peacock Kathleen O’Keefe Heather Grant Katherine Dyke Lauren Rosenthal Sophie Kramer Nell Klugman Farnaz Gulamhus- Brandon Keeler sein Tiffany Polk Katharine Gallogly Thomas Sanchez Snigdha Sur Keith Rubin Lauren Davis Mark Sonnenblick Yael Zinkow Sarah Rosen



Leviathan Chloe Zale Chloe Sarbib Jacque Feldman Will Koh Alex Kg Evin Grody Clayton Erwin Lauren Motzkin

Double Cuffs

John Heroy Erica Blonde Courtney Engle Joanna Cornell Gabriel Perlman Lisa Wang David Chan Monish Shah Emma McBurney Sam Bekenstein


David Mogilner Ashan Reddy Faizaan Kisat Matthew Miller Jamie Biondi Jake Cohen Marty Keil

Nine Ball

Chris Dennen Jeff Fell Eric Blumenkrantz Greg Mangano Josh Grizzard Ben Ashcraft Jordan Haynes Robby Berner Charles Brockett Michael Pratt Brian O’Neill

YPSRT/ Sage and Chalice

Calah Singleton Mia Yabut Sara Egozi Kevin Peel Willi Mae Rechler Lars Knudsen David Walker Joel Samaha Vicki Brook Greg Lyons Amanda Gould Alicia Darnell Edwards Wiese


Chelsea Locarno Chris Murphy Ben Gifford

TNC (Truth and Courage) Sam Clayman Matt Chesky Matt Bataglia Reid Spiller Rico Bautista Jason Gus Goksu Bicer Jake McKenzie

Mace and Chain

Michael Singleton Greg Mahony Taylor Cramm George Cook Whitney Quackenbush Gabriel Barcia Tatiana Schlossberg Nick Schnieder Chad Zeigler Lepi Jha Rachel Rosenberg Ashley Edwards Michael Gocksch Eli Mitchell-Larson

Ink and Needle

Carina Sposato Kevin Hoffman Lauren Lisann Rob Morse Sam Helfaer Eric Shultz Lisa Pan Erica Pool Nicolas SimmonsSterns Paul Robalino Jessica Rosenthal


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R u m p u s

and some JUNIOR SOCIETIES... Asylum

Andrew Marconi Barbara Paradis Lila Ghosh Jake Amatruda Erik Urosa Jacob Effron Charles Gyer Adriana Ortiz Gus Steyer Sanjena Sathian Danny Victorio Liza Starr Daniel Rebello Caroline Jaffe Katie Donley Chinh Pham Demetri Goutos Eliana Dockerman Lindsey Mischner Aviva Musicus Molly HensleyClancy Alex Brown


Stephanie Goldstein Brian Ruwe Katie D’Andrea Zola Quao Josh Scharff Chris Piwinski Zack Graham Tori Flannery Anne Bozik Christy Nelson Annelies Gamble Tommy Winger Caitlin Hudson Carson Weinand Kevin Peterson Tony Wilbar Avery Lanman Claire Smilow


Joan Weaver Russell Perkins Jared Lovett Annie Keating Isabel Bird Stephanie Ross Aisha Matthews Tara Feld Lindsay Andsager Raisa Bruner Eric Spies Tom Lynam Phil Mastroyannis Ian Graves Yuval Bussi Chris Vasseur Seppi Colloredo Sarah Matthes Haley Wessels Jenny Butwin Bobby Thalman Eliza Hastings


Jessie Shor Lian Zucker Kim McCabe Emily Yin Katie Donley Mattie Wheeler Pooja Mehta Aaron Feuer Dan Berensen Eli Markham Ilya Uts Casey Sumner Rohit Thummalapalli Sanket Karuri Josh Pugil


Girls: Heather May Ellie Monahan Chloe Drimal Victoria Lawrence Devon Rhodes Torrey Leroy Tricia Berkanish Katie Harrison Victoria Buhler Mary Beth Barham Elizabeth Epstein Alyssa Zupon Tara Tomimoto Alex Burston Julie Shain Guys: Harry Picone Ben Singleton Marc Powers Austin Morgan Grant Stegelmann Mike Dominski John Huang Cam Squires Arturo Garcia Sam Martin Albert Chang Scott Williams John Powers Adrian Wright Brian Leffler

CLASS OF 2013 TAPS Spaghetti *Denotes 50 Most Wolf’s 2012 and Head 2013 Meatballs Omar Njie Skull and Michael Solotke (S&M) Lunn Bones 2013 Kevin Kat Piper Gus Steyer Tatiana Piskula Nick Lombardo Charles Holmes Lexi Adams Isha Ambani Noah Gray Xan Tanner Aarica West Daniel Hoffman Mike Grace Jenna Poggi Richard Dodd Margaret Ayers George Hunter Chris Dooley Collin Bibb Frank Shaw Charlton Field Brendan Ross Emily Desmeules Teresa Benet Jennfer Ong Danielle Barack Thomas Meyer

Lawrence Lim Yishai Schwartz Samer Sabri Bay Gross Max de La Bruyere Cody McCoy Meredith Potter Ilana Harris-Babou Julian Reid Liz Asai* Jacob Paul Tantum Collins Maddy Sharp* Amalia Skilton Fatymatou Dia

Scroll and Key 2013 Cassius Clay Natalya Immanuel Diana Saverin David Carel Nicolas MedinaMora Aaron Feuer Sinye Tang Jessica Oddie Willa Fitzgerald Xiaosheng Mu Henry Gottfried Adele JacksonGibson Orlando Hernandez Christy Nelson Josh Penny*

Ellie Morse Brian Ruwe Katie Ballaine Nolan Becker Chantal Ghanney Nathan Yohannes Sanjena Sathian James Campbell Adri Ortiz Diana Enriquez Leeron Tur-Kaspa Victoria Buhler

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Lydia Stepanek Senior Editor

M AY 2 0 1 2


Well, kids, it’s been fun times, but I will in fact be graduating this May. (No idea how I pulled that off.) As a graduating senior, I often think about what life will be like after Yale. College has been a good time, and I’m pretty sure law school isn’t all the hookers and blow it’s made out to be. But honestly, the more I think about graduation, the more I realize that I’m not going to miss everything about Yale. So, for the last time, I’m going to allow my vitriol to spill forth, for a list of really irritating things about Yale that I’ll be glad to never have to deal with again. 1) A cappella groups Students at Yale often comment that one of the nice things about Yale is that the Greek scene is really laid back, i.e., almost nonexistent. Not that that bothers me – not everyone is bro enough to be frat. Perfectly reasonable. What bothers me is that Greek life so much smaller than a cappella. Now don’t get me wrong, I respect the talent of these performers (actually, only SHADES), mostly because singing is one of the things on my list of “Things Reese Cannot Do” (right up there with “giving birth” and “losing weight”). My problem with them

mostly stems from the fact that, unlike fraternities, they don’t really contribute to campus social life aside from giving singers something to do. Yale frats throw parties, make asses of themselves, and remind people that Yale is college. A cappella groups, on the other hand, ululate and engage in choreography. Oh, and also? A cappella groups contribute to idea that Yale is just one big College Musical. That’s right – a cappella is to blame for “That’s Why I Chose Yale.” A cappella has killed masculinity in favor of every Glee-adoring, Rent-extra wannabe who can carry a tune and read and add good. Thanks, you godless ululaters.

to be different that you have to listen to music by bands that fewer people than the membership in Yale College Republicans have heard of? It’s great that you lost your Vcard in the back of your daddy’s Lexus at age 14 and got your first fake ID at 16, but we all have little quirks that don’t necessitate lifestyles that put you on the fringe of society. It’s one thing to be different, but it’s an entirely different thing if a place as artificially diverse and gut-wrenchingly tolerant as Yale sees fit to mock you, right alongside Fox News and Scientology. In other words, you are to Yale what furries are to the Internet fetish community.

2) Hipsters Wow, where to begin? As if Yale wasn’t insular enough, we now have a subculture of pompous, Pitchfork-reading drones that dress like a thrift store threw up on them and who have the gall to criticize poplar trends. I can’t walk down the street without seeing at least one glass-eyed mouth-breathers puffing on a cigarette while wearing Buddy Holly glasses and sporting a “totally ironic” mustache. And since when did irony devolve from a literary device to a justification for poor taste? Is it really so necessary

3) Weather Don’t let the springtime fool you – New Haven weather absolutely blows for the majority of the school year. If it’s not

pouring rain, it’s snowing; if it’s not snowing, it’s bone-chillingly windy; and if it’s none of the above, then it’s just cold and miserable. I’m not one to argue that only one detail or preference should define one’s perception of a place or person, but I find it pretty hard to divorce the weather from my perception of Yale simply because I’ve lived here for FOUR LONG, UNHOLY YALE WINTERS. In fact, I’m happy I’m not smart enough to stay in New England for law school – the weather sucks and makes people miserable. Goodbye, ugly Connecticut rain and gloom; hello, beautiful Kentucky sunshine and bluegrass (and bourbon!)

Pictured: Yale in winter

Only one of these is actually enjoyable. (SPOILER ALERT: it’s the one without neckties. Or shirts)

4) STEP You had to know this one was coming. Of course, members of STEP care about the environment and our re-


School spirit – not seen at Yale since 1954 lationship with it. That’s not a showcase for the fine – I can live with that. NBA’s rookie class (yeah, What I can’t live with Kentucky). But shorting is their Yale-sanctioned on support for athletics attack upon our right to also diminishes school choose our own lifestyles. spirit. If there were an orSuccessful college athganization on campus letics make people proud that sought to change to attend their institution any other aspect of our and foster a community lifestyles, such as political spirit. Then, the heightideology or sex life, based ened expectations of fans only upon that organizaare proportional to both tion’s principles, it would current athletes’ perforlast about as long as a mance on the field or in lamb in a slaughterhouse. the court and the quality But as we all know, at of future recruits. In other Yale, self-righteousness words, this problem is isn’t just tolerated in totally fixable. groups dedicated to soBut that’s not going cial change – it’s encourto happen because Yale aged. My hated of STEP can coast on its tradition is similar to my hatred of of academic excellence Duke – utter, total, unwithout ever having to equivocal. Which brings change. Why invest in me to… petty things like school spirit and athletic pride 5) Utter Lack of Athletwhen students will be ic (and School) Spirit so grateful to have the Speaking as both a colprivileges that an Ivy lege sports fan and as a League education affords former Yale cheerleader, that they’ll grit and bear I can say without a doubt anything? Such as, everythat the Ivy League has thing on this list. the sorriest excuse for a Writing this column has fan base that I’ve ever been a lot of fun, and I seen. And it’s a shame. especially appreciate the I love our athletes – people who have come some of my best friends up told me about how at Yale are athletes, as are much they’ve loathed/ most of my DKE brothloved/hated it. The only ers. As a cheerleader, I advice I leave you with saw pitiful attendance is this: always question and found that psyching the world around you, up the crowd was harder never be satisfied with than placating an outthe status quo, and, of raged Yale feminist. course, keep on hating – Now, I know Yale is ultimately, it is the only supposed to be an institu- way to show you care. tion of higher learning,


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R u m p u s

Betches love this school: yale 1. Yorkside

Remember when you ate an entire pepperoni pizza at Yorkside at 1 A.M. after binge-drinking yourself into a coma? Of course you don’t, you were blackout before you left the pregame. Even if you didn’t make it to the frat, every Yale betch has an instinctive GPS that will take her straight to Yorkside (or for those post-2AM nights, GHeav or A1). If you don’t have enough Sunday Morning Regrets already, late night Yorkside is the perfect reason to spend your entire Sunday at Payne-Whitney, examining your life decisions on the treadmill while trying to figure out which of the colleges you need to complete the residential college challenge. Yorkside is also the perfect intermediary step between Toad’s and #5 The Walk of Shame, where you can feel better about yourself by #2 hating QPackers who will have a similar night to yours but then fail to find a job after college.

2. Hating QPackers

It’s 11 P.M. on a Saturday, you’re sufficiently buzzed and power walking to Box for nachos and a couple shots of Patron when you find yourself accosted by a pack of overly-cologned, under-dressed and aggressively belligerent creatures. No, you haven’t

stepped onto the set of Ke$ha’s newest video or the latest Jersey Shore episode. You have just encountered New Haven’s most dangerous species: Qpackers. Every Saturday, they migrate to their natural habitat--the one block radius around ABP--where they mark their territory (possibly with bodily fluid). After invading the cesspool that is Saturday Night Toad’s, they can be found in the #1 Yorkside bathrooms either cuddling the toilet or taking a pregnancy test. Regardless, they have given Yale betches something we can all agree upon: Hating QPackers.

3. Bass

This is the perfect Yale betch solution to the typical “study v. socialize” dilemma. While going to Bass is a guaranteed way to ensure that you won’t get work done, the fact that you’re surrounded by books and frat boys on Adderall makes you feel exponentially more productive than you would if you were watching that same episode of Real Housewives of Wherever in your dorm. Bass has something for everyone: prime view of #4 Athletes being unproductive, a café for food cravings when #1 Yorkside is too far away, and some guy in a red hat that has become a campus obsession.

4. Sports Teams/Athletes

A Yale betch’s taste in men falls into a number of categories (for those who team-hop, at least):

faction and shame, to see if someone you hooked up with is mentioned as Athlete of the Week? If not, then you’re probably a hipster.

The Preppy Betch – Golf, sailing, squash, 5. The Walk of Shame polo… this girl has conquered every terrain of preps. On at least one occasion, she has had to do the #5 Walk of Shame in seersuckers and boat shoes that her man-ofthe-night lent her. Often, she plays one of these sports as well, and thus was bred to love cardigans, white visors, and boarding school.

The International Betch – This girl concen-

trates on the crew and rugby teams, and her ears perk up at the sound of a foreign accent. She takes any opportunity to lament the travesty that is American football, as she finds it better when men don’t wear protection (in athletics, of course).

The All-American Betch – The nemesis

(and/or secret bestie) of the International Betch, this girl is drawn to DKE and ADPhi like a stoner is drawn to a Wenzel. If you’re patting yourself on the back for not falling into one of these categories, think again. Have you ever looked up a team roster on the Yale Athletics page? Eaten dinner at Morse-Stiles to get a glimpse of postworkout athletes? Read the Sports section of the YD”N”, both out of satis-

With Saturday nights come the inevitable Sunday mornings when you realize you’re going to have to walk from Pierson to TD in your 5-inch stilettos after a frat party whose theme was “Bright and Tight.” However, any Yale betch knows that the Walk of Shame can be incredibly efficient. For one thing, it provides a perfect opportunity to read all your text messages from the night before and listen to voicemails of your friends crying about their nights. It is rare, given the ten readings you have due tomorrow, that you will find another opportunity to decode “cOWK!iefo toii WJsidelf” to “Come to (#1)Yorkside.” The sole downfall of the Walk of Shame is the awkward runin you will inevitably have with your ex/froco/ dean/mother (parents’ weekend only) in which you will have to explain why you were “out for a stroll” in your pink bandeau and gold spandex shorts at 10AM. The only way around this is to form a buddy system with your suitemate so you can both walk back from the #4 hockey/ crew/swim house to-


6. The Vodka Cemetery

This is the guaranteed way to subtly prove your alcoholism when inviting your friends from a different college to pregame in your suite. A downplayed version of the idea to line your mantle with empty cans of Keystone, the vodka cemetery is an easy way to figure out how many times any given suite has had a suitemate throw up at #1 Yorkside (general rule: 3 bottles = 1 boot). It also saves your suite cleaning time and eliminates the need to take out the garbage (as if anyone has since Camp Yale anyways). If Yale won’t let betches light real fires in the fireplace, the next best fire hazard is of course bottles filled with Svedka in the common room cemetery (that is, if you didn’t already finish them at the pregame) and a bunch of #7 dorm posters to catch on fire.

7. Dorm Posters

It’s senior year of high school and you just got your roommate assignment. After deleting every picture off your Facebook from before junior year and setting your profile picture to one of you doing the only kegstand you’ve ever done, you don’t think you can look any cooler. But then, you real-

ize you’re missing one thing: posters. Every Yale bro must have in his dorm one of the following: a poster from The Godfather, a picture of Bob Marley with an inspiring quote on it— even though you only own 2 songs by him, and a box of Miller Lite that you drank in your parents’ garage with a couple friends that you’ll soon tell your new roommate was a “rager.” If you’re a girl, the range of posters is only slightly more diverse: a collage of you and your BFFs that took you 8 hours to do but you pretended took 5 minutes, an artsy picture of a city you haven’t visited (but you’re sooo gonna study abroad there), or a picture of a famous female icon of empowerment (Note: this will be weird for both parties involved when you’re staring at a picture of Rosie the Riveter during your hook up with a #4 athlete). But no matter your gender, you are absolutely required to have a “For God, For Country, and For Yale” poster somewhere in your suite. Because even though you’re living in a Yale dorm on Yale’s campus, that #2 QPack slut you mistakenly brought home better know you had a fucking 4.0 in high school.

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Rump Chat: Behind the Scenes Dilan Gomih EIC Although we delude ourselves into believing Rumpus has always been a campus guilty pleasure, this year Rump Chat seems to have taken the campus by storm. Next to having Mary Miller in 50 Most and not getting sued for the last few years, Rump Chat is definitely one of Rumpus’ finest achievements. We want to thank you, our faithful readers for making our pilot year such a success. We couldn’t do it without your drunken nights, crazy hookup stories, and aggressive library frustrations. Although Rumpus usually keeps its operations under wraps (a.k.a. we try not to drunkenly spill our/your secrets), we thought we might give a small behindthe-scenes look into Rump Chat. How did Rump Chat start? Literally Rump Mama D-Money thought of it over the summer at 1am while pretending to listen to her 42-year old Swedish housemate ramble on about meta- physicality and ecstasy. Its origin didn’t make sense, but the rationale totally did: Why give

the campus RumpusRumpus four times a year when we could dish it up everyday? Is Rump Chat filtered? Hell yes. On any given day, we probably post 25% of the posts that we get. Believe it or not, Rumpus has some morals and we are careful about what we publish. Unsurprisingly, we get a lot of batshit stories about people and despite our policy of anonymity, a lot of people still send in names of who their submitting about (and sometimes even let us know who they are). When that happens, we strip the name and do our best to par down identifying factors. Although in our issues we are more liberal about calling betches out on their shiyat, Rump Chat works because of its abstraction. When you read Rump Chat, you just know that someone, somewhere on Yale’s campus did something---and somehow, it’s still provocative and gets the people going. Occasionally, it gets brought to our atten-

tion that something was too pointed and we change it. Unless of course, that person is a total betch in which case, we don’t give a frick. We also filter because as much as we love knowing everyone’s shiyat, there are some things that we realize the entire world doesn’t need to know: a) some things are

getting sued thing. What are a few things you’ve learned about the campus? -A lot more people are apparently looking for love but are too scared of getting rejected,. To this we say, just ask someone out and if it doesn’t work out…. sorry. There were a few days where we felt

-People send in crazy things at 4am (@Anonymous that submitted about peanut butter on his dick---that was really weird). -A lot of people were pissed off about society #guyliterallycryingovernotgettingtapped -People should have more black lit parties -A lot of people want to know sexual orientations of Mr. Yale guys

like GoodCrushYale because of how many people were asking to get set up. It was fun, but Rump Chat isn’t really for that. Maybe next year we’ll try to find a Rumpus-y way to hook y’all up. -People like to pee in a lot of exotic places. #showushowtogetonroofofSSS -Athletes use the word “normie” for non-athletes (What is this, Sweet Valley High?”)


drunkenly spending all of her Durfee’s points for the semester on cookies and donuts? Anonymous reported: Woman walks into Durfee’s and grabs an orange, “Imma take this.” Woman behind the counter replies, “Get it, honey! We are the 99%.” ... is this why everything costs twice as much?

Anonymous reported: Freshman football What are some of players seen fall off Rumpus’ favorite bar at DKE party, cut his head open, proRump Chats? ceed to grind and get A n o n y m o u s head in the middle reported: Over- of the dance floor, h e a r d i n T D then hours later go to dining hall. Girl Alpha Delta to get a t a b l i n g : “ C a n sandwich where he you please sign realized he had blood this letter to the dripping down his Governor? We’re back. He then walked petitioning the to Yale Health to get abolishment of his head stapled. What the death penalty.” a night. Girl walking by: “I’m Long story short, from Texas.” we’ve had a great pilot What senior boy took year and we look fora research trip down ward to Yale producpast our southern bor- ing even more ratchetder (Mexico that is) ness. #leggo2016 and then did the same to a 16 year-old boy P.S. Anytime Rumthere? Luckily he came pus said something back to Yale before grumbly about being the authorities—or too drunk to think, the boy’s Catholic more often than not we just couldn’t think mother—found out. of anything witty to Which sophomore say. Now we can tell was seen in a toga our psychiatrist that

RUMP CHAT GOOGLE ANALYTIC STATS APRIL 2012 Visits: 56,199 SEP. 1 2011- MAY 1 2012 Visits: 235,349 Unique Visitors: 45,536 actually too horrible to post b) some of it isn’t THAT funny c) some things are pretty sensitive. We’ve gotten submissions about everything from abortions to inappropriate academic allegations to just silly vendettas. As interesting/terrifying as it is reading all of these things, we post with caution because we have somewhat of a social conscience and we love that not

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Society – A Tap’s Perspective Christina Brasco Staff Writer

On the list of douchey Yale things, being in a society is at the very top. Regardless of the fact that we already attend an elite institution, many juniors and seniors take it a step further, taking part in the antiquated traditions of exclusive secret societies. This seems pretty silly to most people, both in and outside of Yale. On preordained nights in April, sophomores and juniors are “tapped” by taking part in a combination of embarrassing activities, dressing in insane costumes and taking orders from their elders. So why do we go through this humiliation simply to be thrown together with a group of people we may never have met? Why do we attend the secretive interviews, knowing that the ques-

tions to be posed will likely be overly personal and prying? These, among others, are the questions I asked myself on a Sunday night as I romped around campus in a dinosaur costume, gathering strange looks from unsuspecting prefrosh and an elderly couple on Chapel Street. My tap night “teammates” and I were given several tasks, ranging from standing on a table in Sterling to things that are simply not fit to print. And we performed them without even a second thought. Some might say we’re crazy, stupid, or desperate. I happen to disagree. The answers to my questions came to me when we arrived at the ultimate destination: a suite in Stiles where our official “initiation” would take place. Before being allowed into the room one by one, we stood (excited and possibly a little

nervous) in an empty hallway outside. We discussed our elaborations upon the tasks set out for us at the beginning of the night and made plans for a hangover breakfast the next morning (since many of us would be waking up to attend classes that, at the moment, we were pretending did not exist). I realized then and there that the people around me were kindred spirits. Some I already knew and some I never would have met otherwise. But we were already talking about our lives as though we had been friends for years. Somehow, the older members of our new society had found the wisdom to put us together, forcing us to bond through mutual mortification. One could take the cynical view that societies are nothing more than an excuse to drink and stroke our already massive

egos. But perhaps societies give us the rare chance to completely expose ourselves (in metaphorical and sometimes literal senses (shout out to the pretap party that moved to a naked party!) to a group of people with similar personalities and experiences. It seems to me (granted, a slightly naïve and freshly tapped sophomore) that they are about trust. Not only in the members of your class but in the class above you. When accepting a

SUGGESTED 2013 Spring Fling Acts 1. Hologram Tupac 2. Hologram Sam Tsui 3. Hologram Baby Blue Ivy (she’ll be able to sing and dance by next year, right?) 4. Hologram Gaga 5. One Direction (live version of “What Makes You Beautiful” with all of Yale’s 50 Most-ers)

tap, you acknowledge that they know you and your comrades well enough to put together a

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A Day In The Life of the YPU Alex Goel, Rumpus Managing Editor, has spent the last several months deeply immersing himself in popular Yale student organizations for anthropological purposes. Here he draws on his research to recreate a Day in the Life of a member of one of Yale’s most prestigious organizations.

cohesive group and blindly plunge into a year-long journey of drinking and storytelling.

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YPU: The Yale Political Union is an assembly of politically-minded students who get together every week to debate super important topics. Here is a day in the life of a YPU member: I wake up at 6am, feeling well-rested,

chipper, and ready to debate about pretentious shit. I read the New York Times cover to cover. It only takes me seven minutes, mostly because I already know what happens. I go to the computer cluster to print out 10,000 posters with unnecessarily bold headlines to advertise my party’s debate. Today’s topic, Resolved: Ban Seatbelts. I can already feel the campus dialogue being generated. Next, I put on my nicest suit and head down to tonight’s YPU meeting where a famous guest speaker will be

presenting. Howard Dean again? Score. Maybe one day I realize that the only reason the YPU can bring in speakers like Howard Dean and Mark Sanford is because they are unemployed and have nothing better to do. The question and answer session with Governor Dean is intense. It’s almost as if I’m on the floor of the Senate. After the presentation, I see Howard Dean in the bathroom and literally pee my pants even though I had just fully relieved myself in the bathroom three seconds earlier.

Of course, I quickly pull myself together, change pants, and walk down to the sweet YPU after-party in the basement of Vandy. Inside, there are eight cases of Manischewitz (my favorite), some Earl Grey tea, and a candlelit shrine to Fareed Zakaria. And, omg. Howard Dean is here. I pass out.

HOOK UP BINGO Someone who’s name you didn’t know 12 college challenge


One of the guys at Gheav

In someone else’s bed

an entire suite

50 most-er

brandon levin

rumpus staffer

At an initiation event

on a day you didn’t shower

frisbee team



grad student

in the stacks

4-5-6-7 year club


on the title ix committee

w/ someone that has been rumpchatted

your froco

dining hall worker

Had a hookup that was reported on Rump

your friend’s screw date Who you didn’t know but FB stalked