Friday 3 November 2006
felix
PUZZLES
33
sudoku.felix@imperial.ac.uk
Sudoku 1,362
This Week’s Horoscopes
Complete the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 square contains the digits 1 to 9. Email your solution to sudoku. felix@imperial.ac.uk by Tuesday 9am. We will randomly select a winner to receive either a 128MB USB stick or a crate of beer. You must claim your prize within a week.
Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov)
Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar)
Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul)
If you can read this, you’re too fucking close. That girl there you’ve been eyeing for the last half hour over your lunch doesn’t like you. In fact, she and her friends are discussing whether your penis is small, or really fucking small. You suck; your penis is tiny.
Aliens invade today, and force the most intelligent to pair off and mate non-stop. Unfortunately, it appears that physical beauty and intelligence are inversely proportional to one another, and you end up getting knob chafe off a minger. Hahahaha.
You’re really irritating. In fact, your mere presence makes me want to barf up my large intestine. You have the fetid body odour of a whale carcass, and your small-minded, viciously racist political ideals make nuns cry. In short, I hate you.
Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec)
Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr)
Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug)
Everybody welcome Chris Hemmens to the arena! That ker-ray-zee mofo has contributed to Gemini this week. An initiation ceremony of child abuse and anal beads awaits you, Chris! Now assume the position and let the pop-pop-popping commence!
You’re offended by the horoscopes, and believe that flaming, fusing balls of hydrogen thousands of millions of miles away can influence your day to day life. Congratulations! You have the intellectual capacity of a gnat, and the good looks of rabid goat.
Critics describe your next week as ‘stunning’, ‘a breathtaking tour de force’ and ‘the best thriller since The Ipcress File’. You receive three academy award nominations, while your stuntman receives two. In the end, you both only win one. You are both pleased.
Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan)
Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May)
Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept)
What are you doing in my house? Get your feet out of my slippers, prick. Is that a pipe? You’ve got ash all over the carpet! Get out, I’m calling the police. GET OUT. Now. You are about to go on a long journey in a whole world of hurt. In a big white ambulance.
You wouldn’t believe how hard it is (for me the intruder) to come up with twelve funny things to say. I haven’t even managed one, and I’m over halfway down the page already. Having said that, it’s still funnier than the Felix comics. But then, so is amoebic dysentery.
Horoscope brethren: apologies. A bearded intruder has abused our hallowed page. Damage limitation methods were employed, but not entirely successfully. If you see a hairy man: kill him. Leave no trace. Shadow hide you. Fear nothing.
Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb)
Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun)
Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22)
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling. The barman tells him he can win a lot of money if he pays a tenner and can get them down. He responds: “Forget it, the steaks are too high”. I think we can all learn from this parable.
The entire staff of Windsor Castle will be camping on your doorstep tomorrow. It became clear poor recycling figures for the UK was your fucking fault. You protest their protest by burning an urban fox you captured a week ago. They cheer and crown you king.
The masked psychopath aims his assault rifle at your head. To kick his legs out from beneath him, turn to page 18. To break his face, turn to page 71. To run like a pathetic coward, turn to drugs in an attempt to assuage the guilt of leaving everyone to die.
6
8
9
1
4
6
2
3
5
4
8
2
9
7
9
1
3
6
4
5
4
7
8
2
3
1
2 9 5
9 Jotting pad
Solution to 1,361 8 9 4 5 6 2 1 7 3
5 2 3 1 7 8 9 4 6
1 7 6 4 3 9 8 5 2
6 1 9 3 4 7 5 2 8
2 3 5 8 9 6 7 1 4
4 8 7 2 5 1 6 3 9
7 5 8 6 2 3 4 9 1
3 4 1 9 8 5 2 6 7
9 6 2 7 1 4 3 8 5
Thanks to everyone who entered. Remi Williams: a winner is you. Keep those entries coming in!
Felix Crossword 1,362 1
7
2
3
8
4
5
Rawden 6
10
9
11 12
13
14 16
17
20
15 15
18
21
22
19
23
24
ACROSS
1 Patron entrance with Nigel initially in the middle (5) 5 Dance Italian with Gallium! (5) 7 Clone lion does the same thing (7) 9 Applaud on/off farewell (7) 11 Transposed in rhyme (7) 12 Oh, after brief interim pulse (5) 13 Requires dense mayhem (5) 14 See with PR stuck in splurge (5) 20 No French bike. Missing? Oh, new (5) 22 Sounds like an insect upstairs (5) 23 Be mad! No upset tummy (7) 24 Poorly equal, French criminal (7) 25 Address at inside a Constellation (7) 26 Born with Virtual Reality? When hell freezes over! (5) 27 Endlessly, Abe consumed decline (5)
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Jotting pad
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27
Send your answers to sudoku.felix@imperial.ac.uk or bring this page down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Tuesday 9am. Each week, we’ll choose a winner, who will receive both kudos and £10. Last week’s winner is Paul Kirk. Well done, Paul. You must claim your prize within a week. Everyone who provides us with a correct solution will get an entry into our prize draw at the end of the year.
DOWN
1 Cleaning dirtied? Toad, I am innocent! (15) 2 Argument decrease without Ed (7) 3 Covet a tangled eigth (6) 4 Precise clergyman follows mains (8) 5 Bond consuming fifty mild (7) 6 A long shot - possible, but not indoors (2,7,6) 8 Superior dash (5) 10 Fix Royal Institution vet (5) 15 Nude plum startled swinger (8) 16 Assist a cover, we hear (5) 17 Pink whistler you wouldn’t want to drop (7) 18 Second and first not applicable headgear (7) 19 Implements in misty light (5) 21 Short Emma, order raise! (6)
Greetings, crossword fans! This week’s crossword has a lot of Cs in it. I tried to keep them out, but they sneaked in through the window while I wasn’t looking. I was also in a bit of a continental mood while writing the clues. By this I mean, of course, that I couldn’t think of any English words so I used French ones instead. I knew that AS level would come in handy at some point. The good news is that there are absolutely no philosophers, misspelled or otherwise. Poor Friedrich. Rawden Yes, I mis-spelt Nietzsche. Sorry. Scarecrow Solution to Crossword 1,361 N S G B F P S P E C U L A T E
E D I S O N K H E A T A A H N
I H B R X G M A R S U P I A L
T U B E C A S L D T S P U M S
Z B E U U N D A I R Y R E E L
S T R A N D E N T O N S A S L
C R I L I N A X E C V A E N E
H I S T O R Y I W H A T N O T
E U H A N E E V E I L N D O Y
A E C R E C I E O M U S E U M
A L E E D I A R Y E E O A S O
L I C D E R U B E L A O V A L
S C A R E C R O W I O A O K O
A I R U R L M S F U N S U N G
S T A G G E R E D S E H R V Y