/2002_1236_A by Ravi Pall

17 M a y 2002 Issue 1236

The Student Newspaper for Imperial College

http://www.union.ic.ac.uk/felix/

Nothing to do? Fear not, Spider Man is ling. (Page 11)

Adamant To The Fish? If you want to understand, read it yourself... (Page 5)

Botulism Busted The Biochemistry Department is under investigation b y the H e a l t h a n d Safety Executive (HSE) for alleged breaches of Government regulations s u r r o u n d i n g research on dangerous substances. Professor Oliver Dolly, a respected tutor w i t h i n the Biochemistry department, has been suspended b y College authorities for reported irregularities relating to w o r k on the C l a s s 2 strain of genetically modified botulism. A l t h o u g h Professor Dolly's work w a s conducted in a secure environment it is alleged that he failed to notify the H S E before starting work. Exposure to botulism, a highly toxic anaerobic bacterium, c a n lead to s u d d e n a n d horrible death. Felix has learnt that a junior researcher raised the question of H S E authorisation and w a s immediately fired b y Professor Dolly. T h e College authorities w e r e notified a n d a n investigation is n o w being conducted b y the Rector. Professor Dolly w h o w a s escorted from h i s office b y College Security officers - has b e e n given 28 days to respond to allegations. The junior researcher is n o w t a k i n g legal action.

exams are looming ever closer - only found out about h i s enforced vacation through informal channels. It is thought that this lack of communication to the students is due to College and the department attempting to keep the situation as l o w profile as possible, since it is the second major breach of health a n d safety i n a year. T h e College w a s fined ÂŁ45,000 for c o n d u c t i n g H I V research i n a l a b that w a s not properly sealed. They also failed to take appropriate action to remedy the situation once the leak h a d b e e n discovered. The botulism bacterium. Yummy. Professor Dolly h a s been w o r k i n g o n botulism derivates for m a n y years, most recently under a contract funded jointly b y the U n i t e d States Department of Defence a n d a private company ( w hi ch cannot be named for legal reasons). Professor Dolly w a s a r e n o w n e d student tutor, but according to sources w i t h i n the department, h i s tutor group - w h o s e

"Fair trade is not about charity, it's about giving people the dignity of working their way "out of poverty, providing hope for the future." Next Week is Fair Trade Week

Despite the dangers of botulism i n its native form, many people i n the U K have have started to employ its effects b y w a y of a botulism-derived anti-aging cream. Botox, w h i c h is a b o t u l i s m b a s e d product, is injected into the faces of celebrities to tighten muscles, a n d thus reduce fine lines and wrinkles. will & Etienne

college news

Hall Thief Apprehended A m a n h a s been arrested under s u s p i c i o n of theft after he w a s a p p r e h e n d e d w i t h several items of stolen electronics i n the v i c i n ity of Beit H a l l . The m a n i n question w a s already known to both the police a n d to security. A c o u p l e of weeks ago he assaulted a security officer, a n d duri n g h i s apprehension, h e assaulted a further t w o officers, although none of t h e m w e r e seriously hurt.

that he m a y b e connected t o It is k n o w n the the m a n w a s thefts i n other halls, w h i c h s e e m t o have b e e n o n t h e o n bail at t h e time of his reapprehension, b u t h e i s n o w i nc r e as e i n recent m o n t h s . Union President, Sen Ganesh, expressed c o n c e r n at the rise i n crime, | a n d told Felix " W e are continually striving to work w i t h College to improve security i n our h a l l s of r e s i dence. Following recent discussions, to we intend mmm increase the u s e of C C T V i n The Scene of the A r r e s t student areas."

Issue 1236

stolen from students.

i n custody, a n d o n this occaOnce h e h a d b e e n detained sion he i s to b e a c c u s e d of a b y security, t h e police w e r e further four charges, w h i c h called, a n d subsequent to h i s w i l l range from theft to aggraarrest, h e w a s found t o b e i n vated burglary. possession of five mobile teleC u r r e n t l y t h e p o l i c e are phones a n d a laptop, w h i c h l o o king into t h e possibility are t h o u g h to h a v e b e e n

WIN A PRO PLUS BUDDY FOR THE DAY! (that's essentially a slave by the way!) Pro Plus - the student's buddy - have set up a website called EssayFIy, the ultimate tool for students to use for research, revision tactics and stress management. www.essayfiy.com combines hints and tips on revision and exams together with an instant access database of essays posted on the site by students, for students. And to celebrate the launch ofwww.essayfly.com Pro Plus are offering one lucky reader the chance to win a Pro Plus Buddy for a day, which is essentially a slave for the day to help you through the exam period. The winner will be able to command at w i l l whether they want their Buddy to slave over a hot stove, pick up their library books or simply collect the drinks from the bar. To enter just answer this simple question: What is the name of the new revision aid website that has been launched by Pro Plus? Send you entries to felix@ic.ac.uk, subject line: buddy

Several of t h e items found o n the m a n have already b e e n claimed back, a n d if y o u think that you have been the v i c t i m of a theft, y o u s h o u l d contact security. will

17 May 2002 Editor: w i l l Dugdale Deputy Editor: A l i Wren N e w s : Etienne Pollard M u s i c : Dave E d w a r d s Books: J o n M a t t h e w s F i l m : Darius N i k b i n Sports: Vacant C r o s s w o r d : Dr. Hot F u d g e W i t h T h a n k s To: Everyone Felix, Beit Q u a d , Prince Consort Road, L o n d o n , S W 7 2BB Tel: 020 7594 8072 E m a i l : felix@ic.ac.uk Felix is a registered newspaper: ISSN 1040 - 0711 Copyright © Felix 2002 Printed by M C P Litho

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Bananas - Beautiful and Bendy What's u p w i t h bananas then? Well, apart from the obvious, bananas are back on the political agenda. H o w come? M o n k e y m a n Stuart D r u m m o n d h a s b e e n elected Mayor of Hartlepool. Errr... what's the connection? Stuart, the monkey mascot of Hartlepool F C campaigned on a ticket of free bananas for a l l school children. To promote good nutrition? Yes, and as a reminder that the good people of Hartlepool lynched a monkey w h o they thought w a s a French spy for

pleased to see me?" Fairly traded bananas usually come from estates i n t h e Caribbean where worker safety is a h i g h priority, ,._ and family farms " Q u a l i t y

them to improve their lot a n d have more control over their lives. So far, it has made a real difference to the lives of over : • 120,000 farmers of taste ^ .

Coopetrabasur is a co-operative i n Costa Rica, set u p b y former Chiquita workers w h e n the multinational p u l l e d out 20 years ago. In just a few years, Fairtrade has made a difference

A n d for the banana growers? Participation i n the Fair Trade Label has helped small producers i n the Caribbean and plantation workers i n countries like Costa Rica. Don't say: "Yes, w e have no bananas." Do say: "Is that a Fairly Traded Banana or are you just

This coming week, 20-24th May, the Chaplaincy is organising a Fair Trade Week o n campus. Come and find out more!

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Fairly traded coffee w i l l be on sale i n the d a Vinci's all week w i t h free samples and tasting at 12-2pm i n t h e J C R o n Monday, i n Sherfield on Tuesday a n d i n the B M S on Wednesday. Fairtrade goods are available from the Chaplaincy Centre, i n the U n i o n shop a n d i n most local supermarkets a n d health food stores. More information about fairtrade at www.fairtrade.org.uk.

products from the third w o r l d each one of us really can make a difference. By choosing fair trade, w e k n o w that our purchase is helpi n g to provide decent livelihoods for the people w h o grow the ingredients or make t h e products. Fair trade is not about charity, it's about giving people the dignity of working their w a y out of poverty, providing oppor-

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But good for the w o r d s ' g o o d f O O d ' " to plantation workDerek Cooper employ an agronoers? Not often, as mist a n d ecolow a g e s are low, t h e w o r k gists to improve farming methinvolves pesticides, and there is ods. But Fairtrade has meant far little investment i n social or more t h a n material benefits. health amenities for workers' Arturo Jimenez Gomez said: "I families. Plus it increases thank G o d for the n e w system, dependency on this single cash because it has resolved our crop. problems. Our dream is to be free, to be looked on as human OK point taken. But there beings, as people, not objects. must be some good news? Yes, E v e n poor farmers are allowed monkey m a n Stuart has to dream." stepped out of the ape suit and wants to get stuck into issues like investment to reduce youth crime.

always go It also empoww h i c h are strug- s h o u l d gling w i t h low w i t h q u a l i t y o f l i f e " ers us conprices and compeGary Rhodes tition from plantaresponsibility for tions. the role w e play w h e n w e buy

Napoleon. to the co-op's 300 members and Thank goodness w e live i n workers. They have begun an more civilised times then! But environmental programme, not if you are a banana grower. reduced c h e m i c a l u s e , a n d What's the problem? There started recycling a l l plastic are several. Small family prowaste. Better prices have ducers i n t h e Caribbean are allowed them to invest i n housbeing squeezed out b y large i n g and tree planting. The workscale plantation companies i n ers are n o w p a i d 60% more than Central A m e r i c a the minimum funded by , d the co"Fairtrade lends a megabucks. n e w m e a n i n g t o t h e operative has u

tunity and hope for the future. It's about developing a different w a y of buying things, whether we're choosing coffee or cards, tea or T-Shirts.

So, what is Fairtrade? Fairtrade is about better prices, decent w o r k i n g conditions, local sustainability, a n d fair terms of trade for farmers a n d workers i n t h e developing world. B y requiring companies to p a y above market prices, Fairtrade addresses the injustices of conventional trade, w h i c h traditionally d i s c r i m i nates against the poorest, weakest producers. It enables

MAKE A DIFFERENCE

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CATERING

talk random

Adamant To The Fish The B i z a r r e A b s u r d i t i e s of N o r m a l c y . So, after minutes of hard work I have stolen some valuable print space for my o w n brand of cynical a n d irritating banter. I can tell you many things, many things indeed. I could tell you that January the 27th w a s not a good day, but that w e don't talk about it, I could tell you strange and imagined things about strange and imagined things and trust me, one day I w i l l . For now, however, I w i l l restrict myself to reality, or rather m y perception of reality, w h i c h is often a very different matter. After that brief a n d totally pointless

scale, as there is simply no demand for anything outside the range 7-10. I felt it necessary to correct his inadequate statement as clearly I had demand for such shoes, being as I w a s in a shoe shop, demanding them. A t this point all helpfulness disappeared from his demeanour and I felt obliged to depart. No less than ten other shops brought the same disappointment although all the fire had slipped out of me by this point and I w a s no longer capable of wittily putting d o w n salesmen, just blindly and quietly accepting their rebukes.

introduction I w i l l divert my attention to matters at hand, or rather at foot, for you see I have chosen shoes for the topic of my discussion given m y recent frustration in attempting to purchase such garments. Shoes apparently have been standardised to fit the average m a n (and presumably woman, though I made no research into this area for obvious reasons). I w a s earnestly told by the manager of a large sports shop in this fair city that size ranges have been cut on both ends of the

This tale of woe is not designed to make you pour sympathy and tears on the ink of this page but rather to highlight a disturbing trend in our lives. Everything is standardised from footwear to television programmes and frankly it scares me. The old adage "familiarity breeds contempt" springs gaily to mind. By shop number seven I w a s finding what could have been a diverting experience about as featureless and bland as a relief map of Holland and h o w m u c h more contemptuous can

you get than devoting more t h a n five hundred words complaining about it. Soon, I feel, w e w i l l all have to normalise ourselves to fit into jobs, colleges, marriages and even bus seats. Some of you may slot neatly into this mould where others like me w i l l have to do a lot more squeezing than should be necessary. Those wonderfully interesting soap operas, those deep intriguing documentaries, those original and realistic police d r a m a s a n d even those s i m p l y i n d e s c r i b a b l e make-over s h o w s w i l l all b l e n d into twenty-four hours a w e e k of unstimulating, incomprehensible grey presented by identical presenters from Newcastle. Your minds w i l l be anaesthetised by the hypnotic repetition in all w a l k s of life until you w i l l have only the vaguest recollection of w h a t real life w a s like, all those years ago w h e n there w a s colour in your existence, w h e n you didn't have to b i n d your feet or even comb your hair. Sorry, I'm getting carried away. It is all very noble of me to take a stand I think, especially since I've still got wet feet.

They're playing our song at the Union.

Thursday, May 23 8pm: FREE@The Union d b s bar o p e n from

8pm

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talk back Credit W h e r e D u e

burst into a family home and slaughtered a family of four.including a five year o l d Dear Felix, w h o h i d under her b e d but H a v i n g read Felix issue 1135 I notice on page 2 there is a n w a s sought after and killed in c o l d blood b y t h e terrorist. article about the Summer Ball These people were murdered 2002 b a n d line up. In the m i d because of their dle of the article there is a n s i m p l y J e w i s h religion. These murexcellent photo of all the party derers feted as heroes b y goers in Great Hall, a n d I w o n Islamist fanatics i n c l u d i n g dered w h o the photographer unfortunately a member of IC was, as it is not mentioned (Felix 2 M a y 2002),who has anywhere? C o u l d it b e t h e been p u b l i c i s i n g his pilgrimsame person w h o took all the age to the Headquarters of the amazing photos of the summer person responsible for citing ball, w h i c h c a n b e found at and orchestrating these despiwww.dramsoc.org? cable acts. T h e fanatics Yours, t h e d r a m s o c p h o t o g r a excuse for these atrocities is a pherinresidence land dispute but the 150 million A r a b s fighting the 5 million Israelis, from their 21 Israeli R e s p o n s e states, have lands 500 times the size of Israel. A n d w h a t do Last month a n A r a b terrorist they do i n these vast lands? went into a hotel in Israel and Millions of Iraqis sought asymassacred a group of 28 celel u m in Europe from the persebrating a festive dinner. T w o cutions of S a d d a m H u s s e i n . weeks ago another g u n m a n

British Heart Foundation Sunday

19 M a y

F U N R U N

(or) W A L K Help to make a difference in the fight against heart disease A get some fresh air too Hampstead H e a t h , s t a r t i n g btwn 9:30 and 14:00 S p o n s o r f o r m s <& more info: 020 73706319 / 07967 739394 Ed M i l l a r - C r a i g .millar @ic .uk or N i c k (Sazard - nicholas @ic.ac.uk Registered Charity No. 255971

Thousands of Al g e r i a ns fled The Islamist civil w a r w h i c h claimed 100,000 civilian livesis that the fault of Israel? The very existence of a J e w i s h state i n whatever borders is considered a stain on A r a b honour. T h e A r a b despots mobilise their people to destroy Israel to distract t h e m from their poverty and oppression while their leaders enjoy better lives benefiting from their oil w e a l t h and vast rich lands. Indeed your correspondent need only have taken a journey t h r o u g h the streets and alleyways near college to hear dozens of of such tales of A r a b o p p r e s s i o n from t h e many w h o have fled to the safety of this country. T h e British media joins in the distortion of truth and the chann e l l i n g of ha t r e d t o w a r d s Israel. J u s t consider t h e amount of attention given to the 2.7 m i l l i o n P a l e s t i n i a n Arabs , ignoring the n e w s of w h a t is going on in the many A r a b states whether in Sudan or A l g e r i a or Syria a n d L e b a n o n . Does the m e d i a decry the Syrian subjugation and occupation of Lebanon? A pet topic of the British media is t h e p l i g h t of Palestinian Arab refugees, ignoring the responsibility of Arafat and other A r a b rulers for that plight. Jenin, supposedly a refugee "camp" w a s a fortress rich i n weapons and explosives, yet they say that they d o not have e n o u g h money for food, w h i l e t h e British taxpayer still continues to finance the U N emergency refugee agency (an emergency that has lasted for 54 years w h e n 5 A r a b states first invaded Israel). A l l of Israel is a refugee camp- indeed half the populat i o n are survivors of t h e Holocaust. What is not realised is that the other half are former citizens of A r a b

states. These J e w i s h refugees lost everything in their ancest r a l h o m e l a n d s a n d their ancient c o m m u n i t i e s d a t i n g back to b i b l i c a l times were e l i m i n a t e d i n 1948. B u t the Israelis, all of t h e m refugees, concentrated on b u i l d i n g n e w lives in Israel and developing their country. T h e Palestinian A r a b s have b e e n encouraged b y their rulers and elements w i t h i n the European U n i o n to act as a t i c k i n g time bomb w h i c h threatens to be a serious hazard to w o r l d peace. Perhaps your correspondent, c o u l d have v o l u n t e e r e d h i s services as a "human shield" to stand outside any Israeli nursery school or cafe or Pool Hall to guard against such homicide bombers - somehow though I doubt it! D a v i d Shalom Chairman Imperial J e w i s h Society

College

O n b a n k h o l i d a y Monday, Imperial College Jewish Society, a l o n g w i t h around 55,000 other supporters from different faiths a n d backgrounds, attended the "Israel Solidarity Rally" at Trafalgar Square. The rally w a s held under the banner of "Yes to Peace & N o to Terror" and w a s intended as a massive s h o w of support to the Israeli people w h o are havi n g to endure relentless, indiscriminate and brutal terrorist attacks over t h e past 19 months. The message w a s si mpl e: Israel h a s a n d w i l l always strive for peace w i t h its neighbours, but is not prepared to tolerate daily attacks on its citizens. Present at t h e rally were numerous M P ' s a n d M K ' s (Members of t h e Israeli Knesset), as w e l l as leaders from the J e w i s h and Christian community. M o s t prominent h o w e v e r w a s former Israeli

back talk Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu. He explained that the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat has himself, been directly responsible for the terrorist attacks. Furthermore he has i n c i t e d s u c h h a t r e d of Israel in his people that peace n o w seems more distant t h a n ever. The w o r d 'Peace in Palestinian society has become a metaphor, for "pushing the Jews into the Mediterranean Sea." Netanyahu w a s cheered and a p p l a u d e d w h e n he proclaimed that the only w a y to peace is not V I A Arafat, but rather O V E R Arafat. He has failed the Israelis as a partner for peace but more importantly has failed his o w n people, in their legitimate desire for a state. 11

M o s t people w o u l d agree that the Palestinians have the right, like all nations, to selfdetermination. Sadly they chose to embark on a p a t h of violence and terror, in order to achieve their goals, and this is unacceptable. Negotiations cannot resume w h i l s t the Israelis have a g u n to their head and suicide bombers are exploding all over the country. In a recent visit to Israel I w a s witness to the daily routine of fear and insecurity to w h i c h the Israeli people have become accustomed. Not being able to go to a coffee shop, a supermarket, i n fact anywhere out of their homes, w i t h o u t the fear of b e i n g b l o w n to bits. No country in the w o r l d w o u l d be expected to put up w i t h s u c h a state of affairs. It is therefore Israel's right and necessity to defend itself, as any country w o u l d in its position. It angers me to read of the so called "Peace Activists," like the one w h o wrote into Felix last week, that try to prevent the Israeli army from completing its legitimate task of root-

ing out terrorists and destroyi n g their infrastructure, whilst still m a n a g i n g to maintain the highest moral standards and dignity of the innocent populous. It may interest readers to k n o w that many of these activists have recently sheltered and some media personnel have even smuggled out (knowingly or not) w a n t e d terrorists from refugee c a m p s and into Israel. A m b u l a n c e s were stopped and searched because rather than ferry the sick and injured, they were u s e d to move g u n m e n a n d explosives. Most shocking of all w a s the fact that w o m e n w o u l d sometimes hide explosives under their dresses and pretend that they are pregnant, in an attempt to get q u i c k l y across the Israeli checkpoints.

Union wouldn't represent your views. You even lied to your o w n c a m p a i g n team for God's sake! You took two weeks off training to become a doctor, as opposed to my single week. A n d then there w a s what your t e a m actually told the students w h e n they s t o p p e d them, w h i c h , quite frankly, defies belief.

The reality is that the actions of the Palestinians and their leadership at this time, are not those of a people that desire peace and an immediate end to violence. To negotiate w i t h a n d make concessions at a time w h e n young people are still b e i n g murdered on a night out in a club, w o u l d be foolish and absurd.

David Francis Chair, I C U C a m p a i g n for Reaffiliation to the NUS

G i l Rabbie.

Please N o More...

Anyway, enough of this. If you believe w h a t you hear, there is a campaign brewing; something along the lines of " B O N U S " (Bring On NUS) to w h i c h I suspect you'll respond something equally witty (ANUS perhaps? A n t i NUS?). Still, it's been emotional. Can't w a i t to hear your response, all my love and gratitude for highlighting the antiquated opinions that dogged your campaign,

Dear Felix, Has anyone else noticed the resemblance between our Felix Editor w i l l Dugdale and b a d t e m p e r e d d r u n k book shop o w n e r B e r n a r d Black. Separated at birth? John

Black

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Andy, Andy, Andy, w h e n w i l l you learn? Personal attacks never work.

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You see I, too, could be personal. I could mention your IC career, both as a medical student and as an officer. But that w o u l d be unkind. A n d I kno w h o w upset you'd get. So, let's keep the argument on the topic shall w e ? The NUS, you remember? This w a s where you lied. You lied to the clubs. You lied to the societies. You lied to the drinkers in the Bars and you are lying to yourself if you believe the National

Who's Who

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I'm going to H o l l a n d next week, w h i c h I must agree w i l l probably turn out to be a very pleasant experience, but this does mean I have t w o issues of Felix to create b y next Monday. This w o u l d n ' t be so b a d were it not for the a d d e d b o n u s of the A l t e r n a t i v e P r o s p e c t u s , w h i c h I have recently been informed is 'Top Priority'. N o w I'm s l i g h t l y miffed about this, because it w a s n ' t actually meant to be m y job, but here I a m lumbered w i t h it anyway, since some muppet (you k n o w w h o y o u are) decided he couldn't be arsed to get on a n d do it himself. Okay, so he's got a degree to do, or some e q u a l l y d u l l excuse, but I'm a l l o w e d to get grumpy occasionally, eh? So there's that, not to mention the fact that I have to

A n d w h o knows, if I insist on looking on the bright side, w h i c h seems to be m y only alternative to an aneurysm, then I could see this as a valuable learning experience that w i l l enable m e to m a n a g e stress i n a positive a n d constructive way. Or I could just go d o w n the boozer a n d get c o m p l e t e l y trollied, w h i c h w o u l d seem to be a far more attractive prospect, all things considered. A n d just i n case y o u were interested, w h i c h I k n o w you're not, b u t I still have space to fill, so here it is, I have n o w been entirely d r u g free for a week. That includes alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, a n d all illegal drugs, but not, I'm afraid I have to admit, chocolate. B y the time you read this, however, I w i l l have probably resumed m y alcoholic ways, and w i l l be in the bar trying to forget that I have done none of the things that I intended to do before I w e n t away. A s m y mother always says, A stitch i n time saves nine', but as I always say 'Get your bitch arse back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!', so that sorts that out...

Union Events Student Activities

So that's the good news, and as such it has also given me something to write about i n m y editorial, w h i c h is always a bonus.

Friday

Weekend

Dolly Mixtures

What?

B i g u p to the c h e w y sweet massif! Cheesm' it w i t ' me posse, etc. I don't know, y o u try a n d make this different every week. Drink! Union, Know The Drill

Another w e e k e n d ? It's a miracle y o u lazy sods ever do a n y work. Hahaha. Not that I do, of course, b u t t h e n I'm p a i d not to, so that OK. Sleep/Drink/Sleep

Friday

Sleep / R e v i s e

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Piggery Jokery

At The Movies

H o w foolish to overlook that w h i c h c a n c a u s e t h e most pain. Affairs of the heart are all w e l l and good, if you've got the time, b u t I have just today been introduced to a far w orse a n d more d e a d l y s t r a i n of stress. Or stress of strain, perhaps.

A n d t h e n I'm going to go a n d represent the U n i o n i n Delft, Holland, a n d hopefully (when I'm not representing) take some serious R&R, a n d I k n o w y o u k n o w w h a t that means.

Television & Radio

Literally minutes after sendi n g off m y e d i t o r i a l to t h e printers last week, I received some more fascinating n e w s , and w h i l e it is still pertinent, it is no longer c a u s i n g m e quite the trauma it w a s , so I won't bother ranting about it. However, at that point I made the fatal error of a s s u m i n g that things couldn't, p h y s i c a l ly, become any worse.

have the b u d g e t i n g a n d 'general plan' for the next handbook sorted out i n the next t w o w e e k s as w e l l (remember I'm not here next week), so a l l i n all I have a lot to do i n the next seven days.

Not really, but it's a good w o r d , eh? Surely Star Wars has come out by now. O h , yesterday? Was it any good? D i d you go? M a y b e write a review. M a y b e not.

Hearts In Atlantis Oooh, de ooh de errr. Apparently a new lodger h e l p s a miserable, bored, y o u n g boy discover his 'Special Powers'. Is it just me, or is that wrong?

Television

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Gigs & Concerts

Hey there kiddies! H o w ' s y o u all doin'? I'm h a v i n g a s m a l l nervous b r e a k d o w n in the corner over here, due to the revelation that I'm even more disorganised, and perhaps unlucky, t h a n I h a d ever dreamed possible.

F i s h fish fish fish fish fish. E a t i n g fish. H o w useful. D a m n it, I w i s h I'd n o t i c e d this last week. If you can still b u y tickets, I w o u l d . I w i l l . The Forum

Papa Roach A n g r y music for angry people. Grr. Disclaimer: Felix takes no responsibility if y o u go to this a n d get m o s h e d to death b y angry people. Mean Fiddler

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Health & Fitness

Editorial

This Week

this week

iy/y lV.i<s>., Just because it's exams, w a n d e r i n g around our there's no need to let it College, that you're .ill all go. Sit tips should be

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week this "-

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Tell M e Why...

Trivia W e d n e s d a y Wotsits ...I don't like M o n d a y s . K n o w the c a p i t a l of A s opposed to Tuesday A c t u a l l y M o n d a y s are Mongolia?, Well good for wotsits, w h i c h come i n a better for me t h a n you, you s m u g git. It's a bag. Frankly if I need to Tuesdays a n d b a s t a r d tightrope, you see. If you explain wotsits to you, Wednesdays. T h e y ' r e w i n , everyone w i l l fancy the chances of you going the worst. N o w is a...

you, but if you don't...

are pretty slim.

Wednesday

Da Vinci's,

Union,

Evening

Murphle.

Friday

Karaoke

Molly Dixtures w a r n e d y o u Just for a change. I don't about this, but there's k n o w : I s h o u l d have the possibility of some done this r o w first, but I Now

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get d i d it last, and I just they w a n t to go to bed. I'm learn to hold their drink. off for l u n c h w i t h mum. Da Vinci's, 8:30pm Union, Just So You Know over there before

A l t e r n a t i v e M u s i c Soc

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Slackers Blade II What a good name. In B u n c h of p o s t - A m e r i c a n Have I mentioned that France it w a s 'Gloup, J e Pie kids get up to some this must be one of the suis u n poisson', w h i c h hilariously post-adoles- best films ever. A p a r t a m u s e d me. It's b e e n cent humour, and some- from having Wesley

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Mulholland Drive Panic Room This is actually on today D o c u - d r a m a about the at the I C U C i n e m a . I Felix office around don't k n o w exactly h o w T u e s d a y night and

m u c h it is, but I k n o w out for ages, but frankly one probably gets Snipes in, it's about it's significantly cheaper w h o cares w i t h a name caught w i t h his genitals vampires. W h o c a n ask t h a n Leicester Square. as funky as that. i n a goat or something. for anything more? Union Concert Hall, 7pm

Wednesday. Oh, w h a t a w i t I am. J u s t because I have no hair left to tear out, y o u shouldn't laugh.

What Funky now game show, A look info the lives of where the only question •••' i-2.r '->' S ^ ; CyUM asked i« 'what', and the .»y>;>V;ii;:-.j.-;.vi;;-Ji.--'i.;.- • ;mt"t ;«;o..fc-'V4:^^..:' '(•§&••••: - "$!::'• quite six loot. But I am

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as Mrs Higgins. Spooky

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the lead guitarist, singer huge amps, so w e all c h a p (possibly D a n k o k n o w w h a t that means. go to a concert, I'm sure they're a quartet of harp b e i n g ignorant. M o r e himself) w e a r s a very You don't? Hint: it's the you k n o w w h a t it is... p l a y i n g gypsies. Or not. likely, i n retrospect. silly hat. Possibly avoid? same w i t h cars. A h yes. Shepherds Bush Empire Monarch ULU Garage Monarch Squash 'f:y'm^Xy;k0y;. :::v^'\.y,:h: keep H i g h impact, and also v;:.;.; yy}y>:y:ryyh:yi ''"'•••••.K- ':'-:••< f . i O " . ' -f'yllK . your back up. and hands m u c h more difficult than if. .ffiiu • yy$f':i ii.o.-':.-....':u^iance, a n d stuff, a n d as beer are very good for at. shoulders w i d t h . I remembered it being ones- good lor picking . • '••<)<* '' h<y Then slowly agrtin. w i t h y'- W/^y':h ^yy:^y-'03ry 'ytfy '•y>\£: :(y:V. yl. muscle building through control A g a i n , if you can just have to act cool, and m o s t a c t i v e of y o u . c u r l i n g your arms (Jii sr..y one a miss, unless yon :'/.y-;iy'' .y:i.Ay..,ry.?r. .•-••r'fei.t*. They're c e r t a m i y c o m Ti. ' : ' probably doing it wr o n g . play a lot already. • .. . • Knees

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music reviews

Fischerspooner

Hundred Reasons

The

Ideas A b o v e O u r Station

Meet T h e B e l l r a y s

Out this Monday on Columbia

Out now on Poptones

O u t now on Ministry

of Sound

recordings

"Sounds good, looks good, feels g o o d " . However much frontman Casey Spooner's statement of intent verges o n unashamed hedonism, i t ' s hard not to take h i m completely seriously w h e n he hollers his manifesto at t h e top of his lungs at the end of a typically fireworkladen, art-fashion-sex-music Fischerspooner extravaganza. For this group of electro-clash forerunners, everyone and everything is an understatement. Spooner

(pic above) a n d h i s m a i n cohort Warren Fischer must be feeling ecstatic w i t h their efforts on this album. S t o r m i n g right to t h e t o p of e v e r y " k e w l e s t " record of t h e year chart i n 2001, t h e N Y C d u o have recently astounded peers b y s i g n i n g an unprecedented U K record deal w i t h M i n i s t r y w o r t h ÂŁ2million. Deep breathing, p u m p i n g bass, vocodal submission, c l i m a x i n g synthesiser gasps, t h r o b b i n g electrobeatz a n d a lump of h u m p i n ' existentialism. N o t a n array of overheard noise i n the darkest corners M e c h E n g , but a neat, succinct description of the opening track Invisible. Other m u s i c a l highlights include the perverted yet sterilised cover of Wire's The 15th, t h e sombre l o o m i n g p i t c h b e n d affair Tone Poem, a n d of course the sleazified polysexual h e a d rush that is their signature dance anthem Emerge. Fischerspooner are t h e Chinese b u r n upon climax, they are heavy eyes rolling in glass as their m a s c a r a streaks under hot lights. They are that scary looking latex body paint. They are fervour and mystery, arrogance a n d modesty. This album is called #1 for a reason.

Chris

records

H u n d r e d Reasons, t h e n e w hope for British rock, are rough, and I'm not talki n g about their looks. This album shows a lot of promise, but at the moment their music is still very rough around the edges. The m a i n criticism I have is that too many of the songs sound the same. A s you go through the album, y o u keep thinking that you're hearing one of the singles (and as there have only been two, this should s h o w you what I mean). This is not to say that there's no variation; it's just that there are c e r t a i n riffs that always seem to repeat. The best tracks on the album are I'll Find You, Oratorio and particularly Avalanche. These show h o w H undred Reasons can rock, build songs u p and also do the quiet, gentle melodic things well. Avalanche is that little bit different to the rest, s h o w i n g off the talent that is there, and although it is quite gentle, it acts as a good " c a l m - d o w n " for the album after the "get up and rock" characteristics of most of the songs. We must hope that H undre d Reasons become more smooth and refined w i t h practice. But, all in all, Ideas Above Our Station is a promising debut, and the b a n d deserve most of the hype that is coming their way.

Tank

Bellrays

From the unreconstructed rock intro on the first track Too Many Houses In Here, The Bellrays make it l o u d a n d clear where they're coming from. There's no attempt to be clever, no pretence of representing any n e w scene. L i s t e n i n g to the Bellrays, you wonder if they've ever heard any music since The Eagles and Led Zeppelin. Except maybe Whitesnake. This is rock. A n d it's loud. The production gives everything a late seventies pre-metal flavour, in the same w a y that Give Out But Don't Give Up almost sounded like it had been recorded in the deep South in the sixties (in other words, it sounds "authentic"). This is heavy m e t a l as it b e g a n , before it became fully fledged as Iron M a i d e n or Guns 'n' Roses. Not a trace of nu-metal, hip-hop, cyber, industrial or any other genre that has been sporadically incorporated into the g i m m i c k y metal scene. So, what's the point of this? Musically, there's not one n e w idea on this album. Lyrically, the themes are as dubiously similar as ever: "If I k n e w that this w a s a dream, I could d i e tomorrow". Please, spare us. But, as w i t h all rock, the point is that it rocks. The blues, funk and early soul influences are there, w i t h the guitars, the drums, and the half-screamed, half-croaked vocals. A n d the spirit of rawk, baby. Pass the J D .

SB8BB

Robert

Those w i t h a sharp eye w i l l have noticed a slight decrease in the size of the music section recently, due to a horrible combination of maths exams and cost-cutting measures. So w h e n I finish exams, I'll do some more work, and maybe W i l l w i l l give me some more space. Yes. Dave The w i n n e r of the D a v i d H o l m e s a l b u m (Issue 1233) is J e n n y R i e g e r of B i o l o g y I.

reviews film

Editorial

Shooters

"new Spider-Man movie"

released 29th April on DVD

You're stressed. You have exams next week. But your pen and paper are long lost brothers. They've gone A W O L . You prefer it that way. So w h y not go d o w n to the local cinema a n d w a t c h a movie?

Based i n L i v e r p o o l , Shooters, d i r e c t e d b y D a n R e e d is a B r i t i s h gangster f i l m i n the v e i n of classic g r i t t y B r i t i s h f i l m s l i k e Get Carter or Scum.

That's w h a t I w a s t h i n k i n g a couple of days ago. Sitting at home thinking, this revision isn't going to get me anywhere (in the short term). So I call up the Odeon ticket-line. They list their movies. I h a n g up. U n i m p r e s s e d . I w o u l d prefer to hole-punch a loose pieces of paper t h a n to w a t c h the Scorpion King. I w o u l d rather scribble i n the m a r g i n t h a n to see H u g h Grant faffing around i n About A Boy. I w o u l d rather draw-up an ingenious and yet impossible revision timetable t h a n to see De Niro sell himself out again i n Showtime. So I w e n t to see The Count Of Monte Cristo w h i c h w a s good. Sword fights a n d stuff. But there are movies to look forward to after the exams. For instance, S p i d e r - M a n is b e i n g released nationwide on the 14th J u n e . The comic book story of Peter Parker, the geek w h o got bitten by a radioactive spider a n d gained supernatural (mainly climbing) powers, w i l l be hitting the b i g screens at last. After being t u r n e d d o w n by J a m e s Cameron a n d D a v i d Fincher, Sam Raimi, director of the legendary Evil Dead series, took the Spider-Man reins a n d has made an action movie w h i c h has been received w e l l i n the US b y critics a n d audiences. This should be fantastic film w i t h a ÂŁ100m budget spent mainly on special effects w h i c h p u s h the boundaries of movietech. So something to look forward to i n the summer w h e n you're not w a t c h i n g the World C u p or relaxing i n the sun. DafJUS Felix O n F i l m Shooters C o m p e t i t i o n This is you chance to w i n Shooters on D V D . It is one of the best British G a n g s t e r movies ever made and essential for any gangster movie fan or w a n n a b e . N o w just c a l m d o w n for a second I haven't even g i v e n y o u the question. You c a n w i n the recently released D V D by a n s w e r i n g this question. Faster finger first: Who stars as Jack Carter in the year 2000 version of Get Carter? a) A l Pacino b) G a r y Busey c) Sylvester Stallone A n s w e r s to f i l m . f e l i x @ i c . a c . u k

A n y b o d y who's ever h a d dealings w i t h club bouncers w i l l understand the m a i n characters B i g J o h n (John Wayland) and Dezzy (Dezzy Baylis), w h o decide to take time-off looking for trainers to make some quick money robbing a drug dealer's home. A s you might expect it all goes horribly w r o n g a n d they end up shooting the dealer. What's worse is the d r u g boss comes looking for the money a n d notices B i g J o h n d r i v i n g round in a n e w convertible, a purchase w h i c h slightly incriminates him. The real highlight of the film is the fact that all the m a i n characters are played by people the director met on location i n Liverpool w h i c h gives the film a real feel of b e i n g true to life a la Ken Loach. The strong link b e t w e e n drugs a n d crime is explored i n a persuasive w a y without b e i n g over the top or sensational. A lot of time is spent i n developing the characters as dreamers w h o ain't too clever but are desperate to prove to others that they aren't lost i n a dead end job. The friendship b e t w e e n the men is also explored, though you are left to decide for yourself whether it remains intact by the end. Despite b e i n g a t y p i c a l scouse hardman, B i g John's relationship w i t h his ex-wife a n d daughter gives his character a bit more sympathy, w h i c h I found a refreshing touch. A l l i n all it's a fairly good film memorable only for the unusual (and successful) casting decision a n d the characterisation. It is in a similar to the Lock, Stocks and G a n g s t e r No.Is of this world, but different enough to be w o r t h a look. You won't get any of the G u y Ritchie snappy dialogue, but instead there's a bleak and gritty u r b a n realism. I w a s lucky enough to meet the directors a n d cast at a special s h o w i n g i n a small cinema in Soho (oh, the benefits of w o r k i n g for Felix, l u w y ! ) and w a s given a free D V D w h i c h w i l l be up for grabs in one of our competitions.

Dave

Hinselwood

short story W i t h exams a n d everything that happens around this time of year there are no book reviews at the moment. What follows though is a n excellent short story b y author Robert Bell. I've been reading Rob's w o r k for a while n o w and I believe that it's in the same league as m a n y of the p u b l i s h e d authors w e see today. Hopefully i n a few years w e ' l l be seeing his name on the bookshelves.

Give A Dog A Bone by Robert Bell I hate that d a m n dog. If I were to be granted one w i s h , at this second, I'd have it s k i n n e d alive a n d set alight. But I'm sure, Dear Reader, if you h a d to see the d o g i n question - Speedy is its name - you'd love it to bits. M y wife d i d . A n y w a y , let me start at the b e g i n n i n g . O n our first anniversary, I w a i t e d for m y wife, Deborah, in the lounge of our n e w home, h o l d i n g an expensive ring in one h a n d and a bouquet of flowers i n the other, anxious to give her the present a n d t h e n receive something of similar value. Instead, she w a l k e d inside holding Speedy i n her arms. Speedy, a golden retriever, h a d a smooth coat a n d soft eyes, enough to drive animal lovers m a d . "Ahh, isn't he just adorable, Henry?" she said. I sat without s h o w i n g any emotion, h o p i n g she h a d bought this animal for the both of us to keep around the house, not as a n anniversary gift. "Happy anniversary!" she said, h a n d i n g the mutt to me. I felt like s m a s h i n g my fist through her face. I took the dog, though, and held it as you w o u l d any animal, w i t h m y hands underneath its stomach. That's w h e n it p i s s e d on me. N o w , I'm a patient m a n - especially w h e n it comes to payback - a n d I k n o w the importance of the right time a n d right place; I smiled, put it d o w n , and told Deborah that it needed housetraining before it could be a l l o w e d back into the house. I w o u l d do the training myself, I told her. Soon, Speedy w o u l d earn its name. The day I d e c i d e d to train Speedy w a s clear and w i n d l e s s , the sun m i l d and pleasant, a n d I told m y wife I w a s t a k i n g it across the road. L e t me explain: houses line our side of the road, but on the other side is the e n d of a farm, w h i c h stretches for a good half mile. In some parts the field is p a c k e d w i t h short, fat thorn trees a n d knee-length grass; but elsewhere, s u c h as the area opposite our house, the grass is shorter, the trees sparser. The vegetation increased further into the land, though, obscuring the road from view. The initial training w a s successful, and Speedy soon learned w h a t to do and w h a t not do to. It's a m a z i n g h o w m u c h difference a swift kick to the stomach makes. After the training, I took Speedy home; it followed a w h i l e b e h i n d me, a n d not alongside me as it h a d done earlier. B y the time I returned, Deborah had already left for her w e e k l y game of tennis, so I left Speedy i n the front yard and w ent to do some gardening work in the back. I stopped w o r k i n g at five i n the afternoon a n d w a l k e d around the house, admiring m y hard work as I w e n t along. That w h e n I s a w w h a t it h a d done. The little mutt h a d d u g about t e n holes i n m y garden - the same garden, I might add, w h i c h h a d t w i ce w o n 'garden of the year . Not t h i n k i n g straight, I p i c k e d u p a large spanner a n d w ent to look for the animal. W i t h the w e a p o n i n m y right hand, 1

I called and w h i s t l e d to it, h o p i n g it w o u l d come towards me w i t h its tail w a g g i n g and its head b o b b i n g u p a n d d o w n . It w a s nowhere to be found. I searched the garden and house for t w o hours, i n w h i c h time my anger d i d not dissipate: I felt it g r o w inside m e as a seed would've i n m y once-fertile garden. Then, about to give up, I w a l k e d to the field, just i n case the mongrel h a d s l i p p e d through the gate. Sure enough, I found it there. W a g g i n g its tail and b o w i n g its head i n submission, it approached me a n d licked m y feet. I looked around, and, seeing that none of the neighbours were w a t c h i n g , brought the spanner d o w n on its back as hard as I could. Speedy yelped. So I gave it another. Then one more, just for good measure. T h e d o g stayed at m y feet a n d continued licking m y toes, w h i m p e r i n g a n d w h i n i n g softly. N o w it w a s time to cover up. I loaded Speedy into the backseat of my car and drove it to the vet. Once there, I played the part of the concerned d o g owner whose d o g h a d b e e n r u n over b y a car. The vet emerged after half an hour and told me Speedy w o u l d lose the use of its h i n d legs. Not to worry, he said, for he w o u l d fit a brace to Speedy's legs, w i t h four w h e e l s on the bottom. The brace w o u l d support the dog's weight, a n d the wheels w o u l d act as n e w hind legs, he told me. Deborah w a s not pleased w h e n I returned home. She w a n t e d to k n o w w h y Speedy h a d been roaming the streets, if I h a d written d o w n the number of the person w h o h a d r u n over him, a n d if Speedy h a d yelped a lot. I a n s w e r e d all the questions i n m y practiced routine, and she stopped harassing me and sat alongside Speedy. The mutt, of course, w a s n o w inside the house and w o u l d have to stay indoors for a few days. Those days p a s s e d without any conflict. I think Speedy realized w h o the boss w a s , a n d it averted its gaze to the floor whenever I w a l k e d past. O n a few occasions, I felt like ki c ki ng its legs, just to test t h e m out and see if it h a d recovered enough to go outside; but Deborah always m a n a g e d to be i n a nearby room. A n d it w a s i n those days, the time it spent indoors, that my wife came to love Speedy. She spent more and more time w i t h it, b u y i n g hundreds of small, useless items that no d o g could ever use, b r u s h i n g its hair five times a day, a n d t a k i n g photos of it from every conceivable angle. Eventually, after endless arguments, Speedy w a s shifted outside again (she h a d bought it a kennel, of course). That's w h e n it developed its love of rain. I tell you, just the slightest drizzle w o u l d lure that d o g out of his kennel, and it w o u l d run i n circles, its front legs w o r k i n g overtime, pulling those d a m n wheels b e h i n d it. I'd just fallen asleep - something I'd not done for w e e k s - w h e n I heard it for the first time. It w a s a sharp, piercing sound that d i p p e d i n volume t h e n g r e w louder. E E K A J E E K . . . E E K A J E E K . . . E E K A J E E K I sat up i n b e d and gazed straight ahead at the w a l l, convinced that a few teenagers were fooling around outside our w i n d o w . But a quick peek through the curtain proved me wrong: Speedy's wheels h a d rusted. M o n t h s a n d months of frolicking i n the rain had taken its toll. A n d so, for the next few weeks, as I plotted m y wife's murder, Speedy awoke me every night at around midnight. L e t me stop right here: I have not mentioned the p l a n to kill m y wife, as it is something I a m not proud of. I w o u l d never have considered it

story short under normal circumstances, but because m y business w a s on the brink of bankruptcy, a n d I a m a proud man, I w a s forced to use Deborah, or rather her M e insurance, as a means to a n end, excuse the p u n .

my wife l y i n g face d o w n on the ground, surrounded b y a dusty, dark pool of her o w n blood. A n d her hair, I remember seeing pieces of...well, pieces of her scalp entangled i n her bloodsoaked hair.

I w i l l not go into the details of h o w I p l a n n e d to kill her, but I w i l l say that the t w o w e e k s preceding the murder w e r e the longest a n d hardest I have ever h a d to endure. A n d i n that time, I came to hate the dog. I h a t e d the sight of it, but more so the sound of it.

W h e n it w a s all over, I searched the area for Speedy, but it w a s nowhere to be found. After half a n hour, I gave u p a n d w a l k e d to the hole I h a d d u g the night before.

I hated the w a y it h u n g around m y wife like a n irritating fly, following her every move; w h e n Deborah left for her Saturday tennis match, Speedy stood b y the gate for hours, w a i t i n g for her to return. But the worst h a d to be the holes it d u g around m y precious garden - I counted u p to t w e n t y holes i n one day, all of t h e m i n the middle of the garden, where it w a s impossible to repair without c a u s i n g further damage. T h i n k i n g back, I w i s h I h a d hammered the dog's front legs, not the h i n d legs. That way, it wouldn't have d u g those d a m n holes. The time h a d come. A s I've said, I won't go into any details; w h a t follows is a brief description of the act. I awoke Deborah early that Sunday morning. I didn't make her a special breakfast, although I h a d thought of it, but gently touched her white, freckled shoulder at around six i n the morning. She stirred, looked at the time, a n d frowned at me. "I thought w e ' d start w i t h those w a l k s w e talked about," I said, getting out of b e d a n d s l i p p i n g on m y pants. She took longer t h a n normal to get dressed that day, but I didn't hassle her, a n d b y the time she emerged from the house, I h a d mentally rehearsed the killing a hundred times. A t this point I must a d d something: the previous night, I h a d w a l k e d to the field a n d p i c k e d out a sturdy branch, w h i c h I p l a n n e d to use as a murder weapon, a n d t h e n searched for the spot w i t h the most trees a n d bushes, a place h i d d e n from the nearby road. I h a d left the b r a n c h at that spot. A n y w a y , w e w a l k e d at a s l o w pace through the field, as Deborah made a habit of stopping at every second flower, b e n d i n g d o w n , a n d smelling it. T h e n she w o u l d straighten u p a n d continue forward w i t h her hands folded b e h i n d her back and a smile on her face. B y this time, m y heart t h u d d e d i n m y ribcage, a n d the last t h i n g I w a n t e d to hear - the w o r s t possible s o u n d w a s the awful E E K A J E E K . . . E E K A J E E K . . . E E K A J E E K of Speedy. It h a d s l i p p e d through the gate a n d followed m y wife. She s m i l e d at it, called its name, t h e n patted a n d k i s s e d a n d stroked it for a few minutes. Before long, I spotted the stick o n the ground.

I buri ed the murder w e a p o n . A s I covered the hole, I noticed that both ends of the stick w e r e bloodied; I'd g r i p p e d the stick so tightly that the s m a l l knots on the w o o d h a d d u g into my palm. I made sure m y injured right h a n d d i d not t o u c h my clothes, and w a l k e d home. I left m y wife i n the field. You see, I figured I'd play the part of the concerned h u s b a n d w h o s e wife h a d b e e n brutally beaten to d e a t h across the road from their house. N o one w o u l d ever think it w a s me. That night I w a i t e d for Speedy to come home, but b y early the next morning it h a d not returned, so I w e n t to sleep for a few hours. I w a s a w o k e n b y someone k n o c k i n g on the door. I got out of bed, r u b b e d my eyes w i t h my left knuckle (my right h a n d beat to its o w n pulse), a n d made my w a y to the door. It w a s the police. There w e r e about t e n police vehicles parked outside our house a n d across the road, and a s m a l l c r o w d of people h a d gathered nearby, some of t h e m s h a k i n g their heads a n d p o i n t i n g at me, others covering their mouths w i t h their hands. W h a t followed w a s n o t h i n g short of brilliance on m y part: the p o l i c e m a n explained w h a t I already knew, t h e n I broke d o w n and cried. H e believed me, I'm sure of that, but asked me to accompany h i m to the spot where m y wife h a d b e e n killed. They h a d already t a k e n her body away, of course, but he w a n t e d me to s h o w h i m the route that m y wife w a l k e d through the field. I agreed a n d followed h i m to the field. A s w e approached the spot, I h a d to remind myself not to be cocky, as I felt a s u d d e n surge of confidence, brought on b y my earlier play-acting. I s t o p p e d at the spot Deborah h a d b e e n the night before and pointed the police i n the opposite direction of the stick. I k n e w I h a d t h e m w r a p p e d around my finger. I k n e w this w o u l d be the last t h i n g I h a d to p u l l off before I could sit back and receive the insurance money. A n d so I brought a n end to the proceedings, informing the officer that I could no longer bear to be around the area. He n o d d e d a n d s a i d I c o u l d leave. I sighed a n d t u r n e d around, keeping m y eyes on the ground. W i t h each step I took, I mentally counted d o w n the number of feet to my house. Twenty...I w a l k e d , h e a d b o w e d , tears flowing. Fifteen...I could see the house now, a n d the voices of the policemen w e r e muffled. Ten - E E K A J E E K . . . E E K A J E E K . . . E E K A J E E K . I stopped and turned, t h i n k i n g that I h a d i m a g i n e d that awful sound. But I w a s w r o n g : it w a s Speedy alright, and as he emerged from the bushes a n d shrubs, m y heart sank. The murder w e a p o n w a s i n his mouth. Speedy h a d been d i g g i n g those d a m n holes again.

" T h i n k i n g back, I wish I had hammered the dog's front legs, not the hind legs. That way, it wouldn't have dug those damn holes."

I glanced over m y shoulder, made sure that no inquisitive passers-by were w a t c h i n g us, t h e n bent d o w n and pretended to do m y laces. Deborah stopped alongside me a n d put her h a n d on my shoulder. I think she remarked that the w a l k w a s a s p l e n d i d idea, that it should be a w e e k l y t h i n g , but I can't be sure - the sound of blood r u s h i n g through m y ears d r o w n e d out her voice. T h e n it w a s over. I don't remember m u c h besides Speedy b a r k i n g and chargi ng at me until I took a few s w i p e s at him. One image I do remember - one I'll carry to my grave - is of

coffee break

Crossword by Mummy Huffwell Across 5. C r i m i n a l l y s p y on chic clairvoyant. (7) 8. 9.

Breathe h e a v i l y after sheep is violent a n d u n c h e c k e d . (7)

M o n u m e n t is honour to fifty-one s o u t h e r n

Hot sun amicably reveals w a v e . (7)

Pointless fur is found i n cat holidaying. (7) We hear he c u r s e s cheeses. (5) C o m p u t e r component g o e s for a h u n d r e d electrical safety standards, no replacement! (9) Los Angeles' top industry found inside bowel gathering together. (9)

Bar second

escapee.

kentuckians. (7) 10. W i d e v i e w e d fear over no memory. (9) 11. D r u g agent to b e n d all y o u n g the same. (7) 12. N e a t smells. Extra niceties! (9) 16. T w o thousand and one: A p i g hut. T h i s isn't clear. (5) 17. D o d g e w o m a n w i t h d e a d point. (5) 18. S e x u a l a s s a u l t b y a w o o d e n fish? (9) 22. C l u m s y unimaginative donkey carries royal to the French. (7) 24. C u t , her man squirmed. (9) 25. M i n i s t r y of intelligence ignited one area for armed force. (7) 26. G i v i n g out a g a i n concerns is t a k i n g action. (9)

G o o d evening. Due to a n hilarious incident involving a b u n c h of keys, eighty pounds of tofu and a b a t h sponge, Dr Hot F u d g e is unable to present the latest offering from M u m m y Huffwell. In case you're w o nde r i ng, the b u n c h of keys w e r e those very implements d e s i g n e d to give the good Doctor access to the Felix computers. The involvement of the b a t h sponge s h o u l d be obvious to anyone, of course. It is, however, the tofu w h i c h may n e e d some introduction. A s vegetable products go, tofu is relatively innocuous. It has a very amiable 27. M a n w i t h little future. personality, but you must never taunt a live tofu. Doctor Fudge, unaware (7) of a dark streak deep i n the sole of even the tamest tofu, t e a s e d the poor t h i n g mercilessly w h i l s t it lay quite contentedly b a s k i n g i n the sun. Well, that w a s that for the good Doctor. H e ' s very lucky, one might say, for h a v i n g s u r v i v e d such a vicious attack. M o s t people p e r i s h at the g r a p p l i n g c l a w s of a roused tofu - very few escape from s u c h a m a u l i n g . However, Doctor Hot F u d g e w i l l be b a c k at the reigns before too long, t h o u g h I've heard he has become a vegetarian on vindictive grounds. Wailer

Ned

Down

4. 5.

B a d lout's r a i n keeps w a r m t h i n . (9)

13. Trampled seven reeds right b y water. (9) 14. L e a n over after g o n g is i n top three. (9) 15. N e w York contains a m i x t u r e of cars a n d d r u g s . It's d e f i n i t e ly needed! (9) 19. To talk excitedly sounds like a l i s p i n g person hasn't got bare feet. (7) 20. E u r o p e a n c o m m u n i t y m i r t h mixes heat. (7) 21. L e n g t h plus time equals length. (7) 23. Falsify i d e n t i f i c a t i o n . Solid. (5)

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Outdoor Athletics Imperial athletes h e l p e d the University of London Athletics Club in a successful b a n k h o l i d a y w e e k e n d at the Bedford International Athletics Stadium. Despite only 4 Imperial athletes b e i n g able to c o m p e t e d u e to exams ( s u c h as S c o t t i s h Indoor P e n t a t h l o n C h a m p i o n James Lowery), they certainly m a d e their presence felt i n the t e a m . K a t h e r i n e W i l l i a m s put i n a g u t s y r u n i n t h e heats of the 4 0 0 m to qualify for the semi-finals. C a p t a i n S i m o n L e w i s a n d Derek M a k , with GB International Decathlete John Heanley (Holloway) and last years BUSA HOmH Champion R i c h a r d Sear (KCL) m a n a g e d to h e l p t h e 4 x 100m R e l a y Team q u a l i f y for the final. With John, being replaced by G u i d o G u i z z a r d i i n t h e final, w h o h a s a 10.5s p e r s o n a l best, there w e r e h i g h h o p e s of t h e m c u t t i n g at least a s e c o n d off there q u a l i f y i n g t i m e of 45.1s. H o w e v e r , i n the final, a n unfortunate m i x u p b e t w e e n G u i d o a n d Derek m e a n t t h e b a t o n w a s not changed in time and the team w a s disqualified. A s u p e r b s p r i n t d o u b l e from E m i l y Freeman (UCL) w a s the h i g h l i g h t of the w e e k e n d . H e r w i n s i n t h e 100m a n d 200m m a i n t a i n U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n ' s record of h a v i n g a B U S A c h a m p i o n i n the l a s t 4 c o m p e t i t i o n s (2 indoor a n d 2 outdoors). From t h e w o r d go E m i l y w a s i m p r e s s i v e , w i n n i n g her heat a n d semi-finals i n i m p r e s s i v e t i m e w h i l s t e a s i n g d o w n at t h e finish. H a v i n g b e e n beate n i n t h e 60m at the indoor c h a m p i o n s h i p s earlier on i n t h e s e a s o n b y a 100th of a s e c o n d , E m i l y w a s i n t e n t on beating Kelly Thomas of Loughborough. Whilst Emily

was easing through her heats, K e l l y h a d to w o r k h a r d to r u n s i m i l a r t i m e s . In t h e final, both w o m e n were d r a w n i n the 2 m i d d l e lanes, a n d d e s p i t e b e i n g v e r y nervous before the start, E m i l y m a n a g e to romp home i n 1st p l a c e i n a t i m e of 11.79s, l e a v i n g K e l l y 2 n d i n 11.96s. The w i n i n t h e 100m s e e m e d to set her u p for her better event, the 200m. W i t h r u n s of 24.01s a n d 24.03s i n t h e heats, it s e e m e d Susan William's hand timed Championship Record of 23.8s w a s u n d e r threat. T h e most notable fact of a l l w a s the w a y she s t o r m e d a w a y i n her semi-final to w i n over a s e c o n d a h e a d of a r c h r i v a l K e l l y T h o m a s . D r a w n i n lane 4 i n t h e final, E m i l y w o n b y over s e v e n t e n t h s of a s e c o n d i n 24.14s. O n l y h e a d w i n of 1.3m/s p r e v e n t e d her from t a k i n g the record. Other n o t i c e a b l e performances of the w e e k e n d w e r e from Gordon Irvine (SGHMS), Andrew Hennessy (UCL), Richard Sear and John Heanley. G o r d o n Irvine h a d a s o l i d r u n i n t h e 10K final to finish 12th. Former Sportsman of the Year, A n d r e w H e n n e s s y t r i e d desperately to w i n the title i n the 3000m s t e e p l e c h a s e that h a s e l u d e d h i m . If m e d a l s w e r e a w a r d e d for guts a n d bravery, t h i s m a n w o u l d h a v e them all. After strolling t h r o u g h q u a l i f i c a t i o n i n 4th place, i n a t i m e of 9mins 34.9 sees (a m i n u t e s l o w e r t h a n his personal best), A n d y l o o k e d set to d o m i n a t e the final. H o w e v e r , due to s t u d y i n g for h i s finals of his m e d i c a l d e g r e e he h a s h a d to cut d o w n t r a i n i n g from 7 to 3 t i m e s a w e e k s . T h i s lack of fitness s h o w e d i n the final. W i t h 4 l a p s to go, A n d y took

the race b y the horns a n d took the lead. B y the final l a p he h a d o p e n e d u p a 10m l e a d , but w i t h 250m to go he was struggling and 2 L o u g h b o r o u g h athletes overtook a n d f i n i s h ed i n front of h i m . A n d y looked shattered at the e n d of the race a n d p r o m p t l y t h r e w u p . If t h e race w a s last year he w o u l d h a v e e a s i l y w o n it, but its s e e m s it came a year too late. In the 110m H u r d l e s , defendi n g c h a m p i o n R i c h a r d Sear w a s unfortunate not to w i n it a g a i n t h i s year. A f t e r t w i s t i n g h i s ankle w h i l s t d i p p i n g for t h e line i n the 1st r o u n d of the 100m, there w a s a fear that he c o u l d be out for the hurdl es . H o w e v e r , w i t h a bit of p h y s i o , s t r a p p i n g a n d ibuprofen, R i c h a r d w a s able to qualify a n d l i n e u p for the

final. Unluckily, Richard s t a r t e d t e r r i b l y i n the final and only finished 4th i n a t i m e of 14.9s b e h i n d 3 other r u n n e r s w h o a l l r a n 14.5s. G B International decathlete a n d former B U S A indoor l o n g jump champion John H e a n l e y q u a l i f i e d for b o t h the H i g h J u m p and L o n g J u m p final, b u t due to e x a m c o m m i t m e n t s , w a s u n a b l e to c o m p e t e i n t h o s e finals losing valuable team points. Overall, w i t h key athletes missing, University of L o n d o n p e r f o r m e d w e l l at t h e c h a m p i o n s h i p s consideri n g w e d o not h a v e t h e r e s o u r c e s a s t h e l i k e s of Loughborough, Bath, Brunei a n d U W I C . Hopefully w e c a n c o n t i n u e our c h a m p i o n s h i p s u c c e s s f u l i n the future. Derek Mak

Sub-Warden Positions A t Beit Hall A number of sub-warden positions w i l l be available from the start of September 2002 i n Beit Hall. We are seeking energetic and dedicated members of College to fill these positions. The responsibilities include pastoral care of students and organising the social life of the Halls. No payment is available for these duties, but rent free accommodation is provided w i t h i n the Hall. The posts w o u l d best match P G students but other categories are eligible. To apply please send a hardcopy of your C V and letter of application, plus supporting references from two referees. The C V should highlight relevant past experience and the letter of application should explain succinctly w h y you are suitable for the post. E-mailed applications are not acceptable, but emailed references w i l l be accepted. A l l applications must be received by 17:00 on Friday 7th June 2002. These should be sent to me, Dr J o n Marangos, The Warden, Beit Hall.

club active

London University Judo I.C.: Christopher Chang, M a r k C o x (silver) D a n i e l Forsdyke, Daniel Harvey, J u l i e M o r g a n , Scott Prosser, J a m e s W a l k e r (silver), Other C o l l e g e s : S a d i a N d a k o (bronze), N e i l M o o d i , For m a n y years, m e m b e r s of the I m p e r i a l J u d o C l u b have been fighting along side stud e n t s from o t h e r L o n d o n Colleges i n what constitutes t h e U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n U n i o n j u d o t e a m . A n d for m a n y years w e h a v e b e e n p r i v i l e g e d t o reap t h e t i t l e s a n d a w a r d s t h a t h a v e come from t h i s fruitful p a r t n e r s h i p . T w o years ago at t h e B U S A championships s a w London taking the gold in the team title a n d last year w e s e c u r e d the bronze. T h i s year w a s no e x c e p t i o n as it p r o v e d l u c r a tive i n t h e i n d i v i d u a l t i t l e s . But first I m u s t here g i v e mention a n d thanks to Mr. Joe Dougherty a widely respected world champion w h o selflessly devotes his t i m e to t r a i n i n g a n d to S a d i a Ndako w h o captained the t e a m a n d o r g a n i s e d t h e trip. T h e c o m p e t i t i o n took p l a c e at t h e N a t i o n a l A r e n a i n B i r m i n g h a m over t w o d a y s on t h e w e e k e n d before t h e Easter Holiday. O n the Saturday the Individual championships were run and it w a s here that t h e m e d a l s w e r e a t t a i n e d . There w a s a s p r e a d of w e i g h t s across t h e categories as t e a m m e m b e r s starved themselves, sauteed i n t h e s a u n a a n d e v e n stood on their h e a d s to m a k e t h e w e i g h t . (More o n t h i s later). In t h e U n d e r 8 1 k g M e n ' s , Mark Cox, a renaissance m a n of sorts, took t h e silver. M o r e at home o n t h e R u g b y p i t c h , i n t w o years C o x m o v e d from novice to a l e v e l w h e r e he took t h e s e c o n d highest

a c c o l a d e i n h i s field. I n t h e O P E N ( + 100 k g ) category, J a m e s Walker, r e c e n t l y h o n o u r e d w i t h c o l o u r s for h i s p e r f o r m a n c e o n l a s t year's team, took silver as w e l l . S a d i a N d a k o w h o i s a mere t e n p o i n t s from h e r b l a c k belt w a s awarded bronze i n the women's category. Daniel H a r v e y t a k e s t h e m e d a l for m o s t s t a m i n a w h i l e Scott Prosser t h e IC c a p t a i n w i t h full colours fought a d m i r a b l y taking some w i n s during the day. I n a n u p s e t , Julie Morgan w a s denied a chance at m e d a l l i n g , as s h e w a s t h e only one i n her l i g h t w e i g h t d i v i s i o n . U n i n t e n t i o n a l l y or otherwise, she drew blood from t h e h i g h e r g r a d e d opponent s h e e v e n t u a l l y fought. Literally. In t h e t e a m event o n t h e second day w e advanced s e v e r a l r o u n d s before b e i n g defeated just outside the m e d a l rounds. Of note w a s Christopher Chang's i n d o m i t a b l e style of f i g h t i n g w h e r e b y he lures h i s opponent w i t h o u t s t r e t c h e d arms r e m i n i s c e n t of B o r i s Karloffs F r a n k e n s t e i n ! It w a s b o t h highly entertaining and effective as v i c t o r y w a s s w i f t and decisive! But the biggest l a u g h of t h e w e e k e n d c a m e from M a r k C o x , w h o , 1 k g overweight a n d holding up the proceedings, took the a d v i c e that he s h o u l d s t a n d on his head to shed t he e x c e s s . So, w e a r i n g only a smile, h e a s s u m e d t h e p o s i t i o n for 1 m i n u t e before j u m p ing immediately on to the s c a l e s . It w o r k e d . I b e l i e v e t h a t i s one for t h e p h y s i c i s t s to solve. B u t b y far t h e g r e a t e s t spectacle occurred when British Olympian medallist Kate H o w e y took to t h e m a t . A rewarding experience

w h i c h her h a p l e s s o p p o n e n t s or w e s h a l l never forget. In d r a w i n g t o a close there are just a f e w p o i n t s I w o u l d like to p u l l o n i n order to e n c a p s u l a t e one of t h i s w r i t ers o w n o p i n i o n s . In recent t i m e s there have b e e n m o v e s b y the a d m i n i s t r a t i o n t o "reb r a n d " or " r e m a r k e t " t h e i m a g e of T h e C o l l e g e followi n g d r o p p i n g a p p l i c a t i o n levels a n d t h e like. B u t I propose t h a t t h e i m a g e n e e d s first to b e defined a n d m a r k e t e d to t h o s e here now. That t h e c o l l e g e i s a n d i s s e e n to b e a t o p c l a s s i n s t i t u t i o n is w i t h o u t doubt. J u s t c a s t a g l a n c e at the departmental academic r a t i n g s . B u t t h i s b o d y is only skeletal. Time and time again i n p o p u l a r i t y r a t i n g s (as i n the results released last

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w e e k ) or s o c i a l r a t i n g s w e fall c o n t i n u a l l y short. A n d it is this that makes us unattractive. What the College n e e d s is to b e filled out w i t h t h e meat of a culture. A fat b o d y of t r a d i t i o n fed b y t h e a c h i e v e m e n t of c l u b s a n d societies a n d the experiences a n d ceremonies t h e i r m e m b e r s h o l d dear. H o w m a n y k n o w of t h e C o l o u r s a w a r d s for i n s t a n c e ? M o r e advertising. Imagine the c r o w d s that w o u l d go to see t h e movie K a t e H o w e y v s . F r a n k e n s t e i n . A n d d o not forget, w h e r e it took N e w t o n years over at C a m b r i d g e t o formulate h i s P r i n c i p a e , our o w n Cox'y b o y broke 'em i n one m i n u t e . S u c h is t h e stuff of l e g e n d .

Presents R I J k

James

Walker

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" v eon s pthe o r t

Sunday 19th May, 4pm (Beit quad only) Womens world cup qualifier England v Germany

Monday 20th May, 8.30pm Euro under-21 championships England v Italy Tuesday 21st May, 11.30am (Beit quad only) South Korea v England

Wednesday 22nd May 8.30pm Euro under-21 championships England v Portugal