http://www.felixonline.co.uk/archive/IC_1982/1982_0631_A by Ravi Pall

The Newspaper of Imperial College Union

CAPTAIN LINDLEY:

No. 6311

I Tuesday, December 14, 19821

Dancing Success

U G M Tells Goulder â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Go Jump in the Lake! Last Tuesday's U G M lasted long enough to instruct Union President Stephen Goulder to jump into the Round Pond as a demonstration of his devotion to ICU. The long-awaited motions on the National Union of Students and the consistency of toilet paper were not heard before quorum was called, and will probably be resubmitted next year. The President's report was accepted after much discussion; it included a recommendation to accept proposals that the Bar Sub-committee only should see detailed bar accounts and a report on the Students Services' controversial 'Accommodation Ladder' which introduces a rigid pecking order for the allocation of postgraduate places in H a l l â&#x20AC;&#x201D; What, me pompous? - Stephen cries of 'Sexist' from the back of Goulder shows his indignation the Hall were not taken seriously. at Paul Simion's motion. T h e report on the Southside Move was accepted after College Secretary John Smith had answered questions f r o m the floor (see page 3). Several procedural motions later, standing orders (the rules governing the conduct of U G M s ) were s u s p e n d e d so that an emergency motion on Stephen Goulder could be heard without the Chairman's permission. Paul Simion accused M r Goulder of pomposity and lack of loyalty to the Union, and moved that the President should be instructed to leap into the Round Pond when it next froze over, and should have his wrists slapped by Nick Pyne, the U G M Chairman. M r Goulder volubly opposed the motion on the grounds that he was not pompous, but agreed to abide by the Union's instructions if M r Simion would jump in with him. M r Simion agreed and the motion was passed by an overwhelming majority. Several bye-law changes were then discussed. Chairman Nick Pyne had been mandated by Council to put forward a motion

to abolish the Permanent Worki n g P a r t y of w h i c h he is a member, on the grounds that it is inefficient and little-used. The motion was passed unopposed, and if it is passed at a second U G M it will be put before the Governing Body. M r Pyne then proposed a byelaw change to remove departmental representatives from Council, as their poor attendance record had made several recent Council meetings inquorate, and their job did not make it necessary for them to attend Council. Peter Burt, the Life Sciences' Dep Rep, opposed the motion on the grounds that D e p Reps are the only ' n o n - h a c k s ' on Council, that their attendance record was little worse than that of other Council members and that it would be easier to lower the C o u n c i l q u o r u m than to r e m o v e the D e p R e p s . T h e motion was defeated. A t this point the quroum was challenged, and as the meeting had been inquorate for over an hour, it was closed.

A combined dancing team from Imperial and University Colleges, L o n d o n defeated a strong Cambridge team on Monday N o v e m b e r 29. I C h a d t w o c o u p l e s in each o f the f o u r classes: waltz, quickstep, chacha and jive, and six of the couples went through to the finals. The f i n a l result was L o n d o n 44 points, Cambridge 16.

Rebecca May (with the legs) and John Barret dancing for IC

Professor Fleming Professor M G Fleming, Emeritus Professor of Mineral Technology died on D e c e m b e r 6 1982. He joined the College as a Lecturer in 1946, was promoted to Senior Lecturer in 1951, was appointed Reader in 1958, and h e l d the C h a i r o f M i n e r a l

Lindley Sets Sail Captain J W G Lindley was last night presented with a cheque and a copy of Rupert Hall's book Science for Industry inscribed by the Rector at a special party to commemorate his retirement after seven years' service at IC. He was also presented with a present from the FELIX staff: a bottle of Lamb's Navy Rum, to thank him for the good humour with which he has received much jocular criticism over the past two years. The Captain, who took on the job of Domestic Secretary in 1975, h a d p r e v i o u s l y b e e n Commander of the Fleet A c c ommodation Centre of Rosyth Naval Base, and a Naval Aidede-Camp to Her Majesty the Queen.

The offical wrist-slapping

Page 2 HHHHHHHHHIi

Technology from 1961 until his retirement in 1980. He was Head of the Department of Mineral Resources Engineering (formerly Mining and Mineral Technology) 1967-74 a n d 1979-80; D e a n , Royal School of Mines 1968-71; Pro R e c t o r 1974-78 and P r o Rector (External Development) 1977-79. Professor Fleming was a p p o i n t e d a Senior Research Fellow in 1980 and elected to F e l l o w s h i p of the C o l l e g e in 1981.

Presentations were also made to f o u r other l o n g s t a n d i n g members of College staff who are due to retire: Arthur Loveday, the groundsman at Harlington, Alfred Stevenson, formerly Senior Tutor, Ernie Whitehead, the Chief Engineer, and Lina Pelham, Head of Salaries.

I December 14, 19821

Fiona Grabbed Miss Fiona Owen, the RCS Vice President, was kidnapped from her room in Linstead Flail at 8am yesterday morning by students from Queen Mary College. Q M C Students'Union had p l a n n e d to keep M i s s O w e n hostage until R C S returned their stolen mascot, the yellow and black l e o p a r d M a r y . U n f o r t unately for their plans M i s s Owen had to attend an important interview yesterday afternoon, so at lunchtime she was traded for another R C S official. A t the time of going to press it was unclear who this would be, although A n d y Layton, Miss Owen's boyfriend, had volunteered.

I FELIX

Chelsea Sit-in

College Slams Student Suspicion on Southside Move Imperial College will not survive after the recession unless sports facilities and student accommodation are dramatically extended, according to College Secretary John Smith. Mr Smith, the most senior administrator at IC, was addressing last Tuesday's Union General Meeting on the subject of the projected Southside move. N o w that plans to b u i l d a post-experience centre have been s h e l v e d , he s a i d , the o n l y pressure o n space i n the B e i t b u i l d i n g (where the U n i o n is at present) comes f r o m the L i f e Science d e p a r t m e n t s , w h i c h are the least w e l l - h o u s e d i n C o l l e g e . H o w e v e r , there are no i m m e d i a t e plans to move existing U n i o n facilities f r o m B e i t , but o n l y to e x t e n d t h e m b y u s i n g the vast e m p y area u n d e r the S o u t h s i d e H a l l s o f Residence. I n r e t u r n , C o l l e g e m i g h t ask f o r some o f the r o o m s i n Beit f o r the B i o l o g y d e p a r t m e n t i n a few years' time.

M r S m i t h hopes that i n the l o n g term L i f e Sciences w i l l have a new b u i l d i n g o n the site o f the o l d R C S b l o c k , w h i c h w i l l be d e m o l i s h e d once the new c h e m i s try d e p a r t m e n t is f i n i s h e d â&#x20AC;&#x201D; t h i s is u n l i k e l y t o h a p p e n b e f o r e 1988. H e then sees a l l o f the B e i t b u i l d i n g a n d P r i n c e s G a r d e n s as b e i n g g i v e n over e n t i r e l y to student a c c o m m o d a t i o n , U n i o n a n d r e c r e a t i o n . T h e best s t u d e n t s , he c l a i m e d , a r e d i s c o u r a g e d f r o m c o m i n g to L o n d o n by p r o b l e m s o f a c c o m m o d a t i o n a n d p o o r sports facilities. M r S m i t h expressed his d i s a p p o i n t m e n t at the U n i o n ' s i n i t i a l s u s p i c i o n â&#x20AC;&#x201D; h e h a s , he s a i d , no motives other t h a n to f i l l the expensive, heated spaces o n the l o w e r levels o f S o u t h s i d e . H e t o l d the U G M that no a c t i o n w i l l be t a k e n w i t h o u t f a i r n e g o t i a t i o n , but that neither he n o r the students c o u l d c o m m i t their successors to a p a r t i c u l a r course o f a c t i o n .

Students at Chelsea College are staging a sit-in this week as a protest against the proposed merger of their college with Kings and Q E C . At a Union General Meeting on Thursday, a motion was unanimously passed that the registry, the Principal's office ami the Administration Block should be occupied from Monday until Wednesday afternoon. The protesters will then move to the Senate House in Malet Street, where the Senate of the University of London will be meeting to discuss the merger.

College Secretary John Smith addressing students about the Southside move at last Tuesday's UGM. W h e n M r Smith had finished a n s w e r i n g questions f r o m the f l o o r , a r e s o l u t i o n to delegate negotiations f o r 'the i n s t a l l a t i o n o f increased sports a n d recreat i o n a l facilities a n d s h o p space i n Southside i n consultation with the m a j o r s u b - c o m m i t t e e c h a i r men,' was passed u n o p p o s e d .

Instructions Hang your barometer on the mast, the outside wall of your cabin, or anywhere it is exposed to the elements. Inspect it every morning, and determine the weather using the following table: Barometer Dry - Fine Weather Barometer Wet - Rain Barometer Stiff - Frost Barometer Waving About - Wind Cannot See Barometer - Fog With care and proper treatment there is no reason why your Captain Lindley Seafarer's Barometer should not last you a lifetime! FELIX

D e c e m b e r

14,

1 9 8 2

T h e C h e l s e a s t u d e n t s are c o n c e r n e d that b o t h their own college c o u n c i l a n d the Senate w i l l a p p r o v e t h e m e r g e r in p r i n c i p l e w h i l e draft proposals are still vague. I f this h a p p e n s , it is a l m o s t i n e v i t a b l e t h a t the merger w i l l go a h e a d , w i t h the student b o d y h a v i n g v i r t u a l l y no say i n the a r r a n g m e n t s . S t u d e n t r e p r e s e n t a t i o n on b o t h the Senate a n d C h e l s e a C o l l e g e C o u n c i l is m i n i m a l , and o c c u p a t i o n is seen as the only w a y o f a t t r a c t i n g the p u b l i c i t y and s u p p o r t of the l a r g e r colleges.

Dramsoc Drivel

Prof Privilege Dear Editor I have r e a d y o u r note o n the lecture by E m e r i t u s P r o f e s s o r L o r d K a l d o r w h i c h w i l l take p l a c e at 1 3 3 0 h o n T h u r s d a y D e c e m b e r 9, o n the subject o f B r i t a i n a n d the E E C . I was interested in y o u r v i e w that the speakers i n this series were u n i m p o r t a n t . I was u n d e r the i m p r e s s i o n that P r o f e s s o r L o r d K a l d o r was one o f the m o s t f a m o u s e c o n o m i s t s i n the w o r l d , a n d that his views o n the E E C c o m m a n d an international a u d i e n c e . I n d e e d , I t h o u g h t that I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e was p r i v i l e g e d to have h i m as s p e a k e r o n this subject. I b o w to y o u r s u p e r i o r knowledge however. I wish I had the c o n f i d e n c e t o be E d i t o r o f FELIX! »J Yours sincerely p - Professor Z A Silberston

Thieving Bastards Dear Martin Just a quick m o a n in keeping w i t h the a p p r o a c h i n g season o f peace o n e a r t h a n d g o o d w i l l towards all people. L a s t week I C C N D G r o u p d i s p l a y e d a n e x h i b i t i o n i n the Sherfield F o y e r , which outlined s o m e o f the fallacies o f C i v i l Defence. The posters were s c r i b b l e d o n w i t h a l l sorts o f graffitti, including C O M M I E B A S T A R D S scrawled above a p i c t u r e o f babies b o r n d e f o r m e d a n d d e a d after H i r o s h i m a a n d N a g a s a k i . ( I ' m not a b s o l u t e l y c e r t a i n , b u t I d o n ' t t h i n k the c o m m u n i s t s were i n v o l v e d i n the w a r b e t w e e n J a p a n a n d America.) T h a t is not the real c o m p l a i n t (it is not u n e x p e c t e d at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e ) a l t h o u g h t h e set o f p o s t e r s c o s t us £ 1 5 . M o r e t e r r i b l e still is that the posters Where n o w . have disappeared! can they be? W h a t is to be done? Robert Kelsey Civ Eng 3

age 41

Dear Sir F o r s o m e years it has been D r a m s o c p o l i c y to d i s t r i b u t e , to each o f the C o l l e g e m e d i a , a p a i r o f c o m p l e m e n t a r y t i c k e t s to eachof our plays. S T O I C and I C R a d i o are i n v a r i a b l y h e l p f u l , I C O N usually printed a review. L a s t year F E L I X d i d not review any o f o u r s h o w s . S o far this t e r m we have d o n e t w o p l a y s . T h e first, Covent Garden Tragedy, recevied a review ( h o o r a y ! ) , w h i c h was a p p r o x i m a t e l y six lines l o n g a n d c o n t a i n e d several factual inaccuracies which c o u l d have been a v o i d e d i f the reviewer h a d r e a d the p r o g r a m m e . T h e reviewer t u r n e d u p to Butley, the s e c o n d p r o d u c t i o n , b u t a l l that was p r i n t e d in F E L I X was a solitary photograph.

F E L I X , this y e a r , has a l w a y s c o n t a i n e d at least a side o f W e s t E n d a n d f i l m r e v i e w s . W h y not ours? Perhaps you should institute a system o f r e p o r t i n g o n f o o t b a l l league a n d county rugby matches, or d r o p p i n g U G M r e p o r t s i n f a v o u r o f news reports on p a r l i a m e n t a r y de-' bates.

Hellenic Rights Dear Sir T h e H e l l e n i c S o c i e t y is o r ganising a film and talk on T h u r s d a y D e c e m b e r 9, j o i n t l y w i t h the I C C y p r i o t S o c i e t y a n d F r i e n d s o f P a l e s t i n e . T h i s fact was s u b m i t t e d o n t i m e , b o t h to the F E L I X O f f i c e f o r i n s e r t i o n i n the W h a t ' s O n c o l u m n , a n d to J o n S t a n l e y , the H u m a n Rights Week coordinator. T w o q u e s t i o n s arise:

'Eric' Jarvis Colin Cooper M a r k e Priestley Chris Overs We would send a theatre critic to your production if you would resume your practice of sending us review tickets; do you think FELIX staff are going to pay to see your offerings? Still, season of goodwill and all that, so we've done a favourable review of Rosencrantz for only half our normal fee. Merry ChristmasEd.

a) W h y , i n the W h a t ' s O n c o l u m n , was the event p u b l i c i s e d as b e i n g o n l y due to F r i e n d s o f Palestine? b) W h y was the event o m i t t e d entirely from J o n Stanley's a r t i c l e i n the same F E L I X ? A n s w e r s to these t w o q u e s t i o n s w o u l d be most w e l c o m e . Yours sincerely M Komondouros Secretary, Hellenic Society

Bankrupt Brewers

Tibetan Trophy Dear Martin I h e r e by a n n o u n c e this t e r m ' s results o f the ' A v o i d the N e w s E d i t o r ' c o m p e t i t i o n ; these people w h o have most successf u l l y refused t o s u p p l y F E L I X with i n f o r m a t i o n , and then written disappointed, shocked, or just p l a i n i n s u l t i n g letters p o i n t i n g out 'factual inacc u r a c i e s ' (lies) i n the news, always finishing in a variant of T hope that i n future...you will c h e c k y o u r facts m o r e c a r e f u l l y ' . T h i r d p r i z e goes j o i n t l y to the Refectories C o m m i t t e e C h a i r m a n , the o n l y p e r s o n this year t o h a v e r e f u s e d p o i n t b l a n k to speak to F E L I X , a n d to the photogenic people of Nightline (they k n o w w h y ) . S e c o n d p r i z e to the R C S , w h o i n p e r s u a d i n g me n o t to w r i t e a p a r t i c u l a r story t o l d me m o r e a b o u t it t h a n I already k n o w . B u t the N e w s E d i t o r ' s S t r i n g and Plaster of Paris C u p , Wooden Spoon and Crossed T o i l e t R o l l s goes to the R S M U , w h o m I thought had gone u n d e r g r o u n d u n t i l I received a letter a c c u s i n g me ( c o r r e c t l y) of not b e i n g able to f i n d sofflgone to c o n f i r m a recent news s t p r y . T h e y can collect their prize f r o m P O B o x 27, E x h i b i t i o n R d , T i b e t , next T u e s d a y . A happy Christmas to all the efficient publicity officers I know. Yours adverbially

Dear Editor (I have been i n s t r u c t e d b y the c o m m i t t e e o f the I C B S to f o r w a r d this letter to you.) I was s u r p r i s e d , n o d i s g u s t e d , that the last f i n a n c i a l year d i d n o t y i e l d a s u b s t a n t i a l increase i n f u n d s to o u r society. A s t h i s i n d e e d is a w e l l e s t a b l i s h e d society that caters f o r the f u r t h e r a n c e o f a c a d e m i c q u a l i f i c a t i o n s , we j u s t l y expected a substantial grant for expanding facilities.

b) Dunno; ask Jon Stanley -Ed

Flat Refusal Dear

Martin,

I w o u l d l i k e t h r o u g h the pages o f y o u r esteemed j o u r n a l to e n q u i r e as t o w h e t h e r o t h e r students i n this college f i n d that their f l a t - m a t e s are n o t o n l y i n c a p a b l e o f w a s h i n g - u p effectively (ie c l e a n i n g the p o t s ) , b u t a l s o o n l y a t t e m p t to d o so at intervals of a r o u n d 6 months? O r are we a l o n e i n this p r o b l e m ?

O u r letter r e q u e s t i n g f i n a n c i a l aid was s u b m i t t e d on the 3 1 / 3 / 8 2 after w h i c h we d i d n o t even receive a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t . O b v i o u s l y this is yet a n o t h e r example of I C U n i o n inefficiency. W e wonder if y o u c o u l d q u e s t i o n M r G o u l d e r o n this matter. Yours in anticipation Phil Green P r e s i d e n t o f the I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e B r e w i n g Society

Yours sincerely Well-Washer

3SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SUMMER

JOBS

During the summer vacation, Evelyn Gardens, Hamlet Gardens and the Fremantle Hotel will be turned over to outside lettings under student management. The schemes generate a number of summer jobs from high powered entrepreneurial managers through to cleaning staff. Reasonable wages and bonuses are paid and accommodation is provided. This year, most of the pre-booking will be done through Student Services. Overseas students—especially from Europe—are being sought to translate advertising material into their own languages and advise on advertising locations. The Fremantle offers exciting prospects as it is envisaged that a student run bed and breakfast scheme will be in operation. If you recruiting

A d r i a n James F E L I X News Editor

a) The event was originally organised by Friends of Palestine, but changed to a joint or misatin with Hellenic Society when the Union prevented FoP booking rooms as a Union Society.

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I December 14, 1982

FELIX

Next Term It's Christinas Twenty four pages of F E L I X plus an insert in three colours must be something o f a record among recent F E L I C E S , even f o r the special C h r i s t m a s number, so I hope you're as pleased with it as I am. Apologies to first years who won't be as familiar as the rest of you with the great F E L I X tradition of L i n d l e y baiting, but I felt the Captain had taken enough of a thrashing from my predecessors, so I have let him off lightly until this issue. I don't know how many jokes F E L I X has made at Captain Lindley's expense over the years; I don't stand and count them, and it's not my job to stand and count them either. But there were quite a lot, I can tell you. The other thing which may strike you as a bit odd is the rather obvious s p a c e - f i l l i n g advertisements at the centre of the newspaper, they are there because at the last minute we decided it would be a pity to print on the back of the Lindleydoll insert, since in places the printing would show through, and also because we didn't want you to have to spoil F E L I X by cutting it up. Late on Sunday night, then, I decided to include another page in F E L I X , and we thus needed two more pages of copy—quickly!

Odds and Sods O n e o f the functions o f the Editorial is that it's available as a kind of dustbin for all the things I promised to try to find room for in F E L I X , but didn't. Here, then, is my Stop Press for the Christmas issue: R C S are holding a Regalia Sale in the J C R on Thursday for one day only. It will last from lOOOh to 1600h, and they will be s e l l i n g o l d s t o c k at g r e a t l y reduced prices, and new stock at special introductory rates. O n the same evening, 'The Xmas Party' is being held in the Union Concert Hall from 2000h to 0200h. Tickets are £1.50 from Ged O'Shea, who promises that the party will include 'dubious live p e r f o r m a n c e ' w h a t e v e r that's supposed to mean. Peter Mee, the College Registrar, has sent me details of the Engineering Council's Y o u n g Engineer Competition. This is open to any individual or small g r o u p who s h o u l d submit a project based on any branch of engineering which is aimed at improving industrial production or an existing process, or show evidence of improvements in the quality of life. Competitors must

be under twenty years of age. Fuller details and entry forms are available from The Engineering Council Canberra House 10-16 Maltravers Street London W C 2 R 3ER In s i m i l a r v e i n , S c h o l l are organising a competition to find their Student A t h l e t e o f the Year. The prize for this is £2500 and details are available from Scholl Sports A i d Student Athlete of the Year A w a r d , P O Box 73, Mitcham, Surrey C R 4 2XU. Please i n c l u d e a large addressed envelope with a 26p stamp. Summer (?) Accommodation Centre are looking for cleaners for December 20-22 and January 5-7. Rates are £1.70 per hour for a f o u r h o u r d a y . See M i s s F i t z s i m m o n s , housekeeper o f Falmouth-Keogh Hall today. Nightline will be open right up until December 21. Phone 01581 2468 or call r o u n d at 9 Princes Gardens for coffee and a chat. Finally, Guilds are offering the last eight years' IC Rag Mags f o r j u s t £ 2 . 5 0 as a s p e c i a l

F E U X B H B H a M M B H

C h r i s t m a s o f f e r . T h e s e are available from the Guilds office.

Serious Bits There are lots of serious bits I was g o i n g to w r i t e , but o n reflection it seems better just to give a sentence or two outlining the topics I feel strongly about, and then expand on them next term when you're more likely to take them to heart. Southside security: It seems bonkers to me that the halls of residence are locked at 1900h, yet open at 0500h; anyone who has a mind to could, say, wander in and kidnap a vice president, or worse. T h e new r e f e c t o r y : h o w thoughtful to provide unbreakable plastic plates for us clumsy students; but don't do what I did and bring the whole place into confusion by asking for a drink of water with your meal. Harlington gravel: can it be true that College and the U n i o n have actually organised something to their mutual benefit without violent disagreement? Also in next terms F E L I C E S we will be considering the post of Deputy President, and whether Christine Teller will run for it

[Plans for next term's F E L I C E S ' are well under way. One of the main ideas I want to introduce is I an occasional feature article of general interest—not specifically r e l a t e d to a n y p o l i t i c a l o r religious viewpoint. I mentined this a few weeks back, and since t h e n we've been o f f e r e d a n outing with IC Balloon Club, a free parachute jump, and several other goodies. Special c o m mendation for the two girls who offered to write a feature on a health and beauty parlour if we could negotiate a free session for them; it's looking hopeful for that, too. We are also going to have a F E L I X investigation into boar pheromones, the only 'sex aid' to be taken seriously in the last twenty years. Another idea I've considered is to use F E L I X to coordinate a campus-wide census with the help of, say, the Welfare department. Would you a) be interested and b) be prepared to cooperate with a serious, anonymous, properly organised census into students' opinions and activities concerning sex, sexism, drugs, police harassment etc., and if so, what do you think should be included in the 'etc.'? Also coming next term is a numerically sequential cartoon s t r i p e n t i t l e d The Horns of Uncertainty. The etymological aspects of this will not become clear until the series begins to unfold, but as a foretaste, the zeroth installment is printed on this page.

Impossible Without l e a v i n g s o m e o n e out o f the credits, but thanks are due to H u g h Southey, M a r k Smith, Walkabout-Cooksee, Gastropod, Adrian James, A n d y W o o d (for jeopardising a promising career w i t h B r i t i s h R a i l by sharing a railway compartment w i t h t w e n t y six p o u n d s o f bladder wrack) D a v i d Britton, Jon Barnett (or was it John Barnet?) Charles Bailyn, Rich Archer, Professor Grootenhuis, Jim Redman, Paul Philippou, P i n o c c h i o (and associates), Caroline Foers, Nick Bedding, Lee Paddon, T i m Pigden, Dave Jago, Little Iz, Penny Kinns, Kathy Bishop, Chris Mallaband, Petra Barry and M a z Fellows. T o these are to be added the mega-heroes Diane Love, Nick P y n e , the i r r e p r e s s i b l e T i m Noyce, and most of all to the printer Peter Dawson who has strained himself to the limit, often arriving at work as early as eleven o'clock to get F E L I X out on time. I'm deeply grateful to all of you.

December 14, 19821

• • • • • M M

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FELIX PRESENTS:

Trial bu UGM A selection of old favourites from a hitherto unpublished Gilbert and Sullivan Opera.

Patter Song —

UGM

Chairman I a m the very m o d e l o f a credible s a b b a t i c a l I k n o w the c o n s t i t u t i o n w i t h p r e c i s i o n m a t h e m a t i c a l I c h a i r a l l C o u n c i l meetings w i t h efficiency t h a t ' s laudable A t U G M s I shout t i l l Stephen G o u l d e r ' s b a r e l y a u d i b l e I wrote against F r a n k R o w s e l l a n d a l l those o f his mentality A n d I c o m p i l e d a w h o l e s o m e b o o k o n sex a n d s e x u a l i t y C o n t a i n i n g s lots o f useful facts o n m a l a d i e s venereal ( A s if such things were prevalent i n students at I m p e r i a l ! ) I s t o o p to a n y level to m a i n t a i n m y p o p u l a r i t y I'll wear a silly t u r b a n to p r o v o k e s o m e j o c u l a r i t y I n fact, as everyone agrees, a n d most are quite emphatical I a m the very m o d e l o f a c r e d i b l e s a b b a t i c a l !

Ballad — The Captain

Trio — President & 2 Students President: I a m so p r o u d if 1 a l l o w e d S a b b a t i c a l pride to be i m guide I'd v o l u n t e e r right now a n d here T o v i n d i c a t e y o u for a m o n t h or t w o S a b b a t i c a l pride must be denied A n d so I've tried to m o v e to S o u t h s i d e , S o u t h s i d e First Student: M y b r a i n it teems w i t h endless schemes B o t h g o o d a n d new for I C U A n d if we split, the benefit T h a t we c o u l d g a i n is a l l in v a i n S o every m a n s h o u l d try to b a n T h i s reckless p l a n as best he c a n Second Student: I h e a r d one day a g e n t l e m a n say T h a t U n i o n s w h o are cut in t w o A r e stuck for space, a n d so lose face D e s p i t e y o u r c l a i m s w e ' l l not p l a y games W i t h y o u , since this is true I ' m s o r r y for y o u W i t h o u t a d o we b i d y o u a d i e u .

Solo — Mr Smith (the ex-Governor of the Gilbert & Sullivan islands)

W h e n I was a l a d I t h o u g h t it cute T o dress m y s e l f i n a s a i l o r suit W h e n I p l a y e d w i t h friends it was s u c h a p r a n k T o k e e l - h a u l t h e m a l l a n d m a k e t h e m w a l k the p l a n k T h i s k i n d o f f u n so suited me that n o w I have A t school my maths I stood and counted A s pencil monitor I F o r I counted them

b e c o m e D o m e s t i c Secret'ry I l e a r n e d b y heart ' e m to p l a y m y part stayed o n the t r a c k out a n d I c o u n t e d t h e m b a c k

A n d once I'd mastered n u m ' r a c y I knew I c o u l d become D o m e s t i c Secret'ry A s a teenager I spent a n i g h t O n a S e a l i n k ferry to the Isle o f W i g h t I kept m y d i n n e r w i t h a s m i l e so brave

If ever f o r s o m e reason there's m o r e h o u s i n g to be f o u n d I've got a little list I've got a little list O f bits o f U n i o n B u i l d i n g that m i g h t w e l l go u n d e r g r o u n d A n d that never w o u l d be missed T h a t never w o u l d be missed T h e r e ' s the o l d refectory w h i c h n o - o n e uses a n y m o r e T h e r e ' s the L o w e r L o u n g e , G r a f f i t t i a n d there's a l l the second f l o o r T h e D r e s s i n g r o o m , the C o n c e r t H a l l a n d a l l that D r a m s o c stuff ( T h e President suggested that a n d Aeseemed keen e n o u g h ) A n d c o m m i t t e e r o o m s that house o r g a n i s a t i o n s feminist (Societies l i k e W I S T ) I ' m sure they w o n ' t be missed.

A n d decided o n a life u p o n the ocean wave The

n a v a l life so

appealed

to me that n o w

I have

b e c o m e D o m e s t i c Secret'ry

Solo — Lady Mary

I n the R o y a l N a v y I m a d e m y n a m e And

C a p t a i n L i n d l e y I soon became

B u t w h i l e o n b o a r d I felt so green T h e y m a d e me a i d e - d e - c a m p to the Q u e e n F r o m a i d e - d e - c a m p to H e r Majestee it's easy to b e c o m e D o m e s t i c Secret'ry But aide-de-camp I found such a bore T h e y m a d e me w o r k h a r d f r o m ten t i l l f o u r S o I d r e w o n m y store o f l i m i t e d k n o w l e d g e A n d the h e l p o f some b u d d i e s at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e W h o m a n a g e d to p u l l s o m e strings f o r me, so n o w I a m the p r o u d D o m e s t i c S e c r e t ' r y N o w a l l y o u r lads w h e r e v e r y o u m a y be If y o u w a n t to rise to the t o p o f the tree W h e n y o u p l a n y o u r career as y o u leave s c h o o l Be c a r e f u l to be g u i d e d by the g o l d e n rule: D o n ' t w o r k at a desk, s p e n d y o u r life at sea, A n d y o u all may become Domestic Secret'ry

D e a r f r i e n d s , take p i t y o n m y l o t , m y c u p is not o f nectar I l o n g have l o v e d (as w h o w o u l d not?) y o u r k i n d a n d charming Rector L o n g years ago m y love began so sweetly yet so sadly N o w he's b e c o m e a p l a i n o l d m a n yet still I love as o n l y I can Y e s , still I love h i m m a d l y Y o u v e r y , very p l a i n o l d m a n I l o v e , I love y o u m a d l y Y o u very p l a i n o l d m a n I love y o u m a d l y . I k n o w n o t w h y I love h i m so, it is e n c h a n t m e n t surely H e ' s d r y a n d stuffy, deaf a n d s l o w , i l l - t e m p e r e d weak a n d poorly H e ' s ugly a n d a b s u r d l y dressed a n d sixty seven nearly H e ' s e v e r y t h i n g that I detest, yet i f the t r u t h m u s t be confessed I love h i m very d e a r l y Y o u ' r e e v e r y t h i n g that I detest, b u t still I love y o u d e a r l y Y o u ' r e a l l that I detest I love y o u d e a r l y .

Finale — The Company

Trio — The Exec All: T h r e e little E x e c fools are we A l l qu i te as h a p p y as c a n be D o n ' t give a d a m n for democracee—ee T h r e e little E x e c f o o l s First fool: O n e little f o o l is a p o m p o u s berk L o o k i n g for j o b s that he c a n s h i r k A n y excuse for a year o f f w o r k T h r e e little E x e c f o o l s ! All: T h r e e little N o w we're Pissed as a T h r e e little Second fool:

fools a l l useless, very elected let's m a k e m e r r y newt o n U n i o n sherry Exec fools!

T w o little fools are i m p o r t a n t m e n W e ' v e got the p o w e r t i l l G o d k n o w s w h e n A s l o n g as it's cleared w i t h A u n t i e J e n T h r e e little E x e c f o o l s ! All: Three Think We've Three Three

little fools w h o a l l u n w a r y we c a n last till J a n u a r y got it made n o w we've s a c k e d M a r y little E x e c fools, little E x e c f o o l s !

Solo — The Professor of Bray W h e n i n m y j o l l y p o s t g r a d days • M y w o r k went a l l to pieces I t o o k s o m e other c h a p ' s results A n d so w r o t e u p m y thesis B u t this is the l a w I w i l l u p h o l d A n d n o n e m a y interfere, S i r , T h a t w h a t s o e ' e r the facts m a y be I ' l l b o o s t m y o w n career, S i r , W h e n m y P h D was safe in h a n d Success became m y p a s s i o n So I s l i p p e d off to the U S A T o l e a r n the latest f a s h i o n . B u t this etc. T h i s g o l d e n rule I s w i f t l y l e a r n t , A n d made my fruitful practice: T e l l people w h a t they w a n t to h e a r — T o H e l l w i t h w h a t the fact is But this etc S o i n each S u n d a y s u p p l e m e n t , I c a l l e d their wishes K n o w l e d g e , A n d s o o n c o n t r i v e d to get m y s e l f A f e l l o w o f a college But this etc A p a p e r b a c k I next s u p p l i e d w i t h t r e n d y stuff u n s t i n t e d A n d s u b t l y s l i p p e d the c o n t r a r y in footnotes finely printed B u t this etc. M y due r e w a r d i n time a r r i v e d S o I ' m the p r o u d possessor O f a chair, distinguished and renowned, A n d the title o f ' P r o f e s s o r ' B u t this etc. N o t h o u g h t o f t r u t h o f facts s h a l l e'er C o n s t r a i n me o r c o n d i t i o n T h e b o o k s a n d papers that I w r i t e T o further my a m b i t i o n B u t this etc.

W h e n the little b l u e b e l l at the b o t t o m o f the d e l l starts t o ring ' D i n g , ding', W h e n the little b l u e b i r d w h o has never s a i d a w o r d starts to s i n g ' S p r i n g , s p r i n g ' , W h e n the little b l u e c l e r k s i t t i n g m e r r y at his w o r k starts a tune to the m o o n i n the n i g h t It is n a t u r e , 'tis t r u e , s i m p l y t e l l i n g us to d o w h a t ' s r i g h t . A n d that's why B i r d s d o i t , bees d o i t , E v e n folks with P h D s do it, F r o m w h a t I h e a r d y o u d o it t o o ; W e k n o w that c o w s d o i t , swine d o i t , P e o p l e say they've seen N i c k P y n e d o i t , ( S o m e h o w I d o u b t that that's true.) N o w b l o w f i s h d o it i n the c o r a l L o v e r s d o it after they q u a r r e l M a r k A l d e r t o n t h i n k s it's i m m o r a l If y o u d o n ' t have pills then y o u g o t t a d o it o r a l P o s t g r a d s , they say, d o it, L a d i e s i n the I n s t i t u t F r a n c a i s d o it H e y , w h y d o n ' t we d o it too?

M i r scheint daC O c h s m a c h t es, K u h m a c h t es, E i n gesundes K a n g u r u h m a c h t es, T u d u es, sei m a l v e r l i e b t ; E i n E s k i m o o h n e L i c h t m a c h t es, F u r s t e n m t i t t e r m i t der G i c h t m a c h t es, T u d u es, sei m a l v e r l i e b t ; E i n K r o k o d i l tief i m N i l m a c h t es, A u c h i m Reptilerei H a s e n a u f R a s e n sofort wie P r i n z e s s i n D i E i n j e n e r G o l d f i s c h i m G l a s m a c h t es, E i n S t u d e n t ' n a u s f l u g i m G r a s m a c h t es, SpaC m a c h t es, sei m a l v e r l i e b t !

T h e ancient B r i t s r o u n d Stonehenge d o i t , L o t s o f students i n C i v E n g d o i t , W e k n o w i t , o h yes it's true; T h e y say that h y p n o t i s t s v o o - d o o it It's m o r e m a g i c a l w h e n y o u d o i t , T h a t ' s w h a t I ' m t o l d y o u like to d o ; W e were i n K e o g h , a n d we overheard astonishing shrieks A l t h o u g h D o n M o n r o says "that H e ' s not d o n e it i n W e e k s T h e girls i n B e i t w h e n they're tight d o i t , E v e n w h e n they've sobered u p they m i g h t S o t o n i g h t w h y d o n ' t ve d o it too? And

what's

M o n k s do it, punks do it, R a v i n g paralytic d r u n k s do it, And

I c a n see qu i te a few;

I have been t o l d that K a t e B u s h does i t , D o e s n ' t p u z z l e me that S c a r a m o u c h e does i t , W h a t I ' m s a y i n g is let's d o it t o o ; E a c h s l i t h y tove i n the w a b e does it W i t h a fav'rite m o m e rath, B a r n e y M c C a b e does it On

his o w n i n the b a t h ,

T h e w o r k s i n s p e c t o r does i t , T h e R e c t o r does it C a p t a i n L i n d l e y in D o m e s t i c Sector does i t , If I g o t t a d o i t , then I w a n t to d o it w i t h y o u .

ASTOUND VOIJft with this selection of tricks, games and jokes by A n ideal puzzle to try on your pals at the building site, on a demolition ground, or anywhere there are five bricks you can use. The puzzle is simply to pick up five bricks using one hand. The diagram shows how to do it.

In the bar, take an ordinary baby's rubber teat and before anyone can ask why you have such a thing with you, bet someone they can't pour the entire contents of a bottle of tonic water into the teat. When they give up, tie the teat to the neck of the bottle with a bit of string, block the hole with a matchstick, turn the whole lot upside down and shake it. The fizz from the tonic water will inflate the teat to such a size as will comfortably accommodate all the liquid. Now ask yourself if it was worth it

The next time someone asks vou to share an apple with them, here's an amusing way of cutting it in half. T h e first cut is made vertically half way into the top of the apple; the second cut is made similarly upward from the bottom but perpendicular to the first. Finally, the two cuts are joined by cuts made into the side of the apple from diametrically opposite points on its 'equator'. It's impossible to describe, so see the diagram for what each half looks like.

Outdoors? Try locking your friend to a lamp post or a tree (parking meters are too thin). If you wrap your legs round a tree as shown in the picture and then sit down, your.own body weight makes it very difficult (and if you're unfit, impossible) to stand up without being helped. Other entertaining acrobatics include climbing to a standing position on top of a parking meter. O r you could try walking along the narrow sloping ledge two feet from the ground on the Prince Consort Road side of the Union Building.

Bet someone they can't drop a raw egg onto the floor without it breaking. Most people release the egg very close to the ground, but it's a remarkable fact that if it is dropped from a height of more than six feet it will align itself so that its strong long axis is exactly vertical, which means that if it lands on a surface which is smooth but not too hard it won't even crack. Ideal surfaces are grass, smooth carpets (such as the carpet tiles in most halls of residence) and that loose-weave rush matting you sometimes see in trendy homes. Don't try it on lino, concrete, parquet Another puzzle: this one is for contortionists and has no easy solution. Place a matchbox on end on the floor. N o w , without using any walls or furniture to steady yourself, and without letting any part of your body except your feet touch the floor, pick up the matchbox in your teeth.

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Make a tower with seven dominoes as shown, then challenge someone to remove the lowest horizontal domino without touching any of them and without letting the tower fall. It isn't easy, but with practice you can flick an eighth domino upright and it will flick the required domino clear of the tower while inertia keeps the rest of them in position.

Another similar problem is to climb underneath a table without touching the floor.

Next time you wear a suit or dinner jacket, put a reel of white thread in the inside pocket and, with a needle, thread the end of it through the fabric of the jacket leaving a few inches lying on one lapel. When a helpful friend tries to remove what looks like a scrap of cotton from your clothing he'll be embarrassed to discover he's pulled out a length of thread several feet long.

'Kneesy, Earsy, Nosey', a children's game which Stan Laurel repeatedly confused Oliver Hardy with in the film The Devil's Brother. Hold your nose with your right hand and your right ear with your left hand. Now slap your knees with your hands and grasp your nose with your left hand while your right hand goes to your left ear. Slap knees again, then back to the starting position. Repeat, over and over again, rhythmically and as quickly as possible.

Drawings by Richard

Archer

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• Honda Benley CD200T, V reg, immaculate condition, 500 miles only, crash bars, top box, new back tyre £350, any reasonable offer considered for quick sale, contact Jane Faircloth, 373-6914 or Chem Eng 1 letter-racks. •Regent B/'H clarinet, vgc £45ono. Phone int 2721 Derrick. • N A D 3030 amplifier & Dual CS606 turntable with good cartridge for sale. Offers over £100 the lot. All you need is a pair of speakers and you've got a hi-fi system. If you saw last weeks advert, the phone number was wrong. Please phone 373-6914 or contact David via Maths 1 letter-racks. Will demonstrate. • Escort 1300 G T 1973 tax and long MoT, Rare four door model £650 ono. Contact Keith Rossiter via Mech Eng letter-racks. •Wanted: Pair of Reynolds 531 S L stabilisers with Campag SR hubs, to fit track bike. Contact Ronan McDonald, Maths 3. •Winter Tennis: four good players of club standard needed to play indoor tennis at Vanderbilt Club nr Shepherd's Bush tube. Please contact Mike See, Chem Eng P G , rm E425/int 2027. • I C R F C urgently need players for Saturday matches. If you would like to play for us, even occasionally, please contact: Ian Montandon, Elec Eng letter-racks. • B u d d i n g artist wanted: to design Squash Club sweatshirt. Contact Dave Molesworth, RSMU Office or 7316301. • B o r e d with life? Working too hard? Ecstatic? Idle? Then come and help on (national) B A Y S D A Y . It's all simple stuff a n d t h e r e is no t r a v e l l i n g involved. The date? March 5 1983. If interested, please contact Frances Burke, Life Sci 1 as soon as possible. •Weeks Hall (internal) Preservation Society (WHIPS). •Southwell—we are glad that you were remotely interested in last year's Rag Mag earlier this term. B S H H S .

i i i i i i i i

•

•Mark Stanley, the golden age of IC bowling will be at the Charrington Bowl, Tolworth, at 3:30pm on Wednesdays during termtime, displaying his talents. He might even bowl as well! •Melanle, meet you in Greenland Dec 24. Bring the rope. Santa. • F i o n a , has S u p e r m a n ' s frankfurter gone cold, or will spikes come to the rescue with the leg-warmers? • Wanted: One Python. Please contact Amelia. •"Happiness is...being hit over the head with a tray." • W h o the hell is G M W ? • G e r g e l , cough, splutter. •Linstead 428: Thanks for everything! Come again soon. From Stallion of 418. j ' • T h a n k - y o u asbestos hands—you'll do_ anything for a free'meal! • In Memoriam: April to December 1982, Claud Butler RIP. No flowers by request. • J i m m y Talbot (Chem 2) is the real 'Walter the Softy'. •Katie and Debbie (Nutford House) want to start a three-in-bed soc as soon as possible. • D o e s our ICU DP bear any resemblance to Shirley Temple. • Cuddly Bear—Happy Christmas, from your own personal traffic light. • "B-Landing latest hits: Linstead— Chris Gizza; Ian Ferrier, Andy Stacker, Peter Chase; Keogh 256. Christmas Special—Maybe a Union Officer!?"

• P h y s i c s W a n d e r e r s meet their Waterloo Bernard Sunley House (1V s) 1: P W 0 . BSH HS strikes again.

• H G Wells S o c Annual Dinner, F e b r u a r y 16, an o c c a s i o n of u n paralled opulence. Tickets only £14. See G Phillips, Physics 3 or J o in the Union Office. • T h e Xmas Party, Union Concert Hall, bar. disco, food, December 16, tickets from Chemistry Reps £1.50. •Python of Linstead 127, do your p h y s i c a l r e a c t i o n s still i n v o l v e constriction? Franticly yours XX • M o n t a g u the D r a g o n : A r e y o u burning in the sky with the Mile High Club? Puff Puff Zzz • Mike Stuart ME2: Come prepared with sheep, paintbrush and screwdriver. See you le weekend XXX • C h e e r s a million to the Revue-ers. You're all super-heroes. Love from Angie F (not from Linstead). • M y last chance to snipe this year— block ad owing to restrictions on space. Happy New Year to all of you. Jon. •What has happened to the mathematical side of the Mathematical and P h y s i c a l S o c i e t y ? D o there exist maths undergraduates willing to put forward a mathematician's point of view? Contact Jon Frost, Physics 3. • O n g a r Rd require skilled doctor to examine Scottish layabout, presumed dead. Criminal record essential. •Sue—liked your Freudian poster. Shame that didn't come off, but glad to smug this week! •Smurf badges available: Contact A Pearson, Chem 3. • B S H 1 , PW0, Don't let the scoreline fool you, this was a good'un. The animal house was untamed. See you next year boys—the zookeeper. •Tizard Idiots: Weeks Hall mascot is kept in Rm 21. Please remove. A S A P . • Renetly Gentlemen's Hairdressers Discount for students and staff Cut: first visit £3, second visit and after £2.50; Shampoo, cut and blow dry: first visit £4.20; second visit and after £3.85. Mon to Fri 9am to 5pm Sat 9am to 12 noon Renetly, 154a Cromwell Rd, SW7 (Next to British Airways building) Appointments not always necessary.

I I i ii i i i i i i_i_i_i_t_i_i_i_i_i_i i i i i i i i i i i i M"I i i i I L I i i i i i i i I_I i i i i i i i i i i*i f i i i i i i • • • t • i i • i • • • * • • •. " l " l " l T I~I""I~I~I~I~I~I~I™~I~I~I~I~I~I~I~I r i rrrrrrrr~rrrri'r~i i i • • • • •. l l l l l i l l l

B E L O W

CONGRATULATIONS y o u w h o got r o u n d

mitting

•Engagement: Mary Elizabeth Freeman and Ian 'Tosh' Forrester. • T h i s Christmas don't forget to write for Alternative Prospectus. Articles on any aspect of College life accepted before February 1 1983. •RIP Physics Wanderers PW0 BSHI. •Is anybody bored with the word 'Dhimmi' yet? If so, could they please suggest a new catchphrase which is equally incomprehensible. Replies via small a d s , p l e a s e . A n t o n y m the abiotic, Biochem 2. • G o u t health warning: H G Wells Society can seriously damage your wealth — annual dinner a snip at £14. • E a t drink and have the evening of lifetime—Wellsoc annual dinner Feb 16.

• Beer F e s t i v a l : Do you have a favourite beer you'd like to see at the Beer Festival in February? Contact Gareth Fish, Chem 2 with any suggestions. • T e n p i n Bowling Club Xmas Prize Bowling at Tolworth. Liquid and solid prizes for the best (and worst) scratch and h a n d i c a p p e r f o r m a n c e s , plus o t h e r c o n s u m a b l e s a w a r d e d for copious strikes and sundry bouts of demigod-like behaviour. Meet opposite Beit Arch at 2:30pm on Wednesday December 15. • D W ( V O ) P needs scaffolding after more than two pints. • MGs rule OK—but will it be running on December 27? Let's hope so! • S t e p h e n : We w i s h y o u a M a r y Freeman and a Happy New Year. • H a p p y Birthday Pinocchio! (Sorry it's late) with love from the famous five—Mary, Midge, Perola, FELIX and Jimmy the dog. • L o s t one Dramsoc president. A n swers to the name of "who is Chris Barton?". Last seen at elections. • A Happy Christmas to the second year biochemist. •Wanted: Singing Nun Must be able to arrive on cue. Contact Cinderella, Life Sci letter-racks. •Jonathan Miller, I take my hat off to you • Z If your year goes out with a bang, I hope you will be satisfied! Montagu. •Wanted: Girls with strong right arms (left if left-handed) to join an exciting club, the like of which has never been seen before. Meet C h e m E n g e n t r a n c e , 2:30pm, W e d n e s d a y s , or 8:00pm round my place. Kev the Sec. • E T — W h y bother to see the film when you can come to the lectures! • A l a n Pearsokn, O A P , SDAX: Merry Christmas from Joe, Roger and Luke. • J o y e u x Noel: Mary, Desiree, Jimbo, Martin (Python), Chris G , Paul, Rich, J o h n T , M i k e , C h r i s C , Mark R, Grossesbises Frangoise XX • W h o o p s ! P h y s i c s W a n d e r e r s 0, Bernard Sunley 1. We are all as sick as t o u c a n s ( b e c a u s e we all d r a n k G u i n n e s s ) . PW rule nearly all IC Houses.

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to d e m o n s t r a t e it he p i c k e d u p

o r i g i n s as they are i n r e l e v a n c e

not t o o i m p r e s s e d w i t h F r i d a y ' s

w h o c a n ' t seem to c o p e w i t h the

the s t o o l t o give it a hefty t h u m p .

and wit. M O O N E Y

concert a n d submitted

fact that she i s n ' t D P a n y m o r e :

A l a s , it d i d n ' t get that f a r , f o r as

McCALLION:

Chris-

he l i f t e d it f r o m the f l o o r there

t i n e ' s C a r e e r A s L e a d i n g L a d y Is

was a l o u d c r a s h a n d a l l its legs

Over N o w .

fell off.

attacking

a b o u t t h i r t y i n a l l , as v a r i e d i n

problems,

caused

probably

lots

because

o f the d o u b l e O , b u t t h i s d i d n ' t stop

Nick

Offer

Morton—Muck

Never

Entices Y o u . S i m i -

us p r e t t y

attacks;

safe

the

Stanley's

—

from

best

Friday's

your

was J o n Edition's

Have

'Phil'

(Southall?)

wonderfully

Physics

SIDE:

Left

(which

you

might

LINGTON: Left, Obtain John

is m o r e

true

than

suppose) a n d H A R Hardly A n y Rugby

IC Needs

Gravel

Necessities. Pattison

of Maths

insults; I particularly

SOUTH-

Often Use This

Stan's

Inexpensive

Excel. the entries

which

really

Committee

Publications

Board

Friday

into a television which

the s t o r y says

is q u i t e

something

about

television

Chairman

about

the w o r k i n g s

Lazy

which

comedy script;

LINDLEY:

Incompetent

came

headed

House

i f it h a d been w r i t t e n

true,

pudding)

a consortium

embarrassat

w o u l d have appeare d cheap a n d

the

Christmas

last

nevertheless,

from

McCallion

suffered

t a k e the b i s c u i t ( o r i n this case

scripts of

if not House

Committee.

Nincompoop,

J o h n was exhibiting a certain type o f s t o o l w h i c h he c o n s i d e r e d most

liked

M O O N E Y : Completely

T i m e , Receive Offensive Service,

standingly

Expensively, while someone w h o

Often Overcooked, Never Edible

h a d better r e m a i n n a m e l e s s was

Yet,

Vomit

Inducing,

Tasteless, Revolting

GRIMSHAW:

OutMeals,

suitable

to install

i n the

games r o o m . H e h a d explained to

the c o m m i t t e e

h o w cheaply

these s t o o l s c a n be o b t a i n e d a n d

Goulder's

I December 14, 19821

SO P L E A S E D

Choir

have once a g a i n decided to have their p u b l i c i t y p r o d u c e d at the Union

Unit.

They

have

u s ed a n o u t s i d e f i r m o f p r i n t e r s ever since F E L I X let t h e m d o w n badly

i n about

Chorfiihrer memory

1959, b u t since

Eric

which

phant appear

Brown makes

has a a n ele-

scatterbrained

F E L I X has been b l a c k e d f o r the best p a r t o f t w e n t y

years.

A n y h o w , the c h o i r c o m m i t t e e

D o e s Less E v e r y Y e a r , V I C T O R

W A I T R O S E : W a i t A n Indecent

PcigelOl

ment

O F John

contrived

M i k e Prosser.

w i d e n e d the range o f targets f o r his

But

Stevenson

1 coined

Students

Drinks

Coherent

I'M reminds

Maybe

CHAPS:

Senseless, w h i l e N e i l

Hostelry,

No-one

succinct

T A L K

S t a n l e y were C O U N C I L : C a r r i e s Until

gave the

C h u n d e r i n g H a l f w i t s A l l Pissed

L a t e : It's X m a s . A l s o f r o m M r On

Its

Overestimated

Reputation.

l a r l y the X at the e n d o f F E L I X left

Could

CHOIR:

the A r c h a n g e l

have

seen

Union was

f i t t o r e t u r n t o the

for their p r i n t i n g , a n d I

led to

appalling printers

wonder

cock-up had made

just

what

the p r e v i o u s to

provoke

this o u t b u r s t o f s u p p o r t f o r the

IFELIX

11 i 111 1111 11 i i 11 i i i i I"I i i n i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i-1 i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i 11 i i i3C' i i • • •_• ri"i~i"i""i~i~ri~i~i"i~i i~i~i~i~i~i~i ' " • ~ l ~ l " l C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C I J I C C C _ - _ _ _ _ _ _ _ • _ - _ - - - - - - - • it i i i i i i i i i i rrrrri i rrri"i"i"rrri"ri~ri3CC'_i • 111111111111111111111111 i " i " i " i " i " i " r i " i ~ i " i " i " i " i " i i " i ~ r i " i " i ~ i I"I"I~I~"~ r i " i " i " r i ~ r r i " r r i " r i r r i i ~ r o ~ i " i " i " r i " r i ~ i 111 I J I_I_o T I T M i i i"i"i"i"i"i"i~ri~i"i~i"i"i"i"i"i"i~i"i_i_i_i_i_i_ ~ I

U n i o n Print Unit. So I scrutinised the p r o g r a m m e f o r their last concert, a n d l o ! i n the Agnus Dei s o m e w r e t c h e d c o m p o s i t o r had used the o l d Scottish spelling

D O M I N E JESU) SANCTUS A N G U S DEI LUX

AETERNA

O N E O F T H E more convenient fast f o o d r e s t a u r a n t s a r o u n d C o l l e g e is Strikes i n G l o u c e s t e r R o a d . G a s t r o p o d hasn't quite got r o u n d to r e v i e w i n g this p i n n a c l e o f c u l i n a r y excellence yet, p r o b a b l y because so m a n y I C students have been b a n n e d on account of their indulgence w i t h the relish t r a y . T h e last ti m e e x - E d i t o r Steve M a r s h a l l ate there he t o o k great delight i n s i t t i n g near the d o o r so that o n c o m p l e t i o n o f his m e a l , before he h a d received the b i l l , he a n d his friends c o u l d leap u p f r o m t h e i r table a n d be o u t o f the d o o r and halfway back to College before the waiters c o u l d realise that Steve h a d left p a y m e n t f o r

FELIXI

the m e a l l y i n g o n the table. B u t it's the waiters themselves that cause most a m u s e m e n t , a n d w h o have led t o the eating-house nicknamed 'Strokes' by more t h a n a f e w . I realise there a r e c e r t a i n m e n i n this w o r l d w h o speak i n a n affected m a n n e r , w h o e m b e l l i s h their speech w i t h c a m p gestures a n d w h o wear c o n s t r i c t i v e l y tight t r o u s e r s — but w h y d o they a l l gather f o r employment i n South Kensingt o n i n a restaurant w h i c h caters for a more-or-less normal clientele? H o w m u c h w i l l the p u b l i c p u t u p w i t h before they stop e a t i n g there? A l r e a d y o n e (heterosexual) f r i e n d is d i s t i n c t l y w a r y o f the place since the ti m e i n the c o m p a n y o f a m a l e f r i e n d he w a s g r e a t e d w i t h ' G o o d e v e n i n g , I l i k e the n e w b o y friend.' B u t the most a l a r m i n g i n c i d e n t occurred o n a n occasion when the I C O r c h e s t r a c o m m i t t e e were e a t i n g there just before a rehearsal. T i m Jones, the c h a i r m a n , w as p a s s i n g r o u n d some h o l i d a y p h o t o g r a p h s w h i l e they were w a i t i n g f o r the m e a l , a n d as he d i d s o , the c o m p a n y became aware that o n e o f the waiters w a s t a k i n g a m o r e t h a n passing interest i n the pr o -

ceedings, a n d was evidently studying the pictures quite carefully. E v e n t u a l l y he seized a p i c t u r e of T i m from somebody, a n d began to study i t . T i m h a d recently g r o w n a s p l e n d i d b e a r d very q u i c k l y , a n d so the p h o t o graphic version was not a p a r t i c u l a r l y g o o d likeness o f the hirsute y o u n g m a n before h i m , but e v e n t u a l l y the w a i t e r n o t i c e d the resemblance a n d c o m p a r e d the t w o c r i t i c a l l y w h i l e the rest of the committee waited i n e x p e c t a n t s i l e n c e . F i n a l l y he addressed T i m d i r e c t l y ' T h i s is y o u , isn't it?' T i m m a n a g e d a n o d . 'Much m o r e sexy w i t h o u t the b e a r d ! ' A n d he m i n c e d b a c k to the k i t c h e n l e a v i n g T i m a n d friends with a mixture of amusement a n d speechless astonishment.

light. L u c k i l y f o r N i c k he h a d the presence o f m i n d n o t t o let on that i n h i s c o n d i t i o n he h a d n ' t seen the light at a l l , a n d p r o b a b l y w o u l d n ' t recognise one if he r a n i n t o i t ; he w a s let o f f with a caution. T o some extent it was his o w n fault, f o r he was r i d i n g a t a n d e m o n his o w n ; a n y t h i n g so eccentric is b o u n d t o be q u e r i e d b y a b o r e d p o l i c e p a t r o l i n the early h o u r s o f the m o r n i n g . A f r i e n d w h o c a n ride a m o n o c y c l e has given u p u s i n g it i n the t o w n where he lives because every p o l i c e m a n he passes stops h i m a n d then tries t o t h i n k o f a l a w he's b r e a k i n g .

But to return to inebriated t a n d e m i s t s , I have often w o n d e r ed w h a t the l a w w o u l d d o i f it caught u p w i t h t w o people o n a tandem, the front one (the ' c a p t a i n ' ) stone c o l d sober, a n d S I N C E G U I L D S G e n C o m have the back o n e (the ' s t o k e r ' , w h o f o r c e d F r a n k R o w s e l l t o stop has c o n s i d e r a b l e influence o n p i l l o r y i n g N i c k P y n e i n Guildsheet, I suppose it falls t o me t o steering a n d balance) p a r a l y t i c . It's c e r t a i n l y d a n g e r o u s , b u t tell o f his r e t u r n f r o m a p a r t i c what l a w c o u l d they prosecute u l a r l y e x t r a v a g a n t p a r t y last under? Is either o f t h e m d r u n k i n week. H e w as s t o p p e d b y a n charge o f a vehicle? O r w o u l d officer o f the l a w as he c y c l e d his i n e b r i a t e d w a y h o m e a n d w as the p o l i c e revive the V i c t o r i a n charge o f c y c l i n g ' r e c k l e s s l y ' ? a s k e d i f he realised h o w d a n g e r ous it is t o cross a r e d traffic

I December 14, 19821

IPagell

You don't need us to tell youhowmuch sensÂŁÂŁ' > a cycle makes. But you do need us to help you choose your next bike We'll service it, guarantee it and should

anything go wrong, repair it beautifully. And we also offer a 10% discount. So even though you'll be getting around town faster, pur grant will go slower.

MEND-A-BIKE

THE FELIX FESTIVE FOOD GUIDE

Walkabout

Cooksee turns her attention from visual to culinary the emphasis on participation

W a l k a b o u t - L o o k s e e for this C h r i s t m a s issue of F E L I X will take y o u as far as a well s t o c k e d k i t c h e n a n d drinks cabinet. A s well as being h o o k e d o n m y regular dose of visual art I a m very greedy (!) and revel in all the traditional C h r i s t m a s fuss that surrounds holiday feasting and b o o z i n g . F o r a n y d e s p a i r i n g c u l t u r e v u l t u r e s — t a k e h e a r t — I shall review the Treasures of A n c i e n t Nigeria at the Royal A c a d e m y in the first F E L I X of next t e r m : it's on until J a n u a r y 23, a n d highly r e c o m m e n d e d . T r i e - A P T « F tAVLUNc)

Mulled Wine Punches, possets, mulls, toddies and grogs—all are g o o d winter warmers on d a r k , cold days, just the thing after a long, numbing motor bik e journey, a morning tobogganing or as a morale booster o n a gloomy, overcast day. T h e y ' r e also ideal for C h r i s t m a s parties—they're great fun to m a k e and give all your guests at least one shared experience (!) to help break the social ice. In A n g l o - S a x o n a n d early English times a 'wassail' was a mulled, spiced d r i n k made with old ale and served at feasts. T h e w o r d c o m e s f r o m t h e N o r s e ' v e s he ill * m e a n i n g ' g o o d health'. P u n c h , made with spirits, was introduced from India in the 17th C e n t u r y . Making punch was a high-society ritual, carried out with m u c h p o m p a n d c i r c u m stance, a n d by V i c t o r i a n times h a d become strongly associated with C h r i s t m a s . Mulls are basically sugared a n d spiced wines, ales o r ciders, usually diluted with water and then laced with fortified wine, spirit or liqueur. H e r e ' s m y recipe for the F E L I X G l u g g ' : it's a red wine mull, spiced and sugared to taste...my taste—so try it and then adapt it as y o u will. F E L I X G l u g g will fill about a d o z e n /t pint goblets. S t u d an orange with six cloves and bake it in a moderate oven for half an hour. Boil a pint of water with two tablespoonsful of castor sugar, a small stick of c i n n a m o n a n d a little grated nutmeg. Bubble this gently for about fifteen minutes, till all the sugar has dissolved. In another pan gently heat one bottle of any fairly robust, inexpensive r e d wine; supermarket full-bodied Spanish will do very nicely. After all, the mull derives its character from the spices etc, so it seems a pity to 'waste' a fine wine on it. G e t the wine to not-quite-simmering point, but don't let it boil or you'll evaporate all the alcohol! Remove it from the heat a n d add the spiced boiling water a n d the b a k e d orange. Stir in a wineglass of an orange liqueur ( C o i n t r e a u ,

G r a n d M a r n i e r or C u r a c a o ) a n d the same quantity of brandy (again, supermarket homebr an d is fine). Ladle it into punch cups (small china or glass mugs) a n d serve at once.

Mince Pies There are several rather nice things about mulled wine, not least of which is that it's a perfect accompaniment to mince p i e s — w h i c h is a very g o o d excuse for making, a n d then c o n s u m i n g , lots of mince pies! M o s t families have a cherished recipe for mincemeat, a well guarded secret handed from grandmother to granddaughter...which is sexist, a n d grossly unfair to each new generation of C h r i s t m a s chefs! I therefore submit m y o w n recipe for mincemeat. It will fill up to three d o z e n mince pies depending, obviously, on h o w big the depressions in your baking tray are and h o w full y o u like your pies. Start with 4oz seeded raisins 4oz currants 2oz sultanas 2oz candied peel and 1 large, peeled a n d c o r e d apple. C h o p or mince these to produce a rough- or smooth-textured mixture, as y o u prefer. In a b o w l , m i x the fruit with 4oz shredded suet 4oz soft, b r o w n sugar 2oz ground almonds and 2 tablespoonsul of marmalade. G r a t e the rind off a lemon and squeeze the juice from it. A d d these to the m i x t u r e , a n d also 1 teaspoon of mixed spice, a pinch of nutmeg and two tablespoonsful of brandy. M i x well till all is evenly amalgamated. T h e n cover the bowl, or put the mincemeat in sealed jars, till y o u want to use it. It keeps well for several weeks in a cool place, a n d because of the alcohol matures a n d improves!

Pagel4l

Ohib OF Trie hllte-ST THHCjS /rSoirr Xnfc

December 14, 1982E i

arts

with

Walkabout-Pastrycook N o one else's pastry is ever a s g o o d : 'pastry like M u m makes it' reigns supreme. But it's difficult to reproduce if y o u can't remember exactly h o w M u m does make it. I like pastry very light and very s h o r t — w h i c h means that it melts in the m o u t h , but crumbles in the hand. It needs t o be made in a relaxed frame of m i n d w i t h a light h a n d . . . b o t h of w h i c h c a n be achieved with practice. If you're in a desperate h u r r y , or desperate for M u m ' s p a s t r y , Waitrose sells frozen shortcrust pastry (which I have not tried, so cannot v o u c h for) or, if you ask her nicely and don't reverse the charges, M u m might explain how she does it. H o w e v e r ,

\NC m>itNrs i

for fellow-enthusiasts, here's a W a l k a b o u t P a s t r y c o o k ' s version, which will make up to two d o z e n mince pies, depending again o n the size of the pies. 8oz fine, plain flour 4oz soft butter 2 teaspoonfuls of icing sugar 1 large egg yolk or 1 very small egg M i x the flour and sugar in a bowl. A d d the soft butter and rub it into the flour lightly with your fingertips. W h e n the mixture is like soft bread c r u m b s add the egg and use the blade of a knife to m i x till it begins to cling together. T h e n press it into a ball a n d k n e a d it just enough to free the pasty from c r a c k s . T h e less the pastry is handled the lighter it will be, and this also applies to rolling it out. U s e the rolling pin gently: roll the pastry out thinly (3-4mm) o n a lightly floured board a n d c u t it into rounds using different sized cutters (the lid should be smaller than the base!). Put the bases in a well buttered pie tray a n d spoon mincemeat into them. Depending o n h o w generous y o u are there will be more or less left over for the next batch...or for nibbling as y o u c o o k ! Place the lids o n ' the filled bases a n d b r u s h the top of each pie with a little milk if y o u like your pastry shiny. B a k e near the top of a hot oven ( G a s 7, 425F) for about fifteen minutes, until golden b r o w n . L e t them cool in the baking tray for a few minutes a n d then transfer to a cooling rack. Eat them hot or c o l d , but dust t h e m with icing sugar first. H a p p y drinking, ' b o n appetit', a n d M e r r y Christmas.

FELIX

garten (£3.75), Kreuznacher St Martin (£5), Winkeler Hasenprung Auslese (£6.75) and Johannisberger Holle Auslese (£7). Many of the clarets on the list are rather young. All the major regions are represented. Most of the 1978 and 1979 wines should be kept for several more years, although the C h La Tour St. Bonnet 1979 (3.45) and the C h . de Pez 1979 (£5.50) are quite superb already. Of the somewhat older wines C h . Medoce 1972 (£2.80) and C h . Mortheil 1975 (£2.85) are priced very modestly, One has to pay more for the bigger wines of the 1973 vintage which stand at about £7.00 a bottle on the list. Should none of thesexlarets be attractive then there is a small selection from Burgundy, some excellent Beaujolais and you could always experiment with one of the full bodied, high alcohol wines from California—we have it all!

...while the Chairman of the College Wine Committee finds some unexpected bargains in

Mooney's Wine Cellar Why not buy direct from the Cellar and obtain the 7'/2% discount offered for purchases of six or more bottles, and made up mixed from anything on the list? Orders can be placed with the Refectory Office, ground floor, Sherfield but cash or cheque on collection, please. And why not experiment this Christmas; serve a Moselle as an aperitif which is cheaper than gin a n d start the d i n n e r with o n e of the outstanding 1976 Hocks of which there are still a few cases in the cellar at very modest prices, followed by a claret and finish the festivities with some madeira. The nomenclature of G e r m a n wines is lengthy but very systematic—eg the terms

Spatlese and A u s l e s e denote i n c r e a s i n g degrees of original grape-sugar content. The greatest Hocks come from the Rheingau, made exclusively from the Riesling grape. In the Moselle, this aristocratic vine also yields exquisite though lighter wines. In the more southerly regions—Rheinhessen and Rheinpfalz—the Hocks are mellower and quicker to mature; the predominant grape there is Sylvaner, together with a more recent cross, called the Scheurebe. Two reasonably priced Hocks are the Rudesheimer Rosengarten 1979 ( £ 2 . 8 0 ) a n d the S c h l o s s b o c k e l h e i m e r Felsenberg 1977 (£3.75). The Hocks from the 1976 vintage are: Gersenheimer Schloss-

Have a happy Christmas. Chairman,

Cordon Bleugh! As a special Christmas treat for those of our readers who fancy themselves as aspiring chefs, FELIX asked that renowned master of the culinary arts Victor Mooney to submit a few of his favourite recipes 8B86QQ999 II Shrimp and Raspberry Cocktail Line glasses with fresh young turnip-tops. M i x chopped shrimps and raspberries together with cheese sauce, and sprinkle with chicory.

P Grootenhuis IC Wine Committee

Beetroot Soup Boil 4ozs o f grated cheese in lpt of beetroot juice until dissolved. A d d diced beetroot and anchovies. Immediately before serving stir in one glass advocaat per person. Melon Boats Cut melon into slices. Completely cover with lemon curd. Garnish with pickled onions and gherkins and serve on a bed of turkish delight mixed with a few snails. Liver Meringue Pie

Soupe aux Bananes Mix l ' / pints beef stock with an equal quantity of stewed rhubarb. Spread banana slices generously with marmite and add. Stir in the zest and juice of two lemons, and a dash of salt and pepper. Boil for ten minutes. Sprinkle with vermicelli and serve.

Line pie dish with pastry. Mince 1 % pounds of cooked liver. Mix in a handful of sultanas and celery, and turn out into dish. Flatten out with knife. Spread on a thin layer of apricot jam. Make up meringue mixture and lay on thickly. C o o k in oven for ten minutes till meringue just brown. Sprinkle with Worcester Sauce and serve.

Poulet Maritime Stud a roast chicken with cloves. F o r the stuffing, skin and bone three cooked kippers. Mash, and add raisins and a little curry powder.

Avocado a I'Ancienne Stud avocados with cloves and bake in microwave oven. Meanwhile make up sardine icing. Cut avocados into cubes, dip in sardine icing and then set into cubes of aspic. Serve with fresh cream and grated nutmeg.

Prawn and Radish Cheesecake Cover with custard, chill and serve. Cream of Oyster Soup Poach oysters ('/ dozen per person) in bacon stock. Drain. 2

Boiled Egg Soup Boil six eggs for two minutes (whites still runny). Shell. A d d pint of milk, beef stock and juice from one tin mandarins. Bring gently to the boil, stirring continuously. Pour into bowls and divide mandarins between each.

With the liquid make a thin oatmeal porridge. A d d oysters and one uncooked banana per person. Iced Cod Marinade a portion of cod in strong cocoa; spread with fondant icing and wrap in cooked spaghetti. Serve cold.

Parsnip Delight Cut parsnips in half lengthways, and cover with a mixture of equal quantities thousand island dressing and vintage port. Garnish with grated chocolate and mint leaves.

Gooseberry and Kidney Crumble Braise chopped gooseberries with kidneys till thoroughly cooked. Heat '/ cup Guinness and stir into gooseberry and kidney mixture. Put into a deep oval dish and smooth out. Cover with crumble mixture, put into medium oven for fifteen minutes. 2

Steak Surprise Grill steak until brown on outside and juicy pink on inside. Remove from grill, cover completely with marshmallows and grill again for two minutes till marshmallows begin to melt. Garnish with sliced pilchards. Avocado au gratin

Seafood Trifle Line bottom of trifle dish with slices of chocolate swiss roll. Mix up cooked prawns, cockles, mussels and oysters in 2pts raspberry jelly, pour over swiss roll. Leave to set, spread '/ " layer of cold porridge. Decorate with chocolate buttons and piped cream. 2

Make a traditional sorbet using a mixture of pulped avocado and capers. Cover with cheese sauce and serve cold.

FELIX

December 14,1982

Paget*

INCCCHI Welcome to the double spread Pinocchio. Lots of puzzles for you t o spend the Christmas hols on. The puzzles marked with a sprig of holly are more difficult, and thus prize puzzles (ÂŁ5 donated by Mend-a-Bike). The others are for your amusement only, so please don't send i n answers. The draw for the correct solutions will be made on January 12 1983, at 1:00pm. T h e winner of last week's puzzle was R o b e r t M a c r a e of E E L Thanks also to C G o h for providing a wide variety of solutions.

And now a special puzzle - no-one in the FELIX office can solve it, so this is your chance to be famous. Solutions to the FELIX office please.

Knight Errant's Puzzle ...so the witch gave the knight a new shield. "As well as protecting you from all harm," she said, "this is the emblem of the maid you seek. If you are wise enough to decipher the meaning of the designs you will discover her name, her occupation and her birthdate. All four digits that you require are clearly displayed. However, as you are of a mathematical turn of mind maybe I can suggest a way that you can solve the riddle with your pocket calculator The first two sum to the second pear's product; The latter sum is one and the difference two."

Santa's Soup Run

^uperkin

Twas the night before Christmas—and Santa C l a u s and his seven reindeer needed a warming meal before setting out. Of course, as flying crew, all eight had to have different meals, so down in the kitchen elves Andy, John, Stephen and M a r t i n , the assistant cooks, were preparing two soups each (which for convenience they called N o 1 and No 2). The eight were asparagus soup, bee( broth, cucumber, dandelion wine, egg, trench onion, :noi> pea and haricot haricot bean soup (but not ,, the order) >»t order). ^ a r t o in• "hat c e s s ^ h a ^ ^ e , Kindeev, n' Santa who has to the >ok, , n e w e s t , OK, n e * , tag°ooe =

Having had you puzzling over the rather simple problem of placing a number of superkings (pieces that can move like both a queen and a knight) on a chess board, I shall now reveal the more difficult part of that question. All that I want you to do, is find the smallest n (n>1) such that n superkings can be placed on an nxn board so that none attack any other (although they may, for the purpose of this puzzle, be collinear).

b e s t 3 s

C O

the worst^ always couldn't te« S ° soups is not in the e\ves(*J^ iy the lower four,' said Stepnen. 'At least one of mine two ris,' * Jreplied ° * J "Andy, ; o l my 'but both of mine are better « i d Stephen than Martin's.' ' O h no they're not!' cried > ;'Roth S S i mine 'but' are much better than - ^ar again; 'I'd agree rep' than « ™ ^ h . No 2 n ie a o a t again; h s r v uours. V ^ . ^ No 2 is better u ~ ^ f r o m

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John's No 1,' put in Andy. 'My No 2 is better than John's No 1,' said Martin, who had to have the last word. The elves left poor Victor to sort this out, but as they hadn't told him which flavours they'd each cooked, he was really no better off. Luckily Brian, the gnome who had the unenviable task of teaching elves to read and write appeared:

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'I just met the elves playing snowballs,' Brian said, dropping snow everywhere. 'John told me that if you arrange the soups alphabetically only one person has soups next to each other. Andy said that where soups by one person are next to each other, No 2 is before No 1. He also said that the cucumber soup is not a No 2. Stephen said John's No 2 comes directly after Andy's No 2 in the alphabet, but Andy's No 2 does not come straight after Martin's No 1. Martin concluded by saying that the beef broth and the egg soup were made by different people.' 'How does that help?' asked Victor, sighing. 'Well, dandelion wine soup is obviously the best, and hariot bean the worst,' (Brian sniffed the air.) 'You can work it out from there.' Victor could too, but it took him so long that he burnt the Christmas cake and the mince pies—which goes to show that too many broths spoil the cook! What is the order of the soups, and who cooked which? (Hint: gnomes always tell the truth to the best of their ability.)

Perola

ICLUBS & SOCIETIES!

STOIC

$ Bookshop News

N e w s b i ? a ki . strikes ib a c kI. ...:*u with 4-D television. A T~\ 4.„l„. Y e s , after milliseconds of scientific research the backroor.i boys have finally c o m e out of the closet, going one better than 1TV. F O U R dimensions! T h a t ' s x, y, z A N D t. F o r the first time on television the structure of time is revealed. D e c e m b e r 16 is the date and 1:00 and 6:00pm are the times—the locations; as ever, the residence sets and the J C R . D e c e m b e r 16, in case you haven't guessed, is the date of the Christmas programme, the usual collection of lunacy, sex, illegality and Yuletide scandals. In the interests of public decency we promise a p r o g r a m m e free from canned laughter and jokes about M o o n e y , masons a n d College administrators, or at least that's what the guv'nors tell us w o r k e r s . In the proper fashion, we e n d this c o l u m n by thanking M a r t i n S T a y l o r for the k i n d don atio n of this waste of space a n d wishing y o u a goodnight from all us here in the T V S t u d i o , please remember to remove the plug from the wall s o c k e t . . . w h i t e dot fades to c e n t r e of screen...viewers are w o k e n by 1 k H z tone

T O Soc W i t h their pieces arranged against me, pawns at my front, the evil B l a c k Q u e e n flanking me in the d u s k , the K n i g h t s snarling in the ever thickening d a r k n e s s I stumbled on t h r o u g h the freezing snow towards the F E L I X Office, the c r u m p l e d sheet of publicity c l u t c h e d in my hand. T e a r s c o u r s e d d o w n my face as the m e m o r y of A n i t a ' s b l o o d y , s h a t t e r e d v i s a g e s w a m before my eyes. If only I had been q u i c k e r I c o u l d have put myself between h i m a n d her fragile, soft b o d y but...no, I had failed and now battled on alone. A black bishop appeared f r o m the d a r k e n doorway of the B o t / Z o o C o m m o n R o o m , lazer in hand, its purple b e a m screaming through the icy air. I d o d g e d but it caught me in the chest, m y rib cage exploding in a million d r o p l e t s of s c a r l e t that s t a i n e d the v i r g i n snow. T h e B l a c k Q u e e n screeched her victory to the starry heavens, as her P a w n s m o v e d in for the kill. T h e r e in the snow, t o r n s h r e d d e d , lay the p a p e r — a n d on it I c o u l d just r e a d , as my eyes filmed over with the lethargy of death, " O u r 83 films are: Oh Lucky Man, J a n 18 Lord of the Rings, F e b 8 D r Strangelove, M a r c h 8." T h e B l a c k B i s h o p p o c k e t e d his laser, lifted his foot a n d g r o u n d the paper into the s n o w , saying as he did " S o m u c h for the S F S o c article." Not Bobby Fischer

C&G

H e l l o folks; 'S o n o w the end is near, and so' but there are major events to attend before that. T o d a y there is a U G M 1:00pm M e c h E n g 220; the publicity officer will be elected (not ratified!) a n d the new even longer scarf will be i n t r o d u c e d . T h e same scarf will be used at c a r o l singing this e v e n i n g . T o those that haven't been before this is when we travel to t h e W e s t E n d , s i n g (?) c a r o l s , v i s i t l o c a l hostelries to soothe the vocal c o r d s and return to the u n i o n for m i n c e pies a n d hot p u n c h . B u t this is all a c c o m p l i s h e d , e x c e p t the pubs, tied together on the one scarf, yes it is that long. M e e t 6:00-6:30pm Beit Q u a d / U n i o n B a r . S o see ME220.

Pagel8l

y o u (but will y o u see me),

1:00,

The Invisible

Man

C a n ' t think of what to buy for C h r i s t m a s presents! W h a t can we offer? Stationery items, pens, diaries, tankards, plain or engraved to your own design, Ch r is tmas cards and wrapping paper, b o o k tokens, these c a n be exchanged in any b o o k s h o p in the British Isles. B o o k s in b o t h h a r d c o v e r a n d p a p e r b a c k , technical, reference, fiction, c r i m e , science fiction, biography, c o o k i n g , h u m o u r . If we haven't got what y o u want, we c a n at least try.

Book Choice Harraps Shorter French/English Dictionary £9.95 Concise Oxford Dictionary £7.75 Whitaker Almanak 1983 - H a r d b a c k £9.90, P a p e r b a c k £4.95 Sugar & Spice - Ronnie B a r k e r , H o d d e r £5.40 International Catalogue of Catalogues H a r p e r & R o w £5.95 Selected Diaries of, Cecil Beaton - H o d d e r £4.95 Club Secretary's Guide - H e s t i a Q u i n n , D a v i d & C h a r l e s £3.95 Egon Ronay's Lucas Guide 1983 - Mitchell Beazley £6.95 F Plan Diet - A u d r e y E y t o n , Penguin £1.50 F Plan Calorie and Fibre Chart - M e e r a T a n e s a , Bell & H y m a n £5.95 Fish Cookery - J a n e C r i g s o n , Penguin £2.25 Food without Frontiers - G e r a l d C h a l i a n d , Pluto Press £2.50 M r Bliss - J R R T o l k i e n , A l l e n & U n w i n £4.95

Spy Story - L e n D e i g h t o n , G r a n a d a £1.50 Time of Fourth Horseman - Chelsea Yarbro, G r a n a d a £1.50 Sky Shrold - T o m K e e n e , P e n g u i n £1.75 Barchester Towers - A n t h o n y T r o l l o p e , Penguin £1.95 Secret W o m a n - V i c t o r i a H o l t , F o n t a n a £1.75 - Victoria Holt, Fontana Devil on Horseback £1.65 The Stud - J a c k i e C o l l i n s , S t a r £1.50 The Long Day IVanes - A n t h o n y Burgess, Penguin £2.95 Logan Lake - E l . D o c t o r o w , P a n £1.50 The Seeking - Robert Elegant, P e n g u i n £1.75 Fame - L e o n o r e Fleischer, S p h e r e £1.50 Places — M a r y N a p i e r , F o n t a n a Forbidden £1.50 Party Games - H H K i r s t , F o n t a n a £1.65 Congo - M i c a h e l C r i c h t o n , Penguin £1.75 Razor Back - Peter B r e n n a n , F o n t a n a £1.75 How to talk dirty and influence people - L e n n y B r u c e , G r a n a d a £1.95 Without a trace - C h a r l e s Berlitz, G r a n a d a £1.50 Door Marked Summer - M i c a h e l Bentine, G r a n a d a £1.95 Long Banana Skin - M i c h a e l Bentine, G r a n a d a £1.95 *How to avoid sex - Cliff P a r k e r , N E L £1.50 F o r those in need, we now stock batteries the equivalent of P P 3 . T h i s will be the last B o o k s h o p N e w s until next t e r m . M a y my staff and myself wish y o u all a very H a p p y C h r i s t m a s . * S i n c e this title has appeared on our shelves, it is surprising how m a n y persons have informed me that they contributed to the initial research!

ifessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssgj

ICNAC H o w d y'll. W e l l , here's yer c o u s i n F l o y d all the way from the G r a n ' Ole U n i t e d States of A m e r i c a , dawg gonnit. A y e s a c o m e o n over to give youse all the best Y a n k e e greetins -fer C h r i s t m a s . In f a c t a y e s a flew o n i n t a H e a t h r o w A i r p o r t on that d a w g o n e new fangled air plane, C o n c o r d e . Sheeet, w eeze git birds biggeran that in T e e x a s . But listen y'll I loves yer liddle ole c o u n t r y ' n ' wot ayes a w a n na k n o w is w h e n youse all's gonna c o m e on over ta D i x i e l a n d . W h y j u m p i n ' bullfrogs youse even got yours o w n club right here in Imperial College ' n ' theys gonna tell ya how to spend your s u m m e r in the U S of A . S o don't give me no sheeet, d'ya hear. G i t yours asses on over to the J C R any Friday lunchtime or a y e s g o n n a g i ' y a a w i p p i n ' , fer s u r e . H a v e youse a Y a n k e e - d o o d l e C h r i s t m a s , d'ya hear. B y e y'all.

Vcg Soc F o r those of y o u w h o don't want to reform C h r i s t m a s , lettuce reassure y o u that this is no more our intention than to take a bag full of raisins a n d turn her into a Sultana...But talking about our fourth c o m i n g party (Easter was the. second coming), we are thinking of changing s o m e names a n d phrases: O u r pantomime ' A l a d d i n and the 40 T h i e v e s ' will be replaced with 'Alfalfa and the faulty chefs'; a ' c o l d meat s a l a d ' s h a l l be c a l l e d ' c h i l l y c o n c a r n e ' ; mousetraps shall be k n o w n as 'Rats-a-tuer', a n d b o t h ' f a s t f o o d ' a n d p r u n e s s h a l l be referred to as 'celeri'. S o c o m e to our party, where y o u c a n look forward to a splendid meal with relish (or tomato sauce if the relish isn't O K ) . If y o u want a whole m e a l , y o u ' d better turn up early in case there isn't m u s h r o o m . Y o u c a n c o m e perhaps to pass an evening pleasantly chatting (...do I detect a split P there or was it perhaps a split infinitive?...). " H e y , P a d d y , will ya pasta food a c r o s s ? "

I December 14, 19821

" E h , Pierre, parsley vegetables/ " O K , here's a p i z z a somethingorother..." R e n e w old friendships "I'm sure I s o y a at the F r e s h e r s ' F a i r " " Y e s , it's bean along time " G r e g a r i o u s l y e n g a g e (ie g r e e n g a g e ) in intelligent conversation.... " T h a t swede thinks C o l e s l o w is the capital of C n o r w a y " of..."....isn't Bugs B u n n y an interesting carroter." ...or even gossip. " H e y , S h a e m u s , c a n you see, is that A n n i e and P i e t e r ? " " N o , I don't tink it's O n i o n Pie tere at all, at a l l . " A n d extend invitations...you'll have to c o m e auber, J e a n . " S o m a k e a date (or fig or plum) for the r e n a m i n g p a r t y . E v e n A v o c a d o . F o r the c a r n i v o r o u s , c o m e a n d meat people. F o r the rest, turn green (vegetarian) at the sight of t h e m , and rabbit or shout it for days. I bet you c a n hardly wheat! ( C o r , that one was corny!). W e l l , t h e r e ' s f o o d for t h o u g h t , e v e n if written in apple-ingly bad taste. B u t I'm sure youghurt the gist of it. S o donut forget...rice to the o c c a s i o n . . . n o ? o h all right t h e n , p e a s yourself. O r a n g e to be in the U n i o n D i n i n g Hall ( f i r s t f l o o r , U n i o n B u i l d i n g ) at 6 : 0 0 p m t o m o r r o w ( W e d n e s d a y ) or ( H ) o m l e t t e G a r d e n s , S W 7 at any time suetable.

Soc

T h a n k s to everyone w h o helped to make h u m a n rights week a success. It's hard to m a k e m u c h impact at a place like I C , but every little helps. N e x t week we're having our C h r i s t m a s Party o n T u e s d a y D e c e m b e r 14 at 8:00pm in the B o t / Z o o C o m m o n R o o m (25p to get in). Everyone's welcome to c o m e along, whether it's to d i s c u s s T r o t s k y ' s part in the St Petersburg Soviet or just for the b o o z e . (We'll have some beer, but please bring a bottle as well). M e r r y C h r i s t m a s .

IFELIX

IREVIEWSI

Opera Macabre Le Grand Macabre by Gyorgy Ligeti, English National Opera at the London Coliseum. British premiere. The opera w h i c h ' s h o c k e d a n d scandalised E u r o p e ' w h e n it was first performed in 1978 — Le Grand Macabre - has finally hit L o n d o n . Its creator, the mischievous M r Ligeti, has s t r u c k back. G y o r g y L i g e t i is b e s t k n o w n f o r h i s Atmospheres, Requiem and Lux Aeterna, those atmospheric pieces w h i c h were used to s u c h superb effect in Stanley K u b r i c k ' s 2001: A Space Odyssey, but he is also the originator of m u c h more besides, music w h i c h , to say the least, is bizarre. T h e performances of some of his more eccentric pieces have entered the annals of history. T h e r e was that infamous concert in a newly-opened hall where the platform was filled with metronomes, and where musicians came o n , w o u n d t h e m all up, and then left, leaving the audience to watch dozens of m e t r o n o m e s tick away until they stopped. That concert caused the architect of the hall to feel insulted and nearly resulted in a writ. T h e r e was that c h o r a l piece devoid of language w h i c h required the female singers to shriek at the top of their voices for prolonged periods. ( A n interesting m a n is M r Ligeti—full of imagination). A n d there was that orchestral piece where a tray laid out for a high tea was p o m p o u s l y c r a s h e d o n t o t h e f l o o r at a n appropriate point in the score, and w h i c h r e d u c e d t h e a u d i e n c e to h y s t e r i c s . Y e s , English N a t i o n a l O p e r a has m o u n t e d one of his w o r k s a n d M r Ligeti is back in town (or he was a week ago T h u r s d a y ) . P r o d u c e d by E l i j a h M o s h i n s k y a n d c o n d u c t e d by Elgar H o w a r t h , the E N O p r o d u c t i o n is c r a z y , comic and bizarre. T h e stage is dominated by an e n o r m o u s life-size section of a piece of M 4 slipway, with the top of a double decker bus o n the one side and a technologically tumble-down dwelling on the

Dennis Wicks as Astradamors

FELIXI

Captain Lindley enjoying breakfast at the foot of the Queens (Actually, a scene from Act 2 of Le Grand

Macabre.)

other. T h e plot is absurd. A d r u n k city gent, Piet the Pot (Roderic Keating) c o m e s across a pair of lovers, M i r a n d a (Penelope M a c k a y ) and A m a n d o (Jean Rigby), looking for a place where they can make love. N e k r o t z a r (Geoffrey C h a r d ) enters as the driver of a hearse claiming to be the figure of D e a t h and charged with the task of putting a n end to the w o r l d . H e f o r c e s P i e t to h e l p h i m in h i s mission. In scene two, A s t r a d a m o r s (Dennis W i c k s ) is engaged in masochistic love play with his big-bottomed wife M e s c a l i n a ( A n n H o w a r d ) . Mescalina implores V e n u s (Marilyn Hill Smith) to give her a lover m o r e potent than

and Ann Howard as

Mescalina.

I December 14, 19821

Tower

her h u s b a n d , a n d N e k r o t z a r , entering with Piet, responds to her appeal a n d kills her with his violent l o v e - m a k i n g . T h e s e c o n d act features the palace of Prince G o - G o , the end of the w o r l d and m u c h else besides (which, for reasons of space, I a m unable to describe). If y o u think the plot is c r a z y , y o u ought to listen to the music. T o describe it is b e y o n d my power but it is definitely the music w h i c h breathes life to the characters a n d the plot. Le Macabre is L i g e t i ' s e c c e n t r i c Grand tragicomical depiction of the last judgement— the e n d of time. It is freely adapted from M i c h e l de G h e l d e r o d e ' s (1898-1962) La Balade due a B e l g i a n d r a m a t i s t . In Grand Macabre, Ligeti's o w n words his w o r k represents a 'very colourful, comic-strip-like musical and dramatic action...the characters a n d situations (are) d i r e c t , t e r s e , n o n - p s y c h o l o g i c a l a n d s t a r t l i n g — t h e v e r y o p p o s i t e of " l i t e r a r y " opera'. L e Grand Macabre is influenced by Hieronymus Bosch and L e w i s C a r r o l l ' s Alice in Wonderland, a n d although it is almost surrealist in its absurdity it is not surrealist as s u c h because the action a n d thought behind the o p e r a is not divorced of reason or reality. A c c o r d i n g to Ligeti ' L e Grand Macabre is our present-day w o r l d , depicted on another level of reality, o n the level of a b s u r d reality.' T h e absurdity is death itself. In reality there is no e x p e r i e n c e of d e a t h — n o t h i n g h a s b e e n experienced but what has been lived. D e a t h is an illusion that never quite convinces us, but fear is p r o v i d e d by the inexorable m a r c h of time. ' D e a t h a n d the whole dark future is of no significance to us, there is only a here and now.' Ligeti's o p e r a is totally unique a n d cannot be c o m p a r e d with anything else. The E N O p r o d u c t i o n is one surprise from beginning to e n d , a n d it holds one's attention magnificently all the way t h r o u g h . T h e d e s i g n s a n d a c c o m p a n y i n g action are extraordinary but what makes the o p e r a really go is the music. It is difficult to criticise anything a n d trying to criticise s u c h a bizarre a n d unique w o r k as this is rather silly! Recommended. Nick Bedding

IPagel9

REVIEWS

Chaucer In Monochrome The Canterbury Pilgrims by Dyson Imperial College

Choir

The concert was taken up by a single w o r k , The Canterbury Pilgrims by the E n g l i s h c o m p o s e r a n d teacher D r D y s o n . It is a setting for c h o r u s , three soloists and orchestra of a substantial part of the Prologue to C h a u c e r ' s C a n t e r b u r y Tales, the text partially m o d e r n ised from the fourteenth century original. T h e Prologue, after some scene-setting, portrays a collection of pilgrims on their way to t h e s h r i n e of S t T h o m a s a B e c k e t a t C a n t e r b u r y . C h a u c e r is not over-kind to his p i l g r i m s , for i n s t a n c e t h e m o n k is a n extravagant hedonist, the doctor avaricious and the prioress preoccupied with courtly niceties. This side of C h a u c e r ' s poetry is largely lost in the s e t t i n g , the p o r t r a i t s are in m o n o c h r o m e — w e simply have mysterious music for the astrologist doctor and the M G M angels c h o r u s for the prioress who feeds her pets on choicest fare. A n o t h e r problem with the setting is that there is just too m u c h text, the word-sheet alone was twelve pages long. T h e effect of this is that the audience has to spend the entire • concert staring at the w o r d s lest they lose their place. The musical idiom is very m u c h that of e a r l i e r V a u g h a n W i l l i a m s , s e v e r a l of the passages are very reminiscent of the S e a S y m p h o n y . H o w e v e r , D y s o n lacks the courage of his conviction and at the top of a crescendo, rather than opening out into the strong broad melodies characteristic of that w o r k , he lets the opportunity slip bv. T h e same applies to his attempts to build tension; j u s t as t h e m u s i c b e g i n s to e x c i t e he introduces some inconsequential figure and

Feast of Music Overture to the Magic Flute, Mozart Clarinet Concerto No 1, Weber The Planet Suite, Hoist Imperial College Symphony Orchestra T h e a u d i e n c e at t h e I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e S y m p h o n y O r c h e s t r a concert o n F r i d a y were treated to a feast of music of a very high s t a n d a r d . U n d e r t h e d i r e c t i o n of R i c h a r d D i c k i n s , the o r c h e s t r a has developed over the past few years from a group of individual musicians to a team E m l y n Hughes w o u l d be p r o u d of. M o z a r t ' s o v e r t u r e to t h e M a g i c F l u t e opened the concert which apart from the occasional scrappy string playing was full of d e l i g h t f u l c o n t r a s t s . A t t i m e s I felt t h e orchestra were seated too far apart to be able to keep together, but overall the music was as light and energetic as M o z a r t demands. T h e clarinet is a very popular instrument with beginners, few of w h o m c a n even hope to achieve the technical brilliance of D a v i d Fuest in Weber's Clarinet C o n c e r t N o . 1. T h i s very demanding piece was effortlessly played with s o m e very m o v i n g passages in the slow movement, and technical brilliance towards

Page 20

everything collapses. T h e piece would require considerably more than Eric B r o w n ' s slightly flaccid c o n d u c t i n g even to begin to c o m e to life. In spite of the d r a w b a c k s of the composition, the m e m b e r s of t h e c h o i r w e r e e v i d e n t l y e n j o y i n g t i . ° m s e l v e s . T h e s o l i d i t y of t h e i r o p e n i n g p h r i s e s , after the u n i m p r e s s i v e l y chaotic orchestral introduction clearly established the choir as the better-disciplined body. O n the whole, intonation and diction were g o o d a n d they made the most of any opportunity for exuberant display. A p a r t from a couple of weak entries, the only noticeable lack of confidence o c c u r r e d during the fugal s t a r t t o t h e C l e r k e of O x e n f o r d , n o t b y coincidence the furthest that the vocal parts strayed from conventional harmonic writing. It was in the more contrapuntal sections that the p o o r balance was particularly evident. This was partly the fault of the c o n d u c t o r who could have done m u c h more to bring out the different lines. T h e real p r o b l e m , however, was in the stodgy a n d unimaginative orchestration. F i n e t h o u g h the b r a s s p l a y i n g w a s (the w o o d w i n d too) it was wearisome to listen to the whole overpowering section at almost every possible forte. T h e w o o d w i n d writing was cliched as well, with far too many pastoral oboes a n d twittering flutes. T h e use of quality soloists in a piece s u c h as this is, of course, mandatory, and in this case their contribution was suitably professional. H o w e v e r it d i d n o t s e e m t h a t the w o r k aroused their interest and it was .only the soprano Elizabeth Ritchie, w h o , in the Wife of B a t h , showed any enthusiasm. T h e choice of so pedestrian a w o r k is a little surprising. M a n y of the choir have at most three years of membership. Surely, given the vast repertory of excellent choral music that exists to be explored, it is a shame to waste a whole term on, this piece. Exper imen tatio n is an excellent principle, but unless it be in small d o s e s , it d o e s n o t a l w a y s a d v a n c e a composer's cause.

Slick and Amazing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Imperial College Dramatic Society " W h a t are y o u playing a t ? " " W o r d s . . . w o r d s , they're all we have to go o n . " T h u s spoke R o s e n c r a n t z and G u i l d e n s t e r n — or was it the other way round? E v e n the characters themselves suffer from perpetual confusion as to which is w h i c h . In any case, the lines s u m up T o m Stoppard's a p p r o a c h to writing plays. H i s plays are full of sharp wit, plays on w o r d s , a n d t w i s t e d l o g i c . H e h as a m a r v e l l o u s w a y of making the lines flow smoothly from character to character, at times so slickly that one loses the sense in amazement at the fluidity of the language. T h e play c o n c e r n s t w o m i n o r c h a r a c t e r s from H a m l e t , and is a somewhat bizarre a n d surreal exploration of what they are doing w h e n not directly involved in the action of that play. Totally bewildered as to who they are, where they c o m e from, where they are going and w h y , they drift along in perpetual confusion, their actions determined by events in that other play. T h i s probably sounds very arty and boring, but S t o p p a r d makes the (non-)action sparkle with h u m o u r a n d wit. H i s avowed intention was to write a c o m e d y , and he s u c c e e d e d admirably. T h e h u m o u r is v e r y m u c h c l e v e r h u m o u r , rather than sidesplitting slapstick. T h e play rests very h e a v i l y on the p e r f o r m a n c e of the t w o m a i n c h a r a c t e r s . Fortunately, both J o n Gulliver and Dave S i m m o n s rose admirably to the task, giving very convincing and well thought out performances. T h e y were m a t c h e d by D a v i d Roberts, who played the leader of the troupe of travelling players. Together, the three of them carried almost the entire two h o u r s — n o t an easy task at all. T h e y were helped by the players, who delivered a brilliantly funny slapstick dress rehearsal of a play they were to perform for

Tim Pigden

the end. A small orchestra here a c c o m p a n i e d very sympathetically, particularly in the string section, and achieved a very pleasing result. F o r an amateur orchestra to attempt s u c h a difficult w o r k as the Planet Suite by H o i s t , is always a gamble, but in this case it certainly p a i d off. M a r s , t h e B r i n g e r of W a r w a s powerfully played, with some excellent fortissimos and a strong r h y t h m throughout. T h e o r c h e s t r a now achieved g o o d cohesion a n d balance, previously lacking, helped by a dynamic percussion section. V e n u s , the Bringer of Peace was a complete contrast, but not, I think, as Hoist intended. T h e intonation was rather p o o r in places, and the p l a y e r s were again just not together. H o w e v e r the w o r k improved from then o n , with M e r c u r y being light and bright with some lovely oboe solos. I C S O obviously has no problems at all in playing loud movements, and Jupiter was as exciting as I've ever heard it. T h e central t h e m e w a s w a r m l y p l a y e d by t h e b r a s s , w h e r e a s the strings e x c e l l e d with s o m e beautiful passages in the closing themes of S a t u r n . U r a n u s the magician was not really magical enough, but the closing movement, N e p t u n e , was excellent with a good performance from the choir; but is closing the door the proper way to achieve a diminuendo? Penny Kinns

December 14,

1982

Hamlet and the K i n g , a n d w h o , although they h a d little to s a y , c o n s i s t a n t l y p r o v i d e d c o n v i n c i ng b a c k g r o u n d action. T h e r e were also occasional contributions from members of the court; most of the scenes, unfortunately, c a m e over as somewhat wooden. T h e set design for the ship scene was simple a n d effective. H o w e v e r , this struck a distinctly o d d note in c o m p a r i s o n to the sets of A c t s I and II, w h i c h used simply a bare stage to represent a clearing, a palace, and a harbour, with no props or b a c k c l o t h for any of them. Still, all things considered, this was a well acted and well p r o d u c e d version of a difficult play, a n d was a very enjoyable and thought p r o v o k i n g evening. Finally, may I point out, in reply to Eric's letter ( e l s e w h e r e in t h i s i s s u e ) t h a t t h e p o i n t of reviewing W e s t E n d theatre is so that people c a n m a k e up their minds whether to go a n d see the plays for themselves. B y the time y o u read this (and I a m writing not half a n hour after seeing the play) the r u n will have finished, a n d if y o u missed it y o u are too late. W h a t I c a n say, though, is that our home talent is w o r t h considering; go a n d see the next p r o d u c t i o n . Dave Jago

FELIX

IREVIEWSI

Gandhi Gandhi (A) produced and directed by Richard Attenborough is now showing only at the Odeon, Leicester Square. Fighting for notice in a m o n g the E T hype, this film m a y have e s c a p e d y o u r n o t i c e . T w e n t y years from c o n c e p t i o n to c o m p l e t i o n , this is a n epic in the g r a n d tradition, e x c e p t in one major respect: the great m a n himself is p o r t r a y e d by a complete u n k n o w n ; beset by C o l u m b i a o n one side, w h o w a n t e d a star, a n d the Indian government w h o w a n t e d an Indian to play the c e n t r al role, R i c h a r d A t t e n b o r o u g h trusted his o w n judgement a n d gave B e n Kingsley the role. T h e c h o i c e p r o v e d inspired; M r K i n g s l ey is half Indian a n d bears a striking likeness, due in part to the strenuous efforts of the m a k e - u p d e p a r t m e n t , to G a n d h i . T h i s was a difficult role to be h a n d e d as y o u r first major acting role; n o praise is high enough for his p e r f o r m a n c e , he c o m e s t h r o u g h with flying c o l o u r s a n d is utterly c o n v i n c i n g . In m a k i n g this film, casting has not been the only tightrope A t t e n b o r o u g h has had to walk. H o w do y o u m a k e a film s u c h as this entertaining, a n d a c o m m e r c i a l s u c c e s s for C o l u m b i a , and yet a v o i d offending the Indians by p o r t r a y i n g a m a n , virtually deified by the Indians t h e m s e l v e s , as a n y t h i n g less t h a n superhuman? T h e political p r o b l e m s involved with m a k i n g a film of this size a n d s c o p e , filmed o n location, with apparently no t r i c k s in the c r o w d scenes (they really h a d a million extras at the filming of the funeral), means that the film tends to be 'safe'; neither H i n d u n o r M u s l i m is b l a m e d for the s c h i s ms of the independence years. E v e n N e h r u emerges with a pristine image, a m a n apparently m u c h a d m i r e d by A t t e n b o r o u g h , who constantly encouraged him during p r o d u c t i o n d i f f i c u l t i e s , p e r h a p s to try to salvage a rather tarnished image? T h e r e are also s o m e interesting history lessons to be learnt, s o m e of questionable a c c u r a c y . I'm afraid the old Raj doesn't c o m e off very well either, seeming to consist of either sadistic, callous b u t c h e r s , or inept c o r r u p t politicians. T h e rosy picture c r e a t e d by our history b o o k s of a few isolated revolts followed by a skilful agreement between M o u n t b a t t e n a n d the Indians leading to swift a n d secure i n d e p e n d e n c e , is rather swept aside. Instead, G a n d h i is brought centre stage, the other c h a r a c t e r s r e d u c e d to mere p u p p e t s r e s p o n d i n g to his guidance. T h i s film seeks to portray G a n d h i as by far the most important figure in Indian politics of the time; m y knowledge of Indian history is not p r o f o u n d enough to be able to judge. A l l that apart, it is still a s u m p t u o u s l y splendid film, a n d gets us near as any film c a n to the m a n . S i n c e , probably it is his personal e x a m p l e a n d his writing rather t h a n what he did in the life of his nation that gave h i m his influence, it w o r k s well. H e was in many ways the c o n s c i e n c e of the Indian people. T h e film is w i t h o u t d o u b t , a n u p l i f t i n g experience. T h i s man's belief was u n s h a k a b l e , his energy endless a n d he p u r s u e d truth in his public and private life with utmost tenacity. It is the story of the small m a n , the h u m b l e m a n ; a r m e d only with tolerance a n d k i n d n e s s he took o n the power of the empire. It m a k e s y o u believe in the p o w e r of the individual. H e is p o r t r a y e d as a g o o d m a n , not a divine being.

they rule. D i s p r o v e that, a n d y o u have r o b b e d t h e m of their right to rule. P r o v e y o u are their m o r a l superior a n d they will walk out of your c o u n t r y with their head hung low. If the c h o i c e of the c e n t r al role was c u r i o u s the c h o i c e of s u p p o r t i n g cast shows an eye for the b o x office. T h e Raj is represented by those most British of actors E d w a r d F o x a n d J o h n G i e l g u d , b o t h doing their best to look confused a n d angry as the little m a n runs rings r o u n d t h e m , while C a n d i c e B e r g e n a n d Ian C h a r l e s o n (of Chariots of Fire fame) play his 'disciples'. C u r i o u s l y , G a n d h i ' s death to a fanatic's bullet is repeated; s h o w n o n c e at the beginning

E T. ET, The Extra-Terrestrial.

Produced and

directed by Steven Spielberg, showing just about bloody everywhere. A s I stare at this blank piece of paper, I try to think of something original, witty a n d incisive to say of a film about w h i c h more verbage has been e x p a n d e d t h a n o n probably any other film in history. S o what is so special about two t h o u s a n d meters or so of celluloid that appear to h a v e h a d a n i m p a c t as p r o f o u n d as W a t e r g a t e or V i e t n a m o n A m e r i c a n society, a n d as m u c h media coverage? W h y , before the film left the States h a d it b e c o m e the b o x office n u m b e r one of all time? W h y , despite pirate videos a n d m a r k e t i n g c o c k - u p s of aweinspiring quality, do U I P executives look to this film to set their whole o p e r a t i o n in this c o u n t r y b a c k o n its feet a n d k e e p t h e m in gin a n d tonic for the next decade? P e r h a p s the answer was in the faces I saw leaving the c i n e m a through m y o w n s o m e w h a t glazed eyes, of press-hacks smiling sheepish grins o n tear-stained faces, people w h o hadn't s h e d tears at a film since they wept in Bambi w h e n they were ten years old. W i t h o u t d o u b t , Spielberg has made the ultimate tear jerker. It is a story of love. U n l i k e G o n e With The Wind, it is pure love, untainted by lust and jealousy, as only a kids film c a n be. It is, after all, a kids' film, a point e m p h a s i s e d by the kids-eye-view filming angle e m p l o y e d throughout. T h e m o r a l s are simple: all c h i l d r e n are g o o d or at worst misguided, grown-ups either don't understand or are plain evil. B u t g o o d , in the e n d , will always t r i u m p h over evil. T h e extra-terrestrial is a b a n d o n e d w h e n his fellow travellers to earth beat a hasty retreat, where they receive a distinctly unfavourable reception from the powers that be; perhaps they couldn't play the t r o m b o n e very well or just couldn't be b o t h e r e d with all the r e d tape. H e takes refuge in a b a c k y a r d in that familiar Spielberg s t a m p i n g g r o u n d of middle class

a n d o n c e at the e n d , although from different v i e w p o i n t s , just i n c ase after three h o u r s of fast a n d furious a c t i o n y o u h a d forgotten. T h i s feels strange; y o u feel as if you've been in one of those n o t o r i o u s H o l l y w o o d flashbacks, a n d the star is just about to say " s o y o u see, d o c , that's h o w I e n d e d up with all these bullet h o l e s " . B u t this is a small point in this w o r k w h i c h d o e s justice to a m a n without office or title, w e a l t h or greed, without w h o m the history t r o u b l e d subcontinent might have been very different; where even today a certain rather ruthless politician (although she is no relation) c a n use his n a m e to justify a c t s the M a h a t m a w o u l d have c o n d e m n e d . s u r b u r b i a . Elliott, a k i d h u n g up about his parents' marital p r o b l e m s a n d life in general, finds a n d befriends E T , and that's all y o u get from me. T h e r e is no pretence at 'serious' science fiction as in Close Encounters; indeed there are a few pot shots t a k e n at the s a c r e d c o w of 'scientific' science fiction in this film; this is simply a film about the e m o t i o n s of a small rather m i x e d up k i d , a n d a 'thing'. W a l t D i s n e y w o u l d have used a d o g or a fluffy white rabbit, but we've m o v e d o n ; the eighties want aliens. W i t h this film, the state of the art in models has t a k e n a further q u a n t u m leap. F r o m n o w o n , models will have to be criticised for acting ability a n d c h ar ate r i s tati o n and it is h a r d to believe that E T isn't s o m e midget in a wrinkly c o s t u m e . A s for the h u m a n cast, there is little to fault; they are s o m e w h a t s w a m p e d by the models a n d the special effects, but they all manage to c o m e over well, especially H e n r y T h o m a s as Elliott; in one scene he has to be grief s t r i c k e n a n d s e c o n d s later 'act' grief s t r i c k e n , not a n easy trick to d o c o n v i n c i n g l y . Despite the fact that criticising the holy S p i e l b e r g is the s o r t of t h i n g t h e y w o u l d probably, in less enlightened times, h a c k off various limbs for, may I m a k e a litte point (please) ? In this and the last film he was involved i n , Poltergeist, S p i e l b e r g has made a double ending. Y o u almost feel he has gone away to the cutting r o o m , h a p p y that the film is " i n the c a n " , a n d then panics w h e n he has edited it d o w n to a n h o u r a n d decides he'd better go out a n d shoot s o m e m o r e . Y o u are left there, hanging, after the first climax waiting for the credits to roll a n d the theme music to swell as gradually it d a w n s on y o u that there is m o r e to c o m e . Still, the e x t r a bit is w o r t h the readjustment as Spielberg tightens the s c r e w another t u r n , a n d drains y o u of y o u r last d r o p of e m o t i o n . B y no means a great film, but a piece of pure entertainment w h i c h I'm sure will d r a g e v e n the diehards k i c k i n g a n d s c r e a m i n g f r o m their T V a n d easy chair into the c o l d winter evenings. Lee

Paddon

H e p i o n e e r e d t h e t e c h n i q u e of p a s s i v e r e s i s t a n c e a n d p r o b a b l y u s e d it m o r e effectively t h a n any m a n since, due to his u n r e s e r v e d c o n d e m n a t i o n of violent acts o n his behalf. H e p r o v e d that all C h r i s t i a n tyrants have a weak spot. T h e y must prove they have m o r a l as c e n dan cy over the ' p a c k of savages'

FELIXI

I D e c e m b e r 14, 1 9 8 2

Page

ISPORTI Q Sailing After a somewhat colourful party the night before, a n d a l o n g e x c u r s i o n t h r o u g h the streets o f R e a d i n g l o o k i n g for the river T h a m e s , the t e a m , in high spirits a n d a clear state o f m i n d , finally man age d to locate Reading University Sailing C l u b . E v e n m o r e p r o b l e m s were e n c o u n t e r e d by the I m p e r i a l team when t r y i n g to determine the w i n d d i r e c t i o n at the start o f the first race, leaving R e a d i n g to m a k e a fine start a n d keep First a n d S e c o n d places until the final m a r k . A t this p o i n t , the s u p e r i o r s k i l l s of the I m p e r i a l t e a m mastered the w i n d f l o w a r o u n d the t w o gasometers o n the river bank a n d they s t o r m e d past to tak e the race, f i n i s h i n g f i r s t , third and fourth. W i t h cries o f " M y extension has fallen o f f " d u r i n g the second leg o f the f i n a l race, D a v e made a d y n a m i c dash for the bank to try a n d get s o m e o n e to help h i m fix it. U n f o r t u n a t e l y the R e a d i n g ladies were not too sympathetic a n d left D a v e to his o w n devices (and a s c r e w d r i v e r ) . T h i s left Peter a n d G r a h a m w i t h o u t a team mate for the rest o f the race. Peter made gallant efforts to try a n d s l o w the R e a d i n g boats while G r a h a m decided that the gasometers were really too m u c h to h a n d l e a n d waited o n the river b a n k to j o i n in again o n the second l a p . U n f o r t u n a t e l y R e a d i n g , still being harrassed by Peter " a l l of t h e m o v e r t o o k m e " H o w a r t h noticed that G r a h a m h a d a c t u a l l y sailed one lap less than they h a d , a n d left I m p e r i a l to concede the m a t c h .

Squash lsts

UCX

3rds

27,

St M H 2 n d s

lsts

4ths

2nds

5ths

ChXH2nds

2'/

O v e r a l l , a n o t h e r satisfactory set o f results, w i t h more opponents c r u m b l i n g beneath the might o f the F i r s t s . W h a t w o u l d have been the F i r s t s last m a t c h o f the t e r m vs St G H lsts has been c a n c e l l e d , the o p p o s i t i o n h a v i n g w i t h d r a w n their side f r o m D i v i s i o n 1 (before it was too late); o u r r e p u t a t i o n continues to g r o w by the h o u r . O n the n o t i c e b o a r d are posted details o f S q u a s h C l u b jerseys, w h i c h w i l l be o r d e r e d d u r i n g next week. H e r e also c a n be f o u n d latest details o f S q u a s h C l u b ' s g r a n d t o u r to G e r m a n y

d u r i n g the Easter V a c . T h i s t o u r will go ahead but numbers need to be d e t e r m i n e d now to p l a n fixtures a n d finances, ie please decide if y o u ' r e interested as s o o n as p o s s i b l e .

Ten Pin Bowling Last S a t u r d a y , the masses set off for P o r t s m o u t h to do battle with the l o c a l p o l y t e c h n i c . A g a i n , the p o p u l a r i t y o f local pubs a n d f i s h ' n ' c h i p shops proved too m u c h for some people, as a little l u b r i c a t i o n was sought before the game. H o w e v e r , as things got g o i n g , it was o b v i o u s that, as u s u a l , the A team w o u l d o v e r c o m e the o p p o s i t i o n t h a n k s to 500+ series by M i c h a e l a n d A n d y h o l d i n g their end up w i t h a 502 series but • e v e r y b o d y else b o w l i n g below average. In the C t e a m , they were trunced w i t h o n ly M a r k 'Wonderboy'Stanley bowling better than usual and C h r i s W e l l s ( C l u b C a p t a i n , contact v i a C h e m E n g letter-racks!) p u t t i n g in a reasonable score. A s u s u a l , we c o u l d n ' t raise a full ladies' team so, i f there are any ladies out there w h o have W e d n e s d a y afternoons free, come to a f u n p a c k e d b o w l i n g session, c o m plete w i t h novelty, prizes a n d thrills.

I C V B C F i r s t s . A d d to this the fact that W i m b l e d o n Y M C A was mercilessly g r o u n d to dust t w o S a t u r d a y s ago, a n d there y o u have the most i m p r o b a b l e set of events since b o t h S y l v a n a a n d I passed o u r finals last year. ( W h e n I were a lad...) Statistical theory dictates that one of these days we're g o i n g to get the great g r a n d a d d y of a l l thrashings, I suppose.

^Badminton A very close k n o c k o u t cup m a t c h was p l a y e d o n S a t u r d a y . IC only came out eventual winners due to their c o n s u m i n g

Volleyball F i r s t the g o o d news: since I last set pen to paper i n t h i s , the intellectuals' ' S p o r t i n g L i f e ' , I C V o l l e y b a l l C l u b h as r i s e n t o d i z z y heights, a n d we are a l l o n the b r i n k o f a c o m m u n a l v e r t i g o epidemic (no, no herpes is a n entirely different disease!). O v e r the last few weeks G o l d s m i t h s College, Central L o n d o n Poly a n d H a t f i e l d P o l y have c r u m b l e d before the i n v i n c i b l e stalwarts of

So the team marches t o w a r d s i m m o r t a l i t y , s p u r r e d on by the t h o u g h t o f J a f f a cakes at the end o f the r a i n b o w .

ACC D o n ' t forget the C h r i s t m a s A C C meeting. Father Christmas w o n ' t be present but Ian w i l l be d o i n g his best R u d o l p h i m p r e s s i o n . V e n u e is l o w e r refectory a n d time is 1830h T O N I G H T .

' Why on earth are you running around when there's champagne here to drink?'

Judo T w a s b r i l l i g a n d the slithy tove d i d gyre a n d gymble in the wabe... W h i c h is as g o o d a way to start as an y. B u t to business: it was the d a r k a n d s t o r m y night of T u e s d a y N o v e m b e r 30, when about ten members o f L H M C J u d o C l u b a r r i v e d at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e to d o battle for the shiny t r o p h y i n the U n i o n O f f i c e . U n d a u n t e d by the f e a r s o m e o p p o s i t i o n , the I C team set u p o n t h e m a n d pasted them a l l over . the mat, l e a v i n g a nice j o b for the c l e a n i n g l a d i e s i n the morning...To summarise I C won 5-0.

more Jaffa cakes per person a n d in a d d i t i o n — m i n i swiss roles!! A n y w a y , a b o u t the m a t c h . We won, everyone played w e l l , no-one p l a y e d b a d l y a n d everyone was very h a p p y .

Football FELIX

Score

Two T h e F E L I X staff s h o w e d what an a d a p t a b l e lot they are o n S u n d a y i n H y d e P a r k , t a k i n g to f o o t b a l l like a d u c k to orange sauce. F r o m the m o m e n t the first whistle blew F E L I X made an incisive break w i t h a r u n d o w n the centre a n d a g o a l by Peter R o d g e r s . S o 1-0 u p after t h i r t y seconds. E n t s were o b v i o u s l y baffled by the f o r m F E L I X were p r o d u c i n g a n d they t o o k time to settle d o w n . N o t content o n a 1-0 a d v a n tage F E L I X p u s h e d f o r w a r d relentlessly—at times leaving their defence exposed Steve G o u l d e r p r o v e d what a g o o d d i p l o m a t he is b y not c o m m i t t i n g h i m s e l f at a l l . H o w e v e r , even with this defensive p r o b l e m . F E L I X went i n t o h a l f - t i m e w i t h two goals to their credit.

new d e t e r m i n a t i o n . T h i n g s d i d n ' t go quite as w e l l i n the second h a l f w h e n a game o f c o n t a i n m e n t w a s seen t o be played. Ents played hard and one o f F E L I X ' s v a l u a b l e defenders, P a l l a b , was ' n o b b l e d ' by the E n t s desperate attackers. F E L I X , were o b v i o u s l y getting tired a n d i n the last few minutes they t h r e w a l l they h a d i n t o defence a n d s o m e h o w s u r v i v e d relatively unscathed to reflect o n missed o p p o r t u n i t i e s a n d m i s takes made. T o s u m up then. A g o o d , closely fought game w i t h perhaps E n t s ' being the better t e a m , but o n the d a y it was F E L I X ' s t w o goals that c o u n t e d . Perhaps F E L I X were just l a c k i n g the extra ' m a g i c ' that their absent 'number one' could provide.

R e c h a r g e d b y the h a l f - t i m e champagne and team talk, F E L I X t o o k to the field w i t h a

Page 2 2 H M H H H 1 • • H B H H H H H December 14, 19821

I FELIX

ISPORT

Rugby Firsts I C vs Esher 2nd X V 4-15 Unperturbed at playing in front of a 1,000 seater stand occupied by o n l y five p e o p l e a n d a n airedale terrier I C started strongly, the pack playing well against a m u c h heavier a n d (almost) uglier set of forwards. They soon took the lead when the centre Davies uncharacteristically scored an opportunist interception try racing upfield very much in the style made famous this year by Phil Verity. This temporary aberration was however soon rectified when the same player presented the opposition with a gift try with a wild pass of his own. IC came back strongly but never realistically looked like scoring again and in the second half Esher increased their lead with a second goal and a penalty goal. Despite a brief flourish at the end when the opposition became d a z z l e d by the g l a r e o f the floodlights b o u n c i n g o f f the balding heads of a few members of the IC side, IC never threatened Esher's lead and went down to another defeat by a club side.

marks in a sociologist's rear end. T o their credit the quarter backs did disguise an abject lack of talent with unstinting effort and were partially redeemed by Steve P h i l l i p s s c o r i n g the winning try. After feeling the chill wind up his shorts more than usual Pete H a r d e e d i s c o v e r e d that h i s jockstrap had been taken by Steve w h o then r e c e i v e d a Ralgex massage in this nether regions.

Seconds I C vs Esher 4th X V 22-14 After a devastating first line out where o u r s m a l l m i n g y f o r wards won good ball against the 6ft 3ins p l u s fatties o f the opposition the ball was open to our superstar fullback, Symes, wh o went t h r o u g h to s c o r e u n d e r t h e p o s t s . T h i s was successfully converted by our captain, Ricky " I don't want anymore 6 X " Winsor. The speed of our forwards won good ball against the stronger opposition and resulted in three more tries t w o o f w h i c h were s l o t t e d between the posts. Our wonderful supporter, ' B i g ' Les, tried jumping up and down to keep warm and this was the cause of M a r k S i m m o n d s ' t r y as the tremors caused the ball to jump into his hands as he was diving into the corner. Symes scored his second try and the other was

Team: A / Thompson, O Miles, A Davies, P Barker, R Flynn, P Clarke, S Johns, C De Rohan, H Bell, J Whittle, P Verity, A Ralph, J Davies, D McGee, W King. I C vs L S E 25-15

by (somebody, but the author can't remember who).

L S E l s t s , unbeaten by a London college all season, were well trounced by an enormously well organised and coordinated IC side. The forwards carried the side t h r o u g h as usual with large amounts of well won possession being predictably wasted by an uninspired set of backs! In the first half a good, solid performance looked likely to lead to a big score: n u m e r o u s easily bruised economists were unable to w i t h s t a n d t h e c o n s t a n t pressure imposed by our pack. By half time, though, a displeased captain saw no points advantage gained and, anticipating another d i s a p p o i n t i n g result gave a rousing team talk which inspired the side to great things.

M r Wood's pistol competition, held on Wednesday December 1, was p r e d i c t a b l y w o n by M r W o o d , after the application o f an u n u s u a l h a n d i c a p p i n g system. The system worked by decreasing everyones scores to zero, then adding a multiple of the number o f letters in one's name. Neill seemed to base his shooting position on a constipated, pregnant, giraffe to match the trophy he awarded himself. Luckily he did not have it all his own way, narrowly c o m i n g out o n t o p after experiencing stiff opposition from Miss Julia Avery.

M u c h ball was won through aggressive, if not unorthodox ruckingâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; some blond haired p l a n n e r , i m p r i n t i n g his teeth

F E L I X B H H H H I

Rifle & Pistol

The club dinner was held o n F r i d a y D e c e m b e r 3, S t e v e panicking at the last moment due to a h i t c h w i t h t h e d i n i n g arrangements. After approaching several possible venues he was p r o p o s i t i o n e d by ' l e s garcons' in the Cafe Incognito,

H H M H M B H M i December

Neil Wood (left), awarding himself the pistol trophy with the help of Steve Harrison. but d e c l i n e d t h e i r g e n e r o u s offer, deferring i f until a mutually agreed date. In the end we wandered merrily down to the Rembrant Carvery, having been retarded by J o n a t h a n ' s u n d i s c l o s e d business (?!?). E v e r y o n e was t o t a l l y o v e r w h e l m e d by the s t u n n i n g l y attractive J u l i a , juxtaposed a d m i r a b l y by P a u l i n e ' s legs. Meanwhile Gary was stunned into silence by K a r e n ' s c o o l s o p h i s t i c a t i o n , the Professor c o m p e n s a t i n g with lecherous grins. F o l l o w i n g in Denis's footsteps, Steve burbled a speech of g a r g a n t u a n p r o p o r t i o n s , c u l m i n a t i n g in an anecdote concerning a woman's legs and a chihuahua's, obviously appeali n g to a m i n o r i t y a u d i e n c e .

Football

O n c e again we began o u r operation without a recognised hit man and a lightweight up front duo. O u r four schemers found it difficult therefore to create clear openings and our r e a r g u a r d were often u n d e r pressure, however, just before the end of phase one; Rimmer got one. If only phase two, the retreat, had gone as it should, but also we were caught out and in the e n d r e t i r e d m i s e r a b l y shaken to drown our sorrows. Back at our bleak H Q in SW7, we split up, each one disappearing into the L o n d o n night but all knowing that sooner or later Big Bad John would summon us to his aid once again and that none of us dare not heed that call. T h e B o y s : Hardy, Berns, Burns, Wilkinson, Haberlin, Dhillon, Buckley, Rrmmer, Hardy, Saunders, Coussens.

Seconds I C vs Q M C II 1-1 I awoke to find clothes strewn on the floor and the taste of stale beer in my mouth. Inside my head someone was digging-up a road. M y memory returned slowly. He summons from ' B i g Bad J o h n ' and his confirming it as ' o n ' . T h e meeting i n that bleak room in S W 7 and the journey to that place near the airport where we always went at times like these. We h a d a l l felt g o o d , the rehearsal a week earlier h a d gone off without a hitch, yet, in the b a c k o f o u r m i n d s , the nagging feeling that this would be different. A t the appointed time we took up our positions and waited for the signal from the 'man in black'.

14,

Firsts IC vs K C H 7-0

A Blow by Blow Account Smash (penalty) Wollop (penalty) Pow Trickle (Reeve special) Half Time Kerplunk Bonk Bonk (Header) Splat Full Time Slurp, slurp

zzzzzzz As for the defence; tighter than Andy's wallet whenever Refunds are mentioned.

I Page 2 3

C h o m p e r s , 2 E x h i b i t i o n R o a d , S W 7 , 5898947. O n your way to the Hungry Fisherman you may have noted an ornate building on the left hand side of Exhibition Road, boldly labelled Chompers. Ensconced behind the steamed up windows, instead of the trendy dentist that the name might have led you to expect, there is a delightfully eccentric bistro. The walls are crammed with 19th Century theatre bills and advertisements. O n e wall is devoted to photographs of Victorian nudes; another is dominated by the front half of an enormous stuffed cat. The eating area is small, packed out with tables and usually with people too. T h e m e n u , a l t h o u g h fairly s h o r t , has a number of interesting and reasonably priced offerings. F o r s t a r t e r s , c r e a m e d T u n a F i s h with Almonds at 95p and spare ribs at the same price were the most interesting option and

proved to be a good choice. For 45p the garlic bread is excellent. A s long as you steer clear of the steaks at just under a fiver a go the main dishes are of the affordable variety (although I was sorely tempted by the fillet steak with stilton and garlic butter at £4.95). Trout in Almonds at £2.65 and Fillet of Plaice with prawn sauce at £2.50 were reasonable enough. T h e portions are adequate rather than generous. C h i c k e n curry at £1.95 sounds as if it might be worth trying.

O n t o puddings, maple a n d walnut ice cream with

nuts

and cream

Thursday

1230h S o u t h s i d e U p p e r L o u n g e Board Sailing Club m e e t i n g

Carol Service with W i n d B a n d and D r a m a G r o u p .

Beit Arch

1245h

Union Upper Lounge CND Speaker Meeting with Z o e Saunders reporting o n the Greenham C o m m o n Peace C a m p (if she's not arrested). 1300h T V L o u n g e s STOIC p r o g r a m m e

1300h

Zoo trip o r g a n i s e d by B a d g e S o c . S t a r e at S t e p h e n G o u l d e r t h r o u g h h is office w i n d o w . Botany Basement LT

Natural History Society X m a s E x t r a v a g a n z a ! F i l m : O c e a n Life, with f o o d a n d drink, p l u s u n i q u e a n d varied e x h i b i t s . Mech Eng 220

Guilds UGM with p u b l i c i t y officer e l e c t i o n a n d i n t r o d u c t i o n of n e w scarf.

1300h

"*S

1730h B r o w n C o m m i t t e e R o o m Amnesty International m e e t i n g

loUUn

Quiet Room Sherfield Building

Grand Chanukah Party A l l welcome. 1800h U n i o n S C R Wine Tasting Society meeting 1830h J C R Silver Medal Dancing Class

1300h T V L o u n g e s STOIC p r o g r a m m e

1830h

T n

eatre

Sherfield Building In or Out? Britain and the EEC Part 3 'Britain a n d the C o m m o n A g r i c u l t u r a l P o l i c y ' by N i c k Morris.

Union Lower Refectory

ACC G e n e r a l meeting to d i s c u s s the m o v e t o S o u t h s i d e .

1830h

2000h

Common

Room

Soc Soc Party A d m i s s i o n 2 5 p and a bottle.

1800h T V L o u n g e s STOIC p r o g r a m m e

Hot Plasma Electron Cyclotron Radiation a talk to M O P S O C by D r W H C l a r k of C u l h a m .

-iOOnu lOOUn

Mech Eng Concourse

1300h

1245h C h e m i s t r y 231 Catholic Mass

1300h

wasn't

1930h J C R Beginners' Dancing Class

Today

1300h

at £1.25

particularly g o o d v a l u e and the cherry pie with coffee (sic) i c e c r e a m at 95p was unexciting, the other puddings, all for less than £1 or so might have b e e n a better bet. After recovering from the first sip, the rest of the white house wine at £3.45 washes down quite agreeably. The bill for two including wine and service charge came to £16. O n the whole, money well spent.

Carol Singing in the West E n d

Music Room 53 Princes Gate

Lunch-hour Concert with t h e C a s s Horn Trio. 1800h T V L o u n g e s STOIC p r o g r a m m e

1830h

I430h U n i o n U p p e r L o u n g e Drama Workshop

Mech Eng 220

Ents film: Arthur

Union Bar

1930h

Union D i n i n g Hall

Guilds Bar Night

Vegsoc Party B r i n g s o m e vegetarian food. Office

lOOUll

1300h U n i o n S C R Wargames Club m e e t i n g W e d n e s d a y 1300h 1300h H u x l e y 341 Prayer and Praise A n S C F meeting.

loOOh

The Ascent of Man Part N i n e 'The Ladder of C r e a t i o n '

Wednesday

. _ _ _ ,

Ha1!

1330h

2230h F a l m o u t h K i t c h e n s Soup Run

A A I \ / M .

2UUUn

1830h J C R Bronze Medal Dancing Class

Union

c o n c e r t Hall

Party a d m i s s i o n £1.50

n . Board, and printed by the Union Print Unit. Prince Consort Road. FEUX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publications Internal 2881. Ediior: Martin S Taylor; Business Manager: Peter A Rodgers, A d v e r t i s i n g M a n a r . N.ck Thexton. Copynght r t l i A

Tel. 01-589 5111 Ext 1048 or

3 e

Instructions 1. Get Mummy and Daddy to cut out the Lindley-Dolly and all the clothes. You may do it yourself if you are very careful and use round-ended scissors. 2. Draw round Captain Lindley on a piece of stiff card and stick him down firmly; be careful to match up all the little curly bits. 3. If you want you can make him stand up by not cutting out anything between his legs and slotting a piece of cardboard in the right place. 4. Now dress him up. Fold all the tabs over carefully or the Captain's clothes might fall off!