/1981_0588_A by Ravi Pall

Founded i n 1949

No. 588

The Newspaper of Imperial College Union

Friday June 19,1981

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir I must apologise to J M u r p h y a n d a n y b o d y else too s t u p i d to see t h r o u g h m y 'slip ol the p e n ' in d e s c r i b i n g the arms i n d u s t r y as ' l a b o u r i n t e n s i v e ' i n t h e last C N D c o l u m n . It is of course capital-intensive, and equivalent investment i n m a n y other i n d u s tries such as h o u s i n g a n d energy c o n s e r v a t i o n creates far more jobs. H e n c e the c o n n e c t i o n between the arms race a n d unemployment. M u r p h y brings out the tired o l d chestnut a n d accuses I C C N D of b e i n g c o m m u n i s t s . W e ' r e s u p p o r t e d by p e o p l e r a n g i n g f r o m t h e left to t h e centre, i n c l u d i n g I C C a t h o l i c C h a p l a i n c y , a n d we a d o p t neither a p r o - S o v i e t n o r p r o N A T O stance. O n a n a t i o n a l scale the entire Q u a k e r m o v e ment is in C N D â&#x20AC;&#x201D; h a r d l y c o m munists. T o accuse us of b e i n g c o m m u n i s t s is as s t u p i d a n d irrelevant as if I were to accuse the vociferous right in the C o l l e g e of being n e o - N a z i s or associated w i t h the N a t i o n a l F r o n t ; a suggestion f r o m w h i c h I ' m sure they w o u l d recoil in horror. B e a r i n g in m i n d the above. M u r p h y ' s i m p l i c a t i o n that we are i n t e l l e c t u a l l y h a n d i c a p p e d is a joke. I have yet to see any a n t i C N D w r i t e r b a c k his or her a r g u m e n t s w i t h r e f e r e n c e s to a n y t h i n g concrete (our leaflets always c o n t a i n references); the s t a n d a r d t e c h n i q u e of M u r p h y a n d B e n i t a C o r t a z z i is personal insult a n d libellous accusation. So whose is the i n t e l l e c t u a l handicap? Yours Ian Heavens B A (Hons) ( C a n t a b ) Physics P G IC C N D Group

is p e c u l i a r to the U l s t e r L o y a l i s t species. M r Boucher's statement " t h a t L o y a l i s t p a r a m i l i t a r i e s have only d e v e l o p e d i n r e s p o n s e to the Government's non-committed actions in N I r e l a n d , " is untrue. T h e British G o v e r n m e n t began direct rule in 1972 a n d the U V F were m u r d e r i n g innocent C a t h o lics in 1966, eg G u s t y Spence, leader of the U V F , is at present s e r v i n g a t i l e s e n t e n c e Ib r m u r d e r i n g a C a t h o l i c in 1966. F u r t h e r m o r e , has M r B o u c h e r never heard of the ' B ' specials, a slate c o n t r o l l e d p a r a m i l i t a r y organisation d i s b a n d e d by the If b e i n g i n s u l t i n g is the only British G o v e r n m e n t embarrassed way to get into F E L I X then I t h i n k you're a sod. by their m u r d e r o u s activities? M i B o u c h e r s ignorance of the 1 ou rs h ig/ieadedlr situation is further e x e m p l i f i e d Number 3 by the s t a t e m e n t t h a t " t h e s e Dear Sir Loyalists arc not well a r m e d " . T o d a y the British G o v e r n m e n t is T h e Loyalists o w n the vast b u l k of the 104.000 l e g a l l y h e l d r e a p i n g the rewards of a policy of c o n t i n u a l l y b a c k i n g up the firearms certificates in N I r e l a n d , Loyalist people in I r e l a n d . a n d have a lotal m o n o p o l y on T h r o u g h o u t the centuries the rifle .clubs. In 1974 the I D A Loyalists have b a d their way. boasted of h a v i n g 50.000 m e n . W h e n e v e r they d e m a n d e d a n y T h e U D R c u r r e n t l y have 7.000 t h i n g they got it, eg w h e n they full a n d p a r t - t i m e members, the R U C h a v e 8 . 0 0 0 , the B r i t i s h w a n t e d to d i v i d e I r e l a n d they Were b a c k e d by the B r i t i s h A r m y h a v e 1 1.600. not l o G o v e r n m e n t , or whenever they m e n t i o n the U F F , the U Y F . the d i d not agree to p o w e r - s h a r i n g O r a n g e V o l u n t e e r s , the R e d w i t h the C a t h o l i c m i n o r i t y , they Hand Commandoes and M r opposed it a n d h a d their way. Paisley's (whom M r Boucher refers to as a moderate ) private B r i t a i n , w i t h this policy has succeeded in c r e a t i n g one of the a r m y , r e c e n t l y r e v e a l e d to Dear Sir journalists on a m o u n t a i n top. most reactionary' a n d bigoted I s h o u l d like to say that whatever H o w can anyone with any groups of people in the w o r l d ; the everybody else thinks, I for one L o y a l i s t s of N I r e l a n d i n a i n t e l l i g e n c e c l a i m that the a c t u a l l y enjoyed r e a d i n g F E L I X s p e c t r u m of racism a n d bigotry Loyalists are not w e l l - a r m e d ? this year. In a C o l l e g e where w o u l d be classified w i t h other M r B o u c h e r states that the n o t h i n g e v e r h a p p e n s it is racists a n d fascists such as the K u w o r l d m e d i a are c o n s t a n t l y o b v i o u s l y d i f f i c u l t to r u n a ' K l u x K l a n or N a z i s . (For further " g e t t i n g it w r o n g " . H a s it ever newspaper and personally I r e a d i n g on this aspect read The o c c u r r e d to M r B o u c h e r that w o u l d m u c h rather read about Proles/ants of I Isler by Geolfrey p e r h a p s t h e y a r e " g e t t i n g it B o b Pegg selling out t h a n b o r i n g B e l l , a l i b e r a l Protestant from N r i g h t " a n d that bis views are not rubbish about b o r i n g U n i o n I r e l a n d . T h i s book analyses the supported a n y w h e r e but in N allairs. I have also observed that L o y a l i s t m e n t a l i t y a n d is a must I r e l a n d a n d B r i t a i n ? T h i s is a the p r i n c i p a l a c t i v i t y of I C for anyone t r y i n g to u n d e r s t a n d classic s y m p t o m of the L o y a l i s t students (apart from d r i n k i n g ) the N I r e l a n d situtation.) m e n t a l i t y , disbelief in any seems to be m a k i n g groundless In the early part of this century derogatory c o m m e n t about their insults about each other. It w o u l d the L o y a l i s t s were h a n d e d the " w e e U l s t e r " , from the w o r l d t h e r e f o r e seem l o g i c a l for a reins of g o v e r n m e n t of the press. representative newspaper to do a r t i f i c i a l l y c r e a t e d state o f N F i n a l l y M r B o u c h e r ' s statethe same e s p e c i a l l y since the Ireland. T h i s state was c h a r a c ment " t h a t most p a r a m i l i t a r i e s ' letters pages are filled, week-in terized by O r a n g e P o g r o m s , state actions are against R e p u b l i c a n week-out, w i t h v e r b a l attacks on violence a n d massive d i s c r i m i n a s y m p a t h i e s " w o u l d be l a u g h a b l e t h e e d i t o r . (It s t r i k e s m e , tion against the m i n o r i t y c o m if the s i t u a t i o n was not so serious. i n c i d e n t a l l y , that such letters m u n i t y , not to m e n t i o n rule by A s a v i c i m of, a n d witness to w o u l d never be p r i n t e d in any the same p a r l y for fifty years. O r a n g e ogroms a n d assassination other newspaper.) H o w m a n y ol T h e tone of repression in N attempts in the early 1970s in N these critics oiler to w r i t e articles I r e l a n d m a y be guaged from the I r e l a n d , let me a s s u r e M r themselves? O r better still, go out fact that M r V o r s t e r e , the S o u t h B o u c h e r that the o n l y q u a l i f i c a a n d do s o m e t h i n g n e w s w o r t h y. A A f r i c a n minister lor justice t i o n n e c e s s a r y for m u r d e r by spectacular suicide w o u l d m a k e a w i s h e d i n 1963 for " j u s t o n e Loyalist paramilitaries in N good story, a n d I c a n t h i n k of clause in the N I r e l a n d S p e c i a l I r e l a n d is the misfortune to have several people who w o u l d benefit Powers A c t " i n exchange for a l l been b o r n a C a t h o l i c . ( F o r a n from d o i n g just that. F i n a l l y , his o w n coercive legislation. analysis of m o t i v a t i o n of m u r d e r s since so m a n y people have taken in N I r e l a n d read Political Murder It was no suprise to read the a stand against y o u r c o m m e n t s in V Ireland, a book p u b l i s h e d i n contents of M r Boucher's letter in about V i c t o r M o o n e y . a l l I c a n the early 1970s.) last week's F E L I X . M r Boucher's say is: if G o d h a d i n t e n d e d us to letter' c o n t a i n s that c u r i o u s If M r B o u c h e r insists on eat M o o n e y s , he w o u l d not have m i x t u r e of u n t r u t h s , distortins of w r i t i n g letters let's hope he gets given us tastebuds. reality, paranoia concerning his facts right next time. u n f a v o u r a b l e o p i n i o n of their It is obvious to everyone i n the } ours " w e e U l s t e r " a n d t u n n e l vision w o r l d except the B r i t i s h G o v e r n E d g a r S h a v e It (anag) w i t h respect to R e p u b l i c a n s , that Physics a b a n d o n e d Conlinued on page 4. Dear Sir W e were very surprised to see t h a t y o u d o n ' t t h i n k we a r e b o r i n g , it's so nice to k n o w . W e do not agree however, wc t h i n k that the students are very b o r i n g , a n d t h a t F E L I X is t o o . T h e standards are so low these days. The letter from Messrs H a y w a r d a n d H o l l i e is a p r i m e e x a m p l e . It is meaningless p i l l l c , it ,ays n o t h i n g . W e do not consider that this sort of p u r i l e r u b b i s h ( w h i c h was late a n y w a y ) is the sort of t h i n g w h i c h s h o u l d be p u b l i s h e d in a p a p e r w h i c h s u p p o s e d l y caters for a selection of the most intelligent people in the c o u n t r y . So m u c h for a n active letters page. It is a l s o o u r o p i n i o n t h a t F E L I X relies on too m a n y overw o r k e d cliches. T h e 'jokes' are always the same. T h e C a p t a i n L i n d l e y joke is a case in point: we asked h i m how many times F E L I X h a d used this joke, a n d he said " I don't k n o w , I don't stand a n d count ' e m , a n d it's not u p to me to count t h e m e i t h e r . " Q E D . C a n we have a n interesti n g F E L I X please? W e do h o p e that y o u are k e e pi n g well, a n d that y o u enjoy your holiday. Yours sincerely J o h n Hollie , Zoo 2 D a v i d H a v w a r d , Biochem 2

Dear Mr Marshall I believe y o u r friend calls you Steve, at the end of M a y a group of b o r i n g students in the m i d d l e of e q u a l l y b o r i n g exams went to Chiswick Amateur Regatta and w o n not just one race but in a staid u n e x c i t i n g fashion w o n the c o m p e t i t i o n by b l a s t i n g the opposition by more t h a n two boat lengths in every race. A m a z e d by their o w n m e d i o c r i t y the I C X o v i c e F o u r s u b m i t t e d a suitably r i d i c u l o u s article w h i c h , despite the fact that I d i d not w r i t e i t , you c o n s i d e r e d too b o r i n g lor p r i n t .

Seats

Sabbaticals

Women in Hall:

Pinched

Fined

the Final Word

O V E R T H E P A S T four months, sixty-live chairs have disappeared from the U n i o n L o w e r Refectory. It is suspected that some have been distributed a r o u n d the U n i o n , but the m a i n line of t h i n k i n g seems to be that Beit residents have nicked them. H o w e v e r , w h e n F E L I X asked a Beit resident about this a l l e g a t i o n , he t o l d us t h a t t h e r e w a s n ' t e n o u g h r o o m in a Beit r o o m lor extra f u r n i t u r e , a n d that there were t w o chairs a l r e a d y . M r Reeves ( C h i e f Security Officer) w o u l d appreciate it i f the chairs c o u l d be returned as soon as possible, otherwise a search w i l l have to be c a r r i e d out.

Small Ads •Hack of the Year—Stephen

Goulder.

•Foldable bicycle, nearly new, V G C , £45. Contact Miss J Newton-Mowes, M a t S c i P G , int 2425 . •Yamaha RD 250, fast a n d r e l i a b l e , £ 3 8 0 o n o , q u i c k sale. B r u c e 794-4760.

•Ladies Claud Butler 5-sod bicvcle. Huret G e a r s , a s new (8mths old), £90. P h o n e int 3 6 5 5 o r 2048.

•10 cubic ft Bosch chest freezer in e x c e l l e n t c o n d i t i o n , £ 1 0 0 . P h o n e int 3331 o r 1316 d a y - t i m e o r 589-4332 after 6 p m a n d weekends. •Selmer 50w Combo Amp £ 7 5 o n o . C o n t a c t J G r i f f i n , R m 123 M e c h E n g o r int 3 5 5 6 .

•How about Broadstairs, Kent for a low cost self-catering h o l i d a y with friends? Victorian h o u s e , s l e e p s u p to 10, f u l l y e q u i p p e d . N e a r c h a l k cliffs a n d s a n d y b e a c h e s , g o o d for s w i m ming, canoeing, walking and fossilh u n t i n g ! P l u s great local fish a n d c h i p s h o p (37p f o r c o d a n d c h i p s , M a y '81). A v a i l a b l e m i d - J u l y a n d all S e p t e m b e r . M o r e d e t a i l s f r o m S u e , int 2 8 9 8 o r e v e s 650 4679.

•English for overseas students, private tuition, one-to-one, small groups, experienced teacher. Telephone Lester 352-1414. • A box of records/tapes w e n t m i s s i n g f r o m t h e I C R a d i o O f f i c e in S o u t h s i d e in t h e first w e e k o f t e r m o f J u n e . T h e tapes were my own personal property and c o n t a i n e d material w h i c h is i r r e p l a c e a b l e . T h e i n t r i n s i c v a l u e of t h e r e c o r d s / t a p e s is v e r y s m a l l a n d I w o u l d b e grateful for a n y information l e a d i n g to t h e i r r e t u r n . D M Fuller, IC Radio

Station

Manager.

•A-Registration redhead horn-playing rabbit Wednesday evenings.

seeks male to play o n

• T o whom i t may concern: T h e o c c u p a n t s o f flat 14 w i s h it t o b e k n o w n that a s o f t h e 19th d a y of J u n e Y e a r o f o u r L o r d M C M L X X X I , they will h e n c e f o r t h b e i n r e s i d e n c e at t h e i r respective c o u n t r y retreats in t h e A e g e a n , the H i g h l a n d s , the West C o u n t r y , the land of the B r i g a n t e s , the Harz Mountains and Knotty Ash. Persons attempting to partake of a f t e r n o o n t e a at t h e a f o r e m e n t i o n e d a b o d e , s u b s e q u e n t to this t e m p o r a l p o i n t , a r e w a r n e d that t h e y m a y c o m e into c l o s e proximity with a g i m b a l jawed logomaniac. Given under our h a n d s : the G o n a d s . •Mike R (Geol Staff) B e e n s u r p r i s e d lately? M o r e in s t o r e ? S i g n e d : T h e G a n g . P SS h a m e about your Kodak film.

•VOTE HEXHAM,

for c h i e f r o c k e n d s .

T h e R e c t o r has recently received a petition from a n u m b e r of students T w o o f next year's potential a r g u i n g that the proposals agreed b y the Students Residence s a b b a t i c a l officers have been C o m m i t t e e c o n c e r n i n g the r e d i s t r i b u t i o n o f w o m e n ' s places in H a l l s d i s c i p l i n e d b y C o l l e g e l o r their are c o n t r a r y to the best interests o f w o m e n at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e . part i n a recent mascotry r a i d . A f t e r consultation w i t h the S R C the Rector is satisfied that the w e l l M r Barney M c C a b e , Deputy being o f w o m e n students has been carefully considered. T h e changes M r Marco President-elect, proposed for next session s i m p l y represent the next step i n the p o l i c y Ledwold, Honorary Secretaryw h i c h has been evolved over m a n y years to increase the n u m b e r o f e l e c t a n d f o u r o t h e r s ( o n e o f m i x e d residences i n the C o l l e g e a n d to increase the n u m b e r of places w h o m has a c r i m i n a l r e c o r d lor for w o m e n as their o v e r a l l n u m b e r s increase, this year i n c l u d i n g the theft) were each fined £ 2 5 i n p r o v i s i o n o f a n a d d i t i o n a l sixteen places in H a l l for w o m e n students. c o n n e c t i o n w i t h a n attempt to T h e a c h i e v e m e n t of a satisfactory b a l a n c e is difficult a n d w i l l r e m a i n enter the M i n e s B u i l d i n g i n M a y . so u n t i l there is a substantial increase i n the n u m b e r of w o m e n students T h e r a i d went b a d l y w r o n g , the o v e r a l l , but it has always been seen that there must be a reasonable mascot was not there, a n d early percentage representation o f w o m e n i n any m i x e d h a l l . N e w m i x e d on in the r a i d , one m e m b e r of the halls have been i n t r o d u c e d , i n the past a n d as proposed now, b y first t e a m fell a n d was k n o c k e d increasing the n u m b e r of places allocated to w o m e n in existing m i x e d unconscious, rendering him halls a n d then transferring a block o f these places to an a l l - m a l e h a l l . incapable of taking his final T h e proposals n o w m a d e w i l l result i n the f o l l o w i n g changes: exams. Despite this setback, the B E I T H A L L : Decrease i n w o m e n ' s places from 4 6 to 28 a n d a n rest o f the g r o u p c a r r i e d o n . equivalent increase of 18 places for m e n . S E L K I R K H A L L : Decrease i n w o m e n ' s places from 30 to 24 a n d an equivalent increase o f 6 places for m e n . •Genuine French Nightclub open daily. F o r d e t a i l s , p h o t o s , f r e e s a m p l e s , T I Z A R D H A L L : T o b e c o m e m i x e d w i t h 24 w o m e n ' s places a n d 96 e t c , s e e N i c k C o x , F a l m o u t h 324. men's places. •Bollards. S e e I M o r r i s C h e m 1. W E E K S H A L L : T o become m i x e d w i t h 16 w o m e n ' s places a n d 50 •You too will believe a m a n c a n fly. S u p e r m a n 3. F o r m o r e i n f o r m a t i o n s e e men's places. Mike, R o o m 256 Falmouth. T h e r e w i l l be n o other changes. qualifies f o r a B l a c k - a n d • RWW H a v i n g m a d e the decision that T i z a r d a n d W e e k s H a l l s should be D e c k e r t h r u t h e k n e e c a p s . L o t s of l o v e m i x e d it w o u l d be i n a p p r o p r i a t e , as the petitioners must realise, to DNW. •Electrical Engineering died today. p r o v i d e only two o r three w o m e n ' s places in each a n d so quotas i n M a s s r e m e m b r a n c e over the Q u e e n s m u l t i p l e s o f eight have been agreed. O v e r the next few years the ( D N W / W e hate s l i m y p r o d u c t i o n s ) . n u m b e r o f w o m e n ' s places w i l l c o n t i n u e to be increased u n t i l it is •Best wishes to Floor 1. H a p p y r e t u r n s possible for further residences to b e c o m e m i x e d . Beit H a l l , f r o m w h i c h for n e x t y e a r , D o u z e . •Any red port left K e r m i t ? First F l o o r most protests about the proposed r e d i s t r i b u t i o n have come, w i l l still Muppets. have 28 w o m e n ' s places to 87 men's places. •Where are y o u h i d i n g m y s w e e t . •Don Monro—Hands off o u r r e d h e a d . I C S O Brass section.

•Notes missing?For e x p e r t a d v i c e o n p h o t o c o p y i n g notes, s e e D E l l e m a n , R o o m 76 W e e k s H a l l . •Good try Nige " Y o u r J o k i n g " W a l l s ; y o u get t h r e e p o i n t s for a r e f u s a l a n d zero fortechnique, c h e e r s — L o n g B l o n d e Hair.

•For sexually inhibited girls, t h e r e a r e free l e s s o n s w i t h t h e M i c h e l i n M a n , Linstead A 2 . Anytime, please bring your own toothpicks.

•The All steel Bicycle Club: Persons with 2cwt steel b i c y c l e with 4 s p d S t u r m e y A r c h e r a n d integral d y n a m o h u b w h o a r e i n t e r e s t e d in a t o u r o f t h e H i g h l a n d s (max spd 10mph) to o b s e r v e t h e r a r e s i g h t o f a g a n n e t at work should contact J a m e s Sebastian G r a y ( G e o l 2) at o n c e f o r f u r t h e r details.

• Anyone interested

in C R A P . ( C a m p a i g n for Really A s t r o n o m i c a l Peas and beans) contact R o n G o u l d i n g , ext 4130. S o c i e t y m e e t s M o n d a y e v e n i n g s at s i x i n R o o m 3 3 3 n e w Chemistry Building.

•To the four Physics Library Carrel's sweethearts; please reveal more. Signed the Physics Library Carrel's lechers!

•Simon the gay, b a s t a r d , p a e d o p h i l e g e o l o g i s t (what a p l a y e r ) h a s s o m e " B a a a d N e e e w w w s " . T o raise f u n d s he is h a v i n g to s e l l his c o l l e c t i o n o f f o s s i l mags, vibrating hammers, inflatable a m m o n i t e s , e t c . First c o m e , first A p p l y Linstead Hall. •BE1 invite everyone to a G o b - o n - a W i m p evening. Featuring Dave (Wollen Hairdo) Smollet a n d Slimey (Easter Island) R u s s e l l . M e e t B e i t A « € h , 7:30. PS: Up yours Harrison! •Photoshop Sale: T h e P h o t o s h o p still has s o m e 4 0 0 a n d 200 A S A E k t a c h r o m e f i l m . T h i s will g o o n s a l e at a r e d u c e d P h o t o s h o p p r i c e to c l e a r it o n Wednesday, June 24, O l d D a r k r o o m . A l s o o n e or two black a n d white films left.

Last Aid

'Nuke the Reds!' says Rector

Last M o n d a y d u r i n g the one day unofficial strike by L o n d o n a m b u l a n c e m e n I C R e d Cross volunteers manned two Red Sir Henry T i z a r d , Rector of I C Cross a m b u l a n c e s based at Brixton and Notting H i l l Police 1929-1944, l e d a g r o u p w h i c h S t a t i o n lor the t w e n t y - f o u r h o u r s u b m i t t e d plans for a n attack o n period. R u s s i a n cities b y B r i t a i n using a t o m i c b o m b s a n d germ warfare T h e a m b u l a n c e s were to weapons to the j o i n t chiefs of staff p r o v i d e e m e r g e n c y '999' c o v e r i n t e c h n i c a l warfare c o m m i t t e e i n c o n j u n c t i o n w i t h the p o l i c e , a 1946. These have recently been p o l i c e m a n b e i n g assigned to ride f o u n d in d o c u m e n t s at the P u b l i c w i t h each vehicle. R e c o r d s Office. D u r i n g the t w e n t y - f o u r h o u r R e p o r t s i n c l u d e d a list o f a l l period o u r volunteers were c a l l e d R u s s i a n cities w i t h a p o p u l a t i o n out t o d e a l w i t h e m e r g e n c i e s of m o r e t h a n 100,000 w i t h i n v a r y i n g from a n i n j u r e d c h i l d to b o m b i n g range of B r i t i s h bases. a w o m a n going into labour. A total o f fifty-eight target O n e c a l l was for a "suspected d e c e a s e d " at S h e p h e r d s B u s h cities m a k i n g u p 17.5% o f the Green. The ambulance arrived Soviet U n i o n ' s u r b a n p o p u l a t i o n to find the " d e a d " m a n " d e a d lay w i t h i n range o f the bases. d r u n k " . H e was taken to h o s p i t a l T h e c o m m i t t e e c o n c l u d e d that for a check up a n d then by police the most profitable objects o f v a n to " r e c o v e r " i n the cells o f attack b y the new weapons w i l l Shepherds Bush Police S t a t i o n . n o r m a l l y be c o n c e n t r a t i o ns o f p o p u l a t i o n , centres o f d i s t r i b u T h a n k s to a l l the I C R e d Cross tion a n d c o m m u n i c a t i o n . (F'or D e t a c h m e n t m e m b e r s w h o gave those o f you w i t h two " E " s a n d a up their time to c o v e r this " D " , T i z a r d H a l l is n a m e d after emergency was expressed b y the Viscount Falmouth.) E m e r g e n c y C o - o r d i n a t o r at Scotland Y a r d .

Letters to the Editor

Continued from fmge 2. ment a n d the L o y a l i s t s that X I r e l a n d does not work. The o n l y p o l i t i c a l framework that has a n y hope o l w o r k i n g is for the U l s t e r Protestants to take their place as a natural minority within an A l l I r e l a n d context. F o r this to be a c h i e v e d the Loyalist phenomenon which successive B r i t i s h G o v e r n m e n t s have created a n d l o r centuries led a n d n u r t u r e d o n a diet of* bigotry a n d h a t r e d , must one daybe faced. U n t i l that d a y . m o r e people w i l l die. B r i t i s h soldiers. C a t h o l i c s a n d Protestants a l l v i c t i m s o f the sad tragic state w h i c h the B r i t i s h G o v e r n m e n t insists o n m a i n t a i n i n g despite d a i l y evidence that their insane p o l i c y does nol work: ) ours sincerely ( u r n O'Reilly

j u d i c i a l ponderosity a n d d e m o c r a c y S o u t h A m e r i c a . I w i l l do m y utmost to alert the relevant a u t h o r i t i e s i n that area to y o u r intentions a n d hope that they w i l l send y o u to p r a c t i c e y o u r sutteeism elsewhere. Recent events, however, have shown that these foreign types seem to have a l i k i n g l o r E n g l i s h rogues. A l l things said, I t h i n k y o u ' r e v e r y funny. I o n l y hope that M a r k S m i t h ' s perspicaciousness lives u p to that o f y o u r o w n . Tours sincerely Paul Donovan P S : R u m o u r s that I have o n l y w r i t t e n this letter to prove to y o u that I d o have g r a n d e u r c o m m a n d over the E n g l i s h language are totally u n f o u n d e d a n d are w i t h o u t trace o f fact. M a y I a d d that I w h o l e h e a r t e d l y agree w i t h one ' E ' J a r v i s ' s correspondence in the last F E L I X . M e m b e r s of that irreverent, isopodous i n s t i t u t i o n , the I F , should r e a l l y stick to activities o l w h i c h more note has been taken over the years. I f any m e m b e r s o f the aforementioned g r o u p find themselves w i t h spare l i m e o n their hands, then I urge t h e m i n the strongest possible terms to c o m e a n d oiler t h e i r services at the F ' E L I X Office. I w i l l l x - most pleased to find use l o r t h e i r l i m b s o n the p r o d u c t i o n ol" the I C U H a n d b o o k .

(.'her Steve C o n c c r n a n l certains oeuvres litteraires reeemment parues (sic-Ed) dans v o i r e p u b l i c a t i o n , i l m e semble q u i l soit (sic-Ed)grand temps (sic-Ed) q u e ccs cheres d e m o i s e l l e s de 1TF' essayent (sic-Ed) d ' a t t e i n d r c letir soixanted i x e n steno, el pas tin mot de m o i n s , plutot q u e de (sic-Ed) lettres de eonneries (sic-Ed). C e e i , a l i n (sic-Ed) eviter qu'elles (sic-Eld) n ' a i e n l (sic-Eld) P a i r de causer p a r l e u r euls (sic-Ed/ (bien A strictly private and confidential job's soit-ils (sic-Ed)). letter V e u y e z (sic-Ed) agreer. m o n Sir — sieur l a g u e u l a d e de m a tete v a e h m e n t (sic-Ed) soulec. I w o u l d like to be the first t o Mike Kleyn EE1 complain about your final P S : C a n I c o m e a n d see v o n i n attempt at p r o d u c i n g a h u m o r Brazil. ous a n d d i d a s c a l i c F E L I X , b y rendering m y condemnation and disgust at the w a y i n w h i c h y o u Hotelier Steve. The Hoys .Ire Hack have wasted the valuable reH o u s e 4 4 H i t S q u a d w o u l d like sources p u t at y o u r disposal, o n to r e p l y l o i h e letter i n F E L I X such i g n o m i n i o u s suttra. 587 f r o m J o h n ( Z o o 2 — a d d r e s s not d e p a r t m e n t ) a n d from his The record of your mischum Dave W a y w a r d (Biod e m e a n o u r s speaks for itself. N o t d e g r a d a b l e , too). b e i n g content w i t h p r o d u c i n g decadent filth a n d p o l t r o o n e r i s t i c 1. O u r letter was not a i m e d at m a t e r i a l to d e g r a d e the m o r a l s o f L u n g e T o s e e d h e r , w h o is. as they the p o o r student to the lowest o f say, a n affable fellow. S h a m e that levels, y o u h a v e n o w e m b a r k e d we d o n ' t really want h i m , but u p o n a c o n c a t e n a t i o n o l three S e l k i r k were o f f e r i n g a c a s h F E L I C E S i n t o o n e . T h e purpose alternative. o f this is, n o d o u b t , to a l l o w 2. O u r letter was i n c r i t i c i s m yourself m o r e t i m e to i n d u l g e i n of Assholes: A c h i n g some, pastimes o f a more frivolous Whoreby. Midget and Helen nature. Wheels ( A c t i n g H a l l Mattress) of I was a p p a l l e d to r e a d that y o u , S e l k i r k H a l l , so balls to t h e m . i n t e n d to visit- that bastion o f 3. B u t n o w they m e n t i o n it.

we d o have a few bones to pick. T h i s m a y take some time, but we hope y o u won't m i n d , as this is y o u r last F E L I X , a n d w h a t follows is naughty: a) Someone got c h u c k e d out of o u r s l u m last week. A c c o r d i n g Committee to t h e H o u s e (Tiirdego's r u b b e r stamp), N i c h e M o r e t o n g u e was a p r i m e m o v e r in the e v i c t i o n . W e are sure that t h i s w a s not b e c a u s e t h e s a i d person (whose a n o n y m i t y c a n be m a i n t a i n e d by r e l e r i n g to h i m as 'Engineface') called L I Z L I N D S A Y (of a l l p e o p l e ! ) a f u c k i n g o l d slag. b) M o r e t o n g u e , as those w h o read his b u m f w i l l k n o w , is a b i o c h e m i s t r y postgraduate. T h i s d i d not stop h i m from c a l l i n g i n the d r u g s q u a d to investigate a n illegal cache of flour bombs. Although clearly a sub-warden w i t h students' interests at heart, M o r e t o n g u e is less effective t h a n B S H p l u m b i n g . W e believe that if this r e c o r d c o n t i n u e s , his present harmless hackery c o u l d develop into s o m e t h i n g b i g . W e h a v e seen h i m g r o w f r o m a p a i n - i n - t h e - a s s k n o w - a l l to a truly great cliche-spoutcr. W e a r e w i l l i n g t o b e t t h a t byD e c e m b e r he w i l l rate G r a d e 9.9 on the P A r s e m o r e scale (of 1 to 10). ^ e) There is o n l y one c o m f o r t able r o o m i n B S H , but people keep pissing o n the seat ( w h o wrote this?). d) O n e g o o d t h i n g a b o u t next year's e x e c — n o s m a r t arsed women! ( N o big-titted schoolgirls, either.) By the w a y , W I S T are w r o n g when they say: " W e don't h a p p e n to be l i t t l e f u r r y a n i m a l s . " — w e ' v e h a d a lew of ' e m , a n d not o n l y d o they have h a i r v legs, but thev bite like hell.' In a p p r e c i a t i o n ol a n excellent journal. H o u s e 44 H i t S q u a d P S : If y o u need o u r services, put the w o r d a r o u n d B S H next year. O u r grapevine is good. PPS: H o n o r a r y membership of H 4 4 H S (these initials o n l y b e i n g the same as the infamous House 33 H i t S q u a d by coincidence) is w e l c o m e to a n y person w i t h a g e n e r a l d i s l i k e ot t h e b o r i n g a t t i t u d e o f I C a n d its students, a n d w h o feels the C o l l e g e needs a little more life n e x l year. D r o p a note to H 4 4 H S c ' o B S H . 44 Evelyn Gardens, L o n d o n S W 7 if y o u are interested. P P P S : M e m b e r s h i p is open to anyone w h o c a n b r i n g us a label from a n item of R a e S n e e s underwear. Candidates should form an orderly queue along E v e l y n G a r d e n s , a n d west a l o n g the Fu Ih am R o a d (towards Hammersmith.) P P P P S : W e are not ehauvenist, w o m e n w i t h a spirit of a d v e n t u r e (and pissed o i l w i t h advances

from the a l l - i m p o r t a n t , a n d almost endless list of, unions' exec members, a n d hangers-on) are just as welcome as blokes w i t h the same spirit of adventure. .Sir Y o u r current c a m p a i g n against t h e P r e s i d e n t is d i s g r a c e f u l . F E L I X is c e r t a i n l y not a paper 1 w o u l d let m y wife or servants read. } 'ours truly T h e R e d "Baron' Sheffield B u i l d i n g

Captain Lindley

Colonel White Sir I w o n d e r if a n y of y o u r readers have noted the close resemblance between C a p t a i n L i n d l e y a n d Colonel White, Supreme C o m m a n d e r - i n - C h e i f o f the S p e c t r u m O r g a n i s a t i o n in the GerryA n d e r s o n puppet series ' C a p t a i n Scarlet'? I w o n d e r if by any chance thev are related? S.I.G, T h e Mysterons Sir Y o u r c u r r e n t c a m p a i g n against the President is disgraceful. I have frequently been present at eases i n w h i c h J o h n has been i n v o l v e d , a n d o n every occasion I was firmly of the o p i n i o n that he got to the last bottle. / am. sir, his obedient servant J Pettifoger M S c ( W e l l o n g o n g )

W Did so little really happen? I C U ' s year started with a bang (or a smash) when thieves broke into the U n i o n Office and stole about ÂŁ5,000 w o r t h of trophies from the cabinet. A t that time the U n i o n h a d been pressing for better locks and a n alarm for the cabinet, but due to slow moving administration in the Estates Dept, headed by M r D C l a r k , no action had been taken; despite letters from last year's Deputy President, M a l c o l m B r a i n . E v e n now, the cabinet is not locked, but a n alarm has been fixed u p. It seems unlikely that Estates will get r o u n d to doing anything about this for some time. A n o t h e r area where R a e Snee, D e pu ty President, has crossed swords with Estates has b e e n o v e r S o u t h s i d e s e c u r i t y . A f t e r Estates had assured her that the w o r k of fitting new locking doors in the lower levels would be completed by early M a y , it later transpired that estimates were still being considered after the supposed date for completion.

Union Meetings O n e area of U n i o n politics w h i c h has been ot c o n c e r n this year, as indeed in most previous years, has been the low attendance at U G M s . O u t of nine meetings held, five were closed due to inquoracy. T h e F r e s h e r s ' U G M was stopped by Steve G o u l d e r , as was a meeting in the spring term, giving him a reputation as M r Q u o r u m Caller. A t the s e c o n d meeting, motions o n overseas s t u d e n t s a n d G r e e k s t u d e n t s fees w e r e passed, as was a motion o n lecturer training. This meeting also passed a motion o n limiting t o o n c e a t e r m motions o n the same matter.

Barney

McCabe,

ICU Deputy

stresses

a point

during

Elections

this year

were

did

produce

some

President-elect,

the election fairly

unexpected

uncontroversial. candidates.

run-up. but

T h e third meeting in the first term was well attended a n d motions were passed affiliating C N D a n d opposing S o u t h A f r i c a n sponsored s t u d e n t s o n n u c l e a r fuels c o u r s e s . T h e meeting also passed a motion criticising Steve Marshall's recent satirical attacks o n Dare Afolabi a n d others. S o o n after C h r i s t m a s came another meetingâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;one of the worst attended, as many students didn't k n o w about it, o r were doing exams. H o w e v e r the meeting passed a motion on bicycles before closing due t o lack of business. T h e next meeting was something of a mix-up. T h e date had to be brought forward hurriedly, after the F E L I X Editor pointed out to the E x e c that bye-law changes given their first reading before C h r i s t m a s would be lost if the next meeting was not held within forty College days. S o the date was changed and the turnout disappointingly low. This d i d not stop the meeting being very heated, as the low attendance seemed to be blamed o n the E x e c , some of w h o m reacted angrily. The Sabbatical Hustings Meeting came next. T h i s was very well attended and a motion of N o C o n f i d e n c e in the F E L I X Editor was proposed w h i c h p r o v e d very interesting. T h e results meeting was closed due to inquoracy. In t h e t h i r d t e r m , b o t h m e e t i n g s w e r e stopped but a motion d i d get passed o n the U n i o n ' s distribution of finances. T h u s over the year eight motions were passed. T h e motion o n C N D affiliation c a u s e d a stir, as there were legal problems over spending U n i o n money o n matters outside the U n i o n constitutional powers. T h e in-phrase at that time for most of the U n i o n was ultra vires, whilst for F E L I X it w a s ejustem generis. T h i s legal principle showed the limited way in w h i c h the byelaws would be interpreted if tested in court, a n d after many telephone calls a n d letters from the U n i o n t o its solicitors, the decision was finally taken not to affiliate t o CND. A n o t h e r motion which was part of a larger campaign by some students in the U n i o n was that i n v o l v i n g S o u t h A f r i c a n s t u d e n t s o n nuclear courses here. T h e College policy is to allow this, but some students have p i c k e t e d G o v e r n i n g Body, organised debates a n d lobbied the Rector to change this, but without any apparent success. O n e thing to c o m e out of this year's U n i o n meetings were some changes in the U n i o n Byelaws. T h e first, to disband I C W A had been going through "first readings" for a few years, but not u n t i l t h i s t e r m w a s I C W A f i n a l l y abolished (subject to G o v e r n i n g B o d y ' s approval). In O c t o b e r . J o h n P a s s m o r e , I C U President, organised a freshers' concert with N o D i c e . D u e t o lack of action o n his behalf, the concert lost ÂŁ500. a n d J o h n Passmore admitted total responsibility for the flop, a n d said "I don't k n o w what I'll d o . . . I think I'll resign."

Mark Clegg, strikes night

Consoc

Chairman

an unconventional away

and PWP

pose

whilst

Chairman,

dancing

the

at No 10.

Edinburgh A w a r d S c h e m e came in N o v e m b e r , and this resulted in M r M o o n e y being described as a superb caterer in College, a n d C a p t a i n L i n d l e y admitting he didn't k n o w exactly what was going o n . T h e visitors the next week were iess welcome. T h e y abused the U n i o n O f f i c e staff a n d stole J o h n P a s s m o r e f o r a few h o u r s . F r e d S a n g e r , double N o b e l prizewinner, c a m e in D e c e m b e r , and Shirley Williams c a m e i n J a n u a r y . S h e returned later in the year to inaugurate the S D P at the College. In F e b r u a r y the N a v y c a m e t o tell us what they d o , a n d D r M a g n u s P y k e came to wave his arms about. This m o n t h also saw D r G a r r y H u n t , G i l e s S h a w M P a n d R a y m o n d B a x t e r . In M a r c h we h a d M a r k Carlisle M P , Patrick M o o r e , and Ian M c G r e g o r . S o this year I C has had its fair share of important visitors, but the fatal attraction of the College seems elusive to this writer.

Visitors Visitors to College this year have been most interesting. S i r K e i t h J o s e p h pointed the w a y in O c t o b e r ; Prince Phillip a n d the D u k e of

Headbangers? JCR

during

No, a display International

of Martial

Week.

Arts

in the

Mascotry M a s c o t r y reared its head this year again. T h e first t e r m saw G u i l d s get C i t y University's C a r r o t a n d then C i t y return to inadvertently steal J o h n P a s s m o r e . It is often claimed that IC students do not need U L U because theyu have all the facilities, c l u b s a n d societies necessary in their o w n College without going outside. T h e same could be said of mascotry. D u e to the unique division of C C U s aspiring mascot violators can practice inside their o w n College. T h i s happened in M a r c h w h e n R C S U violated " D a v e y " the M i n e s m a s c o t . T h e mascot was taken to an R C S U G M a n d M i n e s repossessed it after an "ugly scene", in M a y , R C S U m a d e a s e c o n d a t t e m p t to t a k e " D a v e y " , this time unsuccessful. R i c h A r c h e r , R C S U President was unaware of most of the a c t i v i t i e s of t h e m a s c o t r y g r o u p , a n d his resignation came as the culmination of a long period of bitterness. Rag fortunes this year have fluctuated; a high attendance for the traditional tiddlywinks followed by lesser numbers for other events. T h e R a g C h a i r m a n was forced to resign, but Rag W e e k was enjoyed by everyone who took part.

Steve Marshall Boring T w o events that most students don't k n o w a lot about were M e e t I C a n d I N C O S T . C a p t a i n Lindley organised M e e t I C a n d L i z L i n d s a y , I N C O S T . T h e College w o u l d do well to hire her in two years time for the next M e e t I C to m a k e it more sucessful. S h o u l d the U n i o n r e c i p r o c a t e the gesture with its next conference though? R a c h e l S n e e as D e p u t y President this year, has to s o m e extent wasted her abilities in often unnecessary attacks o n F E L I X personnel. S he s e e m s to s p e n d too m u c h t i m e b e i n g " d i s g u s t e d " to change that w h i c h she has been disgusted about. A s for J o h n P a s s m o r e , well, his leadership c o u l d not be called inspired or d y n a m i c . H e has frequently faced severe criticism at U n i o n meetings but shrugged it off, m u c h as he t r i e d to f e n d off F E L I X . It is n o t t h o u g h t t h a t a l i s t of t h e E x e c ' s achievements this year would be very long, however, credit is due to them for keeping the U n i o n ticking over since last year C o u n c i l this year has been rather too obsessed with its o w n self-importance to be of m u c h use. Fortunately it has not got bogged d o w n in " p o l i t i c a l " issues and the d i s c u s s i o n of these matters are usually brought to a U G M (if its not inquorate!).

Handbook Help A r e y o u multi-talented a n d staying in or a r o u n d C o l l e g e for the s u m m e r ? If so why not pop into the F E L I X office a n d see what's happening o n the I C U n i o n H A N D B O O K . W h a t e v e r you're into we c a n use y o u . If y o u are a literary genius then y o u are especially w e l c o m e as articles o n eating-out, going-out, pub guide etc. etc are n e e d e d now. S o pull y o u r finger out while you've still got the chance.

W i t h o u t a d o u b t t h o u g h , the most contraversial aspect of the U n i o n this year has been F E L I X . Steve M a r s h a l l has never let a chance slip to point out the inadequacy and pettiness of those in College administration a n d in U n i o n posts. H e has not shied away from defending the concept of editorial freedom, refusing to be told what to do by anyone. H i s editorial reign has been m o r e c o n c e r n e d with " q u a l i t y " than " q u a n t i t y " . H e seems to hold the U n i o n a n d its institutions in not inconsiderable disrespect, a n d there are very few peeople who c a n deal w i t h h i m to their o w n a d v a n t a g e . S t e v e Marshall's editorial style has so often resulted in the n e w s p a p e r being the news. H i s campaign against D a r e Afolabi whilst being disgraceful was the talking point of many groups for s o m e time. T h e issue that caused the greatest c o n t r o v e r s y was at the start of 1981 a n d c o n c e r n e d the non-awarding of a knighthood to M r M o o n e y . A l l sections of College felt strongly about that issue either for or against, and strong pressure was put on Steve M a r s h a l l to apologise to M r M o o n e y . H o w e v e r , he p u b l i s h e d a n a r t i c l e w h i c h explained what had happened a n d this was accepted as an apology, by U n i o n C o u n c i l , even though it s h o w e d little sign of remorse or regret in it.

T i z a r d Hall Assistant

Sub-Wardens

A p p l i c a t i o n s are invited for two posts of assistant sub-warden w h i c h have been created in T i z a r d Hall for the academic year 1981/2. Rentfree a c c o m m o d a t i o n in a single r o o m will be provided . T i z a r d Hall will have approximately 94 men a n d 24 w o m e n residents and the duties of the assistant sub-warden are to help the w a r d e n a n d sub-warden with the day-to-day

The other major issue w h i c h aroused passions were the insulting r e m a r k s made by Steve M a r s h a l l about P r i n c e s s A n n e . T h i s resulted in a m o t i o n of N o C o n f i d e n c e in him being brought to the H u s t i n g s U G M . W i t h his c u s t o m a r y disregard for precedent, he refused to speak in his o w n defence, but instead h a d a statement read on his behalf (which included criticism of the E x e c ) in w h i c h he offered to resign there and then. T h i s was a dramatic m o v e , but the m e e t i n g d i d not s i e z e the opportunity of throwing h i m out, however. It is very difficult to say what the effect of t h i s y e a r ' s F E L I X h a s b e e n . It h a s b e e n claimed that F E L I X has made it difficult for the U n i o n to deal with C o l l e g e . I'm sure the people in College have more sense than that. F E L L X has been very controversial, a n d this means that most people r e a d it, if only to be s h o c k e d b y b a r e b o t t o m s a n d o b s c e n i t i e s (for M r M a r s h a l l caters for all tastes). T h e controversy that so often s u r r o u n d s F E L I X "hatchet-job" c a n too easily be c o n c e r n e d with the style a n d nature of the article, rather than what the article was about. T h i s is a pity. B u t at least Steve M a r s h a l l c a n claim to have published what the U n i o n really t h i n k s about certain people and institutions, as exemplified by what elected representatives are happy to say in the U n i o n B a r , r a t h e r t h a n o n C o l l e g e committees.

organisation of the Hall a n d to contribute to its social life. B o t h female and male students of Imperial College are invited to apply a n d although the successful applicants w o u l d normally be postgraduates, applications f r o m others will be c o n sidered o n their merits. Applications withacurriculumvitaeandnames College referees if possible, s h o u l d be sent to Dr M H R Hutchinson, Warden, Tizard Hall, before July 3, 1981.

EXEC PARTY! T h u r s d a y 25th J u n e , 8:30

J C R , b a n d , bar extension 'til 2

E n t r a n c e by U n i o n C a r d

o n l y to t h e u n i v e r s i t y , b u t a l s o t o t h e w o r l d a t l a r g e . H e r e a g a i n he

A Considered Opinion

comes

under

pressure

from

below

especially

the

a d m i n i s t r a t i o n b l o c k i n t h a t h e h a s to d e f e n d , i n p u b l i c at l e a s t , the acts w h i c h h a v e been p e r p e t r a t e d b y his s u b o r d i n a t e s , often without

The role of the Rector

his k n o w l e d g e .

concerning

in College life

a student's

useless

public

group

belonging

prestigious

it be

or the wastage

r e l a t i o n s exercises,

students

departure

Thus whether

suicide

group

or a

the

cover-up

of money

m i n o r i t y society, of

attitude towards

academics

lor

a the

another

u n i v e r s i t y , t h e d e c i s i o n s h a v e b e e n m a d e c o l l e c t i v e l y at a l o w e r It is d i f f i c u l t , i f n o t i m p o s s i b l e t o d i s e n t a n g l e t h e r o l e o f t h e R e c t o r as a p o s i t i o n w i t h t h e p e r s o n w h o h o l d s t h a t p o s t at a g i v e n t i m e . It is a c o m m o n p l a c e ,

b u t nevertheless t r u e , to say

l e v e l a n d c a n n o t , w i t h o u t g r e a t r i s k , be a l t e r e d . T h i s p r e s e n t R e c t o r c a m e to t h e p o s t f r o m t h e S R C a n d h a s attempted

apply

this C o l l e g e

the

policies

which

t h a t e f f e c t i v e l y t h e w a y t h e j o b is d o n e is a n i n t e r a c t i o n o f these

f o l l o w e d at t h e c o u n c i l n a m e l y t h e e s t a b l i s h i n g of " c e n t r e s

t w o a s p e c t s . H o w e v e r , I s h a l l e n d e a v o u r to e x a m i n e i n a l i t t l e

e x c e l l e n c e " . H e does not like s m a l l i n s t i t u t i o n s v i z his n u m e r o u s

more detail how

attempts

this i n t e r a c t i o n works.

down

amalgamate

the

department

of of

T h e post o f R e c t o r is t h a t o f h e a d o f t h e C o l l e g e ; a l l a s p e c t s o f

a e r o n a u t i c s a n d r u m o u r s (the t r u t h o f w h i c h I h a v e b e e n u n a b l e

t h i s C o l l e g e . H e is t h u s h e a d o f t h e a c a d e m i c staff, h e a d o f t h e

to v e r i f y ) to s p l i t u p R S M i n t o t h e o t h e r t w o c o l l e g e s . H i s i d e a s

t e c h n i c a l s t a l l , a n d h e a d o f t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i v e staff. A s s u c h he is

of centres

s u b j e c t to e n o r m o u s p r e s s u r e s f r o m e a c h s e c t i o n o f t h e C o l l e g e .

C a m b r i d g e , etc) w h i l e p o s s i b l y v a l i d f or t h e s h o r t t e r m , i n t h e

The

l o n g r u n w i l l l e a d to a d e c l i n e o f o r i g i n a l r e s e a r c h b e c a u s e s m a l l

pressures,

w h i c h n o r m a l l y have the d i s t r i b u t i o n of

of excellence

institutions have

e x a m p l e appointments of new lecturers from departments have

w h e n the modes of t h o u g h t inherent i n the centres ol excellence

t o be b a l a n c e d b y t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n ' s u n q u e n c h a b l e t h i r s t f o r

have been e x h a u s t e d there w i l l be no o r i g i n a l scientists i n o t h e r

n e w a d m i n i s t r a t o r s . I c o u l d go f u r t h e r i n t o the c o m p e t i t i o n for

places to

t h i s essay m o r e t e d i o u s t h a n is n e c e s s a r y .

T h i s all means,

Small

fill

the

deprived of money.

Herstmonceux,

resources at t h e i r base, c a n take a w i d e v a r i e t y o f forms. F o r

r e s o u r c e s f r o m v a r i o u s c o m m i t t e e s b u t to d o t h i s w o u l d m a k e

been

(eg h e r e , U M I S T ,

T h i s means

that

gaps.

is i n d e e d

beautiful, a n d efficient, where

creative

processes are i n v o l v e d . B u t w i t h a R e c t o r w h o c a n n o t c o n t r o l

keep

t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n a n d i n d e e d , w i t h its c e n t r a l i s i n g a i m s , a p p e a r s

whoever

to be i n s y m p a t h y w i t h i t , s u c h a d r e a m w i l l h a v e t o r e m a i n a

h a p p e n s t o be t h e R e c t o r , a r e a l w a y s m o d e r a t e l y u n h a p p y . T h e

d r e a m u n t i l the l e a d i n g position of B r i t i s h science i n the w o r l d

o t h e r m a i n f u n c t i o n o f t h e R e c t o r is to r e p r e s e n t t h e C o l l e g e n o t

has b e e n

course,

that the R e c t o r

everybody

happy;

the

has to be a g e n i u s i n o r d e r to r e s u l t is t h a t

most

people,

eroded. The

T N

Mole

r\\sSf/ V10 A

MOZART OPERAS 13th-18th JULY 1981

Cosifantutte Don Giovanni Le nozze di Figaro M o n d a y 13th July 7.00 p.m. Tuesday 14th July 7.00 p.m. W e d n e s d a y 15th July 7.00 p.m. Thursday 16th July 7.00 p.m. Friday 17th July 7.00 p.m. Saturday 18th July 7.30 p.m. 700 stalls promenade places available on the day of performance one hour before curtain up. £2.00 each including VAT. Further details: 01-240 1911124-hour information service). Bargain offers for promenaders. Stalls seats for Amphi prices! Proms ticket stub will entitle you to drastic reductions on seats for a number of performances bv The Royal Opera. Full details supplied with tickets.

••••

Midland Bank

Roxal Opera House Sponsored by Midland Bank Limited. The Royal Opera House Covent Garden Limited receives financial assistance from The Arts Council of Great Britain.

ELII 1. What is the collective name for a group of IF students? a) A clutch b) A lay c) A gaggle d) A snatch e) A poke

2. What is the Rector doing in this photograph? a) Playing with his organ. b) Operating the controls of his greenhouse. c) Playing patience to avoid falling asleep at Commemoration Day. d) Beaming up the Captain. e) Realising he has brought his shopping list instead of the notes for his speech.

3. Which of the following happens every two years? a) The Rector changes his expression. b) Meet IC c) Estates fix a window. d) Mooney changes his chip fat. e) Bob Foggon's 35th Birthday.

4. Mr Afolabi has appeared quite often in FELIX this year, but what is his first name? a) Dennis b) Denton c) Dare d) Danny e) Diogenes Who was described in FELIX as "fat and horrendously ugly"? ' a) Princess Anne b) Ruth Hildebrand c) Jeremy Nunns (Jasper) d) Rachel Snee e) Mary Attenborough

What event a) b) c) d) e)

did Captain Lindley organise on Wednesday, May 13? A seashanty evening A screening of Carry On Sailor Meet IC A salt beef and rum party A keelhauling of S J Marshall (Rtd)

Captain Lindley held a command before he came to IC. Was it: a) The Lusitania b) The Isle of Wight Ferry c) The Titanic d) The Torrey Canyon e) A few old sheds. 8. Who is the most overpaid, pompous, stuck-up, employee of Imperial College? a) Victor Mooney b) Captain Lindley c) John Thole d) Annie Latrine e) Stan 9. Which of the following has not been found in a Southside Refectory meal? a) Food b) Lord Lucan c) Rusty tractor wheel d) A colostomy bag e) The Chef's gold ring 10. Where will Steve Marshall be by the time you read this quiz? a) Wormwood Scrubs b) In bed c) Rampton d) Brisbane e) Rio De Janeiro Answers

^ r W W W W f t W W n f t f l f V W W r ^ ^

elsewhere

in this

journal

r D e s p i s e d a n d rejected, a figure of fun t h r o u g h o u t t h e C o l l e g e , m a n y s t u d e n t s feel V i c t o r M o o n e y t o be p e r s o n a l l y r e s p o n s i b l e for t h e p o o r R e f e c t o r y s e r v i c e . T h e y s e e h i m a s t h e o b j e c t for t h e hate a n d d e r i s i o n that swells u p i n t h e m w h e n e a t i n g t h e poorly served "cheeps" and unnatural t a s t i n g m e a t c o u r s e s . P o w e r l e s s t o struggle against the R e f e c t o r i e s , w i t h a U n i o n w h i c h s o o f t e n t u r n s a blind-eye t o the i n i q u i t y a n d u n j u s t n e s s o f V i c t o r M o o n e y w i t h his o w n y a c h t , h o w c a n s u c h a s t u d e n t register his d i s a p p o i n t m e n t with t h emenace of Mooney's monsterous monopoly? O n e very important thing to be remembered w h e n considering the Refectory s e r v i c e s , is that V i c t o r M o o n e y h as b e e n at t h i s C o l l e g e for t w e n t y - e i g h t y e a r s . O n e o f the earliest r e f e r e n c e s t o V i c t o r M o o n e y i n F E L I X w a s i n 1955 w h e n he t o o k o v e r all t h e C o l l e g e c a t e r i n g w h e n M i s s " Q u e e n i e " B o w n i n g left, F E L I X w i s h e d h i m " t h e b e s t o f l u c k o n his n e w , a n d difficult venture". L a t e r o n that y e a r i n a S u g g e s t i o n s B o o k someone wrote " G o o d old Mooney! Keep up the g o o d w o r k ! K e e p off the g ! opposite w h i c h the "dietician-in-chief" wrote " n o t e d " . Taking into account the p r o p o s i t i o n that s t u d e n t s w e r e i n t h o s e d a y s a bit m o r e c i v i l , " k e e p u p the g o o d w o r k " is still a c o n g r a t u l a t o r y r e m a r k . H o w m a n y people today, twenty-six years later, would feel a b l e t o s i m i l a r l y p r a i s e h i m ? T r i p p i n g t h r o u g h the y e a r s , t o 1956, V i c t o r M o o n e y again h a s praise heaped u p o n h i m , this t i m e for his " m a g n i f i c e n t a n d

determined effort" i n opening a new r e f e c t o r y i n o n e d a y , despite s e t b a c k s w h i c h w o u l d h a v e " d e m o r a l i s e d a lesser

Praise T h e s e a r e s o m e e x a m p l e s of t h e laudatory statements made about V i c t o r M o o n e y , a n d at n o stage is t h e r e e v e n the m e r e s t hint of U n i o n c r i t i c i s m of h i m . B u t a few t h i n g s n e e d t o b e r e m e m b e r e d a b o u t e v e n t s at that t i m e . F i r s t l y , M r M o o n e y w a s a v i v a c i o u s t h i r t y - t h r e e y e a r - o l d full of n e w i d e a s a n d eager t o please, t h e r e w e r e less staff w h i c h c r e a t e d a better a t m o s p h e r e , a n d t h o s e staff s h o w e d s o m e sign of p r i d e in t h e i r w o r k . A l s o , at that t i m e , the C o l l e g e w a s m u c h s m a l l e r a n d easier t o r u n .

Decrepitude M e a n w h i l e i n 1957, M r M o o n e y was e x p e r i m e n t i n g t o c u t the s i ze o f " e n o r m o u s supper queues". Perhaps those experim e n t s w o r k e d t o o w e l l . A t this time also I C ' s c a t e r i n g b e g a n i n this w r i t e r ' s v i e w it's long process of collapsing into an inexora b l e p i t of d e c r e p i t u d e . F o r i n s t a n c e the Suggestions B o o k contains r e m a r k s about peas; comparing them t o lead shot, green bullets a n d indigestible ball-bearings. T h e s u b s t a n c e o f the c o m p l a i n t s h as r e m a i n e d fairly s i m i l a r a l t h o u g h s i n ce t h e n the style h a s c h a n g e d ; e g " T h e w h i t e of a n egg w a s r u b b e r y , t h e y o k e m o r e so. T h e p e a s w e r e h a r d . T h e c h i p s w e r e l e a t h e r y a n d the w h o l e

d i s h w a s quite c o l d . " A n d , " F o r s o m e t i m e I have been confused regarding engineering t e r m s , e g d u c t i l i t y , rigidity, tensile s t r e n g t h , hardness and brittleness. Y o u r pastry d e m o n s t r a t e s t h e l o t . " ( A p o s s i b l e first r e f e r e n c e t o T H E b a k e d m i n c e d beef roll?)

Complaints In 1 9 6 1 , M r M o o n e y w a s p e r s o n a l l y a t t a c k e d i n F E L I X for i g n o r i n g s u g e s t i o n s and c o m p l a i n t s , a n d f o r his total indiff e r e n c e . C o u l d this p o s s i b l y be the s a m e M r M o o n e y w h o o n l y s i x y e a r s earlier w a s h a i l e d a s a h e r o b y the U n i o n ? Y e s . A t the start of the A u t u m n t e r m , 1961 F E L I X reported the long queues in the Refectory. A t this time, t h e d e m a n d o u t s t r i p p e d the s u p p l y , a n d the staff h a d t o try v e r y h a r d t o get e v e r y o n e s e r v e d . E v e n i n 1961 t h o u g h , c o m p l a i n t s o f e x t r a n e o u s m a t e r i a l s finding their w a y i n t o h e l p i n g s of f o o d w e r e m a d e , eg a " b u n d l e of w i r e , t w o t h i r d s of w h i c h I u n f o r t u n a t e l y swallowed while eating your otherwise e x c e l l e n t a p p l e p i e " . M r M o o n e y gave his n o w familiar reply of a s k i n g the c o m plainants t o take the meal back t o the c o u n t e r at the t i m e .

Bring it back T h i s s i m p l e r e q u e s t â&#x20AC;&#x201D; b r i n g it b a c k at the t i m e â&#x20AC;&#x201D; i s o n e o f the best defensive p l o y s u s e d b y V i c t o r M o o n e y t o k e e p c r i t i c i s m of the r e f e c t o r i e s t o a m i n i m u m ; w h y else use it for t w e n t y y e a r s ? W h a t s t u d e n t is g o i n g t o risk t h e d i s g r u n t l e m e n t of others by returning to the counter to make a c o m p l a i n t a b o u t the f o o d t o the staff w h o often, t h r o u g h n o fault of their o w n , find difficulty understanding English, thus holding u p the queue and upsetting a n a l r e a d y t o u c h y staff m e m b e r . A c r y of " t h e p e a s are c o l d t o d a y " might b e b e t t e r , a n d a w a r n i n g like " d o n ' t h a v e the s a l a d , t h e r e ' s glass in i t " w o u l d s u r e l y h e l p o t h e r s t o a v o i d the o d d d i s h that e v e n M r V i c t o r M o o n e y a d m i t s " w e fall d o w n o n " . V i c t o r M o o n e y hit the h e a dl i n e s again in 1973. H e w a s c o n d e m n e d for his attitude t o U n i o n m e e t i n g s , h a v i n g " d e v e l o p e d a fine art in f e n d i n g off q u e s t i o n s like s o m e dispasionate observer. Listening t o his U n i o n m e e t i n g offerings it s e e m e d h a r d l y c r e d i b l e that h e h as a n y r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s t o w a r d s I C c a t e r i n g at a l l " . A l s o " M r M o o n e y ' s g e n e r a l a i m s s e e m e d to be t o p a s s o n the b l a m e a n d r e s p o n s i b i l i t y t o o t h e r s . P r i c e ' i n c r e a s e s ' are the fault of c a s h i e r s o v e r c h a r g i n g , the c o n t i n u a n c e of t h e habit i s t h e fault of s t u d e n t s n o t c o m p l a i n i n g , a n d t h e fault for the b a d q u a l i t y o f the f o o d lies w i t h the refectories having t o o m a n y c u s t o m e r s . "

Propaganda shows a typical meal sewed This photograph congealed beans, and an unrecognisable third

up in an IC refectory; portion.

shrivelled

chips,

T h i s i s a n e x a m p l e of the l o n g c a t a l o g u e of lies a n d deceitful p r o p a g a n d a p u t a b o u t

by V i c t o r M o o n e y over t h e last t w o d e c a d e s . N o s t u d e n t h a s the k n o w l e d g e o r time t o fully c h a l l e n g e the s t a t e m e n t s . S t u d e n t representatives o n the various r e f e c t o r y c o m m i t t e e s c o u l d find it e a s y t o be t a k e n i n by V i c t o r M o o n e y ' s false f a c a d e of c o n c e r n a b o u t the s t a n d a r d of c a t e r i n g here. In 1970, t h e u n h y g e n i c n a t u r e o f t h e k i t c h e n s w a s w i d e l y r e p o r t e d i n The Sun, when refectory boycotts were organised and a U G M p a s s e d a m o t i o n of n o confidence in t h e refectory c h a i r m a n at that time. R e p l y i n g to a c c u s a t i o n s of c o c k r o a c h infestation M r J i m K e a r n s a C o l l e g e e m p l o y e e t o l d The Sun t h e y w e r e " h o g w a s h " , because there were cockr o a c h e s i n all k i t c h e n s .

Stupid D u r i n g t h e early 7 0 s t h e r e w a s m u c h c r i t i c i s m of t h e high price rises i n t h e refectories as a whole, b u t despite the boycotts and U G M motions, nothing was d o n a . In 1975 M r M i k e W i l l i a m s , a n e x F E L I X E d i t o r c o m p l a i n e d bitterly a b o u t the stupid attitudes t a k e n b y V i c t o r M o o n e y and Peter Teague, then I C U President. V i c t o r M o o n e y tried t o increase refectory prices by 40% without increasing the quality; M r Teague wanted refectory boycotts. M r ( W i l l i a m s c a l l e d f o r e a c h side t o t r u s t e a c h o t h e r . I suggest that this U n i o n h a s t r u s t e d Victor M o o n e y long enough, a n d he has b e e n a l l t o o willing t o b e t r a y that t r u s t .

Why? B u t w h y is the r e f e c t o r y s e r v i c e s o b a d ? T h e r e a r e m a n y p o s s i b l e replies t o t h i s often a s k e d question. V i c t o r M o o n e y ' s f a v o u r i t e a n s w e r is " W e h a v e t o p r o v i d e a c a p a c i t y s e r v i c e until C h r i s t m a s a n d for half that n u m b e r for the rest of the y e a r . " L e t ' s c o n s i d e r that a n s w e r a bit m o r e fully. V i c t o r M o o n e y lets o u t a n i n t e r e s t i n g figure. F o r one t e r m the refectories a r e used heavily a n d for the o t h e r t w o t e r m s n o t s o h e a v i l y , but at n o time is t h e f o o d a n y g o o d . W h e t h e r p u s h e d to c a p a c i t y o r t i c k i n g o v e r , V i c t o r M o o n e y just c a n ' t s e e m t o get t h e catering right.Secondly, Victor Mooney seems aware that t h en u m b e r s using the r e f e c t o r i e s is d r o p p i n g all t h e t i m e . I suggest that this is b e c a u s e , at first, t h e r e f e c t o r i e s are u s e d in the m a i n b y s t u d e n t s in their first y e a r at C o l l e g e . A s t i m e progresses those students b e c o m e m o r e s e t t l e d i n , c o o k i n g for t h e m s e l v e s , o r finding local eating places.

Excuse A n o t h e r p o p u l a r e x c u s e f o r the c a t e r i n g h e r e , is that the r e f e c t o r i e s a n d b a r s h a v e t o be self-financing. C o l l e g e d e c i d e d that it's U G C grant would be spent o n mainly a c c a d e m i c e x p e n d i t u r e , t h u s m a k i n g it harder for the U G C t o c u t I C ' s without harming College academically. S o the r e f e c t o r y s e r v i c e h a s t o p a y it's o w n w a y . If it m a k e s a l o s s it c a n b e b a i l e d o u t b y the B a r profits, but n o t h i n g else. O n e y e a r ' s loss w o u l d have to be r e c o u p e d by next year's higher p r i c e s .

H U E S T U D E N T S at a L o n d o n college p r o t e s t e d angrily a b o u f t h e cockroaches. T h e y found them i n the k i t c h e n s a n d i n the h a l l s of r e s i d e n c e . S o m e of t h e insects e v e n scuttled a r o u n d the c o m mon rooms while students watched television, says t h e . m a g a zine of students at t h e Imperial C o l l e g e of Science a n d Technology. It was the last s t r a w w h e n three students found cockroaches in their v o l au-vent.

""Hog-wash' S t u d e n t s a r e now p l a n n i n g to boycott the d i n i n g hall. Student William Honeyborne said yesterday: " S p r a y s no l o n g e r h a v e a n y effect because there are so many cockroaches. " W e c a n o n t g i v e the date because of t h e boycott w e do n o t w a n t it a n t i c i p a t e d i n the k i t c h e n s . " C o l l e g e staff m e m b e r J i m Kearns, said: " These c o m p l a i n t s a r e a lot o f h o g w a s h . In all k i t c h e n s there a r e a c e r t a i n n u m b e r of c o c k r o a c h e s . "

An extract from The Sun, January 19 1970. If Mr Mooney were a commercial caterer he would probably hit the headlines more often.

B u t t h e r e are o t h e r r e a s o n s w h i c h m i g h t h e l p t o e x p l a i n t h e s i t u a t i o n . If t h e u n c o o k e d f o o d is of a p o o r q u a l i t y , t h e n n o matter h o w well c o o k e d , i n a flyless, cockroachless kitchen, by experienced staff, it still will c o m e o u t a s r u b b i s h , e g a s a u s a g e m a d e of s a w d u s t will n e v e r b e "fit for a K i n g " (or P r i n c e Phillip). But even "sawdust sausages" could not be e x p e c t e d t o s u r v i v e the b a t t e r i n g g i v e n to t h e m i n M o o n e y ' s kitchens. I s a i d it w a s i m p o r t a n t to recall that V i c t o r M o o n e y has b e e n at this C o l l e g e for a l o n g t i m e . D u r i n g that p e r i o d h e h a s built u p g o o d r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h m a n y influential p e o p l e i n C o l l e g e a n d the U n i o n . H e h a s b e e n m a d e a m e m b e r of at least t w o C C U d r i n k i n g c l u b s â&#x20AC;&#x201D; n o d o u b t for his s e r v i c e s t o a n n u a l d i n n e r s , a n d b y a s s i s t i n g the r i s i n g s t a r s in C o l l e g e has m a d e life a bit easier for himself. W h e n d i g n a t o r i e s h a v e v i s i t e d the College, eg for M e e t I C o r R o y a l Visits, V i c t o r M o o n e y h a s e n s u r e d that the f o o d is of t h e highest q u a l i t y â&#x20AC;&#x201D; t h u s giving a false i m p r e s s i o n of the c a t e r i n g h e r e . W h i l s t the f u n c t i o n a l c a t e r i n g is often t o b e highly r e c o m m e n d e d , it m u s t b e r e m e m b e r e d that the R e f e c t o r i e s are h e r e t o p r o v i d e a s e r v i c e to s t u d e n t s a n d staff, not t o e n t e r t a i n rich outsiders.

Immunity O v e r the y e a r s t h e n , I suggest that V i c t o r M o o n e y has built u p a n a l m o s t c o m p l e t e i m m u n i t y from criticism a i m e d at h i m p e r s o n a l l y , o r at the b r a n c h of the d o m e s t i c service h e is personally responsible for maintaining. This does n o t help, because t h e a u t h o r i t i e s i n t h e U n i o n often w a n t people in College to be criticised, i n the h o p e of g e t t i n g s o m e a c t i o n o u t of t h e m . If s e r i o u s c r i t i c i s m is n o t a c c e p t e d , t h e n o n l y satire a n d s a r c a s m are left.

Criticism T h e c r i t i c i s m s of V i c t o r M o o n e y a n d the c a t e r i n g h a v e t e n d e d t o o v e r s h a d o w w h a t is being criticised. T h e catering has b e c o m e a long-standing joke, a n d students n o doubt ask t h e m s e l v e s is it really w o r t h b o t h e r i n g t o c o m p l a i n , is it really w o r t h c a u s i n g a fuss? I suggest that b e c a u s e of the n a t u r e of the c o m p o s i t i o n of the C o l l e g e few s t u d e n t s are p r e p a r e d t o struggle against the r e f e c t o r y s y s t e m . W i t h i n the first few w e e k s t h e y h a v e b e c o m e g r o u n d d o w n b y t h e f o o d a n d are m o r e i n t e r e s t e d i n th e ir d e g r e e t h a n i n taking part i n any process of change. T h e College authorities must not think for o n e m i n u t e that the l a c k of a c t i o n b y t h e U n i o n a n d the often h u m o r o u s a t t i t u d e a d d o p t e d by F E L I X t o w a r d M r M o o n e y m e a n s that the c a t e r i n g h e r e is g r u d g i n g l y a c c e p t e d b y " t h e silent m a j o r i t y " of s t u d e n t s , b e c a u s e it is m o s t e m p h a t i c a l l y n o t .

Peroration In the 1950s V i c t o r M o o n e y w a s r e g a r d e d as a c o m p e t e n t r e f e c t o r y m a n a g e r . S i n c e that t i m e , the s i z e of the C o l l e g e h a s g r o w n , the demands made o n t h e refectory manager have increased, and Victor M o o n e y ' s reputation has t a k e n a tumble. I suggest that this is b e c a u s e t h e j o b h a s g o n e outside hisability. Despite t h e most f e r o c i o u s c r i t i c i s m of h i m i n F E L I X a n d at U n i o n m e e t i n g s o v e r the last t w e n t y y e a r s , there has been n o general i m p r o v e m e n t in the taste o r r e d u c t i o n i n the e x t o r t i o n a t e prices of refectory food. W h y should I C be s o sadly striken with such unappetising food? W h y should the f o o d r e m a i n s o b a d for s o l o n g , e v e n t h o u g h the k i t c h e n s have t h e most up-to-date equipment? I believe that there is o n e c o n n e c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e s e a n d all the p o i n t s ever m a d e a b o u t t h e f o o d h e r e i n the last 28 y e a r s . T h a t c o n n e c t i o n is n o n e o t h e r t h a n Victor Mooney. T h e plain t r u t h is that V i c t o r M o o n e y s i m p l y isn't u p t o his j o b of o r g a n i s i n g the c a t e r i n g h e r e . It's n o t a n easy j o b , t h e r e are m a y b e o n l y a s m a l l n u m b e r of p e o p l e w h o c o u l d d o it. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , V i c t o r M o o n e y isn't o n e of that s m a l l n u m b e r . Whatever good he has done, whatever w r o n g h e h a s s u f f e r e d , this w r i t e r a s k s y o u t o a c c e p t that V i c t o r M o o n e y s h o u l d n e v e r h a v e b e e n g i v e n c o n t r o l of t h e c a t e r i n g h e r e , that n o o n e r e g r e t s it m o r e t h a n t h o s e r e s p o n s i b l e f o r his a p p o i n t m e n t a n d V i c t o r M o o n e y himself, t h e r e c a n be n o i m p r o v e m e n t in the c a t e r i n g whilst V i c t o r M o o n e y is still h e r e , s o t h e s o o n e r h e g o e s the b e t t e r .

CAPTAIN LIHVLIY

R e g u l a r p a t r o n s of M r M o o n e y ' s f i n e r e f e c t o r y facilities c a n n o t h a v e failed t o h a v e n o t i c e d that m a n y of the c a t e r i n g staff a r e of Italian, S p a n i s h o r F r e n c h e x t r a c t i o n . F o r the a i d a n d benefit of all o u r r e a d e r s , w e p r e s e n t b e l o w a guide of useful p h r a s e s w h i c h w i l l b e of i n e s t i m a b l e v a l u e i n c o m m u n i c a t i n g w i t h o u r friends w h o s e r v e in the r e f e c t o r i e s , f r o m w h o m g o o d s e r v i c e a n d civility is a n u n e x p e c t e d p l e a s u r e .

How to converse with refectory staff of foreign extraction F R E N C H

I T A L I A N

S P A N I S H

Do you serve indigestion tablets with every course?

V o u s devriez servir entre chaque plat des pilules contre les m a u x d'estomac.

C o n ogni portata servite anche delle pasticche d i g e stive ?

i S i r v e n pastillas digestivas c o n cada c o m i d a ?

When I want a cold meal I will ask for one.

Je vous le d i r a i , lorsque je voudrais manger f r o i d !

Se voglio u n pasto d i solito lo o r d i n o .

C u a n d o quiera u n frio se lo pedire.

Was this omelette made pterodactyl eggs?

with

D i t e s - d o n c , c'est des oeufs de plesiosaure q u ' i l y a dans cette omelette?

Questa frittata e stata fatta c o n uova d i dinosauro?

i H a hecho esta tortilla con huevos de pterodactilo?

Frozen food should be de-frosted before you serve it.

Je vois que vous n'avez pas eu le temps de degivrer cette n o u r r i t u r e .

P r i m a d i servire i c i b i surgelati bisogna sghi acciarli.

L o s alimentos congelados hay que descongelarlos a n tes de servir.

May I have another plate for the maggots ?

D o n n e z - m o i done une c u vette p o u r y mettre les vers!

M i darebbe u n piatto parte per i v e r m i ?

i T i e n e otro plato dejar los gusanos?

para

Do you supply a magnifying glass with your meals ?

11 me faut une loupe p o u r trouver ce que vous me servez!

C o n i suoi pasti da anche una lente d i i n g r a d i m e n t o ?

c N o dan una l u p a , con la c o m i d a ?

junto

That fly looks extremely cooked.

Oh la belle mouche! C ' q u ' e l l e est bi e n c u i t e !

Q u e l l a mosca e cotta alia perfezione.

Esta mosca esta m u y bi e n guisada.

Get your dirty thumb out of the soup.

S o r t e z - m o i ce gros de m a soupe!

T o l g a i l suo s u d i c i o dalla m i n e s t r a .

dito

Saque el dedo gordo de la sopa.

Did you have a recipe for this or did it just accumulate from the left-overs ?

D i t e s - d o n c , vous l'avez fait a partir d'une recette, ou bien vous avez simplement accomode les restes?

Questo piatto e cucinato secondo una ricetta o sono degli avanzi messi insieme?

<Este plato lo hacen con receta, o con las sobras de los demas?

That sauce looks very artisticâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; just like paint.

C'est de la belle sauce artistique, on dirait de la peinture.

Q u e l l a salsa ha u n aspetto veramente artistico, sembra vernice.

E s t a salsa es m u y artistica, parece p i n t u r a .

Has the electricity been cut off. I asked for a hot meal.

V o u s n'avez p l u s de feu? J ' a i demande u n plat c h a u d .

E mancata la corrente? volevo u n pasto caldo.

<Les han cortado la l u z ? H e pedido u n plato caliente.

How many times have you heated up this meal?

C o m b i e n de fois vous l'avez deja rechauffe, ce plat?

Q u a n t e volte e stata r i s c a l data questa pietanza?

i C u a n t a s veces ha recalentado este plato ?

Has the cook been having a bath in this soup?

P o u a h ! C.a de la soupe ? O n dirait que le chef s'est lave les pieds l a - d e d a n s !

I n questa min es tra ha fatto il bagno i l cuoco?

i Se ha banado el cocinero en esta sopa?

well-

pouce

freddo

plato

Why don't you try employing a chef instead of a washer-up to do the cooking ?

E t si vous e m p l o y i e z u n chef, plutot q u ' u n p l o n geur, p o u r faire votre c u i sine?

Perche n o n impiega u n cuoco per cucinare invece d i u n o sguattero?

(POT que no a l q u i l a n un cocinero en lugar de u n pin c he para hacer la comida ?

Now get someone who can add up to total that bill.

M a i n t e n a n t , allez me c h e r cher q u e l q u ' u n q u i sache faire p r o p r e m e n t une a d dition.

E d ora c h i a m i q u a l c u no che i l conto lo sa fare.

i N o hay nadie que sumar la nota?

How many pebple chewed this before I got it?

V o u s l'avez donne a macher a tou* le m o n d e , avant de me servir?

Questo, quanta gente lo ha gia masticato?

i C u a n t o s clientes lo han masticado antes que yo?

sepa

k n o w n College nobodies a n d hushed whispers of excitement circulated as the B a r o n Flowers a n d his good lady wife arrived on the scene. A m i d s t the heady chit-chat the effervescent first lady was heard proclaiming how well the College W i v e s ' stall at the R a g Fete had done. A t this point B r i a n w o k e up and piped "so it should have . . . I made the j a m . "

B.B.

Wolffe

D o n M o n r o has also been very busy in recent weeks following the controversy of the r e d i s t r i b u t i o n of w o m e n i n t h e H a l l s of Residence. T h e Senior W a r d e n was rightly c o n c e r n e d that Residence C o m m i t t e e should act o n an informed basis a n d quickly prepared a questionnaire o n the topic for distribution in the Halls a n d H o u s e s . T o avoid the possibility of one side or the other (for whatever reason) copying the forms a n d unfairly weighting the results, he set about the task of individually stamping the forms with a different n u m b e r . It was not until he was stamping the very last form however, that it was pointed out to h i m that he was stamping the top half of the form aboue the "tear off and r e t u r n " slip.

Slwkv a Leg I-see that s o m e b o d y has written an article o n F r e e m a s o n r y in this issue. W h a t a surprise it was to me (a mere W a t e r Buffalo) that s u c h things actually happen in College! I m e a n , I c a n hardly imagine any of the top C o l l e g e k n o b s like B r i a n a n d V i c t o r roaming a r o u n d half n a k e d chanting a load of m u m b o - j u m b o . It strikes me that it might be a bit of fun w h e n you've had a few too many, but d o they really take it seriously enough to partake in all this cloak a n d dagger nonsense? A n y w a y , I k n o w for a fact that the handshake business is completely w r o n g , as I o n c e saw a retired captain and a M a c D o n a l d s chef swapping s u c h niceties at a party. H e r e ' s a friend a n d I demonstrating the real grip.

Anckm Away I was most surprised at all the fuss the editor has been m a k i n g over this C a p t a i n Lindley fellow. T h e last thing I remember hearing about h i m was that he was rushing a r o u n d telling V i c t o r M o o n e y to slap a writ o n the paper following the N e w Y e a r ' s H o n o u r s s h o c k e r . Reading between the lines o n the issues that I've missed, I gained the impression that people aren't too sure of w h o he is or exactly what he does. A s D o m e s t i c S e c r e t a r y he's employed to ensure that everything's ship shape a n d Bristol fashion in the domestic section (which includes B o o k i n g s , C l e a n i n g Services, Messengers a n d Refectories). S o m e of the staff in Sherfield seem to think he's also that white bearded chap who advertises fish fingers o n the b o x (Captain Birdseye?) but there's not a scrap of truth in the r u m o u r I c a n tell you! H i s big thing seems to be " M e e t I C " , the C o l l e g e ' s P R job o n the local residents. Basically the idea is that we wheel in a few of the geriatrics from the locale, fill 'em up with food a n d wine, s h o w them a few displays in the J C R a n d then pray to G o d that they don't c o m p l a i n when you're blasting M o t o r h e a d at 50 watts per channel from y o u r b e d r o o m a n d urinating o n their geraniums! T h e old salt seems a little confused about the whole affair though. H e was under the impression that about five h u n d r e d people were due to attend the recent do, but only one hundred^ and seventeen had actually a c c e p t e d invitations. Imagine h o w the p o o r exhibitors in the J C R felt after spending many hours preparing their displays. A p p a r e n t l y so few people actually turned up that M a r t i n P a r s o n s ( M r M o o n e y ' s understudy) was seen wandering a r o u n d pressing wine o n any strangers in the vicinity of the buffet. T h e r e was so m u c h wine flowing that even J o h n P a s s m o r e couldn't manage it by himself! A n y w a y , as his title suggests, he is well versed in nautical matters a n d is quite often seen trimming his sail a n d setting off o n some vital mission or other. W h e n at a party with the M e w s residents o n c e , he was most embar rassed when s o m e o n e strolled over a n d said loudly " W h y it's Petty Officer L i n d l e y ! " W h e t h e r this was a statement of rank or a c o m m e n t o n his attitudes remains uncertain.

SUcfey

Q u i c k as a flash he s u m m o n e d forth an example of characteristic wit. " O h shit!" he said, stamping the last form.

Jilted Jpfm J o h n P a s s m o r e ' s part in the redistribution of w o m e n in H a l l saga p r o m p t e d one w r y c o m m e n t from D o n M o n r o . K n o w i n g J o h n is keen to be a subwarden next year when he takes o n a P h D , he quipped " W e l l , he c a n forget Beit I suppose!" S u b s e q u e n t l y it a p p e a r s t h a t J o h n h a s actually applied for a subwardenship, but in M i n i n g H o u s e (more his league I suppose). H a v i n g been the greatest I C U President in l i v i n g m e m o r y a n d k n o w i n g m o s t of t h e selection committee, he naturally a s s u m e d that he w o u l d have a " g o o d c h a n c e " of getting the job. Imagine my surprise then, when a very g o o d source told me that when interviewed he was considered " a complete a n d utter prat". T h e job was given to s o m e o n e else.

N e w s has reached m y ears of the s o r d i d goings-on in the U n i o n Office. O n the day of the D e r b y not only was J o h n (I did it my way) Passmore off getting pissed as usual, but matronly administrator J e n H a r d y - S m i t h was running a b o o k ! W e l l , it was only a sweepstake really, and I gather that " N a p " H a r d y - S m i t h joyfully set about the task of m a t c h i n g the names of punters to their horses by drawing n a m e s w r i t t e n o n p i e c e s of p a p e r o u t of alternate hats. W h e n Rae Snee and C h r i s t i n e Teller were a s k e d to dr a w , a peculiar situation arose w h e n Rae drew C h r i s t i n e Teller's name from the " n a m e s " hat. A l l the bets were that C h r i s s y would return the compliment when she drew the horse!

Wfo pdh t k bbwm i*t College? It c a m e as no surprise to me that someone has at last d r a w n attention to the similarity between C a p t a i n W h i t e a n d C o l o n e l Lindley (see letters page). F o r some weeks now 1 have had this feeling that a scandal would s o o n break in the higher orders. Imagine my h o r r o r

when I discovered that B r i a n himself is the spitting image of C a p t a i n Scarlet's sidekick, Lieutenant G r e e n . If all the top College bods turn out to be w o o d e n h e a d e d marionettes, then who's really in charge? L e t ' s h o p e that it's not C o l o n e l W h i t e !

Fwqm

Senior W a r d e n a n d well-known socialite D o n M o n r o threw a wild beef-steak party at the back of W e e k s Hall a few weeks ago. D o n (Kermit to his friends) invited all the well

Brian

Lieutenant

Green

j t Meet Primelia College After Captain Birdseye, the Domesticated Secretary of Primelia College, had stood and counted all the people uisiting 'Meet PC he decided to get a more detailed I breakdown of their number. Amble, Bumble, Crumble and ] Drudge were each in charge of a stall, and the good Captain asked Amble how many visitors each of the four

In the first Scaramouche puzzle this term, I described the intriguing telephone system in the j East European town of Kuratowskigrad. You will remember that there is no central telephone exchange, and you can only phone one house from another if there is an independent underground cable joining the two houses. No cables cross, and no cable passes under a house; each cable serves only the two houses at its ends. Now when I set the puzzle, I mentioned that a friend who lives in the town 'proudly informed me that he is connected to six of his friends, and no | one in the town is connected to less than five ^ others' . This means there must be at least | fourteen houses in the town (see diagram). But | my friend has since written to point out a slight j inaccuracy: while I was right in saying that no one | is connected to less thanfiveothers, I should j have said that my friend is the on/y person , connected to exactly six others. (

] stalls had had. "Well," replied Amble, "the product of the four

numbers

is 270. No stall had fewer visitors than mine, and each of

the people visiting the exhibition came to just one of our four

stalls."

"I'm afraid you haven't given me enough retorted can't

the Captain

even deduce

"You're

information,"

after only a brief week's reflection, "I the four

number belongs to which

numbers,

let alone

which

stall."

quite right; let me also say that the

between the numbers

of Bumble's

visitors and

I "f Kurafoussfcisrad

difference Crumble's

So now what is the smallest number of houses , there could be in Kuratowskigrad? Show your | answer is possible by drawing a possible network of telephone lines.

visitors is at least as large as the number of people who did

not visit Bumble's stall." But this was all too much for Captain Birdseye, whose stomach was recalling a particularly choppy night on the Isle of Wight ferry. But that was his own fault, as Amble had given him enough information to deduce the numbers of visitors to each of the four stalls. How many?

Spelling B Or, in the case of most of the FELIX staff, spelling b awful. Here are a few of my favourite words whose spelling is somewhat surprising. How many of them are correctly spelt here? (Okay, so I'm a peddant.) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; â&#x20AC;˘

liquefy iridescent rarefy inoculation putrefy mars (disfigures) stupefy consensus liquefaction loth (unwilling) rarefaction supersede putrefaction stupefaction

Which of the following poker hands is the best to hold in an ordinary game of pokerPWhich is the worst? Whichhands I are of equal strength? The game is being played with an ordinary 52-card pack and there are no wild cards. (AS means ace of spades, etc.) fa) AS AH AD KS KH AS AH AD QS QC AS AH AD QS QH AS AH AD 6S 6C AH AD

B l a n c h e a n d M e l a n i e were d e e p in thought over a c h e s s g a m e w h e n W o d g e entered the r o o m a n d w a n d e r e d over to the b o a r d to w a t c h . B l a n c h e , as u s u a l , was white a n d after a few m i n u t e s t h o u g h t , she p l a y e d a move, g i v i n g the p o s i t i o n s h o w n in the d i a g r a m . W i t h m o r e t h a n his c u s t o m a r y po l i t e n e s s , W o d g e w a i t e d till the g a m e was over before he started m a k i n g c o m m e n t s . " D i d y o u realise that from the p o s i t i o n w h e n I entered the r o o m , B l a n c h e c o u l d f o r c e mate in three m o v e s ? " he e n q u i r e d . M e l a n i e l o o k e d s u s p i c i o u s . " D o e s it use any of the funny, o b s c u r e rules of c h e s s ? " Wodge laughed, "the only 'funny' rules, as y o u call t h e m , are c a s t l i n g and the en p a s s a n t rule, a n d neither of t h e m is p a r t i c u l a r l y o b s c u r e or difficult; they're just a little s u r p r i s i n g w h e n y o u c o m e a c r o s s them u n e x p e c t e d l y in p u z z l e s . B u t there's no en passant involved h e r e . " " W h a t about c a s t l i n g ? " "I t h i n k y o u ' v e h a d e n o u g h c l u e s , " g r i n n e d W o d g e . " L e t ' s see y o u find this mate in t h r e e . " What was the position when W o d g e entered the r o o m ? What m o v e d i d B l a n c h e p l a y ? What s h o u l d she have p l a y e d ? A n d how d i d W o d g e d e d u c e that this leads to mate in t h r e e ? ' M a t e in three', of c o u r s e , means that W h i t e p l a y s a m o v e , t h e n B l a c k , then White, then B l a c k , a n d then White mates. Melanie (Black)

2Hi

amble

And here's my third end-of-term puzzle page, and welcome to it! As before, the puzzles are of two types. Unmarked puzzles are for amusement only. They're on the easy side, but that doesn't mean they're trivial, and if the answer to the poker puzzle opposite seems obvious, then think again! The sworded puzzles each carry a ÂŁ2 prize which will be awarded to the first correct solution opened at 1:00pm on the first day of next term. In addition, for the person who answers the most prize puzzles correctly, there is a cash bonus of ÂŁ2, plus a ÂŁ10 voucher redeemable at Mend-a Bike. If there is a tie for this prize, then I will use 'Kuratowskigrad Revisited' as a tie-breaker, and award the prize to the person who finds the smallest number of houses. Incidentally, I've no idea what the smallest possible value is; I'll award the prize to the person who submits a correct solution with the lowest number of houses. M a n y thanks again to Pete and W i l l , the managers of Mend-a-Bike, for their continuing

mXmX

mm m

Blanche'

(White)

generosity, to G r e y S p i d e r for the c h e s s p u z z l e , to G e r a l d D o n o v a n for s o m e of the easy o n e s , a n d to S t e v e for the t r i c h r o m a t i c s . A n s w e r s to the s w o r d e d p u z z l e s , as u s u a l , to m e c / o F E L I X Office. T h e c o r r e c t s o l u t i o n s will a p p e a r in the first F E L I X of n e x t t e r m . A n s w e r s to last w e e k ' s p u z z l e , the P h o e n i x p u z z l e , a n d s o m e of the u n m a r k e d p u z z l e s o n this page are s o m e w h e r e else in this F E L I X . ( S o r r y w e c a n ' t b e m o r e s pec ific, but w e didn't k n o w w h e r e t h e r e w o u l d be r o o m at the time of p r i n t i n g this page!)

Y A Helping Hand in College? F o l l o w i n g the r e c e n t c o n t r o v e r s y o v e r the P2 L o d g e i n Italy a n d the a l m o s t inevitable c o r r u p t i o n that follows after all the higher e c h e l o n s of a s o c i e t y d e d i c a t e t h e m s e l v e s t o p e r p e t u a t i n g their o w n i n t e r e s t s , t h e E d i t o r d e c i d e d t o investigate t h e part F r e e m a s o n r y p l a y s i n t h e r u n n i n g of I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e . T h es u b j e c t o f F r e e m a s o n r y is, b y its v e r y n a t u r e , p o o r l y publicised and there can be few nonF r e e m a s o n s w h o h a v e a n y k n o w l e d g e of the C r a f t itself, let a l o n e i t s influence i n t h e College. T h i s article attempts to shed a little light o n b o t h , b u t c a n n o t h o p e t o b e definitive. B e l o n g i n g t o a m a s o n i c l o d g e s h o u l d n o t b e t h o u g h t of a s a c r i m e . T h e a u t h o r feels that while the t r u e c o n c e p t o f m a s o n r y itself is n o t n e c e s s a r i l y a p o i n t o f c o n t e n t i o n , it d o e s i n d e e d p r o v i d e a m e a n s of c o r r u p t i o n . T h e popularised view amongst nonF r e e m a s o n s is that M a s o n s are a g r o u p of p e o p l e w h o w a n d e r r o u n d f r o m t o p job t o t o p j o b b y s i m p l y k n o w i n g the right s e c r e t handshake, and prance a r o u n d half-naked w h e n b e i n g initiated i n t o the L o d g e . T h e p o p u l a r i s e d v i e w a m o n g s t M a s o n s is that n o n - M a s o n s h a v e n o idea w h a t the s e c r e t h a n d s h a k e is ('cos it's s e c r e t ) a n d c o u l d n ' t possibly k n o w what happens during a M a s o n ' s initiation. W e l l , the former d e s c r i p t i o n is n o t far f r o m t h e t r u t h a n d the latter s t a t e m e n t is w a y off t h e m a r k a s M a s o n i c literature may be obtained with (relative) ease. ( S e e o t h e r s o u r c e s of r e f e r e n c e s list at end.) T h e M a s o n i c C r a f t is b a s e d o n K i n g S o l o m o n ' s T e m p l e ; all references i n the initiation c e r e m o n i e s a n d c u r i o u s p a s s w o r d s are d e r i v e d f r o m this s o u r c e a n d m a y b e r e a d a b o u t qu i te freely i n W a l t o n H a n n a h ' s Visible. e x c e l l e n t b o o k Darkness W a l t o n H a n n a h (a n o n - F r e e m a s o n ) , w h o is n o w i n C a n a d a , r e s e a r c h e d t h e b o o k while he w a sa C h u r c h m a n based in Queensgate, i n conjunction with a senior m e m b e r of t h e a c a d e m i c staff at I C . M r H a n n a h o b t a i n e d i n f o r m a t i o n by p o s i n g as a M a s o n utilising M a s o n i c r o b e s s o l d off b y a M a s o n ' s w i d o w . A n e n l i g h t e n i n g b o o k , well w o r t h a r e a d if y o u c a n find a c o p y . O n first i m p r e s s i o n s , F r e e m a s o n s might be r e g a r d e d as k i d s w h o h a v e n o t yet g r o w n up. Freemasonry cannot be dismissed s o easily w h e n o n e realises t h e r e are o v e r half a m i l l i o n F r e e m a s o n s in G r e a t B r i t a i n alon e. M o s t o c c u p y s e n i o r j o b s a n d are p l e d g e d t o help one another out when " i n need", even though the individuals may be complete strangers to each other. T h e y recognise one a n o t h e r firstly b y a U n i v e r s a l H a n d s h a k e , m o r e c o r r e c t l y c a l l e d the " F i r s t D e g r e e " o r " E n t e r e d A p p r e n t i c e " handshake (see below) a n dthen later by dropping f o r m a t i o n s o f w o r d s f r o m the M a s o n i c ritual i n t o e v e r y d a y c o n v e r s a t i o n , eg r e f e r e n c e t o a knife a n d f o r k in a r e s t a u r a n t as " w o r k i n g t o o l s " . T h e r e a r e e v e n M a s o n i c ge s tu r es

THE FIRST DEGREE GRIP: recognised by all masons as the Notice that the thumb presses into the first joint of the handshake. where it meets the hand.

w h i c h t o the u n s u s p e c t i n g n o n - F r e e m a s o n w o u l d go totally u n n o t i c e d , eg d r a w i n g o n e ' s glass a c r o s s t h e t h r o a t before d r i n k i n g , w h i c h is a n extension of a "cut my throat a n d h o p e t o d i e " p e n a l sign of the F i r s t Degree. H o w a M a s o n " u s e s " his massive c o l l e c t i o n of " c o n n e c t i o n s " d e p e n d s , of c o u r s e , o n the i n d i v i d u a l ' s p e r s o n a l i t y . O n o n e h a n d , F r e e m a s o n r y is a large, v e r y a c t i v e s o c i a l c l u b that c o l l e c t s m o n e y f o r c h a r i t y a n d p r o v i d e s funds f o r a h o s p i t a l (the R o y a l M a s o n i c H o s p i t a l â&#x20AC;&#x201D; t h e r e is o n e near H a m l e t G a r d e n s ) , b u t o n the o t h e r it c a n b e s e e n as a n unfair r o u t e t o p o s i t i o n s which would be harder to reach by c o n v e n t i o n a l m e a n s a n d , at a n e x t r e m e , d o w n r i g h t c o r r u p t i o n as i n Italy. I have m e n t i o n e d the " D e g r e e " of F r e e m a s o n r y . T h e r e are t h r e e m a i n levels of the Craft, " F i r s t D e g r e e " or " E n t e r e d Apprentice"; "Second Degree" or "FellowC r a f t " ; " T h i r d D e g r e e " or " M a s t e r M a s o n " . A f t e r this c o m e s the " R o y a l A r c h " , but I will not dwell o n this here. M a s o n s of all degrees may belong to t h e same L o d g e , w h i c h u s u a l l y o p e n s its c e r e m o n i e s i n the F i r s t D e g r e e (at w h i c h S e c o n d a n d T h i r d D e g r e e M a s o n s are p r e s e n t ) . T h e L o d g e o r M a s o n i c T e m p l e s h o u l d ideally b e i n t h e f o r m of a d o u b l e c u b e facing E a s t a n d W e s t . T h e h e a d of t h e L o d g e , t h e W o r s h i p f u l M a s t e r , sits i n t h e E a s t . H i s e m b l e m , the S t o n e M a s o n s t e e - s q u a r e is usually c a r v e d or painted o n his pedestal. T h e M a s o n i c s y m b o l s of a s q u a r e a n d c o m p a s s e s usually rest o n a c u s h i o n w i t h the V o l u m e of S a c r e d Law. The Worshipful Master's direct s u b o r d i n a t e , t h e S e n i o r W a r d e n sits o p p o s i t e i n the W e s t . T h e J u n i o r W a r d e n (with p l u m b line e m b l e m ) sits in the S o u t h .

universal forefinger

T h e n w e h a v e P a s t M a s t e r s , the S e n i o r a n d J u n i o r D e a c o n s a n d the Inner G u a r d . T h e s e are the " o f f i c e r s " of a M a s o n i c L o d g e a n d c o n t r o l a l l of i t s f u n c t i o n s a n d a r e i n s t r u m e n t a l i n t h e initiation of a new C a n d i d a t e t o the L o d g e . O u t s i d e the t e m p l e stands the Tyler, the outer guard to the meeting w h o helps candidates dress for initiation a n d " f e n d s off" i n t r u d e r s . T h e ordinary M a s o n s wear aprons to indicate their D e g r e e . T h e F i r s t is of plain white l a m b s k i n , the S e c o n d is the s a m e b u t w i t h t w o blue r o s e t t e s i n the l o w e r c o r n e r s a n d the T h i r d is b o r d e r e d w i t h b l u e , h a s m e t a l tassles a n d a t h i r d r o s e t te i n the point of the flap. Office b e a r e r s w e a r jewels a n d e m b l e m s of their office f r o m c o l l a r s of blue silk. A different floor c o v e r i n g (a " t r a c i n g b o a r d " ) is laid d o w n d e p e n d e n t o n w h i c h D e g r e e the L o d g e is c o n d u c t i n g its b u s i n e s s in. W h e n t h e L o d g e t r a n s f e r s f r o m F i r s t D e g r e e t o S e c o n d D e g r e e it d o e s s o t o the e x c l u s i o n of the F i r s t D e g r e e M a s o n s , w h o are a s k e d t o leave. T h e r e are r e c o g n i s a b l e h a n d s h a k e s of t h e v a r i o u s d e g r e e s , a n d these are u s e d d u r i n g the rituals; the F i r s t Degree grip being recognised by A L L M a s o n s is often T H E M a s o n ' s grip. P h o t o g r a p h s illustrating t h e S e c o n d a n d T h i r d D e g r e e grips are s h o w n b e l o w . Besides the p o p u l a r i s e d h a n d s h a k e s , there are signs a n d ge s tu r es r a n g i n g f r o m penal t o t h e " S i g n of S y m p a t h y " a n d p a s s w o r d s u s e d i n the rituals. M e m b e r s h i p is b y i n v i t a t i o n o n t h e r e c o m m e n d a t i o n o f a M a s o n . If t h e candidate (who should be over twenty-one and male) accepts he undergoes a n initiation c e r e m o n y d u r i n g w h i c h he is b l i n d f o l d e d , m a d e t o roll u p his left t r o u s e r

p r i c e is s o c h e a p " . W e a s k e d M r M o o n e y d i r e c t l y if he w a s a M a s o n a n d he d e n i e d a n y s u g g e s t i o n that he w a s . H o w e v e r , if he were a M a s o n he w o u l d be u n d e r o a t h n o t t o d i v u l g e the fact to u s . It is a w e l l - k n o w n fact that M r M o o n e y o f t e n b o o k s d i n n e r s i n the S h e r f i e l d B u i l d i n g u n d e r the n a m e of " T h e White Lodge Golf C l u b " . M r M o o n e y does not play golf (see F E L I X i n t e r v i e w N o . 569) a n d the a f o r e m e n t i o n e d golf c l u b is i n f a c t a M a s o n i c L o d g e . If M r M o o n e y is n o t a l r e a d y a F r e e m a s o n , t h e n p e r h a p s he w o u l d like to be. F o r the G r a n d L o d g e t o c h o o s e I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e in w h i c h to dine I c a n o n l y t h i n k that they are getting a v e r y g o o d de a l i n d e e d . M a n y t o p officials in the S h e r f i e l d B u i l d i n g are F r e e m a s o n s . T h e y m o s t l y b e l o n g to the Hammersmith Arts and Sciences Lodge. ( T h i s is c u r i o u s s i n ce d i n n e r s are b o o k e d u n d e r the G o l f C l u b â&#x20AC;&#x201D; s u r e l y s o m e o n e in C o l l e g e b e l o n g s to fhis L o d g e ? ) T h e " C o l l e g e L o d g e " is quite a c t i v e . It h o l d s r e g u l a r m e e t i n g s in its T e m p l e â&#x20AC;&#x201D; t h e Q u i e t R o o m i n the b a s e m e n t of t h e S h e r f i e l d B u i l d i n g . It is qu i te p o s s i b l e t o c a t c h g l i m p s e s of w e l l - k n o w n C o l l e g e figures in M a s o n i c regalia if y o u w a n d e r o u t of the S h e r f i e l d g r o u n d level toilets b a c k e n t r a n c e d o w n t o the Q u i e t R o o m . If y o u ' r e very l u c k y , y o u might even c a t c h a glimpse of a n initiate ( 4 0 0 A S A f i l m , a v o i d flash a n d s e n d i m m e d i a t e l y to F E L I X for hefty payment!) N o t so l o n g a g o , the Islamic S o c i e t y w e r e p r e v e n t e d f r o m utilising the Q u i e t R o o m as a p r a y e r r o o m ! R u m o u r s a b o u n d of a M a s o n i c influence b u t I'm qu i te c o n v i n c e d they have no factual basis. I n c i d e n t a l l y , the t w o c l e a n e r s ' c u p b o a r d s near the Q u i e t R o o m ( w h i c h t h e c l e a n e r s d o n ' t h a v e a k e y to) are u s e d for s t o r i n g M a s o n i c r e g a l i a . A n d n e x t to the Q u i e t R o o m is a s n o o k e r r o o m w h i c h is u n d o u b t edly p u t to g o o d use o n a L o d g e night.

leg a b o v e the k n e e a n d right s l e e v e , a r o p e n o o s e is h u n g r o u n d his n e c k a n d his left breast bared. A l l metal objects are r e m o v e d f r o m his p e r s o n (see b e l o w ) . D u r i n g t h e i n i t i a t i o n he is t o l d t h e " s e c r e t s " of M a s o n r y (grips, p a s s w o r d s , etc) a n d t h e n he pledges a n o a t h o n the B i b l e w h i c h if he b r e a k s m a y result in h i m h a v i n g his t h r o a t c u t , his t o n g u e t o r n o u t , his left b r e a s t laid o p e n , his b o d y s e v e r e d in t w o a n d b o w e l s b u r n e d t o a s h e s , his h e a d c u t off, h i s right h a n d c u t off a n d s l u n g o v e r his left s h o u l d e r to w i t h e r a n d die. It m a y all s o u n d v e r y silly b u t it s e e m s to be a n a d u l t g a m e w o r t h p l a y i n g for the benefits it r e a p s if the n u m b e r of F r e e m a s o n s high in the College administration s t r u c t u r e is a n y t h i n g t o go by. It is of great i n t e r e s t that the M a s o n i c D i n n e r s , w h i c h u p until e a r l y this y e a r w e r e h e l d at the B r i t i s h M a s o n i c H e a d q u a r t e r s in G r e a t Q u e e n Street, have n o w been shifted t o the r e f e c t o r y in the S h e r f i e l d B u i l d i n g . T h i s m e a n s that F r e e m a s o n s f r o m all o v e r the c o u n t r y c o m e to I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e to eat! I a m informed by a M a s o n w h o travels four h u n d r e d miles to attend these dinners that " t h e f o o d is s i m p l y e x c e l l e n t a n d the

S o w h a t d o e s it all m e a n . W h a t ' s w r o n g w i t h the C o l l e g e d i g n i t o r i e s d r e s s i n g u p a n d p l a y i n g in a n u n d i g n i f i e d m a n n e r , h a v i n g a few b e e r s a n d a few s m o k e s in the s n o o k e r r o o m . A b s o l u t e l y n o t h i n g ! B u t is that all t h e r e is to it? L e t m e c o n c l u d e b y a s k i n g a c o u p l e of q u e s t i o n s : H o w c a n I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e c a t e r i n g be r e c o g n i s e d b y r e p r e s e n t a t i v e s of o v e r half a m i l l i o n B r i t i s h F r e e m a s o n s as the best de a l i n t e r m s of q u a l i t y a n d p r i c e of f o o d , e v e n b e t t e r t h a n the c a t e r i n g it c a n p r o v i d e itself at the G r e a t Q u e e n S t r e e t h e a d q u a r t e r s ? W h i c h p e o p l e in C o l l e g e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n are holding posts purely and simply b e c a u s e t h e y are F r e e m a s o n s a n d n o t o n a n y p r o v e n ability?

S o u r c e s of R e f e r e n c e : Darkness Visible by W a l t o n H a n n a h Freemasonry Exposed and Explained by W i l l i a m M o r g a n (1826). ( P u b l i c a t i o n of this b o o k led to its a u t h o r ' s m u r d e r . ) H a s b e e n reprinted. Why Shouldn't Walton Hannah

1 Be

Freemason

T h e r e are m a n y M a s o n i c t e x t s s u p p o s e d l y u n d e r s t o o d o n l y by F r e e m a s o n s â&#x20AC;&#x201D; a list a n d longer list of g e n e r a l r e f e r e n c e s is g i v e n in Darkness Visible.

The Shape of Things to Come by next year's

editor

The retiring editor has kindly donated the space to me in order to express m y plans for the c o m i n g year. I would like to outline the major events in chronological order. PG FEUX There will be one P G F E L I X only on Friday, August 7. C o p y deadline for that issue will be Wedn es day , July 29. I hope to spend a great deal of time over the s u m m e r p r e p a r i n g feature articles for the c o m i n g year, w h i c h I feel are greatly needed. This means that I will only have time for one issue, so I hope y o u do not take this as an early sign of laziness. If any of you P G s have some bright ideas for articles then please c o m e in and see me. I'd like to see a lot of w o r k by y o u in this issue. Freshers' FELIX C o p y deadline for the F r e s h e r s ' F E L I X is Wedn es day , S e p t e m b e r 23. Please ensure that any articles reach the office, by that date. I cannot guarantee inclusion of any piece, but shall consider each on their merits as space is limited. I would like to remind the publicity officers of clubs and societies that I do not want a repetition of H a n d b o o k articles. Y o u r articles s h o u l d o n l y i n c l u d e n e w s of r e c r u i t m e n t events and the activities of the first few weeks. I would also like to remind those people who were too lazy or inefficient to contribute their articles to the H a n d b o o k that they will not be given an opportunity to use Freshers' F E L I X as a substitute.

RCS Centenary T h e r e will be a special i s s u e o n F r i d a y, N o v e m b e r 27 to celebrate the R C S C e n t e n a r y , w h i c h will coincide with the C e n t e n a r y Ball. This will include a history of the R C S and also any other interesting items I c a n find. FEUX 600th Issue A l l b e i n g w e l l , the s i x - h u n d r e d t h issue of F E L I X will be on Friday, D e c e m b e r 11. This will hopefully be a bumper C h r i s t m a s number too and will include articles on the foundation and history of F E L I X . Imperial College 75th Anniversary This takes place in July 1982. I have no plans as yet.

Puzzle from Last

0 0 3 0 6 3 5

Solutions T h e solution to the last puzzle should be selfe x p l a n a t o r y . T h e p r i z e w i n n e r is A d r i a n T o t t e n h a m , C h e m E n g P G , and he can collect his prize from the F E L I X Office o n M o n d a y afternoon. T h e P h o e n i x puzzle was rather trickier. A t s o m e stage in the game, the position s h o w n in the diagram was reached, B l a c k just having played B — Q 4 check. W h i t e b l o c k e d the check with P — B 4 , w h e r e u p o n B l a c k played P x P en passant, d o u b l e c h e c k . W h i t e then destroyed the evidence by playing K x P , and at this stage the king was k n o c k e d from the board. I received correct entries from A n d r e w Britton, D a m i a n H a s s a n and J o h n M u r p h y , and of these A n d r e w B r i t t o n was chosen as the winner. H e now goes o n to the s e c o n d part of the competition, w h i c h involves finding S e a n G i b l i n , a n d persuading h i m to hand over the £10 prize. G o o d luck!

5 6 4 0 3 4 2

4 2 4 6 5 5 6

1 1 2 0 4 2 5

Phoenix

6 5 5 6 5 3 0

Edition

1 1 6 6 2 2 1

3 3 4 1 0 1 |2

4 0 4 1 3 3 2

Puzzle

m H

II HP

A t t e n t i o n all P G s ! N o w I k n o w that y o u ' r e all v e r y b u s y l o u n g i n g a r o u n d a n d d r i n k i n g coffee all d a y , but I t h i n k that y o u c a n s p a r e a little time to c o n t r i b u t e to the P G F E L I X o n A u g u s t 7. A f t e r a l l , it will be m y one a n d o n l y issue o v e r the s u m m e r a n d I'll n e e d to fill it u p w i t h s o m e t h i n g ! S o if y o u ' v e a n y i n t e r e s t i n g ideas for a r t i c l e s , o r p e r h a p s w a n t to write a letter or t w o , t h e n c o m e i n t o the office a n d d i s c u s s it w i t h m e . C o p y deadline is W e d n e s d a y J u l y 29. C o m e o n c h a p s , let's go!

College this year? Interested in k e e p i n g in t o u c h w i t h Leaving w h a t ' s g o i n g o n ? T h e n w h y n o t s u b s c r i b e to F E L I X for a year. F o r a m e r e £7.00 y o u c a n h a v e y o u r v e r y o w n c o p y of F E L I X d e l i v e r e d to y o u r d o o r e v e r y w e e k . ( S t u d e n t s living o v e r s e a s c a n a r r a n g e t o have F E L I X sent to t h e m as w e l l , b u t the rates will v a r y . ) If y o u are i n t e r e s t e d t h e n e n q u i r e at the F E L I X Office for f u r t h e r details o r r e t u r n the f o r m b e l o w :

P l e a s e , please, please s e n d me F E L I X for a year. I willingly enclose a £7 cheque/postal order/cash. Name Department A d d r e s s to w h i c h F E L I X s h o u l d be sent

Cheques payable to: ICU Publications

Board

(FELIX).

Lindley in the D o c k John William Gat butt Lindley, came to this College three years ago after a long career In to the the Royal Navy. He rose to the rank of Captain and was a Naval Aide-de-camp Queen. He was Flag Captain to the Flag Officer for Scotland and Northern Ireland and Commander of HMS Cochrane (usually known as Rosyth Naval Base). As Domestic Secretary he is in overall charge of many areas of College, eg Refectories, Halls of Residence, Security. So that students may gain a better knowledge of him, FELIX Is proud to present a telephone conversation with him which occured last November. The topic of discussion is the visit to College of Prince Phillip in connection with the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme. We had hoped to pad out the story with a few factual details concerning the visit and felt Captain Lindley might have been able to help us. The following text is a complete and accurate report of the ensuing conversation and contains the now infamous sentence concerning Captain Lindley's numeracy. We feel Captain Lindley says more about himself in this short exchange than we ever could! Good afternoon. I'm Sean Giblin from FELIX. I'd like to ask you some questions about the visit of the Duke of Edinburgh to College today. C o u l d we have some information which might be of interest to students for this week's FELIX? What is it that you want to know? We'd like to know why he was here, and something about the Duke of E d i n b u r g h Award scheme. .Well, at the moment, just a minute, I have secretary, and I'm right up to my eyes. I've time to deal with the matter. You're right, has been here all day, for the D u k e Edinburgh Award Scheme.

no no he of

(At this point some rowdies entered the FELIX Office. Mr Giblin asked to be excused to deal with them, and Capt Lindley put the phone down. Mr Giblin phoned back. The telephone rang fifty-eight times (we counted 'em!) without Capt Lindiey answering it. Mr Giblin tried again, and Capt Lindley picked it up immediately.) Captain Lindley Good afternoon. It's Sean Giblin again. I contacted Oh, never mind that Mr Butcher and then Miss O'Callaghan, who referred me to you. Look. At the moment I've got quite a few things. C a n you come over in the morning and have a quick chat? Well, I don't think there's enough time for that really, we'd like it in this week's issue if at all possible. What is it you want to know particularly? Well First of all, you must understand that we provide facilities, as it were, um, we're not involved in the detailed running of the thing. I mean, what they do, their programme and so on, they set up themselves. What was particularly interesting was that when I asked Miss O'Callaghan what was going on, she said that she had been told by the P a l a c e not to make any c o m m e n t whatsoever on the visit of Prince Phillip Now hang on., .hang on. Just a minute, just a minute. Let's get that in perspective. That's exactly what she said to me. Look, do you want to know what the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme is about? We've got enough information on that. What is particularly interesting is that why, when we asked for information from College, we were stonewalled. I've been in touch with the Press Association to ask them if they know anything about the Duke's visit to College, and they were most surprised when I said that we couldn't get any information from College

Well, look. What I'm going to do, is to talk about the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme, not what somebody said. All that happened was that y e s t e r d a y a f t e r n o o n we got a question about TV recording, and we had to ask whether this was, er, agreed with the organisers etc and the answer was No, they did not wish it to be done. Full stop. That's all it is. There's no mystery.

"Where do they come from?" I know, because I've got a list in front of me. It doesn't say they came from well, you know, Manchester, Glasgow and so on, but I'm not invovled in organising the conference.

So a statement that no additional press coverage is required is false?

Yes, that is correct, I'm sure, because I saw 'em, but as to where they came from, I don't know. We're simply not told that kind of information. But it's the Tenth General Council and Sixth International Conference 1980 and that's what we know. They were er it welcomed by the Rector, at 11:30am really isn't up to us. They run their own show, not us.

You telling me? Look, I'm not going to get involved in this kind of enquiryâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;you must come and see me. I do not conduct telephone conversations of this sort. I understand you w a n t e d me to talk a b o u t the D u k e of Edinburgh Award Scheme. That I am quite prepared to do. We'd like to know how long this event has been arranged for as well, for example, how long ago the J C R was booked. Oh, I can look that up. I don't know off hand, but it wasn't done five minutes ago, I can tell you. I mean it was done some time ago, and it was done properly. So there's no mystery about that either. Just to check a few facts, were there 550 visitors? I wouldn't know, I don't count 'em. Look what is we're trying to do? Do you want to know about the visit or not?

I had hoped you might have been able to tell me about foreign visitors. Were there any from abroad?

Is it common for this to happen? I would have thought that of all the people in College, you, Captain Lindley, would have been privy to the most detailed information available concerning what's going on. Of course we don't know. Why should you suppose that? But anyway, we're getting a long, long way from what we're talking about. Are we talking about the Duke of Edinburgh Award S c h e m e or not? I'm trying to be helpful. You're trying to lead me into various sorts of situations

You must understand

Well, I think, Captain Lindley, that you've got the wrong impression of

I'm not going to understand anything.

Have I?

any information that I've got has been obtained with great difficulty because of the apparent attitude in College block

people who write for FELIX.

There isn't an attitude in College block. Don't try and manufacture something where there isn't anything. There is no attitude at all. If you want to talk to me about the Duke of E d i n b u r g h Award S c h e m e , I'm perfectly happy so to do. If you start saying to me were there 550 visitors, the answer is I don't know, I don't stand and count 'em, and it's not up to me to count them either but there were quite a lot. Do you know roughly where they all came from? All over the country. And that satisfies your concern. You're not absolutely sure how many people are here Oh God, I don't know. If I'd got this information from somewhere else I wouldn't have had to bother you. Look. It isn't a question of bothering me. The Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme hired the Great Hall. I don't know how many people. We know roughly. I suppose if I went down and asked Mr Mobney how many for lunch etc, etc, he could probably tell me precisely. But I don't see quite what this does. You say

Look, I'm perfectly happy to help you if you want some information about the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme as far as I'm aware of it. But if you ask me who came from where and so on, they know, I don't. So people from outside IC can come in and have a conference and people in authority such as yourself don't actually know what is going on, and short of rough details No, no, no, no, no. That'snotwhat we'resaying, that's just not what we're saying. T o say that you don't know what's going on because you don't have a total list of every visitor, that's just not so. We have students there, we could talk about what the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme does and that sort of thing, but y o u know that a l r e a d y , if y o u ask me questions that I can answer, then I willingly will, but I do not want for a moment that you should feel that anybody is trying to suppress anything, because if you suggest that, then I'm sorry, but you've got the wrong end of the stick. I'm glad to hear that. It's just unfortunate that the only person in College who has actually said that is yourself. Thank you very much Captain Lindley. Goodbye.

Quotes of the Year The Ents Chairman had just explained that Ents could not advertise gigs outside of College as the G L C would not allow it. "Perhaps you could put them up and hope nobody notices them," retorted Ian Morse, the FELIX Printer.

" F u c k i n g Royalty! F u c k i n g Royalty! Fucking Royalty!"—J Passmore, on hearing Princess Anne had been elected as Chancellor of the University of London.

"For us ignoramuses—just what is a BSc?" W o r d s immortalised by former External Affairs Officer, Phil Cole, following ten minutes discussion o n the G r e e k B S c degree at Council.

"They wouldn't get out if they were in M Y police station"—Mr Reeves, Chief Security Officer, in reference to the R C S U mascotry vandals.

"I often have a leak while changing in the darkroom." Some obscure reference to light leaks while changing the FELIX typesetting paper by Maz Fellows. " C A R E F U L ! These are the only originals I've got"— S J Marshall. "I'm not as stupid as I l o o k " — S t e v e Goulder. Captain Lindley has a few nice catchphrases, eg "Now let's get this straight "; "No, let me correct you...."; "Look, we're not t r y i n g to h i d e a n y t h i n g " ; " W e can cooperate...."; "Let's talk sense...."

'They only give him 'Meet I C to stop him meddling in anything else' —Liz Lindsay.

" O h , I take it all with a pinch of salt"—a Mooney classic.

Imperial College has continued this season to be the foremost college in London University in the sporting field. The level of activity and i n t e r e s t in S p o r t at IC has r e m a i n e d high—this interest leading to many s u c cesses. Once again, the Boat Club has shown that IC is a force to be reckoned with in the rowing world and this kind of success can surely do IC's reputation no harm at all. The Football Club achieved a whitewash of the ULU leagues—winning all of them. Hockey Club achieved not only first and second place in the ULU League but a convincing win in their Middlesex L eag u e— mat ch i n g them against top class opposition next season. The Rugby Club's season has been marred by some heavy defeats from top class club opposition, but is still considered a force within L o n d o n C o l l e g e s — w h i l s t L a d i e s Rugby Club has continued from its promising start last season to eminence this season. Despite poor facilities, some of the indoor clubs have flourished this season and now the Volleyball Court seem to be sorted out (thanks to Nick) prospects are good for next session. Next year's officers have been elected and I would like to wish Lesley Good Luck as next year's Sports Editor and remind her of the FELIX motto "Keep the claws sharpened". Phil

tion. Unfortunately the heating system was being altered so some rooms were not very warm! A welcoming ceremony was held for the delegates in the U n i o n that a f t e r n o o n . W e were very pleased to have Prof Sutton present to welcome the students on behalf of the College. M r Alan Goodyear from U N E S C O was also present and he outlined his organisation's connection with the previous conferences. W o r k started on the Thursday with all the delegates split into their chosen working groups. The four topics which were discussed were: the Information Revolution; Transportation in an Energy Conscious Society; Educational Preparation for a Scientific or Technical Degree; and, the Role of Research in Universities. The organisers of each group managed to attract s o m e very d i s t i n g u i s h e d s p e a k e r s to contribute to the conferences. These people included D r Tony Ridley, Managing Director of London Transport, M r Paul Sieghart, a barrister concerned with Privacy Law. D r John Spice, Head of Nuffield Science Foundation and D r Waller of the National Research Development Corporation. The general procedure was for our students to introduce the topic and to guide the delegates into the various international aspects of the subject. Or. the Thursday evening the whole party headed into the West E n d for a visit to the theatre. The show which had been chosen, Euita, proved to be a very popular choice and the evening was rounded off by a trip through Soho. T h e w o r k i n g g r o u p s met again o n F r i d a y morning but in the afternoon the party split up ir. order to visit some companies. T h e visits which had been arranged were to G E C Computers Ltd at D u n s t a b l e a n d t h e F o r d M o t o r C o at Dagenham. Unfortunately the workers at Ford were on a 'go slow' so the delegates had a shortened visit. The G E C visit was very interesting and was well rounded off with a super afternoon tea! O n Saturday work started again but we were without our two Polish friends as they are supporters of

'Solidarity'! In the afternoon several delegates went to see Q P R play but I think they were disappointed through the lack of goals. That evening we held a dinner for the delegates in Southside. M r Peter Foster, Deputy Chairman of the Board of Governors, was our guest speaker and M r Alan Goodyear replied on behalf of the guests. Prof Sutton also attended the dinner and e v e r y o n e s e e m e d to enjoy the e v e n i n g . O n Sunday the group descended upon Silwood Park where we were received by M r Fisher, warden of the park. Following a super lunch at Silwood we headed back to London via Windsor where there was lots of time to visit the castle and have afternoon tea! Later that evening we all met in the U n i o n B a r where an international darts competition was held! Monday morning was back to work and in the a f t e r n o o n the delegates v i s i t e d B r i t i s h T e l e communications at Ipswich and the Metal B o x C o m p a n y at W a n t a g e . T h e s e w e r e b o t h very i n t e r e s t i n g visits a n d w e r e e n j o y e d by everyone. O n Tuesday the final reports were put together and were discussed by the group as a whole. A lot of very interesting information had been compiled and was presented in very differing ways. T h e reports of the groups will be produced before the end of June. A t the final session it was decided to hold the Sixth I N C O S T in Gliwice, Poland next easter providing the political situation is relatively stable. T o end a very enjoyable week a pub crawl a r o u n d the v a r i o u s h o s t e l r i e s in S o u t h Kensington was arranged. O u r European visitors took advantage of the cheaper English beer and consumed their fair share! O n Wednesday most of our delegates left but all p r o m i s i n g to a t t e n d a g e t - t o g e t h e r i n Trondheim, Norway in October. After al! the hassle of the preparations for the week the conference was a tremendous success and was enjoyed by all concerned. Elizabeth Lindsay ICU Hon Sec

"I daren't pick my nose unless H E says so!"—Michael Arthur, making finger gestures, and referring to the Senior Warden, Don Monro, who was present. "I hope you aren't going to print any of this."—Michael Arthur's most used phrase. "You are nothing but a creature crawling across the floor. You ought to be confined to a cage with nothing more than bread and water to survive upon."—Mrs Pingree, the College Archivist, admonising S Marshall who had just presented Archives with a signed copy of his 1979/80 Rag Mag.

like?" — Sara

" H e ' s so thick he'd have to take his trousers off to see what colour underpants he was wearing."—S J Marshall.

"I've had a lot of 'assle this week"—Colin Palmer, and frankly we're not surprised.

"Ere, what's this French letter doing in FELIX."—Scaramouche.

" W h a t ' s a 13-incher McGuinness in Pizza Hut.

"I don't know!"—Rae Snee. "He's in a meeting, can you ring back later."—ALL the secretaries in Sherfield.

Life Membership A proposal concerning an increase in Life Membership subscriptions is being put to Joint Council on Monday, June 22. Should this proposal be accepted the Life Membership rates will be raised from January 1, 1982 to: (i) Full member of the Union for 3 academic years. Cost £10. (ii) Full member of the Union for less than 3 academic years. Cost £15. (iii) Research assistant and member of the Senior Common Room for at least one academic year or An academic member of staff. or A member of administrative staff qualified to degree level or A member of College staff for a period of not less than 5 years. Cost £25. Therefore I would urge all new graduates to take out their Life Memberships before January 1982.

Incost 81 During the Easter vacation IC Union played host to the Fifth International Conference for Students of Technology. A great deal of hard work had gone into the preparations for the conference throughout the year by many students from IC. During last summer invitations to attend the conference were sent to all the major academic institutions throughout Europe but the response was a bit disheartening. In the end we had 44 students attending the conference including two delegates who were sponsored by U N E S C O . These two students came from Malaysia and Kenya. The students arrived on Wednesday, April 1 and were settled into their Southside acommoda-

Review

And finally,

Greater

London

Cross

Red

Blood

Transfusion

Service

This Service provides voluntary Blood Donors to hospitals in Greater London when it is essential that freshly drawn blood is used. This F R E S H B L O O D S e r v i c e is c o m p l e m e n t a r y to the N a t i o n a l B l o o d T r a n s f u s i o n S e r v i c e and cooperates with the Department of Health in the N a t i o n a l H e a l t h S e r v i c e . O u r D o n o r s are prepared to travel to any hospital in the Greater London area usually at a moment's notice in order to try and save life. Sometimes it is possible to give up to twenty-four hours notice, ie when an operation is scheduled for a specific time. The Service always does its best to send Donors to hospitals as near to their place of work or home as possible. Demands are increasing and volunteers are urgently needed to ensure that all calls are met. A report and seal is sent to the Donor after every donation. Volunteers must be between the ages of eighteen and sixty-five and are required to have a medical examination at St Bartholomew's H o s p i t a l . A n y o n e who is i n t e r e s t e d s h o u l d i m m e d i a t e l y c o n t a c t the S e c r e t a r y , G r e a t e r London Red C r o s s Blood Transfusion Service, 4 Collingham G d n s , S W 5 , 373-1055/6/7 or contact Roger Serpell, Aero Dept, int 3707.

The Private Life of Steve Marshall Stephen J o h n Marshall entered the world on December 14, 1958 in Wolverhampton. Little did he realise then that he was destined to become editor of no less than four publications. Steve was an unusually perceptive child whose wasp collection was the envy of many a friend at Wood End Juniors school. At an early age he exhibited an aptitude for scientific investigation: his mother was horrified to find a frog partially dissected on her bread board and was annoyed further when he boiled a piglet in caustic potash in her best a l u m i n i u m s a u c e p a n . O n a n o t h e r o c c a s i o n he made n i t r o g e n t r i - i o d i d e in his garden shed laboratory and left it outside to dry. W h e n he i n v e s t i g a t e d a s u d d e n b a n g he discovered the remains of the poor sparrow which had mistaken the black powder for food.

Making of M a n k i n d - R i c h a r d E Leakey, Michael Joseph, £9.95. In this book the author has created a lasting r e c o r d of his c o m p e l l i n g t e l e v i s i o n s e r i e s . Beautiful photographs recall the many places where the series was filmed. Traditional Islamic Craft in Moroccan Archi tecture-Andre Paccard, Editions Atelier 74—2 volumes—£125.00. C o m p r i s e s m o r e t h a n 1,100 p a g e s , 2,000 photographs (almost all in full colour). F o r the first time in the history of Islamic architecture, the great Moroccan master craftsmen reveal their secrets. ICON, The Imperial College Review, 20p, is on sale in the Bookshop. The latest issue covers art, music, literature, three contributions — a philsopher, a priest and an engineer, consider which books or stories have most influenced their outlook in later life. Compelling reading. A pity there is to be only two issues a year. Recommended Reading Lists. W e have had some enlightening answers to our request for titles for next term. Examples: Nearly Essential Reading! Name Department recommended books, Nil Classification, a what no book! List of titles, no name or department List of titles, O K . Number of students, nil One department listed 127 titles that are essential r e a d i n g . T h e c o s t p e r s t u d e n t w o u l d be approximately £2,000.

SCC It is important that all S C C clubs and societies give their account book to D r Rzepa before the end of term. Stephen Goulder SCC Chairman 1981/2

enormous amount of hard work he managed to raise the magazine back to its previous heights, as befits a p u b l i c a t i o n f o u n d e d by H G W e l l s . Despite many sleepless nights pasting up he still man age d to w o r k h a r d on his degree a n d graduated with an Upper Second last year. During his year as F E L I X Editor Steve has once again been the source of some controversial items. His criticisms of M r Mooney and Captain Lindley may not have earned him friends in high places, but many students have expressed their enjoyment of such articles. Other Marshall ideas were less popular, but even a series of U G M motions seemed to have no effect. He can only really be judged by his results—the issues which he produced. These seem to have provoked a great deal of interest and have always been well read. D e s p i t e b e i n g F E L I X E d i t o r he has s t i l l r e m a i n e d relatively u n k n o w n in p u b l i c . H i s defence at U G M s has been carried out by a staff orator and his face is rarely pictured in the newspaper. For some reason, presumably modesty, he prefers not to be recognised. For a year he has lived in a semi—nocturnal existence, arriving late in the office and remaining there until the small hours. • In recent months his plans for the next year h a v e b e e n the c a u s e of s o m e a m u s e m e n t amongst the staff. Firstly he decided to take 3 months holiday in South America. We accidently espied his plans to take p o t — n o o d l e s and Cadbury's Smash to the Andes, which raised a few titters, but "three pairs socks, two pairs pants" for 3 months was hilarious. The need for vaccinations prompted Dr Haines' article in the previous issue and he is still busy trying to memorize all the types of poisonous snakes

Bookshop News Lead Titles Smiley's People-John Le Carre, Pan, £1.75 Le Carre's best, the ultimate espionage novel, more tension and excitement than anything else he has written.

b y The Staff

Steve is planning to go to Australia next year, with a holiday in South America in the intervening months. He is pictured here with his mother on Blackpool beach during an earlier expedition.

Another early love of Steve's was money. He decided that writing was a good way to earn extra cash, but eventually settled for cartooning. Soon papers of great repute (Titbits, Weekend, etc) carried Marshall cartoons, the subject of which were only l i m i t e d by what w o u l d " s e l l " . By studying other cartoonists he developed his own drawing style and brand of humour. It was his cartooning abilities which led to his involvement in F E L I X . O n his first day at IC he wandered into the office and announced his desire to contribute to the editor, Duncan Suss. Presuming that any editor would own a car, he then cheekily asked for a lift with his belongings. Duncan managed to arrange a lift for him and thus secured a weekly cartoon from the keen Chemistry fresher. With the encouragement of Bill Tidy, Steve managed to become a member ot the C a r t o o n i s t s ' C l u b of G r e a t B r i t a i n , an o r g a n i s a t i o n r u n by a n d for p r o f e s s i o n a l cartoonists. During his first summer vacation he produced a book of his cartoons which aroused in him a desire to edit the IC Rag Mag. Steve was very keen to produce a memorable publication, which indeed he did. In fact it was during its production that ht'first became a centre of controversy. The D e p u t y P r e s i d e n t , M a l c o l m B r a i n , was very concerned, because the "sick" jokes and phallic crossword that Steve intended to include were totally unacceptable in his eyes. Despite the fuss and a threat to have his "head caved i n " by the D P , he stuck to his guns and produced a classic Rag Mag. In his third year he took control of The Phoenix which was near extinction after failing to appear for two y e a r s . B y c a r e f ul p l a n n i n g and an

Unfortunately he has had to postone his little jaunt in favour of setting up a P h D . . . . in Australia. Somehow we feel that Aussieland will be ideally suited to M r Marshall's requirements (and it is very far away). However nobody has yet warned the Australians. We wish him every success in the venture. W e s h o w e d this a r t i c l e to Steve for his comments. "People might be interested," he said, ...but if they're not stuff 'em!"

A rare picture of Steve taken during his Grammar School days. We feel that this picture captures his youthful enthusiasm and vitality which have remained with him throughout his year as Editor.

I feel that this Editorial is going to be somewhat of a n anti-climax to those of y o u w h o expect me to slag off all those lazy, inefficient po n c es who have the audacity to call themselves U n i o n Officers or College administrators. I have nothing specific to say about anything at the moment a n d everything y o u are about lo read is purely a collection of jottings that c o m e to m i n d as I sit here thinking about ways of filling the entire back page. I will resist the t e m p t a t i o n to r e c o u n t personalia as I u n d e r s t a n d the F E L J X staff are k n o c k i n g something together about me overleaf "(dread the thought!). S o m e people this year have a c c u s e d me (or even praised m e , dare I say it) for being far too o u t s p o k e n a n d downright rude. I must admit that I never i n t e n d e d to b e c o m e n o t o r i o u s as F E L I X E d i t o r or to impose m y character o n F E L I X to the extent that I have. I originally a i m e d t o take a laidback a p p r o a c h , keeping out of the limelight (as it were), adding balance here a n d there with an editorial c o m m e n t o n a few pertinent issues. T h e n D a r e A f o l a b i c a m e along! It all started w h e n M a r k S m i t h (Editor-elect) c h o p p e d the last paragraph off his A f r o - C a r i b article to m a k e it fit—it just h a p p e n d e d to be about apartheid. H e a s s u m e d I (it wasn't even me) had " c e n s o r e d " h i m . (Don't they always?). M r A f o l a b i sent m e a s t o r m e r of a letter accusing m e of infringing the I C U C o n s t i t u t i o n , c e n s o r s h i p , a n d w o r s t of a l l , r e s t r i c t i n g freedom of e x p r e s s i o n . N o t h i n g annoys me m o r e t h a n being a c c u s e d of acting against one of m y o w n s t r o n g beliefs—I've always been strongly in favour of freedom of e x p r e s s i o n — no matter h o w right-wing o r left-wing y o u r views may be. Nevertheless, I kept m y c o o l . T h e n A f o l a b i sent another letter a n d another, and another I reacted. M y reaction p r o v o k e d a c h a i n r e a c t i o n . F e e d b a c k is< pleasing, positive or negative; I started to take m o r e personal interest in F E L I X a n d have used it to p r o v o k e interest ever since. H o w e v e r , I w o u l d a d d that I h o l d M r A f o l a b i a n d others like h i m in considerable c o n t e m p t , I a m not racist (I A M sexist), a n d I believe the apartheid s y s t e m is very, very w r o n g . While the m e m b e r s of the A n t i - A p a r t h e i d G r o u p d e s e r v e e v e r y praise for their d e t e r m i n e d efforts, they must realise they will achieve nothing concrete. T h e o n l y situation where they c o u l d have gained s o m e headway c o n c e r n e d t h e a d m i s s i o n of w h i t e S o u t h A f r i c a n students to the College's nuclear technoloffi/ c o u r s e . W i t h o u t wishing t o be

labelled as a evil supporter of the Fascist Regime, I cannot agree with this m o v e as, like the Rector, I believe academic freedom is a far more important consideration. W e r e the left-wingers to actively campaign a b o u t t h i n g s c l o s e r to h o m e s u c h as r e f e c t o r i e s , H a l l r e n t s a n d the C o l l e g e ' s d e t e r m i n e d efforts to waste t h o u s a n d s of pounds on utter flops s u c h as M e e t I C then this place might be just a little m o r e lively. I have attempted to keep F E L I X c o n c e n trated firmly on internal matters this year a n d I believe this is the right p o l i c y — p e r h a p s this the reason why U G M s failed so abysmally this year. I have criticised the U n i o n , or more correctly, its officers without s e c o n d thought for the c o n t i n u a n c e of a " g o o d w o r k i n g w o r k i n g relationship" with them. I detest most of t h e m anyway. J o h n P a s s m o r e , w h o still i n s i s t s o n g r e e t i n g me p l e a s a n t l y , w i l l be forgotten next year, t u c k e d away o n his P h d in the M i n e s department, which lowered their usual high standards in a c c e p t i n g h i m . H o w e v e r , personalities in College administration (Viee-tr M o o n e y a n d C a p t a i n L i n d l e y c o m e eagerly to mind) will still be here next year. V i c t o r M o o n e y is hardened to criticism after twenty years of it, so I attempted a new a p p r o a c h this year. T h e " N e w Y e a r s H o n o u r s S h o c k " seemed to cause quite a jolly stir (you s h o u l d have seen the original a r t i c l e we decided N O T to print). I was surprised by the o u t c r y , I must admit. I had no official correspondence from V i c t o r M o o n e y himself but the Rector was disgusted. J o h n P a s s m o r e agreed with the Rector that it was disgusting (I saw h i m laughing!). I was told by a senior Sherfield m a n sympathetic to the cause, that " i t is n o t u n u s u a l for a s e n i o r r e f e c t o r y manager w h o often caters for Royalty with thirty-years experience to receive a C B E or something similar". It was suggested that I had hit V i c t o r M o o n e y below the belt. M y repost was the same as always, V i c t o r M o o n e y has been hitting us all below the belt for many years. E v e n w h e n the College are eventually find of h i m , the refectories will still need a g o o d five years sorting out. It's simply pathetic. C a p t a i n L i n d l e y is altogether another kettle of fish. Prior to this year, the C a p t a i n h a d c o m e off lightly, if mentioned at a l l , in the pages of F E L I X . I believe that my predecessors were actually put off by his pretentious use of r a n k . I find it difficult to have any faith in the naval defence of this c o u n t r y after meeting a n d talking to C a p t a i n Lindley. T h e a m a z i n g thing is that the top officers in the Sherfield Building talk about the C a p t a i n in a far m o r e cutting manner than I w o u l d ever consider publishing. Not only has he been a figure of fun i n the U n i o n , but also in Sherfield. W h a t a pity Topic doesn't have a gossip c o l u m n ! T h i s m a n has the responsibilities w h i c h most directly affect students. A s D o m e s t i c Secretary, he is V i c t o r M o o n e y ' s b o s s , in o v e r a l l c h a r g e of a l l refectories and bars; he has direct responsibility for Halls of Residence a n d H o u s e s ; he is in charge of the b o o k i n g of r o o m s a n d all cleaners; a n d , to top it all, he l o o k s after the s e c u r i t y of the e n t i r e C o l l e g e . T o o m u c h responsibility for one m a n , without having to c o n t e n d with F E L I X as well (not to mention M e e t IC) y o u might well say. O b v i o u s l y . S o m e of the thing I never got r o u n d to. I w o u l d have liked to have had m o r e feature articles but there just weren't enough staff to write t h e m . I h a d envisaged a n article o n College-owned flats; y o u k n o w , the ones they don't tell students about, leave vacant for ages, then move in s o m e College person for a few w e e k s, on a "need basis". H o w many people realise there are two fully-furnished flats in the U n i o n Building? I'm not sure if m a n y in the

U n i o n realise it. These two flats are m a r k e d only by unassuming front d o o r s o n the west staircase of the U n i o n Building a n d are omitted from the diagram in the H a n d b o o k . T h e y are bot h k n o w n as "Refectory F l a t s " , intended for people in the refectory service—often those w h o w o r k in the U n i o n Refectory, so that they haven't far to walk in the mornings p r e s u m ably. T h e flats are let at very low rates. T h e disgraceful thing is that one of these flats has b e e n left e m p t y for t w o y e a r s ! O K , f l a t hunters, n o w y o u k n o w , I suggest y o u look up y o u r squatters' rights before the College find a "needy p e r s o n " . T h e y ' v e been iooking for two years, so they're b o u n d t o find one real soon. V i c t o r M o o n e y has a very nice flat near Southside. Recently redecorated I understand. £1,000. A number of College employees live in N o 8 P r i n c e s G a r d e n s a n d o t h e r s are sprinkled a r o u n d P r i n c e s a n d E v e l y n G a r d e n s . H o w e v e r , a lot s e e m quite legitimate a n d will warrant no further attention. 68 E v e l y n G a r d e n s . I n t e r e s t i n g little n u m b e r . T h i s house contains six flats originally intended for m a r r i e d I C students. T o the best of available knowledge, only two are o c c u p i e d by students. O n e is h o m e sweet h o m e for S t a n , the d r u n k w h o used to swear at people in the Southside B a r before he was m o v e d to the H o l l a n d C l u b . H e was obviously thought to be in need by M i s s W h i t e , w h o was t h e n Secretary to the " A c c o r n m o d a t i n Selection C o m m i t t e e " a n d a friend. T h e way of the w o r l d , I suppose! A g a i n in 68, one flat had been empty for fifteen m o n t h s . M i s s W h i t e has denied that the flat was empty for this p e r i o d a n d the College e v e n d e n i e d t h a t t h e flat w a s e m p t y I N W R I T I N G to C a m d e n C o u n c i l H o u s i n g A i d C e n t r e after a m a r r i e d student couple had applied for it, k n o w i n g it to be empty. A t least twelve people applied for the flat in 1979 by the time it was leased to M r C h a p p e l l s , a senior engineer in the Estates department, just three weeks after C a m d e n C o u n c i l h a d requested information from College. It was leased o n the grounds that " n o one else h a d applied for i t " . Rent £32.20 per week. N o t b a d for a flat suitable for a m a r r i e d p e r s o n with c h i l d r e n . Y e s s i r , C o l l e g e - o w n e d flats sure is a n interesting topic. Is there anything else that springs to m i n d while I've got a pen in m y h a n d ? W e l l , what about the latest episode of petty backslapping amongst U n i o n h a c k s — i e the practice of awarding engraved pewter pots at the last U n i o n C o u n c i l of the year. Rae Snee wants to put a m o t i o n to C o u n c i l to stop the awarding of pots as it's costing a lot of money. W h a t another noble thought! M i n d y o u , she's clever enough t o realise that while J o h n P a s s m o r e is stupid enough to give her a U G A , even C o u n c i l wouldn't let her have a pot. L i z L i n d s a y is up i n a r m s ! S h e wants a n I C U pot to " c o m pl e t e her s e t " a n d she isn't about to let Rae Snee d o her d o w n . Personally, I thought a pot was for pissing i n ! Finally, I w o u l d like t o thank M a r k S m i t h , Patrick C o l l , T i m Hillyer, C o l i n P a l m e r , Phil W e b b , A n d y D i x o n , Martin Taylor, Shanne W o o d h o u s e , D a v e B r i t t o n , D a v e J a g o , Steve G o u l d e r , " E r i c " J a r v i s , Pallab G h o s h , Paul Parker, Caroline Godin, Paul Donovan, Sean G i b l i n for h e l p i n g o n F E L I X this y e a r . Sincerest apologies t o anyone I've missed out. I'd like t o e x t e n d a special t h a n k s to M r s A d a m s a n d M r s V a r y , the B o t a n y / Z o o l o g y tea ladies w h o have made 3:00pm a great time to be* a r o u i n d . A l s o M a z F e l l o w s , the photot y p e s e t t e r - o p e r a t o r a n d Ian M o r s e , l i t h o operator, w h o I have put u p with all year (variation o n an o l d theme). A s for the rest of Imperial College, I hate y o u all. A d i o s .

FELIX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of the Imperial College Union Publications Board, and is printed by the Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London, SW7 2BB- (589 5111 ext. 1048/in! 2881) Copyright FELIX 1980. Editor: S.J. Marshall, Advertising Manager: M.A. Smith. Registered at the GPO as a newspaper.