June 2013 laughs&lifts

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Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

Issue 59 June 2013

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Issue 59

June 2013

1

Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

JUNE SPECIAL 12 X 12

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All the while building self-esteem and confidence in their own abilities.

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Issue 59

June 2013

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Don't be irreplaceable,if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted

I can help you save money now. People who switched to Allstate saved money and got more protection. Dollar for dollar, nobody protects you like Allstate.

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(State Certified Scales) SHOP US FIRST EL PALACIO PLAZA OZARK, ALABAMA

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Issue 59

June 2013

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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it Retirement Savings

Sedation Dentistry Sedation Dentistry is a revolutionary way to accomplish your dental treatments without fear or anxiety. You dream…we work. Sedation Dentistry is often used during procedures that require an extensive amount of time in the treatment chair, and sedation is ideal for patients who exhibit dental phobia. Sedation Dentistry offers anxiety-free dental procedures as the patient is in a deeply relaxed state. though fully responsive. It means something even more important, a comfortable experience, so that little is felt or remembered from the dentistry procedure. When you awake, you are well rested, and your smile is healthier and more beautiful.

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear,

but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."

Dothan Cosmetic Dentistry Geoff M. Gaunt, DMD Aesthetic General Dentistry 2431 West Main Street, Dothan, AL 334-673-7440 DothanCosmeticDentistry.com Curious Name Places Located in the USA ● Paradox, strange as it may seem, is in New York ● Crapo, unfortunately for them is in Maryland ● Boogertown, is happily in North Carolina ● Hellhole, is depressingly to be found in Idaho ● Purgatory, is sadly in Maine ● Volcano, an explosive place in Hawaii ● Needmore, is in the greedy state of Arkansas ● Hardup, is in the poor [you must be joking} state of Utah ● Rudeville, surprisingly perhaps is in New Jersey 4

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.

● Boring, can be found in Oregon [I wonder if it is?] ● Hell, is in Michigan [Some other places too, I suspect] ● Hooker, can be found in California [And other places too] ● Virgin, is a place in Utah ● Dulls Corner, is in Maryland [Do they wear pointy hats there?] ● Bowlegs, is amusingly in Oklahoma ● Beersville, is a fine town in Pennsylvania ● Fleatown, is an itchy place in Ohio ● Burnt Corn, can be seen in Alabama ● Two Guns, famously in Arizona ● Toad Suck, is a found in Arkansas ● A Monkey's Eyebrow, is based in Arizona

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Issue 59

June 2013

4

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Implements of Math Destruction At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and 5

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL ALL INCLUSIVE PACKAGE GOLF / LUNCH & DRINK* *Green/Cart Fees, A Hamburger Lunch, & Beverage of his choice in lounge area.

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"y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

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774-3333 "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

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Issue 59

June 2013

5

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

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I know you are looking forward to football Season. Here’s a little recap of last year…

Alabama beats Arkansas…Arkansas fires their coach, Alabama beats Tennessee…Tennessee fires their coach Alabama beats Auburn…Auburn fires their coach.

Alabama beats Notre Dame…The Pope resigns. I wish the White House had a team.

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347 N. MERRICK AVE OZARK, AL 36360 Issue 59

June 2013

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Big shots are little shots who just keep shooting

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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says "What's this?"

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She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

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OR LESS

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Issue 59

June 2013

7

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

AGENT MURPHY

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The CIA lost track of it’s operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ” So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me.

I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ” The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block.

There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ” Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street. ”

334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

8

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Laughs& Lifts Laughs& Disclaimer

Squash

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Everybody is A genius But if You judge a Fish by its ability To climb A tree, it will live Its whole life Believing That it Is Stupid.

Albert Einstein 9

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

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Cabbage

MILLS PRODUCE

PARRISH PUBLISHING P.O. BOX. 681 • OZARK, AL 36361

Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader.

Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone.

Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity.

The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.

Tomatoes

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Owners MICHAEL & DAISY MILLS Peas

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Jimmy (Ques) Baker Manager

Issue 59

June 2013

9

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

I love spring time. It is a time when everything in the woods comes alive. All the trees are blooming and the grass is green. Everything that was dead through the winter has found new life again. For me this time of year means that it is time to get on the water. I love to get in my canoe and navigate the rivers and lakes fishing up and down the shores. It is easy to enjoy God’s creation this time of year. The weather is perfect and the fish are biting. My boys and I love to camp and fish as much as we can and this time of year is perfect for teaching about the different trees and plants because everything is in bloom and has found new life. God provides everything we need just like He does for His creation. As outdoorsmen we harvest wild game and catch fish to eat which is provision given by Him. These are blessings from Him. God has an awesome way of bringing new life in His creation but you can’t experience it unless you are out there in it. The spring time also provides a good opportunity to get friends and family in the outdoors to learn and build your relationships with each other. There is nothing like spending time with my boys and watching them put into practice what I have taught them over the years about the outdoors while also creating life time memories that we will never forget.

God brings new life to you as well. Jesus said that He has come to give you life and give it more abundantly. The bible says that when you accept Christ as Lord and Savior of your life that you are a new creation in Him. We need to pass this way of life down to our children and we also need to pass down the way of salvation is through Christ. Looking to Him in order to have life and have it more abundantly. Jesus died for you so that you can live for him. Take your kids out and enjoy this world that God has created but also teach them that as God has created new creation in the world around them that he can also create a new you! I’m TJ with Trails to God’s Great Outdoors. I will see you on the trail.

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Issue 59

June 2013

10

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Men Are Like...

SAW SHOP

Men are like...Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

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Men are like...Government Bonds.

They take so long to mature.

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Full Service Auto Garage • Oil Change • Tune-up • Brakes • Tires • Exhaust • Suspension • A/C • Front-End

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Issue 59

June 2013

11

BEAT THE HEAT WITH A SLICE OF Aunt T’s

PIE

Kitchen CANDY BAR PIE

PEANUT BUTTER PIE

Ingredients

Ingredients

5 Snickers candy bars (2.07 ounces each), cut into 1/4-inch pieces 1 pastry shell (9 inches), baked 12 ounces cream cheese, softened 1/2 cup sugar 2 eggs 1/3 cup sour cream 1/3 cup peanut butter 2/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips 2 tablespoons heavy whipping cream

1-1/4 cup chocolate cookie crumbs (20 cookies) 1/4 cup sugar 1/4 cup butter, melted FILLING: 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened 1 cup creamy peanut butter 1 cup sugar 1 tablespoon butter, softened 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 cup heavy whipping cream, whipped Grated chocolate or chocolate cookie crumbs, optional

Directions Place candy bar pieces in the pastry shell; set aside. In a large bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Add the eggs, sour cream and peanut butter; beat on low speed just until combined.

Pour into pastry shell. Bake at 325° for 35-40 minutes or until set. Cool on wire rack.

In a large heavy saucepan, melt chocolate chips with cream over low heat; stir until smooth.

Spread over filling. Refrigerate for 2 hours or overnight. Cut with a warm knife.

Directions In a small bowl, combine cookie crumbs and sugar; stir in butter. Press onto the bottom and up the sides of a 9-in. pie plate. Bake at 375° for 10 minutes. Cool on a wire rack.

For filling, beat the cream cheese, peanut butter, sugar, butter and vanilla in a large bowl until smooth. Fold in whipped cream. Gently spoon into crust. Garnish with chocolate or cookie crumbs if desired. Store in refrigerator.

PINEAPPLE COCONUT PIE Ingredients 1 cup cold milk 1 package (3.4 ounces) instant vanilla pudding mix 1/2 cup flaked coconut 1 can (8 ounces) unsweetened crushed pineapple, drained 1 pastry shell (9 inches), baked Whipped topping, optional

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Issue 59

June 2013

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BEAT THE HEAT WITH A SLICE OF

PIE

Aunt T’s Kitchen

Directions

Directions

In a large bowl, whisk milk and pudding mix for 2 minutes. Let stand for 2 minutes or until thickened. Stir in coconut and pineapple. Pour into pastry shell. Chill for at least 2 hours. Garnish with whipped topping if desired.

In a large skillet, saute apples, sugar and lemon juice in butter until apples are tender.

Cool.

In a bowl, beat the cream cheese until smooth; gradually beat in 1 cup milk, dry pudding mix and lemon peel. Add remaining milk; beat until thickened. Spread into pastry shell. Arrange apples over filling. Brush with preserves. Refrigerate for 1 hour before serving.

Brush with additional preserves if desired.

APPLE CREAM PIE Ingredients 4 cups thinly sliced peeled tart apples 2 tablespoons sugar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 1/4 cup butter 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened 1-1/2 cups cold milk, divided 1 package (3.4 ounces) instant vanilla pudding mix 1 teaspoon grated lemon peel 1 pastry shell (9 inches), baked 1/4 cup apricot preserves or strawberry jelly, melted

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§ Everyone Approved § No Credit § Bad Credit § 1st Time Buyers

Issue 59

June 2013

14

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Boomerang By: Wallace Kennedy, Jr.

A Boomerang is a bent or curved piece of tough wood used by the Australian Aborigines as a throwing club, one form of which can be thrown so as to return to the thrower. In modern days other materials can be used to fabricate one.

OFFICE SPACE FOR RENT

Dale County’s Small Business Incubator

Today’s encouragement for your spiritual enrichment: Whatever in life that we give away comes back to us, some may use the term of “reaping what you sow.”

All through the Bible we see different verses of Scriptures that let us know; how we treat others will impact how we are treated in return. Jesus said: Give and you will receive.

Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap.

The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. Luke 6:38 This is an old Principle of God that will never change. Genesis 8:22 While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.

In simple terms, if you sow something, there will be a harvest for what was sown.

Food for thought: If life was a Boomerang, we threw it and it was covered with: love, joy, peace, kindness, grace, forgiveness, mercy (tolerance for others mistakes/longsuffering) temperance (self-control) faithfulness, gentleness (not easily angered) and such like these. These are the same things that will come back to us. See Galatians 5:22-23 Now, throw your Boomerang, check what it is covered with because those are the life experiences that will be returned to our lives.

15

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“Where Business Begins & Industry Grows.”

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Issue 59

June 2013

15

COMMUNITY PEOPLE QUALITY HEALTHCARE

Dale Medical Center

Health Focus Dale County, Program Coordinator, Lanora Medley, RN, BSN.

The Dale Medical Center Diabetes Education & Nutrition Services Program becomes an AADE-accredited

Leslie E. Kolb, RN, BSN, MBA, Program Director, Diabetes Education Accreditation Program. “Dale Medical Center Diabetes Education & Nutrition Services is exactly the type of program we envisioned when we set up our accreditation program in 2009.”

diabetes education program.

Ozark, Alabama —Through the combined efforts of the Administration and Staff at Dale Medical Center and their consultant, Universa Diabetes, LLC of Dothan, AL, The Dale Medical Center Diabetes Education & Nutrition Services was recently named an accredited diabetes education program by the American Association of Diabetes Educators. This will allow residents in and around Dale County increased access to critical diabetes education services.

Diabetes education is a collaborative process through which people with or at risk for diabetes gain the knowledge and skills needed to modify behavior and successfully self-manage the disease and its related conditions. It is provided by diabetes educators.

The Dale Medical Center Diabetes Education & Nutrition Services Program will be offering diabetes education and nutrition classes at Dale Medical Center’s Outpatient Department, 126 Hospital Avenue, Ozark, Alabama 36303.

“We know how important diabetes self-management is to the diabetic community. We are grateful for the opportunity to work for the people of 16

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

Kidney stones are rock-like pieces that can form in the urinary system, usually in the kidney. They may be very small or may grow to the size of a small pebble or larger. Small kidney stones often leave the body without a person even knowing about them, while larger stones may get stuck in one of the two ureters, causing pain and sometimes blocking urine flow.

Anyone can get kidney stones, but they are most common in men aged 20 to 60.

Kidney stones are usually caused when water and waste in the urine are out of balance. When this happens, certain types of waste crystals separate from the urine. Instead of going out of the body in the urine, the crystals build up. Examples of these crystals are uric acid, calcium, phosphate and oxalate. As the crystals build up, they form clumps, or kidney stones.

According to Dr. Juan Fernandez, Urologist at Dale Medical Center, you might be at higher risk of having kidney stones if: · You don't drink enough liquids (especially water) each day. · You have urinary tract infections often. · You eat a certain type of diet. For example, people who eat diet high in meat or salt may be at higher risk of developing kidney stones.

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June 2013

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126 HOSPITAL AVE • OZARK, AL 36360 334-774-2601 Visit Our Website At People who eats foods higher in oxalate www.DaleMedical.org (found in nuts, chocolate, coffee, tea and green For the latest news & Health information leaky vegetables) may also be at a higher risk. · You take certain medicines. These include some diuretics, steroids, and antacids. · Someone else in your family has had kidney stones. · You were born with a kidney or bowel disorder, or you have other medical problems such as gout.

Signs and Symptoms include pain in the middle of your back that moves across to your side. The pain may continue down toward your groin and may come and go.

Other symptoms may include: · Fever and chills · Nausea and vomiting · Problems with urination · Tenderness on your lower back, side and stomach.

The treatment will depend on the size and location of your kidney stone. For more information or appointment please contact, Dr. Juan Fernandez, at Advanced Urology, 334-774-1200.

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Issue 59 June 2013 17 September 2012 17

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Cabinets Designed For Living Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.

New Kitten 101 Congratulations on your new kitten! While you get to know each other, we want to provide you with some information that will help make the transition easier for you and your new family member.

An ounce of prevention.

•Immunizations: Your new kitten will need to visit the veterinary clinic every 3-4 weeks during kittenhood to build immunity through vaccination.

•Frequent, regular fecal examinations and deworming •Testing for Feline Leukemia Virus •Heartworm/Flea/Tick preventive •Identification tag/Microchip •Spay/Neuter your kitten •High quality diet formulated for kittens •Kitten-proof your home: remove toxins, electrical cords and heavy objects that could fall on your kitten.

•Indoor cats live longer, healthier lives. If cats go outdoors, they should be closely supervised at all times.

•Handle your kitten’s mouth, feet and ears often so they learn to tolerate tooth brushing, nail trims and ear cleanings.

Exercise and mental stimulation.

Playtime with your kitten is great bonding time and gives your kitten a chance to learn how the world works. Offer toys that stimulate movement, such as fishing toys, balls and boxes. Toys that emulate the wild nature of your kitten (e.g.: tall scratching posts, perches) help stimulate normal behaviors and prevent unwanted behaviors. Use caution with string and small objects for toys as they can become stuck inside your cat’s body. Do not allow your kitten to play with electrical cords.

SOUTHERN INSTALLATION CABINET SHOP FREE In Home Estimates by Dan Barefield Cell 334.726.3459 Office 334.774.9579 daily, you will also be able to detect health problems sooner.

We look forward to watching your kitten grow. Be sure to call the clinic if you have any questions or concerns about your new kitten. Call us to discuss how we can help prevent disease in your beloved pet's and let us know if we can help with your furry family members in anyway! We are hear for your pet and you! Your Pets. Their Health. Our Passion!

Lee Windham, DVM

Healing Hands Animal Hospital 652 W. Roy Parker Road Ozark, Al 36360 334-774-2263

Grooming •Begin brushing your kitten’s teeth to ensure good oral care •Regular nail trims •Brush the coat to prevent matting Litter box. Kittens tend to naturally have good litter box habits. Litter boxes should be placed in a readily accessible location without stressful noises (e.g.: washing machines) nearby. To keep those good habits, be sure to clean the box at least once each day. By checking the litter box

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ANIMAL HOSPITAL, LLC

“Your Pet. Their Health. Our Passion.”

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334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

18

If a man does his best, what more can we ask from him?

Do you find yourself looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"

If so, you'll love this one!

Artisan�Shopping�On�The�Square

I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Old Saying Hidden in a Word Picture Puzzle

When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate.

Hmmm! Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northampton High School.

"Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm a Konkrete Kid." He gleamed with pride.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was in your class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"

19

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

THE ANSWER IS IN PLAIN SITE IN THIS ISSUE.

Summer Camp A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring! an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

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Issue 59

June 2013

19

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Giant Burger

LOGAN’S ALL PRO

K UC IES TR SOR S OCK CE TAKING CARE OF YOU AC N ST I

AND YOUR AUTO NEEDS

774-0059

TIRES BRAKES ALIGNMENT TUNE UPS BATTERIES EXHAUST BELTS & HOSES STARTERS ALTERNATORS TRANSMISSIONS

WRECKER CALL 334-774-0059 334-608-2341

SPRAY IN BEDLINERS

WINDOW TINT CAR AUDIO ALARMS REMOTE START MOBILE TV STROBES CAMO WRAP VINYL GRAPHICS AUTO DETAILING KEYLESS ENTRY

171 N. UNION AVE OZARK, AL. 36360

SPECIAL ORDERS WELCOME We do birthday, wedding and special occasion cakes and cupcakes.

Also available are cookies, candies, bars, loaf breads, muffins, cheese straws, cheese balls, and other light hors d’oeuvres.

Michelle Glaze, Owner 158 Broad Street SOUP & SANDWICH LUNCH Ozark, AL 11 AM - 2 PM Monday - Saturday Facebook.com/EastAvenueBakeShoppe 334-479-2253

Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, already held the title with a 6lb burger; owners thought a 15-pound burger would prove an even bigger attraction, reports the Pittsburgh PostGazette.

Diners who can finish the $44 burger in less than five hours win $350, a T-shirt and their name posted on the pub's wall of fame. They also got the burger for free." Every restaurant needs a gimmick ours is big burgers," said Dennis Liegey III, son of the restaurant's owner.

Visitors come from as far away as Australia and California just to see the 6pounders and try to eat them. The new burger, dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, is as big around as the inside of a car tire. Each one comes with a cup and half of mayonnaise, mustard and ketchup, a head of lettuce, two onions, three tomatoes and 25 slices of cheese.

2) Another Whopper

COUNSELING PLUS “Your Source of Comprehensive Counseling With a Christian Option.”

● Behavioral Problems ● Academic Problems ● Marital Problems

● Depression ● Anxiety ● ADHD

Tricare, AllKids, BC/BS & Most Other Insurance Plans Accepted Doctor’s referral accepted but not required ~ All Military Families Welcome CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT TODAY! 334-774-5300 OR 334-774-5219 258 South Painter Ave. • Ozark, Al.

www.CounselingPlus.net 20

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

John D. Rook, MS, NCC, LPC, DCC

LaughsandLifts@live.com

Burger King's left handed whopper: In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million lefthanded Americans.

According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

20

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

GATEWAY REALTY OF OZARK, INC.

SellingOzark.com or Century21.com

160 Acres $322,000 This Property Is Wooded Has Lots Of Wildlife, Deer, Turkey, Rabbit Run Bountifully. 10 Acres In Mature Planted Pines.

Rock Road To Pond. The Eight Acre Pond Is Beautiful And Stocked With Bream, Bass And Catfish.

334-774-4961 800-334-7403

1280 E. Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL LOTS/LAND • MULTI-FAMILY

BUILDERS CASH & CARRY FISHING TACKLE & FISH BAIT Crickets, Worms & More

BUILDERS CASH & CARRY

598-2481 855 S. Daleville Ave. Daleville, AL

Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.

Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

21

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

BEAUTIFUL BARBOUR COUNTY STATE LAKE NEAR CLAYTON, AL.

334-367-8448 CLOSED ON WEDNESDAY Ray Windham, Manager

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334.379.7603

Michael Horne, Assistant

Issue 59

June 2013

21

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

GUNS, AMMO, & ACCESSORIES 334-983-GUNS

MIKE’S GUN SHOP We Aim To Please

9 - 5:30 Mon - Sat

1287 E. Hwy 134 Pinckard, AL 36371

SUTTON’S RESTAURANT & OYSTER BAR

Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights 4:30 - 9:00 3½ Miles North of Ariton at 4822 Hwy 51

762-9837

MENTAL PATIENTS Jack and Sue were both in a mental hospital. Once they were walking past a swimming pool, Jack suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Sue promptly jumped in to save him.

He swam to the bottom and pulled Jack out. When the medical director became aware of Sue's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Sue the news, he said, “Sue, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.”

The bad news is Jack, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Sue replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

Laughs&Lifts Laughs& Subscription

GET PUNCHED FOR LUNCH AT GET YOUR LOYALTY CARD BUY 6 LUNCHES AND RECEIVE 7TH FREE

THE BEST CHILI DAWGS & HAMBURGERS AROUND! PLUS SANDWICHES, SALADS & WRAPS 774-3294 ~ Downtown Ozark ~ 173 S. Union 22

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Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends or Yourself! $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s) address & check to Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361

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Issue 59

June 2013

22

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

SUDOKU

Ozark Tire & service 774-1416

● New & Used Tires ● Oil Changes 453 South Union Ave. ● Road Side Service Ozark, AL

RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL….WE GET IT DONE!

CONGRATULATIONS TO: Arthur Webb of Headland Tiffany Munn of Ozark

They Have Won 1 Green Fees & Cart Fee from Fox Ridge Golf Course, 2 FREE Passes & a Bucket of Animal Food from McClellans Zoo, Free Lunch Mon-Fri from KC’s Donuts & Dogs in Ozark, & 1 Laughs&Lifts T-Shirt

They found Thor in the May Edition of Laughs&Lifts

OLD ICE HOUSE LUNCH BUFFET 11 AM - 2 PM TUESDAY- FRIDAY AND SUNDAY PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE 140 Jones Street Ozark, AL www.theoldicehouserestaurant.com 23

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

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Issue 59

June 2013

23

There is always death and taxes however death doesn't get worse every year.

ASK DR. GAUNT Ÿour Hometown Dentist”

Across 1. Had a meal 4. Mail carrier 7. Regret 10. Breakfast food sometimes 11. Uncooked 12. ____ with her head!

13. Back when 14. Overwhelming admiration 15. Land area 16. Cultivation 19. Puffed up 21. Not very bright 24. Dark black 26. Like ocean water 27. Strengthen the muscles 29. Flower holder 30. Curved entry area 32. Jiffy lube product 34. Dove call 35. Hockey rink surface 38. Everything 39. Banking machine 40. Criticize a lot 41. Go on a plane 42. Show grief 43. Main mail center, abbr.

24

Down 1. "Now I get it!"

2. You're it game 3. _____ stressed 4. Russian river 5. Bars that go into the teeth of ratchet wheels 6. Gym wear 7. Actor's job description?

8. Alien craft 9. Newt 17. Kind of tube 18. Tropical fruit 19. Ex-GI 20. Blood group system 22. "___ show time!"

23. Salon application 25. State flowers of New Mexico 28. Snapshot 31. Baby growth area 32. Clodhopper 33. Not well 36. Baseball headgear 37. ___ trip

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

Hello faithful readers, This month I'd like to start an idea for the next several articles based on "tough decisions". I would really like for this thread of topics to stimulate you readers to send me a question related to a tough dental decision you and your dentist have had to make regarding your dental health. I speak for my colleagues in saying that the toughest part about dentistry much of the time is not so much doing the work, but deciding between several options for treatment. While technology has blessed us with some great new materials and techniques to use, it has also added to the number of options for treatment. I'll sometimes confuse patients with more options than they can comprehend at one time! I don't mean to do that, but it is our obligation as caregivers to give the options that are available to us.

We'll dig right into that next month and please consider sending your "tough decision" to me. The publisher and I will keep all questions anonymous.

Health and Happiness, Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com

LOWEST PRICES ON NEW BEDDING!!

Queen & King Sizes On Sale Now

Come Save $$ NOW!

THE PLUNDER PALACE HIGHWAY 123 NORTH • OZARK 774-3525 Mon-Sat 9 AM till 5 PM LaughsandLifts@live.com

334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

24

Adults are just kids who owe money

THOR Baby African Lion

COME SEE THOR & ALL THE BIG CATS AT

McCLELLAND’S

BANKS, AL 334-243-4039

Wed-Sun M & T by Appt.

Born 03/29/2013

TWO PART QUESTION Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

WEDDING GOWNS & FORMALS CLEANING AND PRESERVING Boots • Belts • Hats • Caps • Gloves • Shoes

COMFORTERS AND QUILTS

LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY JOHNSTON

SUEDE-LEATHER-FURS

774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.

25

Monday-Friday 6-5 Saturday 6-12

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

CONSTRUCTION LLC Shane Johnston 1196 CR 109 Brundidge, AL

334-403-0134 LaughsandLifts@live.com

334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

25

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

Colby’s Restaurant “All You Can Eat Buffet” We Cater any Special Occasion Banquets • Receptions • Showers

Downtown Ozark • 129 East Ave. Downtown Dothan • 191 N. Foster www.colbysplace.com

THE BEST THING TO DO BEHIND A PERSON’S BACK IS TO PAT IT..

Drunk in Saudi Arabia An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

1000 BUSINESS CARDS

$55

Parrish Publishing Tax & 322 Andrews Ave. Suite 3 Ozark, AL 36360 Shipping 334-379-7603 INCLUDED

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Roger@ParrishPublishing.com

334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

26

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

FOR SALE BY OWNER IN CLIO 21 McElwain Street

This Cute well maintained 2 bedroom home has Hardwood Floors, Gas Fireplace, Metal Roof, CH&A. Attached Carport, Fenced Yard with Outdoor Storage Building. Only $80,000 Call Today…334-397-4189

TOMATOES

FIND THE

DALMATION

Win Surprise Prize Package!

We Have Hidden This Dalmatian In 6 ads in this Months Edition Of Laughs&Lifts 2 People will win a prize package From area business’ Find All 6 Dalmations & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: Mail the names of the 6 business in which You found the Dalmatians along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, TO: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 OR E-mail same to:LaughsandLifts@live.com Subject Line: Dalmatians NO PHONE CALLS Drawing Held On the 20th of the Month 27

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The Sawyers Produce 220 W. Malvern Hwy Malvern, Alabama 334-793-6690

Laughs&Lifts Laughs& Subscription Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends, Or Yourself. $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s), address & check to: Laughs&Lifts, Inc P.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL. 36361

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June 2013

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Half of being smart, is knowing what you're dumb at.

What is LAUGHS&LIFTS? LAUGHS&LIFTS is a FREE publication, published monthly and distributed anywhere consumers experience wait times... hair salons, physicians’ offices, local schools, hospitals, hotels, senior centers, dentist offices, restaurants, mom's clubs, car washes, Laundromats, dance studios, martial arts centers, gymnastics clubs, and many more.

Each Edition of LAUGHS&LIFTS contains clean jokes, uplifting articles of faith, recipes, a crossword puzzle, Sudoku puzzles, interesting facts, and quotes...plus coupons, offers, and value for consumers to take home. LAUGHS&LIFTS is intended to stimulate the minds of customers and their families while they wait.

The goal of LAUGHS&LIFTS is to engage, entertain, encourage and provide value everywhere within the local community to maximize enjoyment for our readers and exposure to our advertisers.

Why Advertise in LAUGHS&LIFTS? Because Laughs&Lifts Deliver…...

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

Greater loyalty – When Laughs&Lifts is read by the readers. They share their magazine or tell their friends about Laughs&Lifts.

Longevity – Unlike newspapers or weekly shoppers which typically have a one day life, Laughs&Lifts are read days and weeks after they are first published and distributed.

Multiple readers – Many are read multiple times in Doctors’ offices, beauty shops and auto repair shops.

Fun to read, easily digested, informative, non-controversial content designed to keep readers on the page with your ad for a longer time.

Large Circulation – 10,000 magazines distributed in your market area means that over 20,000 people will read (REALLY READ) a Laughs&Lifts each month.

Over 200 sites in your market area gladly display and offer Laughs&Lifts Free to their customers.

98% Pick-up ratio- For every 10,000 Laughs&Lifts printed, 9800 are picked up and read… many are read by several of your potential customers. The 2% of magazines that are not picked up are given to organizations that distribute to overseas soldiers, prisoners, and shut-ins.

Low Cost – Laughs&Lifts rates are lower than other magazines and newspapers. Ad rates start at about $8.00/1000 magazines printed.

Laughs & Lifts 28

Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

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334.379.7603

Issue 59

June 2013

28

Funny how small our sins seem, but how big 'their' sins are.

The officer said, “You drinking?’

I said “You Buying?”

We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be!

STAND OUT & ATTRACT ATTENTION WITH FULL COLOR ADS & FULL COLOR PRINTING FROM

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Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine

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Issue 59

June 2013

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BUSINESS DIRECTORY

BAKERY

SMALL 1” AD $25 -$35 Larger 2” AD $50 - $70

Michelle Glaze, Owner SOUP & SANDWICH LUNCH 158 Broad Street 11 AM - 2 PM Monday - Saturday Ozark, AL 334-479-2253 Facebook.com/EastAvenueBakeShoppe

ALTERATIONS

Logan’s Cleaners & Alterations Take It Up or Let It Out! Buttons, Zippers, Hems & Mending

Quality Work at Fair Prices 774-8012

KC’S DONUTS AND DAWGS Serving Donuts Breakfast and Lunch DOWNTOWN OZARK 774-3294 173 S. UNION

CHECK PRINTING

618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL

Check Printing Services

334-774-6533

ANTIQUES

Vintage Treasures

322 Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL

Antiques & More 20 + Vendors With Unique 1 Of A Kind Items

1880 South Union Ave. Suite C Ozark, AL. 36360

334.379.7603

APPLIANCE REPAIR & SALES

Appliance Sales • Parts • Service 334-379-3135

LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY

697-B North Union Ave. • Ozark, AL. 32 Years Exp

CLEANERS AND LAUNDRY

abcapplianceozark.com

AUTO-PARTS-REPAIR-SALES

WE BUY CARS 445-1460

774-8012

M-F 6-5 Sat 6-12

618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.

CLEANING SERVICES

Residential or Business Clean Drapes ~ Good Rates

Jennifer Mcleod has FINANCING FOR EVERYONE § Everyone Approved § No Credit § Bad Credit

2618 US Highway 231 N. Ozark, AL

(334)774-0420

BARBERS

Lee’s

OLE TIMEY BARBER SHOP

Rucker Blvd. Across From Enterprise Chevrolet

494.0300 30

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SPONSOR ADS 12 ISSUES...$300/ YEAR 6 ISSUES…$180 / 6 MONTHS OPEN…$35.00 per month

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Issue 59

June 2013

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BUSINESS DIRECTORY

INSURANCE Sammy Judah ~ Donna Shuman Call or visit us today!

ircle Insurance Agency

SMALL 1” AD $25 -$35 Larger 2” AD $50 - $70

CONSIGNMENT SHOPS

863 Andrews Ave. ~ Ozark, Al. 36360

334-774-7177 LAWN MOWING

INVENTORY REDUCTION SALE Second Time Around Women’s Consignment El Palacio Square 25% To 50% Off Our Already Low Prices!

El Palacio Square ~ Hwy 231 S. ~ Ozark, AL Tues-Fri 10-5 • Sat 10-2

334-774-7900 ELECTRICIANS

MOTORCYCLES

Tyre Electrical & Plumbing

MOST BRANDS

“Specializing in Services Calls of All Types” 30 Years Experience! Licensed, Insured & Bonded

334.774.5194

FLOORING

WE BUY MOTORCYCLES 334-406-9188

PROPANE

FLOORING

LLC

Wood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet 334-445-2866 TILE SHOWER SPECIALIST 936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360

SEWING MACHINES SALES & SERVICE

SNELL’S FLOORING

DERRELL’S

Hardwood • Ceramic • Carpet • Laminate Affordable Pricing & Professional Installation

334-774-8327

334-794-0824

TAX PREPARATION

DOTHAN GOLD EXCHANGE Across From UPS

WE BUY GOLD

MIRACLE FINANCE Loan and Tax Center Dothan

Ozark

Enterprise

794.4171

774.0693

347.1139

TOP DOLLAR PAID

4177 Montgomery Hwy. Unit 6 Dothan, AL 334-699-4653

HANDY MAN SERVICES No Job Too Small Licensed and Insured

2507 MONTGOMERY HWY. AZALEA PLAZA DOTHAN, AL

• 646 US Hwy 231 North • Ozark

GOLD

& SILVER

SEWING & VACUUM CENTER

PARTS FOR ALL BRANDS OF SEWING MACHINES & VACUUM CLEANERS

CHRIS AND EDDIE ADKINS

THRIFT STORES

334-774-2448 334-379-4831

RVICE E S N A M Y D N A H A & A zark, AL Street ~ O 673 James

31

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Bill & Pat’s

THRIFT STORE OPEN TUESDAY-SATURDAY 9 AM - 5 PM 347 MERRICK AVE. OZARK, AL

334.379.7603

Issue 59

774-6954 733-0078 701-4943

June 2013

31

CERAMIC TILE Now our Lowest prices Of the year!

Ben Baker

FLOORING LLC Wood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet 936 Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL.

334-445-2866 32

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Starting at Fifty-nine Cents Per sq ft.

VISIT OUR BEAUTIFUL SHOWROOM TODAY 334.379.7603

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June 2013

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