o c K y
THE OLLEGINA
FOCO EVENTS TOP SCANDALS
NEWS: CSU condones dueling to settle debates PAGE 5
LIFE: Student expelled after RA discovers kidnapped pet Grubhub robot in dorm PAGE 7
SCIENCE: Nick DeSalvo cloning scandal unearthed in chem research building PAGE 8
SPORTS: Elon Musk buys NIL rights of all CSU studentathletes, effective immediately PAGE 11
ARTS: CSU prepares to say goodbye to Amy Parsons, hello to Slim Blondee PAGE 13
OPINION: 5 names that may really lean into your executive order preferences PAGE 15
MEDIA: Starship Chronicles: Episode V — The Robo-pire strikes back PAGE 10
March Madness victory celebration tour 7:30-10 p.m. April 1
Slim Blondee feat. Azealia Banks at The Aggie 7 a.m. April 1
Selena Gomez hosts charity event for Benny Blanco’s missing unibrow 6 p.m. April 1
EDITOR’S NOTE
This edition is satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. This is a timehonored tradition of the editorial staff, and we hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it.
An artistic rendition of George W. Bush being informed of the Rocky Mountain Collegina’s editorial after it was published circa 2007. ILLUSTRATION BY COSMIC MISFORTUNE
Lory Student Center, Suite 118 Fort Collins, CO 80523
This publication is not an official publication of Colorado State University, but is published by an independent corporation using the name ‘The Rocky Mountain Collegian’ pursuant to a license granted by CSU. Approximately 59% of Rocky Mountain Student Media Corp’s income is provided by the Associated Students of Colorado State University (ASCSU) for the purpose of fostering student careers post-college and greater campus awareness and engagement. The Rocky Mountain Collegian is a 3,000-circulation student-run newspaper intended as a public forum and is printed on paper made of 30% post-consumer waste. It publishes every Thursday during the regular fall and spring semesters. The Collegian publishes online Monday through Thursday. Corrections may be submitted to the editor in chief and will be printed as necessary on page two. The Collegian is a complimentary publication for the Fort Collins community. The first copy is free. Additional copies are 25 cents each.
CORRECTIONS
Everybody makes mistakes, including us. If you encounter something in the paper you believe to be an error, please contact us at: keepittoyourself@collegian.com.
Astronomically Stressed | Headache in Grief editor@collegian.com
Hanky Panky | Master Instigator
managingeditor@collegian.com
Katelyn Urbanski | Executive Editor copy@collegian.com
Wholesome ED-Core | Chief Complainer copy@collegian.com
Kevin Barry II | Print Director design@collegian.com
Tim Bavis | Ill Crustacean Editor design@collegian.com
Autism Memory | Nonsense Senator news@collegian.com
EDITORIALINFECTIONSTAPH
Ham Slutton | Nonsense Senator news@collegian.com
Catholic Abortion | Death Editor life@collegian.com
Fictitious Komposition | Laboratory Leader science@collegian.com
Rizzle Cigcrust | Farts and Enter-painment Editor entertainment@collegian.com
Mackerel Harvey | Dumb Jock Observer sports@collegian.com
Sparkling Whimsey | Competitive Meat Connoisseur sports@collegian.com
Detectivo Liberal | Bias Detective letters@collegian.com
Geriatric Mcgee | Head Photo Monkey photo@collegian.com
Cosmic Misfortune | Elite Photo Monkey photo@collegian.com
Chat GGPT | Engagement Ninja social@collegian.com
Involuntary Toots | Flatulence Awareness Influencer social@collegian.com
FRESH OUT THE SLAMMER
ASCSU implements RamJail as new principle of community
By Autism Memory @csucollegian
The illustrious student government of Colorado State University has implemented new principles of community on campus: incarceration and abstinence. To complement the new principle, RamJail — a new facility in the Andrew G. Clark Building A’s basement — has been constructed.
Students can anticipate a stay for a number of offenses, including sexual activity and biking in dismount zones.
There are varying sentences for each crime, with the most common offense being engaging in sexual behavior.
“I’m really proud of this initiative, and I think it’s going to benefit the CSU community immensely,” said Braxton Dietz, the Associated Students of CSU vice president, who took the reins on the project. “Constantly hearing about, you know, those kinds of activities was always so harmful to my education, and I can’t wait to better the education and celibacy of my fellow Rams.”
The experience is enhanced by the offering of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes as the only meal available to students during their sentence.
With CSU’s rather abysmal track record against the University of Colorado Boulder, it is no surprise that being a CU fan will result in a minimum sentence of seven days, which can be increased up to two months depending on repeat offenses and which sport
the prisoner endorsed; football earns solitary confinement. The CSU Police Department did reiterate that having a Heisman Trophy-winning player on their team does not lessen the sentence.
think it’s really a betrayal to your identity,”
ASCSU
While a less common offense, biking in a dismount zone is another occurrence that will land students in RamJail. However, some students have started a petition to make the entire campus bikeable and have no
prefer to not bike around campus,” an anonymous student said. “The assholes who speed past on bikes really need to do some self-reflection on how they impact other people.”
Shortly after the demonstration, the student was involved in a collision between a pedestrian, a bike and a Grubhub delivery robot. No injuries were sustained, but angry comments were heard from Hughes Way.
In addition to serving time, punishment of public humiliation is brought upon those who drive Cybertrucks, Tesla’s newest display of automobile public indecency.
The spectacle is overseen by a graduate student from the computer science department. First, a booing circle of at least 100 people is organized, followed by two weeks of community service in landscaping. The landscaping aims to beautify campus and cancel out the bad vibes brought by the vehicle.
President Nick DeSalvo said. “We should all be proud to be Rams. Those kids at CU have enough of an ego as it is. It’s a crime on this campus to prove them right.”
The maximum punishment is execution by firing squad on The Stump. The firing squad is comprised of The Collegina’s staff, with Catholic Abortion leading.
designated walking spaces. The petition has gained traction and, with it, opposition across campus. Some protests have broken out on The Plaza, with many students citing safety concerns.
A student in environmental science spoke about their thoughts but requested to remain anonymous due to safety fears caused by bikers.
“I really think this is discriminatory toward pedestrians and those who
Other crimes that warrant RamJail include having a fishing photo on a dating app profile and being mean to the GrubHub delivery robots.
“They’re just trying to do their jobs, and they get harassed every day,” said a statement from CSU leadership. “Rams take care of Rams, and that includes robots, no matter how inconvenient they might be when walking in front of Clark.”
Reach Autism Memory at news @collegian.com.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY LITERALLY SLAYED THE COLLEGINA
KICK THE AP
The Collegina chosen to replace AP in White House press corps, coverage changes promised
By Ham Slutton @csucollegian
Following President Donald Trump’s decision to once again bar The Associated Press from daily press briefings in the White House, The Rocky Mountain Collegina has been chosen to fill the void.
The decision was announced via Trump’s Truth Social account late March 28 and was later confirmed by Meme God Elon Musk and White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. No communication took place between The Collegina and the White House prior to the announcement.
“THE AGE OF FAKE NEWS IS NOW OFFICIALLY OVER,” the post reads. “The APee did nothing except persecute American patriots, and thanks to me, their reign of ‘fact-based’ terror is over. The golden age of America continues today with the help of The Collegina, and we need young voices more than ever in the face of such flagrant misinformation. They did something very naughty in 2007, but Daddy Donald is forgiving.”
Journalists, administrators, lawyers, Secret Service agents, Ram truck drivers, obnoxious political science majors and students lost on their way to the Ramskeller Pub & Grub soon flooded the Rocky Mountain Student Media offices, looking to catch a glimpse of the journalists now elevated to national prestige, frantically apartment shopping in Washington D.C. and accepting press passes to Air Force One.
Slutton were too busy on Instagram Reels to see the White House announcement, leaving the entire editorial staff completely surprised by the sudden intrusion into their enclosure.
The mob would storm the newsroom to see staff members in-between their classes, on the week’s crossword puzzle, the tables littered with various ADHD medications, incoherent scribbles, Panda Express fortune cookies and open — but dormant — laptops. Nonsense Senators
“Does this mean we can’t go to the ‘Skeller on Fridays anymore?” Death Editor Catholic Abortion said as the group soon enveloped the newsroom. “I need my inhaler.”
According to sources present, Headache in Grief Astronomically Stressed and Master Instigator Hanky Pankey, along with Memory and Slutton were selected to make the move to Washington D.C. The four quickly retreated into an adjoining staff office with RMSM Corporation CEO Pete Waack,
legal adviser David Wolfgang and other pro staff members, followed by various screams and sounds resembling hyperventilation. Trump then reportedly spoke privately to the editorial staff by phone from Mar-a-Lago while waiting for a Secret Service agent to retrieve his ball from the rough. Though the details of the 45-minute conversation remain unknown, former Trump Attorney Michael Cohen took to X to speculate that Trump bullied the editorial team into submission, likely promising Panky and Slutton high-level administrative positions and insider trading avenues in exchange for highly favorable
coverage of the
administration. Cohen also guessed Stressed and Memory will direct all future Collegina coverage of White House proceedings and be promoted to Press Secretary. The speculation was later confirmed by Trump via Truth Social.
“I’m just so confused,”
Stressed said. “We all know the caliber of The Collegina, but it’s incredibly confusing to learn that Trump has chosen us to institute biased reporting in the White House. You can count on our coverage changing quite a bit in the coming days, I guess.”
Citing Federal Aviation Administration workforce cuts,
the White House elected to land Air Force Two at the nearby World War II-era Christman Airfield. Secret Service agents quickly ushered the editorial staff to the tarmac to be greeted by Vice President JD Vance, after which an impromptu press conference was organized.
“My boss knows the difference between good and bad journalism,” Vance said. “I trust The Collegina will represent the administration well and help get these AI face edits under control. Maybe these kids know how to say thank you.”
CSU Student Body President Nick DeSalvo was also present to comment; though, onlookers noted he looked slightly more human when compared to footage of more recent public appearances.
“The Collegina has a great track record of biased journalism, and I applaud President Trump for using this publication in ways I never could,” DeSalvo said. “I know these Rams will make a difference
Following the announcement from the White House, the Colorado State University Marketing and Communications’ team reapproached RMSMC about acquiring The Collegina under the CSU umbrella.
“We’re really excited about the editorial staff being promoted to the national stage,” a statement from CSU reads. “We’ve never been more excited to er-explore the relationship between CSU and student media with this new opportunity.”
The Collegina will take place in their first press briefing April 1. Reach Ham Slutton at news @collegian.com.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY HAM SLUTTON THE COLLEGINA
CSU condones dueling on campus to settle student disputes
By Astronomically Stressed @csucollegian
In light of increasing partisanship at the local, state, federal and even student level, Colorado State University has announced that dueling will be condoned, legalized and supported on campus to settle disputes between students.
Effective immediately, dueling is condoned across campus for all registered student organizations and groups as way to settle disputes and differences, with emphasis being placed on the 10-paces method of demanding satisfaction.
“The country is so polarized now,” CSU President Amy Parsons said in a statement to the university community. “We need our Rams to be prepared to enter the world with a sense of realism. That’s what the CSU experience is all about. Dueling is an exciting way of using our actions rather than our words.”
The Associated Students of CSU’s Student Fee Review Board will collaborate with the university to fund the new Horn of CAM Dueling Cabinet, located in the Lory Student Center’s Ramskeller Pub & Grub, equipped with foam swords and 18th-century ornate BB gun pistols, the fake weapons of choice for dueling.
“We’re really excited about this method of fostering justice,” university spokesperson Aaronia Hamlet said.
“In the words of Lin-Manuel Miranda, ‘The challenge: demand satisfaction/ If they apologize, no need for further action.’ This is a really exciting, new way of fostering discussion and debate between groups — with high stakes.”
Parsons will kick off the dueling series by engaging in a sword fight against CSU Chancellor Tony Frank to decide, once and for all, who has more Ram pride.
“My and Tony’s love for this university runs deep,” Parsons said in her statement. “We’re excited to settle our longstanding argument of who has true green and gold in their veins with some foam swords from the Horn of CAM.”
The CSU College of Ram’s Keep, a local chapter of the Society for Creative Anarchism, is a key sponsor of the new Horn of CAM Cabinet and is donating informative knowledge on swordsmanship and dueling, including aiding in teaching a new intra-university course, IU 120: Settling Disputes By Duel, now part of the All-University Core Curriculum, replacing the public speaking degree requirement for graduation.
“It’s a real challenge for interested students,” said Alaric Turkeyleg, College of Ram’s Keep king. “There’s a real artistry behind sword fighting or dueling with pistols. I think it will really bring the cream of the crop to
the surface of CSU’s fine campus.”
On the new dueling docket are battles between the two-legged CAM mascot and a first-year volunteer playing Ralphie the Buffalo with BB pistols to decide the sole remaining college mascot in the state of Colorado. Next up is a ceremonial team of geese fans versus squirrel fans with swords to decide which animal is eradicated on CSU’s campus. Then comes a promised sword duel between members of The Collegina and ASCSU to decide who gets the first floor, windowed office space in the Lory Student Center currently occupied by ASCSU.
The most anticipated duel, however, will be a three-way sword duel — “Pirates of the Caribbean” style — between the ASCSU presidential candidates to decide who ultimately takes office.
“Elections are dangerous,” ASCSU elections manager Garrett Lopez said. “They can be tampered with and are full of so much drama, and given recent voter turnout numbers, the amount of internal drama just isn’t worth it. This makes my job so much easier. I just have to have the candidates sign liability waivers and hand them swords. This renders campaigning entirely unnecessary. Elections have never been so simple. I wish the real world would try this.”
“This is a really great opportunity for our campus,” Parsons said in an exclusive interview with The
Collegina during a duel practice session against one of the CAM the Ram mascot suits with a photo of Frank’s face taped to it. “We’ve never been more cutting edge. CSU is truly democracy’s university, and we think this is the new cutting edge of democracy in action.”
Students on campus are thrilled at the prospect to settle issues in such a quick and easy manner.
“My o-chem professor gave me a D on an assignment,” said Argon Barium, a student pumping iron on The Plaza. “I’ve taken this class three times, and I physically can’t stay at CSU any longer. I’m challenging him to a duel after the final if it doesn’t go my way.”
As this new initiative takes hold on CSU’s campus, The Collegina is pleased to announce a new public comment process in light of the new regulations: Community members can now challenge us to a duel to settle any fact or name error disputes and condemnation requests related to our ethical coverage.
Reach The Collegina for duels at the Ramskellar. If you choose to reach out to us, do so at your own risk. Stay strapped or get clapped.
Reach Astronomically Stressed at news@collegian.com.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY ASTRONOMICALLY STRESSED THE COLLEGINA
NO RIZZ?
How many bitches could a CSU major pull if majors pulled bitches?
Disclaimer: This article uses “bitches” as a gender-neutral and affectionate term. It is the Year of Our Lord 2025, and we are grown. Cope.
By Catholic Abortion & Cosmic Misfortune @csucollegian
Do you think you pull hella bitches? Depending on your major, your results may vary.
In our line of work as totally legitimate researchers here at The Collegina, we’ve made a foolproof way to choose your major based on how much you want to pull. This chart, put together by a collection of the best and brightest at Colorado State University, places the main majors and programs on a handy-dandy chart for your convenience.
On the X-axis, you’ll find the most self-explanatory part: Quantity. Majors that can pull the most end up toward the right side of this chart. Nice work, business bros; you can pull, even though you can’t retain.
Quantity has one more rule added to it that makes this chart make a bit more sense. If your major can only pull from a pool of their own major or similar ones, you lose points. When it comes to our rankings, game is not just game. We do not accept inbreeding within majors in this household.
On the Y-axis, things get a bit tougher. Our “retention” estimates are a bit less stable but still make a good jumping off point for where you should expect to land. Majors that can keep bitches — aka end up in relationships lasting a year or longer — land high up on this chart.
Those of you who are observational types will notice three of the four corners have a major that represents them perfectly, with mechanical engineers in the bottom left, religion studies in the top left and business in the bottom right. But what about the top right?
It is paradoxical to max out on both bitches gained and bitches retained. Assuming you are not a cheater — or polyamorous, in which case, I’m afraid our data simply does not account for you — you stop getting other bitches once you settle down with one.
Now that the process has been explained, let’s dive into where some majors fall on the graph.
Congratulations, environmental studies majors! You score high on retention and quantity — nothing more attractive than
PEER-REVIEWED SCIENTIFIC CHART BY COSMIC MISFORTUNE THE COLLEGINA
an environmentally conscious student, amirite? The climate is getting hotter and so are you.
Someone’s cooking: We’re looking at you, food science majors. What’s more attractive than knowing that someone knows how to cook and do it well? Your passion is fiery, and you know how to perfectly spice up any relationship.
Psychology majors, you’ll notice you’re suspiciously close to business in both your ability to pull and your inability to retain. We suggest using those phenomenal therapizing skills of yours on yourself for a little while before using them on your partner. We believe in you.
Landscape architecture majors, it appears you pull some bitches, but you’re lacking in the retention department. Maybe instead of urban planning, you should be building stability in your relationships.
A public service announcement for chemistry majors: You all need to get it together. You accrue but simply don’t retain. Search for the chemistry in your relationships
and lock in. You should be great at this; it’s your area of study, and we know you can do better.
Physics majors specifically focused in astronomy are quite the anomaly, falling perfectly in the middle of the axis. They neither accrue or retain. Consider them the black hole of our chart: They sit in the center with all the other majors orbiting around them, pulling in unfortunate souls who get a bit too close.
Religious studies minors, you have officially scored incredibly high on retention rate but are bordering the X-axis. Hopefully you have found your soulmate, and if not, we wish you luck. Yikes.
Attention communication studies majors: You kind of pull, but your retention rate is abysmal. Kind of strange when you’re studying, you know, communication. Try communicating your way into a healthy relationship.
Pre-law and pre-med, we see the effort you’re putting into your majors. It’s apparent that you put studies before bitches, which is respectable, but you are unfortunately stuck in “pre-
bitches” and haven’t graduated to “pulling bitches” quite yet.
Art and art history majors, you may feel a bit cheated being so far to the left of the chart.
Recall what we mentioned about inbreeding — dating outside your concentration does not count as dating outside your major. If you branch out a bit, maybe you can find a major with actual job prospects who will fund your shapes and colors.
Mechanical engineering majors have it the worst based on our data, landing in the bottom left corner. Hate to break it to you engineers, but unless you choose biochemical or aerospace, which sound cool, you’re doomed. No bitches for you.
Finally, a quick call from inside the house. Journalism majors, we suggest you put those reporter skills to use and investigate why you can’t pull. Find a reliable source to get some information on how to have good game – your mother doesn’t count.
If you do not feel seen by your major’s place on the chart, fear not, these are just the averages
we have found in our studies. You are surely the one special outlier that we simply did not account for. Regardless of your reactions to reading this detailed and indepth analysis, don’t shoot the messengers. Someone had to break it to you.
Reach Catholic Abortion and Cosmic Misfortune at life @collegian.com.
SCAN FOR MAJORS NOT LISTED
ORPHAN
Student expelled after RA discovers kidnapped pet Grubhub robot in dorm
By Catholic Abortion@csucollegian
A student living on the 13th floor of Westfall Hall has been identified as having a Grubhub delivery robot as a pet.
Jordan Takeout, a first-year studying food delivery, found the robot just outside of his dorm one late night after a party.
“He, yes he, looked so lost,” Takeout said. “He was just kind of spinning around, beeping every now and then, trying to reroute or something. What was I supposed to do, let it stay confused?”
Takeout then snuck the Grubhub robot up to his dorm room. Once they entered the room, something surprising happened.
“The robot stopped moving and beeped really loud for a while, so I just threw water at it,” Takeout said. “You know, like how some people use spray bottles on pets to correct behavior? I just emptied my water bottle on it, it turned off for a moment, then turned back on and stopped beeping. That’s when his cute little hatch opened and it had a burrito inside!”
Takeout described this scene as the moment he fell in love with his new robotic pet, which he affectionately named Ford F-150. He then enthusiastically shared what their favorite activity was to do together.
“I went to the nearest pet store and bought the nicest leash I could find,”
Takeout said. “It fit perfectly around my pet, so we always go out for walks. The only strange thing that happens from time to time is that he tries to go toward a restaurant. That’s when I know he’s hungry.”
In order to feed his pet, Takeout snuck food out from dining halls around campus and stuffed the food into the hatch. After about 15 minutes, Takeout assumed his pet was nourished and cleaned out the hatch.
“I felt bad I ate his burrito, so I always tried to repay him when I could,” Takeout said.
Many first-year students have pets around campus, but his neighbors were perplexed about Ford F-150’s presence.
“Jordan is actually crazy,” said Jill Jimbo, a first-year studying how to effectively gamble. “We tried telling him that having a pet is fine, but this shit is unhealthy. Like, he could have gotten a cat or something, but no. I once told him to let the robot do its job and deliver food, but then he told me I was the crazy one and threw me out of his room.”
According to Jimbo, Takeout’s friends staged an intervention in Jimbo’s room one cold night in March, but he did not react to it well. Takeout screamed and ran out of the room to the comfort of Ford F-150.
“No one will ever be there for me like Fordy will,” Takeout said. “He beeped to me sweet comforts while I sobbed on the floor holding him. He’s the best pet anyone could ever ask for.”
One day while Takeout was in class studying the science behind food delivery, a residential assistant did a quick room check after hearing a quick and loud beep coming from the room.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY CATHOLIC ABORTION THE COLLEGINA
“I was shocked, to say the least,” said Leon Snitch, a Westfall residential assistant. “I opened the door and found the Grubhub robot just spinning in circles. I guess because it was trying to reroute to a restaurant for an order?”
After discovering the Grubhub delivery robot, Snitch wasted no time in alerting the university.
While in class, Takeout immediately received an email from the university notifying him of his expulsion, but that wasn’t Takeout’s main concern.
“I opened the email and my mind immediately went to one thing and one
thing only,” Takeout said. “I ran out of that classroom quickly and got back to Westfall. I stepped into my room, and Fordy wasn’t there. I just fell to my hands and knees; there was nothing I could do.”
Following Takeout’s absence, he has dedicated plenty of time trying to locate Ford F-150 with no luck.
“He’s out there somewhere waiting for me,” Takeout said. “He will forever
be a part of me. I will never forget his cute beep.”
Takeout has started a GoFundMe for financial support in his mission to reconnect with Ford F-150, pay off lawsuit bills and cover court-mandated therapy.
Reach Catholic Abortion at life @collegian.com.
Nick DeSalvo cloning scandal unearthed in chem research building
By Cosmic Misfortune @CSUCollegian
A secret cloning facility underneath Colorado State University’s Chemistry Research Building was discovered by university staff March 31. With it, evidence of an experiment on Associated Students of CSU President Nick DeSalvo has come to light.
Reddit-renowned geneticist John Taylor worked to create and monitor a clone of DeSalvo to allow him to finish off his second term without having to put in the effort himself. This means DeSalvo would not actually be the first two-term president in several decades; his clone is his own independent person who doesn’t need no man and is counted as a different president.
The original DeSalvo, who was found wandering around a Fort Collins Hobby Lobby, was asked to provide a comment.
“I love CSU, but if I’m being honest, the student body drives me crazy,” DeSalvo said. “I wanted to be able to hold the presidential role, but I also wanted to keep my sanity. This was the perfect compromise.”
Besides giving some of his DNA to be replicated, DeSalvo claims to have had very little to do with his clone.
“My main job was only leaving my apartment when the others told me I could without risking being caught,” DeSalvo said. “I had so much more time to spend my senior year doing things that brought me joy. I’ve gone through so many paint-by-number kits.”
DeSalvo (Taylor’s Version) has not been seen since the incident. He is believed to have fled campus and is a fugitive of the state. He could not be reached for comment.
Taylor was arrested for ethical violations and destruction of CSU property. His notes were confiscated, but it seems his technology has been theorized to work before.
After a few tries, Taylor had his breakthrough. DeSalvo’s DNA, alongside sugar, spice and white Monster Energy, merged in a test tube to create the perfect replacement president just in time for DeSalvo’s new term in August.
An unfortunate spill of chemical X in the lab led to a small fire in the Chemistry Research Building. The compound would have given DeSalvo (Taylor’s Version) mind control abilities to make the student body actually like him and care about what ASCSU does. Turns out it was unnecessary, as this clone was more charismatic than the original DeSalvo.
“I’m pretty sure everybody likes the clone better than me,” DeSalvo said. “He’s definitely funnier — everyone agrees on that. Sucks
to hear that he’s run off. I never really got to interact with him at all to see if it was true.”
ASCSU Director of Public Relations Joseph Godshall said he was deeply involved in placing the clone.
“It was a logistical nightmare,” Godshall said. “Last year, critics were always digging around for dirt, so we thought it would be hard to keep quiet. We were lucky second Nick was so much more likable. For the most part, people backed off and didn’t ask too many questions once they realized he was chill.”
A lot went into keeping the secret for so long. Godshall had to work with Chief of Staff Jakye Nunley to keep the original hidden.
“We hid original Nick in the lab for a few weeks to make sure they weren’t seen in the same place,” Godshall said. “That was the hardest part. Do you know how much that man complains on a good day? Imagine how many emails I got with him down there. I was constantly running to craft stores to get him more grandma activities.”
While Godshall was on errand duty to convince DeSalvo to stay in the lab, Nunley oversaw keeping DeSalvo (Taylor’s Version) on track. He did not have all the original’s knowledge or drive to get things right.
“The hardest part was trying to get second Nick up to speed
with the sheer number of emails Nick gets in a day,” Nunley said. “Original Nick was down in a basement complaining to Joseph while I was upstairs trying to make sure his clone wasn’t so obviously behind on everything.”
Nunley believed it was about time the scheme came to an end. With his term almost over, it made sense for the information to come out.
“New Nick was a great idea,” Nunley said. “We all knew the secret wouldn’t last forever, but a lot of great stuff got accomplished with him as the new president.”
Despite their best efforts at secrecy, some members of the organization had their suspicions.
“I actually heard Nick had been cloned over the summer,” Deputy Director of Marketing and Digital Media Lillian Coughlin said. “But I just figured, hey, that’s none of my business.”
Director of Basic Needs Jorja Whyte picked up on the ploy right away. All it took was one interaction with the new DeSalvo, and she had to be filled in by Godshall and Nunley to keep quiet.
“The difference was pretty obvious to me,” Whyte said. “New Nick was distinctly calmer than the original. He actually had a sense of humor sometimes, and I just knew that could not be the same person.”
Not everyone in ASCSU was able to pick up on the clues. Vice
President Braxton Dietz claims to have thought he was working with the original DeSalvo all along.
“He was a bit different from the Nick I agreed to run with, but I thought it was a new campaign strategy,” Dietz said. “All of the sudden, he chilled out and got way more likeable.”
Because DeSalvo graduates this spring, there will unfortunately be no more clones to take his place. CSU has experienced its last semester of DeSalvo presidency, for better or worse.
“Three terms would be just too unbelievable,” DeSalvo said. “Plus, now that all of campus knows about this, I’m not sure it would work, at least not with my name being so recognizable.”
The rights to Taylor’s cloning technology are now being sold by CSU. Research into streamlining the process is being done by several other universities around the country, though nobody can seem to find out what “chemical X” actually is.
In other news, the ASCSU presidential and vice presidential candidate list has gained a new running pair: Dick SeNalvo and Daxton Bietz.
Reach Cosmic Misfortune at science@collegian.com.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY COSMIC MISFORTUNE THE COLLEGINA
BIG ROCK
CAM the Ram diverts 2024 YR4 asteroid, avoiding Fort Collins collision
By Fictitious Komposition @csucollegian
Following an executive order issued last week by President Donald Trump’s administration to turn off gravity, CAM the Ram was launched into space, saving every soul in Fort Collins from certain death after diverting the 2024 YR4 asteroid.
“We were on the initial test launch phases of the project when the executive order was initiated,” said Scott Bleet, Ovis Aries Aerodynamics lead engineer.
The asteroid, originally projected to have a 3.1% possibility of hitting Earth in 2032, was coined a “citykiller” by NASA. Weighed down by 8 megatons of stored energy, it held enough power to wipe out the entire population of Northern Colorado, the direct target of the asteroid’s oncoming path.
“It was determined to possibly collide with either the (Andrew G.) Clark Building, whose construction has been extended to a 2040 deadline, or Canvas Stadium,” university spokesperson Wooly Smith said. “After the $40 million spent on asbestos removal and cleaning out ghosts from the building, an asteroid collision would have been the final straw in tanking the budget.”
Interdisciplinary collaborators from across campus determined CAM’s size to be the correct weight and dimensions needed to correct the asteroid’s direction. The keratin in his horns were also needed to brace himself from the hard rocky surface.
“His wool coat also adds an extra layer of barrier to better keep the heat off him during reentry into the atmosphere,” Bleet said.
Launchpad construction began on the Intramural Fields in late February, with the engineering students completing the rocket in early March. CAM willfully leapt into the rocket’s cockpit, showered with lettuce treats and hugs. Liftoff only took three minutes, shattering the previously held world record.
“The entire mission was a success, only taking 15 minutes total,” Bleet said. “Our team entirely underestimated CAM’s aerodynamic abilities. After diverting the asteroid, he lapped the moon three times in free fall, planted a Colorado State University flag and touched down successfully in Horsetooth Reservoir.”
Students eagerly awaited his arrival home, welcoming him with a parade through Old Town. Local residents and school children waited in a five-daylong line for a photo with the esteemed ram’s body double.
“He looks just like the real thing,” first-year Nicholas Dorper said while dripping in sweat after waiting three days in the sweltering spring heat. “It’s too bad the real one lost his horns when they lodged into the asteroid.”
Because of the asteroid’s successful diversion, CAM was awarded the Purple Heart, presented to him by CSU President Amy Parsons. “CAM’s selfless sacrifice for this institution will never be forgotten,” Parsons said in her ceremonial address. “His dedication will be memorialized in the formal renaming of Clark to the CAM Launched Asteroid Remarkably Killed Building, which is on track for completion in 2050.” Reach Kat Fish at science @collegian.com.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY A KIND MOUSE THE COLLEGINA
Starship Chronicles: Episode V — The Robo-pire strikes back
Nique Clifford (10) dunks a Grubhub delivery robot during March Madness as a statement against the laziness of students March 21.
CAM the ram relieves themself on a Grubhub delivery robot as a statement against robots taking future careers from communication studies students March 21.
A former Grubhub delivery robot converted into an robotic bomb delivery robot rolls across CSU’s campus on the way to the Andrew Gussy Clark Building March 26.
Grubhub delivery robots attack the Andrew Gussy Clark Building in retaliation for bad treatment from students March 27.
In other news, The Book Ranch Adult Emporium has been relocated to the Morgan Library parking lot as part of an agreement made with the university to broaden student experiences March 31.
Elon Musk buys NIL rights of CSU studentathletes, effective immediately
By Sparkling Whimsy @csucollegian
From space to automobiles, Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX and owner of X, formerly known as Twitter, readies to conquer his next enterprise: college sports.
The world of college sports has faced a multitude of controversies this past year, being a prominent topic in the news, whether it was due to Title IX lawsuits or the more recent NCAA v. House settlement, which specifically targets the name, image and likeness rights of student-athletes.
And where the news goes, so does Musk.
Although many were certain Musk would have his hands full, as he’s recently launched himself head first into the political sphere, Musk announced in a news conference that he is buying the NIL rights to every student-athlete at Colorado State University, Tuesday, April 1.
“There is a latent market here,” Musk said. “Why limit branding to space crafts and automobiles when I can have every one of these athletes repping my name? My only issue is now incorporating X into the name; I’m leaning toward CXU Athletics or CSU AthletiX.”
In an attempt to personalize the transaction even further, Musk announced in a post on X that the entire transaction will be financed through the cryptocurrency Dogecoin, or as Musk calls it in the post, “the currency of the future.”
Despite one-third of dogecoin’s value being lost since President Donald Trump’s inauguration on Jan. 20, Musk is confident this transaction will promote the currency within the economy.
“All anyone is talking about is the price of eggs,” Musk said. “We need to be turning our heads to the future instead of getting lost in
the here and now, and that future is dogecoin. Why wouldn’t we be putting our athletes in a situation in which we are setting them up for success? It’s only fitting that we use this cryptocurrency to support the athletes who are our future.”
According to Musk, each sport will represent a different entity of his business expenditures.
Football will represent Tesla; men’s basketball to SpaceX; women’s basketball to X; volleyball to The Boring Company; softball to Neuralink; tennis to xAI; track and field to the now-defunct Zip2; and, finally, soccer to the Musk Foundation.
When asked why CSU was the school to target, Musk only had one response.
“I don’t need a reason; do you know who I am?”
Musk said.
A representative for Musk later divulged that there was something unspoken about CSU that stood out to him. As CSU is set to join the Pac-12, Musk believes the Rams’ name is about to rapidly catch on within the industry and wants to beat any other businessman to the opportunity.
CSU was the obvious choice when looking for an established school that is set to rise in popularity and has the potential for a Cinderella story.
“While this was certainly an unprecedented move, we’re excited as a university and athletic department to elevate the athletic experience,” Director of Athletics John Weber said.
“This move is a testament to our strong athletics and potential.”
Because Musk is
not contribute to the 22% revenue cap as explained in the NCAA vs. House settlement, and for that reason, any player who makes it into the top 10 rankings for any NCAA category will be gifted a Tesla.
Musk needs a guarantee that the student-athletes will constantly strive to perform their best at all times, as they are now an extension of his brand, and a new car is the best way to incentivize peak performance.
“I only produce the best, and CSU has the potential to be that for me,” Musk said.
Although no athletes have spoken on the matter, CSU President Amy Parsons shared her thoughts in a statement.
“We are at a time when our nation is shifting priorities, but one thing is constant in uniting us: sports,” Parsons said. “As a CSU alumna and longtime employee, I am proud to see the athletic department shifting and empowering our studentathletes. There is a bright future ahead.”
Several of CSU’s top student-athletes are expected to make an
CSU and Musk gear. By the time the 2025-26 season starts, fans can expect to see not only new apparel but a new version of CSU Athletics.
“I cannot wait to be a part of the Ramily and further introduce CSU to the future,” Musk said. “This is the business deal of the century, and this is just the beginning.”
Reach Sparkling Whimsy at sports@collegian.com.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY COSMIC MISFORTUNE THE COLLEGINA
KICKERS NO LONGER THAN 3 WORDS, NO REPEATED WORDS FROM HEADLINE
CSU Athletics set to officially rebrand CAM the Ram mascot in 2027
By Alexander Mason @csucollegian
Colorado State University plans to rebrand its school mascot to the Blue Razorbacks, officially taking effect fall 2027. The change marks an end to the 71-year-long CAM the Ram mascot era. This all comes about after a rise in fan and student engagement during state pride games.
Director of Athletics John Weber said he believes that sports are a huge piece of the culture at CSU.
“You know, we loved the Rams,” Weber said. “However, the blue state pride games spoke volumes to us. The fans clearly are showing us what they want, so we’re deciding to respond by way of the Blue Razorbacks.”
According to CSU Athletics, sporting event attendance jumped by 68% for state pride games when compared to regular games. CSU Athletics also shared that CSU’s media platforms garnered more followers and overall media engagement during these special games by 20%.
CSU President Amy Parsons was on the board of approval for the decision.
“This decision was definitely a tough one and a huge one,” Parsons said “Although, it’s one for the people of Fort Collins.”
CSU Athletics and board members conducted polls within the Fort Collins and CSU communities regarding how
they feel about the school’s current branding. A majority of respondents said the Ram mascot was either outdated or a new mascot as a whole was needed.
“Once we received these results, we got in discussions and knew we needed to make the switch — but one that resembles the fan favorite state pride games,” Weber said. “I think representing our state is one of the greatest transitions we can make when it comes to replacing CAM the Ram.”
CSU’s coaches were also a part of the approval, with the majority of them voting for the mascot change.
“Our fans show out for these games, and the entire city of Fort Collins loves it,” football coach Jay Norvell said. “Why wouldn’t we want to change our mascot to better reflect the enthusiasm surrounding state pride tradition games?”
This all comes about as CSU plans to realign athletic conferences and enter the Pac-12 in 2026.
“The mascot change was a separate decision (from conference realignment); however, the timing works great and ultimately further motivated the change,” Weber said.
The university plans on combining efforts from its marketing program’s top faculty along with freelance graphic and web designers to cement the school’s new mascot branding. The process started Tuesday when the announcement was made and is on a three-year schedule
for 2027.
The school’s new color palette will include the same blue from the state pride theme, a new dark grey, a light grey and white.
“We’re extremely excited to be able to take on this new huge mission,” said Alexa James, a journalism and media communication department faculty member hired for the rebrand project. “We want something new and refreshing, and we’ll (be) doing so by incorporating the Colorado state color, blue. I strongly believe in symbolism, whether it is in the biggest or smallest manner.”
The school will also redesign all sports uniforms. Expect something similar to the current state pride game uniforms, except with the Razorback mascot incorporated onto them.
All athletic facilities, stadiums and arenas will undergo rebrands as well. Additionally, the rebranding as a whole will span a “couple of years,” making an easing transition possible for the CSU community, according to Athletics.
“We will replace the logo at midfield in Canvas Stadium along with the endzone colors,” a CSU Athletics representative said. “In Moby, we will replace the Ram loudness meter with a Razorback loudness meter and, obviously, replace the floor. We will rebrand all other facilities with the Blue Razorbacks theme from the weight rooms to the player lounges.”
As for CSU’s campus as a whole,
community members will begin to see changes in theme and branding in the coming months.
“This won’t be one of those, ‘you come back from summer one day and it’s a completely new school,’ operations,” Parsons said. “The process will commence now. This was planned out in order to slowly introduce the theme to our CSU community by way of a three-year process.”
The Lory Student Center and Morgan Library windows will be replaced, and any green-colored accents in buildings will be replaced with the state pride blue. The school will shift the way it promotes itself online and portray its new Blue Razorbacks theme across websites and social media pages.
“Of course, we’re not just going to forget the Rams,” Parsons said. “Just like we pay homage to our previous mascot, the Aggies, we will do so with the Rams as well.”
CSU plans to have a Ram Day in August wherein campuswide festivities will take place. Additionally, all athletic teams will play at least one Ram-themed game throughout their season, wearing the previous Ram uniforms.
“We are eager and excited,” Weber said. “This will basically line up as a fresh start, a clean sheet — almost perfectly aligned with conference realignment to the Pac-12.”
Reach Alexander Mason at sports @collegian.com.
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CSU prepares to say goodbye to Amy Parsons, hello to Slim Blondee
By Rizzle Cigcrust @CSUCollegian
As students begin to come back after enjoying their spring break, Amy Parsons is beginning to head on out. The 16th President of Colorado State University announced that she will be taking three months off from her duties to pursue her lifelong dream of a rap and DJ career, taking on the new name Slim Blondee.
Leaked to Reddit on March 31, Parsons’ double life reveals that she has been posting over the span of 20 years on the musical streaming site SoundCloud under the name of Slim Blondee. Parsons has demonstrated a wide range of musical talent, from partaking in popular diss tracks to performing operatic covers of top 20 hits.
Parsons has even showcased her skill with instruments classically used in marching bands, such as tenor drum, cymbals and french horn. While these talents haven’t gone unseen, it is her DJ and rap career that has started to make a name for Slim Blondee.
“She was too good to go unnoticed, and she’s such a baddie while doing it,” Reddit leaker and fan Bavid Dowie said. “I just felt that it was way past
time for the world to know about Slim Blondee.”
While to the outside eye this may seem like a side hobby that
symphony, percussion, opera singing and techno beat creation has nurtured Slim to be all that she is today,” Parsons said.
as an exclusive. First, she will be kicking off the tour in Fort Collins’ very own Aggie Theatre.
“I’m so psyched to get my
should have been left in the past, Parsons’ experience in DJing and rapping has left Slim Blondee with a large following in the United Kingdom. This large following as well as the leaking of her SoundCloud account has given Parsons the push she needed to pursue a professional musical career.
“My background in orchestra, choir, jazz band, garage band,
WEEKLY HOROSCOPE
By Starry Moon
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (04/01/25)
ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19)
I want you to try something you’ve never done this week. Like, for instance, saying “You were right and I was wrong,” or maybe just finishing one of the projects you started and abandoned? Up to you, Aries.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20)
It’s the same old routine for you this week — and every week, really. You like things how you like them, and you’re not much of a go-getter. Predictable, hedonistic, stubborn, forgettable and never beating those boring allegations. Expect the same till you do different, Taurus.
GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20)
Used as the butt of every “two-faced” joke and tagged as overly chatty, the hate you get is undeserved. What you need to be ridiculed for is your complete inability to make a decision. You could tone down the lying a bit, too, but I won’t overwhelm you with options, Gemini.
CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22)
“Slim is ready to take the stage and give the Brits what they want. Touring has always been a pipe dream, but thanks to a Reddit user and the TikTok rap community, my dreams are becoming a reality. It’s all so fetch.”
While all details of the tour have yet to be released, Parsons has revealed two big announcements to The Collegina
co-workers, students and employees together at the Aggie and introduce them to Slim,” Parsons said. “It’s going to be a super rad night.” Parsons also announced that while the tour will be starting in Fort Collins, it will primarily take place in the United Kingdom, as that is where the majority of Parsons’ SoundCloud listeners were, prior to the news of
You’re too sensitive to hear what I want to say, so let me say this: Your emotions control you, and you will end up incarcerated unless you change your ways. That victim complex won’t hold up in court, Cancer.
LEO (JULY 23 - AUG. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader, and we perceive you as that customer who thinks the wait staff loves them but only tips 30 cents. Your arrogance is disgusting, but your vanity will not let you distinguish honest criticism from a personal attack. Same
time next week, Leo?
VIRGO (AUG. 23 - SEPT. 22)
Imagine checking your horoscope for advice after acting like you know everything. Wilddddd. Anyway, good luck, Virgo!
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 - OCT. 22)
While you’re hiding behind that mask of diplomacy, remember that your pursuit of a drama-free life isn’t an excuse to be spineless. A friend to all is a friend to none. Try forming an opinion this week, Libra.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 - NOV. 21)
It pains me to admit, but you’re the thing in your way. You think
her side hustle leaking to CSU students.
“Amy is the best, so I’m so excited to see her slay and thrive out there on stage,” CSU student and Slim Blondee superfan Norton Sparkles said. “She is a queen, and I want to be her when I grow up.”
It has also been revealed that alongside Parsons during her tour will be world renowned rappers Azealia Banks and ScHoolboy Q. Parsons’ team hopes even more attention to the tour and to her as an individual will accompany this collaboration, but many are confused as to how Parson has been living these two secret lives for so long.
“I mean, I can’t imagine being president of CSU, and she’s always been chill, but a double life? Amy is my new favorite DJ,” CSU student and Slim Blondee fan Icy Trin said.
As Parsons’ dreams begin to come true, CSU students have begun to worry that this change is permanent.
“The hype right now makes me shook,” Parson said. “As far as me never coming back to CSU, I mean, it’s kind of a ‘chat type one’ situation. I just got to give the people what they want.”
Reach Rizzle Cigcrust at entertainment@collegian.com.
most people are slow, which makes you impatient, vengeful and unwilling to take other people’s advice. In other words, you’re a prick. Go make some friends this week, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 - DEC. 21)
I’m not going to hold your hand when I say this: One day, you’re going to flake and not have any friends to come back to. Let’s spend some time getting clear on the difference between freedom and loneliness this week, Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 - JAN. 19)
If you feel like a frigid bitch this week, it’s because you are. That stone mask you never let slip makes you seem cold and unrelatable, then you go and wonder why you can’t get close to people? Loosen up for the sake of those around you, Capricorn.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 - FEB. 18)
PISCES (FEB. 19 - MARCH 20)
Be honest: Why even read the horoscope if you’re just going to stay home, manipulate situations and be in your feelings like every other week? You don’t need the planets to tell you that you need a break from your vices. You know what they are, Pisces.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY INVOLUNTARY TOOTS THE COLLEGINA
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5 incontrovertible reasons you should immediately abandon your family, career and personal autonomy to join a cult today!
By Hanky Panky @CSUCollegian
Look, let’s be real — life is hard. Student loans? Skyhigh. Job market? Bleak. The constant existential dread of figuring out what you’re doing with your life? Everpresent. We are certainly not live, laugh, loving in these conditions. That’s why I’m here to tell you that it’s time to stop resisting the inevitable: You should absolutely, unequivocally and enthusiastically join a cult. And no, I’m not talking about a fun little book club or that yoga studio that keeps asking you to donate your life savings to their spiritual leader. I mean the real deal — matching robes, chanting at sunrise and absolute devotion to an enigmatic leader with a suspiciously vague backstory. I know, I know — I sound like I’ve absolutely lost it, but I swear I am completely and totally 110% sane. Joining a cult is perfectly reasonable — just hear me out.
1. Decision making? Never again!
Tired of agonizing over what to wear?
What to eat? Whether to switch
majors for the fifth time? In a cult, all decisions are made for you! Say goodbye to the pesky burden of free will and hello to a streamlined, worry-free existence where all choices are conveniently dictated by someone else. Who needs critical thinking when you can just be told exactly what to do at all times? Blissful ignorance is in, people.
2. Instant best friends whether you want them or not
Making friends in college is hard. You have to put
pretend to be interested in other people’s favorite TV shows. But in a cult? Boom — automatic besties for life. These people will be with you 24/7, whether you like it or not. Think of it like a never-ending group project, except you can’t leave, and everyone is uncomfortably enthusiastic about obedience.
3. A lifetime of uniform chic
Tired of keeping up with fast fashion? Join a cult, and you’ll never have to think about
outfits again. Most cults provide a signature robe or tunic, ensuring that you and your fellow devotees achieve ultimate minimalist fashion. It’s like athleisure but for spiritual enlightenment or something like that. Plus, matching outfits really help solidify that whole surrendering individuality thing.
4. Zero career anxiety (because you won’t have one)
Let’s be honest: Job hunting is exhausting. Cover letters, networking events, LinkedIn updates — who
you no longer have to worry about career prospects because your new full-time occupation will be dedicated follower. The only upward mobility you’ll need to worry about is whether you get promoted to chief chanting coordinator or assistant to the grand enlightened one.
5. Apocalypse? You’re already prepared!
While the rest of the world scrambles for survival strategies during the next global catastrophe, you’ll be safely nestled in your compound, prepped for the end times with your fellow believers. Whether it’s doomsday prepping or an intergalactic spaceship coming to take you away, at least you won’t be caught off guard. Plus, canned food and communal living? That’s just smart planning. So what are you waiting for? Throw on a robe, drink the KoolAid and get ready for a life free from responsibility, independence and personal agency. After all, thinking for yourself is exhausting — let someone else do it for you. Reach Hanky Panky at letters @collegian.com.
5 baby names that may really lean into your executive order preferences
By Detectivo Liberal @caffeinateddee6
The challenge of figuring out what to name your child in our current political environment is a tough feat. But no matter the challenge, there is always going to be an opportunity for you to name your child after the over 90 executive orders that President Donald Trump has signed so far this year. Here are some of the top picks that should really tickle your fancy.
1. WokeSlayer
The name WokeSlayer is for those of you who have absolutely been on board with every single decision that Trump has made when it comes to ending and challenging the radicalism that keeps this country moving forward. I suggest naming your child after the executive order that challenges and ends DEI.
This name is for those who feel as though they have been wronged by DEI, or rather, find it to be a wasteful idea, like the alternate names suggest. It is also for those who would pick a name that is within their top 50 choices, making it clear that their child was just barely able to make the mark of the top 50 of name options.
It also gives you the opportunity to fondly remember the moment all of your favorite companies rolled back their
DEI initiatives, so you no longer need to see a pride display every month when you walk into Target. Pride is every month, right?
Alternate names: DEInial, No. 51, EO 14151, Blanco
2. Epidemmy
Ah yes, the executive order that pulled the United States out of the World Health Organization: EO 14155. Epidemmy is specifically a name for those who have found that there are no benefits to being a part of the WHO, even though it has helped with ensuring universal health care and leading research that promotes longer human lifespans. But still, if the belief is that they do nothing, this is definitely for you.
This also gives you the chance to remember when you were able to go to the hospital without having to pay what feels like a billion dollars and Medicaid existed. It also helps you to remember, fondly, the days of COVID-19 and how it completely changed everyone’s world, except yours. And your child can be a perfect example of how practicing the withdraw method isn’t always effective.
Alternate names: Pathogen, Flatline, EO 14155, No. 55
3. Banjamin
OK, so this one may be a blessing in disguise for most Americans.
However, looking into the eyes of your new baby Banjamin might help you to remember when TikTok disappeared for 24 hours before miraculously being revived, allowing the world to go back to its degenerative society.
This is a good one because it cements a memory that looks back on the application that has resulted in our decreased social lives. It provides you with the opportunity to remember when you almost lost the beloved app that you couldn’t live without. It always gives anyone the opportunity to remember the one good thing Trump did during his presidency.
Alternate names: Echochamber, EO 14166, Firewalled
4. Meritica
If you didn’t like the name that was based on DEI’s removal, then may I suggest looking at the executive order that was passed to end discrimination and allow people to be hired and considered on merit? Meritica is the name for those who want their children’s future employers to be aware that they got there on their own merit — because that was never considered before.
This means that you are really against decisions being made around race and thought that you were passed up for a job because you weren’t a person of color or a woman. It gives you the
chance to remember that, yes, you did get passed by but shall never again.
Alternative names: Justice, EO 14173, Neutralia
5. Fairleigh
Are you really that fearful over protecting cis women’s rights that you would get rid of the rights for a group of people who make up less than 1% of the population? Then Fairleigh is the name for you. Your goal with this name might be to pick something that will get the attention of others, and maybe you will give it to your
male child. This is likely because you want to play the role of a feminist despite knowing the truth behind the name.
Alternate names: TERFy, EO 14201, Cisely With over 90 executive orders to pick from, these top five should surely fit your baby name goals if they align with your political beliefs. Or hey, you could even rename yourself.
Reach Detectivo Liberal at letters @collegian.com.
still water, bananas and
Clocking Clairo shade and doing something about it
Sucking the metals out of a Geek Bar
man who knows when to shut his mouth
