Thursday, April 1, 2021
Vol. 130, No. 40
COLLEGIAN.COM
Why we’re ditching The Collegian for a new name
CSU to host Drool 4 Skool competition for scholarship money
By The Unprecedented Times Editors @CSUCollegian
By Laura “The Stud” Studley @laurastudley_
ground. Before we could ask what he meant, the geese took flight, and suddenly we had a trail. We followed the geese as they flew south along the I-25 corridor. The birds stopped at several mattress stores, foraging for cocaine in discarded mattresses until they were shooed off. After a Longmont detour, the flock of drug fiends followed a delivery truck marked with Mattress “R” Us insignia. We followed our coked-out eyes in the sky to the outskirts of Denver. The mattress truck pulled into a large parking lot occupied by more trucks like it, conspicuous black vans and police cars. We confirmed the presence of Officer Sus McShady, the last known person to see Unprecedented Times editor Baul Prull before he went missing.
Dear Readers, As the editors of a publication surviving during the COVID-19 Panda Express, we, like just about everyone else on this cold (but increasingly warmer), lonely (but increasingly overpopulated) rock, have found that in addition to phrases like “can’t even,” “fake” and “no cap,” the majority of our vocabulary has been dominated by the word “unprecedented.” Behold, Colorado State University community, the independent voice for your unhinged lives, The Unprecedented Times!” After endless discussions surrounding what COVID-19 is, where it is, who has it, who doesn’t have it, how not to get it and how to get vaccinated against it, we’ve only been able to come to one consistent, agreed upon conclusion: We just don’t know what’s going on anymore. Therefore, we’ve decided to do what all people in positions of power do when they don’t know what the f*ck is going on: focus on the minutiae that doesn’t actually matter while doing things the exact same way they always have. In addition, our word counts were getting a bit lengthy, with each article containing approximately 53.28 uses of the word ‘unprecedented.’ An easy way to amend this problem was just to put the word in our title. Our copy desk is a bit upset, but our advertisers are thrilled. Behold, Colorado State University community, the independent voice for your unhinged lives, The Unprecedented Times!
see DRUG RING on page 3 >>
see NEW NAME on page 7 >>
Your drool can now pay for your college tuition. On March 31, Colorado State University President Joyce McConnell announced that students will be able to win $10,000 in scholarships if they participate in the new drooling competition, aptly named Drool 4 Skool. see DROOL on page 4 >>
A mattress store in Fort Collins sits under the blue sky. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SMELLIE SHAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
The Fort Collins mattress store drug ring finally exposed By Cody “Sugar” Cookie
Addazio recruits McConnell prior to fall season By Skeez Knees @scott_nies98
Steve Addazio has had a rough start to his tenure as the Colorado State football team’s head coach. Whether it was the scathing claims made by The Coloradoan, the subsequent departmentwide investigation or the fact that season one of the Addazio-era garnered just one win for the program, it hasn’t been the smoothest of sailing so far for the new head coach. see ADDAZIO on page 15 >>
@codycooke17
For the past several weeks, The Unprecedented Times investigated dramatic drug busts and cover-ups connected to Northern Colorado’s endless proliferation of mattress stores. Now, thanks to the contribution of some unlikely allies, we’ve cracked the cocaine case wide open. Earlier this week, Unprecedented Times reporters met outside at awkwardly appropriate social distances. Per Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines, we maintained enough distance to fit two Dr. Anthony Faucis between us. When we discussed what evidence we had on the case, a gaggle of geese chortled past. Rather than stalk forward
and stare us down with those cold dark eyes like normal, the geese jerked their heads side to side and burst forward in a squawking flash of feathers. Assuming the geese were just having a rough day, we tried to get back to our work. But one reporter, Rue “Blue” Maroon, convinced us that something was up. “I’m a regular goose bully target,” she said. “These birds aren’t itching for a fight. They’re itching for something else.” Another reporter, Skeeter Yeet, alerted us to the birds’ white-ish poop. Yeet was certain the geese had recently ingested powdered cocaine — and lots of it. When we asked why he was so sure, Yeet said he, like Maroon, is frequently harassed by geese. “Gotta fight back somehow,” Yeet said with his eyes on the